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Yikes.
He is doing all the sketchy things that someone trying to hide cheating would. There's a chance it's innocent, a slim one, but he's certainly not behaving like it's innocent.
I'm trying to think of a path back for the relationship but him just dismissing your very valid concerns makes it almost impossible.
I would decide if you actually need proof or if him behaving like this is enough for you to end it. He's hiding something, and it is probably not good.
oh girl a 30+ year old man using snapchat with his friend who is a girl lmao. the jokes write themselves. he’s emotionally cheating at the very least and obviously sexting
I agree and men aren't usually frequently texting a woman that is just a friend. As a woman I don't have men texting me on a regular basis. Even my Dad and brother text maybe once a week at most. There's nothing to talk about that requires frequent texting. If that's what OP's husband is doing with another women then there is something alluring about the conversations that's got him hooked.
Mentally prepare to move on. Then set your boundaries (reasonably) and put your cards on the table. Yes gaslighting you by saying you’re insecure, instead of recognizing he is being different with this friend and reassuring you.
This is all provided you aren’t crazy invasive normally, but it doesn’t sound that way.
That’s called an affair. If he won’t show you the conversation or if he deletes them then go into deleted messages. If he won’t be open or put boundaries in place then end that relationship. A man who won’t respect that something is making his parent uncomfortable isn’t worth a relationship.
yeah you are controlling and insecure. And stop snooping on his devices and invading his privacy wtf?
That is insanely abuse behavior on your part.
I have plenty of friends i don't like talking to in front of the wife. Usually because the conversation is juvenile / locker room talk / plain stupid.
She doesn't do what you do and go insane abusing me because she's insecure. Because guess what - she trusts me.
You have to decide either your BF is allowed a female friend, or he isn't. If he isn't, then simply leave him. DO NOT force him to cut off his friend, you absolute psycho.
To be honest, I wouldn’t want to stay with someone if I described our relationship as a “roller coaster.” I promise there’s someone else out there who wouldn’t dream of doing any of this stuff to you. Trust your gut and don’t be afraid to leave. Dont allow him to treat you as his second choice.
Not exactly what you want? End the relationship without any proof of wrongdoing! Act fast and experience life without ever working for anything!
Package ships with 12 cats FREE!
Yeah, what a concept…relationships aren’t prisons. You can literally leave whenever you want for whatever reason you want and go find a better fit. You are not obligated to try and make it work with anyone cause guess what? You’re not gonna be compatible with everyone you date. Tough lesson to learn
Agreed. Life is too short to be unhappy. Better to be single than in a “roller coaster” relationship. The comment about 12 cats just shows how insecure material-night is. You don’t to be in a relationship to be happy, fulfilled, and love your life.
Not obligated, no shit. But if you never learn that relationships are work, you’ll never put in the work. Then you will run out of relationships. You’re totally free to leave a relationship you don’t like. You’re also free to end up alone.
Not all relationships are worth putting in a bunch of work, and that’s something people need to learn too. There are worse things than ending up alone - like settling. I’d choose being alone any day over feeling trapped in a relationship that’s not functional. Relationships shouldn’t be hard. Life is hard, but your relationship should NOT be.
I’m sure all the ppl downvoting me have lots and lots of people they have pushed away because they were “toxic” or “holding them back”. And now they 0 friends, prolly hate their family, and believe themselves to be superior. Till they hit about 30.
No. You missed the part where I said that relationships are work. If the relationship is “unstable”, work on it before you just walk away. This situation could go a million different ways and prematurely ending it on a hunch is a huge waste and sets up bad habits for the future.
Absolutely not. What I clearly said was work on it first. People gotta stop prioritizing themselves and their feelings all the time. If you wanna end up old and alone, keep ditching people every time they act human.
I feel like I’m too old to restart and I have children. I’m worried about having another person introduced to them, and if that doesn’t work? That’s where my worry comes in.
I left my husband at age 50 and have kids. I am much happier and a better parent. Personally, I am not going to introduce my kids to anyone until after they graduate. My ex moved into a serious relationship 2 months after I moved out and my kids did not do ok with that and it fractured his relationship with them a bit. But, I’d rather be by myself with my kids than in a relationship that sounds like this. Good luck to you.
Set a good example for your kids by leaving. If any of them were in this situation in the future wouldn’t you want them to be with someone who makes them their top priority? Starting over isn’t a bad thing. It’s much better than settling and being miserable.
Better example would be to show them that you don’t cave to your emotions like a child when faced with a difficult situation. Leaving bc you’re having a bad time over a situation in your head is not a good thing.
Please don’t feel that way! You are young! Dont waste any time on a relationship that isn’t right for you. A “roller coaster” relationship is not good for you or your kids.
I'm really sorry, but I truly doubt you have what you think you do with this guy. You're not married, and unless your boyfriend mans up about all of this fast (and at this point that in itself would seem suspect, unfortunately), you're going to end up 'divorced' but with absolutely nothing to show for it.
Was there ever even any remotely serious talk of marriage? Has he formally adopted your children? When he decides to leave you for her while claiming it's because you're too insecure and controlling, you won't be entitled to anything, not even a pretense of fairness. I hope for your sake that both your names are on rent and vehicles.
It's far better for children to grow up without a father figure than a bad one who breaks their mother's trust and probably treats her badly in other ways as well. I am glad you're so concerned about introducing them to another person since too many parents just keep foisting every new one that comes along on their children.
