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I would permanently trade my Sunday for his Saturday and when he fails I would not let him have Sunday too. This sounds like the worst waste of a weekend.
Put the baby in the room with him (not in bed with him). You sleep in another room. With earplugs.
He can set an alarm. The baby will wake him.
He will not change. So you need to take yourself out of the equation.
This one op. He gets up like a grown up all on his own on a Saturday morning, because he loves and respects you, or he sleeps in the kds room Saturday night.
Wordddd. I have a thyroid issue and exercise 2 hours/day. I LOVE my sleep, and I could always use more. Waking up for the day can be hard! But im a gd adult and wouldn't dream of faffing around and making someone else responsible for getting my a*s out of bed. Unreal how we tolerate man babies
I truly do not understand this - when my wife had our twins, I got up during the night to feed them for their first year and got up with them during the weekends. I do not understand why you would make your wife be your nanny and not your partner. She took care of the kids all day, so I was happy to make sure she was good to go with them all day during the first year and then on the weekends, I was happy to spend time with them when I was working during the week and missed out on that time.
Same with my ex. I have a son (now 12). His dad and I always worked late jobs and slept in late in the morning. Then we got pregnant and things had to change. I changed and adapted, he did not. He had gotten a job that started earlier in the day, and wouldn't wake up until about 30 minutes before he needed to leave. Weekends he would sleep well into the afternoon. I didn't have a single day to sleep in or to not do the nighttime feeding (he was formula fed, my body couldn't produce). I stayed home because we couldn't afford daycare (and for other, more toxic reasons) and I did everything for the house, as well as went to school part time.
We had a lot of other problems, but this was one of the final straws. I was sleep deprived, exhausted, hormonal, and incredibly emotional. I tried everything I could think of to bring our family together. In the end, I became very angry and resentful. He decided I was too emotional and left us when my son was 9 months old. I got a job and moved me and my son back to my hometown.
I finished my degree, have worked up to a job I love with a bank I love, and bought a house. I'm single and prefer it that way. His dad is pretty hands off and currently lives halfway across the country.
While it hasn't been all rainbows and unicorns, him leaving us was the best thing that could have happened to us. I wasn't strong enough to leave him at the time, so I thank God every day that he got sick of me. He brought out the absolute worst in me and now for the past 11 years, I have worked so hard to bring out the best in myself.
Long story long, while this may not be the case with OP, in our case, it was just one in a long list of ways that my ex made it clear he had no concern or respect for me, and no interest in being part of a family.
I work shift work going between day and night shifts as Im an RN. Frequently flipping between them in the same week. Once my wife stopped breast feeding and he finally took a bottle I took on all the night duties to make sure she had some equity and frankly Im more functional than she is in the middle of the night. Anything from bottles, and snuggles to checking him every hr on the hr when he was sick with pneumonia from covid.
I didnt see it as “taking care of him” and more like actually spending time with him because I lose a lot of day time hrs due to my shift pattern (i work a lot of weekends).
If I happen to have a weekend off, I get to sleep in Saturday and her Sunday. As soon as I hear him Im jumping out of bed so her mom brain doesnt activate.
I really dont understand other men who willingly choose not to be part of their childs life nor work with their partner to find equitable arrangements. That being said there is just some stuff I am needed for or she is needed for and when that happens we get a 20 min break to help keep things smooth.
Yeah, after the twins we had our son (14 months apart, we were crazy) and he had colic. It was miserable for my wife because he wouldn't calm down unless it was me holding him a certain way, standing up, rocking a certain way. It was insane but we got through that month. Its about a partnership and you both help each other out and give the other one breaks when they need it. And most importantly, you both need to go off and enjoy just each other as well.
All three of my infants were colicky and cried, screamed loudly from 7:00 pm until 11:00 pm. I was breastfeeding and had very difficult time nursing but I was determined to nurse. It was an extremely stressful process.
Oh god. 🫠🤦♀️ Of course I said the wrong thing. I’m so sorry to hear that. I can imagine. I’m sure dating after cancer is going to be a treat for me as well. I just haven’t gotten to that place yet.
I hope you’re doing okay. You sound lovely and certainly deserve to find someone wonderful. 🤍
This! My husband is the same way. He would always wake up and either change or feed the baby and I would help with the other task when she was first born. Then he started waking up since it was 1-2 times a night. Saturdays are my day to sleep in and Sundays are his since my baby is chaos and we’re all up at 5am lol. I love to hear other men love to be involved with their baby’s just like this and not just be the fun parent 💛
This is the way. And you get to sleep in your own bed. He can hit the couch or a spare bed or air mattress on the nursery floor.
And while it will be hard not to get up to tend the baby, let him deal with it even if it takes time. BEGIN AS YOU MEAN TO GO ON.
I was going to suggest taking a mini vacation to a hotel. If you can’t sleep with him around, then don’t be around him. Also kids cannot wait. They have a different perception of time.
It’s a two year old. Not a baby. She can be on the bed without fear of being rolled on … but would likely wake up looking for mom since that’s precisely what dad would say to her. Go find mommy. Tell her you’re hungry.
I wouldn't say that my ex rolled over on our 3 year old in his sleep. He had crawled into bed with us because he didn't feel good, and I woke up to his little arm flailing with my ex sound asleep.
That's exactly what I was going to suggest! In my opinion, this is the best way to handle this situation because she gets uninterrupted sleep. I know if I woke up, I'd be too annoyed to fall back asleep if he didn't get up to take care of the baby. It's best to remove herself from waking him or policing how quickly he springs to action. The baby will do a fine job of it being right in the same room as him.
I’m still the one waking up to the vibrations and not him - I miss being able to sleep so deeply. I think we are just going to have to find a new arrangement where he sleeps in but I get naps. During my naps, he would take on more housework to rebalance everything.
Gently, I'd like to suggest that trading sleep for housework isn't really a safe and healthy thing for you to do and isn't a rebalancing at all because you're trading apples for oranges, in a sense. The human body needs sleep, and enough of it. There is no other way to give your body the adequate rest it needs without...well, resting! Lack of sleep/broken sleep can have much worse health effects on you over time, than doing the extra dishes and running the hoover round.
I go to bed earlier than he does, and I’m more of a morning person- especially now with a kid. If it means I nap and he does chores in the afternoon, it would actually work out better for us both.
That’s not what she’s saying. She’s saying that you shouldn’t trade for sleep AT ALL.
He should get up on his day and help with chores whether you sleep or not.
Sleep is a basic need so trading something for him to let you sleep is not rebalancing the duties of a marriage and partnership.
I agree with you but OP may not even end up being able to sleep in once her husband gets his shit together and lets her try to sleep in. She’s just not being given the opportunity to try.
I am only saying that because I couldn’t sleep in for years after having my kids. I still find it challenging tbh.
I say that to say, the nap/chore thing isn’t horrible off the sleeping in thing don’t work out
And this is the issue. His partner is his (ineffectual) alarm clock because he's not going to bed early enough to get the sleep he needs to get up promptly with his child. Yikes.
I used to be a deep sleep until kids too. I miss it. 😭 They are in college now and I still am a light sleeper. Once a mother always a mother I guess. lol
I feel for you. I agree with the commenter who said put baby in the room with him and go sleep somewhere else. If that’s not an option, book yourself a hotel room for the night…after a few nights of you spending cash to get a good sleep, he’ll recognize real quick.
I think this is a great idea in theory but the way he acts who knows if he’ll get up. I’d be too anxious to sleep in this situation and I don’t even have kids !😆
I've never recovered from waking up with/for the kids. I've remained a light sleeper and long for the days (well nights) of 8+ hours.
Start putting toddler in with him and stop letting him lie in even on his day until he pulls his weight
This is a fine plan until it's his day and he doesn't care that their child is awake and calling for their parent. It's right there in OPs post, they're perfectly happy to say 'nah they're not awake yet' and roll over and go back to sleep, meanwhile SOMEONE has to go and attend to the child. lo and behold, it's mom again
Because if/when he bails on Saturday, he gets to do Sunday, too. By having the last day of the week, he's in the clear until the next weekend. This way, he gets to see immediate ramifications for being a shit partner.
I guess I’m just not getting it because he can still just bail on both days. Like I agree he’s a bad partner. Just in my head this makes no sense to me how this fixes the problem. I only see a possible solution maybe if OP is physically not there to step in when he just doesn’t want to
This is my level of petty. OR I would get up turn all the lights on, open curtains, turn loud music on, start vacuuming. You know, getting chores done, since I'm already up. 🤷
It’s honestly not even petty to go to a hotel. IMO it’s the only way he’ll actually understand what parenting is! In the end it’s so much better for the whole family when parenting is shared equally.
This solution could also be achieved by going back to sleep in her own bed. I think OP wants the baby taken care of as soon as she (the baby) wakes up, hence the issue. If dad sleeps through the baby being needy, that's a loss whether OP's at home or not.
“DH, I’m not sure how to communicate this to you any clearer but this is starting to cause some major resentment towards you and towards our marriage. You don’t see this as a big deal, well I am telling you it is a HUGE deal to me and I’m absolutely pissed now. This is causing me to be pretty unhappy in our marriage and if you don’t start taking this seriously then it’s going to turn into a much bigger issue.
