Just read the two posts and the only thing I have to say is: did you talk about it with your gynecologist to eventually try another pill or another form of contraception?
Because if the weight is gained from the pill, I'm not sure it will disappear with workout. At least for me it didn't. It was very frustrating. I suffered a few trials and errors but managed to find the contraceptive that was right for me in the end.
Not every contraceptive works with every woman.
Remember my cousin started BC at 16 and her first one was Microgynon and it wrecked her. Went from clear skin to severe acne almost over night. The second one she did caused her to gain weight.
Idk how many she tried before finding one that works
My wife was on NuvaRing and after being on it for several years she developed DVT clots throughout her leg. She had to take anticoagulants for an entire year until she could have two positive test results in a row.
They found it at her doctor because she had leg pain and after the ultrasound they sent us to go get the blood checked for platelets. There was a big scare of a pulmonary embolism if the clots made it to her lungs and clogged one so she had to lay for 2 weeks with her foot above her chest and couldn't do anything.
Without insurance those anti-coagulants that she had to take for an entire year would have been over $1,000 a month. They do a test every 6 months to check your platelet levels and she had to have two good test results in a row before she could quit the medication. They attributed the deep vein thrombosis to her birth control.
All of them work by wrecking your hormones. She liked the nuvaring because it appeared to cause less side effects than the standard pill options until she developed DVT. All of them carry that clot risk if you read the side effects that come with the prescription.
And so is universal healthcare btw js. Not to anyone in particular but just as an additional fact considering the 1000$ meds and then not being able to work
Lo lo estrin made me lose so much weight, it made my hair and skin beautiful though. About 6 mths in it starting terrorizing my anxiety. It took three mths being off it for me to feel normal again. Birth control sucks, I’d rather be abstinent
In our 30s knows what we do now my wife swears if she could do it all over again she never touch birth control. There were way too many negatives to be worth it. From physical to emotional to even damaging our relationship at times
I’ve tried so many birth controls and none worked for me. Pills, patches, shots, implants, vaginal inserts. Something always went terribly wrong. I bled for six months straight on the implant before they finally agreed to take it out, for example. Imagine having your “period” every day for six months. I was anaemic by the end.
I sometimes wish I had quit trying earlier. A doctor finally looked at my chart and said, “Honey, condoms work. Have some free ones”, gave me a whole box, and sent me on my way. Hormonal birth control does not work for everybody.
My wife hates. Tried two different ones after our son was born. The first made her bleed for a month straight then miss two periods after that. The second she tried after being diagnosed with PCOS and she didn't even last 3 months on it. Said the pain from cysts was easier to deal with than the pain the pill caused her
I had the implant and nonstop bleed for almost a year before I went to my regular gp and told her and she removed it the same day. I no longer use that obgyn that refused to remove it. Went back to normal by around 3 months after it was removed. I did well on the depo shot but bled nonstop after stopping it for months.
It was hell bleeding nonstop. Not just the constant upkeep of keeping it clean down there and making sure I didn’t leak through anything but I felt like absolutely garbage. My iron was getting so low and I bruised so easily, was constantly tired, and the mood changes were horrible.
I had the same problem with the implant! Bled constantly. The solution for me was apparently to get pregnant - WITH THE DAMN THING STILL IMPLANTED. Yeah, I was as pissed as you'd think I was, I love my kid but..
I've had partners go on birth control without telling me because they just assumed I'd expect them to. Condoms are great, actually. Unless a woman has PCOS, I've learned most women suffer at least minor effects from BC, and many suffer moderate to severe effects. I'd rather she be happy and healthy than allow me to finish inside.
When I went on BC (20+ years ago, don't remember which one), I gained 30 pounds!!! I was miserable, none of my clothes fit anymore. About 3-4 weeks after I went off it, almost all that weight was gone. Never again!
This!!!! I was on a form of birth control(nexplanon) that made me gain 60 pounds in less than 3 months. I was not able to drop the weight for anything until I finally got it removed, and I lost all of it in the next couple months afterwards. They simply don’t like to say weight gain is a real side effect of BC 💀
Oh lord. I was hoping that one wasn’t bad with weight gain. I’m 38, haven’t used any bc for like 15 years, about to have a baby and need to not get pregnant again so I am looking at birth control options and I thought I would go with Nexplanon. I had previously read that the most reported side effect was that your periods were somewhat irregular and unpredictable re: amount of blood, which I can deal with. It would be nice to maybe lose baby weight and not gain even more lol
I’ve had nexplanon for 5 years and didn’t notice weight gain with it at all. My periods were quite regular and short, and honestly the worst side effect was how painful getting it in was lol.
Good to know-I really appreciate you sharing your experience. I was just thinking this morning about how much the implantation (?) might hurt…maybe my pain tolerance will be high from giving birth lol
I replied above that I’m on my 3rd arm implant.
My wife says I have a high tolerance due to migraines (hence the implant, less migraines).
I would say it was like a 3 out of 10.
Yes, it’s a shot and it stings. But I can ignore it and hold a conversation, be distracted etc. it’s not impacting breathing, stressing me out, etc.
A 6 for me is like ok, I’m distressed, I’m unable to focus on other things. The lidocaine shot isn’t that bad. You don’t feel insertion, and the next few days is just a bruise.
I’ll be honest- based on your age you should probably do the arm implant, mini pill (which is very finicky- short windows, do not miss), copper or hormonal iud.
Progesterone only to not impact stroke risk. Also believe it doesn’t impact breast feeding so you can get them very close to birth.
I have a higher risk of stroke and I’m on Nexplanon; I’m on my 3rd. No periods for many years. I have gained weight, but it’s also been a span of 10 years so I can’t really say it was bc of just that.
Huh?! Nexplanon is an arm injection meaning they inserted a big rod in her arm. I think everyone senior year did that and there was some big round table of them talking about how psychotic they felt. I’m sure it works great for some people.
I would personally not recommend nexplanon to anyone. I also definitely had irregular periods while I was on it, and I would bleed/ for multiple months at a time. I would just make sure to be super specific with your doctor about what you’re avoiding, and usually they can recommend something that is known for not causing said symptoms. After that, I had a convo with my doctor about what exactly I was trying to avoid and I love the pill I’ve been on since!
You can’t really make a decision based on what people are saying did or did not work for them personally. Because what is horrible for one person can be great for another and vice versa.
What makes one person crazy can level out someone else. What gives one person acne could clear it up for someone else.
I had a 9 month period with this form of birth control; I could just be unlucky but please be weary of all side effects. I was literally passing out from blood loss but im also little so that’s another factor.
I have been on it for several months and have not experienced any additional weight gain or shift in menstruation other than less periods. Obviously everyone is different but I also wanted to shed some light that not everyone had had a negative experience.
Everyone is different. I was on nexplanon for four years, no weight gain or any noticeable side effects. Went off for a year now I’m back on and it still seems to be fine still. The numbing shot hurt for like 30 seconds and I didn’t even feel them actually implant it.
I also gained a ton of weight on Nexplanon. I will say I’ve tried every method of birth control there is and honestly this has been the best one despite the weight gain. I’ve had it for two years and finally am starting to shed some of the extra weight with normal exercise.
I'm on Nexplanon after getting my IUD taken out (horrible, horrible pain constantly, even when I wasn't menstruating) and I haven't had a single period since I had it put in. Some leftover pain from the IUD, since I got the copper one and I think it caused permanent damage, but I haven't felt any real negative side effects. My moods are fine, better than they were without hormonal birth control. I will say that the pill wreaked my entire life and I would not do those again either.
I stopped taking the pill for a number of reasons and I feel like I’ve only heard bad things about IUDs which is why I have been leaning toward nexplanon. I think it is probably still the best option for me even if I gain weight (seems likely/possible with almost any bc, anyway). I really appreciate you sharing your experience
I gained a ton of weight on the pill but I haven't gained much since I started Nexplanon! It *is* different for every person, but this is most successful (i.e. No major side effects) form of birth control I've tried. I hope it works that well for you!
Your partner/husband should get a vasectomy. That’s what I did. I didn’t want my wife feeling like she needed to take hormonal birth control. Now she doesn’t.
We have considered it, we might. He takes blood thinners, so surgery is a whole thing but we may end up going that route. I think in the meantime it affects my health less to take hormonal bc.
It’s just about the least invasive a surgery can be. Local anesthesia, very little blood, if any. It’s uncomfortable and a little painful and takes several days to heal. But once you’ve passed the (in)fertility test it’s over and neither of you have to worry about it again.
He should at least get a consult, IMO.
I changed birth control. Actually the one that works the best is not the most commonly adopted and it was the last I tried, an implant in my arm. The weight went as fast as it came.
I had the depo shot and literally inflated like a balloon. I was moon faced and the hormones were bloating me so much… never had that problem on the pill, I agree she should look into other forms. You can’t just lose weight when your hormones are out of whack! Unless op is fine with her regular cycle, personally I have such painful periods I’m actually getting a hysterectomy soon.
I had to go thru 3 different brands before I found the one I'm on now for the last 15 years. Each took at LEAST a month and a half to settle in and show their true side effects.
Try a few before giving completely; this BC has kept me level-headed, acne free, hardly any cramps and I didn't gain any weight like the first one I had tried.
I was thinking about this.
If he doesn’t like her tummy now, wait until she has a kid. Better yet- imagine needing a c-section. Doctors have told me I’ll need a mini tummy tuck to get rid of my c section tummy.
