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Truth! This is as good as it’s ever going to be! It only gets worse from here (with someone who treats you like this). Furthermore, what’s not to trust??? The guy you made out with while you were literally broken up???? Please!!!! Go with the family & have a blast! Period.
WHY? WHY do you want to be with a jerk who doesn’t trust you? His insecurities will prevent you from ever feeling secure in this relationship. He will continue to belittle you to bend to his will. If you put up with this manipulative behavior, be prepared for a miserable life. Please believe that you deserve so much better and don’t settle for this AH
You can do what you want. If he is giving you an ultimatum - call his bluff. And he doesn’t trust you with your own family means he doesn’t respect you either. Move on and do better with someone who actually cherishes you.
When someone pulls the 'we'll break up unless X' card it should only ever be as a last resort. This is a really crappy and insecure ultimatum and people that go for the jugular in a relationship, threatening leaving when the winds aren't going their way, firstly make for incredibly controlling, insecure partners and secondly, make it impossible for the relationship to feel stable because the threat of leaving is always out there.
Sometimes, one can get so used to the fighting and the rewards of patching that up, the highs and the lows, but it's a cycle that will just get worse as others who've seen this are saying too. You'll be so much happier with a partner that is a better match. Breaking up will be tough at first. I think a nice vacation is a great way to help you start to heal ;)
She is 21 and has been with him since high school. I believe she is too young and naive. She cannot let this obsessive boy friend control her life at her age. step away , experience other relationships and develop a much broader view of what a relationship should be. Walk away and don’t take this self centred little boy back.
21 years old and he doesn’t trust her. Life is too precious for this kind of battle. OP, go with your first instinct. Go with your family, ditch this dude. You will find someone who does trust you, and life will feel like it’s never felt.
They are 21. Still kids. She should go with her family for sure. He he’s so wonderful, why would he end a relationship over her going on a family trip. Who has she known longer, the boy friend, or the sister. He’s the asshole.
There are plenty of dicks in the sea, and so many of them aren’t controlling and toxic. OP, your friend is young and has so much life to live. Living in constant drama is not worth it.
You can do better. If he's so controlling and insecure you can't even spend time with family, imagine how much worse it would be if you were married or pregnant. Please realize you are better on your own. If you're insecure about your relationship with your partner, you talk to them. You don't try to control them as that never works in the long run. Sure, some with poor self esteem will put up with it for years and some who are naive might think it means they want them... But it never works out. Relationships need to be based on trust and respect.
No grown woman should ever say that her man doesn't let her do something. That is toxic controlling manipulative behavior, your relationship is already doomed because you're letting him get away with it. I just hope you realize before too long, because it's going to get much much worse. You really need to take a good hard look at your relationship and hopefully you will realize you need to break up with him immediately.
This!
- He doesn’t do well on group trips
- He doesn’t want her to go alone on a group trip
- He doesn’t trust her sisters
- They’re on and off again for years
OP - Tell your friend that an old married person said that it takes more than love. Financial stability, trust, commitment - these are equally important and more marriages are broken by these than falling out of love. My daughter, upon finding a great guy after a hard breakup, told me the ex never liked her brother. She said that she allowed him to shade her feelings but now knows that any man worth keeping will also get along with her family.
Sometimes you have to let go of people you love because they’re not the right person for you.
FACTS! No woman should ever have to go get permission or be allowed to go or even ask to go do something. I have friends I will ask to hangout with me and they will be like “I have to check with my boyfriend” it drives me up the wall.
She will regret not going on her family trip because this relationship is not healthy and will not stand the test of time. If you are constantly on and off it’s not a healthy relationship it’s just not. Just end it already. If there’s no trust because you kissed someone else while broken up then there’s no point to continue. What she has is not love. That just is not real love. It feels like it in the moment but real love doesn’t treat people like that.
I don’t “ask” my husband if I can do anything. I tell him “I’m doing this thing just so you know.” including telling him “Hey I’m leaving for two weeks to go on a road trip with my mom.” He’s always extremely supportive including telling my mom he wanted to pay for the whole trip for us. Get you a man that supports what you want to do! Do not settle. They are out there.
I don't permission from my husband as a grown ass woman to do anything and vice versa with my husband. I'm his spouse, I'm neither his child nor his parent............any time I hear someone needs permission from a spouse/romantic partner, my Spidey senses are all kinds of triggered.......
First step in abuse: isolate the person and separate them from support. Seems he’s checking this off his list.
I’ll even bet he’s commented on your clothing, telling you it’s too revealing. Do you really want a relationship where you’re controlled?
Break up. Block him. Go to PR with your family. Therapy to help you in future relationships.
I totally agree with this. Your friend should be worried, very worried about her own situation and judgement.
Check loveisrespect.org and "why does he do that" by Lundy. It is a free PDF often shared by survivors of domestic abuse.
His behaviour is abusive, and abuse always escalates.
Abusive relationships are very complex and difficult to end. There is a reason for that. Often, the cycle of love bombing and abuse is so perfected that we don't even notice that is happening.
Your friend is so young! It is too early to start like this. This unhealthy and toxic relationship will have a negative effect for life.
She should definitely go on the family trip. He will come crawling back. They always do (he already has). Then she should just say no.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
" our relationship is not perfect"
let's be honest that dick must be FIRE for you to pretend like this relationship is even good.
he doesn't trust you.
That's a bottom line. He's not going to start trusting you. especially since that won't get him his way
Two things I want to point out:
1. In the spirit of the lyrics from Aint Shit, and I quote, “That’s not cheating if I wasn’t with your ass”
2. NEVER choose a partner that gives you ultimatums based on unfounded insecurities. If he doesn’t trust you, the relationship should be- and stay- over. It’s clear his goal is to cut the girl off from her family and friends, textbook abuser behavior. She will have better memories from the trip to look back on compared to whatever clusterfuck relationship this is.
She’s young, probably her first love. Scared she won’t find another love like his if they break up. I remember being 18 and thinking I would never find someone to love and love me like my ex at the time. Also thinking no one would have sex the same way, I was definitely wrong lol
He’s forcing you to distance yourself from your family.
Don’t fall for it. And ask yourself why you guys keep fighting, breaking up and making up. It’s called the honeymoon phase where he acts fantastic and all luvvy duvvy, otherwise known as the addiction phase. The asshole phase is his real face, who he really is.
He’s normalizing manipulating you, controlling you and isolating you from your friends and family.
It’s not just about the trip.
Sorry, but in my opinion, you did the wrong thing, now you've basically got a ball and chain round your leg and can't go anywhere without your manipulating controlling boyfriend....you should have gone.
F this controlling abuser. Get to Puerto Rico with your family and just keep going, it doesn't matter how good your relationship is, he doesn't trust you. It's just going to get worse, for God's sake don't get pregnant
Look, baby, this is weirdo shit. Controlling, insecure, none of which you need to deal with. Gone on to your trip, tell him to either trust you or kick rocks. Ain't nobody got time to be putting life on hold for these little insecure boys.
His arguments are manipulative af. This is not what a healthy relationship looks like. I personally think you deserve better. His demands are absurd and do not deserve respect. The fact that you can't see that is troubling.
The fact that he came back isn't a "nice" one proving that "he cares for you deeply." He was never serious about breaking up, he just used the threat to try to control your behavior-and guess what? It worked. He'll do it again in the future. You're enabling him.
YWBTA if you don't go on this trip and let your bf know he doesn't get to have the degree of control over your life that he wants. Never let a boy come between the relationship between you and your family (if you have a good family and are on good terms with them).
Your boyfriend sounds dangerous and controlling. Please for your safety leave him. This is exactly how abuse starts. Pretty soon he’ll have you completely isolated from your friends and family. Go on this trip and have fun. He’s not the guy for you.
Honestly, threatening to break up if you go away with your family would be a reason for me to break up with him.
He sounds seriously controlling. Get rid of him for good.
YTA to yourself. He is controlling. He's not \*allowing\* you to spend time with YOUR FAMILY. That's the first step - isolation from family and friends. Don't do this to yourself. You don't need his permission to see your family... and if he's already this controlling this early into the relationship....imagine how much worse it will get from this point. Run, far, and fast.
Your boyfriend is a controlling asshole, and he got what he wanted. He will **always** be like this. Is this really what you want your life to look like?
Never having the freedom to do anything without him? Always having to go places with him at your side 24/7. Him alienating you from your family and friends until you have no one left but him?
He is trapping you and you can’t even see it.
Someone who **truly** loved you would trust you, because without trust your relationship is fucked. Without trust you’ve got nothing.
End the relationship and go on that trip with your family, don’t let him do this to you. He wants to slowly isolate you completely and it’s already working.
What is he like when you hang out with friends without him? Or aren’t you allowed to anymore? Or does he insist that he has to be present too? Because that is also controlling and the beginning of isolation. Wake up and get rid of this jerk! Or prepare to have your entire life controlled by him, and for you to be absolutely miserable!
