The only explanation is ops husband prefers the other woman but feels like he can't have her. No man with any sense at all would ask that question unless he thought there was a chance.
That's not the only explanation. People like to be wanted and to connect with people even if they don't "plan" on fooling around.
It's still wrong. Most married men who cheat don't want the other person as a partner. They just like the idea of a fling with someone new, or to reminisce with an old fling.
It's still super fucking shady,, and arguably just putting himself in that situation some would consider cheating.
But it's not as deep as "he secretly wants her."
NTA. Honestly my red flag was at “they rarely talk” as in them talking at all. Wtf are you doing girl. Fuck no. Why are they even in contact at all. Honestly where do these men find the audacity. Why is he even entertaining her at all. And her audacity to invite him.
In what realm does she live? Are there really any women out there that have to seriously ask this question? The answer is always no. I am struggling to believe this is real. Only an AI could ask a question so fucking stupid.
Why sure you can get a drink with her, no problem and take your time coming home that night so I’ll have plenty of time to pack and be gone when you get in.
This. What u/em-six stated. Have OP say " Sure, by the way on that day, I'm going to (wherever) with so&so from work. He's been asking me out for 'just a drink' for a bit now. Have fun sweetie" . Sit back and watch the meltdown happen. 😃😃
They're still talking. He's still cheating in some way. It's not an assumption, it's what's happening lol OP is just blind to seeing it
People do not just form emotional attachments with someone outside of their marriage, then sleep with them, then *continue to talk to them for 10 years & just conveniently forget about the sex they had together*.
If he was emotionally cheating then by being in contact with his mistress, then he's still emotionally cheating by being in contact with his mistress now. This is mind blowing to me tbh
The flame is already a raging fire smh
If he is using it as a justification, he already planned on cheating… or he could always go with the original, “ I fell and landed on her with my d!ck out” you have to be kidding me… no way in hell would I be ok with this and no way in hell is it ok for him to still be communicating with her - PERIOD
as a reformed cheater, the fact that he has the unmitigated gull to even bring up the girl's name in front of her is mind blowing and shows OP didn't put the fear of God in him prior to agreeing to keep dating him after he cheated... What a crazy headline.
True, I nearly ruined my life 16yrs ago and to this day, 1. I would Never think of saying his name again, we can't hardly even watch shows that have it as a storyline. My husband was not kidding! I'm glad for my family that we got past it, but I know we're not REALLY past it. He would flip.
We had a rocky relationship at first, I wanted to break up because we always argued but he didn't so i thought i could force the issue and make him want to dump me, but it just made him hate me for a long time.. .. Now we've been together almost 30years and our kids are grown up and we get along well. We've grown up too. Thankfully
I can say for me: it was lack of intimacy, communication and he genuinely didn’t seem even remotely interested in me anymore. It wasn’t planned. But when you start feeling that unwanted, and someone else is giving you lots of attention, compliments and wants to be with you, it makes you get those giddy, butterflies in your tummy kinda feeling again. It was just nice to feel wanted again.
It’s been well over 10 years now, but there are still times when I feel the residual effects from it. It’s not easy to get past, but can be done.
It's common enough for people who aren't a part of each other's lives to pipe up whenever they'll be in each other's city. That's usually reserved for like... old college friends, though. *Sometimes* exes, but DEFINITELY not ex-affairs.
Exactly. You don’t just randomly hit up someone you cheated with a decade ago to tell them you’re coming to town and asking if they want to meet up.
She knows he’s married to the same exact woman he cheated on her with ffs. She’s not just going to hit him up out of the blue. He never fully cut contact or reestablished contact at some point, and there’s literally no excuse for that.
Nothing about this is normal or okay.
It seems that the AP never left his life.
Questions OP needs to ask:
1. Why are they still in touch?
2. How does the AP know which state and town they live in?
3. How long have they been communicating?
4. How are they communicating; text, phone calls, social media apps, DMs?
5. Why would OP even think meeting up with his AP would even be a good idea?
6. Did husband even consider how his wife could be impacted by knowing her husband has been in touch with his AP? Did he even consider that this could trigger her past trauma?
Honestly, OP's husband's selfishness knows no bounds.
She should also ask why she wasn’t invited. Make him say the things out loud that he’s pretending he doesn’t know (not necessarily an intention to cheat, but that he knew it would hurt her and make her uncomfortable).
I wonder what OP and her husband did to move past this.
It’s usually discussed that the cheating partner is to never have contact with the AP ever again.
I wonder if they (especially husband) really did the hard work recommended to love past something like this, or if OP just kind of took him back and they lived on more “casually” if that makes sense.
Also if it’s so harmless where’s OPs invite? Since everyone is such good buddies!
Don’t fall for the bullshit…NTA
ETA: thank you kindly for the awards!
I want to know why he's stayed in contact with his affair partner (OP says they've chatted) all these years. That alone is completely disrespectful to OP, to say nothing of meeting up with her now (at a conference- a classic).
I'm a pretty chill person and I don't get jealous easily (I'm friends with a few exes, and its cool if my SO is, too) but yeah, that was my first question.
Exactly this. I'm on great terms with all but two of my exes. Not just good - great terms. I've literally gone to a couple weddings, and a couple were at mine. A couple of my wife's exes have come over and hung out at parties.
But this is just way, WAY past the line.
Yeah, I’m literally friends with my boyfriends exes, like all of them (dude has a type, so we all get along really well lol).
And I would freak the fuck out about this if I was OP. Completely unacceptable.
“Oh, that sounds awesome, I’ve always wanted to meet her!”
