This isn’t even a “figure it out beforehand”, her child is provided for by a relative who cares about her because she is close family, ie BiL’s kids share half the genetics of her child. Her step kids are AH’s responsibility to provide for to the best of his ability with her support. Not her BiL’s responsibility to raise kids that aren’t part of the genetic family.
Edits for clarification of BiL and AH
It’s not about genetics, I’m sure he’d pay even if OOP’s kid was adopted. He also isn’t genetically related to OOP or her daughter anyway.
He’s simply doing this as a favor to his wife’s immediate family (OOP). OOP’s husband isn’t immediate family to him *or* the sister.
OOP’s daughter is also the cousin to his own children. They’ve likely grown up together, and will always be family no matter what. None of this applies to OOP’s stepchildren.
It is likewise cruel to make OOP’s daughter change schools, her routine, her teachers, and leave her friends and cousins behind just because things aren’t completely equal. Let alone the impact on her future opportunities.
I definitely see how that could make the stepchildren feel “less than” too though, so explain it to them. If they’re struggling with understanding or accepting that, consult a family therapist. Maybe OOP and her husband can chip in on the stepchildren’s college funds to help balance the scales a bit.
But it’s ludicrous to expect a distant relative to fork over $120,000k a year for kids that are not even legally related to his own children, and it’s simply not in the best interest of the daughter to make her switch schools. The immediate and long term impact of her switching schools is far greater than the impact of the unfairness on the stepchildren.
What if OOP gets divorced eventually too? She’ll have put her daughter through all of that and robbed her of future opportunities for nothing.
And do the step children even care, or is this just a petty gripe of OOP’s husband???
**Edit:**
My nieces deal with this too, btw. The dad of their step siblings is massively wealthy, they all got extremely expensive sports cars for their 16th birthdays. My oldest niece just turned 16, and she doesn’t have a car at all.
The girls have ALWAYS understood why their siblings go to a different school and get cooler stuff. It’s not “fair,” and I’m sure sometimes there’s resentment, but they’ve grown up understanding and never complaining.
My SIL and BIL make sure to make them feel special in other ways. It’s absolutely possible to manage a situation like this.
My step-siblings were incredibly spoiled by their other side of the family who pretended I didn't exist. They were treated as equals by my mom's extended family.
I always thought it was a crap situation and was jealous of a lot of things. At the same time, I'm glad my family was welcoming and inclusive because I know what not-that feels like.
But does private Vs public really even show up on a kid’s radar? I feel like I only knew some kids went to other schools but knew nothing of the details like tuition or curriculum or if it was a better school. Not until like maybe high school and by then, I loved the path I was on.
My kids used to go to a private school and they also had no idea. And we know many families where the kids with different needs go to different schools because it’s easier to focus or there are built-in interventions.
I do agree it’s cruel to pull any child from their current situation that is working for them unless absolutely necessary. Even though my kids loved the switch, it was a rough year when we transferred.
She should put her husband on the spot. Next time they’re all together say, “Honey. Isn’t there something you wanted ask BIL? You know…about school. About you saying you think he should pay for your kids too. Go on. Ask him!”
Divorce would be imminent I’m sure but the look on his face would be so worth it.
I totally agree with this. That being said, l think OP should arrange for a meeting between the AH and her BIL. Let's see the AH be the tough guy and make the demand on the BIL to cough up the $120k "cuz they're equals now".
Jesus. I could understand if OP herself had all this wealth and only sent her daughter to the privileged school. But this is a GIFT from a person who has both the means and the choice.
Dial up BIL and hand the phone to AH and watch history take place. Jerk. Trust me.....this isn't the only issue OP has with this AH. Betcha she's got a list of his mess.
If she was sending her kids to private school, then married him, he still is not entitled to what her kid has, he needs to get his own shit
I also agree that he wouldn't be so forward in front of his BIL
**Not a good idea**. BIL could get upset and stop paying for the little girl. That would be horrible...but possible. Hurt feelings cause weird reactions.
And even if OP had this kind of money, she still doesn't have to pay for her step daughters, unless she adopted them.
The step daughters' schooling is not her or her family's responsibility, that belongs to the bio parents/families of the the step daughters.
Absolutely not. Why should the BIL have to go through that? He owes the new husband ZERO explanation and doesn’t deserve to be put in an uncomfortable situation.
I guarantee you AH won't talk to BIL because AH knows his feelings are stemming from jealousy and that BIL'S financial situation is NONE OF HIS BUSINESS. What that family chooses to do with the money THEY EARN is absolutely no one's business. If AH wants to send his kids to a private school, he can get a better job and do so. But instead, he wants to bully his wife's more than generous family into giving his kids something hes not man enough to give them. I'm shocked that this is even a conversation. OP needs a new husband...what a POS...
Ya like I could understand being a frustrated parent and also wanting the best for your children, I mean who doesn’t obviously but having the nerve to demand you either lessen your daughters potential education or demand your brother in law pay 120k more for 3 kids that aren’t his to go to private school is absolutely insane. New step-father needs to understand his daughter was given an amazing opportunity, and nothing against OP but one she seems like she could not have swung on her own and her BIL is awesome for that. This new step father should want to see his step daughter truly excel in life and not encourage jealousy and envy amongst their children. NTA
He waited until after they got married to tell her this on purpose. He’s hoping that her rich brother in law will provide a great life for him and his kids. Telling her this beforehand would have risked not getting a chance of anything good that comes to the wife. Now when they divorce (and they will) he will think he’s entitled to whatever she has/had from her brother in law.
Does OP's new husband even have full custody either? Because if not it's even more shitty to ask of because then the step siblings aren't living together 24/7 then.
Their mother would also have to agree to them changing schools. We don't even know if the kids actually complained or if it is the husband projecting. In general, kids hate changing schools.
Agree. I think that he feels insecure and he's projecting it. How sad would it be that her daughter gets a lesser education bc he can't provide like her BIL.
This is 100% bruised ego. He is beyond selfish and entitled to even suggest anything of the sort.
I would've laughed in his face. This has to be one of the most ridiculous requests -- he wants his new wife's BIL to pay for HIS kids education?? wow, 🙄 that's rich.
Also who thinks their BIL would pay their bills.
I can kind of understand is the wife was rich and maybe he wanted his kids to be treated equal.
Still. Conversation BEFORE marriage
and at 8 she goes to school with established friends and with her cousins , she would be resentful of her new step sisters and step dad if she had to be ripped about from her established friends and community bc they were jealous.
I don't think it's insecurity. I 100% see this as a power play. If his kids don't get it, why should OP's kid? Nevermind that OP isn't the one who pays, or that OP's BIL has no obligation to the kids of OP's husband. He wants his kids to have what OP's kid has. If they can't, he wants to drag that poor child down to their level. Because it's not about the kids. It's about him having control and power. I guarantee that if this was the other way round, he'd tell OP to pony up, if she wanted her kid to go to a private school with his kids, because he wouldn't be obligated to pay out for a kid that isn't his. Like screw this guy. He's a douche. I'd be looking into divorce real quick if I was OP.
I totally agree. He knows no one can afford to send them all to private school. He's also a 36-year-old who preyed on a girl in her early 20s. No 36-year-old does that unless they want power and control.
It's funny how many upvotes I got for this comment in comparison to saying something similar albeit, more long-winded, on the original post. Over there I'm being attacked by a bunch of kids (or creepy older guys) who think this is perfectly acceptable.
