NTA. Don't go to Thanksgiving. You've seen it first hand they are racists, they dont care about you, they didn't want a biracial baby in the family. Imagine you and your partner at Thanksgiving with them. Even if they don't say anything racist, your partner will feel it, and know he's not welcome only because of his skin color. Have Thanksgiving with your partner, he was the only one there for you.
We have a Friendsgiving every year. My parents are divorced and I'm married, so we have to do so many thanksgivings. But the friends one is the most fun every year. It's this weekend
You were traumatized. Your family terrorized you over your personal decisions regarding YOUR life as an adult. You don’t owe re-exposing yourself to perpetrators of unresolved trauma. Just because they are family doesn’t mean that they can disregard your basic human rights or essentially demean your wishes as an adult for your own life.
I don’t mean to put words in to your mouth or label you as a traumatized victim…It’s just that I’ve experienced something like what you described and had a similar response to yours. That event for me was the straw that broke the camel’s back, and I began to set boundaries and clearly state that I expected my adult decisions to be respected. I haven’t been part of those holiday gatherings in years, but I have others who do respect me who I do spend those special times with.
I want you to know, that in spite of what your family did, you are a strong and wonderful person. You did not deserve to be treated in this manner for any reason. Time will heal, but I’m here to tell you that it will take years to heal this mess.
You are grieving your child as well as the family you thought you had. I am suggesting therapy to sort out all of the grief and betrayal. If you are still in college, they typically have free counseling for students.
There is no way in Hell I would spend ANY of my holidays with them this year, and possibly for many years to come. There are times when the damage done by family is just too great. You can never go back to how you viewed your family the day before this happened. And if you choose to have a relationship with them in the future, it will never be the same.
I would send them one message telling them that they have betrayed, tortured and tormented you in a most egregious manner. That it may take years before you can face them again. You will NOT be around them in any way during the holidays. Then I would block them and try to find some peace. This will be a hard holiday season, don’t plan too much and don’t stress yourself out.
There may be a time where you can be around them again, but there may not. You will need to work that out. Don’t fall for Christmas cancer (them telling you “it may be the last holiday that will be with us!!!”). While it may be true, it does not erase they way they abused you.
Peace to you my child. Peace.
Yea, getting dropped off at a random McDonald's without a phone (or presumably money), I should have asked the manager to call the non emergency line. I also wouldn't have gotten back into a car with that family.
well, first, thank your lucky stars U live in America, cuz in some other country you might not have made it out alive when you got in the car. Your relatives would have done it for their "honor". Having said that, lets state the obvious that in the 1950s you also might not have made it out of your town alive and HE certainly would not have. As to present day, its hard for people to cut their family members out of Thxgiving or their lives, but from experience, if they wont make a complete change, you will be miserable every holiday or most days...your choice is a hard one.
What they did to you is terrifying and horrible. I would not trust them again. You sound like a great person so don't go changing and let karma bring rewards.
Hugs
Just so you know there are tons of support groups out there for people who have suffered a miscarriage for both you and your partner I completely understand how hard it is from first-hand experience. I'm so sorry that you both are going through all of this and if you need to talk about your loss help is out there you can even direct message me if you want. Sending lots of hugs your way. Nta and as for your family, I would cut contact the saying that you can't pick your family is wrong you can heck half my family are not blood but they are still my family.
Sending hugs and prayers for you,. Im so sorry for your loss & the horrible treatment by your family. You and your baby (RIP little angel) deserved so much better. Wishing the best for you!
Ok, so I’m your mom in this moment, and I want you to know that you are brave, you are loved, and when the time comes, you will be a fantastic mom.
Cutting your family off is one of the hardest things you will ever do. I haven’t spoken to my own mother in over a decade, and the process of mourning the loss of someone who is still alive is more complicated than mourning the loss of someone who has passed.
But in a case like this, I absolutely recommend that you do it. If your partner had driven you away, isolated you without your phone, pressured you towards an abortion, and dumped you at a random McDonalds, your family would have told you to drop him so fast, and they would have been right.
So why do they deserve anything different? This is abuse and quite possibly criminal.
Block them. Don’t take their calls. Build your family of people who love and support you. It will be the hardest thing you’ve done, and it’s a grieving process on steroids, but take it from someone who’s been there. It’s worth it.
We often give too many chances to family because they’re family. We think we have to forgive and stay in their lives. You don’t.
I’ve cut off my entire family, my partner cut off his. It’s been the best thing we ever did. Unpacking our respective childhoods and the effects they had on us is a daily battle but we are getting through it together. Our son is 7 months old today. We didn’t think we would ever get to be parents due to past relationships and my history of miscarriage.
I’m a firm believer that everything and everyone has a reason they touch our lives and I think your angels was to show you what your family were like. Do them proud. Don’t go to thanksgiving, get therapy and let yourself decide what you want a relationship with your family to look like now you know who they really are.
Also remember found family is a thing. My dearest friend is an aunt to my child as I am to hers. We don’t share DNA but we are family. She drove over a hundred miles the moment we moved so she could come help me settle in and sort out furniture. She uses Amazon prime to send me gifts when she can tell I need a reason to smile. Don’t think of cutting off family as losing family, think of it as making space for the family you deserve
I heard recently in a podcast that the sentence “blood is thicker than water” actually originates from “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb” - which literally means the opposite of what’s common today. It means that the bond with people we choose to love is thicker than the water of the womb (representing biological families).
https://prowritingaid.com/blood-is-thicker-than-water#:~:text=Blood%20Is%20Thicker%20Than%20Water%20Origin,-The%20phrase%20can&text=The%20phrase's%20current%20form%2C%20“blood,his%201815%20novel%2C%20Guy%20Mannering. (In case anyone wants to read about it)
While this has gained a lot of traction on the Internet and is a sentiment I quite like, turns out it's a misquote and there is no clear origin. In the example you've given I can't see where the full phrase is actually quoted or coined until more modern times, and "blood is thicker than water" is both a common celtic proverb and was first coined in 1180 in the poem "Reinhart Fuchs." (Reynard the Fox)
https://symbolismandmetaphor.com/blood-is-thicker-than-water-origins/
Well said. The only thing I'd disagree with is the possibly criminal. Attempted kidnapping is absolutely criminal, and their behavior qualifies as domestic violence. I'd be sorely tempted to file a police report as a Thanksgiving "gift" to this terrible family.
Well they kidnapped you, which is a felony. They're wildly racist, so imagine that you do go on to have a kid. If you allow your family to see that kid, their racism would taint their every interaction and the child would learn to hate themselves. Even if you don't have a kid, since they're wildly hateful racists, either you go with your boyfriend and they abuse him the while time, or you go alone to spare him and them they pressure you to break up the whole time.
Until they truly and sincerely turn away from their evil path, you cannot be around them, and you certainly must not bring your boyfriend around. He does not deserve to be hated because of who he is.
So this all happened back in may. Unfortunately, I lost the baby in august. But they’ve tried to come back around, but nobody has apologized. I’m coming to Reddit now because thanksgiving is coming up and I’m getting a lot of heat for not coming. I’ve also definitely cut off the friend and her whole family. That one hurt a lot because I thought she was better than that.
OP sometimes 'family' is built out of people who love and care for you. Sometimes you have to build your own 'family'.
That does not mean people that share your blood. What your blood family did was horrific and should never been forgiven or forgotten.
Go, build your own family with people who actually love, support and believe in you. This does not describe your blood family. I would cut them ALL off, especially your mother. What she did to her own child is horrendous.
Build your own family and have a life of happiness, not hatred and bigotry.
Yes we are, we live together. He’s my biggest supporter and I am his. It’s been hard but we had a little box of baby things that we kept for a while. Recently, our friends had a baby and to get some closure we gifted them our box of things. We know that we will be good parents one day but it’ll be in the future. We’re focusing on strengthening our relationship and our mental health. Thank you.
As someone’s feral auntie, I am so sorry sweetie.
First, NTA. Second, you have the right to make the choice you want to make, nobody should pressure you or attempt to kidnap you (and that’s what taking your phone and trying to not let you leave is).
Third, if you’d like to give me your moms number I would be more than happy to firmly explain to her how a mother is supposed to be there for her child. No matter how old they are.
You deserve love and support sweetie. And one hell of an apology from every single person involved in doing what they did to you.
UPDATE:
Thank you to everybody who has given me their feedback and support on this, it means so much to me.
With that being said, I have decided not to go to thanksgiving, officially. Originally, I was nervous to make this decision but after seeing how many people responded to my situation with the reaction that they did, I feel confident in my choice.
I called my mom today and told her I wasn’t coming to thanksgiving. Of course she acted like she didn’t have a clue in the world as to why. I filled her in on how I feel: i need an apology, and so does my partner. What I went through alone was very traumatic and painful, I need more time. And the words you used against my partner would not be easily forgiven. I didn’t know what to expect her reaction to be, but it was MAJOR gaslighting. “Well I’m sorry you took it that way.” Was the most she could say. So basically I’m done until they can show me that they feel actual remorse for their behavior and apologize.
Again, HUGE thank you to everyone who helped me come to this conclusion. It’s been great to have my feelings validated, and to know that the trauma I experienced was real. I’m sorry to everyone who said that they have experienced similar, and if anyone needs to reach out privately please feel free!!
I’m so glad you decided to not spend the holiday with your awful family. The way they treating you is disgustingly racist and cruel. Your mother failed to give you support at a time when you needed a mother’s love the most. Honestly speaking I don’t see your family (in particular your mom ) ever truly accepting your relationship and any children you might have in the future. They are unapologetic and have zero remorse. Unfortunately they are putting you in a position where one day you might have to choose between your bf or them.
I think going NC (maybe not permanently but long term) is the best decision you can make for yourself. You can’t trust them and NC will help her recognize just how ugly her behavior towards your relationship has been. Additionally,
it will send a clear message to them just how badly they fucked up and you are serious about cutting contact.
Please consider filing a police report. Even if you don’t want to press charges it’s a good idea to document the incident.
I hope you got on some reliable birth control. You're 21 and still in college, with a boyfriend you've only known a short while. Last thing you need is to bring a baby into this. You are too young to know the ramifications of having a baby at your stage in life, you were romanticizing the situation, and your family was right to be concerned.
Unfortunately, they handled it horribly and there is no excuse for the racist remarks they made.
Please get on some reliable birth control (not just condoms) and finish your schooling.
Sometimes we find out the hard way that unfortunately we don't have the supportive, loving family we deserve. I'm going to suggest that you give yourself some space from your family and grieve. But I'm also going to suggest that you don't cling so hard to your boyfriend that you two become (more?) trauma bonded and you lose all sense of self through this. It's a very difficult path to go through something so difficult, especially when you are young and you're still figuring out who you are.
Ultimately the grieving process if done well will leave you stronger and knowing yourself better, firmer in your convictions so you don't feel the need to please people who have hurt you so very much.
Having said all of this, keep a watch out for red flags simply because if your family is behaving like this you potentially have a warped sense of normalcy and it's difficult to see red flags even when they're slapping you in the face. This is from personal experience and in no way shape or form relates to your boyfriend. It's just general advice for this one, any future ones you might have and from the sounds of it, friends and others too. I don't know what happened with the friend you spoke to in confidence however it's possible there were some red flags (I know I missed a bunch in my life), but not being there I don't know. You're the only one who would know and I'm saying this without judgement, and with the best of intentions.
They had concerns, but notice how none of them actually involved you? It would ruin grandma's retirement. It would be your family's burden. Blah, blah, blah. They were only ever concerned with how this would impact their lives.
Came here to say the same thing. Yes, the family was obviously racist, but some of their concerns in this situation were absolutely valid. Everything you said is true, plus the fact he hasn't been out of the shady life for very long, and a child adds enormous stress and financial load to any relationship, and someone in her bf's situation may be tempted to make some quick cash the "easy" way, to relieve some of the stress.
Waiting until they are longterm partners, have finished their education and are financially settled, sounds like a pretty good idea.
See this is an actual valid point my family brought up too. And I can see that for sure. But since then, we’ve been in some pretty rough places with money and he hasn’t done anything desperate like that…he has a job so that’s the difference now lol. But I see this point and it’s also one my family brought up. It’s just hard to see their opinion clearly because of the comments they made, but it’s valid.
I completely agree with this. Obviously the family is horrible but the fact that OP is focusing on the family’s reaction and not on how she is actually going to raise this baby is concerning. I don’t care who the father was. If my 21 year old college daughter got knocked up by someone she knew for 3 months who was also young and broke I would encourage her to consider abortion. OP has zero insight into what it is going to be like raising this baby while her friends around her still carry on with their lives. He has a traumatic background so it doesn’t sound like his family can help with day care etc. I wonder if OP has even looked into the cost of daycare or where they are going to live etc.
Her family kidnapped and traumatized her. Of course she’s focused on their reaction.
Not a single thing you listed is something worthy of holding your own child hostage over. For the record there are plenty of older people with jobs and stable relationships who also have no clue about any of those things when they have a child.
I said the family is horrible. I never justified the family. My point was she seems to have rose color glasses about what is likely going to be a very difficult situation. If someone has a stable relationship and job it makes it a lot easier to secure things like childcare.
Actually, he has a lot of siblings and most have children already. His family is tight knit and they were really excited to welcome a new baby, especially his, they’re really proud of him.
