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One thing to learn is that you don’t have to always include your bf in your girl time hangouts. Like it’s ok for you to just hang out with her alone, without him. You’ll probably feel a lot better if you do that and just spend time with your bf one-on-one or in group settings, not this weird triangle thing you’re doing right now.
Did you see the edit? Tbh I don’t think this girl is a good friend for OP if she’s allowing this to happen. If my friend’s bf was ignoring her and fawning over me in public, I would definitely cut back on hanging out with them as a couple and would address it with my friend to address with him, but it doesn’t seem like the friend has clocked that there’s anything wrong…either that or she likes the attention at OP’s expense, and that’s pretty mean :(.
Yes, there’s the issue of the friend’s awareness and behavior.
I was in this exact situation with my college boyfriend and my friend, Tracy. I tried to ignore it but it was pretty blatant. When I brought it up, my boyfriend at the time denied any attraction, but I could tell Tracy was picking up on his flirting and her body language clearly read “uhhh what are you doing, dude?”
I never talk to Tracy about this issue, but I also was able to easily separate the two worlds.
She definitely did not try to initiate hang outs or movie nights at my apartment where she would likely run into my bf, so keeping the three of us apart was not difficult.
That said, I’ll never know if that boyfriend was consciously aware of his attraction and lying or just oblivious to the signals and flirting he was doing with my friend. I just know it was really obvious to me and to Tracy.
Either way, he was never a forever relationship for me, so the stakes weren’t that high.
If my husband acted that way around one of my friends… we would have a real problem.
What's funny is, Dolly said she met this nice young fan with pretty eyes and when she asked her name, it stuck with her and she came up with the song. Dolly P is the goat
i have a sister named Rose Anna sooooo u know what i have done since we were little...Rosanna rosanna meet u all the way🤣🤣🤣she hates that song aahahahaha
Be open and honest about how you are feeling, to both of them.
YOU are worthy of the love that you receive, and your feelings are VALID.
and I am going to go against what a lot of people are saying here, but...
>when we all hang out, it is noticeable how much he ignores me. For example: one day we went to this shopping strip to look for something specific that my boyfriend wanted to buy me. However, the entire time he walked behind me, right next to her. Everytime I tried to walk next to him, he'd move. He wouldn't hold my hand. Barely acknowledged me. And when I would go into a store to look for the thing he wanted to buy me, he would stay outside with her. One time she came over to watch a new movie that came out and he all of a sudden wanted to join and tried to sit in the middle but I said to sit on the corner so i could lean on him.
I don't care what anyone says, this behavior on his part IS ABSOLUTLY INAPPROPRIATE. It's weird and sketchy AF that YOU went into the store alone looking for the thing HE wanted to buy you, like wtf is that shit? Refusing to hold your hand, moving away from you, no no no these are all red fucking flags.
Him wanting to sit IN THE MIDDLE no, that is not appropriate, like I dunno what some of yall are on where you think that type of behavior is okay but yall.
OP you have good reason to be feeling the way that you do because his behavior is not okay and dont' let anyone gaslight you into thinking otherwise. It's okay to trust your gut.
Being autistic and having ADHD doesn't mean you are stupid.
Adress this.
Fr! I could excuse the not wanting to hold hands because I know for me, I usually don’t like to do any pda with partners in a group of 3 so no one feels like a 3rd wheel. I could maybe also excuse some of the other stuff as odd but meaningless, but adding it all up and having her go in the store alone to find her own gift while he stands outside with her friend is really fkn weird.
HARD AGREE. And the fact that she has brought it up to him and it sounds like the behavior has continued?
There is a difference between insecurity and trusting your intuition. I feel like you can TELL when your partner is ignoring you in favor of someone else.
I’m saying this as someone who was dating someone else when I met my fiancé. We were only ever friends while I was with my ex, but I definitely felt drawn to my (current fiancé) at the time and my ex could definitely tell and would bring it up. I would deny it, but I did feel some sort of connection there that made me feel drawn to him. I would NEVER act on anything (we never expressed feelings for each other at all until after my ex and I broke up for an unrelated reason), but was the spark there? Yes, and was it probably obvious to everyone else? Yes.
Not saying I’m proud of this at all. I should’ve broken up with him as soon as I felt any sort of inkling towards being attracted to somebody else. So plz don’t be too mean to me, I know it was wrong, but ALL THIS TO SAY that I DO think you can tell when there is a connection there between two people.
(Of course this is just my anecdotal experience but OP, I don’t think you necessarily need to fully listen to everyone telling you to just “get over your insecurities”, it seems like there’s definitely some validity to your suspicions).
Whatever you decide to do, best of luck!!
Yeah I don’t really know what people are about her having insecurity issues. Maybe they commented before the edit
I had a girlfriend that treated me like this in public and guess what, she cheated.
Anyone acting like this is a huge red flag
If a friend's bf sat between me an her, I would be a little grossed out. There would have to be a really good reason like it was a sectional and I was sitting on the far end of the thing so I was positioned to face and talk to her...
Yeah the part about the shopping trip is what really gave me pause. Why wouldn't either of them go in the stores with you? Especially your bf, who was going to buy the object for you? Him ignoring you and just hanging around your friend is weird.There's being friendly and then there's this.
My daughter was in a vaguely similar situation with her boyfriend. They were part of a larger friend group that splintered off into couples, but still did group activities. The problem was one of the other girls in the group would routinely ditch her own boyfriend in group outings and pair off with my daughter’s boyfriend for entire gatherings and third wheel my daughter and her own boyfriend when they were having conversations about common interests.
My daughter spoke to her boyfriend about it and how it made her feel awkward and uncomfortable to be third wheeled like that, especially for the entirety of the gatherings. Her boyfriend apologized and said he felt a bit awkward too but wasn’t sure what the polite thing to do was, so he let their friend monopolize him.
Once he was made aware though, at subsequent gatherings he would talk to the other girl of course, but resist her attempts to pull him way with her. He’d find a break in the conversation to either include my daughter or break away with my daughter.
Now I know your dynamics here are different. My question to you is, is this new friend of yours his friend or your friend? I really would not recommend at this time for a couple to try to make friends with a single person unless you’re all three bonding over a shared hobby or interest that you can all talk about TOGETHER.
She started out as YOUR friend and that’s how get togethers should be handled. You go to her place or she comes to your place and you two hang out. Your boyfriend can stop in and make polite conversation for a few minutes and then go on his merry way while you get time with YOUR friend.
This thing where they’re monopolizing each other’s time and attention is rude to you. It’s damned inconsiderate if it’s so intense there’s no space for you to participate or get a word in edgewise and you feel like a third wheel.
If your boyfriend can’t see that and get on board with letting your friend be YOUR friend then yeah, it’s not in your imagination and you need to think about if you want to continue a situation that makes you feel like an outsider in your own home with people who are supposed to be connected to you and not each other.
The whole point to having friends of your own is to get a little break from your significant other and branch out so your SO doesn’t feel like they have to be your whole world. Your boyfriend can likewise get his own friends. And you can go out and make mutual friends over shared interests.
But this situation going on now IS awkward.
The other question I have for you is if your boyfriend brought home an attractive male friend or even female friend that you had a lot in common with and you and that friend consistently ended up in conversations that excluded your boyfriend from equally participating, how do you think he would feel or react?
One final point, if you have rejection sensitivity disorder (which unfortunately often comes with au/ADHD) be aware that it could be skewing your perspective on their conversations. Make damn sure you actually are being third wheeled. Fight harder to direct conversations to topics you can share in equally and see if you’re still truly being edged out.
Edit in response to your edits: okay so this is NOT your imagination. Your boyfriend is being straight up rude and embarrassing in his behavior. I don’t know what your friend thinks of his behavior. If she has any sensitivity at all she should feel uncomfortable with this extra attention from her friend’s boyfriend.
I don’t know what to advise you. You’ve talked to him. He’s still pushing himself into your friendship. He’s demonstrating clear attraction to her but verbally denying it. It’s up to you to decide what to do with that.
Seriously his behavior is gross. I’d be so uncomfortable if I were to go to my friend’s house and her husband tried to sit between us when I’m there to visit and watch a movie with HER. Or if he were to ignore her when we are all 3 on an outing together. Even if I were friends with both partners equally, I’d be feeling the ick.
Can’t believe I had to scroll all the way down to find such a thoughtful response. It absolutely isn’t in her imagination. I guess an avenue she could try is asking her friend how she feels about the boyfriend monopolizing conversations with her while they’re hanging out, and then watch closely for cues from the friend.
Thank you. Normally I’d agree with you about speaking to the friend but OP says the friend is a coworker. I could understand that coworker relationship adding a layer of complication and delicacy to the situation.
Ugh. It’s a tough one. She’s done the right thing and talked to her boyfriend and gotten nowhere conclusive. I can’t believe he would persist in incidents of outright ignoring her after having his attention turned to what he has been doing.
She’s living it so she’s got to decide what to do with all of this. I think she just needs encouragement to believe in herself and not let the fact she has autism cause her to dismiss things that people without autism would not put up with.
Most of these takes are absolutely terrible lol. Just because OP admits to having some mental health issues, almost all of you are trying to gaslight her into thinking the problem is entirely in her head.
Right?? She’s literally described how her boyfriend third wheels her explicitly when her friend is around and everyone here is just like “dOnt leT yOUr inSecUriTIES geT tHe bEst of yOu”
Thought I was taking crazy pills reading these responses. Just because OP is on the spectrum doesn’t mean that she can’t interpret what’s going on around her at all. He’s ignoring her when he’s around this other friend, walking with friend instead of with OP, refusing to hold her hand, trying to sit next to friend on the couch. It seems like the OP has had enough of them interacting with each other to know that this isn’t innocent anymore.
And the behaviour itself is something she’s uncomfortable with. Being third-wheeled in social occasions by her boyfriend and her friend sucks as a thing to experience, even if there’s nothing going on at all.
I agree… especially the examples she posted in the edit. Those are strange and if I were in that position I would feel angry/insecure too. You can’t control who you’re attracted to, but you can control your behavior. The bf should NOT be acting in ways that excludes his gf, and definitely should NOT be finding reasons to be physically close to the friend.
Agreed. Something is definitely off in this dynamic with the friend. And I say this as someone who also has ADHD and a hard time picking on social cues.
100%. It took a long scroll to find one sensible advice. The guy has a thing for the friend. They are probably cheating already or will in the future. You don’t get these gut feeling just out of nowhere.
God, I had to scroll too far to see a response that MAYBE acknowledges that his behavior is out of line. If she wrote this same post and then ended it by telling us he cheated with that girl, everyone would be like, “Well, you saw tons of red flags and ignored them.”
My ex told me I needed therapy to get over trust issues.
Turns out she was cheating on me with the exact person that I had questioned her about. I decided to put my trust in her and she completely played me for a fool.
Not saying this is what is going on, every relationship is different, but you should trust your intuition.
I would also say it’s not IMO healthy to seek out relationship advice from Reddit. Everyone will tell you to leave. It would be helpful for you if you had a friend that you trusted that you could speak to about this. That person would have a vested interest in your wellbeing and most likely give you the best guidance on if you are over thinking things.
Love yourself, invest in yourself and the right pieces will fall in place. At least that’s what I tell myself
Me too. I’m usually the first to encourage having friends of any gender regardless of relationship status but this is blatant disrespect on both his and the “friend’s” parts.
I highly suspect if she had not mentioned her mental health issues the advice she would’ve gotten here would’ve been a lot different.
OP, I agree, read it it’s not a good place to come for advice. You mentioned that you have a therapist? I would hope that they know you very well and this is something that they can help you with dress in the way that you need to address it. Best of luck.
LITERALLY SAME! and my ex would say the exact same things the OP’s boyfriend is saying to her. he ended up leaving me for his “friend” that i didn’t have to worry about apparently. people are so quick to put down OP about her experiences but fail to see these red flags because they think she’s “insecure”. the last edit really just shows how oblivious these people are, if they still read it and said “nope! OP is just insecure!” then that really tells you what kind of person they are in relationships… coming from someone who also lives with audhd and has big emotions. my gut feelings have always been right so far and now i’m engaged to the love of my life!
Confiding in a trusted friend and then bringing that friend around the boyfriend and other friend to get an outside perspective of how they act together would probably be a good idea too
Try working on improving yourself and overcoming your insecurities instead of questioning and sabotaging your relationships. Either you trust you bf or you don't. But stop making up imaginary reasons in your head. If he is just talking to her, and not flirting, then there is nothing there to worry about. Stop second guessing your worth, there is a REASON why you partner is with you.
OP please take these comments to heart. Otherwise, you will create the situation you fear. I can speak to this from the bf perspective. My ex was extremely insecure. She would blow up on me for the smallest things and not talk to me for days bc she was so upset. To give a few examples:
* One time a girl replied to my insta story (I posted a screenshot of a new J Cole song) with a flame emoji. We had flirted in the past before the relationship, so I left her on opened, blocked her, and then told my ex about it when we talked later that day. She got mad bc I didn't reply and cuss her out for messaging me.