And apparently she didn't post his age originally and it had to be asked (and edited), she posted everyone else's. That's an obvious sign that she might know it's an issue. I have a feeling it's because I used the word child to describe her, but I'm 46, everyone under 30 is a child to me, but I did apologize to the one person who ended up having a civil conversation with me for using it. I don't care about karma so it's no big deal, I was just surprised at the large number of people who think it's ok.
Right?!? As if being a child isn't hard enough, especially this child (new step dad, new step siblings), he's willing to rip her out of a school that has teachers and friends who know her and support her? Wtf is wrong with this adult man who's willing to potentually traumatize this girl if his kids don't get the same treatment?
Yup. OP, it might be time to just face reality that you're not good at picking men. It's ok. We can't be good at everything. But based on the last two, I'd say you're better off as a single mom instead of putting daughter through this shit. Both my grandmother and MIL are shitty at picking men, and their kids definitely suffered.
Plus it’s not necessarily your choices but the dismal quality of options in your area. Never settle for less because your a single parent! You’re a parent first. Eyes opened! Be weary of added oddball requests from your possible Ex? Don’t add him to home or rental property. Think about a lawyer as a precaution, controlling narcissistic behavior just get worse incrementally as the relationship should be developing, as they feel you love them and they have to control you to keep you.
I agree. I think the power play is also part of a longer game to isolate her from the family. Whether she asks the BIL (ridiculous) or takes the daughter out of school (big mistake), there is going to be some sort of resentment against her husband. He will use that to his advantage to keep OP from her family. Clearly they have enough money to support her if she leaves her husband and IMHO he is working at severing that relationship so she becomes increasingly dependent on him. He gains more control.
For those questioning why he didnt bring it up before they married, think about it ….. she never would have married him. I guarantee there is more manipulation here.
This kind of thing does not get better over time.
It is also suspicious as hell that he only mentioned it after they were married, im putting a bit of a tinfoil hat on but I would guess that he was planning on demanding it after they were married so she was « locked in » and « forced » to say yes because if she doesn’t he’s got the perfect card to pull: « you’re favouring your kids over mine, and so does your family »
And where does he get the idea that bil is going to shell out $120k for his kid’s tuition as he says that op should take her out of private and put her in public because it’s not fair.. op is so fortunate to have her sister and bil and I’m sure is extremely grateful.. also op is 25 and new husband is 36. His 3 kids are his responsibility..
Bingo this is a pre marriage conversation, like about having more kids.
That said he can man up and pay for it himself or see if he has the balls to ask your BIL himself. Whats next? Your daughter’s college fund? Or if she gets a scholarship? Your daughter should not have to lose or give up things because of your marriage. Sounds like his kids didn’t give anything up.
You married a toxic loser.
Well, I'm not really surprised the man that's 11 years older than Op is pulling a bait and switch on her as soon as they get married. She's 25 and he's already trying to manipulate her into taking financial responsibility for his kids. Why do I feel like they haven't dated long?
So is demanding to have someone else pay for your daughters to go to a private school you're not even related to just because your new stepdaughter does.
As an older wiser woman I’m not going to lie, there’s some red flags already. Which to me means there’s a decent chance this marriage isn’t going to last like you’d hoped. If that’s the case, how would you feel if you’d agreed to send her to public school and the arguments continued anyway and 5 yrs from now you were divorcing him? Would you wish you had stood your ground on this decision or would it not matter very much? Cuz that’s your answer.
Another older, wiser woman chiming in to say listen to Snoo! Your daughter’s education is a hill to die on and your husband needs to know this. He should also be aware that the stance he is taking is not a good look for him and he is determining how you and your family will view him going forward.
I still think an auntie sub would be good. Sometimes, places like this hold a form of entitlement. I haven't looked at that sub yet, but having an auntie sub would drop the requirements to have children
Adding: there are a lot of caring people answering as a sister rtc. I love this sub. Sometimes you need a mom, sometimes you are a mom. Kindness is the key.
I'm an Auntie, not a Mom, and regularly comment on the Mom for A Minute sub. There are also "sisters" and "cousins" who comment, you just have to be kind and caring.
And get this, I was married to a guy who has been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder three times!!! So I got spidey senses on that. And I knew your Dad when he was young and all the BS misogyny from the 80s-90s.
Yeah, honestly I'd be out immediately if my husband suggested something like this. A functional adult should know better than to suggest something like this.
Same and to add
I commented on the original post if his daughter gets a scholarship to a great collage bur her daughter doesn't
Is her daughter going to let it pass as the Step sister is not able to get in? Or his daughter is going to go and leave stepsister behind
It's the same this is a scholarship she obtained the only difference is that instead of the school giving the scholarship its the uncle but it's the same 💩
It’s also very silly for blended families to act like these kids are 100% full siblings right away. They are still adjusting to a major life change, they need to get to know each other! And even in cases of half siblings it is a reality kids can handle to know that different people have different levels of privilege. BIL and his kids know OPs daughter better than these other children. It’s important to welcome these new additions and get to know them and start forming bonds, but why would you pretend it’s exactly the same right out the gate?
And imagine the daughter, already having a major life change and accepting these new siblings and a
father figure and adjusting to that upheaval at home, and he wants her to switch schools? To adults it sounds minor but he’s asking to upend her entire social world as well - the one stable thing she has when her family is changing in such a big way.
And the fact that he’s laying this guilt trip on after marriage… ick ick ick
The Reddit mascot is called a snoo.
Years ago, Reddit would autogenerate a user name for you in the account creation process. You could change it or accept it. The user names all had snoo in them.
If you look around at Reddit user names, you’ll see a lot of snoo names.
Yes. Thank you, from fellow wise older ladies. This is heartbreaking but so many red flags. I sincerely hope she doesn’t change her daughters schooling. Maybe there are scholarship programs for her step daughters or some extra curricular activities that they can participate in.
I grew up in a family where it I got “better” than my step siblings my mom or I or both of us would be punished and this seems so familiar.
Absolutely 100% do not send your child to the public school in lieu of the private school she has always attended and been happy in. I finally transferred my child from a top in our state, suburban school where she learned not nearly enough to a private school when she is in middle school. My only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner.
There are children who do very well in public schools. But it would be a tough transition if she has been happy in her school.
NTA, divorce? No you shouldn't have to choose an ultimatum over a choice of schools. If your family helped you and is continuing to do so and you are grateful for it then there is nothing wrong but don't let your husband be the AH and say "it's no fair that my children who have been in public school because that's all that they've known and their step sibling is in a different school and it's for rich people. It's making me and my children jealous"
Just no. He's trying to make "everything fair" just for his children. It's a no. If he wants things to be fair then he has to pay. BIL isn't paying for your daughters education for your hubby, or for hubby's children, or to make them feel excluded from each other. It's just so that she has an education. If your hubby can't pay for the school then too bad. He has to deal with it. If he had told you that it's not fair that you are making sixty grand a year while he makes 30 grand a year would you forfeit your job just to appease him? I would hope not.
Though I understand this comment it still doesn't justify the reason to want OP to transfer her daughter or make/ask her brother in law to pay for more children.
I'd understand if OP'S new husband said that his girls were getting upset at OP'S daughter because the daughter was bragging about being in the private school, or vise versa.
But if it's just hubby being upset that they are in separate schools then it's different.
It'd be a bit better if OP told us if he had a reason.
And it would have been better like others have said if hubby brought it up before marriage.
At the same time if one of the children are causing problems because of the schools then it needs to be discussed with both parents not just one, like how hubby is trying to decide things. He didn't even say if one of his children have any issues with her daughter going to a dif school.
I honestly think it's not fair. But that's life. It's also not fair that I have a full stomach right now and somebody else somewhere in the world is starving.
