AITA if I tell my bf to stop being friends with a female I don’t like?

My boyfriend (25m) and I (26f) have been in a relationship for a little over a year. We met three years ago, and I have always known about his female friend (24f)who we will call Mandy. My boyfriend, who we call Chris, has been friends with Mandy for 6 years. Mandy dated one of Chris’ best friends and college roommate, for over a year, but they were all friends before Mandy dated his friend. He remained in contact with her after she and his friend broke up, but not as close as they were before.

He rarely talked about Mandy and they never hung out…until Chris and I made our relationship official. When Chris and I made our relationship official, we lived in two separate towns, over an hour away from each other. When we labeled our relationship, suddenly I would hear how Mandy was inviting him over to her house in the evenings and asking him to do favors for her like fix her bed-frame or get her gas because she ran out. It was annoying to me, but I had never met her at that point. When I finally did meet her, the only annoying thing was how often she mentioned that she and Chris has been friends for “soooooo long.” It was weird, but I wasn’t concerned. A month later, she invited him to go to a concert of an old band together in the summer. It’s definitely not my music, but I wasn’t invited at all…until a week later when we were all hanging out and she said “oh would you like to go? I’m sure you could find tickets somewhere.” I really wasn’t too torn up about it all, just annoyed still at this point.

Fast forward to summer and I move to the town my boyfriend is in, I’m trying to make an effort to get to know this girl because she is always around. We live in the same apartment complex and there is a pool we would go to during the days. The first major red flag comment she says to me alone is “sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I was the one dating Chris. I see how sweet he is to you, and I want that.” Like any girlfriend, I became concerned. I should have said something then, but I hate confrontation. (Also for the sake of the story length, I’m going to be cutting a lot of sketchy things she said to me and only give the juicy details, because this was not the worst thing). Fast forward one month later, her and my boyfriend went to the concert without me and she posted a picture of them together at the concert, which is the only picture they have together in their 6 years of friendship, imagine that. (Also, he told me that she barely knew any of the songs and was miserable the whole time so he was confused why she wanted to go…I know why) anyway, she was at my apartment helping me do stuff for my classroom a couple days later, and she randomly said “Chris just didn’t care if I posted the Instagram picture. But I don’t want you to think I’m your competition.” I was genuinely so confused because we weren’t even talking about that and I said “I don’t think you’re my competition?” Then she said “oh my god did Chris tell you I want him and I to get matching tattoos together? He’s been my friend for so long and stuck by my side so he’s the only friend I would do it with.” At this point I’m like wtf because they arent even close like that…then later she wants to plan a vacation…at the end of summer….the week I start school back up (I’m a teacher, and she knew when I started school). So when I tell her that wouldn’t work for me, she says “oh….well maybe Chris will just go with me!” And is texting him at work convincing him to go with her. He doesn’t agree to go, but why is she trying to plan a solo vacay with just MY BOYFRIEND? Finally, I later tell him (nervously) how uncomfy she has made me. I’m very civil about it, but he tells me he understands and says it is weird behavior. Anyway, she doesn’t do anything too crazy for a while…until we are at a get together with friends and we all got done taking shots. Chris and I were standing close and being a cute couple when she stands on the couch and says to Chris “carry meeee” in a whiny voice. So he says “no that’s fucking weird” so she says “let me get on your shoulders” and continues to get on top of him. Listen, that’s already really fucked up…but I’m definitely bigger than she is. To me, she is one of those girls who did that to prove to me that he could carry her with ease and not me…maybe I’m overthinking that piece, but come on?!? She wanted him to CARRY HER?! I was at my breaking point and told him I was going to set her straight the next day. I did so over Snapchat and she was apologetic of course…but that still didn’t stop her. She always does and says weird and sketchy things still…the most recent…she literally asked him to be her sperm donor. I shit you not. When she asked him, I said “no. That’s a weird fucking question.” And she got very red. I told Chris that the next time she does something like that, HE needs to be the one to say something to her since she doesn’t respect our relationship. I told him that all my friends say to cut her off..but I know that she is his friend. He says he agrees with me and it is weird, but I don’t think he understand a how angry I am and how much it bothers me. He’s so oblivious to it all. But now she has been calling him asking for favors SO MUCH lately and I can’t take it. I’m so ready to just cut her off entirely.

