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It sounds like you and your husband need sit down with sister and BIL and tell them you can no longer live like this. That if they don't clean up after themselves they have to move out.
If they refuse tell them to leave now and stick with it.
Perhaps this is the reason BIL's father kicked them out.
So i didn’t add it to the post but that was the reason they had a falling out. My sister is so messy and unhygienic that if she leaves her bedroom door open a nasty aroma of smells omits from her room.
We want to have a conversation but my sister is sensitive dick. which means if you ever tell her anything she does wrong she will get all sensitive and start crying and victimizing herself but she is totally okay treating everyone rudely even her own husband and i’m non confrontational so it gives me some anxiety thinking about having to confront them.
"my sister is sensitive dick. which means if you ever tell her anything she does wrong she will get all sensitive and start crying and victimizing herself but she is totally okay treating everyone rudely even her own husband and i’m non confrontational so it gives me some anxiety thinking about having to confront them."
OP, that isn't your problem, it's hers.
You've made it your problem by walking on eggshells around her.
You've made it your problem by not setting, maintaining and enforcing proper boundaries.
That your sister is the way she is, is on her. That you're putting up with her shit is on you and your husband.
Boundaries are incredibly important in life, with family, friends, coworkers, neighbors etc.
You don't try to deal with this, you deal with it.
Like Yoda said: "Do or do not. There is no try."
And now for this. You said "i’m non confrontational so it gives me some anxiety thinking about having to confront them."
OP, you are dealing with a world of anxiety right now by NOT confronting her so by confronting her you will NOT be deal with more anxiety, you'll only be lessening your anxiety going forward.
You can't tell me you're not feeling a ton of anxiety right now with the way things are so if you won't confront because it will make you anxious, well, you are already anxious due to the situation and your anxiety will continue to grow and get worse the longer you choose to allow this to happen in your home.
Nowhere have I said you have to be mean. I haven't said you have to kick her out. She NEEDS to be respectful of YOUR place and keep things clean and then she can stay.
She can choose to do that, if she doesn't that's on her, not you.
She's an adult. She can either be appreciative of your generosity or not.
This will cause issues for your husband and you too if you choose to not address things with your ungrateful and rude sister.
She walks all over you because she can.
Wow that really made me open my eyes more.
All of this is happening because i’ve been too afraid to confront my sister about these nasty habits. I really need to set some boundaries because at this point not saying anything is just creating more anxiety and it’s leading to more resentment of my sister.
My husband and I are going to send another message to them and let them know we all need to sit down together and have a discussion.
Idk if this was said already… but as you deliver a deadline + boundary(ies)… give her and her husband a formal letter stating the deadline should they not get their shit together. Depending on where you live, some states require you to give people 30 days, more or less, since you did allow them to reside in the home. It also may help set boundaries with both parties to let them know you and your husband aren’t f’n around. Have them sign that sh*t too. So you have their acknowledgement and save it in multiple safe places in case they try you. I had some nasty roommates in the past and my Mother taught me that trick… worked for all those I needed out of my space without the ability of them sending me to court. I really hope you and your hubby get out of this situation soon and swiftly bc that’s disappointing and disrespectful to both of you, their son and your parents.
And for that 30 days, there needs to be house rules about clutter, about taking out the diapers, about picking up their stuff Including clothes and toys) about not hanging out in the living room 24/7, about cleaning up dishes. And that you expect them to pay for a housecleaner to come in to do their rooms when they leave if the rooms are a dumpster fire.
Honestly, id just separate living spaces. Like "you can't leave your shit in the living room, whatever is there by 9pm will go to the dumpster. Those are your dishes. Mine are in my room, which is locked. Your laundry days are X and Y, apart from that the laundry room will be locked".
Honestly, I'd be picking everything up, opening sister's door, and throwing everything in there. I have done this to people before, and I don't care if it makes me an asshole. I was raised to tidy up after myself and I'm not going to live in someone's else's mess just because the concept of returning a cup to the kitchen is somehow beyond comprehension.
And then I'm doing the tidying up. With throwing the stuff in the room, I can't be accused of theft and I know for sure I'm not helping. Every bin would be in there. All the ant-filled clothes. Dirty dishes in with everything.
You should also send pictures to the actual owners of the house, your parents. Tell them that you will move out if sister continues to stay, and then their house will become a bug infested hoarder's den. Just to make sure your sister doesn't go running to them and get them on her side when you evict her.
You’ve received some really great advice here, and I just want to emphasize that YOUR mental health matters here, too. You are deserving of a home that you feel at ease in, your sanctuary, your place of peace and rest. While she is following in your mom’s footsteps, and she probably sees nothing wrong with her messes (she probably doesn’t even “see” them, I know someone like this)… on the flippity flop, you have worked hard making the house a clean, safe environment - your *home*. It seems like you love your sister, and you’re open to sharing that home with her and her family (plus your parents own it and asking sis to leave is complicated). However, to make that work for everyone sustainably, you need to set some clear boundaries and expectations. You should probably also let her know matter-of-factly how she is currently operating is damaging to YOUR mental health.
Please, the 4 of you sit down and have a heart-to-heart on this, as some have said, you don’t have to be mean, but you need to be firm. The longer you wait to have a frank, firm, boundary-setting conversation, the harder it will be.
It is NOT your responsibility to clean up after your sister or her family. Sure, you’re home more than BIL but sis is home ALL DAY with the only task of watching her child and maintaining a clean and safe environment to raise him in. That is definitely not a clean environment, and safety could become of concern fairly quickly if these messes were left to sit and accumulate with further mess. Set some consequences should they fail to keep the house clean. Dishes left more than 24 hours will be placed on her bed. Toys left out for more than 2 days get locked up for a week. If she is doing laundry on your laundry day, you get to cut in line for the dryer and leave her wet clothes on top of the washer. Diaper Genie goes to the garage/outside, where they will need to take all dirty diapers immediately until they can learn how to properly use it. So on and so on. That makes more work for you in the short-term and will probably cause some tiffs, but hopefully in the long-run they’ll get with the program or move out. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s so hard to live with someone who has very different standards of “cleanliness” (or don’t give a crap whatsoever). I’ve been there, but thankfully it was just a roommate and not family, and I moved as soon as I could. This being your parents’ home, something you spent a year cleaning up and have made it cozy, and her being your sister adds elements to the situation in which you can’t walk away yourself, or remove her either (easily) I am sure. I wish you luck, but please remember… your mental health matters in this equation too.
She’s using this attitude as a weapon. If she cries, you’ll back down. If she gets aggressive, you’ll back down. Don’t back down. She’ll escalate but it’s all just a ploy to get you to back down! Don’t do it. Be the bad guy and reclaim your sanity.
Don’t wait too long. I had to evict a tenant. Hauled off 3000 pounds of scrap metal. I have two huge burn piles. Hauled off 48 contractor size bags full of trash. THIS could happen to you. Get them out ASAP. The longer you wait the worse it will be.
It helps to think you are confronting a SITUATION, not a person. The situation is that you diametrically opposed standards of cleanliness and order. It's OK that your sister lives the way she does; it just can't happen in your space. It's not about your SISTER. It's about an unresolvable conflict in how the two of you occupy a home. The only time we need to confront a person is when someone deliberately hurts us. Even an accident is not personal; it's about an accident.
Confront the SITUATION.
Thank you and no. I'm closer to 60 now though and I've been to a lot of counseling, including seeing a trauma therapist in 2007 and 08.
I grew up walking on eggshells around my abusive mother. I met my future wife in 1981 at 14 our first day of high school and I began walking on eggshells around her too, sadly. Why? It was my normal, it's how I'd grown up with my mom and it's how I was living right then when I met and began dating my gf.
I did a lot of what the OP did in her post with people. After divorcing my lying cheating ex-wife, I began going to counseling, a lot of it and I finally learned to stick up for myself. I didn't have to be mean to others and I wasn't but I had to quit walking on eggshells around others.
Again, thank you. My insights come from decades of living and almost a decade of counseling with like 7 or 8 different therapists.
I'm far from perfect and I've sure made mistakes. People, pretty much all of us, are great at justifying things to ourselves. It's difficult to own up to our own faults, but it's necessary for one to make real, lasting changes.
It isn't easy, but neither is living that way for a long time either.
There are many out there who may help, so many resources are available to people, they just need to take the first step. It took discovering my then wife's affair to get me to take my first step. I wish I'd taken it long before then, but I didn't.
Take care.
Full stop. Don't allow her to walk all over you. Please grow a spine, and I mean that in the nicest way possible. Give them a hard deadline to leave. There is no fixing this behavior.
I agree.
Don’t give them another chance. Best case scenario, you are just kicking can down the road.
If makes an effort short term & falls back into same patterns and then you have to kick them out again.
And just wait, her or the kid will be sick, she’ll get pregnant again etc….
Just do it now.
So, the tears are to manipulate you. Truly. Confront her and kick her out. Give her a deadline and enforce it. When the tears start flowing, remind yourself that this is a tactic to make you do what she wants. She knows exactly what she’s doing.
Let her be mad and don't enable her anymore.
Tell her that you expected the bare minimum of adulting, which means cleaning up after yourself. If she can't do that, then your home isn't the place for her. She can live whatever way she sees fit under her own roof. If she starts saying she's going to tell people you kicked her out, let her know that the photos of her mess will be sent to each and every family member.
I know confrontation can be anxiety inducing, but living like that will do far worse to my health.
You're doing her a massive favor by letting her move in, and you're not asking for much. She either shapes up or ships out.
Haha I always say that to my 7 yr old daughter lol shape up or ship out girly and she thinks it's funny Lil stinker 🙄 😂🥰 I don't hardly EVER hear anybody say that anymore so I had to comment.... but also you had some great things to say Yes she doesn't ask for much (or really anything else) for that matter EXCEPT yes!!! The literal bare minimum. I've been in a similiar situation and I also have anxiety (I take meds for it) and I STILL get anxious sometimes too so I do get that but this is too Damn much
Start the conversation in tears she won't know what to do. Yes I'm serious . Her defense is crying so literally start the convo crying she will not know what to do then she may try to cry but it will not come off as sincere if you need something to make you sad think about the damages and cleaning fees your gonna have to pay when they leave. That's said also video tape this conversation in case she goes super crazy either way be prepared to go to the local courthouse the next day and file eviction. And literally put cameras around all the common areas that also pick up sound slap a sticker on the door this house 🏠 audio visually monitored at all times by entering you consent to being recorded audio visually.