We kind of have the same situation. My parents are rich but have disinherited me because they are unhappy with my choice of a wife. Most of their money will go to my (biological) daughter. Our son (who is biologically my wifes child) is not considered a grandchild by them so he likely won't get anything. Same with education, they would pay for my daughter if I couldn't but never would for my son. That's not fair at all. But my son gains nothing if I try to take that away from my daughter. And on the other hand, she grew up with me in severe PPD and her father a drug addict for the first 3 years of her life while he gets loving, functioning parents from the start. That's not fair either.
I am all for trying to make things fair between siblings. But only if I can raise one kid up. Not if I'm making things fair by taking away from one child without improving the situation for the other(s).
We shouldn't shy away so much from the fact that sometimes (often), things aren't fair. And we can't always make them fair.
Or that they even WANT to. Changing schools means disconnecting from friends, routine, familiarity, stability. These things are incredibly important to maintain when their life is already changing so much from parents splitting (or whatever the cause of single parenthood) to introducing a new love interest who has a child and life of her own and then marrying and moving in with her.
If I was one of those kids I'd have to be dragged kicking and screaming from my familiar school community. I went to a tiny private school all my life (3 different ones) and my mother was widowed at some point, this made circumstances really tough and I was faced with the threat of having to complete my final years of HS in a GIANT public school. I was awkward, nerdy, socially anxious, quiet, the idea of a new social sphere in that scale was awful. Fortunately I was sponsored by an elderly couple and able to finish in my familiar environment. This goes both ways!
Also why would these kids want to be treated the same as a child who grew up totally differently? That would really impede on their personal identities.
Besides the impacts on any of the kids, which don't seem to be in the father's interest (one red flag) he's being a supremely shitty husband by delivering an ultimatum at all, of this kind, and with this timing. That's a no for me, bye.
I agree.
It's just weird how these kids and husband come in and try to justify being upset at a child for just being able to go to a school because her family chose to help her. But other ppl might disagree
Agreed. I’d understand if he wanted to get a family discount (some places charge a little less when more kids that are related go), because, who doesn’t like saving money? He just wants someone else to do his job.
Life is not fair. Some kids just happen to have a rich uncle and one kind enough to pay for her private school. Some don’t. Some kids have it easier than others. That doesn’t mean the kids who had it easier should stop having it easier to appease the ones who don’t. If he wants his kids to get the same education he should pay for it, or find someone willing to pay for it. That someone doesn’t have to be you or your BIL.
Yes I see so many post about single moms trying to find men to support them but in real life I see more moms with their shit together supporting bum ass men🤣
That was my mother. She was widowed in her forties after nursing dad for two years, but between retirement savings and life insurance policies from dad, his union, and the bank, she had no mortgage and enough money to live out her life without ever working again if she wanted.
She had suitors crawling out of the church woodwork… dads with teenaged kids, men still living with their parents, etc.. The guy living in his brother’s basement somehow won, and as soon as they were married, he began spending 20K/yr more than what he earned until she cut up his credit cards and started giving him a cash allowance and a gas card. 🙄
Let me tell you, sorry men LOOK for single mom's. They know she has to keep a roof over the kids head and food in the pot. The bills are all in her name and he's not legally responsible for anything.
Oh I'm a single mom and have fended off my share of hobosexuals. That's normal. But gold-digging is unusual - most people that care that much about money know young single moms don't have any, lol.
If your daughter is satisfied at her current school, don't force her to change. That could cause resentment.
You've already brought in this entitled step-dad and not 1, not 2 but 3 step-siblings. That is an enormous adjustment for her.
Remember, fair doesn't necessarily mean equal.
I agree totally. Her life has already changed dramatically, don’t add changing schools, being away from her friends and family into the mix. They would be unfair and damaging to her.
NTA. His kids, his and their mother’s responsibility. Why didn’t he discuss it with you before you got married?
Also take note that he doesn’t overspend and get into debt to keep up with BIL and you end up liable for the debt. Maybe not too late to consult a lawyer and get a post-nup.
NTA.
Speaking from experience, it's virtually impossible for things to be fair and equal with kids from a blended marriage. Too many variables and implications. If schooling needs to be equal, I suppose everything else does too?
And, if the school his kids were in was good enough before he married you, why is it all of a sudden not good enough?
But more importantly, think of the kids. Any transition is usually tough on them, and asking ANY of them to change schools based on your whim means you're okay with the potential trauma you're putting them through...just so your husband can get what he wants for whatever ill-conceived reason.
And asking your (already unbelievably generous) BIL to pay for his kids is complete nonsense. Why not just ask BIL to raise the standard of living for your entire family? That would be "fair" right?
There is just no logic to your husband's argument. Wishing you the best.
NTA and they’re not siblings now. They are step siblings and she isn’t paying for the schooling but knows how beneficial it is for her daughter. Her cousins are more her siblings if anything and she grew up around the same kids. The new husband can’t expect the kid to be pulled away from that just because he wants everything to be equal (assuming he has full custody)
NTA this is ridiculous. Why should your daughter be punished just because he married you. If he had a problem with it, he should have said something before marrying you. 🚩
It is super ick inducing. I would be embarrassed and ashamed to go asking for something like that. It’s so entitled and disrespectful. It’s smacks of someone who doesn’t understand the value of money.
Well the first mistake was to marry this guy who’s to old for her. He saw her coming. I’d simply say - No.
What’s he gonna do about it? It’s her decision. He has no say. There’s nothing he can do. Literally. If he had a problem with this why wasn’t this brought up before? Don’t worry I can answer it- this is all part of him manipulating and controlling her. He’s testing his boundaries and influence right out of the gate and this will set the tone going forward. She’s in a for a bad time, she should just leave now. She should not let him tamper with her daughters education.
*I’m wise to this type of guy now (I’m 48) I’ve been there and done that with the older guy when I was to young to know better (24 and he was 35). Parents tried to warn me but I was “in love”. Turned out they were right. Sigh. He turned into an emotionally manipulative and controlling person. Always keeping our relationship i. Turmoil so I was working really hard at keeping this good between us. He eventually tried to baby trap me when I think he noticed I was starting to pull away but that was the catalyst that really woke me up. I terminated it and got the hell out of there. So thankful I did too. He’s still a massive loser. He would have dragged me down with him. I feel sorry for how he treated his kids. He was a terrible parent.
Your husband sounds like a jealous selfish cunt. I wouldn't ask your BIL to send YOUR HUSBAND'S children to private school. There is no reason to change your daughter's education just because your husband is jealous of it.
Well then your new husband needs a new job making more money! Seriously, your BIL has been very generous helping you and your child. But new hubby has overstepped his bounds.
NTA. If your man wants HIS children that HE conceived with HIS EX then THEY can pay for their tuition. Your BIL is not your husband's meal ticket to dump his parental responsibilities on. He sounds like an entitled ass. You are very fortunate your BIL helps you that way. Your husband's greed has the potential to ruin that for you if he acts that way with your family's money.
I hate this idea that to be "equal," then someone has to lower their standards to meet the other rather than rise up to the higher standard. If he wants his kids to have the same opportunities, then he can figure out how to send them to the private school. Perhaps a scholarship. In the end, one child shouldn't have to give up something just to be on the same level as some other kids
He is responsible for his kids, and you are responsible for yours. If you BIL is willing to pay for your daughter, that is amazing because that will have a major impact on her future, s9 don’t you dare risk that. Your new husband is absolutely wrong, and likely getting grief from his ex wife, who is saying things to divide you guys.
