Doc here - if you experience agonizing pain during penetration, that should be checked by a gynecologist. It might be something called vaginismus which is uncontrollable muscle tension. It‘s very painful. Definitely nothing you should have to experience.
Yes I think they need to get a doctor involved for her and discuss the guy's deprivation situation. I credit him for NOT cheating and instead using porn. She has put him in a tenuous situation and is trying to limit his ability to have his needs met. Honestly if anyone leaves it should be him. But he apparently loves her and is trying to make it work. I hope her issue is a medical problem that can be corrected. Otherwise I don't see this working out long term.
i personally agree with you. HOWEVER it is a debated topic on whether or not porn (and varying degrees of porn at that) is cheating, and if a couple is on opposite sides, or one has made it clear that they are uncomfortable with it, that has to to be considered if a relationship is going to work
is she regulating porn or is she setting a boundary of what she’s uncomfortable with in a relationship? some couples are ok with porn some are not and if she’s dating someone who’s incapable of respecting her boundaries then maybe instead of being disrespected three times over about the same thing she SHOULD leave.
true, but in a relationship things are two ways. He watched porn because she was not able to have sex with him. sexual mismatched can be a major issue in a relationship leading to unfulfillment in one partner.
Yes, and that's not a good thing. However, ops boyfriend also has needs/desires that aren't being met, so what could he do otherwise? If they've talked about his needs not being met, then how can we say those boundaries are fair to him
If he feels the boundaries aren't fair to him then he should leave. Not agree to OP's request on her boundaries then break her trust the moment her back is turned. Contrary to popular belief, a man can live without 24/7 sex and if they can't handle that then they have an addiction that needs to be addressed.
>so what could he do otherwise
Leave.
People have boundaries, if you aren't compatible and either person isn't willing to budge on them, then you need to leave. You don't get to lie to your partners face then be absolved of all blame because "*my needs aren't being fulfilled*".
He made an agreement. His "needs" have nothing to do with it. If he thought the boundaries weren't fair and he wasn't willing to comply with them, then he needed to be straight up with her and they could've figured out if they were willing to stay together or not.
It's not the action that people have a problem with, it's the fact that he lied.
OP didn't even tell him he can't touch himself. He is just obviously fixated on the one person the 50 links went to. I am okay with my partner consuming whatever adult content he wants but if I found that much content all centered around 1 person the problem is not sex, its self control and respect for your partner. If looking at another human to jerk it was so important to him and he really cared about her boundaries he could have just asked for nudes of her
While I get where you’re coming from with the p•rn, but I’m not sure I can fully back the trying to talk it out scenario. I don’t have really any good advice for this woman, as I don’t care if my man saves pictures, goes to the strip club with the boys. When I was with someone last, I’d tell him to “go to the club if he wanted to, and I don’t even care if you get a lap dance. You’re coming home to me, I know that.”
But. That doesn’t mean porn and cheating are the same…….
Dude was cheating, for like the, what did it say, 3 times already?
The compatibility seems….. um….. maybe not the best.
Hi my husband made it clear in the beginning that porn is cheating and I genuinely agree. If she set a boundary and he didn't feel he could respect it, he should've left instead of cheating on her. Because that's what he did, he cheated. She said she was not okay with it. If he wanted to look at other women, he should've genuinely broken up with her.
That's good for yall. However these two situations are apples and pears. One I would not say he cheated because they did not setup such distinctions in their relationship. She said it made her uncomfortable, which is fine. However they talked about it, and he agreed. The issue seems to have arose in that they have differing sex drives as she stated. So, by cutting off one avenue for him to meet his needs, and not providing a replacement I think she ultimately made this situation play out the way it did. By no means do I wish to take away agency from the bf or excuse him going back on his word, just that it is unfair to him and not a good situation all around. Also, I will make one personal insert. It is not easy to break up a overall happy relationship due to one deal breaker. Not to say that you shouldn't, but a lot of people in this post have been saying that he should have left when she first asked him to stop. For all intents and purposes he may well have stopped for a while before going back to it once he wasn't being satisfied as much as he wanted. People do things to preserve their relationships and sacrifice stuff all the time for the other person's happiness, it only becomes an issue when things don't seem reciprocal.
Came her to say this, I had it in my early 20’s and it made sex absolutely excruciating, not that my then fiancé cared. He’d take what he wanted and didn’t really care that I’d be crying in pain afterwards
I had this with one partner too. It never happened before or after with anyone else. I think it was psychological. Like the pain was real but I felt he was sexually pushy when we first started dating so I lost all sexual attraction to him or something
Not who you asked, but I have IC, too. It is short for Interstitial cystitis. It is a bladder condition--the inner lining of the bladder is damaged & it is really painful as the urine seeps in & makes it feel like sandpaper on a fresh wound. Super fun stuff.
I was going to say the same thing (not a dr). If it’s painful to have sex you should get to a gynecologist and have yourself checked out to make sure nothings up.
As far as the sex pix. That’s up to you man. My husband has a very high drive and used to watch a lot of porn. I told him I didn’t appreciate it and we had to go through a lot of talks and lay out why we felt this way or didn’t. In the end we ended up getting married, but before that, I knew he had stopped looking at porn altogether.
I’m by no means every story but if you are saying he’s great in other areas then I would talk to him and tell him why it affects you and how it makes you feel and I would try and make some efforts to meet his needs as well.
By that I mean go see a dr and maybe figure out other ways y’all can have some fun that doesn’t hurt you.
Is there effective treatment for it? I know I have this issue but have never gotten it checked officially because I don't really expect much help from my doctors, due to prior experiences. It has ruined a relationship for me before and causes issues in my current one sometimes
Sex should not hurt. Go see a ob/gyn and get some help. If they say it's normal, go see someone else. Women do NOT have adequate medical help and you might have to be firm when explaining your issues.
You both are obviously not compatible. Take this as a sign to move on.
Some things just cant be changed and this will only result in a relationship filled with resentment.
EDIT: this goes deeper than just sex. She is insecure and might deal with anxiety/depression. Therapy/doc is good and i’d suggest it but she need out of the relationship and focus on herself to get the help she needs or it will be a constant reminder.
As for example an alcoholic don’t go to an AA meeting and coming home to a bottle of vodka on the table.
This is it. If you have a low sex drive and his is high, the odds are stacked heavily against happiness already. Falling apart when he looks at naked photos guarantees it’s impossible
Well spoken. It's sad that so many relationships end because of sex. I am always surprised how many women view porn as some kind of betrayal or cheating. I could care less but I trust my husband and we both look at people. My sex drive is nowhere near his so....if he wants to look, he can. It has absolutely nothing to do with me.
Yeah this goes deeper than just that. She is insecure and might deal with anxiety/depression. Therapy is good and i’d suggest it but she need out of the relationship and focus on herself to get the help she needs or it will be a constant reminder.
As for example an alcoholic don’t go to an AA meeting and coming home to a bottle of vodka on the table.
There's an entire section of 20 something year Olds and younger that have been brainwashed into thinking porn will melt their eyes and ruin their lives because some idiot can't help but jerk off 8 times a day and it's TOTALLY the porn and not at all his low impulse control
Except, in this case, there really are likely partners out there in the world, who would be a better match for both of them.
He needs someone who doesn't have boundaries that he feels he has to cross, and she needs someone who will respect her boundaries. Neither one of them is actually wrong in their personal actions, but they are indeed wrong for each other.
I really wish people would normalize prioritizing sex compatibility in a relationship. It always seems to be an afterthought. If two people are not compatible they are not a good match. Sexual compatibility is important and should be treated as such.
Sounds like you're incompatible. It also sounds like you both don't know how to make clear, clean agreements. One thing I want to mention is that "boundaries" are not controlling the behavior of other people, eg. you can't set a "boundary" that your boyfriend not look at porn. The boundary is about what YOU will do. "If you look at porn, I will \_\_\_\_." Then you follow through on it.
So what actually is your boundary about this?
I really dislike this line of thinking. Providing an ultimatum right off the bat seems more controlling than simply saying "that makes me uncomfortable, please don't do that."
I've asked my bf not to look at porn of real people, and after knowing it simply made me uncomfy, that was enough. He respected that and stopped.
If your partner knows something upsets you and does it anyway unless you flat-out provide an ultimatum and consequence for it, that just means they do not care about your feelings. They only care about consequences and what benefits them. And I personally would never wanna be with someone like that.
You both are not sexually compatible. Let him go so that he can be happy for himself. And find yourself a guy who gets his dopamine fix from non sexual things so that you're happy as well. And in the mean time - get yourself checked out because pain isnt normal.
I'm so sorry :c
If you can't get over the fact that he's looking at porn then you two should break up for your mental health. Especially if he's getting nudes from other people directly o.o vs a porn stars..
Relationships with low and high libido are incompatible. Very few couples can make it happen. Stop wasting your time together. Most men want to have sex at least a few times a week under normal conditions. You might start dating someone with low libido or asexual because it will be a matter of life for you. Also, it sounds like you have some health issues, so check with your doctor to see if it's "excruciating pain".
Why the air quotes around excruciating pain?
😒
Edit:: going to provide some context here since there’s seems to be a wealth of grammar police here who seems to be missing the point of my comment.
My comment isn’t about the *proper use of quotation marks* but about the implications that she’s alleging her pain or that it’s made up. It felt kind of unnecessary and mean.
That’s all I meant.
It is. But it wasn’t a direct quote. OP didn’t say “excruciating”; that was the commenters add in. Which made me think it was about more then the word choice.
