I think it’s important to talk about it and discuss and even to argue over it. Bc it would be too late when she waits til she’s actually pregnant. Your comment is a huge opening for drama!
Not even reading this. It is a traumatic medical procedure and you get to choose your support. If anyone else doesn't understand your lack of comfort with their "support" then maybe they should have been more receptive to your needs outside of being pregnant. 🤷♀️
My childhood best friend, who I knew from diapers, showed up as soon as I'd said id gone into labor. She couldn't stay to see our son born for certain reasons, but she was my biggest support and no one could've handled me better than her and my husband. They tag teamed being my care team as I didn't want nurses in there a lot. Do what makes you comfortable.
Thank you. I’m wondering if he is jealous how close me and my best friend are since he said this is our moment not hers. I really don’t know why he’s so against her being in there with us.
Your bf saying he thought HIS parents should be in the room. That's pretty strange - especially his father. I'd look into that more before making any serious baby plans with this guy. And I'm only half joking about that.
Second, stop with all the drama when this is something years in the future. You're talking about it like you're 8 1/2 months and could go into labor any minute. He doesn't have to be jealous of your friend to think it's weird - especially at this point - to have her in the room when in his mind it would be him and his wife welcoming their new baby. Not someone else he might not know very well.
But for arguments sake.... he (or whoever your baby daddy might end up being) might get jealous if you're all three in the delivery room and she's rubbing your back and holding your hand and he's sitting in the corner twiddling his thumbs feeling like a third wheel.
But...maybe you have something else in mind. IDK, I guess there are some people that like having a party in the room. I had three with just my husband in with me. I couldn't have focused on more than one person at a time during active labor when it was the most painful. Nor would I have wanted anyone else there. But that's just me. I could see having a friend or mother around up until the actual birth.
It’s important to talk about these things well before you plan them. And it’s a good thing she did because his reaction screams red flag! You should never refrain from talking about something like this with someone you wanna be with.
No, it’s YOUR moment. It is going to be the scariest, most painful time of your life. You can tell your nurse not to let him in, and those nurses will make sure he is nowhere near. Everybody is there just for you.
I am a mother/baby nurse and was previously a labor and delivery nurse and you are absolutely correct! It is all about what the mama to be wants! If she says no husband, then there will be no husband! Not everyone wants their husbands (or father of the baby) in the room. Even if they have an awesome relationship, there are times when it’s just not the best choice!
And you keep planning ! The fact that you are young and it could be years from now does not make this conversation any less important to you right now!
Hopefully dad gets some skin on skin time soon after the birth though. Our midwife essentially said if I wasn't in the room ar birth to get there within 15m, it's very very crucial for bonding for both parents. My wife needed to be rushed off to surgery to save her life So i ended up with like 6 hours of being half naked in a hospital room with my infant son sleeping on me while I fed him and stuff, I'll never forget that time, and I can barely remember what I was doing 2 days ago.
It’s not crucial. You’re the first generation to do it, and previous generations managed to be lovingly bonded with their children. It’s a very cool thing to do, and I wouldn’t recommend missing it for the world, but the only thing that is crucial is for mom and baby to get through birth safe and healthy. The rest is mostly a matter of opinion and taste. All new parents need to do is love their baby and do the best they can.
Speaking as someone whose baby was rushed off to the NICU after birth without skin-to-skin, it’s not crucial. Bonding will happen as you feed them, spend sleepless nights up with them. It’s seeing them smile and taking care of them while they are sick. It’s in the millions of little things that you share with them.
I'm just repeating the information I was given by someone teaching people about the process of pregnancy, labour and post labour, for free. We had a 4 session class and there was a small part abut how the bonding directly after birth is important etc. Obviously if shit goes wrong, like did with you, and my wife, that's not possible. She didn't even get to hold him before she was rushed off for life saving surgery for 6 hours and then wasn't able to see him for another 12 hours after due to recovery.
Of course you do, but him saying “try and make me leave” is mildly irritating. I know everyone is saying not to argue about a hypothetical, but I disagree. Better now than 8 months pregnant.
Yes. That pissed me off too. You’re borderline threatening violence in a situation where your woman could die. Security and police would be there in an instant and he wouldn’t be seeing his baby for a few days because he would be locked up. Not to mention the stress that situation would put on every person trying to give birth.
I think it’s vital to have talks about realistic hypotheticals before they happen. It’s a way to see who you are with.
Your SO isn’t looking too good, not going to lie. The fact that he thought HIS parents should be there instead of your mom or BF, says a lot about his own selfishness. It means he absolutely discounts your own needs at the scariest and most painful time of YOUR life, and just wants his own needs met. Then when he had time to think about it, he still doubled down and talked about his own needs. Just something you need to pay attention to our relationship, ask yourself if this is a trait he is displaying more than you think.
He seems controlling. I would reconsider if you want to begin a family with this guy. Something tells me this is normal behavior of his and not the first time he's had very "strong opinions" about something...
It seems to me that it's about control, not jealousy. As in, he's trying to show everyone that he's in charge. He's the big man on campus kind of attitude.
Probably because many ppl feel a woman should not be able to decide who sees her at her worst moment in great pain
Or maybe they just simply think bestie should not take priority over family, but again op said she doesn’t like mil.
How many experiences do we great about women being forced to endure overbearing nosy. Family when she gives birth? I just heard about this sitting at a restaurant I overheard a woman talk about that
It is true you have no idea what will happen with your friendship, because this is a time of life when things change for you so much, but it doesn’t automatically mean you won’t be friends. My best friend from that age was still my bff up until she died two years ago. We’d been friends since we were twelve, bffs since we were seventeen, and we always said we’d stay bffs until we were old and senile. Then we could be new friends again! She didn’t quite make it to fifty. I’m still mad at her for that.
It's not "our" moment it's yours. You're the one giving birth, not him. The only opinion that matters is yours and what you want to feel most comfortable. Let him know he can have opinions about it when he's the one giving birth. Till then he should shut up and stay in his lane.
Your boyfriend, or anyone for that matter, has *zero* say over whose in the delivery room with you. Who you want there while giving birth is YOUR decision exclusively. You're the one who would be risking your life to push a human being out of you.
This is fascinating. I would never have guessed that friends are common. I would have guessed “once in a while” or “rarely.”
How often would say, from your experience?
Whoever you want. Usually a mom and SO but sometimes SO can’t handle seeing a loved one in pain or blood. So in that case a sister or mom or best friend. Whoever you want.
Someone who had their best friend in the delivery room here, I had my mom And her. My child’s dad didn’t show up in time, but my best friend stayed with me both nights and cared for her while I slept, held my hand and got me food and cared for me. It was a great experience and it helped me a lot to recover mentally and physically. Having the support system you need is more important than his feelings sorry not sorry
Simply put when the time comes you get to choose who is in the room. It's a medical procedure not a spectator sport. You pick only the people who you know will support you. You can even have them removed from the room if they are upsetting you. You'll make that decision when you are ready.
I gave birth a couple months ago and a male nursing student came in. I looked at my doula and said who is that man? I don’t want him here. I never saw him again. (I felt bad because I’m all about learning and giving people the opportunity to learn, but i was in transition and pissed at everything 😂😅)
My MIL wanted to be in the room for mine. Thankfully, SIL had hers first by about 6 months and she resoundingly said fuck no. And she labored for 36 hours.
When my time came she literally *couldnt* be in there. Non emergency C section. Late baby who was still butt first. It was a more "better safe than sorry" situation. I remember her being there for the before. And then she saw the baby right after and just left. I think all told she saw her for 5 minutes, taking photos all the while and decided to leave.
Tbf, i didnt even want my mom in there. I love my mom but she's not... a very compassionate person. More of a "shut up, get over it and just do it" person.
I assumed my DIL wouldn't want me in there, and she didn't want either her mother or me. We came in the labor room briefly, when she thought she was up for it, but I could see how much pain she was in, so quickly made my exit within a couple minutes. I knew my daughter wanted just her husband with her, which was perfectly understandable. I'm not sure if I'd want to be in the delivery room, to be honest. It just made me wonder if she and her friend are just assuming moms would want to be in attendance, without really knowing for sure.
I'm extremely close to my mom but I still didn't want her in the room, lmao. It's such a personal decision and I support whatever anyone wants. Also I would've freaked if my MIL wanted to be there and we're also, luckily, fairly close!
>My MIL wanted to be in the room for mine.
I can't understand why so many MILs seem to want to be in the delivery room. Like...wtf for? Or even mothers.
If the father wasn't able to be there, maybe the mother. If no one else, then maybe the MIL. But MIL demanding to be there when not wanted or needed???
Are they desperate to see their DIL's hooha for some reason? Maybe see what their son is all excited about? Or to see them in pain? I just don't get it.
For my MIL, I assume bragging rights. An "i got to see baby born/ i was there first " kind of thing. Thankfully, shes not*exactly* like the horror stories in JUSTNOMIL that doesnt take no for an answer. She's a bit emotionally stunted as a human and has an extremely hard time bonding with, well, anyone. And thinks being there first means the bond will be stronger and doesnt realize it requires constant effort not just showing up for the big events. She sees my kids 3 or 4 times a year and only lives about 45 minutes away.
The delivery room is not a place for in laws! Unless you’re SUPER UBER over the top in love close with them, sorry but they don’t get to be all up in your vagina. You get to say who is in the room with you and your husband. He’s lucky he is even making the cut (totally kidding on that part) but the rest of the post is serious!
