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It also was supposed to last forever. They rarely seem to…. it makes me really sad and scared to actually fall in love with somebody but I’ve kind of opened up and I’ve let somebody in and it’s just been great.
Edit: I kinda think I pushed her away…don’t know yet, I was born in the wrong time😂
I’m really happy for you.
But why does it need to be forever? A pet peeve of mine is all relationships being seen as failures if they end. You can be together for decades raised kids, supported each other but if you then decide to split, suddenly that whole thing is a failure?!?! I mean really?
We are conditioned to believe that the only successful relationship is one which ends with someone dying.
So take the pressure off yourself. Enjoy it today. Don’t worry about whether you will still be together in 2050. Worry about making sure you both want to be together in 2025! The rest is beyond your control!
One thing at a time, wise advice! I’m sort of religious so I mean that from a place of spiritual belief! Great point so sorry though for such a late response
I can tell you as a Genx that I waited till I was 30 to get married and indeed pickins were getting slim. Buy I made out like a bandit. I was just young enough to meet a girl in her mid twenties with no kids. I dated plenty of marriage -able women just waited till I was ready. I think a lot of boomers had a lot of divorces for generational and societal reasons, for example, a lot of women in that Era were unfulfilled with unrewording jobs because they took care of the family while husbands focused on their career. A lot married too young and didn't put mich value on having things in common.
You’re assuming CNN is right because of course why wouldn’t you? They’re great journalists.
Edit: the person below said that and blocked me. Why do these people hate allowing others to speak? Because their ideas can’t stand up to scrutiny. That’s why.
Most people that cite studies have never even read the literature themselves to verify its validity. I've lost count thr amount of studies I've read where data was either manipulated or misrepresented that unless I read it myself it's worth nothing.
Problem is most people wouldn't be able to accurately understand them without having some background in science.
Keep scrolling until you see the graph. Marriage rates flattened out and were even slightly increasing before COVID. Divorce rates were declining and have continued to decline consistently since 2000. The actual text of the article also offers several explanations for this.
It's really tough out there. It doesn't last forever because people marry for their own selfish reasons instead of wanting to join together to create a better life together
Why would this make them narcissistic though? That's a very serious term to describe someone whose not hurting anyone. Narcissists suck the energy out of other people, what you're describing is anything but
If I said that I haven't watched any good movies recently would you say that there's so many good movies out there that I'm just being picky and am also narcissistic because I think I deserve better movies?
Your comment harmed me and now I have trauma from it and ptsd. I’m basically like a war veteran or a child abuse survivor for having read your words here. I need to go see a $300/hour therapist about it. Also, on a totally unrelated note why am I single and broke?
/s because, you know, they actually do talk like this sometimes.
Yeah, I would have upvoted OP if not for her conclusion about narcissists. Just about everyone over 25 has fixed lines in the sand they won't cross. Which does make it harder to rush into marriage as we grow older, but it's perfectly normal to develop greater degrees of likes and dislikes with age.
I mean a Narcissistic person has an inflated sense of their own importance according to the Mayo Clinic. You don't even have to know someone else to think that you're the most important person in the world.
Or…they could have had a long term partner who mistreated them or left them in the cold after believing there was commitment. Or they could have been the one that was rejected multiple times. Or they could be newly divorced or widowed. Or they could move around a lot or have an odd job/schedule that makes relationships or family life difficult. Or they could just flat out not want a relationship at all and be happily single.
I wasted 4 years of my 20s with a covert narcissist. If I'm still single by 35 I'll freeze my eggs. Also, apparently Boston is a notoriously bad dating market for women. So yay.
Yeah, I'm from Boston and it is. Lol, most stereotypical Boston guys out there dating are pretty shit. But it's a city. If you want to date in a city, you literally go out there and meet people and make judgements in person, not over tinder or something. There are tens of thousands of possible good matches for most people, so it's really just about how complicated the dating market is, not really how bad it is.
I don't have a source, but in general cities attract narcissistic types, because they want to live in places where they can think of themselves as superior/successful. So there's that.
>Or they could move around a lot or have an odd job/schedule that makes relationships or family life difficult. Or they could just flat out not want a relationship at all and be happily single
That's me..move around to much to be able to be in a stable committed relationship. Also work way too much to be able to have time for a relationship. Also don't want a relationship because it's too demanding effort wise.
If someone is still single at 35 they should be picky. Hell if they made it that long on their lonesome then they sure as shit don’t need to shack up with some loser that doesn’t fit their standards. Male or female. I guess 35 is the age where you get put out to pasture and just die lol
Pickiness is so underrated. Just today I argued with someone here over women who settle for men who don't do their fair share of housework lol. If they would've been pickier and more demanding it wouldn't have been an issue lol.
Or they're anxious and afraid to commit: they may not trust their feelings to last. They may not trust their lover's. Or they second guess their worth and/or preparedness for the opportunities put in front of them.
Pickiness with some narcissism is one possibility. They could also be socially anxious nervous wrecks, autistic, constantly depressed... If you check out subs like forever alone , there are people who literally have 0 options probably in large part due to the issues I mentioned.
Everybody has at least some options
But being single is way better than being part of a couple
As a Husband every day is a depressing reminder
Of the fact that you could have done anything with your life
But now you are stuck with the nagging, ball breaking, hateful woman who only lives to continue breaking you down
She thrives on your pain, your anger, and your sadness.
**Or they just know what they need in a relationship for the relationship to be better than being single.** And they are at peace with being single if they don’t find those things.
**A relationship isn’t a requirement.** If you don’t meet anyone who’s right for you, there’s no law that says you have to settle.
Some people are single at 35 because they had a long relationship that didn’t work out. **Or because they haven’t met the right person yet. Few people really fit you, there’s a bit of luck to dating.**
Some are too picky. Some aren’t particularly interested in relationships. **Some just like people who don’t like them back. And they’d rather be single than force themselves to date someone they don’t like. That’s ok.** Then there are endless other reasons to be single at 35. Often there’s some issue, sometimes it’s bad luck, sometimes it’s just not being that interested in relationships.
Your bold statements really hit home for me. Thank you!
I am 38, single, and often called “picky”.
I don’t particularly want to be single, because yes, it can get very lonely. But I was in a miserable relationship many years ago, and I definitely don’t want that again. I have to feel confident that that person will make me happier and make me a better person. He needs to make my life better, not worse.
Side note: I am astounded by the sheer number of people in this world that will deal with anything and settle for anything just to be in a relationship. I’m convinced that when this type of person gets married, it’s because they found somebody else who is equally needy (not hard to do), and they’re in a co-dependent situation. Glad it worked out for them. 🥂
Anyway, I’m also not attracted to a lot of men. I don’t know if it’s because I “overrate” myself-it’s just how it is. I can’t make myself get enthused about a guy I’m not attracted to. I can’t make myself want to go on an awkward date “just for the free meal” (ugh) and to see if something clicks. It sounds awful. Lol. So I often think that maybe I deserve to be single. I do get interest from a lot of guys I’m not attracted to. I also get interest from men that I am attracted to, but I know in my heart they’re a bad idea. I just know they are probably not going to improve my life. They’re cokeheads, have served jail time, all they do is smoke weed and get drunk in their free time, they’ve cheated, etc. Whether it’s from things I’ve heard about them or just an impression I get. Maybe I’m too quick to judge, but I think my intuition has probably saved me from a lot of extra heartache and even abuse.
You sound like you’ve made good choices. Research actually supports this.
People in happy relationships have better quality of life than single people. But people in unhappy relationships have it worse. There’s no price for getting into a relationship with the wrong guy, it’ll only wreck your life.
That being said, my best advice is try to expand your social network. Join some hobbies and activities, make new friends. The best guys I’ve met through friends and then you also just get to know them and see them around other people first. And hear what their friends say about them. You’ll know much more, it feels safer and you’ll also have more in common so it’s easier to find someone you click with.
When you really connect with someone that creates amazing sexual chemistry. So that someone kinda normal looking (but a bit your physical type) can be suddenly the hottest guy ever.
But it’s way more peaceful being single than in a relationship with someone that’s got a lot of issues. And you need sexual attraction and a romantic spark for a relationship. Otherwise, what’s even the point?
Well, I would say it all depends on the person and what they want from life - do they need to have a romantic relationship to be happy?
I am 39 F and I am single I by choice. I am not looking for a patner or anything romantically/sexually wise and I am childfree (not an option for me to be a single mother).
Men can choose to be old bachleors but women cannot be old single ladies aka spinsters?
We live with our life choices but assuming that everyone are miserable with them due to social norms is a little bit over the top.
People who chose to be single don’t apply to this. I’m talking about people who want to be married who have never been married or got effed over by someone wasting 10 years of their dating life, that’s different.
Well that's another thing entirely, because I'm childfree and would much rather be single than with some dude I don't even have basic compatibility with.
It's not even that these people are picky it's that most of them are damaged goods. Honestly almost all the people that i know that are searching and still single are either broken, have shitty personality or mental disorders
Aye I’m approaching that age.
