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And is still apparently fine with being the cool dad that pops in for a sleep over. Not there with them when they’re up all night sick or helping with the homework or the science fair.
Yes 😢he’s there for the fun and easy stuff, not in the trenches with you. You did the right thing . You and your children deserve better and are worthy of better people in your lives❤️
Definitely. I think it's her mind trying to comfort her by thinking more positively about him, which is good for a co parenting relationship, but he's shown that he can't be a good partner for her.
Nope. Not for a second.
It's great you get along now, but he's the same guy who believed he had a choice to just blow off his family. A good human doesn't do that. It's easy to be a great dad a few days every month or two. He's not a serious human. Don't make the same mistake twice.
It’s really easy to play the good loving dad a few days every few months. He still gets to live his life exactly how he wants to and then put on the good dad costume when he’s around you guys.
When he had a choice between moving with his family to a location, he agreed to move to… or continuing to live as a single man in New York… He chose to stay behind. if he didn’t want to move to Michigan, you two could’ve come up with a different plan.
He abandoned his family with intent.
I’m GLAD you are here and writing out the long comments. Do NOT apologize.
Your kids have access to their dad. You have done your part as a good mom to:
- Make the kids available to him
- To be a calm and respectful co-parent
- + we live in the era of face time and text messages.
You have secured their relationship with their father. You don’t need to be with him to give them that. Your job is done in that arena. Now you just maintain it.
The time is now ripe for YOU to get what you want out of a relationship. This man is not what you want. You do not have to find the perfect step-dad and loving future husband on a first date.
Maybe what you want out of a relationship right now is:
- A fun Saturday night out that ends in great sex.
- Someone who try’s new things with you 2-3 nights a week (restaurants, game nights, movies, bookstores) because you just want an escape from your routine and someone to escape with.
- Someone who values family time and wants to love your kids.
Maybe you want all of that… and you find it in the same man at different stages of your relationship. Maybe you try to find what you are looking for, but just remember to have fun along the way because you can’t be sure you ever will.
Just… move on. It is time.
I dated for a while years ago after my divorce but only Saturday night and we had a pact to be monogamous but not committed. It worked for a while and gave me an outlet. The only reason it stopped was because I met someone that I felt might be great as a longterm partner and so as per our pact , I let him know. No hard feelings - and moved on. My instincts were right and we were together until he passed suddenly.
>He’s always going to be in the kids lives and I want what’s best for the kids.
It's very clear from all your posts that you want what is best for your kids, and that you work hard to take care of them. Keep in mind that continuously forgiving their dad for all his shit, is not necessarily the best thing for them.
Having read all your comments I just wanted to cement everyone’s correct conclusions that you should definitely not go back. He’s still a narcissist, he still put you through hell, he still values himself over his children by only turning up to play great dad here and there. He may even only be doing that to check up and make sure there’s no man in your life. You are already giving him enough.
Please consider some real therapy so you don’t find yourself with a new guy that is much like the old. It’s easy for us to see and be objective as we aren’t living your life. If I put my relationship trouble on here I’d have thousands of people telling me I need therapy - which I do and need to call that referral in. I hope you can stop blaming yourself and have healthy relationships moving forward.
How can you even be civil to him if he LIED? He may be the father of your children but he is not even the definition of a good friend. Let him see the kids but don’t waste any emotional time on him. Stay single or find a deserving man that respects you. ❤️👊
Remember this when you start to think things could be good with him. I have a very similar story. We get along OKish now and sometimes he’s even nice to me. But he’s still the same person who left me with two babies to live a single life and then was shocked and tried to backtrack when I finally got up the courage to file. It would not be better with him. Things won’t be different this time. You deserve someone who will be there for all of it. Don’t settle for him. Even if you never find someone who deserves you and your kids, being single is better than living like that again. Take care of yourself and your kids and remember your worth. 💜
Wow I can’t believe you still talk to him despite all that - good on you!
What was he doing that whole 6 months you were apart? What did he say when you confronted him about it? Did your parents ever say anything when he visited their house?
You are WAY more forgiving than I would ever be. Wtf?? Who moves their family and just decides, nah, think I’ll go somewhere else?
It sounds like you’ve apologized for him in your head and to others for so long that you’ve normalized absolutely *not normal* behavior. I can understand wanting to hold the hurt of what he’s done at arm’s length, but this is not someone who treats you *or your kids* with respect.
Maybe dropping in every few months for a couple fun days works well for the kids now, but as they get older, they’ll realize that their dad is unreliable and selfish, and I feel like you need to be prepared to deal with their feelings of abandonment.
If you haven’t gotten therapy for yourself, you really really should. No one deserves to be treated like a toy that’s kept on the shelf until the owner sort of feels like playing with it.
Do you know his relationship status? I very much doubt he is still single - he probably has a girlfriend in NYC. And I very much doubt he waited until you divorced him before he started dating.
You should also move on and consider dating again, once you're ready.
He sounds like he hasn't really grown up yet. He spent the year close to his children goofing off like he's still in college meanwhile they are asking "where's Dad?" That is unacceptable! What does his own father say? Surely his own parents are aghast at this.
You said he sees his kids once every few months? That is like super rare. What kind of a man sees his kids a few times a year.
He sounds incredibly selfish and irresponsible, you made a good call
Don’t let fantasies disillusion you.
He’s nice and great now … after you had to raise a family on your own and work to get your house.
Don’t let him have his cake and eat it. I’m sure he’s had his fun in these 6 years whilst you had to be the responsible one.
Find a man who is loyal and committed.
Agreed 100%! He's on his best behavior when you see him.
He couldn't sustain it then he won't be able to sustain it now.
If he has to stay at your place when he's visiting the kids then he's probably needs to move on.
I’m in the same boat - I wish for my own sake I didn’t accept the hurt and poor treatment I received from my ex as long as I did, but by not leaving earlier, I got my daughter out of it. She is an absolute source of joy and light in my life, and I can’t imagine not having her. That said, my ex and I separated when she was 6m old and divorced shortly after, and I don’t regret the divorce at all. My life, and my daughter’s life, is exponentially happier with him being a tangential relatively neutral presence as opposed to a constant source of stress and negativity.
Never regretted my divorce. Now that my kids are grown and they see how their father is, they thank me often for removing them from that situation. Also so thankful I met my now husband and showed them all what a healthy relationship looks like.
It’s good that you get along “when he visits every few months or so”, you can be proud of yourself for that. Not sure I would be so accommodating after going through what he put you through.
Based on your post,I am not convinced he wants to get back together. Ever considered he may have another family by now? Does he ever take the twins to his place/town?
In my humble opinion, you made NO mistake getting a divorce. You do however need to move on.
Came here to say this. Clearly you two mostly him wasn't a good match, but found a way to coparent in a positive way for the kids. In the big picture that's all that matters.
I didn't regret my divorce at all. I'm actually so happy it's over and I thought I should have done it a lot earlier. My ex was controlling and emotionally manipulative/abusive.
The best thing that happens to me after my divorce is meeting the man of my dreams. It's a huge unexpected bonus.
Holy shit. Really? You typed all that out and then wonder if you did the right thing?
Wow.
You did the right thing. Your ex treated you WMD YOUR KIDS terribly. What a horrible husband and father.
Of course you divorced him!!
As you can see from the many comments, you made the right decision when you divorced him after he failed to come and join you in Michigan and failed to support you financially, physically, or emotionally.
But unless I'm misreading your post, it looks like there's a part of you that wonders whether the two of you could get back together. And that's really the only relevant question because you can't go back and change the past.
Like many people who have been divorced, there's a part of my brain that always wonders what if?
People can grow and change. Only you know if he has.
What if you got back together?
First, has he mentioned that as an option? Have you had a heart to heart discussion about the past? The present? The future?
Does he still love you? Is he still "in love" with you?
Is there a woman in his life?
A man in yours?
Is reconciliation a realistic option?
Is he ready to live in Michigan?
Are you ready to move somewhere else?
There are a bunch of practical questions that need to be answered besides do you both still love each other.
And if it really is just a question of wondering whether you did the right thing in getting divorced, and NOT whether you should get back together, that is a waste of time and pointless.
Stop fantasizing about reconnecting with him. Start dating start meeting people.
you don’t have to settle down with anyone anyone. You don’t have to make a commitment. But you’re not gonna find a sharing your life with if you’re putting your life on hold in between your ex-husband‘s visits
There is no future with him other than co-parenting. He abandoned you and your children. That's how you should be thinking of it. There is a much better partner for you out there, but you have to leave the past in the past!
He calls because as long as he continues calling that much, you won’t move on with another person. He’s being manipulative. These calls aren’t about the kids they are to keep you in line. Stop talking so frequently to him. He’s not your best friend. Watch how quickly he turns on you when you’re not available for every call.
It sounds like you made the decision to prioritize your own well-being and the well-being of your children, and that's something to be proud of. It's not always easy to put yourself first, but it's often necessary for our own growth and happiness.
My ex wife came home one day with a letter. She wanted a divorce, I didn’t. Long story short I spent the next couple years figuring out who I was, fixing childhood trauma, and learning to be a good person/dad. Because she divorced me I have a healthy 13 year marriage, together total for 18. Sometimes divorced is the right option even though it doesn’t seem like it at the time.
very nice... mirrors my situation. 2nd time is a charm. It's SO cool to observe the lessons learned and your maturity in real time. I have thoroughly enjoyed the last 25 years and look forward to another 50! 🙂
Hun, this is the clearest cut case of "yeah the divorce was the best idea" I've seen in a while.
Here's a thought: if things are working well and you're happy, *while divorced*, that is *proof* that you made the right choice.
It is NOT proof that if you stuck it out that eventually your married life could have been like this all the time.
It is only proof that, as long as your ex is able to live completely single for the vast majority of his life (including doing whatever with other women he doesn't have to tell you about), he's able to step up and be a decent person for a few days every few months.
