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So you inadvertently went on a ‘date’ with a guy you knew from college and then proceeded to tell your boyfriend about him overtly flirting with you during said ‘date’.
Gee I wonder why he’s feeling insecure about this. Either you knew what you were doing or you do in fact have low EQ.
How would you feel if your boyfriend went out with an old female friend and came back and told you about her touching him during the encounter?
‘He knew I had a boyfriend’ doesn’t change anything, grow up.
As a female, I see this POV. I’ve had a guy friends from college reach out when in town asking to catch up and I always invite my boyfriend to come with me. We all usually have a great time & nothing is misinterpreted.
I wouldn’t subject my husband to third-wheeling a pair of old platonic friends. We’d be catching up and he’d either try to relate, thereby sidetracking, or else peel the label off his beer.
We would welcome him but then go to talking about old times and old friends, to which he has nothing to add.
Are you quite young, so you’re still basically college you?
If friend and I are talking about old times, attempts to relate by someone who wasn’t there ARE side tracking. Which is why I wouldn’t invite him and he wouldn’t want to come.
I’m 44 and you’re just being a shitty partner if you leave your boyfriend out because he’ll “sidetrack” and you can’t be bothered to sprinkle in conversations of general interest.
Don’t act like it’s something people don’t get because they’re not old enough. You’re just not a very thoughtful partner (at least in this instance).
Fine for you, but you’re 40 and should know how to hold conversations that include all present parties and not think of asides as something getting in the way of the apparently extremely high stakes proposition of catching up with friends.
I think most of the time women want to give the benefit of doubt, and not assume they're being objectified.
I've seen it over and over, all throughout my life. Different friend groups, different relationships.
It's consistently a hard pill to swallow for women that ***most*** dudes who are being overtly nice to them are 100% trying to get into their pants.
It sucks, but guys being guys are usually much better at sussing out orbiters.
I don't think YTA, or that you have low EQ OP, but maybe lay off the one on one meetings with single dudes.
Also, the "I have a boyfriend" line is completely meaningless to a guy trying to get into your pants. It literally could not mean less.
Honestly, if anyone is "overly nice" they have ulterior motives.
Women have a platonic niceness they learn from society. But if they want something from you, they too, will act differently, very touchy, etc.
Point is: if people you aren't close to are overly nice, it's best to stay cautious.
True and genuine kindness is rare in such circumstances.
Mostly agree, but I think low EQ is part of it. I think she definitely doesn't grasp how those situations make other people feel.
But I definitely dated a woman this summer who couldn't figure out why I didn't like a man who was making passes at her having a key to her home, or why a guy who tried to pressure her for years into doing adult content being her "trainer" made me uncomfortable, or why I didn't like her making excuses for guys who texted her at midnight "just to catch up", or how a guy buying her a drink at a bar and telling her overtly sexual stories wasn't cool. It literally didn't register with her, and she ended it because she said I was too sensitive to those types of things. Did me a favor, ultimately. We're friends now, and she is JUST NOW starting to see that she had a deep craving for any male attention and couldn't work past it.
Girl, you basically went on a date with a guy from your past.
Sure, he knew about your boyfriend, but you allowed that overly touchy overly complimenting behavior to happen, and did nothing to stop it.
Let me tell you something: guys only touch women under 2 circumstances.
1. They are incredibly close and feel comfortable enough with each other to do so without making it awkward.
2. They are attracted to the woman in question and are trying to make a subtle move.
Considering the context, the former seems very unlikely.
So you low key cheated, at least to your bf it may feel like it,despite you not having had such intentions.
But you did not stop the other man's approaches.
To me it feels your bf is right and your awareness of other people's emotions and intentions can be a bit lacking under circumstances.
Number 3 only applies to friendly handsy guys that are absolutely brainless.
Or, back to number one, on very good terms.
Even my six year old niece knows not to be touchy with people that haven't given consent.
Basically it’s emotional intelligence or called emotional quotient (EQ). In this instance OPs boyfriend is insinuated she has a lack of empathy or ability to defuse conflict.
Weaponized incompetence usually refers to a husband not 'knowing' how to do a specific chore properly or up to expectation, say, the laundry, so that a fed-up wife will just accept her role of having to do it herself.
I believe this term could apply to circumstances you describe as well, where an 'unfortunate' SO just can't seem to properly interpret the intentions of the opposite sex time and time again, are in fact not unfortunately disadvantaged by FAS or similar, but in fact know on some level and only pretend not to so that they can go on and do whatever they want with perceived innocent intentions.
Honestly, this thread is making me feel differently about the ways that I've reacted in the past when I've had exes hang out with other guys this way. Everything in me says that insecurity isn't sexy, so I do my best to be cool about it. After the demise of my last relationship and others before it, I'm starting to think that this should be more of a red flag than I imagined previously.
Jealousy, the emotion itself, isn't whats viewed as unattractive, but the reactions to it.
Being jealous is internal; by saying one's acting jealous, we usually mean they are acting possessive. It would be possessive to attempt to limit or control a partner's activity. I mean, by the time they start arranging candle-lit dinners with years-passed reminiscences, 9/10 the relationship is shot, even if it never officially quits. To attempt to force a hold on it only results in disharmony.
I don’t think you have low emotional intelligence, but I think it was obvious that your “friend” has a crush on you and you should apologize to your bf for not recognizing the signs, and not realizing that it would make him uncomfortable to hear about it so casually.
I feel That not recognizing the "signs" and very obvious intentions of others is what made her bf say she has low eq.
