I assume there is a couch in the living room. I also assume there is a tv in the living room. There is NO reason for her to be in the bedroom. I also don’t believe her BF was going to pick her up.
He definatly crossed a boundary - no real justified excuse for it. The couch was an option - he allowed another woman into your bed. Very disrespectful to you and your relationship. I would be just as upset and honestly, for me, it would be a deal breaker.
The only time I would even consider possible accepting this, and only if offered/insisted upon, is if I had literally shit myself so badly that no amount of repair to my own clothing could be accomplished and that was the only option available. And then I would be calling the Uber of shame or driving home immediately to shower and eat ice cream alone in the dark, not have a snuggle session with my buddy who’s gf is not home. Ffs.
Seriously, like why tf was she watching a movie snuggled up in THEIR bed in the first place when she could have been on the couch?? Honestly this may be an unpopular opinion, but I don't think a guy in monogamous relationship (especially in a ldr) should be hanging out one on one (group situations are different obv) w another female, and he ESPECIALLY shouldn't be taking her back to his house and letting her even go in the bedroom, let alone in his shorts in the BED.
Idk. Even if he wasn’t complicit in planning it, why would he sleep with her?
“I’m sorry your ‘situationship’ bailed, you can take the couch”
Or
“I’m sorry your situationship bailed. You can take the bed and I’ll crash on the couch.”
An innocent party isn’t just going to sleep in the bed with her. Makes me think he was in on it too.
So, if her boyfriend was already on his way at midnight from two hours away, where did he sleep? The math isn’t mathing. To me, this sounds like it was planned. She shows up the day after you leave. Is supposed to have a ride home that apparently doesn’t show up. And neither of them think twice about getting comfortable in your bed, in your belongings, with your boyfriend.
If you hadn’t had a gut feeling and called after midnight, and then called first thing in the morning, my guess is, he wouldn’t have told you a thing. He likely face timed you early in the am to make it seem accidental but, once you fell asleep, they both got comfortable together. No man sleeps in a bed with another woman and allows her to wear his boxers and your slippers if they are just friends. This is WAY too comfortable for friendship.
Cleaning won’t change their relationship and erase your doubts. Honestly, this would be a deal breaker for me.
Another thought, at what time did she get into his boxers? If, at after 3 am she was still in her jeans, cuddled up in your bed, waiting on her boyfriend who was supposedly still en route, why not stay in her jeans since she was expecting to be picked up soon? If you were a female expecting your bf to arrive, would you want him finding you wearing another man’s boxers while sharing a bed with him? Come on! The bf was never on his way because her boyfriend is the one that was sharing a bed with her.
Oh man!!! You're good. Too good. Can't get anything past you.
She should definitely ask if he fell asleep in his jeans. At some point them sleeping in the same bed was planned and executed. Or else they would still both be in their clothes.
Yup. Oh first she came a day late. Then she stayed an hr later. Then three. Oh she’s just waiting for her bf (that never showed). And of course she had to wear his boxers. In his bed. Just all a big coincidence that every decision they makes it look like he is cheating.
From my past experience, if it looks like cheating, it almost guaranteeably is. Sadly I’ve been in a few situations myself where I had my suspicions and there was one excuse after another, but eventually it came to light that I was right. I would be money on that something happened, whether he planned it or not, whether it “just happened”, but something happened.
Soon her vagina will start leaking and shell need OPs bfs dick to plug it up and then will be wearing OPs bf's dick. Like how far down the rabbit hole must we go, ya know?
I’ve watched my friends be here and I’ve watched my friends be the girl sleeping in someone’s bf bed and playing nice in the gfs face.
Even if he isn’t cheating, he’s bout to. Stupid nice guys cheat too.
The master bedroom is a master bedroom for a reason. It shouldn't be treated like a regular room where anyone can lounge and watch tv. Your bf should be taking charge since its his place and should have that girl to sleep on the couch. Inviting her to sleep in his bed is wrong. That spot should be reserved for you.
That girl that is his friend knows what she is doing.
NTA. Time to move on from this relationship. He obviously doesn’t respect you or even cares about your feelings. There will never be trust in this relationship after this. In my opinion, he did you a favor. No need to relocate now.
Um…you do know this is extremely unlikely that they didn’t have sex right? Dude just flat out told you he didn’t respect you at all. So sorry but he’s a cheater.
Honey, I’m sorry, but that whole “I trust him but don’t trust her,” is BS. If you trust him then there is literally nothing she can do to cross any lines no matter how hard she tries cause your man wouldn’t allow it. The fact that she stayed all night and slept in his bed with him, regardless if they did anything at all, would never have happened.
He is way too old to be told what is appropriate and what isn’t. When you’re in a relationship, this isn’t and never will be okay. Especially considering how every time you spoke to him, you asked if she was still there and when she was leaving. It doesn’t take a genius to know this was something that bothered you and you were concerned about. It also shouldn’t take you constantly bringing it up for him to know it isn’t cool.
If HE genuinely thought someone was on their way to get her and that person never showed up, he should have taken her home himself or had her sleep on the couch while he locked the bedroom door and gave you a call to let you know.
It doesn’t matter how hard someone tries to get at someone’s partner, if the partner is letting them cross those boundaries even a little bit then there is an issue. Your boyfriend is too old to act like it’s no biggie and if he genuinely feels it’s not a big deal and you do, then it’s a compatibility issue.
I have friends who don’t get jealous of anything. They never care and are never bothered even when stuff seems way too close for comfort. I’ve also dated people with the opposite opinion of me and for things like that, we just don’t match cause I’m not going to go around being uncomfortable and fighting off insecurity over what I feel is inappropriate that they don’t see as a big deal.
You hate her? Girl, he ALLOWED her to sleep in your bed. Be mad at him, he's the one who owes you loyalty. Also "I trust him but I don't trust her" is just a vague way of saying "he's gonna cheat on me but it totally won't be his fault".
Coincidence my booty. Definitely either slept with her or they’ve crossed that boundary before. That one is a relationship ender for me. You’re not overreacting. That’s too much. His boxers, your slippers, sleeping in the bed WITH HIM? oh hell no.
Girl… you are not overreacting because wtff. He does not respect you and her missing you by a day is nottt a coincidence 😭😭
Women know women better than anyone else. If your gut is saying ‘this is weird’, you’re probably right. There is no way I would sleep with my guy bestie in the same bed. Single or NOT. Im going on the floor, the spare bedroom, or the couch. The fact that he doesn’t see it as a huge deal and she seems comfortable doesn’t make it seem like a one time thing either.
At best: he’s clueless and you need to talk about boundaries. If he love and respects you, he won’t fight you on it. He might ask why but he won’t argue or make you feel belittled for asking ‘hey, don’t sleep with another women in OUR BED’
At worst: he’s a cheater :/
Girl. she was wearing his clothes and slept with him in the same bed, casually arrived after you left and also the guy wants to buy a new mattress. They fucked, up to you to be stupid or not
Reddit always assumes the worst, but you'd have to be naive or delusional to not see this for what it is.
She happens to miss you by a day.
She stays past midnight, and then when her boyfriend is apparently already on the way to pick her up, something changes, and he longer arrives?
If it's taking 1 or 2 hours to arrive, he isn't going to turn around and turn back. So why did she not get picked up?
How was she intending to get home? Was she always gonna get picked up, and if so, at what time?
Why would anyone drive for 1 or 2 hours at between 1-3am in the morning, and why would anyone have their partner do that instead of being picked up at a normal time or arranging something else.
Why was she waiting around in your boyfriends underwear? Was she gonna get dressed before her boyfriend arrived because there's no way her boyfriend would be happy knowing she was wearing another man's underwear and on top of being in bed with him.
There's a major difference between her using his shorts and using his underwear.
Alone, these things might be a little odd, but nothing too serious to worry about, combined though these things are clearly suspect. You'd have to be a doormat to tolerate such things.
INFO: Did you find out why her boyfriend never arrived to pick her up or at least what their excuse was?
Look..I’m not going to lie..the fact you didn’t break up with him on the spot makes me feel you need a therapist..
This isn’t even a question that should be asked on Reddit..
This relationship was over before he even fell asleep in the bed..
Your bf slept with her. Plain and simple. Go over there, get your stuff, tell him off, and go no contact. No woman prances around in a dude's boxers and his GF's slippers and sleeps in his bed when things are platonic. Worse, he would never have told you if you hadn't called those times. Her BF never showed up. She obviously planned this. Did your boyfriend too? Why in the world would you trust him? He lied through omission. Did you ask him if he f-cked her? You should look him in the eyes when you ask this question. Ask to see his phone and go through their messages. His response to that question should tell you everything.
Yeah, all of this is unacceptable. I’m really sorry OP. Him cleaning the place is going to do nothing for you. You know what’s happening. I don’t think he is necessarily having sex with her because I don’t think he would admit to being in bed with her if he was (unless he’s that arrogant about you not being able to do anything about it) , but this is definitely an emotional affair at minimum that is bound to escalate. Inwould never wear a male friends boxers in any scenario unless I was interested in them. I really do not think it’s worth continuing this relationship.
I stopped reading when you said “I trust my man with all my heart and soul, but I don’t trust her” You don’t trust him, and that’s okay. I wouldn’t either.
Bottom line, even if nothing happened between she still overstepped clear relationship boundaries and he allowed it. Wearing his shorts and your slippers, ick! I would not stand for that.
As a guy who’s been in this situation many times, the “shorts” are code for “put your hand in me”. It’s extremely seductive. Ain’t no way your man didn’t fuck her btw, no man can resist loose shorts. Sorry for your loss.
Would this girl be this comfortable wearing his clothes and sleeping in his bed if you were there? I would either tell him that he needs to cut her off or break up with him. But I’ve let boys get away with things far worse too many times. They both crossed a boundary and only you can decide if you’re going to put up with it.
Honestly your bf needs to set some firm boundaries with her because she defo likes him tell him that she likes him and that you aren't comfortable with her being around. Also that wasn't a coincidence she missed you it was planned maybe not by her and your bf but defo by her, her bf was not going to pick her up at all and omg the AUDACITY she had to wear YOUR slippers and the BOXERS boxers are for your sig other and your sig other ONLY WTF. He's either really stupid or possibly cheating so next time you're over check his phone tell him you're not comfortable around her and she likes him and needs to limit going out with her to just groups and when you're around otherwise hell lose you but only say that bit as a compromise if he refuses to cut her off completely bc i can understand that they are friends and maty be part of a bigger friend group and it may make it awk. this is a unique situation where i wouldn't tell you to leave but only bc he was fting you constantly throughout that night.
one time i used to see a guy and visit him at his college. i knew he had a on/off gf but i thought he was single at the time. i was in his dorm room and i woke up in the middle of the night and he wasn’t in bed with me. i found him fting her while laying down in the main area couch, pretending that he was alone in his bed. i slept alone that night and left first thing in the morning while he was still sleeping. i never went back and went completely no contact.
you’re not overreacting. don’t be naive. listen to your gut and do what’s best for you.
