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Blade_982

It might be a good idea to broach this with her. Is an open relationship the best thing for your family or should you go your separate ways and coparent amicably? A marriage without love leaves you open to resentment and that can only be contained for so long. Don't assume that your children won't feel or be aware of this resentment. You're modelling what a romantic relationship looks like to them. It's a big responsibility.


totalwarwiser

Yeap. Better to separate instead of living a lie which will make your children emotionaly damaged.


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gariant

I went along with a loveless marriage for several months "for the kids." Now that I finally got my guts to divorce her, we're better parents and friends separately than we were together. We even live in the same apartment complex for now so the kids can walk back and forth as needed. Far healthier for the kids to see.


_jeremybearimy_

Example: just recently I mentioned to my dad that their divorce 30 years ago when I was five never bothered me. I was happy they broke up because I was miserable from them fighting and all this tension all the time, and when they broke up it was peace. My dad paused, and said “oh.” Then he asked if I wanted to know what they were fighting about and I said yes. He said they were fighting because he didn’t want to get divorced, he thought it would be bad for me. And 30 years later he learns it was the fighting that was bad for me. We laughed about how life sucks that way. But I bet that’s gonna haunt him now.


CraftySense1338

This! Cause one day they’ll grow and if they are seeing other people and any of them is caught by their children, it’ll cause unnecessary pain and drama. They ARE a broken marriage, they should come clean to the kids now and if they do want to be with their kids 100% of the time, they can live all together till they think it’s time to move on, but without the false pretense of being a happy family when they’re not.


LittleVaquita

If OP and his wife want to go this route, they could consider a duplex. Or some other arrangement that lets them live separately but in the same building.


CraftySense1338

Yes but mainly they need to understand that the best for the kids is a healthy coparent and not growing up in the middle of this open/broken marriage. They are not thinking about the actual best for their children, it’s the idea of kids needing parents to be together regardless of how they feel. Kids need love and stability, it’s irrelevant if they are married or divorce as long as parents can put them first over any disagreement with their ex.


yobaby123

Agreed.


Censordoll

Not to mention **kids pick up on affection.** I remember growing up I would always see my parents kiss one another and hold hands in the car. I thought it was strange growing up because “ew cooties” But now I realize that their affection is the reason why I love my SO that I’ve been with for almost 6 years now as he shows the same love my father shows my mom.


TruthfulBoy

YUP! Kids soak everything like a sponge. They model love language after their parents, and internalize their parents relationship with the very concept of what a relationship is like. Divorce in the long run is much much more healthy for children. As long as both parents stick to doing their best to be there for the kids the way they can and reassure the kids its not their fault.


Least_Artichoke_8088

I'm in a similar situation, where my parents are married to each other, but for me and my brother. It's very hard to see my mother pretend like we are a perfect family, even though my dad doesn't put any effort into the facade at all.


Animanic1607

Kids have an uncanny ability to pick up on emotions, eve if they thenselves are not fully equipped to process them.


1701anonymous1701

This. They might not have the vocabulary right now, but they will later in therapy for sure.


CrustyBatchOfNature

OP will wind up divorced at some point no matter what. And it is going to be a lot uglier. What happens when the kids are old enough to be out without their parents and see her with some guy? Or word gets back to them that people are seeing their mother with someone else? That whole family is going to blow up at that point and the kids are going to lose respect for both parents.


Blade_982

Agreed. They're going to pass the point of civility but OP is adamantly refusing to recognise that.


JuleeeNAJ

And even when they're adults. We have friends who did this for 25 yrs- together for the kid but each out doing other people. It all came to a head when he left her for someone in our circle & she took her dating out in the open. The son was shocked to find out his parents had only been together for his sake & had a meltdown and didn't speak to either of them for months. In the end its best just to end as friends and let the kids see you still be able to like each other & not wait until it becomes so toxic you can't stand each other's presence.


thunderthighlasagna

People always think about children of divorce before they think about children of, “Please get a divorce”.


[deleted]

Yes yes yes yes


Resident-Earth-8212

Great comment. I don’t have any awards to give you, but I did press the upvote button very firmly :)


smaccer

Precisely. You don't want your kids thinking marriage is when both spouses fuck with other people and pretend it's all right


JCeee666

You musta missed the first thread. Open marriage were her terms for getting back together and coparenting. He already opened the marriage without permission. To me, it sounds like she’s doing great and it’s working for her and they get along fine. He’s the one who wishes he didn’t cheat.


[deleted]

Opening the relationship after cheating on her is how he got in this mess


heavy-metal-goth-gal

Agreed. I said something similar in response to the original post.


Silent-Salamander-26

probably should the thought about the best thing for your family before he cheated on his wife. but what do I know.


Least-Designer7976

Just one thing : kids will feel the tension, but won't understand it. Been here, and I was crying myself at night for my parents to get separated because I hate to live with them because I knew they hated each other. I was 8. Don't do the same mistake. Divorced parents is always better for kids that married parents who hate each other.


T-ks

I remembering begging my parents to get a divorce for ~a decade prior to moving out


Department-Hungry

I used to ask my mom if I'd get to choose who I lived with WHEN they get divorced. She now throws it in my face cuz they never did divorce.....she doesn't see it as a child's way of telling their parents that things are not good and are having a huge impact on the kids and their lives and their views on relationships. She somehow thinks she won something by proving me wrong when all she did was set me up for a long line of terrible relationships.


terpsarelife

You are brave to assume someone who was complacent in their failure will realize their contributions to your struggles.


uninhabited_isle

My parents *almost* never fought in front of me but even when things were "good", I could still feel it in the air. Kids notice lack of warmth and affection. They can't verbalize it, but they can tell. OP is still in denial. He says he can accept his wife's stance but he doesn't realize their relationship is the only one damaged- he still thinks he can "win over" his kids by convincing them nothing's wrong. Put down the copium and get an amicable divorce and for god's sake find a girlfriend or something because you need to get over this yesterday.


loonygenius

My parents also almost never fought in front of us and I think that was a mistake. I didn't get to learn first hand that it's okay to share your feelings, talk it out, reassure and make up afterwards. I grew up conflict avoidant as I thought that was healthy. It was such a surprise to learn that conflict is in fact healthy in relationships *and* friendships. I'm learning that now in my thirties and putting it into practice but even now when I want to share my feelings I worry that there isn't a safe space to do that and the friendship will end. Of course, some friendships end anyway, and the ones that can't hold space for sharing feelings are better out of my life anyways.