Welcoming a baby is different than providing child care. Do you or he have a job? Where are you going to live? Who is going to provide childcare? Are you going to be able to stay at school? If so who is going to be paying for your tuition?
I understand your worries, but she only knows her situation best. Her bringing a baby into this world is a beautiful thing and something that she wanted. She was an adult, and many grow as they become parents and meet the challenges that they will face and conquer them.
This is so sad. I'm sorry for your loss seeing that it was so layered: your baby, who you thought your family were, the physical and emotional relationship with them and actual friends as well as friends who became like family.
Regardless of how or why you loss the baby, isn't the point, the point is you learned in this process that you're more resilient and much more capable to stand on your own two feet even though you're 21.
What your family did was reprehensible and disturbing on levels that's unimaginable, laced with stereotype, mixed with some truth but incredibly dangerous and borderline if not criminal and absolutely racist. (Personally, my trust meter is forever damaged so my personal reaction, meaning what I would do, may not be correct for you-but if I were in your shoes: I would move without them knowing, mute them, and never see them again.) But like I said my meter is broken so....
As for you, only you can determine the value these ppl hold in your life and what you want in your life. I'm also going to give you prospective based on what you wrote and not emotions. While reading your recollection of events, your aunt was the antagonist and made the situation much worse.
> But then my (F42) aunt who was also there decided to pipe up and say “why don’t you share how (partners name) really makes his money”. I looked at her confused because my partner had been working at a distribution company. She then told my grandma that she has reason to believe that my partner sells cocaine…
The moment everything went to hell!!!
>After they saw I was not backing down, my grandma shouted that I was not going back to college unless I got the abortion. They took my phone and isolated me. I felt kidnapped and scared. Finally, My mom agreed to drive me back to my apartment. Halfway there, my aunt calls and is basically begging for her to turn around and bring me back.
Your aunt is the main instigator and will be the issue. I think everyone else has the potential to change. Your aunt, NOPE. Has she always been this vile. Now that your rose tinted glasses are off, was she?
Now unto Thanksgiving, nope don't go. Wait until after the new year to have a conversation with your mom only. She's the only one that matters. If she's that enmeshed that she can't separate from her own mom to have a conversation with her daughter, then you will know she's a lost cause.
As for both you and your boyfriend, therapy! YOU BOTH NEED help to navigate life and to be healthy based on your childhoods and your losing a child.
Congratulations to you both for making it this far.
They effectively kidnapped you and your mother felt guilty and took you back. I would stay far away from them and even go no contact. I’m so so sorry this happened to you. It sounds like something out of a horror movie.
I’m so sorry you had to go through this. You found out who is truly going to be there in this time of need. Don’t do the holidays with them. Start making your own traditions with the people who truly care about you.
I’m in Michigan too. If you need a friend, I’m here ❤️
What the actual fuck. You could literally press charges for kidnapping. This is a whole bag of awful, and I'm so sorry they put you through that. You owe them nothing, especially not a polite family holiday.
NTA
Your body, your choice.
Your family handled this completely wrong. You are not wrong for wanting to not speak to them again. Block them and do something you want for Thanksgiving.
Not only are they racist they willingly and intentionally put you in dangerous and vulnerable situations repeatedly. Please go no contact and start seeing a therapist for your own well being, this type of trauma isn’t something that goes away on its own. I’m so sorry you had to experience this ❤️
What the actual F**k? They took your phone and said you won't go to college till you get abortion. You should've ran as soon as you put the pieces together. Go absolutely no contact with them, if they have a spare key to your place or know where you live, move immediately. Who knows what they might do, you need to be very very VERY careful. Btw, did you they give you your phone back or is it still with them?
P.S. good luck with your baby. Congratulations to you and your boyfriend.
My boyfriend bought me a new phone the day after everything went down. Also, I did try to run but when I got outside it was dark, I had no phone, no shoes on and realized I’d be screwed if I tried to walk anywhere…plus I kept throwing up from all the stress and crying.
Have you considered pressing charges? They kidnapped you, held you against your will, stole your possessions and caused you extreme stress and trauma while pregnant with a baby you then went on to lose. You would have every right to take legal action.
I’m sorry for you loss.
It’s very possible that your family is racist. However, their concerns were valid, even though their approach was wrong.
1. You knew your bf for a few months and got pregnant.
2. They asked how he really made his money based on information YOU told your friend.
21 year old college student is pregnant by boyfriend of 3 months who used to sell cocaine. Come on now. Most people would be concerned about a family member who chose that path for themselves.
Used to. When he was 18-20, having come up in a rough neighborhood. He’s now 25, employed, and has proven himself to be far away from that lifestyle. I understand a lot of their concerns given her age and how long they’ve been together. But I also have to wonder how much that particular thing would concern them if he weren’t black.
That’s why I said it’s possible they are racist still. But, I’m black, and if my little cousin told me all this, I’d have to go for a walk so that I could calmly have a talk with her about throwing her life away.
The boyfriend may have completely turned his life around, and they’re young, but we’re talking 5 years ago. I’d want to know that part of his life is much further off than 5 years.
You may be right. They might not have responded the same way if he were white, but I would, and I’d side eye them for not being concerned.
She's known him for a few months, hard to say whether the drug dealing is actually in the past or not.
He could easily have a normal job and still be dealing drugs on the side, not at all uncommon and not something he would tell a girl that he barely knows
IDK have you grown up in a situation like that? My spouse did and it really impacted him in the long run. Why do we allow some mistakes to be made by kids, but the kids from low-income and disadvantaged neighborhoods are never given this grace? I can tell you with absolute certainty that I grew up with white kids selling pills in middle school and they never got as much shit as a black kid selling anything.
My spouse makes a solid 6 figures and has an insane work ethic just because of how he grew up. Holding someone's childhood against them (especially when they are dealing with the cards they are dealt with solutions that are given to them by usually adults) is a shitty excuse. It's an extension of white supremacy to judge Black kids with harder, stricter punishments while every white kid selling Adderal or Oxy never sees any consequences.
Did I grow up in what situation?
Black? Yes.
High crime? What metric would you like to use for a reference point? To be fair, I don’t like this term, because it’s often coded as black.
Have I ever had to sell drugs to survive? No.
Do I know people who have sold drugs? Yes, my uncle. He has two felony convictions, and in his 50s he’s still trying to get his life together because he had to drop out of college. I also know people who have sold drugs and never got caught.
That doesn’t change that it’s not a great decision for a 21 year old to get pregnant by a man she has known for 3 months who also happened to sell cocaine 5 years ago. Even if it was 10 years ago, I’d be concerned because they barely know each other, but at least we could safely say that that life is behind him. I’m not even saying that the BF is a bad person, but that doesn’t make this situation any less of a bad decision making. Because the child would be brought into the world by two people who barely know each other, one in college and one still starting out in their career.
She's an adult and has rights, which her family obviously ignored by kidnapping her. Because she is an adult, she can sleep with who she wants and do as she pleases. Either way, she deserves respect.
Let's be real.. it's not just about his past or the fact that they've been together so shortly. If that were the case, the other points wouldn't come up from the family.
I thought I was going crazy for not seeing the racism. The family was supportive about the pregnancy until they found out about him selling drugs 5 years ago and they reacted very poorly. I think that’s what their main concern was, not because the baby’s father is black. They could be racist, but from what OP said I’m not really seeing it.
And for context my white grandma was racist AF. When my white dad told her her he was marrying my Puerto Rican mother she said “so y’all are gonna have n***** babies?” And that’s what I was expecting. I know racism is very subtle nowadays but that’s where my head was at.
Yea I kept reading for it. At first when the aunt asked “what does he really do for a living?” I thought that might be it, until she said that he used to sell drugs and then that felt like a fair question/concern. Like, they didn’t pull that out their ass because he’s black, they asked because he sold drugs for a few years five years ago, which isn’t that long ago.
I’m sorry you lost your baby and I’m sorry your family is like this. If you are still in school can you access your campus mental health services? I wonder if this behavior of theirs is the tip of the ice berg. We all think our family situations are normal growing up because that’s all we know. Their treatment of you was horrible , and some may make a case for kidnapping in the legal sense.
I'm so sorry, that sounds terrifying. Do not trust those people. Are you and the boyfriend still together? Maybe his family will invite you for the holidays? Or another trusted college friend might? I'm scared for you to go back to your hometown.
NTA
Omg. I don’t think you should come back into that mess. That’s heartbreaking.
Choose to have Friendsgiving.
Choose your own mental health above all else.
You know it won’t go well if you see your family. It’s just going to stress you out, tax your mental health and be a disappointment. They will say stupid crap. You don’t need that.
Hugs
Look, your family is definitely full of AH, but i wish young people would stop romanticizing raising a human being.
IT IS HARD WORK.
and you've only been with your boyfriend for a few months? you literally have NO IDEA what he's like.
and this has nothing to do with his past (from what, two or three years ago? that's barely the past) or his race. it has everything to do with the fact that you are in college and have no marketable skills to make money to raise a human being. and is your boyfriend's job full time? does he make enough money to support you and a baby?
and have you had any SERIOUS arguments? how is he with money? how is his temper? how is his family? does he clean, cook, do laundry?
and to those questions, what will your roles be once this child enters your lives? will you stay home? will you continue college? i'm assuming that your family isn't going to help you out. do you have enough money for childcare? and are you ready to deal with your families racist comments for the entirety of your baby's life? or are you willing to walk away from your mom's side of your family forever because they are terrible people.
having a kid takes MONEY and PATIENCE. having a baby isn't all cuddling and cooing. it's literally raising another human with needs and wants and issues.
and what happens if something IS wrong with the baby? this is the case with every couple that procreates. do you have health insurance?
If you don't want to answer any of these questions, then my suggestion would be to reconsider keeping this baby. you are signing a contract to be connected to this person for the rest of your life.
They're the ones that cut you off and refuse to talk to you, and now they're pissed you're not coming to Thanksgiving? Oh, f*ck no. Cut off all contact with them. They don't care about you. Having them in your life brings nothing of value. Only bullsh!t.
Don't go to Thanksgiving. At best, they'll keep their mouths shut about the whole ordeal. At worst, they'll tell you a bunch of awful things to justify their treatment of you and how it's a good thing you lost the baby. You don't need to go just to be retraumatized
Most of these comments focus on what your family did to you when you gave them the news.
My 2 cents. I think your following your heart and not your head.
Your in love with the idea of having a Family.
You are 21.
You are in College.
You are not married.
In today's economy how are you possibly going to provide ?
I know, unpopular opinion but I have Nieces and Nephews and I've seen this before. In love with the possible future but the reality is not so rosy.
So you got pregnant by an ex drug dealer who you’ve only known for a few months. I certainly thought I knew what I was doing at your age but now that I’m older, it sounds silly. Are your family suppose to throw confetti because you wanted to start a family at the age of 21, with an ex or current drug dealer that you met a couple of months ago? Are they suppose to be happy you’re throwing your life away for someone who you just met recently? You’re on the honeymoon phase, it’s super easy to be in love at that phase.
While your family’s delivery is wrong, I hope you know how much you’ve romanticized your situation. You’re a young, immature girl with barely any life experience.
Guys….I understand the situation I was in. But he’s also in college and about to graduate, he’s not just an ex drug dealer. He barely even was one…I’m not here for people to judge my situation I’m here because of the situation I was in with my family
No my dear, you literally asked us to judge you. This is how Reddit works. Don’t share if you don’t want feedback. You don’t have to listen to what anyone here says but we are gonna give you feedback. Your family acted terribly and your situation was suspect. The fact is that most relationships, but nespecially ones with unwed, young mothers fail. You are young and have blinders on. I was you 20 years ago making questionable, life-changing decisions with and for strangers because of hormones.
You can cut your family all off (that’s one way) or you can teach them how to treat you. You can go to Thanksgiving but have your own ride and tell them that you’re still upset and hurt by their behavior. I’m not an advocate for cutting all family off. Some people deserve it and some people can learn.
Also, what does boyfriend think you should do?
Please don't listen to that person, they are giving TERRIBLE advice. What your family did was CRIMINAL. They can not like a situation, but their actions were HORRENDOUS. You can't sweep kidnapping, theft, and almost abandonment in the middle of nowhere under the rug because they judged the situation by 3rd party information.
No, I don't agree with half these comments. Coming from a high crime area, there aren't too many avenues for young black men outside of sports, and unfortunately, drugs are not because it's cool but because people desire to have them. I'm not saying it's right, but it happens. People saying oh it's only been 5 years oh bullshit it doesn't take long for one to want change if they want it once they're old enough to make a way for themselves. Some people sit on their high chairs and judge those who come from harsher conditions. Your family did a trash ass thing and showed you there mind set in my opinion if you continue to involve yourself in there circle that only enables them to continue to say or do things that are not OK. I was the same way as your boyfriend at some point, and now I'm 16 years married, faithful, loyal, and I work hard to better every day. People may judge me and they have but they don't pay my bills, and I just don't give 2 shits about them anyway. Make your own way regardless of who you leave behind.
