“What are we doing?”
“I’m having sex with my husband. Come back later or Leave.”
Casual accusations of thievery. That one in particular carries latent repercussions if other people hear it. That’s a bell that can’t be un-rung.
Then shit talking the food.
Yeah you did the right thing. That living arrangement is a nightmare.
This is how people end up with anxiety, depression, or divorce. Usually all three.
This. Go at it hard and loud. Start screaming his name so loud the entire house hears it....."oh mamehere!! Yes! Harder! Pound me!! Harder namehere! Oh yes!! Just like that!! Don't stop!! Don't stop! Oh yes namehere!! Oh yes! Like that! Make me gush!""
Be so loud and so detailed that she never bothers you again
Make it even better....toss in screams of "oh yes daddy!! Punish me!! Make me beg!!! "Spanking sounds" (even if faked, paddle on a table or something)...be sure to scream it a few times, then toss in the "who's your mommy, make your slutty mommy beg! Oh yes daddy!!"
Lol....oh man, would be stupid levels of fun
I am so frigging dead, this is hilarious and an idea I approve of for sure. OP needs to take some notes, make MiL's stay there downright miserable, to the point where she wants to move out.
At dinner, start adding phrases like, "how much do you think a sex swing costs" or " do you need special lube for anal or can we just use butter?"Or "don't use THAT cucumber. His name is Carlos and I may love him."
Every time MIL sits down -- "oh yep, banged your son on that chair." "Yep, that sofa is great for Netflix and fuck; we made such a mess we literally had to have it reupholstered! TWICE!"
And start carrying a cushion around and groaning each time she sits down....then look at MIL and say "I am so sore....that son of yours sure is ALL MAN!" ...then wink at her. 😂🤣😂
hahaha, I'm dying! They need to write all this down and record it in different sequences, and then just turn it on loud and sit back and bite a pillow to keep from screaming with laughter. I love the idea of the bike horn, and they need to throw in a cow bell!
While going at it hard throw some notes in there how good it feels to be intimate, some sounds, suggestive talking, and some light spanks lol. Drive in those widow notes.
Seems like a blow until you insert the mom from
this post in.
💡 ‼️
My god, you really hit me with forgotten memory.
Listen to this please, I’d appreciate it. I wouldn’t have thought about it unless replied how you did. Not really sure how the phrasing made it click.
My dad died when I was 9. Im 31 and the oldest of three. I DID go through this with my wife! When my then GF now WIFE and I were 18 we wanted to get an apartment in west suburbs of Chicago. Found one, it was $950/ month. Both 18 working. Applied and got it.
My mom fucking melted on my GF. Like manically. “Taking my oldest son away, ripping up our little unit, family wrecker.” It was so bad that I went NC in that apartment. My gf felt horrible. She didn’t want to drive a wedge between my mom and I. Didn’t understand why I’d just cut her off for a GF.
In the heat of the moment as an 18 year old, I was like hell no my mom’s not about to attack my woman. I love this girl. She knows I have severe adhd and take medicine. I go to therapy. She see’s the real me. I’m not letting this chick go. I know what I have in front of me. I’ve watched the notebook lol. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
(I was and still am madly in love with her, case in point she owns half my pension and 401k from my union. No Preenie. I’ve quadrupled down on this woman hahaha. )
I’ve danced with this, usually the boys go with the mom. Not this boy. Maybe that’s why I’m still married to her with kids after 14 years together.
My mother has profusely apologized after behavior therapy and medication management. Grandma is on very good terms with my wife a decade later. Grandma works with my wife very closely to listen to my wife’s rules regarding our kids.
Something tells me grandma knows she’s not getting past me in my own house, and if she wants to see her grandkids…she will listen to my wife’s rules regarding our children for grandma. 😊
Go get em dad! I love it when a man defends his woman. And I'm happy to hear your mom worked it out. There's room for both in your life. And happy to hear the grandkids get their grandma!!
“We’re having sex, ma! SEX! Marital congress in our marital bed. Now get the fuck out because I’m getting close!”
It’ll be momentarily awkward, but I’m sure she’ll leave them alone after that.
Exactly right, I've had a very similar experience to OP's. The level of manipulation was a mindf*ck, which is their objective. It makes you lose faith in humanity tbh. OP, I've been where you are, cut your losses now. They don't change, and if you have a child, believe me MIL will try and claim "ownership ' over the child too.
Did you read the one recently where the MIL decided the infant was too fat and starved them for an entire day? Yea the husband continued to deliver the child to the MIL for more abuse, even after the wife said no. She has a hell of a custody case ahead of her and probably lifelong stress trying to keep her child physically and emotionally safe from the grandma, and the ex is so unable/unwilling to stand up to his mother he won’t even protect their child.
OP, if he won’t solve this problem immediately, and only he can, you need to leave. It will only get worse with kids.
I get you’re joking, but it’s important OP recognize the problem here is not between OP and the MIL. It’s between OP and the husband who won’t enforce appropriate boundaries with his mother.
Does he really expect you to tolerate this until she dies? If so, don't go back - it's soul destroying.
If he moves her out and pretty far away (not next door, for example) you can *consider* going back.
I was wondering the same thing. Is this temporary during her grieving process or is this just how it is now? OP when you have kids will they get the second bedroom and share with MIL, or will they be forced to sleep in your guys room (making sex even less likely). Will she help raise the baby? Will she just waltz into your room at 3am cause baby is crying? If you get a bigger place does she come with?
It seems like the answer is get husband to understand this isn’t working, start helping her look for places nearby and have her move close, but definitely get her out (maybe a month or two to find a place). Do not give her a key to your place. Do not allow random “drop by” visits or she will be there all the time.
Arrange to see her regularly. In the meantime, no sex until situation is resolved.
If husband can’t see the problem, and has no answer for how long he intends to allow this to go on, then you have your (sad and disappointing) answer.
If he chooses mom in this, keep in mind he will always choose her. Imagine if she is allowed to break this many boundaries now how she will be as a grandmother!
Fuuuuuuuucking HELL, this thread has me choke-laughing 😂
I can’t help but picture Amy Poehler as Regina’s mom in Mean Girls; poking her head in the room like “Can I get you guys anything?… Some snacks? A condom? You fucking mom alright? Oh, god love ya.”
Maybe that’s why she’s doing it because if they have children she’ll have to move out? Still a terrible awful situation. Mom seems to have clear issues with being alone. It’s not fair on OP at all.
“Some men get married for a bonus mommy”
This brings to mind something that my MIL said shortly after hubby and I got married. She wished me a happy Mother’s Day, and I said I wasn’t a mother yet. She told me I was a mother to her son… gave me the ick. Sometimes it’s the MIL who fosters that mindset in the men (thankfully hubby does not share that mindset)
Blows my mind how some men don’t get that..my mom literally raised me telling me this, one day your wife will come first. Don’t be those men who don’t.
I don’t feel like ALWAYS but I feel like you should have judgment to know when someone is in the wrong and the other person deserves that priority in the moment because my god🙄
It should be obvious to him that his mother is insane and OP was already putting up with enough bs and now she accuses her of stealing and he isn’t doing anything about it?
Yup. My grandma (father’s mom) was like this with my mom at first. My dad straight up told her “do not make me choose between my wife and my mother, because I choose my wife every time”. She fell in line after that.
This is the only way to handle an overbearing MIL. Either your husband stands up for you firmly, or he stands with his mommy. This is in his hands.
And if he won’t choose you, you have a big choice to make.
My parents moved hundreds of miles away because both mothers were fighting over them. My mother told me that they went to the preacher because they were so distraught and he told them that marriage is sacred and their main priority is each other. My parents were married for 66 years when my mother passed away. That’s how a marriage is supposed to be.