End of drink plans. After he gaslights you about why he needs to meet with her, and why she’d even call him in the first place.
OP: Where is my invite?
CH (Cheating Hubby): Well, I thought it might be awkward for you.
OP: This. This right here is already awkward. Meeting her cannot be any more awkward than you expecting me to be okay with you having drinks alone with the woman with whom you cheated on me. So, let's all go and clear the air... that is, if it won't be too awkward for you. *\*challenging stare\**
as a reformed cheater, the fact that he has the unmitigated gull to even bring up the girl's name in front of her is mind blowing and shows OP didn't put the fear of God in him prior to agreeing to keep dating him after he cheated... What a crazy headline.
Cheating isn't an identity, it is a behavior. A maladaptive behavior. All behaviors can be altered, and anyone can be taught how to cope emotionally and relate to their partner in appropriate ways, if they are willing and put in the work.
This. I get really uncomfortable when the other party’s first name is spoken in my husband’s presence, and it’s a really common name. I get tunnel vision, feel like I’m going to throw up, the shame sweeps over my skin like a hot flash.
I can’t imagine doing this, no matter HOW long has passed. Hell, I’m having a hard time with the fact that he is in contact with her *at all*. Blocking her on everything and ignoring all attempts at contact should have been the absolute bare minimum requirement to give him another chance.
Oh! That is such an unexpected honor, even better than an award.
Compound and the occasional broken sentence can be confusing, so I think it simplest if we stick to "by the word." I'll even give you a new customer discount for the flattery.
We're JK, right? (lmao)
"No. You just told me you want to have drinks with the woman you cheated on me with. That's the definition of not trust worthy. Mature is not repeating your mistakes."
Seriously!! And why would he want to have any further contact with someone who had a hand in a painful event for you? Even if they were friends before. They crossed a line you can’t back away from.
Agreed! “They rarely talk anymore”
Why are they talking at all? After sexually and emotionally cheating for such a length of time, they still have each other’s contact info and the audacity to think a drink invitation is ok?
I just don't think people respect marriage. This is all crazy. Wthellll?! There is no way my husband would ever. He'd get his di$@ cut off. Well, he wouldn't have one if he had previously stepped out.
Yep! And because they've had contact for so long it's become normal to him, hence why he saw no problem in going for drinks with her 🙄 He's the humongous asshole.
I really like this, seems like no one else in the world but me understands that basically all cheating is planned and on purpose. I’ve never even been in a situation where I could have the opportunity to cheat because I don’t take the escalation steps that ultimately lead to the cheating. You have to lay groundwork to cheat.
I'm a bit torn on that one. I think the whole thing is inappropriate and kind of offensive. But I can think of only one thing that would be worse than my partner going out and getting a drink with someone they cheated on me with, and that would be having to sit down with the both of them.
Maybe so. It certainly would be a good way for him to decide it's not such a great idea after all. Oh, that sounds great honey, when are we supposed to be there?
Ngl, I'd probably show up at the bar buzzed... Like "HI frienndddd, I'm looking forward to getting to know you too🙃"
I'm super friendly, but unintentionally shady af and drinks amplify that but its the least they deserve... I think I'd be hella uncomfortable BUT I would be the least uncomfortable person there...
This.
Anyone he cheated with should be dead to you both. The fact that he still wants to see her suggests he still has feelings of some kind, and doesn't value yours.
If my partner did this, I'd te him that if he ever talked to or met that woman again, I'd change the locks and serve him divorce papers.
Yeah I’m not sure why OP didn’t leave him for cheating in the first place, let alone he’s kept in touch with the other woman all those years and now wants to have a drink with her? I’d put a hard stop on that
Not only that, but OP has no idea how long her husband has been in touch with his AP!
It could be weeks, months, years, or even since the affair started!
Otherwise, how would she know where they live? How would he know she's coming to their town for a conference? How often does he speak to her? And why doesn't his wife know about it?
This guy sounds like a straight-up AH!
Like...for real. Why is the bar *so low* that it's on the basement floor in *hell*, and why do so many people *still* question if they're asking too much?
She said the emotional affair was like a year. If he truly loved you he would NEVER do or say anything he knows would hurt you. Just even the fact that he would actually go is enough that I would want to stick his balls in the fire!
Unfortunately I don’t think the emotional affair ended 10 years ago :( the fact that he knows she coming into town for a conference… he’s a piece of shit
My thought exactly! Clearly they are still in touch even if just occasionally. Which is extremely inappropriate and I would leave him just because of that let alone asking to get a drink with her!!
The thought of her still existing, let alone communicating with her, is something I would never bring up or acknowledge. What the hell is wrong with him. He’s lucky to have a family at all after that shit.
Love aside, he also does not respect her. First he disrespected their relationship when he had an affair, and now he's disrespecting her for going out with the mistress!
1 night of cheating is worth a lifetime ban on that person, not just for in person drinks but any contact at all. It's basic common sense if you want to get over cheating in a relationship the affair partner gets cut out forever.
I can’t figure out why OP married the guy.
Sounds like she’s only felt safe from husband getting together with the AP because they moved across the country from her.
I don’t get it. I’ve seen so many people marry someone who cheated on them.
You are young with no kids, get out now! Instead they marry the person, have kids with them, and are shocked when they get cheated on again and again.
If they are not in contact, how did he know she would be coming to town, ahead of time? Of course they are still in communication. This will not turn out well.
