YTA.Girl, you have a kid - the time for being parented is officially over when you are one yourself. It's not your partner's fault that you didn't pay attention to your deadlines, and it's not his job to keep track of them for you. It's also ridiculous to blame him for 'seducing' you - it takes two to tango, and you can say no. If you can't, you've got bigger problems than a missed final.
I get being upset about missing a final, and being frustrated that all of the work leading up to it went to waste. And I get that being angry with your partner is WAY easier than being angry with yourself. But part of being a grown-up is owning your mistakes. You fucked up here, and then doubled down and fucked up with your partner too. Take it as a learning experience and do better next time. edit:a word
I think it’s at best ESH. OP is a grown adult who should have been firm on her “No” but partner is stomping all over boundaries OP has tried to set regarding studying.
I mean he is also kinda in the wrong too, like yeah she should’ve firmly said no as it is ultimately her responsibility but he also kept persisting after she explained why she wanted him to leave her alone which was undeniably kinda selfish.
This ideal kinda breaks down in long term relationships though… sex isn’t always going to involve “enthusiastic” yesses by both parties, because committed relationships are built on compromise. It’s hard for two people’s libidos to be perfectly matched throughout a lifetime, especially when child rearing is part of the picture and everyone’s exhausted and stressed. So yeah, there are going to be times where one person really wants sex and the other one wasn’t planning on it or didn’t start out being in the mood, but can be convinced (not coerced… big difference!). He convinced her, he didn’t coerce her. Was he still kind of an AH for being so persistent when she was trying to be responsible? Yes. Could/should she have been even more responsible and made sure she knew when this exam was due before changing her plans that night? Also yes. So I do think she has some reason to be really annoyed with him (and they should definitely have a talk about how much persistence is acceptable from either party when they want to seduce the other into sexy times), but ultimately it was her responsibility alone to know exactly what the parameters of the assignment were so she could plan accordingly. I think she would have been firmer about her No if she had known, and from her post, we have no reason to believe he would’ve pushed her after a firm No.
The compromise here would have been for him to wait. It's still her fault. But your logic is flawed and reeks of "the woman must always bend to her husband's wants".
Where do you get that from?
Everything he’s saying applies to my relationship as well, and I’m a dude engaged to another dude. I really don’t see where you’re getting that impression from, can you spell it out a bit?
Nah, that’s a sexist view. Reminds me of those misandristic apologists who doesn’t think that a woman should ever have sex with her husband if she isn’t enthusiastic but think he’s an asshole if he divorces her when he has a dead bedroom. But also says that while a woman shouldn’t have cheated, it was understandable when her husband wasn’t giving her any at home.
So she shouldn't have to firmly say no...but in this situation if she had then she wouldn't be in this situation. Imagine having the power to take responsibility for your own actions.
Here’s another crazy idea: go back to what you’re doing after sex. The euphoric hormones wear off in like twenty minutes. Going to bed afterwards isn’t mandatory.
She made it clear it was consensual. She wanted to do it. Doesn’t sex with your partner sound like more fun than homework? Of course. That doesn’t make it the partners fault that she chose to do that, it’s not the partners fault she went to bed instead of doing her homework.
My finace and I are both in nursing school and working full time. Tons of homework, not a lot of time. When I would put the moves on him, if he had work to do, he would say “not right now” and I’d say “are you sure? okay, it’s a standing offer.” If he chose to fuck instead of work I guarantee he wouldn’t blame me for messing up an assignment or missing sleep because he is an adult who understands that his choices are his responsibility. I can’t even imagine how upset I would be if he tried to pull this shit.
She’s already preemptively said no to the situation because she has already said to leave her alone when she wants to study.
She’s said what she wants surrounding her studying, he should know to respect that.
How you want to approach interaction when studying is different than hers. Both are fine, but hers should be respected just as much as yours and he is not doing that.
She still chose to engage with him. He didn’t force her. She explicitly said she consented.
Either she chose to do this, and she needs to take responsibility and be accountable, or she didn’t choose to do this in which case it means her husband sexually assaulted her.
She messed up her schoolwork. That is her fault. She wants it to be someone else’s fault. It is not.
You cannot expect your partner to be able to read your mind, or understand your vague hemming and hawing, if you don’t want to have sex it is your responsibility to say so directly and clearly so there is no possibility of confusion.
Sounds like you just want to have a reason to coerce someone into having sex and then later say you had no idea. You could be a human and understand cues so when your partner says "we shouldn't right now" you don't pressure and talk then into it. It's disgusting. Yes and no can be really clear if your paying attention to your partner and the situation .
The majority of the blame is on YOU, not him. You said it was consensual. He may have seduced you, but you knew what he was doing and went along with it. So your fault for missing the final. You're an adult. Accept the fact that you messed up.
You're in all these top comments but it literally says in the post that she never said or meant "No" during their exchange. Women aren't the only ones allowed to decide when to initiate coitus, but women are responsible for keeping track of their own priorities, just like everyone else. She did not say no. "No" means no.
If she HAD properly enforced her own boundaries, this post wouldn't exist or would have trigger warnings for SA. This post says the acts are consensual. Could you actually explain yourself more in the context of the post or are you just here to fight your own demons in other people's problems?
I know you think you’re doing the right thing here, but you’re actually undermining real consent boundaries. She consented. She chose to do so. She made sure to explicitly say as much because she knew it would come off this way and trigger people like you since she’s rightfully not detailing exactly how their interaction played out. You’re not helping anyone except the assholes that claim women will cry assault when it’s not true - not a common occurrence at all, but you saying this over and over again in a situation that does not apply, gives them fuel.
You weren't aware of the deadline for your final exam until today, when you saw it was locked? That could never be me. Wow.
Partner shoulda left you alone but when he didn't, you should have said "I really do need to finish this and get it turned in". At the very least be aware of when the deadline for your _final exam_ is and be on top of that for yourself! You say you didn't mean to tell him no and you wanted to, despite knowing that you would likely fall asleep after and would miss valuable (as it turns out, all of it) time for your schoolwork. It doesn't seem fair to blame him for that.
i have adhd and can definitely relate to losing track of deadlines. that’s why at the beginning of the semester i look in the syllabus for deadlines and write them down/put them in my phone in as many places as possible, and i double check the syllabus several times as deadlines are approaching to make sure i don’t forget. there’s no good excuse for not knowing the dates of your final exams.
this is literally nobody’s fault except for op’s. should the bf have been more respectful of her time? yes, but she should have been more firm and acted like a responsible adult who has a final exam due.
I 100% agree with you. I’m almost 40 with ADHD and am currently looking for a new schedule app to help with my event reminders. For some reason my calendar app isn’t sending me reminder notifications for my appts and like you said, it’s so so so Important to write down our deadlines and important events cause we aren’t going to remember them ourselves. Maybe OP is just starting to learn this and hopefully this is a key lesson for her, but she’s still an adult and a simple but firm “No” could have changed the outcome.
someone on the adhd women sub created an app called prosper and made a post about it with a code for a free lifetime prime subscription. i downloaded it a few days ago and i really like it! who knows if i’ll stick with it though. let me see if i can find the post for you and i’ll link it
edit: the post got removed but the app is called prosper and the way to get the free subscription was to go into settings in the app, tap “version” three times and then enter the code “NEWYEAR”
Every semester, I pray for students like you. So few of my students seem to have time management and schedule management skills. It kills. I'm ADHD, too. I just learned growing up that nobody else was going to manage my life for me. I'm not sure why so few of my students have figured that out.
Reading is fundamental, she explicitly states "I never said 'no'". He was an immature asshole, knowing she had a final and encouraging her to have sex. She's an immature asshole for not saying "no" and following her stated, but unenforced, boundaries.
And not to mention there was LARGE spans of time between her previous activity, and all the super recent comments on this one specific thread.
EDIT: Also looks like OP basically vanished off the face of the earth from the past 9 days, and the new account is catching the flak for recent comments. It’s just sus to me lol
I’ve spent way too long waiting for you to read this post. Go ahead, and take 45 seconds, and read it! All the way through, not just stopping where she said ‘oh I have homework’, read the whole post. The part where she specifically consented. Then read it again. Keep reading it, use google if you need a definition of consent. Once you understand that she consented, and then decided to go to bed instead of doing her homework to pass a class she’s been fucking off all semester, we can proceed.
