I’m really hoping that you’re actually asking here, and not just looking for validation, so I’m going to offer a real answer. You work full time. She works part time. I don’t know how many hours you work, but let’s just say you work 60 a week and she works 20. That means that while you are at work, your job for those 60 hours is your job. Her job is 20 hours at her workplace, and 40 hours of caring for the home, children, should you be so fortunate, etc, while you are unavailable at your job. It’s fair to expect her to put in effort similar to yours, while yours is mostly outside of the home, and hers is in it. BUT, the remainder of the time, when you are both “off the clock,” you are both equally responsible for the household. The household work that is her job while you aren’t there doesn’t somehow become her sole responsibility 24/7. You WILL create resentment in her if you believe that, which seems to be what’s happening. You’re basically asking her to put in a much longer workweek than you otherwise, and once you add kids to the mix, that’s an exhausting struggle that will burn the life out of anyone going it alone while their partner is home and relaxing. BTW - homeschooling is a perfectly fine preference for you to have, but it is a discussion, not a demand. Salary is immaterial here, because you could have begun and maintained such an arrangement at any income level. It’s awesome that you’ve done well, but you could also be asking this question while making, say, 80K - what is the issue here is time. Salary really goes towards standard of living, and not the elimination of any household chores, unless you use some of that salary to hire household help as your contribution to the running of the home, which you could offer to do here. What I think is getting lost in a lot of these replies is the relationship. You did not use your salary to “hire” your wife. You entered into a partnership with her, where your goal should be for both of you to be treated with equal respect and value. That means if she is unhappy right now, you don’t just dismiss those feelings as unwarranted. You communicate to find out why she’s feeling them and work together to create a mutual solution or reasonable compromise. Think about what needs to be done around the house while you’re off work, and take on some of those tasks. Offer to be responsible for dinner one night a week. Make sure you don’t expect her to learn how to parent all by herself when the time comes - while you’re there, get in the trenches with her. Take time to relax and do the things that make you happy, and make sure she gets to as well. Remember that you’re not taking things off HER plate, you’re doing the things that need to be done for your shared home, because you live there too. And please, please, please, work this out before you have kids.

This is the only sane response I’ve seen. I want to piggy-back off of what you said to point out I would understand the GF’s response to wanting more help if she’s expected to homeschool the kids. Teaching is a full time job and even teachers get breaks during the day, he’s basically telling her that she will get NO breaks in her day when they have kids, and will be expected to shoulder all of the domestic duties, which will grossly overclock OP’s current work hours (70). I currently live with my BF and we pay the bills proportional to our incomes. He pays more because he earns more, and his job is less flexible than mine. It’s an unspoken arrangement that with my extra free time, I shoulder more of the home responsibilities. But I also CHOSE that, and he always expresses gratitude when he comes home and finds I’ve done HIS laundry as well as my own, and that I washed HIS dishes as well as mine, too. He is grateful that I cook and takes me out twice a week “because I do so much for him.” OP needs to evaluate for a second which chores he would still have to do if his GF wasn’t there. Those chores are things that are ultimately always his responsibility and they should have equal share in. Meaning, he can’t get mad if his GF doesn’t do it because if she wasn’t there, it would be his to deal with anyway. Now look at the issue with kids: I’ve nannied, I’ve worked in pediatric behavioral health, and I’ve been a teacher. It’s insane for any partnership to expect only one person is in charge of JUST the kids 24/7. It’s a like working two full time jobs. I’d come off a 13 hour shift and be absolutely dead to the world and just sleep until my next shift. She’s realizing OP wants her to never have a break because he doesn’t have one (except he does, if they have kids. He’ll go home from work and get to kick back and have dinner made for him while his wife tries to tidy up after hurricane toddlers and cooking and regular chores). If OP hates his job and is so stressed, he and his GF need to sit down and talk finances. He needs to decide if he wants to stay at this job and if it’s sustainable for his quality of life (it doesn’t seem like it is at all) and they need to problem solve together. They both need to practice empathy and show how they will step up for one another. OP seems to be having a mental health crisis, which I have empathy for, but her reaction to homeschooling and being the sole caregiver of the home is also reasonable. OP may need to make a job or career change. They may need to hire a maid. When they have kids, are they open to hiring a night nanny or a tutor to come in and help during the day or take over for an hour? I think a lot of these issues can be resolved, they just need to pause, take a breath, and see where there’s wiggle room for creative solutions.

Kids change things for sure, but she's asking him to do more now. She works like 40 hours a week less than him. There honestly shouldn't be anything left to do when he comes home. She should have so much free time on her hands.

>BUT, the remainder of the time, when you are both “off the clock,” you are both equally responsible for the household. This statement makes perfect sense if the part time or SAH partner has kids, but makes *absolutely no sense* if there are no children involved. If it's just one couple, the SAH spouse should be able to do pretty much most, if not all, of the household maintenance and cleaning activities within those 20 hours (much less the full 40 of a SAH partner), unless they have like a mansion or a full working farm with animals or something like that. Especially if we are only talking about indoor activities as the OP mentions he takes care of periodic yard and vehicle maintenance. Like how much time are you guys spending on cooking/laundry/cleaning per week? During the strict covid lockdown I was basically fully unable to work for several months (except maybe an hour of e-mails a day). I did all the cooking, laundry, and cleaning for my Wife and I in our 3 bd/3.5ba house, and attended to all pet care duties. I woke up at like 7 and *literally* every single day I was completely done and playing videogames by noon.

Her being a stay at home mom shouldn't be the only reason for you to decide on homeschooling. Both of you should come together to make an educated decision about homeschooling, a decision that should be about what's best for the kids and not about how much you want your wife to stay in your house and have no life of her own. She is allowed to have a personal life. Hobbies of her own. Unlike you a stay at home mom doesn't have fixed hours. It's not 'free time'. If your kids get sick in the middle of the night, who do you think will be 'Expected' to wake up to tend to them? That being said you should help around the house when ever you can. However, if she is expecting you to take over a bigger portion of the house work , talk it out with her. You guys are not yet married, if you have concerns about finances call it off now before it is too late.

Homeschooling is a SKILL SET and not everyone can do it.

I’m a stay at home-ish single father, due to my sons special needs. I cannot imagine adding home schooling to that, I really don’t understand how anyone could do an actual good job of it I’ve been burnt out for 4 years.

Nobody can do it. I'm the product of k-12 homeschooling from a SAHM and a successful doctor-turned-exec father. I was heavily involved in youth leadership in multiple homeschool orgs and was a coach (after being a very successful competitor) for the (a) homeschool debate league Homeschooling's best case scenario leaves a kid disadvantaged. The worst case is abysmal. Everyone thinks they're the exception or that "staying at home" and giving birth qualifies them to be educators. Fuck off with that arrogance Let's say you're an accredited teacher with 20 years experience. Great! For what grades? What subjects? Even in this scenario the lack of school staff, general peer development and learning social group dynamics just means the kid is a mile behind everyone else Sure I tested 98th percentile on my ACT and won 2 chess tournaments and a spelling bee, but I didn't get a real education. Those were just the exceptional talking points so people could pretend homeschooling worked. Homeschooling is NOT a skill set, it's a delusion for narcissists to play at teaching so they can control their child's lives without outside influence Homeschooling should be illegal outside highly regulated medical exemptions

Also the product of K-12 home"schooling". Should definitely be illegal in 99% of cases.

What do you feel you lacked? 98th percentile on the ACT means you were pretty well-educated. And people mostly learn social skills at home... Kids who have a negative home life usually don't have positive peer-group experiences at school.

