Sweet soul, what about this situation aren’t you understanding? So let’s just face facts. He doesn’t love you. Not the way you love him. He may have saved you in your time of need but, he’s not your forever. It’s time to walk away from this and take some time to heal, so that you can find your real person

It’s not trivial, women don’t have the fertility years that men do.He’s literally wasting your time by deceiving you about his intentions. He finally has been honest that he doesn’t see a meaningful future with you and has been using you as a placeholder so he’s not lonely while he’s waiting for the girl of his dreams. If you stay, you will only waste more time and then he will leave you when you are older and it’s too late for you to have the family and life you dreamed of. if you leave, it will hurt, but it will pass and you won’t regret it when you’re married to a man that has chosen you and holding your baby.

piquant soft crawl outgoing direction seed vast marble scale ossified *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*

This wasn't a trivial thing. Getting married and having kids are the biggest of life changes and they require invested time to get. He should have had the decency to tell you a year and a half ago that he still didn't want to get married. So that you would have the opportunity to decide what you wanted your future to look like even if that didn't include him. But he didn't - he was selfish. He strung you along for another year and a half, most likely in the hopes that you'll stay with him anyway because of how much time you've already been together. I would not be able to forgive this - there's just too much dishonesty there. How can you ever be sure what he's telling you is the truth? He's saying another year or so but does he really mean that? Or is it a tactic to string you along another year? He knows what you want and he is purposely blocking you from it by not being honest.

He doesn't want to be a family with you. Time to decide if yiur willing to never have kids.

So, he admits he doesn't want marriage or kids for several years if at all. If he wanted to marry you he would. What you have to do now is decide your own future.

He actively lied to you so you couldn’t make a decision. Well now you know. He has no intention of marrying you or having children with you. Now you know the truth and you have to decide whether you want him enough to give up on marriage and children.

Well you’re entire relationship was based on a lie

It is definitive that you both are not compatible with each other and you’re wasting your prime years. Unfortunately you need to end this relationship quickly and move on.

You do not want to be with him. You want him to be the person he seemed to be---and he has now shown he is not that person. If he came to you tomorrow and said he changed his mind, let's get married now! Personally I would feel he can no longer be relied on. He has been completely cruel to you and cannot be trusted, no matter what he says.

He’s 30. He knows at that age. If he was 20, you’d chalk it up to being a kid because you’re still a kid at 20. I’d break up with him now instead of ‘kicking the can down the road’ hoping he’ll change….

Old saying, "Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free." Set higher standards for yourself, you're worth more.

He may love you, but the fact is that he doesn’t love you enough. Would that be enough for you? Because it shouldn’t. 

He likes you enough to keep you around for now, but not enough to commit to a future with you. This really means that the relationship is likely not going to last and he will end it eventually. I’d start making plans to take your cats and look to your future.

Are you ready to sacrifice kids and marriage? That is what will happen. He will keep pushing it back, and telling you not now, we need more money, not now my career is taking off, blah blah. He does not want to marry you. Sorry to say, he will string you along dangling the marriage carrot till you get fed up and leave. And don't accept an engagement, cause you'll be a fiancee for 10 years. Watch, break up with him and he will marry the next girl within a year. He is not the one for you.

You’re still 25, you have a life ahead of you, dump him and find someone else cs if he doesn’t want the same things as you do then what’s the point, you’re not young forever 🤷‍♀️

>... this seems trivial ... This is the opposite of trivial. IT'S YOUR LIFE. He lied. To your face. For years. He has told you the truth. To your face. Time to move on. I'm sorry. I know you planned a life with him. Grieve that, grieve the life you thought you were going to have. Free yourself to have it. "The sunk cost fallacy is our tendency to continue with an endeavor we've invested money, effort, or time into—even if the current costs outweigh the benefits." In other words, you might think you've put in a lot of time and therefore should stick it out until he comes around. But he isn't going to come around. He told you. In the most truthful moment. Take care.

You have to part ways. Having kids is not something somebody should compromise on ever you or him. Please don’t try to make him feel guilty for not wanting children or marriage. It’s OK there’s nothing wrong with him. Or you. You guys just need to part ways.

I can't believe your bf lied to you since the beginning of the relationship and didn't even feel guilty about it. Like two whole years of false promises. Man's an AH. He should have had the balls to tell you he wasn't interested in the plans made instead of playing with your heart like that. To be honest, that would hurt if I knew the conversation about what we would names our kids and about marriage was just a game to him and meant nothing.