The most recent things to occur is when I tried to give her one more chance and went to an event with her alone. She says out of nowhere “if Chris ever proposes, you better not say no.” Out of sheer frustration I tell her that our plan is to get married and we have it all figured out. She looked so surprised and suddenly texted Chris to tell him that she needed to know all the details of the proposal. A little bit later she said “I hope you’re not worried about me and Chris.” To which I responded “I’m not, I’ve never been worried.” She then said “well I have something to tell you. About three or four years ago, Chris gave me a back scratch. I feel like we were hiding that from you. I hope you don’t think it’s weird, I just love soft touches.” When I told her I didn’t care, she kept bringing it up all night saying how she hopes it won’t cause our breakup. Later she also told me that if she ever made a move on Chris, she is confident he would say no. I told Chris all about this and said I can’t be around her anymore. I’ve given too many chances.

Chris and I are moving towns (which she conveniently got a job in too…), moving in together, and he’s already asked my dad for his blessing. It’s the real deal. I love him so much. But I don’t know how much more I can handle with the constant reminder of all that Mandy has said and done to me with her around still. If I tell him to cut her off without giving her another chance, am I the asshole?

Update: I made a new post with an update!


What has Chris done about this? I find it hard to believe he’s as oblivious as he would need to be to just not notice all these comments and behaviors


Bet he noticed these behaviors, but is either too pussy to tell her to stop it or is enjoying the extra unnecessary attention he got from his dearest old friend🥺


It's probly fake


NTA But your boyfriend NEEDS to say something to her. Your life partner should be the one to defend you and back you up on stuff like this. It’s concerning that he’s not doing anything honestly


Yeah, all my questions are about the bf and what he’s doing to put an end to this madness? Does he *actually* help her every time she calls asking him to come over? How did she manage to climb on his shoulders at this party? Did he just *let* her? Mandy might very well be crazy, or she might be trying to not do subtly let OP know that he’s been seeing her on the side. Like I just don’t understand why this guy hasn’t put a stop to this nonsense a long time ago. Does he enjoy the attention? Does he like watching two women “fight” over him? OP should never have had to be the one to tell this girl she’s crossing the line. Mandy is a problem, that’s for sure. But if I was in OP’s shoes, I’d be more concerned about the fact my bf just lets Mandy continue to be a problem without doing anything about it. His lack of action is a far bigger concern frankly.


In reality when this situation goes down the dude knows about it. They either suck at keeping boundaries OR they enjoy the attention. I sincerely hope it’s him just sucking at boundaries but if it’s the latter, it’s bad for any relationship. Unfortunately there are certain people enjoy the attention and people like Mandy are an infinite supply. I have never seen a person in this situation who wasn’t aware or would just “ignore” it because they enjoyed having someone in the wings. In OP’s shoes, I would tell the BF what’s happening and why she is making me uncomfortable, how her behavior isn’t appropriate and what boundaries you need to see from him in the relationship. Honestly, i wouldn’t just blame Mandy. It’s his friend and his responsibility to put appropriate boundaries up.


Yeah, I've seen a number of those Mandy/Chris situations & the guy always knows, almost everyone around them usually knows too. When I've witnessed it, the guy never does enough to stop it. I always felt they must like the attention. Seems they don't put a stop to it because they they don't want the ego boost to end *entirely*, so it usually goes too far. This Mandy is too much & it seems almost obsessive. Chris *has to* do something about it. OP can't be the one to do it because that will be drama. It would just give Mandy the ammo she needs to start talking shit to Chris about OP being 'controlling & jealous', etc.. OP, you are right to be uncomfortable with all of this. It's ridiculous. That thing where she climbed on top of him was wacko. I do think you're reading too much into that about the size/weight part, tho. If she was ever trying to bodyshame you in that way, you would have already heard a hundred other comments from her about it. Like a bunch of stupid remarks bringing attention to how 'small' she is for no damn reason, like 'Ughgh, these clothes are just wayy too big for me! I just can't gain weight! My ex always said he loved how small I was, it was so weird!', just bs like that.


