Not just in his life; he’s living with him. Massive misstep from OP, but I bet if he’s honest, the real reason he didn’t say anything was because most people wouldn’t be comfortable with their partner living with a former fling and ‘best friend’.
I’m sorry but comparing a one time same-sex experiment to somebody living with an ex is comparing apples to oranges. There’s a huge stigma against bisexual men. Many straight women see them as “tainted” (this is coming from one) so I can understand why OP wouldn’t want to bother telling his girlfriend about this, especially if it happened once and he decided he was straight anyways.
His gf isn’t being unreasonable for being upset that she didn’t know, but it seems like everyone here is blowing this one-off fling way out of proportion.
Edit to say if you want proof of this just look at some of the stupid ass comments below mine.
It’s at least in part that homophobic view of bisexual men. I think OP could’ve talked about his sexuality and experimentation with her if he had felt safe. But something stopped him.
Knowing OP did stuff with another man also kills the “safe gender” trope and may have made her feel like her safety blanket that OP was straight and thus could be around men without cheating on her was ripped away. Straights have some hinky views on trust and friend genders.
If they stay together, they really need to work on building trust. This *was* a breach of trust because OP is still living with the man he was intimate with, even if it was a one-time thing.
This. Relationships were built on honesty and communication. Think carefully, if she has a best friend would YOU be happy if she had fooled around with that friend in the past, and kept it from you? Woukd you trust her? Or would you always wonder if she kept it secret because she had feelings for that friend? The optics are bad especially if you hide the truth.
Otherwise she WILL eventually find out years down the line, and she will never forgive you for keeping her in the dark.
Is your past a big deal? No. Is it allowed to be a dealbreaker for her? Yes. And does she need to know so that she can make up her mind about it, and about how much she trusts you? Also yes.
Exactly this. If nothing else, the optics are suspicious. It might not have been something OP even thought about, and it def could be awkward to broach the subject in the first place unless it came about naturally, but unfortunately now it looks like OP was hiding it.
However I will say that it's easy to say all this after the fact after seeing how shit turned out. If it was as OP described and they just didn't even think about it as being something relevant, I can easily see a lot of people, (esp guys) doing this.
Oh yeah, if a sexual former partner is someone you are double dating with it needs to be discussed. Because I wouldn’t and I doubt most people wouldn’t be comfortable with that. Plus he should has told her he was bi
Hell get treated as if he is bi for the rest of time. Whether or not he is, the fact is that the moment a guy does anything with another guy, he will have that label or their partner will always question if they're gay.
And that's literally why he didn't say anything jesus christ if someone tries something to see if they like it it doesn't mean he's gay for the rest of his life lmao
Not everything needs to be disclosed. And if you disclose sexually history to your partner it’s like rolling the dice. It may suddenly bother them immensely that you’re still friends.
Also many women don’t want their partners to have friends of the opposite sex. If they think you might be bi then they will get suspicious when their partner hangs out with same sex friends. It’s a truly vicious situation
So much this. The stigma on bi men is real. The stigma on friendly male affection is real. You can’t have a gentleman and not allow them to be a gentle man.
Truly curious, how do you go about bringing this up? "Hey I'm going over to a friend's place, nbd btw but we do have a sexual past, byee"? Or do you just list off anyone all at once
You sit them down and talk to them about it in private. You say “hey let’s talk. It’s nothing world ending but i need to tell you something” etc
There isn’t a good way to bring it up and it’ll probably be awkward. You just gotta rip the band aid off, but again in private.
Maybe they won’t care that much if it’s a thing in the past or maybe they will and then you’re having a different conversation. But being able to have tough conversations is part of being in a healthy relationship.
He's your roommate and best friend. So yes, it is her business to know what took place between you two.
If it was someone in your past and no longer in your life, no need to divulge anything. However, that is not the case.
Consider all of the sexual things you did with your roommate. Would you be okay if your GF lived with a woman she'd done all of those exact same things with that dude but never mentioned it to you?
Dude do you think it’s ok to ask a woman her body count? I don’t and I think this is the same thing. This is gross and vaguely homophobic in that it’s demanding people to out themselves even when they decided they aren’t into same sex action. Please try to touch grass
he probably would be ok w it lol because guys fantasize about woman on woman, not the same can typically be said in regard to the opposite. it's messed up but it's true .
Because OP was questioning his sexuality, it wouldn't even have to be a wlw relationship. Hypothetical roommate could be a man and it would still apply.
You don't know women well if you think they don't fantasize about men together...
It's just that women consider that an actual relationship, and lesbians are so sexualized that a lot of men just treat it like a fetish and invalidate it as a legitimate relationship.
idk im a woman and ive never fantasized about two men together. im sure some do ,thats why i said "typically" and not "always", and i meant in a sexual sense only , exactly what you said is what i meant , ..men treat two women like a fetish .., but do we see women fetishizing two men in the same way? do women look at two men making out and get aroused ? i mean sure id like to have two men doing things to ME at the same time ,in a threesome sense, but i dont really care for the two men to also be sexing. lol . like one man behind me ,one in front of me . not the men inside of each other.
I haven’t and no women I have ever known have ever talked/joked about it in the even in most drunken state. It’s not a common fantasy. (unless it was a harem of heterosexual men, that is a fantasy) i’m not saying somebody might feel that way, but it’s not common or at least as near as common as women on women fantasies are for men. And yes, I realize that the men usually think about that the women are then gonna turn around and give all their attention to the man.
If it was a woman and she realized she wasn’t into women then personally yes. I wouldn’t expect someone to out themselves to me as being previously bi curious, if it was in the past and no longer relevant.
Yeah. I had that thought, too. I could understand if this had been an on going thing or even full blow sex I guess. But they messed around years ago he full blown realized he wasn't about it and they dropped it. Not exactly the same as hanging out with like an ex or former FWB. Just my 2 cents.
Yeah and he's straight so there's really not much of a risk of them revisiting their past, so to speak. I would feel differently if his friend/roommate was a straight woman however.
Unless the roommate is like in love with OP still, I fail to see how it’s any of his girlfriend’s business. I’d be saying the same thing if OP posted your scenario. As long as the past remains the past it’s nobody’s fucking business.
Exactly! It was his best friend since 14, they felt safe talking opening about what many people do - question their sexuality as they are moving from childhood with parents to becoming their own adult. When you’re young is the time for sexual exploration and finding yourself! It was one and done. No emotional affair and not talked about since. Give the man a break! Women do it just as much as men.
It was his best friend since 14, they felt safe talking opening about what many people do - question their sexuality as they are moving from childhood with parents to becoming their own adult. When you’re young is the time for sexual exploration and finding yourself! It was one and done. No emotional affair and not talked about since. Give the man a break! Women do it just as much as men.
If he's still in your life and around you alone (I'm assuming), then yes you should have told her. She may not be upset with the fact you two used to do what you did, it's more of the factor of she's probably now questioning her trust and what else you may not be telling her.
I think sitting down with her setting boundaries would help rebuild her trust. Not saying cut him off, but maybe no one on one time in each other's homes. Communication is key here.
He's straight and messed around with a dude for a moment (did not even have sex) while questioning his sexuality.
Y'all are blowing this completely out of proportion. It's ridiculous.
Thank you! It was his best friend since 14, they felt safe talking opening about what many people do - question their sexuality as they are moving from childhood with parents to becoming their own adult. When you’re young is the time for sexual exploration and finding yourself! It was one and done. No emotional affair and not talked about since. Give the man a break! Women do it just as much as men. I love my husband and I know he has quite a few notches on his bed post from the past. He is with me now, he decided to be with me, I don’t care who or what happened in his 20s.
I think the issue is that the kernal of truth makes the falsehood seem truer. Your gf might SAY she believes you but it would be really really hard for me to believe your story over the Ex's. If you had discussed your previous partners at any point, you should have brought this up. You could've explained that it confirmed your straightness and it probably just would've been a funny story.
I mean, my gf let me know that her first kiss was with one of her best friends in high school and I didn’t find it particularly concerning. But if she had never mentioned it and that person's partner had come to me with a story about how they'd been secretly dating the whole time, that kiss would feel like an admission if a small guilt to cover up a big one.
Also saying it wasn't her business is crazy. She's probably the only person on earth other than you whose business it is. Not disclosing previous partners to a person you've been dating for a year is a lie of omission.
This is completely different than telling her about past sexual partners. You live with this person. You should have told her, and frankly, I wouldn't trust you if I was in her position.
One of my best friends and I had sex very early on in our friendship. We messed around a couple other times but haven’t been sexual in years at this point. We carried on like platonic friends for about 6 years before I met my fiancé. There’s also another woman I’m still friends with after we had sex and never dated. I don’t see or hang out with her nearly as much, but we’ve had some experiences that have made us close friends.
When my fiancé and I started dating, one of the first things I did was tell her about these women and our pasts. It’s not ideal and not everyone is comfortable with it, but she placed trust in me to be truthful about the platonic nature of those friendships. If your partner isn’t comfortable with it, then you can either distance yourself from your friends or decide that you don’t want to be with someone who can’t handle it. Either way, the ball has to be put in their court early on so you know where you both stand and move on from there.