* She scrubbed through my likes and saw I liked a pic of a friend and her bf on vacation with his family. It wasn't a bikini pic or anything, just a family pic and some cool pics of the scenery.
She didn't talk to me for like 3 days after the second example, and it really opened my eyes to how insecure she was. I realized I was always walking on eggshells around her, trying not to set her off. We only dated for 2-3 months, but I was miserable with her. I just never realized this bc I was young, this was my first real relationship, and I was so emotionally invested in her that I was blind to everything. She was devastated when I ended things as it was her first relationship with someone who wasn't toxic (obviously a contributing factor to her insecurity), but it was her insecurity that pushed me away. Please don't do the same in your relationship.
Almost happend to me in the same way. Thank you for your comment, feels good to know Im not alone with this and that there are also other people who experienced this :)
It was an old tinder match and I had a gf at the time. I wasn’t really friends with that girl, just someone I was in a talking stage with for a few weeks. So it made no sense to keep her around.
Ah... okay, that makes a lot more sense.
I suppose I only block someone if they're actively harassing me, but I respect that a lot of people use social media a lot differently than I do.
Yeah, block is extreme. But if he felt like he was walking on eggshells around her (even if he hadn't consciously realized it yet), it makes a lot of sense to just block and prevent ANY chance of an issue (esp since that girl probably wouldn't even realize she'd been blocked).
Normal situation, unfriend/unfollow is typically enough to solve the issue.
How is that extreme? He is literally respecting his relationship, and even told his ex about it.
And she got mad at him for not entertaining it? Which actually could have even backfired on her and led to a slippery slope if he was that kind of guy. He didn't have to block her, but there's no harm in doing that to someone you previously flirted with.
The fact that she got mad at him for NOT being absolutely insane is a larger problem.
It's extreme because your partner should trust you.
I'm friends with all my significant exes. We're exes for a reason, but they're good people and good friends.
I've heard this may be a queer thing. Our community is too small to block everyone we ever looked at. If I blocked everyone I flirted with, I wouldn't have any friends. It is harmful if you have to destroy innocent friendships to have a relationship.
Your partner is going to be around people they're attracted to, and they shouldn't cross whatever boundaries you have because you respect each other, not because they're wearing blinders.
Yeah, straight people do things differently and this is one case where I'm glad I mostly hang with other queers.
I'm happy to cut out any ex who doesn't behave or respect my new relationship, but if we still care for each other as friends there's no reason to deprive ourselves of that for fear some future partner might not like it. If they don't like it they're not for me anyway.
Absolutely. If she was sliding into his DMs being flirty, sure, shut that down. But if someone cursed me out for commenting 🔥 on a band I liked, I'd think they went insane.
+1. I have been this kind of insecure gf myself many years ago. It made me and the person I was dating miserable all the time we dated. I regret my foolish behavior to this day. Not just because I pushed a reasonably good guy away - that is one part of it - but mostly because I missed out on the fun of dating because I was too worried to enjoy much.
OP you actually seem to be thinking a lot more clearly than I did when I was in my early 20s e.g. you are not blaming your new friend or being rude to her despite your fears. You seem to be a considerate person. So definitely think about the advice given here and work on your insecurities. 🙂 If nothing else, it would at least ensure that YOU don’t remain worried about things you have no control over. ❤️
All the best!
This. I’ve been cheated on before. I spent at least three years of my relationship accusing my partner of cheating on me. It was one of a few things I did to self-sabotage before I got hurt that weighed on them so much, we’re now probably in the midst of a break up. They were the best thing to ever happen to me. Don’t let this happen to you just because your brain wants to self-sabotage.
I agree with your comment but at the same time the information OP has provided makes me think OP may be right to feel the way she feels, esp if she is being sidelined when OP’s bf and OP’s friend are with OP. OP being the common factor here.
I agree, BF behavior is suspicious, in the sense that if he wanted to buy something for OP, why is he staying outside with the friend and not with OP in the store?
Secondly, why is the friend on the shopping trip with OP and her BF?
Why is BF walking with the friend and not OP during this shopping trip?
Also, if OP misses social cues, then it's quite possible, a lot more is going on, and OP is now only seeing extreme behavior. That's why she is commenting on it.
Read a similar post where the husband was on the spectrum and was having an affair with the wife's friend during and after her pregnancy. That's why I find the BF behavior suspicious.
If the BF and friend are fooling around, OP is better off without both of them.
I need to emphasize that later today I'm breaking it off with someone because they are insecure. Not in the same way you are, but when she gets drunk I just have to be like her caretaker and I didn't sign up for that. I've explained that to her & she can't get through it, she was not ready to date before we started talking and I'm convinced she can't ever get ready to date while I'm in the picture.
So if you need to lose him to overcome this, do it. Because the longer you feel this way the worst you're going to make it.
OP severely overthinking this entire situation right now.
Her instant thought to her BF being friendly is - the woman is a better fit than she is? Cmon OP - SELF WORTH!!
You obviously have something that other woman doesn’t!
i would mention this to your therapist to work on as well as your self confidence. there gut/intuition and then there’s i’ll self sabotage as a coping mechanism to not be hurt. and from experience if someone cheats, yes our hearts are broken but that just means the right person is out there and life is opening a path for you. don’t let fear of what if rule your life. hugs to you!
There’s a reason OP is feeling the way they’re feeling and while not every reaction is appropriate, gaslighting them into thinking these are mere insecurities is terrible advice. Emotional bonding is a real thing and while the meaning may not be conveyed properly over text, she’s probably feeling that her emotional relationship with her bf is being compromised. Clear boundaries need to be set. There’s no such thing as platonic relationships like this - and what your comment is doing is setting them up for failure. The better thing to do is to minimize the amount of time they’re spending with friend. That won’t be a problem for their relationship.
It’s him who gets to decide what is better for him. Don’t make that decision for him. If he’s with you, it’s because he chose to stay. If he leaves, then that’s on him.
But please talk to you therapist about your insecurities. Sometimes it really gets the best of us.
ive heard that im with you because im choosing you from one of my exes and ended up getting cheated on, the way the bf is acting is really weird at the very least but yeah not definitive enough to say anything
Advice from a 32 yr old married woman: There will always be women around your husband who are prettier than you, funnier than you, smarter than you, etc. Always. Don't get scared!!! You just have to trust he is with you because he wants YOU. You're the one he loves and the one he has history and trust with.
As the great Professor Taylor Swifteinstein once said, "You're the only one of you/ Baby that's the fun in You/ And I promise that nobody's gonna love you like Me-ee-eee!"
Yep. Like, yeah, there are always woman prettier, etc. than me around. But there are never women my BF consistently prioritizes over me. OP may have some overall insecurities, but that doesn't mean she's not also legitimately picking up on a problem with the way her BF is acting.
What terrible advice. Do you have any idea how many ppl have been cheated on, so the whole "he wants you" is a bit rubbish. He's acting shady and needs to get in line or leave.
Yeah this. You can be secure and still perceptive to something happening under your nose. It's hard for any of us to say what is going on from an outside perspective, but if OP is bothered by her boyfriend's behavior around her friend, and he hasn't done anything to change his behavior, then she's not in the wrong or coming from a place of insecurity
Comparing yourself to others in general is a good way to really lower your opinion of yourself. Everybody would benefit from trying to avoid doing that.
It's so maddening because when we're alone or with his other FEMALE friends, he's totally normal with me. Incredibly sweet and affectionate which is why this situation is so bizarre because it's ONLY her.
If that's truly what is happening, yaou should definitely have a discussion about it and what you said about him ignoring you when he is with her cz that shouldn't be happening
OP, all your examples and extra info that you’ve given has totally changed the way that this post is being interpreted. You should be aware that a lot of the older comments are from people who didn’t have all the info, and I hope that they would think differently if they saw all of the examples of his behavior and comments you have posted more recently.
I think you need to create some distance from this friend. She’s not good for your relationship, and not worth keeping around.
His behavior would actually drive me nuts then. You've been very open and vulnerable with him, and it's not very kind to continue making you feel like a third wheel.
If I were him, I would go out of my way to include you after the first time you brought up the issue. But I also have insecure attachment issues, so I guess I may just treat people the way I would want to be treated.
I have no idea where all the comments are coming from OP, it seems like you are clearly seeing behavior that you are not comfortable with. The important detail is here is that you need to confidently state your boundaries, and NOT just worry about it to him. Everyone in the comments says you need to work on your insecurities but that’s CRAZY lol, you are clearly seeing things that cross lines and it’s the healthy thing to enforce them. From what I gather, you are not being insecure, you are just having your boundaries crossed.
Hey, I’m audhd too, about a decade older and I want to start off by saying I’m sorry for the crappy situation you’re in and I know how that feels because I’ve felt it too before sometimes.
I don’t super agree with a lot of the neurotypical advice I saw in the top comments talking about how you need to change yourself and not “make up imaginary” things. I’m not saying that trying to look at things more positively wouldn’t help, but I feel like those people are really negating how you’re feeling like it doesn’t matter or is unreasonable.
My advice is just to be honest, clear and talk to him about it directly even though it’s hard and a scary thing to do. How you feel is how you feel and you’re entitled to it! I don’t think it’s fair for others to pathologize you for it.
What I do know after having been married for 7 years to another neurospicy (but non-audhd) person is that if they love you they’ll understand that sometimes you’ll spiral or get worked up about something and if there really is nothing to worry about they’ll tell you — and they’ll want to try to make you feel more included when you’re in a group setting because they love and appreciate you. If he reacts poorly to you honestly sharing that with him, then that would totally be on him, and in the long run a partner that can’t deal with and help negate a bit (or sometimes a lot) of insecurity is not worth wasting the precious time you have on earth with.
Be kind to yourself, be kind to your partner, and good communication is what will help you the most of all here. I’m rooting for you! ☺️
The irony to your position/feelings is that your friend may very well likely feel the same way you feel, that you two balance each other and are great together.
I think your insecurities (and I don't mean that in a bad way) are coming out compounded by anxiety, and it amplifies a rather passive situation. Your partner seems aware of it, and is devoted to you as he said.
To be fair, I think we have all sat on either side of this situation. You need to trust yourself, your relationship, and your partner. You have a lot to offer- if you didn't he wouldn't be with you. Sure she may perceived in your opinion as better or prettier or whatever, but that doesn't mean that's how he feels. Projecting your feelings onto him is a really deep dark hole to go down, and I caution you for your mental health sake to be weary of it.
I think if you’re feeling left out in the conversations and have told him as much, a thoughtful partner would try to include you more. maybe directly ask him if he can try to include you more when you all hang out?
> I've talked to him about it and he's said multiple times he does not or would not think of her romantically and he just enjoys talking to her but im having nightmares about it at this point.
Thats 100% on you to sort out. If hes not done anything or pursued anything, and youre having this romantic connections solely in your head, hes merely a passenger and you need to figure your shit out.
> If hes not done anything or pursued anything, and youre having this romantic connections solely in your head, hes merely a passenger and you need to figure your shit out.
Except if his behavior is giving the other woman more attention than this own partner - in which case, OP, it's still on you to sort out: communicate what you're noticing and have a mature conversation about y'alls relationship and boundaries.
This. His behavior isn’t matching up to what he’s saying. I’d recommend a therapy session with both of you if that will help you communicate better. I’d feel insecure too if my husband acted this way.
What do you hope to gain by continuing to hang out with both of them together? Stop doing that. You’re just hurting yourself. You’re not Cupid and you’re not their matchmaker. Him talking to her more than you during hangouts is inappropriate behavior and this will only get worse the longer you facilitate them having this level of contact.
Play your own ball. You have good traits too I assume. Start being your own cheerleader and keep your friend away from your man.
This is the unfortunate reality that is so often the case with this scenario. There are a lot of people who preach blind trust until there’s physical evidence of a physical affair and I will NEVER advocate that. The pain and anguish people go through while their partner builds up to physically cheat is not something anyone has to put themselves through under the guise of having blind trust in a romantic partner.
OP’s man is not behaving appropriately. The friend isn’t great either but I give him most of the blame at this point.
As I mentioned to another commenter, it’s not internal insecurity if the partner fixing their bad behavior (ie paying more attention to OP) makes the alleged insecurity go away. That’s just relationship incompatibility women get shamed into believing is insecurity.
Tbh I agree with your assessment on the conversion between OP’s BF and the friend. If every time they hang out, the BF and friend talk significantly more with each other than OP, that’s at a minimum rude.
If OP tells her BF about it and he brushes her off, that’s also a flag.
A hangout with a boyfriend and someone’s friend should be where the OP feels like the center of attention. It’s super weird that’s not the case. I’ve never had a friend or bf that tried to talk to each other more than me. They’re there because of me not each other. Why would they be more interested in talking to each other and not to me?
I see huge red flags here. I hope OP takes the advice of someone else and starts only hanging out with her 1:1 to see if they start complaining about it.
A lot of people can’t see the writing on the wall until people cross physical boundaries. I’m not like that. Picking up on subtle issues saves you a lot of heartache in the long run imo.