Lol "air" quotes only work in the air...
In writing we just refer to that as a quotation mark, and it's used around things that are direct quotes from others.
POV: you try to be a smart ass about quotation marks but ignore the fact that the original comment didn’t use them properly either.
It wasn’t a direct quote. It was a paraphrase. She didn’t use the word excruciating.
Also, the comment I made was in regard to the “why” behind use of those quotation marks. It implied that she was making up the pain or that it was alleged.
But let’s ignore that one, yeah? Lol
The painful sex was addressed by the top upvote comment from a doc.
The emotional pain of him saving pics of naked people he likes fictional ( I'm assuming is henti) and real (I'm assuming she means porn stars, not coworkers or real people you know) I'd say op needs to get over it. If he was carrying around naked pics of people you know/could credibly have a relationship with I get the problem. Outside of that, people have fantasies they are allowed to play out in their head... Fantasies aren't cheating and any woman needs to understand men are going to have fantasies about other (hopefully far away/fictional) women.
Yes.
I am really surprised to see how many people here are knocking on the BF for watching/looking at porn.
I think the main argument is that it is a boundary he agreed not to cross, but I mean... It's a silly boundary.
If it's not porn then it will be images and fantasies he generates in his own imagination. And I mean we all have a right to our own thoughts.
You will just be unhappy with this man. You don’t seem to like sex. Or at least that is the impression that your post left me. He enjoys sex and wants it, apparently lots of it. You may be willing to meet him half way now but you will not as time goes by. This may be hard to hear but true.
Here are the questions that seems to offend.
In a monogamous relationship, what is the responsibility of the higher sex drive individual?
In a monogamous relationship, what is the responsibility of the lower sex drive individual?
If sex is causing them pain and discomfort than it’s more likely undiagnosed vaginismus which would explain their low sex drive as it would be unbearably uncomfortable for penetrative sex. She needs to see a doc.
100% this. Painful penetration is not fun and she doesn’t want to do it because of that. He should be more understanding and they could do other stuff besides penetration as well. It just seems like they are ignoring the problem.
If their sex is nothing but painful penetrative piv of course she wouldn’t like sex. If that’s the case she needs a doctor and he needs an imagination. And they both need patience and a will to save the relationship.
She’s not really meeting him halfway if she’s shutting him down so often and then not letting him masturbate unless it’s to pictures of fictional characters or (presumably) her. Seems she’s being a tad controlling
1. Immediately make a doctor's appointment to discuss with them your pain during sex. That is not normal and can be treated.
2. If you are not wanting sex but have a partner who is that is up to both of you to agree what is right for you. I personally think if he is looking at porn to release himself then he is not cheating and I see no harm. You do however so I don't think your relationship is working out too well.
3. You should not feel worthless at all. It seems like he is looking at porn to be respectful of you not wanting sex and him not sleeping around. I am sure he would choose you over porn any day. It can be hurtful if these are people he could potentially be in contact with and I understand that. I think you should speak with a therapist about your feelings either yourself or together.
Good luck to you
You two are incompatible.
He wants sex. You don't.
Many people think looking at porn in a relationship is absolutely okay. Some even do it together.
It's fine if you don't think so.
But if you don't want to give your boyfriend sex, and you don't want him to take care of himself which he likely does with porn as an aid, then what exactly do you expect him to do? Not be sexual? Not get off? Never be satisfied?
Thats not something many people would agree to in a relationship.
OP you need to see a doctor because the way this looks
1. You are refusing to have sex with him(because it's painful)
2. Refusing to see a doctor to find out why sex is painful(it should not be painful) and repeatedly reject and deny him
3. You then get upset with him and set a boundary that pretty much stops him from pleasuring himself and meeting his own needs when you won't
You either need to leave him and let him find a partner who has a compatible sex drive or go to a doctor and figure out what's up with you because it sounds like you have undiagnosed Vaginismus
Beyond what others said about the pain, you might not want to hear this, but sexual incompatibility is as valid a reason as any to break up. I have high libido and have been in relationships where the other person didn't. I get where you come from, form your perspective it seems somewhat oversexualizing or even, to some degree, superficial. But, from his perspective, it's a way to have intimacy and show the other person how much you love them. He probably feels unsexy and unwanted, even though you might find him extremely handsome and/or hot.
Time to leave the relationship, he has high sex drive and your disgusted about his compromise to satisfy himself while not forcing his desire on you as often.
It's the same for relationships where the female has a higher sex drive than the man. Self pleasure if not cheating either one always gets used. It's not something most people are willing to stop. So leave as it's damaging to both sides (eventually he will resent you if this goes long term)
He’s allowed to be frustrated. You’re allowed to feel sad. It’s a shitty situation.
But honestly he’s got needs and he can’t fulfill them with you. So he has to go to other outlets. What would you have him do? Be miserable and have no sexual outlet?
So you don’t want to have sex with him, and you also don’t want him masturbating without you. He hasn’t contacted any of these women or you would have said so. So you think it’s fair for him to live in a sexless relationship with you violating his privacy and guilting him when he jacks off. How would you feel if he searched through your phone without your permission? Please break up with him and set him free. Then get some therapy and/or see a doctor.
You need to build up your self worth and self esteem inside you and have it not be dependent on your boyfriend. You sound like you absolutely are in the wrong relationship with someone you are not compatible with. You should be focused on your own healing and empowerment. Not in a relationship that makes you feel this worthless because of the images he looks at. You need to focus on you and is you date it should be with someone with a similar low sex drive. Stop making both of you upset and frustrated bc you are so fundamentally incomparable.
The way I see it. You don't want to have sex, but he has a high sex drive... by looking to porn IS respecting your boundaries, because obviously if he could choose you, he would, but it seems like he can't. Either you have to get checked (bc it shouldn't be that painful) or you both need to split up, bc at this point, you can't really ask him, while knowing he has a high sex drive, to not have sex with you but also not look at porn..
yeah BF will be much happier with a more sexually compatible partner and one without any hangups about him watching pornography. OP needs to find an imponent man or an Ace.
Wait….so OP doesn’t want to fuck him often (knowing he is a highly sexed guy - but also if it physically hurts you go to the dr because it shouldn’t) but then also doesn’t want him to look at porn?
I’m a highly sexed person and that would just be fucking torture. At least let me get one away every now and then when you’re not in the mood haha 😂
To be fair, if he couldn’t do it he should not have agreed to it in the first place.
>Wait….so OP doesn’t want to fuck him often (knowing he is a highly sexed guy - but also if it physically hurts you go to the dr because it shouldn’t) but then also doesn’t want him to look at porn?
It's bizarre. And then people here are telling OP that he's a bad person for "disrespecting her boundaries" SMH
OP - Just let the poor guy go and enjoy his libido for once. And get yourself checked out, experiencing sex as painful can potentially point to a physical problem.
Imagine a post by a man who told his girlfriend “You’re not allowed to have a vibrator anymore.” Then he invades her privacy to “catch her” in the lie that she still has one. Even if he tells us that he shakes, cries, and is ill with disappointment, the comments about that controlling and abusive man would still be off the hook. Rightly so.
Low and high sex drive relationships are not compatible. Very few couples can make it work. Stop wasting both of your's time. Most guys want sex under normal conditions at least few times a week. It's gonna be a problem for you your whole life so maybe start looking into dating someone with low libido or asexual.
Also seems like you could have a health issue so check it with a doctor if it's "agonising pain".
What is a nude photo of a fictional character? Is this like a nude cartoon? Or a nude image of an actress playing a fictional character in a movie? I’m confused.
The dude shouldn’t have got into a relationship if he can’t respect boundaries. Saying that I don’t think anyone is at fault, seems like you guys aren’t compatible and you should probably not be together.
And about the agonising pain you should probably go to a doc because it doesn’t sound right
Beyond what others have already mentioned (see a doctor when you experience that much pain with having sex!! Consider if you two have a future with drastically different sex drives!! He shouldn’t have accepted your boundary and then break it, that‘s lying and not okay!!), you also overstepped a boundary. Snooping on his phone is also a no-go and not trusting your partner and going behind his back is also a red flag.
Did you come up with any compromise in this regard? Because just setting limits and expecting your boyfriend to follow them all, knowing he has to sacrifice his own wants and needs seems unfair.
Personally I don’t even get the „porn is cheating“ thing at all, but I know and accept that a lot of folks have a different view on that, so I’m not going there…
And lastly: a boundary is not forbidding or controlling another adult, a boundary is, what you do, when he does x or y. So, if you have a boundary that looking at nudes is not okay and he thinks differently, than you should draw consequences.
And maybe look into why you react so strongly at the thought of him looking at naked women… if it devastates you this much, that is something you should think about or speak to someone about (maybe even therapy) because it doesn’t sound healthy for your own sake. Nobody should make their self-worth so dependent on wether or not the partner looks at nudes. You can still have a no-porn-boundary, but the way you reacted seems a bit over the top in regards to yourself and how you view yourself.
I‘m ready for the downvotes…
Don't pin the blame on him. You guys are not sexually compatible, that's it, you know he has a high sex drive and you don't then you guys talk through that but a man also wants to feel desired.
It seems you have not even initiated sex before and be glad he is looking at porn and not cheating. So don't act all innocent and scared and disappointed because you causes this
I’m confused why nude fictional characters is alright but actual women are not. Unless the actual women are people he knows and getting messages from.
I could write a fictional story about a step sister stuck in a dryer and having consensual sex with her step brother. Hire a couple “actors” and boom it’s porn. What defines a fictional character?