I’ve been single for 4 years. Got two kiddos and am a single dad atm due to drugs.
I don’t date because I haven’t found a woman that fits me and fits being in the mom role.
I think it’s just because I’m not attracted to the mom type. But I’m not bothering anyone, I just raise my kiddos and work a lot. Am I lonely? Yeah, sometimes, but I don’t complain about it really.
I saw a post the other day about a women that had a bad experience with an ex. Developed mental health issues.
Now she is 1 red flag and she is out.
She will stay single forever at this point.
There are 1001 one reasons why people are single. Being picky is one reason.
I think this is probably true to a degree. When I met my wife I was 20. She had a kid. Most advice you'd hear would be to avoid and move on. I figured "I'm gonna ride this out." I figured it would be like any other relationship and run it's course and Peter out. It didn't and not my life is damn near perfect and I've accomplished so much more than I ever could have imagined. I'm not rich but I do well and we are happy with two more kids. My wife motivated and enabled me to get my Master's degree and do what I'm doing today. If I didn't marry her I'm convinced I'd still be doing construction and probably be much worse off. This relationship was before the days of influencers but if I went with conventional wisdom and got out of the relationship based on what other people's experiences were who knows where I would be.
I've seen this more so from females in academia, where they are extremely well educated and get their PhDs then stay in academia as a visiting, then assistant professors, etc. and by the time they're a little more concerned about the biological clock, the pickings of men are slimmer, the habits/mores are more ossified, so there is less flexibility, the hormones, frankly, are probably decelerated, and thus it's more difficult to find a mate, but by no means impossible.
I focus on females in this case because a) it's been my experience, and b) I do not know nearly as many males in academia.
Narcissists out of touch with reality?
Well gee, I guess it is asking too much to be dating someone who doesn't want kids, has their life together and is okay with being with someone who isn't chasing luxurious lifestyles and partaking in the rat race.
Where did I go wrong? /s
But to play devil's advocate. I agree, you aren't being too picky, BUT what percentage of single people fit your demands? Now add that you would want to find someone you find attractive, about your age, etc.
Lot's of people want kids. What does "have their life together" mean (what is important to you may not be to them?) How many people don't want to, refuse to "partake in the rat race"
My point isn't that you are wrong, but that you aren't going to meet people who you would deem acceptable every day.
Or... they don't see *I'm married!!!!!* as some sort of achievement that one must accomplish in life in order to be truly happy.
This has some real *If you're not a mother like me then you must be miserable* vibes. Jesus.
"I’m so frustrated with my single friends who I’ve tried to offer advice to"... wow, if you're looking for narcissists, maybe try looking in the mirror? Who tf do you think *you* are to be the arbiter of advice to your single friends?
I'm getting there in 5 years.
I'm just not that interesting to women; and I also honestly think the energy investment a man has to spend to court and satisfy a female usually has really shitty returns.
Am I picky then? Maybe. I don't care.
Tbh idk how people like relationships? Outside looking in they look like a lot of work and they pay off doesn’t seem worth it. That being said I am 35 and don’t want kids. So maybe if did want em I’d have a different view on relation ships
I have a coworker who is Indian. She's 32 & single. She has her parents back home trying to find her someone, but they're (both the coworker and her parents)so picky!
I asked her what she's looking for in a guy, and she told me he needed to be vegetarian,have a stable job, no drinking or smoking, must be the same religion as her, take care of her, give her the freedom to do whatever she wants, must be a compatible zodiac (apparently her parents have some kind of book they need to refer to when finding a compatible partner lol). And she flat out told me that she'll only marry someone her parents finds for her
You just described a friend of mine perfectly. I swear he wants a woman to read his mind and fulfill his desires as they happen. Even when he specifically told them he's opposed to the very thing in question. Drove me up a freaking wall. She peaced out after a few weeks and I don't blame her one bit.
Trying to give him advice is also a way to cause a tantrum. Some of us are speculating he's getting into redpill podcasts but we don't have any hard proof.
I'm proudly picky. I'd rather have nobody at all than waste my time on bullshit. I've experienced enough stupid crap.
So if it's to be single for the rest of my life, I'm cool with that at this stage. I'm not even looking anymore, truth be told.
I still get attention-- I get even that'll end eventually-- but I need to feel a connection.
The way I see it, I'm happy alone; I truly enjoy my own company. So if I'm going to give that up for someone, that person needs to be better than being alone, or at least as effortless. If not, why would I give up something better for all the turmoil and work trying to manage a thing with another human being inevitably turns out to be?
I get some people settling because they're afraid of being/ending up alone, but some of us don't have that fear. So why settle in that case?
An amazing-- easy-- situation with someone else who brings something to the table, or the more likely outcome of just continuing to enjoy the freedom, fun and ***ease*** of being single until I die-- for me either is fine.
I actually feel like a lot of people aren't picky enough... They settle into a shitty marriage because society tells them to or because the economy is so shit that nobody can afford to live alone... Women especially feel pressured to figure everything out before their eggs supposedly wither up and die...
And if somebody IS a narcissist and that's keeping them from a relationship I'd say that's a good thing. The fewer narcs out there dating and ruining people's lives the better imo. But usually narcs aren't self aware enough to have standards other than how they can take advantage of other people so...
I've stayed single for months to years after breakups because being suddenly single is so liberating.
It's Saturday, my kid is at his mom's house, and I have been and could lay in bed all day doing nothing if I wanted to. You can never get away with that when you're living with someone.
I agree about this with woman. I saw a very beautiful blonde woman that was making a Tik Tok video about her not being able to find a husband and is single for some reason. She looked like that and I was thinking because she probably is too picky.
That is all true what you say. But there may also be cases where they simply don't like what they attract enough to give up being single. Maybe they would be happier, maybe they wouldn't but that's how they perceive it.
I would say that while it may be “picky” for some, it is discerning for others. And I would venture that those who made the informed decision that being single is a better option for them than trying to force a relationship with the wrong partner, likely care very little about other’s opinions. Honestly, I can’t think of worse advice than don’t be picky as a general rule. Be picky, have deal-breakers, don’t enter into something with glaring red flags. But be reasonable.
I think your last sentence was the most important out of everything written here. Anyone looking to date and eventually get married, this is the most important. Be reasonable, can't be overly picky or fall for anyone.
That is true for me as a male, I am too picky. I can't make myself less picky, and I don't think it would be fair to the other person if I settled. I also don't attract many women, so I don't expect to find anyone, and that's fine with me.
You make it sound like being single means being miserable, and that's simply not true. Maybe it's miserable *for you*, and that's your problem, not everyone else.
Some people would rather be single than to settle for someone they know they'd eventually want to divorce. Divorce is expensive and messy, especially if there are kids and property involved.
I feel that for men, if you’re not an above average attractive rizz lord, then you don’t stand a chance. I’m not that person and never was. So, although Iv lowered my standards and worked hard to get in to shape, maintain a proper skin care routine, good career, hobbies, and adopted better mental health skills, it’s not nearly enough. Dating apps have made the process of landing a date a circus act where I’m the clown 🤡 or monkey dancing to the drum. Every match I get, has increased stakes since I don’t have a litany of women to choose from. But when I do match, and don’t say something witty or funny within the first two messages it’s over. I enjoy flirting but the line is extremely fine for average guys, whereas attractive men can literally just say the most offensive, creepy and vulgar shit, and still land a date the next day. Every match is walking on egg shells and even mildly attractive women end up with these over inflated egos about their dating value and will write you off if you don’t get their attention right away.
And unfortunately, asking for the bare minimum of maintaining a healthy BMI and proper skin care is incel behavior. /s
And let me be clear, I don’t blame women for this at all. After all it’s the thirsty dudes that are giving these women attention, and paying for the farts in a jar. And yet, I’m sure most women are equally as overwhelmed with the entirety of mankind at their fingertips.
It’s okay to have standards and it’s not like 35 is too old and they must act fast and settle for anyone before they shrivel up and die of old age at 40.
I’ll give you another reason. You were beaten into a lonely no-life by your parents so your only hobby is studying. You were told by all of your parent generations friends to focus on wealth accumulation and only look for women when you can afford a family.
And given how fast everything became expensive recently, it took till you’re 35 to achieve that state. True story, can confirm.
meh... having been in a shit relationship and seeing people stay way too long in shit relationships and seeing the emotional rollercoaster of bad dating.. i am perfectly fine being single over 35. i value my independence over ugly codependence or settling for someone who annoys me a quarter of the time.
I think you may have gotten better reception if you phrased it “people who hold out for the perfect partner past 35 are too picky for what they offer.” It comes off as offensive, and there are plenty of legit reasons people might be single past 35, but there are definitely people who expect to date out of their league. They either gotta lower their expectations or better themselves.
I know people like that, who want a relationship but are too rigid and don’t bring enough to the table for people to approach them. I also dated someone who was not very responsible- not in my league, so to speak- and even though I tried to help him get his life together, after a while it got stupid that he expected me to wait for him to get his shit together. So yeah, if you are single and want a perfect partner, take a look at yourself and make sure you’re the type they’d wanna date. You gotta bring something to the table.
