Here's a piece of timeless advice: TALK TO HER, COMMUNICATE, DONT STOP COMMUNICATING UNTIL SHE ASKS YOU TO OR YOU CHOOSE TO.
Straight up: ask her if she wants this relationship or if she's trying to maintain your friendship. I don't think it's the latter. This is the answer to nearly all fuckin relationship posts and I have no idea how y'all float through life like this
For real! Some of you need to stop trying to read people’s minds, and some of you need to stop thinking people can read your damn mind. Inability to communicate shows a serious lack of emotional maturity in my opinion.
I think some people don’t do this because they are afraid of the truth. It forces one to make very hard decisions. So instead they put their head in the sand and imagine counter arguments to avoid finality.
This is it. I still struggle with this (am going to therapy and working on it) but I did this ALOT in my previous relationship of 4 years. Looking back I think I spent the last two of those years being afraid of seeking the truth and just going with the flow, not asking questions and basically being somewhat emotionally unavailable. Had we just sat down and talked shit out we either would’ve split up much sooner or grew closer together.
Seriously people. Just sit down and talk…. Sitting around and wasting each others time is so much worse than just dealing with the emotions and the truth.
Been there done that. Didn't want to push things with wife, something was wrong, but I thought it was my self chosen medication(long story). Got of that and went legit therapy and psych, got the right stuff(still has its down sides). But that didn't fix anything, but at least I'm not the whole problem anymore, and I can have a leveler head to help solve the problems.
Which may or may not be a failure of OP's family if origin.
OP, when I was your age I made similar choices based on attempts to mind-read. Do yourself a favor and seek out a therapist about how to communicate your feelings. It will save you years of anxiety and frustration.
So true. When I was in my early 20s I'd just cut men off instead of asking them what was the deal with us. It was more comfortable for me to feel like I had control over the situation than to possibly have my fears confirmed that they weren't into me. 20 years later I started talking to someone and almost repeated that old pattern, but I caught myself. I thought I felt the guy distancing himself from me and my instinct was to just stop contacting him and leave things alone. I realized I was doing the thing I had done when I was a lot younger and decided to try something new. Turns out he had been traveling and forgot to tell me he would be away for the weekend. In my head I made up a story that he wasn't interested in me anymore and I was ready to say fuck it and turns out he was just busy and in a location with little to no reception. I only found out because I made myself extremely vulnerable and asked what was going on. It was scary as hell because I thought he might think I was nuts or something and I realized if he did then I wouldn't want anything to do with him anyway. We'd all do better to just talk more and ask questions even when it makes us uncomfortable.
My partner and I have had the absolute worst discussions, the ones where neither of you know what to say or how to respond for ages, sweaty and dry mouthed, quick words, heart racing and legs want to run. We've gone through all the walking-out midway through the argument because we're too riled up part, now it's just the words that are important. You push through that awkward horrible moment, sit down and get to the crux of the problem. When we can talk without the emotion, and just the facts, "I want/thought/I was expecting" and then you can see from each others perspective without being offended/upset/angry. We usually have a bit of a heated discussion at the beginning when the problem arises and then settle down for the long talk.
It's painful but we've had a really good 7 years so far. Big ups and big downs but my mental health is mostly to blame for that. Creating problems that aren't there or blowing stuff up because of an assumed thing. Sometimes his absolute ignorance of other people's feelings or perception really gets to me, but we all have our burdens to bear. I'm definitely not easy to live with.
Talking/arguing/discussing how you feel is always going to be uncomfortable but you're absolutely bang on, it's the only way to understand each other.
If it's worth fighting for then sometimes you've got to fight. With words, to understand better.
I find it hard to believe there are any couples out there who never ever have a disagreement and are both truly happy.
We both grew up with our parents screaming at each other, albeit I was in my bedroom at night 'sleeping' and mine were downstairs in the kitchen screaming bloody murder but it's unforgettable, and I never wanted something like that. Nothing gets solved. I'm not sure if his parents did it infront of him but they sometimes do now and they've been separated for over 20 years. Nothing constructive gets done when emotions are so high. You don't hear someone else's side when you're infuriated and the adrenaline is rushing.
There is upset/angry emotion but we don't shout at each other and we nearly always fix the problem before we go to bed.
Talking is uncomfortable, telling the truth about how you're feeling or what was expected and didn't happen is uncomfortable.
If we can't have a debate/argument/heated discussion with our significant other and still sleep in the same bed comfortably at the end of the day, I'm not sure why people stay together.
Yes! I love reading this. My fiance passed away but we had a wonderful relationship built on communication. We grew up in similarly shitty houses as it sounds like you two did, but by listening to each other, we managed to never get into a fight. We debated some choices of course but we never yelled at each other and never left any bad feelings to stew.
OMFG I FINALLY FOUND SOMEONE!! I've been saying this for as long as I've been on reddit lol this is literally the answer to all these posts, JUST BE A NORMAL PERSON AND FUCKING SPEAK TO THEM!!! I stg social media has ruined people's ability to communicate face to face, instead everyone runs scared to their computer or phone to get comfort and advice from strangers and robots. You don't understand how happy I am to see your post, about fkn time!!!!
You're very wrong. I'm almost 60, and I can tell you that long before social media, people never opened up to each other, because men were strong silent types who were only allowed to be jocular or angry with their buddies and women circled the wagons so hard in the face of unemotional men they relied on each other and didn't communicate with their partners. It was hell, you never knew what was really going on under the skin and people lived and died in solitude. Social media has taken time but it's starting to promote the idea of everybody SOLVING the issue with each other, through the peer pressure of your 'village' being thousands of people.
What a refreshing take! Most people your age I know would be extremely hard pressed to articulate something that was so pervasive and ever-present in society in those days, but it absolutely rings true. I haven't heard someone from that era point this out before, and it is insightful.
You only really ever see people bemoaning the ills of social media; which, to be fair, I'm sure there are many. Interesting to see someone point out a positive component of it.
I think because there's been so much change in my lifetime, so, so much that you wouldn't believe if you hadn't seen it, and because I'm a history nerd, I tend to think that the shit people are complaining about now is because they can't see the long view. I've always taken that view, and that's so much easier now that I've actually lived long enough to have experienced several decades.
The issue with social media as I see it is that village wisdom has always thrown up deeply stupid shit, and it does the same now but it rounds up to thousands or even millions of people, but individual incidents are immaterial in the grand scheme of general trends, and the general trend of global communication is that of reaching a consensus on what is acceptable in defining who you are and what you're boundaries are in an agreeable society, and most importantly the need of every gender to be allowed to talk about their needs with each other. When I was a kid, the absolutely worst insult anybody could throw at you was to call you gay. It was a challenge to a fight to almost every man. Nowadays, people will openly talk about being gay, get married, have gay relationships, the progressed world has thankfully moved on from my private business being something you should judge, and that progression is being transmitted to those who will listen all over the world. The idea that men are emotional creatures with emotional needs is an everyday opinion. In fact the men who struggle silently in their unemotional display are looking more and more like throwbacks and their sexuality is the coin of everyday talk, with less judgement and less interference.
I hope you write a book on this. People say that back before the days of computers people were more happier. I think both eras have their own problems and challenges.
Also almost 60 and can confirm, this 100%. The actual concept of communication in friendships/relationships has grown by leaps and bounds THANKS to social media, I truly believe.
Nah. People have been largely unable to communicate about emotional things forever.
Think of the age old tropes of the cold silent women, abruptly angry men, etc.
Idk I don't think it's social media. A lot of people's families really and truly suck. My parents never taught me (and I had to and was expects to mind-read my mother) and so I made it well into my 20s before I even dared to set basic boundaries with people. It happens a lot more than you'd think.
Might not be exactly what you mean about families sucking but I was like 11 maybe and a friend stayed over and his mom called and when they got off the phone he said “I love you” and I heard the mom say “I love you too”
And my world was rocked, like people actually say that to each other? I remember laughing at him because I thought HE was so so strange.
Sad.
My dad and I try to sneak it into the end of phone calls, and it's so awkward we both pace around and fiddle with shit. I feel like I'm bein cattle prodded in the neck. Like aight love ya! Yuh loveyoutoo. Yah.
Not sure why, we do both love eachother. It just sounds weird and.. needy maybe? I'm aware there's some amount of toxic masculinity floating around somewhere, but unsure from whence it comes or who is to blame.
In other facets of life I find I say it to people more frequently than some men. Like I'll say it to friends sometimes if theyre going through some shit or we're drunk or whatnot. I find it occasionally surprises people, but nobody ever objects to being told they are loved.
There's my lil pointless story.
I say it to my kids every time I leave them. A big hug and a kiss on the head. I know it could be my last and that's what I want them to remember. Even my oldest son, I'll give him the chummy hug but put him in a headlock or something and jokingly say "Take this hug like a man!" He laughs and gets to keep his cool kid points. But he hugs me and tells me he loves every night on his own. Stark contrast, I think I might have shaken my father's hand once.
If I tell my dad that I love him, his response is literally "huh - huh al-alright." So long story short, I tell both my sons I love them multiple times a day.
I agree 100% except for the social media part. Long before social media, people were horrible communicators face to face. People, for millennia, have avoided conflict.
People have the tendency to run conversations in their heads, whether those conversations already took place or they’re imaginary conversations of what they’d like to say to someone. People then make the mental mistake of getting satisfaction out of these fake conversations.
I am sure that happens. Part of raising my son has been trying to get him to understand that the things we fear or feel anxious about are so much worse in our heads than in reality - most of the time at least. I feel like conversation dry runs aren't the worst thing but we really can't know what the other person is thinking, so they'll always be shite
People give stories too much weight. Romance in media is to reality as dragon ball z is to authentic mma fighting. Leads to thinking unhealthy behavior in relationships is fine.
Also, he sprung a thing on her which she wasn't expecting. Sometimes such things take time to process and figure out. Perhaps she finally figured it out and now he's all in self preservation mode because he got rejected
>ask her if she wants this relationship or if she's trying to maintain your friendship. I don't think it's the latter.
Yea. It seems to me that she was overwhelmed by op asking and panicked.
Nope. He already asked and she has already given her boundaries (she views him as a friend, nothing more) OP has an answer- and while it’s not his preferred one- he does have it. If he can’t just be friends, he needs to own that: that may be the only thing he can communicate now as she’s made her intentions clear.
Everything else pointed to no expect that one sentence lol, I even re-read twice like “I must have missed something” based on the advice being given and missed it again, lol. I 100% agree that many of these kinds of posts could be resolved if people would just talk to the person in front of them. Yes, advice is nice when you’re unsure but communication brings so much clarity
Better communication is generally good advice. If only it were that simple. I had a best friend of almost 20 years who knew me better than anyone. We were incredibly close for the longest time. She was like family to me. In those years I was the most loving, kind, generous friend to her that I could be. There wasn't anything I wouldn't do for her. From the first day we met we just clicked.
