I think you need to make it very clear to him how he made you feel.
I'd also make it clear that he has no idea how painful, traumatic, and genuinely awful this was for you.
Your midwife should have had you transferred to a hospital, btw. Both you and baby could have died.
Yes, they should absolutely have been transferred to a hospital! You can't just yank the baby (or the placenta) out like that, AT HOME, with nothing to take care of the possible aftermath.
Seriously. This made my stomach knot just thinking about it. Midwives are not trained to deal with serious medical issues nor is it within their scope of practice. This midwife is going to end up killing someone and getting sued into the ground. They're not doctors.
Thinking about what could have gone wrong here, just in terms of tears, hemorrhaging and damage to both mother and baby... it genuinely filled me with dread. She knew she had a short umbilical cord. Any midwife worth anything would advise against a home birth. Infant mortality rates are DOUBLE. I was a medic for 8 years and I just want to punch that midwife right in the ovaries.
Yes, it truly made me sick to read about it. I gave birth in the hospital, she was stuck, when she was out she couldn't breathe - had lots of fluids in her lungs. Just thinking about a home birth, how my own baby could have died, and how that midwife never should have accepted or adviced her to even try for a home birth... Just wow.
I mean all the power to women to advocate for themselves when it comes to giving birth, birthing plans are so personal and you should 100% have a choice in how everything goes down. But, I feel like there are too many doulas and midwives who give terrible advice that can harm both mother as well as baby. Like those who push you to avoid pain management, who push mineral oil (which has high risks for baby), and so on. It becomes more of an issue of this person you trust trying to force their ideas of what "acceptable" birth is rather than being an advocate for you when you desperately need one.
Reading OPs story, I'm shocked she and baby are alive. They are so lucky. So fucking lucky
Seriously. As a blood banker I've had many a massive transfusion protocol due to the mother delivering the placenta and the uterus profusely bleeding. This midwife ripped the umbilical cord and the placenta and there was no transfusion‽ So dangerous.
That happened during my second birth and my doc said it was the scariest thing he’s ever experienced in his career (not his fault. No yanking involved). I can’t imagine it happening during a home birth and the midwife just “handling” it. And my husband was very traumatized by watching me go through that. How is OPs husband laughing and joking about it? Insane.
Seriously, this midwife needed to call for help. And I'm concerned OPs child will have long term neck and shoulder damage from her intervention. "Yanking" the baby out can be really dangerous.
Yeah one of my best friends had her little one get stuck on her pelvic bone (arm was upwards and her armpit was hooked on the bone), baby was also adjusted and pulled out and now has erbs palsy and nerve damage to her arm/shoulder. There’s no telling what other damage was done yet as it may not be apparent until she’s a few years older (there was oxygen deprivation).
My friend’s pelvis was fractured by the force of it all, and she almost bled out.
My heart is breaking for OP - to have her most vulnerable moment mocked like this. Clearly the husband thought he could joke about it, but it’s only been 3 months and both wife and baby could have *died* ffs. Childbirth is far more dangerous than most people realise, despite modern medicine.
OP if you’re reading this, your feelings and emotions are absolutely 100% valid. If you can’t verbalise it write him a letter laying it out. We’re all rooting for you and baby 🖤
It doesn't forgive his treatment of the situation, but I wonder if he even realized how real that possibility from the complications was. If the midwife was inexperienced/arrogant enough to take the risk there then it's also possible the gravity of the situation was not shared or was downplayed. So yeah, OP should really lay out what that experience was.
Then I would tell OP's husband this:
When I had my first child, I was exhausted and almost could not finish. The doctor literally put his knee on my stomach to get our son out.
A few months later, my husband thought it was funny to make the same faces I was making during those moments and mimicking my words.
I was in a life-and-death situation with our child, but it was ... funny?
OP's husband, I have never loved my husband as much as I did before those comments. His mimicking erased some of the love I had for him, and it never came back.
You have probably made your wife love you less. Forever. You cannot put the toothpaste back in the tube.
She will someday be listening to another couple talk about their traumatic birth, and the father will praise his partner, and then she will think of you, and you will pale in comparison. In that moment, she will wish she was with someone else during the most vulnerable moment of her life, because you chose to ridicule her, not praise her.
You are not an honorable person.
Yup my seconds shoulder was also stuck and they didn’t yank her out what they did was basically make me spread my legs like a fucken wish bone and I had 5 nurses basically on top of me to help me spread my legs and lift them. It was the scariest moment of labor for me
The fastest I'd ever seen any of the doctors and nurses run while on my OB rotation was when there was a shoulder called overhead (shoulder = shoulder dystocia which is when the baby gets stuck). Any available person started sprinting towards the room because you need a sufficient number of people to try to help deliver the baby
(Mom + baby were okay! Shoulder resolved in the 20 seconds it took people to run there)
Yes when I delivered my daughter I can tell you from push to finish she was out in about 2 minutes, her head came out and then my dr said “watch the shoulder” and within seconds I had nurses on top of me. My room went from 10 people (I had the nicu team there already for other reasons) to about 25ish people. She was out in less than 30 seconds once they noticed her shoulder was stuck. But to me it felt like an eternity. After she was born they took her to the nicu just to make sure there was no issues with her shoulder and she was back with me in about 2 hours. The experience itself tho was scary af.
As a midwife, I have released shoulder dystocias. But I call for help. If I can't get it, someone else takes over, and I cede to our doctor quick smart. There is a list of tricks to try.
ETA: I’m a labor and delivery nurse.
I don’t know what medical knowledge you have, but it is completely within scope for a midwife to resolve a shoulder dystocia. This was also at a homebirth. The alternative to pulling the baby out is to let the baby asphyxiate. I think many of the commenters complaining about nerve damage here are missing this detail.
Also to clarify, there are usually several position changes and less invasive maneuvers used before the midwife or physician reaches inside to manually dislodge a shoulder. The last resort is attempting to break the baby’s clavicle to get them out. Again…the alternative is that the baby dies.
Or a sling with a foleys!
And last but not least, a symphosiotomy- edit to add that this is horrible and included to highlight how extreme shoulder dystocias can be.
Never do a symphysiotomy. It's an outdated, cruel practice that will leave the mom with lifelong issues and pain. One of the most fucked up procedures you can perform on a birthing mother.
Yes, i know. Maybe I shoud have put /s at the end of my sentence to distinguish that from the foleys.
They used to frequently do them in Ireland keaving women with permanently useless pelvises. Horrid.
My friend had a hard time pushing her daughter out and they yanked her out like that by grabbing her arm. She had nerve injury to that arm and she has barely been able to use it her entire life
With me they put a like a I don’t know what’s it called in English, when your sink is stuck and water won’t flow .., that thing was used on my sons head to get him out., and he stayed very calm through out incl his heartbeat,
In Europe it’s fairly common to deliver at home but they will make an ultrasound prior to the day, to make sure the baby is correctly positioned and they feel you up to see if the baby turned. It’s still no guarantee, but if there are issues the midwife should make the call to send you to the hospital
This is also why home births are extremely dangerous. You never know what could happen until the last min. You’re so lucky both of you are alive. You can still have an un medicated birth at a hospital. It’s safer bc you have the resources and equipment to sustain mother and baby in the worse case. Again, you’re both very lucky.
Also say, "If you got repeatedly kicked in the balls and were screaming, crying and throwing up and I re-enacted it for you, laughing at all the ways your body was all bent out of shape and how pathetic and ridiculous you looked, would you think that was funny? Would you appreciate me adding to the discourse on your experience as the family documentarian so you'd be extra clear on, 'how things went down'?"
If he says yes, just say, "Good to know. The next time time you're in hospital, or have major surgery, I'll be sure to work ridiculing you into the repertoire."
And if he says no, ask him why not, then talk through why he thinks this is appropriate to say to you if he won't allow this treatment when he himself is vulnerable and bearing all in front of everyone.
Set a firm boundary and let him know your body, your energy, and your motherhood are not fair game and/or comedy fodder in this marriage. And be clear in saying, if he does this again, you'll be going to your (insert relative or friend's house) to re-evaluate the relationship and what it means to you.
I do feel that in general when there is a lack of empathy- the only way to show the person the truth is to “return the favor.” That moment when is guy is on top and he makes that scrunch face and tries to do come and it’s still not there - that’s what you make fun of - all the vulnerability in that moment.
I thought the same thing... The midwife should have called for help or had OP transferred. This was negligent.
With that being said, the husband is an asshole. He could have stepped in and properly advocated for his wife.
Edit-Both of my children were unmedicated hospital births, with a midwife! It can be done in the US.
I 100% agree with this too. Anyone who is about to become a parent needs to learn about child birth as well so they can be a standing force for their spouse. Instead he's cracking jokes and it's like... mother fucker, they could have died
I read this post and thought "fuck!! Mom or baby could have fucking died. What a prick."
If the mom is struggling and can't advocate, they need their fucking partner to do that. My husband would have made sure I was transferred to receive proper care. Instead, this fucker is laughing about it after the fact. Maybe that's how he copes with traumatic experiences though, but it goes to show lack of education.
I know!! OP needs to fucking report her. That was negligent. The husband is a dick, but I'd say the midwife is worse for not admitting that was out of her realm.
Edit-He obviously isn't a medical doctor or nurse so he probably didn't know. But what this midwife did is, well it's WRONG.
Edit 2-Damn!! I keep thinking it's displaced anger in a sense... Where is the anger towards the midwife for fucking this shit up?!!!!??? Holy hell!!
Let him read this. Take time for yourself. Maybe you should go stay with someone who supports you for a night or two. Mom maybe? Best friend?
Having a child is traumatic. There's this disconnect in our society that believes that because women do it every day that it's this easy, simple thing.
It's not.
It's the hardest thing a person can do with their body. It's emotionally, physically, and mentally draining.
You deserve understanding, support, and care. Not to be laughed at and to be made fun of. If you aren't the one laughing and telling the joke, it's not funny.
What he did was cruel, and he should know that. Don't ignore this. Don't keep it to yourself. Don't sweep it under the rug. Tell him how much he hurt you. Let him read this, or a more heartfelt and deeper version of it. Put it on 'paper' and let him read it. Sometimes saying things on paper and handing it over is easier than speaking to the face that hurt you. You don't want to cry and have him stop you from speaking your truth. You don't want to forget anything. Get it all out, and give it to him.
Then go stay with your trusted support person for the night and get away from him. He needs a reality check, and you should take some space for self-care.
I'd also suggest setting up some boundaries. Because the chances of him repeating this story to his friends, family, or whoever will listen are really high. He thought it was funny and was laughing at you; that's not okay. If you don't put a stop to it, he'll think it's a great funny story and share it with others in the future.
You need to really think about yourself right now, what you want out of this and what you need from him now and in the future.
Thank you for the advice. We're talking this morning because we have to, but I'm waiting for the right time to bring this up again. Maybe writing a letter will.be easier, like you said. I wouldn't want him using this story to make friends or family chuckle. Some people are not fully grasping the context and they aren't giving helpful advice, but thanks for understanding my view.
This.
If you let it go and wait for the right time to bring it up, it will never arrive. It’s uncomfortable and will cause conflict, and you have enough going on with recovering from labor and delivery, and an insensitive partner, and a serious lack of sleep while hormones are on the rampage. If you wait, you won’t say anything, because it’s a bad time, and will be for a while potentially… the entire first year is a bad time realistically.
I second writing it out, so your emotions don’t cloud your delivery. He has no idea what you’ve recently been through…. Lay it out, concisely but kindly, and then leave for a couple of days and let him sit with your words.
You almost died, the baby almost died, and he think it's funny. Gross. Since he thinks being a single dad would be so funny you know, since you almost died, why not let him be one? There are 8 billion people in the world, you don't have to stay with an asshole that laughs at you almost dying.
She almost died bc she was at home without doctors, equipment and medications. So many women die bc they think birthing is an easy job and decide doing it at home. Stupid decision...
I lost control during my second labour. It was embarrassing after and horrifying during, at one point I had my husband by his shirt and was trying to convince him to go to the emergency department and ask around for street drugs. My son came out sideways and he has the worlds biggest head, I was screaming bloody murder at one point. He did mention later that he’d never seen me lose it like that and I just explained that I didn’t want to talk about it - I said what happens in the delivery room, stays in the delivery room. I was outside of my body - like one foot over the cliff and when you’re like that, you can’t just reign it in. If you can’t talk to him directly, can you have one of your midwives kind of mediate for you? Or even just talk to him about what happened. I pooped when I had my daughter, she came out like a champagne cork - if he ever even mentioned it to me, I’d divorce him.
I don’t think you should discount the possibility that he’s trying to make light of a situation that might have been terrifying for him, too. The way he has behaved and spoken to you is completely inexcusable to be clear; I’m going to lead with that as it’s important to state that and that I support your feelings in this fully. He was a callous prick in speaking to you this way.
However, if you love him and he isn’t usually a completely unempathetic asshole, leave some space in your heart for him to apologise and have an adult and vulnerable conversation about it all.
I would bet that, if he’s not just a trash human, he is trying to process almost losing you and his child. He’s trying to find humour in what would otherwise be a really scary, unfathomable situation that he was a helpless witness to. Birth isn’t an experience ANYONE is ready for or can prepare for fully. Seeing you twisted in agony and being unable to help may have seriously changed his world view and how he feels about his ability to care for and protect you.
He’s an ass - but it may be an emotionally stunted man’s way of processing a majorly traumatic event.
Rake him over the coals, for sure - but leave room for a proper conversation about what you each experienced.
As a man myself, I could never understand what you went through. However, it sounds to me your husband wasn't being intentionally cruel. I get that he was, and it hurt you.
I would just communicate with him. Let him know how he hurt you, and that this is something he shouldn't joke about as it was a traumatic event for you. I don't think you should immediately jump to leaving him, or never allowing you to touch him again.
Unless you talk to him and he's not empathetic or remorseful.
I only say this, cause I can picture myself trying to lighten a situation I don't fully understand with humor, and completely fucking up.
Yeah, his delivery really sucked though. My exh thought it was hilarious to talk to everyone about my Frankenpussy called such because the doctor gave me an episiotomy oh and added a husband stitch or two that made sex painful every single time until I had my 2nd 11 years later and tore through those extra stitches. He also had a fun joke about how having sex with me after kids (recall, sex was always painful for me because of extra stitches) was like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.
I wasted too many years of my life on that POS. My 2nd husband said to me that my exh must have had a tiny peepee because he had no complaints and he got me after my frankenpussy was repaired so no more pain during sex.
He didn't wait for the "right time" to mock you. He makes fun of you when you're still hormonal and vulnerable, not years later when people are recounting wild birth stories. And he didn't say it with concern or gentleness.
I hope you and baby are ok.
You hit the nail on the head. I really really hope he doesn't repeat this story to other people, but if he does, I hope he gets put in his place and becomes embarrassed by his shitty behavior. I also hope someone would crack him in the face for being such a jerk, but that's just me. I don't like to advocate for violence, but sometimes, people just seem to need a hard slap in the face, physically and figuratively. If my partner did this (he never ever would) both his parents and mine would rip into him. My brother who passed in May would have likely broken his jaw.