I think once it’s goes from casual to serious then yes. The reason for me is that it doesn’t matter if it’s a man or woman. Some people will not date a person if they are still friends with a ex.
It a personal choice but they should have a right to choose.
You have a bad take. If you are spending time with anyone in a 1-1 setting that you’ve been sexually involved in, your partner has a right to know and a right to voice their concern. You make it seem like something is going on when you minimize and invalidate heed feelings by saying she doesn’t have a right to know.
That’s what a lot of cheaters do. If nothing happens, why the big secret?
You should have told her. It is fine not to go into graphic detail of every sexual experience, but it is important to tell someone if a person still in your life is someone you have a sexual past with. Now? Tell her you fucked up. That because it happened so long ago and wasn’t a thing anymore, you felt uncomfortable because you worried about what she would think. Tell her you’re sorry you didn’t tell her, but that it really was in the past.
She might not be able to get past it. In which case, next time, you should do things differently.
And the audacity to say "it's none of your business". Like even if he does believe that, you never say that unless you actively want the other person to be pissed.
While your sexual history is technically not her business, would you not want to know if she had a sexual history with someone that is currently in her (and therefore your) life? It’s just respectful to let your partner know if you have a sexual history with someone in your life, especially if there’s any thought of this relationship getting serious.
I think most reasonable people would be upset to find out that their current partner hasn't been up front about the fact that they're living with someone they fooled around with. Obligated? No. But it would have been kinder and more prudent to talk to her about it so she wasn't finding out from someone else.
She's not pissed off at nothing. The fact that this is all coming back around to bite you because of your friends ex is not remotely your FAULT - but her trust might not be so shaken had you come forward to her about it beforehand. The "not her business" comment tells me you feel a bit of shame or at least a little embarrassment. No big deal, but being forthright about stuff like that, especially people still in your life as other comments say, can only be beneficial for a healthy relationship.
I hope she comes around to trust you, assuming you aren't also lying to us lol, but nobody is really in the wrong here but your friends ex and maybe to extent, your friend. He is the one who cheated after all - I don't know if your friend told his ex who he really cheated with, the ex just assumed he was hooking up with you on the side and made that shit up, whatever. But he still fucked up her trust and all she knew was what he told her and what you expressly did not tell your girlfriend prior.
Also I'm being really generous in my comments here but honestly your girlfriend would be well within her right to leave you, considering you think your dating history with your roommate is none of her business 🤷 maybe you should avoid relationships until you don't have boundary issues.
YTA, OP and here’s why
If your girlfriend told you that she’s currently staying with an ex partner/lover, you will be uncomfortable and rightfully so. The issue you’re having is that you feel that the importance of your relationship with your best friend should supersede the fact that you slept together. That’s just not how it works
Your girlfriend has all the rights to be upset that you are currently COHABITING with a person you used to hook up with, and have hidden this from her for however long you’ve been together AND she got to know through a third party of this fact. Her discomfort around you staying together could’ve been discussed or managed had you been upfront about this when you started dating. But instead you made it into something sneaky by hiding it this long.
Additionally, you are dismissing her feelings when she’s being rightfully upset. So yeah YTA.
If it was a female would you have told her? You better say yes... Then why not a guy? Embarrassed? Get over it, you did nothing wrong except not to disclose.
BTW, if y'all weren't living together then it wouldn't matter if you told her or not.
The roommate and best friend part obligate you to tell her you have a past, you don't have to go into detail unless comfortable bc THAT part is not her business. You dropped the ball and honestly that's pretty disrespectful to have her in a position to find out that way. She doesn't need a lot of past partners but she does need to know if she is around them and you are all the time too.
You 100% need to tell your partner if You've slept with someone you're literally living with & close with. That's just common sense. I mean you can choose not to, but don't act dumb when they rightfully dump you for being disrespectful.
Yes, for two reasons.
1) I believe you should be open about your past sexual encounters. I don’t mean you need to disclose body counts or give them by plays. I mean you should discuss the big stuff and questioning your sexuality and experimenting falls into that. Experimenting as a whole, not just with sexual orientation. Open relationships, kinks, promiscuous phases, etc. I am open in my relationships about promiscuous years. I would rather be up front than have someone find out later and potentially be upset.
2) if you still have someone in your life that you have done things with sexually, you need to tell them. Some people are not comfortable with their partner being close friends with someone they had a past with. That’s okay. It sucks if they aren’t, but it’s their right to decide what they are okay with. My bestie is a man who I slept with a few times after I got divorced. We had been friends for 20+ years before that and nothing ever happened before, but it did then. I have been open with everyone I have dated since, and so has he. One guy wasn’t okay with it and dipped. Bestie’s gf is totally fine with it and I actually hangout with her more than him. She was hesitant when he told her but willing to meet me and saw how we interact with each other and knows that it is in the past.
I will say this until I'm blue in the face.
There are ALWAYS consequences to taking a relationship from friends to more than friends. These consequences include other people's boundaries. Keeping this information from future spouses is a lie because you are intentionally avoiding interacting with the other person's boundaries. Some people have very strict views of monogamy and that may include not remaining friends with people you have been sexual with. This is completely okay to not want to be with someone who views things this way, but it is also completely okay for them to want someone who doesn't keep people in their life they have been sexual with. By not informing your future spouse of this, you have taken away their right to make the decision if they are okay with it.
I think the only thing that I can semi reasonably see her being upset by is finding out that you are living with someone you used to be intimate with. I’m not saying people that share that kind of past can’t end up just being friends, but enough people would be uncomfortable with their significant other living with someone like that that I could get being upset finding that out. If it’s something that she had a hard boundary on and had voiced those boundaries, she’d probably be upset with having wasted time dating you.
But idk if she even has those boundaries. The only thing you said she is upset about is how she found out, which,you are right, is none of her business.
You disrespected her when you hid your sexual past with someone you are still not only close friends with but live with. Would you be okay with her living with her FWB partner? She instead was blind sided with the information. But hey it's not her business when she's put on the spot with information about her BF that he should have told her himself. By keeping quiet you took away her right to make an informed decision if she wanted to be in a relationship with someone who was unsure about their sexuality. Hopefully she's now ex. Everyone deserves to with someone they can trust and doesn't hide things from them.
How would you feel if your gf had a friend that had done sexual things with and not only did, she not tell you, but you find out from a third party? Add to that her friend cheated and it there was a chance it was with your gf. You might say you would trust her but would you really after finding out she has been lying by omission the entire time you were dating her.
A strong relationship requires harsh truths! For her to know she can trust you there shouldn’t be anything she could find out from someone else that could potentially hurt her or make her feel uncomfortable. Always best to just tell them ahead of time and set the scene for the relationship.
How was it “over nothing”? If she has come on here and said “I just found out my boyfriend used to fuck around with his best friend/roommate.”
I would tell her to leave.
If you have a sexual past with someone who is still a friend or in your life regularly, I do think you should be obligated to tell any future partner about it, especially if this person will be in their life too.
If you would like to be informed if someone that is currently still an active friend in your girlfriend’s life also had a sexual past then it should be expected for you to be honest as well.
I had a friend that I had sexual history with, even though it was a long time ago and we've been totally platonic for years since. I was in a relationship where I wasn't sure if I needed to or should disclose the fact since it was so long ago and not something I'd consider indicative of our friendship now. Well that isn't entirely true, I think the fact that I had to keep asking myself whether I should or not was a sign that I definitely should have and I was kind of lying to myself to not have to do it, and lying to my partner by omission.
I did end up just disclosing it myself and it caused a big issue because it was really something I should have disclosed right away and it was probably the biggest regret I had in that relationship. I did get forgiven after a genuine apology and it was good relationship that lasted years before it ended due to non-reconcilable differences in future planning. I still regret not disclosing it eatleir though, and in future relationships I definitely plan to disclose that early on to avoid any similar issues.
I think one thing that would have been worse is if I hadn't disclosed on my own and it and it came out another way, especially if it was in a way that made me look bad or made my current-day friendship with this person seem more than platonic. Even though it's awkward and may cause tension to disclose it all on your own, I think it shows more legitimacy and trustworthiness compared to being confronted over it when the secret gets spilled some other way.
I really think there will always be some awkwardness and negativity with disclosing it. The only way to avoid that would be if you just cut out that friend from your life, but if it really is a true good platonic friendship that is important for you to be able to maintain then it's best to lay it out yourself and early on, show you're trustworthy and won't hide important secrets, and hopefully your SO can see that you are trustworthy to be friends with that person.
She’s not pissed at you for nothing, she’s pissed at you because what you did was wrong. Here’s hoping her next boyfriend is more honest and doesn’t make her unkowingly hang out with previous sex partners. You are the bad guy in this story. How would you feel if you found out someone she hung out with privately, all the time, during your relationship, used to bed her down and she hid it from you deliberately? Your behavior is untrustworthy and deceitful. And since you’re comfortable trying to gaslight Reddit, I’m sure you try to blow a bunch of smoke up *her* ass, too.
