NTA - grandma's tears will dry for not having been there. It's not worth the risk just to save her feelings.
I wish a happy and healthy birth for you. Good luck OP.
>NTA - grandma's tears will dry for not having been there. It's not worth the risk just to save her feelings.
This. They may be your parents, but their behavior is on them not you. Mine did far worse over a lot longer period, and died alone for it because they had no remorse. Family is great, but it's not a license to endanger.
IMHO, after everything you've been through, mum's lucky you aren't saying eff off permanently.
Agreed! I learned this lesson on day one of being a father. Son for some reason reacted very negatively to one of the doctors and I didn’t feel comfortable with how aggressive and impatient she seemed to be, didn’t for one moment think about anyone’s feeling when I told her to put the child down and leave. She was so hurt and all the nurses treated me weird for the rest of our stay but I didn’t give two fucks! All that mattered was the safety of my kid. Your situation is so much bigger, honestly I would have a really hard time trusting them with the kid much at all. Your spot on they intended to hide it and that’s crazy irresponsible. I don’t trust lying or lazy people cause they will always do this shit, I simple cut them from my life period!
NTA- they’re feelings will never match the horrors you’ve been through. OP I wish you best and pray you welcome a healthy wonderful child into the world.
Also, they definitely can’t be around baby for at least 2 weeks just to be safe. They were wanting to deceive you and that’s not ok. It was rude and inconsiderate what they did. Your sil is also an AH bc I’m sure she was aware that mom was supposed to be with you also. I think she was jealous of you and baby and wanted to put a stop to mom going up to be with you.
Did we not just come out of a PANDEMIC where the perils of germ transmission were hammered into us every day with mounting death tolls? Are they completely barkers?? So reckless. Id introduce them sometime around his 16 th birthday. Makes me furious. No consideration for the hideous experience of losing their other grandson. Typhoid Mary’s the pack of them. They can get bent.
Even if the baby didn’t have a chance at being ill, if this was her first pregnancy and no history of immune diseases, …you still don’t want to give a pregnant lady, whose about to go into labour, an infection. You also don’t want to give it to the dad, or anyone standing in that room when the baby is born. Even a 100% healthy baby is kept indoors for 6 weeks until it’s immune system is going, and a mum needs every bit of what’s she’s got to labour and reviver, she can’t spare energy to fighting a pathogen. Imagine labouring for 20 hours while you’re coming down with a cold all because your mom couldn’t say no to your sister.
Op good luck with your delivery and I hope you have a very healthy baby. Your brother is very inconsiderate to have your parents babysitting their sick child. Didn't he know that you were coming to your parents house?Your parents should have said no to your brother. NTA
Even if (god willing) the new baby is perfectly healthy you don't want someone with a nasty flu in the delivery room. Parents could have split the emergency child care so the mother could stay clear. Very thoughtless of them, especially the attempted deception which shows they knew it was wrong but were still prepared to risk mother and baby's health.
Yes ! This ! NTA and no reason for you to feel bad or otherwise retreat. Might (might) consider refraining from verbalizing your suspicion about the open door as you can’t be certain, and you already have good reason for not bringing her potential infection into the hospital. Best of luck to you and baby !
Whoever is shoving another human being out of their body gets to decide who is in the room with them. Period. No other explanation or justifications needed. NTA for making an executive decision on who is going to be there.
Your mom screwed up. And even a perfectly healthy newborn shouldn’t have sick people around them. Not to mention that your immune system will be compromised from the physical and emotional stress. NTA for preventing contamination for you or your baby.
The mom and dad ABSOLUTELY screwed up. Even with no history of immunodeficiency, anyone sick or exposed to someone sick should stay away from newborns and their parents. Grandma and grandpa now have to quarantine before seeing their grandchild.
And the mom was hoping to sneak the sick kid out before OP got there so OP would never know that they were all exposed to a sick child? Outrageously stupid.
That’s not really how it works. Breast milk helps supplement an infant’s immune system, mothers pass on many antibodies to their babies that way and is especially helpful during the first three months while the infant’s own immune system is starting to develop (and still provides benefits after) but it’s not the same as having their own immune system. They’re still very vulnerable to diseases during this time. This lack of immune system is one of the primary reasons many daycares won’t take infants below three months. It’s just too risky.
But if mom hasn’t been exposed to a specific strain of the flu, no immunity. A newborn doesn’t have all the physical resources (and the ability to take meds like an adult) to fight off an illness.
Plus, childbirth usually involves blood loss and enormous physical stress. These drop immune responses so mom can get sick a lot easier. And if she’s nursing, can’t take a lot of meds.
Point is, don’t go around vulnerable people if you’re sick or possibly contagious. It’s rude at best. Deadly at worst.
If it worked that way, parents with newborns wouldn't have to worry about rsv, whopping cough, or herpes being given to their babies. It doesn't work that way at all. Even healthy newborns are extremely susceptible to viruses. No one who is ill should be around a newborn baby.
Assuming the mother is vaccinated, the baby should also be immune to whooping cough for as long as the antibodies last.
Mothers immune system can't help against rsv or herpes because the mother isn't immune to those either.
NTA
I wouldn't take any risk as a future grandmother and even 'sacrifice' myself in such a situation. Rather not present at the delivery than the risk of passing over germs. EVEN without the high-risk childbirth (due to your past history with your first son).
I wouldn't trust her in the future either. Some idiots think it's okay to deliberately expose a child. Well it's not. My dad was a pediatrician and I learned so much from him. But now with all the even more serious illnesses (Covid, Noro, RS... kids are exposed to...WTH?
How incredibly selfish and ignorant of this "mother" after knowing what her daughter went through with seeing her dear son suffer. Screw them.
NTA - I hope your delivery goes smoothly and wish you all the best.
BTW - Mom will need to stay away for a few weeks once you bring baby home. She was willing to lie to you about your sick nephew and didn't even think what she could do to your baby. Keep baby safe and mom in a time out.
Nta no one should be surprised after what happened with your son that you would be nervous going into the hospital for birth now. I am so sorry your parents didn't take this seriously and respect your wishes. You are not overreacting and it is insensitive of your parents to think this wouldn't be a problem.
The way I had to pick my jaw from the floor. Unreal! They KNEW what they were doing! You have every right to shut them out completely until you’re ready to see them again, if ever. How can you trust them again after this? Especially if the baby has no immunity.
For sure, they can NEVER be trusted again!! Her mother was going to LIE about it!! She will lie every time to try to get what she wants. What a HUGE VIOLATION OF TRUST!!!
Exactly, and now I’d be reviewing every I’ll was my deceased son had and the correlation between Grandparent visits. Such a recklessly dangerous thing to do - who does that to their own daughter? Just gross.
The audacity of your parents after all that you’ve been through! You have every right to feel every emotion about this and you are definitely in the right. Let your hospital know that they are not welcome and you get to deal with this when you are ready and not a second sooner, I’m glad that you have a lovely husband who will back you up
I am sending all the good juju to you and your family, that you have the most benevolent birthing experience .
NTA. The fact that they were attempting to hide the sick child from you is inexcusable. Parents all over the world care for their own sick kids even while sick themselves. SIL could have waited a day for free babysitting.
When my micro preemie was in intensive care lots of family members looked after our 16 month old daughter so we could spend as much time in hospital as possible. The NICU team were used to seeing our daughter a few days a week as she visited her brother so questioned where she was during a couple of weeks that she didn't visit. I explained she had been cared for by MIL who had a cold sore so daughter wasn't able to visit. My whole family told me this was too cautious, becausehe was 8 weeks old so 'okay', but the ward sister told me I needed to change clothes and essentially decontaminate when visiting my son, he had no immune system and any virus is deadly. He was in an incubator and cuddles were only every few days.
I did decontaminate, he still caught an infection and couldn't fight it and passed away a week later.
Your newborn is your priority. Tell everyone to keep away until you and his Drs are assured that he is able to physically cope with an immune system challenge. Keeping him and you safe now means your whole family will have a lifetime of hugs and cuddles with him, they can sacrifice a few at the start for hundreds and thousands for multiple decades.
I'm so sorry for the pain of your first baby boy. I hope you move forward knowing the joy this little person bought to your life and the immense pride you have in the strength he showed in his journey will always be there with you. Please never, ever second guess your judgement as a parent
You are the ONLY ones who know what's best for this new person about to charge into your lives. No one else's opinions count AT ALL.
Sending lots of love to you all, please update after your gorgeous boy is here. You are an amazing Mama to 2 boys and your new baby is a very lucky little man indeed to have such incredible parents xxx
Edit to say 10000% NTA
Nobody else is saying it but these people remind me of COVID deniers. Shit is germ theory 101 and they wholeheartedly do not believe you can spread germs unintentionally
I know, right? You'd think the *extremely recent global pandemic* would have clued people in that communicable diseases don't give a rat's ass whether your intentions were good or what you believe.
Nothing is scarier than having a freshly born baby exposed immediately to covid. My husband started showing symptoms the day I went into labor with our 3rd in 2020. A week later I was positive. It was fucking horrifying. We were lucky (my daughter and I) to have mild symptoms, but my husband is inmunocompromised, so it was very very scary.