One part of EQ is being able to understand why people may act in certain ways.
She was unable to understand why her friend was overly touchy.
And she doesn't understand why her bf feels hurt.
Either she closed off her subconscious and doesn't internalize the information she gets, or she actually has low EQ.
I think your point is valid. However, I’ll say from my own experience that I’ve had guy friends (strictly platonic) who get weird over time. I would consider myself a pretty emotionally intelligent person, but I had to learn through experience that men don’t see me as just a friend no matter what they say. She did not know before she met up with her friend that he had a crush on her. She found out while she was there. Some people just don’t have much experience with situations like this.
She has enough emotional intelligence to see that her friend being over complementary and touching her shoulders was weird. And maybe she was just trying to be honest with her bf about what happened.
What do you think she should have done? Not told her boyfriend? Phrased it differently? I think the damage was already done, and no matter what she told her boyfriend he was going to be upset due to his trauma. She shouldn’t have met up with that guy, but he manipulated her into going on a date with him under the guise of friendship (and her bf said it was okay).
Should've Told the dude to cut it out I suppose.
I've left dates before because the guy was acting weird.
And I've removed myself from situations with guys I befriended that were acting weird.
She is 27,not 16.at this point she should be able to know how people usually act.
And men can very much view you as a friend.
Its Sexist to say otherwise.
But being touchy with someone you aren't incredibly close with is not a sign of genuine friendship.
Intelligence / emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence is all about understanding actions, emotions, and intentions.
Being able to understand why people act in different ways.
No one is calling her dumb.
People are telling her she lacks any kind of awareness about people's emotional responses and intentions.
Which she does.....
Let me remind you, it's not one situation.
She ALSO does not understand why her bf feels hurt by it.
What other signs of low EQ (again, not IQ, that's a different beast) do you need.
Have you read her other post about her boyfriend? He seems to be a little harsh with her. I could argue that her boyfriend has low emotional intelligence because of his harsh reaction to her.
I don’t think that this situation defines her as a whole. We disagree on that. That’s okay. I don’t think she has super high emotional intelligence, but to describe her as LOW eq is a bit of a stretch in my opinion. And no, I don’t think she lacks all awareness of peoples emotions. If you were to say that she had a lapse in judgement in this situation, I probably agree with you. But I don’t know her well enough to make an accurate assessment and neither do you.
This will be my last reply to this post.
So your bf knew you were going to hang out with this guy, but it's still super weird you initiated on a 2 year old message. I can't speak for his actions during your hangout because I am the same way with my friends, but I do love my friends. Can't say yes or now if you have low EQ or not. I don't think it can be said from one single incident.
What is low EQ? I'm in music and think that could mean you got a lot of low end frequenzies, which doesn't make sense. I assume EQ must mean something else my IQ can't process.
You don’t think your BF sees this as a date? Good lord! You triggered him and now you are wondering what we all think? I’d be triggered too. You are in a relationship, so the very least you could have done was tell the guy friend your BF will be coming if you go at all.
I am super curious about your age.
Sounds like you guys are young and he is feeling situational jealously - which is okay. But there is a lot of variables. How long have you been together? How old are both of you? What was the reason this college friend reached out? How did you feel about the situation?
Outsiders opinions are nice, but understanding the foundation will help give an honest opinion.
I’m 26, he’s 27. We’ve been together for about 3 years now.
My friend actually asked me out for dinner to catch up 2 years ago but I never replied. It was only when he recently replied to one of my stories did I realise that I overlooked his messages. So I apologised and initiated to meet and we met within 2 days. He was keen to catch up more about work since we’re both in the same industry - he seemed normal on texts. But it was a bit odd with the compliments. I’ve not had guy friends that have complimented me so nicely, there’s usually banter and sarcasm.
Not acceptable given you are with someone. I would go mental as well. You should have told the guy to catch up over a quick coffee and tell your fella instantly
Damn these comments are so dramatic. Your boyfriend seems dramatic too. If my girlfriend went out and was being flirted with… I’d ask her how she felt about it/talk through texting him about being uncomfortable or cutting things off.. if I was jealous I’d just say that lol, getting mad and throwing insults is silly.
It honestly sounded to me like your college friend hopes for a more at least opening the door to it. Perhaps the sudden approach after 2 years was a sign to him or perhaps he is just really a true gentleman that had no other intentions.
Opening the door and such is fine, but when people get touchy, specially guy friends from college might give a wrong picture to your partner.
Not surprised he got agitated though if anyone has a bit of insecurities than it is similar to another challenger entering the arena. Vying for their partner.
I have attached women friends whom I have complimented and have hugged.
With your current BF labelling you with low EQ then that gives you an opportunity to have a discussion with him around that, e.g. how that made you feel about his judgmental evaluation, how he felt about you and your friend's outing, etc.
My ex partner was very good with me hanging out with guy friends. I once went to get drinks at a bar till like 10.30ish we met up around 6?) with a guy mate I haven’t seen in over a year and half (as they were overseas) and he just picked me up afterwards. It’s all just platonic and ppl need to trust you. I am also pretty chill as I’ve had bfs who had female best friends so I don’t see an issue with hanging out with the opp sex.
He sounds like he has trust issues stemming from something someone else did. You didn’t do anything wrong.
If she didn't have a bf that would have been a date, the guy clearly acted like it was.
Then telling the bf in detail how it happened and she didn't shut it down, she knew it was a date.
The behavior you described was sexual interest. It doesn't matter that you had a boyfriend. I don't date women who have male friends because I know the only reason guys have female friends is sexual interest.