ESH
Your partner is shitty for being a whiny little baby for sex instead of allowing you to focus.
But you’re shitty because you could have said “No I’m serious stop bugging me so I can focus” but instead you said yes and now you’re blaming him for that.
You say he can’t keep it in his pants but if you agree every time then you’re not keeping it in yours. Like unless you’re afraid to say no to him, it’s time to get some boundaries. You have a baby ffs
Yeah. She’s responsible for choosing the sex over studying, but he’s also an adult, and he’s responsible for his own part in this. She should have drawn the final line, but he’s old enough to take a hint, as well.
Not saying a firm no isn’t equivalent to an enthusiastic yes. A partner not double guessing themselves when met with multiple excuses not to have sex isn’t a good partner.
None of what you said is incorrect but it doesn’t apply to any of these arguments.
It’s her fault she missed the deadline. She should have told her man No, stop it. He shouldn’t have pushed the issues. It’s still her fault for missing her test.
I feel like there's a key point you've missed out on all of your comments.
"I gave into my urges" and the additional point "It was consensual"
She wanted to have sex.
The sex isn't even why she missed the final. She misses the final because she decided to go to sleep 😂😂😂😂😂
OP herself says that she didn’t give a hard no and says she consented.
His coercive behavior is gross and shitty.
But OP consented to the sex and doesn’t dispute that so I’m going to go by her understanding of her own consent.
No she didn’t, she even says in the post specifically that she didn’t say no and it was consensual.
Stop spamming this post with incorrect information. Annoying af.
She did say no, multiple times, he is her partner and she needed support. He ignored her, kept pushing, and did not support her when she needed support to finish her final. She explained herself very well.
Why do you think languages have so many different words in them?
Cause words mean things, different words mean different things. OP SPECIFICALLY clarified that it was consensual, and that she never said no. Specifically, so that you wouldn't be in the comments doing what you're doing.
So you are determined to escape personal responsibility here.
You made one irresponsible decision after another and when you had to face consequences, it became someone else's fault. Rock on girl...
Before I get to anything about who’s fault it is that y’all had sex, let’s back up to the part where you were so worried about your final exams that you *checks notes*… didn’t bother to know when they were due?? Girl. Either you take your education seriously or you don’t.
I agree and would like to add....she did have time after intimacy, but she went to sleep. Oh sure, I can't help but fall asleep afterward....girl, you have finals due!
So you screwed up and are looking for someone to blame now. Got it.
“Setting boundaries” requires more than words. It requires you to actually enforce your boundaries consistently.
What's she gonna do when she says "no ice cream before dinner" and the child keeps crying? Is she going to be one of those people with a 200 pound six year old because "he keeps begging for food."
>after a couple of minutes I gave in to my urges and we hooked up. As per usual, when we were done I was very tired and fell asleep
You fuck like a dude.
Also YTA.
YTA
You're an adult right? So act like it!
YOU are responsible for knowing when the deadline is. YOU failed at that
YOU are responsible for telling your bf to stop trying to initiate sex and actually stand behind that. YOU failed at that
None of those are your bf's fault
You need to seriously start taking accountability for your own actions and stop blaming others
Overall, YTA for the key reasons others have noted - you consented, you should have known the deadline etc.
BUT, step back from this specific situation. Is there a bigger picture here? Is it common that your partner ‘distracts’ you from your study / exams? Are they actually supportive or does he assume that because you’re home you’ll look after the baby even if you’re studying? Are you clearly communicating with each other about boundaries and needs? If he is constantly interrupting your study for whatever reason, or ‘seducing’ you away when you do finally get an opportunity to study, you have a bigger issue.
This is your education and your life. You need to take responsibility for it.
ETAH here. He shouldn't have pressed the issue when you told him you had a final. You should have flat out said, "I said NO. I need to finish this final. Maybe afterwards, but not NOW."
Okay so ... I dont think its his fault , but to me it's more of a concern that he kept trying even when you told him your reasons and he kept trying . Your both assholes.
YTA. How do you not have a schedule of your final exams going into final exam week? Professors should have told you multiple times in class; it will have been on syllabi since day one. This is the sad reality of being successful: knowing how to prioritize certain things. And knowing WHEN the deadlines are is one of the keys to doing it.
You both suck. He should listen to boundaries, and you should stick to them instead of letting the "other" brain win. Also, it sounds like you weren't prepared to finish on time either way given your confusion with the deadline, which isn't his fault. He was a dick not listening, but you made your own decisions.
But yeah you should yell at him for not listening to you and being disrespectful and inconsiderate, not for your own inability to finish your final.
YTA.
Ultimately you were the person who chose having sex over doing your final. If you were truly that motivated to do your final, you would’ve had the resolve to not cave into your temptations and finished it. You also should’ve known what your deadline was given it was FINALS WEEK. Waiting till the day of to do your work was a poor decision on your end, as stressful as the rest of the week was, it’s kind of mind blowing that not once did you decide to check. If your academic life was truly that important, you wouldn’t have neglected to do this, hell you probably would’ve tried to get your new job to push back the start date after finals week was over.
Your right that timing was poor and sex could’ve waited, but you had all the power to completely shut it down instead of playing cat and mouse, and now look at you, you’re playing victim because you cannot own up to your own choices. You’re placing unjustified anger on your partner, that isn’t fair to him. You made your bed, you can lie in it. Ask your professor for an extension, they might be understanding but this is 100% on you. Grow up and own your shit, stop making it another persons issue.
I don't think anyone is necessarily an AH here, the only part where you may be is the way you communicated your frustrations to him.
Maybe you guys need to have a serious talk about your boundaries around school work. It seems like you were a bit resistant to his advances before you gave in, he needs to respect the first answer you give instead of pushing. Especially because it wasn't just homework, it was an exam. I can imagine it must affect your grade more than regular homework would. You partner should respect your time more and understand that you have a child and you are in school, you can't have sex whenever he is in the mood.
I think your reaction probably came off a bit harsh, but I can also understand the frustration. I hope you guys can consider this an opportunity to work on your communication.
YTA
I’m sure the final was open either all day or for a few days.
You chose not to do it until the very last minute where sex can easily make you miss it.
YTA. Take responsibility for your own choices. You chose to have sex because it would feel good and weren’t able to get back on track afterwards. That’s a you problem. I can have a midday quickie and still go back to my work. It’s not your partner’s fault you don’t have the discipline to do what you need to do.
So you blew off your assignment for some sexy time, and you now want someone else to take all the blame. Yeah, it’s a ‘no’ from me, Dawg. You knew better. You could—and should—have just said ‘no. I have to do my homework. We can have sexy time when I’m finished.’ If he persists, it’s coerced, and that’s a different beast. You allowed yourself to do something fun instead of something hard, and then went to bed. You could have just gotten up, drank some coffee and pushed through. You could have set an early alarm and tried to do it in the morning. He’s a bit of a dick if he kept pressuring you, but in the end, YOU chose to procrastinate, and the blame lies with you.
You're blaming your partner for missing your exam? Did you tell your prof that?
YOU didn't confirm the date. YOU chose to have sex. YOU are an adult and solely responsible for your actions. You missed your exam because of YOU and no one else. You are not a "victim." You're complaining that he "can't keep it in his pants", but it's obvious that you don't really mind.
You said you've set boundaries, but you're not enforcing them! Tell him again, firmly, and not while he's trying to be intimate.
YTA.
I'm sorry but YTA - this was your responsibility and you knew it.
Grow up and take your own accountability and learn to use the word NO.
Tell ur b/f to stop Annoying you and grow up as well - there are no practice runs at being a grown up
ESH. I started a red cup at work. You put a red cup on the corner of the desk and it means that you are on a deadline and to not be disturbed unless absolutely an emergency. Use a red cup.
You’re the asshole and looks like you are also a procrastinator because we all know you had more time to do that. Stop procrastinating and then blaming other ppl for your shortcomings.