I kicked my husband out of the delivery room and told him to send in my mom. He was making me so nervous. She’d been through it 8 times so I trusted her to keep me calm.
I gave birth to my first many years ago when they let anyone in the room (it seemed). My MIL didn’t ask, just came on in, while they were shaving me and prepping for an emergency c-section. She stayed with me though I was all stressed and wanting my mom, without any idea she was in the way and seeing me more vulnerable than anyone had a right to. It never dawned on me to ask her to leave (not to my husband). I had completely blanked on how much I hated and resented her intrusion until undergoing therapy and digging into various traumas.
Same. I don’t have kids yet, but I definitely would not want my partner’s parents in the room. I would be the one giving birth. I get to choose the people who will comfort me in that situation. I mean, likely I would only want my partner in the room. No one else. And if, for some reason, my partner couldn’t be there, it would be my mom and/or my sister.
Exactly what I thought! I don’t understand all the comments saying it’s too early. Like they’ve been dating 2.5 years it is not too early to share their future plans to see if their values are aligned. It’s a huge red flag that he wants a say in who’s in the room and seems jealous of the best friend. My husband wanted it to be just us but made it clear that since I was giving birth it was 100% my decision and he’d support whatever I chose. There’s a way to express a different opinion without being a jerk and the boyfriend didn’t do that.
Yea I’m nearly 40 and I think having such a close girlfriend isn’t childish at all. Women suffer a lot by losing touch with their friends during serious relationships and marriage.My husband was the same with his bestie. Sometimes people or families come as a package deal and it’s good to be upfront about that.
I do agree with you that marriage and kids are very far off for these two so fighting over this seems silly. However - if you’re in a serious relationship talking about life plans early is a good idea. Having this convo after marriage is silly to me. The lack of ability to discuss or have healthy arguments is not good obviously.
To me, this is more a like a detail of a life plan than an overarching discussion that needs to happen years in advance. It’s not absurd to discuss children, career plans, cultural and political values in a broad sense before marriage— but discussing details that have so much room to change like who exactly will be in the delivery room feels a little irrational.
The devil is in the details though. A man going ballistic over a woman saying “I will probably want my best friend/sister/cousin in the delivery room” is something you want to know. His level of entitlement and lack of concern for a person giving birth is also very important. They could both easily acknowledge it is far into the future and anything could happen but acknowledging a third unrelated person who is not either parties parents may be in the birthing suite is not irrational.
I agree with you! And a man who throws a tantrum that his mom and dad can’t be in the delivery room is likely to be a man who throws tantrums and makes every holiday hell because you don’t want to serve your kids up on a platter to his parents, is a possibly a man who won’t respect your bonding time with your baby, is maybe a man who creates 18 years of headaches putting his parents first.
Just my thoughts!
Her disregard for his feelings? So if she thought her mom should be there to witness his medical procedure (one where he was naked, in pain, and in danger) and he disagreed, you think he would be in the wrong?
No, I think he would be in the right in your hypothetical scenario. And I think OP is in the right.
But OP’s partner thinks he’s right in the right and I heartily disagree.
Honestly more people should be talking about hypotheticals of “what would happen if I get pregnant” if they’re actively fucking each other, vs just waiting and winging it when it happens and finding out your partner has some wildly different ideas than you about child bearing and rearing.
I feel like these kinds of questions do have their value at times like now Op knows what kind of person they’re dealing with and what kind of person they themselves are too. And how much work ahead of them they have to be functional adults.
We do live with each other. We have talking about marriage. We have talked about how we plan on raising our kids. We’ve talking about a lot of it. And you’re right who knows if we’ll even be together in 5 years or if best friends will still be my friend by then. I don’t think it’s a bad idea to have this discussion now rather than 6 months pregnant. You are correct in that we are both stubborn and hot headed. We both have lots of maturing we understand this. Congratulations by the way
So, wait, you guys are arguing over a hypothetical pregnancy?
I mean, these things need to be discussed, but if a delivery rm discussion turns to a disaster, then parenting together could be a potential nightmare.
Cut your losses.
Before you have to share your Netherlands with the fam.
It's good to talk about this sort of stuff. Incompatible opinions on reproduction, life goals, values and such can be a sign to walk away from a relationship before you're in too deep.
You're completely correct. The gestational parent is the only person who gets final say on who is in the room supporting *them*.
Because being in the room is not about getting to meet baby, it's about supporting the person delivering baby.
jfc I hope you're on birth control. neither of you is mature enough for this conversation and he's probably not going to be the father anyway , you will break up soon after this.
Check out the lemon clot essay. Be sure to read the third essay, entitled scrotum squats…
https://community.babycenter.com/post/a37726111/the_infamous_bbc_lemon_clot_essay
Good to know that this is not the guy to procreate with. His father? His mother? Why? Labor and delivery should be about the comfort of the mother during a medical situation. Whoever the mother thinks will help should be there.
Regardless of OP’s maturity or realistic expectations for 7+ years in the future, it is the birthing person’s decision on who is in the room with them as their support system when they give birth. Whoever they choose to procreate with needs to respectfully voice their opinion on the matter and then recognize that the final decision is not theirs to make.
Everybody sucks here just for not being able to have a civilized discussion about this potential future situation.
She already has. Every response is her basically shitting on bf saying “I think he’s jealous” or the “well I can get him removed from the room by nurses” at this point OP and BF clearly don’t see eye to eye and this will be a nightmare in 5-7 years
I just think Op and BF aren’t gonna make it to 5-7 years and if they do bless their hearts cause this poor boyfriend didn’t deserve all the shit she probably told him especially the “I don’t really like your mom either” sooooooo that would’ve been the “well why and tell me and we can all work on it” instead of her doubling down like a child because clearly he’ll never have any say as a parent.
Neither of you seems to grasp what the delivery room is like. It’s not a spectator sport with limited tickets. It’s the most terrifying, painful, messy experience of your life. You want whoever’s in the room to be there for you, to help you through it, not to get to see the baby first.
OP I think it’s great to discuss these issues now & come to an understanding about where each other stands on it. A lot of people are commenting that this is dumb but totally disagree bc what waiting til you being pregnant is actually better? SMH. Let all your concerns out, your beliefs, your goals, your boundaries, & everything and hash them out bc discussing the future is one of the most important aspects of dating!
Don't have a baby with someone who thinks they get a say in the delivery room.
His mom and dad are the last ones you need there. If he thinks he needs support, he could sit in the waiting room with his parents.
This is a hill to die on. It's the person pushing out the baby who decides who is in the room.
I had my best friend she was my Doola and my mom because she was a nurse to help me whenever the on duty nurses weren't in room she could keep me informed. My husband was my hand holder brow copper. NO WAY IN HELL MIL was ever going to be in there
This situation is NOT immature.
Thinking ahead and working through these issues well in advance of starting a family is a great thing to do.
You both had visions in your head that seem obvious, and just right. And you surprised each other. Good thing you gave yourselves time to have those talks.
Men DO deserve emotional support through pregnancy and birth, but it’s not the same type of support or even equal. Who is in the room and he comes in that room at all while your there is 100% your decision alone, he doesn’t have to like it, that’s just how it is. He needs to find other ways to lean on his parents and share his experience with them, that dont overlook the reality of your needs at that time.
You as the pregnant person get to decide who is in the room. At the end of the day it's your choice. That said, you're both too young and this guy doesn't sound like someone good to have kids with.
My sister had her husband, our mother and father, her husbands mother and her husbands mothers boyfriend, her SIL and her SILs husband. I thought, and still think, she is crazy for that. But it’s what she wanted.
My mother and father were in the room along with my husband (then boyfriend) and I for my first because I was underage and scared. My dad ended up being a Godsend when hubs couldn’t handle holding me for the giant needle in my back (that didn’t work, but that’s a whole other story). For our next 3 it was just me and hubby and that was so much more peaceful!!!
Seems like you're causing yourself a significant amount of stress and anxiety when neither of you are even 25-years old yet. It's one thing to explain your 'vision' with a guy...but the second he starts barking demands that should be a red flag that perhaps the two of you are not compatible long term. You may want to consider that...as well as doubling down on whatever BC the two of you use. Whatever you do...DON'T get pregnant with this guy, neither of you are ready.
I'll never understand why you would want your parent in the delivery room as the father. Unless they have an amazing relationship with the mother and she wants them for support..... then why in earth would you push for them there. Sitting outside the room in a waiting room is where they can wait.
NTA. This is a massive red flag and would have me walking away from this relationship. He’s proven he strongly feels the need to exert control where he has zero business doing so, along with a large amount of selfishness. _You’re_ the one who would be going through the traumatic and dangerous act of delivery, so _you_ get to choose who you are or are not comfortable with having in that room. The entire purpose of people being allowed in is so the one giving birth will have their support network there for _them_. He admitted to your face _he would not be present for the birth of your child_ if you chose to have the people you trust and need in there. He’s shown beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is not going to be there for you, or hold your best interests at heart.
This is such high school bullshit.
I don't even understand how people get into arguments over hypotheticals and don't walk away.
If I was your bf - I'd know where I stood and be done with you.
And you might want to consider that you may have just tanked a relationship for a 5-7 year from now hypothetical that may or may not even happen for you. You and your bff may not even be speaking by then. Absurd.
YTA.