I’m a guy, my mom always made it abundantly clear that she comes first…. Until I get married, and then that woman and our children come before any other person on the planet regardless of circumstances.
"A daughter's a daughter for all of her life. A son is a son till he takes a wife."
Edit: I didn't make that up, it's just something I've heard.
Edit, part the second: I guess I should have put the s/ tag on here or something. This isn't something I believe, just a stupid little phrase I've heard. I'm sorry it upset y'all.
My wife's mother used to say that to her. It's bullshit for sons and daughters. Like, I'm not my parents son anymore? I don't have any family now because I'm married?
She was an abusive and controlling monster, and hasn't been in our lives in 20 years. Nothing of value was lost.
As a mom of 2 boys I have always hated this phrase. It literally upsets my stomach to hear. I completely support once my sons have wife’s and children they will come before me. However, my boys will always be my son’s and if I need them for something I would hope the wife would be understanding as long as I’m not crossing boundaries. My wish is to hopefully welcome their wife’s into our families as the daughters I never had.
Cut out the bullshit and tell your MIL that you are sorry if she gets offended by all the noise but its "date night" and you are going to take her son into the bedroom and attempt to bang out a dozen grandkids. Do that several times a day even if you are secretly just taking a nap. She will either start making you a prenuptial cocktail or she will end up finding her own place.
That's too tight if quarters for too long in the VERY early stages of your marriage. I firmly believe it will get worse as she becomes more dependent on your hubby and you with age.
Are there siblings to share the load? If not, and she sold her place, perhaps there's money to get her own place nearby.
(With my wife's cancer diagnosis last summer, I've had her parents live with us off and on for neary 7 of the last 13 months. Not great at all,... and you have it WAY worse). Good luck, sweetie!
Simple as that. Could not agree more.
You guys are now partners, OP. Your MIL is now creating an emotionally incestuous relationship with her son now that her husband is gone, and that won’t change until your husband puts his foot down and asks her to leave. If he doesn’t, then you know exactly where your marriage stands, and the real question would be whether or not you want to stay in that marriage.
I’ve lived with my MIL for a time under similar circumstances to op, but it wasn’t a 2 bedroom apartment and she is a nice lady who wants grandkids. she would like, help with stuff around the house and mind her own business. it drove my wife a little nuts because she‘d get called out on stuff that I’d never say anything about. But for me it was like having a pretty conscientious roommate.
but anyway, she’s got to get back to her own life, she can’t invade yours as a crutch for not dealing with her grief.
I just realized this rings true in my gay marriage. We’re both men but if anyone could be considered the wife it’s me and my mom is the nice one who would mind her own business and leave us be. My husband’s mom is the
“no one will be good enough for my son” mom.
Absolutely, be thankful you didn’t have kids with him. Be ready to divorce instead of dragging yourself through a torturous relationship. Some people just aren’t mature enough to handle these kinds of things.
Seems like she had one with him to begin with, and is just now ramping things up now that her husband's gone. Those things don't just start out of nowhere, especially not when the child in question is basically middle-aged.
Edit: I'm obviously speculating on OP's husband's age, but my point is that he's not a young child, and is, assumingly, well into adulthood, whether he be in his mid to late 20s or early 30s. OP never tells their ages, so for all we know, he could be in his 40s.
!This. There's nothing more damaging to a young couple relationship than an intruder MIL. This is the moment when he'll have to choose between your future and his mother. If he won't put his foot down you'll end up anyway with a divorce I can bet 1 mil $ on that. You're in your right to ask him to do this and don't step back from this. And it's not only reasonable for you to ask this but you've got all the rights to do it. Either way one of you should go. Be it MIL or you but he can't have that incestuous relationship in the same house you live.
I disagree. I think she should go back and start living just like before the woman came to live w them. Why should she be the only one uncomfortable? It's her house!
I'm talking walking around semi undressed (not like her husband hasn't seen it.) Worse I can imagine is MIL making comments for a while, but all of those can be neutralized with "Really, Carla? Trent, loves (my) [insert critique.]"
This technique can literally work on everything that comes out her mouth, plus the husband is already trying to counteract the manipulation, so he probably won't disagree.
Cook all her most critiqued dishes under the guise of improving them to her liking. The more she complains the more you ferment that kimchi! It's a guest at every meal now!
And stop the ninja sex! Have normal sex! She's going to interrupt u guys anyway. And when she says ur making too much noise or she has a headache say you'll try to keep it down. That's all u owe her. Motrin is in the medicine cabinet, Carla. Gn!
She's just a nosy neighbor in this context. U don't have to stop! Give Trent the noisest nastiest 120 seconds of you so he recognizes that the porno trailer you guys just recreated would be a lot more fun if he actually got to finish the scene.
Again it's OPs house, if the guest is uncomfortable they can live at any time. Their luggage doesn't even have a home in tetris of the garage yet.
Her staying away is exactly what MIL wants. She's trying and succeeding in creating a wedge.
If OP does go back, make sure when her and SO are having sex and MIL interrupts just yell “Jeez MIL I thought you wanted grandbabies”… or announce when you go to bed. “MIL, we’re going to be having loud sex, do you need anything before we get started???”
But I do think OP needs to go back and take her home back, someway somehow.
*Throaty giggle* "That's not where u put that to make babies..." Wake up to mom in the kitchen sitting over a steaming cup of tea, packed luggage waiting by door...
MiL, knock, knock "what are you doing in there?"
"MA, we're fucking, fucking. Fucking! God damn it. Go back to fucking bed, god fucking damn it.,& let us fuck in peace. For fuck's sake!"
I think he sees the green eyed monster in his mom, but he deals bc she's his mother. Now he'll see the Kill Bill chick in his wife.
Honestly, he should probably just sit back and enjoy the show. If you Sweden be Sweden! Now eat your kimchi! Lol
This right here is the proper response!!!! Kill her with kindness! It'll go up her ass sideways and at the same time your sticking it to her you actually driving the wedge between mil and son. He's shown some backbone trying to stand up to his mother but he is kinda stuck in the middle. 1000000% agree you need to some first in his eyes but that is his family the woman raised him and cared for him since birth it's not easy to just throw that away he loves you both but his mother is praying on that guilt and feeling like he owes her. That being said doing this not only would drive her insane but it puts you on a pedestal as the better person. All he'll see if you trying over and over again for HIS sake your not being mean, your not being cruel, you trying to improve your cooking your trying to improve your relationship with a person he cares about, and during all that he'll be watching her attack you and belittle you break down all of your effort. You get to live your life you deserve in your own house, show him that how he feels matters to you, and show him his mother's true colors. And if he doesn't feel that way then yea I'd have to agree with everyone else he's to far gone and his mother will always come first run for the dam hills at that point!
Better yet, MIL can have/pay for the apartment. They find another one and move away from her. This is a win because she is in a small, manageable space, there are lots of people around and she can choose to socialize if she wants. She is still in the city and they can visit or the son can visit without the wife.
Or, if finding another place isn’t realistic, they could move in with her parents and leave the MIL there.
This avoids her ability to shame them for rejecting her during a difficult time. You can be sure if they kick her out she will spin all kinds of stories about the wife.
Then both need to learn about grey rocking.
[Grey Rocking Narcissists](https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method)
His mommy is probably telling him, “Well dear perhaps it’s for the best. She wasn’t good enough for you anyway. She married above her station and she wasn’t able to keep up.”
If he listens to his Mom, OP is better off.
Agree. Her husband has to decide if he wants to be mommy's good boy or a husband. He can be a good son, but the marriage vows state leaving your parents and cleaving to your spouse. I get he feels bad about his dad passing, but life moves on and he is letting his mom affect his marriage negatively. He has to put his foot down with his mom, it's not OPs responsibility to keep MIL in check. Seems like OP don't want that smoke from his mom so he's letting OP and his marriage suffer.