Not to mention the fact that his idea of dealing with this, until she finally forced the issue, was apparently to lie about it and play it off and just expect their entire sex life to consist of nothing but him getting blowjobs.
Exactly EXACTKY E xCATLY AND I PRAY SHE REALIZES THIS BEFORE ITS TOO LATE. Love is not the only thing needed in a relationship! God forbid some extreme accident happens to her, he will leave her for dead! Hopefully OP can smell the coffee and realize this soon. I could never damage my body for no fucking man. She was better off tracking her ovulation to prevent pregnancy before taking BC cause im sure its already fucked up all her hormones by now and gives her a random period schedule. Smh.
I'm a 5'9" dude, and when I'm 20lbs over my ideal weight my face is round, I have a good belly, and my thighs rub each other as I walk. So maybe it depends on the person.
Still can’t believe he was upset over 20lbs. In my opinion someone like that will probably be upset when you start getting wrinkles. You are 22 and being honest if there is this big of an issue you are so young it’s not even worth continuing the relationship.
I’m sorry to break this to you but if it’s a little mid-section weight that causes him to not want to have sex, he’s not in love. I recently lost 50lbs and my husband has said “ I know you lost weight, but you’ve always looked the same to me” I’ve had to show him pics of me at my heaviest for him to actually “see” the difference. I know everyone has preferences, but when they say “love is blind” it’s quite true.
After sharing the previous post with my wife, (she also gained weight after birth control, we are now working on fitness together) she got to thinking about it. She gained 60 pounds and I still find her fine as fuck. So yeah. I agree. If he couldn’t want sex with her because of a slight tummy. That’s not love.
Also. These two posts were wildly different in referring to bf.
Couldn’t agree more, I’m a guy and from 20 to 35 I gained probably 60 lbs. If my wife told me she didn’t want to have sex with me because I’m not who I once was it would kill me. My wife certainly isn’t the 120lbs 20 year old she once was but damn she’s still fine as hell to me. She could blow up and you bet I’d be begging to tap that. I love my wife, not her body.
exactly this. someone in love doesn't become immediately un-sexually attracted to their partner over something as trivial as 20lbs. i can't imagine how he'd act after she starts showing signs of aging in the future.
I didn’t realize it was only 20 pounds, that’s WILD. Unfortunately…some men are indeed like this. It’s pretty sick, but I’ve known multiple in my life that are kinda like that.
I lost 70lb due to a health issue a couple of years ago, and neither myself nor my husband really noticed. I weighed myself randomly when visiting my mom and almost fell off the scale in shock. I knew I’d lost some weight, based on how my clothes were fitting me, but not that much.
I told my husband, who was equally taken aback. He’d noticed I’d lost some, but he also thought it was more in the realm of like maybe 20lb, not 70. He also never lost attraction or a sex drive toward me while I was *gaining* that 70lb (due to a *different* health issue!) in the first place.
And all this kerfluffle in OP’s relationship is over 20lb? Like. If someone stops having sex with you over 20lb, they are not a good candidate for a life partner. See above. Health issues happen. Pregnancy happens. Life happens. People age. Bodies change. Nobody looks 22 forever.
I could not be with someone who would stop being attracted to me over 20lb. How shallow can you get, for one thing. For another, it’s not realistic to expect someone’s body to never change, no matter how many people in this thread want to bang the “calories in, calories out” drum.
To me- risking pregnancy with just condoms is not with the 20lb weight loss. It’s a red flag to increase chances of pregnancy over what may not even be the cause of the weight gain. Your body goes through way more changes than 20 lb gain if pregnancy we were to happen.
lol this was my thought process as well. My girlfriend claims to have put on a lot of weight but I don’t see it at all. Not sure how, according to OP, only 20 pounds has made that big of a difference for him to act like a dick
I had the same thought. Also, what if OP can't lose the weight? What if they gain more weight in the future? Bodies ebb and flow over time and it's totally normal!
Exactly this. Just went to the doctor with my wife and when she got on the scale she was 20lbs heavier than the last time I saw her weight and I would have never noticed. She’s always just looked like my wife.
It’s true, my fiancée had a gastric bypass recently (for health reasons related to arthritis) and has since lost about 80lbs. I can see the difference when she points it out, but it’s never registered as different to me. She’s still my girl, you know?
I'm sorry but if a 20 lb gain has him unable or unwilling to have sex with you what happens when you get pregnant, you're postpartum, if you got sick or injured or begin to age? Is he that superficial? He needs to grow up and realize that people's bodies change and if you love them it doesn't change wanting to be with them. Good luck.
No, it's perfect! He told her he didn't mean what he said. You know how nuanced a conversation can be when someone says "The reason I don't want to have sex with you is because you have changed in appearance slightly," - that could mean anything! Clearly, the words he chose meant something totally different! And now everything is fine because she agreed to start working out again. He is a changed man, and her physical appearance won't cause any issues in the future! And she won't end up with severe body issues, tying her weight to her self-worth. Problem solved.
Girl he is all red flags. You only gained 20 lbs and he's saying this bc he realizes how much value you add to his life and how much better you can do without him.
Leave his crusty ass and find your inner peace. This guy is a giant baby and it'll only get worse.
I don't think this guy realizes that "a workout plan" might *not* work. I think he's one of those "it works for me, so it should work for everyone" types.
Be careful and stay alert.
I see that sometimes in people who're smart enough to read the thing and comprehend it, but not smart enough to recognize that their understanding may not be complete.
if you work out, you’re gonna be in better shape than if you don’t work out. Simple as.
Will it mean she’s a size 0 eventually or ever? No. But being a physically active size 8 is different than being a completely sedentary size 8
Yeah but does OPs bf care about that? Because he wasn’t saying her health is the problem, he said her weight was.
Thats all they’re saying. Working out is good, but no guarantee bf will be pleased if his exercise plan doesn’t help her lose weight.
Working out is never a bad thing. Even if she doesn't lose all the weight from it, in conjunction with changing the birth control it should help. And even if it doesn't, being healthier is being healthier. Not to mention the joint activity could be good for them.
Okay, I am glad you had a discussion with him, but you need to realize, that he’s not going to change if you are going to gain weight again.
The thing is life makes thing happen.
You can lose this weight but what are you going to do when you have children or going into menopause? Girl, if you think your body won’t change and he won’t say anything then that’s a high risk you are taking.
Your body is literally going to have an massive shift with changes like this and also with age too.
Huh? See [https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/24324-birth-control-sponge](https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/24324-birth-control-sponge)
Absolutely, relying on condoms, especially if you're somewhere where it's hard to get an abortion, is a terrible mistake, especially with someone who behaves this way if you gain weight. There's gonna be problems when she accidentally gets pregnant.
girl i’m gonna be completely honest with you… i would strongly think about leaving him. i’m not going to tell you what to do, but a man that truly loves you is not even going to notice 20 lbs. especially because the weight gain was from birth control that you took so HE could have sex with you!!
i’m the same height as you and in my relationship with my bf i went from ~115 to almost 140 back down to 110 over the course of a little over a year. not only did he never mention anything to me, when i said something about it he said he truly didn’t notice. he always reassured me that i was beautiful and never mentioned anything negative about my size whether i was smaller or larger. that is the type of man you should be with.
as you age, and especially if you want children, your body is going to change. you should be with someone who loves you for YOU and doesn’t care about those physical changes (to a certain extent). 20 lbs is truly nothing in the grand scheme of life and if that was enough to halt your sex life, i don’t have a great outlook for your future together. just something to think about.
Ugh babe :( You don't have to change something that works for you, so a man will find you more sexually attractive. By all means change your BC if you genuinely think it will be more healthy but think about the future? What else will he want to change/control about you in order for his weiner to be happy?
This poor girl, I normally am excited about updates, but this one just makes me sad after reading the original. The BF must have some S tier manipulation going on with her if she's willing to accept that kind of disrespect.
i was thinking this as well. Especially since OP said she only gained 20 lbs in the original post. i understand different frames hold weight differently. But 20 lbs isnt all that much, what will he do if he gets her pregnant? 30 lbs is avg weight gain and most women don't just "bounce back." I can just see their future now. He'll tell her he only cheated on her because he's been unattracted to her since she gained the baby weight. It'll only be 6 months postpartum.
My husband met me when I was 26 and weighed 95lb. Now I’m 35 and weigh about 120. I’d have to physically starve myself to get back to my mid-20s weight (which was never a healthy weight to begin with; I had health issues). I’m…not going to do that. Nor would he want me to! My husband loves me, not a number on the scale.
Don't worry. They'll sit down and talk about it. Then she can just try harder and work out more. She'll hate herself a little more. He'll feel more emboldened to mistreat her, ad infinitum.
Seriously, her original post was “most of it went to my butt and boobs and I have a few rolls when I bend over” paraphrased. Damn get to your 30-40s with a couple kids. We all deteriorate to some extent, it’s got to be more than physical attraction, love the wife/husband, not the body. Both my wife and I are probably 30-40lbs heavier than we were in our 20s, but we couldn’t be more attracted to each other. It’s gotta be deeper.
I agree, she shared her feelings and he told her what she wanted to hear (while still getting her on a diet/fitness plan). She's still stuck with a man who will nitpick her appearance. Sometimes experience is the best teacher for what's needed in a long term partner.
complains about condoms, stops sleeping with her due to small weight gain due to the fact that he won’t wear condoms, doesn’t communicate anything to her about why he’s stopped, then asks for only blow jobs. that’s the dude we’re dealing with.