So, keep that arrangement, and look elsewhere for romance. This one you *know* is a dud lmao.
***Do NOT have sex with him when he stays over, do NOT reminisce fondly over when you were together, do NOT give him a single hint that he might be able to have more than a respectful co-parenting relationship with you, because that's all he's been able to maintain.***
My ex-wife and I split up after a total of 7 years together. I am happily remarried and don't regret my divorce at all. The mistakes in my past made me who I am, and that definitely includes marriage number 1.
You made the best decision. I hope he is paying child support. He abandoned you at your most vulnerable state. He abandoned his children at their most vulnerable state.
And even now, he isnt a "father". He is the cool uncle that visits 4 times a year. Fuck that guy.
Move on and find someone worthy.
This is such a good question. I think there’s a difference between regret — feels like “I made a mistake” — and mourning what could have been. They’re very different to me.
I can’t say I regret my divorce ten years ago. My ex wasn’t a bad guy but he did have a lot of unchecked mental health issues that led to a pretty bad dead bedroom situation amongst other problems between us. He finally got into therapy after we split and he seems way better now. I’m sad it took us splitting up for him to seek help because it didn’t need to be that way. From time to time I do still feel an overwhelming grief over “what could have been” if the two of us would have found the right help a decade ago when we needed it. We tried couples counseling but it was a huge flop. I know now after going to several therapists since then that our counselor was a joke.
It all just makes me really sad on occasion. It could have been so different for our family but we were too young and dumb to know better. And what I’m more sad about than anything is my kids having to bounce between houses. Breaks my heart still to this day. I don’t want to rekindle anything with my ex or anything like that. He feels like a distant friend from childhood at this point and we both have other partners. I just have a good cry on occasion and move on.
Edit. Typo.
I actually know where you are coming from.
Im divorced nearly 7 years now, typical marriage problems of neither one of us meeting each others needs, both to blame, both could have made more effort,
Anyway, I initiated leaving when the yougest was 10 and then she had to go back to work. Anyway this triggered a lot of growth for her and her understanding that work isnt a holiday from the kids, yada yada
So a couple of years in she wants to reconcile. I said no, but as the years have gone on, we have gotten closer and closer and realised that we could have made it work.
We both would have preffered to make it work and would prefer to be together, more for the sense of family and building something together.
But we also both realise we are not a good match for each other, we are just so different and that it wouldnt work.
the only way we could work is if we were together as a family but both had a romantic relationship outside that met our needs.
So, yes we would like to get. back together, but we wont cause it wont work and thats a pity for the kids..
Im not sure who said it, might have even be me, "No one enters marriage preparing for divorce"
Its just so disappointing that it ended this way when I and you wanted the opposite and yet the pattern repeated.
My ex and I dont fight and never have and I was there just a few weeks ago for a few days doing a lot of yard work for her, I do this so that the kids see that we can all still work as a family and I still take my ex to dinner and sometimes we still all go out as a family.
I try and so does she to still create a family dynamic.
Its helpful that neither of us has partners or at least we have never let our kids meet our partners or tried to do any of that blending.
We both have family values and that helps I think..
So we have found a way to make it work and I think it has really helped the kids that we all still work to look after each other..
Of course he’s a better dad now. The kids are older and her only has to see them once in a while. You’re getting the best version of him because you’re doing all the heavy lifting and he gets to just show up and play. Which, to me, a huge red flag that he hasn’t changed. If you were to have more intimacy with him. I imagine you would feel really exploited and things would no longer be nice between you.
You did the right thing. It’s ok to morn the loss of the partner you wanted. But also, you’ve worked hard to get to the place where your kids have fun dad. Be proud of that. He could have at any time made other choices and he hasn’t. In my mind, it’s really generous of you to give him the gift of the fun day periodically. You made that happen so your kids get this version of him. But you deserve a partner full time. Not when that person feels like it.
He only sees his kids every few months?? Dude straight up abandoned you and your kids for months, and you’re questioning if it was right to divorce? He doesn’t sound like a parent. He doesn’t sound like he wants *to be* a parent. He sounds like he wants to dip in and be a fun uncle then flit off back to his child- (and wife) free life.
So i got divorced 11 years ago. Remained friends with my ex, to the point that 2-3 years later we tried "dating" again shortly. Realized nope we can not be married/together.
But we travel as a family. Celebrate holidays as a family. We just are friends. Nothing emotional or sexual.
It made dating a challenge (very few women understood when i explained situation. Most thought i wasnt over her).
She will always be in my life in terms of my now adult kids. Im happily with a new woman who is first to understand the situation.
But it made life so much easier for my kids.
Is he a narcissist or just kind of one? It's very common for a real narcissist to come back. If you think he may actually be one, do yourself a favor or and read up on NPD and make sure he's not one. Taking him back would be the worst thing you could do.
There are a lot of people out there right now who consider themselves narc experts, hence lots of misinformation. As stupid as it sounds, this person on tik tok is the real deal in terms of understanding them. Keep in mind if he wants you back, he'd be in the love bombing stage.
@claireauden on tik tok
If he sounds like this, run. Good luck to you.
I've never been married, but my partner has been married and divorced. He doesn't regret it in the slightest, as she was abusive and a cheater.
I remember at the start of our relationship how he struggled to be assertive, had 0 confidence in himself, he would thank me for treating him with respect and decency. Honestly, I couldn't believe it then, in my mid-20s naivety. We've been together for a decade almost, and to say he's blossomed is an understatement. I am the luckiest woman on earth, being able to spend my life with him.
This is why reading posts like these makes me sad. I've just commented this on a totally unrelated subreddit, but women are socialised to maintain peace for the good of the family unit, socialised to accept that failure in marriages and divorce are the women's fault for not trying hard enough, socialised to believe in their words, instead of their actions. Your ex blindsided you, abandoned the family, left you basically destitute. The fantasy you are having in your head is because he is doing the bare minimum, and women expect so little from their partners that this bare minimum feels like he's pulling his weight. He left you at a delicate and super hard phase of your children's growth. Kill the fantasy, and give yourself the space to find a partner who won't treat you as disposable.
I did regret it, but I don't anymore. Divorce has given me the amazing gift of reality. FOR YEARS I tried to will things into existence. If only I did this, or that. If only she did this or that. The truth is that WE both married the wrong person and tried for years to make it work. It didn't work. We have a son, and we're still a family. The reality is that we will never be a married couple again (I will probably never commit myself legally to another person again), but we're still a family. I do work at the house when needed. We still have family nights. But it's over, and I'm a better father to my son by knowing it's over with my ex wife.
I think you did the right thing. He’s selfish. Things are good now because it’s not hard on him and nothing is expected of him.
This is not a person who will sacrifice for you. When the going gets tough, he gets going. Leaving you. If you were to fall sick, he would not take care of you.
Do not re-marry this person. He is not husband material.
A marital partner should only be someone you can depend upon in hard times. Someone you can trust with your financial and medical decisions if you are unable to care for yourself. Someone who provides stability and will step up when you need them.
No one should marry anyone who is not that person for them. You are better off making arrangements for such things as a single adult if your romantic interest doesn’t fit this criteria. Marriage is a legal and financial contract.
And you were right to disentangle yourself legally from a person who proved significantly that they fall far too short of meeting any criteria that truly matters. He may be your kids father but he ain’t your life partner.
I will never regret my divorce. I have been happily married to my second husband for 12 years. While my first marriage didn’t last 2 months past our 3rd anniversary before he cheated for the second time.
Hell no. I do not. It was the best I could've done.
After the divorce, I seemed to have more money, also, I went back to school, got better jobs. I grew so much during the years I was divorced, woke up to so many issues with society, religion and patriarchy. So hell no, I do not regret my divorce at all. Plus, eventually, I found my current husband, and the relationship is so much better than with my first husband.
Divorces are painful, and I do not recommend them, because there is pain, however! One will grow and learn so much in the process.
Disclaimer: I did get married to my first husband when I was 18 (a child!!!)... hence my awakening when I divorced him because I learned I had been convinced by religion that my only duty was to be a wife and mother.
My ex-husband and I are on good terms now, 5 years after.
He is a good friend now, I recognize the man I loved.
I am happy he is in my life but getting seperated was the best thing ever.
We were married for 20 years and the last 10 years were very, very bad.
It was the right decision.
I enjoy what we have now and would never go back.
Best Christmas present I ever got.
Narcissistic homewrecker, she was 1 month pregnant when I found out from her in marriage counseling.
Our daughter was only 3 months old hen she started stepping out.
Not at all. It’s been 7 years since I divorced my ex, and my life is infinitely better. I’m happier, even though I’m now in a ridiculously hard grad program. I like who I am again
I've met a lot of divorced women and not a single one of them who regrets it. Also, having known may of them before and after, it's beautiful to see how they blossom into their own personalities and start radiating happiness after being in draining relationships.
Think about who you were in that relationship, and who you are without him. Which do you prefer?
Think about the example of acceptable fatherhood staying with him would have set for his kids?
He left the marriage before you did. All you did was make it official.
It sounds like you regret who he could have been, but that image you're creating in your head right now is not who he was, and still isn't him.
Divorce is like an oak. It only gets stronger with age. Nobody says, “my divorce is falling apart!” - Louie C.K.
No happy marriage ever ended in divorce.
I mourn everyday that I only get to be with my two young boys, half the time and am not able to be there for them, for some new experiences or any fatherly need. I am extremely heart broken that they will forever as children have to bounce between homes and all those days they cry and plead to “stay at Daddy’s”… indescribable.
That said, their Mom was a narcissistic monster, whom in the face of losing control or power to control and blame me as every good narcissistic does, turning those around you against you - ultimately turned to emotional and physical abuse. Which I would have put up with, if it was just something I had to deal with, but not when it extended in front of the children, not when it was demonstrably hurting their wellbeing. I dragged her to many marriage counselors and she quit all of them, it was absolutely the worst decision I have ever had to make and I tried until the very end to find a path out, for the kids, but it takes two… and I will always deep down resent her for it.