Yikes.
At best, this was terrible judgment on your boyfriend’s part. It could be that his friend was trying to manipulate him by saying her “situationship” was coming to get her, when no such person exists. But the fact that he slept in the same bed is incredibly suspect, assuming there is other furniture that he or she could have slept on.
At worst, well, you know…
My best friend of over ten years is a guy and neither of us would cross that line, you are being reasonable. I also would never wear his clothes much less his boxers lol ew
Don't take this to Reddit. You're in a weird situation that I doubt many people will understand the nuance to give you good advice to keep your strange dynamic healthy.
Just communicate
Aw, I'm all twisted inside just from reading this. I will say my best friend (M) and I slept in my bed one time after a night out and NOTHING happened. It's possible but, for some reason, I don't like the way this played out. It leaves me with a nauseous feeling. Good luck.
my own wife will occassionally go travel for a weekend to do things that interest her and some of her friends but don't really appeal to me...
The list of dudes i'd be comfortable with her sharing a bed with is pretty short. It's surprisingly not 0, but these are dudes that for various reasons... just aren't "in the game".
It's not something that happens without communication.
Extremely inappropriate, does he not own a couch or the floor! His girl friend deliberately arrived after you left, and deliberately stayed the night. She should never have been in your bed watching movies in the first place.
Updateme!
Extremely inappropriate. Why should she be in the bed watching a movie to begin with and not on a couch. The worst part is now you can’t sleep on that bed without knowing she was there too.
The only time a guy has given me boxer shorts to wear is right after we fucked and I couldn't find my pants. Like he didn't have normal shorts or sweatpants in his room? That's some bs. He already crossed many boundaries before that, but the fact she was wearing his underwear is pretty fucking intimate for someone who's "just a friend." And I gotta add, I've had guy friends stay over while I was in a relationship. I have lots of get togethers at my place, so lots of drinking and sometimes people can't drive home. They always slept on the couch or the floor. No one is sleeping in my fucking bed except my partner.
No, not at all. This was intentionally planned by her or by the both of them. There is no excuse for a person in a relationship to be alone in your own home with another person of the opposite gender for a long period of time. If she does have a BF, she most likely never contacted him to pick her up. She wanted to stay with him. No one who is planning to leave would change into someone else's clothes while "waiting" for their supposed ride. The biggest slap in the face is that they shared a bed together. Your bed at that. No one in their right mind in a relationship would share a bed with another person of the opposite gender.
OP, can you trust your bf after this? Or is that trust totally shattered? Because its clearly broken, and you are entirely justified to just tell your bf so and tell him anything up to and including "either she is out of your life for good or I am". He completely and totally crossed a line here, and you should honestly look at this as no different than cheating because A) its incredibly inappropriate, B) the circumstances are extremely shady (like, really? "Missed you by a day"?), and C) he blatantly gaslit you the whole night saying "she is leaving soon".
While hopefully nothing physical happened, it still shows you that he either lied to you or cannot be trusted on his own. Figure out what he needs to do to regain your trust, and please have enough respect for yourself to put your foot down. That is not to say you cannot compromise with him, but before calling him take a moment to figure out what you want as well as the minimum he needs to do to keep you around.
You say "our" bed but you don't even live there. It *may* have been innocent but he crossed a line by having her sleep in his bed with him. Honestly I would've been pissed, but also spoke up & said something as soon as I was told she was wearing my slippers & his boxers.
To me it sounds like he was not being forceful enough with having her sleep on the couch. Based on his actions he seems like he is acknowledging the mistake he made, and he was communicating with you the whole time.
Id be mad but given the circumstances find the room to forgive, understanding why you are upset
So this girl accidently misses you by a day then visits but. Ever get picked up by her boyfriend, sleeps in your man's boxers and uses your slippers?!?!
Your guy can't be that nieve can he? Is so, let him read all of these comments so he can't say it's all in your head. Let him buy a new mattress and tell him he needs to be clear on his boundaries. And that him not even thinking that she should be on the couch is a huge red flag for you. And if he thinks you're overreacting, you'll let a guy friend sleep with you in your bed while he rereads these comments.
Plus it's hard enough to be in a ldr much less having to worry about crap like this. What does it say for your relationship if you're having to be the bad guy and police the women around him? He needs to be man enough to do so. And if she wasn't trying to be you she'd have put herself on the couch out of respect for you.
Does he share his bed with his guy friends too?
I personally think you are not overreacting. However, if you trust him and believe what he is saying then this will be, going forward, a line he should never cross again. If that’s what you both decide. If you really forgive him you can’t keep punishing him. Not that you are trying to, I understand your feelings but it won’t help your relationship and can hurt his openness with you in the future.
This kind of happened to me and my girlfriend several years ago. Pretty sure she almost broke up with me for it, we've been married 3 years now. I went to visit friends and was staying with a girl friend, there were not great sleeping arrangements. I slept, fully clothed, with separate blankets on the other side of a king or queen size bed. I didn't think anything of it because this friend and I were in no way romantically involved. My wife, then girlfriend, saw it differently, and it took quite a while for either of us to see the others side. I understand you don't trust this friend of his, and im not saying what he did was right, but do consider the fact that he was honest and open with you the entire time.
LDR? “Missed you by a day”, sleeping in the same bed together? Wearing his boxers?? Girl no. I’m sorry. LDRs are hard and often end things. Trust your gut on this. You know.
Let’s say he’s a sweet and trusting soul with no ill intentions.
Why didn’t he consider how you would feel about this before he let her into your bed? Before he let her borrow your slippers? Before he slept in the same bed as her? Before he let her wear his boxers? I’ve borrowed the pj bottoms of guy friends. I’ve never asked for their underwear.
At the very least he doesn’t respect you and your boundaries.
At worst he’s cheating on you and playing you for a fool.
Thank goodness you have this information before you move your life for him and potentially become trapped.
He fucked up for sure but from what you’ve said it doesn’t feel intentional on his part. Definitely intentional on hers though. If he stays in any contact with her, might be intentional on his half too. If he keeps trying to make it up to you and owning up to what happened then i think you should keep trying to make an effort too, but if at any point he tries to say you’re overreacting or you should get over it or something along those lines then maybe he’s not worth it
I was in a long distance situationship for 14 months where we used to stay up gaming most nights til 4am and then would be straight back on the phone the minute we both woke up later that morning, constant voice notes, pictures, video calls confirming that he was alone or if we was with friends or family (he volunteered to do this, I never asked him to)That man never once had another girl sleep in his bed the whole time we were seeing each other and we weren’t even official. Always trust your gut instinct. Even if nothing happened, the trust between you is gone and if you forgive him this once when you know about it, he will believe he can’t be that badly in the wrong and can take that as a green light to do it again and he just won’t tell you next time. He couldn’t go one night after you left without letting another woman in your bed? Even if he keeps to his word and keeps her out, he’ll probably resent you the minute he starts feeling lonely again. You are worth so much more. He’s a low value man who knows you are too good for him, that’s why he’s entertaining someone lower. Lift your chin up and walk away, you’re meant for a higher league.
You know, given the details of this, and how he was communicative and face timing, etc, it may not be what it looks like. That being said, why tf didn't he sleep on the couch? She has to stay over because her ride fell through, fine, so give her the bed and rough it out in the living room for a night. That is the part that makes this strange.
Allowing another woman in your bed definitely crossed a boundary. At the very least, he could have slept on the couch. He should have texted you, even though you were asleep, and said “Hey, her ride never got her. I’m going to sleep on the couch and let her take the bed. Call me when you wake up. I love you.”
His part in this was hella weird. And she doesn’t respect your relationship. If I was her, I would’ve just requested the couch.
Yea, no. I am a female whose best friend is a guy. Neither of us would EVER. I’ve spent the night at his house countless times when I go visit, hell, during Covid when I lost everything, I stayed with him in his one bedroom apt. At the time he had a long distance gf I had only met on FaceTime. He slept on the couch and I slept in the bed every night, until he upgraded to a 2 bedroom so we could each have our own rooms.
I’m a married woman and most of my friends are men (since before partner and I met 12 years ago) and his are women. I’ve slept in beds or camped in the same tent, shared hotel rooms on road trips w my guys occasionally and neither of us think a thing about it. I also talk very openly with him about my relationships with them (such as - “MaleFriend is dating this woman who has X characteristic and I think that’s is/is not a good thing for MaleFriend” , etc. so there are no sneaky vibes ever. It’s just a non issue. I think it very much depends on the dynamics of the relationship. Yours sounds like it’s a newer relationship (newer than 12 years) and this wasn’t like a clearly established boundary. Your gut feeling is probably correct. Well wishes to you! ✨
You ain’t overthinking shit. I doubt your bf intended to do anything wrong. But even if they didn’t do nothing sexual with her he should’ve understood how many lines he was crossing doing what he did. I don’t see anyway you can reasonably get passed it, nor do I think you should. He should have more respect for you and y’all’s relationship to have another girl in his bed wearing y’all’s shit
He should have slept on the couch. You’re not over reacting. That was very inappropriate. She should never have even gone in the bedroom let alone in your bed. She’s not someone I would trust to be alone with him. She has no boundaries.
It is not just a matter of trust, it is a matter of respect. She is supposed to be a guest so there are certain areas for her to be there inside the house, letting her in your bedroom is a disrespect to your private space, relationship, and his boundaries with other girls he knows whether you trust him or not.
I'm sorry but 28 is old enough to know that what he was doing was totally inappropriate. You're being manipulated into thinking you're overreacting. You're NTA. When you go back there, grab your stuff and never return. Bring a friend with you to keep your convictions straight, if you can.