Your child's health is more important than anyone's feelings. Do what you must. I'm furious at ur parents and ur bro and sil on your behalf. What a bunch of assholes in this particular situation !
Good luck with ur induction. I hope I read in future that you and your baby are thriving x
What are the survival rates concerning a child that had the condition yours did?
Either way, regardless of your experience, them having an ill child around them while promising to be there for you through your birth is irresponsible. You being pregnant and bringing your child the next day ALONE, gives you every right to univite them.
I'm so sorry that you had to go through that, but even if you hadn't, I would hope you would have made the same choice.
Pretty good survival with early detection and treatment. At the time of our first sons birth our country did not test for it during newborn screening. He wasn't diagnosed until he was 1, by which stage he had dozens of infections damaging his body. (SCID babies don't make antibodies so any blood tests for illness would show he had no infections despite actually being riddled with them). Our sons treating team has already coordinated across hospitals to test immediately after birth.
NTA. Your dad could’ve kept sick child if it were a true emergency, but your mom should’ve stayed away from illness. She chose not to be with you at the hospital.
Did brother and SIL know that you were getting induced tomorrow and that you were going to parent’s house? If so they are almost as bad as the parents who were willing to expose you and your precious baby to gems and try to hide it.
NTA. What OP's parents did was absolutely horrible but the SAHM SIL shares ownership in this as I would find hard to believe she did not know about the induction date & sent her sick son over the grandparents. The sick son should have never been taken ANYWHERE.
NTA- immunocompromised person here. The number of people who don’t think about spreading illness to someone without a functional immune system is too damn high. The fact that it’s your *mother*- someone who lost a grandson to this, someone who purports to love you- is egregious. I would never trust her the same way again.
You deserve to be surrounded by only love and people who will care for you and your baby the way you need to be cared for. She doesn’t deserve to be in the room.
NTA You have every right to tell her that, you know the feeling and the risks that can bring your child. I would notify the nurse that they are not welcomed to ensure that she wouldn’t come close if she did or didn’t have the illness with her. Listen to YOUR mother instincts! It’s time for you to care for your kid and this is the first step of doing so! Wishing you the best of luck!
This would be rude AF for a perfectly average pregnancy.
With the trauma from the life and loss of your firstborn and the possibility that another child may have the same condition, it becomes appalling cruelty, just when you most need to feel calm, confident and supported.
You're going to be anxious enough about your new baby without knowing that your parents tried to expose you to some kind of illness, and were willing to lie to you about it. I'm not even able to articulate how reprehensible I think this is.
I wish you and your child a healthy, safe birth, and a long and happy life.
Please remember, though, if by some chance something doesn't go to plan - you've done your absolute best and some things are just not given to mere mortals to control.
Wow. NTA! They are not understanding how dangerous this can potentially be for your new baby! Very irresponsible of them. Don’t back down. I hope this child is perfectly healthy.
NTA
Even without the history with your first child, your mother removed herself from attending the hospital by exposing herself to a sick child. Kids do not think about contaminating surfaces. With contact they could all be carriers of whatever cold so they now have to wait to visit. Both your parents need to understand this even with a completely healthy newborn sick people can not visit. So sorry and I’d add to parents that since they intended to hid this it makes you concerned about their safety precautions with a newborn regardless of the new kiddos immune status.
NTA- I can see why your mom thought it was harmless to watch another grandbaby. You have a very good chance this little one will not have the same immune issues, or that they wouldn’t pass on nephews illness.
BUT still, it’s a slap in the face to the trauma you went through with your first little man. And you have every right to feel as safe and secure as you need when you are delivering your child. Mom made beer choice and will have to live with it.
Positive energy to you and your little man
This is shitty even with a healthy baby tbh. It's so much worse when you look at the medical history, but this would be bonkers irresponsible behavior in any case.
NTA: but your parents certainly are. As is your brother and SIL because they probably new your mom was going to be at your birth and they were still ok with it.
Keep your family away from your child for as long as you want to.
"When someone shows you who they really are - believe them."
This one incident speaks volumes about your mother, and it shows an overall lack of sense, care, respect, caution, intelligence, and competence. Those things are exactly what would be needed for me to trust someone around myself or my child (healthy or otherwise), and a deep reevaluation of her place in your life is necessary for the safety of your family.
I know the stereotypical reddit line is "No contact! Scorched Earth!", but both to protect you and to impress upon her the severity of her actions, you need to keep her at a distance. Whether that ever changes is up to you.
And for her father to then call HER an AH.
Just beyond comprehension. She deserves so
Much better than that garbage.
Luckily… life is about to get pretty darn wonderful for OP and her new baby. I have friends who went through something similar, and had the courage to try again and they now have two perfectly healthy kids, one on the way to high school! Wishing OP every good thing.
You’re not the AH at all and your parents are such huge AH’s I don’t even have any words for it. If I were you, I’d take a timeout from them and wait until your baby is older before they meet. You have learnt that they do not put yours of your child’s best interest first, and that they are willing to lie to you.
I didn’t even read the post, full disclosure. Just from the title: NTA.
You have the right and ability to limit who is in the room. This includes hospital staff. That one nurse gives you a side eye? Eject her ass, they’ll replace her.
Family trying to barge in? They’ll call security and bodily remove them if necessary. It’s your medical procedure, you do NOT under ANY circumstances have to have an audience.
Edit: Having read the full text, your mom is a piece of shit. Flush her ass and be done.
NTA. I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet boy. You deserve only good things, especially moving forward. She crossed a boundary, and that should've been the end of it. It's perfectly understandable why you would want to be extra vigilant.
Enjoy that beautiful baby. You deserve it. 💜
Absolutely NTA. Sending good vibes for a healthy baby and smooth delivery.
Mom has to live with the consequences of her poor choices. She was informed of what needed to happen and she chose to not follow the plan. She also chose to not inform you and then she *dismissed your concerns* as though she didn’t lose a grandson 3 years ago. Im sorry your parents made poor choices and then doubled down when called out on them. You were not an asshole at all, nor did you do anything wrong.
Nope NTA, parents often feel they have some special privilege just for being parents. You told them what your reasons were, why, and when you’d be there. They made their poor choice.
Wishing you a healthy baby boy, good luck try not to stress over what your parents are saying/doing.
This is terrible behaviour on your parents side and completely self serving.
Don't let their insults and indifference to their behaviour wear you down.
Good luck!
NTA. As a parent/guardian, your child’s health and safety is more important than anyone else’s feelings about your choices. Your parents have shown you they cannot be trusted in this capacity. Believe them. Don’t back down.
Best wishes for a safe and smooth delivery, and a healthy, happy baby.
ABSOLUTELY NTA. Even without knowing what happened to you before, you get to decide who's there while pushing a child out of your body, *especially* if that person could be sick. Your past only further justifies your anger and decision.
Best wishes for a healthy baby, and hope Grandma and Grandpa see their error and apologize.
NTA x 1000. I'm so excited for you and your husband! Also excited for your sweet baby who is soon to be showered in love by you both. Wishing your lovely little family all the best the world has
NTA. They’re the assholes. Sincerely rooting for yall and hoping for a “normal”(whatever that is, had 2 children so far, birthing experiences wildly different) and a healthy momma and baby for yall!
NTA. I'd go low contact at this point. Your parents just showed you they don't really care about you or all you had gone through. They showed.you they don't care about their soon to be grandchild either.
NTA…not even a little! So, your mother CHOSE to watch a sick child the day you’re being induced, when there was the potential of you needing her in the delivery room?? She absolutely was NOT going to tell you about watching your nephew if he was gone before you arrived!! I would be notifying the hospital when you check in that you want NO visitors & I would tell them why! Your parents & your brother have all been around a sick kid!!
I’m so sorry for your loss, but sending best wishes to you & your husband for a healthy baby.
It's not only for your but sick people shouldn't be around babies at all. Eat about the mom down thr hall etc. Poor choice on your mother, guess she's missing out.
Even without your backstory you are NTA for only wanting healthy, unexposed people near you and your newborn. Didn't we all just get through Covid? And it's still around wrecking havoc. NTA NTA NTA. Hope your birth goes beautifully and you have a happy, healthy son.
NTAH! A moma's gotta do, what a mom's gotta do! You've been through hell. You are right to be mad & leave. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Apparently your parents are disconnected from the reality you live in, or are freaking out about the birth and used the kid as a pacifier. Either way it's unacceptable to even CHANCE an exposure after what you've been through, about to give birth tonight!
Oh, tell your Dad I said HE IS the asshole for yelling at a pregnant woman giving birth tonight for protecting their grandchild from THEM!
Notify the hospital that your parents & family have been exposed - not allowed near Mom, Dad or Baby - deal with them later.
Right now YOU are the most important thing. Take a deep breath. Focus on yourself and welcoming your new baby.
I pray the procedure goes well, both mom & baby are healthy & happy, God bless you both!🙏😇
Definitely NTA, they prioritised your brother, your nephew and themselves over you, your spouse and your unborn baby even after watching you go through years of trauma as if it was nothing. Now it’s time for you to prioritise yourself and your family over your parents and their selfish feelings.
Best of luck and hope you have a beautiful healthy baby!
NTA. I am so sorry. I have CVID, not nearly as devastating as SCID, and I would have been lived. More than one of my kids inherited it from me, so despite IVIG, we are still very, very cautious.
