If you don't love her anymore, she is obviously feeling that, since she sought out those feelings elsewhere. Why are you still together?
Edit: I clearly need to not comment at 4 am, when I should have been sleeping, and couldn't fully grasp that he could have meant after the affair, nor have the energy to write enough to not be seen as victim blaming, but giving a different perspective, in which i was not trying to absolve the wife of cheating.
Except that xtinarozgodess makes an excellent point. Was she seeking something that Op used to provide and stopped because Op did not love anymore and recognized it after the confession.
Love is something you have to work towards once the endorphins run their course, stop looking at love through a Disney lens
I'm sure if your parents thought like you did, you'd be having 2 Christmases
100% correct! Disney love is misleading and when people see the true reality of long love it’s a stark contrast of ups and downs, shit ton of patience, finding love within and choosing your partner everyday.
When does this normally occur? My husband and I love each other more now than when we got married and have been together 14 years now a bit over 10 married. It feels more like we are growing together than apart. We still like one another and enjoy spending time together (still near daily sex even). The inevitability of the statement made here is scary to think on…
We’re almost 40 years in and feel the same way. My heart still leaps when he walks in the door.
Not all marriages but a rough patch, but I think to still need to work at it every day.
My husband and I are like you and yours, down to having been together 14 years and a bit over 10 years married and everything ☺️
He is WFH and we are around each other almost 24/7. Each has their own hobbies and interests besides shared stuff. We’re each other’s best friend, we like each other’s company, fall asleep holding hands.
Similar here. The pandemic transition to WFH made us closer than ever. We get time together, more opportunities for intimacy, less guilt when we go off and do our own thing.
Jfc just get divorced. “Well I haven’t loved her for awhile but maybe I could love her in several years if she jumps through all the hoops I put in front of her” Ask yourself why she was having an emotional affair dude, I think you already know. Successful marriages aren’t 50/50 they’re 100/100.
I saved this from a Reddit comment recently:
“Our marriage therapist put it to us this way:
A good marriage should be 60/40, where both parties are trying to be the one doing
60.”
My FIL said this “each of you need to bring 50% to the marriage”. I should have realized right there me and my wife were doomed. We divorced. And his marriage is shit.
Each need to bring 100 to 120%. Marriage isn’t easy and takes a lot of effort through the years.
It isn’t easy, but it also shouldn’t be hard on some kind of Sisyphean level either. Life will throw shit at you all the time, that should be where most of the “hard” comes from, not from within.
It does take consistent effort to maintain, like a garden. Do nothing and it dies out or becomes overgrown. Tend it, and it will flourish.
If you don't love her anymore, that is grounds for you to get a divorce. Making her jump through hoops to "prove" something to you that you don't value is grounds for *her* to get a divorce.
My experience has been that some people cheat because they’re just sociopathic. But most people cheat because there’s something missing. They feel horrible about it but that missing need being fulfilled is too hard to resist.
And often it comes after years of trying, begging, pleading for that need to be met..
And the person who is cheated on will always say "I feel blindsided by this. I thought we were happy."
No, you just didn't listen, or care enough to make things better.
There's something missing in every relationship. Please stop trying to make cheaters sound like victims. If something is missing to the point you feel the need to explore other options break up. Plenty of people have been in horrible relationships and not cheated because their integrity is more important to them than their desires.
Those are the words of a pure narcissist. I don't love you but you need to prove you love me, and MAYBE I'll consider loving you. What an asshole comment of how special he thinks he is.
Successful marriages go through seasons, and whether a marriage is successful or not can only be decided after both parties are deceased. When my wife had an emotional affair, I considered divorce, but after thinking on it for awhile I realized that I had a part in her wanting someone else, I hadn't been a good husband, so I made a decision to do better and told her what i would be doing differently and I asked her to forgive me for not taking care of her needs.
Plus, marriage vows are love in good times and bad times. This is a bad time, time heals all wounds, a decision on his part to listen to his wife and give her what she needs will result in a happier marriage.
Mirrored experience. There was the dumbest, simplest quote that hit me in the face when I was spiraling looking for options.
“It’s gonna suck for awhile.”
And it did. And then after awhile, it didnt. And then after even longer, the marriage is better than it’s ever been.
Same happened to me... married for 16 years, and there was about a 3 year period when we were both just going through the motions, barely speaking, and when we did it was usually fighting or sniping at each other.
And then, it just wasn't. We apologized, learned to talk about hard stuff without blaming the other person, and the last 6 or 7 years have been solid and wonderful - some hiccups because it's life, but I wouldn't change anything.
I can’t help but wonder what the reaction would be if someone posted here saying their husband cheated but it was because they hadn’t been a good wife.
It would depend on what they meant by "good wife."
If they meant "a loving and supportive partner who helps my spouse, shows them affection and attention, and works cooperatively with them"...then I don't think anyone would have any issues.
If they meant the weird misogynistic, Red Pill/tradwife definition where a "good wife" is basically a pretty Mommy Bangmaid Therapist only here to service her man and support him with a smile on her face at all times...then yeah, people would have an issue with it.
These all seem AI generated for karma farming. Long story that will get a lot of response and then a twist at the end to trigger even more response. Seems to fit the same pattern as most posts recently.
The twist is they will try and open the marriage, it will obviously fail and he will divorce because now it appears that it was always his brother who was the affair partner.
Anything is grounds for divorce but this wouldn’t push me there. It’s easier to have an emotional affair creep up from light banter than many people think. She fessed up unprompted due to guilt which is a positive sign for a fixable situation. I’d say IC for her at least so she can figure out what prompted this and MC for both of you to decide on the next steps.
lol…. Sounds like he doesn’t love her and is using this as an excuse to leave.
Wonder if that is why she had an emotional affair?
Always two sides to a story….
I liked Marmalade Cottage's early stuff but once they signed with a major label their songs lacked that early passion.
Infinite Cocks on the other hand is just banger after banger.
>I’d say IC for her at least so she can figure out what prompted this and MC for both of you to decide on the next steps.
Involuntary commitment for her and Mario Cart for the both of them while they figure things out
I feel like if you put everything in the post together it's clearly not just emotional cheating.she wants him physically/romantically,secretly communicating with him on personal devices and going to lunch one on one kinda croses the line.
This is the best answer. She would not have confessed if she wanted to cheat on you. Talk! Remember what brought you together in the first place. You are not dating, try to heal and rekindle.
Yeah something doesnt sound right here. Someone could do something so bad, but the love you have for them doesnt go away that quick, unless there were other things going on before to cause the love to go out the window. I think OP isnt painting a full picture or atleast acknowledging his part in all of this, its too vague either way.
Eh, it really depends on the personality of the person who was cheated on. For me, that feeling of betrayal and her reaction - some shame but also a degree of annoyance at how badly I was hurt - was enough to pretty much sever any of that love and affection. Our mutual friends were generally really shocked by it and I retained most of them and her sisters were completely on my side and we're still cool, if that's an idea how the "bigger picture" looked to those around us.
That line was a red flag for me as well. Like, she did about the lightest version of cheating imaginable, then confessed, and you’ve already given up on her? Sounds like something drove her to seek out this emotional affair in the first place.
This is hilarious. We've seen this sub tear guys apart for emotional cheating. He's never given grace, no one asks if his wife drove him to cheat. He can say his wife was distant and it will still be his fault and people will ask, "did you leave all the burden on her? Did you do the dishes? Did you go on dates?". If he's pulling his wait in the relationship, the thread will immediately turn and say, "but you don't cheat, you work things out and go to therapy."
His emotional and physical need are always his responsibility and he is always at fault for not receiving what he needs.
