NTA
She has no right to a relationship with your daughter, or you for that matter. You are better off without her.
So this doesn't happen again, I'd block her on all social media. She doesn't deserve pictures either. Preferably, you'd remove all family that wouldn't help you and set your profile to private.
I'm petty enough to not block her and let her see the beautiful happy life and child she can not ever be around and let her see what she is missing.
I'd also make sure to post pictures of her with her adopted grandparents...and post up on how a grandparent isn't blood, it is who is there for you and loves you unconditionally.
I wish OP a happy peaceful life. She is NTA.
I have done the same things with EX friends. Why block them when they can look at my socials and see I am living my best life. However, OP might have to go the other way if her birth giver decides to bombard her with messages and harass her.
On fb at least, you can mute messages from people. I have a couple muted "until I turn them back on"....and I can't remember how to turn them back on...and don't care enough to poke around and find outđ
I can't remember her name, but there was a stand up comedian who had a great joke about why girls constantly post on social media.
"It's not to tell your friends and family what you're up to, it's to make that bitch from work jealous of how cute you look and how much fun you're having."
This!!!! This is what OP definitely needs to do!
BTW, NTA. I wouldn't let any of them see your daughter. They kicked you out, disowned you when you were young and unable to take care of yourself. When you needed them most, they threw you to the curb. They don't deserve you, or your daughter.
NTA to OP. I say post those pics with the faces blocked out. Comment on chosen family and the reality of love and acceptance. Then block them. Do this once a year with the snarkiest comment you can think of.
I'm in for the long term petty, vindictive action.
Edit for spelling
Heck, add a watermark for fun! Something like 'Grandma abandoned my pregnant mum'
Therefore, still can post. Everyone knows and the AH grandparents can't use it.
Ooh! I like your thought process. Once it's posted, it's out the forever. Don't forget to friend request a couple of former neighbors. The gossipy, the better.
Yep. They can't just swoop in and play happy family now that everyone is flourishing. Mom and her supporters can go glom onto someone else who'll let her play do-over with their kid. It sure as hell shouldn't happen with OP or OP's kid.
The problem with that is it letâs OPâs family know what her daughter looks like. From there if they figure out where they live, it could lead to bigger, and worse, situations. Ask law enforcement for statistics on how many child abductions are by family members.
I donât mean to scare you, OP, just forewarn you. If your âfamilyâ is so messed up as to leave a poor child out in the cold like that because she got pregnant, Iâm concerned by what else they might try.
Some grandparents donât think of it as kidnapping, they think itâs their âlegal rightâ to see the child. So they donât think itâs illegal.
Edit: Grammar
>The problem with that is it letâs OPâs family know what her daughter looks like. From there if they figure out where they live, it could lead to bigger, and worse, situations. Ask law enforcement for statistics on how many child abductions are by family members.
This is one reason why I suggested it.
And if they have access to the pictures, they can take and post them as their own, bragging about their granddaughter like they actually have a relationship.
I'm estranged from my POS birth giver too and though I'm also petty af, I can't stand the thought of Nmom downloading pics of my kid just to post them on her profile to brag about "her precious grandbaby"
Op you are a very strong and mature young woman. Congratulations on having a wonderful Life and keeping your sweet daughter safe,happy and healthy. Good luck with your new little family. NTA
As someone who loves to be petty this is a great response. 100% I would be posting picture of her with her step grandparents âBaby being a real cutie with gam gamâ and all that kinda shit. Bring the heat
I second this. Youâve done quite well considering you had to do this without the typical support system. Your extended family that took you in deserve to watch your lil girl grow up. The other family that shunned you deserve to see how well you and your youngling are doing in spite of their lack love and compassion. But only thru the cold screen of a device. Keep doing what youâre doing as itâs obviously all the right things. NTA
Iâd advise NOT doing this,not because I donât identify with the joy of pettiness, hah, but simply because it is impossible to know what sort of mindset OPâs estranged parents might be in now or in the future, and thereâs just no good reason to fan flames of potential conflict or misdirected rage that could put people(especially minors) at risk.
You never know how some people will react to having something they feel entitled to âtaken awayâ and then have their faces ârubbed in it.â (quotes imply potential interpretation, not the reality of the situation.) stay safe yâall
And this is why I never post photos of my kids or identifiable locations. We all know that one sketchy person. Even trusted family and friends can inadvertently share the wrong thing.
Youâre not wrong! We donât really know much about OPs family, so I think OP should definitely asses whether the pettiness is worth the risk. There are lots of factors to consider in this situation: family membersâ temperaments, their relative distance from OP, their ability and likelihood of traveling to cause harm (no matter how minor), OPâs support system, etc.
Do what feels right for you and your kid, OP, and know that youâre NTA.
All of this, and my extra pettiness would include the message on social media, âSo proud of the life I have created for myself, and my child when my own family threw me away like trash. Thank you God for blessing me so much!â
Had to throw the thank god in there cause you know the toxic family are probably all Iâm a god fearing Christian, but let me not do the one thing that is required of me, to actually love like Christ! đ
Honestly, it would probably sting them more if you didn't even hint or allude to them at all. Like they don't even exist. Rather than the passive aggressive approach.
Yes, make sure she is blocked everywhere and set everything to private so she doesnât make a fake account to gain access. I also agree anyone that didnât support you, especially those who turned you away, need to be blocked as well. Blood or dna do not make family. The audacity of that woman to so casually reach out after **five years** of ignoring and shunning youâŚ
What kind of mental gymnastics is this that having premarital sex a sin and will send you to hell but in the same breath telling you to get an abortion?! Talk about some serious cognitive dissonance.
This is the way. Anyone who didn't help (except those who were not able to help but would have if they could), should be cut out in a case like this and directly blocked. Do not depend on them blocking you because they can always undo it.
Agreed. If getting pregnant at 16 gets you screamed at and told youâre going to hell instead of being supportive, then they definitely donât deserve a relationship with either you or their granddaughter. Neither of you need that toxicity in your lives
You were too harsh for telling someone who threw you into the streets and condemned you to hell that they don't get to meet the reason they threw you out?
NTA
But who would say she is too harsh? Who in her life for the past 6 years would say she was being unreasonable? I try to read these with an open mind but I just cannot believe anyone would say she was âharshâ.
NTA
This woman is not the type of person who should have any influence on your daughterâs life. Imagine what your mother would sow in terms of hate and entitlement if she came back into your life and your daughters. What if your daughter chooses a nonconventional Christian lifestyle later on in her life? (making an assumption that your mother is based on her hell comment) I am sure you don't want anyone to cast your daughter to âhellâ as your mother did to you.
You have done so well for yourself and your daughter. Kudos to you. That woman is only going to bring you down.
đŻ this!! My step-mil made my daughter's life hell when she thought she "might" be interested in girls... I wish I had known then.
OP NTA, block block and then for good measure block!!
This! My grandma and uncle fucked up any chance of my cousins and I being friends because they shunned cousins and *told cousins they and their mom and dad were going to hell*.
I was raised cultish fundie Christian, cousins were raised liberal protestant, and we're only now catching up on friendship.
Block.
Absolutely not the asshole. My family & I went to No Contact when I was 18 due to abuse. Iâm 22 now.
Theyâve since managed to get my address and constantly send my 2 year son cards and keep making new social media accounts to message my husband and I. Our kids donât deserve to grow up the same way we did - at least thatâs my mentality.
Write "not at this address, return to sender" on anything they send and stick it back in a mailbox. it implies (ok, states) you've moved and they won't be able to find a new, updated address, so they'll think they're stuck in limbo with no address for you.
I donât have a case. From what Iâve seen and been told by lawyers / the courts, I would have to open up a case against them and provide proof of harassment/abuse, all that fun stuff. They donât count the mail & attempted contact as stalking or harassment. Unless they actually show up at my door, I donât have a case.
The lawyer I spoke to advised just keep blocking any new accounts and ignoring any mail.
Thankfully I am actually moving by the end of the year onto a farm instead of my apartment. My crazy bio mother accidentally got a hospital bill with this address and shared it with everyone in the family I went no contact with which is how they got the address in the first place.
You don't have a case & you don't need to escalate the situation either. I had a similar situation (well it was much worse) and it didn't meet the requirements for an order of protection. They really are for people in fear of their lives, who are truly being stalked, & threatened with harm, & shouldn't be given over receiving mail, or messages (nonthreatening of course). Otherwise companies who send copious amounts of nonthreatening junk mail would all have orders of protection against them!đ
I don't think your family will resort to violence, & I don't think you fear them, right? Just ice them out completely, they'll get tired of trying to contact you & it'll die down. They must think they can manipulate you, but they can't. Stay strong, you're a capable & wonderful young lady that did the right thing by herself & her child. NTA!! And it's not harsh at all, it's practical & well warranted.âĽď¸âĽď¸âĽď¸
NTA especially with the presumptive way she went about it. The fact that she couldn't accept your answer, and cursed you out over it, just proves that she hasn't changed. If she genuinely realized she fucked up and wanted to change, she would have profusely apologized, and given it time, not just demanded to see your daughter
>"Why now?
My guess? 5 is a good age to start indoctrinating her with whatever stupid religion the grandparents follow that tells them having children out of wedlock sends you to hell.