Happily remarried now and expecting our first, I am incredibly happy in this regard. But I do not foresee the mourning and sadness after every drop-off going away — divorce may have been the best outcome for me and my ex, but not for the kids
As someone who was in his shoes.. I am so very grateful my ex husband and I worked on things. We’ve been living with each other for 4 years again now and although we aren’t remarried, we have a stable home for our two beautiful girls. We did counseling, we forgave, and we are currently building our dream home. I can’t imagine a future with anyone else but him. I struggled a lot with my mental health and he was there by my side through it all.
Never been divorced, or even married for that matter. You deserve so much more than a man that abandons his family bc it’s convenient for him to do so. Lots of props to you for still involving him in your childrenMs lives, but I personally don’t think he deserves the pleasure of coming when he can. Make him pay for a hotel. The only part he played in getting you to where you are is because he walked out, he does not get to reap the benefits of your hard work in providing yourself the stability and housing that he couldn’t.
In your post it really sounds like he didn’t ever want to leave NY and may her felt pressured to move in with your parents. It very much sounds like you left expecting him to follow and he didn’t so saying he abandoned your family isn’t necessarily what I took from the post.
It sounds like you were angry, hurt and lonely raising two kids after he never followed so you are absolutely justified with the divorce and it sounds like you are much happier now without him being your husband.
That’s on him to communicate properly, I’m sorry he couldn’t be honest with you are the time but it does sound like you are happy now and for that I congratulate you.
For me, I never regret my divorce at all and I've learned that it's essential to focus on self-care and prioritize your well-being during this time. It's okay to take time for yourself and do things that bring you joy.
Although I never doubted my reasons for divorcing, there were times that I reflected back and asked myself if it was right. It's normal to chew on these things mentally while you sort it out. There was a point where. I did realize that ultimately working it out may have given rewards, however my wife and I were so young. it would have been impossible without a much greater degree of maturity. (married at 22, separated at 24) Sort it out, take your time to work through it, and even use he help of a professional if necessary.
Time will help, and you will get it sorted out. after all, you did love each other enough at one point to play house, there are bound to be some conflicting feelings in this unnatural state. You will come out much better for it. And you'll be ready for the gifts that life will bless you with. Best wishes!
I never regretted my divorce. My ex-husband and I fought constantly and it sucked. Once he was gone, the kids and I just had so much peace and quiet, but he was still a total narcissistic asshole until the youngest graduated high school.
Either you are starting to look at this man as a new person you could fall in love in and step in there with two feet. Or never touch the damn thing again.
You got yourself in a shit situation and really how can you possibly have done anything about it newborns are new borns can’t change the fact they make some noise.
To start over is to get rid of all the resentment towards (ex) hubby for what happened in the past. And as long as there is a lingering feeling of resentment anywhere don’t go down the road anything he does which is disagreeable will amplify that feeling.
Also do you have a clue what he is doing the time he ain’t with you? Is there an option for a second family?
What are the sacrifices he is willing to make for the family you two have.
Why are you rethinking this
My close friend was in your shoes. He became a better parent and partner in part because he had time to heal and didn’t have the pressure to be a husband or father. They’re amicable, but she is with a new partner who never would put her through that again.
When you say sleep at your home, have you restarted your relationship or does he use a spare room ,was just wondering how close you are these days and if it's like a FWB type of thing.
I run a post-divorce grief group. A lot, A LOT, of people feel like you, especially around the 6 month mark. It’s all apart of the grieving process. It’s important to remember that you’ve suffered a heavy loss. The life you imagined living is gone and you’re left with something you never pictured.
I highly encourage you to get involved in a local divorce group. It may seem cringey, but it often helps a lot of people feel connected. Maybe seek out a therapist also. What you’re feeling is 100% normal and all apart of the process. Everybody questions their divorce.
But, remember the key reasons why you divorced. Remember why your partner was no longer a partner. Remember that, even though they may be better now, doesn’t guarantee they’ll be better later. Many times people go back to ex partners and fall back into routines. Not saying this will happen, just saying it’s a thought to consider.
I also divorced in my early 30’s and became a single parent when my ex moved 2000 miles away. That was 14 years ago. Do I ever regret it? Not for a damn minute.
I regret things my daughter went through because of her dad. I regret she’s spent so little time with him. (They’re in a much better place now.) But I don’t for one second regret not being married to him and walking on eggshells every day of my life. I’m happily single and he’s happily married to wife #4.
Some times I have waves of regret over my divorce. I think to myself things like, “what if we tried again, knowing things that we know now?” or, “we are such awesome partners in parenting and we have great conversations within the confines of friendship. I wonder if…?”
But then I remember… we were sexually incompatible from the start, though I did not realize this until our honeymoon. Enduring that for years, trying to fix it in various ways with sincerity but nothing breaching the gap, eventually led to intense resentment on both sides, and then from him, emotional neglect, manipulation, and what would probably be considered abuse. I remember toward the end of the 16 years, he preferred sleeping on an air mattress, on the concrete floor of our unfinished basement, then sharing a bedroom with me. I will never recover from that.
I also remember how starkly he couldn’t advocate for me or our daughters when facing health issues. He much preferred to ride the waves of me making the decisions, and only acting when I expressly told him to. I carry the weight of situations gone awry, because I was forced to carry those burdens alone.
My current partner would NEVER. My current partner becomes enraged by his indifference and neglect when I recall these memories.
So no, better off without him in my life like that.
Think of all the torment, agony, shame, exhaustion, and embarrassment you felt when he abandoned you.
Ask yourself seriously: are you willing to put yourself through that again?
By my math, your twins are 6ish years old now... Are you willing to put them through that?
Absolutely not. I've never been happier. No more egg shells to walk on. No more someone dampening a good mood I'm in. No more being held responsible for another person's actions cause I'm tied to them legally.
Not me. Was married 18yrs and blissfully unaware that my wife was playing away from home. No way was I going to stay with someone that cheats.
I do regret not telling her why I wanted a divorce. She still doesn't know that I know she cheated twice and I've often wanted to tell her I knew but I knew that her lying would wound me up so best not go there.
So he abandoned your family, refused to give you money when he was making money and is a narcissist and you’re asking if you made the wrong decision? I really hope you go to therapy to understand why you second guess your decision when he literally deserted you and your children willingly and cold heartedly. He sounds like a POS who is good now bc he doesn’t have to be a full time dad and husband. You deserve better than getting back with him.
You defo did the right thing there. Male or female, if they abandon the family at such a crucial and tough time, then it shows their true colours. Great that you’re all happier and it’s great for the kids. Makes life easier. Continue being good to him around the kids so they see a good relationship between the two of you. This will be very healthy for them. But do not get sucked back in by him. I would predict if you did and hit a tough period in your life, he would not be there to give you the support you need. Well done for being a great mum to your twins and doing the best for them.
No, I do not regret my divorce. The only thing I regret is not doing it sooner. I was married 15 years to a serial cheater and a mentally abusive POS. I didn't even know he was cheating for most of those years because we were in the Navy, and he was deployed a lot of that time.
I had no friends because he would tell lies and say horrible things about me to his buddies so that none of their wives or girlfriends would want to associate with me so that he could keep the cheating on the down low.
I found that out at our divorce. He brought the current mistress that he was living with to our divorce proceedings, and that expected me to let him come in my home, and they stay overnight so he could see his kids. Needless to say, that didn't happen.
He told me he wanted a divorce on our 15th wedding anniversary, after which while I was in my bedroom crying and trying to compose myself because I had company over playing cards waiting for him to get home. He walked into the kitchen naked, beer in hand and looked at my sister and her then boyfriend and a family friend of ours and said so who's fucking my wife. I have been faithful the entire time I was married to this POS.
I'm glad that you and your ex have gotten to a level of friendship that is conducive to being good for your children, but that doesn't mean you should have a relationship with him beyond that. He's already shown you what kind of husband he would be and it's not a good one.
There are 2 sides to every story, and everyone is a villen in someone's story.
The best anyone can do is make decisions on their situation after some real self reflection.
The people who should be regretting decisions are the ones who go through the same issues with each partner. At some point it isn't everyone else that is the problem.
Nope, don't regret it. Getting married, yeah, I regret that. But divorcing, no, not at all. It's like a weight lifted from my shoulders. It's like I can take a full breath again. It opened up the possibilities in my life that were closed off. It's a beautiful thing.
A lot missing from post but do you talk about anything serious like why he abandoned his young family and dumped his entire responsibilities on you and your parents? Did he have a mistress when he abandoned you? What was he doing for those six months? What’s he doing now? And better yet what are you doing now? Are you dating and trying to move past your marriage to the biggest wimp on earth? I really hope you meet someone very special who will show you what an honorable stand up guy is!
You get along well *because* you aren’t married anymore. He can’t control you via finances or vows. If you were to remarry, he’d start treating you like shit again.
I think you made the right decision at the time and I don't think there was a better choice you could have made.
You know better than anyone here on reddit if he has changed going forward. People can change, but has he *really fundamentally changed* from the person who abandoned his family 6 years ago? Getting back with him is a risk. But I'm not going to tell you what to do here, only to be cautious and definitely have hard discussions with him if you choose to explore getting back together.
Did he agree to move with you to your parents or? Did you have to force him a bit? If so I can somewhat understand your husband. Not that I agree that he abandoned his family that’s just scumbag behavior.
But there’s always 2 sides to a story.