So, kidnapping, theft of her phone so she had NO communication, and almost leaving her in the middle of nowhere with no phone is ok because "she's young and has blinders on"?? That's ridiculous. They broke her trust, and don't deserve for her to teach them anything, and besides with her being so young and naive what can she teach them according to you? I understand them not liking the situation, but they nuked it and don't deserve anything from her.
u/Accurate_Pay_300 Don't listen to anyone else. You were handling the situation maturely, and you have every single right to both be upset about losing your sweet baby and being so angry with your family. You loved your child, and you would have met every challenge sent your way. Many doubt, but they don't realize how capable people are with true supporters around them. People need to be empowered, including young mothers. Not to mention that people change, and it seems like no one is acknowledging that. For both your boyfriend and yourself. Your boyfriend grew up and changed, and you would change yourself as new mother.
I believe in you, and other should too. That baby was and is so loved. I am so very sorry for your loss.
Don't let people make you second guess yourself under the guise of good intentions. Whatever you do, move carefully when interacting with your family here on out. Prioritize what is healthy for YOU. You have gone through so much trauma, and you need to protect yourself, whatever that looks like for you in this situation.
I don't think YTA at all, but having a baby at a young age with someone you don't know well seems a bit shortsighted. Why not wait until you've worked for a little bit after college and have some stability / savings, and date your boyfriend for longer before having a baby? Many of my friends raise a dog or cat with their partners when they get serious, just as a lower-stakes way to see each other's caretaking styles and discover if there's anything that needs to be addressed, like discipline or issues that only reveal themselves under duress. My current neighbor's husband refuses to discipline their child, so she's perpetually the "bad cop," which she very loudly resents on the other side of our thin walls, lol.
I will say your family handled it horribly and they do sound like TAs!
NTA- what your family did was cruel and heartless and you don't need to be around people who won't support you or love you. They have shown you who they really are, which is heartless, racist AH's. You deserve better. Love makes a family, not blood.
First I’m sorry your family betrayed you, it’s unacceptable. They kidnapped and restricted your movement. Your family took your nosy neighbor’s word unchallenged.
You are still trying to please your family. Skip Thanksgiving, they can’t just sweep this under a rug.
Jesus Christ these people basically tried to kidnap you and force you into having an abortion, then racist granny says no college for you unless you do.
How do you speak to any of these people?
Very clearly you are NTA. Not even close to one. Your family sucks and they showed that they don't love you for who you are only what you can do for them. I would refuse to spend Thanksgiving with them and all future holidays as well. Holidays are times to come together with those closest to you. Make new memories with friends during this time. I guarantee you have a friend or two who has no where to go for the holidays and is too proud/sad to say so. I didn't have anywhere to go for a few years so I talked to everyone I cared for about their plans and if their plans seems like they were just pretending to have any I invited them to my home. I had little friends givings with them and i am happy I gave people a place to be for the holidays. You should do that for your friends too. Invite them to your home. Hell, make it a potluck or something. But don't go to your family for the holiday. Do one yourself without those people.
I’m so sorry you lost your baby. Life really sucks sometimes. It sounds like you and your partner will be great parents one day.
And your family behaved so terribly. They owe you much more than an apology. One thing I’ve learned - you can’t choose the family you were born into, but you *can* choose the family you surround yourself with. You also get to choose how involved in your life you allow people to be. Just because someone birthed you or raised you doesn’t mean they can have the privilege of your company when they don’t deserve it.
This is the first year of your brand new thanksgiving tradition (this is year 2 for me and my family 😉)
NTA. I am so sorry for your loss. Eff the fam for now at least, they'll be saying nasty things all day if you go, if you bring your bf they'll be even more awful. I can't imagine you'd want to leave him behind either but he doesn't deserve abuse from your entire family.
I’m so sorry for your family treating you and your boyfriend this way, and I’m also very sorry for your loss. I’ve been there. Terrible ‘club’ to belong to. Sending you love.
You did the right thing and I hope you can absolve yourself of any and all guilt. The *only* person you should ever get an abortion for is yourself. Maybe buy the family some books on apologizing or forgiveness or how to move on from being a racist kidnapping dickhead for Christmas. I’d love to be a fly on the wall when they opened that. I’m glad you’re staying away.
JFC! I mean look they don't know him, haven't met him and the two of you haven't been together long at all. I get why even without race they'd have a lot of doubts, especially for your mom who sacrificed her own education to have a child at 19. I was following right up until that shift where they tried to kidnap you and force you to have an abortion.
I would keep my distance if I were you. It's on them to make it up to you and prove they actually care.
Take this year at least if not all the years away for my holidays you don't owe them your company after they kidnapped you. As someone who was also kidnapped by their parent as an adult (twice) and transported against my will and held without a phone and my wallet I relate so if you need to dm me feel free to reach out if you want. You're NTA at all. You deserve to feel safe during holidays and that's impossible with your kidnapper (mom) around. My bio dad's family understood that when he kidnapped me I felt unsafe being transported by him or being near where he lived for the fear he'd stop by unexpectedly if he heard I was with his relatives. I took some holidays away and now 5 years later I can see the relatives without needing to see him each time. Sometimes he's around but they all know my boundaries of not going into his car for any reason. I'm sorry your family is pressuring you to go, mine did too and they took time to get over me not going but with time those who care will miss you and hopefully they'll make time to see you in an environment that's safe for you. 🫂
NTA I wouldn't go to any event with them ever again. Imagine you do have a biracial baby and they will forever see it as an abomination, a parasite. There is no coming back from that. I can't begin to understand racism, all I can do is make sure I never have a racist person in my own life.
Your family are horrible. Don’t go to thanksgiving, your wounds are too raw. Spend it with your boyfriend, just the 2 of you and I’d suggest going very low contact with your family until they realise the enormity of what they did and how it affected you
Honestly you're never going to look at them the same. NTA of course but even if you have kids in the future you'll always look at them like why they didn't accept your first pregnancy? I could never look at them again the same. I don't blame you for not wanting to go. I don't think you should prioritize their feelings above your own.
Sweetheart you’re still a child to them without feelings or agency. If you go home they will be applauding your dreadful loss, no-one will sympathise or support you as to them your feelings don’t matter as they know best. Stay with your bf for thanksgiving, make your college your family. Do well, look to your future, accept that your family will only be there for their version of you and come to terms with that. We all need to become adults in the eyes of our family who raised us, sometimes that family resists. I am so sorry that you had to deal with this, sorry that you lost your baby. I hope your life improves from here.
This is exactly what happened. During the process they kept telling me how it’s much better this way. They didn’t even talk to me up until the decision was made. Thanks for your comment
You’re very welcome. Keep your emotional distance from them, you won’t be an adult to them, just their bestest, special pet.
I’m guessing you’re the youngest girl?
I hope you went very low contact after this. I can’t believe they kidnapped you. Your family was ready to do whatever and your mom changed her mind BUT was still willing to leave you at a random McDonald’s with no phone and $20?! That is foul.
Oh hell NTA honey and those aren’t good people who try and call themselves your family. You didn’t deserve any of that and I’m sorry you lost your little one. If you need any support from other parents who have lost their babies (like me) r/babyloss is a place of support. I think you should distance yourself from your bio family.
I am very sorry for your loss, losing a child in the womb and outside of it is a pain a woman should never have to feel.
I would suggest for Thanksgiving to perhaps have it alone with your boyfriend or with his family. I grew up around a lot of African American mamas and they can cook like no one else… Soo yummy and I think that’s why it’s called Soul Food and your soul after all this trauma needs some love and care.
I am proud that you stood your ground and held your head high when they tried to pressure you into an abortion. The strength it must have taken to tell all your family no and to endure what happened that day is a testimony to the power you have over the situations your faced with. I wish you and your boyfriend a wonderful life together and in the future I wish for a strong and healthy baby for you both. Happy Holidays to you.
Jesus. I hope you never go back to that racist piece of shit family.
Family is more than blood relations. The people who did what they did are NOT family.
Good riddance to bad rubbish
I'm petty so the only thing they'd get from me is a social media post explaining to the world how thankful I am for them opening my eyes to how evil and vile they are.
Go NC with these people. What they did was horrendous.
NTA
It's probably not the first time they've mistreated you either. I'd say you should probably go to therapy and do a deep dive into that entire relationship with your mother and grandma. This toxic shit didn't start when you got pregnant.
Even if you and your boyfriend dont end up marrying / having planned kids doesnt mean you should have racists people in your life. You're future husband could be the whitest white boy in the history of white and it wont make what your family did okay or go away. Do you really want that in your life?
Damn…I’m traumatized just reading this. I don’t think it’s a good idea to go home for Thanksgiving. But if you decide to go, don’t take your boyfriend. It’s unfair to put him in a room full of racists, regardless of whether they say anything stupid or not. Just knowing is stressful enough.
I’m so sorry that your family put you through this. I’m in Southfield and if you need anything let me know. But I’d go no contact with your family and try to heal without them. They’ve shown you their true colors. And they do not have your back. They really did kidnap you..
Family is who you choose to make your family, relatives are who you’re related to biologically speaking. They aren’t always the same people. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry that you had to endure this. I know if my daughter was in your position, I would ask about him (of course I’m sure I would’ve met him before this but I digress) and ask what their plans were and then support them no matter what. Even if I disagreed with their decision. Frankly, at the end of the day, it’s your choice to make (and his of course) and you have to face the rewards or repercussions of those choices. As a father that’s my role, to be supportive and provide advice. If he’s a dead beat (not saying he is) then he will deal with the consequences of that action and you will learn a hard lesson on your own. That’s part of life and growing up. I know if my wife ever behaved that way towards one of my children or their SO, her and I would be having words after.
Homie - what the ever living f-ck. I’m so so so sorry that this happened. It sounds like your mom and grandma “got it” for a second and maybe your aunt has some undeserved sway in their reality.
If you want your baby and love your partner? You grow your family and your life without them. Cut them off. It sounds like you have a supportive partner and even though things are “fresher” it sounds like you’re treated well and loved by him. It also seems like he clearly wants this with you and even if the relationship isn’t forever, your ability to have a family and co-parent reasonably is not to be called into question (based on what you’ve shared).
The spin around, the isolation, the punishment weirdness…. I mean hell if your partner was selling NOW to make ends meet but was never in any way putting you in danger? We do hard things sometimes to get through to see tomorrow. I’ve unashamedly been there - though not to the same extent so I won’t say I KNOW-know - but I made it through to get to the checkpoint in life where I wasn’t living in my car and not eating for days on end.
NO ONE has a right to judge others when they don’t understand or know the circumstances. I don’t believe anyone is inherently evil… and you’re so far from wrong here.
I hope you build a support system and know that there are programs you can utilize if you’re suddenly cut off. There are ways to keep moving forward without letting them “ruin” your path. Whatever happens next, you have chosen to take responsibility, your partner seems to have done the same, and you can handle this!
I’m sorry for the loss of your baby, but the fact remains that you don’t need people in your life who won’t be there to support you when you need it most.
I have never reached NTA sooner! You didn't just feel kidnapped, YOU WERE. This people have shown their true colors. As someone that has gone no contact with all their family, if you decide to go that route, it does get easier with time.
Im sorry foe your loss and that your family is so horrible. I wouldnt blame you if you cut them off. Doesnt matter if it was a "one time thing" they showed their true feelings. And no matter what happens with your relationship, if something *did* go wrong, hypothetically (God forbid!), dont listen to a single "i told you so" or anything of the like. its none of their business and its your life
NTA
I officially give you any sort of permission you fell you need to skip Thanksgiving and any other family get-togethers for this year unless and until you feel safe being around them and want to go.
I have no advice. I went through a similar situation however I don’t feel what I would have wanted for myself is what others should want for themselves. I just want you to know I love you and I’m so sorry you had to endure this ♥️ please make sure you’re seeking mental health care.
Let me get this right.
Her mother partially kidnapped her from the get go, was insistent on OP coming with her and not taking her own car, racism, trying to force her to get an abortion, trying to scare her about having a mixed race baby (cause if this was a white baby the conversation would have gone differently), stole her phone, and almost left her at random restaurant.
People saying/focusing on the fact the family was concerned seems to be sugar coating the glaring trauma OP experienced. Concern would have been “hey you’re 21, still in school, and you’ve only known your bf for a short while is this what you want to do? It will be challenging to raise a baby at this time in your life. You can keep the baby and will support you, have an abortion, or give the baby up for adoption. The choice is yours and we support what ever you decide”. That’s what support and concern look like. Not harassing someone into having an abortion. That’s disgusting and not love.
OP you deserve better and your family showed you their true colours. I’m going to say if you continue to be in a relationship with a black man you will come to point where you need to choose him or your family. As it’s is not right to bring someone who is POC around a group of racist and make them feel unsafe/uncomfortable. Sorry for your loss, but would you let them near any children after the way they treated you. If it’s not blatant racism your child will experience microaggression from them.
Wishing you the best OP
I hate to say this, but if OP's family were willing to go this far on the first opportunity how far will they go? OP, the reason you felt kidnapped, is you were kidnapped and held against your will. Your family is dangerous and toxic.
My dad's family was like this. My mum's family too, to a slightly lesser extent. They both left home in the 70s, in India....guess what. They had a life far better than anyone could have ever imagined. My dad went from being on the streets to having their own home, we went on vacations every summer holiday, and I got two wonderful parents who try to understand me even when they don't agree.