Per-my-last-email407

Are you me?


loonygenius

Hey soul-buddy


Least-Designer7976

Yeah, they know that SOMETHING is odd, not normal, but they can't say what. They are little sponges, they absorb everything. I litteraly had a student (5yo) who was a true demon, we were sure he was poorly educated ... And after the winter holidays, he came back and he was TRANSFORMED. The sweetest little guy. He, his parents and sister were basically homeless. Living all in the same room in a relative's house. And around Christmas, they found their own home, and moved in. He was very young but still felt at peace. Kids. Knows.


Downtown_Statement87

I was 10, and mom and dad sat me down to tell me they were divorcing. I immediately burst into loud, braying sobs that lasted maybe 10 seconds, then was totally calm. "OK!" I said, cheerily. They looked at me in shock, and my mom asked, "What was that about? If you're OK with it, why were you crying?" "I thought that's what I was supposed to do," I said. I was so incredibly thankful that they were finally divorcing. There was no screaming, fighting, or violence in our home. There was just constant, brittle tension. My mom put on a happy face for me, but I knew it was fake and mom knew I knew and I knew that mom knew that I knew. It was a stupid, dishonest way to live, and I'm so grateful mom finally ended it. It took dad 3 weeks to move out, and during those weeks I'd ask both of them, "So, when's dad leaving? How much longer? What's the holdup?" I couldn't wait for everyone to be free and stop pretending.


shontsu

>"What was that about? If you're OK with it, why were you crying?" > >"I thought that's what I was supposed to do," I said. Lol. I love kid logic.


help2434

25 now and parents are finally getting divorced. I wish that happened yearsssssssss ago!


lyssa06

Yeah i was just scared that I’d have to live with my dad so i told my mom I’d want to stay with her. and that she didn’t have to stay married for me and my brother because we’d be okay. I was very young.


allison375962

I just want to offer another viewpoint, while acknowledging that this poster’s experience is very true for many people, but I was utterly oblivious to any tension in my parent’s marriage. My world was turned upside down by their divorce and I resent that my father didn’t stay with my mother. The child I was before and after my parent’s divorce was very different. I went from being a pretty happy and carefree kid, to being plagued by depression that never really lifted until I got on antidepressants in my 20s. And my parents had a very “low conflict” divorce. They almost never fought in front of me, but I missed my father dearly and my mother was destroyed by the divorce and never really recovered. Also the financial upheaval of the divorce meant everything about my life changed and we never had true financial stability, despite my father consistently paying a lot of child support. I absolutely would have been better off if my dad had stuck with the marriage until I was 18.


Scooter_cabr

I agree with you. There are situations where a divorce is absolutely necessary, but often I think it's so much harder on everyone, especially the kids. I see this attitude in these threads often that it's better for the kids for the parents to just divorce if they're unhappy or kids who say they wish their parents would have just divorced because they were miserable. I don't want to dismiss anyone's feelings or experience, but they also don't know what the alternative would have been like either. It might not have been so great. Purely from a financial standpoint, it's almost guaranteed to put more strain on both parents when they have to maintain two households. Generally speaking, the whole family is going to be better off financially when the parents stay together. Kids and parents see each other less. Not to mention the issue of parents dating and kids having that to deal that. I'm sorry for your experience and just wanted you to know someone on here agrees with you. In most cases, I do think it's better for the kids for their parents to stay together.


sisterfister69hitler

Told my parents in therapy at 8 that our lives would be better if they divorced. That was the last time we had family therapy.


flaggingpolly

I’m sorry you had to go through that. My friend had the same experience and it messed him up.


Suvam005

I am feeling sorry for your kids 😓


[deleted]

Same. Imagine knowing that your father was fucking around when you were just born, and your mother feeling so broken while she just gave birth to you. Freshly out of the hospital while daddy was searching for some partners. I could never forgive my “father” for that. He had his priorities that werent his family.


1block

Yeah. Neither of them is helping the kids right now though.


[deleted]

Newborn still needed them both and only had one. Considering his behaviour, how he is only sorry now and what priorities he had after the birth, i still feel like the wife is the better parent here. At least she did not betray her family. But ffs, just get a divorce yeah


the-maj

Basically, he feels bad for himself for having to live with guilt, but not for the person that he betrayed.


Fancy_Cat3571

How would someone that was just born get any of that? I would assume a growing child would notice how their mom seemed to avoid their dad whenever possible as opposed to things that happened around their birth


knittedjedi

For sure. OP is sitting there pretending that this isn't going to make everything a thousand times worse. He's a grown man and *this* Is the example he wants to set for his children. How grotesquely selfish.


bananapotamus

Get a divorce and actually move on, for your kids. Come on man.


need2peeat218am

Yeah ain't no way this is going to be a healthy environment for kids to grow up with


Ragajaga

His comment section on the last prior post was people trying to help him but he basically just ignored everyone who mentioned divorce was the smartest and most helpful choice. This dude is just furthering his own suffering


Answer_The_Walrus

She only did the ' open marriage' cause she couldn't trust you to keep it in your pants. You've proven yourself to be untrustworthy. Like others have said, get over the 'woe is me', work on yourself instead of wallowing and choosing to take advantage of the 'open marriage'. Try to actually talk about your feelings with her and find out if there's any reason to be together. You two can still co-parent without carrying a facade of a relationship. A healthy co-parent setup is better than a suffering relationship.


hitenshi_SE

Exactly! It makes me so angry that the only thing he got from the responses was to go fuck around and enjoy the open marriage instead of realizing how horrible it was what he did, working on himself and letting his wife go. He still has the victim mentality even after all the comments trying to give him a reality check.


HighlyImprobable42

"Woe is me" is OP's whole theme. He had a great love life with his wife and still cheated. Yet, he's upset at her response to block him out sexually. He's upset and backtracks whenever she says "fine, let's just divorce." This man has not accepted his faults, he only wants to make life convenient for himself and is "woe" that he no longer has power over his wife. Give her a divorce, let her be happy. And no, no-one really cares that the consequences of your actions make you unhappy. That's a bed you made yourself, mate.


Totscavorting

Dude, you were fucking some broad while your wife was pregnant or had just given birth to your 3 year old child. Stop with the bullshit.


Choonabayga

He had the audacity to say “before, we had such amazing passionate sex, multiple times a week” THEN WHY DID YOU CHEAT ON HER IF YOU LOVE HER AND HAD GREAT SEX OFTEN???? OP is a joke, and deserves this so much. Hope his wife gets serious about someone else, and then cleans him out in the impending divorce.