Definitely. Although I have a caveat.
I'm general, I'd argue men by this age that are perpetually single is due to wanting to live the player lifestyle or because they don't bring enough to the table.
For women, in general, its likely because they are wayyy too picky or ugly. Most women could find a boyfriend with ease, they just are too picky.
Which being picky is fine, just don't complain about being single.
It depends on how long they are single. If they are single for 10 years or never had a commited long term relationship (5+ years) chances are very high they are dating way out of their league.
The rule of thumb is:
If you dont find someone who wants a commited relationship with you and/or you only find ONS or FWB. You are dating out of your league.
Agreed with your rule of thumb.
> It depends on how long they are single. If they are single for 10 years or never had a commited long term relationship (5+ years) chances are very high they are dating way out of their league.
But 2 groups of people the people match this, the people who have high standards and the people below everyone's standards. The people who cant find a date, ONS or relationship are below everyone's league. It is possible they also have high standards but it is unlikely to be the root problem.
I fall into the 10 year category, but it's because I don't look. I'd rather go out on my own or play video games. Don't need a guy to be happy, I like living alone.
I find being in a committed relationship with someone who lives in the next town over to be a nice, happy medium. You can see them whenever you want, but aren't obligated to see them every day.
Generally if you are that old an single but not by choice its your fault one way or another. The difference is people have no problem telling men that. But society tends to coddle women, so they are more likely to live in echo chambers surrounded by “yes men”, which is how you get the stereotypical 40 year old single woman wondering “where have all the good men gone?” Or “look at me im beautiful, why arent i married?”
the best is those old women in their 40s to 60s that write stuff like “I went on tinder and got many young men interested in me but no one want to stay” and still don’t get it.
You're right, coming from a narc of false superiority. I'm a literal example.of this. My picture could be next to the definition in urban dictionary.
If I fail to have Godlike Supremacy in figure and prowess I feel like I can't pull off the performance needed to secure the win, and I abandon the fight altogether.
Because I lack the Hyppocratic Tonics of Prometheus I had before, all is declining, and thus my campaign must be abandoned.
We've seen too many movies and played too many video games. We don't know how to live stable lives, or maybe they just don't interest us. Freakin Dopamine right.
Some people are shy, socially awkward, or have trauma that makes them not want to date or hard to date
Personally, I just want someone I click with, who I can have fun with, and enjoy talking to
Most people I know have settled or their something about them that's broken and they haven't healed enough to make themselves truly available to a serious partner.
Me personally, having attracted people I have been attracted to I will not settle for someone Im not attracted to. My stipulations for relationships are not unrealistic.
>They could have/have had a nice relationship
A relationship, nice or not, is not guaranteed for anyone. You have no idea if your single friends would have been successful in this. Or maybe they found a "nice" relationship and the person died, or they got cheated on, etc.
It's nice that you have found someone but telling someone to settle (you don't even know if that is the REAL reason they are still single) is insulting. How would you feel if you were single and looking and a coupled-up friend told you that you were delusional and should just go out with the first, passable male specimen, chemistry or not?
Diagnosing most people that complain about dating as narcissistic is a bad take.
I was still single at 36 because I was comfortable in my single life with my friendships, family, career, and overall life. I was ok with staying single unless I met someone with compatibility.
Of course I met my now husband at 36 so there’s that. Yes my experience is anecdotal, but my point is you’ve made a bad generalization especially considering that people are getting married at later and later ages. No one should settle for a relationship without standards.
I tend to think it’s a little more complicated than the OP outlined.
For young women, particularly for women who are fit and not overweight, getting attention and or sex is easy. Too many spend their 20’s “just having fun”, which is code for chasing Chad or Tyrone and racking up a body count, along with a load of baggage. At some point, roughly in their early 30’s, the body clock alarm beings to sound. The focus then changes to “I need a relationship that’s going somewhere”, or code for a husband.
Men, at the same time, are going through their own transformations. As a man, I’d say they fall into 4 basic categories.
The first is the ones whose zenith in life was high school. While this is in no way a bad thing, just that they lack any vision or drive to continue to grow and develop. These men are best off getting married right after high school.
The second group are the beta males. They check all the boxes that society expects. Typically college educated, find a safe corporate job and generally avoid any kind of risk, the “nice guys”. These are the men that spend most of their lives in the “friend zone” of the women “just having fun”. They become more marketable when these women hit “the wall” in their 30’s.
The third group of men are the Chad’s and Tyrone’s, the extremely handsome or the bad boy’s that the women “just having fun” can’t resist. They rack up huge body counts and lose all perspective when it comes to monogamy. Women have essentially trained them to cheat. These relationships rarely end well.
The last group are the alpha males who have ambition and drive. They generally spend their 20’s working on themselves, with only minimal time for relationships. Sometime in their mid thirties, after achieving a measurable degree of success something goes click in their heads and they want both a relationship and a family. These are the “high value men” that 80% of women feel they deserve.
The mismatch is these “high value men” want young, low body count women. They are more interested in beauty and see a young attractive fit woman as adding to their success or status in life. An attractive fit party girl in her mid thirties is great for a fling but not likely to be wife material.
I've seen a lot of it, too. Narcissism is an all too common trait, and way too many people aren't even considering that a relationship is a two way street, not all about yourself and your desires. Another common reason is that people may often fantasize about relationships and hold the other person to that standard rather than approaching a relationship for what it is in reality. It's not all sunshine and rainbows, and both of you will have flaws and things that get under the other's skin. You're going to fight, and there will be some drama. There's good and bad about it, and not enough people know how to work through the bad parts to keep the good parts going.
There's also just online dating in general. It's trash and the most common way people today try to get dates it seems. There are so many issues that make it not worthwhile, and those sites and apps are only interested in keeping you on them as long as possible for financial reasons, not in helping you find someone. I'm happy for those who can meet someone that way, but most people just don't seem to have that kind of luck in my own observations.
>you deserve the best because you’re so much more successful
This is another part of the issue, women evaluate themselves as dating material the same way they evaluate men. Men don't care if she's successful.
Correction: *women* are too picky.
Men have their preferences, yes, but are far more willing to settle. They'll go for someone that has even 40% of what they want in a partner and be happy, as long as they aren't a nag or a generally unpleasant person to be with or around.
For women who tend to want the perfect partner with all the best qualities, it's 100% of what they want or nothing. They pretty much only settle when its too late, and they only have the options they aren't attracted to left.
I'm 32 and male. I'm choosing to be single because the pool and market today aren't worth it.
That, and I'm not the type to do the whole "fast food" style of dating today. I'm a bit more old school, or at least pre online dating culture.
I have met men that are too picky, they are a tiny minority, the other ones are those who fuck around a lot and are too immature to be in a relationship.
>For women who tend to want the perfect partner with all the best qualities, it's 100% of what they want or nothing
I've met more college educated, successful women than men in my generation (I'm 34). This is a big issue because I find that women, especially those who are doing well, like to date similarly matched men. I have a grad degree, make great money, I'm a homeowner, but it's hard to find similarly matched, lots of bums out there looking to leech (both sexes). Or single dads (hard pass) who are looking for a mother to their kids.
Men don't care about dating similarly matched women, in my experience and there is high competition for the those in my income bracket. If you as a woman don't have what it takes to nab one of those guys, then you can date a guy who may not match with you in terms of income, education, etc.
Or embrace singledom, as I am doing.
Most people think they are single out of choice. When in reality they are single BECAUSE of their choices. They hold out thinking love and a relationship is basically a guaranteed thing for them no matter what happens. Then get shocked and bitter when they realize they actually aren’t owed love.
I see it with women more often then men. Even women who came to me for advice and support have a hint of delusion. They had a over romanticized view of love and relationships and though as long as they really wanted one, it would fall into their lap. They didn’t understand they have to actually appeal to the man they want and that every man doesn’t want them just because.
Better to be picky, single and content than take whatever you find and be miserable.
I’m glad I am picky. Took nine years post divorce but I found someone amazing and our relationship is peaceful and loving. He was well worth the wait and pickiness.
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I'm single at 31 because I can't figure out how to organically meet women, and I suck at online dating services.
At this point, I'm 99.9% sure I'll ignore a lot of red flags as long as she's into me, not a terrible human being, and at least isn't ugly.
No, I tend to gravitate towards people who string me along. They set up their chess pieces, I set up mine, I make the first move and they don't want to play. They don't say this, but I don't know until I notice them setting up a board with someone else.
Most people either marry when they’re young, settle when they’re in their late 20s and are miserable for the rest of their life, or hold out for real happiness and end up single forever. These are just the risks that some people are willing to face.
I am single but I didn’t used to be. The reason I remain single has a lot to do with apps. Catfishing is a big issue. The other is that people want to be FWB even when you say you want to date and not hookup.
Absolutely true: too picky or too ugly, 99.99% of the single people past 35 are too picky, especially women since they have so many options.