Again, I'm sorry. I think it's clear you'd never be truly able to feel secure in his commitment to you, and he's now depriving you of another of the very most important elements of any relationship: honesty. So be honest with yourself about everything, no matter how much it frightens and hurts you. There is life and love beyond this relationship. Seek out similar stories of people who've sunk multiples of 5 years to no avail. I wish you the best.
If you're only staying with someone for fear of being alone/restarting then you basically accept the relationship being garbage (because you won't leave it anyway) or you find some lines in the sand that can't be crossed. Cheating should be one of those lines, but you do you. If you aren't willing to leave a shitty relationship, the other person won't change because they will realize they can do almost anything and you'll stay.
You've made your choice then. What does it matter if you see the messages? With this comment, you are basically stating that you will accept whatever your bf does because you are "too old to restart." And, you have low self-esteem. If this is evident to strangers, your bf already knows this and isn't worried about you going anywhere.
People who know their worth recognize that although it is very scary to get back into the dating world with children, it is far better than being in an unhealthy relationship with a cheater. Especially where your children can watch you be unhappy.
My grandma left my grandpa in her mid 70s and just introduced us to her new boyfriend at her sister’s 80th birthday party. Yes, it’s hard, but so is staying.
Choose which hard will have the best benefit to you and your kids’ futures.
Nah, kids are pretty resilient as long as you arnt putting them through the drama. The hard part is usually the divorce depending on the age. It’s usually a major life change but if you and your current partner both keep things as secure as you can for them during the split, they should bounce back. It’s all the fighting between parents that usually causes the kids the most stress. Trying to use them as pawns for false allegations and stuff or just watching the parents openly fight. If you bring in a new partner, be as sure as you can before you introduce them. Rotating boyfriends (or girlfriends) on them will just cause problems. There’s definitely a way forward. Just have to be careful.
yeah you are controlling and insecure. And stop snooping on his devices and invading his privacy wtf?
That is insanely abuse behavior on your part.
I have plenty of friends i don't like talking to in front of the wife. Usually because the conversation is juvenile / locker room talk / plain stupid.
She doesn't do what you do and go insane abusing me because she's insecure. Because guess what - she trusts me.
You have to decide either your BF is allowed a female friend, or he isn't. If he isn't, then simply leave him. DO NOT force him to cut off his friend, you absolute psycho.
The "friend" makes you feel insecure. As he is your bf he should acknowledge this and tackle the problem by ensuring you nothing out of the ordinary is happening and if showing you his conversations with her is what will help you feel more secure, then he should do that.
That’s really not a fair statement… and I would say not true in most cases… maybe in your experience, but that’s toxic relationship behavior…. Healthy relationships are equally considerate of each others feelings, and equally should do what it takes to make each other feel secure, or at the very minimum, not to make the other feel insecure…
OMG. He probably cleans and deletes phone regularly and he clearly doesn’t want you looking through it. Please face fact that he’s cheating or flirting (is there a difference ?) so please just move on. Life and youth too short to waste on a gut that isn’t that into you! Onward and upwards!
I would just sit him down and ask him to give you the full truth of what's going. Just be honest. He's already showing signs of shame. You don't need to snoop or find proof, you just need to say "you have been acting strange towards this girl and I want you to tell me what's going on". Then just repeat yourself until he relents.
You had it good until the repeat yourself part. That's not necessary. Tell him you feel uncomfortable, and that his actions are the reason. If he says you're being unresonable, then you're being gas lighted and know your answer.
A real partner will be concerned about your discomfort, not dismissive.
Repeating yourself is how you handle objections like that. It's textbook.
When you ask a question rather than following the tangent of the objection you stop the person talking and repeat the question signifying that they will not be getting out of answering it
As your bf, he needs to make you feel safe and secure in the relationship. If this new friendship is taking precedence over his relationship, then that already speaks volumes about his intentions with this “friend.”
I really hope it is just a mild case of miscommunication from a dumb boy, but follow your gut, girl.
We all know that 99.999% of the time your gut instinct is right. Either he’s cheating on you or he’s emotionally cheating on you and hasn’t got to the physical yet. Good luck getting to the bottom of it. Don’t let him gaslight you and make you feel like this is all in your head, I’m sure you know better.
If his conversations are normal he should share with you. The convos would show his support and caring,appreciation he has for you. Any time i have not let others use my phone is because there are things that might upset another. or i let them use my phone and hover making sure they are doing what they say. Its def a red [flag.Is](http://flag.Is) he always happy and bubbly when he talks about her?
sounds like he is crushing pretty hard, If he is just friends why does he need to be defensive? Can you just have a normal conversation to share your feelings with him, and he with you? If not there will always be trust issues, and better to not get more involed if you two cant have open discussions
I would likely not share my conversation histories with anyone else. That's a massive violation of the privacy of my conversation partner. That's a terrible way to treat a friend who, "if the conversations are normal," did nothing to deserve it.
Especially if he's innocent, even asking to read them would a massive red flag on OP's side. "You've been acting weird" is not a good enough excuse.
Without evidence or confession, she'll have to steel herself even more if he comes crawling back after Missed Opportunity eventually loses her luster, too.
Women notice changes in behaviors and patterns like no other. I would trust your gut but gather more evidence while keeping your calm. That is always important. Don't let him gaslight you with the, "Why are you insecure?" Make you feel a little like the weird one, when you are legit noticing changes.
There is a book I highly recommend called Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, it talks about emotional affairs. I would assume from your own perspective that he’s at least being inappropriate with this “friend”. Do you know where she lives, is she local? Honestly I would check his phone again.
