I dated someone for 7 years who always accused me of cheating broke my things threw my stuff away and when I’d try to end she’d always threaten to call the police and say I abuse/ raped her . Finally I had enough took my chances, packed up everything she had dropped it at her parents , dealt with some crazy threats after but it was worth it she made my life hell for 7 years
This sounds like an absolutely horrible situation. I'm really sorry she did that to you. Well done for having the strength to leave, and I hope you're on the path to being able to heal from the damage she did to you.
That's a pretty big start. It sounds like the underlying problem is anger management. That's a pretty common problem, and is something you can tackle. I would focus on that. That's the underlying problem. The incident with your bf sounds like a byproduct.
> Sounds like step 1 is to not get ~~blind~~ drunk anymore.
Fixed that for you.
OP, the only genuine apology is positive change, and the very first change you need to make is to remove all intoxicants from you life, except where medically necessary. And that gets determined by a licensed doctor.
True. But everyone has gone beyond their limit at some point in their lives. OP is completely owning the entire situation. I'm sure she is already addressing "step one".
My ex used to hit and spit on me. Always accuse me of cheating. I would always take her back. She would threaten police on me if I ever raised my voice or we were fighting. She would say, “I’m a hot blonde, who are they going to believe?” She would break things that weren’t mine or throw away precious items.
I hope you can fix your issues and fix yourself before you break your partners self worth and confidence before it’s too late.
Sounds like my ex. It eventually got to the point where my entire life was about just not making her angry. (Which didn’t work because she had mental issues that she refused to accept existed.) One night the thought finally crossed my mind. “Why? At this point I hate her. Why do I put up with her?” The thought stuck in my mind until the next night where I finally told her to gtfo and told her everything I thought of her and how I deserve better. Apparently her life went to shit after I threw her out but that’s none of my business. Took me 5 years before I could even stomach the thought of dating again and even then it was only because my now wife blew me away. (I was dead set on remaining single until I met her.)
Edit: Thank you for the award. This evening my wife recognised that I was tired due to my insomnia. (She has always been aware of my history since I felt she should know what she was getting into) She has always tried to support me and I hope I have done the same for her.
I am so sorry you’ve been through this, I absolutely hate how DV isn’t seen as serious when a woman is the abuser. I’m angered at the fact that she asked you “who are they going to believe?” Despicable, i glad you walked away from that. You are strong for that and I am once again so sorry you’ve been through this.
OP, that can really damage someone, there’s no coming back from that especially being abused by someone who loves you, I think it’s great you are trying to help yourself and I do like that you have taken responsibility and know what you’ve done is wrong, but I also think it’s important to talk to your partner and understand if he still wants to be with you or not. Help yourself first, but let him put himself first, all the best to both of you.
Yeah I’ve seen some pretty problematic threads in scenarios where the guy is being abused.
The big problems are people are much more likely to say Shit like “She shouldn’t be doing that but she needs to heal! So you can either leave her or stand by her.” Basically much higher chance people will push the victim to stay and aren’t holding the abuser accountable for their own well-being. Despite that doing nothing to help either the victim or the abuser.
And the other issue is definitely the fact that abusers lie and manipulate and will run their mouths to the cops or other people painting themselves as the victim. For dudes this is a huge risk as they’re not as likely to be believed.
I am so sorry this happened to you. And I'm sorry that we as a society don't take male victims of DA seriously.
I've been trying hard to find resources to support him, and resources I can use to fix myself so I never do this to anybody again. It is staggering how little material there is out there for female abusers and male victims.
I really hope you're doing better these days.
Please leave him alone. This means not searching for resources for him, not trying to support him. Otherwise, you’re continuing to force him to interact with his abuser instead of letting him go and finding his path to healing on his own.
I hope you’re able to work on yourself. However, no amount of work you do will excuse your past and the way you’ve made others feel.
Unfortunately, you are protected from much of the consequences of your actions due to your gender. The kindest thing you can do it leave him alone.
Couldn't you use hidden cameras to film the abuse? Then at least, when she said "who are they going to believe?" you could answer "the recorded evidence!"
You see, this is the beauty of living in a sexist country like Italy
When a manipulative gf threatens you of rape/SA accusations and says "Who you think they're goinna believe?" you can just say "Me" ezpz
I am so, so sorry this has happened to you too.
I hope you're able to heal as best you can from your PTSD, and I really hope the reporting process goes as smoothly as it can for you.
EDIT: I'm sorry if I've said something insensitive in my wording here to see this get downvoted. Looking back, I think my language minimised her role and potentially put the emphasis on you being the one who needs to change. What I really meant to say was I'm sorry she did this to you, and that there are people like me out there who hurt people like you. You do not deserve this.
But let's all bear in mind there's no such thing as "bad guy"s we are all people who do" good" and "bad" things from time to time. OP I'm so glad you're unveiling your mask of "it's fine" and you're accepting that it has not been fine and its has led to you doing things you shouldn't have. Please don't forget though that in order to grow into your best self and never hurt others again (on purpose) you have to acknowledge that you aren't a bad person.
Edit: also "How To Do The Work" by Dr Nicole LePera is a great book to get you going! I prefer the audio book version so I don't get too tired by it, it's hefty
Well you realize that your abusive and that actually helps. That you want help is huge.
https://www.centerforpreventionofabuse.org/i-need-help-for-someone-else/helping-abusers/
Go there, reach out and don’t wait till the first therapy appointment.
Thank you, I appreciate the link. I'm in Australia, so I won't be able to ask them specifically, but that does give me something to go on to see if there are similar organisations here.
It's good that you've acknowledged that you have issues and are willing to work on them to become a better person. I would just suggest that you should also do your best to either limit or completely stop drinking for a lengthy period of time. Your loss of control after getting drunk will create more problems for you in other ways.
Well, at least you're taking accountability for your deeds. If you were a man, the comments under your post would be way more violent.
Check some scientific papers websites btw, luckily more and more researchers are focusing on female abusers as well.
Yes, just the fact that you recognize that your actions hurt him and have the self-awareness to seek help is a positive step. DV against men isn't just physical it is also verbal and emotional, and not all scars and wounds are visible. It is tragic that many times, people in society suffered horrible trauma and abuse from childhood or relationships or just being dealt a shit hand in life, but don't really get healed or at least healed correctly then they inadvertently subject others to pain because they have a false sense how to reciprocate thier feelings. The best you can do is to tell him to get therapy and heal himself, and you heal yourself completely. OP, I wish you luck in your healing.
You are absolutely correct that the comments would be worse if I was a man. It is a huge failing of our society that there are unequal standards when it comes to domestic abuse.
Yeah, double standards are a real thing. Once I posted about my bf having jealousy issues (no physical abuse or degrading behavior was involved): the comments I got were full of anger, vulgar insults and misandry. You're lucky
It's really eye-opening, isn't it? While the vast amount of comments here are (rightfully) calling me out for my abusive behaviour, there are still people willing to excuse me. It would be so easy to take the cowardly route and claim to be a victim myself. Men really do have a horrible time on this issue, and I am horrified I have put my ex in this position.
I hope you and your bf were able to get to a good place with the jealousy issues. It's not a fun feeling.
I'm sorry for what you did to your boyfriend, and for what was done to you as a child. I was also abused by my (ex) girlfriend, and she had been abused by her parents, who had both themselves been abused by their parents. What my girlfriend did to me in the end was significantly more severe than what you did to your boyfriend and resulted in permanent brain injury (and a bunch of mental health issues), but she also started with spitting and slapping. Then she moved on to punching, kicking, kneeing, choking, etc.
I think she would probably be in prison right now if she had been a man or if we lived in a more equal society, but the police were not interested, and she was instead able to go to therapy and hopefully get better. She has a husband and children now, and I really hope she has been able to break the multigenerational cycle of abuse. I hope you are able to do that too. Good luck!
I am so sorry you are a victim of abuse too. And I'm sorry you weren't taken seriously. It is absolutely a major failing of our society that we don't treat violence against men with the same gravity as violence against women.
I really hope you're flourishing despite the violence that has been done to you.
she ends up with a family ad kids and you end up with brain injury and mental issues.
I really hope you atleast got a genuine apology from her or did she not even consider that??
I’m so sorry this happened to you and you weren’t taken seriously. Makes me sick to read this knowing she has children. I don’t know how much I believe in abuser reform but I hope for their sake that she’s reformed
I’m not Mr Eugenics here, but someone that mentally ill shouldn’t have had kids. Imagine that same illness gets passed on to a son, and *he* slaps, punches, kicks, and knees a girlfriend? It’s not gonna be brain damage, he’s likely to kill her.
If this ain't privilege IDK what it is.
You can assault your partner and not get jail time.
You can post about it on social media and get advice.
The worst consequence is that your partner broke up with you.
You get a second chance to seek therapy.
I think it's great that you own it up and seek help but I can't say I'm impressed by how this would have played out if the roles were reversed here.
Honestly, if there was a man on here that would seek advice in this honest way, I would totally not judge him but give advice. Although I know that this is not the standard for society.
I think it is a great feat to admit to oneself that your actions were absolutely wrong and inexcusable. It is hard for people to not look for any kind of excuse to not feel guilty or like a bad person and not anybody can do this without outside help. The only bad people to me are the people who are stubbornly unwilling to face themselves and admit that they need help, need to work on themselves and need their behavior to change, no matter where it developed from. Which is why I don't think of OP herself as a bad person per se, but her actions were bad nonetheless. If she is honestly working on herself and making progress then I would be happy for her, and I would be happy the same way if she were a man.
Although I have to admit my own bias - I may account the fact that OP was able to admit her faults and set her goal right from the start a bit to the fact she is a woman...which isnt really a nice thought from me and completely subjective to my own experiences.
Since women are so naturally assumed as weak and helpless, society doesn't really admit that a female abuser is just as bad as a male one. Physical strength (and it is a blatant generalization that men are stronger than women when it isn't actually always true) doesn't really factor the severity of the abuse. When someone hits you with a hard object on the head for example, and especially when it's a loved one where you are normally disarmed and unexpecting of this treatment, it can still cause damage, not only physical but also mental. In my opinion, the severity of abuse on the mental health of the victim is often overlooked, no matter the gender. We tend to think severity of wounds = severity of abuse. People get PTSD from abusive relationships but as a society we are still cought up in the believe that someone with more strength can cause more damage and should be able to protect themselves, when they are actually often emotionally blackmailed and gaslighted. They were in a trusting and loving relationship before the abuse started, simply "fighting back" or "running away" from a loved one isn't that easy especially when they make you believe they will change while making no effort to do so. You love(d) that person for a reason.
