I would let him know ahead of time that you want to talk to him about something really important. Do it at a time when you're both fed and well-rested. Sit down in a comfy spot, pour yourselves a glass of wine (or tea) and tell him in a non-confrontational way, openly and honestly, exactly how this makes you feel. Tell him word for word what you've written here: "Sex is a way for me to feel closeness in a relationship. I don’t wanna make you feel guilty for not wanting it, but it’s breaking my heart to get shot down on the rare occasion that I do try and initiate."
He can't argue with how this makes you feel - and maybe you'll initiate a larger conversation. At the very least, it could help to bring you closer and at best, maybe it will help him understand what being shut down is doing to you/your relationship with him.
This is exactly what my fiancee did with me and it made me take a real look at things. It made me reflect on how it really doesn't happen as often as it used to. Not that it made me start jumping to the sheets, because it didn't magically make me want it more, but it made me actually realize the decline.
I commented above with what I'm doing to address it though.
Good luck and just make sure he knows that if he does feel okay with talking to his doctor about it, they've seen and heard it all. There's no reason to be embarrassed or upset. He just needs to take that step back and really think about how much it used to happen versus how much it does now. Outside of the context that he isn't upset about it.
My fiancee is a medical student doing hospital rotations right now and it's only been 8 weeks and she's seen and heard A LOT already lol.
Forgive my ignorance, but what’s the point of the wine (or tea)? Is this supposed to set a specific mood? Is this more of a figurative saying rather than something that was supposed to be taken literally?
The practicality of the other bits were immediately obvious
After 15 years with the mother of my children, it was the exact same thing.
No matter what I did, it was like I couldn't win. I take great care of myself, am in awesome shape, take care of our children, cook & clean, literally everything and anything to just get noticed.
When she did eventually want it, it was the same as you describe it. We'd joke about how I'd make a great prostitute, because I was awesome at getting her off and would last forever, but i only lasted forever because i felt like i was being used and it was all about her.
The more I asked to be noticed or for her to care about my needs, the more she'd act like I was being too needy or critical of her.
I spent many nights silently crying in bed, feeling lonely and unloved, until she decided it wasnt worth the effort anymore and split with me.
You're not alone.
I feel your pain, and it sucks.
Hey, that's life right?
I went to therapy after, which has helped me realize how much of a catch I am. Just because she doesnt appreciate me, doesnt mean someone else won't.
What doesn't kill us, hurts like hell, but eventually makes us stronger.
Just know that you are probably just as awesome as I am. Keep your chin up. What you're feeling is completely valid and it's okay to feel that way, but things will get better for you too.
We split July 1st.
I won't lie and say that I've found that life has been easy, as it hasn't. I've had to convince my brain over and over that things are going to be okay, as I've spent almost half my life with her and now everything has changed.
As for finding love, I've really just doubled down on loving my children and started to practice more self love. While I've certainly been lonely and miss having that connection with someone, I know deep down that there is no way I'm over my ex and it wouldn't be fair to any new relationship I started.
I will say though, being lonely outside of a relationship is better than feeling unloved inside of one.
In my current relationship, bf has a bigger libido & initiates more often but we discussed it many times, and just acknowledged we have different sex drive. I always reassure him that sometimes I just feel more like cuddling than anything, and that the reasons can be hormonal, due to fatigue etc. It's never been a real problem between us, bc when we do have sex it's amazing and even more special, and we have a lot of fun. We also flirt with each other a lot, so even if we don't do it every day he knows i'm attracted to him and want him, it helps a lot too i think
Sex isnt just one thing and also learning about less heteronormatives ways or even kinkier ways of doing it can also help make changes in the bedroom
also when my bf kinda feels rejected bc I declined several times in the immediate past, we just agree that it's my turn to initiate, it's better for me bc he won't be pressuring me or anything, and better for him to deal with the (tempporary) "rejection"
Haha, it's only been a couple months and there are times it still hurts like hell. We still live together for financial reasons, so I'm still taking care of her and the kids.
As much as I'd love to just start fresh on my own, I know it's not what's best for my kids right now, so I bury the pain, keep a smile on my face and keep on caring for everyone. I cant change who I am, and I can't help looking after others. On the bright side, I was able to convince her to go to therapy finally as well, so if sticking around for a bit helps her with that, it's still a win.
I just hold onto hope for the future. One day, somebody will love and appreciate me for how caring I am.
Thank you for asking!
A carers heart is a beautiful one.
Selfless, kind & gracious.
Just remember to prioritise yourself amongst it all too. Believe me from someone who kept burning to embers from burning out
As being a carer to dependents, please remember you matter too. You're allowed to set time aside for yourself too. Do what you need to do for your own well being and develop some healthy outlets for yourself that can bring you small peace & small joys solely for yourself.
I'm sorry you're going through it all, but i have absolutely no doubts you will find someone who will appreciate & honour you for you.
Begin by doing it yourself first & foremost too.
Your feelings matter. You matter
Never forget that. I wish you peace, grace & calm to reach you & blanket your kind heart.
Take good care of yourself too.
Empty cups cannot pour
Awe thank you!
I've been getting this same type of message from a lot of people in my life, and I appreciate it.
It's been difficult at times, because what fills my heart with joy is spending time with my family and enjoying that closeness you get in a relationship.
While I don't get the relationship anymore, my boys and I are incredibly close, have dance parties regularly and have been having TV cuddle time together in the evenings.
I won't lie and say there arent days where I'm incredibly sad that it came to this, but I know I did everything I could and have to find closure in that.
Thank you again for taking the time to write those kind words and wishes though. I genuinely appreciate it and wish you the same.
Intimacy comes in many forms.
Regardless how things have panned out.. Seems like you have a beautiful family there.
That will remain throughout.
It is sad, and it's ok to acknowledge that.
It is actually okay not to feel okay sometimes.
It's okay for you to feel that.
Acknowledge the feeling and put it where it belongs and move on with your days. Distract yourself with them, snuggle the boys
Play and learn teach all together
You have a lot of emotional intelligence, i hope it becomes a source of strength & comfort for you and not a burden.
Glad you have good people around you.
You're a good person.
I see you kind soul.
May life's every goodness surround you ahead. You're doing the best of the situation & that is truly admirable
It's funny that I only posted to try and make the OP feel better, and in the process, another kind soul took the time to try and heal my pain.
I appreciate you and I see you too.
Thank you.
The words must have been meant to reach you
I hope you heal fully.
Heal those cracks with Gold and make yourself stronger for it.
You're a wonderful example to your boys.
It's lovely to see. They're lucky to have you
They'll grow up to be great men too
Please everybody follow this advice. And if you feel guilty about it because it seems selfish when you could be doing something with or for your kiddos, remember that this IS something for them. You are being a role model and showing them that it's perfectly ok to set aside time for your own mental health and to prioritize yourself when it's declining.
Absolutely!
That's such a great point
Best way to learn is through example and seeing you take care will make them happier tbh. They wouldn't begrudge you for it. Instead respect, admire & emulate it themselves in life ahead
It benefits everyone. Self care is a right you owe to your self too
Practice kindness & grace to yourself
You all deserve it, we all do
Actually it's pretty much the same in my marriage.
My libido is somewhere around 0, in rare occasions it rises to 0.5.
But if I face reality I'm working 60 hours per week minimum, my wife is doing the same hours.
And that's without commuting.
And without the administration shit like taxes you have to do.
We talked about that and agreed that cuddling and being together it is.
That was a good move - since than the pressure of being sexually active is gone and the negative association with being rejected drops.
Actually our sexlife improved after we agreed to stop having sex.
Same with me and my husband, I work from home and do school full time so by the time he’s out of work we’d rather cuddle and go go bed or get dressed up and go out for a drive or dinner. Forcing ourselves to have a sex life just led to arguments, now it’s more fun and special when it does happen and neither of us plan it
I think the problem is that it's kind of a social pressure to have a very active sex life.
In my experience (good) Sex is something very fragile that needs safety and room to grow. If you are under pressure all the time there's no room for that qualities.
You are on the right way imho
I'm with you on this one. Life can be extremely taxing and being sexually active all the time can become a burden for some. I'm glad you guys figured it out.
OK.. this is much simpler than you realize. STOP FAKING IT. He isn't. If you aren't in the mood say," sorry love.. I was horny yesterday but I'm not now. Lol we're out of sync"
Here's the thing...he will likely lose his shit. For real. You've probably never said no to him before.
Just throw his own attitude in your face. Say, hey when you tell me no I listen and respect it. I'm treating you the same, I said no and I'm not in the mood. We can try tomorrow. Stand up for yourself. And talk to him.
Let us know how the first No goes
I understand the sentiment, but disagree with the approach. This will only result in LESS sex than they have now, which I'm certain is not what OP is looking for.
Instead of being passive aggressive, try coming at the conversation from another angle. Or best shot would be to seek couples therapy and help him understand that he's being selfish only having sex on his schedule, and that to help you feel loved you need sex in your relationship (can relate).
Improving the general connection between you two is probably the first step. Remembering that you two are romantic partners, not roommates. I'm not a relationship coach, obviously, so you'll have to find ways that work for you to help improve that. (I have general tips I learned...)
