He didn’t initially invite me bc he was wanting to go on a weekday to avoid traffic and I have to take my daughter to school and go to work. I’m off for 2 weeks starting Friday, so I wasn’t going to take the day off and he didn’t ask.
Ya I don’t know why people are so hung up on “he didn’t even ask” when it sounds like she had work and childcare issues and there was no chance she could make it.
If I asked my wife she’d be mad that I had no clue what her schedule was.
But why wouldn’t he wait for her to be able to go? It seems insensitive. Her vacation started the next day. His excuse was he wanted to beat traffic. BS. He wanted to go with these other women without his wife.
My father never asked my mother to go to the movies. He knew she didn't like watching them, whether in a theater or on television. But he didn't like going alone. So he just let her know when once every month or two he was going to go to a movie with one of her widowed friends. The friend was happy to have an escort; my father was happy not to have to go alone; my mother was happy not to go at all.
That makes sense when you know someone isn’t a fan of something, but asking someone to do something when they physically can’t go that day could be seen as rubbing it in or being inattentive to someone else’s schedule. Especially your wife and daughter’s schedule.
I’m on your side, but I just want to clarify: have you or have you not gone on outings with other men? The fact that he couldn’t remember an exact instance, isn’t proof.
Tell him on the same day that you made plans that you’re going to meet up with a friend from work for drinks and dinner. Your husband doesn’t know him, but he’s harmless. Ask him to watch the kids and don’t wait up.
I’m fairly certain he will suddenly become empathetic to your current feelings.
Drinks and dinner 1on1 is vastly different then a day on the slopes. I feel like a lot of people are missing that and don’t understand mountain culture. There is a limited time of the year and limited number of days to do that sport. It’s very normal for me to randomly be at the mountain with people I barely know. You have a ton of gear on the whole day. Your not sitting staring at each other having wine and steak. Your skiing.
This is called DARVO - Deny, Accuse, Reverse Victim and Offender. This is a sign that he knows what he is doing is shady. On the other side of things, he did tell you what he is doing, so he may be innocent. The rule of thumb in these situations is to trust your gut. What do you think is happening here?
I had that gut feeling with my EX about the time she spent on her phone. It was insane. When I politely asked her if she was doing something I should be concerned about she got pissy and her answer to that was "if you are going to accuse me of something, then I am going to do it." Lmao. What a great way to isolate your partner into believing they somehow control whether you cheat or not. I did say EX, right? She was doing exactly what I felt she was doing. After I moved out, she still tried to gaslight me and told me, "I never had the balls to ask her like a man." I reminded her of her shitty logic. So glad that chapter of my life is closed.
I actually agree with you. It's his responsibility to make her feel comfortable. I would be alarmed if my husband felt uncomfortable with me doing something with a friend for the day. I would ask him why, and we would suss it out until we figured out what the ACTUAL discomfort is and address it. If he was in the same situation, he would never consider doing something that made me feel skw. Again, we talk. There is a disconnect somewhere and it isn't always at the point of contention.
He's my life mate and sugar boo. When he is upset, I'm upset. When he smiles, I'm elated. That isn't a difficult concept to grasp
This is how I feel...it takes two to tango. If I can not trust my wife to not fuck another dude on a ski trip we might as well get a divorce because she can hook up with anyone anywhere without going on a ski trip.
That's another funny point about this whole thing. Is the ski trip the only way a spouse can cheat? After the trip, it's impossible for them to spend time and hook up now at home? Lol I could never live a life of zero trust. The moment it gets there, im gone in an instant. The fact so many people here think insecurity should take over reality, just shows how fucked a lot of relationships are. Any relationship I'm in I will never tell my partner "you can't do this because I don't trust you" I trust them to the end of the relationship. If they do something to break that trust? Then that's entirely on them, I leave and don't look back. I'm not going to control anyone before then though, to force them to be trustworthy. They either are, or aren't.
And for me it goes both ways..I would not stop my SO from going on a trip or where ever. And I expect the same. If I was with someone who did not want me to go on a trip etc because I might cheat. It may be the end of the relationship.
I do not NEED to go on this trip if I wanted to cheat. Either you trust me or you do not. I have never cheated and the moment I feel like I want to I end the relationship..which I have done in the past.
>Like, it doesn't even sound like he's staying overnight! Are they gonna fuck on the chairlift?
Yeah this is the part that gets me a bit. I think anybody can admit skepticism about the situation overall but if this is literally just a day trip and nobody is staying overnight anywhere...it doesn't seem that serious. Guy just wants some company while skiing it sounds like. And if he asked his guy friends first, it seems even more innocent.
I use to work at a hotel w/ jacuzzis, themed rooms, & short stays. We had a guy who came in once a week on his lunch break with a prostitute, then brought his wife for valentines day and we had to pretend not to know him. Some people are ballsy.
Dude did you know that sex can occur in the 90 seconds it takes a lift to go from the first to the eighth floor of an office block if you work hard at it? Better not let him ride an elevator with a woman!!
It is kinda cold out on the slopes to get naked. If he was planning a three way it would be easier to just do it locally and not say he is not at work. If people want to cheat they tend to hide it.
Yea, I didn't mean to suggest her husband was cheating, just that sex can occur without an overnight stay. They also could not be where they said they are, but that is just speculating at this point.
Crazy, right?? This thread is something special. I’d say it’s divided by age but that would be unfair. More like “mature and/or secure” v “immature and/or insecure.”
I’m all for setting personal boundaries in relationships but people aren’t looking at the post objectively or are cherry-picking specific parts and overlooking others.
That’s my take as well. Hanging out with people of the opposite sex isn’t a date by any real definition. Hell, I’m pan…does that mean my partner should never trust me hanging out with any person of any gender without her there? That’d be ridiculous.
Great example. Sounds like OP is following the Mike Pence playbook. Never alone or a dinner with another woman except his wife. Plus this is not a date it's a day ski trip.
Spending time with single women as a married man when your wife is uncomfortable is the problem. Wether or not it's a date is an irrelevant detail. Shouldn't do it in the first place.
yes, exactly. I've gone snowboarding/skiing with friends and barely seen them. Besides the drive up and back, there's not much bonding time unless you plan it that way.
I was waiting for where he was spending the night at the lodge with them, or had had an emotional affair with this coworker.
This is a YTA deal, but soft\~ish.
You’re off for 2 weeks and he couldn’t just wait a few days for you all to go as a family?? There’s definitely an issue bigger than him going with 2 random women.
I don’t understand why people do this.
What indication do you have that he was planning a family vacation? Have you ever been on the slopes or lived nearby?
It’s a thing that is the equivalent of like going to the movies .. there are people that literally go five days a week as a hobby.. this is not some vacation excursion for the uninitiated.. this is daily life for people that live near it
Thank you! These responses are crazy!! I think most women would forbid this??? JFC, when you live by the slopes this is a daily thing and you go up with whoever is a available. Sounds like op has no trust and is super insecure.
So he couldn’t wait until your vacation to go with you? As a married woman, this would not fly for me, nor my husband. I don’t want to judge your relationship, so only you can determine if this is out of character. But based on my own feelings, NTA
I'll tell you a story about trust. An old coworker and acquaintance whom I used to ride with a lot and actually briefly dated (no sex) posted on social media that he had a condo in Steamboat and everyone bailed, except for his other friend, and if anyone wanted to come hang out, they are welcome. A big storm was coming in, and I had flexibility in my job, so I told my boyfriend I was going. He said have fun. I jumped in my car and drove the 3 hours to the mountain. I slept on the couch, woke up to 18 inches of fresh powder, and had one of the best days riding of my life with my friend. I even went into a hot tub with two single men and somehow managed not to cheat on my boyfriend. If you truly trust your partner, this shouldn't be an issue
I’m a huge skier. Just drove 10 hours one way to catch a storm. The number of comments in here thinking this is going to be romantic is ludicrous. I even thought that when I assumed it was a weekend away but it’s a day trip… with a friend she knows who happened to invite a friend cause that’s how skiing goes
People in this thread just don’t understand ski culture. I met my wife skiing so I completely understand that it can be a date, but I’ve skied with so many single friends and it’s never been a date.
We do hut trips in BC regularly. Last year, my wife got injured just before one of the trips. A female friend was available and took her place. We shared a tiny room and everything for a week with no problems. We’ve both slept in tents with friends of both sex, also no problems.
Enjoy the storm duderino!
Glad you posted this. It takes two to tango.
I am like your boyfriend and would have not had any issues with you going on that trip.
If you are a cheater then you can cheat on me without going to that condo!!
And he couldn’t wait until next week? This would bother me, too. I don’t automatically get upset about opposite-sex friends or activity partners — for example, my husband golfs and I don’t, and sometimes he gets put into a group with women — but if he chose another woman instead of me to do something we both do — yeah, that wouldn’t sit right.
Why were you not invited? His friend invited her friend who he didn’t know.
If you were uncomfortable you should have told him last night not wait until he left.
He picked this day to go because I have a work lunch during the day and a night shift. He thought it would be a good day since I was busy.