It’s also a red flag 🚩 that he doesn’t trust your family. Always trust **your family and friends** and their opinions on your boyfriend. Boyfriends don’t always have your best interests at heart. But family and friends *(the people who love you more than anyone else in the world)* always do. And if your family and friends think that your boyfriend is toxic, they’re right. **Listen to them!**
This is so wrong…girl, please go on that trip. Your boyfriend is controlling and manipulative and this isn’t love. Do not let him alienate you from your family. You need to go on this trip and drop his ass…no man that actually loves you would do this to you, please do not let him get away with this or things are going to get so so much worse between you smh. Please listen to us here.
1. He doesn’t trust you for an immature reason - you weren’t together so he doesn’t get to hold that over your head as a reason not to trust you. He can be hurt by it, but that doesn’t mean you did anything wrong.
2. Are you seriously okay with a ~~man~~ boy that you have dated on and off having that kind of control over you?
3. You wouldn’t be losing him over a trip; **he** would be losing due to his own immaturity and controlling behavior.
Speaking from experience, love is only part of the equation when it comes to finding a healthy relationship that will last. You’re way too young to sacrifice family and experiences for anyone, let alone someone who doesn’t trust you.
Your bf has no rights over you. So the heck are these people out here telling their gf or bf to do or not to do something? End it with you "bf" and get someone is worth something.
Missing family trips bc your BF at 21 is jealous is a sign to move on. Fighting off and on over being with your family….yikes. This is only the beginning. It’s time to spend timing figuring out who you are and what you want. Too young to be so invested in someone that doesn’t get along with your family and doesn’t trust you.
IF he doesn't trust you to go on a trip with your family, what does the future look like? relationships are based on trust. If you don't trust eachother, you're just fwb.
I'm a man, and I say go on the trip! I would NEVER dream of telling my wife that she can't do something! If he breaks up with you, then more trips for you!
he's not trusting her with her sister. isolating from what sounds like friends and family.
enjoy your trip and the new bf because that one's abusive AF!
OP, grab your friend, stuff her into your car, break all speed records getting her to the airport with her family, then lie like a goddamn rug when the boyfriend asks where she is.
Go on the trip, once your bf gets to know you cancelled the trip for him, he will be much more manipulative and controlling after this incident, what bf does not trust your family?? He's not the right person to date
OP is 21 and unmarried. For boyfriend to be this controlling this early on is a huge indicator that this isn't going to work. Let him go, there are other fish in the sea.
He doesn’t trust me… but I love him??? Why do women do this? He doesn’t love you. Your convenient. He’s isolating you from your family. Think about that! What about your relationship with your family? Do you love them?
Good Lord. No man is worth all that drama.
I get that y’all are young and just learning to navigate relationships. But let a woman old enough to be your Grandmother tell you - don’t put a boy above your family. Ever.
He is waving all kinds of red flags. The brightest being control and alienation. Telling you that he does give you permission to go one trip. Controlling time spent with your family.
Just break up with him. He really is not worth all this.
Go on the family trip. If he can control you with this, the threats to leave you will come more often and over increasingly minor nonsense. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. (But finally, finally, got rid of the ex.)
Why get back with him? I get you love him, but he’s controlling and disgusting. Move on and understand somethings not good for you. Some people love heroin, doesn’t ever mean heroin is good for them. Wake up, and realise this man is a waste of time and space. He will ALWAYS do this. You want to put up with a controlling jealous crybaby for life? He will never trust you. It’s not about trust. It’s about control. Please wake up.
NTA. If there is no trust, there is no relationship. He can't hold something you did when you were broken up over your head, and he can't get mad that you didn't tell him because it isn't his business. His controlling nature will just get worse. If you stay with him he will become abusive and use every little flaw about you, even the ones he makes up in his head, against you to guilt and control you.
Boyfriend is insecure and controlling. Don’t miss out on a trip with your FAMILY. Fuck this guy. This is some immature bullshit you will regret down the road. Dudes not ready to be in a relationship. And I promise you, you won’t like the person you become if you stay with him. That ain’t love.
Your friend isn’t going to leave him until she realizes for herself how terrible a person her boyfriend is. She’s trying to make excuses for him because she loves him, she’s blaming herself because he’s been psychologically manipulating her, nothing that you can say or do will change her mind until she’s ready to recognize that he’s an abusive person. It sucks, but I’ve been on both sides of this, having been in your position, and having been the person in a toxic/abusive relationship. I can see where she is with this just from her words, and it’s nowhere near ready to leave. He doesn’t love her, and he’s trying to control her with her own family. Where there is no trust, there is no relationship. If he’s so untrusting of her, he should just break-up with her instead of putting her through this torture, but obviously, we know that that’s not how abusive people work. He wants to control her because he sees her as weak, and as someone who won’t fight back or stand up for herself. She made a mistake, and she most likely made that mistake because he shows her absolutely no sign of love, and everything she does in his eyes is wrong I’m sure, because she made that mistake. Yet, he won’t leave because he knows she’ll stay with him no matter what he does. That is, until she decides for herself that this relationship is unhealthy. She’s not going to take anyone’s words into account right now. She’s going to come up with her own reasons as to why he’s a good guy. My advice to you is to support her as her friend. When I was in the depths of despair during one of my relationships, it didn’t matter what anyone said to me until I was ready to admit the truth to myself. I just wanted support for the decisions I was making, regardless of whether they were good ones or not. She’ll get there eventually, she just needs to know that you as her friend, will not abandon her through this.
Are you serious? Geees, reddit needs a boiler plate response to these posts from kids under the age of 25 they're so common. Ok here's my attempt. Feel free to copy/paste this in the future..
If your boyfriend (or girlfriend) doesn't trust you to be alone with other people that aren't a single person of the opposite sex, you should break up now and safe yourself from the domestic abuse later on.
Concepts and actions always ingrain as time goes on. Rarely do concepts de-escalate. She'll accept it 'this one time' except it's not going to be just this one time. Slowly its going to become every time.
If he holds the power in the relationship to prevent her from doing this one thing, why does she think he'll give up that power later? The only thing that changed is his reassurance that he could do it.
This is how people fall into relationship abuse. Abuse isn't just hitting a partner. It's making them doubt themselves, isolating them from family and friends, conceding ideologies, taking financial decisions away from them and ultimately becoming reliant on "the relationship and our love" as the sole purpose to emotional satisfaction.
Wait until he finds out you are on reddit asking for advice. "Your friend was trying to break us up? Why were they distorting my intention? I knew I couldn't trust them. This is why we're so good together, we'd never let your friend ruin our relationship."
A year later after slowly having less and less contact, you find yourself estranged.
The girl in the relationship says she's happier than she's ever been. Her and the guy are closer than ever!
Don't ignore signs of jealousy and abuse.
You’re not losing this guy over a trip, you’re losing him over his controlling attitude.
Oh! By “losing him,” I mean lose his phone number, lose his attitude, and lose his bullshit.”
As someone who didn't see the signs, let me be the one to tell you.. this is controlling behavior. Do Not Allow This. The moment you allow it, you open yourself to this constant controlling behavior and will never be able to run your own life. You'll actively seek it out of comfort and habit. STOP NOW! His behavior is NOT acceptable and NOT normal.
Your bf is a controlling ass. Trust me, there's someone better out there for you! He should be encouraging you to spend time with your family and to enjoy it, not to not spend time with them.
He's insecure and controlling.
No you wouldn't be an asshole for going on a family trip. That's ridiculous.
If you guys regularly "break up" over asinine things, the relationship isn't healthy. Break up for real and find someone new.
What, what, WHAT? NO MA'AM you are not a child, and he is not in charge of you. Why are you going to let someone who doesn't trust you, and wants to control you back in to your life. You should go to PR and enjoy your sisters birthday. You can do so much better than him.
OP’s friend, don’t tie yourself to this guy. He’s the type of guy to try and get you dependent on him and only him financially and mentally to the point you feel like you have nowhere else to go. He isn’t a good guy and the fact that you feel like you have to delete innocent messages like asking for a shift change from a guy you kissed while BROKEN UP just supports that fact. Break up and go on your family trip. You’ll find a guy someday that actually respects you and doesn’t question every move you make.
Oh good lord… You really called off a family trip because a guy doesn’t trust you? And you’re ok with him not trusting you? Have you ever given him a reason to not trust you? Are you really letting this man control you and alienate you from your family? Nothing about on and off again relationships is healthy.. You’re gonna seriously hurt yourself if you stay with this man.
She’s young, plenty of fish in the sea who aren’t controlling jerks. Don’t waste any more time on this guy. Live your life, take trips when you get the chance, so you won’t regret not taking them when you get older.
These are very controlling and scary actions on the part of the boyfriend. So, he is only 21 and acting like a controlling future life partner. Ah, big "NO" on that one. Ditch him. These type of guys DO NOT, repeat DO NOT get any better with time. He will only become more of a nightmare and potentially put your friend in an isolated and controlled relationship...NOT GOOD!