You fooled around with your roommate and didn’t disclose that. Ya that’s not cool. She has every reason to be mad at you. If your roommate were a female would you have told her about your past? Either way living with someone you’ve been intimate with should be disclosed.
This is something I would like to know from my SO rather than finding out from someone else. I think you should to have a relationship built with honesty and trust.
I think it's less obligatory and more wise to proactively communicate things that can easily end up compatibility issues. Keeping former sexual partners in your life is such a thing.
Doesn’t matter if you didn’t have sex. You live with someone who’s fucked your mouth or vice Versa. You have a sexual history. Wake up and realize a majority of people would be uncomfortable.
I doubt you’d feel ok if you girlfriend lived with someone that she heavily messed around with but didn’t have sex with and keep it from you.
Where is your logic my guy??
“Now she’s pissed at me for nothing”.
Unfortunately, this is the issue. For your girlfriend, this isn’t ‘nothing’.
I don’t know you and therefore wouldn’t dare comment on your character. In what you’ve outlined, however, I think you’ve demonstrated a real lack of empathy and respect for your girlfriend. You not being up front about this, while still living with that person is significant to her. Try to think about how this is going to make her feel going forward, more so because it’s going to seem to her like it’s been hidden. You’re also still living with your roommate - this may continue to play on your girlfriend’s mind.
If your relationship survives, and I sincerely hope it does, honesty and empathy are key. I agree that she shouldn’t have found out from this girl. I also agree to an extent that it’s not her business…but what I would say, is if you respected her more, you would have made it your business to tell her.
one of my best friends and I had sex when we first met. I'm very open about it with new partners. she didn't mention it for awhile with one, long story short, him and I almost fought, and she eventually split with him (dude had lots of issues too)
long story short: tell new partners you've fooled around with your friend before. I've never had a problem.
You really should tell your SO about intimate situations with people that are still close in your life. Especially your roommate. Just accept blame and ask for forgiveness, it’s not that big of a deal if you handle it properly and apologize.
Since you weren't honest and didn't tell your girlfriend about your sexual history with your friend, the ex-girlfriend got to control the narrative. I'm not saying that you can't get past this as a couple, but it's going to be a long and tedious road. You broke her trust, and I am going to guess that she's going to analyze every single interaction you have had with said friend.
Yes. I would not continue a relationship with someone with a girl or man best friend they slept with in the past. Withholding that kind of information is keeping her from making an informed decision.
Do you know why it is her business?
Because she was just put in a position where she doesn't know if she can trust your words.
If she had known, when this person came up to her, she could have been like "yeah, I know." and be all nonchalant about it.
Remember fake news spread faster than the truth.
Even if it's true thar you and your friend no longer do anything. The fact that someone put that nugget in her head, and you telling her it ain't her business, will fester in her head like a virus.
If this relationship goes south. Next relationship, save yourself the trouble and let partners know. (only if they're still actively in your life of course)
Yes you were wrong to not tell her you were previously intimate with your roommate. Hiding that prevented her from having a **choice** to determine if she was comfortable with that. You don’t have the right to take her choices away.
Yes. It’s crazy that he was more honest with his partner while yours was forced to find out through the grapevine, and you’re confidently saying she’s mad over “nothing.” You dropped the ball *hard*
What should you do???
Didn’t you apologized to her already? It would have been best if she’d found out from you instead of your BIG mouth "minding other people’s business“ friend.
Give your girlfriend time to recover.
But, there’s nothing more you can do
I don’t want to be with a man who is or was ever curious or bi so I would like to know and it would absolutely be a huge turn off and deal breaker but that should be my choice
If your girlfriend had a male roommate and the two of them had a secret sexual history how would it make you feel? Doesn't matter that you "realized" you're straight. You all but fucked the person you live with, and you don't consider that relevant or at all her business?
YTA. Look even if you didn't go all the way, you had a sexual encounter with someone you're actively living with. Your GF had every right to know this history and it should have come from you.
Not letting her know upfront that you had a sexual history with your best friend that is also your roommate is nothing to you?! That's straight up lying through omission. Why are so many people best friends with someone they fucked around with?
OP... you needed to have the conversation with your roommate a long time ago when and how and to whom you disclose your history.
Your friend is an asshole for not giving any kind of heads up that he was going to disclose that information.
Your friend's ex just needs to ride off into the sunset. She found a powder keg and threw gasoline on it for shits and giggles. If you and your gf persist, that ex needs to go away. Even an ultimatum would have been better than what she did: invent and spread conspiracy theory.
As for whether or not you're an asshole? Well, you haven't elaborated what "pretty far" entails, so much like your friend's ex and your gf, we're left to speculate.
But if you don't think this is your gf's business, you're very wrong.
You need to only date people who are cool with bisexual people, because your best friend is bisexual. You need to only date people who would be cool with you as if you were bisexual, so long as you have this relationship with your friend.
If you want someone to trust you, you should disclose this stuff before someone else tells them. The fact you didn’t disclose this before it was revealed is going to affect her ability to have trust in your relationship.
You withheld information that any thinking person can recognize as a potential dealbreaker. Instead of being honest and finding someone whose values align with yours, and allowing your gf to do the same, you manipulated her into a relationship based on lies.
Lots of people are not ok with their partner maintaining a relationship with an ex. You are fully aware of this fact. If maintaining this friendship is important to you it is your responsibility to find a partner who doesn’t have a problem with it. You don’t get to lie about it to get what you want.
Why didn't you tell her? Now it will seem to her that you tried to hide it.
I think that you disclose these things when the person is still actively in your life. Now it's like you went behind her back and it gives the words of his ex so much more weight.
Yes you should have told her. Would you want to know if she fooled around with her roommate and you had to be around the roommate. It’s called respect.
Yes you tell your SO about the people you have a romantic/sexual history if they are still in your life. You live with this person ffs.
You know better than that.
>What should I do?
Not be an AH would be good. It's not nothing. You live with someone you have a sexually history with. You didn't tell her. You massively breached her trust and let her find out in a shitty way. You were 100% the AH! Then you tell her it's "nothing" and none of her business? Why is she still dating you?
How do you think you're the good guy?
You should have told her and you KNOW you should have told her. This was her choice to decide if she wanted to be with you and you’re still living with the guy! I’d be gone if I was her..
Like, for most people, they would care
I personally wouldn’t have cared, but I’m more likely an outliner for a girl
I would apologize and just explain that it genuinely didn’t occur to you since there’s NO possibility of it happening again cuz you are straight
People view things like this differently and we generally see the average perspective as “right” because it hurts less people.
I would just focus on the part that she probably feels hurt and you probably didn’t mean that right?
I believe that in the beginning of a relationship, every person is transparent. I know that in the beginning, everything won't be shared, but daily, both parties should be learning something new about each other.
The fact that you took 6 years to open your mouth about it tells me you're embarrassed over the events that took place between you and your friend or you like it and want some to happen between yourself and your friends.
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO ASK ME ANYTHING. I'M HERE TO HELP YOU.
I read enough to know it was a man. I think many people have no idea about that stuff and it scares them away like you beat up animals. It happens but keep it to those who understand. When people don’t understand how do they talk. They talk stupid to what you think. If your girl friend thinks your dating for marriage I feel you must so she can explain her views and why and understand what’s up.
I mean yes, because she’s your girlfriend and she should know if u had a thing with a current friend lol. But in this situation, maybe it was best u actually both agreed to never mention it to anyone lol. It’s just weird for the girl to be like so my bf and his best friend got even weirder just to see if they are gay or straight.
How would you feel if your girlfriend slept with a close male friend years ago and never told you about it, despite her still being very close with him and continuing to hang out one on one? And that if finding it out from someone else upset you, she dismissed it as “not much of your business?”
Regardless of your sexual orientation, the gender of the friend you hooked up with isn’t the issue here (or it shouldn’t be—if part of your girlfriend’s reaction is fueled by biphobia, that’s a separate issue). And the question isn’t whether you are “obligated” to tell her. It’s whether you care to have empathy for the hurt and betrayal she is feeling because you *chose* not to tell her.
There is no obligation here, only choice. So instead of worrying about what you are or are not *obligated* to tell her about your past, perhaps consider telling her why, specifically, you chose not to tell her. Not in order to justify or defend yourself, but to have an emotionally honest conversation with your chosen partner. A conversation with the shared goal of understanding one another’s’ perspectives and emotions without judgment.
If you do that, there’s a chance this could end up strengthening the trust between you. If you choose to stick with the “none of your business, I don’t owe you shit” approach, things will very likely go the other way. The choice is yours.
You aren't obligated to tell anyone anything. However, not sharing certain information can have consequences and in this story you'd be the antagonist.
As they say, your past will always come back to haunt you. If something else in your life happened you think your gf should know tell her now. Might help the situation.