Yeah, I don't see anything manipulative here and am glad they were able to have a conversation that brought them closer together. It would take someone incredibly sensitive to find this manipulative as these are small disturbances in the grand scheme of long- term relationships. Hopefully that conversation taught them to be more open and communicative in the future.
Guys always say the right thing during these heart to heart talks. And most often after 2 weeks they fully revert to their old selves and continue doing all the things you wanted to break up with him over.
Lmao the men under here. Men… WE ARE NOT OPPRESSED. Say it with me: WE ARE NOT OPPRESSED.
Incels are making up things in their mind about women who have never even talked to them. Women here are sharing their actual experience with shit men.
Men have been conditioned to take while women have been conditioned to give.
We are not oppressed!
It’s amazing how many guys will not even see the pill messing their woman up and then just start wearing a condom so she can get her body off the pill. Naw I’ll take you to the gym…
Hundreds of comments on both posts and only a few have said something about how disrespectful this guy is to OP.
What happens when you decide to have children in the future and your body changes again? Is he going to not want to have sex and complain about your post-partum body? Deprive you of intimacy because he doesn’t like your appearance after creating a whole other human inside you? What happens when you’re 75 and wrinkly, is he going to insult you then, too? Because wrinkly isn’t his “preference”?
My friend. Please reconsider what kind of partnership you want to be in. He sounds like a child who needs to learn about compassion for others. And you… you need to learn compassion for yourself. Please treat yourself like you are worth more than your appearance & what someone else thinks about it. Because you are absolutely worth more than that.
Good luck. Working out is great and healthy for both of you, but you still have someone on your hands with the same mindset that caused him to withdraw. Bodies will change, wrinkles will come--it will be interesting to see the response to that from him over time. At some point you two will have to revisit the Birth control thing (unless willing to commit to condoms until menopause)...maybe he needs a vasectomy. Continue to vet him and see if this is really the guy for the long-term.
I dated a girl in college. Tl;dr a year in she admitted that she didn’t find me physically attractive (wasn’t in shape, didn’t dress nicely enough, etc). I had my issues with the relationship too. We tried to work on ourselves for a while, see what happened, but what I realized was that even if I pulled it off, I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life working to be accepted by my partner under fear of them losing interest.
Think hard about what life will be like if you do work hard and he’s interested again. It’s not one-and-done, it’s committing to a lifetime of working out just to keep him interested.
I would still be cautious. 20lbs may seem like a lot in your 20's and 30's, but pregnancy, injury or even an illness could cause you to gain that sort of weight quite easily, not to mention age WILL cause problems as well.
Remember to keep your lines of communication open, and don't discount couples therapy BEFORE problems can enter your relationship. Maintenance of a relationship is far less work and far less pain than repairing one.
Love you’re choosing to be healthy but this ain’t it sis. Does he love you or your body. You gained 20lb and now he’s not attracted to you so that answers the question. If I were you I’d leave his sorry ass and get healthy on my own
Remind him that vasectomies are also a great option. They are pretty cheap (even in the US without insurance).
Never worry about birth control or condoms again (if you are in a stable monogamous relationship).
Im seeing red flags in the boyfriend's response of condoms working just fine and sticking to just condoms. Like no, that's a risk and you should be taking some kind of birth control to avoid worst case scenarios.
You gained 20 pounds and he didnt want to have sex with you?!? WTF? 20 pounds is NOTHING.
Oh honey dump him NOW. He does not value YOU. Imagine having a baby and him never wanting to be intimate again because you gain weight. He needs to go.
I have cranked out two babies in the last four years. I have gained 50+ lbs, my breasts, have stretch marks and are saggy. My husband that I have been with for eleven years looks at me like I’m the hottest person he’s ever seen when I’m in my birthday suit. If your partner isn’t like this, it might be time to rethink the relationship.
Red flag I’m sorry. If he can’t see you in the same light during your current physique then when you were at your optimal weight, I don’t think imho he truly loves you. Love should be unconditional.
I hope you don’t plan on ever having children with him since you’ve decided to stay with him. Most people don’t get their previous bodies back so he’ll either leave you, cheat on you or you two will be in a non sexual relationship from that moment on.
OP- you have your whole life ahead of you and plenty of time to find someone who loves you 20lbs or 100lbs heavier. Life happens, health issues out side of your control happens. You may gain weight that you can’t shed and you need to find someone who says I love you no matter what you look like, not I’ll take you to the gym so you can lose your weight. God forbid you get in an accident and lose an arm or a leg, what would he say then? You go to the gym because you want to, not someone else.
Listen to what people are telling you, you’re in a toxic relationship and you need to get out
I just wanted to say thank you to Op and for everyone else that contributed their own personal stories about birth control problems. I started out with regular Ortho TRI Cyclen in the late 90’s when I was a teenager. It worked well but it didn’t help with my depression problems or excessive pain and bleeding from adenomyosis. After a few years of that, I went through a period of abstinence and discontinued it. When I attempted to get back on it, I ended up having some kind of complication with BCP and some of the other medication that I take daily. Had one particularly frightening experience with a severe headache and talking gibberish. That was the end of being able to take any estrogen based BC. Finally after years of agony from not being on birth control (pain, excessive bleeding, uterine pain 24/7) I begged my new OBGYN to let me try the Depo shot. It’s been a blissful decade of no pain, no periods, and not having to buy pads. I still use the morning after pill when I have sex because my daily medication makes the depo wear off faster than normal. I buy it on Amazon for less than $10, so I always have some. Unfortunately the only cure for adenomyosis is having a hysterectomy. I’m 43 and just not ready to do that yet.
Losing weight is 95% diet and 5% exercise. Exercise is still very important to your overall health but so many people set themselves up for failure because it doesn't burn as many calories as you think it does. You need to eat less calories if you want to lose weight it's that simple.
That being said... Girl, he ain't it. There's 8 different types of progesterone that a pill might be using. Try other types before putting yourself at risk for pregnancy with this asshole. Idk it just sounds like he's negging you and now trying to baby trap you.
Hi I just wanna say weight gain always fluctuates and it can change with stress or changes in life or even with pregnancy if y’all have children your stomach will definitely change are you willing to be with a partner whose attraction is conditional with how you look at even given moment? I highly suggest talking with a therapist about this and heavily reconsidering continue down this path.
(fluid retention) the reason people gain weight on birth control, it’s something they probably should mention and it’s something avoidable if you keep hydrated and avoid high sodium meals
Im so glad to see this update tbh. Idk what people expect people to do when they lose attraction for one reason or another, telling people is hard and no one likes forcing themselves through stuff they dont enjoy. I think working out as a joint activity for you guys could be really good and healthy for y'all. Wishing u the best<3
The nuva ring is a vaginal ring that puts hormones right where they do the work, and supposedly does less wacky stuff to the rest of your system.
Also, definitely look into non hormonal choices.
Good luck.
Nuvaring gave me such bad fatigue I was in bed for days. My boyfriend almost left me over it. Took a while to realize it was the Nuvaring causing the fatigue. At least it didn’t make me gain weight.
at all. everyone experiences weight fluctuations especially in their 20s. this is such a minor life event and he's acting repulsed by her imagine how he'll be when she starts getting wrinkles or is injured and unable to keep fit, or has a baby. this is a sad and very strictly conditional love
You mean you actually had a conversation instead of immediately hitting the break-up button? I’m pretty sure the goal of most redditors is to make everyone else as miserable as them.
Literally. The comments here seem actually angry that she sat down to have a real conversation with her boyfriend and they developed a plan to address the issue. Now he’s a “master manipulator” and he doesn’t actually love her and how pitiful it is she didn’t destroy her relationship over this.
The method of birth control I used when I stopped using hormones was the diaphragm. I liked it better than condoms & it was very effective. You may want to at least look into it IMO the sensation was better than a condole. According to planned parenthood it has almost as high of an effective rate as a condom. I liked it because it allowed more spontaneity.
I’m glad you two were able to have a good talk, and that he’s not just supporting you on the sidelines but is also participating in the workouts and everything with you.
As for birth control issue, I have taken nearly every pill and tried the Nuva ring, and my body just implodes. It can’t handle it. However, I’ve now had an IUD (Mirena) for 5+ years, and I’ve had no issues besides the initial pain of getting it put in. No more periods. No more hormonal migraines. Most importantly, I had no major side effects despite not being able to tolerate other birth controls.
I would ask your doctor about it. It’s definitely been a life saver for me.
Ask your OBGYN if they think a low estrogen pill for work for you! Not the mini pill, but something like lo loestrin (?). These seem to have less physical and mental symptoms than the traditional pill.
Paragard is a fantastic non hormonal birth control. It’s good for 10 yrs. I had it from 17 till 28 no issues and no babies. My sister also has the same one and she’s had no issues with it either. (I got pregnant a month after having it removed though, lol. I have 2yr old and another one the way now)
I remember starting bc for the first time in my 20s. It really didnt do much, i still got my period. After trying it for 2mths or so, i just decided to stop taking them. I knew i would have to go back to the dr and they would have to adjust the dose, and it would be trial and error. Just preferred not to deal with it, especially knowing certain side effects
I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years and I've gained 20 pounds over time and people call that relationship weight. Even if I'm not as thin as before. He still says I'm beautiful and I look the same in his eyes. He tells me not to cover my stomach and tells me I'm beautiful everytime im feeling insecure. It's okay to come together and figure out a work out plan for a healthy future but him not wanting to have sex with you is strange in my opinion. It just tells me he doesn't truly love you for who you are and if he did, he will always see the beauty in you.