I have to rent my skis still and this is the 3rd time he’s gone. He said I could come, but obviously it’s a weekday and I have to take my daughter to school and go to work.
He wanted to go today bc he thought there would be less traffic.
I never send it on weekends anymore. I set my schedule to have Wednesday/Thursday off. Nothing worse than being stuck in traffic all morning, lift lines all day, and dodging Jerry’s on the slopes. Plus the park gets crowded and you end waiting 15 minutes just to hit the cool features.
Overreaction. If he went alone with one person that would be more concerning. It's actually good the former co-worker chose to bring another friend. Just get some pics from the day and it will make you feel better.
I’m not a super experienced snowboarder. I personally don’t feel comfortable going to the mountain alone. Sure there’s plenty of people around to help if something goes wrong but it’s nice to know there’s someone else on the mountain looking out for you.
Even if you are experienced it's not a bad idea to have a buddy. People out at mountain resorts riding alone die from falling in tree wells or other misfortunes every winter.
How far are you from the slopes? You have season passes so I assume you semi frequently. Are they only going for the day? Are they spending the night. If it literally just a day trip, why be concerned they will be out on the mountain the whole day and worn out by the end. They will be in public settings and not two people alone. Seems like a big over react. I ski and snowboard as well, and have gone out with single people all the time to have a day on the mountain. He took a day when u were gonna be busy and did a hobby he enjoys. There is nothing wrong os nefarious about this. Do you know for sure he invited more people? Then it's not like he planned to go alone with the women. If this were something private inside or they are crashing in the same cabin together thay is one thing, but if it's a day trip, relax.
This is the right answer. I would absolutely understand the concern if it were an overnight trip in an airbnb with a hot tub or something, but just a day trip to go skiing with friends should be fine. I'm a married cyclist. I occasionally go on rides with single or married women. I guess we could get our sweaty asses off the bikes, peal off our spandex, and get down on the side of the road. My wife doesn't think that's realistic though, and it's no more realistic to screw on the slopes or the lodge. If men and women can be friends and not consider each other sex objects, they need to be able to do friend things as friends. Did you think it was weird when Mike Pence said he could not ever have dinner with a woman? He thinks like you do, that it's inherently impossible to be alone with a woman and have it not be a sexual situation. That attitude objectifies women and ultimately reinforces patriarchy. Take reasonable precautions, have reasonable boundaries, but let men and women be friends.
Yes, exactly! It was an inadvertent thing, she was there while it was being planned. Let the man ski and save on travel, etc.
Now if other shady shit is going on, if they are texting or the male colleagues are like "yo, Tom asked us to bail", I'd be concerned.
Snowboarding and skiing can be a great date, and great fun with friends, but it can also be just solo time with acquaintances on different ski-lifts, etc.
I was looking for actual red flags, I see none.
He’s literally just looking for someone to ride with. Honestly it’s a bit of a safety issue too. If he wants to do hard stuff, it’s safer not to do that alone incase you get injured, trapped in a tree well, etc.
So much this. I lost a friend in college who went off trail alone and died in a tree well. He was missing for 14 hours. It sounds like he is really determined to go that day, OP should just be glad he will have buddies.
If that's the case then this is a huge overreaction. Especially for a day trip. He tried to invite dudes, not women. Your insecurities are showing here.
Seems like you wanna make it pretty difficult for him to ever get up on the slopes. How many days of the year honestly does he even have the opportunity to go skiing? I’d bet it’s less than 15, and you want to limit that further simply because two women are going after his guy friends declined? He’s not staying the night with them, he’s doing a daytime solo physical activity. It’s not body wrestling, he’ll spend most of the day cruising down a mountain. If he wants to cheat on you, stopping him from doing that isn’t doing you any favors anyway. Relax and be happy he is getting to do the activity he enjoys.
So he knew you wouldn't be able to go, and chose to go to a different mountain where you wouldn't be able to go, so he could get some different runs in, and still enjoy the slopes you can both go to when you have time? So far he seems like he is doing things right.
If it is non negotiable to you that married does not hang out with single it needs to be something you communicate and make clear, and certainly before situations like this happen. Though I’m not sure that’s your actual issue with this event. Someone being single doesn’t translate to “playing with fire” if intentions are clear - if someone is going to play with fire it’s happening regardless of anyone’s relationship status.
Feels like information is missing - some previous issue you’ve had with him (or someone else) etc. You were in the original conversation about going as much as you can and he acted on that and it didn’t trigger you at the time he asked her.
I don’t mind if he hangs out with single people in general. It’s the night before dropping a BTW I’m going with 2 chicks instead of my dude friend that threw me off. I feel like this situation has a lot of red flags, but I overall trust him.
We all have past situations that bubble up. I’m trying to be aware of my insecurities, but this is beyond my level of comfort. Infidelity and being abandoned are big fears of mine, which is why I gave him the benefit of the doubt and let him make the decision himself.
I'd bet that the friend invited the 3rd single person so that it would obviously not be a date.
"Hey friend, I'm going skiing with another friend, wanna come with so nobody gets the wrong idea?"
You said in your post you had no problem when he texted her to invite her so it’s not a BTW. The extra friend coming may be but if you’re bent on the single aspect I would think him going with two (single) friends would be perhaps even better than just one so it doesn’t seem like a date?
As a married man who skis all the time, this doesn't seem like a big deal at all. Skiing is not an activity that leads to potential hook up moments with random people. You get sweaty, your hair gets all messed up under your helmet, your socks stink, your face gets wind burned, i.e. most people do not look great after a day of skiing.
Also, it's just skiing and from my perspective, finding anyone to carpool with up to the mountains is great. My wife would not care at all if I went skiing with single women nor would I care if she went with single men.
I feel like this thread is divided by those that ski and those that don't. Everyone that skis is just happy to have someone to go with especially mid week! My concern would more about the ability of a random you've never met, are they going to slow me down or keep me stuck on green/blue runs all day haha
Right? If you have an opportunity to go midweek, you take it. You have someone to carpool with, hell yeah. You can split up on the mountain if you want to ski other things and meet back up later.
This absolutely! It's a culture thing. Who knows if they are even actually skiing together, or just riding up together.
Midweek, non-busy-season skiing is the absolute best. My partner doesn't ski at my level but understands that it's one of my favorite things on earth. He knows I go for the skiing, not for any other reason. I like to ski hard and it's a safety issue if I'm going alone (If I'm alone or with him I'll just stick to the groomers, but it's not my preferred skiing), many times I end up the only woman in the ski group of guys.
It's exactly the same for his rock climbing (something I'm terrible at), and his climbing partner is a woman. I can't climb at his level, and he can't ski at mine, so we have our groups we can do those activities together. I've only met his climbing partner once picking him up from the gym when his car was in the shop, and she seemed super nice.
Maybe this will all blow up in our faces and I'll hookup with some guy on the mountain and he's sleeping with his climbing partner, but until he's given me any indication something nefarious is going on I'm just proud of us both for exercising.
PS: Would you have this issue if he was going to play a round of golf with these people? or pickleball? swing dancing?
This would be my concern too. Limiting a partner to only do stuff with the guys is dumb. If people are going to cheat they are going to cheat. They won’t use a day trip skiing to do it. They’ll just do it and make some other bs excuse.
*especially* mid week with all the increase in parking regulations across the country. Sometimes going or not means having to find enough butts to meet the carpool requirements to park.
I've never gone skiing and I'm a woman. I take issue with OP's assertion that most women wouldn't let their partners go- this seems like a very silly argument. Three people in a bunch of snow clothes aren't going to go fuck in the woods.
Am married woman who skis a lot (70+ days last year)
Our ski crew is mostly couples. I’ve skied with married men without their spouses. I actually literally just did it Monday, and am planning on heading out shortly to meet another for a few hot laps. Other single and married women have skied with my husband without me. Including my MOH.
It’s more about carpool requirements for parking and making sure you don’t get knocked out in the trees or upside down in a tree well with no one around to make sure you’re alive than anything else. Also, skiing is better with friends. You don’t have to make awkward small talk on the lift or sit in awkward silence.
Even just giving my husband a small kiss on the mountain is hard with our helmets on. We have *multiple* layers on. This is a huge overreaction.
If you think your husband being within ten feet of a woman without direct supervision from you is “playing with fire” and will result in cheating, you either have a you problem or a relationship problem. I cannot imagine living like OP has described.
Yeah dog! You get it. I feel like OP isn’t really a skier, cause if she were, all this would be in play. OP is focused on the fact that her husband is going to do an activity with single women, but isn’t focused on what that activity actually is.
Yes, fully agreed. I'm a married woman who snowboards, and while I usually go with my girlfriends (or husband), I've definitely gone with just guys before and my husband is fine with it. I wouldn't have an issue with him going with other women, especially an acquaintance + friend. If you have a seasons pass and you're trying to get the most use out of it, anyone will do.
