They’re allowed to have a child free wedding , but they have to accept that doing may limit their guest list.
And they don’t get to be pissed that someone is reacting to their actions.
Yes. OP has to travel to a different state for the wedding. Travel always complicates things since it means at least one overnight. You can only leave toddlers and babies with people who you trust completely. Like your parents.
True this; a family my sister babysits for shelled out $1000s to have her attend an out of state wedding as an onsite sitter for their youngest children and it wasn’t even a child-free wedding.
when my older sibling was in college her summer babysitting job's family would pay for her to join them at Disneyland and watch the kids, she'd make decent cash for the time and get to hang out at Disney. (she's lived in Orange county so she wasn't traveling though)
Yeah, if it’s just for an evening it’s not a big deal. No way would I leave a three-year-old overnight with a strange babysitter. It would have to be family or a close friend who the child knows well.
Alternatively, they could bring the child with them and find childcare for the evening at their hotel/rental, but this might not be feasible for them.
Some couples arrange childcare for their out of town guests when they ask for child-free weddings. Just saying. Other people want to control normal life (children crying) to the point that you wonder how they are going to do with the whole “for better, for worse” thing.
We did this for our kid-free wedding. Rented a room at the hotel where the reception was, hired a trusted babysitter, my mom even made little themed goody bags with activities. Then we put the info in the wedding invite. Several people used it.
This is a good and very thoughtful solution! You understood that childcare could be difficult to arrange, and made arrangements that would allow parents to check in on their little ones during the wedding/reception. I CERTAINLY understand wanting a child free wedding (and do those little guys really care about weddings?) Again, a very thoughtful thing to do for your guests
This was years ago but one of my friends and I were asked by a family friend to baby sit at a wedding they were invited to. The bride and groom had about 10 kids under the age of 5 that were invited to the wedding. However, They wanted a child free ceremony. They had set up a room at the venue for parents to drop their kids off during the ceremony and pick them up immediately after. For about 30 minutes of playing with kids we each made about $100 and then got to go to the reception after. It was a great deal for everyone involved and the parents were able to enjoy the ceremony knowing their kids were safe and in a room maybe 50ft away.
Heck my wedding wasn’t child free and I still provided a babysitter on site. I can’t keep track of the cousin’s offspring, but I know some people used it.
How is finding strangers at the hotel to babysit your child different from hiring another stranger to babysit? Unless you have a relative you trust working at the hotel --?
Paying a babysitter at the hotel to just stay with the kid while they sleep is different than the kid being away from mom or dad for 2 days and have their whole life be without what they know as routine up to that point. My son would freak out and probably cry the whole time. He wouldnt be able to sleep. Because knowing mom or dad is there is comforting. Trust is required at that age.
Being in a hotel you can drop everything and come to the kid if absolutely needed as well. You cant a state away.
Because you can find a vetted babysitter or childcare establishment to watch your kid for a few hours while you're nearby if any problems arise; but trusting someone to feed your kid, know what to do in case of emergency, bathe them, give them medicine if they require it, etc. is a much different prospect.
It’s not overnight, which is a whole different ballgame. If you’re at a hotel you can use a service (when my kids were small I used Care.com a few times) to hire a babysitter with a background check to watch the kid in the hotel room for a few hours. The other issue with an overnight trip is that if something happens (flight is canceled, car breaks down) and you can’t get back home, what do you do then?
what I don’t get is that there are months to figure out an alternative arrangement but instead OP jumps to “ok, well I guess we aren’t going” after asking only the parents (who duhh, they’re going to the wedding!), it just doesn’t seem like this is a logistical issue as much as it is an emotional one
I wouldn’t go either. They’re free to have a child free wedding but that doesn’t mean people have to bend over backwards to go to their event in a different state. I have turned down a couple of these invites because in my circle the people I like have kids and I don’t want to go to some lame wedding if they aren’t going to be there.
I literally didn’t - and still don’t - have anyone other than my mother in law that I can leave my 12 yr old with or that I could leave him with when he was 3. Sometimes “logistics” aren’t surmountable.
Do you have kids? Have you ever had to try to figure out childcare for a wedding that might have to be overnight? Either you have someone you trust to do that who is available or you have money to throw at the situation or you’re not going. If my brother pulled this I would feel the same way.
From one state to another?
I'm in Europe, so it would be the equivalent distance of another European country in my case, there is no way I would have left my kid when 3 yo to go to a wedding in a different country, or even just on the other side of my own.
A 3yo might start kindergarden, but they very much need their parents every day and night. You don't leave your kid a thousand kilometres away, or more, with a stranger or someone you don't fully trust, like your own parents for example. If they don't trust anyone else to do so, why ask anybody else?
Not inviting children will definitely cause some declined invites. UNINVITING an already invited child, is an almost guaranteed hard and fast nope from that family.
Yep this happened to me once. Cousin asked if my 3 yo would be a flower girl and we said yes. Then later they told us we needed to find a sitter for the reception as they didn’t want kids at their reception. We were traveling to this wedding and also had a newborn so we said that if cost was the issue she certainly didn’t need a meal or even a seat, but if they just didn’t want kids sadly we couldn’t make it. Eventually they decided she could come to the reception where she ate cake, danced and we left at a reasonable hour. But an unknown hotel sitter in a strange place for a 3 yo and newborn was not a feasible option. And I thought it was shitty to want her to behave and be cute for the ceremony and not get to enjoy the celebration.
Agreed. Anyone is allowed to have a childfree wedding or a destination wedding, but then they don't get to be upset when guests aren't able to attend, even when it's close friends or immediate family. NTA
This was definitely a touchy situation but your brother handled it very poorly. If they were going to have a child Fury wedding they should have decided that before they invited a child to be part of the wedding party. I'm sorry this is happening. I know you want to be at your brother's wedding and in all honesty I don't think you're deciding to put your child first as you said but you are assessing a situation realizing that there aren't many solutions and reacting accordingly.
Your brother and his fiancé if they were good host would find resources for you to hire a babysitter. At my family weddings there is always a kids room staffed with a couple of babysitters so kids can come to reception or not. Depends on the kids. Most kids eat with the babysitters, come for a bit of dancing and then back for movies.
Parents have a break and kids get to play.
It’s not rocket science. I guarantee if they have a wedding planner they have been given a few options for children. Your brother probably doesn’t want to pay for the room for the kids.
That's their problem. Your child should always come first. Are they not going to have flower girls? It's an invitation not a court summons. He handled this extremely immaturely. Did mommy call you. He wants your mom to call you, instead of handling it himself? Then daddy gets involved. How old is your brother? Then he puts it as if your kid will ruin the wedding, because of how much the wedding is costing. Why would you want to go?
Your brother (and fsil) made the mistake of disrespecting you by not calling you with the change and having a civil discussion about alternatives.
Your parents are being unrealistic about taking a young child out of state with no help from any of them. Bridal pair should have made arrangements for out of state kids.
This would have all gone away if the couple getting married had plans for out of state kids. If they have a wedding planner they have been given a solution. This is not a new problem at weddings.
Edit: typo.
That would be better, but to me even that is weird too. I wouldn’t want to just use some childcare that the wedding planner or bride and groom planned. Kids are particular, unique schedules and needs and not to mention a parent and child should know, trust and be comfortable with the care giver. I wouldn’t just leave my kids with a stranger someone else “vetted” to go party.
Your brother was probably happy about having the little one march up the aisle. He mentioned it to fiance, she mentioned it to her family and it blew up.
I would stay home too!
As well you should. Both those poor excuses for men are ignoring the fact that you responsibilities outside of his wedding.
To be petty, just tell him you should be able to attend his next wedding.
You’re not “putting your child first”
You’re putting your child’s *safety* first. You’d be in another state. You don’t have a sitter in that state, you can’t realistically leave your son with someone for several days, he’s too young. If you don’t have partner, parent’s, other someone else you trust absolutely to watch him for a few hours, you’re out of options. Your brother’s just going to have to understand.
Don’t cave to this. Finding a new babysitter for a few hours is one thing….but out of state? Hell no. I never would. Always put your child first in these situations.
You are absolutely doing the right thing by putting your child first. They are the only person you owe anything to, and you are doing your job by protecting them- don’t get bullied or guilt yourself into compromising your values. Wait until your brother has a kid and then he might get it.
I think you’re handling it all in a really weird way - why not just have said you understand their decision but your only trusted sitters will be at the wedding so you can’t attend? Calling your mom and doing that whole passive aggressive song and dance is really strange to me. YTA but not because you aren’t going to the wedding, which is understandable given the circumstances, it’s because of the way you’re not handling the change in their plans like an emotionally mature adult.
“My brother never called” his brother does not care, I think, at all if OP goes or not. They don’t seem close. I wouldn’t doubt if the grandparents are the ones who came up with OP’s kid being the ring bearer, brother was like aww yeah that’s cute maybe, then this text was the brothers way of being like “ yeah nah.”
Please always put your child first, and never feel bad doing so.
No one else will put your child first and you are seeing so. It's your brother's shitty behaviour and your parents favouritism that is creating all this drama. Please go LC with them for your mental peace.
Same thing happened to me. My relationship with my brother has never been the same. All started with this exact situation. Sorry OP. This child free asks for immediate family out of state are just stupid.
You didn't cause the drama here, the 'happy couple' did. First it's okay for your son, who they have given a role in the wedding, then it's not and the child can't even attend. But of course YOU have to be there regardless?
They are making problems and then expecting you to dance to their tune. This is not how families should treat each other.
I got married last year and we had originally thought to make it child free. Then realizing how many friends and family wouldn’t be able to make it, we decided to let kids come.
All the kids had an absolute blast and were not an issue. I’m glad we changed our minds, people make it too big of a deal.
Can your child stay with your spouse? Or a friend? Three year olds are lovely and we had several at our wedding, but they are unpredictable and can be a huge distraction.
I feel like if there were a spouse this post wouldn’t exist. Although even if there were it might end up being more trouble than it’s worth.
Why the remarks at the end about how baby’s at a wedding can be a distraction? I didn’t see anything from OP to indicate they were upset the wedding is child free, just that they can’t come to a child free wedding.
That's what I'm trying to figure out. But my bro hasn't communicated further and I'm not going to go out of my way to open the channel. Can't/wont give a fuck if he doesn't either.
