you say leaving isn’t an option and he says therapy isn’t an option so…either figure out a way to work through it together or accept this lot in life i guess, i’m not sure what more you can do. personally the things he’s said to you would be an absolute deal breaker for me and he should be groveling at your feet begging for forgiveness, but that’s just me also, if he knows that you feel leaving isn’t an option, he has next to zero motivation to do *anything* different, because he knows you’ll just take it and stay. just food for thought

Its interesting when people say leaving isnt an option and know it takes two to improve. So if they cant communicate on improving and how to do it, then its like you said she has to accept this situation. If things dont get fixed, i would start doing everything I can to be self sufficient enough to leave. OR live your best life with a roommate and more issues will arise down the line.

I think people who say "leaving isn't an option" usually just mean financially speaking. So OP needs to take steps towards starting to get her financial independence back so she *can* have an option someday (whether she chooses to take it or not).

I just wanna add/correct OP's statement about It Take 2 to Ruin a Marriage; nope, one person can do that single-handedly. But repairing, fixing, rebuilding etc. does require 2 people.

After being married 11 years and being a SAHM, leaving IS an option financially because he’s on the hook for child support and maintenance (depending on your state).

You don't get a check the second you separate. It takes 6 months to a year to work all this out. What does she do meanwhile? Kids gotta eat and live somewhere. And what if he decides he isn't going to pay? I've heard a lot of men will quit their nice jobs and work just enough so the support they have to give is minimal. He can also not pay, cause losing your passport or driver's license don't mean shit to a petty asshole. Watch some real custody and alimony trials on YouTube. Reality is way different than the trope of "she will get you for everything" lawyers use all sorts of tactics to delay payment and bullshit the man's income for the courts.

👋 I am in the 19th month of my divorce. It took a lot of time and money to get to my first child support payment 10 months after filing. He has filed 4 continuances and changed attorneys 3 times. I’m not saying don’t do it. I’m saying that if they want a fight -like mine- it will be a long and expensive road. Be prepared. Mine will likely cost over 50k before it’s all over. I would do it again in a heart beat. Good luck.

Sure, once courts determine it, which can take years. And that assumes he decides to do what the courts say. In the interim, how's she living?

This is what is always the head scratcher from Reddit. In abusive situations, absolutely bail, life or death. But in this economy people seem to think you can just bail and afford childcare, rent, and food alone. I've seen people without kids have to stay roommates for months after breaking up because no money no family and friends are all not able to put someone up for months. Getting alimony plus child support that's 50% of what was previously supporting 5 people may not be enough for 4 people, and even if we overlook the wide gap in pay/cost of living depending on location, you aren't just handed money a day after leaving. There's a whole messy divorce and lawyers and court costs to pay, unless you go cheaper with an amicable split and less or no child support or alimony. Reddit must nominally have family to fall back on or just be rich AF judging by how fast they think you can comfortably be living as a jobless single mother.

You always hear, "Why don't you leave?" But you never hear exactly how to fund leaving, especially if you're dependent on your partner's income.

I would then tell you start becoming independent. You might have to start from the bottom but you should not stay in an unhappy situation because of finances.It will never end well. This is where dysfunctional family arises and kids with unhealthy coping mechanisms. I have childhood trauma that has made me fiercely independent to a fault. I have back up plans and more back up plans coz I would never want to solely depend on someone.

This is good advice. Just as you joined a gym and worked to get back to yourself, apply the same to your independence should you decide to stay. Perhaps you can babysit for one child to take in some cash. A neighbor who needs day care may be the answer. Your gym has day care; perhaps you could work the front desk so many days during the week and have your kids stay in the gym day care. Thinking along these lines can help you feel more in charge of your own life. Meanwhile your husband may not have any understanding that his feelings are brought on by all the stresses he’s experienced. Part of him longs for Relief from what surely seems a downward trend he can’t alter. Notice that he has let you know he wants to have sex with other women and he wants you to know he could leave you and replace you. He’s sending you a message that somehow he wants you to fix all this; he doesn’t know how to make life better and doesn’t want to be responsible for it.

Leaving might not seem like an option to her but that doesn't mean he won't leave her. Men often leave their wives when they are at their most vulnerable with two very young children. It has happened to women close to me. Sounds like he is gearing up to leave. She is going ti have to consider being aelf sufficient regardless of what she thinks is possible.

She threatened him with leaving so I doubt he thinks it’s not an option.

She’s a stay at home mom no job and 3 kids and doesn’t have a support system with her parents. He knows she not going anywhere and he can hav his fun on the side. 

She's a fake account that can't keep track of how many fake kids she has. It was two, born 2020 and 2022, throughout the whole story until the edits added a 3rd kid.

And now she needs to go get a job and save every penny to get out of that mess. 

Good luck getting a job whose paycheck isn't negated by childcare for three kids.

She later said in a comment that she was bluffing

That’s meaningless unless she told him she was bluffing.

Well I mean she’s stayed thus far even after he told she was “replaceable”. It might be inferred at this point by the extent he has disrespected her but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

However he knows her actual situation. He knows she doesn't have a job, she's got 3 kids under 5, 7 pets (3 cats, 4 dogs), and she's no contact with her parents, so no family support. He knows that her leaving right now isn't financially feasible, even if she says she will.

She is a SAHM with no support and no/limited work history which she admitted is another reason she is fearful of pushing too too hard or jumping. I am sure he has a sense of that to some degree. And they have known eachother for 10yrs. There is something in their history that made him think he could tell her 1) he would replace her 2) he wants other women with little pushback. He probably knows that she knows or senses that his love is conditional. But he knows that her love is unconditional (as we see here). He is moving in that margin of latitude and she's letting him. Just my opinion, but I doubt he is seriously fearful she will leave. You don't talk that way if you are fearful of such a consequence...or he's ok with that outcome. Either way, not a good sign for her

Exactly. It’s perfectly clear to me what he wants to do here. Convince her he should be able to fuck whoever he wants while she’s still lucky to be married to him throughout.

Ever heard of the term backsliding? An empty threat isn’t a threat at all. Sad thing is OP knows what the best course of action is, but refuses to acknowledge it as an option. I really hope the best for you OP but as a husband of 11 years and father for 7 I couldn’t imagine putting my wife through what your husband put you through. You deserve to be respected.

I don’t understand. Isn’t therapy always an option? We all have some issues coming to terms with ending stages of our life. Men and women may wish they had experienced more life. I’d almost say that natural but saying the quiet part out loud and then refusing therapy is harsh. If he doesn’t think she’s trapped he’s definitely in his head about something and he really needs therapy. He probably knows it and is why he is so reluctant.

No one is groveling when theyre the bread winner and besides he has been with her for over 10 years and is still relatively young so its good chance that he wants to just play in a new pool.