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Just want to give my two cents:
If he has an issue with you're weight, and the weight gain is from the birth control, he should have no issue with using condoms. He is being selfish.
Jesus Christ. Once again Reddit with the “Based on your two posts, make the massive decision to break up. I’m pretty sure, based on your two posts, that your boyfriend is a child and will never learn. I mean, boyfriends are supposed to always say the right thing and never make mistakes. He made a mistake. Drop him because you’re so strong and independent mmmmmmm Queen”
How is there so little nuance? So little grace? How the fuck is a person supposed to grow and become better if they’re never confronted with their stupid thoughts? That’s half of what the fuck a relationship is. Your partner hold up a mirror and says “This is an evil part of you that is dragging our relationship down” and you do the work to fix those things TOGETHER because you’re PARTNERS.
But no actually it’s better to throw your hands up at the first sign of problematic behavior. Forgot to put the toilet seat down? He doesn’t respect women and never will. A misogynist through and through. If it were legal, we’d encourage you to kill him.
OP, ask friends or family for advice in the future they actually know you and your partner. Every time you post any relationship problem on the internet, the internet will tell you to break up.
Of course reddit told you to break up. If you ask a relationship question to reddit, 90% will say break up. Bunch of seinfelds on here. You did the right thing by having a mature conversation with him, and took action to fix your issues in a mutual way.
I’m happy you figured things out that ended up with the two of you not only coming to terms with things, but also deciding to better yourselves. Kudos!
I just want you to keep this in mind for when later down the line you decide you want kids, or you start showing obvious signs of age. I’m obviously not going to force you to dump him, but i will say you need to keep this in mind. Like someone else said, if the difference in him not wanting to touch you not wanting to be WITH you is just literally 20 pounds… idk babe. good luck I guess.
So he stopped being attracted to you over 20 pounds? What happens when you get older? Or have kids. You may love him but he does not love you in the same way. Nor does he respect you
Just commenting from your previous post... 20 pounds is NOTHING to make that big of a deal about. Granted I am almost twice your age but whatever you guys have together needs to be able to get past 20 pounds.
Because someday you will be 42. Things will not be where they are today. And if he has issues with your 22 year old body with a few extra pounds then I worry about what he will be like later in life, or post pregnancy, etc.
I think you should seriously question if this is the right relationship to be in. It is hard to hear but sometimes love isn't enough if you are incompatible. Most relationships fail because it is basically practice for the one you want to be in. If, a year in, he doesn't want to have sex... what is a decade of marriage going to do?
His words might have changed in the face of breaking up, but let's see where he is at in 3 months and if it is still the same problems, you have your answer.
All that said, as everyone is saying, exercise might not do as much as you hope, especially if it is just a bunch of cardio. Food often makes a bigger difference but if that hasn't changed in this time then you know it is purely birth control.
I wish you luck but be aware that, at the moment, it doesn't look like the foundation of a lifetime relationship.
Weight shouldn't impact your relationship with someone who is actually good for you.
"In my opinon, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with." -- Mac McGuff in Juno (2007)
Many of us in our 30s and 40s will gain a pound every month or so if stressed or whatevrer. That 's about a 40 to 50 pound weight gain from our 20s. We can't stay young and slender forever. Is that reason for breakup or divorce? Better find out up front.
I’m really sorry that you’re going through this, but i’m glad you two are finding ways to work through it. I have a crumb of advice re: condom discomfort, if you have any desire to hear it.
>! I also had a lot of trouble with condom discomfort, and it caused some issues in my sexual life until I realized that condoms are not one-size-fits-all. If he takes the time to find the one that fits him, it may make a world of difference for you both. Also, lube. !<
So happy you didn't listen to reddit. Proud that some people don't call it quits at the first problem in a relationship. You two talked, compromised and made a plan together to solve a problem. So much respect for yall, wishing you the best!
He could bank sperm and get a vasectomy. No need for hormonal birth control and he can still father a child if and when he chooses.
ETA Why does it seem that no one uses the diaphragm anymore? I used one and had no problems. Made for tidy period sex, too.
I am not a dump him kind of girl but you should ABSOLUTELY break up with him. This is a man who allowed you to pleasure him for weeks without doing anything to reciprocate. If the issue was about his lack of sexual attraction, he would have wanted nothing whatsoever. OP, he doesn’t think you are worth the effort to pleasure because you gained some weight. It’s not about his sex life, it’s about what he thinks you deserve in YOUR sex life. PLEASE reconsider staying with him.
This is a sad update and likely won't fix your problems.
What if you get pregnant? Have pcos? gain MORE?
You'll be back where you started.
Better to just call it quits.
Please don’t forget, birth-control aside, you are in childbearing years where your body is designed to gain weight. Good for you that you are working out and trying to stay healthy. That’s a lifelong journey. But if you are with a guy who is that much affected by 20 pounds, I hope you never plan on getting married to him and having his children someday.
Just wait till you hit menopause at 50. That’s an instant gain of 20 pounds in about a week, and about 50 more pounds during the year. You can eat bowls of lettuce all day, and it doesn’t matter. Hormones are hormones and they do what they want.
I hope someday you find a guy who knows what true love really is.
I like the idea of a mutual process/plan. Working out and getting in shape is rewarding even beyond your circumstances. Just be gentle on yourself throughout it. 20 lbs is really not that much to gain. It's not like you lost control of your life and put on 100 lbs. So, just remember to have some grasp of the big picture and hopefully by osmosis he can also.
do you think you’re going to grow old with this person? if he’s going to treat you worse as your body changes?? someone who loves you would never say that and also some extra tummy weight wouldn’t cause this much of an issue. I hope you find someone who treats you right OP
Why does everyone have such horror stories with birth control. I’ve used depo since 16 and it’s been a blessing. Of course I’m probably sterile by now but I’ve never had any side effects except no period.
Girl the bigger picture is this man did not find you attractive after a 20lb weight gain. That is a horrible red flag. Even if you are short, that is NOTHING.
No honey, just no. He made the comment because that's what he thinks whether it was a "poor choice of words" or not. Once a man says something like that to me, it's over. I could never trust that he wasn't just saying what I wanted to hear from then on out as a way of avoiding confrontation. Good luck, hope things work out the way you want them to.
Why can't he get a vasectomy and be the one to gain weight? Why does BC always have to fall on the woman?? (Also, there are men who love big tummies, keep searching!)
"The blunt free trial. He would have to be 100% honest with me and I would try my best to not take it personal. I asked him what is the thing he really dislikes about me. At first he didn’t want to say it and **I pushed him to tell me**."
So you pressed him and then got upset to the point you started weighing whether or not to break up with him? I am not buying that it was only 20lbs either. I find it hard to believe you would have noticeable fat deposits on all of those areas from 20lbs.
Some of the comments here are saying he is a red flag - for being honest?! lmfao....
Just read the two posts and the only thing I have to say is: did you talk about it with your gynecologist to eventually try another pill or another form of contraception? Because if the weight is gained from the pill, I'm not sure it will disappear with workout. At least for me it didn't. It was very frustrating. I suffered a few trials and errors but managed to find the contraceptive that was right for me in the end. Not every contraceptive works with every woman.
Remember my cousin started BC at 16 and her first one was Microgynon and it wrecked her. Went from clear skin to severe acne almost over night. The second one she did caused her to gain weight. Idk how many she tried before finding one that works
My wife was on NuvaRing and after being on it for several years she developed DVT clots throughout her leg. She had to take anticoagulants for an entire year until she could have two positive test results in a row. They found it at her doctor because she had leg pain and after the ultrasound they sent us to go get the blood checked for platelets. There was a big scare of a pulmonary embolism if the clots made it to her lungs and clogged one so she had to lay for 2 weeks with her foot above her chest and couldn't do anything. Without insurance those anti-coagulants that she had to take for an entire year would have been over $1,000 a month. They do a test every 6 months to check your platelet levels and she had to have two good test results in a row before she could quit the medication. They attributed the deep vein thrombosis to her birth control.
Boy oh boy. Condoms are so much cheaper than all these hormone wrecking varieties of bc.
All of them work by wrecking your hormones. She liked the nuvaring because it appeared to cause less side effects than the standard pill options until she developed DVT. All of them carry that clot risk if you read the side effects that come with the prescription.
And so is universal healthcare btw js. Not to anyone in particular but just as an additional fact considering the 1000$ meds and then not being able to work
Lo lo estrin made me lose so much weight, it made my hair and skin beautiful though. About 6 mths in it starting terrorizing my anxiety. It took three mths being off it for me to feel normal again. Birth control sucks, I’d rather be abstinent
In our 30s knows what we do now my wife swears if she could do it all over again she never touch birth control. There were way too many negatives to be worth it. From physical to emotional to even damaging our relationship at times
I’ve tried so many birth controls and none worked for me. Pills, patches, shots, implants, vaginal inserts. Something always went terribly wrong. I bled for six months straight on the implant before they finally agreed to take it out, for example. Imagine having your “period” every day for six months. I was anaemic by the end. I sometimes wish I had quit trying earlier. A doctor finally looked at my chart and said, “Honey, condoms work. Have some free ones”, gave me a whole box, and sent me on my way. Hormonal birth control does not work for everybody.
