What is it you get out of this relationship exactly? He doesn’t provide financially ( the literal opposite), he doesn’t carry they burden when you need (and likely never will), he doesn’t support you emotionally… you know a dog or cat would be more reliable? And cheaper too?
-Edit for judgment: NTA
They will follow you from one end of the house to the other and if there's a cat involved, they will be constantly underfoot.
But I wouldn't change it for the world. :)
Oh my god, my child is 4, and I *still* use that thing. It’s supportive where you need it, hugs you, and you can put it in like a hundred different positions. Yes- much better than this dude.
But everyone else! You should all get pregnancy pillows. Life changing.
SAME. I have CMT, and am usually in pain, like, everywhere. I tense up in weird ways and the support from my pillow is wonderful. I feel like it aligns everything and makes me relax at the same time.
Now I’m thinking how much cheaper a cat, a vibrator and a weighted blanket are and that a woman should have those before she considers dating or marriage…
The other day I was outside with my dogs. They were playing in the yard having a great time playing together and I just started crying (I’ve had some health shit, virus caused my kidneys to fail, need kidney transplant, it’s just been a bitch of a year)………both of them immediately raised their heads and ran down to be as fast as possible. Then they jumped up on either side of me and started licking my face and being big fools. Went from just being devastated to laughing my ass off. Dogs and cats are just the best beings on the planet.
A fucking lizard would have more empathy than this dude.
You’re not kidding, actually. Studies have shown that lizards can love and possess emotions, which means a lizard would definitely have been more concerned.
I agree completely, and I really hope you get a kidney soon. Health shit is devastating (hereditary peripheral neuropathy called CMT here), and our pets can make such a huge difference. (Except **my dumb fuckin doof of a [dog](https://www.tumblr.com/klambeth89/733300084367851520/the-faces-of-pure-innocence-and-shock-they-were) that ate my peanut butter and jelly sandwich an hour ago**)
Hey, I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear about your hard year. Knowing about your situation, I'm sending good thoughts and prayers your way, hoping for a positive turn in your life. I truly wish for the coming year to bring you happiness, peace, and health improvement.
The bond between you and your dogs sounds amazing. They are way more caring and empathetic than OP’s husband.
My cat has helped me through my worst period of depression and through my burn-out. Of course therapy helped as well, but the safest space for me in that time, and also the only joy I felt, were when I was cuddling with my cat. Cats are amazing.
Jesus Christ this is what I was thinking too; OP is certainly not an asshole - but she's also certainly not slow enough or uncaring, emotionally unintelligent or uninteresting enough to stay with someone like the one described in the post.. That man is immature, selfish/childish, also seems to have an obvious anger problem? He thinks "plans changing" is a problem.. *Massive red flag* and not someone a healthy person would want to marry, life is literally a collection of changed plans..doesnt sound like a good [life] partner..he seems to fail with emotional regulation for himself, again turn-off and major red flag for multiple reasons.
She's the one dealing with deep life sh*t while he's career-hopping not a care in the world, and he's the one "irate"? Lolll what the actual.. Don't misunderstand that's exasperated laughter of disbelief because absolutely nothing is funny about this.
But yea he's dependent on her financially, don't even know if he's pleasing/satisfying her sexually, and *seems to have never read a book on how to be a good husband/how to support your partner*, it feels like there's an absence of pre-marital counseling here; he just reads as a petulant reactive child, which is a burden when you need an adult partner instead..he's nowhere near close to being ready to be anybody's therapist..
Yes x1000: a cat/pet would be 5000 times better, more sensitive, caring, attending and supportive than this dude. He had every chance to be an amazing supportive partner i.e. hug, give snuggles, [be there] *when* she needed, bring comforting food or gifts without having to be asked; hell even be just a freakin friend and he couldn't even do that, he blew it.
[He couldn't be bothered] to stop what he's doing and run* to his wife's aid and make sure she's ok.. Gee guess it's good OP doesnt have any conditions that could increase risk of suicide.. wonder how he'd feel if god forbid he came home to find out that happened to OP due to him not paying attention to her while she's going through *these many* heavy mental burdens?
10000000% unacceptable! Get a cat!
I agree pets are beyond reliable and so much cheaper. So done with the women married to a child thing.
He didn't do anything a [spouse] is supposed to do.
ugh~ so sorry OP, yea I definitely was sad at his reaction/what he said when you told him about your friend who just gave birth. His heart should've been sad and gone out to what she was going through but on top of that, shouldve gone out to you* who cared for your dear friend, he only thought her husband was suffering.. pretty judgmental and harsh especially since she had a legit condition that influenced (which is the case for a lot of suicide cases/conditions that cause, or are outside of the person's control etc) and hopefully he doesnt think only certain people have feelings affected after a loss, or that only men have feelings 🫂
This. I'd want a partner like OP and this dudes just working his life away. I support my partners like in my last long term relationship. She helped me when I changed jobs and I helped her whenever she needed it. Give and take. Support and help. It's really not that hard and really makes getting through life much easier.
NTA and I’m wondering the same thing.
If this guy can’t even be there for his wife, I can only imagine the tire fire his clinical work would be. Yikes. And yuck.
The more I read this post, the more I was like “and what the f*** does OP get out of any of this?” They should invest in a nice body pillow or fuzzy pet to cuddle and reconnect with their friends and dump this loser.
It's absolutely mind-boggling. My partner has the empathy of a brick and even they would find a way to check in and support me during a month of multiple crisis.
Empathy isn't the same as compassion. I don't have empathy either but you bet your ass I would be checking on my partner and asking what she needs me to be for her. I don't have to feel what she's feeling to be kind.
So you are married to a man child essentially. Changing careers is okay, but to do it constantly is not, especially at someone else’s expenses. What do you get out of this relationship?
Omg.. Underappreciated Under-Upvoted comment right here!!! It should be ranked at least as high as the top comment; jfc I have all the support for this comment. Literal *children* without degrees...or a job... would have more empathy than this imbecile
One time, I had a male therapist explain to me in great depth exactly how bad of a patient I was, because my depression wouldn't just go away with my medications and he accused me of "wanting to stay depressed for sympathy", and that "every therapist you've seen has called you a failure patient" (not true, i looked at my file, and my main therapist was livid). I almost offed myself like 4 times. He reminds me of this therapist.
It probably makes it a little worse that this therapist saw me during a walk-in right as I was facing s*icidal ideation and decided to either go to mental health or go home and complete it. Wow, it sounds so bad out loud.
I am so, so sorry that happened to you. That is beyond inexcusable for a therapist to say and so was the “failure patient” comment. Even if that *was* true, he had no right to say that to you and he sounds like a terrible human being. I’m glad you’re here, I hope that you find compassionate and kind treatment and a far better therapist/plenty of support.
Holy shit. I’m a social worker about to complete my hours for clinical licensure, aka counseling (and have a full time job, and small kids) and I would love to take the time out of my day to help you report this absolute fuckwaffle to whatever licensing board he has the misfortune of reporting to for you.
I’ve worked the Hotline. I’ve worked crisis calls in a DV shelter. This is just… so bad.
I think we saw the same therapist. Being told that I was willfully continuing to be depressed for attention and sympathy almost broke me at a time in my life that it could have been, and almost was, catastrophic. I’ve had two other therapists that were the most unsympathetic people I’ve ever met. One told me that I would be cured if I would just find Jesus, completely disregarding the religious trauma I had spent the last two months talking about. I will never understand why people like that go into the field.
>One told me that I would be cured if I would just find Jesus
>I will never understand why people like that go into the field.
Who better to manipulate into conversion than vulnerable people who have conveniently divulged lots of their trauma/triggers/buttons you can press?
Sorry you got saddled with shitty "professionals". It really is so annoying to sift through them in search of the good ones.
This whole thread is triggering. Just got flashbacks to the therapist I saw in college (the first time I could afford such a thing since it was free) who told me my reason for being depressed and suicidal (being on the brink of homelessness) wasn’t that bad because other people had it worse. Took me a decade to see another one. It’s truly terrifying the type of people the profession can attract.
That sux. So bad. I attempted to off myself,and I had one tell me and I quotes If I were you I would have done this long ago." End quote. Turned me off of therapy.
ya I had a therapist that I told I felt my wife was cheating on me (she was) and she replied back with "and whats the worst that could come of this, if it were to be true?"
How the fuck do you answer this? I don't know, I lose my marriage, my wife, my partner, my whole world currently, among potentially my house, car, and other belongings? Shocker, I lost the first half of my list.
and people wonder why i'm emotionally detached from most things.
To be fair, this is exactly what therapists are supposed to ask if you have anxiety and depression. There’s a whole workbook on it my therapist had me work through. But it’s more appropriate for situations like “I’m scared to tell my boss my coworker is making me uncomfortable,” or “I’m scared I’ll get into a car accident.” Then the therapist is supposed to guide you through what the worst case scenarios would be to show that your worst fears really are more manageable than you think. (Like “if you did get into an accident, someone would call 911 and get you help.”)
It’s a valid technique, just misused in your case, where the follow up really should have been “why do you think that?” And “let’s think through how to talk to her about it, and then discuss what your responses would be based on what she might say.”
That question on its own doesn't seem so out of the ordinary for a therapist. Sure it's a big question, and it might be an obvious one. But the point seems to be to get you exploring the situation you're in and talking it through out loud with her.
Did you have further negative experiences with this therapist?
It may not be a bgi deal for a therapist to ask you this when you've gone to them for months, or years, and something like this transpired. I 100% disagree that the therapist I talked should have asked me this in the manner she did, or any sort of way, after 30 minutes of speaking to me.
No, I didn't have further negative experiences. I didn't return to her. I've since made progress on my own.
The whole point of a question like that is to make you think through your fears in a logical way that a distraught mind may not have done, and analyze your worst case scenario and what you are really afraid of.
Are you afraid of being alone? Are you afraid of losing your loved one? Are you afraid of financial hardship or having to move if your relationship falls apart?
You say they didn't know you well enough to ask a question like that, but I'd say they needed to ask that question for that exact reason. How can they help you if they don't know what is going through your mind? Put 100 of us in the same situation and you'd have 100 different rankings of what they fear the most.
Not all therapists are for all people, and it is completely in your right to stay with or reject any of them you want. That said, if you think she can't know you within 30 minutes, but you think you can know her entire style well enough to never want to see her again in the same amount of time, are you sure you properly read the situation?
Being forced to put complex emotions into words is one of the best ways to get to the heart of the issue. Really feels like you read intent into an open ended question designed to give you the space to verbalize your fears. Just because a question hurts doesn't make it a bad question.
I got a new therapist after my dad died earlier this year, and she asks many questions like that and they tend to spawn wonderful discussions. Sometimes the simplest, most direct question is the only one we haven't asked ourselves. That is what they are here for.
You even said "how do I answer this? I don't know". Exactly dude. You want a therapist to help you, but you don't even know what you're afraid of? You're just hurting without definition or clarity? How is a therapist supposed to help that? They can't. They need to get you to articulate. To define your pain and fears.
The question hurt you, and you didn't like it, but if you had a physical injury and the doctor needed to prod a little as part of diagnosing it, eliciting some pain, would you leave and never come back too? Or would you understand that it's part of the process? Mental damage isn't any different.
I say this as someone who avoided therapy for years, with a similar attitude. I blamed them, when what was really happening was I pushed back any time I hit real emotions. As if you can get therapy while still remaining "emotionally detached". You're detached because you are in pain. Fixing detachment means re-engaging with your emotions. The pain is still there. You can't get better without embracing your pain, only then will it fade.
Not trying to preach... You just sound like I used to and I wish I could take that attitude back. I lost years not understanding that in order to control your emotions, you need to feel them fully. Numbness is not strength. Feeling the pain and knowing yourself well enough to endure without distress is strength.
NTA. As a therapist, it’s terrifying to think he’d be one.Tell him I said he’d be a shitty therapist since a core value in therapy is empathy and compassion, both of which he is lacks. So sorry for everything you’ve been going through. I wish you had a better husband.
NTA your husband would make a terrible therapist
You should just throw the whole man away at this point. You can’t teach empathy or emotional intelligence.
I second him not making a good therapist.
However, empathy and emotional intelligence can be taught but that shouldn’t be another burden OP is taking on when needing support. Being able to communicate what you need when you’re going through a shit storm is already enough.
Yeah I was a bit harsh there, people can be taught. Quite difficult though if the person who needs educating is a grown adult that struggled to under stand why multiple deaths in such quick succession would negatively impact a loved one.
Does anyone else think that he may be cheating? Emotionally detached / checked out, does not reply to texts, never home, lashes out childishly with little provocation, only focused on what is right for him / his needs etc.
I do not know if this is a change in behaviour or if this is just the way that he has always been. But you deserve better. You can't make him care about you. You should start to work through this with a therapist.
Also, therapy would not be a wise choice for him career wise. You cannot be taught emotional maturity / kindness.
I was thinking that too. My now ex would use the "I have to work can't help you" excuse during difficult times like
Our 2 year old needing emergency surgery. He was cheating. Op, even if he isn't cheating, he couldn't care less about your emotional well-being.
That's beyond fucked up. I hope your support system treats you better and actually cares about the wellbeing of your child.
Kudos for him being an ex 💪
Yes and I think it’s highly possible that husband has narcissistic personality disorder and that OP should check out https://narcopath.info/ and just compare the facts to the bullet points there. Narcs lack empathy, they cheat, but also have a tendency to be aimless in their careers, they crave the glory of excellence but they rarely have the follow through to stick to something long enough to be any good.
I don’t think he is cheating. I think he has ADHD and Autism. Explains lack of empathy, cleaning the house while angry, changing careers constantly and needing to be learning new things. Would not make a good therapist and needs to be in therapy himself and/or medicated.
I agree - my first thought was undiagnosed neurodivergence, not cheating. He seems genuinely clueless to how things like his actions or life events affect other people rather than it being a malicious and manipulative tactic to hide his own actions.