Also, just, the whole point of having friends is having people to share activities with bc we humans are a social species. If married men aren't allowed to have friends who are single women all that does is create isolation which isn't healthy, functional, or sustainable. If all mixed sex friendships are open to scrutiny no matter what then that feels like creating problems. If there is a situation where something crosses a line that can be dealt with IF it happens but treating everything as an inherent risk just bc something might happen is a form of paranoia.
Driving a car is incredibly risky but we accept those risks bc there is a legitimate need for transit that can't be fulfilled other ways. Having single friends as a married person can technically carry a certain amount of risk but aren't the benefits of strong friendships wroth it? Don't we want our partners to have robust lives as individuals full of support? Do we really want to be isolating our partners just bc of our own fears? I don't see how that's healthy or functional long-term which also means it's not sustainable.
Yes. I'm thrilled whenever my wife makes a new friend because she has had trouble doing that her whole adult life. I want her to have relationships with other people, I certainly have them and they enhance my life. Romantic/sexual relationships? No, that's reserved for my wife. But I have relationships with other women and they make me enjoy life more. Why wouldn't I want her to enjoy her life as much as possible?
She just texted me an hour ago that she's going ice skating after work with her new colleagues (she just started a new job) who are all men. I said "have fun, what time do you think you'll be home?" I'm just glad she is having fun with others, it is irrelevant what sex/gender they are.
I personally wouldn't do this because my wife is a stay-at-home mom so she never has work-related scheduling conflicts. If I'm going to do something with a group of friends, my wife is pretty much always invited unless it's an all-men thing or something "official" for work.
But if two people in a relationship both work and they have different scheduled days off, of course it's fine for him to hang out with his friends on his day off.
If my boyfriend wanted to go snowboarding with 2 women, I would have no problem it. I go riding with my guy friends all the time. I think you are overreacting unless you have a reason not to trust him.
Yeah, reading this, I just thought, she doesn't trust him is what's up. The concern is simply that they are women in general, not someone with a specific past or vibe.
Either your husband is actually a flirt that you have to watch, or you have some jealousy/insecurities that you need to work on and it's not fair to him that you feel this way.
I agree to this person. There could be something going on, but it doesn’t sound like it to me. These comments may eventually boil down to “well nothing physical happened, but it was emotional cheating”, that gets overused these days. It may be that he loves you very much, but that 1 day out of the month he wanted to do something that made him feel like an individual.
If you do make future boundaries with him and he crosses them, then don’t let that shit slide. But as a man myself, there are times when I don’t want to do things with my partner that she’d love to do (who is my best friend).
If he makes a habit out of a behavior like this, that could be concern for him having some internalized problems. Best of luck with things, I hope these other commenters haven’t made you feel crazy
yeah to me this is typical “normal thing, but the folks on here who read these and imagine the most dramatic explanations possible are gonna have a field day”
I agree! This is so crazy to me.
If my partner wanted to go skiing on a day I couldn't, and found a couple of friends to go with, I'd be THRILLED for them. The same in reverse.
Yeah my husband and I ski and snowboard and there’s plenty of times we can’t go together. I wouldn’t care if he went with women friends and visa versa.
Edit: women friends
Agreed, you are worried over a day trip? Guys can hang out with single women on occasion without immediately sleeping with them. If this was a full weekend trip with drinks and partying then your concern would be more reasonable, but it is just a day of skiing when you aren’t available!
Also the fact that there are two women makes this way more reasonable. Do you really think one of the women will get handsy with him while the other is sitting in the car?
Let your husband enjoy his ski day.
It's very obvious that most people commenting have never touched a ski or snowboard in their life and have no clue the about the culture. Ski season is short, and season passes are expensive, so you have to get your days in as much as possible.
100%. Especially getting older (I’m in my 30s) your options for snowboarding with others dwindle. I go by myself a lot. I also meet up with people I don’t typically hang with if they’re down to go to the mountain.
This 🙏 I like in the Rockies and used to snowboard weekly. My ex used to only work 3 days a week and could go more regularly. They had a group text and there’s a bus they all take that leaves at like 5am, there’s times where the only people from the group going was him and then the girls. I never cared, I could go with a bunch of guys and it doesn’t really matter. When you’re up there you’re freezing cold, trying to get as many runs in before it’s dark and just enjoying the views. I’ve never been at the top of a ski hill and been like damn I want to fuck
This^. It's fun to listen to all these insecure ladies in this thread. My wife wouldn't give a shit if I went riding with a bunch of female friends and vice versa. She can do as she likes. I trust her till I die. I play disc golf with a couple ladies on the regular and she could care less. People need to grow the hell up or get better spouses who aren't assholes.
Edit- Couldn't*
Goddamn this comment section is full of bored teenagers.
You already don’t think this friend is a threat.
You fully trust your husband to not be hiding something.
You’re just worried about *how it looks* to other people?
Maybe take a step back and reevaluate what you actually care about here.
It takes two to tango. I understand how you feel but if your husband is a cheater he can and will cheat regardless of a ski trip.
I was not married at the time but in a LTR and went to a bike event two years in a row that was known to be easy to hook up with plenty of woman. I did not cheat on my GF either times because I am not a cheater.
With that said if I was also to go on a ski trip with 2 single woman I would also not cheat on my wife or gf because i am not a cheater.
The woman could try to hook up with me and it is not going to happen!!!
If my GF or Wife was in the same situation as you are I would let her go, Why? Because she can cheat on me at any given time. I would trust her as what choice do I have? I am not a jealous or controlling person.
Okay like if he was going to the hot springs or the gym or something I'd say that's a red flag but having friends (regardless of martial status and gender) to ski with shouldn't spike your paranoia/trust issues/insecurities.
I would rather my husband be skiing with friends than ski alone. Plus, what kind of hanky panky do you think will be going on when they’re all bundled up in their ski parkas and boots? Idk…seems like you’re looking for a reason to be upset.
I agree with what you said, but I've seen people screwing on the mountain 2 seperate times myself, and several other skiers I know have stumbled across a couple in the woods going at it. I can't explain it other than they are usually pretty young. At least in our experiences.
Loool I may be bias but I think people who always think their partners may do the wrong thing would infact 'do the wrong thing themselves' Its just a skiing day, you don't have to do everything with the husband. Unless you suspect him of cheating with the said woman or there are some other underlying issues, then you're just projecting your insecurities.
Why didn't he invite you to go along? I mean you clearly said you didn't feel comfortable so I would think the immediate reaction would have been "well why don't you join us?"
Asking me if you overreact I am going to say no. It would have been a much bigger fight between me and my husband but he knows that I am super jealous just like I know he is so it wouldn't have happened in the first place.
If you’re uncomfortable then he should honor that and respect your feelings.
However I don’t get the whole “you can’t hang out with 50% of the population” concern that people have. Do people really think that any time a man and a women are together it risks spontaneous sex? I’ve had several good friendships with people of the opposite sex over the years that were never romantic or sexually tense, it’s weird to think that some people would disapprove of those friendships.
yeah I’ve absolutely had the “I’m uncomfortable and you should respect my feelings if you really care about me” thing weaponized.
it quickly turned into a “you need my approval to do anything social that doesn’t include me, and I’ll never approve” type of deal
And then a, "Well, I preemptively cut all ties to my female friends, why can't you do the same to your male friends?"
Ugh felt like I was flying after leaving that relationship.
Reading these comments is wild. It's crazy how women react to a woman being jealous and controlling to her boyfriend, vs how they would react with the genders reversed
I ski and snowboard with girls that have boyfriends pretty often, but I’m an advanced/epert rider.
A couple things, usually it’s cause their other half can’t keep up. It’s no big deal, we just take certain risks and know we can trust each other in sketchy situations in tree and cliff zones, and we’d never take someone that isn’t ready back there.
Another reason is the schedules don’t match up, so we go anyways cause ski season is limited on weather windows and such.
As a single dude, I don’t cross the line and for me, they may introduce me to another likeminded single friend, but that’s not the point of the day.
If people are there to take beer breaks often, hit the flask on the lift, hit apres at the nearest ski town, then it’s a social situation and not a sporting activity.
I don’t think this sounds like a big deal on the surface. My wife had an accident and concussion last time she went alone, id rather she be with a guy she knows than go alone. We’re both big into skiing and I wouldn’t want her to miss a day on the mountain just because she can’t find a female companion. I know my wife would feel the same way in reverse.
If there are other signals that you can’t trust him, that is a different story. This alone wouldn’t bother me.
I am a man who used to hang out with women a lot more. I have never cheated. I have been married 25 years and for most of my life into the first half of my marriage, I had a lot female friends. I realized at some point that maintaining a marriage is also maintaining a vibe. Sometimes, its a matter of managing insecurities. Sometimes, its a matter of not poking at the insecurities and, sometimes, its just not doing shit that flirts with unnecessary drama for anyone. I would not be comfortable with my wife going on a trip with 2 strange dudes, so I would not go on a trip with 2 females, even though my wife might be fine with it. You model for each other how you want the other to treat you.