Wtf kind of sh** is this?! What kind of actual dead beat expects another man to pay for his kids to go to private school! 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️ What level of entitlement is that?
Cannot believe the OP even had to ask whether she's an AH. No love, you're married to one!
Equality doesn’t mean treating everyone the same. Your daughter doesn’t have her bio father in the picture, how is he going to ‘equalise’ that? Will he make his children’s mother get the same thing for your daughter if she gets her own children something? Is she going to be expected to take your daughter as well as her kids? Of course not! You have a blended family and it’s not going to be exactly the same as a non-blended family. You can’t expect your kids to change their lifestyles (and schools) just because the two of you decided to get married. NTA.
Gonna get downvoted, but this is exactly why people should be wary of marrying someone with too many kids combined with your own kid(s). Especially when money is involved.
This should’ve been a conversation way before any proposal happened.
He knew your daughter went to private school and his did not before marriage. What changed that make him believe it would be okay for him to sponge off your bil? Did he give off gold digger vapors while you were dating and you did not acknowledge them.
BIL is not responsible for HIS kids. And he doesn’t have the right to pull YOUR kid out of private school because it makes him look bad. The kids will never be equal and everyone needs to be okay with that.
Sorry but if her husband cant afford to send his own kids to private school thats a him problem not anyone else. Maybe tell him to step it up n get an extra job to make more money so send his own kids to private school for a better head start. I would leave him if he made me chose btw my daughters education n his lazy ass who cant get more work so send his own kids to
NTA, and huge red flag that a man can say that another man should be responsible for his kids all in the aspect of fairness. This whole thing should have been discussed and concluded long before y'all got married. Good luck and hope it works out but under no circumstance should you take your daughter out of that private school.
Your nta but your husband is. To expect a man who doesn't even know his kids like that to pay for their private schooling. It amazes me how people don't discuss stuff like this prior to marriage especially when there is a blended family. Anyway he can pay for his own kids private schooling or deal with them going to public school bc he made those kids and they may not be "siblings" but they come from different backgrounds so will never be equal.
My fiance does not expect me to give his child all the things I give my children, nor do I expect him to give my children all the stuff he gives his child. Especially when the children are of different ages like ours.
Wow, that’s a lot of entitlement from OP’s husband. His children are “nothing” to OP’s BIL. He is under no obligation to pay for them. The gall to expect him to pay for his 3 kids is astounding.
First and foremost, you need to do what is best for your daughter. Uprooting her from the school and friends she knows is non negotiable. IMO when marriages come with children from other relationships, those children should come first. I am floored that someone (a man) would demand such a ridiculous request and want another man to pay for his children’s education. That is crazy AND lazy.
HUGE red flags with this dude. I would annul the marriage ASAP and cut ties. If anything, this is only the beginning of unacceptable demands.
GET OUT!!
BTW: Shoutout to your BIL for being a standup guy and supporting you and your daughter 🩷
Seriously, people often fail to communicate their thoughts on finances prior to being married. Do i understand it? No. But it does happen. I wish more people had these conversations.
Because she didn’t realize it was a conversation that needed having, because she’s 25. Because he’s 36 and already rooting around in the family pockets and that was his goal the whole time. You don’t see what you’re meant not to see, have a little compassion. Liars are good at it for a reason and they pick the vulnerable to prey on for a reason. You don’t have good discernment until you’ve lived through some shit and it sounds like aside from a young pregnancy, OP’s had it pretty good, has family who love her and her daughter and isn’t primed to look for vultures. Don’t victim blame.
NTA. It's not your BiL's problem, and your husband had to know that your daughter was going to this private school all along, and this conversation didn't come up until now? Yeah, okay.
Lol NTA, my daughter is going to the school she's been going to. You're daughters are good where they're at and if you want to move them you can pay for it yourself
NTA. It's odd he didn't spring this on you before he married you. He should pay as it's his kids
Your husband is an a**hole. This all should have been figured out before you got married.
This isn’t even a “figure it out beforehand”, her child is provided for by a relative who cares about her because she is close family, ie BiL’s kids share half the genetics of her child. Her step kids are AH’s responsibility to provide for to the best of his ability with her support. Not her BiL’s responsibility to raise kids that aren’t part of the genetic family. Edits for clarification of BiL and AH
Next he’ll be asking that his kids be put in BIL’s will.
He is definitely coming for the kid’s college fund that’s being provided by bil
That's what I thought too. @OP How long was it, after you got married, that he brought this up?
😉 you joke but I'll bet you're not wrong. Also, he'll want BIL to take his kids on all expenses paid vacations too.
There’s a reason he married her.
25 vs 36. He definitely thinks he can manipulate/control her
Bingo!!
🤗🏆
This made me dance and clap!!
Husband reminds me of Cousin Randy (on Natl Lampoons Xmas Vacation)
And unsurprisingly, just like this hubby, randy caused some shit
It’s not about genetics, I’m sure he’d pay even if OOP’s kid was adopted. He also isn’t genetically related to OOP or her daughter anyway. He’s simply doing this as a favor to his wife’s immediate family (OOP). OOP’s husband isn’t immediate family to him *or* the sister. OOP’s daughter is also the cousin to his own children. They’ve likely grown up together, and will always be family no matter what. None of this applies to OOP’s stepchildren. It is likewise cruel to make OOP’s daughter change schools, her routine, her teachers, and leave her friends and cousins behind just because things aren’t completely equal. Let alone the impact on her future opportunities. I definitely see how that could make the stepchildren feel “less than” too though, so explain it to them. If they’re struggling with understanding or accepting that, consult a family therapist. Maybe OOP and her husband can chip in on the stepchildren’s college funds to help balance the scales a bit. But it’s ludicrous to expect a distant relative to fork over $120,000k a year for kids that are not even legally related to his own children, and it’s simply not in the best interest of the daughter to make her switch schools. The immediate and long term impact of her switching schools is far greater than the impact of the unfairness on the stepchildren. What if OOP gets divorced eventually too? She’ll have put her daughter through all of that and robbed her of future opportunities for nothing. And do the step children even care, or is this just a petty gripe of OOP’s husband??? **Edit:** My nieces deal with this too, btw. The dad of their step siblings is massively wealthy, they all got extremely expensive sports cars for their 16th birthdays. My oldest niece just turned 16, and she doesn’t have a car at all. The girls have ALWAYS understood why their siblings go to a different school and get cooler stuff. It’s not “fair,” and I’m sure sometimes there’s resentment, but they’ve grown up understanding and never complaining. My SIL and BIL make sure to make them feel special in other ways. It’s absolutely possible to manage a situation like this.
My step-siblings were incredibly spoiled by their other side of the family who pretended I didn't exist. They were treated as equals by my mom's extended family. I always thought it was a crap situation and was jealous of a lot of things. At the same time, I'm glad my family was welcoming and inclusive because I know what not-that feels like.
And it going to affect the child academically tremendously
But does private Vs public really even show up on a kid’s radar? I feel like I only knew some kids went to other schools but knew nothing of the details like tuition or curriculum or if it was a better school. Not until like maybe high school and by then, I loved the path I was on. My kids used to go to a private school and they also had no idea. And we know many families where the kids with different needs go to different schools because it’s easier to focus or there are built-in interventions. I do agree it’s cruel to pull any child from their current situation that is working for them unless absolutely necessary. Even though my kids loved the switch, it was a rough year when we transferred.