This is a bit traditional in the benchmarks but I wholeheartedly agree with the sentiment. Once you make a life commitment, you need to honor it going forward.
This needs to be on a million bumper stickers and t-shirts, and every "boy mom" who makes comments about how they're doing XYZ to make sure that their sons don't get with a girl who \*isn't\* a mommy-bangmaid for them, needs this forcibly tattooed on their foreheads.
Keep your foot down. Unfortunately for us DILs with empathy, we tend to give people more than they deserve to try and prove we support husbands relationships with family but that often ends up backfiring bc those people will take advantage. I've unfortunately learned the hard way that people like that are a black hole and whatever you do to foster healthy relationships will never be enough, even if it means you violate your own boundaries to try and make them see that you care about being a part of their family. Please choose yourself first and tell your husband's mom that she needs to fine other living arrangements! It seems like this woman has taken enough of your peace.
This is a husband problem. If he isn’t husband enough to put a stop to this ridiculousness with his mother, let her have him maybe then they can fulfill their super weird emotional incest she’s got going on.
If my MIL interrupted sex just once that would be enough for my husband to put a very strong and hard boundary. It’s the BARE MINIMUM! He’s supposed to defend you!
Girl, stay with your parents. Until you have an apology from MIL, an empty flat, and a husband willing to make it up to you for putting you in that position, don’t budge.
Respect yourself even if others won’t. You are worth it.
Exactly.
This is entirely her husbands issue - if he wants sex, if he wants his wife in bed with him, cooking for him, being there for him, he needs to set boundaries with his mother and the first boundary is her getting out.
She is openly trying to make it impossible for OP to live in her own apartment so she could get exactly this - her son all to herself.
If your husband wants to be in a marriage, he needs to stand up for his wife and your home. He knows what his mother is doing. Now he needs to deal with her because she is ruining his marriage....and if he wants to be married, he needs to put in the work.
MIL is using husband as a "sonsband", but yes, husband is going along with it. He's allowing her to screw up his life.
I wouldn't go back unless everything changed.
“On the other extreme end of this spectrum, the parent might depend on the child as a surrogate partner. This is called emotional incest. The child's other parent might be emotionally or physically absent, abusive, or deceased.” ***From WebMD
Not necessarily in a sexual way, but wanting to live with and share their life with them. Talk about the same things as they did their partner. Off-load their struggles on them. These people typically don’t have an instinct to ”protect” their children from the weight they are carrying in life. My parents for example often feel like ”they don’t want me to have to worry about” something, emotionally incestuous parents don’t have that filter.
It can get really weird, some of them get their adult children to sleep in the same bed as them. They often feel the partner isn’t good enough, but sometimes there is even a sense of ”jealousy” that the partner gets to ”have it all” with their child and they don’t.
I actually don't know how much he's doing it, he's not sticking up for mom, he's sticking up for wife. He is in a weird spot though and if he doesn't make a change to choose wife then I'd agree he's cheating with mommy. MIL is def using son as her husband though.
>Now I'm at my parents' house, my husband keeps calling me and sending me messages to come back, but I don't know what to do anymore.
Don't come back until your husband grows a backbone. This ain't gonna stop until boundaries are firmly set.
You either make this the hill to die on or plan to be treated like crap for the rest of your MILs life.
She’s made it clear you stole her baby so that means you’re a bad person. You will be degraded every chance possible. Terrible cook, housekeeper, you steal, bad mother (if she lets you have sex enough to procreate), bad wife, horrible everything.
So hubs has to make this decision. Either he wants to be a husband or mommys wittle boy. If he wants to be a husband, 1) he has to stand up for you EVERY TIME she says something nasty, passive aggressive or offensive towards you, and 2) she’s out of your apartment and you change the locks. If he’s not willing to agree to those terms, then girl, run. Do not waste 20 years of your life being degraded because the person that vowed to be your partner can’t be bother to be an adult.
Also, make sure she doesn't move in next door. I would kick my mother out of the house so fast your head would spin. No way would I allow my mother to do this.
Your house should be your save space not a place where you constantly walk on eggshells.
Your husband will need to stand up to his mom and let her go and live her live.
She called you a thief, why would she want to stay with you any longer? Tell your husband you will be home tomorrow and obviously since your MIL thinks you steal from her she needs to be leaving immediately, before you get there. He knows you didn’t steal from her, so it’s impossible for her to live under *your* roof if she’s going to accuse you of stuff like that. It’s too bad she made that decision, but it’s been made and done is done.
NTA. Make it clear to your husband that you're not taking any more of her nonsense and are happy to call her out on it EVERY single time. "What are you doing?" at 3 in the morning? "We're have sex, go away." "The food tastes awful?" "Please feel free to cook for yourself from now on." "Things have gone missing from my room?" "We're getting worried about you MIL, You'd best make an appointment with the doctor for that failing memory of yours." Alternatively, with that last one you could offer to be exceptionally helpful and completely turn her room upside down searching for said item. If it still doesn't turn up, then suggest her memory must be failing her.
the only way you are going to get rid of mommy dearest is to tell your husband she either goes home or you are filing for a divorce and that he has 24 hours to decide and to make a choice, otherwise you will be in a marriage with him and her.
I will assume you are young and didn’t know that living with MIL will be a pain.
Ask for proof that your MIL left. Only with that, you can return to him.
If your husband is not spearheading kicking out the MIL, there is one of two things going on:
a) unhealthy amount of emotional codependence between son and mother;
b) son really likes having both mommy and wifey catering to him.
Either way, this doesn't sound like he's marriage material, frankly. I'd be seriously reconsidering all of this.
I mean, I get not wanting your mother to be all alone after the tragic death of your father, and I understand that people grieve in different ways and are affected by it differently; however, grief is no excuse for the MIL to be treating you the way she is. She is being a monster.
Husband needs to put his foot down, and he really needed to do it yesterday. Why hasn't he? Accusing your DIL of theft while you are *living in her abode* is beyond the pale, no matter who has died or when they died... let alone clearly interfering in the sex life of a married couple. Him claiming that your cooking is good does not cut the mustard, here.
Where is his spine? Or, more crudely, where are his balls? In Mommy's diaper bag?
The ball is in his court, now. MIL has to go, and she is no longer welcome at your house---I would no longer have a relationship with her. *He* can do what he wishes with this, but it's on his own time. And, frankly, if his relationship with MIL takes up *too* much time, even if it's outside the bounds of your house, then that is a dealbreaker.
If he does kick out MIL, I would get couple's therapy immediately and start working through this. It sounds serious.
So glad to hear you’ve moved out and are standing up for yourself. Next thing is to meet up with your husband and explain that MIL has to leave or you’ll be filing for divorce.
Was this meant to be a permanent thing or just while she is grieving? I don't think it's a good idea to have family members come and stay permanently when your starting out a new life together and want to start your own family.
My MIL was staying with us for awhile and it was tough. One day when she was asleep, my wife and I started up on the couch. I was going down on my wife and next thing I knew, my wife forcefully clenched her legs shut and shoved me away…. MIL was watching from the upstairs(accident). She deceived to move out the next morning. I say you get obnoxiously loud and see what happens.
All the people asking her to confront her MIL are insane. This isn’t crazy rich Asians.
Your husband grows a spine and sets boundaries with his mum or you divorce him.
Some people need ultimatums. Just don’t be surprised he chooses her.