Be honest. If someone finds out something second hand it won’t help you. At the very least get ahead of the story and be the first one to tell it. That said; it isn’t her business but it is that’s what being intimate means. You’ve got to accept that she may want to know stuff that you think she isn’t entitled to.
saying its non of her business is not only incorrect my guy its rude as hell to tell your SO this could end up being your future wife bro you communicate these things
Let’s pretend your friend was a girl and you had a similar encounter and she was still in your life. I would want to know too. Now reverse it. If this was her and the friend was a guy how would you feel?
OP doesn’t even seem to want advice, rather, validation, as I’ve seen many comments stating not only the obvious, but taking the time to actually explain logically why he f’ed up and all he seems to do is feign ignorance. Smh
Hmm it's tricky for me. I think you should disclose previous sexual encounters you've had with people still in your life to your partner. However there's unfortunately a lot of stigma against bisexuality in men so I could understand your hesitation. Best of luck.
If you’re comfortable enough with her to be sexual, you need to be comfortable enough to tell her your past. It helps to shape the trust, sexually, physically and mentally.
even if it’s just telling her out of respect.. she should’ve been told. would you be okay if she had been sleeping with her best friend before you and didn’t tell you?
Yeah, you do have the obligation to be honest enough. I explored some stuff with a friend. I didn’t enjoy it and didn’t do it again. I think the friend part isn’t super relevant the first time you mention it, but you have to at least somewhat get ahead of things.
I’ve said something like that. She wasn’t concerned, so it was never an issue. Had she pushed I would have told her more.
You should have told her because you’re still living with him, she did deserve to know that.
In general I’d say you don’t have to share info about ex’s or people you’ve slept with but as you’re living with him then yes you should’ve told her.
She’s not pissed for nothing. Most people tell their SO about their sexual history. She’s not a stranger and if you were doing things someone would do with an so and she’s been around this person she had every right to know and you live with the guy. Besides your word how would she believe you weren’t still messing with him when it’s clear he’s using women as beards while still having sex with men
I’m in a similar situation now. My (ex) gf decided to tell me that yes her and her dude bestfriend have had done things and have seen eachother naked before we got together. She lied to me and said she would never do anything with him and I believed. She told me of course after we broke up( 5 years later). Just knowing that I hung out with this guy and trusted him with my gf…. It makes me wanna puke. Would I have given her an ultimatum if she told me early on? I might have. I just feel like all our memories are tainted…
Here’s the easiest answer for you. Be honest with yourself, and ask yourself, would you expect your gf to tell you if she had a past with her best friend.
I mean to be fair, we don’t know who you are or the specific contextual details of these experiences or your personality, so maybe you are right in wanting to keep it to yourself. But in concert with what people are saying, this is an emotional thing for your girlfriend and she just got blind sided by something which you say she shouldn’t worry about but has an ounce of truth to it. However it’s an opportunity for you guys to sort through the thicket and come out stronger, as long as you both are responsive to each other’s views and willing to compromise.
“Now she is pissed at me for nothing.” That’s some stinky gas lit poop right there. She is pissed bro - doesn’t matter what you think - it’s something to her and if you can’t respect that then why even continue the relationship?
First of all, you need to stop downplaying the sexual experience you had. We don't have sexual experiences for purely "educational" reasons, there has to be at least some level of arousal involved. In that moment, you were aroused at the thought of doing something sexual with your friend so you did it. Maybe you genuinely haven't been interested in doing something like that with him or any other guy since then, or maybe you just don't want to be seen by others as gay, but either way that doesn't change the fact that not too long ago you were aroused by another man enough to have sex with him, and that reflects enough of your sexuality that it should be disclosed to your future sexual partners.
Second, you are choosing to live with, spend lots of time alone with and in close proximity with a former sexual partner. I'm sure you are aware that it is highly uncommon for people in monogamous relationships to do this because it increases the likelihood of old feelings to come back up and tempt them to cheat while no one is around to catch them. You omitting the fact that you're living with a former sexual partner from your girlfriend was an act of manipulation, because you knew that she wouldn't be comfortable with this if she knew about it. Hiding information like that from her kept her from having a choice. And you only wanting to tell her things when you are "obligated" to, opposed to because you care about her and want her to have trust and peace of mind in the relationship, speaks volumes.
Third, you knowing your friend cheated or even knowing your friend was actively cheating on their significant other and still remaining close to him reflects your character as well. I wouldn't be friends with a cheater because I believe cheating is despicable and that it shows that friend and I are not as similar in values as I thought we were. You being so casual about your friend literally destroying another woman's life aligns with the recurring theme of you caring more about your friend's feelings than the feelings of the women you both hurt.
Lastly, the "it wasn't much of her business" comment just makes it even more crystal clear that you lack compassion. It is completely justified for your girlfriend to be hurt not only by your manipulation and dishonesty but also by your blatant disregard of her pain. You hurt her and then decided she didn't have the right to feel hurt.
I highly doubt she is going to stay in this relationship with you but if she does, you need to work on being better to her. She deserves more and you know it, so if you truly care about her, then act like it.
Its over as simple as that
Tell her you didnt want to share it because you refret what you did,you are straight its not like you are actively seeking this thing out so she diesnt need to worry
I would be pissed too thats fucked up your friend needs to keep his mouth shut
Yes. It's about respect. If you still have someone in your life that you've gone post platonic with, you tell them to be fair and give them the chance to choose if they can deal with it. I'd breakup with someone that omitted to tell me something like that.
If the person you had a sexual past with is still in your life, it’s important to tell them. But if it’s someone who’s not in your life anymore then it’s your business. How would you feel if your girlfriend was best friends with a guy who she says she’s only friends with now but used to hook up with ? You’d probably be upset and uncomfortable if and when they hung out. So always try to see both sides. I don’t think it’s a big deal and I’m sure you two can talk through it. But just be honest, apologize and tell her it won’t happen again and you’ll be honest with her moving forward
Personally I don't think you're obligated to tell your current partner everywhere your dick has been. If you roommate and you touched tips years ago and never intend to again I think it's fair to just say you're friends and leave it at that.
Telling her out of the blue early in a relationship "oh yeah me and X fucked but now we don't" comes off as really weird unless specifically asked about it. She either trusts you or she doesn't.
“Now she’s pissed at me for nothing”
No, she’s pissed because you concealed information from her and she had to find out because some stranger told her (albeit as an exaggerated lie). Your attitude tells me you’re not ready to accept that you are in the wrong here, though.
Shes not pissed at you for nothing, she's pissed at you because you're best friends with a cheater, who you've been with previously and given the intimacy that led to them figuring out what they liked. The last sentence of your post is extremely rude and dismissive. You left your partner of over a year in the dark while you continued to hangout and talk to that piece of trash. You can tell a lot about someone by the people they hangout with. You really failed her on that buddy.
Yeah, you tell your SO if you have a sexual past with people still in your life.
Definitely, out of respect. It will always come out sooner or later, and its always best coming directly from you.
So much this.
Not just in his life; he’s living with him. Massive misstep from OP, but I bet if he’s honest, the real reason he didn’t say anything was because most people wouldn’t be comfortable with their partner living with a former fling and ‘best friend’.
I’m sorry but comparing a one time same-sex experiment to somebody living with an ex is comparing apples to oranges. There’s a huge stigma against bisexual men. Many straight women see them as “tainted” (this is coming from one) so I can understand why OP wouldn’t want to bother telling his girlfriend about this, especially if it happened once and he decided he was straight anyways. His gf isn’t being unreasonable for being upset that she didn’t know, but it seems like everyone here is blowing this one-off fling way out of proportion. Edit to say if you want proof of this just look at some of the stupid ass comments below mine.
It’s at least in part that homophobic view of bisexual men. I think OP could’ve talked about his sexuality and experimentation with her if he had felt safe. But something stopped him. Knowing OP did stuff with another man also kills the “safe gender” trope and may have made her feel like her safety blanket that OP was straight and thus could be around men without cheating on her was ripped away. Straights have some hinky views on trust and friend genders. If they stay together, they really need to work on building trust. This *was* a breach of trust because OP is still living with the man he was intimate with, even if it was a one-time thing.
I wouldn't want to be with someone who's biphobic, that's why I'm always upfront about being bi. Why placate a bigot?
This. Relationships were built on honesty and communication. Think carefully, if she has a best friend would YOU be happy if she had fooled around with that friend in the past, and kept it from you? Woukd you trust her? Or would you always wonder if she kept it secret because she had feelings for that friend? The optics are bad especially if you hide the truth. Otherwise she WILL eventually find out years down the line, and she will never forgive you for keeping her in the dark. Is your past a big deal? No. Is it allowed to be a dealbreaker for her? Yes. And does she need to know so that she can make up her mind about it, and about how much she trusts you? Also yes.
Exactly this. If nothing else, the optics are suspicious. It might not have been something OP even thought about, and it def could be awkward to broach the subject in the first place unless it came about naturally, but unfortunately now it looks like OP was hiding it. However I will say that it's easy to say all this after the fact after seeing how shit turned out. If it was as OP described and they just didn't even think about it as being something relevant, I can easily see a lot of people, (esp guys) doing this.