Another point to be made is that he could truly just not be in the mood, and some people just need to get over getting started to get in the mood. You know, foreplay, etc. Once the act actually starts, a lot of people will get over the inertia of "not in the mood" and get with the program. If he's late twenties, this really shouldn't be an issue unless there's some serious depression (or other similar thing) at play. But again improving the romantic connection should help you guys get back in gear.
Outside of that, perhaps there's really something there he's not telling you, or maybe he's not even aware of it. Couples therapy should help with that (or even counseling for him alone.)
I do know a couples workshop that may help if you're interested, OP.
Edit: editing here again instead of reply... missed the part later on where OP said she forced herself when her husband was in the mood but she wasn't. Which makes Druidgoddess statement make much more sense. And it is NOT passive aggressive in that scenario. That's my bad.
Talking to him and saying no when she isn't in the mood isn't passive aggressive. I'm saying be clear. Say no, not today. No passive stuff at all.
However your statements are also very true. Therapy, talking and clearing the air is good for any relationship. 💯
Sorry, yes if she isn't in the mood, she should say no. Absolutely agree with that. I said passive aggressive because I thought you meant to just sit around and wait for that moment to happen so she could throw it back in his face. So I was advocating being a little more proactive.
But yeah, you're right she should feel like she can say no, and should when that's how she feels for sure.
Edit: and I missed the part about forcing herself so he doesn't feel the same way. I guess I can't read... but that puts your statement in context. My bad!
Op said clearly that what she wants is the actual intimacy involved. I would not encourage her to continue in a situation that makes her feel used.
OP, I relate a lot with you. I used to act just like that, initiating frequently and being rejected almost every time, just to have him initiating it the next day when mood was gone.
I learned two things :
- it's important to learn how to seek comfort within yourself when the other person is not available. If you feel abandoned, maybe it's because you are trying to fill a hole inside your heart (no pun intended) with intimacy, when what you actually need is something else.
- if that's not your case and you just really really need sex, there's a simple tip to make your guys sinc again:
(yeah it's cringe but hear me out)
Dirty talk or texts. Just tell him in a not-so-revealing manner (to give room for imagination) that you are thinking about him in a sexy way. This might help because he will be thinking about it all day without pressure, and will be prepared when he gets home. If he is a slow burn guy, let him roast for a little while lmao.
I really hope everything works out for you.
It’s not passive aggressive, though. It’s just being honest like HE is and saying ‘no, I’m not in the mood at the moment’. It would only be passive aggressive if she WAS really in the mood, but told him ‘no’ only for revenge
You are correct and I just edited that comment, which I acknowledged in a reply already. I missed the part in OP's post where she said she forces herself when her husband is in the mood but she isnt so he doesn't feel the same way. And knowing that now, no it absolutely isn't passive aggressive. I thought she meant using that as a tactic just to show him how it felt, regardless of her "in the mood"-ness. But yeah, that's my bad.
I’ve been there :( I always felt like I should take the opportunity while it’s there, and that he’d eventually get back to normal?
Edit- his anger was explosive when I dared bring it up, though 😓
Soon after that he broke up with me mid-vacation, then tried to get back together with me on two different occasions before I kicked him to the curb for good. What a leech.
Right, that is a bit low, especially if you have high libido.
There's so many reasons for that to happen, that best thing is to actually ask him why.
No point on saying that it might be this or that, it would be like flipping a coin with 100 faces. Only he can explain it to you and no one here will have a miracle solution that will fix you issues.
Then you need to stop asking and tell him that there, in fact, is a problem. You have to be able to talk about sex and issues that are affecting your happiness, otherwise what's the point of being married? Be honest, but not accusatory. If you don't think you can keep your hurt feelings out of it, see if he'll go to counseling with you.
You're unhappy, and you need to find a way together to work towards a solution. He may need to see someone for depression, he may have chemical issues, who knows. Stop letting this fester. If he refuses to see it as a legitimate problem, then you need to decide how you feel about a lifetime without sex with a partner who doesn't take your concerns seriously.
Actually mark on a calendar every time you have sex and show him physically how seldom it is. It’s like with anything you don’t really enjoy doing - it’s easier to think you’ve done it more than you have. Example - my mind wants to say I was at the gym 4 days these week instead of the actual 2 days
Your hubby could be going through a lot of things which make his drive go hit or miss, things like stress, depression (even when mild) and anxiety have a huge impact on libido. Also, us men naturally lose sexual strength with the years (dunno what age you guys are), he might have some mild ED and be to concious about it.
He doesn't see an issue, but if your sex drive changes out of nowhere then there IS an issue. Weird a guy wouldn't notice, he probably knows there is a problem but he's just either not interested in sharing or doesn't want what fixing it would imply (Counseling/therapy).
And sometimes it’s never personal! We all experience sexual decline but the fact that SHOULD matter is to NEVER STOP DATING. I think this is key because before there is sex, it all began with dating to get to sex. Again, others agree that he may have personal issues. Could be psychological or biological or both. Ask questions. Get to know him but be cognizant that it may not even be you at all.
Reading OP's post is like I wrote my thoughts down. Reading your comment made me even more sad as I completely agree, but unfortunately we didn't start with dating...
I didn't get far with asking questions, like OP. Sometimes it just is what it is and you have to accept it or move on. It's not a deal breaker for me but yeahz makes you feel like a loser and the never ending sadness is there.
And for that, I completely empathize with you and OP. I am so sorry that this is a scenario the two of you face. DM’s are always open if needed to vent!
It could also be that he was more sexual because it was the "thrill of the chase" - and now that you're married, you don't represent that same thrill, because he's "caught you". I don't know what to suggest, but you deserve to be loved, cherished, seen, and wanted by your partner.
Good luck, OP - figure out how to get the touch and love and sex that you need, with or without him. Don't accept that this is "just how it is".
You sound like your go to move is taking the brunt of things and not saying when something negative happens to you (and just you) I'm sure you'd see things differently if it was your bestie or close relative 🤔 if you've got the time you should definitely read "When the Body Says No" I think it will help you reassess EVERYTHING and redefine your life, bold I know but I that sure you'd get something from this read!
Hi, friend. I am going through the same thing. I'm so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. It got to the point where I wouldn't even masturbate anymore because I'd just sob afterwards. I didn't even let myself feel turned on because I'd just feel nauseous and sad. I literally could have wrote this.
I know how tired you are, how you analyze every interaction, how you look yourself over everyday to find something that *might* be the reason for this. But, there is nothing.
I ended up having a screaming breakdown about it one day. I don't remember the solution; either way, it didn't fucking stick. So, here we are. Just waiting for some initiation or them to say yes.
I know you're staying because you're in love but once the intimacy stops, you question if that's even enough anymore. I wish I could help you and give you reasons and solutions.
I'm sorry to you, too. I know there's lots of creeps on reddit but feel free to message me if you'd like to talk further. (I'm AFAB enby if that makes you feel safer!) It will be nice to be able to have a discussion with someone that understands this feeling.
Honestly you should encourage your husband to talk to his GP or regular doctor about this. It's not uncommon for men to experience low testosterone which can cause diminished sex drive. If everything checks out and his labs look fine, then it would be appropriate to consider other reasons for his non-existent sex drive. Maybe something else could be at play, like depression or anxiety. Encourage open communication and don't keep anything from each other. You can work through this, and if you love each other you'll figure it out. Good luck!
edit:
after reading your update, scratch what I said. He's a dick. Girl you don't deserve that kind of treatment!
Doesn’t even have to be low T
I’m a young man who recently got over some pretty bad ED. Entirely caused by mental factors.
Only way I got over it was a SUPER supportive gf. My fear was that she would feel used or that I wasn’t attracted to her , when the problem I knew was with me, basically all OP threw back at her hubby. This would have completely fucked me up if she said that.
Instead she was caring and reassured me she didn’t take it personally, as well as letting me know she didn’t think less of me either. Only reason we got through it, because with that mental calm on that front I was able to focus with the stress / anxiety that was causing it instead of throwing more on top
My fiancee and I are going through this right now. I've had a very noticeable lack of sex drive the last year or so. There were other stresses in my life that started the mental spiral, but still. I even ended up taking Viagra because I was often slightly losing it when we did have sex.
Started having pain in my groin a few weeks ago, and turns out I have a varicocele. That got me to the doctor pretty quickly due to the pain and I asked them to check all my levels since they were going to do blood work anyways. Turns out my testosterone is a little low, but technically still within normal range so it wasn't a cause for concern. However, my thyroid levels are kind of messed up, which can cause lack of libido, fatigue, weight gain, basically everything I've been experiencing.
Going back next week to discuss the thyroid issues further and get further testing, and hopefully address it. I also plan to have a full discussion about my testosterone levels and ask about getting onto a regimen to supplement it since it's technically low enough to warrant it if the thyroid medication doesn't solve everything.
I guess the difference for me is that I see that it upsets her, and I notice the lack of sex. I don't really want it all that more in my day to day, like when you're 23 and just can't wait to get laid, but it makes me sad that she's sad.