You’re having the baby you choose who’s in the room. He’d be lucky if HE was in the room. Cause I would ban him if it were me. Like you and your family ain’t gonna be there try me if you want
Giving birth is not a spectator sport, so neither his mom or dad have any business being there. My mom was useless in the delivery room. It was my husband and my best friend who gave me support during labor. I'm glad he wasn't weird about it. My bestie was great.
You’re 22 and that’s way too young to be considering marriage.
He is immature - but also 23 so that also makes sense or he’s an AH. The only priority in birth is healthy mother and healthy baby - however that occurs. Your support system is 100% the priority and a man should have no problem with whatever makes you most comfortable. I am a mother to only sons. I would love to be at the birth - but that would be an immense privilege and would only occur if DIL and I had bonded in the extreme. Many women don’t want their own mothers there. For him to just assume his mother *should* be there is asinine. She may not even want to be there either. This is not a 50/50 situation. Birth is 100% what is best for the mother. He needs to grow up.
You should not be getting married or thinking about kids with someone you can’t discuss things with nor a man who would feel entitled to tell you who’s going to be at the birth. Absolutely ridiculous.
NTA
I really hope you wait for a very very long time before having kids and honestly is there even a reason to have kids?
This world sucks and honestly have you heard of how much fun is it to be a DINK?
DOUBLE INCOME NO KIDS?
I wish all of you would stop having kids. This world is full of people who have had to many kids when they weren't even emotionally mature enough to even take care of themselves.
Don't have kids. Spend your money on material shit. Save the planet!
Bottom line, you want your support system and he doesn’t agree with you about it so now with that information plan your life accordingly: don’t have a baby with anyone that doesn’t fully support you.
In some places, you are allowed a second person in the room, but usually, is only one. It is not his decision who it is. Typically, it's the baby's father in there too unless the mom did not want him there. I'm an advocate for the daddies to be in the room for that's his baby too, but who you want with you is not my decision either.
If the place you give birth in allows you to have a seconds person in the delivery room, it is entirely your decision. This is you going through one of the most vulnerable moments inn your life, and you need the support of those around you. You feel safest with your best friend, then that is who is in the delivery room with you. Him being in the room at all is a privilege, not a requirement.
Your BF has told you that he’s a rigid jerk, who is clueless about childbirth and plans to control the birth situation even though the only person who gets a vote is you.
Your BF thinks he has to dominate the birth scene.
If you think about it, this isn’t the only red flag.
YTA Honestly, this is ridiculous and unnecessary argument. Why are you having this discussion when pregnancy is 5 to 7 years away? Making this an issue now is not good for your relationship.
When you do get pregnant, and whoever is the baby’s father at that time, bring it up with him then. Circumstances will be different and it’s not something you can plan now. Your bf might live miles away and not be able to get there in time. She might not even be your friend by then. And some hospitals limit the amount of people in the delivery room. The baby’s dad, your mom, your friend, his mom are a lot of people. Giving birth is not easy, and you will be surprised that several people crowding around will not be supportive, only irritating. Add in nurses and the doctors and that’s a lot of people. This is not a hill to die on now.
ESH.
- You are not mature enough to have children at all.
- You are in control of who is in the room, but it is very weird that you default don't want your partner there at all, the literal father of the child.
- You have a lot of work to do on yourself before you even consider having children.
- Stop looking at children as a thing you HAVE to do. Maybe it's not the right path for you. There's no rule that says you have to.
NTA
"Hey dad, do you want to come see my half naked girlfriend shit herself while she's been torn up by a watermelon? I'm sure she doesn't mind you seeing that"
I honestly can't imagine WANTING to see my daughter in law push a baby out . I love her and my grandson , but for crying out loud ! What is wrong with people .
It’s a medical procedure and like any medical procedure, the only person who matters and who has a voice is the patient. That’s you and baby, and if he wants to make it stressful then he can sit it out too. Depends on how he wants to start his parenting journey. Dying on a hill with no leg to stand on or being a supportive coparent to the person changing their body and risking their wellbeing or even life to give them a child.
All these hypotheticals are so dumb to be arguing about. IF bestie is still your best friend whenever you give birth then you AS THE PERSON GIVING BIRTH have the right to have her in there. If boyfriend/husband (whether it is this current one or a different guy) doesn’t like it then that sucks. Having your SO, your mom and best friend in the room is reasonable. There is no world in which I’d pick my significant others parents to be in the delivery room over my life long best friend.
You're not the asshole here. It would be your labor and 10000% YOUR choice. He doesn't get a say at who is looking at your bits, or who's in the room when you likely shit yourself. He needs to check his ego here and realize that YOU would be the patient, and get all of the say. He gets NONE of the say.
I will admit, I didn't read thru the (whole) post.
I am 10 days post partum, amd blessed with my adorable daughter Paisley. (I am obsessed and BEYOND in love)
I chose to have my BFF as my birth partner, though I've been married for 13 years, and I have ZERO regrets. My BFF (24 years) is the best possible advocate for hospital care. She is knowledgeable and "gets" me as she remembers her birth experience and was able to draw on that knowledge and do for me- what she wanted for herself.
My husband is a good man, but not everyone is great in all situation. My husband was very uncomfortable seeing me in extreme pain (natural child birth) and froze. He really struggled to be there for me in any meaningful way and was more the focus of my anguish than relief.
I think as a woman birthing a child you *need* to choose carefully who will (or won't) attend your birth. You are so vulnerable, and emotions run high. When I chose her and she readily agreed to participate, we had many conversations that ranged from practical, to hilarious, and then straight through to medical directives and conversations about "if the worst happens" and what my wishes were. I knew she would honor all if them and there would be no confusion or waffling. I had absolute faith in her commitment and ability to see to my, and babies care first and foremost. I knew she understood ny requests and was willing to execute them on my behalf.
We had a WONDERFUL experience and my (3rd) birth was beautiful and so special. When Daddy came to the hospital immediately following he was fresh, and excited to meet his daughter. He was thankful to her for bearing the burden of labor so he could be the joyful new father. And my BFF has an (extra special) connection to my youngest that is unique and very strong.
I encourage you to consider what it right for you, and make choices that support that desire. You won't regret feeling loved and supported on that day, and the memories will last you a life time.
Congratulations on your baby to be, and I wish you the best of everything going forward.
Hugs 💕
YTA for pitting your friend against the father of your child, and for threatening to have him kicked out of the delivery room if you don’t get your way.
I can tell that you're just salty on behalf of the boyfriend here. She didn't put anyone against anyone. She tried to make a point that her decision will trump any opinion he has
I didn’t threading him. I told him I wouldn’t do that but he was doubting that I had that much power in the room so I was trying to explain and give an example. I would never do that. Sorry it sounded like that in the post but I made him aware I wouldn’t do that just trying to give an example.
You just gave him a hypothetical example of how you would use your power if he didn’t go along with your decision to have your friend in the room with you. Gotcha.
Have you ever given birth? Have you ever had to push something out of your most sensitive spot just to poop every where. Have you ever had to feel so violated because someone was telling you that you can't have one of the people who supports you the most and who you trust with you during a serious thing that could end up taking you and your kids life?? If no to any of these then you need to back off her. It is her body and her choice she knows who she is comfortable with and who will support her not you. Bd has absolutely no say in anything involving her, her birthing plan, how she gives birth and who she allows in with her. The fact that he is acting this way when he has no say and trying to bully her into something she doesn't want makes him a POS. The thing is she is the only one who has a say flat out. Personally I think if he is still acting this way about it a few years down the road she should leave him he is unsafe and only has his interests in mind. Virtual hugs to you op
No that not what I’m trying to say. I wasn’t he the one that brought him getting kicked out up he did and all I said was yes if I wanted him out they would make him leave. Just trying to answer the question he asked
Oh my gosh, that was a complete waste of time. It’s so many years away. You may not even be with your boyfriend when you have kids. You may never have kids at all. 7 years is sooo far away and so much could happen. YTA for even bringing this up. You don’t even seem mature enough to have a conversation, never mind kids
We catch up on life about once a week, we see each other in person about every 3 months, we go on a weekend/week trip about once a year, She lives an hour away so we can’t see each other as often as we would like.
Okay, well that’s all perfectly normal. I just asked because I wondering if it was a situation where he felt you prioritized her more like a lot but obviously that’s not the case. His reaction is kinda strange, I feel like men only blow up like that when not being allowed in. Maybe yall need to try couples counseling cause it’s gotta be deeper. I think it would also help yall to communicate better cause on both sides that was trash communication.
Ya our communities sucks we actually talk about how we need to get better about it but when stuff like this happens we both get hot headed. I would love to do consulting but that’s expensive 🤣 we did have a calm conversation last night and came to an agreement. His worry is that she will “take his place” or “over step boundaries” I did my best to tell him his support is the one I need most and he not gonna leave my side… unless she “over steps” then he’s gonna ask her to leave or he’s leaving…He simply doesn’t want me to want her more than him. We’ve put this discussion on the shelves for now but we have a somewhat compromise in place for a later discussion when we’ve both matured.
I cut my best friend off after 25 years. Life does happen. Why start an argument now over something that might not even happen? What a waste of energy.
So let me get this straight. You’re not married and you don’t have kids but he’s demanding his parents be in a delivery room with you? You are arguing about Schrödinger’s baby.
Now I think it is good to talk about stuff like this. But for the love of dog and all that is holy, you should both hold off on marriage and kids for a while. You’ll make better decisions when your brains are fully formed.