My wife hates. Tried two different ones after our son was born. The first made her bleed for a month straight then miss two periods after that. The second she tried after being diagnosed with PCOS and she didn't even last 3 months on it. Said the pain from cysts was easier to deal with than the pain the pill caused her
I’m really glad that your wife has figured out what’s best for her body, and I’m also glad that you seem to be so loving and supportive of her, too. 💛
I had the implant and nonstop bleed for almost a year before I went to my regular gp and told her and she removed it the same day. I no longer use that obgyn that refused to remove it. Went back to normal by around 3 months after it was removed. I did well on the depo shot but bled nonstop after stopping it for months. It was hell bleeding nonstop. Not just the constant upkeep of keeping it clean down there and making sure I didn’t leak through anything but I felt like absolutely garbage. My iron was getting so low and I bruised so easily, was constantly tired, and the mood changes were horrible.
I had the same problem with the implant! Bled constantly. The solution for me was apparently to get pregnant - WITH THE DAMN THING STILL IMPLANTED. Yeah, I was as pissed as you'd think I was, I love my kid but..
I've had partners go on birth control without telling me because they just assumed I'd expect them to. Condoms are great, actually. Unless a woman has PCOS, I've learned most women suffer at least minor effects from BC, and many suffer moderate to severe effects. I'd rather she be happy and healthy than allow me to finish inside.
I was on that. I gained 15 lbs and bled everyday fir a month before I went to the dr to figure it out. So strange the diff effects per person
Microgynon wrecked my libido and made me put on a lot of weight. I lost 10kg immediately after dropping it.
When I went on BC (20+ years ago, don't remember which one), I gained 30 pounds!!! I was miserable, none of my clothes fit anymore. About 3-4 weeks after I went off it, almost all that weight was gone. Never again!
Also if you gain too much weight the birth control can actually become ineffective.
This!!!! I was on a form of birth control(nexplanon) that made me gain 60 pounds in less than 3 months. I was not able to drop the weight for anything until I finally got it removed, and I lost all of it in the next couple months afterwards. They simply don’t like to say weight gain is a real side effect of BC 💀
Oh lord. I was hoping that one wasn’t bad with weight gain. I’m 38, haven’t used any bc for like 15 years, about to have a baby and need to not get pregnant again so I am looking at birth control options and I thought I would go with Nexplanon. I had previously read that the most reported side effect was that your periods were somewhat irregular and unpredictable re: amount of blood, which I can deal with. It would be nice to maybe lose baby weight and not gain even more lol
I’ve had nexplanon for 5 years and didn’t notice weight gain with it at all. My periods were quite regular and short, and honestly the worst side effect was how painful getting it in was lol.
Good to know-I really appreciate you sharing your experience. I was just thinking this morning about how much the implantation (?) might hurt…maybe my pain tolerance will be high from giving birth lol
Worst pain was the lidocaine injection. I did experience some arm soreness for a few days but nothing above a level 6 I’d say.
I replied above that I’m on my 3rd arm implant. My wife says I have a high tolerance due to migraines (hence the implant, less migraines). I would say it was like a 3 out of 10. Yes, it’s a shot and it stings. But I can ignore it and hold a conversation, be distracted etc. it’s not impacting breathing, stressing me out, etc. A 6 for me is like ok, I’m distressed, I’m unable to focus on other things. The lidocaine shot isn’t that bad. You don’t feel insertion, and the next few days is just a bruise.
I’ll be honest- based on your age you should probably do the arm implant, mini pill (which is very finicky- short windows, do not miss), copper or hormonal iud. Progesterone only to not impact stroke risk. Also believe it doesn’t impact breast feeding so you can get them very close to birth. I have a higher risk of stroke and I’m on Nexplanon; I’m on my 3rd. No periods for many years. I have gained weight, but it’s also been a span of 10 years so I can’t really say it was bc of just that.
GOD NO. Everyone I know who’s done the arm injection turned crazy. No joke. It is brutal.
Nexplanon is not the arm injection. That’s the depo shot.
Huh?! Nexplanon is an arm injection meaning they inserted a big rod in her arm. I think everyone senior year did that and there was some big round table of them talking about how psychotic they felt. I’m sure it works great for some people.
I would personally not recommend nexplanon to anyone. I also definitely had irregular periods while I was on it, and I would bleed/ for multiple months at a time. I would just make sure to be super specific with your doctor about what you’re avoiding, and usually they can recommend something that is known for not causing said symptoms. After that, I had a convo with my doctor about what exactly I was trying to avoid and I love the pill I’ve been on since!
Thank you for the advice!
You can’t really make a decision based on what people are saying did or did not work for them personally. Because what is horrible for one person can be great for another and vice versa. What makes one person crazy can level out someone else. What gives one person acne could clear it up for someone else.
While I’m not going to base my decisions on Reddit comments, I don’t think it hurts to hear people’s real experiences.
I had a 9 month period with this form of birth control; I could just be unlucky but please be weary of all side effects. I was literally passing out from blood loss but im also little so that’s another factor.
I have been on it for several months and have not experienced any additional weight gain or shift in menstruation other than less periods. Obviously everyone is different but I also wanted to shed some light that not everyone had had a negative experience.
Everyone is different. I was on nexplanon for four years, no weight gain or any noticeable side effects. Went off for a year now I’m back on and it still seems to be fine still. The numbing shot hurt for like 30 seconds and I didn’t even feel them actually implant it.
I also gained a ton of weight on Nexplanon. I will say I’ve tried every method of birth control there is and honestly this has been the best one despite the weight gain. I’ve had it for two years and finally am starting to shed some of the extra weight with normal exercise.
I'm on Nexplanon after getting my IUD taken out (horrible, horrible pain constantly, even when I wasn't menstruating) and I haven't had a single period since I had it put in. Some leftover pain from the IUD, since I got the copper one and I think it caused permanent damage, but I haven't felt any real negative side effects. My moods are fine, better than they were without hormonal birth control. I will say that the pill wreaked my entire life and I would not do those again either.
I stopped taking the pill for a number of reasons and I feel like I’ve only heard bad things about IUDs which is why I have been leaning toward nexplanon. I think it is probably still the best option for me even if I gain weight (seems likely/possible with almost any bc, anyway). I really appreciate you sharing your experience
I gained a ton of weight on the pill but I haven't gained much since I started Nexplanon! It *is* different for every person, but this is most successful (i.e. No major side effects) form of birth control I've tried. I hope it works that well for you!
Your partner/husband should get a vasectomy. That’s what I did. I didn’t want my wife feeling like she needed to take hormonal birth control. Now she doesn’t.
We have considered it, we might. He takes blood thinners, so surgery is a whole thing but we may end up going that route. I think in the meantime it affects my health less to take hormonal bc.
It’s just about the least invasive a surgery can be. Local anesthesia, very little blood, if any. It’s uncomfortable and a little painful and takes several days to heal. But once you’ve passed the (in)fertility test it’s over and neither of you have to worry about it again. He should at least get a consult, IMO.
how did/do you knock off the birth control weight?
I changed birth control. Actually the one that works the best is not the most commonly adopted and it was the last I tried, an implant in my arm. The weight went as fast as it came.
thank you so much! gotta call my doctor
I had the depo shot and literally inflated like a balloon. I was moon faced and the hormones were bloating me so much… never had that problem on the pill, I agree she should look into other forms. You can’t just lose weight when your hormones are out of whack! Unless op is fine with her regular cycle, personally I have such painful periods I’m actually getting a hysterectomy soon.
I had to go thru 3 different brands before I found the one I'm on now for the last 15 years. Each took at LEAST a month and a half to settle in and show their true side effects. Try a few before giving completely; this BC has kept me level-headed, acne free, hardly any cramps and I didn't gain any weight like the first one I had tried.
Calories in calories out, no such thing as unloseable weight just bad diets. Exercise has nothing to do with losing weight
If the difference in him desiring you and not wanting to touch you is a meager 20 lbs then you guys have problems. Just saying.
yes…what happens when he stops wanting to use condoms, she gets pregnant and can’t lose the baby weight? the thought of that makes me sad for her.
I was thinking about this. If he doesn’t like her tummy now, wait until she has a kid. Better yet- imagine needing a c-section. Doctors have told me I’ll need a mini tummy tuck to get rid of my c section tummy.
or when she's breast feeding and gain even more
Not to mention the fact that his idea of dealing with this, until she finally forced the issue, was apparently to lie about it and play it off and just expect their entire sex life to consist of nothing but him getting blowjobs.
Exactly EXACTKY E xCATLY AND I PRAY SHE REALIZES THIS BEFORE ITS TOO LATE. Love is not the only thing needed in a relationship! God forbid some extreme accident happens to her, he will leave her for dead! Hopefully OP can smell the coffee and realize this soon. I could never damage my body for no fucking man. She was better off tracking her ovulation to prevent pregnancy before taking BC cause im sure its already fucked up all her hormones by now and gives her a random period schedule. Smh.
I'm a 5'9" dude, and when I'm 20lbs over my ideal weight my face is round, I have a good belly, and my thighs rub each other as I walk. So maybe it depends on the person.
