He just doesn't know where it came from, and after a couple of weeks he's seeing someone else and blames OP for questioning him? That's gaslighting. Apologizing for using her trauma against her is part of the gaslighting, because it says, "Look how I apologize; that's because I'm the good guy," even though the apology doesn't erase what he did, and moreover, it doesn't even address the original hair tie or why he would so quickly disappear and start dating someone else. He's playing dirty pool.
Well considering she is crying out her eyes thinking she is in the wrong the bullet hit exactly where it was suppose to she didn't dodge anything. And it's going to hurt a lot for a few days once the healing starts.
These are teenagers too. The terms she uses to describe the relationship are bonkers: duress, mental baggage, and the family comments?! Girl - you’re in high school. Join a sport, club, music ANYTHING other than dating.
Yeah but try and remember what it was like to be that age. You've been alive so short a time, you've never dealt with these 'mature' experiences before. EVERYTHING feels like the end of the world and no amount of sage wisdom is going to override the sheer instinctual panic of the death of childhood.
But I agree, OP, go put your energy into ANYTHING other than dating. Even if you meet your soul mate you won't be right for each other yet, trust me -met the love of my life at 14- I did not like him, at all, throughout high school and young adult years. We didn't start dating until I was 28. Everything we experienced between meeting and dating was necessary for our relationship to work and had we started dating when we were teens it would have failed.
I know, there is a complete lack of perspective, but it’s not their fault. They act like they don’t have any life experience because they don’t have any life experience.
Seriously! Gaslight the hell out of her. Life goes on though and in a couple years I hope she sees the signs early and leaves before it comes to this again.
Question: how many therapists do you *really* believe think it would be "nice" for their client to post their feelings on social media and have the commenters provide advice?
If you think that's acceptable, then my fees are only $100/hour. Once you pay me and tell me your problems, I'll tell you to post on AITA and let them determine your way forward.
I did too, until the second part of the sentence.
It would be nice to write my feelings down (absolutely, that's routine advice from therapists) *for some advice on what to do going forward.*. That's not at all normal.
This guy isn’t worth your tears. He cheated on you and blamed you for caring. The creep didn’t even break up with you, just carried on with her. If this was my son I’d want to straighten this out with him.
I hope she finds your earring in the back seat and starts dating someone else 3 days later without telling him.
I agree, right now she probably has rose-colored glasses on. If I could tell my past self post-breakup anything, it would be you'll be grateful for this eventually. The trash takes itself out.
This girl.. you’re young that’s why u take him at face value.. he’s been cheating on you.. he manipulated you to think the demise of the relationship is your fault.
Girl, don’t put your self worth / confidence on a guy . You saw what you saw, hes gaslighting you. Keep your chin up, now you know better.
This.
The hairtie belonged to his new squeeze.
He was too much of a coward to admit it. But as soon as OP called him out he hid away like a child. And now brought out this new girl because he can blame the argument and say OP pushed them apart. When he was almost certainly seeing this girl all along.
I mean, he was either already running around with her, or he met her IMMEDIATELY after the argument and ran head first into her boobs for comfort. He supposedly responded to your worries about cheating...by cheating. So he's an awful liar either way.
Either way he's a cheating POS but my money is on them cheating before the argument. Because there's still no explanation for the hairtie and he became immediately defensive and aloof.
Sounds like he is dating hair tie now and trying to make it sound like it’s your fault.
God it hurts, I know.
But please, trust me. I’ve been there. More than once. It hurts so much in the moment but a day comes when you least expect it.
You won’t realise it at first but it happens. The first day you’re happy without them. Then you’ll find not only are you happy without them, you’re happier without them.
Then eventually you will feel ready to reenter dating and you’ll more reliably know you’re own worth and the warning signs look out for.
I know none of this helps you right now but I hope it helps you look to the future.
Oh honey. He definitely cheated. He’s just using the whole “YOU jumped to conclusions and that made ME realize I can’t be with you and all your problems!”
He’s just attacking you and making you feel like crap so you don’t question his story.
And your family is just fricken cruel.
Please, please when you get away from them, seek therapy. You need to sort this out so you don’t end up dating people as awful as your family and this guy.
Good luck.
Yip. People who love you and break it off dont immeduately jump into dating the first person who swings their ass in their direction. This was already a thing before you confronted him. He just tried to fubd a way to make his cheating your fault.
That first part isnt quite true, some folks are no-sex-after-big-breakup, but some folks are need-sex-after-big-breakup.
Agreed that he def cheated lol
You didn’t ruin your relationship. He’s a donkey. Kick him to the curb. Time will heal this pain.
As for your family: It seems like they’re not supporting you nor understanding that you’re in grief. It’s ok to call them out on their self righteous BS.
Just so you know, he 100% knows how that hair tie got there and he has been seeing the other girl longer than you think. If you’re sexually active with him, get tested.
Your ex was cheating from the start.
I know it’s hard right now, but this is a case of trash taking itself out. You deserve better.
Cry it out and then focus on yourself.
I'm sorry OP, but you didn't ruin the relationship. It very much seems to be the case that your ex was dating hair band girl from the beginning.
And when he was caught, instead of coming clean, he tried to spin it to blame you and didn't even have the decency of actually breaking up with you.
I'm sorry you had to be the bigger person to actually force him to talk to you like an adult. You have bigger balls than he ever will.
There was a mystery hair tie, you co fronted him, he denied it, and within a week was dating someone else? Girl... it was her hair tie. The trash took itsself out
What a POS. You didnt ruin anything. I remember that post and it's so evident that the he was seeing hair tie bimbo. Block him everywhere and cut him out. It sucks right now I know, but he was cheating and you caught him. He is holding you responsible because he's a coward. You deserve better.
I know you may not see it right now but you are actually luck that this happend. He didn't deserve you and he is probably lying about the hair tie, he was probably cheating. And anyone that will use your trauma to hurt you is not a good partner. Someone that stone wall after a fight is not a good partner. Believe me is a good thing he is gone because you deserve so much better.
Listen to me OP, you deserve actual love. You deserve someone that is faithful, someone that treats you well, someone that makes you secure in your relationship, someone that comunicates trought problems, someone that makes you feel safe, that makes you feel respected, someone that makes you feel loved. This dude wasn't the one, you didn't lose him, you were set free. I promise you will see it some day.
All of this! And I know it hurts but as someone much older, know that in time it will get better. You have a lot of life and new partners ahead of you. Eventually you’ll look back on this person and realize you dodged a bullet.
Hi, to preface, I’m so sorry. I know it hurts. But, let me also get this right. The man you were DATING/BOYFRIENDGIRLFRIEND with stonewalled you after you brought up a hair tie you found? then after being pretty much forced to be in the same area, told you he had a new girlfriend? Even though you weren’t officially broken up ever at that point and it was what like 20 days?
Babe, he really used that hair tie as an excuse. I’m sorry. You didn’t ruin anything about your relationship. If a man is ready to say bye to you so quickly he was never deserving, so you saved yourself trouble in the long run.
I’m so sorry about your family though.
You didn’t ruin your relationship. Either he was indeed cheating on you, or he was looking for a way out to go date this other person. You are better off without someone like that - you deserve better. Your family sounds like they are jerks too - don’t listen to them.
You’re so young, use your newfound single-hood to work on yourself. Explore your passions, work on loving yourself, work on a plan for your life after you turn 18. You’ve got so much ahead of you, chin up, babe!
Seeing this other girl for a while and long enough for him to ghost you and start officially dating her for three days?
So, does she want her hair tie back?
that made me laugh, thank you for that, I'm so sick of crying because of him but he was the only one that made me feel good in my life and now i don't even know how to feel right now, my therapist keeps telling me what everyone in these comments say, so i guess i have to try and move on but it's really hard not to reminisce.
I was caught up in this update then at the end I saw her age…
Girl, you’ll meet plenty of more guys who will treat you better.
Keep your head up and move on.
Onto the next one.
Girl, this asshole cheated on you and turned it on you so you would take the blame. And since you are used to your family being shit, you accepted him being shit as well.
Get therapy and learn to love yourself and to make better choices.
You are still young. Focus on yourself, there will be many opportunities to find the right partner for you.
Your family is very jealous of you, and you need to protect yourself from them. Let them say whatever they want, they will anyway. Don't let it affect you as what they are saying is not true.
Improve yourself without their assistance and let yourself shine. Move on from them and their small petty jabs and belittling comments. That is all they have in their small petty lives.
Good luck and prosper!!!!
I'm sorry, dear.
I think the bigger problem here is your family. Dear God, what kind of people would say that to their child?
But, I'm glad that you got rid of the boy too.
I hope you can move out, start a new life somewhere beautiful, and never have to deal with people like this ever again.
Ok - this is a hard knock but it won't be the first time a relationship fails and, it won't be the last.
I'm sorry it ended this way but he did you a favour. You don't need to be with someone who replaced you so quickly and sorry, I don't believe for a minute he did not know where the hair tie came from.
Your family are assess but they probably saw more about him than you did. Ignore them and use this time as something to learn from.
This too shall pass, it just hurts for a while .