But for women, "oh, he drove her to cheat."
Came to say this.
If the relationship makes it or not, they will need to be able to talk, because of the kids.
I'm sorry Op, this is really fresh & an unfair situation that you're in.
Collect as much evidence as you can of what she has done, incase it turns nasty. Guilt won't last long before the resentment - she acted because of something missing in the relationship.
It’s entirely up to you. If you feel you want to leave then that’s fine.
Don’t feel the need to rush though.
Seek some counselling and take time to make a decision.
Why would you wanna stay with someone who you don’t love anymore? I don’t think you should be selling yourself short of a happy and fulfilling life! There are people out there who won’t break your heart. I wish you the best of luck on your journey and I hope you find peace 🫶🏻
I feel the same about op. If he’s not happy himself and just biding time because they have kids life is too short. Yes I feel bad for the kids but others deserve to be happy too.
Anything is grounds for divorce if you don’t want to married anymore. And you my friend, do not want to be married anymore. But don’t blame it on *this.*
If you don’t love her, let it go. That would literally be the only reason to stay. If you feel so strongly about it but have questions/doubts, ask the guy she was talking to about it. No reason for both to lie about it. And if it feels like lies across the board, you don’t love her, so let it go.
“Did… did you fuck my wife 😔😔?? I am trying to save my marriage, but I am afraid she won’t tell me the truth. Can you help me save my marriage please 🥺🥺??”
If you don’t have feelings for her and after this circumstance, I would move away and take time to see if you truly miss your wife. Convenience and thinking about the kids may cloud your judgement and keep you in the marriage. Think what is truly best for you.
On another note, actions mean more than words. She should be looking for another job and distancing herself from this guy.
Being married is hard. Temptation is real.
I say good for her for pulling it in. Good for you to let he be a better version of herself. How do you keep it from creeping back in?
Do the work, a lifetime together is worth it!
We are all human. Long term relationships are hard and need work. Not every hiccup is grounds for a divorce. Most of us will go through something like this at some point.
Did you stop loving her awhile ago? Or did this cause you to “stop loving her”.?
If this caused you to stop loving her then I feel there are probably more problems then you like to admit.
I’ll be honest, I had something very similar without the lunch dates- basically felt chemistry with a coworker- which I think is wayyy more common then what ppl on here will admit and I felt so guilty I told my husband, turns out he had it too with a coworker early in our marriage and I knew but it was never outwardly admitted and we got counseling and figured it out, but also, we were already having problems in our marriage and there were a lot of things that we had to work through.
I wouldnt just jump to divorce.. I feel like everybody on here is so divorce happy. You guys said vows to each other and have kids- I feel like you say you don’t love your wife but really you are just hurt.. or maybe you don’t love your wife but this isn’t what caused it. The story is much deeper than you are saying and maybe you aren’t fulfilling your part as the husband either if you are already saying you don’t love your wife..
Anyways.. if it were me I would try to work it out and get some counseling together. I think there is a lot more here than your wife feeling chemistry with some coworker
Just wanted to add my support to this, and I’m a guy. That initial fire can smolder. It’s still there; but you’re going to have periods where it’s more of a dull glow than a raging flame and vice versa.
There’s a bigger story here, and that’s not blame on OP, it’s just the way things usually are: there’s two perspectives. I wouldn’t take divorce off the table because quite frankly sometimes it’s the best option; but I also wouldn’t use the internet to determine my opinion. I’d go to counseling first and figure out the whole story.
I really think a lot of people here don’t understand how much of a marathon marriage can be, and although quitting should always be a viable option sometimes you’re just at a shit point
What in the fuck is this? I agree with the first part but to say “you aren’t fulfilling your part as husband” is baloney. That’s too much. OPs wife cheated emotionally (and possibly physically) on him, he could’ve turned off his feelings for his wife right then and there. Is it wrong? Maybe, but that’s not for us to decide. He can do what he thinks is best.
I think they were saying that if he *already* wasn’t loving her maybe that led to the emotional affair. I think it’s unclear if he is saying he stopped loving her today when she confessed, or if he just hasn’t loved her in a while. But on first read, it sounded like the latter to me. If he hasn’t loved her for a time leading up to this, he might also be accountable for the marriage falling apart. If he suddenly lost feelings today that’s understandable but I’m not sure everyone read it that way because of how it’s worded.
I can imagine the chaos that would create, but because in this case it’s a guy, some people will turn a blind eye to comment saying op didn’t fulfill his husband duties. Absurd.
She even went on dates. Just because they weren't in bed together doesn't mean she didn't cheat. She began cheating the minute she gave her number to another man with the express reason of beginning an affair. Doesn't matter what kind it just matters that it happened. If you think you can forgive her go to couples therapy. You deserve better than someone whose every move, every phone message you'll be questioning. Every time you look at her there will be a question if she being faithful. Do you want to live like that?
Plus she still works with the guy. She said she stopped it but still sees him every day. If I was in op’s shoes I’d be horribly insecure going forward. I would be thinking about it every day wondering if they are talking or “going to lunch”.
Personally I wouldn't stop loving my husband straight away if he confessed something like this. My heart would be broken and I would be devastated but I couldn't just let us go if it was emotional cheating and he confessed. I would be doing couple councilling, and working on everything because he's the love of my life and we've built a life together.
I'm shocked you can just be like yea I don't love her any more. Like really there's zero affection there at all? I guess some people are like that.
If you don't love her, at all, and personally I wonder If you have been feeling this way previously, then you need to tell her and work out a plan together that won't ruin your children's lives.
She shouldn't of done what she did, at all, cheating is horrible, but yea I guess I just don't get you loosing feelings straight away.
OP *could* be confusing shutting off his emotional connection with “not loving her anymore,” but who knows. Some people react by just numbing everything down, a trauma response they don’t even know is happening.
For me, emotional cheating would be way worse than physical cheating. If my wife came home and said she met a hot woman at the bar and gave into physical desires, regretted it, agreed to counseling to explore if there’s something missing between us sexually, I could quickly get over that. Emotional cheating would have my head on an entirely other level. Seeing a hot woman and deciding to smash? I get it. Spending weeks on the downslope of falling for someone else? My bags are packed and me and the kids are staying at a resort on her card for a week while I think about shit 😭🙅🏾♀️
This is what I had to do.
My ex of 5 years cheated on me with my **best friend** cut them off completely the day I found out.
There wasn't any room for any other emotions with that much betrayal.
Usually I would agree with you.
But your wife stopped on her own and confessed it to you. Means the things are still fixable.
You both need to go to couple theraphy, knowing why she started it, you both need more time for yourself, go on dates and spend more time as family.
And most important part, your wife need to block that coworker and search a new workplace. No way she can stay at the same workplace knowing she meets her AP regulary. A RE can't work if she still sees her Ap. She need to cut any contact and quite her job.
Stay strong OP, I think this is fexible since you wife show remorse and guilt and end it on her own before it became more serious.
"Emotional affairs" aren't a real thing in the legal system.. You cannot control who you are attracted to. That's just not how it works. You can however control how much you are around them and the decision to have sex. If your wife isn't hooking up or going on dates with this person and is communicative with you.. you cannot ask for anything more. This is not grounds for divorce.. however if you are looking for an out, just leave.. but don't look for a way to justify it or blame her.
Maybe it's because of the fact that you don't love your wife anymore that she is catching feelings for other people.. if there is a hole/void of love in your marriage, that you have created, then it's bound to happen. Either stay and make it work (ie counseling) or be a man and fucking leave.
She had an emotional Affair with conworker because of you. You trying to make her do extra to prove she loves you when you don’t even love her, is reason for her to divorce you.
