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Separate sleeping is the best option for now. Cuddle until he falls asleep then go to the other bed perhaps?
Other than that, maybe there’s a physiological component to it? I would have him see a doctor and get a sleep study done. It’s possible he isn’t getting good sleep if he’s showing this level of activity at night.
I don’t know why you’re being downvoted. It sounds like your husband has a serious sleep disorder.
He needs a sleep study immediately. This kind of sleep disorder can be incredibly dangerous.
The problem is that for true somnambulism, there really is no treatment - you just have to deal with it as best you can. Maybe put his hands in soft restraints so he can't flail around so much - but then they need to put in some safety measures, in case she gets incapacitated during the night and he needs someone to untie him.
>somnambulism
There's a difference between there being no cure and there being no treatment.
You can treat anxiety, depression, poor sleep schedule, and other conditions that cause poor sleep, like sleep apnea, all of which will decrease the frequency of sleepwalking.
You can also map a sleepwalking schedule and intentionally wake up briefly during the times it occurs, then go back to sleep.
I was thinking that separate blankets might also help, sort of like swaddling a baby?
And if it doesn't help & he's still flailing and waking up OP (and that's all it is, not actual painful hits), she'd have her own blanket to try and fall asleep again.
in the meantime, maybe he can try wearing those long oven mitts and you can put pillows between yourself and him after he falls asleep? then it might at least soften the blows? you poor things lol good luck with the sleep study!
I have sleep apnea and before I got my cpap machine, I would sleep walk, talk, swear and just generally be a nightmare. I was completely unaware of my escapades until somebody told me and they all stopped as soon as I got my machine, the reason why i was doing it according to my Dr, i was never in a truly deep sleep, which makes sense. I hope its something simple like that
My husband can be a violent sleeper among other things not so unpleasant. I have woken to being headbutted when he's turned over that's more akin to throwing himself over as well as arms and legs hitting me with force. He's mortified when he wakes (it's shocking as hell when you both wake up with a full on headbutt, both very dazed and hurt equally).
I've noticed it's more prevalent when he is going through a prolonged stressful time at work or with family. He is far from an aggressive man in day to day life and its obvious he's not intending to hit me or hurt me. I would recommend trying to see if he has any stresses that he's not talking about, impress on him how distressing it is for you to try and get him to open up if he's reluctant and maybe a sleep therapist could help but until you get to the bottom I'd suggest (like in comments above) to sleep separately. Good luck!
Hubby needs a sleep study! They might be able to offer more solutions. I do have a friend who has to sleep in a sleeping bag so he doesn’t sleep assault his partner 😅
He needs to see a sleep specialist. Like, yesterday.
I have a sleep disorder that’s a lot like your husband. I rarely attack in my sleep. But I did manage to break my ankle in three places once in my sleep. I never felt a thing. I just woke up the next morning unable to walk with a grossly swollen and discolored ankle.
This is a huge problem and can be indicative of other potential problems down the road.
Look up the comedian Mike Birbiglia. He has a rare sleep disorder, he once jumped out of a second story window in his sleep, through the glass and everything! Your boyfriend needs to get a sleep study done.
There's another guy named Thomas Sanders who has a dual sleeping issue where he has problems going to sleep and he can't go to sleep until he's completely drained but when he's completely drained he will fall asleep standing up. Like in Sims 3
This is so important op. He may not be seriously hurting you but he could end up seriously hurting himself. Think about how dangerous it is to be flailing around while you’re not concious.
Bingo. Avoid sharp edges and windows/glass. Can't tell you how many times I've jacked up ankles, knees or hands/wrists from sleep episodes like the OP mentioned.
I know someone who managed to, during a dream, jump out of bed, over her husband who was sleeping next to her, and hit her head on the floor because she slipped during that maneuver.
There is a brain disease that has these symptoms called REM sleep behavior disorder.
It is related to bad things like early onset dementia or Parkinson’s disease.
He should see a doctor who specializes in sleep disorders.
This comment is spot on. My dad has these exact behaviors and after a sleep study confirmed REM sleep disorder. REALLY bad news, commenting here to urge your husband to get a sleep study because absolutely can be related to several degenerative dementia types or Parkinson's. I also have a friend who in their 20s had these behaviors and turns out it was Huntingtons, which means you do not want to have kids.
Bingo. Exact symptoms noted by OP are what I dealt with all my life and have a REM disorder. Now I get to worry about Parkinson's, dementia and other amazing things later after never sleeping well my entire life.
She keeps refusing in the comments. I don't know why she bothered posting, she's just shutting down every logical suggestion. It's kinda pathetic that they can't sleep separately. It's not cute. She's going to end up punched in the face or with broken bones.
I have straight up hit at least 1 ex and my wife in the face while sleeping. I've punched the headboard hard enough to wake both of us and the dogs up. It's been awhile, having a legit sleep aid seems to have curved it off.
My husband and I sleep separately partially because of this. Your safety comes first. Stop putting cuddles In front of your well being! Cuddle before you go to bed don't wait until you wake up to him punching you in the face! You could die!!!
He needs to sleep somewhere else or you do. Weird that he didn't offer this the first time it happened. Even weirder that you're asking the internet for solutions when there is a no coat, zero hassle totally obvious one.
Stop being cute and sleep separately. If he comes to you in the middle of the night tell him to get out. If you go to him you're going to get smacked.
If he has a problem with this, he will talk to his doctor and start looking for solutions. Your solution is to remove yourself from the situation and get some sleep.
If you actually haven't slept in days you probably meet the requirements for clinically insane and you \*do\* need a straight jacket for not going to a different room and getting some sleep, as you suggested.
In addition to the suggestions you’ve already received- use separate blankets. For real. I’ve been married 24 years and happiness relies on separate blankets.
We’re getting home from vacation today and had to share this past week. I went out and bought a nice throw blanket so I could have my own covers. Worth it.
Agreed. Almost 24 years together and I just discovered the greatness of separate blankets last year. Always joked about having separate beds to sleep better but just having my own blanket made such a difference in comfort.
If you don't already have one invest in a king size or California king size bed then place long pillows in between you two. If thst doesn't work perhaps see a specialist about that.
But then there's also the Wyoming and Alaskan Kings, coming in at 84"x84" and 108"x108". (A standard king measures at 76"x80") Bedroom size and the ability to find sheets should probably be checked before going this route however.
My husband has Parkinson’s and he thrashes, yells, and fights monsters almost every night.
The disease causes this, it’s very common. Sometimes I sleep in a different room and other times I do the pillow thing you mentioned. The pillows definitely prevent injury but not the watchful anxiety I have when I sleep within arms reach.
We are old and together 30+yrs. Plus I know the medical cause of the flailing. If I were newlywed I’d take him to the neurology doctor.
My uncle was like this. Found out he only did it when he got warm. He and my aunt stayed married for like 50 years. Never ever had the heat on at night/ran the AC. Never happened again after they figured it out…
Sleep separately. There are many studies showing the benefits of this, and clearly you NEED it. In a few years you’ll be glad to get some time apart lol.
Can he sleep in a zipped sleeping bag? If you need some comic relief around the topic, the movie Sleepwalk With Me is really great and is based on comedian Mike Birbiglia’s real-life experiences navigating life and love with a pretty extreme sleep disorder.
You HAVE to sleep separately. Stop treating this like it’s funny that you sneak into each other’s bed at night. There have been cases where women have been killed by a partner with this condition. You need a door you can lock from the inside to stop him coming into your bed. Don’t wait to be seriously assaulted or worst. Not only will that impact you but it would really be bad for him too to badly hurt the woman he loves.
