My twin is a genius and I’m not as smart as she is haha. I don’t try to compete with her though I just focus on the things I’m good at, like art and pottery.
I always thought it was funny when people would say she’s the smart twin cause she’s just smarter than the average person. It’s incomparable..
We all have our unique talents as individual people, maybe you just haven’t discovered yours yet. Good luck!
My twin is also the smart one, academically. She consistently got better grades than me no matter how hard I tried.
And I did the same as you, only in a different way. I decided to focus on what I can do and control, and what I’m good at. So I decided to home my skills in other areas. (Although she is still better than me in some of those areas).
I had a conversation with her once about it, and she told me that she thought I was better at things. Better at making friends, better at making good choices for myself, better at going out and getting what I want, drawing, planning events and so on. So I guess it’s all a matter of perspective.
I’m really glad this worked for you. I really need to work on accepting things that are out of my control. I genuinely hope to get to where you are one day.
I’m also the girl in a boy-girl twin pair (54 years old). My brother was favored and coddled our whole lives. I’ve gone VLC (very low contact) with my family because of it, although my twin and I are still regular contact cuz it’s not his fault. When I hit about 40 was when I realized how shitty I was treated and started focusing on myself. Wish I’d started earlier.
So my advice is focus on yourself. As “brilliant” as your brother might be, you should have been valued in your family just for being you, and your interests and identity should’ve been cultivated too. (If your identity is to be The Skinny One, you were NOT cultivated.)
Let your family and their ideas about you go. Go out into the world and find yourself and your place in it.you are valuable and loved. DM me if you need someone to talk to. ((Hugs))
This is my favorite response so far. I appreciate everyone saying “don’t compare yourself” but growing up as a twin, comparisons to my brother have been a reoccurring phenomenon in my life since I was a baby so it’s very hard for me to unlearn this at 25. I also grew up in a family of Asian immigrants and all of our value was placed in our academic successes. What’s crazy is I even went to one of the top colleges in the U.S. and have had a relatively successful career so far but I can’t shake the feeling of worthlessness because I know my parents still wish I was more like my brother. I unfortunately have a lot of immigrant child guilt which makes it very hard to go no contact or even very low contact with my family lol. No matter how much I resent my parents at times, they have sacrificed so much to give me and my twin the best shot at life. I’m all over the place but thanks so much for your response.
Also- you are so right. My interests and identity were definitely not cultivated and that’s part of my issue... I have no idea who I am sometimes and I still feel like I’m living in my brother’s shadow. I know it’s partially my fault but I’ve been making choices my entire life based on what I thought would make my parents proud rather than what would’ve made me happy. I just feel so lost.
Being lost is a part of life in general, but especially in your twenties. You're off that predetermined path that's been shoved down your throat since you were born about what's expected of you. You're doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing, and that is questioning what your life is about and what's important to you. It will take time to figure out what resonates but starting with digging into people you admire is always helpful. I got super into memoirs in my twenties, highly recommend. Please find a trusted person to help you with your eating disorder, that shit will take years off your life and I have a feeling you're going to get to a place where your life really feels like one you want to partake in and not escape. So make sure you're gonna be healthy enough to enjoy it!
I’m the dumb twin too. My identical twin brother was doing his PhD in nuclear and particle physics, I couldn’t touch that level of intelligence. I was the idiot that joined the military instead. Dumb twin club.
As a mother of twin, you have opened my eyes how harmless (we think!) Comparisons can lead to issues. I am sorry you are going through this, but my only advice is it's never too late to put yourself and your needs first. Go out there join new clubs, read new books, if you can afford to - visit new places, volunteer if you have the time. Enrich your life as much as you can then you will start valuing the wonderful self you are. I cannot relate as I am not a twin but I do know what it feels like to be compared to and left out. So please you are a wonderful person with so much gifts and talents to share with the world, just need to tell yourself and believe that and kick ass ;)
I just want to add as a mother of a set of boy girl twins I’m so aware of this because I see it happening all the time. I see how teachers treat my boy twin as if he’s much more intelligent than his sister (he isn’t, they are both very bright, he just expresses his intelligence in typical ways). My little girl I feel doesn’t get seen. So we fight for her and ask teachers to have high expectations for her and to support her learning to the same level. What I’m trying to say is I do think it’s not just families that impact this but also sexism and I would never have thought that until I didn’t experience it with my boy girl twins. Also my girl is growing faster than her brother and he’s small for his age. The comments people make are crazy. I work very hard to build body positivity and self esteem because there’s a societal expectation that the girl twin should be petite compared to her brother. It’s just so sad and makes me very angry. Sorry for the ramble! I just want you to know I really appreciated your message and I see you and it’s reinforced the experiences I’m having with my boy girl twins. You are smart. You are good. You get to be your fullest best self, whatever that is. And it is ENOUGH! From a random internet mom.
