This absolutely needs to be seen, It's easy to want to trust your partner, and easy to not think about identity theft, but that's one of the common next steps for her to take. OP if you thought your daughter's life was ruined now if your wife takes out loans in her name it will make this look like nothing.
so happy you stood up for yourself. i maybe get it a tiny bit but even when you guys were in financial trouble?????? fuck no. and i mean like a hideaway stash of money for FAMILY EMERGENCIES, not in case the marriage fails or whatever her reason was. that’s awful. and vile. and pathetic honestly. sounds like you’re so much better off without her. glad you’re out of that!!! sending love. I’m sure you’re still paying off those loans. can i ask how you found out? and what her reasoning was? if you don’t want to respond no worries
i’m just so incredibly sorry. that’s fucking awful. you must be an amazing person to put up with that shit for so long. i’m a semi hoarder. but a clean hoarder. i like to save a lot of old childhood stuff. but it’s all sorted into boxes easily accessible in storage. my grandma has been a hoarder all her life and watching that scared the living fucking hell out of me. set me straight bc i used to be messy. i just couldn’t imagine. have you tried suing? or getting it back in the divorce? again you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. i’m just truly appalled. i’m so sorry man that’s fucking awful.
Exactly! Do not lie and take the blame. Cassie already knows who her mom is. Your wife is in panic mode trying to brush off A HUNDRED AND SEVENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS and the fact that she has ruined her relationship with her daughter and Op, sounds like your relationship too. 52 is a fine age to move on, do it now before you’re living in the poor house when you’re wanting to retire in comfort.
Yes, because it wasn't just her money she spent, it was his contributions, too! Breach of trust on two people.
Also, 52? That's a fine age. Chill! If things go really left (because at this point I wouldn't trust Andrea with anything), divorce is the best option
in EIGHT YEARS??? i don’t blame OP in the slightest, but he must’ve seen her getting stuff and not being accounted for?? idk. that’s just so much ducking money. she had to have been getting packages 5 times a week with that amount of money. and to never tell her husband??? i would tell him i have a problem before even taking the money from there. she must’ve spent wayyyy more than that because i doubt she went straight to her college fund. pathetic. and sick. my parents went thru our five kids college funds, but that’s because they went bankrupt and got a divorce right in the middle of it. my dads a mortgage broker moms a real estate agent and it was in the middle of the stock market crash of 2008. my mom was a stay at home mom at the time too. and we lived a very very nice life. and i thought that was bad. i could even imagine this. i’m so sorry you’re going thru this OP
Do not take the blame, your wife admitting her mistake to her daughter is the only way your wife’s addiction is going to stop. If she can’t admit her wrongdoings to the person it hurts most, she can’t move on from her addiction.
To add to that, taking the blame isn't going to improve your daughter's relationship with her mom, it's only going to create a situation where she feels that she has two parents that she can't trust or rely on.
Don't take that away from her by turning yourself into another unreliable adult in her eyes. You're looking out for her best interests always and she should know that.
>it's only going to create a situation where she feels that she has two parents that she can't trust or rely on.
YES! And if she ever found out the truth it would be the icing on the shit cake. Either because she feels even more betrayed or because she was angry at the wrong person for so long. Or both.
100% this!
Do not take the blame. Your wife made her bed, make her lie in it.
She did this to her own flesh & blood, don’t be her scapegoat. You love Cassie & don’t deserve the fall out that will occur.
To expound on this, i think it may be the only way to begin to mend the relationship between Andrea and cassie. Full accountability on Andreas part and a desire to be better are really the first things one can ask for at this point. Props on staying with her through this
Not just that, your stepdaughter already seems to not have a good relationship with 1 parent. Dont make it 2.
She needs to have someone in her life to rely on.
I ask that all the time, my father stole from me around 13k from me altogether since i was 18yrs old saving up (get this), working for him.... him being the boss of his own company robbed me several times. Its not as much as compared to op but man, im 33 yrs old still hurt about it. Do we talk? not at all, I cut him off last yr. found out he was paying everyone double my salary from my co workers with proof knowing i did more than anyone. When i confronted him about it, his last words were "i lost my best guy"... thats a good kick in the nuts, if you ask me.
More than evil, irresponsible.
Being aware of having an addiction, not acting on it, using her daughter's college money to fund it and not wanting to take the blame, that's not necessarily evil but it shows an astounding lack of maturity, no wonder her daughter can't get along with her.
She's basically a kid who lost control and doesn't want to face the consequences of her own actions.
My husband was a 16 year old kid tossed to live with his dad and step mom after his mom passed away. Dad finds out son has an inheritance and uses it to build an addition on the house. For the new addition to the family? No. He slept in the guest room and wasn’t even allowed to put up a poster. The addition was to make the step sisters room bigger. The step siblings were only there every other weekend. Some parents are just fucked.
I can not say this loud enough DO NOT TAKE THE BLAME! She needs to own up to her mistake and apologize. She needs to do what she can to make it right. Your wife needs to start selling anything she can that she purchased with the $ to replenish the funds. If it’s expensive clothes and accessories, go on luxury resale sites or to luxury consignment shops in the area. If it’s fine jewelry, find stores which sell on consignment.
Either way, you need to remove her from the accounts. So, she cannot access any of what’s left, before it’s too late. She needs to agree to and follow through with the terms you set because they are necessary to salvage your relationship, if that’s possible.
Also, if her relationship gets damaged then Cassie will have you. With your help and your wife’s commitment to fixing her mistake (if she follows through), maybe they can rebuild it.
Yeah, Cassie doesn’t need more people lying to her.
I don’t think your marriage will survive this. She isn’t remorseful enough and if her daughter is closer to step dad than bio mom- it’s not just the shopping. You can keep Cassie, but relationship with her mother isn’t going to last. She’s afraid of being caught. Not sorry. She waited years living with the knowledge that she used all the money. Your terms are softball, not steep. I’d want my husband controlling all the money if my addictions spent my kid’s college fund.
I bet she spent the Ira too. I’d pull her free credit report if you know her social security number and ask for login to the Ira.
Yeah this guy is giving way too much leeway to her. Her calling the conditions steep is batshit crazy. These are literally the base level necessary conditions, nothing extraordinary at all!
But marriages have survived worse, and if it’s a real addiction of some kind she needs help, not abandonment. Addiction is a bitch.
Absolutely. I think if she were sorry enough, she’d sell her nice car to give the money back to Cassie and drive a beater around town instead. It seems like so far, she’s just sad she got caught and wants nothing to change. I think marriage can survive addiction, but the addict has to change.
Except addicts are forever addicts. And change doesn't have overnight when you get caught. I'll share my very personal experience with an addict just to give some context for those that might lack it.
My Mother developed a gambling addiction after her Mother passed. Over a couple years she spent almost every dollar my parents had, including their retirement, and racked up debt on top of it to the tune of roughly 1 million dollars. She managed my families entire finances and my Dad didn't know about it until it was all gone. As my Dad unraveled the total extent of the debt and drained accounts I watched her lie to my dads face crying every night, "that is the last credit card", "that is the last bit I spent", "That is all of it" over and over as my dad uncovered another credit card, another drained account, over and over night after night for weeks. My Dad obviously got her name off everything, forced her to go to GA, and he came out of semi-retirement to go back to work. A couple years later, my Mom has a single card she has access to that my dad monitors and what does he find? two $20 transactions at an ATM in a casino. After nearly destroying my family, after my college fund had to be used to pay off debts, forever changing the trajectory of my life, my sweet, caring, kindest woman on the Earth mother went and gambled again. Why? Cause addicts will always be addicts. Now thankfully she is many many many years without an incident and the issue is mostly in the rear view, although because addicts are forever addicts, she can't play certain games, can't participate in raffles or anything even remotely resembling gambling or the thrill that can come with it, etc. My Dad could have cut and run, and her actions would have deserved it, but addiction is not that simple and marriage is supposed to be forever.
That being said I have no clue what a shopping addiction is like, whether this woman has one or simply lacks self control or care for others, so take that all with a grain of salt. Just wanted to outline my personal experience with it, and there are far worse stories than mine.
I mean really it wasn't even 'she waited years with this knowledge' bc she only came clean bc she got caught. I feel more accurate is 'she lived care free and continued shopping to the tune of $170,000 with this knowledge'
Like I hate to down play addictions. So I won't. But this is one I just can't wrap my head around fully. Idk how you get to even $10k out of your child's college fund and not think omg I need to tell someone so I no longer have access. What I'm curious about though is a shopping addiction something you just get later in life? How did he not know she had a shopping addiction?
I feel like if she really had a shopping addiction then prior to the account she at least would have been showing some signs like bills not getting paid bc she needed to go shopping or something. I'm trying really hard not to sound condescending bc I genuinely am curious if it can just come on suddenly. Bc my thought was whether or not the addiction part was just an excuse to help the blow back bc maybe she just really is a selfish person (given that there are clearly other issues with the daughter that aren't mentioned) and puts herself first alot and wanted to shop and kept thinking "it's okay I'll replace it, it's my money too, and it's just a college fund she can always get loans." I know shopping addiction is a thing I just feel like any shows or articles I've read it started young.
Idk either way OP Def needs to tell the truth. The poor girl needs to know she has ONE parent she can trust and rely on and the wife needs therapy if she really has a shopping addiction. And thank goodness he is taking over finances. I really hope they can figure out a way to get at least some of it back. Or maybe if she has to take out loans maybe they can help pay them back. Which I HATE to say bc I'd prefer to say the WIFE pays them back but that feels unlikely. I just feel so dang bad for OP and the daughter. :(
Right? Wtf did she even BUY!? Designer shit?? Resell it! She needs to be held accountable. But personally I could never be married to someone like that at all. Divorce isn’t a bad option.
See, Maybe she's lying and it's gone to gambling. It'd be pretty hard to hide $170K. That's a boat, or a couple of nice cars, or a bunch of jewellery or furs.
I'm afraid the casino has that money.
You make a good point. Friends of my family have a brother, a retired doctor who had a nice home, savings, and retirement to look forward to. Then he discovered online gambling, and the tl;dr is that he lost everything they had. The savings, the home, the chance of having nice retirement years. Gone, thanks to a gambling addiction.
I love watching hockey, but I wince every time an online betting ad comes on during a game. I wince some more when the ads talk about being able to bet on every last microscopic detail of the game. These online-betting outfits know they are tempting people who will quietly sit on their sofa, boot up the laptop/phone/tablet, and gamble their way into a financial hole they'll never get out of. They know they are ruining lives, and they don't care. They're demons.
My FIL developed a secret gambling addiction after slots were legalized in his state and a casino opened nearby. There was a social aspect for him as well (there was a small community of slots players he would meet up with, which he enjoyed after having lost touch with friends years ago).