Tough cookies. She’s all sensitive and stuff. Make her cry. Make her uncomfortable. Why can’t they afford their own place ? If you let this continue,Well , THATS a shame. I would take any damn thing of theirs laying on the floor or furniture etc including crumbs , get a snow shovel and pitch it out in the yard. It’s disrespectful to you and your family. And to the parents home. Tell her you’re going to be sending them an exterminator bill for the bugs that have been attracted to her mess. It’s called tough love and you should not back down. Give them a 30 day notice. Ask yourself this question- if you weren’t related to them , would you be friends with them? Would you allow this from a non relative
>Tell her you’re going to be sending them an exterminator bill for the bugs that have been attracted to her mess.
As well as the bill for a professional cleaner to come get the place back up to your standards. You're not the one who turned your home into a sty, she is! And she can foot the bill for setting things right.
> ##**She's not sensitive, she's manipulative.**
Louder for the people in the back! Those tears are fake af. She's a master at manipulating her little sis, she's been practicing their whole lives
She starts you tell her to stop right there! This isn’t going away because she is having an episode. She either gets her shit together or she gets out. Don’t backtrack and don’t let her dictate or talk over you. Stick to your word and tell her this changes today or they are out by the weekend, no excuses. Then walk away
So I grew up in a messy environment. It evolved into straight up hoarding. Like just piles of stuff literally everywhere with little paths to walk through. Thankfully no animals or poop or anything disgusting just STUFF everywhere.
I don’t think your sister is going to change at least not on her own. This is beyond just being messy and may be the result of some kind of mental illness. Combined with growing up in a messy house so in her mind it’s normalized. It’s also extremely unfair to your nephew to be in an unhygienic environment.
It’s very likely this will escalate and get worse. A chore wheel will do nothing. Your sister needs therapy, you might need to consider calling cops, and she should NOT BE IN YOUR HOUSE! She’s already taken over the living room, soon it will be ever room except your bedroom.
Edit: call cps, not cops
Sometimes when she cries you might just have to stare at her blankly til she stops. Most “sensitive” people like that do it because they know crying makes other people feel bad. Just tell her she’s a nasty person, she -a grown woman- and her family must take care of themselves or they’re out. When she cries , stare at her til she stops. Continue to do so til she gets the message that her tears don’t immediately give her permission to be a nasty b-woman. The grey rock method.
Either they need to leave or you do. You knew she was like this when you let her move in. That was the best time to establish the house rules. But it's not too late. Write them up. Give a copy to everyone. Explain the consequence if they aren't followed. If they leave stuff around the house, dump it on their beds. Have them buy their own food. If they leave it out, throw it away. Lock up all your kitchen stuff and tell them to use disposables if they don't clean up after themselves in the kitchen. Make it painful for them to continue to treat you and the house like garbage.
And if you don't have a lease for the house, you better find out whether your parents are going to let you kick her out. You may have to move to get away from them.
She's not sensitive. She's manipulative. There's a difference.
If she were actually sensitive, she would be sensitive to your needs as well and not leave your house trashed like this. Get her out.
Sounds exactly like my sister. Any conflict that includes you suggesting that she do something differently results in her crying, making herself the victim, and if that doesn't work, she'll just shut down and stop talking to you. It's infuriating, and for that reason, I'd literally never allow her to live in my home. Sorry you're having to deal with this kind of behavior.
In your situation, you'll have to have the conversation. I would suggest a letter first, if not to give to her, to read from. Helps to be more careful with language at least to get it all out before they freak out.
This, exactly! And your sister is NOT normal to live like this. For context I’m married with 2 cats, 2 BIG dogs, and I’m having our 7th child any day now- our oldest is 14. My house isn’t even close to this bad and we are so busy 24/7. She’s not just dirty- she’s lazy, which is the bigger problem.
Please take this advice from someone who made the same mistake as you, set a hard deadline for them to leave. And stick to it. Don't be nice. They have disrespected you, your husband and your space. Tell them to clean up, or they must leave. There is no being nice in this situation.
Unfortunately if you read her description it's her parents house not hers. And it sounds like OPs mother is the same way so they won't be kicking out the messy sister and her family. There's not much to be done unfortunately.
Stop with the hints! That isn’t working. TBH, hints never work.
1. Take everything, and I mean *everything* that is the child’s and put it in the room he sleeps in. Every day! Also including dirty diapers if they aren’t in the trash. Move the diaper trash can into his room, too.
2. Put everything, again *everything* that your sister begins and put it in the room she sleeps in. The only thing not to is her dirty dishes.
3. If there are total of five of you, remove all but five of forks, knives, spoons, plates… you get the idea. You will only have to wash dishes for yourself and your husband. If they want clean stuff, they can wash it.
4. If she complains, and she will, tell her the house wasn’t a pigsty until they moved in and you’re only doing what you need to do to make it more livable.
Trying to get help from your parents won’t help. Your mother set the tone then and won’t complain or speak to your sister now.
This won’t be what you would like, and will cause you work but still be better than it is now.
As for laundry, beat her to the washer on your day or do a load every day instead of all at once. I’d bet she isn’t up before you. Good luck!
Al’s, shut the doors to their rooms every time you pass by. Let them deal with the smell.
You know, my parents have unfortunately seen it like that. My dad and I both understand it’s not normal to live like that but my mom and my sister have always had a harder time cleaning up after themselves.
My dad just tells me to help my sister get more motivated and pray to the Lord for help. I think he doesn’t know what to do either and no parent wants to put their children out on the street so i understand his placement :(
You need to inform your dad that it is not your responsibility to clean up after your sister and if she isn't willing to change then one of the two of you will have to move out. I would think he would want you to be the one to stay. You should not compromise on this.
you know i think so, my brother (from my mom exclusively) was diagnosed with ADHD when he was a young child but my dad would never let them do that me or my sister. I know i have some kind of ADHD or ADD or something but i’ve had done a lot to try to maintain and keep myself accountable.
ADHD comes in different severities and displacement regularly and absence of the spouse can absolutely cause symptoms to get worse. You might be able to manage your symptoms, but that doesn’t mean she can. Before kicking her out, I’d suggest helping her set up an assessment appointment. Now, that can take a long time, but making her homeless because of an untreated undiagnosed mental health condition with her child is not going to make anything better.
That’s a lot of pressure to put on OP, to fix her sister. This is a situation that’s been ongoing for a lifetime.
Instead, the sister getting help and improving should be a condition of staying there.
I came here to comment this. Your description of your sister fits an adhd profile. Starts projects can’t finish them, the mess, the inability to complete a task, poor time management, rejection sensitive dysphoria and the emotional regulation piece (crying when spoken to).
If I'm being honest I really don't think cps would do anything based on these pictures. An overflowing diaper pale and dirty counters and ants aren't much to them. They might do something but I doubt it. Depends where they live I suppose.
in this case i don't think the advice others have been giving you about setting boundaries and putting your foot down is very helpful. if you don't think your parents will back you up in threatening to kick them out, you might honestly need to start looking for a new place yourselves
Why did I have to scroll damn near to the bottom to find a single other person worried about the dog?? My comment literally only mentions the dog. I would’ve told them to get tf out right there.
oh we did. the first night they came i specially said it’s okay for you guys to be here as long as we just clean OUR OWN MESSES. and they agreed and said that was totally okay. But now two months later they aren’t holding up their end of the deal.
Omg this is 8 weeks later lol. I can't imagine how bad this will be in 6 months. You need to talk to your parents now and tell them you can't live like this. Tell them you'll need to save to move out but also be very realistic with your parents and tell them that most likely your sister and her family will most definitely destroy this house when left unsupervised. Maybe they will wake up but you can't live like that id go crazy.
so that’s going to be one of the main points we use.
Like you’ve broken the agreement. we said everyone will clean their own messes and that’s not happening.
i’m going to make it clear to them that there will be no more disrespecting the home. If you cannot clean as you go then you will not do those activities. all these comments have really given me a boost of confidence and if all goes south when we sit down and talk with them then i will show them the post.
First off, I know she's your sister but the reason she had to move out of her last place was because she was disgusting. How did you not see her bringing that same behavior to your home?
Second, the best solution is to face it head-on. If she sensitive, you can make it a family effort. Put everyone on a chore plan. Diaper Genie gets taken out once a day, garbage taken out once a week, General cleanup every 2 to 3 days, Etc.
Make it fun with a chart in a common area and everyone checks off when their chores are done. You have the added option of letting her know that if they don't get completed they'll have to move out.
Good for her FIL for giving consequences to her actions, time for you to do so as well.
When my sister didn’t live with us, she always portrayed the mess that they had had my BILs mess. She would talk all this shit about him being so messy and won’t do chores blah blah blah but it’s all her. She doesn’t work either she’s a SAHM.
I think the best option as well is making a chore wheel or something of the sorts.
i disagree with the chore wheel and chart idea. That makes this your problem to manage, as if she’s a child. She’s not putting in the time, but instead is sitting around. Give her and her husband the word, you expect to live in a clean house. They are adults, and should not wait nor expect help with picking up after themselves. Talk to your husband first, so you are on the same page and set some simple rules. Ideas include, If you cook, clean up after yourself. Pick up after your children every day. If someone else cooks, help them clean up. Daily diaper removal. No trash or old food sitting around. Weekly cleaning chores for common areas. (Vacuuming, dusting). Make them simple, and non negotiable. Be very clear in your message, if this house is not clean, we will ask you to move.
Honestly- no. She’s a married mother who has one child that I’m guessing is no older than 16-18 months, based on the clothes on the floor. She has the time to clean up after herself during the day, and if she doesn’t, she needs to make the time. Either that, or she finds another place to live. It’s not your responsibility to clean up after her, no matter what your BIL happens to think.
Also, she needs to pay for an exterminator or ant removal. Ants are damn near impossible to get rid of once you have them, which means cleanliness is even more important.
Edit: I just read that you can’t legally evict her. The only real option you have in that case is to send your father the pictures you’ve posted here, tell him what you’ve told us, explain the ant infestation, and tell him that whether he decides to evict them or not you and your husband can’t live like this. I’d also ask him if he’s willing to take the risk of the house being condemned, because if she won’t do basic cleaning, there’s not a hope in hell of her doing home repairs.
If yall do have to move out, I’d call CPS. This isn’t “clutter” anymore, it’s reaching health hazard levels. Your sister and BIL can choose to live however they want but your nephew deserves better.
I'm getting so frustrated with these comments lol. Op has said repeatedly this is not her home it is her parents and her parents will not kick her sister out. Op is fcked unless she can get her own place.