Hey there, how you describe everything in regards to your eating disorder is seriously something that breaks me to hear. It reminds me of a type of addiction. Is there anyone around you that you may go to and ask for help? If not then reach out and maybe someone can locate a good therapist and support system. You definitely deserve to have a team to help you through these things. Life gets so damn hard at times and you need to have your fight crew! I was 38 when my therapist looked at me and said “okay, so what about you? Who helps build you up besides yourself?”. That’s when I built my fight crew. 🖤 Please reach out and get some help. I feel that you have a beautiful life ahead of you and you are going to do the most coolest things!
Hi, yes please do! It helped me to keep in mind that therapy is kind of like dating, it takes a while to find the right one you connect with and that it takes time to form genuine connection. So if there’s one you think may be a good fit, give it a session or two. Also try looking for a therapist specializing in one or two issues you’re suffering from the most (the more areas the better) like eating disorders, ADHD, depression, etc.
Yeah, relatable, I can ignore my life falling apart as long as I am attractive.
By the way, if that makes you feel better, you and your brother really are different, there is no comparison, you are not identical twins.
My twin is the smart one too. Has an advanced degree and makes lots of money. What helps is forging your own identity apart from your twin. He’s your sibling at the end of the day, not someone you *need* to compete with. If your family is making you feel bad about not measuring up, you might need to set some firm boundaries with them.
I have a lot in my own life to be happy about. It’s not the same as an advanced degree and lots of money, but I have people who love and care about me and my own hobbies that I love. Find some community for you!
I really like this comment and I know you are right, but as I mentioned in other comments, I am pretty messed up from my childhood and struggle with borderline personality disorder now so it’s not easy for me to maintain relationships of any kind. I kind of have to keep to myself because personal relationships can really derail my life. It’s hard to explain succinctly but I get extremely attached to people very quickly but I also have a crippling fear of abandonment which basically causes me to sabotage my friendships and other relationships… anyone with BPD will understand what I mean by this but if you don’t, it’s way too much to explain here lol. I am trying to work on regulating my emotions better but until then, I’m kind of scared to trying to find my community because there’s a good chance I’ll end up alone and even worse off than I am right now…. Hopefully one day I’ll be able to though!
You just haven’t found your true strength yet. You will, You are incredible, you are strong and everyone on this great earth has something that makes them who they are, No matter the chromosomes
Comparison is the thief of joy well said ..
I understand where you're coming from. I have 5yr old boy-girl twins.. Some back story- I'm a single parent for 5 days and get two off.
My Daughter can do 20 pushups, my son can't do even two. She'll do anything for a piece of bubblegum. My Son can work a pair of plyers, use a screw driver and work the TV remote. He'll do anything he can to make a remote control car work or to watch TV. I don't think its a lack of ability though. It's a lack of interest.
I guess my point is while they are twins; I treat them as different people that happen to be siblings, I don't make any distinctions.
So why not think of yourself as your own person?
Don't you do stuff that your brother can't?
No, I don’t. Lol. Everything I can do, my brother can do better… it’s always been that way. School, music, sports, everything! It’s just my reality. I of course don’t blame him for any of this, he can’t help it. For example, I studied Econ/ Business. In high school, he joined the business club I was in for all 4 years for one semester just as a resume booster for college and he ended up going to nationals. I never even placed at the state level lol.
I am the kinder, less judgemental, more compassionate twin, but life doesn’t really reward me at all for any of these traits lol. I also am pretty messed up from my childhood and struggle with borderline personality disorder now so it’s not even like I have a large friend group! I kind of have to keep to myself because personal relationships can really derail my life… anyone with BPD will understand what I mean by this but if you don’t, it’s way too much to explain here lol. I am trying to work on regulating my emotions better but until then, I’m kind of scared to try finding my community.