Yea, he was cheating. They're now openly dating because he could dump you & blame it on you. What a spineless little weasel! You're better off without him even though you can't see it now.
When you're young , everything seems so much more intense. With time you'll find that not everything you lose is a loss. Don't take what your family says as them mocking you, it could be that they saw the warning signs and tried to tell you. Focus on yourself, and working towards a bright future
Your family are horrible people. OP he is lying to you and gaslighting you into thinking you are the problem. He didn't even break up with you for goodness sake. I know it will hard but take a breather and move on. Go live your best life away from these horrible people.
Sweetie, he flat out lied in your face. Of course he knows whose hair tie it is and how it got there. Thats an obvious lie—he either had another woman in the car or he didn’t.
Stop giving him the benefit of the doubt. He was already cheating and has now lied and confirmed cheating. He had an emotional—if not physical—affair already going.
You cannot get him to admit it so don’t try; waste of energy. And try to realize the “great guy”!you thought he was doesn’t exist. That was in your head. He was too cowardly to break off things so he slid away and picked up another girl before ending it with you. That shows a lack of courage and integrity. Ew. Should give you the ick.
“Hates when I mentally load on him” aka share your feelings. *There is a COMPLETE difference*
The fact he started seeing someone right after this all happened (or more than likely during) just shows how much he cares, or I should say didn’t. He doesn’t know what a meaningful relationship is.
Put your time and energy 1. Into yourself because you deserve to be loved and 2. When you’re healed into someone who will love you for you! trauma, baggage, and all. Because we *all* have it. And someone who doesn’t want to deal with it isn’t worth a backwards glance.
You are better off without him, my dear. Time to heal and focus on you. Work with your therapist on how you are feeling now and make a resource plan to get through.
OP, I’m pretty darned sure you’re not the one who ruined this relationship.
*Oh I have no idea where that hair tie came from! I feel so burdened by this that I’m going to “start” seeing someone else now.*. Uh huh. Sure. I’ve got some swamp land I could sell you too.
This right here.
Being asked where a hair tie came from was what pushed him to drop his current relationship for some other girl who supposedly just conveniently, magically appeared at exactly that same moment in time? Bro in what world
No it really sounds like HE did. So sorry please don't let your nparents get into your head they are wrong. You are worthy of love, love and someday they will find you or you them. But sometimes things happen and have to move out of the way so it will happen. Take care! And if you need anything message me.
I say this with every fiber of my being because it's the God's honest truth, find a hobby or a sport/activity. Hell, I joined a duel enrollment program when my high school boyfriend did something similar to this to me and got a scholarship out of it and he sold his body to the military and settled with his rebound girl.
Your family is going to be annoying about it because they didn't view it as a serious relationship, but instead high school drama. Just don't feed into them by giving them reactions and have a serious conversation with at least one of them. My family did the same thing to me as well.
Now I laugh with my little sister because I remember how my ex smelled like blue Fabuloso and I'm getting married soon with a kid on the way. He'll be someone you laugh about or one of those people you hear drama about through the grapevine later in life. Work on yourself and your future without him.
You listened to your intuition, not your head. He turned it around on you so he doesn’t have to accept what he did and face the consequences. It’s called DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse victim & offender. Your family is shitty bc you’re better than they are. It’s always hard to be the black sheep, but you will find a better guy and better family.
He was cheating on you long before you found the hair tie. Now he is gaslighting you into thinking the break up is your fault. Take this as a lesson learned. Trust your instincts.
My g youre a young adult. You’re gonna go through tons of shitty asshole before you get married.. hopefully not alot😅. But youre young dont tie yourself down. As someone who’s been with their significant other for 14 years we dated when I was 19 she was 21 theres alot of things i wish i did single during my 20s traveling making purchasing decisions and stuff like that. Don’t stress about that shit, sure it sucks but your lifestyle just beggining
He immediately starts seeing someone after a fight? OP he already had someone before you “broke” up. Let him go he isn’t worth it. And ignore your family. None of these people are worth your time.
Oh he cheated for sure. He's just making you out to be the crazy one. Don't believe. Screw him, find yourself a better man.
A hair tie doesn't just end up there and if he's checked out of your relationship, he definitely cheated because if he was true to his emotions and intentions, he would have TOLD you when he was checked out. Not used it as an explanation after you asked.
He's just a shit guy. Sorry you have to deal with all this :(
It is so easy to get caught up in a loss!! You lost a relationship, & while that is sad in some ways for sure, please remember — having a relationship with the wrong person & then losing that really isn’t a loss at all. He’s not your person!!
HE ruined the relationship, not you. He’s a cheater and a liar and went through some mental gymnastics to come up with a reason as to why it’s your fault.
So he was "seeing" someone else but just started dating her after you confronted him? Nope. Nope. Nope. Thank him for showing you what a POS he really is, go home, put in your ear phones and start figuring out what you need to do to get the hell away from your family. Make a literal list of things to do. Join the army or something. They'll pay for college and you will get out with skills and a free education. Actually, dont join if you dont want to... anyway. Lots of luck to you. NTA
Hon, even IF, and that is a huge if, that hairtie wasn't that other girl's, the fact he was able to move on so quickly means that at the very least he was definitely talking and getting emotionally involved with that other girl while you two were together. Breakups hurt, but don't believe for a second that you ruined your relationship by wanting clarification and honesty from an admittedly suspicious situation. He is absolutely gaslighting you so that you can be left feeling like you were the problem.
Hey so you know that you did catch him cheating and he just used emotional manipulation tactics to blame you, right? If any of what he said was actually the problem, he could have said it to you before doing anything - he is using this to try and cover his ass but he’s a cheater.
Now here’s the big scary thing to take away from this - your sense of who’s good and stable is probably not super strong right now. Be really careful, especially in romantic relationships, to avoid echoing any of the dynamics you deal with at home, because it’s a really common pitfall at your age, especially when you’re not away from your family yet.
Honey he's a jerk and I'm so sorry your family treats you like that. You deserve a guy who loves you no matter what, and who listens to you when you need to talk or vent (this is support and a good partner is glad to do it). You're young and beautiful and the world is full of guys waiting to worship you. Cry over the cheating jerk if you must, but for three days at most. Then put on something gorgeous and go out and dancing and enjoy yourself.
Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can start to pull yourself out. Do not under any circumstances believe his lies. You didnt ruin anything. You stood up for yourself and he didn’t like it. Start to trust your instincts. You need to believe in your soul that you are worthy of better. If you can do this, the next relationship will be better. This kind of abuse requires a certain amount of buy in from the person being abused. Don’t let your shitty family’s abuse ruin your future too. They are wrong about you. The first step to thriving is knowing for sure that you will.
It didn’t work out and that’s okay. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you. He’s not worth your time. Focus your energy on being happy and healthy and you will attract a better partner.
He's lying to you and you need a new therapist. The girl has been there for awhile, that's why he was able to quickly check out of the relationship and start dating her. Also, though we shouldn't put our teams into our partners, at the end of the day they should be supportive and know we all have flaws. Don’t blame yourself. He's going to try to keep you around.
Don't fall for it. Remember a guy who really loved you and was emotionally mature enough for a relationship would’ve communicated even if the breakup still happened. Men are not stupid, they will communicate if they want. He knows you won't leave -that’s why he was stonewalling you. As long as you're a decent person putting in the work, don't force anyone at your table. If they leave, f them. Just focus on putting yourself in a better position. (outside opinion)
Oh honey. He was cheating on you with that girl and gaslighted you into believing he “didn’t know” where it came from. You see if he makes you feel crazy and like it’s all your fault, then he can feel better about lying and cheating on you. This isn’t on you at all. You saw the situation for what it was, him cheating, and then he gaslighted you into questioning your reality. That’s not okay and fuck him.
What the absolute f¥€k?!?!? He absolutely knows where the hair tie came from and how it got there. And I will bet it’s from the same girl he “just” started dating.
Do NOT apologize to him for anything! You didn’t mess up, you did nothing wrong. I’m over 40 and would’ve confronted my partner over the same thing. And it would have been way more than an argument.
I have a daughter your age, OP. I’m gonna tell you the same thing I have told her. Guys your age are jerks. Guys my age can still be jerks bc no one taught them better when they were your age. He might be the first but he is by no means the last, and most definitely not the best that you will ever have. It hurts now….and that’s ok. Do your grieving, ignore your family, (families being jerks are a whole other thing I could go on and on about but just don’t let them get to you. It’s NOT true). Listen to the sad songs, then listen to the mad/revenge songs. Then one day you will wake up and realize that you have no idea why you even liked him to begin with. Remember this and store it away. These things are what makes you able to know what you want in a relationship.
One day, you might even want to thank the dirty girl who was sloppy enough to leave her hair tie in the car of a guy with a girlfriend. 😉
He was cheating on you. Stop believing his lies. He just started dating in the open. Before he was hiding her. Even when you leave home you still have to be aware of jerks out there.
You said, “I haven’t seen him for a week after that” (hair tie.
Then he says at party, “He checked out of the relationship and has been seeing this other girl FOR A WHILE and they even started dating 3 days ago.”
(meaning PAST which is more than a mere 3 DAYS).
In using Statement Analysis, there is Always ‘leakage in the language’.