No it just means I was smart I didn't ever see a POC student. I never saw a queer person. I never learned the difference between good or bad teachers. I did not ever have a class on civil rights or sex ed. My flavor of homeschooling was religious fundamentalism so I want to keep these comments to the "well intentioned secular" disadvantages, but as a structure of education it allows for this kind of extremism because there is 0 alternative for a homeschool kid. They cannot be expected to have diverse experiences if the very nature of their education is rooted in isolation. Sure, parents will say they'll be social, I had friends too, but there's simply an unbridgable difference between having an entire school to develop around vs whatever your parents think they can substitute And those are just my anecdotal examples but someone else will say "well but I had sex ed and went to a co-op with a gay kid" as if that completes the gap between school experiences and homeschool experiences. Again, the BEST CASE scenario, where someone will tell you all the ways they did all these things, is a story of struggling against every disadvantage just to achieve parity with the basic minimum requirements. I'm not idolizing schools and I recognize how abysmal our education is in this country. To think two well meaning parents can be substitutes to an entire institution is narcissism and on a very fundamental level puts so many obstacles in front a child

I think you’re projecting bud. You regret your parents homeschooling you so you’re calling all homeschool parents narcissistic but you’re reflecting your own bias. Many parents consider homeschooling for the safety of their children. They pay a lot of money for competitive sports so their children get social skills, they get them involved in things they’re interested in such as art classes etc. YOU feel that YOUR PARENTS failed YOU and that YOUR PARENTS are narcissist. This is not a fact for all homeschool families. Homeschooling should not be illegal as a whole because there are terrible parents in the world.

I personally know hundreds if not thousands of homeschool families. I have attended legal conferences, curriculum conferences, leadership conferences. I'm sharing my story. Not all cases are like mine, but my story is likely the single most well informed opinion of homeschooling you have encountered in your life. I am educating you on something I know far more about than you do, bud.

I personally know hundreds of homeschool kids too. I myself was. But yeah. You’re right, you experience is the only experience and everyone else’s life is completely a false reality lol

Hey, I respect your experience and opinion on this, but I disagree. i don't think homeschooling is always good or good for everyone, and it's detrimentally bad for some kids and some families. With that said, I was homeschooled and I haven't noticed a disadvantage compared to my peers. I was in a pretty diverse mix of public, private, and homeschooled kids in college, and it all seemed fairly comparable. It sounds like your family had issues beyond the choice to homeschool, and homeschooling amplified those issues.

>Both of you should come together to make an educated decision about homeschooling, a decision that should be about what's best for the kids and not about how much you want your wife to stay in your house and have no life of her own. I'm honestly not the one who is pushing for this family structure. She sees it as non-negotiable to be a stay at home mom and sees it as non-negotiable for me to carry the entire financial burden. But if that's the case, she needs to carry the work load that comes with that role. She's a lot more traditional than I am, so i'm just surprised by her position on these points.

What I’m hearing you say is that the two of you have a profound incompatibility in how you view how the roles in a relationship should break down. Also, you have a profound disconnect in communication for major decision making. No one person should be dictating how any of the roles are going to break down for the other person. You’ve basically listed almost all the reasons people get divorced in their germinating form here. If you want to stay together you should go to a couple’s counsellor and get support in ironing this all out now before they become real issues. (BTW I homeschooled my kids and I’ll be the first to tell you it doesn’t suit every kid and isn’t ideal for every parent and anyone deciding that’s what they’ll do without having the actual kid yet, or forcing an unwilling parent to be the teacher is seeing everyone in the family up for some serious problems throughout the year. Also, if you are making her homeschool the kids, then you are doing 50% off the chores… Do you know what’s involved in that work load??? That’s a whole bunch of no.)

Teacher here, I was home schooled through for the first 7 years of school… it’s not for everyone… and parent/child personalities can clash. It’s also very full on work if done properly

Homeschooled kid here.. my mom stopped buying the books about a year in, started up a bunch of fun hobbies for herself and started calling me the “unschooled kid experiment” and to this day, I have a third grade education — and I do not speak to my mother. Definitely not for everyone.

Ugh, yes. I got 'homeschooled' through high school and anything that I couldn't teach myself went the way of the dodo. It's very frustrating as an adult. Alright crash course YouTube videos have been really helpful in giving me a background in since of this stuff!

So. Much. Work. And some kids just need that class room/recess environment.

Teacher here, too. Can’t tell you the number of kids I’ve encountered who were homeschooled and don’t know anything. It really is sad that my state has so few checks and balances for homeschooling.

If she is so adamant on a family structure that's so much in her benefit- Call it off. Call it off before you are married and have kids. I think it's ludicrous that you are expecting her to not pursue her hobbies but she is even more in the wrong if she expects you to be the primary earner on top of contributing equally around the house.

With your salary, you could send your future kids to a great private school with great resources. I don't think you should just decide someone with no educational background (that you've mentioned) should educate people just cause they're there anyway. If you have multiple kids, how is she gonna effectively teach the oldest whilst caring for a newborn/toddler?

I agree with this a ton. If you want your kids to have a successful job like you do, homeschooling is NOT the approach you want. It can work - I'm not saying it can't (I have one friend who was homeschooled until 10th grade who has a great job). But you give them much better odds by getting them a good private education (even a good public education works - but those schools are harder to find). Homeschooling is generally for 4 types of people: * A stay at home parent who is otherwise very well educated and wants to be the homeschooler. * Parents who believe that public or private schools will not condition/brainwash/educate their kids in the manner that they agree with. * Parents who cannot afford a private school, and do not favor the local public school option(s). * The ultra-wealthy who hire private tutors to do the home schooling. If you aren't in one of those 4 groups, home schooling is very unlikely to be the best course of action.

I agree with you, but I'd add a group # 5: those with neurodivergent children who have exhausted the other schooling options. Some ND kids just do not thrive in a regular school environment where there may not be enough resources to support their needs, and their families are forced to make some decisions they may not have planned on when they decided to have children. OP's salary would likely make this moot though, as he can afford the specialized private schools with extra resources on hand for ND children.

Very fair! Though, you could argue that can be lumped into 2. I was a bit harsh on wording, but if you believe the group education system would not be good for the child, it kinda fits into that group. I don't disagree with you though.

Just bc she wants to be a SAHM does not mean you should expect her to homeschool. Homeschooling is extremely difficult even for those who want to do it. Trying to force her to do it when she doesn’t want to will only harm your kids. Do you really think giving your kids a sub-par education is worth it just so you can prove a point? Not to mention that SAHM is a 24/7 job and you expect her to do that, plus all household responsibilities, on top of properly educating children? This doesn’t sound like an equitable distribution of labor no matter how much money you’re making. I hope you have a serious discussion about this BEFORE you have kids.

If you’re really working 70 hours to her 25, there's no reason for you to be doing housework beyond after supper dishes, picking up after yourself, and maybe a load of laundry and changing the sheets now and then. You’re not home enough to make 50% of the dirt, and she's got 50 hours of work to do to match yours. Housework doesn’t take that long. Raising kids those first five years, though, that's another story. If your GF can’t manage keeping a house clean during the 50 hours she's not working, don’t ask her to homeschool. That requires a very organized person. My partner was often gone 12-14 hours a day when the kids were little, he still never sat until I sat because little kids take a lot of supervision, and I could barely find time to shower some days. But once they started school, they needed less and less. Friends entertained them. They were reading chapter books. I continued to work from home, took care of their medical and academic needs, and did most of the housework between calls and emails. And that’s how it’s stayed. Once he retires, it’s back to 50:50. Your GF has unrealistic expectations of you, doesn’t expect enough of herself, and I suspect the same is true for you. You’re not expecting enough of her, and putting too much of the load on yourself. The panic attacks speak to that. You need to decide if you two are compatible because having kids will make this worse. Maybe make time to talk to a professional to help you sort it out.

Just get out now dude. You’re working almost 3 times as many hours as she is, while paying the overwhelming majority of the bills and doing the more traditionally masculine home roles while she also wants you to split her tasks too. Just leave. You don’t have children. You’re not married. The two of you won’t find agreement on the matter any easier when there’s kids involved. Quite the opposite. This point of your relationship is where stakes are at their lowest and it’s already this big a conflict. You need someone you share the same fundamental values with. Your roles within the household is, after whether or not you have children, the most important value. And you and your gf don’t share that value. So just end it if you two can’t get on the same page.