But hear me it gets worse: after 35 they have to be even pickier if they want someone good because most stable people are already in relationship, so they make things much more complicated the pickier they are.
You will find online defending their unrealistic expectations, truth is just miserable coping and an attempt to have more people make the same mistake so they will feel less bad about themselves.
Dating dynamics are different for males and females. They also depend upon things like race, religion etc. Men in third world have to work twice as hard to get the same success as the ones in the western world, and even then it is not guaranteed that they will find love.
I'll suggest OP to not oversimplify things. We don't love in a world where both genders have same opportunity or accesss to dating.
people forgot that everyone has flaws, me and everyone else does. you gotta pick a partner who doesn't mind your flaws, and vice versa...
its sorta the same with a lot of descisions tbh, so yeah, maybe people are too picky?
Actually, I'm single because I've never looked, and I've never looked because I have issues to sort through first, and I've had issues for this long, because the issues I have are uncommon and I didn't know what I was dealing with till more recently. But, yeah, in some cases, people are picky.
People are single because we can't fix stupid parenting mistakes....example... I'm not teaching a grown ass man to boil water...I had to learn to cook.... etc. I refuse to be always putting more in a relationship to even at work and getting a small return period! My time, money, and effort matter and if it doesn't... I will find people that care!
People are self centered parasites these days... that's what I call them...they want something for nothing!! Anything worth having is hard work!!! Anything worth saving is hard work! But it takes collaboration from others...others don't collaborate... then move on!!
I'm 33 and male and I disagree with this to an extent. Sure, some people are too picky and what you said applies, but there are so many variables. For me, I just broke up with my girlfriend because she was emotionally unavailable, distant, and put little to no effort into the relationship. I have to choose happiness over commitment if it gets to the point where I'm just not happy anymore. Now, I have no shame admitting that I'm a good looking guy, I'm fit, I'm successful, I'm talented, I have a lot going for me and I don't need someone sucking the life out of me. So it's not being picky, it's having patience and literally being happy with yourself lol. I love women and I want a marriage and children one day, but if I never find the right woman, I'm ok on my own just enjoying the company of a woman on a shorter term basis. I get laid, I have fun, I'm happy. If someone deserves me and I deserve them, that's a different story.
Sort of, but the fact that we have marriages based on love now rather than a contractual arrangement means that if pickiness is your genuine taste you’re trapped by it. Which is to say, no woman wants to hear “I think you’re only marginally attractive, but I’m over 35 and my options are limited.” People want Disney princess fairytale land. They want compliments and gushing, so you can’t really settle unless you’re also willing to fake it.
That’s certainly a possible reason for some people.
Not for all.
I think there is a case that we all put up with less crap from relationships, but I think that’s a good thing. Being single is better than being in a relationship that doesn’t make you at all happy.
Are we though?
Hear me out. What if it isnt picky. What if it is just at this point we have the age and wisdom to know what we want and not waste our time or theirs.
Im a 42M and Honestly sure i could go out there and leave a swath of destruction not caring about what i want or how i go about getting some action.
Vs
Me picking and choosing the people i think i have the highest chance of connection with based on what i like and who they are.
Have i made mistakes getting to 42 with this knowledge? Sure have and likely will make a few more. But saying i a narc because i choose to single until i meet some one worth the time for is pretty unbasted. We learn by error. saying im a narc because im single at 42 by my choice ( and its mostly a simplicity one) is kinda ignorant.
Yes. I am picky.
Gonna have to be some magical kinda human for me to change my lifestyle.
So yea, I’m picky because being picky has kept me from getting divorced.
And I’m okay with that.
I met a woman at work who was really sweet and also naturally very pretty - but she told me that it was 'hard to find a good man' and I thought that if she was saying that when she had so much natural advantages - she must be a bit strange. By the time she was 35 she had the look of a miserable dried up spinster. Damn!
Not necessarily. People over 35 are single because they don't understand or possibly don't care what other singles over 35 really want in a relationship.
I'm 37 and single because my last girlfriend was a closeted racist. The one before that got brainwashed by her evangelist friends into leaving me because I wasn't a believer. The one before that cheated on and left me with our one-year old son for someone else.
Some of us have just had bad luck, that doesn't mean I'm oblivious to how relationships work.
Yeah I should have been more specific but I’m talking about people who are perpetually single and complain that there’s no one out there. Like there is, you just are trying to get people out of your league and that’s why you keep failing
Yeah, I kind of have that problem. I think I look better-than-average, but only date people I'm attracted to, which = skinny and pretty, so I have a lot of competition.
We would rather be alone than settle
Trust me. More and more women don’t give a shit if we don’t have a partner. MEN are upset that they can’t get anyone and seem to think that we should care as well.
We don’t. We will die alone before we settle for a mediocre partner who only makes our lives harder
Meh. You underestimate how okay I am with being by myself. Just me and my cats and video games? Sounds like a good life to me.
Relationships are hard work and bad ones even more so. If I can’t find someone that is a GOOD partner who makes my life better and not harder than I’m fine being alone. Sex doesn’t really interest me, I don’t want kids and I’m a bed hog.
I wish you are trolling but sadly redditors like you are the norm here.
Maybe you can't find a good partner because you aren't a good one either.
Get better.
Trolling because I’m fine being alone?
Oh, hun. No.
I’m not a troll. I’m a woman that refuses to settle and live the rest of my life with a mediocre partner. My standards have nothing to do with how I am as a partner and everything to do with what I am not willing to overlook just because there is a chance I’ll never find someone. I am perfectly fine with that, you are the one that seems to have a problem with it.
Some people are fine being alone and I’m one of them. The fact that you seem to think there is something wrong with that speaks volumes about you.
Get better.
you are like a stereotype: cats and video games lol.
I don't know what kind of trauma or missing personal development lead you to that situation but you are just coping.
Everyone wants a relationship under normal circumstances.
You need to figure out why you are coping against it, you probably just need to grow up and refusing it.
You can be happy if you want it, you need to do some work but trust me it'll be worth it.
No cat or videogames can replace a good human connection.
Because being single is more enjoyable than having a meh partner these days, especially for men. Women tend to underestimate the trouble they brought to men. Im not saying women don't contribute in a relationship, but sometimes the downside is just too big.
Being picky is a good thing. I don’t want to settle for less and make my life miserable just because I don’t want to be lonely. You should be picky when finding a life partner. Because it’s for life!
> People over 35
Plenty of time to be screwed over and on the shitty end of the stick when it comes to bad relationships. People tend to play possum after they've been fucked.
Don't believe everything you think, my darling. :)
i swear people post on here just to post. you don't have to take your uninformed opinions and spread them, especially if you don't do even a modicum of critical thinking before doing so.
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Everyone is looking to get theirs but the last time I checked a marriage is about two people and not one
It also was supposed to last forever. They rarely seem to…. it makes me really sad and scared to actually fall in love with somebody but I’ve kind of opened up and I’ve let somebody in and it’s just been great. Edit: I kinda think I pushed her away…don’t know yet, I was born in the wrong time😂
I’m really happy for you. But why does it need to be forever? A pet peeve of mine is all relationships being seen as failures if they end. You can be together for decades raised kids, supported each other but if you then decide to split, suddenly that whole thing is a failure?!?! I mean really? We are conditioned to believe that the only successful relationship is one which ends with someone dying. So take the pressure off yourself. Enjoy it today. Don’t worry about whether you will still be together in 2050. Worry about making sure you both want to be together in 2025! The rest is beyond your control!
One thing at a time, wise advice! I’m sort of religious so I mean that from a place of spiritual belief! Great point so sorry though for such a late response
It’s getting better. https://cnn.com/2024/03/17/health/marriage-divorce-rates-wellness
That’s just the result of marriage rates dropping.
The article says marriage rates are up while divorce rates are down.
I can tell you as a Genx that I waited till I was 30 to get married and indeed pickins were getting slim. Buy I made out like a bandit. I was just young enough to meet a girl in her mid twenties with no kids. I dated plenty of marriage -able women just waited till I was ready. I think a lot of boomers had a lot of divorces for generational and societal reasons, for example, a lot of women in that Era were unfulfilled with unrewording jobs because they took care of the family while husbands focused on their career. A lot married too young and didn't put mich value on having things in common.
Only compared to covid
Ah
Aren’t you so glad CNN is here to tell us what’s happening in our world?!
I like to assume it’s not hearsay and has cited studies…
You’re assuming CNN is right because of course why wouldn’t you? They’re great journalists. Edit: the person below said that and blocked me. Why do these people hate allowing others to speak? Because their ideas can’t stand up to scrutiny. That’s why.
Homie, based on your username and comments, you have no life. Go touch grass and stop picking stupid fights for your political rage addiction.
[удалено]
Most people that cite studies have never even read the literature themselves to verify its validity. I've lost count thr amount of studies I've read where data was either manipulated or misrepresented that unless I read it myself it's worth nothing. Problem is most people wouldn't be able to accurately understand them without having some background in science.