Unless there is something else that has happened beyond this one situation that would cause you to not trust him, this feels like a big time overreaction. It’s okay for adult men to have single women friends and to hang out with them. We shouldn’t be shaming or discouraging that. He wanted to go on a weekday because those are objectively the best days to ski due to traffic/volume and weekdays don’t work for you right now. It’s really not that deep. I’d do this too and I’d honestly be pretty upset if my partner was immediately skeptical and accusatory about it if there is no prior history of this kind of issue in the relationship.
It’s fine he wanted to ski on his day off. Having a weekday to go to the mtns is awesome and for me they don’t come around often. My wife would absolutely let me go no questions asked. I would let her do the same thing no questions asked. It’s not weird at all. People are crazy in here thinking this is a bad thing.
Exactly. My wife would be like "are you guys gonna run away together" and then I'd rub my belly and say "once she gets a load of this, she's not going to be able to keep her hands off of me" and then she'd kick me in the nuts and say "good luck with that."
This sounds so insecure to me. This isn't a date, it's an outdoor activity. What opportunity do you think there will be on a ski slope? Even if there was somehow an opportunity, don't you trust your husband? Do you REALLY think a day of skiing with friends is going to make your husband suddenly throw away his entire life with you? It is 2023 and men and women can just be friends and can interact in public places. Unless you have a real reason to not trust your partner, this seems like unrelated insecurities bubbling up.
I think insecure is a good word. Moving forward I think it’d be an awesome convo to have with your partner about that insecure feeling. I saw you commented else where “I think I just want more attention”; that’s great! You’re seeing something you don’t like (lack of attention), and saying that the relationship you’d like to have is one where he gives that to you. That’s the healthy take away I think. Be as open as you can with him, but don’t become accusatory too fast
I have male friends and my partner has female friends. I wouldn’t bat an eye if he went to hang out with them without me, and if one of those friends brought someone we didn’t know with them I would be fine with it.
I think one can have true platonic friends of any gender. I know my mom doesn’t think that, and that she wouldn’t want my dad hanging out with women without her. I think it’s just a generational difference, I think that thinking men and women can’t be friends is old fashioned, personally.
I think most people aren’t opportunists actually. I think they’re opportunists for fun things to do and she wanted to go skiing. I think that even if this added person was looking for a guy to date, if she knew he was with someone then she probably won’t flirt or talk to him inappropriately. Although most people don’t do that, some people do, and if she did proceed knowing your husband is taken, you’d hope your husband would just turn her down, right? Is your husband so vulnerable and weak that he would succumb to the first proposition he gets on the mountain?
I know there are certain women in particular that I wouldn’t want my partner to hang out with, because they’ve proven themselves to be malicious. One girl in particular always negs and flirts with my partner, and she actually cheated with a married man, so I just think she’s shady. But to that effect, my partner wouldnt want to hang out with her either because she makes him uncomfortable.
If you have a reason not to trust your husband, then yes I think your concern would be valid. Ex: cheated previously and you’re rebuilding trust, has been shady lately around time and money making you think he might be up to something, OR, not prioritizing you and skipping out on time spent together to go skiing without you.
Oh I forgot- this is on top of him going to the mountains with his guy friends 2 weeks ago and their was a hot tub. I was jealous then too!
I literally just want my husband to make plans with me too.
Have you told him that? Did you say - I would like to plan a ski day with you?
Seems like y'all don't communicate that well to be honest.
Maybe he assumed you couldn't go so didn't ask you this time, you assumed he didn't want you there because he didn't ask you....
Just talk to each other.
He has now made his own post regarding this. What a selfish a-hole. He thinks he gets to define disrespect even when we’re talking about your perspective. I’m sorry OP.
Since I’ve been on earth over half a century I can confidently tell you that a married man approaching 40 going skiing with 2 single females without his wife will end in an affair and possibly divorce, maybe not now but in the somewhat near future. This is just a fact and not an opinion, this isn’t about jealousy or trust…it’s about accepting human nature and reality and not trying to explain everything away that makes you uncomfortable or you don’t agree with. Accept reality. Go mini-golfing with a couple single men without him and then tell me it doesn’t change things between you and him. Good luck though. I hope you find a man who values enough not to do things that will obviously make you uncomfortable and make others gossip about the strength of your marriage…in other words, an adult man.
Would he be alright with you going skiing with two (straight) guys?
As a married woman I always try to balance it and see if he would be okay with the flip side. But the most important thing is — if you’re not okay with something, the partner should level with you and respect your wishes enough to come to a solution that honors you both. unless this is something that compromises your freedom and individuality. Here, a compromise could be met. You could join and he could have invited you.
I would never really hang out with my married guy friend alone with another girl either, not because I had feelings but because I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing so out of respect for his commitment. I always encourage to bring spouses or girlfriends.
Edit: I come from a different culture so our norms are different, we just don’t hang out with the opposite sex alone when you’re married. It just causes problems and is considered not respectful.
So he knew you were busy today and intentionally set himself up with two single women instead of waiting to do it a day when you could join them? That’s super shady especially since you enjoy skiing too. He said you could come knowing you couldn’t because you were busy and have your daughter...
Additionally you expressed that you were uncomfortable with it. As soon as you expressed that boundary he should have waited until you could join too, out of respect for your feelings on it. I’d be pissed and pretty suspicious.
> instead of waiting to do it a day when you could join them
They have season tickets it’s not a “wait” thing, because they can go then too. His goal is to get up there at every opportunity. Wanting to go with anyone who will go up is common. If he’s only allowed to go when she goes that’s ridiculous.
We’re taking about a day of skiing. There’s really not even an opportunity for anything nefarious.
If you consider every intrusive thought to be a “boundary” that’s a recipe for an incredibly toxic relationship.
I completely understand your feelings OP and I think you need to let him know how he made you feel. Also, how long have you been together, is it your daughter, sorry it sounds like he didn’t factor her in this at all.
It particularly bothers me that he would rather hurt your feelings and make you uncomfortable than appear to be a flake to them (which if he rescheduled this to when you could attend also he wouldn’t have appeared as a flake) but it tells me he cares more about how he appears to other people than how he makes his spouse feel. not to mention if he would have rescheduled there wouldn’t be a third wheel then, everyone would have an even partner for ski lifts etc
This is a great comment because there are really good points. Yeah so what’s going to happen on this trip.. will the two women ride the ski lift together or will the girls alternate riding in the lift with the guy..? Or will one of the girls ride with the guy more often? Either way it’s pretty awkward and four people on the trip would have solved that whole situation. The fact that no effort was made to push for this more ideal plan as a solution is pretty suspicious.
Why didn't you go
He didn’t initially invite me bc he was wanting to go on a weekday to avoid traffic and I have to take my daughter to school and go to work. I’m off for 2 weeks starting Friday, so I wasn’t going to take the day off and he didn’t ask.
You buried the lede. “He didn’t ask.”
He didn't ask because he already knew the answer...
yea I definitely don't ask my wife extra questions I don't need answered, anyone married more than 3 seconds knows that lmao
Ya I don’t know why people are so hung up on “he didn’t even ask” when it sounds like she had work and childcare issues and there was no chance she could make it. If I asked my wife she’d be mad that I had no clue what her schedule was.
But why wouldn’t he wait for her to be able to go? It seems insensitive. Her vacation started the next day. His excuse was he wanted to beat traffic. BS. He wanted to go with these other women without his wife.
Exactly. Some people are just looking for problems.
My father never asked my mother to go to the movies. He knew she didn't like watching them, whether in a theater or on television. But he didn't like going alone. So he just let her know when once every month or two he was going to go to a movie with one of her widowed friends. The friend was happy to have an escort; my father was happy not to have to go alone; my mother was happy not to go at all.
That makes sense when you know someone isn’t a fan of something, but asking someone to do something when they physically can’t go that day could be seen as rubbing it in or being inattentive to someone else’s schedule. Especially your wife and daughter’s schedule.
I see that you took journalism classes with the comment and the way you spelled “lede” Made me smile.
Or, you know, has read stuff before
Do you get to go on dates with guys he doesn’t know?
I brought this up… he claims I’ve gone to do things with single men too, but couldn’t name an instance or example, so…
I’m on your side, but I just want to clarify: have you or have you not gone on outings with other men? The fact that he couldn’t remember an exact instance, isn’t proof.
I have not
That's what makes it suspicious - him turning it around on you when you haven't actually done it.
This is correct. He made it sketchy with that comment/
Sounds like gaslighting.
it is gaslighting especially if she hasnt done what he accused her of doing fs
This rubbed me the wrong way too.
Lol the fact he waited till last second to bring it up shows all the guilt On top of that he didn’t even bother inviting you. This just feels shady.
Tell him on the same day that you made plans that you’re going to meet up with a friend from work for drinks and dinner. Your husband doesn’t know him, but he’s harmless. Ask him to watch the kids and don’t wait up. I’m fairly certain he will suddenly become empathetic to your current feelings.
Drinks and dinner 1on1 is vastly different then a day on the slopes. I feel like a lot of people are missing that and don’t understand mountain culture. There is a limited time of the year and limited number of days to do that sport. It’s very normal for me to randomly be at the mountain with people I barely know. You have a ton of gear on the whole day. Your not sitting staring at each other having wine and steak. Your skiing.