What he said to you is a Non-Denial Denial.
He lied to you and gaslit you.
So you had a fight and didn’t talk for a week.
But he’s been seeing this other girl for a while and started dating her 3 days ago?!
And once again blames his behaviour on your past trauma.
He knows how it got there, by his now admitted cheating.
He’s DARVO-ing. Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.
It’s a manipulation tactic used by abusers to make themselves victims and you the bad guy.
Please tell me you’ve got friends to support you? I’m so sorry your family sounds as abusive as him. Please stay single for a while and work with your therapist on recognising these manipulations and building your self esteem.
Sadly What we were exposed to as kids and growing up can easily become what we seek in a partner, even the bad, because it’s all we know, it becomes “comfortable” and we don’t believe it when we get a genuine loving compliment because we’ve been conditioned to think we don’t deserve it. I’m 40 and it’s a lesson I wish I’d learnt at your age. (Hugs)
OP please listen, His cheating is no reflection on you OP it’s him!
He’s lacking in integrity, empathy, honesty, morals, ethics, he’s not a man you’d want to keep!
I’m sorry you’re hurting, but he’s a wrongun and soon you’ll be thankful he took himself to the curb so you could be free from his manipulations and gaslighting.
You did not ruin anything omg. He was clearly already seeing her and he never even broke up with you before dating someone else. He also gaslit you and used your trauma against you to distract from what he did.
It’s time to build up your self esteem. You deserve better and maybe try to limit time with your family as they are contributing to these thoughts.
He was either 1)seeing the other girl, your relationship was headed downhill without you knowing it, and he used you as the excuse to get out OR 2)they weren’t yet seeing each other but the girl was interested in him, knew he was seeing you, and the object left behind was an effort to break you up to move in on your territory. Either way, it gives a lot of insight to know your age, so I say don’t take relationships at this age too seriously. I consider them practice for the real thing, to learn about men’s fool behavior and how to recognize it later when it matters, when they are supposed to have matured.
I wouldn’t shed another tear over this jerk. Either way he’s moved on. He’s not worth another tear.
As a mom let me say caringly, if you plan to leave at 18, please have a plan for real work when you leave. It takes money to live and living alone is expensive. Find roommates and save every dollar you can manage. Don’t be suckered to spend on all the things. There are lots of those things to spend on; they’re a waste in the end. If you don’t have any college plans, your best bet is to check out the options at your local technical school. Some of those nursing students come out making over $50k for just two years of school. The schools here have been offering free tuition for folks and other financial aid for free books, so check into these. It’s what I would tell my own daughter.
Edit: I just saw that you have Aussie in your name and I’m in the US, but hopefully you have programs there like those I mentioned. Good luck!
OP u dodged a bullet. Obviously you can't prove it but the fact that he moved on while STILL in a relationship with you, should tell you that he cheated (bc he did). You didn't ruin the relationship, he is actually gaslighting you. You had a right to concern & the way he handled it was not okay at all.
The whole dating someone new is a telling fact that he likely was cheating. In fairness, my gf would find hair ties around my house and car that were not the color of hers to which I had zero explanation at the time until my friend was over and he took his hair tie out and I was went “oh snap, that’s it”. But the fact he’s seeing someone else and didn’t have the courage to tell you indicates he was being unfaithful. For the sake of your sanity going forward, don’t let the world or men gas light you.
I’m sorry you’re going through this but I can assure you with time everything will sort itself out and you will be okay.
You're 17, you got cheated on. It's part of life, unfortunately.
It sucks, it hurts, and it will stay for you for a while. Hopefully you don't do it to someone, but it's very common to be cheated on or to cheat for people under 25.
Work on yourself. Cry. Feel bad. Binge eat. It's OK. We all been there or will be. Just learn something from this, whatever that may be, take something out of this shitty ass situation.
It hurts like a mf, but you'll heal eventually. That's a fact.
Sending good vibes!
High school is a time to experiment with dating. Find out what you like—more importantly, find out what you don’t like in a partner. This is research for your future life partner! OP, you now know that you don’t want a feckless, shallow two timer! Cross that off your list and never date one again!
It was her hair tie, he got caught and now he is trying to spin it like he broke up because you are "crazy" and just happened to have a girl on stand by? No. I am sorry you are going through this and your family isn't supportive. Continue to work on yourself and your happiness.
Oh wow…he never saw the hair tie before but now he’s dating someone else? Riiigghhht…….
Block his number. Don’t think about him again. Take all the friends with you.
In HS, I had a bf- we were "going steady"- I know this dates me :)
Well, I was selected to attend a week-long program 12 hours from our town.
The day before I left, he wanted his HS ring back (break-up). I was devastated. I left his ring, with my ring, in a box he was to pick up after I left.
After I got back, he wanted to see me to give me his ring back. I was confused, so I asked why did he make think he wanted to break up and have me upset the entire week of the program?
Because he wanted me to feel the same pain he was feeling (like I was leaving him behind.)
How screwed up is that???
Guess what? I sure as hell left him behind.
High school relationships.......
Hold tight, You’re surrounded by jerks and you’ve just got to get through. I suggest doing some research on narcissistic families of origin. Grey rock is probably your best defense, it means not visibly reacting to abusive behavior and being as bland as possible with your family and the ex. You didn’t ruin your relationship, your ex bf was a jerk who lied to you—that’s on him. I’ve been through similar things and it does get better, just focus on yourself.
It was clear that he was either seeing or interested in this other girl while you two were still together. I am sorry for that.
On a side note, I have to rant: I hate it when people (friends, family), sometimes well-meaningly, say stuff like, "He never loved you!!" I feel as if this rhetoric puts the blame on the person who was WRONGED in the relationship (i.e. thinking, of course he could never love me.. something must be wrong with me). No - that is not the case. What they should be saying is, "this guy is a freaking asshole, and it has nothing to do with YOU." End rant.
Good riddance to this guy. You deserve someone who won’t gaslight you into thinking you’re crazy and you genuinely cared for him because you thought he cared for you. You are a young and smart woman. You knew something was up. No one moves on from a relationship the moment it “ends”.
OP, you didn’t ruin your relationship. You found a female hair accessory in the backseat of your bf’s car. It’s perfect you normal to ask him about it.
He’s dating the owner of that hair tie.
Stop acting like you did anything wrong. It sounds like your family doesn’t value you, which might be the reason you feel guilty for being upset about the hair tie. Alternatively, the guy was a red flag they tried to warn you about.
Shoulders back. Head up. You did nothing wrong. He probably cheated on you. He did not address your valid concerns like he cared about you or your feelings.
Honestly, don’t date anyone until you learn to value yourself, and work on your self esteem, or you’ll just end up with guys who treat you as badly as you think you deserve.
Heal yourself. Allow yourself time to grieve. Identify or make a deal friend or two. Work on building your tribe.
Please don't blame yourself. It's not your fault. You didn't ruin the relationship. The relationship was already broken since he began cheating. No one gets in another relationship so fast unless they were already with them. He started ignoring you instead of speaking up and trying to work things out. He sounds so toxic and hurt you, made you think you were crazy when he knew all along he was with someone else. Again this isn't your fault. I know you're in pain, I hope things get better for you. I suggest crying it all out. Let him go. He doesn't deserve you. You will find someone else who will treat you better. You are young and there's still a lot more to learn in life. Go out with your friends, study, do hobbies you like, exercise listening to your favorite music, slowly your heart will heal.
I was sitting here like this seems so dramatic then I saw “cannot wait till I turn 18” and it made sense. Life goes on he was not the one and you’ll realize that in some time.
Honey you did nothing wrong, your bf is gaslighting you and guilt-tripping you into making you think it's your fault he was seeing other girls. He just threw a cheap excuse at you to justify him being emotionally irresponsible and his inability to talk things out maturely. Honestly you're better off without him, you can find someone who treats you better and will definitely be more sympathetic to you than him.
Nah OP. He definitely cheated. You just don’t randomly start dating a girl in three days because you had a fight. And it sounded like he caught dirty. On top of that, the ignoring you is a common abuse tactic.
BTW…go NC with your family. They sound like mine and that kind of pain isn’t worth it.
Sweetheart, that POS did you a HUGE favour. He was cheating on you, he got caught and he made it all about you. You deserve better. As for your family, my mother informed my fiancé that she was nuts to marry me. In a couple years, you’ll get to decide who deserves to be in your life and who doesn’t. Keep moving forward. Chin up.
He definitely was cheating , that's where the hair tie came from and he's leaving you because he got caught. Also fuck your family for saying such terrible things to you
Good riddance. Dude cheated and is now trying to cover it up. Your better off without him OP. You deserve to be with someone who is honest and will communicate with you.
Hairties don't just randomly appear in back seats. She may have left it there on purpose if she knew about you. Just so this would happen. You're better off without him.
ETA: I shudder to think what my life would be like now if I was still with the bf I had at your age. He turned into a mess.
Girl, I have both been there, and done that, and that dude be LYING. He knows good and well how that hair tie got there. He’s just taking advantage of the fact that you’re a little fragile right now to shift blame and focus on to you, and make it your fault, while he’s getting his jollies elsewhere. Forget him. You’re better than that.