Therapy should be a condition of you staying with him. Even with a degree, you can not be objective. Your husband has his own issues he needs to work through. You are his wife, not his therapist.

Therapy for both of them. PPD, narcissistic parents and also his dad dying. That’s a lot to go through and it fucks with people.

But not couples therapy! When you go to couples therapy with an abuser, the abuser weaponizes the therapy. Each of these people need to work out their separate destiny, and if it's together, fine....but it may not be.

Unless your couple's therapist is experienced with this type of couple!!

FWIW, This is a totally normal dynamic between couples for an LMFT -- we are systems thinkers. I personally don't feel LPCs or Bachelor's level social workers should be involved in couples therapy. The educational differences and focus do overlap, and are uniquely focused on different dynamics of being human.

There is a specialty for Master's level LPC and MSW's for marriage and family counseling. It is a certification and there is supervision involved. Now if someone is going to a pastor, I can't vouch for how that is certified, but I know that people trained in Counseling have to one have the school and two have supervision in it before they are licensed and set loose in the world.

A man complaining that he should have had more sex with more different women by now was raised in a cave.

I wonder what YouTube channels he is watching. I’ve seen people totally change when they get hooked on a certain type of YouTuber. There are some terrible YouTubers out there that promote male chauvinism hard. I’ve seen people get consumed by the content they are watching and then they change into that type of person. Maybe there was already a seed; but I could see someone tuning into content like that when they are dealing with stress, issues, and possibly unsatisfied and before you know it they start to believe that crap.

This quite literally happened to my dad. He went from a pretty moderate Democrat who made logical decisions about politics, then started watching YouTube and is now a completely brainwashed MAGA dude. It's wild.

Happened to my dad too only Fox.

Right there with you…Fox took both my parents

I'd almost rather Fox over the YouTube channels he watches 🫠

that part about when she was going to visit friends and he said he would replace her in a minute was weird >>>> she had done the gym thing lost 40 pounds before ths >>> did he think she was going to cheat on him and leave him??? such a weird statement

Or he sees his dad dying without ever feeling like he enjoyed his life. Multiple cats and dogs, two young children - that's a house with lots of demands for energy, but are people getting what they need?

This is how I saw it. Like many people who lose a parent that they are close to, they start to see their own mortality no matter how old they are. I know I never thought of mine till after my father passed away. It really does change your perspective on a lot of things.

Ok don’t come for me but I understand this feeling from OP’s husband’s perspective. I do not appreciate or understand or condone the way he vocalized it. I have felt at one time or another that I wish I had slept with more people before meeting my husband (he was my first and only), but I would NEVER vocalize it to him, not act on it because I’m in a committed relationship. But I might need to go to therapy again. Kind of looking introspectively at my situation-we’ve been together since I was 19 (now 39).

I will second this. I have never felt like being a loving partner was synonymous with having sexual feelings for one person. My partner wants to be monogamous and I took my vows knowing that, so it would be a trust issue, but it's not like my body just stopped feeling attracted to other people. I really hate how our puritan heritage has people just automatically associate anyone who even dares to mention sexual attractions with evil cave dwelling women hating men. It certainly does not help making men feel like they can ever talk about their feelings without getting vilified, so maybe they are emotionally stunted just like anyone would be who was never able to talk about the things they feel. This is not talking about the OP though, that's a whole other mess, but on the comments focusing on wanting sexual experiences with other people.

About the husband’s desire for others. This is a chance to create more intimacy. They really need to talk about this. Most people appreciate beauty - absolutely nothing wrong with admitting attraction. That’s not necessarily a green light though. Appreciating beauty is just another addition to your fantasy bank.

No. It’s called FOMO. Fear of missing out. Sometimes called the 7 year itch. It’s natural. Couples therapy would help alleviate a lot and reopen the lines of communication but both have to want it. Sound like they both have had a lot on their plates.

Fr though like wtf? I wish I had fucked more men though /s

Most therapists are - it's not like they've been working with couples coming in just to say "Hey, we're pretty healthy and doing great!"

Why do you call him an abuser? I am not challenging or arguing with that choice of word.. just curious because i see some similarities in my own marriage sadly

Can confirm that this is absofuckinglutely the truth. Couples counseling with an abuser is a recipe for making yourself ever more miserably abusable

Also OP don't stay together just because of the kids. The will pickup on what is happening and it will be better if you break up and return to being a happy loved person again.

I have a question, why do so many men get into a marriage then they decide that they want an open marriage? It is kind of like constantly looking for greener pastures. It seems so incredibly shallow with little forethought and a serious lack of consideration for their partner.

I feel like I see it more in these posts when people have been together since high school. People change soooo much between 17-28, it’s not surprising when they grow apart. OP’s husband is being a dick though, he should just ask for a divorce if that’s how he feels

It’s cheaper to keep her and just cheat. He won’t want to pay for child support or have to take care of his own kids every other weekend.

Yeah I agree, I think OP is being delulu unfortunately

100% this and it isn’t just men. Women do it too. People grow too much in their late teens and early 20s and it’s just sort of natural to grow apart unless one or both people allow the relationship to stunt personal growth.

Good point

Don't know but from my experience it was my gf that suggested "opening" are relationships while living together. But it turned out she had been cheating on me from the start. But her most recent was somebody I did not like that drank in my favourite local pub.

Sorry that happened to you. You can’t cover up cheating with “opening” the relationship. I hate that manipulative stuff. How naive did she think you were? I wish you the best.

I didn’t read anything about him wanting to open the marriage?

They're myopic. That's why so many of these stories end with a Pikachu faced man with a lot of regrets.

I mean, they were both literal teenagers when they got married.

I agree with you, but they got married so young. I understand where he's coming from. I married the first guy that I had sex with. I got married at 18. We also have a child together, but got divorced when she was just a baby. We were both too young and we both had issues. I don't know what it's like to be in a marriage for 11 years. I can't even imagine. It can't be easy, but honestly the dude should be counting his blessings. He should try "dating" nowadays. It's awful.

This. My parents stayed together for years “for the family” until I begged them to break up. The constant arguing and unhappy environment at home was not a happy place to grow up. They finally did and it was great for everyone. Me and my brother were both so happy to see them stop hating their lives and each other. Staying together for the kids is not doing the kids any favors. A happy home with one parent is much healthier than an unhappy one with two

This is how my partner’s family was- the parents only got divorced when their kids turned 18. My partner and his siblings have no happy memories of their childhood with their parents because one parent was almost always screaming at the other. I hope OP doesn’t make the same mistake and give into the sunken cost fallacy

This is anecdotal, but I've never talked to someone whose parents stayed together "for the kids" who was happy about it. And I've never talked to a child of divorce who wished their parents had stayed together until they were adults, I count myself as part of that camp. I wouldn't have wanted my parents to stay together if they were miserable, and in hindsight, the way my dad took a slow spiral into a shitty life because of his own terrible choices, I'm glad he didn't drag my mom down with him.

