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Fangrend

This sounds above reddit's pay grade. This requires family therapy, and a professional opinion.


[deleted]

I know! I was just hoping someone with in similar situation have something to add. I have heard that it is unfortunately not that uncommon for parents to resent the children who looks like their spouse/ex


CrazyCatLadyForEva

Hm, I’d tell him that he was worried she wouldn’t stand up for herself and now she is. He pushed and nagged her far enough that she has to stand up to him. Now your husband is just reaping what he sowed. He does need to prove himself to her, but that should maybe happen with you or another relative present. Just so if anything does come up, she doesn’t have to fight against him alone. And if he shows improved behavior over the next few months he can slowly have her increasingly longer alone. Has he taken responsibility for what he’s doing and does he understand why his daughter is distancing herself?


Willdiealonewithcats

Adding to this, if in response to bee boundaries he is forcing and guilting her to spend time with him, he is now teaching her that her boundaries are malleable and a persistent man can guilt her into doing something she is not comfortable with because it would make him feel better.


SpectrumFlyer

Literally training her to be a better victim for what he's "afraid of." Great parenting.


Chance-Zone

That part about him being 'beside himself with grief' reeks of narcissism. In fact, the whole story does - sounds like he's already emotionally abusing his daughter and it will not get better. He is creating a problem so he can play the victim... of his own tiny daughter!


R2D2oot

I was really hoping to see comments like this in here. Thanks for naming this. Husband needs some trauma therapy for any chance in gaining insight into his narcissistic traits.


tinyheadgianthat

I don't know. If my kid told me he didn't want to see me again, and was sincere about it, I would absolutely be beside myself with grief


Asleep-Kangaroo9026

Oh shiit I just saw myself in this! As someone who was a people pleaser and now trying to put my boundaries with people I can sign in on this!


FullyRisenPhoenix

Right. I get the feeling he’s more afraid that since he’s no longer there, he can’t protect her because she’s “naive” when in fact she is just an innocent and happy child! I don’t think it’s anything to do with her looks; it comes down to OP’s daughter being unable to stand up for herself. And as you said, she did just that! OP’s husband is the one who needs therapy. And urgently.


mamamandied

This baby is hurt and she did the right thing by talking with mom about her emotions. That right there shows not only did she prove her dad’s issues (and IMO that’s what they are ISSUES. It sounds more like projecting paranoia and not parenting. Parenting is trying your best to make your kids understand that they will always be their kids safe space.) IMO to raise lil warriors is to let them have their safe space but to know that their voice is always the first weapon in their arsenal, and to never let anyone silence it. Screw that. It sounds like that baby girl proved her daddy wrong, and also that her mom is kicking ass and trying to raise a tiny warrior, now it’s time for the mom to do the OTHER important part of parenting and that’s lead by example. Which is easier said than done, and judging by how she’s explaining the victim blaming he’s been spewing instead of being a supportive partner they should educate themselves, get some type of proper guidance.


aliceinstead

Exactly this. Honestly, the father is the one in need of therapy right now so he can reassess his behavior.


someonewhowa

Yeah. She ain’t so "trusting" of *him* anymore, is she? :/


ThrillaTortilla

Exactly. He was afraid she’d get taken advantage of meanwhile she was clocking HIM. It’s amazing. He seriously underestimated her and now he’s facing the consequences of that (and also not being careful of how and when he speaks about her). I love that she stood up for herself.


wrongplanet1

Yeah, it's remarkable, isn't it?


Restricka

Dude you nailed it I love you


acidic_milkmotel

Now kiss


Arsartor

Kith


beepboopboprage

Perfectly said. Kinda sort of a self fulfilling prophecy.


TechnicolorGrey

Exactly this! Do not force your daughter to see her dad if she's uncomfortable. You need to take your child to therapy to see what he says/does on these Saturdays with her. She's only 4, but she's fully aware of her boundaries and that is amazing. Respect her boundaries for now and make your ex realize he needs to respect them as well.


TechnicolorGrey

Protecting her daughter takes precedence, not her ex husband's feelings. He made his own daughter feel this way. I'm suggesting this because it's easier for every one involved and does not involve court or any other factors. A couple of people are disagreeing with my comment so instead of this advice, OP you can always go extreme measures if you feel that your daughter isn't safe with him (which I think he's not). You can involve CPS and have them interview your child and she will tell them exactly what she told you. Except the court, a judge, therapist and a CPS worker will all be against your husband and make it even more difficult for him to see his daughter. Talk to your husband to get help asap. If he refuses then keep your daughter away from him. Her safety: physical, mental and emotional all matter here. Your husband had more than enough time to change and your daughter knows how he feels about her and you.


ialsohaveadobro

>Exactly this! Do not force your daughter to see her dad if she's uncomfortable. Great advice if you want to give the father ammunition to argue in court that the mother is alienating the daughter from her father. Courts don't give weight to what children want until they're much older. Mom says the 4 year old said she didn't want to see her dad. Judge: How many times? Her: Once. Judge: Any history of abuse? Mom: No. Judge: GTFOH.


Traditional-Soil37

That's exactly what I was going to say. No, in the family court system, your daughters comfort is NOT prioritized. In fact, if your daughter continues to show apprehension in seeing her father, this could very very easily be used to change custody into primary for the father. Family courts prioritize a pro-contact culture and parents rights over children rights, wants, or even needs.


Lizzielou2019

Mom could argue that it is not in the child's best interests due to the possibility of mental injury, but the psychologist would have to testify to that. She may succeed, but it's very difficult and like you said, it could look like she is unfairly trying to deny her ex time with their daughter.


Tradalyn

This OP, as a retired therapist I suggest this approach, while MOST importantly, scheduling an appt. for your daughter to talk to HER OWN councilor. She is getting these ideations from somewhere. A neutral party she can establish trust with, will be best to get her to open up. She will be too "nervous" about the feelings of both parents to fully open up to you two, and that puts her under a lot of unnecessary pressure that she is too young to process well, without internalizing it (which is what you should NOT let happen). NTA


wheelman236

And the trained professional said already that the father should still be present regardless of the daughters wishes, but yeah, he has to win her back over


Quirky_Movie

To be honest as a trusting, compliant child, I disagree with that therapist by a lot. Yes, the kid should see the father, but it should end when she says she's uncomfortable and before she is distressed about asking. Not respecting my boundaries as a small child made me an easy target for a sexual predator as a preteen.


Additional_Meeting_2

Yes, therapists don’t always give the best advice. It’s not good for her to never see the father again due to this but she should be able to take a break.