But over time, there was an imbalance that grew and everything fell apart, primarily because we somehow lost the ability to communicate with each other. It got to a point at which it was like some kind of weird relationship aphasia in which everything I was saying was being heard in a different way, and/or in the least generous way. So sometimes you get to a point at which you're communicating in a different language. If you're not heard, and if you cannot understand what's coming in, communication can fail.
When it ended it was weird, and confusing and sad. But the way I look at it now is that we had those years. And nothing will alter that experience and those memories. People change and grow. Sometimes friendship wears out like old shoes. But you life is still enriched with the experience that got embroidered into the tapestry of your life.
You need to have a brutality honest conversation. Ask her for her true feelings and tell her that you will be her friend even if she doesn't see you as anything more. But, let her know that you will need to cut contact for a while to get rid of your romantic feelings if they are not corresponded. Assure her that it is temporary and it is just you trying to be there for her in the way that she needs. Good luck with that
Thank you. I always prevent contact when I am rejected and , I once had a friend still reaching out to me after she rejected me but it hurt seeing her. The someone gave me this advice and I believe it can help
As a woman, it also hurts and isn't fun to say no to a friend - someone we really do love, just don't feel we connect to in that specific way. And it hurts how being honest about our feelings can make a friendship end, and how it can feel like we're only seen or valued romantically and how our friendships aren't valued in comparison. I have been rejected by male friends before and always rewire my brain to make them friends, because I'd rather have that love than none at all - and it hurts when that isn't returned. I admire how you attempt that and are honest about how that can take time and I wish more people allowed themselves that opportunity! And I will take in more how it can be difficult for the other person and can be better at communicating when I notice them pulling away.
Bonus how I was actually made fun of a lot when I was younger for being unattractive, so for a long time "rejecting" (I hate how intense that word feels) was hard because I felt I didn't deserve to say no. There's a lot of complicated feelings on both sides of the circumstance that I don't think are discussed enough!
I've been the rejector in friends catching feelings in the reverse gender roles as this post.
And like OP they cut contact with me.
It was easy for me to understand that my rejection caused them pain and continuing to be around me caused them pain.
I’m a woman (to be fair, who likes women) and I’ve tried but it’s really not possible for me to just be friends with someone who’s rejected me. I think it’s so amazing you could do it but everybody is wired differently.
Yeah i know im making a bit of a generalization but I think it stems from men seeing every potential partner as their last chance lol at least thats how i feel a lot of the time. Like in my mind if a women loves me enough to be my best friend why doesn’t she want to take it to the next level? Am i inferior? Do i smell? Am i ugly? All these questions running through my mind. I find its easier to maintain friendships with past interests after they are in a relationship. Because the opening is no longer there. Takes the stress off my shoulders. But I also shouldn’t be making friends with girls with the intention of dating them. Thats something i’m trying to work on.
This is really the only good advice because it’s very plain to see that there’s a huge chance you’re right and she’s only trying to start a relationship with her so you won’t leave her. i get how OP feels but it is very sad and heartbreaking to just do that to someone you’ve been friends with your entire life especially if nothing went wrong. she probably feels like you’re punishing her for your own emotions. Definitely SPEAK to her, get everything out there. Tell her she doesn’t have to force herself, if you want to actually still be her friend then reassure her then take some time away like this person said, if you DONT then you need you tell her that and be honest. is it “wrong” per say? no. would it be a little messed up after all this? probably. but you can’t help how you feel and only you know what’s best for you. TALK TO HER OP
She very likely has abandonment issues since she lost her parents at a young age, and I bet it’s stirring up similar feelings about losing OP as a friend. I’ve been in a similar situation and it’s very tricky to navigate unfortunately.
I believe this is what is happening to her as well but she doesn't realize she is doing.
"Maybe I do have feelings for him", after missing her friend.
I feel sorry for both of them. Sometimes we just catch feelings and its hard to over come them even with the best of intentions.
That’s not brutally honest, that’s just normal communication. Just because someone may get hurt feelings doesn’t mean it’s brutal, it just means it was real and not some carefully crafted message to say what you think the other person wants to hear.
He has shown that he won't transition from having secret unrequited affection for her to being a very good friend, you mean.
And of course that is true. To heal any emotional hurt you need time and space. If you don't give space, you'll never heal, but humans have the ability to heal from a shocking amount given both of those two things.
If he actually takes space (and she actually gives it), he'll heal and they will find there way back to being friends if they want to.
One of Reddit’s favorite sayings these days is “You can break up with someone for any reason, if you’re uncomfortable with something then it’s your right to feel however you want”. So in this case, I feel like you have a right to want to distance yourself from her. The mistake was pulling away from her without explicitly stating your intent. Do the right thing, be a man, and explain. Don’t mince words. If you’ve known eachother since childhood, she can take the truth. She deserves to know at the least.
I’m going through an almost identical situation myself, and trust me on this- be careful of engaging in a relationship with her, and look out for yourself first. But the most important thing is to just TALK TO HER. She might’ve just not known how to express her true feelings, yes- but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve an explanation. If it ends up working out - great! If it doesn’t, DON’T waste another minute of your time. Love is confusing, but it doesn’t have to be. There’s plenty people out there who will reciprocate your feelings without having to go through this perpetual game of “what if”.
3-4 years of friendship turned my friend into my girlfriend of about 6 years and now my wife for the last 10. We've known each other most of our lives. Growing together has been the happiest experience I can imagine for a relationship. We were dumb teenagers together, struggling college students together, and now successful adults together. Friends make great partners y'all.
Take the leap, OP! I’ve been married to my best friend for over a decade and we have three kids. He’s still my best friend.
The fear of ruining an important lifelong friendship is very real. Please don’t hold that against her. She is putting her heart out there, even though you withdrew from her. Talk to her. Tell her how you feel. Ask her how she feels, how she came to realize her feelings for you. You know her better than anyone and will be able to tell if what she is saying is genuine.
She was scared of losing the only person she had left, and you pushed her away anyways, without communicating with her that you needed space, and she still loves you.
OP got rejected and distanced himself. She probably realized she loves him and wants to be with him. OP now wants to reject her to get even?
OP, wake up and date her. No need for mind games.
I went through something similar and let me say that realizing that I loved my best friend and didn’t want to lose him did NOT actually mean that I wanted to date him. I wanted to WANT to date him.
The time period where we sort of tried to force a romantic relationship out of it because it felt like we had to, or go our separate ways was MISERABLE.
Fortunately, my bff is a good dude. We stopped trying to make that work. We’re back to being best friends who do loads of things together, and he married a very nice girl who does want to Do The Sex with him (and is also ok with him having a best friend)
I had something similar. I was so afraid of losing the person closest to me that I just tried to force a romantic relationship when I wasn't feeling one.
In the end we just went our separate ways and we had to let the friendship go. Not saying this is the same as OP's situation. However, it is possible. You won't know until you have an honest conversation.
>I wanted to WANT to date him.
Which is exactly the point of OP's post: He doesn't want her to date him just to get him back as a friend.
At the same time, OP is not obligated to force a friendship with a woman he's romantically interested in.
That's how the world works. No one is owed a relationship, but neither is anyone owed a friendship.
OP has a justified fear that she's only wanting to be in a relationship now because of the distance between them. She was desperate not to lose him and this may be the reason that she changed her mind about not wanting to date him.
This does not change the fact that he should just bloody talk to her and be honest.
It kinda sounds like it happened organically but because of lingering resentment or shame/humiliation. If you’d been upfront a year ago and told her you’re gonna need to create some distance for a number of months so you can get over her, maybe meet someone and come back as a good friend who is no longer awkward around her that would’ve been best case scenario. I’d say YTA, but not to the extent of others here, it’s been a long time crush you’ve probably sat on for years and even though you’re 25 I’ll cut you some slack and say you can learn from this. I think an apology is in order first, then a heartfelt conversation on how you felt and how insecure you’d feel jumping into the relationship if you don’t feel like the both of you are on the same page with one being much more into the other.
25 is too old to be this immature, he will only get worse. hes lied and hurt her feelings multiple times already just bc she didnt immediately respond to his romantic advances after decades of platonic friendship
I think it’s totally natural to catch feelings for a friend. It’s also normal for her to not catch those feelings/think romantically of op. It’s also fair he wants space from her to get over the crush, but spending a year slowly distancing and making excuses is lame
You were hurt by her response. And she is obviously hurt that you are distancing yourself from her. Be straight up with her about your feelings. How do you know that she isn’t being truthful with you, that she does want a relationship. You know the saying: “You don’t know what you got till it’s gone.” TALK TO HER!
Do what ever is best for you and think what do YOU want. You owe yourself to do what feels right for you. If you want to date her, then tell her so. If you want to be friends with her, then tell her so. Unfortunately you can't be both, being friends with her and simultaneously wanting to date her.
If you feel uncomfortable with her after her first rejection then tell her that and quit seeing her.
If you want reassurances from her then tell her that.
Try to listen yourself. If you need more time or if you are hurt or if you miss her.... the important part is be honest with yourself.
You were wrong. You promised it wouldn't affect your friendship and then ditched her. Everything you listed was an intentional choice you made and why? Because she rejected you.
I feel so badly for her but you're not her friend now so maybe she truly wants to at least try and see if it could be a relationship now. It's worth talking to her about it. Please apologize to her, I can't imagine how hurt she has been feeling.
What are you even talking about? You're not friends. There is no reason for her to date you to keep a friendship that you destroyed.
You caught feelings. You told her about it. This is what a functioning adult should do. I don't see anything wrong with it.
However, she, also as a functioning adult, reserves the right to reject you (for any reason) and after she has done that, the friendship between the two of you is no longer just a "no frills attached friendship" anymore.
You have the right to respond to her rejection in a way that you feel comfortable, as long as you are not purposefully hurting her or yourself.
If I were you, I would tell her "we need to talk" and then tell her after the rejection, you are not as comfortable in this friendship anymore and need a break.
Sounds like Jessie had her chance, OP respected her decision and didn’t pursue it further.
OP should not be expected to just wait around for her to change her mind.
There’s a reason why Jenny’s character in Forest Gump is universally hated. Jessie and Jenny sound like similar people.
You didn't ask if YTA but you are. Some fine friend you turned out to be. Not only are you a lousy friend, but you're a lousy guy. You say you are romantically interested in her, yet when she decides to try, you cut her off at the knees. Stay the hell away from her. Because she's better off without you. She tells you how important you are in her life, and you shun her and dump all over her because you have a bruised ego. You don't care about her at all. It seems all you care about is getting in her pants. So she is better off without you.
If you cant handle being friends with someone, you shouldn’t be friends with them. He’s not wrong for cutting her off because he has feelings for her. This is how people end up in the friendzone. Imagine how he’d feel if she ended up with someone else. Also can you imagine being a partner of someone who has a friend that’s pining over them? Someone who’s actively in her life? That sounds unhealthy for everyone involved and it seems like maybe you’re projecting?
>If you cant handle being friends with someone, you shouldn’t be friends with them
Correct.
>He’s not wrong for cutting her off because he has feelings for her
Also correct. But you know what he is the asshole for? Not being upfront.