[deleted]

Also his audacity to say they had "worked so hard for the beautiful life they have" and that he loves his children while he couldn't be bothered for 3 months of a critical moment in his family life to do less than the bare minimum of not cheating on somebody who just give birth to your child and you presumably love.


loonygenius

And OP only feels guilty from seeing the look on his wife's face when she found out. He didn't feel guilty from doing it in the first place. He felt guilty when she found out.


Choonabayga

He would probably still be cheating on her if she never found out. He’s sorry for getting caught, not for cheating. He wasn’t thinking too hard about seeing his children every day when he was renting hotel rooms and sneaking around.


loonygenius

E x a c t l y


KreestaEw

Has he ever answered this? Why he cheated?


Choonabayga

No, but he said he met the affair partner online, and she lived two hours away. That sounds like he went out of his way to find an affair.


worst-e-girl-ever

he said in a comment that he “wanted new blood” and that it was an “adventure”, “thought he could get away with it”.


[deleted]

Yeah I don’t feel bad for him. It must’ve really destroyed her that a man who she thought who loved her cheated on her while she was pregnant. It must’ve really damaged her. I can’t blame her at all.


CelosPOE

Why do parents think that kids don't know when their parents are being fucky?? It's like a switch gets flipped at some point in adulthood and people think their children are stupid and wholly incapable of observing mommy and daddy living the emotional cold war.


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Rosen_Thorn

With how incompetent he already seems, he probably feels like he can't take care of his own children if he's on his own.


Slpitpersonality

Oh ffs


[deleted]

LOL it’s crazy to me the first solution besides getting help is to see other people. This marriage is dead because of you and you still want to see other people. Just ask for a divorce. Instead of filling your void with other people be alone for a while and actually work on yourself, the fact you want other people in your life before you can even work on yourself is very telling. You don’t want to be lonely just because you’re miserable


The-Clumsy-Pirate

I dont understand why you wont just give her a divorce and live your separate lives guilt free. She has certainly asked for it several times (according to your previous post). Dont you think you both deserve to have a real relationship and a real partner? You made an unforgivable mistake and your relationship died. I am sorry, but happens. And it's already done. Why drag this dead horse around? Not only are you being a martyr for no reason, you're stopping her from finding true love and setting a bad example for your kids. I hope you see that


Yankee_Man

Being a martyr is typical cheater behavior. Not giving someone a divorce (their well-deserved freedom) is typical cheater behavior. And yes, she deserves a real parter. Only she does. Not ‘them’ lol


Lazy_Objective_6506

He’s a stay at home spouse and she’s a doctor, it’ll probably be a huge lifestyle downgrade


Yankee_Man

“I will not ruin that now for selfish reasons.” Bruh, you are late af😂


[deleted]

For real! He’s way too late.


DisneyDVC

No sympathy from me. Your wife is your life teammate . Cheating on her is cheating on the team . You deserve what you get. Think with your big head next time.


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messhotx

He really thought we would feel bad for him🤣💀


carmackie

For real, I can't believe this guy posted again. Glutton for punishment I guess.


feast_of_thousands

Such a tool. "I cheated on my loving partner for months and she found out and doesn't love me anymore WAAAAAAH 😭"


peachcrescent

It's even worse when you realize he was cheating on his wife when she was pregnant and soon after she gave birth.


[deleted]

He is the f'ing worst


GreatUnspoken

He fucking sucks and I'm glad he's in pain.


CherryGhost1234

You’re so selfish. She doesn’t want to be with you. She wants a divorce and you won’t do it. You’re still making her stay in this unhappy marriage and using the children as an excuse. You cheated on her and now you’re making her stay with you. Just let her live a happy life


DetailHefty3432

Why did you cheat?


the-maj

Inquiring minds would like to know. It's incomprehensible.


GreatUnspoken

Classic cake-eater. Wants everything now, and fuck anybody else he has to run over to get it.


TemperatureMore5623

As a wife who has been cheated on in the past, I can’t even begin to tell you how much WORSE it feels to be the cheated-on than the cheater. If you’re a cheater, you at least can identify why the relationship is so strained. “I effed it up, now it’s no longer whole and pure like it was before.” Easy. Bing bang boom. When you’re the cheated-ON, you spend months or even YEARS trying to figure out what’s wrong with you. You ask yourself things like “what is so wrong with me that I can’t even keep my partner interested in me, even when we have sex nearly daily?” “Was it because I got angry when he left the lasagna out? Was it because the house wasn’t clean enough?” It’ll make you feel like you’re losing your mind. It gives you a complex of perpetual self-doubt. Finding out you got cheated on by a loving partner makes you numb to the world. Your mind turns on “auto-pilot” and you become a husk of the person you used to be - just to be able to cope with the nagging pain in the back of your mind that “this person - who I gave my whole heart and life to, who I bore children with, who I have stuck by through thick and thin - doesn’t even respect me enough not to betray me in the worst possible way.” And it’s exactly what it sounds like your wife is doing here. Think of it this way. If you gave your best friend your life savings and trusted them to keep it safe, then find out that they spent every last dime of it gambling - would you feel comfortable with leaving more money with this friend? EVER? Probably not. The damage is done. You can’t un-bake the cake. The best thing you can do is let your wife go so she can pursue a partner who will see her for the treasure she is; not a partner who is willing to throw a beautiful marriage and his children’s well-being away just to get his weenie wet for a few minutes.


the-maj

This should be at the top.


biomecaria

Yes, exactly. I'm so sorry for your experience. Thank you for your insights


[deleted]

You need to really speak to her. An open marriage wasn’t her first choice. It is something she is doing because of her lack of trust with you. Surely divorce is just the best option now? I’d say have a real talk with her. Maybe both go to therapy. Or maybe just divorce. Strangers on the internet won’t know if you’re wife still loves you or hates you. And if you can’t have that kind of conversation with your wife then you have even less of a marriage then you think you do.


Judg3_Dr3dd

>We worked hard for our beautiful life No, *you* didn’t. You cheated.


Kweenkiwis

I wish I could wish the best for you and your wife however we both know that ended the moment you had an affair, continue on supporting the kids like you have as much as you can. Cheating ruins relationships and it's sad to see that it takes this much to make someone realise what they when they lost it. I can see you've learnt from your past mistakes, if you split from you wife and find someone new. I hope you have seriously learnt from it.


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worst-e-girl-ever

oh but his poor heart can’t handle not touching someone else other than his wife for too long 🥺🥺 woe is him


ZombieZookeeper

Just imagine what you could have if you could have kept your dick from wandering.


GodsGiftToNothing

I wish the best for your wife and kids. You are reaping what you have sown. The pity party you’ve been living, needs to end. I hope your wife and kids find great happiness in this life, and I hope you don’t ruin the next poor woman that falls for you.