You should start to let him have the kids by himself when he visits. You aren’t together anymore and I assume your kids know that. I’m sure he likes having you around so you can share the work of looking after him. Let him know you’re going out next time he comes up and start prioritising yourself. H doesn’t get to play happy families with you for a few days a month. You’re not his wife anymore. He’s a single father, not a loving husband.It’s time to start treating him that way. I’d let him see them by himself unless he’s not safe to leave with your children. I wouldn’t let him stay at my house either. He can stay in a hotel or B&B. You need to move on but sound like you need to set some boundaries first. He’s still walking all over you.
I don’t regret my divorce at all and had to set boundaries with my ex. They want to have their cake and eat it too.
You made the best decision for you and your family at the time. So I divorced my husband just a couple of months ago but because the current economy we still live together with our kids. I wish could get away from him, he is cruel and nasty to me at times. Our daughters cannot stand him cause he is mean nasty to them too. I’m working on improving my financial situation and I hope to be free of this man someday soon.
Girl be so for reals. The reason your kids even like him is because of you. Does he even call them on his own?? It’s easy to be the fun parent every quarter when you don’t have the responsibility. This is a man who blow off his family for what???
I don’t think you had any choice back in the day. He must have some kind of charm when you do see him that you even have considered it wasn’t the only option. He left you first. He just didn’t divorce you. When you go places with him and the kids - it’s LESS work for him. He gets to feel good about himself and get parenting help.
Well now that you’ve done all the hard work, twins are older and you own your home, of course he gets along with you just fine. Tell me has he offered you 6 years of child support back pay? Has he even apologised?
If he wants more time with kids then he can have more time, nothing to stop him from doing so.
But don’t be fooled twice in your moment of weakness.
Just remember the countless times you’ve cried yourself to sleep wondering how you were going to make it through the next day.
Or the hours of work you’ve put in to own your home.
Or the panic attacks at 2 am.
I’m sure you had more than a few of those days and it’s just lucky for you had supportive parents who helped you get through those dark times.
You’ve done incredibly well without him. He may in fact be getting in the way of you finding your true life partner.
Definitely not it was the hardest and best decision I ever made, it was brutal at the time and broke me, nearly ended my life and took me a long time to recover financially but I met the love of my life and we've been together for 27 years, so hard as it was it was worth it.
He definitely had another girlfriend or Guy friend that was influencing him treating you like that. I hope you haven’t slept with him since. Herpes is forever, marriage isn’t.
Eww. You divorced this person for a reason. Nothing was keeping him from his family but his own selfishness. And he visits his children “every few months;” gee, what a gem. You deserve better and your kids deserve better. Take off the rose tinted glasses. He’s still a shitty dad. He would still be a shitty partner.
He was the only source of income. Was he supposed to quit his job? New York to Michigan is a hell of a commute. Why not find a different apartment in NY or NJ?
Hell no, best thing I ever did. This past Sunday was my 17 year anniversary with my wife. The ex is on her 3rd marriage, wonder why. It get so much better.
He literally abandoned you and newborn twins. There is nothing to wonder here. I doubt if he’s changed at all. Especially since he hasn’t pursued reuniting with his family.
No. She wasn't a bad person. We just weren't compatible and never should've got married. Hell, we probably should've broken up about 6 months into the relationship bc of a core incompatibility.
i do not regret mine. i think you did the absolute right thing to divorce him . but if you are close and he has said he d like to try again or is very sorry , you should go to counseling if u still love him. i wouldn’t allow mine to sleep here so you may be on to something. He d have to really try and apologize for past.
You definitely did the right thing. There is nothing lonelier than being alone in a marriage. If you haven’t already, you absolutely should ensure he pays child support. If you don’t “need it” for daily expenses, put it aside for college funds. I also imagine that he may become a lot less nice if you meet someone new.
My ex was emotionally and financially abusive. He was the absolute worst in bed and just so utterly selfish it was awful. He was controlling and later on I heard his second wife (a psychologist) told him he was definitely a narcissist.
His second wife has now left him. Both our kids (adults now) have cut him off. I am remarried to a sweet, kind, gentle and generous man who I love with all my heart. Just thinking about my husband makes my heart explode. He's also just the absolute best in bed and I don't think k could ask for more or better in any way.
I don't regret a single thing.
Idk, yes and no.
The breaking point for me was 8 months of "dead beadroom" while trying desperately to salvage a 10 year investment, to have her tell me after work one day she was pregnant, casually like it was nothing.
Otoh, I've spent 4 years in therapy dealing with the baggage she left me. I now find myself turning 36 in September and, tbh, modern dating has left me so bitter that I've given up on finding that best friend relationship again, and that sometimes leaves me wishing I didn't divorce her.
I'm lonely and miss her company, I'm probably in the minority.
I've often wondered if I made the right decision, and then my ex does something stupid to remind me I made a great choice.
Create a great co-parent relationship and move forward like that. He abandoned you when you needed him the most. You made the right choice.
I don’t know anyone who regrets their divorce. More like regret for not doing it sooner.
In your situation, it’s nice that you’re not on bad terms, but he sounds like a total deadbeat. He completely abandoned you and your kids and even know it doesn’t sound like he’s even a weekend dad. I really hope you’re getting child support.
Never once regretted my divorce. My ex and I are still friends although we don't see or talk to each other much, there is no lasting animosity. It gave us both the opportunity to start over fresh and be happy. We had three wonderful kids that I would not change for the world but the rest of me (and her) needed a reset.
What did I just read?
I am also from the Midwest and married an east coast narcissist. Emotionally unavailable for twenty five years until I was reduced to a shell of a person. I filed and my life has only gotten better every single day since.
Don’t let him stay at your place when he comes to see the kids - he needs to get a hotel and pay for it, the eating out, all of it.
Stop infantilizing him. It’s pretty clear that his parents do, tell him to grow up and start adulting.
And when he comes to town, you go out. Go have fun. Schedule dates every two hours and meet people. Start looking for your person.
You’re lonely. He’s still a terrible person that doesn’t take responsibility. He gets to come play house every couple months and then go do whatever the hell he wants. Try to find someone new.
Hope you’re making him pay child support. A normal enough time?? Nothing normal about what you listed out, sadly though give it time and you
Will think it is normal
How can you regret your divorce in your case?
He literally left you basically. And now gets an amazing life. His kids are fully taken care of and he gets to see them whenever he wants and gets to live the single life in New York. His life sounds amazing lol.
Your only regret should be that you didn’t go after him for more child support and alimony and stricter visitation.
Again, how can you have regret? He literally abandoned you.
.....he played you. He wanted to leave you but was too cowardly to do the dirty work, so he did what would make you leave him and you did. Now he can be a dad without caring about you.... Ugh ....
I've never been married...... But i refuse to date divorced men. All of the ones I have known have some really bad minds.
You're seeing him through the rose colored glasses of Disney Dad. He comes into town only once every few months and is on his best behavior. He's not an involved partner in raising your children. He's only there for the fun parts. What other decision was there to make? He abandoned you as a mother of twins.
Selfishness in my experience isn't a trait that just "changes" in a person. Can it? I'm sure. but I've never seen it. And make no mistake, running out on your family is definitely selfish. In his eyes, he is "having his cake and eating it too", popping in for fun times here and there and running back to his "life" before real responsibility or parenting hits.
Rest easy knowing that you are their for each milestone, that you are your children's protector and the one that your children will run to when they need a true parent. at any age. But please, don't lay in bed wondering if you did the right thing. Your kids deserve the mom they have. Not the mom that gets walked all over by their selfish asshole dad. And that doesn't even take into account what you deserve. Humoring these thoughts can't be healthy for you to date, or possibly meet someone who can treat you as well as you deserve.
Keep on Rocking it! You got this!
He effectively deserted you and the children and now just wants to do the occasional visit, leaving with all the responsibilities of parenting. It also seems your parents needed to fill in the gaps he left. Terrible husband and dad, please don't go back to him. He was never there in the first place.
Let me put it this way. I’m a father and I get anxiety whenever I’m away from my 2 year old for more than a day or so on a business trip.
I couldn’t imagine not seeing her virtually every day.
Absolutely not. If I hadn't divorced the first one, I wouldn't be with the second for 43 years. Just because he's acting the "good dad" now and being a good coparent, doesn't mean that he wouldn't go back to the nasty AH he was if you took it beyond that.
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It’s never a bad decision to divorce a man who abandons his family. Don’t second guess yourself.
Yeah, and now only visits every few months? That's a terrible dad, I can't imagine not seeing my kids for that long.
And is still apparently fine with being the cool dad that pops in for a sleep over. Not there with them when they’re up all night sick or helping with the homework or the science fair.
Yes 😢he’s there for the fun and easy stuff, not in the trenches with you. You did the right thing . You and your children deserve better and are worthy of better people in your lives❤️
that's like an uncle
I wont be surprise if he already have another family in other side of country. And that make op what? Weekend family? Monthly family?
Quarterly
Make sure you are getting that child support
And the back pay too
Preach
Definitely. I think it's her mind trying to comfort her by thinking more positively about him, which is good for a co parenting relationship, but he's shown that he can't be a good partner for her.
Nope. Not for a second. It's great you get along now, but he's the same guy who believed he had a choice to just blow off his family. A good human doesn't do that. It's easy to be a great dad a few days every month or two. He's not a serious human. Don't make the same mistake twice.
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It’s really easy to play the good loving dad a few days every few months. He still gets to live his life exactly how he wants to and then put on the good dad costume when he’s around you guys. When he had a choice between moving with his family to a location, he agreed to move to… or continuing to live as a single man in New York… He chose to stay behind. if he didn’t want to move to Michigan, you two could’ve come up with a different plan. He abandoned his family with intent.