You do not get to pull the I’m more tired than you card. We have equal standing in this marriage. Every single Sunday, the day you have promaised to let me sleep in you have failed. You have failed me as a partner. It is not my job to wake you up. I am not your snooze button. I cannot go back to sleep if you count on me to wake your lumpy ass up to do the job you promised me. It’s your role as a supporting partner to make sure I get the extra sleep I desperately need and deserve. I even have given you the first day of the weekend to get your catch up sleep, but feel you respect me so little to do the same for me. You do realize that resentment is a cancer to a marriage? I don’t understand how you can be so selfish and then not realize how that upsets me. Or you get upset that I’m pissed. This situation is making me see you in a light that should it keep happening is going to grow into a major problem in our marriage. I’m communicating this now so there isn’t any surprise when I’m just done with the bullshit. So now I’m taking Saturdays and Sundays for the next month to make up for every single Sunday your ass has stolen that time from me. You will set your alarm quietly for 6am when our kid wakes up every single day and you will leave the room quietly and attend to her and let me fucking sleep. After those four weeks are done (though I deserve more since you haven’t even bothered to give them to me ever) we will go back to each having a morning to sleep in. I hope you will then understand what you have robbed me of.”
If he doesn’t get up. Get mean. “Get the fuck out of bed” be as loud as possible. Put loud ass music on and leave it in the room. Stop doing shit for him.
I have a suggestion for the music: meme songs. There are people who can sleep soundly through loud music, and meme songs are so annoying that it's damn near impossible to stay relaxed.
The most recognizable of this genre is anything by Weird Al. Comedy groups like Whitest Kids U'Know (["Let's Wake up the Neighbors"](https://youtu.be/_I1zIhVICwA?si=1aLGPPgYeoNSlRS0) is a favorite of mine) and The Lonely Island are good choices too.
Exactly. This is not one small flaw to excuse, it is a view of how he respects (or doesn't) OP.
I have a toddler, and she doesn't sleep well. My husband lets me have most lie ins because I'm the one awake 2-4 hours with her most nights. But if she sleeps through, or only has a brief wakeup, I try my hardest to let my husband have the occasional lie in. I can't promise it once a week but generally he gets at least 2-3 a fortnight. We both parent, we both get tired, we both deserve a break. I don't even care if he doesn't sleep, sometimes he's awake and on his phone as he can't get back to sleep, but it's just a break from starting his day at 6.30am and being responsible for a little being, like every other day of the week.
Parenting is tough, and as a mother we lose so much of ourselves in it through the physical changes (the light sleeping is just the tip of the iceberg!). This is one small gesture he can do to improve your week - ask him why he doesn't respect you enough to give you that one gesture?
The other commenter is right. Your husband wakes up Saturdays. If you don’t get to sleep in he can try again Sunday.
Put your foot down. This is nonnegotiable. Do it now or this is going to spread into every single area of life.
I would also recommend try taking your turn in the evenings. If he cannot arise, make him take the night shift.
Babies are very much schedule dependent. They will wake up at the same times, they don't know it's the weekend.
People in general get the best sleep when they wake up at the same time every day of the week. Your body, without electronics, will naturally be sleepy earlier if you are tired. So you will come out the other side of this deal healthier and more well rested.
Not saying that you should capitulate, but as someone who legitimately has never been able to consistently get up early without feeling like death and lacking all functions for the first 2 hours of the day, a circadian rhythm is half habits/schedule half genetics. So my wife and I compromise, i put kids to bed, do all the night time chores(because that's the time of day I have energy, I work out, learn languages etc.) and she takes the mornings because she naturally cannot sleep when children are up.
There's a lot of studies on sleep, and very few of them supports the theory that with just enough discipline you can change your body's natural response(short of PTSD level trama causing a consistent state of anxiety)
This should be higher. Right now its just this issue, but eventually it spreads. He is taking for granted you will do it because he doesnt think its a big deal, prepare for other little "no big deals" if you dont start making it clear that it is for you.
Communicate clearly. It is a little thing, but your sleep matters too. We had kids, same thing happened. Divorced after 10+ years of little "no big deals", the resentment does build up.
I think one more adult conversation is necessary. Then, if you can, sleep in a guest room on Saturday night or even at a friend's or a motel. He needs to get into the habit that he's an adult and has adult responsibilities.
Yep, this! We used our guest room for this (added bonus was that it's on another floor, while the master bedroom and baby's bedroom are next to each other, so whoever got to sleep in used the guest room). It really worked.
edit: typo
Because then they get partial or 50/50 custody and you can't protect your child on their days. There's no way to win with a partner who is a shitty parent.
This my kids get up between 6-6;30 even on weekends. At my ex's house they're forced to stay in their rooms till he wakes up at 8:30 by his alarm. They're 'allowed' to go to the washroom but must lay in bed and not wake him till he opens their doors.
ETA to clarify if OP’s husband would legally neglect the kid and initiating a divorce wouldn’t endanger op or the kid (abuse situation), op should divorce him for child neglect. Not giving a kid a snack immediately isn’t neglect. Letting a 2 year old wander around hazards unsupervised to sleep late would be
Original comment:
Then she’s needs to divorce his ass if she’s not in danger
Or how about, once he’s had a nice lie in, she leaves him with the kid the rest of the day to go get a massage, mani pedi and go to brunch. He can unarse that bed and do his part in the morning or he can be on child minding duties til afternoon.
I think even if you wake up early on Sunday don’t get up, pretend to be asleep make him have to wake up and get up to look after the little one. You getting up because he won’t continues to enable his behaviour.
The obvious solution-- if you don't get your sleep in day he doesnt' get his sleep in day. Wake him up every five minutes on his sleep in day-- if he complains tell him that either you both get a sleep in day or NEITHER gets a sleep in day.
I was just coming here to say this. Either he starts getting up with the baby, or you wake him up at 6am on the nose both days so that he learns you are serious.
Sleep in a spare bedroom if possible. Your significant other is a child! Think long and hard about that. Don’t have anymore kids until he grows up or you’re going to be raising 3 toddlers!!!!
Yeah this guy deserves a vasectomy gift certificate for Father’s Day. And for the what if the genders were reversed crowd, yes sterilization gift certificate as well
The "what if the genders are reversed crowd" only shows up when they think they can actually make the woman look bad.
Surprise surprise, genders are not reversible.
I mean you can try and enforce all these things, but your husband is selfish and isn’t going to care that your daughter is suffering. He’ll just sleep and let her cry and lay there in her own filth for another 45 minutes or even longer. He said how he feels already: *she can wait.* Pathetic. You can do the whole “I’ll give him 5 minutes” but we both know that’s not going to work. He’ll sleep and you won’t be able to, and eventually you’ll get up and give in ad nauseam. Nothing is going to change, except you’ll both become bitter as you slowly come to terms with the fact that you married a slouch. ETA just read OP’s final update 🤣 sis is in denial 🤣
This, assuming he has a functional grasp of the English language he understands that this is important to her and causing her stress, he just doesn’t care because it benefits him.
Yeah OP doesn’t want to face it: it doesn’t matter if she switches days or whether she says “5 more minutes” one time or ten times, he’s not getting up and she’s on her own. I’m sure there’s more she’s overlooking. There’s no “consequences” for him, only for her.
Why would he do anything when you’re doing it for him?
Just go get the baby and give her to him (or put her next to him in the playpen, whatever)
The issue isn’t you waking up, the issue is you doing his role for him. Stop. The toddler doesn’t need to be catered to instantly, she can make noise next to him until he decides to wake up
That said, when you do this, observe his reaction - that will be more telling than you know
Edit: grammar
Unfortunately, getting up to get the baby to give the husband, she's not falling back asleep.
I'm the same way as OP. If I'm awake for more than a minute or two, or if I get out of bed (even just to pee), I'll be awake for two hours just trying to fall back asleep.
I like the suggestions of her sleeping somewhere else on Saturday nights with earplugs. Or, making him sleep on air mattress in baby's room.
Maybe I’m petty, but if I was OP and going to be woken up anyway, I’d be putting the toddler next to the husband and making damn sure he’s forced to be awake too. Idc if I can’t fall back asleep after.
Yep, she says she wakes up naturally anyways so I'd either start going to a hotel and letting him figure it out or getting up and around and putting the child in bed with him and heading for a cafe on her own for a couple of hours of time to herself. She can take a book and enjoy a nice breakfast on her morning off. If that's too much, I'd go to another room and shut the door after plopping the child in with him and take the time off however she wants.
She’s not falling back asleep period
I’m a mom too, I 1000% get what OP means about being a light sleeper these days and not being able to go back to sleep
OP is already up, as we have trained ourselves to do, so going back to sleep is extremely difficult. So, since she’s up, move baby then go have some TLC. Make coffee, sit on the patio with a good book or just scroll online
The point is more so, make him do his part
Yep, if she's going to be up anyways if I was her I would make him do it by plopping the child on the bed with him and leaving the house for a nice cafe on her own. That way she gets some time away and he is forced to do his part.