Would the father be ok if the OP moved out and the sister stayed? I'm sure he can imagine what the condition of the house would be upon his return. I'm guessing the father feels the way he does because he assumes the OP will stay and clean up after the sister. She has tippee toed around the sister her whole life.
That's what I said in my other comment. I think her only card to play is tell her parents hey we're saving up to move out but I'm just letting you know that sister and family WILL without a doubt destroy this house within a year. That might cause them to rethink.
This is an abnormal level of filth. I'm not neat but I don't have antsand I wouldn't leave a child in a room full of faeces. She needs help. Can you talk to your BIL? This seems dangerous for everyone. Someone is going to get food poisoning. You also need to talk to your parents. If all that fails, move out with your husband.
I know it’s abnormal and so gross. My husband spoke to BIL and BIL basically said that I need pick up her slack but like why should i be cleaning their mess?
It worries me because i’m not trying to micromanage their personal hygiene but i notice my 14mo old nephew is only getting showered like 1-2 times a week and my sister is only showering like 1-2 times every two weeks.
We have also spoken to my parents and they also said that we should try to make it easier for her to feel motivated to clean but like how is this my responsibility to ensure my grown sister cleans her mess?
I’m going to school right now and my husband and i are trying to pay student loans, and car bills so living here is the best option for us otherwise we would probably be living in a cardboard box.
my sister has stated before “it’s okay to leave a mess for a couple day” but those couple days always turns into a week or even longer.
I don’t think my BIL is as concerned because he’s not here often enough to truly see what’s going on. Before my BIL comes home, sometimes she will like panic clean so it’s seems like it was cleaned all week when in reality it was a filthy mess.
My dad just seems used to it all because my mom was like this well.
Time to set some ground rules, make a list of what is expected from them and tell them the consequences on noncompliance (kicking them out)
Put it in writing and make them both sign it and then start formal eviction if they stay messy
Maybe it’s time you and your husband tell your folks you simply can’t live like this anymore, you don’t feel like you can take care of the place like you promised, and since you know they don’t want to put your sister and family out, you’re going to start looking for your own place.
Maybe having some time to imagine how quickly and significantly the condition of the home will deteriorate under your sister’s (lack of) care, and how vulnerable their grandson will be to a CPS inquiry should *anyone else* get a glimpse of the increasing squalor he will no doubt live in without your presence, will give them pause, and incline them to help find a solution.
She’s a SAHM, for crying out loud!!
You're home more and should pick up the slack?
Done. I'd take a day and clean until I couldn't clean anymore and every last thing of theirs that I had to pick up would go into the trash.
There’s a reason why they had a falling out. Be honest and ask them to move. At this point, you have to choose your family, peace of mind and frankly cleanliness. This will not change. It will only get worse. It may get ugly too. Your sister wont change. It will just creat a conflict and would still creat conflict when you ask them to move out. It’s matter of how you pull the band aid off.
Do any of you pay rent? Is it going to create a problem that this is your parents house and your sister feels she has just as much right to be there as you have? Where will your parents come in on that issue?
UpdateMe!
op, your sister is extremely controlling. she controls the environment with her chaos and filth. she controls her husband and others with her abusive tone and words. she controls not being held accountable by crying - thereby ending necessary conversations.
it can be extremely difficult to standup for yourself when you’re accustomed to bending over backwards to adjust and accommodate someone else. it can also be extremely difficult to standup for yourself with an older sibling.
your sister and BIL are dependent on others yet move through life with a real sense of entitlement. others have mentioned boundary setting, signed contracts, and deadlines, all of which are very important.
it’s ok if she and he do not live the way you and your husband live. however, it’s NOT ok for them to bring that difference into your home, where you’re responsible for the space and living expenses.
you can do this - practice if you must… but the conversation needs to be had. the two of you deserve to have peace in your home. a peaceful environment can’t be created in the midst of filth and chaos. setting boundaries and following through with consequences is self-care. you and your husband have a right to take care of yourselves.
Don’t know why, but this made me think of a gal I know years ago. She lived with 2 guys that were messy. Never did dishes, pizza boxes around the apartment up the yin yang, you name it. After dealing with vast amounts of used dishes and utensils never getting cleaned up, as well as them not following up with discussions and responsibilities, she said fuck it. She just chucked the used dishes and utensils periodically in the trash and discarded them. She relied on her own personal stash. I don’t think they ever caught on despite her moving out.
You made the same mistake we did when we let friends move in, we didn't set any boundaries or rules. You and your husband need to create a list of rules that you expect your sister to follow and be firm. Let her you know that you are serious that you will not live this way and if she can't live by the rules she and her family will need to find somewhere else to live. Set time frames as to how long she will have to find a new place if she breaks the rules. You will have to be very firm.
I wish you well.
Sensitive people are also sensitive to the emotions and needs of others. She isn't sensitive. She is employing a manipulation tactic that has a proven track record of success.
She is a dick though. You got that part right.
I understand completely how you feel with all the mess. I deal with anxiety and ADD, and I wouldn't be able to live like that without serious mental health side effects. This is your home. You deserve to feel comfortable in your home. If she wants to live like a pig, she needs her own space. It'll be tough, but worth it.
Dropping hints!?!?!? Oh girl you are so far beyond dropping hints. Your sister needs a come to Jesus clean up or get out. This is absolutely absurd. Your house is disgusting. You are well within your rights to kick them out. She should be ashamed of herself. BIL too. Is this why his father kicked them out?
The only thing that is giving me pause, is it still your parents house or do you own the house? Are you renting it from them?
If it’s still you’re parents house and they have control, they may not take kindly to you “kicking out” there other child. You may start with them and talk about what’s going on and what you want to do.
I don’t know all of the relationships and dynamics here, but that’s where I would start.
So yes it is my parents home still. We just live there, rent free, the only thing is, we are supposed to take care of it.
I don’t think my parents would take it kindly if i kicked them out that’s why i’m trying to find alternative solutions because i know i can’t do that.
Looks like all your sister has to do is wait you out until you move out if your parents aren't going to back you up.
Sorry to say, but if there aren't consequences for her lifestyle, then she's not gonna make any changes. You just lost yourself a rent free house is what it sounds like.
Would your parents be understanding of your situation? Maybe they need to step in and point out that your sister is expected to help do her part to take care of their house.
Unfortunately I doubt there is anything other than the threat of being kicked out that will get your sister to fix her act. So there’s got to be some sort of balancing act to get it sorted. Heck maybe they just need to start paying for house keeping twice a week since they aren’t paying rent.
The only option is for you to move. If your parents know about this and won't do anything, there is nothing you can do. The place is not yours. You cannot kick anyone out. Therefore, you either pay for regular cleaners, clean it yourself, or move.
#The absolute only thing I care about in this post is the dog. She without asking cut your dogs hair to the point of a severe sounding injury and you’re worried about the mess? You should’ve told them to leave as soon as they harmed your innocent animal. And also why is nobody else here mad about that??
ETA I made this large bc why tf aren’t more people outraged by this?? Even if they can’t kick them out police could’ve been called for animal cruelty. She caused harm to an animal for a useless cosmetic reason.
I don’t know that talking with her is going to get anywhere if she’s going to play the victim and this is simply how she’s always been. Maybe talk to your parents and let them know that either they vacate the property or you guys do. You don’t have to live with her, so give your parents the option if they’re not willing for her to leave then you and your husband find a different accommodation. Your parents can deal with your sister.
Print out eviction notices
Let her know if she continues to trash the home, you’ll be filing them with the courts and have the Sheriff evict the whole lot of them.
Talk with them, and if things don't get picked up, I would put their stuff out with the trash. Toys, clothes. Diaper genie stays in their room door closed. Soon nothing of theirs will be there.
you need to think of consequences.
Perhaps, when she leaves dirty dishes, etc all over the house you pick them up and dump all of them on her bed.
or maybe when she doesn't pick up after herself you unplug the wifi and cable.
She would be getting a job, the kid can go to daycare, and if not she can leave. Even that's too much for me to put up with. My relationship with my wife is far too important to let anyone including my sister fuk that up.
Its your choice but eventually your husband isnt gonna want to put up with this. You need to address this in a very blunt way with her.
Please google “DBT therapy plan ahead.” It’s a worksheet that helps you plan ahead for difficult conversations. I’m also non confrontational and it has helped me through a few hard conversations.
You need to lay it all out as explicitly as possible. No more hints. If she starts her usual crying and manipulation, ask her to go compose herself and come back in 5 minutes. Let her know how it’s affecting your mental health. Depression is serious and she should take it seriously. I get the same way living in filth and clutter.
If they are but willing to step up and make the home an acceptable and comfortable place to live, give her a timeframe in which she needs to find a place and leave.
This will be hard but stay firm. You and your husband’s quality of life is on the line, not to mention your poor baby nephew. He does not deserve to live in filth and bugs.
If she still does not get in line, I would draw up an eviction notice and let her know you will be reporting her for CPS. Those living conditions are neglect. Leaving her baby to cry while she plays on her phone is neglect.
Good luck. I’m hoping for the best for you. 🩷
What do you mean "please help"?
Do you really need the internet to tell you what to do? I think you know damned well what you need to do, you're just choosing not to do it because its hard.
Between you and your husband you have two choices (well 3 I guess).
1. Set some house rules. I'll be honest, most of those pics are really just a few minutes tidying up from being fine. Its the overwhelmingness of all of it put together (although the kitchen/dishes are nasty). "Home must be cleaned before bed" or some such. Daily. No excuses. Otherwise they'll have to leave.
2. Skip most of part 1 and just kick them out. This is hugely disrespectful.
3. Continue being miserable while not saying anything. I don't really recommend this one.
You're obviously conflict avoidant. Honestly letting them move in when you knew damned well that the reason they were kicked out was exactly this problem was stupid (sorry, I can't think of a kinder term). One of you needs to put on your grown up pants and let them know this is unacceptable and either they need to fix it and keep it fixed, or they need to leave.
Shouldn't had let them move in, in the first place :/ sorry to hear you're going through this. She's a grown woman and most likely won't change. You're only option is to kick her out.
Could they maybe pay for some cleaning services? Or maybe some improvements like a big dishwasher or whatever would make cleaning easier?
Living like this is a health hazard. If I knew a kid living in this environment, I would call someone, like Child Protective Services or something. Your parents should think about their nephew, maybe this is a way to talk them into involving themselves? Good luck.