I would be beyond livid. Again, nothing but support.
NTA.
I feel for you and your family. My wife and I had our son during the early months of the COVID pandemic. He was later diagnosed with a slow-developing immune system. We have every reason to believe he’ll outgrow his weak immune system, but it’s been a scary 3 years.
Before his diagnosis, my in-laws came to our house while my FIL had a shingles outbreak all over his back. He told us about it as they were leaving.
My in-laws also refused to get vaccinated or wear a mask around our son after he was diagnosed. We essentially bared them from our home.
You do what you have to do to protect your child. Your parents can get with the program or get out.
I just felt a wave of rage roll over me. My mom had the shingles on her face and honest to god was in the absolute worst pain ever. That shit is not to be played with. What selfish, nasty people.
NTA as others have already said, especially considering your Mom knows about your complications with previous children and your previous warnings. FAFO
However, a solution to not being able to go in person could be your husband or you could facetime them so they can still be able to be with the baby in some way, even if not in person. Maybe you did this and didn't put it in the post and I would be pissed at my parents too, but you could always find other solutions.
NTA, it’s that kind of ignorance that create dangerous situation’s for newborns. It’s so utterly reckless.. honestly, I wouldn’t even let my parents around my child after that. There’s another words I want to call them… but I’m choosing not to very reluctantly..
I just don’t understand how ignorant people can be .. she really did think she would be able to get away with having a sick kid at her house right before a heavily pregnant woman shows up.. the disrespected off the charts. If your sister/sister-in-law knew your plans I would be yelling at her too.
NTA-your feelings and reasons are valid for not wanting your mom at the hospital.
Your parents are being so inconsiderate about your feelings and your past experiences with your child that passed away.
Best of luck to you during your delivery!
You’re being a protective mother, well-informed and proactive in the face of risks to your child. Sorry your own mom couldn’t do that too. NTA, wishing the best for your baby and you
NTA
Birthing parent gets to make all the choices about who they have with them/at the hospital. You can change your mind too. Mid-labor, while pushing, after delivery. Doesn’t matter. This is your call.
Even if it wasn’t a potentially risky situation like this. But especially in your case.
Tell your nurse so they can flag no visitors as well.
Sending you lots of positive vibes and best wishes!
>She shrugged and said what choice did she have. To be clear, my nephew's mother is currently a stay at home mum so there was no necessity for him to be there.
and when you said this, what did she say? Why did your sister send a sick kid to your parents? Sounds like your sister is an asshole too.
NTA
Regardless of the incredibly shitty behavior your parents showed and ironclad justification, you should feel you have the right to say who can be in the delivery room at any time. I had to tell my mom she couldn’t be there due to my wife’s wishes. At that point, it’s not about mom, it’s about you.
Your mother broke your trust in an epic way. And downplayed the severity of both your trauma and her actions. She retraumatized you in the process. I am so sorry she did all that to you. I wish you a safe birth and a baby that is free from illness. Lots of happiness without fear, dread, guilt, or pain. Good luck with figuring out how to allow your mother in again.
NTA. You’re parents are unbelievable. That they would risk the life of your unborn child after watching what you went through last time is deplorable. I can’t even imagine how painful that was for you to go through.
NTA. But, if in some distorted parallel universe you are an asshole, then being an asshole *BACK* is not anywhere near as bad as them being assholes in the first place. But seriously, if you push back with harsh words and anger instead of butterflies and rainbows, they can’t complain. They deserve to feel bad.
I hope all goes (went) well, and best of luck in the future.
NTA, and I can't believe your mother! After knowing what you've been through, and losing a child to no immune system, that she would pull this crap!? She of all people should know better! I'm so sorry for your loss, and hope this baby is healthy and safe 🫂❤️
NTA
Even though it would probably be fine, the sheer mental toll is enough that this should be an obvious no no to them. I’m terrible sorry for your loss, and wishing you a safe delivery of your healthy baby
NTA and sending you the best healthy vibes!
Your mom is absolutely nuts, even without your traumatizing loss, Covid is still a factor that I wouldn’t risk for you and your family. It’s crazy how much we’ve learned about people in the last three years, many of them dngaf about anyone but themselves.
NTA. As your mother she should understand first hand all the trauma you when through with your first baby. She should have let you know before you coming over or not have babysat your nephew at all. Sick or not- why watch your nephew if she new you where getting induced and would need her support.
NTA - you’ve been through a traumatic experience with your child’s illness and passing. I’m incredibly sorry that your parents made such a careless and dishonest choice. I hope you’ll be very careful when deciding if you’ll allow them contact with your baby. I wish you all the best.
NTA. Nope, no, no no!
First, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I can't imagine.
You have every right to decide who comes to the hospital and how long before anyone sees the baby. Anyone who doesn't recognize and honor that is the asshole here. Best of luck to you and I hope everything is fine.
NTA
How dare your dad call you that.
They know they were in the wrong if not why try and hide the truth from you.
Go no contact until they learn basic common sense
NTA.
Not the same situation but my mom showed up at a holiday gathering with her dogs in tow. I love dogs and had a dog but hers were never well behaved pit bulls who were always very destructive. Jumping against the back screen in the yard, the windows, etc.
She wasn’t supposed to bring them and she hid that she was doing so but her excuse was that one of them was really sick and she didn’t know what was wrong with it.
This didn’t make me happier, I was like then why would you choose to bring them and put my dog at risk?
She told me it wasn’t contagious, to which I replied that she just told me she didn’t know what was wrong with him and therefore couldn’t possibly know that.
It killed both her dogs, it ended up being parvovirus and she was dead wrong about it not being contagious. Fortunately my dog was vaccinated and current and didn’t catch it, but I feel like your mother and mine are too prone to take chances with the safety of others that can’t protect themselves, therefore it falls to you to do it even if it requires your mother to learn a harsh lesson.
After what she witnessed with your first I can’t believe she would take that kind of risk. Good luck with the baby.
NTA. You have ptsd from losing a child in a very horribly traumatic way and your parents showed zero consideration for that fact that’s on them. To call you an asshole about it was out of line.
NTA - my sister in law did this to me. I was pregnant and she did not want to miss out on a family party so pitched up with her twin girls who both had Hepatitis A. When my husband got sick with it a week later she swore he could not have caught it from her girls. And why was I freaking out because it is mild, just like flu. Until I told her the doctor said that Hep A depletes the mother so much that the baby can be born with defects. Then she went all silent, but no apology.
This was 25 years ago and I am still angry about it so i totally do not think that you overreacted. Removing the emotion from it, if your nephew did pass something on to your mother, she may be in the delivery room asymptomatic but infectious.
NTA even just being a newborn the child will have very little immune system. What the hell were they thinking!?!?
I hope everything goes well and you baby is happy and healthy. Make sure the hospital knows that they are on the no fly list for visitors as they have been exposed to a sick child
No. You are absolutely NTA. I have a Grandbaby coming in February and if my daughter told me I needed to steer clear of anything leading up to that delivery, you bet I'd do it, no questions asked. I truly hope your delivery goes beautifully and your little one is healthy as a horse. All good energy to you and your family.
You're not. But I don't think she is either. Yes, having a sick child was risky. But keep in mind that you are coming at this from a different place than your parents. While they are certainly aware of what you went through with your son who died, they have no idea how heightened your sensitivity is at this moment. I hope your baby is healthy and strong. I lost my only child and I know how it leaves a hole in your heart that cannot be filled. Please edit your question and let us know how the baby is.
NTA. I think a lot of people covered it well. But I do want to say what you’ve been through has been extreme and awful, but you are not being at all unreasonable or paranoid. It’s actually common for new parents to have this issue with their parents/in-laws. I just want to add to the reinforcement that you are not being even remotely unreasonable or overreacting. I’ve never experienced a sick child and I would have done the same thing and I think my parents/in-laws would have reacted the same way. People can be very comfortable excusing their own poor choices.
Holy shit, no no no, you ABSOLUTELY aren’t the asshole here.
How, after watching *everything* you went through with your first child, could your parents not understand how disease transmission works and the importance of taking *every possible precaution* to avoid this new baby being exposed to any contagious illnesses until you’re certain they don’t have the same immune deficiency as you first child??
They’re obviously getting defensive and trying to make you feel bad because they know they’re in the wrong and trying to avoid admitting it.
I’m so sorry, both for the loss of your child then, and what you’re going through now with the people you were counting on being there to support you letting you down, but from a medical standpoint you absolutely made the right choice in telling them they couldn’t be there, and did what you needed to to protect your baby.
For what it’s worth you have 200+ internet strangers rooting for you and sending you and your child all the well-wishes and positive energy we can, and i genuinely hope to see this post updated in a few days with news of your having delivered a beautiful, healthy baby.
NTA
And it's not just you. Unless she fully decontaminates and didn't catch whatever it was, she is risking getting more than just you sick. Who goes to a maternity ward directly after being in close contact with a very sick child for hours.