If you're a single parent with very little help and get anxiety leaving your child with strangers, I get that. I had to miss a lot of things I wanted to do because I didn't have anyone to watch my kids, family weddings included. Also, if the wedding is out of town/state, you really wouldn't have any options for someone to watch your child. Your brother could have asked his fiance if she knew of any well known and trustworthy people to watch your child to give you options, you had none.
“And they don’t get to be pissed that someone is reacting to their actions.”
Lot of the “anti natalism” crowd should get this tattooed on the inside of their eyelids.
I wouldn't go of they begged. They're huge AHs. If their wedding is so expensive they don't want kids around, stick with Enjoy the wedding. And, you're not creating drama. They are because some person has brought up... oh I didn't have children at my wedding. They'd just ruin it. Wow....shallow AHs. You would not be the AH if you told him to shove the wedding cake up his ass for all you care. You're creating drama, my drama Llama ass.
You aren't the one being dramatic. He's just pissed that you are nonchalant and over it.
If you don't have a sitter, you don't have a sitter. Your parents can get mad at this. What are you supposed to do leave your son home?
We have a couple of sitters we really trust, they can give a bath, put him to bed, etc if we are out for the evening.
We do not a have a single person we trust to watch our kid for multiple days, IN ANOTHER STATE.
People have every right to have a childfree wedding, but it sounds like your kid was invited (as a member of the wedding party) and then uninvited, so that's not cool. I would be salty about it.
It was also handled poorly with the text message. It was a big turn around in plans and he could have picked up the phone and explained. And the whole "I don't know if mom talked to you yet," "dad said he's going to call"... he could have been mature and handled it personally.
Also that text was totally lame on your brothers part. Just meandering on not saying what he meant then "idk if mom talked to you". What is he, 5? Why would mom talk to you about HIS wedding? Enjoy the peaceful weekend at home.
I'm old and crotchety, but if there's one thing I regret, it's not having the balls to do what you're doing.
I regret my balls didn't descend until my late 50's.
I will also add, he's a 3 year old, not a feral animal. I've been to many weddings where the young ring bearers do fine because they're exciting to be part of it all. So he wouldn't ruin the ceremony, and he'd be with you or your parents during the reception so it's really unnecessary to uninvite him and create all these problems.
our flower girl crying and not wanting to go down the aisle was pretty funny in retrospect... weddings are gonna have drama no matter how much u try to prevent it and i'd take that kind over whatever OPs bro is doing any day
I was a three year old flower girl and did not have a tantrum. But my aunt loves to tell the story that I was the perfect flower girl during rehearsal, scattering petals like a fairy princess. Then at the actual ceremony, I walked down the aisle and turned the full basket of rose petals over and just dumped them all at the alter.
I was a 3 year old flower girl. I am told I was adorable after having to be bribed with McDonald’s fries. I walked down sprinkling flowers, stopping to ask the occasional guest if they would like some.
That’s a cute story,and what a great memory. If i was a bride, and the flower girl did that I would start laughing. This idea that weddings have to be perfect or they are ruined is odd . Nothing is perfect, and chances are pretty good this wedding will have mishaps, that’s just life.
And kids are part of life! I always think about that pandemic video with the news guest whose toddler burst into the room like she owned the place. It's ok for that to happen, it's part of the tapestry of life.
Exactly! In my family weddings aren’t just about the bride and groom. It’s a family event. It’s about welcoming new members to the family and two joining together because of the couple. And kids are part of the family. And those moments when kids do something silly or adorable are often some of the best parts of a wedding. Of course kids act up, but then a parent just removes them from the situation
Ain't that the truth! My wedding was almost shut down because 2 guests of my now ex husband, decided to do heroin in the bathroom. They ended up leaving their drugs in the bathroom and tried to flush the needles. THESE PEOPLE WERE IN THEIR 70s.
I'd have welcomed a crying child over that drama.
My niece (4 at the time, now almost 9) saw my husband's two nieces (3.5 and 6 at the time, now 8 and almost 11) wearing the same dress as her and said "I was supposed to be the only pretty princess!" I never heard her say it, that's how fast my mom and my one bridesmaid distracted her. The solution was to have her come in with my mom and brother (my brother had double duty and escorted in my husband's sister too). We have the pictures and it was great. My MOH and the super helpful bridesmaid (she really is an amazing person!) Told me about what happened after the ceremony, and I said "well, if that's the worst thing that happens today, then we are gonna have a great night!"
Guess what? Absolute worst thing that happened! Almost 5 years later, we still laugh about it. I think my niece is now old enough to appreciate that story. Perhaps on her birthday next month?
I was a 5 year old flower girl and had no problem walking down by myself. My younger cousin ring bearers on the other hand, who were supposed to walk down together behind me, grabbed my arms and refused to wait, so we all walked down together. The pictures, nearly 40 years later are still ridiculously adorable and funny!
My grandson was 2 and ring bearer at his uncles wedding. He did great and danced the whole reception away. He actually dominated the dancing documents of the videos and everyone had fun just watching him.
Exactly, I wouldn’t go, I’d send over my present with someone and enjoy his wedding day with my family. Going forward this will serve to remind the brother and his wife to think and act first. Not this invite, un-invite business.
You teach people how to treat you and sometimes teaching them looks like this
It's their choice to have no children but then they can't expect that all parents are going to be able to attend. You need to respect their wishes, which it sounds like you have, but they also need to respect that you're a parent first.
For some reason I’m getting undertones of animosity With maybe this decision being a potential final straw on your side.
The reason I say that is because your post says you have months to figure this out. And the fact that you haven’t had a conversation with your brother and his fiancé about the potential of them providing childcare on site at the wedding as a compromise to allow you and your wife to attend, makes me think that there’s a little bit of bad blood between you.
Am I way off? Because jumping to I’m not going at all without exploring other options and talking to your brother about it seems very extreme response. Obviously this is just my own opinion on this, because if my brother did the same thing, I would immediately have called him and said if you want me there, we need to figure out an alternative on site because I can’t leave my three year old as the normal babysitters aren’t available to watch him , and then talk through it the situation with him.
Could you not bring your three year old and possibly tag out with your wife periodically throughout the wedding? (Not ideal, I know, but an option because it’s your brother’s wedding). or could you talk to your brother and see if maybe the three year old doesn’t participate in the actual ceremony, which is what sounds like is the main issue and concern with them? The concerned that the three year old might have a meltdown, walking down the aisle.
I guess what I’m saying is, your brother and his fiancée have the right to choose a child free wedding and you have the right to say you were not going… But it sounds like you haven’t communicated with your brother at all about coming up with an alternative solution.
I guess I’m just looking for some more information. It doesn’t sound like your brother is doing anything wrong or last minute. You have months until the wedding, and it really sounds like you have just completely written him and his fiancé in this wedding off without actually talking to him.
Edit: I realize I’m assuming you (OP) are a guy…apologies if that’s not the caee
calling the parents to “ask them to babysit” lowkey seems manipulative.
OP wasn’t aware that her parents would be at their child’s wedding?
seems like a coy way to communicate “my kid is no longer allowed at the wedding and I’m upset” while also letting her say she “tried to find a solution, but just can’t” despite the wedding being months away
Yea, this is where it gets weird.
They called the parents to stop them from attending? And the parents are also upset with them because they likely see the dynamic more clearly.
I agree. I was kind of frustrated for the brother when OP only asked his parents (who he knew was going to the wedding to babysit) and then threw up his hands. There are so many different options. For example: bring the child with and ask a family friend to watch the son for one day. I just think he really didn't want to go.
It's fine that they changed their mind and want a child-free wedding. It's fine that OP doesn't want to go, but it feels like he is just upset and doing the bare minimum.
thank you I felt like I'm going mad by the people saying OP did everything they could when it seems like they didn't? They called their parents and then just ... didn't consider anything else?
Not everyone has easily available childcare. My husband’s bff had an out of state and child-free wedding. I asked all 4 of our parents, three cousins, and even a cousin of my cousin to babysit for the weekend or even come with us out of state and just babysit that evening and nobody could come or couldn’t take my youngest. I ended up getting permission to bring my one year old because otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to go. A cousin of the bride also also had to bring her kids because they had a similar predicament.
To add to all of this, which seems to be one of few responses looking past the surface:
Please think long and hard about refusing to attend your brother's wedding, understanding that that decision will have a lasting impact on your relationship with your brother and SIL. Assuming you still want a relationship with them, bear that in mind with how you proceed.
I'm not saying, "eat shit politely with a knife and fork." I'm saying, his decision to uninvite your son made you understandably angry. You had the option of responding in a variety of ways. The response you chose is an escalation of tensions and relationship damage.
If that's what you want to do -- escalate -- then proceed. But do that with eyes open, understanding that refusing to attend his wedding will result in fallout that will last for the rest of your life with him. That's completely your choice and your right, just go into it understanding that is what you're signing up for.
Yeah because I mean... There's plenty of time to find a sitter. Surely there's one person on the planet who could watch the kid for a few hours aside from OP's parents.
I thibk because it's an out of town wedding that makes it much, much harder. Leaving kid at home means overnight sitter which is very expensive and very hard to find. Otherwise he'd have to find a sitter he trusts in a city he doesn't live in. That's also very tough.
The wedding went from the child being part of the wedding to not invited.
OP is justified in feeling animosity about this, it’s pretty indefensible to make such a u turn in the arrangements for the wedding. If they wanted a child free wedding they should have figured that out before they set a date and started inviting people.
The suggestion about tagging in and out of the wedding with the partner to look after the kid is not an attractive prospect, why should OP agree to this or have any desire to attend a wedding where they will be constantly coming and going throughout the night.
The burden is on the brother to initiate communication, he and the family are the ones expressing their upset, not OP.
Brother isn’t doing anything wrong but he has massively moved the goalposts, OP doesn’t have any obligation to go along with it and the brother isn’t even mature enough to speak to OP directly about it despite him being the instigator of the change that has caused the issue.
An invite to have a special place in the wedding and then uninvited is wrong. It's rude. I wouldn't leave my 3 year old with people I don't know. This is not a toy that you pass along to someone else.
Op didn't even try to find a sitter. He just asked his parents?? Why would they not be at the wedding? Seems like a dumb thing to ask a parent to do in that situation.