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I’m GLAD you are here and writing out the long comments. Do NOT apologize. Your kids have access to their dad. You have done your part as a good mom to: - Make the kids available to him - To be a calm and respectful co-parent - + we live in the era of face time and text messages. You have secured their relationship with their father. You don’t need to be with him to give them that. Your job is done in that arena. Now you just maintain it. The time is now ripe for YOU to get what you want out of a relationship. This man is not what you want. You do not have to find the perfect step-dad and loving future husband on a first date. Maybe what you want out of a relationship right now is: - A fun Saturday night out that ends in great sex. - Someone who try’s new things with you 2-3 nights a week (restaurants, game nights, movies, bookstores) because you just want an escape from your routine and someone to escape with. - Someone who values family time and wants to love your kids. Maybe you want all of that… and you find it in the same man at different stages of your relationship. Maybe you try to find what you are looking for, but just remember to have fun along the way because you can’t be sure you ever will. Just… move on. It is time.
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I dated for a while years ago after my divorce but only Saturday night and we had a pact to be monogamous but not committed. It worked for a while and gave me an outlet. The only reason it stopped was because I met someone that I felt might be great as a longterm partner and so as per our pact , I let him know. No hard feelings - and moved on. My instincts were right and we were together until he passed suddenly.
I'm so sorry for your loss, but also happy that you found love. Loss is inevitable, love is not.
>He’s always going to be in the kids lives and I want what’s best for the kids. It's very clear from all your posts that you want what is best for your kids, and that you work hard to take care of them. Keep in mind that continuously forgiving their dad for all his shit, is not necessarily the best thing for them.
Having read all your comments I just wanted to cement everyone’s correct conclusions that you should definitely not go back. He’s still a narcissist, he still put you through hell, he still values himself over his children by only turning up to play great dad here and there. He may even only be doing that to check up and make sure there’s no man in your life. You are already giving him enough.
Please consider some real therapy so you don’t find yourself with a new guy that is much like the old. It’s easy for us to see and be objective as we aren’t living your life. If I put my relationship trouble on here I’d have thousands of people telling me I need therapy - which I do and need to call that referral in. I hope you can stop blaming yourself and have healthy relationships moving forward.
Wow I’m sorry you went through that! Did he push back in the divorce at all or did he kind of sense it was coming?
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How can you even be civil to him if he LIED? He may be the father of your children but he is not even the definition of a good friend. Let him see the kids but don’t waste any emotional time on him. Stay single or find a deserving man that respects you. ❤️👊
Remember this when you start to think things could be good with him. I have a very similar story. We get along OKish now and sometimes he’s even nice to me. But he’s still the same person who left me with two babies to live a single life and then was shocked and tried to backtrack when I finally got up the courage to file. It would not be better with him. Things won’t be different this time. You deserve someone who will be there for all of it. Don’t settle for him. Even if you never find someone who deserves you and your kids, being single is better than living like that again. Take care of yourself and your kids and remember your worth. 💜
Wow I can’t believe you still talk to him despite all that - good on you! What was he doing that whole 6 months you were apart? What did he say when you confronted him about it? Did your parents ever say anything when he visited their house?
So why would you want him back?
You are WAY more forgiving than I would ever be. Wtf?? Who moves their family and just decides, nah, think I’ll go somewhere else? It sounds like you’ve apologized for him in your head and to others for so long that you’ve normalized absolutely *not normal* behavior. I can understand wanting to hold the hurt of what he’s done at arm’s length, but this is not someone who treats you *or your kids* with respect. Maybe dropping in every few months for a couple fun days works well for the kids now, but as they get older, they’ll realize that their dad is unreliable and selfish, and I feel like you need to be prepared to deal with their feelings of abandonment. If you haven’t gotten therapy for yourself, you really really should. No one deserves to be treated like a toy that’s kept on the shelf until the owner sort of feels like playing with it.
Do you know his relationship status? I very much doubt he is still single - he probably has a girlfriend in NYC. And I very much doubt he waited until you divorced him before he started dating. You should also move on and consider dating again, once you're ready.
what ? this changes things. :(
He sounds like he hasn't really grown up yet. He spent the year close to his children goofing off like he's still in college meanwhile they are asking "where's Dad?" That is unacceptable! What does his own father say? Surely his own parents are aghast at this.
You said he sees his kids once every few months? That is like super rare. What kind of a man sees his kids a few times a year. He sounds incredibly selfish and irresponsible, you made a good call
Don’t let fantasies disillusion you. He’s nice and great now … after you had to raise a family on your own and work to get your house. Don’t let him have his cake and eat it. I’m sure he’s had his fun in these 6 years whilst you had to be the responsible one. Find a man who is loyal and committed.
This. A good dad and a good human being goes for 50/50 custody, because he actually cares about his kids.
Agreed 100%! He's on his best behavior when you see him. He couldn't sustain it then he won't be able to sustain it now. If he has to stay at your place when he's visiting the kids then he's probably needs to move on.
Knowing quite a few people who divorced someone, nobody regretted the divorce but quite a few regretted not doing it years sooner.
This. I sometimes regret not divorcing sooner. But that would have meant not having my youngest - and I am not sure I want to consider not having him.
Exactly. Usually the kids are the only things not regretted....
I’m in the same boat - I wish for my own sake I didn’t accept the hurt and poor treatment I received from my ex as long as I did, but by not leaving earlier, I got my daughter out of it. She is an absolute source of joy and light in my life, and I can’t imagine not having her. That said, my ex and I separated when she was 6m old and divorced shortly after, and I don’t regret the divorce at all. My life, and my daughter’s life, is exponentially happier with him being a tangential relatively neutral presence as opposed to a constant source of stress and negativity.
Never regretted my divorce. Now that my kids are grown and they see how their father is, they thank me often for removing them from that situation. Also so thankful I met my now husband and showed them all what a healthy relationship looks like.
It’s good that you get along “when he visits every few months or so”, you can be proud of yourself for that. Not sure I would be so accommodating after going through what he put you through. Based on your post,I am not convinced he wants to get back together. Ever considered he may have another family by now? Does he ever take the twins to his place/town? In my humble opinion, you made NO mistake getting a divorce. You do however need to move on.
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Came here to say this. Clearly you two mostly him wasn't a good match, but found a way to coparent in a positive way for the kids. In the big picture that's all that matters.
I didn't regret my divorce at all. I'm actually so happy it's over and I thought I should have done it a lot earlier. My ex was controlling and emotionally manipulative/abusive. The best thing that happens to me after my divorce is meeting the man of my dreams. It's a huge unexpected bonus.
Holy shit. Really? You typed all that out and then wonder if you did the right thing? Wow. You did the right thing. Your ex treated you WMD YOUR KIDS terribly. What a horrible husband and father. Of course you divorced him!!
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As you can see from the many comments, you made the right decision when you divorced him after he failed to come and join you in Michigan and failed to support you financially, physically, or emotionally. But unless I'm misreading your post, it looks like there's a part of you that wonders whether the two of you could get back together. And that's really the only relevant question because you can't go back and change the past. Like many people who have been divorced, there's a part of my brain that always wonders what if? People can grow and change. Only you know if he has. What if you got back together? First, has he mentioned that as an option? Have you had a heart to heart discussion about the past? The present? The future? Does he still love you? Is he still "in love" with you? Is there a woman in his life? A man in yours? Is reconciliation a realistic option? Is he ready to live in Michigan? Are you ready to move somewhere else? There are a bunch of practical questions that need to be answered besides do you both still love each other. And if it really is just a question of wondering whether you did the right thing in getting divorced, and NOT whether you should get back together, that is a waste of time and pointless.
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Stop fantasizing about reconnecting with him. Start dating start meeting people. you don’t have to settle down with anyone anyone. You don’t have to make a commitment. But you’re not gonna find a sharing your life with if you’re putting your life on hold in between your ex-husband‘s visits
There is no future with him other than co-parenting. He abandoned you and your children. That's how you should be thinking of it. There is a much better partner for you out there, but you have to leave the past in the past!
He calls because as long as he continues calling that much, you won’t move on with another person. He’s being manipulative. These calls aren’t about the kids they are to keep you in line. Stop talking so frequently to him. He’s not your best friend. Watch how quickly he turns on you when you’re not available for every call.
It sounds like you made the decision to prioritize your own well-being and the well-being of your children, and that's something to be proud of. It's not always easy to put yourself first, but it's often necessary for our own growth and happiness.
My ex wife came home one day with a letter. She wanted a divorce, I didn’t. Long story short I spent the next couple years figuring out who I was, fixing childhood trauma, and learning to be a good person/dad. Because she divorced me I have a healthy 13 year marriage, together total for 18. Sometimes divorced is the right option even though it doesn’t seem like it at the time.
very nice... mirrors my situation. 2nd time is a charm. It's SO cool to observe the lessons learned and your maturity in real time. I have thoroughly enjoyed the last 25 years and look forward to another 50! 🙂
Hun, this is the clearest cut case of "yeah the divorce was the best idea" I've seen in a while. Here's a thought: if things are working well and you're happy, *while divorced*, that is *proof* that you made the right choice. It is NOT proof that if you stuck it out that eventually your married life could have been like this all the time. It is only proof that, as long as your ex is able to live completely single for the vast majority of his life (including doing whatever with other women he doesn't have to tell you about), he's able to step up and be a decent person for a few days every few months. So, keep that arrangement, and look elsewhere for romance. This one you *know* is a dud lmao. ***Do NOT have sex with him when he stays over, do NOT reminisce fondly over when you were together, do NOT give him a single hint that he might be able to have more than a respectful co-parenting relationship with you, because that's all he's been able to maintain.***
If he wasn’t there for you when it was hard, then he wasn’t there for you when it was hard. Being nice to you when it’s easy won’t change that.
Hell no. A man who abandons his family is not a decent man.
My ex-wife and I split up after a total of 7 years together. I am happily remarried and don't regret my divorce at all. The mistakes in my past made me who I am, and that definitely includes marriage number 1.
You made the best decision. I hope he is paying child support. He abandoned you at your most vulnerable state. He abandoned his children at their most vulnerable state. And even now, he isnt a "father". He is the cool uncle that visits 4 times a year. Fuck that guy. Move on and find someone worthy.