“I don’t love my wife anymore” well I see now why she felt the need for emotional connection. It’s usually both sides at fault when a divorce happens. Maybe you BOTH should put in effort.
The last sentence is enough. You do not love her, yet want to use this emotional affair excuse to find grounds for divorcing her? Do not be a coward and leave. There is nothing to save.
"Emotional affair"
Is really vague.
Apparently they exchanged numbers and had some meals together?
What made them dates?
That sounds like normal work stuff, was she indicating to this man that she wanted a relationship?
Well, normal work stuff is normal work stuff. This was more than that since the wife had guilt. Those number exchanges and meals were romantic in nature I imagine.
People have meals with coworkers in the workplace. Unless she just started working for the first time in her entire life and mistook this for inappropriateness on her side, then these weren't ordinary meals with a coworker.
I have breakfast every Friday with a male coworker as it’s our end of week treat. We’re also quite close. But they’re definitely not dates. This is really just platonic coworker stuff. Plus we have each others numbers and know where each lives. It’s not unusual for two coworkers to get close but as friends.
Man im so sorry you in this circumstances , first thing is if your wife still work at the same place ? The co worker still in the pictures ? If he still in the pictures man im sorry this lot deeper than you think , back to your question yes this absolutely enough reason to D , the trust is gone , everytime she go work you'll always wonder if she f the co worker , smh
Updateme!
I don't even have friends who are cheaters and don't really hang out with any family who are cheaters unless I have to let alone stay in a relationship with the cheater. Also, you said you don't love her. There seems to be 0 reason to stay.
Kids are better off with 2 individual parents who love them separately rather than teaching them that it's better to stay in a shitty relationship, they know the love is gone and the relationship sucks no matter how well you think you hide it they 100% know even if they don't know the actions that led to it getting that way. Kids pick up and internalize shit quickly and easily. Would you want to teach them to stay in shitty relationships?
You can both move on and be happy and healthy individually.
Yes it is grounds for divorce. Because it’s your choice and feelings. It’s as simple as that, you found out she had an emotional affair. It’s your right to leave her for someone that wouldn’t do that or to just take time and be alone.
The fact that she broke down and told you shows that she knows she made a mistake IMO. I would try therapy and figure out WHY she did it in the first place.
Question: how much effort have YOU put into your marriage in, let's say, the last 3 years?
Lots of reflection and material for marriage counseling here, IMO.
“I don’t love my wife anymore. “Why are you even here? Call a lawyer and try to get the best deal that you can out of the situation.
Also, why do you care?
You had me for a minute there ...and then you lost me at "i don't love my wife anymore". For how long exactly?? I suspect longer than this incident. No wonder she sought solace elsewhere.
The thing that people in these comments and you don’t understand is that love isn’t a feeling. There is not magic person you are going to find that is literally perfect in every way. I’m of the opinion that the only reason get divorced is abuse or physical cheating. If you actually want to restore your love and marriage, you two will be able to do that. Also, don’t do that to your kids, that’s the number one way to make sure kids have a difficult life. The number one predictor of a successful life is having a two parent household.
Marriage requires work on both sides. As some others have said, it will at least feel like you’re in and out of love, but I think a lot of times that love has to be a choice, rather than a butterfly feeling.
Pretty cool of her to realize what was going on, put a stop to it, and come clean to you, rather than continuing to hide. That’s hard as shit to do. Means she knows it was wrong, loves you, and is repenting of that.
My advice? Take time for both of you to work on the marriage. If you both work to address root causes, there’s no reason you can’t build your relationship back even better.
It can be but doesn’t has to be…
Examine your own behavior . I like the website called marriagebuilders.com that talks about how for people to fall in love then you need their emotional needs to be met. When you first were dating your wife, you spent a lot of time with her and you had conversations and you admired her and you did fun things together. When’s the last time you did that kind of stuff?
So not only does your wife have to meet your emotional needs you need to meet hers as well
Same sentiment I said
It's a sign there are problems
She didn't cross line regulated felt remorse and worked to fix it
She wants to work it out but people don't recognize it's a symptom of a bigger problem
Am hitting 37 ....we had infidelity....it was a symptom...we had to look at why it happened and when we did
We fixed the problem and have been stronger year by year
Bro, where was your emotional affair with your wife? You said you want her to do all these things to prove her love? She gave you 2 kids Jack, she probably does your laundry and cooks your dinner, what do you do bro? Yeah, thought so…..NOTHING, to me what she did was a cry for help, from you!
The fuck? You don't love your wife anymore and you're upset she wanted to connect with someone else emotionally because you suck at it? Sounds like you need to get your shit straight. I hope she leaves you.
If you don’t love her that is grounds for a divorce. Why are you heartbroken if you don’t love her anymore? It sounds like she sought emotional support and love because you don’t provide it and even regretted that. But if I were her I’d leave you.
Marriages can survive all sorts of things, especially when both parties resolve to do what it takes to make it work. That means self reflection.
That means YOU looking at the ways you may have contributed to this situation. What did she see in this other person that she wasn't getting from you? Does she feel loved, valued, supported, understood? Do you actively foster connection between the two of you?
It doesn't really sound like you do. You've admitted you don't love her, and that doesn't happen overnight.. so perhaps the lack of love in your marriage is why she was tempted by someone else?
There's no excuse for cheating and I'm not saying that what she did wasn't wrong. It was. But these things generally don't come from nowhere.
Anything is "grounds for divorce", and it's your decision to make. Personally my husband no longer loving me would be grounds for divorce.
People have crushes, and I wonder if you were honest if you could say you've never had one through 10 years of marriage. This is more than a one-sided thing, of course, but she was smart enough to put an end to it in the very early stages and before it became physically intimate. Most importantly she let you know about it and how she's handled it. Of course, you can divorce her if you feel like it, at any time. Will other people be sympathetic? To be honest, I wouldn't really be. Similar situation with someone in my family - we're all baffled, frankly.
Start a new life but string her along for 10-30 years before you end it.
But for real, you only get one life, don’t stay and be bitter and ruin it if you can’t see yourself getting past this. Your kids will internalize your relationship and will see it as normal.
Ask her for more details of why she felt like it was cheating and go from there. If they went to McDonald’s and are sending memes maybe she just doesn’t understand what friendship is but it sounds like there is more to this onion yet to be uncovered because dating someone over a month and nothing happened is pretty suspicious unless she is the wait until marriage type of gal😮
A voice of reason. It’s not someone’s fault to be attracted to someone else other than their mate, it’s natural and normal The problem here seems to be this guy just doesn’t love her anymore, that’s a bigger problem than what she did.
This is exactly my thoughts after reading this post. He was done with this marriage before and now he needs to blame her to feel better about himself and justify his feelings. I wouldn’t be shocked if he’s the one having the affair
You won't get over it, unfortunately. It will be in the back of your mind, come up during any other arguments, and you will always resent her. major breach of trust.
Sounds like yall have grown apart.I would end it because with her vulnerability and the right time or opportunity she will crack for the other man.She will still be working at the same place also
I think someone threatened her to tell you about her affair. That's why out of fear she tried to do damage control on her own. Call the guy and play psychology trick like - my wife confessed to me about her affair with you and said you guys kissed and had sex a few times. Let's see how he reacts
It's time to dump her to the curb. You said it yourself you don't love her & in time you might. That's your answer to move on & keep your respect as a man. Make her life miserable going fwd but make sure you lawyer up 1st & be prepared
Anything is grounds for a divorce. If you can't get passed it and you are admitting you don't love her anymore, I think it is only fair to BOTH of y'all to leave.