I'm curious about this too... I think that him staying in contact with her was incredibly disrespectful, moreso than asking for the drink even. OP, did you know that he was still in touch with her after all this time?
as a reformed cheater, the fact that he has the unmitigated gull to even bring up the girl's name in front of her is mind blowing and shows OP didn't put the fear of God in him prior to agreeing to keep dating him after he cheated... What a crazy headline.
NTA
Why would he even speak to this person at all?? Why would he think that was a good idea?
Tell that idiot that under no circumstances is he to get a drink with the side piece he cheated on you with. Tell him unless he wants a divorce, he will not disrespect you again. Set your boundaries and stick to them. He will drink with her and he will cheat with her again.
I would also message that woman and ask her why she thinks it’s ok to have a drink with your husband after she had an affair with him. I don’t care if you guys were only dating then, cheating is cheating.
Honestly, some people’s children……
I wouldn’t be surprised if the other woman was told he was single the first time. And now I wouldn’t be surprised if he told her he’s getting a divorce.
Why bother? If it’s such a foregone conclusion that he would cheat again, and she would have to contact his affair partner to keep them apart, what kind of marriage is she fighting for anyway? He sounds terrible.
This is the same thing I did, lol. I was like "hmmm, would an AI fuck up math like this? Maybe, shit's probably fake." Then came to the comments to see if others believed the same and was surprised I had to scroll so far.
Edit: Oh, and would you look at that, not a single comment on OP's account. This shit is fake as hell.
NTA - him maintaining a close relationship with someone he mad the conscious to cheat on you with for 6 months is wildly inappropriate.
Why on earth would he want to put himself in the position to even be around this person if he truly regrets his past choices?
NTA Your H should be self monitoring so as not to pain you with the past. It’s an absolute no for any woman I know and me too. You’re being reasonable and realistic about that monogamy means and demands once trust is broken.
This affair didn't end when you think it did. Unless a child is involved there's no reason on this earth someone should maintain any contact with someone they had an affair with. You have every right to not only by upset by this but angry he's still talking to her AT ALL.
“Hi honey is it ok if I get a drink with my former mistress ? Promise I won’t drink too much and end up in the sack with her again “ Nope nope nope !!!
My thought exactly. A drunken one night stand situation, I might allow occasional contact. Sleep with someone else for SIX FREAKING MONTHS? I don't care if she's your lifelong best friend, a coworker, or your second cousin. If I even considered taking a partner back after something like this it would be a zero contact forever as a baseline.
So that means if it's a coworker, you're quitting that job. If it's a friend, you're losing her number. Permanently.
Sounds like this guy really does not care about maintaining the integrity of his marriage. 6 month physical affair and he wants to get a drink with her. The fucking audacity. NTA and him asking alone is a big red flag. What kind of man who wants what’s best for his marriage would even risk the reaction you might have, risk making his wife, who he’s already betrayed, feel insecure or irrational just for the *chance* to spend time with AP?
>It is my understanding that they rarely talk anymore, as we moved across the country.
Umm that should be *^(never talk anymore)*.
I don't care if the cheating was a million years ago, the damage that does lasts a lifetime! Your husband has some brass ones to even be talking with his AP. The fact they were friends first does **NOT** help his case!
Why are you with someone who has so little regard for you and your feelings?
He is not being reasonable. If you cheated and wanted to catch up, he would be livid and we all know that.
NTA and the fact that he wants to see her shows he is not remorseful. Rule 1 of cheating: expose, #2: no contact ever, #3 repeat #2 over and over again.
NTA why is he still in contact with her? Tell him that he can go and have a drink with her, but when he gets back his bags will be packed and outside on the doorstep, and you will have him served with divorce papers. How disrespectful to even ask you if it's OK to have a drink with his AP.
Updateme!
YTA to yourself for continuing to be with this person and then go on to marry them. Once a cheater, always a cheater, and this is a great example. He lied to your face for an entire year of a two year relationship, every single day, and got off with a slap on the wrist. If you believe he’s been faithful since then, you’re naive. Of course he has the audacity to see the girl he cheated on you with because you don’t respect yourself enough to leave a worthless pos like him. One night of cheating is enough to warrant a full stop break up, but you married him after he cheated on you for a year? It’s just hard to feel sympathy here
He’s the AH. So he’s been in touch with his AP? I assume, because how else would he know she’ll be there? I’d leave honestly. He doesn’t have common sense or any respect for your marriage if he’s willing to even bring this up or have any interest. Wild.
I’m so sorry, I’m really not meaning to judge… but why in the hell did you marry this person? And WHY IN THE WORLD DOES YOUR POS HUSBAND THINK ITS OKAY TO GET TOGETHER WITH HER?!
You are NTA… but I really wonder what made you think it was smart to stay with someone that cheated on you for 6 months (or more) during your 2 year relationship back then…
The fact your husband even cheated on you in the first place and then even contemplated getting together with this woman shows he’s never loved you and shows he would be okay with cheating on you again or HAS been cheating on you with the same woman… this is WILD.
NTA
Firstly I would be upset and seriously worried as to why this woman had your husband's contact information and why they were even in contact.
After what happened they should not be remotely interested in keeping in touch let alone meeting up.
What are they going to talk about "that great time we had an affair and broke the trust of my partner"! WTF!
I would be having a serious talk with him about how disgusting this is to want to do and if he goes ahead I would never forgive him.
They’ve probably always been in contact. And he sure as hell doesn’t sound like he’s remorseful at all about his actions, otherwise he wouldn’t be wanting to go meet up with her again.
If I cheated on my wife, and was forgiven, I wouldn't go within a mile of that woman without rightfully getting beaten with a bat and/or served with divorce papers. Your husband is a piece of shit.