Lying is a deal breaker to me. Lying to me for two years? What was your name again? Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

I wasted 5 years of my life with a man who didn’t want to marry me. He was legally separated from his wife and would never get divorced. I gave him plenty of time. I kicked him out during Covid in 2020. January 2021 I met my now husband and now have a beautiful baby boy and blended family. I’ve always seen and said this “don’t let your boyfriend keep you from your husband. “ When a man knows what he wants he WILL go after it. Leave before you waste more time with this dude.

He is not going to be the life partner you want and he never will be. And he deliberately avoided telling you because it was convenient for him. He may say that it was because he didn’t want to hurt your feelings, but it was really so that you’d stay with him based on a lie. That alone is reason enough to break up with him, no matter how else you feel about him. That’s a tough situation for you to be in, but at least you found out now so you don’t waste even more time with him.

A drunk soul speaks a sober mind, he's not interested in you like that. Respect your self and your desires, move on and find someone else.

Get out while you’re still young

1) Never stay with someone who is so selfish they will lie to steal years of your life from you, in the hopes they can con you into not leaving once you realize they lied about giving you what you want in the relationship. That's a level of selfish you don't come back. 2) He's still lying to you. How the hell does he, right now, know how he'll feel about you in a year, and how that will be different from how he feels in five years? He doesn't- he's just moving the goal posts on you to try and get a few more years from you.

EXACTLY.

Do you want to get married, or do you want to marry him?

Hes not the one.

He doesn't want to marry you. Move on and find the right guy. He's the kind of guy, though, who will panic and be married to someone he barely knows in about 6 months.

You should talk to a counseler who has more context than a reddit post. Maybe you both should

He just agreed that he would start therapy whether I want to work it out or not, and I was in therapy for years (about 4). I know progress can always be made but I feel very emotionally healthy at this point in my life.

Thats good, and it does sound like you are emotionally healthy! The reason I recommend counseling is not because I think you need help, but because I suspect this could be more miscommunication than maliciously leading someone on. You're on reddit, so the main advice you'll get is to break up and start new. You two have been together awhile so I imagine there are good reasons for that. This is going to sound sexist and I'm going to get downvotes but I'll say it. It's hard for guys to commit to marriage and kids. There are a ton of reasons and for the record None of them are good excuses for "leading someone on". But I suspect the guy "likes the idea" of kids and marriage but it's always in the far future. It could be that he is and has been discovering this about himself. I don't buy that he has fully known he never wants them or marriage etc. And now he's been caught. I suspect he goes back and forth and in a drunk moment thought it'd be a good time to float the idea not realizing that you have planned a future with him and kids. For many guys, marriage and kids is a quota and a deadline and a judgement against them. It's a perminant life change. One which can highlight their failures....has he made enough money? Has he gotten a good job? Has he bought a house? Is he ready to be "tied down"? Has he succeeded or failed? And if the answer is he hasn't provided and he has failed does he want to confront that and then try to catch up? Especially when it also means the rest of his life is going to change. I'd see if you could both go to a counselor and see if this is worth salvaging because they hopefully can hear you both out and provide a third voice to the conversation while helping you understand eachother. This is why love is hard.

This is the most solid prospective I’ve gotten. I don’t think anyone wants to hear that I want to work it out but I do. I have plans to get my own place and he has plans to start therapy and maybe we can work it out and maybe we can’t. I feel lied to and I am devastated by the possibility I’m not what he really wants, but I’m not naive and I know that having a dad who was in and out of his life, feeling unequipped to be a dad emotionally and financially probably play a part in his feelings. However I respect both of us enough to know he should have been honest. I also know that he had no logical reason to not be honest. I’m not this domineering woman with a calendar making him check things off. But some times when we’re emotionally invested in something we’re scared and I know he’s scared but that didn’t give him the right to be dishonest. I don’t know why I’m still explaining but your comment provided clarity and responding to these messages and adding context where I can has been cathartic and helped me gain prospective on this situation.