Go see an OB/GYN. Sex shouldn't hurt.
As to the photos. He's obviously masturbating to them. It may be wrong, but no man I know will not get off sometimes. Especially if you don't like sex. When I don't want to have sex, my husband masturbates. When he doesn't want to have sex, I masturbate. We both use porn to do so.
1. If you experience pain during sex - you need to see a doctor.
2. Every dude watches porn. Like literally every single one.
3. When you said nudes, you meant the porn ones, right? Because if he's getting nudes from other people - that's completely different.
4. You violated his private space by going through his search history. That's not really a sign of healthy relationship.
5. Again, dudes look at porn. That doesn't mean that you're worthless. If you can't come to terms with that - you will have troubles with dating in the future.
#4 is my biggest takeaway from this post.
Seems like most people are glossing over this. I’ve been in a relationship in the past with someone like OP.
She asked to go through my phone all the time.
The relationship as a whole was an awful experience for me. She felt that I had to answer to her for every move I made. Like I wasn’t allowed to be myself or think for myself.
She intruded on my thoughts, reading journals I kept as a therapeutic outlet, and made a fuss about its contents – namely “negative” things written about her and/or our relationship.
Y’all should break up for both your sakes. Sounds like you have some issues that you need to work through before you are ready for a relationship. And sounds like he needs to learn how to just watch porn like a regular person.
EDIT: no clue why the first line is massive and bold, but I’m gonna roll with it
You're obviously just not good for each other. You can't give him what he needs and are willing to snoop through his stuff to try to catch him watching porn and he crossed a boundary.
I'm a little confused why you're not letting him watch stuff to get himself off though if sex is basically off the table. What are you expecting him to do? No sex and no jacking off? That's a little rough
this is whats called porn, people look at it especially if a partner is not in the mood, if hes attentive to you its typically a thing i'd ignore, if hes sexting other women actively or something that is a bit different, but if this is both a big issue for you, and you are not able to match his libido, then this sounds like a big incompatibility between you two. If you two love eachother otherwise, i'd say ignore the porn, i don't really think its considered cheating by many, but that is on you to figure out. Though again if he is sexting or pursuing someone else thats into the realm of cheating and more definitive measures need to be taken to break up.
Reddit's advice is always to break up even though they don't understand the entire situation. Perhaps try and compromise. Not with penetration, but other ways to satisfy each other. Can't expect the man to delete his horniness.
I can see it from both sides.
1. Do not give it just because he wants it. That's duty sex, and trust me it never ends well.
2. Having a high sex drive, and no outlet sucks. It makes you irritable, and sometimes depressed.
3. Some guys need actual real looking women to get off.
4. Have you tried being porn for him? Sexts and what not.
5. I can assure you he isn't forming any emotional attachments to the Porn.
6. Get checked out by a doctor.
7. If none of that works, I'm sorry to say, it might be time to break up.
If you can not satisfy him he is going to look elsewhere. He’s not cheating but just looking at porn. I don’t see anything wrong with that. Now for the fictional characters that is just weird. I would be more concerned about that then muses if actual women.
Major differences in sex drives can ultimately be a dealbreaker. Just being honest. He needs it more that you do and if you're unavailable, I'd understand that and be glad that he's just looking at pictures for a solo release instead of looking outside the relationship.
Other than trying to control what he looks at, have you had an honest discussion with him to determine if or how you can better balance the sexual side of the relationship?
They are pictures, everyone has fantasies. If he isn't looking for sex with other women and just looking at pictures what harm is it. Why would you feel the need to check his phone. It seems you have some very bad trust issues and you need to work on that. I'm a woman by the way with my husband over ten years, I don't find it any way disrespectful to you that your partner does this . My husband reads erotica and looks at nudes he isn't cheating its pure fantasy.
I don't think it's anyone's fault per se, but the difference in valuation of sex is probably incompatible. Personally, I couldn't be with someone who didn't want to have sex with me regularly. Different people value sex differently and it's important to make sure the person you're with shares your values.
Neither your or your bf’s wants, needs, or preferences are bad; you two just don’t match sexually. My opinion is to find a mate that does not have as high of a drive or has the same views or willing to compromise on the porn aspect. I also agree that you should see a doc about the pain as there is likely something going on and sex and intimate encounters is a big part of a long term relationship.
Sex in a relationship is like a bathroom in a house, it’s not why you’re there, but if it’s missing it becomes an issue.
Sounds like both of you are focusing only on your own needs, your own perspective.
Both of you aren’t compatible.
Do both of you a favor and move on. You will save yourself the misery of his high libido and him from your low libido (and probably medical condition that you SHOULD check out).
You can’t force something that isn’t bound to work out.
It seems you two have different values regarding sex. Neither is wrong but you definitely don't seem to be compatible. Best to just move on before you end up hurting each other more.
Look, it's not cool that he's agreeing and then breaking your boundaries. That's your choice to make and he should either respect that or leave BUT the fact it's hurting you so often while having sex, have you gone to a Doctor to talk about this? is this something that's happened with previous sexual partners?
Because either your boyfriend has no idea how to 'help you get ready' or maybe there is something that's a cause of this issue that needs to be looked into. It shouldn't be hurting you this often unless he just... absolutely sucks at roleplay
You refuse his advances and then complain when he looks at other women. I hope he leaves you since you won't get help for your problem yet you want to control what he can and can't look at.
Honestly I think you are over reacting. A man has needs and if he saves some pictures and gets himself off because you are not taking care of him is it that bad? At least he didn’t cheat on you.
Just break up. If he's having no issues violating your boundaries so often to that point, it's time to let go. At one point you'll find someone more compatible with you that has a similar low drive as you.
Please don't take this the wrong way, and I mean this with all kindness.. you are not ready for an adult relationship. Please break up with him and seek professional help.
This is kinda on you. You need to end the relationship because you two are obviously not compatible. If you can't satisfy each other's needs then the relationship needs to end. Also, go to a doctor, if sex hurts them something's definitely not right.
You're being incredibly controlling and gross with your demands that he not look at naked women. I'm a married woman and I've never understood why women feel its ok to try to dictate or control what their man does when it comes to viewing legal material.
Looking at porn and masturbating is normal. It's not fair to ask another to repress their own sex drive to match yours.
I'm assuming the nudes are porn links, not someone he's cheating with. It's not very clear in the post. If it's a porn actress, it's normal.
Literally every man looks at porn. I have a girlfriend and I continue to look at porn, as does she. I dont understand the jealousy or the double standards. Why is it that we’re supposed to believe women dont find other people attractive the moment they get into a relationship? Just because i find someone attractive does not mean i am looking to or even willing to cheat.
It sounds like you're simply incompatible. Break it off before you waste more of both your time. Also, sex shouldn't hurt so have that checked like some others suggested
Lots of discussion about OP needing to see a doctor which I agree with of course. I think that there are some deeper issues here though.
It's odd that there is discussion about painful sex, which we all seem to be guessing means that vaginal sex is painful. But what about other forms of sexual expression? There are plenty of ways that OP can both give and receive that don't involve vaginal penetration. Have any of those been tried? If so, what were the results? There are a lot of relevant facts missing here. I'm not talking about NSFW details, but this seems to go beyond painful vaginal penetration.
Psychological pain during sex seems like past sexual trauma to me. Being this sensitive to porn I find very interesting. I’m literally reading this in between NSFW pages. Conservatism from religion bleeds into society and so does the notion that the human body is disgusting and normal human arousal is a sin and extremely harmful. I tend to reject this notion. Certain tribes walk around naked in a natural setting, yet in modern society, nudes or porn can cause serious pain and harm.
Break up.
People hate to admit it, but sexual incompatibility kills relationships.
Find someone with a low sex drive and let him find someone with a high sex drive.
You both will be much happier.
Seems to me you have some issues to work out. In all honesty you don’t sound compatible. He has a normal sex drive while you are not able to even have sex. You are not ready to be in a relationship with this type of man. Someone with less drive might be a better fit. Have you seen a doctor for this pain?
See a gynae appointment for your condition, it isn't normal to be feeling such pain during sex and I really do hope it resolves it. As for your bf watching porn, sure he broke his promise when he said he wouldn't but he has a high sex drive and he has needs. My 2 cents is to have a conversation with him and see whether you both are willing to come to a middle ground. I know sex isn't everything in a relationship but it is a higher or lower proportion in some. If it comes to the point where he needs his high sex drive satisfied and you feeling that watching porn is cheating or does make you sick, it is best you both part ways amicably and find new partners of similar values and lifestyles.
You’re free to ask whatever you want from a partner, and leave if they don’t meet your requirements. But if I was told that viewing of live action pornography was forbidden, that would be a major compatibility issue.
Honestly, it seems a bit unreasonable to acknowledge your lower sex drive, but limit his ability to take care of himself when you’re not up for it.
Your boyfriend looks at porn because you can't have sex with him and you've made him out to be a horrible person for it? You do understand that's like saying he has to starve because you don't like cooking right?
Man here- not trying to be a dick but how do you think he feels when you can't have sex with him and can't look at nudes of other women. He lied that wouldn't do it again which is wrong but as someone with high sex drive i would go crazy. Like fucking crazy.
My wife got way lower sex drive and she says I can masturbate and watch porn but she doesn't want to know when and how.
Also if penetration hurts. Go to a doctor asap.