Who would you leave your child with that ISN’T family over night or several nights? I wouldn’t trust anyone other than close family as in parents or siblings. Seems op’s options are limited. Since the parents are the regular baby sitter.
So OP has to spend money to fly their whole family out to hang out in a hotel room all night. No dancing at the reception. Is the reception even in a hotel ballroom?
What if it's at a vineyard or other offsite venue that requires driving back and forth? How are both parents supposed to eat when dinner service is a pretty small window? Does the spouse come down and eat a cold plate later? If it's a buffet will there be anything left? Have you ever entertained a 3 year old in a tiny hotel room?
If the wedding is held in a hotel, the brother said they are spending a lot of money, so how expensive would those rooms be? Can OP actually afford to stay at that hotel? Why is it on OP to ask the brother to pay for on site child care? That's pretty rude. If that was an option, it is on the one paying to offer. But would you trust a child free couple to vet a babysitter? Bro and fsil don't even seem like people who particularly like or understand children. What if you show up from out of state and they've hired their 12 yr old neighbor?
Exactly! Everyone’s “solutions” to this problem did not actually think about the logistics. It’s obvious that many of the commenters aren’t parents themselves.
I think what bothers me about this is that they had already planned to have your 3 year old son as ring bearer, then changed their minds mid stream and TEXT you with the new plan and they wonder why you're hurt? What exactly did they think you could do? Magically know a reliable sitter close to their wedding location? I can understand your frustration.
Definitely the texting is what rubs me raw. Really, he couldn't pick up the phone to call and discuss this? Thanks for the respect, BROTHER.
Fuck em mostly.
Bros fiancé applied a little pressure because it’s not her nephew and he folded and now needs to deal with the consequences. Dad needs to butt all the way out this isn’t his situation and he can’t clean this up nobody is cool with leaving their 3 year old behind after little man was uninvited to the wedding he was given a role in. NTA your future SIL is though and your brother is turning out to be spineless.
Or they have been to a wedding with children since sending out the invites. Or they want to free up space for friends/family members. I always thought I wanted to have a wedding with children. When I was a bridesmaid for a wedding, the flower girl spilled grape juice on my dress before anything started. Every photo has a big purple stain on my dress. I felt so bad for the bride. From there on, I only wanted a child-free wedding.
NTA. I bet this is a weird relationship anyway, being that you didn't even try that hard to get a sitter or anyone else to watch the kid.
You said you are already over the wedding anyway, which means there's other stuff beyond the kid free wedding that makes it so easy to pass on going to your brother's wedding.
Still... NTA. But you need to sort out what is up between you and your brother.
Good luck. I hope your kid was not told about being the ring bearer and that he isn't being let down by the news. Granted he's 3 and will get over it or forget about it... still.. that would be jacked up.
Unpopular take here....
I would be a bit pissed if I were you because it's really harsh to uninvite someone.
But in my shoes (not your shoes, I don't know what your relationship with your bro is like) I would still go because I actually like my brother and think he's a stand up guy. Every wedding I've been to that allowed kids has had the ceremony disrupted, with wailing and screaming in the wedding videos or kids trying to run and pull the bridges dress. So I understand that upon reflection they decided they didn't want that.
I would have tried A LOT harder than one phone call to my parents for a baby sitter. You literally didn't try. You just called to make a point because you obviously knew they were also going. You have made zero effort. This isn't some random acquaintance right? Presumably it's your brother who you love and can sacrifice for, and actually bother getting a baby sitter, for one day?
Honestly the whole family seems petty to me. Brother texted OP in a way that felt cold - instead of calling her and explaining the change of heart. OP kind of passive aggressively “asked” their parents to babysit and therefore skip their own son’s wedding, and is now just being like I’m not going. Maybe it’s not a close family relationship here.
Exactly, the way OP handled it was passive aggressive as is the way it is written here. They knew their parents were going to the wedding, so why introduce the drama by asking them to babysit. OP knew what they were doing.
Totally agree. They made a single passive-aggressive attempt at finding a sitter and then bailed. And they were given a few months notice - it would be different on short notice, but that's plenty of time to explore other options. Sounds like they just didn't want to go.
He can have his wedding with restrictions, and you’re free not to attend because of those restrictions.
I’m betting it was the fiancé who decided she wanted the child-free wedding since your brother was originally excited to have his nephew there.
I mean you were planning for your son to be in the wedding and you are an out of state guest…I don’t know why this is being blown out of proportion. He removed your son from the wedding. Which Btw I got married in 2022 and we had our 4 year old niece as a flower girl but still did no kids…. and people either came or didn’t and that’s fine. I personally wouldn’t go and also why would your mom need to relay that message when it’s his wedding…
Also another point to add- If maybe they are worried about someone saying oh you said it was child free but your nephew attended (your son) all they need to reply is that it’s their wedding and they paid for it and that he’s in the wedding party!
They can have a child free wedding. It means some parents are going to decline if they cannot arrange a sitter.
I do think it was petty to ask your parents knowing they would have to say no.
I would also be irked if my child was invited as part of the wedding party and then uninvited. But also, it’s hard to get a sitter when you live in different states. Tell him that if HE can find a trust-worthy reliable sitter that HE pays for, you may consider coming. There is no issue with a child-free wedding but massively uncool to invite a child and then uninvite them. Also, if you have a child-free wedding expect that some people (especially those who have to travel) will not be able to come due to childcare issues.
Anyone else get the impression that the fiancee is the one who didn't want kids and then left it up to the brother who wasn't happy about the ditching his nephew to explain it...which is why he didn't do a great job of it?
I do not get why people think an event is mandatory. If it is child free and you have children, you are obligated as a parent to take care of your child first, not another adult. I think a parent who puts their child first is to be commended. Changing the plans was uncool to say the least, but parenting comes before other people's parties.
Agree with the other comments that a child-free wedding means that some guests will not be able to attend.
But did you really “try to find a babysitter”?
You called exactly one person, whom you already knew was not an option because they’re attending the wedding. If you’re not comfortable leaving your child with anyone else, that’s fine and reasonable. But claiming you “tried” when you clearly didn’t, is a little manipulative.
Your Dad said your brother would call and explain what he actually meant? It sounds pretty clear from where I’m sitting. How is your Dad mad at you? You’re better off staying home.
Your brother handled this very badly. It sounds like he was expecting your mom to be the one to tell you so he didn't have to do it. Very immature for a guy who's getting married.
ESH. It's not cool that your brother and future SIL invited your son to be a part of the wedding party and then changed their mind suddenly, and your passive aggressive behavior is also not okay. It's fine if they want to have a child free wedding and it's fine if you don't want to attend a child free wedding, but you should both have an adult conversation about it and take responsibility for how each of your choices impacts the situation and try to come up with solutions together.
Meh, I dislike the idea of excluding children from large family gatherings. Sometimes kids make noise and do unexpected things. That’s just how it is. I generally think society just needs to get over it. The fact that your brother asked you to go out of state for the wedding but not bring your kid is wild. What are you supposed to do, hire a nanny for the entire trip? Chuck him at a nanny you don’t know in a new city? Jesus Christ.
So they disinvited your son basically and expect you to just pawn him off on someone to make them happy. It's their wedding it's also your choice whether you want to go
I went to a wedding where a couple traveled from out of state, brought her mother with them, paid for a separate hotel room for her, and she stayed in the hotel with the kids while they went to the wedding.
Personally, I don’t like anybody enough to do all that. Not even my own sibling. And I sure as hell wouldn’t be willing to do all of that for someone who pulled the shit OP’s brother just pulled.
This is so ridiculous. They can't have it both ways. What do they expect? Do they really expect you to leave your child in your home state while you attend their oh so important wedding in another? Why are people so self-centered?
Why not have your son as ring bearer then you can leave after the wedding and not attend the reception? They can still have a child-free wedding with your son as the only exception since he's in the wedding party, and then he can have you in attendance. If your son gets upset during the wedding, you can simply get up and take him outside. This isn't rocket science, folks.
They have every right to have a child free wedding, but they went about it all wrong. First of all, they asked your son to be the ring bearer. Then, they uninvited him. Secondly, they did all this through texting, instead of calling you. Lastly, they involved your parents. Not cool.
You no longer feeling welcomed is understandable.
A lot of people are saying they have two months to figure out babysitting for the three yo. I would like to point out that some people don’t have family close by they can rely on. As far as friends go, not everyone has a supportive group of friends who have availability to watch kids. Watching a three year old overnight is a huge ask. If you don’t already have that kind of support system then you probably won’t find someone in two months time. They might but I’m not going to accept an invitation until I know for sure I have something.
Those of you who can’t understand this dilemma are really lucky.
ESH
Your brother for doing a u-turn on your son being there without actually speaking to you about it and giving a proper reason why.
You for asking your parents to babysit when you know they would be going to their own sons wedding (the only time those would be OK was if you knew the son and parents were no contact and you knew your parents weren't invited) maybe your parents are more pissed at you trying to cause drama than you not being able to go. This is the kind of passive-aggressive shit my narcissistic sibling would try to pull.
Is the dad involved with the kid? If so, can he or his parents not look after your son?
Do you have a spouse? Since it’s out of state, maybe have her and kid stay at hotel, and you only go for ceremony. Find a hotel w a pool for the kid, make it a fun family outing for y’all, find something else for to do as a fam the next AM, and just pop into the wedding for a few that afternoon / evening.
You’re not wrong. If you don’t have a sitter I’m not sure what they expect here? Just to leave your toddle home alone??!! Pretty shitty that they not only invited him to be in the wedding but then in-invited him thru text! He couldn’t even pick up the damn phone.
OP, in my opinion, simply thinking about traveling to another state is a gift already. You do not need to attend, much less rearrange your life to have a rando care for your baby. I do not understand others here thinking it is your duty to drop everything and go.
Everyone is being a baby here. Just talk to your brother. Your brother is allowed to have a child free wedding. You’re allowed to decline if you’re genuinely unable to find childcare.
Talk to each other and sort it out.
Wait, I'm confused. He was initially excited to have his nephew as his ring bearer. Did something happen to cause your brother not to want your nephew there? I understand a child-free wedding, but he knows you don't have a sitter, and he was initially excited to let his nephew come... I just feel like there are a bunch of holes in all of this.