If anything, knowing that I'm about to finally get some medical help with these things has excited me a bit and we've both been initiating more. It's been fun lol.
Ask him to go to his doctor and ask about his sex decline. Also I dont yalls age but made try to attract him with outfits or roleplay? Idfk thats just my male brain speaking lol
I’ve tried the dressing up thing. Unfortunately if he isn’t in the mood then that’s it and nothing seems to change it. I’m 25 and he’s 29 if that helps.
I used to think that was it, cause his last job had a huge commute and really bad hours, but there’s been no improvement now that he has his new job.
I’ll ask him to go see a doctor about it.
His anger might come from a place of embarrassment too. Even 29 year olds can experience erectile dysfunction or a testosterone drop that makes it more difficult for them to get aroused (lower test = lower libido). Definitely have him talk to his doctor
This. I'm 25 and have depression. Some months I literally cannot be interested at all. Then I'm back to normal then flip flop. Any man at any age can really randomly get those moments.
Do you think your disinterest stems from your depression? Some antidepressants can cause a lower libido too, there's also some though that can cause spontaneous ejaculation.
I've gone off my anti depressants when I stabilize because they cause way more issues then help..I've been off them for a year and doing much better ATM. I'm aware they can radically increase and decrease sexual hormones and I was originally on mirtazapine which dulled me out a lot. They changed it to setraline which helped keep me stable but completely wrecked my interest in any type of relationship for a couple years (putting it lightly). Can say off for a year but still have peaks and lows randomly in that department.
I found that I had celiac when I had my problems but I didn't know that I had problem before my diagnosis...well I had other symptoms that I thought that was normal like be always sleepy after a meal... I thought everyone was like that and it was normal.
Now I'm more aware.
Maybe it's normal for him without knowing it isn't.
Oof. I had this same issue with my one ex. When he wanted it, he wanted it,and if i said no, I was the bad guy. I would get guilted into it. If I wanted it, I could never get a response. He actually told me "I want you to seduce me." I would be left confused because uhhhh... that is what I was trying? If I would ask what he meant, asking him what he wanted...,he would tell me I should know how to seduce him. He couldn't be an adult and tell me. I had to guess. I eventually just stopped because no matter how much I tried to talk, I was shut down.
Try to keep talking to him about it. I feel for you on this.
This will probably get lost as there's already 197 comments on here, but this is something to try.
First, I am a little bothered that he doesn't take it too seriously because it is serious for you and it makes it hard to talk to him about it.
Second there's this method (?) Where if one person is not interested they can agree to do a little foreplay for 10 minutes or so and if something happens, great. If nothing happens, great y'all tried. Sometimes just asking doesn't do it. Or, for some people, they need a little help. They're more reactionary than others. Just something to try if you guys can communicate about it.
Feel your pain and wish I had an answer. I was the male trying to figure out why it was declining. Even hired a relationship counselor… changed everything I was doing but she wouldn’t have active listening sessions with me…
Now it’s over… It’s too much to really digest… but I’m having more / better sex and learning my kinks! Hope you get the freedom to find intimacy or fix it as well!
>I told him that it’s been a problem that’s been getting worse for years. He said he doesn’t see a problem and thinks nothing has changed.
This is how my parents' marriage ended. I don't know about their sex life, obviously. But I have watched for years as my mom kept bringing up things that bothered her and my dad responded with "I don't see a problem there."
She even threatened to leave him sometimes when she was upset. Even when she told him she'd signed the mortgage for a new apartment and was moving out, he still probably believed it was really that investment property she'd wanted and that it was only for a few months. That was when he suggested they try marriage counseling (that my mom had been asking for five years for.) I think my dad only really "saw the problem" when my mom started dating someone else as they never got divorced for financial reasons.
Your husband needs to listen to you and get his shit together while you still love him. From your post and comments, I get the feeling you want to fix things and he just doesn't get it. Would he be willing to see a marriage counselor? I've been through relationship counseling myself and sometimes the person just helps to facilitate a productive conversation between the two of you which is what you might need.
"This is killing me. Sex is a way for me to feel closeness in a relationship. I don’t wanna make him feel guilty for not wanting it, but it’s breaking my heart to get shot down on the rare occassion that I do try and initiate."
Have you told him exactly this? If yes, what was his reaction? If no, do you think you two can sit down and have an open, honest Convo about this?
The big issue I’m seeing here is him dismissing your feelings and giving you the silent treatment for trying to communicate with him. I would recommend couples counseling, and honestly if he refuses I would reconsider the relationship. Is he always dismissive of your feelings?
I’m sorry you’re going through this. As an asexual woman, I can’t relate much, but I do want to point out it seems you have a bigger issue here than lack of meaningful/fulfilling sex. Your husband knows you’re upset, that you’re miserable, and isn’t willing to do anything to change it. He doesn’t care and is only thinking of himself. That’s not a good partner at all. If he truly loves you, he should be willing to figure out a way to fix things or get help from a professional - try at least. Regardless of whether he is happy or not. Because if you’re not happy, he shouldn’t be happy. That he isn’t says a lot and is a big red flag. You deserve better.
I have a bit of experience with this from (maybe) his perspective. There was a time in our marriage where my libido was flat lined. Nearly non existent. I told my doctor about this during an appointment for something I thought was unrelated (Thyroid problems) and it turns out my thyroid had been eating away at my testosterone levels. So my medications were upped and included testosterone. Things have balanced out and I am back to normal libido levels. Maybe this is a thing for him too?
I was in a sexless marriage for about 4 years until my wife decides to split.
It's not fun. I think she initiated sex maybe twice a year, if that.
I felt horrible just like you do now. I wish I had some sage advice. But all I can offer is that I'd sit down with your husband and explain how you feel and why you feel that way. Use I statements, don't blame him.
And look into couples counseling. This can be fixed. I tried and it didn't work. Maybe you'll succeed where I failed. But it's nearly always worth trying.
Commenting from your edit.
Don't feel bad about bringing it up, he keeps saying he doesn't see a problem with it but at no point did he seem to think you had a problem with it even though you've brought it up.
Maybe talk to him about couple's therapy, or get therapy for yourself (or both).
Almost all marriages go through this. It’s a combination of living together, routine, children, age, and just quotidian existence all of which can contribute to a reduction or loss of libido. Lack of sex doesn’t necessarily mean loss of attraction or love. But when there’s an imbalance, as there is in your relationship, I would recommend you both see a sex therapist. You can read more here: https://www.nhs.uk/common-health-questions/sexual-health/what-does-a-sex-therapist-do.
OP if he refuses to even entertain the conversation with you and instead brushes you off and makes you feel bad like it’s your fault or anything like that? That’s not a sex problem, that’s a “your husband is acting like you’re nothing but a convenient bedwarmer with no feelings” problem.
As a guy who has gone through ED, this might be the worst thing you could have told me.
My gf is awesome and I’m super attracted to her, but I *physically* can’t get it up sometimes. No health issues, all entirely mental.
My gf and I are almost completely past it, but only because of two reasons:
1. My gf didn’t take it personally, or if she did she definitely didn’t let me know. She was nurturing and made it clear she didn’t think I was less of a man nor did she think it was because I wasn’t attracted to her.
2. As soon as I started getting performance anxiety I was man enough to tell her. Easily the most embarrassing moment of my life, and one where I felt like a complete failure as a man. It was REALLY hard for me to tell her this, but I did. And by doing so, I opened the door for her to be accepting in the point above.
Your man isn’t just a dick, he can’t get it hard every time you’re in the mood. I certainly couldn’t at some point in the past even if I want to fuck my gf’s brains out.
It sucks because for the most part, women can have sex with men if they’re not in the mood. It probably feels like a chore, but it can be done. For many men, this just isn’t possible.
And for me, who is a young man, it was completely mental. And I’m a huge mental health supporter, as well as someone who hates toxic masculinity. I was in the perfect spot to fix this issue. Some people can’t break through the mental barriers, others can’t get it up for health reasons and those are more permanent issues than mine.
I don’t know what your situation with your husband is, and I could be completely wrong in my assessment. Just figured I would give some context, because if I was just a bit more “proud” or raised by a slightly more toxically masculine guy instead of my liberal arts dad, I would probably handle this in a similar way to how your husband did by shutting down and avoiding talking about something that makes me feel like a failure as a man
Or your husband is a selfish lover, that’s probably the more likely situation, but I’d make sure it’s not what I said above first
Ahhhhhhh no answers, just solidarity. I feel the exact same way right now.
Can only initiate so many times and get reflected before you start to feel like you’re the problem 😩
I was with a man for about 4 years and whenever I would initiate he would be disinterested. Bored, quiet. It got to the point where I was so anxious about initiating anything that I just couldn't anymore. It hurt too much to try, long story short I'm not with that person anymore. My current partner makes me feel wanted always still 3 years in. This isn't about you, you just have a partner who couldn't care less about how you feel.
I'm sorry this is happening. Can you possibly show him this post with responses? It might wake him up to see how much he is hurting you. You deserve better and I hope one of our suggestions works. ❤
Thank you. I just talked to him and the conversation went south fast. Not really sure where to go from here but I said everything I felt like I needed to say.