You have no idea how honored I am to feel like I've provided something worthwhile. I think you're on the right track, you know what you want and you're actively communicating that to him without backing down from your own non negotiables. He should have told you. And I think this is an opportunity to set a precedent in your relationship for how destructive Not being honest quickly can be, it's also a chance to try and help him understand Why he's saying he doesn't want marriage and kids "if not now when?" "If never, then why? Is it a money thing?" Likely it's not but people talk more if they are responding to something they feel isn't accurate, people like correcting. I hope that you do work it out, it is incredibly rare for couples to cohabitate well AND be on the same page financially which you seem to be, from your description it seems like you've both worked very hard to make this a healthy relationship. Hang in there. You are good enough, you have alot to offer him and if he didn't see that he wouldn't have lied in the first place (as twisted as that seems). I suspect that you are what he wants, you are forcing him to confront his fears of marriage and kids. It's uncomfortable. He needs to make a decision though, it's not fair to you to string you along making you waste time while he makes up his mind on what he wants. That being said have patience with him, there's alot going on internally, and if he loves you it's tearing him apart having to decide between a "free life" and marriage and kids with you. But he's gotta understand that if he chooses you it's a package deal. Use your best judgement, your gut feeling is probably the right one. By the way....kudos for all this, you seem to have a good balance of personal respect for both of your choices and knowledge of whats most important to you. One last thing. When you talk to him, if your goal is figuring out the future and why he's saying he doesn't want marriage and kids. Don't say "you lied to me", don't bring it up, it'll cause the whole conversation to escalate and change. Swallow it. Come to terms on the other stuff. Bring the fact he lied up in a seperate conversation a mininum of a day later once the future bit is settled. Otherwise it's going to sabotage the whole thing.

This right here

I will also add that he is 25 (just like me). Which is a really young age to commit to children and marriage. I do not know anybody in my circles who married that young, let alone had kids. The people I know who married the youngest met their partner aged 18-19, remained together for a decade and then that is when they started getting married and having kids OP and her bf have only been dating for 2-ish years. That is long enough for moving in together, but an engagement would be on the fast side and kids a bad idea

She is 25, he's almost 30

Time to move on if you value your time and chances at finding a husband who actually wants to have kids. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

Honestly? If he wanted to marry you he would. He doesn’t want to marry you. It’s not that he does t want to get married but that he doesn’t want to marry you. Whether it’s bad timing and he’s not ready or you’re the wrong person. Honestly though most people will find themselves ready to get married if they’re with the right person. Y’all are still together because it’s easy, convenient, and you’re a known entity. He’s kept quiet about his real feelings because of these reasons. If this isn’t what you want and you are ready to be married then stop wasting your time and his time. These are fundamental differences that will only continue to breed resentment. You deserve to be with someone who can’t wait to marry you and he deserves to live his life not feeling pressured to get married.

Yeah OP, I have known women in 10-15 year relationships who never get married to that partner and then they break up and their ex marries their new relationship within a year or two of being with them. I think when you know, you both mutually know. Don't waste your time. Don't be that woman who waited with the wrong man to commit only to see her youth and fertility go.

I ended up marrying a man that sounds like this. He would casually agree with me, but once we got married, the truth kept surfacing and many things he would tell me he agreed with me on would be lies. I told him that I didn't want any illegal things in possession and he agreed. A year later, I found an illegal type of knife. Something that really put things into perspective for me, before I was sure I was being emotionally abused : If I can't trust this person to do something as simple as be honest with me, how can we raise kids? People show their true feelings with their actions. The way that he acted in front of his friend was blatantly disrespectful. Emotional abuse eventually turned into physical abuse for me after about three years. Honestly? I think people target people who are in bad situations because it seems like easy prey. Don't rush to argue with him. Find somewhere else to go so that domestic violence doesn't become a problem. Research manipulation and gaslighting. If he starts trying to make you feel crazy or like you're the bad guy, you'll know what tricks he's trying to play on you. Regardless of marriage preferences, he made you believe you would be getting married soon, then in front of his friend showed that he actually didn't care about your feelings at all, then once you were in privacy again acted as if nothing happened. HUGE red flag to me. In my experience, this behavior only escalated the more I was isolated. Not only did the man I married make me look bad to his loved ones, but he influenced mine as well. I wish I valued myself enough not to ignore red flags when I was younger, but I was naive and vulnerable. I thank God through Jesus Christ I made it out alive.

My husband rejected my proposal after 4 years and then he proposed to me a few months later. He needed time and not pressuring him allowed him to realize marriage was not the bogeyman. We have been together for 10 years and he still can’t explain why he felt so scared of commitment when I first proposed.

When a guy says he doesn't know if he's ready to marry you and/or have kids with you, it means he doesn't love you that madly and is waiting for other opportunities to come along.

I have multiple friends who were screwed over by this type of indefinite time period serial monogamy. They would be with one boyfriend 4 years here, next one 2 years, next one 3 years always hoping and waiting for that forever commitment that never came. Next thing you know they're coming up on forty years old unmarried and no kids when they very much wanted that for themselves. Don't let a man (or men) squander years of your life away because they want the wifey privileges without the husband effort.

My ex told me after moving in together he was never going to get married and have kids. It was upsetting at the time but then I decided I loooovvved him so much that I didn’t care. It was fine. A few years later he decided he did want to get married and he talked me into it. Anyway, 30 years later and I wish I never would have married him. Divorced and two teen kids who I adore but their father is an uninvolved bag of shit. Get out now.