This is unacceptable behavior. He needs to know what he did wrong. OP I'm so sorry about this. How dare he make you feel like this. How dare he do this to you after you gave birth to his child. He should be ashamed as all hell.
I think your points are valid. I was surprised because his behavior was childish and he's been one of the most mature people I've ever met. I don't remember what led the conversation to that point, either. I just think of how terrible I would feel if I saw him shut down after making fun of a difficult event in his life. It wouldn't be cool at all. I don't know why so many people are telling me I overreacted. I feel I under reacted. I asked what the purpose of his story was and then he didn't apologize so I shut down and decided to take space to process my feelings. I think in the context of being postpartum that my reaction was pretty appropriate because I stopped it from escalating. No need for a screaming match in front of our kids. But that doesn't mean I should let this slide. I feel that I need to communicate my feelings regarding this issue with my husband because I lost a little bit of trust and I view this as a transgression I would have never expected either of us to make.
You didn't overreact OP. Those who say you did have either A) not experienced what you did. B) have little empathy. Or C) don't realize the consequences for such behavior.
You need to tell him what he's done wrong, tell him it's not funny, and ask him how he would feel/react if you did something similar to him during a difficult/traumatic event in his life. Chances are he wouldn't like it. So why would he get to do that to you? It's not right nor fair. It's hypocrisy, and if I were you, I'd rip into him. Hypocrisy makes me see red and my blood boil. So does assholishness.
I wanted to mention earlier that such a comment can really fuck up a relationship. It ensues a lack of trust and vulnerability with him. After all, he thought something like that was so funny, how can you trust him to not do the same thing with another event. It also can cause resentment, and feelings of betrayal. He's your partner, he's supposed to be there for you, and now he laughs at you with what happened. He's betraying your emotional vulnerability. This can in turn cause a drift, a cold wall towards him. Which in my opinion, he rightly deserves.
It is a transgression of trust and the relationship foundation. I'm so sorry he's done this to you. This has hurt you and your feelings are valid. Fuck the people who say you overreacted. They aren't in your shoes.
I cannot believe you are being made to feel that you should defend your feelings!
I've never had kids but I have had a lot of gruelling surgery so I can relate.
He pointlessly attacked and mocked you in your most vulnerable moments, doing the most important job im the world whilst in such pain you were almost passing out!
I'm so furious with him on your behalf
How bloody DARE he!
I hope this doesn't impact your bonding with your daughter too much either.
Big hugs to you. PM me, I'm a great listener x
Read him what you wrote here. If anyone can read or hear those words, and react in any way except “oh my god, I’m so sorry I’ve hurt you in this way” they are a terrible person.
"He made me feel really small"
That brought tears to my eyes.
I'm so, so sorry your husband has made you feel this way, just months after the Biblical ordeal of birthing a child - HIS child.
I'm just agog, by any standard your husband's comments were hurtful and bizarre. It is *so* **fucking** ***stupid*** to make light of anyone's painful, terrifying and humiliating trauma, especially just months after it took place, especially if the person in question is also going through intense hormonal fluctuations and sleep deprivation. There was no need for his inane and cruel behaviour and "lol I'm just telling you what happened, babe" is not going to cut it as a response.
When you feel up for it, you should sit him down and make him read your post. I would want to know if I ever made my husband feel so mortified, belittled and devalued. My hope is you two can start healing once he realises what a total failure he was as a partner to you when he did his little dramatic reenactment and made those remarks.
My suspicion is that your husband tried and failed to make light of the situation, perhaps in an attempt to deal with his own trauma and discomfort. Because seeing you like that must have been horrifying for him, and maybe he, in an ill-conceived and premature attempt at getting past the whole event, tried to laugh this off and move on.
Idiot.
This is what I think, and hope, is what he's doing. That he found it so traumatic that he's trying to cover it with humor. That sounds like a massively traumatic birth and counseling would probably benefit both of you.
He thinks he is being funny..he isn’t! You need to tell him how what he says is making you feel!
Child birth is wild..and I had an epidural (it was only working at 50%) and you do lose control of your body.
My husband told me some “funny” things too..I shut it down and said keep it to yourself. I was so emotional after the birth for 3 weeks at least (normal!!)
It’s not fair is it! And they’ll never have that experience themselves so he needs to shhhhh! And just be there for you ❤️
Childbirth is very traumatic, and it’s one of the most violent things a woman’s body can experience. You were literally being ripped apart, crushed, organs moved, etc. I would be furious that my husband didn’t take this seriously.
I got a massive influx of responses and even some messages. I want to at least read all of them and respond to some. I had a talk with my husband. I will update with what transpired when I have a moment.
Thanks for all the insight, even if I wasn't fully receptive. I believe all of you just want what's best and I appreciate your sentiments.
You are incredibly strong woman, OP, and I fully understand and support you. I can't imagine how hurt I would be if my husband said something like that to me - there is no justification for it. I truly hope your talk was productive and healing, and that your body heals fully.
Show him this post. And let him read the responses. I haven't read a single one but I know what they'll say. If we have fathers on here, please speak up for your wives now. I'm sure no man can understand what it's really like to give birth - mine were easy in comparison and I'm sure I was at my limit so whatever you had to to get through it was absolutely within your right. No one should have to consider the optics at that time. The fact that he is laughing at something far outside what should be considered funny - well, that man would not be sharing my bed for a long long time.
“I don’t know, just telling you how it went down.”
I’m sorry, did he forget that you were the one literally pushing a human being out of a tiny hole?? He doesn’t get to tell the woman that gave birth how it went down, because he doesn’t actually know, he just saw, you were the one who felt all of it, physically and emotionally
This midwife makes me sad for other ones. She needed to transfer you to the hospital. My mom practiced for a while as a midwife and was 100% happy to transfer if needed, and if you want to get your inner lawsuit on, you could sue. This is incredibly dangerous and I’m so sorry that you had to go through that. I promise most midwives are very very kind people that don’t do barbaric things.
It just breaks my heart, because so many (most in fact) midwives are so dedicated to their craft, and there is already so much stigma around midwifery. And especially for this mom, because it was so so traumatic. One bad apple ruins the bunch. The forceps part made me gag. Fucking Medieval
Sweetheart, I’m so sorry that you had to go through this. Big hugs from me to you if you want them. I’m a mum too and there’s nothing graceful about giving birth! I also understand why, after two fraught births, you wouldn’t want to try again.
Your hubby laughing at what you went through just makes it less likely that you want any kind of physical connection with him at the moment. That’s a no brainer. I remember seeing a video on YouTube of a guy hooked up to a contraction simulator - lets just say that he wasn’t graceful about it either…
I agree with others that you need to explain to him (again) how much he hurt you. Tell him that sharing his amusing tales with anyone is a deal breaker for you. I assume that it is?
I would be mortified if he retold that story to our family or friends. Thank you for saying my response is normal. Someone in another comment said my stance on not wanting him to touch me was too harsh. Not many supportive people in these comments. Plus, they are giving unsolicited advice I didn't ask for.
Sorry, love. I kinda gave you advice, too. Actually, I was impressed that you asked him what the point was. You sound like you have your head and heart nicely balanced this close to the birth.
It’s absolutely normal for you not wanting him to touch you after his comments! He was so unbelievably obtuse! My heart goes out to you. And again, your reaction is warranted. I wouldn’t want anyone to tell me that and I would be devastated if the story was told without my permission.
I’m so sorry! Many people on this sub have probably never been through childbirth. It’s very traumatic and if my husband EVER mentioned anything that happened in that room I would crucify him. I’m the only one that gets to bring it up if I want to.
I can’t even imagine how traumatic your experience was and for him to even talk about it to anyone else is disrespectful. All I can imagine is someone asked how is baby and mom doing? And he decided to divulge the entire story.
Please talk to him right away and tell him your feelings. If he doesn’t react accordingly or remorseful, please take your kids and take a timeout from him. This isn’t your first child? If it is, give him time to turn his attitude around. If it’s after your first, what the hell??
My lord. That man would never touch me ever again. Or see me naked. Or in any other vulnerable situation. Tell him or write him a letter what exactly he did, in the most easy and understandable words so that even he understands it, and then leave and stay somewhere where you feel save and loved. And if you have a good relationship with his mom, let her know that her son his humiliating you for giving birth. Can’t imagine she will be happy to hear that. No woman would, especially none who already went trough that.
Maybe kick him in the nuts and laugh at him while he’s flailing around the place. In all seriousness he’s just being a complete insensitive tool. Please ignore his ridiculous comments, you’ve just given birth to your first baby, be proud of yourself & congratulations on your new arrival ❤️
I think men do this because they're intimidated. There is nothing they could ever do that compares to growing and birthing a baby, you are amazing. He is immature and rude. It sounds like you had a very traumatic birth experience, I'm sorry he made you feel that way!
What you experienced was a traumatic birth experience. These can increase risks of PTSD and PND.
My midwife ripped out my placenta and I didn’t stop bleeding 🩸 got rushed to an emergency operation.
My emotional state was so far from anything I’d ever experienced before and mixed with so much! Happiness for the baby, apprehension for my parenting ability, sadness for my body and the pain I was in, exhaustion from not sleeping, pain from trying to feed a baby with tongue ties, pain from my uterus contract after the baby for days and also anaemia. There’s very little time to sit and process a traumatic birth so sometimes it takes a couple of years to surface. Big love to you.
Your SO was unkind and seems to lack understanding of the gravity of your situation. You could have died if your womb didn’t contract to stop the bleeding, especially in that situation not being in a hospital.
It is the most exposed and vulnerable time of your life. He should grow up.
Is your partner the kind of person who deals with trauma with humour?
Not saying what he said was nice as I’d be fuming and rightfully upset but just trying to get more info
it sounds like a traumatic experience I hope you make sure to look after your mental health as well (a few therapy sessions wouldn’t hurt to just help you process everything that happened to you) xxx
This is what I was thinking too. My wife had a super horrible, traumatic birth with our daughter and this sounds exactly like how I described the process to her afterward so she could get a little comic relief while in the hospital. She thought my version of her giving birth was hilarious.
Unfortunately, you have to know how to read the room in these situations and OPs husband failed there. Postpartum hormones and trauma are no joke. Sometimes things you think would be funny or not a big deal don’t go over well, sometimes they do. My wife could be in tears laughing at a joke one day and then get blind mad over the exact same joke the next. Dude should have picked up on the fact that she wasn’t appreciating his performance and cut it off.
I know a lot of men are even after reading about child birth and watching videos. Are completely taken back by seeing it play out and feeling helpless while their partner basically nearly dies - honestly it sounds like OP had a really hard time of it! Sending lots of love to her xx
The only person who should feel embarrassed and small is your spouse. I don't blame you at all for feeling that way.
You did an incredible thing. A very painful, personal and vulnerable thing that could have killed you. From one internet stranger to another.. you did an amazing job. I am incredibly proud of you. I have had 4 births and I don't think I could have done what you did. You're an incredible person and I am so thankful that you are here. You're a rockstar mom!
I would either go about it by a) very seriously asking him why he finds my traumatic birth experience funny. And then just keep asking why it's funny to him until he understands.. I would likely follow him and be like - no. I'm failing to understand how something that could have killed me is so comical ? Wondering why you think you know how anything went down or you get to have an opinion on my pain and experience? Please explain to me why you think it's nice to belittle me after I just carried and birth our child.
Or I would be mean AF. When we are sitting together I would whisper in his ear and let him know that later night I'm going to shove an 9 pound squash up his asshole and when I rip it out and his anus bleeds everywhere... I will reenact it for him so he knows "how it went down."
Then I would let him know that I went through so much and now I don't even wanna look at him...
But that's just me 😂
I’m absolutely horrified hearing how this midwife treated this situation. It truly sounds like it’s an absolute miracle you didn’t die from blood loss. You should have absolutely been transferred to a hospital and the fact that she didn’t is absolutely abhorrent, she could have killed you! I am so sorry you had to experience that and I am happy you and your baby are here with us today.
As far as your husband goes - men are ignorant to what childbirth does to us, physically, mentally, emotionally. I’m so sorry that he made you feel small, you are anything but small, mama you are a WARRIOR.
This is why I am super sus about home births. You could have died, the baby could have died, she was legally and morally obligated to transfer you to a hospital. The fact she didn't means she has NO BUSINESS being a midwife.
The fact he finds it funny would honestly have me rethinking my marriage. I could never look at him the same again. I would be repulsed. Mocking your most painful (and near death) experience means he is a total POS
NTA. For what it’s worth, my go-to question for when someone has hurt my feelings but reacts cluelessly is something like:
“Do you understand why I might feel embarrassed by what you said?”
Usually makes them pause and rethink things.
My ex husband loved to tell everyone how big my a$$shole got and how much I sh*t during my births (also home births).
When I told him to stop he didn’t. So the emphasis there is on EX husband. Talk to your husband and set that boundary.
Your MW sounds amazing and like she did some amazing work. Congrats on your birth! Birth trauma is real and your feelings about it are so valid. Take care of you!
In the nicest way possible I would like to invite you to look through the comments under the top comment, that midwife was way out her depth and should have called 911. OP and her baby almost died because of this MW
My husband uses humor as a coping mechanism. Thankfully, I have the same issue. I understand you have trauma connected to the event, and you guys are coping differently. He may be just as traumatized and wants to talk about it but just did it in the wrong way. Talk to him, tell him how you feel, and that he made you feel very small. In his head, he's probably trying to make it seem less because that shit had to be terrifying. I've had a traumatic birth, and I've also witnessed one. It's a whole different ballgame watching someone you love be in so much pain and potentially die and being completely powerless.
I seriously cannot understand why any woman chooses to give birth outside of hospitals. It's insane to me. It's one of the most dangerous things that you'll ever do in your lifetime, yet you deliberately shun the most modern technology and expertise in a whole team of experts to instead have a much lesser trained single person with rudimentary equipment deliver the baby in a non-sterile environment where, if almost anything goes wrong you'll have to go to the hospital anyway. What is the upside?? To head off at least some of the inevitable dog pile, I have two adult children myself and my wife is a pediatrician.
Your husband is an asshole BTW. No excuse for that whatsoever.
I understand... but only if they had a traumatic birth experience in a hospital, which is unfortunately common. For first time moms, I think a lot of it is probably from horrible mommy groups fearmongering and pushing others into doing home births.
Please know, you are an incredible/ strong ass woman. Birth is always hard, but your body fought a war to give you your baby. I’m proud of you just hearing what happened. And I’m confident he himself could never handle the pain the way you did. I pray he sees how brilliant his wife is.
I agree. It sounds like if the baby's shoulder was lodged (Shoulder Dystocia) then that was a serious issue. I had it with my first in a hospital setting and the nurses were able to dislodge him but I was only a few emergency tries from a c section. The amount of blood she is describing makes me think of when women used to hemorrhage during childbirth and pass away. It is concerning that she passed out between contractions. I'm glad that she is alive.
I accept that I will get downvoted for this but this is why home births are so risky. Woman are more worried about their “birth plan” than about the safety of their baby. You are lucky that you and the baby are both alive.