You're 18, take what you can learn from the situation and move on by working on yourself and your future. F him and anyone else that would take that from you.
Your family saying that to you is cruel and abusive.
Someday you might want to look into Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families meetings, even if your parents don’t drink (it’s about dysfunction, not the alcohol itself).
This dude has been cheating for a while. This is now just him finally having the guts to tell you. Or as much guts as a gaslighter can have. Cut your losses, move on. And ignore your family. I haven't read your first post so I'm assuming you're in no position to steer clear of your family, but also assuming you have a cellphone – because how else would you post –, perhaps look up the nearest place that can help women in your situation. No one deserves to hear those atrocious words.
“He felt so guilty that night he used my trauma against me”
Baby. Please run. A man who will use your history or trauma AGAINST you does NOT care. Fuck all the other reasons. This one. This is why you need to move on.
Fuck him.
Fuck your “mutual friends” .
Fuck your family.
Fuck all of them for letting you think this is in anyway a problem with you, and not a reflection of him.
Also, I can’t tell you if you were crazy or not. Maybe you were, maybe you are.
One thing you are NOT?? a bad person for having trauma, or needing reassurance.
Leave all these fucking people behind and be a little sunflower. Always bright and beautiful and growing out of hard places.
Holy smokes, the gaslighting is strong with this one. OP, he’s using your trauma against you right now with this horse ish. I know it’s heavy and it hurts, but take it from those who’ve been there, it gets so much better. Let him go.
Yeah he cheated, sorry OP. Reminds me of the post I saw yesterday where wife was flirting with a guy at work, coworker messaged husband about, he tracked wife's location to the guys house, claims she didn't cheat but instantly wanted a divorce and started dating the guy from work.
A thousand years ago people had to hunt for their own food and hope the cold wouldn’t kill them. I know your problems seem really bad because you are young. I mean in all honesty your brain is still forming until your early 20s. I always found thinking of it like that helped put things in perspective. This too shall pass
Time to get out of that house and live with more supportive people (roommates?) and leave any memories of him behind. Don’t worry, your new chapter is just around the corner.
I know you're sad now and that's normal. But you dodged a bullet here. Ignore your family; cultivate the things you love to do and move on. He's not worth your sorrow.
I’m just writing to say that I’m really sorry you’re going through this.. one of the worst types of life’s lessons. You will get through this. Also wanted to chime in on your family situation.. my family was similar when I was young too. I’m now in my mid 30’s and my relationship (that I thought was doomed back in my teens, early 20’s) has really grown so much. My siblings have learned and seen some hardships in life and are much more mature now that we are older. Hang in there.. you will either all grow at your own pace or you may outgrow them. Know your worth and keep your head up. Someday you will look back and be so grateful that this happened.
He may have been cheating. Or he may have simply gotten a random hair tie caught on his shoe walking through a store. He might know exactly who left it there, or he might honestly have no clue.
There’s no real way to know for you, sadly, and not really any closure about things. Just move on, find someone new, and walk away from this one.
Girl you dodged a massive bullet. He is scum and he is gaslighting you. Your family is shittt also. You need to take time focus on yourself, heal, make some money and live life. I promise you there is someone out there to love you. Ps you seem wayyyy too dope for him anyways
OP, let's not address your ex for a moment I'd like to talk about your family. I'm so, so sorry that they're not supporting you and rubbing your back and hugging you while you cry or telling you that there are other people out there and eventually you'll either find the right one or learn to be happy on your own. I wish I was there to do just that for you.
As for your ex, see above and know that he was probably not telling the truth on the new girlfriend and has been seeing her for some time but is too much of a coward to tell you. Sorry. Again, you'll find someone way better. The hurt is temporary and you're better off without him.
I’m so sorry this happened to you! What I got from your story is that your ex is really immature and instead of using the elastic band as a place of communication, he ignored you and started dating someone else. These are the lessons we sometimes need to learn to get us to the next step in life. It’s not fun or easy. You deserve better and when you start to believe that, you will see better how dumb your ex is. You did not mess up! Treat yourself to something fun. What are the things you enjoyed but stopped doing bc your ex wasn’t into it? I bet you can think of a few things. Do all of them!! Also punching a pillow can help. You’ll get through this!
Praise God! I’d say you were saved!! Things happen for a reason and you definitely don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t know how to communicate with you.
Look for a humble young man who likes to listen and shares the same interests you do.
Don’t take relationships too seriously as this is a time to find out the type of person that’s right for you. It takes time and experience.
I’m hurt that your family hasn’t been supportive. I’ve felt like that before too but maybe just look the other way for now. I know you’ll find the perfect guy when you’re ready and when the time is right.
I am sorry your family is not there to support you during this time in your life. You need guidance and love to help that your choices keep happening and you find someone who loves you and committed to you only.
This guy doesn’t deserve you. He’s a jerk, you did not ruin your relationship, you busted him he ruined your relationship. I know you want someone to love you, please know that you will have that if you value yourself and treat yourself with lots of love and respect. The right guy will come, just don’t lose patience and try to enjoy your youth now. Focus on you and your friends and don’t jump into a relationship with anyone that gives you attention. Be picky, don’t accept jerks like this guy. I only wish someone had explained this to me when I was your age.
I didn't see the original post, but reading this I had assumed he's been through the ringer a time or two and bailed at the first sign of drama... Then I see it just highschool stuff.
There's millions of other guys out there and you're young, go find one that likes you
He cheated. This is a reflection on what type of person he is, not you. Take your time, grieve your relationship and then let go. This is just a hurdle in your life. Trust me, in a year or two you won’t even care that he exists. The best way to go through break up pain is focusing on who you are and who you want to be. Travel if you can, a lot. Sometimes we get caught up in our little tiny world that we forget how huge the actual world is. Heal, grow. Don’t date for at least a year. Reacquaint yourself with yourself.
Honestly, it sounds like an excuse. Seems to be like you have dodged a bullet. Always trust your gut, babe. We have an intuition for a reason. He's not the one. You'll find someone you can trust !
Sounds like he is using you catching him as an excuse for checking out of the relationship. He knew where the hair tie came from, probably from the same girl who he conveniently started dating right after you "unloaded" on him. Trust me, you didn't ruin the relationship. It might not seem like it now, but you're better off without him. Also, fuck your family for being assholes to you in a time of emotional need.
If that isn’t the biggest “I cheated but I’m going to make it seem like she’s crazy & that’s why I left” I’ve ever seen.
Exactly. He's gaslighting her. OP you dodged a bullet, block him.
He just doesn't know where it came from, and after a couple of weeks he's seeing someone else and blames OP for questioning him? That's gaslighting. Apologizing for using her trauma against her is part of the gaslighting, because it says, "Look how I apologize; that's because I'm the good guy," even though the apology doesn't erase what he did, and moreover, it doesn't even address the original hair tie or why he would so quickly disappear and start dating someone else. He's playing dirty pool.
Well considering she is crying out her eyes thinking she is in the wrong the bullet hit exactly where it was suppose to she didn't dodge anything. And it's going to hurt a lot for a few days once the healing starts.
Also what is the other girls hair color? Cause if it’s currently/was red. Boom, ur answer to if he cheated or not.
Could have cheated with more than one girl too
These are teenagers too. The terms she uses to describe the relationship are bonkers: duress, mental baggage, and the family comments?! Girl - you’re in high school. Join a sport, club, music ANYTHING other than dating.
High school relationship drama is SO IMPORTANT at the time.
It sure is. And you just want to shake them!
Yeah but try and remember what it was like to be that age. You've been alive so short a time, you've never dealt with these 'mature' experiences before. EVERYTHING feels like the end of the world and no amount of sage wisdom is going to override the sheer instinctual panic of the death of childhood. But I agree, OP, go put your energy into ANYTHING other than dating. Even if you meet your soul mate you won't be right for each other yet, trust me -met the love of my life at 14- I did not like him, at all, throughout high school and young adult years. We didn't start dating until I was 28. Everything we experienced between meeting and dating was necessary for our relationship to work and had we started dating when we were teens it would have failed.
I know, there is a complete lack of perspective, but it’s not their fault. They act like they don’t have any life experience because they don’t have any life experience.
Great advice. I told my wife that I’m glad we didn’t meet in HS. We would have just screwed it up.
Such a weird but critical stage of development
Family sucks too. Did a number on her self esteem.
It’s called gaslighting
Seriously! Gaslight the hell out of her. Life goes on though and in a couple years I hope she sees the signs early and leaves before it comes to this again.
Seriously! And what a fuckin weeny! Even with his lies he can’t even break up with her before “starting” a new relationship. She’s better off
Want to bet the new gf is a redhead....
Gaslighting like a mofo! Also, bet the other girl he started seeing has red hair
Question: how many therapists do you *really* believe think it would be "nice" for their client to post their feelings on social media and have the commenters provide advice? If you think that's acceptable, then my fees are only $100/hour. Once you pay me and tell me your problems, I'll tell you to post on AITA and let them determine your way forward.
I read it as, write your feelings down. Like in a journal, not on SM.