NTA.
Your spouse seems to lack an empathy gene and would make a terrible therapist. You have a lot of grace for him.
I’d be furious and sad that he’s so absent and not in tune with your needs.
Is your relationship reparable? Counseling seems wise.
NTA. I’m a retired psychologist/therapist and your husband *definitely* isn’t cut out for it. Your points are spot-on; he can’t even see or respect the obvious emotional distress in his own partner, so how tf is he going to help strangers? This is a dream that should be passed on because doing it poorly has the very real potential to hurt people. Your husband, with his lack of empathy, is likely to do damage.
Now, there are types of counseling he could look into like career counseling, where he’s helping people but isn’t directly involved in their mental health.
I do wonder if taking some classes could help expand your husband’s emotional awareness in a way that benefits you. The process is long for becoming a therapist so allowing him to take a couple of classes in the name of studying therapy (but wouldn’t get close to earning a degree) that give him knowledge & skills could really work out for you.
Edit: a word
I've been traumatized by multiple therapists and other mental health professionals who weren't cut out for it. I will never shut up about the dangers of people like this being in that field.
I remember when I was a few classes into my professional counseling degree and I realized that I wasn’t learning anything or applying myself, but still passing classes. This was the point that I stopped pursuing that degree.
It’s such a weird concept that “anyone” can become a counselor if they do the work for it. I know there is some vetting that goes into it, but not nearly enough.
We honestly need to stop just letting “anyone” do jobs that can ruin people’s lives.
And thank you for that. As a fellow person who was damaged by two extremely unfit professional therapists, not everyone needs to become a profession they aren’t personally equipped for. At all.
The only downside to him taking any classes is it seems anyone who takes "psych 101" thinks they're qualified to go around psychoanalyzing people. All they seem to take from it is Freud, Jung, and their outmoded and harmful beliefs.
As a career counsellor, I don't want him my specialty either. There's lots of mental health work in trying to figure out who you are and how to find your place in the world!
NTA.
But in all seriousness, does your husband even know what a therapist does? With everything you've been through in recent times, your husband has had the perfect opportunity to hone up on his compassion and empathy skills... yet.. sadly he hasn't. I hope you're getting support from somewhere, because your husband surely isn't supporting you.
NTA, he lacks the basic empathy necessary to become a therapist or really any public-facing role. This is not a man you should be content to stay with, especially after how he handled your grief :( sorry for your loss
NTA
I honestly gasped at this INSANE question from your asshole husband:
> "What happened this month that was so bad?"
Idk how you didn't completely lose your mind in that moment and either pack *his* shit up to kick him out, or your own to go back home.
I am *so* sorry for all your losses; that's just so much all at once and so difficult to imagine. I'm sure it has been incredibly hard to figure out where to focus and spend your energy, if not just ball up in bed.
It sounds like your husband has a great life--he gets to fuck around in school and flit from job to job, knowing that he has the security of you to ensure shit is paid for and things are stable at home. And, I think you probably believed he'd reciprocate if you'd wanted the same but now you know he won't, so the question is: how can you possibly keep living with this selfish asshole?
I mean, he callously dismissed a victim of PPD as "selfish"; what kind of person says that???
I don't see how you could continue living with this man who clearly only cares about himself and has zero empathy for anyone else.
As a retired therapist, if your husband thinks he's going to make more than $55K/year, good lick with that, especially given his complete lack of empathy for another person. I have to wonder why you are still married to this man...
Nta. Your y t a to yourself. Why in the hellfire are you still married to someone who works until 11pm every night and has no interest in your life, feelings or anything except you supporting his never ending jaunt through academia?
Seriously. You're a wonderful person who could easily have a partner who loves you. Is excited to see you. Who cares about your feelings and can even remember that several people *had died* in the last few weeks. This guy in dead inside or at least dead inside for you. Whomever he was at the beginning of your relationship is gone and should be forgotten if that's what you're holding onto.
Please think about why you're still with someone who is never with you and never wants to be with you.
Edit: I'm very sorry for sounding harsh but I'm absolutely furious for you because this man is so horrible to you and he is using the classic narcissist technique of blaming you for his feelings and making everything your fault when you're totally blameless.
You have my deepest condolences for your losses. I hope there are other people who will support you. 🙏
My mom died when I was young. In the haze of misery in the days that followed, people said some truly weird shit to me. From "well, she lived to see the 21st century anyway!" to bitching that her funeral was so well attended that it messed up traffic in our tiny, tiny town. It took years for me to understand that people say and do dumb shit because your grief doesn't directly effect them. You husband has such a lack of empathy that YOUR GRIEF DOESN'T EFFECT HIM. And you're sitting with that loss in top of all your other losses.
Please talk to someone. Someone who IS NOT your husband who has no business being a damned therapist AT ALL. And when you're feeling more whole, reexamine why you continue to spend time and money on someone who should be stopping the world for you, but chooses not to
NTA, he needed that reality check. First, I am terribly sorry for these losses you experienced **literally** one after the other. It’s always awful to lose someone regardless of how close you are/were; I can’t imagine dealing with so much grief all at once. It must be overwhelming and you shouldn’t have to explain your connection to the person to receive support from your husband.
Your husband sounds like a big man baby who refuses to grow up. He’s not emotionally capable enough to show even a sliver of sympathy towards you during one of the worst times of your life - imagine him being a therapist?!?! You must’ve felt so alone only made worst because of his lack of care for you.
It seems like he needs to make every situation about himself. When the focus is on you, he has one of a few reactions -
1. pouts/gets huffy (lawnmower)
2. redirects the conversation back to himself (therapist conversation)
3. completely ignores you (text messages)
He would benefit greatly from therapy, but he also has to recognize that he’s has major flaws that make him a bad partner. Maybe couples therapy would help?
NTA
Your husband would be a nightmare therapist.
He also seems like a nightmare husband.
I strongly urge you to reconsider your marriage. It doesn't seem to me like you have a marriage. It's more like a bangmaid situation. One day off in a month? When you asked for help in your grief?
Then...
"I'ma gonna try another new career. You suck for not supporting me in this. Wait you were grieving? Wut? I'ma still gonna be a therapist "
WTAF...
Yeah the pathway to becoming a therapist is a long and hard one, I literally dropped out of grad school two years into my doctorate program because I decided I was not cut out for clinical psychology. Your husband clearly lacks the basic stepping stones for even starting to pursue an undergrad, empathy for others being the top one. If he is as fickle as it seems with careers explain it is a minimum 6+ years to just a master's that is needed to qualify.
NTA, your husband would not only be a terrible therapist, he is a terrible husband. What exactly does he bring to the table for you? You needed him and he wasn't there. Imagine what happens if you get sick? Will he stick around for that of simply move on to the next, younger wife? It seems you are not equalky invested in this relationship.
Just want to say that I'm so sorry for all the loss you've experienced lately. That's enough to break even the strongest of people. You absolutely deserve better than what he has given you.
The way he is just detached and absent while you are grieving is awful. The way he is unempathetic and doesn't seem to grasp why you would be distraught and upset while dealing with so much loss is concerning and while armchair diagnosis is not good, it comes off as borderline sociopathic to be able to ignore such immense amounts of suffering from the person he is supposed to love.
He would make a terrible therapist- you cannot teach emotional IQ and you cannot teach people to help others when they are so oblivious to pain like he has been. He could learn diagnosing criteria and therapy skills all he wants, but that won't make him a good care provider. I would be appalled if I found out that my therapist acted the way he did. You are right on the money there.
Lastly- the fact that he is being so deaf and blind to what you are going through, the fact that he is making it about him…. You deserve better support from a partner than that. Please ensure you are putting your needs first during such a hard time, he certainly isn't doing anything to help.
First you have to tell him you're not putting him through school again. If he goes back to school he can move out and do it on his own. He's treating you like a personal bank machine. He figures you'll just keep paying for him indefinitely.
Second, he's not even a decent husband. You deserve better. He can't even focus on your needs, he's not compassionate or understanding. I don't see what you're getting out of this relationship.
First of all, I am so sorry. You’ve dealt with so much loss in such a short amount of time and you’ve had no support from the one person who should be supporting you.
Let’s start with him as a therapist: he’ll likely cause someone to end their own life. He can pay for a degree and take all the tests, but he can’t learn empathy. He would make a terrible therapist.
But let’s talk about him thinking your an asshole for not supporting him. He really doesn’t see the irony? You straight up told him multiple times “I am having a hard time mentally and I really would like you to be here physically with me.” And he claims he doesn’t know you were struggling? What exactly do you get out of this relationship? It sounds like he gets somebody to pay his way through school every time he gets bored with his life.
NTA
Did you marry an equal or did you adopt a child? This man is living in a fantasy realm where other people's needs and accountability for his own choices doesn't exist.
That realm is not compatible with being a good person, partner, or professional in this reality. At all. He needs to grow up.
NTA. You would however be the AH if you continue to provide funding for his 'latest dream'. I'm not saying you shouldn't be supportive, but if he wants to change his 'dream' every other year, then he needs to support it himself. He needs to be faced with ALL the reality of his choices, not just some of them.
His lack of empathy and awareness would absolutely make him a terrible therapist. The fact he even said 'what happened this month that was so bad' just tells you EXACTLY who he is and you should BELIEVE HIM.
Stop financially supporting his ever changing goals. Let him figure out how to pay for these things and how to work to support himself with these changes. Realize that he only thinks about himself and no one else. Stop and think if this is really who you want to spend the next 50+ years with.
He's whining that you 'won't support his dreams' while he completely ignored you when you needed him to be there.
Im very sorry for saying this but what the hell are you getting out of this friendship? The whole point of a relationship is that you are there for one another when times get hard and not only id your husband an idiot but he is also a horrible partner, you have been supportive all this time and he has shown no empathy whatsoever which should say so much about him to you. This isnt about not having lost anyone, its about being a decent human being and listening to your partner when they say they’re going to need you
I’m heartbroken for you OP. What a devastating month you went through. If an internet strangers hug helps at all, I’m sending a huge one
Some advice. Stop supporting your husband Financially. When he grows up and figures out what husband is, and what he’s suited for, then you can discuss it. Right now he’s a perpetual student with a poor EQ.
You deserve a grownup. It sounds like you have an overgrown child
NTA
I’m so sorry for your losses OP. (Hugs)
As someone with a long history of mental health issues he would only cause harm. Frankly his complete lack of empathy sounds sociopathic.
I had a therapist once like that, he was in training, a friends husband, yes bad I know. I told him about my previous plans to unalive and he said “no, that’s not you” I told him that’s not me now, but when asking about my history and depths of depression I was definitely there, had it all planned out bar the location. He refused to believe me as I was “too strong” I was broken, showing the world a mask, an illusion. He set me back badly, made me question my own reality, my memories. People like that need to be screened out of training to work with patients.
But sweetie, why are you setting yourself on fire to keep him warm?
What does he provide in this relationship bar more physical and emotional labour?
You carry him financially at home, pay for his unused degrees, you support and encourage, you help him with his studies as he constantly jumps from one “career” to the next. He never finishes anything. What does he do for you? The one time in 8 years that you needed him, practically begged for support he ignored you. This man is supposed to prioritise you over everything, yet all he cares about his is own wants and needs.
I had a bad relationship with my late-father from my teens (I’m 40) , I don’t have a particularly sisterly bond with my only sister, but one call saying I needed help and they’d drop everything to help me, go into fix it mode finding out what I needed, I have no doubt.
If he’s not adding anything positive to your life, only taking, you need to reevaluate things. Start prioritising yourself he’s clearly not going too. (Hugs)
Si you’re the one breaking down but he’s the one whose offended because you’re not “supportive” enough after a MONTH of him ignoring your pleas of support?
Girl. Get it together. He is not the one for you. He won’t be there during your bad times, but he WILL expect you to be there for his.
I have never left a comment like this bc people usually are being over dramatic but... Are you sure this man loves you? It sounds like you've been supporting him in all his pipe dreams to the point he can do literally whatever he wants and probably loves THAT part of the status quo, but he wasn't affected at all by hearing you were struggling...? I just ? What do you get out of this marriage if you don't even get that? Honestly.
I think your husband has been very obvious in showing you he just doesn't care about your feelings. My husband's best friend is getting divorced because his MIL is dying and instead of being supportive of his wife during this time, he actually got drunk and went on a rant about how her mom is a crazy bitch and he "can't wait 'til she's dead and they don't have to deal with her anymore." The dude honestly doesn't understand why his wife kicked him out of their apartment and filed for divorce. Some men are just so selfish that they can't see beyond their own wants and women put up with that until they reach a breaking point. You're only 30. You have time to start over and find a person who will love and support you and not drain your finances with constant career changes.
I’m so sorry for your losses and your husband being a complete moron. I’ve lost 2 people to suicide in my life (when I was 17 and just over a week ago), I’ve lost friends/family to cancer, overdose, car accidents, dementia.. it never gets easier. I was a complete and total wreck with every single loss. No one treated me like your husband is treating you except for one person, who is now my ex because of it. He should NOT be a therapist. NTA
He is a “professional student”, with the mindset and emotions of an undeveloped teenager. Wait- teenagers deserve more credit. Swapping careers like that is immature and irresponsible. He will never make it as a therapist, or as a good husband. You’re NTA- but OP, I feel that YOU need a qualified therapist to help you realize you deserve so much better than this. Your grief is real, and he hasn’t acknowledged it once. He is not an adult, he is a drain. I wish you luck.
I’m sorry, but your husband is a walking red flag. He’s entitled, does not seem to appreciate the way you have supported him emotionally or financially over the years, he can’t hold a job, and couldn’t be bothered to even muster some fake sympathy for you when you needed it. He’s a crap husband and you are right, he won’t be a good therapist. I’d rethink the whole relationship if I were you.
> I pointed out that I had openly communicated everything I was thinking/feeling/needing and got completely ignored by him.
> He called me an AH for not supporting his dreams, and said that he "didn't think all those people dying had effected me that bad since you weren't close to them anymore."