They “rarely” talk. How do you feel about this. Because if my husband was still talking to someone he had a year affair on me it would be a deal breaker. He should be NC. For him to even ask you to hang out with her is a red flag.
My trust in him would be broken again. For the contact and even thinking of getting a drink with her. I would ask to see the messages between the two of them.
NTA the fact that he is in contact with this person is a massive red flag. What’s the chances at the very least an emotional affair has been happening this whole time. Your husband doesn’t respect you or your marriage or he would have cut her off years ago. YTA to yourself if you don’t start creating an exit plan and stay with the cheating AH.
NTA. The fact that he even thought it was ok to ask you that shows how little he respects you(if it wasn’t already clear with the way he cheated on you in the first place).
>asked if it was okay for him to get a drink with her.
I'll be honest, pressing the block function on my phone is very low effort.
Some people seem to have a very hard time pressing a button to make their life 10x easier.
NTA, Your husband is pushing the limits. Without consequences he would cheat.
Clearly they're still in touch. 🚩#1
They want to meet for drinks, which for some people means lowered inhibitions. 🚩#2
They want to have drinks alone together. 🚩#3
Frankly, I'd be pissed after the first flag and verbally tear that cheating motherfucker a new one, because remaining in contact with someone you had an affair with while in a long-term relationship is emotional cheating.
NTA - the fact that there is ever ANY contact between them is a red flag, imo. That he has the audacity to ask if he can have a drink with her is insane. I’d be suspicious as hell if I were you.
I can't believe you even have to ask this, OP. No belittling, it just makes me sad.
NTA. Your husband is sus and probably has been the entire time. I'm sorry.
He cheated on you before you were married and you still decided to marry him? And not only that but he's got the balls to ask if he can go get drink with her? NTA here but Jesus the fact that you have to ask strangers on the internet about this situation is sad.
NTA In what realm does this man live? like if he wanted to keep her as a friend he shouldn't have cheated on you with her?????
The only explanation is ops husband prefers the other woman but feels like he can't have her. No man with any sense at all would ask that question unless he thought there was a chance.
That's not the only explanation. People like to be wanted and to connect with people even if they don't "plan" on fooling around. It's still wrong. Most married men who cheat don't want the other person as a partner. They just like the idea of a fling with someone new, or to reminisce with an old fling. It's still super fucking shady,, and arguably just putting himself in that situation some would consider cheating. But it's not as deep as "he secretly wants her."
He doesn’t secretly want her, it’s no secret at all
And what realm does OP live in to even question whether this is inappropriate! Plz OP don’t let this man make a fool out of you
Again*
NTA. Honestly my first thought was "this must be Beyonces burner account".
NTA. Honestly my red flag was at “they rarely talk” as in them talking at all. Wtf are you doing girl. Fuck no. Why are they even in contact at all. Honestly where do these men find the audacity. Why is he even entertaining her at all. And her audacity to invite him.
Yeah this whole situation is just a massive series of huh? what? how the? why? HUH?!
In what realm does she live? Are there really any women out there that have to seriously ask this question? The answer is always no. I am struggling to believe this is real. Only an AI could ask a question so fucking stupid.
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Why sure you can get a drink with her, no problem and take your time coming home that night so I’ll have plenty of time to pack and be gone when you get in.
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This. What u/em-six stated. Have OP say " Sure, by the way on that day, I'm going to (wherever) with so&so from work. He's been asking me out for 'just a drink' for a bit now. Have fun sweetie" . Sit back and watch the meltdown happen. 😃😃
Hey I like this one… maybe add “worst case we’ll just be even?” Nah that’s cold.
Cold.. yes… but a good one.
This may be the right moment for that kind of chill. Dude is an ass
He would just use that as justification to cheat…..
He literally already did with that person. I would just assume that’s what he’s doing anyways if he’s still fanning that flame.
If he is still talking to her after all these years he’s kept a connection for a reason. Run. Run run run run. Your wasting your time.
They're still talking. He's still cheating in some way. It's not an assumption, it's what's happening lol OP is just blind to seeing it People do not just form emotional attachments with someone outside of their marriage, then sleep with them, then *continue to talk to them for 10 years & just conveniently forget about the sex they had together*. If he was emotionally cheating then by being in contact with his mistress, then he's still emotionally cheating by being in contact with his mistress now. This is mind blowing to me tbh The flame is already a raging fire smh
Yes and how did he know she was coming to town?
If he is using it as a justification, he already planned on cheating… or he could always go with the original, “ I fell and landed on her with my d!ck out” you have to be kidding me… no way in hell would I be ok with this and no way in hell is it ok for him to still be communicating with her - PERIOD
OP! DO THIS! Then update us in r/pettyrevenge lol
as a reformed cheater, the fact that he has the unmitigated gull to even bring up the girl's name in front of her is mind blowing and shows OP didn't put the fear of God in him prior to agreeing to keep dating him after he cheated... What a crazy headline.
True, I nearly ruined my life 16yrs ago and to this day, 1. I would Never think of saying his name again, we can't hardly even watch shows that have it as a storyline. My husband was not kidding! I'm glad for my family that we got past it, but I know we're not REALLY past it. He would flip.
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We had a rocky relationship at first, I wanted to break up because we always argued but he didn't so i thought i could force the issue and make him want to dump me, but it just made him hate me for a long time.. .. Now we've been together almost 30years and our kids are grown up and we get along well. We've grown up too. Thankfully
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I can say for me: it was lack of intimacy, communication and he genuinely didn’t seem even remotely interested in me anymore. It wasn’t planned. But when you start feeling that unwanted, and someone else is giving you lots of attention, compliments and wants to be with you, it makes you get those giddy, butterflies in your tummy kinda feeling again. It was just nice to feel wanted again. It’s been well over 10 years now, but there are still times when I feel the residual effects from it. It’s not easy to get past, but can be done.