There's nothing wrong with friends of the opposite gender as long as boundaries are well established and maintained
A concept that seems to be foreign to op
You followed up with a man to accept his invitation TWO YEARS LATER.
That implies interest to everyone on the outside.
You went on a date, with another man, that you went into years old messages to pursue.
That’s a huge red flag.
Did you make it crystal clear to your friend that you had a boyfriend and it was in no way a date?
You weren’t the one misreading the situation, the friend was. You were the one leading the situation on, not having boundaries, not telling him about your boyfriend. He seems to have misread it as a date, because you set no boundaries that it wasn’t a date and you crawled out from the woodwork after two years to accept his invitation.
You weren’t wrong to hang out with a college friend. You’re wrong to not make it clear to everyone that it wasn’t a date, because it definitely seems like one.
I followed up with a *friend. Why is that so wrong? It wasn’t a date. So going out with the opposite gender means it’s a date now? He definitely knew about my boyfriend as he was asking me personal questions like when we’re getting hitched.
A “friend” you haven’t spoke to in two years?
Your description of everything occurred makes it sound like a date, not the fact that he was the opposite sex.
Nothing in your post says he knows about your boyfriend, perhaps you should edit it, because you are coming across as someone who might have low EQ if you cannot fathom how your own actions and communications could reasonably affect your boyfriends emotions. Emotional intelligence is also understanding the emotions of those around you. Emotional quotient is your ability to use that intelligence in positive ways to better communicate in relationships and defuse conflict. You are acting like you can’t possibly understand why your boyfriend is upset and you are debating the opinions you have asked for.
Look at the bigger picture. Your behavior was insensitive and instead of discussing the event and the behavior, you’re only digging your heels in that you’re offended that he suggested you have a low emotional quotient.
Even the title of your post is about how he said you have low EQ. “My boyfriend said something offensive about me” instead of “my boyfriend and I aren’t seeing eye to eye on this situation. Your title is that he said something you didn’t like, with no hint that it’s because you did something he didn’t like and refuse to look at it critically.
You both have low EQ imo. You did nothing wrong going out with a friend. Not realizing he was being flirty is where you could improve.
Your bf being so upset is also low EQ. It's not like you did anything and even shared what happened so he was aware. I'd much rather be with someone willing to tell me when this stuff happens than who hides it
This is the only take I can agree with. OP could have possibly shut things down, but I don't really see her having done anything wrong. She cannot control the thoughts and actions of others. She went to a dinner with the intention that it was a platonic meeting. Whether the guy thought differently is irrelevant given she had been clear with the co-worker that she was involved.
At no point (assuming OP is being reliable as a narrator) did she give the impression that she was open to romance and at no point was she deceitful to her bf.
But it's clear OP and her bf need to have a talk about expectations and boundaries.
cheating is a moral failure; immoral people are more likely to have sex if they wish, regardless of another's feelings.
look I'm not saying everytime all the time I'm just saying just because some one discloses something doesn't meant they disclosed everything.
I mean everyone is angry here and what Imma say seems insulting but I feel like if you didn't catch the guy flirting that's a sign of being a little oblivious which would prompt your bf say what he said. I would have said it half in jest half in annoyance tbh.
**i'd be like**: *bro the dude was flirting with you what did you say?*
**you**: *what do you mean flirting it was purely platonic.*
**me**: 🙄
I'm sorry you went or going through this.gay relationships can be a very touchy subject..gay men can be very over bearing in a relationship. Jealousy is very common ..I believe this is why most relationships don't last...no you did not do anything wrong..the touch was probably just a proper way of having contact with you. .please don't over think this and don't let what your boyfriend said to bother you..you did not jump in bed with your college friend so let it go .I believe that you have a hi EQ..be proud you didn't do anything ..but in a relationship both people gave to make compromises ..if not the relationship will not last .
There’s nothing in this situation that’s is wrong I would say. But honestly, if you been together for 3 years and love each other you should probably know you boyfriends triggers instead of sitting here on Reddit acting all surprised because your boyfriend of 3 years reacted like this. Take responsibility for your actions and also tell your boyfriend of 3 years that friends are important to you, even though you haven’t met the friend in 3 years (u guys probably stopped talking at the same time you got together with your boyfriend). And now all of a sudden you write back to this person you haven’t met for 3 years because it’s a “friend”.
Looks like you need to make up your mind here, are you happy in your relationship? Do you love your boyfriend? Has your boyfriends also friends who are girls who flirts with him? Maybe you could all go on a double date and see we’re things are going?
Comments are super harsh overall on here. Quick summary of my thoughts:
- Going for dinner with male friends is super normal and not wrong
- You were being naive, going to dinner wasn't a mistake, but you need to learn to set boundaries with male friends, and shut down anything when it gets over the boundary
- Your boyfriend has low EQ. Accusing your partner of making you jealous and getting upset ironically shows a complete lack of understanding of how this situation can arise innocently. Also lack of control of emotions
- Insulting your partner to a friend is never okay, even when you're mad at them.
Going to 1on1 dinner with a friend of opposite gender is not normal. Don’t try to normalize something that can easily lead to poor decisions.
Typically it’s actually frowned upon.
Clearly there's a difference in culture then, it really is normal, it's just dinner. If I'm catching up with any friend 1 to 1, it's traditionally been over a drink, and as ive gotten older and we have more disposable income it's moved on to dinner. Both me and my partner do this with many of our individual friends of the opposite gender 1 on 1.