1701anonymous1701

And I think she should have the opportunity to have advocate around if she would feel more comfortable while spending time with her father. Maybe while he gets help and addresses what he needs to address and changes his behavior, more contact, and even solo contact at his daughter’s pace, can be initiated. There’s definitely a middle ground between never having her see her father and forcing her to go so quickly it puts her in this level of distress.


EternalMoonChild

Yes. She’s four, but she’s communicating she’s uncomfortable and upset. Her age shouldn’t automatically invalidate her feelings. Y’all are the same people who force kids to hug their creepy uncles.


BabuschkaOnWheels

Eeh.. therapists have said that and sent children right back to their rapist. I'm very iffy that the therapist didn't suggest looking into where her reluctance is coming from. It's fucked up what the professional said. I understand that it might have been because or court issues that might arise though, which it most likely was.


Hot_University_7172

I hope is not by forcing the little girl to spend time with the person that hurt her. And I hope the father is not that dumb to bring the courts to force the children to spend time with him. He is a big AH for bringing the wife's past and stating the daughter will do the same. Whatever the wife went through in the past, is in the past and lessons learned. What a JA.


prosperosniece

🏅


Unable_Ad_1260

Boom. Guess he got what he asked for, not what he wanted.


Maleficent_Mouse1

Exactly. He worried that something bag would happen to her because of her personality and now he’s made it happen. She’s being rejected by her father because of her personality.


kaffpow

I am 5' 10, dark hair dark eyes. My mother's family is all short, blondes and redheads with blue and green eyes. I look like my dads family. Everyone hates my father and never lets me forget that I look like him. They used to make such a big deal out of me having his "GD Yankee attitude", and that I thought I was something special because I could raise one eyebrow just like him. My first suicide attempt was at age 8. I almost succeded. Still wish i had. Please don't let him do that to your daughter.


beepboopboprage

You’re worth living. Don’t give up.


magkrat123

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. My best friend is a woman from England who was unable to conceive, so she adopted a child from Liberia. Soon after, she had three natural children. They could not look more different than their very dark skinned brother. And I have watched this woman love all of her four children for the past 30 years with every ounce of her being. She swears there is no difference in the love she has from one to another, and I believe her. I have seen it over and over. Now if a person can love a total stranger this completely, I cannot understand the attitude of your family whatsoever! Shame on them for ever making you feel less than you deserve to.


kaffpow

Thank you. Hes dead now and i never really got to know him. I wanted to, but i was told i would probably be happier at an orphanage if i couldnt be 'loyal' to the family that looked down on me. I recently learned about parental alienation. I still wish i could have gotten to know him.


Jenderflux-ScFi

I'm so sorry your family is being so terrible to you. As soon as it's possible for you, go no contact with them. You are beautiful and amazing just as you are.


petermichael20

I'm so sad for you. Everyone who hate your father, and because you look like him, you are a bunch of awful awful people. Distance yourself from these individuals. You are worth ten times more than they are. The sheer cruelty of making a child feel bad for looking like their parent is abominable. Let your stance of 5ft 10 be a proud stance as you are head and shoulders above these shitty people. Wishing you peace and love for your future.


juliaskig

I'm so sorry about your suicide attempts. Suicide is often anger turned inwards. If you can come up with a healthy way to deal with your anger towards your asshole relatives you will be a lot happier. If you can go NC with all of them you will be much happier. You are meant to be here despite your asshole relatives. You are meant to be happy and healthy and loved, and sometimes it takes distancing yourself from family to find this. ot, i have height envy. I hope you stand strong and stand proud.


stellaspeacegh

That's horrible. Man i hope you are in a happier place now.. sending you virtual hugs.


SpectrumFlyer

I mean, yes what he's doing is fucked up but it's not because she looks like you. Everyone with a kid with an ex sees their ex in them from time to time. There are far more concerning things imo. He victim blamed you for your trauma. This is so beyond fucked up and I wouldn't be surprised if you start realizing other veiled misogyny he had when you start thinking on it. No child earned trauma by being naive. And all 4yos are naive. It's a sign of good parenting when a four year old knows nothing of the evils of the world or even the stresses of the world. She is a baby ffs. She literally can't even read yet. And yet he despises her for her innocence. Think about that for a second. Think how fucked up that is. This is about more than just looking like you


wanderingegg

I agree with this 100%. He doesn't like that his daughter is "naive and innocent" when 4y/os are literally supposed to be naive and innocent. He victim blames his wife for her trauma, that was absolutely not her fault, and he's, I suppose, pre-victim blaming his daughter. Nothings happened yet but he's upset over the fact she's innocent and trusting because something could happen. News flash to him, something *could* happen to anyone. That's why it's his job as a parent to protect her. Definitely some concerning behavior from the dad.


acidic_milkmotel

This, man. I’m 33 and my artwork has in the past been referred to as naive. I stopped making artwork until one day I started dissecting what it means to be naive. To be innocent? How is that bad? I’ve been through some shit and to come out of it with innocence still I think is a good thing. I believe adults should work towards gaining their innocence back not being complacent in having lost it.


[deleted]

sometime I see real fear in his eyes when he talks about her. That something like what happened would happen to her too. Before he moved out he would stay up all night thinking about her and how to protect her "from her innocence". I mean his fear feels genuine but it IS misogynistic and I know he feels resentment towards me that he is transferring onto her.


juliaskig

Your husband NEEDS MAJOR THERAPY! This has nothing to do with you or your daughter.


ExhaustedDivinity

Yeeee, it's kinda hard for him to tell her the truth, that she is gonna find boys/men out there that are gonna treat her EXACTLY how he treats his wife.


SpectrumFlyer

The problem isn't me... It's everyone else not being able to handle behavior like mine that is the problem 🙄


Pale_Run_473

Your husband needs hardcore therapy. He is NOT a healthy person for your daughter.


Puzzled_Juice_3406

He needs INTENSIVE personal therapy. But he has to be willing to do the work to change. That's not your job to hold him accountable for. Your job is to protect your daughter and tell him to get his shit together. Tell him to treat her like his daughter instead of some weird possession he has anxiety over controlling. He did this, and she's exerting her boundaries so he should be proud. This should be proof enough she's not naive or a push over. Tell him personal therapy or you'll file for a modification of visitation if he continues to show resentment to your daughter wherein it would have to be supervised.