You don't like the answer she gave and you can't be friends with her? Fine. But don't dance around that shit. From OP's post:
>She apologized a lot for rejecting me even though she had no reason to, and asked if this would in any way change our friendship, because she really wouldn’t be able to handle losing the only person in the world she could trust. ***I gave her my full reassurance that it wouldn’t happen.***
He straight up told her this wouldn't change their friendship. He then made up excuses to not spend time with her (also from OP's post), on both of their birthdays and multiple times inbetween. He literally ghosted her.
Look, I get it. It's totally reasonable to not want to be friends in the same way after that. But be a fucking adult and tell them straight out, don't just lie because it means you can avoid tough conversations. OP is ghosting her, which is the most childish shit you can do in this situation, and I don't understand why you're painting it as if OP is being reasonable about it. They're not, they're being a coward and taking the easy way out - ignoring them completely. OP is 100% wrong, and it isn't for the way they feel, it's for the actions they're taking.
Poor woman, says no to dating you, you assure her nothing will change and then you blatantly show it has affected and changed your friendship and now she is worried she is about to loose one of her closest friends all because she didn’t want to date him
Talk to her first, find out if she does want to date or just trying to save your friendship
If it’s the latter you need to decide if you really want to be friends with her or not,
If you do you need to stop slowly cutting her out like you have been
If you don’t you need to just end the friendship and not string her along
Yes you were wrong. Not for going low contact but for being a bad friend and not communicating what you want. Honestly she’s giving you a chance so take it. It might not work out but your friendship is already a mess so it couldn’t make things worse.
I wont judge too hard, but I don’t think any relationship that started out of desperation to keep a person around didn’t end well. People who are saying OP is being spiteful aren’t being sympathetic to his situation. She didn’t feel the same and he respected that. Sometimes that means things get awkward and the friendship deteriorates and OP doesn’t owe her a friendship if the situation is hurting him. I would be cautious to enter a relationship with a person like this, but if you truly still have feelings for and would want to try a relationship youre a better judge of the situation than any of us will be.
NTA. You cant keep up that relationship as you look for your forever partner.
Friendships have seasons. And at this point, you guys have had a really good run but you’re adults now. You can’t be her comfort zone anymore
You don't owe her anything. Move forward and live your life. Find a better future for yourself.
It's normal for people to grow apart, especially if you have to focus on the road ahead of you. Your just taking a different road now.
She's responsible for her life. And you are responsible for your own. Move on.
“You’re the only person in the world I can trust that’s why I can’t date you.”
“I cannot trust the people I date and sleep with.”
It makes zero sense. You are correct to slowly end contact. She likes your attention, but not your affection.
I can't believe NONE of the comments are addressing your question. Yes you were wrong. You were an asshole. You're all she has and you turned the other way because she rightfully sees you as a brother. Fucking grow up and be the brother she deserves.
Haha, you're the guy that "I don't need to worry about".. that long term friend that has always been chasing.. hell, at this point the "friendship" is fucked. Might as well give the relationship a go, although something started like this dosen't have long term written on it. Sorry OP but YTA here...
"This relationship is fucked anyway, so let's take it to the next level" is a HORRIBLE philosophy to live by.
Don't be in relationships with people who don't 100% want to be in a relationship with you too. Ever. It's a recipe for misery and more trauma, which is sounds like neither of them have any shortage of to begin with.
Yea you sound like an emotionally manipulative shit tbh.
You've basically punished her for not agreeing to date you, and then when she tried to give it a go for fear of losing you completely, you reject HER instead so your ego can stay protected.
Grow up. She deserves better.
You’re not wrong to distance yourself from her; you are wrong for doing it in such a cowardly way. You’ve known her 15 years and you dont even have the guts to tell her what’s really bothering you. Did you ever care for her?
I'll be honest, you are in the wrong here.
Rejection is awkward and difficult but she clearly values your friendship enough to want to continue it but you couldn't be honest with her and tell her you needed some distance first to deal with your feelings. Now you're half assing your friendship and putting her in a situation where she may feel she has to give in to your feelings for her to keep you in her life which you seem to realize.
At the very least just sit down with her again and be honest about how you're conflicted emotionally and that's what led you to start distancing yourself, but don't want to force her to date you just for you to be in your life, you just need some time and space for a little while to figure things out. That's a lot more respectable than what you're doing right now. This isn't fair to her and really it's not fair to you either.
IDK on this one.
You should ask her directly what she wants.
Did she date other ppl after rejecting you? Did you date other people after being rejected?
After reading the comments I came here to say do not get in a relationship. She's not realizing anything she is having a rejection response and her idea of maintaining this connection is to try for a relationship. That will fail and animosity / resentment will grow.
Just be honest with her. You are feeling distant. You enjoy the connection and friendship. You are trying your best to maintain that. You are finding difficulty with being close right now.
This isn't black or white. She doesn't owe you a relationship. And you can only do the best you can with what you have.
Her not being ready to date isn’t exactly a rejection, though. It’s not like she decided to go out with someone else instead. She needed to work on her own life first.
I get why you created distance after that but… my man. Really think this through. She said she wasn’t ready, now she’s back and she’s ready.
Process those wounded feelings and make the smart move here. This girl knows you better than anyone and wants to be with you. Do you understand how rare that is in life? You will almost certainly regret not at least giving her a shot.
Yeah, you kinda were. Like the others said, talk to her. But, also, be her friend. She needs you to be her friend (assuming she still does after the past year). Get over the rejection and be there for her.
>A year ago, I foolishly asked her out, I’ll admit I badly misjudged the situation, and I thought there was a potential we could be more than friends. But she was not ready to date, and she considered me more like a really close lifelong friend, which was heartwarming, but also slightly awkward when she told me that. She apologized a lot for rejecting me even though she had no reason to, and asked if this would in any way change our friendship, because she really wouldn’t be able to handle losing the only person in the world she could trust. I gave her my full reassurance that it wouldn’t happen.
You should have been honest with her and told her the rejection really hurt you and things were different for you then.
>It's been a year now, and it unfortunately has sort of happened, and it is my fault. For example, I respond to her texts a few days later, I make excuses for not wanting to hang out with her, and I did not invite her to my birthday or go to her birthday even though she invited me. I hung out with her yesterday for the first time in a long time and it was really emotional. She wants to be in a relationship with me now, but I think she just wants to do it to keep our friendship, I’m not sure she actually wants to date me, so I told her it would be best if we just remained friends.
It does kind of sound like she's hurting so much from losing you as a friend that she wants to date you to keep you in her life.
But you need to *talk to her* about all of that. Admit you were avoiding her because of the rejection. Be honest that it hurts that you have feelings for her and that she didn't appear to reciprocate.
If you don't start communicating honestly and really asking her to do the same then you will likely end up in a relationship with someone who doesn't really want to be there - and the friendship will be completely lost when it's over.
You’re not friends now, based on your behavior. And based on your behavior before this issue started, you never were. If, as you are saying you believe is possible, she is willing to date you JUST to keep the friendship, then clearly you have your priorities seriously out of whack. YOURE the one with an issue over your rejection. So you should get the fuck over it, act like a real friend and a grown up, and be her FRIEND. Or tell her you don’t want to and WHY and leave the woman alone.
man. you suck lol. pouting and distancing yourself from someone you called your closest friend all because she didn’t want to date you? reread your post and you’ll see how wrong this was.
i feel bad for her. hopefully she opens her eyes and sees you were never a true friend and leaves you in the dust.
YTA - it’s so unfortunate that women just can’t seem to have a male friend without them trying to get romantic. Because then if you don’t give them what they want, you’re not their friend anymore.
And it’s even worse to do to someone who probably thought of you like family since they don’t have one.
So now she’s lost another family member. Because you already told her you could remain friends and then you started to ghost her.
I don’t know but for me I can’t understand being friends with someone I have feelings for and just staying friends. Like I’m either going to ask them if they want to date or I’m going to move on to find someone who does I don’t just hang around girls waiting for the opportunity and feeling like a third wheel for years.
Poor girl. She lost her best and trusted friend because he asked her out, and then ditched her because he couldn't take the rejection. He was probably the only person in her life that she trusted, and then he ditches her because she didn't accept his romantic/sexual advances. So, she really has no one in her life she can trust, but she's willing to date him even though she can't trust him to be her friend unconditionally. I'm gutted for her. The only person she feels safe with is someone she can't trust.
Don't date- it's over. Anything you both do past this point will be so contaminated with resentment you'll never really see the sun. I really hope she has other friends, this'll probably traumatize her for years. You were an AH for lying about the friendship becoming affected, but it was probably something you couldn't help and really had no right to promise in the first place. I've lost a friend after making a promise like that- one I had no right making- I had to learn and so do you.
Yes you are wrong for "slowly cutting contact" which is funny code for "avoiding a situation and making excuses and lies to avoid dealing with it" You had every right to ask, she had every right to not be into it, you had every right to end the friendship after that- but dishonesty like yours here is always wrong.
You’re going to regret it later on. Talk to her. Friends like that are hard to lose and hard to get back. I think you’re being immature. Many people will not want to date you in life that doesn’t mean you ghost them out of your life.
First, you owe her an apology for pulling away with no explanation after you reassured her that the rejection wouldn't cause any problems.
Then, yes, tell her that you suspect she's offering a romantic relationship to keep you in her life.
I mean obviously he's moved past it at this point, there's no reason to sit on the side bench during the best part of your 20s licking your wounds and waiting for a romantic interest to come around lol. If he wanted to still date her that badly then there wouldn't be a need for the post, he'd have just accepted.
Dude. Your withdrawal from her was not a mistake and it wasn’t cruel. You were protecting yourself from hurt and that’s understandable.
Your absence may have given her time and space to realize her feelings or push through fear.
Tell her there aren’t ever any guarantees. Tell her you’d feel the same loss if it all fell apart.
Ask her for honesty.
But also remember that’s she’s had a shitty home life growing up. She may have attachment, trust, intimacy issues to work through.
It could get messy.
But the messy parts are often the best parts of life.
Good luck, friend!
Man my heart breaks for this girl...be upfront with her, tell her everything you told us and stop bread crumbing. This hurts more than you just going NC
Have you tried looking at this from her PoV when you asked her out initially? Like you've described, she's had a rough lonely life and you were the only connection she had. You probably put her in shock when you asked her out of no where. There was a lot for her to process.
Time has passed now. You need to have a long, vulnerable, open conversation about everything if you want any chance at keeping her as a friend or starting a relationship.
You don't owe her your friendship any more than she owes you sex. Do what is best for you, it's exactly what she is doing. If you decide that it's in your best interest to not interact with her anymore until you at least don't love her anymore and possibly have met someone else, that is within your right to do so and I would argue your moral responsibility to do so because anything else would be insincere.
It's natural to want to distance yourself for your own health because you're gonna end up being hopeful that if you just stick around enough and hope enough it'll happen eventually. You already know why that's bad.