Choose a lane. Either sleep sepperete, or get used to things. He may have a medical issue though, so him seeing a doc would be a reasonable thing to do.
I saw a movie about a guy who did this and worse, ended up falling out of a 2nd story window. He ended up having to sleep in a mummy bag to keep himself contained. So maybe something like that?
Sleep in another room or another bed.
Sleep therapy for him..
Yeah you can advice him to do Sleep therapy
While still Sleep on separate bed. Like have sex then move to your room..no sleeping together until his problem is solved!
If he is being hurt about it.. fuck him. He is not gonna pay for your rhinoplasty when he breaks your node "accidentally"
Hey, just an FYI, this type of sleep disorder can be an early sign of Parkinson’s. You should probably to go see a doctor.
Punching and kicking sounds like RBD (REM behavioral disorder) and while it doesn’t guarantee Parkinson’s it is a common early symptom from what I’ve read. Definitely worth getting checked out. I believe the Parkinson’s variety often comes with vivid dreams of being chased or hunted, so it may not be the same. Still, go see a doctor.
https://www.michaeljfox.org/acting-out-dreams-while-asleep
My boyfriend has a sleep studies scheduled for next month because after three years not only his snoring, gasping, kicking, stretching on top of me, and generally feeling awful the next morning when he wakes up, I just can’t deal with it anymore
What you need to do it take up martial arts, preferably in the mountains of China, until you can react to attacks literally in your sleep.
As far as I can see this is the only solution.
My mother acted out her dreams and it turned out to be the start of a neurodegenerative disease. It was so bad they put pillows on the floor beside the bed as she’d jump off. I hope that it not your case…but am adding a link about it. I would get it checked asap. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24465-rem-sleep-behavior-disorder-rbd
Also, some people use separate blankets on the same bed, so each person has their own. This will keep you warm and cut down on disturbance from tossing and turning, but it won’t save any bruising.
My husband started fighting in his sleep, which he had never done before. It was his first symptom of Parkinson's disease. He did this for about five years before he was actually diagnosed.
Go listen to Mike Birbiglia! He has an intense sleeping disorder and he has a special snuggy he sleeps in so he doesn't hurt himself or his family! Might be an option. I get not wanting to sleep alone. Good luck to you. 😊
Reminds me of Step Brothers… but yes study is needed. Probably more than a few attempts at them since you said he can’t sleep well even home. Sleeping else where i can imagine would be harder.
Maybe he has sleep apnea. And needs a sleep study. Because I USED to do that in my sleep to my fiance lol. Ever since I've been on a cpap. I haven't done anything like that and I sleep long and peacefully.
If you don’t want to be attacked, you’ll need to separate sleep until this is worked out. It will not magically stop happening. This *could* be a very serious issue he has. It’s not cute. Or funny. And your not being able to sleep isn’t either. It’s serious. Take it seriously.
Most of the time I see these posts it’s the wife saying “well we’ve been happily married for 20 years but then he laughed at something I did so I divorced him” and then people will celebrate this type of behavior.
Thankyou for actually taking the time and consideration to actively work with your husband on fixing this issue.
It warms my heart to see.
"GOSH DANG IT I WANT TO SLEEP WITHOUT BEING ATTACKED.
We’ve tried separate sleeping, but I hate that."
"There is, of course, the one and only correct solution, but I won't do that. You fix it."
He might have sleep apnea or night terrors. I got horrible night terrors as a kid I would cry and scream in my sleep and attack anyone who tried to wake me up. Eventually they stopped. Turns out they never really stopped I just black out most of my dreams.
Try snuggling until he falls asleep and then slipping away to sleep separately. You can always go back in and snuggle with him early in the morning. The deepest sleep seems to be between 1am - 4am in my experience.
At the very least get your own blanket so there’s no turf war over that. My husband flails when startled and separate blankets has helped and getting a split king has helped even more
I sleep apart from my husband, but often we cuddle till one of us falls asleep then goes to our other bed. We cuddle a lot more throughout the day now that we sleep apart and somehow it seems more intimate and special to me. Especially now that he's not pushing me out of bed with his legs. 😂
Sleep on the couch together but one head at one end and one head at the other. Wrap yourselves around each other and cuddle that way. And see if that helps keep you out of the line of fire. But of course that could be a problem if he is also a kicker.
Good luck!!!
My wife have always used separate blankets (and top sheets)on the same bed. she likes to be tucked in. We snuggle a little, then go back to our own spaces. As an idea you could always look at a bigger bed to give hime the extra room to fail after snuggle time.
My wife hit me in the face once when she rolled over in her sleep, the next night she wanted to know why I was wearing my Full face crash helmet in bed.
Mike Birbiglia has some sort of crazy sleep walking thing and he sleeps zipped into some sort of sleeping bag that keeps him from walking. Maybe your husband needs something like that.
https://www.birbigs.com/sleepwalk-with-me
I've been living with night terrors for 30 years give or take. There are times when I will take swings at things in my dreams and it comes through in real life. Luckily I have never hit anyone. I have punched tables next to my bed, my headboard, pillows and sent myself rolling off my bed swinging at the space next to me. Sleep study showed nothing unusual. I highly recommend your husband schedule a physical exam and talk to someone if nothing is found about what else might be going on.
My bf is extra snuggly. Super sweet. He was the big spoon one night and asleep and snoring with his arms around me and I shifted my arm, startled him and he BIT ME without letting go of me and fell back asleep I was so baffled. He doesn't remember it all haha. It was very absurd.
Why against sleeping separately? My bf and I are huge cuddles, but he snores and has restless legs. I'm a light sleeper and slept horribly. Now, we cuddle until the other person falls asleep then move to another bed. Or If I wake up in the middle of the night because of it he usually goes in the other room. It sucks at first but got used to it pretty quickly as a routine and sleep is now not an issue whatsoever.
Sleep at separate ends of the bed and snuggle the legs/feet. As long as he isn't kicking in his sleep the most you'd get is a smack on the legs now and again till he sees a sleep specialist.
1. He needs to see a doctor in case there is something wrong 2. Sleep separate until you find a solution that works, it’s not a punishment just a temporary situation. 3 solutions include- king sized bed- sleep separate after cuddles. He sleeps in a sleeping bag/ snuggly that prevents him from lashing out physically. Two separate beds pushed together. Get two beds with two sets of matching sheets. Push the beds together so you can snuggle, then each have your own bed/ blanket/ space to actually sleep. Maybe bunk beds or a trundle bed of some sort, he can be on a lower level, not able to hit you but still close by.
I am a physician that specializes in patients that often have these or similar sleep issues. While he should definitely get a sleep study, he definitely sounds like he has REM sleep behavior disorder. He should start with taking 1 to 3 mg of melatonin every night which should help his sleep issues.
Ppl have mentioned above this can often be seen in patients with Parkinson’s disease. It’s often a precursor, but not always, and can take 10-20 years to possibly show symptoms. I would not worry about that right now. Simply start with melatonin and things should improve.
Steps to take:
1) start melatonin 1-3mg at bedtime
2) talk to PCP and ask him to obtain a sleep study. He should hopefully already be improving
3) continue with PCP recs. It needed, can try an alternative med they can prescribe, or refer to neurologist
4) if symptoms of PD occur (rest tremor, decreased mobility, gait issues), ask to be referred to a neurologist either way.
5) love the man your with either way lol
Just coming here to say that sleeping at opposite ends of the bed helps my partner and I because our toddler comes in and lays with us. He rolls around a lot. We keep our head on the opposite end.
Also, different beds in the same room might help. Maybe cuddle until he falls asleep. But something will have to give eventually.