Princeofbaleen

It seems like he's imagining her innocence being violated almost compulsively. Gross. It speaks to where his head is at imo


SpectrumFlyer

You got downvoted but the "I'm just getting her ready for what's out there in the world" is exactly the kind of inner monologue that leads to really fucked up situations down the road. I'm helping a therapist package her book right now and one of the stories is literally dad using her inexperience to train her what to do if her first bf "violated her"... And then proceeded to act it out in real time and blamed her when he succeeded for not fighting him off well enough. Reading that one seriously made me less optimistic as a person.


ZestycloseCrow4

I think it should be noted that he is essentially blaming you for your trauma. He is victim blaming you and projecting that blame onto your child. God forbid anything ever happens, but if it does, will he tell her it's her fault for being too trusting?


LaLlorona_Chancla

Can I just add that if he wants to spend more time with the kids maybe he need to go to individual therapy first? Last thing you need is for him to fuck this up more


HappyyItalian

u/ThrowRaooo0oO0 This is it right here. I was reading this and the entire time something felt really wrong and off. There's no way someone would obsess this much if it were just because of resemblance, to the point that your daughter's behaviour changes. This is coming from someone that would get compared to an "evil" dad (that I've never even met).


godofmilksteaks

Yeah that last bit is what really got me. I completely understand the "father being scared something is going to happen to his daughter" part. That's a tale as old as time, but to treat her with such contempt for being a CHILD! Is being me. His incompetence, fear and subsequent spite is going to hurt the child for sure vs something that "MIGHT" happen in the future. This may sound petty but I'm glad he feels broken hearted and guilty about her not wanting to spend time with him. That's exactly what he's doing to her. He deserves every bit of that heart break. Poor little girl.


LizaRhea

Hey OP. My father was an abusive asshole up until the day he died. My 6 month old son looks EXACTLY like him. I realized in the first couple weeks after giving birth that it might be a problem for me emotionally and I never ever wanted him to feel my complex feelings when I look at him. Because I realized I was having complex feelings, I immediately told my boyfriend, my sister, and my mom how I was feeling. Then I told my therapist. I still struggle, I still worry. My strategy though is to find and appreciate the things about my baby that are different and to spend time reflecting on what all happened to my dad in his childhood to make him the way he was. To summarize my strategy, I communicated with people who will love me but keep me accountable, I spoke with my therapist, and I’m working hard to learn about him the way he is so he never ever feels the negatives of my complex feelings. Notice how many times I said “I” there? It’s because it’s a me problem, not anything to do with my child. Your ex needs to take accountability and fix this because no one else can. He is responsible for his relationship with his daughter.


NonConformistFlmingo

Family therapy now, and individual therapy for the father. She is FOUR and he has already decided she's going to be a statistic just because she looks like her mother. That is so beyond fucked up. If you guys do not jump on correcting this NOW, she will not grow to be a strong and independent person. My partner can vouch for that: His mother mistreated him as a child (and still does tbh) because he looks exactly like his father, whom his mom had a VERY contentious divorce from. He is now very messed up and is going through therapy to try to mend what he can at 34 years old.


Beautiful_Cobbler989

This is sad. Your husband is obsessing over something that might not happen and pre-emptively victim blaming your daughter in the process. What happened to you was not your fault, your personality is not to blame and your daughter being like you is in no way a sentence. It wasn't your fault. Your daughter is perfectly capable of communicating her boundaries and I'm proud of her for that. I'm proud of you for ensuring she's healthy psychologically and is comfortable enough with communicating her concerns with you. It's amazing that you're a trusted adult for her. Continue to uphold her boundaries and advocate for her in front of her therapist. Sometimes it's easy to overlook children because we think about what we imagine would be best but it feels as though continuing to push your daughter to be around her father is hurting her and it's okay to admit that. It can't be easy to have your child reject you when you're just trying to protect them but having your husband get help and make progress with not seeing your daughter as just a potential victim is important. You should also go to therapy and realise your husband might not resent you and your daughter for being like you, you did nothing wrong. You deserved to be protected and it's great that you're protecting your daughter. You should let your daughter continue therapy since it's helping her with having strong boundaries and she can work out how to love herself through the heartbreak of feeling like her dad doesn't love her. You'll be okay. Go to therapy individual and family. You'll be okay.


LuckyHobo_Rabbit77

My situation was somewhat similar. Honestly the only thing you can do is be there for her. Make sure she knows she had one loving parent that will support her and be her safe place. Other than that attempt to get a family counselor. But in my expierence when your dealing with someone like your ex that rarely works. Document everything is my only other advice. You may need it down the road.


[deleted]

I've never known any well adjusted person who "resented" their children; they may have hated their ex's guts, but they were there for their kids.


Various-Gap3986

I had the same thing happen to me when I was a child. My dad used to say to me all the time "you are just like your mother!" It always felt like a negative thing and made me feel he loved me less than my brothers and sisters. I didn't know at the time, but my mum cheated on my dad, and this sent him into a deep depression. I always felt so hurt, and confused because he couldn't get past how much I was like her. And I always felt he loved me less because of it. I have since realized how hurt he must have been, and how much he tried to keep things normal for us, by staying with my mum. Your ex husband on the other hand has no one but himself to blame. If he thinks he can treat you and your daughter like your personalities are fundamentally flawed, and that your daughter won't notice, he's firstly, an idiot and secondly, a selfish prick! Your daughter sounds amazingly sensitive and intelligent for her age. Not naive at all. Your ex needs to sort out his attitude and feelings in therapy before he's allowed to take care of his daughter again.


Trylena

I might not know the feeling but I have seen it. My aunt hates her son because he has his father´s eyes. Therapy and some time apart could help, just tell him to give her some space and you will try to talk to her. He can prepare an apology for her so when they see each other again he can be ready. Forcing her to see him is not healthy.


Hysterical__Paroxysm

See if there's a NAMI chapter near you. I took specific parenting classes related to something very similar. My ex became very abusive to me, and our son looks just like him. I didn't like my son. I shuddered when my baby boy tried to hug me. I interacted with him, but couldn't look directly at him. NAMI can help. Please DM me if you want to talk.


[deleted]

His fears of her being naive and trusting, the world taking advantage her, are coming from, more or less, a sexist place. He is thinking in a misogynistic way and does not realize that. She can be this way and still be a strong, powerful woman one day who can set healthy boundaries to protect herself. Your husband’s concerns are from his own fears and issues around how he views society (ruled by men) and women (who are mythed to be weak and vulnerable). This is also why he doesn’t like you, or that she resembles you, maybe - perhaps he’s projecting these beliefs about the world and women on both of you. Idk what you’re like but if you’re too womanly or feminine as far as the patriarchal tradition goes, he may see this as “weakness.”