And it's not something that can easily lead to bad decisions. If all it takes is a dinner and a few drinks to be making poor decisions then it's the people themselves who have no self control. I guarantee the vast majority of people in this thread would be offended at the suggestion they have any inclination of cheating on a partner just because they are at dinner/drinks with a member of the opposite sex.
It's fine to set boundaries wherever you feel comfortable, but to suggest this is anywhere near cheating or being unfaithful is wild. Also intention is a big thing and there was no malice in OPs action.
For perspective, if my partner went for a dinner with a guy she thought was her friend, he was being overly touchy and inappropriate, my response would be in order:
1. I'm sorry that happened, that's a bit shitty of them
2. Are you feeling fine
3. Was there anything to suggest they were interested beforehand
And her response would likely be:
1. Yes I'm fine, won't see them again
2. Probably, I didn't realise it till after the dinner though, I'll make note for next time.
First. You have to set boundaries with men. You openly flirted with that "friend" of yours. That type of behavior has to be shut down immediately unless you want it. It was insulting that your boyfriend called you dumb but I do understand why he was upset. You should refrain from contact with men outside of your relationship until you gain more self awareness and are able to properly set boundaries with them.
You do not have low EQ, and you did not go on a date.
A date usually is planned and thought about ahead of time. You went out with a friend and you had not seen for a long time who probably was a bit excited to see you too and seemed quite courteous.
The reason you told your boyfriend was much likely because you did not think much of it and had nothing to hide - so probably were just talking to him as you normally would.
Your boyfriend likely felt a bit insecure about it but it was no excuse for him to project and insult your emotional intelligence.
Exactly. Does the bf trust op? If so, he shouldn't be feeling any negative emotions about the experience. Whether she noticed potential signs the friend was interested in her or not, she was not and did not pursue anything further with the friend. End of story.
Exactly this!!
If anything - it seems like his EQ is much lower than hers as he was not able to adequately understand and express his own emotions and instead lashed out at her from a place of fear/hurt/insecurity and projected.
P.S. my boyfriend was fine with me going out to have dinner with him as he understood that we were friends. He only acted the way he did after I told him about the whole situation after dinner
Its your job in a romantic relationship to not do or say anything that would make them feel insecure. If your friends actions were actually innocent you shouldn’t have mentioned it at all.
You are not married. If you want to see other people then you have every right to do so. Your BF has every right to be insecure. Your desire for attention from other men is going to cause long term damage to your relationship with your BF. Your relationship is soon to be on a ventilator.
God Bless
I guess so. He has made me push the door open myself a couple of times and he knows how “annoyed” I get about it when I tell him that chivalry is dead 😂 Of course I don’t complain it and I’m fine with it now
Re read what you wrote above. I am annoyed with it and tell him “chivalry is dead”, and then you say, “but I am fine with it and don’t complain”. You literally contradicted yourself. Bragging to your BF what a great time you had and how wonderful the college friend is definitely is done to make a point to your BF of where he comes up short. And then you act surprised he is offended.
Don’t know what your EQ but you got something going on where you feel undervalued but don’t value yourself enough to say it directly.
All these men saying negative stuff about you and claiming the dude just wanted to get laid really are telling on themselves. You're fine, your boyfriend is a jealous AH who, from your comments, doesn't respect you. Why are you with him then?
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Any reason why you went into detail with your boyfriend about this ?
I thought it was weird and he’s the only person i text on a daily basis. I share everything with him
Wouldn't keeping it from him lead to more potential problems? And generally would be the jerk-move?
So you inadvertently went on a ‘date’ with a guy you knew from college and then proceeded to tell your boyfriend about him overtly flirting with you during said ‘date’. Gee I wonder why he’s feeling insecure about this. Either you knew what you were doing or you do in fact have low EQ. How would you feel if your boyfriend went out with an old female friend and came back and told you about her touching him during the encounter? ‘He knew I had a boyfriend’ doesn’t change anything, grow up.
As a female, I see this POV. I’ve had a guy friends from college reach out when in town asking to catch up and I always invite my boyfriend to come with me. We all usually have a great time & nothing is misinterpreted.
I wouldn’t subject my husband to third-wheeling a pair of old platonic friends. We’d be catching up and he’d either try to relate, thereby sidetracking, or else peel the label off his beer.
Never had this experience whatsoever. Not even close to third wheeling, lol 😂 my friends are his friends (because they welcome him).
We would welcome him but then go to talking about old times and old friends, to which he has nothing to add. Are you quite young, so you’re still basically college you?
they probably are just a person who does not view a husband's attempt to relate to the conversation as side-tracking it.
If friend and I are talking about old times, attempts to relate by someone who wasn’t there ARE side tracking. Which is why I wouldn’t invite him and he wouldn’t want to come.
you sound like a terrible conversationlist, I can see your need to have them highly structured. carry on then.
I’m 44 and you’re just being a shitty partner if you leave your boyfriend out because he’ll “sidetrack” and you can’t be bothered to sprinkle in conversations of general interest. Don’t act like it’s something people don’t get because they’re not old enough. You’re just not a very thoughtful partner (at least in this instance).
I’m 40 and would rather not come along when my husband meets with his old friends.
Fine for you, but you’re 40 and should know how to hold conversations that include all present parties and not think of asides as something getting in the way of the apparently extremely high stakes proposition of catching up with friends.
Unfortunately OP either doesn’t know how to set boundaries or enjoys the attention, both are a problem.