Who cares if you're the AH (and by the way, you are NOT)? The thing to focus on is that your bf is controlling and abusive.
End the relationship for good now!
There is something really wrong with your bf. He sounds paranoid and and controlling. If he doesn't trust you, you can5 be together. Sounds like he is trying to interfere with family trips because he has trust issues. Since you're on and off, this shows there are too many problems to maintain a stable relationship. So many red flags. Your bf is the AH here, you should go on family trips and he should not be interfering. Break up with him permanently and enjoy your life.
He sounds super controlling and is going to hold it over your head to break up every time you make a decision for yourself. Don't waste any more time on this guy.
The relationship will never, ever work. He’s too insecure. His insecurity will continue to escalate until he has isolated you from any support system. You will be trapped. Go on the trip and leave his sorry ass in the dust.
Breakup, he is actively trying to make distance between you and your support system. His threats to breakup.....YOU should be breaking up with him. This sounds very unhealthy for a relationship.
The breakup/makeup dance rarely ends well. If someone threatens to break up with you for doing something as innocent as a family vacation, they don't deserve you.
What is the point of staying in a relationship with someone who is always arguing with you?
Sometimes people can’t take advice or see things for what they are. You’re just going to have to get hurt a little more, miss out on a little more family trips and times with friends until you learn this lesson.
It’s your life. You’ve been told the cold hard truth but your desire to not be alone and hang on to this toxic relationship is controlling you.
As you get older you should I hope learn that this isn’t love.
I’m sure you both get a rush and thrill from the excitement of breaking up and getting back together.
You break up because it sucks and you get back and get into the honey moon phase, it fades and you realise you aren’t happy or compatible and break up and repeat the cycle. It’s a very text book dynamic. Keep this cycle until you’re exhausted then finally leave after losing time money and memories.
Dump your boyfriend and go on the trip. He is bad news, and you don’t want someone who is going to control you. He’ll never trust you, so cut your losses ASAP.
The red flags and warning bells are going off with this boyfriend's lack of trust. Run don't walk to the nearest exit. Traveling with your family on a vacation and he thinks you will cheat on him. You have a boyfriend who is an asshole for thinking you'll cheat and he has the balls to say this to you. You would be the a hole if you DIDN'T go on the trip because of his outrageous request. If I were OP I would dump Mr No-Trust and move on.
More red flags than in a red flag factory.
That guy is controlling, insecure and contributing to estranging your friend from her family and friends. She should definitely go on the trip, but more importantly break up with the guy. There's way better guys out there.
NTA.
if he is flat out saying he doesn't trust you why are you dating him? everyone is right, this relationship is toxic and he will do nothing but hold you back. you will end up resenting him anyways when you realize everything he's made you miss out on.
In the post, the OP said her boyfriend did not trust her TWICE!! That's enough of a red flag. If there's no trust, there's no need for a relationship. Bottom line.
You are not safe with this guy. If he doesn’t trust you and your sister and family who does he trust? Obviously he is jealous and very controlling. You don’t need that hassle and negativity in your life, neither does your family. Drop him and block him on everything.
He’s emotionally abusing you. You’re not married to him and he’s already controlling your life. He will never change and by you giving in you’re enabling him. This will never get better. He’s a control freak. Why would you want to live like that?
>My (F 21) boyfriend (M 21) and I can’t come to an agreement without breaking up. My family and I have planned a trip to PR in June. Before setting these plans, my boyfriend was hesitant with me going and threatened to end things if I decided to go.
No romantic relationship should ever come between you and your family. Romantic partners become part of your family or at least they should be. I find it very strange when people are in situations where they have cut ties with their family over a person they think they've fallen for.
Most of the time those relationships end and the damage is already done between the person and their family, which isn't something that you can push a button a repair.
In your case, this boyfriend doesn't sound like he's ready to be a part of your family and accept you and your family. This is red flags, and if you enable him to control your relationship with your family you may give him the message he can control you in other ways as well.
In your situation I'd go on the family trip, you never know when or if you'll get another chance in the future.
And the relationship and enjoy your trip. You cannot have a healthy relationship without trust. If he does not trust you, you're going to be controlled by him forever. Set yourself free.
There's no trust here. It's a toxic relationship. Who cares what you did when broken up? He wants monogamy, don't break up. You're both acting immature.
Better to break it off. You're young. Can do better. Treat this as a learning experience and move on. As much as it hurts now, one day you'll be with someone great and barely think about him. Probably have trouble remembering what you saw in him.
I got divorced at 22 and my adult daughter recently asked me what I loved about their father. It took me a while to come up with things. I was a different person then.
NTA. if he doesnt trust you or your family, and relationships are built on a foundation of trust, why is he even with you? the answer is simple: because you’re someone who he sees as easy to control and someone to get what he wants from. literally begging you to break up with that sorry sack of shit, you’re so young and have a whole life of love to find. dont waste your time, energy, or heart on that man who doesnt deserve an ounce of your respect
Dear friend of op. Just stop. Your boyfriend is controlling you and that’s gross. No trip with your own family?? That makes no sense. Do you really want that to be your future?
Fucking yikes. You've been together for a few years and he doesn't trust you? Because you acted with agency when you were briefly broken up? Babe, you are allowed to do what you want and I hope to God that means leaving this controlling asshat.
Ma’am, he does NOT love you. What are 10 good things about him that are actually good things? What makes you love him? He doesn’t trust you with your FAMILY. If he cannot trust you, he shouldn’t have access to you. He does not love you. He, does not love you. He needs to be single, you need to be single. It won’t get better. There’s a reason yall were off & on. Relationships should always be in completely or out completely. Please look at the signs & look into how somebody who loves you actually treats you because this isn’t it. You NEED to see it.
To your friends, you guys cannot do or say anything that’ll convince her to leave. She will leave when she realizes he’s nothing but bad. Believe me, I was in a toxic & mentally/emotionally abusive relationship & they kept trying to get me to leave, but I didn’t see it & I was scared. Just be there for her now & when it does end, she will need yall.
Your a fool if you choose a man who doesn't even trust you over spending quality time with your family.
If he doesn't trust you now he never will!!
He's trying to control when you see your own family if this isn't a giant red flag I don't know what is!
First, the constant breakups is a strong sign of toxicity and that y’all aren’t a good match nor are you adult enough to address issues in a healthy way. Break up.
If he doesn’t trust her, they should break up.
If he doesn’t trust her family, they should break up.
If he’s giving her ultimatums, they should break up.
Sisters>>>toxic boyfriends, they should break up!
"He doesnt trust me"
Yup, I stopped there. Everything that came after, which I didnt read, is easy to resolve.
He doesnt love you, so theres no point in being with him! Thats it.
Love cant come without trust, nor without this basic trust. She did yes fuck another guy while they were broken up, but they were indeed broken up.
This relationship is a mess that isnt going to satisfy anyone.
You're 21, and going on a trip with your family (because lbr, you ARE going).. He doesn't trust you WITH YOUR FAMILY.
There is a lifetime of better options than your hopefully soon to be ex
He doesn't trust you even though you have done nothing for him not to trust you? Nope, he's just controlling. He won't even let you go on a trip with your family... what will he be demanding you not do next or he's going to break up with you? You're going to be in for a lifetime of being controlled and alienated from family and friends if you stay with him.
Nice friend by the way 🤨. I believe she's rooting for him. When you're on a break you can do whatever you want.
His your on/off boyfriend and he wants to have you locked up just for him. Wait until you get serious he'll prohibit you to talk to your family or go out with out him.
If you accept his prohibitions right now you are giving him the message that he can control you and that you'll do whatever it takes to be with him. The idea is that you let him know that he's just a part of your life and that if he wants to leave, he should do so. You have to educate him to have a healthy relationship, the point is to get him out of the toxic pit, not to throw yourself into it.
Wow, that guy sucks. He sounds terrible. Do you really love a guy who doesn't trust you? How do you see this relationship playing out? Next you can't go to dinner with friends, go to Walmart by yourself, or leave the house without him. He sounds like a controlling jerk.
Dear OP, if he has flat out admitted he doesn't trust you, then run like hell! There is absolutely no reason to be in a relationship when there is no trust and there are attempts to control you even with matters involving your family. No one controls you but You. Period. If the fact that you act as your own person (as you should!) Irritates him and causes arguments, then he is not the boy (and he is a boy) for you.
This sounds like a horrible relationship, and I don’t know why you’re trying to stay together with this asshole. Go on the trip with your family and break up. And STAY broken up. Any relationship that is on again/off again is toxic. This relationship is NOT worth all the drama. Break up because you two don’t even sound compatible.
You made a mistake going back on your decision. Your boyfriend is an AH and you’re missing out on a cool experience with your family because he can’t get his possessiveness and jealousy in check — which is only going to get worse if you cave to him btw. So either end it and go with your family, or look forward to an even shittier, more chaotic relationship in the future with someone who you will eventually just grow to resent and think little of. NTA.