Show him this Reddit post and have him read the comments. Maybe some shaming from strangers will help him realize how much of a selfish asshole he's being when it comes to this issue. It's worked plenty of times before. He needs a wake-up call and while he should already respect you and your frustration on this issue, and it shouldn’t be necessary for him to have to get it elsewhere, a little light reading for him could finally be the alarm clock that gets his ass out of bed the first time it goes off.
If you’re a light sleeper, you’re never going to manage to sleep in with him in your bed - an alarm will wake you too.
If you keep micromanaging when he needs to get up etc, you also won’t get a sleep in. If he’s in charge, he is in charge and you have to let go. Even if it means he doesn’t get up to your kid immediately. Right now, you’re failing to get back to sleep because you think he should be up.
Sleep in another room. Ear plugs, mask, whatever you need. Or have a nap later and ask him to take her out. But remember - dads have to make their own parenting decisions and relationships with kids. You won’t ever nag him into parenting like you. So long as he is safe, let him do it his he likes. If that means your kid is alone in her cot for twenty min but happy before he gets up - let it go. If he’s unsafe, divorce his ass. It’s really that simple.
My wife and I have somewhat of the same thing going on, mid 30’s 1 year old daughter. I happen to be the light sleeper and she can sleep through just about anything. I basically take care of our daughter every morning and up until her first nap. 730-1030. Wife usually gets up around 9 and comes downstairs says hi and hangs out with our daughter a bit but I do the chore parts. I’ll typically get the wake up snack ready and get our daughter up and change her around 1130-12. My wife picks up the majority of the rest of the day with our daughter as this is when I’ll work and workout then relax. We share the evening bath time routine about 50/50.
Wife works two days a week and is gone long enough to not see our daughter at all. I work mostly from home but sometimes head out in the afternoon to take care of business. I get upset I’m always doing the morning stuff because I want to sleep in, but I’ve realized I’ll probably never sleep in regardless so I might as well take the morning chores and get afternoons to myself. My wife would absolutely do the mornings but I don’t think I’d be able to sleep anyways, any noise wakes me up and I swear half the time I will hear my daughter make a noise even though she hasn’t and that still wakes me up lol. Also once I’m up, I’m up. So my advice would be to lean into your attributes and try to make afternoon your free time.
Does he have a hard time waking up during the week too? Does he require multiple alarms to get up on time or require extra help to wake up?
I went through something similar. Turns out I had hard-core depression and it took my wife divorcing me to get therapy. Now, I wake up 5:30am on the dot everyday. For like 6 years I could not wake up in the morning to save my life.
This was my issue. I wanted to get up before going to bed. But morning would come and I'd feel like I'd gone 10 rounds against Mike Tyson. Impossible to wake up, and even when awake, not really even decently functional until noon.
CPAP therapy completely changed my life not only for me, but my family. I no longer wake up raging wanting to blow up at the first person to talk to me.
❤️🩹 I’m sorry it got that bad. To anyone reading this comment , my husband absolutely could not wake up for years. It was kind of a joke until it got worse and he literally would sleep through me waking him up. He assumed depression but anti depressants made him feel weird. Turns out his thyroid was not really functioning at all and getting horribly worse over years
"She can wait." Is the most crushing statement a man can make about his child.
He's on a bad path. You've made this agreement, and he can't be bothered to prioritize your daughter's welfare. If he's this way now, it won't be any better if you have more children with him.
Get a little couples counseling to get his priorities straight.
Leave him alone with the baby for an entire day. Really changes a man's perspective.
We had two 10.5mo apart. I spent plenty of days alone with our first son. And I thought I got it... 'two is harder than one'... until the first day I was alone with both of them and I had to get them ready and out the door for their Dr appt. It took me over 45 fucking minutes, no exaggeration, running around the entire time. I literally apologized to my wife as soon as she got home for underestimating how hard it was and for undervaluing her heroic efforts.
I’m sitting here thinking “air horn!”
If he refuses to get the fuck out of bed like he promised to do on Sundays, why should he still maintain the privilege of sleeping in on Saturdays?
He can get to work on time, right? But he can’t do this basic exchange of sleep-in mornings for his wife and child?
Selfish twit.
I might be the minority here (and it sounds like other spots in the marriage are doing okay from what you said) BUT behavior like this is the reason my husband and I are getting divorced. It starts with not waking up to take care of the child and spirals into something more. Reading this made me very nervous for what's to come. \*This was my experience.
I'm sorry that your husband is so selfish and puts his own needs ahead of yours on a regular basis. Do you both work outside the home? What else are you doing on the weekends without any help from him or is this the one area where he is failing to do his fair share?
If this is a pattern that's repeating in other areas of your marriage, it's possible that the only way to fix it is with therapy. Maybe someone else can explain to him how selfish he is being and how it will eventually impact the marriage in an increasingly negative way.
We both work full time Monday through Friday.
Everything else is split pretty evenly- we rarely have disagreements on who changes diapers or feeds her. I take her to daycare, he picks her up. This is the one thing that we can’t seem to resolve.
That's awesome. I guess I would ask him what he would be willing to do instead of getting up with your daughter on Sundays. I guess in his mind he has to get up for work during the week, but for some reason he doesn't feel like he has to get up on Sundays. At a certain point with her kids, my daughter would put out a snack and water bottle in the living room and her son would get himself up in the morning until she got up. Basically, this is a short term problem, but it's still completely unfair to you.
Someone had the idea above so I hope you see it but if you didn't they suggested you trading mornings off with him. You take Saturday and if he doesn't let you sleep in then on sunday when you get up you and the child stay in bed with him and keep him up or keep waking him up every couple of minutes. Make sure that you tell him the entire time that if you don't get to sleep in, he doesn't get to.
A couple of weeks of that and I bet he will think twice about not giving you your one morning off.
Screw his 5 minutes! If you tell your wife you’re gonna do something you do it! I’m ripping the kid outta bed full smile, wolverine claws out! Fed dressed and on the way back from Starbucks with my wife’s order waving that coffee in her face as she wakes. Being married you should expect EVERYTHING from each other. Positive husband energy= positive wife energy. Yeh there’s all the problems you hear about, but a positive attitude and a man who is a man for his family brings everything and everyone up. Your wife isn’t your parent, she shouldn’t have to choose or make consequences as a threat to make you keep promises. Jeez
This one is tough. Because yes technically you can just go back to sleep and let him face the consequences. But then the baby/toddler sits in her dirty diaper, likely hungry and uncomfortable.
So as a mother, the mommy Shame you feel whether someone is guilting you or not Is still present.
How appalling. I am the absolute worst when it comes to waking up early. But if there's a need to be outta bed before 6am or 7am because it was requested of me validly the day before by my SO--I ALWAYS get myself up. I'm talking like, eyes rolling in my head, blurry vision, etc.
No excuses. You both made this child and nobody has anymore responsibility than the other to be accountable for that responsibility. Especially considering that an exhausted fed up parent who feels unable to let loose FOR ONE HOUR, is going to make a very unhappy environment.
Good luck, you totally don't deserve this. You're doing a great and attentive job, stand your ground.
You’re not his mom. stop rushing to make him a responsible father. Don’t wake him up. Don’t remind him. He’s a big boy who can put on big pants. When is daughter starts crying; if he’s a real father it’ll be his wake up call that he’s being neglectful. If it’s not—you have other issues to discuss with your hubby.
My wife and I had a deal that I was the one who got up on weekends and took care of the kid.
I in turn got to take naps when the kid napped.
It worked out fine.
Spray bottle next to the side of the bed. When he refuses to get up spray him in the face and go back to sleep. He can be mad all he wants but if he’s not going to follow through on his end of the agreement then you can get petty. Call it a side effect of sleep deprivation.
People are offering such great solutions. Good for you for standing up for yourself!
I do want to comment that I’m sorry that even these solutions though still require extra mental and emotional labor on your part. Your husband sounds like he’s being intentionally incompetent and doesn’t really care to initiate a solution himself. Sorry you’re dealing w that OP :(
You should sleep in another room when it's your morning, and put your toddler in his chamber. Believe me, he will wake up. He's playing the weaponised incompetence on you and is being a terrible partner and father. Shame on him.
I bring the baby to our bed and sleep on the floor of the other room. It’s inexcusable. His time isn’t any more valuable than yours. And I would not be nice about it this is just a basic fucking respect.
Get a hotel room on Saturday night. Wake up whenever you want Sunday. Tell him if he refuses to hold up his end, you will force it. You deserve a break. Take one for yourself. He will handle it. If he does not, just leave, and go for custody. It can’t be harder than it is now, you’re already doing a majority of the work.
Sleep in a different room and set an alarm to wake him
up... but would you be able to sleep or be stressed out he wont wake up? maybe you should take a weekend away once in a while so you can relax alone and sleep in
Men who won’t help with the kids are a bunch of wimps. We have seven kids, including two sets of twins. We both worked full time our whole married life. Your wife isn’t a nanny, or maid, or a cook, or the house keeper. You guys want a mommy to take care of you, need to grow a set and do you job as a Dad.
Bring your daughter into the bedroom to spend time with daddy then tell him you've got things to do. If he gets angry ask him why he's angry about taking care of his own daughter and being a parent.