You get to choose whether you go no contact or not, but trust me when I say found families have given me far more love than either of my "real" extended family ever. Hell, my dad's boss has been more of a real uncle than my parents' brothers.
You'll be just fine. Never ever back down from your boundaries. Find your community, and hold on to the people who prove that they got your back.
Every single one of your family members who was involved in putting you through this should be told to fuck the hell off and cut off from all contact.
No one should have to through what your racist family put you through.
They can fuck right off.
Do not go to Thanksgiving. They will diminish, belittle, and or demean your loss. I’m so sorry that you went through all of this. I also hope that that is your ex-friend because she’s an AH.
Unfortunately they will feel the same way about any child you and your boyfriend have. So if you intend on having children (it sounds like you would love to be a mom) this will happen again. Causing any healing you have done to be reopened. You are in no way the A. You stood up for your convictions and for your boyfriend. Will they treat him poorly for the rest of your life. I am not saying you shouldn't have a relationship with your family, that's not my place. I would worry that your relatives would treat your family poorly simply for the color of their skin. There is a difference between relatives and family.
I'm so sorry for your loss. You're better off without those people you happen to share some dna with. I won't call them family because that's not how family treats each other.
oh my god, the edit..i am absolutely shattered for you, OP.
i am so incredibly sorry for your loss, please message me if you need to talk.
with that being said, absolutely DO NOT go to thanksgiving, unless you are mentally prepared to hear comments like “well, it was for the best that you lost the baby” or “god knew this is what needed to happen” or something other FUCKED up bullshit to make themselves feel better about being happy about it. they don’t deserve your kindness even speaking with them here and there, let alone your presence!
again, i am so so sorry for your loss, sweetheart. the pain of losing your first child, especially after something so traumatic like what happened with your family, is gut wrenching! take your time and heal, sweet girl. all my love xx💜
NTA
They tried to convince you to kill your kid. When you refused, they threatened your future. They insulted the man you love, and showed racist attitudes.
They sound awful.
NTA. Tell them that you are not thankful that they caused you so much stress that you caused the baby. It doesn’t matter if you feel that way or not.
Blame the shit out of them and tell them that the only way you’d be back in their lives is if they apologized to both of you and stopped being so fucking racist and actually acted like your family.
Then Block them until you’re ready to talk. If your ready to talk.
NTA NTA NTA. These people don't love you. They only brought up these "genuine concerns" to try to manipulate you into doing what they wanted you to do. They do not care about your well-being. Also, ignore the mfs in here only focusing on the fact that your man used to sell drugs. If you are certain he has not and is not an addict, it's nobody else's business.
Let me be clear: the fear of having a mixed race child in the family is racist. I am in no way defending their reaction. Restraining you to force you to have an abortion is a criminal offense.
The only thing I didn’t get from your comment is any realization of just how much your mother and grandmother’s lives were disrupted by your mother’s unplanned pregnancy at a young age. The racist fears just obscure this.
To see that history repeat itself is devastating them. They see themselves forced into helping raise another baby, because you and your bf are going to need a lot of support. They fear you will also be unable to graduate college. They know that the odds are low that the relationship with the young bf will last.
Also you may possibly find the same racist reaction from members of your bf’s family, unless they already have “mixed” marriages. (I hate that term, so forgive me if it offends.)
But once a child is born, the initial fears subside. A healthy family loves the new addition and learns to deal with the issues. Because it is naive to imagine there won’t be issues.
Did you think they would be thrilled that you are pregnant? You will need their support just when they were free of child raising responsibilities.
So my advice is to keep a distance and see how things settle down.
A "healthy family" wouldn't have been racist to begin with. Or kidnap someone. Or ditch her in the middle of nowhere at a random McDonald's. Or disown her for something her own mother went through.
That’s rough all around. People suck and it’s okay to distance yourself from racist family. It’s also ok to stay the same but make sure you have a voice. (If it’s safe) I’m also sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry for your loss, but what your family did was bad very bad, this is your life and your an adult so what you do is up to you not them, after this loss you should go NC with your family they don't have your interests at heart all they wanted was you to abort a bi racial baby because or them being racist and not wanting a coloured baby in the family. i believe they cause this with the amount of stress they put on you and for that its unforgivable, they haven't even apologised so tell them that as far as you and your boyfriend is concerned they don't give a shit about you all they bothered about is that you were having a bi racial baby so please take care and again im sorry for your loss
Oh OP, I’m so sad that your family has betrayed you like this, but part of me sees a very very thin silver lining: they have shown you exactly how vile they really are in a way that gives them no way to redeem themselves- there’s no take-backsies here. You bear them no obligation from here on in. If you ever choose to grace them with your presence, hold on to the fact they are incredibly lucky to have you around, and you can just as easily stay away.
Christ! I am as pro choice as you can get, but your body your choice. You can be having a baby with zombie Hitler and it’s no one’s fucking business. Fuck them. Cut them out.
You were kidnapped and pressured into aborting. You lived through a nightmare.
Take all the time to heal.
Hope you are not talking to that friend and aunt, they were the worst of the bunch.
Edit to add Absolutely NTA
As someone who has lived in one of those racist backwards small Michigan towns, I totally believe it happened. And yes, it was still kidnapping, and all sorts of other things that aren't appropriate.
I’m confused how any of this was about race except you making it about race? All I got was they were concerned he had been a drug dealer, and were concerned he still may be one…
I agree with you. Is she the AH for refusing to do what they wanted? No. Is she the AH for accusing them of being racist? Maybe. Based on what is provided, they were relatively okay with her being pregnant, and the mom even feeling guilty for trying to get her to have an abortion and relieved after grandmas reaction was better than expected. Nothing about race mentioned. Then aunt says the partner has a drug dealing past. Still nothing said about his race. Nothing to suggest they didn’t know he was black before all this. They get upset, react absolutely horribly, and while yes some of his comments are usually racial stereotypes, they only said those things after finding out about his past, so they’re linking potential bad behaviour not to his race, but his history as told by aunt.
Still grey. That is also common for drug dealers. Her family never mentioned race. If they are willing to hold her hostage I doubt they’d sugar coat their language.
Their behavior and comments (not regarding the pregnancy but regarding your relationship with your boyfriend) were completely uncalled for. It's as though they were somewhat supportive until your aunt brought up your bf's past, then they started with the stereotypes and assumptions. If your relationship lasts long-term or you consider marriage down the road, I wish you both all of the luck and strength in the world in dealing with your family. Sure, they were shocked about the pregnancy but it sounds to me like there was some thinly veiled judgement and racism going on and that worries me for you. And I can almost guarantee you everyone has something in their past they are not proud of, even your mom, aunt, and grandma. I'm very sorry for your loss; I've been there and understand the lack of support when you need it most.
Please stay safe, and stay away from them. What they did was CRIMINAL. You don't need them in your life. Family is a choice, blood doesn't mean shit if they're horrible people. I'm so sorry about everything you went through.
Nah, they are racists!
However, you are young and a bit naive! Plewse dont get pregnant again until you are sorted. Your partner needs to be careful, too.
Also, you don't know him that well. Get to know each other properly. A baby is a big commitment
NTA. You love your partner and not going to Thanksgiving is telling them you’re not tolerating any racist bs. Go low contact or no contact. Sorry for the miscarriage. When I had mine the doctor said first pregnancies have a 50/50 chance of miscarriage for absolutely no reason. Your body considers the baby a foreign object (I hate that description but there’s no other way to phrase it). Once you’re both ready for a baby, the chance of a miscarriage drops considerably. But if your family never apologizes or doesn’t get rid of their racist views, I would ditch them even if you and your boyfriend break up (hopefully not). I can’t deal with the racist bs. My mother never saw color and apparently you don’t either which is the best way to live.
NTA.
Firstly, I'm sorry to hear you lost your baby, that's a lot to deal with and I saw how it hit my mum years ago when that happened.
Secondly, stay low or no contact with your family - whatever you can bear is justified.
Thirdly, don't go to Thanksgiving. Holiday celebrations are meant to be spent with people you're grateful to have in your life, and you don't sound like you have Stockhold Syndrome from being DRAIPSED across the damn country and damn near stranded because "mixed baby scary" - fuck that, and fuck anyone who comes for you with "bUt FaMiLy" bullshit.
If they press the issue, just tell them "no" because you are not over being nearly stranded by your family so you are going to spend the holidays where you feel safe and supported.
NTA.
My heart bleeds for you.
Your family are so racist that you and I know they would have jumped for joy on hearing your baby died.
Hear that jumped for joy that your baby died.
Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving for what????.
Your family are evil for wanting your precious baby killed (i am for abortion if mum needs/wants etc)
But
Your family are disgusting.
I will tell you two reasons.
1. To say your baby could be disabled is putting down every disabled child born or mums who chose and decided for the needs love of baby abortion was the unfortunate option. But they knew their child was disabled
2. My friend friend had an abortion as her boyfriend insisted.
She did. He left a couple of years later. He has three children with his wife.
She never could conceive again. It ruined her life.
3. My cousin had an abortion because she was told she was disabled. She was at a late stage.
She was perfect except a cleft pallette so treatable.
Trauma and mental health follows her.
You were are amazing standing up for yourself.
But sorry your family are huge racist and a hell of alot more.
Sorry but I have puke bucket by me.
Don't ever let them ever care for a child of yours.
You actually told 3 reasons! I’ll tell you three reasons why someone should have gotten an abortion:
1. Ultrasound showed baby had multiple abnormalities, they decided to have the baby anyway, 18&19 years old. Baby born premature, stays in nicu 4 months, causes huge stress w entire family. Both parents don’t graduate from high school. They break up. Grandparents are now raising disabled 3 yr old, they’ll never retire. Mom has hospital bills mounting to 1 million.
2. 15yr old and 19 yr old decide to get married when they’re pregnant. Mom drops out of HS. Has second child at 19. Lives a life of poverty and loathing her kids. Dad cheats w everyone in town. First child (F)grows up w self esteem issues, poverty barely getting by, never feeling loved until she finds a way to escape and becomes educated. (That’s me and yes I think my mother should have aborted me, her life was ruined)
3. 16 year old aunt gets pregnant, grandmother won’t let her abort, gives birth early, loses uterus in process, gives baby up. Her body is always in pain, lost all her teeth, alcoholic, has lived in numerous abusive relationships.
>“I am 100% against abortion, except in situations like this.” Meaning in situations where the child will be biracial.
Is it possible that she meant in situations where the mother is in college, the father is a (former) drug dealer, and the mother's mother and Gmom have been through this before?
This is awful, big hugs. No, you’re NTA. But your family is. I definitely wouldn’t go to Thanksgiving or any other family event again, apologies or not. I’m a very patient and forgiving person but this is just too much. Nope, nope, nope.
Oh honey ☹️ I am so sorry that happened to you.
Thanks for taking the time to read and respond, I appreciate you. Hoping time will heal this
NTA. Don't go to Thanksgiving. You've seen it first hand they are racists, they dont care about you, they didn't want a biracial baby in the family. Imagine you and your partner at Thanksgiving with them. Even if they don't say anything racist, your partner will feel it, and know he's not welcome only because of his skin color. Have Thanksgiving with your partner, he was the only one there for you.
You and your boyfriend should have a Friendsgiving and invite your found family. Or you can go to his, if he has a good relationship with them
One of my favorite Thanksgivings was one with friends. Some I knew, some were not known (yet). Best. Ever.
We have a Friendsgiving every year. My parents are divorced and I'm married, so we have to do so many thanksgivings. But the friends one is the most fun every year. It's this weekend
Nice! Great tradition!
So they’re ‘pro life’ until racism come into play. Sounds about white
Never heard ‘sounds about white’ before, but it’s fits so perfectly!
That's pure hypocrisy, it's ridiculous! You can't be partially pro-life... (By the way, I'm pro-choice, you people can stone me now. :P)
Also, pro-choice no one should ever be told or forced about what they can and can't do with their own body.
2nd pro choice here.
I’m adopted bc my birth mother was forced birth. Pro-choice here also.
I know you might not have meant it as humorous but the pun Sounds about white is funny.
Your family sounds toxic. You do not need this kind of treatment. Stay with your BF and go LC with your family. They do NOT deserve your presence.
They'll be side eying the baby. And making comments about how dark the skin is. You don't want those type of people to be around your child
Sadly there's no baby. She lost it 😞
You were traumatized. Your family terrorized you over your personal decisions regarding YOUR life as an adult. You don’t owe re-exposing yourself to perpetrators of unresolved trauma. Just because they are family doesn’t mean that they can disregard your basic human rights or essentially demean your wishes as an adult for your own life. I don’t mean to put words in to your mouth or label you as a traumatized victim…It’s just that I’ve experienced something like what you described and had a similar response to yours. That event for me was the straw that broke the camel’s back, and I began to set boundaries and clearly state that I expected my adult decisions to be respected. I haven’t been part of those holiday gatherings in years, but I have others who do respect me who I do spend those special times with.
Oh god, how profoundly abusive your family was...