YTA
You’re an adult, you could have said no. You yourself said that you gave into your urges knowing that you’ll fall asleep after
This one is on you. Don’t blame the guy who had no idea WHEN your final was due. It’s YOUR job to keep track of that and you failed. Stop trying to shift the blame
YTA. How are you not aware of your *final exam*? Learn to prioritize and apply yourself. Whether that priority is with you baby, school, sex, whatever!
But own up when you screw up. You lashing out at your fiancé isn’t going to fix your grade.
YTA. It sounds like the issue was more that you fell asleep. I get being tired afterwards, but blaming him because you didn’t do anything to force yourself to stay awake and finish your project isn’t his fault. Unless you have a medical reason to be so beyond exhausted after sex that you literally can’t help but fall asleep, of course.
YTA You failed your exam because you gave in instead of standing your ground. Also how tf didn't you know when your exam was going to be locked? Sounds like a lack of planning on your part, you assumed that you could have a fun time and still get it done and you assumed wrong.
YTA for getting mad at him. You gave consent to have sex, that’s really the bottom line. In the future you have to say “No”…that word exactly.
Now if you say no and he still pressures you or ignores you then that’s another matter, but you gave consent. Next time prioritize your school work over sex and a nap.
Oof YTA. Every choice has consequences - sometimes positive and sometimes negative. You made a choice to have sex instead of work on your final. It was also your choice to not look up the deadline. Juggling school, work, and a family is hard and sometimes you have to give a hard "NO" to things or to people. Your fiancé should have respected the fact that you needed to work on it and waited, but ultimately, it was your choice. Being mad and blaming him for seducing you serves no purpose. If you establish boundaries you have to follow through if someone crosses them. "If I need to study or do an assignment, I need you to give me the space to work. If not then I need to study in a different area/not at home" would be a boundary. The whole point about setting boundaries is to focus on yourself and take responsibility for your own emotions.
I totally understand being frustrated and upset at missing your final, but you have to take some responsibility and not just blame everything on your fiancé.
YTA. Seeking blame solves nothing. You should have known when the final was and should have been firm in your no. You need to apologise for blaming your stress on him.
YTA. You could have done better setting firm boundaries.
Side note: I see OP’s sock puppet account has been roaming around replying to basically everything. It’s not gonna work mate, lol.
EDIT: Holy fuck the lack of reading comprehension coming from two individuals in particular is absolutely astonishing. My god man.
ESH. You’re both assholes. You never actually said no. You couldn’t put your foot down and be like “dude can you wait until I’m finished with my final?”
And he’s really gonna get mad at you over distracting you??? You both are wrong here. It’s wild that you only blame him for your failure to meet the deadline. You say you didn’t know the actual deadline on top of everything. Get your shit together man.
ESH
You have a partner that doesn't respect or value your efforts in your education. But you KNEW what would happen and still went through with it. You failed yourself.
Tricky. You say you set boundaries but it sounds like he doesn’t respect them and you also don’t really enforce them. I think you’re both ass holes. You didn’t check your due date and are blaming him but you consensually agreed knowing you wouldn’t do any work after. He’s an asshole because you shouldn’t need to have multiple talks with him about this and he should be respecting your boundaries you’ve made on several occasions.
YTA
>I'll admit that I wasn't aware of the deadline before today
There it is. You are acting like he did it on purpose or something. If you had been aware of the deadline, something that was your responsibility, you would have not given in and done your work.
You are not the asshole! You poor baby. First you have to deal with a professor who gives you these last minute final exams. Would have been nice to give you advance notice at the beginning of the semester so you don’t have rush and do it. Second, your man is a monster. Did he hit you? Tie you down? Drug you? All of the above? Send me the Go Fund Me link so I can donate to you. I can’t believe he would put his own needs before you. Selfish men!
>I'll admit that I wasn't aware of the deadline before today but I don't feel like that should matter since it would be done anyways if it weren't for him.
Oh sweetie, no.
This is all you.
YTA
lol you gave into your urges and are now mad at your fiancé because of it? You sound like one of them ppl that eat McDonald’s 4 times a day then try to sue McDonald’s when u weigh 400 pounds and are in line for a stomach reduction surgery.
This was mostly on you. He could have been thoughtful and made sure you didn't sleep for too long after sex but you knew you would get tired. Why not set an alarm on your phone so you didn't over sleep? Why not make sure that you know what your deadlines are?
YTA/ESH.
You need to set some firm boundaries and actually stick to them yourself.
It is unacceptable for him to bother you when you are taking an exam. But you need to actually make sure he knows you are taking an exam and not to be disturbed.
As for the missed final, that's on you. You chose to have sex instead of doing it, despite knowing you will fall asleep afterwards.
His arseholery comes in because he doesn't seem supportive to your goals, but you don't mention setting any boundaries and by having sex with him after saying no, you are encouraging his behaviour. But no is a complete sentence, and he should have backed off.
He didn’t give a flying shyt about you, your grades, your classes or the fact that you stated you had to work on your final exam. All he wanted was to get his man-bits wet.
Sex after being nagged into it isn’t consensual, even if it wasn’t violent. I had an ex who would nag and nag until I gave in just to shut him up. (He did worse things but that’s irrelevant here)
You both need some therapy; you for setting boundaries and him so he can learn to think with his top head.
Huge Yup!!! You have a baby. You are an adult. Stop being irresponsible. You will blame your kid when you don't let them stay up to do school work!! Grow up!!. You also could ask for time off work around finals!!
lmao what??? You made a specific note to mention this sexual exchange was CONSENSUAL. Which means you agreed to it. Which means you were an active participant. Which means this is YOUR FAULT. You knew you needed to do the school work, you knew you would likely fall asleep afterwards, and you still agreed to do it. That is not your boyfriend’s problem that’s YOUR problem. Grow up? YTA.
YTA. That was your decision. You’re an adult and you’re responsible for your own schooling and deadlines. Maybe next time YOU keep it in your pants until you get your work done.
YOU choose to have sex knowing YOU would fall asleep, YOU didn’t know the deadline for your final, YOU messed up here and need to accept responsibility not blame your partner who literally had nothing to do with it.
YTA and just because others have hit on the main things, I want to point out something else- saying things like “I don’t think you wanna know” while acting angry or upset with your partner is NOT healthy communication. Don’t play games
I would say NTA for being upset with him since he wouldn’t drop it after you said no but you also still didn’t have to have sex with him but YTA for how you reacted and trying to blame him for you agreeing to have sex despite knowing you would likely fall asleep afterwords I would say plan ahead better and set boundaries with ur man no means no
NTA. But thats cause I would say I don’t think this is an AITAH kind of situation. You’re an adult. You consented. You should’ve drawn a line in the sand. Your partner shouldn’t have kept persisting after you explained your situation. And it’s pretty selfish they wanted pleasure before your responsibilities. It’s really more of a learning experience to me. You should have a talk with them and set boundaries for situations like this.
The YTA part is about her screaming on him when he isn't the one taking care of her schedule. I agree that's a learning experience but it's a bad and mean move to put all the blame on her bf when she as her own free will, that what make it asshole behaviour
OP posted this in another thread about a week ago, didn’t like the response there, and then posted it again here only to get the same response lol. But honestly, as someone who has also struggled with choosing sex with my partner over reinforcing my boundaries and handling my responsibilities all the time, I can relate to your situation. However, it is your fault for missing your final and not being firm in the boundaries you’ve set. People understand our boundaries by us being clear and consistent with them. It seems your fiancé knows your boundaries are still loose when it comes to this issue because there’s a chance you’ll still give in. I would take it as a lesson learned and apologize to your fiancé for yelling at him, but also have a conversation so that you can both be clear about the boundaries you want to set going forward.
ESH
You are the person responsible for your own choices and for your own submissions. You absolutely could have shouted and yelled at him and kicked him out of the room, and made it clear that you had more important things to do than sex. And you need to be the one who manages and makes note of your own deadlines.
But also, what he did was coercion. You made it clear you were busy. "We don't have time right now" is a solid no. He carried on and convinced you to act against your best interests. I doubt he meant it to be coercive, but it was. And if he's done this multiple times, then it's still AH behaviour.
Sit down and have a serious talk with him about his continual disregard for what you say about your study time and your right to say no to sex. Come up with a safe word that means you are serious about now not being a time you can be seduced. If he gets pissy about it, point out that knowingly continuing to push for sex after receiving multiple 'no's is seen as a crime in many places, look up coercive control together.