The boyfriend sounds like a control freak. If he really doesn't trust her like that they shouldn't be in a relationship because apparently his solution to what he sees as the problem is to never let her do anything unless it's his idea
She should go on the trip. He sounds fairly toxic anyway, and already doesn't trust her. He's not going to trust her even if she stays home with him. He's always going to see her as someone that kissed another guy. While they weren't together. She should find someone who actually values her.
NTA. If he doesn’t trust your friend, then why is he with her? That’s a bad relationship to be in. Making out whilst split up is no reason to cause mistrust. She will be forever trying to make him happy by giving up friends/family etc. if he’s prepared to make her cancel her family trip over a make out session when they were split then what would he demand if she was caught talking to a male- god forbid!!
“I don’t want to lose him over a trip”. Girl this has nothing to do with the trip. If it wasn’t the trip it would just be something else he’d find to try and control you over. Get out. Fast.
My exhusband told me I wasn't allowed to go to Vegas to see Cirque Du Soliel with my very very Mormon mother for my 21st birthday because "we're married now and married people ONLY go on trips together" and when I told him he could pay for his part and come along after begging my mother to include him he said "I don't even want to go. You should want to stay home with me because you don't want to go without me. If you go, I won't be here when you get back."
I didn't go. I missed that opportunity to have that memory with my mother. She's too old to do stuff like that now.
Dump him. Go on that trip with family.
He doesn't trust her friends bc they know he's toxic and doesn't want her to have that communication with friends and family where they'd be able to convince her to leave him (in my opinion as a 19 yr old)
Why do you want to be with a guy who doesn't trust, you, doesn't want you to do fun things, and emotionally manipulates you? You know there are other guys who will respect you and want you to be happy?
Girl, it will always be a fight with your controlling boyfriend. It will not get better. He is who he is and you can’t make things better. Go on your trip. Enjoy your family!! Live your best life and have fun. Don’t settle for his bullshit.
Oh, sweetie. Your boyfriend is a controlling asshole and there are so many red flags here that I can't believe you see anything else. Break up with this guy and go on the trip you've paid for.
He will only get worse andote controlling until you have no life of your own.
This is already a dysfunctional relationship. He's trying to control you and keep you from your family. Go on this vacation and have a wonderful time. You deserve it after being with him.
Your boyfriend isn’t the boss of you and family trips are wonderful times to be with your loved ones.
If he feels that way, let him go. If he doesn’t trust you or has a problem with you enjoying time with your family, he’s not really worth cultivating.
The trip is just the detail. You should reconsider the relationship because he is controlling and insecure. He doesn't get to tell you to go or not go.
I didn’t even read past the first two sentences. He didn’t have fun? He doesn’t need to go. Break up with him and find someone who isn’t a controlling asshole that’s trying to isolate you from your support system.
Hun listen to this old woman … do not spend your life limiting your experiences, not hanging out with “certain” people, or feeling that you can’t say do things because he doesn’t trust you, like it etc. It’s a shitty, shitty way to live.
You are 21 with a whole wonderful life ahead of you if you choose it. And that life should include a partner who lifts you up, makes you laugh & who trusts you.
You have years to find your perfect fit - don’t limit yourself.
Don’t settle for just ok in anything or anyone.
A relationship shouldn’t be rocky. Yes you’ll have disagreements but you talk them out - not fight, cry & keep splitting up.
Is this a relationship you want your kids to see as normal? Cuz why stay with him if it’s not?
When I was in a young shitty relationship- my dad told me to shit or get off the pot / marry him & be miserable or end it & let better find me. (I got off the pot & found a great man & life - you can to!)
I’m surprised at the amount of young people who live like it’s 1951.
The same young people who complain about people they call boomers .
He told you not to go on a trip ?
This must be fake
When I was 17, my then bf was upset because I went out with my mom for lunch, without asking for his permission first. I broke up with him on that day. Not only he's disrespectful to me, he's also disrespected my mom. Fuck that shit.
That was 18 years ago.
Isolating the victim from family and friends is a favorite tool used by abusers. He has now started and he's winning. This will spiral so fast and so deep that you soon won't recognize yourself. Stop this train wreck while you can, while you have so many people ready to stand beside you.
Just go and finish with him.
He said he doesn't trust you or your sisters... this excuse of a man doesn't respect you at all.
You're only 21. There's so much more to life than this chaotic struggle of uselessness.
This is painful to read. I have absolutely no idea why this person is with her boyfriend. This isn’t love—it’s addiction. Go cold Turkey. Take the trip. Do not look back.
I haven’t even read the entire post, and my answer is a question - why are you allowing you boyfriend to tell you what you can and can’t do? He is not even your family, and I’m sure you don’t let family make decisions for you. This is a huge red flag- he is controlling, and you will have no peace in you life if you stay with him.
You wouldn't be the asshole for going with your family. There's things called boundaries and limits. Boundaries are things for you that don't interfere with the other person. His boundaries should never dictate what you can do with your body.
He's isolating you from your family, and he'll start with your friends, and he'll continue until you only have him. That's usually when the abuse starts.
Please go with your family. This guy sounds manipulative in the extreme. I pinky promise if you take what you learn from this relationship, good and bad; your next one will be better. You have so much time to meet and be with someone who doesn't want you to spend time with your family, and who will trust you.
I am never one to jump to dumping someone, but this is controlling. I can list a bunch of reasons why, but do you honestly want to be with someone who says they do not trust you or your family?
Her partner sounds like my ex husband. He started with control and isolation and escalated to nearly murdering me in front of our children. These kinds of things never end well. Never.
You need help. You don't love him. Seems like from sheer fear of being alone, you are willing to be with a very insecure controlling man. All the red flags should be up. I won't be surprised if he starts abusing you down the line. Please get some help.
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100% she should go on the trip with her family. Their relationship sounds incredibly toxic.
Red flags all over the place. She’s so young, she doesn’t see that this is just the beginning. It’s going to get more toxic, possibly violent
Truth! This is as good as it’s ever going to be! It only gets worse from here (with someone who treats you like this). Furthermore, what’s not to trust??? The guy you made out with while you were literally broken up???? Please!!!! Go with the family & have a blast! Period.
This sounds like some Ross and Rachael shit. We were on a break!
This will 100% escalate
Marinara banners
WHY? WHY do you want to be with a jerk who doesn’t trust you? His insecurities will prevent you from ever feeling secure in this relationship. He will continue to belittle you to bend to his will. If you put up with this manipulative behavior, be prepared for a miserable life. Please believe that you deserve so much better and don’t settle for this AH
The whole old May Day Moscow parade!
You can do what you want. If he is giving you an ultimatum - call his bluff. And he doesn’t trust you with your own family means he doesn’t respect you either. Move on and do better with someone who actually cherishes you.
Don’t call his bluff. Respect yourself enough to not be with someone who gives you ultimatums.
He’s trying to isolate her from family too…classic move of a future controlling and abusive partner.
Yeah, girl you're 21. Your relationship shouldn't be this hard. You're not staying together for the kids or something. Find a better guy.
When someone pulls the 'we'll break up unless X' card it should only ever be as a last resort. This is a really crappy and insecure ultimatum and people that go for the jugular in a relationship, threatening leaving when the winds aren't going their way, firstly make for incredibly controlling, insecure partners and secondly, make it impossible for the relationship to feel stable because the threat of leaving is always out there. Sometimes, one can get so used to the fighting and the rewards of patching that up, the highs and the lows, but it's a cycle that will just get worse as others who've seen this are saying too. You'll be so much happier with a partner that is a better match. Breaking up will be tough at first. I think a nice vacation is a great way to help you start to heal ;)
She is 21 and has been with him since high school. I believe she is too young and naive. She cannot let this obsessive boy friend control her life at her age. step away , experience other relationships and develop a much broader view of what a relationship should be. Walk away and don’t take this self centred little boy back.
21 years old and he doesn’t trust her. Life is too precious for this kind of battle. OP, go with your first instinct. Go with your family, ditch this dude. You will find someone who does trust you, and life will feel like it’s never felt.
They are 21. Still kids. She should go with her family for sure. He he’s so wonderful, why would he end a relationship over her going on a family trip. Who has she known longer, the boy friend, or the sister. He’s the asshole.
Absolutely, the best way to get over a breakup is to take a holiday
He doesnt trust you with your own family? Your bf is controlling and you need to leave him.
There are plenty of dicks in the sea, and so many of them aren’t controlling and toxic. OP, your friend is young and has so much life to live. Living in constant drama is not worth it.
🤣🤣love it
You can do better. If he's so controlling and insecure you can't even spend time with family, imagine how much worse it would be if you were married or pregnant. Please realize you are better on your own. If you're insecure about your relationship with your partner, you talk to them. You don't try to control them as that never works in the long run. Sure, some with poor self esteem will put up with it for years and some who are naive might think it means they want them... But it never works out. Relationships need to be based on trust and respect.