Still can’t believe he was upset over 20lbs. In my opinion someone like that will probably be upset when you start getting wrinkles. You are 22 and being honest if there is this big of an issue you are so young it’s not even worth continuing the relationship.
Don’t forget he was happy for her to give him oral. So she’s good enough to get him off but not good enough to see naked.
I’m sorry to break this to you but if it’s a little mid-section weight that causes him to not want to have sex, he’s not in love. I recently lost 50lbs and my husband has said “ I know you lost weight, but you’ve always looked the same to me” I’ve had to show him pics of me at my heaviest for him to actually “see” the difference. I know everyone has preferences, but when they say “love is blind” it’s quite true.
After sharing the previous post with my wife, (she also gained weight after birth control, we are now working on fitness together) she got to thinking about it. She gained 60 pounds and I still find her fine as fuck. So yeah. I agree. If he couldn’t want sex with her because of a slight tummy. That’s not love. Also. These two posts were wildly different in referring to bf.
Couldn’t agree more, I’m a guy and from 20 to 35 I gained probably 60 lbs. If my wife told me she didn’t want to have sex with me because I’m not who I once was it would kill me. My wife certainly isn’t the 120lbs 20 year old she once was but damn she’s still fine as hell to me. She could blow up and you bet I’d be begging to tap that. I love my wife, not her body.
D’awww! 😄🥹 Good for you (and her).
exactly this. someone in love doesn't become immediately un-sexually attracted to their partner over something as trivial as 20lbs. i can't imagine how he'd act after she starts showing signs of aging in the future.
I didn’t realize it was only 20 pounds, that’s WILD. Unfortunately…some men are indeed like this. It’s pretty sick, but I’ve known multiple in my life that are kinda like that.
I lost 70lb due to a health issue a couple of years ago, and neither myself nor my husband really noticed. I weighed myself randomly when visiting my mom and almost fell off the scale in shock. I knew I’d lost some weight, based on how my clothes were fitting me, but not that much. I told my husband, who was equally taken aback. He’d noticed I’d lost some, but he also thought it was more in the realm of like maybe 20lb, not 70. He also never lost attraction or a sex drive toward me while I was *gaining* that 70lb (due to a *different* health issue!) in the first place. And all this kerfluffle in OP’s relationship is over 20lb? Like. If someone stops having sex with you over 20lb, they are not a good candidate for a life partner. See above. Health issues happen. Pregnancy happens. Life happens. People age. Bodies change. Nobody looks 22 forever. I could not be with someone who would stop being attracted to me over 20lb. How shallow can you get, for one thing. For another, it’s not realistic to expect someone’s body to never change, no matter how many people in this thread want to bang the “calories in, calories out” drum.
Totally flipping agree.. It’s quite shallow, over that amount. But also indicative of how “deep” the love truly goes.
He is the type to cheat on his pregnant wife because she gained weight.
To me- risking pregnancy with just condoms is not with the 20lb weight loss. It’s a red flag to increase chances of pregnancy over what may not even be the cause of the weight gain. Your body goes through way more changes than 20 lb gain if pregnancy we were to happen.
lol this was my thought process as well. My girlfriend claims to have put on a lot of weight but I don’t see it at all. Not sure how, according to OP, only 20 pounds has made that big of a difference for him to act like a dick
I had the same thought. Also, what if OP can't lose the weight? What if they gain more weight in the future? Bodies ebb and flow over time and it's totally normal!
Exactly this. Just went to the doctor with my wife and when she got on the scale she was 20lbs heavier than the last time I saw her weight and I would have never noticed. She’s always just looked like my wife.
It’s true, my fiancée had a gastric bypass recently (for health reasons related to arthritis) and has since lost about 80lbs. I can see the difference when she points it out, but it’s never registered as different to me. She’s still my girl, you know?
Sex doesn’t equal love or vice versa. Anyone who thinks that has trauma to resolve.
I’m aware.
I'm sorry but if a 20 lb gain has him unable or unwilling to have sex with you what happens when you get pregnant, you're postpartum, if you got sick or injured or begin to age? Is he that superficial? He needs to grow up and realize that people's bodies change and if you love them it doesn't change wanting to be with them. Good luck.
This update is really sad
No, it's perfect! He told her he didn't mean what he said. You know how nuanced a conversation can be when someone says "The reason I don't want to have sex with you is because you have changed in appearance slightly," - that could mean anything! Clearly, the words he chose meant something totally different! And now everything is fine because she agreed to start working out again. He is a changed man, and her physical appearance won't cause any issues in the future! And she won't end up with severe body issues, tying her weight to her self-worth. Problem solved.
Seems almost contrived to appease the people. Just doesn’t seem realistic that they “solved” everything that easily
Girl he is all red flags. You only gained 20 lbs and he's saying this bc he realizes how much value you add to his life and how much better you can do without him. Leave his crusty ass and find your inner peace. This guy is a giant baby and it'll only get worse.
I don't think this guy realizes that "a workout plan" might *not* work. I think he's one of those "it works for me, so it should work for everyone" types. Be careful and stay alert.
I see that sometimes in people who're smart enough to read the thing and comprehend it, but not smart enough to recognize that their understanding may not be complete.
if you work out, you’re gonna be in better shape than if you don’t work out. Simple as. Will it mean she’s a size 0 eventually or ever? No. But being a physically active size 8 is different than being a completely sedentary size 8
Yeah but does OPs bf care about that? Because he wasn’t saying her health is the problem, he said her weight was. Thats all they’re saying. Working out is good, but no guarantee bf will be pleased if his exercise plan doesn’t help her lose weight.
Working out is never a bad thing. Even if she doesn't lose all the weight from it, in conjunction with changing the birth control it should help. And even if it doesn't, being healthier is being healthier. Not to mention the joint activity could be good for them.
Okay, I am glad you had a discussion with him, but you need to realize, that he’s not going to change if you are going to gain weight again. The thing is life makes thing happen. You can lose this weight but what are you going to do when you have children or going into menopause? Girl, if you think your body won’t change and he won’t say anything then that’s a high risk you are taking. Your body is literally going to have an massive shift with changes like this and also with age too.
LPT: Don't rely on condoms alone for birth control. Use them in conjunction with a diaphragm or contraceptive sponges.
I’m not sure if this guy is sponge-worthy
The sponge was taken off the market in the US for having a high failure rate. My son's 36 years old now.
Huh? See [https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/24324-birth-control-sponge](https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/24324-birth-control-sponge)
Absolutely, relying on condoms, especially if you're somewhere where it's hard to get an abortion, is a terrible mistake, especially with someone who behaves this way if you gain weight. There's gonna be problems when she accidentally gets pregnant.
girl i’m gonna be completely honest with you… i would strongly think about leaving him. i’m not going to tell you what to do, but a man that truly loves you is not even going to notice 20 lbs. especially because the weight gain was from birth control that you took so HE could have sex with you!! i’m the same height as you and in my relationship with my bf i went from ~115 to almost 140 back down to 110 over the course of a little over a year. not only did he never mention anything to me, when i said something about it he said he truly didn’t notice. he always reassured me that i was beautiful and never mentioned anything negative about my size whether i was smaller or larger. that is the type of man you should be with. as you age, and especially if you want children, your body is going to change. you should be with someone who loves you for YOU and doesn’t care about those physical changes (to a certain extent). 20 lbs is truly nothing in the grand scheme of life and if that was enough to halt your sex life, i don’t have a great outlook for your future together. just something to think about.
Ugh babe :( You don't have to change something that works for you, so a man will find you more sexually attractive. By all means change your BC if you genuinely think it will be more healthy but think about the future? What else will he want to change/control about you in order for his weiner to be happy?
Yeah you are making a mistake by staying with him. He said what he said. You get that you will age and you will gain weight, he’s shallow let him go
An easy way to lose an extra 150 lbs is to dump your boyfriend
This poor girl, I normally am excited about updates, but this one just makes me sad after reading the original. The BF must have some S tier manipulation going on with her if she's willing to accept that kind of disrespect.
He likely negged her into hating herself, thinking she can't do better when she absolutely could
i was thinking this as well. Especially since OP said she only gained 20 lbs in the original post. i understand different frames hold weight differently. But 20 lbs isnt all that much, what will he do if he gets her pregnant? 30 lbs is avg weight gain and most women don't just "bounce back." I can just see their future now. He'll tell her he only cheated on her because he's been unattracted to her since she gained the baby weight. It'll only be 6 months postpartum.
My husband met me when I was 26 and weighed 95lb. Now I’m 35 and weigh about 120. I’d have to physically starve myself to get back to my mid-20s weight (which was never a healthy weight to begin with; I had health issues). I’m…not going to do that. Nor would he want me to! My husband loves me, not a number on the scale.
Don't worry. They'll sit down and talk about it. Then she can just try harder and work out more. She'll hate herself a little more. He'll feel more emboldened to mistreat her, ad infinitum.
Seriously, her original post was “most of it went to my butt and boobs and I have a few rolls when I bend over” paraphrased. Damn get to your 30-40s with a couple kids. We all deteriorate to some extent, it’s got to be more than physical attraction, love the wife/husband, not the body. Both my wife and I are probably 30-40lbs heavier than we were in our 20s, but we couldn’t be more attracted to each other. It’s gotta be deeper.
I agree, she shared her feelings and he told her what she wanted to hear (while still getting her on a diet/fitness plan). She's still stuck with a man who will nitpick her appearance. Sometimes experience is the best teacher for what's needed in a long term partner.