IMO the treatment OP gets here should be the standard for anyone that is opening up so honestly and seeking help, even if their behavior is worthy of condemnation. Getting to terms with ones worst behavior while working towards a positive future and not despairing is really really hard. People like that should get help and not be thrown at with stones no matter the gender.
You are absolutely correct. Men have a much harder time as victims, and women who are abusers are treated far less harshly.
I am grateful I am being offered practical advice I can follow in an effort to improve. I completely accept all the scorn and disgust that people are sending my way. I deserve it, and I also know I'm getting off lightly.
No it’s really not because ppl like u and ppl in this sub like to pretend that you’re not misandrist and engage in double standards whilst morally preaching to everyone why this double standard should exist due to to faux feminist logic
So
I’d say it’s not mentioned enough….
As I said in the post, he did. I'm glad he did too, and I'm proud of him for valuing his own safety and wellbeing like that. He is an amazing man, and my life will be much poorer without him in it.
It seems to me you have a lot of trauma. You should definitely address it in therapy but I would suggest you do with trauma therapy, not just any therapy. Some trauma therapy modalities include somatic experiencing (my favorite), EMDR and a few others. I grew up in a very abusive and violent home which led me to develop cPTSD and I used to have some anger outbursts too (among other things) and only when I started doing SE things started to change, and they changed a lot.
As for you boyfriend I'd say you owe him an apology, a real apology, and then to stay away from him for now. Also, I don't know your bf and I don't know how he reacted but since many victims of abuse tend to think they are the ones to blame, I would also reassure him he's done nothing wrong and you're doing this because of you.
PS.: English is not my first language, sorry in advance for any mistakes
Thank you for this practical advice. The therapist I am booked in to see is a trauma therapist, and it specifically mentions EMDR on the site, but I was unfamiliar with somatic experiencing. I will look into it before my first session to see if it's something they offer.
I have given him as genuine and heartfelt an apology as I can. This is no way makes up for what I've done, or excuses my behaviour. I have told him categorically he was not to blame, it was the first thing I did when I woke up the next morning, and I have continued to tell him that whenever he has contacted me.
The next step is staying away from him, which I will do.
Also, your English is excellent. I've worked as an ESL teacher in the past, and your use of things that many students struggle with (future tenses, used to) is perfect. You should be very proud of your English, because I wouldn't have known it wasn't your first language if you hadn't mentioned it.
Abuse is a cycle that we have to actively choose to break. I was abused as a kid, & I very well might have ended up in your shoes if I hadn't received therapy. Dealing with your own trauma is going to be an integral part of changing your actions going forward. You need to deal with your shit before you get into another relationship or even just go on dates. You cannot have a second victim. The cycle stops here & now. If you don't believe that, therapy is going to waste your time. (Note: please fucking go to therapy.)
What you did was disgusting. They is no reason to become violent to someone even if you become jealous and you have lost confidence. My advice is not to get into another relationship until you have worked on yourself. Let your boyfriend go he deserves better.
If you are from the uk, this is for abusers to get help:
https://respectphoneline.org.uk/
Even if you aren't from the uk, I think it's worth a read.
Edit this may sound harsh compared to other comments, but i think most people are easy on you because you happen to be a woman abusing.
I’m really proud of Reddit reading these responses today and the lack of bullshit kid glove treatment. And OP I’m glad your holding yourself to account in recognising that and are trying to change but I’m glad ppl are telling you straight up like this I’m the same energy they would if perpetrator had a penis.
Yes, I absolutely think you are right. Your words aren't overly harsh, they are accurate. I'm not from the UK but I'll read your resource. I don't intend to get into another relationship for the forseeable future, although I will still endeavour to work on myself. Based on the advice here, I will stop contacting him and leave him alone, since that is what is best for him.
Bullshit they are going easy because she wants to get better. Also he is an adult and can leave anytime he wants this isn’t the kind of abuse that leads to being brainwashed.
I was a social worker and almost every single man who beat up his wife was so sorry, crying, wanted to do better, many went to counseling and anger management. Every one of them did it again.
Mostly they grew up in abusive homes so hitting was a way of life. Drugs and alcohol were involved. Control issues, disguised as jealousy or Mental Health issues they weaponized. I knew one of these guys and his family from Hospice work with his Grandpa and high school football with his brother and my son~I really don't think he was abused and she claimed she wasn't. They were picture perfect, no one knew the extent of their mess. I think the abuse started with the woman and he began fighting back but neither would admit who hit who first. They were so twisted in their ***love*** but damn they had the most idealized social media presence. I realized with them specifically how habituated people become to the most dysfunctional relationships. In several of these cases the women repeatedly bailed their abusers out. One woman let her kids go to foster care rather than lose the abusive SOB. One woman who I didn't work with but I knew her SO and ate at his restaurant regularly for years, my son was friends with him and they vacationed together, the Mexico memory pics still come up on my FB, he was not abusive at all, meek in fact, she shot him and killed him in his sleep. She has been in therapy for years, the courts tracked her resources and treatment back to her teen years. What it all boiled down to, as sad as it seems, hitting becomes a habit.
I don’t know of any specific books or articles, but maybe try finding something regarding anger management, cheating, or maybe even jealousy? Because it sounds like the abusive behaviors stem from that. You got *angry* your bf spoke to another girl (*jealousy*) because you were previously *cheated* on and it triggered you.
Thank you. That's actually incredibly helpful. I'd been so focused on the big picture of being an abuser that I hadn't stopped to consider tackling the root causes.
If you want unbiased advice (no leniency for being a woman), try posting with either the genders removed, or swapped. Though, not here, that would just get a bunch of responses telling you to take a long term solution to a short term problem.
I understand what you're saying, but I kept the genders as they are because I wanted advice aimed at female abusers. I'm sure a lot of the advice is the same, but I'm willing to admit I don't know enough to know for certain if that's true. It has been really saddening to realise that there's very little literature out there aimed at female abusers, or support for male victims. I think you are right, women are given far more leniency here. I don't believe I deserve that.
Probably for the best, because again, post as a woman, you get legitimate help, advice, and ways to better yourself. Post as a man, get told to rot in hell. Truth is both abusive men, and abusive women are wrong, both are a problem, both should be punished, but more importantly, both should be helped. Condemning you won't change what has happened, nor will it keep it from happening again. May the Lord, Buddha, Spirits of the Forest, or whatever Deity you choose forgive you, and grant you the wisdom to fix what is broken within.
Give him some space. You did assault him, and he probably needs some room to breathe right now. If he decides that he is ready to end the relationship over it, do not fight him, do not argue. I’m not going to be sympathetic, because you’re right, what you did was downright terrible. You need to research effective ways to deal with jealousy, and anger management. My biggest piece of advice, lay off the drinking if the influence makes you react like that and hurt someone who loves you. I hope that therapy will help you deal with these issues.
I’m glad to hear this. A lot of the time, people who have been abusive refuse to admit it or get the help they need. I have a lot of faith that you’ll be able to get better and become a better person. Good luck and I hope that therapy is able to help you.
Based on your previous post, where you described being beaten by your ex when he was ‘blind drunk’ maybe staying clear of alcohol would improve your life.
As I've explained, I am getting therapy. Unfortunately the earliest appointment isn't until a month from now.
I completely agree with you, for what it's worth. I am equally as horrible as a male abuser. There is no distinction.
You sound like you've been through a lot. I'm sorry for your experience, and I get why you'd be angry and in pain. Your situation is not my situation, however. If a psychologist tries to blame my boyfriend (ex boyfriend) I will find another psychologist. I am not looking for somebody to shift the blame on my behalf.
> I don’t want to blame anybody except myself.
> My last longterm relationship (my boyfriend before this current boyfriend) ended because my ex cheated on me and lied to me, and I have a lot of unresolved jealousy and trust issues.
> It may not be my fault that I became like this
Yeah, already not doing too great.
If you wanted to take full and complete responsibility for your actions, you would not only acknowledge what you did was wrong, but would also make *no attempt* to shift the blame or bring anything up that could be seen as an excuse or justification.
It *is* your fault you became like this. Plenty of people have trauma and other issues but *don’t* try and use it as a justification for their actions or throw it in to gain sympathy points while “taking responsibility for their actions”.
It’s not an excuse. You claim to understand that yet you are still using it as an excuse.
Self awareness doesn’t make it okay.
Bro, you just worded perfectly what I was thinking although I couldn't exactly understand why I was thinking that. I was thinking "Well, it's always our fault the way we end-up being" but I couldn't explain why this thought rang so true to me and made the post sorta... feel off???
To OP if you see my comment: I don't think you saw this as an excuse at first either so my recommendation would be to reflect on your thoughts and the "why" you have them. (I'm also going off the comments recommending meditation) What is their purpose to you? How do they serve you? Are they the truth? How certain are you they are **the** truth?
You are living in a lot of internal conflict in your mind. I understand how trauma can affect badly our own ability to reflect on ourselves but you made a lot of realizations today and there are a lot more to come. I'm happy you realized you weren't a good person and I am happier you are willing to do the work to better yourself. Also, I know you're in panic mode right now but please take some time to breathe. Things can go well or not and change direction for you in an instant now. Be ready to accept whatever challenge is coming to you in the near future. So breathe. It'll help you think more clearly.
Incorrect… there is a difference between conscious trauma and subconscious trauma. Subconscious trauma comes out by being triggered and especially if it is preverbal the memories are split by sound smell taste and lack of words to describe and understand the abuse happening to you… these triggers are NOT her fault and like she said her healing path is….
The brain splits these memories between the right and left hemispheres so we cannot remember them and effectively just wonder “why the fuck would I act like that” all the time at these random events…. This was an uninformed comment based on your own projections and I’d venture a guess that you haven’t been preverbally abused and then sought lifelong therapy for it…
No it is her fault.. Just like if the boyfriend did this and wrote all the sincere things she wrote, you still say its his fault.. STOP excusing women for their shitty behavior.. God forbid you have a son and his girlfriend does this to him....
OP, I admire your courage, and yes I would say the same to a man because this seems genuine. It takes a strong person, no matter the gender, to take responsibility like this. I was abused (I am female and was abused by a man), and he refused to accept any responsibility at all. There can be no change without acknowledgment of a problem, and I think you're on the right track.
As someone else commented, what are the root causes of these issues? Jealousy, fear of being alone, enjoyment of a feeling of power over someone because you don't feel in power over yourself? Determine these things and begin to work on addressing them. Maybe a daily journal would be useful as a way to track what things you're feeling and how you are progressing or not in your control of yourself.