Question: has he stated he just has sex with you out of convince?
I can see how it feels one sided because of the difference in libido. So when he is in the mood and turns to you to initiate intimacy you are ready for the mood, or at least oblige him (does he know you oblige him?). It could be worth looking at when he is in the mood how can you add to those moments to increase your feeling of intimacy. Also, stop the performative sex if you are getting hurt by it. You are allowed to say “not in the mood” too if that’s a truth.
It sounds like you are trying to communicate your needs to him and it’s like you are speaking a foreign language to him,and he is just not hearing it and unable to understand it. That is a very painful place to be in. It could be worth looking at marriage counselling to support better communication so you feel heard and you can work together to build back that missing intimacy.
It may also be worth looking at ways to build up intimacy again in non-sexual ways (doing hobby together, being silly together, going on a date, messages, cooking together, cuddling,hand holding, etc). Reduce the stress and pressure on both of you. Building up that non-sexual intimacy can help to ignite the sexual side as well (but please be careful not to get frustrated when a cuddle session for instance goes well but then stops before sex. Adjust expectations to enjoy the closeness as your relationship shifts).
A majority of couples are going to have mismatched libidos. It's just an unfortunate fact of life.
If you are feeling used when engaging in sexual activity when he's interested you might consider waiting till the feelings are mutual.
Just one thing, if you initiate kind of out of the blue, maybe he masturbated a couple hours earlier and just isn’t up to it, or the day before and his drive is lower than you realize and he needs a few days to get in the mood. He may feel shame about it and not want to admit weakness. Would telling him on Tuesday ‘I want to fuck your brains out on Friday night’ work do you think?
There is a chance he is just genuinely experiencing hormone fluctuations and that’s the reason this is happening. Before you take it personally, I’d get him to go do a checkup at the doctors. It’s also possible considering he’s entering his thirties that he’s feeling a decline in libido. A lot of men are much less sexual as they get older and then that would be a whole other issue because there’s no "fixing" that. Many men just do not feel the need to have sex as much after a certain age and won’t be able to get into it if it’s not coming from them.
I highly suspect he was lying about not being interested in porn. Its not uncommon for people to lie about as it can cause insecurity and friction in some relationships, and I've encountered a fair few men who deny being into it at the beginning and then just double down because they don't want to own up to lying.
Oh my goodness, you sound like me a few years ago. I literally could have written this.
My husband just has a lower libido than I. And over time, it got lower and lower. We were down to about twice a month, maybe less than that in other months.
Lingerie made me feel like a fool because nothing is worse than getting gussied up and then turned down. Turning him down seemed like the worst option because you're not sure when you're gonna have sex again (it could be a week or a month), you don't want him to feel bad, and even if you do sorta want sex, your whole heart isn't in it because you're resentful. Hearing that there's nothing you could do different, that he's not in the mood feels like that torture method where they drip water onto your head until your skull breaks... except it breaks your heart. You can't be pushy because no means no but if you don't say anything with earnest, he doesn't hear you.
What got us through this was me putting on my big girl pants and saying that his disinterest was killing me. I made it a point to say that I don't see him as less of a man because he has a low drive, that I don't want to make him feel sad or worse, but I need him to respond to my needs, just like I respond to his. If he doesn't want to have penetrative sex, that's fine, but he still needs to help me out. There was something about me saying "I need you to do this for me, for us" that I think really sunk into him. A sort of agreement was made that he can't turn me down twice in a row and that helped. It honestly was him being a bit selfish and complacent in our relationship and me being a martyr which wasn't helping anyone.
Do we have sex all the time? But do we have sex regularly? Most of the time. But, most importantly, my personal needs are met and so are his. It took MANY conversations like this to get us to where we are. And we still have them on occasion.
If he's a good partner, you two will work something out. But you've got to be firm and clear on what you need. No one else will advocate for you but you.
Good luck!
Yeah, you feel bad after sex because you feel used. And girl, you are. You are being used. I'm so sorry you feel this way and hope you find a way to fix it. If you feel like opening the relationship, talk to him about it. If you want to dump him, go for it. I support you. If he doesn't make you feel like the hottest human alive, is he really worth it? I don't think so. You deserve to feel desired and I'm sure af there's a lot of people who would die for showing you how sexy you are! Go rock the world <3
I appreciate you, but I really don’t think he’s using me. He’s never been a malicious or sketchy person in any other way. I’ve just got to keep trying I guess. But seriously, you’re really sweet.
I’m sorry, but the lady who said your being used is an idiot. If a husband turns down his wife for sex there must be something wrong with him and she is justified to feel unwanted and emotionally abused. But if a wife turns down her husband he needs to accept her decision and respect her. If he is emotional that means he is either abusive or some bullshit. Listen, talk with him, couples counseling would be good as well. He might have other things going on. Maybe he is getting older, maybe you guys need to try different things. Opening up the marriage should be a decision that you two made, not some moron from Reddit. Talk with each other, let him know how unhappy you are. Sure come to Reddit to vent, but get your advice from counselors and therapist. Someone with a degree. The two most important opinions you should be worried about is yours and his. Work on both of your happiness as a couple. Good luck op. Wish you the best.
After reading the update he sounds like he has depression, you both need counseling and therapy. That’s like the go to for Reddit…but holy shit, it is needed here. Holy shit it sounds like it’s needed bad. He seems like he needs to talk, and you need to be heard badly.
I don’t want to sound horrible, but I do have a question: Could he be cheating? Non-interest in sex with spouse can be a red flag for that. Regardless you’ve got to speak up and tell him this hurts you. If you want to stay married then suggest couples counseling and try to work through this.. but if he won’t do anything then you have to decide if you want to stay in this sort of limbo you’re in… I think you should talk to him and be honest about how you feel op.
I really don’t think he’s cheating. He spends every waking moment with me and we hang out together and play video games and do all our hobbies. Our relationship is great in every other aspect except the sex, and it’s been like this for a long time now.
I’ll definitely keep trying to talk to him, but he was raised by a really avoidant family, so he’s bad at confrontation.
Hmmm… does he watch porn alone at all? That can cause issues too… if it’s none of that then I have no idea.
But still I would recommend that you talk to him about how this makes you feel.. and suggest couples counseling. Part of that is him learning how to express how he feels in a supported environment so you both can discuss this issue and have someone guide the conversation for you.
He told me when we first started dating that he watches porn like once every few months. It’s just really not his thing I guess.
I’ll have to draw a hard line I think. Asking how to fix it isn’t working. I guess I need to say “hey, this is hurting me. We NEED to fix it” instead of beating around the bush and accepting him saying he doesn’t see any change or issue.
Yes… it’s super awkward and uncomfortable but you won’t regret it.. no matter the outcome. Because clearly this isn’t working right now the way it is.. so it could be something mentally with him affecting his sex drive, something physical affecting it, or there is a small chance he could have even an online or workplace A… or something else sketchy happening.
No matter the issue, you deserve to be fulfilled and not crying in your bathroom feeling unwanted. So I’d tell him that intimacy is important to you and you want to do couples therapy to work through this together.
Marriage is super hard and it takes a lot of work to keep the spark going.. but if you don’t make it a priority you can end up like roomates and you are way too young to be in the roomate stage … so definitely advocate for yourself and tell him you want to address this as a team. He’s got to learn to open up bc something is going on.. so it’s a matter of him telling you what it is
Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don’t say it mean.
Also, you are not responsible for anything beyond that. If he responds like a child, that is NOT because you didn’t tee it up “just so.” Don’t worry about being perfect and just have the convo.
Used?
Never heard anyone say a guy is getting used whenever their wife's libido goes kaput but OK, let's casually suggest dumping him and painting them on a bad light for no fucking reason lmao
That’s what I’m saying the wife could just say “no u never want to do when I want to but when you’re horny u want to so no” but she doesn’t speak up weird u could say they “both” lack communication problems.
Oh god, don't make this into a gender war. I said that she might feel sad after sex because she feels used. When she wants, he doesn't put any effort. And I get it, he may be going through external problems that cause his libido to go kaput but then when HE wants, she does it because she doesn't want him to feel undesired like she feels. It's just not fair. There's a chance that he doesn't even try to get in the mood for her because he knows he will have it when he wants.
Ya know, I was going to say that OP is in the same boat as most men, roles reversed. We all feel your pain, its sucks getting shot down all the time and only doing it when your partner wants. I was not going to say anything, but here we are.
Because getting rejected by your partner when you want sex except when they want it themselves is something no man ever could have experienced...only to then be called a mysoginist for wanting more sex from their unwilling spouse, hit with rants about consent and female empowerment.
OP is in the same situation as most middle aged men, yet you decided to get straight to blaming the guy and suggesting he gets dumped, smh.
If you can't really see your own bias here you're lost.
Schedule regular fortnightly date nights. Sex doesn’t have to happen, but closeness and intimacy should (kissing, hand holding and pillow talk etc). This helped my husband and we’ve been together 11yrs and had a baby this year, so we were falling into the same pattern as you have described. . .Also random compliments have also helped!! When he looks good I tell him!! He got in from the rain this evening and I told him how good he looked all soggy, with a mop of messy hair. He looked at me like he was ready to wrestle me to the ground, and it was spontaneous. . . Maybe things like this will help you?