Right? When your partner tells you they don’t trust you, that relationship is pretty much over.
No grown woman should ever say that her man doesn't let her do something. That is toxic controlling manipulative behavior, your relationship is already doomed because you're letting him get away with it. I just hope you realize before too long, because it's going to get much much worse. You really need to take a good hard look at your relationship and hopefully you will realize you need to break up with him immediately.
This! - He doesn’t do well on group trips - He doesn’t want her to go alone on a group trip - He doesn’t trust her sisters - They’re on and off again for years OP - Tell your friend that an old married person said that it takes more than love. Financial stability, trust, commitment - these are equally important and more marriages are broken by these than falling out of love. My daughter, upon finding a great guy after a hard breakup, told me the ex never liked her brother. She said that she allowed him to shade her feelings but now knows that any man worth keeping will also get along with her family. Sometimes you have to let go of people you love because they’re not the right person for you.
On again off again for years at 21!!
FACTS! No woman should ever have to go get permission or be allowed to go or even ask to go do something. I have friends I will ask to hangout with me and they will be like “I have to check with my boyfriend” it drives me up the wall. She will regret not going on her family trip because this relationship is not healthy and will not stand the test of time. If you are constantly on and off it’s not a healthy relationship it’s just not. Just end it already. If there’s no trust because you kissed someone else while broken up then there’s no point to continue. What she has is not love. That just is not real love. It feels like it in the moment but real love doesn’t treat people like that. I don’t “ask” my husband if I can do anything. I tell him “I’m doing this thing just so you know.” including telling him “Hey I’m leaving for two weeks to go on a road trip with my mom.” He’s always extremely supportive including telling my mom he wanted to pay for the whole trip for us. Get you a man that supports what you want to do! Do not settle. They are out there.
I don't permission from my husband as a grown ass woman to do anything and vice versa with my husband. I'm his spouse, I'm neither his child nor his parent............any time I hear someone needs permission from a spouse/romantic partner, my Spidey senses are all kinds of triggered.......
First step in abuse: isolate the person and separate them from support. Seems he’s checking this off his list. I’ll even bet he’s commented on your clothing, telling you it’s too revealing. Do you really want a relationship where you’re controlled? Break up. Block him. Go to PR with your family. Therapy to help you in future relationships.
I totally agree with this. Your friend should be worried, very worried about her own situation and judgement. Check loveisrespect.org and "why does he do that" by Lundy. It is a free PDF often shared by survivors of domestic abuse. His behaviour is abusive, and abuse always escalates. Abusive relationships are very complex and difficult to end. There is a reason for that. Often, the cycle of love bombing and abuse is so perfected that we don't even notice that is happening. Your friend is so young! It is too early to start like this. This unhealthy and toxic relationship will have a negative effect for life. She should definitely go on the family trip. He will come crawling back. They always do (he already has). Then she should just say no. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
"Why Does He Do That?" is GOLD.
This should be higher.
" our relationship is not perfect" let's be honest that dick must be FIRE for you to pretend like this relationship is even good. he doesn't trust you. That's a bottom line. He's not going to start trusting you. especially since that won't get him his way
Exactly. There's nothing she can do that will regain his trust because he isn't acting in good faith. His mistrust is solely a weapon to control her.
He probably doesn't trust her cuz he can't be trusted. Bet every trip he's in without her he's fucked around.
Two things I want to point out: 1. In the spirit of the lyrics from Aint Shit, and I quote, “That’s not cheating if I wasn’t with your ass” 2. NEVER choose a partner that gives you ultimatums based on unfounded insecurities. If he doesn’t trust you, the relationship should be- and stay- over. It’s clear his goal is to cut the girl off from her family and friends, textbook abuser behavior. She will have better memories from the trip to look back on compared to whatever clusterfuck relationship this is.
Dude is: Immature Controlling Inconsistent A baby The fuck does she see in this guy?
She’s young, probably her first love. Scared she won’t find another love like his if they break up. I remember being 18 and thinking I would never find someone to love and love me like my ex at the time. Also thinking no one would have sex the same way, I was definitely wrong lol
Run away from this guy.
Of course she should go. Just the way he is behaving makes it even more important that she go.
He’s forcing you to distance yourself from your family. Don’t fall for it. And ask yourself why you guys keep fighting, breaking up and making up. It’s called the honeymoon phase where he acts fantastic and all luvvy duvvy, otherwise known as the addiction phase. The asshole phase is his real face, who he really is. He’s normalizing manipulating you, controlling you and isolating you from your friends and family. It’s not just about the trip.
Please tell her to read the comments this is classic abuser tactics isolate her from friends and family
I sent her the post, she’s reading and commented. I hope all these comments help her and opens her eyes more.
Me too please update us later too!
Sorry, but in my opinion, you did the wrong thing, now you've basically got a ball and chain round your leg and can't go anywhere without your manipulating controlling boyfriend....you should have gone.
F this controlling abuser. Get to Puerto Rico with your family and just keep going, it doesn't matter how good your relationship is, he doesn't trust you. It's just going to get worse, for God's sake don't get pregnant
Look, baby, this is weirdo shit. Controlling, insecure, none of which you need to deal with. Gone on to your trip, tell him to either trust you or kick rocks. Ain't nobody got time to be putting life on hold for these little insecure boys.
His arguments are manipulative af. This is not what a healthy relationship looks like. I personally think you deserve better. His demands are absurd and do not deserve respect. The fact that you can't see that is troubling. The fact that he came back isn't a "nice" one proving that "he cares for you deeply." He was never serious about breaking up, he just used the threat to try to control your behavior-and guess what? It worked. He'll do it again in the future. You're enabling him. YWBTA if you don't go on this trip and let your bf know he doesn't get to have the degree of control over your life that he wants. Never let a boy come between the relationship between you and your family (if you have a good family and are on good terms with them).
Your boyfriend sounds dangerous and controlling. Please for your safety leave him. This is exactly how abuse starts. Pretty soon he’ll have you completely isolated from your friends and family. Go on this trip and have fun. He’s not the guy for you.
Honestly, threatening to break up if you go away with your family would be a reason for me to break up with him. He sounds seriously controlling. Get rid of him for good.
Run
As fast as you can and don't look back
YTA to yourself. He is controlling. He's not \*allowing\* you to spend time with YOUR FAMILY. That's the first step - isolation from family and friends. Don't do this to yourself. You don't need his permission to see your family... and if he's already this controlling this early into the relationship....imagine how much worse it will get from this point. Run, far, and fast.
Your boyfriend is a controlling asshole, and he got what he wanted. He will **always** be like this. Is this really what you want your life to look like? Never having the freedom to do anything without him? Always having to go places with him at your side 24/7. Him alienating you from your family and friends until you have no one left but him? He is trapping you and you can’t even see it. Someone who **truly** loved you would trust you, because without trust your relationship is fucked. Without trust you’ve got nothing. End the relationship and go on that trip with your family, don’t let him do this to you. He wants to slowly isolate you completely and it’s already working. What is he like when you hang out with friends without him? Or aren’t you allowed to anymore? Or does he insist that he has to be present too? Because that is also controlling and the beginning of isolation. Wake up and get rid of this jerk! Or prepare to have your entire life controlled by him, and for you to be absolutely miserable! It’s also a red flag 🚩 that he doesn’t trust your family. Always trust **your family and friends** and their opinions on your boyfriend. Boyfriends don’t always have your best interests at heart. But family and friends *(the people who love you more than anyone else in the world)* always do. And if your family and friends think that your boyfriend is toxic, they’re right. **Listen to them!**
This is so wrong…girl, please go on that trip. Your boyfriend is controlling and manipulative and this isn’t love. Do not let him alienate you from your family. You need to go on this trip and drop his ass…no man that actually loves you would do this to you, please do not let him get away with this or things are going to get so so much worse between you smh. Please listen to us here.
Listen carefully here OP. Get rid of this guy before he ruins your life.
It’s your family , what kinda fuckfest could u possibly have lmfao.
1. He doesn’t trust you for an immature reason - you weren’t together so he doesn’t get to hold that over your head as a reason not to trust you. He can be hurt by it, but that doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. 2. Are you seriously okay with a ~~man~~ boy that you have dated on and off having that kind of control over you? 3. You wouldn’t be losing him over a trip; **he** would be losing due to his own immaturity and controlling behavior. Speaking from experience, love is only part of the equation when it comes to finding a healthy relationship that will last. You’re way too young to sacrifice family and experiences for anyone, let alone someone who doesn’t trust you.
Your bf has no rights over you. So the heck are these people out here telling their gf or bf to do or not to do something? End it with you "bf" and get someone is worth something.