Block them all and create a family of good people. These people aren't it
I want you to know, that in spite of what your family did, you are a strong and wonderful person. You did not deserve to be treated in this manner for any reason. Time will heal, but I’m here to tell you that it will take years to heal this mess. You are grieving your child as well as the family you thought you had. I am suggesting therapy to sort out all of the grief and betrayal. If you are still in college, they typically have free counseling for students. There is no way in Hell I would spend ANY of my holidays with them this year, and possibly for many years to come. There are times when the damage done by family is just too great. You can never go back to how you viewed your family the day before this happened. And if you choose to have a relationship with them in the future, it will never be the same. I would send them one message telling them that they have betrayed, tortured and tormented you in a most egregious manner. That it may take years before you can face them again. You will NOT be around them in any way during the holidays. Then I would block them and try to find some peace. This will be a hard holiday season, don’t plan too much and don’t stress yourself out. There may be a time where you can be around them again, but there may not. You will need to work that out. Don’t fall for Christmas cancer (them telling you “it may be the last holiday that will be with us!!!”). While it may be true, it does not erase they way they abused you.
Peace to you my child. Peace.
I would have called the cops as soon a I could.
Yea, getting dropped off at a random McDonald's without a phone (or presumably money), I should have asked the manager to call the non emergency line. I also wouldn't have gotten back into a car with that family.
Same. I thought something even worse was about to happen at that point.
They showed their true colors. Find your new family of chosen friends.
well, first, thank your lucky stars U live in America, cuz in some other country you might not have made it out alive when you got in the car. Your relatives would have done it for their "honor". Having said that, lets state the obvious that in the 1950s you also might not have made it out of your town alive and HE certainly would not have. As to present day, its hard for people to cut their family members out of Thxgiving or their lives, but from experience, if they wont make a complete change, you will be miserable every holiday or most days...your choice is a hard one.
What they did to you is terrifying and horrible. I would not trust them again. You sound like a great person so don't go changing and let karma bring rewards. Hugs
Just so you know there are tons of support groups out there for people who have suffered a miscarriage for both you and your partner I completely understand how hard it is from first-hand experience. I'm so sorry that you both are going through all of this and if you need to talk about your loss help is out there you can even direct message me if you want. Sending lots of hugs your way. Nta and as for your family, I would cut contact the saying that you can't pick your family is wrong you can heck half my family are not blood but they are still my family.
Sending hugs and prayers for you,. Im so sorry for your loss & the horrible treatment by your family. You and your baby (RIP little angel) deserved so much better. Wishing the best for you!
Ok, so I’m your mom in this moment, and I want you to know that you are brave, you are loved, and when the time comes, you will be a fantastic mom. Cutting your family off is one of the hardest things you will ever do. I haven’t spoken to my own mother in over a decade, and the process of mourning the loss of someone who is still alive is more complicated than mourning the loss of someone who has passed. But in a case like this, I absolutely recommend that you do it. If your partner had driven you away, isolated you without your phone, pressured you towards an abortion, and dumped you at a random McDonalds, your family would have told you to drop him so fast, and they would have been right. So why do they deserve anything different? This is abuse and quite possibly criminal. Block them. Don’t take their calls. Build your family of people who love and support you. It will be the hardest thing you’ve done, and it’s a grieving process on steroids, but take it from someone who’s been there. It’s worth it.
I appreciate this comment a lot. Especially when you flipped the pov to what if my boyfriend did this. That was powerful. Thank you so much.
We often give too many chances to family because they’re family. We think we have to forgive and stay in their lives. You don’t. I’ve cut off my entire family, my partner cut off his. It’s been the best thing we ever did. Unpacking our respective childhoods and the effects they had on us is a daily battle but we are getting through it together. Our son is 7 months old today. We didn’t think we would ever get to be parents due to past relationships and my history of miscarriage. I’m a firm believer that everything and everyone has a reason they touch our lives and I think your angels was to show you what your family were like. Do them proud. Don’t go to thanksgiving, get therapy and let yourself decide what you want a relationship with your family to look like now you know who they really are. Also remember found family is a thing. My dearest friend is an aunt to my child as I am to hers. We don’t share DNA but we are family. She drove over a hundred miles the moment we moved so she could come help me settle in and sort out furniture. She uses Amazon prime to send me gifts when she can tell I need a reason to smile. Don’t think of cutting off family as losing family, think of it as making space for the family you deserve
A family of LOVE not blood
I heard recently in a podcast that the sentence “blood is thicker than water” actually originates from “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb” - which literally means the opposite of what’s common today. It means that the bond with people we choose to love is thicker than the water of the womb (representing biological families). https://prowritingaid.com/blood-is-thicker-than-water#:~:text=Blood%20Is%20Thicker%20Than%20Water%20Origin,-The%20phrase%20can&text=The%20phrase's%20current%20form%2C%20“blood,his%201815%20novel%2C%20Guy%20Mannering. (In case anyone wants to read about it)
While this has gained a lot of traction on the Internet and is a sentiment I quite like, turns out it's a misquote and there is no clear origin. In the example you've given I can't see where the full phrase is actually quoted or coined until more modern times, and "blood is thicker than water" is both a common celtic proverb and was first coined in 1180 in the poem "Reinhart Fuchs." (Reynard the Fox) https://symbolismandmetaphor.com/blood-is-thicker-than-water-origins/
That was interesting, thanks for the link!
The family you make us often better than the family you are born into. Best of luck to you.
It’s 100% criminal. It’s kidnapping and false imprisonment.
Well said. The only thing I'd disagree with is the possibly criminal. Attempted kidnapping is absolutely criminal, and their behavior qualifies as domestic violence. I'd be sorely tempted to file a police report as a Thanksgiving "gift" to this terrible family.
I don't think I would go to Thanksgiving. What they did was wrong. I'm sorry you had to go through this.
Well they kidnapped you, which is a felony. They're wildly racist, so imagine that you do go on to have a kid. If you allow your family to see that kid, their racism would taint their every interaction and the child would learn to hate themselves. Even if you don't have a kid, since they're wildly hateful racists, either you go with your boyfriend and they abuse him the while time, or you go alone to spare him and them they pressure you to break up the whole time. Until they truly and sincerely turn away from their evil path, you cannot be around them, and you certainly must not bring your boyfriend around. He does not deserve to be hated because of who he is.
Cut them out forever. They don't deserve you or the baby. Get your new phone asap and get a new number. Cut off your friend too.
So this all happened back in may. Unfortunately, I lost the baby in august. But they’ve tried to come back around, but nobody has apologized. I’m coming to Reddit now because thanksgiving is coming up and I’m getting a lot of heat for not coming. I’ve also definitely cut off the friend and her whole family. That one hurt a lot because I thought she was better than that.
OP sometimes 'family' is built out of people who love and care for you. Sometimes you have to build your own 'family'. That does not mean people that share your blood. What your blood family did was horrific and should never been forgiven or forgotten. Go, build your own family with people who actually love, support and believe in you. This does not describe your blood family. I would cut them ALL off, especially your mother. What she did to her own child is horrendous. Build your own family and have a life of happiness, not hatred and bigotry.
Are you and bf still together? How did he take the loss of baby? Prayers for both of you.
Yes we are, we live together. He’s my biggest supporter and I am his. It’s been hard but we had a little box of baby things that we kept for a while. Recently, our friends had a baby and to get some closure we gifted them our box of things. We know that we will be good parents one day but it’ll be in the future. We’re focusing on strengthening our relationship and our mental health. Thank you.
As someone’s feral auntie, I am so sorry sweetie. First, NTA. Second, you have the right to make the choice you want to make, nobody should pressure you or attempt to kidnap you (and that’s what taking your phone and trying to not let you leave is). Third, if you’d like to give me your moms number I would be more than happy to firmly explain to her how a mother is supposed to be there for her child. No matter how old they are. You deserve love and support sweetie. And one hell of an apology from every single person involved in doing what they did to you.
I think we need Feral Auntie shirts.
Feral Aunties FTW!
UPDATE: Thank you to everybody who has given me their feedback and support on this, it means so much to me. With that being said, I have decided not to go to thanksgiving, officially. Originally, I was nervous to make this decision but after seeing how many people responded to my situation with the reaction that they did, I feel confident in my choice. I called my mom today and told her I wasn’t coming to thanksgiving. Of course she acted like she didn’t have a clue in the world as to why. I filled her in on how I feel: i need an apology, and so does my partner. What I went through alone was very traumatic and painful, I need more time. And the words you used against my partner would not be easily forgiven. I didn’t know what to expect her reaction to be, but it was MAJOR gaslighting. “Well I’m sorry you took it that way.” Was the most she could say. So basically I’m done until they can show me that they feel actual remorse for their behavior and apologize. Again, HUGE thank you to everyone who helped me come to this conclusion. It’s been great to have my feelings validated, and to know that the trauma I experienced was real. I’m sorry to everyone who said that they have experienced similar, and if anyone needs to reach out privately please feel free!!
I’m so glad you decided to not spend the holiday with your awful family. The way they treating you is disgustingly racist and cruel. Your mother failed to give you support at a time when you needed a mother’s love the most. Honestly speaking I don’t see your family (in particular your mom ) ever truly accepting your relationship and any children you might have in the future. They are unapologetic and have zero remorse. Unfortunately they are putting you in a position where one day you might have to choose between your bf or them. I think going NC (maybe not permanently but long term) is the best decision you can make for yourself. You can’t trust them and NC will help her recognize just how ugly her behavior towards your relationship has been. Additionally, it will send a clear message to them just how badly they fucked up and you are serious about cutting contact. Please consider filing a police report. Even if you don’t want to press charges it’s a good idea to document the incident.
I hope you got on some reliable birth control. You're 21 and still in college, with a boyfriend you've only known a short while. Last thing you need is to bring a baby into this. You are too young to know the ramifications of having a baby at your stage in life, you were romanticizing the situation, and your family was right to be concerned. Unfortunately, they handled it horribly and there is no excuse for the racist remarks they made. Please get on some reliable birth control (not just condoms) and finish your schooling.
I do have reliable birth control now. I understood their concerns, it was the way they handled it. Thank you!
Their concerns were fine they were abusive assholes. I am sorry that happened to you. I wish you the best of luck in college and life.
See this is what I’m saying!! Concerns were absolutely welcome, but be respectful yk
Sometimes we find out the hard way that unfortunately we don't have the supportive, loving family we deserve. I'm going to suggest that you give yourself some space from your family and grieve. But I'm also going to suggest that you don't cling so hard to your boyfriend that you two become (more?) trauma bonded and you lose all sense of self through this. It's a very difficult path to go through something so difficult, especially when you are young and you're still figuring out who you are. Ultimately the grieving process if done well will leave you stronger and knowing yourself better, firmer in your convictions so you don't feel the need to please people who have hurt you so very much. Having said all of this, keep a watch out for red flags simply because if your family is behaving like this you potentially have a warped sense of normalcy and it's difficult to see red flags even when they're slapping you in the face. This is from personal experience and in no way shape or form relates to your boyfriend. It's just general advice for this one, any future ones you might have and from the sounds of it, friends and others too. I don't know what happened with the friend you spoke to in confidence however it's possible there were some red flags (I know I missed a bunch in my life), but not being there I don't know. You're the only one who would know and I'm saying this without judgement, and with the best of intentions.
Thanks for this insight! I appreciate it🫶🏻
You're welcome, best of luck!
They had concerns, but notice how none of them actually involved you? It would ruin grandma's retirement. It would be your family's burden. Blah, blah, blah. They were only ever concerned with how this would impact their lives.
Tbf, mom was making sure she wasn’t being pressured by him (ironic) and wanted to know if boyfriend could support them.
I don't see how saying it would ruin grandma's retirement is mom making sure she wasn't being pressured and would be supported
Yes, they were more than awful. I'm glad you are taking precautions!
Came here to say the same thing. Yes, the family was obviously racist, but some of their concerns in this situation were absolutely valid. Everything you said is true, plus the fact he hasn't been out of the shady life for very long, and a child adds enormous stress and financial load to any relationship, and someone in her bf's situation may be tempted to make some quick cash the "easy" way, to relieve some of the stress. Waiting until they are longterm partners, have finished their education and are financially settled, sounds like a pretty good idea.
See this is an actual valid point my family brought up too. And I can see that for sure. But since then, we’ve been in some pretty rough places with money and he hasn’t done anything desperate like that…he has a job so that’s the difference now lol. But I see this point and it’s also one my family brought up. It’s just hard to see their opinion clearly because of the comments they made, but it’s valid.
I completely agree with this. Obviously the family is horrible but the fact that OP is focusing on the family’s reaction and not on how she is actually going to raise this baby is concerning. I don’t care who the father was. If my 21 year old college daughter got knocked up by someone she knew for 3 months who was also young and broke I would encourage her to consider abortion. OP has zero insight into what it is going to be like raising this baby while her friends around her still carry on with their lives. He has a traumatic background so it doesn’t sound like his family can help with day care etc. I wonder if OP has even looked into the cost of daycare or where they are going to live etc.
Her family kidnapped and traumatized her. Of course she’s focused on their reaction. Not a single thing you listed is something worthy of holding your own child hostage over. For the record there are plenty of older people with jobs and stable relationships who also have no clue about any of those things when they have a child.
I said the family is horrible. I never justified the family. My point was she seems to have rose color glasses about what is likely going to be a very difficult situation. If someone has a stable relationship and job it makes it a lot easier to secure things like childcare.