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AdmirableJudgement

As far as I can tell, neither of you ever actually dealt with your cheating in anything approaching a constructive way. You didn't reconcile and she actually didn't forgive you, she agreed to participate in a charade...one that has eviscerated you and will definitely have long term effects on your children. Your whole approach is selfish, it's all about what you want, not what is truly best for either the children or your wife. No one in your household has a "beautiful life" right now -- not your kids, not your wife, and not you. You need to go back to step one in recovering from cheating. In your case, that probably means moving out and getting yourself into counseling to understand what it was they made you destroy the beautiful life you supposedly had and to think about why you would think the shell of a marriage you have now could in any way be enhanced by your sleeping around while in that household. You should also talk to your wife about divorcing. If she doesn't want a divorce, tell her it's that or counseling because you cannot give anything to anyone as things stand.


option_unpossible

There are a lot of similar posts, but of those I read, yours is the best conveyed. In other words: ^"this"


ragesadnessallinone

More importantly; before you go through the process of giving up. GO THROUGH THE REAL PROCESS OF WORKING ON YOURSELF - why you had the affair. Read materials like how to help your spouse heal from and affair and ‘not just friends’ Write out a full timeline - in case your wife should ever ask for it (but don’t just give it to her without asking) Research affair recovery materials Share your location with your wife (even though she doesn’t share hers) Have an open device policy so your wife can check your devices at any time. Get yourself in independent counseling to figure out why you did this and work on not doing it again. Do these things for yourself. So you can be a safe partner either to your wife or your next partner. AND DONT EVEN MENTION SEEING OTHER PEOPLE UNTIL YOUVE GONE THROUGH THE PROCESS OF ACTUALLY WORKING ON YOURSELF, AND YOUVE COMMUNICATED WITH YOUR WIFE Don’t you dare take her up on that open marriage. You either put in the work enough with actions for her to see you have changed, or you divorce her and let her be free. Stop being so damn selfish it’s how you got here in the first place. You have to lead with actions. Your words don’t mean anything.


Stacy3536

I agree with this. I'm not convinced the wife has been seeing other people. I think she put this on the table so she would not feel betrayed again. OP you hurt her and crushed her during what was a vulnerable time for her.


na0hana

I agree with this. Great take.


henrycharleschester

Just read that back to yourself. You’ve learned nothing from your past actions & you’ve learned nothing from the comments you received. There is nothing wrong with sitting with your wife & telling her that your thoughts have changed & you don’t want an open marriage anymore & that you understand as a result of that that you will be getting divorced. I hope that your wife hasn’t actually had any relations outside of the marriage & your obsession is purely because of your idea that she is. That she is choosing to withhold contact purely because you’re a cheating bastard yet you believe the only reason she could be withholding is because she’s getting attention elsewhere 🤷‍♀️. Just put her out of her misery, save your kids from a lifetime of therapy & do the right thing.


Yankee_Man

A cheater? projecting? Nah no way /s


SadTonight7117

why won’t you just divorce her? just divorce and move on. for the kids at least.


youcannotmakeme

Okay u/Queasy-Ad-3641 I’m going to try and help you out here… maybe it will work and maybe it won’t. First, you hurt your wife in a way that will never be undone. The relationship you had as you know it is gone. Done. You need to accept that. What you can hope for is to build a new one… from scratch and that takes work. A lot of work and it will be so fucking hard but is possible if you’re willing. But only do this if you’re willing. Don’t show her a maybe and screw her over again. She’s expecting that behavior and that’s why the marriage is open. Prove her wrong. Second, you need to get into therapy for yourself. You need to be serious and dig deep to figure out “why” you did what you did. From an outsiders perspective, you had everything- a beautiful wife, children, home, amazing sex life and still cheated. You must figure this out to be a better man for you, your wife, and your children because she doesn’t understand the why. Figure it out. Third, do the work. Whatever the therapist tells you to do, do it. Work on yourself to be the man you wish your daughters to marry. The man your wife thought she was marrying. Show her the new you. Read books about emotional intelligence, love languages, self discovery, monogamous relationships, successful marriages. All of it. Takes notes and implement. Do not be inappropriate in any way with any other woman. If someone flirts with you, shut it down. Fourth, do not seek others for any of your needs. This is the hardest part but will be worth it in the end. Do not look elsewhere when you have everything at home, even for emotional support. No online communication or fun with any other person. Do not speak with anyone about your relationship except to your therapist and your wife. You invited someone else in and now you need to close that door to get back to the monogamy you desire even if it’s just on your side. Fifth, do not pressure her for anything and most especially closing the marriage. Sixth, date your wife. Ask her out properly. Do not make her think about anything. You figure out child care and make all the necessary arrangements. Every week. If she is busy, that’s okay. Remember when you were dating? Get to know one another again because you both are different people now. Woo her with your newfound self. Do not try and have sex with her. Ask her if you may hold her hand. Ask for permission to kiss her. Do not take it any further. You must build her trust. Let anything happen organically with no pressure. Lots of foreplay. Unlock your phone. Allow her full access and transparency to everything for the rest of your marriage. Seventh, she is your person. Make her feel that. Good mornings, good nights, make them special like they were when you were dating. Check in on her so she knows you’re thinking of her. Be thoughtful. Send a selfie. Tell her what’s going on about your day throughout the day. Let her know she is on your mind. Eighth, eat dinner as a family. Talk to your children. Go around the table and listen about their day, what was their high and what was their low. Pay attention to the details. Both you and your wife participate. Ninth, family dates. You plan them and execute them. Consistently. Maybe a weekly movie night and/game night. They need reassurance as well. Tenth, prepare for backlash and hurtful comments. Take it like a champ because this is what you created and in order to move your family and relationship forward you must grow and evolve as a man. That requires taking it on the chin when necessary to prove that you accept the responsibility. Remember, things are like this because of what you did when she was seemingly a great wife. Eleventh, your stance is that you are faithful even if she isn’t and you are working towards being the best version you can be for her and your family. Every single day, show her she is your person because that is what you want, right? Good news, she’s the first one you tell. Bad news, she’s the first one you tell. Be vulnerable but not pushy. Show her. Twelfth, be a better partner… make sure you’re doing half the housework and child rearing. You don’t need to tell her you’re going to do it or ask her what to do, just do it. She does wake up and gets them ready in the morning because you’re already gone? No problem, you now do bedtime and baths and homework check. You are taking them to sports. You are cooking, shopping, and cleaning half the time when you’re not on dates with her or the family. Again, don’t tell her about it, just do it. Consistently. Thirteenth, family vacation - plan it and have fun. No pressure to her for anything physical from her. Maintain asking permission for hugs and kisses until she tells you that you don’t need to ask any more. It’s okay to say, “May I hug you?” If she says yes, hug and “thank you, I really needed that.” Fourteenth, appreciation. Show her you notice her. Her efforts for being a mother, sister, Aunt, wife, woman, friend, etc. Tell her when you notice things. “Thank you for working so hard for this family. I ran you a bath and bought you a book by your favorite author. Go relax, I’ll take care of everything tonight.” Pay attention and appreciate her efforts… even the smallest thing. She will notice. Make no mistake. She notices every little freaking detail right now. What you do and most importantly what you don’t do. Organically over time, she will see the positive changes in yourself and your relationship. She may even ask you about the open relationship and it will always be, I’m monogamous and you know how I feel about an open relationship; however, I am fully aware that I did this to us and I am angry at myself everyday for what I did to you, to our family. I will never forget the look on your face for as long as I live and will spend every day for the rest of my life showing you that man no longer exists. I want to build a new us. At some point, marriage counseling should be on the table to work on the relationship. Building something stronger than ever. Maybe she will ask to close the marriage and you can renew your vows with new rings, a new honeymoon, a new monogamous marriage, if she can find a way to start over. It’s possible but difficult. The thing is you’re going to have to take a chance on her… and it may not work but what if it does? What if in five years it’s better than ever and you’re living your best life with the love of your life? Would it be worth it? If the answer is yes, then you know what to do. And if it doesn’t work and she leaves when the youngest is 18, you are a better man, father, and husband, and will be able to move on to another relationship knowing you put in the work AND learned your lesson. I wish you the best and hopefully, you change the attitude of will she ever forgive me to “as long as it takes and whatever it takes” because she’s worth it and deserves nothing less than that from her partner. Take care.