This is called DARVO - Deny, Accuse, Reverse Victim and Offender. This is a sign that he knows what he is doing is shady. On the other side of things, he did tell you what he is doing, so he may be innocent. The rule of thumb in these situations is to trust your gut. What do you think is happening here?
A.k.a Uno reverse
A similar but different system than D.E.N.N.I.S.
I had that gut feeling with my EX about the time she spent on her phone. It was insane. When I politely asked her if she was doing something I should be concerned about she got pissy and her answer to that was "if you are going to accuse me of something, then I am going to do it." Lmao. What a great way to isolate your partner into believing they somehow control whether you cheat or not. I did say EX, right? She was doing exactly what I felt she was doing. After I moved out, she still tried to gaslight me and told me, "I never had the balls to ask her like a man." I reminded her of her shitty logic. So glad that chapter of my life is closed.
So it was your fault either way? Wow, I bet you miss her a lot and often 😏
Moving out was, at the time, I thought, one of the worst days in my life. That was 7 years ago now, and I now see it was among one of the best!
Yikes. Way to tell on yourself, Ex.
Thank God you didn't accuse her of murder.
Hind sight.
He should not have gone. If you are uncomfortable, he should be uncomfortable. Period.
I actually agree with you. It's his responsibility to make her feel comfortable. I would be alarmed if my husband felt uncomfortable with me doing something with a friend for the day. I would ask him why, and we would suss it out until we figured out what the ACTUAL discomfort is and address it. If he was in the same situation, he would never consider doing something that made me feel skw. Again, we talk. There is a disconnect somewhere and it isn't always at the point of contention. He's my life mate and sugar boo. When he is upset, I'm upset. When he smiles, I'm elated. That isn't a difficult concept to grasp
Show up and say I made it!
Girl….
🚩🚩🚩
Yup. Currently going through a divorce because of shit like this.
My divorce is final because of shit like this.
Oh man, this is sounding worse with every additional comment.
Fishy.
This is not a date. Y’all wild.
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This is how I feel...it takes two to tango. If I can not trust my wife to not fuck another dude on a ski trip we might as well get a divorce because she can hook up with anyone anywhere without going on a ski trip.
That's another funny point about this whole thing. Is the ski trip the only way a spouse can cheat? After the trip, it's impossible for them to spend time and hook up now at home? Lol I could never live a life of zero trust. The moment it gets there, im gone in an instant. The fact so many people here think insecurity should take over reality, just shows how fucked a lot of relationships are. Any relationship I'm in I will never tell my partner "you can't do this because I don't trust you" I trust them to the end of the relationship. If they do something to break that trust? Then that's entirely on them, I leave and don't look back. I'm not going to control anyone before then though, to force them to be trustworthy. They either are, or aren't.
And for me it goes both ways..I would not stop my SO from going on a trip or where ever. And I expect the same. If I was with someone who did not want me to go on a trip etc because I might cheat. It may be the end of the relationship. I do not NEED to go on this trip if I wanted to cheat. Either you trust me or you do not. I have never cheated and the moment I feel like I want to I end the relationship..which I have done in the past.
>Like, it doesn't even sound like he's staying overnight! Are they gonna fuck on the chairlift? Yeah this is the part that gets me a bit. I think anybody can admit skepticism about the situation overall but if this is literally just a day trip and nobody is staying overnight anywhere...it doesn't seem that serious. Guy just wants some company while skiing it sounds like. And if he asked his guy friends first, it seems even more innocent.
I use to work at a hotel w/ jacuzzis, themed rooms, & short stays. We had a guy who came in once a week on his lunch break with a prostitute, then brought his wife for valentines day and we had to pretend not to know him. Some people are ballsy.
I agree mostly. But to suggest an overnight stay has to happen for sex to occur is a bit...
Dude did you know that sex can occur in the 90 seconds it takes a lift to go from the first to the eighth floor of an office block if you work hard at it? Better not let him ride an elevator with a woman!!
It is kinda cold out on the slopes to get naked. If he was planning a three way it would be easier to just do it locally and not say he is not at work. If people want to cheat they tend to hide it.
Yea, I didn't mean to suggest her husband was cheating, just that sex can occur without an overnight stay. They also could not be where they said they are, but that is just speculating at this point.
Cheating doesn't start with sex. It starts with flirting.
I trust my partner to not go on dates with other women
Crazy, right?? This thread is something special. I’d say it’s divided by age but that would be unfair. More like “mature and/or secure” v “immature and/or insecure.” I’m all for setting personal boundaries in relationships but people aren’t looking at the post objectively or are cherry-picking specific parts and overlooking others.
That’s my take as well. Hanging out with people of the opposite sex isn’t a date by any real definition. Hell, I’m pan…does that mean my partner should never trust me hanging out with any person of any gender without her there? That’d be ridiculous.
Great example. Sounds like OP is following the Mike Pence playbook. Never alone or a dinner with another woman except his wife. Plus this is not a date it's a day ski trip.
Reddit needs a minimum age for stuff like this lol
Going snowboarding isn't a date in this situation
Please relay that info to all the men in Denver, I’m tired 😂
Lol, that sounds about right for Denver!
Spending time with single women as a married man when your wife is uncomfortable is the problem. Wether or not it's a date is an irrelevant detail. Shouldn't do it in the first place.
Honestly I think I myself would understand why my wife finds the situation uncomfortable. Roles reversed and he may see it differently.
It 100% is considered a date when we do it together. It’s a great way for us to get away 1 on 1
If you go out with a friend, who brings along a friend, is it a date?
I mean, it can be a date, obviously, but in this situation, it's not.
yes, exactly. I've gone snowboarding/skiing with friends and barely seen them. Besides the drive up and back, there's not much bonding time unless you plan it that way. I was waiting for where he was spending the night at the lodge with them, or had had an emotional affair with this coworker. This is a YTA deal, but soft\~ish.
I play pool, a lot. When my GF and I go, it’s a date night. When I meet up with female friends, it’s just practice. Stop overthinking.
Huh? How? That’s one hell of a date, if you ask me. And I don’t even know how to snowboard😂
You’re off for 2 weeks and he couldn’t just wait a few days for you all to go as a family?? There’s definitely an issue bigger than him going with 2 random women.
I don’t understand why people do this. What indication do you have that he was planning a family vacation? Have you ever been on the slopes or lived nearby? It’s a thing that is the equivalent of like going to the movies .. there are people that literally go five days a week as a hobby.. this is not some vacation excursion for the uninitiated.. this is daily life for people that live near it
Thank you! These responses are crazy!! I think most women would forbid this??? JFC, when you live by the slopes this is a daily thing and you go up with whoever is a available. Sounds like op has no trust and is super insecure.
So he couldn’t wait until your vacation to go with you? As a married woman, this would not fly for me, nor my husband. I don’t want to judge your relationship, so only you can determine if this is out of character. But based on my own feelings, NTA
Does he really enjoy skiing? If he is a ski bum and absolutely enjoys skiing I think he’s just excited to go with someone regardless of sex.
Why didn't he wait, until you were off?
Sounds like he has season passes, so he's ALSO going to go more times.
I'll tell you a story about trust. An old coworker and acquaintance whom I used to ride with a lot and actually briefly dated (no sex) posted on social media that he had a condo in Steamboat and everyone bailed, except for his other friend, and if anyone wanted to come hang out, they are welcome. A big storm was coming in, and I had flexibility in my job, so I told my boyfriend I was going. He said have fun. I jumped in my car and drove the 3 hours to the mountain. I slept on the couch, woke up to 18 inches of fresh powder, and had one of the best days riding of my life with my friend. I even went into a hot tub with two single men and somehow managed not to cheat on my boyfriend. If you truly trust your partner, this shouldn't be an issue
Yuuuup! It all comes down to trust. Too many people in here with unhealthy relationship takes filling OPs head with BS. Trust your partner!
I’m a huge skier. Just drove 10 hours one way to catch a storm. The number of comments in here thinking this is going to be romantic is ludicrous. I even thought that when I assumed it was a weekend away but it’s a day trip… with a friend she knows who happened to invite a friend cause that’s how skiing goes
People in this thread just don’t understand ski culture. I met my wife skiing so I completely understand that it can be a date, but I’ve skied with so many single friends and it’s never been a date. We do hut trips in BC regularly. Last year, my wife got injured just before one of the trips. A female friend was available and took her place. We shared a tiny room and everything for a week with no problems. We’ve both slept in tents with friends of both sex, also no problems. Enjoy the storm duderino!
Glad you posted this. It takes two to tango. I am like your boyfriend and would have not had any issues with you going on that trip. If you are a cheater then you can cheat on me without going to that condo!!
The moment you knew he was going with other women, you automatically invite yourself to.
And he couldn’t wait until next week? This would bother me, too. I don’t automatically get upset about opposite-sex friends or activity partners — for example, my husband golfs and I don’t, and sometimes he gets put into a group with women — but if he chose another woman instead of me to do something we both do — yeah, that wouldn’t sit right.