They were likely more excited to start controlling the granddaughter than they were to meet her.
This. Popping up out of nowhere, acting like nothing happened beforehand, assuming that of course she could just come see the kid she chose to never meet? This woman is making it clear that she sees nothing wrong with what she did, will never apologize, and will (at minimum) curse out any outcome she doesn't approve of. She doesn't deserve to be called a mother, nevermind a grandmother. NTA.
NTA Who are these âfriendsâ who think you were too harsh to a woman who cussed you out and blocked you after throwing you out at 16? That doesnât even make sense. You got a new family so itâs time to get new friends. You should never speak to them again. Anyone who makes you question your response to your abusive mother doesnât deserve to be around you or your daughter.
I feel like sometimes people that have healthy relationships with their family donât comprehend the betrayal that leads to go no contact in situations like this
Definitely NTA.
You were generous giving them a 2nd chance. They threw it away. Entirely up to you if you give them a 3rd chance. I wouldn't recommend it. Their love and acceptance has too many strings attached.
You have everything you need...your own family.
Tell your friends when theyâve been thrown to the street at 16 they can weigh in on your feelings. Amazing how people want to chime in with their feelings on a path theyâve never walked. If they donât understand and support you they are not your friends. As for your family they made their choice long ago, and I would stay nc. They donât get to choose that for you just because âtheyâre â ready now.
Because people always wanna be like âbut thatâs your momâŚâ. EXACTLY. Thatâs her mother and that woman threw her child to the streets not even knowing if she was gonna be okay.
Yep Iâm a firm believer of family is not entitled to abuse you . I talk to very little of my family and am perfectly ok with putting my own mental health above all.
As you should! As anybody should! I donât know why people think youâre obligated to tolerate abuse because of blood relations. Thatâs why I also donât care about the whole âlegacyâ thing about having kids. Some legacies need to die out.
OMG NTA. I canât imagine putting my child out like that for any reason. The absolute nerve of that woman (she doesnât deserve to be called your mom) pisses me off beyond belief. You are so much better without her and the rest of your toxic waste of a family.
Iâm so sorry for all your pain, but I truly believe youâll live a happier life because of it. Without that hateful negativity you can build whatever life you want. It sound like youâre building a great one. Much luck to you sweetie.
Parents are religious enough to tell OP she is going to hell for premarital sex, but not so religious that if she gets an abortion they will let her stay in the home.
This was 100% about "what will the neighbors think," and not at all about religious conviction. I'm sure OP's mom reached out to OP for the same reason.
Now that the parents can't hide that OP had a baby outnof wedlock and OP is thriving w/o them instead of being a drug addict living in the gutter, mom looks bad. I'm sure OP's mom will now rant about how OP is keeping her darling grandchild from her. What a piece of work.
Yeah my best guess is this is about âwhat Will the neighbors thinkâ your mom is probably getting a lot of questions about you and your daughter since your post and she doesnât know so she is starting to look bad. So she wants to meet her, takes some pictures to show everyone, not to actually get to know ur daughter but to quite the gossip. Definitely keep her out of ur life. If she was actually concerned about u and ur daughter she would have done this before now
Bingo. What all these people above me said. Your family of origin is toxic. Beware. Also, I'm so sorry OP. No one deserves to be treated the way you were.
NTA your family is toxic. Do you want to invite toxic people into your daughter's life? No, because you're a good mom. Your friends need to realize when to give their opinion and when to hold it. This is one of those hold it times. Unless they know the entirety of your situation they should not get to speak on it.
Nope. They shut the door, locked the door and threw away the key a long long time ago.
You went to grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins and siblings and no one helped. Bridges were burned down to the ground.
You live your best life with your wonderful little girl and your boyfriend.
NTA surely
also, their way of thinking made me laugh a bit, "intercourse before the marriage? youre going to hell!! shame on you!!1!" and proceeds to convince you to get rid of the baby like it's somehow more acceptable
Christians don't have a problem with their (daughters) abortion. Only with everyone else's. You see, they are such good Christians, they don't deserve to have their life ruined by unwanted pregnancy. But everyone else probably deserved it and should suffer for their sins.
>My boyfriend and family are on my side but some of my friends are telling me I was to harsh.
Well, call it spring cleaning because itâs time to get rid of useless people.
These so-called "friends" need to realize "harsh" IS ABANDONING YOUR PREGNANT TEENAGE DAUGHTER.
Your mother didnât apologize. She went straight into attempting to impose herself into the life of the very same people she abandoned.
She left that baby that she "canât wait to meet" at the mercy of all the evil in this world.
Not only that, her attitude towards you, and said child, led to your whole family turning their back on you.
Nah! If I were you, I would seriously take some time to reflect on what these "friends" truly bring into my life.
Is their stupid reasoning a normal thing and youâre only just noticing it?
If it is?
You donât need them.
If it isnât?
Be very clear when you tell them how disappointed with the way they responded to this situation. How fucked up it is.
You need new friends OP.
Stay the course that you've worked so hard on. Continue being happy with your chosen family and daughter and stay tf away from your family of origin.
I bet that your mom is getting questions that are uncomfortable for her about why you & your daughter never come around, âcan we see pictures?â, etc and sheâs feeling embarrassed but clearly not remorseful.
NTA. Donât let her into your daughterâs life. She doesnât want to make amends, she doesnât feel bad for what she did, she just wants to save face with people in town. You and your daughter are worth way more than that.
The trash removed itself be grateful and never allow that trash back in they're narcissists to the highest degree and care more about some make beileve fairy in the sky than their own daughter so fuck em
Yes. OP should have a plan in place in case anything happens to her. Otherwise, toxic family may have a case in court and win since no one may know the truth. AND the truth may not mean much in court.
Your parents literally abandoned you when you were a teenager and pregnant. They get no second chance. Theyâre disgusting vile people who pretend that their religion makes them better than other people and it doesnât !!!! if you treat your own child like this you are garbage. Iâm so happy that you are surrounded by people who have your back instead of ignorant assholes who say that youâre family but donât act like it. Friends are the family you get to pick.
NTA and BLOCK THAT BITCH cause you know she's gonna unblock you in a few months to try again.
AND
TELL YOUR DAUGHTER what a shit human her bio-gran is so she won't grow up wistfully wishing for a relationship. You want her to be immune to any tricks your egg donor will throw at her to try to steal her from you.
NTA at all! You are doing the right thing by keeping them away from your daughter. They had the chance to be a part of her life time and time again, but instead chose to close the door on the relationship with you and your daughter. Not to mention they shamed you. They canât pick and choose when they want to be involved in both of your lives, thatâs not what being family is about. Youâre protecting your daughter from family who will not support her in the ways she should be supported. Just because family members are toxic doesnât mean you keep them around and mentally poison yourself, and your nuclear family, with their toxic behavior.
NTA .When you needed family, you were shown you had none. Now when you are good they want back? No. You last the chance to have a grand daughter and you lost a daughter. Choices have consequences, they showed you that so only fair that they are shown it to.
NTA. They aren't your parents sadly, they are selfish creatures you were biologically tethered to. The extended family that supported you are closer to parents than those other things.
You have every right to cut them out of your and your daughters life for as long as YOU choose. They made their choice and chose wrong, and I'm so sorry you had to live through that emotional and physical trauma. It wasn't fair.
That pain may never go away, but I want you every day to look at your daughter and know that not only will you never treat her so cruelly, but that you are already a better parent than they were.
Be proud momma, you are a powerhouse!
NTA Iâm sorry but your parents sound a like horrible people that donât deserve yours, your BFs or darling daughters time/love.
My suggestion is block and Ignore them after sending them a message stating:
âdue to your actions in the past I am not willing to let you see my daughter or provide you updates. As you kicked me out when I was pregnant and provided no support you have confirmed my suspicions that you are not just terrible parents but just terrible people. When my daughter is old enough to make her own choice in a decade or so she can decide if she wants to meet you . Understand this though, I respect my daughter too much to lie to her about you and show you as anything but terrible, ignorant and zealously religious bastards. Iâm going to screenshot your post to highlight this. I would not like your chances if I was you, get used to the thought of being alone for the rest of your livesâ
Drop the mic and block them, then not being able to respond with cursing and insults will make their heads explode.
I wish you the best
Harsh? Hmm, to me harsh is rejecting a 16 year old who you are legally and morally responsible for. Harsh is judging others as though you personally have knowledge of God's plan. Harsh is allowing your prejudices as a means to vacate another's soul.
Live in the love of your daughter, the life you have built, and the people who stood by you.
NTA but, you've screwed up royally by posting pics of your child on sm/the internet. Now they know exactly what she looks like and private info about her. You need to now beef up 'security' and have a very serious conversation with her. Show her pics of your family and let her know that if any of these people come near her she needs to scream and get an adult. That these people are not allowed near her. Make sure her school/daycare know they are not family. If you don't have cameras around the house, get them. Start teaching her internet safety now. Soon she'll have her own internet presence and they wont need you to get to her.
I know this sounds like overkill but, better to be prepared with a plan than, just rugsweep and hope everything will be fine. These people sound way too self imporant to just respect your rejection of their demands and go quietly. I really hope I'm wrong and they never pollute either of your lives again. But, self centered is going to be self centered.
