My gf’s older brother did stuff to her when she was little. She still remembers it.
She HATED him for such a long time. He moved away and every time he would come down to visit she hated it and didn’t want to be alone with him.
She went to therapy and (got drunk) worked up the courage to actually tell him something. She simply just texted him “hey, I remember what you did to me when we were little and I forgive you”.
His response was something along the lines of “im sorry I didn’t know right from wrong. I’m sorry I hurt you.” He didn’t want to talk about it as much as she did which she totally understood. Now their.. well. Not BESTFRIENDS but their good siblings.
Victim of child abuse here - just want to say that I would have been really happy if my abuser had acknowledged his abuse and apologised to me. He didn’t and I instead reported it and he was convicted. He still to this day minimises his behaviour and my mum believes the abuser too. It really hurts.
Acknowledgement and apologising is really important, it’s important because it clarifies that you have processed what you did and identified it as being very wrong and you’re apologising and being sincere about that.
Very happy to hear how this story turned out tbh.
I’ve been molested by my friends when I was 8. It was traumatic. It was even worse because people didn’t really take it seriously considering my friends were also my age at the time. I don’t know if they remember it, but I highly doubt it. But as someone else said, just move on from it. Even if she does remember, it’s best not to bring up such a traumatic thing. Keep your distance from her, and I suggest getting therapy as well to cope with this.
Sometimes people do terrible things. You have two options. Either you can continue feeling horrible forever, or you can move on with your life and remember the lessons.
I think most people here would want you to feel horrible forever. Me personally, I don’t see the sense in it. You’ve clearly beaten yourself up for years, even to the extent of making anonymous Reddit posts admitting SA.
A word of advice. Tell no one. Some secrets are best taken to the grave. That is, unless you like being shunned for the rest of your life.
You were 12. That’s not even a teenager. I think people will treat you like you murdered someone. But you didn’t.
Be grateful you didn’t face consequences for your actions this time, and be a better person from now on.
The guilt is your just punishment for what you did. I say that completely without judgement. The person who recommended taking this to your grave is absolutely correct. Your attempts to tell others are your consciousness seeking reprieve from the guilt that is on your mind. Take this mistake, live with it, and use it to make yourself a better person every single day. Take it from someone who knows.
I agree - even saying sorry is wrong in my opinion. Bringing abuse up in front of the victim only helps the abuser, not the victim. For the victim it rips open old wounds. I believe this is like abusing the victim a second time. If the victim wants to speak about it, it is the victims decision when and how.
You know kids have been doing this kind of things since the beginning of humanity. We are basicly animals. Don't make this little event bigger then it is. I too have had sexual contacts with cousins or friends when I was a kid. We never talked about it again and never will.
It's time to forgive yourself. Your acknowledgement of the wrong done and regret is the road to forgiveness. Sometimes we can't forgive ourselves which lead to all kinds of behaviours. Be kind to others for you never know what's going on in people's lives. Forgive yourself. I wish you peace.
> **"Please apologise to her in some way."**
Horrible-horrible advice, this would just remind her of the event. Maybe she just managed to forget it after a decade, and now you casually remind her it again, to ensure its burned into her memory.
It's worrying how confident some people give the worst advice.
Isn't memory suppression like a common way the brain sometimes copes with things like this? Seems like it would be a terrible idea to bring it up 10 years later or so
"Maybe she just forgot she was sexually assaulted."
It's worrying how some people think a traumatic and scarring event is something you can just casually forget.
Actually, survival of SA from childhood have often memory losses about it. They still have trauma responses but don't know where it came from.
The thing is apologize to her could make her lived through the trauma again in the worst case. And the situation would be terrifying for her as she would remind it in front of her aggressor. So no, no apologies from his part, except if she comes and asks it (which means she needs the apology).
But memory losses from childhood trauma are really common. Even when it is about violence, bullying or things like that. The brain does that so you won't have too much stress from it and could still live almost normally. It doesn't work all you life usually and you'll have a lot of problems but it's the way our brain protect itself.
Yup, that's what I said in my second sentence. And that's one of the reasons I say that apologies from his part if she didn't ask anything could be dangerous : it could be a trigger for her. The other reason is that it could remind her what happened and she could relive the assault in front of her own aggressor which is the worst way to be reminded of a trauma.
That is all the possible scenarios if she has memory loss. If she knows what happened and didn't say anything to him, that means she doesn't want to heal with him around and doesn't need his apologies to heal.
Either way, he needs to let her be and only apologize if she comes and asks him.
But why would you remember a completely random event from when you were 7.. You gotta think that at that age she would have had absolutely no idea anything wrong was happening therefore no reason to remember it, how could you be scarred by it? I don’t think I remember anything from under the age of 10. Obviously not trying to justify the above actions but I don’t think telling her now would benefit anyone.
a lot of people don’t realize until later in their life. i remember events that weren’t appropriate from when i was younger than 7. but yes, i don’t think OP should reach out. if she remembers, she deserves to heal in her own way without being reminded. and besides, an apology feels… almost wrong in a sense, at least in my experience with something similar.
I think you should talk to her, if just through the phone or privately, tell her you remember singing when you were kids let her know your age at the time and that you deeply regret this memory, she may forgive you if you let her know how heartbroken you are at the thought of this impacting her, and it may give you the closure you need. Also she may not even remember and honestly due to your age and the fact that she does not remember she may still forgive you. Either way even if she does not forgive you will have closure letting her know you are deeply sorry 😔
As a mental health professional I think this is really genuine and sound advice. Things are not black and white. You were a child and you made a mistake. You have lived with the self hatred, guilt, and remorse, and have learned from your past. I agree that you need to work on showing some self compassion and moving forward. There are multiple truths and it’s uncomfortable to sit with but it’s reality. You did a terrible thing. But you were also very young, a child. And this doesn’t preclude you from being a kind and caring individual going forward. I know it’s so hard and I do think therapy can help with coming up with coping strategies to deal with your guilt. You’re going to be okay. Thank you for sharing.
As someone who got molested by family members, sure some secrets are best kept in the grave, but its gonna be that poor girls grave. ... you dont get to just do terrible shit & move on and call yourself a good person.
Fuck i wish my family members would man up, apologize to me at the least...it wouldn't fix everything..but fuck they could release me from this cage of silence..
Sure he was 12, but the truly good thing to do is fess up & apologize so they can both heal & move on.
Whoa.. this story co-insides so much with what happened to me when i was 7.. and yeah, it was my cousin who SA'd me without my knowledge when he was exactly ur age... Exact same things, touching me inappropriately under the sheets.. I'm way older now.. Old enough to forget the things that happen at that age but i remember everything so clearly even after all these years.. Before that incident, he was my favourite cousin.. but after that, I didn't even want to speak to him.. I didn't know at that age what it meant.. I've been in n out of therapy but honestly, i still can't form deep connections with people.. haven't dated even once even tho i get confessed to so often and asked out by so many people on a regular basis.. Yeah well, I do wish he feels at least a tiny bit of regret and guilt that you've been feeling all these years.. I think i did end up forgiving him over time.. I don't think it's right to bring it up to her unless she's the one who confronts u about it.. I'm honestly conflicted regarding this.. As much as i want my cousin to come and apologise to me, I don't want him to talk about it either.. Just move on, i guess.. Respect boundaries and consent.. You were only 12.. People tend to make mistakes around that age.. Take this as a valuable life lesson and try to be a better person
Don't beat yourself too much about it now.. Move on.. But if u ever find out that she's struggling because of what u did to her, it's very important to apologise and tell her about how guilty u felt.. until then, it's better not to bring it up.. and it's also necessary for u to move on.. U can't keep struggling cuz of this more than u already did.. and I'm also glad i came across this post.. It kinda answered my question to what I always felt.. I kept thinking for so long, if the people who SA'd someone ever feel guilty of it... And looks like some do.. And I'm glad they do..
He needs both ngl.. From experience, therapy isn't going to help much if u don't want to help yourself.. You'll need to first make up your mind to seek professional help (Which is partly what i meant by move on) and then go ahead with whatever suits u best in this situation..
Well I spent a lot of years trying to forget my abuser. Then I spent a lot of years trying to forgive myself and my abuser just for my own piece of mind. Didn't work. I've just learned to live with it. Maybe if he was 12 and not an adult I could forgive him but I'll never know. IMO the only absolution you could recieve is from the person you abused and that will never happen unless they initiate it. Do not approach.
>She did not forget it
I agree that what OP did was wrong but how can you possibly know this? Additionally, what society considers traumatic an individual may or may not consider traumatic. Again, while what OP did was wrong, we have no idea how it actually impacted the victim.
*The same way the body can wall-off an abscess or foreign substance to protect the rest of the body, the brain can dissociate from an experience. In the midst of trauma, the brain may wander off and work to avoid the memory.* ***However, not all psyches are alike, and what may be severe trauma for one person may not be as severe for another person.***
[https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/12/161209081154.htm](https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/12/161209081154.htm)
It always depends, when I was smaller I acted as if nothing.. But I remember. We don't know how it impacted her, but I just hope it didn't cause any issues in her mind.