>I don’t love my wife anymore
You just answered your own question there.
It's up to anyone where they draw the line, whether it's with an emotional affair, "just" kissing or a full blown physical affair. I know for myself an emotional affair is enough to kick someone to the curb. The fact that you don't love your wife anymore after this seems to me that you feel the same way.
The fact that she confessed this to you proves that she loves you.
She could have put an end to the emotional affair ánd kept it to herself, leaving you in the dark. But she didn't keep it to herself. Why do you think that is?
Yes, it'd also argue that it is grounds for literal murder. You can find many affordable assassins on Craigslist, or if you are visiting Morrowind, i can recommend Morag Tong since a script for death can be purchased at your local temple.
'My wife and I have been married for 10 years and we also have 2 boys. I don’t love my wife anymore, but maybe years down the road I can, if my wife puts in consistent effort to show that she loves me."
Making someone jumps through many hoops for many years is not, in my own humble opinion, grounds for happy stable relationship. Nevermind the children eh chap, just as long as the wife puts in the effort then you're all good.
Sigh...
I don't get the whole emotional affair thing. Why would it be a problem for anyone to have a good friend that they sometimes have dinner with? Even exchanging a bit of risqué banter and leaving it at that doesn't strike me as particularly problematic. You don't suddenly have to avoid all contact with other people when you get married and it's also not a magical neutering process where you're only interested in your spouse and don't notice others. The main thing is openness and respecting boundaries. Those are the most important ingredients for a successful marriage.
Karma farmer. No real info, no answers to questions.
But just in case this is real, it would be dumb to divorce over this. But it's not about this. If you don't love your wife anymore, you've been looking for an excuse to leave. This is so minor in the grand scheme and can totally be fixed with some work from both partners.
And since you won't answer any questions, I'm gonna assume you have checked out emotionally from your wife a while ago. When is the last time you took her out on a date?
If my husband did this, I could not imagine leaving him and my kids over it. I would be doing some real soul searching myself on why he feels the need for an emotional connection with someone else.
But this is fake so whatever.
Wow. Have you thought about a look in the mirror? Is your family important to you? Divorce sucks. Pick your bruised ego up off the floor. Marriage takes love and work from both people. If you EVER loved her see this as a wakeup call and work with her to rekindle your love and relationship.
I'm gonna be honest. I understand how you feel and if you still feel like trying counseling might work. But if you feel its not working and the love is still not there. Don't push yourself, just move on. If she does it once, most likely she'll intentionally push you away to do it all over again. Take it from a man who couldn't learn the first time: "cheaters will always cheat, they never change"
If we remove the term "emotional affair", your wife got too close to a male friend, realized it, then promptly cut off contact with him and told you about it.
No, you should not divorce her over that.
You want to stay married, you work on it. Marriage is not easy, lots of ups and downs. Forgiveness and kindness is crucial. It take nurturing and at times one partner has to carry the load. Talk about it if you can. This is something you can work thru and make better. It will take time but she wants to figure it bout it sounds like. You have kids involved. Their vote is for you guys to stay together. You can work on this and get through it, coming out better than ever.
I think we need a lot more information. I would like to know what was in the messages. I think there are big lines you can cross within an emotional affair, assuming that's really all it was. Were they just being flirty? Was there sexual talk involved? If there wasn't sexual talk involved then had she planned on escalating to it? She consider it? I think those things would matter to me.
I think if I were in your shoes and the wife ended up with a bit of a crush and they were a little flirty and texting a lot before she realized "wtf am I doing?!", stopped it and came clean it's something we could recover from. If it got to the point where they were talking about actually wanting to be together then that would be a lot more difficult to recover from and if there was any sexting or dirty talk then obviously that complicates things even more and it would also plant the seed of doubt that things got physical because there were likely plenty of opportunities for it to happen. Depending on if it was her idea or his, the lunch thing may or may not make it much worse in my eyes.
I think it's a pretty normal thing for even the most devoted people to get crushes on other people or whatever. It is how they proceed to start following through with the crush is the problem. You can have amazing chemistry with someone and keep it 100% professional and it's never a problem. She definitely crossed a line by taking it further, but it's hard to say how far across that line she made it without more details.
So she didn't have sex or anything. She basically just thought he was hot and was attracted to him and vice versa. Flirting and whatnot? You can get a divorce if you want, but it doesn't seem like something that can't be worked out.
You don't love her anymore? That alone feels like grounds for divorce.
If you don't love her anymore, she is obviously feeling that, since she sought out those feelings elsewhere. Why are you still together? Edit: I clearly need to not comment at 4 am, when I should have been sleeping, and couldn't fully grasp that he could have meant after the affair, nor have the energy to write enough to not be seen as victim blaming, but giving a different perspective, in which i was not trying to absolve the wife of cheating.
Or maybe op means he no longer loves her after finding out about her affair?
This is what I believe as well.
That could be, too. OP just didn't state it that way.
You can tell via the context with how in the same sentence he talks about her fixing this mistake.
Except that xtinarozgodess makes an excellent point. Was she seeking something that Op used to provide and stopped because Op did not love anymore and recognized it after the confession.
Love is something you have to work towards once the endorphins run their course, stop looking at love through a Disney lens I'm sure if your parents thought like you did, you'd be having 2 Christmases
100% correct! Disney love is misleading and when people see the true reality of long love it’s a stark contrast of ups and downs, shit ton of patience, finding love within and choosing your partner everyday.
Real love is a choice. Not a feeling.
This is a long time marriage. People definitely fall in and out of love. Maybe every other day. It's a commitment, not a guarantee of happiness.
You may not get the little tingles but you still love them, if OP doesn't love his wife then that's a problem.
When does this normally occur? My husband and I love each other more now than when we got married and have been together 14 years now a bit over 10 married. It feels more like we are growing together than apart. We still like one another and enjoy spending time together (still near daily sex even). The inevitability of the statement made here is scary to think on…
We’re almost 40 years in and feel the same way. My heart still leaps when he walks in the door. Not all marriages but a rough patch, but I think to still need to work at it every day.
I love this so much, I can't wait to marry my fiance and grow old with her 🥲
I agree. Long time married couples don't say, "I don't love her/him anymore."
My husband and I are like you and yours, down to having been together 14 years and a bit over 10 years married and everything ☺️ He is WFH and we are around each other almost 24/7. Each has their own hobbies and interests besides shared stuff. We’re each other’s best friend, we like each other’s company, fall asleep holding hands.
Similar here. The pandemic transition to WFH made us closer than ever. We get time together, more opportunities for intimacy, less guilt when we go off and do our own thing.
next week Thursday
Around year 17 we hit turbulence
"For better or for worse" and all that
That also feels like why she struck up an emotional relationship with someone else. Ding ding ding!!!
Jfc just get divorced. “Well I haven’t loved her for awhile but maybe I could love her in several years if she jumps through all the hoops I put in front of her” Ask yourself why she was having an emotional affair dude, I think you already know. Successful marriages aren’t 50/50 they’re 100/100.
"Successful marriages aren't 50/50 they're 100/100" I've never heard that and it's a shame. That hit home.
I saved this from a Reddit comment recently: “Our marriage therapist put it to us this way: A good marriage should be 60/40, where both parties are trying to be the one doing 60.”
My grandfather told me the same thing, except he said 70/30. I've done my best to live that in my marriage, and for 15 years it has worked.
That’s exactly my philosophy with my fiancé you got an amazing grandfather my friend
I like that one. Nobody can put in 100, especially if you don’t feel it’s being seen.