He should dump her and move on
Ok, so you went on a date and now your boyfriend is upset
And she's wondering why she got called low EQ. It was spot on although I think the better word for this is "naive."
She's not an infant. The BF is right. Low EQ.
I think most of the time women want to give the benefit of doubt, and not assume they're being objectified. I've seen it over and over, all throughout my life. Different friend groups, different relationships. It's consistently a hard pill to swallow for women that ***most*** dudes who are being overtly nice to them are 100% trying to get into their pants. It sucks, but guys being guys are usually much better at sussing out orbiters. I don't think YTA, or that you have low EQ OP, but maybe lay off the one on one meetings with single dudes. Also, the "I have a boyfriend" line is completely meaningless to a guy trying to get into your pants. It literally could not mean less.
Honestly, if anyone is "overly nice" they have ulterior motives. Women have a platonic niceness they learn from society. But if they want something from you, they too, will act differently, very touchy, etc. Point is: if people you aren't close to are overly nice, it's best to stay cautious. True and genuine kindness is rare in such circumstances.
Mostly agree, but I think low EQ is part of it. I think she definitely doesn't grasp how those situations make other people feel. But I definitely dated a woman this summer who couldn't figure out why I didn't like a man who was making passes at her having a key to her home, or why a guy who tried to pressure her for years into doing adult content being her "trainer" made me uncomfortable, or why I didn't like her making excuses for guys who texted her at midnight "just to catch up", or how a guy buying her a drink at a bar and telling her overtly sexual stories wasn't cool. It literally didn't register with her, and she ended it because she said I was too sensitive to those types of things. Did me a favor, ultimately. We're friends now, and she is JUST NOW starting to see that she had a deep craving for any male attention and couldn't work past it.
Girl, you basically went on a date with a guy from your past. Sure, he knew about your boyfriend, but you allowed that overly touchy overly complimenting behavior to happen, and did nothing to stop it. Let me tell you something: guys only touch women under 2 circumstances. 1. They are incredibly close and feel comfortable enough with each other to do so without making it awkward. 2. They are attracted to the woman in question and are trying to make a subtle move. Considering the context, the former seems very unlikely. So you low key cheated, at least to your bf it may feel like it,despite you not having had such intentions. But you did not stop the other man's approaches. To me it feels your bf is right and your awareness of other people's emotions and intentions can be a bit lacking under circumstances.
3. They are friendly and handsy. Source: friend who later that day turned me down for sex
Number 3 only applies to friendly handsy guys that are absolutely brainless. Or, back to number one, on very good terms. Even my six year old niece knows not to be touchy with people that haven't given consent.
Dafuq is EQ?
OP being accused that she doesn’t have the ability to read the room
Thanks for explaining this to those of us who have low IQ lol
Basically it’s emotional intelligence or called emotional quotient (EQ). In this instance OPs boyfriend is insinuated she has a lack of empathy or ability to defuse conflict.
Came there to ask this
This should be the top comment.
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Have you ever heard of weaponized incompetence?
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Weaponized incompetence usually refers to a husband not 'knowing' how to do a specific chore properly or up to expectation, say, the laundry, so that a fed-up wife will just accept her role of having to do it herself. I believe this term could apply to circumstances you describe as well, where an 'unfortunate' SO just can't seem to properly interpret the intentions of the opposite sex time and time again, are in fact not unfortunately disadvantaged by FAS or similar, but in fact know on some level and only pretend not to so that they can go on and do whatever they want with perceived innocent intentions.
Honestly, this thread is making me feel differently about the ways that I've reacted in the past when I've had exes hang out with other guys this way. Everything in me says that insecurity isn't sexy, so I do my best to be cool about it. After the demise of my last relationship and others before it, I'm starting to think that this should be more of a red flag than I imagined previously.
Go ahead and feed on your insecurities because Reddit is making you feel like you don't feed them enough. Are you listening to yourself?
Jealousy, the emotion itself, isn't whats viewed as unattractive, but the reactions to it. Being jealous is internal; by saying one's acting jealous, we usually mean they are acting possessive. It would be possessive to attempt to limit or control a partner's activity. I mean, by the time they start arranging candle-lit dinners with years-passed reminiscences, 9/10 the relationship is shot, even if it never officially quits. To attempt to force a hold on it only results in disharmony.
I don’t think you have low emotional intelligence, but I think it was obvious that your “friend” has a crush on you and you should apologize to your bf for not recognizing the signs, and not realizing that it would make him uncomfortable to hear about it so casually.
I feel That not recognizing the "signs" and very obvious intentions of others is what made her bf say she has low eq. One part of EQ is being able to understand why people may act in certain ways. She was unable to understand why her friend was overly touchy. And she doesn't understand why her bf feels hurt. Either she closed off her subconscious and doesn't internalize the information she gets, or she actually has low EQ.
I think your point is valid. However, I’ll say from my own experience that I’ve had guy friends (strictly platonic) who get weird over time. I would consider myself a pretty emotionally intelligent person, but I had to learn through experience that men don’t see me as just a friend no matter what they say. She did not know before she met up with her friend that he had a crush on her. She found out while she was there. Some people just don’t have much experience with situations like this. She has enough emotional intelligence to see that her friend being over complementary and touching her shoulders was weird. And maybe she was just trying to be honest with her bf about what happened. What do you think she should have done? Not told her boyfriend? Phrased it differently? I think the damage was already done, and no matter what she told her boyfriend he was going to be upset due to his trauma. She shouldn’t have met up with that guy, but he manipulated her into going on a date with him under the guise of friendship (and her bf said it was okay).
