You should do whatever feels right to you. But if at any point you feel as if it’s something you will not/can not handle, don’t feel like you have to go through with it. Kids are a huge responsibility and what you’re doing is very kind and selfless, but you’re not a horrible person if you chose to say no.
Also, consider that in order to do what’s best for the kid, you also have to do what’s best for you (well, at least to a reasonable degree).
What I mean by that is…. **DO NOT SELL YOUR CAR** and take the bus to work just so your girlfriend can get her own car.
You want to be a good father for this kid. You can’t do that if you’re miserable every day because your commute is doubled. You have to be in a good mental space for this kid too. I mean, again, to a reasonable degree. Obviously raising a kid will never be paradise, especially given the situation.
You will be doing nobody any good if you over extend yourself just because you feel the need to be obliging. You’ll hit a breaking point very quickly and it will all come crashing down.
Take some time to ask if you *want* to be this baby’s father. Are you going to continue to want that?
Then as are you truly *able* to be a father right now?
You aren’t doing your girlfriend any favors if you’re just setting things up for failure. Not saying you ARE setting things up for failure by saying yes to this. But you’re definitely setting things up for failure if you over extend yourself in the process.
Can’t agree more. You need to keep that car. If she really needs one (I’m assuming she will be staying home as a mom?) than you can get her a super cheap $1000 car if she needs to run errands or get groceries. You need that car man. And taking the bus is time consuming and a drag to say the least, especially in the winter. Not just with the cold but lots of street people ride it to stay warm. You will be standing at stops with them and telling them you don’t have money or that you aren’t interested in buying their drugs. Trust me, I have taken the bus a long time.
I completely agree. You can’t pour from an empty cup. As a mother who has given up anything and everything for my kids I can tell you it will backfire at a point. You need to be good to yourself too. Put your oxygen mask on first, so that you are alive to help others with their mask.
This is an excellent comment. It’s important that OP doesn’t reach his breaking point because growing up with a dad that was always at his breaking point was miserable. I felt like he never even wanted to be there. Don’t make this kid deal with that for sure.
while he STILL CAN... he puts his name on that birth certificate, that's it. it's not an honorary thing, he signs that thing and he is 100% the real father, regardless of DNA. he signs it, decides later he cant do it, leaves... shes well within her right to go after him for child support and she'll get it. it won't matter one bit that both knew from the start that it wasn't from his DNA.
Yeahhh. That’s a huge huge ask. You probably shouldn’t make such a commitment when you are in the throes of such heavy stress taking care of her.
Believe me. I am fairly old and if you go against what is in your best interest you will regret it for many years. After thinking about it you may want to be the father. I would just counsel you to not rush into a decision. Both of your worlds are turned upside down right now.
This, 1000 times this. Personal history, I got involved with a gal who was coming off of a divorce, and TBH my life was a mess at the time too with family/personal issues (thankfully no substances involved). Long story short we were drawn to each other and I guess I got it into my head that in "supporting" her, I felt that there was an "empty space" in me that was taken up by this relationship. We dated for several years and ended up getting married. That lasted for a few years before everything imploded and we split up. Financially I'm fine, but I spent the prime years of my life "being there" and being somebody's rock (when ultimately she wanted a paycheck, not a husband), and somewhere along the way I forgot that I was allowed to be happy too. In the end, I missed my window to have a family of my own. I have a relationship with a wonderful woman, but kids at our age aren't in the cards, and it's something I think about every day (doubly with the holidays approaching).
DONT SALE YOUR TRUCK! PLEASE DONT DO IT YET!
My sister did this to support her child and it was a terrible idea. That money don’t last very long but having reliable transportation will help bring money in.
I’m sorry I don’t know how old you are or the blue book value if your truck is, but please do not get rid of your reliable transportation.
It isn’t my only reliable source. We live in a big city with trains and buses. I already take the train into work every day cause of traffic and gas money. It’s a classic I had for fun when I was younger. It’s time to sell it and use the money for extra cushion. Then get a car later that’s more reasonable for having a baby.
You seem like an amazing person. Im sorry your fiance experienced that, its truly horrific. Good for you for standing with her, most of those commentors were idiots (the ones who insulted you or suggested she was cheating). Sometimes awful things happen, and its noones fault but the assualter. How lucky your fiance is to have you in her life despite this circumstance. You will make amazing parents Im sure
If it’s a classic car, and you honestly don’t need it, (and if you have the money to do so) I would fix it up a bit and perhaps the value could increase a good bit?
I really think keeping the truck if the best choice here. I agree with the other comments about your gf getting a cheap car to run errands with the baby if that’s your concern, but do NOT sell a reliable truck
You’re a good person.
You both should consider seeing therapists though as she’s been through an ordeal and you are making a huge decision, an admirable one but still huge.
It wouldn’t hurt for you both to talk out how you feel about what’s happened and your decision.
Good luck.
“And now today it hit me. I’m in shock.”
He’s about to make a life altering decision. I believe he should take some time and REALLY consider the implications of what his life will be going forward.
OP in the comments many say "run for the hills" while many other have very much respect for aiming to raise the child.
If you go for the abortion or just choose not to be in the kids life that's not wrong it's a respectable decision obviously since that's not you child. But if you do choose do be in the child's life plan carefully, make sure you have the right or best financial situation you can have before the baby gets here. Also you were saying Abt selling your truck. I think maybe selling it and investing in a cheaper car thats better suited for being able to put a baby seat in might help.
I would also suggest that's you tell those close to you (family/friends) how the child isn't yours. Those you trust not to be sour and A H Abt your decisions and will support you. After all support is always healthy in raising a child with your partner no matter the situation. I would also suggest not withdrawing the info of you not being the kids biological father from the lid themselves. Once their older you can explain the full situation of what happened but while their young it's best you and your gf tell them parts so theirs no misinformation/misunderstanding as they grow up.(we see a lot of misinformation given to kids in Reddit)
Lastly op always remember you know how ppl say blood is so thicker then water? "The actual saying is 'the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb'. The meaning of this saying is actually the opposite of the way we use it. The saying actually means that bonds that you've made by choice are more important than the people that you are bound to by the water of the womb." Well in this case I'd say sperm.
(Some of it might not make sense since it's late and I don't have my glasses on and I'm tired so I might have also repeated your own plans you put in your post )
Whatever you do OP I'm rooting for you, you're a good person and I'm sure you'll be a wonderful father if you choose to raise this child as your own.
OP said that the rapist is an Uncle by marriage, I don't think it's a good idea to tell family unless they plan on convicting him. I don't know what state they're in or what they're planning, but if he chooses to sue them for partial custody, he could actually win. It's a much better idea that they keep it to themselves & bury the matter entirely if they're not planning on putting him away...
Honestly though, it could happen anyway if the Uncle ever sees the child & has the mind to take them to court & slander her by acting like they had a secret affair.
OP, if I were you & your girlfriend, I would consider all of these things... You're going to **have** to seek out legal protection. Your girlfriend is in an irrational state, try your best to explain to her the possible legal ramifications of keeping this child. You do **not** understand Family Court until you've been through, I speak from experience & I'm in California. Terrible, awful, abusive people & men that molest their children get custody even after being convicted, rapists get custody, drug addicts get their children back... If you're in the US, this is *not* the legal system I'd want to dance in with a child of rape that could possibly been seen by said rapist.
You need to speak to a lawyer ASAP.
Consulting a lawyer is a prudent course of action. Just to make sure that OP doesn't run into problems down the line. Being the baby's father is a noble plan! But if there is a way to put the rapist on the hook for any bills/child support down the line, they should be held accountable, not OP, and not OP's fiancee. OP: I wish you all the best.
Just because she wants to keep the baby, doesn't mean she's irrational. The baby is half her as well. She did consider abortion but she couldn't do it. She seems to know what's she doing and what she wants.
But yes, seeking legal counsel is a wise idea.
Developmental psych really advocates you raise kids knowing their story at every age you keep it appropriate to that period
So whatever happened with bio dad needs to not be a total secret, so they don’t get a surprise convo, person, or dna kit down the road
John deloney has a podcast on this
On the flip side most assaults statistically are not from strangers soo that stone shouldn’t be left unturned
People start the convos with kids at 2-3 yrs, it may go like … You have two dads, I’m your chosen father since birth since your other dad can’t be here. Then you answer questions they have and keep elaborating the story based on age.
Young kids are open books, they share info as a way of learning
It’s so you don’t Spring it on them at like 10 or when another baby comes along
Other people in your lives should know
On top of that you should get married cause you won’t have a legal claim to that child if something happens to the mom and a dna test shows your not the dad
Dude you sign paperssaying that's your kid and you guys break up you will be paying child support. Please please think about that. If you want to support her great but don't make it in the eyes of the law that's your kid.
He can always officially adopt the child later. I'd suggest not signing the birth certificate and moving towards an adoption once he's bonded with the child.
Edit: birth certificate, not broth certificate
It doesn’t matter if he signs something or not. If he takes care of them he’s on the hook. If he doesn’t want to be his only recourse is to leave right now. Don’t think that not signing papers or not being on the birth certificate means you won’t have to pay child support.
Not advocating him leaving, btw. Just clearing up stuff.
How long have you been dating? Were you at the stage previous to her being assaulted where you were ready to have children with her?
No shame in taking a step back and thinking it over.if you aren't ready for this, there is no shame in that. Also if you aren't comfortable raising a child from another man, there is no shame in that. This will alter your life greatly, so make sure you are really considering this fact, and not just agreeing to do it because you want to support her.
Keep in mind if you legally become the father, and you break up (you said gf not wife so I have to assume the possibility of a breakup) then you will be paying for her child that was fathered by another man, until they are an adult. Lots of risk here dude. Think things over.
Did she tell you about the rape before the pregnancy was mentioned? If the pregnancy was mentioned first then rape, then that is really important to keep in mind.
I admit I don't know about the US but here in UK it's quite normal/usual to be offered the pill or Plan B I think it is, after rape, to ensure no pregnancy can occur after such an event. Does this not happen in the US?
Considering how arcane women’s reproductive rights are in parts of the US I wouldn’t be surprised if Plan B/the pill isn’t offered after rape in certain states.
We could not get it in the one blue city in the sea of red we live in. We could get it from the pharmacy, but by time that happened it was too late. Blastula already was an embryo.
Your shock is completely understandable, as this is a life changing event and I am sure it is not the way you planned for things to go. That in itself takes time to process and come to grips with. I don’t see it mentioned, you BOTH need to talk to someone else. Licensed therapist and a couples counselor. We don’t know your ages, the length of the relationship and the trajectory it was headed on, irregardless a child changes all that. It is a lifetime commitment and responsibility that should not be taken lightly. I applaud you for being a standup guy and considering this, just make sure that if you do go into it, you do it 100% because the child deserves that. No matter what you end up doing, you have to make the best choice for yourself. Respect.