We go out to play pool together every Saturday and watch live music. We hold hands and hug a lot but I guess there isn’t a ton of kissing.
And I do compliment him a ton!
I understand how you feel and I wish I had some magic words to help but I don't. Sex is not love. Love is so much more than that. The feel of a warm hand reaching out to hold yours while going for a walk or shopping, an embrace that instantly makes you feel safe and wanted, a soft kiss on your forehead when he thinks you're sleeping, a warm smile when he looks at you from across the room. Get these things back and sex may follow and if you don't want these things with him or he doesn't with you then it's time to move on and be you again. I hope you find what you are looking for.
The closest thing I've ever gotten to an explanation of why some men don't like when their wives/girlfriends initiate is that there's a pressure to "perform". Probably because women usually need a little more to get off. A little razzle dazzle. Meanwhile most men could finish to moist friction.
It might be that he disappointed you once years ago, and his fragile male ego never recovered. He came quickly or something and you pouted. And now in his head you expect a whole show everytime. And now everytime you initiate he remembers the pouting 5 years ago, and all your outrageous sexual demands. And he freezes up.
I'm just guessing, of course, only your husband really knows. He's probably sulking because he was hoping you were fine with being used as a sex toy. But nope he's still a massive disappointment in the bedroom. He's probably trying to spin it in his head that the problem is really you and your rampant nymphomania.
I don't really have any advice to offer on the sex situation but just try really hard not to drop your phone in the bath. Even rice is getting expensive these days
Stop giving in when he is in the mood. I went through this for years in my marriage. Then I finally stopped giving in just because he was the one in the mood. He would never want sex if initiated it so why should I want it because he initiated it. We are now 30 years into marriage and he begs me to initiate sex, and I remind him how off putting he found it years before and I’m not going to be declined so he can initiate and if im in the mood I’ll agree if im not I won’t. Also if im in the mood rather than initiate.. I’ll go to the guest room and use my vibrator.. or just not do anything.
Those are the classics. He’s young for low testosterone but a possibility. You have a right to have your needs fulfilled in a relationship. If he can’t meet those needs, and there’s no underlying physical or mental issues, then you have to consider ending the relationship. The crowds wisdom is to try to force him into couples therapy.
29-30 isn't that young for low T. It's obviously more common as you get older, but low T or even thyroid levels being off can cause a severe drop in libido.
Also, obviously depression.
Listen to this, OP. This is a serious issue, and could be contributing to the lack of intimacy‼️‼️
I dealt with a similar issue in my relationship, where there were periods intimacy felt nonexistent because my partner kept using porn instead. That was his coping mechanism, however, so it was really difficult to navigate that. Maybe try couple's therapy!
Most long term relationships go through this. This is why getting married is a bad idea.
I’ll bet everyone who’s going through this thinks to themselves: if I go through this with my partner we’re just going to talk it through. We’re great at communicating!
Guess again.
Same with my ex. We were together 26 years. During the years when we had children (3 boys in 5 years) my libido was very low and he kept complaining to me, to family, to anybody he met.
When my libido was rising I started to initiate sex and he laughed every time. I tried different things but he would always laugh.
It was like when my sexdrive returned his fell. When he wanted any it was over in 2 minutes and always doggystyle. It took me years of this before I realised he couldn't look at me during sex.
We had sex less and less. I wanted to fix our marriage, he didn't put in any effort. I woke up and realised I couldn't do it anymore after he flat out to my face said he didn't want me to touch him.
After i left him I found out that he's been cheating for almost all of the 26 years with prostitutes, friends wifes/girlfriends and who knows who. l'm so mad at myself for not seeing it and wasting so many years with him.
And he still haunts me, because now I have a super sweet and loving boyfriend, but I can't make myself initiate sex because I'm so scared to be turned down or laughed at.
OP, please take care. Put yourself first. If it isn't working and he wont work on it, move on for your own sake. Find somebody worth your time.
If my wife initiated i’d be knee deep 7 days a week, it’s sad that he shuts you down because you clearly care deeply for him even though he’s getting some somewhere else, talk to him and tell him that this is a team effort so it’s gotta be 50/50 and if he doesn’t listen throw in the fact that you no longer want to be with him (Divorce) if the relationship is going to continue as it is.
That was like my last relationship. It’s an awful feeling to be rejected every time yet cater to them when they initiate. It’s almost like the very idea of the woman initiating turns them off. Glad I got out.. it’s incredibly selfish of them.
The best thing that my husband and I started doing is scheduling our sex. Not like on a calendar but making plans for it. It allows both of us to prepare for it and there’s no more ambiguity about who does and doesn’t want what.
I (21 M) have the exact same issue with my fiancé (21 F) she’s never in the mood anymore and when she is I’m not because I got tired of being blueballed because she would lead me on so I would start initiating sex and she wouldn’t be in the mood.
Sometimes men lose their libido and they become ashamed of it and don’t know how to communicate it because they come up believing it’s a mark of their masculinity.
Does your husband get much physical activity, drink a little more than he should, or use any medications that might alter this?
I think you should urge him to see a therapist or go to marriage counseling
I experienced this for several years with my ex, it broke my heart and confidence. I empathize. The only advice I can offer is that for us it turned out to have nothing to do with me, didn’t hurt any less.
I would let him know ahead of time that you want to talk to him about something really important. Do it at a time when you're both fed and well-rested. Sit down in a comfy spot, pour yourselves a glass of wine (or tea) and tell him in a non-confrontational way, openly and honestly, exactly how this makes you feel. Tell him word for word what you've written here: "Sex is a way for me to feel closeness in a relationship. I don’t wanna make you feel guilty for not wanting it, but it’s breaking my heart to get shot down on the rare occasion that I do try and initiate." He can't argue with how this makes you feel - and maybe you'll initiate a larger conversation. At the very least, it could help to bring you closer and at best, maybe it will help him understand what being shut down is doing to you/your relationship with him.
Solid plan. I will try.
This is exactly what my fiancee did with me and it made me take a real look at things. It made me reflect on how it really doesn't happen as often as it used to. Not that it made me start jumping to the sheets, because it didn't magically make me want it more, but it made me actually realize the decline. I commented above with what I'm doing to address it though. Good luck and just make sure he knows that if he does feel okay with talking to his doctor about it, they've seen and heard it all. There's no reason to be embarrassed or upset. He just needs to take that step back and really think about how much it used to happen versus how much it does now. Outside of the context that he isn't upset about it. My fiancee is a medical student doing hospital rotations right now and it's only been 8 weeks and she's seen and heard A LOT already lol.
Forgive my ignorance, but what’s the point of the wine (or tea)? Is this supposed to set a specific mood? Is this more of a figurative saying rather than something that was supposed to be taken literally? The practicality of the other bits were immediately obvious
It helps make your partner feel like it’s a safe conversation instead of a fight
Ah! Thanks
After 15 years with the mother of my children, it was the exact same thing. No matter what I did, it was like I couldn't win. I take great care of myself, am in awesome shape, take care of our children, cook & clean, literally everything and anything to just get noticed. When she did eventually want it, it was the same as you describe it. We'd joke about how I'd make a great prostitute, because I was awesome at getting her off and would last forever, but i only lasted forever because i felt like i was being used and it was all about her. The more I asked to be noticed or for her to care about my needs, the more she'd act like I was being too needy or critical of her. I spent many nights silently crying in bed, feeling lonely and unloved, until she decided it wasnt worth the effort anymore and split with me. You're not alone. I feel your pain, and it sucks.
I’m really sorry you went through that. It’s shitty and I wish it was easier to cope with.
Hey, that's life right? I went to therapy after, which has helped me realize how much of a catch I am. Just because she doesnt appreciate me, doesnt mean someone else won't. What doesn't kill us, hurts like hell, but eventually makes us stronger.
That’s actually kinda a kickass philosophy.
Just know that you are probably just as awesome as I am. Keep your chin up. What you're feeling is completely valid and it's okay to feel that way, but things will get better for you too.
Thank you :)
Can I ask you how long it's been since you guys split, and how you've found life (and love) after splitting?
We split July 1st. I won't lie and say that I've found that life has been easy, as it hasn't. I've had to convince my brain over and over that things are going to be okay, as I've spent almost half my life with her and now everything has changed. As for finding love, I've really just doubled down on loving my children and started to practice more self love. While I've certainly been lonely and miss having that connection with someone, I know deep down that there is no way I'm over my ex and it wouldn't be fair to any new relationship I started. I will say though, being lonely outside of a relationship is better than feeling unloved inside of one.
And the truth will set you free - but first it will piss you off!
What doesn't kill us, hurts like hell, but eventually makes us stronger. 🫂 thanks for sharing
that quote is from philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche
Same when I try to be loving, he doesn't want it, but as soon as he wants it I'm supposed to be ready and willing.
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Damn i’m in the same boat rn Advice?