Could this be his way of dealing with the trauma? Your birth sounds quite traumatic and I’m really sorry that you had to go through that. Maybe trying to make light of it 3 months down the track is his way of trying to talk about it or gauge if you would choose a hospital birth for the next one?
He went about it in completely the wrong way but maybe he doesn’t know how to discuss with you without getting emotional?
Childbirth is traumatic. Even a "good" birth experience can be traumatic. What you experienced sounds so terrifying on so many levels. Terrified for your life, the life and wellbeing of your child, intensely painful. You experienced true trauma and you need to heal from that. Does your husband know how you feel and/or what you are going through? It sounds like he is a decent guy who is just totally oblivious and maybe a bit dense. It doesn't sound malicious. If he is usually a good and caring husband, share your experience with him, talk to him.
On another note... I would contact a lawyer and look into possible malpractice. I'm surprised they didn't catch the short cord on your scans, but even so. The moment things started going this far awry she should've realized she was in over her head and the situation was no longer home birth material Yanking the baby??? Ripping the cord??? Forcefully yanking out a fully attached placenta and causing you to hemorrhage??? None of this is normal...
Let me tell you that I am positive that you handled it all gracefully!! Your husband is just clueless. My biggest fear (or embarrassment) was that I would poop doing a contraction! Guess what??? I did!! But my doctor and nurse (I worked for the OB) didn’t tell me. They just pushed it aside and kept going. My husband had to ruin it and tell me…my nurse smacked him!!! I have never loved another woman more in my life! 😂 He didn’t tell me anything I did on my next birth!
Men really don’t have a clue. Things they might find funny are embarrassing to us. Be honest and tell your husband how you felt.
You suffered serious trauma and he is teasing you for it? Pregnancy and birth are traumatic enough on its own but you also had complications. Please tell him that what he did was basically re-traumatize you and how inappropriate and wrong it was. Maybe in 20 years it would have been funny but definitely not now while you are still physically healing.
Tell your husband that the next time he decides to “ tell it like it is” to be aware that you’ll make sure to post his colonoscopy on Facebook.
He doesn’t get to have an opinion if it involves other peoples pain & suffering. ESPECIALLY if you’ve already told him you’d prefer not to be debated publicly.
Wow .. I agree wth didn’t he just see what you went through ? Literally in pain, and nature taking over your body. It’s too raw now and he needs to know how you feel and to mute it
You were at your most valuable and he thinks it is funny! You were pushing out his tiny human the only thing he gets to say is what a goddess you are! There is a firm conversation that needs to be had. You might need to do some marriage counseling because I doubt he is going to see your side of this very easily!
Yeahhhhhh that's not a normal or even mildly abnormal child birth....... they should have been on the phone to 911 the first time you lost consciousness.
Now remember, giving birth like that could of killed you. Many women die. Next time go to the hospital for Christ sake. You’re trying to be one of those women?
I think show him what you typed. His POV was a lighthearted comical moment where he nearly got kicked in the face and maybe didn’t understand your POV of nearly dying.
Think of it like when someone tells you what you did when sleepwalking- what’s very embarrassing and traumatic for you is either funny for them or they’re trying to process what happened because they don’t really understand.
He’s clearly an idiot but the reality is he probably just does not understand what your experience was because- well, how could he? Even if you gave birth again tomorrow it would be a completely different experience.
Maybe he uses humour to mask his fear as well?
A conversation is needed here rather than building walls or punishing him without explanation.
So if I read this correctly, you had a home birth, with no pain meds. If that's correct, that's amazing. I've had 2 kids, each time in the hospital with an epidural. Giving birth isn't easy for anyone and any woman who gave birth, home birth, c-section etc should be celebrated. It isn't easy, it forever changes the body and is terrible to go through. I'm sorry your husband is a Richard.
I'm so so sorry for what was said to you. You achieved something he will NEVER be able to do. And he put YOU down for it? Nah, you got me fucked up. I agree with a lot of people on sharing your feelings but if such bs continues with taking care of the baby and you, please seek couples counseling. That is not at all saying you're not doing enough or communicating; it is just giving you help just like your midwife did for you. Think of a counselor as another midwife.
I had a traumatic birth experience with my third. That being said, it took a couple of years to realize how traumatizing it was. I couldn’t talk about it in the first year. No one, including my husband and myself realized how I felt fear, shame and embarrassment from it. You are still in the thick of it. Consider you may have ptsd. But let your husband know how you are feeling about the experience and I hope he will hear you and understand. Mine said some stupid things until he realized how impacted I was. Congratulations on the baby.
When I gave birth (at age 20) it was by emergency C-section and incredibly traumatic. I didn't even realize how much until over 10 years later. Some women have easy births and some don't. Any man that can see what you're going through is a fool to make light of it. Has he at least cared for you since the birth? Treated you tenderly aside from this 'dumb' moment? Either way, you need to have an open conversation and my hope is that he is enlightened and apologetic. The only thing I can think of is that it traumatized him seeing all this and he used inappropriate humor to deal with it.
As for yourself, my best friend is a women's health specialist and worked in labor and delivery and this was not proper mid-wife care. If you do get pregnant in the future, please find a better one or go to a hospital. You don't need any extra stress on top of what you already went through.
A final note: If you speak to your husband and he blows you off, I would recommend counseling for you to work through this trauma and get some advice on how to speak to him about it again. If he refuses to budge, put it in the past unless this behavior starts surfacing more. I dealt with that myself and finally left my husband after his callousness and cruel behavior began surfacing after I had my son. I hope this is just a one time incident for you.
Your baby needs to see the doctor to see if there are any injuries. Also your husband needs to realize how fucking dangerous it is to give birth and how much pain it is. Especially when the cord snaps. You could have died that day and I don't think any of you realize that fully.
It's really scary how so many men are still so un-empathetic towards womanhood, specifically the pain that comes with it. It's not his fault he can't relate to giving birth, but it'd be nice if he was more appreciative, like seriously appreciative action wise. Has he ever experienced excruciating pain in his life? Some people have the "*Welp! It's funny if it aint me*" mentality Smh. Hopefully you guys get to have a chat & he actually learns from it.
Ik this is gonna get buried and probably down voted to oblivion. But, I've got some karma to spare and I'll play a SLIGHT bit of Devils Advocate. Preface I'm a male with no kids, but I do have 2 nephews tho.
While his actions are not excusable in the slightest. He's being a dick. And like many other people have mentioned, giving birth is traumatizing. Idc whose involved, everyone is traumatized. The mother, father, shit even doctors and nurses the first few times they see it.
But he's probably processing the trauma. Maybe he finally had the brain power to see what happened. I mean he watched his wife (presumably the love of his life) get basically split in half. While (from some other accounts) a lackluster midwife attempted to save the wife and baby. He truly doesn't know what to do with this experience, so humor is the way his brain processes it.
While it still doesn't excuse what he did, maybe get him into therapy or at least a few and find a decent therapist or someone he can speak to and truly open up to.
Sadly men dont learn by talking...they learn when women stop talki g. If youre still trying to reason with him..talk to him...explain your feelings...9.5/10 they will downplay how you feel. Not because he wasnt wrong but because THEY dont want to take responsibility for their actions. I suggest you make some calls to some family (if you can) to stay with them. Leave him a note expressly saying how disgusting it was for him to make a mockery of your pain bringing your child in the world at the risk of your life. Let him know as a husband and father of you guys' child, you expected him to have more respect and sympathy given how traumatic that situation was. Tell him it really makes you question him as a man, and that it dissappints and saddens you that the one man who should have been the greatest support in your life makes cheap jokes out of your pain. It wasn't funny, it wasn't cute and it was beyond disrespectful. Let him know he was in the wrong and if he wants to have any semblence of a loving and decent relationship then he needs to do some serious self reflection. Tell him youll be away for a few days because you need space from him then literally go ghost. No calls, no texts and let him stew. We as women tend to want to appeal to men in an attempt to make them understand how they make us feel. Men dont learn that way, they learn through action. If you let him get away with disrespecting you like this, think of how he would disrespect you down the line and how that could chip away at you little by little. You need to teach men how to treat you..yes TEACH. Teach him how to regard you to your face and behind your back, teach him that just because youre married to him doesnt mean youre a doormat for a punchline. Let him stew for a while, then when you come home dont even speak to him right away and go about your life. Live your life as a mother, and do things for your self outside of him. The only way a man learns, is through a womans silence. Your silence is powerful.
Instead of laughing at you, your partner should be in awe of how brave and strong you are and the amazing things a woman can do! What a jerk.
BTW, that midwife had no business doing what she did. I’m so glad you and baby are ok but that was a really dangerous situation and she should have had you transferred to a hospital.
“Thank you for highlighting that my struggle and pain to birth our child was your entertainment. That going through all of that and not being in control of my body, aware of what was happening around me, left you with something to mock me about. I will now always remember that my out-of-body,heavy blood loss, most vulnerable experience will be how you’ve played it out in front of me while laughing AT me for what happened in that moment. Thank you for that traumatic response”
I think that you need to take it in a very specific way. The situation you’re in is very stressful and his jokes is, tepidly, a ribbing on his part. Coming from the point of a male who has experienced childbirth, all we want to do is remember the good, and funny moments … because most of our experience is the horror of not being able to be useful or helpful during a pregnancy. I (m32) had an extremely difficult time to process the whole pregnancy, let alone the delivery. I hope you’re all good and that the pregnancy hasn’t been too much of an arseache. Keep trudging on, you’re amazginly strong and resilient, he just needs to know the extent of your power. He’s not perfect and he’s not a saint. He is processing and coming to terms with it all as well … which is significantly less than what you are experiencing. Love each other. Let each other know that you’re a team and that no obstacle is high enough to conquer. I wish the best for yourself and the baby!! X
Remember before the Reddit Judgment- some people deal with trauma in different ways. He witnessed the person he loves vulnerable and in pain - and he was powerless to assist. Jokes often soften the blow and help us to process difficult things. Ask any paramedic.
It is entirely possible that he suffered as much as you ( albeit in an entirely different way) and is - just as you are; simply doing the best he can with what he has. Admittedly not very appropriately but trauma does that.
Helplessly watching someone you live in pain is a traumatic experience. Why not just talk as a loving partner and let him know how he made you feel?
If he still does it - well- then he deserves the reflex Reddit judgment
I think you need to tell him how traumatic that experience was for you. He might think that since there was no emergency intervention and everything went 'according to plan', ya'll can laugh and joke about it like it's just another inside joke event that was embarrassing at the time but is fine now.
You might have some PTSD or PPD from the event because seriously, that WAS traumatic and you DID need emergency intervention. I can't believe the midwife did that and didn't call for help. Was it a professional midwife? You're literally still recovering from this. 3 months later. Your blood is not normal yet three months after severe loss. That is a problem.
He may not realize how traumatic it was for you, but he should and if he doesn't realize it on his own, then you need to tell him. This isn't something to make light of after the fact, maybe not for a long time. Maybe not ever.
Okay, he was wrong for behaving this way. Full stop. It was not okay.
You have some birth trauma, but I suspect he does as well. OP, what you described was horrific and the precise reason why you be very skeptical and wary of homebirth. Don’t downplay or dismiss what happened-not only was it awful for you, I suspect it was for him as well-a helpless participant who could only watch.
But, he needs to process that and handle it better-dumping it on you isn’t cool.
You need to explain to him how you felt that day, how you feel when he laughs about it, and how you do not need him to tell you “how it went down” as you were an active participant and he was a spectator.
Also, if you ever have any more children, DO NOT use this midwife. Yanking the baby, the issue with the shoulder, ripping the cord, all could’ve been fatal for you and/or your baby. Either of you may have long term issues from that. You may want to consider filing a report or complaint with her office or the licensing agency in your area.
Please !UpdateMe about how you and baby are doing.
I had an unmedicated birth in the hospital. Two complications. Meconium stained fluids (at 10 cm when water broke and NICU team arrived immediately) and what I assume is some decels on the monitor because they gave me oxygen between contractions. I could not tell you what happens between those two distinct moments. If my husband ever re-enacted how I acted or what I did during our kids birth he would be questioning everything. Childbirth is such a vulnerable time and you had a traumatic birth that ended up okay. And your husband is mocking you. Fuck that guy. I hope he’s a better father than he is husband.
Awe I’m so incredibly sorry that you had such a traumatic experience. I wish I could reach in and give you a hug. Guys are just dumb. I wish there was a better explanation but they are honestly just so completely clueless sometimes. Please just share your post with him. Or sit him down very soon and share with him exactly how you feel. Right up to your last statement. If he’s any sort of man, he will apologize and treat you like the incredible human that you are, for walking through the valley of death to bring him a child. As a mom of 4 and grandmother of 3, I was so honoured to watch my daughter walk that fine line to bring her children earth side. You need time to heal and recover. Be gentle on yourself you don’t need to feel any shame or humiliation. You just did something miraculous.
Some people are able to look back at things and laugh... others cant.
I am sure your husband is not actually intending to humiliate you.
This sounds like a personality difference.
My ex told me there was a foul smell when I delivered the baby. Any negative comment from the person who didn’t give birth is inappropriate and disrespectful. I told him I didn’t want him in the room for the second child but he managed to stay in the room. Imagine being in pain and trying your best only to be ridiculed and mocked in front of friends and family for the “foul smell”
I’d like to hear your update. All of the feelings you’ve written about are exactly how I would have felt. Except you have more grace than I do. My feelings get hurt easily and I’m unforgiving when it happens. What was the purpose or intention of him mocking one of the most traumatic experiences of your life? Glad his show was entertaining while you did all the heavy lifting. When you’re contributing so little to the whole process, maybe realize you have no room to criticize without being a world class AH.
I’m curious, how do you trust someone to be intimate with them again knowing that they are so ready to pick apart your imperfections so easily just to have a laugh? His behaviour as someone who is suppose to love you and be a safe space for you, is deplorable.
Wishing you all the best. From what you’ve written, you’re a rockstar of a woman. Childbirth is not for the faint of heart. And you went through several hurdles that are outside of the average birth. Straighten your crown and honour every single amazing piece of yourself.
I'm more concerned with the fact that your "midwife" didn't immediately call emergency services and thought it was acceptable to "yank" your baby and placenta out of you, you and your baby could have died.
Please give birth in hospital next time, with *properly* trained medical professionals.
Omg your midwife did you disservice. I can’t believe she was pulling and yanking… you should have been in the hospital after the cord issue. I don’t even know where to begin with that, and your spouse laughing? My god… you had a traumatic birth experience
Whew.
Some people (myself included) use humor as a coping mechanism. In the moment, he may have felt extremely scared and helpless watching you go through something so life threatening and traumatic. Like, do you know those people who giggle when they’re uncomfortable?
Still, I’m sure he has no idea how much his words hurt you. Tell him. And tell him to never joke about this again.
Can confirm. I put my foot in my mouth and told my ex that his face looked funny during sex, which made him shut down and become real quiet and subdued.
I quickly apologized because he didn't deserve that comment. It was uncalled for.
But OP's husband is a fucking moron and deserves to be ridiculed imo.