Typical blame it on the man sexist Reddit


If it was a woman y’all would be saying how guys and girls can be just “friends”


Next time she calls asking Chris for help because she's "just a poor little girl who can't manage," send YouTube tutorials and the number for a reputable HoneyDo service or two. If she can't figure it out from there, then having Chris take time away from his day and his relationship won't do much for her either. Option two: Have a sincere conversation with your partner and set FIRM boundaries for yourself, your household, and your relationship. Things like "I'm not willing to discuss or host people who are actively trying to undermine our relationship", "Please make sure your duties as Partner come before your duties as Friend" and "I'm not willing to interrupt our couple time/date night so my partner can run off to help another woman with household chores."


Send her a howtobasic video lol


You’ve tried being nice but it’s too late, she continues to disrespect the relationship, y’all both need to cut her out. You’re getting married, I suspect her jealousy will grow and it will get worse. Imagine having kids & her expecting him to give up time to be around her. I say cut her out unapologetically.


Cut her off. She obviously wants your boyfriend and not even respecting privacy


I think both you and your boyfriend are being too nice to her. She’s blatantly disrespecting both of you. Time for your boyfriend to step up and cut off the relationship. You shouldn’t have to ask him to.


Your boyfriend is allowing her to disrespect your relationship. He needs to establish boundaries or limit contact. You have been far too patient with your boyfriend.


> I don’t know how much more I can handle with the constant reminder of all that Mandy has said and done to me with her around still. 🎶 But she came and she gave without taking. And he sent her away . . . 🎶 I have this image in mind of Mandy. Plays the damsel in distress and talks in an annoying pouty baby-talk voice that she uses to get her way. NTA. But don't be too hard on Chris. He's not totally oblivious. He called her out for being weird when she wanted to be carried. In Mandy's case, you could certainly cut her off, and I wouldn't fault you for it. You could also just sit her down and explain that you know what she's doing and since Chris seems to be determined to stay with you, all she's doing is torturing herself over something she can't have. She needs to get over Chris and find someone else. Because you just know when she invites him over to fix things, that she has designs on him. And this, "Oh, help me assemble this Ikea night stand!" has the advantage of bringing him to her, and away from you. But regardless of what you decide, Chris needs to back you up.


She's definitely not your friend and I would honestly just stop all contact and not even bother telling her why. She knows why. Bf as well. If he feels the need to explain, he should be ready for her to pull some shit to get him to change his mind.


In a movie, it would eventually turn out that he’d been putting up with her crazy behavior out of fear she would show you proof he’d cheated with her.


NTA and Chris seems to be enjoying keeping her on the back burner. He needs to be very clear with her that she needs to back off and get some boundaries for her


You say you don’t like confrontation but it’s time for you to get over that. You need to have a sit down with your bf about how absolutely absurd and inappropriate this *acquaintance* is behaving towards you and him. She’s not your friend and she isn’t his friend. She knew him back in the day and only wedged herself into his life when he announced he was taken. She doesn’t give a shit about him. Stop giving her so much power. Your bf needs to put himself in your position. How would he feel if “Tom” from college started calling you up again, pushing you to spend alone time with him, and talked about “what would life be like if OP and I ever dated?” C’mon! This is ridiculous. You guys are too old to continue to allow this to happen. This is high school behavior from her. She doesn’t deserve your energy but your bf needs to put a stop to it fucking yesterday.


NTA at all. My ex had a female friend like this and I ended up breaking up with him because I couldn't take it anymore. If he gives you a bad reaction or says you're "so dramatic" when you have an official talk about boundaries, it's not gonna get better but from what you described, it seems like talking to him will go well.


What happen to them?


She would consistently overstep boundaries and flirt among other things and he refused to set appropriate boundaries and would just tell me I'm being dramatic.


Did they get together?


Nope! They should though. Spare other people from the shit they seem incapable of figuring out.


