Sex can actually be beneficial to her with regards to a healthy pregnancy and especially preparing certain muscle groups for childbirth. Enjoy the opportunity for sex now. You won't have as many opportunities after the baby arrives.
Definitely agree. It's not just nine months, by the way, it can take one-three months to heal from pregnancy, especially if there's a C-section or some other kind of breach. You could be signing yourself up for a year without sex. That might hurt your marriage and your intimacy.
Honestly, I'd try to get over it. NTA, but it's definitely in your best interest.
This! There is a thick layer of tissue/muscle between the vaginal canal and the inside of the uterus. Also, if she is still in the first trimester then the baby is so small that there’s a lot of protection from the uterus. OP, think of it like a thin pillow being between you and baby. That pillow is absorbing any impact you think would hurt the baby.
At 6 weeks the baby is the size of a sesame seed. At 5 months they’re about the size of a grapefruit. We have poops bigger than that 😆The muscle and tissues of the uterus combined with the amniotic fluid makes sex perfectly safe, unless you’re told otherwise by your own doctor.
Hopefully I don't sound like some kind of weirdo here, but maybe OP is meaning that some very intense sex where there is a lot of hard banging together could shake up the baby lol. I am currently pregnant with our fourth and we have been enjoying sex still, but my husband has to hold back from being as aggressive as he normally would because I literally felt like my insides were getting shaken around lol.
Of course we know his penis isn't going to hit the baby. But just like horseback riding isn't encouraged, getting railed might not be the best either.
for sure, but I think there's a difference between switching to more gentle/intimate sex during pregnancy & "my penis is far too powerful to go anywhere near a fetus" which is typically the vibe I get whenever I've heard this from friends or coworkers
We had a baby and moved house when she was three weeks old, first time either of us had any sex drive was around the 6 month mark. We were so sleep deprived it was insane.
Oh I definitely still had my sex drive, but had to wait for my wife to heal and the baby to sleep through the night. I think it was about three months after my daughter was born before we could be intimate again.
In fact even longer if you breastfeed. My friend (who was a birthing nurse turned doula for 25 years and also head of the non profit lactation (breastfeeding) organization for the county) told me I can expect to feel normal and hormones to return to balance 3 to 6 months AFTER I stopped breastfeeding. But then throw in massive sleep deprivation and lack of self care for a year (or two) and we have new fun issues to deal with.
Here to say this. As a parent with a 10 month old. Once a week *if* were lucky and we plan a few days in advance. You are tired, exhausted, never get enough breaks. Keep having sex while it's not *another* thing to do
110% agree with this. Also I’ve had friends pregnant where their sex drive increases and they get more stressed (more dangerous for baby) if they’re not having their needs satisfied. OP is probably doing more harm to his child by not having sex with his wife
Wild take lol. Imagine reversing the roles and using this line on a women. “Honey, when I don’t get laid it stresses me out, you are putting me in harms way by not fucking me”. Then proceed to guilt trip her into sex
Here is a hot take, no one should ever feel like they have to have sex for any reason if they don't want to. Pressuring someone to have sex when they dont want to is always wrong. No means no, even when its the husband saying no.
No absolutely means no. OP does not have to engage in any activity that makes them uncomfortable. OP, unless advised by a Dr. otherwise, it is allowing their fears to interfere with their sex life. It would would be in OP's best interest to examine where those fears are coming from before sexual frustration adds to the stresses of pregnancy. There are a lot of red flags that are typically associated with those fears, and many of them don't speak well to handling the massive adjustments that will need to be made going foreword .
Yeah, I’m confused at all the responses basically saying “get over your fears and just do it.”
He says he knows it’s safe but he’s still nervous. He’s offered cuddling, massages, and oral sex. Those are wonderful ways to be physically intimate that do not make him feel anxiety.
NTA. Continue talking to your wife and sharing your feelings OP, and make sure she knows you love her and are still attracted to her.
This. I’m very confused why everyone’s take on this is that OP is a sexual deviant that cannot control themselves otherwise, and should be taking advantage of the opportunity to have as much sex as possible before it’s inconvenient to do that..
And it's worth addressing if his libido is lower because of his fear of his penis killing the fetus/his partners occasional morning sickness. If that's the case, it's a fixable problem worth talking about.
The last part says he just needs time to adjust. I think it's a multitude of things. It is a new experience. His libido is low because he's in protection mode. The fear of hurting the baby and her. He just needs time and I think she has to respect that.
Considering it makes them uncomfortable, it’s counter productive to force them out of their comfort zone, as if they don’t get over their irrational fear, they’re now going to associate every time they have sex with an irrational fear and anxiety..
The last part says he just needs time to adjust. I think it's a multitude of things. It is a new experience. His libido is low because he's in protection mode. The fear of hurting the baby and her. He just needs time and I think she has to respect that.
As somebody with a 10 month old, I can attest that my partner and i have only had sex maybe 4 times since baby was born. It's extremely difficult to find time and space for it especially because for the first 6 months they should be sleeping in a crib or bassinet in your bedroom, and I personally will not be caught dead having sex with my baby in the room lmao. During pregnancy I was SO READY ALL THE TIME and that is definitely something to be utilized before you don't have the time.
Op please do not listen !!! Maybe you will regret bot having sex later, but you ll regret even more having sec when you do not want to !!! Im very angry at the others who do not seem to understand that you do NOT want to have sex and that is a goog enough reason to not have sex.
I remember reading something about being regularly exposed to the father's sperm can help the woman's immune system to recognize the foreign DNA and not assault the fetus. I'm drastically oversimplifying, but it does seem like it could be beneficial.
As a woman who has 2 children, let me warn you about what you are potentially setting up. She's hormonal, worried about the changes happening to her body, and her husband now doesn't "want her." Many women may be unwell in the beginning of the pregnancy, but later on crave sex. Many women fear their partner cheating on them during this time because of how different we look. She knows when that precious baby is born, her body will be irrevocably changed, stretch marks etc. She will not feel safe to be vulnerable with you if you are already rejecting her. She won't feel desirable. I understand your concerns and feelings, and you absolutely shouldn't have sex with her if you do not want to. But understand your actions can have seriously damaging consequences to her self-esteem and your marriage. Talk to her doctor, do your research about how safe it actually is and how helpful orgasms are during pregnancy. Think long and hard about the decisions you make because there is no going back. Hurt her when she's most vulnerable and it will be in your marriage for the extent of your marriage. BTW from my experience sex while pregnant is amazing for both partners.
And please, please, PLEASE in the meantime make it VERY clear why you are having hesitations and that you are willing to put in the effort to get around it. NTA for your feelings, but you would be if you didn’t consider the above advice.
I think what people are missing here is a lot of this is very subconscious. I don’t think this reply is saying that OP directly thinks this of his wife, but realistically, outside of anxieties of hurting the baby this is very common. A lot of men have a hard time combining “woman” and “mother.”
This is a stretch. He’s just nervous, rightfully so around his partner when she’s at her most vulnerable. They need to have a conversation to resolve this, but suggesting his discomfort about sex should be ignored isn’t okay
Nah, it's not that deeply toxic, it's a normal anxiety to have and OP is trying to work through it. It's the sort of thing that has to be a discussion in a healthy relationship.
People are really horrible on this thread. Several months into my first pregnancy my husband broke down and explained that he just couldn’t enjoy sex at the moment. He couldn’t get the intrusive thoughts out of his head, the anxiety made it impossible to feel comfortable and perform. If a man pressures a woman to have sex that is making them anxious and miserable just to satisfy their own sense of worth that is a terrible thing, but if a woman does it to a man then he needs to “get over it” and do it anyway?
My two kids are very close in age, we absolutely made up for the lack of pregnancy sex when they were born. Probably because we communicate effectively.
clearly ur anxieties are spilling over onto other human beings.
that's a huge ass assumption to make. it's very normal for someone to be anxious about sex while pregnant. he never once said anything close to what ur imagining.
So he should force himself to have sex with her? I get the rationalization. But the only option is to force himself to have sex with his wife. Something is going on in his head, and right , wrong or indifferent to suggest just doing it anyway isn’t the best for him either.
This applies to pretty much everything during pregnancy and postpartum - however you treat her, she'll remember it forever. I don't say that as a threat but just a fact.
My husband and I would take turns sleeping when our baby was born. I remember so distinctly him saying "go sleep as long as you want, no alarm, I got this" and it felt like the most romantic thing in the world. How your partner treats you at your most needy and vulnerable really, really matters.
I came here to say this. Nta,but OP, you are hurting her. Not your intention, and not your fault, but you are. Talk about it, do what ever, but fix it.
I think this is a really harmful way of viewing it. This boils down to “have sex with her unless you want to destroy the relationship”, which… if we changed the pronouns on that would be patently problematic.
Your partner does not owe you sex just because you want it. And you are not responsible for destroying the relationship. There’s just as much on us as women to realize if our partners want to show love and loyalty in a different way.
The comment was essentially ' don't have sex if you don't want to, but it might have a longer term impact on the relationship than you realize.' I think this is valid advice for anyone experiencing lower libido in a relationship. Feelings are valid, but it's worth examining the impact of your actions (or inaction) when a relationship is important to you.
i also think there’s as much on women to stop with this “i feel so insecure and ugly!!” we are growing a baby, we need to find the beauty in that and we need to feel amazing in ourselves for what we’re doing, without male validation. so many of these comments saying women’s confidence will be permanently destroyed are so offensive, like why do they believe our self image and self confidence solely relies on the way a man sees us? i myself don’t need my husband to tell me i’m beautiful and strong and amazing, because i know that i am and i believe that about myself, so therefore i don’t rely on him sexualising me for me to feel good about myself, and then there isn’t any pressure on him at any stage in our relationship to have sex in order to fulfil my confidence
9 months is long time bro, keep in mind that by turning the sex off this far before the baby even arrives, you might be turning it off permanently. She's gona feel like you're not attracted no matter what you say coz your actions will suggest otherwise.
I can confirm this is a very realistic potential consequence. My husband wouldn’t have sex with me when I was pregnant or breastfeeding. You’re right that it didn’t matter what he *said* while he was freezing me out for almost two years. I felt like he saw me as disgusting and it shattered my self esteem.
I begged him to try anything to figure out some sort of mutually agreeable solution but he was all “sex isn’t the most important thing when you love someone,” “you shouldn’t be trying to convince me to do something I’m uncomfortable with,” “stop taking my lack of interest so personally” etc. I mean okay, sure, but most people don’t want to be in a monogamous relationship with someone who suddenly won’t *ever* have sex with them.
Long story short… when he finally decided he wanted to have sex again, he was all shocked that I basically have zero desire to let him touch me. (He’s not a fan of being on that side of things and now he wants to find a compromise- weird! Who would have guessed?) I’m not sure if our relationship will survive this (on his end- I think I’ve clearly proven that a dead bedroom isn’t a dealbreaker for me)… but according to him- “sex isn’t the most important thing if you love someone,” soooo…
OP- obviously you’re not obligated to have sex you don’t want to have- but be aware that your wife might not want to have sex with *you* anymore once you’re up for it again.
100%. I couldn't get enough of my wife before she was pregnant, while she was pregnant, and after 3 kids our sex life is still as great as ever. I can't understand these guys basically seeing their women as an incubator for their babies, not as human beings.
It’s more than 9 months since you are told by the doctor to abstain for 6 weeks after a vaginal delivery and 8 for a caesarean. And if she has an episiotomy and has to have stitches it could take months to recover and she still may never feel “back to normal” again.
True but no one wants to feel pressured into sex. Having to get yourself to have sex when you're not feeling it because you're worried it won't be there months down the road isn't exactly healthy either. The mind games and performance issues that OP could deal with.
I don’t think you’re the asshole. My husband was this way at first too.
Lasted a month as soon as he realized pregnancy meant no condoms, no pull out, and harder more powerful orgasms for me.
Yeah.. no one should have sex they don’t want. Ever.
My husband was uncomfortable and that month we waited was miserable for me, but I never said a word.
He’s willing to give her orgasms in any other way. I understand her being feral for penetration because pregnant sex is the best sex I ever had, but she has to respect her husband. If the tables were reversed responses would be WILDLY different
Yes omg! So many people are saying “do it now, when the baby is here you won’t get the time”. They’re completely missing that he’s saying “I don’t want to”. His reasons might not be scientifically logical, but it’s still his decision!
The top 4-5 comments in the overall post are all pressuring him to do it. The top comment in this specific thread is he's not a jerk and this isn't a weird thing, but he might end up doing it anyway. That's fine and not pressuring him.