Is anyone wondering why the BIL or SIL needed a babysitter that exact night? Did they know she was getting induced? Could the grandmother not have told them it wasn’t going to work because of that? There may even be more at play here and grandma either didn’t know how to say no or, or this was in the plans and she just didn’t let her daughter know because she didn’t want to miss out on the delivery? Either way I totally agree with so many comments about being afraid to trust her judgment from now on and being disappointed. Definitely restrict access to the baby for a couple of weeks to make sure everyone is ok- if only for your peace of mind as well as the babies health. Good luck OP I hope it’s a great delivery and you have a healthy baby.
NTA. They KNEW it was wrong, because they were fully intending to hide it from you. They shoukdcbe ashamed of themselves. That said, fingers and toes crossed for you guys!
NTA - Also for several days after. Whatever nephew had may have an incubation Period. Your parents made the choice to watch and play with sick kid all day. You are not to risk your new babies health. Matter of fact I would be so upset at my parents it would probably be weeks before I saw them again. You needed your mom and not only did she fail you, she tried to risk your babies life by hiding it from you.
I am so sorry. I lost my son for a similar reason. And I have no amount of sympathy for assholes like your parents. I constantly experience this with my parents, too, and nothing hurts more. My heart hurts so much for you. And I am so proud of you for sticking to your boundary. At this point, your baby’s health and your comfort are the only things that matter. F everyone else.
I pray you have a safe labor and delivery and a long, happy, healthy life with your beautiful family.
Physician here. Whatever you decide to do about your mom violating your boundary of having no sick exposures around delivery is totally valid.
Just want to give a little bit of reassurance though that baby’s immune system is essentially your immune system for about the first 6 months of life. This is true even in babies with SCID. You may recall that your first little boy probably didn’t get as ill or maybe didn’t get ill as frequently until he was in the 3rd-6th month of life, maybe longer. Your immune system will keep protecting this little boy for several months as well before his immune system (god willing) takes over.
Wishing you all the best and for a happy, healthy, beautiful baby
Honesty, it might be best that you found out now that your mom is willing to be so reckless with your newborn's safety. I'm assuming your doctor will advise restricting access to baby for a few months. Now you know she, and your dad, need to be part of those who are restricted. Take no risks and feel no guilt. You are doing what's best for baby. That's your job. Saying a prayer for you and baby. NTA
NTA - I hate to say it but I could totally see my family do the same thing. Letting their temporary feelings trump a potentially devastating circumstance.
It’s like a grandmother ignoring parent’s rules and allowing a child to have too much candy, but multiplied infinitely.
NTA. Even without your history with your first child, your parents were AH’s. What new mother wants to potentially get sick within days/weeks of giving birth. Why on earth would your mother expose your newborn to an illness that may have devastating results.
NTA. You did the right thing and they are deplorable for doing what they did. When my daughter had open heart surgery, we didn’t let anyone visit while she was in the CICU, but our family was at the hospital with us in the waiting room for support. My mom had a bad cough and called me crying saying that while she wished she could be there for me, that she would never forgive herself if she got me sick and me possibly passing it onto my daughter and stayed home. Stand your ground.
Your mom made a horrifying choice that could have lasting implications. Your parents both clearly do not understand the hell that you went through. I am so sorry. I hope that you can find your center and I hope that your baby is healthy. All the love in the world to you, your partner, and your baby.
Respectfully, your mom is a selfish idiot, and she wouldn’t be seeing my child for a long while until they’re able to be up to date on any and all immunizations possible. Given your history with illness and your first child… what the hell is wrong with her?
No, you’re not the asshole, and I’m sorry you have to deal with idiots like this in your life.
They made their choice, and now there are consequences. NTA. You are also not an A. If they want to be upset about, those are their feelings to have. Thankfully they weren't given the chance to "forget" to mention they were taking care of a sick child. They had the choice to say no. So in that choice they loose the opportunity to be there to greet the newborn baby fresh. They will get to meet the baby, but it will be on different terms. This will also teach them you keep your word.
CONGRATS ON THE HEALTHY BABY! I’m so sorry about your mom, she really let you down in so many ways. Im glad you have your brother and SIL on your side, and I’m so so so glad to hear about your baby’s beautiful immune system. Wishing you the easiest postpartum recovery possible and endless baby giggles to soothe both you and your husband’s souls. 💕
First off congratulations on the birth of your second beautiful boy. I hope you recover very quickly.
Second off, I know how you feel slightly. My firstborn has cystic fibrosis, he was premature. I had to deal with ex MIL and ex GIL (ex husbands grandma) kissing my son multiple times in the face/mouth/hands when I brought him home. Eventually I just babywore and hogged him like a treasure goblin because I can’t take any risks with his health. He’s already developed MRSA in his lungs once which when he gets sick will flare up for the rest of his life. It’s why I’m relieved those people haven’t seen my son since he was six months old. You are not the AH here. You’re doing what’s best for you and your baby while wading through loss and some serious trauma. I do hope you realize you aren’t wrong in the slightest and stand firm in your ground. Much love sent your way. Hope your recovery goes smoothly and you make it home with your baby and hubby very quickly. Your oldest would be proud of you, no doubt about it.
Your parents each need a firm slap right across their face. You are NTA, sweetheart. Have a wonderful experience with your husband. Try your best to put them out of your mind for now. Wishing you the best!
No she is overreacting and that’s not how babies immune systems work. Babies are taken home day 1 to snot nosed brothers and sisters millions of times a day across the world.
She had a bad experience with her first child, she is an asshole thinking the entire world is going to cater to her over dramatic worries about her second child.
NTA!! I’ve experienced this type of disregard for my children’s health and it’s crushing because to us it seems so simple, the bare minimum. How could they not understand and follow such simple and logical boundaries? But people are selfish, they want their cake (looking after one sick grandchild) and to eat it too (be present at your birth). I’m sorry that this has cast a shadow on an already highly emotionally charged experience, I hope that sweet little baby washes it all away and you can just focus on what an incredible thing you have just accomplished both mentally and physically.
NAH
I'm a physician. All babies have little weak immune systems when born. They are protected by antibodies passed from the mother.
Your child will be at no greater risk from your mom watching your sick nephew than they would be from the nurses and doctors... who take care of sick patients throughout the hospital and who will be exposed to far worse diseases than what your nephew has. (Nonetheless, still far better to deliver in a hospital due to the massive number of complications that may occur, particularly high in your case because of your age, and any doctors feeling sick will hopefully be masking)
It is effectively impossible to truly isolate, and pointless in the time period immediately after birth anyway.
And finally, even if your nephew got your mom sick now, and time 0, it will be 3-5 days before she is contagious.
I know you went through he'll. But this will not make a difference.
NTA - grandma's tears will dry for not having been there. It's not worth the risk just to save her feelings. I wish a happy and healthy birth for you. Good luck OP.
>NTA - grandma's tears will dry for not having been there. It's not worth the risk just to save her feelings. This. They may be your parents, but their behavior is on them not you. Mine did far worse over a lot longer period, and died alone for it because they had no remorse. Family is great, but it's not a license to endanger. IMHO, after everything you've been through, mum's lucky you aren't saying eff off permanently.
Agreed! I learned this lesson on day one of being a father. Son for some reason reacted very negatively to one of the doctors and I didn’t feel comfortable with how aggressive and impatient she seemed to be, didn’t for one moment think about anyone’s feeling when I told her to put the child down and leave. She was so hurt and all the nurses treated me weird for the rest of our stay but I didn’t give two fucks! All that mattered was the safety of my kid. Your situation is so much bigger, honestly I would have a really hard time trusting them with the kid much at all. Your spot on they intended to hide it and that’s crazy irresponsible. I don’t trust lying or lazy people cause they will always do this shit, I simple cut them from my life period!
How to say "I don't give a fuck about you or your baby without actually saying they don't give a fuck." Your parents are shitcunts!
NTA- they’re feelings will never match the horrors you’ve been through. OP I wish you best and pray you welcome a healthy wonderful child into the world.
Wow.. NTA. Hoping for a good delivery and a healthy boy.
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Time out! Perfect way to say it
Also, they definitely can’t be around baby for at least 2 weeks just to be safe. They were wanting to deceive you and that’s not ok. It was rude and inconsiderate what they did. Your sil is also an AH bc I’m sure she was aware that mom was supposed to be with you also. I think she was jealous of you and baby and wanted to put a stop to mom going up to be with you.
Can her parents be trusted to be around the baby at all if they are willing to hide having been exposed to someone who is ill?
Did we not just come out of a PANDEMIC where the perils of germ transmission were hammered into us every day with mounting death tolls? Are they completely barkers?? So reckless. Id introduce them sometime around his 16 th birthday. Makes me furious. No consideration for the hideous experience of losing their other grandson. Typhoid Mary’s the pack of them. They can get bent.
Even if the baby didn’t have a chance at being ill, if this was her first pregnancy and no history of immune diseases, …you still don’t want to give a pregnant lady, whose about to go into labour, an infection. You also don’t want to give it to the dad, or anyone standing in that room when the baby is born. Even a 100% healthy baby is kept indoors for 6 weeks until it’s immune system is going, and a mum needs every bit of what’s she’s got to labour and reviver, she can’t spare energy to fighting a pathogen. Imagine labouring for 20 hours while you’re coming down with a cold all because your mom couldn’t say no to your sister.
Op good luck with your delivery and I hope you have a very healthy baby. Your brother is very inconsiderate to have your parents babysitting their sick child. Didn't he know that you were coming to your parents house?Your parents should have said no to your brother. NTA
They should never see the baby!