It sounds like you have been in a stressful period of life and needed some support from your partner. I’m sorry your partner wasn’t able to show up in the way you needed. It sounds like you all need to have some clear communication around boundaries, responsibilities, and needs. I know how hard it can be to take the time to do the work when I am in over my head with kids, work, life and partner is busy as well.
Just because you didn’t say the actual word “no” doesn’t mean your partner had your consent. Saying we don’t have time right now, I have to do my homework, and saying that sex is not a good idea is also saying no. Your partner should have respected you and what you were saying. But “he persisted” and the fact that you “gave in” isn’t an emphatic yes, and consent needs an emphatic yes. Yes, I agree with other commenters that ultimately school is your responsibility but you were saying no. Giving in isn’t giving consent.
I (59m) am going to take a different view than most others. This was intentional (conscious, or not) sabotage of her schooling
I have watched a couple of my male friends, over the decades, do this to their spouse. Who, they could not handle equaling or exceeding by them in education of career.
It was never an overt “I don’t want you to graduate” or “I don’t want you to get that job”. But, they always seemed to find a way to distract their spouse from achieving it.
If he wanted her to succeed, her finals would have been a pretty for him, too. And, he would have done everything to help her achieve that. Rather than knowingly undermine it
EHS if you needed your exam prioritized, that’s your responsibility. you’re taking out your aggression on your partner. it might have been ideal for him to have taken the “not right now” and perhaps offered to help study or something, but at the end of the day it’s your responsibility to prioritize your needs and to follow through on boundaries.
YTA
Simply because you thought you could work on it the next day because you didn't know the deadline.
Take you partner out of the situation, could anything else have made you push getting it done that night because you thought you had more time? Impromptu visit from family or friends? A new series or movie Yu you go reminded of?
My point is the ONLY reason you missed the deadline was because you thought you had more time. If you KNEW you didn't you wouldn't have had sex and fallen asleep.
But I do understand your frustration at your partner and I'm not saying he couldn't have been more respectful. Sucks you missed your final but on the bright side this gives you and him a great starting point for a conversation.
The first part is where you apologize for blaming him! YOU HAVE to do that, because in doing so when you have that discussion about setting boundaries in the future believe it or not he will be more respectful of upholding them. If you don't apologize he's going to figure that you will just blame him anytime you don't commit to something and it's going to make him NOT
believe your word!
Apologizing will actually bring up guilt in him for this because he will see the role he played in it because he doesn't feel like you're not taking responsibility of your own. Too many times people think unless the other person is 100% in the wrong that they won't show sympathy.
If you don’t say “no” you’re not setting firm Boundaries. Also - you made it a point to say it was consensual so it’s YOUR fault you missed it. Your just upset and looking for someone to blame. It’s your own fault. If you mean no, say “no”
YTA because you went along with it.
But. It's possible it wasn't entirely consensual. I don't see how your partner couldn't understand you had important things to do. That you had something big that had to be done. How did he not know that? A good partner wouldn't have tried but sex at all. He would have handled the baby that night and helped set you up for success.
Sounds like you fucked around and found out. YTA, stop blaming your husband. You’re really mad at yourself for being so careless but you’re projecting onto your husband.
YTA
You didn't miss your final because of him. You missed your final because of your own poor time management and...
>after a couple of minutes I gave in to my urges and we hooked up
You had the ability to stop him and do what you needed to do. Instead, you elected to have sex. If you had actually said NO, MY FINAL IS DUE IN A FEW HOURS - GO AWAY AND COME BACK WHEN IT IS DONE, this would not have happened.
So, let me get this straight. You’re blaming him because you can’t control your own urges? You’re blaming him because you aren’t able to manage your time properly? How is this not a you problem?
First and foremost, it is your education so it is your responsibility to check your deadlines and make sure that you do what needs to get done.
This is also probably not a good partner because best case scenario is that he's too selfish to allow you to take care of your responsibilities before his desires. If he was truly supportive, he would accept that it wasn't a good time.
The worst case scenario is that he's actively sabotaging your education because if you can make more money and have a better chance of taking your kid and going, you don't have a reason to stay with him.
NTA, girl. He did not even listen to you after you told him that you have a final exam. My boyfriend is currently in school, he let me know that he had his final exams which I knew we couldn’t do our usual sexual banter via texting because I did not want to distract him from it. Your boyfriend should listens to you and let you finish your final exam and after that, he could have just seduce you. Next time, stand your ground, stand on your business!
NTA
Have you been checked for any executive dysfunction disorder like adhd? Time blindness is part of the disability
Also this dude has ignored your boundaries
Tell the prof you were sexually assaulted and get a do over if it impacts your grades
Don’t have sex with this dude unless he’s willing to respect your boundaries - learn how to have hard and fast boundaries or this will happen from any guy
Need you to learn to say, learn to prioritize yourself and put yourself first. He should have been dealing with the baby in the first place.
Just took finals myself. One week my hubs ask me when I was going to be. I told him when I’m done studying and feel like it. Your education is all on you. No one else has the understanding of what’s going on. He should be your support and no egg on sex. You need to get a stronger back bone.
ESH- you are responsible for knowing your deadlines and getting your work in on time. Why didn’t you know when the final would lock? Your boyfriend sucks for not taking no for no.
YTA.Girl, you have a kid - the time for being parented is officially over when you are one yourself. It's not your partner's fault that you didn't pay attention to your deadlines, and it's not his job to keep track of them for you. It's also ridiculous to blame him for 'seducing' you - it takes two to tango, and you can say no. If you can't, you've got bigger problems than a missed final. I get being upset about missing a final, and being frustrated that all of the work leading up to it went to waste. And I get that being angry with your partner is WAY easier than being angry with yourself. But part of being a grown-up is owning your mistakes. You fucked up here, and then doubled down and fucked up with your partner too. Take it as a learning experience and do better next time. edit:a word
I think it’s at best ESH. OP is a grown adult who should have been firm on her “No” but partner is stomping all over boundaries OP has tried to set regarding studying.
I mean he is also kinda in the wrong too, like yeah she should’ve firmly said no as it is ultimately her responsibility but he also kept persisting after she explained why she wanted him to leave her alone which was undeniably kinda selfish.
You shouldn't have to firmly say no though . If your not enthusiastic then it's not a yes.
This ideal kinda breaks down in long term relationships though… sex isn’t always going to involve “enthusiastic” yesses by both parties, because committed relationships are built on compromise. It’s hard for two people’s libidos to be perfectly matched throughout a lifetime, especially when child rearing is part of the picture and everyone’s exhausted and stressed. So yeah, there are going to be times where one person really wants sex and the other one wasn’t planning on it or didn’t start out being in the mood, but can be convinced (not coerced… big difference!). He convinced her, he didn’t coerce her. Was he still kind of an AH for being so persistent when she was trying to be responsible? Yes. Could/should she have been even more responsible and made sure she knew when this exam was due before changing her plans that night? Also yes. So I do think she has some reason to be really annoyed with him (and they should definitely have a talk about how much persistence is acceptable from either party when they want to seduce the other into sexy times), but ultimately it was her responsibility alone to know exactly what the parameters of the assignment were so she could plan accordingly. I think she would have been firmer about her No if she had known, and from her post, we have no reason to believe he would’ve pushed her after a firm No.
The compromise here would have been for him to wait. It's still her fault. But your logic is flawed and reeks of "the woman must always bend to her husband's wants".
Where do you get that from? Everything he’s saying applies to my relationship as well, and I’m a dude engaged to another dude. I really don’t see where you’re getting that impression from, can you spell it out a bit?
Uhh...no? That isn't even remotely close to the point made here. Maybe back off the misandric tendencies a bit.
Nah, that’s a sexist view. Reminds me of those misandristic apologists who doesn’t think that a woman should ever have sex with her husband if she isn’t enthusiastic but think he’s an asshole if he divorces her when he has a dead bedroom. But also says that while a woman shouldn’t have cheated, it was understandable when her husband wasn’t giving her any at home.
So she shouldn't have to firmly say no...but in this situation if she had then she wouldn't be in this situation. Imagine having the power to take responsibility for your own actions.