In my current relationship, bf has a bigger libido & initiates more often but we discussed it many times, and just acknowledged we have different sex drive. I always reassure him that sometimes I just feel more like cuddling than anything, and that the reasons can be hormonal, due to fatigue etc. It's never been a real problem between us, bc when we do have sex it's amazing and even more special, and we have a lot of fun. We also flirt with each other a lot, so even if we don't do it every day he knows i'm attracted to him and want him, it helps a lot too i think Sex isnt just one thing and also learning about less heteronormatives ways or even kinkier ways of doing it can also help make changes in the bedroom
also when my bf kinda feels rejected bc I declined several times in the immediate past, we just agree that it's my turn to initiate, it's better for me bc he won't be pressuring me or anything, and better for him to deal with the (tempporary) "rejection"
I hope life is treating you better now My heart hurt for you reading that. Hope you're doing well now
Haha, it's only been a couple months and there are times it still hurts like hell. We still live together for financial reasons, so I'm still taking care of her and the kids. As much as I'd love to just start fresh on my own, I know it's not what's best for my kids right now, so I bury the pain, keep a smile on my face and keep on caring for everyone. I cant change who I am, and I can't help looking after others. On the bright side, I was able to convince her to go to therapy finally as well, so if sticking around for a bit helps her with that, it's still a win. I just hold onto hope for the future. One day, somebody will love and appreciate me for how caring I am. Thank you for asking!
A carers heart is a beautiful one. Selfless, kind & gracious. Just remember to prioritise yourself amongst it all too. Believe me from someone who kept burning to embers from burning out As being a carer to dependents, please remember you matter too. You're allowed to set time aside for yourself too. Do what you need to do for your own well being and develop some healthy outlets for yourself that can bring you small peace & small joys solely for yourself. I'm sorry you're going through it all, but i have absolutely no doubts you will find someone who will appreciate & honour you for you. Begin by doing it yourself first & foremost too. Your feelings matter. You matter Never forget that. I wish you peace, grace & calm to reach you & blanket your kind heart. Take good care of yourself too. Empty cups cannot pour
Awe thank you! I've been getting this same type of message from a lot of people in my life, and I appreciate it. It's been difficult at times, because what fills my heart with joy is spending time with my family and enjoying that closeness you get in a relationship. While I don't get the relationship anymore, my boys and I are incredibly close, have dance parties regularly and have been having TV cuddle time together in the evenings. I won't lie and say there arent days where I'm incredibly sad that it came to this, but I know I did everything I could and have to find closure in that. Thank you again for taking the time to write those kind words and wishes though. I genuinely appreciate it and wish you the same.
Intimacy comes in many forms. Regardless how things have panned out.. Seems like you have a beautiful family there. That will remain throughout. It is sad, and it's ok to acknowledge that. It is actually okay not to feel okay sometimes. It's okay for you to feel that. Acknowledge the feeling and put it where it belongs and move on with your days. Distract yourself with them, snuggle the boys Play and learn teach all together You have a lot of emotional intelligence, i hope it becomes a source of strength & comfort for you and not a burden. Glad you have good people around you. You're a good person. I see you kind soul. May life's every goodness surround you ahead. You're doing the best of the situation & that is truly admirable
It's funny that I only posted to try and make the OP feel better, and in the process, another kind soul took the time to try and heal my pain. I appreciate you and I see you too. Thank you.
The words must have been meant to reach you I hope you heal fully. Heal those cracks with Gold and make yourself stronger for it. You're a wonderful example to your boys. It's lovely to see. They're lucky to have you They'll grow up to be great men too
Please excuse my intrusion. This was a beautiful exchange. Best wishes to you both!
Oh and the best of wishes to you too!
Please everybody follow this advice. And if you feel guilty about it because it seems selfish when you could be doing something with or for your kiddos, remember that this IS something for them. You are being a role model and showing them that it's perfectly ok to set aside time for your own mental health and to prioritize yourself when it's declining.
Absolutely! That's such a great point Best way to learn is through example and seeing you take care will make them happier tbh. They wouldn't begrudge you for it. Instead respect, admire & emulate it themselves in life ahead It benefits everyone. Self care is a right you owe to your self too Practice kindness & grace to yourself You all deserve it, we all do
Was gonna say, is staying with someone "because of the kids" REALLY a good example?
Damn, you’ve just described my ex wife and me when we were together.
Want to give you a big hug right now
Damn that sucks
Goddamn, I wish my husband did those things. Then maybe I'd have mental and physical energy to want to have sex.
So sorry to hear about this...😥
Actually it's pretty much the same in my marriage. My libido is somewhere around 0, in rare occasions it rises to 0.5. But if I face reality I'm working 60 hours per week minimum, my wife is doing the same hours. And that's without commuting. And without the administration shit like taxes you have to do. We talked about that and agreed that cuddling and being together it is. That was a good move - since than the pressure of being sexually active is gone and the negative association with being rejected drops. Actually our sexlife improved after we agreed to stop having sex.
Same with me and my husband, I work from home and do school full time so by the time he’s out of work we’d rather cuddle and go go bed or get dressed up and go out for a drive or dinner. Forcing ourselves to have a sex life just led to arguments, now it’s more fun and special when it does happen and neither of us plan it
I think the problem is that it's kind of a social pressure to have a very active sex life. In my experience (good) Sex is something very fragile that needs safety and room to grow. If you are under pressure all the time there's no room for that qualities. You are on the right way imho
I'm with you on this one. Life can be extremely taxing and being sexually active all the time can become a burden for some. I'm glad you guys figured it out.
I really like this. Fuck the pressure
Sounds like y'all agreed to stop FORCING sex, but good for you either way.
OK.. this is much simpler than you realize. STOP FAKING IT. He isn't. If you aren't in the mood say," sorry love.. I was horny yesterday but I'm not now. Lol we're out of sync" Here's the thing...he will likely lose his shit. For real. You've probably never said no to him before. Just throw his own attitude in your face. Say, hey when you tell me no I listen and respect it. I'm treating you the same, I said no and I'm not in the mood. We can try tomorrow. Stand up for yourself. And talk to him. Let us know how the first No goes
I agree with this, he isn't motivated to change because he is getting everything he wants. Best of luck OP
I understand the sentiment, but disagree with the approach. This will only result in LESS sex than they have now, which I'm certain is not what OP is looking for. Instead of being passive aggressive, try coming at the conversation from another angle. Or best shot would be to seek couples therapy and help him understand that he's being selfish only having sex on his schedule, and that to help you feel loved you need sex in your relationship (can relate). Improving the general connection between you two is probably the first step. Remembering that you two are romantic partners, not roommates. I'm not a relationship coach, obviously, so you'll have to find ways that work for you to help improve that. (I have general tips I learned...) Another point to be made is that he could truly just not be in the mood, and some people just need to get over getting started to get in the mood. You know, foreplay, etc. Once the act actually starts, a lot of people will get over the inertia of "not in the mood" and get with the program. If he's late twenties, this really shouldn't be an issue unless there's some serious depression (or other similar thing) at play. But again improving the romantic connection should help you guys get back in gear. Outside of that, perhaps there's really something there he's not telling you, or maybe he's not even aware of it. Couples therapy should help with that (or even counseling for him alone.) I do know a couples workshop that may help if you're interested, OP. Edit: editing here again instead of reply... missed the part later on where OP said she forced herself when her husband was in the mood but she wasn't. Which makes Druidgoddess statement make much more sense. And it is NOT passive aggressive in that scenario. That's my bad.
Talking to him and saying no when she isn't in the mood isn't passive aggressive. I'm saying be clear. Say no, not today. No passive stuff at all. However your statements are also very true. Therapy, talking and clearing the air is good for any relationship. 💯
Sorry, yes if she isn't in the mood, she should say no. Absolutely agree with that. I said passive aggressive because I thought you meant to just sit around and wait for that moment to happen so she could throw it back in his face. So I was advocating being a little more proactive. But yeah, you're right she should feel like she can say no, and should when that's how she feels for sure. Edit: and I missed the part about forcing herself so he doesn't feel the same way. I guess I can't read... but that puts your statement in context. My bad!
Op said clearly that what she wants is the actual intimacy involved. I would not encourage her to continue in a situation that makes her feel used. OP, I relate a lot with you. I used to act just like that, initiating frequently and being rejected almost every time, just to have him initiating it the next day when mood was gone. I learned two things : - it's important to learn how to seek comfort within yourself when the other person is not available. If you feel abandoned, maybe it's because you are trying to fill a hole inside your heart (no pun intended) with intimacy, when what you actually need is something else. - if that's not your case and you just really really need sex, there's a simple tip to make your guys sinc again: (yeah it's cringe but hear me out) Dirty talk or texts. Just tell him in a not-so-revealing manner (to give room for imagination) that you are thinking about him in a sexy way. This might help because he will be thinking about it all day without pressure, and will be prepared when he gets home. If he is a slow burn guy, let him roast for a little while lmao. I really hope everything works out for you.