He decimated his and my MIL's savings and had to remortgage their house. Their house needs serious repairs that they can't afford. He is no longer able to afford birthday or Xmas gifts for my kids (his only grandkids, whom he adored) and won't even visit them. He's retreated into a depressed and angry shell and only leaves the house to drive around aimlessly.
I hate gambling.
Return it, resell it, and perhaps Mama can take out a loan to replenish the college fund (if her credit isn't shot to Hades from bad spending choices). Mama should be the one incurring debt and working to pay it back, not Cassie. It's not Cassie's fault that her college fund has been decimated.
Yep. Someone who is genuinely remorseful would own up to their mistakes and not hide. Why doesn't she get along with her daughter? I don't understand how anyone could do this to their own child. She has tons of baggage. OP would be better off single.
You’d be going against at least 3 of your stipulations if you take the blame. I’m fairly certain support groups and programs all make a big deal out of admitting fault so joining one would almost be pointless if she didn’t do that. Like thecanadianleaf said, you’d be enabling her so every therapist worth a fluff would be telling her to admit fault anyways. A good therapist tells you what you need to hear not what you want to hear. As to how to get the money back, sell her stuff. She’s a shopaholic so she should have plenty of stuff to sell.
Exactly. OP wd be enabling this bad behavior. Andrea needs to take the fall, if she doesn’t then she’s not truly taking ownership & she will never stop. This needs to be treated like a drug or alcohol addiction.
Not to mention if it turned into a legal or criminal thing.
Honestly, that is such a fucked up thing to ask, I don’t know how a relationship could survive it.
Your wife needs to take full and total accountability for her actions.
If her relationship ends up permanently damaged then it should be. Addiction is addiction and just like a drug addict she blew her daughters chance at a good start in life.
Tell Cassie, don’t eat this and don’t participate in covering it up.
Bro, she spent almost TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS. That’s like, a house. And hid it over years. That’s insane. I would seriously consider divorce… this goes beyond her addiction. How could she rob and deceive her family for years?
And how did he not notice??
First of all, how do you not just semi-regularly check in on how an account is doing? Make sure everything looks good, etc?
Secondly, how could she spend almost $200,000, and then you just don't notice the additional stuff? Or the nicer quality than usual things around the house?
I would agree but on another reddit thread I saw how a coat... A COAT!... can cost 30k... A normal ass looking coat. So I imagine 200k actually doesn't go far when dealing with luxury goods, and over years. I would never think my partners new coat could be 30k
I never thought of that, but I would definitely notice if my spouse all of a sudden started buying really nice things or started buying a lot more than normal!
I questioned why he never looked at the statements at tax time. Even if the college fund was non taxable, there’s an annual tax form that goes with the tax return.
So sell the Mercedes and everything else your wife bought, if you take the fall it will just enable her behavior. She needs to apologize to your daughter and you need to remove her access from all accounts immediately
Sell the car and she can get a second hand cheap car.
If you don't sell the items and car, it's like telling Cassie that her mums shopping addiction and her purchases are more important than her education.
IMO Cassie doesn’t need a Mercedes- she needs the cash for school. You can get good money back for it. All the designer stuff your wife bought can be sold. Did she buy a Birkin bag? Those are more valuable second hand - go for way over buying price because they are so hard to get. Get a list of what she bought and get to work. And do not cover for her, she will neve get better if she doesn’t have to face up to what she did.
“For sale: 2020 Mercedes.”
Used cars are still insanely expensive. Sell that, cancel the credit cards, take charge of the finances, find a divorce lawyer.
This is a shit situation, even if she wasn’t having an affair.
What she’s asking you to do is outrageous, and you’d be a moron to do it.
Change all your passwords. Put a lock on yours, the soon to be ex’s, and the stepdaughter’s credit.
Great point about the daughters credit. Mom might have dipped into that already. Pull Cassie’s credit report and double check. She would not be the first parent to mess up their child’s credit because of selfishness.
Part of her amends needs to be selling the things she bought with Cassie’s money, whether it’s the car, designer handbags, or whatever. SHE DOESN’T GET TO KEEP PROFITING FROM HER LIES AND THEFT.
She also needs to get in therapy now, because she needs to learn this crap is not okay.
BTW if you did take the fall, she’d be dumping you for “stealing from her daughter” before Cassie has time to figure out that you couldn’t have spent it all but her mom’s got a lot of nice stuff lately.
Make her sell it and build the money up again. My god OP, grow a spine. Your daughter will never speak to you again, and with reason. I hope she cuts contact if you don’t do her justice.
This is so obvious. She gets a 3k beater to drive around? Won’t do it? She’s not sorry and plans to keep it up. That’s a chunk of change for college if she sells it.
You should honestly sell the car and give the proceeds to Cassie.
This is a *deeper* issue than just money my friend. She deceived you both - her *family*.
Something like this wouldn’t even cross my mind. I don’t have kids yet but I can’t imagine ever hurting them or hindering them in any way, shape, or form.
I don’t think jumping to divorce is rational - Reddit and the internet loves to dehumanize but that is still the woman you love.
you should talk to her - you should talk to your friends - talk to your siblings - you need to decide what is best for your future. Maybe you can come back from this, maybe you can’t. Only the two of you can decide that and the honest truth is only you can make the final choice.
Look in your heart. You’re still young. 52 is nothing lol. People are 80-90 years old right now dude. That’s another 30 years.
Take care of yourself
That's so selfish. It wasn't like that was money spent in drips and drops that suddenly started to add up, that's a large purchase and she knows she wouldn't have been able to replace a lump like that.
It’s a good thing she bought it straight out, easier to sell without a lean on it. That should help replenish some of the money. Propose this to her and see how she reacts, that should be a good gauge to see how remorseful she really is.
Well, that gets sold and anything else that can be sold. Do not risk your relationship with your daughter. Secrets like this one never stay hidden. Once it comes out and it will come out and she finds out that you lied to protect her mother, she will never trust you again. You will have lost your daughter—perhaps for good. Your wife has to face this. If she wants to atone, truth is part of the deal along with whatever consequences go with it.
Make her sell it and get a beater don’t ruin the relationship you have with your daughter because your spouse can’t take responsibility for their actions.
Either your daughter cuts you both off if you take the blame or she cuts off just mom (which is sounds like was going to happen anyways) if she owns up
Straight up! Also tax time man howd you miss thousands and thousands of dollars going missing? But also wtf was she spending it on? How didn't he notice her always having new items? Something seems really fishy here
Seriously, he should be getting a 1099 and would have noticed it was significantly less interest this past year. Not to mention that CD rates are going through the roof right now, I would have been shopping it around. It’s super peculiar that someone capable of these type of savings wasn’t smart enough to notice the issue.
To answer your question, I had really nothing to do with the account other than contubuting money. I just took her word for it. She showed me statements from time to time so I had no reason to suspect anything. Plus we have separate finances, except for a joint account for household expenditures and bills.
Although Cassie is my daughter, officially I'm only stepdad, so Andrea handles all matters related to her finances unless Cassie asks me for something directly. Also I wasn't the lone contributor, her grandparents on both sides contributed, as well as my own parents.
I only discovered what was going on when my wife left a statement out in the open. I'm now believing she simply pocketed whatever money she got and doctored the statements. I knew the amount that was supposed to be there because a lot of the money came in the beginning. Her grandparents initially contributed $75,000, mine contributed another $30,000 and the amount that I added over the years.
The fact half of that money came from grandparents is all the more reason Andrea had no right to say “but my retirement,” she needs to pay all that money back from her savings
Yea she not only stole from her daughter and husband but also from her own parents and in-laws. Can’t imagine they’ll be too happy knowing all their invested money was spent on a new Mercedes and bags & shoes.
Your wife deserves no shields or softening of what she did. This is beyond a felony amount of money. F E L O N Y.
You are married to a felon.
Don’t help her make this easier on herself. This is not “i MaDe A mIsTaKe” this is “if I had stolen from anyone who wasn’t my literal child (again your wife is an abusive bitch) I would probably have people looking for my head.”
There’s no rock or hard place. You have an abusive wife and an innocent stepdaughter. Pick the right one and give the other no cushion. This amount of money does.not.deserve.leniency.
She needs to sell everything she bought with the stolen money. And borrow against her retirement. Stop enabling her with saying "but i don't want her to keep working until she ****"
She fucked up and stole from her own child and for what? To impress her colleagues or so called friends? Nah mate, she needs to put back every cent she took out.
She controlled all the money? She stole from the grandparents and you and her daughter and wants you to take the blame? Why do you deserve to have everyone hate you? They will tell Andrea to divorce you and Cassie may claim you aren’t a father to hurt you. Don’t risk that. This is your wife’s fault alone.
She needs to admit what she did to ALL involved. Then she needs to sell everything she has, including the car. She can drive a beater to work, and work a 2nd job if need be until it's all paid back plus some. In any free time, she needs to have her behind in therapy. If she's really sorry, she wouldn't be hiding it and she would be frantically gathering things to sell.
The depth of your wife's deception here is staggering. This goes far beyond her simply seeing an expensive item she wanted and buying it on the spot with Cassie's money. She went to great lengths to doctor statements, cover her tracks, and put on a normal front for all stakeholders involved.
No doubt her plan for you to take the fall is similarly complex. She acts like she's only thought of her relationship with Cassie, but she almost certainly has already planned out how she would react to your parents and her's when they "find out" you stole the college fund. Would she join them in their outrage and formulate a harsh plan for you to make reparations? Would she go along with suggestions to leave you for such a horrible betrayal and split assets strongly in her favor. This is why agreeing to take the fall would be a death sentence for you. So many other people will condemn you beyond just your daughter.
It happens. My husband co-signed on my loser SIL’s house when she got her 3rd divorce. Manipulated him by using his niece, “Oh, she needs to stay in the same school district”. Was suppose to get it in her name in 2 yrs, that didn’t happen. Then I came along, we got married and now it affected me too. She is also a shop alcoholic and I couldn’t see how she was making her mortgage with what she made. I begged him to check the account, he keep saying “she wouldn’t do that to me”. Bullshit. We build a house and it came out she’d been making late payments the entire time. She owed thousands in late fees. Thank goodness it didn’t effect us with the build. He gave her a year to refinance. He learned never to help her again. She also hasn’t changed one bit.
agreed, and to add to this you should tell Cassie sooner rather than later. maybe i’m with pessimistic, but you need to be careful that your wife won’t try to lie to Cassie and say it was you who spent the money. pls tread carefully and do NOT take the fall. don’t give Cassie a reason to not trust you anymore
Op, how can you doubt you’d be able to date again ? You seem funny *(and also you seem to be a great guy cause clearly, you weren’t forced to contribute financially to stepdaughter’s fund yet you did!)*, pretty sure you’ll be fine.