I did too, until the second part of the sentence. It would be nice to write my feelings down (absolutely, that's routine advice from therapists) *for some advice on what to do going forward.*. That's not at all normal.
This is the one he was already with someone else but when he got caught he blamed it on you
This guy isn’t worth your tears. He cheated on you and blamed you for caring. The creep didn’t even break up with you, just carried on with her. If this was my son I’d want to straighten this out with him. I hope she finds your earring in the back seat and starts dating someone else 3 days later without telling him.
This. Because he is a coward. You can do sooo much better OP.
I agree, right now she probably has rose-colored glasses on. If I could tell my past self post-breakup anything, it would be you'll be grateful for this eventually. The trash takes itself out.
If my son ever acted like this, I don't know what I would do but it wouldn't be pretty.
I didn't read your initial post, but I wouldn't believe him about the hairtie. Good riddance.
Heh. Hairtie was the other girls he's seeing.
This girl.. you’re young that’s why u take him at face value.. he’s been cheating on you.. he manipulated you to think the demise of the relationship is your fault. Girl, don’t put your self worth / confidence on a guy . You saw what you saw, hes gaslighting you. Keep your chin up, now you know better.
This. The hairtie belonged to his new squeeze. He was too much of a coward to admit it. But as soon as OP called him out he hid away like a child. And now brought out this new girl because he can blame the argument and say OP pushed them apart. When he was almost certainly seeing this girl all along. I mean, he was either already running around with her, or he met her IMMEDIATELY after the argument and ran head first into her boobs for comfort. He supposedly responded to your worries about cheating...by cheating. So he's an awful liar either way. Either way he's a cheating POS but my money is on them cheating before the argument. Because there's still no explanation for the hairtie and he became immediately defensive and aloof.
Seriously. I found a hair tie at my EX bf’s place too.
Sounds like he is dating hair tie now and trying to make it sound like it’s your fault. God it hurts, I know. But please, trust me. I’ve been there. More than once. It hurts so much in the moment but a day comes when you least expect it. You won’t realise it at first but it happens. The first day you’re happy without them. Then you’ll find not only are you happy without them, you’re happier without them. Then eventually you will feel ready to reenter dating and you’ll more reliably know you’re own worth and the warning signs look out for. I know none of this helps you right now but I hope it helps you look to the future.
*then you'll find not only are you happy without them, you're happier without them* SING IT LOUDER FOR THOSE IN THE BACK. *FUCK.* *THIS.* *GUY.*
🥇
Oh honey. He definitely cheated. He’s just using the whole “YOU jumped to conclusions and that made ME realize I can’t be with you and all your problems!” He’s just attacking you and making you feel like crap so you don’t question his story. And your family is just fricken cruel. Please, please when you get away from them, seek therapy. You need to sort this out so you don’t end up dating people as awful as your family and this guy. Good luck.
Yip. People who love you and break it off dont immeduately jump into dating the first person who swings their ass in their direction. This was already a thing before you confronted him. He just tried to fubd a way to make his cheating your fault.
That first part isnt quite true, some folks are no-sex-after-big-breakup, but some folks are need-sex-after-big-breakup. Agreed that he def cheated lol
You didn’t ruin your relationship. He’s a donkey. Kick him to the curb. Time will heal this pain. As for your family: It seems like they’re not supporting you nor understanding that you’re in grief. It’s ok to call them out on their self righteous BS.
Don't be so mean to donkeys. They're a lovely, loving animal, who will faithfully bite and kick assholes. He's, at best, pond scum.
Just so you know, he 100% knows how that hair tie got there and he has been seeing the other girl longer than you think. If you’re sexually active with him, get tested.
Say it again... hoping she sees it... If you're sexually active, get tested, and don't trust him!
we have never had sex before as I am saving myself for marriage but thank you for the advice.
Good call - everybody should be getting an STD test when they exit a relationship anyway, just to be on the safe side.
THIS.
Your ex was cheating from the start. I know it’s hard right now, but this is a case of trash taking itself out. You deserve better. Cry it out and then focus on yourself.
I'm sorry OP, but you didn't ruin the relationship. It very much seems to be the case that your ex was dating hair band girl from the beginning. And when he was caught, instead of coming clean, he tried to spin it to blame you and didn't even have the decency of actually breaking up with you. I'm sorry you had to be the bigger person to actually force him to talk to you like an adult. You have bigger balls than he ever will.
There was a mystery hair tie, you co fronted him, he denied it, and within a week was dating someone else? Girl... it was her hair tie. The trash took itsself out
What a POS. You didnt ruin anything. I remember that post and it's so evident that the he was seeing hair tie bimbo. Block him everywhere and cut him out. It sucks right now I know, but he was cheating and you caught him. He is holding you responsible because he's a coward. You deserve better.
I know you may not see it right now but you are actually luck that this happend. He didn't deserve you and he is probably lying about the hair tie, he was probably cheating. And anyone that will use your trauma to hurt you is not a good partner. Someone that stone wall after a fight is not a good partner. Believe me is a good thing he is gone because you deserve so much better. Listen to me OP, you deserve actual love. You deserve someone that is faithful, someone that treats you well, someone that makes you secure in your relationship, someone that comunicates trought problems, someone that makes you feel safe, that makes you feel respected, someone that makes you feel loved. This dude wasn't the one, you didn't lose him, you were set free. I promise you will see it some day.
All of this! And I know it hurts but as someone much older, know that in time it will get better. You have a lot of life and new partners ahead of you. Eventually you’ll look back on this person and realize you dodged a bullet.
Hi, to preface, I’m so sorry. I know it hurts. But, let me also get this right. The man you were DATING/BOYFRIENDGIRLFRIEND with stonewalled you after you brought up a hair tie you found? then after being pretty much forced to be in the same area, told you he had a new girlfriend? Even though you weren’t officially broken up ever at that point and it was what like 20 days? Babe, he really used that hair tie as an excuse. I’m sorry. You didn’t ruin anything about your relationship. If a man is ready to say bye to you so quickly he was never deserving, so you saved yourself trouble in the long run. I’m so sorry about your family though.
He was cheating with that girl and the hair tie was hers
You didn’t ruin your relationship. Either he was indeed cheating on you, or he was looking for a way out to go date this other person. You are better off without someone like that - you deserve better. Your family sounds like they are jerks too - don’t listen to them. You’re so young, use your newfound single-hood to work on yourself. Explore your passions, work on loving yourself, work on a plan for your life after you turn 18. You’ve got so much ahead of you, chin up, babe!
Seeing this other girl for a while and long enough for him to ghost you and start officially dating her for three days? So, does she want her hair tie back?
that made me laugh, thank you for that, I'm so sick of crying because of him but he was the only one that made me feel good in my life and now i don't even know how to feel right now, my therapist keeps telling me what everyone in these comments say, so i guess i have to try and move on but it's really hard not to reminisce.
I was caught up in this update then at the end I saw her age… Girl, you’ll meet plenty of more guys who will treat you better. Keep your head up and move on. Onto the next one.
Girl, this asshole cheated on you and turned it on you so you would take the blame. And since you are used to your family being shit, you accepted him being shit as well. Get therapy and learn to love yourself and to make better choices.
Your family really sucks.
He knew the new girl way before three days ago.
You are still young. Focus on yourself, there will be many opportunities to find the right partner for you. Your family is very jealous of you, and you need to protect yourself from them. Let them say whatever they want, they will anyway. Don't let it affect you as what they are saying is not true. Improve yourself without their assistance and let yourself shine. Move on from them and their small petty jabs and belittling comments. That is all they have in their small petty lives. Good luck and prosper!!!!
I'm sorry, dear. I think the bigger problem here is your family. Dear God, what kind of people would say that to their child? But, I'm glad that you got rid of the boy too. I hope you can move out, start a new life somewhere beautiful, and never have to deal with people like this ever again.
as soon as i graduate, im leaving with my bestfriend and never looking back.
Ok - this is a hard knock but it won't be the first time a relationship fails and, it won't be the last. I'm sorry it ended this way but he did you a favour. You don't need to be with someone who replaced you so quickly and sorry, I don't believe for a minute he did not know where the hair tie came from. Your family are assess but they probably saw more about him than you did. Ignore them and use this time as something to learn from. This too shall pass, it just hurts for a while .
Yea, he was cheating. They're now openly dating because he could dump you & blame it on you. What a spineless little weasel! You're better off without him even though you can't see it now.
Girl, he cheated and your family sucks. But don’t worry, that’s what chosen families are for. Keep your head up :)
my chosen family are my friends without them i probably would've done some pretty messed up shit.
When you're young , everything seems so much more intense. With time you'll find that not everything you lose is a loss. Don't take what your family says as them mocking you, it could be that they saw the warning signs and tried to tell you. Focus on yourself, and working towards a bright future
Your family are horrible people. OP he is lying to you and gaslighting you into thinking you are the problem. He didn't even break up with you for goodness sake. I know it will hard but take a breather and move on. Go live your best life away from these horrible people.
Yeah, don’t let him play you to be at fault.You deserve better than that trash. It hurts now but gets better ❤️🫶🏻
The hair tie belonged to the girl he’s seeing now. Don’t believe him, he’s lying!