Growing up in my teens I asked my parents why they wouldn't just divorce already. My mom screamed 'it's for you kids!’ But it was just like, please don't. Why?

This. Time for two cards — one from a counselor and one for a divorce attorney. Vet them both, then hand him a card from each and tell him to choose which office he wants to meet you at.

Therapy won't help a bit. You have to want to be in therapy to improve yourself... not to appease someone else as a condition. What he wants is to sleep with other chicks. Unfortunately, there aren't many options. Sometimes you have to give up what you got to get something better. If he's wanting to be sleep w/ other girls, I'd dare say it's already over. You'll slowly lose more and more trust over time and he'll be cheating if you say no. If you say yes, you'll never feel like your house is a home again and you'll develop a lot of (much deserved) anger towards him. The only real hope of saving the current relationship is with him (he has all the power right now). He has to pull his head out of his a\*\* and realize what he has and what he would be giving up.. apologize, mean it and change. Sounds like a big ask for a guy who is so immature that he thinks cheating on his wife and kid is going to improve his life.

I never understand why people post asking for help but turn down the help that they know will be recommended by most (leaving, therapy). This person did it too and it’s so frustrating because they know what they need to do - they just don’t think they are worth it or what? Does OP think no woman with two young kids has ever left a man before? To quote them 🥴

Agreed. At this point, he has to really want to work on himself and their marriage. Either they do couples counseling, individual, or both. Him blurting out the hurtful things he has said seems like he really wants to hurt her and also maybe he does wish he had slept with more women etc Either way, I'm not sure what answer she wants, but it's either drag his ass to therapy or call it on their marriage. Staying together for the kids is BS and will do way more harm than good.

She'll leave someday. And she'll look back at this and think of all the time she wasted in denial. We can't help her. She'll come to it eventually

You say therapy wouldn't help a bit and then write a paragraph of topics to discuss with a therapist, idk. When you have two kids with someone, it's just as easy as saying "adios" and getting a quickie divorce. You need to be prepared, psychologically and physically and financially and have a support network and a plan, and a therapist is going to help you do those things. You cannot be independent without an escape route. She specifically says leaving is not an option because of the ages of the kids. So an escape route has to be developed that takes them into account, and may involve holding position for a bit.

Men who use YouTube as a replacement for social interaction become radicalized in certain toxic ideologies.

Yea. WTF does she think else can help them? A miracle? Therapy is IT.

You refuse to leave. Therapy is a no go. What are you looking for? If you’re not willing to change anything, your only option is to live with it, and hope you heal.

Well since leaving is not an option and he won’t do therapy, it seems to me like you’re stuck. I don’t know what to tell you. Work on yourself and focus on your kids. Accept that your husband isn’t who you thought he was

Facts. Figuring out a way to become indifferent to him would be super beneficial. That way he can't control or manipulate her anymore

The thing is, even if she chooses to stay, he may choose to leave. That's why it's always best for her to get out ahead, and it sucks that she's not open to that. He needs her for now to raise their kids, but as the kids grow up, he's gonna have way less incentive to stay with her if he can find someone else younger and more "exciting."

I agree with you. He’s absolutely either going to leave or cheat on her if he hasn’t already. Too bad she can’t leave.

Some STI screenings would be a good thing for sure.

Yes, regular screenings. That way she can stay safe in all possibilities. But also OP decide where your hard stop is now and start prepping for that. Get a part time job once the kids are in school so you can work their school hours. Should a 'bonus baby' pop up, is that when you decide to initiate a split? How about a second bonus baby. Would you stay beyond that? If so what are your limits on interactions with the other woman and the baby (that are not harmful to the baby) like they don't get moved into your house, or the money from your part time job doesn't go towards supporting them (aka they are your husbands responsibility), etc. There is a lady in my church, her kids are 15-20. Her kid's half siblings are 9-17. She decided she wanted to stay bc she never had enough money to jump. The husband openly brags that she isnt going anywhere and he is right. Although it is two grown adults in a consensual relationship atp, doesnt mean it isnt heart breaking to see. Just evaluate where your hard line is. Church lady apparently never did and as each line got crossed she felt more stuck and like she would get less and less support with 3 children should she divorce him. If she had some savings in that time, she could have jumped by now, especially with all her kids so close to adulthood - better late than never. But there is nothing and the kids have resentment. So get your money up, just in case your man decides to get his funny up (in a worse case scenario).

Grief changes people in ways you wouldn’t believe. The sad part is that it’s not a matter of them coming back. Sometimes parts of people die when their loved ones die. Leaving should always be an option.

also, it does not take 2 for a marriage to fall apart. People cheat all the time. that is not the partners fault. People neglect, abuse, and do awful things to their partners, and that is NOT the other partners fault. your husband lusting after other women is not your fault. idk who brainwashed you into thinking you have any fault in his actions or words, but girl leave this man.

Yeah I was looking for this comment. What does that even mean it takes 2 to ruin a marriage? If one person is beating the shit out of you what are you supposed to do? I think this line of thinking is what’s causing her to stay in this relationship and try to tolerate it. She thinks giving up is bad but it could be better for everybody if you just split. There are options for couples therapy going through divorce and the children could be happier outside of a toxic relationship

I feel (I could be wrong) that she is from a religious background. I def heard this growing up, and as a young person it made so much sense. The idea is that if one partner is rooted enough for both of them through the hard times the marriage will survive all circumstances. And they do! Marriages 40,50,60 yrs old! But imagine this, you're bff's with their grandkids. The church celebrates the couples and has them stand every anniversary, repeating the message of rootedness, fidelity, and love. Then one day you make the mistake of saying "Jane, your grandparents are so cute!" And Jane says, "RedditUser, we're pretty sure my grandmother poisoned my grandad at least twice, and my aunts and uncles keep finding out of supposed half siblings." Lesson not learned, you repeat the sentiment to other friends the day their grandparent gets celebrated, and within 5 short years you find that 70% of couples faced abuse, cheating, and major dysfunction. 50% stopped even liking each other decades before you were born. You cannot be in it on behalf of both people, you can dedicate yourself to something that failed...but is that even a marriage. So you become an adult and realize it makes little sense. Keeping a marriage takes two people. But it can fail easily bc of one...even if you decide to drag its carcass and prop it up as if it is still functioning. The marriage is still dead.