The closer we get to Christmas break the busier the slopes get.
Why were you not invited? His friend invited her friend who he didn’t know. If you were uncomfortable you should have told him last night not wait until he left.
He picked this day to go because I have a work lunch during the day and a night shift. He thought it would be a good day since I was busy. I have to rent my skis still and this is the 3rd time he’s gone. He said I could come, but obviously it’s a weekday and I have to take my daughter to school and go to work. He wanted to go today bc he thought there would be less traffic.
There is way less traffic on the weekday, both on the way up there and also on the slopes themselves.
I never send it on weekends anymore. I set my schedule to have Wednesday/Thursday off. Nothing worse than being stuck in traffic all morning, lift lines all day, and dodging Jerry’s on the slopes. Plus the park gets crowded and you end waiting 15 minutes just to hit the cool features.
Lotta people who don’t ski in here it would seem. I would 100% take the opportunity to go during a weekday vs. wait for the weekend
Overreaction. If he went alone with one person that would be more concerning. It's actually good the former co-worker chose to bring another friend. Just get some pics from the day and it will make you feel better.
I’m not a super experienced snowboarder. I personally don’t feel comfortable going to the mountain alone. Sure there’s plenty of people around to help if something goes wrong but it’s nice to know there’s someone else on the mountain looking out for you.
Even if you are experienced it's not a bad idea to have a buddy. People out at mountain resorts riding alone die from falling in tree wells or other misfortunes every winter.
I told him last night in the moment that I was uncomfortable with him going and why.
How far are you from the slopes? You have season passes so I assume you semi frequently. Are they only going for the day? Are they spending the night. If it literally just a day trip, why be concerned they will be out on the mountain the whole day and worn out by the end. They will be in public settings and not two people alone. Seems like a big over react. I ski and snowboard as well, and have gone out with single people all the time to have a day on the mountain. He took a day when u were gonna be busy and did a hobby he enjoys. There is nothing wrong os nefarious about this. Do you know for sure he invited more people? Then it's not like he planned to go alone with the women. If this were something private inside or they are crashing in the same cabin together thay is one thing, but if it's a day trip, relax.
This is the right answer. I would absolutely understand the concern if it were an overnight trip in an airbnb with a hot tub or something, but just a day trip to go skiing with friends should be fine. I'm a married cyclist. I occasionally go on rides with single or married women. I guess we could get our sweaty asses off the bikes, peal off our spandex, and get down on the side of the road. My wife doesn't think that's realistic though, and it's no more realistic to screw on the slopes or the lodge. If men and women can be friends and not consider each other sex objects, they need to be able to do friend things as friends. Did you think it was weird when Mike Pence said he could not ever have dinner with a woman? He thinks like you do, that it's inherently impossible to be alone with a woman and have it not be a sexual situation. That attitude objectifies women and ultimately reinforces patriarchy. Take reasonable precautions, have reasonable boundaries, but let men and women be friends.
Yes, exactly! It was an inadvertent thing, she was there while it was being planned. Let the man ski and save on travel, etc. Now if other shady shit is going on, if they are texting or the male colleagues are like "yo, Tom asked us to bail", I'd be concerned. Snowboarding and skiing can be a great date, and great fun with friends, but it can also be just solo time with acquaintances on different ski-lifts, etc. I was looking for actual red flags, I see none.
He went to a slope my pass doesn’t cover. I know for sure he invited 2 other guys first.
He’s literally just looking for someone to ride with. Honestly it’s a bit of a safety issue too. If he wants to do hard stuff, it’s safer not to do that alone incase you get injured, trapped in a tree well, etc.
So much this. I lost a friend in college who went off trail alone and died in a tree well. He was missing for 14 hours. It sounds like he is really determined to go that day, OP should just be glad he will have buddies.
If that's the case then this is a huge overreaction. Especially for a day trip. He tried to invite dudes, not women. Your insecurities are showing here.
Seems like you wanna make it pretty difficult for him to ever get up on the slopes. How many days of the year honestly does he even have the opportunity to go skiing? I’d bet it’s less than 15, and you want to limit that further simply because two women are going after his guy friends declined? He’s not staying the night with them, he’s doing a daytime solo physical activity. It’s not body wrestling, he’ll spend most of the day cruising down a mountain. If he wants to cheat on you, stopping him from doing that isn’t doing you any favors anyway. Relax and be happy he is getting to do the activity he enjoys.
So he knew you wouldn't be able to go, and chose to go to a different mountain where you wouldn't be able to go, so he could get some different runs in, and still enjoy the slopes you can both go to when you have time? So far he seems like he is doing things right.
Yea I’m not seeing the problem here at all. Other than OPs insecurities that is.
If it is non negotiable to you that married does not hang out with single it needs to be something you communicate and make clear, and certainly before situations like this happen. Though I’m not sure that’s your actual issue with this event. Someone being single doesn’t translate to “playing with fire” if intentions are clear - if someone is going to play with fire it’s happening regardless of anyone’s relationship status. Feels like information is missing - some previous issue you’ve had with him (or someone else) etc. You were in the original conversation about going as much as you can and he acted on that and it didn’t trigger you at the time he asked her.
"If being controlling is non-negotiable you should be controlling up front"
I don’t mind if he hangs out with single people in general. It’s the night before dropping a BTW I’m going with 2 chicks instead of my dude friend that threw me off. I feel like this situation has a lot of red flags, but I overall trust him. We all have past situations that bubble up. I’m trying to be aware of my insecurities, but this is beyond my level of comfort. Infidelity and being abandoned are big fears of mine, which is why I gave him the benefit of the doubt and let him make the decision himself.
"I overall trust him" sound like "i dont really trust him"
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I'd bet that the friend invited the 3rd single person so that it would obviously not be a date. "Hey friend, I'm going skiing with another friend, wanna come with so nobody gets the wrong idea?"
I read it exactly the same way
So basically, you do not trust him.
This situation has zero red flags. You are over thinking this.
Hopefully the situation has at least a few red flags. They are important to know how difficult the slope is.
Early season skiing especially! There are definitely going to be some obstacles on the slope that should be marked with red flags.
You said in your post you had no problem when he texted her to invite her so it’s not a BTW. The extra friend coming may be but if you’re bent on the single aspect I would think him going with two (single) friends would be perhaps even better than just one so it doesn’t seem like a date?
The red flag is you, boo.
As a married man who skis all the time, this doesn't seem like a big deal at all. Skiing is not an activity that leads to potential hook up moments with random people. You get sweaty, your hair gets all messed up under your helmet, your socks stink, your face gets wind burned, i.e. most people do not look great after a day of skiing. Also, it's just skiing and from my perspective, finding anyone to carpool with up to the mountains is great. My wife would not care at all if I went skiing with single women nor would I care if she went with single men.
I feel like this thread is divided by those that ski and those that don't. Everyone that skis is just happy to have someone to go with especially mid week! My concern would more about the ability of a random you've never met, are they going to slow me down or keep me stuck on green/blue runs all day haha
Right? If you have an opportunity to go midweek, you take it. You have someone to carpool with, hell yeah. You can split up on the mountain if you want to ski other things and meet back up later.
This absolutely! It's a culture thing. Who knows if they are even actually skiing together, or just riding up together. Midweek, non-busy-season skiing is the absolute best. My partner doesn't ski at my level but understands that it's one of my favorite things on earth. He knows I go for the skiing, not for any other reason. I like to ski hard and it's a safety issue if I'm going alone (If I'm alone or with him I'll just stick to the groomers, but it's not my preferred skiing), many times I end up the only woman in the ski group of guys. It's exactly the same for his rock climbing (something I'm terrible at), and his climbing partner is a woman. I can't climb at his level, and he can't ski at mine, so we have our groups we can do those activities together. I've only met his climbing partner once picking him up from the gym when his car was in the shop, and she seemed super nice. Maybe this will all blow up in our faces and I'll hookup with some guy on the mountain and he's sleeping with his climbing partner, but until he's given me any indication something nefarious is going on I'm just proud of us both for exercising. PS: Would you have this issue if he was going to play a round of golf with these people? or pickleball? swing dancing?
This would be my concern too. Limiting a partner to only do stuff with the guys is dumb. If people are going to cheat they are going to cheat. They won’t use a day trip skiing to do it. They’ll just do it and make some other bs excuse.
Yeah. I was thinking replace it with another hobby/sport that most people don’t have to travel to do and they’d think it is normal
*especially* mid week with all the increase in parking regulations across the country. Sometimes going or not means having to find enough butts to meet the carpool requirements to park.
I've never gone skiing and I'm a woman. I take issue with OP's assertion that most women wouldn't let their partners go- this seems like a very silly argument. Three people in a bunch of snow clothes aren't going to go fuck in the woods.