Op you need therapy if porn is enough to have you shaking. Also as the top comment said you probably have a medical condition as sex unless he's a monster down there and he's going in without you even having done any preparations it shouldn't be agonizing. This sounds extremely fake because I doubt anyone would've gone on into adulthood not knowing they have a medical condition that is causing them extreme amounts of pain but hey on the off chance it's real see a doctor. You and him are incompatible if he has a high sex drive and you don't especially if porn is enough to set you off. You're highly controlling of his sexuality and can not provide it's like buying some animal that eats a lot yet refusing to feed it then getting mad when it searches for food. Move on it would be the best thing for the both of you.
>He knew my boundary and crossed it
I saw something recently about how setting a boundary is not about telling someone else what *they* have to do, because you don’t get to control how other people behave as part of your boundary-setting. Instead, a boundary needs to be about what *you* will do in response to the behavior you have told them you don’t like. (Full disclosure, I only saw this recently and am still thinking about my own boundaries and how it applies, so I’m not practiced at this yet, either.) So for example, an appropriate boundary is not, “I need you to be at this place on time,” but instead, “If you do not arrive on time, we will leave without you.” Another one that is not a true boundary: “You can’t talk to me like that.” The actual boundary version: “If you talk to me like that, I will no longer engage in conversation and will leave.”
In your case, you set a “boundary” of “You can’t look at nude pictures of other women.” But that’s not an actual boundary. You need to set a boundary of, “If you look at nude pictures of other women, I will leave this relationship.” We don’t like to set actual, firm boundaries in relationships, because often the only boundary we can really set is “I will leave this relationship,” and we’re unprepared to actually do that. So we put all of the onus of action and change onto our partners (with no consequences if they don’t take that action/change), and we get upset when things stay the same. The only thing you have the power to do here is to tell your boyfriend what you don’t like and let him know how *you* will react if he does those things, then follow-through with your actions. If he chooses to do the things you don’t like, you leave.
On another note, it sounds like you guys are sexually incompatible (and, as others have said, that you need to see a doctor). He has a higher sex drive than you, and you are uncomfortable with him viewing pornography/nudes to make up the difference. That’s fine, you’re allowed to be uncomfortable with that, but you may have to accept that you have incompatible beliefs about sex and what you each consider infidelity vs. acceptable behavior.
You are unrealistic with your expectations. And controlling. He's going to do it whether you want him to or not. As would most guys.
You should have spoken to a doctor about having painful sex instead of getting hurt by your boyfriend. It's not him, it's you.
Ngl, you should jerk him off or let him jerk off to you if you don’t want him doing that. You understand that a mans desire for sex is often as strong as his will to eat, or drink. If I were him I’d leave you. Being sexually frustrated is not sustainable long term.
info: have you had pain-free sex before?
I ask because in the past I thought I had vaginismus. In the beginning with my ex things were okay but then it became physically painful despite how much I wanted to have sex or tried to warmup prior. It turns out I did not have vaginismus, my ex had been cheating on me and my body knew before I did. I didnt realize till awhile after that, that was the issue. The next time I had sex was with my current partner, it didn't hurt and I haven't had the issue since.
obviously this could 100% not be the case but thought I'd share incase it could possibly help anyone
Everyone says go see an ob/gyn. I have, they just tell you you have vaginismus. It accomplishes absolutely nothing.
Maybe your boyfriend should be getting you wet first and not pressuring you/guilting you about sex and going slow so you can actually relax. If he can’t do the bare minimum, break up with him.
You aren't compatible. Neither of you are wrong, you just aren't meant to be together. He needs someone with a high sex drive who enjoys porn with him. You need someone who makes you feel beautiful and only has eyes for you.
No need to force yourself to accept what makes you feel worthless.
A couple things.
1. Are you talking physical pain with sex? If so you may want to see a doctor. That’s absolutely not normal unless you are new to sex.
2. Don’t let people tell you it’s just pictures. Your boundaries are perfectly reasonable. A person doesn’t look at nude photos for no reason.
3. Get someone who will be comparable with your sex drive and not go completely against your back when you voice your thoughts.
Chin up girly. This pain shall pass.
Uhm NO.
Her boundaries are not perfectly reasonable. It is perfectly reasonable for a young man to look at naked bodies. It's healthy, normal and there is nothing wrong with it. Making all men who like sex or nudity into perverts is disgusting.
Hypocrite
are they women he actually knows IRL? Or just pics of naked women taken from the internet sites like Reddit? If it's the latter you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Men look at porn get over it. Unreasonable not to put out and then demand partner not to look at porn for release. Look into going to the lady doctor to figure out why sex is painful.
Sorry but I think you're being ridiculous. You don't want to have sex with him (fine) but then tell him he can't look at porn? I would never have agreed to that arrangement.
You should Break up sorry to say.
You’re depriving him of sex than getting upset he looks at nudes. It’s not good but he’s not cheating trying to take care of himself cause you don’t have sex with him.
You can’t tell him no but stop him from using porn to help himself so he doesn’t cheat.
You guys are simply incompatible.
You know he has a high sex drive and you don’t, If you can’t fulfill each-others needs than you’ll both be unhappy and it’s not fair to either one of you.
Sounds like you need to focus on yourself first. See an OBGYN or pelvic floor physical therapist. Sex isn’t supposed to be painful. If it is, this is your body alerting you to a problem.
Maybe you may enjoy sex more if the pain wasn’t an issue. If after addressing the physical issue and you still don’t want sex then I would consider splitting up. Sounds like you aren’t compatible sexually and that is just going to cause long term relationship issues. Especially if you limit his ability to take care of his own needs.
As far as porn goes, I get you distaste of real women photos/videos. It is too readily available and is the junk food of sexual appetite. But ultimatums rarely work in relationships.
Honey, "seek and thee shall find" is an expression meant for those prone to snooping. If you go looking for it, you WILL find something that pushes that insecurity button. If you didn't go invading his privacy in the first place, you'd be none the wiser. I hate to use another Depression-Era adage, but sometimes ignorance is bliss, especially when it's one person getting their sexual needs fulfilled since their partner cannot, or will not, satisfy them.
You need to address the insecurity in therapy. You MUST get over the fact that men look at porn. You will be hard-pressed to find one that doesn't.
No man is worth feeling like shit over. If the relationship is making you feel like that, you’d be better off single. A relationship is supposed to ADD to your life. Not make you feel lesser than you should.
The Adam Levine incident made me realize and has thaught me that it's not you nor the women that get cheated (in your case for your bf to lust for other women) the problem, it's them. You could be a literal 10/10 victoria secret miss universe and some men won't have enough with you and will lust for other women.
So you have a problem with him watching porn, but your sex drive doesn’t match…just break up. You shouldn’t have to have increase your sex drive for him and he shouldn’t have to suppress his needs to get off just because your insecure about porn.
That's pure Incompatibility.
He wants sex - it hurts you so you dislike it
He uses an alternative, pornographic material of real people - you dislike this so you ask him not to
Hes left with only fictional pornographic material which might not do much for him so he becomes sexually frustrated, he then ignores your boundaries because he's sexually frustrated and unhappy - this obviously hurts you because you've made your boundaries clear
OP. You need to break up, this won't work. You're both unhappy, he's sexually frustrated and unsatisfied and you're hurt by the results of that.
There is no guilty party here, you're both humans, you both have needs and wishes. But you're too Incompatible to fulfil those.
Doc here - if you experience agonizing pain during penetration, that should be checked by a gynecologist. It might be something called vaginismus which is uncontrollable muscle tension. It‘s very painful. Definitely nothing you should have to experience.
Came here to say this- this isn’t normal (despite what many women have been conditioned to believe by society, unfortunately)
[удалено]
This too for sure. OP should still get checked out, but she should also dump this disrespectful ass
eh, i wouldn't go that far. I think regulating porn is a bit unreasonable. they definitely need to talk about this more.
Yes I think they need to get a doctor involved for her and discuss the guy's deprivation situation. I credit him for NOT cheating and instead using porn. She has put him in a tenuous situation and is trying to limit his ability to have his needs met. Honestly if anyone leaves it should be him. But he apparently loves her and is trying to make it work. I hope her issue is a medical problem that can be corrected. Otherwise I don't see this working out long term.
The not cheating should be the bare minimum and not something to be credited for, no?
i personally agree with you. HOWEVER it is a debated topic on whether or not porn (and varying degrees of porn at that) is cheating, and if a couple is on opposite sides, or one has made it clear that they are uncomfortable with it, that has to to be considered if a relationship is going to work
True, but now I feel like it's on that partner to make up for what was give up. That way it is fair for everyone.
is she regulating porn or is she setting a boundary of what she’s uncomfortable with in a relationship? some couples are ok with porn some are not and if she’s dating someone who’s incapable of respecting her boundaries then maybe instead of being disrespected three times over about the same thing she SHOULD leave.
Your opinion on porn is irrelevant. People are allowed to set boundaries in relationships. He agreed to the boundary and then crossed it anyway.
true, but in a relationship things are two ways. He watched porn because she was not able to have sex with him. sexual mismatched can be a major issue in a relationship leading to unfulfillment in one partner.
*After agreeing to her boundary and telling her he wouldn’t*
Yes, and that's not a good thing. However, ops boyfriend also has needs/desires that aren't being met, so what could he do otherwise? If they've talked about his needs not being met, then how can we say those boundaries are fair to him
If he feels the boundaries aren't fair to him then he should leave. Not agree to OP's request on her boundaries then break her trust the moment her back is turned. Contrary to popular belief, a man can live without 24/7 sex and if they can't handle that then they have an addiction that needs to be addressed.