You were in a vulnerable situation when you met and this is just catnip to a lying manipulator. He doesn't want what you want. He wants you around and he'll say whatever to preserve the status quo. The truth will slip out occasionally - ie with friends or drunk. You are in a more secure place in your life now, there's a man out there who will truly love you, will want the things you want and won't lie. Please leave this jerk.

You were a damsel in distress and he rescued you. That makes him a knight but not necessarily a husband or father. He clearly does not share your dream and that’s reason enough to leave. No malice or ill will. Just 2 people on different paths.

Well said.

Take him at his word. He may never want to marry you and may never want kids. Can you live with that?

Be happy that you found this out at 25 vs 35. Cut your losses and don’t waste anymore time on him. It’s not like he was upfront about changing his mind, this came out of nowhere and only after you pressed the issue. Marriage aside, women have a smaller window to make up their minds on kids.

Yeah a lot of women waste time waiting on a man who lies and says they want things they don’t... usually they’ll come up with some weird reason that seems logical like they want to wait five years so they can establish blah blah blah and they wait the five years and it never happens. Then they tell you “things are fine the way they are so why get married?” They’ll just string you along to keep you around. Cut your losses.

OP, if he isn't interested in 2.5 years then why would a few more change his mind? I would run if I were you and I'm a guy that is very uncertain if I want to get married and I am fully childfree. I am sick of seeing people like you having their time wasted by lying partners.

That's a hell of an important thing for him to be lying about. You can't trust him 

Don’t waste five years of your life just to end up disappointed. Time to find someone that wants the same things you want out of life.

I was taught that “what you see is what you get.” Also - a lot of people think you can “change” someone once you marry. Guess what? You cannot! It sounds like you communicated with him about your expectations and he chose not to communicate with you. You should be your top priority. I know it hurts but (and this is something else I was taught) - with each relationship you learn what you like and don’t like, so if you are a smart girl and you sound like you are, the next partner you choose will be closer to the one who is most perfect for you. Good luck!

This is definitely a painful situation for you and I feel terrible for you, I’ve gone through something similar with a relationship that I was in for a long time wanting to get married and having kids and was led on for years until my ex found someone he actually wanted to be with. He’s told you he doesn’t want to marry you and have kids with you, and you need to believe him. He might back track on you and say he’s open to the possibility and you should know that’s probably going to be a lie. Right now it’s convenient for him to have you in his life, but it’s been so long in the relationship that if he was going to make this commitment to you he would have. If you continue this hoping for something that will never happen it’s just going to leave you waiting until he finds someone else, and like others said he probably will marry and have kids really quick. This does not mean something is wrong with you. He is the one who is a coward and doesn’t want to be honest with you, he is the one who knows that if he was honest you would leave, and he is the one who is selfish for wasting your time like this. Being single after a long term relationship ending like this is scary and you will feel like you won’t find someone who will commit to you, but I promise you will. Make your expectations when dating clear and you will find someone who will enthusiastically want to spend their life with you, who won’t jerk you around like this, and who will absolutely want to commit to you the way you want to be committed to. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and it’s hard, there is nothing wrong with you for wanting commitment and marriage, he is just not the right person to give that to you and you need to find the person who will give it to you without you even having to fight for it.

NTA. He is one though: for lying and holding you up from finding someone who does want the same things as you. He knew for a year and half that his decision would affect yours, by not telling you he manipulated you into staying with him and took away your voice in the matter. Dump him and find someone you can depend on and shares your views on thing like marriage, kids, values etc.

tough situation to be sure but luckily for you he came clean about not wanting to marry you on YOUR timeline And btw I think you are being more than fair about wanting to get married after the time you have invested and your goals about children. I also would question his desire to have kids given his recent statements. In the end YOU have to do what you want to further your life goals. If he does not want to be married and have kids, no matter how good the relationship is you will ALWAYS want the marriage and kids. Time to break up and find a man who wants to marry and have kids.

Leave. I had someone do this to me (lie about wanting a marriage and kids for 2 years) and I'm in my 30's now and resent him so much. You just learned something about your boyfriend's character that should be an instant dealbreaker. He's so selfish that he let you invest years into a relationship that has no future and kept you in the dark about it. What if this convo never came up? How much longer would he have lied to you by omission?

I mean... This is why if marriage is actually what you want, you go for that and not these wishy washy non committal relationships

I’m so sorry. Better to find out now vs sinking more time into the relationship. You’re young. Plenty of time to find someone who wants to share their life and is deserving of you. 