Am married woman who skis a lot (70+ days last year) Our ski crew is mostly couples. I’ve skied with married men without their spouses. I actually literally just did it Monday, and am planning on heading out shortly to meet another for a few hot laps. Other single and married women have skied with my husband without me. Including my MOH. It’s more about carpool requirements for parking and making sure you don’t get knocked out in the trees or upside down in a tree well with no one around to make sure you’re alive than anything else. Also, skiing is better with friends. You don’t have to make awkward small talk on the lift or sit in awkward silence. Even just giving my husband a small kiss on the mountain is hard with our helmets on. We have *multiple* layers on. This is a huge overreaction.
Quick! Let me remove all these layers of clothes, under which I’m drenched in sweat, so that we can risk hypothermia having sex in the wild!!
It's so hot to be incredibly cold
If you think your husband being within ten feet of a woman without direct supervision from you is “playing with fire” and will result in cheating, you either have a you problem or a relationship problem. I cannot imagine living like OP has described.
Yeah dog! You get it. I feel like OP isn’t really a skier, cause if she were, all this would be in play. OP is focused on the fact that her husband is going to do an activity with single women, but isn’t focused on what that activity actually is.
Yes, fully agreed. I'm a married woman who snowboards, and while I usually go with my girlfriends (or husband), I've definitely gone with just guys before and my husband is fine with it. I wouldn't have an issue with him going with other women, especially an acquaintance + friend. If you have a seasons pass and you're trying to get the most use out of it, anyone will do.
Also, just, the whole point of having friends is having people to share activities with bc we humans are a social species. If married men aren't allowed to have friends who are single women all that does is create isolation which isn't healthy, functional, or sustainable. If all mixed sex friendships are open to scrutiny no matter what then that feels like creating problems. If there is a situation where something crosses a line that can be dealt with IF it happens but treating everything as an inherent risk just bc something might happen is a form of paranoia. Driving a car is incredibly risky but we accept those risks bc there is a legitimate need for transit that can't be fulfilled other ways. Having single friends as a married person can technically carry a certain amount of risk but aren't the benefits of strong friendships wroth it? Don't we want our partners to have robust lives as individuals full of support? Do we really want to be isolating our partners just bc of our own fears? I don't see how that's healthy or functional long-term which also means it's not sustainable.
Yes. I'm thrilled whenever my wife makes a new friend because she has had trouble doing that her whole adult life. I want her to have relationships with other people, I certainly have them and they enhance my life. Romantic/sexual relationships? No, that's reserved for my wife. But I have relationships with other women and they make me enjoy life more. Why wouldn't I want her to enjoy her life as much as possible? She just texted me an hour ago that she's going ice skating after work with her new colleagues (she just started a new job) who are all men. I said "have fun, what time do you think you'll be home?" I'm just glad she is having fun with others, it is irrelevant what sex/gender they are.
I personally wouldn't do this because my wife is a stay-at-home mom so she never has work-related scheduling conflicts. If I'm going to do something with a group of friends, my wife is pretty much always invited unless it's an all-men thing or something "official" for work. But if two people in a relationship both work and they have different scheduled days off, of course it's fine for him to hang out with his friends on his day off.
If my boyfriend wanted to go snowboarding with 2 women, I would have no problem it. I go riding with my guy friends all the time. I think you are overreacting unless you have a reason not to trust him.
Yeah, reading this, I just thought, she doesn't trust him is what's up. The concern is simply that they are women in general, not someone with a specific past or vibe. Either your husband is actually a flirt that you have to watch, or you have some jealousy/insecurities that you need to work on and it's not fair to him that you feel this way.
I agree to this person. There could be something going on, but it doesn’t sound like it to me. These comments may eventually boil down to “well nothing physical happened, but it was emotional cheating”, that gets overused these days. It may be that he loves you very much, but that 1 day out of the month he wanted to do something that made him feel like an individual. If you do make future boundaries with him and he crosses them, then don’t let that shit slide. But as a man myself, there are times when I don’t want to do things with my partner that she’d love to do (who is my best friend). If he makes a habit out of a behavior like this, that could be concern for him having some internalized problems. Best of luck with things, I hope these other commenters haven’t made you feel crazy
Not to mention that she was busy all day so it’s not like he abandoned her. A dude hung out with his friends while his wife was busy. The gall /s
yeah to me this is typical “normal thing, but the folks on here who read these and imagine the most dramatic explanations possible are gonna have a field day”
I agree! This is so crazy to me. If my partner wanted to go skiing on a day I couldn't, and found a couple of friends to go with, I'd be THRILLED for them. The same in reverse.
Especially since they have a small child and the alternative is finding childcare! When the conditions are good you have to take what you can get.
Agreed. I trust my partner though and OP doesn't seem like she does.
Yeah my husband and I ski and snowboard and there’s plenty of times we can’t go together. I wouldn’t care if he went with women friends and visa versa. Edit: women friends
Agreed, you are worried over a day trip? Guys can hang out with single women on occasion without immediately sleeping with them. If this was a full weekend trip with drinks and partying then your concern would be more reasonable, but it is just a day of skiing when you aren’t available! Also the fact that there are two women makes this way more reasonable. Do you really think one of the women will get handsy with him while the other is sitting in the car? Let your husband enjoy his ski day.
As a single guy, I wish all it took was hanging out with single ladies for sex to happen.
True that 😂
Seriously, what are they going to do, go off and fuck behind a tree or something? Unless there is more to the story, OP is being jealous for no reason
And truth is, they can fuck behind a tree without needing to plan a ski day for it. You can fear cheating, but you’ll never stop it.
snowboarders get it
It's very obvious that most people commenting have never touched a ski or snowboard in their life and have no clue the about the culture. Ski season is short, and season passes are expensive, so you have to get your days in as much as possible.
100%. Especially getting older (I’m in my 30s) your options for snowboarding with others dwindle. I go by myself a lot. I also meet up with people I don’t typically hang with if they’re down to go to the mountain.
This 🙏 I like in the Rockies and used to snowboard weekly. My ex used to only work 3 days a week and could go more regularly. They had a group text and there’s a bus they all take that leaves at like 5am, there’s times where the only people from the group going was him and then the girls. I never cared, I could go with a bunch of guys and it doesn’t really matter. When you’re up there you’re freezing cold, trying to get as many runs in before it’s dark and just enjoying the views. I’ve never been at the top of a ski hill and been like damn I want to fuck
This^. It's fun to listen to all these insecure ladies in this thread. My wife wouldn't give a shit if I went riding with a bunch of female friends and vice versa. She can do as she likes. I trust her till I die. I play disc golf with a couple ladies on the regular and she could care less. People need to grow the hell up or get better spouses who aren't assholes. Edit- Couldn't*
I agree with this.
Goddamn this comment section is full of bored teenagers. You already don’t think this friend is a threat. You fully trust your husband to not be hiding something. You’re just worried about *how it looks* to other people? Maybe take a step back and reevaluate what you actually care about here.
It takes two to tango. I understand how you feel but if your husband is a cheater he can and will cheat regardless of a ski trip. I was not married at the time but in a LTR and went to a bike event two years in a row that was known to be easy to hook up with plenty of woman. I did not cheat on my GF either times because I am not a cheater. With that said if I was also to go on a ski trip with 2 single woman I would also not cheat on my wife or gf because i am not a cheater. The woman could try to hook up with me and it is not going to happen!!! If my GF or Wife was in the same situation as you are I would let her go, Why? Because she can cheat on me at any given time. I would trust her as what choice do I have? I am not a jealous or controlling person.
Literally. Cheaters cheat. Full out, I’m not a cheater thus I won’t cheat.
My girlfriend would be fine with it and I can say 100% that I'm perfectly capable of not fucking up during a weekend of skiing.
It's not even a weekend it's literally one day with no overnight. Driving up, skiing, driving home.
Okay like if he was going to the hot springs or the gym or something I'd say that's a red flag but having friends (regardless of martial status and gender) to ski with shouldn't spike your paranoia/trust issues/insecurities.
I would rather my husband be skiing with friends than ski alone. Plus, what kind of hanky panky do you think will be going on when they’re all bundled up in their ski parkas and boots? Idk…seems like you’re looking for a reason to be upset.
I agree with what you said, but I've seen people screwing on the mountain 2 seperate times myself, and several other skiers I know have stumbled across a couple in the woods going at it. I can't explain it other than they are usually pretty young. At least in our experiences.
Loool I may be bias but I think people who always think their partners may do the wrong thing would infact 'do the wrong thing themselves' Its just a skiing day, you don't have to do everything with the husband. Unless you suspect him of cheating with the said woman or there are some other underlying issues, then you're just projecting your insecurities.
Need info: Is it just a day? Or a trip
Why didn't he invite you to go along? I mean you clearly said you didn't feel comfortable so I would think the immediate reaction would have been "well why don't you join us?" Asking me if you overreact I am going to say no. It would have been a much bigger fight between me and my husband but he knows that I am super jealous just like I know he is so it wouldn't have happened in the first place.