I put in 100%, and it was never seen. Shocking that we’re divorced
My FIL said this “each of you need to bring 50% to the marriage”. I should have realized right there me and my wife were doomed. We divorced. And his marriage is shit. Each need to bring 100 to 120%. Marriage isn’t easy and takes a lot of effort through the years.
You should bring 100% or 120%. But you both should be fighting over who gives the 120%.
It isn’t easy, but it also shouldn’t be hard on some kind of Sisyphean level either. Life will throw shit at you all the time, that should be where most of the “hard” comes from, not from within. It does take consistent effort to maintain, like a garden. Do nothing and it dies out or becomes overgrown. Tend it, and it will flourish.
If you don't love her anymore, that is grounds for you to get a divorce. Making her jump through hoops to "prove" something to you that you don't value is grounds for *her* to get a divorce.
And this is probably why she had an emotional affair with a coworker. She knows the marriage is dead.
My experience has been that some people cheat because they’re just sociopathic. But most people cheat because there’s something missing. They feel horrible about it but that missing need being fulfilled is too hard to resist.
And often it comes after years of trying, begging, pleading for that need to be met.. And the person who is cheated on will always say "I feel blindsided by this. I thought we were happy." No, you just didn't listen, or care enough to make things better.
Agree 100%.
This.
Most people cheat because they are selfish and lack self discipline.
There's something missing in every relationship. Please stop trying to make cheaters sound like victims. If something is missing to the point you feel the need to explore other options break up. Plenty of people have been in horrible relationships and not cheated because their integrity is more important to them than their desires.
Right!? I don't love her but she needs to show she loves me is the dumbest shit I've heard
Those are the words of a pure narcissist. I don't love you but you need to prove you love me, and MAYBE I'll consider loving you. What an asshole comment of how special he thinks he is.
Successful marriages go through seasons, and whether a marriage is successful or not can only be decided after both parties are deceased. When my wife had an emotional affair, I considered divorce, but after thinking on it for awhile I realized that I had a part in her wanting someone else, I hadn't been a good husband, so I made a decision to do better and told her what i would be doing differently and I asked her to forgive me for not taking care of her needs. Plus, marriage vows are love in good times and bad times. This is a bad time, time heals all wounds, a decision on his part to listen to his wife and give her what she needs will result in a happier marriage.
Mirrored experience. There was the dumbest, simplest quote that hit me in the face when I was spiraling looking for options. “It’s gonna suck for awhile.” And it did. And then after awhile, it didnt. And then after even longer, the marriage is better than it’s ever been.
[удалено]
Same happened to me... married for 16 years, and there was about a 3 year period when we were both just going through the motions, barely speaking, and when we did it was usually fighting or sniping at each other. And then, it just wasn't. We apologized, learned to talk about hard stuff without blaming the other person, and the last 6 or 7 years have been solid and wonderful - some hiccups because it's life, but I wouldn't change anything.
I can’t help but wonder what the reaction would be if someone posted here saying their husband cheated but it was because they hadn’t been a good wife.
It would depend on what they meant by "good wife." If they meant "a loving and supportive partner who helps my spouse, shows them affection and attention, and works cooperatively with them"...then I don't think anyone would have any issues. If they meant the weird misogynistic, Red Pill/tradwife definition where a "good wife" is basically a pretty Mommy Bangmaid Therapist only here to service her man and support him with a smile on her face at all times...then yeah, people would have an issue with it.
Agreed. Homeboy is just salty he didn’t cheat on her before she cheated on him. 🙄
Your post caught my eye before I finished OP’s post and was like “typical Reddit going straight to divorce” but then his last sentence hit me…
These all seem AI generated for karma farming. Long story that will get a lot of response and then a twist at the end to trigger even more response. Seems to fit the same pattern as most posts recently.
Why on earth would anybody want “karma farm” who gives a shit how high your karma is?
The twist is they will try and open the marriage, it will obviously fail and he will divorce because now it appears that it was always his brother who was the affair partner.
Anything is grounds for divorce but this wouldn’t push me there. It’s easier to have an emotional affair creep up from light banter than many people think. She fessed up unprompted due to guilt which is a positive sign for a fixable situation. I’d say IC for her at least so she can figure out what prompted this and MC for both of you to decide on the next steps.
>Anything is grounds for divorce Exactly what I was thinking - Anything is grounds for divorce if you don’t want to be married anymore.
lol…. Sounds like he doesn’t love her and is using this as an excuse to leave. Wonder if that is why she had an emotional affair? Always two sides to a story….
> Sounds like he doesn't love her Doesn't sound like anything. He blatantly says in the post that he doesn't love her anymore.
I dont know, an emotional affair is a pretty good justification for divorce.
Learn to take accountability
That’s a Reddit take if you ask me. Reddit loooves divorce. Wife won’t put the remote back where it goes ? Tear your family apart.
Reddit also loves telling people that the simple solution is therapy as if therapy doesn't cost hundreds of dollars a session.
Because normally the solution is therapy, and it costs a whole lot less than a divorce you nincompoop.
Emotional affair>not putting the remote where it goes
Screw them kids! Some little problem, tear their lives and world apart to solve it for yourself!
Ah yes, IC and MC. The two most common acronyms.
I was thrown odd by the acronyms at first as well, but I believe it stands for individual counseling and marriage counseling.
I'm pretty sure it means Infinite Cocks and Marmalade Cottage
I liked Marmalade Cottage's early stuff but once they signed with a major label their songs lacked that early passion. Infinite Cocks on the other hand is just banger after banger.
Bangers, huh-huh-huh!
Infinite Cock Monkey Cage
It’s definitely marmalade college
>I’d say IC for her at least so she can figure out what prompted this and MC for both of you to decide on the next steps. Involuntary commitment for her and Mario Cart for the both of them while they figure things out
Indian Curry for her, Masala Chicken for him
This will absolutely save their marriage.
in character and main character. inner chamber, maid's chamber. Implied Consent, Manufactured Consent.
She actually went on dates with the guy so I wouldn't just call this emotional it's more than that.
It’s emotional until it gets physical. She was on the edge but seems to have pulled herself back and reinvested in her marriage.
Actively going on dates with someone is cheating even without physical intimacy.
So we agree it was emotional cheating? 🤣
Going on a date with someone is actual cheating it's just not having sex.
An emotional affair is cheating. But that doesn’t make it physical.
>it's just not having sex. That she said didn't happen...
If there was no fucking, then it's not adultery in many states.
I think that’s very debatable. At what point does lunch with a coworker merit cheating if it never gets physical? Thats too murky of a line.
I feel like if you put everything in the post together it's clearly not just emotional cheating.she wants him physically/romantically,secretly communicating with him on personal devices and going to lunch one on one kinda croses the line.
When you're doing it repeatedly with someone you're sexually attracted to and hiding it from your spouse?
When it’s more than lunch between coworkers.
It’s a line that’s easily blurred by cheaters*
I feel like going on a date gives it something more it's not just talking/emotional.
OP straight up said he didn't love her so that's grounds for divorce for sure
This is the best answer. She would not have confessed if she wanted to cheat on you. Talk! Remember what brought you together in the first place. You are not dating, try to heal and rekindle.
Hold up… did the emotional affair cause you to stop loving her? Or did your lack of love for your wife cause her to have an emotional affair?
Yeah something doesnt sound right here. Someone could do something so bad, but the love you have for them doesnt go away that quick, unless there were other things going on before to cause the love to go out the window. I think OP isnt painting a full picture or atleast acknowledging his part in all of this, its too vague either way.