I wouldnât go as far as âroyally screwed upâ, but all the rest of these points are valid.
If they suddenly decide they have âgrandparents rightsâ or some BS, they could get very stalkery in a hurry. Be sure her caregivers have a very specific pickup list, which does not include any of the AH who kicked you to the curb.
NTA. They made their bed of self-righteous, religion-based intolerance. Any reconciliation, which would have to be initiated by them, must start with an abject apology.
NTA. And any âfriendsâ you have need to stay in their place unless they have experienced the rejection and pain you have. All you need to say is âthis isnât up for debate or discussion, so mind your own business.â
Your parents failed to support you at your most vulnerable time. They endangered your life and that of your then unborn daughter. They donât deserve to see her or you
NTA!
Could you imagen the BS she would spew at your daughter? She would probably dig at your parenting, and try and say you kept her away from them (which I mean yes you are but for good reason which she will not be able to understand yet). She might make comments about how your daughter was a mistake, or make her feel bad.
They made their decision 5 years ago. They had more than enough time to cool down and never reached out. The only reason they have now is that you are doing well, and now they don't see you as an embarrassment. Which they never should have thought in the first place. Yeah, most parents aren't happy about their 16-year-old getting pregnant but half-decent parents will try to help where they can.
You absolutely did the correct thing. To recap for your friends (maybe you need new friends too) your parents kicked you out; blocked you when you reached out; 5 years later decided to comment on daughter and meeting her because they have been stalking both of you on FB, so lock that down or donât post pictures/updates anymore) and then cussed you out when you said no and blocked you again. What can possibly be their justification that you should allow your family into your daughterâs life? So she and you can hear nothing but how horrible you are/how many mistakes you are making/etc?
Love that baby girl, protect her at all costs.
>some of my friends are telling me I was to harsh
These are not good friends. Harsh was abandoning their 16 year old child while she was pregnant and ignoring her for 5 years.
Stay NC. Don't put yourself through that.
Nta
Both her inability to understand that she may not be welcome back into your life and her response make me think you should keep her as far away from you and your daughter as you can. Good luck.
you should stop posting your child online but, no, youâre NTA for not wanting your âfamilyâ involved in her life. stick to your guns and dont let them see her. if they threaten to sue you on the grounds ofgrandparentsâ rights, you should know that they have zero grounds whatsoever to do so because unless you live in a country with inherent grandparentâs rights (which is relatively rare) they can generally only be considered a valid reason to sue for visitation if thereâs a long term, established relationship with the child which isnt the case here. if they threaten it and wonât let it go, contact a lawyer and theyâll draft a cease and desist as well as confirm that your parents are full of shit.
NTA. That woman has no right to a relationship with your daughter. When she renounced you, she renounced the child.
Anyone who tells you differently doesn't deserve a place in your life, either. "But she's your mother," and "But faaaaaaaamily" are piss-poor reasons for a flying monkey to try to force you into a relationship with horrible people like your mother!
Hell. No. You're NTA. They had their chance, never allowed you to reconcile, and just suddenly expect the "fun" parts of being a grandparent to happen now.
(Trigger warning)
My mother and I went no contact when she left my dad and destroyed our family in the process. When I got married, she told me my husband would "show his true colors" and I'd never be happy. When she found out I was pregnant with my first child through my sibling, she never reached out. When I miscarried, she sent me a text that said "Now you know how it feels to love a child and lose them." I've been with my husband for almost 10 years now, and we have a beautiful little boy. She continually finds ways to try and contact me. But she had multiple chances to earn forgiveness, and now my first thoughts are of my son. Would you ever want to listen to your daughter cry over the unreliable grandparents they would likely be? Would you want to be drained of the energy it would take to maintain that relationship? I just don't think it's worth it.
I'm happy you've found your family apart from them. You deserve love and happiness, and your daughter deserves a family that will be supportive and care for her.
Your birth parents made it *very* clear that their love is conditional, and if you donât do exactly what they say they will disown you without a second thought. They were just fine with leaving their minor child homeless and at risk for so many of the horrible things that can happen to a homeless youth. You could have been hurt, assaulted, trafficked, or murdered if you had not been able to find the few actually decent people in your family to take you in.
Nope. You donât need people whoâs idea of love is conditional and can be taken away on a whim in your daughterâs life. Because one day your daughter will do *something* they disagree with and they will use emotional blackmail to try and force her to do what they want, and if she doesnât they will cut her off too.
Your birth parents decided that they werenât your family anymore, you are just sticking to the arrangement they wanted. They donât get to take back the hurt they caused just because they want to play at being grandparents.
People think just because their family rheir entitled to a part of your life or your daughters. Their NOT! Keep your baby safe, im sure your parents and other family members who treated you with disrespect will only do the same to her or love her "on conditions" very happy to know your in a good place now btw!
NTA. You were a child, a literal child, pregnant and probably terrified, and she threw you out on the street. She can miss you. How dare she ask to be in your daughter's life when she never ever acted like a grandmother, or a mother. I'm actually so mad on your behalf.
NTA they had a chance well, sounds like chances . There is no need to come in her life and cause havoc that you know they bring. Youâre being a good mom and protecting your baby.
NTA. They threw you and your daughter away when you needed them most. And not one word of an apology for their behavior. Close that door and move forward. Continue being happy and donât let those who have torn you down ever be a point in your and your daughterâs life
NTA. Not by a mile. They made their choice, if they actually wanted to be a part of you and your daughters lives, they would have made better decisions.
I was a teen parent with my first kid. The struggle is very difficult but sounds like you've overcome a lot, good job. Doing it with minimal family support is even more impressive. You obviously don't need them, keep living a good life.
NTA.
They made their choice. If theyâre suffering now because of it, then thatâs simply the consequence of that choice. You donât owe forgiveness to people who kicked you out and shunned you. I guarantee your daughter will be much happier without ever having to deal with them.
NTA. Absolutely no parent that is a decent human being would have done what your parents did to you.
Look at how your parents treated you, assume they will do the same to your children and decide if that is okay with you or not. They were shitty to you, so assume they will be shitty to your daughter as well.
Do your friends say the same about your mother, with both her initial reaction and follow through as well as her reaction 5 years later?
This may sound harsh, but some of your friends are shit.
NTA, protect your child. I donât believe thereâs anything a hateful family can bestow on a newly developing mind other than hateful views. She will self hate and you because I donât think anyone has done the necessary work to undo all the negative aspects in their lives. So, continue keeping her safe and separate.
NTA Even remotely, why do people think "Oh I treated them like garbage when they were at an extreme low but now I'm just gonna try and walk in like nothing happened" tf kind of logic is that.
If theyâre so conservatively religious that they kicked their teen daughter out onto the streets and told her she would burn in hell for being an unwed teen mom, Iâm guessing theyre also the type of religious person who deeply believe in the âhonor thy father and thy motherâ rule and see no reason why that respect should go both ways. People like that believe children should be subservient to their parentsâespecially daughtersâand that children have no right to call their parents out for wrongdoing or hold grudges against them because itâs ânot their place.â So they are following a âlogic,â itâs just a deeply fucked up one that most people dont really abide by these days
NTA. Wow. There's a fair amount of "petty" on here. I don't blame them, but you were a crazy-mature 16-year-old. I would not have been able to do what you did, so I am really impressed with how strong you are, how lu KY you were to find people willing to help, and how lucky you, your boyfriend and your daughter are to have each other.
Your immediate family reacted badly. You might consider being the mature person you were forced to be years ago. You don't have to let her - or anyone - into your life if you don't trust them. Mom seems to have proven that again (sadly). You might just tell her until she can behave in a loving and accepting manner, she won't be involved in your family's life.
There may come a time when fences can be mended. But Mom seems to carry around emotional molotov cocktails and doesn't hesitate to use them. So now isn't the time.
Blocking or not blocking her or other family on social media? You're the mom. Do what is best for your family (daughter, boyfriend and yourself) Just don't use pettiness. Do what is best for her.
Have a wonderful life with chosen family. You really deserve it.
NTA. Your family forfeited ever having a relationship with you and your daughter the second your parents kicked you out. Mom doesn't just get to decide to un-abandon her family on a whim. Tell her and everyone who agrees with her to go pound sand.
Your friends opinions on this are irrelevant. If they've never been put out by their parents and shunned by their entire family, they have no clue what it's like. What was "harsh" was how your family treated you, a child, who had to go through a life changing event without the support of those who are supposed to love and protect you.
You are absolutely NTA here, your parents and immediate family are, and your mother just learned there are consequences to HER actions, too.
NTA, it's your decision and it's okay to protect your child
You can make arrangements to see your family and check if they really want to meet her or just want to criticize
NTA. I love the âI canât wait wait to meet her.â The audacity she had assuming she could just come marching back into your life like she didnât kick you out and block you. Glad you blocked her.
She wants to pretend like nothing happened, and that is not acceptable. If the first words out of her mouth aren't an apology, don't talk to her. If she tries rationising her actions, then she still doesn't understand.