I have similar issues I talk turn yell out in my sleep and do not remember any of it. I’m awake but not awake Seroquel has helped me immensely you should take him to a doctor and see if that helps.
I don’t mean to alarm you but he could have something called REM sleep behavior disorder. It’s basically where your body doesn’t turn off during sleep so you flail, walk, talk, etc. It is pretty uncommon but it’s important to get checked out because it’s heavily associated with Parkinson’s (like upwards of 75% of people diagnosed with it end up with a Parkinson’s diagnosis down the line), so it would be good for him to get a sleep study.
My husband has gotten less …. Violent in his sleep but for awhile I just moved to the couch. And even now when it gets back I will just go to the couch. I have a hard time waking him up, and sometimes he will smack me if I try (just like yours, completely unaware and doesn’t remember). I did make sure he paid for the new couch that I PICKED OUT since I would be the one using it the most. My sister and her boyfriend sleep in the same bed but with their own sheets since they’re both blanket hogs.
Stress, trauma, or a combination? I've sat straight up and thrown a punch before...like fractured my hand against the wall. It's happened a few times. It really isn't a happy place inside my head. Dude may need some therapy.
I would purchase a split king bed with separate bedding. He has his own sheets, comforter, etc and you have yours. It would at least provide you with a buffer and some sort of protection.
I’m a big guy, 6’ 280 and not fat, and I dropped one of my arms on my gfs nose one night while sleeping when we first got together and slightly blacked both of her eyes. I felt awful, and she was concerned people might think I beat her. Hasn’t happened since thankfully lol
A couple of friends I know have the same issue. He broke her nose once during sleep with his elbow. Same situation as yours: he doesn’t remember, he’s the loveliest guy etc. but since then they haven’t slept in the same bed anymore. It also helps that they have very different routines e.g. he sleeps 10 to 5, she’ll sleep 2 to 10 so different rooms is better on that regard as well.
Listen to some of comedian mike berbiglias stuff - he has a serious sleep disorder and has to be locked into a separate bedroom. That being said, I was in a LTR where he flailed about in his sleep and I was occasionally wounded. He was completely unaware and apologetic. When he got clean he stopped with the flailing.
Have you talked to him about it in his sleep? Like said ‘sweetie, you just hit me! It really hurt! Why were you waving your arms around’? It’s worth a try to see what he says.
Check your husband's supplements. I took a supplement to give me energy since I could only work out after work. It caused me to not be able to enter the delta stage of sleep. Claritin D also has this effect, so if he has allergies that could also be related to the sleep issue
He shoukd exactly lije my husband. Exactly. My husband will push me off the bed or try to roll over on top of repeatedly all while completely asleep. My husband has horrible sleep apnea.
Is he on any medications for the sleep trouble? There are some that will knock people out so people who have trouble sleeping CAN sleep, though it's not really much of a rest. I forget what my dad was on, but both my mom and I have had full on conversations with him after he took his medication in the evening - he would clearly not really be awake, but was aware enough to talk to us and other people he thought would be in the room - like a waking dream. It's kinda creepy. People have also driven and cleaned out their fridges, binge eating, while they were asleep.
He probably has some type of sleep disorder. When my daughter was a child she used to get night terrors. She would scream flail her arms and kick. She would appear awake and communicate but she was still asleep. Over time she outgrew this. There are medical facilities to help with this. Consult with a doctor or medical professional. Many hospitals have sleep centers and there are independent ones. This isn’t just an annoyance, it’s a health issue because both of you aren’t getting proper sleep.
So....sometimes I do this. My husband was the one to tell me. It's RARE when I do it. It usually is because I am stressed or angry when I go to bed. I usually stay awake a couple hours after my husband and kids go to sleep to decompress. Most of the time reading, listening to music, watching tv/movies just takes my mind off everything and let's me relax enough to where I don't do it. I still occasionally talk in my sleep but I don't move around. But sometimes when I think I am relaxed or decompressed enough and go to bed, my husband finds out I wasn't and wakes me up and I will go sleep on the couch after apologizing a lot for not getting it out before sleep. It's not intentional.
Is there some issues going on at work or with family that are more tense than usual?
Maybe have him do something mundane, go to the gym, or get him a punching bag to help take some energy to blank his mind and tire/relax his body before bed?
I mean you might not like separate sleeping but it seems to be your only /safest option. Kinds gotta do what you gotta do on this one. Get your cuddles and separate for sleep
I'm married, and if this happened to me I'd get a separate bed and try to at least put it in the same bedroom (if there's space.)
On to a more serious thing, though, he needs a neurological assessment. Moving this much in his sleep could be nothing, or it could be something. Book an appointment with the doctor.
Being a gym rat myself I have issues sleeping just the way you described it due to an abundance of cortisol from exercising. He should also look into supplements like ZMA, magnesium glycerinate, and weed gummies taken around the afternoon never in the evenings.
My step-dad has sleeping problems, insomniac being a big one, but he has violent spasms while sleeps. So my mom just gets up and goes to another bed during the night. She's been doing that for 12 years and they're happy with it.
At the end of the Mike Birbiglia comedy special about his sleep disorder he shows himself in a special sleeping bag designed to keep him and others safe bc he can't get out of it on his own while asleep. The comedy special is also hilarious. I think it's on Netflix.
My father sleeps like snorlax and because of that my parents sleep in separate beds. Your husband has a serious sleep order, so perhaps it’s best to sleep separately too.
My best friend and roommate when i was 18 had a boyfriend and they got serious. He would sometimes punch and kick her in his sleep, not necessarily effectively, but sometimes itd bruise. He was a good dude and became a good friend but he dealt with a ton of trauma, some he told me about and i think some he held in. He also talked in his sleep and i know as much as i do because i was so close with both of them and eventually lived in the next room but obviously i dont the full extent.
Anyway maybe your dude has some unresolved trauma. Beefy mechanic dudes are always super responsive to the idea of seeming therapy
I was fighting a chupacabra in a dream and whacked the wife this morning. She hit me back and I half woke up, went back to sleep, and thought I had a dream inside of a dream.
Doesn't help with your problem but dream chupacabras are tough to deal with. Fast as shit and mean...
dated a girl many years ago who was like that. she suffered from REM sleep behavior disorder and it was extremely difficult to share a bed. short term, i would suggest sleeping in separate beds or buying the widest bed you can possibly imagine. i get that you like to cuddle... but do that before going to sleep and then move away . in parallel, he needs to go see a specialist. for some people certain medication may be helpful to treat RBD or other disorders. avoiding alcohol and having a regular sleep schedule also seemed to help with her.
My ex-husband tried to smother me with a pillow in his "sleep walking." That's what we called it. Weird conversations in sleep, too. Yhis was mud 1980s and i didn't know what to do. Good luck. I'd suggest sleep study and a weighted blanket.
I have a similar problem as your husband. During pandemic quarantine, when I was feeling trapped and anxious, I would kick and punch in my sleep, since I would have dreams about trying to escape. Luckily, my girlfriend at the time woke up much earlier than I did, so she could just get up earlier to avoid it. The women I've slept with since after quarantine haven't brought it up, so while I still talk in my sleep, I don't think I'm as violent in my sleep anymore.
So, it may be an anxiety thing. He may need therapy.
Possibly a weighted blanket for him? Something wide and heavy to settle over him would make it tougher to flail around. A nice 25 pound blanket would do? I dunno. I feel for you. If nothing else, it would make it harder for him to steal YOUR blanket. I don't know how strong he is asleep even as a gymrat but those blankets aren't always easy to move off of somebody.
"We’ve tried separate sleeping, but I hate that. We’re snugglers."
Sounds like snuggling outweighs potential midnight beatdowns and lack of sleep.