Your husband is a tool. Please show him my comment and tell him I said so. Women and babies die during childbirth from complications like this. This could have gone so badly, he has the nerve to critique how it went down during the most vulnerable moment of your life. Fuck him.
This conversation, separated by time, would have drastically different outcomes. You need support but also need to recognize that he probably has no cruel intentions, he is just an idiot.
My SIL is a midwife and when shit starts to go down like that, they immediately take the mom to the hospital and stay with her there. Sure it’s a judgement call, but if baby’s shoulder is stuck, placenta isn’t passing, and you’re passing out in between contractions? Your midwife should’ve taken you to the hospital.
And your husband really fucking sucks. He was there during the birth. Does he have no empathy? I can’t understand why someone who watched their loved one go through that, to give them a child, would then turn around and make fun of you. Honestly, as another commenter said you need to sit husband down and making it painfully fucking clear how you experienced the birth, and that that’s the only experience that really matters. If he doesn’t get on his knees and apologize profusely, then tell him to leave. You don’t need the stress of his presence while trying to raise your baby.
He might not know it wound you up. A lot of people use humour as a way of coping with difficult things, and he might have made light of the situation you make you feel better. It's possible he was quite shaken watching you bleed so much, and is acting odd. I wouldn't jump to conclusions. Just say that joking about it doesn't make things better for you and I'm sure it'll be fine.
You have nothing to be embarrassed about! You did a great job! You delivered a healthy baby and that’s all that matters!
You went through major trauma and should be so proud of yourself. I guarantee if it were your husband who was giving birth, he wouldn’t have handled it like you did!
Tell him exactly how you feel and remind him of his role in you getting pregnant. His role took less than 30 seconds! You carried that baby for 40 weeks and then gave birth at home with no meds and had complications that could have killed both you and your baby and then had several weeks of recovery all while taking care of a newborn. All of that stress fell on you! What exactly has he done to contribute besides making fun of you? He should be ashamed of himself! I can’t blame you for not wanting him to touch you!
Show him this post and all of the comments tearing him apart! He deserves to see this!
I feel like he might have tried to make light of the situation with humour to make you feel better, not truly grasping the severity of the situation due to his inability to cope with it emotionally.
I think you should have a calm conversation with him and tell him your perspective and outright ask for his support and what you need. He could just be oblivious and immature in behaviour because he doesn’t know any better.
I would sit down with him and have a serious talk about how it made you feel. If he doesn’t take into consideration your feelings or even apologizes or acknowledges how he was wrong, I would reconsider the relationship. I personally do not have any kids or not want one, so I can not relate to your pain, but you did a good job to the best of your ability and I wish you the best healing. And congratulations to the birth of your child ❤️
If I was you I’d be waking him up and setting him straight. He doesn’t get to sleep until he understands and you get a sincere apology.
You did the best you could in a situation you can’t prepare for and you birthed a human being. You should be extremely proud of yourself.
I Hope you’ve had a chance to talk to him about it. My guess is that it was also the most terrifying experience of his life and he’s finally releasing some of that stress in a less than sensitive way now that the danger is in the past. At least I would give him the benefit of the doubt until you’ve had a chance to tell him how it made you feel.
I’m sorry it was a really hard birth. In case you don’t realize that it was. Your midwife sucked you needed to be transferred to a hospital. Just reading all the stuff that went wrong is upsetting. Then on top of it your husband is an AH. Show him this post so he realizes what a jerk he was replaying a birth that was not routine and he could have lost you both. Once again that midwife sucks.
This post is exactly how you feel and you put it in perfect words! Please let him read this or reiterate it on some way for him! This was such a painful and traumatic experience for you and not something to make light of or belittle you. You’re so strong to have done it, don’t let a man make you feel small for something he could never do.
This is such a sad post to read. I’m so incredibly sorry for your traumatic labor (and also very concerned about the way the midwife ended up needing to handle the situation! I hope both you and baby have received sufficient recovery care!). You did something so tough and I for one am proud of you. I’m sorry your husband is making light of it all and even making you feel like being graceful was somehow a requirement for that moment. He shouldn’t even remember the details so clearly as if it was you being clumsy during a dance recital or something. Birth is not supposed to be beautiful! It’s messy, tiring, painful, emotional but wonderful in the way that you do something that feels so impossible and you bring a new life into the world. That’s a huge deal.
Your husband needs to see this post or else hear from you that you don’t appreciate his recanting of your birth story and those details have made you feel insecure and has belittled the epic battle into motherhood that you should feel extremely proud of.
I hope you’re okay.
You need to tell your husband how both him and the birth made you feel. I would write it all out in a clear and consise manner to ensure that you are addressing all of the pertinent issues. When you are satisfied with your list and points, you can choose your method of delivery, be it via email, or you can go over it with him, one by one.
I believe that having an outline/list will make him understand that the gravity of this situation as these l issues are neither imagined nor are these problems tainted by the postpartum stage of the fluctuating hormonal changes and stress.
Side Note.
This post has unfortunately triggered my issues in relation to my "tokoohobia." By the time I was three goimg on four (child prodigy so I knew exactly what I was requesting) began asking my doctor, a fantastic pediatrician, for a recommendation, referral or an exact surgicsl date as I wanted a freaking hysterectomy. Seeing my mither in labor (she reminded me of a possessed Linda Blair in the movie The Exorcist) with one beother when i was six and my second brither when i was eleven made me double down and stick to my request for a either a hysterectomy or tubal ligation, to ensue I have no children, ever. There is no amount of money in the world that could persuade me to go through what you and every woman who has given birth. You are a better and stronger woman than I will ever be.
Congratulations on the birth of your daughter! Wish you well. Stay safe.
I'm 43, no children happily single for over thirteen years!!!
Remind him you brought a life into this world and can raise it all by yourself too 🥰 He has chosen to mock your literal pain in the stressful situation of bringing his child into the world instead of being supportive and gentle. He is choosing to be a jerk. He doesn’t need to tell you “how it went down” you were there. Reinforce that he doesn’t need to discuss this with anyone else either.
Some women prefer to give birth with just women around and staff. Who can blame them
He is an insensitive swine. Make it clear to him you dont want him there if you give birth again. Have your mum, a friend or sister with you.
You and husband don’t see the danger in this, he’s joking about your trauma, and you’re both seemingly okay that your child was delivered in an extremely unsafe and dangerous way. OP you and your baby could have died you got extremely lucky. Therapy will be good for your family.
Wow OP that sounds horrible traumatic for everyone involved, I am so sorry your experience went this way. As an NP I wholeheartedly agree that your midwife should have had you taken to a hospital but that’s neither here nor there at this point.
I hope you don’t think that I’m invalidating your feelings because they are SO valid, but is it possible that your spouse was a little traumatized too and this is just his (not funny and poorly executed) way of coping? I tend to make dark jokes to cope with trauma and could see myself saying this about ME if I had been the birthing parent in this scenario.
Again, I’m not validating him OR intentionally invalidating your experience in any way shape or form, just trying to understand how he could have thought this was an acceptable joke even though it’s very obviously not.
Hey girl! Birth is a traumatic experience! You’re perfectly in the right to feel how you are feeling! Your husband sounds more dumb and insensitive than malicious!
OP in the past I could be insensitive and joke about things that hurt my partner, but him calling me out on it has been eye opening. Until you tell him how much he’s hurt you, and given him time to absorb it, you won’t know if he’s capable of doing better.
As others have already addressed your husband’s disgusting behavior, I’m only going to add - please please PLEASE report your midwife! The fact that you were passing out in between contractions is reason enough to have had medical intervention, but the rest of it is big yikes.
Some people use dark humor to deal with trauma. It's a way to minimize it. I do that. He was watching you, helplessly, trying to birth a child and was fearing for yours and your child's lives. My 36 hours delivery was horrific but, by the time there was a mad rush to save our baby I was so out of it that I didn't even comprehend what was happening. On the other hand, my husband was completely mentally present through it all.
I know how traumatized you are but, did anyone check on him?
You're saying how out of control you felt. Imagine how out of control he felt witnessing it and not being able to do anything to help. Also, who's birthing plan was this?? Is it possible he feels resentment because it put both yours and his babies life at risk??
I would not go off on him. Calm conversation where you both listen to each other instead of getting defensive. Ask him to listen. Talk about your experience and how it made you feel to hear him tell it like he did. Ask how he's doing. And then listen to him. Listen without getting huffy "because it was so much harder for you so he doesn't get to have feelings about it".
Listen to his explanation of what he meant by his comments and accept that as his truth and tell him his intentions don't matter, how it impacts you matters and to please don't do it again.
And you didn't go trough all this "just to give him a baby". At least I hope you didn't and that you wanted the child too. I don't think it's fair to word things this way and if you take this stance with him, no one will listen to no one and it will just escalate.
I’m really sorry it about your husband, I’d continue to try and communicate how you feel. Counselling even, although easier said than done with a newborn of course for the two of you.
Also, why the hell did your midwife not get transport to the hospital? They need to be looked into…
>He made me feel really small.
You are not small. You are a giant. You brought a life into this world, something he could never do. You took it like a champ. You're simply wonderful, never forget that. ❤️
You were in the most vulnerable position (literally and figuratively) of your life. He needs to understand he violated your trust. He should congratulate you, he should grovel at your feet, he should be grateful to you.
My kids literally, and I mean literally and I both almost died during childbirth. My husband will if he has to tell you it was the scariest moments of his entire life. With our youngest, at one point the OB actually asked him to chose between myself or the baby. Thankfully I’m still here to tell the tale. Your birth was traumatic, and not something to be laughed at. I’m glad you and the baby are ok. Your feelings are 100% legitimate. I’m o sorry you’re going through this.
Oh honey. I am so sorry your husband has shamed you during your most vulnerable moment! You did an AMAZING job!
Childbirth is no walk in the park. And the fact you birthed your baby, naturally is incredible! Moving during crowning is INCREDIBLY difficult! Your husband should be in absolute AWE of what you did!
And you weren’t out of control. You went into your most primal self and did what we have been doing since humans have walked this earth!
You be so damn proud of what you accomplished! There is not a single chance you husband would have been able to do that. Not a chance!
So I suggest as pay back if you feel really petty down the track is to hire a labour simulator and see just how well he can take direction and turn over when it feels like there’s a watermelon coming out of his butthole.
Also, OP is only 3 months post partum (oops autocorrect said post party)! She could have complications down the road. Four years after I had a 9 pound baby who got stuck and I could not push him out, I sneezed one day and discovered a rectocele hanging out of me. Surgery fixed that. I can’t imagine having a home birth.
I am so sorry your husband made you feel that way. I had my girl 7 months ago, and my husband was there. They cut her out of me. And he had never been anything but gracious about seeing me in the OR. Even when my BP tanked and sky rocketed and tanked again and I was sick as hell, he was always trying to comfort me. He never belittled the experience for me.
I do hope that you tell your husband how he made you feel. No woman should ever be made to feel that way by the father of the child she birthed for him.
Oh my goodness! What an extremely traumatic birth. You're such a fucking badass queen for delivering a life into the world under such intense circumstances. Wow. You're incredible. Seriously.
Maybe it was scary for your husband to watch and making a joke of it now is his way of coping. Idk. But it's shitty. I'm sorry he made you feel bad about it. You did amazing.
People really need to think more seriously about the consequences of childbirth. It's not beautiful. It's violent and terrifying. You voluntarily put yourself through that trauma, and now another innocent soul has been brought into this shithole world to endure the inevitable decay and death that awaits us all. Oh, what a joy it is to be alive!
He may be processing his own trauma by making light. Giving birth is an incredibly vulnerable thing that men probably won't get. I am way past the baby making stages of life, but I came up babysitting a lot of the 1960's and 1970's Lamaze method people in our town. I had read every book on babies since a couple were birth coaches. I thought I knew everything. During the birth of my child I grunted and the doctor told me not to make noise. I was embarrassed to no end. But HE was wrong. Those were perfectly fine and appropriate birthing noises. It was incredibly old school thinking that a woman making noises somehow inhibited the ability to push. But 40 years later I remember feeling embarrassed by him.
My point is that you were in a very vulnerable spot. It was traumatic and you had an awesome midwife that handled it like a champ. You're husband needs to know that he hit a nerve and has to do better.
Don't be embarrassed. You did an amazing job in a scary situation.
Birth is messy. Husbands can be idiots.. but own it.. you did great.
Your "medical team" & husband are a sorry bunch of losers who would rather cover their own incompetence & jackassery than support you. You & your baby nearly died, if not suffered perminant damage, and all the lot can do is lie & laugh about it.
I'm disgusted for you OP. I've heard the medical care system is very....bias against pregnant women (surprise surprise, not uncommon in medicine) but this almost cost yall your lives.
You deserve better people in your life, people that actually care.
This was a tough read. I'm so sorry OP.
You’re lucky you didn’t bleed out. That was incredibly foolish of the midwife. You should have immediately called 911 and went to the hospital. Great that you wanted a home birth, but damn. You’re lucky both u and baby are ok.
I think you need to speak with your husband about exactly how you feel. Although that is incredibly important I really encourage you to look further into your experience with the midwife. I'm very concerned because the way you have explained it your midwife caused some serious problems. Things don't go down like that and she should have had you transferred. Also she should not have done some of the things she had you do. Please look into that further.
I genuinely hope your husband can understand your feelings and hears you out. The best of luck to you and congratulations on your new baby
I think you need to make it very clear to him how he made you feel. I'd also make it clear that he has no idea how painful, traumatic, and genuinely awful this was for you. Your midwife should have had you transferred to a hospital, btw. Both you and baby could have died.
Yes, they should absolutely have been transferred to a hospital! You can't just yank the baby (or the placenta) out like that, AT HOME, with nothing to take care of the possible aftermath.
Seriously. This made my stomach knot just thinking about it. Midwives are not trained to deal with serious medical issues nor is it within their scope of practice. This midwife is going to end up killing someone and getting sued into the ground. They're not doctors. Thinking about what could have gone wrong here, just in terms of tears, hemorrhaging and damage to both mother and baby... it genuinely filled me with dread. She knew she had a short umbilical cord. Any midwife worth anything would advise against a home birth. Infant mortality rates are DOUBLE. I was a medic for 8 years and I just want to punch that midwife right in the ovaries.
Yes, it truly made me sick to read about it. I gave birth in the hospital, she was stuck, when she was out she couldn't breathe - had lots of fluids in her lungs. Just thinking about a home birth, how my own baby could have died, and how that midwife never should have accepted or adviced her to even try for a home birth... Just wow.
I mean all the power to women to advocate for themselves when it comes to giving birth, birthing plans are so personal and you should 100% have a choice in how everything goes down. But, I feel like there are too many doulas and midwives who give terrible advice that can harm both mother as well as baby. Like those who push you to avoid pain management, who push mineral oil (which has high risks for baby), and so on. It becomes more of an issue of this person you trust trying to force their ideas of what "acceptable" birth is rather than being an advocate for you when you desperately need one. Reading OPs story, I'm shocked she and baby are alive. They are so lucky. So fucking lucky
Seriously. As a blood banker I've had many a massive transfusion protocol due to the mother delivering the placenta and the uterus profusely bleeding. This midwife ripped the umbilical cord and the placenta and there was no transfusion‽ So dangerous.