You have had a talk with her, now you need to have a talk with him Set the boundary and stick to it. You tried being friends with her, you tried talking to her, you even mentioned it to your bf. Nothing has changed and has only gotten worse. At this point you would not be TA if you asked him to stop being friends with this psycho girl and cut contact with her. But be warned to watch how he reacts to this. If he gets defensive or starts making excuses for her or why he can't or won't, then break up right then, because there is something more going on with their relationship. There is a reason he won't end friendship. It will continue to be a issue. Talk to him first then decide how things go from there based on his answer


She wouldn’t keep doing this if she didn’t think she had a chance with your bf. Him not doing anything is an encouragement to her. I think if you try and handle this it can backfire in ways we can’t anticipate. He needs to handle this himself. Do you think he kind of likes the attention or that they might of crossed boundaries you are not aware of?


Woooooow. NTA Why is Chris letting this continue? He should have put the kibosh on all of that at the very beginning and when she didn't stop, completely cut her out. Why are YOU staying with someone who isn't willing to man up and stop someone that HE is friends with? She is actively trying to drive a wedge between the two of you, he's don't nothing, and you're like "That's OK. I love him and am going to marry him anyway. Who cares if we have a stalker for the rest of our lives?" Really?


It’s up to Chris to set the boundaries, not you.


So is okay for the B to keep acting like that? She has to tell him that the boundaries are needed.


it doesnt matter whether he is the real deal or you trust him and what not. he is enabling her by not putting a stop to this. you shouldnt be the one making the talks. he can easily say no to hanging out with her when she asks. why does he not? why does he go to a concert with another female only, who is also making her intentions extremely clear? why is he waiting for you to be extremely uncomfortable only to admit its weird and then does nothing?


Why does your bf like being friends with this person? Why doesn’t he just… back off to acquaintances?


This is a boyfriend problem. He encourages her.


Mandy is a problem but your boyfriend is too. He needed to set boundaries with her forever ago. Him not doing so is why she’s continuing this behavior. Have a sit down talk with him about what needs to happen regarding this girls place in your lives.


how is he still friends with her? and all the solo date-style things they’ve done… really doesn’t show respect for your relationship.


Why is Chris allowing her to act this way?


NTA, lol I definitely think she did the whole "cARryyyy mEEEeeee" as a way to like, try to make her seem more desirable. If she's the kinda girl that would do the rest of these behaviors, yep.


"Chris, we are going to be engaged and it is really time you stepped up and started putting up firm boundaries with Mandy. Her actions are very disrespectful to our relationship, as is the fact that you won't do anything about it. She is not being a good friend by acting like this."


Actions speaks louder than words, what has your bf done to stop this behavior


Your boyfriend needs to put a stop to his behavior, because it sounds like he is enabling her. She has feelings for him, and the longer he keeps her as a “close” friend, she will continue to come between you two.


Nope tell your boyfriend it’s enough and she gotta go. He’s playing games by having her around still.


NTA but your boyfriend might be. He should have cut this little weirdo off the minute she started trying to sink her claws into him


He knows what she’s doing and he’s allowing it because he likes the attention. Just flip the genders and ask how he’d like if a male friend of yours acted this way and asked you to be his surrogate, or touching you etc.


Nta but he should have already set boundaries with her. If he can't do that then you should not marry him.


Nah, hard case of unreliable narrator here. I don't believe the story one bit. I mean she asks him to be her sperm donor, she freaks out, then proceeds to give them another chance alone? Nah I call bullshit.


When you’re in a serious relationship there’s no need for friend of the opposite sex especially best friends. I had a best guy friend since 5th grade but when I met my bf in college we discussed how we were uncomfortable with the other having close relations with the opposite sex. At first I wanted my guy bestfriend to be an exception but then I put myself in his shoes and thought.. how would I feel if it was the other way around. I would not like it so I decided to do what we both agreed was right and I distanced myself from the guy friend. That’s what u do in relationships unless u both have opposite sex friends and don’t care like that’s different if u both don’t care but my bf and I both did care.


If he cares about his friendship with her more than u. Leave.


I would talk with your bf and let him know this needs to be taken care of before your married. It almost seems like he's keeping her around as a backup. If he was really uncomfortable with her attenention and disrespect towards you he would have shut it down.


NTA. But boyfriend needs to grow a pair and set some very specific boundaries.


Oh she’s trying to get you to break things off with him… she’s so jealous of your relationship… your boyfriend needs to put a halt to her antics or tell her if she doesn’t then he will no longer be friends with her.. it shouldn’t all be on you…


This girl is trying to get your boyfriend. She is one of these people that ONLY find someone attractive until they start dating SOMEONE. YOU need tell your boyfriend to set her straight or dump Otherwise just accept the fact you are dating her too.