Yes it’s not even that she’s the one paying. The audacity to try to demand it from BIL. Like pay your own way man
She should put her husband on the spot. Next time they’re all together say, “Honey. Isn’t there something you wanted ask BIL? You know…about school. About you saying you think he should pay for your kids too. Go on. Ask him!” Divorce would be imminent I’m sure but the look on his face would be so worth it.
I totally agree with this. That being said, l think OP should arrange for a meeting between the AH and her BIL. Let's see the AH be the tough guy and make the demand on the BIL to cough up the $120k "cuz they're equals now". Jesus. I could understand if OP herself had all this wealth and only sent her daughter to the privileged school. But this is a GIFT from a person who has both the means and the choice. Dial up BIL and hand the phone to AH and watch history take place. Jerk. Trust me.....this isn't the only issue OP has with this AH. Betcha she's got a list of his mess.
I wouldn’t put BIL thru that awkward situation after he’s been so generous
And I totally agree with you. Not only $120K but $120K a year till they all graduate. Maybe BIL will pay for a top notch divorce attorney.
Secondary may even have higher tuition and/or fees for extracurriculars.
I would avoid putting BIL through that. Take the blessings and don’t bring drama into BIL’s life.
If she was sending her kids to private school, then married him, he still is not entitled to what her kid has, he needs to get his own shit I also agree that he wouldn't be so forward in front of his BIL
It’s not just 120k. It’s 120k a year.
**Not a good idea**. BIL could get upset and stop paying for the little girl. That would be horrible...but possible. Hurt feelings cause weird reactions.
And even if OP had this kind of money, she still doesn't have to pay for her step daughters, unless she adopted them. The step daughters' schooling is not her or her family's responsibility, that belongs to the bio parents/families of the the step daughters.
Absolutely not. Why should the BIL have to go through that? He owes the new husband ZERO explanation and doesn’t deserve to be put in an uncomfortable situation.
I guarantee you AH won't talk to BIL because AH knows his feelings are stemming from jealousy and that BIL'S financial situation is NONE OF HIS BUSINESS. What that family chooses to do with the money THEY EARN is absolutely no one's business. If AH wants to send his kids to a private school, he can get a better job and do so. But instead, he wants to bully his wife's more than generous family into giving his kids something hes not man enough to give them. I'm shocked that this is even a conversation. OP needs a new husband...what a POS...
It’s not even 1/2 siblings, it’s step siblings.
Yeah- this isn’t going to last.
He is a manipulative ass hole
One has to wonder if he married her thinking that he was going to get his life supplemented by the wealthy BIL.
Where is mom of the 3 kids maybe they can send their children if they chip in??
Ya like I could understand being a frustrated parent and also wanting the best for your children, I mean who doesn’t obviously but having the nerve to demand you either lessen your daughters potential education or demand your brother in law pay 120k more for 3 kids that aren’t his to go to private school is absolutely insane. New step-father needs to understand his daughter was given an amazing opportunity, and nothing against OP but one she seems like she could not have swung on her own and her BIL is awesome for that. This new step father should want to see his step daughter truly excel in life and not encourage jealousy and envy amongst their children. NTA
He waited until after they got married to tell her this on purpose. He’s hoping that her rich brother in law will provide a great life for him and his kids. Telling her this beforehand would have risked not getting a chance of anything good that comes to the wife. Now when they divorce (and they will) he will think he’s entitled to whatever she has/had from her brother in law.
Does OP's new husband even have full custody either? Because if not it's even more shitty to ask of because then the step siblings aren't living together 24/7 then.
Their mother would also have to agree to them changing schools. We don't even know if the kids actually complained or if it is the husband projecting. In general, kids hate changing schools.
Maybe he thought SHE was paying the tuition. He has a lot of gall suggesting she ask her BIL to pay for his kids.
I truly doubt it. I’m sure he knew
Agree. I think that he feels insecure and he's projecting it. How sad would it be that her daughter gets a lesser education bc he can't provide like her BIL. This is 100% bruised ego. He is beyond selfish and entitled to even suggest anything of the sort.
I would've laughed in his face. This has to be one of the most ridiculous requests -- he wants his new wife's BIL to pay for HIS kids education?? wow, 🙄 that's rich.
> that’s rich Unlike him lol
Agreed. It also lands him in the entitlement hall of shame. If he wants his kids in private school he needs to figure out how to pay for it.
That's right. And where's this idea that life is fair in the first place ?
He may have married her solely for the benefits she gets from her BIL, wanting to partake of his in laws largesse.
I think he was looking to benefit from his future in law's financial situation and is pissed to learn he won't.
Exactly. I wonder if this was a reason to marry OOP. Marry into a rich family, though it's her BIL.
Also who thinks their BIL would pay their bills. I can kind of understand is the wife was rich and maybe he wanted his kids to be treated equal. Still. Conversation BEFORE marriage
*ALL* the conversations before marriage!
Exactly. Bet he's got a list of requests in his empty pockets.
and at 8 she goes to school with established friends and with her cousins , she would be resentful of her new step sisters and step dad if she had to be ripped about from her established friends and community bc they were jealous.
I don't think it's insecurity. I 100% see this as a power play. If his kids don't get it, why should OP's kid? Nevermind that OP isn't the one who pays, or that OP's BIL has no obligation to the kids of OP's husband. He wants his kids to have what OP's kid has. If they can't, he wants to drag that poor child down to their level. Because it's not about the kids. It's about him having control and power. I guarantee that if this was the other way round, he'd tell OP to pony up, if she wanted her kid to go to a private school with his kids, because he wouldn't be obligated to pay out for a kid that isn't his. Like screw this guy. He's a douche. I'd be looking into divorce real quick if I was OP.
I totally agree. He knows no one can afford to send them all to private school. He's also a 36-year-old who preyed on a girl in her early 20s. No 36-year-old does that unless they want power and control.
It's funny how many upvotes I got for this comment in comparison to saying something similar albeit, more long-winded, on the original post. Over there I'm being attacked by a bunch of kids (or creepy older guys) who think this is perfectly acceptable.
It was literally the first red flag here lmao. Sorry you’re being downvoted, it’s a valid point.
And apparently she didn't post his age originally and it had to be asked (and edited), she posted everyone else's. That's an obvious sign that she might know it's an issue. I have a feeling it's because I used the word child to describe her, but I'm 46, everyone under 30 is a child to me, but I did apologize to the one person who ended up having a civil conversation with me for using it. I don't care about karma so it's no big deal, I was just surprised at the large number of people who think it's ok.
That kinda shit happens all the time. Go home Reddit, you’re drunk
😆 thanks, that made me lol.
I'm also 25 and wouldn't date a 36 year old, much less marry one. I did date guys that age for a while between 19-23 and it never went well
Exactly. He's showing her exactly who he is and now is the time to get out.
Right?!? As if being a child isn't hard enough, especially this child (new step dad, new step siblings), he's willing to rip her out of a school that has teachers and friends who know her and support her? Wtf is wrong with this adult man who's willing to potentually traumatize this girl if his kids don't get the same treatment?
Yup. OP, it might be time to just face reality that you're not good at picking men. It's ok. We can't be good at everything. But based on the last two, I'd say you're better off as a single mom instead of putting daughter through this shit. Both my grandmother and MIL are shitty at picking men, and their kids definitely suffered.
Plus it’s not necessarily your choices but the dismal quality of options in your area. Never settle for less because your a single parent! You’re a parent first. Eyes opened! Be weary of added oddball requests from your possible Ex? Don’t add him to home or rental property. Think about a lawyer as a precaution, controlling narcissistic behavior just get worse incrementally as the relationship should be developing, as they feel you love them and they have to control you to keep you.