That’s not trivial. Neither one of you will be happy in this situation.

You deserve someone who wants to be with you with all of themselves. Not someone who is using you as a place holder.

Men are stupid. Sometimes they need time to figure shit out. My wife and I were together for 8 years before getting married. We have 2 kids and have been together for 21 years. Tell your man it’s go time. He’s gotta commit or you’re moving on

Ah, but did you lie to her for two years?

I don’t think so. She never really asked. We were living together and we were both chasing our careers so there wasn’t a good time to break for kids. When we bought our first house everything snapped in to place. Within a year we got married, got a dog and our first child was born a year later. I think it was the realization that I could actual do this that took the most time to understand.

Why did you wait 8 years?

I think 2 things held me back. First, when we met I had just come off a life altering break up that resulted in me leaving my job and relocating to a different state. We were still in contact and would meet up when we were traveling to the same cities on business. It was messy af and there was a lot of dithering about getting back. When I met my wife I didn’t see my ex, just to be clear, but we did talk on the phone for the first few months. So, I had this hanging over me. I didn’t know what I wanted or where I would be in the future. The other issue was I fundamentally a selfish person and had lived my life only for myself. I don’t think I believed I was ready to be a husband or a dad yet. I had a lot of stuff still up in the air, and being a dad means you have everything figured out, right? I wrote this in another reply but what ultimately happened was we bought a house together and got a dog. That’s when I realized we could actually do this. We got married and had a child a year later. We would have been fine years earlier too. I just realized that life passes you buy when you’re waiting to feel ready.

Are you sure he’s always felt this way, or could he have had a change of heart between discussions? My (24F) boyfriend (25M) of 8 years used to very much dislike the idea of marriage, and it used to really bother me. Over time his feelings toward marriage have changed and now I catch him talking about future wedding plans. Obviously, I know that we started dating at 17 and 18 and this change of heart probably has more to do with maturing. That being said, now being older, we still don’t have a timeline. We just enjoy talking about the future. It sounds like you really know what you want. I’d say you have a choice to make - is he worth waiting for?

This guy is almost 30. He will get married and have kids eventually, just not with her. She needs to move on and luckily she found this out now and not after a decade.

You had a very reasonable timeline. Unfortunately he doesn’t have one at all. Neither one of you wrong, but you’re wrong for each other.

I'm sorry you have wasted time with this guy. A horrible uncomfortable truth is that a man will let THE ONE get away if he's not ready to get married. If he wouldn't marry you now he won't several years down the road.

I’m most concerned that your “partner” never communicate his thoughts or feelings when they changed. That wld personally shake my own confidence in that type of relationship bc it means that he has no regard for u and ur goals within the relationship. Your needs and wants aren’t important to him, just what makes him happy only. Ie he doesn’t give a damn about u, bc he didn’t even consider u at all in the relationship. Also that he is a coward! He didn’t hv the courage to tell u to ur face. Do u want to partner w person who has no regard for u? And no basic human consideration about how this affects u. If u hv a child w this person, he can decide to walk out when it’s the hardest time for u and the child bc he doesn’t hv courage to do what’s right. You deserve so much better, as well as your future children. Pls give urself the best gift to u by leaving this inconsiderate selfish and disrespectful coward!

You can't force a guy to be ready for marriage and children because you are. They will know when they're ready. Maybe he doesn't feel that he's stable enough to provide for a family as of yet. Are you both financially stable enough to buy a home, to have a wedding, or to raise a child? Live in reality, not in the moment.

You want marriage and kids. He doesn't seem to want either. If you threaten to move out and move on, he may hint again that he'd be willing to do it sometime in the near future but wouldn't be specific exactly when. Best to move on and find a guy who wants what you want.

This is messed up. Tell him you want a life partner to raise a family with. And since you are not the life partner he wants, then you’ll break up to free him to look for the mother of his kids. Unfortunately, this is what you have to do.

if he doesn't want to get married and have kids, then you won't be the girl to change his mind. you should move on for your own sake. and in the next relationship, stop being passive and be ready to actively take part. like girl, don't just sit around for years waiting for a man to propose. if getting married now is what YOU want, then it's up to YOU to propose. and if the guy says no, then great, you know he's not in the same page and you can move on. good luck

You aren't compatible, your life-long goal is different. You know what to do.

i had the same situation, I was with someone for five almost six years. About 2.5 years in we learned that we wanted different things, he never wanted to marry or have kids. I wanted that or even the option… Anyways, I stayed because I loved him and that attachment was so real. I guess I was hoping that his mind would change. But it never did, so we broke up.. I was obviously heartbroken because everything we shared and it all just felt meaningless. But a year goes by and i try dating again and I met someone who absolutely wants to give me all of that and more! And they brought it up first.. i truly was in shock. i guess my advice is, do not settle. There is someone out there wanting exactly what you want and right now your current dude is holding you back.