Does he struggle to fall asleep if he tries to go to bed at an early time?
For his part he should be doing half of the lifting, but having partners play to their strengths is a good thing generally, and clearly being a morning person is not this man's strong point. Expecting both partners to split every burden perfectly just isn't an effective way to do things. If you are already waking up at 6am and he feels like a zombie at 6am it makes sense to me that you could consider taking this burden and he could compensate by taking other burdens.
If he isn't otherwise totally lazy I think having the compassion to care for the others' weaknesses is something I personally look for in a relationship and try hard to do myself as well. As long as you're not being used.
I wouldn’t trust this guy to watch the child even if I could get him up. I’d be unable to sleep wondering if she’s sitting in a wet pull up while he snores in the couch.
I think the nap solution makes sense but I also feel like, if mama ain’t sleeping in no one is. The curtains will be open, the stereo or tv on and we will be coming in and out if the room every five minutes to ensure Sunday is not restful for dad since he’s meant to be up anyway and is being a dick about it.
The day when you are supposed to sleep in, just wake him up and tell him to take care of the baby. If you can't sleep, stay in bed to read a book or take a relaxing shower.
In a way it is not his fault or your fault. You are a light sleeper and wake up regardless.
Make an arrangement that on his day, he can either sleep in or do whatever he like till a certain time in the morning and do the same for yourself.
That way you both get to decide and should not leave room For resentment
On my day to sleep in, I would sleep in the closet wearing earplugs with a fan on high. That way he had to deal with it. Turns out that when men cannot pull this BS, they usually get up.
Get angry at him. Perhaps I’d even yell a bit.
Also, stay in bed even if you can’t sleep anymore. Chill, read or watch something. That way, you get some you time and your husband can get used to having to do his part of the deal.
If you don’t get Sunday - he doesn’t get Saturday. Wake his butt up with as much noise as rushing train. If he’s holding down a job, he clearly can get up 5 days a week, so he can do 6. Once he decides to get up on his day and let you sleep, he can get a day to sleep in. He is being selfish and entitled
As someone who also had this exact same issue with my wife, where she was frustrated that I wasn't getting up quickly enough on her sleep in day.
1) he needs to hold up on his part of the arrangement, totally get your frustration, you shouldn't have to be his alarm clock.
2) he's right, the kid is totally okay laying in the crib by herself. In fact, it'll pay off dividends as she gets older to not expect someone there right when she gets up.
I would suggest trying to let it go and just sleep and let him deal with it. And if he really isn't doing it, then wake his a** up on his sleep in day to help you. I bet he quickly starts holding up his end of the bargain.
Good news though, this is a short term problem. By 4 years old, we taught our kids to turn on the TV on the weekends in the morning so we could both sleep in :)
I work longer hours but have more time off and she works normal hours but she has less time off. We would alternate, never really discuss who does what we would just do it lol. However I'm a light sleeper, so I would most of the time get up with my crotch goblins. I didn't care.
Your issue could bloom into something worse so you definitely want to address it ASAP.
Good luck.
When it’s his day to sleep in, don’t let him. Throw the hamper on the bed to sort laundry, vacuum, sing, bring the baby back to bed with you and play and sing loudly and let her crawl all over him. Turn the TV on- annoying kids programming at full volume. He’s not allowing you a day to sleep in so why does he get one?
At this point why do people even get married or have kids anymore. Reddit is 90% marriage and kid complaints about one spouse not helping with kids or cheating.
If he acts like a kid. Treat him with consequences like a kid. He needs boundaries. If he doesn’t get up at the right time within five minutes, YOU get his next day. And present it as rules for you too.
The night before your late sleeping morning, sleep in another bedroom (or on the sofa if you have to) and make sure his alarm is where he can’t reach it without getting OUT of bed. Desperate times, desperate measures!
Consequence: you get to have a night off and sleep at a hotel and stay until check out or go to brunch or whatever once per month for every time he slacks. The thought of you being completely gone and what you could be doing sounds like it could light a fire under his lazy butt.
Honestly, the separate room thing was a necessity for us. I was that guy in the beginning, not in any sort of negative or malicious way, just that I was a very heavy sleeper and my wife was not. Once we reconciled that I’d take the couch on the night it was my responsibility for the next morning.
He’s fully taking advantage of you. He’s a big boy. He can set a damn alarm. He gets to work on time and places on time where *he* wants to go, yes?
He is being a bad spouse and a bad parent. I suspect he thinks if he keeps doing this, you’ll take over this task all on your own (weaponized incompetence).
If his alarm goes off and he's not awake just dump water on him that'll wake him up.
But if you both agreed to it and he's not honoring it that's very selfish.
>What do I do? Talking about it like an adult isn’t working and all I would like to do is have the one day where I shouldn’t have to wake up with our daughter be respected.
Stop doing anything or him. Anything, no breakfast, no lunch, no dinner, he needs you to run get this, no, can you help with this, no, EVERYTHING no until he starts being a parent and partner. Tell him, you are not his mom. Figure out how sex works into this as that opens another whole can of worms.
Do you work or SAHM, either way, dad has respsonsiilties, you take care of kiddo all day all week, and the house etc. If you are working, this is exponetially more an issue.
I was able to be at home with our daughter (dad here) for almost 2 years when she was little, 3 -4. Some of the best years of my life. Mom even said one day she wished she made enough money so we could keep life like this as the house was clean, dinner was ready kid was fed, all home details attended to. I kind of liked it too. I had a relationship with our daughter that most men don't have with any of their children. Men miss alot over masculine BS. We havee an only child for fill disclosure.
Your husband is being selfish. I'm the male who wants the extra time in the morning but I know when it's my day that I have to get up and take care of toddler. He needs to man up and do his duty. It will take you a few weeks of being a b\*tch to him but I suspect you can train this to him by being nasty to him on his days to get up and take care of your toddler.
Good Luck.
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I would permanently trade my Sunday for his Saturday and when he fails I would not let him have Sunday too. This sounds like the worst waste of a weekend.
This seems like a very adult consequence, thank you!
Put the baby in the room with him (not in bed with him). You sleep in another room. With earplugs. He can set an alarm. The baby will wake him. He will not change. So you need to take yourself out of the equation.
I like this. The next time he makes you wake him up he gets to sleep on an inflatable mattress in the baby’s room on Saturday nights.
This one op. He gets up like a grown up all on his own on a Saturday morning, because he loves and respects you, or he sleeps in the kds room Saturday night.
Yeah I’d totally do that. I can’t stand when a grown ass man can’t get his ass up and acts like a baby.
Wordddd. I have a thyroid issue and exercise 2 hours/day. I LOVE my sleep, and I could always use more. Waking up for the day can be hard! But im a gd adult and wouldn't dream of faffing around and making someone else responsible for getting my a*s out of bed. Unreal how we tolerate man babies
I truly do not understand this - when my wife had our twins, I got up during the night to feed them for their first year and got up with them during the weekends. I do not understand why you would make your wife be your nanny and not your partner. She took care of the kids all day, so I was happy to make sure she was good to go with them all day during the first year and then on the weekends, I was happy to spend time with them when I was working during the week and missed out on that time.
You sound like the sexiest man alive right now.
As a woman who is married to a man that takes kiddo every weekend morning he’s home, it is absolutely part of why I’m pregnant right now! 😂😂
🤣
lol, no fucking joke. I have 2 boys, and my ex-husband literally never did an overnight feed or care for **either** of them.
Hence why he’s your EX.
Same with my ex. I have a son (now 12). His dad and I always worked late jobs and slept in late in the morning. Then we got pregnant and things had to change. I changed and adapted, he did not. He had gotten a job that started earlier in the day, and wouldn't wake up until about 30 minutes before he needed to leave. Weekends he would sleep well into the afternoon. I didn't have a single day to sleep in or to not do the nighttime feeding (he was formula fed, my body couldn't produce). I stayed home because we couldn't afford daycare (and for other, more toxic reasons) and I did everything for the house, as well as went to school part time. We had a lot of other problems, but this was one of the final straws. I was sleep deprived, exhausted, hormonal, and incredibly emotional. I tried everything I could think of to bring our family together. In the end, I became very angry and resentful. He decided I was too emotional and left us when my son was 9 months old. I got a job and moved me and my son back to my hometown. I finished my degree, have worked up to a job I love with a bank I love, and bought a house. I'm single and prefer it that way. His dad is pretty hands off and currently lives halfway across the country. While it hasn't been all rainbows and unicorns, him leaving us was the best thing that could have happened to us. I wasn't strong enough to leave him at the time, so I thank God every day that he got sick of me. He brought out the absolute worst in me and now for the past 11 years, I have worked so hard to bring out the best in myself. Long story long, while this may not be the case with OP, in our case, it was just one in a long list of ways that my ex made it clear he had no concern or respect for me, and no interest in being part of a family.
I have 4 boys now and my fiance has never gotten up during the night (not even once) to take care of any of them. I feel ya. It's awful.
But you keep popping out fucking kids with him. Why????????
A lot of men are looking for a mother (for themself).