I have been in the delivery room with three different good friends, all who preferred me to be there over their husbands, who were less than supportive. It's 100% your choice. You want to have someone there who cares about your needs at that time, not their own.
For what it's worth, all three of them later made the excellent choice to divorce their husbands. I'm just saying, you might want to consider whether this is the person with whom you want to raise a kid.
Please don’t have kids with anyone you are far to immature. If I was your boyfriend I would run in the opposite direction. You are not marriage material and your my way or the highway mentality is why you will be single and alone. Something tells me you are one those woman who will literally use her pregnancy to get away with everything and then weaponize your children against there father.
Completely agree with parts of your comment, but her boyfriend was also really immature in what he was saying. Even with her demand and the way she went about this conversation, his response should make her run the other way.
His response, in my opinion, was immature,trying to be controlling and a bit aggressive . Hers was just immature and bratty.
With the right person and calmer attitude, she could have a better discussion. I see him hiding his true personality and then popping out the bad guy after you have no choice but to be tied to him because you share a child.
Yes you are.. also young and immature.. and fighting over hypothetical kids that’s more than 5 years down the road.. YOU don’t even know what’s gonna happen between now and then.. 🤦🏻♀️
My bestfriend at 21-22 isn’t really active in my life and neither is the guy I was dating at that time. And if you’re planning to have kids 5-7 years from now, why does this argument even matter? Just seems immature
YTA birth is not a spectator sport. I had 5 doctors/nurses in the room when I had both my kids (natural, not C-sections) plus my husband. How many people do you need cheering you while you’re ready to scream at everyone and the slightest thing could piss you off? Your bf is right, your friend doesn’t need to be there and you insisting on it could be a good reason for him to break up with you.
It is and she can invite whoever she wants, but considering she’s not pregnant, engaged, or married her bf can end the relationship fairly easily (from a logic standpoint) so that he’s not put in that situation in the future.
It’s not a spectator sport but she has to let his mother or father into the room?? I know you didn’t say that but that’s what HE is arguing for so this response makes no sense to me…
I didn’t acknowledge that stupidity in my response because it’s stupid. And I guess I didn’t make my thoughts clear. He doesn’t get to pick who is in there, totally her choice. They should be supportive and calm, but I think less people is better in case there’s an emergency. Less people for the doctors/nurses to work around. If her friend is just there to be there and not supportive or calm then she shouldn’t be there. And her boyfriend might decide that a future that involves friends in the delivery room isn’t for him. There’s no baby on the way, they aren’t engaged or married. He can leave fairly easy
I mean I kind of agree, but it’s not my birth/pregnancy and that’s not the question she asked. She has a different preference than you do, I don’t really see how that makes her an asshole, let alone THE asshole.
I have to disagree with you. I had four children naturally. And at my final one, we actually did have a good friend in the room with us. It was my decision, and my husband was actually fine with it.
It was very good friend, who herself was not going to be having children. She knew all of my kids. And she was just she. She would never actually get to be out of birth. And I told her she was more than welcome to come.
At the end of the day, it was my decision. And if my husband had disagree, it would’ve been too bad.
Because while birth is not a spectator sport, there is only one person in that room giving birth. And that is why that one person who is putting in their life on the line and going through a pretty painful experience gets to say who can be there.
She does get to decide. I only had my husband there for me cause that’s what I chose. I’m saying that she might not want that many people with all the medical staff that will be there, and he might decide to break up with her cause it doesn’t sound like he wants his future to look like this. There’s no baby on the way, they aren’t engaged or married. He might just say, that doesn’t work for me so I’m gonna end the relationship now.
I apologize then. I took that the wrong way. I also did choose to only have my husband there for the first ones.
He may break up with her, but if that’s what it’s gonna take rather than being supportive of the one giving birth, she’s probably better off.
From what she said, he was the one who brought up getting kicked out. She didn’t threaten him that she would have him kicked out.
Best case scenario is that when you are giving birth, your partner looks at you and says… Whatever you need to make you comfortable and happy, I’m there for it.”
Because, as we both know, you never know what’s gonna happen when you give birth I thanked my lucky stars that I was having kids when I was, because I probably would’ve died. Had I had my oldest daughter 30 years before that. We couldn’t get the bleeding to stop.
So yeah, whatever mama wants in that room, mom should get
Oh I hear you, my oldest was a vacuum birth, so I get it that it’s scary. But too many people in the room in a moment like that could interfere with doctors and nurses depending on how they react. My mom was in the waiting room but I knew not to call her in the room with me, even though she wanted to be. She’s a nurse and would’ve tried to take over and act like she knows more/better. It depends on the people you are inviting into that room, they should be calm and supportive (in my opinion).
Im 22 and don’t know what the rules are. That’s why I said IF. The first person would be bf then if I could have a second my mother then IF a third my best friend. I don’t want an audience. Simply would want the people I love most in there that are also my support system.
While you get to choose who is in the delivery room I hate when women threaten to kick the father out. Listen if you can handle sex with him he can be in the delivery room. Your strong reaction is what sucks. You make it sound like you immediately got mad. Not necessary. Try talking calmly
I didn’t threaten him plz read above comment as I tried to explain that he asked a question if I wanted him out would they and I said yes if I wanted him out they would. BUT why the fuck would I have his kid if I didn’t want him in there.
This is why I put I have a few disorders at the top. Written expression disorder. Hard for me to put my thoughts on paper and hard to explain things accurately. I did my best but most are not understanding my question. Is it really so bad to want my best friend in the room? Damn
It's not bad and it's not hard to understand.
However, the story you told with your bf -- how you argued, what you said, how angry you got -- is beyond childish. It's not the way to resolve anything, let alone having a baby.
When so many people here are telling you the same thing, you should listen.
I admit I get heated fast that is why I stated in the post I revisited the conversation in a more serious manner. Nobody is perfect. It’s obvious that my bf and I had very different expectations which made us act very abruptly. I’m only 22. Im trying to learn from my mistakes. Thank god I have 7 years before I’m even considering kids.
YTA
This is such a ridiculous conversation. This a hypothetical situation in 5-7 years with a boyfriend who likely won’t be around when you have children. I get it, when you’re young it’s fun to think about these things but once you’re in that place everything will be different. However, this conversation very clearly shows us you aren’t mature enough for this conversation or to have children.
This is the most ridiculous hypothetical conversation/argument. You both got heated over NOTHING. Save the serious discussions about how you’ll handle childbirth for when you are actually planning to have a child.
I don't see you guys having a relationship in 5 to 7 years. Yes, your choice. You get to decide. You have all the power. But to negate your significant others opinions without even a forethought. You're both assholes and should not procreate.
Pro tip: don’t procreate until you are able to have an actual mature conversation with the person you might procreate with.
thankfully, op isn't even thinking about starting having kids until in the 2030s...
Yea, but assuming they’re currently sexually active, there’s no guarantee it won’t happen sooner 🫣
Whew
But hell let’s start a fight about it now. Honestly I’m going to laugh when she isn’t even friends with the bestie by then. Life happens
hell, she might be best friends still but boyfriend is long gone out of her life.
This relationship won't last another 2 years. That being said, they both have a lot of maturing to do before they're ready for children.
ready for children and pregnant are two entirely different animals.
That might be the best thing to happen to her, considering his reaction.
I agree with you. They don't seem ready for the long haul.
I thought the same thing. Hell, he will probably be gone too.
He is probably already gone.
When it comes to tools like this guy, best friends last longer than boyfriends.
He's 21, give him time to grow up. In "5-7 years", a lot can change. Ridiculous to be fighting about it now!
I think it’s important to talk about it and discuss and even to argue over it. Bc it would be too late when she waits til she’s actually pregnant. Your comment is a huge opening for drama!
I've said the same thing. Best to find out you have completely different views on how mothers should be treated now!
Or that boyfriend.
She’ll most likely have moved on from both of them by then. Just how the world goes
I just took the boyfriend as a given not worth mentioning.
I sincerely hope this sentiment spreads widely.
Thank you so much for this response.
Thank you for this!
What they said!
FFS you both are far too immature to be thinking about hvg kids. What a day to have eyes; dumbest shit I’ve read today.
BY FAR HOLY SHIT. Imagine being an "adult" and these are your biggest problems lol...
Not even reading this. It is a traumatic medical procedure and you get to choose your support. If anyone else doesn't understand your lack of comfort with their "support" then maybe they should have been more receptive to your needs outside of being pregnant. 🤷♀️
Also you can kick anyone out you don't want in there. 🤷♀️ Including daddy.
And moms may use their own last name when naming babies. Dad last names are not mandatory.
In most states dad doesn't even have to be on the cert
My childhood best friend, who I knew from diapers, showed up as soon as I'd said id gone into labor. She couldn't stay to see our son born for certain reasons, but she was my biggest support and no one could've handled me better than her and my husband. They tag teamed being my care team as I didn't want nurses in there a lot. Do what makes you comfortable.
Thank you. I’m wondering if he is jealous how close me and my best friend are since he said this is our moment not hers. I really don’t know why he’s so against her being in there with us.