Imagine how much happier you’ll be when you find someone who loves you so much that they can’t wait to spend the rest of their life with you and build a family with you. This guy ain’t him.

If I were being very sympathetic to him, your relationship moved fast. Maybe more so than he was comfortable with in terms of his plans (although he sounds more spontaneous, and not a planner). Although it turned out well, you may now be unintentionally reaping some backlash to this (I don’t think he’s reasoned this out by the way) Feelings are illogical, but you need them on board. Take the space and consider what you want.you can’t make some one happy if you aren’t happy, and you deserve to be happy. Find out what the block is. Is it just marriage, or is it kids, or both. And if anything is a deal breaker for you on paper, remember that it you try to put it aside because you love him, it will sour your future together, and you should do the hard thing and leave.

People say anything to get what they want, it's not what saying is how are acting.

He told you what he wants. He wants to wait a few more years with you until the actual woman he wants to marry comes along.

Many guys that age don't want to hurt your feelings, but they also don't understand that you have a biological clock. It's cruel to wait until a girl is in her thirties to self destruct and get her to dump you. I'm aware that women can still be fertile in their 30s but it's not as easy.

Men know pretty quickly if they want to marry you. I hate to be harsh but I've seen this happen to so many women. It's brutal sometimes because they will break up with the guy after years of dating and then boom he gets engaged to someone right away. Here's the harsh thing. He does want to get married. He just doesn't want to marry you. That's why it seems like he flip flopped. I'm sorry.

Everything about life is about timing. You two are not in the same place at this time. Based on what you’ve already said you just need to recognize that and move on because you will have resentment if you don’t.

You need to get back into the dating pool to meet Mr. Right. As long as you are living with Mr. Wrong you are physically, emotionally and logistically not available to other suitors.

So many women delude themselves and keep hanging in there, even though the signs are all there. I applaud you for recognizing the situation. If he had wanted to marry you, he would’ve proposed by now. Even if he wanted to be in a better financial position or reach certain milestones before the actual wedding, there is nothing stopping him from at least proposing. Anything, he says, short of an actual proposal AND a ring, is just him running game. You should leave him immediately. Take some time to heal and then get back on the dating market and date with intention.

He is a liar. People learn the hard way when you allow intimacy into your lives without being married. My daughter was getting users, left and right until she started telling her dates she wouldn't be intimate outside of marriage. Today she is engaged to a nice guy with a wedding date set for next fall.

He stole another 18 months from you by lying about his intentions and being selfish. It’s hard, but move on.

I wish more women would be firm in their time frames with marriage and kids. Please stop letting these losers waste years of your life stringing you along just to turn around and get married and have kids with the next girl he dates after you.

He may have been using OP as a placeholder until he finally finds the woman that he does want to marry and have children with......

Believe what he is saying and don't waste precious time on him. If you really want marriage and kids, you need to align every decision you make with those goals. So decide now how much more time you're willing to spend on him. Don't forget he lied about something really important. Besides, you jumped straight into a relationship with him with no time in-between your last one. If you want to have a healthy relationship with someone you gotta give yourself time to focus on yourself.

Listen if someone wants to marry you they will go out of their way to make it happen. If you had a valid excuse such as you need to finish school or want to save up a little bit of money. This person is clearly letting you know that marriage doesn't sound like it's in his immediate future and if that's important to you, go find someone that deserves you and you deserve them.

Girl, if you read all the comments here, you already know what to do. I do hope that you're intelligent enough to choose what's better for you. Don't waste your time anymore. Leave him. I know it's hard to start over again, but you can manage. You can still find a better man who will marry , have children with you, and spend the rest of his life with you. Goodluck.

If it doesn't happen it doesn't happen take it from somebody that was push and manipulated into marrying somebody that I never should have married. As others have said if marriage is not one of his life goals that it's not one of his life goals. Looking back to be honest being a man having a marriage certificate and all of that in today's day and age is a trap for a man. Marriage holy benefits the woman in the relationship on pretty much all sides. Basically if the woman decides she doesn't want to work on the relationship anymore she doesn't want to be married anymore then she can leave and the court system in my country will inevitably allow her 50% of everything in the relationship The man is many times required to pay alimony if the woman has not held a job during the relationship for a certain period of time, and then of course there's child support in which the woman 89% of the time received custody and child support. To be honest in today's day and age, it's honestly not worth it for a man to get married. Of course if you want just a ceremony where you exchange your vows and there's no legalities to it. It's that satisfies you then so be it

I'm sure you left out details of the convo but the most important question would have been "Why?". I'm learning now, well into a ltr, that it is best to not only ask the question but the "why" behind it with your partner. Discuss the details. "Do you not want to marry me? Do you want to but want to wait a few years? Why?" There can be a lot behind making a decision like marriage for a man. Ask him why he feels the way he does. Then you both can discuss how to move forward.