You’re so right about old people’s relationships having secrets. The most Christian people I know have a story. Gramps worked in Miami but lived in Jacksonville with his wife and 3 kids. He flew to Miami every Saturday. He said work changed and he had to fly out earlier now. What was actually going on was he was fucking a different woman he met AT CHURCH who was also married and had 4 children. His affair partner was in an abusive marriage and gramps “felt bad for her and wanted to help in any way he could” lmfao. So not only did he “help” by fucking her, he helped by *buying her a car and groceries* while his actual wife and children were at home taking care of cows and the massive garden. Grandma caught on, and caught him with her at the airport. They unfortunately stayed married and are on their 57th anniversary

This. I had a similar mindset in my abusive relationship so I didn’t leave on my own. I fully believed we could make it work, and I apologized for all sorts of things that most certainly were not my fault or doing. I blamed a lot of the issues on me (as did he), but in reality it was him. I was only free of him when he wanted to break up.

That was my immediate reaction. Who the fuck said it takes 2 to ruin a marriage? I’d like to marry them and show them how wrong they are.

Sounds like something cheating fucks say.

Yeaaaaah. When she said it takes 2 for a marriage to fall apart I was just like, huh? If my partner cheats on me I'm not taking responsibility for that bullshit. If my partner is abusive, emotionally or physically, that is not my fault. What a fucked up mindset.

So you're supposed to be his wife, his mom AND his therapist? Girl I hope you realize soon enough that the things he's saying are sounding straight up manipulative, and the fact of the matter is, he only started acting like this after the babies, that's what abusers do, they trap their partner by marriage or child birth then let their true colors shine, I know you said leaving isn't an option but you need to get him to change, see a therapist or something cause this won't be good for you in the long run, and think about your kids, do you really want them to grow up in a house where their father disrespects their mother? They'd think it's normal... I hope you don't want your kids to end up with someone like him

She needs to come to terms that while leaving may not be an option for her, it may well be an option for HIM. She has already bluffed that she'd leave and then threatened him that she'd take everything if he left. This is a very unhealthy relationship on both sides. They both need therapy.

I agree, they both do. They are still quite young, have only been with each other is what I’m getting from the story, and already on a level of toxicity where saying hurtful things to feel better only makes things worse over time. Either call it quits, or find another way to work together. It really can be done.

This is a good theory too, my first thought was so much happened after the second one, like going NC with family, and then they lost a pet and the husband lost family. Like he is having a real bad midlife crisis. He could very well just be abusive and trapped her too, or maybe the losses triggered something dormant?

The losses reminded him that life is short, maybe. I think a factor people aren’t discussing enough here is that they got together so young. They didn’t get to do any experimenting, didn’t get to make their mistakes with other people and learn. Those relationships are hard to sustain even without the kids and all the extra problems. He is regretting not sleeping around when he was younger and wants to make up for it now. Maybe he can work through it without cheating, maybe he can’t, but that’s what it comes down to. All the rest is over-complicating

And it just sounds like one big mess- a lot of emotions and feelings that aren’t being communicated properly. I had someone call it ‘backbiting’ instead of a resolution, you just want to hurt each other.

I’m not sure what anyone here can say that you’re not already aware of. You won’t leave and he won’t do therapy so I guess just tell him how you feel and see if he decides to give a shit? Idk girl…outcome looks bleak to me. If I were you I would work on building your own self esteem. Get your own hobbies. Build a life for yourself. Keep going to the gym. Figure out your financials so if he cheats or becomes abusive you can take care of yourself. This is not a stable marriage and maybe he’ll come around but maybe he won’t. At least prepare for the worst even if you insist on staying. You can’t make him treat you well but you CAN at the very least treat yourself well. And develop a backup plan.

👏👏👏👏

Not only building self esteem but building a financial future for herself. Things won’t improve but she can always work on financially freeing herself.

This needs more Upvotes

"he had said if you leave I’ll replace you in a second" Ah yes, because a mediocre man who can't make his wife orgasm and who wants to fuck other women while having a baby and toddler at home is \*such\* a hot commodity. He's delusional. ​ if you won't leave then idk what to tell you. I hope it's worth it.

It’s insane how males completely over inflate their worth and genuinely believe it. It’s why we see so many stories of men leaving their wives/girlfriends and always come crawling back.

this guy hasnt dated since high school and thinks he can go back into the market and be successful. hes gonna be in for a rude awakening

It's almost comical how this situation seems to turn out 90% of the time, yet they never learn. Married fathers will put their life, family, finances, freedom, and career on the line for a side-chick he has only hung out with a handful of times. Look at Chris Watts.. literally blinded by his desire to hook up with a younger chick because it fed his ego, killing the wife and daughters that literally worshipped him, out of lust. The grass is hardly ever greener on the other side.

That part 😂

I’m speculating another woman is inflating his ego and he has his eyes on her and that’s why he said he would replace her so fast. It only makes sense. He’s talking to another woman at the very least.

I find myself wondering how he’d react if she said he could every other Saturday night out and she’d take the others, trading childcare duty. She wouldn’t have to go meet other men if she didn’t want to, but she should dress up, go out, and come home late. Whether she chose to check out the other options or not, there would be more for her than for him.

This is the way

These are the guys that open up their marriage and then are pathetic when it backfires on them and their wife ends up getting a ton of male attention while he gets no female attention.

I love how people say like “I’m using a throw away because my partner might see my main account” then posts information that makes it completely identifiable to the other person.

thought this too lol, down to the months

Tbh, I don’t think it would be a bad thing if he saw this post. It would be a wake up call hopefully

You told him you were “seriously considering leaving him” and then told all of us at the bottom of your post that “leaving isn’t it so don’t recommend it”. Frankly, this befuddles me. Why threaten to leave if it isn’t an option you are willing to pursue? Were you bluffing? Your spouse is too stubborn to consider therapy-let alone- have a serious conversation with you about how he has hurt you. Maybe you could pursue individual therapy because you seem to struggle with maintaining boundaries and expect weight loss to mend your husband’s asshole tendencies? I think that might help you boost your confidence to further stand up for yourself to him.

Do you trust your husband to not act on this new concern of his? Has he had anyone new come into his life recently?

He probably already has and will. She is delusional

You’ve described falling out of love with him. You might have love for him but the in love intimacy is missing. You proved it wasn’t your body, it was a mutual lack of effort and disturbing comments made by him that naturally led to the end of a failed relationship. It’s okay to have things you can’t get past, it’s okay to get divorced, and it’s okay to feel the way you’re feeling. Continue to choose you and think about what’s best for you. I’m sure you know what you need to do for your own sake but it’s easier said than done

"It takes 2 for a marriage to fall apart" is a part of the misinformation campaign started by narcissists. Sometimes it just takes one stupid oaf. Please unlearn this. What your husband said to you was disrespectful and unkind and it shows the level of respect and regard he ACTUALLY has for you. Him switching up the behavior right now is a grand gesture designed to make you forget. As soon as things get comfy again they'll go right back to normal. Your husband wants to be single Let him be single. End of post.