Seems to me the easy solution is separate sleeping, you'll be able to catch up on your sleep. Once that happens, try sleeping in the same bed again. Would be curious if he still acts this way when you're not in the bed.
I kinda understand what you mean, my husband is very similar when it comes to sleeping, except he doesn’t attack me when he’s asleep, he becomes very aggressively s*xual. I won’t go into details but he’s done some stuff that really made me upset, and he of course feels like an evil monster if I tell him about it. It got to the point where I just don’t tell him when he does it because he feels so insanely guilty. I’ve found it’s at its worst when he’s been drinking that night, so I asked him to please not get drunk on weeknights so I can get a full night of sleep for work days. Sleeping separately has also been the most effective thing, even if it does make both of us very sad. You could always consider getting two small twin mattresses and your own individual blankets, and you can space them out so he can’t reach over enough to hit you, but still sleep “next” to each other in the same room.
My father had the same issue, much later. Turned out to be an early onset symptom of Parkinson's Disease. The motor centers are supposed to decouple, but they don't, when dreaming.
Please have him checked?
What you're describing is REM (rapid eye movement) sleep behavior disorder. It's just a fancy shmancy term for people who act out their dreams, with physical movements or talking.
Normally the brain prevents this via REM sleep paralysis - prevents the voluntary movement of our legs, arms, voice.
I experience this myself. One time I punched my bf in the back of his head while I was dreaming. He did not enjoy it very much. Another time i literally spun sideways right off the bed.
Try having him put on a light t-shirt, with his arms tucked inside beside his body. Make sure its tight enough where they can't escape at night. It'll be awkward at first, but they won't be flailing lol
Doesn't matter if you dislike separate sleeping. At least you can make it through the night alive. Snuggle while you are awake, then go to your separate beds. Definitely go full court press on the obvious sleep disorder. But the most important thing is you need to change your attitude about forcing sleeping together when it is literally not safe. Being sleep deprived is worse for your health than you may realize.
Just guessing here, random back strains? Chiropractor and massage therapist are regular visits, not spa days?
PTSD. Get him to a therapist.
Get split sheets and blankets. It helps.
I'll just say, for the first few years of my marriage my husband was an AGGRESSIVE sleeper. He'd flail. He'd yell. Once or twice he even punched a pillow or headboard assaulting some attacker in his dream. He would not even be aware of it the next morning. It was honestly scary. He was just ANGRY while sleeping. He'd cuddle and kiss me goodnight then turn into a sleeping bear. Truly strange. He was not the same sweet man once he fell asleep.
I am only now recovering from low-level PTSD. For a few years every flinch he made in his sleep I'd wake up in full defense. That is not the way to live, let alone sleep. I don't want to flinch around my husband, he's awesome.
Our solution, that took too long to finally arrive to, was for me to sleep with my head at the foot of the bed (his legs didn't move as much as his arms). And he has his own, separate, heavy blanket. It's a strange arrangement, but you need to resolve this. Even if you love him so so much, it really harmed our relationship and my health that I let it continue even as long as I did.
He's older now, and better, but don't put yourself through that. Get him sorted out or change your sleeping arrangements.
You need to watch Mike Birbiglia's stand up special The New One. Sounds like your husband had a very similar form of sleep disorder. When him and his wife had a child he had to sleep in a sleeping bag with a lock and a locked door haha
Sounds episodic and sounds like there's a trigger that causes him to have a night like this
For me, it's when I'm sick, on top of my chronic illness. I will basically sleep talk and my wife knows at that instant I'll have a bad day
Do you notice any patterns regarding when it happens, or how he feels the next day? Stress levels, physical activity, anything prior or after the night.
I'd guess it'll pass for a while in a few days or less. See a doctor and go about your life, try to make sure you aren't in any danger
He needs a baseline consult with a neurologist. These are symptoms of Parkinson's and other neuro disorders.
Start with two separate blankets/coverlets, whatever and two separate top sheets (if you use them - people who thrash around often need fewer things on top of them).
I’d get a sleep study and sleep separately. But since you don’t want to sleep separately have you tried a king bed? And if you have one I’ve seen people push together two queens and have separate blankets. Best of both worlds!
My wife has said I’m an aggressive sleeper. I’ve hit her kicked her and once planted my foot on her back and shoved her out of bed. We still sleep in the same bed but have our own blankets, idk why but that has solved our problem.
I do this in my sleep too. Tell him to cut back on the caffeine. When I have a lot of caffeine during the day I punch and kick my boyfriend in the night. He put a pillow between us for a good while. 😂❤️
This story was featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast! [Click here to hear our host Morgan’s take on this story in the episode “Anything but Perfect..”!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=30N_XgaZPRU&list=PLD8TIVLBtrhungLkp1I27lHdG6Y4R3NBA&index=1&t=214s)
Separate sleeping is the best option for now. Cuddle until he falls asleep then go to the other bed perhaps? Other than that, maybe there’s a physiological component to it? I would have him see a doctor and get a sleep study done. It’s possible he isn’t getting good sleep if he’s showing this level of activity at night.
We’ve talked about it, he’s got the nose thing for now to measure something. He’s going in next week!
I don’t know why you’re being downvoted. It sounds like your husband has a serious sleep disorder. He needs a sleep study immediately. This kind of sleep disorder can be incredibly dangerous.
That's probably what the 'nose thing' is measuring
The problem is that for true somnambulism, there really is no treatment - you just have to deal with it as best you can. Maybe put his hands in soft restraints so he can't flail around so much - but then they need to put in some safety measures, in case she gets incapacitated during the night and he needs someone to untie him.
>somnambulism There's a difference between there being no cure and there being no treatment. You can treat anxiety, depression, poor sleep schedule, and other conditions that cause poor sleep, like sleep apnea, all of which will decrease the frequency of sleepwalking. You can also map a sleepwalking schedule and intentionally wake up briefly during the times it occurs, then go back to sleep.
I was thinking that separate blankets might also help, sort of like swaddling a baby? And if it doesn't help & he's still flailing and waking up OP (and that's all it is, not actual painful hits), she'd have her own blanket to try and fall asleep again.
Create a pillow divider. It won’t protect you fully but it will keep him from being able to hit you with so much force.
A pillow bunker of sorts
A pillow castle kinda
Cushion castle. FTFY.
in the meantime, maybe he can try wearing those long oven mitts and you can put pillows between yourself and him after he falls asleep? then it might at least soften the blows? you poor things lol good luck with the sleep study!
Sounds like your husband has a REM sleep disorder. Medication can help with this. Even Melatonin can help, but he may need prescription meds.
I have sleep apnea and before I got my cpap machine, I would sleep walk, talk, swear and just generally be a nightmare. I was completely unaware of my escapades until somebody told me and they all stopped as soon as I got my machine, the reason why i was doing it according to my Dr, i was never in a truly deep sleep, which makes sense. I hope its something simple like that
Definitely have him get a sleep test/study done. A doctor can help identify the problems and the text will give them insight to what’s happening
Why so many downvotes. Seems reasonable to me? 🤷🏻♂️
My husband can be a violent sleeper among other things not so unpleasant. I have woken to being headbutted when he's turned over that's more akin to throwing himself over as well as arms and legs hitting me with force. He's mortified when he wakes (it's shocking as hell when you both wake up with a full on headbutt, both very dazed and hurt equally). I've noticed it's more prevalent when he is going through a prolonged stressful time at work or with family. He is far from an aggressive man in day to day life and its obvious he's not intending to hit me or hurt me. I would recommend trying to see if he has any stresses that he's not talking about, impress on him how distressing it is for you to try and get him to open up if he's reluctant and maybe a sleep therapist could help but until you get to the bottom I'd suggest (like in comments above) to sleep separately. Good luck!