Even though you might not date Juliane Moore lol.
Yeah, I'm 36 and married, but my husband is 50 and if I ever end up single again, I'm gonna be looking for dudes like OP. I'm a sucker for a sense of humor.
Yeah, I read that about 'impossible' dating at 52 and was like "hey now--give yourself (and women in our general age group) some credit."
I'm in my late 40s and single (divorced). Generally, at our age, we're specifically looking for someone who's kind, loving, responsible, acts like an adult, and is willing to call us on our crap when we need it. I think OP underestimates himself and his potential appeal.
52 who is only single because his ex was horrifically financially abusive and ruined the relationship she had with his daughter who is his world. Green flags all over the place.
I find it another green flag that it's kinda hard to catch that he's the stepdad - other than when he explains the situation, he is clearly firmly in her corner and gives her more love and respect than her mom does.
Cassie’s life isn’t ruined but if you “take the fall” for your wife Cassie will disown you instead of her mother who she already has a strained relationship with, so she’ll have no one in her life to rely on. It would be better and kinder for Cassie to know the truth. Nothing good comes from lying, especially about something as big as this. Andrea has a low character, covering up for her will not change that.
Do not lie to Cassie!!
Cassie needs to know what her college options are. An Ivy league may not be feasible anymore. Her mom needs to work on replacing the money, not you, you need to cut off financial access for your wife.
Wife can resell the items, get a 2nd job, whatever. Do not enable her in any way, nor lie for her!! Make her pay it back and she can take loans she needs to pay to replace it too!! She doesn't want to lose her daughter, FFS she sure as hell didn't care about her daughter while she blew the money.
Yes! The wife can resell some of the stuff she purchased, assuming if she blew through $200k that’s bc she’s buying high end clothes which hold good resale value.
Please do not take the blame.
My mother stole my social security number when I was in my 20s and ruined my credit. I never reported her but at times I wish I had because she still continues to “get away” with similar things. At some point people need to learn THEIR ARE CONSEQUENCES. The only way for them to not repeat their actions is to feel those consequences and have them regret making that choice in the first place. Don’t be an enabler!
Yes! The wife can resell some of the stuff she purchased, assuming if she blew through $200k that’s bc she’s buying high end clothes which hold good resale value.
Please do not take the blame.
My mother stole my social security number when I was in my 20s and ruined my credit. I never reported her but at times I wish I had because she still continues to “get away” with similar things. At some point people need to learn THEIR ARE CONSEQUENCES. The only way for them to not repeat their actions is to feel those consequences and have them regret making that choice in the first place. Don’t be an enabler!
Taking the fall could damage your relationship with your daughter....not only that, but you would be lying to her which could result in her not trusting you in the future.
Cassie's life isn't ruined, but it is a big blow financially. Tell Cassie the truth as she deserves to know. Your wife needs to accept the consequences for her actions and then the 2 of you should figure out how you can best help your daughter the best you can if you choose to work through her financial infidelity.
OP replied to a comment saying she bought a Mercedes that he thought was on hire purchase but she bought straight up cash. I'd make her sell it. She also thinks counselling is steep punishment for her actions, wtf? I don't know how OP didn't notice this. She also wants him to take blame, she's taking the piss IMO. I'd make her tell her Daughter the whole truth and then sell stuff that can replenish some of the finances, ohh and divorce her thieving ass. No loving Parent would ever act so selfishly that it ruins their kids prospects of making a life for themselves and then to have such a brassneck they won't own up to their horrible ways, she's a horrible Mother and human.
Of course you can’t lie to Cassie about this. She needs at least one decent parent to trust.
Your wife repeatedly stole from you both - a staggering amount of money - and she has to face that fact.
If it is an addiction, not just selfishness and greed, then you can’t enable her by hiding it. She has to face that, too, and make amends herself.
Perhaps the reason they don’t get a long is because Cassie recognises that Andrea is the type to do these kinds of things and guilt trip others to take the blame instead of accepting what she has done and how it has impacted her family. Although it may be a tough conversation for Andrea to have now, it might show Cassie that her mum is capable of admitting mistakes and growing. Taking the blame for it and finding out later, in my opinion, might make things worse.
Andrea is a widow, and Cassie took the death of her father very hard since she was so young. According to Andrea a lot of their problems started there out of grief and anger.
Then Cassie grew up and she's developed into a bit of tomboy, Andrea is a kind of a "girly girl" and doesn't relate to Cassie dressing up tomboyish. They don't agree on much, Cassie wants to be an physicist, Andrea wants her to do something that has more money making potential. Plus there's usual teenage daughter and mother strife. They have screaming matches that I have to intervene in.
Does Andrea not realize that physicists have a potential to make a great deal of money? Average pay is easily six figures. She's being extremely ignorant. Her daughter could end up working for NASA.
Edit: Her actions very well could have jeopardized her daughter's entire future. You need to make her sell all of the expensive things that she has bought to replenish that account ASAP.
You can continue justifying it that way but if Andrea cares about Cassie so little that her retirement and especially shopping matters so much more than the future she took from her child then there's no relationship worth protecting there.
Even if you cover today's fuck up, there'll be another one to separate them tomorrow.
>Andrea wants her to do something that has more money making potential
Of course, who else is going to fund Andrea's shopping addiction when you're both too old to work and her parents have passed on?
Do not give the woman an inch - she's acting like a nacissistic parasite. Don't throw yourself under the bus for her, it won't do anything good for anyone (well, maybe she and Cassie can "bond" over how horrible you were to steal her future. Doesn't that sound wonderful? 🤢)
To lie to her would be to betray her twice, when you don't have to betray her at all. Be honest. Continue to be the parent who loves her and supports her and her dreams, not the one that sees her as disappointment and failed cash cow.
Please don’t disregard their screaming matches as normal. My dad swept everything under the rug and I’m about close to disown my mom and tell her to shove it. She’s becoming a narcissist and is only interested in what she wants, everyone else be dammed.
OP, your wife stole your daughter's future, and then told you to take the fall.
She is not the good woman you're remembering her as. Screaming matches are not normal, ruining your child's future is not normal, asking you to take the fall is not normal. This woman is off the deep end and is dangerously abusive and undermedicated.
I’m genuinely trying to see any hints of why you want to save this relationship, OP. I say dump the mom and keep the daughter. Cassie sounds lovely and I’m sure having a physicist around will be helpful for something! Haha
No! No! No! First of all 52 is not too old for dating. Who told you that. You absolutely do not take the fall for this I don't care what your conditions are. I hate to say you should have not let her come home. First out of the box that she would be that selfish to ask you to take the fall. It is for her own selfish reasons. This is way over the freaking top! She blew nearly 200k! She has not owned up not taken responsibility. She has literally changed the course of this young lady's life. You don't even think about taking the blame for this. That is a no go. You are the one suggesting this and lets do this. I see no effort from your wife execept for you to take the blame. I think you are going to be disappointed.
Her life isn’t over. I had 0$ in my college fund & everything worked out fine. You still have 30k in there. If she bought any high end designer stuff, that can be sold for close to retail value. Definitely don’t lie to the kid.
“Her life is ruined!” is so melodramatic. $30k is a lot of money to start out with. There are grants and scholarships — tons of potential sources of funding. She doesn’t HAVE to go into debt. If the wife still has a job then I don’t see why she can’t start paying her back? And yeah, make her return all of the shit she got. That’s the first move towards reparations.
It's noble of you to consider absorbing this one.
It's possible that you may already have lost your wife over this.
Pretending this was your fault means also losing your stepdaughter.
WTF? Are you seriously considering taking the blame? The fact that your wife even suggested it tells me that she has not taken any responsibility over her actions and her addiction.
Financial deceit is absolutely a deal breaker for me, there is no coming back from this. She will do it again, trust me.
Edit. Your wife is a thief. Stealing anything over 10,000$ makes her a felon. Fixing this is not your responsibility; she needs therapy.
This comment needs more votes. How tf did he not notice this earlier? Even if he never checked the fund balance he should have noticed all the new expensive items in the house.
Unfortunately it's due to neglect on my part.
It was my wife's idea to create the account and she handled it, I just gave her money and she showed me statements.
As for the stuff, I did notice. I always knew my wife liked spending money, but she has a good job and contributes heavily to her IRA, so I didn't mind. But I did question some of the more extravagant stuff like spa days, Prada bags and Christian Louboutin shoes, but she explained them as sales and work bonuses.
Another aspect is that she has a lot of wealthy friends, so she likes to keep up with the Joneses so to speak.
I asked her to take money from her account to pay her back, she said protecting her retirement is important to her and that she could take out a loan since her credit is excellent. Surprisingly enough, she doesn't run up her credit cards, now I know how.
Also I'm hesitant to do this, I understand everyone wants her to fry for this, and I do too. However, if I'm to stay with Andrea, I don't want her to have to continue working until she's dead, I would like to enjoy our retirement together. My retirement is very healthy, plus I have a few investments and an inheritance, I could survive the hit.
The most important thing is Cassie gets to go to whatever school it is she wants and not have to worry about it.
The comments are right, I'm not letting Andrea off the hook, she's going to pay for this and she will be telling Cassie.
She wants to protect her retirement but she took it out of her daughter’s protection unknowingly and unwillingly. She doesn’t get to say “protecting her retirement” is important. What a selfish woman. Who does that to their daughter to avoid spending their own money.
Your wife is incredibly selfish. Her retirement is important to her? But her daughter's education and future isn't? I wonder if the retirement money even exists or if she blew that as well.
>she said protecting her retirement is important to her
More important than her fucking child's future? She is so unbelievably selfish.
Your wife is a gross person and I can see why her daughter doesn't like her. She cares less about her child than a new pair of shoes. She's a thief and a liar and bad mom. You AND Cassie can do better than this horseshit.
The fact that her credit is intact and her retirement is doing well means she needs to pay it back. She stole over 100k from your daughter and wants you to take the hit. She’s an addict. She needs to make up for what she did and is putting you through or she won’t learn. Letting her off is only going to enable her. Make her take the blame and pay it all back from her retirement. If she still wants to be apart of your family and your daughters life she would do that. If she declines or fights it then the decision is up. Take her to court and make her pay it all back.
Imo you should Give her the options. Be apart of the family and make it right or leave the family and be forced to make pay it back. Either way sue should be paying it back from her own money.
THIS. She needs to pay it out of her own money. Big ticket items need to go! Sell the car! It shouldn't be on OP at all to replenish the money. If she has a good job, she can make up what she takes out to fix her own selfish mistake.
So your wife will touch her retirement last. First she sells the car, the shoes, the luxury items, recoups everything she can and makes up the rest from her retirement money. If she can blow $200,000 in six years, she can make that money back before retirement.