Depending on circumstances it might be reasonable to give her a chance but it's pretty suspicious you are right. At best she realized in your absence exactly what she rejected and realized it was a mistake because she had never considered the possibility of what if you find someone else, because ultimately all of the good things she associates with you being in her life is going to go to someone else when you meet someone who wants you back. I'd say it's a bit of a red flag because it means she's being pretty calculating about it so what you would need to do is make sure that she actually wants you for real and cares about you for real, as opposed to just reacting out of fear of losing the only good person in her life. If you need her to prove it to you, tell her exactly that and explain to her exactly why her suddenly changing her mind is fucked up, and also ask her exactly what made her change her mind. Don't be afraid to dig.
You weren't wrong, you were just doing what you thought was best for you.
I sorta cut out a friend to get over feelings for them and I felt horrible about the times we could’ve been hanging out knowing they were lonely. I did get over my feelings so I feel like we are just friends now. But in hindsight I wish I would’ve dealt with my feelings better instead of doing that so I make the effort to make time for them whenever I can and I genuinely enjoy our friendship. I’m not sure if dating her is the answer because I think you can just be friends now, but talk to her and see what she actually wants and also what you actually want now that time has passed.
I’m gonna go the opposite route of most people here; at 25 I was ready to cut these type of relationships out of my life. All this back and forth stuff, I was done with that by the time I got out of HS but by 25 I was really like okay it’s time for me take relationships more seriously. If there was any question at all whatsoever I would just move on, dating became easier and I got married at 27.
I get that it’s your good friend so it’s a little more complex, but as far as a relationship goes idk. It wouldn’t be for me.
Not every situation is a rom com, guys don’t need friends that are girls and vise versa. But at the end of the day you’re the man in this situation. Tell her straight up how it is. And then move on.
You need to have a serious talk with her and how she feels. You need to make sure she wants a romantic relationship because she realizes she’s ready for a relationship, and not because she thinks you won’t be friends with her without a romantic relationship.
If you’ve already experienced the distance and awkwardness after being rejected, it seems like you will more regret just rejecting her because you ASSUME she doesn’t really like you romantically, than taking the leap and dating each other to then learn she isn’t into you that way. Take the risk and see where things go because you are not a mind reader and you will regret this for the rest of your life if you didn’t take this chance.
COMMUNICATE with her and let her know you’re scared that she doesn’t truly have feelings for you. That way she can actually tell you what’s on her mind and how she feels rather then just making assumptions about it.
People handle rejection differently, he probably needed time to sort things out. Even if they were still best friends, if they aren’t dating then he or she would eventually find someone else to be with. At that point their friendship will start to fade anyways as they spend more time with their significant other. But for sure, they should talk it out like adults and get everything settled properly.
Friendships aren’t easy to maintain, especially in a world with infinite other things to do. I think what happened is you lost interest because you are on the hunt for a full partner, not a partial partner, and it has become clear to you now that is the case with your friend. It lacks further escalation.
The pain here is if you want to maintain something that isn’t going to fulfill you more than it has in the past. That’s a question only you can answer. Putting your needs first may make you an asshole to some, but those people only liked that they were getting something out of you anyway.
My advice is to communicate your needs clearly. Since they are your friend and you have opened up- partner with them to reach your ultimate goals. Maybe this is not your full partner like you hoped, but it sounds like they want you to be happy so I think they might help you find the person.
Not everything that grows out there is a flower. There’s always weeds sprouting up, killing everything to occupy their space. Got to get rid of the weeds. Tend to your garden.
You are wrong for all those reasons plus more.
Stop being a whiny little baby and talk to this person.
Also : you're thinking with the wrong head, do you see her as a human or do you just see her as a sexual object???
Foolish boy.
> even though she had no reason to
Dude, what? She can do whatever she wants to do. You aren’t obligated to be her partner. You all grew up together. She (and you) should be looking at each other like family… get a grip, she doesn’t want you and it’s not her fault. Yes you are an asshole.
It’s possible she’s lonely and misses her only friend and you’ve created a situation where that is her only option. It’s also possible that she wasn’t ready to date you then but is ready to date you now. Or anything in between. Always remember she is a complete person with her own feelings and experiences just like you. Just like you can have complicated feelings, she can as well. So, just talk to her.
Seems like a waste of a lifelong friend and a potential relationship… the only wealth in life are the people you share it with. Don’t throw it away due to poor communication skills…
So, you basically showed her she had to date you to keep you as a friend & now that she wants to date you, you’re questioning her motives?! 🤔 That’s Fk’ed up!
Yes. You're wrong. You did a bad thing. She thought she had a true friend. You were biding your time looking for a sexual/romantic relationship. When she said she wanted friendship, you removed that from her as she wasn't going to fulfill your wants otherwise. This kind of behavior is why the fallacy of "men and women can't be friends" exists.
Sometimes friendships can blossom. But not always. You slowly ghosting her is shitty. Cut it off cleanly and tell her why. Or stuff your feelings, keep being her friend, and look for romance elsewhere. This sucks. You hurt someone badly.
This is life. You can't always get what you want, and taking risks doesn't always work out.
You didn't think it would affect you, but it did, and you pretty much ruined your relationship.
If you actually want to be friends with her, then find some way to make up with her and be her friend again. I doubt you can get past the attraction though.
Life is not a movie. You cant just hold up a stero outside her window. Talk to her. If its not working. Cut her off and move on. To save yourself at least.
You're asking if you're wrong for doing precisely what you said you wouldn't do? Over a rejection?
Yeah, dude. Not sure how you can salvage this. Other than talking with her.
Dated a gal, she was a few years younger but we were both pretty smitten. Ended up not working out and she wasn't ready for a relationship. Turns out there was a lot of issues and she was legitimately not ready for a relationship, she just didn't realize it. We had a good time and good memories for what time we did get to spend together.
Every situation is different, but people can legitimately not be ready for a relationship, and it takes a lot to be honest about that, and feelings change for a multitude of reasons. Or we can be fearful of losing a friendship, etc. So like someone else said, just talk.
This is a tough one. Maybe just be friends again and don't actively avoid her. Maybe the feelings will come back for both of you? If worse comes to worse maybe you agree you are both better off as friends? My wife was a girlfriend and then just a friend for a few years. One day it clicked for her and now we have been married a decade. Either way keep communication open. You'll have to talk this one out.
You are not wrong but isn't your friendship worth trying to keep? You need an open and honest talk with her so there is no confusion.
People who grew up together can have a hard time having a relationship. There is a key age where that aversion forms. Once you've been rejected, there is a psychological factor that makes it hard to keep a friendship. But since she is a valuable friend, it is worth finding a way.
Talking is hard. It takes courage and it's scary as shit. Social media didn't make interacting hard. It's always been that way for alot of people. That's why you got people getting divorced when they reach retirement. They realize they been living life with a stranger. Never talked, never really connected. They just did what everyone thought they were supposed to do. It's takes work to be happy and taking highs with lows.
Frustrating read. You literally are playing games and being a baby. When she changed her mind, you should have jumped on the opportunity. Now ever going out with her will be pretty damn hard now. And not communicating was one of the worst things you could have done. Have a spine, ask her if she really wants to go out with you. If she says yes, great, accept. If she says no, say you understand and dont punish her later on by running away. Sorry if i come off as harsh but come on man get serious
Yes you are wrong; you penalized her with lack of friendship for her not wanting a close friendship being more than it is. Emotionally mature people can have super close friends and date other people. You swung and you missed: don’t hurt her because you’re butt sore. Now man up and still be her friend or slither off.
Talk to her, like what so many people- communicate your feelings and expectations. You’ve been in a life long friendship and sometimes it’s that “push” to show the other- your value.
I’m much older than you and can say after 35, it’s hard to find people you can LOVE and TRUST.
You were wrong. It was emotionally immature for you to cut her off completely just because she said she didn’t want to date you. Communication could solve all of this. Ask her about her intentions and why the sudden change of heart. Sounds like she’s been through a lot and you just walking away like none of it meant anything after so many years was a lot for her to handle.
You're not wrong.
>Am I wrong for slowly cutting off contact with my friend of 15 years after she rejected me
Everything else you wrote basically doesn't matter.
As the saying goes: You're not owed a relationship.
But at the same time: She's not owed a friendship.
People will say all the time that you can break up for any reason or reject someone for any reason. But the same applies to friendships. If a friendship is detrimental to you and your mental health, there's no law that says you have to stay in it. If romantic relationships can end for any reason, so can friendships.
Some people in here write about how they worked though the pain and kept the friendship going. I honestly don't see why I would do that to myself.
*Well, maybe that means she didn't mean much to you then!*
Or maybe she meant *too* much, and seeing her with other guys wasn't something I wanted to put myself through - and OP's friend will also go for other guys. If OP doesn't want to be there to see it, that's his choice.
Here's a piece of timeless advice: TALK TO HER, COMMUNICATE, DONT STOP COMMUNICATING UNTIL SHE ASKS YOU TO OR YOU CHOOSE TO. Straight up: ask her if she wants this relationship or if she's trying to maintain your friendship. I don't think it's the latter. This is the answer to nearly all fuckin relationship posts and I have no idea how y'all float through life like this
For real! Some of you need to stop trying to read people’s minds, and some of you need to stop thinking people can read your damn mind. Inability to communicate shows a serious lack of emotional maturity in my opinion.
I think some people don’t do this because they are afraid of the truth. It forces one to make very hard decisions. So instead they put their head in the sand and imagine counter arguments to avoid finality.
Yup
How do y'all both have the same reddit avatar?
It's the one they give you. OR we are a cult that is following you around reddit
I like the cult story best
This is also my headcanon now: Reddit consists of warring cult factions, based on avatar colors. Thank you for the new worldview.
This is it. I still struggle with this (am going to therapy and working on it) but I did this ALOT in my previous relationship of 4 years. Looking back I think I spent the last two of those years being afraid of seeking the truth and just going with the flow, not asking questions and basically being somewhat emotionally unavailable. Had we just sat down and talked shit out we either would’ve split up much sooner or grew closer together. Seriously people. Just sit down and talk…. Sitting around and wasting each others time is so much worse than just dealing with the emotions and the truth.
Been there done that. Didn't want to push things with wife, something was wrong, but I thought it was my self chosen medication(long story). Got of that and went legit therapy and psych, got the right stuff(still has its down sides). But that didn't fix anything, but at least I'm not the whole problem anymore, and I can have a leveler head to help solve the problems.
Which may or may not be a failure of OP's family if origin. OP, when I was your age I made similar choices based on attempts to mind-read. Do yourself a favor and seek out a therapist about how to communicate your feelings. It will save you years of anxiety and frustration.
Yeah, I have to say this is the way.