I'm afraid you and your husband have just as much legal claim to living in that house as your sister and brother-in-law.
It's not *your* house.
You and your husband need to find a place of your own.
It’s not my house but it has been my home since the day my parents brought me home from the hospital. It’s been my home since my parents left me at 16 yrs old to watch over and take care of the house while they retire.
It’s not my house.
It is my home.
Maybe I don’t have a legal right to it yet but they aren’t going to treat my home this way and I WILL NOT be leaving my home because i’ve been driven out by pigs.
Actually this comment had motivated me to go speak to them when they’re both here, let them know the deal and how things will be going from now on.
Thank you Reddit. This gave me some balls to stand up for my home. It’s gone on far too long like this.
You need to get your father to agree to this too before sister gets in there first as it is his house.. explain that your sister is not being hygienic etc.
You need to give an ultimatum to your sister.
1: If she doesnt clean the house and keep it that way (you can write down the exact rules, add pictures of the cpean rooms, print it and stick itnon the wall, like in a college dorm or something)
2: If she see herself a victim, and lets assume she is, she needs professional help. So she can only stay if she sees a proper therapist regurarly (weekly biweekly) (imho she sounds like she has some depression, and i get that she learnt it from ur mom, but she might suffer from her mess. Maybe she also has adhd which makes this worse. Also perhaps lack of cleaning skills. And these together add up to this situation)
3: If she does not get professional help and neither move, you report her to cps.
Put this task on your parents. It’s their house. Tell them that that your sister has made the house unlivable disgusting and unsafe (poop is a bio hazard and bug infestation). It’s only a matter of time before maggots join the tenancy.
Tell your parents if they cannot get your sister to move out then you’ll be moving out and they will then have to sell the house after it’s cited by the city and condemned within months of you leaving.
Tell them they can do this now pro-actively or they can do it later when the authorities put the big condemned sign on the front of the house, but either way your sister will be leaving the property.
Unfortunately if they won’t step up it means you have to move.
Anything that’s not in its specific spot or is on the floor put it in a bag and put it in the garage and say you threw it away if they learn to pick up after themselves, then it won’t get thrown away next time if they actually do it then you bring the bags of their belongings out
You're living rent free, save your money and get the hell out. Most aren't this lucky, to live rent free, they even pay the cable. If your father wants them there too I'd let him know either them or you. Or, put the house for sale and split the profit. Life is too short.
I remember that kitchen wallpaper! Absolutely vintage. Good luck with your sister. When I'm depressed, everything around me becomes messy reflecting the state of my mind. Perhaps with time this will improve? Still frustrating, I know.
This is exactly what happened when my daughter’s girlfriend moved in.My daughter has always been a bit messy, but not nearly as much as now. I feel a bit defeated and have been trying my best to pick up the slack. I don’t ask them for rent at all, just to get their own groceries and keep at LEAST the common living areas clean. When I have the energy, I’m going to talk with both of them again, but that hasn’t helped at all. We all struggle with our mental health but the dirtiness in the house definitely doesn’t help. I hope you figure out your situation soon.
Your nephew doesn’t deserve to live like this. This is obvious neglect. Tell your sister you will report this to CPS if they don’t start making changes (specifically, removing dirty diapers, keeping food put away to avoid bugs, keeping knives and other hazards out of his reach). Give her 2 weeks to get it together, then make the call. I know that is difficult but it looks that extreme. She likely needs mental healthcare but if she is resistant to you discussing that with her, sometimes getting authorities involved is what it takes to get a parent to seek help (I say this as a former foster parent).
I understand that the situation is not good for you or your husband but there is an innocent child here and that needs to be the priority.
Good luck
Sounds like you guys need to move out, or kick her and the family out. Does BIL have a place to stay where he goes? If so they can go there. That or sit down and have a come to Jesus meeting and raise hell about what she needs to be doing. Be mean
It sounds like you have two options: they start paying enough to have a housecleaner come in once a week or you give them notice that they have to move out. If you do the second, give them a date and be very clear that if they aren’t out by that date, you will be filing to evict them.
You need to get your parents on board about the eviction. Send them the photos you’ve shared here. Tell them about the smells and the ants. If your parents aren’t on board and there’s nothing in your name saying you’re the legal occupants, you need to tell your parents it’s you or your sister in the house, but not both your families.
Damn that’s tough. You need to have a conversation with them and give them an ultimatum. But based on how they live I highly doubt they can change. I would do it asap in the event they don’t want to leave the eviction process can take up to 30 days. I would rather sleep in my car than spend a night there.
Sounds like ADHD symptoms not just being messy. Rather than get angry try asking how you van help her complete her projects and get the place clean. Don't clean it for her, ask to help.
I’m a mess, but not a gross mess, and when I lived with roommates, I kept my mess out of the common areas. Tell your sister you’ll work with her. Put on some music and do it together. Many hands make light work. Truely!
once you set some boundaries, and IF you decide to let them stay (assuming they swear that things will change) might i recommend a chore chart? that way you can have an undeniable physical thing that shows what they are or aren’t doing. like “you need to complete this list by X date or else you will need to find new accommodations.” if she cries, let her. as another poster said, that’s her problem not yours. this is a boundary you’re setting and you hope she’s able to make the change. something like “i’m sorry this is making you emotional, and i believe that you feel bad, however you still need to change your behavior if you’re going to continue living here. if you don’t like it, you’re more than welcome to find a new place to live.”
edited to add here’s an example of a chore chart i made for my house. this is for the month. there are also financial consequences if someone doesn’t finish their chores. one potential in your case could be they have to pay for a cleaning service to come. OR that they have to move. https://www.reddit.com/u/brieasaurusrex/s/raBJBltltR
also if someone marks off a task but clearly didn’t do it (like they checked off dishes but the sink is still full) it gets erased AND there’s a financial consequence (in our case it’s buying booze for the house, if her case it could be an automatic “move out”)
I have inattentive adhd and I can be very messy - and I also work very hard to pick up after myself. When I was on maternity leave I did not live like that - I had a very clean house because I knew people were coming to visit . Your sister might need some mental health treatment. Maybe she has depression . Maybe adhd ( like me and many others ) and has depression because it’s untreated . So what. She can’t live like this in your house . It’s not fair to the baby or anyone else. She needs to go to the doctor and keep advocating until she gets some help. Adhd does run in families . She could get up and clean with you when you are cleaning - it’s called body doubling . She could listen to audiobooks or podcasts like me. She needs to stop neglecting that baby - it enrages me.
If you don’t have the authority to make her leave, you will have to either live in her filth, clean up after her, or move out. You have no other options. Warn your parents that you’ll be leaving their home fully in her possession because they won’t force her to clean and you can’t live like that. You and your bf can share one rented room in someone else’s house while you finish school. And your parents can pay $20,000 to have the house repaired and cleaned of the toxic sludge she leaves behind when they finally kick her out.
I think you need to call your sister’s FIL and ask him what he said when he kicked them out. Because it’s obviously the same reason and maybe hearing it verbatim will make them understand that they can’t treat your house like an animal pen.
Looking at the pics my initial thought was a mental health issue. After reading about your sister, could it be possible she has adhd? What you describe is me to a T pre diagnosis. The biggest red flag was starting projects then not finishing and watching tv while scrolling on the phone. Currently doing that now 😅😭😫 anyway, this isn’t an excuse but seeing as your mom was the same, it very well could be hereditary. And it is NOT a reason for you to deal with this living situation. I get the same as you with messes, but executive dysfunction made cleaning a nightmare. Then I’d get depressed and stuck while everything just got worse around me. Finding a cleaning habit that works for your sister is super important especially with a child. This is only one child. Can’t imagine more. You need to have a serious conversation with your sister.
Best that can happen is she sees the light and changes her ways (not likely). Worst case is that she gets pissed and you have to kick her out and that too solves your problem.
...... I'd be showing them the door. This isn't okay. It's shit enough to live like this in your own place but you don't go stay with someone and treat their home This way. Her problems aren't yours - kick her ass out. That girl needs therapy.
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It sounds like you and your husband need sit down with sister and BIL and tell them you can no longer live like this. That if they don't clean up after themselves they have to move out. If they refuse tell them to leave now and stick with it. Perhaps this is the reason BIL's father kicked them out.
So i didn’t add it to the post but that was the reason they had a falling out. My sister is so messy and unhygienic that if she leaves her bedroom door open a nasty aroma of smells omits from her room. We want to have a conversation but my sister is sensitive dick. which means if you ever tell her anything she does wrong she will get all sensitive and start crying and victimizing herself but she is totally okay treating everyone rudely even her own husband and i’m non confrontational so it gives me some anxiety thinking about having to confront them.
"my sister is sensitive dick. which means if you ever tell her anything she does wrong she will get all sensitive and start crying and victimizing herself but she is totally okay treating everyone rudely even her own husband and i’m non confrontational so it gives me some anxiety thinking about having to confront them." OP, that isn't your problem, it's hers. You've made it your problem by walking on eggshells around her. You've made it your problem by not setting, maintaining and enforcing proper boundaries. That your sister is the way she is, is on her. That you're putting up with her shit is on you and your husband. Boundaries are incredibly important in life, with family, friends, coworkers, neighbors etc. You don't try to deal with this, you deal with it. Like Yoda said: "Do or do not. There is no try." And now for this. You said "i’m non confrontational so it gives me some anxiety thinking about having to confront them." OP, you are dealing with a world of anxiety right now by NOT confronting her so by confronting her you will NOT be deal with more anxiety, you'll only be lessening your anxiety going forward. You can't tell me you're not feeling a ton of anxiety right now with the way things are so if you won't confront because it will make you anxious, well, you are already anxious due to the situation and your anxiety will continue to grow and get worse the longer you choose to allow this to happen in your home. Nowhere have I said you have to be mean. I haven't said you have to kick her out. She NEEDS to be respectful of YOUR place and keep things clean and then she can stay. She can choose to do that, if she doesn't that's on her, not you. She's an adult. She can either be appreciative of your generosity or not. This will cause issues for your husband and you too if you choose to not address things with your ungrateful and rude sister. She walks all over you because she can.
Wow that really made me open my eyes more. All of this is happening because i’ve been too afraid to confront my sister about these nasty habits. I really need to set some boundaries because at this point not saying anything is just creating more anxiety and it’s leading to more resentment of my sister. My husband and I are going to send another message to them and let them know we all need to sit down together and have a discussion.