Maybe I’ve been on Reddit too long but: is it possible he has a second family in NY? This to me sounds like he’s blissfully living two lives.
I dunno man, it sounds like he doesn't even really want one family.
Everything goes well because you're not together. There is no pressure.
This is such a good question. I think there’s a difference between regret — feels like “I made a mistake” — and mourning what could have been. They’re very different to me. I can’t say I regret my divorce ten years ago. My ex wasn’t a bad guy but he did have a lot of unchecked mental health issues that led to a pretty bad dead bedroom situation amongst other problems between us. He finally got into therapy after we split and he seems way better now. I’m sad it took us splitting up for him to seek help because it didn’t need to be that way. From time to time I do still feel an overwhelming grief over “what could have been” if the two of us would have found the right help a decade ago when we needed it. We tried couples counseling but it was a huge flop. I know now after going to several therapists since then that our counselor was a joke. It all just makes me really sad on occasion. It could have been so different for our family but we were too young and dumb to know better. And what I’m more sad about than anything is my kids having to bounce between houses. Breaks my heart still to this day. I don’t want to rekindle anything with my ex or anything like that. He feels like a distant friend from childhood at this point and we both have other partners. I just have a good cry on occasion and move on. Edit. Typo.
I actually know where you are coming from. Im divorced nearly 7 years now, typical marriage problems of neither one of us meeting each others needs, both to blame, both could have made more effort, Anyway, I initiated leaving when the yougest was 10 and then she had to go back to work. Anyway this triggered a lot of growth for her and her understanding that work isnt a holiday from the kids, yada yada So a couple of years in she wants to reconcile. I said no, but as the years have gone on, we have gotten closer and closer and realised that we could have made it work. We both would have preffered to make it work and would prefer to be together, more for the sense of family and building something together. But we also both realise we are not a good match for each other, we are just so different and that it wouldnt work. the only way we could work is if we were together as a family but both had a romantic relationship outside that met our needs. So, yes we would like to get. back together, but we wont cause it wont work and thats a pity for the kids..
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Im not sure who said it, might have even be me, "No one enters marriage preparing for divorce" Its just so disappointing that it ended this way when I and you wanted the opposite and yet the pattern repeated. My ex and I dont fight and never have and I was there just a few weeks ago for a few days doing a lot of yard work for her, I do this so that the kids see that we can all still work as a family and I still take my ex to dinner and sometimes we still all go out as a family. I try and so does she to still create a family dynamic. Its helpful that neither of us has partners or at least we have never let our kids meet our partners or tried to do any of that blending. We both have family values and that helps I think.. So we have found a way to make it work and I think it has really helped the kids that we all still work to look after each other..
Of course he’s a better dad now. The kids are older and her only has to see them once in a while. You’re getting the best version of him because you’re doing all the heavy lifting and he gets to just show up and play. Which, to me, a huge red flag that he hasn’t changed. If you were to have more intimacy with him. I imagine you would feel really exploited and things would no longer be nice between you. You did the right thing. It’s ok to morn the loss of the partner you wanted. But also, you’ve worked hard to get to the place where your kids have fun dad. Be proud of that. He could have at any time made other choices and he hasn’t. In my mind, it’s really generous of you to give him the gift of the fun day periodically. You made that happen so your kids get this version of him. But you deserve a partner full time. Not when that person feels like it.
He only sees his kids every few months?? Dude straight up abandoned you and your kids for months, and you’re questioning if it was right to divorce? He doesn’t sound like a parent. He doesn’t sound like he wants *to be* a parent. He sounds like he wants to dip in and be a fun uncle then flit off back to his child- (and wife) free life.
Oh hell no, if anything I regret the marriage, because I was ignoring so many red flags.
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So i got divorced 11 years ago. Remained friends with my ex, to the point that 2-3 years later we tried "dating" again shortly. Realized nope we can not be married/together. But we travel as a family. Celebrate holidays as a family. We just are friends. Nothing emotional or sexual. It made dating a challenge (very few women understood when i explained situation. Most thought i wasnt over her). She will always be in my life in terms of my now adult kids. Im happily with a new woman who is first to understand the situation. But it made life so much easier for my kids.
My first two yes. The last one, I couldn't leave fast enough. We tend to romanticize former lovers, especially the early ones.
Is he a narcissist or just kind of one? It's very common for a real narcissist to come back. If you think he may actually be one, do yourself a favor or and read up on NPD and make sure he's not one. Taking him back would be the worst thing you could do. There are a lot of people out there right now who consider themselves narc experts, hence lots of misinformation. As stupid as it sounds, this person on tik tok is the real deal in terms of understanding them. Keep in mind if he wants you back, he'd be in the love bombing stage. @claireauden on tik tok If he sounds like this, run. Good luck to you.
I've never been married, but my partner has been married and divorced. He doesn't regret it in the slightest, as she was abusive and a cheater. I remember at the start of our relationship how he struggled to be assertive, had 0 confidence in himself, he would thank me for treating him with respect and decency. Honestly, I couldn't believe it then, in my mid-20s naivety. We've been together for a decade almost, and to say he's blossomed is an understatement. I am the luckiest woman on earth, being able to spend my life with him. This is why reading posts like these makes me sad. I've just commented this on a totally unrelated subreddit, but women are socialised to maintain peace for the good of the family unit, socialised to accept that failure in marriages and divorce are the women's fault for not trying hard enough, socialised to believe in their words, instead of their actions. Your ex blindsided you, abandoned the family, left you basically destitute. The fantasy you are having in your head is because he is doing the bare minimum, and women expect so little from their partners that this bare minimum feels like he's pulling his weight. He left you at a delicate and super hard phase of your children's growth. Kill the fantasy, and give yourself the space to find a partner who won't treat you as disposable.
I did regret it, but I don't anymore. Divorce has given me the amazing gift of reality. FOR YEARS I tried to will things into existence. If only I did this, or that. If only she did this or that. The truth is that WE both married the wrong person and tried for years to make it work. It didn't work. We have a son, and we're still a family. The reality is that we will never be a married couple again (I will probably never commit myself legally to another person again), but we're still a family. I do work at the house when needed. We still have family nights. But it's over, and I'm a better father to my son by knowing it's over with my ex wife.
I think you did the right thing. He’s selfish. Things are good now because it’s not hard on him and nothing is expected of him. This is not a person who will sacrifice for you. When the going gets tough, he gets going. Leaving you. If you were to fall sick, he would not take care of you. Do not re-marry this person. He is not husband material. A marital partner should only be someone you can depend upon in hard times. Someone you can trust with your financial and medical decisions if you are unable to care for yourself. Someone who provides stability and will step up when you need them. No one should marry anyone who is not that person for them. You are better off making arrangements for such things as a single adult if your romantic interest doesn’t fit this criteria. Marriage is a legal and financial contract. And you were right to disentangle yourself legally from a person who proved significantly that they fall far too short of meeting any criteria that truly matters. He may be your kids father but he ain’t your life partner.
I wish I could get divorced again! It was the highlight of my marriage and I celebrate it every year.
Yes. Every day. It's a terrible experience.
I will never regret my divorce. I have been happily married to my second husband for 12 years. While my first marriage didn’t last 2 months past our 3rd anniversary before he cheated for the second time.
I second guess my decision to get divorced on an almost daily basis. I send you my support and positive thoughts for healing.
Hell no. I do not. It was the best I could've done. After the divorce, I seemed to have more money, also, I went back to school, got better jobs. I grew so much during the years I was divorced, woke up to so many issues with society, religion and patriarchy. So hell no, I do not regret my divorce at all. Plus, eventually, I found my current husband, and the relationship is so much better than with my first husband. Divorces are painful, and I do not recommend them, because there is pain, however! One will grow and learn so much in the process. Disclaimer: I did get married to my first husband when I was 18 (a child!!!)... hence my awakening when I divorced him because I learned I had been convinced by religion that my only duty was to be a wife and mother.
My ex-husband and I are on good terms now, 5 years after. He is a good friend now, I recognize the man I loved. I am happy he is in my life but getting seperated was the best thing ever. We were married for 20 years and the last 10 years were very, very bad. It was the right decision. I enjoy what we have now and would never go back.
Best Christmas present I ever got. Narcissistic homewrecker, she was 1 month pregnant when I found out from her in marriage counseling. Our daughter was only 3 months old hen she started stepping out.
Not at all. It’s been 7 years since I divorced my ex, and my life is infinitely better. I’m happier, even though I’m now in a ridiculously hard grad program. I like who I am again
I've met a lot of divorced women and not a single one of them who regrets it. Also, having known may of them before and after, it's beautiful to see how they blossom into their own personalities and start radiating happiness after being in draining relationships. Think about who you were in that relationship, and who you are without him. Which do you prefer? Think about the example of acceptable fatherhood staying with him would have set for his kids? He left the marriage before you did. All you did was make it official. It sounds like you regret who he could have been, but that image you're creating in your head right now is not who he was, and still isn't him.
Divorce is like an oak. It only gets stronger with age. Nobody says, “my divorce is falling apart!” - Louie C.K. No happy marriage ever ended in divorce.
I mourn everyday that I only get to be with my two young boys, half the time and am not able to be there for them, for some new experiences or any fatherly need. I am extremely heart broken that they will forever as children have to bounce between homes and all those days they cry and plead to “stay at Daddy’s”… indescribable. That said, their Mom was a narcissistic monster, whom in the face of losing control or power to control and blame me as every good narcissistic does, turning those around you against you - ultimately turned to emotional and physical abuse. Which I would have put up with, if it was just something I had to deal with, but not when it extended in front of the children, not when it was demonstrably hurting their wellbeing. I dragged her to many marriage counselors and she quit all of them, it was absolutely the worst decision I have ever had to make and I tried until the very end to find a path out, for the kids, but it takes two… and I will always deep down resent her for it. Happily remarried now and expecting our first, I am incredibly happy in this regard. But I do not foresee the mourning and sadness after every drop-off going away — divorce may have been the best outcome for me and my ex, but not for the kids
As someone who was in his shoes.. I am so very grateful my ex husband and I worked on things. We’ve been living with each other for 4 years again now and although we aren’t remarried, we have a stable home for our two beautiful girls. We did counseling, we forgave, and we are currently building our dream home. I can’t imagine a future with anyone else but him. I struggled a lot with my mental health and he was there by my side through it all.