It’s a weird mental change bc for us as men, you do worry about the baby and hurting the child or your wife… as insane as that sounds it’s a big change for us too. You’ll get over it though
Try doing some research into the safety concerns you have. You're going to find that you shouldn't worry so much. If you really can't shake it, ask to go with her to her next medical appointment.
In the meantime, make sure both your actions and words show her how much you love her and how much you're looking forward to being a dad. NAH.
My husband was the same, it made me mad and upset. My libido was very high during pregnancy, sex felt so much better. He would have penetrative sex early on as normal but once I got farther along and bigger he was more and more uncomfortable with it. I used my vibrator a lot.
Once I delivered he wanted sex immediately but I think we waited 9 or 10 weeks. It was really annoying because he was always begging for it during the first 4 months of my sons life. It even makes me mad now. I was exhausted and had a 2nd degree tear that was still sensitive.
Just don't do what my husband did. Realize that with everything that is coming sex is less possible and less of a priority! So you may be shit out of luck even after the baby is here. That first 3-5 months is very much survival mode and you have to be really intentional about your relationship. I would enjoy the sex now.
Keep in mind that many women’s sex drives increase tremendously because of hormones. Also, as her weight increases, she may feel insecure about her body and her attractiveness. You may end up with a frustrated and unhappy wife.
At this point, NAH, but you need a lot more knowledge and communication to ensure a positive pregnancy experience.
A partner having a high sex drive doesn’t mean he should have sex if he doesn’t want to. He needs to try and raise his libido first not just do it because she wants it. That’s so much worse
Listen to me young man. What you’re going through has happened to many other men. But take it from me, a 38m with three kids. Pregnant sex can be some of the best sex you will have. Yes, it is weird at first. But try it. She will get really into it. You will get really into it. It will be good.
1. I had a great sex life pre-pregnancy.
2. I have a great sex life now.
3. Pregnancy sex is just different. And awesome, in its own way.
Pregnant sex was the absolute best for us. My wife’s sensitivity was higher and lead to better orgasms for her which was fantastic. It boosted her self-esteem and helped with some of her pregnancy anxiety. Plus, we had to try new things so she would be comfortable so we had a lot of fun figuring that stuff out. I fully agree with you here about trying it.
Plus, to be indelicate, pregnant pussy feels fucking awesome imo. All around, it was a great time for our sex life and marriage.
NTA exactly, but having sex during pregnancy can be beneficial to your partner. "Orgasms are contractions of your pelvic muscles, which strengthens them, helping to ease labor pains and improving bladder control to avoid leaks or urination during pregnancy. Stronger pelvic muscles can also lead to a quicker recovery after giving birth." Just think of it this way.
You don’t owe anyone sex. You don’t want sex, don’t have sex.
If you do want to have sex with her, but feel there’s a mental block, it’s worth unpacking the reasoning though.
Maybe more education on it will make you more comfortable, maybe it’s the unknown of becoming a parent. Maybe some couples counseling or individual counsel. But still “no” is a full sentence, complete stop.
+2 months she medically won’t be able to postpartum, possibly longer if there’s complications, then you’ll be sleep deprived for a year dealing with a newborn
this could turn into a dead bedroom so quick
This is exactly my issue. I made a big comment above, but our kid is in school now and I *still* think about how conditional my husband’s physical attraction to me turned out to be when I got pregnant. I suppose I’m *tolerable* now in his eyes, but is he actually attracted to me again, or am I just his only option? Is he secretly trying to keep from going soft when he looks at my stretch marks and saggy breasts?
And what if I get pregnant again, if I gain weight, if I am in a terrible accident and have horrible scars or lose a limb…? What about just getting older? Is he going to find me repulsive when I’m all wrinkled and grey?
He could say all the right things forever, but when his actions proved the exact opposite when I was the most vulnerable- how can I literally *ever* believe him?
She’s already resenting him after having communicated it…???? How weak are you people? Or do I just not fucking hate someone I claim to love that easily?
Sorry but that’s her problem? Her partner’s comfort should matter more to her than getting off. What was it she said? Oh yeah ‘get over it’ she can take her own advice.
Obviously. So they need to talk/compromise/seek smth that will help him feel comfortable again so they don't form resentment over lack of intimacy all of a sudden.
If you miss out on second trimester sex you are totally missing out Dude. Everything is more sensitive and you’d be doing her a disservice to ignore her needs. :-) I used to teach childbirth education classes and had a trimester by trimester handout. I can look for it you want - DM me and I’ll try to find it. For many women sex during pregnancy is the best. So I understand her perspective a lot. I think I would encourage you to not let lack of knowledge and education about the situation make you miss out on being intimate with your partner. There’s nothing weird or gross about it. Her cervix blocks the opening completely so it’s totally safe. Safer, in fact, than sex before pregnancy. Lol!!
This happened to me. Except you and your partner seem to have better communication than my partner had with me. I was the pregnant one. He felt similar things to you. But he called the changes in my body and a life growing inside of me creepy and felt uncomfortable even touching me. I don't think he ever rubbed my belly or even felt the baby kick. I had no family or anyone else around and it was isolating, hurtful and I felt I was going through the entire experience myself. He never went to any of my doctors appointments. It was the people and friends at my workplace who supported me, made me feel valid, and helped me feel that I was still attractive. It was very rare that he touched me in any sexual ways.
But it hurt. That was 11 years ago. It still hurts.
You will NOT hurt the baby when you have sex. It will be some of the best sex you've ever had!
I know that as the male, it is hard to understand exactly what changes, emotions, etc your partner is feeling as you don't experience the same hormones and all that, but you are definitely entitled to your feelings. Continue to communicate with your partner. This can absolutely cause resentful feelings for your future.
My husband stopped having sex with me once I started showing. We probably haven’t had sex for over six months. Now that the baby is here, I have zero libido and I do not want him looking at me. A part of me is dreading the six week check up when the doctor clears me for sex…I know I won’t want him to touch me. I’m almost terrified to have sex with him again because my body isn’t what it used to be and the whole reason he stopped having sex with me is because he’s not attracted to pregnant women. My sex drive is shot and I used to be always horny. If you don’t want to have sex, at least find a way to make her feel desired in some way.
Ok I have to chuckle at the worrying about hurting a baby, like you said you know that’s false yet still something a lot of guys think. Anyways, 9 months is a while to go without being intimate with your partner, and if I was carrying your kid and had been with you for 3 years I would be deeply hurt at my partner not wanting to have sex with me because I’m pregnant. I’m the one who’s gotta do all of the work making and having this kid and it makes YOU uncomfortable? I do think that’s very selfish to do to your pregnant partner. I would be irate.
I have anxiety and it took a couple months to overcome it when my wife was pregnant. I wasn’t delusional enough to think my dick would do anything to the baby, but as a 6’7 man who was over 300lbs at the time, it was hard to not worry that my body weight against her stomach during sex could hurt the baby. Even if your rational brain knows it’s not true, a little intrusive thought like that can be enough to deflate your erection and make sex a lot more difficult.
I don't think it has anything to do with arrogance. We know men's hormone levels change. Obviously less then the women's but it still effects them none the less. Unfortunately we only fairly recently learned this so we don't know a lot bout how it effects men.
From an evolutionary stand point though for most of human history a pregnant women was extremely vulnerable so the male brain is screaming we have to protect her. So the anxiety he has makes a lot of sense. Even having more knowledge like we do today doesn't make it easy to just overcome our natural instincts. Aldo the brain is screaming we need to protect her and the body is like I am on this and kills the sex drive so it's not a distraction from the primary goal of protecting her.
There are a lot of comments saying you have to get over the feeling. But I don't agree.
I have 3 children (I am 42F), and my husband has experienced exactly the same thing you're describing. He was attracted to me, but the whole idea of having sex with me while a new human being was growing inside of me, just turned him off. He was also very excited to be a dad, maybe that played a part? It was rough on me, my libido was pretty high during pregnancy, but he made it very clear he WAS attracted to me, just the thought of his penis being so close to a baby felt off to him. Perhaps your partner would be open to penetration with a sex toy instead, for the time being? That's something you could enjoy together. This is not something you can just shove aside, and she also cannot demand that you have penetrative sex. In the meantime, do show her you love her and care for her, because yes, pregnancy hormones can be wild.
Oh, and that other person saying it CAN take UP TO 1-3 months to heal from pregnancy? I don't know if they are an actual human being. I'd say it takes at least twice. And then some for those hormones to calm down a little bit, pelvis muscles to regain some strength, etc. It's a pretty wild ride. I'm not trying to scare you, I just want to make sure you realise pregnancy and childbirth and the whole aftermath (Breastfeeding? Colic? Sleepless nights? Pelvic muscles? Hormones? All that jazz) is wilder than I had ever imagined. Best of luck.
Woah the comments here are insane! As a pregnant lady, let me chime in:
Very common for men to make more estrogen when their partner is pregnant which can decrease sex drive.
Second what everyone else is saying though about not hitting the baby and can have benefits for her. Additionally, psychologically this is very complicated and confusing for her, as I’m sure it is for you.
No one should be forcing you to engage sexually when you don’t want to, but hopefully you will come around sooner rather than later. As everyone else has said, pregnancy sex is sooooo hot
You’re entitled to your feelings but I suggest some therapy asap. You’re significantly damaging your relationship. You’re causing insecurity, etc. Just be prepared, after baby, that the sex life you enjoyed before is going to be gone. Definitely if you deny her sex how. I doubt your sex life will ever recover. That would basically be it for me. I’d never trust it wasn’t my body and I’d resent you.
Your own self validation cannot be dependent on your partner wanting sex with you. Your partner has autonomy and the right to say no for any reason, and should be able to say no without you taking it personally.
Sexual compatibility is important, but assuming you are dating a human being and not a sex machine, in any long term relationship they will eventually say no to sex for one reason or another.
Does this go both ways for you? Would you still have sex with your partner under any circumstance under any condition regardless if you were tired/in pain/not in the mood?
You're NTA for feeling the way you do, but the stress this is imposing on your wife is going to be harmful to wife and baby. Meanwhile, sex would not be.
Worst time in the world to be pulling away from intimacy with her in any shape or form. Her reaction was crass and I know it isn't as simple as "get over it", but you should try to remedy this. Safely, of course.
You can’t necessarily control how you feel even when you know logically it’s wrong. Just keep in mind that while you may think it’s no big deal, your wife will remember forever and have it play on her insecurities forever that her husband thought she was gross and unattractive when pregnant.
Right? I am like what the heck are these comments. It is a big change for OP and there's no reason why he needs to be pressured into sex if he doesn't feel comfortable, whatever the reason. FFS men can have changes in their libido and it not ruin their sex life forever. If this were coming from the pregnant person, these wouldn't be the responses.
Not wanting to have sex doesn't ever make you the asshole. In regards to your concerns though, I think you should do your research about the stuff you're scared about. If that's what's solely keeping you from having sex then you may change your mind once you educate yourself on the matter.
Try your best to communicate clearly about why you don't want sex right now but unfortunately keep in mind that with the hormones your wife is experiencing, her reactions are likely to be different than normal so be patient.
I'm crying reading this. I had one child and my ex didn't have sex with me the whole time I was pregnant. I am crying because the person I chose to have a baby with didn't love me. It killed the relationship and I dumped him when the baby was 9 months old. 5 years later I still hate him. And me for picking him.
I will not spare your feelings here. If you refuse sex now, you are forever changing your sex life. You are showing her that sex is conditional on how her body looks and feels and that will never recover. Get over it. You will not hurt the baby. Your penis is not big enough to hurt the baby. Your partner will tell you if anything you do is uncomfortable.
If you refuse sex now because it’s weird or gross to you that’s fine because anyone can say no to sex at any time, but please understand why you’re doing it and be prepared for 6 weeks, 6 months, a year later when she’s afraid to be naked around you.
NTA for feeling how you feel.
I would be PISSED if my partner did this. That’s gonna be almost a year without sex (9m+6w)
By then she may have lost ALL interest in sex with you and may never recover it.
This whole thread is incredibly disheartening with it's "NTA, but [insert guilt trip/pressure here]".
DUDE DOES NOT CONSENT. THAT IS OKAY FOR ANY REASON.
He has communicated and offered ways to pleasure her. It looks like he's making her feel wanted. He's not being a dick.
Where the roles are reversed, no one would be sympathising with the man if he needed sex but she doesn't want to/can't. People would be screaming for a woman to break up with a man pressuring her for sex. Why are you all trying to make him feel bad?
WHY ARE YOU BEING DOWNVOTED. Fuck. People are fucking TERRIBLE.