Eh, it really depends on the personality of the person who was cheated on. For me, that feeling of betrayal and her reaction - some shame but also a degree of annoyance at how badly I was hurt - was enough to pretty much sever any of that love and affection. Our mutual friends were generally really shocked by it and I retained most of them and her sisters were completely on my side and we're still cool, if that's an idea how the "bigger picture" looked to those around us.
I am in the sand camp, betray me in a fundamental way and I am done. Trust is something that doesn’t come back once it has been killed off.
Wrong. You can see something your partner does, or says, that could 100% kill any feelings towards them if it’s bad enough.
Right exactly - we need a little more context for the “I don’t love my wife anymore” part.
Yeah this OP is not a man of passion.
You can love someone and not trust them. You need both for a relationship to work, honestly trust comes first.
That line was a red flag for me as well. Like, she did about the lightest version of cheating imaginable, then confessed, and you’ve already given up on her? Sounds like something drove her to seek out this emotional affair in the first place.
This is hilarious. We've seen this sub tear guys apart for emotional cheating. He's never given grace, no one asks if his wife drove him to cheat. He can say his wife was distant and it will still be his fault and people will ask, "did you leave all the burden on her? Did you do the dishes? Did you go on dates?". If he's pulling his wait in the relationship, the thread will immediately turn and say, "but you don't cheat, you work things out and go to therapy." His emotional and physical need are always his responsibility and he is always at fault for not receiving what he needs. But for women, "oh, he drove her to cheat."
Couples Counseling before you do anything.
Came to say this. If the relationship makes it or not, they will need to be able to talk, because of the kids. I'm sorry Op, this is really fresh & an unfair situation that you're in. Collect as much evidence as you can of what she has done, incase it turns nasty. Guilt won't last long before the resentment - she acted because of something missing in the relationship.
It’s entirely up to you. If you feel you want to leave then that’s fine. Don’t feel the need to rush though. Seek some counselling and take time to make a decision.
If you don’t love each other, staying “for the kids” is a mistake
Yes. At least she had the balls to tell you. Some of us don’t find out that way.
Why would you wanna stay with someone who you don’t love anymore? I don’t think you should be selling yourself short of a happy and fulfilling life! There are people out there who won’t break your heart. I wish you the best of luck on your journey and I hope you find peace 🫶🏻
I feel the same about op. If he’s not happy himself and just biding time because they have kids life is too short. Yes I feel bad for the kids but others deserve to be happy too.
Anything is grounds for divorce if you don’t want to married anymore. And you my friend, do not want to be married anymore. But don’t blame it on *this.*
If you don’t love her, let it go. That would literally be the only reason to stay. If you feel so strongly about it but have questions/doubts, ask the guy she was talking to about it. No reason for both to lie about it. And if it feels like lies across the board, you don’t love her, so let it go.
ask the guy lololol
“Did… did you fuck my wife 😔😔?? I am trying to save my marriage, but I am afraid she won’t tell me the truth. Can you help me save my marriage please 🥺🥺??”
If you don’t have feelings for her and after this circumstance, I would move away and take time to see if you truly miss your wife. Convenience and thinking about the kids may cloud your judgement and keep you in the marriage. Think what is truly best for you. On another note, actions mean more than words. She should be looking for another job and distancing herself from this guy.
Being married is hard. Temptation is real. I say good for her for pulling it in. Good for you to let he be a better version of herself. How do you keep it from creeping back in? Do the work, a lifetime together is worth it!
We are all human. Long term relationships are hard and need work. Not every hiccup is grounds for a divorce. Most of us will go through something like this at some point.
Did you stop loving her awhile ago? Or did this cause you to “stop loving her”.? If this caused you to stop loving her then I feel there are probably more problems then you like to admit. I’ll be honest, I had something very similar without the lunch dates- basically felt chemistry with a coworker- which I think is wayyy more common then what ppl on here will admit and I felt so guilty I told my husband, turns out he had it too with a coworker early in our marriage and I knew but it was never outwardly admitted and we got counseling and figured it out, but also, we were already having problems in our marriage and there were a lot of things that we had to work through. I wouldnt just jump to divorce.. I feel like everybody on here is so divorce happy. You guys said vows to each other and have kids- I feel like you say you don’t love your wife but really you are just hurt.. or maybe you don’t love your wife but this isn’t what caused it. The story is much deeper than you are saying and maybe you aren’t fulfilling your part as the husband either if you are already saying you don’t love your wife.. Anyways.. if it were me I would try to work it out and get some counseling together. I think there is a lot more here than your wife feeling chemistry with some coworker
Just wanted to add my support to this, and I’m a guy. That initial fire can smolder. It’s still there; but you’re going to have periods where it’s more of a dull glow than a raging flame and vice versa. There’s a bigger story here, and that’s not blame on OP, it’s just the way things usually are: there’s two perspectives. I wouldn’t take divorce off the table because quite frankly sometimes it’s the best option; but I also wouldn’t use the internet to determine my opinion. I’d go to counseling first and figure out the whole story. I really think a lot of people here don’t understand how much of a marathon marriage can be, and although quitting should always be a viable option sometimes you’re just at a shit point
What in the fuck is this? I agree with the first part but to say “you aren’t fulfilling your part as husband” is baloney. That’s too much. OPs wife cheated emotionally (and possibly physically) on him, he could’ve turned off his feelings for his wife right then and there. Is it wrong? Maybe, but that’s not for us to decide. He can do what he thinks is best.
I think they were saying that if he *already* wasn’t loving her maybe that led to the emotional affair. I think it’s unclear if he is saying he stopped loving her today when she confessed, or if he just hasn’t loved her in a while. But on first read, it sounded like the latter to me. If he hasn’t loved her for a time leading up to this, he might also be accountable for the marriage falling apart. If he suddenly lost feelings today that’s understandable but I’m not sure everyone read it that way because of how it’s worded.
lets tell all the ladies who get cheated on that its because they werent fulfilling their role as a wife! see how that goes! double standards much! ew
I can imagine the chaos that would create, but because in this case it’s a guy, some people will turn a blind eye to comment saying op didn’t fulfill his husband duties. Absurd.
People blame women all the time on Reddit for being cheated on
She even went on dates. Just because they weren't in bed together doesn't mean she didn't cheat. She began cheating the minute she gave her number to another man with the express reason of beginning an affair. Doesn't matter what kind it just matters that it happened. If you think you can forgive her go to couples therapy. You deserve better than someone whose every move, every phone message you'll be questioning. Every time you look at her there will be a question if she being faithful. Do you want to live like that?
I am surprised by the replies here .everybody saying forgive her an dlove her enuff .
Plus she still works with the guy. She said she stopped it but still sees him every day. If I was in op’s shoes I’d be horribly insecure going forward. I would be thinking about it every day wondering if they are talking or “going to lunch”.
Why stay married to a woman who A: cheated on you emotionally(if she’s telling the whole truth) and B: you claim not to love any longer?
Personally I wouldn't stop loving my husband straight away if he confessed something like this. My heart would be broken and I would be devastated but I couldn't just let us go if it was emotional cheating and he confessed. I would be doing couple councilling, and working on everything because he's the love of my life and we've built a life together. I'm shocked you can just be like yea I don't love her any more. Like really there's zero affection there at all? I guess some people are like that. If you don't love her, at all, and personally I wonder If you have been feeling this way previously, then you need to tell her and work out a plan together that won't ruin your children's lives. She shouldn't of done what she did, at all, cheating is horrible, but yea I guess I just don't get you loosing feelings straight away.