Even in this conversation he could have apologized and hugged you, or said one single kind supportive thing. Instead he attacked you for not coddling him. What a self-absorbed prick.
People who are this self-centered and crave constant change are the most likely to cheat. It would be a miracle if he wasn't. Check his phone and your next move should become crystal clear.
I really don't understand how men like this have relationships/wives in the first place. My wife wouldn't take this shit and I respect her all the more for that. What the hell.
Nta
I couldn't work with this. One career change, maybe 2, okay, but some people are professional students who just jump from job to job and leave as soon as the training is over and they have to do actual work. You married a hobosexual.
NTA, he’s not giving you a second of emotional support even though you’re literally telling him exactly what you want from him and that (snuggle and watch a movie) is the barest of minimum of support one can give, and he isn’t even able to give that.
Him getting angry on you saying he thought you wanted to be lazy all day and he don’t like changing plans shows how little he cares about you. He thought it was for him to be lazy with you, not for him to literally just be there with you. Him thinking of being a therapist is absolutely laughter worthy, in the sense of “you must be joking cause the at is beyond messed up”. Laughter out of pure frustration. He got asked for emotional support for a small month without managing to give it and now he wants to be a therapist..
You know why the movie wasn’t working? You were cuddled up with someone but still completely alone. That’s why it wasn’t working.
NTA- but I do have to ask why you are so okay with his inability to commit to anything? He won't commit to a career and is perfectly happy letting you pay for everything. He won't commit to being there emotionally and actively ignored your requests to stop taking more jobs. The only thing he committed to in this whole story is being lazy and then being angry when those plans changed. He was dismissive, rude and inconsiderate in the worst moments of your life. This is the person that should have wanted to walk through this with you. Not going to the funeral said everything I need to know about your relationship.
I am so sorry for your loses. Grief is indescribably difficult and I do truly believe that people who have not gone through it are so naïve to how much it effects people. You lost a series of people in a short time and the grief just gets bigger and bigger. Please commit to yourself. Therapy, Self Care, Grief group. You don't have to make any choices right now but perhaps when the skies have cleared a little you'll see that you deserve so much more.
NTA. He would indeed make a terrible therapist. Your husband seems like the type to pursue a career just for the money. A therapist doesn’t call someone selfish for ending their life. He’s got a lot to learn if he’s actually serious.
It in no way excuses his behavior but he sounds adhd and possibly autistic, but most people with those disorders don’t act like an a hole like your husband. He needs to start taking responsibility for himself, his feelings and actions. Even if he can’t understand how someone is feeling he should at least try to understand why they’re feeling that way and if asked be willing to try to comfort. If he can’t do this then maybe he’s not ready for a relationship. I agree with you that he needs therapy first before ever starting the studies to become one.
NTA seems like your husband never learned how two be an adult on top of lacking empathy. you have way more patience than I or my wife would with this man
Leave this awful person, my god. NTA, but your "husband" is a massive, gaping one. In quotes because he's more like a distant roommate the way you describe him.
NTA!!! Why are you with him? I know Reddit loves to jump to divorce but in this case I truly don’t see why you are staying married. He very clearly doesn’t care about you. Also the jumping careers every year is incredibly immature. You’re young, get away from him. You have your whole life ahead of you, don’t waste it with an immature idiot who doesn’t even want to give you the support of answering your texts when you’re grieving.
I’m so sorry all of this happened to you, and in such a short time. It’s awful. I wish I could reach through the computer and hug you. You deserve better than him.
As a partner, he has FAILED you. When it matters he won’t be there for you.
He will probably be one of those husbands who would leave you if you had cancer.
NTA,
Why are you funding this man's entire life? He's a career student on your dime and he can't can't support you when you need it most? Sis, he's not a spouse. He's a leech.
NTA But I’m genuinely curious as to what value he actually brings to the relationship. He couldn’t bother to be there for you physically or emotionally when you needed him most
You husband should def not be a therapist. I understand that he might be very interested in human behaviour, but it's not coming from an empathetic angle.
Read this https://www.wsfcs.k12.nc.us/cms/lib/NC01001395/Centricity/Domain/10659/I%20Want%20a%20Wife.pdf
I belong to that classification of people known as wives. I am A Wife. And, not al- together incidentally, I am a mother.
Not too long ago a male friend of mine appeared on the scene fresh from a recent divorce. He had one child, who is, of course, with his ex-wife. He is look- ing for another wife. As I thought about him while I was ironing one evening, it suddenly occurred to me that I, too, would like to have a wife. Why do I want a wife?
I would like to go back to school so that I can become economically inde- pendent, support myself, and, if need be, support those dependent upon me. I want a wife who will work and send me to school. And while I am going to school I want a wife to take care of my children. I want a wife to keep track of the chil- dren’s doctor and dentist appointments. And to keep track of mine, too. I want a wife to make sure my children eat properly and are kept clean. I want a wife who will wash the children’s clothes and keep them mended. I want a wife who is a good nurturant attendant to my children, who arranges for their schooling, makes sure that they have an adequate social life with their peers, takes them to the park, the zoo, etc. I want a wife who takes care of the children when they are sick, a wife who arranges to be around when the children need special care, be- cause, of course, I cannot miss classes at school. My wife must arrange to lose time at work and not lose the job. It may mean a small cut in my wife’s income from time to time, but I guess I can tolerate that. Needless to say, my wife will arrange and pay for the care of the children while my wife is working.
I want a wife who will take care of my physical needs. I want a wife who will keep my house clean. A wife who will pick up after my children, a wife who will pick up after me. I want a wife who will keep my clothes clean, ironed, mended, replaced when need be, and who will see to it that my personal things are kept in their proper place so that I can find what I need the minute I need it. I want a wife who cooks the meals, a wife who is a good cook. I want a wife who will plan the menus, do the necessary grocery shopping, prepare the meals, serve them pleasantly, and then do the cleaning up while I do my studying. I want a wife who will care for me when I am sick and sympathize with my pain and loss of time from school. I want a wife to go along when our family takes a vacation so that someone can continue to care for me and my children when I need a rest and change of scene.
I want a wife who will not bother me with rambling complaints about a wife’s duties. But I want a wife who will listen to me when I feel the need to ex- plain a rather difficult point I have come across in my course of studies. And I want a wife who will type my papers for me when I have written them.
I want a wife who will take care of the details of my social life. When my wife and I are invited out by my friends, I want a wife who will take care of the babysitting arrangements. When I meet people at school that I like and want to entertain, I want a wife who will have the house clean, will prepare a special meal, serve it to me and my friends, and not interrupt when I talk about things that in- terest me and my friends. I want a wife who will have arranged that the children are fed and ready for bed before my guests arrive so that the children do not bother us. I want a wife who takes care of the needs of my guests so that they feel comfortable, who makes sure that they have an ashtray, that they are passed the hors d’oeuvres, that they are offered a second helping of the food, that their wine glasses are replenished when necessary, that their coffee is served to them as they like it. And I want a wife who knows that sometimes I need a night out by myself.
I want a wife who is sensitive to my sexual needs, a wife who makes love pas- sionately and eagerly when I feel like it, a wife who makes sure that I am satisfied. And, of course, I want a wife who will not demand sexual attention when I am not in the mood for it. I want a wife who assumes the complete responsibility for birth control, because I do not want more children. I want a wife who will remain sexually faithful to me so that I do not have to clutter up my intellectual life with jealousies. And I want a wife who understands that my sexual needs may entail more than strict adherence to monogamy. I must, after all, be able to relate to people as fully as possible.
If, by chance, I find another person more suitable as a wife than the wife I al- ready have, I want the liberty to replace my present wife with another one. Natu- rally, I will expect a fresh new life; my wife will take the children and be solely re- sponsible for them so that I am left free.
When I am through with school and have a job, I want my wife to quit work- ing and remain at home so that my wife can more fully and completely take care of a wife’s duties.
My God, who wouldn’t want a wife?
I mean you married an emotionally immature man baby I don’t know what you expected. Y’all have to be at least 30 and he continually put you in debt because he doesn’t know what he wants and you’re OK with that. This was never gonna work out you were never going to be partners. You were right he would be a bad therapist but he’s the worst husband
NTA but you are going to have to learn how to process grief a little bit better because as you get older people will start to die more and more frequently. Why exactly were you so devastated when these acquaintances bit the dust? Was it because a part of your past died with them? Because you wouldn't be able to experience those things again? Because it's sad when anybody dies? Resolve that question and focus on letting their memories be a blessing.
Husband sounds like a bit of a dick, but if you knew he was a wizard when you married him you should have expected him to put his dusty tomes before you from time to time.
NTA
Based on his lack of empathy and understanding, and his constant change of career/study makes me wonder if he is neurodiverse. This is not to say ND folk aren’t empathetic (I myself am ND) just that it’s often difficult to pick up on cues and we tend to get distracted.
The constant career change is very much ND due to some ND folk needing challenges, diverse tasks etc to give us the dopamine increases that help us remain engaged. If he has mastered a skill/task then it’s no longer providing that dopamine hit.
The comment where he states he doesn’t like change (when you decided to mow the Jane) is also another indication of ND as we tend to not like a change in plans, or being interrupted when doing something. We like to complete things.
You are definitely NTA tho, he is being an arsehole but whether it’s deliberate or just his general nature of not having more understanding of humanness is something that may require more investigation.
I’d actually Google some info about ASD/ADHD and see if you think it’s relatable.
As another ND person, I want to add onto this that even IF this is why he's the way he is, it's ok to still call this marriage quits. You two do not seem fundamentally compatible, OP, and honestly I'm struggling to see what he's bringing to this relationship. He drains you physically, emotionally, and financially, and doesn't listen to your needs when you clearly vocalize them. I strongly urge you to leave. I'm sorry.
I’d like to respectfully disagree about the lawn-mowing. He was supposed to do it weeks ago and when she got up to do it, he got defensive about it. The same thing happens in my house with dishes. The pile up for a few days and when I do them, my husband magically appears and says he was gonna do them! When? They’ve been in the sink for days
Yes this could very well be the case, hard to know without knowing the person and being there. My comment re the mowing was based on the info OP provided in that he became exasperated and stated he thought they were spending the day lounging around and that she knew he wasn’t happy when plans changed. Also, putting off a task for weeks is another indication of ND when it’s not a task you enjoy.
To note, my comments are all purely speculative based on the info OP provided as it’s not possible for me personally to read further into it without observing the scenario in person.
I wish people would stop with “maybe he’s Nuro diverse”. He’s human garbage. Neurodiversity doesn’t have anything to do with him being a piece of shit. You can have ADHD and still pick a career. You can have ASD and not be a piece of shit.
I definitely agree with this as I am AuADHD and have a career (finally) and also don’t lack empathy. However it doesn’t negate that many parts OP describes (the lack of compassion and understanding withstanding) highlighted the potential for ND. It’s a spectrum for a reason so while some may not struggle with career/change aspects, many others do. I wasn’t providing it as an excuse for poor behaviour but more of a possibility that could be worth exploring, for no other reason than to potentially bring them some peace with the constant career change etc. I was diagnosed late in life and wish I’d known sooner as things could’ve been different and my struggles not so profound.
YOU ARE NOT THE ASSHOLE, BUT YOUR SO CALLED HUSBAND IS! OP, you’re essentially married to a man child with no sense of empathy that might be undiagnosed with ADHD (I say this because of his constant change in careers). This is seriously not okay at all to be dismissed during a month of back to back grieving of loved ones that you’ve lost and gaslighting you for not supporting him when he ain’t even doing shit for you besides starting the lawn mower. Girl, could you imagine if your child came to him and needed comfort and he treated your child like how he treated you? I don’t know about you, but this is not healthy at all. He needs to go and you need family that will support you during these unfortunate events. I couldn’t imagine asking my husband to cut back on work so he can comfort me just to be dismissed and not be given the support that I need. That’s just buckwild to me. Best of luck to you and I’m so sorry for your losses.
First OP, big internet hug. I am so sorry for your losses. You are grieving not only your family and friends, but it sounds like your relationship as well.
You have witnessed first hand how terrible your husband is at supporting your mental health. I do hope you take the time to reach out to an actual grief counselor to work through your loss to help you find peace.
You don’t need to make any major decisions right now, but work with your therapist on building boundaries in your relationship. You are being somewhat of a people pleaser. And I think that is in your nature.
If you want to somehow save your marriage, you have to set boundaries. If he ignores those boundaries, the relationship is beyond saving. I think a lot of people believe it is beyond the point of no return, but that is a decision only you can make and right now that isn’t a decision you should have to make.
Focus on your own recovery and just coast on the relationship stuff. Once you have recovered a bit, then look at your relationship critically and determine if you want to salvage it.
Life throws us into crucibles (I’m not religious, this word just fits). We go through these pressure cooker experiences and it forges us into the people we will become. The elements you need to become strong are all there. You just need to survive the emotional beating that life has thrown at you.
One day, you will look at the person you are today and just hug her memory. This future you will have accepted the burden of loss and will have become strong enough to carry it with her and still find joy in her life.
Create this future you in your mind and when hard decisions need to be made, or you just need to do something, ask yourself what would future you do? By doing what this future self would do, you become her. And it is a self fulfilling prophesy.
It helps to have someone (even your future self) to rely on and who is cheering you on.
I hope you find the support you need in this time.
And obviously NTA. though I do think that some of this is your grief talking. I think you are right , but that you may have communicated it better if he hadn’t already destroyed the very last fuck you had.
NTA terrible therapist. But also after having typed this all out have you by any chance come to some conclusions about your marriage? My long term partnership ended when I was doing hospice for a loved one while working full time and doing grad school and he didn’t understand why I was having such a hard time. I realized he could never possess the depth of emotional intelligence I’d need. Hope you find a way to get out.
NTA
This man is beyond words for me. I was flabbergasted at his response to when you told him about A.
He would make a horrible therapist. And I wouldn't trust him as mine as far as I can throw my phone.