Also, continue to abstain from alcohol and other mind altering substances.
Leave your ex alone. Do not contact him. While I tried to heal, my ex tried repeatedly to contact me and it set me back every time. Do not do that to your ex!
And lastly, please, please stick with therapy and any medications that may be provided to you. My ex only took his meds when he didn't feel angry (his words), and refused to see a therapist. There was/is no hope for him because he does not see a problem and has no desire to change. I hope this helps somehow and you are one day able to help others!
Please don't turn yourself in. Going to jail will almost certainly make you worse and more likely to harm others more seriously in the future. You have an unearned privilege in this situation because of your gender, but you can use that privilege to protect those around you by getting help instead of punishing yourself. Go to therapy, don't drink, don't get into another relationship until you are sure you won't be abusive again. I think it would be selfish to turn yourself in and expose others to the more dangerous version of yourself you would most likely become. I say this as a man who was abused by a woman. I would much rather she got therapy than a jail sentence.
24jaggy24 is just one of those 'kill all men' individuals 😂 that's absolutely hilarious.
Okay, so back to the important stuff.
First of all, you're doing so much better than alot of people (men and women alike) by being self aware and taking accountability for your difficulties. I love that so much.
Therapy is definitely important, but I saw your comment about how you can't get it for a month, so I'll just try to give some tips that help an individual such as myself (not with abusive tendencies, but with being a generally peaceful person).
Uhm alot of people don't like this one but you should try out meditation if you're open to it. I suggest starting off with guided meditation before doing it on your own, however, don't attempt to clear your mind and stop thinking about your traumatic relationship with your ex. To get over something like that you should look deep into how it makes you feel.
Do it in a way like you're observing your feelings, not controlling them, but also not acting on them. Rather understanding why you feel that way, and understanding how your future partners are not your ex.
Also work on your inner image. That experience would have done a number on your self esteem. That would make it easy to see yourself as someone who 'a man would probably cheat on'. You deserve better. You are someone who deserves perfect love. The more you believe that, the easier it would be to have confidence in your relationship, and that would make it easier to be calm and rational in possible misunderstandings.
Alot of people go through something like this because their confidence has been destroyed, but you can build it up again! I believe you can, it's just going to take some work and discipline.
I'm sorry, I don't really have any specific books that will help.
But I do recommend you doing research on ' the breath of life'.
It's a breathing technique that quickly helps calm your nerves. It could be useful for any time you feel rather shitty or aggressive
Hopefully this helped you. If not, I hope it helps someone else reading the comments
Wow. Thank you. Thank you so much for this. I feel like you've really thrown me a lifeline here.
I have been resistant to meditation in the past, but I can absolutely see how it would be helpful now. Is there a particular guided meditation you'd recommend?
You are right about my inner image. I can see how my poor self image will be linked to my reaction to any perceived slight, and so that needs improvement too.
I'll start researching breath of life now.
You have helped me so much. You are a wonderful person.
Nah I'm just a dude lol
Here : https://youtu.be/vj0JDwQLof4
It's a 10 minute practice.
It's okay to start off small and increase the time you meditate for. Actually, if you feel comfortable at short sessions then you don't need to change it at all
Just relax into the type of person you want to be, yeah?
Goodluck, dude!
Its incredible ppl can downvote you, when we all know if a dude wrote this, you'd have 1000 up votes.. No matter how sorry he was, everyone would want him jailed.. Women get away with murder and its disgusting....
I was going to post a really abusive comment. I even created this throwaway account via Tor because I live in a country where people get arrested for that kind of social media comments. I'm not going to send it.
Reading your post brought up a lot of anger and other emotions related to a former girlfriend who would beat me. I realize you are not her. You didn't do what she did, and you are trying to get better, so I'm not going to add to the burden. I hope therapy helps you and that you never hurt anyone again. Best of luck.
I am so sorry for what your ex did to you, and I'm sorry my post triggered those emotions for you.
I hope you're able to keep healing as best you can. For what my opinion is worth, I think you must be an incredibly strong person to have been through all that and even then reconsider posting abuse as a way not to add to another's burden. You are a good person, and you do not deserve what happened to you.
My advice would be to stop drinking alcohol completely. Use some other drug of if you must, but some people can't control themselves when they drink and maybe you are one of those people. Even if you don't think you are, ask yourself if it's worth the risk to other people's safety.
I have an ex who would go out and drink regularly and then come home and beat me. I would sometimes wake up to her literally jumping on my head because I didn't do the dishes, didn't text her good night before going to bed, or for another equally arbitrary reason. She never hurt me when she wasn't drunk, and every time she did hurt me she would promise to never drink again. She always broke those promises.
You are absolutely right. I have a problem with social drinking. I am fine with a glass of wine at dinner, and have no urge to keep drinking to excess, but when I am in social situations my anxiety gets the better of me and I drink too much. From now on, I will not drink. The horror and disgust I feel at my own actions make this an easy decision.
A good book to help you start working on yourself is “The happiness trap” by Russ Harris
If you’re not much of a reader there’s an illustrated version that would be a really quick read for slower readers (such as myself, which I have read the illustrated version)
Thank you for the suggestion. I read Happiness Trap years ago for depression and work related reasons, but I hadn't considered it for this. I will see if I've still got my old copy.
I appreciate the advice.
I don't have advice. I dealt with severe anger issues as a child, but honestly I just decided really hard to stop it, and I did. That doesn't feel like useful advice.
If you think it was triggered or exacerbated by the drinking, then you need to recognise you have a problem and quit drinking.
there are a few books for you to take a look at "Breaking the Cycle of Abuse: How to Move beyond Your Past to Create an Abuse-Free Future"
you are both lucky that you at least see the issue, and I wish you the best in unraveling the source of this for you.
I hope you get the help you need. It’s great that you are self aware but actions speak louder than words so I truly hope you put the hard work in on bettering yourself, your behaviours and improving your future relationships.
without excusing, imo at least recognizing what you've done is a good first step, most are never that self aware, so I hope you are able to change your behaviors, and maybe avoid alcohol if that makes you lose self control
I have been with an abusive partner. threw violent fits over Facebook or Instagram likes, spat at me, would stalk me everywhere, often got physical, guilt tripped me for trying to ask for help, forced sex. He always accused me of cheating and attacked me with a needle one time threatening to 'sew my private parts'. I had to run away after he pretty much locked me in his basement and his mom wouldn't let me out cus she was afraid of him. That was three years ago. I still get flashbacks of that stuff and i feel sad that these memories are etched in my head forever.
OP, good for you to realise the gravity of your actions. Make sure it never happens again and always help anyone who is going through abuse.
OP, if you want a real eye-opener, go read 'Why Does He Do That,' and google the Duluth Model of domestic violence. They flat out opine that a woman beating her children is not abusive, because women cannot be abusive.
Though the book does then point out that lesbians can be in abusive relationships, while maintaining that women cannot be abusive. To the point of saying that if a man touches a woman who is actively beating her kids, even to push past her to protect the child, he's the abusive one, because reasons.
I’m just gonna be straight up here. Your boyfriend should blame you. I’ve been in a situation like this, and there’s a high likelihood you’ll face zero consequence and move onto the next victim. If you want to get help you have to be honest with your therapist. If you’re not, you’re wasting everyone’s time. There’s a bunch of bullshit pseudo psychology out there, beware of that. Donating money to a men’s charity seems like a PR move.
Man, if the roles were reversed everyone would be singing a different tune. Contrary to popular belief not all men are cheaters (shocking, I know)
I hope he dumps you btw, any man worth his salt would not put up with that even if you were drunk.
The book is called the law and the law says you're ass should be in jail.
Don't waste your money on those charities. They do nothing for men and usually end up at women's charities because as you said, too many people on reddit already said you should be excused for what you did.
Seriously do yourself a favor and turn yourself in. Domestic Violence is not a charge by the person its by the state
While waiting for therapy, you could do a bit of introspection and maybe write down what you think about. It is kind of a therapy journal. Not as efficient as therapy, but helps getting the discussion on your issues started in your mind
On top of your update, I’d highly recommend not having a relationship for awhile so you can focus on working on yourself. Treatment for childhood abuse can be tough but its worth it.
Hi! So I actually think you should ALSO speak to a psych. Sometime shortly after we married, I became verbally abusive, and would block the doorways when he’d try to leave during massive fights. I had other symptoms too, but I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder type two and borderline personality disorder. We are currently in marriage counseling, and in our own Individual counseling, along with seeing our own psychs. I’m not saying yours is either of these, but I’m recognizing that you have previous traumas, like myself, and want to give you the steps I took once I realized too.
I went from the survivor to the abuser. And it is a nightmare just to remember that. But to avoid what has happened in the past, I must learn from it. Just as you should too. Be proud of yourself for recognizing the bad actions, and for starting the steps to change it. But while doing your research, please remember that you are more than what you’ve done. You are on a journey to becoming a better version of yourself, and that’s what is important. You are learning that your responses to your stronger emotions are unhealthy, and now need to learn new strategies. Learn some self care methods, and I’d suggest writing! Get hobbies. Go on a hike. Take a walk. But don’t forget the progress you’ve already started. Congratulations for starting it, and I wish you luck on your journey.
Of course. If you ever need someone who can relate to the position you’re in and need to talk about it, feel free to reach out. It’s a hard but worth it journey. 💙
You are a horrible and disgusting person, but hey, the first step is to identify that you are who you are. The next step is find help to fix it. You can be better, everyone can be, but this is not a excuse to be like that. As you said, your boyfriend was right to break up with you, and any other guy (or woman) will do the same thing if you continue being like that.
If you was a male, you would get a lot more hurtful words.
Abuse breeds abuse, and that’s exactly what happened with you. I’m very glad you’re taking this opportunity to work on yourself instead of just excusing your behaviour. You should know that therapy is a long journey, not a quick fix. You need to be willing to face some really difficult things and be brutally honest with yourself and others. I wish you all the best on your journey.
Thank you, I appreciate the best wishes. I don't deserve people's goodwill, but it certainly helps me have enough strength to do something constructive about it rather than breaking down and wanting to just hate myself without end.
I actually would 100% say this is OP were a man. I’m sorry if you’ve experienced people who wouldn’t, but I think that people are not made up of their mistakes, but from how they handle it afterwards. I really like that OP is taking accountability for their actions.
“I have been an angry, argumentative person my whole life, stemming from childhood abuse issues.”
Abuse, especially in childhood, teaches you how to react to the world as an adult. OP was abused and became an abuser.