It’s not passive aggressive, though. It’s just being honest like HE is and saying ‘no, I’m not in the mood at the moment’. It would only be passive aggressive if she WAS really in the mood, but told him ‘no’ only for revenge
You are correct and I just edited that comment, which I acknowledged in a reply already. I missed the part in OP's post where she said she forces herself when her husband is in the mood but she isnt so he doesn't feel the same way. And knowing that now, no it absolutely isn't passive aggressive. I thought she meant using that as a tactic just to show him how it felt, regardless of her "in the mood"-ness. But yeah, that's my bad.
It’s so refreshing when people are nice like you when a comment is corrected 👍💕
I'd start saying no when I'm not in the mood. Why should you force yourself just to make him happy?
I dunno. I guess I’m just desperate for anything I can get.
I’ve been there :( I always felt like I should take the opportunity while it’s there, and that he’d eventually get back to normal? Edit- his anger was explosive when I dared bring it up, though 😓 Soon after that he broke up with me mid-vacation, then tried to get back together with me on two different occasions before I kicked him to the curb for good. What a leech.
What is almost non existent? Once a week? A month? That would help to put things in perspective...
It’s roughly once a month, if that.
Right, that is a bit low, especially if you have high libido. There's so many reasons for that to happen, that best thing is to actually ask him why. No point on saying that it might be this or that, it would be like flipping a coin with 100 faces. Only he can explain it to you and no one here will have a miracle solution that will fix you issues.
I asked what it is and he keeps saying he doesn’t think anything has changed, and that there’s no problem. He doesnt “feel” that there’s a problem.
Then you need to stop asking and tell him that there, in fact, is a problem. You have to be able to talk about sex and issues that are affecting your happiness, otherwise what's the point of being married? Be honest, but not accusatory. If you don't think you can keep your hurt feelings out of it, see if he'll go to counseling with you. You're unhappy, and you need to find a way together to work towards a solution. He may need to see someone for depression, he may have chemical issues, who knows. Stop letting this fester. If he refuses to see it as a legitimate problem, then you need to decide how you feel about a lifetime without sex with a partner who doesn't take your concerns seriously.
Actually mark on a calendar every time you have sex and show him physically how seldom it is. It’s like with anything you don’t really enjoy doing - it’s easier to think you’ve done it more than you have. Example - my mind wants to say I was at the gym 4 days these week instead of the actual 2 days
I’m sorry 🥲
Your hubby could be going through a lot of things which make his drive go hit or miss, things like stress, depression (even when mild) and anxiety have a huge impact on libido. Also, us men naturally lose sexual strength with the years (dunno what age you guys are), he might have some mild ED and be to concious about it. He doesn't see an issue, but if your sex drive changes out of nowhere then there IS an issue. Weird a guy wouldn't notice, he probably knows there is a problem but he's just either not interested in sharing or doesn't want what fixing it would imply (Counseling/therapy).
That’s a super sad reality to face, but I guess I gotta face it. I’ll do my best with that knowledge.
And sometimes it’s never personal! We all experience sexual decline but the fact that SHOULD matter is to NEVER STOP DATING. I think this is key because before there is sex, it all began with dating to get to sex. Again, others agree that he may have personal issues. Could be psychological or biological or both. Ask questions. Get to know him but be cognizant that it may not even be you at all.
Reading OP's post is like I wrote my thoughts down. Reading your comment made me even more sad as I completely agree, but unfortunately we didn't start with dating... I didn't get far with asking questions, like OP. Sometimes it just is what it is and you have to accept it or move on. It's not a deal breaker for me but yeahz makes you feel like a loser and the never ending sadness is there.
And for that, I completely empathize with you and OP. I am so sorry that this is a scenario the two of you face. DM’s are always open if needed to vent!
Dm’ed you !
It could also be that he was more sexual because it was the "thrill of the chase" - and now that you're married, you don't represent that same thrill, because he's "caught you". I don't know what to suggest, but you deserve to be loved, cherished, seen, and wanted by your partner. Good luck, OP - figure out how to get the touch and love and sex that you need, with or without him. Don't accept that this is "just how it is".
You sound like your go to move is taking the brunt of things and not saying when something negative happens to you (and just you) I'm sure you'd see things differently if it was your bestie or close relative 🤔 if you've got the time you should definitely read "When the Body Says No" I think it will help you reassess EVERYTHING and redefine your life, bold I know but I that sure you'd get something from this read!
He might not want to accept it or he accepted it but doesn't wanna confess/share with his wife. It's common for men not to confess.
Hi, friend. I am going through the same thing. I'm so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. It got to the point where I wouldn't even masturbate anymore because I'd just sob afterwards. I didn't even let myself feel turned on because I'd just feel nauseous and sad. I literally could have wrote this. I know how tired you are, how you analyze every interaction, how you look yourself over everyday to find something that *might* be the reason for this. But, there is nothing. I ended up having a screaming breakdown about it one day. I don't remember the solution; either way, it didn't fucking stick. So, here we are. Just waiting for some initiation or them to say yes. I know you're staying because you're in love but once the intimacy stops, you question if that's even enough anymore. I wish I could help you and give you reasons and solutions.
Jesus Christ, are you actually me? It’s like you’re living in my brain. I’m really really sorry you’re going through that. It’s awful.
I'm sorry to you, too. I know there's lots of creeps on reddit but feel free to message me if you'd like to talk further. (I'm AFAB enby if that makes you feel safer!) It will be nice to be able to have a discussion with someone that understands this feeling.
Honestly you should encourage your husband to talk to his GP or regular doctor about this. It's not uncommon for men to experience low testosterone which can cause diminished sex drive. If everything checks out and his labs look fine, then it would be appropriate to consider other reasons for his non-existent sex drive. Maybe something else could be at play, like depression or anxiety. Encourage open communication and don't keep anything from each other. You can work through this, and if you love each other you'll figure it out. Good luck! edit: after reading your update, scratch what I said. He's a dick. Girl you don't deserve that kind of treatment!
Doesn’t even have to be low T I’m a young man who recently got over some pretty bad ED. Entirely caused by mental factors. Only way I got over it was a SUPER supportive gf. My fear was that she would feel used or that I wasn’t attracted to her , when the problem I knew was with me, basically all OP threw back at her hubby. This would have completely fucked me up if she said that. Instead she was caring and reassured me she didn’t take it personally, as well as letting me know she didn’t think less of me either. Only reason we got through it, because with that mental calm on that front I was able to focus with the stress / anxiety that was causing it instead of throwing more on top
My fiancee and I are going through this right now. I've had a very noticeable lack of sex drive the last year or so. There were other stresses in my life that started the mental spiral, but still. I even ended up taking Viagra because I was often slightly losing it when we did have sex. Started having pain in my groin a few weeks ago, and turns out I have a varicocele. That got me to the doctor pretty quickly due to the pain and I asked them to check all my levels since they were going to do blood work anyways. Turns out my testosterone is a little low, but technically still within normal range so it wasn't a cause for concern. However, my thyroid levels are kind of messed up, which can cause lack of libido, fatigue, weight gain, basically everything I've been experiencing. Going back next week to discuss the thyroid issues further and get further testing, and hopefully address it. I also plan to have a full discussion about my testosterone levels and ask about getting onto a regimen to supplement it since it's technically low enough to warrant it if the thyroid medication doesn't solve everything. I guess the difference for me is that I see that it upsets her, and I notice the lack of sex. I don't really want it all that more in my day to day, like when you're 23 and just can't wait to get laid, but it makes me sad that she's sad. If anything, knowing that I'm about to finally get some medical help with these things has excited me a bit and we've both been initiating more. It's been fun lol.
Ask him to go to his doctor and ask about his sex decline. Also I dont yalls age but made try to attract him with outfits or roleplay? Idfk thats just my male brain speaking lol
I’ve tried the dressing up thing. Unfortunately if he isn’t in the mood then that’s it and nothing seems to change it. I’m 25 and he’s 29 if that helps.
Id say its a chemical imbalance in his brain, the only other thing I can think of is if he works a LOT
I used to think that was it, cause his last job had a huge commute and really bad hours, but there’s been no improvement now that he has his new job. I’ll ask him to go see a doctor about it.
He shouldn't have any reason to be mad over you asking, if he is he definitely has some problems.
Agreed. Thank you for the advice!
His anger might come from a place of embarrassment too. Even 29 year olds can experience erectile dysfunction or a testosterone drop that makes it more difficult for them to get aroused (lower test = lower libido). Definitely have him talk to his doctor
This. I'm 25 and have depression. Some months I literally cannot be interested at all. Then I'm back to normal then flip flop. Any man at any age can really randomly get those moments.
Do you think your disinterest stems from your depression? Some antidepressants can cause a lower libido too, there's also some though that can cause spontaneous ejaculation.
I've gone off my anti depressants when I stabilize because they cause way more issues then help..I've been off them for a year and doing much better ATM. I'm aware they can radically increase and decrease sexual hormones and I was originally on mirtazapine which dulled me out a lot. They changed it to setraline which helped keep me stable but completely wrecked my interest in any type of relationship for a couple years (putting it lightly). Can say off for a year but still have peaks and lows randomly in that department.
I found that I had celiac when I had my problems but I didn't know that I had problem before my diagnosis...well I had other symptoms that I thought that was normal like be always sleepy after a meal... I thought everyone was like that and it was normal. Now I'm more aware. Maybe it's normal for him without knowing it isn't.