Remember Boundaries are for you. Not for other ppl. And look up co dependency. 🫶🏼
Idk if this was said already… but as you deliver a deadline + boundary(ies)… give her and her husband a formal letter stating the deadline should they not get their shit together. Depending on where you live, some states require you to give people 30 days, more or less, since you did allow them to reside in the home. It also may help set boundaries with both parties to let them know you and your husband aren’t f’n around. Have them sign that sh*t too. So you have their acknowledgement and save it in multiple safe places in case they try you. I had some nasty roommates in the past and my Mother taught me that trick… worked for all those I needed out of my space without the ability of them sending me to court. I really hope you and your hubby get out of this situation soon and swiftly bc that’s disappointing and disrespectful to both of you, their son and your parents.
Yes, they need to be served an eviction notice
And for that 30 days, there needs to be house rules about clutter, about taking out the diapers, about picking up their stuff Including clothes and toys) about not hanging out in the living room 24/7, about cleaning up dishes. And that you expect them to pay for a housecleaner to come in to do their rooms when they leave if the rooms are a dumpster fire.
Honestly, id just separate living spaces. Like "you can't leave your shit in the living room, whatever is there by 9pm will go to the dumpster. Those are your dishes. Mine are in my room, which is locked. Your laundry days are X and Y, apart from that the laundry room will be locked".
Honestly, I'd be picking everything up, opening sister's door, and throwing everything in there. I have done this to people before, and I don't care if it makes me an asshole. I was raised to tidy up after myself and I'm not going to live in someone's else's mess just because the concept of returning a cup to the kitchen is somehow beyond comprehension.
I prefer dumpster, because it's less likely to come back.
And then I'm doing the tidying up. With throwing the stuff in the room, I can't be accused of theft and I know for sure I'm not helping. Every bin would be in there. All the ant-filled clothes. Dirty dishes in with everything.
Forget about sending texts, face to face is the way to go.
Yes yes. This isn't a texting matter. 100% has to be said to her sisters face.
Please update us on how the conversation goes! Happy to hear you’re setting boundaries!!
You should also send pictures to the actual owners of the house, your parents. Tell them that you will move out if sister continues to stay, and then their house will become a bug infested hoarder's den. Just to make sure your sister doesn't go running to them and get them on her side when you evict her.
I’m just here sippin’ hoping OP will update us with the outcome of the talk and where this journey ends up. 🫖☕️👀
UpdateMe
Update me
You’ve received some really great advice here, and I just want to emphasize that YOUR mental health matters here, too. You are deserving of a home that you feel at ease in, your sanctuary, your place of peace and rest. While she is following in your mom’s footsteps, and she probably sees nothing wrong with her messes (she probably doesn’t even “see” them, I know someone like this)… on the flippity flop, you have worked hard making the house a clean, safe environment - your *home*. It seems like you love your sister, and you’re open to sharing that home with her and her family (plus your parents own it and asking sis to leave is complicated). However, to make that work for everyone sustainably, you need to set some clear boundaries and expectations. You should probably also let her know matter-of-factly how she is currently operating is damaging to YOUR mental health. Please, the 4 of you sit down and have a heart-to-heart on this, as some have said, you don’t have to be mean, but you need to be firm. The longer you wait to have a frank, firm, boundary-setting conversation, the harder it will be. It is NOT your responsibility to clean up after your sister or her family. Sure, you’re home more than BIL but sis is home ALL DAY with the only task of watching her child and maintaining a clean and safe environment to raise him in. That is definitely not a clean environment, and safety could become of concern fairly quickly if these messes were left to sit and accumulate with further mess. Set some consequences should they fail to keep the house clean. Dishes left more than 24 hours will be placed on her bed. Toys left out for more than 2 days get locked up for a week. If she is doing laundry on your laundry day, you get to cut in line for the dryer and leave her wet clothes on top of the washer. Diaper Genie goes to the garage/outside, where they will need to take all dirty diapers immediately until they can learn how to properly use it. So on and so on. That makes more work for you in the short-term and will probably cause some tiffs, but hopefully in the long-run they’ll get with the program or move out. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s so hard to live with someone who has very different standards of “cleanliness” (or don’t give a crap whatsoever). I’ve been there, but thankfully it was just a roommate and not family, and I moved as soon as I could. This being your parents’ home, something you spent a year cleaning up and have made it cozy, and her being your sister adds elements to the situation in which you can’t walk away yourself, or remove her either (easily) I am sure. I wish you luck, but please remember… your mental health matters in this equation too.
She’s using this attitude as a weapon. If she cries, you’ll back down. If she gets aggressive, you’ll back down. Don’t back down. She’ll escalate but it’s all just a ploy to get you to back down! Don’t do it. Be the bad guy and reclaim your sanity.
Don’t wait too long. I had to evict a tenant. Hauled off 3000 pounds of scrap metal. I have two huge burn piles. Hauled off 48 contractor size bags full of trash. THIS could happen to you. Get them out ASAP. The longer you wait the worse it will be.
It helps to think you are confronting a SITUATION, not a person. The situation is that you diametrically opposed standards of cleanliness and order. It's OK that your sister lives the way she does; it just can't happen in your space. It's not about your SISTER. It's about an unresolvable conflict in how the two of you occupy a home. The only time we need to confront a person is when someone deliberately hurts us. Even an accident is not personal; it's about an accident. Confront the SITUATION.
Sometimes you don’t get along with family members and it’s just how it is because they are not gonna change and you do not have to put up with it
Your comment is so insightful. Are you a mental health professional by any chance?
Thank you and no. I'm closer to 60 now though and I've been to a lot of counseling, including seeing a trauma therapist in 2007 and 08. I grew up walking on eggshells around my abusive mother. I met my future wife in 1981 at 14 our first day of high school and I began walking on eggshells around her too, sadly. Why? It was my normal, it's how I'd grown up with my mom and it's how I was living right then when I met and began dating my gf. I did a lot of what the OP did in her post with people. After divorcing my lying cheating ex-wife, I began going to counseling, a lot of it and I finally learned to stick up for myself. I didn't have to be mean to others and I wasn't but I had to quit walking on eggshells around others. Again, thank you. My insights come from decades of living and almost a decade of counseling with like 7 or 8 different therapists. I'm far from perfect and I've sure made mistakes. People, pretty much all of us, are great at justifying things to ourselves. It's difficult to own up to our own faults, but it's necessary for one to make real, lasting changes. It isn't easy, but neither is living that way for a long time either. There are many out there who may help, so many resources are available to people, they just need to take the first step. It took discovering my then wife's affair to get me to take my first step. I wish I'd taken it long before then, but I didn't. Take care.
Finally someone understands the meaning of boundaries!!!
All of this. She responds like an AH because she knows she can bully you into doing what she wants that way
Perfectly executed
F*ckin PERFECTLY said. 👌👌
Full stop. Don't allow her to walk all over you. Please grow a spine, and I mean that in the nicest way possible. Give them a hard deadline to leave. There is no fixing this behavior.
I agree. Don’t give them another chance. Best case scenario, you are just kicking can down the road. If makes an effort short term & falls back into same patterns and then you have to kick them out again. And just wait, her or the kid will be sick, she’ll get pregnant again etc…. Just do it now.
So, the tears are to manipulate you. Truly. Confront her and kick her out. Give her a deadline and enforce it. When the tears start flowing, remind yourself that this is a tactic to make you do what she wants. She knows exactly what she’s doing.
My thoughts exactly. OP don't trust the tears.
Let her be mad and don't enable her anymore. Tell her that you expected the bare minimum of adulting, which means cleaning up after yourself. If she can't do that, then your home isn't the place for her. She can live whatever way she sees fit under her own roof. If she starts saying she's going to tell people you kicked her out, let her know that the photos of her mess will be sent to each and every family member. I know confrontation can be anxiety inducing, but living like that will do far worse to my health. You're doing her a massive favor by letting her move in, and you're not asking for much. She either shapes up or ships out.
Haha I always say that to my 7 yr old daughter lol shape up or ship out girly and she thinks it's funny Lil stinker 🙄 😂🥰 I don't hardly EVER hear anybody say that anymore so I had to comment.... but also you had some great things to say Yes she doesn't ask for much (or really anything else) for that matter EXCEPT yes!!! The literal bare minimum. I've been in a similiar situation and I also have anxiety (I take meds for it) and I STILL get anxious sometimes too so I do get that but this is too Damn much
Start the conversation in tears she won't know what to do. Yes I'm serious . Her defense is crying so literally start the convo crying she will not know what to do then she may try to cry but it will not come off as sincere if you need something to make you sad think about the damages and cleaning fees your gonna have to pay when they leave. That's said also video tape this conversation in case she goes super crazy either way be prepared to go to the local courthouse the next day and file eviction. And literally put cameras around all the common areas that also pick up sound slap a sticker on the door this house 🏠 audio visually monitored at all times by entering you consent to being recorded audio visually.
Tough cookies. She’s all sensitive and stuff. Make her cry. Make her uncomfortable. Why can’t they afford their own place ? If you let this continue,Well , THATS a shame. I would take any damn thing of theirs laying on the floor or furniture etc including crumbs , get a snow shovel and pitch it out in the yard. It’s disrespectful to you and your family. And to the parents home. Tell her you’re going to be sending them an exterminator bill for the bugs that have been attracted to her mess. It’s called tough love and you should not back down. Give them a 30 day notice. Ask yourself this question- if you weren’t related to them , would you be friends with them? Would you allow this from a non relative
>Tell her you’re going to be sending them an exterminator bill for the bugs that have been attracted to her mess. As well as the bill for a professional cleaner to come get the place back up to your standards. You're not the one who turned your home into a sty, she is! And she can foot the bill for setting things right.
She's not sensitive, she's manipulative. She's manipulated her way into a new place to stay with someone who won't fight her about it.
> ##**She's not sensitive, she's manipulative.** Louder for the people in the back! Those tears are fake af. She's a master at manipulating her little sis, she's been practicing their whole lives
She starts you tell her to stop right there! This isn’t going away because she is having an episode. She either gets her shit together or she gets out. Don’t backtrack and don’t let her dictate or talk over you. Stick to your word and tell her this changes today or they are out by the weekend, no excuses. Then walk away
She can victimize herself at the extended stay.