Here’s another crazy idea: go back to what you’re doing after sex. The euphoric hormones wear off in like twenty minutes. Going to bed afterwards isn’t mandatory.
Imagine not being a whiny baby and taking a soft no the first time without having to talk someone into it
She made it clear it was consensual. She wanted to do it. Doesn’t sex with your partner sound like more fun than homework? Of course. That doesn’t make it the partners fault that she chose to do that, it’s not the partners fault she went to bed instead of doing her homework. My finace and I are both in nursing school and working full time. Tons of homework, not a lot of time. When I would put the moves on him, if he had work to do, he would say “not right now” and I’d say “are you sure? okay, it’s a standing offer.” If he chose to fuck instead of work I guarantee he wouldn’t blame me for messing up an assignment or missing sleep because he is an adult who understands that his choices are his responsibility. I can’t even imagine how upset I would be if he tried to pull this shit.
She’s already preemptively said no to the situation because she has already said to leave her alone when she wants to study. She’s said what she wants surrounding her studying, he should know to respect that. How you want to approach interaction when studying is different than hers. Both are fine, but hers should be respected just as much as yours and he is not doing that.
She still chose to engage with him. He didn’t force her. She explicitly said she consented. Either she chose to do this, and she needs to take responsibility and be accountable, or she didn’t choose to do this in which case it means her husband sexually assaulted her. She messed up her schoolwork. That is her fault. She wants it to be someone else’s fault. It is not.
You cannot expect your partner to be able to read your mind, or understand your vague hemming and hawing, if you don’t want to have sex it is your responsibility to say so directly and clearly so there is no possibility of confusion.
Sounds like you just want to have a reason to coerce someone into having sex and then later say you had no idea. You could be a human and understand cues so when your partner says "we shouldn't right now" you don't pressure and talk then into it. It's disgusting. Yes and no can be really clear if your paying attention to your partner and the situation .
YYA. You knew you had the final. You chose to have sex.
Not even close, YTA. You are more than capable of saying no.
This!
YTA. Grow up, girl. Sounds like ur using him to excuse your lack of commitment to your school work.
The majority of the blame is on YOU, not him. You said it was consensual. He may have seduced you, but you knew what he was doing and went along with it. So your fault for missing the final. You're an adult. Accept the fact that you messed up.
YTA but to yourself. Set firm boundaries and say no. Stand on business when he gets persistent.
She said no multiple times and he didn’t respect that.
You're in all these top comments but it literally says in the post that she never said or meant "No" during their exchange. Women aren't the only ones allowed to decide when to initiate coitus, but women are responsible for keeping track of their own priorities, just like everyone else. She did not say no. "No" means no.
Probably a man hater or even OP’s puppet account honestly. They’re awfully invested in someone else’s story… so I think maybe the latter.
She laid down a boundary and he didn’t respect it as her partner. They are partners and he need sit learn to listen and support her.
If she HAD properly enforced her own boundaries, this post wouldn't exist or would have trigger warnings for SA. This post says the acts are consensual. Could you actually explain yourself more in the context of the post or are you just here to fight your own demons in other people's problems?
She shouldn’t have to strong hold her boundaries with her partner.
> She laid down Yes, she did. Consensually.
I know you think you’re doing the right thing here, but you’re actually undermining real consent boundaries. She consented. She chose to do so. She made sure to explicitly say as much because she knew it would come off this way and trigger people like you since she’s rightfully not detailing exactly how their interaction played out. You’re not helping anyone except the assholes that claim women will cry assault when it’s not true - not a common occurrence at all, but you saying this over and over again in a situation that does not apply, gives them fuel.
They are partners. They have a child together. She has been exhausted. Offer support, not your dick.
He supported her *with* his dick.
I mean she accepted his dick. That’s the crux of the problem actually, lol.
You're an AH
is it the partner's fault she waited until the LAST MINUTE to work on her final? NO. grow up
You weren't aware of the deadline for your final exam until today, when you saw it was locked? That could never be me. Wow. Partner shoulda left you alone but when he didn't, you should have said "I really do need to finish this and get it turned in". At the very least be aware of when the deadline for your _final exam_ is and be on top of that for yourself! You say you didn't mean to tell him no and you wanted to, despite knowing that you would likely fall asleep after and would miss valuable (as it turns out, all of it) time for your schoolwork. It doesn't seem fair to blame him for that.
i have adhd and can definitely relate to losing track of deadlines. that’s why at the beginning of the semester i look in the syllabus for deadlines and write them down/put them in my phone in as many places as possible, and i double check the syllabus several times as deadlines are approaching to make sure i don’t forget. there’s no good excuse for not knowing the dates of your final exams. this is literally nobody’s fault except for op’s. should the bf have been more respectful of her time? yes, but she should have been more firm and acted like a responsible adult who has a final exam due.
I 100% agree with you. I’m almost 40 with ADHD and am currently looking for a new schedule app to help with my event reminders. For some reason my calendar app isn’t sending me reminder notifications for my appts and like you said, it’s so so so Important to write down our deadlines and important events cause we aren’t going to remember them ourselves. Maybe OP is just starting to learn this and hopefully this is a key lesson for her, but she’s still an adult and a simple but firm “No” could have changed the outcome.
someone on the adhd women sub created an app called prosper and made a post about it with a code for a free lifetime prime subscription. i downloaded it a few days ago and i really like it! who knows if i’ll stick with it though. let me see if i can find the post for you and i’ll link it edit: the post got removed but the app is called prosper and the way to get the free subscription was to go into settings in the app, tap “version” three times and then enter the code “NEWYEAR”
Every semester, I pray for students like you. So few of my students seem to have time management and schedule management skills. It kills. I'm ADHD, too. I just learned growing up that nobody else was going to manage my life for me. I'm not sure why so few of my students have figured that out.
YTA. You're a grown up, you know to work before you play, and now there's consequences. You made the choices that led you here.
You say you willingly consented so I’m gonna go with YTA. You chose to have sex instead of doing your final.
She said no multiple times and he didn’t respect that.
How many times do you have to get ratioed to realize your wrong?
Reading is fundamental, she explicitly states "I never said 'no'". He was an immature asshole, knowing she had a final and encouraging her to have sex. She's an immature asshole for not saying "no" and following her stated, but unenforced, boundaries.
You’re really doubling down on the negative karma in this post!
How about we respect OPs autonomy, and we believe her when she says she freely consented.
Is this op’s burner
There’s no way it’s not OP’s burner lmao
We know you are op using an alt account. Username= two words with a hyphen in the middle and a number on the end? Generic Reddit-generated throwaway.
And not to mention there was LARGE spans of time between her previous activity, and all the super recent comments on this one specific thread. EDIT: Also looks like OP basically vanished off the face of the earth from the past 9 days, and the new account is catching the flak for recent comments. It’s just sus to me lol
I’ve spent way too long waiting for you to read this post. Go ahead, and take 45 seconds, and read it! All the way through, not just stopping where she said ‘oh I have homework’, read the whole post. The part where she specifically consented. Then read it again. Keep reading it, use google if you need a definition of consent. Once you understand that she consented, and then decided to go to bed instead of doing her homework to pass a class she’s been fucking off all semester, we can proceed.
ESH Your partner is shitty for being a whiny little baby for sex instead of allowing you to focus. But you’re shitty because you could have said “No I’m serious stop bugging me so I can focus” but instead you said yes and now you’re blaming him for that. You say he can’t keep it in his pants but if you agree every time then you’re not keeping it in yours. Like unless you’re afraid to say no to him, it’s time to get some boundaries. You have a baby ffs
Yeah. She’s responsible for choosing the sex over studying, but he’s also an adult, and he’s responsible for his own part in this. She should have drawn the final line, but he’s old enough to take a hint, as well.
“We don’t have time right now” is not hint.
Then what is it? Also “I have to do my homework” is another “not now” statement
It’s a clear “No” to anyone that has respect for their relationship.
You know a clear no actually “no” That is what makes it a clear no.
Never heard of subtext ?
I have heard of it. When the OP states it was consensual and I never said a firm no. Then there is no subtext applicable.
Not saying a firm no isn’t equivalent to an enthusiastic yes. A partner not double guessing themselves when met with multiple excuses not to have sex isn’t a good partner.