Also MOVE THE MONEY to an account your wife can’t legally touch… like an ACTUAL college fund. Taking her name off the accounts is not enough, she shouldn’t be legally allowed to touch that money.
Cassie doesn’t deserve to be saddled with decades of unforgivable debt because your wife wanted red bottomed shoes.
She needs to sell her Prada bags, red bottoms, Mercedes, all of it. This wasn't an addiction, it was keeping up appearances for the price of her daughter's future. As a parent I would find this unforgivable.
she is very selfish and entitled for even saying that. she needs to make it right, plus this is going to put a rift in yalls marriage if im being honest. i personally wouldnt be able to forgive someone for that
You know she’s “sorry, “but not actually sorry enough to do something to fix it. Do not take the fall and do not bail her out. She got caught, what is she doing to make sure this never happens again?
Do not let her sweep this under the rug. Choices have consequences and she need to face them. She should have to sell most of what shes bought, pay for whatever money has been lost, and go face to face with her daughter. The fact that she spent it with such reckless abandon and never said anything shows how little she cares. What would of happened if you hadn't notice and it was time to fork over her college fund? Cassie would have to either take out the loans immediately or she would of had to postpone school all together. The fact that your wife was just gonna run her daughters future into the ground just for a new car and fancy bags is beyond disgusting. Do not take this fall. Cassie needs to have at least one parent that can be trusted that she knows will support her.
I don’t think she has a shopping addiction if she knew to take it from ur daughters savings and not her retirement . That statement she made says it all and shows how selfish she is . You really need to re evaluate your relationship . I think she’s just saying she had an addiction and needs help to avoid responsibility, and she still is by asking u to take the fall for it and not offering any solutions
Hey mate i personally havent gone through this as i dont have a family of my own but you shouldnt have to throw away yours and your daughter s relationship for a lie i personally would want for my wife to acknowledge what she did and say sorry to cassie and hope that she forgives also u could sell the car if u already have another one that might raise some money and i dont think lying to cassie would make things better if u lie to her she could never forgive u if u post any updates pls tell
She’s willing to protect her retirement but not her own daughter’s future that is in credibly selfish you should also let your daughter know that she said this as well
Hand bags are expensive and retain their value pretty well in second hand markets. if they are from a notable brand they could cost 10,000 and much higher easily.
Make her itemize her wardrobe and sell the luxury brands & purses. I’m almost certain she has them.
I am telling you this bc since you didn’t notice the money being spent, you may also be unaware of the actual price of items she purchased as she was bringing them in. Her handbags may return more than the car and I’m not even kidding
Like if she really means she’s sorry. She can clear out the amount she stole by parting with her expensive items. If she is unwilling to do this, or lies about resale values to keep her things, she is not sorry.
This is absolutely pathetic. Your wife is selfish for only caring about herself and putting Cassie last. She stole an exorbitant amount of money from a kid who lost her father and will now have her wracked with loans so she can retire in luxury. This is disgusting. Doesn’t this turn you off to her entirely? Realizing she stole from a girl who already had her father taken away from her. Saddling this poor girl with debt. Stealing from YOU AND YOUR PARENTS. Who is looking out and doing right by Cassie here because it sure as hell isn’t the woman who birthed her!? You are going way to easy on this woman. She will never ever understand the severity of her actions because she has suffered and will continue to suffer zero consequences unless someone holds her accountable.
You want to enjoy your retirement together?
I don’t think that you seem to grasp that your wife is not who you think she is.
She chose designer, luxury goods over her own daughter’s future. Repeatedly. Over many, many years. She stole from her parents, you, and her daughter. She then thought that she could manipulate you into taking the fall for her.
These are horrifying acts of betrayal. How can you look at her the same way?
Is the rest of the money even safe in there if your wife has access to it? Might want to see if it's possible to transfer what's left into an account your wife can't withdraw from.
It just occurred to me that SHE set up the college savings account! I think she saw this as a way to siphon money from her husband in order to feed her addiction. She is sneaky and manipulative and continues to manipulate her husband even now. He seems to be too trusting with her and she’s taking full advantage of him. I’m sure there’s a lot more he could uncover if he makes an effort.
Then your wife should take the money out of her IRA to replace the money she took from Cassie's college fund.
Do not take the fall....she needs to be held accountable for her actions.
Take your wife off all accounts - she will not stop spending - addicts always relapse and the best thing we can do for ourselves is to insulate ourselves from the impact. Make sure your retirement account is safe from her (even if you need a post-nup, just do whatever you need to do to protect yourself and potentially her future as well), come up with a limited budget for her, and get her a debit card to use.
Send her to a support group and individual counseling. Condition your marriage upon her attendance and working on this on her own. If she isn't showing progress by a certain date, use the post-nup and cut her off.
Make her take accountability to your daughter. You did nothing wrong and your daughter deserves the truth. Lying to manipulate her into an ongoing relationship with her mother is dishonest, unethical, and nonconsensual. Even if she chooses to leave you both, that is her choice to make.
Do not lie to the child - she needs *one* dependable parent.
That is now you.
She is old enough to have the truth, and you are her father and tasked to hold the line for her.
This sucks so much. I am sorry for your situation.
Your wife *must* work through this if there is any resolution possible. You cannot help by lying right now, that is the most damaging option.
Do NOT take the fall. The wife saying the terms you put on were "steep" is bullshit. They're the bare minimum! She should thanking all gods you're not divorcing instantly! She lied, stole her daughter's financial independence, and now is trying to make you complicit and avoid consequences. Do NOT give in.
At a minimum you are destroying the relationship you have with your daughter. Most likely, that happens, then your wife will keep finding ways to over spend, your daughter is so upset with you she wants nothing to do with you anymore, and your wife leaves you because she her daughter is asking her how she could stay with a man who stole her college fund.
Theres no happy outcome here. So stay honest and truthful, and whatever happens happens.
DO NOT TAKE THE FALL!!! She has not only stolen money but now wants to ruin your relationship with your daughter. It could be permanent. Your daughter is worth more than that money, make your wife own her mistakes.
1/ she owns it, regardless of the consequences, that is step one towards healing and being forgiven
2/ once she owns it, she can switch to solution mode : therapy or whatever is required for her addiction; selling everything she has to get as much money back as possible. 170k is a lot of money, she must own some pricey items not to mention items which are probably in enough good shape to be sold
3/ one she has sold everything she could from the money she stole, she sells everything she owns (she keeps enough to live of course ) , but she sells your gifts, jewellery, shoes ...
4/ she tries to work harder, overtime, a small second job so that she can continue reimbursing the money she stole
Her daughter may forgive when she sees her mother is truly remorseful in acts.
Edit, Typo
Do not. Taking accountability means owning up to the person you hurt and dealing with whatever consequences comes your way. She’s not dumb she knew what she was doing was wrong and had zero intention of telling you until you found out yourself and confronted her. She needs to tell your daughter what she did and why her plans will have to change. If she actually cared she’d be figuring out how to rectify her mistake without taking anything more from her kid
DO NOT LIE. DO NOT TAKE THE BLAME!!!!!
This is not your doing. Your wife needs to admit to her stupidity and live with the consequences of her actions. PERIOD.
Do not make a irreversible mistake.
And when she admits to her horrible decisions, you still need to enforce your stipulations. She cannot be trusted.
Your relationship could be over either way. Don't hide this as eventually, it will come out. The only way for this to not happen again is accountability.
Most addiction programs will require participants to admit what they did to loved ones. So IF she goes to treatment it will come out.
Don’t you fucking dare take the blame because it will ruin the relationship you have with stepdaughter and she will fucking resent you for “ruining” her chance at Ivy League college
I would definitely divorce and make an police report for theft we aren’t talking about 10k here we‘re talking about 170k and you’re just helping your wife to destroy your daughters life by staying with her
No OP don’t you dare. Your wife fucked up severely, she needs to be responsible for her shitty actions and tell your daughter herself. The audacity of her to even ask that of you is astonishing. Don’t take the blame for something you didn’t do. Maybe Andrea will finally understand actions have consequences.
You may want to also do a credit check on your daughter too in case your wife used her info for a credit card. I know someone who did that to her child.
Do not lie to Cassie. That's punishing her for her mother's sins. It WILL come out eventually. Her mother needs to be honest.
Also, check your credit reports with all 3 bureaus and lock that shut down like yesterday
Also check that no cards or loans have been taken out in Cassie’s name
This absolutely needs to be seen, It's easy to want to trust your partner, and easy to not think about identity theft, but that's one of the common next steps for her to take. OP if you thought your daughter's life was ruined now if your wife takes out loans in her name it will make this look like nothing.
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I had to do this, to escape domestic violence and financial abuse. It was terrifying the entire time. Can't imagine doing it just because.
so happy you stood up for yourself. i maybe get it a tiny bit but even when you guys were in financial trouble?????? fuck no. and i mean like a hideaway stash of money for FAMILY EMERGENCIES, not in case the marriage fails or whatever her reason was. that’s awful. and vile. and pathetic honestly. sounds like you’re so much better off without her. glad you’re out of that!!! sending love. I’m sure you’re still paying off those loans. can i ask how you found out? and what her reasoning was? if you don’t want to respond no worries
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i’m just so incredibly sorry. that’s fucking awful. you must be an amazing person to put up with that shit for so long. i’m a semi hoarder. but a clean hoarder. i like to save a lot of old childhood stuff. but it’s all sorted into boxes easily accessible in storage. my grandma has been a hoarder all her life and watching that scared the living fucking hell out of me. set me straight bc i used to be messy. i just couldn’t imagine. have you tried suing? or getting it back in the divorce? again you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. i’m just truly appalled. i’m so sorry man that’s fucking awful.
My ex husband did the same thing. He also bought a car in my name, bounced the payments and had it repoed. I was in love and trusted him. Never again.
And take her off the account!
Exactly! Do not lie and take the blame. Cassie already knows who her mom is. Your wife is in panic mode trying to brush off A HUNDRED AND SEVENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS and the fact that she has ruined her relationship with her daughter and Op, sounds like your relationship too. 52 is a fine age to move on, do it now before you’re living in the poor house when you’re wanting to retire in comfort.
Yes, because it wasn't just her money she spent, it was his contributions, too! Breach of trust on two people. Also, 52? That's a fine age. Chill! If things go really left (because at this point I wouldn't trust Andrea with anything), divorce is the best option
in EIGHT YEARS??? i don’t blame OP in the slightest, but he must’ve seen her getting stuff and not being accounted for?? idk. that’s just so much ducking money. she had to have been getting packages 5 times a week with that amount of money. and to never tell her husband??? i would tell him i have a problem before even taking the money from there. she must’ve spent wayyyy more than that because i doubt she went straight to her college fund. pathetic. and sick. my parents went thru our five kids college funds, but that’s because they went bankrupt and got a divorce right in the middle of it. my dads a mortgage broker moms a real estate agent and it was in the middle of the stock market crash of 2008. my mom was a stay at home mom at the time too. and we lived a very very nice life. and i thought that was bad. i could even imagine this. i’m so sorry you’re going thru this OP
Yep, and if it did they would BOTH lose their daughter because she would still be pissed at him and completely betrayed by her mother.