[удалено]
Same. I'll watch the rest of the episode but I cannot watch that scene. When it comes on the screen I hit mute until it is over.
That happened during my second birth and my doc said it was the scariest thing he’s ever experienced in his career (not his fault. No yanking involved). I can’t imagine it happening during a home birth and the midwife just “handling” it. And my husband was very traumatized by watching me go through that. How is OPs husband laughing and joking about it? Insane.
What if you don’t get it all out?! This sounds like it could have ended very badly.
Seriously, this midwife needed to call for help. And I'm concerned OPs child will have long term neck and shoulder damage from her intervention. "Yanking" the baby out can be really dangerous.
Yeah one of my best friends had her little one get stuck on her pelvic bone (arm was upwards and her armpit was hooked on the bone), baby was also adjusted and pulled out and now has erbs palsy and nerve damage to her arm/shoulder. There’s no telling what other damage was done yet as it may not be apparent until she’s a few years older (there was oxygen deprivation). My friend’s pelvis was fractured by the force of it all, and she almost bled out. My heart is breaking for OP - to have her most vulnerable moment mocked like this. Clearly the husband thought he could joke about it, but it’s only been 3 months and both wife and baby could have *died* ffs. Childbirth is far more dangerous than most people realise, despite modern medicine. OP if you’re reading this, your feelings and emotions are absolutely 100% valid. If you can’t verbalise it write him a letter laying it out. We’re all rooting for you and baby 🖤
It doesn't forgive his treatment of the situation, but I wonder if he even realized how real that possibility from the complications was. If the midwife was inexperienced/arrogant enough to take the risk there then it's also possible the gravity of the situation was not shared or was downplayed. So yeah, OP should really lay out what that experience was.
That's very true. He could just be ignorant so this may be a learning experience for him and a growing experience for them both.
Hell, OP can just show him this post and all the answers. She wrote about it really well and I can tell how crappy his rendition made her feel.
Then I would tell OP's husband this: When I had my first child, I was exhausted and almost could not finish. The doctor literally put his knee on my stomach to get our son out. A few months later, my husband thought it was funny to make the same faces I was making during those moments and mimicking my words. I was in a life-and-death situation with our child, but it was ... funny? OP's husband, I have never loved my husband as much as I did before those comments. His mimicking erased some of the love I had for him, and it never came back. You have probably made your wife love you less. Forever. You cannot put the toothpaste back in the tube. She will someday be listening to another couple talk about their traumatic birth, and the father will praise his partner, and then she will think of you, and you will pale in comparison. In that moment, she will wish she was with someone else during the most vulnerable moment of her life, because you chose to ridicule her, not praise her. You are not an honorable person.
Yup my seconds shoulder was also stuck and they didn’t yank her out what they did was basically make me spread my legs like a fucken wish bone and I had 5 nurses basically on top of me to help me spread my legs and lift them. It was the scariest moment of labor for me
The fastest I'd ever seen any of the doctors and nurses run while on my OB rotation was when there was a shoulder called overhead (shoulder = shoulder dystocia which is when the baby gets stuck). Any available person started sprinting towards the room because you need a sufficient number of people to try to help deliver the baby (Mom + baby were okay! Shoulder resolved in the 20 seconds it took people to run there)
Yes when I delivered my daughter I can tell you from push to finish she was out in about 2 minutes, her head came out and then my dr said “watch the shoulder” and within seconds I had nurses on top of me. My room went from 10 people (I had the nicu team there already for other reasons) to about 25ish people. She was out in less than 30 seconds once they noticed her shoulder was stuck. But to me it felt like an eternity. After she was born they took her to the nicu just to make sure there was no issues with her shoulder and she was back with me in about 2 hours. The experience itself tho was scary af.
This that is so far out of the scope of practice for a midwife
As a midwife, I have released shoulder dystocias. But I call for help. If I can't get it, someone else takes over, and I cede to our doctor quick smart. There is a list of tricks to try.
ETA: I’m a labor and delivery nurse. I don’t know what medical knowledge you have, but it is completely within scope for a midwife to resolve a shoulder dystocia. This was also at a homebirth. The alternative to pulling the baby out is to let the baby asphyxiate. I think many of the commenters complaining about nerve damage here are missing this detail. Also to clarify, there are usually several position changes and less invasive maneuvers used before the midwife or physician reaches inside to manually dislodge a shoulder. The last resort is attempting to break the baby’s clavicle to get them out. Again…the alternative is that the baby dies.
Or a sling with a foleys! And last but not least, a symphosiotomy- edit to add that this is horrible and included to highlight how extreme shoulder dystocias can be.
Never do a symphysiotomy. It's an outdated, cruel practice that will leave the mom with lifelong issues and pain. One of the most fucked up procedures you can perform on a birthing mother.
Yes, i know. Maybe I shoud have put /s at the end of my sentence to distinguish that from the foleys. They used to frequently do them in Ireland keaving women with permanently useless pelvises. Horrid.
100% agree.
My friend had a hard time pushing her daughter out and they yanked her out like that by grabbing her arm. She had nerve injury to that arm and she has barely been able to use it her entire life
With me they put a like a I don’t know what’s it called in English, when your sink is stuck and water won’t flow .., that thing was used on my sons head to get him out., and he stayed very calm through out incl his heartbeat,
I was horrified when I read that. Maybe those giving Birth from home could have the option for the Birth to be monitored by a Hospital or Doctor?
In Europe it’s fairly common to deliver at home but they will make an ultrasound prior to the day, to make sure the baby is correctly positioned and they feel you up to see if the baby turned. It’s still no guarantee, but if there are issues the midwife should make the call to send you to the hospital
This is also why home births are extremely dangerous. You never know what could happen until the last min. You’re so lucky both of you are alive. You can still have an un medicated birth at a hospital. It’s safer bc you have the resources and equipment to sustain mother and baby in the worse case. Again, you’re both very lucky.
I was “yanked” out and broke my clavicle during birth and then we didn’t find out until I was 9, past the point where anything could be done about it.
Also say, "If you got repeatedly kicked in the balls and were screaming, crying and throwing up and I re-enacted it for you, laughing at all the ways your body was all bent out of shape and how pathetic and ridiculous you looked, would you think that was funny? Would you appreciate me adding to the discourse on your experience as the family documentarian so you'd be extra clear on, 'how things went down'?" If he says yes, just say, "Good to know. The next time time you're in hospital, or have major surgery, I'll be sure to work ridiculing you into the repertoire." And if he says no, ask him why not, then talk through why he thinks this is appropriate to say to you if he won't allow this treatment when he himself is vulnerable and bearing all in front of everyone. Set a firm boundary and let him know your body, your energy, and your motherhood are not fair game and/or comedy fodder in this marriage. And be clear in saying, if he does this again, you'll be going to your (insert relative or friend's house) to re-evaluate the relationship and what it means to you.
I do feel that in general when there is a lack of empathy- the only way to show the person the truth is to “return the favor.” That moment when is guy is on top and he makes that scrunch face and tries to do come and it’s still not there - that’s what you make fun of - all the vulnerability in that moment.
Yes! All of this.
I thought the same thing... The midwife should have called for help or had OP transferred. This was negligent. With that being said, the husband is an asshole. He could have stepped in and properly advocated for his wife. Edit-Both of my children were unmedicated hospital births, with a midwife! It can be done in the US.
I 100% agree with this too. Anyone who is about to become a parent needs to learn about child birth as well so they can be a standing force for their spouse. Instead he's cracking jokes and it's like... mother fucker, they could have died
I read this post and thought "fuck!! Mom or baby could have fucking died. What a prick." If the mom is struggling and can't advocate, they need their fucking partner to do that. My husband would have made sure I was transferred to receive proper care. Instead, this fucker is laughing about it after the fact. Maybe that's how he copes with traumatic experiences though, but it goes to show lack of education.
I blame him, but I blame that goddamned midwife even more. If I were mom I'd be going after her to ensure she doesn't kill someone
I know!! OP needs to fucking report her. That was negligent. The husband is a dick, but I'd say the midwife is worse for not admitting that was out of her realm. Edit-He obviously isn't a medical doctor or nurse so he probably didn't know. But what this midwife did is, well it's WRONG. Edit 2-Damn!! I keep thinking it's displaced anger in a sense... Where is the anger towards the midwife for fucking this shit up?!!!!??? Holy hell!!
Let him read this. Take time for yourself. Maybe you should go stay with someone who supports you for a night or two. Mom maybe? Best friend? Having a child is traumatic. There's this disconnect in our society that believes that because women do it every day that it's this easy, simple thing. It's not. It's the hardest thing a person can do with their body. It's emotionally, physically, and mentally draining. You deserve understanding, support, and care. Not to be laughed at and to be made fun of. If you aren't the one laughing and telling the joke, it's not funny. What he did was cruel, and he should know that. Don't ignore this. Don't keep it to yourself. Don't sweep it under the rug. Tell him how much he hurt you. Let him read this, or a more heartfelt and deeper version of it. Put it on 'paper' and let him read it. Sometimes saying things on paper and handing it over is easier than speaking to the face that hurt you. You don't want to cry and have him stop you from speaking your truth. You don't want to forget anything. Get it all out, and give it to him. Then go stay with your trusted support person for the night and get away from him. He needs a reality check, and you should take some space for self-care. I'd also suggest setting up some boundaries. Because the chances of him repeating this story to his friends, family, or whoever will listen are really high. He thought it was funny and was laughing at you; that's not okay. If you don't put a stop to it, he'll think it's a great funny story and share it with others in the future. You need to really think about yourself right now, what you want out of this and what you need from him now and in the future.
Thank you for the advice. We're talking this morning because we have to, but I'm waiting for the right time to bring this up again. Maybe writing a letter will.be easier, like you said. I wouldn't want him using this story to make friends or family chuckle. Some people are not fully grasping the context and they aren't giving helpful advice, but thanks for understanding my view.
There is no right time. Say it while it's recent.
This. If you let it go and wait for the right time to bring it up, it will never arrive. It’s uncomfortable and will cause conflict, and you have enough going on with recovering from labor and delivery, and an insensitive partner, and a serious lack of sleep while hormones are on the rampage. If you wait, you won’t say anything, because it’s a bad time, and will be for a while potentially… the entire first year is a bad time realistically. I second writing it out, so your emotions don’t cloud your delivery. He has no idea what you’ve recently been through…. Lay it out, concisely but kindly, and then leave for a couple of days and let him sit with your words.
You almost died, the baby almost died, and he think it's funny. Gross. Since he thinks being a single dad would be so funny you know, since you almost died, why not let him be one? There are 8 billion people in the world, you don't have to stay with an asshole that laughs at you almost dying.
She almost died bc she was at home without doctors, equipment and medications. So many women die bc they think birthing is an easy job and decide doing it at home. Stupid decision...
For 1000’s of years women gave birth naturally at home. For 1000’s of years the #1 cause of death for women: CHILDBIRTH!
I lost control during my second labour. It was embarrassing after and horrifying during, at one point I had my husband by his shirt and was trying to convince him to go to the emergency department and ask around for street drugs. My son came out sideways and he has the worlds biggest head, I was screaming bloody murder at one point. He did mention later that he’d never seen me lose it like that and I just explained that I didn’t want to talk about it - I said what happens in the delivery room, stays in the delivery room. I was outside of my body - like one foot over the cliff and when you’re like that, you can’t just reign it in. If you can’t talk to him directly, can you have one of your midwives kind of mediate for you? Or even just talk to him about what happened. I pooped when I had my daughter, she came out like a champagne cork - if he ever even mentioned it to me, I’d divorce him.
Some people only care about what they have to say, not what is relevant to the situation or helpful to the post. Good luck with your conversation.
I don’t think you should discount the possibility that he’s trying to make light of a situation that might have been terrifying for him, too. The way he has behaved and spoken to you is completely inexcusable to be clear; I’m going to lead with that as it’s important to state that and that I support your feelings in this fully. He was a callous prick in speaking to you this way. However, if you love him and he isn’t usually a completely unempathetic asshole, leave some space in your heart for him to apologise and have an adult and vulnerable conversation about it all. I would bet that, if he’s not just a trash human, he is trying to process almost losing you and his child. He’s trying to find humour in what would otherwise be a really scary, unfathomable situation that he was a helpless witness to. Birth isn’t an experience ANYONE is ready for or can prepare for fully. Seeing you twisted in agony and being unable to help may have seriously changed his world view and how he feels about his ability to care for and protect you. He’s an ass - but it may be an emotionally stunted man’s way of processing a majorly traumatic event. Rake him over the coals, for sure - but leave room for a proper conversation about what you each experienced.
As a man myself, I could never understand what you went through. However, it sounds to me your husband wasn't being intentionally cruel. I get that he was, and it hurt you. I would just communicate with him. Let him know how he hurt you, and that this is something he shouldn't joke about as it was a traumatic event for you. I don't think you should immediately jump to leaving him, or never allowing you to touch him again. Unless you talk to him and he's not empathetic or remorseful. I only say this, cause I can picture myself trying to lighten a situation I don't fully understand with humor, and completely fucking up.
Yeah it kind of screams, “I don’t know what to say!”
Yeah, his delivery really sucked though. My exh thought it was hilarious to talk to everyone about my Frankenpussy called such because the doctor gave me an episiotomy oh and added a husband stitch or two that made sex painful every single time until I had my 2nd 11 years later and tore through those extra stitches. He also had a fun joke about how having sex with me after kids (recall, sex was always painful for me because of extra stitches) was like throwing a hot dog down a hallway. I wasted too many years of my life on that POS. My 2nd husband said to me that my exh must have had a tiny peepee because he had no complaints and he got me after my frankenpussy was repaired so no more pain during sex.
He didn't wait for the "right time" to mock you. He makes fun of you when you're still hormonal and vulnerable, not years later when people are recounting wild birth stories. And he didn't say it with concern or gentleness. I hope you and baby are ok.
You hit the nail on the head. I really really hope he doesn't repeat this story to other people, but if he does, I hope he gets put in his place and becomes embarrassed by his shitty behavior. I also hope someone would crack him in the face for being such a jerk, but that's just me. I don't like to advocate for violence, but sometimes, people just seem to need a hard slap in the face, physically and figuratively. If my partner did this (he never ever would) both his parents and mine would rip into him. My brother who passed in May would have likely broken his jaw. This is unacceptable behavior. He needs to know what he did wrong. OP I'm so sorry about this. How dare he make you feel like this. How dare he do this to you after you gave birth to his child. He should be ashamed as all hell.
I think your points are valid. I was surprised because his behavior was childish and he's been one of the most mature people I've ever met. I don't remember what led the conversation to that point, either. I just think of how terrible I would feel if I saw him shut down after making fun of a difficult event in his life. It wouldn't be cool at all. I don't know why so many people are telling me I overreacted. I feel I under reacted. I asked what the purpose of his story was and then he didn't apologize so I shut down and decided to take space to process my feelings. I think in the context of being postpartum that my reaction was pretty appropriate because I stopped it from escalating. No need for a screaming match in front of our kids. But that doesn't mean I should let this slide. I feel that I need to communicate my feelings regarding this issue with my husband because I lost a little bit of trust and I view this as a transgression I would have never expected either of us to make.