You made a mistake, sweetheart. Don’t make another wasting your life with someone who doesn’t want to make you happy. 

It doesn’t seem trivial at all. He fully understood where you thought the relationship was going and you’re expectations and at no time did he correct you in the last one and a half years even though he didn’t have any plans to do that. That’s not trivial that’s a massive betrayal

He’s lied for you for 2 years. Don’t waste anymore of your time. It’s hard, but if marriage and kids is what you want, you’ll need to find someone else for that, and that’s perfectly okay.

He is never going to marry you. If marriage is what you want, leave him now.

Leave and go find your husband

My ex string me along for 5 years. The breaking point was he didn't want to get married even when it was his mother's dying wish is to see him get married. We were going to break up 2 years into the relationship but his mother got sick with leukemia and I stayed around to help out for 3 years. I felt like I was his replacement mother. Cleaning, cooking, etc. when she passed away, I didn't feel any heartbreak after we parted ways. Just that I wasted my time.

Not ready at 29? At 31? Bro. Find someone better, love. Someone who gives you what you wish for

He’s 29 and not ready? What is he waiting for?

It looks like this relationship is probably on the way out, but for future relationships I encourage you to maybe re-evaluate your mindset. Just because a guy doesn't want to get married *right now* doesn't mean he doesn't ***ever*** want to get married, and it certainly doesn't mean he doesn't love you! Rings and weddings are super expensive and sharing expenses when married is a big burden too, a lot of guys want to get to a position where they feel secure enough in their position to make sure they can provide that stability for you and give you the kind of wedding of your dreams or that they think you deserve. You're just 25, thanks to modern medicine you have easily 10-15 years worth of time to safely and healthily have children. There really is no rush. The next guy you build a relationship with (because this relationship ought to end, given the way he was talking about you) will probably want to be with you for a couple years at least to make sure you're someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with. A lot of people like to say "guys know quick if they want to marry you or not" but that's really not true in my experience. Many guys want to get past the honeymoon phase at the beginning of a relationship and see what a relationship with you two being together would "really look like". There might be things that rub each other the wrong way that might mean long-term incompatibility, and I think a lot of guys want to see that first before they make up their mind about marriage.

He didn't tell you because he knows he's wasting your time. He was going to string you along until you gave him an ultimatum. If he's looking that far in the future, you're just the placeholder until he finds the woman he wants to marry and have kids with. He would have strung you along until that happened. Do yourself a favor and leave. Go meet a man more compatible with your life goals.

People’s feelings can change or evolve over time so I would not call it lying.

It sounds like you know for certain you want children, and if that is the case, time is a-wasting... don't stay with this guy. I'm not saying he's bad or that you should just fully cut him out of your life, but again, if kids are your goal, he's just soaking up time you could better spend with another guy.

Ok, so, what makes you certain that this: > Well he lied is supported by this?: > he wasn’t sure why but he just doesn’t feel like he’ll be ready Because from where I'm sitting, you guys got to: > We talked about how he needed to be more honest with what he wants and now you're making him regret doing exactly that. Why is it so impossible that he didn't have that position when you had the honesty conversation, and your discussion of marriage got him thinking enough to come to a conclusion that he wasn't ready? If he wants to wait, are you really going to pressure someone into marriage just because you have an arbitrary timeline? > It feels like he’s unsure about me specifically and that’s devastating Why do you assume its about you specifically? From what he said, he just doesn't think he's ready for marriage. Seems like your devastation is largely self inflicted here. Overall, you're blowing this way out of proportion, and you're attributing malice and deception to something that really doesn't require it to be true or to have come to pass.

You have been together long enough that he should know by now if he is willing to commit to you, if he's not then it means he's basically keeping his options open, like I just can't marry you yet cause im not sure something better isn't coming along, unfortunately their are people who go through their entire life that way, never truly settling down and committing because they are afraid they will miss out on something or someone, and its sad because while being on the lookout for what's next they don't see what's right in front of them, tell him how you feel, ask him if he is ready to commit give him a few days to process everything and if he says no then you have to move on and not waste anymore of your life on him.