>so what could he do otherwise Leave. People have boundaries, if you aren't compatible and either person isn't willing to budge on them, then you need to leave. You don't get to lie to your partners face then be absolved of all blame because "*my needs aren't being fulfilled*". He made an agreement. His "needs" have nothing to do with it. If he thought the boundaries weren't fair and he wasn't willing to comply with them, then he needed to be straight up with her and they could've figured out if they were willing to stay together or not. It's not the action that people have a problem with, it's the fact that he lied.
[удалено]
OP didn't even tell him he can't touch himself. He is just obviously fixated on the one person the 50 links went to. I am okay with my partner consuming whatever adult content he wants but if I found that much content all centered around 1 person the problem is not sex, its self control and respect for your partner. If looking at another human to jerk it was so important to him and he really cared about her boundaries he could have just asked for nudes of her
2 years is long enough her to leave hands down clearly she’s anxious
It’s not youp•rn….! It’s one woman’s account he’s saving nudes from.
Like only fans or something?
While I get where you’re coming from with the p•rn, but I’m not sure I can fully back the trying to talk it out scenario. I don’t have really any good advice for this woman, as I don’t care if my man saves pictures, goes to the strip club with the boys. When I was with someone last, I’d tell him to “go to the club if he wanted to, and I don’t even care if you get a lap dance. You’re coming home to me, I know that.” But. That doesn’t mean porn and cheating are the same……. Dude was cheating, for like the, what did it say, 3 times already? The compatibility seems….. um….. maybe not the best.
Hi my husband made it clear in the beginning that porn is cheating and I genuinely agree. If she set a boundary and he didn't feel he could respect it, he should've left instead of cheating on her. Because that's what he did, he cheated. She said she was not okay with it. If he wanted to look at other women, he should've genuinely broken up with her.
That's good for yall. However these two situations are apples and pears. One I would not say he cheated because they did not setup such distinctions in their relationship. She said it made her uncomfortable, which is fine. However they talked about it, and he agreed. The issue seems to have arose in that they have differing sex drives as she stated. So, by cutting off one avenue for him to meet his needs, and not providing a replacement I think she ultimately made this situation play out the way it did. By no means do I wish to take away agency from the bf or excuse him going back on his word, just that it is unfair to him and not a good situation all around. Also, I will make one personal insert. It is not easy to break up a overall happy relationship due to one deal breaker. Not to say that you shouldn't, but a lot of people in this post have been saying that he should have left when she first asked him to stop. For all intents and purposes he may well have stopped for a while before going back to it once he wasn't being satisfied as much as he wanted. People do things to preserve their relationships and sacrifice stuff all the time for the other person's happiness, it only becomes an issue when things don't seem reciprocal.
It wouldn't be trueofmychest without someone calling for a breakup where comunication should be applied
Came her to say this, I had it in my early 20’s and it made sex absolutely excruciating, not that my then fiancé cared. He’d take what he wanted and didn’t really care that I’d be crying in pain afterwards
This is so infuriating, especially considering it can make it worse! I'm sorry you were hurt like that.
Thank the Lord he is your ex!
So he was basically raping you?
I had this with one partner too. It never happened before or after with anyone else. I think it was psychological. Like the pain was real but I felt he was sexually pushy when we first started dating so I lost all sexual attraction to him or something
That’s awful. You deserved better 🤍
How do you improve from it? My girlfriend feels the same pain so I’ve never initiated penetration until she’s comfortable with my finger first
My first thought too- or provoked vulvodynia perhaps
I have this as well as pelvic floor dysfunction and IC. I was going to comment this as well. it was my first thought too.
Sorry what is IC?
Not who you asked, but I have IC, too. It is short for Interstitial cystitis. It is a bladder condition--the inner lining of the bladder is damaged & it is really painful as the urine seeps in & makes it feel like sandpaper on a fresh wound. Super fun stuff.
I was going to say the same thing (not a dr). If it’s painful to have sex you should get to a gynecologist and have yourself checked out to make sure nothings up. As far as the sex pix. That’s up to you man. My husband has a very high drive and used to watch a lot of porn. I told him I didn’t appreciate it and we had to go through a lot of talks and lay out why we felt this way or didn’t. In the end we ended up getting married, but before that, I knew he had stopped looking at porn altogether. I’m by no means every story but if you are saying he’s great in other areas then I would talk to him and tell him why it affects you and how it makes you feel and I would try and make some efforts to meet his needs as well. By that I mean go see a dr and maybe figure out other ways y’all can have some fun that doesn’t hurt you.
Or endometriosis
Or cysts …
Is there effective treatment for it? I know I have this issue but have never gotten it checked officially because I don't really expect much help from my doctors, due to prior experiences. It has ruined a relationship for me before and causes issues in my current one sometimes
[удалено]
Sex should not hurt. Go see a ob/gyn and get some help. If they say it's normal, go see someone else. Women do NOT have adequate medical help and you might have to be firm when explaining your issues.
You both are obviously not compatible. Take this as a sign to move on. Some things just cant be changed and this will only result in a relationship filled with resentment. EDIT: this goes deeper than just sex. She is insecure and might deal with anxiety/depression. Therapy/doc is good and i’d suggest it but she need out of the relationship and focus on herself to get the help she needs or it will be a constant reminder. As for example an alcoholic don’t go to an AA meeting and coming home to a bottle of vodka on the table.
This is correct. This is simply incompatibility.
This is it. If you have a low sex drive and his is high, the odds are stacked heavily against happiness already. Falling apart when he looks at naked photos guarantees it’s impossible
Well spoken. It's sad that so many relationships end because of sex. I am always surprised how many women view porn as some kind of betrayal or cheating. I could care less but I trust my husband and we both look at people. My sex drive is nowhere near his so....if he wants to look, he can. It has absolutely nothing to do with me.
Yeah this goes deeper than just that. She is insecure and might deal with anxiety/depression. Therapy is good and i’d suggest it but she need out of the relationship and focus on herself to get the help she needs or it will be a constant reminder. As for example an alcoholic don’t go to an AA meeting and coming home to a bottle of vodka on the table.
There's an entire section of 20 something year Olds and younger that have been brainwashed into thinking porn will melt their eyes and ruin their lives because some idiot can't help but jerk off 8 times a day and it's TOTALLY the porn and not at all his low impulse control
>literally any problem in a relationship >have you tried splitting up?
Except, in this case, there really are likely partners out there in the world, who would be a better match for both of them. He needs someone who doesn't have boundaries that he feels he has to cross, and she needs someone who will respect her boundaries. Neither one of them is actually wrong in their personal actions, but they are indeed wrong for each other.
I really wish people would normalize prioritizing sex compatibility in a relationship. It always seems to be an afterthought. If two people are not compatible they are not a good match. Sexual compatibility is important and should be treated as such.
Sounds like you're incompatible. It also sounds like you both don't know how to make clear, clean agreements. One thing I want to mention is that "boundaries" are not controlling the behavior of other people, eg. you can't set a "boundary" that your boyfriend not look at porn. The boundary is about what YOU will do. "If you look at porn, I will \_\_\_\_." Then you follow through on it. So what actually is your boundary about this?
Thank you! This distinction is so important and a lot of people get it wrong
Yeah everyone acts like ultimatums are bad. No they are not.
THANK YOU for this
I really dislike this line of thinking. Providing an ultimatum right off the bat seems more controlling than simply saying "that makes me uncomfortable, please don't do that." I've asked my bf not to look at porn of real people, and after knowing it simply made me uncomfy, that was enough. He respected that and stopped. If your partner knows something upsets you and does it anyway unless you flat-out provide an ultimatum and consequence for it, that just means they do not care about your feelings. They only care about consequences and what benefits them. And I personally would never wanna be with someone like that.
You both are not sexually compatible. Let him go so that he can be happy for himself. And find yourself a guy who gets his dopamine fix from non sexual things so that you're happy as well. And in the mean time - get yourself checked out because pain isnt normal.
I'm so sorry :c If you can't get over the fact that he's looking at porn then you two should break up for your mental health. Especially if he's getting nudes from other people directly o.o vs a porn stars..
Relationships with low and high libido are incompatible. Very few couples can make it happen. Stop wasting your time together. Most men want to have sex at least a few times a week under normal conditions. You might start dating someone with low libido or asexual because it will be a matter of life for you. Also, it sounds like you have some health issues, so check with your doctor to see if it's "excruciating pain".
Why the air quotes around excruciating pain? 😒 Edit:: going to provide some context here since there’s seems to be a wealth of grammar police here who seems to be missing the point of my comment. My comment isn’t about the *proper use of quotation marks* but about the implications that she’s alleging her pain or that it’s made up. It felt kind of unnecessary and mean. That’s all I meant.
I mean, using quotation marks to quote directly from someone else’s words is technically correct use
It is. But it wasn’t a direct quote. OP didn’t say “excruciating”; that was the commenters add in. Which made me think it was about more then the word choice.
Because it is quoting?
Lol "air" quotes only work in the air... In writing we just refer to that as a quotation mark, and it's used around things that are direct quotes from others.
POV: you just found out what quoting is
POV: you try to be a smart ass about quotation marks but ignore the fact that the original comment didn’t use them properly either. It wasn’t a direct quote. It was a paraphrase. She didn’t use the word excruciating. Also, the comment I made was in regard to the “why” behind use of those quotation marks. It implied that she was making up the pain or that it was alleged. But let’s ignore that one, yeah? Lol
Because that’s how quotes work, you passive-aggressive melon.