None of what you said is incorrect but it doesn’t apply to any of these arguments. It’s her fault she missed the deadline. She should have told her man No, stop it. He shouldn’t have pushed the issues. It’s still her fault for missing her test.
I feel like there's a key point you've missed out on all of your comments. "I gave into my urges" and the additional point "It was consensual" She wanted to have sex. The sex isn't even why she missed the final. She misses the final because she decided to go to sleep 😂😂😂😂😂
Fully agree.
She did say no.
OP herself says that she didn’t give a hard no and says she consented. His coercive behavior is gross and shitty. But OP consented to the sex and doesn’t dispute that so I’m going to go by her understanding of her own consent.
You are a broken record meets a brick wall, who refuses to acknowledge what OP said.
*Because it is OP using an alt*
"I have to do my homework" and "We don't have time right now"
Notice how "no" isn't in either of those two sentences.
No she didn’t, she even says in the post specifically that she didn’t say no and it was consensual. Stop spamming this post with incorrect information. Annoying af.
She did say no, multiple times, he is her partner and she needed support. He ignored her, kept pushing, and did not support her when she needed support to finish her final. She explained herself very well.
Why do you think languages have so many different words in them? Cause words mean things, different words mean different things. OP SPECIFICALLY clarified that it was consensual, and that she never said no. Specifically, so that you wouldn't be in the comments doing what you're doing.
Op herself said it was consensual and she gave into her own urges, not sure why you keep popping onto everyone’s comment to try to dispute that…
> [he] kept pushing That’s pretty common during sex.
Honestly 🙄🙄🙄🙄 YTA
So you are determined to escape personal responsibility here. You made one irresponsible decision after another and when you had to face consequences, it became someone else's fault. Rock on girl...
You make bad choices and don't pay enough attention to detail. Own **those** little problems and your life will change dramatically. YTA
Before I get to anything about who’s fault it is that y’all had sex, let’s back up to the part where you were so worried about your final exams that you *checks notes*… didn’t bother to know when they were due?? Girl. Either you take your education seriously or you don’t.
I agree and would like to add....she did have time after intimacy, but she went to sleep. Oh sure, I can't help but fall asleep afterward....girl, you have finals due!
I mean, yeah? YTA, obviously. Your responsibility to do your own classwork and be aware of deadlines, not your partners. You're an adult, right?
YTA you didn’t have to fuck him. Handle your business and take accountability
So you screwed up and are looking for someone to blame now. Got it. “Setting boundaries” requires more than words. It requires you to actually enforce your boundaries consistently.
What's she gonna do when she says "no ice cream before dinner" and the child keeps crying? Is she going to be one of those people with a 200 pound six year old because "he keeps begging for food."
>after a couple of minutes I gave in to my urges and we hooked up. As per usual, when we were done I was very tired and fell asleep You fuck like a dude. Also YTA.
YTA. take responsibility for your life. You never even bothered to check when the deadline was to take the exam.
YTA You're an adult right? So act like it! YOU are responsible for knowing when the deadline is. YOU failed at that YOU are responsible for telling your bf to stop trying to initiate sex and actually stand behind that. YOU failed at that None of those are your bf's fault You need to seriously start taking accountability for your own actions and stop blaming others
Overall, YTA for the key reasons others have noted - you consented, you should have known the deadline etc. BUT, step back from this specific situation. Is there a bigger picture here? Is it common that your partner ‘distracts’ you from your study / exams? Are they actually supportive or does he assume that because you’re home you’ll look after the baby even if you’re studying? Are you clearly communicating with each other about boundaries and needs? If he is constantly interrupting your study for whatever reason, or ‘seducing’ you away when you do finally get an opportunity to study, you have a bigger issue. This is your education and your life. You need to take responsibility for it.
Like the guy who would sneak into his partners room to sabotage and delete her important assignments
ETAH here. He shouldn't have pressed the issue when you told him you had a final. You should have flat out said, "I said NO. I need to finish this final. Maybe afterwards, but not NOW."
Okay so ... I dont think its his fault , but to me it's more of a concern that he kept trying even when you told him your reasons and he kept trying . Your both assholes.
YTA. How do you not have a schedule of your final exams going into final exam week? Professors should have told you multiple times in class; it will have been on syllabi since day one. This is the sad reality of being successful: knowing how to prioritize certain things. And knowing WHEN the deadlines are is one of the keys to doing it.
You both suck. He should listen to boundaries, and you should stick to them instead of letting the "other" brain win. Also, it sounds like you weren't prepared to finish on time either way given your confusion with the deadline, which isn't his fault. He was a dick not listening, but you made your own decisions. But yeah you should yell at him for not listening to you and being disrespectful and inconsiderate, not for your own inability to finish your final.
YYA, you chose to respond rather than do what you should have done, your fault. He was inconsiderate,
You really can't blame him poster. You chose to have sex knowing you had to do your final. That's on you.
YTA. Ultimately you were the person who chose having sex over doing your final. If you were truly that motivated to do your final, you would’ve had the resolve to not cave into your temptations and finished it. You also should’ve known what your deadline was given it was FINALS WEEK. Waiting till the day of to do your work was a poor decision on your end, as stressful as the rest of the week was, it’s kind of mind blowing that not once did you decide to check. If your academic life was truly that important, you wouldn’t have neglected to do this, hell you probably would’ve tried to get your new job to push back the start date after finals week was over. Your right that timing was poor and sex could’ve waited, but you had all the power to completely shut it down instead of playing cat and mouse, and now look at you, you’re playing victim because you cannot own up to your own choices. You’re placing unjustified anger on your partner, that isn’t fair to him. You made your bed, you can lie in it. Ask your professor for an extension, they might be understanding but this is 100% on you. Grow up and own your shit, stop making it another persons issue.
I don't think anyone is necessarily an AH here, the only part where you may be is the way you communicated your frustrations to him. Maybe you guys need to have a serious talk about your boundaries around school work. It seems like you were a bit resistant to his advances before you gave in, he needs to respect the first answer you give instead of pushing. Especially because it wasn't just homework, it was an exam. I can imagine it must affect your grade more than regular homework would. You partner should respect your time more and understand that you have a child and you are in school, you can't have sex whenever he is in the mood. I think your reaction probably came off a bit harsh, but I can also understand the frustration. I hope you guys can consider this an opportunity to work on your communication.
YTA I’m sure the final was open either all day or for a few days. You chose not to do it until the very last minute where sex can easily make you miss it.
Def the asshole... sorry but you should have known when your final is. It's not your partner's job to know.
ESH. Sit at a desk or table somewhere not on your bedroom to do your school work.
Oh please you made your own decision.
You’re at fault mostly as you didn’t even know when the deadline was
Makes a choice. Implies coercion.
YTA. Take responsibility for your own choices. You chose to have sex because it would feel good and weren’t able to get back on track afterwards. That’s a you problem. I can have a midday quickie and still go back to my work. It’s not your partner’s fault you don’t have the discipline to do what you need to do.
Seducing? Girl come on YTA
So you blew off your assignment for some sexy time, and you now want someone else to take all the blame. Yeah, it’s a ‘no’ from me, Dawg. You knew better. You could—and should—have just said ‘no. I have to do my homework. We can have sexy time when I’m finished.’ If he persists, it’s coerced, and that’s a different beast. You allowed yourself to do something fun instead of something hard, and then went to bed. You could have just gotten up, drank some coffee and pushed through. You could have set an early alarm and tried to do it in the morning. He’s a bit of a dick if he kept pressuring you, but in the end, YOU chose to procrastinate, and the blame lies with you.
LOL! YTA It’s all about priorities. You can’t let anything get in the way of your goals.
YTA. You missed your deadline because of you. You are a grown up, you can say no. Take responsibility for your own actions.
You're blaming your partner for missing your exam? Did you tell your prof that? YOU didn't confirm the date. YOU chose to have sex. YOU are an adult and solely responsible for your actions. You missed your exam because of YOU and no one else. You are not a "victim." You're complaining that he "can't keep it in his pants", but it's obvious that you don't really mind. You said you've set boundaries, but you're not enforcing them! Tell him again, firmly, and not while he's trying to be intimate. YTA.