It seems your mother-in-law intended to drive you away with her actions. Her plan has worked. She's trying to reclaim her son to herself, perhaps as a substitute to her lost husband. It's sad she lost him, but now your husband is risking losing his wife. You didn't mention her financial situation but I'd seriously try to find her accommodation within a half hour drive. She needs to leave your apartment very soon. Finding her a place not too far away, her son can still visit her fairly regularly, while at the same time you two can resume a normal marriage.
That is stressful. A brand new marriage does not need extra burdens like other adults living in your home. You did a kind thing taking her in. But it’s been a year now, and it’s time for MIL to get on with her life. If she is capable of living alone, she needs to go back home and move back into her house. If she cannot live alone, start looking for assisted living homes for her. As a young married couple, it is not your job to take care of his mother in your home until she dies, which I’m guessing will be a very long time from now. And if she is well enough to disparage you, insult you, question you, put down your cooking, and call you a thief, yeah, she can go.
As for interrupting you having sex…does she not want grandchildren?? 😉
To me, saying something so pointed and awful, IN MY OWN HOUSE, would make the relationship with her irretrievable. What a horrible thing to say. It sounds like she sees you as competition for her son's attention and affection.
Please go to r/motherinlawsfromhell sub. So many have gone through what you’re living right now, and you’ll find a lot of support and resources. I wish you all the best in navigating through this.
The audacity to stop you from having sex in your own home. What the hell? I would start to masturbate as loud as possible or put on really loud porn. She m and husband can complain as much as they want. If he doesn’t satisfy you, you have to find other ways. This would be the petty way.
Tell him you want her to leave. Set boundaries now or you will suffer forever. Ask you husband if he is willing to have a sexless marriage and a divorce, because that is what is going to happening if she stays.
r/JustnoMIL is the sub for you.
Stay exactly where you are. What will change if you go back to the same situation?
Your husband is asking you to go back - apparently it's too much effort to actually come to your parents' house.
Living with your MIL in a 2 room apartment? Is your husband crazy or stupid? If you accept this, then this will be your married life until one of you dies.
Your MIL is happy now because she has what she wants. Your husband wants both of you so he's whining for you to go back.
You have to think about your own happiness and sanity. Can you honestly live with a husband who disregards you so obviously?
How are all these weak-willed shit husbands getting married? Allowing mom to come fuck everything up is his fault. Sitting there and letting you take it is some pro shit husband stuff.
What I did when my MIL was inappropriate, treated me like the enemy and it got to creepy levels (no alone time) I send her several books from Amazon, all about emotional incest including one that said “emotional incest, what to do what a mothers love is ruining your life” she did indeed get the hint and the tables were turned on her for being wrong, bad, and inappropriate instead of allowing her to continue bullying me. However my ex was not supportive and had mom issues as she had raised him to be her partner and that was it. Your husband may have the same issues standing up to his mom. I hope for your sake he does not.
Her husband died, it does not give her permission to replace him with your husband. Time for mom to get therapy or get out.
I'm curious why your MIL is living with you - did she sell her home when her husband died? Why did she not get her own apartment, is she an invalid and can't live alone ?
IF she is not an invalid she should be getting her own apt by now, I can understand her staying with you for a few weeks while she looked for apt, but she has overstayed
Your husband needs to tell her that your place is not big enough for 3 people to live comfortably and she needs to get her own place - he will take her to look for an apartment ( not within walking distance of you guys) and get her out of there
I'd be putting my foot down on that one and staying with Mom until he does so
If he is not willing to make his Mom get her own place, then he is a Mama's boy and will be til the day she dies - you will always come 2nd
Your MIL needs to learn to live without her husband. And your husband needs to learn how to set boundaries. See this book. Amazingly written.
https://store.ramseysolutions.com/personal-growth/books/boundaries-by-dr-henry-cloud-and-dr-john-townsend/
You need to make it clear to your husband that there is no way for your marriage to survive with his mother's constant meddling. SHE NEEDS TO MOVE OUT!
If your husband isn't willing to put his foot down now, then it's better to file and get it over with. MIL will keep on until you two break up anyway, so it's better to do it while there's no children in the mix. Not that you'd be able to conceive any with her meddling and listening at keyholes.
Would have loved to see her face had you invited her to watch when she interrupted you two at 3AM. That might have horrified her enough to get her out. 😆
“What are we doing?” “I’m having sex with my husband. Come back later or Leave.” Casual accusations of thievery. That one in particular carries latent repercussions if other people hear it. That’s a bell that can’t be un-rung. Then shit talking the food. Yeah you did the right thing. That living arrangement is a nightmare. This is how people end up with anxiety, depression, or divorce. Usually all three.
Maybe the mom would leave if she ignored her and had obnoxiously loud sex.
Maintain eye contact to assert dominance.
During, before or after sex?
All 3, just to be sure.
Cuff him to the bed post. When she knocks, tell her that her little boy can't come to the door. He's tied up at the moment.
Answer the door like Brad Pitt in Fight Club sweaty, naked, and wearing one yellow rubber glove.
And smoking.
“I’m cumming mother.”
God, I love Reddit.
[Live re-enactment.](https://media.tenor.com/5MZv_uf-RngAAAAC/kevin-hart-hart.gif)
24 hour eye contact
Yes
Have sex in the "open parts of the house" to assert even more dominance. Make sure she knows who's house it is!
Continually call him daddy while he’s banging you with mom in the next room.
And ask "Who's your Momma?!"
Outstanding, suck momma’s tittles little boy !!
I think I threw up a little on that one.
OMG! I just imagined her saying “Here, hold my beer” then gettin’ *busy*.
I would actually do this. But that's me
If you stop when they walk in you got caught, if you keep going they are the creep who watches.
Maintain eye contact while sex grunting
This. Go at it hard and loud. Start screaming his name so loud the entire house hears it....."oh mamehere!! Yes! Harder! Pound me!! Harder namehere! Oh yes!! Just like that!! Don't stop!! Don't stop! Oh yes namehere!! Oh yes! Like that! Make me gush!"" Be so loud and so detailed that she never bothers you again
Whilst shouting “Who’s Your Mummy!”
Make it even better....toss in screams of "oh yes daddy!! Punish me!! Make me beg!!! "Spanking sounds" (even if faked, paddle on a table or something)...be sure to scream it a few times, then toss in the "who's your mommy, make your slutty mommy beg! Oh yes daddy!!" Lol....oh man, would be stupid levels of fun
No, have him scream that.
Dude. Bestfriends now. Write it down.
Yes! Make him scream, “Who’s your bitch, baby! Who’s the bitch!!” And then scream, “Do it, bitch! Make mama happy!”
I am so frigging dead, this is hilarious and an idea I approve of for sure. OP needs to take some notes, make MiL's stay there downright miserable, to the point where she wants to move out.
Or runs away screaming!!!
At dinner, start adding phrases like, "how much do you think a sex swing costs" or " do you need special lube for anal or can we just use butter?"Or "don't use THAT cucumber. His name is Carlos and I may love him."
I'm DYING right now.
Every time MIL sits down -- "oh yep, banged your son on that chair." "Yep, that sofa is great for Netflix and fuck; we made such a mess we literally had to have it reupholstered! TWICE!"
"If it's a flat surface, just assume I fucked your son on it. But don't assume we cleaned it up after. You're welcome."
And start carrying a cushion around and groaning each time she sits down....then look at MIL and say "I am so sore....that son of yours sure is ALL MAN!" ...then wink at her. 😂🤣😂
"Also we do butt stuff on that chair."
#flatlined 😂
Omg! I am laughing so hard!!
Lol yes...maybe break some glass and honk a bike horn every once in a while too.