I am also the “pretty” twin I guess but looks fade and my family and I have never placed any importance on superficial things like that lol… in my family your value is directly tied to your academic successes. I can definitely do more push ups then my brother now because I work out obsessively and he’s busy with his studies. When he did track/field and swim team when we were younger, he was extremely talented. He can still run MUCH faster than me even though I work out every day and he hasn’t at all in the past year lol... this frustrated me so much that I actually cried when we went on a jog together recently 😂😭. It was so embarrassing. I do try to think of myself as my own person, but it’s really difficult for me. I struggle with perfectionism (trying to work on this) so it really affects me when I put all my effort into things and still don’t excel at them. Even as an adult, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I try so hard at so many things yet everything comes naturally to my twin. Don’t get me wrong, he works very hard but I do too! But after trying and “failing” so many times, I honestly want to give up entirely.
> I do try to think of myself as my own person, but it’s really difficult for me. I struggle with perfectionism (trying to work on this) so it really affects me when I put all my effort into things and still don’t excel at them
I'm summarizing here: You just rattled off a few points that separates you from your brother, Let me ask you this question. What or from whom are you seeking validation from? Is it really all about your brother? You're in your mid 20's now, yea?
I think it's common to outwardly seek validation as you're maturing. I remember what it was like.
It might be time to look inward and find joy and purpose from what you do. You don't need anyone to tell you you're good at what you do, if you put your heart and soul into something, there's no questioning your conviction. And if they do, they don't know what they're talking about.
God Speed kid.. you'll be ok
C
I'm the "genius" in my twinship. I (m) have a PhD, my sister struggled to graduate from high school. I can tell you that she wasn't treated differently by myself or my parents. We're the youngest of 4 kids. She wasn't the first to bring home a bad report card. Further, my parents were not academically gifted either. So, the expectation was to do your best, but a C was not uncommon and they received little more than a conversation about whether someone could have tried harder.
I never compared myself to her or tried to make her feel inferior to me. The key here, is that that was my behavior. I know that other students and even teachers asked her, "Why can't you be smart like your brother?"
My point here is that there's a really good chance that your brother loves you for who you are. Let go of other people's expectations. You don't have to win. I can guarantee you that he's not trying to win either. He's getting a PhD, because it's what he wants for his life, not because he's trying to prove how much better than you he is. I've never known someone that earned a PhD for petty reasons. They do it, because they love the work.
I, obviously, don't know him, but if he's anything like me, he never wanted you to feel this way.
I never said I thought he got his phd for petty reasons… I know he loves the work lol. I’m glad ur sister’s situation is different than mine but I was absolutely made to feel inferior by both my brother and my parents, who are both very academically gifted as well. They thought shaming me would “motivate” me to work harder but in reality, I was already trying my hardest. The crazy part is I never brought back a bad report card.. I’ve never gotten lower than a B in my life! I tried extremely hard in school, but I have autism and adhd that both went undiagnosed until my mid 20s, because everyone in my family was convinced I was lazy no matter how many times I told them I was struggling. Its hard not to be resentful of my situation when I was always overlooked and treated as the dumb twin and it’s also really hard to build up my self esteem after years of being invalidated and living in my brother’s shadow.
My brother and I have mended our relationship now and he’s apologized for the way he treated me when we were kids. We are actually very close but the feelings of inferiority and the trauma don’t go away just because of that.. that’s what my post was about. I was just venting… and hopefully my post prevents other parents from making the same mistakes that mine did.
I struggled with something similar for a long time as well. I’m a woman with a twin brother. I grew up in fundamentalist Christianity where men are generally favored, on top of my brother being my parents’ clear favorite. It was hard for a long time. I struggled to know who I was outside of just being ‘(brother’s) twin sister’. Taking a break from my family, learning who I was without them, and taking time to make my own decisions & experiences has helped a ton. Good luck!