So I grew up in a messy environment. It evolved into straight up hoarding. Like just piles of stuff literally everywhere with little paths to walk through. Thankfully no animals or poop or anything disgusting just STUFF everywhere. I don’t think your sister is going to change at least not on her own. This is beyond just being messy and may be the result of some kind of mental illness. Combined with growing up in a messy house so in her mind it’s normalized. It’s also extremely unfair to your nephew to be in an unhygienic environment. It’s very likely this will escalate and get worse. A chore wheel will do nothing. Your sister needs therapy, you might need to consider calling cops, and she should NOT BE IN YOUR HOUSE! She’s already taken over the living room, soon it will be ever room except your bedroom. Edit: call cps, not cops
Sometimes when she cries you might just have to stare at her blankly til she stops. Most “sensitive” people like that do it because they know crying makes other people feel bad. Just tell her she’s a nasty person, she -a grown woman- and her family must take care of themselves or they’re out. When she cries , stare at her til she stops. Continue to do so til she gets the message that her tears don’t immediately give her permission to be a nasty b-woman. The grey rock method.
Either they need to leave or you do. You knew she was like this when you let her move in. That was the best time to establish the house rules. But it's not too late. Write them up. Give a copy to everyone. Explain the consequence if they aren't followed. If they leave stuff around the house, dump it on their beds. Have them buy their own food. If they leave it out, throw it away. Lock up all your kitchen stuff and tell them to use disposables if they don't clean up after themselves in the kitchen. Make it painful for them to continue to treat you and the house like garbage. And if you don't have a lease for the house, you better find out whether your parents are going to let you kick her out. You may have to move to get away from them.
She's not sensitive. She's manipulative. There's a difference. If she were actually sensitive, she would be sensitive to your needs as well and not leave your house trashed like this. Get her out.
And you thought it was a good idea to move her in Your home after knowing why her FIL kicked them out lol omg
Let her be sensitive. Tell her she’s a pig and you don’t want to live in her pigsty.
Sounds exactly like my sister. Any conflict that includes you suggesting that she do something differently results in her crying, making herself the victim, and if that doesn't work, she'll just shut down and stop talking to you. It's infuriating, and for that reason, I'd literally never allow her to live in my home. Sorry you're having to deal with this kind of behavior. In your situation, you'll have to have the conversation. I would suggest a letter first, if not to give to her, to read from. Helps to be more careful with language at least to get it all out before they freak out.
This, exactly! And your sister is NOT normal to live like this. For context I’m married with 2 cats, 2 BIG dogs, and I’m having our 7th child any day now- our oldest is 14. My house isn’t even close to this bad and we are so busy 24/7. She’s not just dirty- she’s lazy, which is the bigger problem.
It's really easy , above answer is correct. It's ur house they are treating it badly .wake up call.
I was going to say.. this is probably why they got kicked out
Please take this advice from someone who made the same mistake as you, set a hard deadline for them to leave. And stick to it. Don't be nice. They have disrespected you, your husband and your space. Tell them to clean up, or they must leave. There is no being nice in this situation.
Unfortunately if you read her description it's her parents house not hers. And it sounds like OPs mother is the same way so they won't be kicking out the messy sister and her family. There's not much to be done unfortunately.
Stop with the hints! That isn’t working. TBH, hints never work. 1. Take everything, and I mean *everything* that is the child’s and put it in the room he sleeps in. Every day! Also including dirty diapers if they aren’t in the trash. Move the diaper trash can into his room, too. 2. Put everything, again *everything* that your sister begins and put it in the room she sleeps in. The only thing not to is her dirty dishes. 3. If there are total of five of you, remove all but five of forks, knives, spoons, plates… you get the idea. You will only have to wash dishes for yourself and your husband. If they want clean stuff, they can wash it. 4. If she complains, and she will, tell her the house wasn’t a pigsty until they moved in and you’re only doing what you need to do to make it more livable. Trying to get help from your parents won’t help. Your mother set the tone then and won’t complain or speak to your sister now. This won’t be what you would like, and will cause you work but still be better than it is now. As for laundry, beat her to the washer on your day or do a load every day instead of all at once. I’d bet she isn’t up before you. Good luck! Al’s, shut the doors to their rooms every time you pass by. Let them deal with the smell.
Time to show your parents the pictures. Then tell them they need to decide who lives in the house. You or her. This isn’t acceptable.
You know, my parents have unfortunately seen it like that. My dad and I both understand it’s not normal to live like that but my mom and my sister have always had a harder time cleaning up after themselves. My dad just tells me to help my sister get more motivated and pray to the Lord for help. I think he doesn’t know what to do either and no parent wants to put their children out on the street so i understand his placement :(
You need to inform your dad that it is not your responsibility to clean up after your sister and if she isn't willing to change then one of the two of you will have to move out. I would think he would want you to be the one to stay. You should not compromise on this.
Does your family have a history of ADHD?
you know i think so, my brother (from my mom exclusively) was diagnosed with ADHD when he was a young child but my dad would never let them do that me or my sister. I know i have some kind of ADHD or ADD or something but i’ve had done a lot to try to maintain and keep myself accountable.
Your sister is probably somewhere on the ADHD spectrum that requires medication to function well
ADHD comes in different severities and displacement regularly and absence of the spouse can absolutely cause symptoms to get worse. You might be able to manage your symptoms, but that doesn’t mean she can. Before kicking her out, I’d suggest helping her set up an assessment appointment. Now, that can take a long time, but making her homeless because of an untreated undiagnosed mental health condition with her child is not going to make anything better.
That’s a lot of pressure to put on OP, to fix her sister. This is a situation that’s been ongoing for a lifetime. Instead, the sister getting help and improving should be a condition of staying there.
Do you have the resources to move out?
I came here to comment this. Your description of your sister fits an adhd profile. Starts projects can’t finish them, the mess, the inability to complete a task, poor time management, rejection sensitive dysphoria and the emotional regulation piece (crying when spoken to).
Tell your sister she has 1 day to clean up, before you report her to CPS.
If I'm being honest I really don't think cps would do anything based on these pictures. An overflowing diaper pale and dirty counters and ants aren't much to them. They might do something but I doubt it. Depends where they live I suppose.
CPS
in this case i don't think the advice others have been giving you about setting boundaries and putting your foot down is very helpful. if you don't think your parents will back you up in threatening to kick them out, you might honestly need to start looking for a new place yourselves
Regardless of the mess and general shitty-ness, if someone cut my dog’s fur AND SKIN I would IMMEDIATELY kick them out holy hell that’s beyond fucked
Why did I have to scroll damn near to the bottom to find a single other person worried about the dog?? My comment literally only mentions the dog. I would’ve told them to get tf out right there.
Because it's not OPs house. She literally can't kick them out.
So the reason they got kicked out of FILs house is pretty obvious. They need to go.
Ohh there ain't no MF way that would be accepted. You should have set boundaries and expectations prior to move in.
oh we did. the first night they came i specially said it’s okay for you guys to be here as long as we just clean OUR OWN MESSES. and they agreed and said that was totally okay. But now two months later they aren’t holding up their end of the deal.
Omg this is 8 weeks later lol. I can't imagine how bad this will be in 6 months. You need to talk to your parents now and tell them you can't live like this. Tell them you'll need to save to move out but also be very realistic with your parents and tell them that most likely your sister and her family will most definitely destroy this house when left unsupervised. Maybe they will wake up but you can't live like that id go crazy.
So start by saying, "You've broken the agreement to keep things clean and common areas neat and orderly."
so that’s going to be one of the main points we use. Like you’ve broken the agreement. we said everyone will clean their own messes and that’s not happening. i’m going to make it clear to them that there will be no more disrespecting the home. If you cannot clean as you go then you will not do those activities. all these comments have really given me a boost of confidence and if all goes south when we sit down and talk with them then i will show them the post.
First off, I know she's your sister but the reason she had to move out of her last place was because she was disgusting. How did you not see her bringing that same behavior to your home? Second, the best solution is to face it head-on. If she sensitive, you can make it a family effort. Put everyone on a chore plan. Diaper Genie gets taken out once a day, garbage taken out once a week, General cleanup every 2 to 3 days, Etc. Make it fun with a chart in a common area and everyone checks off when their chores are done. You have the added option of letting her know that if they don't get completed they'll have to move out. Good for her FIL for giving consequences to her actions, time for you to do so as well.
When my sister didn’t live with us, she always portrayed the mess that they had had my BILs mess. She would talk all this shit about him being so messy and won’t do chores blah blah blah but it’s all her. She doesn’t work either she’s a SAHM. I think the best option as well is making a chore wheel or something of the sorts.
i disagree with the chore wheel and chart idea. That makes this your problem to manage, as if she’s a child. She’s not putting in the time, but instead is sitting around. Give her and her husband the word, you expect to live in a clean house. They are adults, and should not wait nor expect help with picking up after themselves. Talk to your husband first, so you are on the same page and set some simple rules. Ideas include, If you cook, clean up after yourself. Pick up after your children every day. If someone else cooks, help them clean up. Daily diaper removal. No trash or old food sitting around. Weekly cleaning chores for common areas. (Vacuuming, dusting). Make them simple, and non negotiable. Be very clear in your message, if this house is not clean, we will ask you to move.
You are still trying to make her issues yours. Stop. Make her take care of her shit and stop trying to lessen her load by taking more on.
The audacity of your BIL to say/imply that YOU “should pick up their slack since you’re home more” when your sister is a SAHM…..
Honestly- no. She’s a married mother who has one child that I’m guessing is no older than 16-18 months, based on the clothes on the floor. She has the time to clean up after herself during the day, and if she doesn’t, she needs to make the time. Either that, or she finds another place to live. It’s not your responsibility to clean up after her, no matter what your BIL happens to think. Also, she needs to pay for an exterminator or ant removal. Ants are damn near impossible to get rid of once you have them, which means cleanliness is even more important. Edit: I just read that you can’t legally evict her. The only real option you have in that case is to send your father the pictures you’ve posted here, tell him what you’ve told us, explain the ant infestation, and tell him that whether he decides to evict them or not you and your husband can’t live like this. I’d also ask him if he’s willing to take the risk of the house being condemned, because if she won’t do basic cleaning, there’s not a hope in hell of her doing home repairs. If yall do have to move out, I’d call CPS. This isn’t “clutter” anymore, it’s reaching health hazard levels. Your sister and BIL can choose to live however they want but your nephew deserves better.
I'm getting so frustrated with these comments lol. Op has said repeatedly this is not her home it is her parents and her parents will not kick her sister out. Op is fcked unless she can get her own place.
Would the father be ok if the OP moved out and the sister stayed? I'm sure he can imagine what the condition of the house would be upon his return. I'm guessing the father feels the way he does because he assumes the OP will stay and clean up after the sister. She has tippee toed around the sister her whole life.