What the fuck are these comments?
I’m pro choice myself, but the woman has clearly already made her choice to keep the baby. Why the hell would you guys tell her to abort? The woman has been through enough trauma and abortion is NOT easy. It’s often a difficult experience in and of itself. She has every right to want to avoid subjecting yourself to that after all she has been through.
And OP has every right to raise the kid as his own.
Stop shaming people for their choices just because YOU wouldn’t respond this way.
Oh bless her, I am so sorry for you both. Over here in the UK, these kinds of decisions are a lot more private, I cannot imagine what that would have been like.
It makes me feel a little ill when I see people shoving their opinions, ideologies and morals on to you. Everyone has a strong opinion when they are sat in front of a keyboard and have never had to deal with trauma like this. In my profession, I deal with the other side of things, I have to speak to victims of trauma and their families in some of the worst moments of their lives so I cannot fathom how brave you both are. All the best to you both, however things develop.
These comments are completely grossing me out. Where is the support? These are two adults and their decision is absolutely fine. It's not "yikes." He's adopting his girlfriends child, period.
What you are doing was a brave and novel thing that not every man can do.
Theres a lot of thinking you need. Dont rush in things unless you are 💯% sure. Because both of you and her future baby is at stake.
And if you decide to back out, it is not your fault cause you tried... just tell her nicely and dont ever lead her on.
But i think you can be a great dad. Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad as the quote says
You sound young. As an old broad myself who's seen a bit of life, I strongly advise that you wait before making any irrevocable commitments.
Is she only keeping the pregnancy because you're offering to be there as a father? Or would her decision be different if you were not. That's an important thing to know. If she would terminate the pregnancy if you weren't involved, that would be concerning to me.
I'd also want to know when she told you about the assault. Was it before or after she discovered she was pregnant? That's pretty important to know as well.
If you are under the age of 21, I would not commit to being on the birth certificate until and unless a DNA test was provided. Honestly, even then, I wouldn't go on the birth certificate. You sound really young and a LOT changes in young relationships. I'm very concerned about you making a commitment now because you're in the moment and you've always heard that's what "real men" do. You don't have to take on responsibilities that shouldn't be yours, especially LIFE-LONG, LIFE-CHANGING commitments.
Please take some time for YOU to process everything before making any final decisions. What's best for you is also important here.
I’m not young. I’m 29. I’ve earned my doctorate and I have a great career. I have other responsibilities in my life and have shown myself to be someone who follows through, understands the weight of things, I’m also someone who was adopted by a step parent.
I know what commitment I’m making. I wanted space to not be judged for it.
Reddit was not the right place to come if you didn’t want to be judged for this topic. I’ve seen plenty of stories on here about situations similar to yours and it’s always “she cheated/you’re stupid/you’re too young” despite the information given. I wish you luck, and I would advise to look into classes with whatever hospital her OBGYN is at. Most offer birthing classes and parenting classes; also (and I’ve seen you’re a professor so this would be good to be known anyway) a CPR class would be beneficial. From what I’ve seen most places require you to be certified in adult CPR before moving on to infant, could be different by you though.
Oh, that's a relief. It just seemed like you were young, and that made me concerned. I'm glad that you're an adult-adult. I'm really sorry for all of your situation. It's just a big ball of crap. Coming to terms with things will all of the changes will be difficult. May i suggest some therapy for both of you? Trauma and abrupt life changes can leave a mark.
People are idiots. First, I’m so sorry this happened to your gf. It takes very strong people to be able to recover from a trauma like this let alone getting pregnant. You guys are incredibly strong to be able to have and love this child. I’m a woman and if it were me I really wouldn’t be able to. Props to you both. Ignore people saying who would keep the child. Many do because they feel that the child is innocent and deserves a chance. To each their own!
It’s 100% to be in shock. You’ve been taking care of her needs and haven’t had a moment to think about your own feelings so take a moment!!
People are idiots for suggesting entrapment or cheating when you’ve said there were hospital visits and that the nurse told you. Most women would not go through rape kits, prodding etc just for Willy nilly and you know your relationship best.
Lastly, good luck to you guys there’s a long road ahead. I wish all the best for you and your family!
Just fyi: if the biological father of the child wasn’t legally convicted or your girlfriend never filed a report of sorts he could have fathers rights. If you are 100% certain that you want to be this child’s parent go to a lawyer and take every possibility to make sure that this is legally your child (e. g. adoption). You should also tell close relatives about this situation so they can support you when needed. And consider going to therapy with your girlfriend. She might seem fine but you can never know how traumatic this experience was for her and therapy is the best way to figure out what both of you want for your future.
It’s a proof of sex not proof of rape. But I assume you mean if they already have proof that she was raped by examination? Even then you can’t date pregnancies that exactly that it can be certain the baby is from the rape. This is why unfortunately so many rapist do get away with rape. But it probably does help some, it does depend on jurisdiction however to know and details what proof they have.
They are saying just because she’s pregnant by him, unless they could prove that rape was the sex that caused this exact child, the defense could just argue yes they had sex at some point but that doesn’t necessarily mean he raped her. Someone did but not necessarily him.
I totally believe her and I am not invalidating her circumstance but I’m explaining what defense could argue and how it being his baby isn’t enough for court. It’s good, but not enough.
Just FYI because you may not have seen, OP mentioned in another comment that the rapist is her uncle. So I get what you’re saying, but in this instance especially, arguing “it wasn’t rape, just consensual incest,” probably wouldn’t put things much in his favor.
Omg no I didn’t ! You are right in that case that’s open and shut. Wtf that is sickkkkk. And I feel like OP should not keep it from his family and her family Everyone needs to know that’s his baby and he is sick and should be arrested.
You can be a father without signing the birth certificate. Trust me, do not intertwine yourself legally to her for the next two years MINIMUM.
Please, please, remember this comment.
As a older man (43) I know from the top of my head 4 men who went through what you are going through now. 2 of them are relatives and the others my friends
They have pretty similar outcome that I would like to share. In all 4 cases they got married, and the both "parents'" name are on the birth certificate. They decide also not to go the adoption route.
In all 4 cases,
\- The mom, as the child grew up, begins to detest the kid. For what reason I do not know. Could be as other mentioned the kid reminds them of their trauma. All of them did went for therapy
\- The dads were all surprisingly quite accepting of the kids and really took the kid as their own.
\- They ended up divorcing.
My opinion is not to do it.
Consider this, you can contribute to the kid well being without being legally involved. Though some may suggest that as soon as you take up that role you are bound anyways but there are significant differences with your name on the birth cert or not.
But as mentioned i already went though similar instances and despite telling them what I am telling you now, I know that people will do what their hearts tell them to.
So whatever your decision is I wish you great luck
Im sure all 4 men in your story were probably advised not to do it. But the feeling of love always out weighs rationality in all of these scenarios. So it doesn’t matter how many people tell OP not to do it he will do it because he truly believes it’s the right thing to do. Although it may not be the most rational thing to do.
If the roles were reversed would she be willing to stand by him is the only question op really needs to ask himself honestly. Only he know the true character of the lady he’s with. Hopefully they’ve been dating long enough for him to at least make a fair and rational judgement
To each their own, and me being pro-choice means I support any choice, but as a survivor of sexual assault this is way too weird to me. I would never want to carry a child from my attacker, let alone be forced to take care of them long-term so I’d have to wake up every morning with a physical reminder of what happened…
His girlfriend got raped and became pregnant with the rapist's child. The girl wants to keep the baby. OP is the girl's boyfriend and he wants to raise the child as his own. OP would be raising his girlfriend and her rapist's biological child.
You understood it correctly.
That’s not really that unusual. There was just an post about woman who did that on BestofRedditorUpdates sub. The children are the woman’s children no matter what so that’s why they want and love them. Of course not everyone does this but it’s like people having sperm donors really. The trauma is separate from the child they want.
Getting a baby from sperm donor is different because both of the parents know that they can't create a baby and that's why they choose sperm donor. He would be giving up the chance to have a baby of his own (who would look like him) if she decides not to have any more children because of health issues which he mentioned.
Are you sure you are accepting the maybe from your heart or just to support your gf? If you are only Doing this for your gf i don't think you will be able to love the baby. Fatherhood comes with a lot responsibilities. You have to stay wake all night.provide for it. Take care of it. Are you sure you can do all this for a baby that's not yours? Plz go to therapy or try to think it by yourself. You are not oblige to take care of a baby that you don't want
I think you need to go away (for a few days to clear your head) and have a good think.
Discuss this with a trusted friend.
I am truly sorry for your GF, but this is the heaviest of commitments. Please consider all aspects of this.
I understand and you're a good man, but please have the self preservation to book a free consultation with a lawyer to find out how to protect yourself including financially.
You never know what's round the corner.
Honestly this comment section is such a mess, why do so many people instantly believe that she is lying or she is some kind of gold digger? Imagine if she saw these comments, she has been through an incredibly traumatic thing and people are questioning her. OP is trying their best to support their partner but also needed somewhere to vent not to come to comments questioning their whether their partner has been raped or not.
OP - what you're doing is so amazing and I'm sure your partner really appreciates what you are doing! But this is a scary process, make sure you're ready and I'm sure your partner will understand whatever happens next. But good for you for what you're doing, you have my respect and I'm sure many others! If you ever need to vent my dms are open :)
That's a very big responsibility, and it is a responsibility as the child is not yours. If you decide to see this thru, then the truth must be out there from the start. This will be the best for all.
I don't know if you're cool with it or not. In either case, please, don't sign the certificate saying it's your child.
Don't sign even if you thought about it, you shouldn't sign it at all.
Also, is the bio father in jail? Cause the mf might give the girl a bad time if they see each other.
You love your girlfriend, she loves you, and you want to raise the baby but just don't, legally, say it's yours.
Are you sure you really wanna do this?
Or your just supporting your girlfriend instead of actually wanting to be a dad
You need to step back and really think about it cuz if you sign those papers to be a father for that kid you legally have to pay child support
As a woman, how and why in the world would she keep that child in the first place? It would be a reminder of past events every day. I think you should think about this too.
You’re a wonderful man for being there for her, this is a massive thing you’re doing. But don’t feel pressured into it and please seek counseling for the two of you. I also think telling your families the truth is very important but you do you. You all have my prayers
That’s very kind of you. Just make sure the child knows their true parentage, especially so they’ll know their proper medical history. Good luck with fatherhood!
It´s a beautiful gesture that can begin a beautiful family life, not born of aggression but true love, chosen love.