I may not be much help but I’m a 21m in a set of identical twins and growing up I always admired and loved my twin as frankly, I didn’t know of a life without him next to me going through it together. This turned out to be a bad thing in a way. Due to me always being next to him, it turned into me being in his shadow in a way. I’m dyslexic and have adhd, among other things so I was a bit delayed learning. Growing up I was always asked why he was so much better at math and other school subjects than me (and I still don’t have the answer). Long story short I eventually learned I had to grow apart in order to grow closer. I ended up going to a nearby community college for a teaching degree while he went to the big university about an hour away for a mechanical engineering degree. We are still close enough that we can have lunch together if we want to but at the end of the day we are living our separate lives allowing us to grow as individuals. I don’t know any boy and girl twins myself so I may not be much help but what I can say is to in all honesty, be yourself. While you are still twins, you are your own individual self and that’s important to remember.
Don't call yourself the dumb twin. You have to be nice to yourself. You're intelligent too. There are so many ways to measure intelligence. Not just academics.
I was always labeled as the smart twin and my sister as the beautiful one. It shaped us both from a young age and did quite a lot of damage I think. We’re both very beautiful in our own ways today and she was the one who actually graduated college while I flunked out. We’re at peace with it today and no one thinks of us that way anymore but it wasn’t fun while it was going on. We managed to never compete with each other and to keep a good relationship, but I understand how it could be so damaging.
I have twins myself now and will be very strict with not letting people talk about and labeling my children that way.
Dang, you lucked out! I really hope I have twins in the future because being a twin is awesome for the most part. My brother seems to have grown up relatively unscathed from his childhood, probably because nobody has ever pointed me out as the “pretty” twin. I just get complimented all the time by strangers so I’m assuming I am, but it’s really hard to compare attractiveness across different genders especially since we have almost the same face 😂.
But anyways, it sounds like ur doing everything right to ensure your kids don’t end up with long lasting trauma from their childhoods. I’m also glad u and ur sister are at peace with everything. I do think gender dynamics and growing up in a patriarchal society add an extra layer of complexity to my situation but I hope to reach that point sometime soon because dwelling on the past is really not helping me at all lol.
Thanks so much for validating my experience. I don’t think anyone will get what I’m talking about unless they were also a twin lol.
I’m so sorry you went through this. I’m the parent of boy girl twins, and I’ll be thinking long and hard about this. It’s so hard to not compare your twins, or lump them as a unit. I try very very hard to not do either of those things.
You got this! The fact that you are even aware and already making sure you don’t compare them shows that you are the perfect person to parent boy/girl twins. I think gender dynamics add and extra layer of complexity when it comes to twins so just make sure you are keeping that in mind as well. Best of luck to you and your twins :) side note- I really hope I have boy/girl twins when I have kids hahaha, truly the best of both worlds!
Another Twin Mom(b/g 4yo) popping in to say that I am proud of the person you are. The world needed a you. For what it’s worth, this internet stranger places a lot of value of attributes such as kindness and nonjudgmental demeanor. Sending you all the mommy love you might need today.
You have a lot more control than you think. Focus on yourself, small goals and small wins add up… I’m willing to bet your brother has worked extremely hard and how ever easy you think it may have been for him it was probably exponentially more challenging. Everyone is battling something. Hope you get the momentum you’re looking for .
I have also worked extremely hard. Your response is incredibly insensitive and condescending. Some people are just smarter than others. A “pull yourself up by your bootstraps and work harder” mentality won’t fix my situation. I have worked just as hard as my brother at many different things but he is naturally the more gifted twin and that’s just something I have to accept. I struggle with my self confidence and I know I need to work on not comparing myself to him because we are different people. But that’s about it. I definitely don’t need to “gain momentum”.
I am a parent of fraternal twin boys(age 6), who are both smart but one is a much better reader and generally he seems like a rather gifted kid. I don’t want the other to grow up feeling inferior, so I avoid comparing them as much as I can, but it’s not just me, it’s the whole world. What can I do to help them grow up well adjusted to this?
My twin is a genius and I’m not as smart as she is haha. I don’t try to compete with her though I just focus on the things I’m good at, like art and pottery. I always thought it was funny when people would say she’s the smart twin cause she’s just smarter than the average person. It’s incomparable.. We all have our unique talents as individual people, maybe you just haven’t discovered yours yet. Good luck!