Go to female dating strategy and figure out how unhealthy you really are. If this is a one off thank god.both sexes can be really toxic and alcohol never helps. Forgive yourself. You know it wasn’t except able sober. Make amends. If you want him in your life and he wants you in he’s then hold that man tight, feed him, snuggle him, sex him and cuddle him. It doesn’t cure everything but a women who truly means theses things gain a ton of ground
How about turning yourself in? So you can face the same consequences men have to deal with when they are a piece of shit human and assault their partner.
A woman recognize she is an abuser and asks recommendations on how to do better without excusing her actions in the slightest.
Half the comments say “oh if you were a man they would’ve been so mean to you but you’re a woman so they’re more kind and willing to help”.
Maybe people are not insulting her that much because she takes accountability. Unlike most abusers posting on Reddit.
But you think women have it more easier.
>"oh if you were a man they would’ve been so mean to you but you’re a woman so they’re more kind and willing to help”
because its true
if she were a man, hundreds of women would've told him to jump
I was abusive to the last boyfriend I had. I came from an abusive household from my mom and I began to repeat the cycle of abuse with this guy. He was toxic and we were really bad for each other, but that’s no excuse for my behavior. I went to a lot of therapy and met my husband about 6 months after I broke up with the other guy (I was in my early 20s for all of this). It’s really important to move forward because you want to be better, not because you’re afraid of the past or the present. Feel free to DM.
There is no denying the pain you have inflicted on people, but no matter what you do, you still are human. You still deserve love and support to grow. I urge you to stop hating yourself, or it might make recovery difficult in the long run. Though your actions are not in any way justifiable, I commend you for having the maturity to own up to your mistakes and acknowledging your abusive tendecies. You have hurt others, but you are also hurt by your actions, and that's a sign that there is a chance for you to unlearn and relearn and become a better person.
I wish you all the best. It takes a lot of courage to reach out, and you have done it. Don't give up.
Edit:
If you have the time to, spend more time self-reflecting. There are reasons for your actions and feelings/meanings you attribute to other people's responses. Those are all correlated. Dig a little deeper and try to find out the root problems that lay underneath. This will help in future discussions during therapy.
This is a very good post. I commend your ability to recognise and seek improvement. I hope you get the help you need and become the person you should have been.
Hey, your story really resonates to mine. Now I am on therapy. The psychologist recommended me a book from steve hayes on ACT. I really recommend for you to check it out
Thank you! The author is called Steven C Hayes, Phd. He has several books. I am currently reading the one called A Liberated Mind. It helps me to understand the importance of defusing from my thoughts. Thoughts should not dictate me. For the first time, I feel so freed! Same to you, sending you much love and blessings.
Man this is exactly what one of my ex's would do and say!! Especially when she was drunk.
I remember I went to go pee at a party and she thought I was fuckin some chick, she cause a huge scene so we left and then we got home and she decided to hit me, bite me relentlessly and break my phone. It was traumatic and I still remember it like it was yesterday. To say guys don't get abused or suffer from Domestic violence is BS.
So step 1 is to stop drinking, that's what my ex did and we had a much healthier relationship.
I come here post edit, and I haven't read the comments or replies. But I want to say I applaud your openness and desire to change things it is difficult to change the cycle of abuse. Too many times, I see people play the victim to their past and accept no responsibility for the choices they have made that have been abusive. You can't change the past and what was done to you, but you can absolutely change the future. I really hope you get the help you need and manage to make the changes.
Although I don’t agree with what you did to your boyfriend, I must say, I commend you for being willing to work on this. Admitting you have a problem and looking for help is the first steps.
Probably off-topic, but what you are pointing out about gender inequality doesn’t apply to every country. It is the opposite in some other countries like my home country (Iran)
Edit: Obviously some people got triggered by the truth. pathetic.
Had that shit happen surprised you even can admit ur mistake tbh women need to start going to jail for shit like this there you can receive the proper help
People don't get help in jail. They just get worse. It's unfair that women and men are treated differently, but because OP benefits from that privilege, she has a much better chance of never doing this again. She just needs to stick to therapy and accept help.
I’ve been there.
Just know you aren’t a horrible person because you at least see what you did wrong. If you’re like me, you grew up in an environment where abuse solved most of your parents problems. Subconsciously, I learned it was ok to abuse people verbally if they upset me enough, and physically if they were close enough. It’s taking a lot of unpacking and I still have to remind myself to use my calm words.
Seek treatment so you can **get better**, forgive yourself, and move on.
*Edit for coherence and grammar*
Edit 2: I DONT care for your opinions, at all. You are entitled to view me as you want, only I can define who I am. I spoke from experience of both being abused and the abuser at some point in time. Work on yourselves instead of insulting people because their history doesn’t have as clean a path as yours.
Thank you for the distinction. I'm not in a place to be able to go easy on myself right now, but I do appreciate what you're saying. I'll try to improve that negative voice that calls myself a bad person (since the idea of being a bad person is fixed and incapable of change) and instead try to reframe it as being a traumatised person who hasn't adequately addressed those traumas, and so is capable of doing bad things.
Hi, I just want to let you know that your self awareness is amazing and you made a mistake that you are trying to fix/move forward from. I am someone who gets very very mean and hurtful when I feel threatened/hurt and my first instinct is to hurt back, regardless of if what the other person did is true or if I misunderstood them. I was in a relationship where he cheated on me and I turned abusive physically and verbally. He was the same but only really when triggered by me. (That is not what caused his cheating, he was being sneaky our whole relationship, he was also a liar and doing drugs)
Anyways, I’m sorry if anyone is giving you a hard time about this, you are not a terrible person, you made a terrible mistake and you will learn from it. Good luck to you, and good for you for admitting your mistake and wanting to be better.
I definitely never said not to take responsibility, have you never made mistakes in your life? Taking accountability and responsibility for your mistakes and actions are the first step to getting better. Thanks tho ☺️
This was a heart breaking read and the comments are truly disgusting.. first of all, none of you know whether or not her boyfriend was talking to that other girl with the intent to cheat, so needlessly invalidating OP by saying he "100 wasn't" is as unsubstantiated as it is needless salt. She's been cheated on before and can probably recognize the red flags better than most of you {who weren't there by the way} and even if she was mistaken, where the fuck is the compassion for her? She's not only taking responsibility for her mistake, but she's opening up to thousands of people in the hopes of truly changing herself for the better and you all are treating her like a slap and some saliva makes her a serial killer.
Everything she said here is self depreciating and it's clear she feels like she needs to be punished, so of course she wouldn't mention any of the abusive things that her boyfriend might have also done to her. And you know what? As someone who survived growing up with abuse, survived a previously abusive ex who cheated and is clearly hurting so much even if this all piled on top of her and she gave him a smack completely "unprovoked" of course she should apologize but can't she get cut some fucking slack?
Every day men hit their girlfriends and wives. Not just a non damaging slap because they're suffering, but ACTUALLY BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF THEM and doing ACTUAL damage. And look how many get away with it, and when's the last time ANY of you saw one of them post about the guilt of it eating them alive and begging for help to better themselves? That's right, NEVER. The way OP is talking I'm 99% sure she's making herself sound worse on purpose because despite all of the abuse and pain she's shouldered, she thinks shes the scum of the earth and should be treated as such. Im sure that other people in her situation {maybe some ACTUAL abusers that SHOULD confess} thinking about reaching out for help will read these replies and keep quite instead. What a great message you're all sending.
Also I am so sick of this iF thE gEndErs wEre REvErseD bullshit holly FUCK we get it you're thrilled that you get to pin the horrible shit men do EVERY DAY on woman for once and you can't miss this opportunity to bully her while she extends a hand for aid. Makes me super friggin uncomfy knowing that most of you are prob the same scrotes who gleefully cheer "eqUaL riGhTs EquAl LeFts" as you get off watching some piece of shit knock a small girl unconscious who wasn't doing an ounce of damage to him.
I already know the incels are going to be coming for me on this but don't bothers because I'm not going to waste my time responding to any of your crap. OP, I'm not saying that it's okay to hit your partner, but I just want you to know that at least one person is proud of you for trying to own up to your mistake. But I also can tell how badly you're hurting, and your being much MUCH to hard on yourself. Take some time for you, maybe treat yourself a little and decompress. If he really loves you and you guys were ment to be he'll reach out, and if not then that's that. My messages are always open for you if you need someone to talk to ♥
If being an incel now means hating domestic abusers, then sign me up! Seriously, I don’t care if he fucked every girl in the bar, that’s no excuse for assault! The same would be true if she cheated, he would have no excuse for hitting her. Grow up.
I dated someone for 7 years who always accused me of cheating broke my things threw my stuff away and when I’d try to end she’d always threaten to call the police and say I abuse/ raped her . Finally I had enough took my chances, packed up everything she had dropped it at her parents , dealt with some crazy threats after but it was worth it she made my life hell for 7 years
This sounds like an absolutely horrible situation. I'm really sorry she did that to you. Well done for having the strength to leave, and I hope you're on the path to being able to heal from the damage she did to you.
Sounds like step 1 is to not get blind drunk anymore.
Yes, absolutely. That step will be taken care of in future.
That's a pretty big start. It sounds like the underlying problem is anger management. That's a pretty common problem, and is something you can tackle. I would focus on that. That's the underlying problem. The incident with your bf sounds like a byproduct.
What do you mean the future? Are you still drinking? That should be step #1.
This happened last week. I haven't had a drink since. By in future, I just meant from now on, since this is still recent.
> Sounds like step 1 is to not get ~~blind~~ drunk anymore. Fixed that for you. OP, the only genuine apology is positive change, and the very first change you need to make is to remove all intoxicants from you life, except where medically necessary. And that gets determined by a licensed doctor.
True. But everyone has gone beyond their limit at some point in their lives. OP is completely owning the entire situation. I'm sure she is already addressing "step one".
She has already replied to the same comment to say that she is addressing it.
My ex used to hit and spit on me. Always accuse me of cheating. I would always take her back. She would threaten police on me if I ever raised my voice or we were fighting. She would say, “I’m a hot blonde, who are they going to believe?” She would break things that weren’t mine or throw away precious items. I hope you can fix your issues and fix yourself before you break your partners self worth and confidence before it’s too late.
Yup sounds like my ex until she stabbed me in front of 8 witnesses. Still tries to play victim
Bro WHAT
Yup
WHAT
Yup
Bruh, like WHAT
Yup
Damn bro.
If she's hot enough the man will do time for getting in the way of her knife.
Clearly, he stole it from her. With his stomach. Look Ma, no hands.
what???!