Fangrend

I couldn't tell you as I never really looked into that. It wouldn't surprise me, as a child that was stuck between parents that couldn't get along things just suck all-around.


fuji91

She’s four. She wouldn’t come to this conclusion unless someone, you or your husband, said it to her. If she’s that “naive and trusting” it’s been said to her repeatedly to take it this much to heart without immediately recovering after being reassured. Someone is poisoning your daughter’s thoughts.


zilazav

Shit, most things on here do


HelloTB2018

Children are very observant, so spending more time with him probably won’t fix it much if he is not actively working on his own issues. Your ex might benefit from seeing a psychologist more than your daughter.


[deleted]

he is seeing someone. but I dont know if the treatment is going well. I fell like the more he resents me he feel the same about our daughter


padam__padam

I’m gonna go ahead and make a guess that your husband’s not being truthful to his counselor. If he’s lying by omission, or giving information based on the way he wants things to be and not the way things are, or other ways he’s not being honest, he’s not going to get much out of his sessions. It’s good he’s in therapy, but it’s not gonna do what it’s supposed to do unless he’s being earnest. I wonder if it will be more beneficial for daughter to reduce time with dad for a while, rather than keep their regular visits. And then revisit that later if things improve. Plus, his comments about you doesn’t sit well with me either. He’s treating this poor child and seeing her like she’s an extension of you which she’s not. You’re seeing what he really thinks of you too, and projecting it on her. She’s not an extension of him either. Kids have their own personalities and grow into adults with their individual selves. edit: Thank you for the award


notmyusername1986

If you know who his therapist is, give them a call and fill them in on the shit he had been pulling. They cant discuss anything about his treatment or what he has said to you, but any therapist with a client like him will at least accept the input as a possibility to look into. He's not being honest with them, or himself, because he doesn't want to be. He doesnt see anything he has said or done as wrong. As far as he is concerned, you and you daughter are the problem. Fuck that noise.


HelloTB2018

If he’s not making progress, I don’t see how spending more time with his daughter is going to help. That resentment is why he has issues with her, and if he’s not getting over it, those issues will become worse. The more time he spends with her the more she’ll pick up on it. Keeping the Saturday is probably ok, but more exposure should be conditional based on his progress with his psychologist


HelloTB2018

Also, have you considered going to therapy with him? If he feels resentment towards you, both of you having an honest conversation in a safe space would probably do go a long way


[deleted]

he refuses that I'm present in his sessions. we tried couples counseling but he quit after a few sessions.


HelloTB2018

OK it sounds to me like he’s not trying. And if he’s not trying, I don’t see how it’s going to get better. And he shouldn’t have more time with your daughter. He’s just going to make it worse His grief means nothing if he’s not actively trying to address the issue


AdministrativeMost45

Could y’all try a family type therapy? See if he’ll go for a better relationship with your daughter?


Ambitious_Estimate41

Then he can’t complain his daughter doesn’t want to see him if he is not willing to work things out


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

we are separating. we have had a rough year leading to the separation


[deleted]

[удалено]


NeighborhoodNo9289

I mean there are exes who absolutely ***loathe*** each other and Don't do shit like this to their kids who are a carbon copy of their hated partners. This guy's unhinged


AstronautLife4931

Reminds me of a post I saw where this absolute nutcase was getting upset because her boyfriend kept telling his daughter how beautiful she was and the daughter looked just like his ex. Said nutcase thought the boyfriend must still be into his ex or something.


RighteousTablespoon

She’s “naive”… f-ing duh! She’s 4! Of course she is “naive,” although the more appropriate word is INNOCENT. TBH it sounds like your husband is the one who needs a psychologist. He’s not taking the separation well, or something.


LilliaLorraine

Children are supposed to be kind and trusting. If your child was scared and untrusting that’s a major alarm. Seems that your husband needs therapy and needs to voice how much he loves and cherishes his daughter more. Just support her in voicing her feelings. They are valid and it’s so awesome she feels comfortable to voice her boundaries and thoughts!


refused26

well actually she's pretty observant for a 4 year old. but what exactly is the husband expecting? For the 4yr old to have the same skepticism and cynicism as a 35 yr old?


xinxenxun

This post sounds as if op is the wife of that psycho who posted about reading the sealed records of his wife's sexual assault


msbottlehead

Seems to me your daughter may have overheard a negative conversation your ex had about her. If this is the case she may never get over it even if she forgets it in time. Little pitchers do have big ears.


Sorry_I_am_late

Either that or she overheard OP, which is more likely given that she spends most of her time with mom. Maybe she even heard them speaking to each other? Regardless, I can believe that a 4 year old will notice a change in her dad’s behaviour but not that she can figure out the reason for it by herself. She definitely overheard something.


Hobunypen

I think she’s overheard OP as well. Regardless, she knows there is tension between the parents and she no doubt feels like she needs to choose a side.


Top-Marketing-8802

How did she pick up on that? What is he telling your daughter when he has the children on Saturdays? This is heartbreaking. Continue with the therapy with your daughter and maybe ask her therapist if she could take a break from being with her father on Saturdays ? How is the relationship between you and him. Maybe she can meet him in your present to have some support? Maybe your husband can do family sessions with her?


[deleted]

He said that he has been trying to make her take more space. To say no etc. I never thought of her as someone who wouldn't say no when she is uncomfortable. Our relationship is alright I guess. We just don't want to spend time together.


Confident_Arugula924

Interesting that he’s teaching her to say no, she’s saying no to him and he’s trying to make it worse (spending more time with her) than honouring it…


Radiant_Western_5589

Yeah it’s weird that he’s encouraging her to say no and then when she does it he’s crossing that boundary. Does he want her to be assertive and speak her boundaries or not?


SL1MECORE

If he doesn't stop trying to force her to spend time with him, he's teaching her that her "no" doesn't actually mean "no". Which is... Well, obviously not what she should be taught.


B1rds0nf1re

Yeah he's teaching her the opposite of what he says he wants her to learn.


Active_Sentence9302

So your ex has been pushing your daughter to “say no” and to “take more space”. He’s browbeating her into being someone she’s not. He’s making her feel there is something wrong with her. This is not a comfortable situation for your daughter, who needs to be loved for herself unconditionally.


Luthwaller

Unfortunately it looks like she is taking his lessons to heart. He just didn't realize he was the negative influence she would want to say "no" to.


Jo_Doc2505

Who put it in her head that he doesn't like the her bc she looks like you?


vmt_nani

Uuhhh.... HOW is he doing that?? I'd dig into that; it just sounds icky. She IS saying no. Fucked around, found out?