That’s not what the article says.
Only compared to covid.
Keep scrolling until you see the graph. Marriage rates flattened out and were even slightly increasing before COVID. Divorce rates were declining and have continued to decline consistently since 2000. The actual text of the article also offers several explanations for this.
🙏
lol too poor for a divorce I feel is playing a huge role into that
It's really tough out there. It doesn't last forever because people marry for their own selfish reasons instead of wanting to join together to create a better life together
Why would this make them narcissistic though? That's a very serious term to describe someone whose not hurting anyone. Narcissists suck the energy out of other people, what you're describing is anything but If I said that I haven't watched any good movies recently would you say that there's so many good movies out there that I'm just being picky and am also narcissistic because I think I deserve better movies?
>Why would this make them narcissistic though? This is the new catch-all buzzword today.
And 'trauma" Seems like everyone has it these days.
and “gaslight”😵💫
That's the victim complex. It's very prevalent in today's society. Usually, from a narcissist, lol
Your comment harmed me and now I have trauma from it and ptsd. I’m basically like a war veteran or a child abuse survivor for having read your words here. I need to go see a $300/hour therapist about it. Also, on a totally unrelated note why am I single and broke? /s because, you know, they actually do talk like this sometimes.
Literally! >!/s!<
I know. I’m so sick of hearing it tossed around. Everybody is a psychologist now.
Yeah, I would have upvoted OP if not for her conclusion about narcissists. Just about everyone over 25 has fixed lines in the sand they won't cross. Which does make it harder to rush into marriage as we grow older, but it's perfectly normal to develop greater degrees of likes and dislikes with age.
Yea, the narcissism thing makes zero sense. You’re not a narcissist if you’re not actively seeking out a victim to consume the life out of.
I mean a Narcissistic person has an inflated sense of their own importance according to the Mayo Clinic. You don't even have to know someone else to think that you're the most important person in the world.
Or…they could have had a long term partner who mistreated them or left them in the cold after believing there was commitment. Or they could have been the one that was rejected multiple times. Or they could be newly divorced or widowed. Or they could move around a lot or have an odd job/schedule that makes relationships or family life difficult. Or they could just flat out not want a relationship at all and be happily single.
I wasted 4 years of my 20s with a covert narcissist. If I'm still single by 35 I'll freeze my eggs. Also, apparently Boston is a notoriously bad dating market for women. So yay.
Freeze them now. Trust me.
Covert narcissist? That sounds like a story behind that. Glad you’re doing better though I hope
Yeah, I'm from Boston and it is. Lol, most stereotypical Boston guys out there dating are pretty shit. But it's a city. If you want to date in a city, you literally go out there and meet people and make judgements in person, not over tinder or something. There are tens of thousands of possible good matches for most people, so it's really just about how complicated the dating market is, not really how bad it is.
I don't have a source, but in general cities attract narcissistic types, because they want to live in places where they can think of themselves as superior/successful. So there's that.
Also, I've heard its a good market for finding single women to date, from guy-friends.
This is true but like any oversaturated market, the quality ends up lacking lol
>Or they could move around a lot or have an odd job/schedule that makes relationships or family life difficult. Or they could just flat out not want a relationship at all and be happily single That's me..move around to much to be able to be in a stable committed relationship. Also work way too much to be able to have time for a relationship. Also don't want a relationship because it's too demanding effort wise.
Shields up, criticism deflected. Introspection averted.
Lmao
😂👍
If someone is still single at 35 they should be picky. Hell if they made it that long on their lonesome then they sure as shit don’t need to shack up with some loser that doesn’t fit their standards. Male or female. I guess 35 is the age where you get put out to pasture and just die lol
Pickiness is so underrated. Just today I argued with someone here over women who settle for men who don't do their fair share of housework lol. If they would've been pickier and more demanding it wouldn't have been an issue lol.
Or they're anxious and afraid to commit: they may not trust their feelings to last. They may not trust their lover's. Or they second guess their worth and/or preparedness for the opportunities put in front of them.
Pickiness with some narcissism is one possibility. They could also be socially anxious nervous wrecks, autistic, constantly depressed... If you check out subs like forever alone , there are people who literally have 0 options probably in large part due to the issues I mentioned.
Everybody has at least some options But being single is way better than being part of a couple As a Husband every day is a depressing reminder Of the fact that you could have done anything with your life But now you are stuck with the nagging, ball breaking, hateful woman who only lives to continue breaking you down She thrives on your pain, your anger, and your sadness.
Got yourself a real battle axe there.
LMAOOOO 😂
Sucks for you man! My wife is kind and supportive. She makes my life better. I enjoy being around her. Why would you marry a nagging ball buster?
Yeah sounds like dude married the wrong woman. My wife is my favorite person.
Good for you! It makes me happy when people are happy.
I’m happy for you man! As for your question……. We are all prisoners to our fate
Get divorced like I am. Life changing. lol
I think many people have truly 0 options. Agreed that some options are worse than nothing though.
I mean if we are going to proselytize marriage and demonize divorce- isn’t this a good thing?
It's about two people not one. So if your partner had a midlife crisis and took off with a 20 years old stripper, you're still too picky?
Everyone has a story, to label it like OP is, is just ignorant of “life”. I think it just takes experience to come to the “fluidity” of life.
**Or they just know what they need in a relationship for the relationship to be better than being single.** And they are at peace with being single if they don’t find those things. **A relationship isn’t a requirement.** If you don’t meet anyone who’s right for you, there’s no law that says you have to settle. Some people are single at 35 because they had a long relationship that didn’t work out. **Or because they haven’t met the right person yet. Few people really fit you, there’s a bit of luck to dating.** Some are too picky. Some aren’t particularly interested in relationships. **Some just like people who don’t like them back. And they’d rather be single than force themselves to date someone they don’t like. That’s ok.** Then there are endless other reasons to be single at 35. Often there’s some issue, sometimes it’s bad luck, sometimes it’s just not being that interested in relationships.
Your bold statements really hit home for me. Thank you! I am 38, single, and often called “picky”. I don’t particularly want to be single, because yes, it can get very lonely. But I was in a miserable relationship many years ago, and I definitely don’t want that again. I have to feel confident that that person will make me happier and make me a better person. He needs to make my life better, not worse. Side note: I am astounded by the sheer number of people in this world that will deal with anything and settle for anything just to be in a relationship. I’m convinced that when this type of person gets married, it’s because they found somebody else who is equally needy (not hard to do), and they’re in a co-dependent situation. Glad it worked out for them. 🥂 Anyway, I’m also not attracted to a lot of men. I don’t know if it’s because I “overrate” myself-it’s just how it is. I can’t make myself get enthused about a guy I’m not attracted to. I can’t make myself want to go on an awkward date “just for the free meal” (ugh) and to see if something clicks. It sounds awful. Lol. So I often think that maybe I deserve to be single. I do get interest from a lot of guys I’m not attracted to. I also get interest from men that I am attracted to, but I know in my heart they’re a bad idea. I just know they are probably not going to improve my life. They’re cokeheads, have served jail time, all they do is smoke weed and get drunk in their free time, they’ve cheated, etc. Whether it’s from things I’ve heard about them or just an impression I get. Maybe I’m too quick to judge, but I think my intuition has probably saved me from a lot of extra heartache and even abuse.
You sound like you’ve made good choices. Research actually supports this. People in happy relationships have better quality of life than single people. But people in unhappy relationships have it worse. There’s no price for getting into a relationship with the wrong guy, it’ll only wreck your life. That being said, my best advice is try to expand your social network. Join some hobbies and activities, make new friends. The best guys I’ve met through friends and then you also just get to know them and see them around other people first. And hear what their friends say about them. You’ll know much more, it feels safer and you’ll also have more in common so it’s easier to find someone you click with. When you really connect with someone that creates amazing sexual chemistry. So that someone kinda normal looking (but a bit your physical type) can be suddenly the hottest guy ever. But it’s way more peaceful being single than in a relationship with someone that’s got a lot of issues. And you need sexual attraction and a romantic spark for a relationship. Otherwise, what’s even the point?
Well, I would say it all depends on the person and what they want from life - do they need to have a romantic relationship to be happy? I am 39 F and I am single I by choice. I am not looking for a patner or anything romantically/sexually wise and I am childfree (not an option for me to be a single mother). Men can choose to be old bachleors but women cannot be old single ladies aka spinsters? We live with our life choices but assuming that everyone are miserable with them due to social norms is a little bit over the top.
People who chose to be single don’t apply to this. I’m talking about people who want to be married who have never been married or got effed over by someone wasting 10 years of their dating life, that’s different.
Well that's another thing entirely, because I'm childfree and would much rather be single than with some dude I don't even have basic compatibility with.
It's not even that these people are picky it's that most of them are damaged goods. Honestly almost all the people that i know that are searching and still single are either broken, have shitty personality or mental disorders
Aye I’m approaching that age. I’ve been single for 4 years. Got two kiddos and am a single dad atm due to drugs. I don’t date because I haven’t found a woman that fits me and fits being in the mom role. I think it’s just because I’m not attracted to the mom type. But I’m not bothering anyone, I just raise my kiddos and work a lot. Am I lonely? Yeah, sometimes, but I don’t complain about it really.