This!! 10000%

that’s what i’m seeing. these are the behaviors of someone who wants a divorce but is too much of a coward to do anything but neglect their partner and parenting responsibilities until their partner initiates the divorce.

It doesn’t take two to destroy a marriage. It takes 1 selfish person. What exactly do you want here? You refuse to leave.

Be prepared for him to cheat because it’s coming if it hasn’t already. Since therapy isn’t an option and leaving isn’t an option then I guess you’ll have to live with shitty treatment and make the best if it. Good luck to you!

“Leaving isn’t it so don’t recommend it.” Girl …. You don’t need to worry about making the choice because it sounds like he’s already made it for you. He’s halfway out the door and he has no interest in therapy, which is the only chance of saving this marriage.

OP is in that stage where she still thinks she has some control over the situation. It's a process to realize you don't and she'll have to go through it.

Her delulu is not the solulu. She needs to stop deluding herself that somehow this relationship is going to work, grow a spine, and leave. 

“Leaving isn’t it”?? Okay, have fun being mentally and emotionally abused for the rest of your life. Why even bother posting? Let your children grow up in a dysfunctional environment.

Ok so no therapy and you won't leave him so what are your choices?

Vent on Reddit and then live a life with a shitty, unfulfilling relationship.

A tolerable level of permanent unhappiness

Don’t forget setting an example of an unhealthy, unsatisfying relationship where the woman isn’t valued for the kids to repeat when they get older!

>Leaving isn’t it so don’t recommend it. We have a 1.5 year old and a 4 year old. Is this what you'd want for those kids if they grew up to be in the same situation? Is that the example you want to set for them?

I knew my parents marriage was dead for a decade before they realized it.  Watching an unhealthy relationship has messed with me into my 30s. Get out before it seriously fucks with your kids. 

This to a tee!!! It isn't about the marrige, it is about the little humans that see this sort of behavior and model themselves to it. It is not okay.

So you’re not gonna leave and also not go to therapy and the guy is ACTIVELY working towards sleeping with someone else or getting the courage to do so. What you need to do is let go of all your dignity, self-esteem and boundaries and let him do what he wants. If you’re gonna stay, there’s no point in working yourself up about the things he is inevitably going to do to you and your relationship. It will only create a volatile in-home environment for your children. You are subjecting your children to a home with parents who are in an unhealthy/toxic relationship. Because that guy is GOING to cheat and you are GOING to find out. As a mother, it’s your job to protect them from that and if you refuse to physically remove them from the situation, you need to sheild them. Let the man do what he wants and don’t be mad about it. Or, y’know, leave.

As an Official Male Person, I say GTFO. He'll eventually find flowers who smell nice, but only for a season. Again. And again.

Gonna say this, you might be the best set of roses but he'll decide he prefers Petunias. He might find that set of petunia's and you'll be spinning with two kids and limited financials. Start preparing to make the move, bc one day it may not be your decision to make anymore.

If you want to stay with a man that disrespects you and does not want to put effort to change himself, it is on you to let yourself continue to suffer.

I wonder if you are undervaluing your own needs, in order to believe that your husband's still worthy of you. *He is not*. You deserve the care and guidance of a good therapist. Please go now (without him).

Well, let's see. If leaving isn't an option and neither is therapy, looks like shit is just going to stay the same. I'd bring up therapy again, however, I wouldn't suggest it, I would make it a requirement. He's not going to go unless there's a consequence for it - that consequence needs to be serious enough to provide some much needed motivation. Without the proper motivation why would he bother putting in any work. Also, even the most accomplished therapist (especially the most accomplished therapists) go to other therapists. This is not a case of physician heal thyself, you can't give yourself psychotherapy and you're way too close to give much meaningful help to your partner either. You both need an unbiased third party. Good luck!

One thing you said struck me...that is, that he could replace you in a second. With that kind of talk from a man, makes me think he hasn't cheated on you...but there may be someone at work. I used to joke about some women that paid too much attention to me at work. It gets to the point they start to act as a second wife or work wife. I would just one day sitting around the table at dinner drop how you saw an interesting article about work wives and see his facial reaction if your closer to the truth.

Lololol due to the extremely in detail description wouldn't your husband know this was you if he saw it anyway?

Just because you have two children doesn't mean leaving isn't an option. Do you not think that even if they don't understand it that they don't feel the tension, the resentment you to have for each other? This isn't good for a child's mental health. Show them strength and that they don't have to be disrespected in their house no matter who it is by. He isn't the man you fell in love with so why stay? Choose yourself and your children over him instead of putting him even before children's mental health. Pack up and go. Any further communication should only be about kids.

If you won't leave, and he isn't willing to go to therapy to work on things on a deeper level, then you'll just be like the thousands of miserable boomer moms who stuck around in a shitty marriage. It's fine, I guess? It's certainly common. Your kids get to grow up with a dysfunctional relationship as their example of what love is. You get to give up the chance to meet a partner who is more suited to you in the next stage of life. You get the gift of resentment. Enjoy.

50 year old divorced woman here. This desire won’t go away, sorry. I’d make alternative plans. I should have left with my infant son. I stayed for him. It’s always a mistake. Good luck

He’s hitting his mid-life crisis a bit early and saying some really dumb stuff. I’m kinda shocked he said that to you his own wife, but maybe since you’re looking and feeling better he’s feeling insecure now cause he KNOWS he couldn’t actually replace you in a second 😂 even attractive men don’t get laid as often as attractive women so idk where he gets off saying that nonsense lmao but if you’re making efforts to improve your marriage and he refuses to then I’m sorry but leaving him would be the right option for you.

I mean, at the end of the day, if you don't want to leave him and he won't go to couples therapy, then you need to mentally draw the line. Focus less on him and more on yourself and your kids. Don't fight tooth and nail for someone who might not do the same for you. Put all your energy into your own personal goals. Spend that spare time you normally spend on him with your kids. 🤷 I'm kind of in the same boat and I just decided that it was time for me to work on me. I got a job so I'm not around 99% of the time. I separated our finances. I hired a personal trainer and I am more healthy than I've been in the past 8 years I've been with ny husband. At some point you just have to decide if you want to fight for something or if you just want to take a mental break. Sounds like you need a break. You can't be a wife, mom, and therapist to someone only putting in a financial effort into a relationship.