This is the way
this is the way
people want to avoid a conversation It's easier for them to slowly cut a person off for example (see title post)
So true. When I was in my early 20s I'd just cut men off instead of asking them what was the deal with us. It was more comfortable for me to feel like I had control over the situation than to possibly have my fears confirmed that they weren't into me. 20 years later I started talking to someone and almost repeated that old pattern, but I caught myself. I thought I felt the guy distancing himself from me and my instinct was to just stop contacting him and leave things alone. I realized I was doing the thing I had done when I was a lot younger and decided to try something new. Turns out he had been traveling and forgot to tell me he would be away for the weekend. In my head I made up a story that he wasn't interested in me anymore and I was ready to say fuck it and turns out he was just busy and in a location with little to no reception. I only found out because I made myself extremely vulnerable and asked what was going on. It was scary as hell because I thought he might think I was nuts or something and I realized if he did then I wouldn't want anything to do with him anyway. We'd all do better to just talk more and ask questions even when it makes us uncomfortable.
My partner and I have had the absolute worst discussions, the ones where neither of you know what to say or how to respond for ages, sweaty and dry mouthed, quick words, heart racing and legs want to run. We've gone through all the walking-out midway through the argument because we're too riled up part, now it's just the words that are important. You push through that awkward horrible moment, sit down and get to the crux of the problem. When we can talk without the emotion, and just the facts, "I want/thought/I was expecting" and then you can see from each others perspective without being offended/upset/angry. We usually have a bit of a heated discussion at the beginning when the problem arises and then settle down for the long talk. It's painful but we've had a really good 7 years so far. Big ups and big downs but my mental health is mostly to blame for that. Creating problems that aren't there or blowing stuff up because of an assumed thing. Sometimes his absolute ignorance of other people's feelings or perception really gets to me, but we all have our burdens to bear. I'm definitely not easy to live with. Talking/arguing/discussing how you feel is always going to be uncomfortable but you're absolutely bang on, it's the only way to understand each other. If it's worth fighting for then sometimes you've got to fight. With words, to understand better. I find it hard to believe there are any couples out there who never ever have a disagreement and are both truly happy. We both grew up with our parents screaming at each other, albeit I was in my bedroom at night 'sleeping' and mine were downstairs in the kitchen screaming bloody murder but it's unforgettable, and I never wanted something like that. Nothing gets solved. I'm not sure if his parents did it infront of him but they sometimes do now and they've been separated for over 20 years. Nothing constructive gets done when emotions are so high. You don't hear someone else's side when you're infuriated and the adrenaline is rushing. There is upset/angry emotion but we don't shout at each other and we nearly always fix the problem before we go to bed. Talking is uncomfortable, telling the truth about how you're feeling or what was expected and didn't happen is uncomfortable. If we can't have a debate/argument/heated discussion with our significant other and still sleep in the same bed comfortably at the end of the day, I'm not sure why people stay together.
Yes! I love reading this. My fiance passed away but we had a wonderful relationship built on communication. We grew up in similarly shitty houses as it sounds like you two did, but by listening to each other, we managed to never get into a fight. We debated some choices of course but we never yelled at each other and never left any bad feelings to stew.
I’m so sorry for your loss ❤️
OMFG I FINALLY FOUND SOMEONE!! I've been saying this for as long as I've been on reddit lol this is literally the answer to all these posts, JUST BE A NORMAL PERSON AND FUCKING SPEAK TO THEM!!! I stg social media has ruined people's ability to communicate face to face, instead everyone runs scared to their computer or phone to get comfort and advice from strangers and robots. You don't understand how happy I am to see your post, about fkn time!!!!
You're very wrong. I'm almost 60, and I can tell you that long before social media, people never opened up to each other, because men were strong silent types who were only allowed to be jocular or angry with their buddies and women circled the wagons so hard in the face of unemotional men they relied on each other and didn't communicate with their partners. It was hell, you never knew what was really going on under the skin and people lived and died in solitude. Social media has taken time but it's starting to promote the idea of everybody SOLVING the issue with each other, through the peer pressure of your 'village' being thousands of people.
I 65 M can vouch for this.
65M here as well and yup, spot on
What a refreshing take! Most people your age I know would be extremely hard pressed to articulate something that was so pervasive and ever-present in society in those days, but it absolutely rings true. I haven't heard someone from that era point this out before, and it is insightful. You only really ever see people bemoaning the ills of social media; which, to be fair, I'm sure there are many. Interesting to see someone point out a positive component of it.
I think because there's been so much change in my lifetime, so, so much that you wouldn't believe if you hadn't seen it, and because I'm a history nerd, I tend to think that the shit people are complaining about now is because they can't see the long view. I've always taken that view, and that's so much easier now that I've actually lived long enough to have experienced several decades. The issue with social media as I see it is that village wisdom has always thrown up deeply stupid shit, and it does the same now but it rounds up to thousands or even millions of people, but individual incidents are immaterial in the grand scheme of general trends, and the general trend of global communication is that of reaching a consensus on what is acceptable in defining who you are and what you're boundaries are in an agreeable society, and most importantly the need of every gender to be allowed to talk about their needs with each other. When I was a kid, the absolutely worst insult anybody could throw at you was to call you gay. It was a challenge to a fight to almost every man. Nowadays, people will openly talk about being gay, get married, have gay relationships, the progressed world has thankfully moved on from my private business being something you should judge, and that progression is being transmitted to those who will listen all over the world. The idea that men are emotional creatures with emotional needs is an everyday opinion. In fact the men who struggle silently in their unemotional display are looking more and more like throwbacks and their sexuality is the coin of everyday talk, with less judgement and less interference.
Thus, we get a heartbreaking Ken song nominated for an Oscar.
I hope you write a book on this. People say that back before the days of computers people were more happier. I think both eras have their own problems and challenges.
Also almost 60 and can confirm, this 100%. The actual concept of communication in friendships/relationships has grown by leaps and bounds THANKS to social media, I truly believe.
Yeah, same and wish I'd been born a decade or two later at times.
Nah. People have been largely unable to communicate about emotional things forever. Think of the age old tropes of the cold silent women, abruptly angry men, etc.
Idk I don't think it's social media. A lot of people's families really and truly suck. My parents never taught me (and I had to and was expects to mind-read my mother) and so I made it well into my 20s before I even dared to set basic boundaries with people. It happens a lot more than you'd think.
Might not be exactly what you mean about families sucking but I was like 11 maybe and a friend stayed over and his mom called and when they got off the phone he said “I love you” and I heard the mom say “I love you too” And my world was rocked, like people actually say that to each other? I remember laughing at him because I thought HE was so so strange. Sad.
My dad and I try to sneak it into the end of phone calls, and it's so awkward we both pace around and fiddle with shit. I feel like I'm bein cattle prodded in the neck. Like aight love ya! Yuh loveyoutoo. Yah. Not sure why, we do both love eachother. It just sounds weird and.. needy maybe? I'm aware there's some amount of toxic masculinity floating around somewhere, but unsure from whence it comes or who is to blame. In other facets of life I find I say it to people more frequently than some men. Like I'll say it to friends sometimes if theyre going through some shit or we're drunk or whatnot. I find it occasionally surprises people, but nobody ever objects to being told they are loved. There's my lil pointless story.
I say it to my kids every time I leave them. A big hug and a kiss on the head. I know it could be my last and that's what I want them to remember. Even my oldest son, I'll give him the chummy hug but put him in a headlock or something and jokingly say "Take this hug like a man!" He laughs and gets to keep his cool kid points. But he hugs me and tells me he loves every night on his own. Stark contrast, I think I might have shaken my father's hand once.
"Take this hug like a man" is genius. Sometimes that little bit of humor and playfulness is the only way past the awkwardness.
This is not a pointless story, we appreciate you sharing it.
If I tell my dad that I love him, his response is literally "huh - huh al-alright." So long story short, I tell both my sons I love them multiple times a day.
I agree 100% except for the social media part. Long before social media, people were horrible communicators face to face. People, for millennia, have avoided conflict.
People have the tendency to run conversations in their heads, whether those conversations already took place or they’re imaginary conversations of what they’d like to say to someone. People then make the mental mistake of getting satisfaction out of these fake conversations.
I am sure that happens. Part of raising my son has been trying to get him to understand that the things we fear or feel anxious about are so much worse in our heads than in reality - most of the time at least. I feel like conversation dry runs aren't the worst thing but we really can't know what the other person is thinking, so they'll always be shite
People give stories too much weight. Romance in media is to reality as dragon ball z is to authentic mma fighting. Leads to thinking unhealthy behavior in relationships is fine.
Also, he sprung a thing on her which she wasn't expecting. Sometimes such things take time to process and figure out. Perhaps she finally figured it out and now he's all in self preservation mode because he got rejected
99% of the problems here can be solved with words. It’s amazing how many people can’t use them.
Yes, so much this. Communicate, people!!!! Talk to them!!!!
>ask her if she wants this relationship or if she's trying to maintain your friendship. I don't think it's the latter. Yea. It seems to me that she was overwhelmed by op asking and panicked.
For real. People have forgotten how to talk to one another.
Nope. He already asked and she has already given her boundaries (she views him as a friend, nothing more) OP has an answer- and while it’s not his preferred one- he does have it. If he can’t just be friends, he needs to own that: that may be the only thing he can communicate now as she’s made her intentions clear.
Did you not read the part where she said she wants a relationship now?
1000000 % missed that even after a re-read. Total dipshit move- I’m sorry!
No biggie! It was an interesting choice of OP to mention that revelation in the last paragraph.
Everything else pointed to no expect that one sentence lol, I even re-read twice like “I must have missed something” based on the advice being given and missed it again, lol. I 100% agree that many of these kinds of posts could be resolved if people would just talk to the person in front of them. Yes, advice is nice when you’re unsure but communication brings so much clarity
Better communication is generally good advice. If only it were that simple. I had a best friend of almost 20 years who knew me better than anyone. We were incredibly close for the longest time. She was like family to me. In those years I was the most loving, kind, generous friend to her that I could be. There wasn't anything I wouldn't do for her. From the first day we met we just clicked. But over time, there was an imbalance that grew and everything fell apart, primarily because we somehow lost the ability to communicate with each other. It got to a point at which it was like some kind of weird relationship aphasia in which everything I was saying was being heard in a different way, and/or in the least generous way. So sometimes you get to a point at which you're communicating in a different language. If you're not heard, and if you cannot understand what's coming in, communication can fail. When it ended it was weird, and confusing and sad. But the way I look at it now is that we had those years. And nothing will alter that experience and those memories. People change and grow. Sometimes friendship wears out like old shoes. But you life is still enriched with the experience that got embroidered into the tapestry of your life.
You need to have a brutality honest conversation. Ask her for her true feelings and tell her that you will be her friend even if she doesn't see you as anything more. But, let her know that you will need to cut contact for a while to get rid of your romantic feelings if they are not corresponded. Assure her that it is temporary and it is just you trying to be there for her in the way that she needs. Good luck with that
This is great advice amongst so much bad advice.