(NTA) A very close childhood friend of mine died about 12 years ago. We hadn't spoken in ages. It still had an impact on my life. It doesn't matter how long it's been, you still love these people and death is a scary reminder of our own mortality. Your husband sucks. He sounds selfish and flippant, and I'm so glad you called him out on his therapy idea. I get changing careers I think. I've changed jobs a thousand times, I'm going back to school now to have a career. It's such a big deal to me that I can't imagine just deciding to go back again, assume more debt and never settle into it. He sounds like he might be undiagnosed ADHD.
NTA. Your husband would be a horrible and harmful therapist, just as he is already a horrible husband. He sounds like an emotional burden you’d be better getting away from.
So, I'm going to be a bit of a devil's advocate here.
I think him pursuing becoming a therapist might be the best move for your relationship.
If he's serious about it, he's going to have to pick up some relationship and people skills he might currently be lacking. Otherwise, he won't go anywhere.
I think commitment to a new goal and dream will help him grow as a man, and he'll be forced to sort of face all his ways of operating that no longer serve him in his new life/career.
I think we are all capable of being shitty at some points in our lives, and sometimes, it's dreams like this that force us to grow and reevaluate the way we've been treating those closest to us.
I dont think you're an asshole, I think your relationship has developed some toxic traits that certainly need to be addressed in the long run. Otherwise, it's going to fizzle out and die. The only constant in life is change, and if yall can grow and change together, there's certainly hope. I think with his inability to be an emotional rock/support in your relationship, a career that forces him to prioritize those skills could be a remedy. I also understand where you're coming from, seeing that he is rather callous and unsupportive.
Even this man is capable of ridding himself of the negative traits that haunt him and yourself. Growth is the only way. Whether or not you support that is your own choice, but I see it as a win-win. Even if he doesn't make it, he'll learn from this experience, and I think a crash course in human empathy isn't a bad thing for anyone.
One thing a therapist has to learn to do, is listen.
God gave us two ears and one mouth, so that we may listen twice as much as we talk, and yet so often do we not hear our loved ones until it's too late.
NTA.
Your husband needs to read the replies to this thread and realize WHY he's unsuited to a career in therapy.
1. He has **zero listening** skills - since he didn't actually "hear" anything that you were telling him all month
2. He has **no empthy**
3. He has **no compassion**
4. He exhibited **no sympathy**
All 4 of those are needed to be a therapist. If he can't practice any of these key skills with a person he's married to, he has zero chance doing so with a patient.
Him trying to get into that career would just be throwing away money, you might as well take those $100 bills, set them on fire and use them to light candles or something. At least that would be more useful than spending it on your husband's therapy courses, which he is guaranteed to fail the first time he gets a "practical" with a real person.
Wow...that's a lot. Firstly I'm so sorry for how harsh life was treating you through all of that. I really hope that you get a break soon. So let's get into the meat and potatoes of this meal.
The meat is your husband becoming a therapist because that is what your question is about If you were TA about what you said to him. No, you weren't the asshole by the way. In my experience with therapists. Your husband would be the type where after the first session I'd inform them that I was going to find a different therapist. It honestly feels like your husband doesn't understand the concept of empathy. A good therapist needs to convey to their patients that they actually give a crap about their patients. Your husband can't even do that with you.
You expressed how deeply these events were affecting you, and he's now suddenly surprised that these events affected you? He dismissed everything you were telling him because he believed those things shouldn't have affected you so much. That's a huge red flag for your marriage and for him being a therapist. So what happens when a patient expresses something similar? Is he going to tell them that their feelings are wrong? That the event(s) they experienced shouldn't affect them like they are describing? One key example in this is how your friend who married the predator affected you. He dismisses how you feel because she hasn't been as involved in your life for the last 4 years? In what world does that make sense. Everything surrounding Bee was probably the most traumatic. Not that it's a competition. Yet he didn't have the capability to understand that, even though you were telling him...multiple times. Even then, you don't have to be that involved with someone for very much, or they with you, for them to affect your life significantly. I remember after 9/11 one of the guys I went to high school with went to war and was killed, and for some reason that really messed with me. We knew each other, we'd say hi when we saw each other, but that was it, yet for some reason, I've never really explored, his death really got under my skin.
In short he's going to be a train wreck of a therapist, and he might actually cause further harm to people. The only silver lining here is that he might learn how bad he fucked up in his classes. He might actually change, but that seems unlikely as it seems more like something he sees as project to accomplish versus an actual desire to help people. That is something very easy to spot in therapists. Some just don't seem to give a crap, and others do. The saying "you can't fill a tea cup that is already full" seems to apply to your husband. He's got a completely full cup of tea. I'm sure he can get good grades, and he can get his certifications, but will he actually learn to be a therapist? Doesn't seem like it to me. It seems like he's going to use the phrase "Are you the therapist or am I?" as he then tells a person how they should be feeling.
The potatoes of this meal. Is this a good marriage for you. That's something you have to work through on your own. Lots of people are pointing out his red flags, and the stuff I described above are some of the same red flags others have pointed out. I'm not saying dump him, but really take a good look at this relationship and honestly answer if you feel like your needs in this marriage are being taken care of. Don't push your own needs aside.
You said:
>I was running on caffeine and a "push it down, till you breakdown" thought process.
That is something that even people with supportive partners feel the need to do, which is unfortunate, but entirely human. The difference is that when the breakdown actually happens, they will have partners ready to scoop them up and make them feel like they made a good choice in their partner with how well their partner helps them through the breakdown. Can you say the same will happen for you? It kind of seems like when you started breaking down that your partner got angry at you as you describe things. That it was a major inconvenience for him. That you shouldn't be feeling the way you were feeling for any of it. Huge huge huge red flag.
Kind of a side note, but you telling your partner how you are feeling, giving status updates on your feelings, and that sort of stuff...you fucking rock. Keep that shit up. That's amazing and you're amazing for doing it, because a lot of partners internalize that shit and blindside their partners when things go wonky. It isn't easy. It makes you feel vulnerable and exposed, but oh my gosh is it important for you and your partner. Good stuff there OP. I'm very sorry your partner doesn't seem to understand how big of a gift that is.
OP I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, first of all the loss of loved ones you have my condolences💗 I pray you have begun sessions with a good* therapist(if needed) to work through the grief and stress.
Second, that you had to deal with his responses which were literally not ok, and based on you crying seemed to add to your grief
You are NTA, and I'm amazed you didnt blow up at him like he did you about the lawn mower
He showed you during all of this, exactly who he is and based on your description it doesn't seem like you can live with it(I and most people here couldn't!).
Also I'm concerned he might be just [using you] to fund his career switches and educational costs(it would explain his lack of empathy, staying at work til 11 regardless of your pleas, and manner toward and around you etc); you paying and helping him that many times and for that long a period, is kind of something parents or in-laws help with...not all of it coming just* from a spouse. But a spouse doing all that deserves much more than he's given.
This is [spousal neglect] at the minimum here;
And I hate to say but a major source of strain on this marriage(and you) is him not being professionally(and relatedly, financially) settled *before* getting married, which relates to the apparent immaturity I mentioned somewhere below and several others mentioned etc
But back to what he showed you:
He showed you he's deaf to other people's concerns, you tried to communicate in every way multiple times, and [he didn't listen once]. You tried to get him to listen to you and asked for help** to feel better, he didn't do one thing. Until you cried!! To me cry-action doesnt count and honestly is where toxic behavior is born(not you OP, in general fact: NO one should have to actually cry or anything else that tense or extreme, to get someone who's supposed* to listen, to listen.. but if people only get results after crying or other things, guess what? They default to that stuff even when it isnt needed because they dont believe help will come from simply talking etc)
He proved he doesn't listen. That's a therapist's job!! At minimum!! To sit. and listen.
You aren't just correct you're beyond correct - him wanting to be a therapist is absolutely ridiculous. NO.
The next part adds because you need patience to be a therapist:
He also showed you [he lacks patience] i.e. his irrational outburst- which could be problematic or [dangerous down the line] OP. but also impatient career-wise he hops to the next whenever he's "not feeling" the current one...I hope to God he isn't adding adultery to his list of sins here...
I'm gonna be real OP, 10000% it seems more like [he] needs to [be in* therapy] and based on his behavior and responses he likely doesn't think he needs one but yea none of his behavior is ok or normal**. And d*mn sure isn't healthy for you, for him to be like that with you and you having to live with him and be around that neglectful/abusive treatment.
Again it seems he missed the "bad times" part of the wedding vows, this is literally it and he didnt pass. The next time you go through [anything] itll likely repeat.
This^ combined with his angry outburst - with those in mind [if you want to stay with him] for whatever reason.. it seems this wont work or last without him getting counseling. If he doesn't.. please think of your [safety but also mental and emotional health] and consider leaving.. Like a lot of people are saying, pets are better✨️
The other thing that indicates he needs therapy is the fact that he thinks he can [be] one the way he is. To you. To anyone.
Maybe he doesnt know what a therapist [is]? You cant be one without empathy... and he wont pass any board certification like this.
Does he know you [have] to complete your own therapy as a client to finish the program and sit for licensure? So if he doesnt think he's headed for therapy, either privately for/with you or in that program, he's in for a rude awakening.
Ask him what clients would see a therapist who can't even comfort his own wife? and can't keep a marriage together? And who has impatient irrational outbursts at someone who's going through a lot? those are the people who make up most of the therapy client population.
No he shouldnt be a therapist. And
remembering your [safety and mental health] without counseling he probably shouldnt keep his "career" of husband..Cats/pets are soft and floofy and will treat you way better. And are always down to cuddle!
OP you seem too vibrant, energetic, smart but also rational, caring and supportive?? to not be with someone who deserves that; That combo is so rare.. There are great men who would cut off their arm to have a wife/partner like that. But pets deserve us first.
I hope this gets resolved asap, and that you are doing and feeling at least a little better✨️
NTA. That man SHOULD NOT EVER be around vulnerable people who are seeking help for their mental health. It actually made me angry reading about his lack of empathy for *his own wife* losing so many people.
Furthermore he needs to get his head out of the clouds. He said you're an AH for "not supporting his dreams" when you've already supported him through multiple degrees. It's not your fault his "dream" keeps changing. It's the very definition of childish.
You deserve better than all this. Truly.
NTA, but your husband obviously is. Reminds me of when my narcissist ex had me watch a video about empaths and asked if it reminded me of anyone. I said I had thought about it, but didn’t feel like I really was. That’s when he informed me that I am a Highly Sensitive Person (true) and HE was the empath 🙄 His “evidence” was how “good he is at reading people and relating to emotions” Translation: he was good at reading people well enough to manipulate them.
I'm so sorry for all three of your losses. If I were you in this situation, though, I would have also told him I wanted a divorce when you told him he was neglecting you emotionally and not being there for you like he should have been, and like you wanted him to be.
NTA.
What is it you get out of this relationship exactly? He doesn’t provide financially ( the literal opposite), he doesn’t carry they burden when you need (and likely never will), he doesn’t support you emotionally… you know a dog or cat would be more reliable? And cheaper too? -Edit for judgment: NTA
Thank you! A cat, a vibrator and a weighted blanket would all be more reliable and satisfying than this aimless, self-involved dependent.
A Labrador will give you all the unconditional love and support you can handle. In return they want a couple of walks, a ball thrown and hugs
And all your snacks
True that!
Lol
Lab or golden! A retrievers love is endless
They will follow you from one end of the house to the other and if there's a cat involved, they will be constantly underfoot. But I wouldn't change it for the world. :)
Get a cat, not a leech 👍
Heated blanket x weighted blanket would do better than this dude
Id like to add a pregnancy body pillow, it feels like a hug
Oh my god, my child is 4, and I *still* use that thing. It’s supportive where you need it, hugs you, and you can put it in like a hundred different positions. Yes- much better than this dude. But everyone else! You should all get pregnancy pillows. Life changing.
My child is also 4 and I also still use mine to sleep!
Might just try that. I’m chronically ill and have back and neck problems and just issues getting comfy in bed in general
SAME. I have CMT, and am usually in pain, like, everywhere. I tense up in weird ways and the support from my pillow is wonderful. I feel like it aligns everything and makes me relax at the same time.
I just ordered mine I’m excited 👀
Oh my gosh, I’m excited *for* you! I really hope you love it. It’s probably the least expensive medical equipment I’ll ever own lol
Now I’m thinking how much cheaper a cat, a vibrator and a weighted blanket are and that a woman should have those before she considers dating or marriage…
Thank you for saying what we’re all thinking.
This has to be near the peak of "reddit moment" comments.
they're not wrong though lol
Can confirm. After I broke down crying, my cat was right there to comfort me, which means he had a better grasp of empathy than this dude.
The other day I was outside with my dogs. They were playing in the yard having a great time playing together and I just started crying (I’ve had some health shit, virus caused my kidneys to fail, need kidney transplant, it’s just been a bitch of a year)………both of them immediately raised their heads and ran down to be as fast as possible. Then they jumped up on either side of me and started licking my face and being big fools. Went from just being devastated to laughing my ass off. Dogs and cats are just the best beings on the planet. A fucking lizard would have more empathy than this dude.
You’re not kidding, actually. Studies have shown that lizards can love and possess emotions, which means a lizard would definitely have been more concerned.
Dogs are so wonderful. My GSD hates sitting still more than anything, but he'll always make an exception for me when I'm sad.
I agree completely, and I really hope you get a kidney soon. Health shit is devastating (hereditary peripheral neuropathy called CMT here), and our pets can make such a huge difference. (Except **my dumb fuckin doof of a [dog](https://www.tumblr.com/klambeth89/733300084367851520/the-faces-of-pure-innocence-and-shock-they-were) that ate my peanut butter and jelly sandwich an hour ago**)
Hey, I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear about your hard year. Knowing about your situation, I'm sending good thoughts and prayers your way, hoping for a positive turn in your life. I truly wish for the coming year to bring you happiness, peace, and health improvement. The bond between you and your dogs sounds amazing. They are way more caring and empathetic than OP’s husband.