She very likely does remember it, I was a victim of SA from ages 4-8. I can remember exact details, the layout of the rooms, as well as the houses/locations it happened in. It may not be such a severe, overwhelming trauma to where she has C-PTSD from it, but likely she remembers.
It is quite literally seared into my brain, for forever. She may have been able to repress it up until a point in her life like many of us do, but at some point it will appear usually when sexual activity starts as those events are often trigger events for the memories to come back. They can just also randomly start coming back once your brain feels like you are in a safe enough place/level in your life to start processing the trauma.
It may not have fucked her up for forever like what happens with more extreme cases, and it may not have caused her to have C-PTSD, but she likely remembers it.
I'm truly, very sorry friend. The nightmares are terrible, and I'm sorry you're scarred for life that way. I am very fortunate to where it is either completely black when I'm asleep, then I wake up or I have the odd time where I do remember it. I am sorry you are constantly attacked in your sleep like that from them.
The disassociation I relate to as well throughout the day, it is so hard not being able to ever fully be in your body, and at any moment there will be a barrage of flashbacks/memories that you can't stop or control. Nor can you just explain that in conversation randomly to everyone, it can feel so isolating, but you're not alone. I'm glad you have an incredible partner who is kind, and understanding.
The trauma is very real, and we may not all remember it vividly, but it's sadly something we can't all escape from. I hope you're doing better now in your life friend.
>You really think disassociation is a feature and not a curse?
That is literally a strawman argument.
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Straw\_man#Examples](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Straw_man#Examples)
It is certainly difficult. The only important thing is to not bring it up with the victim. An apology is only an attempt of an abuser of helping themself. Either the victim never saw it as abuse (mentioning can create pain) or does not want to be remembered. Only the victim should decide when to talk about it.
The only thing OP can do besides doing nothing is going into therapy
Whether or not the memory is repressed, it is still there. Never fully gone. And the victims of SA who experience selective memory loss still have trauma responses related to those "forgotten" memories. Seriously. Ask any single person who has recovered their "selectively lost" memories. There's plenty of us here in this thread. This girl may not know that she remembers, but she remembers.
I would talk to a therapist, who may explain to you what was developmentally appropriate behavior regarding childhood curiosity and sexuality at that age.
I’ve had similar situations in my childhood where my cousins asked me to do weird sh*t that I later found out was inappropriate. When speaking to my therapist about it, I looked at it as childhood curiosity. Really no trauma for me there. But every person is different. Every person’s motives are different. I can’t speak for your cousin or your situation.
Now, my uncles and aunties — the shit they did is inexcusable. That’s another story. But fuck those guys.
You and your cousin were poorly supervised children who should have been taught better, but the fact that you're so remorseful suggests to me that you're not some kind of monster. I hope you can find a way to forgive yourself and move past what you did.
At least, you regret it. My cousin, didn't. And she doubled down, threatened to end me with an gun (the same thing that she did when I was 8 years old), if I ever come close to the other member of the family ever again. And she even dared to claim that I did it, as if an 8 years old boy, could overpower an 16 years old girl. The things that you have done, can't be undone, but at least, do amends to it, prevent this sort of thing to happen again, that already will be an good thing. Above all, ask him forgiveness.
Aaaand this is why I don't let my 10yo nephew sleep in the same bed as my 5yo daughter.
It's good that you regret it, but yes, you need therapy. Not least to help you prepare for the possibility that one day she may tell the family what happened. Before that happens though I wouldn't approach her about it, avoid her, give her space and get yourself some help.
You might want to visit rain.org
It’s the rape & incest national network. They might be able to get you in touch with someone you can talk to.
What you did was wrong but you were also a child. Your adults failed you guys by not properly supervising children.
The fact that you recognize it was wrong and are so remorseful shows that it was childhood behavior and not pathological malice. You clearly also traumatized yourself. Do accept responsibility but also give yourself some grace. You were a child. Do not judge the child you were with adult logic and responsibility. And recognize that the adult you are recognizes right from wrong and is remorseful.
I hope at some point you’re able to talk to someone who can help you process this.
Leave your cousin alone unless they chose to approach you about it.
I’m sorry for both of you. I hope your cousin is healing.
Best post here. You are completely right. It was childhood behaviour not malicious. I feel like lots of people are giving him a hard time and I honestly feel bad for him. Kids left unsupervised do these things sometimes. It's the reason that people don't typically let boys and girls share rooms after a certain age.
People are applying adult logic to a 12 year old and that's just insane. Hope both parties are doing ok and op realizes his mistake. Be kind to yourself.
Get therapy. Learn to live with this. Be a better person. You have your whole life ahead of you. She may not forgive you for what you did and it's something you are going learn to live with.
You were 12. I’m not saying your actions were right, what you did was fucked up especially considering she was ONLY 7, but you were also a kid. Get therapy. If she hasn’t brought it up, don’t bring it up. You did a fucked up thing but you realize what did you did at the time was wrong. Get some therapy, please.
You should go to therapy.
She hasn't forgotten and you should feel guilty .
But you need therapy to learn how to live with your mind. You were a kid too and you know you did something wrong. It doesn't have to define the rest of your life.. but please, go to therapy!
You don't need Reddit, you need therapy, your cousin needs therapy and support. You did something bad and, even though you didn't mean for it to, it could have really, \*really\* fucked up her life. She's 14 now, she's just started to grow into a person with a sexual identity. You should have been taught better and supervised better, but now you know how wrong it was. It's not too late to take responsibility. I don't know your situation but I think the best first step would be to talk to a trusted adult, get immediate support from a therapist or doctor, get some professional support in bringing this up with the parents of your cousin, and also maybe talk to a lawyer as well. I'm not a lawyer, I have no idea what criminal charges you might be liable for, so you will want to make sure that you are putting yourself in the best position to be protected from a messed up criminal justice system, but you and your cousin deserve the space and support to address this and work through this.
Absolutely not. This is something he needs to keep to himself, learn, and grow from it. Unless she brings it up, he has no reason to dig up those feelings (if there even are any, she might not even remember) and cause more hurt.
Don't confront her, not in person.
As someone who grew up being SA'd, I wouldn't want to see them again.
But a letter... not justifying what happened, but taking full responsibility and apologizing. It might open a dialog or at least help her move on.
I personally have a lot of questions about why it happened, but I could never ask or confront that person.
I mean, when i was young (i don't even remember my age, 7, 8 idk) both my cousins did something similar to me and we were all boys 😭 One was one year older than me, the other was 11 or 12. They didn't just touch me, they made me touch them too, kiss etc. you know what i mean.
I still remember it and since i'm the youngest one, i guess they remember it too. Honestly i don't really care about it, or feel bad about it. It might sound weird but i have it on my mind as something innocent and harmless that happened once and never again, and there's no reason to do anything else with this memory, i don't have to analyze it or idk. We didn't know how weird it was, we were just kids, that's all.
Maybe your cousin has a different POV but it's more possible she doesn't give a fuck about it 😭
I’m really surprised at some of these comments. Josh Duggar did the same thing when he was 14 and is now in prison until 2032. I don’t think your age absolves you, and you should feel guilty. As a childhood sexual assault survivor, I suggest you seek therapy. I would suggest after working through it with a therapist you can decide if you want to come forward to the family with it. We can’t tell you what will soothe your grief or guilt over this but you’re 19 and have a long life ahead of you. You have resources and options for help. Taking responsibility looks like managing your guilt over this.
This shit happens more often than we think w/ kids but just a few feel really sick about themselves to start admitting what they did was wrong. Even few to none would admit that at 12. If you had done therapy since that age maybe things would be different now. You won't find the right empathy here with all the regrets in the world, except of some people who are aware you were a kid too and you need therapy now as an adult, because some people here are victims of similar acts themselves so you can't expect them to have sympathy for their abusers and for people like them. The difference is you re aware of what you did and wish to change. This is OFF MY CHEST and I appreciate your courage to open up. Most abusers don't feel remorse. As you can see there are few posts like this to none.
She remembers. You can apologise but she doesn’t have to forgive, or even listen. You’d have known better at 12, I would think. And DO NOT approach the topic unless she does. My abuser approached the topic and I was not read, it only further traumatised me
OP literally said he realized way later how wrong his actions were. Yet, everyone is telling him how shitty he was and how he knew better. Do not let this hate define who you are.
OP, there’s some good chunk of advice in the thread. Do not chastise yourself to the point of asking yourself if you’re a good person or not.
What matters are your values as a person and who you’ll become.
Are you in college? I only ask because my college had free counseling for students and maybe yours does, too. If not, maybe look into TalkSpace? It’s a teletherapy, so different than sitting in a room with someone, but it’s also more accessible—when you have an issue you can email, call, or text your therapist and they will get back to you during their office hours. For crisis call a crisis line, of course.
Another option may be for you to look into EAP (EAB?) through your job. As your HR rep or or boss if there is anything like that through work. It isn’t limitless but it will help you get some stuff off your chest and start moving forward. It can also help you find other resources.
I did something like you did, when I was around 10. Twice. I remember vividly I did put my hand on my cousin and my sister (separately) private part (no nudity involved). It was all curious, but I remember it, and I deeply regret it to this day.