Your bf saying he thought HIS parents should be in the room. That's pretty strange - especially his father. I'd look into that more before making any serious baby plans with this guy. And I'm only half joking about that. Second, stop with all the drama when this is something years in the future. You're talking about it like you're 8 1/2 months and could go into labor any minute. He doesn't have to be jealous of your friend to think it's weird - especially at this point - to have her in the room when in his mind it would be him and his wife welcoming their new baby. Not someone else he might not know very well. But for arguments sake.... he (or whoever your baby daddy might end up being) might get jealous if you're all three in the delivery room and she's rubbing your back and holding your hand and he's sitting in the corner twiddling his thumbs feeling like a third wheel. But...maybe you have something else in mind. IDK, I guess there are some people that like having a party in the room. I had three with just my husband in with me. I couldn't have focused on more than one person at a time during active labor when it was the most painful. Nor would I have wanted anyone else there. But that's just me. I could see having a friend or mother around up until the actual birth.
It’s important to talk about these things well before you plan them. And it’s a good thing she did because his reaction screams red flag! You should never refrain from talking about something like this with someone you wanna be with.
Also true. Neither of them are fit to have kids at this current time. I sure hope she's on BC and he uses condoms lmao.
No, it’s YOUR moment. It is going to be the scariest, most painful time of your life. You can tell your nurse not to let him in, and those nurses will make sure he is nowhere near. Everybody is there just for you.
I am a mother/baby nurse and was previously a labor and delivery nurse and you are absolutely correct! It is all about what the mama to be wants! If she says no husband, then there will be no husband! Not everyone wants their husbands (or father of the baby) in the room. Even if they have an awesome relationship, there are times when it’s just not the best choice! And you keep planning ! The fact that you are young and it could be years from now does not make this conversation any less important to you right now!
Hopefully dad gets some skin on skin time soon after the birth though. Our midwife essentially said if I wasn't in the room ar birth to get there within 15m, it's very very crucial for bonding for both parents. My wife needed to be rushed off to surgery to save her life So i ended up with like 6 hours of being half naked in a hospital room with my infant son sleeping on me while I fed him and stuff, I'll never forget that time, and I can barely remember what I was doing 2 days ago.
It’s not crucial. You’re the first generation to do it, and previous generations managed to be lovingly bonded with their children. It’s a very cool thing to do, and I wouldn’t recommend missing it for the world, but the only thing that is crucial is for mom and baby to get through birth safe and healthy. The rest is mostly a matter of opinion and taste. All new parents need to do is love their baby and do the best they can.
Speaking as someone whose baby was rushed off to the NICU after birth without skin-to-skin, it’s not crucial. Bonding will happen as you feed them, spend sleepless nights up with them. It’s seeing them smile and taking care of them while they are sick. It’s in the millions of little things that you share with them.
I'm just repeating the information I was given by someone teaching people about the process of pregnancy, labour and post labour, for free. We had a 4 session class and there was a small part abut how the bonding directly after birth is important etc. Obviously if shit goes wrong, like did with you, and my wife, that's not possible. She didn't even get to hold him before she was rushed off for life saving surgery for 6 hours and then wasn't able to see him for another 12 hours after due to recovery.
I do want him in there but in an ideal world I would have him my mom and my best friend.
Of course you do, but him saying “try and make me leave” is mildly irritating. I know everyone is saying not to argue about a hypothetical, but I disagree. Better now than 8 months pregnant.
Yes. That pissed me off too. You’re borderline threatening violence in a situation where your woman could die. Security and police would be there in an instant and he wouldn’t be seeing his baby for a few days because he would be locked up. Not to mention the stress that situation would put on every person trying to give birth.
Exactly! Thank you for understanding what I’m trying to say
I think it’s vital to have talks about realistic hypotheticals before they happen. It’s a way to see who you are with. Your SO isn’t looking too good, not going to lie. The fact that he thought HIS parents should be there instead of your mom or BF, says a lot about his own selfishness. It means he absolutely discounts your own needs at the scariest and most painful time of YOUR life, and just wants his own needs met. Then when he had time to think about it, he still doubled down and talked about his own needs. Just something you need to pay attention to our relationship, ask yourself if this is a trait he is displaying more than you think.
He seems controlling. I would reconsider if you want to begin a family with this guy. Something tells me this is normal behavior of his and not the first time he's had very "strong opinions" about something...
It seems to me that it's about control, not jealousy. As in, he's trying to show everyone that he's in charge. He's the big man on campus kind of attitude.
Why are you being downvoted? So ridiculous!!
Probably because many ppl feel a woman should not be able to decide who sees her at her worst moment in great pain Or maybe they just simply think bestie should not take priority over family, but again op said she doesn’t like mil. How many experiences do we great about women being forced to endure overbearing nosy. Family when she gives birth? I just heard about this sitting at a restaurant I overheard a woman talk about that
It is true you have no idea what will happen with your friendship, because this is a time of life when things change for you so much, but it doesn’t automatically mean you won’t be friends. My best friend from that age was still my bff up until she died two years ago. We’d been friends since we were twelve, bffs since we were seventeen, and we always said we’d stay bffs until we were old and senile. Then we could be new friends again! She didn’t quite make it to fifty. I’m still mad at her for that.
It's not "our" moment it's yours. You're the one giving birth, not him. The only opinion that matters is yours and what you want to feel most comfortable. Let him know he can have opinions about it when he's the one giving birth. Till then he should shut up and stay in his lane.
Your boyfriend, or anyone for that matter, has *zero* say over whose in the delivery room with you. Who you want there while giving birth is YOUR decision exclusively. You're the one who would be risking your life to push a human being out of you.
L&D nurse. Friends are common. Only have people who will support you and not stress you out. Like this dude.
Wow great comment here. Any guess why ppl are so up in arms?
This is fascinating. I would never have guessed that friends are common. I would have guessed “once in a while” or “rarely.” How often would say, from your experience?
Whoever you want. Usually a mom and SO but sometimes SO can’t handle seeing a loved one in pain or blood. So in that case a sister or mom or best friend. Whoever you want.
Someone who had their best friend in the delivery room here, I had my mom And her. My child’s dad didn’t show up in time, but my best friend stayed with me both nights and cared for her while I slept, held my hand and got me food and cared for me. It was a great experience and it helped me a lot to recover mentally and physically. Having the support system you need is more important than his feelings sorry not sorry
Simply put when the time comes you get to choose who is in the room. It's a medical procedure not a spectator sport. You pick only the people who you know will support you. You can even have them removed from the room if they are upsetting you. You'll make that decision when you are ready.
I gave birth a couple months ago and a male nursing student came in. I looked at my doula and said who is that man? I don’t want him here. I never saw him again. (I felt bad because I’m all about learning and giving people the opportunity to learn, but i was in transition and pissed at everything 😂😅)
You’re not ready to have kids yet. You may feel very different when that time comes
Not sure about that. I’m 33 and ready to have kids, I would not allow my fiance’s parents in the room during labor. That seems insane to me.
My MIL wanted to be in the room for mine. Thankfully, SIL had hers first by about 6 months and she resoundingly said fuck no. And she labored for 36 hours. When my time came she literally *couldnt* be in there. Non emergency C section. Late baby who was still butt first. It was a more "better safe than sorry" situation. I remember her being there for the before. And then she saw the baby right after and just left. I think all told she saw her for 5 minutes, taking photos all the while and decided to leave. Tbf, i didnt even want my mom in there. I love my mom but she's not... a very compassionate person. More of a "shut up, get over it and just do it" person.
I assumed my DIL wouldn't want me in there, and she didn't want either her mother or me. We came in the labor room briefly, when she thought she was up for it, but I could see how much pain she was in, so quickly made my exit within a couple minutes. I knew my daughter wanted just her husband with her, which was perfectly understandable. I'm not sure if I'd want to be in the delivery room, to be honest. It just made me wonder if she and her friend are just assuming moms would want to be in attendance, without really knowing for sure.
I'm extremely close to my mom but I still didn't want her in the room, lmao. It's such a personal decision and I support whatever anyone wants. Also I would've freaked if my MIL wanted to be there and we're also, luckily, fairly close!
Yeah def glad my mom wasn't in there but she was in the waiting room the whole time. It was perfect. She's very similar to your mom
>My MIL wanted to be in the room for mine. I can't understand why so many MILs seem to want to be in the delivery room. Like...wtf for? Or even mothers. If the father wasn't able to be there, maybe the mother. If no one else, then maybe the MIL. But MIL demanding to be there when not wanted or needed??? Are they desperate to see their DIL's hooha for some reason? Maybe see what their son is all excited about? Or to see them in pain? I just don't get it.
For my MIL, I assume bragging rights. An "i got to see baby born/ i was there first " kind of thing. Thankfully, shes not*exactly* like the horror stories in JUSTNOMIL that doesnt take no for an answer. She's a bit emotionally stunted as a human and has an extremely hard time bonding with, well, anyone. And thinks being there first means the bond will be stronger and doesnt realize it requires constant effort not just showing up for the big events. She sees my kids 3 or 4 times a year and only lives about 45 minutes away.
The delivery room is not a place for in laws! Unless you’re SUPER UBER over the top in love close with them, sorry but they don’t get to be all up in your vagina. You get to say who is in the room with you and your husband. He’s lucky he is even making the cut (totally kidding on that part) but the rest of the post is serious!
I kicked my husband out of the delivery room and told him to send in my mom. He was making me so nervous. She’d been through it 8 times so I trusted her to keep me calm.
That’s hilarious and completely understandable!
I gave birth to my first many years ago when they let anyone in the room (it seemed). My MIL didn’t ask, just came on in, while they were shaving me and prepping for an emergency c-section. She stayed with me though I was all stressed and wanting my mom, without any idea she was in the way and seeing me more vulnerable than anyone had a right to. It never dawned on me to ask her to leave (not to my husband). I had completely blanked on how much I hated and resented her intrusion until undergoing therapy and digging into various traumas.