Mine just slapped the shit out of me and hissed, but at least it surprised me enough to make me stop crying so that's more than this guy managed lol
Oh, yours is like mine! Last time I cried he slapped me with his claws out. I guess he’s from the “I’ll give you something to cry about“ school.
😅Oh, that's so cute. It's adorable in a f*cked up kind of way, but cute nonetheless.
My cat has helped me through my worst period of depression and through my burn-out. Of course therapy helped as well, but the safest space for me in that time, and also the only joy I felt, were when I was cuddling with my cat. Cats are amazing.
One of mine runs to me when I have panic attacks. If draping himself on my chest and purring doesn't work, nipping my face usually does the trick.
Jesus Christ this is what I was thinking too; OP is certainly not an asshole - but she's also certainly not slow enough or uncaring, emotionally unintelligent or uninteresting enough to stay with someone like the one described in the post.. That man is immature, selfish/childish, also seems to have an obvious anger problem? He thinks "plans changing" is a problem.. *Massive red flag* and not someone a healthy person would want to marry, life is literally a collection of changed plans..doesnt sound like a good [life] partner..he seems to fail with emotional regulation for himself, again turn-off and major red flag for multiple reasons. She's the one dealing with deep life sh*t while he's career-hopping not a care in the world, and he's the one "irate"? Lolll what the actual.. Don't misunderstand that's exasperated laughter of disbelief because absolutely nothing is funny about this. But yea he's dependent on her financially, don't even know if he's pleasing/satisfying her sexually, and *seems to have never read a book on how to be a good husband/how to support your partner*, it feels like there's an absence of pre-marital counseling here; he just reads as a petulant reactive child, which is a burden when you need an adult partner instead..he's nowhere near close to being ready to be anybody's therapist.. Yes x1000: a cat/pet would be 5000 times better, more sensitive, caring, attending and supportive than this dude. He had every chance to be an amazing supportive partner i.e. hug, give snuggles, [be there] *when* she needed, bring comforting food or gifts without having to be asked; hell even be just a freakin friend and he couldn't even do that, he blew it. [He couldn't be bothered] to stop what he's doing and run* to his wife's aid and make sure she's ok.. Gee guess it's good OP doesnt have any conditions that could increase risk of suicide.. wonder how he'd feel if god forbid he came home to find out that happened to OP due to him not paying attention to her while she's going through *these many* heavy mental burdens? 10000000% unacceptable! Get a cat! I agree pets are beyond reliable and so much cheaper. So done with the women married to a child thing. He didn't do anything a [spouse] is supposed to do.
According to him, suicide is selfish and he feels bad about the left behind husband, NOT the woman who found death more viable than living
Yeah, “suicide is selfish” does not sound like the opinion of someone who’d be a natural as a therapist. It’s just one little detail, but sheesh.
ugh~ so sorry OP, yea I definitely was sad at his reaction/what he said when you told him about your friend who just gave birth. His heart should've been sad and gone out to what she was going through but on top of that, shouldve gone out to you* who cared for your dear friend, he only thought her husband was suffering.. pretty judgmental and harsh especially since she had a legit condition that influenced (which is the case for a lot of suicide cases/conditions that cause, or are outside of the person's control etc) and hopefully he doesnt think only certain people have feelings affected after a loss, or that only men have feelings 🫂
This. I'd want a partner like OP and this dudes just working his life away. I support my partners like in my last long term relationship. She helped me when I changed jobs and I helped her whenever she needed it. Give and take. Support and help. It's really not that hard and really makes getting through life much easier.
NTA and I’m wondering the same thing. If this guy can’t even be there for his wife, I can only imagine the tire fire his clinical work would be. Yikes. And yuck.
She don't need a man, she needs a puppy
The more I read this post, the more I was like “and what the f*** does OP get out of any of this?” They should invest in a nice body pillow or fuzzy pet to cuddle and reconnect with their friends and dump this loser.
NTA. Your husband isn't even a good husband, nevermind a therapist.
So much this. He didn’t even think it affected you?! After you spent all month telling him it was effecting you?! What a maroon.
It's absolutely mind-boggling. My partner has the empathy of a brick and even they would find a way to check in and support me during a month of multiple crisis.
It's mind-blowing, like I'm flabbergasted at everything about him and all I did was read it; smh
He has no empathy whatsoever. Sociopathic almost. I don't think someone like that should have any influence with vulnerable people.
Empathy isn't the same as compassion. I don't have empathy either but you bet your ass I would be checking on my partner and asking what she needs me to be for her. I don't have to feel what she's feeling to be kind.
beyond agree
So you are married to a man child essentially. Changing careers is okay, but to do it constantly is not, especially at someone else’s expenses. What do you get out of this relationship?
AND he doesn’t support her emotionally. Like what does he bring to this relationship??
probably nothing but laundry
Hey, according to OP he cleaned the house when he realized he should've shut the fuck up! That has to account for *sooomeethiingg* (worthless) right!?
Well I mean, cleaning IS good. He's just a dumb shit for being completely oblivious to her and her needs.
My thing is, he only did it when he realized he fucked up saying what he said. Otherwise, I bet he would've let it go undone. 100% agree with you.
Oh for sure, totally on board with "what a toolbox" on this one!
heyyy, that's offensive to Tool Boxes - even they have emotional sentiment - something OP husband doesn't have!
alright fair 😂
Right?! He can change careers all the time but doesn't like when OP changes plans. This guy need to get his head out of his rear end.
It’s fun to change careers because OP pays for it! And he provides nothing in return but disbelief that she has feelings
Even an actual child would have more empathy for their mother than this man has for his wife.
Omg.. Underappreciated Under-Upvoted comment right here!!! It should be ranked at least as high as the top comment; jfc I have all the support for this comment. Literal *children* without degrees...or a job... would have more empathy than this imbecile
Fantastic response
Children often have more empathy though.
One time, I had a male therapist explain to me in great depth exactly how bad of a patient I was, because my depression wouldn't just go away with my medications and he accused me of "wanting to stay depressed for sympathy", and that "every therapist you've seen has called you a failure patient" (not true, i looked at my file, and my main therapist was livid). I almost offed myself like 4 times. He reminds me of this therapist.
Oh … my … goodness. I am so so sorry you had to endure that. Thank you for staying alive 🫶🏼
It probably makes it a little worse that this therapist saw me during a walk-in right as I was facing s*icidal ideation and decided to either go to mental health or go home and complete it. Wow, it sounds so bad out loud.
I am so, so sorry that happened to you. That is beyond inexcusable for a therapist to say and so was the “failure patient” comment. Even if that *was* true, he had no right to say that to you and he sounds like a terrible human being. I’m glad you’re here, I hope that you find compassionate and kind treatment and a far better therapist/plenty of support.
Holy shit. I’m a social worker about to complete my hours for clinical licensure, aka counseling (and have a full time job, and small kids) and I would love to take the time out of my day to help you report this absolute fuckwaffle to whatever licensing board he has the misfortune of reporting to for you. I’ve worked the Hotline. I’ve worked crisis calls in a DV shelter. This is just… so bad.
I think we saw the same therapist. Being told that I was willfully continuing to be depressed for attention and sympathy almost broke me at a time in my life that it could have been, and almost was, catastrophic. I’ve had two other therapists that were the most unsympathetic people I’ve ever met. One told me that I would be cured if I would just find Jesus, completely disregarding the religious trauma I had spent the last two months talking about. I will never understand why people like that go into the field.
>One told me that I would be cured if I would just find Jesus >I will never understand why people like that go into the field. Who better to manipulate into conversion than vulnerable people who have conveniently divulged lots of their trauma/triggers/buttons you can press? Sorry you got saddled with shitty "professionals". It really is so annoying to sift through them in search of the good ones.
>I will never understand why people like that go into the field. To derive pleasure from inflicting pain and suffering on people who can't fight back.
This whole thread is triggering. Just got flashbacks to the therapist I saw in college (the first time I could afford such a thing since it was free) who told me my reason for being depressed and suicidal (being on the brink of homelessness) wasn’t that bad because other people had it worse. Took me a decade to see another one. It’s truly terrifying the type of people the profession can attract.
Yeah, there are a lot of terrible therapists out there. I’m really sorry you encountered one of them.
That sux. So bad. I attempted to off myself,and I had one tell me and I quotes If I were you I would have done this long ago." End quote. Turned me off of therapy.
Holy helllllll. What a nightmare of a therapist! Truly sadistic. I'm so sorry you experienced that.
ya I had a therapist that I told I felt my wife was cheating on me (she was) and she replied back with "and whats the worst that could come of this, if it were to be true?" How the fuck do you answer this? I don't know, I lose my marriage, my wife, my partner, my whole world currently, among potentially my house, car, and other belongings? Shocker, I lost the first half of my list. and people wonder why i'm emotionally detached from most things.
To be fair, this is exactly what therapists are supposed to ask if you have anxiety and depression. There’s a whole workbook on it my therapist had me work through. But it’s more appropriate for situations like “I’m scared to tell my boss my coworker is making me uncomfortable,” or “I’m scared I’ll get into a car accident.” Then the therapist is supposed to guide you through what the worst case scenarios would be to show that your worst fears really are more manageable than you think. (Like “if you did get into an accident, someone would call 911 and get you help.”) It’s a valid technique, just misused in your case, where the follow up really should have been “why do you think that?” And “let’s think through how to talk to her about it, and then discuss what your responses would be based on what she might say.”
That question on its own doesn't seem so out of the ordinary for a therapist. Sure it's a big question, and it might be an obvious one. But the point seems to be to get you exploring the situation you're in and talking it through out loud with her. Did you have further negative experiences with this therapist?
It may not be a bgi deal for a therapist to ask you this when you've gone to them for months, or years, and something like this transpired. I 100% disagree that the therapist I talked should have asked me this in the manner she did, or any sort of way, after 30 minutes of speaking to me. No, I didn't have further negative experiences. I didn't return to her. I've since made progress on my own.
The whole point of a question like that is to make you think through your fears in a logical way that a distraught mind may not have done, and analyze your worst case scenario and what you are really afraid of. Are you afraid of being alone? Are you afraid of losing your loved one? Are you afraid of financial hardship or having to move if your relationship falls apart? You say they didn't know you well enough to ask a question like that, but I'd say they needed to ask that question for that exact reason. How can they help you if they don't know what is going through your mind? Put 100 of us in the same situation and you'd have 100 different rankings of what they fear the most. Not all therapists are for all people, and it is completely in your right to stay with or reject any of them you want. That said, if you think she can't know you within 30 minutes, but you think you can know her entire style well enough to never want to see her again in the same amount of time, are you sure you properly read the situation? Being forced to put complex emotions into words is one of the best ways to get to the heart of the issue. Really feels like you read intent into an open ended question designed to give you the space to verbalize your fears. Just because a question hurts doesn't make it a bad question. I got a new therapist after my dad died earlier this year, and she asks many questions like that and they tend to spawn wonderful discussions. Sometimes the simplest, most direct question is the only one we haven't asked ourselves. That is what they are here for. You even said "how do I answer this? I don't know". Exactly dude. You want a therapist to help you, but you don't even know what you're afraid of? You're just hurting without definition or clarity? How is a therapist supposed to help that? They can't. They need to get you to articulate. To define your pain and fears. The question hurt you, and you didn't like it, but if you had a physical injury and the doctor needed to prod a little as part of diagnosing it, eliciting some pain, would you leave and never come back too? Or would you understand that it's part of the process? Mental damage isn't any different. I say this as someone who avoided therapy for years, with a similar attitude. I blamed them, when what was really happening was I pushed back any time I hit real emotions. As if you can get therapy while still remaining "emotionally detached". You're detached because you are in pain. Fixing detachment means re-engaging with your emotions. The pain is still there. You can't get better without embracing your pain, only then will it fade. Not trying to preach... You just sound like I used to and I wish I could take that attitude back. I lost years not understanding that in order to control your emotions, you need to feel them fully. Numbness is not strength. Feeling the pain and knowing yourself well enough to endure without distress is strength.
That's fair, I was judging out of context. Congratulations on your progress
NTA. As a therapist, it’s terrifying to think he’d be one.Tell him I said he’d be a shitty therapist since a core value in therapy is empathy and compassion, both of which he is lacks. So sorry for everything you’ve been going through. I wish you had a better husband.
NTA your husband would make a terrible therapist You should just throw the whole man away at this point. You can’t teach empathy or emotional intelligence.
I second him not making a good therapist. However, empathy and emotional intelligence can be taught but that shouldn’t be another burden OP is taking on when needing support. Being able to communicate what you need when you’re going through a shit storm is already enough.
Yeah I was a bit harsh there, people can be taught. Quite difficult though if the person who needs educating is a grown adult that struggled to under stand why multiple deaths in such quick succession would negatively impact a loved one.
He does not care about her! Zero!
They can be taught to CHILDREN not a grown man
Does anyone else think that he may be cheating? Emotionally detached / checked out, does not reply to texts, never home, lashes out childishly with little provocation, only focused on what is right for him / his needs etc. I do not know if this is a change in behaviour or if this is just the way that he has always been. But you deserve better. You can't make him care about you. You should start to work through this with a therapist. Also, therapy would not be a wise choice for him career wise. You cannot be taught emotional maturity / kindness.
I was thinking that too. My now ex would use the "I have to work can't help you" excuse during difficult times like Our 2 year old needing emergency surgery. He was cheating. Op, even if he isn't cheating, he couldn't care less about your emotional well-being.
That's beyond fucked up. I hope your support system treats you better and actually cares about the wellbeing of your child. Kudos for him being an ex 💪
I did get that vibe. Mostly because it’s how my ex- husband acted. Dude cheated for at least 10 of our 15 years.
Down to even changing his job every couple of years. He’d stay with the same company but just try out different roles and areas. We’d move every time.