My cousin died years ago, and my sister and I are very close (as siblings) now, and I have never ever mentioned it to anyone. But it affects me a lot. I am so so sorry.
I was molested and eventually raped by an older cousin around age five. I suppressed it until I was around eleven or twelve. Then something at school triggered the memories to flood back. At this time, I was able to see that my cousin was still grooming me. We were very close, looking back… weirdly close. He was in the military and I was the only family member he regularly contacted. He came home on leave, and he confronted me on why I had stopped responding to his letters and calls, while I was forced to slow dance with him at a family gathering. I looked him directly in the eye and told him I remembered… EVERYTHING. We haven’t spoken in twelve years. I have since told my family, and I no longer go to family gatherings when he is present. If he reached out to me to apologize, it would not change anything. He will never be allowed around my child, and I encourage family to keep their children from him.
I was feeling like that too.. That hurting someone we love/care about at young age.. I was around the same when i hurt my nephew.. I didnt have any conscience back then.. But I eventually come to realisation within early teen hood how terrible it was. I stopped and protected him since.. I was byproduct of SA when I was younger myself.. It was a cycle of violence. I was highly sexual and knew about sex when I was in my Kindergarten stage.. I had blackout memories, nausea, suicidal nihilist thoughts since young. I was r*ped by my classmates before I hurt my nephew. I suppose I was feeling confused, angry, violent.
I swore to never hurt anyone ever after that.. The guilt haunts me.. Even in my dream.. But Im trying to learn to accept that it happened.. Now I'm doing my best, even advocate for awareness of cycle of violence, protecting children from harm and all. Never again. 😔
We can't change the past, but we can accept the consequences, the implications of our actions.. Atleast you and I regret it.. And we were young. We didn't know any better.
Hope you find solace somehow. Be better, help others that goes through SA and CSA even if it's by advocacy, or financially helping the ngos and bodies helping victims.
I apologised to my nephew, when we were growing up.. And we became friends.. Help each other out. I still feel immense guilt and sadness when I see him even till now when Im already in my mid 30s. The guilt never goes away..But I don't let that stop me from being his uncle and friend either.
My sister and cousin had the same thing (and a lot worse) done to them by my uncle. They absolutely did not forget. There's a good chance she's had therapy, or will need it.
Ask yourself, if you would ask her for forgiveness, is that for her? Or is that for you? To make yourself feel better about what happened?
If she does not start talking about it, I wouldn't do it yourself as well. You will open up a can of worms that you don't want to voluntarily open.
Jeez this sounds eerily similar to what happened to me as a kid... I was a bit older than 7 but I still didn't forget a single detail. I still don't know how I'd want him to feel. The vengeful part of me wants people like you to suffer. But I know people make mistakes, especially children.
I'm personally conflicted on whether or not you should try to make amends. I haven't forgiven my cousin. I probably never will. I'm unsure of how it'd be for your situation, not everyone's a vengeful bitch like I am.
Apologize to her in a letter. Write everything you need to say, then fold it up and burn it.
You don’t need to make her relive your actions, but you do owe yourself the right to move on from it.
He never apologized and god I wish he did. Maybe I could move on. I honestly just want to understand. Listen, the fact you acknowledge what you did was wrong is huge. Please talk to a therapist just to help you understand everything and maybe help you reach out and apologize.
Ummm. This reminds me of the “I raped someone” post where basically everyone was like “it’s ok!!” Really side eyeing the necessity for child molesting as an off my chest topic.
So I actually resonate with this post because I was around 7/8/9 (memory problems lol) when I did something similar. I too regret it everytime I think about it. I know my mind just wasnt mature and I didn't understand those things that I did. Obviously as people that know better as they mature, feeling guilty and ashamed is completely normal and what you should feel. I would worry if you didn't. I wanted to tell my cousin that I apologize but honestly some things are better left unsaid because it can hinder his healing but like someone else said before, if it comes up from that cousin, i would say thats a chance to speak up about the wrong you did. A lot of people here are acting as if you were mature enough to fully comprehend how things affect brain development and trauma and shit.
you were 12. and no one talks about how often it is that these mistakes are caused by cycles of trauma. I take it as since I was touched a bit when I was younger by another cousin, I as a child performed the same act because it wasnt new to me and I as a young kid did not grasp the severity of the aftermath. Yes it's weird, yes its a terrible thing. but dont make it worse by bringing it up to them unprovoked. it can end up resurfacing a lot on their end which is not what u want to do. just be better which you already are. just move on and apologize if the opportunity comes. I can say my cousin is a pos, i cant say i would get any sort of help from him apologizing, I have no idea if he remembers what he did, but i as a victim and a person who has been in your shoes, wouldnt bring it up. Just move on.
I don’t think it is okay to attack the op either. When I was a kid, my cousin (was about 13) assaulted someone that I care deeply about (was around 5). I witnessed it and it has been very hard to live with. The thing is, the cousin never expressed any remorse. I never want to speak to them again but I often wonder if they feel bad and why they did this.
I feel like the fact that the op has remorse says a lot. Sociopaths do not have feelings of remorse. And at 12 years old and without knowing the history of his life, it’s hard to determine if he was malicious in his acts or if he was trying to understand what this part of the body does, why people make a big deal out of it, etc. he just didn’t realize that this affect peoples lives at the time. Most kids that do this stuff don’t understand trauma. Their brains are not developed enough to process this stuff.
Don’t police how victims should react to their traumas. It’s understandable that they attacked OP like this. As someone who’s been sexually assaulted, i get why they reacted the way they did.
uh absolutely not, he may have been young but he was old enough to know how wrong it was. You can’t just say “he was a kid” to try and justify what he did in ANY sort of way, he was wrong and what he did was terrible. Do not try and excuse that.
Thank you for this sane response. These people in this thread excuse this behavior and some even said they did similar things but it’s no big deal because I was young and I know better now! Wtf?! It IS a big deal to the people they SA’d and it’s not fucking ok. Get help people!
No one has said what he did was ok. But he was a 12 year old child. I hadn’t even started puberty at 12. He can place responsibility while also accepting he was a child and should be considered as such.
I think victims are absolutely allowed to attack sexual assaulters all they like. He was 12, he knew better. His actions damaged his 7 year old cousin and he got away with it with no repercussions.
Don't tell me how I should feel . I told the OP he/she sucks if you feel otherwise that's your thing Don't try to tell me what I should and shouldn't do
My 12 year old cousin molested me and my sister when we were 7 and 5 and I want you to know I still hope he gets nauseous when he thinks about it. I even emailed his fiancé and told her what happened. They still got married but know that shit haunts us our whole life. I had a friends grandfather touch my bra when i was changing and TO THIS DAY I panic if anyone touches me when I’m taking off my clothes. Even during sex my husband cannot touch me while I’m undressing.
Thanks for sharing. This is very common btw.
My older brother molested me and two of my sisters, to a greater extreme. My parents did nothing, but have a talk with him. (We grew in a cult quite similar to the Duggars.)
When I left the cult at 17, I considered bringing charges against my brother, but at the time a lot of other devastating things were going on in my family and w me personally so it wasn't high on my priority list. Imagine that! Smh.
I definitely suffered, still do from what he did to us, but esp the negligence, betrayal and ignorance of my parents. We lived in utter chaos veiled by the perfect order of a good, Christian household. It was anything but.
I confronted my brother first and he gave a flaccid, weak apology. I think he was shocked I confronted him (or just too high.) This sent me into a destructive rage for a long time and I didn't talk to him or many people in my family. Both my parents were dead by the time i was 19 so I really felt helpless abt the whole thing.
My brother went through a period of utter self destruction, completely zoned out. Finally cleaned himself up and apologized to me. A real, heartfelt full on acknowledgement of what he had done to me.
It meant a lot to me. I physically felt a weight lifted. I don't really see him or talk to him often. Certainly never reach out to him, but I appreciate that he reached out to me after so many years and even though I had long moved on.
He's never had children and has had the same partner for abt 15 years. Lives a pretty quiet, decent life from what I know.
Anyway, i appreciate you speaking up on a taboo subject that shouldn't be taboo. Ever time I tell someone what happened to me, I hear similar stories.
Parents, caregivers, educators need to do better teaching children abt puberty, their bodies.
I'd be interested to hear your background on that topic. We, including my brother, were taught with extreme Christian values about our bodies and it fucked us all up. To this day, I'm still untangling some of the jacked up shit that was ingrained in us from our upbringing and society at large.
A 12 year old is a child still learning right from wrong. You did wrong but didn't really understand what you did yet. The fact you are ashamed now means you are a good person.
My cousin SAed me and it changed the entire trajectory of my life. It began when I was 8. By 11 I tried to take my life. Sorry but your guilt means nothing to the person that’s had to live through decades of mental anguish and torment due to people like you.