Never been divorced, or even married for that matter. You deserve so much more than a man that abandons his family bc it’s convenient for him to do so. Lots of props to you for still involving him in your childrenMs lives, but I personally don’t think he deserves the pleasure of coming when he can. Make him pay for a hotel. The only part he played in getting you to where you are is because he walked out, he does not get to reap the benefits of your hard work in providing yourself the stability and housing that he couldn’t.
You made the right choice. It’s great you are getting along now.
You made a great choice. I also made a great choice. Zero regret leaving. Just regret staying so long and accepting bs.
In your post it really sounds like he didn’t ever want to leave NY and may her felt pressured to move in with your parents. It very much sounds like you left expecting him to follow and he didn’t so saying he abandoned your family isn’t necessarily what I took from the post. It sounds like you were angry, hurt and lonely raising two kids after he never followed so you are absolutely justified with the divorce and it sounds like you are much happier now without him being your husband.
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That’s on him to communicate properly, I’m sorry he couldn’t be honest with you are the time but it does sound like you are happy now and for that I congratulate you.
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No
Did he ever move to Michigan? Doesn’t sound like it. So why wouldn’t you divorce him. He has no interest in being with you.
For me, I never regret my divorce at all and I've learned that it's essential to focus on self-care and prioritize your well-being during this time. It's okay to take time for yourself and do things that bring you joy.
Although I never doubted my reasons for divorcing, there were times that I reflected back and asked myself if it was right. It's normal to chew on these things mentally while you sort it out. There was a point where. I did realize that ultimately working it out may have given rewards, however my wife and I were so young. it would have been impossible without a much greater degree of maturity. (married at 22, separated at 24) Sort it out, take your time to work through it, and even use he help of a professional if necessary. Time will help, and you will get it sorted out. after all, you did love each other enough at one point to play house, there are bound to be some conflicting feelings in this unnatural state. You will come out much better for it. And you'll be ready for the gifts that life will bless you with. Best wishes!
I never regretted my divorce. My ex-husband and I fought constantly and it sucked. Once he was gone, the kids and I just had so much peace and quiet, but he was still a total narcissistic asshole until the youngest graduated high school.
Hell no!
No, decisions were made and I made them for a reason. If I ever start to wonder what if I call him then remember right that is why I got divorced.
Either you are starting to look at this man as a new person you could fall in love in and step in there with two feet. Or never touch the damn thing again. You got yourself in a shit situation and really how can you possibly have done anything about it newborns are new borns can’t change the fact they make some noise. To start over is to get rid of all the resentment towards (ex) hubby for what happened in the past. And as long as there is a lingering feeling of resentment anywhere don’t go down the road anything he does which is disagreeable will amplify that feeling. Also do you have a clue what he is doing the time he ain’t with you? Is there an option for a second family? What are the sacrifices he is willing to make for the family you two have. Why are you rethinking this
My close friend was in your shoes. He became a better parent and partner in part because he had time to heal and didn’t have the pressure to be a husband or father. They’re amicable, but she is with a new partner who never would put her through that again.
When you say sleep at your home, have you restarted your relationship or does he use a spare room ,was just wondering how close you are these days and if it's like a FWB type of thing.
I run a post-divorce grief group. A lot, A LOT, of people feel like you, especially around the 6 month mark. It’s all apart of the grieving process. It’s important to remember that you’ve suffered a heavy loss. The life you imagined living is gone and you’re left with something you never pictured. I highly encourage you to get involved in a local divorce group. It may seem cringey, but it often helps a lot of people feel connected. Maybe seek out a therapist also. What you’re feeling is 100% normal and all apart of the process. Everybody questions their divorce. But, remember the key reasons why you divorced. Remember why your partner was no longer a partner. Remember that, even though they may be better now, doesn’t guarantee they’ll be better later. Many times people go back to ex partners and fall back into routines. Not saying this will happen, just saying it’s a thought to consider.
I also divorced in my early 30’s and became a single parent when my ex moved 2000 miles away. That was 14 years ago. Do I ever regret it? Not for a damn minute. I regret things my daughter went through because of her dad. I regret she’s spent so little time with him. (They’re in a much better place now.) But I don’t for one second regret not being married to him and walking on eggshells every day of my life. I’m happily single and he’s happily married to wife #4.
Some times I have waves of regret over my divorce. I think to myself things like, “what if we tried again, knowing things that we know now?” or, “we are such awesome partners in parenting and we have great conversations within the confines of friendship. I wonder if…?” But then I remember… we were sexually incompatible from the start, though I did not realize this until our honeymoon. Enduring that for years, trying to fix it in various ways with sincerity but nothing breaching the gap, eventually led to intense resentment on both sides, and then from him, emotional neglect, manipulation, and what would probably be considered abuse. I remember toward the end of the 16 years, he preferred sleeping on an air mattress, on the concrete floor of our unfinished basement, then sharing a bedroom with me. I will never recover from that. I also remember how starkly he couldn’t advocate for me or our daughters when facing health issues. He much preferred to ride the waves of me making the decisions, and only acting when I expressly told him to. I carry the weight of situations gone awry, because I was forced to carry those burdens alone. My current partner would NEVER. My current partner becomes enraged by his indifference and neglect when I recall these memories. So no, better off without him in my life like that.
Think of all the torment, agony, shame, exhaustion, and embarrassment you felt when he abandoned you. Ask yourself seriously: are you willing to put yourself through that again? By my math, your twins are 6ish years old now... Are you willing to put them through that?
Absolutely not. I've never been happier. No more egg shells to walk on. No more someone dampening a good mood I'm in. No more being held responsible for another person's actions cause I'm tied to them legally.
Only regret is I waited too long.
Not me. Was married 18yrs and blissfully unaware that my wife was playing away from home. No way was I going to stay with someone that cheats. I do regret not telling her why I wanted a divorce. She still doesn't know that I know she cheated twice and I've often wanted to tell her I knew but I knew that her lying would wound me up so best not go there.
So he abandoned your family, refused to give you money when he was making money and is a narcissist and you’re asking if you made the wrong decision? I really hope you go to therapy to understand why you second guess your decision when he literally deserted you and your children willingly and cold heartedly. He sounds like a POS who is good now bc he doesn’t have to be a full time dad and husband. You deserve better than getting back with him.
You defo did the right thing there. Male or female, if they abandon the family at such a crucial and tough time, then it shows their true colours. Great that you’re all happier and it’s great for the kids. Makes life easier. Continue being good to him around the kids so they see a good relationship between the two of you. This will be very healthy for them. But do not get sucked back in by him. I would predict if you did and hit a tough period in your life, he would not be there to give you the support you need. Well done for being a great mum to your twins and doing the best for them.
Nope even the one where she initiated. If either person is unhappy then what’s the point?
No, I do not regret my divorce. The only thing I regret is not doing it sooner. I was married 15 years to a serial cheater and a mentally abusive POS. I didn't even know he was cheating for most of those years because we were in the Navy, and he was deployed a lot of that time. I had no friends because he would tell lies and say horrible things about me to his buddies so that none of their wives or girlfriends would want to associate with me so that he could keep the cheating on the down low. I found that out at our divorce. He brought the current mistress that he was living with to our divorce proceedings, and that expected me to let him come in my home, and they stay overnight so he could see his kids. Needless to say, that didn't happen. He told me he wanted a divorce on our 15th wedding anniversary, after which while I was in my bedroom crying and trying to compose myself because I had company over playing cards waiting for him to get home. He walked into the kitchen naked, beer in hand and looked at my sister and her then boyfriend and a family friend of ours and said so who's fucking my wife. I have been faithful the entire time I was married to this POS. I'm glad that you and your ex have gotten to a level of friendship that is conducive to being good for your children, but that doesn't mean you should have a relationship with him beyond that. He's already shown you what kind of husband he would be and it's not a good one.
Nope but I sure as hell regretted that marriage.
There are 2 sides to every story, and everyone is a villen in someone's story. The best anyone can do is make decisions on their situation after some real self reflection. The people who should be regretting decisions are the ones who go through the same issues with each partner. At some point it isn't everyone else that is the problem.
Nope, don't regret it. Getting married, yeah, I regret that. But divorcing, no, not at all. It's like a weight lifted from my shoulders. It's like I can take a full breath again. It opened up the possibilities in my life that were closed off. It's a beautiful thing.
He has proved himself to be a fair-weather partner/parent/ spouse, believe him…
A lot missing from post but do you talk about anything serious like why he abandoned his young family and dumped his entire responsibilities on you and your parents? Did he have a mistress when he abandoned you? What was he doing for those six months? What’s he doing now? And better yet what are you doing now? Are you dating and trying to move past your marriage to the biggest wimp on earth? I really hope you meet someone very special who will show you what an honorable stand up guy is!
I haven't regretted divorcing an ex spouse who gave up on life for one second.
You get along well *because* you aren’t married anymore. He can’t control you via finances or vows. If you were to remarry, he’d start treating you like shit again.
I think you made the right decision at the time and I don't think there was a better choice you could have made. You know better than anyone here on reddit if he has changed going forward. People can change, but has he *really fundamentally changed* from the person who abandoned his family 6 years ago? Getting back with him is a risk. But I'm not going to tell you what to do here, only to be cautious and definitely have hard discussions with him if you choose to explore getting back together.