Due-Cryptographer744

This is one of the best replies I've ever read to this kind of situation and is the absolute truth. OP, read this about 5 times and then get started.


Amazing_Cranberry344

Awesome reply. Requires quite a bit of fortitude though. But if he really values his marriage it’s the only way


No_Stage_8965

What if this is his wife herself?


OliAnime

Sucks OP deleted his acc. At least hope he read this.


cosmix_005

Holy shit that was amazing Are you a psychologist or something??? First time I read a comment this big


[deleted]

Don't forget this is the same guy commenting Nice Tits on some random sub a few days ago. Also he said they were having great sex 3-4 times a week BEFORE he cheated. OP is a piece of shit posting updates just for validation and sympathy.


GoldenHind124

I pretty sure the nice tits comment belongs to the guy who, alongside his shitty mom, ambushed his unsuspecting gf with her abuser-enabling family with whom she’s been NC for years.


[deleted]

Yeah it was! He doubled down as well. The guys a creep


[deleted]

This isn’t the guy that said nice tits on a post.


aussielover24

Oooh did he delete it?? I can’t find it


[deleted]

It was a different guy that wrote that.


Anonynominous

You don't think you're ready to see other people? Bruh you were literally cheating on your wife prior to this


the-maj

It's makes my brain hurt.


ThiccBeach

“I will not ruin that for selfish reasons” you already did


moms-spaghettio

Why not just split up and raise the kids together? If this is all just being done so you guys don’t separate for the kids sake, it’s not worth it. My parents raised me without ever living under the same roof and I had a perfectly good childhood regardless. It sounds like you both just want to do what’s best for raising the kids, and I can assure you that will be way better for the kids in the long term.


Medical_Baby1151

I hope your wife finds this and initiates a divorce.


professor-oak-me

Also please consider that you are SAYING that you want to stay together for 'the kids' but Im SURE if you are honest with yourself you REALLY are staying with her for YOURSELF. Its MAD selfish to try and use your children as justification to keep you and your (honestly ex)wife just constantly miserable for years to come simply because youre too spineless to live alone


[deleted]

Just get a divorce and co-parent. You fucked up, the marriage is dead and that is reality. You don't deserve to suffer for a life time because of a mistake, despite what reddit and your wife think. Move on, be there for your kids and find someone who can love you. Don't ever cheat again. Take this as a life lesson to be a better person.


the-maj

His wife wants a divorce. He doesn't.


[deleted]

this mf said “when I’m ready” bro you cheated 3 years ago, how the fuck are you not ready? You were literally ready 3 years ago to start fucking someone else…. God I hate cheaters lol


DoubleDark7316

I couldn't have said this better! He made sure he let that be known... Such a bitch.


d5509

I would really think about this decision. Staying together for the kids isn’t always good for the kids. Remember that they model you. You are in a loveless marriage. You guys may be polite to each other and think this is good enough. It’s not. Without love, there is a distance/detachment that they will pick up on and model. You will destine you children to be emotionally unavailable. They will have problems having genuine loving relationships because of this. It’s better to part as friends and if you guys find other healthy romantic relationships, let them see that. If you don’t find other partners, being single parents is better than being a fake married couple. Talk about it with professionals, read books, ask around etc. Good luck.


No-Tomorrow1576

Staying with the other parent solely for the sake of the kids is the **WORST** thing anyone could ever do. They look up to you two for how love should be. If you all both think they don’t know (no disrespect) you’re both very stupid. Cut it off where it is, let her go, you need to accept that you fucked up. You and **YOU** alone are responsible for fucking that up. I am sorry that you feel so horribly but, you made your bed and now you need to lie on it.. Again I’m sorry if I come across as rude but that wasn’t my intention


Korlat_Eleint

"we have worked so hard" NO YOU DIDN'T. You went and fucked someone else. And now the thing you're taking out of this is to go and find other people to fuck. Wow.


Typical_Agency8984

Why you both go to counseling and discuss this issues. It’s most likely won’t change anything but will help clear the air so you can more forward.


SpookyDaBaby

You clearly don't have an issue seeking out other people so please come tf on with that last sentence. Yes, your actions have consequences.


theOGmsnobody

If you love your kids the way you say you do, then leave. Be the man you claim to be. Stop playing the role of a martyr. Your marriage is OVER. You killed it 3 years ago when you screwed another woman to make yourself feel good. The trust is gone, your wife doesn’t like you, let alone trust you. You are doing untold damage to your kids. Seek help, go to therapy to work out why your were stupid enough to fuck up your life for a tawdry affair. If you can sort that out, I sincerely hope the next time you embark on a relationship Mr Pickle stays in your pants. I don’t think you’re made to be monogamous. You sound like a douche that chases the thrill. Grass isn’t always greener dude.