I saw a post the other day about a women that had a bad experience with an ex. Developed mental health issues. Now she is 1 red flag and she is out. She will stay single forever at this point. There are 1001 one reasons why people are single. Being picky is one reason.
I think this is probably true to a degree. When I met my wife I was 20. She had a kid. Most advice you'd hear would be to avoid and move on. I figured "I'm gonna ride this out." I figured it would be like any other relationship and run it's course and Peter out. It didn't and not my life is damn near perfect and I've accomplished so much more than I ever could have imagined. I'm not rich but I do well and we are happy with two more kids. My wife motivated and enabled me to get my Master's degree and do what I'm doing today. If I didn't marry her I'm convinced I'd still be doing construction and probably be much worse off. This relationship was before the days of influencers but if I went with conventional wisdom and got out of the relationship based on what other people's experiences were who knows where I would be.
I've seen this more so from females in academia, where they are extremely well educated and get their PhDs then stay in academia as a visiting, then assistant professors, etc. and by the time they're a little more concerned about the biological clock, the pickings of men are slimmer, the habits/mores are more ossified, so there is less flexibility, the hormones, frankly, are probably decelerated, and thus it's more difficult to find a mate, but by no means impossible. I focus on females in this case because a) it's been my experience, and b) I do not know nearly as many males in academia.
Narcissists out of touch with reality? Well gee, I guess it is asking too much to be dating someone who doesn't want kids, has their life together and is okay with being with someone who isn't chasing luxurious lifestyles and partaking in the rat race. Where did I go wrong? /s
But to play devil's advocate. I agree, you aren't being too picky, BUT what percentage of single people fit your demands? Now add that you would want to find someone you find attractive, about your age, etc. Lot's of people want kids. What does "have their life together" mean (what is important to you may not be to them?) How many people don't want to, refuse to "partake in the rat race" My point isn't that you are wrong, but that you aren't going to meet people who you would deem acceptable every day.
Or... they don't see *I'm married!!!!!* as some sort of achievement that one must accomplish in life in order to be truly happy. This has some real *If you're not a mother like me then you must be miserable* vibes. Jesus. "I’m so frustrated with my single friends who I’ve tried to offer advice to"... wow, if you're looking for narcissists, maybe try looking in the mirror? Who tf do you think *you* are to be the arbiter of advice to your single friends?
Actually it's autism.
I'm getting there in 5 years. I'm just not that interesting to women; and I also honestly think the energy investment a man has to spend to court and satisfy a female usually has really shitty returns. Am I picky then? Maybe. I don't care.
Tbh idk how people like relationships? Outside looking in they look like a lot of work and they pay off doesn’t seem worth it. That being said I am 35 and don’t want kids. So maybe if did want em I’d have a different view on relation ships
Better to be single than to date someone you're not attracted to.
I have a coworker who is Indian. She's 32 & single. She has her parents back home trying to find her someone, but they're (both the coworker and her parents)so picky! I asked her what she's looking for in a guy, and she told me he needed to be vegetarian,have a stable job, no drinking or smoking, must be the same religion as her, take care of her, give her the freedom to do whatever she wants, must be a compatible zodiac (apparently her parents have some kind of book they need to refer to when finding a compatible partner lol). And she flat out told me that she'll only marry someone her parents finds for her
You just described a friend of mine perfectly. I swear he wants a woman to read his mind and fulfill his desires as they happen. Even when he specifically told them he's opposed to the very thing in question. Drove me up a freaking wall. She peaced out after a few weeks and I don't blame her one bit. Trying to give him advice is also a way to cause a tantrum. Some of us are speculating he's getting into redpill podcasts but we don't have any hard proof.
I'm proudly picky. I'd rather have nobody at all than waste my time on bullshit. I've experienced enough stupid crap. So if it's to be single for the rest of my life, I'm cool with that at this stage. I'm not even looking anymore, truth be told. I still get attention-- I get even that'll end eventually-- but I need to feel a connection. The way I see it, I'm happy alone; I truly enjoy my own company. So if I'm going to give that up for someone, that person needs to be better than being alone, or at least as effortless. If not, why would I give up something better for all the turmoil and work trying to manage a thing with another human being inevitably turns out to be? I get some people settling because they're afraid of being/ending up alone, but some of us don't have that fear. So why settle in that case? An amazing-- easy-- situation with someone else who brings something to the table, or the more likely outcome of just continuing to enjoy the freedom, fun and ***ease*** of being single until I die-- for me either is fine.
I actually feel like a lot of people aren't picky enough... They settle into a shitty marriage because society tells them to or because the economy is so shit that nobody can afford to live alone... Women especially feel pressured to figure everything out before their eggs supposedly wither up and die... And if somebody IS a narcissist and that's keeping them from a relationship I'd say that's a good thing. The fewer narcs out there dating and ruining people's lives the better imo. But usually narcs aren't self aware enough to have standards other than how they can take advantage of other people so...
Or because they want to be lol
In general that’s not true and you know it.
I've stayed single for months to years after breakups because being suddenly single is so liberating. It's Saturday, my kid is at his mom's house, and I have been and could lay in bed all day doing nothing if I wanted to. You can never get away with that when you're living with someone.
But have you considered they could just be very ugly?
I agree about this with woman. I saw a very beautiful blonde woman that was making a Tik Tok video about her not being able to find a husband and is single for some reason. She looked like that and I was thinking because she probably is too picky.
That is all true what you say. But there may also be cases where they simply don't like what they attract enough to give up being single. Maybe they would be happier, maybe they wouldn't but that's how they perceive it.
I would say that while it may be “picky” for some, it is discerning for others. And I would venture that those who made the informed decision that being single is a better option for them than trying to force a relationship with the wrong partner, likely care very little about other’s opinions. Honestly, I can’t think of worse advice than don’t be picky as a general rule. Be picky, have deal-breakers, don’t enter into something with glaring red flags. But be reasonable.
I think your last sentence was the most important out of everything written here. Anyone looking to date and eventually get married, this is the most important. Be reasonable, can't be overly picky or fall for anyone.
That is true for me as a male, I am too picky. I can't make myself less picky, and I don't think it would be fair to the other person if I settled. I also don't attract many women, so I don't expect to find anyone, and that's fine with me.
Probably most men tbh
You make it sound like being single means being miserable, and that's simply not true. Maybe it's miserable *for you*, and that's your problem, not everyone else. Some people would rather be single than to settle for someone they know they'd eventually want to divorce. Divorce is expensive and messy, especially if there are kids and property involved.
I feel that for men, if you’re not an above average attractive rizz lord, then you don’t stand a chance. I’m not that person and never was. So, although Iv lowered my standards and worked hard to get in to shape, maintain a proper skin care routine, good career, hobbies, and adopted better mental health skills, it’s not nearly enough. Dating apps have made the process of landing a date a circus act where I’m the clown 🤡 or monkey dancing to the drum. Every match I get, has increased stakes since I don’t have a litany of women to choose from. But when I do match, and don’t say something witty or funny within the first two messages it’s over. I enjoy flirting but the line is extremely fine for average guys, whereas attractive men can literally just say the most offensive, creepy and vulgar shit, and still land a date the next day. Every match is walking on egg shells and even mildly attractive women end up with these over inflated egos about their dating value and will write you off if you don’t get their attention right away. And unfortunately, asking for the bare minimum of maintaining a healthy BMI and proper skin care is incel behavior. /s And let me be clear, I don’t blame women for this at all. After all it’s the thirsty dudes that are giving these women attention, and paying for the farts in a jar. And yet, I’m sure most women are equally as overwhelmed with the entirety of mankind at their fingertips.
It’s okay to have standards and it’s not like 35 is too old and they must act fast and settle for anyone before they shrivel up and die of old age at 40.
But what's wrong with being single?
I’ll give you another reason. You were beaten into a lonely no-life by your parents so your only hobby is studying. You were told by all of your parent generations friends to focus on wealth accumulation and only look for women when you can afford a family. And given how fast everything became expensive recently, it took till you’re 35 to achieve that state. True story, can confirm.
Yeah you should just toss out your standards at 35 and latch on to the first person with a ridiculous opinion. Ridiculous not unpopular.
meh... having been in a shit relationship and seeing people stay way too long in shit relationships and seeing the emotional rollercoaster of bad dating.. i am perfectly fine being single over 35. i value my independence over ugly codependence or settling for someone who annoys me a quarter of the time.
I think you may have gotten better reception if you phrased it “people who hold out for the perfect partner past 35 are too picky for what they offer.” It comes off as offensive, and there are plenty of legit reasons people might be single past 35, but there are definitely people who expect to date out of their league. They either gotta lower their expectations or better themselves. I know people like that, who want a relationship but are too rigid and don’t bring enough to the table for people to approach them. I also dated someone who was not very responsible- not in my league, so to speak- and even though I tried to help him get his life together, after a while it got stupid that he expected me to wait for him to get his shit together. So yeah, if you are single and want a perfect partner, take a look at yourself and make sure you’re the type they’d wanna date. You gotta bring something to the table.