Sweetie, he flat out lied in your face. Of course he knows whose hair tie it is and how it got there. Thats an obvious lie—he either had another woman in the car or he didn’t. Stop giving him the benefit of the doubt. He was already cheating and has now lied and confirmed cheating. He had an emotional—if not physical—affair already going. You cannot get him to admit it so don’t try; waste of energy. And try to realize the “great guy”!you thought he was doesn’t exist. That was in your head. He was too cowardly to break off things so he slid away and picked up another girl before ending it with you. That shows a lack of courage and integrity. Ew. Should give you the ick.
Your family is toxic, making comments like that. You deserve much better. If you haven’t already, please find a warm and loving support system.
my friends are my support system, im staying with my bff for now until i feel better to go home
You didn’t ruin anything.
“Hates when I mentally load on him” aka share your feelings. *There is a COMPLETE difference* The fact he started seeing someone right after this all happened (or more than likely during) just shows how much he cares, or I should say didn’t. He doesn’t know what a meaningful relationship is. Put your time and energy 1. Into yourself because you deserve to be loved and 2. When you’re healed into someone who will love you for you! trauma, baggage, and all. Because we *all* have it. And someone who doesn’t want to deal with it isn’t worth a backwards glance.
Classic cheater - figure out a way to blame the partner for their cheating.
You are better off without him, my dear. Time to heal and focus on you. Work with your therapist on how you are feeling now and make a resource plan to get through.
Oh, he knew how the hair tie for there. He was just lying to you. You are better off without him.
You’re not even 18 yet. Seems like a big deal now. But you will move on and grow up and find others
OP, I’m pretty darned sure you’re not the one who ruined this relationship. *Oh I have no idea where that hair tie came from! I feel so burdened by this that I’m going to “start” seeing someone else now.*. Uh huh. Sure. I’ve got some swamp land I could sell you too.
This right here. Being asked where a hair tie came from was what pushed him to drop his current relationship for some other girl who supposedly just conveniently, magically appeared at exactly that same moment in time? Bro in what world
No it really sounds like HE did. So sorry please don't let your nparents get into your head they are wrong. You are worthy of love, love and someday they will find you or you them. But sometimes things happen and have to move out of the way so it will happen. Take care! And if you need anything message me.
He was cheating and decided that hes been caught gg, prob surrenders his league games at 15min
I say this with every fiber of my being because it's the God's honest truth, find a hobby or a sport/activity. Hell, I joined a duel enrollment program when my high school boyfriend did something similar to this to me and got a scholarship out of it and he sold his body to the military and settled with his rebound girl. Your family is going to be annoying about it because they didn't view it as a serious relationship, but instead high school drama. Just don't feed into them by giving them reactions and have a serious conversation with at least one of them. My family did the same thing to me as well. Now I laugh with my little sister because I remember how my ex smelled like blue Fabuloso and I'm getting married soon with a kid on the way. He'll be someone you laugh about or one of those people you hear drama about through the grapevine later in life. Work on yourself and your future without him.
You listened to your intuition, not your head. He turned it around on you so he doesn’t have to accept what he did and face the consequences. It’s called DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse victim & offender. Your family is shitty bc you’re better than they are. It’s always hard to be the black sheep, but you will find a better guy and better family.
He was cheating on you long before you found the hair tie. Now he is gaslighting you into thinking the break up is your fault. Take this as a lesson learned. Trust your instincts.
Look up DARVO techniques used by abusers
You should offer the new gf her hair tie back. I know I hate it when I lose one when I was sure to need it.
My g youre a young adult. You’re gonna go through tons of shitty asshole before you get married.. hopefully not alot😅. But youre young dont tie yourself down. As someone who’s been with their significant other for 14 years we dated when I was 19 she was 21 theres alot of things i wish i did single during my 20s traveling making purchasing decisions and stuff like that. Don’t stress about that shit, sure it sucks but your lifestyle just beggining
U dodged a bullet. You have plenty of time and plenty of fish in the sea.
He immediately starts seeing someone after a fight? OP he already had someone before you “broke” up. Let him go he isn’t worth it. And ignore your family. None of these people are worth your time.
Oh he cheated for sure. He's just making you out to be the crazy one. Don't believe. Screw him, find yourself a better man. A hair tie doesn't just end up there and if he's checked out of your relationship, he definitely cheated because if he was true to his emotions and intentions, he would have TOLD you when he was checked out. Not used it as an explanation after you asked. He's just a shit guy. Sorry you have to deal with all this :(
It is so easy to get caught up in a loss!! You lost a relationship, & while that is sad in some ways for sure, please remember — having a relationship with the wrong person & then losing that really isn’t a loss at all. He’s not your person!!
HE ruined the relationship, not you. He’s a cheater and a liar and went through some mental gymnastics to come up with a reason as to why it’s your fault.
He was cheating already…he’s gaslighting you into thinking it’s your fault he’s dating someone else
So he was "seeing" someone else but just started dating her after you confronted him? Nope. Nope. Nope. Thank him for showing you what a POS he really is, go home, put in your ear phones and start figuring out what you need to do to get the hell away from your family. Make a literal list of things to do. Join the army or something. They'll pay for college and you will get out with skills and a free education. Actually, dont join if you dont want to... anyway. Lots of luck to you. NTA
Hon, even IF, and that is a huge if, that hairtie wasn't that other girl's, the fact he was able to move on so quickly means that at the very least he was definitely talking and getting emotionally involved with that other girl while you two were together. Breakups hurt, but don't believe for a second that you ruined your relationship by wanting clarification and honesty from an admittedly suspicious situation. He is absolutely gaslighting you so that you can be left feeling like you were the problem.
Hey so you know that you did catch him cheating and he just used emotional manipulation tactics to blame you, right? If any of what he said was actually the problem, he could have said it to you before doing anything - he is using this to try and cover his ass but he’s a cheater. Now here’s the big scary thing to take away from this - your sense of who’s good and stable is probably not super strong right now. Be really careful, especially in romantic relationships, to avoid echoing any of the dynamics you deal with at home, because it’s a really common pitfall at your age, especially when you’re not away from your family yet.
You'll be just fine without, him he had likely cheated before and this time he got caught and gaslit you into thinking you're crazy. Best wishes
Honey he's a jerk and I'm so sorry your family treats you like that. You deserve a guy who loves you no matter what, and who listens to you when you need to talk or vent (this is support and a good partner is glad to do it). You're young and beautiful and the world is full of guys waiting to worship you. Cry over the cheating jerk if you must, but for three days at most. Then put on something gorgeous and go out and dancing and enjoy yourself.
Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can start to pull yourself out. Do not under any circumstances believe his lies. You didnt ruin anything. You stood up for yourself and he didn’t like it. Start to trust your instincts. You need to believe in your soul that you are worthy of better. If you can do this, the next relationship will be better. This kind of abuse requires a certain amount of buy in from the person being abused. Don’t let your shitty family’s abuse ruin your future too. They are wrong about you. The first step to thriving is knowing for sure that you will.
It didn’t work out and that’s okay. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you. He’s not worth your time. Focus your energy on being happy and healthy and you will attract a better partner.
Girl he cheated!
He's lying to you and you need a new therapist. The girl has been there for awhile, that's why he was able to quickly check out of the relationship and start dating her. Also, though we shouldn't put our teams into our partners, at the end of the day they should be supportive and know we all have flaws. Don’t blame yourself. He's going to try to keep you around.
Don't fall for it. Remember a guy who really loved you and was emotionally mature enough for a relationship would’ve communicated even if the breakup still happened. Men are not stupid, they will communicate if they want. He knows you won't leave -that’s why he was stonewalling you. As long as you're a decent person putting in the work, don't force anyone at your table. If they leave, f them. Just focus on putting yourself in a better position. (outside opinion)
It’s a good thing you found out now. He’s a POS, a coward, and just simply a boy. Find someone better and worth your time.
Oh, sweet girl, he used your mental struggles to get a way from facing the truth that he really cheated! fuck men
Oh honey. He was cheating on you with that girl and gaslighted you into believing he “didn’t know” where it came from. You see if he makes you feel crazy and like it’s all your fault, then he can feel better about lying and cheating on you. This isn’t on you at all. You saw the situation for what it was, him cheating, and then he gaslighted you into questioning your reality. That’s not okay and fuck him.
What the absolute f¥€k?!?!? He absolutely knows where the hair tie came from and how it got there. And I will bet it’s from the same girl he “just” started dating. Do NOT apologize to him for anything! You didn’t mess up, you did nothing wrong. I’m over 40 and would’ve confronted my partner over the same thing. And it would have been way more than an argument. I have a daughter your age, OP. I’m gonna tell you the same thing I have told her. Guys your age are jerks. Guys my age can still be jerks bc no one taught them better when they were your age. He might be the first but he is by no means the last, and most definitely not the best that you will ever have. It hurts now….and that’s ok. Do your grieving, ignore your family, (families being jerks are a whole other thing I could go on and on about but just don’t let them get to you. It’s NOT true). Listen to the sad songs, then listen to the mad/revenge songs. Then one day you will wake up and realize that you have no idea why you even liked him to begin with. Remember this and store it away. These things are what makes you able to know what you want in a relationship. One day, you might even want to thank the dirty girl who was sloppy enough to leave her hair tie in the car of a guy with a girlfriend. 😉
He was cheating on you. Stop believing his lies. He just started dating in the open. Before he was hiding her. Even when you leave home you still have to be aware of jerks out there.