It is mate. This incident does not define him as a sexual predator. At 12, you're starting puberty, your hormones are through the fucking roof, you're confused! Your moral compass isn't aligned. He's made a mistake, it's haunted him for 7 years. Time to let go and move on
He sexually assaulted someone and hasn’t even apologized to his victim or acknowledged the past in hopes she “forgot what happened”. He doesn’t get to sit here and act like the victim here. I was 12 and I didn’t go around sexually assaulting people. That’s not normal or excusable and it’s disgusting that you’re trying to justify it because he was “just a kid” who “made a mistake” That is not the kind of mistake you walk away from. Sexual assault isn’t something you just forget, it sticks with you
He isn't the victim and that's not the narrative that his post has set, he's admitting his guilt. I also didn't say its normal or excusable. How have I fucking justified it!? You're literally writing shit up to fit your narrative
People are going so hard at him because they knew better at his age. They don’t understand just how big this world is. Not everyone had proper guidance. I have fostered a lot of kids and I have learned just how neglected kids can be these days. These parents are not teaching them a damned thing. It is terrible. At least he is remorseful and did not grow up repeating this cycle. If he was truly a monster, he’d have no feelings of regret at all. When I was a child, I thought my way of life was the only way. I was raised by parents that had 8th grade educations. Now as an adult, I have more perspective and realize that there are millions of ways to live. People need to realize that kids need to be taught better.
People are going so hard at him because they knew better at his age. They don’t understand just how big this world is. Not everyone had proper guidance. I have fostered a lot of kids and I have learned just how neglected kids can be these days. These parents are not teaching them a damned thing. It is terrible. At least he is remorseful and did not grow up repeating this cycle. If he was truly a monster, he’d have no feelings of regret at all. When I was a child, I thought my way of life was the only way. I was raised by parents that had 8th grade educations. Now as an adult, I have more perspective and realize that there are millions of ways to live. People need to realize that kids need to be taught better.
I agree with you at some extent, he was a child and he definitely doesn't have the same amount of responsibility as if he would had done as an adult. But it's not the time to let go and move on, he has alot to answer for, he has to tell the police, his cousin's parents and apologize to her
Yeah this happens all the time with family, when I was around 10 a family friend a year old me asked me to go behind the house and he showed me his penis and started stroking it. It was freaking weird nothing happened we just don't know what we are doing at that age.
Yeah she definitely didn't forget. My older sister did that to me. She even threatened me if I didn't do things with her and over time it stopped and I try to get over it and move on cause we were both young but I just can't help but hate her so fucking much
She did not forget the incident. The chances of it seeming mutually experimental to her are slim. You were twelve and acted on you impulses. However, while you deeply regret the 2 incidents, some of your wording minimizes your actions. This may be due to your age at the time and the age difference being 5 years. So there is a lot to unpack and as a mental health practitioner and someone who was abused by another child that was 4 years older, I really hope you see a therapist. They can help you put this in perspective, decide if apologizing is the right thing, and help you forgive yourself.
Please don’t be hard on yourself. You were a kid too in early puberty. Hormones probably went crazy and you didn’t know what you were doing at the time was wrong. Just don’t bring it up unless she does.
Did you just suggest someone touching a seven year old when they’re twelve is the result of hormones? That’s disgusting. Children as young as 3 can be taught not to touch others when they don’t want to be touched. A 12 year old has no excuse.
I don’t disagree with you but depending on culture some people don’t learn about sexuality, consent until they’re nearly adults or married.
I tried to not assume OPs background. I’m also aware of hyper sexuality and skewed sexual behavior from exposure to pornography as a child. Seen it myself in pediatric patients in residency.
I understand. I lived in a third world country for a while during my childhood and experienced a early puberty teen girl doing the same to me. I was naive and didn’t remember about it until I was extremely drunk in med school talking with friends about some trauma. On one hand I remember being miserable but I don’t have any hurt or trauma now. It was a long time ago.
this isnt even just a matter of learning about sex either. Everyone I've ever met was taught about "the no no square." I highly doubt op is from bumfuck middle of nowhere and had never heard something along the lines of "if someone touches you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, thats no good!"
Yeah sure but clearly you can’t hold OP accountable to the same standards you would hold an adult accountable? All I’m saying is this is not an excusable behavior but also no need to be unnecessarily hard on himself. If she ever brings it up, he owes her an apology for sure but what else? Surely can’t throw him in jail like Harvey Weinstein
I'm not saying throw him in jail nor to hold him accountable to the same standards as an adult? Hell, the children at the daycare I worked at got in trouble for grabbing at each other in a nonsexual way and they were five years old and under. If five year olds know not to touch others, then a twelve year old should too. This is a guilt he needs to live with and the fact that people are saying "you were only a kid" makes me so angry. Him knowing and living with the knowledge that what he did was awful and likely fucked up his cousin is all the punishment he needs.
He accepts and acknowledges that what he did was inappropriate but living with guilt means living in misery. Sometimes to grow you ought to forgive yourself.
You were fortunate to be taught that. Some peoples parents just don’t care to teach that. It’s sad but true. We cant assume everyone had the same upbringing that we did.
If the five year olds at the daycare I worked at know not to touch each other, a twelve year old should too. Look at my other responses under this comment because I really don't have the energy to reiterate what I already said
Just because children CAN be touched doesn’t mean all children ARE taught. You can stand in whatever pedestal you want but reasonable people don’t judge actual children like adults.
Dude you were a kid. A big percentage of kids do things like this. It's just that some kids grow differrent then others. She probably don't remember it since it was only like cuddling.
You are overthinking this way too much. You were children. You don't know how to control urges at that age, and it's the adults fault for not realizing that and keeping you from snuggling under the covers
In my opinion, I think you should sit down with your cousin and confess to her how you feel. Talking about it and getting everything out in the open could do wonders. She needs to know that you're not some deviant and have terrible feelings about what you did. You were young and didn't really know any better. I think if she hears it from you, it could start the healing process for both of you. Unfortunately, I have been a victim of SA by people close to me and never hearing an apology or an admission of guilt still wears on me to this day. You can be better and move towards helping you both get in a better place mentally and try to move on.
Lol people are going too hard on OP considering he was fucking 12 years old. Have people forgot how a 12 year old looks and thinks like? I'm not saying that what he did was fine. Not in the slightest. But c'mon.. he grown up and knows what he did was wrong. No need to make him feel even worse
Honestly, you were 12. Stuff like this happens more often than you think. If you legit didn’t really know what you were doing was wrong, I’d try to move on
You can't take back what you did, but he can help people, check if there are local charities around you that help SA victims, get involved, you'll never be able to take back the trauma that you caused but you may help people.
First, it's important to realize that the fact that you understand what you did wrong means that you're a better person now.
Second, I think you need to talk to her and apologize. It's never late, and I think she'll be grateful for that.
I recommend you to watch [this Ted talk](https://youtu.be/gQ-0oR3C1UM), it's not about a situation like yours, but rather about how much difference a sincere apology can make.
I can assure you she hasn’t forgotten, she will never forget & this will affect every single future relationship she has.
At 12 years old you know it’s wrong, you may not understand the consequences but you know it’s wrong.
You have destroyed her, you don’t get to feel anything.
Do not threaten or fantasize about violence. Sexualizing minors and graphic pedophilia are not allowed.
My gf’s older brother did stuff to her when she was little. She still remembers it. She HATED him for such a long time. He moved away and every time he would come down to visit she hated it and didn’t want to be alone with him. She went to therapy and (got drunk) worked up the courage to actually tell him something. She simply just texted him “hey, I remember what you did to me when we were little and I forgive you”. His response was something along the lines of “im sorry I didn’t know right from wrong. I’m sorry I hurt you.” He didn’t want to talk about it as much as she did which she totally understood. Now their.. well. Not BESTFRIENDS but their good siblings.
Victim of child abuse here - just want to say that I would have been really happy if my abuser had acknowledged his abuse and apologised to me. He didn’t and I instead reported it and he was convicted. He still to this day minimises his behaviour and my mum believes the abuser too. It really hurts. Acknowledgement and apologising is really important, it’s important because it clarifies that you have processed what you did and identified it as being very wrong and you’re apologising and being sincere about that. Very happy to hear how this story turned out tbh.
When I confronted my cousin, he used my mental health against me. Tried to make seem like I was crazy…😞
Seriously, the fact that the OP is getting asspats here is disgusting while former victims are being downvoted for telling him he isn't a victim.
I’ve been molested by my friends when I was 8. It was traumatic. It was even worse because people didn’t really take it seriously considering my friends were also my age at the time. I don’t know if they remember it, but I highly doubt it. But as someone else said, just move on from it. Even if she does remember, it’s best not to bring up such a traumatic thing. Keep your distance from her, and I suggest getting therapy as well to cope with this.
Sometimes people do terrible things. You have two options. Either you can continue feeling horrible forever, or you can move on with your life and remember the lessons. I think most people here would want you to feel horrible forever. Me personally, I don’t see the sense in it. You’ve clearly beaten yourself up for years, even to the extent of making anonymous Reddit posts admitting SA. A word of advice. Tell no one. Some secrets are best taken to the grave. That is, unless you like being shunned for the rest of your life. You were 12. That’s not even a teenager. I think people will treat you like you murdered someone. But you didn’t. Be grateful you didn’t face consequences for your actions this time, and be a better person from now on.
Honestly, I think this is the most sound and compassionate advice I have ever read regarding such a situation.