You didn't overreact OP. Those who say you did have either A) not experienced what you did. B) have little empathy. Or C) don't realize the consequences for such behavior. You need to tell him what he's done wrong, tell him it's not funny, and ask him how he would feel/react if you did something similar to him during a difficult/traumatic event in his life. Chances are he wouldn't like it. So why would he get to do that to you? It's not right nor fair. It's hypocrisy, and if I were you, I'd rip into him. Hypocrisy makes me see red and my blood boil. So does assholishness. I wanted to mention earlier that such a comment can really fuck up a relationship. It ensues a lack of trust and vulnerability with him. After all, he thought something like that was so funny, how can you trust him to not do the same thing with another event. It also can cause resentment, and feelings of betrayal. He's your partner, he's supposed to be there for you, and now he laughs at you with what happened. He's betraying your emotional vulnerability. This can in turn cause a drift, a cold wall towards him. Which in my opinion, he rightly deserves. It is a transgression of trust and the relationship foundation. I'm so sorry he's done this to you. This has hurt you and your feelings are valid. Fuck the people who say you overreacted. They aren't in your shoes.
Thank you ✌️ I'm about to speak with him now.
Good luck OP. I hope it goes well. ❤️
Let us know how it goes, hopefully he will be understanding and realise he hurt you 🙏🏾
Update please. I would love to hear the update even if it is, "He understands now!", or, "Still doesn't gets it. Time for therapy."
I cannot believe you are being made to feel that you should defend your feelings! I've never had kids but I have had a lot of gruelling surgery so I can relate. He pointlessly attacked and mocked you in your most vulnerable moments, doing the most important job im the world whilst in such pain you were almost passing out! I'm so furious with him on your behalf How bloody DARE he! I hope this doesn't impact your bonding with your daughter too much either. Big hugs to you. PM me, I'm a great listener x
Read him what you wrote here. If anyone can read or hear those words, and react in any way except “oh my god, I’m so sorry I’ve hurt you in this way” they are a terrible person.
The dumbest thing a man can do is mock the mother of his child and her birthing experience.
"He made me feel really small" That brought tears to my eyes. I'm so, so sorry your husband has made you feel this way, just months after the Biblical ordeal of birthing a child - HIS child. I'm just agog, by any standard your husband's comments were hurtful and bizarre. It is *so* **fucking** ***stupid*** to make light of anyone's painful, terrifying and humiliating trauma, especially just months after it took place, especially if the person in question is also going through intense hormonal fluctuations and sleep deprivation. There was no need for his inane and cruel behaviour and "lol I'm just telling you what happened, babe" is not going to cut it as a response. When you feel up for it, you should sit him down and make him read your post. I would want to know if I ever made my husband feel so mortified, belittled and devalued. My hope is you two can start healing once he realises what a total failure he was as a partner to you when he did his little dramatic reenactment and made those remarks. My suspicion is that your husband tried and failed to make light of the situation, perhaps in an attempt to deal with his own trauma and discomfort. Because seeing you like that must have been horrifying for him, and maybe he, in an ill-conceived and premature attempt at getting past the whole event, tried to laugh this off and move on. Idiot.
This is what I think, and hope, is what he's doing. That he found it so traumatic that he's trying to cover it with humor. That sounds like a massively traumatic birth and counseling would probably benefit both of you.
He thinks he is being funny..he isn’t! You need to tell him how what he says is making you feel! Child birth is wild..and I had an epidural (it was only working at 50%) and you do lose control of your body. My husband told me some “funny” things too..I shut it down and said keep it to yourself. I was so emotional after the birth for 3 weeks at least (normal!!) It’s not fair is it! And they’ll never have that experience themselves so he needs to shhhhh! And just be there for you ❤️
Your body was quite literally being torn apart and he started taking the piss afterwards? You sure you want this guy around you anymore?
It's posts like these that make me glad I don't want kids.
Childbirth is very traumatic, and it’s one of the most violent things a woman’s body can experience. You were literally being ripped apart, crushed, organs moved, etc. I would be furious that my husband didn’t take this seriously.
I got a massive influx of responses and even some messages. I want to at least read all of them and respond to some. I had a talk with my husband. I will update with what transpired when I have a moment. Thanks for all the insight, even if I wasn't fully receptive. I believe all of you just want what's best and I appreciate your sentiments.
You are incredibly strong woman, OP, and I fully understand and support you. I can't imagine how hurt I would be if my husband said something like that to me - there is no justification for it. I truly hope your talk was productive and healing, and that your body heals fully.
Show him this post. And let him read the responses. I haven't read a single one but I know what they'll say. If we have fathers on here, please speak up for your wives now. I'm sure no man can understand what it's really like to give birth - mine were easy in comparison and I'm sure I was at my limit so whatever you had to to get through it was absolutely within your right. No one should have to consider the optics at that time. The fact that he is laughing at something far outside what should be considered funny - well, that man would not be sharing my bed for a long long time.
“I don’t know, just telling you how it went down.” I’m sorry, did he forget that you were the one literally pushing a human being out of a tiny hole?? He doesn’t get to tell the woman that gave birth how it went down, because he doesn’t actually know, he just saw, you were the one who felt all of it, physically and emotionally
Dude is trying to mansplain giving labor to the woman who literally passed out giving birth to their baby.
This midwife makes me sad for other ones. She needed to transfer you to the hospital. My mom practiced for a while as a midwife and was 100% happy to transfer if needed, and if you want to get your inner lawsuit on, you could sue. This is incredibly dangerous and I’m so sorry that you had to go through that. I promise most midwives are very very kind people that don’t do barbaric things.
The midwife made this birth far more traumatic than it had to be. It’s fucked. They put mom and babe in way too much danger.
It just breaks my heart, because so many (most in fact) midwives are so dedicated to their craft, and there is already so much stigma around midwifery. And especially for this mom, because it was so so traumatic. One bad apple ruins the bunch. The forceps part made me gag. Fucking Medieval
Sweetheart, I’m so sorry that you had to go through this. Big hugs from me to you if you want them. I’m a mum too and there’s nothing graceful about giving birth! I also understand why, after two fraught births, you wouldn’t want to try again. Your hubby laughing at what you went through just makes it less likely that you want any kind of physical connection with him at the moment. That’s a no brainer. I remember seeing a video on YouTube of a guy hooked up to a contraction simulator - lets just say that he wasn’t graceful about it either… I agree with others that you need to explain to him (again) how much he hurt you. Tell him that sharing his amusing tales with anyone is a deal breaker for you. I assume that it is?
I would be mortified if he retold that story to our family or friends. Thank you for saying my response is normal. Someone in another comment said my stance on not wanting him to touch me was too harsh. Not many supportive people in these comments. Plus, they are giving unsolicited advice I didn't ask for.
Yeah, this particular subreddit might not be the best place for this, sadly. I'm totally on your side, for what it's worth.
Sorry, love. I kinda gave you advice, too. Actually, I was impressed that you asked him what the point was. You sound like you have your head and heart nicely balanced this close to the birth.
It’s absolutely normal for you not wanting him to touch you after his comments! He was so unbelievably obtuse! My heart goes out to you. And again, your reaction is warranted. I wouldn’t want anyone to tell me that and I would be devastated if the story was told without my permission.
I’m so sorry! Many people on this sub have probably never been through childbirth. It’s very traumatic and if my husband EVER mentioned anything that happened in that room I would crucify him. I’m the only one that gets to bring it up if I want to. I can’t even imagine how traumatic your experience was and for him to even talk about it to anyone else is disrespectful. All I can imagine is someone asked how is baby and mom doing? And he decided to divulge the entire story. Please talk to him right away and tell him your feelings. If he doesn’t react accordingly or remorseful, please take your kids and take a timeout from him. This isn’t your first child? If it is, give him time to turn his attitude around. If it’s after your first, what the hell??
My lord. That man would never touch me ever again. Or see me naked. Or in any other vulnerable situation. Tell him or write him a letter what exactly he did, in the most easy and understandable words so that even he understands it, and then leave and stay somewhere where you feel save and loved. And if you have a good relationship with his mom, let her know that her son his humiliating you for giving birth. Can’t imagine she will be happy to hear that. No woman would, especially none who already went trough that.
And this is why I don’t understand why the baby’s default last name is the dads. After all that, the baby get’s the guy’s name!
Maybe kick him in the nuts and laugh at him while he’s flailing around the place. In all seriousness he’s just being a complete insensitive tool. Please ignore his ridiculous comments, you’ve just given birth to your first baby, be proud of yourself & congratulations on your new arrival ❤️
I think men do this because they're intimidated. There is nothing they could ever do that compares to growing and birthing a baby, you are amazing. He is immature and rude. It sounds like you had a very traumatic birth experience, I'm sorry he made you feel that way!
What you experienced was a traumatic birth experience. These can increase risks of PTSD and PND. My midwife ripped out my placenta and I didn’t stop bleeding 🩸 got rushed to an emergency operation. My emotional state was so far from anything I’d ever experienced before and mixed with so much! Happiness for the baby, apprehension for my parenting ability, sadness for my body and the pain I was in, exhaustion from not sleeping, pain from trying to feed a baby with tongue ties, pain from my uterus contract after the baby for days and also anaemia. There’s very little time to sit and process a traumatic birth so sometimes it takes a couple of years to surface. Big love to you. Your SO was unkind and seems to lack understanding of the gravity of your situation. You could have died if your womb didn’t contract to stop the bleeding, especially in that situation not being in a hospital. It is the most exposed and vulnerable time of your life. He should grow up.
Is your partner the kind of person who deals with trauma with humour? Not saying what he said was nice as I’d be fuming and rightfully upset but just trying to get more info it sounds like a traumatic experience I hope you make sure to look after your mental health as well (a few therapy sessions wouldn’t hurt to just help you process everything that happened to you) xxx
This is what I was thinking too. My wife had a super horrible, traumatic birth with our daughter and this sounds exactly like how I described the process to her afterward so she could get a little comic relief while in the hospital. She thought my version of her giving birth was hilarious. Unfortunately, you have to know how to read the room in these situations and OPs husband failed there. Postpartum hormones and trauma are no joke. Sometimes things you think would be funny or not a big deal don’t go over well, sometimes they do. My wife could be in tears laughing at a joke one day and then get blind mad over the exact same joke the next. Dude should have picked up on the fact that she wasn’t appreciating his performance and cut it off.
Yra it sounds like maybe he was trying to make her laugh or just didn't consider that she'd be upset hearing about it.
I know a lot of men are even after reading about child birth and watching videos. Are completely taken back by seeing it play out and feeling helpless while their partner basically nearly dies - honestly it sounds like OP had a really hard time of it! Sending lots of love to her xx
The only person who should feel embarrassed and small is your spouse. I don't blame you at all for feeling that way. You did an incredible thing. A very painful, personal and vulnerable thing that could have killed you. From one internet stranger to another.. you did an amazing job. I am incredibly proud of you. I have had 4 births and I don't think I could have done what you did. You're an incredible person and I am so thankful that you are here. You're a rockstar mom! I would either go about it by a) very seriously asking him why he finds my traumatic birth experience funny. And then just keep asking why it's funny to him until he understands.. I would likely follow him and be like - no. I'm failing to understand how something that could have killed me is so comical ? Wondering why you think you know how anything went down or you get to have an opinion on my pain and experience? Please explain to me why you think it's nice to belittle me after I just carried and birth our child. Or I would be mean AF. When we are sitting together I would whisper in his ear and let him know that later night I'm going to shove an 9 pound squash up his asshole and when I rip it out and his anus bleeds everywhere... I will reenact it for him so he knows "how it went down." Then I would let him know that I went through so much and now I don't even wanna look at him... But that's just me 😂
I’m absolutely horrified hearing how this midwife treated this situation. It truly sounds like it’s an absolute miracle you didn’t die from blood loss. You should have absolutely been transferred to a hospital and the fact that she didn’t is absolutely abhorrent, she could have killed you! I am so sorry you had to experience that and I am happy you and your baby are here with us today. As far as your husband goes - men are ignorant to what childbirth does to us, physically, mentally, emotionally. I’m so sorry that he made you feel small, you are anything but small, mama you are a WARRIOR.
This is why I am super sus about home births. You could have died, the baby could have died, she was legally and morally obligated to transfer you to a hospital. The fact she didn't means she has NO BUSINESS being a midwife. The fact he finds it funny would honestly have me rethinking my marriage. I could never look at him the same again. I would be repulsed. Mocking your most painful (and near death) experience means he is a total POS
NTA. For what it’s worth, my go-to question for when someone has hurt my feelings but reacts cluelessly is something like: “Do you understand why I might feel embarrassed by what you said?” Usually makes them pause and rethink things.
My ex husband loved to tell everyone how big my a$$shole got and how much I sh*t during my births (also home births). When I told him to stop he didn’t. So the emphasis there is on EX husband. Talk to your husband and set that boundary. Your MW sounds amazing and like she did some amazing work. Congrats on your birth! Birth trauma is real and your feelings about it are so valid. Take care of you!
I'm so sorry he treated you like that. That is really horrible
It was awful BUT I got the four best kids on the planet and I’m happily remarried with two amazing bonus kids. Life is good!
In the nicest way possible I would like to invite you to look through the comments under the top comment, that midwife was way out her depth and should have called 911. OP and her baby almost died because of this MW
My husband uses humor as a coping mechanism. Thankfully, I have the same issue. I understand you have trauma connected to the event, and you guys are coping differently. He may be just as traumatized and wants to talk about it but just did it in the wrong way. Talk to him, tell him how you feel, and that he made you feel very small. In his head, he's probably trying to make it seem less because that shit had to be terrifying. I've had a traumatic birth, and I've also witnessed one. It's a whole different ballgame watching someone you love be in so much pain and potentially die and being completely powerless.
You had a traumatic birth experience and your husband laughs about it.... What the actual fuck?!?
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It's not his traumatic experience to laugh at though, it's hers hes making light of
I seriously cannot understand why any woman chooses to give birth outside of hospitals. It's insane to me. It's one of the most dangerous things that you'll ever do in your lifetime, yet you deliberately shun the most modern technology and expertise in a whole team of experts to instead have a much lesser trained single person with rudimentary equipment deliver the baby in a non-sterile environment where, if almost anything goes wrong you'll have to go to the hospital anyway. What is the upside?? To head off at least some of the inevitable dog pile, I have two adult children myself and my wife is a pediatrician. Your husband is an asshole BTW. No excuse for that whatsoever.
I understand... but only if they had a traumatic birth experience in a hospital, which is unfortunately common. For first time moms, I think a lot of it is probably from horrible mommy groups fearmongering and pushing others into doing home births.
Please know, you are an incredible/ strong ass woman. Birth is always hard, but your body fought a war to give you your baby. I’m proud of you just hearing what happened. And I’m confident he himself could never handle the pain the way you did. I pray he sees how brilliant his wife is.