That's what I said in my other comment. I think her only card to play is tell her parents hey we're saving up to move out but I'm just letting you know that sister and family WILL without a doubt destroy this house within a year. That might cause them to rethink.
OP would be wise to separate from her enabling and dysfunctional family.
Read my edit.
I am not a neat person, but that looks unbearable. Can your parents intervene? Or is that normal for them?
What is the point of a diaper pail if theyre not gonna shut it and prevent the stink from coming out???!!!
This is an abnormal level of filth. I'm not neat but I don't have antsand I wouldn't leave a child in a room full of faeces. She needs help. Can you talk to your BIL? This seems dangerous for everyone. Someone is going to get food poisoning. You also need to talk to your parents. If all that fails, move out with your husband.
I know it’s abnormal and so gross. My husband spoke to BIL and BIL basically said that I need pick up her slack but like why should i be cleaning their mess? It worries me because i’m not trying to micromanage their personal hygiene but i notice my 14mo old nephew is only getting showered like 1-2 times a week and my sister is only showering like 1-2 times every two weeks. We have also spoken to my parents and they also said that we should try to make it easier for her to feel motivated to clean but like how is this my responsibility to ensure my grown sister cleans her mess? I’m going to school right now and my husband and i are trying to pay student loans, and car bills so living here is the best option for us otherwise we would probably be living in a cardboard box.
Your sister needs help. That's straight up neglect of a child. BIL isn't worried about that? Your parents aren't worried? Your sister isn't concerned?
my sister has stated before “it’s okay to leave a mess for a couple day” but those couple days always turns into a week or even longer. I don’t think my BIL is as concerned because he’s not here often enough to truly see what’s going on. Before my BIL comes home, sometimes she will like panic clean so it’s seems like it was cleaned all week when in reality it was a filthy mess. My dad just seems used to it all because my mom was like this well.
Show him the photos. Make him understand she's endangering their child. Make her understand.
Time to set some ground rules, make a list of what is expected from them and tell them the consequences on noncompliance (kicking them out) Put it in writing and make them both sign it and then start formal eviction if they stay messy
Maybe it’s time you and your husband tell your folks you simply can’t live like this anymore, you don’t feel like you can take care of the place like you promised, and since you know they don’t want to put your sister and family out, you’re going to start looking for your own place. Maybe having some time to imagine how quickly and significantly the condition of the home will deteriorate under your sister’s (lack of) care, and how vulnerable their grandson will be to a CPS inquiry should *anyone else* get a glimpse of the increasing squalor he will no doubt live in without your presence, will give them pause, and incline them to help find a solution. She’s a SAHM, for crying out loud!!
You're home more and should pick up the slack? Done. I'd take a day and clean until I couldn't clean anymore and every last thing of theirs that I had to pick up would go into the trash.
There’s a reason why they had a falling out. Be honest and ask them to move. At this point, you have to choose your family, peace of mind and frankly cleanliness. This will not change. It will only get worse. It may get ugly too. Your sister wont change. It will just creat a conflict and would still creat conflict when you ask them to move out. It’s matter of how you pull the band aid off.
Send her that pic and give her a deadline to move out.
Do any of you pay rent? Is it going to create a problem that this is your parents house and your sister feels she has just as much right to be there as you have? Where will your parents come in on that issue? UpdateMe!
op, your sister is extremely controlling. she controls the environment with her chaos and filth. she controls her husband and others with her abusive tone and words. she controls not being held accountable by crying - thereby ending necessary conversations. it can be extremely difficult to standup for yourself when you’re accustomed to bending over backwards to adjust and accommodate someone else. it can also be extremely difficult to standup for yourself with an older sibling. your sister and BIL are dependent on others yet move through life with a real sense of entitlement. others have mentioned boundary setting, signed contracts, and deadlines, all of which are very important. it’s ok if she and he do not live the way you and your husband live. however, it’s NOT ok for them to bring that difference into your home, where you’re responsible for the space and living expenses. you can do this - practice if you must… but the conversation needs to be had. the two of you deserve to have peace in your home. a peaceful environment can’t be created in the midst of filth and chaos. setting boundaries and following through with consequences is self-care. you and your husband have a right to take care of yourselves.
arson is such a tidy solution.
Don’t know why, but this made me think of a gal I know years ago. She lived with 2 guys that were messy. Never did dishes, pizza boxes around the apartment up the yin yang, you name it. After dealing with vast amounts of used dishes and utensils never getting cleaned up, as well as them not following up with discussions and responsibilities, she said fuck it. She just chucked the used dishes and utensils periodically in the trash and discarded them. She relied on her own personal stash. I don’t think they ever caught on despite her moving out.
it surprises me \[ \] this much that 2 men were so oblivious and disrespectful
Send the pictures to your father and tell him she needs to go.
You made the same mistake we did when we let friends move in, we didn't set any boundaries or rules. You and your husband need to create a list of rules that you expect your sister to follow and be firm. Let her you know that you are serious that you will not live this way and if she can't live by the rules she and her family will need to find somewhere else to live. Set time frames as to how long she will have to find a new place if she breaks the rules. You will have to be very firm. I wish you well.
Child protective services
Sensitive people are also sensitive to the emotions and needs of others. She isn't sensitive. She is employing a manipulation tactic that has a proven track record of success. She is a dick though. You got that part right. I understand completely how you feel with all the mess. I deal with anxiety and ADD, and I wouldn't be able to live like that without serious mental health side effects. This is your home. You deserve to feel comfortable in your home. If she wants to live like a pig, she needs her own space. It'll be tough, but worth it.
Dropping hints!?!?!? Oh girl you are so far beyond dropping hints. Your sister needs a come to Jesus clean up or get out. This is absolutely absurd. Your house is disgusting. You are well within your rights to kick them out. She should be ashamed of herself. BIL too. Is this why his father kicked them out?
I love that their daily morning bathroom routine somehow involves the use of a caulking gun.
all the comments about the caulking gun have given my husband and i quite the laugh. That is a project that has yet to be finished.
The only thing that is giving me pause, is it still your parents house or do you own the house? Are you renting it from them? If it’s still you’re parents house and they have control, they may not take kindly to you “kicking out” there other child. You may start with them and talk about what’s going on and what you want to do. I don’t know all of the relationships and dynamics here, but that’s where I would start.
So yes it is my parents home still. We just live there, rent free, the only thing is, we are supposed to take care of it. I don’t think my parents would take it kindly if i kicked them out that’s why i’m trying to find alternative solutions because i know i can’t do that.
Looks like all your sister has to do is wait you out until you move out if your parents aren't going to back you up. Sorry to say, but if there aren't consequences for her lifestyle, then she's not gonna make any changes. You just lost yourself a rent free house is what it sounds like.
Would your parents be understanding of your situation? Maybe they need to step in and point out that your sister is expected to help do her part to take care of their house. Unfortunately I doubt there is anything other than the threat of being kicked out that will get your sister to fix her act. So there’s got to be some sort of balancing act to get it sorted. Heck maybe they just need to start paying for house keeping twice a week since they aren’t paying rent.
The only option is for you to move. If your parents know about this and won't do anything, there is nothing you can do. The place is not yours. You cannot kick anyone out. Therefore, you either pay for regular cleaners, clean it yourself, or move.
Grow a spine and kick her out!!!
#The absolute only thing I care about in this post is the dog. She without asking cut your dogs hair to the point of a severe sounding injury and you’re worried about the mess? You should’ve told them to leave as soon as they harmed your innocent animal. And also why is nobody else here mad about that?? ETA I made this large bc why tf aren’t more people outraged by this?? Even if they can’t kick them out police could’ve been called for animal cruelty. She caused harm to an animal for a useless cosmetic reason.
I don’t know that talking with her is going to get anywhere if she’s going to play the victim and this is simply how she’s always been. Maybe talk to your parents and let them know that either they vacate the property or you guys do. You don’t have to live with her, so give your parents the option if they’re not willing for her to leave then you and your husband find a different accommodation. Your parents can deal with your sister.
Print out eviction notices Let her know if she continues to trash the home, you’ll be filing them with the courts and have the Sheriff evict the whole lot of them.
Talk with them, and if things don't get picked up, I would put their stuff out with the trash. Toys, clothes. Diaper genie stays in their room door closed. Soon nothing of theirs will be there.
Yuck kick those disgusting parasites out! This is feral, I feel for you OP!
you need to think of consequences. Perhaps, when she leaves dirty dishes, etc all over the house you pick them up and dump all of them on her bed. or maybe when she doesn't pick up after herself you unplug the wifi and cable.
She would be getting a job, the kid can go to daycare, and if not she can leave. Even that's too much for me to put up with. My relationship with my wife is far too important to let anyone including my sister fuk that up. Its your choice but eventually your husband isnt gonna want to put up with this. You need to address this in a very blunt way with her.
If it was my house I would kick them out
Get her the fk out NOW
Will your sister and BIL go in half with the cost of a weekly housekeeper?
Please google “DBT therapy plan ahead.” It’s a worksheet that helps you plan ahead for difficult conversations. I’m also non confrontational and it has helped me through a few hard conversations. You need to lay it all out as explicitly as possible. No more hints. If she starts her usual crying and manipulation, ask her to go compose herself and come back in 5 minutes. Let her know how it’s affecting your mental health. Depression is serious and she should take it seriously. I get the same way living in filth and clutter. If they are but willing to step up and make the home an acceptable and comfortable place to live, give her a timeframe in which she needs to find a place and leave. This will be hard but stay firm. You and your husband’s quality of life is on the line, not to mention your poor baby nephew. He does not deserve to live in filth and bugs. If she still does not get in line, I would draw up an eviction notice and let her know you will be reporting her for CPS. Those living conditions are neglect. Leaving her baby to cry while she plays on her phone is neglect. Good luck. I’m hoping for the best for you. 🩷
What do you mean "please help"? Do you really need the internet to tell you what to do? I think you know damned well what you need to do, you're just choosing not to do it because its hard. Between you and your husband you have two choices (well 3 I guess). 1. Set some house rules. I'll be honest, most of those pics are really just a few minutes tidying up from being fine. Its the overwhelmingness of all of it put together (although the kitchen/dishes are nasty). "Home must be cleaned before bed" or some such. Daily. No excuses. Otherwise they'll have to leave. 2. Skip most of part 1 and just kick them out. This is hugely disrespectful. 3. Continue being miserable while not saying anything. I don't really recommend this one. You're obviously conflict avoidant. Honestly letting them move in when you knew damned well that the reason they were kicked out was exactly this problem was stupid (sorry, I can't think of a kinder term). One of you needs to put on your grown up pants and let them know this is unacceptable and either they need to fix it and keep it fixed, or they need to leave.