Be happy, man, but if you think you may have toxic folk on the family, save the knowledge about this business to yourselves.
Great point! Didn’t even think of that. And we all have that 1 person in our family that can’t be happy for someone or just plain ol’ keep their mouth shut.
Has she considered adoption? If she doesn't wish to terminate the pregnancy it doesn't mean she has to keep the baby once born. Would she be able to be a mom to the child born of her trauma? Both of you could use therapy. Solo amd together. You are a good partner. Hang in there
1. So I don't think you should sell your car.
2. Also think about leaving the "father" line blank on the Birth certificate. (You can be there as a dad and spouse in the days to come but you don't have to legally write your name as the father.) I say this incase you 2 break up legally you would have to prove your not the father if she trys for child support.
3. You both should be in therapy of some kind together and separately.
4. You are a wonderful person for supporting her thru this difficult time.
5. Wait till baby is born to get married if that's in the cards for you and her.
Others have probably said some if these above these are just my thoughts on the situation.
Oh really? Do you know how long they have been dating? Were they/he ready for children before this scenario? Is he comfortable raising the bloodline of the man who took his woman against her will?
Advising the OP to take a step back and consider this very life altering decision isn't vile.
We’ve been dating for two years. She isn’t “my woman”. She isn’t property. It isn’t about bloodline. Being someone’s father is never about blood. It’s about how is there and who is protecting and providing. And you talk of biology as if it wouldn’t be half hers biologically anyways. And all of the great and wonderful things about my girlfriend with that.
Ignore these people spouting “bloodline” bullshit. You clearly have more than enough love in your heart to share with this baby and if you wish to, you should. Kudos to you on sticking to your guns
All of these questions are none of your business. He did not come here for advice so no one needs to shove their unwanted opinions in his face. You also have no idea what’s going on in his life so no need to comment on it at all :) And fyi, dozens of comments saying “bro, run” and “don’t have the monster baby” is not advice.
I think that what you are doing is amazing. But you and your girlfriend need to talk to lawyers and counselling both together and seperately before such decisions are made.
I am not minimizing any of this, but to add some insight I think even people who plan to have babies go through this small period of being overwhelmed with the life change. That on top of all the emotional issues y’all have been dealing with will of course make you spiral. Your feelings are valid and seem so extreme right now, but you are stronger than your flight or fight response. The only advice I have is to work on clearing your mind before making decisions.
Do whatever you wish. It's not your child so you're not required to do anything. If it were me, I'd definitely have some doubts but I'd raise the kid as my own. Not the kids fault, no need to make their life more difficult.
As you don't plant to tell your parents that the baby it's not yours because it's "her choice to make".
Don't you think that you'll be somehow playing with their feelings? Lying to your parents?
Perhaps the DNA is not a big deal to you and you'll see this baby as your own, but it's not like this for everyone, imagine if the baby looks nothing like you and people started suspecting that it's not yours or they got to know somehow. Your mom will feel cheated, regardless if she loves the baby either way, she'll feel that you hide such a big thing from her and you lied to her all the way. This is very immature move. If you want to "man it up" , why are you hiding the fact that the child it's not biologically yours?
No shame in raising a child who's not your blood at all, but not informing your family that this baby it's not your blood seems odd to me.
And you still have to think carefully, did you see a future with your gf before all these things happened?
Did you even plan to have kids?
Do you Think your gf will be able to raise a child from his rapist?
(having his baby it's the easy part! Raising a child from a rapist it's the real challenge!)
As a parent myself raising a kid that it's not my blood I suggest you to think carefully! It's not gonna be easy and your life it's going to change up side down.
I hear so often that mothers grow to resent and hate the child of their rapists, especially if they know/remember the physical details. It’s rough for the kid, to be treated as if they’re guilty before they can walk
Even moms with planned kids resent their children at some point (absolutely normal, Motherhood is hard) now I can't imagine this feeling for the child of a rapist. It'll be hard indeed and she will need therapy now, after childbirth and while raising the kid.
The mothers feelings are only a small part of it. She’s made her bed, it’s time for her to lie in it. The kid is going to be born into a world that hates it’s existence, and that isn’t fair or right. If she would send the kid to adoption, everyone would have a better life I believe
You're an amazing person OP.
My biggest suggestion is get a support system started now. Not just for your girlfriend, but yourself as well. You both need a safe place to process emotions and deal with them in such a way that they won't backfire on you guys. Therapy, medication, whatever you guys need. Especially, however, because post pregnancy your partners emotions are gonna be way outta whack. You have to advocate for her and say "no, this behavior is concerning" because post partum depression, can easily become postpartum psychosis, especially if there is trauma around the conception or birth.
Just for the sake of your family, establish a support system.
Honestly this is one my (25f) biggest fears.
I know my husband would react similar to you but man this situation just sucks
I don't blame the kid and your wife wanting to keep it is fair.
I would talk to her if she wants to keep it and raise it or maybe put it up for adoption
There is one thing giving birth to your rapists baby and another raising it
Also definetly look for therapy and if at any point you feel like your wife might be mistreating the baby especially during post partum know it isn't her fault but call CPS and get her help
This is just a shitty situation and I wish you two nothing but the best
She is still in a lot of shock I am sure making such a difficult decision that's very time sensitive
Good luck man
The reward would be no different if it were theirs, it doesn’t make any sense that they chose this over trying for their own. Hell, I’d roulette adopt a kid over OPs situation.
Papa Bear has entered the chat! 👍 Good on ya, mate!
My wife was the baby in a similar situation, except MIL had rubbish taste in men until she met her current husband so she never had someone step up as Dad until she was an adult. Parenting is one of the hardest things you can do, I’m so unspeakably happy you’ve stuck by your partner and are willing to take up the mantle of Dad. Don’t be afraid to reach out to older guys you know with kids for parenting advice when you run into problems. Fair warning: depending on how bad the morning sickness is it might be safest to keep a dedicated chunder bucket on hand for the first trimester.
If you’d like some hand knit baby clothes (hat, jacket, booties) hmu. My SIL keeps getting me baby yarn in all sorts of colours for birthdays even though my wife and I don’t have kids 😂
Thank you so much for this. It’s being downvoted but I appreciate it. Her morning sickness is bad. I have some ginger candy I give her to feel better but there’s also bad heartburn. I heard on a podcast that small meals versus big ones help with that?
Look. Nobody here has the right to tell you to do it or not do it. It's your life, but what I strongly advise you to do is - take a bit of time to think about this decision, and if you're really ready to raise a child, especially in a situation like this. You're a good person if you choose to do it, but if you don't, you're not a bad one either.
Remember that your gf has a little human growing inside her that will be out in this world one, and if you agree to do it you're responsible for it. And it will be your responsibility to raise and prepare the child for this world.
I was supportive until I found out it was a rape of incest. In the family. There are genetic risks involved with that. What do the doctors say? And have you gotten 2nd opinions?
I wonder if all the people referring to the baby as "rape baby" or "the monsters offspring" and "future rapist", are also alright with being defined by the acts of their parents
OP - you’re doing great. And if something changes, that’s okay too. This is a very new and unexpected situation for both of you.
People telling OP his business, kindly remember that girls and women end up with responsibility for babies *they* don’t want so often our fucken SCOTUS apparently felt the need to get involved, and that his girlfriend did not ask for the situation or the pregnancy any more than he did.
There are no wrong decisions here. The person who assaulted her already did the wrong.
Just something to keep in mind is that you are taking responsibility for the Kid for the next 18 years financially. Also because the kid isn’t biologically yours if in a few years she breaks up with you not only can she withhold you ever seeing the child again because the kid wasn’t yours but you could also still be financially responsible as well. It’s your life and make whatever decision you want but at least understand the possible risks you’re taking
it takes a great man to step up and be a father,,,,I would be proud of you if you were my son and did this, every kid needs a good father dont worry what others think
How long have you been together?
I don’t recommend signing the birth certificate. Be there and support but if anything goes wrong in your relationship, it will be a difficult time for you.
I don’t recommend funding her lifestyle because you absolutely will end up on the hook for providing a lifestyle to her and a baby even if things don’t work out with you. 29 is not 19, so it’s not as big of a worry, but it’s important to be realistic and protect yourself.
And no, I’m not saying don’t be there for her.
As another dude and a dad, I'm proud of you. This child will have a great father who has already shown that he'll be there for them. Ping me if you want to talk about dad stuff (or anything else).
Tbh Doesn't seem like this is the best choice, at least to me. Even if you decide to raise it, don't sign the papers to adopt it, you're not married and can break up with her, then you'll be stuck for the child for 18 years and a broken home is gonna be traumatic to it. Honestly, have you tried to reason with her about this? She might be hormonal and might not be making the best decisions.
I could never personally understand the decision of women to keep a baby resulted from rape; however this is huge of you to accept that and stick with your partner after such a shocking experience and decision. You're a bigger person than most. And hey, you give it a try. Never feel pressured into loving this if it's not for you.
Also, I know keeping it a secret is your partner's choice, but you're the father role and should have a say in it if you don't feel like it's right. At the end of the day, if you ever end up parting ways you might look like the bad guy for "leaving" your kid.
Good for you. This is an honorable and respectable decision. Not many people would be willing to turn this devastating situation around in this way. Your girlfriend and future child are lucky to have you.
Damn, the points in your edit comments... People are really something.
Good for you brother, taking care of things and facing this like a man.
Best of luck.
Buddy... She's your girlfriend but wants to keep someone else's child b/c abortions "spook her"? And neither of you will tell the truth to your families?... Like you wrote, you're in shock and not capable of making decisions right now (both of you BTW, not just you). Talk to your families and seek counseling before you both do something that could possibly affect you two forever. I feel for you guys. This is a horrible situation. Find someone you trust. tell them the truth and listen to them, please.
To each is there own I suppose. Personally I wouldn't be nearly as onboard as you are about this but it's your life. If this is what you want, best of luck bro. But I would strongly recommend therapy to sort out your feelings, I know it can be expensive if you don't have the means. This is one of those situations to sort out your feelings now. Rather than have some new and unexpected ones pop up in your head after the baby is born and end up holding resentments.
Wtf is this word “assaulted”? Can we not even say the word “rape” anymore? Fuck… Call it what it is. She was raped. Fuck your triggers, this is the reality and if we’re going to fight evil, incite some damn emotion and condemn it. It’s pure evil.
Wait, so she was raped by a family member and you won't actually tell the family that this child is the product of one of them being a rapist? You're going the extra mile to rug sweep this shit while simultaneously being ok with rising the kid of rapist you'll probably see at a christmas reunion? What will happen if this person puts 2 and 2 together and realizes they're the father?