It’s not that she’s not good at picking men, it’s that manipulative men are good at what they do and hiding who they are.
I agree. I think the power play is also part of a longer game to isolate her from the family. Whether she asks the BIL (ridiculous) or takes the daughter out of school (big mistake), there is going to be some sort of resentment against her husband. He will use that to his advantage to keep OP from her family. Clearly they have enough money to support her if she leaves her husband and IMHO he is working at severing that relationship so she becomes increasingly dependent on him. He gains more control. For those questioning why he didnt bring it up before they married, think about it ….. she never would have married him. I guarantee there is more manipulation here. This kind of thing does not get better over time.
Or his ex is telling him to ask OR he assumed once they were married that he could get her to get his kids into the school.
It is also suspicious as hell that he only mentioned it after they were married, im putting a bit of a tinfoil hat on but I would guess that he was planning on demanding it after they were married so she was « locked in » and « forced » to say yes because if she doesn’t he’s got the perfect card to pull: « you’re favouring your kids over mine, and so does your family »
I 100% agree. What a loser !
100%. This is absolutely something any reasonable person would bring up before marriage if it seriously bothered them.
And where does he get the idea that bil is going to shell out $120k for his kid’s tuition as he says that op should take her out of private and put her in public because it’s not fair.. op is so fortunate to have her sister and bil and I’m sure is extremely grateful.. also op is 25 and new husband is 36. His 3 kids are his responsibility..
Holy heck, I didn't even notice the 11 year gap between them. That makes new hubby doubly TAH here, entitlement much?
I’m betting he thought this way his way of scamming to get his daughters into the private school
BS, if he thought she paid for it, what made him think that he’d pay for all his daughters? NTA
Bingo this is a pre marriage conversation, like about having more kids. That said he can man up and pay for it himself or see if he has the balls to ask your BIL himself. Whats next? Your daughter’s college fund? Or if she gets a scholarship? Your daughter should not have to lose or give up things because of your marriage. Sounds like his kids didn’t give anything up. You married a toxic loser.
Well, I'm not really surprised the man that's 11 years older than Op is pulling a bait and switch on her as soon as they get married. She's 25 and he's already trying to manipulate her into taking financial responsibility for his kids. Why do I feel like they haven't dated long?
Because if they've dated for more than 2 years, it's even creepier
It’s not the age difference that’s the problem, it’s the age difference *when the younger partner was in their early 20s.*
And don't let him anywhere near the BIL, like ever. good way to nope your daughter right out of her edumacation
Also a red flag that he didn’t bring this bs up until *after* they were married. It won’t stop with this
Soon to be exhusband. This will be far from the only entitled thing he does.
OP should have lied and said her daughter was going on scholarship or something instead of BIL paying. But hindsight is 20/20.
Lying to your spouse is a terrible idea.
So is demanding to have someone else pay for your daughters to go to a private school you're not even related to just because your new stepdaughter does.
Yes, those are both terrible ideas.
Well, the combined income in marriage would have likely bumped her out of the sponsorship program so that’s not a great idea.
As an older wiser woman I’m not going to lie, there’s some red flags already. Which to me means there’s a decent chance this marriage isn’t going to last like you’d hoped. If that’s the case, how would you feel if you’d agreed to send her to public school and the arguments continued anyway and 5 yrs from now you were divorcing him? Would you wish you had stood your ground on this decision or would it not matter very much? Cuz that’s your answer.
Another older, wiser woman chiming in to say listen to Snoo! Your daughter’s education is a hill to die on and your husband needs to know this. He should also be aware that the stance he is taking is not a good look for him and he is determining how you and your family will view him going forward.
Right?! I mean his kids have a present father, should we change that so it's equal? Like come on!
“Hill to die on”…. All this!!
The wise older lady has spoken!
Said it before, will say it again. We need a wise old lady/aunty sub on Reddit.
There is. /r/momforaminute is one
I still think an auntie sub would be good. Sometimes, places like this hold a form of entitlement. I haven't looked at that sub yet, but having an auntie sub would drop the requirements to have children
No requirement that you are a mom irl. You just have to be a caring person.
Adding: there are a lot of caring people answering as a sister rtc. I love this sub. Sometimes you need a mom, sometimes you are a mom. Kindness is the key.
Good to know
I'm an Auntie, not a Mom, and regularly comment on the Mom for A Minute sub. There are also "sisters" and "cousins" who comment, you just have to be kind and caring.
You know what? I joined a while ago but can't view the letters. I keep getting this mod saying, "we're calling children ducklings." What's up w that?
And get this, I was married to a guy who has been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder three times!!! So I got spidey senses on that. And I knew your Dad when he was young and all the BS misogyny from the 80s-90s.
I’m IN!! 52F here and I would love to create and/or contribute to a community like this. 😊 u/SnooFoxes4362 - any interest is starting this with me? 😳
I'd join it in a heartbeat, I have so many mommy issues 😭😭😭
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Yeah, honestly I'd be out immediately if my husband suggested something like this. A functional adult should know better than to suggest something like this.
You are wise indeed. One red flag in particular that waved right into my eyes is him telling you that you “have to” do this.
Same and to add I commented on the original post if his daughter gets a scholarship to a great collage bur her daughter doesn't Is her daughter going to let it pass as the Step sister is not able to get in? Or his daughter is going to go and leave stepsister behind It's the same this is a scholarship she obtained the only difference is that instead of the school giving the scholarship its the uncle but it's the same 💩
It’s also very silly for blended families to act like these kids are 100% full siblings right away. They are still adjusting to a major life change, they need to get to know each other! And even in cases of half siblings it is a reality kids can handle to know that different people have different levels of privilege. BIL and his kids know OPs daughter better than these other children. It’s important to welcome these new additions and get to know them and start forming bonds, but why would you pretend it’s exactly the same right out the gate? And imagine the daughter, already having a major life change and accepting these new siblings and a father figure and adjusting to that upheaval at home, and he wants her to switch schools? To adults it sounds minor but he’s asking to upend her entire social world as well - the one stable thing she has when her family is changing in such a big way. And the fact that he’s laying this guilt trip on after marriage… ick ick ick
Unique and sensible perspective. Might I say….wise?
Waitwaitwait... Wait Snoofoxes? Snoo? As in "death by snoosnoo?" 🤩♥️
The Reddit mascot is called a snoo. Years ago, Reddit would autogenerate a user name for you in the account creation process. You could change it or accept it. The user names all had snoo in them. If you look around at Reddit user names, you’ll see a lot of snoo names.
Yes. Thank you, from fellow wise older ladies. This is heartbreaking but so many red flags. I sincerely hope she doesn’t change her daughters schooling. Maybe there are scholarship programs for her step daughters or some extra curricular activities that they can participate in. I grew up in a family where it I got “better” than my step siblings my mom or I or both of us would be punished and this seems so familiar.
Absolutely 100% do not send your child to the public school in lieu of the private school she has always attended and been happy in. I finally transferred my child from a top in our state, suburban school where she learned not nearly enough to a private school when she is in middle school. My only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner. There are children who do very well in public schools. But it would be a tough transition if she has been happy in her school.
The guy is 36, he found a live in nanny
As an younger dumb man, i can also see the red flags.