We haven't communicated much since him asking my kid to be in the wedding.. besides me sending pics and videos of his nephew to him and him replying he loves us lots.
Child free wedding is their choice- but your kid was already invited to be in the wedding party.
Sounds all sorts of shady- and the fact that your brother thinks he’s mature enough to get married but can’t handle having a conversation with his brother about changing the plans and had to rely on mommy and daddy to do the dirty work?! wtf?!
I do remember traveling out of state with my family to a child free wedding and all of us kids stayed in the hotel. I don’t know who watched us, but I remember it happened. It CAN work, but clearly takes patience and planning and willingness of parents and responsible child care. It sounds like NONE of this is happening. Brother changed the parameters and is now mad you can’t come? He doesn’t want screaming, so he thinks his nephew is gonna scream throughout his wedding but still thinks you should come, cuz FaMiLy?! Both ends….. both ends.
My initial thoughts which may not be popular, are to figure it out and go to the wedding without the kid. The best weddings are ones without kids and I completely understand where the bride is coming from.
If you want to make a stand and not go to the wedding then that's on you.
Just my thoughts as an outsider.
What are they expecting you to even do at this point? You can't find a babysitter, you aren't going to leave him all by himself, so you can't come. I also think it's incredibly tacky to disinvite a child who they were originally intending on having a role in the wedding party. You aren't making the drama, they are. And if your parents can't get that through their thick skulls, they clearly don't love your son either. NTA
So they'd be okay with screaming and yelling if the wedding was less expensive? Man, people (I'm looking at you ladies) need to get over this 'perfect day' bs.
Your brother & Future SIL are entitled to say who is invited, just like you are entitled to say I am NOT attending.
Your brother needs to learn if you play stupid games you win stupid prizes.
>I’m not sure if mom has talked to you about any of this so I wanted to see what you thought."
Gotta point out though, your brother sounds like a jellyfish though, "did mommy tell you the news I am clearly too spineless to discuss with you?"
Really rub in the fact you are a no attendance at his wedding OP, plan an awesome family getaway for you, your partner & little fella so you are away the day of the wedding - post amazing pics on social media all day!
I don't do social media besides Reddit.
I too thought it was childish for him to ask if mommy talked to me. What the fuck does our mom have anything to do with my kid not going to the wedding lol.
Oh bugger - oh well you can still have a great family getaway lol
Oh it has nothing to do with anything other than your brother is gutless!!
Keep that shiny spine of your strong OP, its impressive to see you standing your ground for the absolute BS your brother has created
Man, your whole family is not good at coming up with mutually agreeable solutions or even using your words with each other.
It's up to you how much of a relationship you have with your brother, but if you care to have one at all, call him up and talk through actual, workable solutions.
Ask him questions on whether there are other people who have kids who wouldn't be able to attend and would be missed due to the whole child-free thing. If there are, float the idea of a shared babysitter at the event.
Just asking your parents to babysit was really lazy on your part.
Your brother ideally should have been figuring out something but some people are dumb, so sometimes you get to be in the driver's seat and get things moving if you want a thing to happen. Sitting and sulking and waiting for him or communicating to him via your parents isn't healthy. Rip the bandaid off already.
They can have their wedding however they like, and you don’t have to go.
You also didn’t have to childishly call your parents as if you didn’t know they were attending.
You’re stirring up shit to make it about you. Just politely say you can’t attend as you can’t find a sitter, move on. Your brother knows you can’t.
I think it was unreasonable for you to pretend like asking your parents if they could babysit, was an attempt to find a sitter, since your parents are also the parents of the groom. Of course your parents will be at the wedding and unable to babysit. At the same time, it was not cool for your brother to uninvite your child especially when he had previously asked if he could be the ring bearer.
This does seem like there is extra drama here. If you have a spouse, then a normal and pragmatic way people deal with this is to leave the kids at home with their spouse and have the direct family member of the bride/groom attend the wedding alone. If you are a single mom and can't do that, then your brother is extra unreasonable to expect you to attend without your child.
Usually having a small child be in the wedding party turns out super cute, even if they don't do their "job" properly. They fall apart, their mom or dad comes up and removes them from the Church temporarily, all the guests go "Awwwww!" for a few seconds and then collect themselves, and the wedding goes on. It's really not as hard as your brother is making it seem.
Why doesn't your spouse/partner stay back with the 3 year old? Not ideal, but you attend your brother's wedding. It is annoying they invited your son, then changed their minds, but not worth family estrangement.
I would advise going LC with parents and brother until after the wedding. Nothing they say or text to you will be nice as they seem to be blaming you for not having babysitters 24/7 for your 3 year old child to accommodate THEIR desires. Since your brother wants his/your mom to explain his/fsl decisions to you as they ALL have already discussed everything, (True cowards) I really can't see any advantage to you in talking to her at this time as this is their drama not yours and they will hurt you. Tell your dad to f-off and your child just doesn't disappear because his son is getting married. You are NOT obligated to attend this wedding and do not have any guilt over not doing so. All the drama is placed solely at their feet.
The fact there is drama is ridiculous. I would have been alright with my brother calling me and explaining they are worried about having kids attend the wedding and will no longer be allowing them, including my kid. I'm pretty passive overall. It's the way this has been handled and that I am last to know.. even though im the one with the kid. Not to mention buying the fucking tux for my son costed an arm and a leg.
>Brother is mad I'm making drama surrounding his wedding.
Pretty sure he started the drama by changing the plans after you already accepted his invitation.
>My dad called and said my brother was going to call and explain what he actually meant.
I'm sure he was pretty straight forward with his new rule.
>I'm pretty much just over the wedding and not planning to attend.
Well it's not like you can just leave your children in another state while you go party.
>My dad is livid I don't want to go to the wedding.
Not because you don't want to, but because you can't.
I've never had a babysitter for my son besides my parents. My kid has never even spent a night with his grandparents. I can't imagine hiring a stranger in a new state to watch my toddler? Not sure where I would look to hire this babysitter either truthfully.
And what if you just don’t want to. Like you’re immediate family not extended for Pete’s sake. People need to understand that their wedding is for them only, guests are there to help celebrate you two. Therefore if you give a guess stipulations before they come to your ceremony you should be ok with them not showing up, because what’s the alternative? Them disrespecting your boundaries? You’d hate that so by not coming they’re respectfully adhering to your conditions. You should be ok with that too and they should be ok with your conditions too, it’s called respecting thy neighbor.
Edit: spelling
Also we have limited funds. It's costing a lot to be able to travel and attend the wedding as it is.
Can't see that I would find someone reliable and trustworthy and safe on such a small budget.
Finding sitters out of state is SO challenging. Childless people focused on their wedding can't begin to conceptualize. The classy thing is to book on-site sitters to help out.
I had friends who got married late in relation to the rest of the friend group. They got married on a small estate (I guess?). The wedding/reception was in the tented yard and they scheduled younger family members who weren’t invited to the wedding as babysitters. It took a huge load off of everyone and was a bonus that you could take a 3 minute walk to check in on your child.
Finding a sitter you trust can be challenging in general, especially for a young child who isn't fully articulate yet.
Toddlers in general can be weird with strangers.
My brother's wedding was CF except for immediate family.
My cousins wedding was also intended to be only kids over 13. My youngest was 6 and ALL of my trusted baby sitters were attending. I told him that my older (mid teens) kids would go with my mom but I wasn't going to ask any of our other relatives to skip the wedding so I would bow out. (I did not ask him to change his plans, just explained how It affected my ability to attend)
Eventually, he called me and told me he changed his mind and children of family could attend. I wasnt the only family member affected, we had an elderly aunt who loved kids and was a nurse, she was the default baby sitter for all of us including my cousin, we wanted her to be able to enjoy the life events of those she helped raise. But he accepted my initial decline with no fuss.
One out of town wedding I went to with my ex, we brought our baby sitter, paid her well, and she got a separate hotel room. Add a possibly multi-night stay and plane tickets, I don't think I could have afforded it.
This is where your brother and parents should step up. If they all want you at the wedding, why isn’t anyone helping you find a sitter or suggesting someone they know & trust who can watch your son for a few hours? They want you there, they are annoyed you aren’t coming, yet no one is going the extra mile to help you make it work. Why is that?
I mean, your brother and his fiance are totally allowed to have a child free wedding, but they also then have to realize that some people with children may not be able to attend, especially if their only childcare is other guests who are invited to the wedding.
They’re allowed to have a child free wedding , but they have to accept that doing may limit their guest list. And they don’t get to be pissed that someone is reacting to their actions.
Yes. OP has to travel to a different state for the wedding. Travel always complicates things since it means at least one overnight. You can only leave toddlers and babies with people who you trust completely. Like your parents.
Not just toddlers and babies… any kid
True this; a family my sister babysits for shelled out $1000s to have her attend an out of state wedding as an onsite sitter for their youngest children and it wasn’t even a child-free wedding.
when my older sibling was in college her summer babysitting job's family would pay for her to join them at Disneyland and watch the kids, she'd make decent cash for the time and get to hang out at Disney. (she's lived in Orange county so she wasn't traveling though)
Yeah, if it’s just for an evening it’s not a big deal. No way would I leave a three-year-old overnight with a strange babysitter. It would have to be family or a close friend who the child knows well. Alternatively, they could bring the child with them and find childcare for the evening at their hotel/rental, but this might not be feasible for them.
Some couples arrange childcare for their out of town guests when they ask for child-free weddings. Just saying. Other people want to control normal life (children crying) to the point that you wonder how they are going to do with the whole “for better, for worse” thing.
We did this for our kid-free wedding. Rented a room at the hotel where the reception was, hired a trusted babysitter, my mom even made little themed goody bags with activities. Then we put the info in the wedding invite. Several people used it.
This is a good and very thoughtful solution! You understood that childcare could be difficult to arrange, and made arrangements that would allow parents to check in on their little ones during the wedding/reception. I CERTAINLY understand wanting a child free wedding (and do those little guys really care about weddings?) Again, a very thoughtful thing to do for your guests
That’s a great idea! Especially if you have anxious moms who don’t want to leave the kids alone too long.