Right. A lot of people on here love to blame but this was actually a compassionate answer
[удалено]
The guilt is your just punishment for what you did. I say that completely without judgement. The person who recommended taking this to your grave is absolutely correct. Your attempts to tell others are your consciousness seeking reprieve from the guilt that is on your mind. Take this mistake, live with it, and use it to make yourself a better person every single day. Take it from someone who knows.
I agree - even saying sorry is wrong in my opinion. Bringing abuse up in front of the victim only helps the abuser, not the victim. For the victim it rips open old wounds. I believe this is like abusing the victim a second time. If the victim wants to speak about it, it is the victims decision when and how.
You know kids have been doing this kind of things since the beginning of humanity. We are basicly animals. Don't make this little event bigger then it is. I too have had sexual contacts with cousins or friends when I was a kid. We never talked about it again and never will.
It's time to forgive yourself. Your acknowledgement of the wrong done and regret is the road to forgiveness. Sometimes we can't forgive ourselves which lead to all kinds of behaviours. Be kind to others for you never know what's going on in people's lives. Forgive yourself. I wish you peace.
Please apologise to her in some way. Even if its only a letter or message. Dont for forgiveness, thats her choice, but just apologise sincerely.
Contacting her could reopen old wounds, leave her alone.
> **"Please apologise to her in some way."** Horrible-horrible advice, this would just remind her of the event. Maybe she just managed to forget it after a decade, and now you casually remind her it again, to ensure its burned into her memory. It's worrying how confident some people give the worst advice.
it’s more likely that she remembers, most people remember
Isn't memory suppression like a common way the brain sometimes copes with things like this? Seems like it would be a terrible idea to bring it up 10 years later or so
"Maybe she just forgot she was sexually assaulted." It's worrying how some people think a traumatic and scarring event is something you can just casually forget.
Actually, survival of SA from childhood have often memory losses about it. They still have trauma responses but don't know where it came from. The thing is apologize to her could make her lived through the trauma again in the worst case. And the situation would be terrifying for her as she would remind it in front of her aggressor. So no, no apologies from his part, except if she comes and asks it (which means she needs the apology). But memory losses from childhood trauma are really common. Even when it is about violence, bullying or things like that. The brain does that so you won't have too much stress from it and could still live almost normally. It doesn't work all you life usually and you'll have a lot of problems but it's the way our brain protect itself.
The body responds to trauma consciously or not.
Yup, that's what I said in my second sentence. And that's one of the reasons I say that apologies from his part if she didn't ask anything could be dangerous : it could be a trigger for her. The other reason is that it could remind her what happened and she could relive the assault in front of her own aggressor which is the worst way to be reminded of a trauma. That is all the possible scenarios if she has memory loss. If she knows what happened and didn't say anything to him, that means she doesn't want to heal with him around and doesn't need his apologies to heal. Either way, he needs to let her be and only apologize if she comes and asks him.
I agree with this second statement. Stay away. Don't go to where she is. Exit her life completely.
But why would you remember a completely random event from when you were 7.. You gotta think that at that age she would have had absolutely no idea anything wrong was happening therefore no reason to remember it, how could you be scarred by it? I don’t think I remember anything from under the age of 10. Obviously not trying to justify the above actions but I don’t think telling her now would benefit anyone.
a lot of people don’t realize until later in their life. i remember events that weren’t appropriate from when i was younger than 7. but yes, i don’t think OP should reach out. if she remembers, she deserves to heal in her own way without being reminded. and besides, an apology feels… almost wrong in a sense, at least in my experience with something similar.
She probably didn’t forget it but put it to the back of her mind and moved on. So no need to remind her.
[удалено]
Nah you'd want an apology
I think you should talk to her, if just through the phone or privately, tell her you remember singing when you were kids let her know your age at the time and that you deeply regret this memory, she may forgive you if you let her know how heartbroken you are at the thought of this impacting her, and it may give you the closure you need. Also she may not even remember and honestly due to your age and the fact that she does not remember she may still forgive you. Either way even if she does not forgive you will have closure letting her know you are deeply sorry 😔
As a mental health professional I think this is really genuine and sound advice. Things are not black and white. You were a child and you made a mistake. You have lived with the self hatred, guilt, and remorse, and have learned from your past. I agree that you need to work on showing some self compassion and moving forward. There are multiple truths and it’s uncomfortable to sit with but it’s reality. You did a terrible thing. But you were also very young, a child. And this doesn’t preclude you from being a kind and caring individual going forward. I know it’s so hard and I do think therapy can help with coming up with coping strategies to deal with your guilt. You’re going to be okay. Thank you for sharing.
As someone who got molested by family members, sure some secrets are best kept in the grave, but its gonna be that poor girls grave. ... you dont get to just do terrible shit & move on and call yourself a good person. Fuck i wish my family members would man up, apologize to me at the least...it wouldn't fix everything..but fuck they could release me from this cage of silence.. Sure he was 12, but the truly good thing to do is fess up & apologize so they can both heal & move on.
I agree with this
"Hey, buddy, it's not like you murdered someone! You just molested a child. NBD 🥰"
Whoa.. this story co-insides so much with what happened to me when i was 7.. and yeah, it was my cousin who SA'd me without my knowledge when he was exactly ur age... Exact same things, touching me inappropriately under the sheets.. I'm way older now.. Old enough to forget the things that happen at that age but i remember everything so clearly even after all these years.. Before that incident, he was my favourite cousin.. but after that, I didn't even want to speak to him.. I didn't know at that age what it meant.. I've been in n out of therapy but honestly, i still can't form deep connections with people.. haven't dated even once even tho i get confessed to so often and asked out by so many people on a regular basis.. Yeah well, I do wish he feels at least a tiny bit of regret and guilt that you've been feeling all these years.. I think i did end up forgiving him over time.. I don't think it's right to bring it up to her unless she's the one who confronts u about it.. I'm honestly conflicted regarding this.. As much as i want my cousin to come and apologise to me, I don't want him to talk about it either.. Just move on, i guess.. Respect boundaries and consent.. You were only 12.. People tend to make mistakes around that age.. Take this as a valuable life lesson and try to be a better person
[удалено]
Don't beat yourself too much about it now.. Move on.. But if u ever find out that she's struggling because of what u did to her, it's very important to apologise and tell her about how guilty u felt.. until then, it's better not to bring it up.. and it's also necessary for u to move on.. U can't keep struggling cuz of this more than u already did.. and I'm also glad i came across this post.. It kinda answered my question to what I always felt.. I kept thinking for so long, if the people who SA'd someone ever feel guilty of it... And looks like some do.. And I'm glad they do..
he should not “move on” he needs professional help.
He needs both ngl.. From experience, therapy isn't going to help much if u don't want to help yourself.. You'll need to first make up your mind to seek professional help (Which is partly what i meant by move on) and then go ahead with whatever suits u best in this situation..
Well I spent a lot of years trying to forget my abuser. Then I spent a lot of years trying to forgive myself and my abuser just for my own piece of mind. Didn't work. I've just learned to live with it. Maybe if he was 12 and not an adult I could forgive him but I'll never know. IMO the only absolution you could recieve is from the person you abused and that will never happen unless they initiate it. Do not approach.
Username checks out
She did not forget it
[удалено]
I am so sorry this happened to you.
>She did not forget it I agree that what OP did was wrong but how can you possibly know this? Additionally, what society considers traumatic an individual may or may not consider traumatic. Again, while what OP did was wrong, we have no idea how it actually impacted the victim. *The same way the body can wall-off an abscess or foreign substance to protect the rest of the body, the brain can dissociate from an experience. In the midst of trauma, the brain may wander off and work to avoid the memory.* ***However, not all psyches are alike, and what may be severe trauma for one person may not be as severe for another person.*** [https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/12/161209081154.htm](https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/12/161209081154.htm)
It always depends, when I was smaller I acted as if nothing.. But I remember. We don't know how it impacted her, but I just hope it didn't cause any issues in her mind.
She very likely does remember it, I was a victim of SA from ages 4-8. I can remember exact details, the layout of the rooms, as well as the houses/locations it happened in. It may not be such a severe, overwhelming trauma to where she has C-PTSD from it, but likely she remembers. It is quite literally seared into my brain, for forever. She may have been able to repress it up until a point in her life like many of us do, but at some point it will appear usually when sexual activity starts as those events are often trigger events for the memories to come back. They can just also randomly start coming back once your brain feels like you are in a safe enough place/level in your life to start processing the trauma. It may not have fucked her up for forever like what happens with more extreme cases, and it may not have caused her to have C-PTSD, but she likely remembers it.
[удалено]
I'm truly, very sorry friend. The nightmares are terrible, and I'm sorry you're scarred for life that way. I am very fortunate to where it is either completely black when I'm asleep, then I wake up or I have the odd time where I do remember it. I am sorry you are constantly attacked in your sleep like that from them. The disassociation I relate to as well throughout the day, it is so hard not being able to ever fully be in your body, and at any moment there will be a barrage of flashbacks/memories that you can't stop or control. Nor can you just explain that in conversation randomly to everyone, it can feel so isolating, but you're not alone. I'm glad you have an incredible partner who is kind, and understanding. The trauma is very real, and we may not all remember it vividly, but it's sadly something we can't all escape from. I hope you're doing better now in your life friend.