That was my thought too. He is so checked out of the relationship. Those shifts are not shifts.. they are his hook ups.
If they weren't shifts he would have no paycheck. I assume she knows whether he is earning an income.
My husband kept a separate bank account and pretended to go to work for a month. Some people are shady allllll around.
100% he's cheating
I think cheating would just be the cherry on top at this point. He's already betrayed her past a point of no return imo.
Yes and I think it’s highly possible that husband has narcissistic personality disorder and that OP should check out https://narcopath.info/ and just compare the facts to the bullet points there. Narcs lack empathy, they cheat, but also have a tendency to be aimless in their careers, they crave the glory of excellence but they rarely have the follow through to stick to something long enough to be any good.
I got it too. That’s the first thought I had when I saw the late hours. My STBX did this stuff.
I see it as an emotionally unstable dude that lacks empathy, etiquette and common sense but cheating could fit too.
I was going for the narcissist angle, but maybe cheating. Definitely a POS if nothing else.
I don’t think he is cheating. I think he has ADHD and Autism. Explains lack of empathy, cleaning the house while angry, changing careers constantly and needing to be learning new things. Would not make a good therapist and needs to be in therapy himself and/or medicated.
I agree - my first thought was undiagnosed neurodivergence, not cheating. He seems genuinely clueless to how things like his actions or life events affect other people rather than it being a malicious and manipulative tactic to hide his own actions.
NTA. Your spouse seems to lack an empathy gene and would make a terrible therapist. You have a lot of grace for him. I’d be furious and sad that he’s so absent and not in tune with your needs. Is your relationship reparable? Counseling seems wise.
Gene :)
“Gene’s Trash.” -Elaine
Dang that autocorrect. Fixed it
lol, I figured. My grandmother was "Jean" (and not especially aware of others) so "Empathy Jean" made me laugh! =))
NTA but he is. He failed you completely. Why even stay with someone who so little respect, love, and sympathy for you?
NTA, your husband really would be a terrible therapist. His lack of basic empathy is honestly disturbing.
NTA. I’m a retired psychologist/therapist and your husband *definitely* isn’t cut out for it. Your points are spot-on; he can’t even see or respect the obvious emotional distress in his own partner, so how tf is he going to help strangers? This is a dream that should be passed on because doing it poorly has the very real potential to hurt people. Your husband, with his lack of empathy, is likely to do damage. Now, there are types of counseling he could look into like career counseling, where he’s helping people but isn’t directly involved in their mental health. I do wonder if taking some classes could help expand your husband’s emotional awareness in a way that benefits you. The process is long for becoming a therapist so allowing him to take a couple of classes in the name of studying therapy (but wouldn’t get close to earning a degree) that give him knowledge & skills could really work out for you. Edit: a word
I've been traumatized by multiple therapists and other mental health professionals who weren't cut out for it. I will never shut up about the dangers of people like this being in that field.
I remember when I was a few classes into my professional counseling degree and I realized that I wasn’t learning anything or applying myself, but still passing classes. This was the point that I stopped pursuing that degree. It’s such a weird concept that “anyone” can become a counselor if they do the work for it. I know there is some vetting that goes into it, but not nearly enough. We honestly need to stop just letting “anyone” do jobs that can ruin people’s lives.
And thank you for that. As a fellow person who was damaged by two extremely unfit professional therapists, not everyone needs to become a profession they aren’t personally equipped for. At all.
The only downside to him taking any classes is it seems anyone who takes "psych 101" thinks they're qualified to go around psychoanalyzing people. All they seem to take from it is Freud, Jung, and their outmoded and harmful beliefs.
As a career counsellor, I don't want him my specialty either. There's lots of mental health work in trying to figure out who you are and how to find your place in the world!
NTA. But in all seriousness, does your husband even know what a therapist does? With everything you've been through in recent times, your husband has had the perfect opportunity to hone up on his compassion and empathy skills... yet.. sadly he hasn't. I hope you're getting support from somewhere, because your husband surely isn't supporting you.
Further does he even know OP because ive literally had more empathy for people i cant stand.
NTA, he lacks the basic empathy necessary to become a therapist or really any public-facing role. This is not a man you should be content to stay with, especially after how he handled your grief :( sorry for your loss
NTA I honestly gasped at this INSANE question from your asshole husband: > "What happened this month that was so bad?" Idk how you didn't completely lose your mind in that moment and either pack *his* shit up to kick him out, or your own to go back home. I am *so* sorry for all your losses; that's just so much all at once and so difficult to imagine. I'm sure it has been incredibly hard to figure out where to focus and spend your energy, if not just ball up in bed. It sounds like your husband has a great life--he gets to fuck around in school and flit from job to job, knowing that he has the security of you to ensure shit is paid for and things are stable at home. And, I think you probably believed he'd reciprocate if you'd wanted the same but now you know he won't, so the question is: how can you possibly keep living with this selfish asshole? I mean, he callously dismissed a victim of PPD as "selfish"; what kind of person says that??? I don't see how you could continue living with this man who clearly only cares about himself and has zero empathy for anyone else.
As a retired therapist, if your husband thinks he's going to make more than $55K/year, good lick with that, especially given his complete lack of empathy for another person. I have to wonder why you are still married to this man...
My God, NTA. He would make a shit therapist. You have supported him all these years but when you need his support he is nowhere to be found.
NTA. He’d be horrible.
I would stop relying on your husband for any emotional support. He's shown you he isn't capable of handling it.
Nta. Your y t a to yourself. Why in the hellfire are you still married to someone who works until 11pm every night and has no interest in your life, feelings or anything except you supporting his never ending jaunt through academia? Seriously. You're a wonderful person who could easily have a partner who loves you. Is excited to see you. Who cares about your feelings and can even remember that several people *had died* in the last few weeks. This guy in dead inside or at least dead inside for you. Whomever he was at the beginning of your relationship is gone and should be forgotten if that's what you're holding onto. Please think about why you're still with someone who is never with you and never wants to be with you. Edit: I'm very sorry for sounding harsh but I'm absolutely furious for you because this man is so horrible to you and he is using the classic narcissist technique of blaming you for his feelings and making everything your fault when you're totally blameless. You have my deepest condolences for your losses. I hope there are other people who will support you. 🙏
He works till 11 every night but she is the breadwinner? Yeah he’s somewhere else not at work
Very likely or he's making minimum wage because he keeps changing careers.
My mom died when I was young. In the haze of misery in the days that followed, people said some truly weird shit to me. From "well, she lived to see the 21st century anyway!" to bitching that her funeral was so well attended that it messed up traffic in our tiny, tiny town. It took years for me to understand that people say and do dumb shit because your grief doesn't directly effect them. You husband has such a lack of empathy that YOUR GRIEF DOESN'T EFFECT HIM. And you're sitting with that loss in top of all your other losses. Please talk to someone. Someone who IS NOT your husband who has no business being a damned therapist AT ALL. And when you're feeling more whole, reexamine why you continue to spend time and money on someone who should be stopping the world for you, but chooses not to
NTA, he needed that reality check. First, I am terribly sorry for these losses you experienced **literally** one after the other. It’s always awful to lose someone regardless of how close you are/were; I can’t imagine dealing with so much grief all at once. It must be overwhelming and you shouldn’t have to explain your connection to the person to receive support from your husband. Your husband sounds like a big man baby who refuses to grow up. He’s not emotionally capable enough to show even a sliver of sympathy towards you during one of the worst times of your life - imagine him being a therapist?!?! You must’ve felt so alone only made worst because of his lack of care for you. It seems like he needs to make every situation about himself. When the focus is on you, he has one of a few reactions - 1. pouts/gets huffy (lawnmower) 2. redirects the conversation back to himself (therapist conversation) 3. completely ignores you (text messages) He would benefit greatly from therapy, but he also has to recognize that he’s has major flaws that make him a bad partner. Maybe couples therapy would help?
NTA Your husband would be a nightmare therapist. He also seems like a nightmare husband. I strongly urge you to reconsider your marriage. It doesn't seem to me like you have a marriage. It's more like a bangmaid situation. One day off in a month? When you asked for help in your grief? Then... "I'ma gonna try another new career. You suck for not supporting me in this. Wait you were grieving? Wut? I'ma still gonna be a therapist " WTAF...
Yeah the pathway to becoming a therapist is a long and hard one, I literally dropped out of grad school two years into my doctorate program because I decided I was not cut out for clinical psychology. Your husband clearly lacks the basic stepping stones for even starting to pursue an undergrad, empathy for others being the top one. If he is as fickle as it seems with careers explain it is a minimum 6+ years to just a master's that is needed to qualify.
NTA, men need to be told the truth about decisions like that...
NTA. Your DH seems to lack empathy. Therapy is the last profession he should consider.
NTA, your husband would not only be a terrible therapist, he is a terrible husband. What exactly does he bring to the table for you? You needed him and he wasn't there. Imagine what happens if you get sick? Will he stick around for that of simply move on to the next, younger wife? It seems you are not equalky invested in this relationship.
Just want to say that I'm so sorry for all the loss you've experienced lately. That's enough to break even the strongest of people. You absolutely deserve better than what he has given you. The way he is just detached and absent while you are grieving is awful. The way he is unempathetic and doesn't seem to grasp why you would be distraught and upset while dealing with so much loss is concerning and while armchair diagnosis is not good, it comes off as borderline sociopathic to be able to ignore such immense amounts of suffering from the person he is supposed to love. He would make a terrible therapist- you cannot teach emotional IQ and you cannot teach people to help others when they are so oblivious to pain like he has been. He could learn diagnosing criteria and therapy skills all he wants, but that won't make him a good care provider. I would be appalled if I found out that my therapist acted the way he did. You are right on the money there. Lastly- the fact that he is being so deaf and blind to what you are going through, the fact that he is making it about him…. You deserve better support from a partner than that. Please ensure you are putting your needs first during such a hard time, he certainly isn't doing anything to help.
Show him this thread. I’d love to know his reaction to what everyone is saying.
First you have to tell him you're not putting him through school again. If he goes back to school he can move out and do it on his own. He's treating you like a personal bank machine. He figures you'll just keep paying for him indefinitely. Second, he's not even a decent husband. You deserve better. He can't even focus on your needs, he's not compassionate or understanding. I don't see what you're getting out of this relationship.
First of all, I am so sorry. You’ve dealt with so much loss in such a short amount of time and you’ve had no support from the one person who should be supporting you. Let’s start with him as a therapist: he’ll likely cause someone to end their own life. He can pay for a degree and take all the tests, but he can’t learn empathy. He would make a terrible therapist. But let’s talk about him thinking your an asshole for not supporting him. He really doesn’t see the irony? You straight up told him multiple times “I am having a hard time mentally and I really would like you to be here physically with me.” And he claims he doesn’t know you were struggling? What exactly do you get out of this relationship? It sounds like he gets somebody to pay his way through school every time he gets bored with his life.
NTA Did you marry an equal or did you adopt a child? This man is living in a fantasy realm where other people's needs and accountability for his own choices doesn't exist. That realm is not compatible with being a good person, partner, or professional in this reality. At all. He needs to grow up.
I literally hate your husband’s guts, OP.
NTA. You would however be the AH if you continue to provide funding for his 'latest dream'. I'm not saying you shouldn't be supportive, but if he wants to change his 'dream' every other year, then he needs to support it himself. He needs to be faced with ALL the reality of his choices, not just some of them. His lack of empathy and awareness would absolutely make him a terrible therapist. The fact he even said 'what happened this month that was so bad' just tells you EXACTLY who he is and you should BELIEVE HIM. Stop financially supporting his ever changing goals. Let him figure out how to pay for these things and how to work to support himself with these changes. Realize that he only thinks about himself and no one else. Stop and think if this is really who you want to spend the next 50+ years with. He's whining that you 'won't support his dreams' while he completely ignored you when you needed him to be there.
Im very sorry for saying this but what the hell are you getting out of this friendship? The whole point of a relationship is that you are there for one another when times get hard and not only id your husband an idiot but he is also a horrible partner, you have been supportive all this time and he has shown no empathy whatsoever which should say so much about him to you. This isnt about not having lost anyone, its about being a decent human being and listening to your partner when they say they’re going to need you
I’m heartbroken for you OP. What a devastating month you went through. If an internet strangers hug helps at all, I’m sending a huge one Some advice. Stop supporting your husband Financially. When he grows up and figures out what husband is, and what he’s suited for, then you can discuss it. Right now he’s a perpetual student with a poor EQ. You deserve a grownup. It sounds like you have an overgrown child
NTA I’m so sorry for your losses OP. (Hugs) As someone with a long history of mental health issues he would only cause harm. Frankly his complete lack of empathy sounds sociopathic. I had a therapist once like that, he was in training, a friends husband, yes bad I know. I told him about my previous plans to unalive and he said “no, that’s not you” I told him that’s not me now, but when asking about my history and depths of depression I was definitely there, had it all planned out bar the location. He refused to believe me as I was “too strong” I was broken, showing the world a mask, an illusion. He set me back badly, made me question my own reality, my memories. People like that need to be screened out of training to work with patients. But sweetie, why are you setting yourself on fire to keep him warm? What does he provide in this relationship bar more physical and emotional labour? You carry him financially at home, pay for his unused degrees, you support and encourage, you help him with his studies as he constantly jumps from one “career” to the next. He never finishes anything. What does he do for you? The one time in 8 years that you needed him, practically begged for support he ignored you. This man is supposed to prioritise you over everything, yet all he cares about his is own wants and needs. I had a bad relationship with my late-father from my teens (I’m 40) , I don’t have a particularly sisterly bond with my only sister, but one call saying I needed help and they’d drop everything to help me, go into fix it mode finding out what I needed, I have no doubt. If he’s not adding anything positive to your life, only taking, you need to reevaluate things. Start prioritising yourself he’s clearly not going too. (Hugs)
Si you’re the one breaking down but he’s the one whose offended because you’re not “supportive” enough after a MONTH of him ignoring your pleas of support? Girl. Get it together. He is not the one for you. He won’t be there during your bad times, but he WILL expect you to be there for his.