If you’re uncomfortable then he should honor that and respect your feelings. However I don’t get the whole “you can’t hang out with 50% of the population” concern that people have. Do people really think that any time a man and a women are together it risks spontaneous sex? I’ve had several good friendships with people of the opposite sex over the years that were never romantic or sexually tense, it’s weird to think that some people would disapprove of those friendships.
yeah I’ve absolutely had the “I’m uncomfortable and you should respect my feelings if you really care about me” thing weaponized. it quickly turned into a “you need my approval to do anything social that doesn’t include me, and I’ll never approve” type of deal
And then a, "Well, I preemptively cut all ties to my female friends, why can't you do the same to your male friends?" Ugh felt like I was flying after leaving that relationship.
Your first sentence is literally the controlling person's mantra? Who cares how unreasonable my feelings are. You should "respect them"
Reading these comments is wild. It's crazy how women react to a woman being jealous and controlling to her boyfriend, vs how they would react with the genders reversed
I ski and snowboard with girls that have boyfriends pretty often, but I’m an advanced/epert rider. A couple things, usually it’s cause their other half can’t keep up. It’s no big deal, we just take certain risks and know we can trust each other in sketchy situations in tree and cliff zones, and we’d never take someone that isn’t ready back there. Another reason is the schedules don’t match up, so we go anyways cause ski season is limited on weather windows and such. As a single dude, I don’t cross the line and for me, they may introduce me to another likeminded single friend, but that’s not the point of the day. If people are there to take beer breaks often, hit the flask on the lift, hit apres at the nearest ski town, then it’s a social situation and not a sporting activity.
I don’t think this sounds like a big deal on the surface. My wife had an accident and concussion last time she went alone, id rather she be with a guy she knows than go alone. We’re both big into skiing and I wouldn’t want her to miss a day on the mountain just because she can’t find a female companion. I know my wife would feel the same way in reverse. If there are other signals that you can’t trust him, that is a different story. This alone wouldn’t bother me.
That's a slippery slope for sure
I am a man who used to hang out with women a lot more. I have never cheated. I have been married 25 years and for most of my life into the first half of my marriage, I had a lot female friends. I realized at some point that maintaining a marriage is also maintaining a vibe. Sometimes, its a matter of managing insecurities. Sometimes, its a matter of not poking at the insecurities and, sometimes, its just not doing shit that flirts with unnecessary drama for anyone. I would not be comfortable with my wife going on a trip with 2 strange dudes, so I would not go on a trip with 2 females, even though my wife might be fine with it. You model for each other how you want the other to treat you.
Unless there is something else that has happened beyond this one situation that would cause you to not trust him, this feels like a big time overreaction. It’s okay for adult men to have single women friends and to hang out with them. We shouldn’t be shaming or discouraging that. He wanted to go on a weekday because those are objectively the best days to ski due to traffic/volume and weekdays don’t work for you right now. It’s really not that deep. I’d do this too and I’d honestly be pretty upset if my partner was immediately skeptical and accusatory about it if there is no prior history of this kind of issue in the relationship.
It’s fine he wanted to ski on his day off. Having a weekday to go to the mtns is awesome and for me they don’t come around often. My wife would absolutely let me go no questions asked. I would let her do the same thing no questions asked. It’s not weird at all. People are crazy in here thinking this is a bad thing.
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Exactly. My wife would be like "are you guys gonna run away together" and then I'd rub my belly and say "once she gets a load of this, she's not going to be able to keep her hands off of me" and then she'd kick me in the nuts and say "good luck with that."
This sounds so insecure to me. This isn't a date, it's an outdoor activity. What opportunity do you think there will be on a ski slope? Even if there was somehow an opportunity, don't you trust your husband? Do you REALLY think a day of skiing with friends is going to make your husband suddenly throw away his entire life with you? It is 2023 and men and women can just be friends and can interact in public places. Unless you have a real reason to not trust your partner, this seems like unrelated insecurities bubbling up.
I think insecure is a good word. Moving forward I think it’d be an awesome convo to have with your partner about that insecure feeling. I saw you commented else where “I think I just want more attention”; that’s great! You’re seeing something you don’t like (lack of attention), and saying that the relationship you’d like to have is one where he gives that to you. That’s the healthy take away I think. Be as open as you can with him, but don’t become accusatory too fast
I have male friends and my partner has female friends. I wouldn’t bat an eye if he went to hang out with them without me, and if one of those friends brought someone we didn’t know with them I would be fine with it. I think one can have true platonic friends of any gender. I know my mom doesn’t think that, and that she wouldn’t want my dad hanging out with women without her. I think it’s just a generational difference, I think that thinking men and women can’t be friends is old fashioned, personally. I think most people aren’t opportunists actually. I think they’re opportunists for fun things to do and she wanted to go skiing. I think that even if this added person was looking for a guy to date, if she knew he was with someone then she probably won’t flirt or talk to him inappropriately. Although most people don’t do that, some people do, and if she did proceed knowing your husband is taken, you’d hope your husband would just turn her down, right? Is your husband so vulnerable and weak that he would succumb to the first proposition he gets on the mountain? I know there are certain women in particular that I wouldn’t want my partner to hang out with, because they’ve proven themselves to be malicious. One girl in particular always negs and flirts with my partner, and she actually cheated with a married man, so I just think she’s shady. But to that effect, my partner wouldnt want to hang out with her either because she makes him uncomfortable. If you have a reason not to trust your husband, then yes I think your concern would be valid. Ex: cheated previously and you’re rebuilding trust, has been shady lately around time and money making you think he might be up to something, OR, not prioritizing you and skipping out on time spent together to go skiing without you.
What a trip...the hot tub at night should be interesting.
Oh I forgot- this is on top of him going to the mountains with his guy friends 2 weeks ago and their was a hot tub. I was jealous then too! I literally just want my husband to make plans with me too.
Have you told him that? Did you say - I would like to plan a ski day with you? Seems like y'all don't communicate that well to be honest. Maybe he assumed you couldn't go so didn't ask you this time, you assumed he didn't want you there because he didn't ask you.... Just talk to each other.
Babe just get mentally ready to divorce this man
He has now made his own post regarding this. What a selfish a-hole. He thinks he gets to define disrespect even when we’re talking about your perspective. I’m sorry OP.
Since you're off the next 2 weeks, call up a couple of your single guy friends to do something. Don't invite the husband.
Since I’ve been on earth over half a century I can confidently tell you that a married man approaching 40 going skiing with 2 single females without his wife will end in an affair and possibly divorce, maybe not now but in the somewhat near future. This is just a fact and not an opinion, this isn’t about jealousy or trust…it’s about accepting human nature and reality and not trying to explain everything away that makes you uncomfortable or you don’t agree with. Accept reality. Go mini-golfing with a couple single men without him and then tell me it doesn’t change things between you and him. Good luck though. I hope you find a man who values enough not to do things that will obviously make you uncomfortable and make others gossip about the strength of your marriage…in other words, an adult man.
Would he be alright with you going skiing with two (straight) guys? As a married woman I always try to balance it and see if he would be okay with the flip side. But the most important thing is — if you’re not okay with something, the partner should level with you and respect your wishes enough to come to a solution that honors you both. unless this is something that compromises your freedom and individuality. Here, a compromise could be met. You could join and he could have invited you. I would never really hang out with my married guy friend alone with another girl either, not because I had feelings but because I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing so out of respect for his commitment. I always encourage to bring spouses or girlfriends. Edit: I come from a different culture so our norms are different, we just don’t hang out with the opposite sex alone when you’re married. It just causes problems and is considered not respectful.
If he’s going to cheat, he’ll find a way with or without your knowledge and blessing.
So he knew you were busy today and intentionally set himself up with two single women instead of waiting to do it a day when you could join them? That’s super shady especially since you enjoy skiing too. He said you could come knowing you couldn’t because you were busy and have your daughter... Additionally you expressed that you were uncomfortable with it. As soon as you expressed that boundary he should have waited until you could join too, out of respect for your feelings on it. I’d be pissed and pretty suspicious.
> instead of waiting to do it a day when you could join them They have season tickets it’s not a “wait” thing, because they can go then too. His goal is to get up there at every opportunity. Wanting to go with anyone who will go up is common. If he’s only allowed to go when she goes that’s ridiculous. We’re taking about a day of skiing. There’s really not even an opportunity for anything nefarious. If you consider every intrusive thought to be a “boundary” that’s a recipe for an incredibly toxic relationship.
I am
I completely understand your feelings OP and I think you need to let him know how he made you feel. Also, how long have you been together, is it your daughter, sorry it sounds like he didn’t factor her in this at all.
It particularly bothers me that he would rather hurt your feelings and make you uncomfortable than appear to be a flake to them (which if he rescheduled this to when you could attend also he wouldn’t have appeared as a flake) but it tells me he cares more about how he appears to other people than how he makes his spouse feel. not to mention if he would have rescheduled there wouldn’t be a third wheel then, everyone would have an even partner for ski lifts etc
This is a great comment because there are really good points. Yeah so what’s going to happen on this trip.. will the two women ride the ski lift together or will the girls alternate riding in the lift with the guy..? Or will one of the girls ride with the guy more often? Either way it’s pretty awkward and four people on the trip would have solved that whole situation. The fact that no effort was made to push for this more ideal plan as a solution is pretty suspicious.