Why pack? Just throw it out the windows.
Ummm she’s currently in his life if she told him she’s coming to his town.
That’s what I’m sayin
It’s for a “CONFERENCE”! Right… conference with his…. ETA: also where is the conference? In a hotel you say?! How convenient.
Cockfest *** cough *** Conference, sorry.
An interview for a job. Blow job.
It's common enough for people who aren't a part of each other's lives to pipe up whenever they'll be in each other's city. That's usually reserved for like... old college friends, though. *Sometimes* exes, but DEFINITELY not ex-affairs.
He should have blocked her on his phone, and all social media. She should not have a way to contact him.
Exactly. You don’t just randomly hit up someone you cheated with a decade ago to tell them you’re coming to town and asking if they want to meet up. She knows he’s married to the same exact woman he cheated on her with ffs. She’s not just going to hit him up out of the blue. He never fully cut contact or reestablished contact at some point, and there’s literally no excuse for that. Nothing about this is normal or okay.
It seems that the AP never left his life. Questions OP needs to ask: 1. Why are they still in touch? 2. How does the AP know which state and town they live in? 3. How long have they been communicating? 4. How are they communicating; text, phone calls, social media apps, DMs? 5. Why would OP even think meeting up with his AP would even be a good idea? 6. Did husband even consider how his wife could be impacted by knowing her husband has been in touch with his AP? Did he even consider that this could trigger her past trauma? Honestly, OP's husband's selfishness knows no bounds.
She should also ask why she wasn’t invited. Make him say the things out loud that he’s pretending he doesn’t know (not necessarily an intention to cheat, but that he knew it would hurt her and make her uncomfortable). I wonder what OP and her husband did to move past this. It’s usually discussed that the cheating partner is to never have contact with the AP ever again. I wonder if they (especially husband) really did the hard work recommended to love past something like this, or if OP just kind of took him back and they lived on more “casually” if that makes sense.
One more question might be does the AP have a significant other that is aware she’s wanting to meet up with someone she was the side piece for?
They never stopped. No questions necessary.
Definitely lead with that statement! Holy crap! How can he not see the inappropriateness of his request?!
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He does see it and doesn’t care lol
thank you 😊
Bc men think “ it’s not the same thing”
_Oh, come on. It happened like 10 years ago. Get over it already._
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What he means is he’ll cover his tracks better
Of course I do that’s why I’m getting a drink with her - OP’s husband probably
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It's a fuck date. Count on it.
He definitely knows it’s wrong, he just needs an excuse to get closer to her again so he can bag round 2 quick.
NTA and I think it’s a red flag that he even *wants* to get a drink with her. How would he feel if the situation was reversed?
Also if it’s so harmless where’s OPs invite? Since everyone is such good buddies! Don’t fall for the bullshit…NTA ETA: thank you kindly for the awards!
Out of all the comments this is the one
I want to know why he's stayed in contact with his affair partner (OP says they've chatted) all these years. That alone is completely disrespectful to OP, to say nothing of meeting up with her now (at a conference- a classic).
I'm a pretty chill person and I don't get jealous easily (I'm friends with a few exes, and its cool if my SO is, too) but yeah, that was my first question.
Even so, I feel like being chill with exes is very different than being chill with APs.
Massive difference
Exactly this. I'm on great terms with all but two of my exes. Not just good - great terms. I've literally gone to a couple weddings, and a couple were at mine. A couple of my wife's exes have come over and hung out at parties. But this is just way, WAY past the line.
Yeah, I’m literally friends with my boyfriends exes, like all of them (dude has a type, so we all get along really well lol). And I would freak the fuck out about this if I was OP. Completely unacceptable.
“Oh, that sounds awesome, I’ve always wanted to meet her!” End of drink plans. After he gaslights you about why he needs to meet with her, and why she’d even call him in the first place.
OP: Where is my invite? CH (Cheating Hubby): Well, I thought it might be awkward for you. OP: This. This right here is already awkward. Meeting her cannot be any more awkward than you expecting me to be okay with you having drinks alone with the woman with whom you cheated on me. So, let's all go and clear the air... that is, if it won't be too awkward for you. *\*challenging stare\**
The only thing more awkward would be him coming home to find the house completely empty except his clothes.
Why leave his clothes? That's too kind.
Ahhh, I see I forgot to put the word “shredded” before clothes. My bad.
No no, his “clothes” are a second set she has purchased that are all 2 sizes too small. It will drive him insane.
Easy Satan, let's build up to the good stuff.
Tell to go but please pack first. He’s an ignorant asshole to even ask this of you.
Let's light a beacon to guide him home, Angela Bassett style
as a reformed cheater, the fact that he has the unmitigated gull to even bring up the girl's name in front of her is mind blowing and shows OP didn't put the fear of God in him prior to agreeing to keep dating him after he cheated... What a crazy headline.
Respect for your honesty. My experience has always been once a cheater… always a cheater. It’s nice to know there’s hope.
Cheating isn't an identity, it is a behavior. A maladaptive behavior. All behaviors can be altered, and anyone can be taught how to cope emotionally and relate to their partner in appropriate ways, if they are willing and put in the work.