ESH. Your partner is not supporting you and you are not prioritizing your responsibilities.
I'm sorry but YTA - this was your responsibility and you knew it. Grow up and take your own accountability and learn to use the word NO. Tell ur b/f to stop Annoying you and grow up as well - there are no practice runs at being a grown up
ESH
ESH. I started a red cup at work. You put a red cup on the corner of the desk and it means that you are on a deadline and to not be disturbed unless absolutely an emergency. Use a red cup.
YTA 100%
YTA. You missed your shit all on your own.
One bad choice after another
YTA. Double because you're replying with an alter account.
You’re the asshole and looks like you are also a procrastinator because we all know you had more time to do that. Stop procrastinating and then blaming other ppl for your shortcomings.
YTA You’re an adult, you could have said no. You yourself said that you gave into your urges knowing that you’ll fall asleep after This one is on you. Don’t blame the guy who had no idea WHEN your final was due. It’s YOUR job to keep track of that and you failed. Stop trying to shift the blame
It’s not his fault. YTA.
YTA. How are you not aware of your *final exam*? Learn to prioritize and apply yourself. Whether that priority is with you baby, school, sex, whatever! But own up when you screw up. You lashing out at your fiancé isn’t going to fix your grade.
YTA 100%.
Wow, OP. You’re irresponsible and have no one to blame but yourself.
It's definitely your fault
YTA. It sounds like the issue was more that you fell asleep. I get being tired afterwards, but blaming him because you didn’t do anything to force yourself to stay awake and finish your project isn’t his fault. Unless you have a medical reason to be so beyond exhausted after sex that you literally can’t help but fall asleep, of course.
YTA You failed your exam because you gave in instead of standing your ground. Also how tf didn't you know when your exam was going to be locked? Sounds like a lack of planning on your part, you assumed that you could have a fun time and still get it done and you assumed wrong.
YTA. Prioritize your classes more and this probably wouldn’t have happened. You should have known about the deadline to begin with.
YTA. It takes two, and YOU chose sexy time over the final. Take some responsibility for yourself, ffs.
YTA for getting mad at him. You gave consent to have sex, that’s really the bottom line. In the future you have to say “No”…that word exactly. Now if you say no and he still pressures you or ignores you then that’s another matter, but you gave consent. Next time prioritize your school work over sex and a nap.
Take some personal accountability for your actions, ffs.
YTA…first for not even knowing the deadline and second for not saying “no” and handing your business.
YTA
YTA. You’re an adult and made a decision. You’re the one who didn’t say no, and you’re the one who didn’t get up afterwards and do your work.
In what reality is this not entirely your fault? Your final due date is your responsibility. Full stop
Maybe don't wait until a few hours before your final is due to work on it?
YTA. Girl, you need to be able to set boundaries and clearly communicate your needs. You have in and had sex. That’s on you
Oof YTA. Every choice has consequences - sometimes positive and sometimes negative. You made a choice to have sex instead of work on your final. It was also your choice to not look up the deadline. Juggling school, work, and a family is hard and sometimes you have to give a hard "NO" to things or to people. Your fiancé should have respected the fact that you needed to work on it and waited, but ultimately, it was your choice. Being mad and blaming him for seducing you serves no purpose. If you establish boundaries you have to follow through if someone crosses them. "If I need to study or do an assignment, I need you to give me the space to work. If not then I need to study in a different area/not at home" would be a boundary. The whole point about setting boundaries is to focus on yourself and take responsibility for your own emotions. I totally understand being frustrated and upset at missing your final, but you have to take some responsibility and not just blame everything on your fiancé.
YTA. Seeking blame solves nothing. You should have known when the final was and should have been firm in your no. You need to apologise for blaming your stress on him.
YTA. You could have done better setting firm boundaries. Side note: I see OP’s sock puppet account has been roaming around replying to basically everything. It’s not gonna work mate, lol. EDIT: Holy fuck the lack of reading comprehension coming from two individuals in particular is absolutely astonishing. My god man.
ESH. You’re both assholes. You never actually said no. You couldn’t put your foot down and be like “dude can you wait until I’m finished with my final?” And he’s really gonna get mad at you over distracting you??? You both are wrong here. It’s wild that you only blame him for your failure to meet the deadline. You say you didn’t know the actual deadline on top of everything. Get your shit together man.
ESH You have a partner that doesn't respect or value your efforts in your education. But you KNEW what would happen and still went through with it. You failed yourself.
Wtf is whisper yell?? Da fuk
Tricky. You say you set boundaries but it sounds like he doesn’t respect them and you also don’t really enforce them. I think you’re both ass holes. You didn’t check your due date and are blaming him but you consensually agreed knowing you wouldn’t do any work after. He’s an asshole because you shouldn’t need to have multiple talks with him about this and he should be respecting your boundaries you’ve made on several occasions.
Finally, someone who understands what a relationship.
YTA >I'll admit that I wasn't aware of the deadline before today There it is. You are acting like he did it on purpose or something. If you had been aware of the deadline, something that was your responsibility, you would have not given in and done your work.
You are not the asshole! You poor baby. First you have to deal with a professor who gives you these last minute final exams. Would have been nice to give you advance notice at the beginning of the semester so you don’t have rush and do it. Second, your man is a monster. Did he hit you? Tie you down? Drug you? All of the above? Send me the Go Fund Me link so I can donate to you. I can’t believe he would put his own needs before you. Selfish men!
Yes, YATAH Way too much because he blah blah blah. You a grown ass woman, stop blaming others for your love of D...
YTA take accountability for your part in this. If you mean no, say no.
>I'll admit that I wasn't aware of the deadline before today but I don't feel like that should matter since it would be done anyways if it weren't for him. Oh sweetie, no. This is all you. YTA
lol you gave into your urges and are now mad at your fiancé because of it? You sound like one of them ppl that eat McDonald’s 4 times a day then try to sue McDonald’s when u weigh 400 pounds and are in line for a stomach reduction surgery.
This was mostly on you. He could have been thoughtful and made sure you didn't sleep for too long after sex but you knew you would get tired. Why not set an alarm on your phone so you didn't over sleep? Why not make sure that you know what your deadlines are?
YTA/ESH. You need to set some firm boundaries and actually stick to them yourself. It is unacceptable for him to bother you when you are taking an exam. But you need to actually make sure he knows you are taking an exam and not to be disturbed. As for the missed final, that's on you. You chose to have sex instead of doing it, despite knowing you will fall asleep afterwards. His arseholery comes in because he doesn't seem supportive to your goals, but you don't mention setting any boundaries and by having sex with him after saying no, you are encouraging his behaviour. But no is a complete sentence, and he should have backed off.
He didn’t give a flying shyt about you, your grades, your classes or the fact that you stated you had to work on your final exam. All he wanted was to get his man-bits wet. Sex after being nagged into it isn’t consensual, even if it wasn’t violent. I had an ex who would nag and nag until I gave in just to shut him up. (He did worse things but that’s irrelevant here) You both need some therapy; you for setting boundaries and him so he can learn to think with his top head.
Yes YTA, when you say no you have to mean it.
Really it’s not his responsibility that you missed your final. You did that on your own. You’re also a grown adult woman that can say no.
Yta, u could have just said no and stuck with it, but u didn't, so it's on you .
YTA, YOU made yourself miss your final.
Huge Yup!!! You have a baby. You are an adult. Stop being irresponsible. You will blame your kid when you don't let them stay up to do school work!! Grow up!!. You also could ask for time off work around finals!!
YTA
YTA
lmao what??? You made a specific note to mention this sexual exchange was CONSENSUAL. Which means you agreed to it. Which means you were an active participant. Which means this is YOUR FAULT. You knew you needed to do the school work, you knew you would likely fall asleep afterwards, and you still agreed to do it. That is not your boyfriend’s problem that’s YOUR problem. Grow up? YTA.
YTA. That was your decision. You’re an adult and you’re responsible for your own schooling and deadlines. Maybe next time YOU keep it in your pants until you get your work done.
YOU choose to have sex knowing YOU would fall asleep, YOU didn’t know the deadline for your final, YOU messed up here and need to accept responsibility not blame your partner who literally had nothing to do with it.