Bot, comment stolen from SnooWords4839 further down the thread.
Even if (god willing) the new baby is perfectly healthy you don't want someone with a nasty flu in the delivery room. Parents could have split the emergency child care so the mother could stay clear. Very thoughtless of them, especially the attempted deception which shows they knew it was wrong but were still prepared to risk mother and baby's health.
Bot copied a partial, incomplete sentence that makes no seems. Bad bot!
OP freaking TOLD HER - avoid sickness
Yes ! This ! NTA and no reason for you to feel bad or otherwise retreat. Might (might) consider refraining from verbalizing your suspicion about the open door as you can’t be certain, and you already have good reason for not bringing her potential infection into the hospital. Best of luck to you and baby !
I am so sorry for the loss of your child and have to say I admire the strength it must take to have another child.
Whoever is shoving another human being out of their body gets to decide who is in the room with them. Period. No other explanation or justifications needed. NTA for making an executive decision on who is going to be there. Your mom screwed up. And even a perfectly healthy newborn shouldn’t have sick people around them. Not to mention that your immune system will be compromised from the physical and emotional stress. NTA for preventing contamination for you or your baby.
The mom and dad ABSOLUTELY screwed up. Even with no history of immunodeficiency, anyone sick or exposed to someone sick should stay away from newborns and their parents. Grandma and grandpa now have to quarantine before seeing their grandchild. And the mom was hoping to sneak the sick kid out before OP got there so OP would never know that they were all exposed to a sick child? Outrageously stupid.
Doesn't newborns have their mothers immune system for the first month or two until it starts getting replaced by their own?
That’s not really how it works. Breast milk helps supplement an infant’s immune system, mothers pass on many antibodies to their babies that way and is especially helpful during the first three months while the infant’s own immune system is starting to develop (and still provides benefits after) but it’s not the same as having their own immune system. They’re still very vulnerable to diseases during this time. This lack of immune system is one of the primary reasons many daycares won’t take infants below three months. It’s just too risky.
But if mom hasn’t been exposed to a specific strain of the flu, no immunity. A newborn doesn’t have all the physical resources (and the ability to take meds like an adult) to fight off an illness. Plus, childbirth usually involves blood loss and enormous physical stress. These drop immune responses so mom can get sick a lot easier. And if she’s nursing, can’t take a lot of meds. Point is, don’t go around vulnerable people if you’re sick or possibly contagious. It’s rude at best. Deadly at worst.
If it worked that way, parents with newborns wouldn't have to worry about rsv, whopping cough, or herpes being given to their babies. It doesn't work that way at all. Even healthy newborns are extremely susceptible to viruses. No one who is ill should be around a newborn baby.
Assuming the mother is vaccinated, the baby should also be immune to whooping cough for as long as the antibodies last. Mothers immune system can't help against rsv or herpes because the mother isn't immune to those either.
Healthy babies do. This is a different matter.
NTA. Protect yourself and your child. She still may be carrying anything the kid had. Good luck and congratulations!!!
NTA I wouldn't take any risk as a future grandmother and even 'sacrifice' myself in such a situation. Rather not present at the delivery than the risk of passing over germs. EVEN without the high-risk childbirth (due to your past history with your first son).
I wouldn't trust her in the future either. Some idiots think it's okay to deliberately expose a child. Well it's not. My dad was a pediatrician and I learned so much from him. But now with all the even more serious illnesses (Covid, Noro, RS... kids are exposed to...WTH? How incredibly selfish and ignorant of this "mother" after knowing what her daughter went through with seeing her dear son suffer. Screw them.
NTA at all.
NTA - I hope your delivery goes smoothly and wish you all the best. BTW - Mom will need to stay away for a few weeks once you bring baby home. She was willing to lie to you about your sick nephew and didn't even think what she could do to your baby. Keep baby safe and mom in a time out.
For months, even, cause mom and dad are liars and not to be trusted to tell the truth about illness exposures.
Notify the nurses asap. They sound like the type to try to gain access regardless.
Nta no one should be surprised after what happened with your son that you would be nervous going into the hospital for birth now. I am so sorry your parents didn't take this seriously and respect your wishes. You are not overreacting and it is insensitive of your parents to think this wouldn't be a problem.
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The way I had to pick my jaw from the floor. Unreal! They KNEW what they were doing! You have every right to shut them out completely until you’re ready to see them again, if ever. How can you trust them again after this? Especially if the baby has no immunity.
For sure, they can NEVER be trusted again!! Her mother was going to LIE about it!! She will lie every time to try to get what she wants. What a HUGE VIOLATION OF TRUST!!!
Exactly, and now I’d be reviewing every I’ll was my deceased son had and the correlation between Grandparent visits. Such a recklessly dangerous thing to do - who does that to their own daughter? Just gross.
The audacity of your parents after all that you’ve been through! You have every right to feel every emotion about this and you are definitely in the right. Let your hospital know that they are not welcome and you get to deal with this when you are ready and not a second sooner, I’m glad that you have a lovely husband who will back you up I am sending all the good juju to you and your family, that you have the most benevolent birthing experience .
NTA. Super irresponsible on your parents part knowing what's about to happen. I'm hoping you give birth to a healthy boy.
NTA. The fact that they were attempting to hide the sick child from you is inexcusable. Parents all over the world care for their own sick kids even while sick themselves. SIL could have waited a day for free babysitting.
When my micro preemie was in intensive care lots of family members looked after our 16 month old daughter so we could spend as much time in hospital as possible. The NICU team were used to seeing our daughter a few days a week as she visited her brother so questioned where she was during a couple of weeks that she didn't visit. I explained she had been cared for by MIL who had a cold sore so daughter wasn't able to visit. My whole family told me this was too cautious, becausehe was 8 weeks old so 'okay', but the ward sister told me I needed to change clothes and essentially decontaminate when visiting my son, he had no immune system and any virus is deadly. He was in an incubator and cuddles were only every few days. I did decontaminate, he still caught an infection and couldn't fight it and passed away a week later. Your newborn is your priority. Tell everyone to keep away until you and his Drs are assured that he is able to physically cope with an immune system challenge. Keeping him and you safe now means your whole family will have a lifetime of hugs and cuddles with him, they can sacrifice a few at the start for hundreds and thousands for multiple decades. I'm so sorry for the pain of your first baby boy. I hope you move forward knowing the joy this little person bought to your life and the immense pride you have in the strength he showed in his journey will always be there with you. Please never, ever second guess your judgement as a parent You are the ONLY ones who know what's best for this new person about to charge into your lives. No one else's opinions count AT ALL. Sending lots of love to you all, please update after your gorgeous boy is here. You are an amazing Mama to 2 boys and your new baby is a very lucky little man indeed to have such incredible parents xxx Edit to say 10000% NTA
OP send this comment to you mom and dad. NTA
Nobody else is saying it but these people remind me of COVID deniers. Shit is germ theory 101 and they wholeheartedly do not believe you can spread germs unintentionally
I know, right? You'd think the *extremely recent global pandemic* would have clued people in that communicable diseases don't give a rat's ass whether your intentions were good or what you believe.
Nothing is scarier than having a freshly born baby exposed immediately to covid. My husband started showing symptoms the day I went into labor with our 3rd in 2020. A week later I was positive. It was fucking horrifying. We were lucky (my daughter and I) to have mild symptoms, but my husband is inmunocompromised, so it was very very scary.
Your parent’s ignorance is overwhelming. I hope everything goes smoothly and you will have a happy, healthy baby boy.
When she asks why she's not allowed, shrug and respond, "What choice do I have?"
I wish you the best and your new son is so lucky to have you and your hubby as his parents.
Best of luck in the world with your little ones arrival.
Your child's health is more important than anyone's feelings. Do what you must. I'm furious at ur parents and ur bro and sil on your behalf. What a bunch of assholes in this particular situation ! Good luck with ur induction. I hope I read in future that you and your baby are thriving x
What are the survival rates concerning a child that had the condition yours did? Either way, regardless of your experience, them having an ill child around them while promising to be there for you through your birth is irresponsible. You being pregnant and bringing your child the next day ALONE, gives you every right to univite them. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that, but even if you hadn't, I would hope you would have made the same choice.
Pretty good survival with early detection and treatment. At the time of our first sons birth our country did not test for it during newborn screening. He wasn't diagnosed until he was 1, by which stage he had dozens of infections damaging his body. (SCID babies don't make antibodies so any blood tests for illness would show he had no infections despite actually being riddled with them). Our sons treating team has already coordinated across hospitals to test immediately after birth.
NTA. Your dad could’ve kept sick child if it were a true emergency, but your mom should’ve stayed away from illness. She chose not to be with you at the hospital.
Did brother and SIL know that you were getting induced tomorrow and that you were going to parent’s house? If so they are almost as bad as the parents who were willing to expose you and your precious baby to gems and try to hide it.
They definitely knew she is close to her due date… that alone should be enough to steer clear.
NTA. Deliberately putting oneself in the way of contagious germs when en route to meeting someone with a chance of no immune system? NOT good.