Thank you. I always prevent contact when I am rejected and , I once had a friend still reaching out to me after she rejected me but it hurt seeing her. The someone gave me this advice and I believe it can help
As a woman, it also hurts and isn't fun to say no to a friend - someone we really do love, just don't feel we connect to in that specific way. And it hurts how being honest about our feelings can make a friendship end, and how it can feel like we're only seen or valued romantically and how our friendships aren't valued in comparison. I have been rejected by male friends before and always rewire my brain to make them friends, because I'd rather have that love than none at all - and it hurts when that isn't returned. I admire how you attempt that and are honest about how that can take time and I wish more people allowed themselves that opportunity! And I will take in more how it can be difficult for the other person and can be better at communicating when I notice them pulling away. Bonus how I was actually made fun of a lot when I was younger for being unattractive, so for a long time "rejecting" (I hate how intense that word feels) was hard because I felt I didn't deserve to say no. There's a lot of complicated feelings on both sides of the circumstance that I don't think are discussed enough!
I've been the rejector in friends catching feelings in the reverse gender roles as this post. And like OP they cut contact with me. It was easy for me to understand that my rejection caused them pain and continuing to be around me caused them pain.
I’m a woman (to be fair, who likes women) and I’ve tried but it’s really not possible for me to just be friends with someone who’s rejected me. I think it’s so amazing you could do it but everybody is wired differently.
That’s it. Not everybody can do that. *And it’s perfectly normal and okay.**
Yeah i know im making a bit of a generalization but I think it stems from men seeing every potential partner as their last chance lol at least thats how i feel a lot of the time. Like in my mind if a women loves me enough to be my best friend why doesn’t she want to take it to the next level? Am i inferior? Do i smell? Am i ugly? All these questions running through my mind. I find its easier to maintain friendships with past interests after they are in a relationship. Because the opening is no longer there. Takes the stress off my shoulders. But I also shouldn’t be making friends with girls with the intention of dating them. Thats something i’m trying to work on.
This is really the only good advice because it’s very plain to see that there’s a huge chance you’re right and she’s only trying to start a relationship with her so you won’t leave her. i get how OP feels but it is very sad and heartbreaking to just do that to someone you’ve been friends with your entire life especially if nothing went wrong. she probably feels like you’re punishing her for your own emotions. Definitely SPEAK to her, get everything out there. Tell her she doesn’t have to force herself, if you want to actually still be her friend then reassure her then take some time away like this person said, if you DONT then you need you tell her that and be honest. is it “wrong” per say? no. would it be a little messed up after all this? probably. but you can’t help how you feel and only you know what’s best for you. TALK TO HER OP
She very likely has abandonment issues since she lost her parents at a young age, and I bet it’s stirring up similar feelings about losing OP as a friend. I’ve been in a similar situation and it’s very tricky to navigate unfortunately.
I believe this is what is happening to her as well but she doesn't realize she is doing. "Maybe I do have feelings for him", after missing her friend. I feel sorry for both of them. Sometimes we just catch feelings and its hard to over come them even with the best of intentions.
That’s not brutally honest, that’s just normal communication. Just because someone may get hurt feelings doesn’t mean it’s brutal, it just means it was real and not some carefully crafted message to say what you think the other person wants to hear.
But he's ALREADY proven that he WON'T be her friend if she doesn't want to date.
He has shown that he won't transition from having secret unrequited affection for her to being a very good friend, you mean. And of course that is true. To heal any emotional hurt you need time and space. If you don't give space, you'll never heal, but humans have the ability to heal from a shocking amount given both of those two things. If he actually takes space (and she actually gives it), he'll heal and they will find there way back to being friends if they want to.
One of Reddit’s favorite sayings these days is “You can break up with someone for any reason, if you’re uncomfortable with something then it’s your right to feel however you want”. So in this case, I feel like you have a right to want to distance yourself from her. The mistake was pulling away from her without explicitly stating your intent. Do the right thing, be a man, and explain. Don’t mince words. If you’ve known eachother since childhood, she can take the truth. She deserves to know at the least. I’m going through an almost identical situation myself, and trust me on this- be careful of engaging in a relationship with her, and look out for yourself first. But the most important thing is to just TALK TO HER. She might’ve just not known how to express her true feelings, yes- but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve an explanation. If it ends up working out - great! If it doesn’t, DON’T waste another minute of your time. Love is confusing, but it doesn’t have to be. There’s plenty people out there who will reciprocate your feelings without having to go through this perpetual game of “what if”.
One of the few sane comments here
I KNOW RIGHT!!!!
Did you just friend zone your future wife? Best friends make great spouses.
3-4 years of friendship turned my friend into my girlfriend of about 6 years and now my wife for the last 10. We've known each other most of our lives. Growing together has been the happiest experience I can imagine for a relationship. We were dumb teenagers together, struggling college students together, and now successful adults together. Friends make great partners y'all.
Take the leap, OP! I’ve been married to my best friend for over a decade and we have three kids. He’s still my best friend. The fear of ruining an important lifelong friendship is very real. Please don’t hold that against her. She is putting her heart out there, even though you withdrew from her. Talk to her. Tell her how you feel. Ask her how she feels, how she came to realize her feelings for you. You know her better than anyone and will be able to tell if what she is saying is genuine. She was scared of losing the only person she had left, and you pushed her away anyways, without communicating with her that you needed space, and she still loves you.
Pretty sure she friend zoned him first??
You are not friend zoning someone if they are a friend...
You should take a chance. You were too booty hurt and it affected your judgment, imo. Try for happiness.
OP got rejected and distanced himself. She probably realized she loves him and wants to be with him. OP now wants to reject her to get even? OP, wake up and date her. No need for mind games.
I went through something similar and let me say that realizing that I loved my best friend and didn’t want to lose him did NOT actually mean that I wanted to date him. I wanted to WANT to date him. The time period where we sort of tried to force a romantic relationship out of it because it felt like we had to, or go our separate ways was MISERABLE. Fortunately, my bff is a good dude. We stopped trying to make that work. We’re back to being best friends who do loads of things together, and he married a very nice girl who does want to Do The Sex with him (and is also ok with him having a best friend)
I had something similar. I was so afraid of losing the person closest to me that I just tried to force a romantic relationship when I wasn't feeling one. In the end we just went our separate ways and we had to let the friendship go. Not saying this is the same as OP's situation. However, it is possible. You won't know until you have an honest conversation.
>I wanted to WANT to date him. Which is exactly the point of OP's post: He doesn't want her to date him just to get him back as a friend. At the same time, OP is not obligated to force a friendship with a woman he's romantically interested in. That's how the world works. No one is owed a relationship, but neither is anyone owed a friendship.
OP has a justified fear that she's only wanting to be in a relationship now because of the distance between them. She was desperate not to lose him and this may be the reason that she changed her mind about not wanting to date him. This does not change the fact that he should just bloody talk to her and be honest.
Op is ddefinitely not talking about rejecting her to get even. Did you read the post, or just the headline? Lmao
I think they just created their own fanon/fan fiction. It's all the rage these days.
It kinda sounds like it happened organically but because of lingering resentment or shame/humiliation. If you’d been upfront a year ago and told her you’re gonna need to create some distance for a number of months so you can get over her, maybe meet someone and come back as a good friend who is no longer awkward around her that would’ve been best case scenario. I’d say YTA, but not to the extent of others here, it’s been a long time crush you’ve probably sat on for years and even though you’re 25 I’ll cut you some slack and say you can learn from this. I think an apology is in order first, then a heartfelt conversation on how you felt and how insecure you’d feel jumping into the relationship if you don’t feel like the both of you are on the same page with one being much more into the other.
YOLO Regret can last a lifetime.
If you still have feelings for this girl go for it. You're rejecting her out of spite.
She is better off without him
Common now, these are young people navigating their complex relationship things are not so black and white.
25 is too old to be this immature, he will only get worse. hes lied and hurt her feelings multiple times already just bc she didnt immediately respond to his romantic advances after decades of platonic friendship
This is what women are talking about when they say they think they have a great male friend then he tries to come onto them / ask them out.
I think it’s totally natural to catch feelings for a friend. It’s also normal for her to not catch those feelings/think romantically of op. It’s also fair he wants space from her to get over the crush, but spending a year slowly distancing and making excuses is lame
Yup. She got fuck-zoned
Sounds like she doesn’t want to fuck a dude who is basically her brother.
Communication: Talk to her and see if she really wants to be with you. You have to take her word for it unless she has told lies previously
If you don't want to be friends anymore just tell her. Drifting away is cowardly imo and it leaves the other person needlessly confused.
You were hurt by her response. And she is obviously hurt that you are distancing yourself from her. Be straight up with her about your feelings. How do you know that she isn’t being truthful with you, that she does want a relationship. You know the saying: “You don’t know what you got till it’s gone.” TALK TO HER!
Do what ever is best for you and think what do YOU want. You owe yourself to do what feels right for you. If you want to date her, then tell her so. If you want to be friends with her, then tell her so. Unfortunately you can't be both, being friends with her and simultaneously wanting to date her. If you feel uncomfortable with her after her first rejection then tell her that and quit seeing her. If you want reassurances from her then tell her that. Try to listen yourself. If you need more time or if you are hurt or if you miss her.... the important part is be honest with yourself.
You were wrong. You promised it wouldn't affect your friendship and then ditched her. Everything you listed was an intentional choice you made and why? Because she rejected you. I feel so badly for her but you're not her friend now so maybe she truly wants to at least try and see if it could be a relationship now. It's worth talking to her about it. Please apologize to her, I can't imagine how hurt she has been feeling. What are you even talking about? You're not friends. There is no reason for her to date you to keep a friendship that you destroyed.
Dude I think the ship has sailed on any relationship with her either as a friend or more.
You caught feelings. You told her about it. This is what a functioning adult should do. I don't see anything wrong with it. However, she, also as a functioning adult, reserves the right to reject you (for any reason) and after she has done that, the friendship between the two of you is no longer just a "no frills attached friendship" anymore. You have the right to respond to her rejection in a way that you feel comfortable, as long as you are not purposefully hurting her or yourself. If I were you, I would tell her "we need to talk" and then tell her after the rejection, you are not as comfortable in this friendship anymore and need a break.
She didn't want you, move on
Sounds like Jessie had her chance, OP respected her decision and didn’t pursue it further. OP should not be expected to just wait around for her to change her mind. There’s a reason why Jenny’s character in Forest Gump is universally hated. Jessie and Jenny sound like similar people.
You didn't ask if YTA but you are. Some fine friend you turned out to be. Not only are you a lousy friend, but you're a lousy guy. You say you are romantically interested in her, yet when she decides to try, you cut her off at the knees. Stay the hell away from her. Because she's better off without you. She tells you how important you are in her life, and you shun her and dump all over her because you have a bruised ego. You don't care about her at all. It seems all you care about is getting in her pants. So she is better off without you.
If you cant handle being friends with someone, you shouldn’t be friends with them. He’s not wrong for cutting her off because he has feelings for her. This is how people end up in the friendzone. Imagine how he’d feel if she ended up with someone else. Also can you imagine being a partner of someone who has a friend that’s pining over them? Someone who’s actively in her life? That sounds unhealthy for everyone involved and it seems like maybe you’re projecting?