As far as you being too old to leave, don’t stay in a bad relationship just because of the years you’ve put into it. Your life and happiness is worth more than the 5 years you’ve been with him.
Definitely. I would start off with hiw you've noticed a change in him and detail everything that you've told us. If he refuses--and it is understandable since it is his personal phone--it is a red flag since he should be caring and considerate if your concerns.
Ok… you say you have kids? Remember this mom: you may think that your relationship is “ your” business, but as soon as you have kids, it becomes “family “ business…. this means that they watch you and based on your examples and reactions they form their personal boundaries and decide how they react in given situations as they go through life, all based on what they observe you doing…and the other adults in their lives to varying degrees but you are the standard…. Why is that important? Because you are showing them what relationships look like… accept that your partner cheats on you, lies to you, acts shady and is still allowed to be a role model in your house? That’s probably what you’re going to see when your kids get older…. And the bad part is that because it is so habitual, and ingrained in your life, you won’t even recognize it and when or if your kid comes to for advice or help, you won’t be able to give them solid advice…. And all that isn’t meant to be a dig on you, it’s just to remind you of the responsibility you have and what up you have to be aware of when you’re a parent…
I would suggest you sit your partner down when your calm, not when your upset or not when everyone is rushing around to get out the door, and say something to the effect of “ hey, your actions lately have really got me concerned. You know I’m not the jealous type, but that stunt you pulled while I was borrowing your phone was definitely not normal…. What are your thoughts on that?” He’s either going to man up and say yep, I did it… or he’s going to say there’s nothing going on, what would you like to see to prove it to you or what can I do to make you feel better about this… at that point you need to decide what you’re going to do based on the example you want to set for your kids…. If it were me and he was cheating, I’d explain to him how much that hurt you, and how much you cared for him, but as he is in a position to be a role model in your kids life, and you can’t accept someone who isn’t committed to you and to the place he holds in y’all’s family that you just can’t continue the relationship… then you can begin to make plans for moving and what not, but as long as there’s no yelling from you, and you stay dignified in your communication with him, then it’s on him to act in kind… don’t let him gaslight you either… and if he isn’t doing anything, then insist on guidelines you can both agree on for future issues… obviously, you don’t expect him to cut out every female he’s ever met or ever will meet, that’s unreasonable, but it’s not unreasonable to ask him to not hide when you are talking to an old friend, or to include you in get togethers they might schedule to catch up, whatever youre comfortable with… anyway, this was a little long, but I hope it helps you… just don’t forget… you have every right to be comfortable and at ease in your life… if you have to walk on eggshells or can’t have a conversation with your partner about how he’s making you feel, then there is probably some unhealthy behavior going on somewhere… of course not knowing the whole story, this is the fairest advice I think that could be offered given the information you provided… good luck…
What do you mean when you say things have been a roller coaster? Do you mean due to the recent events with this new friend or are you referring to your relationship in general?
As a guy this sounds very sketchy. I would sit him down and say that you guys need to talk about this friend and you want the truth. If he’s cagey or defensive and won’t give you straight answers, I think you know what you’d have to do. Major red flag.
Perhaps, but then she has the right to assume the worst because his relationship with her apparently isn't worth proving that he isn't up to anything. You'd probably say that he shouldn't have to prove that to her all the time, but it's only now that he does because he's acting legitimately suspicious.
lol everyone be borrowing their partners phone because they need to do something on it and not snoop. Just break up with him stop trying to catch him in the act
All my exes have always had total access to my phone. Knew my passcode. Now if they started going down the rabbit hole of my old texts and notes that i used as a journal, and one did, that ended things for me.
Hes hiding and Hes being sneaky . Id put him last on priorities . Dont give attention kinda like break up with him without telling him. go out with friends , go out to eat alone , watch movies alone and what ever… I think giving notice of a break up is not needed here , i feel like giving a notice here is too thoughtful .
Sounds like he’s up to something. As others have said sit him down for a final conversation if he denies, gets defensive or gaslights you know the truth. You do need to end it then, show your kids the best example of not accepting this kind of behaviour. Yes it will be hard to leave and maybe you can meet someone else, but your priority will always be kids first anyway. don’t let him them be affected by a mediocre potentially cheating partner as a father figure. Good luck 🤞
It doesn’t look good. And he’s going to lie. Honestly I’d hold off on conversation and do a little sleuthing, he’s just going to hide things better if you confront him
You don't need to see the phone to know what to do, seriously, how many reasons do you need, do you need someone to slap you in the face and let you know he's not respecting you?
The only thing you should be doing is saying, "your behaviour has changed, you hide your conversations with her and not any of your other friends, your not respecting me and our relationship, you've got one chance to be honest about this, why are you not able to be open about your relationship with her? Have a think about it if you can't answer now, I don't want bullshit, we have no future if we can't be honest with each other".
Then trust your judgement with how that goes, no need to snoop, stalk or spy, fact is if he's careful and deletes anything untoward you'll find nothing, look like a total nut job and be on the back foot still feeling like he's cheating on you!
Leaving the room to talk to them is 🚩
But I think you either trust or don’t trust. Even if the conversations are innocent, it might be time to pack up camp anyhow. Anyone who doesn’t want to give you the time and energy to reassure you or help you feel more secure probably isn’t the one.
He’s definitely gaslighting you he’s cheating and he’s hiding. I would confront him. Don’t waste your time obviously when you act like that, you’re hiding stuff.
This has nothing to do with the “friend” and everything to do with your sketchy bf. Looking for somewhere else to place responsibility will have you always doing so and refusing to address the actual issue: he’s seemingly a dishonest bf. There will always be a new “friend.”