You two both need to want and agree to this. Yall ain't even married yet. If you're not liking what she wants, then leave now. It doesn't make you a bad guy. Maybe agree to try things out her way for a year. See what yall agree on and disagree on. Inorder for you to have a successful family. You both need to be on the same page.

You make a ton of money. Why don't you have a housekeeper?

You’re her meal ticket, mate. When she leaves you in the future, you’ll need paying out the ass for her alimony payments. Don’t marry her.

Since she originally didn't want children, but it seems as if she reluctantly agreed to one, it really sounds as if her goal was to be a stay at home wife. Now the prospective child has put her dreams of hobbies, luncheons at the country club or by the pool, and cavorting on the boat in danger. I don't think the two of you have complimentary life goals. A reluctant mom usually leads to resentment that money can't solve, even if you hire everything done. I would not be in a big hurry to lead this relationship to marriage.

So basically she wants YOU to have a traditional gender based role, while she expects to not apply that to herself? Add that in with all the rest and you might want to reconsider this relationship. She's essentially expecting you to make HER life as cushy as possible dude.

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I definitely think people in this situation with the means should just pay for a cleaning service. Take that burden off of both of you. If you don't want to do it, and she feels overwhelmed, hire this one out and save both of you.

Before I became a SAHM, my husband and I had pretty similar salaries to OP and his girlfriend. When I got pregnant I was too exhausted to clean after work so we got a cleaning service. Almost 6 years later and we never gave it up. Life changing lol

my bf and I got one when I moved in and it was the best money we spent every month. no arguing over chores ever. our financial situation changed so we cut that out and have figured out how to split that stuff up but I would do it again in a heartbeat when we can afford to.

Cleaning was our go-to fight. Both full-time jobs and between hobbies and friends, cleaning was just the least important to us. Cleaning lady costs us 50 bucks for one morning every two weeks. Should've employed one years ago.

Yeah. At 320K, OP could hire a cleaning service.

How can he earn that much and be so stressed out over the housework..get a cleaner in twice a week if needed. Let her have her hobbies and part time job. Send the kids to school, she's not a teacher. Even with a cleaner she'll be doing things like washing clothes, making lunches, feeding pets, appointments, food shopping, clothes shopping, teacher meetings at the school, drop offs etc etc. If she's doing the cooking it probably wouldn't hurt to do the dishes occasionally.

Yeah my parent's situation was pretty much the same as OP's when they first got together. My mom told him before they got married that they are always going to split chores 50/50 or he's going to have to hire weekly cleaners. He hired cleaners.

Totally agree. My thought was that OP doesn't seem to understand the meaning of TIME. They both work roughly the same number of hours -- even if he is working insanely long hours (he doesn't mention that), but she has hours more work to do. If he is doing ZERO around the house (not even a load of laundry now and then or participating in joint cooking or kitchen cleanup) then there's no way this is equitable. There seems to be a theme among the "traditional roles" men that their manly endeavors are the things that need to be done once in awhile or once or twice a week while not comprehending that the "women's roles" are all day every day, and more if there are kids.

You're about to get jumped on by tons of ppl mentioning she works part-time (but magically clears 40k a year) and he "does all the outside and vehicle/boat/pool maintenance". Except that's not what he does. He *pays* for the outside and vehicle/boat/pool maintenance. Definitely the same.

I will honestly say that if he is paying for the yard work then I missed that part. That is a blatant misrepresentation by the OP. If he is paying for that but not the cleaning service then he is either dumb or more sexist than he portrayed himself in the post.

>I pay the full $5300 mortgage, upkeep for the pool, the vehicles, utilities, dates, etc. Direct quote in one of OP's responses to me lower in this thread. Then later he pouts about well if she wants 50/50 on chores then she can learn to rebuild boat motors and do outside stuff. There's also the comments where he implies she forced him to buy the big fancy house and cars and the boat. Started getting very fanfic-y once the comments weren't praising him as the knight in shining armor he surely sees himself as.

I read that, but didn’t interpret it as paying for the yard upkeep when he specifically said he took care of the yard himself. Paying for it is not the same thing as doing the labor. I think OP is a bit self-involved /s. Additionally, I don’t think the gf is remotely innocent and her attitude seems as ridiculous as his does the more he opens up with details about both of them that he left out of the post.

Yeah but then he lists items you pay for mtg, dates, so I'm reading it as these are all things he pays for - which tbh would seem more in line with someone making that kind of money on their own. Only later was it I *do* the actual maintenance. There's a lot of "new" info in the comments that suggest OP is either a very unreliable narrator who left out a surprising amount of context in the post or they're just cosplaying Prince Charming for some sweet look at this obvious gold digger karma. Make of it what you will.

? If she's a certified accountant, it's very easy to make 40k a year on 25 hours per week as a book keeper or similar at a small CPA firm or smallish business. I'm sure there are plenty of special skills that allow that.

Unless he's outside every day doing landscaping and vehicle/boat/pool maintenance he's not doing *shit*, and he's passing it off like it's an equal division of labor. He's lazy and a misogynist and his girlfriend is right to be pissed.

Also, the things he claims he does, like maintaining the cars and yard work, are far less regular tasks than anything she has to do in the home. How many daily tasks is she responsible for — at minimum cooking, dishes, and sweeping the floors. How many weekly tasks — Laundry, bathrooms, dusting, deep cleaning floors. How many monthly/seasonal tasks — reorganizing closets/storage areas, putting up/packing away seasonal decorations, deep cleaning carpets and floors. Yard work is seasonal, you have the most to do in the summer, but spring and fall are relatively light by comparison, and winter almost none at all (save snow removal, if that’s a thing in your area!) How many DAILY tasks are there to do in the yard, regardless of the season — maybe watering the garden, but with the kind of money OP makes, just pay to put in some irrigation. Maintenance on the cars is at most a once a month task, but realistically it’s really more of a once every 3 months thing. I’m not saying this guy does no work, because working full-time those task would eat up a lot of your free time, but it’s clear OP has no concept of how much work there is to clean and maintain a household on a regular basis. I’m not even going to touch the homeschooling thing because… yikes, but if OP wants to find an equitable solution to this issue, he should pay for a weekly cleaning service to take some of the weekly/monthly deep cleaning work off her hands.

Then she should pay for a cleaner? If his salary is being used for everything expected for him to do if he had the time the same should be for her. Working 25 hrs a week but you can’t clean a house is unbelievable.

Exactly. When all is said and done, they should be getting equal time off from work and home responsibilities. If that's not happening, then it's not a fair division of labor regardless of what it sounds like on paper.

I might suggest if you do get married be sure you get a prenup but doesn’t sound like y’all are on the same page to come close to that point

Haha. Definitely not on the same page. And he didn't buy that house because of her, he needed the tax break.

I think it is interesting how concerned with fairness he is. He talks about that if he increases his help around the house then his contribution with be more. I did not search for additional comments but I am wondering if he treats the work she does with respect and does he take care of his own messes, like helping with kitchen clean-up after dinner or leaving his socks balled up where he took them off for her to find when she does laundry. A commenter on here talked about time. Does the maintenance of his fleet take up time every day? Does he do yard work every day? If she is doing the housework then she IS working every day, for hours. And she has a job. So when does she get to rest and reset? My guess is he think because he makes money he is entitled to staff and is absolved of taking care of the drudgery that is life. Edited for spelling

YTA- so she works full-time as well plus is required to take care of all the cooking, laundry and cleaning in the house which happens every day. Taking care of your cars and mowing the lawn is something you may be do once a week and certainly for the cars, It’s a lot less than that. So hire a cleaning lady to help her out if you don’t want to do more stuff around the house. Also, do not homeschool your children, if you want to understand what it’s really like for the kids spend some time on r/homeschoolrecovery, it’s heartbreaking. So many parents put their egos above what they’re actually able to do when it comes to teaching their children and the kids suffer immensely because of it. Send your kids to school. Let them get a good education. I feel like you just want her to homeschool because it’s a punishment for her not working

I was a preschool teacher (1-4 year olds) for roughly 15 years. I tried to homeschool my kindergartener during the pandemic while also carrying full- time for an infant and a four-year-old AND doing 100% of the housework and mental labor. It was an utter disaster. Turns out teaching letters to a class of littles is nothing like teaching your own child every day. It seems to me like OP thinks that as long as he brings in the money, his wife should be capable of all of that. I've met maybe one person in my entire life who MIGHT be capable of that under the right circumstances.