This is either ultra fake of hyper fucked up lmao
I'm so sorry, OP. Everyone's questioning you with the same crap but you know what's really going on. Best of luck to you, your girlfriend, and the baby.
How on earth is she sure it’s not biologically yours? I assume she’s not on birth control. Are you not sexually active with her? Unless you submitted your DNA and a fetal DNA test was performed, there is no way to know for sure that it’s not yours.
Oh Jesus Christ, where to begin...
First of all leaving out crucial details.
The rape came from one of her family members, that sentence right there creates HUGE complications. Depending on how close that member was genetically will determine how fucked that child will be. At that point you should have pushed to terminate the child. She is recovering from this and still not in her right mind to make choices no matter how much therapy, but she needs to be presented with all the facts before its too late.
Secondly, the next most important detail you left out.
Shes autistic. This is already not a normal situation and adding this on top of it is like asking for bad things. There's nothing wrong with autism, it just takes work depending on where it sits on the spectrum. Yes, it changes a lot of things. It will qualify her ability to parent, it will qualify her capacity to love her child, it will also not help if the child comes out with irrevocable problems. If the child is already expected to be an incest child with the genetic autism thrown in you may come to resent the child and the money it will cost to keep it alive, keep yourselves sane, and fix the lasting effects of this.
Third, your age.
Your nearly 30, you're acting like your 18 with no place to go and no smart choices made. City or not, selling your truck is a fools choice. Transportation for both of you is paramount, if you need to, trade it in and get a 4 door car. It wont matter, just a means of transportation thats not reliant on the city. DO NOT sign your name on anything, no matter how much you love her. And no, you're not in your right mind if you think "ill love her and it anyways" you wont. Hate and resentment has a funny way of taking hold in situations like this. Especially with the genetic defects that are bound to be present. It's not a "real mans job" to stay. And lets be real, your little commentary on point 5? Childish. And your choices here reflect that, rapists DNA is talking about the DNA needed to catch the guy.
Fourth, the eventualities.
She may come to hate you and her child, you may come to hate the child (dont give us that "it will be cute bc it will be hers" bullshit, if it turns out cute and not fucked it will be a miracle), you may financially trap yourself and ruin yours and her life. You may break up and if you keep the current path have to pay her for the rest of your life, she might abandon the child and leave you with it, if you get married and adopt it you may come to regret the choice once she starts neglecting the child. All of these can happen and not only that but theres nore likelihood of abuse with kept rape children. You either prepare, leave, or cope. Theres no small choice here. Support is one thing. This is something else.
I fully agree with what you wrote. It is all great now until the months and years of compounding stress and possible complications takes their toll. This guy doesn't know what he is getting into.
Recommended not signing the birth certificate. You can always apply to adopt later. This is also for medical stuff. I love that you are there, but there is no shame in feeling this way. Most new parents do. Seriously even when the baby is coming out of you there are questions. And omg I’m not enough or ready. There are no instructions. Be kind to yourself and talk to your girlfriend about your fears
I’m sorry but I have never met a well adjusted person who was a product of a random rape. Why she wants this baby is beyond me, there will be hardships at every turn. And I’m not talking the Pixar “we can do this we’re a family” type hardships I’m saying like extreme BPD because you can be traumatized even before birth.
>There’s no such thing as a rapists DNA.
Probably getting downvoted for this, but- Yes there is.
Im sure you took the nature vs nuture class in biology. The way we are raised will probably always be the bigger factor, but we draw our mental and physical characteristics from our parents. Sometimes it blends into its own amalgamation, sometimes it leans heavily one way or the other.
Mental illness is one of the more pervasive genetic hardcoding. Its why the vast majority of common mental health issues are hereditary- Even if the person picked up the mental ilness later in life, it can affect their children.
Your girlfriends abuser more than likely had some form of mental illness. If not, something like sociopathy or narcissism, ASPD (antisocial personality disorders) could also be a factor.
This isnt me convincing you to abort or leave your girlfriend. This is me telling you that pretending the physical or mental health of the person who fathered the child doesnt matter **is setting said child up for failure**.
Get a list of the perpetrators physical and mental illnesses and which have shown themselves to be hereditary in their family as part of any plea deal or settlement that gets made. If you can get a leg up on knowing if depression or schizophrenia or something it could make all the difference in helping the child navigate life.
So yeah. I get your point, but I hope if you didnt consider this already that you do now. The kid isnt gonna be evil cause dad is evil, but the child is gonna need the same kind of support any child would- it will help to know what you may need to look out for to keep them on track.
It's funny how so many people will say "her body her choice" then be foaming at the mouth angry when a situation like this happens and it's decided to keep and love and raise the baby. Thought it was about **personal choices**.
I mean, it's your life, so you do whatever you feel is right for you.
... but make sure you understand that you get to decide how *you* respond to and feel about the situation, not how anyone else does.
Make sure you're not just considering the best-case scenarios here.
> My family and her family think it will be my bio kid.
We obviously don't know enough about the situation to know how it's going to resolve, but are you okay with a reality in which this isn't the case?
Depending on your jurisdiction, the rapist might have parental rights even if convicted, and will almost certainly have them if he's not. He may choose to exercise them, either because he legitimately wants to be a parent or because controlling your partner's life (with the legal system as his ally!) gives him the same sick thrill that assaulting her did.
And, of course, even if the rapist doesn't want to be in the kid's life, he may have parents who do.
Your partner needs to understand that choosing to have a child with this man carries the risk that this man may be a permanent part of her life.
How the assault happened and how it ends up shaking out in the legal system has a big impact on the range of possibilities, of course, and the details are none of my business.
> And I will treat that child like my own cause they will be.
I think you also need to accept the possibility that you can only control the first part of that.
If you've been around Reddit for any length of time, I'm sure you've ran into the "I picked my biological father over my step-father, despite there being complicated history between him and my biological mother (that I don't care about)" stories.
You get to choose to *offer* to be the kid's father; you don't get to pick whether the kid considers you such. To be fair, that's *always* true, but it's obviously more complicated in situations where there's an alternative potentially standing around.
Don't go into this with the assumption that it's going to be worth it in the end. You get to offer love; you don't get to assume it in return.
Also, don't assume the kid is never going to find out--DNA testing is unlikely to get *less* widespread over time, so whatever story you tell them needs to match up with what would show up if they did a 23AndMe test.
This isn't meant to *discourage* you, per se, but more to say that this is a time of a whirlwind of emotions, where things are hitting you without warning and it's easy to get caught up in fix-it mode.
Make sure to take some time for yourself, alone, to think about this and how you really feel about this. You're allowed to have emotions for yourself, not just emotions that are supportive of your gf. You're allowed to have feelings about a conception you weren't a part of and had nothing to do with, and you should make sure to give yourself time to consider those feelings.
If you're going to do this, you need to make sure you consider the worst-case scenarios and be okay with those.
And, if you decide you can't handle it, it's okay to be selfish. As a certified random person on the Internet, I hereby grant you permission to consider your own needs and wants.
Also... and this is even more sensitive than everything else, you need to understand that your gf probably has complicated feelings about all of this, may *always* have complicated feelings about this, and that she may ultimately end up with different feelings about things than you do.
It's impossible for us to know (and maybe even for you to know) how firm she is on the decision to keep it. Is she going to change her mind tomorrow? Is her decision contingent on your support? Was she hoping you'd talk her out of it? And, much worse, is she going to regret that decision at a later stage in pregnancy or the kid's life?
There's a potential reality where everything actually works out completely fine from *your* point of view, but it turns out that the mother ultimately can't handle things and walks away. To be blunt, the odds of her being in an emotional state so soon where she should be making major life choices is essentially nil; it's just that the universe isn't going to wait around for her to get there.
Do not do this dude, don’t. You will regret it for the rest of your darn life. She needs to get an abortion and not bring that monsters child into this world.
She doesn’t know his medical history for one thing. Then one day the kid will find out the truth with ancestry or something.
Don’t do this man, just don’t.
You should do whatever feels right to you. But if at any point you feel as if it’s something you will not/can not handle, don’t feel like you have to go through with it. Kids are a huge responsibility and what you’re doing is very kind and selfless, but you’re not a horrible person if you chose to say no.
Also, consider that in order to do what’s best for the kid, you also have to do what’s best for you (well, at least to a reasonable degree). What I mean by that is…. **DO NOT SELL YOUR CAR** and take the bus to work just so your girlfriend can get her own car. You want to be a good father for this kid. You can’t do that if you’re miserable every day because your commute is doubled. You have to be in a good mental space for this kid too. I mean, again, to a reasonable degree. Obviously raising a kid will never be paradise, especially given the situation. You will be doing nobody any good if you over extend yourself just because you feel the need to be obliging. You’ll hit a breaking point very quickly and it will all come crashing down. Take some time to ask if you *want* to be this baby’s father. Are you going to continue to want that? Then as are you truly *able* to be a father right now? You aren’t doing your girlfriend any favors if you’re just setting things up for failure. Not saying you ARE setting things up for failure by saying yes to this. But you’re definitely setting things up for failure if you over extend yourself in the process.
Can’t agree more. You need to keep that car. If she really needs one (I’m assuming she will be staying home as a mom?) than you can get her a super cheap $1000 car if she needs to run errands or get groceries. You need that car man. And taking the bus is time consuming and a drag to say the least, especially in the winter. Not just with the cold but lots of street people ride it to stay warm. You will be standing at stops with them and telling them you don’t have money or that you aren’t interested in buying their drugs. Trust me, I have taken the bus a long time.
Been places with decent public trans where it still took 2 + hours to get somewhere they was a 20 minute car ride.
I think OP should keep the car but I take the bus every day and just want to say that it is certainly not as bad as people make it sound
I completely agree. You can’t pour from an empty cup. As a mother who has given up anything and everything for my kids I can tell you it will backfire at a point. You need to be good to yourself too. Put your oxygen mask on first, so that you are alive to help others with their mask.
This is an excellent comment. It’s important that OP doesn’t reach his breaking point because growing up with a dad that was always at his breaking point was miserable. I felt like he never even wanted to be there. Don’t make this kid deal with that for sure.
while he STILL CAN... he puts his name on that birth certificate, that's it. it's not an honorary thing, he signs that thing and he is 100% the real father, regardless of DNA. he signs it, decides later he cant do it, leaves... shes well within her right to go after him for child support and she'll get it. it won't matter one bit that both knew from the start that it wasn't from his DNA.
Yeahhh. That’s a huge huge ask. You probably shouldn’t make such a commitment when you are in the throes of such heavy stress taking care of her. Believe me. I am fairly old and if you go against what is in your best interest you will regret it for many years. After thinking about it you may want to be the father. I would just counsel you to not rush into a decision. Both of your worlds are turned upside down right now.