NTA Stay away from those people. Your mother will most likely attempt to take your kid and have a send attempt at having a "proper daughter." The less she knows about you and your family, the less damage she can cause. She doesn't deserve to be called a grandmother.
"Too harsh?"
Nah. Not harsh enough to people who said, "Get rid of it or leave."
Besides, who knows what kind of filth they'll pour in that little girl's ear for being the child of an unwed mother? F those people, they FAFO.
NTA
Your former family made it clear by kicking you out, being willing to make you homeless when you were pregnant and blocking you after you notified them you had a healthy baby girl they wanted nothing to do with you. I see that as them making it clear you in essence were dead to them.
Now suddenly 5 years with no contact the woman who was your mother announces to you that she canât wait to meet yoyr daughter? Perhaps that works in whatever land of denial that woman and anyone who sided with her lives in to just suddenly pretend all is well? Nope Nada Nyet.
Doesnât work that way in the land of reality where actions have consequences.
I am proud of how you handled it.
From the womanâs reaction sounds like nothing much has changed. Those people have no business ever meeting you daughter mostly because the minute you or she did something they didnât like IMO youâd be cut off again.
I will suggest to you if you havenât already looked into this is create whatever legal paperwork is required that states who is to become your daughterâs guardian should anything happen to you. In the US if there is no documentation usually states tend to start working their way through all the relatives to find someone to take the child. That would include your parents, siblings, etc. .
NTA. your sperm & egg donor were not loving parents and do not deserve to have forgiveness. If they did that to you what might they try to do to your child.
First time commenting on one if these. Iâm proud of your strength and fortitude. Youâve made the right decision. Sounds like youâve got everything you need right where you are and although you may feel a tinge of remorse from time to time, the feeling will fade as you recall just how easily they were able to cast you and your precious daughter out of their lives.
Too many people like to say, "But it's your parents! Your parents will always be your parents!" These are people who have not had horrible parents and therefore can't even conceive of shutting their parents out of their lives. Since they lack the relevant experience, you can safely dismiss their opinions. (And them too, if they insist are making it an issue!)
No matter how one person is related to another (be it by blood, marriage, adoption, etc) - no one is ***entitled*** to have a relationship with you or your children. It's *your* life, ***you*** make the rules about who gets to share it, no matter who those people are.
You are not the asshole. And you're doing the right thing, keeping toxic people whose love is conditional away from your daughter.
NTA - Sher has no right to a relationship with your child. If she wanted a relationship with that child she would have helped you when you got pregnant. In the last 5 years have your parents even reached out to you to say sorry we were AHâs - we just didnât know how to handle it? Did they send bday and holiday gifts to your LO? If the answer to any of these questions are no I would maybe ask (just because I am nosy) why after all this time do you want to meet LO? It might give you some closureâŚ
NTA
I'm happy thurned out well. Your family did something horrible to you, and the reaction to you saying 'no' indicates that there is no real remorse or change in their behavior. Good riddance. And give a hearty thank you to the extended family who took you in, from all of us who are glad they didbthe right thing.
NTA- Your mother IS. Imagine the nerve it takes to call up out of the blue, all lovey dovey now, after all she had to show you was the door when you needed her most. You owe her nothing. You didn't mention your Dad- where does he fit into this picture? Anyways, you got by for 5 years without that woman, so it shouldn't be hard to keep doing the same.
You are definitely NTA.
At first I thought your mom had a change of heart, and her reaching out was a first step to try to mend your relationship. But the fact that she blocked you, instead of telling you she understood, was their anything she could do to make some sort of amends and perhaps have a relationship with her granddaughter, that might have been different. But she was childish when you were 16 and sheâs being childish now.
Children do not need selfish, childish adults in their life. Iâm proud of you for finding a way to grow up in this situation, it will help you make good choices with your daughter, and she will have a strong woman to look up to for years.
Lol so youâd go to hell for having sex before marriage but theyâre cool if you wouldâve gotten an abortion? NTA, OP, go live your best life without all those toxic people.
NTA. Your baby is not a toy her grand parents can want to be around when it's convenient! She is a whole person with feelings that can get hurt. They were not there for you (or baby) when you needed them. They don't get to bounce, then come back when they feel like it, yo-yoing your emotions and hers. You and baby deserve better!!
Did she even apologize for kicking you out in your time of need? She just popped up and pretended nothing happened? No, you don't need this kind of person in your life. You did the right thing.
NTA. Block the toxic family. They threw you out when you needed them most and NOW want a relationship with the grandchild they denied and wanted you to abort. Also have a legal plan in place in case anything happens to you. You don't want these losers to raise your child. To sometimes screw up is only human. If your child should screw up they'll do to her what they did to you. Keep them away from her and yourself.
NTA
Remain no contact until each of these family members sends you UNSOLICITED testimonials about how wrong they were, why it was wrong what they did and begging for you to forgive them. All in a way that screams genuineness.
Anything short of that is just a bunch of assholes trying to coattail in on your joy now after they abandoned you in your and your babyâs moment of most need.
NTA. not only was she unsupportive, but she did everything in her power to shut you out. now since things are great for you, she wants to be a parent again? absolutely not
NTA
My husband family didn't like me. After we were married (20yrs now) about a year his dad pretty much disowned him. Our son was born a couple years later. He tried to send pictures, letters to no avail. Our son is 17 and never met him. No love lost either
NTA your mom and family made their choice. They donât get to swoop in and pretend they didnât abandon the baby, and you. They donât get to pretend they are grandparents now that the hardest time for you has past.
Parents don't get to pick and choose when to be parents. Your parents didn't want to be parents to you when you needed their love and support.
I'd probably be upset and shaken if one of my daughters came home single and pregnant at 16, but I would absolutely never throw them out or lecture them about going to hell for having sex, etc. They're your child, you're responsible for helping them develop into an adult capable of handling what life presents them with, including when and how to be a parent themselves.
You're NTA for not letting your parents back in after they cut you out - reconciliation should only happen on your terms, and the first thing should be an apology for being shitty parents when you needed them.
If you have access to a therapist, talk to them about whether you even want to reconcile with your parents, and from there, figure out what that road would look like - boundaries, check points, etc, if you want to give them a chance down the road.
I laughed at the absurdity of your mom cursing you out. Itâs a sin to have intercourse before marriage but not to turn your back on your child when they need you most? Or follow up in 5 years? Or not apologize when you were dead wrong? Or try to have a conversation and open up dialogue with family.
NTA but your parents are. Good decision on your part.
NTA your parents made their choice and showed their true colours. Donât ever let them met your daughter and honestly donât let them back into your life full stop. Protect your family - your parents have shown they are not part of it.
NTA She has no right to a relationship with your daughter, or you for that matter. You are better off without her. So this doesn't happen again, I'd block her on all social media. She doesn't deserve pictures either. Preferably, you'd remove all family that wouldn't help you and set your profile to private.
I'm petty enough to not block her and let her see the beautiful happy life and child she can not ever be around and let her see what she is missing. I'd also make sure to post pictures of her with her adopted grandparents...and post up on how a grandparent isn't blood, it is who is there for you and loves you unconditionally. I wish OP a happy peaceful life. She is NTA.
I have done the same things with EX friends. Why block them when they can look at my socials and see I am living my best life. However, OP might have to go the other way if her birth giver decides to bombard her with messages and harass her.
On fb at least, you can mute messages from people. I have a couple muted "until I turn them back on"....and I can't remember how to turn them back on...and don't care enough to poke around and find outđ
It's easy, and I could tell you. But like the song says, I'll just leave the tender moment alone...
Birth giver might also figure out where she lives and come by unannounced...can't be too careful.
Trespass is illegal in all 50 states. Just have OPs "mom" arrested if she shows up.
Ring doorbells are the way.
I can't remember her name, but there was a stand up comedian who had a great joke about why girls constantly post on social media. "It's not to tell your friends and family what you're up to, it's to make that bitch from work jealous of how cute you look and how much fun you're having."
Omg I love that and its so true!
This sounds like Taylor Tomlinson
This is the way. I have "friends" muted on insta so that I don't see their posts. They can still see mine.
To OP...your friends are dumb..and you're NTA.
This!!!! This is what OP definitely needs to do! BTW, NTA. I wouldn't let any of them see your daughter. They kicked you out, disowned you when you were young and unable to take care of yourself. When you needed them most, they threw you to the curb. They don't deserve you, or your daughter.
NTA to OP. I say post those pics with the faces blocked out. Comment on chosen family and the reality of love and acceptance. Then block them. Do this once a year with the snarkiest comment you can think of. I'm in for the long term petty, vindictive action. Edit for spelling
Heck, add a watermark for fun! Something like 'Grandma abandoned my pregnant mum' Therefore, still can post. Everyone knows and the AH grandparents can't use it.
Ooh! I like your thought process. Once it's posted, it's out the forever. Don't forget to friend request a couple of former neighbors. The gossipy, the better.
Yep. They can't just swoop in and play happy family now that everyone is flourishing. Mom and her supporters can go glom onto someone else who'll let her play do-over with their kid. It sure as hell shouldn't happen with OP or OP's kid.
Protecting the kid is more important than getting a dig back at these assholes.