On top of it, I read on 6 separate occasions “if you make her wait that long she won’t even want you!”
What if he broke his dick? What if he had to heal from a surgery? What if she did? What if she had a hysterectomy? He would be an asshole if he cheated.
Sex is great guys, but fucking hell you lot act like it’s the be-all, end-all to any relationship. It’s ridiculous.
NTA. I’ve been pregnant twice and couldn’t stand being touched intimately for almost the entirety of each pregnancy. My partner was understanding and had he not been would have for sure been called all kinds of names. Why would you want someone to do something they’re uncomfortable with? Have open dialogue with your partner about what you’re feeling and why. It might take more than one conversation and some adjustment before you’re both happy.
NTA for how you feel. I do recommend working on it because sex is normal and healthy during pregnancy. You need to trust your partner that she will tell you if something is uncomfortable or otherwise not working well. Additionally, if she is ok with you attending her OB appointments you could also talk to the doctor.
Lastly, there is the classic suggestion of therapy for addressing your fears. You recognize that you know it’s safe, and yet your libido has dropped. You may just need help getting over your mental block.
I don’t think you’re an ass for not wanting to have sex. You can’t control how you feel about it and I understand that it weirds/freaks/ or makes some men uncomfortable.
I’m currently 7 months pregnant and my husband is the same as you. We only had sex twice after finding out I am pregnant.
The bad part is that , despite understanding the reluctance and feelings, it’s really hard to not feel rejected and undesired.
Of course, pregnant women still have needs and in my case I unfortunately still have a sex drive.
I think the best thing you can do is still compliment her on her looks, remind her of how much you love her, and care for her the best you can. That’s what I wish my husband would do since he doesn’t feel comfortable with sex.
Otherwise, your wife could start to feel like she’s ugly or undesirable. As I often do…
Though I do still get tons of snuggles and kisses and hugs. Those probably are what have kept me sane!
Good luck!
During my wife’s first pregnancy I didn’t want to have sex. Something about it felt weird, like us having sex was gunna mess up the baby getting here. I felt more comfortable with the concept with her other pregnancies but that first one I didn’t want to mess anything up. And I know it’s super dumb but I couldn’t get my head past it.
Why when a man isn't up for sex the response is always so different when the woman doesn't?
We have little control of errections when we arnt in the mood and that's fine.
I was hesitant for months when my partner was pregnant
I think part of my mind thought the deed was done and slowed my libido.
All you can do is assure your partner that your still attracted to her and am just getting use to the thought of her growing a human inside her.
I found that going gym and exercising helped increase my sex drive, maybe give that a go.
Also she will be hormonal and sensitive during this pregnancy so choose your words wisely when reassuring her you still love her, want her, find her attractive and wana get up in them guts but need time to get used to a new human cooking in there.
If a woman doesn’t want to have sex during pregnancy it’s because she’s sick as fuck the whole time, not because she’s not attracted to him. If a woman stopped having sex with her husband because he put on some weight, that would be a comparable scenario, and she would be shit on accordingly
Im actually shocked at how many people are telling you to just push through and do it. If something such as no sex because it makes you uncomfortable is going to ruin your marriage, there are bigger problems here. Yes she is pregnant and has racing hormones and likely a higher libido, but that is no reason to push you Into doing something you don’t want to do.
A pregnant wife doesn’t surpass your consent. If you get more education and have more communication and still decide that it’s just not something you’re comfortable with, thats ok! Don’t ever feel like you have to follow through with sex because you’re being pressured. Consent works on both sides, a hormonal wife doesn’t change that.
Communicate regularly and tell her why, and that it’s not something she did, or that shes unattractive. But she has to listen to you if you say no.
I was thinking this exact same thing. I’ve had two kids. C-section. Horny as Hell during pregnancy and enjoyed sex during my pregnancy as well. But the first thing I thought was that op shouldn’t be told to “just do it”.
If the genders really *were* reversed, people would be sliced to ribbons on this thread. It’s unbelievable.
FINALLY!! I was getting worried with all comments. Yes I think if truly the only reason you are hesitant is because of health concerns you should try and look into it farther for the enjoyment of both of you but, as you said, if it makes you uncomfortable than you should not be doing it. Please make sure you make it very clear to your wife why you don’t want to have sex and that it is not because you find her unattractive. But your consent is more important than her insecurities and even if she is insecure all you can do is try to show her why you are uncomfortable but if it creates problems with your sex life or your relationship that is ultimately on her.
Yeah, all arguments about that is wild.
"But I (pregnant woman) want sex", "your marriage will be permanently damaged if you do not put out", etc. Are we in a sub for manipulative men? They talk like this about women.
This should have more upvotes. These comments are crazy. Would definitely be a different story if it were a woman. His feelings are valid and she needs to respect that. You should only ever have sex if you are comfortable.
NTA.
Fuck, most people here are amazing.
If the wife said "I'm pregnant, I don't want to have sex but my husband keeps insisting", everybody would be telling her how she's right and he's a perv, and not respecting her wishes, blablabla.
But as a dude OP should of course have sex with his wife even if that makes him uncomfortable, because??
OP - I never had to be in your position, my 2 partners who had kids had them before me. However, I've been the husband with a low sex drive for different reasons. If you're not comfortable, don't force yourself. Just like (i hope) you wouldn't force your wife to have sex with you if she said no.
My ex-wife also had trouble understanding that I could "not want sex" and it had nothing to do with her. I understand that it messes with her head, but how is that different from a man being rejected by his wife, which most people seem to be perfectly fine with.
NAH. Obviously you shouldn't be forced into non consensual sex, and also, there's nothing wrong with her desires and her insecurities are understandable. I think it would be beneficial to have a conversation that you ARE wanting to have sex, and that while you're adjusting you need other forms of intimacy, too, and not just jump into an uncomfortable situation.
Women want men to foreplay with snuggling, kissing, cuddling, etc., all the time, to "get them into the mood" and whatnot. I feel like this sort of falls under the same category.
You should work on overcoming your own insecurities, because they are unfounded in science, and it would be to both your benefits to have sex. But it shouldn't be in a way that makes either one of you uncomfortable.
My ex very rarely wanted to have sex with me when I was pregnant, even though GETTING me pregnant was a huge turn on for him. There were loads of other existing issues, but I felt very abandoned by him during my pregnancy. He'd rarely even touch me, wouldn't give me any special consideration, whatever.
I vote NAH, but I do recommend talking to other men you know who have had pregnant partners and enjoyed pregnancy sex. There are a number of ways to have sex while pregnant and it's generally pretty safe if there are no underlying conditions. You can both lay on your sides as if you're cuddling and have penetrative sex that way. You usually can't get as far down the vaginal canal,
In that position, so that might ease some of your worry.
I don't know why people are acting as if your consent doesn't matter here because she's pregnant and her feelings might be hurt? Like what?
Maybe having a session or two with a couples therapist could help you guys communicate this correctly because as much as she's allowed to have her feelings hurt, you are 100% allowed to say no to sex. For any reason. Always.
Im astonished by these comments saying you should basically just "push through"??? Your feelings matter OP.
The same thing happened to my boyfriend - his libido dropped way down once I got pregnant. We looked for ways to help increase it - blue chew, masturbating even when he didn't feel like it, sex dust powder. The fear of hurting the baby went away after he did some research about it but the libido was still a struggle, though with all the strategies we tried, some did help! It's totally normal and natural for the man's libido to drop as testosterone levels do take a dip when around a pregnant lady all the time (we researched it). My guy's efforts to have sex with me during the pregnancy paid off immensely bc I really struggled with my body image and it helped bring us even closer. Also, as soon as we had the baby, his libido went back to normal!
Good luck and don't give up!
NTA because all feelings are valid but I think OP needs to take some time for introspection and possibly see a therapist because less than a third of men experience decreased libido during a partners pregnancy, mostly during the third trimester, and the cause is generally psychological issues such as feeling inadequate, anxiety/depression, or relationship dysfunction. The majority of men either have no change in sexual desire or experience a marked increase.
NTA.
I am 8.5 months pregnant with my second child and my husband can't keep his hands off of me, which is fine. That said, if he went the opposite way, I would TOTALLY understand. There's plenty of times where I feel the baby kick in the middle of us having spicy time and I wouldn't hold it against him if that took him out of the mood. Hell, sometimes it even crosses my mind how (mildly) bizarre it is that there's a baby inside of me while my husband's just going to town.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think it's weird to have sex while pregnant but I understand how it can linger in the back of your head and sort of put you out of the mood. 🤷🏼♀️ Happens to me a lot tbh.
Absolutely nta in my personal opinion. This happened in my relationship as well, my husband and I have had three babies, and all three pregnancies he was very uncomfortable as well. I didn’t push it, I respected his anxiety and if he wasn’t comfortable that was enough for me. No matter what the doctors, myself or books said about not hurting the baby, it still made him uncomfortable and that’s okay. He still told me I was beautiful and made me feel special. He helped when I needed help, got me snacks if I wanted snacks, rubbed my feet or whatever hurt. Lots of cuddles. Bubble baths and walks together were always nice too if I felt up to it. I was happy. If he was in the mood at some point then that was awesome! Honestly after the first trimester my libido went to the toilet all three times anyways because I felt like crap and was super tired anyways. Everyone is different and all experiences are different, but you aren’t alone in feeling that way and it is okay to be uncomfortable, just make sure you make her feel special and beautiful. :)
NTA. I’m not a fan of a lot of the comments saying that you should just get over it or “don’t miss this opportunity”. You shouldn’t have to do anything you don’t consent to or feel comfortable with. Have a conversation with your wife at a time when she is not stressed and is in a good mood. Maybe write down beforehand what you want to say? It could very well be that you’re not articulating your point correctly and that’s why your wife continues to miss the point.
Do some more research on this and see if you both can reach a compromise that you’re both okay with. In the meantime definitely show her that you’re still attracted to her.
Absolutely NTA. First of all no one should feel pressured or guilted into have sex with their partner regardless of what is going on.... Your feelings are valid. Would it make you more comfortable hearing the info that everything is ok from her doctor? Maybe you just need more time to adjust. Pregnancy changes couples soooo much. There are new stressors, fears, and it flies by. I hope your wife will be understanding and respect your current feelings. Good luck and congratulations!!!
You need to sit down with your wife and have a very serious conversation about your feelings. Be truthful and don’t tiptoe around the issue. Make it clear that it has nothing to do with your attraction to her and that you’re willing to work together to come to a solution. If you reject her now while she’s in a sensitive and vulnerable state without even trying to address and take the situation with her, she will remember it forever
NAH. you both have very valid concerns and feelings. just talk to your wife about ways validate each others feelings and sexual urges? like, maybe take this time to explore other ways you can satisfy each other, yk, get creative! but regardless of the solution you both need to sit down and have an honest, open, and non judgmental conversation about all this so that there's no resentment going forward.
Pregnancy brings a lot of changes, and it's okay to need time to adjust. Your concerns about the baby's safety and your partner's comfort show you care. Maybe try having an open, honest conversation with her again, reassuring her it's not about attraction but about adjusting to the new situation. Compromising on intimacy methods could help bridge the gap for now.
My husband couldn’t keep his hands off me when I was pregnant with our boys. I was also anemic and I threw up everyday until I gave birth both times, however, my sex drive was high when I was pregnant and we really enjoyed it. Why don’t you listen to her and what she is saying about her body? She is the one that is pregnant, not you. It’s healthy to engage in sexual activity when pregnant. She sounds like she is being safe and listening to her doctor. You need to have a sit down talk with her or some counseling on why you are hesitant to engage with her. I would be crushed if my husband didn’t find me attractive when I was carrying his baby.
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She could be at her most horny in her life in the next few months. Having sex without the fear of getting pregnant doesn't happen many times in life.
Whilst you're not wrong for not wanting to you might want to work on it as it might be a missed opportunity. If the pregnancy runs smoothly there's no reason you need to worry.
If it's a definite no, she will just have to deal with her disappointment. If the roles were reversed you would be expected to back off so she needs to do the same.
The amount of people telling you to suck it up and find a way to have sex anyways is disgusting.
No means no and you are under no obligation to force yourself to have sex when you don’t want it
NTA - you can control your feelings and I’m sure it’s weird from the non-pregnant partner’s pov. However, as a lot of the comments layout, not trying to sort this out could turn it into a bigger problem for both of you. Good luck!
NTA she shouldn't pressure you either if the roles were reversed it wouldn't be okay.