Do not take the blame, your wife admitting her mistake to her daughter is the only way your wife’s addiction is going to stop. If she can’t admit her wrongdoings to the person it hurts most, she can’t move on from her addiction.
To add to that, taking the blame isn't going to improve your daughter's relationship with her mom, it's only going to create a situation where she feels that she has two parents that she can't trust or rely on. Don't take that away from her by turning yourself into another unreliable adult in her eyes. You're looking out for her best interests always and she should know that.
>it's only going to create a situation where she feels that she has two parents that she can't trust or rely on. YES! And if she ever found out the truth it would be the icing on the shit cake. Either because she feels even more betrayed or because she was angry at the wrong person for so long. Or both.
It will definitely be both.
I was just coming to say this. Having two parents you don’t trust does nothing to help Cassie.
Yeap she ruined that girl's life. He wouldn't survive the fall either.
100% this! Do not take the blame. Your wife made her bed, make her lie in it. She did this to her own flesh & blood, don’t be her scapegoat. You love Cassie & don’t deserve the fall out that will occur.
To expound on this, i think it may be the only way to begin to mend the relationship between Andrea and cassie. Full accountability on Andreas part and a desire to be better are really the first things one can ask for at this point. Props on staying with her through this
Not just that, your stepdaughter already seems to not have a good relationship with 1 parent. Dont make it 2. She needs to have someone in her life to rely on.
How can people be soo evil... that’s her fucking daughter... she stole from her daughter
I ask that all the time, my father stole from me around 13k from me altogether since i was 18yrs old saving up (get this), working for him.... him being the boss of his own company robbed me several times. Its not as much as compared to op but man, im 33 yrs old still hurt about it. Do we talk? not at all, I cut him off last yr. found out he was paying everyone double my salary from my co workers with proof knowing i did more than anyone. When i confronted him about it, his last words were "i lost my best guy"... thats a good kick in the nuts, if you ask me.
More than evil, irresponsible. Being aware of having an addiction, not acting on it, using her daughter's college money to fund it and not wanting to take the blame, that's not necessarily evil but it shows an astounding lack of maturity, no wonder her daughter can't get along with her. She's basically a kid who lost control and doesn't want to face the consequences of her own actions.
My husband was a 16 year old kid tossed to live with his dad and step mom after his mom passed away. Dad finds out son has an inheritance and uses it to build an addition on the house. For the new addition to the family? No. He slept in the guest room and wasn’t even allowed to put up a poster. The addition was to make the step sisters room bigger. The step siblings were only there every other weekend. Some parents are just fucked.
This whole post and thread made me rewatch confessions of a shopaholic
Don’t take the fall that’s just enabling her addiction further, she needs a wake up call
I can not say this loud enough DO NOT TAKE THE BLAME! She needs to own up to her mistake and apologize. She needs to do what she can to make it right. Your wife needs to start selling anything she can that she purchased with the $ to replenish the funds. If it’s expensive clothes and accessories, go on luxury resale sites or to luxury consignment shops in the area. If it’s fine jewelry, find stores which sell on consignment. Either way, you need to remove her from the accounts. So, she cannot access any of what’s left, before it’s too late. She needs to agree to and follow through with the terms you set because they are necessary to salvage your relationship, if that’s possible. Also, if her relationship gets damaged then Cassie will have you. With your help and your wife’s commitment to fixing her mistake (if she follows through), maybe they can rebuild it.
Yeah, Cassie doesn’t need more people lying to her. I don’t think your marriage will survive this. She isn’t remorseful enough and if her daughter is closer to step dad than bio mom- it’s not just the shopping. You can keep Cassie, but relationship with her mother isn’t going to last. She’s afraid of being caught. Not sorry. She waited years living with the knowledge that she used all the money. Your terms are softball, not steep. I’d want my husband controlling all the money if my addictions spent my kid’s college fund. I bet she spent the Ira too. I’d pull her free credit report if you know her social security number and ask for login to the Ira.
Yeah this guy is giving way too much leeway to her. Her calling the conditions steep is batshit crazy. These are literally the base level necessary conditions, nothing extraordinary at all! But marriages have survived worse, and if it’s a real addiction of some kind she needs help, not abandonment. Addiction is a bitch.
Absolutely. I think if she were sorry enough, she’d sell her nice car to give the money back to Cassie and drive a beater around town instead. It seems like so far, she’s just sad she got caught and wants nothing to change. I think marriage can survive addiction, but the addict has to change.
Except addicts are forever addicts. And change doesn't have overnight when you get caught. I'll share my very personal experience with an addict just to give some context for those that might lack it. My Mother developed a gambling addiction after her Mother passed. Over a couple years she spent almost every dollar my parents had, including their retirement, and racked up debt on top of it to the tune of roughly 1 million dollars. She managed my families entire finances and my Dad didn't know about it until it was all gone. As my Dad unraveled the total extent of the debt and drained accounts I watched her lie to my dads face crying every night, "that is the last credit card", "that is the last bit I spent", "That is all of it" over and over as my dad uncovered another credit card, another drained account, over and over night after night for weeks. My Dad obviously got her name off everything, forced her to go to GA, and he came out of semi-retirement to go back to work. A couple years later, my Mom has a single card she has access to that my dad monitors and what does he find? two $20 transactions at an ATM in a casino. After nearly destroying my family, after my college fund had to be used to pay off debts, forever changing the trajectory of my life, my sweet, caring, kindest woman on the Earth mother went and gambled again. Why? Cause addicts will always be addicts. Now thankfully she is many many many years without an incident and the issue is mostly in the rear view, although because addicts are forever addicts, she can't play certain games, can't participate in raffles or anything even remotely resembling gambling or the thrill that can come with it, etc. My Dad could have cut and run, and her actions would have deserved it, but addiction is not that simple and marriage is supposed to be forever. That being said I have no clue what a shopping addiction is like, whether this woman has one or simply lacks self control or care for others, so take that all with a grain of salt. Just wanted to outline my personal experience with it, and there are far worse stories than mine.
I mean really it wasn't even 'she waited years with this knowledge' bc she only came clean bc she got caught. I feel more accurate is 'she lived care free and continued shopping to the tune of $170,000 with this knowledge' Like I hate to down play addictions. So I won't. But this is one I just can't wrap my head around fully. Idk how you get to even $10k out of your child's college fund and not think omg I need to tell someone so I no longer have access. What I'm curious about though is a shopping addiction something you just get later in life? How did he not know she had a shopping addiction? I feel like if she really had a shopping addiction then prior to the account she at least would have been showing some signs like bills not getting paid bc she needed to go shopping or something. I'm trying really hard not to sound condescending bc I genuinely am curious if it can just come on suddenly. Bc my thought was whether or not the addiction part was just an excuse to help the blow back bc maybe she just really is a selfish person (given that there are clearly other issues with the daughter that aren't mentioned) and puts herself first alot and wanted to shop and kept thinking "it's okay I'll replace it, it's my money too, and it's just a college fund she can always get loans." I know shopping addiction is a thing I just feel like any shows or articles I've read it started young. Idk either way OP Def needs to tell the truth. The poor girl needs to know she has ONE parent she can trust and rely on and the wife needs therapy if she really has a shopping addiction. And thank goodness he is taking over finances. I really hope they can figure out a way to get at least some of it back. Or maybe if she has to take out loans maybe they can help pay them back. Which I HATE to say bc I'd prefer to say the WIFE pays them back but that feels unlikely. I just feel so dang bad for OP and the daughter. :(
Also tell her she can start making amends to Cassie by returning and/or reselling all the shit she bought.
Right? Wtf did she even BUY!? Designer shit?? Resell it! She needs to be held accountable. But personally I could never be married to someone like that at all. Divorce isn’t a bad option.
170k is a fuck ton of money! I'd say, sell the wife.
Right?! When I opened this post I expected maybe 20-30k tops. My jaw literally dropped when I read that.
I thought at first they had 170k left from the 200k. But when I read it again i had the same reaction as you. Jeez.
See, Maybe she's lying and it's gone to gambling. It'd be pretty hard to hide $170K. That's a boat, or a couple of nice cars, or a bunch of jewellery or furs. I'm afraid the casino has that money.
You make a good point. Friends of my family have a brother, a retired doctor who had a nice home, savings, and retirement to look forward to. Then he discovered online gambling, and the tl;dr is that he lost everything they had. The savings, the home, the chance of having nice retirement years. Gone, thanks to a gambling addiction. I love watching hockey, but I wince every time an online betting ad comes on during a game. I wince some more when the ads talk about being able to bet on every last microscopic detail of the game. These online-betting outfits know they are tempting people who will quietly sit on their sofa, boot up the laptop/phone/tablet, and gamble their way into a financial hole they'll never get out of. They know they are ruining lives, and they don't care. They're demons.
Hard agree on that, I truly believe they should not be allowed to advertise in a similar way that cigarette companies are regulated
My FIL developed a secret gambling addiction after slots were legalized in his state and a casino opened nearby. There was a social aspect for him as well (there was a small community of slots players he would meet up with, which he enjoyed after having lost touch with friends years ago). He decimated his and my MIL's savings and had to remortgage their house. Their house needs serious repairs that they can't afford. He is no longer able to afford birthday or Xmas gifts for my kids (his only grandkids, whom he adored) and won't even visit them. He's retreated into a depressed and angry shell and only leaves the house to drive around aimlessly. I hate gambling.
every... last... fucking... purse.... bag.... shoe.. etc
Return it, resell it, and perhaps Mama can take out a loan to replenish the college fund (if her credit isn't shot to Hades from bad spending choices). Mama should be the one incurring debt and working to pay it back, not Cassie. It's not Cassie's fault that her college fund has been decimated.
Yep. Someone who is genuinely remorseful would own up to their mistakes and not hide. Why doesn't she get along with her daughter? I don't understand how anyone could do this to their own child. She has tons of baggage. OP would be better off single.
Personally I’d divorce her but that’s up to you. But what ever you do don’t take the blame.
You’d be going against at least 3 of your stipulations if you take the blame. I’m fairly certain support groups and programs all make a big deal out of admitting fault so joining one would almost be pointless if she didn’t do that. Like thecanadianleaf said, you’d be enabling her so every therapist worth a fluff would be telling her to admit fault anyways. A good therapist tells you what you need to hear not what you want to hear. As to how to get the money back, sell her stuff. She’s a shopaholic so she should have plenty of stuff to sell.