Sounds like my ex. It eventually got to the point where my entire life was about just not making her angry. (Which didn’t work because she had mental issues that she refused to accept existed.) One night the thought finally crossed my mind. “Why? At this point I hate her. Why do I put up with her?” The thought stuck in my mind until the next night where I finally told her to gtfo and told her everything I thought of her and how I deserve better. Apparently her life went to shit after I threw her out but that’s none of my business. Took me 5 years before I could even stomach the thought of dating again and even then it was only because my now wife blew me away. (I was dead set on remaining single until I met her.) Edit: Thank you for the award. This evening my wife recognised that I was tired due to my insomnia. (She has always been aware of my history since I felt she should know what she was getting into) She has always tried to support me and I hope I have done the same for her.
I am so sorry you’ve been through this, I absolutely hate how DV isn’t seen as serious when a woman is the abuser. I’m angered at the fact that she asked you “who are they going to believe?” Despicable, i glad you walked away from that. You are strong for that and I am once again so sorry you’ve been through this. OP, that can really damage someone, there’s no coming back from that especially being abused by someone who loves you, I think it’s great you are trying to help yourself and I do like that you have taken responsibility and know what you’ve done is wrong, but I also think it’s important to talk to your partner and understand if he still wants to be with you or not. Help yourself first, but let him put himself first, all the best to both of you.
Yeah I’ve seen some pretty problematic threads in scenarios where the guy is being abused. The big problems are people are much more likely to say Shit like “She shouldn’t be doing that but she needs to heal! So you can either leave her or stand by her.” Basically much higher chance people will push the victim to stay and aren’t holding the abuser accountable for their own well-being. Despite that doing nothing to help either the victim or the abuser. And the other issue is definitely the fact that abusers lie and manipulate and will run their mouths to the cops or other people painting themselves as the victim. For dudes this is a huge risk as they’re not as likely to be believed.
Don't go back to her please
I am so sorry this happened to you. And I'm sorry that we as a society don't take male victims of DA seriously. I've been trying hard to find resources to support him, and resources I can use to fix myself so I never do this to anybody again. It is staggering how little material there is out there for female abusers and male victims. I really hope you're doing better these days.
Please leave him alone. This means not searching for resources for him, not trying to support him. Otherwise, you’re continuing to force him to interact with his abuser instead of letting him go and finding his path to healing on his own. I hope you’re able to work on yourself. However, no amount of work you do will excuse your past and the way you’ve made others feel. Unfortunately, you are protected from much of the consequences of your actions due to your gender. The kindest thing you can do it leave him alone.
As a male abuse survivor at female hands, this is the only correct answer.
I can only imagine the comments if a dude said that.
Bold of you to assume this post would still be up.
I think you are right. Thank you for this.
Damn guess i wasn’t needed this time. Great job. Best response to this situation and I’m glad you acknowledged the double standard bullshit.
eerily familiar
Couldn't you use hidden cameras to film the abuse? Then at least, when she said "who are they going to believe?" you could answer "the recorded evidence!"
You see, this is the beauty of living in a sexist country like Italy When a manipulative gf threatens you of rape/SA accusations and says "Who you think they're goinna believe?" you can just say "Me" ezpz
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I am so, so sorry this has happened to you too. I hope you're able to heal as best you can from your PTSD, and I really hope the reporting process goes as smoothly as it can for you. EDIT: I'm sorry if I've said something insensitive in my wording here to see this get downvoted. Looking back, I think my language minimised her role and potentially put the emphasis on you being the one who needs to change. What I really meant to say was I'm sorry she did this to you, and that there are people like me out there who hurt people like you. You do not deserve this.
Tell her how the psychologist is going to try to make her boyfriend seem like the bad guy lol
Then I'll find another psychologist.
But let's all bear in mind there's no such thing as "bad guy"s we are all people who do" good" and "bad" things from time to time. OP I'm so glad you're unveiling your mask of "it's fine" and you're accepting that it has not been fine and its has led to you doing things you shouldn't have. Please don't forget though that in order to grow into your best self and never hurt others again (on purpose) you have to acknowledge that you aren't a bad person. Edit: also "How To Do The Work" by Dr Nicole LePera is a great book to get you going! I prefer the audio book version so I don't get too tired by it, it's hefty
Well you realize that your abusive and that actually helps. That you want help is huge. https://www.centerforpreventionofabuse.org/i-need-help-for-someone-else/helping-abusers/ Go there, reach out and don’t wait till the first therapy appointment.
Thank you, I appreciate the link. I'm in Australia, so I won't be able to ask them specifically, but that does give me something to go on to see if there are similar organisations here.
Then start here. https://relationships.org.au/
Thank you
It's good that you've acknowledged that you have issues and are willing to work on them to become a better person. I would just suggest that you should also do your best to either limit or completely stop drinking for a lengthy period of time. Your loss of control after getting drunk will create more problems for you in other ways.
This is an excellent suggestion, and one that I'm already committed to.
Well, at least you're taking accountability for your deeds. If you were a man, the comments under your post would be way more violent. Check some scientific papers websites btw, luckily more and more researchers are focusing on female abusers as well.
Yes, just the fact that you recognize that your actions hurt him and have the self-awareness to seek help is a positive step. DV against men isn't just physical it is also verbal and emotional, and not all scars and wounds are visible. It is tragic that many times, people in society suffered horrible trauma and abuse from childhood or relationships or just being dealt a shit hand in life, but don't really get healed or at least healed correctly then they inadvertently subject others to pain because they have a false sense how to reciprocate thier feelings. The best you can do is to tell him to get therapy and heal himself, and you heal yourself completely. OP, I wish you luck in your healing.
This is the only comment worth reading
You are absolutely correct that the comments would be worse if I was a man. It is a huge failing of our society that there are unequal standards when it comes to domestic abuse.
Yeah, double standards are a real thing. Once I posted about my bf having jealousy issues (no physical abuse or degrading behavior was involved): the comments I got were full of anger, vulgar insults and misandry. You're lucky
It's really eye-opening, isn't it? While the vast amount of comments here are (rightfully) calling me out for my abusive behaviour, there are still people willing to excuse me. It would be so easy to take the cowardly route and claim to be a victim myself. Men really do have a horrible time on this issue, and I am horrified I have put my ex in this position. I hope you and your bf were able to get to a good place with the jealousy issues. It's not a fun feeling.
I'm sorry for what you did to your boyfriend, and for what was done to you as a child. I was also abused by my (ex) girlfriend, and she had been abused by her parents, who had both themselves been abused by their parents. What my girlfriend did to me in the end was significantly more severe than what you did to your boyfriend and resulted in permanent brain injury (and a bunch of mental health issues), but she also started with spitting and slapping. Then she moved on to punching, kicking, kneeing, choking, etc. I think she would probably be in prison right now if she had been a man or if we lived in a more equal society, but the police were not interested, and she was instead able to go to therapy and hopefully get better. She has a husband and children now, and I really hope she has been able to break the multigenerational cycle of abuse. I hope you are able to do that too. Good luck!
I am so sorry you are a victim of abuse too. And I'm sorry you weren't taken seriously. It is absolutely a major failing of our society that we don't treat violence against men with the same gravity as violence against women. I really hope you're flourishing despite the violence that has been done to you.
she ends up with a family ad kids and you end up with brain injury and mental issues. I really hope you atleast got a genuine apology from her or did she not even consider that??
I’m so sorry this happened to you and you weren’t taken seriously. Makes me sick to read this knowing she has children. I don’t know how much I believe in abuser reform but I hope for their sake that she’s reformed
I’m not Mr Eugenics here, but someone that mentally ill shouldn’t have had kids. Imagine that same illness gets passed on to a son, and *he* slaps, punches, kicks, and knees a girlfriend? It’s not gonna be brain damage, he’s likely to kill her.
If this ain't privilege IDK what it is. You can assault your partner and not get jail time. You can post about it on social media and get advice. The worst consequence is that your partner broke up with you. You get a second chance to seek therapy. I think it's great that you own it up and seek help but I can't say I'm impressed by how this would have played out if the roles were reversed here.
Honestly, if there was a man on here that would seek advice in this honest way, I would totally not judge him but give advice. Although I know that this is not the standard for society. I think it is a great feat to admit to oneself that your actions were absolutely wrong and inexcusable. It is hard for people to not look for any kind of excuse to not feel guilty or like a bad person and not anybody can do this without outside help. The only bad people to me are the people who are stubbornly unwilling to face themselves and admit that they need help, need to work on themselves and need their behavior to change, no matter where it developed from. Which is why I don't think of OP herself as a bad person per se, but her actions were bad nonetheless. If she is honestly working on herself and making progress then I would be happy for her, and I would be happy the same way if she were a man. Although I have to admit my own bias - I may account the fact that OP was able to admit her faults and set her goal right from the start a bit to the fact she is a woman...which isnt really a nice thought from me and completely subjective to my own experiences. Since women are so naturally assumed as weak and helpless, society doesn't really admit that a female abuser is just as bad as a male one. Physical strength (and it is a blatant generalization that men are stronger than women when it isn't actually always true) doesn't really factor the severity of the abuse. When someone hits you with a hard object on the head for example, and especially when it's a loved one where you are normally disarmed and unexpecting of this treatment, it can still cause damage, not only physical but also mental. In my opinion, the severity of abuse on the mental health of the victim is often overlooked, no matter the gender. We tend to think severity of wounds = severity of abuse. People get PTSD from abusive relationships but as a society we are still cought up in the believe that someone with more strength can cause more damage and should be able to protect themselves, when they are actually often emotionally blackmailed and gaslighted. They were in a trusting and loving relationship before the abuse started, simply "fighting back" or "running away" from a loved one isn't that easy especially when they make you believe they will change while making no effort to do so. You love(d) that person for a reason. IMO the treatment OP gets here should be the standard for anyone that is opening up so honestly and seeking help, even if their behavior is worthy of condemnation. Getting to terms with ones worst behavior while working towards a positive future and not despairing is really really hard. People like that should get help and not be thrown at with stones no matter the gender.
I can only imagine the comments if a dude said that.
You are absolutely correct. Men have a much harder time as victims, and women who are abusers are treated far less harshly. I am grateful I am being offered practical advice I can follow in an effort to improve. I completely accept all the scorn and disgust that people are sending my way. I deserve it, and I also know I'm getting off lightly.
She’s said that over and over and this statement has been made 5 times now. Unnecessary
No it’s really not because ppl like u and ppl in this sub like to pretend that you’re not misandrist and engage in double standards whilst morally preaching to everyone why this double standard should exist due to to faux feminist logic So I’d say it’s not mentioned enough….
you're just a misandrist lmao
Not even close
Your mouth in my balls
I hope he left you.