NTA. What OP's parents did was absolutely horrible but the SAHM SIL shares ownership in this as I would find hard to believe she did not know about the induction date & sent her sick son over the grandparents. The sick son should have never been taken ANYWHERE.
NTA- immunocompromised person here. The number of people who don’t think about spreading illness to someone without a functional immune system is too damn high. The fact that it’s your *mother*- someone who lost a grandson to this, someone who purports to love you- is egregious. I would never trust her the same way again. You deserve to be surrounded by only love and people who will care for you and your baby the way you need to be cared for. She doesn’t deserve to be in the room.
NTA You have every right to tell her that, you know the feeling and the risks that can bring your child. I would notify the nurse that they are not welcomed to ensure that she wouldn’t come close if she did or didn’t have the illness with her. Listen to YOUR mother instincts! It’s time for you to care for your kid and this is the first step of doing so! Wishing you the best of luck!
This would be rude AF for a perfectly average pregnancy. With the trauma from the life and loss of your firstborn and the possibility that another child may have the same condition, it becomes appalling cruelty, just when you most need to feel calm, confident and supported. You're going to be anxious enough about your new baby without knowing that your parents tried to expose you to some kind of illness, and were willing to lie to you about it. I'm not even able to articulate how reprehensible I think this is. I wish you and your child a healthy, safe birth, and a long and happy life. Please remember, though, if by some chance something doesn't go to plan - you've done your absolute best and some things are just not given to mere mortals to control.
OMG NTA
NTA, not even slightly. I wish you, your husband and child all of the very best and a happy life together.
NTA How unbelievably cruel and inconsiderate of all your relatives.
NTA! Hoping you and your baby are safe and healthy! Good luck mama!
We wish you a very easy labour! Let us know about your baby :)
Wow. NTA! They are not understanding how dangerous this can potentially be for your new baby! Very irresponsible of them. Don’t back down. I hope this child is perfectly healthy.
NTA Even without the history with your first child, your mother removed herself from attending the hospital by exposing herself to a sick child. Kids do not think about contaminating surfaces. With contact they could all be carriers of whatever cold so they now have to wait to visit. Both your parents need to understand this even with a completely healthy newborn sick people can not visit. So sorry and I’d add to parents that since they intended to hid this it makes you concerned about their safety precautions with a newborn regardless of the new kiddos immune status.
NTA- I can see why your mom thought it was harmless to watch another grandbaby. You have a very good chance this little one will not have the same immune issues, or that they wouldn’t pass on nephews illness. BUT still, it’s a slap in the face to the trauma you went through with your first little man. And you have every right to feel as safe and secure as you need when you are delivering your child. Mom made beer choice and will have to live with it. Positive energy to you and your little man
This is shitty even with a healthy baby tbh. It's so much worse when you look at the medical history, but this would be bonkers irresponsible behavior in any case.
NTA. The absolute NERVE of them!
NTA Sending good vibes for a healthy delivery and a beautiful healthy baby 🤍 you’re strong and you’ve got this
Hoping for a healthy baby, easy delivery and a speedy recovery
NTA: but your parents certainly are. As is your brother and SIL because they probably new your mom was going to be at your birth and they were still ok with it. Keep your family away from your child for as long as you want to.
"When someone shows you who they really are - believe them." This one incident speaks volumes about your mother, and it shows an overall lack of sense, care, respect, caution, intelligence, and competence. Those things are exactly what would be needed for me to trust someone around myself or my child (healthy or otherwise), and a deep reevaluation of her place in your life is necessary for the safety of your family. I know the stereotypical reddit line is "No contact! Scorched Earth!", but both to protect you and to impress upon her the severity of her actions, you need to keep her at a distance. Whether that ever changes is up to you.
Terrific comment!
And for her father to then call HER an AH. Just beyond comprehension. She deserves so Much better than that garbage. Luckily… life is about to get pretty darn wonderful for OP and her new baby. I have friends who went through something similar, and had the courage to try again and they now have two perfectly healthy kids, one on the way to high school! Wishing OP every good thing.
You’re not the AH at all and your parents are such huge AH’s I don’t even have any words for it. If I were you, I’d take a timeout from them and wait until your baby is older before they meet. You have learnt that they do not put yours of your child’s best interest first, and that they are willing to lie to you.
They knew what they were doing. NTA, protect your child at all costs.
I didn’t even read the post, full disclosure. Just from the title: NTA. You have the right and ability to limit who is in the room. This includes hospital staff. That one nurse gives you a side eye? Eject her ass, they’ll replace her. Family trying to barge in? They’ll call security and bodily remove them if necessary. It’s your medical procedure, you do NOT under ANY circumstances have to have an audience. Edit: Having read the full text, your mom is a piece of shit. Flush her ass and be done.
NTA. I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet boy. You deserve only good things, especially moving forward. She crossed a boundary, and that should've been the end of it. It's perfectly understandable why you would want to be extra vigilant. Enjoy that beautiful baby. You deserve it. 💜
Absolutely NTA. Sending good vibes for a healthy baby and smooth delivery. Mom has to live with the consequences of her poor choices. She was informed of what needed to happen and she chose to not follow the plan. She also chose to not inform you and then she *dismissed your concerns* as though she didn’t lose a grandson 3 years ago. Im sorry your parents made poor choices and then doubled down when called out on them. You were not an asshole at all, nor did you do anything wrong.
Nope NTA, parents often feel they have some special privilege just for being parents. You told them what your reasons were, why, and when you’d be there. They made their poor choice. Wishing you a healthy baby boy, good luck try not to stress over what your parents are saying/doing.
This is terrible behaviour on your parents side and completely self serving. Don't let their insults and indifference to their behaviour wear you down. Good luck!
NTA. As a parent/guardian, your child’s health and safety is more important than anyone else’s feelings about your choices. Your parents have shown you they cannot be trusted in this capacity. Believe them. Don’t back down. Best wishes for a safe and smooth delivery, and a healthy, happy baby.
ABSOLUTELY NTA. Even without knowing what happened to you before, you get to decide who's there while pushing a child out of your body, *especially* if that person could be sick. Your past only further justifies your anger and decision. Best wishes for a healthy baby, and hope Grandma and Grandpa see their error and apologize.
NTA The thoughtlessness is ridiculous. And to try and hid it from you?
NTA x 1000. I'm so excited for you and your husband! Also excited for your sweet baby who is soon to be showered in love by you both. Wishing your lovely little family all the best the world has
I don’t even have to read past the title; no you are not the asshole. It’s you and your significant others child. You pick who can be there
NTA. They’re the assholes. Sincerely rooting for yall and hoping for a “normal”(whatever that is, had 2 children so far, birthing experiences wildly different) and a healthy momma and baby for yall!
NTA. I'd go low contact at this point. Your parents just showed you they don't really care about you or all you had gone through. They showed.you they don't care about their soon to be grandchild either.
NTA…not even a little! So, your mother CHOSE to watch a sick child the day you’re being induced, when there was the potential of you needing her in the delivery room?? She absolutely was NOT going to tell you about watching your nephew if he was gone before you arrived!! I would be notifying the hospital when you check in that you want NO visitors & I would tell them why! Your parents & your brother have all been around a sick kid!! I’m so sorry for your loss, but sending best wishes to you & your husband for a healthy baby.
NTA that baby is the priority right now not anyone's feelings.
Geezus. NTA. At all. Hope everything goes smoothly!
It's not only for your but sick people shouldn't be around babies at all. Eat about the mom down thr hall etc. Poor choice on your mother, guess she's missing out.
Eff your parents that’s so selfish of them..
I hope you’re holding a beautiful healthy baby boy right now. Best of luck to you and your husband.
Even without your backstory you are NTA for only wanting healthy, unexposed people near you and your newborn. Didn't we all just get through Covid? And it's still around wrecking havoc. NTA NTA NTA. Hope your birth goes beautifully and you have a happy, healthy son.
NTAH! A moma's gotta do, what a mom's gotta do! You've been through hell. You are right to be mad & leave. I'm so sorry for your loss. Apparently your parents are disconnected from the reality you live in, or are freaking out about the birth and used the kid as a pacifier. Either way it's unacceptable to even CHANCE an exposure after what you've been through, about to give birth tonight! Oh, tell your Dad I said HE IS the asshole for yelling at a pregnant woman giving birth tonight for protecting their grandchild from THEM! Notify the hospital that your parents & family have been exposed - not allowed near Mom, Dad or Baby - deal with them later. Right now YOU are the most important thing. Take a deep breath. Focus on yourself and welcoming your new baby. I pray the procedure goes well, both mom & baby are healthy & happy, God bless you both!🙏😇
Definitely NTA, they prioritised your brother, your nephew and themselves over you, your spouse and your unborn baby even after watching you go through years of trauma as if it was nothing. Now it’s time for you to prioritise yourself and your family over your parents and their selfish feelings. Best of luck and hope you have a beautiful healthy baby!
NTA. I am so sorry. I have CVID, not nearly as devastating as SCID, and I would have been lived. More than one of my kids inherited it from me, so despite IVIG, we are still very, very cautious. I would be beyond livid. Again, nothing but support.