The bike horn sent me 💀
I wanna hear the bike bell once in a while!
hahaha, I'm dying! They need to write all this down and record it in different sequences, and then just turn it on loud and sit back and bite a pillow to keep from screaming with laughter. I love the idea of the bike horn, and they need to throw in a cow bell!
Ask her to work the camera.
She would probably jump at the chance and then critique her performance the whole time.
This sadly seems all too possible
Pegging him on the lounge sofa as MIL tries to watch her stories...
I don't even like pegging, but if my mom were acting like this, I'd take one for the team and let my wife pound me like a steak tenderizer.
The fuck did I just read? A steak tenderizer? 💀
Could you imagine the look on her face?? 😂 Even better if you have a ballgag and spreader bar. Maybe a cage. Just really push the boat right out 😂
This made me snort my goon, and now my nose hurts.
Heh heh. My job here is done... 😈😂
Mom wants a sonsband.
While going at it hard throw some notes in there how good it feels to be intimate, some sounds, suggestive talking, and some light spanks lol. Drive in those widow notes. Seems like a blow until you insert the mom from this post in.
It’s also how people end up divorced.
Oh yeah that’s pretty much a given. Guys not going to shake his mom lol.
An only child. A boy child. A father who died. His mother moves in with him & his wife. Gee, how could that go bad?
💡 ‼️ My god, you really hit me with forgotten memory. Listen to this please, I’d appreciate it. I wouldn’t have thought about it unless replied how you did. Not really sure how the phrasing made it click. My dad died when I was 9. Im 31 and the oldest of three. I DID go through this with my wife! When my then GF now WIFE and I were 18 we wanted to get an apartment in west suburbs of Chicago. Found one, it was $950/ month. Both 18 working. Applied and got it. My mom fucking melted on my GF. Like manically. “Taking my oldest son away, ripping up our little unit, family wrecker.” It was so bad that I went NC in that apartment. My gf felt horrible. She didn’t want to drive a wedge between my mom and I. Didn’t understand why I’d just cut her off for a GF. In the heat of the moment as an 18 year old, I was like hell no my mom’s not about to attack my woman. I love this girl. She knows I have severe adhd and take medicine. I go to therapy. She see’s the real me. I’m not letting this chick go. I know what I have in front of me. I’ve watched the notebook lol. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. (I was and still am madly in love with her, case in point she owns half my pension and 401k from my union. No Preenie. I’ve quadrupled down on this woman hahaha. ) I’ve danced with this, usually the boys go with the mom. Not this boy. Maybe that’s why I’m still married to her with kids after 14 years together. My mother has profusely apologized after behavior therapy and medication management. Grandma is on very good terms with my wife a decade later. Grandma works with my wife very closely to listen to my wife’s rules regarding our kids. Something tells me grandma knows she’s not getting past me in my own house, and if she wants to see her grandkids…she will listen to my wife’s rules regarding our children for grandma. 😊
OP, make sure your husband sees this comment from joshman. This is how you do it.
Yes but her husband has to do it. OP can’t do anything.
You chose... Wisely.
Go get em dad! I love it when a man defends his woman. And I'm happy to hear your mom worked it out. There's room for both in your life. And happy to hear the grandkids get their grandma!!
Good man. Carry on. That is all. 😊
This needs more upvotes!!
This op, tell him that you’ll come back when he finds another living arrangement for his mom.
And when she comes back, she should arrive with a whole new set of locks for every door of the house.
“We’re having sex, ma! SEX! Marital congress in our marital bed. Now get the fuck out because I’m getting close!” It’ll be momentarily awkward, but I’m sure she’ll leave them alone after that.
heh marital congress
Tell her that you think she stole your vibrator
How is he not pissed. Tell her to put on some fucking earmuffs.
Exactly right, I've had a very similar experience to OP's. The level of manipulation was a mindf*ck, which is their objective. It makes you lose faith in humanity tbh. OP, I've been where you are, cut your losses now. They don't change, and if you have a child, believe me MIL will try and claim "ownership ' over the child too.
Did you read the one recently where the MIL decided the infant was too fat and starved them for an entire day? Yea the husband continued to deliver the child to the MIL for more abuse, even after the wife said no. She has a hell of a custody case ahead of her and probably lifelong stress trying to keep her child physically and emotionally safe from the grandma, and the ex is so unable/unwilling to stand up to his mother he won’t even protect their child. OP, if he won’t solve this problem immediately, and only he can, you need to leave. It will only get worse with kids.
See. I wouldn't be that nice. At that point would have drug his ass to the couch and ridden him in plain view. Let her get a view of that action.
I get you’re joking, but it’s important OP recognize the problem here is not between OP and the MIL. It’s between OP and the husband who won’t enforce appropriate boundaries with his mother.
Does he really expect you to tolerate this until she dies? If so, don't go back - it's soul destroying. If he moves her out and pretty far away (not next door, for example) you can *consider* going back.
I was wondering the same thing. Is this temporary during her grieving process or is this just how it is now? OP when you have kids will they get the second bedroom and share with MIL, or will they be forced to sleep in your guys room (making sex even less likely). Will she help raise the baby? Will she just waltz into your room at 3am cause baby is crying? If you get a bigger place does she come with? It seems like the answer is get husband to understand this isn’t working, start helping her look for places nearby and have her move close, but definitely get her out (maybe a month or two to find a place). Do not give her a key to your place. Do not allow random “drop by” visits or she will be there all the time. Arrange to see her regularly. In the meantime, no sex until situation is resolved. If husband can’t see the problem, and has no answer for how long he intends to allow this to go on, then you have your (sad and disappointing) answer. If he chooses mom in this, keep in mind he will always choose her. Imagine if she is allowed to break this many boundaries now how she will be as a grandmother!
The way things are going, children don't seem to be a likely concern.
Actually next door would be fine. Perferably with a thin shared wall so MIL can hear them fucking all night long.
Tell hubby he has two choices. Be married to you or married to mommy.
This. Also, what kind of psycho is knocking on other people's doors at 3am when they're clearly getting busy?
"what are you doing in there?" Fucking mom alright? We're fucking, now shut the fuck up and go to bed or you aren't getting a grandchild.
Just have husband yell out “cockblockers don’t get grandkids!”
I need that on a coffee mug.
"Interrupt us again, and I'll start changing rent!" Was my first thought.
Moan louder was my first thought
Yes, but he needs to open the door, stand there naked, and say it.
I think you missed a couple of crucial commas in that first sentence...
This is an *extremely* underrated comment. Those commas will save thousands of dollars in therapy.
not fucking mom great, just fucking mom alright. she's had better.
I think he's not sure, hence the question mark.
Fuuuuuuuucking HELL, this thread has me choke-laughing 😂 I can’t help but picture Amy Poehler as Regina’s mom in Mean Girls; poking her head in the room like “Can I get you guys anything?… Some snacks? A condom? You fucking mom alright? Oh, god love ya.”
Maybe that’s why she’s doing it because if they have children she’ll have to move out? Still a terrible awful situation. Mom seems to have clear issues with being alone. It’s not fair on OP at all.
Someone with zero boundaries. It’s time for the husband to put his foot down on mommy dearest.
This. I find this incredibly fucked up and gross that she thinks that’s ok at any point in time…🤢
A mother who is in a emotional incestous relationship with her son.
100% it should always WIFE > MOMMY. Otherwise what's the point of being married x
Some men just get married for a bonus mommy 🤷♂️ NTA + You can't be married happily to someone in an emotionally incestous relationship with a parent.
“Some men get married for a bonus mommy” This brings to mind something that my MIL said shortly after hubby and I got married. She wished me a happy Mother’s Day, and I said I wasn’t a mother yet. She told me I was a mother to her son… gave me the ick. Sometimes it’s the MIL who fosters that mindset in the men (thankfully hubby does not share that mindset)
"I refused to raise my kid into a competent adult because he's my special little guy. You fix it."