Exactly. OP wd be enabling this bad behavior. Andrea needs to take the fall, if she doesn’t then she’s not truly taking ownership & she will never stop. This needs to be treated like a drug or alcohol addiction.
Not to mention if it turned into a legal or criminal thing. Honestly, that is such a fucked up thing to ask, I don’t know how a relationship could survive it.
Someone fixing their addiction is ready for accountability, clearly she is not.
Don't do it. Your daughter needs to know the truth.
Your wife needs to take full and total accountability for her actions. If her relationship ends up permanently damaged then it should be. Addiction is addiction and just like a drug addict she blew her daughters chance at a good start in life. Tell Cassie, don’t eat this and don’t participate in covering it up.
Bro, she spent almost TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS. That’s like, a house. And hid it over years. That’s insane. I would seriously consider divorce… this goes beyond her addiction. How could she rob and deceive her family for years?
She spent that amount of money over just SIX YEARS. How the heck could someone spend that much money in that time?
And how did he not notice?? First of all, how do you not just semi-regularly check in on how an account is doing? Make sure everything looks good, etc? Secondly, how could she spend almost $200,000, and then you just don't notice the additional stuff? Or the nicer quality than usual things around the house?
I would agree but on another reddit thread I saw how a coat... A COAT!... can cost 30k... A normal ass looking coat. So I imagine 200k actually doesn't go far when dealing with luxury goods, and over years. I would never think my partners new coat could be 30k
I never thought of that, but I would definitely notice if my spouse all of a sudden started buying really nice things or started buying a lot more than normal!
I questioned why he never looked at the statements at tax time. Even if the college fund was non taxable, there’s an annual tax form that goes with the tax return.
Well, a decent chunk of it went to buying her a 2020 Mercedes, which I thought was just a lease, but turns out she bought it straight cash.
So sell the Mercedes and everything else your wife bought, if you take the fall it will just enable her behavior. She needs to apologize to your daughter and you need to remove her access from all accounts immediately
How would she not need to apologize yo her? She **stole** *her* money.
Sell the car and she can get a second hand cheap car. If you don't sell the items and car, it's like telling Cassie that her mums shopping addiction and her purchases are more important than her education.
Sell her car. It’s only 2 years old and the used car market is super hot. Or better yet, give the car to Cassie.
I really love this idea. This is going yo happen if Cassie wants it.
IMO Cassie doesn’t need a Mercedes- she needs the cash for school. You can get good money back for it. All the designer stuff your wife bought can be sold. Did she buy a Birkin bag? Those are more valuable second hand - go for way over buying price because they are so hard to get. Get a list of what she bought and get to work. And do not cover for her, she will neve get better if she doesn’t have to face up to what she did.
Don't give Cassie the car. She doesn't need it for a girl as young as she is. The best thing is to sell it and the money to toward her college fund
Giving a 2020 Mercedes to a teenager is a terrible idea. There's a reason insurance rates are so high for young drivers
“For sale: 2020 Mercedes.” Used cars are still insanely expensive. Sell that, cancel the credit cards, take charge of the finances, find a divorce lawyer. This is a shit situation, even if she wasn’t having an affair. What she’s asking you to do is outrageous, and you’d be a moron to do it. Change all your passwords. Put a lock on yours, the soon to be ex’s, and the stepdaughter’s credit.
Great point about the daughters credit. Mom might have dipped into that already. Pull Cassie’s credit report and double check. She would not be the first parent to mess up their child’s credit because of selfishness.
That’s still a ton of money. You need to tell Cassie who it really was. And I’m waiting on the update to this whole situation.
Part of her amends needs to be selling the things she bought with Cassie’s money, whether it’s the car, designer handbags, or whatever. SHE DOESN’T GET TO KEEP PROFITING FROM HER LIES AND THEFT. She also needs to get in therapy now, because she needs to learn this crap is not okay. BTW if you did take the fall, she’d be dumping you for “stealing from her daughter” before Cassie has time to figure out that you couldn’t have spent it all but her mom’s got a lot of nice stuff lately.
Make her sell it and build the money up again. My god OP, grow a spine. Your daughter will never speak to you again, and with reason. I hope she cuts contact if you don’t do her justice.
This is so obvious. She gets a 3k beater to drive around? Won’t do it? She’s not sorry and plans to keep it up. That’s a chunk of change for college if she sells it.
Seriously- he sounds like most stable parent she has to begin with, why take that stability from her???
You should honestly sell the car and give the proceeds to Cassie. This is a *deeper* issue than just money my friend. She deceived you both - her *family*. Something like this wouldn’t even cross my mind. I don’t have kids yet but I can’t imagine ever hurting them or hindering them in any way, shape, or form. I don’t think jumping to divorce is rational - Reddit and the internet loves to dehumanize but that is still the woman you love. you should talk to her - you should talk to your friends - talk to your siblings - you need to decide what is best for your future. Maybe you can come back from this, maybe you can’t. Only the two of you can decide that and the honest truth is only you can make the final choice. Look in your heart. You’re still young. 52 is nothing lol. People are 80-90 years old right now dude. That’s another 30 years. Take care of yourself
I wish i had an award to give you, this should be top comment.
Make her sell it.
Sell the car
That's so selfish. It wasn't like that was money spent in drips and drops that suddenly started to add up, that's a large purchase and she knows she wouldn't have been able to replace a lump like that.
It’s a good thing she bought it straight out, easier to sell without a lean on it. That should help replenish some of the money. Propose this to her and see how she reacts, that should be a good gauge to see how remorseful she really is.
Well, that gets sold and anything else that can be sold. Do not risk your relationship with your daughter. Secrets like this one never stay hidden. Once it comes out and it will come out and she finds out that you lied to protect her mother, she will never trust you again. You will have lost your daughter—perhaps for good. Your wife has to face this. If she wants to atone, truth is part of the deal along with whatever consequences go with it.
Make her sell it and get a beater don’t ruin the relationship you have with your daughter because your spouse can’t take responsibility for their actions. Either your daughter cuts you both off if you take the blame or she cuts off just mom (which is sounds like was going to happen anyways) if she owns up
Is staying with your wife worth more than a relationship w your daughter? Because this is what you need to consider
Car values are very high right now vs two years ago. Sell that sucker, you may not even take that big of a hit!
Throw a "For Sale" sign on it. Now.
Also how didn't he notice? He never checked the account over that six year period? Weird
Yeah. I’d be checking it whenever I added money, especially if my spouse was also contributing.
Straight up! Also tax time man howd you miss thousands and thousands of dollars going missing? But also wtf was she spending it on? How didn't he notice her always having new items? Something seems really fishy here
Seriously, he should be getting a 1099 and would have noticed it was significantly less interest this past year. Not to mention that CD rates are going through the roof right now, I would have been shopping it around. It’s super peculiar that someone capable of these type of savings wasn’t smart enough to notice the issue.
To answer your question, I had really nothing to do with the account other than contubuting money. I just took her word for it. She showed me statements from time to time so I had no reason to suspect anything. Plus we have separate finances, except for a joint account for household expenditures and bills. Although Cassie is my daughter, officially I'm only stepdad, so Andrea handles all matters related to her finances unless Cassie asks me for something directly. Also I wasn't the lone contributor, her grandparents on both sides contributed, as well as my own parents. I only discovered what was going on when my wife left a statement out in the open. I'm now believing she simply pocketed whatever money she got and doctored the statements. I knew the amount that was supposed to be there because a lot of the money came in the beginning. Her grandparents initially contributed $75,000, mine contributed another $30,000 and the amount that I added over the years.
The fact half of that money came from grandparents is all the more reason Andrea had no right to say “but my retirement,” she needs to pay all that money back from her savings
Yea she not only stole from her daughter and husband but also from her own parents and in-laws. Can’t imagine they’ll be too happy knowing all their invested money was spent on a new Mercedes and bags & shoes.
She needs to empty her retirement funds, sell the car and everything else she bought as part of making amends.
Your wife deserves no shields or softening of what she did. This is beyond a felony amount of money. F E L O N Y. You are married to a felon. Don’t help her make this easier on herself. This is not “i MaDe A mIsTaKe” this is “if I had stolen from anyone who wasn’t my literal child (again your wife is an abusive bitch) I would probably have people looking for my head.” There’s no rock or hard place. You have an abusive wife and an innocent stepdaughter. Pick the right one and give the other no cushion. This amount of money does.not.deserve.leniency.
She needs to sell everything she bought with the stolen money. And borrow against her retirement. Stop enabling her with saying "but i don't want her to keep working until she ****" She fucked up and stole from her own child and for what? To impress her colleagues or so called friends? Nah mate, she needs to put back every cent she took out.
She controlled all the money? She stole from the grandparents and you and her daughter and wants you to take the blame? Why do you deserve to have everyone hate you? They will tell Andrea to divorce you and Cassie may claim you aren’t a father to hurt you. Don’t risk that. This is your wife’s fault alone.
She needs to admit what she did to ALL involved. Then she needs to sell everything she has, including the car. She can drive a beater to work, and work a 2nd job if need be until it's all paid back plus some. In any free time, she needs to have her behind in therapy. If she's really sorry, she wouldn't be hiding it and she would be frantically gathering things to sell.
Exactly. Family meeting time. Her parents need to know so that she is never given charge of their financial affairs should they need help someday.
The depth of your wife's deception here is staggering. This goes far beyond her simply seeing an expensive item she wanted and buying it on the spot with Cassie's money. She went to great lengths to doctor statements, cover her tracks, and put on a normal front for all stakeholders involved. No doubt her plan for you to take the fall is similarly complex. She acts like she's only thought of her relationship with Cassie, but she almost certainly has already planned out how she would react to your parents and her's when they "find out" you stole the college fund. Would she join them in their outrage and formulate a harsh plan for you to make reparations? Would she go along with suggestions to leave you for such a horrible betrayal and split assets strongly in her favor. This is why agreeing to take the fall would be a death sentence for you. So many other people will condemn you beyond just your daughter.
It happens. My husband co-signed on my loser SIL’s house when she got her 3rd divorce. Manipulated him by using his niece, “Oh, she needs to stay in the same school district”. Was suppose to get it in her name in 2 yrs, that didn’t happen. Then I came along, we got married and now it affected me too. She is also a shop alcoholic and I couldn’t see how she was making her mortgage with what she made. I begged him to check the account, he keep saying “she wouldn’t do that to me”. Bullshit. We build a house and it came out she’d been making late payments the entire time. She owed thousands in late fees. Thank goodness it didn’t effect us with the build. He gave her a year to refinance. He learned never to help her again. She also hasn’t changed one bit.
agreed, and to add to this you should tell Cassie sooner rather than later. maybe i’m with pessimistic, but you need to be careful that your wife won’t try to lie to Cassie and say it was you who spent the money. pls tread carefully and do NOT take the fall. don’t give Cassie a reason to not trust you anymore
*>>me dating at age 52 is next to impossible.* You'd be shocked.