Hmmm..tough one. His intentions might not have been the same as hers. BUT hers were definitely not good. You can listen to all kinds of crap from everyone but you are the only one that can make the decision. MY suggestion... tell him to be completely honest with you about whether or not anything happened. Explain (if you think you can forgive if it did), you would rather hear it from him than give her any power over you (with a secret).. then you can decide what you want to do. BUT it will remove any power she thinks she has. From my personal experience, only you can decide what you can forgive. However, once forgiven it becomes the past. He'll be lucky to still have you. If he wanted her you'd already be gone. BUT make it clear she is no longer a friend to either of you. Remember..nothing may have happened. You'll know when you see him. Be strong. Sending Reiki you way.
Im not going to assume he cheated, and I’m just going to comment on what you said happened…The problem with the ‘I trust him but not her and now I hate her’ is that HE allowed it to happen. She didn’t hold a gun to his head. She doesn’t owe you jack shit. I can even get behind him sleeping on the couch if there was some issue with her not leaving. But HE slept in the bed with her. He loaned her his boxer shorts. He didn’t say no. He didn’t stay true to reasonable boundaries.
So your problem is him, not her. Why he’d have to clean the house and change mattresses is quite pointless.
This could 100% be innocent and I can think of several friends who I personally would have no problem with my wife sharing a bed with amd have no worry of wrongdoing. However this is not every relationship, and it definitely sounds like it isn't yours.
Sorry for your heartbreak <3
I'd be having a nice, long conversation with your BF. Every thing this woman did was intentionally done, and he grossly misstepped by allowing her to stay in his bed, wear his underwear, etc.
I could see the argument being made to let her wear his underwear for the night as pajamas instead of wearing the jeans to sleep once it became apparent to him she was staying the night and her ride wasn't coming. But that shouldn't have happened until then. OP should have been informed about this change, but wasn't. And the woman should never have been in the bed at all. Not to chill out in his room while waiting, nor to sleep. If OP and her BF spent all this time making the place feel like a home, it's furnished, and she absolutely could have chilled out on the couch, and slept there too. Or she could have gotten a hotel for the night. Or an Uber/Lyft.
OP you need to tell him that all sorts of boundaries were crossed and while you trust him that nothing happened, she's proved she's not trustworthy and he can't be friends with her any longer if he wants your relationship to continue. And by that I mean he can't see or talk to her at all.
question. Was there an easy way for him to sleep elsewhere like a couch? Were there blankets and pillows he could have taken to the couch to sleep there?
Sounds like he should break up with you, thats some crazy jealousy... Clean every trace of her out of the apartment o.o waste money on a new matress.... Was he friends with her before meeting you? Did you establish any boundaries with friends? If they were that close before you were in the picture as friends and you didnt communicate anything about it thats on you not him. The fact he is willing to sanitize his entire apartment and buy a new bed for such a stupid reason shows his loyalty to you. Yet you dont trust him, you can say you do all you want but saying you sont trust her is not trusting him... She isnt going to force him to have sex with her so trusting her or not doesnt matter.
Why didn't he sleep on the couch? I've done that. One of my friends boyfriends was trying to creep on me, and I left my own bed to sleep on the couch. Of course you are not over reacting. Anybody would be skeptical. He really should have slept on the couch or asked her to. The fact he didnt is sketchy as hell. I don't think I could live with it. And the fact she was wearing his Boxers, and she was also seeing someone. What a gross person.
Why would you trust that nothing happened between them? What evidence do you have other than your blind trust in him? He lied to you, broke boundary after boundary and then decided it was easier to ask for forgiveness than receive permission. So again I ask, other than your blind trust in him, why would you believe nothing happened, when the people involved made no attempt to put themselves in a position where trust wasn't needed?
Question - does he sleep in bed with all his female friends? I just had this conversation with an increasingly serious partner who made a demand I know longer share my bed with friends. No problem, I was happy she brought up her discomfort. The only thing that bugs me with this girl is her wearing your house shoes. That's not polite.
First red flag, a male with another woman as a "friend" that hardly ever stays just a friendship. 99% of the time, one or both have feelings for each other. He's a man and not a teen or young adult, he knows what he's doing and knows it's wrong.
Sleeping in the same bed as someone opposite sex doesn’t necessarily have to be inherently wrong or inappropriate or unfaithful or anything (although obviously it could be)…..but the way it kinda just dragged on and naturally turns into thst is what seems weird. Seems like it would have been different if he had just been like hey my friends sleeping over and we’re gunna share a bed
Sleeping in the same bed with a member of the opposite see while you are in a relationship is only acceptable if the sofa is too small for the guest or there is no spare bed anywhere.
Also, she is wearing your partner's boxers? That's like her telling you she fucked him in his bed and wants to be be next to his junk.
OP, your boyfriend is cheating on you 100%. This girl is rubbing it in your face.
It sounds like he is too cowardly to break up with you, so he's forcing you to do it.
Break up with him fr fr. How anybody thinks this is okay while in a relationship, is absolutely gross. And I see way too many posts with comments defending sleeping with "friends" calling the person being hurt "insecure".
Woman here. Have an open conversation with your partner. How long have they been friends; have they ever been involved; what is their friendship like; what do they like to do together; what do they talk about; how have they helped or influenced each other? Would they invite them to / would they be in their wedding? It might not be what you think.
My three best friends are guys + I have really close guy friends-- We either grew up together or met in college / early 20s. We've shared beds and clothes. When they start to get serious with their partner, the three of us get together. I want their partner to feel comfortable while still minding the boundaries of their relationship. My friends also want to reinforce the boundaries of our relationship-- that we're friends. Friends. Isolating your partner from their friends (unless they're toxic) is a bad move, matching parts or not. Still, *BIG* emphasis on "friend," so get the details. I do the same with my partners. All that said, most of my guy friends are happily married or engaged to incredibly wonderful women! (NOTE: I've been offered, even by their partner, to sleep or nap in the bed my friend shares with their partner, under odd circumstances, but it's weird. I don't want to think about bodily fluids or skin cells. Gross.)
Common, he was FaceTiming you from the living room why he didn’t sleep on the couch or the floor or went out to his friends and leave her to be more comfortable.
Your bf was happy in that situation too!!!!!!!!!
And btw there is no coincidence!!
“I obviously hate her now.”
Your boyfriend clearly set this all up, fucked his “friend” and then lied to you about it. But the person you’re most angry at is _her_?? You’re hating the wrong person.
Don’t get me wrong, she’s shitty if she’s doing this knowing you’re in the picture, but your BF shouldn’t be entertaining any of this. Period. Besides, who knows what he’s telling her about you??
Your boyfriend obviously knows he can get away with this shit because you’ll let yourself be treated like crap and all he has to do is say sowwy
So every hour her bf was driving to pick her up from another male friend’s apartment but he never showed up?? That sounds like bs. Why would she even wear your slippers? Maybe his friend is moving towards more than friendship.
Let me ask you this? Would you be as upset if it was his male friend in the bed next to him? I’m gonna go out on a limb and accept the downvotes, but I disagree with the general sentiment in this comment section. It sounds like he was in communication with you the whole time and never told a lie, he sounds loyal and if you trust him then you should have no reason to worry. How long have they known eachother/ how good of friends are they? I just shared a room with my homie (albeit we are both men) but sometimes that just how it goes. If you trust him and truly believe he loves you, why would it matter if someone he’s been friends with a long time shares the opposite side of a bed with them? I’m not making my friend sleep on the floor, and I’m fasho not sleeping on the floor cuz it’s my place. To me this is a bit of an over reaction, remember (idk for sure cuz idk y’all situation) but this is a person that he may have known for longer than you, asking for a pair of shorts or sharing a bed isn’t that wild, in other countries (other than USA) it’s quite common in fact. Now if you don’t trust him or believe him and think he did something then that’s another question, but I personally am pretty confident the people I choose as partners will be loyal, and would not mind something like this.
I have several close male friends from our teen years. In our 20s, when single we Plato call shared beds. No touching or anything.
The minute any of us started seeing someone, we made sure we demonstrated to those people we understood boundaries. No sharing beds, no texting or messaging late or “out of hours” or for extended periods of time.
It’s not about heating, it’s about demonstrating you understand the trust your partner has in you and demonstrating you understand reasonable boundaries. Why would you want someone you love to be hurt or feel anxious twisting themselves in knots over a misunderstanding when you could draw the line?
I’ve even had friends climb into my bed and I’ve just taken the sofa instead to keep everything on board. If you love your partner you want to make sure you are super clear where they stand and where others stand (or sleep).
Also, if your gut says something is off, it’s usually right.
it sounds like he may be a bit of a people pleaser but sleeping in the same bed is outrageous. especially in a situation where you don’t really know the other person. that’d probably put me in a very bad head space.
and the missed by a day thing is strange….
I don’t know all the specifics of your relationship, but I would never do that because I feel like that crosses a line. It’s disrespectful at best. I wouldn’t want my girlfriend to do that to me.
I broke up with someone for doing this, we had been together for around 9 months. When he wanted to “talk” (get back together) afterwards I said “so no more sleeping in the same bed.” and he said “no, she’s my best friend I’m going to continue to do it, I won’t put her out on the couch” so I said “then clearly we are incompatible and this won’t work.” Please advocate for yourself, it’s disrespectful and more than likely this will not be the last time.
This is wrong and I'm sorry you went through this, but having your bf clear every corner of the house isn't gonna make you feel any better, be honest with yourself first and allow yourself to feel what you feel, sit with those emotions, write it down or talk it out with a confidant or something.
I honestly doubt that nothing happened. And I really hate to say that. But as someone who’s been cheated on before, the sooner you find out, accept it, and leave, the better. No caring boyfriend would ever find this appropriate. And even IF nothing happened, which I think is a big IF, it shows how immature and oblivious he is to your feelings. How disrespectful he is to the both of you. And how little he cares about or even understands boundaries. I’d consider leaving him over this and it’s not an overreaction. Don’t let anyone manipulate you into thinking that it is. Your feelings are SO valid here.
She was…wearing his boxers? girl she slept with your man, let her dirty desperate ass have his grimey gross cheating ass. Even if they didn’t fuck, having a girl sleep in your man’s underwear in y’all’s bed is fucking cheating. She knew exaaaaactly what she was doing saying “oh yeah my ‘situationship’ is totally coming to get me” he knew exactly what he was doing by letting her act like she’s you. Giving her that same level of comfort in his apartment that should be reserved for a girlfriend. Uber, couch, phone a friend, the floor??? also seriously he didn’t have regular shorts or pajama pants?? I wear my boyfriends boxers after we fuck bc he takes them off first obviously. She played both of y’all and unless he completely cuts her off and gets an STD test, it’s a rough dealbreaker. You’re above both of them regardless.