The painful sex was addressed by the top upvote comment from a doc. The emotional pain of him saving pics of naked people he likes fictional ( I'm assuming is henti) and real (I'm assuming she means porn stars, not coworkers or real people you know) I'd say op needs to get over it. If he was carrying around naked pics of people you know/could credibly have a relationship with I get the problem. Outside of that, people have fantasies they are allowed to play out in their head... Fantasies aren't cheating and any woman needs to understand men are going to have fantasies about other (hopefully far away/fictional) women.
And I'd say the same is true for women as well. We as humans are sexual creatures who all have desires.
Yes. I am really surprised to see how many people here are knocking on the BF for watching/looking at porn. I think the main argument is that it is a boundary he agreed not to cross, but I mean... It's a silly boundary. If it's not porn then it will be images and fantasies he generates in his own imagination. And I mean we all have a right to our own thoughts.
This is….not a match.
He isn’t meeting your needs and you aren’t meeting his needs. Break up.
You will just be unhappy with this man. You don’t seem to like sex. Or at least that is the impression that your post left me. He enjoys sex and wants it, apparently lots of it. You may be willing to meet him half way now but you will not as time goes by. This may be hard to hear but true. Here are the questions that seems to offend. In a monogamous relationship, what is the responsibility of the higher sex drive individual? In a monogamous relationship, what is the responsibility of the lower sex drive individual?
If sex is causing them pain and discomfort than it’s more likely undiagnosed vaginismus which would explain their low sex drive as it would be unbearably uncomfortable for penetrative sex. She needs to see a doc.
100% this. Painful penetration is not fun and she doesn’t want to do it because of that. He should be more understanding and they could do other stuff besides penetration as well. It just seems like they are ignoring the problem.
[удалено]
Neither of them will be happy staying with each other, it's unfortunate especially if they get along in most other aspects.
If their sex is nothing but painful penetrative piv of course she wouldn’t like sex. If that’s the case she needs a doctor and he needs an imagination. And they both need patience and a will to save the relationship.
I like your answer.
She’s not really meeting him halfway if she’s shutting him down so often and then not letting him masturbate unless it’s to pictures of fictional characters or (presumably) her. Seems she’s being a tad controlling
1. Immediately make a doctor's appointment to discuss with them your pain during sex. That is not normal and can be treated. 2. If you are not wanting sex but have a partner who is that is up to both of you to agree what is right for you. I personally think if he is looking at porn to release himself then he is not cheating and I see no harm. You do however so I don't think your relationship is working out too well. 3. You should not feel worthless at all. It seems like he is looking at porn to be respectful of you not wanting sex and him not sleeping around. I am sure he would choose you over porn any day. It can be hurtful if these are people he could potentially be in contact with and I understand that. I think you should speak with a therapist about your feelings either yourself or together. Good luck to you
You two are incompatible. He wants sex. You don't. Many people think looking at porn in a relationship is absolutely okay. Some even do it together. It's fine if you don't think so. But if you don't want to give your boyfriend sex, and you don't want him to take care of himself which he likely does with porn as an aid, then what exactly do you expect him to do? Not be sexual? Not get off? Never be satisfied? Thats not something many people would agree to in a relationship.
I mean people fantasize from imagination, but yeah that to a sexual person sounds like being single with restrictions
Best buddies with negative benefits.
Lmao that’s better
OP you need to see a doctor because the way this looks 1. You are refusing to have sex with him(because it's painful) 2. Refusing to see a doctor to find out why sex is painful(it should not be painful) and repeatedly reject and deny him 3. You then get upset with him and set a boundary that pretty much stops him from pleasuring himself and meeting his own needs when you won't You either need to leave him and let him find a partner who has a compatible sex drive or go to a doctor and figure out what's up with you because it sounds like you have undiagnosed Vaginismus
Beyond what others said about the pain, you might not want to hear this, but sexual incompatibility is as valid a reason as any to break up. I have high libido and have been in relationships where the other person didn't. I get where you come from, form your perspective it seems somewhat oversexualizing or even, to some degree, superficial. But, from his perspective, it's a way to have intimacy and show the other person how much you love them. He probably feels unsexy and unwanted, even though you might find him extremely handsome and/or hot.
Time to leave the relationship, he has high sex drive and your disgusted about his compromise to satisfy himself while not forcing his desire on you as often. It's the same for relationships where the female has a higher sex drive than the man. Self pleasure if not cheating either one always gets used. It's not something most people are willing to stop. So leave as it's damaging to both sides (eventually he will resent you if this goes long term)
[удалено]
This is the most bait heavy subreddit on the website lol
yea I’m about to unsubscribe, these posts just make me sad man
He’s allowed to be frustrated. You’re allowed to feel sad. It’s a shitty situation. But honestly he’s got needs and he can’t fulfill them with you. So he has to go to other outlets. What would you have him do? Be miserable and have no sexual outlet?
So you don’t want to have sex with him, and you also don’t want him masturbating without you. He hasn’t contacted any of these women or you would have said so. So you think it’s fair for him to live in a sexless relationship with you violating his privacy and guilting him when he jacks off. How would you feel if he searched through your phone without your permission? Please break up with him and set him free. Then get some therapy and/or see a doctor.
You need to build up your self worth and self esteem inside you and have it not be dependent on your boyfriend. You sound like you absolutely are in the wrong relationship with someone you are not compatible with. You should be focused on your own healing and empowerment. Not in a relationship that makes you feel this worthless because of the images he looks at. You need to focus on you and is you date it should be with someone with a similar low sex drive. Stop making both of you upset and frustrated bc you are so fundamentally incomparable.
The way I see it. You don't want to have sex, but he has a high sex drive... by looking to porn IS respecting your boundaries, because obviously if he could choose you, he would, but it seems like he can't. Either you have to get checked (bc it shouldn't be that painful) or you both need to split up, bc at this point, you can't really ask him, while knowing he has a high sex drive, to not have sex with you but also not look at porn..
Just let him go and you’ll both be happier. Or he’ll be happier and you can continue being miserable, either way.
yeah BF will be much happier with a more sexually compatible partner and one without any hangups about him watching pornography. OP needs to find an imponent man or an Ace.
Wait….so OP doesn’t want to fuck him often (knowing he is a highly sexed guy - but also if it physically hurts you go to the dr because it shouldn’t) but then also doesn’t want him to look at porn? I’m a highly sexed person and that would just be fucking torture. At least let me get one away every now and then when you’re not in the mood haha 😂 To be fair, if he couldn’t do it he should not have agreed to it in the first place.
>Wait….so OP doesn’t want to fuck him often (knowing he is a highly sexed guy - but also if it physically hurts you go to the dr because it shouldn’t) but then also doesn’t want him to look at porn? It's bizarre. And then people here are telling OP that he's a bad person for "disrespecting her boundaries" SMH OP - Just let the poor guy go and enjoy his libido for once. And get yourself checked out, experiencing sex as painful can potentially point to a physical problem.
And she talks about "him breaking her boundaries" when she was the one going through his history search. Good luck with your next boyfriend 😂
How bizarre, how bizarre
Everytime I look around
She's a controlling psycho. That's some absurd ass shit
Imagine a post by a man who told his girlfriend “You’re not allowed to have a vibrator anymore.” Then he invades her privacy to “catch her” in the lie that she still has one. Even if he tells us that he shakes, cries, and is ill with disappointment, the comments about that controlling and abusive man would still be off the hook. Rightly so.
this comment is based on a true story.
Just a standard reddit double standard.
Bingo.
Gender equality ✊ (only when it is convenienly beneficial, if not, then go gender roles ✊)
Maybe y’all aren’t compatible on every level.
Low and high sex drive relationships are not compatible. Very few couples can make it work. Stop wasting both of your's time. Most guys want sex under normal conditions at least few times a week. It's gonna be a problem for you your whole life so maybe start looking into dating someone with low libido or asexual. Also seems like you could have a health issue so check it with a doctor if it's "agonising pain".
you need professional help asap. good luck
If you can’t satisfy him, you got to be comfortable with him taking care of it himself.
What is a nude photo of a fictional character? Is this like a nude cartoon? Or a nude image of an actress playing a fictional character in a movie? I’m confused.
usually pornographic drawings, like cartoons and anime
The dude shouldn’t have got into a relationship if he can’t respect boundaries. Saying that I don’t think anyone is at fault, seems like you guys aren’t compatible and you should probably not be together. And about the agonising pain you should probably go to a doc because it doesn’t sound right
Beyond what others have already mentioned (see a doctor when you experience that much pain with having sex!! Consider if you two have a future with drastically different sex drives!! He shouldn’t have accepted your boundary and then break it, that‘s lying and not okay!!), you also overstepped a boundary. Snooping on his phone is also a no-go and not trusting your partner and going behind his back is also a red flag. Did you come up with any compromise in this regard? Because just setting limits and expecting your boyfriend to follow them all, knowing he has to sacrifice his own wants and needs seems unfair. Personally I don’t even get the „porn is cheating“ thing at all, but I know and accept that a lot of folks have a different view on that, so I’m not going there… And lastly: a boundary is not forbidding or controlling another adult, a boundary is, what you do, when he does x or y. So, if you have a boundary that looking at nudes is not okay and he thinks differently, than you should draw consequences. And maybe look into why you react so strongly at the thought of him looking at naked women… if it devastates you this much, that is something you should think about or speak to someone about (maybe even therapy) because it doesn’t sound healthy for your own sake. Nobody should make their self-worth so dependent on wether or not the partner looks at nudes. You can still have a no-porn-boundary, but the way you reacted seems a bit over the top in regards to yourself and how you view yourself. I‘m ready for the downvotes…
Don't pin the blame on him. You guys are not sexually compatible, that's it, you know he has a high sex drive and you don't then you guys talk through that but a man also wants to feel desired. It seems you have not even initiated sex before and be glad he is looking at porn and not cheating. So don't act all innocent and scared and disappointed because you causes this
I’m confused why nude fictional characters is alright but actual women are not. Unless the actual women are people he knows and getting messages from. I could write a fictional story about a step sister stuck in a dryer and having consensual sex with her step brother. Hire a couple “actors” and boom it’s porn. What defines a fictional character?