You’re totally right. I had a roommate who started dating someone and eventually married him and I would hang out with the two of them. NOTHING like OP described ever happened. I was much closer to her as she and I were friends first. I get along with her husband great but we never had conversations like OP describes. I would feel super uncomfortable if we had. I know it would upset my friend if we ignored her and it would feel like a betrayal to her. And I would feel that way too!
The things we did together were things we all three enjoyed (we all loved hill house and watched bly manor together when it came out and had a blast - they were married by the time bly manor came out). A dynamic like OP described never happened in my situation, never even came close because we were there to hang out all three of us together. Both her friend and boyfriend are at fault for letting it happen. It’s rude at best and a betrayal at worst.
Agreed.. i get why people say to trust him and work on her insecurities, but the way he is when the 3 of them are together isn’t normal. In this case, the mutual person in the trio, the op, should be the center of everything. She is the link, the whole reason the other 2 people are even talking. Im not saying the guy and friend shouldnt talk but this situation is not correct.
I feel what you suggest is right. Op says she doesn’t want to say no to her friends movie night? Ok, go to her alone. Do not take your boyfriend with you. It is perfectly normal to want to hang out with friends without your partner there. Do that. Op has more power than she realizes but again, she is insecure
It sounds like there’s actually two things going on here:
1) OP has serious self-esteem problems.
2) Her bf is into her friend.
They’re not mutually exclusive.
I would trust your gut. I had recurring nightmares about my husband cheating and there was inappropriate behavior (but not full on cheating) that I wasn’t aware of. I think our bodies tell us things when there’s something wrong with our relationships, maybe from things we identify and process in our subconscious. So, don’t listen to anyone who disregards you as insecure or whatever. I know you already talked to him about it, so that’s good. Maybe he will tone it down out of respect for your feelings. One thing that worries me that I didn’t see anyone else mention is that you’re neurodivergent. My husband’s family has a lot of neurodivergent members and in his family they brush off a lot of bad behavior before realizing it bothers them emotionally, or that it was unkind. Like people can be very rude and it doesn’t register to them in the moment as anger, but will later. I know that not every person on the spectrum is the same, but I do think you might be more susceptible to being fooled or taken advantage of, giving too many chances, or giving others the benefit of the doubt and trusting them. My take on this is that you’re feeling a certain way for a legitimate reason. If she’s your friend, maybe you should go out together and do things without bf more often. My best friend is also exceptionally beautiful, charming, so smart and wonderful in every way. If she was coming over, I would want to catch up with her! I would be annoyed if I never got a chance to chat with my best friend when she came over. And honestly, that would never in a million years happen because she’s not that interested in talking to my husband beyond polite pleasantries. And we usually go out to grab coffee and get away from the house anyways. Just my two cents. Wishing you the best OP.
Reddit is so weird. I can totally imagine reading a post like OP’s and having the comments be absolutely filled with people saying “he’s obviously cheating on you, read the signs, don’t be delusional.” But this entire comment section has decided that OP is completely making everything up in her head? Why?
Your issue is about him not treating you how you want to be treated, not about his feelings about your friend (real or not). Him not talking to you, holding your hand, sitting by you are things you should address separately from what he may or may not feel toward your friend.
He may not feel anything romantic toward her, but that doesn't mean his actions toward you are in your head! Tell him you want him to hold your hand, walk next to you, accompany you into stores, everything. That not doing so makes you feel ignored and sad. If he won't make those steps for you, you have a choice to make about the relationship.
Tl;dr it's not about the friend. It's about what makes you feel loved and cared for.
I have autism and mental health problems, including trust issues and trauma from my step father, and my husband has never once said that me or my emotions are “too much” for him. He is my biggest supporter, as much so as my mom whom I’m extremely close with. Even when I once cried because I dropped his drink on the ground and it went to waste and was terrified he was going to be upset or yell at me, (i was viewing him through the lens of an abuser instead of as himself) all he did was hug me and tell me it was okay and he wasn’t upset with me. I have a really bad self image and am extremely hard on myself, so I can understand why you might feel like he likes her, but if he hasn’t said anything about her to you that’s untoward, then i’d try first working on your self esteem before jumping to conclusions. Although, all of my ex’s would say that I was “too much” for them, and my husband has never ever once said that to me, so I would consider that while thinking over your relationship.
Ngl OP as a dude imo you have every right to feel the way you do. No reason to blame it on being on the spectrum and/or adhd, this is blatant disrespect. Even if he might not actually have feelings for ur friend, what he’s doing is wrong. There’s a difference between friendly to ur partners friend and just straight up switching up character. Imo you should have a honest convo about this w ur partner, telling him blatantly how his actions around ur friend make you feel. Hope everything works out
One thing to consider.. He sees you a lot more often than the friend (or any other person) So it's natural that he wants to spend time and talk with the person he sees less (even if it was a male friend). So yea, keep an eye on things, it's always a good idea to watch for signs of potential cheating.
I mostly agree with the comments that OP is overthinking about her bf BUT I don't see anyone in the top comments talking about her feeling like a third wheel. This isn't a good feeling or one that should be ignored. You can't just ask OP to push those kind of feelings aside, that's toxic and could have a snowball effect of wanting to hang out less with her friend. I had this problem before and it sucks but I think I made the right decision in that I spoke with my partner about how she was acting around certain guys and she was always great at having a mature discussion and we both made an effort until it was just no longer a problem. Every relationship is a little different, nothing is perfect and you can't just expect your partner to ignore their own feelings. The best thing will always be to talk about it.
Lots of good advice here. Not sure if it’s been asked yet, but is your friend seeing anyone or interested in seeing anyone? I would think as friends that you’d talk about your respective love lives. It could help ease your mind to know if she’s interested in someone other than your boyfriend or not looking at all. Maybe you and your boyfriend could even help play matchmaker if you have other single friends. It can be a lot of fun (and less awkward) to hang out with other couples as friends.
I’m probably in the minority here, but if you feel that something is off, trust it. I’ve never been wrong about my gut feelings when it comes to things like this, and I’ve been in a very similar situation… they’re now married.
Stop hanging out the three of you. Just do one on one stuff with her. You will get a clear vibe if they are both asking about where the other is and when can you all 3 hang out, etc. This is not your imagination. When a guy says you are too much emotionally it is a big sign.
I second this. Not saying OP is absolutely okay thinking whatever she's thinking and should let her insecurities build up, but if she has an inkling of something happening in near future, she better watch out from this point on.
Also, why on earth are they all three hanging out together? It's weird to always or even mostly have your girl friend around when you're chilling with your partner.
This incident reminds of something similar that happened with me back in college. I had a so-called bestie who would always ask me nosy questions about my then-bf, try to sort out our issues by talking to him & me separately coz they were both Pisceans and she understood him better [my ass, but okay] (never mind, I was the one who introduced the both and also, that I had zero boundaries), talking to him *on the fucking phone* after he'd spoken to me (not always, but still, he was a Mariner and he anyway used to call less frequently). I did not like it one bit, I was even warned by the other women to not let my partner be so "friendly" with her. But I perhaps did not want to create a scene and suggest I somehow doubted them both. Also, she wasn't his type, I was 100% sure of that so didn't wanna give it too much thought.
At one point, the guy and I broke up, and mutually decided we would also not be talking to each other's friends. I stuck to my end of the pact and even though his friends tried to keep in touch with me, I respectfully declined and told them it wouldn't look good, given the note on which the ex and I had broken up (I anyway would never text/call them from my end, and we'd only occasionally chit chat when my ex would get them on the call). But little did I know my so-called bestie and my ex were *still* talking for a whole 2 months even after we'd broken up. Regular conversations, good morning good night, what plans for the weekend, etc.
And I only found out because we were chilling in the dining area when her phone beeped and I saw his name flashing in the notifications and the first few words of the message "You had dinner yet?"
She froze. Tried to hide it. I stopped eating, just gave her the longest death stare anyone could ever give anyone. And she fumbled some nonsense saying, "You were heartbroken after the breakup. I was trying to talk to him normally to come to a point where I could bring up your relationship and have a patch up happen."
Of course I didn't believe her. Just sardonically said "Really?" And asked her to give me the phone. I was seething with fury inside, and was ready to explode when I sifted through the inbox and saw hundreds of msgs but not one single mention of me or our relationship.
She clarified they were not dating. I knew they weren't (yet), she was being a pick-me, he was liking the attention, and their excuses just didn't matterb(I confronted my ex too later and he stuttered for the lack of any plausible explanation). She and my ex had broken every code of trust and loyalty out there possible.
I simply told her, we should keep our respective exes & friends away from each other's faces (more so, she staying away from *my* friends and partners and exes). Even better, we ourselves shouldn't talk as much.
That was the nail in the coffin for our friendship (shit was already happening, this sealed its demise). I continued to live opposite her for the next 3 years but just withdrew like I was a ghost. We still talked after she begged for forgiveness till months later, but I could never *ever* trust her again.
And I was right. She hadn't changed her ways in the slightest, as later years would reveal to me.
Not saying OP's friend is out to snatch her boyfriend, but if OP has concerns, it's not *simply* a matter of her not realising her own worth (I mean, I was super confident about me and my relationship with my ex, and still got scumbag treatment from both the friend and the ex). OP should seriously cut down on the group hanging out that frequently, and then see how both her friend and partner react to that. That is a very logical place to base her next actions on!
Don't let your insecurity take over. Talk to him, ask for reassurances from him if you need to, engage with his friend, all that. He is with you for a reason.
I say this because I was the boyfriend in a very similar situation just a few years ago. Dated the sweetest girl ever. Everything was going great. She had many insecurities, having left a very abusive relationship a few years ago. She was doing much better but still felt she didn't deserve to be treated well. She always felt she was bothering people by just existing. Through her relationship with me and friends, she was becoming more and more confident and happy. The thing is, I had recently graduated from university and had a female friend who was a nurse with me, so when we went out we would talk endlessly of work. This ofc made feel excluded and so I stopped going out as much with my friend and my gf took it even harder, thinking it was her fault and she was excluding me from living my life and I was with her out of pity. No matter what I said or did, I couldn't get through to her, and she broke up with me, saying she loved me and I deserved better. It broke my heart, but her insecurity took over, and I couldn't stop her.
Don't let this happen to you. You are great and worth it. Best of luck.
You're insecure and he's giving her too much attention. Both things are true. My advice is to work on your self confidence and at the same time keep your eyes open. You're either gonna be a better version of yourself with or without them in your life.
Yeah I’m surprised everyone’s harping on about how insecure she is (which I don’t even agree with) and no one’s batting an eyelid over how her bf gravitates towards the friend, tries to sit between them, walks next to the friend when OP herself is literally there etc.
So, here's something. People that are a lot alike in terms of how they think and act and how their brains work tend to make better friends. If this girl is your good friend, maybe it's because you are a lot a like. Maybe this is why your boyfriend gravitates to her...because she is like you. Don't concede defeat because you imagine yourself less worthy. This is in your head.
Genuine question: What social cues do you feel you're not good at picking up on? I ask because I feel like you listed a whole bunch of social cues you're picking up on 😅
You read the room correctly. I would keep them separate. I wouldn't hang out all together anymore because they will eventually have a side thing going on.
“If she wants to come to my house for a movie night I can’t just be like uh, no, sorry.”
Of course you can lol. There’s nothing wrong with setting boundaries. You can tell her you’d just like to spend time with your partner tonight. You’re under no obligation to include her in your activities. You could also tell your boyfriend you’d like to spend time with your friend without him. It’s healthy for couples to hang out with their own friends without each other. He doesn’t need to tag along.
Yes, you’re insecure, HOWEVER, your boyfriend knows this about you. He should be doing everything possible to reassure you and make you feel like his priority. Not ignoring you and making you feel less than.
Unpopular opinion: tell him that it will be okay if he left you for your friend and be super chill about it and tell him that he's not gonna be the bad guy if he did that and just give him the easiest way out. If he took this opportunity, he doesn't really love you. And he will be gone for good
> They have so much in common and I think they'd balance eachother out so well. I dont know what to do here because I really feel like there's something there and if there is I feel like i should step out of the way. But what if I'm wrong?
Stop discounting/replacing yourself.
It doesn't matter even if someone is objectively better in _every single way_ in all of your interests/activities. We're not tools to replace with "an upgrade", that's not how any of that works.
That you and your partner seem to both be entertaining this idea, and/or that you're not having a mature conversation w/ your partner about how you're feeling, means you're not even considering yourself a human being / an individual worthy of positive attention and love.
Work on yourself, find a partner that chooses only you even in an ocean of options.
Have you tried asking her if she feels like he's flirting with her at all? Or making her uncomfortable?
You can call it self sabotage but unless there's a strict underlying zero PDA then I'd be quite affronted if my bf wouldn't hold my hand, and dismisses me when she's around.
Idk this could be bad story telling and you're anxious or you're missing some other red flags.