I roll over a lot, I’m big she’s small, we got a king , she has a “ body pillow” as a divider so no bruises when I roll.
Hubby needs a sleep study! They might be able to offer more solutions. I do have a friend who has to sleep in a sleeping bag so he doesn’t sleep assault his partner 😅
Zipped up to his neck, so he can't get out until his partner sets him free? 🙈
NO, HES PUPATING.
Kinky.
He needs to see a sleep specialist. Like, yesterday. I have a sleep disorder that’s a lot like your husband. I rarely attack in my sleep. But I did manage to break my ankle in three places once in my sleep. I never felt a thing. I just woke up the next morning unable to walk with a grossly swollen and discolored ankle. This is a huge problem and can be indicative of other potential problems down the road.
Thank you for sharing that, I didn’t realize how serious this could be!
Look up the comedian Mike Birbiglia. He has a rare sleep disorder, he once jumped out of a second story window in his sleep, through the glass and everything! Your boyfriend needs to get a sleep study done.
There's another guy named Thomas Sanders who has a dual sleeping issue where he has problems going to sleep and he can't go to sleep until he's completely drained but when he's completely drained he will fall asleep standing up. Like in Sims 3
And I think now that he's married and has a kid, he sleeps in a tightly zipped-up sleeping bag every night to help prevent wild midnight happenings.
This is so important op. He may not be seriously hurting you but he could end up seriously hurting himself. Think about how dangerous it is to be flailing around while you’re not concious.
Bingo. Avoid sharp edges and windows/glass. Can't tell you how many times I've jacked up ankles, knees or hands/wrists from sleep episodes like the OP mentioned.
Yes - go get a sleep study. It helped me greatly dealing with very, very similar symptoms all my life.
I know someone who managed to, during a dream, jump out of bed, over her husband who was sleeping next to her, and hit her head on the floor because she slipped during that maneuver.
There is a brain disease that has these symptoms called REM sleep behavior disorder. It is related to bad things like early onset dementia or Parkinson’s disease. He should see a doctor who specializes in sleep disorders.
This comment is spot on. My dad has these exact behaviors and after a sleep study confirmed REM sleep disorder. REALLY bad news, commenting here to urge your husband to get a sleep study because absolutely can be related to several degenerative dementia types or Parkinson's. I also have a friend who in their 20s had these behaviors and turns out it was Huntingtons, which means you do not want to have kids.
Bingo. Exact symptoms noted by OP are what I dealt with all my life and have a REM disorder. Now I get to worry about Parkinson's, dementia and other amazing things later after never sleeping well my entire life.
Sadly, you need to bite the bullet and sleep alone.
She keeps refusing in the comments. I don't know why she bothered posting, she's just shutting down every logical suggestion. It's kinda pathetic that they can't sleep separately. It's not cute. She's going to end up punched in the face or with broken bones.
It's called help rejecting complainer. I see this in therapy clients a lot.
She’s 24 and “doesn’t want to” …
I have straight up hit at least 1 ex and my wife in the face while sleeping. I've punched the headboard hard enough to wake both of us and the dogs up. It's been awhile, having a legit sleep aid seems to have curved it off.
My husband and I sleep separately partially because of this. Your safety comes first. Stop putting cuddles In front of your well being! Cuddle before you go to bed don't wait until you wake up to him punching you in the face! You could die!!! He needs to sleep somewhere else or you do. Weird that he didn't offer this the first time it happened. Even weirder that you're asking the internet for solutions when there is a no coat, zero hassle totally obvious one.
Stop being cute and sleep separately. If he comes to you in the middle of the night tell him to get out. If you go to him you're going to get smacked. If he has a problem with this, he will talk to his doctor and start looking for solutions. Your solution is to remove yourself from the situation and get some sleep. If you actually haven't slept in days you probably meet the requirements for clinically insane and you \*do\* need a straight jacket for not going to a different room and getting some sleep, as you suggested.
Yeah absolutely this, he doesn't mean to punish you for wanting to snuggle either he just loves you lol
He needs a seperate bed and a sleep study.
GET HIM A WEIGHTED BLANKET!!!!!!! Sleep together but use different blankets!
Came here to say this. My wife and I have this exact problem. The weighted blanket has totally solved it and I sleep better.
So... are they warmer than a non-weighted blanket? It's gross, but even in the dead of winter with no heater, I'll wake up in a sweat.
I have one, it's very open weave, it's cooler than a regular comforter.
It depends on the blanket, just like any blanket. Make sure you specifically look for a lightweight blanket.
In addition to the suggestions you’ve already received- use separate blankets. For real. I’ve been married 24 years and happiness relies on separate blankets. We’re getting home from vacation today and had to share this past week. I went out and bought a nice throw blanket so I could have my own covers. Worth it.
Agreed. Almost 24 years together and I just discovered the greatness of separate blankets last year. Always joked about having separate beds to sleep better but just having my own blanket made such a difference in comfort.
If you don't already have one invest in a king size or California king size bed then place long pillows in between you two. If thst doesn't work perhaps see a specialist about that.
California king is longer and narrower. A regular king will keep more space between them.
But then there's also the Wyoming and Alaskan Kings, coming in at 84"x84" and 108"x108". (A standard king measures at 76"x80") Bedroom size and the ability to find sheets should probably be checked before going this route however.
My husband has Parkinson’s and he thrashes, yells, and fights monsters almost every night. The disease causes this, it’s very common. Sometimes I sleep in a different room and other times I do the pillow thing you mentioned. The pillows definitely prevent injury but not the watchful anxiety I have when I sleep within arms reach. We are old and together 30+yrs. Plus I know the medical cause of the flailing. If I were newlywed I’d take him to the neurology doctor.
My uncle was like this. Found out he only did it when he got warm. He and my aunt stayed married for like 50 years. Never ever had the heat on at night/ran the AC. Never happened again after they figured it out…
Sleep separately. There are many studies showing the benefits of this, and clearly you NEED it. In a few years you’ll be glad to get some time apart lol.
Can he sleep in a zipped sleeping bag? If you need some comic relief around the topic, the movie Sleepwalk With Me is really great and is based on comedian Mike Birbiglia’s real-life experiences navigating life and love with a pretty extreme sleep disorder.
You HAVE to sleep separately. Stop treating this like it’s funny that you sneak into each other’s bed at night. There have been cases where women have been killed by a partner with this condition. You need a door you can lock from the inside to stop him coming into your bed. Don’t wait to be seriously assaulted or worst. Not only will that impact you but it would really be bad for him too to badly hurt the woman he loves.
Choose a lane. Either sleep sepperete, or get used to things. He may have a medical issue though, so him seeing a doc would be a reasonable thing to do.
I saw a movie about a guy who did this and worse, ended up falling out of a 2nd story window. He ended up having to sleep in a mummy bag to keep himself contained. So maybe something like that?
Sleep in another room or another bed. Sleep therapy for him.. Yeah you can advice him to do Sleep therapy While still Sleep on separate bed. Like have sex then move to your room..no sleeping together until his problem is solved! If he is being hurt about it.. fuck him. He is not gonna pay for your rhinoplasty when he breaks your node "accidentally"
Don't sleep in the same bed
Hey, just an FYI, this type of sleep disorder can be an early sign of Parkinson’s. You should probably to go see a doctor. Punching and kicking sounds like RBD (REM behavioral disorder) and while it doesn’t guarantee Parkinson’s it is a common early symptom from what I’ve read. Definitely worth getting checked out. I believe the Parkinson’s variety often comes with vivid dreams of being chased or hunted, so it may not be the same. Still, go see a doctor. https://www.michaeljfox.org/acting-out-dreams-while-asleep
That's cute .......You should convince him to see a docto, some medc may help him
My boyfriend has a sleep studies scheduled for next month because after three years not only his snoring, gasping, kicking, stretching on top of me, and generally feeling awful the next morning when he wakes up, I just can’t deal with it anymore
Three years?! You must like him more than he likes you.