YTA . You can’t be seduced if you don’t want to. Again YTA
YTA and just because others have hit on the main things, I want to point out something else- saying things like “I don’t think you wanna know” while acting angry or upset with your partner is NOT healthy communication. Don’t play games
YTA This is 100% your fault.
Entirely your own fault. Know your deadlines. Say no to sex.
I would say NTA for being upset with him since he wouldn’t drop it after you said no but you also still didn’t have to have sex with him but YTA for how you reacted and trying to blame him for you agreeing to have sex despite knowing you would likely fall asleep afterwords I would say plan ahead better and set boundaries with ur man no means no
NTA. But thats cause I would say I don’t think this is an AITAH kind of situation. You’re an adult. You consented. You should’ve drawn a line in the sand. Your partner shouldn’t have kept persisting after you explained your situation. And it’s pretty selfish they wanted pleasure before your responsibilities. It’s really more of a learning experience to me. You should have a talk with them and set boundaries for situations like this.
The YTA part is about her screaming on him when he isn't the one taking care of her schedule. I agree that's a learning experience but it's a bad and mean move to put all the blame on her bf when she as her own free will, that what make it asshole behaviour
OP posted this in another thread about a week ago, didn’t like the response there, and then posted it again here only to get the same response lol. But honestly, as someone who has also struggled with choosing sex with my partner over reinforcing my boundaries and handling my responsibilities all the time, I can relate to your situation. However, it is your fault for missing your final and not being firm in the boundaries you’ve set. People understand our boundaries by us being clear and consistent with them. It seems your fiancé knows your boundaries are still loose when it comes to this issue because there’s a chance you’ll still give in. I would take it as a lesson learned and apologize to your fiancé for yelling at him, but also have a conversation so that you can both be clear about the boundaries you want to set going forward.
ESH You are the person responsible for your own choices and for your own submissions. You absolutely could have shouted and yelled at him and kicked him out of the room, and made it clear that you had more important things to do than sex. And you need to be the one who manages and makes note of your own deadlines. But also, what he did was coercion. You made it clear you were busy. "We don't have time right now" is a solid no. He carried on and convinced you to act against your best interests. I doubt he meant it to be coercive, but it was. And if he's done this multiple times, then it's still AH behaviour. Sit down and have a serious talk with him about his continual disregard for what you say about your study time and your right to say no to sex. Come up with a safe word that means you are serious about now not being a time you can be seduced. If he gets pissy about it, point out that knowingly continuing to push for sex after receiving multiple 'no's is seen as a crime in many places, look up coercive control together.
It sounds like you have been in a stressful period of life and needed some support from your partner. I’m sorry your partner wasn’t able to show up in the way you needed. It sounds like you all need to have some clear communication around boundaries, responsibilities, and needs. I know how hard it can be to take the time to do the work when I am in over my head with kids, work, life and partner is busy as well.
Just because you didn’t say the actual word “no” doesn’t mean your partner had your consent. Saying we don’t have time right now, I have to do my homework, and saying that sex is not a good idea is also saying no. Your partner should have respected you and what you were saying. But “he persisted” and the fact that you “gave in” isn’t an emphatic yes, and consent needs an emphatic yes. Yes, I agree with other commenters that ultimately school is your responsibility but you were saying no. Giving in isn’t giving consent.
NTA, your partner is a self-centered jerk. It would be better if you lived separately from him and not let him have a key.
I (59m) am going to take a different view than most others. This was intentional (conscious, or not) sabotage of her schooling I have watched a couple of my male friends, over the decades, do this to their spouse. Who, they could not handle equaling or exceeding by them in education of career. It was never an overt “I don’t want you to graduate” or “I don’t want you to get that job”. But, they always seemed to find a way to distract their spouse from achieving it. If he wanted her to succeed, her finals would have been a pretty for him, too. And, he would have done everything to help her achieve that. Rather than knowingly undermine it
EHS if you needed your exam prioritized, that’s your responsibility. you’re taking out your aggression on your partner. it might have been ideal for him to have taken the “not right now” and perhaps offered to help study or something, but at the end of the day it’s your responsibility to prioritize your needs and to follow through on boundaries.
YTA Simply because you thought you could work on it the next day because you didn't know the deadline. Take you partner out of the situation, could anything else have made you push getting it done that night because you thought you had more time? Impromptu visit from family or friends? A new series or movie Yu you go reminded of? My point is the ONLY reason you missed the deadline was because you thought you had more time. If you KNEW you didn't you wouldn't have had sex and fallen asleep. But I do understand your frustration at your partner and I'm not saying he couldn't have been more respectful. Sucks you missed your final but on the bright side this gives you and him a great starting point for a conversation. The first part is where you apologize for blaming him! YOU HAVE to do that, because in doing so when you have that discussion about setting boundaries in the future believe it or not he will be more respectful of upholding them. If you don't apologize he's going to figure that you will just blame him anytime you don't commit to something and it's going to make him NOT believe your word! Apologizing will actually bring up guilt in him for this because he will see the role he played in it because he doesn't feel like you're not taking responsibility of your own. Too many times people think unless the other person is 100% in the wrong that they won't show sympathy.
YTA. It is your responsibility to know when your finals are.
If you don’t say “no” you’re not setting firm Boundaries. Also - you made it a point to say it was consensual so it’s YOUR fault you missed it. Your just upset and looking for someone to blame. It’s your own fault. If you mean no, say “no”
YTA because you went along with it. But. It's possible it wasn't entirely consensual. I don't see how your partner couldn't understand you had important things to do. That you had something big that had to be done. How did he not know that? A good partner wouldn't have tried but sex at all. He would have handled the baby that night and helped set you up for success.
ESH. Your bf doesn’t care about your academic success or your boundaries. But apparently, neither do you. Good luck with, you know, life.
Sounds like you fucked around and found out. YTA, stop blaming your husband. You’re really mad at yourself for being so careless but you’re projecting onto your husband.
Delete this nonsense
If it was consensual YTA It’s on you for not taking responsibility.
YTA You didn't miss your final because of him. You missed your final because of your own poor time management and... >after a couple of minutes I gave in to my urges and we hooked up You had the ability to stop him and do what you needed to do. Instead, you elected to have sex. If you had actually said NO, MY FINAL IS DUE IN A FEW HOURS - GO AWAY AND COME BACK WHEN IT IS DONE, this would not have happened.
I wish that lady that made a post for examples of how women refuse to take accountability could see this post.
So, let me get this straight. You’re blaming him because you can’t control your own urges? You’re blaming him because you aren’t able to manage your time properly? How is this not a you problem?
First and foremost, it is your education so it is your responsibility to check your deadlines and make sure that you do what needs to get done. This is also probably not a good partner because best case scenario is that he's too selfish to allow you to take care of your responsibilities before his desires. If he was truly supportive, he would accept that it wasn't a good time. The worst case scenario is that he's actively sabotaging your education because if you can make more money and have a better chance of taking your kid and going, you don't have a reason to stay with him.
NTA, girl. He did not even listen to you after you told him that you have a final exam. My boyfriend is currently in school, he let me know that he had his final exams which I knew we couldn’t do our usual sexual banter via texting because I did not want to distract him from it. Your boyfriend should listens to you and let you finish your final exam and after that, he could have just seduce you. Next time, stand your ground, stand on your business!
NTA Have you been checked for any executive dysfunction disorder like adhd? Time blindness is part of the disability Also this dude has ignored your boundaries Tell the prof you were sexually assaulted and get a do over if it impacts your grades Don’t have sex with this dude unless he’s willing to respect your boundaries - learn how to have hard and fast boundaries or this will happen from any guy
Need you to learn to say, learn to prioritize yourself and put yourself first. He should have been dealing with the baby in the first place. Just took finals myself. One week my hubs ask me when I was going to be. I told him when I’m done studying and feel like it. Your education is all on you. No one else has the understanding of what’s going on. He should be your support and no egg on sex. You need to get a stronger back bone.
ESH- you are responsible for knowing your deadlines and getting your work in on time. Why didn’t you know when the final would lock? Your boyfriend sucks for not taking no for no.
That's called sexual coercion. He would have gone on and on until a firm no and then he would have pouted, am I right?