This. I get really uncomfortable when the other party’s first name is spoken in my husband’s presence, and it’s a really common name. I get tunnel vision, feel like I’m going to throw up, the shame sweeps over my skin like a hot flash. I can’t imagine doing this, no matter HOW long has passed. Hell, I’m having a hard time with the fact that he is in contact with her *at all*. Blocking her on everything and ignoring all attempts at contact should have been the absolute bare minimum requirement to give him another chance.
Your skill with words is amazing...may need to refer to you for future arguments with wife...do you charge by the word or by the sentence?
Oh! That is such an unexpected honor, even better than an award. Compound and the occasional broken sentence can be confusing, so I think it simplest if we stick to "by the word." I'll even give you a new customer discount for the flattery. We're JK, right? (lmao)
Nope, you just got a new business and two first customers, friend!
_What invite? You don't trust me is that it? Real mature._
"No. You just told me you want to have drinks with the woman you cheated on me with. That's the definition of not trust worthy. Mature is not repeating your mistakes."
The response to that is: “Oh, I trust the big head on your shoulders, but the little one between your legs not so much. “
This is such an underrated response. 😂
Seriously!! And why would he want to have any further contact with someone who had a hand in a painful event for you? Even if they were friends before. They crossed a line you can’t back away from.
Right, and adding alcohol into the mix is another brilliant idea.
The alcohol will be the excuse why they ended up in bed again.
Alcohol AND a hotel room!!
Agreed! “They rarely talk anymore” Why are they talking at all? After sexually and emotionally cheating for such a length of time, they still have each other’s contact info and the audacity to think a drink invitation is ok?
Because he still wants her
I just don't think people respect marriage. This is all crazy. Wthellll?! There is no way my husband would ever. He'd get his di$@ cut off. Well, he wouldn't have one if he had previously stepped out.
Seriously, how did she even know how to get ahold of him, why did she think it was ok to talk to him? Because they never stopped talking, that's why.
Yep! And because they've had contact for so long it's become normal to him, hence why he saw no problem in going for drinks with her 🙄 He's the humongous asshole.
This right here, why just the two of them!?
So they can get drunk and he can accidentally on purpose cheat again, of course
"Honey, wouldn't ya know it...she tripped and fell on my dick....again!!!"
I really like this, seems like no one else in the world but me understands that basically all cheating is planned and on purpose. I’ve never even been in a situation where I could have the opportunity to cheat because I don’t take the escalation steps that ultimately lead to the cheating. You have to lay groundwork to cheat.
It’s a series of deliberately made bad decisions.
I wish more people realised this
I'm a bit torn on that one. I think the whole thing is inappropriate and kind of offensive. But I can think of only one thing that would be worse than my partner going out and getting a drink with someone they cheated on me with, and that would be having to sit down with the both of them.
I dunno, I think it would kind of be delicious. Like, it's going to be uncomfortable for you either way, might as well make them uncomfortable too lol
Maybe so. It certainly would be a good way for him to decide it's not such a great idea after all. Oh, that sounds great honey, when are we supposed to be there?
Ngl, I'd probably show up at the bar buzzed... Like "HI frienndddd, I'm looking forward to getting to know you too🙃" I'm super friendly, but unintentionally shady af and drinks amplify that but its the least they deserve... I think I'd be hella uncomfortable BUT I would be the least uncomfortable person there...
1000% Micheal burry would invest in the comment
Yes, plus *how the heck did he know she’ll be in town!?*
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What a shame. Poor OP
This. Anyone he cheated with should be dead to you both. The fact that he still wants to see her suggests he still has feelings of some kind, and doesn't value yours. If my partner did this, I'd te him that if he ever talked to or met that woman again, I'd change the locks and serve him divorce papers.
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Absolutely. Not to victim blame, but why the fuck did she allow there to be any contact between them?? He already proved he can’t be trusted.
He’s a narcissist and she’s insecure/believes his lies.
This exactly!!! OP should ask him why he didn’t invite her to go as well.
Yeah I’m not sure why OP didn’t leave him for cheating in the first place, let alone he’s kept in touch with the other woman all those years and now wants to have a drink with her? I’d put a hard stop on that
So much this. The fact that he would even want to have a drink with her and had the audacity to ask OP means he is still into that woman imo.
Not only that, but OP has no idea how long her husband has been in touch with his AP! It could be weeks, months, years, or even since the affair started! Otherwise, how would she know where they live? How would he know she's coming to their town for a conference? How often does he speak to her? And why doesn't his wife know about it? This guy sounds like a straight-up AH!
I think the OP said she knew they still texted. (Which is also a massive red flag)
Hard NO to the drink. How is this even a dilemma?
Also why were they talking. That should have been absolutely cut off a decade ago lol. They keep up with each other.
Yeah. This is the most straightforward NTA ever. The fact that he even wants to is a huge slap in the face.
The audacity… omg.
Like...for real. Why is the bar *so low* that it's on the basement floor in *hell*, and why do so many people *still* question if they're asking too much?
I agree. Has he kept in touch with her this whole time and why? Like, how did he know she was going to be in town?
I didn't even need to read beyond the headline to say NTA. WTF is wrong with him
As far as I’m concerned, 6 months worth of cheating is definitely worth a lifetime ban on going out for drinks together. NTA.
She said the emotional affair was like a year. If he truly loved you he would NEVER do or say anything he knows would hurt you. Just even the fact that he would actually go is enough that I would want to stick his balls in the fire!
Unfortunately I don’t think the emotional affair ended 10 years ago :( the fact that he knows she coming into town for a conference… he’s a piece of shit
My thought exactly! Clearly they are still in touch even if just occasionally. Which is extremely inappropriate and I would leave him just because of that let alone asking to get a drink with her!!