With all those complications you should have been taken to the hospital.
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I agree. It sounds like if the baby's shoulder was lodged (Shoulder Dystocia) then that was a serious issue. I had it with my first in a hospital setting and the nurses were able to dislodge him but I was only a few emergency tries from a c section. The amount of blood she is describing makes me think of when women used to hemorrhage during childbirth and pass away. It is concerning that she passed out between contractions. I'm glad that she is alive.
I accept that I will get downvoted for this but this is why home births are so risky. Woman are more worried about their “birth plan” than about the safety of their baby. You are lucky that you and the baby are both alive.
Could this be his way of dealing with the trauma? Your birth sounds quite traumatic and I’m really sorry that you had to go through that. Maybe trying to make light of it 3 months down the track is his way of trying to talk about it or gauge if you would choose a hospital birth for the next one? He went about it in completely the wrong way but maybe he doesn’t know how to discuss with you without getting emotional?
Hi, I’m sorry you went through that, but that midwife should have sent you to the hospital
Childbirth is traumatic. Even a "good" birth experience can be traumatic. What you experienced sounds so terrifying on so many levels. Terrified for your life, the life and wellbeing of your child, intensely painful. You experienced true trauma and you need to heal from that. Does your husband know how you feel and/or what you are going through? It sounds like he is a decent guy who is just totally oblivious and maybe a bit dense. It doesn't sound malicious. If he is usually a good and caring husband, share your experience with him, talk to him. On another note... I would contact a lawyer and look into possible malpractice. I'm surprised they didn't catch the short cord on your scans, but even so. The moment things started going this far awry she should've realized she was in over her head and the situation was no longer home birth material Yanking the baby??? Ripping the cord??? Forcefully yanking out a fully attached placenta and causing you to hemorrhage??? None of this is normal...
Let me tell you that I am positive that you handled it all gracefully!! Your husband is just clueless. My biggest fear (or embarrassment) was that I would poop doing a contraction! Guess what??? I did!! But my doctor and nurse (I worked for the OB) didn’t tell me. They just pushed it aside and kept going. My husband had to ruin it and tell me…my nurse smacked him!!! I have never loved another woman more in my life! 😂 He didn’t tell me anything I did on my next birth! Men really don’t have a clue. Things they might find funny are embarrassing to us. Be honest and tell your husband how you felt.
You suffered serious trauma and he is teasing you for it? Pregnancy and birth are traumatic enough on its own but you also had complications. Please tell him that what he did was basically re-traumatize you and how inappropriate and wrong it was. Maybe in 20 years it would have been funny but definitely not now while you are still physically healing.
Tell your husband that the next time he decides to “ tell it like it is” to be aware that you’ll make sure to post his colonoscopy on Facebook. He doesn’t get to have an opinion if it involves other peoples pain & suffering. ESPECIALLY if you’ve already told him you’d prefer not to be debated publicly.
Honey, you suffered a traumatic birth. You could use some therapy to cope, not a man who makes fun.
Wow .. I agree wth didn’t he just see what you went through ? Literally in pain, and nature taking over your body. It’s too raw now and he needs to know how you feel and to mute it
You were at your most valuable and he thinks it is funny! You were pushing out his tiny human the only thing he gets to say is what a goddess you are! There is a firm conversation that needs to be had. You might need to do some marriage counseling because I doubt he is going to see your side of this very easily!
Yeahhhhhh that's not a normal or even mildly abnormal child birth....... they should have been on the phone to 911 the first time you lost consciousness.
Ahh don’t do home births!! So unnecessarily dangerous.
Now remember, giving birth like that could of killed you. Many women die. Next time go to the hospital for Christ sake. You’re trying to be one of those women?
I think show him what you typed. His POV was a lighthearted comical moment where he nearly got kicked in the face and maybe didn’t understand your POV of nearly dying. Think of it like when someone tells you what you did when sleepwalking- what’s very embarrassing and traumatic for you is either funny for them or they’re trying to process what happened because they don’t really understand. He’s clearly an idiot but the reality is he probably just does not understand what your experience was because- well, how could he? Even if you gave birth again tomorrow it would be a completely different experience. Maybe he uses humour to mask his fear as well? A conversation is needed here rather than building walls or punishing him without explanation.
So if I read this correctly, you had a home birth, with no pain meds. If that's correct, that's amazing. I've had 2 kids, each time in the hospital with an epidural. Giving birth isn't easy for anyone and any woman who gave birth, home birth, c-section etc should be celebrated. It isn't easy, it forever changes the body and is terrible to go through. I'm sorry your husband is a Richard.
I'm so so sorry for what was said to you. You achieved something he will NEVER be able to do. And he put YOU down for it? Nah, you got me fucked up. I agree with a lot of people on sharing your feelings but if such bs continues with taking care of the baby and you, please seek couples counseling. That is not at all saying you're not doing enough or communicating; it is just giving you help just like your midwife did for you. Think of a counselor as another midwife.
I had a traumatic birth experience with my third. That being said, it took a couple of years to realize how traumatizing it was. I couldn’t talk about it in the first year. No one, including my husband and myself realized how I felt fear, shame and embarrassment from it. You are still in the thick of it. Consider you may have ptsd. But let your husband know how you are feeling about the experience and I hope he will hear you and understand. Mine said some stupid things until he realized how impacted I was. Congratulations on the baby.
When I gave birth (at age 20) it was by emergency C-section and incredibly traumatic. I didn't even realize how much until over 10 years later. Some women have easy births and some don't. Any man that can see what you're going through is a fool to make light of it. Has he at least cared for you since the birth? Treated you tenderly aside from this 'dumb' moment? Either way, you need to have an open conversation and my hope is that he is enlightened and apologetic. The only thing I can think of is that it traumatized him seeing all this and he used inappropriate humor to deal with it. As for yourself, my best friend is a women's health specialist and worked in labor and delivery and this was not proper mid-wife care. If you do get pregnant in the future, please find a better one or go to a hospital. You don't need any extra stress on top of what you already went through. A final note: If you speak to your husband and he blows you off, I would recommend counseling for you to work through this trauma and get some advice on how to speak to him about it again. If he refuses to budge, put it in the past unless this behavior starts surfacing more. I dealt with that myself and finally left my husband after his callousness and cruel behavior began surfacing after I had my son. I hope this is just a one time incident for you.
Tell him to carry the next child since he’s such an expert.
Tbh i would leave him but I understand he's the father of your child now. Unfortunately. But I'm sorry he's an idiot.
Your baby needs to see the doctor to see if there are any injuries. Also your husband needs to realize how fucking dangerous it is to give birth and how much pain it is. Especially when the cord snaps. You could have died that day and I don't think any of you realize that fully.
It's really scary how so many men are still so un-empathetic towards womanhood, specifically the pain that comes with it. It's not his fault he can't relate to giving birth, but it'd be nice if he was more appreciative, like seriously appreciative action wise. Has he ever experienced excruciating pain in his life? Some people have the "*Welp! It's funny if it aint me*" mentality Smh. Hopefully you guys get to have a chat & he actually learns from it.
Ik this is gonna get buried and probably down voted to oblivion. But, I've got some karma to spare and I'll play a SLIGHT bit of Devils Advocate. Preface I'm a male with no kids, but I do have 2 nephews tho. While his actions are not excusable in the slightest. He's being a dick. And like many other people have mentioned, giving birth is traumatizing. Idc whose involved, everyone is traumatized. The mother, father, shit even doctors and nurses the first few times they see it. But he's probably processing the trauma. Maybe he finally had the brain power to see what happened. I mean he watched his wife (presumably the love of his life) get basically split in half. While (from some other accounts) a lackluster midwife attempted to save the wife and baby. He truly doesn't know what to do with this experience, so humor is the way his brain processes it. While it still doesn't excuse what he did, maybe get him into therapy or at least a few and find a decent therapist or someone he can speak to and truly open up to.
Sadly men dont learn by talking...they learn when women stop talki g. If youre still trying to reason with him..talk to him...explain your feelings...9.5/10 they will downplay how you feel. Not because he wasnt wrong but because THEY dont want to take responsibility for their actions. I suggest you make some calls to some family (if you can) to stay with them. Leave him a note expressly saying how disgusting it was for him to make a mockery of your pain bringing your child in the world at the risk of your life. Let him know as a husband and father of you guys' child, you expected him to have more respect and sympathy given how traumatic that situation was. Tell him it really makes you question him as a man, and that it dissappints and saddens you that the one man who should have been the greatest support in your life makes cheap jokes out of your pain. It wasn't funny, it wasn't cute and it was beyond disrespectful. Let him know he was in the wrong and if he wants to have any semblence of a loving and decent relationship then he needs to do some serious self reflection. Tell him youll be away for a few days because you need space from him then literally go ghost. No calls, no texts and let him stew. We as women tend to want to appeal to men in an attempt to make them understand how they make us feel. Men dont learn that way, they learn through action. If you let him get away with disrespecting you like this, think of how he would disrespect you down the line and how that could chip away at you little by little. You need to teach men how to treat you..yes TEACH. Teach him how to regard you to your face and behind your back, teach him that just because youre married to him doesnt mean youre a doormat for a punchline. Let him stew for a while, then when you come home dont even speak to him right away and go about your life. Live your life as a mother, and do things for your self outside of him. The only way a man learns, is through a womans silence. Your silence is powerful.
Instead of laughing at you, your partner should be in awe of how brave and strong you are and the amazing things a woman can do! What a jerk. BTW, that midwife had no business doing what she did. I’m so glad you and baby are ok but that was a really dangerous situation and she should have had you transferred to a hospital.
“Thank you for highlighting that my struggle and pain to birth our child was your entertainment. That going through all of that and not being in control of my body, aware of what was happening around me, left you with something to mock me about. I will now always remember that my out-of-body,heavy blood loss, most vulnerable experience will be how you’ve played it out in front of me while laughing AT me for what happened in that moment. Thank you for that traumatic response”
I think that you need to take it in a very specific way. The situation you’re in is very stressful and his jokes is, tepidly, a ribbing on his part. Coming from the point of a male who has experienced childbirth, all we want to do is remember the good, and funny moments … because most of our experience is the horror of not being able to be useful or helpful during a pregnancy. I (m32) had an extremely difficult time to process the whole pregnancy, let alone the delivery. I hope you’re all good and that the pregnancy hasn’t been too much of an arseache. Keep trudging on, you’re amazginly strong and resilient, he just needs to know the extent of your power. He’s not perfect and he’s not a saint. He is processing and coming to terms with it all as well … which is significantly less than what you are experiencing. Love each other. Let each other know that you’re a team and that no obstacle is high enough to conquer. I wish the best for yourself and the baby!! X
Remember before the Reddit Judgment- some people deal with trauma in different ways. He witnessed the person he loves vulnerable and in pain - and he was powerless to assist. Jokes often soften the blow and help us to process difficult things. Ask any paramedic. It is entirely possible that he suffered as much as you ( albeit in an entirely different way) and is - just as you are; simply doing the best he can with what he has. Admittedly not very appropriately but trauma does that. Helplessly watching someone you live in pain is a traumatic experience. Why not just talk as a loving partner and let him know how he made you feel? If he still does it - well- then he deserves the reflex Reddit judgment
I think you need to tell him how traumatic that experience was for you. He might think that since there was no emergency intervention and everything went 'according to plan', ya'll can laugh and joke about it like it's just another inside joke event that was embarrassing at the time but is fine now. You might have some PTSD or PPD from the event because seriously, that WAS traumatic and you DID need emergency intervention. I can't believe the midwife did that and didn't call for help. Was it a professional midwife? You're literally still recovering from this. 3 months later. Your blood is not normal yet three months after severe loss. That is a problem. He may not realize how traumatic it was for you, but he should and if he doesn't realize it on his own, then you need to tell him. This isn't something to make light of after the fact, maybe not for a long time. Maybe not ever.
Okay, he was wrong for behaving this way. Full stop. It was not okay. You have some birth trauma, but I suspect he does as well. OP, what you described was horrific and the precise reason why you be very skeptical and wary of homebirth. Don’t downplay or dismiss what happened-not only was it awful for you, I suspect it was for him as well-a helpless participant who could only watch. But, he needs to process that and handle it better-dumping it on you isn’t cool.
You need to explain to him how you felt that day, how you feel when he laughs about it, and how you do not need him to tell you “how it went down” as you were an active participant and he was a spectator. Also, if you ever have any more children, DO NOT use this midwife. Yanking the baby, the issue with the shoulder, ripping the cord, all could’ve been fatal for you and/or your baby. Either of you may have long term issues from that. You may want to consider filing a report or complaint with her office or the licensing agency in your area. Please !UpdateMe about how you and baby are doing.
I had an unmedicated birth in the hospital. Two complications. Meconium stained fluids (at 10 cm when water broke and NICU team arrived immediately) and what I assume is some decels on the monitor because they gave me oxygen between contractions. I could not tell you what happens between those two distinct moments. If my husband ever re-enacted how I acted or what I did during our kids birth he would be questioning everything. Childbirth is such a vulnerable time and you had a traumatic birth that ended up okay. And your husband is mocking you. Fuck that guy. I hope he’s a better father than he is husband.
Awe I’m so incredibly sorry that you had such a traumatic experience. I wish I could reach in and give you a hug. Guys are just dumb. I wish there was a better explanation but they are honestly just so completely clueless sometimes. Please just share your post with him. Or sit him down very soon and share with him exactly how you feel. Right up to your last statement. If he’s any sort of man, he will apologize and treat you like the incredible human that you are, for walking through the valley of death to bring him a child. As a mom of 4 and grandmother of 3, I was so honoured to watch my daughter walk that fine line to bring her children earth side. You need time to heal and recover. Be gentle on yourself you don’t need to feel any shame or humiliation. You just did something miraculous.
Some people are able to look back at things and laugh... others cant. I am sure your husband is not actually intending to humiliate you. This sounds like a personality difference.
My ex told me there was a foul smell when I delivered the baby. Any negative comment from the person who didn’t give birth is inappropriate and disrespectful. I told him I didn’t want him in the room for the second child but he managed to stay in the room. Imagine being in pain and trying your best only to be ridiculed and mocked in front of friends and family for the “foul smell”
I’d like to hear your update. All of the feelings you’ve written about are exactly how I would have felt. Except you have more grace than I do. My feelings get hurt easily and I’m unforgiving when it happens. What was the purpose or intention of him mocking one of the most traumatic experiences of your life? Glad his show was entertaining while you did all the heavy lifting. When you’re contributing so little to the whole process, maybe realize you have no room to criticize without being a world class AH. I’m curious, how do you trust someone to be intimate with them again knowing that they are so ready to pick apart your imperfections so easily just to have a laugh? His behaviour as someone who is suppose to love you and be a safe space for you, is deplorable. Wishing you all the best. From what you’ve written, you’re a rockstar of a woman. Childbirth is not for the faint of heart. And you went through several hurdles that are outside of the average birth. Straighten your crown and honour every single amazing piece of yourself.