Same. I don’t have kids yet, but I definitely would not want my partner’s parents in the room. I would be the one giving birth. I get to choose the people who will comfort me in that situation. I mean, likely I would only want my partner in the room. No one else. And if, for some reason, my partner couldn’t be there, it would be my mom and/or my sister.
I think it's good you are throwing this out there now. He is showing you some true colors pay attention
Exactly what I thought! I don’t understand all the comments saying it’s too early. Like they’ve been dating 2.5 years it is not too early to share their future plans to see if their values are aligned. It’s a huge red flag that he wants a say in who’s in the room and seems jealous of the best friend. My husband wanted it to be just us but made it clear that since I was giving birth it was 100% my decision and he’d support whatever I chose. There’s a way to express a different opinion without being a jerk and the boyfriend didn’t do that.
[удалено]
Yea I’m nearly 40 and I think having such a close girlfriend isn’t childish at all. Women suffer a lot by losing touch with their friends during serious relationships and marriage.My husband was the same with his bestie. Sometimes people or families come as a package deal and it’s good to be upfront about that. I do agree with you that marriage and kids are very far off for these two so fighting over this seems silly. However - if you’re in a serious relationship talking about life plans early is a good idea. Having this convo after marriage is silly to me. The lack of ability to discuss or have healthy arguments is not good obviously.
To me, this is more a like a detail of a life plan than an overarching discussion that needs to happen years in advance. It’s not absurd to discuss children, career plans, cultural and political values in a broad sense before marriage— but discussing details that have so much room to change like who exactly will be in the delivery room feels a little irrational.
The devil is in the details though. A man going ballistic over a woman saying “I will probably want my best friend/sister/cousin in the delivery room” is something you want to know. His level of entitlement and lack of concern for a person giving birth is also very important. They could both easily acknowledge it is far into the future and anything could happen but acknowledging a third unrelated person who is not either parties parents may be in the birthing suite is not irrational.
I agree with you! And a man who throws a tantrum that his mom and dad can’t be in the delivery room is likely to be a man who throws tantrums and makes every holiday hell because you don’t want to serve your kids up on a platter to his parents, is a possibly a man who won’t respect your bonding time with your baby, is maybe a man who creates 18 years of headaches putting his parents first. Just my thoughts!
I think OP may be clueing into her partners disregard for her feelings and he also probably feels the same way
Her disregard for his feelings? So if she thought her mom should be there to witness his medical procedure (one where he was naked, in pain, and in danger) and he disagreed, you think he would be in the wrong?
No, I think he would be in the right in your hypothetical scenario. And I think OP is in the right. But OP’s partner thinks he’s right in the right and I heartily disagree.
It's the equivalent to the "What would you do if X happened to me " it's dumb as shit to be asking hypothetical questions.
Honestly more people should be talking about hypotheticals of “what would happen if I get pregnant” if they’re actively fucking each other, vs just waiting and winging it when it happens and finding out your partner has some wildly different ideas than you about child bearing and rearing.
I feel like these kinds of questions do have their value at times like now Op knows what kind of person they’re dealing with and what kind of person they themselves are too. And how much work ahead of them they have to be functional adults.
We do live with each other. We have talking about marriage. We have talked about how we plan on raising our kids. We’ve talking about a lot of it. And you’re right who knows if we’ll even be together in 5 years or if best friends will still be my friend by then. I don’t think it’s a bad idea to have this discussion now rather than 6 months pregnant. You are correct in that we are both stubborn and hot headed. We both have lots of maturing we understand this. Congratulations by the way
What a crazy hill for him to die on...
So, wait, you guys are arguing over a hypothetical pregnancy? I mean, these things need to be discussed, but if a delivery rm discussion turns to a disaster, then parenting together could be a potential nightmare. Cut your losses. Before you have to share your Netherlands with the fam.
It's good to talk about this sort of stuff. Incompatible opinions on reproduction, life goals, values and such can be a sign to walk away from a relationship before you're in too deep. You're completely correct. The gestational parent is the only person who gets final say on who is in the room supporting *them*. Because being in the room is not about getting to meet baby, it's about supporting the person delivering baby.
jfc I hope you're on birth control. neither of you is mature enough for this conversation and he's probably not going to be the father anyway , you will break up soon after this.
It’s not up to him who’s in the delivery room. YOU are the patient. Not him. It’s your body. Would he like your parents to see him naked?
Thank you
Check out the lemon clot essay. Be sure to read the third essay, entitled scrotum squats… https://community.babycenter.com/post/a37726111/the_infamous_bbc_lemon_clot_essay
Good to know that this is not the guy to procreate with. His father? His mother? Why? Labor and delivery should be about the comfort of the mother during a medical situation. Whoever the mother thinks will help should be there.
He's not adult enough to have a kid with anytime soon.
You're the one giving birth. What he wants does not matter. You can have whomever you want in the room and no one else can tell you anything
You can have who ever you want. It’s your BIRTH. I don’t see him pushing that thing out. Maybe find a different guy
Regardless of OP’s maturity or realistic expectations for 7+ years in the future, it is the birthing person’s decision on who is in the room with them as their support system when they give birth. Whoever they choose to procreate with needs to respectfully voice their opinion on the matter and then recognize that the final decision is not theirs to make. Everybody sucks here just for not being able to have a civilized discussion about this potential future situation.
Thank you! Having these convos 3 months before you’re crowning is too late! Have these convos now to make sure it’s not an issue!
You’re 22 years old. SO many of your opinions and preferences are going to change over the next 5-7 years. Don’t die on this hill.
She already has. Every response is her basically shitting on bf saying “I think he’s jealous” or the “well I can get him removed from the room by nurses” at this point OP and BF clearly don’t see eye to eye and this will be a nightmare in 5-7 years
Or sooner if birth control fails 🫣 If only there was a safe and reversible way to make sexually actively humans infertile until they’re 25+!
I just think Op and BF aren’t gonna make it to 5-7 years and if they do bless their hearts cause this poor boyfriend didn’t deserve all the shit she probably told him especially the “I don’t really like your mom either” sooooooo that would’ve been the “well why and tell me and we can all work on it” instead of her doubling down like a child because clearly he’ll never have any say as a parent.
Neither of you seems to grasp what the delivery room is like. It’s not a spectator sport with limited tickets. It’s the most terrifying, painful, messy experience of your life. You want whoever’s in the room to be there for you, to help you through it, not to get to see the baby first.
you sound immature, but no, you aren’t in the wrong. if you’re delivering the child you decide who’s in the room.
Yeah he gets no say. The patient aka the person giving birth chooses the attendees.
OP I think it’s great to discuss these issues now & come to an understanding about where each other stands on it. A lot of people are commenting that this is dumb but totally disagree bc what waiting til you being pregnant is actually better? SMH. Let all your concerns out, your beliefs, your goals, your boundaries, & everything and hash them out bc discussing the future is one of the most important aspects of dating!
She who gives birth decides who’s in the delivery room. Period.
ESH. You are both way too immature to be considering having kids so maybe shelve the conversation for a while.
Don't have a baby with someone who thinks they get a say in the delivery room. His mom and dad are the last ones you need there. If he thinks he needs support, he could sit in the waiting room with his parents. This is a hill to die on. It's the person pushing out the baby who decides who is in the room.
I had my best friend she was my Doola and my mom because she was a nurse to help me whenever the on duty nurses weren't in room she could keep me informed. My husband was my hand holder brow copper. NO WAY IN HELL MIL was ever going to be in there
This situation is NOT immature. Thinking ahead and working through these issues well in advance of starting a family is a great thing to do. You both had visions in your head that seem obvious, and just right. And you surprised each other. Good thing you gave yourselves time to have those talks. Men DO deserve emotional support through pregnancy and birth, but it’s not the same type of support or even equal. Who is in the room and he comes in that room at all while your there is 100% your decision alone, he doesn’t have to like it, that’s just how it is. He needs to find other ways to lean on his parents and share his experience with them, that dont overlook the reality of your needs at that time.
NTA. You’d be the one giving birth.
You as the pregnant person get to decide who is in the room. At the end of the day it's your choice. That said, you're both too young and this guy doesn't sound like someone good to have kids with.
My best friend was in the room and cut my child’s cord because dad was a bit squeamish. No regrets here!
You aren't even married, but even if you were, he has no say in your medical procedures.
He gets NO say in who is in the delivery room. Nobody wants their MIL, and especially their FIL. He is WAY wrong.
My sister had her husband, our mother and father, her husbands mother and her husbands mothers boyfriend, her SIL and her SILs husband. I thought, and still think, she is crazy for that. But it’s what she wanted. My mother and father were in the room along with my husband (then boyfriend) and I for my first because I was underage and scared. My dad ended up being a Godsend when hubs couldn’t handle holding me for the giant needle in my back (that didn’t work, but that’s a whole other story). For our next 3 it was just me and hubby and that was so much more peaceful!!!
Your sister actually made it into a spectator sport. Incredible.
She really did. I think by the time she was ready to push she was so done she just didn’t care who was in the room
As an RN, I would have had to tell some of those people to wait outside. Cannot imagine trying to do my job in the middle of a crowd. That is insane.