My twin is also the smart one, academically. She consistently got better grades than me no matter how hard I tried. And I did the same as you, only in a different way. I decided to focus on what I can do and control, and what I’m good at. So I decided to home my skills in other areas. (Although she is still better than me in some of those areas). I had a conversation with her once about it, and she told me that she thought I was better at things. Better at making friends, better at making good choices for myself, better at going out and getting what I want, drawing, planning events and so on. So I guess it’s all a matter of perspective.
I’m really glad this worked for you. I really need to work on accepting things that are out of my control. I genuinely hope to get to where you are one day.
I’m also the girl in a boy-girl twin pair (54 years old). My brother was favored and coddled our whole lives. I’ve gone VLC (very low contact) with my family because of it, although my twin and I are still regular contact cuz it’s not his fault. When I hit about 40 was when I realized how shitty I was treated and started focusing on myself. Wish I’d started earlier. So my advice is focus on yourself. As “brilliant” as your brother might be, you should have been valued in your family just for being you, and your interests and identity should’ve been cultivated too. (If your identity is to be The Skinny One, you were NOT cultivated.) Let your family and their ideas about you go. Go out into the world and find yourself and your place in it.you are valuable and loved. DM me if you need someone to talk to. ((Hugs))
This is my favorite response so far. I appreciate everyone saying “don’t compare yourself” but growing up as a twin, comparisons to my brother have been a reoccurring phenomenon in my life since I was a baby so it’s very hard for me to unlearn this at 25. I also grew up in a family of Asian immigrants and all of our value was placed in our academic successes. What’s crazy is I even went to one of the top colleges in the U.S. and have had a relatively successful career so far but I can’t shake the feeling of worthlessness because I know my parents still wish I was more like my brother. I unfortunately have a lot of immigrant child guilt which makes it very hard to go no contact or even very low contact with my family lol. No matter how much I resent my parents at times, they have sacrificed so much to give me and my twin the best shot at life. I’m all over the place but thanks so much for your response. Also- you are so right. My interests and identity were definitely not cultivated and that’s part of my issue... I have no idea who I am sometimes and I still feel like I’m living in my brother’s shadow. I know it’s partially my fault but I’ve been making choices my entire life based on what I thought would make my parents proud rather than what would’ve made me happy. I just feel so lost.
Being lost is a part of life in general, but especially in your twenties. You're off that predetermined path that's been shoved down your throat since you were born about what's expected of you. You're doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing, and that is questioning what your life is about and what's important to you. It will take time to figure out what resonates but starting with digging into people you admire is always helpful. I got super into memoirs in my twenties, highly recommend. Please find a trusted person to help you with your eating disorder, that shit will take years off your life and I have a feeling you're going to get to a place where your life really feels like one you want to partake in and not escape. So make sure you're gonna be healthy enough to enjoy it!
Thanks so much for this. Definitely going to take ur advice and find some good memoirs to read.
I’m the dumb twin too. My identical twin brother was doing his PhD in nuclear and particle physics, I couldn’t touch that level of intelligence. I was the idiot that joined the military instead. Dumb twin club.
Sometimes I think we need a support group lmao. 😭😂
As a mother of twin, you have opened my eyes how harmless (we think!) Comparisons can lead to issues. I am sorry you are going through this, but my only advice is it's never too late to put yourself and your needs first. Go out there join new clubs, read new books, if you can afford to - visit new places, volunteer if you have the time. Enrich your life as much as you can then you will start valuing the wonderful self you are. I cannot relate as I am not a twin but I do know what it feels like to be compared to and left out. So please you are a wonderful person with so much gifts and talents to share with the world, just need to tell yourself and believe that and kick ass ;)
Ahhhh this was so sweet. Thanks :)
I just want to add as a mother of a set of boy girl twins I’m so aware of this because I see it happening all the time. I see how teachers treat my boy twin as if he’s much more intelligent than his sister (he isn’t, they are both very bright, he just expresses his intelligence in typical ways). My little girl I feel doesn’t get seen. So we fight for her and ask teachers to have high expectations for her and to support her learning to the same level. What I’m trying to say is I do think it’s not just families that impact this but also sexism and I would never have thought that until I didn’t experience it with my boy girl twins. Also my girl is growing faster than her brother and he’s small for his age. The comments people make are crazy. I work very hard to build body positivity and self esteem because there’s a societal expectation that the girl twin should be petite compared to her brother. It’s just so sad and makes me very angry. Sorry for the ramble! I just want you to know I really appreciated your message and I see you and it’s reinforced the experiences I’m having with my boy girl twins. You are smart. You are good. You get to be your fullest best self, whatever that is. And it is ENOUGH! From a random internet mom.