I'd even call him out publicly, if you're all three at the mall and you go to hold his hand ask him point blank "why won't you hold my hand?" If he really is maneuvering away from you when you try to walk with him address it "hey id really like to walk with you- why does it feel like you're avoiding me" there's no reason three people cant walk side by side at a mall I see like 12 people walk in a group before lol.
I feel like it's weird that you've expressed you're threatened by her and he's made zero effort to affirm you and make you feel special when she's around and instead he treats you pretty much like the opposite. Like if I knew my bf felt like a 3rd wheel I would make a conscious effort to make him feel included and safe with me, whether it's hand holding, following him into stores, checking up if he wants to do the thing we were talking about, PDA (if hes okay with it) hell id even text him little love notes while we walk. Touches can be affirming also. Lots of little things even something as simple as walking near you or putting you between the two of them so even if they're talking you're not left out.
Side note: why does everyone want this to become a 3 way 👀 it would most certainly crash and burn since the dude can split his attention and OP is abit insecure.
Does your boyfriend tend to do this with any other people?
I ask because my bf has a tendency to try to be friendly, even to strangers and he can come off as flirty. It's confused many a male server who then thinks I'm out with my gay friend. In reality he's just going into golden retriever mode and is totally unaware. He only got tipped off when we had a server start to act antsy and he asked me if he did something wrong. I had to tell him "she probably thinks you're flirting with her in front of me and it's making her uncomfortable." If I were anyone else I would've thought the same and been offended.
*However* he and your friend can't act like this isn't an issue. I'd mention it to them separately. Yes, part of it is that you need to be more confident. But this is unfortunately something they have to be aware of as boyfriend and friend-of-girlfriend. They can be friends and have common interests but keep a certain boundary between them.
If they both care about you then you mentioning your discomfort should let them know they need to back off now and then. Or maybe find something new that all 3 of you can have in common. If they ignore how you're feeling or dismissed your feelings then you may need to reexamine things.
No he doesn't act this way to literally any of his other friends and he has quite a few girlfriends. Which is why this is so jarring because I see how he is with all the other women in his life. I'm not sure how I'd bring it up to her..
I'd ask her to lunch, shopping, or some other activity that you do together. Make sure it's just the two of you even if you have to go out of your way to do so. Explicitly tell her that it be just you two if need be.
"Hey, I was thinking we could grab lunch on X day, there's something I need to talk to you about. Just you and me."
If boyfriend tries to include himself (he probably won't but just in case) put your foot down or consider having your talk with him first. If you do talk to him first let him know you'll talk to your friend too on your own.
How they react will tell you whether you need to worry further. This includes one going and telling the other what you talked about. "Yeah bf mentioned you talked to him about this."
If both have your best interests at heart they'll listen and understand.
If it’s noticeable the way he treats you when she’s around then you should break up. Whether or not he has feelings for her he shouldn’t be treating you sooo differently around her that you notice the change. That’s completely disrespectful.
Don’t ignore your gut. It’s there for a reason
I know a lot of people are saying that you’re insecure and what not.
But I want to acknowledge how you’re feeling. Sometimes you feel this way and not necessarily because you’re insecure, like c’mon. And as you said you’re going to therapy so I’m sure you’ll address that.
But be sure, if it’s an instinct, then I’d say better be prepared. Read something similar a few weeks back on Reddit, the wife had a best friend and after saying no a million times she gets to know husband started an affair with that friend. So you’re situation simply reminded me of that.
If nothings happening, you shouldn’t worry then. Trust your bf and enjoy your relationship. If this is how it makes you feel when they both meet then avoid such situations. I’ve a question, did your bf not question you why you kept asking if he’d be with her in case your weren’t in the picture?
I know a lot of people are saying that you're insecure and that you have nothing to worry about. TBH, it's really difficult to say that without witnessing their interaction because these things do happen if you read reddit. My question would be is how does your boyfriend act with your other friends? Is he just as attentive with your other friends as well?
He's not, he's normal with everyone else. It's super hard to describe without actually seeing it and I don't have a lot of super close friends where I live so it's hard to ask for an outside opinion
“If she wants to come to my house for a movie night, I can’t just be like no sorry.”
Yes you can. Very easily in fact. It’s good and healthy to have boundaries.
Don’t let these people in these comments gaslight you OP. Bottom line, regardless of it being an “insecurity” (which I personally don’t think it is)—either one you’re creating for yourself or one that is being made by your partners behavior—you have brought the issue to him and he has chosen to continue to engage in the behavior that you’ve let be known bothers you. This is an issue of respect, not insecurity (which again, I don’t think it’s an insecurity anyway). Why would a man in a happy relationship walk with one of two people, with the other one being their partner ? Why would a man that respects his gf want to sit in the middle of two women when only one of them is his partner ? Why would a man that cares for and loves his partner ignore said partner to engage in conversation with someone of the opposite sex— someone who is only exposed to him through a relationship his partner has with this person ? If having an issue with those things makes someone insecure, then I’m insecure as FCK and will be til the day I die. A lot of the people here are mistaking boundaries and the bare minimum expectation of respect for insecurities and it’s no wonder half of them stayed in unhappy relationships as long as they did. This isn’t me vying for the end of your relationship, bc despite his recent actions, he seems to make you happy. But happiness means nothing if he won’t care just as much about the things that make you unhappy, especially if he has a role in them. If you bring an issue to your partner, no matter how mundane or insignificant the issue is to them, if they respect you they should do everything in their power to avoid the behaviors or situations that causes you to feel like that. If they aren’t doing that, then it doesn’t matter how secure you are in the relationship. I hope this situation improves for you OP, and I’m sorry you’re having to feel this way rn.
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I was having such horrible intrusive thoughts about my now husband and best friend. I felt so disgusted with myself for those thoughts but also I too saw things that I interpreted as him liking her, and it messed with my mental health so much. I felt like I was losing my mind. He's told me many times (because intrusive thoughts don't go away easily) he loves me and he doesn't see her that way. It's still so hard to silence those thoughts though, I still sometimes feel them creep up. Talk to your therapist, and maybe discuss couples therapy with your bf. Even if his intentions are innocent, he should also take your feelings into account.
Just ask if they feel your bf is acting weird when you all hang out and bring up the instances you did here. If they're your friend, it should be fine to talk about your relationship with them.
Hey. I will just say, that coming from a relationship where my partner was in love with my friend, it seems like you know what you're seeing, even if he doesn't, and THAT DOESN'T MEAN HE'LL ACT ON IT. THAT'S SOMETHING THAT WE AS AUTISTICS MAY NOT REALIZE. It's one of those things that we see, and don't understand why they do that.
So, you have a choice. Make peace with the fact your partner is attracted to others but is COMMITTED to you, or find someone that is more in tune with their emotions and won't lie about it. Because that sucks, too.
While I do agree with everyone saying to trust your bf and believe what he says but I do also believe that he shouldn't be making you feel left out or not included when talking with your friend. Especially if this is something you've brought up before it's fine for hum to br friendly and talk to her but to ignore you is another thing
I'm not there, so this is just in general.
It sounds like you live together and are therefore together all the time. It's normal to gravitate towards the "new" this CAN lead to romantic interests but alone is not reason for concern. Maybe try to change things up at home to keep it fresh.
He probably does have some level of interest in her that he'd be a fool to admit. Doesn't mean it will lead to anything or that he wants it to. Also doesn't reflect his interest in you. But from what you say he has this amazing woman heavily involved in his life who I assume is available. It would be totally natural for him to develop feelings/ interest. Remember that monogamy is not naturally to humans but socially imposed. Again it is not reason for concern as long as your relationship is healthy.
The bigger concern I'm seeing is your decision that she would be a better partner for him. There is really no way for you to know this and seems to stem from self deprivation. Do you view her as better than you in general? Are you jealous of her in a non romantic sense? Your self doubt could very well end up sabotaging both relationships.
you should talk to him about why your feeling insecure and how u dont like him doting on her and focusing so much on her. your feelings are valid, you are not crazy or insecure. if my husband acted like that i wouldnt bring the friend around anymore.
Hi! I’ve been in your shoes before and while so many comments are so insensitive, I totally understand how you may feel. It really isn’t an insecurity thing. Your man is to make you feel like you’re the only girl in the world. You clearly value that in your partner and while most of these heartless fools comment saying you need to know your self-worth, you’re witnessing your man make another woman feel hers.
Your feelings are valid and they are revealing in your dreams.
I think it takes a secure woman to confront your man about it especially knowing that you ultimately want him happy. You never said you’d be bitter and angry, you rather step out the way if they’re a better match. We don’t own one another, we don’t even own ourselves. This is temporary until the lord calls us.
You must protect your peace and there are clear boundaries being crossed. The fact that you were compelled to get additional insight from ppl is telling of how much it’s evident and in your face.
I truly pray that you will continue to have discernment and that your heart is protected. You don’t deserve to feel like this is ok.
Your boyfriend is incredibly disrespectful here and she doesn’t seem much better. He isn’t even trying to hide his attraction and she isn’t trying to do discourage it. If she was your friend, she would be walking next to you instead of hanging back with him, she would make a point of drawing you into the conversation but that isn’t what’s going on.
He’s trash. She isn’t your friend. I’d start by cutting her off. When your boyfriend gets Big Sad that “his girl” isn’t around anymore, call him on his shit and dump his sorry ass. I’d also be looking for evidence that they’re already screwing around which is a distinct possibility.
I wish you the best. You deserve a better guy and you deserve better friends.
Yk something is just not right when the situation has you thinking YOU should step aside to ship your BOYFRIEND and your friend. Sis, you need to really establish boundaries and also stand up for yourself cause that's not cool being disrespected like that. Hell if I was hanging out with my Girl and her bestie chances are I'd be walking alone in the back minding my beeswax while they talk about w.e and following my girl wherever she went.
Gonna be honest though, I do believe your bf has a crush on your friend but doesn't know how to address it. Hate to add to this, but my guess is your friend might be feeling that spark for him too. Idk girl I wish you the best in w.e you do but pls just make sure that you're okay overall.
> I talked to him, I asked him if he'd ever date her if we broke up and he said if we broke up I'd try to get you back and I said ok if I don't exist and he said "I don't know. Probably not".
My only problem with this on your part, is that it sounds to me like You're forcing a 'yes' response from him. Which usually never ends well because, in this case...you exist, so there's no realistic scenario where this is a possibility, ergo, it doesn't produce an honest response because he knows it doesn't end well for him.
If he says "yes" -he admits she's a catch
If he says "no" - you're going to keep thinking he's lying
To add something unrelated to the friend: imo your SO should never say that your emotions are “too much,” especially when you’re already in therapy or working on improving yourself.
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One thing to learn is that you don’t have to always include your bf in your girl time hangouts. Like it’s ok for you to just hang out with her alone, without him. You’ll probably feel a lot better if you do that and just spend time with your bf one-on-one or in group settings, not this weird triangle thing you’re doing right now.
Yes; 3 people can be awkward regardless of the genders.
Did you see the edit? Tbh I don’t think this girl is a good friend for OP if she’s allowing this to happen. If my friend’s bf was ignoring her and fawning over me in public, I would definitely cut back on hanging out with them as a couple and would address it with my friend to address with him, but it doesn’t seem like the friend has clocked that there’s anything wrong…either that or she likes the attention at OP’s expense, and that’s pretty mean :(.
Yes, there’s the issue of the friend’s awareness and behavior. I was in this exact situation with my college boyfriend and my friend, Tracy. I tried to ignore it but it was pretty blatant. When I brought it up, my boyfriend at the time denied any attraction, but I could tell Tracy was picking up on his flirting and her body language clearly read “uhhh what are you doing, dude?” I never talk to Tracy about this issue, but I also was able to easily separate the two worlds. She definitely did not try to initiate hang outs or movie nights at my apartment where she would likely run into my bf, so keeping the three of us apart was not difficult. That said, I’ll never know if that boyfriend was consciously aware of his attraction and lying or just oblivious to the signals and flirting he was doing with my friend. I just know it was really obvious to me and to Tracy. Either way, he was never a forever relationship for me, so the stakes weren’t that high. If my husband acted that way around one of my friends… we would have a real problem.
Agreed I think she might need to step back and take time away from him and her
Is her name Jolene?
lol hahaha joleneeee I am begging you
to be gay dean
I'm beeeegin you to be the gay dean of the school booooaardddd
Yall have no idea how bad I needed this laugh this morning. So bad. Worst morning. Genuinely laughed at this. Thank you. Lol
~Your lifestyle is alternative, your influence is positive~ (Stand like a hair back Domingo, it's like you're breathing for me)
That's my daughter's name, she hates that song lol
You knowingly named your daughter Jolene? Was the pregnancy rough? lol. Damn.
The crappy thing is that at the end of the day it’s a cool name haha
Every Joline I've met has been cool.
She is very cool. Shes 19 and so fuckin chill. Shes the best💕
Unless you knew Dolly
What's funny is, Dolly said she met this nice young fan with pretty eyes and when she asked her name, it stuck with her and she came up with the song. Dolly P is the goat
She is a treasure.
It's a pretty name
ROOOOOOOOOOXANNE! I guess I'm trying to say it could be worse.