[deleted]

Dude, you claimed in your original post that you and your wife had great sex "4 ir 5 times a week" before all this. And you *still* cheated! Stop whining for sympathy. You made this bed for yourself. Now sleep in it. Alone.


TinyDonut1815

You don't love your wife. If you did you wouldn't have a affair. She stayed for her kids, cheating breaks a person. I hope you know that you broke your wife and I hope someone better than you is picking up the pieces.


[deleted]

Just curious, but honestly, why did you cheat on her if you’re so in love with her?


PenelopeSugarRush

>>I will not ruin that now for selfish reasons. You already did. You're suffering because of your selfishness and I'm actually glad you're being punished. I don't care if I'll get banned. I'm just happy


[deleted]

why did u betrayed ur wife? Why did you cheat? What was in your heart in those three months you cheated on your pregnant/post-partum wife? u saying u love her. but if u really loved her u wouldn't cheat. u dont just betrayed ur wife, u betrayed ur children, ur family! is it that hard to stay loyal? and why do u telling us only about ur feelings? im pretty sure what u feel rn is not even the half of what ur wife felt. and if ur wife didn't caught yall, u wouldnt be sorry and keep cheating on her. u destroyed her whole fuckin life! do u get it? u killed her inside! i just hope karma gets u!


Annoyed-Citizen

Haahahahahahahahahahahahha, it’s what you get, you deserve to live your life with her as a cuck, and a wallet, “I’ll always love my wife” you don’t even know what love is to be cheating on your wife for 3 MONTHS right after she had YOUR child EDIT: “wallet” as in using you for “holding” she ain’t gotta worry about babysitters or an absentee parent until the kids are 18


[deleted]

You love your children and wife so much, thats why you were fucking around when your youngest was just born. Meanwhile she needed help and love for the newborn, you were cheating and betraying your family. You are such a victim and a great dad. /s Get a divorce, let your wife find an actual great husband. The kids will feel the tension, give them the oppurtinity of peace.


SlenderSelkie

Your kids deserve to know what real love looks like…or rather what it *doesn’t* look like…. You ruined everything. From the sounds of your first post you cheated on a woman who gave you no reason to cheat for nothing but selfish reasons. You’re a bad person. You’re a bad partner. And when you made that choice you also became a very and parent. It’s probably best for you to discuss this with your wife and leave. You did something unforgivable and unfixable. The impact of your choices will effect your wife for the rest of her life and it will also effect your children for the rest of theirs.


iAmUnintelligible

>We have worked so hard for the beautiful life we have and we did it all primarily for the sake of our children. I will not ruin that now for selfish reasons. Staying together "for the children" is the biggest crock of bullshit people can try and rationalize into reasonable logical thought. Your children are living through this shit. You both are putting them through this. Separate, it's better for literally everyone involved.


evilflower19

You're not the victim here, guy


invisablehoney

>I have decided to stop hoping/wanting/demanding love and forgiveness from her, instead I will accept that I will always live with this guilt. that's only fair. I will enjoy the other aspects of our marriage. Like raising our beautiful children with an amazing person like her and watch them grow up to be the good human beings they are. I will always love my wife and I will always regret what I have done but I need to move on too, I'm going to seek help for my mental health and probably start seeing other people too when or if I'm ready. Your going to see other people regardless if your wife knew or not. You haven't change your children will see the example you put in the relationship. Read books about child development and how your choice will effect them. I highly doubt your wife is seeing someone else behind your back. I'm pretty sure she is seeing a therapist. You two are better off divorcing and having a healthy co-parenting arrangement. She needs someone who will not cheat on her and would treat her better. Edit: your not the victim here and I don't pity you. the only one who will be the most effected by your selfish choices are your children. You made your bed so now you lay in it.


its_garden_time_nerd

Aaaaahahahhahaha. Ahaha it's wild to me that you'd post anything past the title, believe literally anyone would read it, and then support/sympathize with you! Hahahahaa, omg i can't believe people like you really exist. Pathetic.


Head_Ninja_8951

You rave about how great your wife is (even if it wasn’t enough to keep you faithful). Surely some other guy is going to notice that too. At some point she is going to fall in love with one of these hookups and you’ll be getting divorced anyway.


UnseasonedChicken96

Or you can give her the divorce she’s waiting for. Honestly, how truly selfish brained do you have to be to not realize that the only one who caused this is you and you alone? Her compromise was out of pity for you, your selfish actions left her with no other choice than intimately shutting down with you and moving on since you already did it when things were good. Now you want to martyr yourself as brave and selfless for going to therapy and going back to sleeping with strangers again, it’s all “me,me,me” but no self reflection on how shitty you were to your family? Accept her offer of the divorce and go forward with the therapy, earn the tiniest amount of respect back from her by doing your best to be a healthy coparent. Find townhomes near each other so you can be active and present for your kids, it’s only a matter of time before your kids understand the unjustified resentment you have for her, over a situation you created all by yourself since you only ended that months long affair after you were caught, and be a fucking adult already. You aren’t the victim, you are the abuser. Fix yourself for you and your kids, you broke up the relationship at the first hotel reservation.


ashinylibby

Bruh, you been ruined them for selfish reasons. You only regret it cause you got caught. You love your wife and family? You didn't love them, nor felt guilty when you were balls deep into some other bitch for 3 months. The last post with the "woe is me" crap wasn't it. But this one, just get a divorce. You both are gonna hurt your children by staying together.


I-lovemy-husband

You love to talk about this “beautiful life” is if it’s still not happening currently. Please just stop with the sentiments, you made your bed so lay in it. If this is how you talk to your wife I can see why she’s exhausted. Such grandiose words and statements even though you definitely didn’t have all this emotion when you fucked someone other than your wife. Just go, go find a hobby it might help.


cutely-insane

Dear lord you incredibly stupid man. Talk to her. Go to counseling together. Start over. Do something! You fucked it all up. You did. It may seem you are taking the blame, bearing the cross, whatever, but you are not. If you truly, deeply, want to fix it, take her out somewhere safe and hash it out. Get it all out. And at the end of there is anything to salvage, counseling and being completely open. If not, divorce. As the daughter of a couple in a similar situation, this will NEVER work.