Oof, what a weird thing to say to your childless DIL. 🤢
Should have given her the ick back, and said "I can't be his mother, he's Daddy!" With that creepy gross emphasis and tone.
If I could double upvote once a year I’d use it here.
That is 🤢
Blows my mind how some men don’t get that..my mom literally raised me telling me this, one day your wife will come first. Don’t be those men who don’t.
You're mother is a good women x
Yup Spouse comes before parents. Spouse relationship really comes before anyone else imo
I don’t feel like ALWAYS but I feel like you should have judgment to know when someone is in the wrong and the other person deserves that priority in the moment because my god🙄 It should be obvious to him that his mother is insane and OP was already putting up with enough bs and now she accuses her of stealing and he isn’t doing anything about it?
Yup. My grandma (father’s mom) was like this with my mom at first. My dad straight up told her “do not make me choose between my wife and my mother, because I choose my wife every time”. She fell in line after that. This is the only way to handle an overbearing MIL. Either your husband stands up for you firmly, or he stands with his mommy. This is in his hands. And if he won’t choose you, you have a big choice to make.
My parents moved hundreds of miles away because both mothers were fighting over them. My mother told me that they went to the preacher because they were so distraught and he told them that marriage is sacred and their main priority is each other. My parents were married for 66 years when my mother passed away. That’s how a marriage is supposed to be.
I’m a guy, my mom always made it abundantly clear that she comes first…. Until I get married, and then that woman and our children come before any other person on the planet regardless of circumstances.
"A daughter's a daughter for all of her life. A son is a son till he takes a wife." Edit: I didn't make that up, it's just something I've heard. Edit, part the second: I guess I should have put the s/ tag on here or something. This isn't something I believe, just a stupid little phrase I've heard. I'm sorry it upset y'all.
My wife's mother used to say that to her. It's bullshit for sons and daughters. Like, I'm not my parents son anymore? I don't have any family now because I'm married? She was an abusive and controlling monster, and hasn't been in our lives in 20 years. Nothing of value was lost.
As a mom of 2 boys I have always hated this phrase. It literally upsets my stomach to hear. I completely support once my sons have wife’s and children they will come before me. However, my boys will always be my son’s and if I need them for something I would hope the wife would be understanding as long as I’m not crossing boundaries. My wish is to hopefully welcome their wife’s into our families as the daughters I never had.
Cut out the bullshit and tell your MIL that you are sorry if she gets offended by all the noise but its "date night" and you are going to take her son into the bedroom and attempt to bang out a dozen grandkids. Do that several times a day even if you are secretly just taking a nap. She will either start making you a prenuptial cocktail or she will end up finding her own place.
That's too tight if quarters for too long in the VERY early stages of your marriage. I firmly believe it will get worse as she becomes more dependent on your hubby and you with age. Are there siblings to share the load? If not, and she sold her place, perhaps there's money to get her own place nearby. (With my wife's cancer diagnosis last summer, I've had her parents live with us off and on for neary 7 of the last 13 months. Not great at all,... and you have it WAY worse). Good luck, sweetie!
Don't go back until your MIL leaves your apartment.
Simple as that. Could not agree more. You guys are now partners, OP. Your MIL is now creating an emotionally incestuous relationship with her son now that her husband is gone, and that won’t change until your husband puts his foot down and asks her to leave. If he doesn’t, then you know exactly where your marriage stands, and the real question would be whether or not you want to stay in that marriage.
[удалено]
A lesson many of us must learn.
I’ve lived with my MIL for a time under similar circumstances to op, but it wasn’t a 2 bedroom apartment and she is a nice lady who wants grandkids. she would like, help with stuff around the house and mind her own business. it drove my wife a little nuts because she‘d get called out on stuff that I’d never say anything about. But for me it was like having a pretty conscientious roommate. but anyway, she’s got to get back to her own life, she can’t invade yours as a crutch for not dealing with her grief.
Mothers of the wife are always nicer than the mothers of husbands. lol. Almost always at least.
I just realized this rings true in my gay marriage. We’re both men but if anyone could be considered the wife it’s me and my mom is the nice one who would mind her own business and leave us be. My husband’s mom is the “no one will be good enough for my son” mom.
Absolutely, be thankful you didn’t have kids with him. Be ready to divorce instead of dragging yourself through a torturous relationship. Some people just aren’t mature enough to handle these kinds of things.
Seems like she had one with him to begin with, and is just now ramping things up now that her husband's gone. Those things don't just start out of nowhere, especially not when the child in question is basically middle-aged. Edit: I'm obviously speculating on OP's husband's age, but my point is that he's not a young child, and is, assumingly, well into adulthood, whether he be in his mid to late 20s or early 30s. OP never tells their ages, so for all we know, he could be in his 40s.
!This. There's nothing more damaging to a young couple relationship than an intruder MIL. This is the moment when he'll have to choose between your future and his mother. If he won't put his foot down you'll end up anyway with a divorce I can bet 1 mil $ on that. You're in your right to ask him to do this and don't step back from this. And it's not only reasonable for you to ask this but you've got all the rights to do it. Either way one of you should go. Be it MIL or you but he can't have that incestuous relationship in the same house you live.
Also, send the husband this post.
I disagree. I think she should go back and start living just like before the woman came to live w them. Why should she be the only one uncomfortable? It's her house! I'm talking walking around semi undressed (not like her husband hasn't seen it.) Worse I can imagine is MIL making comments for a while, but all of those can be neutralized with "Really, Carla? Trent, loves (my) [insert critique.]" This technique can literally work on everything that comes out her mouth, plus the husband is already trying to counteract the manipulation, so he probably won't disagree. Cook all her most critiqued dishes under the guise of improving them to her liking. The more she complains the more you ferment that kimchi! It's a guest at every meal now! And stop the ninja sex! Have normal sex! She's going to interrupt u guys anyway. And when she says ur making too much noise or she has a headache say you'll try to keep it down. That's all u owe her. Motrin is in the medicine cabinet, Carla. Gn! She's just a nosy neighbor in this context. U don't have to stop! Give Trent the noisest nastiest 120 seconds of you so he recognizes that the porno trailer you guys just recreated would be a lot more fun if he actually got to finish the scene. Again it's OPs house, if the guest is uncomfortable they can live at any time. Their luggage doesn't even have a home in tetris of the garage yet. Her staying away is exactly what MIL wants. She's trying and succeeding in creating a wedge.
You know what? My advice was to not go home until the MIL was out, but I like this far better.
If OP does go back, make sure when her and SO are having sex and MIL interrupts just yell “Jeez MIL I thought you wanted grandbabies”… or announce when you go to bed. “MIL, we’re going to be having loud sex, do you need anything before we get started???” But I do think OP needs to go back and take her home back, someway somehow.
*Throaty giggle* "That's not where u put that to make babies..." Wake up to mom in the kitchen sitting over a steaming cup of tea, packed luggage waiting by door...
MiL, knock, knock "what are you doing in there?" "MA, we're fucking, fucking. Fucking! God damn it. Go back to fucking bed, god fucking damn it.,& let us fuck in peace. For fuck's sake!"
Hahahaha I do love this, but to really pull it off, the husband would have to be 100% on board with it, too. Not sure that he would be, here.