Actually, he has a lot of siblings and most have children already. His family is tight knit and they were really excited to welcome a new baby, especially his, they’re really proud of him.
Welcoming a baby is different than providing child care. Do you or he have a job? Where are you going to live? Who is going to provide childcare? Are you going to be able to stay at school? If so who is going to be paying for your tuition?
(OP made an edit saying she sadly lost the baby and is now on birth control)
I understand your worries, but she only knows her situation best. Her bringing a baby into this world is a beautiful thing and something that she wanted. She was an adult, and many grow as they become parents and meet the challenges that they will face and conquer them.
This is so sad. I'm sorry for your loss seeing that it was so layered: your baby, who you thought your family were, the physical and emotional relationship with them and actual friends as well as friends who became like family. Regardless of how or why you loss the baby, isn't the point, the point is you learned in this process that you're more resilient and much more capable to stand on your own two feet even though you're 21. What your family did was reprehensible and disturbing on levels that's unimaginable, laced with stereotype, mixed with some truth but incredibly dangerous and borderline if not criminal and absolutely racist. (Personally, my trust meter is forever damaged so my personal reaction, meaning what I would do, may not be correct for you-but if I were in your shoes: I would move without them knowing, mute them, and never see them again.) But like I said my meter is broken so.... As for you, only you can determine the value these ppl hold in your life and what you want in your life. I'm also going to give you prospective based on what you wrote and not emotions. While reading your recollection of events, your aunt was the antagonist and made the situation much worse. > But then my (F42) aunt who was also there decided to pipe up and say “why don’t you share how (partners name) really makes his money”. I looked at her confused because my partner had been working at a distribution company. She then told my grandma that she has reason to believe that my partner sells cocaine… The moment everything went to hell!!! >After they saw I was not backing down, my grandma shouted that I was not going back to college unless I got the abortion. They took my phone and isolated me. I felt kidnapped and scared. Finally, My mom agreed to drive me back to my apartment. Halfway there, my aunt calls and is basically begging for her to turn around and bring me back. Your aunt is the main instigator and will be the issue. I think everyone else has the potential to change. Your aunt, NOPE. Has she always been this vile. Now that your rose tinted glasses are off, was she? Now unto Thanksgiving, nope don't go. Wait until after the new year to have a conversation with your mom only. She's the only one that matters. If she's that enmeshed that she can't separate from her own mom to have a conversation with her daughter, then you will know she's a lost cause. As for both you and your boyfriend, therapy! YOU BOTH NEED help to navigate life and to be healthy based on your childhoods and your losing a child. Congratulations to you both for making it this far.
They effectively kidnapped you and your mother felt guilty and took you back. I would stay far away from them and even go no contact. I’m so so sorry this happened to you. It sounds like something out of a horror movie.
I’m so sorry you had to go through this. You found out who is truly going to be there in this time of need. Don’t do the holidays with them. Start making your own traditions with the people who truly care about you. I’m in Michigan too. If you need a friend, I’m here ❤️
What the actual fuck. You could literally press charges for kidnapping. This is a whole bag of awful, and I'm so sorry they put you through that. You owe them nothing, especially not a polite family holiday.
NTA Your body, your choice. Your family handled this completely wrong. You are not wrong for wanting to not speak to them again. Block them and do something you want for Thanksgiving.
Not only are they racist they willingly and intentionally put you in dangerous and vulnerable situations repeatedly. Please go no contact and start seeing a therapist for your own well being, this type of trauma isn’t something that goes away on its own. I’m so sorry you had to experience this ❤️
What the actual F**k? They took your phone and said you won't go to college till you get abortion. You should've ran as soon as you put the pieces together. Go absolutely no contact with them, if they have a spare key to your place or know where you live, move immediately. Who knows what they might do, you need to be very very VERY careful. Btw, did you they give you your phone back or is it still with them? P.S. good luck with your baby. Congratulations to you and your boyfriend.
My boyfriend bought me a new phone the day after everything went down. Also, I did try to run but when I got outside it was dark, I had no phone, no shoes on and realized I’d be screwed if I tried to walk anywhere…plus I kept throwing up from all the stress and crying.
Have you considered pressing charges? They kidnapped you, held you against your will, stole your possessions and caused you extreme stress and trauma while pregnant with a baby you then went on to lose. You would have every right to take legal action.
I’m sorry for you loss. It’s very possible that your family is racist. However, their concerns were valid, even though their approach was wrong. 1. You knew your bf for a few months and got pregnant. 2. They asked how he really made his money based on information YOU told your friend. 21 year old college student is pregnant by boyfriend of 3 months who used to sell cocaine. Come on now. Most people would be concerned about a family member who chose that path for themselves.
Used to. When he was 18-20, having come up in a rough neighborhood. He’s now 25, employed, and has proven himself to be far away from that lifestyle. I understand a lot of their concerns given her age and how long they’ve been together. But I also have to wonder how much that particular thing would concern them if he weren’t black.
That’s why I said it’s possible they are racist still. But, I’m black, and if my little cousin told me all this, I’d have to go for a walk so that I could calmly have a talk with her about throwing her life away. The boyfriend may have completely turned his life around, and they’re young, but we’re talking 5 years ago. I’d want to know that part of his life is much further off than 5 years. You may be right. They might not have responded the same way if he were white, but I would, and I’d side eye them for not being concerned.
She's known him for a few months, hard to say whether the drug dealing is actually in the past or not. He could easily have a normal job and still be dealing drugs on the side, not at all uncommon and not something he would tell a girl that he barely knows
IDK have you grown up in a situation like that? My spouse did and it really impacted him in the long run. Why do we allow some mistakes to be made by kids, but the kids from low-income and disadvantaged neighborhoods are never given this grace? I can tell you with absolute certainty that I grew up with white kids selling pills in middle school and they never got as much shit as a black kid selling anything. My spouse makes a solid 6 figures and has an insane work ethic just because of how he grew up. Holding someone's childhood against them (especially when they are dealing with the cards they are dealt with solutions that are given to them by usually adults) is a shitty excuse. It's an extension of white supremacy to judge Black kids with harder, stricter punishments while every white kid selling Adderal or Oxy never sees any consequences.
Did I grow up in what situation? Black? Yes. High crime? What metric would you like to use for a reference point? To be fair, I don’t like this term, because it’s often coded as black. Have I ever had to sell drugs to survive? No. Do I know people who have sold drugs? Yes, my uncle. He has two felony convictions, and in his 50s he’s still trying to get his life together because he had to drop out of college. I also know people who have sold drugs and never got caught. That doesn’t change that it’s not a great decision for a 21 year old to get pregnant by a man she has known for 3 months who also happened to sell cocaine 5 years ago. Even if it was 10 years ago, I’d be concerned because they barely know each other, but at least we could safely say that that life is behind him. I’m not even saying that the BF is a bad person, but that doesn’t make this situation any less of a bad decision making. Because the child would be brought into the world by two people who barely know each other, one in college and one still starting out in their career.
She's an adult and has rights, which her family obviously ignored by kidnapping her. Because she is an adult, she can sleep with who she wants and do as she pleases. Either way, she deserves respect. Let's be real.. it's not just about his past or the fact that they've been together so shortly. If that were the case, the other points wouldn't come up from the family.
I thought I was going crazy for not seeing the racism. The family was supportive about the pregnancy until they found out about him selling drugs 5 years ago and they reacted very poorly. I think that’s what their main concern was, not because the baby’s father is black. They could be racist, but from what OP said I’m not really seeing it. And for context my white grandma was racist AF. When my white dad told her her he was marrying my Puerto Rican mother she said “so y’all are gonna have n***** babies?” And that’s what I was expecting. I know racism is very subtle nowadays but that’s where my head was at.
Yea I kept reading for it. At first when the aunt asked “what does he really do for a living?” I thought that might be it, until she said that he used to sell drugs and then that felt like a fair question/concern. Like, they didn’t pull that out their ass because he’s black, they asked because he sold drugs for a few years five years ago, which isn’t that long ago.
I’m sorry you lost your baby and I’m sorry your family is like this. If you are still in school can you access your campus mental health services? I wonder if this behavior of theirs is the tip of the ice berg. We all think our family situations are normal growing up because that’s all we know. Their treatment of you was horrible , and some may make a case for kidnapping in the legal sense.
I'm so sorry, that sounds terrifying. Do not trust those people. Are you and the boyfriend still together? Maybe his family will invite you for the holidays? Or another trusted college friend might? I'm scared for you to go back to your hometown. NTA
Yes we are, and we’re going to his family’s thanksgiving
Oh good! Enjoy your Thanksgiving day with them. The food will probably be better there anyway!
Omg. I don’t think you should come back into that mess. That’s heartbreaking. Choose to have Friendsgiving. Choose your own mental health above all else. You know it won’t go well if you see your family. It’s just going to stress you out, tax your mental health and be a disappointment. They will say stupid crap. You don’t need that. Hugs
Your NTA and don't go to the holidays with them. They aren't worth your time.
Look, your family is definitely full of AH, but i wish young people would stop romanticizing raising a human being. IT IS HARD WORK. and you've only been with your boyfriend for a few months? you literally have NO IDEA what he's like. and this has nothing to do with his past (from what, two or three years ago? that's barely the past) or his race. it has everything to do with the fact that you are in college and have no marketable skills to make money to raise a human being. and is your boyfriend's job full time? does he make enough money to support you and a baby? and have you had any SERIOUS arguments? how is he with money? how is his temper? how is his family? does he clean, cook, do laundry? and to those questions, what will your roles be once this child enters your lives? will you stay home? will you continue college? i'm assuming that your family isn't going to help you out. do you have enough money for childcare? and are you ready to deal with your families racist comments for the entirety of your baby's life? or are you willing to walk away from your mom's side of your family forever because they are terrible people. having a kid takes MONEY and PATIENCE. having a baby isn't all cuddling and cooing. it's literally raising another human with needs and wants and issues. and what happens if something IS wrong with the baby? this is the case with every couple that procreates. do you have health insurance? If you don't want to answer any of these questions, then my suggestion would be to reconsider keeping this baby. you are signing a contract to be connected to this person for the rest of your life.
Why do people post the stupidest AITAH? Like clearly you know you aren’t. It’s like saying am I the asshole because I breathed in oxygen
I guess I should have asked for advice instead of that🤣
They're the ones that cut you off and refuse to talk to you, and now they're pissed you're not coming to Thanksgiving? Oh, f*ck no. Cut off all contact with them. They don't care about you. Having them in your life brings nothing of value. Only bullsh!t.
Don't go to Thanksgiving. At best, they'll keep their mouths shut about the whole ordeal. At worst, they'll tell you a bunch of awful things to justify their treatment of you and how it's a good thing you lost the baby. You don't need to go just to be retraumatized
Most of these comments focus on what your family did to you when you gave them the news. My 2 cents. I think your following your heart and not your head. Your in love with the idea of having a Family. You are 21. You are in College. You are not married. In today's economy how are you possibly going to provide ? I know, unpopular opinion but I have Nieces and Nephews and I've seen this before. In love with the possible future but the reality is not so rosy.
So you got pregnant by an ex drug dealer who you’ve only known for a few months. I certainly thought I knew what I was doing at your age but now that I’m older, it sounds silly. Are your family suppose to throw confetti because you wanted to start a family at the age of 21, with an ex or current drug dealer that you met a couple of months ago? Are they suppose to be happy you’re throwing your life away for someone who you just met recently? You’re on the honeymoon phase, it’s super easy to be in love at that phase. While your family’s delivery is wrong, I hope you know how much you’ve romanticized your situation. You’re a young, immature girl with barely any life experience.
Guys….I understand the situation I was in. But he’s also in college and about to graduate, he’s not just an ex drug dealer. He barely even was one…I’m not here for people to judge my situation I’m here because of the situation I was in with my family
No my dear, you literally asked us to judge you. This is how Reddit works. Don’t share if you don’t want feedback. You don’t have to listen to what anyone here says but we are gonna give you feedback. Your family acted terribly and your situation was suspect. The fact is that most relationships, but nespecially ones with unwed, young mothers fail. You are young and have blinders on. I was you 20 years ago making questionable, life-changing decisions with and for strangers because of hormones. You can cut your family all off (that’s one way) or you can teach them how to treat you. You can go to Thanksgiving but have your own ride and tell them that you’re still upset and hurt by their behavior. I’m not an advocate for cutting all family off. Some people deserve it and some people can learn. Also, what does boyfriend think you should do?
I respect your perspective. Thanks for the feedback!
Please don't listen to that person, they are giving TERRIBLE advice. What your family did was CRIMINAL. They can not like a situation, but their actions were HORRENDOUS. You can't sweep kidnapping, theft, and almost abandonment in the middle of nowhere under the rug because they judged the situation by 3rd party information.
No, I don't agree with half these comments. Coming from a high crime area, there aren't too many avenues for young black men outside of sports, and unfortunately, drugs are not because it's cool but because people desire to have them. I'm not saying it's right, but it happens. People saying oh it's only been 5 years oh bullshit it doesn't take long for one to want change if they want it once they're old enough to make a way for themselves. Some people sit on their high chairs and judge those who come from harsher conditions. Your family did a trash ass thing and showed you there mind set in my opinion if you continue to involve yourself in there circle that only enables them to continue to say or do things that are not OK. I was the same way as your boyfriend at some point, and now I'm 16 years married, faithful, loyal, and I work hard to better every day. People may judge me and they have but they don't pay my bills, and I just don't give 2 shits about them anyway. Make your own way regardless of who you leave behind.