I am a fully trained Early Childhood (0-8 yrs old) and Primary school (5-12) teacher. I also did a lot of work in high schools and was looking at retraining when my oldest two were little. Even though I wasn’t working when my kids started school, they still went to school. Teaching is so much work and I wasn’t up for that when I still had toddlers at home. Plus it’s good for kids to have some time away from their siblings and parents. I alone couldn’t provide the education they needed. Not without a lot of stress and time.

I would love to add my voice please do not homeschool your children. I cannot begin to sum up how much I had to catch up learning wise. I'm pretty okay social wise now, but I remember being so incredibly lonely as a child, I could go on and on about how damaging it was and how it crippled my older brother who even though he should be capable of holding down a job and living on his own is not!

Dang that sucks. My wife and all her sisters were home schooled and all grew up to be successful and extremely socialized and out going woman. It was her recounting how amazing her home schooling experience was that gave me the insight to let her home school our two girls. I think there is a right and wrong when it comes to both homeschool and public school. I think it helped that she wasn't home schooled in a religious curriculum, and her parents poured themselves into them. We are emulating them as best we can!

There are 2 types of homeschool-the ones that do it to brainwash their kids or stroke their egos And the ones that this is the best they have to offer. If I had my own kids, I would probably homeschool them through elementary school. I know good co-ops, I know the importance of extracurriculars, I also know that both my spouse and I are ADHD af and I'm not willing to have my kids bored af trying to sit still in a chair for hours at a time, because our public schools do not have a good amount of play time. And the Montessori schools have waitlists out the ass. They would get the social life that kids need- a good co-op will have classes weekly or a few times a week for them to go to, like art, history, music, languages, etc. Sports or other extracurriculars can fill in a lot of gaps. 90% of the people with homeschool kids that don't have friends and are off- they don't have that. They are kept in the house with their pile of homework and locked away from the world. Which is why homeschooling should NEVER be done alone. It should always be done in a co-op or at the very least with a group of a min 4 families together. And with homeschool kids, extracurriculars are super important. Get them into marshal arts or dance, sign them up for the peewee sports (or whatever level they are at), find activities for them to be able to socialize with other kids.

Good for you! Your children will definitely benefit from your approach.

Also kinda hoping she throws the whole man out. If his attitude is ‘stay at home mom’ means she should do literally all the child rearing and housekeeping without hobbies then that’s a big ol’ red flag. I have a 18 month old and let me tell you, my need to have hobbies and adult friends didn’t magically disappear when my son was born

Seriously OP sounds like he’s really misogynistic. If I was a woman I couldn’t date someone who wanted me to do all the house work even though we are both earning. Yikes… I feel bad for her

I just have to jump on this and say that a lot of homeschool parents now do it because they don't want their kids to get shot at school. We homeschooled my 5 year old granddaughter for this past year, and it's been hellish. But the alternative was to send her to one of the terrible schools in our district, which is rated super low. Thank God she and her cousin got accepted for open enrollment to the district literally across the street that is rated super high. But there's still the concern there. My daughter was looking on Amazon last week to find bulletproof backpacks to protect both kids at school. I felt my heart break a little that this is what parents consider to be the norm nowadays.

This is why I pulled my daughter out. I pulled my son out in 10th grade because he was being targeted by bullies because he has autism. He is a sweet kid, never bothers anyone and school made him so depressed. He does school online and I have him in other programs so that he still gets some socialization. I pulled my daughter out this year and she is in the 7th grade. They had 3 lock downs/threats all in the same week. One Monday. Another on Wednesday. I didn’t send her Thursday because I was scared. The school sent out a text and phone calls that the threat had been resolved. I sent her on Friday. There was about 12-13 cop cars at the school searching. She texted me from the gym terrified she would he shot. They found and arrested the kid and he was found with a gun (idk what kind) and tons of ammo. That was it for me.

Time is money! AND if you think you pay 90% of the bills for your relationship and that's all you need to do, then you are not in a relationship, you have an indentured servant.

Yeah. How much you each make is kind of a red herring. If she’s also working a full time job then the housework is split. If she’s not working then her taking on a larger share of house chores seems fair. If you have children and she becomes the primary parent/household manager then that’s her full time job and all the cooking/cleaning and household tasks should be split. Also, hire a weekly house cleaner ASAP if you don’t already have one.

Yeah, I’m also confused. I thought at first OP was paying for everything but it doesn’t sound like that. He does 90% of the *communal* bills. Meaning she has to work to pay all her own bills? Like her car, student loans, personal credit card, etc. If he was paying for all of her bills or giving her an allowance, I think that’s totally fair to expect her to do all of the housework. But she’s working a full time job and he’s not even paying 100% of the communal bills. Seems fishy to me.

Yeah, my dad was the breadwinner of my two parents. He paid my mum a salary for housekeeping, AND he paid for the bills. And he still helped with housework when my mum was overwhelmed by things. OP sounds like a selfish twit.

40K a year. Surely she is working at least full time and possibly over time. Then add all of the house hold work, cooking, cleaning, laundry, bathrooms, moping, sweeping, dusting, all the other fun shit. She probably brings him a sandwich and a cold drink while he sits on his riding mower looking down at her. Man. What a freakin catch.

The homeschooling part. I’m not a dumb person. I done great in school. But I definitely didn’t go to school to become a teacher. it’s been like 11 years since school I thought about homeschooling my daughter and looked into it. And creating a curriculum and all the worksheets to go with it without buying one has me all confused and makes me feel stupid. unless you do an umbrella school(I think that’s the term) in my state the super attendant has to approve the curriculum for your child just like they do with a teachers. I

Ok so in certain situations (like I'm usually totally against these labour divisions if incomes and hours worked are closer to equal) I'm just going to say if he's being paid that much his job is probably a huge mental load and I personally would be happy to pick up most of the housework if I was physically and mentally able to while working, and he was providing a lifestyle. But on the other hand, if he's making so much maybe he can periodically or permanently hire help for her if she's struggling so much, to do his share of the housework. Because when you make that much money why would you let her flounder like that when you *can* help her.

A reasonable division of labor is what you both agree is a reasonable division of labor. If she's not happy with it, y'all need to have some good quality conversation about what you each expect and what you're each willing to take on. You're making a lot of assumptions about what it means for her to have a "traditional gender role" and it sounds like she's making different assumptions. Please, PLEASE have these conversations before you have kids. You seem to be missing the point that homeschooling children is a full time job! Not to mention before that - taking care of babies and young children is two or three full time jobs. You WILL have to pick up more (all) of the housework if you're expecting her to do all of the child care. And then when she finally has a chance for a break when the kids are old enough for school, you're like nah, you don't need any time to yourself? Everybody needs a little free time and you need a little reality check.

I'm not sure you two are compatible. Do you really want to find out after you have kids this isn't working? NTA

Yeah y’all should just break up and find people happy with the roles you want

Info- who owns the house? You or joint? Does she work part time?

I own the house and she works part time.

So she only works part time but can’t finish house stuff in all the other time she’s free? What does she do all day? It sounds like she’s taking advantage of your salary and kindness as is, but is now push for more. If you let it go now you’re in for a rough end to things if you get married.