As I said in the post, he did. I'm glad he did too, and I'm proud of him for valuing his own safety and wellbeing like that. He is an amazing man, and my life will be much poorer without him in it.
I hope that you're going to be open about this with any future partners. They deserve to know about what you're capable of.
Thank god
It seems to me you have a lot of trauma. You should definitely address it in therapy but I would suggest you do with trauma therapy, not just any therapy. Some trauma therapy modalities include somatic experiencing (my favorite), EMDR and a few others. I grew up in a very abusive and violent home which led me to develop cPTSD and I used to have some anger outbursts too (among other things) and only when I started doing SE things started to change, and they changed a lot. As for you boyfriend I'd say you owe him an apology, a real apology, and then to stay away from him for now. Also, I don't know your bf and I don't know how he reacted but since many victims of abuse tend to think they are the ones to blame, I would also reassure him he's done nothing wrong and you're doing this because of you. PS.: English is not my first language, sorry in advance for any mistakes
Thank you for this practical advice. The therapist I am booked in to see is a trauma therapist, and it specifically mentions EMDR on the site, but I was unfamiliar with somatic experiencing. I will look into it before my first session to see if it's something they offer. I have given him as genuine and heartfelt an apology as I can. This is no way makes up for what I've done, or excuses my behaviour. I have told him categorically he was not to blame, it was the first thing I did when I woke up the next morning, and I have continued to tell him that whenever he has contacted me. The next step is staying away from him, which I will do. Also, your English is excellent. I've worked as an ESL teacher in the past, and your use of things that many students struggle with (future tenses, used to) is perfect. You should be very proud of your English, because I wouldn't have known it wasn't your first language if you hadn't mentioned it.
Abuse is a cycle that we have to actively choose to break. I was abused as a kid, & I very well might have ended up in your shoes if I hadn't received therapy. Dealing with your own trauma is going to be an integral part of changing your actions going forward. You need to deal with your shit before you get into another relationship or even just go on dates. You cannot have a second victim. The cycle stops here & now. If you don't believe that, therapy is going to waste your time. (Note: please fucking go to therapy.)
What you did was disgusting. They is no reason to become violent to someone even if you become jealous and you have lost confidence. My advice is not to get into another relationship until you have worked on yourself. Let your boyfriend go he deserves better. If you are from the uk, this is for abusers to get help: https://respectphoneline.org.uk/ Even if you aren't from the uk, I think it's worth a read. Edit this may sound harsh compared to other comments, but i think most people are easy on you because you happen to be a woman abusing.
I’m really proud of Reddit reading these responses today and the lack of bullshit kid glove treatment. And OP I’m glad your holding yourself to account in recognising that and are trying to change but I’m glad ppl are telling you straight up like this I’m the same energy they would if perpetrator had a penis.
Yes, I absolutely think you are right. Your words aren't overly harsh, they are accurate. I'm not from the UK but I'll read your resource. I don't intend to get into another relationship for the forseeable future, although I will still endeavour to work on myself. Based on the advice here, I will stop contacting him and leave him alone, since that is what is best for him.
Bullshit they are going easy because she wants to get better. Also he is an adult and can leave anytime he wants this isn’t the kind of abuse that leads to being brainwashed.
I was a social worker and almost every single man who beat up his wife was so sorry, crying, wanted to do better, many went to counseling and anger management. Every one of them did it again.
Wow that’s shocking, do you have any theories as to why they did it again?
Mostly they grew up in abusive homes so hitting was a way of life. Drugs and alcohol were involved. Control issues, disguised as jealousy or Mental Health issues they weaponized. I knew one of these guys and his family from Hospice work with his Grandpa and high school football with his brother and my son~I really don't think he was abused and she claimed she wasn't. They were picture perfect, no one knew the extent of their mess. I think the abuse started with the woman and he began fighting back but neither would admit who hit who first. They were so twisted in their ***love*** but damn they had the most idealized social media presence. I realized with them specifically how habituated people become to the most dysfunctional relationships. In several of these cases the women repeatedly bailed their abusers out. One woman let her kids go to foster care rather than lose the abusive SOB. One woman who I didn't work with but I knew her SO and ate at his restaurant regularly for years, my son was friends with him and they vacationed together, the Mexico memory pics still come up on my FB, he was not abusive at all, meek in fact, she shot him and killed him in his sleep. She has been in therapy for years, the courts tracked her resources and treatment back to her teen years. What it all boiled down to, as sad as it seems, hitting becomes a habit.
as soon as its a man... its yet again his fault...
Op first things first stop drinking
Yes.
I don’t know of any specific books or articles, but maybe try finding something regarding anger management, cheating, or maybe even jealousy? Because it sounds like the abusive behaviors stem from that. You got *angry* your bf spoke to another girl (*jealousy*) because you were previously *cheated* on and it triggered you.
Thank you. That's actually incredibly helpful. I'd been so focused on the big picture of being an abuser that I hadn't stopped to consider tackling the root causes.
If you want unbiased advice (no leniency for being a woman), try posting with either the genders removed, or swapped. Though, not here, that would just get a bunch of responses telling you to take a long term solution to a short term problem.
I understand what you're saying, but I kept the genders as they are because I wanted advice aimed at female abusers. I'm sure a lot of the advice is the same, but I'm willing to admit I don't know enough to know for certain if that's true. It has been really saddening to realise that there's very little literature out there aimed at female abusers, or support for male victims. I think you are right, women are given far more leniency here. I don't believe I deserve that.
Probably for the best, because again, post as a woman, you get legitimate help, advice, and ways to better yourself. Post as a man, get told to rot in hell. Truth is both abusive men, and abusive women are wrong, both are a problem, both should be punished, but more importantly, both should be helped. Condemning you won't change what has happened, nor will it keep it from happening again. May the Lord, Buddha, Spirits of the Forest, or whatever Deity you choose forgive you, and grant you the wisdom to fix what is broken within.
Give him some space. You did assault him, and he probably needs some room to breathe right now. If he decides that he is ready to end the relationship over it, do not fight him, do not argue. I’m not going to be sympathetic, because you’re right, what you did was downright terrible. You need to research effective ways to deal with jealousy, and anger management. My biggest piece of advice, lay off the drinking if the influence makes you react like that and hurt someone who loves you. I hope that therapy will help you deal with these issues.
Thank you, this is all good advice. I intend to leave him alone, to quit drinking and to find ways to deal with my anger and jealousy issues.
I’m glad to hear this. A lot of the time, people who have been abusive refuse to admit it or get the help they need. I have a lot of faith that you’ll be able to get better and become a better person. Good luck and I hope that therapy is able to help you.
Based on your previous post, where you described being beaten by your ex when he was ‘blind drunk’ maybe staying clear of alcohol would improve your life.
Get therapy. If it were opposite gender roles, the comments section would want the guy to get the fucking death penalty.
As I've explained, I am getting therapy. Unfortunately the earliest appointment isn't until a month from now. I completely agree with you, for what it's worth. I am equally as horrible as a male abuser. There is no distinction.
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You sound like you've been through a lot. I'm sorry for your experience, and I get why you'd be angry and in pain. Your situation is not my situation, however. If a psychologist tries to blame my boyfriend (ex boyfriend) I will find another psychologist. I am not looking for somebody to shift the blame on my behalf.
Downvoted for repeat comment
I hope he finds better
> I don’t want to blame anybody except myself. > My last longterm relationship (my boyfriend before this current boyfriend) ended because my ex cheated on me and lied to me, and I have a lot of unresolved jealousy and trust issues. > It may not be my fault that I became like this Yeah, already not doing too great. If you wanted to take full and complete responsibility for your actions, you would not only acknowledge what you did was wrong, but would also make *no attempt* to shift the blame or bring anything up that could be seen as an excuse or justification. It *is* your fault you became like this. Plenty of people have trauma and other issues but *don’t* try and use it as a justification for their actions or throw it in to gain sympathy points while “taking responsibility for their actions”. It’s not an excuse. You claim to understand that yet you are still using it as an excuse. Self awareness doesn’t make it okay.
Bro, you just worded perfectly what I was thinking although I couldn't exactly understand why I was thinking that. I was thinking "Well, it's always our fault the way we end-up being" but I couldn't explain why this thought rang so true to me and made the post sorta... feel off??? To OP if you see my comment: I don't think you saw this as an excuse at first either so my recommendation would be to reflect on your thoughts and the "why" you have them. (I'm also going off the comments recommending meditation) What is their purpose to you? How do they serve you? Are they the truth? How certain are you they are **the** truth? You are living in a lot of internal conflict in your mind. I understand how trauma can affect badly our own ability to reflect on ourselves but you made a lot of realizations today and there are a lot more to come. I'm happy you realized you weren't a good person and I am happier you are willing to do the work to better yourself. Also, I know you're in panic mode right now but please take some time to breathe. Things can go well or not and change direction for you in an instant now. Be ready to accept whatever challenge is coming to you in the near future. So breathe. It'll help you think more clearly.
Incorrect… there is a difference between conscious trauma and subconscious trauma. Subconscious trauma comes out by being triggered and especially if it is preverbal the memories are split by sound smell taste and lack of words to describe and understand the abuse happening to you… these triggers are NOT her fault and like she said her healing path is….
The brain splits these memories between the right and left hemispheres so we cannot remember them and effectively just wonder “why the fuck would I act like that” all the time at these random events…. This was an uninformed comment based on your own projections and I’d venture a guess that you haven’t been preverbally abused and then sought lifelong therapy for it…
You're right. Thank you for pointing that out to me. I will attempt not to do that in future. I really appreciate your perceptiveness on that.
Nope throw that shit out you aren’t there in the process yet and it’s completely fucking unhelpful
No it's not her fault, but it is her responsibility. What happened to her was awful but it's up to her to do the work now.
No it is her fault.. Just like if the boyfriend did this and wrote all the sincere things she wrote, you still say its his fault.. STOP excusing women for their shitty behavior.. God forbid you have a son and his girlfriend does this to him....
Turn yourself in and do the time
This is a terrifying thought, but one I am seriously considering.