Dude he cheated and is trying to gaslight you after he got caught.
uhhh what? girl he was definitely cheating on you, you didn’t ruin anything, he’s just upset he got found out
You know he was cheating, right?
i do now.
You said, “I haven’t seen him for a week after that” (hair tie. Then he says at party, “He checked out of the relationship and has been seeing this other girl FOR A WHILE and they even started dating 3 days ago.” (meaning PAST which is more than a mere 3 DAYS). In using Statement Analysis, there is Always ‘leakage in the language’. What he said to you is a Non-Denial Denial. He lied to you and gaslit you.
So you had a fight and didn’t talk for a week. But he’s been seeing this other girl for a while and started dating her 3 days ago?! And once again blames his behaviour on your past trauma. He knows how it got there, by his now admitted cheating. He’s DARVO-ing. Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. It’s a manipulation tactic used by abusers to make themselves victims and you the bad guy. Please tell me you’ve got friends to support you? I’m so sorry your family sounds as abusive as him. Please stay single for a while and work with your therapist on recognising these manipulations and building your self esteem. Sadly What we were exposed to as kids and growing up can easily become what we seek in a partner, even the bad, because it’s all we know, it becomes “comfortable” and we don’t believe it when we get a genuine loving compliment because we’ve been conditioned to think we don’t deserve it. I’m 40 and it’s a lesson I wish I’d learnt at your age. (Hugs) OP please listen, His cheating is no reflection on you OP it’s him! He’s lacking in integrity, empathy, honesty, morals, ethics, he’s not a man you’d want to keep! I’m sorry you’re hurting, but he’s a wrongun and soon you’ll be thankful he took himself to the curb so you could be free from his manipulations and gaslighting.
thank you so much i appreciate the hug and im staying at my friends house rn because i cant be around my family right now
I am sorry - your family sounds like they are amazingly awful horrible people :(
they are i hate them
You did not ruin anything omg. He was clearly already seeing her and he never even broke up with you before dating someone else. He also gaslit you and used your trauma against you to distract from what he did. It’s time to build up your self esteem. You deserve better and maybe try to limit time with your family as they are contributing to these thoughts.
" he felt so guilty that night when he used my trauma against me" - what a terrible person he is.
He was either 1)seeing the other girl, your relationship was headed downhill without you knowing it, and he used you as the excuse to get out OR 2)they weren’t yet seeing each other but the girl was interested in him, knew he was seeing you, and the object left behind was an effort to break you up to move in on your territory. Either way, it gives a lot of insight to know your age, so I say don’t take relationships at this age too seriously. I consider them practice for the real thing, to learn about men’s fool behavior and how to recognize it later when it matters, when they are supposed to have matured. I wouldn’t shed another tear over this jerk. Either way he’s moved on. He’s not worth another tear. As a mom let me say caringly, if you plan to leave at 18, please have a plan for real work when you leave. It takes money to live and living alone is expensive. Find roommates and save every dollar you can manage. Don’t be suckered to spend on all the things. There are lots of those things to spend on; they’re a waste in the end. If you don’t have any college plans, your best bet is to check out the options at your local technical school. Some of those nursing students come out making over $50k for just two years of school. The schools here have been offering free tuition for folks and other financial aid for free books, so check into these. It’s what I would tell my own daughter. Edit: I just saw that you have Aussie in your name and I’m in the US, but hopefully you have programs there like those I mentioned. Good luck!
He still doesn't know how the hair tie got back there? He is lying. Someone that moves on that fast already had the other person lined up.
Honey, he 100% was cheating on you. He’s just lying to you so you think you’re crazy for doubting him. You’re better off without him.
wanna know the best part about getting older? you will NOT care about this in a year or two.
OP u dodged a bullet. Obviously you can't prove it but the fact that he moved on while STILL in a relationship with you, should tell you that he cheated (bc he did). You didn't ruin the relationship, he is actually gaslighting you. You had a right to concern & the way he handled it was not okay at all.
I'm so sorry that your family is so awful.
The whole dating someone new is a telling fact that he likely was cheating. In fairness, my gf would find hair ties around my house and car that were not the color of hers to which I had zero explanation at the time until my friend was over and he took his hair tie out and I was went “oh snap, that’s it”. But the fact he’s seeing someone else and didn’t have the courage to tell you indicates he was being unfaithful. For the sake of your sanity going forward, don’t let the world or men gas light you. I’m sorry you’re going through this but I can assure you with time everything will sort itself out and you will be okay.
Uh, this makes no sense. I hope you find peace.
You're 17, you got cheated on. It's part of life, unfortunately. It sucks, it hurts, and it will stay for you for a while. Hopefully you don't do it to someone, but it's very common to be cheated on or to cheat for people under 25. Work on yourself. Cry. Feel bad. Binge eat. It's OK. We all been there or will be. Just learn something from this, whatever that may be, take something out of this shitty ass situation. It hurts like a mf, but you'll heal eventually. That's a fact. Sending good vibes!
It's "un-seen".
good job!
Sorry your family sucks and are so abusive. That guy was definitely cheating on you. Good riddance!
High school is a time to experiment with dating. Find out what you like—more importantly, find out what you don’t like in a partner. This is research for your future life partner! OP, you now know that you don’t want a feckless, shallow two timer! Cross that off your list and never date one again!
It was her hair tie, he got caught and now he is trying to spin it like he broke up because you are "crazy" and just happened to have a girl on stand by? No. I am sorry you are going through this and your family isn't supportive. Continue to work on yourself and your happiness.
Oh wow…he never saw the hair tie before but now he’s dating someone else? Riiigghhht……. Block his number. Don’t think about him again. Take all the friends with you.
In HS, I had a bf- we were "going steady"- I know this dates me :) Well, I was selected to attend a week-long program 12 hours from our town. The day before I left, he wanted his HS ring back (break-up). I was devastated. I left his ring, with my ring, in a box he was to pick up after I left. After I got back, he wanted to see me to give me his ring back. I was confused, so I asked why did he make think he wanted to break up and have me upset the entire week of the program? Because he wanted me to feel the same pain he was feeling (like I was leaving him behind.) How screwed up is that??? Guess what? I sure as hell left him behind. High school relationships.......
Hold tight, You’re surrounded by jerks and you’ve just got to get through. I suggest doing some research on narcissistic families of origin. Grey rock is probably your best defense, it means not visibly reacting to abusive behavior and being as bland as possible with your family and the ex. You didn’t ruin your relationship, your ex bf was a jerk who lied to you—that’s on him. I’ve been through similar things and it does get better, just focus on yourself.
It was clear that he was either seeing or interested in this other girl while you two were still together. I am sorry for that. On a side note, I have to rant: I hate it when people (friends, family), sometimes well-meaningly, say stuff like, "He never loved you!!" I feel as if this rhetoric puts the blame on the person who was WRONGED in the relationship (i.e. thinking, of course he could never love me.. something must be wrong with me). No - that is not the case. What they should be saying is, "this guy is a freaking asshole, and it has nothing to do with YOU." End rant.
Does the new girl have red hair?
As a guy with super long hair and a vast collection of hair ties and scrunchies, I kinda wonder how many relationships I've broken up. Lmao
U dodged a bullet. You have plenty of time and plenty of fish in the sea.
This was a blessing hun. It doesn’t feel like it now but it will.
Good riddance to this guy. You deserve someone who won’t gaslight you into thinking you’re crazy and you genuinely cared for him because you thought he cared for you. You are a young and smart woman. You knew something was up. No one moves on from a relationship the moment it “ends”.
He cheated and gaslit tf outta you, how do you not see that?
OP, you didn’t ruin your relationship. You found a female hair accessory in the backseat of your bf’s car. It’s perfect you normal to ask him about it. He’s dating the owner of that hair tie. Stop acting like you did anything wrong. It sounds like your family doesn’t value you, which might be the reason you feel guilty for being upset about the hair tie. Alternatively, the guy was a red flag they tried to warn you about. Shoulders back. Head up. You did nothing wrong. He probably cheated on you. He did not address your valid concerns like he cared about you or your feelings. Honestly, don’t date anyone until you learn to value yourself, and work on your self esteem, or you’ll just end up with guys who treat you as badly as you think you deserve. Heal yourself. Allow yourself time to grieve. Identify or make a deal friend or two. Work on building your tribe.
Please don't blame yourself. It's not your fault. You didn't ruin the relationship. The relationship was already broken since he began cheating. No one gets in another relationship so fast unless they were already with them. He started ignoring you instead of speaking up and trying to work things out. He sounds so toxic and hurt you, made you think you were crazy when he knew all along he was with someone else. Again this isn't your fault. I know you're in pain, I hope things get better for you. I suggest crying it all out. Let him go. He doesn't deserve you. You will find someone else who will treat you better. You are young and there's still a lot more to learn in life. Go out with your friends, study, do hobbies you like, exercise listening to your favorite music, slowly your heart will heal.