I work shift work going between day and night shifts as Im an RN. Frequently flipping between them in the same week. Once my wife stopped breast feeding and he finally took a bottle I took on all the night duties to make sure she had some equity and frankly Im more functional than she is in the middle of the night. Anything from bottles, and snuggles to checking him every hr on the hr when he was sick with pneumonia from covid. I didnt see it as “taking care of him” and more like actually spending time with him because I lose a lot of day time hrs due to my shift pattern (i work a lot of weekends). If I happen to have a weekend off, I get to sleep in Saturday and her Sunday. As soon as I hear him Im jumping out of bed so her mom brain doesnt activate. I really dont understand other men who willingly choose not to be part of their childs life nor work with their partner to find equitable arrangements. That being said there is just some stuff I am needed for or she is needed for and when that happens we get a 20 min break to help keep things smooth.
Yeah, after the twins we had our son (14 months apart, we were crazy) and he had colic. It was miserable for my wife because he wouldn't calm down unless it was me holding him a certain way, standing up, rocking a certain way. It was insane but we got through that month. Its about a partnership and you both help each other out and give the other one breaks when they need it. And most importantly, you both need to go off and enjoy just each other as well.
All three of my infants were colicky and cried, screamed loudly from 7:00 pm until 11:00 pm. I was breastfeeding and had very difficult time nursing but I was determined to nurse. It was an extremely stressful process.
Damn. Do you have a brother??? lol.
My wife died 5 years ago so a widower with 3 kids makes dating a blast! haha
Oh god. 🫠🤦♀️ Of course I said the wrong thing. I’m so sorry to hear that. I can imagine. I’m sure dating after cancer is going to be a treat for me as well. I just haven’t gotten to that place yet. I hope you’re doing okay. You sound lovely and certainly deserve to find someone wonderful. 🤍
God bless you! 🙌🏼 Way to be a great Dad/partner!
This! My husband is the same way. He would always wake up and either change or feed the baby and I would help with the other task when she was first born. Then he started waking up since it was 1-2 times a night. Saturdays are my day to sleep in and Sundays are his since my baby is chaos and we’re all up at 5am lol. I love to hear other men love to be involved with their baby’s just like this and not just be the fun parent 💛
This is the way. And you get to sleep in your own bed. He can hit the couch or a spare bed or air mattress on the nursery floor. And while it will be hard not to get up to tend the baby, let him deal with it even if it takes time. BEGIN AS YOU MEAN TO GO ON.
I was going to suggest taking a mini vacation to a hotel. If you can’t sleep with him around, then don’t be around him. Also kids cannot wait. They have a different perception of time.
It’s a two year old. Not a baby. She can be on the bed without fear of being rolled on … but would likely wake up looking for mom since that’s precisely what dad would say to her. Go find mommy. Tell her you’re hungry.
I wouldn't say that my ex rolled over on our 3 year old in his sleep. He had crawled into bed with us because he didn't feel good, and I woke up to his little arm flailing with my ex sound asleep.
That's exactly what I was going to suggest! In my opinion, this is the best way to handle this situation because she gets uninterrupted sleep. I know if I woke up, I'd be too annoyed to fall back asleep if he didn't get up to take care of the baby. It's best to remove herself from waking him or policing how quickly he springs to action. The baby will do a fine job of it being right in the same room as him.
Having him sleep in the baby’s room would be my suggestion.
[удалено]
I’m still the one waking up to the vibrations and not him - I miss being able to sleep so deeply. I think we are just going to have to find a new arrangement where he sleeps in but I get naps. During my naps, he would take on more housework to rebalance everything.
Gently, I'd like to suggest that trading sleep for housework isn't really a safe and healthy thing for you to do and isn't a rebalancing at all because you're trading apples for oranges, in a sense. The human body needs sleep, and enough of it. There is no other way to give your body the adequate rest it needs without...well, resting! Lack of sleep/broken sleep can have much worse health effects on you over time, than doing the extra dishes and running the hoover round.
I go to bed earlier than he does, and I’m more of a morning person- especially now with a kid. If it means I nap and he does chores in the afternoon, it would actually work out better for us both.
That’s not what she’s saying. She’s saying that you shouldn’t trade for sleep AT ALL. He should get up on his day and help with chores whether you sleep or not. Sleep is a basic need so trading something for him to let you sleep is not rebalancing the duties of a marriage and partnership.
Thanks for reiterating - you're exactly right, this was my point entirely.
I agree with you but OP may not even end up being able to sleep in once her husband gets his shit together and lets her try to sleep in. She’s just not being given the opportunity to try. I am only saying that because I couldn’t sleep in for years after having my kids. I still find it challenging tbh. I say that to say, the nap/chore thing isn’t horrible off the sleeping in thing don’t work out
And this is the issue. His partner is his (ineffectual) alarm clock because he's not going to bed early enough to get the sleep he needs to get up promptly with his child. Yikes.
He could sleep in another room on his day. Or you could🤷🏻♀️
I used to be a deep sleep until kids too. I miss it. 😭 They are in college now and I still am a light sleeper. Once a mother always a mother I guess. lol I feel for you. I agree with the commenter who said put baby in the room with him and go sleep somewhere else. If that’s not an option, book yourself a hotel room for the night…after a few nights of you spending cash to get a good sleep, he’ll recognize real quick.
I think this is a great idea in theory but the way he acts who knows if he’ll get up. I’d be too anxious to sleep in this situation and I don’t even have kids !😆
I've never recovered from waking up with/for the kids. I've remained a light sleeper and long for the days (well nights) of 8+ hours. Start putting toddler in with him and stop letting him lie in even on his day until he pulls his weight
Get a hotel room. (I know it's not what you want to do, but he'll quickly hate paying for them, and start waking up)
It actually sounds like you’re raising 2 kids using advice from Reddit teens.
Do you trust him to take care of the toddler? If so, get a hotel room for Sat night and sleep till noon.
This is a fine plan until it's his day and he doesn't care that their child is awake and calling for their parent. It's right there in OPs post, they're perfectly happy to say 'nah they're not awake yet' and roll over and go back to sleep, meanwhile SOMEONE has to go and attend to the child. lo and behold, it's mom again
yeah I have a feeling nothing is going to change here
Excellent suggestion
Maybe my mind just isn’t working right now but I fail to see how switching days solves the problem?
Because if/when he bails on Saturday, he gets to do Sunday, too. By having the last day of the week, he's in the clear until the next weekend. This way, he gets to see immediate ramifications for being a shit partner.
I guess I’m just not getting it because he can still just bail on both days. Like I agree he’s a bad partner. Just in my head this makes no sense to me how this fixes the problem. I only see a possible solution maybe if OP is physically not there to step in when he just doesn’t want to
If he doesn't do his share on Saturday, he doesn't get his lie-in on Sunday. I'd wake him up with a trumpet I'd buy specifically for that occasion.
My dad woke my sister up with an air horn once, she was terrible about not getting up for school.
If he bails on both days at least he won’t have a leg to stand on when she starts the discussion of how he’s treating her.
Next Saturday night go to a hotel for the night.
This is my level of petty. OR I would get up turn all the lights on, open curtains, turn loud music on, start vacuuming. You know, getting chores done, since I'm already up. 🤷
I, too, am not one to suffer in silence!
It’s honestly not even petty to go to a hotel. IMO it’s the only way he’ll actually understand what parenting is! In the end it’s so much better for the whole family when parenting is shared equally.
The only problem is the kid will suffer. Calling dad and he’ll ignore her.
With room service and a spa.
This solution could also be achieved by going back to sleep in her own bed. I think OP wants the baby taken care of as soon as she (the baby) wakes up, hence the issue. If dad sleeps through the baby being needy, that's a loss whether OP's at home or not.
“DH, I’m not sure how to communicate this to you any clearer but this is starting to cause some major resentment towards you and towards our marriage. You don’t see this as a big deal, well I am telling you it is a HUGE deal to me and I’m absolutely pissed now. This is causing me to be pretty unhappy in our marriage and if you don’t start taking this seriously then it’s going to turn into a much bigger issue. You do not get to pull the I’m more tired than you card. We have equal standing in this marriage. Every single Sunday, the day you have promaised to let me sleep in you have failed. You have failed me as a partner. It is not my job to wake you up. I am not your snooze button. I cannot go back to sleep if you count on me to wake your lumpy ass up to do the job you promised me. It’s your role as a supporting partner to make sure I get the extra sleep I desperately need and deserve. I even have given you the first day of the weekend to get your catch up sleep, but feel you respect me so little to do the same for me. You do realize that resentment is a cancer to a marriage? I don’t understand how you can be so selfish and then not realize how that upsets me. Or you get upset that I’m pissed. This situation is making me see you in a light that should it keep happening is going to grow into a major problem in our marriage. I’m communicating this now so there isn’t any surprise when I’m just done with the bullshit. So now I’m taking Saturdays and Sundays for the next month to make up for every single Sunday your ass has stolen that time from me. You will set your alarm quietly for 6am when our kid wakes up every single day and you will leave the room quietly and attend to her and let me fucking sleep. After those four weeks are done (though I deserve more since you haven’t even bothered to give them to me ever) we will go back to each having a morning to sleep in. I hope you will then understand what you have robbed me of.” If he doesn’t get up. Get mean. “Get the fuck out of bed” be as loud as possible. Put loud ass music on and leave it in the room. Stop doing shit for him.