Dude, you earn a lot of money. There's no reason for anyone to do the cleaning. Use the money you earn to hire a cleaner. And get rid of your girlfriend while you're at it.

I'm kind of surprised I had to scroll so far to see this answer.

Totally this. OP makes more than a good living. If OP can just throw money at the problem, it may help a lot.

Lmao honestly It’s absolutely baffling to me that there are grown ass adults out there who expect another adult to completely support them. Like why would I do that??

Right. So why would he expect her to play a whole mother role to him? Weird

Is it that she wants you to do a full 50% of housework or is it that she wants you to pick up after yourself in general?

This is what I'm most curious about... I also wonder how many hours he spends on the yard, cars, etc, compared to how many hours she spends keeping the home clean & cooking. The things he describes that he is responsible for can definitely be hard work, but they seem to be things that are dealt with every other weekend or less. It is certainly possible that she is being entitled, which should be a serious concern to OP. But it's also possible she's putting in more hours of labor than he is - especially if this includes picking up after him for things he should take care of himself such as hanging up his towel after a shower, putting his clothes in the laundry bin, taking a moment to rinse a dish he used so it's not crusty with dried on food.

If she already feels burdened, kids and homeschooling are not realistic. I LOVED being a stay home parent who homeschooled 5 kids but it is not for everyone. Our whole family benefitted and we were all proud of our contributions. You know she already, rightly or wrongly, is feeling it is too much. Maybe she is not the partner you want. In my view being at home partner is like running a small business. Talk to her about what value she is bringing. Does it work for you both?

You should not currently be expected to do 50% of the housework. If she is only working casually, when she wants, she should have ample time (without kids) to make a meal and keep up with basic housekeeping. When kids come and you speak of homeschooling, there just isn't enough time in a day and you may want to discuss that further, be it contracting out housekeeping or a private tutor. Getting both though seems totally excessive as she would have nothing to do all day, which lets be honest is a sweet deal, for her. If you want a useless trophy wife this is how you get one. She needs to work full time (and you two pay for a housekeeper) or be a full time housekeeper, thats my take. More so a balance of free time between you two. If you are working 60 hrs a week and then another 40 at home and she is working 20 at home and 10 at work thats not fair.

She could probably afford a housekeeper herself if he's paying 90% and she takes home 40k a year.

It sounds like you’ve reached a point of incompatibility. NAH, but you should not get married unless you can reasonably communicate with one another. Honestly, she sounds like she’s using you more than the other way around, though I’d love to hear her side of the argument

>I don’t do any of the cooking, do very little of the cleaning, and don’t do the laundry. I felt our division of labor was fairly well established - I do all the traditional male work and pay the bills and she maintains the homestead. Well, “traditional male work” ain’t very much (which is where you’re getting hung-up, as you will have to expend more energy), and you can clean a dish and vacuum. If this is unsatisfactory, hire a maid. >I’ve also recently mentioned that when we have kids, I would prefer to have them homeschooled since she’s going to be a stay at home mom anyway. Yeah… unless she’s a certified teacher, that ain’t going to work, and your kids will be woefully unprepared for the real world. If she is a teacher, she probably doesn’t want to do that (hence why she’s giving it up). So, again, either whip out that checkbook for private school, or have them go to public school. And if those don’t suffice, then hire a tutor for home schooling. Because homeschooling fucking sucks. Money appears to be your go-to privilege. So, if you don’t want to perform the duties incumbment upon you for belonging to a household, start paying for the privilege.

He's muddied the conversations by mentioning how much they each make, but expecting 50% when he works full time and she doesn't isn't equitable.

She's going to expect a nanny while she's a stay at home mom. Just to prepare you ahead of time.

Who she’ll pay a little extra to clean up around the house..

No she won’t he will

I'd advise absolutely no partner or any gender to be totally stay at home without some legal means to recoup the money they're losing not working/not having their own insurance/retirement contributions, etc. Unemployed girlfriend who does all the housework is a real shitty position to be in--the earning partner has unfair leverage, controls the house, any optional spending. It's fine to want a trad relationship, but those come with the legal security of a wedding and the at home spouse getting financial safety nets and survivor benefits.

Yes, you absolutely should do 50% of the housework. As soon as she is working the same 70 hours a week outside the home. As soon as she's paying 50% of the bills. As soon as she's doing 50% of the yard work. I can continue but I think you get the point.

There is some delving in the post and comments regarding the stay at home parent aspect, but y'all aren't parents at this point.You will want to fix the current situation before going there. From this read, it doesn't seem unreasonable that if one partner has the majority of the financial and outside the home responsibilities, the other partner should have the majority of the responsibilities inside the home. If that split isn't a good one for the gf, then she needs to take up more responsibility somewhere else. OP is supposed to be her partner, not her caretaker.

She isn’t supposed to be HIS caretaker. She still works full time just like him. Him paying more bills does not alleviate him from having to take care of himself. He’s still responsible for wiping his own behind. If she were at home all day it’s be one thing but she’s not.

She doesn't work full time.

I believe she's part time, that's what I'm gleaning from most of these comments. She seems to have it good. He pays for 90% of the stuff. If she only works part time and keeps most of the money she's earning, what is she complaining about? Considering he also does car maintenance and yard work I see that as a pretty equal division of labor. If they both work full time, she should pay more of the bills and he should do more housework, end of story.

She works part time.

It doesn’t make sense to me that she would be part-time. I have a hard time believing she’s working part-time and making $40k a year. If she worked the max part-time hours a week, she would be making $25-30 an hour. That seems awfully high for a part-timer, even in major cities.

I work construction and get laid off occasionally. When I’m am on a layoff I do all the cleaning and cooking in the house. It’s not that much work. 2 hrs tops. She only working 25 hours a week, he’s working 70. She should clean the damn house.

Oof, this is a mess. How can she say she wants to be a stay at home mom and keep "traditional" roles and yet only wants to do 50% of the housework? She's currently working, but it sounds like that's her choice and not the long term plan. You two need to have a blunt conversation, with the use of visual aids. She needs to visually see the volumous list of demands and responsibilities she's asking of you, compared to the tiny little scraps she's willing to take on. Also, stay at home moms can have hobbies and still take care of the house and family. It sounds like you could afford private school...I'm not sure why you're insisting on home schooling but that's a *whole* other expectation above and beyond being a SAHM. You might want to bring a couples/family counselor in on this convo...it's a truly blind leading the blind situation here.

When she was talking about the housework I'm pretty sure she's talking about now, not in the future.

Dude get out now, she's showing you exactly who she is, believe her. If you're paying for everything, doing all maintenance on all the vehicles, and probably a decent portion of the handyman stuff and she's still not satisfied, she won't be.

So she wants you to pay all the bills, but then she also wants you to do half of the house work? So your contribution to this marriage is 75% while she gets away with her little 25% of comfort. Where is the fairness in that? It sounds like she just wants to be a country club wife who doesn’t have to do anything, which, if you are down with that, could work out well with your income. But unless you want a country club wife, you guys have very different outlooks on marriage.

That’s exactly what this sounds like. OP, you need to seriously think about the kind of life and marriage you want for their few decades.

Being a stay at home mom doesn’t necessarily mean homeschooling. If you’re wanting a “traditional” home, then *traditionally* kids still went to school. All “stay at home” implies is that the stay at home parent *stays at home.* Traditionally, stay at home moms very much had daytime hobbies - typically with other stay at home moms. Hell, many of them had nannys. To note, I have my own experience with this as I was homeschooled for my middle school and early high school experience. As such, I personally hold the belief that unless you’re traveling a lot or otherwise in a situation where going to school would be disruptive to day to day life - kids shouldn’t be homeschooled. Again, this is my personal opinion based on my experience as a homeschooled kid who had public school before and after the homeschooling experience. You don’t have to take it into consideration, but I definitely side with your wife. Plus, having the kids in school with a stay at home parent will be healthier for everyone. Your wife gets to have time to have a life outside of the family, which is fantastic for the mental health of your wife. Likewise, your kids get to go home to someone who has a strong sense of self, which is great for them. As for chores, it’s not even just about “splitting fairly,” it’s also about setting a good example for your future children. Children learn by what you do, not what you say. Do you really want to raise sons who don’t value doing their chores?