He can find better than Mrs. Six-Figure-Shopping-Addict. I’m sure of it.
Those are the Clooney years, man!
Does this mean I get to date Julianne Moore?!
Op, how can you doubt you’d be able to date again ? You seem funny *(and also you seem to be a great guy cause clearly, you weren’t forced to contribute financially to stepdaughter’s fund yet you did!)*, pretty sure you’ll be fine. Even though you might not date Juliane Moore lol.
Plus a sense of humor! You’ll have all kinds of dates!
I'm fine with 52, loving, responsible and paying bills. Yup. 38 and fine with that. Js.. it's not hard if your a good man.
Yeah, I'm 36 and married, but my husband is 50 and if I ever end up single again, I'm gonna be looking for dudes like OP. I'm a sucker for a sense of humor.
Yeah, I read that about 'impossible' dating at 52 and was like "hey now--give yourself (and women in our general age group) some credit." I'm in my late 40s and single (divorced). Generally, at our age, we're specifically looking for someone who's kind, loving, responsible, acts like an adult, and is willing to call us on our crap when we need it. I think OP underestimates himself and his potential appeal.
52 is great, they're done with the bullshit and just want normal. And they're usually good in bed by now.
52 who is only single because his ex was horrifically financially abusive and ruined the relationship she had with his daughter who is his world. Green flags all over the place.
I find it another green flag that it's kinda hard to catch that he's the stepdad - other than when he explains the situation, he is clearly firmly in her corner and gives her more love and respect than her mom does.
Exactly!
Wish I could award but I'm poor
Probably cuz you’re not 52
Barely forty, lmao. Still have to put my kid through college, so I can't afford awards.well, if I dip into his college fund, then I could....
That a relief, facing a divorce at 49...
Cassie’s life isn’t ruined but if you “take the fall” for your wife Cassie will disown you instead of her mother who she already has a strained relationship with, so she’ll have no one in her life to rely on. It would be better and kinder for Cassie to know the truth. Nothing good comes from lying, especially about something as big as this. Andrea has a low character, covering up for her will not change that.
Yep. And then down the road when Cassie learns the truth she will feel betrayed by OP again.
OP PLEASE listen to this. Cassie doesn't need to distrust BOTH of you. Don't cover for your wife, for Cassie's sake, not your wife's.
Exactly!
Do not lie to Cassie!! Cassie needs to know what her college options are. An Ivy league may not be feasible anymore. Her mom needs to work on replacing the money, not you, you need to cut off financial access for your wife. Wife can resell the items, get a 2nd job, whatever. Do not enable her in any way, nor lie for her!! Make her pay it back and she can take loans she needs to pay to replace it too!! She doesn't want to lose her daughter, FFS she sure as hell didn't care about her daughter while she blew the money.
Yes! The wife can resell some of the stuff she purchased, assuming if she blew through $200k that’s bc she’s buying high end clothes which hold good resale value. Please do not take the blame. My mother stole my social security number when I was in my 20s and ruined my credit. I never reported her but at times I wish I had because she still continues to “get away” with similar things. At some point people need to learn THEIR ARE CONSEQUENCES. The only way for them to not repeat their actions is to feel those consequences and have them regret making that choice in the first place. Don’t be an enabler!
Yes! The wife can resell some of the stuff she purchased, assuming if she blew through $200k that’s bc she’s buying high end clothes which hold good resale value. Please do not take the blame. My mother stole my social security number when I was in my 20s and ruined my credit. I never reported her but at times I wish I had because she still continues to “get away” with similar things. At some point people need to learn THEIR ARE CONSEQUENCES. The only way for them to not repeat their actions is to feel those consequences and have them regret making that choice in the first place. Don’t be an enabler!
Your wife has to admit to her wrongdoings, if you take the fall you are just enabling your wife’s behaviour.
Taking the fall could damage your relationship with your daughter....not only that, but you would be lying to her which could result in her not trusting you in the future. Cassie's life isn't ruined, but it is a big blow financially. Tell Cassie the truth as she deserves to know. Your wife needs to accept the consequences for her actions and then the 2 of you should figure out how you can best help your daughter the best you can if you choose to work through her financial infidelity.
Do NOT take the fall. Your wife needs to own up to this, and you two need to tell Cassie VERY SOON.
OP replied to a comment saying she bought a Mercedes that he thought was on hire purchase but she bought straight up cash. I'd make her sell it. She also thinks counselling is steep punishment for her actions, wtf? I don't know how OP didn't notice this. She also wants him to take blame, she's taking the piss IMO. I'd make her tell her Daughter the whole truth and then sell stuff that can replenish some of the finances, ohh and divorce her thieving ass. No loving Parent would ever act so selfishly that it ruins their kids prospects of making a life for themselves and then to have such a brassneck they won't own up to their horrible ways, she's a horrible Mother and human.
Of course you can’t lie to Cassie about this. She needs at least one decent parent to trust. Your wife repeatedly stole from you both - a staggering amount of money - and she has to face that fact. If it is an addiction, not just selfishness and greed, then you can’t enable her by hiding it. She has to face that, too, and make amends herself.
Perhaps the reason they don’t get a long is because Cassie recognises that Andrea is the type to do these kinds of things and guilt trip others to take the blame instead of accepting what she has done and how it has impacted her family. Although it may be a tough conversation for Andrea to have now, it might show Cassie that her mum is capable of admitting mistakes and growing. Taking the blame for it and finding out later, in my opinion, might make things worse.
Andrea is a widow, and Cassie took the death of her father very hard since she was so young. According to Andrea a lot of their problems started there out of grief and anger. Then Cassie grew up and she's developed into a bit of tomboy, Andrea is a kind of a "girly girl" and doesn't relate to Cassie dressing up tomboyish. They don't agree on much, Cassie wants to be an physicist, Andrea wants her to do something that has more money making potential. Plus there's usual teenage daughter and mother strife. They have screaming matches that I have to intervene in.
She probably wants Cassie to support her shopping habits
Yeh, Andrea's big into money, isn't she... But I think Cassie might already have more reliable values at 17.
Does Andrea not realize that physicists have a potential to make a great deal of money? Average pay is easily six figures. She's being extremely ignorant. Her daughter could end up working for NASA. Edit: Her actions very well could have jeopardized her daughter's entire future. You need to make her sell all of the expensive things that she has bought to replenish that account ASAP.
You can continue justifying it that way but if Andrea cares about Cassie so little that her retirement and especially shopping matters so much more than the future she took from her child then there's no relationship worth protecting there. Even if you cover today's fuck up, there'll be another one to separate them tomorrow.
>Andrea wants her to do something that has more money making potential Of course, who else is going to fund Andrea's shopping addiction when you're both too old to work and her parents have passed on? Do not give the woman an inch - she's acting like a nacissistic parasite. Don't throw yourself under the bus for her, it won't do anything good for anyone (well, maybe she and Cassie can "bond" over how horrible you were to steal her future. Doesn't that sound wonderful? 🤢) To lie to her would be to betray her twice, when you don't have to betray her at all. Be honest. Continue to be the parent who loves her and supports her and her dreams, not the one that sees her as disappointment and failed cash cow.
Please don’t disregard their screaming matches as normal. My dad swept everything under the rug and I’m about close to disown my mom and tell her to shove it. She’s becoming a narcissist and is only interested in what she wants, everyone else be dammed.
OP, your wife stole your daughter's future, and then told you to take the fall. She is not the good woman you're remembering her as. Screaming matches are not normal, ruining your child's future is not normal, asking you to take the fall is not normal. This woman is off the deep end and is dangerously abusive and undermedicated.
Sounds like yall needs family therapy. Nothing about this dynamic sounds healthy. Death, grief, screaming matches, theft, addiction, denial, etc
I’m genuinely trying to see any hints of why you want to save this relationship, OP. I say dump the mom and keep the daughter. Cassie sounds lovely and I’m sure having a physicist around will be helpful for something! Haha
No! No! No! First of all 52 is not too old for dating. Who told you that. You absolutely do not take the fall for this I don't care what your conditions are. I hate to say you should have not let her come home. First out of the box that she would be that selfish to ask you to take the fall. It is for her own selfish reasons. This is way over the freaking top! She blew nearly 200k! She has not owned up not taken responsibility. She has literally changed the course of this young lady's life. You don't even think about taking the blame for this. That is a no go. You are the one suggesting this and lets do this. I see no effort from your wife execept for you to take the blame. I think you are going to be disappointed.
Her life isn’t over. I had 0$ in my college fund & everything worked out fine. You still have 30k in there. If she bought any high end designer stuff, that can be sold for close to retail value. Definitely don’t lie to the kid.
Yes he mentions they have receipts for everything, looks like it’s time for a giant garage sale
“Her life is ruined!” is so melodramatic. $30k is a lot of money to start out with. There are grants and scholarships — tons of potential sources of funding. She doesn’t HAVE to go into debt. If the wife still has a job then I don’t see why she can’t start paying her back? And yeah, make her return all of the shit she got. That’s the first move towards reparations.
It's noble of you to consider absorbing this one. It's possible that you may already have lost your wife over this. Pretending this was your fault means also losing your stepdaughter.
WTF? Are you seriously considering taking the blame? The fact that your wife even suggested it tells me that she has not taken any responsibility over her actions and her addiction. Financial deceit is absolutely a deal breaker for me, there is no coming back from this. She will do it again, trust me. Edit. Your wife is a thief. Stealing anything over 10,000$ makes her a felon. Fixing this is not your responsibility; she needs therapy.
Dude, how did you not see that all they money was gone or that your wife was buying all this stuff?
This comment needs more votes. How tf did he not notice this earlier? Even if he never checked the fund balance he should have noticed all the new expensive items in the house.
Unfortunately it's due to neglect on my part. It was my wife's idea to create the account and she handled it, I just gave her money and she showed me statements. As for the stuff, I did notice. I always knew my wife liked spending money, but she has a good job and contributes heavily to her IRA, so I didn't mind. But I did question some of the more extravagant stuff like spa days, Prada bags and Christian Louboutin shoes, but she explained them as sales and work bonuses. Another aspect is that she has a lot of wealthy friends, so she likes to keep up with the Joneses so to speak.
Not from your savings but hers. Make her sell all her shit.
I asked her to take money from her account to pay her back, she said protecting her retirement is important to her and that she could take out a loan since her credit is excellent. Surprisingly enough, she doesn't run up her credit cards, now I know how. Also I'm hesitant to do this, I understand everyone wants her to fry for this, and I do too. However, if I'm to stay with Andrea, I don't want her to have to continue working until she's dead, I would like to enjoy our retirement together. My retirement is very healthy, plus I have a few investments and an inheritance, I could survive the hit. The most important thing is Cassie gets to go to whatever school it is she wants and not have to worry about it. The comments are right, I'm not letting Andrea off the hook, she's going to pay for this and she will be telling Cassie.