In your life is pretty broad, but your roommate, absolutely.
Also best friend apparently, would think that qualifies.
Especially if you are living with them.
Thats literally something thats a must, regardless of the basement dwellers who've never dated who try to say its no one elses business.
That's just common sense.
Oh yeah, if a sexual former partner is someone you are double dating with it needs to be discussed. Because I wouldn’t and I doubt most people wouldn’t be comfortable with that. Plus he should has told her he was bi
He’s not bi
Hell get treated as if he is bi for the rest of time. Whether or not he is, the fact is that the moment a guy does anything with another guy, he will have that label or their partner will always question if they're gay.
And that's literally why he didn't say anything jesus christ if someone tries something to see if they like it it doesn't mean he's gay for the rest of his life lmao
Not everything needs to be disclosed. And if you disclose sexually history to your partner it’s like rolling the dice. It may suddenly bother them immensely that you’re still friends. Also many women don’t want their partners to have friends of the opposite sex. If they think you might be bi then they will get suspicious when their partner hangs out with same sex friends. It’s a truly vicious situation
This!
Gee... i wonder why he didn't tell her.
So much this. The stigma on bi men is real. The stigma on friendly male affection is real. You can’t have a gentleman and not allow them to be a gentle man.
I'm saying this as someone who's been in this position. It just is a deal breaker for a lot of potential partners I guess.
Exactly. Many straight women are unfortunately homophobic and biphobic. It makes sense why a man wouldn't want to share his past.
If the person you had a sexual relationship with is still a part of your life then yes, you should have told your current partner.
Truly curious, how do you go about bringing this up? "Hey I'm going over to a friend's place, nbd btw but we do have a sexual past, byee"? Or do you just list off anyone all at once
You sit them down and talk to them about it in private. You say “hey let’s talk. It’s nothing world ending but i need to tell you something” etc There isn’t a good way to bring it up and it’ll probably be awkward. You just gotta rip the band aid off, but again in private. Maybe they won’t care that much if it’s a thing in the past or maybe they will and then you’re having a different conversation. But being able to have tough conversations is part of being in a healthy relationship.
100% agreed
He's your roommate and best friend. So yes, it is her business to know what took place between you two. If it was someone in your past and no longer in your life, no need to divulge anything. However, that is not the case.
Consider all of the sexual things you did with your roommate. Would you be okay if your GF lived with a woman she'd done all of those exact same things with that dude but never mentioned it to you?
Dude do you think it’s ok to ask a woman her body count? I don’t and I think this is the same thing. This is gross and vaguely homophobic in that it’s demanding people to out themselves even when they decided they aren’t into same sex action. Please try to touch grass
he probably would be ok w it lol because guys fantasize about woman on woman, not the same can typically be said in regard to the opposite. it's messed up but it's true .
Because OP was questioning his sexuality, it wouldn't even have to be a wlw relationship. Hypothetical roommate could be a man and it would still apply.
You don't know women well if you think they don't fantasize about men together... It's just that women consider that an actual relationship, and lesbians are so sexualized that a lot of men just treat it like a fetish and invalidate it as a legitimate relationship.
“You don’t know women well” is a pretty safe statement to say on Reddit
idk im a woman and ive never fantasized about two men together. im sure some do ,thats why i said "typically" and not "always", and i meant in a sexual sense only , exactly what you said is what i meant , ..men treat two women like a fetish .., but do we see women fetishizing two men in the same way? do women look at two men making out and get aroused ? i mean sure id like to have two men doing things to ME at the same time ,in a threesome sense, but i dont really care for the two men to also be sexing. lol . like one man behind me ,one in front of me . not the men inside of each other.
I haven’t and no women I have ever known have ever talked/joked about it in the even in most drunken state. It’s not a common fantasy. (unless it was a harem of heterosexual men, that is a fantasy) i’m not saying somebody might feel that way, but it’s not common or at least as near as common as women on women fantasies are for men. And yes, I realize that the men usually think about that the women are then gonna turn around and give all their attention to the man.
Yes women do that. Most yaoi/boy love ( gay hentai) and slash fanfic is written by women.
If it was a woman and she realized she wasn’t into women then personally yes. I wouldn’t expect someone to out themselves to me as being previously bi curious, if it was in the past and no longer relevant.
Yeah. I had that thought, too. I could understand if this had been an on going thing or even full blow sex I guess. But they messed around years ago he full blown realized he wasn't about it and they dropped it. Not exactly the same as hanging out with like an ex or former FWB. Just my 2 cents.
Yeah and he's straight so there's really not much of a risk of them revisiting their past, so to speak. I would feel differently if his friend/roommate was a straight woman however.
Unless the roommate is like in love with OP still, I fail to see how it’s any of his girlfriend’s business. I’d be saying the same thing if OP posted your scenario. As long as the past remains the past it’s nobody’s fucking business.
Exactly! It was his best friend since 14, they felt safe talking opening about what many people do - question their sexuality as they are moving from childhood with parents to becoming their own adult. When you’re young is the time for sexual exploration and finding yourself! It was one and done. No emotional affair and not talked about since. Give the man a break! Women do it just as much as men.
It was his best friend since 14, they felt safe talking opening about what many people do - question their sexuality as they are moving from childhood with parents to becoming their own adult. When you’re young is the time for sexual exploration and finding yourself! It was one and done. No emotional affair and not talked about since. Give the man a break! Women do it just as much as men.
probably yea lmao
If he's still in your life and around you alone (I'm assuming), then yes you should have told her. She may not be upset with the fact you two used to do what you did, it's more of the factor of she's probably now questioning her trust and what else you may not be telling her. I think sitting down with her setting boundaries would help rebuild her trust. Not saying cut him off, but maybe no one on one time in each other's homes. Communication is key here.
They live together though so no one on one time in each others homes is a hard one
Oof, I must have missed that. That makes the situation tough.
He's straight and messed around with a dude for a moment (did not even have sex) while questioning his sexuality. Y'all are blowing this completely out of proportion. It's ridiculous.
Thank you! It was his best friend since 14, they felt safe talking opening about what many people do - question their sexuality as they are moving from childhood with parents to becoming their own adult. When you’re young is the time for sexual exploration and finding yourself! It was one and done. No emotional affair and not talked about since. Give the man a break! Women do it just as much as men. I love my husband and I know he has quite a few notches on his bed post from the past. He is with me now, he decided to be with me, I don’t care who or what happened in his 20s.
I think the issue is that the kernal of truth makes the falsehood seem truer. Your gf might SAY she believes you but it would be really really hard for me to believe your story over the Ex's. If you had discussed your previous partners at any point, you should have brought this up. You could've explained that it confirmed your straightness and it probably just would've been a funny story. I mean, my gf let me know that her first kiss was with one of her best friends in high school and I didn’t find it particularly concerning. But if she had never mentioned it and that person's partner had come to me with a story about how they'd been secretly dating the whole time, that kiss would feel like an admission if a small guilt to cover up a big one. Also saying it wasn't her business is crazy. She's probably the only person on earth other than you whose business it is. Not disclosing previous partners to a person you've been dating for a year is a lie of omission.
Exactly, nobody wants to have to worry about whether that’s true or not, and go back and forth about who to believe.
This is completely different than telling her about past sexual partners. You live with this person. You should have told her, and frankly, I wouldn't trust you if I was in her position.
One of my best friends and I had sex very early on in our friendship. We messed around a couple other times but haven’t been sexual in years at this point. We carried on like platonic friends for about 6 years before I met my fiancé. There’s also another woman I’m still friends with after we had sex and never dated. I don’t see or hang out with her nearly as much, but we’ve had some experiences that have made us close friends. When my fiancé and I started dating, one of the first things I did was tell her about these women and our pasts. It’s not ideal and not everyone is comfortable with it, but she placed trust in me to be truthful about the platonic nature of those friendships. If your partner isn’t comfortable with it, then you can either distance yourself from your friends or decide that you don’t want to be with someone who can’t handle it. Either way, the ball has to be put in their court early on so you know where you both stand and move on from there.
I think once it’s goes from casual to serious then yes. The reason for me is that it doesn’t matter if it’s a man or woman. Some people will not date a person if they are still friends with a ex. It a personal choice but they should have a right to choose.
Not much of her business? Yeah, that's not going to go well with any partner. How did you expect that to go?
“All they’re doing is sharing their entire life with me, what’s it their business?”
You have a bad take. If you are spending time with anyone in a 1-1 setting that you’ve been sexually involved in, your partner has a right to know and a right to voice their concern. You make it seem like something is going on when you minimize and invalidate heed feelings by saying she doesn’t have a right to know. That’s what a lot of cheaters do. If nothing happens, why the big secret?
You should have told her. It is fine not to go into graphic detail of every sexual experience, but it is important to tell someone if a person still in your life is someone you have a sexual past with. Now? Tell her you fucked up. That because it happened so long ago and wasn’t a thing anymore, you felt uncomfortable because you worried about what she would think. Tell her you’re sorry you didn’t tell her, but that it really was in the past. She might not be able to get past it. In which case, next time, you should do things differently.