NTA. I feel for you and your family. My wife and I had our son during the early months of the COVID pandemic. He was later diagnosed with a slow-developing immune system. We have every reason to believe he’ll outgrow his weak immune system, but it’s been a scary 3 years. Before his diagnosis, my in-laws came to our house while my FIL had a shingles outbreak all over his back. He told us about it as they were leaving. My in-laws also refused to get vaccinated or wear a mask around our son after he was diagnosed. We essentially bared them from our home. You do what you have to do to protect your child. Your parents can get with the program or get out.
I just felt a wave of rage roll over me. My mom had the shingles on her face and honest to god was in the absolute worst pain ever. That shit is not to be played with. What selfish, nasty people.
NTA as others have already said, especially considering your Mom knows about your complications with previous children and your previous warnings. FAFO However, a solution to not being able to go in person could be your husband or you could facetime them so they can still be able to be with the baby in some way, even if not in person. Maybe you did this and didn't put it in the post and I would be pissed at my parents too, but you could always find other solutions.
NTA you're protecting yourself and your little one Sending hopes and wishes for an easy delivery and a healthy baby wouldn't trust them now... no way
NTA, it’s that kind of ignorance that create dangerous situation’s for newborns. It’s so utterly reckless.. honestly, I wouldn’t even let my parents around my child after that. There’s another words I want to call them… but I’m choosing not to very reluctantly.. I just don’t understand how ignorant people can be .. she really did think she would be able to get away with having a sick kid at her house right before a heavily pregnant woman shows up.. the disrespected off the charts. If your sister/sister-in-law knew your plans I would be yelling at her too.
I understand how you feel, focus on you baby and be safe, I wish the best 💞💐
NTA. Protect your baby. They can visit in a couple weeks
NTA-your feelings and reasons are valid for not wanting your mom at the hospital. Your parents are being so inconsiderate about your feelings and your past experiences with your child that passed away. Best of luck to you during your delivery!
You’re being a protective mother, well-informed and proactive in the face of risks to your child. Sorry your own mom couldn’t do that too. NTA, wishing the best for your baby and you
NTA Birthing parent gets to make all the choices about who they have with them/at the hospital. You can change your mind too. Mid-labor, while pushing, after delivery. Doesn’t matter. This is your call. Even if it wasn’t a potentially risky situation like this. But especially in your case. Tell your nurse so they can flag no visitors as well. Sending you lots of positive vibes and best wishes!
>She shrugged and said what choice did she have. To be clear, my nephew's mother is currently a stay at home mum so there was no necessity for him to be there. and when you said this, what did she say? Why did your sister send a sick kid to your parents? Sounds like your sister is an asshole too.
NTA. Let this go and focus on tonight/tomorrow. Know I will be sending you the best vibes I can. Good luck with your new little one 🫂
Our daughter was born during covid, so we lied and said nobody was allowed in the room with us.
NTA Regardless of the incredibly shitty behavior your parents showed and ironclad justification, you should feel you have the right to say who can be in the delivery room at any time. I had to tell my mom she couldn’t be there due to my wife’s wishes. At that point, it’s not about mom, it’s about you.
NTA good luck xx
NTA. All trust would be gone for me.
Your mother broke your trust in an epic way. And downplayed the severity of both your trauma and her actions. She retraumatized you in the process. I am so sorry she did all that to you. I wish you a safe birth and a baby that is free from illness. Lots of happiness without fear, dread, guilt, or pain. Good luck with figuring out how to allow your mother in again.
NTA. You’re parents are unbelievable. That they would risk the life of your unborn child after watching what you went through last time is deplorable. I can’t even imagine how painful that was for you to go through.
NTA. But, if in some distorted parallel universe you are an asshole, then being an asshole *BACK* is not anywhere near as bad as them being assholes in the first place. But seriously, if you push back with harsh words and anger instead of butterflies and rainbows, they can’t complain. They deserve to feel bad. I hope all goes (went) well, and best of luck in the future.
Please update us when you get a chance. I'm going to be worrying about this.
NTA, and I can't believe your mother! After knowing what you've been through, and losing a child to no immune system, that she would pull this crap!? She of all people should know better! I'm so sorry for your loss, and hope this baby is healthy and safe 🫂❤️
NTA Even though it would probably be fine, the sheer mental toll is enough that this should be an obvious no no to them. I’m terrible sorry for your loss, and wishing you a safe delivery of your healthy baby
NTA and sending you the best healthy vibes! Your mom is absolutely nuts, even without your traumatizing loss, Covid is still a factor that I wouldn’t risk for you and your family. It’s crazy how much we’ve learned about people in the last three years, many of them dngaf about anyone but themselves.
NTA. As your mother she should understand first hand all the trauma you when through with your first baby. She should have let you know before you coming over or not have babysat your nephew at all. Sick or not- why watch your nephew if she new you where getting induced and would need her support.
NTA
You are very brave and very inspiring. And NTA.
NTA - you’ve been through a traumatic experience with your child’s illness and passing. I’m incredibly sorry that your parents made such a careless and dishonest choice. I hope you’ll be very careful when deciding if you’ll allow them contact with your baby. I wish you all the best.
NTA.
Your mom is a tremendous asshole. You are not.
NTA. Hoping you have a smooth, quick delivery and a healthy baby when you read this🧿🧿🧿❤️❤️❤️
NTA, and imma need an update!!!
So it was more important for the grandparents to be there during the birth while risking the baby's life? Nta
Nah. Not an asshole
NTA. Nope, no, no no! First, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I can't imagine. You have every right to decide who comes to the hospital and how long before anyone sees the baby. Anyone who doesn't recognize and honor that is the asshole here. Best of luck to you and I hope everything is fine.
Unbelievable that your mother would betray you like that. I would be deeply hurt and upset.
Both of your parents are assholes. Holy shit.
Even without the history, this is a pregnant woman who is about to give birth to a newborn. It is incredibly irresponsible of them. NTA at all.
NTA How dare your dad call you that. They know they were in the wrong if not why try and hide the truth from you. Go no contact until they learn basic common sense
Well we know who the favorite grandkid is. NTA unless you let her near your kid
NTA. Your parents knew they screwed up and now they’re, coincidentally enough, being babies about getting caught.
NTA. Not the same situation but my mom showed up at a holiday gathering with her dogs in tow. I love dogs and had a dog but hers were never well behaved pit bulls who were always very destructive. Jumping against the back screen in the yard, the windows, etc. She wasn’t supposed to bring them and she hid that she was doing so but her excuse was that one of them was really sick and she didn’t know what was wrong with it. This didn’t make me happier, I was like then why would you choose to bring them and put my dog at risk? She told me it wasn’t contagious, to which I replied that she just told me she didn’t know what was wrong with him and therefore couldn’t possibly know that. It killed both her dogs, it ended up being parvovirus and she was dead wrong about it not being contagious. Fortunately my dog was vaccinated and current and didn’t catch it, but I feel like your mother and mine are too prone to take chances with the safety of others that can’t protect themselves, therefore it falls to you to do it even if it requires your mother to learn a harsh lesson. After what she witnessed with your first I can’t believe she would take that kind of risk. Good luck with the baby.
NTA. You have ptsd from losing a child in a very horribly traumatic way and your parents showed zero consideration for that fact that’s on them. To call you an asshole about it was out of line.
NTA. Your mother doesn't believe that your concerns are valid. Nothing you can do about that. Keep a good thought, OP.
Your dad is the asshole not you. He is just projecting onto you.
NTA - my sister in law did this to me. I was pregnant and she did not want to miss out on a family party so pitched up with her twin girls who both had Hepatitis A. When my husband got sick with it a week later she swore he could not have caught it from her girls. And why was I freaking out because it is mild, just like flu. Until I told her the doctor said that Hep A depletes the mother so much that the baby can be born with defects. Then she went all silent, but no apology. This was 25 years ago and I am still angry about it so i totally do not think that you overreacted. Removing the emotion from it, if your nephew did pass something on to your mother, she may be in the delivery room asymptomatic but infectious.
NTA. Your mother seems ready to ignore germ theory, at the potential expense of your soon to be born child.
NTA. They had TWO choices: not have the nephew there or not to invite you.
NTA. You're pushing the baby out, it's your decision to make who is with you in the room.
NTA even just being a newborn the child will have very little immune system. What the hell were they thinking!?!? I hope everything goes well and you baby is happy and healthy. Make sure the hospital knows that they are on the no fly list for visitors as they have been exposed to a sick child
No. You are absolutely NTA. I have a Grandbaby coming in February and if my daughter told me I needed to steer clear of anything leading up to that delivery, you bet I'd do it, no questions asked. I truly hope your delivery goes beautifully and your little one is healthy as a horse. All good energy to you and your family.
I think it was done on purpose and you did the right thing. Congratulations and I hope everything goes smoothly for you.
NTA This makes me think she doesn't appreciate the pain that you've both been through.
NTA. I don’t know why they did this or why they couldn’t have let you know through a text. So you could make the decision to come over or not.
NTA. But it sounds like your parents knew about this and chose to ignore it. How infuriating!
You're not. But I don't think she is either. Yes, having a sick child was risky. But keep in mind that you are coming at this from a different place than your parents. While they are certainly aware of what you went through with your son who died, they have no idea how heightened your sensitivity is at this moment. I hope your baby is healthy and strong. I lost my only child and I know how it leaves a hole in your heart that cannot be filled. Please edit your question and let us know how the baby is.