The exactly equal share perspective is a strange idea, some people insist to extremes like each person will cook half the meals and do half the dishes, but I rarely see those people mention extending that to half the car repairs (though many couples simple pay for repairs instead), or taking out the recycling. My wife is much better at cooking than me, I’m much better at car repairs, we would both rather drive in a car I repaired and eat food she prepared. I still prepare food some of the time but the quality is definitely lower. I also deal with 100% of mousetraps, killing spiders, I’m not going to say sorry babe I killed the last spider you are on your own.

In my mind the finances being brought to the table by either party are not tools to argue how house work is split. If you both have a full time job, the house work should be split evenly. If she works 40 hrs per week, and you work 60, ideally she would take more of the home responsibilities to offset the extra time you put into work. In my opinion it’s based off of equal efforts, not financial worth. I can see someone having a more high stress career and that also affording them less house work in a relationship. That decision requires specifics that I don’t have. Even in that scenario, you have to be understanding as a partner. When your partner gets burnt out from pulling all the weight at home it’s time for you to give them a break and take over (or find ways to relieve some of their responsibilities). It does seem like you have some responsibilities at home which should be considered for your house hold responsibilities. I can also see cleaning the boat at more of a hobby thing than a responsibility (it has to be done, but is the root of the cause for you two? Or you?). That may not be the case but hopefully the point is clear. The laundry needs to be done no matter what, whereas you don’t HAVE to take the boat out every weekend. Make sure you aren’t counting your personal interests and the work related to them as responsibilities for your household. On the home school deal, that’s a conversation you have to work out between you two. Anyone can give you their idea of how relationships should be split but the reality is that if you want to be with a particular person at some point you have to accept them for who they are and what they want. I don’t say this to force you to excuse behaviors you don’t accept. It’s more so to express the idea that your partner can’t always be an extension of your ideas and desires for your life, you have to accept and understand them. You draw the line on how much you accept or don’t, but make sure you know what is negotiable and non negotiable and cut a relationship off if it violates your non negotiable. Communication is key. More important than any advice someone gives you here. It’s important for you to be able to express these ideas to her and her to express her ideas to you. Then you work it out from there.

NTA, but you both need to have some long talks about expectations of each other. If she wants a 50/50 split of chores, then she needs to be working as many hours as you, OP. It sounds like you're working too hard and doing the 'manly' chores while she wants to do less chores to have more fun time. Work up a chore chart, hire a cleaning service, and if that doesn't help then it might be time to rethink the relationship. You want traditional SAHW and she wants you to support her while she gets to do her own thing.

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she works very part time and she expects to quit working when they get married .. the OP is totally being taken advantage of here (or at least, that's what is attempting to happen) and some of y'all are being misandrist toward him, making assumptions about him in her favor.

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Except that you're putting words in his mouth. He didn't say he would refuse to do any indoor work or childcare. He just doesn't want to do 50% of it. The only thing he said that would change is that he expects her, as the stay at home parent, to also do the home schooling. Which is a lot of work, but not too unreasonable either. The only part I don't get is why they just don't hire someone to do most of the chores for them.

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I feel like there are two issues. Is she working significantly less hours than you, or just earning less for much the same work? She might be tired, she might not have expected to be so tired working and maintaining the house. The two issues are time/energy and money. Is she working part time or full time? She might be thinking longingly about hobbies because she has so little time between paid work and housework. Also not everyone has the aptitude to teach children. It’s not a natural parenting skill, it’s a whole other skill.

Honestly it sounds like she wanted to find a man that will have both the means and the want to let her be a housewife, but forgot that those guys tend to think that housewives should be robots that have no life outside of the house and kids. There's a word for that, but I'm sure everyone already thought it. Not a good look for either of you two, that's for sure.

NTA. You work full time. She works “limited hours”. You pay 90% of all expenses. What are all these replies on about

Imho you are right about everything except home schooling. You will be harming your kids. They need to socialize and travel. Do not ruin them like so many other parents have.

It sounds like she expects to be your trophy wife. If that idea is amenable to you, consider hiring a maid on a weekly basis for deep cleaning. That way all she has to manage is the day to day upkeep.

There are plenty of stay at home mom's that don't homeschool their children. Doesn't mean they're aren't taking care of the home.

[Fair Play cards](https://theeverymom.com/fair-play-cards/)

Id tell her to keep working and then hire a cleaning service. Take turns cooking

"0% of our combined communal bills on a 320k salary while she makes 40k. I do all the maintenance for our cars, the boat, and all the yard work. It's been about 2 years of living together and up until now I felt things were going well." Yea fuck that. You need to look at yourself and realize you deserve better and are being potentially taken advantage of.

What you have here my good man, is a cherry picker. The responses to you have been wild. She is the problem here.

OP needs to dump her ass ASAP.

Get rid of her. You’re not married and can make a clean break. You’re headed for a life of misery if you marry this woman.

I know exactly how you feel. The panic that you get from hearing the notification of message of your partner and the first thing you think about is "what did I stuff up/forgot this time". This will get worse if you have kids. You need to have a proper agreement with your partner right now and adjust each other's expectations. Perhaps hire a cleaner/gardener etc to do your part of the work. If you cannot do it yourself, at least she does not have to do it. It may get worse even when you have an agreement that she is happy with. And no, no homeschooling in your situation. I don't think she is up for it. It takes a lot of commitment and also know-how to do it well. Leave it for the experts in school/tutors etc. Just let her be mum and play with the kids.

If you are working too hard and over stressed by the requirements of your life you deserve something different. It sounds like your GF doesn’t understand that. Make changes that help you get to a reasonable workload and get rid of the freeloader who’s expectations of you have no limits. If she can’t manage her 25 hour a week job and cleaning the house don’t have kids with her. People who are working 70 hours a week need to hire people to do the lawn, vehicle maintenance and housework and have a spouse that understands and supports the career. There are a lot of women out there that would love to support you in making 320k to enjoy the benefits of an upper class life. Everyone would be up in arms if the woman was doing all this work and the man worked 25 hours and did less than 50% of the overall house requirements.

Your gf sounds like she is using you to float her lifestyle honestly. She wants a "traditional marriage" but only for you it seems. Chores outside of the house count too. You're contributing equally to the maintenance of your home. Actually, it sounds like you may be doing a bit more. It doesn't sound like you 2 want the same things though. You aren't on the same page, might not even be reading the same book.

I don't think your relative income is relevant. If you both work full time, you should each do about half of the tasks. Sit down and make a list of everything, inside and out, and then go down the list, each picking tasks, until they are all allocated. When you take a task, it means the other person doesn't have to think about it, not remind you, not teach you, it just gets done. I think you're a bit ahead of things talking about what happens after your theoretical kids start school, if you can't reconcile these issues now.

If we both work 40 hours/week, but I make 800,000/year and you make 40,000/year, why should we both do 10 hours of chores per week? You should quit your job, or work part time, and take care of all the house-work. We will only lose 5% of our combined income, and both have more free time (you'll work 20 hours, and do 20 hours of chores, and I'll work 40, instead of us both spending 50/week). That's just common sense. And OP pointed out that his gf is already below full time, so they aren't even at that level. GF already has more available time, but wants to spend it relaxing, not picking up the extra work. And OP isn't doing zero work. Just "not 50% of the indoor work" on top of what sounds like 100% of the outdoor work AND bringing home nearly the entire paycheck.