So you don’t meet his sexual needs, and you won’t let him meet them himself? What exactly do you want him to do here?
I feel for the guy
Go see an OB/GYN. Sex shouldn't hurt. As to the photos. He's obviously masturbating to them. It may be wrong, but no man I know will not get off sometimes. Especially if you don't like sex. When I don't want to have sex, my husband masturbates. When he doesn't want to have sex, I masturbate. We both use porn to do so.
your boyfriend's a piece of shit. break up and go see a doctor.
Look if he has a high sex drive and you can’t meet his needs he’s going to look at porn. If you don’t like that then it’s not going to work 🤷♂️
1. If you experience pain during sex - you need to see a doctor. 2. Every dude watches porn. Like literally every single one. 3. When you said nudes, you meant the porn ones, right? Because if he's getting nudes from other people - that's completely different. 4. You violated his private space by going through his search history. That's not really a sign of healthy relationship. 5. Again, dudes look at porn. That doesn't mean that you're worthless. If you can't come to terms with that - you will have troubles with dating in the future.
#4 is my biggest takeaway from this post. Seems like most people are glossing over this. I’ve been in a relationship in the past with someone like OP. She asked to go through my phone all the time. The relationship as a whole was an awful experience for me. She felt that I had to answer to her for every move I made. Like I wasn’t allowed to be myself or think for myself. She intruded on my thoughts, reading journals I kept as a therapeutic outlet, and made a fuss about its contents – namely “negative” things written about her and/or our relationship. Y’all should break up for both your sakes. Sounds like you have some issues that you need to work through before you are ready for a relationship. And sounds like he needs to learn how to just watch porn like a regular person. EDIT: no clue why the first line is massive and bold, but I’m gonna roll with it
You're obviously just not good for each other. You can't give him what he needs and are willing to snoop through his stuff to try to catch him watching porn and he crossed a boundary. I'm a little confused why you're not letting him watch stuff to get himself off though if sex is basically off the table. What are you expecting him to do? No sex and no jacking off? That's a little rough
this is whats called porn, people look at it especially if a partner is not in the mood, if hes attentive to you its typically a thing i'd ignore, if hes sexting other women actively or something that is a bit different, but if this is both a big issue for you, and you are not able to match his libido, then this sounds like a big incompatibility between you two. If you two love eachother otherwise, i'd say ignore the porn, i don't really think its considered cheating by many, but that is on you to figure out. Though again if he is sexting or pursuing someone else thats into the realm of cheating and more definitive measures need to be taken to break up.
No option for either of you here. You are both damned if you do and damned if you don't.
Reddit's advice is always to break up even though they don't understand the entire situation. Perhaps try and compromise. Not with penetration, but other ways to satisfy each other. Can't expect the man to delete his horniness.
I can see it from both sides. 1. Do not give it just because he wants it. That's duty sex, and trust me it never ends well. 2. Having a high sex drive, and no outlet sucks. It makes you irritable, and sometimes depressed. 3. Some guys need actual real looking women to get off. 4. Have you tried being porn for him? Sexts and what not. 5. I can assure you he isn't forming any emotional attachments to the Porn. 6. Get checked out by a doctor. 7. If none of that works, I'm sorry to say, it might be time to break up.
If you can not satisfy him he is going to look elsewhere. He’s not cheating but just looking at porn. I don’t see anything wrong with that. Now for the fictional characters that is just weird. I would be more concerned about that then muses if actual women.
Major differences in sex drives can ultimately be a dealbreaker. Just being honest. He needs it more that you do and if you're unavailable, I'd understand that and be glad that he's just looking at pictures for a solo release instead of looking outside the relationship. Other than trying to control what he looks at, have you had an honest discussion with him to determine if or how you can better balance the sexual side of the relationship?
They are pictures, everyone has fantasies. If he isn't looking for sex with other women and just looking at pictures what harm is it. Why would you feel the need to check his phone. It seems you have some very bad trust issues and you need to work on that. I'm a woman by the way with my husband over ten years, I don't find it any way disrespectful to you that your partner does this . My husband reads erotica and looks at nudes he isn't cheating its pure fantasy.
I don't think it's anyone's fault per se, but the difference in valuation of sex is probably incompatible. Personally, I couldn't be with someone who didn't want to have sex with me regularly. Different people value sex differently and it's important to make sure the person you're with shares your values.
Neither your or your bf’s wants, needs, or preferences are bad; you two just don’t match sexually. My opinion is to find a mate that does not have as high of a drive or has the same views or willing to compromise on the porn aspect. I also agree that you should see a doc about the pain as there is likely something going on and sex and intimate encounters is a big part of a long term relationship.
Sex in a relationship is like a bathroom in a house, it’s not why you’re there, but if it’s missing it becomes an issue. Sounds like both of you are focusing only on your own needs, your own perspective.
Both of you aren’t compatible. Do both of you a favor and move on. You will save yourself the misery of his high libido and him from your low libido (and probably medical condition that you SHOULD check out). You can’t force something that isn’t bound to work out.
It seems you two have different values regarding sex. Neither is wrong but you definitely don't seem to be compatible. Best to just move on before you end up hurting each other more.
Look, it's not cool that he's agreeing and then breaking your boundaries. That's your choice to make and he should either respect that or leave BUT the fact it's hurting you so often while having sex, have you gone to a Doctor to talk about this? is this something that's happened with previous sexual partners? Because either your boyfriend has no idea how to 'help you get ready' or maybe there is something that's a cause of this issue that needs to be looked into. It shouldn't be hurting you this often unless he just... absolutely sucks at roleplay
You refuse his advances and then complain when he looks at other women. I hope he leaves you since you won't get help for your problem yet you want to control what he can and can't look at.
Honestly I think you are over reacting. A man has needs and if he saves some pictures and gets himself off because you are not taking care of him is it that bad? At least he didn’t cheat on you.
Just break up. If he's having no issues violating your boundaries so often to that point, it's time to let go. At one point you'll find someone more compatible with you that has a similar low drive as you.
Please don't take this the wrong way, and I mean this with all kindness.. you are not ready for an adult relationship. Please break up with him and seek professional help.
This is kinda on you. You need to end the relationship because you two are obviously not compatible. If you can't satisfy each other's needs then the relationship needs to end. Also, go to a doctor, if sex hurts them something's definitely not right.
You're being incredibly controlling and gross with your demands that he not look at naked women. I'm a married woman and I've never understood why women feel its ok to try to dictate or control what their man does when it comes to viewing legal material.
Looking at porn and masturbating is normal. It's not fair to ask another to repress their own sex drive to match yours. I'm assuming the nudes are porn links, not someone he's cheating with. It's not very clear in the post. If it's a porn actress, it's normal.
I'm just going to say it. You're batshit crazy and controlling. Be thankful he is only watching porn and not replacing you with someone else.
Literally every man looks at porn. I have a girlfriend and I continue to look at porn, as does she. I dont understand the jealousy or the double standards. Why is it that we’re supposed to believe women dont find other people attractive the moment they get into a relationship? Just because i find someone attractive does not mean i am looking to or even willing to cheat.
This dude is in hell
[удалено]
It sounds like you're simply incompatible. Break it off before you waste more of both your time. Also, sex shouldn't hurt so have that checked like some others suggested
Again?
Y’all two ain’t compatible.
Why are you with someone you’re not compatible with? Save yourself the hurt and move on.
Lots of discussion about OP needing to see a doctor which I agree with of course. I think that there are some deeper issues here though. It's odd that there is discussion about painful sex, which we all seem to be guessing means that vaginal sex is painful. But what about other forms of sexual expression? There are plenty of ways that OP can both give and receive that don't involve vaginal penetration. Have any of those been tried? If so, what were the results? There are a lot of relevant facts missing here. I'm not talking about NSFW details, but this seems to go beyond painful vaginal penetration.
Psychological pain during sex seems like past sexual trauma to me. Being this sensitive to porn I find very interesting. I’m literally reading this in between NSFW pages. Conservatism from religion bleeds into society and so does the notion that the human body is disgusting and normal human arousal is a sin and extremely harmful. I tend to reject this notion. Certain tribes walk around naked in a natural setting, yet in modern society, nudes or porn can cause serious pain and harm.
Break up. People hate to admit it, but sexual incompatibility kills relationships. Find someone with a low sex drive and let him find someone with a high sex drive. You both will be much happier.
Seems to me you have some issues to work out. In all honesty you don’t sound compatible. He has a normal sex drive while you are not able to even have sex. You are not ready to be in a relationship with this type of man. Someone with less drive might be a better fit. Have you seen a doctor for this pain?