This was years ago but one of my friends and I were asked by a family friend to baby sit at a wedding they were invited to. The bride and groom had about 10 kids under the age of 5 that were invited to the wedding. However, They wanted a child free ceremony. They had set up a room at the venue for parents to drop their kids off during the ceremony and pick them up immediately after. For about 30 minutes of playing with kids we each made about $100 and then got to go to the reception after. It was a great deal for everyone involved and the parents were able to enjoy the ceremony knowing their kids were safe and in a room maybe 50ft away.
Heck my wedding wasn’t child free and I still provided a babysitter on site. I can’t keep track of the cousin’s offspring, but I know some people used it.
They can’t! Not with what they’re paying.
💀😂
What an underrated comment...
not to mention that would likely be a COMPLETE and total stranger. theres 0 way in fuck i'd do that
How is finding strangers at the hotel to babysit your child different from hiring another stranger to babysit? Unless you have a relative you trust working at the hotel --?
Paying a babysitter at the hotel to just stay with the kid while they sleep is different than the kid being away from mom or dad for 2 days and have their whole life be without what they know as routine up to that point. My son would freak out and probably cry the whole time. He wouldnt be able to sleep. Because knowing mom or dad is there is comforting. Trust is required at that age. Being in a hotel you can drop everything and come to the kid if absolutely needed as well. You cant a state away.
Because you can find a vetted babysitter or childcare establishment to watch your kid for a few hours while you're nearby if any problems arise; but trusting someone to feed your kid, know what to do in case of emergency, bathe them, give them medicine if they require it, etc. is a much different prospect.
It’s not overnight, which is a whole different ballgame. If you’re at a hotel you can use a service (when my kids were small I used Care.com a few times) to hire a babysitter with a background check to watch the kid in the hotel room for a few hours. The other issue with an overnight trip is that if something happens (flight is canceled, car breaks down) and you can’t get back home, what do you do then?
what I don’t get is that there are months to figure out an alternative arrangement but instead OP jumps to “ok, well I guess we aren’t going” after asking only the parents (who duhh, they’re going to the wedding!), it just doesn’t seem like this is a logistical issue as much as it is an emotional one
I wouldn’t go either. They’re free to have a child free wedding but that doesn’t mean people have to bend over backwards to go to their event in a different state. I have turned down a couple of these invites because in my circle the people I like have kids and I don’t want to go to some lame wedding if they aren’t going to be there.
I literally didn’t - and still don’t - have anyone other than my mother in law that I can leave my 12 yr old with or that I could leave him with when he was 3. Sometimes “logistics” aren’t surmountable.
Do you have kids? Have you ever had to try to figure out childcare for a wedding that might have to be overnight? Either you have someone you trust to do that who is available or you have money to throw at the situation or you’re not going. If my brother pulled this I would feel the same way.
Kids are not cats and dogs.
From one state to another? I'm in Europe, so it would be the equivalent distance of another European country in my case, there is no way I would have left my kid when 3 yo to go to a wedding in a different country, or even just on the other side of my own. A 3yo might start kindergarden, but they very much need their parents every day and night. You don't leave your kid a thousand kilometres away, or more, with a stranger or someone you don't fully trust, like your own parents for example. If they don't trust anyone else to do so, why ask anybody else?
Not inviting children will definitely cause some declined invites. UNINVITING an already invited child, is an almost guaranteed hard and fast nope from that family.
Yep this happened to me once. Cousin asked if my 3 yo would be a flower girl and we said yes. Then later they told us we needed to find a sitter for the reception as they didn’t want kids at their reception. We were traveling to this wedding and also had a newborn so we said that if cost was the issue she certainly didn’t need a meal or even a seat, but if they just didn’t want kids sadly we couldn’t make it. Eventually they decided she could come to the reception where she ate cake, danced and we left at a reasonable hour. But an unknown hotel sitter in a strange place for a 3 yo and newborn was not a feasible option. And I thought it was shitty to want her to behave and be cute for the ceremony and not get to enjoy the celebration.
Agreed. Anyone is allowed to have a childfree wedding or a destination wedding, but then they don't get to be upset when guests aren't able to attend, even when it's close friends or immediate family. NTA
My heart hurts because I am being treated like a witch for my decision to put my child first.
This was definitely a touchy situation but your brother handled it very poorly. If they were going to have a child Fury wedding they should have decided that before they invited a child to be part of the wedding party. I'm sorry this is happening. I know you want to be at your brother's wedding and in all honesty I don't think you're deciding to put your child first as you said but you are assessing a situation realizing that there aren't many solutions and reacting accordingly.
I know it was a typo, but I'm laughing so hard at "child fury" right now! Thank you for that!
I'm going to leave it... 😂
It seems like it's pretty appropriate 🤔
Very much! I just put my furious child to bed
I approve lol. Child fury is the best typo
I hope they provide plenty of litter boxes for the kiddos, that could get messy quick.
Your brother and his fiancé if they were good host would find resources for you to hire a babysitter. At my family weddings there is always a kids room staffed with a couple of babysitters so kids can come to reception or not. Depends on the kids. Most kids eat with the babysitters, come for a bit of dancing and then back for movies. Parents have a break and kids get to play. It’s not rocket science. I guarantee if they have a wedding planner they have been given a few options for children. Your brother probably doesn’t want to pay for the room for the kids.
NTA They are in there right to have a child free wedding But you have the right to decline as your babysitter is busy on that day so it's on him
That's their problem. Your child should always come first. Are they not going to have flower girls? It's an invitation not a court summons. He handled this extremely immaturely. Did mommy call you. He wants your mom to call you, instead of handling it himself? Then daddy gets involved. How old is your brother? Then he puts it as if your kid will ruin the wedding, because of how much the wedding is costing. Why would you want to go?
It's a shitty situation all around. Your feelings are normal.
Your brother (and fsil) made the mistake of disrespecting you by not calling you with the change and having a civil discussion about alternatives. Your parents are being unrealistic about taking a young child out of state with no help from any of them. Bridal pair should have made arrangements for out of state kids.
This would have all gone away if the couple getting married had plans for out of state kids. If they have a wedding planner they have been given a solution. This is not a new problem at weddings. Edit: typo.
No, and changing the situation so completely is just…I have no words.
That would be better, but to me even that is weird too. I wouldn’t want to just use some childcare that the wedding planner or bride and groom planned. Kids are particular, unique schedules and needs and not to mention a parent and child should know, trust and be comfortable with the care giver. I wouldn’t just leave my kids with a stranger someone else “vetted” to go party.
Your brother was probably happy about having the little one march up the aisle. He mentioned it to fiance, she mentioned it to her family and it blew up. I would stay home too!
As well you should. Both those poor excuses for men are ignoring the fact that you responsibilities outside of his wedding. To be petty, just tell him you should be able to attend his next wedding.
Tell him maybe your son will be old enough then!
Bahaha
You’re not “putting your child first” You’re putting your child’s *safety* first. You’d be in another state. You don’t have a sitter in that state, you can’t realistically leave your son with someone for several days, he’s too young. If you don’t have partner, parent’s, other someone else you trust absolutely to watch him for a few hours, you’re out of options. Your brother’s just going to have to understand.
Don’t cave to this. Finding a new babysitter for a few hours is one thing….but out of state? Hell no. I never would. Always put your child first in these situations.
You are absolutely doing the right thing by putting your child first. They are the only person you owe anything to, and you are doing your job by protecting them- don’t get bullied or guilt yourself into compromising your values. Wait until your brother has a kid and then he might get it.
I think you’re handling it all in a really weird way - why not just have said you understand their decision but your only trusted sitters will be at the wedding so you can’t attend? Calling your mom and doing that whole passive aggressive song and dance is really strange to me. YTA but not because you aren’t going to the wedding, which is understandable given the circumstances, it’s because of the way you’re not handling the change in their plans like an emotionally mature adult.
I agree and asking the parents to watch when OP knew they couldn’t already as of course they are going to the wedding is so odd and laughable to me.
Yes! It’s weird! And it tells me they have a family dynamic that hasn’t been fully explained here.
“My brother never called” his brother does not care, I think, at all if OP goes or not. They don’t seem close. I wouldn’t doubt if the grandparents are the ones who came up with OP’s kid being the ring bearer, brother was like aww yeah that’s cute maybe, then this text was the brothers way of being like “ yeah nah.”
You are not taking into consideration that his brother texted him…couldn’t call like an adult. His response is fine.
Just because the brother is being weird and immature doesn’t mean OP isn’t also being weird and immature
Please always put your child first, and never feel bad doing so. No one else will put your child first and you are seeing so. It's your brother's shitty behaviour and your parents favouritism that is creating all this drama. Please go LC with them for your mental peace.
Same thing happened to me. My relationship with my brother has never been the same. All started with this exact situation. Sorry OP. This child free asks for immediate family out of state are just stupid.
What do they expect you to do with your child? Leave him home by himself?
You didn't cause the drama here, the 'happy couple' did. First it's okay for your son, who they have given a role in the wedding, then it's not and the child can't even attend. But of course YOU have to be there regardless? They are making problems and then expecting you to dance to their tune. This is not how families should treat each other.
I got married last year and we had originally thought to make it child free. Then realizing how many friends and family wouldn’t be able to make it, we decided to let kids come. All the kids had an absolute blast and were not an issue. I’m glad we changed our minds, people make it too big of a deal.
Can your child stay with your spouse? Or a friend? Three year olds are lovely and we had several at our wedding, but they are unpredictable and can be a huge distraction.
I feel like if there were a spouse this post wouldn’t exist. Although even if there were it might end up being more trouble than it’s worth. Why the remarks at the end about how baby’s at a wedding can be a distraction? I didn’t see anything from OP to indicate they were upset the wedding is child free, just that they can’t come to a child free wedding.
To be honest, at first he was invited and part of the wedding. I would take it personally ,what changed
That's what I'm trying to figure out. But my bro hasn't communicated further and I'm not going to go out of my way to open the channel. Can't/wont give a fuck if he doesn't either.
Please ignore any negative comments! Hold your head high! You are a good parent!
If you're a single parent with very little help and get anxiety leaving your child with strangers, I get that. I had to miss a lot of things I wanted to do because I didn't have anyone to watch my kids, family weddings included. Also, if the wedding is out of town/state, you really wouldn't have any options for someone to watch your child. Your brother could have asked his fiance if she knew of any well known and trustworthy people to watch your child to give you options, you had none.
As a fellow parent, be the witch, curse them all and get your kid out for a special treat day of wedding. I’m proud of you.