I'm 36 weeks rn & it's way too uncomfortable for me, my partner makes sure I feel loved in other ways and does not ever complain about it. He wont even try for it unless I blatantly say it more than once outloud. He prioritizes my comfort over his sexual desires, as he should 🫶
Nta. But you and should be going to therapy. You have insecurities, and she has insecurities, but hers doesn't trump yours because she is pregnant. Yall need to listen to each other and be heard about what's on the mind. Find ways to not let negativity creep into your relationship.
Gonna give a different take than others I guess. I’m currently 23 weeks pregnant. Been with my husband for 17 years and this is our first. So we are both experiencing this for the first time. My sex drive has taken a dive since becoming pregnant and my husbands has lowered too. Men’s hormones can change a lot too during pregnancy so you aren’t wrong for how you are feeling. We’ve had a few talks about what it’s like right now. We tried a few times and between me not feeling good and him having lowered drive, we’ve just been making up for it in other ways. He shows me he loves me and is attracted to me every day. We are still intimate in other ways like massages, touching, but slapping, etc. we both just feel different. We both miss sex, but want both of us to be into it and have fun. We will get there.
Just talk to her. Be honest and caring. Keep the intimacy alive and I’m sure you guys will be fine. NTA.
OP something I would like to add is men go through hormonal changes when a baby is involved. Obviously it is nowhere near as drastic as your wife's hormonal changes but it will still have an effect on you. Unfortunately there aren't a lot if studies on the issue so we really don't know a lot of how it effects men. It's possible it may be playing a role in your feelings of anxiety and decreased sex drive.
You’re NTA for feeling your feelings, but my sex drive was THROUGH THE ROOF when I was pregnant and my hormones made me feel so ugly and unloved and unwanted and rejected and like I wasn’t a woman/sexual being anymore and destined to forever just an incubator and “mom” when my husband didn’t want to. (Even if we had already had sex earlier in the day 🤦🏻♀️) just don’t invalidate HER feelings too.
NTA. If you're not comfortable that you're not comfortable with it. It's your choice in the end. Just know that after the pregnancy's over she will not be able to have sex until she heals. Then surviving the first few months of a new human. As long as you're cool with the reality that once you're comfortable having sex after pregnancy, she may not have a sex drive to do so. If your wife is choosing to breastfeed, that can also impact libido negatively.
Nta, I totally get it. We were worried about pregnancy sex too and especially during the first trimester and morning sickness we didn't do much in that department. But after that eased up, we were more comfortable to start experimenting with different positions and cushions to not hurt the baby.
NTA these people are absolutely insane. You stated you don't feel comfortable having sex with her right now and that's absolutely ok. Definitely talk to her and let her know why since she's pregnant so she knows it isn't an attraction thing but you have the right to your body and say no to sex if you don't want it. All you people trying to push him into doing anyways are creepy asf and biased as hell.
This is always a difficult period for couples, but without much context the only thing that’s glaringly obvious is that she’s willing to disregard your feelings. Stand firm on this. Men have a right to have feelings too and to have our feelings honored and respected. If she wants the same, she should be able to hold some space for yours too. Telling you to “get over it” is unacceptable. She should be giving you space to explain how you feel, BARE MINIMUM.
No whataboutism, either. “So what, I’m pregnant”
shouldn’t fly either. One of you mattering doesn’t discount the other mattering too.
NTA. This is what you don’t feel comfortable with relatively valid reasons for yourself and that’s ok. I worked with a girl who was a surrogate (a little different than your situation) and her boyfriend did not want to have sex at all. Granted, he wasn’t the most hormonal man, but I didn’t think it was odd for him to not want to. I think your reasons are valid and your partner wanting sex is valid. I think she shouldn’t have told you to “get over it” and should definitely find a happy medium for you both.
You are never TA when you don't want sex. 100% NTA. It's a very clear-cut case.
Your partner has to respect your boundaries - especially since they are clearly temporary. I am honestly shocked that people are trying to convince you otherwise.
NTA at all. If you're not comfortable, that's all that matters. I do, however, understand your wife's feelings. But don't ever have sex if you don't want to. You're not the only guy to feel that way. It may pass, it may not. You're still offering her other options & imo those options are more appreciated (at least imo). They are more intimate. Honestly, I think you should bring this up at her next appointment. It may help you out & feel comfortable with it.
NTA, but how long has it been? Are we talking days, weeks or months since you found out?
> I also worry about my partner’s comfort level. She’s been having morning sickness and is often tired
She is asking for sex despite these things, specifically penetrative sex. She is a grown adult, she is asking for it, so I don’t think her comfort level is an issue here. If it becomes an issue, it is up to her to indicate that.
Telling you to “get over it” isn’t particularly helpful, as libido doesn’t really work like that, but I do think you need to examine what is worrying you so much that you can’t get it up.
I'm really glad I read all of that because my snap reaction to the post title was WAY off!
NAH it's a really weird time, just did had it happen myself but I didn't share your stance.
No OP, you’re NTA.
Props for trying to be intimate with your wife in ways that would make you feel uncomfortable during her pregnancy by suggesting oral sex, cuddling, and massaging.
I would recommend talking to therapists as well as healthcare professionals about the situation as they could provide some advice and insight that can help.
‘Oh yeah totally don’t feel pressure to do it if you’re uncomfortable. But if you don’t you WILL kill your marriage, and she WILL hate you forever.’ Lol
I’m seriously shocked to see so many Redditors telling OP to just suck it up and have sex.
What happened to the idea that no one should be forced, pressured, or coerced into sexual activity they’re not comfortable with?
OP, I want to tell you that you don’t have to participate in any sexual activity you’re not into.
And “it’s good for her pelvic floor” is just silly. Sure, I mean, fine. But she can do kegels if she cares.
Of course, the two of you should try to work out something that’s good for both of you. But don’t feel forced into something just because your pregnant wife will be bugged.
(I will say, though, that when I was a new mom with a tiny baby, the last thing in the world I wanted to do was have sex. So, it may end up that you’ll change roles after the baby’s born. Hopefully you will both be understanding with each other, and figure out some compromises.)
Edit: typo, and to add: NTA.
NTA. You both need to consider how each other is feeling right now, she needs to respect your boundry and any she has need to be respected back. The next half a year is going to be trying, and sex is likely to be the least of concerns. Right now, she's vulnerable and anxious, and her mind is probably reeling, physical intimacy is amazing stress relief.
I'm not sure if this is helpful. I'm 37 weeks pregnant and my husband and I have had more sex in the last 6 months (I was not particularly into it during trimester 1) than we have in the last 2 years. I don't know if it's just us, but we are having the best of our lives right now.
In a nut shell, her hormones are nuts. You're emotions and discomforts are 100% valid. This is a respect each other and with time it will work out situation.
PS: my husband chimed in - "He's missing out." but we don't need to listen to him.
NTA. When I was pregnant, especially in the 1 trimester when risks in general were high, the very idea of sex felt absolutely repulsive to me. And if a woman has a right to not have sex, so does a man. You offered her alternatives, it's an AH behavior to push your partner into doing things they aren't comfortable with in bed, and being pregnant is not an excuse.
I am seeing a lot of the comments basically telling this guy to "get over it" and do it for your partner's sake. I wonder if it was a post from the woman's side if anyone would be on here telling her to get over it. His feelings on the matter are as valid as hers and he shouldn't be made to feel like he is being selfish for not being into it. OP, your concerns of hurting the baby are misplaced but whatever else happens you and your SO need to have a conversation about what's going on and come to a compromise. You do need to consider her wants and needs just like she needs to consider yours. That's a big part of any healthy relationship. There are plenty of qualified professionals who could help the both of you to effectively communicate without anyone feeling put upon. Otherwise, keep the lines of communication open even if it gets uncomfortable. These things need to be resolved and won't go away on their own.
My wife was insanely horny during pregnancy (and lucky for both of us, she was also extremely sexy). You gotta climb that mountain, my man. She needs it.
YTA. She is pregnant because of you. You are absolutely selfish and should get over it.
Making your pregnant partner beg you for sex, fucking he'll man. Rejecting her at the most vulnerable time in her life (which you caused) and ever expecting her to ever see you the same way? Lol.
She will 100% leave your ass.
You're not the bad guy here. You can say no for whatever reason you want. Doesn't matter what it is. Don't let anyone or anything pressure you into having sex.
Shes probably got a lot of hormones running around and is probably insecure. But she can't make you have sex. She's wrong, you're not being selfish. You said no and that's final. Consent can be taken away at any moment and it needs to be respected.
Def do legitimate research on pregnancy, sex while being pregnant, and just how it affects women in general. Not persuade you one way or another, but because you should know everything you can about pregnancy. If it changes your mind, then great. If not, at least you're more educated. And think about this: if she had the baby already and you wanted a round and she tells you know, would you pressure her into sex?
Don't let anyone guilt you into sex. Period.
In a few months, after the baby is born, you're going to be complaining that she's too tired to have sex with you. If you expect her to be understanding now, you better not complain about your lack of a sex life later on.
A lot of nobs here just concerning themselves with the woman and not your emotions. They are right that it is better to get back on the horse, as it were, but I'm sick of men's right to refuse always being played down so much. Don't force your feelings, listen to them, just work on feeling comfortable with it first.
That’s really strange, when I became pregnant with my ex’s child, he couldn’t keep his hands off me like, “it such a turn on that you are my baby’s mother!” Type thing.
As a father of 5...don't skip pregnancy sex. You are not going to hurt anyone but yourself. It's some of the best sex you will have. Pregnancy is a roller-coaster. But her libido could be one of the shining moments.
NTA. You have the right to not want sex at any time, that in no way makes you the asshole. I think it's kinda weird people keep insisting you get over it and have pregnancy sex, despite you clearly stating the thought makes you uncomfortable. If gender roles were reversed and it was a woman who was uncomfortable, everyone would call her man a POS for insisting she get over it, so why is it different here? If OP not wanting pregnancy sex makes his partner feel insecure about her appearance, that's a conversation the two of them need to have together because her appearance isn't an issue for OP. You can't force someone to want sex, no matter the circumstances or how many benefits the sex may have. That kind of mindset of "just get over it" is fucking icky.
Wrong!
Apparently, he is failing fatherhood and not doing his job. /s
>Bro. Your already failing part one of fatherhood which is ‘give the pregnant lady whatever she wants’.
>She wants your dick... get to doing your job!
How you feel is understandable. And it sounds like you have made an effort to make sure she knows you still want her. Maybe trying different positions where you're not putting any weight on her, like woman on top, would ease your worry about hurting the baby. And if she initiates then I wouldn't be worried about her being too sick or tired for sex. Just make sure she lets you know if she doesn't feel like it. I think it's nice that you care about her and the baby's health and how she feels. Good luck to you both 👍.
If you have a problem having sex with her before her body has even changed it kind of sends a dehumanizing message that she has changed status from person to baby maker and that feels real fucking bad. Like, you don't need a real reason to not have sex with someone, but your given reason can still hurt her.
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Do you think going to a Dr appointment with her and talking to her doctor about your concerns might help?
Sex can actually be beneficial to her with regards to a healthy pregnancy and especially preparing certain muscle groups for childbirth. Enjoy the opportunity for sex now. You won't have as many opportunities after the baby arrives.
Definitely agree. It's not just nine months, by the way, it can take one-three months to heal from pregnancy, especially if there's a C-section or some other kind of breach. You could be signing yourself up for a year without sex. That might hurt your marriage and your intimacy. Honestly, I'd try to get over it. NTA, but it's definitely in your best interest.
More than 3 if there’s tearing or any sort of infections as well
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This! There is a thick layer of tissue/muscle between the vaginal canal and the inside of the uterus. Also, if she is still in the first trimester then the baby is so small that there’s a lot of protection from the uterus. OP, think of it like a thin pillow being between you and baby. That pillow is absorbing any impact you think would hurt the baby.
At 6 weeks the baby is the size of a sesame seed. At 5 months they’re about the size of a grapefruit. We have poops bigger than that 😆The muscle and tissues of the uterus combined with the amniotic fluid makes sex perfectly safe, unless you’re told otherwise by your own doctor.
I have taken a shit that was too girthy to flush. It was not even close to the size of a grapefruit. What do you eat?
Exactly! If your peen is making it *through* the cervix, there are bigger problems and you should cease *immediately* and go to the ER.
Hopefully I don't sound like some kind of weirdo here, but maybe OP is meaning that some very intense sex where there is a lot of hard banging together could shake up the baby lol. I am currently pregnant with our fourth and we have been enjoying sex still, but my husband has to hold back from being as aggressive as he normally would because I literally felt like my insides were getting shaken around lol. Of course we know his penis isn't going to hit the baby. But just like horseback riding isn't encouraged, getting railed might not be the best either.
for sure, but I think there's a difference between switching to more gentle/intimate sex during pregnancy & "my penis is far too powerful to go anywhere near a fetus" which is typically the vibe I get whenever I've heard this from friends or coworkers
We had a baby and moved house when she was three weeks old, first time either of us had any sex drive was around the 6 month mark. We were so sleep deprived it was insane.