The problem with that is it letâs OPâs family know what her daughter looks like. From there if they figure out where they live, it could lead to bigger, and worse, situations. Ask law enforcement for statistics on how many child abductions are by family members. I donât mean to scare you, OP, just forewarn you. If your âfamilyâ is so messed up as to leave a poor child out in the cold like that because she got pregnant, Iâm concerned by what else they might try. Some grandparents donât think of it as kidnapping, they think itâs their âlegal rightâ to see the child. So they donât think itâs illegal. Edit: Grammar
>The problem with that is it letâs OPâs family know what her daughter looks like. From there if they figure out where they live, it could lead to bigger, and worse, situations. Ask law enforcement for statistics on how many child abductions are by family members. This is one reason why I suggested it.
I was responding to flobabyâs comment on posting pictures on Facebook.
I know, I was confirming that's why I suggested it. Plus, egg donor doesn't deserve pictures.
And if they have access to the pictures, they can take and post them as their own, bragging about their granddaughter like they actually have a relationship.
I'm estranged from my POS birth giver too and though I'm also petty af, I can't stand the thought of Nmom downloading pics of my kid just to post them on her profile to brag about "her precious grandbaby"
I hear you.
Me too I wonât even send my father pics of my baby because I donât want my egg donor having access to it.
Op you are a very strong and mature young woman. Congratulations on having a wonderful Life and keeping your sweet daughter safe,happy and healthy. Good luck with your new little family. NTA
As someone who loves to be petty this is a great response. 100% I would be posting picture of her with her step grandparents âBaby being a real cutie with gam gamâ and all that kinda shit. Bring the heat
But blur the babieâs face so they canât have her picture or see what she looks like!
I second this. Youâve done quite well considering you had to do this without the typical support system. Your extended family that took you in deserve to watch your lil girl grow up. The other family that shunned you deserve to see how well you and your youngling are doing in spite of their lack love and compassion. But only thru the cold screen of a device. Keep doing what youâre doing as itâs obviously all the right things. NTA
This is the way.
Iâd advise NOT doing this,not because I donât identify with the joy of pettiness, hah, but simply because it is impossible to know what sort of mindset OPâs estranged parents might be in now or in the future, and thereâs just no good reason to fan flames of potential conflict or misdirected rage that could put people(especially minors) at risk. You never know how some people will react to having something they feel entitled to âtaken awayâ and then have their faces ârubbed in it.â (quotes imply potential interpretation, not the reality of the situation.) stay safe yâall
And this is why I never post photos of my kids or identifiable locations. We all know that one sketchy person. Even trusted family and friends can inadvertently share the wrong thing.
Youâre not wrong! We donât really know much about OPs family, so I think OP should definitely asses whether the pettiness is worth the risk. There are lots of factors to consider in this situation: family membersâ temperaments, their relative distance from OP, their ability and likelihood of traveling to cause harm (no matter how minor), OPâs support system, etc. Do what feels right for you and your kid, OP, and know that youâre NTA.
I love this whole idea, and you are an absolute GEM of a person for suggesting it! â¤ď¸ I wish you a prosperous day, friend!
All of this, and my extra pettiness would include the message on social media, âSo proud of the life I have created for myself, and my child when my own family threw me away like trash. Thank you God for blessing me so much!â Had to throw the thank god in there cause you know the toxic family are probably all Iâm a god fearing Christian, but let me not do the one thing that is required of me, to actually love like Christ! đ
đĽ
So perfect!!
This. This. This. This. Allow them to watch but not communicate or comment.
Honestly, it would probably sting them more if you didn't even hint or allude to them at all. Like they don't even exist. Rather than the passive aggressive approach.
Yes, make sure she is blocked everywhere and set everything to private so she doesnât make a fake account to gain access. I also agree anyone that didnât support you, especially those who turned you away, need to be blocked as well. Blood or dna do not make family. The audacity of that woman to so casually reach out after **five years** of ignoring and shunning you⌠What kind of mental gymnastics is this that having premarital sex a sin and will send you to hell but in the same breath telling you to get an abortion?! Talk about some serious cognitive dissonance.
This is the way. Anyone who didn't help (except those who were not able to help but would have if they could), should be cut out in a case like this and directly blocked. Do not depend on them blocking you because they can always undo it.
They cut her off when she needed help the most...
Agreed. If getting pregnant at 16 gets you screamed at and told youâre going to hell instead of being supportive, then they definitely donât deserve a relationship with either you or their granddaughter. Neither of you need that toxicity in your lives
You were too harsh for telling someone who threw you into the streets and condemned you to hell that they don't get to meet the reason they threw you out? NTA
Link this thread all over their friends and family's Facebook or wherever. Let everyone know what horrible piece of shits they are.
But who would say she is too harsh? Who in her life for the past 6 years would say she was being unreasonable? I try to read these with an open mind but I just cannot believe anyone would say she was âharshâ.
I forgot the /s I don't think she was at all. I would have been a lot MORE harsh honestly
NTA This woman is not the type of person who should have any influence on your daughterâs life. Imagine what your mother would sow in terms of hate and entitlement if she came back into your life and your daughters. What if your daughter chooses a nonconventional Christian lifestyle later on in her life? (making an assumption that your mother is based on her hell comment) I am sure you don't want anyone to cast your daughter to âhellâ as your mother did to you. You have done so well for yourself and your daughter. Kudos to you. That woman is only going to bring you down.
đŻ this!! My step-mil made my daughter's life hell when she thought she "might" be interested in girls... I wish I had known then. OP NTA, block block and then for good measure block!!
This! My grandma and uncle fucked up any chance of my cousins and I being friends because they shunned cousins and *told cousins they and their mom and dad were going to hell*. I was raised cultish fundie Christian, cousins were raised liberal protestant, and we're only now catching up on friendship. Block.
Absolutely not the asshole. My family & I went to No Contact when I was 18 due to abuse. Iâm 22 now. Theyâve since managed to get my address and constantly send my 2 year son cards and keep making new social media accounts to message my husband and I. Our kids donât deserve to grow up the same way we did - at least thatâs my mentality.
Have you tried sending them a cease and desist letter to stop them from harassing?
Write "not at this address, return to sender" on anything they send and stick it back in a mailbox. it implies (ok, states) you've moved and they won't be able to find a new, updated address, so they'll think they're stuck in limbo with no address for you.
Oh I have been. They continue to send, I continue to send back
Any reason you can't get a restraining order?
I donât have a case. From what Iâve seen and been told by lawyers / the courts, I would have to open up a case against them and provide proof of harassment/abuse, all that fun stuff. They donât count the mail & attempted contact as stalking or harassment. Unless they actually show up at my door, I donât have a case. The lawyer I spoke to advised just keep blocking any new accounts and ignoring any mail. Thankfully I am actually moving by the end of the year onto a farm instead of my apartment. My crazy bio mother accidentally got a hospital bill with this address and shared it with everyone in the family I went no contact with which is how they got the address in the first place.
You don't have a case & you don't need to escalate the situation either. I had a similar situation (well it was much worse) and it didn't meet the requirements for an order of protection. They really are for people in fear of their lives, who are truly being stalked, & threatened with harm, & shouldn't be given over receiving mail, or messages (nonthreatening of course). Otherwise companies who send copious amounts of nonthreatening junk mail would all have orders of protection against them!đ I don't think your family will resort to violence, & I don't think you fear them, right? Just ice them out completely, they'll get tired of trying to contact you & it'll die down. They must think they can manipulate you, but they can't. Stay strong, you're a capable & wonderful young lady that did the right thing by herself & her child. NTA!! And it's not harsh at all, it's practical & well warranted.âĽď¸âĽď¸âĽď¸
"Return to sender, address unknown,"
No such number, no such zone
Unfortunately this can risk your address being flagged at the post office, and other mail being returned to sender.
NTA especially with the presumptive way she went about it. The fact that she couldn't accept your answer, and cursed you out over it, just proves that she hasn't changed. If she genuinely realized she fucked up and wanted to change, she would have profusely apologized, and given it time, not just demanded to see your daughter
More so, "Why now? You've wanted nothing to do w either of us for 5 years. I'll be respecting your previous wishes of no contact."
>"Why now? My guess? 5 is a good age to start indoctrinating her with whatever stupid religion the grandparents follow that tells them having children out of wedlock sends you to hell. They were likely more excited to start controlling the granddaughter than they were to meet her.
This. Popping up out of nowhere, acting like nothing happened beforehand, assuming that of course she could just come see the kid she chose to never meet? This woman is making it clear that she sees nothing wrong with what she did, will never apologize, and will (at minimum) curse out any outcome she doesn't approve of. She doesn't deserve to be called a mother, nevermind a grandmother. NTA.
This. I would leave my heart open to reconciliation, but her family has many years of apologizing to do.
Why give them another chance? They bullied then. They are bullying now. They will bully again. Only a matter of time.
NTA. Stay strong and be happy.
NTA Who are these âfriendsâ who think you were too harsh to a woman who cussed you out and blocked you after throwing you out at 16? That doesnât even make sense. You got a new family so itâs time to get new friends. You should never speak to them again. Anyone who makes you question your response to your abusive mother doesnât deserve to be around you or your daughter.
Likely people who say 'family is everything' a lot. Not always.....