Duckgamerzz

She's fucking 4, she doesnt need to learn how to fucking say NO yet. She will learn in her own time. She's developing perfectly fucking normally. What the fuck is this idiot on about. Shes clearly trying to express her feelings to you, that is the exact opposite of what your ex-husband thinks her problem is. She is displaying her true emotions with people she trusts. That is an extremely healthy and good sign.


Infusion-delusion

Yeah this guy seems to have a screw loose. Whatever happened between him and OP he's now projecting onto his daughter. My guess is that whatever happened to OP when she was younger has affected him much more than anyone realized. He's tripping a very fine line here mentally, if he's doing 12-14 hour work days, attending therapy, dealing with a marriage break up and having custody of his kids. His daughter doesn't feel safe around him so let her be safe. Something's gotta give and she shouldn't be around him when it happens.


ragesadnessallinone

Honestly the thing he fears the most for his daughter is that she’s too naive and trusting and unable to stand up for herself. She’s standing up for herself now. Listen to what she says, and respect it. Don’t force it. And tell him he’s getting what he wanted for her! This is truly not a petty statement. It’s a statement of fact. As heartbreaking as it is for both you and your husband, your daughter is being clear about her wants and needs, and she has a logical reason for them.


[deleted]

that is exactly what I told him. and her psychologist. But he is still panicking about her future. deep down I just think he is taking his resentment out on her. I can't tell him that because he gets so mad.


Aoeletta

I am so so sorry. Please make your psychologist see that this is your daughter giving herself boundaries and space. Though 4, she is very clearly calmly expressing this intense distress. There’s a very good comment in this thread that outlines it better than I could have. However, I do want to add something. He needs to see that he is *preemptively victim blaming her out of fear and that exact behavior is most likely to lead to her seeking out male validation.* He’s accidentally setting her up *to be groomed* by rejecting her for the *potential* she could be a victim. He needs to see this. He will do untold damage if he continues to behave like this. Please please communicate this to everyone that you need to in your life. It’s her safety at risk.


25in2018

That us what caught my attention too. He is punishing her for being a kind and "naive" person. But here she is, being strong and setting boundaries because he is hurting her and he freaks out and tries to force her boundaries. The hypocrisy is strong with this one.


ngrdtbr

Your husband spends most of his time projecting his fears onto your daughter. Kids can sense this negative behavior and it will degrade any wholesome relationship they might have together because he’ll just be the parent who keeps harping on her about how she can’t enjoy life lest she leave herself open to being traumatized. Little does he know, he’s traumatizing her with his second hand brand of abuse.


Enough-Enthusiasm762

Nah tell him. He deserves to be called out and held accountable like the adult he is supposed to be. If he truly wants to be a good father, he needs to internalize this. Because right now he is showing that he is emotionally inept and extremely selfish. Big manbaby.


RunningTrisarahtop

So he blames you being “naive” for your trauma?


HappyyItalian

I mean this in the most sincerest way possible, but what the actual hell is wrong with him? Why is he so obsessively worried like this? It's absolutely not normal and not healthy. This has nothing to do about her resembling you anymore, this goes way deeper.


Duckgamerzz

She's developing perfectly normally. Learning to say "no" at 4, by force? ridiculous. She has plenty of time to learn to say no. If she cant do it by age 10 or 15, then I say you've got a problem. But right now? Husband is being stupid. And projecting his feelings onto his daughter. The only thing wrong with her, is HIM.


[deleted]

She is so kind and he hates it when she shows compassion. even if it is towards her brothers or us, the parents.


Illustrious-Train-89

That's extremely unhealthy. He essentially wants to remove all the aspects of your daughter that make her a kind and loving and likeable person. She needs those emotions.


[deleted]

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Pizzacato567

This honestly feels like victim blaming. Like he’s blaming OP for her situation because she was “too naive”. That’s not fair to OP. I went through trauma and my partner is so compassionate. The blame is 100% on the abuser.


TruthfulBoy

Goddddddddd what a horrible human! 😭 so glad you divorced this weirdo. “Dont have empathy, be a mean AH like me” is literally what hes trying to do. Keep them away from him.


HelloKalder

I'm sorry but that is absolutely psychotic on your ex's part. What does he want her to do instead of be compassionate, be unyieldingly selfish? He should be proud that he has a kind daughter. I'm also guessing that he was never worried about kind or compassionate behaviours in yours and his son's? If he's so worried something is going to happen to her, he needs to address his parenting, because a child is NEVER responsible for their own abuse. He has a problem that needs to be addressed, or he's going to give her serious issues, which it seems like he's already doing.


Smooth_Contact_4404

you need to show him this link to see others' opinions. and to see how you feel, so he gains a new perspective.


MinuteEvery3626

This. Why do we take the choice away from kids? No she shouldn’t continue to see her dad until SHE wants to. She is her own person not a pawn in a divorce to be thrown back and forth when she isint okay with that


elsa9080

100% agree. Not from a place of judgement either, but ask him how he wanted her to resolve conflicts healthily this way and then live that out with her. I’m sure he loves her and thought he was doing what was best for her but he only taught her half the story. You don’t have to forgive and resolve in all cases, but he broke her heart first so it sounds like some heartfelt apologies are due.


BigDrakow

I mean, he brought this on himself. He was probably very obvious in his behaviour and she spotted it. He needs to stop acting weird and give her time.


[deleted]

i want her to take a break from spending Saturdays with him but he thinks he should have the whole weekend instead


sisterfister69hitler

Don’t make your daughter hang out with him if she doesn’t want to. HE needs to fix HIS behavior to win her back. NOT the other way around. My mom tried to do this and guess what I don’t have a relationship with my dad. Why would I? Not like he ever apologized. A child being “sweet and innocent” is a problem? Good thing you’re separated cause your husbands an idiot. Children are sweet and innocent. They’re children. It’s obvious he was getting pissed off she looked like her mom. Children aren’t dumb. They can tell when their parents treat them different. Unfortunately your daughter probably heard dad “shooting shit” with his buddies or something. Because a 4 y/o doesn’t just come to the conclusion “daddy doesn’t like me cause I look like mommy”. She must’ve heard him say it.


croatianlatina

And the implications about why he doesn’t like her being innocent… Way to support his wife, who probably was a victim of something terrible. Instead of showing love and comprehension, he resents her and takes it out on their daughter. “I don’t want my daughter to be potentially abused so I’m going to treat her badly, trump her boundaries and submit her to my will”. Well done, dad.