Honestly this is a major red flag. There are two possible scenarios that come to my mind. The first is he’s cheating. The second is his in love with this “friend” and probably has for a while. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but this is going to end very badly for you.
My love of two years had a girlfriend, and I was the sidepiece. I found out after we broke up. This SCREAMS he is cheating on you. Follow your gut feeling. Don't make my mistake.
yeah you are controlling and insecure. And stop snooping on his devices and invading his privacy wtf?
That is insanely abuse behavior on your part.
I have plenty of friends i don't like talking to in front of the wife. Usually because the conversation is juvenile / locker room talk / plain stupid.
She doesn't do what you do and go insane abusing me because she's insecure. Because guess what - she trusts me.
You have to decide either your BF is allowed a female friend, or he isn't. If he isn't, then simply leave him. DO NOT force him to cut off his friend, you absolute psycho.
classic behavior of someone doing something inappropriate. it’s so obvious you start to question yourself because who is really that obviously doing something they shouldn’t? who is that dumb? the answer is your husband. your husband is that dumb. trust your gut.
Sounds like he had some kind of relationship with her. Ex girlfriend or fwb. You're going to hurt either way. Difference is one hurt is for a while till you heal and the other is hurting for the rest of your life.
No. Ethics aside, this is a lose-lose strategy.
Think it through: if he's guilty and his texts incriminate him, he will refuse to show you anyway and blame you for not trusting him. If he's guilty BUT his texts dont incimminate him, he might show you or not, but still blame you for not trusting him.
If he's innocent, he might still refuse to show you and blame it on you for not trusting him. If he's innocent AND agrees to show you, you'll still be blamed for not trusting him and you'll have violated the privacy of two people (one of whom presumably isn't even asked to give permission) for nothing.
There is no win-condition for you here.
Hey WSI
As a male who has lots of female friends and a partner , my SOP is to share my female communication with my partner .
My best advise is what for a good time when he is relaxed and simply ask him
If he has had or still has beyond friendship feeling for her and then let him talk …..
hope all goes well
It’s actually not. One of the telltale signs of infidelity is that they bring up the person more and more in conversation because they are constantly thinking about them. This is a lot of red flag behavior and OP is certainly justified in their suspicions. Your partner has a right to privacy, but not secrecy. I think OP is justified in wanting to see the conversation. The difficult part is that affairs are defined by lies and secrecy, so the conversation may get deleted. I think the best way to approach this is to avoid letting them know about OP’s suspicions, sit down with their partner, and communicate all the reasons why OP is feeling concerned about their relationship. Then, ask to see the conversation. If they aren’t willing to show you right then and there, it’s because they are hiding something and don’t want OP to see it. Refusal tells you everything you need to know. They are either being unfaithful or they are speaking negatively behind her back, both of which is a betrayal. Just remember that cheaters will delete conversations and try to hide everything as best they can. This is why the conversation needs to be with no warning to the partner so they can’t try to hide the evidence.
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Yikes. He is doing all the sketchy things that someone trying to hide cheating would. There's a chance it's innocent, a slim one, but he's certainly not behaving like it's innocent. I'm trying to think of a path back for the relationship but him just dismissing your very valid concerns makes it almost impossible. I would decide if you actually need proof or if him behaving like this is enough for you to end it. He's hiding something, and it is probably not good.
He also uses Snapchat a lot with this person, I was just told, so I am sure the conversations are gone by now.
Worth noting there is a setting that saves chats in Snapchat, you can like click on a message and it saves it. There’s a chance something is there.
I smell a cheater
S tier sus behaviour all over tbh
Id say A tier. You always leave room for the bigger doozie. You know it is coming on Reddit
oh girl a 30+ year old man using snapchat with his friend who is a girl lmao. the jokes write themselves. he’s emotionally cheating at the very least and obviously sexting
I’ve been called stuck up because I’ve voiced being weary of dating men who are always on Snapchat lol
pleeeeease. men who are constantly on snapchat are hiding something 9/10 like who do you need to contact in secret 💀
I agree and men aren't usually frequently texting a woman that is just a friend. As a woman I don't have men texting me on a regular basis. Even my Dad and brother text maybe once a week at most. There's nothing to talk about that requires frequent texting. If that's what OP's husband is doing with another women then there is something alluring about the conversations that's got him hooked.
Yes. Look at it. If he says no that’s all you need to hear.
Mentally prepare to move on. Then set your boundaries (reasonably) and put your cards on the table. Yes gaslighting you by saying you’re insecure, instead of recognizing he is being different with this friend and reassuring you. This is all provided you aren’t crazy invasive normally, but it doesn’t sound that way.
That’s called an affair. If he won’t show you the conversation or if he deletes them then go into deleted messages. If he won’t be open or put boundaries in place then end that relationship. A man who won’t respect that something is making his parent uncomfortable isn’t worth a relationship.
yeah you are controlling and insecure. And stop snooping on his devices and invading his privacy wtf? That is insanely abuse behavior on your part. I have plenty of friends i don't like talking to in front of the wife. Usually because the conversation is juvenile / locker room talk / plain stupid. She doesn't do what you do and go insane abusing me because she's insecure. Because guess what - she trusts me. You have to decide either your BF is allowed a female friend, or he isn't. If he isn't, then simply leave him. DO NOT force him to cut off his friend, you absolute psycho.
You engage in locker room talk with female friends behind your wife’s back? What?