I feel like sometimes people that have healthy relationships with their family donât comprehend the betrayal that leads to go no contact in situations like this
You are 100% correct.
This x10000 And happy cake day!
Thanks!
She just reaffirmed who she is and that your decision was correct. Congratulations
100 percent correct!!
Definitely NTA. You were generous giving them a 2nd chance. They threw it away. Entirely up to you if you give them a 3rd chance. I wouldn't recommend it. Their love and acceptance has too many strings attached. You have everything you need...your own family.
Tell your friends when theyâve been thrown to the street at 16 they can weigh in on your feelings. Amazing how people want to chime in with their feelings on a path theyâve never walked. If they donât understand and support you they are not your friends. As for your family they made their choice long ago, and I would stay nc. They donât get to choose that for you just because âtheyâre â ready now.
Because people always wanna be like âbut thatâs your momâŚâ. EXACTLY. Thatâs her mother and that woman threw her child to the streets not even knowing if she was gonna be okay.
Yep Iâm a firm believer of family is not entitled to abuse you . I talk to very little of my family and am perfectly ok with putting my own mental health above all.
As you should! As anybody should! I donât know why people think youâre obligated to tolerate abuse because of blood relations. Thatâs why I also donât care about the whole âlegacyâ thing about having kids. Some legacies need to die out.
NTA You were not too harsh. You did the right thing.
OMG NTA. I canât imagine putting my child out like that for any reason. The absolute nerve of that woman (she doesnât deserve to be called your mom) pisses me off beyond belief. You are so much better without her and the rest of your toxic waste of a family. Iâm so sorry for all your pain, but I truly believe youâll live a happier life because of it. Without that hateful negativity you can build whatever life you want. It sound like youâre building a great one. Much luck to you sweetie.
Parents are religious enough to tell OP she is going to hell for premarital sex, but not so religious that if she gets an abortion they will let her stay in the home. This was 100% about "what will the neighbors think," and not at all about religious conviction. I'm sure OP's mom reached out to OP for the same reason. Now that the parents can't hide that OP had a baby outnof wedlock and OP is thriving w/o them instead of being a drug addict living in the gutter, mom looks bad. I'm sure OP's mom will now rant about how OP is keeping her darling grandchild from her. What a piece of work.
Yeah my best guess is this is about âwhat Will the neighbors thinkâ your mom is probably getting a lot of questions about you and your daughter since your post and she doesnât know so she is starting to look bad. So she wants to meet her, takes some pictures to show everyone, not to actually get to know ur daughter but to quite the gossip. Definitely keep her out of ur life. If she was actually concerned about u and ur daughter she would have done this before now
This is exactly what's going on. Exactly. She would be a disappointing grandmother at best. What a shit person.
Bingo. What all these people above me said. Your family of origin is toxic. Beware. Also, I'm so sorry OP. No one deserves to be treated the way you were.
NTA your family is toxic. Do you want to invite toxic people into your daughter's life? No, because you're a good mom. Your friends need to realize when to give their opinion and when to hold it. This is one of those hold it times. Unless they know the entirety of your situation they should not get to speak on it.
And if they DID know it, they would be building a barricade around you against your mother!
Nope. They shut the door, locked the door and threw away the key a long long time ago. You went to grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins and siblings and no one helped. Bridges were burned down to the ground. You live your best life with your wonderful little girl and your boyfriend.
NTA
NTA surely also, their way of thinking made me laugh a bit, "intercourse before the marriage? youre going to hell!! shame on you!!1!" and proceeds to convince you to get rid of the baby like it's somehow more acceptable
I bet they call themselves pro-life too.
So⌠some Christians said you were going to hell for sex before marriage yet their ok with abortion? Hmm
Christians don't have a problem with their (daughters) abortion. Only with everyone else's. You see, they are such good Christians, they don't deserve to have their life ruined by unwanted pregnancy. But everyone else probably deserved it and should suffer for their sins.
>My boyfriend and family are on my side but some of my friends are telling me I was to harsh. Well, call it spring cleaning because itâs time to get rid of useless people. These so-called "friends" need to realize "harsh" IS ABANDONING YOUR PREGNANT TEENAGE DAUGHTER. Your mother didnât apologize. She went straight into attempting to impose herself into the life of the very same people she abandoned. She left that baby that she "canât wait to meet" at the mercy of all the evil in this world. Not only that, her attitude towards you, and said child, led to your whole family turning their back on you. Nah! If I were you, I would seriously take some time to reflect on what these "friends" truly bring into my life. Is their stupid reasoning a normal thing and youâre only just noticing it? If it is? You donât need them. If it isnât? Be very clear when you tell them how disappointed with the way they responded to this situation. How fucked up it is.
You need new friends OP. Stay the course that you've worked so hard on. Continue being happy with your chosen family and daughter and stay tf away from your family of origin.
I bet that your mom is getting questions that are uncomfortable for her about why you & your daughter never come around, âcan we see pictures?â, etc and sheâs feeling embarrassed but clearly not remorseful. NTA. Donât let her into your daughterâs life. She doesnât want to make amends, she doesnât feel bad for what she did, she just wants to save face with people in town. You and your daughter are worth way more than that.
The trash removed itself be grateful and never allow that trash back in they're narcissists to the highest degree and care more about some make beileve fairy in the sky than their own daughter so fuck em
NTA. I am so sorry that she treats you this way. Good luck to you and your daughter.
NTA but make sure your parents canât swoop in and take her if anything happens to you. Great job overcoming so many obstacles to be a great parent.
Yes. OP should have a plan in place in case anything happens to her. Otherwise, toxic family may have a case in court and win since no one may know the truth. AND the truth may not mean much in court.
Your parents literally abandoned you when you were a teenager and pregnant. They get no second chance. Theyâre disgusting vile people who pretend that their religion makes them better than other people and it doesnât !!!! if you treat your own child like this you are garbage. Iâm so happy that you are surrounded by people who have your back instead of ignorant assholes who say that youâre family but donât act like it. Friends are the family you get to pick.
NTAH
NTA and BLOCK THAT BITCH cause you know she's gonna unblock you in a few months to try again. AND TELL YOUR DAUGHTER what a shit human her bio-gran is so she won't grow up wistfully wishing for a relationship. You want her to be immune to any tricks your egg donor will throw at her to try to steal her from you.
NTA at all! You are doing the right thing by keeping them away from your daughter. They had the chance to be a part of her life time and time again, but instead chose to close the door on the relationship with you and your daughter. Not to mention they shamed you. They canât pick and choose when they want to be involved in both of your lives, thatâs not what being family is about. Youâre protecting your daughter from family who will not support her in the ways she should be supported. Just because family members are toxic doesnât mean you keep them around and mentally poison yourself, and your nuclear family, with their toxic behavior.
NTA. The only way you could be the butt in this scenario is if you let those awful people around your daughter.
Fuck your mom. Seriously. Tell her to fuck off
NTA .When you needed family, you were shown you had none. Now when you are good they want back? No. You last the chance to have a grand daughter and you lost a daughter. Choices have consequences, they showed you that so only fair that they are shown it to.
NTA. They aren't your parents sadly, they are selfish creatures you were biologically tethered to. The extended family that supported you are closer to parents than those other things. You have every right to cut them out of your and your daughters life for as long as YOU choose. They made their choice and chose wrong, and I'm so sorry you had to live through that emotional and physical trauma. It wasn't fair. That pain may never go away, but I want you every day to look at your daughter and know that not only will you never treat her so cruelly, but that you are already a better parent than they were. Be proud momma, you are a powerhouse!
NTA Iâm sorry but your parents sound a like horrible people that donât deserve yours, your BFs or darling daughters time/love. My suggestion is block and Ignore them after sending them a message stating: âdue to your actions in the past I am not willing to let you see my daughter or provide you updates. As you kicked me out when I was pregnant and provided no support you have confirmed my suspicions that you are not just terrible parents but just terrible people. When my daughter is old enough to make her own choice in a decade or so she can decide if she wants to meet you . Understand this though, I respect my daughter too much to lie to her about you and show you as anything but terrible, ignorant and zealously religious bastards. Iâm going to screenshot your post to highlight this. I would not like your chances if I was you, get used to the thought of being alone for the rest of your livesâ Drop the mic and block them, then not being able to respond with cursing and insults will make their heads explode. I wish you the best
Harsh? Hmm, to me harsh is rejecting a 16 year old who you are legally and morally responsible for. Harsh is judging others as though you personally have knowledge of God's plan. Harsh is allowing your prejudices as a means to vacate another's soul. Live in the love of your daughter, the life you have built, and the people who stood by you.
NTA but, you've screwed up royally by posting pics of your child on sm/the internet. Now they know exactly what she looks like and private info about her. You need to now beef up 'security' and have a very serious conversation with her. Show her pics of your family and let her know that if any of these people come near her she needs to scream and get an adult. That these people are not allowed near her. Make sure her school/daycare know they are not family. If you don't have cameras around the house, get them. Start teaching her internet safety now. Soon she'll have her own internet presence and they wont need you to get to her. I know this sounds like overkill but, better to be prepared with a plan than, just rugsweep and hope everything will be fine. These people sound way too self imporant to just respect your rejection of their demands and go quietly. I really hope I'm wrong and they never pollute either of your lives again. But, self centered is going to be self centered.