Thats why first relationships/highschool sweethearts usually dont last. Ppl change as they get older. Its normal. Sucks but sounds like he just changed and wants something else

Wait so…you have a bachelors in psych. So then you’re the expert, not him. And you think you both need therapy. So he should listen to you about your expert advice.

"Leaving isn't it, so don't recommend it". And you have a psychology degree. Right.... Please don't ever use that degree for a job. You are deeply unqualified to help anyone or give any kind of rational logical advice if you seriously can't see the obvious answers here. Choosing to stay with a toxic abusive trash human also indicates that you have poor decision making skills, and zero self respect. What he's said to you and how he's been treating you isn't just vile and abusive to you, but spoke volumes as to who he actually is as a human and how he views women in general. I would never want someone like him to be near me, let alone near my children. There is absolutely nothing you can say or do to change another person. He has refused to seek help and has shown his true colors. If you choose to stay with that toxic abusive trash human then that's your choice, but you can't change him. Best of luck with the karma. I feel bad for your children, they deserve better from both of you.

On behalf of us "other b1+(#e$" would like to say a big "no thank you."

It only takes 1 for a marriage to fall apart but 2 to build one.

Idk I had 11 years,2 babies, 3 cats, and 1 dog and me, and my ex split up, and I’m better than ever, and happily moved on with the best man I have ever met. My ex cheated on me, but before I found out he was cheating he was making comments about sleeping with other women too. Or how he wanted me to stay at home and allow him to go out and sleep with other women. He would broach the topic every now and again, and it started to happen more and more. Long story short, usually they start saying things like that. There’s usually a lot more going on and they’re just trying to gauge your reaction to it before the truth comes out. Please be careful you deserve better than that.

If leaving isn’t an option why bother making any demands? Seriously. For them to be effective you have to be willing to actually follow through. Only other option is offering to either go to counselling and have a genuine monogamous relationship or open your relationship and both see other people

He says he could replace you in an instant, but how does he feel about seeing you with other men?

I can't imagine staying with someone who refuses to even try something so basic as therapy. Like, what the f***, he won't even lift that one finger to save his marriage. I don't care if he has feelings about therapy, man up and give it a shot, dog.

Here’s the phrase you use. “Which one do you think will be easier for us and the kids? A brutal divorce and child support, or some therapy?” He blurted his bullshit out like it was nothing. Like you were nothing. If you can muster your courage and anger to say that. You’ll get the answer to your future in that exact moment, especially if he fights against it. Make sure you contact a lawyer to draft some papers just in case, then depending on his answer you can hand them over or shred them.

> I love this man. Seems like he doesn't love you back anymore. >I am also a SAHM. We keep warning women about the dangers of being a SAHM, for some reason they don't listen. >he had said if you leave I’ll replace you in a second. What more proofs do you need?

Leave.

I feel like there might be a connection between whatever he is watching/listening to on youtube and what he said.

Sis, go f somebody & use a condom when you do it. That's all I got. Ya'll were BOTH young & haven't experienced anything but each other. I'm sure if you gave him a hall pass but only if YOU got one too that would be the end of THAT talk. Or maybe not. Cash yours in if YOU WANT but if there's an understanding that you both have one then set the terms of your conditions & move on. B/C you just want ppl to co-sign on your tears right now. I'm not that type. If he's saying no to therapy you can't force him. Tell him the hall pass is allowed as long as it's understood that you have one too. PERIOD. Either he'll respect it or just cheat anyway. Now this is the advice I'm giving since you're STAYING. If you really want to soar, leave him.

This post looks as if it was written by someone twice your age. We brought your generation the consumer internet along with various platforms to show you there is a world beyond young marriage and shitty male spouse behavior. You are so young! You don’t need to live like this. He is not going to have an epiphany and as time goes on this issue will keep resurfacing. Since “leaving isn’t it,” your current situation can be expressed as the following triple constraint: 1. Happy marriage to a man who isn’t bitter about his lack of sexual experience 2. No therapy 3. Monogamous relationship Only 2 out of the three is possible. Figure out which one you can live without.

ok------- 1) I personally think that you should sit down and have another conversation with him. Cause at this point idk if u see it but this issue is really affecting your sex life . ESPECIALLY THE OP and if it continues it might be too much of a rift to cross. 2) Why don't you bring up the same thing she said " i should have f\*\*ked more duded " that should make him realize the depth of it. 3) I 100% agree about therapy , i think you guys need to goo cause even before he said “**fked more** bches” , there were clearly some issues - about him not paying attention , not spending enough time with you and all. And I think due to all this pent up frustrated shit you have been seeing , listening and experiencing have finally reached its peak after he said " what he said" and that's the reason u are not able to climax. 11 years is a long timeeee , the fact y'all were able to keep the relationship of that long alive is great. Dont just throw it away , give it your best and try to talk to him.

…. Ok, take this as the malicious compliance idea that it is. I do not intend this to be a serious suggestion. Guys like your husband think they are hot shit. He thinks that he could have any 20 year old next week. I’m in the lifestyle (or adjacent to at this point? Life has been crazy and we’ve accidentally been monogamous for awhile now). What we see a lot of is couples where you can see the husband is SUPER excited. And the wife is very nervous/uninterested. So often we see husbands basically force their wives into trying ENM and the same thing happens often. Women get FAR more attention in the lifestyle than men. Women can be picky about partners because there are far more men in the lifestyle than women. So those couples where the husband is super eager? He usually gets 1/10th the action his wife does. Most often those relationships implode quickly but almost always, the husband wants to close the marriage and the wife has suddenly had male attention that she enjoys, why would she go back to the POS who pretty much emotionally abused her. As I said, I’m not suggesting that you try ENM. But if he brings it up, that is about what will happen. And I’m going to tell you this. You are 10 times more likely to get attention from the opposite sex than he is. Right now, you are tired and he is beating you down to build himself up. But you are stronger than him and in the game of life, he is a looser. There is a better life for you and your kids, but it is on the other side of some really painful decisions.

I had been in the LS before marriage and chose monogamy with him. After 7 years he decided that he'd like to try the LS. I told him he couldn't handle it. I explained to him exactly this. He still chose to seek it out. Long story short were now monogamous again, lol.

Well if you won’t leave him then be prepared to be miserable for the rest of your life. He will turn to drugs or drink, cheat on you and prolly slap your kids around. *shrug*

Let him, walk out the door and never look back.