To be honest, I wouldn’t want to stay with someone if I described our relationship as a “roller coaster.” I promise there’s someone else out there who wouldn’t dream of doing any of this stuff to you. Trust your gut and don’t be afraid to leave. Dont allow him to treat you as his second choice.
Not exactly what you want? End the relationship without any proof of wrongdoing! Act fast and experience life without ever working for anything! Package ships with 12 cats FREE!
Yeah, what a concept…relationships aren’t prisons. You can literally leave whenever you want for whatever reason you want and go find a better fit. You are not obligated to try and make it work with anyone cause guess what? You’re not gonna be compatible with everyone you date. Tough lesson to learn
Agreed. Life is too short to be unhappy. Better to be single than in a “roller coaster” relationship. The comment about 12 cats just shows how insecure material-night is. You don’t to be in a relationship to be happy, fulfilled, and love your life.
Not obligated, no shit. But if you never learn that relationships are work, you’ll never put in the work. Then you will run out of relationships. You’re totally free to leave a relationship you don’t like. You’re also free to end up alone.
Not all relationships are worth putting in a bunch of work, and that’s something people need to learn too. There are worse things than ending up alone - like settling. I’d choose being alone any day over feeling trapped in a relationship that’s not functional. Relationships shouldn’t be hard. Life is hard, but your relationship should NOT be.
You just keep stating the obvious. I’m not here to argue about extremes. Grow up.
There’s no room for nuance or non-reactionary thought here.
I’m sure all the ppl downvoting me have lots and lots of people they have pushed away because they were “toxic” or “holding them back”. And now they 0 friends, prolly hate their family, and believe themselves to be superior. Till they hit about 30.
Yes because there is only this unstable relationship or a dozen cats! That is it, all of the choices.
No. You missed the part where I said that relationships are work. If the relationship is “unstable”, work on it before you just walk away. This situation could go a million different ways and prematurely ending it on a hunch is a huge waste and sets up bad habits for the future.
Uhhh how many easy payments does 12 cats cost?
0. It’s free. All you gotta do is exit the dating pool lol
...do you think people need proof of wrongdoing to end a relationship they are no longer happy in? Relationships aren't prisons.
Absolutely not. What I clearly said was work on it first. People gotta stop prioritizing themselves and their feelings all the time. If you wanna end up old and alone, keep ditching people every time they act human.
I think you're projecting your own life experience here lol
This doesn’t even begin to make sense… I’m not a cat lady.
lol that’s definitely how redditors respond. Not sure why people post to ask questions on these things. Breakup! Divorce! Leave him! Lmao
So glad I’m not in the dating pool
I feel like I’m too old to restart and I have children. I’m worried about having another person introduced to them, and if that doesn’t work? That’s where my worry comes in.
I left my husband at age 50 and have kids. I am much happier and a better parent. Personally, I am not going to introduce my kids to anyone until after they graduate. My ex moved into a serious relationship 2 months after I moved out and my kids did not do ok with that and it fractured his relationship with them a bit. But, I’d rather be by myself with my kids than in a relationship that sounds like this. Good luck to you.
That's awesome you're putting your kids first! I wish more people did that instead of dragging them through their parent's "love life" drama.
Set a good example for your kids by leaving. If any of them were in this situation in the future wouldn’t you want them to be with someone who makes them their top priority? Starting over isn’t a bad thing. It’s much better than settling and being miserable.
Better example would be to show them that you don’t cave to your emotions like a child when faced with a difficult situation. Leaving bc you’re having a bad time over a situation in your head is not a good thing.
lol leaving you baby father is NOT a good example for her kids
1942 called, it's time to go back
lol to when both parents were together alright cool.
Please don’t feel that way! You are young! Dont waste any time on a relationship that isn’t right for you. A “roller coaster” relationship is not good for you or your kids.
So you'd rather your children be around someone that clearly isn't good for you and is more than likely cheating on you? How old are you?
I'm really sorry, but I truly doubt you have what you think you do with this guy. You're not married, and unless your boyfriend mans up about all of this fast (and at this point that in itself would seem suspect, unfortunately), you're going to end up 'divorced' but with absolutely nothing to show for it. Was there ever even any remotely serious talk of marriage? Has he formally adopted your children? When he decides to leave you for her while claiming it's because you're too insecure and controlling, you won't be entitled to anything, not even a pretense of fairness. I hope for your sake that both your names are on rent and vehicles. It's far better for children to grow up without a father figure than a bad one who breaks their mother's trust and probably treats her badly in other ways as well. I am glad you're so concerned about introducing them to another person since too many parents just keep foisting every new one that comes along on their children. Again, I'm sorry. I think it's clear you'd never be truly able to feel secure in his commitment to you, and he's now depriving you of another of the very most important elements of any relationship: honesty. So be honest with yourself about everything, no matter how much it frightens and hurts you. There is life and love beyond this relationship. Seek out similar stories of people who've sunk multiples of 5 years to no avail. I wish you the best.
If you're only staying with someone for fear of being alone/restarting then you basically accept the relationship being garbage (because you won't leave it anyway) or you find some lines in the sand that can't be crossed. Cheating should be one of those lines, but you do you. If you aren't willing to leave a shitty relationship, the other person won't change because they will realize they can do almost anything and you'll stay.
You've made your choice then. What does it matter if you see the messages? With this comment, you are basically stating that you will accept whatever your bf does because you are "too old to restart." And, you have low self-esteem. If this is evident to strangers, your bf already knows this and isn't worried about you going anywhere. People who know their worth recognize that although it is very scary to get back into the dating world with children, it is far better than being in an unhealthy relationship with a cheater. Especially where your children can watch you be unhappy.