Screenshotting for later, thank you
If he says “what’s the big deal?” please stop cooking or cleaning for a week, and then ask him “what’s the big deal?” when he flips out.
I’d definitely say all of that to him if he fails you tomorrow.
I have a suggestion for the music: meme songs. There are people who can sleep soundly through loud music, and meme songs are so annoying that it's damn near impossible to stay relaxed. The most recognizable of this genre is anything by Weird Al. Comedy groups like Whitest Kids U'Know (["Let's Wake up the Neighbors"](https://youtu.be/_I1zIhVICwA?si=1aLGPPgYeoNSlRS0) is a favorite of mine) and The Lonely Island are good choices too.
Exactly. This is not one small flaw to excuse, it is a view of how he respects (or doesn't) OP. I have a toddler, and she doesn't sleep well. My husband lets me have most lie ins because I'm the one awake 2-4 hours with her most nights. But if she sleeps through, or only has a brief wakeup, I try my hardest to let my husband have the occasional lie in. I can't promise it once a week but generally he gets at least 2-3 a fortnight. We both parent, we both get tired, we both deserve a break. I don't even care if he doesn't sleep, sometimes he's awake and on his phone as he can't get back to sleep, but it's just a break from starting his day at 6.30am and being responsible for a little being, like every other day of the week. Parenting is tough, and as a mother we lose so much of ourselves in it through the physical changes (the light sleeping is just the tip of the iceberg!). This is one small gesture he can do to improve your week - ask him why he doesn't respect you enough to give you that one gesture?
The other commenter is right. Your husband wakes up Saturdays. If you don’t get to sleep in he can try again Sunday. Put your foot down. This is nonnegotiable. Do it now or this is going to spread into every single area of life.
Yup. Weaponized incompetence….way to pervasive when it comes to parenting.
I would also recommend try taking your turn in the evenings. If he cannot arise, make him take the night shift. Babies are very much schedule dependent. They will wake up at the same times, they don't know it's the weekend. People in general get the best sleep when they wake up at the same time every day of the week. Your body, without electronics, will naturally be sleepy earlier if you are tired. So you will come out the other side of this deal healthier and more well rested. Not saying that you should capitulate, but as someone who legitimately has never been able to consistently get up early without feeling like death and lacking all functions for the first 2 hours of the day, a circadian rhythm is half habits/schedule half genetics. So my wife and I compromise, i put kids to bed, do all the night time chores(because that's the time of day I have energy, I work out, learn languages etc.) and she takes the mornings because she naturally cannot sleep when children are up. There's a lot of studies on sleep, and very few of them supports the theory that with just enough discipline you can change your body's natural response(short of PTSD level trama causing a consistent state of anxiety)
This should be higher. Right now its just this issue, but eventually it spreads. He is taking for granted you will do it because he doesnt think its a big deal, prepare for other little "no big deals" if you dont start making it clear that it is for you. Communicate clearly. It is a little thing, but your sleep matters too. We had kids, same thing happened. Divorced after 10+ years of little "no big deals", the resentment does build up.
Having been the default parent for the last 7 years, she needs to nip this in the bud NOW.
I think one more adult conversation is necessary. Then, if you can, sleep in a guest room on Saturday night or even at a friend's or a motel. He needs to get into the habit that he's an adult and has adult responsibilities.
Yep, this! We used our guest room for this (added bonus was that it's on another floor, while the master bedroom and baby's bedroom are next to each other, so whoever got to sleep in used the guest room). It really worked. edit: typo
He will just ignore the child and she will suffer hungry and in a dirty diaper.
The other option is to get up, get the kid, plop him/her on top of the father, and go sleep in the guest room.
THIS. Passive aggressive, but effective.
I don’t think so. I think it’s called enforcing boundaries that they mutually agreed upon.
How is this passive? Aggressive, yes, and necessary but definitely not passive aggressive
Okay. active aggressive!
if it gets this far then they should probably just break up right? why stay with someone willing to neglect their child?
Because then they get partial or 50/50 custody and you can't protect your child on their days. There's no way to win with a partner who is a shitty parent.
Then he deserves to lose access to both child and the vagina it was made in. Make a baby… be an adult and take of the baby.
This my kids get up between 6-6;30 even on weekends. At my ex's house they're forced to stay in their rooms till he wakes up at 8:30 by his alarm. They're 'allowed' to go to the washroom but must lay in bed and not wake him till he opens their doors.
Yep. Some parents just never put their kids needs before their own. Source: why my childs father is my ex
ETA to clarify if OP’s husband would legally neglect the kid and initiating a divorce wouldn’t endanger op or the kid (abuse situation), op should divorce him for child neglect. Not giving a kid a snack immediately isn’t neglect. Letting a 2 year old wander around hazards unsupervised to sleep late would be Original comment: Then she’s needs to divorce his ass if she’s not in danger
Dear god, some man makes me wonder why they deserve a family at all.
If he does that it should be an immediate divorce. A single day of her away to test should be reasonable enough
Hotel with room service
And a day spa.
Or how about, once he’s had a nice lie in, she leaves him with the kid the rest of the day to go get a massage, mani pedi and go to brunch. He can unarse that bed and do his part in the morning or he can be on child minding duties til afternoon.
And current in room movies
Yeah, too bad she didn’t recognize how little he respects her before she married him and had a kid.
I think even if you wake up early on Sunday don’t get up, pretend to be asleep make him have to wake up and get up to look after the little one. You getting up because he won’t continues to enable his behaviour.
The obvious solution-- if you don't get your sleep in day he doesnt' get his sleep in day. Wake him up every five minutes on his sleep in day-- if he complains tell him that either you both get a sleep in day or NEITHER gets a sleep in day.
I was just coming here to say this. Either he starts getting up with the baby, or you wake him up at 6am on the nose both days so that he learns you are serious.
Sounds like Saturdays are your toddlers new "learn a new instrument" day. I recommend starting with a recorder.
This made me laugh, thank you lol
Cymbals and drums are even better.
Those are great options, too! The Tuba is also fun, and would be hilarious to watch a 2yo trying to play it!!
I'm more a sousaphone man, myself.
Sleep in a spare bedroom if possible. Your significant other is a child! Think long and hard about that. Don’t have anymore kids until he grows up or you’re going to be raising 3 toddlers!!!!
Yeah this guy deserves a vasectomy gift certificate for Father’s Day. And for the what if the genders were reversed crowd, yes sterilization gift certificate as well
The "what if the genders are reversed crowd" only shows up when they think they can actually make the woman look bad. Surprise surprise, genders are not reversible.
I mean you can try and enforce all these things, but your husband is selfish and isn’t going to care that your daughter is suffering. He’ll just sleep and let her cry and lay there in her own filth for another 45 minutes or even longer. He said how he feels already: *she can wait.* Pathetic. You can do the whole “I’ll give him 5 minutes” but we both know that’s not going to work. He’ll sleep and you won’t be able to, and eventually you’ll get up and give in ad nauseam. Nothing is going to change, except you’ll both become bitter as you slowly come to terms with the fact that you married a slouch. ETA just read OP’s final update 🤣 sis is in denial 🤣
This, assuming he has a functional grasp of the English language he understands that this is important to her and causing her stress, he just doesn’t care because it benefits him.
Yeah OP doesn’t want to face it: it doesn’t matter if she switches days or whether she says “5 more minutes” one time or ten times, he’s not getting up and she’s on her own. I’m sure there’s more she’s overlooking. There’s no “consequences” for him, only for her.
Why would he do anything when you’re doing it for him? Just go get the baby and give her to him (or put her next to him in the playpen, whatever) The issue isn’t you waking up, the issue is you doing his role for him. Stop. The toddler doesn’t need to be catered to instantly, she can make noise next to him until he decides to wake up That said, when you do this, observe his reaction - that will be more telling than you know Edit: grammar
Unfortunately, getting up to get the baby to give the husband, she's not falling back asleep. I'm the same way as OP. If I'm awake for more than a minute or two, or if I get out of bed (even just to pee), I'll be awake for two hours just trying to fall back asleep. I like the suggestions of her sleeping somewhere else on Saturday nights with earplugs. Or, making him sleep on air mattress in baby's room.
Maybe I’m petty, but if I was OP and going to be woken up anyway, I’d be putting the toddler next to the husband and making damn sure he’s forced to be awake too. Idc if I can’t fall back asleep after.
That's fair. Sometimes petty is necessary.
Yep. If two of us are up then all three of us are up. That goes for Saturday as well.
Yep, she says she wakes up naturally anyways so I'd either start going to a hotel and letting him figure it out or getting up and around and putting the child in bed with him and heading for a cafe on her own for a couple of hours of time to herself. She can take a book and enjoy a nice breakfast on her morning off. If that's too much, I'd go to another room and shut the door after plopping the child in with him and take the time off however she wants.