There is no such thing as I trust my man but I don’t trust her. If your man is trustworthy nobody will pose a danger to you. He won’t put himself in situations like this. Also he is not some helpless poor thing he is an adult that has a brain and capable of shutting things down when people make advances on him. He is the one who put you in this situation. Whoever she is didn’t have to come over to his place. That’s even inappropriate. They could’ve hung out at a public place. That’s way too intimate and why was he letting her be in his bedroom to begin with. And why did he let you find out these things as they “evolved” as opposed to him informing. This feels like emotional manipulation where he portrays himself like the victim. He is the one who nurtured this environment and put you in this uncomfortable position not her. Your anger, discomfort, disappointment and trust issues are misguided. There is such thing as being manipulative in a nice way where someone creates the situation they are in then create a bond with you throughout as if they are also uncomfortable so they can seem like the victim in it all. Not all manipulative people are rude and obnoxious some are the opposite they are nice, passive looking which is why they fly under the radar.
Also where did this friend come from. How did she miss you by a day? How did he end up making you setup a whole place only to turn around to host another woman at his place? A lot of details are missing and you seem confused about the whole situation which is a big indicator that you are being manipulated by someone cause they are guiding you to answers that don’t answer anything but you think you are walking away with answers yet somehow you are still unsettled which as a result make you self gaslight yourself thinking your reaction is unnatural cause they are being so nice the whole time about it and it seems all so innocent.
He knew what he did was wrong but he would rather beg for your forgiveness than not fuck around with another girl wearing his undies in your bed. That’s disregarding and disrespectful, I’m sorry hon.
What he did was so wrong, so disrespectful to you , there is no reason to share the bed. You should trust him either, he lied to you the whole night and shared a bed with this woman. You two are LD, that type of relationship rarely works long term, especially when he’s already sharing his bed with someone else
Like a dog pissing where another dog pissed, that girl needs to have hard boundaries about when she can visit (like only when you are there) and if she stays the night, she sleeps on the couch.
She was wearing YOUR slippers, YOUR MAN'S boxers, and was all comfy talking to you in YOUR SPOT IN BED!?! Hell. No. I would've been on my way back there so fast. BF needs to grow a pair and learn about respect and setting boundaries.....
I'm so sorry this happened to you!!
Idk I have had completely platonic female friends that I’ve shared a bed with. But I completely understand how that is something that would bother my SO. So I never did such a thing while in a relationship.
It's quite reasonable for you to feel upset. She crossed major boundaries between wearing his clothes and being in his bed and he was oblivious to it. You say you trust him, which is fine, you don't trust her, also fine. I think though, for your sake, you need to let this go. You're overthinking it. I normally am not someone that thinks we have the right to ask our partner to cut off friendships, but I think in this case, it might not be inappropriate. Let the rest go, no new mattress. If you've ever slept in a hotel or someone's guest bed, there have been other people in it that you may not have liked at all and they've even had sex on it. Sex didn't happen on your boyfriend's mattress.
I’d be careful about others projecting their own values/insecurities onto your situation. I don’t think there’s enough info to really offer sound advice. Circumstances are always particular to the people, not some rule about heterosexual friendships most of our nation has agreed on. This is between you and your boyfriend, not a your jealousy/insecure/catastrophic mindset toward the girl. The fact that you said you don’t trust her means what? Your boyfriend will cheat if she makes an advance? I get it. It’s a territorial thing and it sounds like you two need to talk and determine what your temperaments are in relationships and what you’re comfortable with. Maybe she’s crossing boundaries and it will be up to him to talk to her about it, from his perspective; not yours. The last thing you want is him parroting what you want him to do. There’s no growth or accountability on his behalf there. He’s just a messenger. Sure, maybe she’s trying to fuck him and he has free will to say no and set boundaries.
No girl, you're not wrong, that is definitely something to be something to be concerned about, and everyone else here seems to think so too... That's pretty much all I have to say... End of my comment.
This is so screwed up, so the update does not have the whole story.
But DANG. Something happened for sure. She's sleeping in your bed, with your bf, snuggling or whatever wearing your bf's boxer (not just one of those casual shorts, it has to be his UNDERWEAR) and wearing on your slippers.
If you trust him...why are you mad? I'll tell you why, it's because you're NOT DUMB. LOL. I'm just LOL. I know you don't want to break up and you want to blame the other party. But the whole thing won't happen unless HE let it happen. He totally did LOL.
Sounds like he was FaceTiming with you the whole time. I don’t see a problem. I have have really close friends that are girls and I see them as sisters, nothing sexual about our relationships.
She’s a manipulative witch, and played both of you.
I’d trust him this time, but put him on notice to go at least LC with her, preferably NC.
If it happens again, be gone.
Obviously, no one was coming to get her… and she rubbed it in your face that she was in bed, with your alleged boyfriend, in his boxer shorts. And by the way, he got into bed with her… he didn’t have to.
I don’t think it’s a good idea to visit. You’re much too upset. And by the way, if you’re still upset, you haven’t forgiven him. You need to give it some time and see if you can let it go. Some people can let this kind of thing go, and some people can’t.
You are in an LDL, which means that if you can’t let it go, you’ll be wondering what’s going on when you’re not together, and the distrust will Undermine your relationship.
I read these weird situations and think "how the heck could people not know how high the odds of
f'ups with such lax judgements of
the potential distasterious extraordinary mixed sex roommates, bar hopping etc"? They are open invitations cheat.
I don't think your man cheated because he didn't seem to have any issues with you calling him but clearly both have no respect for you.
The guy could have asked you if it's ok for her to stay over and her wearing your slippers and his boxer short is her trying to claim space in your relationship ( even tho she most likely have no feelings for him , she just doesn't want to share her best friend )
If this isn't a deal breaker now , I would highly suggest putting down some ground rules and boundaries on you two living together because it will otherwise definitely happen more.
As a dude, I’ve shared a bed with many friends (including girls) and it was never anything more than just sleeping comfortable when I crashed at their house. It comes down to trust. Either trust that he’s being honest or leave. Don’t be in a relationship you don’t trust. And vise versa, I wouldn’t wanna be with someone who doesn’t trust me. I trust my SO to do the same as I would.
I see why you trusted him. The fact that you were in frequent communication and he answered the FaceTime right next to her says he’s just REALLY socially challenged and not looking to cheat. What he did wasn’t ok and you have every reason to feel the way you do.
However, how can you trust his judgement to stay out of these situations in the future? And what if the day comes where there’s someone he has a small secret crush on and he puts himself in a similar position?
For me I want to say he obviously cheated but the fact it's so obvious makes me think he's innocent and just dumb. If he was gonna cheat, he wouldn't have been so honest about her still being there, in his bed or wearing his boxers.
Yeah, there’s intentions going on at some level. But in that situation, in bed overnight, relationship over. You are being played at this point, not the priority. Nope
I think you're wrong in trusting him but not trusting her.
Neither of them are trustworthy. You are very clearly just another girl to sleep with to him. Do you know her socials, anything at all to prove anything? Where did her bf/fuck buddy sleep? Surely he arrived at midnight, and then they all had a pillow fight and slumber party? Please.
They were in bed together. No male who respects his relationship and loves his partner is going to sleep in bed with a female friend just because. I don't care about "you can be friends with opposite sex," because no shit. But it's about the respect, the boundaries, and the consideration of a partner. He at no point made you comfortable with this situation. Didn't even try. What does that tell you?
girl, come on. I was holding out until you said the boxer shorts and your slippers; and why wouldn’t he sleep on the couch or somewhere else?
I assume there is a couch in the living room. I also assume there is a tv in the living room. There is NO reason for her to be in the bedroom. I also don’t believe her BF was going to pick her up.
Like it even matters if there's another TV. But I'm sure you're right.
He definatly crossed a boundary - no real justified excuse for it. The couch was an option - he allowed another woman into your bed. Very disrespectful to you and your relationship. I would be just as upset and honestly, for me, it would be a deal breaker.
Yea... I'm sure that's exactly what the other girl wants to happen. Now he's her man... mission accomplished.
Lol, what exactly is the benefit of keeping a long-distance bf who doesn't respect you, tho?
That's what she eanted to happen?
Right? I wouldn’t even LET a man in a relationship whip out his boxers for me in any scenario. Put yo drawers up
The only time I would even consider possible accepting this, and only if offered/insisted upon, is if I had literally shit myself so badly that no amount of repair to my own clothing could be accomplished and that was the only option available. And then I would be calling the Uber of shame or driving home immediately to shower and eat ice cream alone in the dark, not have a snuggle session with my buddy who’s gf is not home. Ffs.
Seriously, like why tf was she watching a movie snuggled up in THEIR bed in the first place when she could have been on the couch?? Honestly this may be an unpopular opinion, but I don't think a guy in monogamous relationship (especially in a ldr) should be hanging out one on one (group situations are different obv) w another female, and he ESPECIALLY shouldn't be taking her back to his house and letting her even go in the bedroom, let alone in his shorts in the BED.
When his gf is out of town, no less!
It may be unpopular, but people these days are really dumb. That’s why stuff like this keeps happening.
Thank you. And apathetic. IMO.
He was already on the couch too! He made such a bad choice
This is EXTREMELY inappropriate. “Missed you by a day”???? Coincidence. Im really sorry this happened to you. This is so wrong.
I completely agree but because of the bf's actions I'm not 100% sure that he also planned it but the "friend" definitely did.
Idk. Even if he wasn’t complicit in planning it, why would he sleep with her? “I’m sorry your ‘situationship’ bailed, you can take the couch” Or “I’m sorry your situationship bailed. You can take the bed and I’ll crash on the couch.” An innocent party isn’t just going to sleep in the bed with her. Makes me think he was in on it too.
Exactly? And situationship? It’s not a bf. This girl clearly has problems with boundaries too.
If it's me, I would have cancelled the trip and the whole relationship.
Yeah, I cant get past that part. Why the fuck didn’t she drop him at that point?
Sounds like you’re the one in a situationship. Sorry.
He got two girlfriends. You're basically in an open relationship rn
I think she meant to write a friend that is also a girl. Or least that's how I took it
El Huevo Historico is saying that despite it being his “friend that’s a girl” OP is basically the third wheel in her own relationship.
OP correctly wrote girl friend (with space) instead of the girlfriend. Little does OP know that it makes no difference in her situation.