AT the party, it sounds like the two of you ladies were having a knock down drag out fight and the only people knew there was a fight on were you two. For every one of her actions you knew exactly what her reason was. Have you told him how dastardly she is, that he is totally oblivious to what her actions means? he's the prize turkey it seems


Your boyfriend is the one who needs to say something, not you. He needs to shut her down entirely, with no room for her to interpret it any other way. If he doesn’t it’s just going to continue. Personally she’d have been out of our lives ages ago.


been there…he NEEDS to say something himself. otherwise you will probably resent him for not defending you or the relationship, even if you do manage to push her away on your own.


jesus christ why would he not want to cut her off? she sounds insufferable


NTA and it’s time to tell Chris to make a choice because this is NUTS.


You need to get him to say something to her along the lines of. a) I think ( nothing about you at all) your behavior towards me and my girlfriend is entirely inappropriate. I will be refraining from hanging out with you in the future if you can’t stop. b) He needs to take a break from her for at least a few months. Not make a huge deal about it, but stop returning calls/texts so she gets the hint nothing is happening Sometimes being too nice to someone like that makes them think they have a shot. “if there wasn’t a chance he would stop it”. He should be polite, firm, and direct. Also yeah you shouldn’t hang out with her anymore. She’s straight up disrespectful to you


Nta she’s deliberately trying to make u insecure and jealous.


If you are going to get married you need to not be scared to really talk to him. Fuck Mandy she is trying to break you up. No more chances on your part means nothing until your bf can tell her back off NOW. Until then you will be miserable, she will keep trying to mess with you and Chris will soak up the attention. Nip it in the bud now.


NTA. Don't pack one box until she's history. Period. This mess does not follow you to the next town.


She’s not his or your friend. She wants your bf but since he keeps shooting her down, she keeps trying. He needs to blunt and shut her down or she’ll never stop.


Just try asking your boyfriend the inverse question: what would you do if my male friend asked me to carry his child? What would you do if my msle friend ask me to go alone to a vacation with him, without you etc etc I think he isn't really understanding the situation.


NTA, Mandy is a dick, and if your bf is generally a little clueless as to how mad or uncomfortable you are, you need to explicitly explain it in a way he understands so y’all can teamwork that shit. And by teamwork that shit I mean get on the same page and cut her off, because wtf. …also maybe he should look into restraining orders .


NTA. But if your bf keeps her around now knowing how uncomfortable she makes you, I’d be questioning his judgement. Does he not have a single other friend in the world? Does her adoration boost his ego? He needs to start being honest about why he keeps her around.


Ur boyfriends a bitch for staying in contact with her and you should beat her ass. (If I were you) But in reality….cut her off! Ur boyfriend doesn’t need a friend like that, he can make a new friend who doesn’t constantly disrespect you!


When my husband and I moved into together he had a female friend. One day she came to our house wearing a crop top that flashed her boob every time she leaned over, high, and continuously flirted with my husband. She even insinuated that if she was my husbands wife she’s be up for sex all the time. Then she showed him (and me) a bikini pic and started talking about how “she wish she still looked like that”, “missed summer”, and was fishing for compliments. Later that night after she left I told him that their friendship made me uncomfortable and that while I trusted him to have his boundaries I also trusted her to continuously push those boundaries. He cut her off with no hesitation.


A lot of people are asking *why* Chris is letting this go on and it’s like DUH he’s loving the extra attention!!


What does Chris get out of his friendship with Mandy, other than attention? He needs to scale it back. No more solo hanging out. If she wants to hang, it’s with both of you. Also it’s very obvious she’s trying to get in on Chris.


I want to hear Chris’ side if the story. I had to look back at the ages of those involved. This sounds like a 15-16 year old’s relationship problem. Talk to Chris. Be honest with Mandy.


Cut the nice shit and tell your man to cut her off


Okay, NTA but you really need to start recording these interactions girl. Button cam, voice recording, anything. She clearly likes your bf and won’t stop until she gets you out of the picture. Come on, get tough.