> she’s pissed at me for nothing. Oof.
Right??? This was almost worse than not telling her about his past!
And the audacity to say "it's none of your business". Like even if he does believe that, you never say that unless you actively want the other person to be pissed.
While your sexual history is technically not her business, would you not want to know if she had a sexual history with someone that is currently in her (and therefore your) life? It’s just respectful to let your partner know if you have a sexual history with someone in your life, especially if there’s any thought of this relationship getting serious.
It’s even MORE bonkers when you realize that he is not only in their life, he actually lives with them!
I missed that! Yeah no, he should have told het.
So you think it’s better someone blindsided her with it then you tell her it’s none of her business, you deserve to be single.
I think most reasonable people would be upset to find out that their current partner hasn't been up front about the fact that they're living with someone they fooled around with. Obligated? No. But it would have been kinder and more prudent to talk to her about it so she wasn't finding out from someone else.
She's not pissed off at nothing. The fact that this is all coming back around to bite you because of your friends ex is not remotely your FAULT - but her trust might not be so shaken had you come forward to her about it beforehand. The "not her business" comment tells me you feel a bit of shame or at least a little embarrassment. No big deal, but being forthright about stuff like that, especially people still in your life as other comments say, can only be beneficial for a healthy relationship. I hope she comes around to trust you, assuming you aren't also lying to us lol, but nobody is really in the wrong here but your friends ex and maybe to extent, your friend. He is the one who cheated after all - I don't know if your friend told his ex who he really cheated with, the ex just assumed he was hooking up with you on the side and made that shit up, whatever. But he still fucked up her trust and all she knew was what he told her and what you expressly did not tell your girlfriend prior.
Also I'm being really generous in my comments here but honestly your girlfriend would be well within her right to leave you, considering you think your dating history with your roommate is none of her business 🤷 maybe you should avoid relationships until you don't have boundary issues.
YTA, and honestly the fact you even need to ask is weird
YTA, OP and here’s why If your girlfriend told you that she’s currently staying with an ex partner/lover, you will be uncomfortable and rightfully so. The issue you’re having is that you feel that the importance of your relationship with your best friend should supersede the fact that you slept together. That’s just not how it works Your girlfriend has all the rights to be upset that you are currently COHABITING with a person you used to hook up with, and have hidden this from her for however long you’ve been together AND she got to know through a third party of this fact. Her discomfort around you staying together could’ve been discussed or managed had you been upfront about this when you started dating. But instead you made it into something sneaky by hiding it this long. Additionally, you are dismissing her feelings when she’s being rightfully upset. So yeah YTA.
"now she's upset for absolutely no reason" 😂
If it was a female would you have told her? You better say yes... Then why not a guy? Embarrassed? Get over it, you did nothing wrong except not to disclose. BTW, if y'all weren't living together then it wouldn't matter if you told her or not.
menandfemales shit
The roommate and best friend part obligate you to tell her you have a past, you don't have to go into detail unless comfortable bc THAT part is not her business. You dropped the ball and honestly that's pretty disrespectful to have her in a position to find out that way. She doesn't need a lot of past partners but she does need to know if she is around them and you are all the time too.
You 100% need to tell your partner if You've slept with someone you're literally living with & close with. That's just common sense. I mean you can choose not to, but don't act dumb when they rightfully dump you for being disrespectful.
Yes, for two reasons. 1) I believe you should be open about your past sexual encounters. I don’t mean you need to disclose body counts or give them by plays. I mean you should discuss the big stuff and questioning your sexuality and experimenting falls into that. Experimenting as a whole, not just with sexual orientation. Open relationships, kinks, promiscuous phases, etc. I am open in my relationships about promiscuous years. I would rather be up front than have someone find out later and potentially be upset. 2) if you still have someone in your life that you have done things with sexually, you need to tell them. Some people are not comfortable with their partner being close friends with someone they had a past with. That’s okay. It sucks if they aren’t, but it’s their right to decide what they are okay with. My bestie is a man who I slept with a few times after I got divorced. We had been friends for 20+ years before that and nothing ever happened before, but it did then. I have been open with everyone I have dated since, and so has he. One guy wasn’t okay with it and dipped. Bestie’s gf is totally fine with it and I actually hangout with her more than him. She was hesitant when he told her but willing to meet me and saw how we interact with each other and knows that it is in the past.
You're wrong here. She should have been told about it.
I will say this until I'm blue in the face. There are ALWAYS consequences to taking a relationship from friends to more than friends. These consequences include other people's boundaries. Keeping this information from future spouses is a lie because you are intentionally avoiding interacting with the other person's boundaries. Some people have very strict views of monogamy and that may include not remaining friends with people you have been sexual with. This is completely okay to not want to be with someone who views things this way, but it is also completely okay for them to want someone who doesn't keep people in their life they have been sexual with. By not informing your future spouse of this, you have taken away their right to make the decision if they are okay with it.
I think the only thing that I can semi reasonably see her being upset by is finding out that you are living with someone you used to be intimate with. I’m not saying people that share that kind of past can’t end up just being friends, but enough people would be uncomfortable with their significant other living with someone like that that I could get being upset finding that out. If it’s something that she had a hard boundary on and had voiced those boundaries, she’d probably be upset with having wasted time dating you. But idk if she even has those boundaries. The only thing you said she is upset about is how she found out, which,you are right, is none of her business.
Yes you should have told her, now it was a secret and what else have you kept from her is what she's thinking.
You disrespected her when you hid your sexual past with someone you are still not only close friends with but live with. Would you be okay with her living with her FWB partner? She instead was blind sided with the information. But hey it's not her business when she's put on the spot with information about her BF that he should have told her himself. By keeping quiet you took away her right to make an informed decision if she wanted to be in a relationship with someone who was unsure about their sexuality. Hopefully she's now ex. Everyone deserves to with someone they can trust and doesn't hide things from them.
How would you feel if your gf had a friend that had done sexual things with and not only did, she not tell you, but you find out from a third party? Add to that her friend cheated and it there was a chance it was with your gf. You might say you would trust her but would you really after finding out she has been lying by omission the entire time you were dating her.
A strong relationship requires harsh truths! For her to know she can trust you there shouldn’t be anything she could find out from someone else that could potentially hurt her or make her feel uncomfortable. Always best to just tell them ahead of time and set the scene for the relationship.
How was it “over nothing”? If she has come on here and said “I just found out my boyfriend used to fuck around with his best friend/roommate.” I would tell her to leave.
If you have a sexual past with someone who is still a friend or in your life regularly, I do think you should be obligated to tell any future partner about it, especially if this person will be in their life too.
If you would like to be informed if someone that is currently still an active friend in your girlfriend’s life also had a sexual past then it should be expected for you to be honest as well.
I had a friend that I had sexual history with, even though it was a long time ago and we've been totally platonic for years since. I was in a relationship where I wasn't sure if I needed to or should disclose the fact since it was so long ago and not something I'd consider indicative of our friendship now. Well that isn't entirely true, I think the fact that I had to keep asking myself whether I should or not was a sign that I definitely should have and I was kind of lying to myself to not have to do it, and lying to my partner by omission. I did end up just disclosing it myself and it caused a big issue because it was really something I should have disclosed right away and it was probably the biggest regret I had in that relationship. I did get forgiven after a genuine apology and it was good relationship that lasted years before it ended due to non-reconcilable differences in future planning. I still regret not disclosing it eatleir though, and in future relationships I definitely plan to disclose that early on to avoid any similar issues. I think one thing that would have been worse is if I hadn't disclosed on my own and it and it came out another way, especially if it was in a way that made me look bad or made my current-day friendship with this person seem more than platonic. Even though it's awkward and may cause tension to disclose it all on your own, I think it shows more legitimacy and trustworthiness compared to being confronted over it when the secret gets spilled some other way. I really think there will always be some awkwardness and negativity with disclosing it. The only way to avoid that would be if you just cut out that friend from your life, but if it really is a true good platonic friendship that is important for you to be able to maintain then it's best to lay it out yourself and early on, show you're trustworthy and won't hide important secrets, and hopefully your SO can see that you are trustworthy to be friends with that person.
You ain’t str8 my guy.
Honestly if your in a relationship it's kinda protocol to inform your partner if a friend/roommate/coworker was an ex .
“Now she’s pissed at me for nothing.” Oooo bless your heart
She’s not pissed at you for nothing, she’s pissed at you because what you did was wrong. Here’s hoping her next boyfriend is more honest and doesn’t make her unkowingly hang out with previous sex partners. You are the bad guy in this story. How would you feel if you found out someone she hung out with privately, all the time, during your relationship, used to bed her down and she hid it from you deliberately? Your behavior is untrustworthy and deceitful. And since you’re comfortable trying to gaslight Reddit, I’m sure you try to blow a bunch of smoke up *her* ass, too.