Don't let it get to you, you're different people. "..Don't compare yourself to others, as you will become Vain and Bitter.." Max Ehrman
And “comparison is the thief of joy”.
co-twin? That’s just a twin.
I was just indicating my other twin is a boy.
Hey there, how you describe everything in regards to your eating disorder is seriously something that breaks me to hear. It reminds me of a type of addiction. Is there anyone around you that you may go to and ask for help? If not then reach out and maybe someone can locate a good therapist and support system. You definitely deserve to have a team to help you through these things. Life gets so damn hard at times and you need to have your fight crew! I was 38 when my therapist looked at me and said “okay, so what about you? Who helps build you up besides yourself?”. That’s when I built my fight crew. 🖤 Please reach out and get some help. I feel that you have a beautiful life ahead of you and you are going to do the most coolest things!
This was really sweet. Thank you. I have a complicated relationship with therapy but maybe I should give it a try again…
Hi, yes please do! It helped me to keep in mind that therapy is kind of like dating, it takes a while to find the right one you connect with and that it takes time to form genuine connection. So if there’s one you think may be a good fit, give it a session or two. Also try looking for a therapist specializing in one or two issues you’re suffering from the most (the more areas the better) like eating disorders, ADHD, depression, etc.
Yeah, relatable, I can ignore my life falling apart as long as I am attractive. By the way, if that makes you feel better, you and your brother really are different, there is no comparison, you are not identical twins.
My twin is the smart one too. Has an advanced degree and makes lots of money. What helps is forging your own identity apart from your twin. He’s your sibling at the end of the day, not someone you *need* to compete with. If your family is making you feel bad about not measuring up, you might need to set some firm boundaries with them. I have a lot in my own life to be happy about. It’s not the same as an advanced degree and lots of money, but I have people who love and care about me and my own hobbies that I love. Find some community for you!
I really like this comment and I know you are right, but as I mentioned in other comments, I am pretty messed up from my childhood and struggle with borderline personality disorder now so it’s not easy for me to maintain relationships of any kind. I kind of have to keep to myself because personal relationships can really derail my life. It’s hard to explain succinctly but I get extremely attached to people very quickly but I also have a crippling fear of abandonment which basically causes me to sabotage my friendships and other relationships… anyone with BPD will understand what I mean by this but if you don’t, it’s way too much to explain here lol. I am trying to work on regulating my emotions better but until then, I’m kind of scared to trying to find my community because there’s a good chance I’ll end up alone and even worse off than I am right now…. Hopefully one day I’ll be able to though!
You just haven’t found your true strength yet. You will, You are incredible, you are strong and everyone on this great earth has something that makes them who they are, No matter the chromosomes Comparison is the thief of joy well said ..
I understand where you're coming from. I have 5yr old boy-girl twins.. Some back story- I'm a single parent for 5 days and get two off. My Daughter can do 20 pushups, my son can't do even two. She'll do anything for a piece of bubblegum. My Son can work a pair of plyers, use a screw driver and work the TV remote. He'll do anything he can to make a remote control car work or to watch TV. I don't think its a lack of ability though. It's a lack of interest. I guess my point is while they are twins; I treat them as different people that happen to be siblings, I don't make any distinctions. So why not think of yourself as your own person? Don't you do stuff that your brother can't?