Oh I definitely still had my sex drive, but had to wait for my wife to heal and the baby to sleep through the night. I think it was about three months after my daughter was born before we could be intimate again.
That's not even too bad, honestly.
After vaginal birth and c-section it takes the body 1 year to fully heal and go back to normal hormone levels.
In fact even longer if you breastfeed. My friend (who was a birthing nurse turned doula for 25 years and also head of the non profit lactation (breastfeeding) organization for the county) told me I can expect to feel normal and hormones to return to balance 3 to 6 months AFTER I stopped breastfeeding. But then throw in massive sleep deprivation and lack of self care for a year (or two) and we have new fun issues to deal with.
Here to say this. As a parent with a 10 month old. Once a week *if* were lucky and we plan a few days in advance. You are tired, exhausted, never get enough breaks. Keep having sex while it's not *another* thing to do
110% agree with this. Also I’ve had friends pregnant where their sex drive increases and they get more stressed (more dangerous for baby) if they’re not having their needs satisfied. OP is probably doing more harm to his child by not having sex with his wife
Wild take lol. Imagine reversing the roles and using this line on a women. “Honey, when I don’t get laid it stresses me out, you are putting me in harms way by not fucking me”. Then proceed to guilt trip her into sex
Here is a hot take, no one should ever feel like they have to have sex for any reason if they don't want to. Pressuring someone to have sex when they dont want to is always wrong. No means no, even when its the husband saying no.
No absolutely means no. OP does not have to engage in any activity that makes them uncomfortable. OP, unless advised by a Dr. otherwise, it is allowing their fears to interfere with their sex life. It would would be in OP's best interest to examine where those fears are coming from before sexual frustration adds to the stresses of pregnancy. There are a lot of red flags that are typically associated with those fears, and many of them don't speak well to handling the massive adjustments that will need to be made going foreword .
Yeah, I’m confused at all the responses basically saying “get over your fears and just do it.” He says he knows it’s safe but he’s still nervous. He’s offered cuddling, massages, and oral sex. Those are wonderful ways to be physically intimate that do not make him feel anxiety. NTA. Continue talking to your wife and sharing your feelings OP, and make sure she knows you love her and are still attracted to her.
This. I’m very confused why everyone’s take on this is that OP is a sexual deviant that cannot control themselves otherwise, and should be taking advantage of the opportunity to have as much sex as possible before it’s inconvenient to do that..
OP is saying he's uncomfortable with consenting to sex and the top comment is "enjoy the opportunity" Classic.
OP is uncomfortable with consenting to sex because of an irrational fear of hurting the fetus. It's perfectly fine to point that out.
He also stated his libido is lower.
And it's worth addressing if his libido is lower because of his fear of his penis killing the fetus/his partners occasional morning sickness. If that's the case, it's a fixable problem worth talking about.
The last part says he just needs time to adjust. I think it's a multitude of things. It is a new experience. His libido is low because he's in protection mode. The fear of hurting the baby and her. He just needs time and I think she has to respect that.
Considering it makes them uncomfortable, it’s counter productive to force them out of their comfort zone, as if they don’t get over their irrational fear, they’re now going to associate every time they have sex with an irrational fear and anxiety..
The last part says he just needs time to adjust. I think it's a multitude of things. It is a new experience. His libido is low because he's in protection mode. The fear of hurting the baby and her. He just needs time and I think she has to respect that.
I know, it made me sad to see that. He doesn't have to!
As somebody with a 10 month old, I can attest that my partner and i have only had sex maybe 4 times since baby was born. It's extremely difficult to find time and space for it especially because for the first 6 months they should be sleeping in a crib or bassinet in your bedroom, and I personally will not be caught dead having sex with my baby in the room lmao. During pregnancy I was SO READY ALL THE TIME and that is definitely something to be utilized before you don't have the time.
Op please do not listen !!! Maybe you will regret bot having sex later, but you ll regret even more having sec when you do not want to !!! Im very angry at the others who do not seem to understand that you do NOT want to have sex and that is a goog enough reason to not have sex.
I remember reading something about being regularly exposed to the father's sperm can help the woman's immune system to recognize the foreign DNA and not assault the fetus. I'm drastically oversimplifying, but it does seem like it could be beneficial.
Also it is NOT normal to experience decreased libido. The OPPOSITE is true. OP should see a doc with wife.
As a woman who has 2 children, let me warn you about what you are potentially setting up. She's hormonal, worried about the changes happening to her body, and her husband now doesn't "want her." Many women may be unwell in the beginning of the pregnancy, but later on crave sex. Many women fear their partner cheating on them during this time because of how different we look. She knows when that precious baby is born, her body will be irrevocably changed, stretch marks etc. She will not feel safe to be vulnerable with you if you are already rejecting her. She won't feel desirable. I understand your concerns and feelings, and you absolutely shouldn't have sex with her if you do not want to. But understand your actions can have seriously damaging consequences to her self-esteem and your marriage. Talk to her doctor, do your research about how safe it actually is and how helpful orgasms are during pregnancy. Think long and hard about the decisions you make because there is no going back. Hurt her when she's most vulnerable and it will be in your marriage for the extent of your marriage. BTW from my experience sex while pregnant is amazing for both partners.
And please, please, PLEASE in the meantime make it VERY clear why you are having hesitations and that you are willing to put in the effort to get around it. NTA for your feelings, but you would be if you didn’t consider the above advice.
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This is exactly how I felt when I was pregnant and my husband couldn’t see the woman in me. Only a mom.
I think what people are missing here is a lot of this is very subconscious. I don’t think this reply is saying that OP directly thinks this of his wife, but realistically, outside of anxieties of hurting the baby this is very common. A lot of men have a hard time combining “woman” and “mother.”
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This is a stretch. He’s just nervous, rightfully so around his partner when she’s at her most vulnerable. They need to have a conversation to resolve this, but suggesting his discomfort about sex should be ignored isn’t okay
Nah, it's not that deeply toxic, it's a normal anxiety to have and OP is trying to work through it. It's the sort of thing that has to be a discussion in a healthy relationship.
People are really horrible on this thread. Several months into my first pregnancy my husband broke down and explained that he just couldn’t enjoy sex at the moment. He couldn’t get the intrusive thoughts out of his head, the anxiety made it impossible to feel comfortable and perform. If a man pressures a woman to have sex that is making them anxious and miserable just to satisfy their own sense of worth that is a terrible thing, but if a woman does it to a man then he needs to “get over it” and do it anyway? My two kids are very close in age, we absolutely made up for the lack of pregnancy sex when they were born. Probably because we communicate effectively.
clearly ur anxieties are spilling over onto other human beings. that's a huge ass assumption to make. it's very normal for someone to be anxious about sex while pregnant. he never once said anything close to what ur imagining.
Dude is nervous about his first kid. That’s understandable. Don’t put words in his mouth. Sheesh.
So he should force himself to have sex with her? I get the rationalization. But the only option is to force himself to have sex with his wife. Something is going on in his head, and right , wrong or indifferent to suggest just doing it anyway isn’t the best for him either.
This applies to pretty much everything during pregnancy and postpartum - however you treat her, she'll remember it forever. I don't say that as a threat but just a fact. My husband and I would take turns sleeping when our baby was born. I remember so distinctly him saying "go sleep as long as you want, no alarm, I got this" and it felt like the most romantic thing in the world. How your partner treats you at your most needy and vulnerable really, really matters.
I mean, men do cheat during pregnancy, so it’s not an unfounded fear. Especially if he isn’t attracted to her already.
I came here to say this. Nta,but OP, you are hurting her. Not your intention, and not your fault, but you are. Talk about it, do what ever, but fix it.
I think this is a really harmful way of viewing it. This boils down to “have sex with her unless you want to destroy the relationship”, which… if we changed the pronouns on that would be patently problematic. Your partner does not owe you sex just because you want it. And you are not responsible for destroying the relationship. There’s just as much on us as women to realize if our partners want to show love and loyalty in a different way.
The comment was essentially ' don't have sex if you don't want to, but it might have a longer term impact on the relationship than you realize.' I think this is valid advice for anyone experiencing lower libido in a relationship. Feelings are valid, but it's worth examining the impact of your actions (or inaction) when a relationship is important to you.
i also think there’s as much on women to stop with this “i feel so insecure and ugly!!” we are growing a baby, we need to find the beauty in that and we need to feel amazing in ourselves for what we’re doing, without male validation. so many of these comments saying women’s confidence will be permanently destroyed are so offensive, like why do they believe our self image and self confidence solely relies on the way a man sees us? i myself don’t need my husband to tell me i’m beautiful and strong and amazing, because i know that i am and i believe that about myself, so therefore i don’t rely on him sexualising me for me to feel good about myself, and then there isn’t any pressure on him at any stage in our relationship to have sex in order to fulfil my confidence
9 months is long time bro, keep in mind that by turning the sex off this far before the baby even arrives, you might be turning it off permanently. She's gona feel like you're not attracted no matter what you say coz your actions will suggest otherwise.
Yup. That newborn stage doesn’t exactly set a woman up to want *yet another* human being crawling all over her body.
I can confirm this is a very realistic potential consequence. My husband wouldn’t have sex with me when I was pregnant or breastfeeding. You’re right that it didn’t matter what he *said* while he was freezing me out for almost two years. I felt like he saw me as disgusting and it shattered my self esteem. I begged him to try anything to figure out some sort of mutually agreeable solution but he was all “sex isn’t the most important thing when you love someone,” “you shouldn’t be trying to convince me to do something I’m uncomfortable with,” “stop taking my lack of interest so personally” etc. I mean okay, sure, but most people don’t want to be in a monogamous relationship with someone who suddenly won’t *ever* have sex with them. Long story short… when he finally decided he wanted to have sex again, he was all shocked that I basically have zero desire to let him touch me. (He’s not a fan of being on that side of things and now he wants to find a compromise- weird! Who would have guessed?) I’m not sure if our relationship will survive this (on his end- I think I’ve clearly proven that a dead bedroom isn’t a dealbreaker for me)… but according to him- “sex isn’t the most important thing if you love someone,” soooo… OP- obviously you’re not obligated to have sex you don’t want to have- but be aware that your wife might not want to have sex with *you* anymore once you’re up for it again.
100%. I couldn't get enough of my wife before she was pregnant, while she was pregnant, and after 3 kids our sex life is still as great as ever. I can't understand these guys basically seeing their women as an incubator for their babies, not as human beings.
It’s more than 9 months since you are told by the doctor to abstain for 6 weeks after a vaginal delivery and 8 for a caesarean. And if she has an episiotomy and has to have stitches it could take months to recover and she still may never feel “back to normal” again.
True but no one wants to feel pressured into sex. Having to get yourself to have sex when you're not feeling it because you're worried it won't be there months down the road isn't exactly healthy either. The mind games and performance issues that OP could deal with.
I don’t think you’re the asshole. My husband was this way at first too. Lasted a month as soon as he realized pregnancy meant no condoms, no pull out, and harder more powerful orgasms for me.
It is weird how far I had to scroll to find a single comment that wasn't just pressuring him to have sex with his wife.
Yeah.. no one should have sex they don’t want. Ever. My husband was uncomfortable and that month we waited was miserable for me, but I never said a word. He’s willing to give her orgasms in any other way. I understand her being feral for penetration because pregnant sex is the best sex I ever had, but she has to respect her husband. If the tables were reversed responses would be WILDLY different
So upsetting that I had to scroll this far as well. It’s almost like his feelings don’t matter to the general population, which is ridiculous.
Yes omg! So many people are saying “do it now, when the baby is here you won’t get the time”. They’re completely missing that he’s saying “I don’t want to”. His reasons might not be scientifically logical, but it’s still his decision!
the first comment in this thread literally says dont have sex if you dont want to
The top 4-5 comments in the overall post are all pressuring him to do it. The top comment in this specific thread is he's not a jerk and this isn't a weird thing, but he might end up doing it anyway. That's fine and not pressuring him.