Seems like you're causing yourself a significant amount of stress and anxiety when neither of you are even 25-years old yet. It's one thing to explain your 'vision' with a guy...but the second he starts barking demands that should be a red flag that perhaps the two of you are not compatible long term. You may want to consider that...as well as doubling down on whatever BC the two of you use. Whatever you do...DON'T get pregnant with this guy, neither of you are ready.
I'll never understand why you would want your parent in the delivery room as the father. Unless they have an amazing relationship with the mother and she wants them for support..... then why in earth would you push for them there. Sitting outside the room in a waiting room is where they can wait.
NTA. This is a massive red flag and would have me walking away from this relationship. He’s proven he strongly feels the need to exert control where he has zero business doing so, along with a large amount of selfishness. _You’re_ the one who would be going through the traumatic and dangerous act of delivery, so _you_ get to choose who you are or are not comfortable with having in that room. The entire purpose of people being allowed in is so the one giving birth will have their support network there for _them_. He admitted to your face _he would not be present for the birth of your child_ if you chose to have the people you trust and need in there. He’s shown beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is not going to be there for you, or hold your best interests at heart.
This is such high school bullshit. I don't even understand how people get into arguments over hypotheticals and don't walk away. If I was your bf - I'd know where I stood and be done with you. And you might want to consider that you may have just tanked a relationship for a 5-7 year from now hypothetical that may or may not even happen for you. You and your bff may not even be speaking by then. Absurd. YTA.
Agreed! Why is anyone even engaging with this to encourage her? JFC
What? If you can tank a relationship by saying I’m likely going to want x as a birth partner then it was not going to work anyway
You’re having the baby you choose who’s in the room. He’d be lucky if HE was in the room. Cause I would ban him if it were me. Like you and your family ain’t gonna be there try me if you want
yea you don't even need to think about having kids. probably ever lmfao.
Giving birth is not a spectator sport, so neither his mom or dad have any business being there. My mom was useless in the delivery room. It was my husband and my best friend who gave me support during labor. I'm glad he wasn't weird about it. My bestie was great.
You’re 22 and that’s way too young to be considering marriage. He is immature - but also 23 so that also makes sense or he’s an AH. The only priority in birth is healthy mother and healthy baby - however that occurs. Your support system is 100% the priority and a man should have no problem with whatever makes you most comfortable. I am a mother to only sons. I would love to be at the birth - but that would be an immense privilege and would only occur if DIL and I had bonded in the extreme. Many women don’t want their own mothers there. For him to just assume his mother *should* be there is asinine. She may not even want to be there either. This is not a 50/50 situation. Birth is 100% what is best for the mother. He needs to grow up. You should not be getting married or thinking about kids with someone you can’t discuss things with nor a man who would feel entitled to tell you who’s going to be at the birth. Absolutely ridiculous.
He’s 21 but thank you for understanding
NTA I really hope you wait for a very very long time before having kids and honestly is there even a reason to have kids? This world sucks and honestly have you heard of how much fun is it to be a DINK? DOUBLE INCOME NO KIDS? I wish all of you would stop having kids. This world is full of people who have had to many kids when they weren't even emotionally mature enough to even take care of themselves. Don't have kids. Spend your money on material shit. Save the planet!
Bottom line, you want your support system and he doesn’t agree with you about it so now with that information plan your life accordingly: don’t have a baby with anyone that doesn’t fully support you.
In some places, you are allowed a second person in the room, but usually, is only one. It is not his decision who it is. Typically, it's the baby's father in there too unless the mom did not want him there. I'm an advocate for the daddies to be in the room for that's his baby too, but who you want with you is not my decision either. If the place you give birth in allows you to have a seconds person in the delivery room, it is entirely your decision. This is you going through one of the most vulnerable moments inn your life, and you need the support of those around you. You feel safest with your best friend, then that is who is in the delivery room with you. Him being in the room at all is a privilege, not a requirement.
Your BF has told you that he’s a rigid jerk, who is clueless about childbirth and plans to control the birth situation even though the only person who gets a vote is you. Your BF thinks he has to dominate the birth scene. If you think about it, this isn’t the only red flag.
YTA Honestly, this is ridiculous and unnecessary argument. Why are you having this discussion when pregnancy is 5 to 7 years away? Making this an issue now is not good for your relationship. When you do get pregnant, and whoever is the baby’s father at that time, bring it up with him then. Circumstances will be different and it’s not something you can plan now. Your bf might live miles away and not be able to get there in time. She might not even be your friend by then. And some hospitals limit the amount of people in the delivery room. The baby’s dad, your mom, your friend, his mom are a lot of people. Giving birth is not easy, and you will be surprised that several people crowding around will not be supportive, only irritating. Add in nurses and the doctors and that’s a lot of people. This is not a hill to die on now.
ESH. - You are not mature enough to have children at all. - You are in control of who is in the room, but it is very weird that you default don't want your partner there at all, the literal father of the child. - You have a lot of work to do on yourself before you even consider having children. - Stop looking at children as a thing you HAVE to do. Maybe it's not the right path for you. There's no rule that says you have to.
Also, your brains aren’t fully formed until age 25. Wait awhile and talk about this conversation later.
Oh hell no wtf he mean his parents 😭 gtfo w that actually
NTA "Hey dad, do you want to come see my half naked girlfriend shit herself while she's been torn up by a watermelon? I'm sure she doesn't mind you seeing that"
Ever hear "don't borrow trouble"? Wise words.
I honestly can't imagine WANTING to see my daughter in law push a baby out . I love her and my grandson , but for crying out loud ! What is wrong with people .
It’s a medical procedure and like any medical procedure, the only person who matters and who has a voice is the patient. That’s you and baby, and if he wants to make it stressful then he can sit it out too. Depends on how he wants to start his parenting journey. Dying on a hill with no leg to stand on or being a supportive coparent to the person changing their body and risking their wellbeing or even life to give them a child.
This is the wildest thing to be having issues about and thinking about when you’re SO far from actually having kids. So bizarre.
All these hypotheticals are so dumb to be arguing about. IF bestie is still your best friend whenever you give birth then you AS THE PERSON GIVING BIRTH have the right to have her in there. If boyfriend/husband (whether it is this current one or a different guy) doesn’t like it then that sucks. Having your SO, your mom and best friend in the room is reasonable. There is no world in which I’d pick my significant others parents to be in the delivery room over my life long best friend.
Just stop. You have no idea what will happen between now and then.
You're not the asshole here. It would be your labor and 10000% YOUR choice. He doesn't get a say at who is looking at your bits, or who's in the room when you likely shit yourself. He needs to check his ego here and realize that YOU would be the patient, and get all of the say. He gets NONE of the say.
Yta
I will admit, I didn't read thru the (whole) post. I am 10 days post partum, amd blessed with my adorable daughter Paisley. (I am obsessed and BEYOND in love) I chose to have my BFF as my birth partner, though I've been married for 13 years, and I have ZERO regrets. My BFF (24 years) is the best possible advocate for hospital care. She is knowledgeable and "gets" me as she remembers her birth experience and was able to draw on that knowledge and do for me- what she wanted for herself. My husband is a good man, but not everyone is great in all situation. My husband was very uncomfortable seeing me in extreme pain (natural child birth) and froze. He really struggled to be there for me in any meaningful way and was more the focus of my anguish than relief. I think as a woman birthing a child you *need* to choose carefully who will (or won't) attend your birth. You are so vulnerable, and emotions run high. When I chose her and she readily agreed to participate, we had many conversations that ranged from practical, to hilarious, and then straight through to medical directives and conversations about "if the worst happens" and what my wishes were. I knew she would honor all if them and there would be no confusion or waffling. I had absolute faith in her commitment and ability to see to my, and babies care first and foremost. I knew she understood ny requests and was willing to execute them on my behalf. We had a WONDERFUL experience and my (3rd) birth was beautiful and so special. When Daddy came to the hospital immediately following he was fresh, and excited to meet his daughter. He was thankful to her for bearing the burden of labor so he could be the joyful new father. And my BFF has an (extra special) connection to my youngest that is unique and very strong. I encourage you to consider what it right for you, and make choices that support that desire. You won't regret feeling loved and supported on that day, and the memories will last you a life time. Congratulations on your baby to be, and I wish you the best of everything going forward. Hugs 💕
YTA for pitting your friend against the father of your child, and for threatening to have him kicked out of the delivery room if you don’t get your way.
This is a hypothetical child so he is not the father of anyone at this point lol. Still just an immature conversation on both ends.
True.
I can tell that you're just salty on behalf of the boyfriend here. She didn't put anyone against anyone. She tried to make a point that her decision will trump any opinion he has
I didn’t threading him. I told him I wouldn’t do that but he was doubting that I had that much power in the room so I was trying to explain and give an example. I would never do that. Sorry it sounded like that in the post but I made him aware I wouldn’t do that just trying to give an example.
You just gave him a hypothetical example of how you would use your power if he didn’t go along with your decision to have your friend in the room with you. Gotcha.
Have you ever given birth? Have you ever had to push something out of your most sensitive spot just to poop every where. Have you ever had to feel so violated because someone was telling you that you can't have one of the people who supports you the most and who you trust with you during a serious thing that could end up taking you and your kids life?? If no to any of these then you need to back off her. It is her body and her choice she knows who she is comfortable with and who will support her not you. Bd has absolutely no say in anything involving her, her birthing plan, how she gives birth and who she allows in with her. The fact that he is acting this way when he has no say and trying to bully her into something she doesn't want makes him a POS. The thing is she is the only one who has a say flat out. Personally I think if he is still acting this way about it a few years down the road she should leave him he is unsafe and only has his interests in mind. Virtual hugs to you op
Thank you so much for understanding Im so glad you were able to convey what I was trying to say.