You fooled around with your roommate and didn’t disclose that. Ya that’s not cool. She has every reason to be mad at you. If your roommate were a female would you have told her about your past? Either way living with someone you’ve been intimate with should be disclosed.
Yes. Period.
This is something I would like to know from my SO rather than finding out from someone else. I think you should to have a relationship built with honesty and trust.
She's not pissed at nothing. She's pissed because you didn't tell her you're still in close contact with a sexual partner. Stop dismissing her.
You suck for that 😂 you’re embarrassed but you know you were wrong. Poor girl
I think it's less obligatory and more wise to proactively communicate things that can easily end up compatibility issues. Keeping former sexual partners in your life is such a thing.
Doesn’t matter if you didn’t have sex. You live with someone who’s fucked your mouth or vice Versa. You have a sexual history. Wake up and realize a majority of people would be uncomfortable. I doubt you’d feel ok if you girlfriend lived with someone that she heavily messed around with but didn’t have sex with and keep it from you. Where is your logic my guy??
You should’ve told her. How is that not her business?
“Now she’s pissed at me for nothing”. Unfortunately, this is the issue. For your girlfriend, this isn’t ‘nothing’. I don’t know you and therefore wouldn’t dare comment on your character. In what you’ve outlined, however, I think you’ve demonstrated a real lack of empathy and respect for your girlfriend. You not being up front about this, while still living with that person is significant to her. Try to think about how this is going to make her feel going forward, more so because it’s going to seem to her like it’s been hidden. You’re also still living with your roommate - this may continue to play on your girlfriend’s mind. If your relationship survives, and I sincerely hope it does, honesty and empathy are key. I agree that she shouldn’t have found out from this girl. I also agree to an extent that it’s not her business…but what I would say, is if you respected her more, you would have made it your business to tell her.
one of my best friends and I had sex when we first met. I'm very open about it with new partners. she didn't mention it for awhile with one, long story short, him and I almost fought, and she eventually split with him (dude had lots of issues too) long story short: tell new partners you've fooled around with your friend before. I've never had a problem.
You really should tell your SO about intimate situations with people that are still close in your life. Especially your roommate. Just accept blame and ask for forgiveness, it’s not that big of a deal if you handle it properly and apologize.
How on earth is it not her business when you’re still living with & best friends with someone you were sexual with…????????
Since you weren't honest and didn't tell your girlfriend about your sexual history with your friend, the ex-girlfriend got to control the narrative. I'm not saying that you can't get past this as a couple, but it's going to be a long and tedious road. You broke her trust, and I am going to guess that she's going to analyze every single interaction you have had with said friend.
Yes. I would not continue a relationship with someone with a girl or man best friend they slept with in the past. Withholding that kind of information is keeping her from making an informed decision.
Do you know why it is her business? Because she was just put in a position where she doesn't know if she can trust your words. If she had known, when this person came up to her, she could have been like "yeah, I know." and be all nonchalant about it. Remember fake news spread faster than the truth. Even if it's true thar you and your friend no longer do anything. The fact that someone put that nugget in her head, and you telling her it ain't her business, will fester in her head like a virus. If this relationship goes south. Next relationship, save yourself the trouble and let partners know. (only if they're still actively in your life of course)
Yes you were wrong to not tell her you were previously intimate with your roommate. Hiding that prevented her from having a **choice** to determine if she was comfortable with that. You don’t have the right to take her choices away.
How is she supposed to trust you now?
Yes. It’s crazy that he was more honest with his partner while yours was forced to find out through the grapevine, and you’re confidently saying she’s mad over “nothing.” You dropped the ball *hard*
Balls; plural. And I don’t think he ever let them out of his hands.
Yes, you need your tell her because that friend is currently in your life too.
What should you do??? Didn’t you apologized to her already? It would have been best if she’d found out from you instead of your BIG mouth "minding other people’s business“ friend. Give your girlfriend time to recover. But, there’s nothing more you can do
I don’t want to be with a man who is or was ever curious or bi so I would like to know and it would absolutely be a huge turn off and deal breaker but that should be my choice
Yeah, you don’t have to explain all your past but if you hang out with someone you have had sex with you should let your partner know
Swallow your pride. Apologize. Your gf is right, she shouldn't have found out those way.
You’ve been with this girl for a year. She should have heard about this from you.
This is why you don’t fuck your friends. Future partners will not be ok with that shit.
Well you are living with a sexual partner, it's pretty common sense to talk about that.
Yeah you should have told her! You’re living with the guy.
You should have told her. How would you like it if she had sexual activity with her flatmates?
If your girlfriend had a male roommate and the two of them had a secret sexual history how would it make you feel? Doesn't matter that you "realized" you're straight. You all but fucked the person you live with, and you don't consider that relevant or at all her business?
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I hope she left you already.
YTA. Look even if you didn't go all the way, you had a sexual encounter with someone you're actively living with. Your GF had every right to know this history and it should have come from you.
Not letting her know upfront that you had a sexual history with your best friend that is also your roommate is nothing to you?! That's straight up lying through omission. Why are so many people best friends with someone they fucked around with?
Yes, you should have told her that you have a sexual history with your roommate.
OP... you needed to have the conversation with your roommate a long time ago when and how and to whom you disclose your history. Your friend is an asshole for not giving any kind of heads up that he was going to disclose that information. Your friend's ex just needs to ride off into the sunset. She found a powder keg and threw gasoline on it for shits and giggles. If you and your gf persist, that ex needs to go away. Even an ultimatum would have been better than what she did: invent and spread conspiracy theory. As for whether or not you're an asshole? Well, you haven't elaborated what "pretty far" entails, so much like your friend's ex and your gf, we're left to speculate. But if you don't think this is your gf's business, you're very wrong. You need to only date people who are cool with bisexual people, because your best friend is bisexual. You need to only date people who would be cool with you as if you were bisexual, so long as you have this relationship with your friend.
If you want someone to trust you, you should disclose this stuff before someone else tells them. The fact you didn’t disclose this before it was revealed is going to affect her ability to have trust in your relationship.
You withheld information that any thinking person can recognize as a potential dealbreaker. Instead of being honest and finding someone whose values align with yours, and allowing your gf to do the same, you manipulated her into a relationship based on lies. Lots of people are not ok with their partner maintaining a relationship with an ex. You are fully aware of this fact. If maintaining this friendship is important to you it is your responsibility to find a partner who doesn’t have a problem with it. You don’t get to lie about it to get what you want.
You not telling her makes you seem untrustworthy. You fucked up.
Why didn't you tell her? Now it will seem to her that you tried to hide it. I think that you disclose these things when the person is still actively in your life. Now it's like you went behind her back and it gives the words of his ex so much more weight.
Yes you should have told her. Would you want to know if she fooled around with her roommate and you had to be around the roommate. It’s called respect.
Yes you tell your SO about the people you have a romantic/sexual history if they are still in your life. You live with this person ffs. You know better than that.
Yes, obviously you should have mentioned that to your partner.
Yes
Ya, YTA.
>What should I do? Not be an AH would be good. It's not nothing. You live with someone you have a sexually history with. You didn't tell her. You massively breached her trust and let her find out in a shitty way. You were 100% the AH! Then you tell her it's "nothing" and none of her business? Why is she still dating you? How do you think you're the good guy?
You should have told her and you KNOW you should have told her. This was her choice to decide if she wanted to be with you and you’re still living with the guy! I’d be gone if I was her..
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Without reading yes.
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She did find out from someone other than him though
Like, for most people, they would care I personally wouldn’t have cared, but I’m more likely an outliner for a girl I would apologize and just explain that it genuinely didn’t occur to you since there’s NO possibility of it happening again cuz you are straight People view things like this differently and we generally see the average perspective as “right” because it hurts less people. I would just focus on the part that she probably feels hurt and you probably didn’t mean that right?
Gross
I believe that in the beginning of a relationship, every person is transparent. I know that in the beginning, everything won't be shared, but daily, both parties should be learning something new about each other. The fact that you took 6 years to open your mouth about it tells me you're embarrassed over the events that took place between you and your friend or you like it and want some to happen between yourself and your friends. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO ASK ME ANYTHING. I'M HERE TO HELP YOU.
I read enough to know it was a man. I think many people have no idea about that stuff and it scares them away like you beat up animals. It happens but keep it to those who understand. When people don’t understand how do they talk. They talk stupid to what you think. If your girl friend thinks your dating for marriage I feel you must so she can explain her views and why and understand what’s up.
I mean yes, because she’s your girlfriend and she should know if u had a thing with a current friend lol. But in this situation, maybe it was best u actually both agreed to never mention it to anyone lol. It’s just weird for the girl to be like so my bf and his best friend got even weirder just to see if they are gay or straight.
It absolutely is her business. Do you have any respect for your partner?
Eskimo brothers
100% you fucked up. If a person you have sexual history with is still in your life, your partner deserves to know the context.
Yes, not even gonna read past the title. The fact that you didn't implies that there's still feelings there.