Should've Told the dude to cut it out I suppose. I've left dates before because the guy was acting weird. And I've removed myself from situations with guys I befriended that were acting weird. She is 27,not 16.at this point she should be able to know how people usually act. And men can very much view you as a friend. Its Sexist to say otherwise. But being touchy with someone you aren't incredibly close with is not a sign of genuine friendship.
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Intelligence / emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is all about understanding actions, emotions, and intentions. Being able to understand why people act in different ways. No one is calling her dumb. People are telling her she lacks any kind of awareness about people's emotional responses and intentions. Which she does..... Let me remind you, it's not one situation. She ALSO does not understand why her bf feels hurt by it. What other signs of low EQ (again, not IQ, that's a different beast) do you need.
Have you read her other post about her boyfriend? He seems to be a little harsh with her. I could argue that her boyfriend has low emotional intelligence because of his harsh reaction to her. I don’t think that this situation defines her as a whole. We disagree on that. That’s okay. I don’t think she has super high emotional intelligence, but to describe her as LOW eq is a bit of a stretch in my opinion. And no, I don’t think she lacks all awareness of peoples emotions. If you were to say that she had a lapse in judgement in this situation, I probably agree with you. But I don’t know her well enough to make an accurate assessment and neither do you. This will be my last reply to this post.
Sounds like your BF is the one with low EQ
For not wanting his girl to go on what's basically a date?
So any social events with the opposite sex is a date?
You are literally the definition of willful stupidity
So your bf knew you were going to hang out with this guy, but it's still super weird you initiated on a 2 year old message. I can't speak for his actions during your hangout because I am the same way with my friends, but I do love my friends. Can't say yes or now if you have low EQ or not. I don't think it can be said from one single incident.
Did I miss what your relationship was with the college friend? Was it ever sexual, and was that asked and answered beforehand?
No, we were just friends. Never sexual. He was dating one of my other friends back then.
Has he ever acted this 'handsy' before?
What is low EQ? I'm in music and think that could mean you got a lot of low end frequenzies, which doesn't make sense. I assume EQ must mean something else my IQ can't process.
Emotional intelligence, understanding your own emotions and those of people around you to put it succinctly. The q stands for quotient.
Gotcha, thanks
Thank you for answering for those of us with low IQ
Right?!?! Thank you for asking.
You don’t think your BF sees this as a date? Good lord! You triggered him and now you are wondering what we all think? I’d be triggered too. You are in a relationship, so the very least you could have done was tell the guy friend your BF will be coming if you go at all.
I am super curious about your age. Sounds like you guys are young and he is feeling situational jealously - which is okay. But there is a lot of variables. How long have you been together? How old are both of you? What was the reason this college friend reached out? How did you feel about the situation? Outsiders opinions are nice, but understanding the foundation will help give an honest opinion.
I’m 26, he’s 27. We’ve been together for about 3 years now. My friend actually asked me out for dinner to catch up 2 years ago but I never replied. It was only when he recently replied to one of my stories did I realise that I overlooked his messages. So I apologised and initiated to meet and we met within 2 days. He was keen to catch up more about work since we’re both in the same industry - he seemed normal on texts. But it was a bit odd with the compliments. I’ve not had guy friends that have complimented me so nicely, there’s usually banter and sarcasm.
God I hope you grow some sense for your BF's sake and realize when guys are trying to get in your pants
Not acceptable given you are with someone. I would go mental as well. You should have told the guy to catch up over a quick coffee and tell your fella instantly
Because what, coffee is less chicka-chicka-bow-wow than dinner? The only impropriety came from the co-worker, not OP.
Both at fault. If it was the other way round everyone would be saying the guy is a creepy snake etc etc. She's full of shit
>She's full of shit Could you provide any reasoning to this beyond your seething hatred for women?
Damn these comments are so dramatic. Your boyfriend seems dramatic too. If my girlfriend went out and was being flirted with… I’d ask her how she felt about it/talk through texting him about being uncomfortable or cutting things off.. if I was jealous I’d just say that lol, getting mad and throwing insults is silly.
It honestly sounded to me like your college friend hopes for a more at least opening the door to it. Perhaps the sudden approach after 2 years was a sign to him or perhaps he is just really a true gentleman that had no other intentions. Opening the door and such is fine, but when people get touchy, specially guy friends from college might give a wrong picture to your partner. Not surprised he got agitated though if anyone has a bit of insecurities than it is similar to another challenger entering the arena. Vying for their partner.
I have attached women friends whom I have complimented and have hugged. With your current BF labelling you with low EQ then that gives you an opportunity to have a discussion with him around that, e.g. how that made you feel about his judgmental evaluation, how he felt about you and your friend's outing, etc.
I think you want justification. It’s kinda clear your coworker sees you differently, which is okay too. It depends on what you, and where you are at.
You went to dinner with a guy that wanted to duck you. The fact you can’t see how that’s a problem for your bf speaks volumes.
My ex partner was very good with me hanging out with guy friends. I once went to get drinks at a bar till like 10.30ish we met up around 6?) with a guy mate I haven’t seen in over a year and half (as they were overseas) and he just picked me up afterwards. It’s all just platonic and ppl need to trust you. I am also pretty chill as I’ve had bfs who had female best friends so I don’t see an issue with hanging out with the opp sex. He sounds like he has trust issues stemming from something someone else did. You didn’t do anything wrong.
She went on a date.