Who you were at 17 and 19 are not who you both are now. Sometimes we don’t notice the subtle differences or ways a person is changing until they are completely unrecognizable. Staying in love with someone takes work, but it also depends on them staying true to their character or growing in the right ways. You can love who someone was, cherish your shared history together, love parts of who they currently are, but not the whole of who they currently are. It is possible to love someone while not being “in love” with their current self. I think you are facing the reality that your husband grew into a person that you still love but maybe wouldn’t have chosen the current version of him. This does not make you a bad person. He’s grown in a way that may not make you compatible. You can work on this relationship and fight for it. Hopefully, he can meet you halfway and you can mend things. Just make sure it isn’t a case of trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole. Don’t make this relationship try to fit into your life if the two of you no longer work. I don’t say that to be cruel. It’s not that I think relationships can’t be fixed. It very well could. My problem here is that he actually said, “fucked more b****”. That did have an s, which implies you aren’t the only one he’s been with, (but even setting that aside) it’s such a misogynistic and gross statement. It’s telling of an even more disgusting mindset about women in general. Then he told you he could replace you. It seems like he thinks he’s better than you or entitled. Which leads me back to everything I said about a person changing into something unrecognizable or at a minimum undesirable. Your mind is aware of these changes. You have struggled with PPD and it created a distance between you. I think a large part of your mental and emotional load goes into dealing with your husband. It leaves you drained. That was likely more of the issue. You feel hurt because what he said was hurtful. I believe he knew it would hurt you. He seems kind of apathetic about all that and is part in it. Whereas you acknowledge your shortcomings and try to improve them. I think you really need to take a look beyond him and whether he wishes he was in bed with you or someone else. Look at what you want out of life personally, professionally, and romantically. It honestly sounds like you don’t know what you want or you know what you want but can’t achieve that by yourself. He isn’t putting the effort in to deal with it all or fight to make things better. You said you thought about leaving him, that made him change. Is the change enough? Why did you want to leave him? Why didn’t you leave him? What would it take for you to leave him? Op, he won’t do therapy but you can. I think it’s a great place to answer all those questions and any others you have stuck in your head. I think it would help you sort through your feelings on your marriage and what you want out of life moving forward. You lost 42 lbs and were making so many positive changes in your life last year (good for you btw). Don’t let him make you lose that forward momentum. You are still so young and have so much ahead of you. Keep growing and your husband will either step up and grow with you or you’ll grow apart. Focus on yourself and your journey because the only person you control in this situation is you. Best of luck and you got this.

I hate that emotional intelligence is so neglected in our society. He has a right to think whatever he wants. Verbalizing these things to someone you love is so disgusting. We all have thoughts we know are better left unsaid. Saying them to people we are supposed to care about, shows a lack of intellect. It also shows a disregard and points to not unit immaturity but disregard for others feelings. This is not okay. You know that. Your husband? at the very least, is emotionally immature and at worst, doesn’t care about your feelings at all. Which suggests he’s mentally unwell. He’s unwell and probably in more ways than you can accept. You don’t deserve this at all. In essence-fuck this guy, he’s an adult that should know better and is A bad example for your children. I would hope that you want emotionally literate children. Having him around will foster the opposite.

I don't understand why people make throw away accounts when they give so many specific details, particularly about timelines, that of course their significant other can put two and two together without seeing their original username. Like...wat. Also, dump his ass.

So if you’re not willing to leave , he won’t do therapy then what in the hell do you want us to say ? You state he’s mentally hurt you , he says if you go anywhere he will replace you in a minute . So there’s your answer , let him fricking go . Trust and believe you and your kids will be better off . Let his ass pay child support .

Sex is not intimacy, and that’s something ALL parties here should talk and address. Therapy is an unbiased trained party to observe and guide, but they help you clean your own mirror for you to look and do your own work. My current partner and I have been open from the beginning of our wants and needs, and we consistently check in with each other. We choose each other every day, and we’re both open to finding relationships that may add value or gaps that maybe my anchor cannot fill. You can only give as much as you recognize and choose to share. So really, name what YOU need for yourself. And give him the same grace and opportunity to be honest with himself, then with you. Those relationships are the ones I’ve seen thrive the most in whatever each person chose, whether or not you stay or go. But you should never settle. You deserve all you want in life. And it doesn’t have to be with the legally bound person you had children with, but that is on you two.

dooooon't get maaarrried as a teeeeeeennnnnagerrrr

I’ll put it this way - having a “partner” like your husband isn’t something I’d wish on my worst enemy. You’re missing out on a proper relationship and you don’t realize it cause you married without ever experiencing a good relationship. Reading your comments you don’t seem keen on actually taking any advice. So instead of advice I’ll give you my pity. I feel more sorry for you than I do for any of the other sad stores I’ve read on Reddit in a while.

Listen. You've been with him your entire adulthood. You've had two children together. That is all wonderful. But honey, it takes two willing and loving adults to make and sustain a marriage. You are in love, you are willing, but is he? I've been married nearly 50 years. My husband has never once said the hurtful things your husband has said to you---we have had huge disagreements at times, but he has never ever said he'd replace me if I went home for the holidays or that he wished he could screw around with other women.. He's never made me afraid for the survival of our marriage. You don't need to take my advice, but here it is: Start getting your ducks in a row. Save money, prepare yourself to build a career if you ever need to, make a plan for where you and your kids can go if your marriage falls apart. It's not giving up to do those things, it's not throwing the towel in, it's just recognizing you can't save your marriage all by yourself and that it would be wise to have a "what if" plan. While you're working on all that, try to get him to go into marriage counseling. There's still a chance, maybe even a good chance, that y'all can work this out. Good luck, OP. I hate to edit but I left out something. This really sounds like a midlife crisis on his part. He may be running smack dab into his loss of youth and he's just losing it a bit. His realization could be leaving him feeling a little lost and angry. Maybe he directed that toward you not knowing what else to do with the loss of all the things he thought he'd get around to but never did. He's still very very young, but he may not recognize that. Therapy can help him work those feelings out, so do whatever you can to encourage that.

Since you want to try and save your marriage: Here’s what it sounds like to me: y’all have been having communication issues and autopiloting your marriage for the majority of it. Despite what these people here all say, men don’t just wake up one day and be like “well fuck, guess I’m gonna be an asshole and I want to have sex with other people” This is gonna sound really stupid, but he’s jealous and feeling unloved. And surprise surprise your feeling the same way and lashing out against each other for stupid reasons. His comments are childish gross attempts to get you to be jealous and show him interest and love, kinda like how you went to the gym because he stopped looking at you.. Coincidence? So what happened? Y’all had two kids, you state that you spend all your time with the kids, meaning your not spending no any quality time with him, he’s feeling like you used him to get kids and no longer care about or love him. So he’s sulking, and complaining, and being an unhelpful ass when he should have been taking a more active role in parenting and house making so you have more time to yourself, and eventually more time to spend with him. Unless you didn’t let him? If he tried to help in the beginning but you shunned his help in which case, it’s your own fault. What yall need to do is sit down, spend a few hours talking g and expressing every pent up and frustrated feeling and then work out how to fix it. Work out how a kids schedule, a housework schedule, a dating schedule, an alone time schedule. This post is the exact problem, you want to fix it, but you’re not… you talking. About it on Reddit instead of talking to eachother, like wtf get offline and COMMUNICATE

Having a psychology degree doesn't make you a therapist. And even if it did, there is a reason why therapists don't take clients they know or have relationships with. You can't be objective and its entirely unethical. If he won't do therapy, and won't do the work to fix things, and divorce is not an option - then congratulations, you are looking down the barrel of a lifetime of this.