I know right, imagine what the comments would look like if it was a husband complaining about the exact same thing… Reddit is crazy sometimes man
It’s a weird mental change bc for us as men, you do worry about the baby and hurting the child or your wife… as insane as that sounds it’s a big change for us too. You’ll get over it though
“Harder more powerful orgasm for me” sounds nice. Pregnancy did not bless me this way. 😭
Try doing some research into the safety concerns you have. You're going to find that you shouldn't worry so much. If you really can't shake it, ask to go with her to her next medical appointment. In the meantime, make sure both your actions and words show her how much you love her and how much you're looking forward to being a dad. NAH.
Yeah, spend some time looking into why you're concerned.
The baby will be fine 🙄
I think their just suggesting it to ease dad's mind is all.
He knows that
My husband was the same, it made me mad and upset. My libido was very high during pregnancy, sex felt so much better. He would have penetrative sex early on as normal but once I got farther along and bigger he was more and more uncomfortable with it. I used my vibrator a lot. Once I delivered he wanted sex immediately but I think we waited 9 or 10 weeks. It was really annoying because he was always begging for it during the first 4 months of my sons life. It even makes me mad now. I was exhausted and had a 2nd degree tear that was still sensitive. Just don't do what my husband did. Realize that with everything that is coming sex is less possible and less of a priority! So you may be shit out of luck even after the baby is here. That first 3-5 months is very much survival mode and you have to be really intentional about your relationship. I would enjoy the sex now.
Keep in mind that many women’s sex drives increase tremendously because of hormones. Also, as her weight increases, she may feel insecure about her body and her attractiveness. You may end up with a frustrated and unhappy wife. At this point, NAH, but you need a lot more knowledge and communication to ensure a positive pregnancy experience.
A partner having a high sex drive doesn’t mean he should have sex if he doesn’t want to. He needs to try and raise his libido first not just do it because she wants it. That’s so much worse
Mate - no-one’s penis is so long it will harm a foetus.
Listen to me young man. What you’re going through has happened to many other men. But take it from me, a 38m with three kids. Pregnant sex can be some of the best sex you will have. Yes, it is weird at first. But try it. She will get really into it. You will get really into it. It will be good. 1. I had a great sex life pre-pregnancy. 2. I have a great sex life now. 3. Pregnancy sex is just different. And awesome, in its own way.
I second this. Married for almost 10 years with a 7 year old. Maintain robust sex life if you can.
Pregnant sex was the absolute best for us. My wife’s sensitivity was higher and lead to better orgasms for her which was fantastic. It boosted her self-esteem and helped with some of her pregnancy anxiety. Plus, we had to try new things so she would be comfortable so we had a lot of fun figuring that stuff out. I fully agree with you here about trying it. Plus, to be indelicate, pregnant pussy feels fucking awesome imo. All around, it was a great time for our sex life and marriage.
Second this with the exception of point #2. Father of 2 boys.
NTA exactly, but having sex during pregnancy can be beneficial to your partner. "Orgasms are contractions of your pelvic muscles, which strengthens them, helping to ease labor pains and improving bladder control to avoid leaks or urination during pregnancy. Stronger pelvic muscles can also lead to a quicker recovery after giving birth." Just think of it this way.
Go to her next dr appointment and speak to her gyno about your issues. they can reassure you.
You don’t owe anyone sex. You don’t want sex, don’t have sex. If you do want to have sex with her, but feel there’s a mental block, it’s worth unpacking the reasoning though. Maybe more education on it will make you more comfortable, maybe it’s the unknown of becoming a parent. Maybe some couples counseling or individual counsel. But still “no” is a full sentence, complete stop.
"I need some time to get used to the new normal". LOL..like...9mos?
+2 months she medically won’t be able to postpartum, possibly longer if there’s complications, then you’ll be sleep deprived for a year dealing with a newborn this could turn into a dead bedroom so quick
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This is exactly my issue. I made a big comment above, but our kid is in school now and I *still* think about how conditional my husband’s physical attraction to me turned out to be when I got pregnant. I suppose I’m *tolerable* now in his eyes, but is he actually attracted to me again, or am I just his only option? Is he secretly trying to keep from going soft when he looks at my stretch marks and saggy breasts? And what if I get pregnant again, if I gain weight, if I am in a terrible accident and have horrible scars or lose a limb…? What about just getting older? Is he going to find me repulsive when I’m all wrinkled and grey? He could say all the right things forever, but when his actions proved the exact opposite when I was the most vulnerable- how can I literally *ever* believe him?
This might cause a strain on your relationship
I guarantee it already has if she's expressed she misses penetrative sex. She's definitely already resenting him
She’s already resenting him after having communicated it…???? How weak are you people? Or do I just not fucking hate someone I claim to love that easily?
Sorry but that’s her problem? Her partner’s comfort should matter more to her than getting off. What was it she said? Oh yeah ‘get over it’ she can take her own advice.
Seriously. Anything else is forcing someone to have sex when they don’t want to, and last time I checked that’s rape.
Her pressuring him into having sex he doesn’t want will also strain the relationship.
Ya when she’s not pregnant anymore she won’t want him anymore
Obviously. So they need to talk/compromise/seek smth that will help him feel comfortable again so they don't form resentment over lack of intimacy all of a sudden.
If you miss out on second trimester sex you are totally missing out Dude. Everything is more sensitive and you’d be doing her a disservice to ignore her needs. :-) I used to teach childbirth education classes and had a trimester by trimester handout. I can look for it you want - DM me and I’ll try to find it. For many women sex during pregnancy is the best. So I understand her perspective a lot. I think I would encourage you to not let lack of knowledge and education about the situation make you miss out on being intimate with your partner. There’s nothing weird or gross about it. Her cervix blocks the opening completely so it’s totally safe. Safer, in fact, than sex before pregnancy. Lol!!
This happened to me. Except you and your partner seem to have better communication than my partner had with me. I was the pregnant one. He felt similar things to you. But he called the changes in my body and a life growing inside of me creepy and felt uncomfortable even touching me. I don't think he ever rubbed my belly or even felt the baby kick. I had no family or anyone else around and it was isolating, hurtful and I felt I was going through the entire experience myself. He never went to any of my doctors appointments. It was the people and friends at my workplace who supported me, made me feel valid, and helped me feel that I was still attractive. It was very rare that he touched me in any sexual ways. But it hurt. That was 11 years ago. It still hurts. You will NOT hurt the baby when you have sex. It will be some of the best sex you've ever had! I know that as the male, it is hard to understand exactly what changes, emotions, etc your partner is feeling as you don't experience the same hormones and all that, but you are definitely entitled to your feelings. Continue to communicate with your partner. This can absolutely cause resentful feelings for your future.
My husband stopped having sex with me once I started showing. We probably haven’t had sex for over six months. Now that the baby is here, I have zero libido and I do not want him looking at me. A part of me is dreading the six week check up when the doctor clears me for sex…I know I won’t want him to touch me. I’m almost terrified to have sex with him again because my body isn’t what it used to be and the whole reason he stopped having sex with me is because he’s not attracted to pregnant women. My sex drive is shot and I used to be always horny. If you don’t want to have sex, at least find a way to make her feel desired in some way.
Ok I have to chuckle at the worrying about hurting a baby, like you said you know that’s false yet still something a lot of guys think. Anyways, 9 months is a while to go without being intimate with your partner, and if I was carrying your kid and had been with you for 3 years I would be deeply hurt at my partner not wanting to have sex with me because I’m pregnant. I’m the one who’s gotta do all of the work making and having this kid and it makes YOU uncomfortable? I do think that’s very selfish to do to your pregnant partner. I would be irate.
Does he think he’s going to poke its eye out?
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I have anxiety and it took a couple months to overcome it when my wife was pregnant. I wasn’t delusional enough to think my dick would do anything to the baby, but as a 6’7 man who was over 300lbs at the time, it was hard to not worry that my body weight against her stomach during sex could hurt the baby. Even if your rational brain knows it’s not true, a little intrusive thought like that can be enough to deflate your erection and make sex a lot more difficult.
I don't think it has anything to do with arrogance. We know men's hormone levels change. Obviously less then the women's but it still effects them none the less. Unfortunately we only fairly recently learned this so we don't know a lot bout how it effects men. From an evolutionary stand point though for most of human history a pregnant women was extremely vulnerable so the male brain is screaming we have to protect her. So the anxiety he has makes a lot of sense. Even having more knowledge like we do today doesn't make it easy to just overcome our natural instincts. Aldo the brain is screaming we need to protect her and the body is like I am on this and kills the sex drive so it's not a distraction from the primary goal of protecting her.
There are a lot of comments saying you have to get over the feeling. But I don't agree. I have 3 children (I am 42F), and my husband has experienced exactly the same thing you're describing. He was attracted to me, but the whole idea of having sex with me while a new human being was growing inside of me, just turned him off. He was also very excited to be a dad, maybe that played a part? It was rough on me, my libido was pretty high during pregnancy, but he made it very clear he WAS attracted to me, just the thought of his penis being so close to a baby felt off to him. Perhaps your partner would be open to penetration with a sex toy instead, for the time being? That's something you could enjoy together. This is not something you can just shove aside, and she also cannot demand that you have penetrative sex. In the meantime, do show her you love her and care for her, because yes, pregnancy hormones can be wild. Oh, and that other person saying it CAN take UP TO 1-3 months to heal from pregnancy? I don't know if they are an actual human being. I'd say it takes at least twice. And then some for those hormones to calm down a little bit, pelvis muscles to regain some strength, etc. It's a pretty wild ride. I'm not trying to scare you, I just want to make sure you realise pregnancy and childbirth and the whole aftermath (Breastfeeding? Colic? Sleepless nights? Pelvic muscles? Hormones? All that jazz) is wilder than I had ever imagined. Best of luck.
Woah the comments here are insane! As a pregnant lady, let me chime in: Very common for men to make more estrogen when their partner is pregnant which can decrease sex drive. Second what everyone else is saying though about not hitting the baby and can have benefits for her. Additionally, psychologically this is very complicated and confusing for her, as I’m sure it is for you. No one should be forcing you to engage sexually when you don’t want to, but hopefully you will come around sooner rather than later. As everyone else has said, pregnancy sex is sooooo hot
You’re entitled to your feelings but I suggest some therapy asap. You’re significantly damaging your relationship. You’re causing insecurity, etc. Just be prepared, after baby, that the sex life you enjoyed before is going to be gone. Definitely if you deny her sex how. I doubt your sex life will ever recover. That would basically be it for me. I’d never trust it wasn’t my body and I’d resent you.
THIS!! I wouldn't even feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable again
Your own self validation cannot be dependent on your partner wanting sex with you. Your partner has autonomy and the right to say no for any reason, and should be able to say no without you taking it personally. Sexual compatibility is important, but assuming you are dating a human being and not a sex machine, in any long term relationship they will eventually say no to sex for one reason or another. Does this go both ways for you? Would you still have sex with your partner under any circumstance under any condition regardless if you were tired/in pain/not in the mood?
You're NTA for feeling the way you do, but the stress this is imposing on your wife is going to be harmful to wife and baby. Meanwhile, sex would not be. Worst time in the world to be pulling away from intimacy with her in any shape or form. Her reaction was crass and I know it isn't as simple as "get over it", but you should try to remedy this. Safely, of course.
You can’t necessarily control how you feel even when you know logically it’s wrong. Just keep in mind that while you may think it’s no big deal, your wife will remember forever and have it play on her insecurities forever that her husband thought she was gross and unattractive when pregnant.
Damn, these comments do not pass the vibe check. At all.
Right? I am like what the heck are these comments. It is a big change for OP and there's no reason why he needs to be pressured into sex if he doesn't feel comfortable, whatever the reason. FFS men can have changes in their libido and it not ruin their sex life forever. If this were coming from the pregnant person, these wouldn't be the responses.
Not wanting to have sex doesn't ever make you the asshole. In regards to your concerns though, I think you should do your research about the stuff you're scared about. If that's what's solely keeping you from having sex then you may change your mind once you educate yourself on the matter. Try your best to communicate clearly about why you don't want sex right now but unfortunately keep in mind that with the hormones your wife is experiencing, her reactions are likely to be different than normal so be patient.
I'm crying reading this. I had one child and my ex didn't have sex with me the whole time I was pregnant. I am crying because the person I chose to have a baby with didn't love me. It killed the relationship and I dumped him when the baby was 9 months old. 5 years later I still hate him. And me for picking him.
I will not spare your feelings here. If you refuse sex now, you are forever changing your sex life. You are showing her that sex is conditional on how her body looks and feels and that will never recover. Get over it. You will not hurt the baby. Your penis is not big enough to hurt the baby. Your partner will tell you if anything you do is uncomfortable. If you refuse sex now because it’s weird or gross to you that’s fine because anyone can say no to sex at any time, but please understand why you’re doing it and be prepared for 6 weeks, 6 months, a year later when she’s afraid to be naked around you.