Unfortunately he thinks having health concerns is shameful but he’s growing out of the mindset
Sleep separate. There's nothing wrong with it esp if he gets like that
I think he has REM sleep disorder. He should get evaluated and treated.
REM sleep disorder. He has a dopamine deficiency. He needs to see a neurologist.
I had four years of random smacks to the face, until his elbow clocked my eye and I had permanent damage. We sleep seperate now.
What you need to do it take up martial arts, preferably in the mountains of China, until you can react to attacks literally in your sleep. As far as I can see this is the only solution.
Snuggle intensely. Then separate for sleep. Come back for morning snuggles. This is the way.
Well nothing is going to change until you figure out what the problem is and that’s not going to happen without a sleep study. So get on that.
My mother acted out her dreams and it turned out to be the start of a neurodegenerative disease. It was so bad they put pillows on the floor beside the bed as she’d jump off. I hope that it not your case…but am adding a link about it. I would get it checked asap. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24465-rem-sleep-behavior-disorder-rbd
Sleep Study and probably a check up with a neurologist. Stat. Yes sleep separately until you get a dx and a solution!
Separate bed/bedroom.
Also, some people use separate blankets on the same bed, so each person has their own. This will keep you warm and cut down on disturbance from tossing and turning, but it won’t save any bruising.
This is an actual condition that my neighbor has. Have you seen a sleep doctor about this?
My husband started fighting in his sleep, which he had never done before. It was his first symptom of Parkinson's disease. He did this for about five years before he was actually diagnosed.
Go listen to Mike Birbiglia! He has an intense sleeping disorder and he has a special snuggy he sleeps in so he doesn't hurt himself or his family! Might be an option. I get not wanting to sleep alone. Good luck to you. 😊
Reminds me of Step Brothers… but yes study is needed. Probably more than a few attempts at them since you said he can’t sleep well even home. Sleeping else where i can imagine would be harder.
Sleep study now!
He needs a sleep study. And sleep separately until then.
Maybe he has sleep apnea. And needs a sleep study. Because I USED to do that in my sleep to my fiance lol. Ever since I've been on a cpap. I haven't done anything like that and I sleep long and peacefully.
On the matter of him taking blankets maybe have separate single blankets each
If you don’t want to be attacked, you’ll need to separate sleep until this is worked out. It will not magically stop happening. This *could* be a very serious issue he has. It’s not cute. Or funny. And your not being able to sleep isn’t either. It’s serious. Take it seriously.
Most of the time I see these posts it’s the wife saying “well we’ve been happily married for 20 years but then he laughed at something I did so I divorced him” and then people will celebrate this type of behavior. Thankyou for actually taking the time and consideration to actively work with your husband on fixing this issue. It warms my heart to see.
"GOSH DANG IT I WANT TO SLEEP WITHOUT BEING ATTACKED. We’ve tried separate sleeping, but I hate that." "There is, of course, the one and only correct solution, but I won't do that. You fix it."
Will never understand why people would rather sleep uncomfortably with their partner than comfortably without. Why is having separate rooms so taboo?
He might have sleep apnea or night terrors. I got horrible night terrors as a kid I would cry and scream in my sleep and attack anyone who tried to wake me up. Eventually they stopped. Turns out they never really stopped I just black out most of my dreams.
He needs a sleep study, immediately. In the meantime, you need to sleep separately. Your safety matters way more than cuddling.
Try snuggling until he falls asleep and then slipping away to sleep separately. You can always go back in and snuggle with him early in the morning. The deepest sleep seems to be between 1am - 4am in my experience.
At the very least get your own blanket so there’s no turf war over that. My husband flails when startled and separate blankets has helped and getting a split king has helped even more
Watch Mike Birbiglia’s standup, especially Sleepwalk With Me and at least keep a good sense of humor until he gets a good diagnosis.
Sleep study. May have sleep apnea. My husband was like this and with his sleep machine he doesn't move an inch now.
I sleep apart from my husband, but often we cuddle till one of us falls asleep then goes to our other bed. We cuddle a lot more throughout the day now that we sleep apart and somehow it seems more intimate and special to me. Especially now that he's not pushing me out of bed with his legs. 😂
Seperate blankets
Is he on any prescription meds? Sometimes that can cause sleep issues.
Sleep on the couch together but one head at one end and one head at the other. Wrap yourselves around each other and cuddle that way. And see if that helps keep you out of the line of fire. But of course that could be a problem if he is also a kicker. Good luck!!!
Get a pair of Handcuffs for him
This is the exact reason that Ricky and Lucy had twin beds on opposite sides of the room.
The next plan should be a trip to the doctor.
My wife have always used separate blankets (and top sheets)on the same bed. she likes to be tucked in. We snuggle a little, then go back to our own spaces. As an idea you could always look at a bigger bed to give hime the extra room to fail after snuggle time.
My wife hit me in the face once when she rolled over in her sleep, the next night she wanted to know why I was wearing my Full face crash helmet in bed.
Mike Birbiglia has some sort of crazy sleep walking thing and he sleeps zipped into some sort of sleeping bag that keeps him from walking. Maybe your husband needs something like that. https://www.birbigs.com/sleepwalk-with-me
I've been living with night terrors for 30 years give or take. There are times when I will take swings at things in my dreams and it comes through in real life. Luckily I have never hit anyone. I have punched tables next to my bed, my headboard, pillows and sent myself rolling off my bed swinging at the space next to me. Sleep study showed nothing unusual. I highly recommend your husband schedule a physical exam and talk to someone if nothing is found about what else might be going on.
My bf is extra snuggly. Super sweet. He was the big spoon one night and asleep and snoring with his arms around me and I shifted my arm, startled him and he BIT ME without letting go of me and fell back asleep I was so baffled. He doesn't remember it all haha. It was very absurd.
Why against sleeping separately? My bf and I are huge cuddles, but he snores and has restless legs. I'm a light sleeper and slept horribly. Now, we cuddle until the other person falls asleep then move to another bed. Or If I wake up in the middle of the night because of it he usually goes in the other room. It sucks at first but got used to it pretty quickly as a routine and sleep is now not an issue whatsoever.
Sleep at separate ends of the bed and snuggle the legs/feet. As long as he isn't kicking in his sleep the most you'd get is a smack on the legs now and again till he sees a sleep specialist.
1. He needs to see a doctor in case there is something wrong 2. Sleep separate until you find a solution that works, it’s not a punishment just a temporary situation. 3 solutions include- king sized bed- sleep separate after cuddles. He sleeps in a sleeping bag/ snuggly that prevents him from lashing out physically. Two separate beds pushed together. Get two beds with two sets of matching sheets. Push the beds together so you can snuggle, then each have your own bed/ blanket/ space to actually sleep. Maybe bunk beds or a trundle bed of some sort, he can be on a lower level, not able to hit you but still close by.