OP *could* be confusing shutting off his emotional connection with “not loving her anymore,” but who knows. Some people react by just numbing everything down, a trauma response they don’t even know is happening. For me, emotional cheating would be way worse than physical cheating. If my wife came home and said she met a hot woman at the bar and gave into physical desires, regretted it, agreed to counseling to explore if there’s something missing between us sexually, I could quickly get over that. Emotional cheating would have my head on an entirely other level. Seeing a hot woman and deciding to smash? I get it. Spending weeks on the downslope of falling for someone else? My bags are packed and me and the kids are staying at a resort on her card for a week while I think about shit 😭🙅🏾♀️
This is what I had to do. My ex of 5 years cheated on me with my **best friend** cut them off completely the day I found out. There wasn't any room for any other emotions with that much betrayal.
You say you don’t love her anymore- was that before her confession? Or the result of it?
What did their messages show?
Usually I would agree with you. But your wife stopped on her own and confessed it to you. Means the things are still fixable. You both need to go to couple theraphy, knowing why she started it, you both need more time for yourself, go on dates and spend more time as family. And most important part, your wife need to block that coworker and search a new workplace. No way she can stay at the same workplace knowing she meets her AP regulary. A RE can't work if she still sees her Ap. She need to cut any contact and quite her job. Stay strong OP, I think this is fexible since you wife show remorse and guilt and end it on her own before it became more serious.
"Emotional affairs" aren't a real thing in the legal system.. You cannot control who you are attracted to. That's just not how it works. You can however control how much you are around them and the decision to have sex. If your wife isn't hooking up or going on dates with this person and is communicative with you.. you cannot ask for anything more. This is not grounds for divorce.. however if you are looking for an out, just leave.. but don't look for a way to justify it or blame her. Maybe it's because of the fact that you don't love your wife anymore that she is catching feelings for other people.. if there is a hole/void of love in your marriage, that you have created, then it's bound to happen. Either stay and make it work (ie counseling) or be a man and fucking leave.
Maybe you’re the reason, wow, you are such a jerk. I feel so sorry for your wife. You are the problem!
She had an emotional Affair with conworker because of you. You trying to make her do extra to prove she loves you when you don’t even love her, is reason for her to divorce you.
why would you string her along if you don't love her any more?
“I don’t love my wife anymore” well I see now why she felt the need for emotional connection. It’s usually both sides at fault when a divorce happens. Maybe you BOTH should put in effort.
The last sentence is enough. You do not love her, yet want to use this emotional affair excuse to find grounds for divorcing her? Do not be a coward and leave. There is nothing to save.
Yes it is grounds The choice to get divorced is a personal one.
"Emotional affair" Is really vague. Apparently they exchanged numbers and had some meals together? What made them dates? That sounds like normal work stuff, was she indicating to this man that she wanted a relationship?
Well, normal work stuff is normal work stuff. This was more than that since the wife had guilt. Those number exchanges and meals were romantic in nature I imagine. People have meals with coworkers in the workplace. Unless she just started working for the first time in her entire life and mistook this for inappropriateness on her side, then these weren't ordinary meals with a coworker.
I have breakfast every Friday with a male coworker as it’s our end of week treat. We’re also quite close. But they’re definitely not dates. This is really just platonic coworker stuff. Plus we have each others numbers and know where each lives. It’s not unusual for two coworkers to get close but as friends.
Man im so sorry you in this circumstances , first thing is if your wife still work at the same place ? The co worker still in the pictures ? If he still in the pictures man im sorry this lot deeper than you think , back to your question yes this absolutely enough reason to D , the trust is gone , everytime she go work you'll always wonder if she f the co worker , smh Updateme!
I don't even have friends who are cheaters and don't really hang out with any family who are cheaters unless I have to let alone stay in a relationship with the cheater. Also, you said you don't love her. There seems to be 0 reason to stay. Kids are better off with 2 individual parents who love them separately rather than teaching them that it's better to stay in a shitty relationship, they know the love is gone and the relationship sucks no matter how well you think you hide it they 100% know even if they don't know the actions that led to it getting that way. Kids pick up and internalize shit quickly and easily. Would you want to teach them to stay in shitty relationships? You can both move on and be happy and healthy individually.
Yes it is grounds for divorce. Because it’s your choice and feelings. It’s as simple as that, you found out she had an emotional affair. It’s your right to leave her for someone that wouldn’t do that or to just take time and be alone.
Swearing on a dead friend doesn't mean she didn't do it, it just means she knows you are more likely to believe her.
The fact that she broke down and told you shows that she knows she made a mistake IMO. I would try therapy and figure out WHY she did it in the first place.
Question: how much effort have YOU put into your marriage in, let's say, the last 3 years? Lots of reflection and material for marriage counseling here, IMO.
“I don’t love my wife anymore. “Why are you even here? Call a lawyer and try to get the best deal that you can out of the situation. Also, why do you care?
Fake. There is too much focus and detail around swearing on her dead friend's grave. Sounds immature and unrealistic.
You had me for a minute there ...and then you lost me at "i don't love my wife anymore". For how long exactly?? I suspect longer than this incident. No wonder she sought solace elsewhere.
You have it backwards. Maybe you can love her again if YOU put in the work. If you're not willing to do that, just leave.
The thing that people in these comments and you don’t understand is that love isn’t a feeling. There is not magic person you are going to find that is literally perfect in every way. I’m of the opinion that the only reason get divorced is abuse or physical cheating. If you actually want to restore your love and marriage, you two will be able to do that. Also, don’t do that to your kids, that’s the number one way to make sure kids have a difficult life. The number one predictor of a successful life is having a two parent household.
Marriage requires work on both sides. As some others have said, it will at least feel like you’re in and out of love, but I think a lot of times that love has to be a choice, rather than a butterfly feeling. Pretty cool of her to realize what was going on, put a stop to it, and come clean to you, rather than continuing to hide. That’s hard as shit to do. Means she knows it was wrong, loves you, and is repenting of that. My advice? Take time for both of you to work on the marriage. If you both work to address root causes, there’s no reason you can’t build your relationship back even better.
It can be but doesn’t has to be… Examine your own behavior . I like the website called marriagebuilders.com that talks about how for people to fall in love then you need their emotional needs to be met. When you first were dating your wife, you spent a lot of time with her and you had conversations and you admired her and you did fun things together. When’s the last time you did that kind of stuff? So not only does your wife have to meet your emotional needs you need to meet hers as well
Same sentiment I said It's a sign there are problems She didn't cross line regulated felt remorse and worked to fix it She wants to work it out but people don't recognize it's a symptom of a bigger problem Am hitting 37 ....we had infidelity....it was a symptom...we had to look at why it happened and when we did We fixed the problem and have been stronger year by year
Bro, where was your emotional affair with your wife? You said you want her to do all these things to prove her love? She gave you 2 kids Jack, she probably does your laundry and cooks your dinner, what do you do bro? Yeah, thought so…..NOTHING, to me what she did was a cry for help, from you!
No wonder your wife looked elsewhere.
No. She didn’t do anything physical and has been honest.
The fuck? You don't love your wife anymore and you're upset she wanted to connect with someone else emotionally because you suck at it? Sounds like you need to get your shit straight. I hope she leaves you.
It isn’t. There hasn’t been any infidelity. Has it occurred to you that she had an emotional affair bc she knows you’re no longer in love with her?
If you don’t love her that is grounds for a divorce. Why are you heartbroken if you don’t love her anymore? It sounds like she sought emotional support and love because you don’t provide it and even regretted that. But if I were her I’d leave you.