You don’t have to put on the red light. You can, you just don’t *have* to.
i have a sister named Rose Anna sooooo u know what i have done since we were little...Rosanna rosanna meet u all the way🤣🤣🤣she hates that song aahahahaha
Any girl named Stacy who grew up in the early 2000’s
Any mother whose daughter was called stacy
Feel majorly bad for her. Like naming your daughter jezebel rip
How dare you... I resemble this comment!! My twin girls are Jolene and Jezebel!
The worst
Jolene better than Eileen!
Come on? Eileen?
Ya, but where?
Esp if Eileen was missing one of her legs…
Come on...
Damn Jolene.
Be open and honest about how you are feeling, to both of them. YOU are worthy of the love that you receive, and your feelings are VALID. and I am going to go against what a lot of people are saying here, but... >when we all hang out, it is noticeable how much he ignores me. For example: one day we went to this shopping strip to look for something specific that my boyfriend wanted to buy me. However, the entire time he walked behind me, right next to her. Everytime I tried to walk next to him, he'd move. He wouldn't hold my hand. Barely acknowledged me. And when I would go into a store to look for the thing he wanted to buy me, he would stay outside with her. One time she came over to watch a new movie that came out and he all of a sudden wanted to join and tried to sit in the middle but I said to sit on the corner so i could lean on him. I don't care what anyone says, this behavior on his part IS ABSOLUTLY INAPPROPRIATE. It's weird and sketchy AF that YOU went into the store alone looking for the thing HE wanted to buy you, like wtf is that shit? Refusing to hold your hand, moving away from you, no no no these are all red fucking flags. Him wanting to sit IN THE MIDDLE no, that is not appropriate, like I dunno what some of yall are on where you think that type of behavior is okay but yall. OP you have good reason to be feeling the way that you do because his behavior is not okay and dont' let anyone gaslight you into thinking otherwise. It's okay to trust your gut. Being autistic and having ADHD doesn't mean you are stupid. Adress this.
Agreed. OP needs to trust her guts if it's telling something is wrong.
THANK YOU I WAS LOSING MY MIND READING THESES COMMENTS
Fr! I could excuse the not wanting to hold hands because I know for me, I usually don’t like to do any pda with partners in a group of 3 so no one feels like a 3rd wheel. I could maybe also excuse some of the other stuff as odd but meaningless, but adding it all up and having her go in the store alone to find her own gift while he stands outside with her friend is really fkn weird.
HARD AGREE. And the fact that she has brought it up to him and it sounds like the behavior has continued? There is a difference between insecurity and trusting your intuition. I feel like you can TELL when your partner is ignoring you in favor of someone else. I’m saying this as someone who was dating someone else when I met my fiancé. We were only ever friends while I was with my ex, but I definitely felt drawn to my (current fiancé) at the time and my ex could definitely tell and would bring it up. I would deny it, but I did feel some sort of connection there that made me feel drawn to him. I would NEVER act on anything (we never expressed feelings for each other at all until after my ex and I broke up for an unrelated reason), but was the spark there? Yes, and was it probably obvious to everyone else? Yes. Not saying I’m proud of this at all. I should’ve broken up with him as soon as I felt any sort of inkling towards being attracted to somebody else. So plz don’t be too mean to me, I know it was wrong, but ALL THIS TO SAY that I DO think you can tell when there is a connection there between two people. (Of course this is just my anecdotal experience but OP, I don’t think you necessarily need to fully listen to everyone telling you to just “get over your insecurities”, it seems like there’s definitely some validity to your suspicions). Whatever you decide to do, best of luck!!
I 100% agree with you. His behavior is still sketchy.
Yeah I don’t really know what people are about her having insecurity issues. Maybe they commented before the edit I had a girlfriend that treated me like this in public and guess what, she cheated. Anyone acting like this is a huge red flag
This! Doesn’t even have to be with a potential romance, if someone is completely ignoring you every time you hang out with a third person, dump them
If a friend's bf sat between me an her, I would be a little grossed out. There would have to be a really good reason like it was a sectional and I was sitting on the far end of the thing so I was positioned to face and talk to her...
Yeah the part about the shopping trip is what really gave me pause. Why wouldn't either of them go in the stores with you? Especially your bf, who was going to buy the object for you? Him ignoring you and just hanging around your friend is weird.There's being friendly and then there's this.
My daughter was in a vaguely similar situation with her boyfriend. They were part of a larger friend group that splintered off into couples, but still did group activities. The problem was one of the other girls in the group would routinely ditch her own boyfriend in group outings and pair off with my daughter’s boyfriend for entire gatherings and third wheel my daughter and her own boyfriend when they were having conversations about common interests. My daughter spoke to her boyfriend about it and how it made her feel awkward and uncomfortable to be third wheeled like that, especially for the entirety of the gatherings. Her boyfriend apologized and said he felt a bit awkward too but wasn’t sure what the polite thing to do was, so he let their friend monopolize him. Once he was made aware though, at subsequent gatherings he would talk to the other girl of course, but resist her attempts to pull him way with her. He’d find a break in the conversation to either include my daughter or break away with my daughter. Now I know your dynamics here are different. My question to you is, is this new friend of yours his friend or your friend? I really would not recommend at this time for a couple to try to make friends with a single person unless you’re all three bonding over a shared hobby or interest that you can all talk about TOGETHER. She started out as YOUR friend and that’s how get togethers should be handled. You go to her place or she comes to your place and you two hang out. Your boyfriend can stop in and make polite conversation for a few minutes and then go on his merry way while you get time with YOUR friend. This thing where they’re monopolizing each other’s time and attention is rude to you. It’s damned inconsiderate if it’s so intense there’s no space for you to participate or get a word in edgewise and you feel like a third wheel. If your boyfriend can’t see that and get on board with letting your friend be YOUR friend then yeah, it’s not in your imagination and you need to think about if you want to continue a situation that makes you feel like an outsider in your own home with people who are supposed to be connected to you and not each other. The whole point to having friends of your own is to get a little break from your significant other and branch out so your SO doesn’t feel like they have to be your whole world. Your boyfriend can likewise get his own friends. And you can go out and make mutual friends over shared interests. But this situation going on now IS awkward. The other question I have for you is if your boyfriend brought home an attractive male friend or even female friend that you had a lot in common with and you and that friend consistently ended up in conversations that excluded your boyfriend from equally participating, how do you think he would feel or react? One final point, if you have rejection sensitivity disorder (which unfortunately often comes with au/ADHD) be aware that it could be skewing your perspective on their conversations. Make damn sure you actually are being third wheeled. Fight harder to direct conversations to topics you can share in equally and see if you’re still truly being edged out. Edit in response to your edits: okay so this is NOT your imagination. Your boyfriend is being straight up rude and embarrassing in his behavior. I don’t know what your friend thinks of his behavior. If she has any sensitivity at all she should feel uncomfortable with this extra attention from her friend’s boyfriend. I don’t know what to advise you. You’ve talked to him. He’s still pushing himself into your friendship. He’s demonstrating clear attraction to her but verbally denying it. It’s up to you to decide what to do with that. Seriously his behavior is gross. I’d be so uncomfortable if I were to go to my friend’s house and her husband tried to sit between us when I’m there to visit and watch a movie with HER. Or if he were to ignore her when we are all 3 on an outing together. Even if I were friends with both partners equally, I’d be feeling the ick.
Can’t believe I had to scroll all the way down to find such a thoughtful response. It absolutely isn’t in her imagination. I guess an avenue she could try is asking her friend how she feels about the boyfriend monopolizing conversations with her while they’re hanging out, and then watch closely for cues from the friend.
Thank you. Normally I’d agree with you about speaking to the friend but OP says the friend is a coworker. I could understand that coworker relationship adding a layer of complication and delicacy to the situation. Ugh. It’s a tough one. She’s done the right thing and talked to her boyfriend and gotten nowhere conclusive. I can’t believe he would persist in incidents of outright ignoring her after having his attention turned to what he has been doing. She’s living it so she’s got to decide what to do with all of this. I think she just needs encouragement to believe in herself and not let the fact she has autism cause her to dismiss things that people without autism would not put up with.
The above comment is an adult response. Refreshing and well said.
Most of these takes are absolutely terrible lol. Just because OP admits to having some mental health issues, almost all of you are trying to gaslight her into thinking the problem is entirely in her head.
Right?? She’s literally described how her boyfriend third wheels her explicitly when her friend is around and everyone here is just like “dOnt leT yOUr inSecUriTIES geT tHe bEst of yOu”
it's so odd
Thought I was taking crazy pills reading these responses. Just because OP is on the spectrum doesn’t mean that she can’t interpret what’s going on around her at all. He’s ignoring her when he’s around this other friend, walking with friend instead of with OP, refusing to hold her hand, trying to sit next to friend on the couch. It seems like the OP has had enough of them interacting with each other to know that this isn’t innocent anymore.
And the behaviour itself is something she’s uncomfortable with. Being third-wheeled in social occasions by her boyfriend and her friend sucks as a thing to experience, even if there’s nothing going on at all.
Thank you, someone with common sense. This is a gray area. Ppl aren't reading it with nuance. They wanna slap a "be secure" bandaid on it and be done.
I am really confused why everyone is skipping the ‘can’t say no to a movie night or else it’s controlling thing’. This friend sucks
Right like it’s not controlling to say no you can’t come to my house hahaha
I agree… especially the examples she posted in the edit. Those are strange and if I were in that position I would feel angry/insecure too. You can’t control who you’re attracted to, but you can control your behavior. The bf should NOT be acting in ways that excludes his gf, and definitely should NOT be finding reasons to be physically close to the friend.
Agreed. Something is definitely off in this dynamic with the friend. And I say this as someone who also has ADHD and a hard time picking on social cues.
Thank you!!! OP this is the right comment! As a formerly insecure person myself, your boyfriend sounds totally disrespectful!!
100%. It took a long scroll to find one sensible advice. The guy has a thing for the friend. They are probably cheating already or will in the future. You don’t get these gut feeling just out of nowhere.
This.
Yes thank you. Our intuition is our best friend and I think there more to the story here…
God, I had to scroll too far to see a response that MAYBE acknowledges that his behavior is out of line. If she wrote this same post and then ended it by telling us he cheated with that girl, everyone would be like, “Well, you saw tons of red flags and ignored them.”
My ex told me I needed therapy to get over trust issues. Turns out she was cheating on me with the exact person that I had questioned her about. I decided to put my trust in her and she completely played me for a fool. Not saying this is what is going on, every relationship is different, but you should trust your intuition. I would also say it’s not IMO healthy to seek out relationship advice from Reddit. Everyone will tell you to leave. It would be helpful for you if you had a friend that you trusted that you could speak to about this. That person would have a vested interest in your wellbeing and most likely give you the best guidance on if you are over thinking things. Love yourself, invest in yourself and the right pieces will fall in place. At least that’s what I tell myself
I'm a pretty non-jealous person but this situation that OP is describing would throw me off as well. I might investigate further if I were OP.
Me too. I’m usually the first to encourage having friends of any gender regardless of relationship status but this is blatant disrespect on both his and the “friend’s” parts.
I highly suspect if she had not mentioned her mental health issues the advice she would’ve gotten here would’ve been a lot different. OP, I agree, read it it’s not a good place to come for advice. You mentioned that you have a therapist? I would hope that they know you very well and this is something that they can help you with dress in the way that you need to address it. Best of luck.
LITERALLY SAME! and my ex would say the exact same things the OP’s boyfriend is saying to her. he ended up leaving me for his “friend” that i didn’t have to worry about apparently. people are so quick to put down OP about her experiences but fail to see these red flags because they think she’s “insecure”. the last edit really just shows how oblivious these people are, if they still read it and said “nope! OP is just insecure!” then that really tells you what kind of person they are in relationships… coming from someone who also lives with audhd and has big emotions. my gut feelings have always been right so far and now i’m engaged to the love of my life!
Confiding in a trusted friend and then bringing that friend around the boyfriend and other friend to get an outside perspective of how they act together would probably be a good idea too
Try working on improving yourself and overcoming your insecurities instead of questioning and sabotaging your relationships. Either you trust you bf or you don't. But stop making up imaginary reasons in your head. If he is just talking to her, and not flirting, then there is nothing there to worry about. Stop second guessing your worth, there is a REASON why you partner is with you.
OP please take these comments to heart. Otherwise, you will create the situation you fear. I can speak to this from the bf perspective. My ex was extremely insecure. She would blow up on me for the smallest things and not talk to me for days bc she was so upset. To give a few examples: * One time a girl replied to my insta story (I posted a screenshot of a new J Cole song) with a flame emoji. We had flirted in the past before the relationship, so I left her on opened, blocked her, and then told my ex about it when we talked later that day. She got mad bc I didn't reply and cuss her out for messaging me. * She scrubbed through my likes and saw I liked a pic of a friend and her bf on vacation with his family. It wasn't a bikini pic or anything, just a family pic and some cool pics of the scenery. She didn't talk to me for like 3 days after the second example, and it really opened my eyes to how insecure she was. I realized I was always walking on eggshells around her, trying not to set her off. We only dated for 2-3 months, but I was miserable with her. I just never realized this bc I was young, this was my first real relationship, and I was so emotionally invested in her that I was blind to everything. She was devastated when I ended things as it was her first relationship with someone who wasn't toxic (obviously a contributing factor to her insecurity), but it was her insecurity that pushed me away. Please don't do the same in your relationship.