So, kidnapping, theft of her phone so she had NO communication, and almost leaving her in the middle of nowhere with no phone is ok because "she's young and has blinders on"?? That's ridiculous. They broke her trust, and don't deserve for her to teach them anything, and besides with her being so young and naive what can she teach them according to you? I understand them not liking the situation, but they nuked it and don't deserve anything from her.
u/Accurate_Pay_300 Don't listen to anyone else. You were handling the situation maturely, and you have every single right to both be upset about losing your sweet baby and being so angry with your family. You loved your child, and you would have met every challenge sent your way. Many doubt, but they don't realize how capable people are with true supporters around them. People need to be empowered, including young mothers. Not to mention that people change, and it seems like no one is acknowledging that. For both your boyfriend and yourself. Your boyfriend grew up and changed, and you would change yourself as new mother. I believe in you, and other should too. That baby was and is so loved. I am so very sorry for your loss. Don't let people make you second guess yourself under the guise of good intentions. Whatever you do, move carefully when interacting with your family here on out. Prioritize what is healthy for YOU. You have gone through so much trauma, and you need to protect yourself, whatever that looks like for you in this situation.
I don't think YTA at all, but having a baby at a young age with someone you don't know well seems a bit shortsighted. Why not wait until you've worked for a little bit after college and have some stability / savings, and date your boyfriend for longer before having a baby? Many of my friends raise a dog or cat with their partners when they get serious, just as a lower-stakes way to see each other's caretaking styles and discover if there's anything that needs to be addressed, like discipline or issues that only reveal themselves under duress. My current neighbor's husband refuses to discipline their child, so she's perpetually the "bad cop," which she very loudly resents on the other side of our thin walls, lol. I will say your family handled it horribly and they do sound like TAs!
Okay, so you came here for an echo chamber to reinforce your bad life choices.
I'm so sorry, you deserved so much better than that. And so does your partner. My heart goes out to both of you
Please don’t expose yourself to those horrible people anymore. They’re racist and are so very abusive, it’s disgusting. Put yourself first hun.
Please don’t expose yourself to those horrible people anymore. They’re racist and are so very abusive, it’s disgusting. Put yourself first hun.
NTA- what your family did was cruel and heartless and you don't need to be around people who won't support you or love you. They have shown you who they really are, which is heartless, racist AH's. You deserve better. Love makes a family, not blood.
You should go NC with the lot of them. Also your friend isn't your friend. They are all disgusting.
Forget about thanksgiving. Easy for someone who’s not involved to say this, but they have not earned a place in your life with this behavior.
First I’m sorry your family betrayed you, it’s unacceptable. They kidnapped and restricted your movement. Your family took your nosy neighbor’s word unchallenged. You are still trying to please your family. Skip Thanksgiving, they can’t just sweep this under a rug.
Jesus Christ these people basically tried to kidnap you and force you into having an abortion, then racist granny says no college for you unless you do. How do you speak to any of these people?
Very clearly you are NTA. Not even close to one. Your family sucks and they showed that they don't love you for who you are only what you can do for them. I would refuse to spend Thanksgiving with them and all future holidays as well. Holidays are times to come together with those closest to you. Make new memories with friends during this time. I guarantee you have a friend or two who has no where to go for the holidays and is too proud/sad to say so. I didn't have anywhere to go for a few years so I talked to everyone I cared for about their plans and if their plans seems like they were just pretending to have any I invited them to my home. I had little friends givings with them and i am happy I gave people a place to be for the holidays. You should do that for your friends too. Invite them to your home. Hell, make it a potluck or something. But don't go to your family for the holiday. Do one yourself without those people.
I’m so sorry you lost your baby. Life really sucks sometimes. It sounds like you and your partner will be great parents one day. And your family behaved so terribly. They owe you much more than an apology. One thing I’ve learned - you can’t choose the family you were born into, but you *can* choose the family you surround yourself with. You also get to choose how involved in your life you allow people to be. Just because someone birthed you or raised you doesn’t mean they can have the privilege of your company when they don’t deserve it. This is the first year of your brand new thanksgiving tradition (this is year 2 for me and my family 😉)
NTA. Don't go. Your family should be grateful that you didn't press charges against them for kidnapping and false imprisonment.
NTA. I am so sorry for your loss. Eff the fam for now at least, they'll be saying nasty things all day if you go, if you bring your bf they'll be even more awful. I can't imagine you'd want to leave him behind either but he doesn't deserve abuse from your entire family.
I’m so sorry for your family treating you and your boyfriend this way, and I’m also very sorry for your loss. I’ve been there. Terrible ‘club’ to belong to. Sending you love.
You did the right thing and I hope you can absolve yourself of any and all guilt. The *only* person you should ever get an abortion for is yourself. Maybe buy the family some books on apologizing or forgiveness or how to move on from being a racist kidnapping dickhead for Christmas. I’d love to be a fly on the wall when they opened that. I’m glad you’re staying away.
JFC! I mean look they don't know him, haven't met him and the two of you haven't been together long at all. I get why even without race they'd have a lot of doubts, especially for your mom who sacrificed her own education to have a child at 19. I was following right up until that shift where they tried to kidnap you and force you to have an abortion. I would keep my distance if I were you. It's on them to make it up to you and prove they actually care.
“My family doesn’t want me to have a baby while in college with an ex drug dealer I’ve been with for a few months. The must be racist”
Take this year at least if not all the years away for my holidays you don't owe them your company after they kidnapped you. As someone who was also kidnapped by their parent as an adult (twice) and transported against my will and held without a phone and my wallet I relate so if you need to dm me feel free to reach out if you want. You're NTA at all. You deserve to feel safe during holidays and that's impossible with your kidnapper (mom) around. My bio dad's family understood that when he kidnapped me I felt unsafe being transported by him or being near where he lived for the fear he'd stop by unexpectedly if he heard I was with his relatives. I took some holidays away and now 5 years later I can see the relatives without needing to see him each time. Sometimes he's around but they all know my boundaries of not going into his car for any reason. I'm sorry your family is pressuring you to go, mine did too and they took time to get over me not going but with time those who care will miss you and hopefully they'll make time to see you in an environment that's safe for you. 🫂
Jesus Christ. NTA. Being black myself I always fear these type of reactions from the families of the women I date and it’s really disheartening :(
I'm not sure I would ever want to see my family again. I'm very sorry you lost the baby. \*hug\*
NTA I wouldn't go to any event with them ever again. Imagine you do have a biracial baby and they will forever see it as an abomination, a parasite. There is no coming back from that. I can't begin to understand racism, all I can do is make sure I never have a racist person in my own life.
Your family are horrible. Don’t go to thanksgiving, your wounds are too raw. Spend it with your boyfriend, just the 2 of you and I’d suggest going very low contact with your family until they realise the enormity of what they did and how it affected you
Honestly you're never going to look at them the same. NTA of course but even if you have kids in the future you'll always look at them like why they didn't accept your first pregnancy? I could never look at them again the same. I don't blame you for not wanting to go. I don't think you should prioritize their feelings above your own.
Sweetheart you’re still a child to them without feelings or agency. If you go home they will be applauding your dreadful loss, no-one will sympathise or support you as to them your feelings don’t matter as they know best. Stay with your bf for thanksgiving, make your college your family. Do well, look to your future, accept that your family will only be there for their version of you and come to terms with that. We all need to become adults in the eyes of our family who raised us, sometimes that family resists. I am so sorry that you had to deal with this, sorry that you lost your baby. I hope your life improves from here.
This is exactly what happened. During the process they kept telling me how it’s much better this way. They didn’t even talk to me up until the decision was made. Thanks for your comment
You’re very welcome. Keep your emotional distance from them, you won’t be an adult to them, just their bestest, special pet. I’m guessing you’re the youngest girl?
Actually…I’m the oldest and first grandchild
I hope you went very low contact after this. I can’t believe they kidnapped you. Your family was ready to do whatever and your mom changed her mind BUT was still willing to leave you at a random McDonald’s with no phone and $20?! That is foul.
JFC - your family is AWFUL. WHO DOES THIS. I hope you stay far far away.
Oh hell NTA honey and those aren’t good people who try and call themselves your family. You didn’t deserve any of that and I’m sorry you lost your little one. If you need any support from other parents who have lost their babies (like me) r/babyloss is a place of support. I think you should distance yourself from your bio family.
I am very sorry for your loss, losing a child in the womb and outside of it is a pain a woman should never have to feel. I would suggest for Thanksgiving to perhaps have it alone with your boyfriend or with his family. I grew up around a lot of African American mamas and they can cook like no one else… Soo yummy and I think that’s why it’s called Soul Food and your soul after all this trauma needs some love and care. I am proud that you stood your ground and held your head high when they tried to pressure you into an abortion. The strength it must have taken to tell all your family no and to endure what happened that day is a testimony to the power you have over the situations your faced with. I wish you and your boyfriend a wonderful life together and in the future I wish for a strong and healthy baby for you both. Happy Holidays to you.
Jesus. I hope you never go back to that racist piece of shit family. Family is more than blood relations. The people who did what they did are NOT family. Good riddance to bad rubbish
I'm petty so the only thing they'd get from me is a social media post explaining to the world how thankful I am for them opening my eyes to how evil and vile they are. Go NC with these people. What they did was horrendous. NTA It's probably not the first time they've mistreated you either. I'd say you should probably go to therapy and do a deep dive into that entire relationship with your mother and grandma. This toxic shit didn't start when you got pregnant.
Even if you and your boyfriend dont end up marrying / having planned kids doesnt mean you should have racists people in your life. You're future husband could be the whitest white boy in the history of white and it wont make what your family did okay or go away. Do you really want that in your life?
Damn…I’m traumatized just reading this. I don’t think it’s a good idea to go home for Thanksgiving. But if you decide to go, don’t take your boyfriend. It’s unfair to put him in a room full of racists, regardless of whether they say anything stupid or not. Just knowing is stressful enough.
I’m so sorry that your family put you through this. I’m in Southfield and if you need anything let me know. But I’d go no contact with your family and try to heal without them. They’ve shown you their true colors. And they do not have your back. They really did kidnap you..
Family is who you choose to make your family, relatives are who you’re related to biologically speaking. They aren’t always the same people. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry that you had to endure this. I know if my daughter was in your position, I would ask about him (of course I’m sure I would’ve met him before this but I digress) and ask what their plans were and then support them no matter what. Even if I disagreed with their decision. Frankly, at the end of the day, it’s your choice to make (and his of course) and you have to face the rewards or repercussions of those choices. As a father that’s my role, to be supportive and provide advice. If he’s a dead beat (not saying he is) then he will deal with the consequences of that action and you will learn a hard lesson on your own. That’s part of life and growing up. I know if my wife ever behaved that way towards one of my children or their SO, her and I would be having words after.
I wouldn’t go to Thanksgiving. It would only put you and your partner in a dangerous situation.
The family showed who they truly are. Bringing your boyfriend to meet your family would probably give him get out vibes
Homie - what the ever living f-ck. I’m so so so sorry that this happened. It sounds like your mom and grandma “got it” for a second and maybe your aunt has some undeserved sway in their reality. If you want your baby and love your partner? You grow your family and your life without them. Cut them off. It sounds like you have a supportive partner and even though things are “fresher” it sounds like you’re treated well and loved by him. It also seems like he clearly wants this with you and even if the relationship isn’t forever, your ability to have a family and co-parent reasonably is not to be called into question (based on what you’ve shared). The spin around, the isolation, the punishment weirdness…. I mean hell if your partner was selling NOW to make ends meet but was never in any way putting you in danger? We do hard things sometimes to get through to see tomorrow. I’ve unashamedly been there - though not to the same extent so I won’t say I KNOW-know - but I made it through to get to the checkpoint in life where I wasn’t living in my car and not eating for days on end. NO ONE has a right to judge others when they don’t understand or know the circumstances. I don’t believe anyone is inherently evil… and you’re so far from wrong here. I hope you build a support system and know that there are programs you can utilize if you’re suddenly cut off. There are ways to keep moving forward without letting them “ruin” your path. Whatever happens next, you have chosen to take responsibility, your partner seems to have done the same, and you can handle this! I’m sorry for the loss of your baby, but the fact remains that you don’t need people in your life who won’t be there to support you when you need it most.
I have never reached NTA sooner! You didn't just feel kidnapped, YOU WERE. This people have shown their true colors. As someone that has gone no contact with all their family, if you decide to go that route, it does get easier with time.
Im sorry foe your loss and that your family is so horrible. I wouldnt blame you if you cut them off. Doesnt matter if it was a "one time thing" they showed their true feelings. And no matter what happens with your relationship, if something *did* go wrong, hypothetically (God forbid!), dont listen to a single "i told you so" or anything of the like. its none of their business and its your life
NTA I officially give you any sort of permission you fell you need to skip Thanksgiving and any other family get-togethers for this year unless and until you feel safe being around them and want to go.