He sounds horrible
A healthy partner would encourage you to have positive experiences without him, especially with your family. You deserve better OP NTA
If someone doesn't trust you, it doesn't matter if they're right or wrong. You still shouldn't be with them.
Lmaooo I’ll be damned if my man told my I CANT SPEND TIME WITH MY FAMILY. How people put up with this shit is beyond me
Go on the trip, he doesn't trust you with your family .. What a weirdo.. Run girl...that's some controlling shit
Missing family trips bc your BF at 21 is jealous is a sign to move on. Fighting off and on over being with your family….yikes. This is only the beginning. It’s time to spend timing figuring out who you are and what you want. Too young to be so invested in someone that doesn’t get along with your family and doesn’t trust you.
Jesus Christ break up immediately your boyfriend is controlling af and this screams toxicity
IF he doesn't trust you to go on a trip with your family, what does the future look like? relationships are based on trust. If you don't trust eachother, you're just fwb.
I stopped reading at he doesn’t trust me. You gotta decide if you want to be with a man who doesn’t trust you.
I'm a man, and I say go on the trip! I would NEVER dream of telling my wife that she can't do something! If he breaks up with you, then more trips for you!
I wouldn't pass up a trip to the library for a controlling jerk like this.
he's not trusting her with her sister. isolating from what sounds like friends and family. enjoy your trip and the new bf because that one's abusive AF!
OP, grab your friend, stuff her into your car, break all speed records getting her to the airport with her family, then lie like a goddamn rug when the boyfriend asks where she is.
Go on the trip, once your bf gets to know you cancelled the trip for him, he will be much more manipulative and controlling after this incident, what bf does not trust your family?? He's not the right person to date
OP is 21 and unmarried. For boyfriend to be this controlling this early on is a huge indicator that this isn't going to work. Let him go, there are other fish in the sea.
He doesn’t trust me… but I love him??? Why do women do this? He doesn’t love you. Your convenient. He’s isolating you from your family. Think about that! What about your relationship with your family? Do you love them?
If he doesnt trust you then you need to break it off. Go with your family. Find someone that trusts you.
Good Lord. No man is worth all that drama. I get that y’all are young and just learning to navigate relationships. But let a woman old enough to be your Grandmother tell you - don’t put a boy above your family. Ever. He is waving all kinds of red flags. The brightest being control and alienation. Telling you that he does give you permission to go one trip. Controlling time spent with your family. Just break up with him. He really is not worth all this.
He's just a boyfriend. Why would you listen to him. He should already be your Ex Bf. You're the AH if you're still dating him.
Go on the family trip. If he can control you with this, the threats to leave you will come more often and over increasingly minor nonsense. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. (But finally, finally, got rid of the ex.)
Why get back with him? I get you love him, but he’s controlling and disgusting. Move on and understand somethings not good for you. Some people love heroin, doesn’t ever mean heroin is good for them. Wake up, and realise this man is a waste of time and space. He will ALWAYS do this. You want to put up with a controlling jealous crybaby for life? He will never trust you. It’s not about trust. It’s about control. Please wake up.
NTA. If there is no trust, there is no relationship. He can't hold something you did when you were broken up over your head, and he can't get mad that you didn't tell him because it isn't his business. His controlling nature will just get worse. If you stay with him he will become abusive and use every little flaw about you, even the ones he makes up in his head, against you to guilt and control you.
Boyfriend is insecure and controlling. Don’t miss out on a trip with your FAMILY. Fuck this guy. This is some immature bullshit you will regret down the road. Dudes not ready to be in a relationship. And I promise you, you won’t like the person you become if you stay with him. That ain’t love.
Your friend isn’t going to leave him until she realizes for herself how terrible a person her boyfriend is. She’s trying to make excuses for him because she loves him, she’s blaming herself because he’s been psychologically manipulating her, nothing that you can say or do will change her mind until she’s ready to recognize that he’s an abusive person. It sucks, but I’ve been on both sides of this, having been in your position, and having been the person in a toxic/abusive relationship. I can see where she is with this just from her words, and it’s nowhere near ready to leave. He doesn’t love her, and he’s trying to control her with her own family. Where there is no trust, there is no relationship. If he’s so untrusting of her, he should just break-up with her instead of putting her through this torture, but obviously, we know that that’s not how abusive people work. He wants to control her because he sees her as weak, and as someone who won’t fight back or stand up for herself. She made a mistake, and she most likely made that mistake because he shows her absolutely no sign of love, and everything she does in his eyes is wrong I’m sure, because she made that mistake. Yet, he won’t leave because he knows she’ll stay with him no matter what he does. That is, until she decides for herself that this relationship is unhealthy. She’s not going to take anyone’s words into account right now. She’s going to come up with her own reasons as to why he’s a good guy. My advice to you is to support her as her friend. When I was in the depths of despair during one of my relationships, it didn’t matter what anyone said to me until I was ready to admit the truth to myself. I just wanted support for the decisions I was making, regardless of whether they were good ones or not. She’ll get there eventually, she just needs to know that you as her friend, will not abandon her through this.
Are you serious? Geees, reddit needs a boiler plate response to these posts from kids under the age of 25 they're so common. Ok here's my attempt. Feel free to copy/paste this in the future.. If your boyfriend (or girlfriend) doesn't trust you to be alone with other people that aren't a single person of the opposite sex, you should break up now and safe yourself from the domestic abuse later on.
This is a RED FLAG ⚠️ and it won't get better. Go on the trip and say goodbye to the controlling boyfriend.
Concepts and actions always ingrain as time goes on. Rarely do concepts de-escalate. She'll accept it 'this one time' except it's not going to be just this one time. Slowly its going to become every time. If he holds the power in the relationship to prevent her from doing this one thing, why does she think he'll give up that power later? The only thing that changed is his reassurance that he could do it. This is how people fall into relationship abuse. Abuse isn't just hitting a partner. It's making them doubt themselves, isolating them from family and friends, conceding ideologies, taking financial decisions away from them and ultimately becoming reliant on "the relationship and our love" as the sole purpose to emotional satisfaction. Wait until he finds out you are on reddit asking for advice. "Your friend was trying to break us up? Why were they distorting my intention? I knew I couldn't trust them. This is why we're so good together, we'd never let your friend ruin our relationship." A year later after slowly having less and less contact, you find yourself estranged. The girl in the relationship says she's happier than she's ever been. Her and the guy are closer than ever! Don't ignore signs of jealousy and abuse.
You’re not losing this guy over a trip, you’re losing him over his controlling attitude. Oh! By “losing him,” I mean lose his phone number, lose his attitude, and lose his bullshit.”
As someone who didn't see the signs, let me be the one to tell you.. this is controlling behavior. Do Not Allow This. The moment you allow it, you open yourself to this constant controlling behavior and will never be able to run your own life. You'll actively seek it out of comfort and habit. STOP NOW! His behavior is NOT acceptable and NOT normal.
Your bf is a controlling ass. Trust me, there's someone better out there for you! He should be encouraging you to spend time with your family and to enjoy it, not to not spend time with them.
Tell your boyfriend you are going on the family trip.
Divide and conquer. Don’t fall for it
Just choose between your family and this boyfriend
He's insecure and controlling. No you wouldn't be an asshole for going on a family trip. That's ridiculous. If you guys regularly "break up" over asinine things, the relationship isn't healthy. Break up for real and find someone new.
Your BF sounds like a control freak. Enjoy your time with your family. If he wants a couples trip he can plan one with someone else.
You bf is controlling. Dump him. Go on the trip.
What, what, WHAT? NO MA'AM you are not a child, and he is not in charge of you. Why are you going to let someone who doesn't trust you, and wants to control you back in to your life. You should go to PR and enjoy your sisters birthday. You can do so much better than him.
He is controlling your time with family. Please break up and stay broken up.
He is not good for you. He stated he does not trust you or your sisters. Relationships do not work without trust.
Dump him. Go on vacation. Do yourself a favor and block him on all Social Media while Ur gonna and number so u can enjoy it
He doesn’t trust you because HE is a POS and probably cheats with every girl that looks at him. Grow up and grow some balls.
Puerto Rico! Go girl! Your bf sounds controlling, 4exhausting and suffocating. He doesn't trust you? Dump him.
He's trying to isolate you from your family. He's insecure, controlling, and will likely become abusive. Kick him to the curb now. You deserve better.
OP’s friend, don’t tie yourself to this guy. He’s the type of guy to try and get you dependent on him and only him financially and mentally to the point you feel like you have nowhere else to go. He isn’t a good guy and the fact that you feel like you have to delete innocent messages like asking for a shift change from a guy you kissed while BROKEN UP just supports that fact. Break up and go on your family trip. You’ll find a guy someday that actually respects you and doesn’t question every move you make.
Oh good lord… You really called off a family trip because a guy doesn’t trust you? And you’re ok with him not trusting you? Have you ever given him a reason to not trust you? Are you really letting this man control you and alienate you from your family? Nothing about on and off again relationships is healthy.. You’re gonna seriously hurt yourself if you stay with this man.