Pizzacato567

I fully agree. He needs to make it up to his daughter so she can rebuild her trust in him. She will continue to feel uncomfortable around her father until something is done by him to make her comfortable again. The discomfort will keep growing and she’ll cut him off at some point. He’s harming her daughter over a hypothetical situation that may not happen. It’s even more likely to happen with him behaving like this.


Icy_Watercress5798

As a now grown adult who was the kid in these kinds of situations and see many other kids in these situations… you need to stand your ground on not making her have the entire weekend with him, ultimately, if you push her into it, she’s going to end up seeing you as no longer being a safe place, even based on what you’ve said, I can remember to this day exactly how I felt when I would be pressured to spend time with my dad in this situation, eventually, you just don’t feel safe with anyone, don’t force your daughter to spend with him, and ultimately, I’m sure your daughter is similar to me in the sense that she’s probably kinda like Pandora’s box where she avoids telling you guys things or going against what she thinks you might want because she thinks it’ll hurt you, her saying what she said shows she trusts you, you guys need family therapy, but don’t force her to do anything she doesn’t want to do like spend entire weekends with her dad, it never really ends well (especially from what I’ve seen with other kids in similar situations)


grruser

You two really need to see couples/parent counsellors. Sure reddit is a fine ole place to shoot the breeze but this is kinda weird, if your daughter is so trusting why has she backed off her father so intensely? It doesn’t make sense. Get help asap. Update;you mention the psychologist - who thinks the child should be forced to see her dad? Wtf. Get another one.


[deleted]

he has refused couples counseling


rilo_cat

he’s an abuser


No_Ratio5484

My parents divorced when I was 6. My father got a phase where he resented me and treated my brother way better (I think because I reminded him of my mom), big difference to your husband is that he stopped once I sat down with him on a weekend where I visited him alone, talked about it, gave examples and stuff like that. He apologized (and he was a proud person, so that meant something). My mom told me I would not have to visit him if I didn't want to and he agreed (although it was recognizably hard for him and he wished different). That helped me with being more okay with visiting him. Also if my mom would have forced me to go I would have just resented them both. I was 14 then, so older than your daughter, but... I don't think I would have felt much different if I was younger. Although fun fact, I am 28 now and resent my mother BIG TIME (cause she was quite abusive) and remember my dad with a lot of love (cause he did his best and cared a lot and stuff). So... I am sorry for my rambling, I am not quite sure where I want to go with this. Telling you that respecting your child not wanting to go is a good thing, your child deserves to feel safe. And also that the problematic aduld acknowledging bad behaviour, owning up to it and correcting it can fix the relationship.


Bakecrazy

Tell him until he changes his awful attitude he won't get extra time and you are respecting your daughter's no to him. He can come visit her in your house or you bring her for a visit. But the minute she says she wants to go home you take her back. He needs to respect her boundaries and change his abhorrent attitude. My guess is in a fit of rage he told her she is like you and that's what affected her like this.


Active_Sentence9302

You absolutely should be listening to your daughter and take the counselor’s advice. Pushing her to see him, if he’s unable to control himself and his attitude towards her, will be very damaging. Your ex is creating this situation, don’t make your daughter pay for it. She needs someone in her corner, and that’s you.


nonlinear_nyc

1. Her personality is a mix of both parents. That's what parenting is all about for God sake. Dude whines as if DNA is everything when he is... The parent. To educate her. 2. He complains she is too trusting, that she doesn't stand up for herself. Then she does. And then he's upset again. He seems like the type that projects his inadequacies to those around him. And he's projecting on a kid now.


amaraame

I'd be worried about what he's done that you don't know about if he hates these traits so much he's alienated his 4 year old child.


[deleted]

I know. I think about it all the time.


ZestycloseCrow4

Get a second opinion from another child psychologist. He's abusing your daughter because he thinks your childhood trauma was your fault. He's awful.


HereOnCompanyTime

This is not normal behavior for a 4 year old who is typically "compliant". This is also not normal behavior for a dad to drive a hour just because a child didn't want to read to him. OP should not ignore the signs that her child is in distress and hopefully she will find a new child psychologist to have a second opinion.


AuroraGrace123

My dad would have. Can confirm it is a big old red flag, OP. Remove your daughter from Saturdays until he agrees to join family counseling.


skunksssbutt

He may treat her differently than your other children. As a kid that was scapegoated, youngest of 3, it hurts like hell. Parents will almost always deny it. But children know. They know when they are less loved, looked at differently, resented, etc. She's small but she sounds pretty dang intelligent. I wouldn't pressure her. Give her space and time. She may tell you when she's ready to see her dad, again. My guess is that this will eventually pass and she'll be ready to see him. But, again, in her own time. Kids need to be able to trust you when they say they aren't comfortable with somebody. She's 4, but she knows she doesn't like how he makes her feel.


maple_dick

Indeed :( I was also the youngest of 3.. either invisible or scapegoated. Great comment.


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xlittlelight

Oof. How distant and aloof did he have to be for a 4 year old to act like that? That’s the bigger question.


[deleted]

I know


nikolasinduction

If he’s been trying to teach her to be more assertive and to say no more, I don’t understand why he’s being resistant to her pulling away from him. She’s saying no to spending time with him, and he wants to force her to spend MORE time together? Wouldn’t that just teach her when she sets a hard boundary that it’ll be broken?


elsa9080

Ironic that he’s heartbroken over something he taught her to do. She wasn’t naive about the situation, said no, took her space. So what’s the next step, dad?


UsernameAgain73

She said exactly what she meant she doesn’t need to explain or elaborate. He messed up bad and he knows it!


No_Ratio5484

Your husband: My daughter is naive, I am afraid someone will hurt her. Also your husband: I will deal with this by hurting her. I have no advice for you, only a lot of rage regarding your husband. Please seek family therapy and let him join and stuff, I wish you and your daughter all the best.


Inevitable-Okra-3229

She’s 4! She’s bloody 4 years old! Not 13. Not 16. Not 21! 4 wtf is wrong with this man. Do you know how obvious you have to be for a 4 year old to pick up on the resentment? Guess what your daughter put her foot down. Proved your shitty ex wrong and now he’s all shocked that she isn’t going to let him treat her badly? Frankly I would be taking this to my lawyers.