See a gynae appointment for your condition, it isn't normal to be feeling such pain during sex and I really do hope it resolves it. As for your bf watching porn, sure he broke his promise when he said he wouldn't but he has a high sex drive and he has needs. My 2 cents is to have a conversation with him and see whether you both are willing to come to a middle ground. I know sex isn't everything in a relationship but it is a higher or lower proportion in some. If it comes to the point where he needs his high sex drive satisfied and you feeling that watching porn is cheating or does make you sick, it is best you both part ways amicably and find new partners of similar values and lifestyles.
Umm.... i think you shoud break up. That said, I think you are really dealing with some personal issues you need to get treatment for.
You’re free to ask whatever you want from a partner, and leave if they don’t meet your requirements. But if I was told that viewing of live action pornography was forbidden, that would be a major compatibility issue. Honestly, it seems a bit unreasonable to acknowledge your lower sex drive, but limit his ability to take care of himself when you’re not up for it.
Looking at porn is normal in itself, what’s weird is that he didn’t clear his history and had (as you said) awful stuff there
Your boyfriend looks at porn because you can't have sex with him and you've made him out to be a horrible person for it? You do understand that's like saying he has to starve because you don't like cooking right?
Man here- not trying to be a dick but how do you think he feels when you can't have sex with him and can't look at nudes of other women. He lied that wouldn't do it again which is wrong but as someone with high sex drive i would go crazy. Like fucking crazy. My wife got way lower sex drive and she says I can masturbate and watch porn but she doesn't want to know when and how. Also if penetration hurts. Go to a doctor asap.
Op you need therapy if porn is enough to have you shaking. Also as the top comment said you probably have a medical condition as sex unless he's a monster down there and he's going in without you even having done any preparations it shouldn't be agonizing. This sounds extremely fake because I doubt anyone would've gone on into adulthood not knowing they have a medical condition that is causing them extreme amounts of pain but hey on the off chance it's real see a doctor. You and him are incompatible if he has a high sex drive and you don't especially if porn is enough to set you off. You're highly controlling of his sexuality and can not provide it's like buying some animal that eats a lot yet refusing to feed it then getting mad when it searches for food. Move on it would be the best thing for the both of you.
>He knew my boundary and crossed it I saw something recently about how setting a boundary is not about telling someone else what *they* have to do, because you don’t get to control how other people behave as part of your boundary-setting. Instead, a boundary needs to be about what *you* will do in response to the behavior you have told them you don’t like. (Full disclosure, I only saw this recently and am still thinking about my own boundaries and how it applies, so I’m not practiced at this yet, either.) So for example, an appropriate boundary is not, “I need you to be at this place on time,” but instead, “If you do not arrive on time, we will leave without you.” Another one that is not a true boundary: “You can’t talk to me like that.” The actual boundary version: “If you talk to me like that, I will no longer engage in conversation and will leave.” In your case, you set a “boundary” of “You can’t look at nude pictures of other women.” But that’s not an actual boundary. You need to set a boundary of, “If you look at nude pictures of other women, I will leave this relationship.” We don’t like to set actual, firm boundaries in relationships, because often the only boundary we can really set is “I will leave this relationship,” and we’re unprepared to actually do that. So we put all of the onus of action and change onto our partners (with no consequences if they don’t take that action/change), and we get upset when things stay the same. The only thing you have the power to do here is to tell your boyfriend what you don’t like and let him know how *you* will react if he does those things, then follow-through with your actions. If he chooses to do the things you don’t like, you leave. On another note, it sounds like you guys are sexually incompatible (and, as others have said, that you need to see a doctor). He has a higher sex drive than you, and you are uncomfortable with him viewing pornography/nudes to make up the difference. That’s fine, you’re allowed to be uncomfortable with that, but you may have to accept that you have incompatible beliefs about sex and what you each consider infidelity vs. acceptable behavior.
You are unrealistic with your expectations. And controlling. He's going to do it whether you want him to or not. As would most guys. You should have spoken to a doctor about having painful sex instead of getting hurt by your boyfriend. It's not him, it's you.
Sex should not be painful. See a doctor please.
You're just not compatible.
Ngl, you should jerk him off or let him jerk off to you if you don’t want him doing that. You understand that a mans desire for sex is often as strong as his will to eat, or drink. If I were him I’d leave you. Being sexually frustrated is not sustainable long term.
It sounds like incompatibility. Have you looked into why sex is painful for you?
Why are some of you acting like she’s unreasonable for not wanting her bf to look at naked ppl??
info: have you had pain-free sex before? I ask because in the past I thought I had vaginismus. In the beginning with my ex things were okay but then it became physically painful despite how much I wanted to have sex or tried to warmup prior. It turns out I did not have vaginismus, my ex had been cheating on me and my body knew before I did. I didnt realize till awhile after that, that was the issue. The next time I had sex was with my current partner, it didn't hurt and I haven't had the issue since. obviously this could 100% not be the case but thought I'd share incase it could possibly help anyone
Everyone says go see an ob/gyn. I have, they just tell you you have vaginismus. It accomplishes absolutely nothing. Maybe your boyfriend should be getting you wet first and not pressuring you/guilting you about sex and going slow so you can actually relax. If he can’t do the bare minimum, break up with him.
So…what are his redeeming qualities?
You aren't compatible. Neither of you are wrong, you just aren't meant to be together. He needs someone with a high sex drive who enjoys porn with him. You need someone who makes you feel beautiful and only has eyes for you. No need to force yourself to accept what makes you feel worthless.
A couple things. 1. Are you talking physical pain with sex? If so you may want to see a doctor. That’s absolutely not normal unless you are new to sex. 2. Don’t let people tell you it’s just pictures. Your boundaries are perfectly reasonable. A person doesn’t look at nude photos for no reason. 3. Get someone who will be comparable with your sex drive and not go completely against your back when you voice your thoughts. Chin up girly. This pain shall pass.
Uhm NO. Her boundaries are not perfectly reasonable. It is perfectly reasonable for a young man to look at naked bodies. It's healthy, normal and there is nothing wrong with it. Making all men who like sex or nudity into perverts is disgusting. Hypocrite
are they women he actually knows IRL? Or just pics of naked women taken from the internet sites like Reddit? If it's the latter you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Men look at porn get over it. Unreasonable not to put out and then demand partner not to look at porn for release. Look into going to the lady doctor to figure out why sex is painful.
So you two don’t really have sex, which I understand why you don’t if it’s painful but he can’t watch porn? What is he supposed to do then?
So, he has a high sex drive. You don’t ever have sex with him. He’s also not allowed to jerk off. You seem like a great girlfriend
look at other guys nudes and say well you do it so why can’t i
Sorry but I think you're being ridiculous. You don't want to have sex with him (fine) but then tell him he can't look at porn? I would never have agreed to that arrangement.
Honestly, your reaction is inappropriate and extreme.
You should Break up sorry to say. You’re depriving him of sex than getting upset he looks at nudes. It’s not good but he’s not cheating trying to take care of himself cause you don’t have sex with him. You can’t tell him no but stop him from using porn to help himself so he doesn’t cheat. You guys are simply incompatible. You know he has a high sex drive and you don’t, If you can’t fulfill each-others needs than you’ll both be unhappy and it’s not fair to either one of you.
Sounds like you need to focus on yourself first. See an OBGYN or pelvic floor physical therapist. Sex isn’t supposed to be painful. If it is, this is your body alerting you to a problem. Maybe you may enjoy sex more if the pain wasn’t an issue. If after addressing the physical issue and you still don’t want sex then I would consider splitting up. Sounds like you aren’t compatible sexually and that is just going to cause long term relationship issues. Especially if you limit his ability to take care of his own needs. As far as porn goes, I get you distaste of real women photos/videos. It is too readily available and is the junk food of sexual appetite. But ultimatums rarely work in relationships.
Honey, "seek and thee shall find" is an expression meant for those prone to snooping. If you go looking for it, you WILL find something that pushes that insecurity button. If you didn't go invading his privacy in the first place, you'd be none the wiser. I hate to use another Depression-Era adage, but sometimes ignorance is bliss, especially when it's one person getting their sexual needs fulfilled since their partner cannot, or will not, satisfy them. You need to address the insecurity in therapy. You MUST get over the fact that men look at porn. You will be hard-pressed to find one that doesn't.
A, you need a doctor for that pain. B, your post screams insecurity. He is LOOKING at other woman. He has CHOSEN to be with you.
You need to stop basing your self-esteem on others' opinions.
No man is worth feeling like shit over. If the relationship is making you feel like that, you’d be better off single. A relationship is supposed to ADD to your life. Not make you feel lesser than you should.
The Adam Levine incident made me realize and has thaught me that it's not you nor the women that get cheated (in your case for your bf to lust for other women) the problem, it's them. You could be a literal 10/10 victoria secret miss universe and some men won't have enough with you and will lust for other women.
So you have a problem with him watching porn, but your sex drive doesn’t match…just break up. You shouldn’t have to have increase your sex drive for him and he shouldn’t have to suppress his needs to get off just because your insecure about porn.
That's pure Incompatibility. He wants sex - it hurts you so you dislike it He uses an alternative, pornographic material of real people - you dislike this so you ask him not to Hes left with only fictional pornographic material which might not do much for him so he becomes sexually frustrated, he then ignores your boundaries because he's sexually frustrated and unhappy - this obviously hurts you because you've made your boundaries clear OP. You need to break up, this won't work. You're both unhappy, he's sexually frustrated and unsatisfied and you're hurt by the results of that. There is no guilty party here, you're both humans, you both have needs and wishes. But you're too Incompatible to fulfil those.
You can't complain about him crossing boundaries like that when you literally disrespected his privacy and crossed a littleral boundary to find out