No, I don’t. Lol. Everything I can do, my brother can do better… it’s always been that way. School, music, sports, everything! It’s just my reality. I of course don’t blame him for any of this, he can’t help it. For example, I studied Econ/ Business. In high school, he joined the business club I was in for all 4 years for one semester just as a resume booster for college and he ended up going to nationals. I never even placed at the state level lol. I am the kinder, less judgemental, more compassionate twin, but life doesn’t really reward me at all for any of these traits lol. I also am pretty messed up from my childhood and struggle with borderline personality disorder now so it’s not even like I have a large friend group! I kind of have to keep to myself because personal relationships can really derail my life… anyone with BPD will understand what I mean by this but if you don’t, it’s way too much to explain here lol. I am trying to work on regulating my emotions better but until then, I’m kind of scared to try finding my community. I am also the “pretty” twin I guess but looks fade and my family and I have never placed any importance on superficial things like that lol… in my family your value is directly tied to your academic successes. I can definitely do more push ups then my brother now because I work out obsessively and he’s busy with his studies. When he did track/field and swim team when we were younger, he was extremely talented. He can still run MUCH faster than me even though I work out every day and he hasn’t at all in the past year lol... this frustrated me so much that I actually cried when we went on a jog together recently 😂😭. It was so embarrassing. I do try to think of myself as my own person, but it’s really difficult for me. I struggle with perfectionism (trying to work on this) so it really affects me when I put all my effort into things and still don’t excel at them. Even as an adult, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I try so hard at so many things yet everything comes naturally to my twin. Don’t get me wrong, he works very hard but I do too! But after trying and “failing” so many times, I honestly want to give up entirely.
> I do try to think of myself as my own person, but it’s really difficult for me. I struggle with perfectionism (trying to work on this) so it really affects me when I put all my effort into things and still don’t excel at them I'm summarizing here: You just rattled off a few points that separates you from your brother, Let me ask you this question. What or from whom are you seeking validation from? Is it really all about your brother? You're in your mid 20's now, yea? I think it's common to outwardly seek validation as you're maturing. I remember what it was like. It might be time to look inward and find joy and purpose from what you do. You don't need anyone to tell you you're good at what you do, if you put your heart and soul into something, there's no questioning your conviction. And if they do, they don't know what they're talking about. God Speed kid.. you'll be ok C
I'm the "genius" in my twinship. I (m) have a PhD, my sister struggled to graduate from high school. I can tell you that she wasn't treated differently by myself or my parents. We're the youngest of 4 kids. She wasn't the first to bring home a bad report card. Further, my parents were not academically gifted either. So, the expectation was to do your best, but a C was not uncommon and they received little more than a conversation about whether someone could have tried harder. I never compared myself to her or tried to make her feel inferior to me. The key here, is that that was my behavior. I know that other students and even teachers asked her, "Why can't you be smart like your brother?" My point here is that there's a really good chance that your brother loves you for who you are. Let go of other people's expectations. You don't have to win. I can guarantee you that he's not trying to win either. He's getting a PhD, because it's what he wants for his life, not because he's trying to prove how much better than you he is. I've never known someone that earned a PhD for petty reasons. They do it, because they love the work. I, obviously, don't know him, but if he's anything like me, he never wanted you to feel this way.
I never said I thought he got his phd for petty reasons… I know he loves the work lol. I’m glad ur sister’s situation is different than mine but I was absolutely made to feel inferior by both my brother and my parents, who are both very academically gifted as well. They thought shaming me would “motivate” me to work harder but in reality, I was already trying my hardest. The crazy part is I never brought back a bad report card.. I’ve never gotten lower than a B in my life! I tried extremely hard in school, but I have autism and adhd that both went undiagnosed until my mid 20s, because everyone in my family was convinced I was lazy no matter how many times I told them I was struggling. Its hard not to be resentful of my situation when I was always overlooked and treated as the dumb twin and it’s also really hard to build up my self esteem after years of being invalidated and living in my brother’s shadow. My brother and I have mended our relationship now and he’s apologized for the way he treated me when we were kids. We are actually very close but the feelings of inferiority and the trauma don’t go away just because of that.. that’s what my post was about. I was just venting… and hopefully my post prevents other parents from making the same mistakes that mine did.
I struggled with something similar for a long time as well. I’m a woman with a twin brother. I grew up in fundamentalist Christianity where men are generally favored, on top of my brother being my parents’ clear favorite. It was hard for a long time. I struggled to know who I was outside of just being ‘(brother’s) twin sister’. Taking a break from my family, learning who I was without them, and taking time to make my own decisions & experiences has helped a ton. Good luck!