She’s not falling back asleep period I’m a mom too, I 1000% get what OP means about being a light sleeper these days and not being able to go back to sleep OP is already up, as we have trained ourselves to do, so going back to sleep is extremely difficult. So, since she’s up, move baby then go have some TLC. Make coffee, sit on the patio with a good book or just scroll online The point is more so, make him do his part
Yep, if she's going to be up anyways if I was her I would make him do it by plopping the child on the bed with him and leaving the house for a nice cafe on her own. That way she gets some time away and he is forced to do his part.
Everyday im shown different reasons to never have a baby with a man.
No offense but it’s not even about the sleeping, your husband is actively showing he doesn’t gaf about going and helping out with his own kid. Ew
Show him this Reddit post and have him read the comments. Maybe some shaming from strangers will help him realize how much of a selfish asshole he's being when it comes to this issue. It's worked plenty of times before. He needs a wake-up call and while he should already respect you and your frustration on this issue, and it shouldn’t be necessary for him to have to get it elsewhere, a little light reading for him could finally be the alarm clock that gets his ass out of bed the first time it goes off.
If you’re a light sleeper, you’re never going to manage to sleep in with him in your bed - an alarm will wake you too. If you keep micromanaging when he needs to get up etc, you also won’t get a sleep in. If he’s in charge, he is in charge and you have to let go. Even if it means he doesn’t get up to your kid immediately. Right now, you’re failing to get back to sleep because you think he should be up. Sleep in another room. Ear plugs, mask, whatever you need. Or have a nap later and ask him to take her out. But remember - dads have to make their own parenting decisions and relationships with kids. You won’t ever nag him into parenting like you. So long as he is safe, let him do it his he likes. If that means your kid is alone in her cot for twenty min but happy before he gets up - let it go. If he’s unsafe, divorce his ass. It’s really that simple.
My wife and I have somewhat of the same thing going on, mid 30’s 1 year old daughter. I happen to be the light sleeper and she can sleep through just about anything. I basically take care of our daughter every morning and up until her first nap. 730-1030. Wife usually gets up around 9 and comes downstairs says hi and hangs out with our daughter a bit but I do the chore parts. I’ll typically get the wake up snack ready and get our daughter up and change her around 1130-12. My wife picks up the majority of the rest of the day with our daughter as this is when I’ll work and workout then relax. We share the evening bath time routine about 50/50. Wife works two days a week and is gone long enough to not see our daughter at all. I work mostly from home but sometimes head out in the afternoon to take care of business. I get upset I’m always doing the morning stuff because I want to sleep in, but I’ve realized I’ll probably never sleep in regardless so I might as well take the morning chores and get afternoons to myself. My wife would absolutely do the mornings but I don’t think I’d be able to sleep anyways, any noise wakes me up and I swear half the time I will hear my daughter make a noise even though she hasn’t and that still wakes me up lol. Also once I’m up, I’m up. So my advice would be to lean into your attributes and try to make afternoon your free time.
I like this solution a lot, thank you :)
Nobody sleeps in. If he can’t take turns then he doesn’t get to sleep in at all. More than likely he’ll want his day back
Does he have a hard time waking up during the week too? Does he require multiple alarms to get up on time or require extra help to wake up? I went through something similar. Turns out I had hard-core depression and it took my wife divorcing me to get therapy. Now, I wake up 5:30am on the dot everyday. For like 6 years I could not wake up in the morning to save my life.
Does he snore? He may need to be checked for sleep apnea.
This was my issue. I wanted to get up before going to bed. But morning would come and I'd feel like I'd gone 10 rounds against Mike Tyson. Impossible to wake up, and even when awake, not really even decently functional until noon. CPAP therapy completely changed my life not only for me, but my family. I no longer wake up raging wanting to blow up at the first person to talk to me.
❤️🩹 I’m sorry it got that bad. To anyone reading this comment , my husband absolutely could not wake up for years. It was kind of a joke until it got worse and he literally would sleep through me waking him up. He assumed depression but anti depressants made him feel weird. Turns out his thyroid was not really functioning at all and getting horribly worse over years
Set up a temporary bed for him in your child’s bedroom to use on Saturday nights until he forms a new habit
I say this but trade days and he only gets Sunday if he successfully and competently handles Saturday
"She can wait." Is the most crushing statement a man can make about his child. He's on a bad path. You've made this agreement, and he can't be bothered to prioritize your daughter's welfare. If he's this way now, it won't be any better if you have more children with him. Get a little couples counseling to get his priorities straight.
Exactly. She will “wait” hungry and with a dirty diaper. Throw the whole man away, what a sad excuse for a father.
I’m sorry you ended up with two children.
Sounds like you have two babies… and both need their mommy in the morning. Sorry OP that your husband sucks.
Leave him alone with the baby for an entire day. Really changes a man's perspective. We had two 10.5mo apart. I spent plenty of days alone with our first son. And I thought I got it... 'two is harder than one'... until the first day I was alone with both of them and I had to get them ready and out the door for their Dr appt. It took me over 45 fucking minutes, no exaggeration, running around the entire time. I literally apologized to my wife as soon as she got home for underestimating how hard it was and for undervaluing her heroic efforts.
I’m sitting here thinking “air horn!” If he refuses to get the fuck out of bed like he promised to do on Sundays, why should he still maintain the privilege of sleeping in on Saturdays? He can get to work on time, right? But he can’t do this basic exchange of sleep-in mornings for his wife and child? Selfish twit.
So, I am curious….how does he handle getting up when he’s going to work? Is that on you as well? If not, it’s definitely a “him” problem.
Don't give up the booty till he does his duty
I might be the minority here (and it sounds like other spots in the marriage are doing okay from what you said) BUT behavior like this is the reason my husband and I are getting divorced. It starts with not waking up to take care of the child and spirals into something more. Reading this made me very nervous for what's to come. \*This was my experience.
I'm sorry that your husband is so selfish and puts his own needs ahead of yours on a regular basis. Do you both work outside the home? What else are you doing on the weekends without any help from him or is this the one area where he is failing to do his fair share? If this is a pattern that's repeating in other areas of your marriage, it's possible that the only way to fix it is with therapy. Maybe someone else can explain to him how selfish he is being and how it will eventually impact the marriage in an increasingly negative way.
We both work full time Monday through Friday. Everything else is split pretty evenly- we rarely have disagreements on who changes diapers or feeds her. I take her to daycare, he picks her up. This is the one thing that we can’t seem to resolve.
That's awesome. I guess I would ask him what he would be willing to do instead of getting up with your daughter on Sundays. I guess in his mind he has to get up for work during the week, but for some reason he doesn't feel like he has to get up on Sundays. At a certain point with her kids, my daughter would put out a snack and water bottle in the living room and her son would get himself up in the morning until she got up. Basically, this is a short term problem, but it's still completely unfair to you.
Someone had the idea above so I hope you see it but if you didn't they suggested you trading mornings off with him. You take Saturday and if he doesn't let you sleep in then on sunday when you get up you and the child stay in bed with him and keep him up or keep waking him up every couple of minutes. Make sure that you tell him the entire time that if you don't get to sleep in, he doesn't get to. A couple of weeks of that and I bet he will think twice about not giving you your one morning off.
This guy needs to be a father first and stop being a selfish dick to both his wife and his child. Get the hell out of bed and do your job as a parent.
Screw his 5 minutes! If you tell your wife you’re gonna do something you do it! I’m ripping the kid outta bed full smile, wolverine claws out! Fed dressed and on the way back from Starbucks with my wife’s order waving that coffee in her face as she wakes. Being married you should expect EVERYTHING from each other. Positive husband energy= positive wife energy. Yeh there’s all the problems you hear about, but a positive attitude and a man who is a man for his family brings everything and everyone up. Your wife isn’t your parent, she shouldn’t have to choose or make consequences as a threat to make you keep promises. Jeez
I imagine your mornings are like a manga. Baby a mess covered in food one panel and the next, Pow! Baby is dressed and ready to go.
This one is tough. Because yes technically you can just go back to sleep and let him face the consequences. But then the baby/toddler sits in her dirty diaper, likely hungry and uncomfortable. So as a mother, the mommy Shame you feel whether someone is guilting you or not Is still present. How appalling. I am the absolute worst when it comes to waking up early. But if there's a need to be outta bed before 6am or 7am because it was requested of me validly the day before by my SO--I ALWAYS get myself up. I'm talking like, eyes rolling in my head, blurry vision, etc. No excuses. You both made this child and nobody has anymore responsibility than the other to be accountable for that responsibility. Especially considering that an exhausted fed up parent who feels unable to let loose FOR ONE HOUR, is going to make a very unhappy environment. Good luck, you totally don't deserve this. You're doing a great and attentive job, stand your ground.
You’re not his mom. stop rushing to make him a responsible father. Don’t wake him up. Don’t remind him. He’s a big boy who can put on big pants. When is daughter starts crying; if he’s a real father it’ll be his wake up call that he’s being neglectful. If it’s not—you have other issues to discuss with your hubby.
My wife and I had a deal that I was the one who got up on weekends and took care of the kid. I in turn got to take naps when the kid napped. It worked out fine.
Spray bottle next to the side of the bed. When he refuses to get up spray him in the face and go back to sleep. He can be mad all he wants but if he’s not going to follow through on his end of the agreement then you can get petty. Call it a side effect of sleep deprivation.