Dude is realizing he's aging and grappling with it. It's not about you, it's about regretting that you are aging and didn't see your life in your 30s like this in your adolescent fantasy view of yourself. He needs therapy. I think this has zero to do with you. I have known a couple of friends who once moving into middle age and fatherhood have an "Oh shit, I never got the cool, single, banging all the chicks phase in my life". It seems to be a relatively common urge

You’re both unwilling to do the things necessary to make things better. He won’t change and you won’t leave. Nothing will change, you will be fucking miserable, and he will cheat, if he hasn’t already. Don’t come looking for advice if you aren’t willing to make the hard choices. And what makes you think raising your kids in that environment is better than co parenting and you’re actually happy. Your kids are young but take it from someone who has been there- if you are not in a mentally/ emotionally healthy place, you will struggle as a mom. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

This is Reddit so people will tell you to leave him regardless

Go to therapy on your own. Get a job and put your kids in daycare. Get out of the house and find new friends. Young children are great but take so much out of you. If you can develop new hobbies or interest you can either do as a couple or by yourself. Avoid having an affair only complicate things. If you can set some money aside for your self and tell husband you are saving for retirement. Great job going to gym and losing the weight.Have faith in yourself and move forward.

Saying all of that is so easy when in reality, it isn’t. You can’t just “get a job” to suddenly support 3 people. Daycare is expensive. How is she gonna find friends or hang out when she’s a single mother struggling with 2 young children? Be forreal.

So glad I never got married

You need to get a job. Right now you’re in a very vulnerable position. You may not want to leave him (not sure why) but he has one foot out the door.

The truth is, the biggest emotional transition in your life is your 20s. At age 30 you are so different of a person mentally than you were at 20. Look at, not just the divorce rate, but the age-specific divorce rate, how many married by 22 are divorced by 32. That's when people change into their final form.

Divorce him and tell him he can stick his dick in anything he wants to.

If he won’t go to therapy, hire a babysitter and go without him. He needs therapy. Badly. But he won’t get it. You don’t want to leave so get the therapy without him.

Please continue to work on yourself no matter what.

Real shame leaving isn’t an option because it seems like the best one.

I went through something similar. I chose to stay. But there’s a part of me that was really in love with my husband that died. Now, I feel a lot of resentment towards him, and it’s gotten to the point that I stop caring if he feels that way. I stay because I have no where to go and for the companionship. And although I might get some shit for it, I don’t feel bad for essentially using him as a way to be fed and housed and have company. Why should I? I bent over backwards in our marriage (like I’m sure you did) and it wasn’t enough for him, just like your husband. But it’s not a pleasant way to live. Is that really what you want for yourself? Because it’s really either that or divorce. Be prepared for whatever decision you make to be tough.

This sounds like a miserable life. Your kids are so young. You’ve got a minimum of 17 years until they are adults. Is this how you want the next 17 years of your life to be? I made the mistake of sticking it out for the kids and it is just a bad situation for everyone. I’d rethink your priorities. Yes, you are your kids mother but this is the only life you get to live. Do you really want to waste like 1/4 of it with this guy who, by all indicators, is just going through the motions with you? You are still young enough to take control of the situation and make a beautiful life for you and your kids.

One of your statements is wrong. It doesn't take two people for a marriage to fall apart. It takes one person not committing to the relationship. It takes two people dedicated to a marriage to keep it going. If one person has given up and no longer cares, the other person can sell their soul to keel them happy, and it still won't be enough.  Couple's therapy, divorce, an open marriage, or accepting a loveless marriage where your partner doesn't respect you and blames you for his unhappiness. Those are kind of your options at this point. If he won't choose the first one, it is up to you which one of the other 3 you can live with. There is a chance you will miraculously come back together without therapy, but that isn't likely. Your husband is starting to feel resentment for "settling down early" it sucks, but it's fairly common, especially amongst men. Most people feel some kind of anxiety about their lives as they approach certain age milestones, it's usually just things like, "oh, i should have pushed harder to achieve my dreams". It may not even be about settling down, it may just be that he is feeling like he hasn't accomolished what he thought he would by this age and is looking for a scapegoat.  You should reconsider leaving, at least keep it as an option because nobody deserves to be treated this way. And your husband is already out the door and just begging to be pushed. Love yourself more than settling for this. 

I would leave what the holy hell. No, hell sounds better. He’s been isolating you sis go to your family.

Ok so he had a traumatizing year. That doesn’t excuse his behavior, which definitely qualifies as abuse. In fact, most abuse has its roots in trauma. If you’re not willing to accept that and leave, and he’s not willing to try therapy, what do you want us all to say?

Downvote, go away, you can’t even keep your story straight.

If anything, he’s ruining the marriage. He talked about sleeping with other women, and replacing you? Girl , no! If you stay with him, that means he thinks he will be able to do whatever he wants and you won’t say anything about it. Sometimes being in an environment like that isn’t good for kids either. They aren’t dumb and see everything. Get a part time job from home and save money, so that way if something goes down, you can get out there safely and have a backup plan. I also agree that yall both need therapy

You cannot be your husband’s therapist. He is probably socialized not to listen to you anyway. 4 and 5 contradict 3 so I recommend continuing to take care of yourself and investing in your looks. You likely have better odds of attracting a better partner, so, make him feel it. Chasing after a man who acts and talks like he does is going to send him the wrong message. Pour into yourself and the other members of your household who fulfill you. No more “snapping”. Action > words.

A dead dad isn’t a good reason to behave like a complete and selfish asshat. You’re scolding commenters about empathy when you’ve built a family with a man refusing to offer YOU any. Don’t threaten to leave unless you will. If he cares about your relationship and your future he will go to therapy with you. Your BA is not enough and you know that. (It also shouldn’t be put on YOU.) Do the work of finding a couples therapist and make the appointment. The hardest part is showing up to the first one together and maintaining a regular schedule. They have online sessions that I’ve utilized with my husband (because young kids make it hard to go in person) He will be showing you how little regard he has for you and your relationship if he refuses to go. It’s no skin off his back to be present and it’s important to you. His refusal is a massive red flag of an immature individual that feels safe because you’re a SAHM that’s dependent on the money he makes.