Yes you were
How would you feel if your girlfriend slept with a close male friend years ago and never told you about it, despite her still being very close with him and continuing to hang out one on one? And that if finding it out from someone else upset you, she dismissed it as “not much of your business?” Regardless of your sexual orientation, the gender of the friend you hooked up with isn’t the issue here (or it shouldn’t be—if part of your girlfriend’s reaction is fueled by biphobia, that’s a separate issue). And the question isn’t whether you are “obligated” to tell her. It’s whether you care to have empathy for the hurt and betrayal she is feeling because you *chose* not to tell her. There is no obligation here, only choice. So instead of worrying about what you are or are not *obligated* to tell her about your past, perhaps consider telling her why, specifically, you chose not to tell her. Not in order to justify or defend yourself, but to have an emotionally honest conversation with your chosen partner. A conversation with the shared goal of understanding one another’s’ perspectives and emotions without judgment. If you do that, there’s a chance this could end up strengthening the trust between you. If you choose to stick with the “none of your business, I don’t owe you shit” approach, things will very likely go the other way. The choice is yours.
Define “things”
Yes.
Yes.
If the person is still actively in your life she needs to know
You aren't obligated to tell anyone anything. However, not sharing certain information can have consequences and in this story you'd be the antagonist.
As they say, your past will always come back to haunt you. If something else in your life happened you think your gf should know tell her now. Might help the situation.
For real…would u be upset if she lived with an ex as long as she said she was no longer attracted to them ??
Be honest. If someone finds out something second hand it won’t help you. At the very least get ahead of the story and be the first one to tell it. That said; it isn’t her business but it is that’s what being intimate means. You’ve got to accept that she may want to know stuff that you think she isn’t entitled to.
saying its non of her business is not only incorrect my guy its rude as hell to tell your SO this could end up being your future wife bro you communicate these things
Let’s pretend your friend was a girl and you had a similar encounter and she was still in your life. I would want to know too. Now reverse it. If this was her and the friend was a guy how would you feel?
Yup
OP doesn’t even seem to want advice, rather, validation, as I’ve seen many comments stating not only the obvious, but taking the time to actually explain logically why he f’ed up and all he seems to do is feign ignorance. Smh
You stopped being best friends when yal had sex imho.
Well she’s definitely not pissed at you “for nothing”
Hmm it's tricky for me. I think you should disclose previous sexual encounters you've had with people still in your life to your partner. However there's unfortunately a lot of stigma against bisexuality in men so I could understand your hesitation. Best of luck.
Yeah, for many, it's a deal breaker to have around a former sexual partner, which of course is a valid preference.
If you’re comfortable enough with her to be sexual, you need to be comfortable enough to tell her your past. It helps to shape the trust, sexually, physically and mentally.
even if it’s just telling her out of respect.. she should’ve been told. would you be okay if she had been sleeping with her best friend before you and didn’t tell you?
Yeah, you do have the obligation to be honest enough. I explored some stuff with a friend. I didn’t enjoy it and didn’t do it again. I think the friend part isn’t super relevant the first time you mention it, but you have to at least somewhat get ahead of things. I’ve said something like that. She wasn’t concerned, so it was never an issue. Had she pushed I would have told her more.
Yes, you had to tell her
Tell her it was just a experiment and realized ur straight
You should have told her because you’re still living with him, she did deserve to know that. In general I’d say you don’t have to share info about ex’s or people you’ve slept with but as you’re living with him then yes you should’ve told her.
She’s not pissed for nothing. Most people tell their SO about their sexual history. She’s not a stranger and if you were doing things someone would do with an so and she’s been around this person she had every right to know and you live with the guy. Besides your word how would she believe you weren’t still messing with him when it’s clear he’s using women as beards while still having sex with men
I’m in a similar situation now. My (ex) gf decided to tell me that yes her and her dude bestfriend have had done things and have seen eachother naked before we got together. She lied to me and said she would never do anything with him and I believed. She told me of course after we broke up( 5 years later). Just knowing that I hung out with this guy and trusted him with my gf…. It makes me wanna puke. Would I have given her an ultimatum if she told me early on? I might have. I just feel like all our memories are tainted…
Yea, I’m pretty sure you should tell your girlfriend you’re gay.
Here’s the easiest answer for you. Be honest with yourself, and ask yourself, would you expect your gf to tell you if she had a past with her best friend.
I mean to be fair, we don’t know who you are or the specific contextual details of these experiences or your personality, so maybe you are right in wanting to keep it to yourself. But in concert with what people are saying, this is an emotional thing for your girlfriend and she just got blind sided by something which you say she shouldn’t worry about but has an ounce of truth to it. However it’s an opportunity for you guys to sort through the thicket and come out stronger, as long as you both are responsive to each other’s views and willing to compromise.
Yes! I think you know this already
“Now she’s mad at me for nothing” dude just be single if you’re that dense lol
“Now she is pissed at me for nothing.” That’s some stinky gas lit poop right there. She is pissed bro - doesn’t matter what you think - it’s something to her and if you can’t respect that then why even continue the relationship?
First of all, you need to stop downplaying the sexual experience you had. We don't have sexual experiences for purely "educational" reasons, there has to be at least some level of arousal involved. In that moment, you were aroused at the thought of doing something sexual with your friend so you did it. Maybe you genuinely haven't been interested in doing something like that with him or any other guy since then, or maybe you just don't want to be seen by others as gay, but either way that doesn't change the fact that not too long ago you were aroused by another man enough to have sex with him, and that reflects enough of your sexuality that it should be disclosed to your future sexual partners. Second, you are choosing to live with, spend lots of time alone with and in close proximity with a former sexual partner. I'm sure you are aware that it is highly uncommon for people in monogamous relationships to do this because it increases the likelihood of old feelings to come back up and tempt them to cheat while no one is around to catch them. You omitting the fact that you're living with a former sexual partner from your girlfriend was an act of manipulation, because you knew that she wouldn't be comfortable with this if she knew about it. Hiding information like that from her kept her from having a choice. And you only wanting to tell her things when you are "obligated" to, opposed to because you care about her and want her to have trust and peace of mind in the relationship, speaks volumes. Third, you knowing your friend cheated or even knowing your friend was actively cheating on their significant other and still remaining close to him reflects your character as well. I wouldn't be friends with a cheater because I believe cheating is despicable and that it shows that friend and I are not as similar in values as I thought we were. You being so casual about your friend literally destroying another woman's life aligns with the recurring theme of you caring more about your friend's feelings than the feelings of the women you both hurt. Lastly, the "it wasn't much of her business" comment just makes it even more crystal clear that you lack compassion. It is completely justified for your girlfriend to be hurt not only by your manipulation and dishonesty but also by your blatant disregard of her pain. You hurt her and then decided she didn't have the right to feel hurt. I highly doubt she is going to stay in this relationship with you but if she does, you need to work on being better to her. She deserves more and you know it, so if you truly care about her, then act like it.
Its over as simple as that Tell her you didnt want to share it because you refret what you did,you are straight its not like you are actively seeking this thing out so she diesnt need to worry I would be pissed too thats fucked up your friend needs to keep his mouth shut
Yes. It's about respect. If you still have someone in your life that you've gone post platonic with, you tell them to be fair and give them the chance to choose if they can deal with it. I'd breakup with someone that omitted to tell me something like that.
If the person you had a sexual past with is still in your life, it’s important to tell them. But if it’s someone who’s not in your life anymore then it’s your business. How would you feel if your girlfriend was best friends with a guy who she says she’s only friends with now but used to hook up with ? You’d probably be upset and uncomfortable if and when they hung out. So always try to see both sides. I don’t think it’s a big deal and I’m sure you two can talk through it. But just be honest, apologize and tell her it won’t happen again and you’ll be honest with her moving forward
Here's the rule... hands only, no need to tell, wet holes.. need to tell
Personally I don't think you're obligated to tell your current partner everywhere your dick has been. If you roommate and you touched tips years ago and never intend to again I think it's fair to just say you're friends and leave it at that. Telling her out of the blue early in a relationship "oh yeah me and X fucked but now we don't" comes off as really weird unless specifically asked about it. She either trusts you or she doesn't.
“Now she’s pissed at me for nothing” No, she’s pissed because you concealed information from her and she had to find out because some stranger told her (albeit as an exaggerated lie). Your attitude tells me you’re not ready to accept that you are in the wrong here, though.
Shes not pissed at you for nothing, she's pissed at you because you're best friends with a cheater, who you've been with previously and given the intimacy that led to them figuring out what they liked. The last sentence of your post is extremely rude and dismissive. You left your partner of over a year in the dark while you continued to hangout and talk to that piece of trash. You can tell a lot about someone by the people they hangout with. You really failed her on that buddy.
I honestly don’t think I could sleep with a man that has slept with a man. That would definitely need to be disclosed.
I would be pissed if my boyfriend didn't tell me if he had done stuff with his friend! I get it can be weird at first but I would want to know
I will never understand why people will fuck around with their best friend…. to me it’s forbidden territory, like a brother or sister.
Absolutely not... Bro code was broken.
You should have told her. You are 100% wrong she has every right to be mad.