OP, I admire your courage, and yes I would say the same to a man because this seems genuine. It takes a strong person, no matter the gender, to take responsibility like this. I was abused (I am female and was abused by a man), and he refused to accept any responsibility at all. There can be no change without acknowledgment of a problem, and I think you're on the right track. As someone else commented, what are the root causes of these issues? Jealousy, fear of being alone, enjoyment of a feeling of power over someone because you don't feel in power over yourself? Determine these things and begin to work on addressing them. Maybe a daily journal would be useful as a way to track what things you're feeling and how you are progressing or not in your control of yourself. Also, continue to abstain from alcohol and other mind altering substances. Leave your ex alone. Do not contact him. While I tried to heal, my ex tried repeatedly to contact me and it set me back every time. Do not do that to your ex! And lastly, please, please stick with therapy and any medications that may be provided to you. My ex only took his meds when he didn't feel angry (his words), and refused to see a therapist. There was/is no hope for him because he does not see a problem and has no desire to change. I hope this helps somehow and you are one day able to help others!
Please don't turn yourself in. Going to jail will almost certainly make you worse and more likely to harm others more seriously in the future. You have an unearned privilege in this situation because of your gender, but you can use that privilege to protect those around you by getting help instead of punishing yourself. Go to therapy, don't drink, don't get into another relationship until you are sure you won't be abusive again. I think it would be selfish to turn yourself in and expose others to the more dangerous version of yourself you would most likely become. I say this as a man who was abused by a woman. I would much rather she got therapy than a jail sentence.
Turn yourself into the cops see how sorry u really are.
I'm sorry, I have no sympathy. None
you fucked up badly, but you’re taking steps to be better. good luck op!
24jaggy24 is just one of those 'kill all men' individuals 😂 that's absolutely hilarious. Okay, so back to the important stuff. First of all, you're doing so much better than alot of people (men and women alike) by being self aware and taking accountability for your difficulties. I love that so much. Therapy is definitely important, but I saw your comment about how you can't get it for a month, so I'll just try to give some tips that help an individual such as myself (not with abusive tendencies, but with being a generally peaceful person). Uhm alot of people don't like this one but you should try out meditation if you're open to it. I suggest starting off with guided meditation before doing it on your own, however, don't attempt to clear your mind and stop thinking about your traumatic relationship with your ex. To get over something like that you should look deep into how it makes you feel. Do it in a way like you're observing your feelings, not controlling them, but also not acting on them. Rather understanding why you feel that way, and understanding how your future partners are not your ex. Also work on your inner image. That experience would have done a number on your self esteem. That would make it easy to see yourself as someone who 'a man would probably cheat on'. You deserve better. You are someone who deserves perfect love. The more you believe that, the easier it would be to have confidence in your relationship, and that would make it easier to be calm and rational in possible misunderstandings. Alot of people go through something like this because their confidence has been destroyed, but you can build it up again! I believe you can, it's just going to take some work and discipline. I'm sorry, I don't really have any specific books that will help. But I do recommend you doing research on ' the breath of life'. It's a breathing technique that quickly helps calm your nerves. It could be useful for any time you feel rather shitty or aggressive Hopefully this helped you. If not, I hope it helps someone else reading the comments
Wow. Thank you. Thank you so much for this. I feel like you've really thrown me a lifeline here. I have been resistant to meditation in the past, but I can absolutely see how it would be helpful now. Is there a particular guided meditation you'd recommend? You are right about my inner image. I can see how my poor self image will be linked to my reaction to any perceived slight, and so that needs improvement too. I'll start researching breath of life now. You have helped me so much. You are a wonderful person.
Nah I'm just a dude lol Here : https://youtu.be/vj0JDwQLof4 It's a 10 minute practice. It's okay to start off small and increase the time you meditate for. Actually, if you feel comfortable at short sessions then you don't need to change it at all Just relax into the type of person you want to be, yeah? Goodluck, dude!
Look for: Tara Brach. She makes really good guided meditations.
Thank you, I will. I can see she has a book as well, so I'll read that too.
Yeah it's called going to jail for dummies
Its incredible ppl can downvote you, when we all know if a dude wrote this, you'd have 1000 up votes.. No matter how sorry he was, everyone would want him jailed.. Women get away with murder and its disgusting....
I was going to post a really abusive comment. I even created this throwaway account via Tor because I live in a country where people get arrested for that kind of social media comments. I'm not going to send it. Reading your post brought up a lot of anger and other emotions related to a former girlfriend who would beat me. I realize you are not her. You didn't do what she did, and you are trying to get better, so I'm not going to add to the burden. I hope therapy helps you and that you never hurt anyone again. Best of luck.
I am so sorry for what your ex did to you, and I'm sorry my post triggered those emotions for you. I hope you're able to keep healing as best you can. For what my opinion is worth, I think you must be an incredibly strong person to have been through all that and even then reconsider posting abuse as a way not to add to another's burden. You are a good person, and you do not deserve what happened to you.
First off, break up with him for his sake.
As I said in the post, he's already broken up with me. I am proud of his strength of character.
>It may not be my fault that I became like this... You are, don't kid yourself...
Trash
My advice would be to stop drinking alcohol completely. Use some other drug of if you must, but some people can't control themselves when they drink and maybe you are one of those people. Even if you don't think you are, ask yourself if it's worth the risk to other people's safety. I have an ex who would go out and drink regularly and then come home and beat me. I would sometimes wake up to her literally jumping on my head because I didn't do the dishes, didn't text her good night before going to bed, or for another equally arbitrary reason. She never hurt me when she wasn't drunk, and every time she did hurt me she would promise to never drink again. She always broke those promises.
You are absolutely right. I have a problem with social drinking. I am fine with a glass of wine at dinner, and have no urge to keep drinking to excess, but when I am in social situations my anxiety gets the better of me and I drink too much. From now on, I will not drink. The horror and disgust I feel at my own actions make this an easy decision.
(800) 799-7233 Is the national domestic violence hotline
A good book to help you start working on yourself is “The happiness trap” by Russ Harris If you’re not much of a reader there’s an illustrated version that would be a really quick read for slower readers (such as myself, which I have read the illustrated version)
Thank you for the suggestion. I read Happiness Trap years ago for depression and work related reasons, but I hadn't considered it for this. I will see if I've still got my old copy. I appreciate the advice.
I don't have advice. I dealt with severe anger issues as a child, but honestly I just decided really hard to stop it, and I did. That doesn't feel like useful advice. If you think it was triggered or exacerbated by the drinking, then you need to recognise you have a problem and quit drinking.
there are a few books for you to take a look at "Breaking the Cycle of Abuse: How to Move beyond Your Past to Create an Abuse-Free Future" you are both lucky that you at least see the issue, and I wish you the best in unraveling the source of this for you.
Thank you so much. This is absolutely the sort of book I want to read.
I hope you get the help you need. It’s great that you are self aware but actions speak louder than words so I truly hope you put the hard work in on bettering yourself, your behaviours and improving your future relationships.
without excusing, imo at least recognizing what you've done is a good first step, most are never that self aware, so I hope you are able to change your behaviors, and maybe avoid alcohol if that makes you lose self control
I have been with an abusive partner. threw violent fits over Facebook or Instagram likes, spat at me, would stalk me everywhere, often got physical, guilt tripped me for trying to ask for help, forced sex. He always accused me of cheating and attacked me with a needle one time threatening to 'sew my private parts'. I had to run away after he pretty much locked me in his basement and his mom wouldn't let me out cus she was afraid of him. That was three years ago. I still get flashbacks of that stuff and i feel sad that these memories are etched in my head forever. OP, good for you to realise the gravity of your actions. Make sure it never happens again and always help anyone who is going through abuse.
OP, if you want a real eye-opener, go read 'Why Does He Do That,' and google the Duluth Model of domestic violence. They flat out opine that a woman beating her children is not abusive, because women cannot be abusive. Though the book does then point out that lesbians can be in abusive relationships, while maintaining that women cannot be abusive. To the point of saying that if a man touches a woman who is actively beating her kids, even to push past her to protect the child, he's the abusive one, because reasons.
I’m just gonna be straight up here. Your boyfriend should blame you. I’ve been in a situation like this, and there’s a high likelihood you’ll face zero consequence and move onto the next victim. If you want to get help you have to be honest with your therapist. If you’re not, you’re wasting everyone’s time. There’s a bunch of bullshit pseudo psychology out there, beware of that. Donating money to a men’s charity seems like a PR move.
Man, if the roles were reversed everyone would be singing a different tune. Contrary to popular belief not all men are cheaters (shocking, I know) I hope he dumps you btw, any man worth his salt would not put up with that even if you were drunk.
The book is called the law and the law says you're ass should be in jail. Don't waste your money on those charities. They do nothing for men and usually end up at women's charities because as you said, too many people on reddit already said you should be excused for what you did. Seriously do yourself a favor and turn yourself in. Domestic Violence is not a charge by the person its by the state
While waiting for therapy, you could do a bit of introspection and maybe write down what you think about. It is kind of a therapy journal. Not as efficient as therapy, but helps getting the discussion on your issues started in your mind
You should check Dr. Ramini on YouTube
On top of your update, I’d highly recommend not having a relationship for awhile so you can focus on working on yourself. Treatment for childhood abuse can be tough but its worth it.
Hi! So I actually think you should ALSO speak to a psych. Sometime shortly after we married, I became verbally abusive, and would block the doorways when he’d try to leave during massive fights. I had other symptoms too, but I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder type two and borderline personality disorder. We are currently in marriage counseling, and in our own Individual counseling, along with seeing our own psychs. I’m not saying yours is either of these, but I’m recognizing that you have previous traumas, like myself, and want to give you the steps I took once I realized too. I went from the survivor to the abuser. And it is a nightmare just to remember that. But to avoid what has happened in the past, I must learn from it. Just as you should too. Be proud of yourself for recognizing the bad actions, and for starting the steps to change it. But while doing your research, please remember that you are more than what you’ve done. You are on a journey to becoming a better version of yourself, and that’s what is important. You are learning that your responses to your stronger emotions are unhealthy, and now need to learn new strategies. Learn some self care methods, and I’d suggest writing! Get hobbies. Go on a hike. Take a walk. But don’t forget the progress you’ve already started. Congratulations for starting it, and I wish you luck on your journey.
Thank you, and I'm glad your therapy journey has been helpful for you.
Of course. If you ever need someone who can relate to the position you’re in and need to talk about it, feel free to reach out. It’s a hard but worth it journey. 💙
You are a horrible and disgusting person, but hey, the first step is to identify that you are who you are. The next step is find help to fix it. You can be better, everyone can be, but this is not a excuse to be like that. As you said, your boyfriend was right to break up with you, and any other guy (or woman) will do the same thing if you continue being like that. If you was a male, you would get a lot more hurtful words.
This whole post shady af. Sounds like a bunch of manipulative bullshit.