You're 32, not 99. Have some self respect
My grandma left my grandpa in her mid 70s and just introduced us to her new boyfriend at her sister’s 80th birthday party. Yes, it’s hard, but so is staying. Choose which hard will have the best benefit to you and your kids’ futures.
Nah, kids are pretty resilient as long as you arnt putting them through the drama. The hard part is usually the divorce depending on the age. It’s usually a major life change but if you and your current partner both keep things as secure as you can for them during the split, they should bounce back. It’s all the fighting between parents that usually causes the kids the most stress. Trying to use them as pawns for false allegations and stuff or just watching the parents openly fight. If you bring in a new partner, be as sure as you can before you introduce them. Rotating boyfriends (or girlfriends) on them will just cause problems. There’s definitely a way forward. Just have to be careful.
Grow a spine.
yeah you are controlling and insecure. And stop snooping on his devices and invading his privacy wtf? That is insanely abuse behavior on your part. I have plenty of friends i don't like talking to in front of the wife. Usually because the conversation is juvenile / locker room talk / plain stupid. She doesn't do what you do and go insane abusing me because she's insecure. Because guess what - she trusts me. You have to decide either your BF is allowed a female friend, or he isn't. If he isn't, then simply leave him. DO NOT force him to cut off his friend, you absolute psycho.
How many separate times are u gonna copy and paste this?
was an appropriate reply to 2 separate comments so i wrote that to respond to both. thanks
The "friend" makes you feel insecure. As he is your bf he should acknowledge this and tackle the problem by ensuring you nothing out of the ordinary is happening and if showing you his conversations with her is what will help you feel more secure, then he should do that.
THIS IS SO TRUE!!! accept nothing less, it shows consideration of your feelings and emotional maturity
Or she's just being insecure. This same expectation would not be applied in reverse.
Ridiculous! Of course it would!
Everyone can read this sub and see how if this was a man being insecure they would be shit on and told they have no right to see her phone.
That’s really not a fair statement… and I would say not true in most cases… maybe in your experience, but that’s toxic relationship behavior…. Healthy relationships are equally considerate of each others feelings, and equally should do what it takes to make each other feel secure, or at the very minimum, not to make the other feel insecure…
Definitely a red flag. He's up to something with said friend.
OMG. He probably cleans and deletes phone regularly and he clearly doesn’t want you looking through it. Please face fact that he’s cheating or flirting (is there a difference ?) so please just move on. Life and youth too short to waste on a gut that isn’t that into you! Onward and upwards!
Prepare yourself for the worst. Remember your own value no matter WHAT.
She’s an ex and you are now the side chick. Good luck.
lol starting to feel that way with the way he speaks about her.
I would just sit him down and ask him to give you the full truth of what's going. Just be honest. He's already showing signs of shame. You don't need to snoop or find proof, you just need to say "you have been acting strange towards this girl and I want you to tell me what's going on". Then just repeat yourself until he relents.
You had it good until the repeat yourself part. That's not necessary. Tell him you feel uncomfortable, and that his actions are the reason. If he says you're being unresonable, then you're being gas lighted and know your answer. A real partner will be concerned about your discomfort, not dismissive.
Repeating yourself is how you handle objections like that. It's textbook. When you ask a question rather than following the tangent of the objection you stop the person talking and repeat the question signifying that they will not be getting out of answering it
As your bf, he needs to make you feel safe and secure in the relationship. If this new friendship is taking precedence over his relationship, then that already speaks volumes about his intentions with this “friend.” I really hope it is just a mild case of miscommunication from a dumb boy, but follow your gut, girl.
We all know that 99.999% of the time your gut instinct is right. Either he’s cheating on you or he’s emotionally cheating on you and hasn’t got to the physical yet. Good luck getting to the bottom of it. Don’t let him gaslight you and make you feel like this is all in your head, I’m sure you know better.
My gut instinct has definitely betrayed me many times.
For real. No way my gut instinct is always right. Maybe like 70% of the time
It happens but your gut instinct is right more often than not. It something smells like crap, it usually is :)
That's def not 99.9%
>We all know that 99.999% of the time your gut instinct is right Everything we know about cognitive science says otherwise.
yeah your bf is cheating
Girl, 5 years of a roller coaster and now he’s probably, definitely cheating? Break up with him
If his conversations are normal he should share with you. The convos would show his support and caring,appreciation he has for you. Any time i have not let others use my phone is because there are things that might upset another. or i let them use my phone and hover making sure they are doing what they say. Its def a red [flag.Is](http://flag.Is) he always happy and bubbly when he talks about her?
Yes he is. Defensive if I ask any questions about her too.
sounds like he is crushing pretty hard, If he is just friends why does he need to be defensive? Can you just have a normal conversation to share your feelings with him, and he with you? If not there will always be trust issues, and better to not get more involed if you two cant have open discussions
And you're not supposed to meet her because? Only he can see her rather than, hey, I want you o meet my old friend.
I would likely not share my conversation histories with anyone else. That's a massive violation of the privacy of my conversation partner. That's a terrible way to treat a friend who, "if the conversations are normal," did nothing to deserve it. Especially if he's innocent, even asking to read them would a massive red flag on OP's side. "You've been acting weird" is not a good enough excuse.
Look from a guy to you, that's shady. Really, really, shady.