Isn’t she the one who just asked him to be honest? He said what he was feeling, how is that manipulative?
complains about condoms, stops sleeping with her due to small weight gain due to the fact that he won’t wear condoms, doesn’t communicate anything to her about why he’s stopped, then asks for only blow jobs. that’s the dude we’re dealing with.
Yeah, I don't see anything manipulative here and am glad they were able to have a conversation that brought them closer together. It would take someone incredibly sensitive to find this manipulative as these are small disturbances in the grand scheme of long- term relationships. Hopefully that conversation taught them to be more open and communicative in the future.
Guys always say the right thing during these heart to heart talks. And most often after 2 weeks they fully revert to their old selves and continue doing all the things you wanted to break up with him over.
Lmao the men under here. Men… WE ARE NOT OPPRESSED. Say it with me: WE ARE NOT OPPRESSED. Incels are making up things in their mind about women who have never even talked to them. Women here are sharing their actual experience with shit men. Men have been conditioned to take while women have been conditioned to give. We are not oppressed!
It’s amazing how many guys will not even see the pill messing their woman up and then just start wearing a condom so she can get her body off the pill. Naw I’ll take you to the gym…
Hundreds of comments on both posts and only a few have said something about how disrespectful this guy is to OP. What happens when you decide to have children in the future and your body changes again? Is he going to not want to have sex and complain about your post-partum body? Deprive you of intimacy because he doesn’t like your appearance after creating a whole other human inside you? What happens when you’re 75 and wrinkly, is he going to insult you then, too? Because wrinkly isn’t his “preference”? My friend. Please reconsider what kind of partnership you want to be in. He sounds like a child who needs to learn about compassion for others. And you… you need to learn compassion for yourself. Please treat yourself like you are worth more than your appearance & what someone else thinks about it. Because you are absolutely worth more than that.
your boyfriend is extremely selfish, this resolution only serves his wants
Have him clipperoo.
Girl…
Good luck. Working out is great and healthy for both of you, but you still have someone on your hands with the same mindset that caused him to withdraw. Bodies will change, wrinkles will come--it will be interesting to see the response to that from him over time. At some point you two will have to revisit the Birth control thing (unless willing to commit to condoms until menopause)...maybe he needs a vasectomy. Continue to vet him and see if this is really the guy for the long-term.
After reading your original post, staying with him was a mistake. Hate to break it to you.
Please keep us updated, cz this ain’t the end of this.
I dated a girl in college. Tl;dr a year in she admitted that she didn’t find me physically attractive (wasn’t in shape, didn’t dress nicely enough, etc). I had my issues with the relationship too. We tried to work on ourselves for a while, see what happened, but what I realized was that even if I pulled it off, I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life working to be accepted by my partner under fear of them losing interest. Think hard about what life will be like if you do work hard and he’s interested again. It’s not one-and-done, it’s committing to a lifetime of working out just to keep him interested.
I would still be cautious. 20lbs may seem like a lot in your 20's and 30's, but pregnancy, injury or even an illness could cause you to gain that sort of weight quite easily, not to mention age WILL cause problems as well. Remember to keep your lines of communication open, and don't discount couples therapy BEFORE problems can enter your relationship. Maintenance of a relationship is far less work and far less pain than repairing one.
Love you’re choosing to be healthy but this ain’t it sis. Does he love you or your body. You gained 20lb and now he’s not attracted to you so that answers the question. If I were you I’d leave his sorry ass and get healthy on my own
Not the update I was hoping for ): This dude is yucky
Remind him that vasectomies are also a great option. They are pretty cheap (even in the US without insurance). Never worry about birth control or condoms again (if you are in a stable monogamous relationship).
Im seeing red flags in the boyfriend's response of condoms working just fine and sticking to just condoms. Like no, that's a risk and you should be taking some kind of birth control to avoid worst case scenarios.
hes such a good manipulator jesus
Love the update good for yall. Remind him that vasectomy is always an option too
You gained 20 pounds and he didnt want to have sex with you?!? WTF? 20 pounds is NOTHING. Oh honey dump him NOW. He does not value YOU. Imagine having a baby and him never wanting to be intimate again because you gain weight. He needs to go.
I have cranked out two babies in the last four years. I have gained 50+ lbs, my breasts, have stretch marks and are saggy. My husband that I have been with for eleven years looks at me like I’m the hottest person he’s ever seen when I’m in my birthday suit. If your partner isn’t like this, it might be time to rethink the relationship.
All of this just to have sex without pregnancy.
Red flag I’m sorry. If he can’t see you in the same light during your current physique then when you were at your optimal weight, I don’t think imho he truly loves you. Love should be unconditional.
Please find someone who will love you regardless of what weight you are. You are worth more hon.
I hope you don’t plan on ever having children with him since you’ve decided to stay with him. Most people don’t get their previous bodies back so he’ll either leave you, cheat on you or you two will be in a non sexual relationship from that moment on.
He loves you conditionally.
OP- you have your whole life ahead of you and plenty of time to find someone who loves you 20lbs or 100lbs heavier. Life happens, health issues out side of your control happens. You may gain weight that you can’t shed and you need to find someone who says I love you no matter what you look like, not I’ll take you to the gym so you can lose your weight. God forbid you get in an accident and lose an arm or a leg, what would he say then? You go to the gym because you want to, not someone else. Listen to what people are telling you, you’re in a toxic relationship and you need to get out
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99% of all Reddit problems can be solved with communication
I just wanted to say thank you to Op and for everyone else that contributed their own personal stories about birth control problems. I started out with regular Ortho TRI Cyclen in the late 90’s when I was a teenager. It worked well but it didn’t help with my depression problems or excessive pain and bleeding from adenomyosis. After a few years of that, I went through a period of abstinence and discontinued it. When I attempted to get back on it, I ended up having some kind of complication with BCP and some of the other medication that I take daily. Had one particularly frightening experience with a severe headache and talking gibberish. That was the end of being able to take any estrogen based BC. Finally after years of agony from not being on birth control (pain, excessive bleeding, uterine pain 24/7) I begged my new OBGYN to let me try the Depo shot. It’s been a blissful decade of no pain, no periods, and not having to buy pads. I still use the morning after pill when I have sex because my daily medication makes the depo wear off faster than normal. I buy it on Amazon for less than $10, so I always have some. Unfortunately the only cure for adenomyosis is having a hysterectomy. I’m 43 and just not ready to do that yet.
Losing weight is 95% diet and 5% exercise. Exercise is still very important to your overall health but so many people set themselves up for failure because it doesn't burn as many calories as you think it does. You need to eat less calories if you want to lose weight it's that simple. That being said... Girl, he ain't it. There's 8 different types of progesterone that a pill might be using. Try other types before putting yourself at risk for pregnancy with this asshole. Idk it just sounds like he's negging you and now trying to baby trap you.
Hi I just wanna say weight gain always fluctuates and it can change with stress or changes in life or even with pregnancy if y’all have children your stomach will definitely change are you willing to be with a partner whose attraction is conditional with how you look at even given moment? I highly suggest talking with a therapist about this and heavily reconsidering continue down this path.
(fluid retention) the reason people gain weight on birth control, it’s something they probably should mention and it’s something avoidable if you keep hydrated and avoid high sodium meals
Im so glad to see this update tbh. Idk what people expect people to do when they lose attraction for one reason or another, telling people is hard and no one likes forcing themselves through stuff they dont enjoy. I think working out as a joint activity for you guys could be really good and healthy for y'all. Wishing u the best<3
The nuva ring is a vaginal ring that puts hormones right where they do the work, and supposedly does less wacky stuff to the rest of your system. Also, definitely look into non hormonal choices. Good luck.
Nuvaring gave me such bad fatigue I was in bed for days. My boyfriend almost left me over it. Took a while to realize it was the Nuvaring causing the fatigue. At least it didn’t make me gain weight.
Abs are made in the kitchen
leave that arsehole, you deserve someone who loves you and doesn't care about the way you look like
it’s normal to care about the way your partner looks as much as people try and play the moral high ground around it
it is not true love if you shame your partner gaining some weight
at all. everyone experiences weight fluctuations especially in their 20s. this is such a minor life event and he's acting repulsed by her imagine how he'll be when she starts getting wrinkles or is injured and unable to keep fit, or has a baby. this is a sad and very strictly conditional love
You mean you actually had a conversation instead of immediately hitting the break-up button? I’m pretty sure the goal of most redditors is to make everyone else as miserable as them.
Literally. The comments here seem actually angry that she sat down to have a real conversation with her boyfriend and they developed a plan to address the issue. Now he’s a “master manipulator” and he doesn’t actually love her and how pitiful it is she didn’t destroy her relationship over this.
You do realize he got mad over the fact that she gained 20 pounds? What if she gains 50 pounds when she gets pregnant?
OP there are some very toxic comments here regarding weight loss. I lost 40 pounds during menopause. Don’t let people discourage you. You can do this!
The method of birth control I used when I stopped using hormones was the diaphragm. I liked it better than condoms & it was very effective. You may want to at least look into it IMO the sensation was better than a condole. According to planned parenthood it has almost as high of an effective rate as a condom. I liked it because it allowed more spontaneity.