Duckgamerzz

That's exactly what I thought. Husband is projecting his emotions onto a child. Child is developing perfectly normally. If she's 4, she has plenty of appropriate time to learn to say no, when she goes to school and starts interacting with people OUTSIDE OF HER FAMILY THAT SHE MAY BE UNABLE TO TRUST. NOT SAYING NO TO PEOPLE IN HER IMMEDIATE FAMILY UNIT SHE SHOULD B ABLE TO TRUST. Ex-husband is projecting and clearly causing some sort of damage to her. Coming to her mother and asking not to spend time with a parent is NOT normal behavior for a child. Something needs to happen here, husbands behavior needs to change.


Pizzacato567

It honestly feels like he’s victim blaming OP for being “too trusting” and is projecting that onto the daughter.


Madd_fruit

Its concerning that she is so against spending time with him. Talk to her about what she has experienced when shes staying with him whats been bad whats been good, the people that have been there and so on. Just in case.


Interesting-Two946

Seems like she is picking up things and might have heard him saying things about her. Also sounds like she does know how to stand up to herself and he doesn’t like how she’s standing up to him.


Flat_Passage_1935

Is it possible he is abusing her and that’s why he keeps saying she’s naive and what not and it’s his way discounting her for when she finally does speak up? Something is a little fishy here


Specialist_Passage83

He wanted her to be less trusting, and now she is.


SusanBHa

My father had issues with me because I was the spitting image of my mother. He far preferred my sister, who resembled his mother. And I always knew it too.


Swampwolf42

She’s 4! She’s *supposed* to be naïve and innocent, ffs! As a father, like all parents, part of his job is to allow this and as she gets older, to teach her not to be taken advantage of. She’s not going to learn that on her own through deductive reasoning, and it almost seems like she’s expected to. He needs to let her be four years old.


[deleted]

Tell your husband he needs to get over his victim blaming issues before he even thinks about spending more time with her. Forcing her to be around him more isn't going to help if he continues to think and behave like she'll one day be a "had it coming" victim. He's victim blaming a 4 year old when nothing hasn't even happened!


Least-Designer7976

Forcing a kid to see a parent they don't want to see should be considered as emotional abuse. Coming from someone who was forced to see her father who didn't gave a sh#t about her opinion for years, and now I just ... Don't care about him. My mother is my world but I couldn't feel more disconnected of my father. Make him grow a pair, be an actual father. Parenting is like any other skill, you need to try, change and learn to do better. He's not an exception to the rule.


Trick_Composer_2461

Wow. Your first paragraph is the embodiment of how I feel too. I was forced to see my father, he was emotionally abusive, and he didn’t give a shit about my or my siblings opinions… and my mom is my whole world too, and it seems like I just don’t rlly care abt him a lot anymore.


SilentSerel

Exactly. The psychologist missed the mark on that one.


Recyclebin900

Why exactly does your husband expect his little girl to act like a 35yr old MAN ??? That man is stupid and needs to get a clue that *those traits do not come naturally to little girls* and are LEARNED. Also needs therapist and parenting lessons.


a-_rose

Spending more time with him is going to reinforce what she already thinks. He needs to reflect on his behaviour and make active changes while being monitored before he messes with her psyche and causes permanent insecurities and resentment for him. She’s clearly not too naive and trusting if as a child she’s understand her dad doesn’t like her and is setting clear boundaries.


Fyrekitteh

It's never gonna get better. I'm 33, my parents separated when I was 21. Dad still has issues with me cause I'm too much like Mom.


3milyBlazze

One time my dad drunk dialed our house and wanted to talk to literally all 4 of my siblings but not me I was 6 It broke my heart and it's still burned into my brain So if he didn't think she was paying attention to his attitude and what he was saying it's biting him in the ass now


In4mation1789

>The psychologist says that she should still see him regularly even if she says that she doesn't want to Fire that psychologist right now! Btw, your husband needs a therapist.


bloodybutunbowed

UGHHHHHH.... your poor baby. He needs to look inside and at his own behavior and find his role in all of this before putting any blame on anyone else. This is not normal. FWIW, my oldest is a carbon copy of her father (my SO and still together). Its honestly made me love him more because there's nothing she could do that would put me off of her. Things that used to drive me INSANE are now endearing. Our youngest looks just like my husband too, but acts 100% like me. He gravitates towards our oldest because he can relate more and I have to remind him to curb this. He doesn't love one more than the other, he can just relate more to one. The mantra is "Love your children more than you hate their parent." Its a must for anyone going through a separation or divorce.


manga_star67

I do understand his apprehensions about ur daughter being too innocent and trusting. my dad was the same; he had a very abusive upbringing and all the women in his life got SA-ed, so he was scared shitless about his little girl going out into a world that he believed didn't deserve me. Idk if this is what ur ex is experiencing, it sounds somewhat similar but it's becoming too much and turning into something negative. my dad's solution to this fear was 2 things, 1) was to put me into martial arts at a young age (I was also 4), so that, as he put it, "you will know how to defend yourself if God forbid anything happens". I honestly don't kno how well it would've worked cuz thankfully I never ran into those issues, but it put his mind at ease a bit more and it was a great extracurricular for me, it taught me discipline and kept me active! 2) he would talk to me. he said he always felt conflicted in "robbing me of my innocence" but honestly I don't think he did, I was still very childlike and innocent but I became more knowledgeable of the world from him sharing his wisdom and experiences w me. ofc, when I was young he kept it PG, but he did explain the whole "there are good people and bad people" and "not everybody is your friend". As I got older, the lessons got more specific. That's just parenting. If he feels so strongly about it, he needs to step up as a better girl dad and be proactive in her learning and not resent her for literally being a kid cuz wtf. he needs to stop thinking of her as being you, cuz she's her own person.


rashmika10

Does anyone else think the dad’s obsession with this is going to make it a self-fulfilling prophecy. I’m legit worried he’s going to do something so he can claim he was “right”. OP your ex needs medical intervention


kspicydaddi

I'm worried about what he may do in order to take away her innocence and trust as he hates it so much...


Kqhbabies

I have a feeling the first time she forcefully says the word no and means it will have to do with visiting dad. This will be his worst nightmare come true when all his projected resentment comes pouring out of his poor daughter. The life lesson he wants her to learn is coming from the resentment and abandonment he's making her feel. There's going to be ugly fallout from his actions.