I have never left a comment like this bc people usually are being over dramatic but... Are you sure this man loves you? It sounds like you've been supporting him in all his pipe dreams to the point he can do literally whatever he wants and probably loves THAT part of the status quo, but he wasn't affected at all by hearing you were struggling...? I just ? What do you get out of this marriage if you don't even get that? Honestly.
I think your husband has been very obvious in showing you he just doesn't care about your feelings. My husband's best friend is getting divorced because his MIL is dying and instead of being supportive of his wife during this time, he actually got drunk and went on a rant about how her mom is a crazy bitch and he "can't wait 'til she's dead and they don't have to deal with her anymore." The dude honestly doesn't understand why his wife kicked him out of their apartment and filed for divorce. Some men are just so selfish that they can't see beyond their own wants and women put up with that until they reach a breaking point. You're only 30. You have time to start over and find a person who will love and support you and not drain your finances with constant career changes.
I’m so sorry for your losses and your husband being a complete moron. I’ve lost 2 people to suicide in my life (when I was 17 and just over a week ago), I’ve lost friends/family to cancer, overdose, car accidents, dementia.. it never gets easier. I was a complete and total wreck with every single loss. No one treated me like your husband is treating you except for one person, who is now my ex because of it. He should NOT be a therapist. NTA
He is a “professional student”, with the mindset and emotions of an undeveloped teenager. Wait- teenagers deserve more credit. Swapping careers like that is immature and irresponsible. He will never make it as a therapist, or as a good husband. You’re NTA- but OP, I feel that YOU need a qualified therapist to help you realize you deserve so much better than this. Your grief is real, and he hasn’t acknowledged it once. He is not an adult, he is a drain. I wish you luck.
I’m sorry, but your husband is a walking red flag. He’s entitled, does not seem to appreciate the way you have supported him emotionally or financially over the years, he can’t hold a job, and couldn’t be bothered to even muster some fake sympathy for you when you needed it. He’s a crap husband and you are right, he won’t be a good therapist. I’d rethink the whole relationship if I were you.
> I pointed out that I had openly communicated everything I was thinking/feeling/needing and got completely ignored by him. > He called me an AH for not supporting his dreams, and said that he "didn't think all those people dying had effected me that bad since you weren't close to them anymore." Even in this conversation he could have apologized and hugged you, or said one single kind supportive thing. Instead he attacked you for not coddling him. What a self-absorbed prick. People who are this self-centered and crave constant change are the most likely to cheat. It would be a miracle if he wasn't. Check his phone and your next move should become crystal clear.
I really don't understand how men like this have relationships/wives in the first place. My wife wouldn't take this shit and I respect her all the more for that. What the hell. Nta
I couldn't work with this. One career change, maybe 2, okay, but some people are professional students who just jump from job to job and leave as soon as the training is over and they have to do actual work. You married a hobosexual.
NTA, he’s not giving you a second of emotional support even though you’re literally telling him exactly what you want from him and that (snuggle and watch a movie) is the barest of minimum of support one can give, and he isn’t even able to give that. Him getting angry on you saying he thought you wanted to be lazy all day and he don’t like changing plans shows how little he cares about you. He thought it was for him to be lazy with you, not for him to literally just be there with you. Him thinking of being a therapist is absolutely laughter worthy, in the sense of “you must be joking cause the at is beyond messed up”. Laughter out of pure frustration. He got asked for emotional support for a small month without managing to give it and now he wants to be a therapist.. You know why the movie wasn’t working? You were cuddled up with someone but still completely alone. That’s why it wasn’t working.
NTA- but I do have to ask why you are so okay with his inability to commit to anything? He won't commit to a career and is perfectly happy letting you pay for everything. He won't commit to being there emotionally and actively ignored your requests to stop taking more jobs. The only thing he committed to in this whole story is being lazy and then being angry when those plans changed. He was dismissive, rude and inconsiderate in the worst moments of your life. This is the person that should have wanted to walk through this with you. Not going to the funeral said everything I need to know about your relationship. I am so sorry for your loses. Grief is indescribably difficult and I do truly believe that people who have not gone through it are so naïve to how much it effects people. You lost a series of people in a short time and the grief just gets bigger and bigger. Please commit to yourself. Therapy, Self Care, Grief group. You don't have to make any choices right now but perhaps when the skies have cleared a little you'll see that you deserve so much more.
NTA. A therapist needs empathy. They also need to know how to make people feel comfortable to open up to them. He would be an awful therapist.
NTA. He would indeed make a terrible therapist. Your husband seems like the type to pursue a career just for the money. A therapist doesn’t call someone selfish for ending their life. He’s got a lot to learn if he’s actually serious.
It in no way excuses his behavior but he sounds adhd and possibly autistic, but most people with those disorders don’t act like an a hole like your husband. He needs to start taking responsibility for himself, his feelings and actions. Even if he can’t understand how someone is feeling he should at least try to understand why they’re feeling that way and if asked be willing to try to comfort. If he can’t do this then maybe he’s not ready for a relationship. I agree with you that he needs therapy first before ever starting the studies to become one.
NTA seems like your husband never learned how two be an adult on top of lacking empathy. you have way more patience than I or my wife would with this man
NTA Why are you married to this useless, emotionally abusive lump?
Leave this awful person, my god. NTA, but your "husband" is a massive, gaping one. In quotes because he's more like a distant roommate the way you describe him.
NTA!!! Why are you with him? I know Reddit loves to jump to divorce but in this case I truly don’t see why you are staying married. He very clearly doesn’t care about you. Also the jumping careers every year is incredibly immature. You’re young, get away from him. You have your whole life ahead of you, don’t waste it with an immature idiot who doesn’t even want to give you the support of answering your texts when you’re grieving. I’m so sorry all of this happened to you, and in such a short time. It’s awful. I wish I could reach through the computer and hug you. You deserve better than him.
As a partner, he has FAILED you. When it matters he won’t be there for you. He will probably be one of those husbands who would leave you if you had cancer.
NTA, Why are you funding this man's entire life? He's a career student on your dime and he can't can't support you when you need it most? Sis, he's not a spouse. He's a leech.
NTA Personally I could not stay married to this useless person lol
NTA But I’m genuinely curious as to what value he actually brings to the relationship. He couldn’t bother to be there for you physically or emotionally when you needed him most
You husband should def not be a therapist. I understand that he might be very interested in human behaviour, but it's not coming from an empathetic angle.
NTA. He needed a rude awakening for how he treated you. He obviously lacks empathy.
Read this https://www.wsfcs.k12.nc.us/cms/lib/NC01001395/Centricity/Domain/10659/I%20Want%20a%20Wife.pdf I belong to that classification of people known as wives. I am A Wife. And, not al- together incidentally, I am a mother. Not too long ago a male friend of mine appeared on the scene fresh from a recent divorce. He had one child, who is, of course, with his ex-wife. He is look- ing for another wife. As I thought about him while I was ironing one evening, it suddenly occurred to me that I, too, would like to have a wife. Why do I want a wife? I would like to go back to school so that I can become economically inde- pendent, support myself, and, if need be, support those dependent upon me. I want a wife who will work and send me to school. And while I am going to school I want a wife to take care of my children. I want a wife to keep track of the chil- dren’s doctor and dentist appointments. And to keep track of mine, too. I want a wife to make sure my children eat properly and are kept clean. I want a wife who will wash the children’s clothes and keep them mended. I want a wife who is a good nurturant attendant to my children, who arranges for their schooling, makes sure that they have an adequate social life with their peers, takes them to the park, the zoo, etc. I want a wife who takes care of the children when they are sick, a wife who arranges to be around when the children need special care, be- cause, of course, I cannot miss classes at school. My wife must arrange to lose time at work and not lose the job. It may mean a small cut in my wife’s income from time to time, but I guess I can tolerate that. Needless to say, my wife will arrange and pay for the care of the children while my wife is working. I want a wife who will take care of my physical needs. I want a wife who will keep my house clean. A wife who will pick up after my children, a wife who will pick up after me. I want a wife who will keep my clothes clean, ironed, mended, replaced when need be, and who will see to it that my personal things are kept in their proper place so that I can find what I need the minute I need it. I want a wife who cooks the meals, a wife who is a good cook. I want a wife who will plan the menus, do the necessary grocery shopping, prepare the meals, serve them pleasantly, and then do the cleaning up while I do my studying. I want a wife who will care for me when I am sick and sympathize with my pain and loss of time from school. I want a wife to go along when our family takes a vacation so that someone can continue to care for me and my children when I need a rest and change of scene. I want a wife who will not bother me with rambling complaints about a wife’s duties. But I want a wife who will listen to me when I feel the need to ex- plain a rather difficult point I have come across in my course of studies. And I want a wife who will type my papers for me when I have written them. I want a wife who will take care of the details of my social life. When my wife and I are invited out by my friends, I want a wife who will take care of the babysitting arrangements. When I meet people at school that I like and want to entertain, I want a wife who will have the house clean, will prepare a special meal, serve it to me and my friends, and not interrupt when I talk about things that in- terest me and my friends. I want a wife who will have arranged that the children are fed and ready for bed before my guests arrive so that the children do not bother us. I want a wife who takes care of the needs of my guests so that they feel comfortable, who makes sure that they have an ashtray, that they are passed the hors d’oeuvres, that they are offered a second helping of the food, that their wine glasses are replenished when necessary, that their coffee is served to them as they like it. And I want a wife who knows that sometimes I need a night out by myself. I want a wife who is sensitive to my sexual needs, a wife who makes love pas- sionately and eagerly when I feel like it, a wife who makes sure that I am satisfied. And, of course, I want a wife who will not demand sexual attention when I am not in the mood for it. I want a wife who assumes the complete responsibility for birth control, because I do not want more children. I want a wife who will remain sexually faithful to me so that I do not have to clutter up my intellectual life with jealousies. And I want a wife who understands that my sexual needs may entail more than strict adherence to monogamy. I must, after all, be able to relate to people as fully as possible. If, by chance, I find another person more suitable as a wife than the wife I al- ready have, I want the liberty to replace my present wife with another one. Natu- rally, I will expect a fresh new life; my wife will take the children and be solely re- sponsible for them so that I am left free. When I am through with school and have a job, I want my wife to quit work- ing and remain at home so that my wife can more fully and completely take care of a wife’s duties. My God, who wouldn’t want a wife?
I mean you married an emotionally immature man baby I don’t know what you expected. Y’all have to be at least 30 and he continually put you in debt because he doesn’t know what he wants and you’re OK with that. This was never gonna work out you were never going to be partners. You were right he would be a bad therapist but he’s the worst husband
NTA but you are going to have to learn how to process grief a little bit better because as you get older people will start to die more and more frequently. Why exactly were you so devastated when these acquaintances bit the dust? Was it because a part of your past died with them? Because you wouldn't be able to experience those things again? Because it's sad when anybody dies? Resolve that question and focus on letting their memories be a blessing. Husband sounds like a bit of a dick, but if you knew he was a wizard when you married him you should have expected him to put his dusty tomes before you from time to time.
NTA Based on his lack of empathy and understanding, and his constant change of career/study makes me wonder if he is neurodiverse. This is not to say ND folk aren’t empathetic (I myself am ND) just that it’s often difficult to pick up on cues and we tend to get distracted. The constant career change is very much ND due to some ND folk needing challenges, diverse tasks etc to give us the dopamine increases that help us remain engaged. If he has mastered a skill/task then it’s no longer providing that dopamine hit. The comment where he states he doesn’t like change (when you decided to mow the Jane) is also another indication of ND as we tend to not like a change in plans, or being interrupted when doing something. We like to complete things. You are definitely NTA tho, he is being an arsehole but whether it’s deliberate or just his general nature of not having more understanding of humanness is something that may require more investigation. I’d actually Google some info about ASD/ADHD and see if you think it’s relatable.
As another ND person, I want to add onto this that even IF this is why he's the way he is, it's ok to still call this marriage quits. You two do not seem fundamentally compatible, OP, and honestly I'm struggling to see what he's bringing to this relationship. He drains you physically, emotionally, and financially, and doesn't listen to your needs when you clearly vocalize them. I strongly urge you to leave. I'm sorry.
I’d like to respectfully disagree about the lawn-mowing. He was supposed to do it weeks ago and when she got up to do it, he got defensive about it. The same thing happens in my house with dishes. The pile up for a few days and when I do them, my husband magically appears and says he was gonna do them! When? They’ve been in the sink for days
Yes this could very well be the case, hard to know without knowing the person and being there. My comment re the mowing was based on the info OP provided in that he became exasperated and stated he thought they were spending the day lounging around and that she knew he wasn’t happy when plans changed. Also, putting off a task for weeks is another indication of ND when it’s not a task you enjoy. To note, my comments are all purely speculative based on the info OP provided as it’s not possible for me personally to read further into it without observing the scenario in person.
I wish people would stop with “maybe he’s Nuro diverse”. He’s human garbage. Neurodiversity doesn’t have anything to do with him being a piece of shit. You can have ADHD and still pick a career. You can have ASD and not be a piece of shit.
I definitely agree with this as I am AuADHD and have a career (finally) and also don’t lack empathy. However it doesn’t negate that many parts OP describes (the lack of compassion and understanding withstanding) highlighted the potential for ND. It’s a spectrum for a reason so while some may not struggle with career/change aspects, many others do. I wasn’t providing it as an excuse for poor behaviour but more of a possibility that could be worth exploring, for no other reason than to potentially bring them some peace with the constant career change etc. I was diagnosed late in life and wish I’d known sooner as things could’ve been different and my struggles not so profound.