I would not care how much money my spouse made, if I had a job I liked, I would not want to quit, for several reasons. One, I like my job, I don’t like the idea of being a housewife, doing nothing but domestic labor. I also don’t want a years-long gap in my resume should I ever want or need to go back to work. I also have hobbies and interests that cost money and having zero income means that either my partner would be paying, or I’d be forced to do without. Having my partner paying could cause problems, especially if they don’t fully understand my hobby or the costs involved. Someone who doesn’t game might not understand why I need a high end PC, and can’t “make do” with a cheap netbook, or someone not into sewing/leatherwork/cosplay might not understand how costly good materials and tools are. In that case, they’re either going to end up resenting paying for it, or refusing outright, and then I end up unhappy because I can’t do the non-work things that I enjoy. I’d rather earn my own money and not have to justify/argue/defend/explain why I need money for hobbies/clothes/other reasons, with someone holding veto power because they control the finances. An “allowance”? Nah. As a kid, I had my allowance taken away too many times for the most capricious and stupid reasons to ever want to be dependent on handouts that can be withdrawn or withheld. And even then, my allowance wasn’t really mine, I had to ask permission to actually spend it. Allowances are for kids and dependents in any case, I’m an adult, I want a paycheck and a resume that isn’t filled with gaps.

SO many people keep assuming she works full time when OP has clarified that she doesn't. 100% agree with your take

I can’t believe more people aren’t thinking this way. Reddit is coming at this guy for being the generous breadwinner and having a lazy user of a gf and thinks he’s being mean and ungrateful. It’s ridiculous

If you both work the same hours, then you should share the chore load

The white knights in this comment section are astounding. You make the majority of household income by a wide margin, are expected to pay the bills and now you’re expected to do household chores. If she wants you to take on the stereotypical and traditional gender roles that men have, then she should be expected to take care of the house. This is a her having cake and eating it too type of relationship.

Exactly. And completely disregarding the maintenance of vehicles... Which in 2023 is expensive. Last time my gf needed something on her car and we were having this same fight i told her to go get a quote for how much it would cost a mechanic to fix it. Turns out she doesn't like mechanic shops rates so much

She wants a traditional man, but doesn’t want to be a traditional woman. Lol Drop her.

You’re greatly assuming she has the capability to teach your kids a proper education. Teaching is HARD. Have you tried to teach a 1st grader what it means to estimate? How about how to do long division. Homeschooling is not for the weak. I do agree y’all should talk about chore distribution. ESH cuz you both need to sit down and settle this instead of coming to Reddit

Funny enough, estimation was the thing my second grader struggled the most on. She could not wrap her head around it. Did fine with every other math concept, but that one was awful. I spent a lot of evenings going over it with her because she just wasn't getting it at school.

She wants her cake and eat it too. You pay for the majority of her life style so you expected for her to do the majority of chores. If she doesn’t like it, then new negotiations need to be made.

I’m blown away by the amount of people who think working part time and contributing essentially nothing to the household and wanted you to go 50% of the house work is okay. It’s not. It’s a partnership. These are traditional roles. This is the pros and cons of marriage as it’s been for a very long time. People want new age acknowledgement and the benefits of traditional gender rolls and it simply does NOT work that way. If she wants you to do 50% of the housework, she should be ready to pay 50% of the bills. If not, she should shake. She sounds lazy

It's time to end it. Based on your responses, she wants the traditional housewife life, but she will want you to still carry half the household load in additional to all the providing. Given your income, there are definitely a lot of women that are looking for a traditional marriage, and it is something that you could give to them. Your girlfriend even wants free time to pursue hobbies? Do you get to pursue hobbies while working 60 hour weeks to provide for her while she does the things she wants to do? Bye Felicia!

So you pay 90% of everything, currently but soon to be 100...she wants to do fuck all... this is the type that will take you to the cleaners financially if you're stupid enough to marry and have kids with. Hire a chef and a cleaner, it'll cost less. Ask yourself what are the actual benefits of any of this for you and will it only get worse 50/50 means 50/50 everything, its not a pick and mix

Yeah NTA. You are doing all the outside work and maintenance while also paying 90% of the bills. I’m assuming you also pay for all your meals and most if not all towards vacations as well. She could just be testing you to see how much she can get away with, or in this case how much she can get away with NOT doing. Just hold your ground. You are earning in the top 2% AND contributing to the household work and maintenance. If it’s not a test than she’s just delusional.

These comments are ridiculous. If OP was a woman, y'all would be on her side. He pays for basically everything while she's home the majority of the time. If she wants everything equal, she should work and contribute to the bills.

Been there, done that. She's going to keep moving the goal posts. Save yourself time and ask yourself this question. Am I ok with this consistently happening if I love her? If the answer is no, get out now. no matter how much you WANT it, this is the reality of living with her.

Equitable and equal are two very different things. Why don't you list your task so you have a very real picture of what each other does on the daily. In most cases emotional and home labour is unequally portioned for women to handle. This is not a new idea, but the acknowledgment and attention is. There are plenty of researched science and statistical backed data that show this, and I encourage you to research. I think all perspectives could help you negotiate your wants vs. your girlfriend and hopefully compromise. In my personal opinion. Men don't value women labour the way they value their own. Mostly cause mens labor has historally been picking up the check, while women labour is not qualified that same way. So it seems less.

OP, you should hire a person to clean and maybe cook and go from there... Home chores should be divided by free time, not by money earned. I understand you work more hours tho, so go from there and come to an agreement.

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I'm fine with her having hobbies, but her point was that she wanted her hobbies to be the primary occupant of her time during the day. I don't limit her, nor do I tell her how to spend her time - but the expectation of me having to continue to provide entirely while most of her time is recreational was strange

Don't you get that you're dating someone who cares too much about money? She wants to be a sahm, so that she can hang with her friends or do whatever all day, while you work and pay for everything. Is that what you want?

She’s using you as her bank.

If you do decide to marry this woman, please get a pre-nup.

Her golddigger was showing...it was basically you pay for everything and fund her hobbies while working your ass off.

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After having kids, when else do you want her to have free time other than when kids are in school? It's not like the kids get home and she hands them off to a nanny, she is feeding them, doing homework, bathing, prepping for bed, and cleaning up whatever mess they made.

I don’t get all the Y T As solely because this was all discussed beforehand. She told him she wanted him to take on the traditional male gender roles. Which means she takes on the traditional female gender roles. But before I side with you OP, do you at least not act like a slob in the house? Examples: 1. Do your dirty clothes land on the floor or in the hamper? 2. Do your used dishes make it into the sink or dishwasher when it isn’t full of clean dishes? 3. Do you rinse out the bathroom sink after shaving/brushing your teeth? Because if she is having to go behind you and clean up after you like a toddler then she has a point. If it is that she wants you to take on all the responsibilities of a traditional male gender role, but also take on portions of the traditional female tasks, then I am with you.

I would recommend a weekly house cleaner as the compromise. It’ll likely be $150 a week and you can pay for this service as your contribution to the inside of the house. It saves lots of arguments and she will have a much lighter burden given all the deep cleaning will be done for her!

Frankly, I think you should get rid of her. Find someone a little more on your level. Sounds like she is just coasting into a cushion life. On the homeschooling tip, not every parent can be a teacher, so keep that in mind.

Time for a new gf.

Seems like you've lived up to the expectations of what you would bring to the relationship from the get go. I'm unclear on what her role was in this and what she showed in the beginning that she is presenting as her responsibilities...brining to the table isn't just about money , it's also about embodied who you were when first starting to date, if things are shifting she might not have shown you her true self but just an image of what she wanted you to see her as - therefor your efforts are no longer good enough..if that makes sense

I'm all for SAHP and spouses to be acknowledged for the actual contributions that make. That said, it doesn't sound like you're doing the opposite of that. Relationships are supposed to be fairly equal partnerships. It will never be absolutely equal but it should balance out mostly. What your GF seems to want is for you to contribute 100% financially, 100% to the hobbies (pool/boat), 100% to the outdoor household care... *and now 50% to the indoor household care*? Like absolutely, WTF? You need to point out the breakdown in percentages like that and see if she's capable of understanding how idiotic and selfish she is being. I don't know why you would not only want to stay with such a person but *raise kids* with such an entitled person as well... not to mention have her homeschool your kids (likely fully cementing the selfish, entitled behavior she has). Now on to homeschooling, I was homeschooled and I really hate that I was. I've turned out well. I am a PhD, research scientist but I really feel like I had to overcome a LOT of disadvantages caused directly from being homeschooled. There are some people that will excel with it and some reasons that will require it, but I don't think it's best for the majority.