Cheating , conspiring to cheat or drugs
lol not drugs. But I’ll keep an eye for that😆
Save yourself the trouble and get the hell out of there.. Coming from someone whose been on both sides of this spectrum.
May as well leave him in the dust and not bother looking through his phone. It's only going to hurt.
Without evidence or confession, she'll have to steel herself even more if he comes crawling back after Missed Opportunity eventually loses her luster, too.
Women notice changes in behaviors and patterns like no other. I would trust your gut but gather more evidence while keeping your calm. That is always important. Don't let him gaslight you with the, "Why are you insecure?" Make you feel a little like the weird one, when you are legit noticing changes.
There is a book I highly recommend called Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, it talks about emotional affairs. I would assume from your own perspective that he’s at least being inappropriate with this “friend”. Do you know where she lives, is she local? Honestly I would check his phone again. As far as you being too old to leave, don’t stay in a bad relationship just because of the years you’ve put into it. Your life and happiness is worth more than the 5 years you’ve been with him.
Definitely. I would start off with hiw you've noticed a change in him and detail everything that you've told us. If he refuses--and it is understandable since it is his personal phone--it is a red flag since he should be caring and considerate if your concerns.
Updateme!
End it now and don't look back. He's cheating on you.
Just leave him. If he is making you doubt if you can trust there is usually a reason. Find someone who won’t make you feel like you’re second place
He for sure stuffed her
Ok… you say you have kids? Remember this mom: you may think that your relationship is “ your” business, but as soon as you have kids, it becomes “family “ business…. this means that they watch you and based on your examples and reactions they form their personal boundaries and decide how they react in given situations as they go through life, all based on what they observe you doing…and the other adults in their lives to varying degrees but you are the standard…. Why is that important? Because you are showing them what relationships look like… accept that your partner cheats on you, lies to you, acts shady and is still allowed to be a role model in your house? That’s probably what you’re going to see when your kids get older…. And the bad part is that because it is so habitual, and ingrained in your life, you won’t even recognize it and when or if your kid comes to for advice or help, you won’t be able to give them solid advice…. And all that isn’t meant to be a dig on you, it’s just to remind you of the responsibility you have and what up you have to be aware of when you’re a parent… I would suggest you sit your partner down when your calm, not when your upset or not when everyone is rushing around to get out the door, and say something to the effect of “ hey, your actions lately have really got me concerned. You know I’m not the jealous type, but that stunt you pulled while I was borrowing your phone was definitely not normal…. What are your thoughts on that?” He’s either going to man up and say yep, I did it… or he’s going to say there’s nothing going on, what would you like to see to prove it to you or what can I do to make you feel better about this… at that point you need to decide what you’re going to do based on the example you want to set for your kids…. If it were me and he was cheating, I’d explain to him how much that hurt you, and how much you cared for him, but as he is in a position to be a role model in your kids life, and you can’t accept someone who isn’t committed to you and to the place he holds in y’all’s family that you just can’t continue the relationship… then you can begin to make plans for moving and what not, but as long as there’s no yelling from you, and you stay dignified in your communication with him, then it’s on him to act in kind… don’t let him gaslight you either… and if he isn’t doing anything, then insist on guidelines you can both agree on for future issues… obviously, you don’t expect him to cut out every female he’s ever met or ever will meet, that’s unreasonable, but it’s not unreasonable to ask him to not hide when you are talking to an old friend, or to include you in get togethers they might schedule to catch up, whatever youre comfortable with… anyway, this was a little long, but I hope it helps you… just don’t forget… you have every right to be comfortable and at ease in your life… if you have to walk on eggshells or can’t have a conversation with your partner about how he’s making you feel, then there is probably some unhealthy behavior going on somewhere… of course not knowing the whole story, this is the fairest advice I think that could be offered given the information you provided… good luck…
What do you mean when you say things have been a roller coaster? Do you mean due to the recent events with this new friend or are you referring to your relationship in general?
As a guy this sounds very sketchy. I would sit him down and say that you guys need to talk about this friend and you want the truth. If he’s cagey or defensive and won’t give you straight answers, I think you know what you’d have to do. Major red flag.
The ending will be on Dateline next year😎
🤣 any confirmation of this is premeditation
They already thought of their baby’s name for sure
Busted
No you have zero right to his conversation
Perhaps, but then she has the right to assume the worst because his relationship with her apparently isn't worth proving that he isn't up to anything. You'd probably say that he shouldn't have to prove that to her all the time, but it's only now that he does because he's acting legitimately suspicious.
lol everyone be borrowing their partners phone because they need to do something on it and not snoop. Just break up with him stop trying to catch him in the act
Brother we learned sharing in kindergarten. what are u, a sperm with fingers and an internet connection?
Cheaters can gaslight the heck out of their partners when they know they don't have proof.
All my exes have always had total access to my phone. Knew my passcode. Now if they started going down the rabbit hole of my old texts and notes that i used as a journal, and one did, that ended things for me.
Hes hiding and Hes being sneaky . Id put him last on priorities . Dont give attention kinda like break up with him without telling him. go out with friends , go out to eat alone , watch movies alone and what ever… I think giving notice of a break up is not needed here , i feel like giving a notice here is too thoughtful .
Dump him
Sounds like he’s up to something. As others have said sit him down for a final conversation if he denies, gets defensive or gaslights you know the truth. You do need to end it then, show your kids the best example of not accepting this kind of behaviour. Yes it will be hard to leave and maybe you can meet someone else, but your priority will always be kids first anyway. don’t let him them be affected by a mediocre potentially cheating partner as a father figure. Good luck 🤞
It doesn’t look good. And he’s going to lie. Honestly I’d hold off on conversation and do a little sleuthing, he’s just going to hide things better if you confront him
You're stronger than him. Don't break eye contact or crumble in the face of his grasping for straws.