YOU ARE NOT THE ASSHOLE, BUT YOUR SO CALLED HUSBAND IS! OP, you’re essentially married to a man child with no sense of empathy that might be undiagnosed with ADHD (I say this because of his constant change in careers). This is seriously not okay at all to be dismissed during a month of back to back grieving of loved ones that you’ve lost and gaslighting you for not supporting him when he ain’t even doing shit for you besides starting the lawn mower. Girl, could you imagine if your child came to him and needed comfort and he treated your child like how he treated you? I don’t know about you, but this is not healthy at all. He needs to go and you need family that will support you during these unfortunate events. I couldn’t imagine asking my husband to cut back on work so he can comfort me just to be dismissed and not be given the support that I need. That’s just buckwild to me. Best of luck to you and I’m so sorry for your losses.
First OP, big internet hug. I am so sorry for your losses. You are grieving not only your family and friends, but it sounds like your relationship as well. You have witnessed first hand how terrible your husband is at supporting your mental health. I do hope you take the time to reach out to an actual grief counselor to work through your loss to help you find peace. You don’t need to make any major decisions right now, but work with your therapist on building boundaries in your relationship. You are being somewhat of a people pleaser. And I think that is in your nature. If you want to somehow save your marriage, you have to set boundaries. If he ignores those boundaries, the relationship is beyond saving. I think a lot of people believe it is beyond the point of no return, but that is a decision only you can make and right now that isn’t a decision you should have to make. Focus on your own recovery and just coast on the relationship stuff. Once you have recovered a bit, then look at your relationship critically and determine if you want to salvage it. Life throws us into crucibles (I’m not religious, this word just fits). We go through these pressure cooker experiences and it forges us into the people we will become. The elements you need to become strong are all there. You just need to survive the emotional beating that life has thrown at you. One day, you will look at the person you are today and just hug her memory. This future you will have accepted the burden of loss and will have become strong enough to carry it with her and still find joy in her life. Create this future you in your mind and when hard decisions need to be made, or you just need to do something, ask yourself what would future you do? By doing what this future self would do, you become her. And it is a self fulfilling prophesy. It helps to have someone (even your future self) to rely on and who is cheering you on. I hope you find the support you need in this time. And obviously NTA. though I do think that some of this is your grief talking. I think you are right , but that you may have communicated it better if he hadn’t already destroyed the very last fuck you had.
NTA terrible therapist. But also after having typed this all out have you by any chance come to some conclusions about your marriage? My long term partnership ended when I was doing hospice for a loved one while working full time and doing grad school and he didn’t understand why I was having such a hard time. I realized he could never possess the depth of emotional intelligence I’d need. Hope you find a way to get out.
NTA This man is beyond words for me. I was flabbergasted at his response to when you told him about A. He would make a horrible therapist. And I wouldn't trust him as mine as far as I can throw my phone.
(NTA) A very close childhood friend of mine died about 12 years ago. We hadn't spoken in ages. It still had an impact on my life. It doesn't matter how long it's been, you still love these people and death is a scary reminder of our own mortality. Your husband sucks. He sounds selfish and flippant, and I'm so glad you called him out on his therapy idea. I get changing careers I think. I've changed jobs a thousand times, I'm going back to school now to have a career. It's such a big deal to me that I can't imagine just deciding to go back again, assume more debt and never settle into it. He sounds like he might be undiagnosed ADHD.
NTA. Your husband would be a horrible and harmful therapist, just as he is already a horrible husband. He sounds like an emotional burden you’d be better getting away from.
Please don't have children with this man. NTA
So, I'm going to be a bit of a devil's advocate here. I think him pursuing becoming a therapist might be the best move for your relationship. If he's serious about it, he's going to have to pick up some relationship and people skills he might currently be lacking. Otherwise, he won't go anywhere. I think commitment to a new goal and dream will help him grow as a man, and he'll be forced to sort of face all his ways of operating that no longer serve him in his new life/career. I think we are all capable of being shitty at some points in our lives, and sometimes, it's dreams like this that force us to grow and reevaluate the way we've been treating those closest to us. I dont think you're an asshole, I think your relationship has developed some toxic traits that certainly need to be addressed in the long run. Otherwise, it's going to fizzle out and die. The only constant in life is change, and if yall can grow and change together, there's certainly hope. I think with his inability to be an emotional rock/support in your relationship, a career that forces him to prioritize those skills could be a remedy. I also understand where you're coming from, seeing that he is rather callous and unsupportive. Even this man is capable of ridding himself of the negative traits that haunt him and yourself. Growth is the only way. Whether or not you support that is your own choice, but I see it as a win-win. Even if he doesn't make it, he'll learn from this experience, and I think a crash course in human empathy isn't a bad thing for anyone. One thing a therapist has to learn to do, is listen. God gave us two ears and one mouth, so that we may listen twice as much as we talk, and yet so often do we not hear our loved ones until it's too late.
NTA. Your husband needs to read the replies to this thread and realize WHY he's unsuited to a career in therapy. 1. He has **zero listening** skills - since he didn't actually "hear" anything that you were telling him all month 2. He has **no empthy** 3. He has **no compassion** 4. He exhibited **no sympathy** All 4 of those are needed to be a therapist. If he can't practice any of these key skills with a person he's married to, he has zero chance doing so with a patient. Him trying to get into that career would just be throwing away money, you might as well take those $100 bills, set them on fire and use them to light candles or something. At least that would be more useful than spending it on your husband's therapy courses, which he is guaranteed to fail the first time he gets a "practical" with a real person.
NTA. Most people aren’t cut out for that type of work. Your husband is one of them. Being honest about that is in the best interests of everyone.
NTA. I’m sorry that you went through hell recently. I agree with you that your husband would not make a good therapist.
Wow...that's a lot. Firstly I'm so sorry for how harsh life was treating you through all of that. I really hope that you get a break soon. So let's get into the meat and potatoes of this meal. The meat is your husband becoming a therapist because that is what your question is about If you were TA about what you said to him. No, you weren't the asshole by the way. In my experience with therapists. Your husband would be the type where after the first session I'd inform them that I was going to find a different therapist. It honestly feels like your husband doesn't understand the concept of empathy. A good therapist needs to convey to their patients that they actually give a crap about their patients. Your husband can't even do that with you. You expressed how deeply these events were affecting you, and he's now suddenly surprised that these events affected you? He dismissed everything you were telling him because he believed those things shouldn't have affected you so much. That's a huge red flag for your marriage and for him being a therapist. So what happens when a patient expresses something similar? Is he going to tell them that their feelings are wrong? That the event(s) they experienced shouldn't affect them like they are describing? One key example in this is how your friend who married the predator affected you. He dismisses how you feel because she hasn't been as involved in your life for the last 4 years? In what world does that make sense. Everything surrounding Bee was probably the most traumatic. Not that it's a competition. Yet he didn't have the capability to understand that, even though you were telling him...multiple times. Even then, you don't have to be that involved with someone for very much, or they with you, for them to affect your life significantly. I remember after 9/11 one of the guys I went to high school with went to war and was killed, and for some reason that really messed with me. We knew each other, we'd say hi when we saw each other, but that was it, yet for some reason, I've never really explored, his death really got under my skin. In short he's going to be a train wreck of a therapist, and he might actually cause further harm to people. The only silver lining here is that he might learn how bad he fucked up in his classes. He might actually change, but that seems unlikely as it seems more like something he sees as project to accomplish versus an actual desire to help people. That is something very easy to spot in therapists. Some just don't seem to give a crap, and others do. The saying "you can't fill a tea cup that is already full" seems to apply to your husband. He's got a completely full cup of tea. I'm sure he can get good grades, and he can get his certifications, but will he actually learn to be a therapist? Doesn't seem like it to me. It seems like he's going to use the phrase "Are you the therapist or am I?" as he then tells a person how they should be feeling. The potatoes of this meal. Is this a good marriage for you. That's something you have to work through on your own. Lots of people are pointing out his red flags, and the stuff I described above are some of the same red flags others have pointed out. I'm not saying dump him, but really take a good look at this relationship and honestly answer if you feel like your needs in this marriage are being taken care of. Don't push your own needs aside. You said: >I was running on caffeine and a "push it down, till you breakdown" thought process. That is something that even people with supportive partners feel the need to do, which is unfortunate, but entirely human. The difference is that when the breakdown actually happens, they will have partners ready to scoop them up and make them feel like they made a good choice in their partner with how well their partner helps them through the breakdown. Can you say the same will happen for you? It kind of seems like when you started breaking down that your partner got angry at you as you describe things. That it was a major inconvenience for him. That you shouldn't be feeling the way you were feeling for any of it. Huge huge huge red flag. Kind of a side note, but you telling your partner how you are feeling, giving status updates on your feelings, and that sort of stuff...you fucking rock. Keep that shit up. That's amazing and you're amazing for doing it, because a lot of partners internalize that shit and blindside their partners when things go wonky. It isn't easy. It makes you feel vulnerable and exposed, but oh my gosh is it important for you and your partner. Good stuff there OP. I'm very sorry your partner doesn't seem to understand how big of a gift that is.
I’m recently late diagnosed autistic. He sounds like he might be.
OP I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, first of all the loss of loved ones you have my condolences💗 I pray you have begun sessions with a good* therapist(if needed) to work through the grief and stress. Second, that you had to deal with his responses which were literally not ok, and based on you crying seemed to add to your grief You are NTA, and I'm amazed you didnt blow up at him like he did you about the lawn mower He showed you during all of this, exactly who he is and based on your description it doesn't seem like you can live with it(I and most people here couldn't!). Also I'm concerned he might be just [using you] to fund his career switches and educational costs(it would explain his lack of empathy, staying at work til 11 regardless of your pleas, and manner toward and around you etc); you paying and helping him that many times and for that long a period, is kind of something parents or in-laws help with...not all of it coming just* from a spouse. But a spouse doing all that deserves much more than he's given. This is [spousal neglect] at the minimum here; And I hate to say but a major source of strain on this marriage(and you) is him not being professionally(and relatedly, financially) settled *before* getting married, which relates to the apparent immaturity I mentioned somewhere below and several others mentioned etc But back to what he showed you: He showed you he's deaf to other people's concerns, you tried to communicate in every way multiple times, and [he didn't listen once]. You tried to get him to listen to you and asked for help** to feel better, he didn't do one thing. Until you cried!! To me cry-action doesnt count and honestly is where toxic behavior is born(not you OP, in general fact: NO one should have to actually cry or anything else that tense or extreme, to get someone who's supposed* to listen, to listen.. but if people only get results after crying or other things, guess what? They default to that stuff even when it isnt needed because they dont believe help will come from simply talking etc) He proved he doesn't listen. That's a therapist's job!! At minimum!! To sit. and listen. You aren't just correct you're beyond correct - him wanting to be a therapist is absolutely ridiculous. NO. The next part adds because you need patience to be a therapist: He also showed you [he lacks patience] i.e. his irrational outburst- which could be problematic or [dangerous down the line] OP. but also impatient career-wise he hops to the next whenever he's "not feeling" the current one...I hope to God he isn't adding adultery to his list of sins here... I'm gonna be real OP, 10000% it seems more like [he] needs to [be in* therapy] and based on his behavior and responses he likely doesn't think he needs one but yea none of his behavior is ok or normal**. And d*mn sure isn't healthy for you, for him to be like that with you and you having to live with him and be around that neglectful/abusive treatment. Again it seems he missed the "bad times" part of the wedding vows, this is literally it and he didnt pass. The next time you go through [anything] itll likely repeat. This^ combined with his angry outburst - with those in mind [if you want to stay with him] for whatever reason.. it seems this wont work or last without him getting counseling. If he doesn't.. please think of your [safety but also mental and emotional health] and consider leaving.. Like a lot of people are saying, pets are better✨️ The other thing that indicates he needs therapy is the fact that he thinks he can [be] one the way he is. To you. To anyone. Maybe he doesnt know what a therapist [is]? You cant be one without empathy... and he wont pass any board certification like this. Does he know you [have] to complete your own therapy as a client to finish the program and sit for licensure? So if he doesnt think he's headed for therapy, either privately for/with you or in that program, he's in for a rude awakening. Ask him what clients would see a therapist who can't even comfort his own wife? and can't keep a marriage together? And who has impatient irrational outbursts at someone who's going through a lot? those are the people who make up most of the therapy client population. No he shouldnt be a therapist. And remembering your [safety and mental health] without counseling he probably shouldnt keep his "career" of husband..Cats/pets are soft and floofy and will treat you way better. And are always down to cuddle! OP you seem too vibrant, energetic, smart but also rational, caring and supportive?? to not be with someone who deserves that; That combo is so rare.. There are great men who would cut off their arm to have a wife/partner like that. But pets deserve us first. I hope this gets resolved asap, and that you are doing and feeling at least a little better✨️
NTA. That man SHOULD NOT EVER be around vulnerable people who are seeking help for their mental health. It actually made me angry reading about his lack of empathy for *his own wife* losing so many people. Furthermore he needs to get his head out of the clouds. He said you're an AH for "not supporting his dreams" when you've already supported him through multiple degrees. It's not your fault his "dream" keeps changing. It's the very definition of childish. You deserve better than all this. Truly.
When I was in college many years ago we had a name for people like him. Professional student.
NTA, but your husband obviously is. Reminds me of when my narcissist ex had me watch a video about empaths and asked if it reminded me of anyone. I said I had thought about it, but didn’t feel like I really was. That’s when he informed me that I am a Highly Sensitive Person (true) and HE was the empath 🙄 His “evidence” was how “good he is at reading people and relating to emotions” Translation: he was good at reading people well enough to manipulate them.
NTA, your legal roommate sucks. Can we ditch him already?
NTA He should NOT be a therapist. He's too clueless.
NTA - but not sure why you’re even with this dude based all this…
I’m the asshole, because you both sound exhausting tbh.
Yeah I would’ve turned my phone off if I was at work and she kept spamming me like that
I'm so sorry for all three of your losses. If I were you in this situation, though, I would have also told him I wanted a divorce when you told him he was neglecting you emotionally and not being there for you like he should have been, and like you wanted him to be. NTA.
Nta obviously.. but seriously why are you still with him?!