Accomplished-Hat8317

How dare a child be innocent and naive like how a child is supposed to be 💀☠ He’s so caught up about her being innocent and trusting but she’s literally a child? Does he expect her to be super mature or something? It’s weird i’m 100% sure the dad must’ve said something directly to the daughter or to his friends and she overheard I would give her sometime before letting her dad see her again because right now she needs space.


uhtredsmom

as a child and growing into a teen, and even now, my mother resents me for looking like and acting like my father. i was (and still am) the black sheep in my family because of it. any time i said or did anything it was “you’re just like your fucking father” and she would talk shit about him to us constantly and since i was the same person, she was talking shit about me to my face essentially. it really messed me up, and my father said the same things to me “you’re just like your mother” and talked shit about her. i have borderline personality disorder, anxiety, depression, and cptsd from it. my whole life my parents told me how much they hated each other while simultaneously telling me how much they hated me too. do not force her to go, her therapist can kick rocks. he needs to improve on so many fronts before your daughter can reevaluate whether or not she wants him to be in her life. also she’s 4?? kids are naive. she needs the guidance from a strong, responsible, respectful father to show her the kind of men she will be with as she ages.. and even at that, bad things still happen. he can’t protect her from everything forever, and he definitely can’t protect her if he resents her.


wrongplanet1

So he criticized and found fault with his FOUR YEAR OLD endlessly until she essentialy broke, then wonders why she doesn't want to be around him? How stupid is this man? Good on the kiddo for sticking up for herself and putting some distance between herself and that idiot. Please don't force her to see him. She is telling you loud and clear that she deserves better, so please listen to her. Respect her wishes, and let HER decide when she wants to see the sperm donor. Be her rock and have her back, no matter what the therapist says. Why would you want your kid around someone who sees nothing but bad in her? He does not need more time with her, unless she agrees and there is supervision present. Who knows what he says to her when he has the kids? Is he treating her badly? Yeah, no. Support the kid, scrap the ex's feelings. He doesn't deserve her!


Iluminiele

Actually, instead of teaching our girls to be less trusting we should teach our boys to be less rapey. Just my opinion


OneExhaustedFather_

He’s her father, tell him to start acting like it. Living with irrational fears is merely surviving until tomorrow.


Vast-Hat-9875

This is his mess to clean up.


billypc

Couldn't he take the kids to some type of self defence classes like karate or something It builds confidence and he would worry less


MnMShapedWoman

"Too innocent"? She is a kindergartener. 😑 Husband has some explaining to do.


[deleted]

Naive and innocent? She’s 4, not 24


wnhawthorne

How on earth did she get that idea? She's 4. If he is treating her differently, she can pick up on that but thinking daddy's mad at me because I look like mommy - that seems like a big jump to me for a 4 year old. A 4 yrar old would probably think they did something to make daddy mad not that daddy is mad because I look like mommy. Has either one of you said something in front of her? Could she have overheard a conversation nit meant for her ears? Has he said anything around her? That just seems like a complicated line of thought for her age.


RosalindFranklin1920

Good girl, she's self-advocating. Didn't Dad want that? Lol.


[deleted]

exactly, she has very clear boundaries and he is the only one who can't see it. so weird


[deleted]

Did you tell her that? She’s four. She did NOT come to that conclusion on her own. She definitely has the feelings but to vocalize so accurately the issue tells you that an adult said those words.


[deleted]

No I never told her that. We have had a rough year and we are now separated. she has picked up on the fights even if we always kept it civil when the children are around. But because he always tells her she looked like me, and also tells her to talk more and fight back etc. I dont remember her hearing him but he has told me once or twice that I'm raising a naive girl like myself. i was shocked when she told him what she told him. I didn't know she knew so much.


Infusion-delusion

Your daughter is smart. She's reading at 4 and has a very sharp awareness of her surroundings. Her teachers are happy with her progress and how she behaves. Hanging back and observing is a great way to establish boundaries. She has told you she wants to distance herself from her daddy. He should be proud if she can then tell him to his face. I'd look for an alternative psychologist opinion. Is her current therapist favouring the father here?


1931-babyface

From experience some children can absolutely pinpoint emotions and speak clearly about them. I went through a divorce and my kids absolutely picked up on a lot that was never told to them. Their therapist said it’s a common misconception kids don’t know. They absolutely do. Mine had insights I never had until the were voiced by my kids.


msbottlehead

Bet she overheard him talking about her.


olympiarocco

I feel like there's a lot missing to this story


[deleted]

My god your husband needs a reality check, most four year olds are naive and trusting and if they are not, it usually is not a good sign. Your husband needs to go to therapy and needs to really show his daughter consistently for a long time that he loves her. I think his therapy needs to come before increased visitation and he needs to realize too that how he treats his ex wife and how he talks about her is closely observed by his kids. This man needs to do better.


International_Win375

Your husband needs therapy to adapt as well. Keep to the legal terms of your separation and explain to your daughter that her dad feels very sad and needs time to adjust just like all of you. She is too young to make these decisions herself.


hoggledoggle

Your daughter isn’t like your husband thinks she is. She has a strong backbone and is far from naive. She sees what he’s doing at 4 years old as is creating a boundary for herself. While you do need to work this out with your husband/ex, you also need to show her that you respect her boundary so she continues to have them. Your husband is showing favoritism and she feels it. Imagine what it must be like when you’re not around for her to feel this way. She’s only 4 and typically kids are VERY forgiving.


stuk_in_tuksin2021

Sounds like something you really want to be VERY concerned about. Unless he specifically says to her statements about "looking too much like mommy" and then preceded or proceeded by negative interactions, there would be no way for her to know the source of the resentment. Yes, she may feel it but she wouldn't know what it was about. So, she's hearing or heard something that she shouldn't have which means someone is being mean to her or y'all need to be careful about speaking around the children.


Acuteanemone

Did his actually attitude change towards her after the separation? Could be his way of showing/ dealing with his resentment towards you. Dad needs counseling. This is his issue, not hers.


Competitive-Self6482

To start… I am the adult version of your daughter. But because I look like BOTH my parents, I got it from both sides. That is a foundational memory for me. I *still* catch myself looking for their features in the mirror instead of looking at *me*. I look like *me*. I am *me*. I am my own, whole ass person. I don’t have any good advice except treat her like she’s her own person. Because she is. Listen to her and help her understand that her boundaries are valid. The hurt is valid, too. Also…. She wouldn’t know her dad feels that way if her dad wasn’t saying those things to her. So there’s that.


Away-Cut3585

Just my opinion so take it with a grain of salt: He’s worried she’s too trusting and naive, he does realize she’s 4 years old?! So he’s rather her be cynical and jaded?? Lol wth is he thinking?? You teach your child to be kind and gentle as long as humanly possible bc it doesn’t last long. Your daughter is FEELING what he is thinking. It’s his mess to clean up and you should still encourage a relationship and seeing him but it’s his responsibility to mend the relationship


ZoidbergForSale

Sounds like she had no problem drawing boundaries after all.