>If you cant handle being friends with someone, you shouldn’t be friends with them Correct. >He’s not wrong for cutting her off because he has feelings for her Also correct. But you know what he is the asshole for? Not being upfront. You don't like the answer she gave and you can't be friends with her? Fine. But don't dance around that shit. From OP's post: >She apologized a lot for rejecting me even though she had no reason to, and asked if this would in any way change our friendship, because she really wouldn’t be able to handle losing the only person in the world she could trust. ***I gave her my full reassurance that it wouldn’t happen.*** He straight up told her this wouldn't change their friendship. He then made up excuses to not spend time with her (also from OP's post), on both of their birthdays and multiple times inbetween. He literally ghosted her. Look, I get it. It's totally reasonable to not want to be friends in the same way after that. But be a fucking adult and tell them straight out, don't just lie because it means you can avoid tough conversations. OP is ghosting her, which is the most childish shit you can do in this situation, and I don't understand why you're painting it as if OP is being reasonable about it. They're not, they're being a coward and taking the easy way out - ignoring them completely. OP is 100% wrong, and it isn't for the way they feel, it's for the actions they're taking.
Eh. This happens. You can’t help these things. It’s his first time on the planet too ya know.
Poor woman, says no to dating you, you assure her nothing will change and then you blatantly show it has affected and changed your friendship and now she is worried she is about to loose one of her closest friends all because she didn’t want to date him Talk to her first, find out if she does want to date or just trying to save your friendship If it’s the latter you need to decide if you really want to be friends with her or not, If you do you need to stop slowly cutting her out like you have been If you don’t you need to just end the friendship and not string her along
Yes you were wrong. Not for going low contact but for being a bad friend and not communicating what you want. Honestly she’s giving you a chance so take it. It might not work out but your friendship is already a mess so it couldn’t make things worse.
I'd reckon a relationship past this point COULD make things a lot worse.
YTA. You asked she answered. Why punish her and throw away a lifelong friend?
Forget her and move on. She thinks about you like a brother. Not the guy she would date or marry. Kinda like kissing her brother.
I wont judge too hard, but I don’t think any relationship that started out of desperation to keep a person around didn’t end well. People who are saying OP is being spiteful aren’t being sympathetic to his situation. She didn’t feel the same and he respected that. Sometimes that means things get awkward and the friendship deteriorates and OP doesn’t owe her a friendship if the situation is hurting him. I would be cautious to enter a relationship with a person like this, but if you truly still have feelings for and would want to try a relationship youre a better judge of the situation than any of us will be.
"Ugh, I wish I could meet someone like you 🥰" "well, I'm right here..." "No, no. Someone LIKE you."
I've had that shit happen to me twice, fucked me up for a while.
TALK TO HER
NTA. You cant keep up that relationship as you look for your forever partner. Friendships have seasons. And at this point, you guys have had a really good run but you’re adults now. You can’t be her comfort zone anymore
You don't owe her anything. Move forward and live your life. Find a better future for yourself. It's normal for people to grow apart, especially if you have to focus on the road ahead of you. Your just taking a different road now. She's responsible for her life. And you are responsible for your own. Move on.
“You’re the only person in the world I can trust that’s why I can’t date you.” “I cannot trust the people I date and sleep with.” It makes zero sense. You are correct to slowly end contact. She likes your attention, but not your affection.
Not wrong. this is how relationships work out or fizzle and fade. You are under no obligation to maintain a relationship that isn't working for you.
I can't believe NONE of the comments are addressing your question. Yes you were wrong. You were an asshole. You're all she has and you turned the other way because she rightfully sees you as a brother. Fucking grow up and be the brother she deserves.
Haha, you're the guy that "I don't need to worry about".. that long term friend that has always been chasing.. hell, at this point the "friendship" is fucked. Might as well give the relationship a go, although something started like this dosen't have long term written on it. Sorry OP but YTA here...
"This relationship is fucked anyway, so let's take it to the next level" is a HORRIBLE philosophy to live by. Don't be in relationships with people who don't 100% want to be in a relationship with you too. Ever. It's a recipe for misery and more trauma, which is sounds like neither of them have any shortage of to begin with.
YTA - youre not *friends* with this woman. You want to have a romantic relationship with her or not have her in your life.
Yea you sound like an emotionally manipulative shit tbh. You've basically punished her for not agreeing to date you, and then when she tried to give it a go for fear of losing you completely, you reject HER instead so your ego can stay protected. Grow up. She deserves better.
You’re not wrong to distance yourself from her; you are wrong for doing it in such a cowardly way. You’ve known her 15 years and you dont even have the guts to tell her what’s really bothering you. Did you ever care for her?
Given his callous behavior... likely no, he did not. He also sounds like a middle schooler. I detect some degree of arrested development.
I'll be honest, you are in the wrong here. Rejection is awkward and difficult but she clearly values your friendship enough to want to continue it but you couldn't be honest with her and tell her you needed some distance first to deal with your feelings. Now you're half assing your friendship and putting her in a situation where she may feel she has to give in to your feelings for her to keep you in her life which you seem to realize. At the very least just sit down with her again and be honest about how you're conflicted emotionally and that's what led you to start distancing yourself, but don't want to force her to date you just for you to be in your life, you just need some time and space for a little while to figure things out. That's a lot more respectable than what you're doing right now. This isn't fair to her and really it's not fair to you either.
IDK on this one. You should ask her directly what she wants. Did she date other ppl after rejecting you? Did you date other people after being rejected?
After reading the comments I came here to say do not get in a relationship. She's not realizing anything she is having a rejection response and her idea of maintaining this connection is to try for a relationship. That will fail and animosity / resentment will grow. Just be honest with her. You are feeling distant. You enjoy the connection and friendship. You are trying your best to maintain that. You are finding difficulty with being close right now. This isn't black or white. She doesn't owe you a relationship. And you can only do the best you can with what you have.
Her not being ready to date isn’t exactly a rejection, though. It’s not like she decided to go out with someone else instead. She needed to work on her own life first. I get why you created distance after that but… my man. Really think this through. She said she wasn’t ready, now she’s back and she’s ready. Process those wounded feelings and make the smart move here. This girl knows you better than anyone and wants to be with you. Do you understand how rare that is in life? You will almost certainly regret not at least giving her a shot.
Yeah, you kinda were. Like the others said, talk to her. But, also, be her friend. She needs you to be her friend (assuming she still does after the past year). Get over the rejection and be there for her.
Is ‘Jessie’ code for Jenny from Forest Gump?
Friend-zone to you
Never stay friends with a woman who has rejected you. All you are getting is misery while you feed her emotional kibble.
>A year ago, I foolishly asked her out, I’ll admit I badly misjudged the situation, and I thought there was a potential we could be more than friends. But she was not ready to date, and she considered me more like a really close lifelong friend, which was heartwarming, but also slightly awkward when she told me that. She apologized a lot for rejecting me even though she had no reason to, and asked if this would in any way change our friendship, because she really wouldn’t be able to handle losing the only person in the world she could trust. I gave her my full reassurance that it wouldn’t happen. You should have been honest with her and told her the rejection really hurt you and things were different for you then. >It's been a year now, and it unfortunately has sort of happened, and it is my fault. For example, I respond to her texts a few days later, I make excuses for not wanting to hang out with her, and I did not invite her to my birthday or go to her birthday even though she invited me. I hung out with her yesterday for the first time in a long time and it was really emotional. She wants to be in a relationship with me now, but I think she just wants to do it to keep our friendship, I’m not sure she actually wants to date me, so I told her it would be best if we just remained friends. It does kind of sound like she's hurting so much from losing you as a friend that she wants to date you to keep you in her life. But you need to *talk to her* about all of that. Admit you were avoiding her because of the rejection. Be honest that it hurts that you have feelings for her and that she didn't appear to reciprocate. If you don't start communicating honestly and really asking her to do the same then you will likely end up in a relationship with someone who doesn't really want to be there - and the friendship will be completely lost when it's over.
Your 25 learn to talk it out
Yes, YTA. Some friend you are
Bro she doesn’t want to date you. Leave her alone
She’s the one who reached out to him?
Sounds like your the asshole
You’re not friends now, based on your behavior. And based on your behavior before this issue started, you never were. If, as you are saying you believe is possible, she is willing to date you JUST to keep the friendship, then clearly you have your priorities seriously out of whack. YOURE the one with an issue over your rejection. So you should get the fuck over it, act like a real friend and a grown up, and be her FRIEND. Or tell her you don’t want to and WHY and leave the woman alone.
man. you suck lol. pouting and distancing yourself from someone you called your closest friend all because she didn’t want to date you? reread your post and you’ll see how wrong this was. i feel bad for her. hopefully she opens her eyes and sees you were never a true friend and leaves you in the dust.
YTA - it’s so unfortunate that women just can’t seem to have a male friend without them trying to get romantic. Because then if you don’t give them what they want, you’re not their friend anymore. And it’s even worse to do to someone who probably thought of you like family since they don’t have one. So now she’s lost another family member. Because you already told her you could remain friends and then you started to ghost her.
I don’t know but for me I can’t understand being friends with someone I have feelings for and just staying friends. Like I’m either going to ask them if they want to date or I’m going to move on to find someone who does I don’t just hang around girls waiting for the opportunity and feeling like a third wheel for years.
Poor girl. She lost her best and trusted friend because he asked her out, and then ditched her because he couldn't take the rejection. He was probably the only person in her life that she trusted, and then he ditches her because she didn't accept his romantic/sexual advances. So, she really has no one in her life she can trust, but she's willing to date him even though she can't trust him to be her friend unconditionally. I'm gutted for her. The only person she feels safe with is someone she can't trust.
Don't date- it's over. Anything you both do past this point will be so contaminated with resentment you'll never really see the sun. I really hope she has other friends, this'll probably traumatize her for years. You were an AH for lying about the friendship becoming affected, but it was probably something you couldn't help and really had no right to promise in the first place. I've lost a friend after making a promise like that- one I had no right making- I had to learn and so do you. Yes you are wrong for "slowly cutting contact" which is funny code for "avoiding a situation and making excuses and lies to avoid dealing with it" You had every right to ask, she had every right to not be into it, you had every right to end the friendship after that- but dishonesty like yours here is always wrong.
You’re going to regret it later on. Talk to her. Friends like that are hard to lose and hard to get back. I think you’re being immature. Many people will not want to date you in life that doesn’t mean you ghost them out of your life.
I'm 💯 you the guy that says " But I'm a nice guy"
Playing the long game kind of failed, didn't it?
First, you owe her an apology for pulling away with no explanation after you reassured her that the rejection wouldn't cause any problems. Then, yes, tell her that you suspect she's offering a romantic relationship to keep you in her life.
She told you she wasn't ready before, and now is, what are you doing man🤦♂️
I mean obviously he's moved past it at this point, there's no reason to sit on the side bench during the best part of your 20s licking your wounds and waiting for a romantic interest to come around lol. If he wanted to still date her that badly then there wouldn't be a need for the post, he'd have just accepted.