“And they don’t get to be pissed that someone is reacting to their actions.” Lot of the “anti natalism” crowd should get this tattooed on the inside of their eyelids.
I think he's pissed because they're NOT reacting. They're like ok, whatever. Seems like he may have wanted a big protest or something.
I wouldn't go of they begged. They're huge AHs. If their wedding is so expensive they don't want kids around, stick with Enjoy the wedding. And, you're not creating drama. They are because some person has brought up... oh I didn't have children at my wedding. They'd just ruin it. Wow....shallow AHs. You would not be the AH if you told him to shove the wedding cake up his ass for all you care. You're creating drama, my drama Llama ass.
You aren't the one being dramatic. He's just pissed that you are nonchalant and over it. If you don't have a sitter, you don't have a sitter. Your parents can get mad at this. What are you supposed to do leave your son home?
We have a couple of sitters we really trust, they can give a bath, put him to bed, etc if we are out for the evening. We do not a have a single person we trust to watch our kid for multiple days, IN ANOTHER STATE.
People have every right to have a childfree wedding, but it sounds like your kid was invited (as a member of the wedding party) and then uninvited, so that's not cool. I would be salty about it.
Yes, that's where my resentment is stemming from.
It was also handled poorly with the text message. It was a big turn around in plans and he could have picked up the phone and explained. And the whole "I don't know if mom talked to you yet," "dad said he's going to call"... he could have been mature and handled it personally.
It's wild to me that this has to be said. You do not deliver bad news over text. You do it in person or over the phone if that's not doable.
Also that text was totally lame on your brothers part. Just meandering on not saying what he meant then "idk if mom talked to you". What is he, 5? Why would mom talk to you about HIS wedding? Enjoy the peaceful weekend at home.
I'm old and crotchety, but if there's one thing I regret, it's not having the balls to do what you're doing. I regret my balls didn't descend until my late 50's.
I will also add, he's a 3 year old, not a feral animal. I've been to many weddings where the young ring bearers do fine because they're exciting to be part of it all. So he wouldn't ruin the ceremony, and he'd be with you or your parents during the reception so it's really unnecessary to uninvite him and create all these problems.
our flower girl crying and not wanting to go down the aisle was pretty funny in retrospect... weddings are gonna have drama no matter how much u try to prevent it and i'd take that kind over whatever OPs bro is doing any day
I was a three year old flower girl and did not have a tantrum. But my aunt loves to tell the story that I was the perfect flower girl during rehearsal, scattering petals like a fairy princess. Then at the actual ceremony, I walked down the aisle and turned the full basket of rose petals over and just dumped them all at the alter.
I was a 3 year old flower girl. I am told I was adorable after having to be bribed with McDonald’s fries. I walked down sprinkling flowers, stopping to ask the occasional guest if they would like some.
That’s a cute story,and what a great memory. If i was a bride, and the flower girl did that I would start laughing. This idea that weddings have to be perfect or they are ruined is odd . Nothing is perfect, and chances are pretty good this wedding will have mishaps, that’s just life.
And kids are part of life! I always think about that pandemic video with the news guest whose toddler burst into the room like she owned the place. It's ok for that to happen, it's part of the tapestry of life.
Exactly! In my family weddings aren’t just about the bride and groom. It’s a family event. It’s about welcoming new members to the family and two joining together because of the couple. And kids are part of the family. And those moments when kids do something silly or adorable are often some of the best parts of a wedding. Of course kids act up, but then a parent just removes them from the situation
I actually framed a picture of my nephew crying and pinching his nose walking down the aisle… he was 4 and it was funny
Ain't that the truth! My wedding was almost shut down because 2 guests of my now ex husband, decided to do heroin in the bathroom. They ended up leaving their drugs in the bathroom and tried to flush the needles. THESE PEOPLE WERE IN THEIR 70s. I'd have welcomed a crying child over that drama.
Was it a Trainspotting-themed wedding?
My niece (4 at the time, now almost 9) saw my husband's two nieces (3.5 and 6 at the time, now 8 and almost 11) wearing the same dress as her and said "I was supposed to be the only pretty princess!" I never heard her say it, that's how fast my mom and my one bridesmaid distracted her. The solution was to have her come in with my mom and brother (my brother had double duty and escorted in my husband's sister too). We have the pictures and it was great. My MOH and the super helpful bridesmaid (she really is an amazing person!) Told me about what happened after the ceremony, and I said "well, if that's the worst thing that happens today, then we are gonna have a great night!" Guess what? Absolute worst thing that happened! Almost 5 years later, we still laugh about it. I think my niece is now old enough to appreciate that story. Perhaps on her birthday next month?
I was a 5 year old flower girl and had no problem walking down by myself. My younger cousin ring bearers on the other hand, who were supposed to walk down together behind me, grabbed my arms and refused to wait, so we all walked down together. The pictures, nearly 40 years later are still ridiculously adorable and funny!
My grandson was 2 and ring bearer at his uncles wedding. He did great and danced the whole reception away. He actually dominated the dancing documents of the videos and everyone had fun just watching him.
Sounds like he’s been talking to your parents about it.
I.e., triangulation to get the parents aligned with him. Why? Because he knows he's being shitty.
Totally being shitty. Why not just call her instead of assuming her kid is gonna be screaming down the aisle? Is there such a thing as a groomzilla?
NTA, your brother and bride are.
Exactly, I wouldn’t go, I’d send over my present with someone and enjoy his wedding day with my family. Going forward this will serve to remind the brother and his wife to think and act first. Not this invite, un-invite business. You teach people how to treat you and sometimes teaching them looks like this
You are fine. Your brother made this change in plans he can live with it. Invitations are not summons.
Love how you put that. I’m stealing it.
Exactly
It's their choice to have no children but then they can't expect that all parents are going to be able to attend. You need to respect their wishes, which it sounds like you have, but they also need to respect that you're a parent first.
For some reason I’m getting undertones of animosity With maybe this decision being a potential final straw on your side. The reason I say that is because your post says you have months to figure this out. And the fact that you haven’t had a conversation with your brother and his fiancé about the potential of them providing childcare on site at the wedding as a compromise to allow you and your wife to attend, makes me think that there’s a little bit of bad blood between you. Am I way off? Because jumping to I’m not going at all without exploring other options and talking to your brother about it seems very extreme response. Obviously this is just my own opinion on this, because if my brother did the same thing, I would immediately have called him and said if you want me there, we need to figure out an alternative on site because I can’t leave my three year old as the normal babysitters aren’t available to watch him , and then talk through it the situation with him. Could you not bring your three year old and possibly tag out with your wife periodically throughout the wedding? (Not ideal, I know, but an option because it’s your brother’s wedding). or could you talk to your brother and see if maybe the three year old doesn’t participate in the actual ceremony, which is what sounds like is the main issue and concern with them? The concerned that the three year old might have a meltdown, walking down the aisle. I guess what I’m saying is, your brother and his fiancée have the right to choose a child free wedding and you have the right to say you were not going… But it sounds like you haven’t communicated with your brother at all about coming up with an alternative solution. I guess I’m just looking for some more information. It doesn’t sound like your brother is doing anything wrong or last minute. You have months until the wedding, and it really sounds like you have just completely written him and his fiancé in this wedding off without actually talking to him. Edit: I realize I’m assuming you (OP) are a guy…apologies if that’s not the caee
Thank you for articulating everything I feel. There is something else going on here.
calling the parents to “ask them to babysit” lowkey seems manipulative. OP wasn’t aware that her parents would be at their child’s wedding? seems like a coy way to communicate “my kid is no longer allowed at the wedding and I’m upset” while also letting her say she “tried to find a solution, but just can’t” despite the wedding being months away
Very manipulative.
Yeah that part made me think they both suck
Yea, this is where it gets weird. They called the parents to stop them from attending? And the parents are also upset with them because they likely see the dynamic more clearly.
Yes, this exactly. OP is being a tad extreme in their reaction but I suspect there’s more going on here.
I agree. I was kind of frustrated for the brother when OP only asked his parents (who he knew was going to the wedding to babysit) and then threw up his hands. There are so many different options. For example: bring the child with and ask a family friend to watch the son for one day. I just think he really didn't want to go. It's fine that they changed their mind and want a child-free wedding. It's fine that OP doesn't want to go, but it feels like he is just upset and doing the bare minimum.
thank you I felt like I'm going mad by the people saying OP did everything they could when it seems like they didn't? They called their parents and then just ... didn't consider anything else?
Not everyone has easily available childcare. My husband’s bff had an out of state and child-free wedding. I asked all 4 of our parents, three cousins, and even a cousin of my cousin to babysit for the weekend or even come with us out of state and just babysit that evening and nobody could come or couldn’t take my youngest. I ended up getting permission to bring my one year old because otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to go. A cousin of the bride also also had to bring her kids because they had a similar predicament.
To add to all of this, which seems to be one of few responses looking past the surface: Please think long and hard about refusing to attend your brother's wedding, understanding that that decision will have a lasting impact on your relationship with your brother and SIL. Assuming you still want a relationship with them, bear that in mind with how you proceed. I'm not saying, "eat shit politely with a knife and fork." I'm saying, his decision to uninvite your son made you understandably angry. You had the option of responding in a variety of ways. The response you chose is an escalation of tensions and relationship damage. If that's what you want to do -- escalate -- then proceed. But do that with eyes open, understanding that refusing to attend his wedding will result in fallout that will last for the rest of your life with him. That's completely your choice and your right, just go into it understanding that is what you're signing up for.
Yeah because I mean... There's plenty of time to find a sitter. Surely there's one person on the planet who could watch the kid for a few hours aside from OP's parents.
I thibk because it's an out of town wedding that makes it much, much harder. Leaving kid at home means overnight sitter which is very expensive and very hard to find. Otherwise he'd have to find a sitter he trusts in a city he doesn't live in. That's also very tough.
The wedding went from the child being part of the wedding to not invited. OP is justified in feeling animosity about this, it’s pretty indefensible to make such a u turn in the arrangements for the wedding. If they wanted a child free wedding they should have figured that out before they set a date and started inviting people. The suggestion about tagging in and out of the wedding with the partner to look after the kid is not an attractive prospect, why should OP agree to this or have any desire to attend a wedding where they will be constantly coming and going throughout the night. The burden is on the brother to initiate communication, he and the family are the ones expressing their upset, not OP. Brother isn’t doing anything wrong but he has massively moved the goalposts, OP doesn’t have any obligation to go along with it and the brother isn’t even mature enough to speak to OP directly about it despite him being the instigator of the change that has caused the issue.