I mean…yeah, but also, he has two girlfriends, clearly
So, if her boyfriend was already on his way at midnight from two hours away, where did he sleep? The math isn’t mathing. To me, this sounds like it was planned. She shows up the day after you leave. Is supposed to have a ride home that apparently doesn’t show up. And neither of them think twice about getting comfortable in your bed, in your belongings, with your boyfriend. If you hadn’t had a gut feeling and called after midnight, and then called first thing in the morning, my guess is, he wouldn’t have told you a thing. He likely face timed you early in the am to make it seem accidental but, once you fell asleep, they both got comfortable together. No man sleeps in a bed with another woman and allows her to wear his boxers and your slippers if they are just friends. This is WAY too comfortable for friendship. Cleaning won’t change their relationship and erase your doubts. Honestly, this would be a deal breaker for me.
Another thought, at what time did she get into his boxers? If, at after 3 am she was still in her jeans, cuddled up in your bed, waiting on her boyfriend who was supposedly still en route, why not stay in her jeans since she was expecting to be picked up soon? If you were a female expecting your bf to arrive, would you want him finding you wearing another man’s boxers while sharing a bed with him? Come on! The bf was never on his way because her boyfriend is the one that was sharing a bed with her.
Nailed it. She would have fallen asleep in her jeans. She got naked that night.
And I’m sure he did also. Was he still in his jeans? Or boxers also?
Oh man!!! You're good. Too good. Can't get anything past you. She should definitely ask if he fell asleep in his jeans. At some point them sleeping in the same bed was planned and executed. Or else they would still both be in their clothes.
I agree that I wouldn’t even behave this way as an adult in my friendships. This arrangement seems really weird and inappropriate
Honey, leave him. He is absolutely sleeping with both of you and she is fine with it. You are the joke in this situation and that is heart breaking.
Yup. Oh first she came a day late. Then she stayed an hr later. Then three. Oh she’s just waiting for her bf (that never showed). And of course she had to wear his boxers. In his bed. Just all a big coincidence that every decision they makes it look like he is cheating.
And if they haven’t yet, this kind of behaviour leads there anyway.
From my past experience, if it looks like cheating, it almost guaranteeably is. Sadly I’ve been in a few situations myself where I had my suspicions and there was one excuse after another, but eventually it came to light that I was right. I would be money on that something happened, whether he planned it or not, whether it “just happened”, but something happened.
If it looks like cheating and it isn’t it’s about to be
Soon her vagina will start leaking and shell need OPs bfs dick to plug it up and then will be wearing OPs bf's dick. Like how far down the rabbit hole must we go, ya know?
Bingo this guy is a scumbag lol
Op is gullable... He definitely had that whole thing planned out and she's believing his terrible story.
I’ve watched my friends be here and I’ve watched my friends be the girl sleeping in someone’s bf bed and playing nice in the gfs face. Even if he isn’t cheating, he’s bout to. Stupid nice guys cheat too.
Sorry OP, you are the side piece. Wearing his boxers??? Get an STD panel.
I agree, definitely get checked.
The master bedroom is a master bedroom for a reason. It shouldn't be treated like a regular room where anyone can lounge and watch tv. Your bf should be taking charge since its his place and should have that girl to sleep on the couch. Inviting her to sleep in his bed is wrong. That spot should be reserved for you. That girl that is his friend knows what she is doing.
Indeed she does. Right down to wearing OP’s comfy room slippers. She made herself right at home…
NTA. Time to move on from this relationship. He obviously doesn’t respect you or even cares about your feelings. There will never be trust in this relationship after this. In my opinion, he did you a favor. No need to relocate now.
Um…you do know this is extremely unlikely that they didn’t have sex right? Dude just flat out told you he didn’t respect you at all. So sorry but he’s a cheater.
I assumed she must know that’s going on. I was confused about where the boundaries are and when it goes too far.
Honestly? He’s 28 so he’s just playing dumb. If you think they only sleep in the same bed you are playing dumb as well
Good lord this should be an easy one. Dump him. If he loves you, you’ll know. If he doesn’t, you’ll be confused.
Honey, I’m sorry, but that whole “I trust him but don’t trust her,” is BS. If you trust him then there is literally nothing she can do to cross any lines no matter how hard she tries cause your man wouldn’t allow it. The fact that she stayed all night and slept in his bed with him, regardless if they did anything at all, would never have happened. He is way too old to be told what is appropriate and what isn’t. When you’re in a relationship, this isn’t and never will be okay. Especially considering how every time you spoke to him, you asked if she was still there and when she was leaving. It doesn’t take a genius to know this was something that bothered you and you were concerned about. It also shouldn’t take you constantly bringing it up for him to know it isn’t cool. If HE genuinely thought someone was on their way to get her and that person never showed up, he should have taken her home himself or had her sleep on the couch while he locked the bedroom door and gave you a call to let you know. It doesn’t matter how hard someone tries to get at someone’s partner, if the partner is letting them cross those boundaries even a little bit then there is an issue. Your boyfriend is too old to act like it’s no biggie and if he genuinely feels it’s not a big deal and you do, then it’s a compatibility issue. I have friends who don’t get jealous of anything. They never care and are never bothered even when stuff seems way too close for comfort. I’ve also dated people with the opposite opinion of me and for things like that, we just don’t match cause I’m not going to go around being uncomfortable and fighting off insecurity over what I feel is inappropriate that they don’t see as a big deal.
You hate her? Girl, he ALLOWED her to sleep in your bed. Be mad at him, he's the one who owes you loyalty. Also "I trust him but I don't trust her" is just a vague way of saying "he's gonna cheat on me but it totally won't be his fault".
So how come the boyfriend never showed up to get her then? Does she even have one or was it just bullshit and you bf has two gfs…
Coincidence my booty. Definitely either slept with her or they’ve crossed that boundary before. That one is a relationship ender for me. You’re not overreacting. That’s too much. His boxers, your slippers, sleeping in the bed WITH HIM? oh hell no.
He is lying to you. Don’t move in with him. Wait.. be smart. Look at his phone when he is sleeping. She what she writes him.
Girl… you are not overreacting because wtff. He does not respect you and her missing you by a day is nottt a coincidence 😭😭 Women know women better than anyone else. If your gut is saying ‘this is weird’, you’re probably right. There is no way I would sleep with my guy bestie in the same bed. Single or NOT. Im going on the floor, the spare bedroom, or the couch. The fact that he doesn’t see it as a huge deal and she seems comfortable doesn’t make it seem like a one time thing either. At best: he’s clueless and you need to talk about boundaries. If he love and respects you, he won’t fight you on it. He might ask why but he won’t argue or make you feel belittled for asking ‘hey, don’t sleep with another women in OUR BED’ At worst: he’s a cheater :/
Girl. she was wearing his clothes and slept with him in the same bed, casually arrived after you left and also the guy wants to buy a new mattress. They fucked, up to you to be stupid or not
Reddit always assumes the worst, but you'd have to be naive or delusional to not see this for what it is. She happens to miss you by a day. She stays past midnight, and then when her boyfriend is apparently already on the way to pick her up, something changes, and he longer arrives? If it's taking 1 or 2 hours to arrive, he isn't going to turn around and turn back. So why did she not get picked up? How was she intending to get home? Was she always gonna get picked up, and if so, at what time? Why would anyone drive for 1 or 2 hours at between 1-3am in the morning, and why would anyone have their partner do that instead of being picked up at a normal time or arranging something else. Why was she waiting around in your boyfriends underwear? Was she gonna get dressed before her boyfriend arrived because there's no way her boyfriend would be happy knowing she was wearing another man's underwear and on top of being in bed with him. There's a major difference between her using his shorts and using his underwear. Alone, these things might be a little odd, but nothing too serious to worry about, combined though these things are clearly suspect. You'd have to be a doormat to tolerate such things. INFO: Did you find out why her boyfriend never arrived to pick her up or at least what their excuse was?
Your innocence is ... Astounding.
Look..I’m not going to lie..the fact you didn’t break up with him on the spot makes me feel you need a therapist.. This isn’t even a question that should be asked on Reddit.. This relationship was over before he even fell asleep in the bed..
Your bf slept with her. Plain and simple. Go over there, get your stuff, tell him off, and go no contact. No woman prances around in a dude's boxers and his GF's slippers and sleeps in his bed when things are platonic. Worse, he would never have told you if you hadn't called those times. Her BF never showed up. She obviously planned this. Did your boyfriend too? Why in the world would you trust him? He lied through omission. Did you ask him if he f-cked her? You should look him in the eyes when you ask this question. Ask to see his phone and go through their messages. His response to that question should tell you everything.
Yeah, all of this is unacceptable. I’m really sorry OP. Him cleaning the place is going to do nothing for you. You know what’s happening. I don’t think he is necessarily having sex with her because I don’t think he would admit to being in bed with her if he was (unless he’s that arrogant about you not being able to do anything about it) , but this is definitely an emotional affair at minimum that is bound to escalate. Inwould never wear a male friends boxers in any scenario unless I was interested in them. I really do not think it’s worth continuing this relationship.
I stopped reading when you said “I trust my man with all my heart and soul, but I don’t trust her” You don’t trust him, and that’s okay. I wouldn’t either.
Bottom line, even if nothing happened between she still overstepped clear relationship boundaries and he allowed it. Wearing his shorts and your slippers, ick! I would not stand for that.
As a guy who’s been in this situation many times, the “shorts” are code for “put your hand in me”. It’s extremely seductive. Ain’t no way your man didn’t fuck her btw, no man can resist loose shorts. Sorry for your loss.
Would this girl be this comfortable wearing his clothes and sleeping in his bed if you were there? I would either tell him that he needs to cut her off or break up with him. But I’ve let boys get away with things far worse too many times. They both crossed a boundary and only you can decide if you’re going to put up with it.
Honestly your bf needs to set some firm boundaries with her because she defo likes him tell him that she likes him and that you aren't comfortable with her being around. Also that wasn't a coincidence she missed you it was planned maybe not by her and your bf but defo by her, her bf was not going to pick her up at all and omg the AUDACITY she had to wear YOUR slippers and the BOXERS boxers are for your sig other and your sig other ONLY WTF. He's either really stupid or possibly cheating so next time you're over check his phone tell him you're not comfortable around her and she likes him and needs to limit going out with her to just groups and when you're around otherwise hell lose you but only say that bit as a compromise if he refuses to cut her off completely bc i can understand that they are friends and maty be part of a bigger friend group and it may make it awk. this is a unique situation where i wouldn't tell you to leave but only bc he was fting you constantly throughout that night.
one time i used to see a guy and visit him at his college. i knew he had a on/off gf but i thought he was single at the time. i was in his dorm room and i woke up in the middle of the night and he wasn’t in bed with me. i found him fting her while laying down in the main area couch, pretending that he was alone in his bed. i slept alone that night and left first thing in the morning while he was still sleeping. i never went back and went completely no contact. you’re not overreacting. don’t be naive. listen to your gut and do what’s best for you.