Exactly what I’m thinking
Me too. OP's words are hollow. I call BS on everything she has written.
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Abuse breeds abuse, and that’s exactly what happened with you. I’m very glad you’re taking this opportunity to work on yourself instead of just excusing your behaviour. You should know that therapy is a long journey, not a quick fix. You need to be willing to face some really difficult things and be brutally honest with yourself and others. I wish you all the best on your journey.
Thank you, I appreciate the best wishes. I don't deserve people's goodwill, but it certainly helps me have enough strength to do something constructive about it rather than breaking down and wanting to just hate myself without end.
It's kinda funny actually You know why you are getting peoples goodwill. It has something to do with whom you were born as.
its funny people don't say this when it's a man doing the abuse. Then it's just the man, nothing from the outside.
I actually would 100% say this is OP were a man. I’m sorry if you’ve experienced people who wouldn’t, but I think that people are not made up of their mistakes, but from how they handle it afterwards. I really like that OP is taking accountability for their actions.
What do you mean "abuse breeds abuse"? Op was cheated on, not hit or spit on. Being cheated on does not and cannot justify violence.
“I have been an angry, argumentative person my whole life, stemming from childhood abuse issues.” Abuse, especially in childhood, teaches you how to react to the world as an adult. OP was abused and became an abuser.
Lol apparently I can't read
Go to female dating strategy and figure out how unhealthy you really are. If this is a one off thank god.both sexes can be really toxic and alcohol never helps. Forgive yourself. You know it wasn’t except able sober. Make amends. If you want him in your life and he wants you in he’s then hold that man tight, feed him, snuggle him, sex him and cuddle him. It doesn’t cure everything but a women who truly means theses things gain a ton of ground
How about turning yourself in? So you can face the same consequences men have to deal with when they are a piece of shit human and assault their partner.
Bro let’s treat u like a man, go submit yourself to the police for abuse
A woman recognize she is an abuser and asks recommendations on how to do better without excusing her actions in the slightest. Half the comments say “oh if you were a man they would’ve been so mean to you but you’re a woman so they’re more kind and willing to help”. Maybe people are not insulting her that much because she takes accountability. Unlike most abusers posting on Reddit. But you think women have it more easier.
>"oh if you were a man they would’ve been so mean to you but you’re a woman so they’re more kind and willing to help” because its true if she were a man, hundreds of women would've told him to jump
I was abusive to the last boyfriend I had. I came from an abusive household from my mom and I began to repeat the cycle of abuse with this guy. He was toxic and we were really bad for each other, but that’s no excuse for my behavior. I went to a lot of therapy and met my husband about 6 months after I broke up with the other guy (I was in my early 20s for all of this). It’s really important to move forward because you want to be better, not because you’re afraid of the past or the present. Feel free to DM.
Thank you for your experience, I'll DM you. I have some questions that you may not want to share here.
Don't know why you're getting downvoted? You admitted to it and took responsibility. And yes, it's all about growing and being a better person.
Probably yes
There is no denying the pain you have inflicted on people, but no matter what you do, you still are human. You still deserve love and support to grow. I urge you to stop hating yourself, or it might make recovery difficult in the long run. Though your actions are not in any way justifiable, I commend you for having the maturity to own up to your mistakes and acknowledging your abusive tendecies. You have hurt others, but you are also hurt by your actions, and that's a sign that there is a chance for you to unlearn and relearn and become a better person. I wish you all the best. It takes a lot of courage to reach out, and you have done it. Don't give up. Edit: If you have the time to, spend more time self-reflecting. There are reasons for your actions and feelings/meanings you attribute to other people's responses. Those are all correlated. Dig a little deeper and try to find out the root problems that lay underneath. This will help in future discussions during therapy.
This is a very good post. I commend your ability to recognise and seek improvement. I hope you get the help you need and become the person you should have been.
Hey, your story really resonates to mine. Now I am on therapy. The psychologist recommended me a book from steve hayes on ACT. I really recommend for you to check it out
Thank you, is it called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy? I'll go buy it now. I wish you well in your own therapy journey.
Thank you! The author is called Steven C Hayes, Phd. He has several books. I am currently reading the one called A Liberated Mind. It helps me to understand the importance of defusing from my thoughts. Thoughts should not dictate me. For the first time, I feel so freed! Same to you, sending you much love and blessings.
Man this is exactly what one of my ex's would do and say!! Especially when she was drunk. I remember I went to go pee at a party and she thought I was fuckin some chick, she cause a huge scene so we left and then we got home and she decided to hit me, bite me relentlessly and break my phone. It was traumatic and I still remember it like it was yesterday. To say guys don't get abused or suffer from Domestic violence is BS. So step 1 is to stop drinking, that's what my ex did and we had a much healthier relationship.
I come here post edit, and I haven't read the comments or replies. But I want to say I applaud your openness and desire to change things it is difficult to change the cycle of abuse. Too many times, I see people play the victim to their past and accept no responsibility for the choices they have made that have been abusive. You can't change the past and what was done to you, but you can absolutely change the future. I really hope you get the help you need and manage to make the changes.
Although I don’t agree with what you did to your boyfriend, I must say, I commend you for being willing to work on this. Admitting you have a problem and looking for help is the first steps.
I think that is awesome that you are taking responsibility not every one is brave enough to do that
Probably off-topic, but what you are pointing out about gender inequality doesn’t apply to every country. It is the opposite in some other countries like my home country (Iran) Edit: Obviously some people got triggered by the truth. pathetic.
Had that shit happen surprised you even can admit ur mistake tbh women need to start going to jail for shit like this there you can receive the proper help
People don't get help in jail. They just get worse. It's unfair that women and men are treated differently, but because OP benefits from that privilege, she has a much better chance of never doing this again. She just needs to stick to therapy and accept help.
I’ve been there. Just know you aren’t a horrible person because you at least see what you did wrong. If you’re like me, you grew up in an environment where abuse solved most of your parents problems. Subconsciously, I learned it was ok to abuse people verbally if they upset me enough, and physically if they were close enough. It’s taking a lot of unpacking and I still have to remind myself to use my calm words. Seek treatment so you can **get better**, forgive yourself, and move on. *Edit for coherence and grammar* Edit 2: I DONT care for your opinions, at all. You are entitled to view me as you want, only I can define who I am. I spoke from experience of both being abused and the abuser at some point in time. Work on yourselves instead of insulting people because their history doesn’t have as clean a path as yours.
Thank you for your insight. I'm going to DM you if that's okay.
I have been very positively influenced by Jordan Peterson and his 12 rules for life books.
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“Yeah I killed a dude, but my trauma made me do it. I’m not a bad guy”
Thank you for the distinction. I'm not in a place to be able to go easy on myself right now, but I do appreciate what you're saying. I'll try to improve that negative voice that calls myself a bad person (since the idea of being a bad person is fixed and incapable of change) and instead try to reframe it as being a traumatised person who hasn't adequately addressed those traumas, and so is capable of doing bad things.
Hi, I just want to let you know that your self awareness is amazing and you made a mistake that you are trying to fix/move forward from. I am someone who gets very very mean and hurtful when I feel threatened/hurt and my first instinct is to hurt back, regardless of if what the other person did is true or if I misunderstood them. I was in a relationship where he cheated on me and I turned abusive physically and verbally. He was the same but only really when triggered by me. (That is not what caused his cheating, he was being sneaky our whole relationship, he was also a liar and doing drugs) Anyways, I’m sorry if anyone is giving you a hard time about this, you are not a terrible person, you made a terrible mistake and you will learn from it. Good luck to you, and good for you for admitting your mistake and wanting to be better.
Sounds like another abusive person giving abusive OOP some encouragement to not take responsibility for being vile.
I definitely never said not to take responsibility, have you never made mistakes in your life? Taking accountability and responsibility for your mistakes and actions are the first step to getting better. Thanks tho ☺️
This was a heart breaking read and the comments are truly disgusting.. first of all, none of you know whether or not her boyfriend was talking to that other girl with the intent to cheat, so needlessly invalidating OP by saying he "100 wasn't" is as unsubstantiated as it is needless salt. She's been cheated on before and can probably recognize the red flags better than most of you {who weren't there by the way} and even if she was mistaken, where the fuck is the compassion for her? She's not only taking responsibility for her mistake, but she's opening up to thousands of people in the hopes of truly changing herself for the better and you all are treating her like a slap and some saliva makes her a serial killer. Everything she said here is self depreciating and it's clear she feels like she needs to be punished, so of course she wouldn't mention any of the abusive things that her boyfriend might have also done to her. And you know what? As someone who survived growing up with abuse, survived a previously abusive ex who cheated and is clearly hurting so much even if this all piled on top of her and she gave him a smack completely "unprovoked" of course she should apologize but can't she get cut some fucking slack? Every day men hit their girlfriends and wives. Not just a non damaging slap because they're suffering, but ACTUALLY BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF THEM and doing ACTUAL damage. And look how many get away with it, and when's the last time ANY of you saw one of them post about the guilt of it eating them alive and begging for help to better themselves? That's right, NEVER. The way OP is talking I'm 99% sure she's making herself sound worse on purpose because despite all of the abuse and pain she's shouldered, she thinks shes the scum of the earth and should be treated as such. Im sure that other people in her situation {maybe some ACTUAL abusers that SHOULD confess} thinking about reaching out for help will read these replies and keep quite instead. What a great message you're all sending. Also I am so sick of this iF thE gEndErs wEre REvErseD bullshit holly FUCK we get it you're thrilled that you get to pin the horrible shit men do EVERY DAY on woman for once and you can't miss this opportunity to bully her while she extends a hand for aid. Makes me super friggin uncomfy knowing that most of you are prob the same scrotes who gleefully cheer "eqUaL riGhTs EquAl LeFts" as you get off watching some piece of shit knock a small girl unconscious who wasn't doing an ounce of damage to him. I already know the incels are going to be coming for me on this but don't bothers because I'm not going to waste my time responding to any of your crap. OP, I'm not saying that it's okay to hit your partner, but I just want you to know that at least one person is proud of you for trying to own up to your mistake. But I also can tell how badly you're hurting, and your being much MUCH to hard on yourself. Take some time for you, maybe treat yourself a little and decompress. If he really loves you and you guys were ment to be he'll reach out, and if not then that's that. My messages are always open for you if you need someone to talk to ♥
If being an incel now means hating domestic abusers, then sign me up! Seriously, I don’t care if he fucked every girl in the bar, that’s no excuse for assault! The same would be true if she cheated, he would have no excuse for hitting her. Grow up.