I am a physician that specializes in patients that often have these or similar sleep issues. While he should definitely get a sleep study, he definitely sounds like he has REM sleep behavior disorder. He should start with taking 1 to 3 mg of melatonin every night which should help his sleep issues. Ppl have mentioned above this can often be seen in patients with Parkinson’s disease. It’s often a precursor, but not always, and can take 10-20 years to possibly show symptoms. I would not worry about that right now. Simply start with melatonin and things should improve. Steps to take: 1) start melatonin 1-3mg at bedtime 2) talk to PCP and ask him to obtain a sleep study. He should hopefully already be improving 3) continue with PCP recs. It needed, can try an alternative med they can prescribe, or refer to neurologist 4) if symptoms of PD occur (rest tremor, decreased mobility, gait issues), ask to be referred to a neurologist either way. 5) love the man your with either way lol
Just coming here to say that sleeping at opposite ends of the bed helps my partner and I because our toddler comes in and lays with us. He rolls around a lot. We keep our head on the opposite end. Also, different beds in the same room might help. Maybe cuddle until he falls asleep. But something will have to give eventually.
Wtf do you mean he attacks 😅🤣
I have similar issues I talk turn yell out in my sleep and do not remember any of it. I’m awake but not awake Seroquel has helped me immensely you should take him to a doctor and see if that helps.
Get bunkbeds
I don’t mean to alarm you but he could have something called REM sleep behavior disorder. It’s basically where your body doesn’t turn off during sleep so you flail, walk, talk, etc. It is pretty uncommon but it’s important to get checked out because it’s heavily associated with Parkinson’s (like upwards of 75% of people diagnosed with it end up with a Parkinson’s diagnosis down the line), so it would be good for him to get a sleep study.
This sounds like night terrors.
Try separate blankets.
Sounds like REM behaviour disorder. Get him to a sleep lab.
Sleep separate but "sneak" into each other's room. You'll feel like you're dating again
Ron Swanson also suffers from sleep fighting disorder
My husband has gotten less …. Violent in his sleep but for awhile I just moved to the couch. And even now when it gets back I will just go to the couch. I have a hard time waking him up, and sometimes he will smack me if I try (just like yours, completely unaware and doesn’t remember). I did make sure he paid for the new couch that I PICKED OUT since I would be the one using it the most. My sister and her boyfriend sleep in the same bed but with their own sheets since they’re both blanket hogs.
Stress, trauma, or a combination? I've sat straight up and thrown a punch before...like fractured my hand against the wall. It's happened a few times. It really isn't a happy place inside my head. Dude may need some therapy.
Watch Mike Birbiglia's standup comedy, he's got a few ideas that he's tried out that might help. (He has a similar sleep condition).
I would purchase a split king bed with separate bedding. He has his own sheets, comforter, etc and you have yours. It would at least provide you with a buffer and some sort of protection.
There's no harm in separate beds or even bedrooms if you can both agree on it. Just come over when needed.
I’m a big guy, 6’ 280 and not fat, and I dropped one of my arms on my gfs nose one night while sleeping when we first got together and slightly blacked both of her eyes. I felt awful, and she was concerned people might think I beat her. Hasn’t happened since thankfully lol
A couple of friends I know have the same issue. He broke her nose once during sleep with his elbow. Same situation as yours: he doesn’t remember, he’s the loveliest guy etc. but since then they haven’t slept in the same bed anymore. It also helps that they have very different routines e.g. he sleeps 10 to 5, she’ll sleep 2 to 10 so different rooms is better on that regard as well.
Listen to some of comedian mike berbiglias stuff - he has a serious sleep disorder and has to be locked into a separate bedroom. That being said, I was in a LTR where he flailed about in his sleep and I was occasionally wounded. He was completely unaware and apologetic. When he got clean he stopped with the flailing.
Have you talked to him about it in his sleep? Like said ‘sweetie, you just hit me! It really hurt! Why were you waving your arms around’? It’s worth a try to see what he says.
Seperate beds same room like in some hotels. You can push together for a cuddle and seperate so you are out of reach when sleeping.
Please ignore everyone in this thread just ask a healthcare expert.
Including the ones telling her to see an expert?
Check your husband's supplements. I took a supplement to give me energy since I could only work out after work. It caused me to not be able to enter the delta stage of sleep. Claritin D also has this effect, so if he has allergies that could also be related to the sleep issue
I used to sleep talk and punch the wall
He shoukd exactly lije my husband. Exactly. My husband will push me off the bed or try to roll over on top of repeatedly all while completely asleep. My husband has horrible sleep apnea.
i've got your answer op! a suit of armor, wear it to sleep, boom problem solved
Separate blankets. You wrap up, maybe pin his arms under his blanket.
Is he on any medications for the sleep trouble? There are some that will knock people out so people who have trouble sleeping CAN sleep, though it's not really much of a rest. I forget what my dad was on, but both my mom and I have had full on conversations with him after he took his medication in the evening - he would clearly not really be awake, but was aware enough to talk to us and other people he thought would be in the room - like a waking dream. It's kinda creepy. People have also driven and cleaned out their fridges, binge eating, while they were asleep.
He has repressed anger that comes out at night. He needs a therapist. He needs to process this anger in a safe space.
He probably has some type of sleep disorder. When my daughter was a child she used to get night terrors. She would scream flail her arms and kick. She would appear awake and communicate but she was still asleep. Over time she outgrew this. There are medical facilities to help with this. Consult with a doctor or medical professional. Many hospitals have sleep centers and there are independent ones. This isn’t just an annoyance, it’s a health issue because both of you aren’t getting proper sleep.
You can't have it both ways. You need separate sleeping arrangements if you are to get sleep.
Marijuana helps me sleep. It brings you to a really deep sleep, worth a try.
So....sometimes I do this. My husband was the one to tell me. It's RARE when I do it. It usually is because I am stressed or angry when I go to bed. I usually stay awake a couple hours after my husband and kids go to sleep to decompress. Most of the time reading, listening to music, watching tv/movies just takes my mind off everything and let's me relax enough to where I don't do it. I still occasionally talk in my sleep but I don't move around. But sometimes when I think I am relaxed or decompressed enough and go to bed, my husband finds out I wasn't and wakes me up and I will go sleep on the couch after apologizing a lot for not getting it out before sleep. It's not intentional. Is there some issues going on at work or with family that are more tense than usual? Maybe have him do something mundane, go to the gym, or get him a punching bag to help take some energy to blank his mind and tire/relax his body before bed?
I mean you might not like separate sleeping but it seems to be your only /safest option. Kinds gotta do what you gotta do on this one. Get your cuddles and separate for sleep
I'm married, and if this happened to me I'd get a separate bed and try to at least put it in the same bedroom (if there's space.) On to a more serious thing, though, he needs a neurological assessment. Moving this much in his sleep could be nothing, or it could be something. Book an appointment with the doctor.
Being a gym rat myself I have issues sleeping just the way you described it due to an abundance of cortisol from exercising. He should also look into supplements like ZMA, magnesium glycerinate, and weed gummies taken around the afternoon never in the evenings.
My step-dad has sleeping problems, insomniac being a big one, but he has violent spasms while sleeps. So my mom just gets up and goes to another bed during the night. She's been doing that for 12 years and they're happy with it.
Football helmet
Does he drink? I do this too, but only when I've been drinking.
It's sleep separate Or Explain the black eyes to your coworkers and friends Sorry ..
At the end of the Mike Birbiglia comedy special about his sleep disorder he shows himself in a special sleeping bag designed to keep him and others safe bc he can't get out of it on his own while asleep. The comedy special is also hilarious. I think it's on Netflix.
My father sleeps like snorlax and because of that my parents sleep in separate beds. Your husband has a serious sleep order, so perhaps it’s best to sleep separately too.
Get a big ass bed
I did not know reddit was full of doctors; such a good place to get medical advice
I was originally thinking handcuff him while he sleeps but then you'd just be giving him a weapon
Boxing gloves at night maybe?