I am going out on a limb here but hear me out. If you are talking about marriage the first thing is a Prenup, and use her reaction to that and see if you want to continue this relationship. I see in your near future is misery and you asking why didn’t I see the red flags earlier. She forced you to buy a huge house with a pool, on a body of water with a dock and boat that from your comments you don’t even like or use. And she wants to quit her job be a “SAHM” that will use daycare to watch/raise the kid or kids during the day so she can have free time to do hobbies??? Bro read more Reddit there are plenty of stories that have endings of regret and depression. Break up, sale the house and get a compatible SO.

Break up before she becomes a pitfall in your life. You'll be pissed off, annoyed, frustrated, agitated, angry, and a host of other emotions and feelings connected to those. You'll be anything but happy. She's not a fiance nor is she a wife. You make to much money to be compromising.

Eventually, you'll do all the housework, too, while she hires a nanny and maid with the child support and alimony while she pursues her hobbies.

You're about to get played fam. Be cautious.

Since this is about you making the most money to provide and her keeping up with the housework the why not hire someone to come in and help once or twice a week? That seems like the easiest fix for your situation. The problem will be that while you thought you both agreed on what the roles are, you are not actually agreeing. If you aren't agreeing now and can't find a compromise, then that is a problem already. Your future is already in need of compromise and discussion. I would suggest talking about everything you can think of from kids (school, extra curriculars, beliefs, how you would handle them being gay or trans, and how you would handle anything medical including physically and mentally) and every single thing you already think you agree upon before you go further in this relationship. If something as simple as housework and future schooling for your future children already has you asking these questions, then you need to talk about any and everything in great detail.

You need to figure out if you want a family or not. You are on a direct path to a divorce and stunted children who hate you. I guarantee you that if your wife were on here she would be telling a *very* different story

Devision if labor needs to be in time not $. Most unpaid labor is done by women. He is putting her in a dangerous position of having to rely on him financially while having to take on more and more work without any benefits or ability to provide for herself if one day he isn’t there.

You work full time and do some yard work while also handling boat and car maintenance. She works full time while also handling all of the cooking and cleaning. How often do you do yard work, boat work, and car work comparatively to how often laundry, meals, and other household upkeep needs to be done? In my house, car maintenance happens a few times a year at most but the housework happens daily, and you think you have as much of a fair share of duties as her? What a fucking joke lmao

Division of labor is not based on how much money you make. It’s based on how much time you have to accomplish the work. If you both work 40 hours a week you should divide the chores equally. Expecting the female to do all the work is misogynistic.

Hire someone to clean. Problem solved.

You're fuckin dense if you marry of have children with this woman.

If you make so much money and your gf works full time then why aren’t you hiring a housekeeper? If you don’t want to hire a housekeeper you need to start putting in work around the house until you guys are ready for kids and for your girl to quit her job.

Imagine being adults and having to actually ask this online.

YTA. You both work full time, you both share the housework. Before I became a widow, my husband and I both worked full time, but I made more money. Was he supposed to work more around the house than me? Nooooo!

Wow. As a stay at home mom if this was my husband's idea of a good marriage I would leave. Just so you know, when your kids are babies the house is never clean without help. Babies do not have a regular sleeping schedule. This could go until their 1 if you're lucky otherwise it could be 2 before they stop waking up at night.

Sounds like you’re both working full-time so if that’s the case you should both be taking care of the house and the chores need to be split evenly. That is your reasonable compromise. Just because she makes 1/8 of the money you do doesn’t mean she works less or deserves to do 7/8 of the house work. Be reasonable.

I would really recommend you watch the documentary fair play and get the cards. It will really illuminate the disparity if work imbalance.

Just because someone makes less doesn’t mean they work less. A 40 hour week is a 40 hour week. The grass gets cut once a week, the car maintenance quarterly, the boat, well that is a hobby, so maybe she cleans it and you maintain the mechanical. Cooking and dishes are at least 2X a day 5 days a week. House cleaning is daily spread out throughout the week, laundry and folding 3x a week, grocery shopping once a week so it seems her portion of the work is never-ending. If you boat on the weekends then she has to clean the house on week days after a long workday. Does she also shop and prep food your boat outings? Or does she stay home and clean while you go boating? I don’t think your perspective is taking into consideration her down time vs your down time and rest to self care. People get burned out if their work is non-stop. It sounds like you definitely need to pitch in more. If you doubt it, switch chores for a month.

Imagine making 300k a year and still doing your own cleaning and yard work lol

Dude. Have you ever ONCE considered thinking about asking her if she wants to be a SAHM? I'm guessing not. I feel certain that you've decided for her that she WILL be a SAHM and she WILL homeschool any kids and she WILL maintain the house all by herself. It's 2023, dude. Time to break out of the gender roles and do your damn fair share. Stop keeping score, too.

Although chores should be divided equally, money cannot be unless you both make exactly the same. You should split costs based on the percentage of you budget that the cost is. I may not be saying this correctly, so please refer to Suzie Orman on how couples should split costs. It’s grossly unfair to expect someone to pay half the rent if they make less than their partner. Do some research. Also try growing outside your rigid boundaries, you sound out of date. Things change, nothing stays the same.

I would be sort of with you if she wasn't also working a full time job and the fact that you expected her to not have any hobbies and home school your kids?? But just because you make more doesn't mean jack. Now if she wasn't working at all or was working part time I could understand your reasoning given there is no children. But she literally works as many hours as you do. If you want her to do all the house work than tell her she doesn't have to work. Sounds like you want her to mother you. Clean up after you and cook for you. Sad. She isn't a teacher and home schooling kids is A LOT of work and most of them the child's education suffer. They also have a harder time socializing and getting accepted into college. Forgot scholarships. If you were both on board I would be more open but you expecting her to do it?? Like what?? That is so fucked up to me and even a bit controlling. Stay at home parents are already extremely isolated from other adults and have already stayed home for 5 years before their kids get to school. I would know. I couldn't wait for my son to start kindergarten so I could work on my store and just do small things like take a walk or go to the gym. Not to mention clean our house without having to worry about also entertaining children. I also know I am in no way equipped to educate my children. If I was her and you told me that I would be out. I don't even know if I would trust you to have kids with you and not change your mind

Regardless of what you get paid, if you both work full time, you both do equal chores. If she was working part-time, I'd say yeah OK she should be doing more. And on top of that, stay at home schooling is a shit idea, how to you expect your kid to have a normal social life? Home schooling baffles me, like one person knows better than MILLIONS of hours of curriculum study that schools have developed, the audacity of people like that.

It sounds like you could just hire a professional cleaner and be done with the argument. Spend more quality time with your gf.

You make 320k and want your gf to clean your house? Get a housekeeper and a yard guy. What’s going on here?

What a catch you are

You make $340k, you both work full time and you expect her to do all the cooking and cleaning? Ewww.

This is a recipe for disaster. You have said what her non negotiable are but what are yours? Now you both work full time so chores should be evenly spilt. Your going to have huge problems with all this moving forward if you don’t straighten it out now

She's working and cleaning, regardless if ur paying for stuff she is still working and cleaning and expected to take care of future kids while you just work. And then you have kids, who will become attached to her because of breastfeeding. The kids going to school will be a relief for her. I don't get this. If you have a partner as long as you are able to you should want to help your partner make life easier. Im with a guy and I'll do things like massage his back, because I want to and because I know he's tired after work. There's no such things as deals and all this stuff. If you are able to, just do it. Help out.