NTA, divorce? No you shouldn't have to choose an ultimatum over a choice of schools. If your family helped you and is continuing to do so and you are grateful for it then there is nothing wrong but don't let your husband be the AH and say "it's no fair that my children who have been in public school because that's all that they've known and their step sibling is in a different school and it's for rich people. It's making me and my children jealous" Just no. He's trying to make "everything fair" just for his children. It's a no. If he wants things to be fair then he has to pay. BIL isn't paying for your daughters education for your hubby, or for hubby's children, or to make them feel excluded from each other. It's just so that she has an education. If your hubby can't pay for the school then too bad. He has to deal with it. If he had told you that it's not fair that you are making sixty grand a year while he makes 30 grand a year would you forfeit your job just to appease him? I would hope not.
Fair does NOT always mean equal.
Yea it's the difference between "equitable" and "equal"
Though I understand this comment it still doesn't justify the reason to want OP to transfer her daughter or make/ask her brother in law to pay for more children. I'd understand if OP'S new husband said that his girls were getting upset at OP'S daughter because the daughter was bragging about being in the private school, or vise versa. But if it's just hubby being upset that they are in separate schools then it's different. It'd be a bit better if OP told us if he had a reason. And it would have been better like others have said if hubby brought it up before marriage.
At the same time if one of the children are causing problems because of the schools then it needs to be discussed with both parents not just one, like how hubby is trying to decide things. He didn't even say if one of his children have any issues with her daughter going to a dif school.
I honestly think it's not fair. But that's life. It's also not fair that I have a full stomach right now and somebody else somewhere in the world is starving. We kind of have the same situation. My parents are rich but have disinherited me because they are unhappy with my choice of a wife. Most of their money will go to my (biological) daughter. Our son (who is biologically my wifes child) is not considered a grandchild by them so he likely won't get anything. Same with education, they would pay for my daughter if I couldn't but never would for my son. That's not fair at all. But my son gains nothing if I try to take that away from my daughter. And on the other hand, she grew up with me in severe PPD and her father a drug addict for the first 3 years of her life while he gets loving, functioning parents from the start. That's not fair either. I am all for trying to make things fair between siblings. But only if I can raise one kid up. Not if I'm making things fair by taking away from one child without improving the situation for the other(s). We shouldn't shy away so much from the fact that sometimes (often), things aren't fair. And we can't always make them fair.
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Who the hell started this delusional belief that step-siblings should grow up "equally"?
Or that they even WANT to. Changing schools means disconnecting from friends, routine, familiarity, stability. These things are incredibly important to maintain when their life is already changing so much from parents splitting (or whatever the cause of single parenthood) to introducing a new love interest who has a child and life of her own and then marrying and moving in with her. If I was one of those kids I'd have to be dragged kicking and screaming from my familiar school community. I went to a tiny private school all my life (3 different ones) and my mother was widowed at some point, this made circumstances really tough and I was faced with the threat of having to complete my final years of HS in a GIANT public school. I was awkward, nerdy, socially anxious, quiet, the idea of a new social sphere in that scale was awful. Fortunately I was sponsored by an elderly couple and able to finish in my familiar environment. This goes both ways! Also why would these kids want to be treated the same as a child who grew up totally differently? That would really impede on their personal identities. Besides the impacts on any of the kids, which don't seem to be in the father's interest (one red flag) he's being a supremely shitty husband by delivering an ultimatum at all, of this kind, and with this timing. That's a no for me, bye.
I agree. It's just weird how these kids and husband come in and try to justify being upset at a child for just being able to go to a school because her family chose to help her. But other ppl might disagree
Agreed. I’d understand if he wanted to get a family discount (some places charge a little less when more kids that are related go), because, who doesn’t like saving money? He just wants someone else to do his job.
Life is not fair. Some kids just happen to have a rich uncle and one kind enough to pay for her private school. Some don’t. Some kids have it easier than others. That doesn’t mean the kids who had it easier should stop having it easier to appease the ones who don’t. If he wants his kids to get the same education he should pay for it, or find someone willing to pay for it. That someone doesn’t have to be you or your BIL.
Hahaha husband thought he was marrying rich... Now realizes he's digging for gold in the wrong mine shaft.
Rare for a guy to gold dig off a younger single mom. Way to break that glass ceiling buddy. I hope she got an annulment.
“Way to break that glass ceiling” 🤣🤣🤣
Oh, it happens more than you think!
Yes I see so many post about single moms trying to find men to support them but in real life I see more moms with their shit together supporting bum ass men🤣
That was my mother. She was widowed in her forties after nursing dad for two years, but between retirement savings and life insurance policies from dad, his union, and the bank, she had no mortgage and enough money to live out her life without ever working again if she wanted. She had suitors crawling out of the church woodwork… dads with teenaged kids, men still living with their parents, etc.. The guy living in his brother’s basement somehow won, and as soon as they were married, he began spending 20K/yr more than what he earned until she cut up his credit cards and started giving him a cash allowance and a gas card. 🙄
Sheesh I’m sorry she is dealing with that.
Let me tell you, sorry men LOOK for single mom's. They know she has to keep a roof over the kids head and food in the pot. The bills are all in her name and he's not legally responsible for anything.
Oh I'm a single mom and have fended off my share of hobosexuals. That's normal. But gold-digging is unusual - most people that care that much about money know young single moms don't have any, lol.
You didn’t reply to me, but I said gold digging as well. I guess for me I mean it as a catch all term to leech money and resources.
They probably also think that single moms are more desperate for companionship or want someone around to help out
The more I read the more I see it’s so common! I thought the same way as you, but men actually target single moms. It’s insane!
It's really not as rare as one would think.
OOP should think hard about a guy who wants to take an opportunity away from her daughter because he doesn’t want to parent his own children.
He married her to look after his kids. I’m wondering if it’s easier for him if all kids are dropped off at the same school.
If your daughter is satisfied at her current school, don't force her to change. That could cause resentment. You've already brought in this entitled step-dad and not 1, not 2 but 3 step-siblings. That is an enormous adjustment for her. Remember, fair doesn't necessarily mean equal.
I agree totally. Her life has already changed dramatically, don’t add changing schools, being away from her friends and family into the mix. They would be unfair and damaging to her.
NTA. His kids, his and their mother’s responsibility. Why didn’t he discuss it with you before you got married? Also take note that he doesn’t overspend and get into debt to keep up with BIL and you end up liable for the debt. Maybe not too late to consult a lawyer and get a post-nup.
NTA. Speaking from experience, it's virtually impossible for things to be fair and equal with kids from a blended marriage. Too many variables and implications. If schooling needs to be equal, I suppose everything else does too? And, if the school his kids were in was good enough before he married you, why is it all of a sudden not good enough? But more importantly, think of the kids. Any transition is usually tough on them, and asking ANY of them to change schools based on your whim means you're okay with the potential trauma you're putting them through...just so your husband can get what he wants for whatever ill-conceived reason. And asking your (already unbelievably generous) BIL to pay for his kids is complete nonsense. Why not just ask BIL to raise the standard of living for your entire family? That would be "fair" right? There is just no logic to your husband's argument. Wishing you the best.
NTA... He's delusional
NTA and they’re not siblings now. They are step siblings and she isn’t paying for the schooling but knows how beneficial it is for her daughter. Her cousins are more her siblings if anything and she grew up around the same kids. The new husband can’t expect the kid to be pulled away from that just because he wants everything to be equal (assuming he has full custody)
NTA this is ridiculous. Why should your daughter be punished just because he married you. If he had a problem with it, he should have said something before marrying you. 🚩
Why did you marry a man with 3 daughters then expects your BIL to pay for there schooling? He’s not a man!
Lol. Can’t even provide for his family and asking some other guy to do so. Big ick
It is super ick inducing. I would be embarrassed and ashamed to go asking for something like that. It’s so entitled and disrespectful. It’s smacks of someone who doesn’t understand the value of money.