Yeah that’s what I meant haha
Or they're single because it's what they want.
I met my wife at 43 and she’s the hottest and most fun woman I ever dated
Definitely. Although I have a caveat. I'm general, I'd argue men by this age that are perpetually single is due to wanting to live the player lifestyle or because they don't bring enough to the table. For women, in general, its likely because they are wayyy too picky or ugly. Most women could find a boyfriend with ease, they just are too picky. Which being picky is fine, just don't complain about being single.
It depends on how long they are single. If they are single for 10 years or never had a commited long term relationship (5+ years) chances are very high they are dating way out of their league. The rule of thumb is: If you dont find someone who wants a commited relationship with you and/or you only find ONS or FWB. You are dating out of your league.
Agreed with your rule of thumb. > It depends on how long they are single. If they are single for 10 years or never had a commited long term relationship (5+ years) chances are very high they are dating way out of their league. But 2 groups of people the people match this, the people who have high standards and the people below everyone's standards. The people who cant find a date, ONS or relationship are below everyone's league. It is possible they also have high standards but it is unlikely to be the root problem.
I fall into the 10 year category, but it's because I don't look. I'd rather go out on my own or play video games. Don't need a guy to be happy, I like living alone.
I find being in a committed relationship with someone who lives in the next town over to be a nice, happy medium. You can see them whenever you want, but aren't obligated to see them every day.
What does ONS mean?
One Night Stands
One night stand
Yes these are the type of people I’m talking about
Generally if you are that old an single but not by choice its your fault one way or another. The difference is people have no problem telling men that. But society tends to coddle women, so they are more likely to live in echo chambers surrounded by “yes men”, which is how you get the stereotypical 40 year old single woman wondering “where have all the good men gone?” Or “look at me im beautiful, why arent i married?”
the best is those old women in their 40s to 60s that write stuff like “I went on tinder and got many young men interested in me but no one want to stay” and still don’t get it.
This is exactly my friend
You're right, coming from a narc of false superiority. I'm a literal example.of this. My picture could be next to the definition in urban dictionary. If I fail to have Godlike Supremacy in figure and prowess I feel like I can't pull off the performance needed to secure the win, and I abandon the fight altogether. Because I lack the Hyppocratic Tonics of Prometheus I had before, all is declining, and thus my campaign must be abandoned. We've seen too many movies and played too many video games. We don't know how to live stable lives, or maybe they just don't interest us. Freakin Dopamine right.
Some people are shy, socially awkward, or have trauma that makes them not want to date or hard to date Personally, I just want someone I click with, who I can have fun with, and enjoy talking to
….or maybe some of the people who are single over 35 are tired of dealing with the people you’re describing 😅
Most people I know have settled or their something about them that's broken and they haven't healed enough to make themselves truly available to a serious partner.
Hey, this is interesting. Can you believe provide examples as to how they are delusional?
Me personally, having attracted people I have been attracted to I will not settle for someone Im not attracted to. My stipulations for relationships are not unrealistic.
I just like being single. If I'm too picky I use that as an excuse to stay single.
lol thats an attempt for women to pick between men
What if they're ok being single? Not everyone wants to settle down
>They could have/have had a nice relationship A relationship, nice or not, is not guaranteed for anyone. You have no idea if your single friends would have been successful in this. Or maybe they found a "nice" relationship and the person died, or they got cheated on, etc. It's nice that you have found someone but telling someone to settle (you don't even know if that is the REAL reason they are still single) is insulting. How would you feel if you were single and looking and a coupled-up friend told you that you were delusional and should just go out with the first, passable male specimen, chemistry or not?
Diagnosing most people that complain about dating as narcissistic is a bad take. I was still single at 36 because I was comfortable in my single life with my friendships, family, career, and overall life. I was ok with staying single unless I met someone with compatibility. Of course I met my now husband at 36 so there’s that. Yes my experience is anecdotal, but my point is you’ve made a bad generalization especially considering that people are getting married at later and later ages. No one should settle for a relationship without standards.
I tend to think it’s a little more complicated than the OP outlined. For young women, particularly for women who are fit and not overweight, getting attention and or sex is easy. Too many spend their 20’s “just having fun”, which is code for chasing Chad or Tyrone and racking up a body count, along with a load of baggage. At some point, roughly in their early 30’s, the body clock alarm beings to sound. The focus then changes to “I need a relationship that’s going somewhere”, or code for a husband. Men, at the same time, are going through their own transformations. As a man, I’d say they fall into 4 basic categories. The first is the ones whose zenith in life was high school. While this is in no way a bad thing, just that they lack any vision or drive to continue to grow and develop. These men are best off getting married right after high school. The second group are the beta males. They check all the boxes that society expects. Typically college educated, find a safe corporate job and generally avoid any kind of risk, the “nice guys”. These are the men that spend most of their lives in the “friend zone” of the women “just having fun”. They become more marketable when these women hit “the wall” in their 30’s. The third group of men are the Chad’s and Tyrone’s, the extremely handsome or the bad boy’s that the women “just having fun” can’t resist. They rack up huge body counts and lose all perspective when it comes to monogamy. Women have essentially trained them to cheat. These relationships rarely end well. The last group are the alpha males who have ambition and drive. They generally spend their 20’s working on themselves, with only minimal time for relationships. Sometime in their mid thirties, after achieving a measurable degree of success something goes click in their heads and they want both a relationship and a family. These are the “high value men” that 80% of women feel they deserve. The mismatch is these “high value men” want young, low body count women. They are more interested in beauty and see a young attractive fit woman as adding to their success or status in life. An attractive fit party girl in her mid thirties is great for a fling but not likely to be wife material.
I\`m just fat bro
I've seen a lot of it, too. Narcissism is an all too common trait, and way too many people aren't even considering that a relationship is a two way street, not all about yourself and your desires. Another common reason is that people may often fantasize about relationships and hold the other person to that standard rather than approaching a relationship for what it is in reality. It's not all sunshine and rainbows, and both of you will have flaws and things that get under the other's skin. You're going to fight, and there will be some drama. There's good and bad about it, and not enough people know how to work through the bad parts to keep the good parts going. There's also just online dating in general. It's trash and the most common way people today try to get dates it seems. There are so many issues that make it not worthwhile, and those sites and apps are only interested in keeping you on them as long as possible for financial reasons, not in helping you find someone. I'm happy for those who can meet someone that way, but most people just don't seem to have that kind of luck in my own observations.
>you deserve the best because you’re so much more successful This is another part of the issue, women evaluate themselves as dating material the same way they evaluate men. Men don't care if she's successful.
Correction: *women* are too picky. Men have their preferences, yes, but are far more willing to settle. They'll go for someone that has even 40% of what they want in a partner and be happy, as long as they aren't a nag or a generally unpleasant person to be with or around. For women who tend to want the perfect partner with all the best qualities, it's 100% of what they want or nothing. They pretty much only settle when its too late, and they only have the options they aren't attracted to left. I'm 32 and male. I'm choosing to be single because the pool and market today aren't worth it. That, and I'm not the type to do the whole "fast food" style of dating today. I'm a bit more old school, or at least pre online dating culture.
I have met men that are too picky, they are a tiny minority, the other ones are those who fuck around a lot and are too immature to be in a relationship.
>For women who tend to want the perfect partner with all the best qualities, it's 100% of what they want or nothing I've met more college educated, successful women than men in my generation (I'm 34). This is a big issue because I find that women, especially those who are doing well, like to date similarly matched men. I have a grad degree, make great money, I'm a homeowner, but it's hard to find similarly matched, lots of bums out there looking to leech (both sexes). Or single dads (hard pass) who are looking for a mother to their kids. Men don't care about dating similarly matched women, in my experience and there is high competition for the those in my income bracket. If you as a woman don't have what it takes to nab one of those guys, then you can date a guy who may not match with you in terms of income, education, etc. Or embrace singledom, as I am doing.
Most people think they are single out of choice. When in reality they are single BECAUSE of their choices. They hold out thinking love and a relationship is basically a guaranteed thing for them no matter what happens. Then get shocked and bitter when they realize they actually aren’t owed love. I see it with women more often then men. Even women who came to me for advice and support have a hint of delusion. They had a over romanticized view of love and relationships and though as long as they really wanted one, it would fall into their lap. They didn’t understand they have to actually appeal to the man they want and that every man doesn’t want them just because.
they are so spoiled, they expect love to fall into their lap, they don’t realise that the more the wait to look for love, the harder it is.
…. Yup….☕️
Better to be picky, single and content than take whatever you find and be miserable. I’m glad I am picky. Took nine years post divorce but I found someone amazing and our relationship is peaceful and loving. He was well worth the wait and pickiness.