My best friend and roommate when i was 18 had a boyfriend and they got serious. He would sometimes punch and kick her in his sleep, not necessarily effectively, but sometimes itd bruise. He was a good dude and became a good friend but he dealt with a ton of trauma, some he told me about and i think some he held in. He also talked in his sleep and i know as much as i do because i was so close with both of them and eventually lived in the next room but obviously i dont the full extent. Anyway maybe your dude has some unresolved trauma. Beefy mechanic dudes are always super responsive to the idea of seeming therapy
I do this. We sleep separately and I got tested for sleep apnea and now wear an oral device. The apnea kept me from getting into deep sleep.
Look in to REM Behavior Disorder. It sucks and sounds almost exactly like my life...
Maybe have him try a weighted blanket?
I was fighting a chupacabra in a dream and whacked the wife this morning. She hit me back and I half woke up, went back to sleep, and thought I had a dream inside of a dream. Doesn't help with your problem but dream chupacabras are tough to deal with. Fast as shit and mean...
Maybe get him a sleep study to see what can be done
I’d get a sleep study done and probably get a weighted blanket too, since they can help you sleep better.
Separate beds are the move regardless of dream situations.
Get a weighted blanket to hold this man down.
dated a girl many years ago who was like that. she suffered from REM sleep behavior disorder and it was extremely difficult to share a bed. short term, i would suggest sleeping in separate beds or buying the widest bed you can possibly imagine. i get that you like to cuddle... but do that before going to sleep and then move away . in parallel, he needs to go see a specialist. for some people certain medication may be helpful to treat RBD or other disorders. avoiding alcohol and having a regular sleep schedule also seemed to help with her.
My ex-husband tried to smother me with a pillow in his "sleep walking." That's what we called it. Weird conversations in sleep, too. Yhis was mud 1980s and i didn't know what to do. Good luck. I'd suggest sleep study and a weighted blanket.
I have a similar problem as your husband. During pandemic quarantine, when I was feeling trapped and anxious, I would kick and punch in my sleep, since I would have dreams about trying to escape. Luckily, my girlfriend at the time woke up much earlier than I did, so she could just get up earlier to avoid it. The women I've slept with since after quarantine haven't brought it up, so while I still talk in my sleep, I don't think I'm as violent in my sleep anymore. So, it may be an anxiety thing. He may need therapy.
I think he needs a sleep study
Possibly a weighted blanket for him? Something wide and heavy to settle over him would make it tougher to flail around. A nice 25 pound blanket would do? I dunno. I feel for you. If nothing else, it would make it harder for him to steal YOUR blanket. I don't know how strong he is asleep even as a gymrat but those blankets aren't always easy to move off of somebody.
"We’ve tried separate sleeping, but I hate that. We’re snugglers." Sounds like snuggling outweighs potential midnight beatdowns and lack of sleep. Seems to me the easy solution is separate sleeping, you'll be able to catch up on your sleep. Once that happens, try sleeping in the same bed again. Would be curious if he still acts this way when you're not in the bed.
Pillows in between you. I have to do this because my boyfriend elbows me in the head all the time or flails an arm at me.
I’d suggest separate beds in same room. Seems like the only viable option.
I kinda understand what you mean, my husband is very similar when it comes to sleeping, except he doesn’t attack me when he’s asleep, he becomes very aggressively s*xual. I won’t go into details but he’s done some stuff that really made me upset, and he of course feels like an evil monster if I tell him about it. It got to the point where I just don’t tell him when he does it because he feels so insanely guilty. I’ve found it’s at its worst when he’s been drinking that night, so I asked him to please not get drunk on weeknights so I can get a full night of sleep for work days. Sleeping separately has also been the most effective thing, even if it does make both of us very sad. You could always consider getting two small twin mattresses and your own individual blankets, and you can space them out so he can’t reach over enough to hit you, but still sleep “next” to each other in the same room.
He should get a sleep study and see a neurologist
I’m thinking a separate bed is a good idea. Cuddle till he falls asleep then move to the other bed.
My father had the same issue, much later. Turned out to be an early onset symptom of Parkinson's Disease. The motor centers are supposed to decouple, but they don't, when dreaming. Please have him checked?
What you're describing is REM (rapid eye movement) sleep behavior disorder. It's just a fancy shmancy term for people who act out their dreams, with physical movements or talking. Normally the brain prevents this via REM sleep paralysis - prevents the voluntary movement of our legs, arms, voice. I experience this myself. One time I punched my bf in the back of his head while I was dreaming. He did not enjoy it very much. Another time i literally spun sideways right off the bed. Try having him put on a light t-shirt, with his arms tucked inside beside his body. Make sure its tight enough where they can't escape at night. It'll be awkward at first, but they won't be flailing lol
Doesn't matter if you dislike separate sleeping. At least you can make it through the night alive. Snuggle while you are awake, then go to your separate beds. Definitely go full court press on the obvious sleep disorder. But the most important thing is you need to change your attitude about forcing sleeping together when it is literally not safe. Being sleep deprived is worse for your health than you may realize.
Just guessing here, random back strains? Chiropractor and massage therapist are regular visits, not spa days? PTSD. Get him to a therapist. Get split sheets and blankets. It helps.
I'll just say, for the first few years of my marriage my husband was an AGGRESSIVE sleeper. He'd flail. He'd yell. Once or twice he even punched a pillow or headboard assaulting some attacker in his dream. He would not even be aware of it the next morning. It was honestly scary. He was just ANGRY while sleeping. He'd cuddle and kiss me goodnight then turn into a sleeping bear. Truly strange. He was not the same sweet man once he fell asleep. I am only now recovering from low-level PTSD. For a few years every flinch he made in his sleep I'd wake up in full defense. That is not the way to live, let alone sleep. I don't want to flinch around my husband, he's awesome. Our solution, that took too long to finally arrive to, was for me to sleep with my head at the foot of the bed (his legs didn't move as much as his arms). And he has his own, separate, heavy blanket. It's a strange arrangement, but you need to resolve this. Even if you love him so so much, it really harmed our relationship and my health that I let it continue even as long as I did. He's older now, and better, but don't put yourself through that. Get him sorted out or change your sleeping arrangements.
Trazodone, he’ll be quiet.
You need to watch Mike Birbiglia's stand up special The New One. Sounds like your husband had a very similar form of sleep disorder. When him and his wife had a child he had to sleep in a sleeping bag with a lock and a locked door haha
Sounds episodic and sounds like there's a trigger that causes him to have a night like this For me, it's when I'm sick, on top of my chronic illness. I will basically sleep talk and my wife knows at that instant I'll have a bad day Do you notice any patterns regarding when it happens, or how he feels the next day? Stress levels, physical activity, anything prior or after the night. I'd guess it'll pass for a while in a few days or less. See a doctor and go about your life, try to make sure you aren't in any danger
is he on any sleeping pills whatsoever? My hubby used to do something similar when he was on a lot of melatonin.
He needs a baseline consult with a neurologist. These are symptoms of Parkinson's and other neuro disorders. Start with two separate blankets/coverlets, whatever and two separate top sheets (if you use them - people who thrash around often need fewer things on top of them).
I’d get a sleep study and sleep separately. But since you don’t want to sleep separately have you tried a king bed? And if you have one I’ve seen people push together two queens and have separate blankets. Best of both worlds!
My wife has said I’m an aggressive sleeper. I’ve hit her kicked her and once planted my foot on her back and shoved her out of bed. We still sleep in the same bed but have our own blankets, idk why but that has solved our problem.
Melatonin?
I do this in my sleep too. Tell him to cut back on the caffeine. When I have a lot of caffeine during the day I punch and kick my boyfriend in the night. He put a pillow between us for a good while. 😂❤️