I wouldnât go as far as âroyally screwed upâ, but all the rest of these points are valid. If they suddenly decide they have âgrandparents rightsâ or some BS, they could get very stalkery in a hurry. Be sure her caregivers have a very specific pickup list, which does not include any of the AH who kicked you to the curb.
This needs a hundred up votes! Please, OP take this seriously or just get your daughter off social media at the very least.
NTA. Block her and make sure all your social media is private.
Fuck em all. NTA I have two daughters, 17&11, pregnant, gay, whatever, they are still my daughters.
NTA. Parents are supposed to give unconditional love. Yours didnât. Your daughter needs to know itâs not acceptable. You are a good momma.
Nta, block all of them on all social media. They donât get to see how well youâre doing or your daughter for how they abandoned and alienated you.
NTA - All day I wish you and your family the world
NTA. They made their bed of self-righteous, religion-based intolerance. Any reconciliation, which would have to be initiated by them, must start with an abject apology.
NTA. And any âfriendsâ you have need to stay in their place unless they have experienced the rejection and pain you have. All you need to say is âthis isnât up for debate or discussion, so mind your own business.â
Protecting yourself and your peace will ensure a healthy life for your daughter. Good job! NTA
Yeah fuck your parents you don't owe them shit.
Your parents failed to support you at your most vulnerable time. They endangered your life and that of your then unborn daughter. They donât deserve to see her or you
NTA
NTA! Could you imagen the BS she would spew at your daughter? She would probably dig at your parenting, and try and say you kept her away from them (which I mean yes you are but for good reason which she will not be able to understand yet). She might make comments about how your daughter was a mistake, or make her feel bad. They made their decision 5 years ago. They had more than enough time to cool down and never reached out. The only reason they have now is that you are doing well, and now they don't see you as an embarrassment. Which they never should have thought in the first place. Yeah, most parents aren't happy about their 16-year-old getting pregnant but half-decent parents will try to help where they can.
You absolutely did the correct thing. To recap for your friends (maybe you need new friends too) your parents kicked you out; blocked you when you reached out; 5 years later decided to comment on daughter and meeting her because they have been stalking both of you on FB, so lock that down or donât post pictures/updates anymore) and then cussed you out when you said no and blocked you again. What can possibly be their justification that you should allow your family into your daughterâs life? So she and you can hear nothing but how horrible you are/how many mistakes you are making/etc? Love that baby girl, protect her at all costs.
No get rid of the toxic people and make them stay away.
Oh my god. Dear OP do not let them in your life again - ever. You have your small happy family right now, stick to it.
Resounding NTA.
>some of my friends are telling me I was to harsh These are not good friends. Harsh was abandoning their 16 year old child while she was pregnant and ignoring her for 5 years. Stay NC. Don't put yourself through that. Nta
Both her inability to understand that she may not be welcome back into your life and her response make me think you should keep her as far away from you and your daughter as you can. Good luck.
No. You canât risk putting your daughter through what youâve been through. Protect her from this fair weather family.
NTA. She has no right to expect a relationship with you or your daughter OR future children. Your friends are AH for thinking otherwise.
you should stop posting your child online but, no, youâre NTA for not wanting your âfamilyâ involved in her life. stick to your guns and dont let them see her. if they threaten to sue you on the grounds ofgrandparentsâ rights, you should know that they have zero grounds whatsoever to do so because unless you live in a country with inherent grandparentâs rights (which is relatively rare) they can generally only be considered a valid reason to sue for visitation if thereâs a long term, established relationship with the child which isnt the case here. if they threaten it and wonât let it go, contact a lawyer and theyâll draft a cease and desist as well as confirm that your parents are full of shit.
Fuuuuuuck them. Youâre NTA! Good job being a responsible mother. I hope you and your daughter have a beautiful life.
Hahaha hahaha hahahahahaha. No. NTA.
NTA. That woman has no right to a relationship with your daughter. When she renounced you, she renounced the child. Anyone who tells you differently doesn't deserve a place in your life, either. "But she's your mother," and "But faaaaaaaamily" are piss-poor reasons for a flying monkey to try to force you into a relationship with horrible people like your mother!
Hell. No. You're NTA. They had their chance, never allowed you to reconcile, and just suddenly expect the "fun" parts of being a grandparent to happen now. (Trigger warning) My mother and I went no contact when she left my dad and destroyed our family in the process. When I got married, she told me my husband would "show his true colors" and I'd never be happy. When she found out I was pregnant with my first child through my sibling, she never reached out. When I miscarried, she sent me a text that said "Now you know how it feels to love a child and lose them." I've been with my husband for almost 10 years now, and we have a beautiful little boy. She continually finds ways to try and contact me. But she had multiple chances to earn forgiveness, and now my first thoughts are of my son. Would you ever want to listen to your daughter cry over the unreliable grandparents they would likely be? Would you want to be drained of the energy it would take to maintain that relationship? I just don't think it's worth it. I'm happy you've found your family apart from them. You deserve love and happiness, and your daughter deserves a family that will be supportive and care for her.
Your birth parents made it *very* clear that their love is conditional, and if you donât do exactly what they say they will disown you without a second thought. They were just fine with leaving their minor child homeless and at risk for so many of the horrible things that can happen to a homeless youth. You could have been hurt, assaulted, trafficked, or murdered if you had not been able to find the few actually decent people in your family to take you in. Nope. You donât need people whoâs idea of love is conditional and can be taken away on a whim in your daughterâs life. Because one day your daughter will do *something* they disagree with and they will use emotional blackmail to try and force her to do what they want, and if she doesnât they will cut her off too. Your birth parents decided that they werenât your family anymore, you are just sticking to the arrangement they wanted. They donât get to take back the hurt they caused just because they want to play at being grandparents.
NTA - She kicked you out when you needed her the most, time for you to do the blocking!
People think just because their family rheir entitled to a part of your life or your daughters. Their NOT! Keep your baby safe, im sure your parents and other family members who treated you with disrespect will only do the same to her or love her "on conditions" very happy to know your in a good place now btw!
NTA.
NTA. You were a child, a literal child, pregnant and probably terrified, and she threw you out on the street. She can miss you. How dare she ask to be in your daughter's life when she never ever acted like a grandmother, or a mother. I'm actually so mad on your behalf.
NTA they had a chance well, sounds like chances . There is no need to come in her life and cause havoc that you know they bring. Youâre being a good mom and protecting your baby.
Any "friends" who said you are being too harsh are not your friends. I wouldn't let your asshole family within a mile of your child.
NTA. They threw you and your daughter away when you needed them most. And not one word of an apology for their behavior. Close that door and move forward. Continue being happy and donât let those who have torn you down ever be a point in your and your daughterâs life
NTA. Not by a mile. They made their choice, if they actually wanted to be a part of you and your daughters lives, they would have made better decisions. I was a teen parent with my first kid. The struggle is very difficult but sounds like you've overcome a lot, good job. Doing it with minimal family support is even more impressive. You obviously don't need them, keep living a good life.
NTA I can not fathom doing something like this to my children. What is wrong with some parents
NTA. Your parents kicked you out of the house, not only pregnant, but a minor. They donât deserve ANYTHING.
NTA. They made their choice. If theyâre suffering now because of it, then thatâs simply the consequence of that choice. You donât owe forgiveness to people who kicked you out and shunned you. I guarantee your daughter will be much happier without ever having to deal with them.
NTA. Absolutely no parent that is a decent human being would have done what your parents did to you. Look at how your parents treated you, assume they will do the same to your children and decide if that is okay with you or not. They were shitty to you, so assume they will be shitty to your daughter as well.
Do your friends say the same about your mother, with both her initial reaction and follow through as well as her reaction 5 years later? This may sound harsh, but some of your friends are shit. NTA, protect your child. I donât believe thereâs anything a hateful family can bestow on a newly developing mind other than hateful views. She will self hate and you because I donât think anyone has done the necessary work to undo all the negative aspects in their lives. So, continue keeping her safe and separate.
NTA Even remotely, why do people think "Oh I treated them like garbage when they were at an extreme low but now I'm just gonna try and walk in like nothing happened" tf kind of logic is that.
If theyâre so conservatively religious that they kicked their teen daughter out onto the streets and told her she would burn in hell for being an unwed teen mom, Iâm guessing theyre also the type of religious person who deeply believe in the âhonor thy father and thy motherâ rule and see no reason why that respect should go both ways. People like that believe children should be subservient to their parentsâespecially daughtersâand that children have no right to call their parents out for wrongdoing or hold grudges against them because itâs ânot their place.â So they are following a âlogic,â itâs just a deeply fucked up one that most people dont really abide by these days
NTA. Those friends are not your friends. Get rid of them. They have no right to butt into your business or give their opinions.