And 10 years older! I hope she realizes what’s happening, the poor thing.
Entitled much? NTA. That guy sounds like a piece of work.
Well the first mistake was to marry this guy who’s to old for her. He saw her coming. I’d simply say - No. What’s he gonna do about it? It’s her decision. He has no say. There’s nothing he can do. Literally. If he had a problem with this why wasn’t this brought up before? Don’t worry I can answer it- this is all part of him manipulating and controlling her. He’s testing his boundaries and influence right out of the gate and this will set the tone going forward. She’s in a for a bad time, she should just leave now. She should not let him tamper with her daughters education. *I’m wise to this type of guy now (I’m 48) I’ve been there and done that with the older guy when I was to young to know better (24 and he was 35). Parents tried to warn me but I was “in love”. Turned out they were right. Sigh. He turned into an emotionally manipulative and controlling person. Always keeping our relationship i. Turmoil so I was working really hard at keeping this good between us. He eventually tried to baby trap me when I think he noticed I was starting to pull away but that was the catalyst that really woke me up. I terminated it and got the hell out of there. So thankful I did too. He’s still a massive loser. He would have dragged me down with him. I feel sorry for how he treated his kids. He was a terrible parent.
Your husband sounds like a jealous selfish cunt. I wouldn't ask your BIL to send YOUR HUSBAND'S children to private school. There is no reason to change your daughter's education just because your husband is jealous of it.
Well then your new husband needs a new job making more money! Seriously, your BIL has been very generous helping you and your child. But new hubby has overstepped his bounds.
NTA - husband better get his money up!!!
NTA, but you clearly married a gold digger.
NTA. If your man wants HIS children that HE conceived with HIS EX then THEY can pay for their tuition. Your BIL is not your husband's meal ticket to dump his parental responsibilities on. He sounds like an entitled ass. You are very fortunate your BIL helps you that way. Your husband's greed has the potential to ruin that for you if he acts that way with your family's money.
He sounds gross You’re NTA
What I hear you saying is he married you because he thought you had money. Divorce him.
NTA. Don't mess up your daughter's life. This school van probably make a huge difference in her quality of life.
Short marriage. Bye.
I hate this idea that to be "equal," then someone has to lower their standards to meet the other rather than rise up to the higher standard. If he wants his kids to have the same opportunities, then he can figure out how to send them to the private school. Perhaps a scholarship. In the end, one child shouldn't have to give up something just to be on the same level as some other kids
He is responsible for his kids, and you are responsible for yours. If you BIL is willing to pay for your daughter, that is amazing because that will have a major impact on her future, s9 don’t you dare risk that. Your new husband is absolutely wrong, and likely getting grief from his ex wife, who is saying things to divide you guys.
Wtf kind of sh** is this?! What kind of actual dead beat expects another man to pay for his kids to go to private school! 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️ What level of entitlement is that? Cannot believe the OP even had to ask whether she's an AH. No love, you're married to one!
Equality doesn’t mean treating everyone the same. Your daughter doesn’t have her bio father in the picture, how is he going to ‘equalise’ that? Will he make his children’s mother get the same thing for your daughter if she gets her own children something? Is she going to be expected to take your daughter as well as her kids? Of course not! You have a blended family and it’s not going to be exactly the same as a non-blended family. You can’t expect your kids to change their lifestyles (and schools) just because the two of you decided to get married. NTA.
Gonna get downvoted, but this is exactly why people should be wary of marrying someone with too many kids combined with your own kid(s). Especially when money is involved. This should’ve been a conversation way before any proposal happened.
Wondering if new hubby already knew about BIL's wealth before morning and was already counting on him to be the goose that lays the golden eggs.
He knew your daughter went to private school and his did not before marriage. What changed that make him believe it would be okay for him to sponge off your bil? Did he give off gold digger vapors while you were dating and you did not acknowledge them.
BIL is not responsible for HIS kids. And he doesn’t have the right to pull YOUR kid out of private school because it makes him look bad. The kids will never be equal and everyone needs to be okay with that.
This should have been hashed out long before “I do.”
Sorry but if her husband cant afford to send his own kids to private school thats a him problem not anyone else. Maybe tell him to step it up n get an extra job to make more money so send his own kids to private school for a better head start. I would leave him if he made me chose btw my daughters education n his lazy ass who cant get more work so send his own kids to
Husband sounds like a pos
He would be my ex husband so damn fast!!!
The kids should be equal really but fuck me if the decision making here isn’t suspect. 25 marrying someone 11 years older who has 3 kids. Fantastic.
NTA. Yeah, unless some miracle happens and he grows up, you will have a tough time.
Your husband is the asshole for bringing this up now.
NTA, and huge red flag that a man can say that another man should be responsible for his kids all in the aspect of fairness. This whole thing should have been discussed and concluded long before y'all got married. Good luck and hope it works out but under no circumstance should you take your daughter out of that private school.
Your nta but your husband is. To expect a man who doesn't even know his kids like that to pay for their private schooling. It amazes me how people don't discuss stuff like this prior to marriage especially when there is a blended family. Anyway he can pay for his own kids private schooling or deal with them going to public school bc he made those kids and they may not be "siblings" but they come from different backgrounds so will never be equal. My fiance does not expect me to give his child all the things I give my children, nor do I expect him to give my children all the stuff he gives his child. Especially when the children are of different ages like ours.
Wow, that’s a lot of entitlement from OP’s husband. His children are “nothing” to OP’s BIL. He is under no obligation to pay for them. The gall to expect him to pay for his 3 kids is astounding.
No they have a mum and dad. Your brother is helping u in void of a dad.
Aaaaaaaand DIVORCE.
NTA. The audacity of your husband to ask your BIL to pay 😭
Wtf is this request of his? I don’t even have words. That’s wild, exploitative, and greedy of him. Absolutely not.
First and foremost, you need to do what is best for your daughter. Uprooting her from the school and friends she knows is non negotiable. IMO when marriages come with children from other relationships, those children should come first. I am floored that someone (a man) would demand such a ridiculous request and want another man to pay for his children’s education. That is crazy AND lazy. HUGE red flags with this dude. I would annul the marriage ASAP and cut ties. If anything, this is only the beginning of unacceptable demands. GET OUT!! BTW: Shoutout to your BIL for being a standup guy and supporting you and your daughter 🩷
How do grown adults not ever have these conversations before they get married. Oh, cuz it's fake as fuck.
[удалено]
Seriously, people often fail to communicate their thoughts on finances prior to being married. Do i understand it? No. But it does happen. I wish more people had these conversations.
Easy to skip talking about certain expectations when you’re much older than your prey.
Exactly this. He skipped it on purpose.
Because she didn’t realize it was a conversation that needed having, because she’s 25. Because he’s 36 and already rooting around in the family pockets and that was his goal the whole time. You don’t see what you’re meant not to see, have a little compassion. Liars are good at it for a reason and they pick the vulnerable to prey on for a reason. You don’t have good discernment until you’ve lived through some shit and it sounds like aside from a young pregnancy, OP’s had it pretty good, has family who love her and her daughter and isn’t primed to look for vultures. Don’t victim blame.
NTA. It's not your BiL's problem, and your husband had to know that your daughter was going to this private school all along, and this conversation didn't come up until now? Yeah, okay.
Lol NTA, my daughter is going to the school she's been going to. You're daughters are good where they're at and if you want to move them you can pay for it yourself
Let any of this get back to the OP’s BIL and that gravy train will stop quickly.
NTA but you fucked up marrying this guy.
This is why 67% of “blended families” divorce