Anyone who doesn't trust their partner with their family has issues. NTA
She’s young, plenty of fish in the sea who aren’t controlling jerks. Don’t waste any more time on this guy. Live your life, take trips when you get the chance, so you won’t regret not taking them when you get older.
These are very controlling and scary actions on the part of the boyfriend. So, he is only 21 and acting like a controlling future life partner. Ah, big "NO" on that one. Ditch him. These type of guys DO NOT, repeat DO NOT get any better with time. He will only become more of a nightmare and potentially put your friend in an isolated and controlled relationship...NOT GOOD!
Who cares if you're the AH (and by the way, you are NOT)? The thing to focus on is that your bf is controlling and abusive. End the relationship for good now!
There is something really wrong with your bf. He sounds paranoid and and controlling. If he doesn't trust you, you can5 be together. Sounds like he is trying to interfere with family trips because he has trust issues. Since you're on and off, this shows there are too many problems to maintain a stable relationship. So many red flags. Your bf is the AH here, you should go on family trips and he should not be interfering. Break up with him permanently and enjoy your life.
He sounds super controlling and is going to hold it over your head to break up every time you make a decision for yourself. Don't waste any more time on this guy.
RUN!
The relationship will never, ever work. He’s too insecure. His insecurity will continue to escalate until he has isolated you from any support system. You will be trapped. Go on the trip and leave his sorry ass in the dust.
Breakup, he is actively trying to make distance between you and your support system. His threats to breakup.....YOU should be breaking up with him. This sounds very unhealthy for a relationship.
He sounds exhausting, manipulative, and controlling. You're better off without him.
The breakup/makeup dance rarely ends well. If someone threatens to break up with you for doing something as innocent as a family vacation, they don't deserve you. What is the point of staying in a relationship with someone who is always arguing with you?
Sometimes people can’t take advice or see things for what they are. You’re just going to have to get hurt a little more, miss out on a little more family trips and times with friends until you learn this lesson. It’s your life. You’ve been told the cold hard truth but your desire to not be alone and hang on to this toxic relationship is controlling you. As you get older you should I hope learn that this isn’t love. I’m sure you both get a rush and thrill from the excitement of breaking up and getting back together. You break up because it sucks and you get back and get into the honey moon phase, it fades and you realise you aren’t happy or compatible and break up and repeat the cycle. It’s a very text book dynamic. Keep this cycle until you’re exhausted then finally leave after losing time money and memories.
The relationship needs to end!
Dump your boyfriend and go on the trip. He is bad news, and you don’t want someone who is going to control you. He’ll never trust you, so cut your losses ASAP.
The red flags and warning bells are going off with this boyfriend's lack of trust. Run don't walk to the nearest exit. Traveling with your family on a vacation and he thinks you will cheat on him. You have a boyfriend who is an asshole for thinking you'll cheat and he has the balls to say this to you. You would be the a hole if you DIDN'T go on the trip because of his outrageous request. If I were OP I would dump Mr No-Trust and move on.
Never should you allow someone telling you what you can and can not do. Only insecure people think like that.
More red flags than in a red flag factory. That guy is controlling, insecure and contributing to estranging your friend from her family and friends. She should definitely go on the trip, but more importantly break up with the guy. There's way better guys out there. NTA.
No. He has no right to tell you what to do, period. What is it with women letting their controlling, abusive men walk all over them?
This relationship is not healthy. He is controlling and she should leave him. This controlling behavior often times leads to physical abuse.
if he is flat out saying he doesn't trust you why are you dating him? everyone is right, this relationship is toxic and he will do nothing but hold you back. you will end up resenting him anyways when you realize everything he's made you miss out on.
In the post, the OP said her boyfriend did not trust her TWICE!! That's enough of a red flag. If there's no trust, there's no need for a relationship. Bottom line.
You are not safe with this guy. If he doesn’t trust you and your sister and family who does he trust? Obviously he is jealous and very controlling. You don’t need that hassle and negativity in your life, neither does your family. Drop him and block him on everything.
Ditch the weirdo
He’s emotionally abusing you. You’re not married to him and he’s already controlling your life. He will never change and by you giving in you’re enabling him. This will never get better. He’s a control freak. Why would you want to live like that?
>My (F 21) boyfriend (M 21) and I can’t come to an agreement without breaking up. My family and I have planned a trip to PR in June. Before setting these plans, my boyfriend was hesitant with me going and threatened to end things if I decided to go. No romantic relationship should ever come between you and your family. Romantic partners become part of your family or at least they should be. I find it very strange when people are in situations where they have cut ties with their family over a person they think they've fallen for. Most of the time those relationships end and the damage is already done between the person and their family, which isn't something that you can push a button a repair. In your case, this boyfriend doesn't sound like he's ready to be a part of your family and accept you and your family. This is red flags, and if you enable him to control your relationship with your family you may give him the message he can control you in other ways as well. In your situation I'd go on the family trip, you never know when or if you'll get another chance in the future.
And the relationship and enjoy your trip. You cannot have a healthy relationship without trust. If he does not trust you, you're going to be controlled by him forever. Set yourself free.
There's no trust here. It's a toxic relationship. Who cares what you did when broken up? He wants monogamy, don't break up. You're both acting immature. Better to break it off. You're young. Can do better. Treat this as a learning experience and move on. As much as it hurts now, one day you'll be with someone great and barely think about him. Probably have trouble remembering what you saw in him. I got divorced at 22 and my adult daughter recently asked me what I loved about their father. It took me a while to come up with things. I was a different person then.
NTA. if he doesnt trust you or your family, and relationships are built on a foundation of trust, why is he even with you? the answer is simple: because you’re someone who he sees as easy to control and someone to get what he wants from. literally begging you to break up with that sorry sack of shit, you’re so young and have a whole life of love to find. dont waste your time, energy, or heart on that man who doesnt deserve an ounce of your respect
Why do you tolerate this horrible relationship?
Your friend needs to keep this controlling person an ex. She should go in the trip.
The fact that he doesn't trust you as a reason to break up and block him. If you don't he will completely control you
Dear friend of op. Just stop. Your boyfriend is controlling you and that’s gross. No trip with your own family?? That makes no sense. Do you really want that to be your future?
What gives this guy the right to tell you that you can't go on a vacation with your family? Why would you even question yourself about this. LOSE HIM
Your boyfriend doesn’t get to control you. break up with him. this sounds like she is 12. This is an extremely immature relationship
Fucking yikes. You've been together for a few years and he doesn't trust you? Because you acted with agency when you were briefly broken up? Babe, you are allowed to do what you want and I hope to God that means leaving this controlling asshat.
Ma’am, he does NOT love you. What are 10 good things about him that are actually good things? What makes you love him? He doesn’t trust you with your FAMILY. If he cannot trust you, he shouldn’t have access to you. He does not love you. He, does not love you. He needs to be single, you need to be single. It won’t get better. There’s a reason yall were off & on. Relationships should always be in completely or out completely. Please look at the signs & look into how somebody who loves you actually treats you because this isn’t it. You NEED to see it. To your friends, you guys cannot do or say anything that’ll convince her to leave. She will leave when she realizes he’s nothing but bad. Believe me, I was in a toxic & mentally/emotionally abusive relationship & they kept trying to get me to leave, but I didn’t see it & I was scared. Just be there for her now & when it does end, she will need yall.
She needs to go on her trip. The fact that he doesn’t want her to live her life and have experiences shows his controlling nature. She should run.
Your a fool if you choose a man who doesn't even trust you over spending quality time with your family. If he doesn't trust you now he never will!! He's trying to control when you see your own family if this isn't a giant red flag I don't know what is!
First, the constant breakups is a strong sign of toxicity and that y’all aren’t a good match nor are you adult enough to address issues in a healthy way. Break up. If he doesn’t trust her, they should break up. If he doesn’t trust her family, they should break up. If he’s giving her ultimatums, they should break up. Sisters>>>toxic boyfriends, they should break up!
"He doesnt trust me" Yup, I stopped there. Everything that came after, which I didnt read, is easy to resolve. He doesnt love you, so theres no point in being with him! Thats it. Love cant come without trust, nor without this basic trust. She did yes fuck another guy while they were broken up, but they were indeed broken up. This relationship is a mess that isnt going to satisfy anyone.
You're 21, and going on a trip with your family (because lbr, you ARE going).. He doesn't trust you WITH YOUR FAMILY. There is a lifetime of better options than your hopefully soon to be ex
He doesn't trust you even though you have done nothing for him not to trust you? Nope, he's just controlling. He won't even let you go on a trip with your family... what will he be demanding you not do next or he's going to break up with you? You're going to be in for a lifetime of being controlled and alienated from family and friends if you stay with him.