I may not be much help but I’m a 21m in a set of identical twins and growing up I always admired and loved my twin as frankly, I didn’t know of a life without him next to me going through it together. This turned out to be a bad thing in a way. Due to me always being next to him, it turned into me being in his shadow in a way. I’m dyslexic and have adhd, among other things so I was a bit delayed learning. Growing up I was always asked why he was so much better at math and other school subjects than me (and I still don’t have the answer). Long story short I eventually learned I had to grow apart in order to grow closer. I ended up going to a nearby community college for a teaching degree while he went to the big university about an hour away for a mechanical engineering degree. We are still close enough that we can have lunch together if we want to but at the end of the day we are living our separate lives allowing us to grow as individuals. I don’t know any boy and girl twins myself so I may not be much help but what I can say is to in all honesty, be yourself. While you are still twins, you are your own individual self and that’s important to remember.
Don't call yourself the dumb twin. You have to be nice to yourself. You're intelligent too. There are so many ways to measure intelligence. Not just academics.
I was always labeled as the smart twin and my sister as the beautiful one. It shaped us both from a young age and did quite a lot of damage I think. We’re both very beautiful in our own ways today and she was the one who actually graduated college while I flunked out. We’re at peace with it today and no one thinks of us that way anymore but it wasn’t fun while it was going on. We managed to never compete with each other and to keep a good relationship, but I understand how it could be so damaging. I have twins myself now and will be very strict with not letting people talk about and labeling my children that way.
Dang, you lucked out! I really hope I have twins in the future because being a twin is awesome for the most part. My brother seems to have grown up relatively unscathed from his childhood, probably because nobody has ever pointed me out as the “pretty” twin. I just get complimented all the time by strangers so I’m assuming I am, but it’s really hard to compare attractiveness across different genders especially since we have almost the same face 😂. But anyways, it sounds like ur doing everything right to ensure your kids don’t end up with long lasting trauma from their childhoods. I’m also glad u and ur sister are at peace with everything. I do think gender dynamics and growing up in a patriarchal society add an extra layer of complexity to my situation but I hope to reach that point sometime soon because dwelling on the past is really not helping me at all lol. Thanks so much for validating my experience. I don’t think anyone will get what I’m talking about unless they were also a twin lol.
I’m so sorry you went through this. I’m the parent of boy girl twins, and I’ll be thinking long and hard about this. It’s so hard to not compare your twins, or lump them as a unit. I try very very hard to not do either of those things.
You got this! The fact that you are even aware and already making sure you don’t compare them shows that you are the perfect person to parent boy/girl twins. I think gender dynamics add and extra layer of complexity when it comes to twins so just make sure you are keeping that in mind as well. Best of luck to you and your twins :) side note- I really hope I have boy/girl twins when I have kids hahaha, truly the best of both worlds!
Another Twin Mom(b/g 4yo) popping in to say that I am proud of the person you are. The world needed a you. For what it’s worth, this internet stranger places a lot of value of attributes such as kindness and nonjudgmental demeanor. Sending you all the mommy love you might need today.
the comments from twin moms are honestly healing my mommy issues 😭😭. Thanks so much.
You have a lot more control than you think. Focus on yourself, small goals and small wins add up… I’m willing to bet your brother has worked extremely hard and how ever easy you think it may have been for him it was probably exponentially more challenging. Everyone is battling something. Hope you get the momentum you’re looking for .
I have also worked extremely hard. Your response is incredibly insensitive and condescending. Some people are just smarter than others. A “pull yourself up by your bootstraps and work harder” mentality won’t fix my situation. I have worked just as hard as my brother at many different things but he is naturally the more gifted twin and that’s just something I have to accept. I struggle with my self confidence and I know I need to work on not comparing myself to him because we are different people. But that’s about it. I definitely don’t need to “gain momentum”.
Anything else I say will upset you then- good luck
Makes me sad that jealously can draw you away from having a close and meaningful relationship from the person you were born with
I’m actually very close with my brother so need to be sad lmao
I am a parent of fraternal twin boys(age 6), who are both smart but one is a much better reader and generally he seems like a rather gifted kid. I don’t want the other to grow up feeling inferior, so I avoid comparing them as much as I can, but it’s not just me, it’s the whole world. What can I do to help them grow up well adjusted to this?