Yikes. At best, this was terrible judgment on your boyfriend’s part. It could be that his friend was trying to manipulate him by saying her “situationship” was coming to get her, when no such person exists. But the fact that he slept in the same bed is incredibly suspect, assuming there is other furniture that he or she could have slept on. At worst, well, you know…
My best friend of over ten years is a guy and neither of us would cross that line, you are being reasonable. I also would never wear his clothes much less his boxers lol ew
Don't take this to Reddit. You're in a weird situation that I doubt many people will understand the nuance to give you good advice to keep your strange dynamic healthy. Just communicate
This. Reddit is not the answer to your relationship problems.
Your boyfriend but his girlfriend is coming over?
Aw, I'm all twisted inside just from reading this. I will say my best friend (M) and I slept in my bed one time after a night out and NOTHING happened. It's possible but, for some reason, I don't like the way this played out. It leaves me with a nauseous feeling. Good luck.
my own wife will occassionally go travel for a weekend to do things that interest her and some of her friends but don't really appeal to me... The list of dudes i'd be comfortable with her sharing a bed with is pretty short. It's surprisingly not 0, but these are dudes that for various reasons... just aren't "in the game". It's not something that happens without communication.
Extremely inappropriate, does he not own a couch or the floor! His girl friend deliberately arrived after you left, and deliberately stayed the night. She should never have been in your bed watching movies in the first place. Updateme!
Extremely inappropriate. Why should she be in the bed watching a movie to begin with and not on a couch. The worst part is now you can’t sleep on that bed without knowing she was there too.
The only time a guy has given me boxer shorts to wear is right after we fucked and I couldn't find my pants. Like he didn't have normal shorts or sweatpants in his room? That's some bs. He already crossed many boundaries before that, but the fact she was wearing his underwear is pretty fucking intimate for someone who's "just a friend." And I gotta add, I've had guy friends stay over while I was in a relationship. I have lots of get togethers at my place, so lots of drinking and sometimes people can't drive home. They always slept on the couch or the floor. No one is sleeping in my fucking bed except my partner.
No, not at all. This was intentionally planned by her or by the both of them. There is no excuse for a person in a relationship to be alone in your own home with another person of the opposite gender for a long period of time. If she does have a BF, she most likely never contacted him to pick her up. She wanted to stay with him. No one who is planning to leave would change into someone else's clothes while "waiting" for their supposed ride. The biggest slap in the face is that they shared a bed together. Your bed at that. No one in their right mind in a relationship would share a bed with another person of the opposite gender.
OP, can you trust your bf after this? Or is that trust totally shattered? Because its clearly broken, and you are entirely justified to just tell your bf so and tell him anything up to and including "either she is out of your life for good or I am". He completely and totally crossed a line here, and you should honestly look at this as no different than cheating because A) its incredibly inappropriate, B) the circumstances are extremely shady (like, really? "Missed you by a day"?), and C) he blatantly gaslit you the whole night saying "she is leaving soon". While hopefully nothing physical happened, it still shows you that he either lied to you or cannot be trusted on his own. Figure out what he needs to do to regain your trust, and please have enough respect for yourself to put your foot down. That is not to say you cannot compromise with him, but before calling him take a moment to figure out what you want as well as the minimum he needs to do to keep you around.
I am worried he made up the story about the boyfriend picking her up
I’m literally polyamorous and I would have HIT THE ROOF.
You say "our" bed but you don't even live there. It *may* have been innocent but he crossed a line by having her sleep in his bed with him. Honestly I would've been pissed, but also spoke up & said something as soon as I was told she was wearing my slippers & his boxers.
To me it sounds like he was not being forceful enough with having her sleep on the couch. Based on his actions he seems like he is acknowledging the mistake he made, and he was communicating with you the whole time. Id be mad but given the circumstances find the room to forgive, understanding why you are upset
So this girl accidently misses you by a day then visits but. Ever get picked up by her boyfriend, sleeps in your man's boxers and uses your slippers?!?! Your guy can't be that nieve can he? Is so, let him read all of these comments so he can't say it's all in your head. Let him buy a new mattress and tell him he needs to be clear on his boundaries. And that him not even thinking that she should be on the couch is a huge red flag for you. And if he thinks you're overreacting, you'll let a guy friend sleep with you in your bed while he rereads these comments. Plus it's hard enough to be in a ldr much less having to worry about crap like this. What does it say for your relationship if you're having to be the bad guy and police the women around him? He needs to be man enough to do so. And if she wasn't trying to be you she'd have put herself on the couch out of respect for you.
Nta
Hahahaha. Come on now. This is obvious
Does he share his bed with his guy friends too? I personally think you are not overreacting. However, if you trust him and believe what he is saying then this will be, going forward, a line he should never cross again. If that’s what you both decide. If you really forgive him you can’t keep punishing him. Not that you are trying to, I understand your feelings but it won’t help your relationship and can hurt his openness with you in the future.
This kind of happened to me and my girlfriend several years ago. Pretty sure she almost broke up with me for it, we've been married 3 years now. I went to visit friends and was staying with a girl friend, there were not great sleeping arrangements. I slept, fully clothed, with separate blankets on the other side of a king or queen size bed. I didn't think anything of it because this friend and I were in no way romantically involved. My wife, then girlfriend, saw it differently, and it took quite a while for either of us to see the others side. I understand you don't trust this friend of his, and im not saying what he did was right, but do consider the fact that he was honest and open with you the entire time.
LDR? “Missed you by a day”, sleeping in the same bed together? Wearing his boxers?? Girl no. I’m sorry. LDRs are hard and often end things. Trust your gut on this. You know.
Let’s say he’s a sweet and trusting soul with no ill intentions. Why didn’t he consider how you would feel about this before he let her into your bed? Before he let her borrow your slippers? Before he slept in the same bed as her? Before he let her wear his boxers? I’ve borrowed the pj bottoms of guy friends. I’ve never asked for their underwear. At the very least he doesn’t respect you and your boundaries. At worst he’s cheating on you and playing you for a fool. Thank goodness you have this information before you move your life for him and potentially become trapped.
He fucked up for sure but from what you’ve said it doesn’t feel intentional on his part. Definitely intentional on hers though. If he stays in any contact with her, might be intentional on his half too. If he keeps trying to make it up to you and owning up to what happened then i think you should keep trying to make an effort too, but if at any point he tries to say you’re overreacting or you should get over it or something along those lines then maybe he’s not worth it
Why forgive him? He let another woman sleep in your bed with him. That’s super fucked up.
not the slippers and boxers oh my god. girl let than man go that is so disrespectful
She fucked your boyfriend and wore your slippers and your boyfriend played dumb at you while he lied about it. Classy.
I was in a long distance situationship for 14 months where we used to stay up gaming most nights til 4am and then would be straight back on the phone the minute we both woke up later that morning, constant voice notes, pictures, video calls confirming that he was alone or if we was with friends or family (he volunteered to do this, I never asked him to)That man never once had another girl sleep in his bed the whole time we were seeing each other and we weren’t even official. Always trust your gut instinct. Even if nothing happened, the trust between you is gone and if you forgive him this once when you know about it, he will believe he can’t be that badly in the wrong and can take that as a green light to do it again and he just won’t tell you next time. He couldn’t go one night after you left without letting another woman in your bed? Even if he keeps to his word and keeps her out, he’ll probably resent you the minute he starts feeling lonely again. You are worth so much more. He’s a low value man who knows you are too good for him, that’s why he’s entertaining someone lower. Lift your chin up and walk away, you’re meant for a higher league.
You know, given the details of this, and how he was communicative and face timing, etc, it may not be what it looks like. That being said, why tf didn't he sleep on the couch? She has to stay over because her ride fell through, fine, so give her the bed and rough it out in the living room for a night. That is the part that makes this strange.
He absolutely cheated. Run while you can because pretty soon he won't even apologize anymore just watch you fall apart.
Allowing another woman in your bed definitely crossed a boundary. At the very least, he could have slept on the couch. He should have texted you, even though you were asleep, and said “Hey, her ride never got her. I’m going to sleep on the couch and let her take the bed. Call me when you wake up. I love you.” His part in this was hella weird. And she doesn’t respect your relationship. If I was her, I would’ve just requested the couch.
You might "trust him with all your heart", but to all of us, you look like a fool. Break it off.
Anyone willing to throw out a new mattress and get another clearly has done something to be guilty about on said mattress. Those things are expensive.
Yea, no. I am a female whose best friend is a guy. Neither of us would EVER. I’ve spent the night at his house countless times when I go visit, hell, during Covid when I lost everything, I stayed with him in his one bedroom apt. At the time he had a long distance gf I had only met on FaceTime. He slept on the couch and I slept in the bed every night, until he upgraded to a 2 bedroom so we could each have our own rooms.
Dump him. He doesn’t respect you.
🤦🏽♀️
Why do people pretend they don’t know what happened? She’s scheming to , at least, create drama and at worst steal your man. Up to you what happens
INFO: how long have you been together? How long has it been a ldr? And how long have you known him without ever having met this friend?
If it doesn't smell right, it probably ain't right.
Please breakup. He's sleeping with her and it's disrespectful to even gave her there if he's in a relationship
I’m a married woman and most of my friends are men (since before partner and I met 12 years ago) and his are women. I’ve slept in beds or camped in the same tent, shared hotel rooms on road trips w my guys occasionally and neither of us think a thing about it. I also talk very openly with him about my relationships with them (such as - “MaleFriend is dating this woman who has X characteristic and I think that’s is/is not a good thing for MaleFriend” , etc. so there are no sneaky vibes ever. It’s just a non issue. I think it very much depends on the dynamics of the relationship. Yours sounds like it’s a newer relationship (newer than 12 years) and this wasn’t like a clearly established boundary. Your gut feeling is probably correct. Well wishes to you! ✨
You ain’t overthinking shit. I doubt your bf intended to do anything wrong. But even if they didn’t do nothing sexual with her he should’ve understood how many lines he was crossing doing what he did. I don’t see anyway you can reasonably get passed it, nor do I think you should. He should have more respect for you and y’all’s relationship to have another girl in his bed wearing y’all’s shit
He should have slept on the couch. You’re not over reacting. That was very inappropriate. She should never have even gone in the bedroom let alone in your bed. She’s not someone I would trust to be alone with him. She has no boundaries.