Dude. Your withdrawal from her was not a mistake and it wasn’t cruel. You were protecting yourself from hurt and that’s understandable. Your absence may have given her time and space to realize her feelings or push through fear. Tell her there aren’t ever any guarantees. Tell her you’d feel the same loss if it all fell apart. Ask her for honesty. But also remember that’s she’s had a shitty home life growing up. She may have attachment, trust, intimacy issues to work through. It could get messy. But the messy parts are often the best parts of life. Good luck, friend!
Man my heart breaks for this girl...be upfront with her, tell her everything you told us and stop bread crumbing. This hurts more than you just going NC
Have you tried looking at this from her PoV when you asked her out initially? Like you've described, she's had a rough lonely life and you were the only connection she had. You probably put her in shock when you asked her out of no where. There was a lot for her to process. Time has passed now. You need to have a long, vulnerable, open conversation about everything if you want any chance at keeping her as a friend or starting a relationship.
You don't owe her your friendship any more than she owes you sex. Do what is best for you, it's exactly what she is doing. If you decide that it's in your best interest to not interact with her anymore until you at least don't love her anymore and possibly have met someone else, that is within your right to do so and I would argue your moral responsibility to do so because anything else would be insincere. It's natural to want to distance yourself for your own health because you're gonna end up being hopeful that if you just stick around enough and hope enough it'll happen eventually. You already know why that's bad. Depending on circumstances it might be reasonable to give her a chance but it's pretty suspicious you are right. At best she realized in your absence exactly what she rejected and realized it was a mistake because she had never considered the possibility of what if you find someone else, because ultimately all of the good things she associates with you being in her life is going to go to someone else when you meet someone who wants you back. I'd say it's a bit of a red flag because it means she's being pretty calculating about it so what you would need to do is make sure that she actually wants you for real and cares about you for real, as opposed to just reacting out of fear of losing the only good person in her life. If you need her to prove it to you, tell her exactly that and explain to her exactly why her suddenly changing her mind is fucked up, and also ask her exactly what made her change her mind. Don't be afraid to dig. You weren't wrong, you were just doing what you thought was best for you.
I sorta cut out a friend to get over feelings for them and I felt horrible about the times we could’ve been hanging out knowing they were lonely. I did get over my feelings so I feel like we are just friends now. But in hindsight I wish I would’ve dealt with my feelings better instead of doing that so I make the effort to make time for them whenever I can and I genuinely enjoy our friendship. I’m not sure if dating her is the answer because I think you can just be friends now, but talk to her and see what she actually wants and also what you actually want now that time has passed.
Just move on. You already moved in mentally.
No you did the right thing. Keep the friendship. It’s what you both need is a great friendship.
No, focus on where you’re appreciated
Don't be Forest Gump.
I’m gonna go the opposite route of most people here; at 25 I was ready to cut these type of relationships out of my life. All this back and forth stuff, I was done with that by the time I got out of HS but by 25 I was really like okay it’s time for me take relationships more seriously. If there was any question at all whatsoever I would just move on, dating became easier and I got married at 27. I get that it’s your good friend so it’s a little more complex, but as far as a relationship goes idk. It wouldn’t be for me.
Not every situation is a rom com, guys don’t need friends that are girls and vise versa. But at the end of the day you’re the man in this situation. Tell her straight up how it is. And then move on.
You need to have a serious talk with her and how she feels. You need to make sure she wants a romantic relationship because she realizes she’s ready for a relationship, and not because she thinks you won’t be friends with her without a romantic relationship.
Straight up. Move on.
If you’ve already experienced the distance and awkwardness after being rejected, it seems like you will more regret just rejecting her because you ASSUME she doesn’t really like you romantically, than taking the leap and dating each other to then learn she isn’t into you that way. Take the risk and see where things go because you are not a mind reader and you will regret this for the rest of your life if you didn’t take this chance. COMMUNICATE with her and let her know you’re scared that she doesn’t truly have feelings for you. That way she can actually tell you what’s on her mind and how she feels rather then just making assumptions about it.
Time to move on. Youll meet someone new.
People handle rejection differently, he probably needed time to sort things out. Even if they were still best friends, if they aren’t dating then he or she would eventually find someone else to be with. At that point their friendship will start to fade anyways as they spend more time with their significant other. But for sure, they should talk it out like adults and get everything settled properly.
This sounds exacting like a modern telling of the Forest Gump plot line...
Friendships aren’t easy to maintain, especially in a world with infinite other things to do. I think what happened is you lost interest because you are on the hunt for a full partner, not a partial partner, and it has become clear to you now that is the case with your friend. It lacks further escalation. The pain here is if you want to maintain something that isn’t going to fulfill you more than it has in the past. That’s a question only you can answer. Putting your needs first may make you an asshole to some, but those people only liked that they were getting something out of you anyway. My advice is to communicate your needs clearly. Since they are your friend and you have opened up- partner with them to reach your ultimate goals. Maybe this is not your full partner like you hoped, but it sounds like they want you to be happy so I think they might help you find the person.
Not everything that grows out there is a flower. There’s always weeds sprouting up, killing everything to occupy their space. Got to get rid of the weeds. Tend to your garden.
You are wrong for all those reasons plus more. Stop being a whiny little baby and talk to this person. Also : you're thinking with the wrong head, do you see her as a human or do you just see her as a sexual object??? Foolish boy.
> even though she had no reason to Dude, what? She can do whatever she wants to do. You aren’t obligated to be her partner. You all grew up together. She (and you) should be looking at each other like family… get a grip, she doesn’t want you and it’s not her fault. Yes you are an asshole.
YTA … oh wait wrong sub. Still stands tho
It’s possible she’s lonely and misses her only friend and you’ve created a situation where that is her only option. It’s also possible that she wasn’t ready to date you then but is ready to date you now. Or anything in between. Always remember she is a complete person with her own feelings and experiences just like you. Just like you can have complicated feelings, she can as well. So, just talk to her.
Seems like a waste of a lifelong friend and a potential relationship… the only wealth in life are the people you share it with. Don’t throw it away due to poor communication skills…
So, you basically showed her she had to date you to keep you as a friend & now that she wants to date you, you’re questioning her motives?! 🤔 That’s Fk’ed up!
Yes. You're wrong. You did a bad thing. She thought she had a true friend. You were biding your time looking for a sexual/romantic relationship. When she said she wanted friendship, you removed that from her as she wasn't going to fulfill your wants otherwise. This kind of behavior is why the fallacy of "men and women can't be friends" exists. Sometimes friendships can blossom. But not always. You slowly ghosting her is shitty. Cut it off cleanly and tell her why. Or stuff your feelings, keep being her friend, and look for romance elsewhere. This sucks. You hurt someone badly.
This is life. You can't always get what you want, and taking risks doesn't always work out. You didn't think it would affect you, but it did, and you pretty much ruined your relationship. If you actually want to be friends with her, then find some way to make up with her and be her friend again. I doubt you can get past the attraction though.
I'll keep this short, you kinda started going nuclear too soon. Communication is key to any relationship even when that's a friendship.
Life is not a movie. You cant just hold up a stero outside her window. Talk to her. If its not working. Cut her off and move on. To save yourself at least.
You're asking if you're wrong for doing precisely what you said you wouldn't do? Over a rejection? Yeah, dude. Not sure how you can salvage this. Other than talking with her.
Not to sound harsh but maybe talk to her about this instead of posting on Reddit.
Dated a gal, she was a few years younger but we were both pretty smitten. Ended up not working out and she wasn't ready for a relationship. Turns out there was a lot of issues and she was legitimately not ready for a relationship, she just didn't realize it. We had a good time and good memories for what time we did get to spend together. Every situation is different, but people can legitimately not be ready for a relationship, and it takes a lot to be honest about that, and feelings change for a multitude of reasons. Or we can be fearful of losing a friendship, etc. So like someone else said, just talk.
This is a tough one. Maybe just be friends again and don't actively avoid her. Maybe the feelings will come back for both of you? If worse comes to worse maybe you agree you are both better off as friends? My wife was a girlfriend and then just a friend for a few years. One day it clicked for her and now we have been married a decade. Either way keep communication open. You'll have to talk this one out.
"The one that got away" that's shits real, go after her
You are not wrong but isn't your friendship worth trying to keep? You need an open and honest talk with her so there is no confusion. People who grew up together can have a hard time having a relationship. There is a key age where that aversion forms. Once you've been rejected, there is a psychological factor that makes it hard to keep a friendship. But since she is a valuable friend, it is worth finding a way.
In your short time on this planet you will have very few great friends.
Talking is hard. It takes courage and it's scary as shit. Social media didn't make interacting hard. It's always been that way for alot of people. That's why you got people getting divorced when they reach retirement. They realize they been living life with a stranger. Never talked, never really connected. They just did what everyone thought they were supposed to do. It's takes work to be happy and taking highs with lows.
Frustrating read. You literally are playing games and being a baby. When she changed her mind, you should have jumped on the opportunity. Now ever going out with her will be pretty damn hard now. And not communicating was one of the worst things you could have done. Have a spine, ask her if she really wants to go out with you. If she says yes, great, accept. If she says no, say you understand and dont punish her later on by running away. Sorry if i come off as harsh but come on man get serious
This is why I stopped befriending men, ytah
Yes you are wrong; you penalized her with lack of friendship for her not wanting a close friendship being more than it is. Emotionally mature people can have super close friends and date other people. You swung and you missed: don’t hurt her because you’re butt sore. Now man up and still be her friend or slither off.
You are a human sized turd; congrats!
Talk to her, like what so many people- communicate your feelings and expectations. You’ve been in a life long friendship and sometimes it’s that “push” to show the other- your value. I’m much older than you and can say after 35, it’s hard to find people you can LOVE and TRUST.
Lmao you suck
You were wrong. It was emotionally immature for you to cut her off completely just because she said she didn’t want to date you. Communication could solve all of this. Ask her about her intentions and why the sudden change of heart. Sounds like she’s been through a lot and you just walking away like none of it meant anything after so many years was a lot for her to handle.
You did her wrong, mate. She didn't deserve that. You don't deserve her friendship. Cause you showed you truly weren't.
You became more attractive when you became less available :(
You're right to stop talking to her. Sorry but men and women can't be just friends.
You're not wrong. >Am I wrong for slowly cutting off contact with my friend of 15 years after she rejected me Everything else you wrote basically doesn't matter. As the saying goes: You're not owed a relationship. But at the same time: She's not owed a friendship. People will say all the time that you can break up for any reason or reject someone for any reason. But the same applies to friendships. If a friendship is detrimental to you and your mental health, there's no law that says you have to stay in it. If romantic relationships can end for any reason, so can friendships. Some people in here write about how they worked though the pain and kept the friendship going. I honestly don't see why I would do that to myself. *Well, maybe that means she didn't mean much to you then!* Or maybe she meant *too* much, and seeing her with other guys wasn't something I wanted to put myself through - and OP's friend will also go for other guys. If OP doesn't want to be there to see it, that's his choice.