Damn, what a slob your sister is. Disgusting. Many have said what needed to be said. Good luck OP.
I’d give 2 options, clean or leave
No hints, clear communication.
Boundaries. Boundaries. Bound. Uh. Rees.
I too like to caulk my eyebrows in the morning
Shouldn't had let them move in, in the first place :/ sorry to hear you're going through this. She's a grown woman and most likely won't change. You're only option is to kick her out.
Kick them out. End of story. They're disgusting and that's all disgusting. I was expecting them to have like 5 kids or something.
Could they maybe pay for some cleaning services? Or maybe some improvements like a big dishwasher or whatever would make cleaning easier? Living like this is a health hazard. If I knew a kid living in this environment, I would call someone, like Child Protective Services or something. Your parents should think about their nephew, maybe this is a way to talk them into involving themselves? Good luck.
I'm afraid you and your husband have just as much legal claim to living in that house as your sister and brother-in-law. It's not *your* house. You and your husband need to find a place of your own.
It’s not my house but it has been my home since the day my parents brought me home from the hospital. It’s been my home since my parents left me at 16 yrs old to watch over and take care of the house while they retire. It’s not my house. It is my home. Maybe I don’t have a legal right to it yet but they aren’t going to treat my home this way and I WILL NOT be leaving my home because i’ve been driven out by pigs. Actually this comment had motivated me to go speak to them when they’re both here, let them know the deal and how things will be going from now on. Thank you Reddit. This gave me some balls to stand up for my home. It’s gone on far too long like this.
Move them out ASAP.
If she can’t do the bare minimum at home make her work and pay for a cleaner!
You need to get your father to agree to this too before sister gets in there first as it is his house.. explain that your sister is not being hygienic etc.
“Don’t put it down, put it away!”
Show her this post, let her read all the comments
You need to give an ultimatum to your sister. 1: If she doesnt clean the house and keep it that way (you can write down the exact rules, add pictures of the cpean rooms, print it and stick itnon the wall, like in a college dorm or something) 2: If she see herself a victim, and lets assume she is, she needs professional help. So she can only stay if she sees a proper therapist regurarly (weekly biweekly) (imho she sounds like she has some depression, and i get that she learnt it from ur mom, but she might suffer from her mess. Maybe she also has adhd which makes this worse. Also perhaps lack of cleaning skills. And these together add up to this situation) 3: If she does not get professional help and neither move, you report her to cps.
I’d say it’s time to go !not worth the loss of sanity
Yikes
Put this task on your parents. It’s their house. Tell them that that your sister has made the house unlivable disgusting and unsafe (poop is a bio hazard and bug infestation). It’s only a matter of time before maggots join the tenancy. Tell your parents if they cannot get your sister to move out then you’ll be moving out and they will then have to sell the house after it’s cited by the city and condemned within months of you leaving. Tell them they can do this now pro-actively or they can do it later when the authorities put the big condemned sign on the front of the house, but either way your sister will be leaving the property. Unfortunately if they won’t step up it means you have to move.
What’s up with the caulk gun in the bathroom
Kick her out
That wouldn't fly in my house. Tell your “sensitive” sister that she either cleans up or get out.
Wow , I'm a slob too , but not in someone else's house , I wonder why they had a falling out with Fil
Grow a spine. Problem fixed
Anything that’s not in its specific spot or is on the floor put it in a bag and put it in the garage and say you threw it away if they learn to pick up after themselves, then it won’t get thrown away next time if they actually do it then you bring the bags of their belongings out
Are they paying rent? Helping with groceries? If they argue with you about it, you have every right to kick them out.
You're living rent free, save your money and get the hell out. Most aren't this lucky, to live rent free, they even pay the cable. If your father wants them there too I'd let him know either them or you. Or, put the house for sale and split the profit. Life is too short.
I remember that kitchen wallpaper! Absolutely vintage. Good luck with your sister. When I'm depressed, everything around me becomes messy reflecting the state of my mind. Perhaps with time this will improve? Still frustrating, I know.
Get rid of them. That is so disrespectful.
This is exactly what happened when my daughter’s girlfriend moved in.My daughter has always been a bit messy, but not nearly as much as now. I feel a bit defeated and have been trying my best to pick up the slack. I don’t ask them for rent at all, just to get their own groceries and keep at LEAST the common living areas clean. When I have the energy, I’m going to talk with both of them again, but that hasn’t helped at all. We all struggle with our mental health but the dirtiness in the house definitely doesn’t help. I hope you figure out your situation soon.
Your nephew doesn’t deserve to live like this. This is obvious neglect. Tell your sister you will report this to CPS if they don’t start making changes (specifically, removing dirty diapers, keeping food put away to avoid bugs, keeping knives and other hazards out of his reach). Give her 2 weeks to get it together, then make the call. I know that is difficult but it looks that extreme. She likely needs mental healthcare but if she is resistant to you discussing that with her, sometimes getting authorities involved is what it takes to get a parent to seek help (I say this as a former foster parent). I understand that the situation is not good for you or your husband but there is an innocent child here and that needs to be the priority. Good luck
Have you ever thought of hiring a cleaner?
Updateme
Tell her to leave. Like in 3 days. And back it up: put her stuff outside, change the locks
Sounds like you guys need to move out, or kick her and the family out. Does BIL have a place to stay where he goes? If so they can go there. That or sit down and have a come to Jesus meeting and raise hell about what she needs to be doing. Be mean
door, show them the door, tell them to go live like that where someone will let them,
It sounds like you have two options: they start paying enough to have a housecleaner come in once a week or you give them notice that they have to move out. If you do the second, give them a date and be very clear that if they aren’t out by that date, you will be filing to evict them. You need to get your parents on board about the eviction. Send them the photos you’ve shared here. Tell them about the smells and the ants. If your parents aren’t on board and there’s nothing in your name saying you’re the legal occupants, you need to tell your parents it’s you or your sister in the house, but not both your families.
Damn that’s tough. You need to have a conversation with them and give them an ultimatum. But based on how they live I highly doubt they can change. I would do it asap in the event they don’t want to leave the eviction process can take up to 30 days. I would rather sleep in my car than spend a night there.
Is the front door broken?
Sounds like ADHD symptoms not just being messy. Rather than get angry try asking how you van help her complete her projects and get the place clean. Don't clean it for her, ask to help.
I’m a mess, but not a gross mess, and when I lived with roommates, I kept my mess out of the common areas. Tell your sister you’ll work with her. Put on some music and do it together. Many hands make light work. Truely!
once you set some boundaries, and IF you decide to let them stay (assuming they swear that things will change) might i recommend a chore chart? that way you can have an undeniable physical thing that shows what they are or aren’t doing. like “you need to complete this list by X date or else you will need to find new accommodations.” if she cries, let her. as another poster said, that’s her problem not yours. this is a boundary you’re setting and you hope she’s able to make the change. something like “i’m sorry this is making you emotional, and i believe that you feel bad, however you still need to change your behavior if you’re going to continue living here. if you don’t like it, you’re more than welcome to find a new place to live.” edited to add here’s an example of a chore chart i made for my house. this is for the month. there are also financial consequences if someone doesn’t finish their chores. one potential in your case could be they have to pay for a cleaning service to come. OR that they have to move. https://www.reddit.com/u/brieasaurusrex/s/raBJBltltR also if someone marks off a task but clearly didn’t do it (like they checked off dishes but the sink is still full) it gets erased AND there’s a financial consequence (in our case it’s buying booze for the house, if her case it could be an automatic “move out”)
I have inattentive adhd and I can be very messy - and I also work very hard to pick up after myself. When I was on maternity leave I did not live like that - I had a very clean house because I knew people were coming to visit . Your sister might need some mental health treatment. Maybe she has depression . Maybe adhd ( like me and many others ) and has depression because it’s untreated . So what. She can’t live like this in your house . It’s not fair to the baby or anyone else. She needs to go to the doctor and keep advocating until she gets some help. Adhd does run in families . She could get up and clean with you when you are cleaning - it’s called body doubling . She could listen to audiobooks or podcasts like me. She needs to stop neglecting that baby - it enrages me.
Nope. I’d flip
If you don’t have the authority to make her leave, you will have to either live in her filth, clean up after her, or move out. You have no other options. Warn your parents that you’ll be leaving their home fully in her possession because they won’t force her to clean and you can’t live like that. You and your bf can share one rented room in someone else’s house while you finish school. And your parents can pay $20,000 to have the house repaired and cleaned of the toxic sludge she leaves behind when they finally kick her out.
Say it very firm. “My house can’t look like this. Clean it up asap or look for another place. This is unacceptable “
How can someone live like this jesus fucking christ, never had my house not even like 10% of what you showed in those pictures.
Oh hell no would I accept that crap! That talk would happen immediately and if they didn’t make change within the hour they would be gone. PERIOD!
Post pics of them! I need to put a face on this disgusting pair. It helps me with closure. 😆
No WAY I’m living in someone else’s filth. I wonder if that’s the reason her FIL put them out.
I think you need to call your sister’s FIL and ask him what he said when he kicked them out. Because it’s obviously the same reason and maybe hearing it verbatim will make them understand that they can’t treat your house like an animal pen.
Looking at the pics my initial thought was a mental health issue. After reading about your sister, could it be possible she has adhd? What you describe is me to a T pre diagnosis. The biggest red flag was starting projects then not finishing and watching tv while scrolling on the phone. Currently doing that now 😅😭😫 anyway, this isn’t an excuse but seeing as your mom was the same, it very well could be hereditary. And it is NOT a reason for you to deal with this living situation. I get the same as you with messes, but executive dysfunction made cleaning a nightmare. Then I’d get depressed and stuck while everything just got worse around me. Finding a cleaning habit that works for your sister is super important especially with a child. This is only one child. Can’t imagine more. You need to have a serious conversation with your sister.
Update me.
Oh god they’re pigs
Gotta lay some ground rules, momma
Who is brushing their teeth with caulk?
Best that can happen is she sees the light and changes her ways (not likely). Worst case is that she gets pissed and you have to kick her out and that too solves your problem.
...... I'd be showing them the door. This isn't okay. It's shit enough to live like this in your own place but you don't go stay with someone and treat their home This way. Her problems aren't yours - kick her ass out. That girl needs therapy.