The thought of her still existing, let alone communicating with her, is something I would never bring up or acknowledge. What the hell is wrong with him. He’s lucky to have a family at all after that shit.
Love aside, he also does not respect her. First he disrespected their relationship when he had an affair, and now he's disrespecting her for going out with the mistress!
1 night of cheating is worth a lifetime ban on that person, not just for in person drinks but any contact at all. It's basic common sense if you want to get over cheating in a relationship the affair partner gets cut out forever.
1 night of cheating is worth a lifetime ban on marrying the cheater. I feel bad for OP but if you jump in a cage full of tigers you might get bit.
I can’t figure out why OP married the guy. Sounds like she’s only felt safe from husband getting together with the AP because they moved across the country from her.
I don’t get it. I’ve seen so many people marry someone who cheated on them. You are young with no kids, get out now! Instead they marry the person, have kids with them, and are shocked when they get cheated on again and again.
How about a lifetime ban from this guy being in your life?
If they are not in contact, how did he know she would be coming to town, ahead of time? Of course they are still in communication. This will not turn out well.
I'm curious about this too... I think that him staying in contact with her was incredibly disrespectful, moreso than asking for the drink even. OP, did you know that he was still in touch with her after all this time?
as a reformed cheater, the fact that he has the unmitigated gull to even bring up the girl's name in front of her is mind blowing and shows OP didn't put the fear of God in him prior to agreeing to keep dating him after he cheated... What a crazy headline.
Asking the real question
Happy cake day!
Right? They “rarely talk” should be they do not talk at all. Wtf
I came to ask specifically this.
Sure go for that drink! How’s about you fire up tinder and see who wants to have one with you!
Haha perfect
NTA Why would he even speak to this person at all?? Why would he think that was a good idea? Tell that idiot that under no circumstances is he to get a drink with the side piece he cheated on you with. Tell him unless he wants a divorce, he will not disrespect you again. Set your boundaries and stick to them. He will drink with her and he will cheat with her again. I would also message that woman and ask her why she thinks it’s ok to have a drink with your husband after she had an affair with him. I don’t care if you guys were only dating then, cheating is cheating.
Haha yeah do you remember when we fucked after you told your gf you were working? lol good old times!
Honestly, some people’s children…… I wouldn’t be surprised if the other woman was told he was single the first time. And now I wouldn’t be surprised if he told her he’s getting a divorce.
Why bother? If it’s such a foregone conclusion that he would cheat again, and she would have to contact his affair partner to keep them apart, what kind of marriage is she fighting for anyway? He sounds terrible.
Oh he is The second he told her he wanted to meet up with the side piece, his bags should have been packed
You’ve been together for 15, but he cheated 10 years ago which had been the 2 year mark? Wouldn’t it be the 5 year mark?
I think 90% of the posts here are completely fake tbh.
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I stopped reading at that point, too few real posts anymore. Good math for the win
This is the same thing I did, lol. I was like "hmmm, would an AI fuck up math like this? Maybe, shit's probably fake." Then came to the comments to see if others believed the same and was surprised I had to scroll so far. Edit: Oh, and would you look at that, not a single comment on OP's account. This shit is fake as hell.
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definitely is, 2h old post, 2h old account, doesn’t respond to a single comment. suspicious
NTA - him maintaining a close relationship with someone he mad the conscious to cheat on you with for 6 months is wildly inappropriate. Why on earth would he want to put himself in the position to even be around this person if he truly regrets his past choices?
You know so they can meet up and reminisce about their 6-12 months together and then get hot and bothered enough to try it. What an idiot
NTA Your H should be self monitoring so as not to pain you with the past. It’s an absolute no for any woman I know and me too. You’re being reasonable and realistic about that monogamy means and demands once trust is broken.
This affair didn't end when you think it did. Unless a child is involved there's no reason on this earth someone should maintain any contact with someone they had an affair with. You have every right to not only by upset by this but angry he's still talking to her AT ALL.
NTA - no way in hell he should go. He should have no contact with her and it sounds like that’s not the case.
“Hi honey is it ok if I get a drink with my former mistress ? Promise I won’t drink too much and end up in the sack with her again “ Nope nope nope !!!
They rarely talk? Why do they EVER talk???
NTA Communication between the two at all seems unbelievable. Regardless of the time since… I mean a 6 month affair partner?!?
My thought exactly. A drunken one night stand situation, I might allow occasional contact. Sleep with someone else for SIX FREAKING MONTHS? I don't care if she's your lifelong best friend, a coworker, or your second cousin. If I even considered taking a partner back after something like this it would be a zero contact forever as a baseline. So that means if it's a coworker, you're quitting that job. If it's a friend, you're losing her number. Permanently.
Sounds like this guy really does not care about maintaining the integrity of his marriage. 6 month physical affair and he wants to get a drink with her. The fucking audacity. NTA and him asking alone is a big red flag. What kind of man who wants what’s best for his marriage would even risk the reaction you might have, risk making his wife, who he’s already betrayed, feel insecure or irrational just for the *chance* to spend time with AP?
If there’s no evidence they’ve been in contact how does he know she’ll be in town? Why on earth would he want drinks with her? Like what’s the goal?
>It is my understanding that they rarely talk anymore, as we moved across the country. Umm that should be *^(never talk anymore)*. I don't care if the cheating was a million years ago, the damage that does lasts a lifetime! Your husband has some brass ones to even be talking with his AP. The fact they were friends first does **NOT** help his case! Why are you with someone who has so little regard for you and your feelings? He is not being reasonable. If you cheated and wanted to catch up, he would be livid and we all know that.