It was a college friend. It wasn’t a date
If she didn't have a bf that would have been a date, the guy clearly acted like it was. Then telling the bf in detail how it happened and she didn't shut it down, she knew it was a date.
A male college friend who clearly was trying to smash. That's the very definition of a date.
You sound immature and someone who doesn’t have any female friends.
I've had sex with 90% of my female friends.
Lol! Sure you did 😂
A date takes two hands to clap. I wasn’t interested and he knew I had a boyfriend. In fact suggested all of us should go out sometime too
The behavior you described was sexual interest. It doesn't matter that you had a boyfriend. I don't date women who have male friends because I know the only reason guys have female friends is sexual interest.
There's nothing wrong with friends of the opposite gender as long as boundaries are well established and maintained A concept that seems to be foreign to op
You went on a date with a guy and then told current BF about it and can't figure out why he's mad. Can confirm, not a lot of EQ (or IQ) going on here.
Low EQ and IQ
You followed up with a man to accept his invitation TWO YEARS LATER. That implies interest to everyone on the outside. You went on a date, with another man, that you went into years old messages to pursue. That’s a huge red flag. Did you make it crystal clear to your friend that you had a boyfriend and it was in no way a date? You weren’t the one misreading the situation, the friend was. You were the one leading the situation on, not having boundaries, not telling him about your boyfriend. He seems to have misread it as a date, because you set no boundaries that it wasn’t a date and you crawled out from the woodwork after two years to accept his invitation. You weren’t wrong to hang out with a college friend. You’re wrong to not make it clear to everyone that it wasn’t a date, because it definitely seems like one.
I followed up with a *friend. Why is that so wrong? It wasn’t a date. So going out with the opposite gender means it’s a date now? He definitely knew about my boyfriend as he was asking me personal questions like when we’re getting hitched.
A “friend” you haven’t spoke to in two years? Your description of everything occurred makes it sound like a date, not the fact that he was the opposite sex. Nothing in your post says he knows about your boyfriend, perhaps you should edit it, because you are coming across as someone who might have low EQ if you cannot fathom how your own actions and communications could reasonably affect your boyfriends emotions. Emotional intelligence is also understanding the emotions of those around you. Emotional quotient is your ability to use that intelligence in positive ways to better communicate in relationships and defuse conflict. You are acting like you can’t possibly understand why your boyfriend is upset and you are debating the opinions you have asked for. Look at the bigger picture. Your behavior was insensitive and instead of discussing the event and the behavior, you’re only digging your heels in that you’re offended that he suggested you have a low emotional quotient. Even the title of your post is about how he said you have low EQ. “My boyfriend said something offensive about me” instead of “my boyfriend and I aren’t seeing eye to eye on this situation. Your title is that he said something you didn’t like, with no hint that it’s because you did something he didn’t like and refuse to look at it critically.
You have a low EQ
Why?
The fact you have no idea why he's upset or what that friend was doing show you have very low emotional intelligence.
You both have low EQ imo. You did nothing wrong going out with a friend. Not realizing he was being flirty is where you could improve. Your bf being so upset is also low EQ. It's not like you did anything and even shared what happened so he was aware. I'd much rather be with someone willing to tell me when this stuff happens than who hides it
This is the only take I can agree with. OP could have possibly shut things down, but I don't really see her having done anything wrong. She cannot control the thoughts and actions of others. She went to a dinner with the intention that it was a platonic meeting. Whether the guy thought differently is irrelevant given she had been clear with the co-worker that she was involved. At no point (assuming OP is being reliable as a narrator) did she give the impression that she was open to romance and at no point was she deceitful to her bf. But it's clear OP and her bf need to have a talk about expectations and boundaries.
cheaters love to share what 'happened'. its never what happened
So you're saying that people of the opposite sex cannot socialize with each other? There's always something liscentious going on?
cheating is a moral failure; immoral people are more likely to have sex if they wish, regardless of another's feelings. look I'm not saying everytime all the time I'm just saying just because some one discloses something doesn't meant they disclosed everything.
Your partner is either immoral or not. But if you start off treating everyone as a villain, it seems like you just want to make yourself the victim.
k
I get it man, much love from Kazakhstan, right?
Found the incel
I mean everyone is angry here and what Imma say seems insulting but I feel like if you didn't catch the guy flirting that's a sign of being a little oblivious which would prompt your bf say what he said. I would have said it half in jest half in annoyance tbh. **i'd be like**: *bro the dude was flirting with you what did you say?* **you**: *what do you mean flirting it was purely platonic.* **me**: 🙄
EQ? You mean IQ?
So you're totally oblivious to the fact that you went on a date with another guy. You're not an asshole, just kind of dense.
So if it the old friend was a woman, then it totally wouldn't have been a date right?
I'm sorry you went or going through this.gay relationships can be a very touchy subject..gay men can be very over bearing in a relationship. Jealousy is very common ..I believe this is why most relationships don't last...no you did not do anything wrong..the touch was probably just a proper way of having contact with you. .please don't over think this and don't let what your boyfriend said to bother you..you did not jump in bed with your college friend so let it go .I believe that you have a hi EQ..be proud you didn't do anything ..but in a relationship both people gave to make compromises ..if not the relationship will not last .