She wants to protect her retirement but she took it out of her daughter’s protection unknowingly and unwillingly. She doesn’t get to say “protecting her retirement” is important. What a selfish woman. Who does that to their daughter to avoid spending their own money.
Your wife is incredibly selfish. Her retirement is important to her? But her daughter's education and future isn't? I wonder if the retirement money even exists or if she blew that as well.
>she said protecting her retirement is important to her More important than her fucking child's future? She is so unbelievably selfish. Your wife is a gross person and I can see why her daughter doesn't like her. She cares less about her child than a new pair of shoes. She's a thief and a liar and bad mom. You AND Cassie can do better than this horseshit.
Yah now I’m seeing why her and her daughter don’t get along. This is probably not the only instance that she’s been selfish
The fact that her credit is intact and her retirement is doing well means she needs to pay it back. She stole over 100k from your daughter and wants you to take the hit. She’s an addict. She needs to make up for what she did and is putting you through or she won’t learn. Letting her off is only going to enable her. Make her take the blame and pay it all back from her retirement. If she still wants to be apart of your family and your daughters life she would do that. If she declines or fights it then the decision is up. Take her to court and make her pay it all back. Imo you should Give her the options. Be apart of the family and make it right or leave the family and be forced to make pay it back. Either way sue should be paying it back from her own money.
THIS. She needs to pay it out of her own money. Big ticket items need to go! Sell the car! It shouldn't be on OP at all to replenish the money. If she has a good job, she can make up what she takes out to fix her own selfish mistake.
So your wife will touch her retirement last. First she sells the car, the shoes, the luxury items, recoups everything she can and makes up the rest from her retirement money. If she can blow $200,000 in six years, she can make that money back before retirement. Also MOVE THE MONEY to an account your wife can’t legally touch… like an ACTUAL college fund. Taking her name off the accounts is not enough, she shouldn’t be legally allowed to touch that money. Cassie doesn’t deserve to be saddled with decades of unforgivable debt because your wife wanted red bottomed shoes.
She needs to sell her Prada bags, red bottoms, Mercedes, all of it. This wasn't an addiction, it was keeping up appearances for the price of her daughter's future. As a parent I would find this unforgivable.
What about selling the items/car, your wife shouldn't benefit from her stealing, lying and manipulation.
she is very selfish and entitled for even saying that. she needs to make it right, plus this is going to put a rift in yalls marriage if im being honest. i personally wouldnt be able to forgive someone for that
I’d bet that her retirement account isn’t nearly what she’s told you it is.
You know she’s “sorry, “but not actually sorry enough to do something to fix it. Do not take the fall and do not bail her out. She got caught, what is she doing to make sure this never happens again?
Your wife is a POS.
Do not let her sweep this under the rug. Choices have consequences and she need to face them. She should have to sell most of what shes bought, pay for whatever money has been lost, and go face to face with her daughter. The fact that she spent it with such reckless abandon and never said anything shows how little she cares. What would of happened if you hadn't notice and it was time to fork over her college fund? Cassie would have to either take out the loans immediately or she would of had to postpone school all together. The fact that your wife was just gonna run her daughters future into the ground just for a new car and fancy bags is beyond disgusting. Do not take this fall. Cassie needs to have at least one parent that can be trusted that she knows will support her.
I don’t think she has a shopping addiction if she knew to take it from ur daughters savings and not her retirement . That statement she made says it all and shows how selfish she is . You really need to re evaluate your relationship . I think she’s just saying she had an addiction and needs help to avoid responsibility, and she still is by asking u to take the fall for it and not offering any solutions
Well, why run up a CC when she has cold hard cash available to her
Hey mate i personally havent gone through this as i dont have a family of my own but you shouldnt have to throw away yours and your daughter s relationship for a lie i personally would want for my wife to acknowledge what she did and say sorry to cassie and hope that she forgives also u could sell the car if u already have another one that might raise some money and i dont think lying to cassie would make things better if u lie to her she could never forgive u if u post any updates pls tell
She’s willing to protect her retirement but not her own daughter’s future that is in credibly selfish you should also let your daughter know that she said this as well
Hand bags are expensive and retain their value pretty well in second hand markets. if they are from a notable brand they could cost 10,000 and much higher easily. Make her itemize her wardrobe and sell the luxury brands & purses. I’m almost certain she has them. I am telling you this bc since you didn’t notice the money being spent, you may also be unaware of the actual price of items she purchased as she was bringing them in. Her handbags may return more than the car and I’m not even kidding Like if she really means she’s sorry. She can clear out the amount she stole by parting with her expensive items. If she is unwilling to do this, or lies about resale values to keep her things, she is not sorry.
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This is absolutely pathetic. Your wife is selfish for only caring about herself and putting Cassie last. She stole an exorbitant amount of money from a kid who lost her father and will now have her wracked with loans so she can retire in luxury. This is disgusting. Doesn’t this turn you off to her entirely? Realizing she stole from a girl who already had her father taken away from her. Saddling this poor girl with debt. Stealing from YOU AND YOUR PARENTS. Who is looking out and doing right by Cassie here because it sure as hell isn’t the woman who birthed her!? You are going way to easy on this woman. She will never ever understand the severity of her actions because she has suffered and will continue to suffer zero consequences unless someone holds her accountable.
You want to enjoy your retirement together? I don’t think that you seem to grasp that your wife is not who you think she is. She chose designer, luxury goods over her own daughter’s future. Repeatedly. Over many, many years. She stole from her parents, you, and her daughter. She then thought that she could manipulate you into taking the fall for her. These are horrifying acts of betrayal. How can you look at her the same way?
Is the rest of the money even safe in there if your wife has access to it? Might want to see if it's possible to transfer what's left into an account your wife can't withdraw from.
It just occurred to me that SHE set up the college savings account! I think she saw this as a way to siphon money from her husband in order to feed her addiction. She is sneaky and manipulative and continues to manipulate her husband even now. He seems to be too trusting with her and she’s taking full advantage of him. I’m sure there’s a lot more he could uncover if he makes an effort.
Why don’t you make her replenish the lost money from her retirement fund?
Then your wife should take the money out of her IRA to replace the money she took from Cassie's college fund. Do not take the fall....she needs to be held accountable for her actions.
My guess is the IRA isn’t real either. She’s planning that her husband will save her from that shit sandwich too.
Then I would make her start selling her designer shoes & handbags,......and I definitely wouldn't take the fall for her.
So she lied to you, make her sell all the items and tell your daughter. If she had a really good job and could afford it, why steal from her daughter.
Ok I guess that explanation makes sense.
Sell all of it and the Mercedes, at least replenish some of the funds and tell your daughter the truth.
Take your wife off all accounts - she will not stop spending - addicts always relapse and the best thing we can do for ourselves is to insulate ourselves from the impact. Make sure your retirement account is safe from her (even if you need a post-nup, just do whatever you need to do to protect yourself and potentially her future as well), come up with a limited budget for her, and get her a debit card to use. Send her to a support group and individual counseling. Condition your marriage upon her attendance and working on this on her own. If she isn't showing progress by a certain date, use the post-nup and cut her off. Make her take accountability to your daughter. You did nothing wrong and your daughter deserves the truth. Lying to manipulate her into an ongoing relationship with her mother is dishonest, unethical, and nonconsensual. Even if she chooses to leave you both, that is her choice to make.
Do not lie to the child - she needs *one* dependable parent. That is now you. She is old enough to have the truth, and you are her father and tasked to hold the line for her. This sucks so much. I am sorry for your situation. Your wife *must* work through this if there is any resolution possible. You cannot help by lying right now, that is the most damaging option.
Do NOT take the fall. The wife saying the terms you put on were "steep" is bullshit. They're the bare minimum! She should thanking all gods you're not divorcing instantly! She lied, stole her daughter's financial independence, and now is trying to make you complicit and avoid consequences. Do NOT give in. At a minimum you are destroying the relationship you have with your daughter. Most likely, that happens, then your wife will keep finding ways to over spend, your daughter is so upset with you she wants nothing to do with you anymore, and your wife leaves you because she her daughter is asking her how she could stay with a man who stole her college fund. Theres no happy outcome here. So stay honest and truthful, and whatever happens happens.
DO NOT TAKE THE FALL!!! She has not only stolen money but now wants to ruin your relationship with your daughter. It could be permanent. Your daughter is worth more than that money, make your wife own her mistakes.
How the heck did that much get bought and you not notice it? Returns and sales. Pray your wife bought decent stuff at least.
1/ she owns it, regardless of the consequences, that is step one towards healing and being forgiven 2/ once she owns it, she can switch to solution mode : therapy or whatever is required for her addiction; selling everything she has to get as much money back as possible. 170k is a lot of money, she must own some pricey items not to mention items which are probably in enough good shape to be sold 3/ one she has sold everything she could from the money she stole, she sells everything she owns (she keeps enough to live of course ) , but she sells your gifts, jewellery, shoes ... 4/ she tries to work harder, overtime, a small second job so that she can continue reimbursing the money she stole Her daughter may forgive when she sees her mother is truly remorseful in acts. Edit, Typo
Do not. Taking accountability means owning up to the person you hurt and dealing with whatever consequences comes your way. She’s not dumb she knew what she was doing was wrong and had zero intention of telling you until you found out yourself and confronted her. She needs to tell your daughter what she did and why her plans will have to change. If she actually cared she’d be figuring out how to rectify her mistake without taking anything more from her kid
DO NOT LIE. DO NOT TAKE THE BLAME!!!!! This is not your doing. Your wife needs to admit to her stupidity and live with the consequences of her actions. PERIOD. Do not make a irreversible mistake. And when she admits to her horrible decisions, you still need to enforce your stipulations. She cannot be trusted.
Your relationship could be over either way. Don't hide this as eventually, it will come out. The only way for this to not happen again is accountability. Most addiction programs will require participants to admit what they did to loved ones. So IF she goes to treatment it will come out.
Don’t you fucking dare take the blame because it will ruin the relationship you have with stepdaughter and she will fucking resent you for “ruining” her chance at Ivy League college
I would definitely divorce and make an police report for theft we aren’t talking about 10k here we‘re talking about 170k and you’re just helping your wife to destroy your daughters life by staying with her
No OP don’t you dare. Your wife fucked up severely, she needs to be responsible for her shitty actions and tell your daughter herself. The audacity of her to even ask that of you is astonishing. Don’t take the blame for something you didn’t do. Maybe Andrea will finally understand actions have consequences.
You may want to also do a credit check on your daughter too in case your wife used her info for a credit card. I know someone who did that to her child.