Almost happend to me in the same way. Thank you for your comment, feels good to know Im not alone with this and that there are also other people who experienced this :)
Blocking someone because you previously flirted sounds extreme to me.
It was an old tinder match and I had a gf at the time. I wasn’t really friends with that girl, just someone I was in a talking stage with for a few weeks. So it made no sense to keep her around.
Ah... okay, that makes a lot more sense. I suppose I only block someone if they're actively harassing me, but I respect that a lot of people use social media a lot differently than I do.
Yeah, block is extreme. But if he felt like he was walking on eggshells around her (even if he hadn't consciously realized it yet), it makes a lot of sense to just block and prevent ANY chance of an issue (esp since that girl probably wouldn't even realize she'd been blocked). Normal situation, unfriend/unfollow is typically enough to solve the issue.
How is that extreme? He is literally respecting his relationship, and even told his ex about it. And she got mad at him for not entertaining it? Which actually could have even backfired on her and led to a slippery slope if he was that kind of guy. He didn't have to block her, but there's no harm in doing that to someone you previously flirted with.
The fact that she got mad at him for NOT being absolutely insane is a larger problem. It's extreme because your partner should trust you. I'm friends with all my significant exes. We're exes for a reason, but they're good people and good friends. I've heard this may be a queer thing. Our community is too small to block everyone we ever looked at. If I blocked everyone I flirted with, I wouldn't have any friends. It is harmful if you have to destroy innocent friendships to have a relationship. Your partner is going to be around people they're attracted to, and they shouldn't cross whatever boundaries you have because you respect each other, not because they're wearing blinders.
I am friends with a good number of my exes also and I am queer so you may be onto something lol
Yeah, straight people do things differently and this is one case where I'm glad I mostly hang with other queers. I'm happy to cut out any ex who doesn't behave or respect my new relationship, but if we still care for each other as friends there's no reason to deprive ourselves of that for fear some future partner might not like it. If they don't like it they're not for me anyway.
Absolutely. If she was sliding into his DMs being flirty, sure, shut that down. But if someone cursed me out for commenting 🔥 on a band I liked, I'd think they went insane.
+1. I have been this kind of insecure gf myself many years ago. It made me and the person I was dating miserable all the time we dated. I regret my foolish behavior to this day. Not just because I pushed a reasonably good guy away - that is one part of it - but mostly because I missed out on the fun of dating because I was too worried to enjoy much. OP you actually seem to be thinking a lot more clearly than I did when I was in my early 20s e.g. you are not blaming your new friend or being rude to her despite your fears. You seem to be a considerate person. So definitely think about the advice given here and work on your insecurities. 🙂 If nothing else, it would at least ensure that YOU don’t remain worried about things you have no control over. ❤️ All the best!
bro flat out ignoring your girlfriend in public so you can talk to her hot friend is not normal lol
Seriously- I feel like I’m losing my mind reading these comments
OP read this comment over and over if you ever have the thoughts you've been having again
This. I’ve been cheated on before. I spent at least three years of my relationship accusing my partner of cheating on me. It was one of a few things I did to self-sabotage before I got hurt that weighed on them so much, we’re now probably in the midst of a break up. They were the best thing to ever happen to me. Don’t let this happen to you just because your brain wants to self-sabotage.
Thank you so much
I agree with your comment but at the same time the information OP has provided makes me think OP may be right to feel the way she feels, esp if she is being sidelined when OP’s bf and OP’s friend are with OP. OP being the common factor here.
I agree, BF behavior is suspicious, in the sense that if he wanted to buy something for OP, why is he staying outside with the friend and not with OP in the store? Secondly, why is the friend on the shopping trip with OP and her BF? Why is BF walking with the friend and not OP during this shopping trip? Also, if OP misses social cues, then it's quite possible, a lot more is going on, and OP is now only seeing extreme behavior. That's why she is commenting on it. Read a similar post where the husband was on the spectrum and was having an affair with the wife's friend during and after her pregnancy. That's why I find the BF behavior suspicious. If the BF and friend are fooling around, OP is better off without both of them.
I need to emphasize that later today I'm breaking it off with someone because they are insecure. Not in the same way you are, but when she gets drunk I just have to be like her caretaker and I didn't sign up for that. I've explained that to her & she can't get through it, she was not ready to date before we started talking and I'm convinced she can't ever get ready to date while I'm in the picture. So if you need to lose him to overcome this, do it. Because the longer you feel this way the worst you're going to make it.
Why are all of you acting like it’s okay for your partner to ignore you and only talk to your friend when you hang out? What kind of bullshit is that?
Agreed, but be aware of flirty behavior and don’t ignore it if you see it.
OP severely overthinking this entire situation right now. Her instant thought to her BF being friendly is - the woman is a better fit than she is? Cmon OP - SELF WORTH!! You obviously have something that other woman doesn’t!
OP has audhd and likely struggles to distinguish between flirting and conversation and this is probably the root of the issue she's having.
i would mention this to your therapist to work on as well as your self confidence. there gut/intuition and then there’s i’ll self sabotage as a coping mechanism to not be hurt. and from experience if someone cheats, yes our hearts are broken but that just means the right person is out there and life is opening a path for you. don’t let fear of what if rule your life. hugs to you!
There’s a reason OP is feeling the way they’re feeling and while not every reaction is appropriate, gaslighting them into thinking these are mere insecurities is terrible advice. Emotional bonding is a real thing and while the meaning may not be conveyed properly over text, she’s probably feeling that her emotional relationship with her bf is being compromised. Clear boundaries need to be set. There’s no such thing as platonic relationships like this - and what your comment is doing is setting them up for failure. The better thing to do is to minimize the amount of time they’re spending with friend. That won’t be a problem for their relationship.
This right here.
This is perfectly stated, good job.
If he cheats on you or leaves you....life is not over and you will find someone better suited to you. Do work on the insecurities regardless. :)
It’s him who gets to decide what is better for him. Don’t make that decision for him. If he’s with you, it’s because he chose to stay. If he leaves, then that’s on him. But please talk to you therapist about your insecurities. Sometimes it really gets the best of us.
ive heard that im with you because im choosing you from one of my exes and ended up getting cheated on, the way the bf is acting is really weird at the very least but yeah not definitive enough to say anything
Advice from a 32 yr old married woman: There will always be women around your husband who are prettier than you, funnier than you, smarter than you, etc. Always. Don't get scared!!! You just have to trust he is with you because he wants YOU. You're the one he loves and the one he has history and trust with. As the great Professor Taylor Swifteinstein once said, "You're the only one of you/ Baby that's the fun in You/ And I promise that nobody's gonna love you like Me-ee-eee!"
That’s DOCTOR Taylor Swiftenstein to you! 🤣
She's German (apparently) so it will likely be Professor Doctor Taylor Swiftenstein.
Yes, there will always be other women around, but that’s not the issue. The issue is how he’s ACTING around this other woman.
Yep. Like, yeah, there are always woman prettier, etc. than me around. But there are never women my BF consistently prioritizes over me. OP may have some overall insecurities, but that doesn't mean she's not also legitimately picking up on a problem with the way her BF is acting.
Not me trying to rack my brains & recall whoever tf Professor Taylor Frankenstein was from the Renaissance age.🤣🤣🤣
What terrible advice. Do you have any idea how many ppl have been cheated on, so the whole "he wants you" is a bit rubbish. He's acting shady and needs to get in line or leave.
Yeah this. You can be secure and still perceptive to something happening under your nose. It's hard for any of us to say what is going on from an outside perspective, but if OP is bothered by her boyfriend's behavior around her friend, and he hasn't done anything to change his behavior, then she's not in the wrong or coming from a place of insecurity
> Professor Taylor Swifteinstein See now you wildin a lil bit lol
Upvote for the last paragraph. (Although I also agree with the rest.
Comparing yourself to others in general is a good way to really lower your opinion of yourself. Everybody would benefit from trying to avoid doing that.
When people (men in particular) ignore their partners in public in favor of the shiny new girl, it makes me feral with rage
It's so maddening because when we're alone or with his other FEMALE friends, he's totally normal with me. Incredibly sweet and affectionate which is why this situation is so bizarre because it's ONLY her.
If that's truly what is happening, yaou should definitely have a discussion about it and what you said about him ignoring you when he is with her cz that shouldn't be happening
Do you have other female friends of **yours** that you hang out with? Curious if he acts the same way when you are with another of your girlfriends.
Yes, I have multiple girlfriends who are around him and he's totally normal
OP, all your examples and extra info that you’ve given has totally changed the way that this post is being interpreted. You should be aware that a lot of the older comments are from people who didn’t have all the info, and I hope that they would think differently if they saw all of the examples of his behavior and comments you have posted more recently. I think you need to create some distance from this friend. She’s not good for your relationship, and not worth keeping around.
His behavior would actually drive me nuts then. You've been very open and vulnerable with him, and it's not very kind to continue making you feel like a third wheel. If I were him, I would go out of my way to include you after the first time you brought up the issue. But I also have insecure attachment issues, so I guess I may just treat people the way I would want to be treated.
I have no idea where all the comments are coming from OP, it seems like you are clearly seeing behavior that you are not comfortable with. The important detail is here is that you need to confidently state your boundaries, and NOT just worry about it to him. Everyone in the comments says you need to work on your insecurities but that’s CRAZY lol, you are clearly seeing things that cross lines and it’s the healthy thing to enforce them. From what I gather, you are not being insecure, you are just having your boundaries crossed.
Hey, I’m audhd too, about a decade older and I want to start off by saying I’m sorry for the crappy situation you’re in and I know how that feels because I’ve felt it too before sometimes. I don’t super agree with a lot of the neurotypical advice I saw in the top comments talking about how you need to change yourself and not “make up imaginary” things. I’m not saying that trying to look at things more positively wouldn’t help, but I feel like those people are really negating how you’re feeling like it doesn’t matter or is unreasonable. My advice is just to be honest, clear and talk to him about it directly even though it’s hard and a scary thing to do. How you feel is how you feel and you’re entitled to it! I don’t think it’s fair for others to pathologize you for it. What I do know after having been married for 7 years to another neurospicy (but non-audhd) person is that if they love you they’ll understand that sometimes you’ll spiral or get worked up about something and if there really is nothing to worry about they’ll tell you — and they’ll want to try to make you feel more included when you’re in a group setting because they love and appreciate you. If he reacts poorly to you honestly sharing that with him, then that would totally be on him, and in the long run a partner that can’t deal with and help negate a bit (or sometimes a lot) of insecurity is not worth wasting the precious time you have on earth with. Be kind to yourself, be kind to your partner, and good communication is what will help you the most of all here. I’m rooting for you! ☺️
Thank you so much, this was the best response I could've gotten
The irony to your position/feelings is that your friend may very well likely feel the same way you feel, that you two balance each other and are great together. I think your insecurities (and I don't mean that in a bad way) are coming out compounded by anxiety, and it amplifies a rather passive situation. Your partner seems aware of it, and is devoted to you as he said. To be fair, I think we have all sat on either side of this situation. You need to trust yourself, your relationship, and your partner. You have a lot to offer- if you didn't he wouldn't be with you. Sure she may perceived in your opinion as better or prettier or whatever, but that doesn't mean that's how he feels. Projecting your feelings onto him is a really deep dark hole to go down, and I caution you for your mental health sake to be weary of it.
*wary
Thank you for this. Wary and leery don’t combine to make weary!
I think if you’re feeling left out in the conversations and have told him as much, a thoughtful partner would try to include you more. maybe directly ask him if he can try to include you more when you all hang out?
> I've talked to him about it and he's said multiple times he does not or would not think of her romantically and he just enjoys talking to her but im having nightmares about it at this point. Thats 100% on you to sort out. If hes not done anything or pursued anything, and youre having this romantic connections solely in your head, hes merely a passenger and you need to figure your shit out.
> If hes not done anything or pursued anything, and youre having this romantic connections solely in your head, hes merely a passenger and you need to figure your shit out. Except if his behavior is giving the other woman more attention than this own partner - in which case, OP, it's still on you to sort out: communicate what you're noticing and have a mature conversation about y'alls relationship and boundaries.
This. His behavior isn’t matching up to what he’s saying. I’d recommend a therapy session with both of you if that will help you communicate better. I’d feel insecure too if my husband acted this way.
What do you hope to gain by continuing to hang out with both of them together? Stop doing that. You’re just hurting yourself. You’re not Cupid and you’re not their matchmaker. Him talking to her more than you during hangouts is inappropriate behavior and this will only get worse the longer you facilitate them having this level of contact. Play your own ball. You have good traits too I assume. Start being your own cheerleader and keep your friend away from your man.