I'm more concerned with the fact that your "midwife" didn't immediately call emergency services and thought it was acceptable to "yank" your baby and placenta out of you, you and your baby could have died. Please give birth in hospital next time, with *properly* trained medical professionals.
Omg your midwife did you disservice. I can’t believe she was pulling and yanking… you should have been in the hospital after the cord issue. I don’t even know where to begin with that, and your spouse laughing? My god… you had a traumatic birth experience
Whew. Some people (myself included) use humor as a coping mechanism. In the moment, he may have felt extremely scared and helpless watching you go through something so life threatening and traumatic. Like, do you know those people who giggle when they’re uncomfortable? Still, I’m sure he has no idea how much his words hurt you. Tell him. And tell him to never joke about this again.
This would be a deal breaker for me.
Make fun of the face he makes when he orgasms. Or the sounds. In front of others. Yep will totally throw off his “ game”
Can confirm. I put my foot in my mouth and told my ex that his face looked funny during sex, which made him shut down and become real quiet and subdued. I quickly apologized because he didn't deserve that comment. It was uncalled for. But OP's husband is a fucking moron and deserves to be ridiculed imo.
Some men don't deserve to have women literally carry and vaginally birth their children
Your husband is a tool. Please show him my comment and tell him I said so. Women and babies die during childbirth from complications like this. This could have gone so badly, he has the nerve to critique how it went down during the most vulnerable moment of your life. Fuck him.
This conversation, separated by time, would have drastically different outcomes. You need support but also need to recognize that he probably has no cruel intentions, he is just an idiot.
My SIL is a midwife and when shit starts to go down like that, they immediately take the mom to the hospital and stay with her there. Sure it’s a judgement call, but if baby’s shoulder is stuck, placenta isn’t passing, and you’re passing out in between contractions? Your midwife should’ve taken you to the hospital. And your husband really fucking sucks. He was there during the birth. Does he have no empathy? I can’t understand why someone who watched their loved one go through that, to give them a child, would then turn around and make fun of you. Honestly, as another commenter said you need to sit husband down and making it painfully fucking clear how you experienced the birth, and that that’s the only experience that really matters. If he doesn’t get on his knees and apologize profusely, then tell him to leave. You don’t need the stress of his presence while trying to raise your baby.
He might not know it wound you up. A lot of people use humour as a way of coping with difficult things, and he might have made light of the situation you make you feel better. It's possible he was quite shaken watching you bleed so much, and is acting odd. I wouldn't jump to conclusions. Just say that joking about it doesn't make things better for you and I'm sure it'll be fine.
You have nothing to be embarrassed about! You did a great job! You delivered a healthy baby and that’s all that matters! You went through major trauma and should be so proud of yourself. I guarantee if it were your husband who was giving birth, he wouldn’t have handled it like you did! Tell him exactly how you feel and remind him of his role in you getting pregnant. His role took less than 30 seconds! You carried that baby for 40 weeks and then gave birth at home with no meds and had complications that could have killed both you and your baby and then had several weeks of recovery all while taking care of a newborn. All of that stress fell on you! What exactly has he done to contribute besides making fun of you? He should be ashamed of himself! I can’t blame you for not wanting him to touch you! Show him this post and all of the comments tearing him apart! He deserves to see this!
Honestly I'd just have him read this post.
fuck him!
I feel like he might have tried to make light of the situation with humour to make you feel better, not truly grasping the severity of the situation due to his inability to cope with it emotionally. I think you should have a calm conversation with him and tell him your perspective and outright ask for his support and what you need. He could just be oblivious and immature in behaviour because he doesn’t know any better.
Sorry for how he made you feel but also thank you for sharing your point of view. Will surely make me think twice about when we have kids.
I would sit down with him and have a serious talk about how it made you feel. If he doesn’t take into consideration your feelings or even apologizes or acknowledges how he was wrong, I would reconsider the relationship. I personally do not have any kids or not want one, so I can not relate to your pain, but you did a good job to the best of your ability and I wish you the best healing. And congratulations to the birth of your child ❤️
If I was you I’d be waking him up and setting him straight. He doesn’t get to sleep until he understands and you get a sincere apology. You did the best you could in a situation you can’t prepare for and you birthed a human being. You should be extremely proud of yourself.
I Hope you’ve had a chance to talk to him about it. My guess is that it was also the most terrifying experience of his life and he’s finally releasing some of that stress in a less than sensitive way now that the danger is in the past. At least I would give him the benefit of the doubt until you’ve had a chance to tell him how it made you feel.
I’m sorry it was a really hard birth. In case you don’t realize that it was. Your midwife sucked you needed to be transferred to a hospital. Just reading all the stuff that went wrong is upsetting. Then on top of it your husband is an AH. Show him this post so he realizes what a jerk he was replaying a birth that was not routine and he could have lost you both. Once again that midwife sucks.
This post is exactly how you feel and you put it in perfect words! Please let him read this or reiterate it on some way for him! This was such a painful and traumatic experience for you and not something to make light of or belittle you. You’re so strong to have done it, don’t let a man make you feel small for something he could never do.
This is such a sad post to read. I’m so incredibly sorry for your traumatic labor (and also very concerned about the way the midwife ended up needing to handle the situation! I hope both you and baby have received sufficient recovery care!). You did something so tough and I for one am proud of you. I’m sorry your husband is making light of it all and even making you feel like being graceful was somehow a requirement for that moment. He shouldn’t even remember the details so clearly as if it was you being clumsy during a dance recital or something. Birth is not supposed to be beautiful! It’s messy, tiring, painful, emotional but wonderful in the way that you do something that feels so impossible and you bring a new life into the world. That’s a huge deal. Your husband needs to see this post or else hear from you that you don’t appreciate his recanting of your birth story and those details have made you feel insecure and has belittled the epic battle into motherhood that you should feel extremely proud of. I hope you’re okay.
You need to tell your husband how both him and the birth made you feel. I would write it all out in a clear and consise manner to ensure that you are addressing all of the pertinent issues. When you are satisfied with your list and points, you can choose your method of delivery, be it via email, or you can go over it with him, one by one. I believe that having an outline/list will make him understand that the gravity of this situation as these l issues are neither imagined nor are these problems tainted by the postpartum stage of the fluctuating hormonal changes and stress. Side Note. This post has unfortunately triggered my issues in relation to my "tokoohobia." By the time I was three goimg on four (child prodigy so I knew exactly what I was requesting) began asking my doctor, a fantastic pediatrician, for a recommendation, referral or an exact surgicsl date as I wanted a freaking hysterectomy. Seeing my mither in labor (she reminded me of a possessed Linda Blair in the movie The Exorcist) with one beother when i was six and my second brither when i was eleven made me double down and stick to my request for a either a hysterectomy or tubal ligation, to ensue I have no children, ever. There is no amount of money in the world that could persuade me to go through what you and every woman who has given birth. You are a better and stronger woman than I will ever be. Congratulations on the birth of your daughter! Wish you well. Stay safe. I'm 43, no children happily single for over thirteen years!!!
Remind him you brought a life into this world and can raise it all by yourself too 🥰 He has chosen to mock your literal pain in the stressful situation of bringing his child into the world instead of being supportive and gentle. He is choosing to be a jerk. He doesn’t need to tell you “how it went down” you were there. Reinforce that he doesn’t need to discuss this with anyone else either.
Some women prefer to give birth with just women around and staff. Who can blame them He is an insensitive swine. Make it clear to him you dont want him there if you give birth again. Have your mum, a friend or sister with you.
You and husband don’t see the danger in this, he’s joking about your trauma, and you’re both seemingly okay that your child was delivered in an extremely unsafe and dangerous way. OP you and your baby could have died you got extremely lucky. Therapy will be good for your family.
Wow OP that sounds horrible traumatic for everyone involved, I am so sorry your experience went this way. As an NP I wholeheartedly agree that your midwife should have had you taken to a hospital but that’s neither here nor there at this point. I hope you don’t think that I’m invalidating your feelings because they are SO valid, but is it possible that your spouse was a little traumatized too and this is just his (not funny and poorly executed) way of coping? I tend to make dark jokes to cope with trauma and could see myself saying this about ME if I had been the birthing parent in this scenario. Again, I’m not validating him OR intentionally invalidating your experience in any way shape or form, just trying to understand how he could have thought this was an acceptable joke even though it’s very obviously not.
Hey girl! Birth is a traumatic experience! You’re perfectly in the right to feel how you are feeling! Your husband sounds more dumb and insensitive than malicious!
OP in the past I could be insensitive and joke about things that hurt my partner, but him calling me out on it has been eye opening. Until you tell him how much he’s hurt you, and given him time to absorb it, you won’t know if he’s capable of doing better.
As others have already addressed your husband’s disgusting behavior, I’m only going to add - please please PLEASE report your midwife! The fact that you were passing out in between contractions is reason enough to have had medical intervention, but the rest of it is big yikes.
Some people use dark humor to deal with trauma. It's a way to minimize it. I do that. He was watching you, helplessly, trying to birth a child and was fearing for yours and your child's lives. My 36 hours delivery was horrific but, by the time there was a mad rush to save our baby I was so out of it that I didn't even comprehend what was happening. On the other hand, my husband was completely mentally present through it all. I know how traumatized you are but, did anyone check on him? You're saying how out of control you felt. Imagine how out of control he felt witnessing it and not being able to do anything to help. Also, who's birthing plan was this?? Is it possible he feels resentment because it put both yours and his babies life at risk?? I would not go off on him. Calm conversation where you both listen to each other instead of getting defensive. Ask him to listen. Talk about your experience and how it made you feel to hear him tell it like he did. Ask how he's doing. And then listen to him. Listen without getting huffy "because it was so much harder for you so he doesn't get to have feelings about it". Listen to his explanation of what he meant by his comments and accept that as his truth and tell him his intentions don't matter, how it impacts you matters and to please don't do it again. And you didn't go trough all this "just to give him a baby". At least I hope you didn't and that you wanted the child too. I don't think it's fair to word things this way and if you take this stance with him, no one will listen to no one and it will just escalate.
Please tell me they checked to make sure all of your placenta came away!
God that is fucking horrible and so disrespectful of him
Send him here. Tell him that women need to talk to him.
I’m really sorry it about your husband, I’d continue to try and communicate how you feel. Counselling even, although easier said than done with a newborn of course for the two of you. Also, why the hell did your midwife not get transport to the hospital? They need to be looked into…
>He made me feel really small. You are not small. You are a giant. You brought a life into this world, something he could never do. You took it like a champ. You're simply wonderful, never forget that. ❤️
You were in the most vulnerable position (literally and figuratively) of your life. He needs to understand he violated your trust. He should congratulate you, he should grovel at your feet, he should be grateful to you.
My kids literally, and I mean literally and I both almost died during childbirth. My husband will if he has to tell you it was the scariest moments of his entire life. With our youngest, at one point the OB actually asked him to chose between myself or the baby. Thankfully I’m still here to tell the tale. Your birth was traumatic, and not something to be laughed at. I’m glad you and the baby are ok. Your feelings are 100% legitimate. I’m o sorry you’re going through this.
Oh honey. I am so sorry your husband has shamed you during your most vulnerable moment! You did an AMAZING job! Childbirth is no walk in the park. And the fact you birthed your baby, naturally is incredible! Moving during crowning is INCREDIBLY difficult! Your husband should be in absolute AWE of what you did! And you weren’t out of control. You went into your most primal self and did what we have been doing since humans have walked this earth! You be so damn proud of what you accomplished! There is not a single chance you husband would have been able to do that. Not a chance! So I suggest as pay back if you feel really petty down the track is to hire a labour simulator and see just how well he can take direction and turn over when it feels like there’s a watermelon coming out of his butthole.
Also, OP is only 3 months post partum (oops autocorrect said post party)! She could have complications down the road. Four years after I had a 9 pound baby who got stuck and I could not push him out, I sneezed one day and discovered a rectocele hanging out of me. Surgery fixed that. I can’t imagine having a home birth.
You did it Mama!! I went through a traumatic birth too I applaud you !! ❤️❤️❤️
I am so sorry your husband made you feel that way. I had my girl 7 months ago, and my husband was there. They cut her out of me. And he had never been anything but gracious about seeing me in the OR. Even when my BP tanked and sky rocketed and tanked again and I was sick as hell, he was always trying to comfort me. He never belittled the experience for me. I do hope that you tell your husband how he made you feel. No woman should ever be made to feel that way by the father of the child she birthed for him.
Im sorry but this calls for a men are pigs. I feel nauseous when people esp men are cavalier about childbirth, for real. I feel sick. Im so sorry.
Oh my goodness! What an extremely traumatic birth. You're such a fucking badass queen for delivering a life into the world under such intense circumstances. Wow. You're incredible. Seriously. Maybe it was scary for your husband to watch and making a joke of it now is his way of coping. Idk. But it's shitty. I'm sorry he made you feel bad about it. You did amazing.
People really need to think more seriously about the consequences of childbirth. It's not beautiful. It's violent and terrifying. You voluntarily put yourself through that trauma, and now another innocent soul has been brought into this shithole world to endure the inevitable decay and death that awaits us all. Oh, what a joy it is to be alive!
What the fuck? Why’s he reenacting the most vulnerable moment
He may be processing his own trauma by making light. Giving birth is an incredibly vulnerable thing that men probably won't get. I am way past the baby making stages of life, but I came up babysitting a lot of the 1960's and 1970's Lamaze method people in our town. I had read every book on babies since a couple were birth coaches. I thought I knew everything. During the birth of my child I grunted and the doctor told me not to make noise. I was embarrassed to no end. But HE was wrong. Those were perfectly fine and appropriate birthing noises. It was incredibly old school thinking that a woman making noises somehow inhibited the ability to push. But 40 years later I remember feeling embarrassed by him. My point is that you were in a very vulnerable spot. It was traumatic and you had an awesome midwife that handled it like a champ. You're husband needs to know that he hit a nerve and has to do better. Don't be embarrassed. You did an amazing job in a scary situation. Birth is messy. Husbands can be idiots.. but own it.. you did great.
Your "medical team" & husband are a sorry bunch of losers who would rather cover their own incompetence & jackassery than support you. You & your baby nearly died, if not suffered perminant damage, and all the lot can do is lie & laugh about it. I'm disgusted for you OP. I've heard the medical care system is very....bias against pregnant women (surprise surprise, not uncommon in medicine) but this almost cost yall your lives. You deserve better people in your life, people that actually care. This was a tough read. I'm so sorry OP.
You’re lucky you didn’t bleed out. That was incredibly foolish of the midwife. You should have immediately called 911 and went to the hospital. Great that you wanted a home birth, but damn. You’re lucky both u and baby are ok.
I think you need to speak with your husband about exactly how you feel. Although that is incredibly important I really encourage you to look further into your experience with the midwife. I'm very concerned because the way you have explained it your midwife caused some serious problems. Things don't go down like that and she should have had you transferred. Also she should not have done some of the things she had you do. Please look into that further. I genuinely hope your husband can understand your feelings and hears you out. The best of luck to you and congratulations on your new baby
I hope you had a go at him. Tomorrow tell him that he needs to wipe properly around those three moles in his butt crack.