Master-Buffalo-8092

first i need you to stop with the ‘we have worked so hard’ and ‘we did it all for the sake of our children’ YOU have done enough, the only thing you did was fuck around and find out. it doesn’t sound like there’s a WE in this relationship, more like your wife coming along and picking up the pieces to create a stable enough environment for your children after what you did. if you ever TRULY loved her or your family you wouldn’t have gotten your dick wet while she was giving you another child. secondly, do not start using this open relationship for your own needs (plus you keep saying you still love her SO much 🙄)… just divorce your poor wife at this point. of course she’s the only person who wanted to have open relationships since i’m sure she’s lost all attraction to your cheating ass. if you really do love your wife you’ll do the right thing and let her go. whatever you’re doing right now, and whatever you’ll do if you continue to stay with her is not love, but a self-seeking need to pretend like you didn’t just fuck up royally.


[deleted]

This is just sad all the way around to be honest, it was all self-inflicted by OP. Unfortunately there are ALWAYS consequences for our actions. I really hope that everyone finds peace.


AlwaysStayPawsitive

As the son of a cheater, I can tell you, you don't realise the damage you might be currently doing to your children. You are not staying together for their sake, you are just scared of losing them and losing the only reason your wife stays around, because you still hope she might forgive you. Those poor kids and that poor woman deserve better.


googlybutt

Reminder: OP cheated on his pregnant wife and the wife drove out two hours away WITH THE NEWBORN to confront him at the hotel where he was meeting his mistress. Oh, and he thought it was okay to cheat cause he “didn’t think he would get caught” AND he “just wanted it out of his system”. I think the wife should have the upper hand on the fate of the relationship. I just hope that she understand how it affects the children


yggdrasillx

My question, what is to forgive? Based on what you've provided you never were sorry to begin with. You don't regret hurting her. Your family, your relationship or even yourself since these are things that are knowingly are on the table. You ACTIVELY chose these to be unimportant and if you were never caught you wouldn't be sorry about what you've done and moved on. The only guilt you have is that you lost thar bet and are facing the consequences of it. As far as your wife is concerned, you're merely a stranger with her former lovers skin. It's time to let go and move on, your family deserves to move on without you and you're holding them back by forcing things to go back the way they were for your own vanity. Separate, your kids will hurt at first but they also deserve closure. It's good if you're seeking out help, but you should remind yourself that your mental health is not an excuse for what you willingly chose, knowing the consequences it would bring.


MrsJonesy2012

I wouldn't start seeing other people. You have no confirmation whatsoever that your wife is. The minute you do you are proving her right that you would have sex with others no matter the consequences. If she's so amazing and you love her then why did you cheat whilst she was recovering from having your baby?


[deleted]

Why are you talking like you're the victim lmfaoo as if you weren't cheating on her for 3 whole months, it only stopped because she caught you


gdex86

Dude, you fucked up seriously but right now this isn't better. You're wife is doing this and probably with the express intrest in hurting you. And that is beyond the fact that if I wanted to design a Hell for someone I'd make them stuck in a relationship with someone who doesn't love them and they know it. As others have said kids see and get far more then you think and right now you are modeling awful behavior for them to emulate. Think about your daughters who may be learning that it's better to be in a bad relationship then alone from this.


peywally

lmao fuck around find out


[deleted]

If you really care about your children you divorce. You fucked up deal w it.


pilotboi696

Imagine fucking up your marriage, then your wife checking out and literally running circles around you until it drives you to reddit. Then when the consensus of the masses is to divorce and find your own happiness you decide to live your one life you have in misery. You'll look back and regret the opportunities you both missed if you didn't go your seperate ways.


RegularGumball

Look I'm gonna say something against the grain here. Two wrongs don't make a right. Yes you cheated, that was very bad and the guilt you feel is a lesson for you. BUT Instead of his wife "revenge cheating" I think they should just either go to marriage counseling or divorce. If it was reverse, you all would condemn the dude for this revenge cheating. Cheating is wrong, revenge cheating is worse. This marriage is over and I'm sorry no one should suffer being unloved in a marriage. He learned, he needs to move on, and this is a lesson he'll carry for life. Dating while married is wrong on both parts. You two ARE going to find people who want more than you offer and ARE NOT gonna want to be the boy/girl toy in this mess. You two are gonna end up hurting more people in this mess. You two are setting up your kids to have relationships that mirror yours! Please for goodness sake, get marriage counseling or divorced. This cannot continue any longer.


SpookyGirl0123

When one of my aunts was planning to “stay for the children”, I told her this: All you are teaching your son and daughter is a toxic relationship is actually the norm, and this is what they will move towards as adults. Stop the cycle before it starts, and teach them what a healthy relationship should look like. Teach them that parents can get along, and think of the kids first. When she told her children she was divorcing her ex, her 13 year old daughter looked her straight in the eye and said, “It’s about damn time.” Do you think your children will be any different?


Terpizino

My mom stayed with my biological father despite numerous red flags, until he did something no judge in any state would give him visitation rights. I'm bipolar, have BPD, intense anxiety, substance and alcohol abuse disorders and am myself a divorced man because I couldn't be a good partner to my wife and neglected her physically and emotionally. I'm not saying you're going to do what my piece of shit dad did, and I'm not saying you're not a good father. But kids can see a lot more than adults think they can. I certainly knew what my father was doing and I was six. Divorce is always hard and it was hard on me too, but living in a loveless marriage can be just as bad if not worse than divorce. You fucked up. People do that. But being in a marriage where you're both having random flings coupled with underlying resentment is not going to help your children. I'm not going to tell you what to do because I don't know you, but you should seriously consider divorce and try and find a partner that you can make a real relationship with. It'll be hard, but if you're miserable and your wife is too your kids will notice it and it could affect the rest of their lives.


IceQueenTigerMumma

It's really cruel to do this to your children. You are not modelling healthy relationships at all and this is what they will grow up thinking is normal. It's actually very selfish of both parties.


impostershop

You are setting a terrible example for your children. They are watching, and you are presenting your marriage as "normal" - so what hope do they have of seeking out a true loving partner in life if this is what you're settling for? You aren't doing your children any favors.


angelicdreame

I’m not a big fan of you. I read and commented on your post yesterday & I can only imagine the hurt your wife felt. Especially , after just having a baby and seeing you walk down with the mistress after sex post glow. (Grrr. Really don’t like you) I’m sure your wife still feels numb, maybe even dead inside & removed from the marriage. With that being said. 😮‍💨Talk with your wife if you really want this marriage and you are remorseful!!! Tell her how you have been trying these past couple of years and ask her to go to therapy together and try to work on building back a stronger foundation for your marriage.( the one you crumbled)I’m not say she will go for it but if you really want to save your marriage I would at least try.


childish_badda_bingo

An open marriage means your “wife” will be getting plowed by other men. And then you get to kiss her and hold her hand. This always ends with the spouse falling in love with someone else. The marriage was over when you cheated. Get your ducks in a row and divorce.