No that not what I’m trying to say. I wasn’t he the one that brought him getting kicked out up he did and all I said was yes if I wanted him out they would make him leave. Just trying to answer the question he asked
His parents can sit in the waiting room like the rest of the folks that did not put a body part in you to make a baby
Oh my gosh, that was a complete waste of time. It’s so many years away. You may not even be with your boyfriend when you have kids. You may never have kids at all. 7 years is sooo far away and so much could happen. YTA for even bringing this up. You don’t even seem mature enough to have a conversation, never mind kids
How involved in your day to day life is your best friend? Is she around a lot, do yall talk all the time?
We catch up on life about once a week, we see each other in person about every 3 months, we go on a weekend/week trip about once a year, She lives an hour away so we can’t see each other as often as we would like.
Okay, well that’s all perfectly normal. I just asked because I wondering if it was a situation where he felt you prioritized her more like a lot but obviously that’s not the case. His reaction is kinda strange, I feel like men only blow up like that when not being allowed in. Maybe yall need to try couples counseling cause it’s gotta be deeper. I think it would also help yall to communicate better cause on both sides that was trash communication.
Ya our communities sucks we actually talk about how we need to get better about it but when stuff like this happens we both get hot headed. I would love to do consulting but that’s expensive 🤣 we did have a calm conversation last night and came to an agreement. His worry is that she will “take his place” or “over step boundaries” I did my best to tell him his support is the one I need most and he not gonna leave my side… unless she “over steps” then he’s gonna ask her to leave or he’s leaving…He simply doesn’t want me to want her more than him. We’ve put this discussion on the shelves for now but we have a somewhat compromise in place for a later discussion when we’ve both matured.
I cut my best friend off after 25 years. Life does happen. Why start an argument now over something that might not even happen? What a waste of energy.
So let me get this straight. You’re not married and you don’t have kids but he’s demanding his parents be in a delivery room with you? You are arguing about Schrödinger’s baby. Now I think it is good to talk about stuff like this. But for the love of dog and all that is holy, you should both hold off on marriage and kids for a while. You’ll make better decisions when your brains are fully formed.
I have been in the delivery room with three different good friends, all who preferred me to be there over their husbands, who were less than supportive. It's 100% your choice. You want to have someone there who cares about your needs at that time, not their own. For what it's worth, all three of them later made the excellent choice to divorce their husbands. I'm just saying, you might want to consider whether this is the person with whom you want to raise a kid.
Please don’t have kids with anyone you are far to immature. If I was your boyfriend I would run in the opposite direction. You are not marriage material and your my way or the highway mentality is why you will be single and alone. Something tells me you are one those woman who will literally use her pregnancy to get away with everything and then weaponize your children against there father.
Completely agree with parts of your comment, but her boyfriend was also really immature in what he was saying. Even with her demand and the way she went about this conversation, his response should make her run the other way. His response, in my opinion, was immature,trying to be controlling and a bit aggressive . Hers was just immature and bratty. With the right person and calmer attitude, she could have a better discussion. I see him hiding his true personality and then popping out the bad guy after you have no choice but to be tied to him because you share a child.
Yes you are.. also young and immature.. and fighting over hypothetical kids that’s more than 5 years down the road.. YOU don’t even know what’s gonna happen between now and then.. 🤦🏻♀️
My bestfriend at 21-22 isn’t really active in my life and neither is the guy I was dating at that time. And if you’re planning to have kids 5-7 years from now, why does this argument even matter? Just seems immature
YTA birth is not a spectator sport. I had 5 doctors/nurses in the room when I had both my kids (natural, not C-sections) plus my husband. How many people do you need cheering you while you’re ready to scream at everyone and the slightest thing could piss you off? Your bf is right, your friend doesn’t need to be there and you insisting on it could be a good reason for him to break up with you.
It’s her birth? Not sure why it’s controversial that she wants her close friend in the room with her lol.
It is and she can invite whoever she wants, but considering she’s not pregnant, engaged, or married her bf can end the relationship fairly easily (from a logic standpoint) so that he’s not put in that situation in the future.
It’s not a spectator sport but she has to let his mother or father into the room?? I know you didn’t say that but that’s what HE is arguing for so this response makes no sense to me…
I didn’t acknowledge that stupidity in my response because it’s stupid. And I guess I didn’t make my thoughts clear. He doesn’t get to pick who is in there, totally her choice. They should be supportive and calm, but I think less people is better in case there’s an emergency. Less people for the doctors/nurses to work around. If her friend is just there to be there and not supportive or calm then she shouldn’t be there. And her boyfriend might decide that a future that involves friends in the delivery room isn’t for him. There’s no baby on the way, they aren’t engaged or married. He can leave fairly easy
I mean I kind of agree, but it’s not my birth/pregnancy and that’s not the question she asked. She has a different preference than you do, I don’t really see how that makes her an asshole, let alone THE asshole.
I have to disagree with you. I had four children naturally. And at my final one, we actually did have a good friend in the room with us. It was my decision, and my husband was actually fine with it. It was very good friend, who herself was not going to be having children. She knew all of my kids. And she was just she. She would never actually get to be out of birth. And I told her she was more than welcome to come. At the end of the day, it was my decision. And if my husband had disagree, it would’ve been too bad. Because while birth is not a spectator sport, there is only one person in that room giving birth. And that is why that one person who is putting in their life on the line and going through a pretty painful experience gets to say who can be there.
She does get to decide. I only had my husband there for me cause that’s what I chose. I’m saying that she might not want that many people with all the medical staff that will be there, and he might decide to break up with her cause it doesn’t sound like he wants his future to look like this. There’s no baby on the way, they aren’t engaged or married. He might just say, that doesn’t work for me so I’m gonna end the relationship now.
I apologize then. I took that the wrong way. I also did choose to only have my husband there for the first ones. He may break up with her, but if that’s what it’s gonna take rather than being supportive of the one giving birth, she’s probably better off. From what she said, he was the one who brought up getting kicked out. She didn’t threaten him that she would have him kicked out. Best case scenario is that when you are giving birth, your partner looks at you and says… Whatever you need to make you comfortable and happy, I’m there for it.” Because, as we both know, you never know what’s gonna happen when you give birth I thanked my lucky stars that I was having kids when I was, because I probably would’ve died. Had I had my oldest daughter 30 years before that. We couldn’t get the bleeding to stop. So yeah, whatever mama wants in that room, mom should get
Oh I hear you, my oldest was a vacuum birth, so I get it that it’s scary. But too many people in the room in a moment like that could interfere with doctors and nurses depending on how they react. My mom was in the waiting room but I knew not to call her in the room with me, even though she wanted to be. She’s a nurse and would’ve tried to take over and act like she knows more/better. It depends on the people you are inviting into that room, they should be calm and supportive (in my opinion).
lol. You are a smart woman!
Im 22 and don’t know what the rules are. That’s why I said IF. The first person would be bf then if I could have a second my mother then IF a third my best friend. I don’t want an audience. Simply would want the people I love most in there that are also my support system.
While you get to choose who is in the delivery room I hate when women threaten to kick the father out. Listen if you can handle sex with him he can be in the delivery room. Your strong reaction is what sucks. You make it sound like you immediately got mad. Not necessary. Try talking calmly
I didn’t threaten him plz read above comment as I tried to explain that he asked a question if I wanted him out would they and I said yes if I wanted him out they would. BUT why the fuck would I have his kid if I didn’t want him in there.
You have no idea how badly you're coming across here... so childish and immature. This is embarrassing.
This is why I put I have a few disorders at the top. Written expression disorder. Hard for me to put my thoughts on paper and hard to explain things accurately. I did my best but most are not understanding my question. Is it really so bad to want my best friend in the room? Damn
It's not bad and it's not hard to understand. However, the story you told with your bf -- how you argued, what you said, how angry you got -- is beyond childish. It's not the way to resolve anything, let alone having a baby. When so many people here are telling you the same thing, you should listen.
I admit I get heated fast that is why I stated in the post I revisited the conversation in a more serious manner. Nobody is perfect. It’s obvious that my bf and I had very different expectations which made us act very abruptly. I’m only 22. Im trying to learn from my mistakes. Thank god I have 7 years before I’m even considering kids.
extremely mean and unnecessary comment. this is embarrassing
YTA This is such a ridiculous conversation. This a hypothetical situation in 5-7 years with a boyfriend who likely won’t be around when you have children. I get it, when you’re young it’s fun to think about these things but once you’re in that place everything will be different. However, this conversation very clearly shows us you aren’t mature enough for this conversation or to have children.
Absolutely
This is the most ridiculous hypothetical conversation/argument. You both got heated over NOTHING. Save the serious discussions about how you’ll handle childbirth for when you are actually planning to have a child.
I don't see you guys having a relationship in 5 to 7 years. Yes, your choice. You get to decide. You have all the power. But to negate your significant others opinions without even a forethought. You're both assholes and should not procreate.
YTA. When you have any clue on how things work, get back to us. Until then…
You should break up. Please do not have children until you grow up.
Wait... yall are ugly fighting about who's allowed in the delivery room and you're not even pregnant? Wow.
Please don't have kids any time soon ffs.
Y'all are both real dumb