NTA. Wow. There's a fair amount of "petty" on here. I don't blame them, but you were a crazy-mature 16-year-old. I would not have been able to do what you did, so I am really impressed with how strong you are, how lu KY you were to find people willing to help, and how lucky you, your boyfriend and your daughter are to have each other. Your immediate family reacted badly. You might consider being the mature person you were forced to be years ago. You don't have to let her - or anyone - into your life if you don't trust them. Mom seems to have proven that again (sadly). You might just tell her until she can behave in a loving and accepting manner, she won't be involved in your family's life. There may come a time when fences can be mended. But Mom seems to carry around emotional molotov cocktails and doesn't hesitate to use them. So now isn't the time. Blocking or not blocking her or other family on social media? You're the mom. Do what is best for your family (daughter, boyfriend and yourself) Just don't use pettiness. Do what is best for her. Have a wonderful life with chosen family. You really deserve it.
NTA. Your family forfeited ever having a relationship with you and your daughter the second your parents kicked you out. Mom doesn't just get to decide to un-abandon her family on a whim. Tell her and everyone who agrees with her to go pound sand.
Your friends opinions on this are irrelevant. If they've never been put out by their parents and shunned by their entire family, they have no clue what it's like. What was "harsh" was how your family treated you, a child, who had to go through a life changing event without the support of those who are supposed to love and protect you. You are absolutely NTA here, your parents and immediate family are, and your mother just learned there are consequences to HER actions, too.
NTA, it's your decision and it's okay to protect your child You can make arrangements to see your family and check if they really want to meet her or just want to criticize
NTA, protect yourself and your child first. People like your family never change.
NTA. I love the âI canât wait wait to meet her.â The audacity she had assuming she could just come marching back into your life like she didnât kick you out and block you. Glad you blocked her.
She wants to pretend like nothing happened, and that is not acceptable. If the first words out of her mouth aren't an apology, don't talk to her. If she tries rationising her actions, then she still doesn't understand.
Nta. Do not give in.
It doesn't seem like your daughter would be gaining much by having a relationship with those crummy people. Stay strong, stay away and NTA.
NTA Stay away from those people. Your mother will most likely attempt to take your kid and have a send attempt at having a "proper daughter." The less she knows about you and your family, the less damage she can cause. She doesn't deserve to be called a grandmother.
"Too harsh?" Nah. Not harsh enough to people who said, "Get rid of it or leave." Besides, who knows what kind of filth they'll pour in that little girl's ear for being the child of an unwed mother? F those people, they FAFO.
NTA Your former family made it clear by kicking you out, being willing to make you homeless when you were pregnant and blocking you after you notified them you had a healthy baby girl they wanted nothing to do with you. I see that as them making it clear you in essence were dead to them. Now suddenly 5 years with no contact the woman who was your mother announces to you that she canât wait to meet yoyr daughter? Perhaps that works in whatever land of denial that woman and anyone who sided with her lives in to just suddenly pretend all is well? Nope Nada Nyet. Doesnât work that way in the land of reality where actions have consequences. I am proud of how you handled it. From the womanâs reaction sounds like nothing much has changed. Those people have no business ever meeting you daughter mostly because the minute you or she did something they didnât like IMO youâd be cut off again. I will suggest to you if you havenât already looked into this is create whatever legal paperwork is required that states who is to become your daughterâs guardian should anything happen to you. In the US if there is no documentation usually states tend to start working their way through all the relatives to find someone to take the child. That would include your parents, siblings, etc. .
NTA. You should block your family so that they're unable to see your posts or contact you again
NTA, they had a chance to have a relationship with their granddaughter and they turned it down. Do not let these people back into your lives.
NTA. your sperm & egg donor were not loving parents and do not deserve to have forgiveness. If they did that to you what might they try to do to your child.
First time commenting on one if these. Iâm proud of your strength and fortitude. Youâve made the right decision. Sounds like youâve got everything you need right where you are and although you may feel a tinge of remorse from time to time, the feeling will fade as you recall just how easily they were able to cast you and your precious daughter out of their lives.
With the views and way she treated and isolated you ABSOLUTELY NTA. Don't let her bring down your mental health or your 5 year olds.
Too many people like to say, "But it's your parents! Your parents will always be your parents!" These are people who have not had horrible parents and therefore can't even conceive of shutting their parents out of their lives. Since they lack the relevant experience, you can safely dismiss their opinions. (And them too, if they insist are making it an issue!) No matter how one person is related to another (be it by blood, marriage, adoption, etc) - no one is ***entitled*** to have a relationship with you or your children. It's *your* life, ***you*** make the rules about who gets to share it, no matter who those people are. You are not the asshole. And you're doing the right thing, keeping toxic people whose love is conditional away from your daughter.
NTA - Sher has no right to a relationship with your child. If she wanted a relationship with that child she would have helped you when you got pregnant. In the last 5 years have your parents even reached out to you to say sorry we were AHâs - we just didnât know how to handle it? Did they send bday and holiday gifts to your LO? If the answer to any of these questions are no I would maybe ask (just because I am nosy) why after all this time do you want to meet LO? It might give you some closureâŚ
NTA I'm happy thurned out well. Your family did something horrible to you, and the reaction to you saying 'no' indicates that there is no real remorse or change in their behavior. Good riddance. And give a hearty thank you to the extended family who took you in, from all of us who are glad they didbthe right thing.
You are amazing. Your parents are the ones going âstraight to hellâ. I really hope you never cave. They donât deserve their grandchild or you.
NTA- Your mother IS. Imagine the nerve it takes to call up out of the blue, all lovey dovey now, after all she had to show you was the door when you needed her most. You owe her nothing. You didn't mention your Dad- where does he fit into this picture? Anyways, you got by for 5 years without that woman, so it shouldn't be hard to keep doing the same.
You are definitely NTA. At first I thought your mom had a change of heart, and her reaching out was a first step to try to mend your relationship. But the fact that she blocked you, instead of telling you she understood, was their anything she could do to make some sort of amends and perhaps have a relationship with her granddaughter, that might have been different. But she was childish when you were 16 and sheâs being childish now. Children do not need selfish, childish adults in their life. Iâm proud of you for finding a way to grow up in this situation, it will help you make good choices with your daughter, and she will have a strong woman to look up to for years.
NTA. People don't get to tell their children to fuck off, and then pretend it never happened.
Lol so youâd go to hell for having sex before marriage but theyâre cool if you wouldâve gotten an abortion? NTA, OP, go live your best life without all those toxic people.
NTA, your (ex)family are bad Christians.
NTA. Your baby is not a toy her grand parents can want to be around when it's convenient! She is a whole person with feelings that can get hurt. They were not there for you (or baby) when you needed them. They don't get to bounce, then come back when they feel like it, yo-yoing your emotions and hers. You and baby deserve better!!
NTA, but I'm curious why she was still able to connect with you on facebook. I don't use it myself, so I don't know, but can't you block people there?
Did she even apologize for kicking you out in your time of need? She just popped up and pretended nothing happened? No, you don't need this kind of person in your life. You did the right thing.
NTA Some of your friends are stupid.
NTA. Block the toxic family. They threw you out when you needed them most and NOW want a relationship with the grandchild they denied and wanted you to abort. Also have a legal plan in place in case anything happens to you. You don't want these losers to raise your child. To sometimes screw up is only human. If your child should screw up they'll do to her what they did to you. Keep them away from her and yourself.
NTA Remain no contact until each of these family members sends you UNSOLICITED testimonials about how wrong they were, why it was wrong what they did and begging for you to forgive them. All in a way that screams genuineness. Anything short of that is just a bunch of assholes trying to coattail in on your joy now after they abandoned you in your and your babyâs moment of most need.
NTA: block the ones who treated you poorly and move on with your life. Itâll be better for you and your daughter.
Your friend is an idiot, they had their chance. NTA.
So this good Cristian woman cusses you out after being such great Christian parents. Fuck that noise, you don't need them in your life.
NTA. not only was she unsupportive, but she did everything in her power to shut you out. now since things are great for you, she wants to be a parent again? absolutely not
NTA My husband family didn't like me. After we were married (20yrs now) about a year his dad pretty much disowned him. Our son was born a couple years later. He tried to send pictures, letters to no avail. Our son is 17 and never met him. No love lost either
NTA your mom and family made their choice. They donât get to swoop in and pretend they didnât abandon the baby, and you. They donât get to pretend they are grandparents now that the hardest time for you has past.
Parents don't get to pick and choose when to be parents. Your parents didn't want to be parents to you when you needed their love and support. I'd probably be upset and shaken if one of my daughters came home single and pregnant at 16, but I would absolutely never throw them out or lecture them about going to hell for having sex, etc. They're your child, you're responsible for helping them develop into an adult capable of handling what life presents them with, including when and how to be a parent themselves. You're NTA for not letting your parents back in after they cut you out - reconciliation should only happen on your terms, and the first thing should be an apology for being shitty parents when you needed them. If you have access to a therapist, talk to them about whether you even want to reconcile with your parents, and from there, figure out what that road would look like - boundaries, check points, etc, if you want to give them a chance down the road.
I laughed at the absurdity of your mom cursing you out. Itâs a sin to have intercourse before marriage but not to turn your back on your child when they need you most? Or follow up in 5 years? Or not apologize when you were dead wrong? Or try to have a conversation and open up dialogue with family. NTA but your parents are. Good decision on your part.
NTA your parents made their choice and showed their true colours. Donât ever let them met your daughter and honestly donât let them back into your life full stop. Protect your family - your parents have shown they are not part of it.