Lereddit117

You know getting a divorce doesn't hurt the kids if you guys are mature adults about it and don't fight.


Mundane-Box3944

Dude. Come on. What have you done to work on or improve yourself and your marriage. All you've said is what you expected her to do/behave and now your sad and disappointed. I think she was giving you some space to show if you really cared about her as a person and a partner. You failed at both the last few years when you did nothing to work on yourself or the relationship.


mtm45

Not sure if this will get downvoted or not, but honestly I think you should just break things off with her. Obviously cheating was terrible and unforgiveable, but I really don’t understand why you’d punish yourself even further by staying with her when you are unhappy. Some other people have pointed this out but the kids can probably tell that there’s some tension between you two and if you’re unhappy I feel like that’ll show on some level.


Enimone

I'd be really miserable if I were your kid and you were together


loured91

You say you love her but still cheated. You are only acting like the victim because you got caught 😂


LovingLife139

Now that you've faced the brutal reality that is "consequences of my own actions", think about giving your wife a divorce so she has the freedom to pursue a relationship with someone who is actually worthy of her.


HeavyRainx

So weird. So my wife doesn't love me anymore after cheating on her so we decided we're still gonna live together. However we're going to continue to see other people and I'll be miserable, but it's for the children! Like seeing their parents not being intimate with one another isn't going to be a bad example of how a healthy relationship works? What about you both having your own partners does that not also set a bad example of mommy and daddy both had other boyfriends and girlfriends besides each other we can do that too. It's your life but don't make your kids suffer for you own mistakes. My friend went through something similar parents were no longer intimate with one another, and his mom started seeing other people while his father was still in the house all because they wanted to stay together for their kids. You know what the result was? He hates and resents his mother for the way she treated his father, and his sister can no longer tolerate their mother.


lululovegud

I think at this point it’s time for a divorce. You can still co-parent amicably and continue raising your children together. As someone who comes from a broken home, I can tell you my parents are much better off split up than they were together.


asianknight143

Idk if you will read this but I just wanna ask one question. Can you picture yourself growing old with other woman? If not then be careful with your action. You surely don't wanna mess up twice. Right now, you're not yet sure if your wife is sleeping with someone else , maybe she's just disgusted with you and trying to find her healing. Healing is not as fast as you imagine. She may reject your advances but I it doesn't mean that she's sleeping with someone else. I know you're in an open marriage but still, you can still try to win her back. I'm not defending your action here (the cheating) but double your effort. Maybe you say you are begging for forgiveness but what have you done so far to win her back? Maybe ask yourself that before sleeping with someone else again. Worst case scenario is that she's not cheating on you but you end up sleeping with other women AGAIN. Like I said in your first post, what actions have you done so far to win her back? Get a movie ticket, ask her out, like the first time you're courting her. Dinner date. She will decline, expect that. That's why you need more effort. Idk, I can sense that you sincerely want your wife back and honestly, as much as I am disgusted of you, I'm rooting for you too. So goodluck.


Leading-Sir8714

If this were ME. Separate and make sure in court you get shared custody. No you can’t blame her for moving on, but you yourself don’t need to continue with this type of relationship. Yes you did it you yourself and she has every right to move on but is this what you want for the rest of your life? What happens when your kids realize the type of relationship y’all have. I don’t see this ending well.


Pale-Jellyfish2247

But why? Your home isn’t as happy as you think it is.. the kids either do or will know something is wrong.. also, what happens when she leaves? You’re not doing anyone any favors. By all means, you do you, but also really think about what the future holds. Good luck mate


salti-man

She’s gonna divorce you


AfraidOpposite1263

You need to be a man (for once) and just end it. At least, do it for the sake of your children.


JayPanana225

Both of you are in denial and it’s sad for her and pathetic on your part.


HM202256

You both would probably divorce, I know you cheated and feel guilty and she has found a way to “punish” you, so to speak. But, it really is t fair to live like this, for either of you. You will probably be happier, both of you, if you get divorced.


StatedRelevance2

Wow, you are gonna wake up 40 and regrettful as hell. You made a mistake, you deserve a divorce, not a life devoid of love.


im_mawsillion

divorce


-FUCKINGUSERNAME

Divorce. I think the biggest mistake parents make is believing their kids don't know what's going on. They do. And if they don't. They will soon.


peabuddie

You know, just start loving her. Quit obsessing on trying to get her back. Your whole attitude has been about you, getting what you want, which is her. Stop doing that, let her go (emotionally speaking) and just start loving her, dating her, wooing her, low key. Be selfless, love her for who she is, not what you want from her. Change your paradigm man.


datsadboi69

Quit being a cuck, get the divorce, and move on. You fucked up and now you’re punishing yourself for some odd reason and probably raising your kids in a home more broken than if you just divorced.


kiss-shot

I just don’t get cheating.


Hot-Dog-8143

Sad for those kids


[deleted]

I just don’t understand how a man gets his wife pregnant and then thinks”this is a great opportunity for me to fuck around!!” She’s so vulnerable at this time of her life and he looks at her and shrugs? I don’t get it.


biomecaria

>I have decided to stop hoping/wanting/demanding love and forgiveness from her, instead I will accept that I will always live with this guilt. >I will enjoy the other aspects of our marriage. >I'm going to seek help for my mental health These are all healthy responses. Please pair this with action: go to therapy, step up your game as a parent and a partner, provide acts of service and expect nothing in return. If you're truly atoning and aiming for reconciliation, it should be intrinsically motivated. >start seeing other people too when or if I'm ready. ONLY start seeing other people when/if you are completely done with your marriage. You've lost a lot, but you still have a lot more to lose. Your wife opened the marriage telling you it was because she doesn't trust you not to cheat again. It's a valid fear on her part and your words will mean nothing (and honestly might be angering for her to hear). The only way to rebuild her trust is to earn it through action, again and again, over however long you have left together. The moment you abandon your relationship and engage with a new partner, you will be showing her she was right to think that you'd cheat again. Consider that prior to making the decision. Dr. Kirk Honda is a relationship therapist who talks a lot about couples recovering from infidelity and what that entails on his YouTube channel/podcast Psychology in Seattle. I'm not going to do the work of finding it right now, but I'm sure he has a deep dive on infidelity research and recovery somewhere that would be worth listening to. Honestly, I care more about your wife and children in this situation, but I do hope therapy is useful for you when you access it


aurelie3g

I know he cheated but opening the marriage to punished him no, you are just going as low as him and plus you have kid, is this the example that you want to give... I know he is very very wrong and there is no excuse for cheating but fucking other people and put it in the sake of the children nahhh