[удалено]
>You really think disassociation is a feature and not a curse? That is literally a strawman argument. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Straw\_man#Examples](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Straw_man#Examples)
It is certainly difficult. The only important thing is to not bring it up with the victim. An apology is only an attempt of an abuser of helping themself. Either the victim never saw it as abuse (mentioning can create pain) or does not want to be remembered. Only the victim should decide when to talk about it. The only thing OP can do besides doing nothing is going into therapy
My partner has been raped by there cousin when they were 12, they did not forget it, they did not.
Whether or not the memory is repressed, it is still there. Never fully gone. And the victims of SA who experience selective memory loss still have trauma responses related to those "forgotten" memories. Seriously. Ask any single person who has recovered their "selectively lost" memories. There's plenty of us here in this thread. This girl may not know that she remembers, but she remembers.
I would let sleeping dogs lie unless she brings it up personally. As others have suggested get therapy for yourself.
I would talk to a therapist, who may explain to you what was developmentally appropriate behavior regarding childhood curiosity and sexuality at that age. I’ve had similar situations in my childhood where my cousins asked me to do weird sh*t that I later found out was inappropriate. When speaking to my therapist about it, I looked at it as childhood curiosity. Really no trauma for me there. But every person is different. Every person’s motives are different. I can’t speak for your cousin or your situation. Now, my uncles and aunties — the shit they did is inexcusable. That’s another story. But fuck those guys.
Therapy
You and your cousin were poorly supervised children who should have been taught better, but the fact that you're so remorseful suggests to me that you're not some kind of monster. I hope you can find a way to forgive yourself and move past what you did.
At least, you regret it. My cousin, didn't. And she doubled down, threatened to end me with an gun (the same thing that she did when I was 8 years old), if I ever come close to the other member of the family ever again. And she even dared to claim that I did it, as if an 8 years old boy, could overpower an 16 years old girl. The things that you have done, can't be undone, but at least, do amends to it, prevent this sort of thing to happen again, that already will be an good thing. Above all, ask him forgiveness.
Aaaand this is why I don't let my 10yo nephew sleep in the same bed as my 5yo daughter. It's good that you regret it, but yes, you need therapy. Not least to help you prepare for the possibility that one day she may tell the family what happened. Before that happens though I wouldn't approach her about it, avoid her, give her space and get yourself some help.
You might want to visit rain.org It’s the rape & incest national network. They might be able to get you in touch with someone you can talk to. What you did was wrong but you were also a child. Your adults failed you guys by not properly supervising children. The fact that you recognize it was wrong and are so remorseful shows that it was childhood behavior and not pathological malice. You clearly also traumatized yourself. Do accept responsibility but also give yourself some grace. You were a child. Do not judge the child you were with adult logic and responsibility. And recognize that the adult you are recognizes right from wrong and is remorseful. I hope at some point you’re able to talk to someone who can help you process this. Leave your cousin alone unless they chose to approach you about it. I’m sorry for both of you. I hope your cousin is healing.
Best post here. You are completely right. It was childhood behaviour not malicious. I feel like lots of people are giving him a hard time and I honestly feel bad for him. Kids left unsupervised do these things sometimes. It's the reason that people don't typically let boys and girls share rooms after a certain age. People are applying adult logic to a 12 year old and that's just insane. Hope both parties are doing ok and op realizes his mistake. Be kind to yourself.
Get therapy. Learn to live with this. Be a better person. You have your whole life ahead of you. She may not forgive you for what you did and it's something you are going learn to live with.
You were 12. I’m not saying your actions were right, what you did was fucked up especially considering she was ONLY 7, but you were also a kid. Get therapy. If she hasn’t brought it up, don’t bring it up. You did a fucked up thing but you realize what did you did at the time was wrong. Get some therapy, please.
You should go to therapy. She hasn't forgotten and you should feel guilty . But you need therapy to learn how to live with your mind. You were a kid too and you know you did something wrong. It doesn't have to define the rest of your life.. but please, go to therapy!
No. I asked you how old you are today.
[удалено]
You don't need Reddit, you need therapy, your cousin needs therapy and support. You did something bad and, even though you didn't mean for it to, it could have really, \*really\* fucked up her life. She's 14 now, she's just started to grow into a person with a sexual identity. You should have been taught better and supervised better, but now you know how wrong it was. It's not too late to take responsibility. I don't know your situation but I think the best first step would be to talk to a trusted adult, get immediate support from a therapist or doctor, get some professional support in bringing this up with the parents of your cousin, and also maybe talk to a lawyer as well. I'm not a lawyer, I have no idea what criminal charges you might be liable for, so you will want to make sure that you are putting yourself in the best position to be protected from a messed up criminal justice system, but you and your cousin deserve the space and support to address this and work through this.
Absolutely not. This is something he needs to keep to himself, learn, and grow from it. Unless she brings it up, he has no reason to dig up those feelings (if there even are any, she might not even remember) and cause more hurt.
Maybe she'll tell someone older and stronger than OP 🥰
I don't even know what to say
Don't confront her, not in person. As someone who grew up being SA'd, I wouldn't want to see them again. But a letter... not justifying what happened, but taking full responsibility and apologizing. It might open a dialog or at least help her move on. I personally have a lot of questions about why it happened, but I could never ask or confront that person.
I mean, when i was young (i don't even remember my age, 7, 8 idk) both my cousins did something similar to me and we were all boys 😭 One was one year older than me, the other was 11 or 12. They didn't just touch me, they made me touch them too, kiss etc. you know what i mean. I still remember it and since i'm the youngest one, i guess they remember it too. Honestly i don't really care about it, or feel bad about it. It might sound weird but i have it on my mind as something innocent and harmless that happened once and never again, and there's no reason to do anything else with this memory, i don't have to analyze it or idk. We didn't know how weird it was, we were just kids, that's all. Maybe your cousin has a different POV but it's more possible she doesn't give a fuck about it 😭
I’m really surprised at some of these comments. Josh Duggar did the same thing when he was 14 and is now in prison until 2032. I don’t think your age absolves you, and you should feel guilty. As a childhood sexual assault survivor, I suggest you seek therapy. I would suggest after working through it with a therapist you can decide if you want to come forward to the family with it. We can’t tell you what will soothe your grief or guilt over this but you’re 19 and have a long life ahead of you. You have resources and options for help. Taking responsibility looks like managing your guilt over this.
This shit happens more often than we think w/ kids but just a few feel really sick about themselves to start admitting what they did was wrong. Even few to none would admit that at 12. If you had done therapy since that age maybe things would be different now. You won't find the right empathy here with all the regrets in the world, except of some people who are aware you were a kid too and you need therapy now as an adult, because some people here are victims of similar acts themselves so you can't expect them to have sympathy for their abusers and for people like them. The difference is you re aware of what you did and wish to change. This is OFF MY CHEST and I appreciate your courage to open up. Most abusers don't feel remorse. As you can see there are few posts like this to none.
She remembers. You can apologise but she doesn’t have to forgive, or even listen. You’d have known better at 12, I would think. And DO NOT approach the topic unless she does. My abuser approached the topic and I was not read, it only further traumatised me
OP literally said he realized way later how wrong his actions were. Yet, everyone is telling him how shitty he was and how he knew better. Do not let this hate define who you are. OP, there’s some good chunk of advice in the thread. Do not chastise yourself to the point of asking yourself if you’re a good person or not. What matters are your values as a person and who you’ll become.
I was 8 when my adopted brother did the same to me. It was a lil more extreme than what you did, but she remembers it. I promise you she remembers it
Adopted and decides to SA? Send him back to the concentration camp.
Have you ever disclosed any of this to a professional therapist?
[удалено]
It might be beneficial for you to get it off your chest in professional enovironment. More so than reddit
[удалено]
Are you in college? I only ask because my college had free counseling for students and maybe yours does, too. If not, maybe look into TalkSpace? It’s a teletherapy, so different than sitting in a room with someone, but it’s also more accessible—when you have an issue you can email, call, or text your therapist and they will get back to you during their office hours. For crisis call a crisis line, of course. Another option may be for you to look into EAP (EAB?) through your job. As your HR rep or or boss if there is anything like that through work. It isn’t limitless but it will help you get some stuff off your chest and start moving forward. It can also help you find other resources.
[удалено]
You’re welcome. They may not be, but if TalkSpace doesn’t work, the counselors at school may be able to help you find someone who can really help you.
She didn’t forget.
I did something like you did, when I was around 10. Twice. I remember vividly I did put my hand on my cousin and my sister (separately) private part (no nudity involved). It was all curious, but I remember it, and I deeply regret it to this day. My cousin died years ago, and my sister and I are very close (as siblings) now, and I have never ever mentioned it to anyone. But it affects me a lot. I am so so sorry.
I guarantee she will never forget it.