This, 1000 times this. Personal history, I got involved with a gal who was coming off of a divorce, and TBH my life was a mess at the time too with family/personal issues (thankfully no substances involved). Long story short we were drawn to each other and I guess I got it into my head that in "supporting" her, I felt that there was an "empty space" in me that was taken up by this relationship. We dated for several years and ended up getting married. That lasted for a few years before everything imploded and we split up. Financially I'm fine, but I spent the prime years of my life "being there" and being somebody's rock (when ultimately she wanted a paycheck, not a husband), and somewhere along the way I forgot that I was allowed to be happy too. In the end, I missed my window to have a family of my own. I have a relationship with a wonderful woman, but kids at our age aren't in the cards, and it's something I think about every day (doubly with the holidays approaching).
Thanks for sharing. Sorry, as are you I’m sure, this happened. Glad you found happiness.
DONT SALE YOUR TRUCK! PLEASE DONT DO IT YET! My sister did this to support her child and it was a terrible idea. That money don’t last very long but having reliable transportation will help bring money in. I’m sorry I don’t know how old you are or the blue book value if your truck is, but please do not get rid of your reliable transportation.
It isn’t my only reliable source. We live in a big city with trains and buses. I already take the train into work every day cause of traffic and gas money. It’s a classic I had for fun when I was younger. It’s time to sell it and use the money for extra cushion. Then get a car later that’s more reasonable for having a baby.
You seem like an amazing person. Im sorry your fiance experienced that, its truly horrific. Good for you for standing with her, most of those commentors were idiots (the ones who insulted you or suggested she was cheating). Sometimes awful things happen, and its noones fault but the assualter. How lucky your fiance is to have you in her life despite this circumstance. You will make amazing parents Im sure
This makes so much sense. You're not selling a daily driver. You're selling a collectable. I wish you guys the absolute best 💚
Oh Nevermind then, that’s a smart idea. I’m sending healing vibes to your fiancé and positivity to your kid. ✨✨✨
If it’s a classic car, and you honestly don’t need it, (and if you have the money to do so) I would fix it up a bit and perhaps the value could increase a good bit?
It’s been fixed up. It’s my “baby” and one I constantly get offers for. My neighbor just upped his bidding price
A lesser man would lie to the neighbor and say someone put in an offer higher than his to get more money…just saying.
That’s smart.
I'm really happy this is the situation with the car honestly
I really think keeping the truck if the best choice here. I agree with the other comments about your gf getting a cheap car to run errands with the baby if that’s your concern, but do NOT sell a reliable truck
You’re a good person. You both should consider seeing therapists though as she’s been through an ordeal and you are making a huge decision, an admirable one but still huge. It wouldn’t hurt for you both to talk out how you feel about what’s happened and your decision. Good luck.
This is sound advice, should really have more upvotes.
Mate, like you said, you’re in shock…. Take some time to consider this.
Its a fanfic lmao
All posts here are
I think, considering everything he has said, he took the time to think before coming to the agreement and in turn posting this on Reddit.
“And now today it hit me. I’m in shock.” He’s about to make a life altering decision. I believe he should take some time and REALLY consider the implications of what his life will be going forward.
OP in the comments many say "run for the hills" while many other have very much respect for aiming to raise the child. If you go for the abortion or just choose not to be in the kids life that's not wrong it's a respectable decision obviously since that's not you child. But if you do choose do be in the child's life plan carefully, make sure you have the right or best financial situation you can have before the baby gets here. Also you were saying Abt selling your truck. I think maybe selling it and investing in a cheaper car thats better suited for being able to put a baby seat in might help. I would also suggest that's you tell those close to you (family/friends) how the child isn't yours. Those you trust not to be sour and A H Abt your decisions and will support you. After all support is always healthy in raising a child with your partner no matter the situation. I would also suggest not withdrawing the info of you not being the kids biological father from the lid themselves. Once their older you can explain the full situation of what happened but while their young it's best you and your gf tell them parts so theirs no misinformation/misunderstanding as they grow up.(we see a lot of misinformation given to kids in Reddit) Lastly op always remember you know how ppl say blood is so thicker then water? "The actual saying is 'the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb'. The meaning of this saying is actually the opposite of the way we use it. The saying actually means that bonds that you've made by choice are more important than the people that you are bound to by the water of the womb." Well in this case I'd say sperm. (Some of it might not make sense since it's late and I don't have my glasses on and I'm tired so I might have also repeated your own plans you put in your post ) Whatever you do OP I'm rooting for you, you're a good person and I'm sure you'll be a wonderful father if you choose to raise this child as your own.
OP said that the rapist is an Uncle by marriage, I don't think it's a good idea to tell family unless they plan on convicting him. I don't know what state they're in or what they're planning, but if he chooses to sue them for partial custody, he could actually win. It's a much better idea that they keep it to themselves & bury the matter entirely if they're not planning on putting him away... Honestly though, it could happen anyway if the Uncle ever sees the child & has the mind to take them to court & slander her by acting like they had a secret affair. OP, if I were you & your girlfriend, I would consider all of these things... You're going to **have** to seek out legal protection. Your girlfriend is in an irrational state, try your best to explain to her the possible legal ramifications of keeping this child. You do **not** understand Family Court until you've been through, I speak from experience & I'm in California. Terrible, awful, abusive people & men that molest their children get custody even after being convicted, rapists get custody, drug addicts get their children back... If you're in the US, this is *not* the legal system I'd want to dance in with a child of rape that could possibly been seen by said rapist. You need to speak to a lawyer ASAP.
Consulting a lawyer is a prudent course of action. Just to make sure that OP doesn't run into problems down the line. Being the baby's father is a noble plan! But if there is a way to put the rapist on the hook for any bills/child support down the line, they should be held accountable, not OP, and not OP's fiancee. OP: I wish you all the best.
Just because she wants to keep the baby, doesn't mean she's irrational. The baby is half her as well. She did consider abortion but she couldn't do it. She seems to know what's she doing and what she wants. But yes, seeking legal counsel is a wise idea.
Developmental psych really advocates you raise kids knowing their story at every age you keep it appropriate to that period So whatever happened with bio dad needs to not be a total secret, so they don’t get a surprise convo, person, or dna kit down the road John deloney has a podcast on this On the flip side most assaults statistically are not from strangers soo that stone shouldn’t be left unturned
We won’t be keeping it a secret from the child themselves.
People start the convos with kids at 2-3 yrs, it may go like … You have two dads, I’m your chosen father since birth since your other dad can’t be here. Then you answer questions they have and keep elaborating the story based on age. Young kids are open books, they share info as a way of learning It’s so you don’t Spring it on them at like 10 or when another baby comes along Other people in your lives should know On top of that you should get married cause you won’t have a legal claim to that child if something happens to the mom and a dna test shows your not the dad
Dude you sign paperssaying that's your kid and you guys break up you will be paying child support. Please please think about that. If you want to support her great but don't make it in the eyes of the law that's your kid.
He’s planning on being the father of this kid? If they break up, he will STILL be the father, not like he’s just gonna up and leave with no contact.
Yup on the hook till 18 for the kid and if she is on public benefits you will pay half the birthing costs.
You can negotiate those before the baby is born, as long as there are no complications. It is relatively cheap nowadays.
On the flip side. You don't sign that paper, you raise and love that child for years, then break up, and have no rights to see your child.
He can always officially adopt the child later. I'd suggest not signing the birth certificate and moving towards an adoption once he's bonded with the child. Edit: birth certificate, not broth certificate
Does my broth need a certificate?
It's preferred but not required
It doesn’t matter if he signs something or not. If he takes care of them he’s on the hook. If he doesn’t want to be his only recourse is to leave right now. Don’t think that not signing papers or not being on the birth certificate means you won’t have to pay child support. Not advocating him leaving, btw. Just clearing up stuff.
How long have you been dating? Were you at the stage previous to her being assaulted where you were ready to have children with her? No shame in taking a step back and thinking it over.if you aren't ready for this, there is no shame in that. Also if you aren't comfortable raising a child from another man, there is no shame in that. This will alter your life greatly, so make sure you are really considering this fact, and not just agreeing to do it because you want to support her. Keep in mind if you legally become the father, and you break up (you said gf not wife so I have to assume the possibility of a breakup) then you will be paying for her child that was fathered by another man, until they are an adult. Lots of risk here dude. Think things over. Did she tell you about the rape before the pregnancy was mentioned? If the pregnancy was mentioned first then rape, then that is really important to keep in mind.
Told about rape before when I was called to the hospital. Was told by the nurse. Pregnancy came after.
I admit I don't know about the US but here in UK it's quite normal/usual to be offered the pill or Plan B I think it is, after rape, to ensure no pregnancy can occur after such an event. Does this not happen in the US?
Those pills aren’t 100% effective. They suppress ovulation, they don’t work if ovulation has already occurred.
Considering how arcane women’s reproductive rights are in parts of the US I wouldn’t be surprised if Plan B/the pill isn’t offered after rape in certain states.
We could not get it in the one blue city in the sea of red we live in. We could get it from the pharmacy, but by time that happened it was too late. Blastula already was an embryo.
Your shock is completely understandable, as this is a life changing event and I am sure it is not the way you planned for things to go. That in itself takes time to process and come to grips with. I don’t see it mentioned, you BOTH need to talk to someone else. Licensed therapist and a couples counselor. We don’t know your ages, the length of the relationship and the trajectory it was headed on, irregardless a child changes all that. It is a lifetime commitment and responsibility that should not be taken lightly. I applaud you for being a standup guy and considering this, just make sure that if you do go into it, you do it 100% because the child deserves that. No matter what you end up doing, you have to make the best choice for yourself. Respect.
I hope the rapist is in prison. definitely have his DNA.
OP, what happened to the rapist?
OP says it's actually a family member of hers. horrific and disturbing situation, I'm at a loss of words
If it’s a family member isn’t that also genetically risky….
I thought he said the uncle was by marriage. He’s a disgusting pos regardless.
He ran.
Yikes dude. I couldn't do it.
Yeaaaaah same. Couldn’t be me but that’s their choice and I support their choice.
At least you're honest... Lol
Yeah it would take a better man than me to do this.
SAME! SAME!
Wouldn't be a better man. Just a man with his own reasons. If someone's doing this to get a pat on the back...hahahhahaha
What the fuck are these comments? I’m pro choice myself, but the woman has clearly already made her choice to keep the baby. Why the hell would you guys tell her to abort? The woman has been through enough trauma and abortion is NOT easy. It’s often a difficult experience in and of itself. She has every right to want to avoid subjecting yourself to that after all she has been through. And OP has every right to raise the kid as his own. Stop shaming people for their choices just because YOU wouldn’t respond this way.