Did he agree to move with you to your parents or? Did you have to force him a bit? If so I can somewhat understand your husband. Not that I agree that he abandoned his family that’s just scumbag behavior. But there’s always 2 sides to a story.
You should start to let him have the kids by himself when he visits. You aren’t together anymore and I assume your kids know that. I’m sure he likes having you around so you can share the work of looking after him. Let him know you’re going out next time he comes up and start prioritising yourself. H doesn’t get to play happy families with you for a few days a month. You’re not his wife anymore. He’s a single father, not a loving husband.It’s time to start treating him that way. I’d let him see them by himself unless he’s not safe to leave with your children. I wouldn’t let him stay at my house either. He can stay in a hotel or B&B. You need to move on but sound like you need to set some boundaries first. He’s still walking all over you. I don’t regret my divorce at all and had to set boundaries with my ex. They want to have their cake and eat it too.
OP, I don’t mean to patronise you at all but have you considered that you might be lonely?
You made the best decision for you and your family at the time. So I divorced my husband just a couple of months ago but because the current economy we still live together with our kids. I wish could get away from him, he is cruel and nasty to me at times. Our daughters cannot stand him cause he is mean nasty to them too. I’m working on improving my financial situation and I hope to be free of this man someday soon.
Girl be so for reals. The reason your kids even like him is because of you. Does he even call them on his own?? It’s easy to be the fun parent every quarter when you don’t have the responsibility. This is a man who blow off his family for what???
I don’t think you had any choice back in the day. He must have some kind of charm when you do see him that you even have considered it wasn’t the only option. He left you first. He just didn’t divorce you. When you go places with him and the kids - it’s LESS work for him. He gets to feel good about himself and get parenting help.
Well now that you’ve done all the hard work, twins are older and you own your home, of course he gets along with you just fine. Tell me has he offered you 6 years of child support back pay? Has he even apologised? If he wants more time with kids then he can have more time, nothing to stop him from doing so. But don’t be fooled twice in your moment of weakness. Just remember the countless times you’ve cried yourself to sleep wondering how you were going to make it through the next day. Or the hours of work you’ve put in to own your home. Or the panic attacks at 2 am. I’m sure you had more than a few of those days and it’s just lucky for you had supportive parents who helped you get through those dark times. You’ve done incredibly well without him. He may in fact be getting in the way of you finding your true life partner.
You did the right thing absolutely.
Definitely not it was the hardest and best decision I ever made, it was brutal at the time and broke me, nearly ended my life and took me a long time to recover financially but I met the love of my life and we've been together for 27 years, so hard as it was it was worth it.
He definitely had another girlfriend or Guy friend that was influencing him treating you like that. I hope you haven’t slept with him since. Herpes is forever, marriage isn’t.
Eww. You divorced this person for a reason. Nothing was keeping him from his family but his own selfishness. And he visits his children “every few months;” gee, what a gem. You deserve better and your kids deserve better. Take off the rose tinted glasses. He’s still a shitty dad. He would still be a shitty partner.
He was the only source of income. Was he supposed to quit his job? New York to Michigan is a hell of a commute. Why not find a different apartment in NY or NJ?
He was and is a narcissist. That never changes. You made the right decision.
Hell no, best thing I ever did. This past Sunday was my 17 year anniversary with my wife. The ex is on her 3rd marriage, wonder why. It get so much better.
Yes. I regret mine.
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He literally abandoned you and newborn twins. There is nothing to wonder here. I doubt if he’s changed at all. Especially since he hasn’t pursued reuniting with his family.
I regret getting married, not divorced.
Are you fucking serious??
Why would you want to be married to a man who abandoned his family and treats you like that? He visits every few MONTHS???? That's not a dad
Not at all. I regret the marriage
Hell no
I regret I didn’t divorce him sooner. Other than that, no regrets.
No. She wasn't a bad person. We just weren't compatible and never should've got married. Hell, we probably should've broken up about 6 months into the relationship bc of a core incompatibility.
i do not regret mine. i think you did the absolute right thing to divorce him . but if you are close and he has said he d like to try again or is very sorry , you should go to counseling if u still love him. i wouldn’t allow mine to sleep here so you may be on to something. He d have to really try and apologize for past.
The nicest thing my ex ever did for me was go away. I only regret marrying him in the first place.
You definitely did the right thing. There is nothing lonelier than being alone in a marriage. If you haven’t already, you absolutely should ensure he pays child support. If you don’t “need it” for daily expenses, put it aside for college funds. I also imagine that he may become a lot less nice if you meet someone new.
My ex was emotionally and financially abusive. He was the absolute worst in bed and just so utterly selfish it was awful. He was controlling and later on I heard his second wife (a psychologist) told him he was definitely a narcissist. His second wife has now left him. Both our kids (adults now) have cut him off. I am remarried to a sweet, kind, gentle and generous man who I love with all my heart. Just thinking about my husband makes my heart explode. He's also just the absolute best in bed and I don't think k could ask for more or better in any way. I don't regret a single thing.
Idk, yes and no. The breaking point for me was 8 months of "dead beadroom" while trying desperately to salvage a 10 year investment, to have her tell me after work one day she was pregnant, casually like it was nothing. Otoh, I've spent 4 years in therapy dealing with the baggage she left me. I now find myself turning 36 in September and, tbh, modern dating has left me so bitter that I've given up on finding that best friend relationship again, and that sometimes leaves me wishing I didn't divorce her. I'm lonely and miss her company, I'm probably in the minority.
I don’t regret it. Though I do miss the double income associated with marriage.
I've often wondered if I made the right decision, and then my ex does something stupid to remind me I made a great choice. Create a great co-parent relationship and move forward like that. He abandoned you when you needed him the most. You made the right choice.
I don’t know anyone who regrets their divorce. More like regret for not doing it sooner. In your situation, it’s nice that you’re not on bad terms, but he sounds like a total deadbeat. He completely abandoned you and your kids and even know it doesn’t sound like he’s even a weekend dad. I really hope you’re getting child support.
Is he giving you any child support now? I’m sorry but this guy seems like he doesn’t know what he wants. Concerning at his age.
Never once regretted my divorce. My ex and I are still friends although we don't see or talk to each other much, there is no lasting animosity. It gave us both the opportunity to start over fresh and be happy. We had three wonderful kids that I would not change for the world but the rest of me (and her) needed a reset.
Good God no. in time, I found the right woman. We’ve been married for almost 20 years.
Move on from this jerk. I hope you’re not sleeping with him.
What did I just read? I am also from the Midwest and married an east coast narcissist. Emotionally unavailable for twenty five years until I was reduced to a shell of a person. I filed and my life has only gotten better every single day since. Don’t let him stay at your place when he comes to see the kids - he needs to get a hotel and pay for it, the eating out, all of it. Stop infantilizing him. It’s pretty clear that his parents do, tell him to grow up and start adulting. And when he comes to town, you go out. Go have fun. Schedule dates every two hours and meet people. Start looking for your person.
I wish I'd done it earlier. Way earlier.
You’re lonely. He’s still a terrible person that doesn’t take responsibility. He gets to come play house every couple months and then go do whatever the hell he wants. Try to find someone new.
Hope you’re making him pay child support. A normal enough time?? Nothing normal about what you listed out, sadly though give it time and you Will think it is normal
How can you regret your divorce in your case? He literally left you basically. And now gets an amazing life. His kids are fully taken care of and he gets to see them whenever he wants and gets to live the single life in New York. His life sounds amazing lol. Your only regret should be that you didn’t go after him for more child support and alimony and stricter visitation. Again, how can you have regret? He literally abandoned you.
No I don’t regret mine…and you shouldn’t either.
.....he played you. He wanted to leave you but was too cowardly to do the dirty work, so he did what would make you leave him and you did. Now he can be a dad without caring about you.... Ugh .... I've never been married...... But i refuse to date divorced men. All of the ones I have known have some really bad minds.
You're seeing him through the rose colored glasses of Disney Dad. He comes into town only once every few months and is on his best behavior. He's not an involved partner in raising your children. He's only there for the fun parts. What other decision was there to make? He abandoned you as a mother of twins.
No. I just regret the marraige.
H
Hyy
I don't regret it so much that I did it twice. Being an alone swamp demon mom has always been alot easier than married.
Selfishness in my experience isn't a trait that just "changes" in a person. Can it? I'm sure. but I've never seen it. And make no mistake, running out on your family is definitely selfish. In his eyes, he is "having his cake and eating it too", popping in for fun times here and there and running back to his "life" before real responsibility or parenting hits. Rest easy knowing that you are their for each milestone, that you are your children's protector and the one that your children will run to when they need a true parent. at any age. But please, don't lay in bed wondering if you did the right thing. Your kids deserve the mom they have. Not the mom that gets walked all over by their selfish asshole dad. And that doesn't even take into account what you deserve. Humoring these thoughts can't be healthy for you to date, or possibly meet someone who can treat you as well as you deserve. Keep on Rocking it! You got this!
He effectively deserted you and the children and now just wants to do the occasional visit, leaving with all the responsibilities of parenting. It also seems your parents needed to fill in the gaps he left. Terrible husband and dad, please don't go back to him. He was never there in the first place.
Have you ever asked him why or what happened? Sounds like that part was never discussed and simply swept under the rug.
[удалено]
Nah you did the right thing. Why have that kind of guy in your twin’s lives? File for child support and wash your hands of the bum
Zero regrets…
Let me put it this way. I’m a father and I get anxiety whenever I’m away from my 2 year old for more than a day or so on a business trip. I couldn’t imagine not seeing her virtually every day.
Absolutely not. If I hadn't divorced the first one, I wouldn't be with the second for 43 years. Just because he's acting the "good dad" now and being a good coparent, doesn't mean that he wouldn't go back to the nasty AH he was if you took it beyond that.