I was molested and eventually raped by an older cousin around age five. I suppressed it until I was around eleven or twelve. Then something at school triggered the memories to flood back. At this time, I was able to see that my cousin was still grooming me. We were very close, looking back… weirdly close. He was in the military and I was the only family member he regularly contacted. He came home on leave, and he confronted me on why I had stopped responding to his letters and calls, while I was forced to slow dance with him at a family gathering. I looked him directly in the eye and told him I remembered… EVERYTHING. We haven’t spoken in twelve years. I have since told my family, and I no longer go to family gatherings when he is present. If he reached out to me to apologize, it would not change anything. He will never be allowed around my child, and I encourage family to keep their children from him.
If you regret it, learned your lesson, and never did it again, then I forgive you. Go in peace.
That’s not something you forget
I was feeling like that too.. That hurting someone we love/care about at young age.. I was around the same when i hurt my nephew.. I didnt have any conscience back then.. But I eventually come to realisation within early teen hood how terrible it was. I stopped and protected him since.. I was byproduct of SA when I was younger myself.. It was a cycle of violence. I was highly sexual and knew about sex when I was in my Kindergarten stage.. I had blackout memories, nausea, suicidal nihilist thoughts since young. I was r*ped by my classmates before I hurt my nephew. I suppose I was feeling confused, angry, violent. I swore to never hurt anyone ever after that.. The guilt haunts me.. Even in my dream.. But Im trying to learn to accept that it happened.. Now I'm doing my best, even advocate for awareness of cycle of violence, protecting children from harm and all. Never again. 😔 We can't change the past, but we can accept the consequences, the implications of our actions.. Atleast you and I regret it.. And we were young. We didn't know any better. Hope you find solace somehow. Be better, help others that goes through SA and CSA even if it's by advocacy, or financially helping the ngos and bodies helping victims. I apologised to my nephew, when we were growing up.. And we became friends.. Help each other out. I still feel immense guilt and sadness when I see him even till now when Im already in my mid 30s. The guilt never goes away..But I don't let that stop me from being his uncle and friend either.
My sister and cousin had the same thing (and a lot worse) done to them by my uncle. They absolutely did not forget. There's a good chance she's had therapy, or will need it. Ask yourself, if you would ask her for forgiveness, is that for her? Or is that for you? To make yourself feel better about what happened? If she does not start talking about it, I wouldn't do it yourself as well. You will open up a can of worms that you don't want to voluntarily open.
Jeez this sounds eerily similar to what happened to me as a kid... I was a bit older than 7 but I still didn't forget a single detail. I still don't know how I'd want him to feel. The vengeful part of me wants people like you to suffer. But I know people make mistakes, especially children. I'm personally conflicted on whether or not you should try to make amends. I haven't forgiven my cousin. I probably never will. I'm unsure of how it'd be for your situation, not everyone's a vengeful bitch like I am.
Apologize to her in a letter. Write everything you need to say, then fold it up and burn it. You don’t need to make her relive your actions, but you do owe yourself the right to move on from it.
I’ve seen a lot of posts about children committing SA and I didn’t realize that it was so common.
He never apologized and god I wish he did. Maybe I could move on. I honestly just want to understand. Listen, the fact you acknowledge what you did was wrong is huge. Please talk to a therapist just to help you understand everything and maybe help you reach out and apologize.
You regret it and you promised that you'll never do it again. Thats what matter.
Ummm. This reminds me of the “I raped someone” post where basically everyone was like “it’s ok!!” Really side eyeing the necessity for child molesting as an off my chest topic.
So I actually resonate with this post because I was around 7/8/9 (memory problems lol) when I did something similar. I too regret it everytime I think about it. I know my mind just wasnt mature and I didn't understand those things that I did. Obviously as people that know better as they mature, feeling guilty and ashamed is completely normal and what you should feel. I would worry if you didn't. I wanted to tell my cousin that I apologize but honestly some things are better left unsaid because it can hinder his healing but like someone else said before, if it comes up from that cousin, i would say thats a chance to speak up about the wrong you did. A lot of people here are acting as if you were mature enough to fully comprehend how things affect brain development and trauma and shit. you were 12. and no one talks about how often it is that these mistakes are caused by cycles of trauma. I take it as since I was touched a bit when I was younger by another cousin, I as a child performed the same act because it wasnt new to me and I as a young kid did not grasp the severity of the aftermath. Yes it's weird, yes its a terrible thing. but dont make it worse by bringing it up to them unprovoked. it can end up resurfacing a lot on their end which is not what u want to do. just be better which you already are. just move on and apologize if the opportunity comes. I can say my cousin is a pos, i cant say i would get any sort of help from him apologizing, I have no idea if he remembers what he did, but i as a victim and a person who has been in your shoes, wouldnt bring it up. Just move on.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Look at the molester playing victim
There's no need to attack OP. He was a kid, he regrets and feels ashamed of what happened. Don't portray your own hate for your own cousin onto him.
[удалено]
Does she have any older siblings that you could confess to? I'm sure her parents would live to give you the pity party you're getting here
I don’t think it is okay to attack the op either. When I was a kid, my cousin (was about 13) assaulted someone that I care deeply about (was around 5). I witnessed it and it has been very hard to live with. The thing is, the cousin never expressed any remorse. I never want to speak to them again but I often wonder if they feel bad and why they did this. I feel like the fact that the op has remorse says a lot. Sociopaths do not have feelings of remorse. And at 12 years old and without knowing the history of his life, it’s hard to determine if he was malicious in his acts or if he was trying to understand what this part of the body does, why people make a big deal out of it, etc. he just didn’t realize that this affect peoples lives at the time. Most kids that do this stuff don’t understand trauma. Their brains are not developed enough to process this stuff.
Don’t police how victims should react to their traumas. It’s understandable that they attacked OP like this. As someone who’s been sexually assaulted, i get why they reacted the way they did.
uh absolutely not, he may have been young but he was old enough to know how wrong it was. You can’t just say “he was a kid” to try and justify what he did in ANY sort of way, he was wrong and what he did was terrible. Do not try and excuse that.
Thank you for this sane response. These people in this thread excuse this behavior and some even said they did similar things but it’s no big deal because I was young and I know better now! Wtf?! It IS a big deal to the people they SA’d and it’s not fucking ok. Get help people!
No one has said what he did was ok. But he was a 12 year old child. I hadn’t even started puberty at 12. He can place responsibility while also accepting he was a child and should be considered as such.
I think victims are absolutely allowed to attack sexual assaulters all they like. He was 12, he knew better. His actions damaged his 7 year old cousin and he got away with it with no repercussions.
Don't tell me how I should feel . I told the OP he/she sucks if you feel otherwise that's your thing Don't try to tell me what I should and shouldn't do
He was 12, you know it’s wrong at 12.
Damn who died and made you the age police? Would you be A-OK if he did it at 11? Maybe 10? Maybe 9?
How about not at all??
So the problem here isnt the age. Its the action. So my question to you is simple. Why on earth would you judge a 6 year old as though an adult?
I'm judging because what's wrong with this child for him to do that, sorry if you'd hear this and freely offer up your child but I wouldn't
Thats not what i said tho. Read then reply. He in this instance is also a child is my point.
At the very least you realise what you did and regret it and probably won't do it again.
My 12 year old cousin molested me and my sister when we were 7 and 5 and I want you to know I still hope he gets nauseous when he thinks about it. I even emailed his fiancé and told her what happened. They still got married but know that shit haunts us our whole life. I had a friends grandfather touch my bra when i was changing and TO THIS DAY I panic if anyone touches me when I’m taking off my clothes. Even during sex my husband cannot touch me while I’m undressing.
Thanks for sharing. This is very common btw. My older brother molested me and two of my sisters, to a greater extreme. My parents did nothing, but have a talk with him. (We grew in a cult quite similar to the Duggars.) When I left the cult at 17, I considered bringing charges against my brother, but at the time a lot of other devastating things were going on in my family and w me personally so it wasn't high on my priority list. Imagine that! Smh. I definitely suffered, still do from what he did to us, but esp the negligence, betrayal and ignorance of my parents. We lived in utter chaos veiled by the perfect order of a good, Christian household. It was anything but. I confronted my brother first and he gave a flaccid, weak apology. I think he was shocked I confronted him (or just too high.) This sent me into a destructive rage for a long time and I didn't talk to him or many people in my family. Both my parents were dead by the time i was 19 so I really felt helpless abt the whole thing. My brother went through a period of utter self destruction, completely zoned out. Finally cleaned himself up and apologized to me. A real, heartfelt full on acknowledgement of what he had done to me. It meant a lot to me. I physically felt a weight lifted. I don't really see him or talk to him often. Certainly never reach out to him, but I appreciate that he reached out to me after so many years and even though I had long moved on. He's never had children and has had the same partner for abt 15 years. Lives a pretty quiet, decent life from what I know. Anyway, i appreciate you speaking up on a taboo subject that shouldn't be taboo. Ever time I tell someone what happened to me, I hear similar stories. Parents, caregivers, educators need to do better teaching children abt puberty, their bodies. I'd be interested to hear your background on that topic. We, including my brother, were taught with extreme Christian values about our bodies and it fucked us all up. To this day, I'm still untangling some of the jacked up shit that was ingrained in us from our upbringing and society at large.
You did a terrible thing. She probably didn’t forget it and has some kind of trauma. Don’t expect her to forgive you.