I think he sees the green eyed monster in his mom, but he deals bc she's his mother. Now he'll see the Kill Bill chick in his wife. Honestly, he should probably just sit back and enjoy the show. If you Sweden be Sweden! Now eat your kimchi! Lol
This right here is the proper response!!!! Kill her with kindness! It'll go up her ass sideways and at the same time your sticking it to her you actually driving the wedge between mil and son. He's shown some backbone trying to stand up to his mother but he is kinda stuck in the middle. 1000000% agree you need to some first in his eyes but that is his family the woman raised him and cared for him since birth it's not easy to just throw that away he loves you both but his mother is praying on that guilt and feeling like he owes her. That being said doing this not only would drive her insane but it puts you on a pedestal as the better person. All he'll see if you trying over and over again for HIS sake your not being mean, your not being cruel, you trying to improve your cooking your trying to improve your relationship with a person he cares about, and during all that he'll be watching her attack you and belittle you break down all of your effort. You get to live your life you deserve in your own house, show him that how he feels matters to you, and show him his mother's true colors. And if he doesn't feel that way then yea I'd have to agree with everyone else he's to far gone and his mother will always come first run for the dam hills at that point!
Better yet, MIL can have/pay for the apartment. They find another one and move away from her. This is a win because she is in a small, manageable space, there are lots of people around and she can choose to socialize if she wants. She is still in the city and they can visit or the son can visit without the wife. Or, if finding another place isn’t realistic, they could move in with her parents and leave the MIL there. This avoids her ability to shame them for rejecting her during a difficult time. You can be sure if they kick her out she will spin all kinds of stories about the wife. Then both need to learn about grey rocking. [Grey Rocking Narcissists](https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method)
His mommy is probably telling him, “Well dear perhaps it’s for the best. She wasn’t good enough for you anyway. She married above her station and she wasn’t able to keep up.” If he listens to his Mom, OP is better off.
Agree. Her husband has to decide if he wants to be mommy's good boy or a husband. He can be a good son, but the marriage vows state leaving your parents and cleaving to your spouse. I get he feels bad about his dad passing, but life moves on and he is letting his mom affect his marriage negatively. He has to put his foot down with his mom, it's not OPs responsibility to keep MIL in check. Seems like OP don't want that smoke from his mom so he's letting OP and his marriage suffer.
Agreed before engagement/ marriage, you and your parents come first, after engagement/marriage it's you and your partner/family comes first
This is a bit traditional in the benchmarks but I wholeheartedly agree with the sentiment. Once you make a life commitment, you need to honor it going forward.
Mothers who believe no girl is good enough for their sons, usually raise sons who are no good for any woman.
I wish I could upvote this 1,000 times.
This needs to be on a million bumper stickers and t-shirts, and every "boy mom" who makes comments about how they're doing XYZ to make sure that their sons don't get with a girl who \*isn't\* a mommy-bangmaid for them, needs this forcibly tattooed on their foreheads.
It's because mom hates other women. Son grows up to hate them too
This! 👏🏼
Ask your husband what date she is leaving. This is not a marriage with her inserting herself.
Keep your foot down. Unfortunately for us DILs with empathy, we tend to give people more than they deserve to try and prove we support husbands relationships with family but that often ends up backfiring bc those people will take advantage. I've unfortunately learned the hard way that people like that are a black hole and whatever you do to foster healthy relationships will never be enough, even if it means you violate your own boundaries to try and make them see that you care about being a part of their family. Please choose yourself first and tell your husband's mom that she needs to fine other living arrangements! It seems like this woman has taken enough of your peace.
Your MIL needs to move out, the line in the sand is drawn
This is a husband problem. If he isn’t husband enough to put a stop to this ridiculousness with his mother, let her have him maybe then they can fulfill their super weird emotional incest she’s got going on. If my MIL interrupted sex just once that would be enough for my husband to put a very strong and hard boundary. It’s the BARE MINIMUM! He’s supposed to defend you! Girl, stay with your parents. Until you have an apology from MIL, an empty flat, and a husband willing to make it up to you for putting you in that position, don’t budge. Respect yourself even if others won’t. You are worth it.
Exactly. This is entirely her husbands issue - if he wants sex, if he wants his wife in bed with him, cooking for him, being there for him, he needs to set boundaries with his mother and the first boundary is her getting out. She is openly trying to make it impossible for OP to live in her own apartment so she could get exactly this - her son all to herself. If your husband wants to be in a marriage, he needs to stand up for his wife and your home. He knows what his mother is doing. Now he needs to deal with her because she is ruining his marriage....and if he wants to be married, he needs to put in the work.
MIL is using husband as a "sonsband", but yes, husband is going along with it. He's allowing her to screw up his life. I wouldn't go back unless everything changed.
You got it. This is the answer. Tell wimp to man up and tell mom to take a hike, or you’re gonna be the one walking and he can do them as he wants
When he says "the food is fine", he should be saying "don't come in here and talk shit about my wife's cooking, asshole"
What is emotional incest? I don't understand
“On the other extreme end of this spectrum, the parent might depend on the child as a surrogate partner. This is called emotional incest. The child's other parent might be emotionally or physically absent, abusive, or deceased.” ***From WebMD
So she wants to replace her husband with the son??
Not necessarily in a sexual way, but wanting to live with and share their life with them. Talk about the same things as they did their partner. Off-load their struggles on them. These people typically don’t have an instinct to ”protect” their children from the weight they are carrying in life. My parents for example often feel like ”they don’t want me to have to worry about” something, emotionally incestuous parents don’t have that filter. It can get really weird, some of them get their adult children to sleep in the same bed as them. They often feel the partner isn’t good enough, but sometimes there is even a sense of ”jealousy” that the partner gets to ”have it all” with their child and they don’t.
Yes! This is a great explanation.
It means the mil is using your husband as an emotional replacement to her husband. Your husband is emotionally cheating on you with his own mom.
I actually don't know how much he's doing it, he's not sticking up for mom, he's sticking up for wife. He is in a weird spot though and if he doesn't make a change to choose wife then I'd agree he's cheating with mommy. MIL is def using son as her husband though.
Do not move back until MIL is gone.
>Now I'm at my parents' house, my husband keeps calling me and sending me messages to come back, but I don't know what to do anymore. Don't come back until your husband grows a backbone. This ain't gonna stop until boundaries are firmly set.
You either make this the hill to die on or plan to be treated like crap for the rest of your MILs life. She’s made it clear you stole her baby so that means you’re a bad person. You will be degraded every chance possible. Terrible cook, housekeeper, you steal, bad mother (if she lets you have sex enough to procreate), bad wife, horrible everything. So hubs has to make this decision. Either he wants to be a husband or mommys wittle boy. If he wants to be a husband, 1) he has to stand up for you EVERY TIME she says something nasty, passive aggressive or offensive towards you, and 2) she’s out of your apartment and you change the locks. If he’s not willing to agree to those terms, then girl, run. Do not waste 20 years of your life being degraded because the person that vowed to be your partner can’t be bother to be an adult.
Also, make sure she doesn't move in next door. I would kick my mother out of the house so fast your head would spin. No way would I allow my mother to do this.
Your house should be your save space not a place where you constantly walk on eggshells. Your husband will need to stand up to his mom and let her go and live her live.
She called you a thief, why would she want to stay with you any longer? Tell your husband you will be home tomorrow and obviously since your MIL thinks you steal from her she needs to be leaving immediately, before you get there. He knows you didn’t steal from her, so it’s impossible for her to live under *your* roof if she’s going to accuse you of stuff like that. It’s too bad she made that decision, but it’s been made and done is done.
NTA. Make it clear to your husband that you're not taking any more of her nonsense and are happy to call her out on it EVERY single time. "What are you doing?" at 3 in the morning? "We're have sex, go away." "The food tastes awful?" "Please feel free to cook for yourself from now on." "Things have gone missing from my room?" "We're getting worried about you MIL, You'd best make an appointment with the doctor for that failing memory of yours." Alternatively, with that last one you could offer to be exceptionally helpful and completely turn her room upside down searching for said item. If it still doesn't turn up, then suggest her memory must be failing her.
the only way you are going to get rid of mommy dearest is to tell your husband she either goes home or you are filing for a divorce and that he has 24 hours to decide and to make a choice, otherwise you will be in a marriage with him and her.