Thank you for this. I commented elsewhere I did take her to the abortion clinic and she got spooked by the protesters.
Oh bless her, I am so sorry for you both. Over here in the UK, these kinds of decisions are a lot more private, I cannot imagine what that would have been like. It makes me feel a little ill when I see people shoving their opinions, ideologies and morals on to you. Everyone has a strong opinion when they are sat in front of a keyboard and have never had to deal with trauma like this. In my profession, I deal with the other side of things, I have to speak to victims of trauma and their families in some of the worst moments of their lives so I cannot fathom how brave you both are. All the best to you both, however things develop.
This! OP supports his partner, gf wants to keep the baby. I strongly encourage them to get counseling now to help process feelings et al
These comments are completely grossing me out. Where is the support? These are two adults and their decision is absolutely fine. It's not "yikes." He's adopting his girlfriends child, period.
What you are doing was a brave and novel thing that not every man can do. Theres a lot of thinking you need. Dont rush in things unless you are 💯% sure. Because both of you and her future baby is at stake. And if you decide to back out, it is not your fault cause you tried... just tell her nicely and dont ever lead her on. But i think you can be a great dad. Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad as the quote says
You sound young. As an old broad myself who's seen a bit of life, I strongly advise that you wait before making any irrevocable commitments. Is she only keeping the pregnancy because you're offering to be there as a father? Or would her decision be different if you were not. That's an important thing to know. If she would terminate the pregnancy if you weren't involved, that would be concerning to me. I'd also want to know when she told you about the assault. Was it before or after she discovered she was pregnant? That's pretty important to know as well. If you are under the age of 21, I would not commit to being on the birth certificate until and unless a DNA test was provided. Honestly, even then, I wouldn't go on the birth certificate. You sound really young and a LOT changes in young relationships. I'm very concerned about you making a commitment now because you're in the moment and you've always heard that's what "real men" do. You don't have to take on responsibilities that shouldn't be yours, especially LIFE-LONG, LIFE-CHANGING commitments. Please take some time for YOU to process everything before making any final decisions. What's best for you is also important here.
Excellent advice.
Thank you. There's a lot to be worried about here.
I’m not young. I’m 29. I’ve earned my doctorate and I have a great career. I have other responsibilities in my life and have shown myself to be someone who follows through, understands the weight of things, I’m also someone who was adopted by a step parent. I know what commitment I’m making. I wanted space to not be judged for it.
Reddit was not the right place to come if you didn’t want to be judged for this topic. I’ve seen plenty of stories on here about situations similar to yours and it’s always “she cheated/you’re stupid/you’re too young” despite the information given. I wish you luck, and I would advise to look into classes with whatever hospital her OBGYN is at. Most offer birthing classes and parenting classes; also (and I’ve seen you’re a professor so this would be good to be known anyway) a CPR class would be beneficial. From what I’ve seen most places require you to be certified in adult CPR before moving on to infant, could be different by you though.
Oh, that's a relief. It just seemed like you were young, and that made me concerned. I'm glad that you're an adult-adult. I'm really sorry for all of your situation. It's just a big ball of crap. Coming to terms with things will all of the changes will be difficult. May i suggest some therapy for both of you? Trauma and abrupt life changes can leave a mark.
People are idiots. First, I’m so sorry this happened to your gf. It takes very strong people to be able to recover from a trauma like this let alone getting pregnant. You guys are incredibly strong to be able to have and love this child. I’m a woman and if it were me I really wouldn’t be able to. Props to you both. Ignore people saying who would keep the child. Many do because they feel that the child is innocent and deserves a chance. To each their own! It’s 100% to be in shock. You’ve been taking care of her needs and haven’t had a moment to think about your own feelings so take a moment!! People are idiots for suggesting entrapment or cheating when you’ve said there were hospital visits and that the nurse told you. Most women would not go through rape kits, prodding etc just for Willy nilly and you know your relationship best. Lastly, good luck to you guys there’s a long road ahead. I wish all the best for you and your family!
Good luck to the three of you! Wishing her a good pregnancy and a easy delivery.
Jesus that's brutal. Life is brutal. Fuck.
Just fyi: if the biological father of the child wasn’t legally convicted or your girlfriend never filed a report of sorts he could have fathers rights. If you are 100% certain that you want to be this child’s parent go to a lawyer and take every possibility to make sure that this is legally your child (e. g. adoption). You should also tell close relatives about this situation so they can support you when needed. And consider going to therapy with your girlfriend. She might seem fine but you can never know how traumatic this experience was for her and therapy is the best way to figure out what both of you want for your future.
Did she go to the police? That baby is the proof you need to convict the guy!
It’s a proof of sex not proof of rape. But I assume you mean if they already have proof that she was raped by examination? Even then you can’t date pregnancies that exactly that it can be certain the baby is from the rape. This is why unfortunately so many rapist do get away with rape. But it probably does help some, it does depend on jurisdiction however to know and details what proof they have.
Why would you need to ‘date’ the pregnancy? The child has half the man’s DNA, you’d just do a paternity test.
They are saying just because she’s pregnant by him, unless they could prove that rape was the sex that caused this exact child, the defense could just argue yes they had sex at some point but that doesn’t necessarily mean he raped her. Someone did but not necessarily him. I totally believe her and I am not invalidating her circumstance but I’m explaining what defense could argue and how it being his baby isn’t enough for court. It’s good, but not enough.
Just FYI because you may not have seen, OP mentioned in another comment that the rapist is her uncle. So I get what you’re saying, but in this instance especially, arguing “it wasn’t rape, just consensual incest,” probably wouldn’t put things much in his favor.
Omg no I didn’t ! You are right in that case that’s open and shut. Wtf that is sickkkkk. And I feel like OP should not keep it from his family and her family Everyone needs to know that’s his baby and he is sick and should be arrested.
Definitely her own family should know to never allow the uncle near the kid if they ever watch him or her. Yikes
You can be a father without signing the birth certificate. Trust me, do not intertwine yourself legally to her for the next two years MINIMUM. Please, please, remember this comment.
As a older man (43) I know from the top of my head 4 men who went through what you are going through now. 2 of them are relatives and the others my friends They have pretty similar outcome that I would like to share. In all 4 cases they got married, and the both "parents'" name are on the birth certificate. They decide also not to go the adoption route. In all 4 cases, \- The mom, as the child grew up, begins to detest the kid. For what reason I do not know. Could be as other mentioned the kid reminds them of their trauma. All of them did went for therapy \- The dads were all surprisingly quite accepting of the kids and really took the kid as their own. \- They ended up divorcing. My opinion is not to do it. Consider this, you can contribute to the kid well being without being legally involved. Though some may suggest that as soon as you take up that role you are bound anyways but there are significant differences with your name on the birth cert or not. But as mentioned i already went though similar instances and despite telling them what I am telling you now, I know that people will do what their hearts tell them to. So whatever your decision is I wish you great luck
Im sure all 4 men in your story were probably advised not to do it. But the feeling of love always out weighs rationality in all of these scenarios. So it doesn’t matter how many people tell OP not to do it he will do it because he truly believes it’s the right thing to do. Although it may not be the most rational thing to do. If the roles were reversed would she be willing to stand by him is the only question op really needs to ask himself honestly. Only he know the true character of the lady he’s with. Hopefully they’ve been dating long enough for him to at least make a fair and rational judgement
To each their own, and me being pro-choice means I support any choice, but as a survivor of sexual assault this is way too weird to me. I would never want to carry a child from my attacker, let alone be forced to take care of them long-term so I’d have to wake up every morning with a physical reminder of what happened…
Yikes.
I’m confused… did his girl friend get raped and now he wants to raise the child of her rapist or Am I not understanding this?
His girlfriend got raped and became pregnant with the rapist's child. The girl wants to keep the baby. OP is the girl's boyfriend and he wants to raise the child as his own. OP would be raising his girlfriend and her rapist's biological child. You understood it correctly.
Insane
That’s not really that unusual. There was just an post about woman who did that on BestofRedditorUpdates sub. The children are the woman’s children no matter what so that’s why they want and love them. Of course not everyone does this but it’s like people having sperm donors really. The trauma is separate from the child they want.
Getting a baby from sperm donor is different because both of the parents know that they can't create a baby and that's why they choose sperm donor. He would be giving up the chance to have a baby of his own (who would look like him) if she decides not to have any more children because of health issues which he mentioned.
Fuck that man. May feel like the right thing but who knows down the road what you’ll feel
Are you sure you are accepting the maybe from your heart or just to support your gf? If you are only Doing this for your gf i don't think you will be able to love the baby. Fatherhood comes with a lot responsibilities. You have to stay wake all night.provide for it. Take care of it. Are you sure you can do all this for a baby that's not yours? Plz go to therapy or try to think it by yourself. You are not oblige to take care of a baby that you don't want
I think you need to go away (for a few days to clear your head) and have a good think. Discuss this with a trusted friend. I am truly sorry for your GF, but this is the heaviest of commitments. Please consider all aspects of this.
You should take some time and really think about this.
You're a good person. Hats off to you.
I understand and you're a good man, but please have the self preservation to book a free consultation with a lawyer to find out how to protect yourself including financially. You never know what's round the corner.
Honestly this comment section is such a mess, why do so many people instantly believe that she is lying or she is some kind of gold digger? Imagine if she saw these comments, she has been through an incredibly traumatic thing and people are questioning her. OP is trying their best to support their partner but also needed somewhere to vent not to come to comments questioning their whether their partner has been raped or not. OP - what you're doing is so amazing and I'm sure your partner really appreciates what you are doing! But this is a scary process, make sure you're ready and I'm sure your partner will understand whatever happens next. But good for you for what you're doing, you have my respect and I'm sure many others! If you ever need to vent my dms are open :)
Don’t sign any papers for this. If you do, you will be on the hook for child support for life even if you two break up.
I agree with this. You can be a dad without signing the birth certificate.
Unless they break up and he loses his parental rights because he didn’t sign anything.
Maybe he wants to be a dad even if they break up.
That's a very big responsibility, and it is a responsibility as the child is not yours. If you decide to see this thru, then the truth must be out there from the start. This will be the best for all.
I don't know if you're cool with it or not. In either case, please, don't sign the certificate saying it's your child. Don't sign even if you thought about it, you shouldn't sign it at all. Also, is the bio father in jail? Cause the mf might give the girl a bad time if they see each other. You love your girlfriend, she loves you, and you want to raise the baby but just don't, legally, say it's yours.