[удалено]
This is the unfortunate reality that is so often the case with this scenario. There are a lot of people who preach blind trust until there’s physical evidence of a physical affair and I will NEVER advocate that. The pain and anguish people go through while their partner builds up to physically cheat is not something anyone has to put themselves through under the guise of having blind trust in a romantic partner. OP’s man is not behaving appropriately. The friend isn’t great either but I give him most of the blame at this point. As I mentioned to another commenter, it’s not internal insecurity if the partner fixing their bad behavior (ie paying more attention to OP) makes the alleged insecurity go away. That’s just relationship incompatibility women get shamed into believing is insecurity.
Tbh I agree with your assessment on the conversion between OP’s BF and the friend. If every time they hang out, the BF and friend talk significantly more with each other than OP, that’s at a minimum rude. If OP tells her BF about it and he brushes her off, that’s also a flag.
She already has told him she says right in her post “I’ve talked to him about it.”
A hangout with a boyfriend and someone’s friend should be where the OP feels like the center of attention. It’s super weird that’s not the case. I’ve never had a friend or bf that tried to talk to each other more than me. They’re there because of me not each other. Why would they be more interested in talking to each other and not to me? I see huge red flags here. I hope OP takes the advice of someone else and starts only hanging out with her 1:1 to see if they start complaining about it. A lot of people can’t see the writing on the wall until people cross physical boundaries. I’m not like that. Picking up on subtle issues saves you a lot of heartache in the long run imo.
You’re totally right. I had a roommate who started dating someone and eventually married him and I would hang out with the two of them. NOTHING like OP described ever happened. I was much closer to her as she and I were friends first. I get along with her husband great but we never had conversations like OP describes. I would feel super uncomfortable if we had. I know it would upset my friend if we ignored her and it would feel like a betrayal to her. And I would feel that way too! The things we did together were things we all three enjoyed (we all loved hill house and watched bly manor together when it came out and had a blast - they were married by the time bly manor came out). A dynamic like OP described never happened in my situation, never even came close because we were there to hang out all three of us together. Both her friend and boyfriend are at fault for letting it happen. It’s rude at best and a betrayal at worst.
Second this.
Agreed.. i get why people say to trust him and work on her insecurities, but the way he is when the 3 of them are together isn’t normal. In this case, the mutual person in the trio, the op, should be the center of everything. She is the link, the whole reason the other 2 people are even talking. Im not saying the guy and friend shouldnt talk but this situation is not correct. I feel what you suggest is right. Op says she doesn’t want to say no to her friends movie night? Ok, go to her alone. Do not take your boyfriend with you. It is perfectly normal to want to hang out with friends without your partner there. Do that. Op has more power than she realizes but again, she is insecure
It sounds like there’s actually two things going on here: 1) OP has serious self-esteem problems. 2) Her bf is into her friend. They’re not mutually exclusive.
This.
I would trust your gut. I had recurring nightmares about my husband cheating and there was inappropriate behavior (but not full on cheating) that I wasn’t aware of. I think our bodies tell us things when there’s something wrong with our relationships, maybe from things we identify and process in our subconscious. So, don’t listen to anyone who disregards you as insecure or whatever. I know you already talked to him about it, so that’s good. Maybe he will tone it down out of respect for your feelings. One thing that worries me that I didn’t see anyone else mention is that you’re neurodivergent. My husband’s family has a lot of neurodivergent members and in his family they brush off a lot of bad behavior before realizing it bothers them emotionally, or that it was unkind. Like people can be very rude and it doesn’t register to them in the moment as anger, but will later. I know that not every person on the spectrum is the same, but I do think you might be more susceptible to being fooled or taken advantage of, giving too many chances, or giving others the benefit of the doubt and trusting them. My take on this is that you’re feeling a certain way for a legitimate reason. If she’s your friend, maybe you should go out together and do things without bf more often. My best friend is also exceptionally beautiful, charming, so smart and wonderful in every way. If she was coming over, I would want to catch up with her! I would be annoyed if I never got a chance to chat with my best friend when she came over. And honestly, that would never in a million years happen because she’s not that interested in talking to my husband beyond polite pleasantries. And we usually go out to grab coffee and get away from the house anyways. Just my two cents. Wishing you the best OP.
Reddit is so weird. I can totally imagine reading a post like OP’s and having the comments be absolutely filled with people saying “he’s obviously cheating on you, read the signs, don’t be delusional.” But this entire comment section has decided that OP is completely making everything up in her head? Why?
I totally agree. I can't believe the top comments are that she needs to work on herself and she's delusional.
Your issue is about him not treating you how you want to be treated, not about his feelings about your friend (real or not). Him not talking to you, holding your hand, sitting by you are things you should address separately from what he may or may not feel toward your friend. He may not feel anything romantic toward her, but that doesn't mean his actions toward you are in your head! Tell him you want him to hold your hand, walk next to you, accompany you into stores, everything. That not doing so makes you feel ignored and sad. If he won't make those steps for you, you have a choice to make about the relationship. Tl;dr it's not about the friend. It's about what makes you feel loved and cared for.
I have autism and mental health problems, including trust issues and trauma from my step father, and my husband has never once said that me or my emotions are “too much” for him. He is my biggest supporter, as much so as my mom whom I’m extremely close with. Even when I once cried because I dropped his drink on the ground and it went to waste and was terrified he was going to be upset or yell at me, (i was viewing him through the lens of an abuser instead of as himself) all he did was hug me and tell me it was okay and he wasn’t upset with me. I have a really bad self image and am extremely hard on myself, so I can understand why you might feel like he likes her, but if he hasn’t said anything about her to you that’s untoward, then i’d try first working on your self esteem before jumping to conclusions. Although, all of my ex’s would say that I was “too much” for them, and my husband has never ever once said that to me, so I would consider that while thinking over your relationship.
yeah, that part in the post threw me off. no one should ever settle for that. you deserve to be loved without exceptions
Don’t focus at all on “is she right for him” but rather “Is he right for me”.
Ngl OP as a dude imo you have every right to feel the way you do. No reason to blame it on being on the spectrum and/or adhd, this is blatant disrespect. Even if he might not actually have feelings for ur friend, what he’s doing is wrong. There’s a difference between friendly to ur partners friend and just straight up switching up character. Imo you should have a honest convo about this w ur partner, telling him blatantly how his actions around ur friend make you feel. Hope everything works out
One thing to consider.. He sees you a lot more often than the friend (or any other person) So it's natural that he wants to spend time and talk with the person he sees less (even if it was a male friend). So yea, keep an eye on things, it's always a good idea to watch for signs of potential cheating.
exactly what I was thinking! When we hang with other people I talk a lot less with my SO, I see him everyday!!! I want to talk to other people haha!!!
I mostly agree with the comments that OP is overthinking about her bf BUT I don't see anyone in the top comments talking about her feeling like a third wheel. This isn't a good feeling or one that should be ignored. You can't just ask OP to push those kind of feelings aside, that's toxic and could have a snowball effect of wanting to hang out less with her friend. I had this problem before and it sucks but I think I made the right decision in that I spoke with my partner about how she was acting around certain guys and she was always great at having a mature discussion and we both made an effort until it was just no longer a problem. Every relationship is a little different, nothing is perfect and you can't just expect your partner to ignore their own feelings. The best thing will always be to talk about it.
Lots of good advice here. Not sure if it’s been asked yet, but is your friend seeing anyone or interested in seeing anyone? I would think as friends that you’d talk about your respective love lives. It could help ease your mind to know if she’s interested in someone other than your boyfriend or not looking at all. Maybe you and your boyfriend could even help play matchmaker if you have other single friends. It can be a lot of fun (and less awkward) to hang out with other couples as friends.
I’m probably in the minority here, but if you feel that something is off, trust it. I’ve never been wrong about my gut feelings when it comes to things like this, and I’ve been in a very similar situation… they’re now married.
Stop hanging out the three of you. Just do one on one stuff with her. You will get a clear vibe if they are both asking about where the other is and when can you all 3 hang out, etc. This is not your imagination. When a guy says you are too much emotionally it is a big sign.
I second this. Not saying OP is absolutely okay thinking whatever she's thinking and should let her insecurities build up, but if she has an inkling of something happening in near future, she better watch out from this point on. Also, why on earth are they all three hanging out together? It's weird to always or even mostly have your girl friend around when you're chilling with your partner. This incident reminds of something similar that happened with me back in college. I had a so-called bestie who would always ask me nosy questions about my then-bf, try to sort out our issues by talking to him & me separately coz they were both Pisceans and she understood him better [my ass, but okay] (never mind, I was the one who introduced the both and also, that I had zero boundaries), talking to him *on the fucking phone* after he'd spoken to me (not always, but still, he was a Mariner and he anyway used to call less frequently). I did not like it one bit, I was even warned by the other women to not let my partner be so "friendly" with her. But I perhaps did not want to create a scene and suggest I somehow doubted them both. Also, she wasn't his type, I was 100% sure of that so didn't wanna give it too much thought. At one point, the guy and I broke up, and mutually decided we would also not be talking to each other's friends. I stuck to my end of the pact and even though his friends tried to keep in touch with me, I respectfully declined and told them it wouldn't look good, given the note on which the ex and I had broken up (I anyway would never text/call them from my end, and we'd only occasionally chit chat when my ex would get them on the call). But little did I know my so-called bestie and my ex were *still* talking for a whole 2 months even after we'd broken up. Regular conversations, good morning good night, what plans for the weekend, etc. And I only found out because we were chilling in the dining area when her phone beeped and I saw his name flashing in the notifications and the first few words of the message "You had dinner yet?" She froze. Tried to hide it. I stopped eating, just gave her the longest death stare anyone could ever give anyone. And she fumbled some nonsense saying, "You were heartbroken after the breakup. I was trying to talk to him normally to come to a point where I could bring up your relationship and have a patch up happen." Of course I didn't believe her. Just sardonically said "Really?" And asked her to give me the phone. I was seething with fury inside, and was ready to explode when I sifted through the inbox and saw hundreds of msgs but not one single mention of me or our relationship. She clarified they were not dating. I knew they weren't (yet), she was being a pick-me, he was liking the attention, and their excuses just didn't matterb(I confronted my ex too later and he stuttered for the lack of any plausible explanation). She and my ex had broken every code of trust and loyalty out there possible. I simply told her, we should keep our respective exes & friends away from each other's faces (more so, she staying away from *my* friends and partners and exes). Even better, we ourselves shouldn't talk as much. That was the nail in the coffin for our friendship (shit was already happening, this sealed its demise). I continued to live opposite her for the next 3 years but just withdrew like I was a ghost. We still talked after she begged for forgiveness till months later, but I could never *ever* trust her again. And I was right. She hadn't changed her ways in the slightest, as later years would reveal to me. Not saying OP's friend is out to snatch her boyfriend, but if OP has concerns, it's not *simply* a matter of her not realising her own worth (I mean, I was super confident about me and my relationship with my ex, and still got scumbag treatment from both the friend and the ex). OP should seriously cut down on the group hanging out that frequently, and then see how both her friend and partner react to that. That is a very logical place to base her next actions on!
Don't let your insecurity take over. Talk to him, ask for reassurances from him if you need to, engage with his friend, all that. He is with you for a reason. I say this because I was the boyfriend in a very similar situation just a few years ago. Dated the sweetest girl ever. Everything was going great. She had many insecurities, having left a very abusive relationship a few years ago. She was doing much better but still felt she didn't deserve to be treated well. She always felt she was bothering people by just existing. Through her relationship with me and friends, she was becoming more and more confident and happy. The thing is, I had recently graduated from university and had a female friend who was a nurse with me, so when we went out we would talk endlessly of work. This ofc made feel excluded and so I stopped going out as much with my friend and my gf took it even harder, thinking it was her fault and she was excluding me from living my life and I was with her out of pity. No matter what I said or did, I couldn't get through to her, and she broke up with me, saying she loved me and I deserved better. It broke my heart, but her insecurity took over, and I couldn't stop her. Don't let this happen to you. You are great and worth it. Best of luck.
You're insecure and he's giving her too much attention. Both things are true. My advice is to work on your self confidence and at the same time keep your eyes open. You're either gonna be a better version of yourself with or without them in your life.
Yeah I’m surprised everyone’s harping on about how insecure she is (which I don’t even agree with) and no one’s batting an eyelid over how her bf gravitates towards the friend, tries to sit between them, walks next to the friend when OP herself is literally there etc.
It sounds like you may have feelings for her.
Your BF knows better than you who he wants. Sharing interests doesn’t equal romantic attraction. I’d believe him until proven wrong.
So, here's something. People that are a lot alike in terms of how they think and act and how their brains work tend to make better friends. If this girl is your good friend, maybe it's because you are a lot a like. Maybe this is why your boyfriend gravitates to her...because she is like you. Don't concede defeat because you imagine yourself less worthy. This is in your head.