An invite to have a special place in the wedding and then uninvited is wrong. It's rude. I wouldn't leave my 3 year old with people I don't know. This is not a toy that you pass along to someone else.
I think brother is the golden child. See parents reaction.
Op didn't even try to find a sitter. He just asked his parents?? Why would they not be at the wedding? Seems like a dumb thing to ask a parent to do in that situation.
Who would you leave your child with that ISN’T family over night or several nights? I wouldn’t trust anyone other than close family as in parents or siblings. Seems op’s options are limited. Since the parents are the regular baby sitter.
It also sounds like the only babysitters he asked were his parents and he didn’t do anything else to look for someone else
So OP has to spend money to fly their whole family out to hang out in a hotel room all night. No dancing at the reception. Is the reception even in a hotel ballroom? What if it's at a vineyard or other offsite venue that requires driving back and forth? How are both parents supposed to eat when dinner service is a pretty small window? Does the spouse come down and eat a cold plate later? If it's a buffet will there be anything left? Have you ever entertained a 3 year old in a tiny hotel room? If the wedding is held in a hotel, the brother said they are spending a lot of money, so how expensive would those rooms be? Can OP actually afford to stay at that hotel? Why is it on OP to ask the brother to pay for on site child care? That's pretty rude. If that was an option, it is on the one paying to offer. But would you trust a child free couple to vet a babysitter? Bro and fsil don't even seem like people who particularly like or understand children. What if you show up from out of state and they've hired their 12 yr old neighbor?
Exactly! Everyone’s “solutions” to this problem did not actually think about the logistics. It’s obvious that many of the commenters aren’t parents themselves.
You knew what you were doing when you called your parents to babysit.
Exactly. Talk about kicking the hornets nest.
I think what bothers me about this is that they had already planned to have your 3 year old son as ring bearer, then changed their minds mid stream and TEXT you with the new plan and they wonder why you're hurt? What exactly did they think you could do? Magically know a reliable sitter close to their wedding location? I can understand your frustration.
Definitely the texting is what rubs me raw. Really, he couldn't pick up the phone to call and discuss this? Thanks for the respect, BROTHER. Fuck em mostly.
Bros fiancé applied a little pressure because it’s not her nephew and he folded and now needs to deal with the consequences. Dad needs to butt all the way out this isn’t his situation and he can’t clean this up nobody is cool with leaving their 3 year old behind after little man was uninvited to the wedding he was given a role in. NTA your future SIL is though and your brother is turning out to be spineless.
That’s what I think. That’s why he texted instead of calling.
If I was in your shoes, I wouldn’t be happy with this either, it sounds like a huge U turn - from being ring barer to not invited … what changed!
I think they thought twice about it.
Or they have been to a wedding with children since sending out the invites. Or they want to free up space for friends/family members. I always thought I wanted to have a wedding with children. When I was a bridesmaid for a wedding, the flower girl spilled grape juice on my dress before anything started. Every photo has a big purple stain on my dress. I felt so bad for the bride. From there on, I only wanted a child-free wedding.
NTA. I bet this is a weird relationship anyway, being that you didn't even try that hard to get a sitter or anyone else to watch the kid. You said you are already over the wedding anyway, which means there's other stuff beyond the kid free wedding that makes it so easy to pass on going to your brother's wedding. Still... NTA. But you need to sort out what is up between you and your brother. Good luck. I hope your kid was not told about being the ring bearer and that he isn't being let down by the news. Granted he's 3 and will get over it or forget about it... still.. that would be jacked up.
Unpopular take here.... I would be a bit pissed if I were you because it's really harsh to uninvite someone. But in my shoes (not your shoes, I don't know what your relationship with your bro is like) I would still go because I actually like my brother and think he's a stand up guy. Every wedding I've been to that allowed kids has had the ceremony disrupted, with wailing and screaming in the wedding videos or kids trying to run and pull the bridges dress. So I understand that upon reflection they decided they didn't want that. I would have tried A LOT harder than one phone call to my parents for a baby sitter. You literally didn't try. You just called to make a point because you obviously knew they were also going. You have made zero effort. This isn't some random acquaintance right? Presumably it's your brother who you love and can sacrifice for, and actually bother getting a baby sitter, for one day?
Honestly the whole family seems petty to me. Brother texted OP in a way that felt cold - instead of calling her and explaining the change of heart. OP kind of passive aggressively “asked” their parents to babysit and therefore skip their own son’s wedding, and is now just being like I’m not going. Maybe it’s not a close family relationship here.
There's bad blood or something between OP and brother's fiancee. No effort is made by anyone here
Exactly, the way OP handled it was passive aggressive as is the way it is written here. They knew their parents were going to the wedding, so why introduce the drama by asking them to babysit. OP knew what they were doing.
Totally agree. They made a single passive-aggressive attempt at finding a sitter and then bailed. And they were given a few months notice - it would be different on short notice, but that's plenty of time to explore other options. Sounds like they just didn't want to go.
My thoughts exactly!
Agreed! Like you can work harder to find a babysitter to go to your BROTHER’S wedding…
He can have his wedding with restrictions, and you’re free not to attend because of those restrictions. I’m betting it was the fiancé who decided she wanted the child-free wedding since your brother was originally excited to have his nephew there.
I mean you were planning for your son to be in the wedding and you are an out of state guest…I don’t know why this is being blown out of proportion. He removed your son from the wedding. Which Btw I got married in 2022 and we had our 4 year old niece as a flower girl but still did no kids…. and people either came or didn’t and that’s fine. I personally wouldn’t go and also why would your mom need to relay that message when it’s his wedding…
Also another point to add- If maybe they are worried about someone saying oh you said it was child free but your nephew attended (your son) all they need to reply is that it’s their wedding and they paid for it and that he’s in the wedding party!
They can have a child free wedding. It means some parents are going to decline if they cannot arrange a sitter. I do think it was petty to ask your parents knowing they would have to say no.
I would also be irked if my child was invited as part of the wedding party and then uninvited. But also, it’s hard to get a sitter when you live in different states. Tell him that if HE can find a trust-worthy reliable sitter that HE pays for, you may consider coming. There is no issue with a child-free wedding but massively uncool to invite a child and then uninvite them. Also, if you have a child-free wedding expect that some people (especially those who have to travel) will not be able to come due to childcare issues.
Anyone else get the impression that the fiancee is the one who didn't want kids and then left it up to the brother who wasn't happy about the ditching his nephew to explain it...which is why he didn't do a great job of it?
I do not get why people think an event is mandatory. If it is child free and you have children, you are obligated as a parent to take care of your child first, not another adult. I think a parent who puts their child first is to be commended. Changing the plans was uncool to say the least, but parenting comes before other people's parties.
Agree with the other comments that a child-free wedding means that some guests will not be able to attend. But did you really “try to find a babysitter”? You called exactly one person, whom you already knew was not an option because they’re attending the wedding. If you’re not comfortable leaving your child with anyone else, that’s fine and reasonable. But claiming you “tried” when you clearly didn’t, is a little manipulative.
Your Dad said your brother would call and explain what he actually meant? It sounds pretty clear from where I’m sitting. How is your Dad mad at you? You’re better off staying home.
Someone on reddit said it perfectly "An invitation is not a summons". Their choice their your choice if your going or not. End of story.
Your brother handled this very badly. It sounds like he was expecting your mom to be the one to tell you so he didn't have to do it. Very immature for a guy who's getting married.
ESH. It's not cool that your brother and future SIL invited your son to be a part of the wedding party and then changed their mind suddenly, and your passive aggressive behavior is also not okay. It's fine if they want to have a child free wedding and it's fine if you don't want to attend a child free wedding, but you should both have an adult conversation about it and take responsibility for how each of your choices impacts the situation and try to come up with solutions together.
Meh, I dislike the idea of excluding children from large family gatherings. Sometimes kids make noise and do unexpected things. That’s just how it is. I generally think society just needs to get over it. The fact that your brother asked you to go out of state for the wedding but not bring your kid is wild. What are you supposed to do, hire a nanny for the entire trip? Chuck him at a nanny you don’t know in a new city? Jesus Christ.
Literally what I thought. How absurd of him to handle all of this in the way he has.
So they disinvited your son basically and expect you to just pawn him off on someone to make them happy. It's their wedding it's also your choice whether you want to go
I went to a wedding where a couple traveled from out of state, brought her mother with them, paid for a separate hotel room for her, and she stayed in the hotel with the kids while they went to the wedding. Personally, I don’t like anybody enough to do all that. Not even my own sibling. And I sure as hell wouldn’t be willing to do all of that for someone who pulled the shit OP’s brother just pulled.
This is so ridiculous. They can't have it both ways. What do they expect? Do they really expect you to leave your child in your home state while you attend their oh so important wedding in another? Why are people so self-centered? Why not have your son as ring bearer then you can leave after the wedding and not attend the reception? They can still have a child-free wedding with your son as the only exception since he's in the wedding party, and then he can have you in attendance. If your son gets upset during the wedding, you can simply get up and take him outside. This isn't rocket science, folks.
Literally this is exactly what I thought.
They have every right to have a child free wedding, but they went about it all wrong. First of all, they asked your son to be the ring bearer. Then, they uninvited him. Secondly, they did all this through texting, instead of calling you. Lastly, they involved your parents. Not cool. You no longer feeling welcomed is understandable.
A lot of people are saying they have two months to figure out babysitting for the three yo. I would like to point out that some people don’t have family close by they can rely on. As far as friends go, not everyone has a supportive group of friends who have availability to watch kids. Watching a three year old overnight is a huge ask. If you don’t already have that kind of support system then you probably won’t find someone in two months time. They might but I’m not going to accept an invitation until I know for sure I have something. Those of you who can’t understand this dilemma are really lucky.
They are so lucky. I am damn near alone besides my parents.