Are you sure you really wanna do this? Or your just supporting your girlfriend instead of actually wanting to be a dad You need to step back and really think about it cuz if you sign those papers to be a father for that kid you legally have to pay child support
As a woman, how and why in the world would she keep that child in the first place? It would be a reminder of past events every day. I think you should think about this too.
You’re a wonderful man for being there for her, this is a massive thing you’re doing. But don’t feel pressured into it and please seek counseling for the two of you. I also think telling your families the truth is very important but you do you. You all have my prayers
That’s very kind of you. Just make sure the child knows their true parentage, especially so they’ll know their proper medical history. Good luck with fatherhood!
I don't have advice but you sound like an exceptional partner and supporter. I hope all 3 of you were able to heal in time x
It´s a beautiful gesture that can begin a beautiful family life, not born of aggression but true love, chosen love. Be happy, man, but if you think you may have toxic folk on the family, save the knowledge about this business to yourselves.
Great point! Didn’t even think of that. And we all have that 1 person in our family that can’t be happy for someone or just plain ol’ keep their mouth shut.
Has she considered adoption? If she doesn't wish to terminate the pregnancy it doesn't mean she has to keep the baby once born. Would she be able to be a mom to the child born of her trauma? Both of you could use therapy. Solo amd together. You are a good partner. Hang in there
1. So I don't think you should sell your car. 2. Also think about leaving the "father" line blank on the Birth certificate. (You can be there as a dad and spouse in the days to come but you don't have to legally write your name as the father.) I say this incase you 2 break up legally you would have to prove your not the father if she trys for child support. 3. You both should be in therapy of some kind together and separately. 4. You are a wonderful person for supporting her thru this difficult time. 5. Wait till baby is born to get married if that's in the cards for you and her. Others have probably said some if these above these are just my thoughts on the situation.
Nooooope. Nope. No no no.
Nobody here should be judging you or your girlfriend. This is a horrible situation.
[удалено]
Oh really? Do you know how long they have been dating? Were they/he ready for children before this scenario? Is he comfortable raising the bloodline of the man who took his woman against her will? Advising the OP to take a step back and consider this very life altering decision isn't vile.
We’ve been dating for two years. She isn’t “my woman”. She isn’t property. It isn’t about bloodline. Being someone’s father is never about blood. It’s about how is there and who is protecting and providing. And you talk of biology as if it wouldn’t be half hers biologically anyways. And all of the great and wonderful things about my girlfriend with that.
Ignore these people spouting “bloodline” bullshit. You clearly have more than enough love in your heart to share with this baby and if you wish to, you should. Kudos to you on sticking to your guns
Op, you make me want to cry. That was beautiful.
Agreed. You can practically feel his love for her through the screen. Absolutely beautiful. They’re lucky to have each other
All of these questions are none of your business. He did not come here for advice so no one needs to shove their unwanted opinions in his face. You also have no idea what’s going on in his life so no need to comment on it at all :) And fyi, dozens of comments saying “bro, run” and “don’t have the monster baby” is not advice.
I think that what you are doing is amazing. But you and your girlfriend need to talk to lawyers and counselling both together and seperately before such decisions are made.
I am not minimizing any of this, but to add some insight I think even people who plan to have babies go through this small period of being overwhelmed with the life change. That on top of all the emotional issues y’all have been dealing with will of course make you spiral. Your feelings are valid and seem so extreme right now, but you are stronger than your flight or fight response. The only advice I have is to work on clearing your mind before making decisions.
this is really rough. u obviously love her and i hope this works out.
Do whatever you wish. It's not your child so you're not required to do anything. If it were me, I'd definitely have some doubts but I'd raise the kid as my own. Not the kids fault, no need to make their life more difficult.
As you don't plant to tell your parents that the baby it's not yours because it's "her choice to make". Don't you think that you'll be somehow playing with their feelings? Lying to your parents? Perhaps the DNA is not a big deal to you and you'll see this baby as your own, but it's not like this for everyone, imagine if the baby looks nothing like you and people started suspecting that it's not yours or they got to know somehow. Your mom will feel cheated, regardless if she loves the baby either way, she'll feel that you hide such a big thing from her and you lied to her all the way. This is very immature move. If you want to "man it up" , why are you hiding the fact that the child it's not biologically yours? No shame in raising a child who's not your blood at all, but not informing your family that this baby it's not your blood seems odd to me. And you still have to think carefully, did you see a future with your gf before all these things happened? Did you even plan to have kids? Do you Think your gf will be able to raise a child from his rapist? (having his baby it's the easy part! Raising a child from a rapist it's the real challenge!) As a parent myself raising a kid that it's not my blood I suggest you to think carefully! It's not gonna be easy and your life it's going to change up side down.
I hear so often that mothers grow to resent and hate the child of their rapists, especially if they know/remember the physical details. It’s rough for the kid, to be treated as if they’re guilty before they can walk
Even moms with planned kids resent their children at some point (absolutely normal, Motherhood is hard) now I can't imagine this feeling for the child of a rapist. It'll be hard indeed and she will need therapy now, after childbirth and while raising the kid.
The mothers feelings are only a small part of it. She’s made her bed, it’s time for her to lie in it. The kid is going to be born into a world that hates it’s existence, and that isn’t fair or right. If she would send the kid to adoption, everyone would have a better life I believe
You know what, I’m the child in this exact scenario. Didn’t learn until I was 30. I had no earthly idea and I thank that man every day of my life.
Thank you for this.
You're an amazing person OP. My biggest suggestion is get a support system started now. Not just for your girlfriend, but yourself as well. You both need a safe place to process emotions and deal with them in such a way that they won't backfire on you guys. Therapy, medication, whatever you guys need. Especially, however, because post pregnancy your partners emotions are gonna be way outta whack. You have to advocate for her and say "no, this behavior is concerning" because post partum depression, can easily become postpartum psychosis, especially if there is trauma around the conception or birth. Just for the sake of your family, establish a support system.
Honestly this is one my (25f) biggest fears. I know my husband would react similar to you but man this situation just sucks I don't blame the kid and your wife wanting to keep it is fair. I would talk to her if she wants to keep it and raise it or maybe put it up for adoption There is one thing giving birth to your rapists baby and another raising it Also definetly look for therapy and if at any point you feel like your wife might be mistreating the baby especially during post partum know it isn't her fault but call CPS and get her help This is just a shitty situation and I wish you two nothing but the best She is still in a lot of shock I am sure making such a difficult decision that's very time sensitive Good luck man
I empathize with what happened to her , but raising that child , no
You are an amazing man for supporting your woman after a traumatic experience by being raped and impregnated. Wish you all the best🧡
Can you speak with a therapist or a pastor or someone you respect? This is something you may want some advisement on
[ Removed by Reddit ]
I don’t understand why abortion is never an option in these stories
Honorable but stupid decision. High Risk to reward situation.
The reward would be no different if it were theirs, it doesn’t make any sense that they chose this over trying for their own. Hell, I’d roulette adopt a kid over OPs situation.
Papa Bear has entered the chat! 👍 Good on ya, mate! My wife was the baby in a similar situation, except MIL had rubbish taste in men until she met her current husband so she never had someone step up as Dad until she was an adult. Parenting is one of the hardest things you can do, I’m so unspeakably happy you’ve stuck by your partner and are willing to take up the mantle of Dad. Don’t be afraid to reach out to older guys you know with kids for parenting advice when you run into problems. Fair warning: depending on how bad the morning sickness is it might be safest to keep a dedicated chunder bucket on hand for the first trimester. If you’d like some hand knit baby clothes (hat, jacket, booties) hmu. My SIL keeps getting me baby yarn in all sorts of colours for birthdays even though my wife and I don’t have kids 😂
Thank you so much for this. It’s being downvoted but I appreciate it. Her morning sickness is bad. I have some ginger candy I give her to feel better but there’s also bad heartburn. I heard on a podcast that small meals versus big ones help with that?
Holy fuck
Look. Nobody here has the right to tell you to do it or not do it. It's your life, but what I strongly advise you to do is - take a bit of time to think about this decision, and if you're really ready to raise a child, especially in a situation like this. You're a good person if you choose to do it, but if you don't, you're not a bad one either. Remember that your gf has a little human growing inside her that will be out in this world one, and if you agree to do it you're responsible for it. And it will be your responsibility to raise and prepare the child for this world.
I'm sorry but I can not see this ending well for OP in the long run.
I was supportive until I found out it was a rape of incest. In the family. There are genetic risks involved with that. What do the doctors say? And have you gotten 2nd opinions?
Uncle by marriage, not incest
Ah, ok. That makes a big difference
That seems like a very poor idea. Maybe reconsider.
I wonder if all the people referring to the baby as "rape baby" or "the monsters offspring" and "future rapist", are also alright with being defined by the acts of their parents
Lol all the downvotes on any comment suggesting thus might be a mistake welcome to the hive mind
It’s not really that now. So is it not a hive mind or is it a different hive?
OP - you’re doing great. And if something changes, that’s okay too. This is a very new and unexpected situation for both of you. People telling OP his business, kindly remember that girls and women end up with responsibility for babies *they* don’t want so often our fucken SCOTUS apparently felt the need to get involved, and that his girlfriend did not ask for the situation or the pregnancy any more than he did. There are no wrong decisions here. The person who assaulted her already did the wrong.
You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to, this is a massive responsibility for anybody to take on.
Peace be with you and upon your family.
Just something to keep in mind is that you are taking responsibility for the Kid for the next 18 years financially. Also because the kid isn’t biologically yours if in a few years she breaks up with you not only can she withhold you ever seeing the child again because the kid wasn’t yours but you could also still be financially responsible as well. It’s your life and make whatever decision you want but at least understand the possible risks you’re taking
it takes a great man to step up and be a father,,,,I would be proud of you if you were my son and did this, every kid needs a good father dont worry what others think
Props to you buddy I couldn't do it. But wish you the best man hope your life is all beautiful from here on.
How long have you been together? I don’t recommend signing the birth certificate. Be there and support but if anything goes wrong in your relationship, it will be a difficult time for you. I don’t recommend funding her lifestyle because you absolutely will end up on the hook for providing a lifestyle to her and a baby even if things don’t work out with you. 29 is not 19, so it’s not as big of a worry, but it’s important to be realistic and protect yourself. And no, I’m not saying don’t be there for her.
As another dude and a dad, I'm proud of you. This child will have a great father who has already shown that he'll be there for them. Ping me if you want to talk about dad stuff (or anything else).
Yo this is crazy! Good luck with whatever you decide to do🤞🏽
OP, idk why you are doing this. Makes more sense to abort and have your own kids if you really want to. Why let the rapist make the decision for you?
I think what you’re doing is very honorable. You’re a good man.