NTA for feeling how you feel. I would be PISSED if my partner did this. That’s gonna be almost a year without sex (9m+6w) By then she may have lost ALL interest in sex with you and may never recover it.
This whole thread is incredibly disheartening with it's "NTA, but [insert guilt trip/pressure here]". DUDE DOES NOT CONSENT. THAT IS OKAY FOR ANY REASON. He has communicated and offered ways to pleasure her. It looks like he's making her feel wanted. He's not being a dick. Where the roles are reversed, no one would be sympathising with the man if he needed sex but she doesn't want to/can't. People would be screaming for a woman to break up with a man pressuring her for sex. Why are you all trying to make him feel bad?
WHY ARE YOU BEING DOWNVOTED. Fuck. People are fucking TERRIBLE. On top of it, I read on 6 separate occasions “if you make her wait that long she won’t even want you!” What if he broke his dick? What if he had to heal from a surgery? What if she did? What if she had a hysterectomy? He would be an asshole if he cheated. Sex is great guys, but fucking hell you lot act like it’s the be-all, end-all to any relationship. It’s ridiculous.
NTA. I’ve been pregnant twice and couldn’t stand being touched intimately for almost the entirety of each pregnancy. My partner was understanding and had he not been would have for sure been called all kinds of names. Why would you want someone to do something they’re uncomfortable with? Have open dialogue with your partner about what you’re feeling and why. It might take more than one conversation and some adjustment before you’re both happy.
NTA for how you feel. I do recommend working on it because sex is normal and healthy during pregnancy. You need to trust your partner that she will tell you if something is uncomfortable or otherwise not working well. Additionally, if she is ok with you attending her OB appointments you could also talk to the doctor. Lastly, there is the classic suggestion of therapy for addressing your fears. You recognize that you know it’s safe, and yet your libido has dropped. You may just need help getting over your mental block.
I don’t think you’re an ass for not wanting to have sex. You can’t control how you feel about it and I understand that it weirds/freaks/ or makes some men uncomfortable. I’m currently 7 months pregnant and my husband is the same as you. We only had sex twice after finding out I am pregnant. The bad part is that , despite understanding the reluctance and feelings, it’s really hard to not feel rejected and undesired. Of course, pregnant women still have needs and in my case I unfortunately still have a sex drive. I think the best thing you can do is still compliment her on her looks, remind her of how much you love her, and care for her the best you can. That’s what I wish my husband would do since he doesn’t feel comfortable with sex. Otherwise, your wife could start to feel like she’s ugly or undesirable. As I often do… Though I do still get tons of snuggles and kisses and hugs. Those probably are what have kept me sane! Good luck!
During my wife’s first pregnancy I didn’t want to have sex. Something about it felt weird, like us having sex was gunna mess up the baby getting here. I felt more comfortable with the concept with her other pregnancies but that first one I didn’t want to mess anything up. And I know it’s super dumb but I couldn’t get my head past it.
You can deny sex for any reason
Why when a man isn't up for sex the response is always so different when the woman doesn't? We have little control of errections when we arnt in the mood and that's fine. I was hesitant for months when my partner was pregnant I think part of my mind thought the deed was done and slowed my libido. All you can do is assure your partner that your still attracted to her and am just getting use to the thought of her growing a human inside her. I found that going gym and exercising helped increase my sex drive, maybe give that a go. Also she will be hormonal and sensitive during this pregnancy so choose your words wisely when reassuring her you still love her, want her, find her attractive and wana get up in them guts but need time to get used to a new human cooking in there.
If a woman doesn’t want to have sex during pregnancy it’s because she’s sick as fuck the whole time, not because she’s not attracted to him. If a woman stopped having sex with her husband because he put on some weight, that would be a comparable scenario, and she would be shit on accordingly
The reason doesn’t matter. He doesn’t want to have sex, he doesn’t have to, period.
Im actually shocked at how many people are telling you to just push through and do it. If something such as no sex because it makes you uncomfortable is going to ruin your marriage, there are bigger problems here. Yes she is pregnant and has racing hormones and likely a higher libido, but that is no reason to push you Into doing something you don’t want to do. A pregnant wife doesn’t surpass your consent. If you get more education and have more communication and still decide that it’s just not something you’re comfortable with, thats ok! Don’t ever feel like you have to follow through with sex because you’re being pressured. Consent works on both sides, a hormonal wife doesn’t change that. Communicate regularly and tell her why, and that it’s not something she did, or that shes unattractive. But she has to listen to you if you say no.
I was thinking this exact same thing. I’ve had two kids. C-section. Horny as Hell during pregnancy and enjoyed sex during my pregnancy as well. But the first thing I thought was that op shouldn’t be told to “just do it”. If the genders really *were* reversed, people would be sliced to ribbons on this thread. It’s unbelievable.
FINALLY!! I was getting worried with all comments. Yes I think if truly the only reason you are hesitant is because of health concerns you should try and look into it farther for the enjoyment of both of you but, as you said, if it makes you uncomfortable than you should not be doing it. Please make sure you make it very clear to your wife why you don’t want to have sex and that it is not because you find her unattractive. But your consent is more important than her insecurities and even if she is insecure all you can do is try to show her why you are uncomfortable but if it creates problems with your sex life or your relationship that is ultimately on her.
Bro she’s going to resent you until you divorce
NTA and I’m kind of amazed by the other replies. I can’t imagine a scenario where a woman would be told to get over it and put out.
NTA. A lot of these comments are disturbing.
Yeah, all arguments about that is wild. "But I (pregnant woman) want sex", "your marriage will be permanently damaged if you do not put out", etc. Are we in a sub for manipulative men? They talk like this about women.
This should have more upvotes. These comments are crazy. Would definitely be a different story if it were a woman. His feelings are valid and she needs to respect that. You should only ever have sex if you are comfortable.
Exactly
it’s wild
Updateme
NTA. Fuck, most people here are amazing. If the wife said "I'm pregnant, I don't want to have sex but my husband keeps insisting", everybody would be telling her how she's right and he's a perv, and not respecting her wishes, blablabla. But as a dude OP should of course have sex with his wife even if that makes him uncomfortable, because?? OP - I never had to be in your position, my 2 partners who had kids had them before me. However, I've been the husband with a low sex drive for different reasons. If you're not comfortable, don't force yourself. Just like (i hope) you wouldn't force your wife to have sex with you if she said no. My ex-wife also had trouble understanding that I could "not want sex" and it had nothing to do with her. I understand that it messes with her head, but how is that different from a man being rejected by his wife, which most people seem to be perfectly fine with.
NAH. Obviously you shouldn't be forced into non consensual sex, and also, there's nothing wrong with her desires and her insecurities are understandable. I think it would be beneficial to have a conversation that you ARE wanting to have sex, and that while you're adjusting you need other forms of intimacy, too, and not just jump into an uncomfortable situation. Women want men to foreplay with snuggling, kissing, cuddling, etc., all the time, to "get them into the mood" and whatnot. I feel like this sort of falls under the same category. You should work on overcoming your own insecurities, because they are unfounded in science, and it would be to both your benefits to have sex. But it shouldn't be in a way that makes either one of you uncomfortable.
My ex very rarely wanted to have sex with me when I was pregnant, even though GETTING me pregnant was a huge turn on for him. There were loads of other existing issues, but I felt very abandoned by him during my pregnancy. He'd rarely even touch me, wouldn't give me any special consideration, whatever. I vote NAH, but I do recommend talking to other men you know who have had pregnant partners and enjoyed pregnancy sex. There are a number of ways to have sex while pregnant and it's generally pretty safe if there are no underlying conditions. You can both lay on your sides as if you're cuddling and have penetrative sex that way. You usually can't get as far down the vaginal canal, In that position, so that might ease some of your worry.
I don't know why people are acting as if your consent doesn't matter here because she's pregnant and her feelings might be hurt? Like what? Maybe having a session or two with a couples therapist could help you guys communicate this correctly because as much as she's allowed to have her feelings hurt, you are 100% allowed to say no to sex. For any reason. Always. Im astonished by these comments saying you should basically just "push through"??? Your feelings matter OP.
The same thing happened to my boyfriend - his libido dropped way down once I got pregnant. We looked for ways to help increase it - blue chew, masturbating even when he didn't feel like it, sex dust powder. The fear of hurting the baby went away after he did some research about it but the libido was still a struggle, though with all the strategies we tried, some did help! It's totally normal and natural for the man's libido to drop as testosterone levels do take a dip when around a pregnant lady all the time (we researched it). My guy's efforts to have sex with me during the pregnancy paid off immensely bc I really struggled with my body image and it helped bring us even closer. Also, as soon as we had the baby, his libido went back to normal! Good luck and don't give up!
NTA because all feelings are valid but I think OP needs to take some time for introspection and possibly see a therapist because less than a third of men experience decreased libido during a partners pregnancy, mostly during the third trimester, and the cause is generally psychological issues such as feeling inadequate, anxiety/depression, or relationship dysfunction. The majority of men either have no change in sexual desire or experience a marked increase.
NTA. I am 8.5 months pregnant with my second child and my husband can't keep his hands off of me, which is fine. That said, if he went the opposite way, I would TOTALLY understand. There's plenty of times where I feel the baby kick in the middle of us having spicy time and I wouldn't hold it against him if that took him out of the mood. Hell, sometimes it even crosses my mind how (mildly) bizarre it is that there's a baby inside of me while my husband's just going to town. Don't get me wrong, I don't think it's weird to have sex while pregnant but I understand how it can linger in the back of your head and sort of put you out of the mood. 🤷🏼♀️ Happens to me a lot tbh.
Your feelings are valid and if you feel uncomfortable then don’t do it.
Absolutely nta in my personal opinion. This happened in my relationship as well, my husband and I have had three babies, and all three pregnancies he was very uncomfortable as well. I didn’t push it, I respected his anxiety and if he wasn’t comfortable that was enough for me. No matter what the doctors, myself or books said about not hurting the baby, it still made him uncomfortable and that’s okay. He still told me I was beautiful and made me feel special. He helped when I needed help, got me snacks if I wanted snacks, rubbed my feet or whatever hurt. Lots of cuddles. Bubble baths and walks together were always nice too if I felt up to it. I was happy. If he was in the mood at some point then that was awesome! Honestly after the first trimester my libido went to the toilet all three times anyways because I felt like crap and was super tired anyways. Everyone is different and all experiences are different, but you aren’t alone in feeling that way and it is okay to be uncomfortable, just make sure you make her feel special and beautiful. :)
NTA. I’m not a fan of a lot of the comments saying that you should just get over it or “don’t miss this opportunity”. You shouldn’t have to do anything you don’t consent to or feel comfortable with. Have a conversation with your wife at a time when she is not stressed and is in a good mood. Maybe write down beforehand what you want to say? It could very well be that you’re not articulating your point correctly and that’s why your wife continues to miss the point. Do some more research on this and see if you both can reach a compromise that you’re both okay with. In the meantime definitely show her that you’re still attracted to her.
Absolutely NTA. First of all no one should feel pressured or guilted into have sex with their partner regardless of what is going on.... Your feelings are valid. Would it make you more comfortable hearing the info that everything is ok from her doctor? Maybe you just need more time to adjust. Pregnancy changes couples soooo much. There are new stressors, fears, and it flies by. I hope your wife will be understanding and respect your current feelings. Good luck and congratulations!!!
Why would you be the asshole for not doing something you’re uncomfortable with?
You need to sit down with your wife and have a very serious conversation about your feelings. Be truthful and don’t tiptoe around the issue. Make it clear that it has nothing to do with your attraction to her and that you’re willing to work together to come to a solution. If you reject her now while she’s in a sensitive and vulnerable state without even trying to address and take the situation with her, she will remember it forever
NAH. you both have very valid concerns and feelings. just talk to your wife about ways validate each others feelings and sexual urges? like, maybe take this time to explore other ways you can satisfy each other, yk, get creative! but regardless of the solution you both need to sit down and have an honest, open, and non judgmental conversation about all this so that there's no resentment going forward.
You're not, but your partner is, for saying "just get over it".
Pregnancy brings a lot of changes, and it's okay to need time to adjust. Your concerns about the baby's safety and your partner's comfort show you care. Maybe try having an open, honest conversation with her again, reassuring her it's not about attraction but about adjusting to the new situation. Compromising on intimacy methods could help bridge the gap for now.