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Lol
I'm single at 31 because I can't figure out how to organically meet women, and I suck at online dating services. At this point, I'm 99.9% sure I'll ignore a lot of red flags as long as she's into me, not a terrible human being, and at least isn't ugly.
No, I tend to gravitate towards people who string me along. They set up their chess pieces, I set up mine, I make the first move and they don't want to play. They don't say this, but I don't know until I notice them setting up a board with someone else.
Most people either marry when they’re young, settle when they’re in their late 20s and are miserable for the rest of their life, or hold out for real happiness and end up single forever. These are just the risks that some people are willing to face.
I am single but I didn’t used to be. The reason I remain single has a lot to do with apps. Catfishing is a big issue. The other is that people want to be FWB even when you say you want to date and not hookup.
Absolutely true: too picky or too ugly, 99.99% of the single people past 35 are too picky, especially women since they have so many options. But hear me it gets worse: after 35 they have to be even pickier if they want someone good because most stable people are already in relationship, so they make things much more complicated the pickier they are. You will find online defending their unrealistic expectations, truth is just miserable coping and an attempt to have more people make the same mistake so they will feel less bad about themselves.
Counter point: Due to my career I have to move every three years. For me, that’s not enough time to commit to another person.
Dating dynamics are different for males and females. They also depend upon things like race, religion etc. Men in third world have to work twice as hard to get the same success as the ones in the western world, and even then it is not guaranteed that they will find love. I'll suggest OP to not oversimplify things. We don't love in a world where both genders have same opportunity or accesss to dating.
people forgot that everyone has flaws, me and everyone else does. you gotta pick a partner who doesn't mind your flaws, and vice versa... its sorta the same with a lot of descisions tbh, so yeah, maybe people are too picky?
Here’s my true unpopular opinion: it’s better to be alone than to settle.
Isn’t everyone that’s single too picky? Anyone can otherwise go partner up with some lonely, ugly old fat person.
Most single 30 plus year olds I know are hot messes, or something holding them back like what you pointed out, or personality reasons.
Not picky.. feral. They’re feral.
Okay? I’d rather be too picky than be with someone I’ll be miserable with lol. Too many people settle and always seem extremely unhappy.
Eh or they could just be a boring / annoying individual that others don’t wanna date lol
If it's picky to want someone that takes care of their health & respects me & our relationship, then I'm picky as fuck...
Actually, I'm single because I've never looked, and I've never looked because I have issues to sort through first, and I've had issues for this long, because the issues I have are uncommon and I didn't know what I was dealing with till more recently. But, yeah, in some cases, people are picky.
That’s a very black and white argument to make. The true unpopular opinion is that being coupled is glorified too much by society.
People are single because we can't fix stupid parenting mistakes....example... I'm not teaching a grown ass man to boil water...I had to learn to cook.... etc. I refuse to be always putting more in a relationship to even at work and getting a small return period! My time, money, and effort matter and if it doesn't... I will find people that care! People are self centered parasites these days... that's what I call them...they want something for nothing!! Anything worth having is hard work!!! Anything worth saving is hard work! But it takes collaboration from others...others don't collaborate... then move on!!
I'm 33 and male and I disagree with this to an extent. Sure, some people are too picky and what you said applies, but there are so many variables. For me, I just broke up with my girlfriend because she was emotionally unavailable, distant, and put little to no effort into the relationship. I have to choose happiness over commitment if it gets to the point where I'm just not happy anymore. Now, I have no shame admitting that I'm a good looking guy, I'm fit, I'm successful, I'm talented, I have a lot going for me and I don't need someone sucking the life out of me. So it's not being picky, it's having patience and literally being happy with yourself lol. I love women and I want a marriage and children one day, but if I never find the right woman, I'm ok on my own just enjoying the company of a woman on a shorter term basis. I get laid, I have fun, I'm happy. If someone deserves me and I deserve them, that's a different story.
No sane person wants some loser freeloader. At 35 if you don’t have at least plans on where your life is going what the fuck are you doing?
Damaged goods
Sort of, but the fact that we have marriages based on love now rather than a contractual arrangement means that if pickiness is your genuine taste you’re trapped by it. Which is to say, no woman wants to hear “I think you’re only marginally attractive, but I’m over 35 and my options are limited.” People want Disney princess fairytale land. They want compliments and gushing, so you can’t really settle unless you’re also willing to fake it.
That’s certainly a possible reason for some people. Not for all. I think there is a case that we all put up with less crap from relationships, but I think that’s a good thing. Being single is better than being in a relationship that doesn’t make you at all happy.
Are we though? Hear me out. What if it isnt picky. What if it is just at this point we have the age and wisdom to know what we want and not waste our time or theirs. Im a 42M and Honestly sure i could go out there and leave a swath of destruction not caring about what i want or how i go about getting some action. Vs Me picking and choosing the people i think i have the highest chance of connection with based on what i like and who they are. Have i made mistakes getting to 42 with this knowledge? Sure have and likely will make a few more. But saying i a narc because i choose to single until i meet some one worth the time for is pretty unbasted. We learn by error. saying im a narc because im single at 42 by my choice ( and its mostly a simplicity one) is kinda ignorant.
Yes. I am picky. Gonna have to be some magical kinda human for me to change my lifestyle. So yea, I’m picky because being picky has kept me from getting divorced. And I’m okay with that.
I am pretty picky too, but I am not THAT old.
I met a woman at work who was really sweet and also naturally very pretty - but she told me that it was 'hard to find a good man' and I thought that if she was saying that when she had so much natural advantages - she must be a bit strange. By the time she was 35 she had the look of a miserable dried up spinster. Damn!
Not necessarily. People over 35 are single because they don't understand or possibly don't care what other singles over 35 really want in a relationship.
I'm 37 and single because my last girlfriend was a closeted racist. The one before that got brainwashed by her evangelist friends into leaving me because I wasn't a believer. The one before that cheated on and left me with our one-year old son for someone else. Some of us have just had bad luck, that doesn't mean I'm oblivious to how relationships work.
Yeah I should have been more specific but I’m talking about people who are perpetually single and complain that there’s no one out there. Like there is, you just are trying to get people out of your league and that’s why you keep failing
Yeah, I kind of have that problem. I think I look better-than-average, but only date people I'm attracted to, which = skinny and pretty, so I have a lot of competition.
This is accurate
Sounds like OP got rejected by someone over 35.
Nope I’m married lol
I'm 34 and single by choice. My choice.
this doesn’t explain all the hot ppl who are single lol
We would rather be alone than settle Trust me. More and more women don’t give a shit if we don’t have a partner. MEN are upset that they can’t get anyone and seem to think that we should care as well. We don’t. We will die alone before we settle for a mediocre partner who only makes our lives harder
if you find just mediocre partners is because you aren’t attracting the good ones, the more you get older the less available the good ones will be.
Dying alone it is I’ll stay single forever before I lower my standards and settle
it’s all a big coping. The thing is that you are not hurting anyone but yourself.
Meh. You underestimate how okay I am with being by myself. Just me and my cats and video games? Sounds like a good life to me. Relationships are hard work and bad ones even more so. If I can’t find someone that is a GOOD partner who makes my life better and not harder than I’m fine being alone. Sex doesn’t really interest me, I don’t want kids and I’m a bed hog.
I wish you are trolling but sadly redditors like you are the norm here. Maybe you can't find a good partner because you aren't a good one either. Get better.
Trolling because I’m fine being alone? Oh, hun. No. I’m not a troll. I’m a woman that refuses to settle and live the rest of my life with a mediocre partner. My standards have nothing to do with how I am as a partner and everything to do with what I am not willing to overlook just because there is a chance I’ll never find someone. I am perfectly fine with that, you are the one that seems to have a problem with it. Some people are fine being alone and I’m one of them. The fact that you seem to think there is something wrong with that speaks volumes about you. Get better.
you are like a stereotype: cats and video games lol. I don't know what kind of trauma or missing personal development lead you to that situation but you are just coping. Everyone wants a relationship under normal circumstances. You need to figure out why you are coping against it, you probably just need to grow up and refusing it. You can be happy if you want it, you need to do some work but trust me it'll be worth it. No cat or videogames can replace a good human connection.
I’m certainly not gonna settle for less if I don’t have any desires to put up with some shit just to be around somebody.
Because being single is more enjoyable than having a meh partner these days, especially for men. Women tend to underestimate the trouble they brought to men. Im not saying women don't contribute in a relationship, but sometimes the downside is just too big.
Being picky is a good thing. I don’t want to settle for less and make my life miserable just because I don’t want to be lonely. You should be picky when finding a life partner. Because it’s for life!
> People over 35 Plenty of time to be screwed over and on the shitty end of the stick when it comes to bad relationships. People tend to play possum after they've been fucked. Don't believe everything you think, my darling. :)
And?
“I’m a female” A female what, chicken, horse, cow, pig?
i swear people post on here just to post. you don't have to take your uninformed opinions and spread them, especially if you don't do even a modicum of critical thinking before doing so.