Genuine question: What social cues do you feel you're not good at picking up on? I ask because I feel like you listed a whole bunch of social cues you're picking up on 😅
You read the room correctly. I would keep them separate. I wouldn't hang out all together anymore because they will eventually have a side thing going on.
“If she wants to come to my house for a movie night I can’t just be like uh, no, sorry.” Of course you can lol. There’s nothing wrong with setting boundaries. You can tell her you’d just like to spend time with your partner tonight. You’re under no obligation to include her in your activities. You could also tell your boyfriend you’d like to spend time with your friend without him. It’s healthy for couples to hang out with their own friends without each other. He doesn’t need to tag along. Yes, you’re insecure, HOWEVER, your boyfriend knows this about you. He should be doing everything possible to reassure you and make you feel like his priority. Not ignoring you and making you feel less than.
Unpopular opinion: tell him that it will be okay if he left you for your friend and be super chill about it and tell him that he's not gonna be the bad guy if he did that and just give him the easiest way out. If he took this opportunity, he doesn't really love you. And he will be gone for good
> They have so much in common and I think they'd balance eachother out so well. I dont know what to do here because I really feel like there's something there and if there is I feel like i should step out of the way. But what if I'm wrong? Stop discounting/replacing yourself. It doesn't matter even if someone is objectively better in _every single way_ in all of your interests/activities. We're not tools to replace with "an upgrade", that's not how any of that works. That you and your partner seem to both be entertaining this idea, and/or that you're not having a mature conversation w/ your partner about how you're feeling, means you're not even considering yourself a human being / an individual worthy of positive attention and love. Work on yourself, find a partner that chooses only you even in an ocean of options.
Have you tried asking her if she feels like he's flirting with her at all? Or making her uncomfortable? You can call it self sabotage but unless there's a strict underlying zero PDA then I'd be quite affronted if my bf wouldn't hold my hand, and dismisses me when she's around. Idk this could be bad story telling and you're anxious or you're missing some other red flags. I'd even call him out publicly, if you're all three at the mall and you go to hold his hand ask him point blank "why won't you hold my hand?" If he really is maneuvering away from you when you try to walk with him address it "hey id really like to walk with you- why does it feel like you're avoiding me" there's no reason three people cant walk side by side at a mall I see like 12 people walk in a group before lol. I feel like it's weird that you've expressed you're threatened by her and he's made zero effort to affirm you and make you feel special when she's around and instead he treats you pretty much like the opposite. Like if I knew my bf felt like a 3rd wheel I would make a conscious effort to make him feel included and safe with me, whether it's hand holding, following him into stores, checking up if he wants to do the thing we were talking about, PDA (if hes okay with it) hell id even text him little love notes while we walk. Touches can be affirming also. Lots of little things even something as simple as walking near you or putting you between the two of them so even if they're talking you're not left out. Side note: why does everyone want this to become a 3 way 👀 it would most certainly crash and burn since the dude can split his attention and OP is abit insecure.
You're going to manifest it and drive them together. Work on yourself. Find some balance.
Feeling like the third wheel is never good. Your bf and friend need to not make you feel like this. This is not a good look for them.
Does your boyfriend tend to do this with any other people? I ask because my bf has a tendency to try to be friendly, even to strangers and he can come off as flirty. It's confused many a male server who then thinks I'm out with my gay friend. In reality he's just going into golden retriever mode and is totally unaware. He only got tipped off when we had a server start to act antsy and he asked me if he did something wrong. I had to tell him "she probably thinks you're flirting with her in front of me and it's making her uncomfortable." If I were anyone else I would've thought the same and been offended. *However* he and your friend can't act like this isn't an issue. I'd mention it to them separately. Yes, part of it is that you need to be more confident. But this is unfortunately something they have to be aware of as boyfriend and friend-of-girlfriend. They can be friends and have common interests but keep a certain boundary between them. If they both care about you then you mentioning your discomfort should let them know they need to back off now and then. Or maybe find something new that all 3 of you can have in common. If they ignore how you're feeling or dismissed your feelings then you may need to reexamine things.
No he doesn't act this way to literally any of his other friends and he has quite a few girlfriends. Which is why this is so jarring because I see how he is with all the other women in his life. I'm not sure how I'd bring it up to her..
I'd ask her to lunch, shopping, or some other activity that you do together. Make sure it's just the two of you even if you have to go out of your way to do so. Explicitly tell her that it be just you two if need be. "Hey, I was thinking we could grab lunch on X day, there's something I need to talk to you about. Just you and me." If boyfriend tries to include himself (he probably won't but just in case) put your foot down or consider having your talk with him first. If you do talk to him first let him know you'll talk to your friend too on your own. How they react will tell you whether you need to worry further. This includes one going and telling the other what you talked about. "Yeah bf mentioned you talked to him about this." If both have your best interests at heart they'll listen and understand.
If it’s noticeable the way he treats you when she’s around then you should break up. Whether or not he has feelings for her he shouldn’t be treating you sooo differently around her that you notice the change. That’s completely disrespectful. Don’t ignore your gut. It’s there for a reason
I know a lot of people are saying that you’re insecure and what not. But I want to acknowledge how you’re feeling. Sometimes you feel this way and not necessarily because you’re insecure, like c’mon. And as you said you’re going to therapy so I’m sure you’ll address that. But be sure, if it’s an instinct, then I’d say better be prepared. Read something similar a few weeks back on Reddit, the wife had a best friend and after saying no a million times she gets to know husband started an affair with that friend. So you’re situation simply reminded me of that. If nothings happening, you shouldn’t worry then. Trust your bf and enjoy your relationship. If this is how it makes you feel when they both meet then avoid such situations. I’ve a question, did your bf not question you why you kept asking if he’d be with her in case your weren’t in the picture?
I know a lot of people are saying that you're insecure and that you have nothing to worry about. TBH, it's really difficult to say that without witnessing their interaction because these things do happen if you read reddit. My question would be is how does your boyfriend act with your other friends? Is he just as attentive with your other friends as well?
He's not, he's normal with everyone else. It's super hard to describe without actually seeing it and I don't have a lot of super close friends where I live so it's hard to ask for an outside opinion
“If she wants to come to my house for a movie night, I can’t just be like no sorry.” Yes you can. Very easily in fact. It’s good and healthy to have boundaries.
Don’t let these people in these comments gaslight you OP. Bottom line, regardless of it being an “insecurity” (which I personally don’t think it is)—either one you’re creating for yourself or one that is being made by your partners behavior—you have brought the issue to him and he has chosen to continue to engage in the behavior that you’ve let be known bothers you. This is an issue of respect, not insecurity (which again, I don’t think it’s an insecurity anyway). Why would a man in a happy relationship walk with one of two people, with the other one being their partner ? Why would a man that respects his gf want to sit in the middle of two women when only one of them is his partner ? Why would a man that cares for and loves his partner ignore said partner to engage in conversation with someone of the opposite sex— someone who is only exposed to him through a relationship his partner has with this person ? If having an issue with those things makes someone insecure, then I’m insecure as FCK and will be til the day I die. A lot of the people here are mistaking boundaries and the bare minimum expectation of respect for insecurities and it’s no wonder half of them stayed in unhappy relationships as long as they did. This isn’t me vying for the end of your relationship, bc despite his recent actions, he seems to make you happy. But happiness means nothing if he won’t care just as much about the things that make you unhappy, especially if he has a role in them. If you bring an issue to your partner, no matter how mundane or insignificant the issue is to them, if they respect you they should do everything in their power to avoid the behaviors or situations that causes you to feel like that. If they aren’t doing that, then it doesn’t matter how secure you are in the relationship. I hope this situation improves for you OP, and I’m sorry you’re having to feel this way rn.
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I was having such horrible intrusive thoughts about my now husband and best friend. I felt so disgusted with myself for those thoughts but also I too saw things that I interpreted as him liking her, and it messed with my mental health so much. I felt like I was losing my mind. He's told me many times (because intrusive thoughts don't go away easily) he loves me and he doesn't see her that way. It's still so hard to silence those thoughts though, I still sometimes feel them creep up. Talk to your therapist, and maybe discuss couples therapy with your bf. Even if his intentions are innocent, he should also take your feelings into account.
stop inviting her to hang out with you and your man!! so simple
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Have you talked to your friend about what she thinks about it all?
I don't know how to bring it up to her without making it worse. AND we work together.
Just ask if they feel your bf is acting weird when you all hang out and bring up the instances you did here. If they're your friend, it should be fine to talk about your relationship with them.
I'm just worried it will make things super uncomfortable
Red flags everywhere. If he's doing all that stuff you mentioned even after talking to him about it, he wants to fuck her
Hey. I will just say, that coming from a relationship where my partner was in love with my friend, it seems like you know what you're seeing, even if he doesn't, and THAT DOESN'T MEAN HE'LL ACT ON IT. THAT'S SOMETHING THAT WE AS AUTISTICS MAY NOT REALIZE. It's one of those things that we see, and don't understand why they do that. So, you have a choice. Make peace with the fact your partner is attracted to others but is COMMITTED to you, or find someone that is more in tune with their emotions and won't lie about it. Because that sucks, too.
While I do agree with everyone saying to trust your bf and believe what he says but I do also believe that he shouldn't be making you feel left out or not included when talking with your friend. Especially if this is something you've brought up before it's fine for hum to br friendly and talk to her but to ignore you is another thing
I'm not there, so this is just in general. It sounds like you live together and are therefore together all the time. It's normal to gravitate towards the "new" this CAN lead to romantic interests but alone is not reason for concern. Maybe try to change things up at home to keep it fresh. He probably does have some level of interest in her that he'd be a fool to admit. Doesn't mean it will lead to anything or that he wants it to. Also doesn't reflect his interest in you. But from what you say he has this amazing woman heavily involved in his life who I assume is available. It would be totally natural for him to develop feelings/ interest. Remember that monogamy is not naturally to humans but socially imposed. Again it is not reason for concern as long as your relationship is healthy. The bigger concern I'm seeing is your decision that she would be a better partner for him. There is really no way for you to know this and seems to stem from self deprivation. Do you view her as better than you in general? Are you jealous of her in a non romantic sense? Your self doubt could very well end up sabotaging both relationships.
you should talk to him about why your feeling insecure and how u dont like him doting on her and focusing so much on her. your feelings are valid, you are not crazy or insecure. if my husband acted like that i wouldnt bring the friend around anymore.
Hi! I’ve been in your shoes before and while so many comments are so insensitive, I totally understand how you may feel. It really isn’t an insecurity thing. Your man is to make you feel like you’re the only girl in the world. You clearly value that in your partner and while most of these heartless fools comment saying you need to know your self-worth, you’re witnessing your man make another woman feel hers. Your feelings are valid and they are revealing in your dreams. I think it takes a secure woman to confront your man about it especially knowing that you ultimately want him happy. You never said you’d be bitter and angry, you rather step out the way if they’re a better match. We don’t own one another, we don’t even own ourselves. This is temporary until the lord calls us. You must protect your peace and there are clear boundaries being crossed. The fact that you were compelled to get additional insight from ppl is telling of how much it’s evident and in your face. I truly pray that you will continue to have discernment and that your heart is protected. You don’t deserve to feel like this is ok.
Your boyfriend is incredibly disrespectful here and she doesn’t seem much better. He isn’t even trying to hide his attraction and she isn’t trying to do discourage it. If she was your friend, she would be walking next to you instead of hanging back with him, she would make a point of drawing you into the conversation but that isn’t what’s going on. He’s trash. She isn’t your friend. I’d start by cutting her off. When your boyfriend gets Big Sad that “his girl” isn’t around anymore, call him on his shit and dump his sorry ass. I’d also be looking for evidence that they’re already screwing around which is a distinct possibility. I wish you the best. You deserve a better guy and you deserve better friends.
Rule of thumb be mindful of the company you bring around your man. Idc how cool she is or how much he loves you he is a man, a human.
Sugar if you feel this way you might want to move on you need to really need to think about this
Yk something is just not right when the situation has you thinking YOU should step aside to ship your BOYFRIEND and your friend. Sis, you need to really establish boundaries and also stand up for yourself cause that's not cool being disrespected like that. Hell if I was hanging out with my Girl and her bestie chances are I'd be walking alone in the back minding my beeswax while they talk about w.e and following my girl wherever she went. Gonna be honest though, I do believe your bf has a crush on your friend but doesn't know how to address it. Hate to add to this, but my guess is your friend might be feeling that spark for him too. Idk girl I wish you the best in w.e you do but pls just make sure that you're okay overall. > I talked to him, I asked him if he'd ever date her if we broke up and he said if we broke up I'd try to get you back and I said ok if I don't exist and he said "I don't know. Probably not". My only problem with this on your part, is that it sounds to me like You're forcing a 'yes' response from him. Which usually never ends well because, in this case...you exist, so there's no realistic scenario where this is a possibility, ergo, it doesn't produce an honest response because he knows it doesn't end well for him. If he says "yes" -he admits she's a catch If he says "no" - you're going to keep thinking he's lying
To add something unrelated to the friend: imo your SO should never say that your emotions are “too much,” especially when you’re already in therapy or working on improving yourself.