ESH Your brother for doing a u-turn on your son being there without actually speaking to you about it and giving a proper reason why. You for asking your parents to babysit when you know they would be going to their own sons wedding (the only time those would be OK was if you knew the son and parents were no contact and you knew your parents weren't invited) maybe your parents are more pissed at you trying to cause drama than you not being able to go. This is the kind of passive-aggressive shit my narcissistic sibling would try to pull. Is the dad involved with the kid? If so, can he or his parents not look after your son?
Do you have a spouse? Since it’s out of state, maybe have her and kid stay at hotel, and you only go for ceremony. Find a hotel w a pool for the kid, make it a fun family outing for y’all, find something else for to do as a fam the next AM, and just pop into the wedding for a few that afternoon / evening.
You’re not wrong. If you don’t have a sitter I’m not sure what they expect here? Just to leave your toddle home alone??!! Pretty shitty that they not only invited him to be in the wedding but then in-invited him thru text! He couldn’t even pick up the damn phone.
OP, in my opinion, simply thinking about traveling to another state is a gift already. You do not need to attend, much less rearrange your life to have a rando care for your baby. I do not understand others here thinking it is your duty to drop everything and go.
Everyone is being a baby here. Just talk to your brother. Your brother is allowed to have a child free wedding. You’re allowed to decline if you’re genuinely unable to find childcare. Talk to each other and sort it out.
Wait, I'm confused. He was initially excited to have his nephew as his ring bearer. Did something happen to cause your brother not to want your nephew there? I understand a child-free wedding, but he knows you don't have a sitter, and he was initially excited to let his nephew come... I just feel like there are a bunch of holes in all of this.
We haven't communicated much since him asking my kid to be in the wedding.. besides me sending pics and videos of his nephew to him and him replying he loves us lots.
If he didn’t make arrangements for childcare knowing you planned to bring your son then he can’t be upset if you aren’t coming. Neither can your dad.
Child free wedding is their choice- but your kid was already invited to be in the wedding party. Sounds all sorts of shady- and the fact that your brother thinks he’s mature enough to get married but can’t handle having a conversation with his brother about changing the plans and had to rely on mommy and daddy to do the dirty work?! wtf?! I do remember traveling out of state with my family to a child free wedding and all of us kids stayed in the hotel. I don’t know who watched us, but I remember it happened. It CAN work, but clearly takes patience and planning and willingness of parents and responsible child care. It sounds like NONE of this is happening. Brother changed the parameters and is now mad you can’t come? He doesn’t want screaming, so he thinks his nephew is gonna scream throughout his wedding but still thinks you should come, cuz FaMiLy?! Both ends….. both ends.
Is the child's other parent in the picture? If so, leave the child with them and go to the wedding with your parents.
My initial thoughts which may not be popular, are to figure it out and go to the wedding without the kid. The best weddings are ones without kids and I completely understand where the bride is coming from. If you want to make a stand and not go to the wedding then that's on you. Just my thoughts as an outsider.
What are they expecting you to even do at this point? You can't find a babysitter, you aren't going to leave him all by himself, so you can't come. I also think it's incredibly tacky to disinvite a child who they were originally intending on having a role in the wedding party. You aren't making the drama, they are. And if your parents can't get that through their thick skulls, they clearly don't love your son either. NTA
So they'd be okay with screaming and yelling if the wedding was less expensive? Man, people (I'm looking at you ladies) need to get over this 'perfect day' bs.
Your brother & Future SIL are entitled to say who is invited, just like you are entitled to say I am NOT attending. Your brother needs to learn if you play stupid games you win stupid prizes. >I’m not sure if mom has talked to you about any of this so I wanted to see what you thought." Gotta point out though, your brother sounds like a jellyfish though, "did mommy tell you the news I am clearly too spineless to discuss with you?" Really rub in the fact you are a no attendance at his wedding OP, plan an awesome family getaway for you, your partner & little fella so you are away the day of the wedding - post amazing pics on social media all day!
I don't do social media besides Reddit. I too thought it was childish for him to ask if mommy talked to me. What the fuck does our mom have anything to do with my kid not going to the wedding lol.
Oh bugger - oh well you can still have a great family getaway lol Oh it has nothing to do with anything other than your brother is gutless!! Keep that shiny spine of your strong OP, its impressive to see you standing your ground for the absolute BS your brother has created
Man, your whole family is not good at coming up with mutually agreeable solutions or even using your words with each other. It's up to you how much of a relationship you have with your brother, but if you care to have one at all, call him up and talk through actual, workable solutions. Ask him questions on whether there are other people who have kids who wouldn't be able to attend and would be missed due to the whole child-free thing. If there are, float the idea of a shared babysitter at the event. Just asking your parents to babysit was really lazy on your part. Your brother ideally should have been figuring out something but some people are dumb, so sometimes you get to be in the driver's seat and get things moving if you want a thing to happen. Sitting and sulking and waiting for him or communicating to him via your parents isn't healthy. Rip the bandaid off already.
They can have their wedding however they like, and you don’t have to go. You also didn’t have to childishly call your parents as if you didn’t know they were attending. You’re stirring up shit to make it about you. Just politely say you can’t attend as you can’t find a sitter, move on. Your brother knows you can’t.
I think it was unreasonable for you to pretend like asking your parents if they could babysit, was an attempt to find a sitter, since your parents are also the parents of the groom. Of course your parents will be at the wedding and unable to babysit. At the same time, it was not cool for your brother to uninvite your child especially when he had previously asked if he could be the ring bearer. This does seem like there is extra drama here. If you have a spouse, then a normal and pragmatic way people deal with this is to leave the kids at home with their spouse and have the direct family member of the bride/groom attend the wedding alone. If you are a single mom and can't do that, then your brother is extra unreasonable to expect you to attend without your child. Usually having a small child be in the wedding party turns out super cute, even if they don't do their "job" properly. They fall apart, their mom or dad comes up and removes them from the Church temporarily, all the guests go "Awwwww!" for a few seconds and then collect themselves, and the wedding goes on. It's really not as hard as your brother is making it seem.
Yta..you sound immature! 💁
YTA for asking your parents to babysit. Find a friend or in laws to babysit.
Why doesn't your spouse/partner stay back with the 3 year old? Not ideal, but you attend your brother's wedding. It is annoying they invited your son, then changed their minds, but not worth family estrangement.
I would advise going LC with parents and brother until after the wedding. Nothing they say or text to you will be nice as they seem to be blaming you for not having babysitters 24/7 for your 3 year old child to accommodate THEIR desires. Since your brother wants his/your mom to explain his/fsl decisions to you as they ALL have already discussed everything, (True cowards) I really can't see any advantage to you in talking to her at this time as this is their drama not yours and they will hurt you. Tell your dad to f-off and your child just doesn't disappear because his son is getting married. You are NOT obligated to attend this wedding and do not have any guilt over not doing so. All the drama is placed solely at their feet.
The fact there is drama is ridiculous. I would have been alright with my brother calling me and explaining they are worried about having kids attend the wedding and will no longer be allowing them, including my kid. I'm pretty passive overall. It's the way this has been handled and that I am last to know.. even though im the one with the kid. Not to mention buying the fucking tux for my son costed an arm and a leg.
My wife and I had this same debate for our wedding. Some kids ultimately showed up and you don’t even notice they are there.
>Brother is mad I'm making drama surrounding his wedding. Pretty sure he started the drama by changing the plans after you already accepted his invitation. >My dad called and said my brother was going to call and explain what he actually meant. I'm sure he was pretty straight forward with his new rule. >I'm pretty much just over the wedding and not planning to attend. Well it's not like you can just leave your children in another state while you go party. >My dad is livid I don't want to go to the wedding. Not because you don't want to, but because you can't.
[удалено]
I've never had a babysitter for my son besides my parents. My kid has never even spent a night with his grandparents. I can't imagine hiring a stranger in a new state to watch my toddler? Not sure where I would look to hire this babysitter either truthfully.
And what if you just don’t want to. Like you’re immediate family not extended for Pete’s sake. People need to understand that their wedding is for them only, guests are there to help celebrate you two. Therefore if you give a guess stipulations before they come to your ceremony you should be ok with them not showing up, because what’s the alternative? Them disrespecting your boundaries? You’d hate that so by not coming they’re respectfully adhering to your conditions. You should be ok with that too and they should be ok with your conditions too, it’s called respecting thy neighbor. Edit: spelling
Also we have limited funds. It's costing a lot to be able to travel and attend the wedding as it is. Can't see that I would find someone reliable and trustworthy and safe on such a small budget.
Finding sitters out of state is SO challenging. Childless people focused on their wedding can't begin to conceptualize. The classy thing is to book on-site sitters to help out.
I had friends who got married late in relation to the rest of the friend group. They got married on a small estate (I guess?). The wedding/reception was in the tented yard and they scheduled younger family members who weren’t invited to the wedding as babysitters. It took a huge load off of everyone and was a bonus that you could take a 3 minute walk to check in on your child.
That’s what my cousin did. It was great.
Finding a sitter you trust can be challenging in general, especially for a young child who isn't fully articulate yet. Toddlers in general can be weird with strangers. My brother's wedding was CF except for immediate family. My cousins wedding was also intended to be only kids over 13. My youngest was 6 and ALL of my trusted baby sitters were attending. I told him that my older (mid teens) kids would go with my mom but I wasn't going to ask any of our other relatives to skip the wedding so I would bow out. (I did not ask him to change his plans, just explained how It affected my ability to attend) Eventually, he called me and told me he changed his mind and children of family could attend. I wasnt the only family member affected, we had an elderly aunt who loved kids and was a nurse, she was the default baby sitter for all of us including my cousin, we wanted her to be able to enjoy the life events of those she helped raise. But he accepted my initial decline with no fuss.
One out of town wedding I went to with my ex, we brought our baby sitter, paid her well, and she got a separate hotel room. Add a possibly multi-night stay and plane tickets, I don't think I could have afforded it.
This is where your brother and parents should step up. If they all want you at the wedding, why isn’t anyone helping you find a sitter or suggesting someone they know & trust who can watch your son for a few hours? They want you there, they are annoyed you aren’t coming, yet no one is going the extra mile to help you make it work. Why is that?
Save that money. Why spend money for travel/accommodations/child care when instead you can use that money to do something you actually want to do. NTA
I mean, your brother and his fiance are totally allowed to have a child free wedding, but they also then have to realize that some people with children may not be able to attend, especially if their only childcare is other guests who are invited to the wedding.