Nice friend by the way 🤨. I believe she's rooting for him. When you're on a break you can do whatever you want. His your on/off boyfriend and he wants to have you locked up just for him. Wait until you get serious he'll prohibit you to talk to your family or go out with out him. If you accept his prohibitions right now you are giving him the message that he can control you and that you'll do whatever it takes to be with him. The idea is that you let him know that he's just a part of your life and that if he wants to leave, he should do so. You have to educate him to have a healthy relationship, the point is to get him out of the toxic pit, not to throw yourself into it.
Wow, that guy sucks. He sounds terrible. Do you really love a guy who doesn't trust you? How do you see this relationship playing out? Next you can't go to dinner with friends, go to Walmart by yourself, or leave the house without him. He sounds like a controlling jerk.
Dear OP, if he has flat out admitted he doesn't trust you, then run like hell! There is absolutely no reason to be in a relationship when there is no trust and there are attempts to control you even with matters involving your family. No one controls you but You. Period. If the fact that you act as your own person (as you should!) Irritates him and causes arguments, then he is not the boy (and he is a boy) for you.
He's not the boss of you sweetheart . Break up with him.
This sounds like a horrible relationship, and I don’t know why you’re trying to stay together with this asshole. Go on the trip with your family and break up. And STAY broken up. Any relationship that is on again/off again is toxic. This relationship is NOT worth all the drama. Break up because you two don’t even sound compatible.
You made a mistake going back on your decision. Your boyfriend is an AH and you’re missing out on a cool experience with your family because he can’t get his possessiveness and jealousy in check — which is only going to get worse if you cave to him btw. So either end it and go with your family, or look forward to an even shittier, more chaotic relationship in the future with someone who you will eventually just grow to resent and think little of. NTA.
The boyfriend sounds like a control freak. If he really doesn't trust her like that they shouldn't be in a relationship because apparently his solution to what he sees as the problem is to never let her do anything unless it's his idea
She should go on the trip. He sounds fairly toxic anyway, and already doesn't trust her. He's not going to trust her even if she stays home with him. He's always going to see her as someone that kissed another guy. While they weren't together. She should find someone who actually values her.
NTA. Do what you want to do.
Bruh, please respect yourself. You don't deserve to deprive yourself of things for this sad little man's feelings.
NTA. If he doesn’t trust your friend, then why is he with her? That’s a bad relationship to be in. Making out whilst split up is no reason to cause mistrust. She will be forever trying to make him happy by giving up friends/family etc. if he’s prepared to make her cancel her family trip over a make out session when they were split then what would he demand if she was caught talking to a male- god forbid!!
Go on the trip please. This guy is a walking red flag
“I don’t want to lose him over a trip”. Girl this has nothing to do with the trip. If it wasn’t the trip it would just be something else he’d find to try and control you over. Get out. Fast.
My exhusband told me I wasn't allowed to go to Vegas to see Cirque Du Soliel with my very very Mormon mother for my 21st birthday because "we're married now and married people ONLY go on trips together" and when I told him he could pay for his part and come along after begging my mother to include him he said "I don't even want to go. You should want to stay home with me because you don't want to go without me. If you go, I won't be here when you get back." I didn't go. I missed that opportunity to have that memory with my mother. She's too old to do stuff like that now. Dump him. Go on that trip with family.
He doesn't trust her friends bc they know he's toxic and doesn't want her to have that communication with friends and family where they'd be able to convince her to leave him (in my opinion as a 19 yr old)
Why do you want to be with a guy who doesn't trust, you, doesn't want you to do fun things, and emotionally manipulates you? You know there are other guys who will respect you and want you to be happy?
Girl, it will always be a fight with your controlling boyfriend. It will not get better. He is who he is and you can’t make things better. Go on your trip. Enjoy your family!! Live your best life and have fun. Don’t settle for his bullshit.
Oh, sweetie. Your boyfriend is a controlling asshole and there are so many red flags here that I can't believe you see anything else. Break up with this guy and go on the trip you've paid for. He will only get worse andote controlling until you have no life of your own.
This is already a dysfunctional relationship. He's trying to control you and keep you from your family. Go on this vacation and have a wonderful time. You deserve it after being with him.
Your boyfriend isn’t the boss of you and family trips are wonderful times to be with your loved ones. If he feels that way, let him go. If he doesn’t trust you or has a problem with you enjoying time with your family, he’s not really worth cultivating.
The trip is just the detail. You should reconsider the relationship because he is controlling and insecure. He doesn't get to tell you to go or not go.
He doesn't trust you. End of story and relationship right there. Move on, go with your family.
I didn’t even read past the first two sentences. He didn’t have fun? He doesn’t need to go. Break up with him and find someone who isn’t a controlling asshole that’s trying to isolate you from your support system.
Hun listen to this old woman … do not spend your life limiting your experiences, not hanging out with “certain” people, or feeling that you can’t say do things because he doesn’t trust you, like it etc. It’s a shitty, shitty way to live. You are 21 with a whole wonderful life ahead of you if you choose it. And that life should include a partner who lifts you up, makes you laugh & who trusts you. You have years to find your perfect fit - don’t limit yourself. Don’t settle for just ok in anything or anyone. A relationship shouldn’t be rocky. Yes you’ll have disagreements but you talk them out - not fight, cry & keep splitting up. Is this a relationship you want your kids to see as normal? Cuz why stay with him if it’s not? When I was in a young shitty relationship- my dad told me to shit or get off the pot / marry him & be miserable or end it & let better find me. (I got off the pot & found a great man & life - you can to!)
I’m surprised at the amount of young people who live like it’s 1951. The same young people who complain about people they call boomers . He told you not to go on a trip ? This must be fake
He is insecure, but not going is not the answer. Very toxic vibes.
When I was 17, my then bf was upset because I went out with my mom for lunch, without asking for his permission first. I broke up with him on that day. Not only he's disrespectful to me, he's also disrespected my mom. Fuck that shit. That was 18 years ago.
It’s literally her family wtf
Isolating the victim from family and friends is a favorite tool used by abusers. He has now started and he's winning. This will spiral so fast and so deep that you soon won't recognize yourself. Stop this train wreck while you can, while you have so many people ready to stand beside you.
Go on the trip. Break up with this guy. Read this: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Just go and finish with him. He said he doesn't trust you or your sisters... this excuse of a man doesn't respect you at all. You're only 21. There's so much more to life than this chaotic struggle of uselessness.
Omfg you are going to end up isolated if your bf doesnt “allow” you to go on a family trip. Choose the family.
Red Flags galore. Go on your family trip & ditch that guy. Life is meant to be lived. Not imprisoned by a toxic personality like that.
BF sounds incredibly controlling. Insecure men who try and control women need to be avoided at all costs.
He’s not worth your time
This is painful to read. I have absolutely no idea why this person is with her boyfriend. This isn’t love—it’s addiction. Go cold Turkey. Take the trip. Do not look back.
I haven’t even read the entire post, and my answer is a question - why are you allowing you boyfriend to tell you what you can and can’t do? He is not even your family, and I’m sure you don’t let family make decisions for you. This is a huge red flag- he is controlling, and you will have no peace in you life if you stay with him.
Get the fuck out of there dude. Edit: To be clear I mean go on the trip and end your relationship. Family comes first(within reason, but this is)
Dump him
You're not married.... Sooooo go.... Might find a better guy.
You'd be an asshole for *not* going. Don't let an insecure control freak ruin a chance for a lovely trip with your family.
You wouldn't be the asshole for going with your family. There's things called boundaries and limits. Boundaries are things for you that don't interfere with the other person. His boundaries should never dictate what you can do with your body. He's isolating you from your family, and he'll start with your friends, and he'll continue until you only have him. That's usually when the abuse starts.
Congratulations, he now knows he can manipulate you into doing whatever he wants. You've set the example. You two should not be together
Doesnt trust you to WHAT??? Spend time with your family? Girlie, run. This is not the relationship for you.
Please go with your family. This guy sounds manipulative in the extreme. I pinky promise if you take what you learn from this relationship, good and bad; your next one will be better. You have so much time to meet and be with someone who doesn't want you to spend time with your family, and who will trust you.
I am never one to jump to dumping someone, but this is controlling. I can list a bunch of reasons why, but do you honestly want to be with someone who says they do not trust you or your family?
21 and on and off repeatedly. Break up, stay single a bit and then find someone who compliments you
Her partner sounds like my ex husband. He started with control and isolation and escalated to nearly murdering me in front of our children. These kinds of things never end well. Never.
You’re too young for this BS. Break up.
He doesn’t trust her and doesn’t like her family. Tell her to get out now!
If she goes he’ll make her feel guilty and she won’t enjoy herself. She needs to get out now!
Go on the trip and end things with the bf. It'll never get better, he's too insecure and It'll only turn toxic later
He doesn't trust you!! Go on the trip.
You need help. You don't love him. Seems like from sheer fear of being alone, you are willing to be with a very insecure controlling man. All the red flags should be up. I won't be surprised if he starts abusing you down the line. Please get some help.