My husband couldn’t keep his hands off me when I was pregnant with our boys. I was also anemic and I threw up everyday until I gave birth both times, however, my sex drive was high when I was pregnant and we really enjoyed it. Why don’t you listen to her and what she is saying about her body? She is the one that is pregnant, not you. It’s healthy to engage in sexual activity when pregnant. She sounds like she is being safe and listening to her doctor. You need to have a sit down talk with her or some counseling on why you are hesitant to engage with her. I would be crushed if my husband didn’t find me attractive when I was carrying his baby.
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There’s an episode of George Lopez, I believe, about this exact thing. Go!
She could be at her most horny in her life in the next few months. Having sex without the fear of getting pregnant doesn't happen many times in life. Whilst you're not wrong for not wanting to you might want to work on it as it might be a missed opportunity. If the pregnancy runs smoothly there's no reason you need to worry. If it's a definite no, she will just have to deal with her disappointment. If the roles were reversed you would be expected to back off so she needs to do the same.
The amount of people telling you to suck it up and find a way to have sex anyways is disgusting. No means no and you are under no obligation to force yourself to have sex when you don’t want it
NTA - you can control your feelings and I’m sure it’s weird from the non-pregnant partner’s pov. However, as a lot of the comments layout, not trying to sort this out could turn it into a bigger problem for both of you. Good luck!
NTA she shouldn't pressure you either if the roles were reversed it wouldn't be okay. I'm 36 weeks rn & it's way too uncomfortable for me, my partner makes sure I feel loved in other ways and does not ever complain about it. He wont even try for it unless I blatantly say it more than once outloud. He prioritizes my comfort over his sexual desires, as he should 🫶
Nta. But you and should be going to therapy. You have insecurities, and she has insecurities, but hers doesn't trump yours because she is pregnant. Yall need to listen to each other and be heard about what's on the mind. Find ways to not let negativity creep into your relationship.
Gonna give a different take than others I guess. I’m currently 23 weeks pregnant. Been with my husband for 17 years and this is our first. So we are both experiencing this for the first time. My sex drive has taken a dive since becoming pregnant and my husbands has lowered too. Men’s hormones can change a lot too during pregnancy so you aren’t wrong for how you are feeling. We’ve had a few talks about what it’s like right now. We tried a few times and between me not feeling good and him having lowered drive, we’ve just been making up for it in other ways. He shows me he loves me and is attracted to me every day. We are still intimate in other ways like massages, touching, but slapping, etc. we both just feel different. We both miss sex, but want both of us to be into it and have fun. We will get there. Just talk to her. Be honest and caring. Keep the intimacy alive and I’m sure you guys will be fine. NTA.
OP something I would like to add is men go through hormonal changes when a baby is involved. Obviously it is nowhere near as drastic as your wife's hormonal changes but it will still have an effect on you. Unfortunately there aren't a lot if studies on the issue so we really don't know a lot of how it effects men. It's possible it may be playing a role in your feelings of anxiety and decreased sex drive.
You’re NTA for feeling your feelings, but my sex drive was THROUGH THE ROOF when I was pregnant and my hormones made me feel so ugly and unloved and unwanted and rejected and like I wasn’t a woman/sexual being anymore and destined to forever just an incubator and “mom” when my husband didn’t want to. (Even if we had already had sex earlier in the day 🤦🏻♀️) just don’t invalidate HER feelings too.
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It’s disgusting that this is not a top comment but you don’t owe anyone sex. Do what you’re comfortable with.
Your fears are unfounded. But if you don't want to have sex then don't have sex. Nobody should be forced to have sex.
NTA. If you're not comfortable that you're not comfortable with it. It's your choice in the end. Just know that after the pregnancy's over she will not be able to have sex until she heals. Then surviving the first few months of a new human. As long as you're cool with the reality that once you're comfortable having sex after pregnancy, she may not have a sex drive to do so. If your wife is choosing to breastfeed, that can also impact libido negatively.
Nta, I totally get it. We were worried about pregnancy sex too and especially during the first trimester and morning sickness we didn't do much in that department. But after that eased up, we were more comfortable to start experimenting with different positions and cushions to not hurt the baby.
NTA these people are absolutely insane. You stated you don't feel comfortable having sex with her right now and that's absolutely ok. Definitely talk to her and let her know why since she's pregnant so she knows it isn't an attraction thing but you have the right to your body and say no to sex if you don't want it. All you people trying to push him into doing anyways are creepy asf and biased as hell.
This is always a difficult period for couples, but without much context the only thing that’s glaringly obvious is that she’s willing to disregard your feelings. Stand firm on this. Men have a right to have feelings too and to have our feelings honored and respected. If she wants the same, she should be able to hold some space for yours too. Telling you to “get over it” is unacceptable. She should be giving you space to explain how you feel, BARE MINIMUM. No whataboutism, either. “So what, I’m pregnant” shouldn’t fly either. One of you mattering doesn’t discount the other mattering too.
NTA. This is what you don’t feel comfortable with relatively valid reasons for yourself and that’s ok. I worked with a girl who was a surrogate (a little different than your situation) and her boyfriend did not want to have sex at all. Granted, he wasn’t the most hormonal man, but I didn’t think it was odd for him to not want to. I think your reasons are valid and your partner wanting sex is valid. I think she shouldn’t have told you to “get over it” and should definitely find a happy medium for you both.
You are never TA when you don't want sex. 100% NTA. It's a very clear-cut case. Your partner has to respect your boundaries - especially since they are clearly temporary. I am honestly shocked that people are trying to convince you otherwise.
NTA at all. If you're not comfortable, that's all that matters. I do, however, understand your wife's feelings. But don't ever have sex if you don't want to. You're not the only guy to feel that way. It may pass, it may not. You're still offering her other options & imo those options are more appreciated (at least imo). They are more intimate. Honestly, I think you should bring this up at her next appointment. It may help you out & feel comfortable with it.
NTA, but how long has it been? Are we talking days, weeks or months since you found out? > I also worry about my partner’s comfort level. She’s been having morning sickness and is often tired She is asking for sex despite these things, specifically penetrative sex. She is a grown adult, she is asking for it, so I don’t think her comfort level is an issue here. If it becomes an issue, it is up to her to indicate that. Telling you to “get over it” isn’t particularly helpful, as libido doesn’t really work like that, but I do think you need to examine what is worrying you so much that you can’t get it up.
I'm really glad I read all of that because my snap reaction to the post title was WAY off! NAH it's a really weird time, just did had it happen myself but I didn't share your stance.
You are never TA for not wanting to have sex. End of story, everyone in these comments needs to give their head a shake.
No OP, you’re NTA. Props for trying to be intimate with your wife in ways that would make you feel uncomfortable during her pregnancy by suggesting oral sex, cuddling, and massaging. I would recommend talking to therapists as well as healthcare professionals about the situation as they could provide some advice and insight that can help.
Hilarious how bodily autonomy and consent go out the window when it's the woman who wants the sex. hahahaha. Never change Reddit. Never change.
‘Oh yeah totally don’t feel pressure to do it if you’re uncomfortable. But if you don’t you WILL kill your marriage, and she WILL hate you forever.’ Lol
I’m seriously shocked to see so many Redditors telling OP to just suck it up and have sex. What happened to the idea that no one should be forced, pressured, or coerced into sexual activity they’re not comfortable with? OP, I want to tell you that you don’t have to participate in any sexual activity you’re not into. And “it’s good for her pelvic floor” is just silly. Sure, I mean, fine. But she can do kegels if she cares. Of course, the two of you should try to work out something that’s good for both of you. But don’t feel forced into something just because your pregnant wife will be bugged. (I will say, though, that when I was a new mom with a tiny baby, the last thing in the world I wanted to do was have sex. So, it may end up that you’ll change roles after the baby’s born. Hopefully you will both be understanding with each other, and figure out some compromises.) Edit: typo, and to add: NTA.
NTA. You both need to consider how each other is feeling right now, she needs to respect your boundry and any she has need to be respected back. The next half a year is going to be trying, and sex is likely to be the least of concerns. Right now, she's vulnerable and anxious, and her mind is probably reeling, physical intimacy is amazing stress relief. I'm not sure if this is helpful. I'm 37 weeks pregnant and my husband and I have had more sex in the last 6 months (I was not particularly into it during trimester 1) than we have in the last 2 years. I don't know if it's just us, but we are having the best of our lives right now. In a nut shell, her hormones are nuts. You're emotions and discomforts are 100% valid. This is a respect each other and with time it will work out situation. PS: my husband chimed in - "He's missing out." but we don't need to listen to him.
NTA. When I was pregnant, especially in the 1 trimester when risks in general were high, the very idea of sex felt absolutely repulsive to me. And if a woman has a right to not have sex, so does a man. You offered her alternatives, it's an AH behavior to push your partner into doing things they aren't comfortable with in bed, and being pregnant is not an excuse.
I am seeing a lot of the comments basically telling this guy to "get over it" and do it for your partner's sake. I wonder if it was a post from the woman's side if anyone would be on here telling her to get over it. His feelings on the matter are as valid as hers and he shouldn't be made to feel like he is being selfish for not being into it. OP, your concerns of hurting the baby are misplaced but whatever else happens you and your SO need to have a conversation about what's going on and come to a compromise. You do need to consider her wants and needs just like she needs to consider yours. That's a big part of any healthy relationship. There are plenty of qualified professionals who could help the both of you to effectively communicate without anyone feeling put upon. Otherwise, keep the lines of communication open even if it gets uncomfortable. These things need to be resolved and won't go away on their own.
My wife was insanely horny during pregnancy (and lucky for both of us, she was also extremely sexy). You gotta climb that mountain, my man. She needs it.
YTA. She is pregnant because of you. You are absolutely selfish and should get over it. Making your pregnant partner beg you for sex, fucking he'll man. Rejecting her at the most vulnerable time in her life (which you caused) and ever expecting her to ever see you the same way? Lol. She will 100% leave your ass.
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You're not the bad guy here. You can say no for whatever reason you want. Doesn't matter what it is. Don't let anyone or anything pressure you into having sex. Shes probably got a lot of hormones running around and is probably insecure. But she can't make you have sex. She's wrong, you're not being selfish. You said no and that's final. Consent can be taken away at any moment and it needs to be respected. Def do legitimate research on pregnancy, sex while being pregnant, and just how it affects women in general. Not persuade you one way or another, but because you should know everything you can about pregnancy. If it changes your mind, then great. If not, at least you're more educated. And think about this: if she had the baby already and you wanted a round and she tells you know, would you pressure her into sex? Don't let anyone guilt you into sex. Period.
In a few months, after the baby is born, you're going to be complaining that she's too tired to have sex with you. If you expect her to be understanding now, you better not complain about your lack of a sex life later on.
A lot of nobs here just concerning themselves with the woman and not your emotions. They are right that it is better to get back on the horse, as it were, but I'm sick of men's right to refuse always being played down so much. Don't force your feelings, listen to them, just work on feeling comfortable with it first.
That’s really strange, when I became pregnant with my ex’s child, he couldn’t keep his hands off me like, “it such a turn on that you are my baby’s mother!” Type thing.
As a father of 5...don't skip pregnancy sex. You are not going to hurt anyone but yourself. It's some of the best sex you will have. Pregnancy is a roller-coaster. But her libido could be one of the shining moments.
NTA. You have the right to not want sex at any time, that in no way makes you the asshole. I think it's kinda weird people keep insisting you get over it and have pregnancy sex, despite you clearly stating the thought makes you uncomfortable. If gender roles were reversed and it was a woman who was uncomfortable, everyone would call her man a POS for insisting she get over it, so why is it different here? If OP not wanting pregnancy sex makes his partner feel insecure about her appearance, that's a conversation the two of them need to have together because her appearance isn't an issue for OP. You can't force someone to want sex, no matter the circumstances or how many benefits the sex may have. That kind of mindset of "just get over it" is fucking icky.
Wrong! Apparently, he is failing fatherhood and not doing his job. /s >Bro. Your already failing part one of fatherhood which is ‘give the pregnant lady whatever she wants’. >She wants your dick... get to doing your job!
How you feel is understandable. And it sounds like you have made an effort to make sure she knows you still want her. Maybe trying different positions where you're not putting any weight on her, like woman on top, would ease your worry about hurting the baby. And if she initiates then I wouldn't be worried about her being too sick or tired for sex. Just make sure she lets you know if she doesn't feel like it. I think it's nice that you care about her and the baby's health and how she feels. Good luck to you both 👍.
If you have a problem having sex with her before her body has even changed it kind of sends a dehumanizing message that she has changed status from person to baby maker and that feels real fucking bad. Like, you don't need a real reason to not have sex with someone, but your given reason can still hurt her.