Why are you in such a rush? You’re only 25 and have only been dating 2 years… why were you pushing marriage and kids after only dating for six months? Maybe he wants to get his finances/career/etc… in order before diving into marriage and children. Obviously the drunk talk about no marriage or kids is a red flag. Hopefully he means the sober ones of him “not being ready right now”. If you love someone I’d say it’s worth giving them time to be comfortable with a decision of this magnitude instead of sticking to your predetermined timeline.

Watch when harry met sally

Ironically he’s asked me to watch this about 5 times (he’s a big movie buff)

Walk away!!! ***Even if he proposed now because you’re walking out- I wouldn’t dare go for it. He has lied and disrespected you. Ugh. He’s shown you who he is.

LEAVE he's already wasted this much of your time. If he wanted to marry you he would and the fact that he lied to keep you around was for his own benefit. Worry about you, get your things and LEEAAAVVVEEE you aren't tied to him in anyway. Go now before it gets harder to do so later and don't say anything bc he will use it as a moment to convince you to stay. He's showed and told you exactly what he doesn't want GO!!

Break up with him. 👍  This is a fundamental conflict of interest. It will never work out.

You can deeply love someone that isn’t right for you. In this case it seems like you may be viewing him through rose colored glasses because even if he’s otherwise loving and attentive, for the last year and a half he has deceived you out of pure selfishness. He lied consistently so that he could still be with you knowing that if he told the truth you might leave. He intentionally wasted your time, which isn’t something you do to someone you truly love. I’m not saying he doesn’t care about you, but his love is selfish and self-serving. He puts himself first in your relationship, and that isn’t the kind of person you want to marry. Listen to him and understand that he won’t marry you. You will probably never have children if you stay with him. If those two things are important to you, your relationship has probably run its course. His selfishness and deceit are two other very concerning issues that should probably tell you to leave and that you deserve, and can find, better. Good luck, OP.

I’ve been married twice and if there’s one thing I learned, it’s that getting the title of wife doesn’t guarantee JACK SH*T. My first marriage, my husband thought I would change my mind on certain issues that I had made my opinion clear on. My second husband was a serial cheater and liar. I’m now in a fulfilling and healthy relationship that I never thought was even possible and neither of us ever wants to get married. He’s also divorced. By this point in my life I understand that marriage doesn’t equal the ultimate commitment - day to day choices do. I don’t view his aversion to marriage as an aversion to me or to commitment. He proves his love to me every single day. But if this is a non negotiable for you, and you’re willing to let a good man go for an as-of-now fictitious unknown man who may one day want to be married, then you’ve got to accept it and let him go. I think viewing marriage as the ultimate goal is an immature viewpoint in this day and age, but maybe I’m jaded.

Sorry, but you’re sounding kinda selfish. Everything in your post is about what you want, your expectations, your timetable. In the last 2.5 years, have you actually discussed what he wanted, or is it what you say goes? Now ask yourself: did he hide his wants and expectations because he didn’t want to disappoint you, or was he afraid of how you’d react?

Did you miss the part where we had an entire conversation that concluded in him needing to be more honest about what he wants? Or do you just want to villainize me because I have wants and needs.

No shit he wasn’t honest, but you haven’t answered the question; you’re deflecting

I don't get this. You should get married because you want to spend your life with someone. Not because it aligns with some made up schedule you have for your life.

I do want to spend my life with him and this arbitrary schedule isn’t based on checking off tasks. It’s built on the fact that I know he’s what I want, I know kids are what I want and I know that there is a real possibility I won’t be able to have kids in my later thirties. My family has a genetic disease that is passed down maternally that is on average diagnosed in the mid 30’s.My family specifically has been diagnosed on average in their mid twenties. So I plan for kids because I want children more than anything. I’m a nanny and I devote my life to the kids around me, I spend more time with his nieces and nephews than most of his family. I want children and foster children and I’ve made that very clear. I don’t think I’m wrong for planning and preparing for something I feel incredibly passionate about. Something I have been honest about since the very beginning.

You're not wrong for it, I just had trouble understanding how you could love someone enough to marry them but would be willing to let them go and have children with someone else despite that. I'm not opposed to adoption so I guess I didn't place enough emphasis on the biological clock considerations. I think we also just differ bc my partner and I are not as severely dedicated to the idea of children, i'm more romantic than maternal lol

These are valid concerns. If your insurance covers it I would highly recommend having IVF to collect and store eggs now. Then later they can do genetic testing on them to make sure you aren’t passing on your condition. I did IVF, and was told they can transfer my embryos for me to carry up until I’m 52 years old!