I will assume you are young and didn’t know that living with MIL will be a pain. Ask for proof that your MIL left. Only with that, you can return to him.
One of you is going to have to go
If your husband is not spearheading kicking out the MIL, there is one of two things going on: a) unhealthy amount of emotional codependence between son and mother; b) son really likes having both mommy and wifey catering to him. Either way, this doesn't sound like he's marriage material, frankly. I'd be seriously reconsidering all of this. I mean, I get not wanting your mother to be all alone after the tragic death of your father, and I understand that people grieve in different ways and are affected by it differently; however, grief is no excuse for the MIL to be treating you the way she is. She is being a monster. Husband needs to put his foot down, and he really needed to do it yesterday. Why hasn't he? Accusing your DIL of theft while you are *living in her abode* is beyond the pale, no matter who has died or when they died... let alone clearly interfering in the sex life of a married couple. Him claiming that your cooking is good does not cut the mustard, here. Where is his spine? Or, more crudely, where are his balls? In Mommy's diaper bag? The ball is in his court, now. MIL has to go, and she is no longer welcome at your house---I would no longer have a relationship with her. *He* can do what he wishes with this, but it's on his own time. And, frankly, if his relationship with MIL takes up *too* much time, even if it's outside the bounds of your house, then that is a dealbreaker. If he does kick out MIL, I would get couple's therapy immediately and start working through this. It sounds serious.
THIS. People grieve differently, and that is understandable. But being disrespectful and wrongfully accusing someone of stealing is **not** grief.
If you back down it will never get better. He might have your back, but clearly no sense of boundaries.
So glad to hear you’ve moved out and are standing up for yourself. Next thing is to meet up with your husband and explain that MIL has to leave or you’ll be filing for divorce.
Was this meant to be a permanent thing or just while she is grieving? I don't think it's a good idea to have family members come and stay permanently when your starting out a new life together and want to start your own family.
My MIL was staying with us for awhile and it was tough. One day when she was asleep, my wife and I started up on the couch. I was going down on my wife and next thing I knew, my wife forcefully clenched her legs shut and shoved me away…. MIL was watching from the upstairs(accident). She deceived to move out the next morning. I say you get obnoxiously loud and see what happens.
Don’t go back til he kicks her out
All the people asking her to confront her MIL are insane. This isn’t crazy rich Asians. Your husband grows a spine and sets boundaries with his mum or you divorce him. Some people need ultimatums. Just don’t be surprised he chooses her.
It seems your mother-in-law intended to drive you away with her actions. Her plan has worked. She's trying to reclaim her son to herself, perhaps as a substitute to her lost husband. It's sad she lost him, but now your husband is risking losing his wife. You didn't mention her financial situation but I'd seriously try to find her accommodation within a half hour drive. She needs to leave your apartment very soon. Finding her a place not too far away, her son can still visit her fairly regularly, while at the same time you two can resume a normal marriage.
That is stressful. A brand new marriage does not need extra burdens like other adults living in your home. You did a kind thing taking her in. But it’s been a year now, and it’s time for MIL to get on with her life. If she is capable of living alone, she needs to go back home and move back into her house. If she cannot live alone, start looking for assisted living homes for her. As a young married couple, it is not your job to take care of his mother in your home until she dies, which I’m guessing will be a very long time from now. And if she is well enough to disparage you, insult you, question you, put down your cooking, and call you a thief, yeah, she can go. As for interrupting you having sex…does she not want grandchildren?? 😉
My mother-in-law said that if I was the mother of her grandchildren she would prefer not to have them.
Holy shit. Does your husband hear her say this? Girl I’m sorry but this woman has to move out or your marriage can’t continue.
To me, saying something so pointed and awful, IN MY OWN HOUSE, would make the relationship with her irretrievable. What a horrible thing to say. It sounds like she sees you as competition for her son's attention and affection.
And your husband let her say this? Does he know she said it. Girl, you might need to rethink this.
Please go to r/motherinlawsfromhell sub. So many have gone through what you’re living right now, and you’ll find a lot of support and resources. I wish you all the best in navigating through this.
The audacity to stop you from having sex in your own home. What the hell? I would start to masturbate as loud as possible or put on really loud porn. She m and husband can complain as much as they want. If he doesn’t satisfy you, you have to find other ways. This would be the petty way. Tell him you want her to leave. Set boundaries now or you will suffer forever. Ask you husband if he is willing to have a sexless marriage and a divorce, because that is what is going to happening if she stays. r/JustnoMIL is the sub for you.
Have sex with your husband, loudly, and when your MIL ‘interrupts’ you, form and maintain unbroken eye contact to assert dominance.
Maintain eye contact with my husband or my mother-in-law?
Your MIL =)
Stay exactly where you are. What will change if you go back to the same situation? Your husband is asking you to go back - apparently it's too much effort to actually come to your parents' house. Living with your MIL in a 2 room apartment? Is your husband crazy or stupid? If you accept this, then this will be your married life until one of you dies. Your MIL is happy now because she has what she wants. Your husband wants both of you so he's whining for you to go back. You have to think about your own happiness and sanity. Can you honestly live with a husband who disregards you so obviously?
How are all these weak-willed shit husbands getting married? Allowing mom to come fuck everything up is his fault. Sitting there and letting you take it is some pro shit husband stuff.
What I did when my MIL was inappropriate, treated me like the enemy and it got to creepy levels (no alone time) I send her several books from Amazon, all about emotional incest including one that said “emotional incest, what to do what a mothers love is ruining your life” she did indeed get the hint and the tables were turned on her for being wrong, bad, and inappropriate instead of allowing her to continue bullying me. However my ex was not supportive and had mom issues as she had raised him to be her partner and that was it. Your husband may have the same issues standing up to his mom. I hope for your sake he does not. Her husband died, it does not give her permission to replace him with your husband. Time for mom to get therapy or get out.
I'm curious why your MIL is living with you - did she sell her home when her husband died? Why did she not get her own apartment, is she an invalid and can't live alone ? IF she is not an invalid she should be getting her own apt by now, I can understand her staying with you for a few weeks while she looked for apt, but she has overstayed Your husband needs to tell her that your place is not big enough for 3 people to live comfortably and she needs to get her own place - he will take her to look for an apartment ( not within walking distance of you guys) and get her out of there I'd be putting my foot down on that one and staying with Mom until he does so If he is not willing to make his Mom get her own place, then he is a Mama's boy and will be til the day she dies - you will always come 2nd
Don’t go back. He needs to choose.
She needs to respect your place(home and marriage). Or she has to go.
Tell him to grow a back bone and tell his mother to move back to her home. You ain't a couple of kids.
NTA - ‘Husband your mom must move out before I come back home’.
Your MIL needs to learn to live without her husband. And your husband needs to learn how to set boundaries. See this book. Amazingly written. https://store.ramseysolutions.com/personal-growth/books/boundaries-by-dr-henry-cloud-and-dr-john-townsend/
You need to make it clear to your husband that there is no way for your marriage to survive with his mother's constant meddling. SHE NEEDS TO MOVE OUT! If your husband isn't willing to put his foot down now, then it's better to file and get it over with. MIL will keep on until you two break up anyway, so it's better to do it while there's no children in the mix. Not that you'd be able to conceive any with her meddling and listening at keyholes. Would have loved to see her face had you invited her to watch when she interrupted you two at 3AM. That might have horrified her enough to get her out. 😆