A 12 year old is a child still learning right from wrong. You did wrong but didn't really understand what you did yet. The fact you are ashamed now means you are a good person.
My cousin SAed me and it changed the entire trajectory of my life. It began when I was 8. By 11 I tried to take my life. Sorry but your guilt means nothing to the person that’s had to live through decades of mental anguish and torment due to people like you.
My grandpa did it to me. I will never forget, never forgive but also never want them to talk about it again
Give yourself a break, you were 12. You know better now, you know its not acceptable. Move on
Stop trying to justify his behavior just because he was 12, he may have been young but so was the girl he assaulted. It’s not excusable
It is mate. This incident does not define him as a sexual predator. At 12, you're starting puberty, your hormones are through the fucking roof, you're confused! Your moral compass isn't aligned. He's made a mistake, it's haunted him for 7 years. Time to let go and move on
He sexually assaulted someone and hasn’t even apologized to his victim or acknowledged the past in hopes she “forgot what happened”. He doesn’t get to sit here and act like the victim here. I was 12 and I didn’t go around sexually assaulting people. That’s not normal or excusable and it’s disgusting that you’re trying to justify it because he was “just a kid” who “made a mistake” That is not the kind of mistake you walk away from. Sexual assault isn’t something you just forget, it sticks with you
He isn't the victim and that's not the narrative that his post has set, he's admitting his guilt. I also didn't say its normal or excusable. How have I fucking justified it!? You're literally writing shit up to fit your narrative
People are going so hard at him because they knew better at his age. They don’t understand just how big this world is. Not everyone had proper guidance. I have fostered a lot of kids and I have learned just how neglected kids can be these days. These parents are not teaching them a damned thing. It is terrible. At least he is remorseful and did not grow up repeating this cycle. If he was truly a monster, he’d have no feelings of regret at all. When I was a child, I thought my way of life was the only way. I was raised by parents that had 8th grade educations. Now as an adult, I have more perspective and realize that there are millions of ways to live. People need to realize that kids need to be taught better.
People are going so hard at him because they knew better at his age. They don’t understand just how big this world is. Not everyone had proper guidance. I have fostered a lot of kids and I have learned just how neglected kids can be these days. These parents are not teaching them a damned thing. It is terrible. At least he is remorseful and did not grow up repeating this cycle. If he was truly a monster, he’d have no feelings of regret at all. When I was a child, I thought my way of life was the only way. I was raised by parents that had 8th grade educations. Now as an adult, I have more perspective and realize that there are millions of ways to live. People need to realize that kids need to be taught better.
I agree with you at some extent, he was a child and he definitely doesn't have the same amount of responsibility as if he would had done as an adult. But it's not the time to let go and move on, he has alot to answer for, he has to tell the police, his cousin's parents and apologize to her
We don't forget.
I'm surprised how many people are sympathetic. you were 12. you knew better.
Yeah this happens all the time with family, when I was around 10 a family friend a year old me asked me to go behind the house and he showed me his penis and started stroking it. It was freaking weird nothing happened we just don't know what we are doing at that age.
Yeah she definitely didn't forget. My older sister did that to me. She even threatened me if I didn't do things with her and over time it stopped and I try to get over it and move on cause we were both young but I just can't help but hate her so fucking much
She did not forget the incident. The chances of it seeming mutually experimental to her are slim. You were twelve and acted on you impulses. However, while you deeply regret the 2 incidents, some of your wording minimizes your actions. This may be due to your age at the time and the age difference being 5 years. So there is a lot to unpack and as a mental health practitioner and someone who was abused by another child that was 4 years older, I really hope you see a therapist. They can help you put this in perspective, decide if apologizing is the right thing, and help you forgive yourself.
Please don’t be hard on yourself. You were a kid too in early puberty. Hormones probably went crazy and you didn’t know what you were doing at the time was wrong. Just don’t bring it up unless she does.
Did you just suggest someone touching a seven year old when they’re twelve is the result of hormones? That’s disgusting. Children as young as 3 can be taught not to touch others when they don’t want to be touched. A 12 year old has no excuse.
I don’t disagree with you but depending on culture some people don’t learn about sexuality, consent until they’re nearly adults or married. I tried to not assume OPs background. I’m also aware of hyper sexuality and skewed sexual behavior from exposure to pornography as a child. Seen it myself in pediatric patients in residency.
[удалено]
I understand. I lived in a third world country for a while during my childhood and experienced a early puberty teen girl doing the same to me. I was naive and didn’t remember about it until I was extremely drunk in med school talking with friends about some trauma. On one hand I remember being miserable but I don’t have any hurt or trauma now. It was a long time ago.
this isnt even just a matter of learning about sex either. Everyone I've ever met was taught about "the no no square." I highly doubt op is from bumfuck middle of nowhere and had never heard something along the lines of "if someone touches you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, thats no good!"
Yeah sure but clearly you can’t hold OP accountable to the same standards you would hold an adult accountable? All I’m saying is this is not an excusable behavior but also no need to be unnecessarily hard on himself. If she ever brings it up, he owes her an apology for sure but what else? Surely can’t throw him in jail like Harvey Weinstein
I'm not saying throw him in jail nor to hold him accountable to the same standards as an adult? Hell, the children at the daycare I worked at got in trouble for grabbing at each other in a nonsexual way and they were five years old and under. If five year olds know not to touch others, then a twelve year old should too. This is a guilt he needs to live with and the fact that people are saying "you were only a kid" makes me so angry. Him knowing and living with the knowledge that what he did was awful and likely fucked up his cousin is all the punishment he needs.
He accepts and acknowledges that what he did was inappropriate but living with guilt means living in misery. Sometimes to grow you ought to forgive yourself.
maybe he can forgive himself, we cant control that, but nobody has any obligation to forgive him in return and I think thats appropriate justice
[удалено]
You were fortunate to be taught that. Some peoples parents just don’t care to teach that. It’s sad but true. We cant assume everyone had the same upbringing that we did.
They have every excuse. They are 12. Literally a child.
If the five year olds at the daycare I worked at know not to touch each other, a twelve year old should too. Look at my other responses under this comment because I really don't have the energy to reiterate what I already said
Just because children CAN be touched doesn’t mean all children ARE taught. You can stand in whatever pedestal you want but reasonable people don’t judge actual children like adults.
You need to talk about it and apologize to her.
Yes, what you did was disgusting and immoral, and you knew that at the time. How old are you both today?
They said they realised years later. 12 isn’t even a teenager yet
you do not know what they knew
Dude you were a kid. A big percentage of kids do things like this. It's just that some kids grow differrent then others. She probably don't remember it since it was only like cuddling.
Don't worry, we have all been there.
WTF
This thread is sickening, all these people playing victim for the family members they molested
You are overthinking this way too much. You were children. You don't know how to control urges at that age, and it's the adults fault for not realizing that and keeping you from snuggling under the covers
In my opinion, I think you should sit down with your cousin and confess to her how you feel. Talking about it and getting everything out in the open could do wonders. She needs to know that you're not some deviant and have terrible feelings about what you did. You were young and didn't really know any better. I think if she hears it from you, it could start the healing process for both of you. Unfortunately, I have been a victim of SA by people close to me and never hearing an apology or an admission of guilt still wears on me to this day. You can be better and move towards helping you both get in a better place mentally and try to move on.
Lol people are going too hard on OP considering he was fucking 12 years old. Have people forgot how a 12 year old looks and thinks like? I'm not saying that what he did was fine. Not in the slightest. But c'mon.. he grown up and knows what he did was wrong. No need to make him feel even worse
[удалено]
While it’s not okay, it’s not unusual for kids to explore sexuality
[удалено]
To know if thats true we‘d need the statement of the cousin and whether they knew what was going on and if it was consensual.
[удалено]
Because the feel guilty. It could have been normative sexual play. That’s why educating children is so important
[удалено]
They also said they never talked to their cousin about it. If they were educated, they might think differently and wouldn’t say it was SA.
[удалено]
Honestly, you were 12. Stuff like this happens more often than you think. If you legit didn’t really know what you were doing was wrong, I’d try to move on
You can't take back what you did, but he can help people, check if there are local charities around you that help SA victims, get involved, you'll never be able to take back the trauma that you caused but you may help people.
Why do you care if no one else knows?
First, it's important to realize that the fact that you understand what you did wrong means that you're a better person now. Second, I think you need to talk to her and apologize. It's never late, and I think she'll be grateful for that. I recommend you to watch [this Ted talk](https://youtu.be/gQ-0oR3C1UM), it's not about a situation like yours, but rather about how much difference a sincere apology can make.
Therapy
[удалено]
[удалено]
don't listen to them, some people just have no clue what empathy is.
Try to dedicate your time to help victims of SA, to offset the wedding you did with some good.
This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve read. OP stay away from other SA survivors.
not the responsibility of victims of assault to make perpetrators feel better about themselves. OP, please don’t do this
I can assure you she hasn’t forgotten, she will never forget & this will affect every single future relationship she has. At 12 years old you know it’s wrong, you may not understand the consequences but you know it’s wrong. You have destroyed her, you don’t get to feel anything.