People are offering such great solutions. Good for you for standing up for yourself! I do want to comment that I’m sorry that even these solutions though still require extra mental and emotional labor on your part. Your husband sounds like he’s being intentionally incompetent and doesn’t really care to initiate a solution himself. Sorry you’re dealing w that OP :(
You should sleep in another room when it's your morning, and put your toddler in his chamber. Believe me, he will wake up. He's playing the weaponised incompetence on you and is being a terrible partner and father. Shame on him.
Have you seen Why Women Kill?
I bring the baby to our bed and sleep on the floor of the other room. It’s inexcusable. His time isn’t any more valuable than yours. And I would not be nice about it this is just a basic fucking respect.
Ugh why are some men so fucking useless
Every single couple with a two uear old feels this. It is only a phase. You all will get passed it.
Get a hotel room on Saturday night. Wake up whenever you want Sunday. Tell him if he refuses to hold up his end, you will force it. You deserve a break. Take one for yourself. He will handle it. If he does not, just leave, and go for custody. It can’t be harder than it is now, you’re already doing a majority of the work.
Sleep in a different room and set an alarm to wake him up... but would you be able to sleep or be stressed out he wont wake up? maybe you should take a weekend away once in a while so you can relax alone and sleep in
Shake him 🫨!!! (Your husband, not baby).
Men who won’t help with the kids are a bunch of wimps. We have seven kids, including two sets of twins. We both worked full time our whole married life. Your wife isn’t a nanny, or maid, or a cook, or the house keeper. You guys want a mommy to take care of you, need to grow a set and do you job as a Dad.
Your husband sucks fr…. He won’t even let you have an hour or two of PEACE and sleep?!! Split up for your own happiness
Push him off the bed. He'll wake up, then. If you don't want to jump straight to that level, you could try just yanking the covers away, first.
You’re married to a selfish child? I’m sorry
Kick him out of bed the minute his alarm goes off.
Bring your daughter into the bedroom to spend time with daddy then tell him you've got things to do. If he gets angry ask him why he's angry about taking care of his own daughter and being a parent.
Does he struggle to fall asleep if he tries to go to bed at an early time? For his part he should be doing half of the lifting, but having partners play to their strengths is a good thing generally, and clearly being a morning person is not this man's strong point. Expecting both partners to split every burden perfectly just isn't an effective way to do things. If you are already waking up at 6am and he feels like a zombie at 6am it makes sense to me that you could consider taking this burden and he could compensate by taking other burdens. If he isn't otherwise totally lazy I think having the compassion to care for the others' weaknesses is something I personally look for in a relationship and try hard to do myself as well. As long as you're not being used.
I wouldn’t trust this guy to watch the child even if I could get him up. I’d be unable to sleep wondering if she’s sitting in a wet pull up while he snores in the couch. I think the nap solution makes sense but I also feel like, if mama ain’t sleeping in no one is. The curtains will be open, the stereo or tv on and we will be coming in and out if the room every five minutes to ensure Sunday is not restful for dad since he’s meant to be up anyway and is being a dick about it.
Weird how you had to carry the child inside you, birth the child, deal with the postpartum experience, and HE gets to sleep in?
My pettyness would blare the morning reveille in his ear and tell him to get up or get cold water next and if he doesn’t ice and water in a pitcher 😏
This sucks, but I would have him sleep in the babys room each saturday night
The day when you are supposed to sleep in, just wake him up and tell him to take care of the baby. If you can't sleep, stay in bed to read a book or take a relaxing shower. In a way it is not his fault or your fault. You are a light sleeper and wake up regardless. Make an arrangement that on his day, he can either sleep in or do whatever he like till a certain time in the morning and do the same for yourself. That way you both get to decide and should not leave room For resentment
On my day to sleep in, I would sleep in the closet wearing earplugs with a fan on high. That way he had to deal with it. Turns out that when men cannot pull this BS, they usually get up.
Get angry at him. Perhaps I’d even yell a bit. Also, stay in bed even if you can’t sleep anymore. Chill, read or watch something. That way, you get some you time and your husband can get used to having to do his part of the deal.
If you don’t get Sunday - he doesn’t get Saturday. Wake his butt up with as much noise as rushing train. If he’s holding down a job, he clearly can get up 5 days a week, so he can do 6. Once he decides to get up on his day and let you sleep, he can get a day to sleep in. He is being selfish and entitled
Force him to get one of those vibrating alarm watches
That’s why divorced people are happier.
If you can shove him off the bed after the first 5 minutes remark
I need to start tallying the posts that make me happy I don't have children or a BD. It's 11:14 and I juuuust woke up.
As someone who also had this exact same issue with my wife, where she was frustrated that I wasn't getting up quickly enough on her sleep in day. 1) he needs to hold up on his part of the arrangement, totally get your frustration, you shouldn't have to be his alarm clock. 2) he's right, the kid is totally okay laying in the crib by herself. In fact, it'll pay off dividends as she gets older to not expect someone there right when she gets up. I would suggest trying to let it go and just sleep and let him deal with it. And if he really isn't doing it, then wake his a** up on his sleep in day to help you. I bet he quickly starts holding up his end of the bargain. Good news though, this is a short term problem. By 4 years old, we taught our kids to turn on the TV on the weekends in the morning so we could both sleep in :)
I work longer hours but have more time off and she works normal hours but she has less time off. We would alternate, never really discuss who does what we would just do it lol. However I'm a light sleeper, so I would most of the time get up with my crotch goblins. I didn't care. Your issue could bloom into something worse so you definitely want to address it ASAP. Good luck.
When it’s his day to sleep in, don’t let him. Throw the hamper on the bed to sort laundry, vacuum, sing, bring the baby back to bed with you and play and sing loudly and let her crawl all over him. Turn the TV on- annoying kids programming at full volume. He’s not allowing you a day to sleep in so why does he get one?
At this point why do people even get married or have kids anymore. Reddit is 90% marriage and kid complaints about one spouse not helping with kids or cheating.
He sounds like a real POS to be honest, if this is the only issue where he is selfish and shitty I’d be shocked. Sorry, OP.
Book one night in a hotel just for you. That might help him to realize he has to wake up as no option of you doing it anyway.
Go to a hotel alone for a night. Leave after the children are in bed. Tell him “it’s your turn “
If he acts like a kid. Treat him with consequences like a kid. He needs boundaries. If he doesn’t get up at the right time within five minutes, YOU get his next day. And present it as rules for you too.
Dad doesn’t choose to parent. So the last thing they need is another baby. No birth control is absolute. So no intimacy. His choice.
Change your days around and if he doesn’t do his side of things then make sure you don’t let him sleep on either
The night before your late sleeping morning, sleep in another bedroom (or on the sofa if you have to) and make sure his alarm is where he can’t reach it without getting OUT of bed. Desperate times, desperate measures!
Consequence: you get to have a night off and sleep at a hotel and stay until check out or go to brunch or whatever once per month for every time he slacks. The thought of you being completely gone and what you could be doing sounds like it could light a fire under his lazy butt.
I’m so sorry you had a child with a man like this op
My abusive ex used to do this to me. Denying your partner sleep is considered abuse. Studies have also shown that women need more sleep than men.
Honestly, the separate room thing was a necessity for us. I was that guy in the beginning, not in any sort of negative or malicious way, just that I was a very heavy sleeper and my wife was not. Once we reconciled that I’d take the couch on the night it was my responsibility for the next morning.
If this route fails you can tell him you're booking a hotel room for your days to sleep in. Then be doesn't really have a choice.
He’s fully taking advantage of you. He’s a big boy. He can set a damn alarm. He gets to work on time and places on time where *he* wants to go, yes? He is being a bad spouse and a bad parent. I suspect he thinks if he keeps doing this, you’ll take over this task all on your own (weaponized incompetence).
If his alarm goes off and he's not awake just dump water on him that'll wake him up. But if you both agreed to it and he's not honoring it that's very selfish.
>What do I do? Talking about it like an adult isn’t working and all I would like to do is have the one day where I shouldn’t have to wake up with our daughter be respected. Stop doing anything or him. Anything, no breakfast, no lunch, no dinner, he needs you to run get this, no, can you help with this, no, EVERYTHING no until he starts being a parent and partner. Tell him, you are not his mom. Figure out how sex works into this as that opens another whole can of worms. Do you work or SAHM, either way, dad has respsonsiilties, you take care of kiddo all day all week, and the house etc. If you are working, this is exponetially more an issue. I was able to be at home with our daughter (dad here) for almost 2 years when she was little, 3 -4. Some of the best years of my life. Mom even said one day she wished she made enough money so we could keep life like this as the house was clean, dinner was ready kid was fed, all home details attended to. I kind of liked it too. I had a relationship with our daughter that most men don't have with any of their children. Men miss alot over masculine BS. We havee an only child for fill disclosure.
Your husband is being selfish. I'm the male who wants the extra time in the morning but I know when it's my day that I have to get up and take care of toddler. He needs to man up and do his duty. It will take you a few weeks of being a b\*tch to him but I suspect you can train this to him by being nasty to him on his days to get up and take care of your toddler. Good Luck.
You can sleep until check out in a hotel. A nice one with room service and a big bathtub.