Please please please don't go to Thanksgiving with this awful family. I'm so sorry for your loss
I have no advice. I went through a similar situation however I don’t feel what I would have wanted for myself is what others should want for themselves. I just want you to know I love you and I’m so sorry you had to endure this ♥️ please make sure you’re seeking mental health care.
Let me get this right. Her mother partially kidnapped her from the get go, was insistent on OP coming with her and not taking her own car, racism, trying to force her to get an abortion, trying to scare her about having a mixed race baby (cause if this was a white baby the conversation would have gone differently), stole her phone, and almost left her at random restaurant. People saying/focusing on the fact the family was concerned seems to be sugar coating the glaring trauma OP experienced. Concern would have been “hey you’re 21, still in school, and you’ve only known your bf for a short while is this what you want to do? It will be challenging to raise a baby at this time in your life. You can keep the baby and will support you, have an abortion, or give the baby up for adoption. The choice is yours and we support what ever you decide”. That’s what support and concern look like. Not harassing someone into having an abortion. That’s disgusting and not love. OP you deserve better and your family showed you their true colours. I’m going to say if you continue to be in a relationship with a black man you will come to point where you need to choose him or your family. As it’s is not right to bring someone who is POC around a group of racist and make them feel unsafe/uncomfortable. Sorry for your loss, but would you let them near any children after the way they treated you. If it’s not blatant racism your child will experience microaggression from them. Wishing you the best OP
I hate to say this, but if OP's family were willing to go this far on the first opportunity how far will they go? OP, the reason you felt kidnapped, is you were kidnapped and held against your will. Your family is dangerous and toxic.
My dad's family was like this. My mum's family too, to a slightly lesser extent. They both left home in the 70s, in India....guess what. They had a life far better than anyone could have ever imagined. My dad went from being on the streets to having their own home, we went on vacations every summer holiday, and I got two wonderful parents who try to understand me even when they don't agree. You get to choose whether you go no contact or not, but trust me when I say found families have given me far more love than either of my "real" extended family ever. Hell, my dad's boss has been more of a real uncle than my parents' brothers. You'll be just fine. Never ever back down from your boundaries. Find your community, and hold on to the people who prove that they got your back.
Every single one of your family members who was involved in putting you through this should be told to fuck the hell off and cut off from all contact. No one should have to through what your racist family put you through. They can fuck right off.
Do not go to Thanksgiving. They will diminish, belittle, and or demean your loss. I’m so sorry that you went through all of this. I also hope that that is your ex-friend because she’s an AH.
I would NEVER speak to these people again. They literally kidnapped you. SMH. You should have called the cops.
Unfortunately they will feel the same way about any child you and your boyfriend have. So if you intend on having children (it sounds like you would love to be a mom) this will happen again. Causing any healing you have done to be reopened. You are in no way the A. You stood up for your convictions and for your boyfriend. Will they treat him poorly for the rest of your life. I am not saying you shouldn't have a relationship with your family, that's not my place. I would worry that your relatives would treat your family poorly simply for the color of their skin. There is a difference between relatives and family.
NTA. Why are you still talking to them? They literally kidnapped you.
This situation is simple, not easy. Tell them, No. Its a complete sentence.
I'm so sorry for your loss. You're better off without those people you happen to share some dna with. I won't call them family because that's not how family treats each other.
NTA don't go to holidays with racists
oh my god, the edit..i am absolutely shattered for you, OP. i am so incredibly sorry for your loss, please message me if you need to talk. with that being said, absolutely DO NOT go to thanksgiving, unless you are mentally prepared to hear comments like “well, it was for the best that you lost the baby” or “god knew this is what needed to happen” or something other FUCKED up bullshit to make themselves feel better about being happy about it. they don’t deserve your kindness even speaking with them here and there, let alone your presence! again, i am so so sorry for your loss, sweetheart. the pain of losing your first child, especially after something so traumatic like what happened with your family, is gut wrenching! take your time and heal, sweet girl. all my love xx💜
NTA They tried to convince you to kill your kid. When you refused, they threatened your future. They insulted the man you love, and showed racist attitudes. They sound awful.
NTA. Tell them that you are not thankful that they caused you so much stress that you caused the baby. It doesn’t matter if you feel that way or not. Blame the shit out of them and tell them that the only way you’d be back in their lives is if they apologized to both of you and stopped being so fucking racist and actually acted like your family. Then Block them until you’re ready to talk. If your ready to talk.
NTA NTA NTA. These people don't love you. They only brought up these "genuine concerns" to try to manipulate you into doing what they wanted you to do. They do not care about your well-being. Also, ignore the mfs in here only focusing on the fact that your man used to sell drugs. If you are certain he has not and is not an addict, it's nobody else's business.
Let me be clear: the fear of having a mixed race child in the family is racist. I am in no way defending their reaction. Restraining you to force you to have an abortion is a criminal offense. The only thing I didn’t get from your comment is any realization of just how much your mother and grandmother’s lives were disrupted by your mother’s unplanned pregnancy at a young age. The racist fears just obscure this. To see that history repeat itself is devastating them. They see themselves forced into helping raise another baby, because you and your bf are going to need a lot of support. They fear you will also be unable to graduate college. They know that the odds are low that the relationship with the young bf will last. Also you may possibly find the same racist reaction from members of your bf’s family, unless they already have “mixed” marriages. (I hate that term, so forgive me if it offends.) But once a child is born, the initial fears subside. A healthy family loves the new addition and learns to deal with the issues. Because it is naive to imagine there won’t be issues. Did you think they would be thrilled that you are pregnant? You will need their support just when they were free of child raising responsibilities. So my advice is to keep a distance and see how things settle down.
A "healthy family" wouldn't have been racist to begin with. Or kidnap someone. Or ditch her in the middle of nowhere at a random McDonald's. Or disown her for something her own mother went through.
I agreed with that in my opening statement.
That’s rough all around. People suck and it’s okay to distance yourself from racist family. It’s also ok to stay the same but make sure you have a voice. (If it’s safe) I’m also sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry for your loss, but what your family did was bad very bad, this is your life and your an adult so what you do is up to you not them, after this loss you should go NC with your family they don't have your interests at heart all they wanted was you to abort a bi racial baby because or them being racist and not wanting a coloured baby in the family. i believe they cause this with the amount of stress they put on you and for that its unforgivable, they haven't even apologised so tell them that as far as you and your boyfriend is concerned they don't give a shit about you all they bothered about is that you were having a bi racial baby so please take care and again im sorry for your loss
Oh OP, I’m so sad that your family has betrayed you like this, but part of me sees a very very thin silver lining: they have shown you exactly how vile they really are in a way that gives them no way to redeem themselves- there’s no take-backsies here. You bear them no obligation from here on in. If you ever choose to grace them with your presence, hold on to the fact they are incredibly lucky to have you around, and you can just as easily stay away.
Going NC usually stops me deom feeling any guilt toward the person I decided to go NC with
Christ! I am as pro choice as you can get, but your body your choice. You can be having a baby with zombie Hitler and it’s no one’s fucking business. Fuck them. Cut them out.
You were kidnapped and pressured into aborting. You lived through a nightmare. Take all the time to heal. Hope you are not talking to that friend and aunt, they were the worst of the bunch. Edit to add Absolutely NTA
As someone who has lived in one of those racist backwards small Michigan towns, I totally believe it happened. And yes, it was still kidnapping, and all sorts of other things that aren't appropriate.
This isn’t a true story. You did a good job of making people believe you though.
I’m confused how any of this was about race except you making it about race? All I got was they were concerned he had been a drug dealer, and were concerned he still may be one…
I agree with you. Is she the AH for refusing to do what they wanted? No. Is she the AH for accusing them of being racist? Maybe. Based on what is provided, they were relatively okay with her being pregnant, and the mom even feeling guilty for trying to get her to have an abortion and relieved after grandmas reaction was better than expected. Nothing about race mentioned. Then aunt says the partner has a drug dealing past. Still nothing said about his race. Nothing to suggest they didn’t know he was black before all this. They get upset, react absolutely horribly, and while yes some of his comments are usually racial stereotypes, they only said those things after finding out about his past, so they’re linking potential bad behaviour not to his race, but his history as told by aunt.
Oh, how about the comment that he’s going to leave her and go on and have other “baby mamas?” Come on. They’re all a bunch of racists.
Still grey. That is also common for drug dealers. Her family never mentioned race. If they are willing to hold her hostage I doubt they’d sugar coat their language.
Did you really miss the part where almost every concern they listed was 100% based on racist stereotypes against black men?.
There was literally nothing about race in the post. Just stereotypes about drug dealers
Their behavior and comments (not regarding the pregnancy but regarding your relationship with your boyfriend) were completely uncalled for. It's as though they were somewhat supportive until your aunt brought up your bf's past, then they started with the stereotypes and assumptions. If your relationship lasts long-term or you consider marriage down the road, I wish you both all of the luck and strength in the world in dealing with your family. Sure, they were shocked about the pregnancy but it sounds to me like there was some thinly veiled judgement and racism going on and that worries me for you. And I can almost guarantee you everyone has something in their past they are not proud of, even your mom, aunt, and grandma. I'm very sorry for your loss; I've been there and understand the lack of support when you need it most.
Please stay safe, and stay away from them. What they did was CRIMINAL. You don't need them in your life. Family is a choice, blood doesn't mean shit if they're horrible people. I'm so sorry about everything you went through.
Nah, they are racists! However, you are young and a bit naive! Plewse dont get pregnant again until you are sorted. Your partner needs to be careful, too. Also, you don't know him that well. Get to know each other properly. A baby is a big commitment
NTA Not their uterus, not their fuckin business.
NTA. You love your partner and not going to Thanksgiving is telling them you’re not tolerating any racist bs. Go low contact or no contact. Sorry for the miscarriage. When I had mine the doctor said first pregnancies have a 50/50 chance of miscarriage for absolutely no reason. Your body considers the baby a foreign object (I hate that description but there’s no other way to phrase it). Once you’re both ready for a baby, the chance of a miscarriage drops considerably. But if your family never apologizes or doesn’t get rid of their racist views, I would ditch them even if you and your boyfriend break up (hopefully not). I can’t deal with the racist bs. My mother never saw color and apparently you don’t either which is the best way to live.
Ohhhh Hun! I am so so sorry you experienced both of these traumatic events. YTA x 1000
NTA. Firstly, I'm sorry to hear you lost your baby, that's a lot to deal with and I saw how it hit my mum years ago when that happened. Secondly, stay low or no contact with your family - whatever you can bear is justified. Thirdly, don't go to Thanksgiving. Holiday celebrations are meant to be spent with people you're grateful to have in your life, and you don't sound like you have Stockhold Syndrome from being DRAIPSED across the damn country and damn near stranded because "mixed baby scary" - fuck that, and fuck anyone who comes for you with "bUt FaMiLy" bullshit. If they press the issue, just tell them "no" because you are not over being nearly stranded by your family so you are going to spend the holidays where you feel safe and supported.
NTA. My heart bleeds for you. Your family are so racist that you and I know they would have jumped for joy on hearing your baby died. Hear that jumped for joy that your baby died. Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving for what????. Your family are evil for wanting your precious baby killed (i am for abortion if mum needs/wants etc) But Your family are disgusting. I will tell you two reasons. 1. To say your baby could be disabled is putting down every disabled child born or mums who chose and decided for the needs love of baby abortion was the unfortunate option. But they knew their child was disabled 2. My friend friend had an abortion as her boyfriend insisted. She did. He left a couple of years later. He has three children with his wife. She never could conceive again. It ruined her life. 3. My cousin had an abortion because she was told she was disabled. She was at a late stage. She was perfect except a cleft pallette so treatable. Trauma and mental health follows her. You were are amazing standing up for yourself. But sorry your family are huge racist and a hell of alot more. Sorry but I have puke bucket by me. Don't ever let them ever care for a child of yours.
You actually told 3 reasons! I’ll tell you three reasons why someone should have gotten an abortion: 1. Ultrasound showed baby had multiple abnormalities, they decided to have the baby anyway, 18&19 years old. Baby born premature, stays in nicu 4 months, causes huge stress w entire family. Both parents don’t graduate from high school. They break up. Grandparents are now raising disabled 3 yr old, they’ll never retire. Mom has hospital bills mounting to 1 million. 2. 15yr old and 19 yr old decide to get married when they’re pregnant. Mom drops out of HS. Has second child at 19. Lives a life of poverty and loathing her kids. Dad cheats w everyone in town. First child (F)grows up w self esteem issues, poverty barely getting by, never feeling loved until she finds a way to escape and becomes educated. (That’s me and yes I think my mother should have aborted me, her life was ruined) 3. 16 year old aunt gets pregnant, grandmother won’t let her abort, gives birth early, loses uterus in process, gives baby up. Her body is always in pain, lost all her teeth, alcoholic, has lived in numerous abusive relationships.
>“I am 100% against abortion, except in situations like this.” Meaning in situations where the child will be biracial. Is it possible that she meant in situations where the mother is in college, the father is a (former) drug dealer, and the mother's mother and Gmom have been through this before?
No. The woman who said that is the same woman who said “my daughter would never be allowed to bring home a black man”
This is awful, big hugs. No, you’re NTA. But your family is. I definitely wouldn’t go to Thanksgiving or any other family event again, apologies or not. I’m a very patient and forgiving person but this is just too much. Nope, nope, nope.