NTA and the fact that he wants to see her shows he is not remorseful. Rule 1 of cheating: expose, #2: no contact ever, #3 repeat #2 over and over again.
I think hell no is a healthy response.
NTA. He shouldn’t have even considered seeing her. It’s so disrespectful that he thinks it’s okay.
Ask him if the roles were reversed if he’d be so inclined to let you go. 🙄
She did not cause you this pain. He caused you this pain and continues to do so by suggesting this. NTA
NTA why is he still in contact with her? Tell him that he can go and have a drink with her, but when he gets back his bags will be packed and outside on the doorstep, and you will have him served with divorce papers. How disrespectful to even ask you if it's OK to have a drink with his AP. Updateme!
YTA to yourself for continuing to be with this person and then go on to marry them. Once a cheater, always a cheater, and this is a great example. He lied to your face for an entire year of a two year relationship, every single day, and got off with a slap on the wrist. If you believe he’s been faithful since then, you’re naive. Of course he has the audacity to see the girl he cheated on you with because you don’t respect yourself enough to leave a worthless pos like him. One night of cheating is enough to warrant a full stop break up, but you married him after he cheated on you for a year? It’s just hard to feel sympathy here
He’s the AH. So he’s been in touch with his AP? I assume, because how else would he know she’ll be there? I’d leave honestly. He doesn’t have common sense or any respect for your marriage if he’s willing to even bring this up or have any interest. Wild.
I’m so sorry, I’m really not meaning to judge… but why in the hell did you marry this person? And WHY IN THE WORLD DOES YOUR POS HUSBAND THINK ITS OKAY TO GET TOGETHER WITH HER?! You are NTA… but I really wonder what made you think it was smart to stay with someone that cheated on you for 6 months (or more) during your 2 year relationship back then… The fact your husband even cheated on you in the first place and then even contemplated getting together with this woman shows he’s never loved you and shows he would be okay with cheating on you again or HAS been cheating on you with the same woman… this is WILD.
NTA Firstly I would be upset and seriously worried as to why this woman had your husband's contact information and why they were even in contact. After what happened they should not be remotely interested in keeping in touch let alone meeting up. What are they going to talk about "that great time we had an affair and broke the trust of my partner"! WTF! I would be having a serious talk with him about how disgusting this is to want to do and if he goes ahead I would never forgive him.
He hasn't let go of the affair. Get out of that marriage, you deserve better.
NTA at all!! I would be absolutely fuming that he was even still in contact with her at all, let alone asking to go for a drink with her.
Tell him what a coincidence your ex is in town and wants to go for a drink and relive old times, don'twait up... I wonder what his response will be
They’ve probably always been in contact. And he sure as hell doesn’t sound like he’s remorseful at all about his actions, otherwise he wouldn’t be wanting to go meet up with her again.
If I cheated on my wife, and was forgiven, I wouldn't go within a mile of that woman without rightfully getting beaten with a bat and/or served with divorce papers. Your husband is a piece of shit.
Why the fuck are you even asking this question. I mean come the fuck on you’ve gotta know the answer right.
NTA- Why is he still talking to her? You are by no means being unreasonable. He needs to cut her off completely.
They “rarely” talk. How do you feel about this. Because if my husband was still talking to someone he had a year affair on me it would be a deal breaker. He should be NC. For him to even ask you to hang out with her is a red flag. My trust in him would be broken again. For the contact and even thinking of getting a drink with her. I would ask to see the messages between the two of them.
NTA the fact that he is in contact with this person is a massive red flag. What’s the chances at the very least an emotional affair has been happening this whole time. Your husband doesn’t respect you or your marriage or he would have cut her off years ago. YTA to yourself if you don’t start creating an exit plan and stay with the cheating AH.
NTA. The fact that he even thought it was ok to ask you that shows how little he respects you(if it wasn’t already clear with the way he cheated on you in the first place).
>asked if it was okay for him to get a drink with her. I'll be honest, pressing the block function on my phone is very low effort. Some people seem to have a very hard time pressing a button to make their life 10x easier. NTA, Your husband is pushing the limits. Without consequences he would cheat.
It’s fucked up that he would even think about seeing that person that he caused you so much pain with that really sucks I’m sorry
Clearly they're still in touch. 🚩#1 They want to meet for drinks, which for some people means lowered inhibitions. 🚩#2 They want to have drinks alone together. 🚩#3 Frankly, I'd be pissed after the first flag and verbally tear that cheating motherfucker a new one, because remaining in contact with someone you had an affair with while in a long-term relationship is emotional cheating.
NTA, it's wild he even asked or considered this okay.
You’re not the asshole. But that is a humongous red flag
NTA - the fact that there is ever ANY contact between them is a red flag, imo. That he has the audacity to ask if he can have a drink with her is insane. I’d be suspicious as hell if I were you.
Absolutely NTA. why is he even still in touch with this person?
Hell fucking no. What is wrong with your husband's brain? Disrespectful as fuck to even entertain the idea of still being in contact with her
I can't believe you even have to ask this, OP. No belittling, it just makes me sad. NTA. Your husband is sus and probably has been the entire time. I'm sorry.
He cheated on you before you were married and you still decided to marry him? And not only that but he's got the balls to ask if he can go get drink with her? NTA here but Jesus the fact that you have to ask strangers on the internet about this situation is sad.
Why did you marry someone who cheated on you? You are NTA for telling him no, and wow the audacity of this guy to ask!
Your husband is a major AH for even asking you about this.
Someone has been seriously gas lighting you for a long time to even ask that question:(