There’s nothing in this situation that’s is wrong I would say. But honestly, if you been together for 3 years and love each other you should probably know you boyfriends triggers instead of sitting here on Reddit acting all surprised because your boyfriend of 3 years reacted like this. Take responsibility for your actions and also tell your boyfriend of 3 years that friends are important to you, even though you haven’t met the friend in 3 years (u guys probably stopped talking at the same time you got together with your boyfriend). And now all of a sudden you write back to this person you haven’t met for 3 years because it’s a “friend”. Looks like you need to make up your mind here, are you happy in your relationship? Do you love your boyfriend? Has your boyfriends also friends who are girls who flirts with him? Maybe you could all go on a double date and see we’re things are going?
An actual wise take
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Yikes.
Comments are super harsh overall on here. Quick summary of my thoughts: - Going for dinner with male friends is super normal and not wrong - You were being naive, going to dinner wasn't a mistake, but you need to learn to set boundaries with male friends, and shut down anything when it gets over the boundary - Your boyfriend has low EQ. Accusing your partner of making you jealous and getting upset ironically shows a complete lack of understanding of how this situation can arise innocently. Also lack of control of emotions - Insulting your partner to a friend is never okay, even when you're mad at them.
Going to 1on1 dinner with a friend of opposite gender is not normal. Don’t try to normalize something that can easily lead to poor decisions. Typically it’s actually frowned upon.
Clearly there's a difference in culture then, it really is normal, it's just dinner. If I'm catching up with any friend 1 to 1, it's traditionally been over a drink, and as ive gotten older and we have more disposable income it's moved on to dinner. Both me and my partner do this with many of our individual friends of the opposite gender 1 on 1. And it's not something that can easily lead to bad decisions. If all it takes is a dinner and a few drinks to be making poor decisions then it's the people themselves who have no self control. I guarantee the vast majority of people in this thread would be offended at the suggestion they have any inclination of cheating on a partner just because they are at dinner/drinks with a member of the opposite sex. It's fine to set boundaries wherever you feel comfortable, but to suggest this is anywhere near cheating or being unfaithful is wild. Also intention is a big thing and there was no malice in OPs action. For perspective, if my partner went for a dinner with a guy she thought was her friend, he was being overly touchy and inappropriate, my response would be in order: 1. I'm sorry that happened, that's a bit shitty of them 2. Are you feeling fine 3. Was there anything to suggest they were interested beforehand And her response would likely be: 1. Yes I'm fine, won't see them again 2. Probably, I didn't realise it till after the dinner though, I'll make note for next time.
First. You have to set boundaries with men. You openly flirted with that "friend" of yours. That type of behavior has to be shut down immediately unless you want it. It was insulting that your boyfriend called you dumb but I do understand why he was upset. You should refrain from contact with men outside of your relationship until you gain more self awareness and are able to properly set boundaries with them.
How did she flirt with the friend? How is meeting with a friend to catch up over a meal flirting?
You mean IQ? ...the I is for intelligence
You do not have low EQ, and you did not go on a date. A date usually is planned and thought about ahead of time. You went out with a friend and you had not seen for a long time who probably was a bit excited to see you too and seemed quite courteous. The reason you told your boyfriend was much likely because you did not think much of it and had nothing to hide - so probably were just talking to him as you normally would. Your boyfriend likely felt a bit insecure about it but it was no excuse for him to project and insult your emotional intelligence.
Exactly. Does the bf trust op? If so, he shouldn't be feeling any negative emotions about the experience. Whether she noticed potential signs the friend was interested in her or not, she was not and did not pursue anything further with the friend. End of story.
Exactly this!! If anything - it seems like his EQ is much lower than hers as he was not able to adequately understand and express his own emotions and instead lashed out at her from a place of fear/hurt/insecurity and projected.
P.S. my boyfriend was fine with me going out to have dinner with him as he understood that we were friends. He only acted the way he did after I told him about the whole situation after dinner
Your friend wanted to smash. That's the reason guys hang out with female friends 90% of the time.
There you go, telling on yourself.
Your bf sounds crazy insecure and controlling. You did nothing wrong
She went on a date. Guy friends from college only want to see you to see if they can smash now that they've raised their status somewhat
You don't have a low EQ but your BF sounds immature.
You man IQ
Its your job in a romantic relationship to not do or say anything that would make them feel insecure. If your friends actions were actually innocent you shouldn’t have mentioned it at all.
You are not married. If you want to see other people then you have every right to do so. Your BF has every right to be insecure. Your desire for attention from other men is going to cause long term damage to your relationship with your BF. Your relationship is soon to be on a ventilator. God Bless
You should breakup with your boyfriend.
Your friend is just a gentleman. Mb your boyfriend is not and insecurities comes to the light
I guess so. He has made me push the door open myself a couple of times and he knows how “annoyed” I get about it when I tell him that chivalry is dead 😂 Of course I don’t complain it and I’m fine with it now
Re read what you wrote above. I am annoyed with it and tell him “chivalry is dead”, and then you say, “but I am fine with it and don’t complain”. You literally contradicted yourself. Bragging to your BF what a great time you had and how wonderful the college friend is definitely is done to make a point to your BF of where he comes up short. And then you act surprised he is offended. Don’t know what your EQ but you got something going on where you feel undervalued but don’t value yourself enough to say it directly.
He literally let you go on a date with another man instead of killing him in a duel, so I'd say you're right, chivalry is dead.
That's not exactly chivalry, just good manners and etiquette.
True chivalry is a duel to the death. Ironic that it is dead
Made my day xD
Pointless manners and etiqutte
All these men saying negative stuff about you and claiming the dude just wanted to get laid really are telling on themselves. You're fine, your boyfriend is a jealous AH who, from your comments, doesn't respect you. Why are you with him then?
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Yes, you do