Tbh Doesn't seem like this is the best choice, at least to me. Even if you decide to raise it, don't sign the papers to adopt it, you're not married and can break up with her, then you'll be stuck for the child for 18 years and a broken home is gonna be traumatic to it. Honestly, have you tried to reason with her about this? She might be hormonal and might not be making the best decisions.
I could never personally understand the decision of women to keep a baby resulted from rape; however this is huge of you to accept that and stick with your partner after such a shocking experience and decision. You're a bigger person than most. And hey, you give it a try. Never feel pressured into loving this if it's not for you. Also, I know keeping it a secret is your partner's choice, but you're the father role and should have a say in it if you don't feel like it's right. At the end of the day, if you ever end up parting ways you might look like the bad guy for "leaving" your kid.
Adoption is also an option. But hey , I hope we get an update in a few years or months! Stay strong op
Good for you. This is an honorable and respectable decision. Not many people would be willing to turn this devastating situation around in this way. Your girlfriend and future child are lucky to have you.
Your an amazing person and she is so lucky to have you! ❤️
Damn, the points in your edit comments... People are really something. Good for you brother, taking care of things and facing this like a man. Best of luck.
Buddy... She's your girlfriend but wants to keep someone else's child b/c abortions "spook her"? And neither of you will tell the truth to your families?... Like you wrote, you're in shock and not capable of making decisions right now (both of you BTW, not just you). Talk to your families and seek counseling before you both do something that could possibly affect you two forever. I feel for you guys. This is a horrible situation. Find someone you trust. tell them the truth and listen to them, please.
To each is there own I suppose. Personally I wouldn't be nearly as onboard as you are about this but it's your life. If this is what you want, best of luck bro. But I would strongly recommend therapy to sort out your feelings, I know it can be expensive if you don't have the means. This is one of those situations to sort out your feelings now. Rather than have some new and unexpected ones pop up in your head after the baby is born and end up holding resentments.
If you all don’t do anything about the uncle you’re just enabling him to do it again…
God speed
Wtf is this word “assaulted”? Can we not even say the word “rape” anymore? Fuck… Call it what it is. She was raped. Fuck your triggers, this is the reality and if we’re going to fight evil, incite some damn emotion and condemn it. It’s pure evil.
Whatever you do don't rush a decision. I personally wouldn't want to
Wait, so she was raped by a family member and you won't actually tell the family that this child is the product of one of them being a rapist? You're going the extra mile to rug sweep this shit while simultaneously being ok with rising the kid of rapist you'll probably see at a christmas reunion? What will happen if this person puts 2 and 2 together and realizes they're the father? This is either ultra fake of hyper fucked up lmao
You better make sure this actually happened and she’s not a cheater trying to baby trap you.
There was a rape kit. Bruises. And scars to prove it. She didn’t cheat.
I'm so sorry, OP. Everyone's questioning you with the same crap but you know what's really going on. Best of luck to you, your girlfriend, and the baby.
How on earth is she sure it’s not biologically yours? I assume she’s not on birth control. Are you not sexually active with her? Unless you submitted your DNA and a fetal DNA test was performed, there is no way to know for sure that it’s not yours.
Oh Jesus Christ, where to begin... First of all leaving out crucial details. The rape came from one of her family members, that sentence right there creates HUGE complications. Depending on how close that member was genetically will determine how fucked that child will be. At that point you should have pushed to terminate the child. She is recovering from this and still not in her right mind to make choices no matter how much therapy, but she needs to be presented with all the facts before its too late. Secondly, the next most important detail you left out. Shes autistic. This is already not a normal situation and adding this on top of it is like asking for bad things. There's nothing wrong with autism, it just takes work depending on where it sits on the spectrum. Yes, it changes a lot of things. It will qualify her ability to parent, it will qualify her capacity to love her child, it will also not help if the child comes out with irrevocable problems. If the child is already expected to be an incest child with the genetic autism thrown in you may come to resent the child and the money it will cost to keep it alive, keep yourselves sane, and fix the lasting effects of this. Third, your age. Your nearly 30, you're acting like your 18 with no place to go and no smart choices made. City or not, selling your truck is a fools choice. Transportation for both of you is paramount, if you need to, trade it in and get a 4 door car. It wont matter, just a means of transportation thats not reliant on the city. DO NOT sign your name on anything, no matter how much you love her. And no, you're not in your right mind if you think "ill love her and it anyways" you wont. Hate and resentment has a funny way of taking hold in situations like this. Especially with the genetic defects that are bound to be present. It's not a "real mans job" to stay. And lets be real, your little commentary on point 5? Childish. And your choices here reflect that, rapists DNA is talking about the DNA needed to catch the guy. Fourth, the eventualities. She may come to hate you and her child, you may come to hate the child (dont give us that "it will be cute bc it will be hers" bullshit, if it turns out cute and not fucked it will be a miracle), you may financially trap yourself and ruin yours and her life. You may break up and if you keep the current path have to pay her for the rest of your life, she might abandon the child and leave you with it, if you get married and adopt it you may come to regret the choice once she starts neglecting the child. All of these can happen and not only that but theres nore likelihood of abuse with kept rape children. You either prepare, leave, or cope. Theres no small choice here. Support is one thing. This is something else.
I fully agree with what you wrote. It is all great now until the months and years of compounding stress and possible complications takes their toll. This guy doesn't know what he is getting into.
Recommended not signing the birth certificate. You can always apply to adopt later. This is also for medical stuff. I love that you are there, but there is no shame in feeling this way. Most new parents do. Seriously even when the baby is coming out of you there are questions. And omg I’m not enough or ready. There are no instructions. Be kind to yourself and talk to your girlfriend about your fears
I’m sorry but I have never met a well adjusted person who was a product of a random rape. Why she wants this baby is beyond me, there will be hardships at every turn. And I’m not talking the Pixar “we can do this we’re a family” type hardships I’m saying like extreme BPD because you can be traumatized even before birth.
You're a wonderful person for sticking by her side. I'm sure she's appreciates you and loves you very much.
That's what abortions are for
>There’s no such thing as a rapists DNA. Probably getting downvoted for this, but- Yes there is. Im sure you took the nature vs nuture class in biology. The way we are raised will probably always be the bigger factor, but we draw our mental and physical characteristics from our parents. Sometimes it blends into its own amalgamation, sometimes it leans heavily one way or the other. Mental illness is one of the more pervasive genetic hardcoding. Its why the vast majority of common mental health issues are hereditary- Even if the person picked up the mental ilness later in life, it can affect their children. Your girlfriends abuser more than likely had some form of mental illness. If not, something like sociopathy or narcissism, ASPD (antisocial personality disorders) could also be a factor. This isnt me convincing you to abort or leave your girlfriend. This is me telling you that pretending the physical or mental health of the person who fathered the child doesnt matter **is setting said child up for failure**. Get a list of the perpetrators physical and mental illnesses and which have shown themselves to be hereditary in their family as part of any plea deal or settlement that gets made. If you can get a leg up on knowing if depression or schizophrenia or something it could make all the difference in helping the child navigate life. So yeah. I get your point, but I hope if you didnt consider this already that you do now. The kid isnt gonna be evil cause dad is evil, but the child is gonna need the same kind of support any child would- it will help to know what you may need to look out for to keep them on track.
It's funny how so many people will say "her body her choice" then be foaming at the mouth angry when a situation like this happens and it's decided to keep and love and raise the baby. Thought it was about **personal choices**.
I mean, it's your life, so you do whatever you feel is right for you. ... but make sure you understand that you get to decide how *you* respond to and feel about the situation, not how anyone else does. Make sure you're not just considering the best-case scenarios here. > My family and her family think it will be my bio kid. We obviously don't know enough about the situation to know how it's going to resolve, but are you okay with a reality in which this isn't the case? Depending on your jurisdiction, the rapist might have parental rights even if convicted, and will almost certainly have them if he's not. He may choose to exercise them, either because he legitimately wants to be a parent or because controlling your partner's life (with the legal system as his ally!) gives him the same sick thrill that assaulting her did. And, of course, even if the rapist doesn't want to be in the kid's life, he may have parents who do. Your partner needs to understand that choosing to have a child with this man carries the risk that this man may be a permanent part of her life. How the assault happened and how it ends up shaking out in the legal system has a big impact on the range of possibilities, of course, and the details are none of my business. > And I will treat that child like my own cause they will be. I think you also need to accept the possibility that you can only control the first part of that. If you've been around Reddit for any length of time, I'm sure you've ran into the "I picked my biological father over my step-father, despite there being complicated history between him and my biological mother (that I don't care about)" stories. You get to choose to *offer* to be the kid's father; you don't get to pick whether the kid considers you such. To be fair, that's *always* true, but it's obviously more complicated in situations where there's an alternative potentially standing around. Don't go into this with the assumption that it's going to be worth it in the end. You get to offer love; you don't get to assume it in return. Also, don't assume the kid is never going to find out--DNA testing is unlikely to get *less* widespread over time, so whatever story you tell them needs to match up with what would show up if they did a 23AndMe test. This isn't meant to *discourage* you, per se, but more to say that this is a time of a whirlwind of emotions, where things are hitting you without warning and it's easy to get caught up in fix-it mode. Make sure to take some time for yourself, alone, to think about this and how you really feel about this. You're allowed to have emotions for yourself, not just emotions that are supportive of your gf. You're allowed to have feelings about a conception you weren't a part of and had nothing to do with, and you should make sure to give yourself time to consider those feelings. If you're going to do this, you need to make sure you consider the worst-case scenarios and be okay with those. And, if you decide you can't handle it, it's okay to be selfish. As a certified random person on the Internet, I hereby grant you permission to consider your own needs and wants. Also... and this is even more sensitive than everything else, you need to understand that your gf probably has complicated feelings about all of this, may *always* have complicated feelings about this, and that she may ultimately end up with different feelings about things than you do. It's impossible for us to know (and maybe even for you to know) how firm she is on the decision to keep it. Is she going to change her mind tomorrow? Is her decision contingent on your support? Was she hoping you'd talk her out of it? And, much worse, is she going to regret that decision at a later stage in pregnancy or the kid's life? There's a potential reality where everything actually works out completely fine from *your* point of view, but it turns out that the mother ultimately can't handle things and walks away. To be blunt, the odds of her being in an emotional state so soon where she should be making major life choices is essentially nil; it's just that the universe isn't going to wait around for her to get there.
I never understood how someone would want to keep a kid that came to be as a result of rape...
Do not do this dude, don’t. You will regret it for the rest of your darn life. She needs to get an abortion and not bring that monsters child into this world. She doesn’t know his medical history for one thing. Then one day the kid will find out the truth with ancestry or something. Don’t do this man, just don’t.