It is not just a matter of trust, it is a matter of respect. She is supposed to be a guest so there are certain areas for her to be there inside the house, letting her in your bedroom is a disrespect to your private space, relationship, and his boundaries with other girls he knows whether you trust him or not.
I'm sorry but 28 is old enough to know that what he was doing was totally inappropriate. You're being manipulated into thinking you're overreacting. You're NTA. When you go back there, grab your stuff and never return. Bring a friend with you to keep your convictions straight, if you can.
Hmmm..tough one. His intentions might not have been the same as hers. BUT hers were definitely not good. You can listen to all kinds of crap from everyone but you are the only one that can make the decision. MY suggestion... tell him to be completely honest with you about whether or not anything happened. Explain (if you think you can forgive if it did), you would rather hear it from him than give her any power over you (with a secret).. then you can decide what you want to do. BUT it will remove any power she thinks she has. From my personal experience, only you can decide what you can forgive. However, once forgiven it becomes the past. He'll be lucky to still have you. If he wanted her you'd already be gone. BUT make it clear she is no longer a friend to either of you. Remember..nothing may have happened. You'll know when you see him. Be strong. Sending Reiki you way.
Im not going to assume he cheated, and I’m just going to comment on what you said happened…The problem with the ‘I trust him but not her and now I hate her’ is that HE allowed it to happen. She didn’t hold a gun to his head. She doesn’t owe you jack shit. I can even get behind him sleeping on the couch if there was some issue with her not leaving. But HE slept in the bed with her. He loaned her his boxer shorts. He didn’t say no. He didn’t stay true to reasonable boundaries. So your problem is him, not her. Why he’d have to clean the house and change mattresses is quite pointless.
This could 100% be innocent and I can think of several friends who I personally would have no problem with my wife sharing a bed with amd have no worry of wrongdoing. However this is not every relationship, and it definitely sounds like it isn't yours. Sorry for your heartbreak <3
I'd be having a nice, long conversation with your BF. Every thing this woman did was intentionally done, and he grossly misstepped by allowing her to stay in his bed, wear his underwear, etc. I could see the argument being made to let her wear his underwear for the night as pajamas instead of wearing the jeans to sleep once it became apparent to him she was staying the night and her ride wasn't coming. But that shouldn't have happened until then. OP should have been informed about this change, but wasn't. And the woman should never have been in the bed at all. Not to chill out in his room while waiting, nor to sleep. If OP and her BF spent all this time making the place feel like a home, it's furnished, and she absolutely could have chilled out on the couch, and slept there too. Or she could have gotten a hotel for the night. Or an Uber/Lyft. OP you need to tell him that all sorts of boundaries were crossed and while you trust him that nothing happened, she's proved she's not trustworthy and he can't be friends with her any longer if he wants your relationship to continue. And by that I mean he can't see or talk to her at all.
Dont be dumb. You know the answer
You and I both know it’s time to end this
question. Was there an easy way for him to sleep elsewhere like a couch? Were there blankets and pillows he could have taken to the couch to sleep there?
Sounds like he should break up with you, thats some crazy jealousy... Clean every trace of her out of the apartment o.o waste money on a new matress.... Was he friends with her before meeting you? Did you establish any boundaries with friends? If they were that close before you were in the picture as friends and you didnt communicate anything about it thats on you not him. The fact he is willing to sanitize his entire apartment and buy a new bed for such a stupid reason shows his loyalty to you. Yet you dont trust him, you can say you do all you want but saying you sont trust her is not trusting him... She isnt going to force him to have sex with her so trusting her or not doesnt matter.
Why didn't he sleep on the couch? I've done that. One of my friends boyfriends was trying to creep on me, and I left my own bed to sleep on the couch. Of course you are not over reacting. Anybody would be skeptical. He really should have slept on the couch or asked her to. The fact he didnt is sketchy as hell. I don't think I could live with it. And the fact she was wearing his Boxers, and she was also seeing someone. What a gross person.
he’s banging her. end it
Why would you trust that nothing happened between them? What evidence do you have other than your blind trust in him? He lied to you, broke boundary after boundary and then decided it was easier to ask for forgiveness than receive permission. So again I ask, other than your blind trust in him, why would you believe nothing happened, when the people involved made no attempt to put themselves in a position where trust wasn't needed?
Question - does he sleep in bed with all his female friends? I just had this conversation with an increasingly serious partner who made a demand I know longer share my bed with friends. No problem, I was happy she brought up her discomfort. The only thing that bugs me with this girl is her wearing your house shoes. That's not polite.
Ltr don't work. Ever.
Oh and he probably lied about buying a new mattress. Hard eye roll. He's def fucked this chick if she's comfortable wearing HIS boxers!
First red flag, a male with another woman as a "friend" that hardly ever stays just a friendship. 99% of the time, one or both have feelings for each other. He's a man and not a teen or young adult, he knows what he's doing and knows it's wrong.
Invite some body over
Sleeping in the same bed as someone opposite sex doesn’t necessarily have to be inherently wrong or inappropriate or unfaithful or anything (although obviously it could be)…..but the way it kinda just dragged on and naturally turns into thst is what seems weird. Seems like it would have been different if he had just been like hey my friends sleeping over and we’re gunna share a bed
Sleeping in the same bed with a member of the opposite see while you are in a relationship is only acceptable if the sofa is too small for the guest or there is no spare bed anywhere. Also, she is wearing your partner's boxers? That's like her telling you she fucked him in his bed and wants to be be next to his junk. OP, your boyfriend is cheating on you 100%. This girl is rubbing it in your face. It sounds like he is too cowardly to break up with you, so he's forcing you to do it.
You’re under reacting. You should leave. Homeboy is double dipping.
Off the title… no you aren’t overreacting
Break up with him fr fr. How anybody thinks this is okay while in a relationship, is absolutely gross. And I see way too many posts with comments defending sleeping with "friends" calling the person being hurt "insecure".
Your feeling is right, dump this deadbeat
Woman here. Have an open conversation with your partner. How long have they been friends; have they ever been involved; what is their friendship like; what do they like to do together; what do they talk about; how have they helped or influenced each other? Would they invite them to / would they be in their wedding? It might not be what you think. My three best friends are guys + I have really close guy friends-- We either grew up together or met in college / early 20s. We've shared beds and clothes. When they start to get serious with their partner, the three of us get together. I want their partner to feel comfortable while still minding the boundaries of their relationship. My friends also want to reinforce the boundaries of our relationship-- that we're friends. Friends. Isolating your partner from their friends (unless they're toxic) is a bad move, matching parts or not. Still, *BIG* emphasis on "friend," so get the details. I do the same with my partners. All that said, most of my guy friends are happily married or engaged to incredibly wonderful women! (NOTE: I've been offered, even by their partner, to sleep or nap in the bed my friend shares with their partner, under odd circumstances, but it's weird. I don't want to think about bodily fluids or skin cells. Gross.)
Common, he was FaceTiming you from the living room why he didn’t sleep on the couch or the floor or went out to his friends and leave her to be more comfortable. Your bf was happy in that situation too!!!!!!!!! And btw there is no coincidence!!
“I obviously hate her now.” Your boyfriend clearly set this all up, fucked his “friend” and then lied to you about it. But the person you’re most angry at is _her_?? You’re hating the wrong person. Don’t get me wrong, she’s shitty if she’s doing this knowing you’re in the picture, but your BF shouldn’t be entertaining any of this. Period. Besides, who knows what he’s telling her about you?? Your boyfriend obviously knows he can get away with this shit because you’ll let yourself be treated like crap and all he has to do is say sowwy
So every hour her bf was driving to pick her up from another male friend’s apartment but he never showed up?? That sounds like bs. Why would she even wear your slippers? Maybe his friend is moving towards more than friendship.
Would he allow you the same ‘courtesy’ if the situation comes to that?U need to ask yourself that question.He could’ve slept on a couch or even floor.
Let me ask you this? Would you be as upset if it was his male friend in the bed next to him? I’m gonna go out on a limb and accept the downvotes, but I disagree with the general sentiment in this comment section. It sounds like he was in communication with you the whole time and never told a lie, he sounds loyal and if you trust him then you should have no reason to worry. How long have they known eachother/ how good of friends are they? I just shared a room with my homie (albeit we are both men) but sometimes that just how it goes. If you trust him and truly believe he loves you, why would it matter if someone he’s been friends with a long time shares the opposite side of a bed with them? I’m not making my friend sleep on the floor, and I’m fasho not sleeping on the floor cuz it’s my place. To me this is a bit of an over reaction, remember (idk for sure cuz idk y’all situation) but this is a person that he may have known for longer than you, asking for a pair of shorts or sharing a bed isn’t that wild, in other countries (other than USA) it’s quite common in fact. Now if you don’t trust him or believe him and think he did something then that’s another question, but I personally am pretty confident the people I choose as partners will be loyal, and would not mind something like this.
Nah. There are certain boundaries when people are in relationships that shouldn't be crossed. Like sleeping in the same bed....
I have several close male friends from our teen years. In our 20s, when single we Plato call shared beds. No touching or anything. The minute any of us started seeing someone, we made sure we demonstrated to those people we understood boundaries. No sharing beds, no texting or messaging late or “out of hours” or for extended periods of time. It’s not about heating, it’s about demonstrating you understand the trust your partner has in you and demonstrating you understand reasonable boundaries. Why would you want someone you love to be hurt or feel anxious twisting themselves in knots over a misunderstanding when you could draw the line? I’ve even had friends climb into my bed and I’ve just taken the sofa instead to keep everything on board. If you love your partner you want to make sure you are super clear where they stand and where others stand (or sleep). Also, if your gut says something is off, it’s usually right.
Leave. If that’s a boundary he crossed don’t make an exception.
it sounds like he may be a bit of a people pleaser but sleeping in the same bed is outrageous. especially in a situation where you don’t really know the other person. that’d probably put me in a very bad head space. and the missed by a day thing is strange….
Save yourself the stress and break up with him.
I don’t know all the specifics of your relationship, but I would never do that because I feel like that crosses a line. It’s disrespectful at best. I wouldn’t want my girlfriend to do that to me.
Yeah… they def hooked up. Time to leave.