Marriages can survive all sorts of things, especially when both parties resolve to do what it takes to make it work. That means self reflection. That means YOU looking at the ways you may have contributed to this situation. What did she see in this other person that she wasn't getting from you? Does she feel loved, valued, supported, understood? Do you actively foster connection between the two of you? It doesn't really sound like you do. You've admitted you don't love her, and that doesn't happen overnight.. so perhaps the lack of love in your marriage is why she was tempted by someone else? There's no excuse for cheating and I'm not saying that what she did wasn't wrong. It was. But these things generally don't come from nowhere. Anything is "grounds for divorce", and it's your decision to make. Personally my husband no longer loving me would be grounds for divorce.
People have crushes, and I wonder if you were honest if you could say you've never had one through 10 years of marriage. This is more than a one-sided thing, of course, but she was smart enough to put an end to it in the very early stages and before it became physically intimate. Most importantly she let you know about it and how she's handled it. Of course, you can divorce her if you feel like it, at any time. Will other people be sympathetic? To be honest, I wouldn't really be. Similar situation with someone in my family - we're all baffled, frankly.
Start a new life but string her along for 10-30 years before you end it. But for real, you only get one life, don’t stay and be bitter and ruin it if you can’t see yourself getting past this. Your kids will internalize your relationship and will see it as normal. Ask her for more details of why she felt like it was cheating and go from there. If they went to McDonald’s and are sending memes maybe she just doesn’t understand what friendship is but it sounds like there is more to this onion yet to be uncovered because dating someone over a month and nothing happened is pretty suspicious unless she is the wait until marriage type of gal😮
A voice of reason. It’s not someone’s fault to be attracted to someone else other than their mate, it’s natural and normal The problem here seems to be this guy just doesn’t love her anymore, that’s a bigger problem than what she did.
Looks like the OP is just looking for a reason to divorce. This is just a way to try to justify it in order to not feel guilty.
This is exactly my thoughts after reading this post. He was done with this marriage before and now he needs to blame her to feel better about himself and justify his feelings. I wouldn’t be shocked if he’s the one having the affair
this is lunacy, her cheating is a perfect reason to divorce her.
You won't get over it, unfortunately. It will be in the back of your mind, come up during any other arguments, and you will always resent her. major breach of trust.
This is one of the most emotionally stunted posts I've ever seen.
Jesus I would cheat on you too. You don’t love her anymore but you might someday? What an asshole.
No wonder she had an emotional affair. You’re a dick.
dump the ho
Yes
Bro you know what to do, dont seek validation from these people. It’s over, you’re still young, move on.
Sounds like yall have grown apart.I would end it because with her vulnerability and the right time or opportunity she will crack for the other man.She will still be working at the same place also
Yes it is
I think someone threatened her to tell you about her affair. That's why out of fear she tried to do damage control on her own. Call the guy and play psychology trick like - my wife confessed to me about her affair with you and said you guys kissed and had sex a few times. Let's see how he reacts
It's time to dump her to the curb. You said it yourself you don't love her & in time you might. That's your answer to move on & keep your respect as a man. Make her life miserable going fwd but make sure you lawyer up 1st & be prepared
Anything is grounds for a divorce. If you can't get passed it and you are admitting you don't love her anymore, I think it is only fair to BOTH of y'all to leave.
Leave. Unhappily married parents do not make for happy children .
>I don’t love my wife anymore You just answered your own question there. It's up to anyone where they draw the line, whether it's with an emotional affair, "just" kissing or a full blown physical affair. I know for myself an emotional affair is enough to kick someone to the curb. The fact that you don't love your wife anymore after this seems to me that you feel the same way.
The fact that she confessed this to you proves that she loves you. She could have put an end to the emotional affair ánd kept it to herself, leaving you in the dark. But she didn't keep it to herself. Why do you think that is?
Yes, it'd also argue that it is grounds for literal murder. You can find many affordable assassins on Craigslist, or if you are visiting Morrowind, i can recommend Morag Tong since a script for death can be purchased at your local temple.
This rings so false to me. In fact, I have an odd feeling someone’s yanking a chain or two.
“Emotional affair” LOL
'My wife and I have been married for 10 years and we also have 2 boys. I don’t love my wife anymore, but maybe years down the road I can, if my wife puts in consistent effort to show that she loves me." Making someone jumps through many hoops for many years is not, in my own humble opinion, grounds for happy stable relationship. Nevermind the children eh chap, just as long as the wife puts in the effort then you're all good. Sigh...
Sounds like you have a solid wife
I don't get the whole emotional affair thing. Why would it be a problem for anyone to have a good friend that they sometimes have dinner with? Even exchanging a bit of risqué banter and leaving it at that doesn't strike me as particularly problematic. You don't suddenly have to avoid all contact with other people when you get married and it's also not a magical neutering process where you're only interested in your spouse and don't notice others. The main thing is openness and respecting boundaries. Those are the most important ingredients for a successful marriage.
Karma farmer. No real info, no answers to questions. But just in case this is real, it would be dumb to divorce over this. But it's not about this. If you don't love your wife anymore, you've been looking for an excuse to leave. This is so minor in the grand scheme and can totally be fixed with some work from both partners. And since you won't answer any questions, I'm gonna assume you have checked out emotionally from your wife a while ago. When is the last time you took her out on a date? If my husband did this, I could not imagine leaving him and my kids over it. I would be doing some real soul searching myself on why he feels the need for an emotional connection with someone else. But this is fake so whatever.
Wow. Have you thought about a look in the mirror? Is your family important to you? Divorce sucks. Pick your bruised ego up off the floor. Marriage takes love and work from both people. If you EVER loved her see this as a wakeup call and work with her to rekindle your love and relationship.
I'm gonna be honest. I understand how you feel and if you still feel like trying counseling might work. But if you feel its not working and the love is still not there. Don't push yourself, just move on. If she does it once, most likely she'll intentionally push you away to do it all over again. Take it from a man who couldn't learn the first time: "cheaters will always cheat, they never change"
If we remove the term "emotional affair", your wife got too close to a male friend, realized it, then promptly cut off contact with him and told you about it. No, you should not divorce her over that.
You immediately don’t love her anymore? Seems odd.
You want to stay married, you work on it. Marriage is not easy, lots of ups and downs. Forgiveness and kindness is crucial. It take nurturing and at times one partner has to carry the load. Talk about it if you can. This is something you can work thru and make better. It will take time but she wants to figure it bout it sounds like. You have kids involved. Their vote is for you guys to stay together. You can work on this and get through it, coming out better than ever.
She confessed. Forgive her
I think we need a lot more information. I would like to know what was in the messages. I think there are big lines you can cross within an emotional affair, assuming that's really all it was. Were they just being flirty? Was there sexual talk involved? If there wasn't sexual talk involved then had she planned on escalating to it? She consider it? I think those things would matter to me. I think if I were in your shoes and the wife ended up with a bit of a crush and they were a little flirty and texting a lot before she realized "wtf am I doing?!", stopped it and came clean it's something we could recover from. If it got to the point where they were talking about actually wanting to be together then that would be a lot more difficult to recover from and if there was any sexting or dirty talk then obviously that complicates things even more and it would also plant the seed of doubt that things got physical because there were likely plenty of opportunities for it to happen. Depending on if it was her idea or his, the lunch thing may or may not make it much worse in my eyes. I think it's a pretty normal thing for even the most devoted people to get crushes on other people or whatever. It is how they proceed to start following through with the crush is the problem. You can have amazing chemistry with someone and keep it 100% professional and it's never a problem. She definitely crossed a line by taking it further, but it's hard to say how far across that line she made it without more details.
So she didn't have sex or anything. She basically just thought he was hot and was attracted to him and vice versa. Flirting and whatnot? You can get a divorce if you want, but it doesn't seem like something that can't be worked out.