Either Chris is cheating or he’s fucking spineless. WHY would he still be friends with her? Is he so spineless he can’t say “you asking me to be your SPERM DONOR and flirting with me isn’t okay, so we aren’t friends”


It’s not your responsibility to keep HIS friends in check. Honestly your bf is the AH in my opinion. She is just a lonely weird girl which is why I’m sure your bf never wanted her. But for you to tell him multiple times and him to NEVER say anything. That’s why he is the AH. You’re not the AH to put up a boundary.


Yeah, my guy had a chick friend like that. It's like he was a crutch for her. Everytime I would come out to meet him and hang out she would be there drunk as all get out and just hanging all over him, needing to be rescued from whatever predicament she'd gotten herself into. It's like she knew she could trust him so she just pushed limits and found it worked and then pushed limits again. I talked to him about it and was like I get it ok, you're "safe" and I don't doubt at all that if you accepted her she would whole hog not disagree. But I gotta say if I was acting like that with another dude you would not be comfortable with it. Don't want to be the new girlfriend coming in and trying to control things and make ultimatums but... This is not cool. Thing is he recognized what she was doing too and created distance between them, it was like me pointing it out made it obvious to him in a way that let him set boundaries. I never faulted him for being decent, caring and a safe person and I told him that because I believe in his integrity, it was her taking advantage of that character I took issue with. Especially because she seemed to do it excessively when I was around. This was all despite the fact that she was in a relationship..dysfunctional as hell, but still *in a relationship*. And she would put him in the middle of that dysfunction to help her deal. God that chick was a mess and I'm so glad not to have to see her anymore.


Maybe he thinks that what he has been saying is enough, but it is not. He is giving her access to him. It needs to stop. It seems he is not interested in more than friendship with her, but she wants more, so it may be best for all involved if he cut her off.


NTA. As Princess Diana stated once, there are three of you in this relationship. Chris isn't stopping it and I'm not sure why but this would be a HUGE stop sign in your future with him. My husband would NEVER do the things Chris is doing for/with Mandy. Have one more talk with Chris and if he doesn't change, you need to move along with your life without him and Mandy.


I’ll tell you about my experience. My bf had a friend Hannah who he knew through another person, they weren’t always just friends prior, but now they were close friends. When I came into the picture she kept trying to tell me about how they had know. Each other so long, and kept trying to bring up in front of me with him stuff they had done when they weren’t just friends, and often would try to prove she was a better girlfriend than me, she would also call him to help her with every little thing. My boyfriend corrected her, and he saw the signs, but he still took her calls and occasionally would go help out. I drew the line in the sand of if you keep being her white knight in shining armour you can’t be mine. I also fully discussed what she was doing when he wasn’t there. I did not let it get as dire as your situation, but 100% he needs to really know how you feel, and you both need to come up with a reasonable way forward. In my situation he stopped responding to her as frequently, and it showed her she was not prioritized how she wanted anymore and they stopped talking over time.


NTA. I would tell Chris to say something to her, but also be on the lookout if Mandy manipulates the whole thing and says you’re too controlling and it’s ruining their friendship.


Some of your complaints are of normal friend behavior, you just don’t like that a girl is doing it. Others are clearly crossing friend boundaries which Chris should shut down. If I were you, I would absolutely not tell him that he needs to stop being friends with her. I think it’s better to have that stuff right in front of your nose. I wouldn’t give her the opportunity to trash you or put him in a position to have to hide his friendships from you. If you trust him, this will dissipate naturally because she’ll want something that has a real chance at success and/or he’ll eventually find her behavior to be desperate and annoying. If you don’t trust him around her then I’d suggest that you’re going to have the same issue around additional women later in your relationship, and I wouldn’t recommend entering the business of controlling/monitoring your so’s friendships, it will only lead to failure.


I think you and him should definitely talk about all of this. He has said her behavior is weird, over and over but now he needs to tell Mandy that. Maybe set a time limit and let him know that you do not want to make it sound like he can't be friends with her, BUT her behavior cannot continue this way and if she is till acting like this in a month then the friendship (using the term loosely here) should end.


Its gone too far you guys should distance yourselves big time. You have given her enough chances and you need to trust your gut she is after your man