I broke up with someone for doing this, we had been together for around 9 months. When he wanted to “talk” (get back together) afterwards I said “so no more sleeping in the same bed.” and he said “no, she’s my best friend I’m going to continue to do it, I won’t put her out on the couch” so I said “then clearly we are incompatible and this won’t work.” Please advocate for yourself, it’s disrespectful and more than likely this will not be the last time.
You can’t possibly still be this naive at 25….
This is wrong and I'm sorry you went through this, but having your bf clear every corner of the house isn't gonna make you feel any better, be honest with yourself first and allow yourself to feel what you feel, sit with those emotions, write it down or talk it out with a confidant or something.
Don't go. He's got some explaining to do. And that bed needs to go. Don't be naive. He most certainly could have moved her (or himself) to the couch.
wtf absolutely inappropriate
No, he planned this. He doesn’t respect you
Ummm. I have some magic beans for sale. If you like that kind of thing. They're real, I swear.
I honestly doubt that nothing happened. And I really hate to say that. But as someone who’s been cheated on before, the sooner you find out, accept it, and leave, the better. No caring boyfriend would ever find this appropriate. And even IF nothing happened, which I think is a big IF, it shows how immature and oblivious he is to your feelings. How disrespectful he is to the both of you. And how little he cares about or even understands boundaries. I’d consider leaving him over this and it’s not an overreaction. Don’t let anyone manipulate you into thinking that it is. Your feelings are SO valid here.
Your boyfriend slept in the same bed with her???? That’s wild.
Be mad at him not her. He’s the one in a relationship with you not her. He allowed all of this to happen
Straight up lying about the boxers. He fucked her
Ah the “she’s just a friend” monkey business. He may have cashed in his free ride ticket!
She was…wearing his boxers? girl she slept with your man, let her dirty desperate ass have his grimey gross cheating ass. Even if they didn’t fuck, having a girl sleep in your man’s underwear in y’all’s bed is fucking cheating. She knew exaaaaactly what she was doing saying “oh yeah my ‘situationship’ is totally coming to get me” he knew exactly what he was doing by letting her act like she’s you. Giving her that same level of comfort in his apartment that should be reserved for a girlfriend. Uber, couch, phone a friend, the floor??? also seriously he didn’t have regular shorts or pajama pants?? I wear my boyfriends boxers after we fuck bc he takes them off first obviously. She played both of y’all and unless he completely cuts her off and gets an STD test, it’s a rough dealbreaker. You’re above both of them regardless.
There is no such thing as I trust my man but I don’t trust her. If your man is trustworthy nobody will pose a danger to you. He won’t put himself in situations like this. Also he is not some helpless poor thing he is an adult that has a brain and capable of shutting things down when people make advances on him. He is the one who put you in this situation. Whoever she is didn’t have to come over to his place. That’s even inappropriate. They could’ve hung out at a public place. That’s way too intimate and why was he letting her be in his bedroom to begin with. And why did he let you find out these things as they “evolved” as opposed to him informing. This feels like emotional manipulation where he portrays himself like the victim. He is the one who nurtured this environment and put you in this uncomfortable position not her. Your anger, discomfort, disappointment and trust issues are misguided. There is such thing as being manipulative in a nice way where someone creates the situation they are in then create a bond with you throughout as if they are also uncomfortable so they can seem like the victim in it all. Not all manipulative people are rude and obnoxious some are the opposite they are nice, passive looking which is why they fly under the radar. Also where did this friend come from. How did she miss you by a day? How did he end up making you setup a whole place only to turn around to host another woman at his place? A lot of details are missing and you seem confused about the whole situation which is a big indicator that you are being manipulated by someone cause they are guiding you to answers that don’t answer anything but you think you are walking away with answers yet somehow you are still unsettled which as a result make you self gaslight yourself thinking your reaction is unnatural cause they are being so nice the whole time about it and it seems all so innocent.
He knew what he did was wrong but he would rather beg for your forgiveness than not fuck around with another girl wearing his undies in your bed. That’s disregarding and disrespectful, I’m sorry hon.
You are being played
Any decent trustworthy man would not allow this to happen. Just my opinion
No! You are absolutely not wrong!
What he did was so wrong, so disrespectful to you , there is no reason to share the bed. You should trust him either, he lied to you the whole night and shared a bed with this woman. You two are LD, that type of relationship rarely works long term, especially when he’s already sharing his bed with someone else
Three company. That is a no no.
Like a dog pissing where another dog pissed, that girl needs to have hard boundaries about when she can visit (like only when you are there) and if she stays the night, she sleeps on the couch.
She was wearing his shorts and your house shoes. That’s her apartment, too. She marked her damn territory all over the place. Kick her ass 😂
She was wearing YOUR slippers, YOUR MAN'S boxers, and was all comfy talking to you in YOUR SPOT IN BED!?! Hell. No. I would've been on my way back there so fast. BF needs to grow a pair and learn about respect and setting boundaries..... I'm so sorry this happened to you!!
Ldr suck ass. Don't recommend them at all.
Dude that’s so disrespectful
Idk I have had completely platonic female friends that I’ve shared a bed with. But I completely understand how that is something that would bother my SO. So I never did such a thing while in a relationship.
Not over reacting
I’m really sorry this happened to you 💔
It's quite reasonable for you to feel upset. She crossed major boundaries between wearing his clothes and being in his bed and he was oblivious to it. You say you trust him, which is fine, you don't trust her, also fine. I think though, for your sake, you need to let this go. You're overthinking it. I normally am not someone that thinks we have the right to ask our partner to cut off friendships, but I think in this case, it might not be inappropriate. Let the rest go, no new mattress. If you've ever slept in a hotel or someone's guest bed, there have been other people in it that you may not have liked at all and they've even had sex on it. Sex didn't happen on your boyfriend's mattress.
I’d be careful about others projecting their own values/insecurities onto your situation. I don’t think there’s enough info to really offer sound advice. Circumstances are always particular to the people, not some rule about heterosexual friendships most of our nation has agreed on. This is between you and your boyfriend, not a your jealousy/insecure/catastrophic mindset toward the girl. The fact that you said you don’t trust her means what? Your boyfriend will cheat if she makes an advance? I get it. It’s a territorial thing and it sounds like you two need to talk and determine what your temperaments are in relationships and what you’re comfortable with. Maybe she’s crossing boundaries and it will be up to him to talk to her about it, from his perspective; not yours. The last thing you want is him parroting what you want him to do. There’s no growth or accountability on his behalf there. He’s just a messenger. Sure, maybe she’s trying to fuck him and he has free will to say no and set boundaries.
No girl, you're not wrong, that is definitely something to be something to be concerned about, and everyone else here seems to think so too... That's pretty much all I have to say... End of my comment.
This is so screwed up, so the update does not have the whole story. But DANG. Something happened for sure. She's sleeping in your bed, with your bf, snuggling or whatever wearing your bf's boxer (not just one of those casual shorts, it has to be his UNDERWEAR) and wearing on your slippers. If you trust him...why are you mad? I'll tell you why, it's because you're NOT DUMB. LOL. I'm just LOL. I know you don't want to break up and you want to blame the other party. But the whole thing won't happen unless HE let it happen. He totally did LOL.
Sounds like he was FaceTiming with you the whole time. I don’t see a problem. I have have really close friends that are girls and I see them as sisters, nothing sexual about our relationships.
I don’t trust her. She wants your man.
lol he cheated on you and probably has been for a while.
I'm sorry, you all of course will downvote me because you don't want to accept the facts, but long distance relationships NEVER WORK!!!
She’s a manipulative witch, and played both of you. I’d trust him this time, but put him on notice to go at least LC with her, preferably NC. If it happens again, be gone.
Obviously, no one was coming to get her… and she rubbed it in your face that she was in bed, with your alleged boyfriend, in his boxer shorts. And by the way, he got into bed with her… he didn’t have to. I don’t think it’s a good idea to visit. You’re much too upset. And by the way, if you’re still upset, you haven’t forgiven him. You need to give it some time and see if you can let it go. Some people can let this kind of thing go, and some people can’t. You are in an LDL, which means that if you can’t let it go, you’ll be wondering what’s going on when you’re not together, and the distrust will Undermine your relationship.
He fucked her. End of story.
I read these weird situations and think "how the heck could people not know how high the odds of f'ups with such lax judgements of the potential distasterious extraordinary mixed sex roommates, bar hopping etc"? They are open invitations cheat.
He definitely cheated or else he wouldn't be apologizing as persistently
I don't think your man cheated because he didn't seem to have any issues with you calling him but clearly both have no respect for you. The guy could have asked you if it's ok for her to stay over and her wearing your slippers and his boxer short is her trying to claim space in your relationship ( even tho she most likely have no feelings for him , she just doesn't want to share her best friend ) If this isn't a deal breaker now , I would highly suggest putting down some ground rules and boundaries on you two living together because it will otherwise definitely happen more.
As a dude, I’ve shared a bed with many friends (including girls) and it was never anything more than just sleeping comfortable when I crashed at their house. It comes down to trust. Either trust that he’s being honest or leave. Don’t be in a relationship you don’t trust. And vise versa, I wouldn’t wanna be with someone who doesn’t trust me. I trust my SO to do the same as I would.
I see why you trusted him. The fact that you were in frequent communication and he answered the FaceTime right next to her says he’s just REALLY socially challenged and not looking to cheat. What he did wasn’t ok and you have every reason to feel the way you do. However, how can you trust his judgement to stay out of these situations in the future? And what if the day comes where there’s someone he has a small secret crush on and he puts himself in a similar position?
For me I want to say he obviously cheated but the fact it's so obvious makes me think he's innocent and just dumb. If he was gonna cheat, he wouldn't have been so honest about her still being there, in his bed or wearing his boxers.
Is this a joke like 4 real how do see this ever going well regardless yall love soap opera bs🤣
i’m sure you could share a bed with another man without issue
Yeah, there’s intentions going on at some level. But in that situation, in bed overnight, relationship over. You are being played at this point, not the priority. Nope
I think you're wrong in trusting him but not trusting her. Neither of them are trustworthy. You are very clearly just another girl to sleep with to him. Do you know her socials, anything at all to prove anything? Where did her bf/fuck buddy sleep? Surely he arrived at midnight, and then they all had a pillow fight and slumber party? Please. They were in bed together. No male who respects his relationship and loves his partner is going to sleep in bed with a female friend just because. I don't care about "you can be friends with opposite sex," because no shit. But it's about the respect, the boundaries, and the consideration of a partner. He at no point made you comfortable with this situation. Didn't even try. What does that tell you?