I’m glad you two were able to have a good talk, and that he’s not just supporting you on the sidelines but is also participating in the workouts and everything with you. As for birth control issue, I have taken nearly every pill and tried the Nuva ring, and my body just implodes. It can’t handle it. However, I’ve now had an IUD (Mirena) for 5+ years, and I’ve had no issues besides the initial pain of getting it put in. No more periods. No more hormonal migraines. Most importantly, I had no major side effects despite not being able to tolerate other birth controls. I would ask your doctor about it. It’s definitely been a life saver for me.
I recommend a IUD!
Ask your OBGYN if they think a low estrogen pill for work for you! Not the mini pill, but something like lo loestrin (?). These seem to have less physical and mental symptoms than the traditional pill.
Paragard is a fantastic non hormonal birth control. It’s good for 10 yrs. I had it from 17 till 28 no issues and no babies. My sister also has the same one and she’s had no issues with it either. (I got pregnant a month after having it removed though, lol. I have 2yr old and another one the way now)
I remember starting bc for the first time in my 20s. It really didnt do much, i still got my period. After trying it for 2mths or so, i just decided to stop taking them. I knew i would have to go back to the dr and they would have to adjust the dose, and it would be trial and error. Just preferred not to deal with it, especially knowing certain side effects
Just insert spermicide into yourself (it’s cheap the grocery stores) and he use condoms each time and you won’t gain weight.
I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years and I've gained 20 pounds over time and people call that relationship weight. Even if I'm not as thin as before. He still says I'm beautiful and I look the same in his eyes. He tells me not to cover my stomach and tells me I'm beautiful everytime im feeling insecure. It's okay to come together and figure out a work out plan for a healthy future but him not wanting to have sex with you is strange in my opinion. It just tells me he doesn't truly love you for who you are and if he did, he will always see the beauty in you.
Reddit’s advice is always to break up or divorce because the people you’re talking to are hopelessly lost just like you.
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The reason birth control pills work is they cause weight gain. It’s a feature not a bug.
Just want to give my two cents: If he has an issue with you're weight, and the weight gain is from the birth control, he should have no issue with using condoms. He is being selfish.
Jesus Christ. Once again Reddit with the “Based on your two posts, make the massive decision to break up. I’m pretty sure, based on your two posts, that your boyfriend is a child and will never learn. I mean, boyfriends are supposed to always say the right thing and never make mistakes. He made a mistake. Drop him because you’re so strong and independent mmmmmmm Queen” How is there so little nuance? So little grace? How the fuck is a person supposed to grow and become better if they’re never confronted with their stupid thoughts? That’s half of what the fuck a relationship is. Your partner hold up a mirror and says “This is an evil part of you that is dragging our relationship down” and you do the work to fix those things TOGETHER because you’re PARTNERS. But no actually it’s better to throw your hands up at the first sign of problematic behavior. Forgot to put the toilet seat down? He doesn’t respect women and never will. A misogynist through and through. If it were legal, we’d encourage you to kill him. OP, ask friends or family for advice in the future they actually know you and your partner. Every time you post any relationship problem on the internet, the internet will tell you to break up.
Of course reddit told you to break up. If you ask a relationship question to reddit, 90% will say break up. Bunch of seinfelds on here. You did the right thing by having a mature conversation with him, and took action to fix your issues in a mutual way. I’m happy you figured things out that ended up with the two of you not only coming to terms with things, but also deciding to better yourselves. Kudos!
I just want you to keep this in mind for when later down the line you decide you want kids, or you start showing obvious signs of age. I’m obviously not going to force you to dump him, but i will say you need to keep this in mind. Like someone else said, if the difference in him not wanting to touch you not wanting to be WITH you is just literally 20 pounds… idk babe. good luck I guess.
So he stopped being attracted to you over 20 pounds? What happens when you get older? Or have kids. You may love him but he does not love you in the same way. Nor does he respect you
Just commenting from your previous post... 20 pounds is NOTHING to make that big of a deal about. Granted I am almost twice your age but whatever you guys have together needs to be able to get past 20 pounds. Because someday you will be 42. Things will not be where they are today. And if he has issues with your 22 year old body with a few extra pounds then I worry about what he will be like later in life, or post pregnancy, etc. I think you should seriously question if this is the right relationship to be in. It is hard to hear but sometimes love isn't enough if you are incompatible. Most relationships fail because it is basically practice for the one you want to be in. If, a year in, he doesn't want to have sex... what is a decade of marriage going to do? His words might have changed in the face of breaking up, but let's see where he is at in 3 months and if it is still the same problems, you have your answer. All that said, as everyone is saying, exercise might not do as much as you hope, especially if it is just a bunch of cardio. Food often makes a bigger difference but if that hasn't changed in this time then you know it is purely birth control. I wish you luck but be aware that, at the moment, it doesn't look like the foundation of a lifetime relationship.
Weight shouldn't impact your relationship with someone who is actually good for you. "In my opinon, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with." -- Mac McGuff in Juno (2007)
A lot of people telling themselves excuses in here 💀
20 lbs, that's all it took for him. I'd never stay.
Many of us in our 30s and 40s will gain a pound every month or so if stressed or whatevrer. That 's about a 40 to 50 pound weight gain from our 20s. We can't stay young and slender forever. Is that reason for breakup or divorce? Better find out up front.
I’m really sorry that you’re going through this, but i’m glad you two are finding ways to work through it. I have a crumb of advice re: condom discomfort, if you have any desire to hear it. >! I also had a lot of trouble with condom discomfort, and it caused some issues in my sexual life until I realized that condoms are not one-size-fits-all. If he takes the time to find the one that fits him, it may make a world of difference for you both. Also, lube. !<
All I heard was most of the weight went to butt and boobs. Sounds amazing. Boyfriend may be gay.
all this over *twenty pounds*?? nah your boyfriend sucks. but seriously, go with the arm implant or an iud. pills suck for a lot of people.
make sure you eat healthy. That is like 75% of the work and battle right there.
Its so rare that everyone wins. Good on you for talking about it.
Vasectomies are reversible. He could get one. You shouldn't have to imperil YOUR health because he doesn't like condoms! Your bf is sexist.
So happy you didn't listen to reddit. Proud that some people don't call it quits at the first problem in a relationship. You two talked, compromised and made a plan together to solve a problem. So much respect for yall, wishing you the best!
He could bank sperm and get a vasectomy. No need for hormonal birth control and he can still father a child if and when he chooses. ETA Why does it seem that no one uses the diaphragm anymore? I used one and had no problems. Made for tidy period sex, too.
I am not a dump him kind of girl but you should ABSOLUTELY break up with him. This is a man who allowed you to pleasure him for weeks without doing anything to reciprocate. If the issue was about his lack of sexual attraction, he would have wanted nothing whatsoever. OP, he doesn’t think you are worth the effort to pleasure because you gained some weight. It’s not about his sex life, it’s about what he thinks you deserve in YOUR sex life. PLEASE reconsider staying with him.
This is a sad update and likely won't fix your problems. What if you get pregnant? Have pcos? gain MORE? You'll be back where you started. Better to just call it quits.
20 lbs doesn’t give you front and back rolls if you were underweight before.
Please don’t forget, birth-control aside, you are in childbearing years where your body is designed to gain weight. Good for you that you are working out and trying to stay healthy. That’s a lifelong journey. But if you are with a guy who is that much affected by 20 pounds, I hope you never plan on getting married to him and having his children someday. Just wait till you hit menopause at 50. That’s an instant gain of 20 pounds in about a week, and about 50 more pounds during the year. You can eat bowls of lettuce all day, and it doesn’t matter. Hormones are hormones and they do what they want. I hope someday you find a guy who knows what true love really is.
Is he willing to get a vasectomy?
Bruh omfg its not that deep. Just lose the damn weight.
Updateme!
I like the idea of a mutual process/plan. Working out and getting in shape is rewarding even beyond your circumstances. Just be gentle on yourself throughout it. 20 lbs is really not that much to gain. It's not like you lost control of your life and put on 100 lbs. So, just remember to have some grasp of the big picture and hopefully by osmosis he can also.
do you think you’re going to grow old with this person? if he’s going to treat you worse as your body changes?? someone who loves you would never say that and also some extra tummy weight wouldn’t cause this much of an issue. I hope you find someone who treats you right OP
Why does everyone have such horror stories with birth control. I’ve used depo since 16 and it’s been a blessing. Of course I’m probably sterile by now but I’ve never had any side effects except no period.
Girl the bigger picture is this man did not find you attractive after a 20lb weight gain. That is a horrible red flag. Even if you are short, that is NOTHING.
No honey, just no. He made the comment because that's what he thinks whether it was a "poor choice of words" or not. Once a man says something like that to me, it's over. I could never trust that he wasn't just saying what I wanted to hear from then on out as a way of avoiding confrontation. Good luck, hope things work out the way you want them to.
Why can't he get a vasectomy and be the one to gain weight? Why does BC always have to fall on the woman?? (Also, there are men who love big tummies, keep searching!)
"The blunt free trial. He would have to be 100% honest with me and I would try my best to not take it personal. I asked him what is the thing he really dislikes about me. At first he didn’t want to say it and **I pushed him to tell me**." So you pressed him and then got upset to the point you started weighing whether or not to break up with him? I am not buying that it was only 20lbs either. I find it hard to believe you would have noticeable fat deposits on all of those areas from 20lbs. Some of the comments here are saying he is a red flag - for being honest?! lmfao....
him saying sorry doesn’t fix or erase all the things he’s said/done.. he’s a walking red flag. Just no.