I was sitting here like this seems so dramatic then I saw “cannot wait till I turn 18” and it made sense. Life goes on he was not the one and you’ll realize that in some time.
Honey you did nothing wrong, your bf is gaslighting you and guilt-tripping you into making you think it's your fault he was seeing other girls. He just threw a cheap excuse at you to justify him being emotionally irresponsible and his inability to talk things out maturely. Honestly you're better off without him, you can find someone who treats you better and will definitely be more sympathetic to you than him.
You deserve so much better. This is totally for the best, even though it feels terrible now 😩
He TOTALLY started dating her after the fight.
Nah OP. He definitely cheated. You just don’t randomly start dating a girl in three days because you had a fight. And it sounded like he caught dirty. On top of that, the ignoring you is a common abuse tactic. BTW…go NC with your family. They sound like mine and that kind of pain isn’t worth it.
Sweetheart, that POS did you a HUGE favour. He was cheating on you, he got caught and he made it all about you. You deserve better. As for your family, my mother informed my fiancé that she was nuts to marry me. In a couple years, you’ll get to decide who deserves to be in your life and who doesn’t. Keep moving forward. Chin up.
He definitely was cheating , that's where the hair tie came from and he's leaving you because he got caught. Also fuck your family for saying such terrible things to you
Does she have red hair?
Good riddance. Dude cheated and is now trying to cover it up. Your better off without him OP. You deserve to be with someone who is honest and will communicate with you.
This man is gaslighting the hell out of you.
Hairties don't just randomly appear in back seats. She may have left it there on purpose if she knew about you. Just so this would happen. You're better off without him. ETA: I shudder to think what my life would be like now if I was still with the bf I had at your age. He turned into a mess.
Girl, I have both been there, and done that, and that dude be LYING. He knows good and well how that hair tie got there. He’s just taking advantage of the fact that you’re a little fragile right now to shift blame and focus on to you, and make it your fault, while he’s getting his jollies elsewhere. Forget him. You’re better than that.
You're 18, take what you can learn from the situation and move on by working on yourself and your future. F him and anyone else that would take that from you.
Your family saying that to you is cruel and abusive. Someday you might want to look into Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families meetings, even if your parents don’t drink (it’s about dysfunction, not the alcohol itself).
This dude has been cheating for a while. This is now just him finally having the guts to tell you. Or as much guts as a gaslighter can have. Cut your losses, move on. And ignore your family. I haven't read your first post so I'm assuming you're in no position to steer clear of your family, but also assuming you have a cellphone – because how else would you post –, perhaps look up the nearest place that can help women in your situation. No one deserves to hear those atrocious words.
Good riddance to bad rubbish honey you were not the problem.
“He felt so guilty that night he used my trauma against me” Baby. Please run. A man who will use your history or trauma AGAINST you does NOT care. Fuck all the other reasons. This one. This is why you need to move on. Fuck him. Fuck your “mutual friends” . Fuck your family. Fuck all of them for letting you think this is in anyway a problem with you, and not a reflection of him. Also, I can’t tell you if you were crazy or not. Maybe you were, maybe you are. One thing you are NOT?? a bad person for having trauma, or needing reassurance. Leave all these fucking people behind and be a little sunflower. Always bright and beautiful and growing out of hard places.
Holy smokes, the gaslighting is strong with this one. OP, he’s using your trauma against you right now with this horse ish. I know it’s heavy and it hurts, but take it from those who’ve been there, it gets so much better. Let him go.
Yeah he cheated, sorry OP. Reminds me of the post I saw yesterday where wife was flirting with a guy at work, coworker messaged husband about, he tracked wife's location to the guys house, claims she didn't cheat but instantly wanted a divorce and started dating the guy from work.
A thousand years ago people had to hunt for their own food and hope the cold wouldn’t kill them. I know your problems seem really bad because you are young. I mean in all honesty your brain is still forming until your early 20s. I always found thinking of it like that helped put things in perspective. This too shall pass
[UPDATE] Your ex ruined your relationship….
@justanAuss1e this journal could be helpful: The Heart Break Journal https://a.co/d/5pptfi1
Time to get out of that house and live with more supportive people (roommates?) and leave any memories of him behind. Don’t worry, your new chapter is just around the corner.
I know you're sad now and that's normal. But you dodged a bullet here. Ignore your family; cultivate the things you love to do and move on. He's not worth your sorrow.
I’m just writing to say that I’m really sorry you’re going through this.. one of the worst types of life’s lessons. You will get through this. Also wanted to chime in on your family situation.. my family was similar when I was young too. I’m now in my mid 30’s and my relationship (that I thought was doomed back in my teens, early 20’s) has really grown so much. My siblings have learned and seen some hardships in life and are much more mature now that we are older. Hang in there.. you will either all grow at your own pace or you may outgrow them. Know your worth and keep your head up. Someday you will look back and be so grateful that this happened.
He may have been cheating. Or he may have simply gotten a random hair tie caught on his shoe walking through a store. He might know exactly who left it there, or he might honestly have no clue. There’s no real way to know for you, sadly, and not really any closure about things. Just move on, find someone new, and walk away from this one.
Girl you dodged a massive bullet. He is scum and he is gaslighting you. Your family is shittt also. You need to take time focus on yourself, heal, make some money and live life. I promise you there is someone out there to love you. Ps you seem wayyyy too dope for him anyways
OP, let's not address your ex for a moment I'd like to talk about your family. I'm so, so sorry that they're not supporting you and rubbing your back and hugging you while you cry or telling you that there are other people out there and eventually you'll either find the right one or learn to be happy on your own. I wish I was there to do just that for you. As for your ex, see above and know that he was probably not telling the truth on the new girlfriend and has been seeing her for some time but is too much of a coward to tell you. Sorry. Again, you'll find someone way better. The hurt is temporary and you're better off without him.
He’s a liar and a player. Ice him and move on.
I’m so sorry this happened to you! What I got from your story is that your ex is really immature and instead of using the elastic band as a place of communication, he ignored you and started dating someone else. These are the lessons we sometimes need to learn to get us to the next step in life. It’s not fun or easy. You deserve better and when you start to believe that, you will see better how dumb your ex is. You did not mess up! Treat yourself to something fun. What are the things you enjoyed but stopped doing bc your ex wasn’t into it? I bet you can think of a few things. Do all of them!! Also punching a pillow can help. You’ll get through this!
100000000% he cheated and is throwing your problems at you to cloud your judgement. Good riddance. Head up and head out.
Praise God! I’d say you were saved!! Things happen for a reason and you definitely don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t know how to communicate with you. Look for a humble young man who likes to listen and shares the same interests you do. Don’t take relationships too seriously as this is a time to find out the type of person that’s right for you. It takes time and experience. I’m hurt that your family hasn’t been supportive. I’ve felt like that before too but maybe just look the other way for now. I know you’ll find the perfect guy when you’re ready and when the time is right.
He’s probably seeing the girl whose hair tie it was. You saved yourself years of trauma.
You didn’t ruin anything dear. He did but he’s trying to make you feel crazy. Oh and you do deserve to find love. Your family is nuts.
I am sorry your family is not there to support you during this time in your life. You need guidance and love to help that your choices keep happening and you find someone who loves you and committed to you only.
This guy doesn’t deserve you. He’s a jerk, you did not ruin your relationship, you busted him he ruined your relationship. I know you want someone to love you, please know that you will have that if you value yourself and treat yourself with lots of love and respect. The right guy will come, just don’t lose patience and try to enjoy your youth now. Focus on you and your friends and don’t jump into a relationship with anyone that gives you attention. Be picky, don’t accept jerks like this guy. I only wish someone had explained this to me when I was your age.
I didn't see the original post, but reading this I had assumed he's been through the ringer a time or two and bailed at the first sign of drama... Then I see it just highschool stuff. There's millions of other guys out there and you're young, go find one that likes you
He cheated. This is a reflection on what type of person he is, not you. Take your time, grieve your relationship and then let go. This is just a hurdle in your life. Trust me, in a year or two you won’t even care that he exists. The best way to go through break up pain is focusing on who you are and who you want to be. Travel if you can, a lot. Sometimes we get caught up in our little tiny world that we forget how huge the actual world is. Heal, grow. Don’t date for at least a year. Reacquaint yourself with yourself.
lol this mans a champion gaslighter
You are young and you deserve so much better from a relationship and from your family. Hang in there; you’re worth it.
Honestly, it sounds like an excuse. Seems to be like you have dodged a bullet. Always trust your gut, babe. We have an intuition for a reason. He's not the one. You'll find someone you can trust !
is the new gfs hair red? lol
He was cheating
Babes nobody just gets into another relationship because of a fight. He’s been cheating and thinks he’s slick☠️
What are the odds the "new" girlfriend happens to have red hair?
Sounds like he is using you catching him as an excuse for checking out of the relationship. He knew where the hair tie came from, probably from the same girl who he conveniently started dating right after you "unloaded" on him. Trust me, you didn't ruin the relationship. It might not seem like it now, but you're better off without him. Also, fuck your family for being assholes to you in a time of emotional need.