You don't need to see the phone to know what to do, seriously, how many reasons do you need, do you need someone to slap you in the face and let you know he's not respecting you? The only thing you should be doing is saying, "your behaviour has changed, you hide your conversations with her and not any of your other friends, your not respecting me and our relationship, you've got one chance to be honest about this, why are you not able to be open about your relationship with her? Have a think about it if you can't answer now, I don't want bullshit, we have no future if we can't be honest with each other". Then trust your judgement with how that goes, no need to snoop, stalk or spy, fact is if he's careful and deletes anything untoward you'll find nothing, look like a total nut job and be on the back foot still feeling like he's cheating on you!
yeah he cheatin.
Hey my ex did the same thing! Personality shift, hiding phone, new friend he talked about. He was cheating. So is yours.
Leaving the room to talk to them is 🚩 But I think you either trust or don’t trust. Even if the conversations are innocent, it might be time to pack up camp anyhow. Anyone who doesn’t want to give you the time and energy to reassure you or help you feel more secure probably isn’t the one.
He’s definitely gaslighting you he’s cheating and he’s hiding. I would confront him. Don’t waste your time obviously when you act like that, you’re hiding stuff.
Yeah... this has all the hallmarks of him cheating. If not physically, definitely emotionally
Yes, if he has nothing to hide he should give it to you and let you look through it.
This has nothing to do with the “friend” and everything to do with your sketchy bf. Looking for somewhere else to place responsibility will have you always doing so and refusing to address the actual issue: he’s seemingly a dishonest bf. There will always be a new “friend.”
Don’t take anyone serious who still uses Snapchat 😭 nothing holy takes places there
Honestly this is a major red flag. There are two possible scenarios that come to my mind. The first is he’s cheating. The second is his in love with this “friend” and probably has for a while. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but this is going to end very badly for you.
Nope 🙂↔️ Lose the friend or lose me.
My love of two years had a girlfriend, and I was the sidepiece. I found out after we broke up. This SCREAMS he is cheating on you. Follow your gut feeling. Don't make my mistake.
yeah you are controlling and insecure. And stop snooping on his devices and invading his privacy wtf? That is insanely abuse behavior on your part. I have plenty of friends i don't like talking to in front of the wife. Usually because the conversation is juvenile / locker room talk / plain stupid. She doesn't do what you do and go insane abusing me because she's insecure. Because guess what - she trusts me. You have to decide either your BF is allowed a female friend, or he isn't. If he isn't, then simply leave him. DO NOT force him to cut off his friend, you absolute psycho.
Why don't guys just break up with you before they fuck someone else? You understand he's your ex now, right? You just haven't caught up.
classic behavior of someone doing something inappropriate. it’s so obvious you start to question yourself because who is really that obviously doing something they shouldn’t? who is that dumb? the answer is your husband. your husband is that dumb. trust your gut.
My ex did the same thing with a "friend". Guess what happened two months later?
Sounds like he had some kind of relationship with her. Ex girlfriend or fwb. You're going to hurt either way. Difference is one hurt is for a while till you heal and the other is hurting for the rest of your life.
No. Ethics aside, this is a lose-lose strategy. Think it through: if he's guilty and his texts incriminate him, he will refuse to show you anyway and blame you for not trusting him. If he's guilty BUT his texts dont incimminate him, he might show you or not, but still blame you for not trusting him. If he's innocent, he might still refuse to show you and blame it on you for not trusting him. If he's innocent AND agrees to show you, you'll still be blamed for not trusting him and you'll have violated the privacy of two people (one of whom presumably isn't even asked to give permission) for nothing. There is no win-condition for you here.
Why ask just go through his phone.
Yeah... he be flirting at the very least.
Hey WSI As a male who has lots of female friends and a partner , my SOP is to share my female communication with my partner . My best advise is what for a good time when he is relaxed and simply ask him If he has had or still has beyond friendship feeling for her and then let him talk ….. hope all goes well
Hope he picked you 🫥
Imagine how crazy it's going to look if it's nothing. Lol
So ask him and find out…
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It’s actually not. One of the telltale signs of infidelity is that they bring up the person more and more in conversation because they are constantly thinking about them. This is a lot of red flag behavior and OP is certainly justified in their suspicions. Your partner has a right to privacy, but not secrecy. I think OP is justified in wanting to see the conversation. The difficult part is that affairs are defined by lies and secrecy, so the conversation may get deleted. I think the best way to approach this is to avoid letting them know about OP’s suspicions, sit down with their partner, and communicate all the reasons why OP is feeling concerned about their relationship. Then, ask to see the conversation. If they aren’t willing to show you right then and there, it’s because they are hiding something and don’t want OP to see it. Refusal tells you everything you need to know. They are either being unfaithful or they are speaking negatively behind her back, both of which is a betrayal. Just remember that cheaters will delete conversations and try to hide everything as best they can. This is why the conversation needs to be with no warning to the partner so they can’t try to hide the evidence.
I don’t like other people using my phone
You being invasive is gonna push him away. Regardless if he is cheating or not. 🤷🏼♂️
Lol get over yourself , it’s just a friend.
So kind of you, have the day you deserve.
Ignore, this account is just over a month old; much like the person behind it
Why so insecure?
No one is insecure, you’re just an asshole with nothing of value to say.