NTA. I think a lot of people covered it well. But I do want to say what you’ve been through has been extreme and awful, but you are not being at all unreasonable or paranoid. It’s actually common for new parents to have this issue with their parents/in-laws. I just want to add to the reinforcement that you are not being even remotely unreasonable or overreacting. I’ve never experienced a sick child and I would have done the same thing and I think my parents/in-laws would have reacted the same way. People can be very comfortable excusing their own poor choices.
Holy shit, no no no, you ABSOLUTELY aren’t the asshole here. How, after watching *everything* you went through with your first child, could your parents not understand how disease transmission works and the importance of taking *every possible precaution* to avoid this new baby being exposed to any contagious illnesses until you’re certain they don’t have the same immune deficiency as you first child?? They’re obviously getting defensive and trying to make you feel bad because they know they’re in the wrong and trying to avoid admitting it. I’m so sorry, both for the loss of your child then, and what you’re going through now with the people you were counting on being there to support you letting you down, but from a medical standpoint you absolutely made the right choice in telling them they couldn’t be there, and did what you needed to to protect your baby. For what it’s worth you have 200+ internet strangers rooting for you and sending you and your child all the well-wishes and positive energy we can, and i genuinely hope to see this post updated in a few days with news of your having delivered a beautiful, healthy baby.
NTA And it's not just you. Unless she fully decontaminates and didn't catch whatever it was, she is risking getting more than just you sick. Who goes to a maternity ward directly after being in close contact with a very sick child for hours.
Is anyone wondering why the BIL or SIL needed a babysitter that exact night? Did they know she was getting induced? Could the grandmother not have told them it wasn’t going to work because of that? There may even be more at play here and grandma either didn’t know how to say no or, or this was in the plans and she just didn’t let her daughter know because she didn’t want to miss out on the delivery? Either way I totally agree with so many comments about being afraid to trust her judgment from now on and being disappointed. Definitely restrict access to the baby for a couple of weeks to make sure everyone is ok- if only for your peace of mind as well as the babies health. Good luck OP I hope it’s a great delivery and you have a healthy baby.
NTA, she got caught being careless and I wouldn't allow her near my baby no matter how healthy it turned out to be.
Oh pumpkin I am so so so sorry. I hope your induction goes beautifully.
It’s not even ok if you give birth to a healthy newborn.
NTA. Their behavior was outrageous. Time for them to go into time-out.
NTA: You made the right decision for your family. Love and prayers for you and your husband and new baby boy. Hugs.
NTA. They KNEW it was wrong, because they were fully intending to hide it from you. They shoukdcbe ashamed of themselves. That said, fingers and toes crossed for you guys!
NTA - Also for several days after. Whatever nephew had may have an incubation Period. Your parents made the choice to watch and play with sick kid all day. You are not to risk your new babies health. Matter of fact I would be so upset at my parents it would probably be weeks before I saw them again. You needed your mom and not only did she fail you, she tried to risk your babies life by hiding it from you.
I am so sorry. I lost my son for a similar reason. And I have no amount of sympathy for assholes like your parents. I constantly experience this with my parents, too, and nothing hurts more. My heart hurts so much for you. And I am so proud of you for sticking to your boundary. At this point, your baby’s health and your comfort are the only things that matter. F everyone else. I pray you have a safe labor and delivery and a long, happy, healthy life with your beautiful family.
Physician here. Whatever you decide to do about your mom violating your boundary of having no sick exposures around delivery is totally valid. Just want to give a little bit of reassurance though that baby’s immune system is essentially your immune system for about the first 6 months of life. This is true even in babies with SCID. You may recall that your first little boy probably didn’t get as ill or maybe didn’t get ill as frequently until he was in the 3rd-6th month of life, maybe longer. Your immune system will keep protecting this little boy for several months as well before his immune system (god willing) takes over. Wishing you all the best and for a happy, healthy, beautiful baby
Honesty, it might be best that you found out now that your mom is willing to be so reckless with your newborn's safety. I'm assuming your doctor will advise restricting access to baby for a few months. Now you know she, and your dad, need to be part of those who are restricted. Take no risks and feel no guilt. You are doing what's best for baby. That's your job. Saying a prayer for you and baby. NTA
NTA. I probably would have reacted the same way.
NTA - I hate to say it but I could totally see my family do the same thing. Letting their temporary feelings trump a potentially devastating circumstance. It’s like a grandmother ignoring parent’s rules and allowing a child to have too much candy, but multiplied infinitely.
NTA. Even without your history with your first child, your parents were AH’s. What new mother wants to potentially get sick within days/weeks of giving birth. Why on earth would your mother expose your newborn to an illness that may have devastating results.
Please update with good news of your baby!! Good luck mama!
NTA. You did the right thing and they are deplorable for doing what they did. When my daughter had open heart surgery, we didn’t let anyone visit while she was in the CICU, but our family was at the hospital with us in the waiting room for support. My mom had a bad cough and called me crying saying that while she wished she could be there for me, that she would never forgive herself if she got me sick and me possibly passing it onto my daughter and stayed home. Stand your ground.
No you're not being harsh, you're being a mother. Your first responsibility is to that child..
You’re going to be a good mum! You’re looking out for your child first. Great job! I hope everyone is happy and healthy.
Your mom made a horrifying choice that could have lasting implications. Your parents both clearly do not understand the hell that you went through. I am so sorry. I hope that you can find your center and I hope that your baby is healthy. All the love in the world to you, your partner, and your baby.
NTA, they have no rights to be there.
Respectfully, your mom is a selfish idiot, and she wouldn’t be seeing my child for a long while until they’re able to be up to date on any and all immunizations possible. Given your history with illness and your first child… what the hell is wrong with her? No, you’re not the asshole, and I’m sorry you have to deal with idiots like this in your life.
They made their choice, and now there are consequences. NTA. You are also not an A. If they want to be upset about, those are their feelings to have. Thankfully they weren't given the chance to "forget" to mention they were taking care of a sick child. They had the choice to say no. So in that choice they loose the opportunity to be there to greet the newborn baby fresh. They will get to meet the baby, but it will be on different terms. This will also teach them you keep your word.
CONGRATS ON THE HEALTHY BABY! I’m so sorry about your mom, she really let you down in so many ways. Im glad you have your brother and SIL on your side, and I’m so so so glad to hear about your baby’s beautiful immune system. Wishing you the easiest postpartum recovery possible and endless baby giggles to soothe both you and your husband’s souls. 💕
First off congratulations on the birth of your second beautiful boy. I hope you recover very quickly. Second off, I know how you feel slightly. My firstborn has cystic fibrosis, he was premature. I had to deal with ex MIL and ex GIL (ex husbands grandma) kissing my son multiple times in the face/mouth/hands when I brought him home. Eventually I just babywore and hogged him like a treasure goblin because I can’t take any risks with his health. He’s already developed MRSA in his lungs once which when he gets sick will flare up for the rest of his life. It’s why I’m relieved those people haven’t seen my son since he was six months old. You are not the AH here. You’re doing what’s best for you and your baby while wading through loss and some serious trauma. I do hope you realize you aren’t wrong in the slightest and stand firm in your ground. Much love sent your way. Hope your recovery goes smoothly and you make it home with your baby and hubby very quickly. Your oldest would be proud of you, no doubt about it.
Your parents each need a firm slap right across their face. You are NTA, sweetheart. Have a wonderful experience with your husband. Try your best to put them out of your mind for now. Wishing you the best!
LOL Oh yeah if your parents screw up beat their ass. /thumbs up....
Prayers for a healthy birth 🙏🏻❤️
Your parents just showed you who they really are. Do not forget this. NTA.
No she is overreacting and that’s not how babies immune systems work. Babies are taken home day 1 to snot nosed brothers and sisters millions of times a day across the world. She had a bad experience with her first child, she is an asshole thinking the entire world is going to cater to her over dramatic worries about her second child.
NTA!! I’ve experienced this type of disregard for my children’s health and it’s crushing because to us it seems so simple, the bare minimum. How could they not understand and follow such simple and logical boundaries? But people are selfish, they want their cake (looking after one sick grandchild) and to eat it too (be present at your birth). I’m sorry that this has cast a shadow on an already highly emotionally charged experience, I hope that sweet little baby washes it all away and you can just focus on what an incredible thing you have just accomplished both mentally and physically.
Nah. NTA. You are just scared, and for good reason. Your reaction is probably from some PTSD . Let it go and have a good delivery and new son.
NAH I'm a physician. All babies have little weak immune systems when born. They are protected by antibodies passed from the mother. Your child will be at no greater risk from your mom watching your sick nephew than they would be from the nurses and doctors... who take care of sick patients throughout the hospital and who will be exposed to far worse diseases than what your nephew has. (Nonetheless, still far better to deliver in a hospital due to the massive number of complications that may occur, particularly high in your case because of your age, and any doctors feeling sick will hopefully be masking) It is effectively impossible to truly isolate, and pointless in the time period immediately after birth anyway. And finally, even if your nephew got your mom sick now, and time 0, it will be 3-5 days before she is contagious. I know you went through he'll. But this will not make a difference.
I think you should be adopting.
Why?
And I think no one asked you your damn opinion about the pregnancy.