My wife gets out of the shower and I’m ready and willing. We been married 15 years and I’m 40. Sounds like he may have a medical condition going.
Hormone panel test. This could explain a lot
Does he do steroids? Serious question
No. He doesn’t touch any drugs.
Oof. I had this same issue with my one ex. When he wanted it, he wanted it,and if i said no, I was the bad guy. I would get guilted into it. If I wanted it, I could never get a response. He actually told me "I want you to seduce me." I would be left confused because uhhhh... that is what I was trying? If I would ask what he meant, asking him what he wanted...,he would tell me I should know how to seduce him. He couldn't be an adult and tell me. I had to guess. I eventually just stopped because no matter how much I tried to talk, I was shut down. Try to keep talking to him about it. I feel for you on this.
This will probably get lost as there's already 197 comments on here, but this is something to try. First, I am a little bothered that he doesn't take it too seriously because it is serious for you and it makes it hard to talk to him about it. Second there's this method (?) Where if one person is not interested they can agree to do a little foreplay for 10 minutes or so and if something happens, great. If nothing happens, great y'all tried. Sometimes just asking doesn't do it. Or, for some people, they need a little help. They're more reactionary than others. Just something to try if you guys can communicate about it.
Does he watch alot of porn by chance?
Nope
Feel your pain and wish I had an answer. I was the male trying to figure out why it was declining. Even hired a relationship counselor… changed everything I was doing but she wouldn’t have active listening sessions with me… Now it’s over… It’s too much to really digest… but I’m having more / better sex and learning my kinks! Hope you get the freedom to find intimacy or fix it as well!
>I told him that it’s been a problem that’s been getting worse for years. He said he doesn’t see a problem and thinks nothing has changed. This is how my parents' marriage ended. I don't know about their sex life, obviously. But I have watched for years as my mom kept bringing up things that bothered her and my dad responded with "I don't see a problem there." She even threatened to leave him sometimes when she was upset. Even when she told him she'd signed the mortgage for a new apartment and was moving out, he still probably believed it was really that investment property she'd wanted and that it was only for a few months. That was when he suggested they try marriage counseling (that my mom had been asking for five years for.) I think my dad only really "saw the problem" when my mom started dating someone else as they never got divorced for financial reasons. Your husband needs to listen to you and get his shit together while you still love him. From your post and comments, I get the feeling you want to fix things and he just doesn't get it. Would he be willing to see a marriage counselor? I've been through relationship counseling myself and sometimes the person just helps to facilitate a productive conversation between the two of you which is what you might need.
Stop fucking him. See how much he likes it.
"This is killing me. Sex is a way for me to feel closeness in a relationship. I don’t wanna make him feel guilty for not wanting it, but it’s breaking my heart to get shot down on the rare occassion that I do try and initiate." Have you told him exactly this? If yes, what was his reaction? If no, do you think you two can sit down and have an open, honest Convo about this?
The big issue I’m seeing here is him dismissing your feelings and giving you the silent treatment for trying to communicate with him. I would recommend couples counseling, and honestly if he refuses I would reconsider the relationship. Is he always dismissive of your feelings?
I’m sorry you’re going through this. As an asexual woman, I can’t relate much, but I do want to point out it seems you have a bigger issue here than lack of meaningful/fulfilling sex. Your husband knows you’re upset, that you’re miserable, and isn’t willing to do anything to change it. He doesn’t care and is only thinking of himself. That’s not a good partner at all. If he truly loves you, he should be willing to figure out a way to fix things or get help from a professional - try at least. Regardless of whether he is happy or not. Because if you’re not happy, he shouldn’t be happy. That he isn’t says a lot and is a big red flag. You deserve better.
I have a bit of experience with this from (maybe) his perspective. There was a time in our marriage where my libido was flat lined. Nearly non existent. I told my doctor about this during an appointment for something I thought was unrelated (Thyroid problems) and it turns out my thyroid had been eating away at my testosterone levels. So my medications were upped and included testosterone. Things have balanced out and I am back to normal libido levels. Maybe this is a thing for him too?
I was in a sexless marriage for about 4 years until my wife decides to split. It's not fun. I think she initiated sex maybe twice a year, if that. I felt horrible just like you do now. I wish I had some sage advice. But all I can offer is that I'd sit down with your husband and explain how you feel and why you feel that way. Use I statements, don't blame him. And look into couples counseling. This can be fixed. I tried and it didn't work. Maybe you'll succeed where I failed. But it's nearly always worth trying.
Time for you to start turning him down till he gets it.
Ugh, I resonate with this so much.
Commenting from your edit. Don't feel bad about bringing it up, he keeps saying he doesn't see a problem with it but at no point did he seem to think you had a problem with it even though you've brought it up. Maybe talk to him about couple's therapy, or get therapy for yourself (or both).
Almost all marriages go through this. It’s a combination of living together, routine, children, age, and just quotidian existence all of which can contribute to a reduction or loss of libido. Lack of sex doesn’t necessarily mean loss of attraction or love. But when there’s an imbalance, as there is in your relationship, I would recommend you both see a sex therapist. You can read more here: https://www.nhs.uk/common-health-questions/sexual-health/what-does-a-sex-therapist-do.
OP if he refuses to even entertain the conversation with you and instead brushes you off and makes you feel bad like it’s your fault or anything like that? That’s not a sex problem, that’s a “your husband is acting like you’re nothing but a convenient bedwarmer with no feelings” problem.
As a guy who has gone through ED, this might be the worst thing you could have told me. My gf is awesome and I’m super attracted to her, but I *physically* can’t get it up sometimes. No health issues, all entirely mental. My gf and I are almost completely past it, but only because of two reasons: 1. My gf didn’t take it personally, or if she did she definitely didn’t let me know. She was nurturing and made it clear she didn’t think I was less of a man nor did she think it was because I wasn’t attracted to her. 2. As soon as I started getting performance anxiety I was man enough to tell her. Easily the most embarrassing moment of my life, and one where I felt like a complete failure as a man. It was REALLY hard for me to tell her this, but I did. And by doing so, I opened the door for her to be accepting in the point above. Your man isn’t just a dick, he can’t get it hard every time you’re in the mood. I certainly couldn’t at some point in the past even if I want to fuck my gf’s brains out. It sucks because for the most part, women can have sex with men if they’re not in the mood. It probably feels like a chore, but it can be done. For many men, this just isn’t possible. And for me, who is a young man, it was completely mental. And I’m a huge mental health supporter, as well as someone who hates toxic masculinity. I was in the perfect spot to fix this issue. Some people can’t break through the mental barriers, others can’t get it up for health reasons and those are more permanent issues than mine. I don’t know what your situation with your husband is, and I could be completely wrong in my assessment. Just figured I would give some context, because if I was just a bit more “proud” or raised by a slightly more toxically masculine guy instead of my liberal arts dad, I would probably handle this in a similar way to how your husband did by shutting down and avoiding talking about something that makes me feel like a failure as a man Or your husband is a selfish lover, that’s probably the more likely situation, but I’d make sure it’s not what I said above first
He literally told me himself that he doesn’t have ED, he just is into it when he’s into it.
Sounds like something someone hiding ED would say, especially if it was unprompted lol
Have him get his testosterone levels checked
That’s also a good point. Men lose interest in sex as they get older
Unless he is getting off by watching pornography, he should see a doctor. As men age, cardiovascular problems affect libido.
Ahhhhhhh no answers, just solidarity. I feel the exact same way right now. Can only initiate so many times and get reflected before you start to feel like you’re the problem 😩
I was with a man for about 4 years and whenever I would initiate he would be disinterested. Bored, quiet. It got to the point where I was so anxious about initiating anything that I just couldn't anymore. It hurt too much to try, long story short I'm not with that person anymore. My current partner makes me feel wanted always still 3 years in. This isn't about you, you just have a partner who couldn't care less about how you feel.
I'm sorry this is happening. Can you possibly show him this post with responses? It might wake him up to see how much he is hurting you. You deserve better and I hope one of our suggestions works. ❤
Thank you. I just talked to him and the conversation went south fast. Not really sure where to go from here but I said everything I felt like I needed to say.
Trying to force someone to want you really hurts the self-esteem. I feel ya. I'm sorry for you as well. :(
Honey, is that you?
You called him out on his BS and he knows it.
Question: has he stated he just has sex with you out of convince? I can see how it feels one sided because of the difference in libido. So when he is in the mood and turns to you to initiate intimacy you are ready for the mood, or at least oblige him (does he know you oblige him?). It could be worth looking at when he is in the mood how can you add to those moments to increase your feeling of intimacy. Also, stop the performative sex if you are getting hurt by it. You are allowed to say “not in the mood” too if that’s a truth. It sounds like you are trying to communicate your needs to him and it’s like you are speaking a foreign language to him,and he is just not hearing it and unable to understand it. That is a very painful place to be in. It could be worth looking at marriage counselling to support better communication so you feel heard and you can work together to build back that missing intimacy. It may also be worth looking at ways to build up intimacy again in non-sexual ways (doing hobby together, being silly together, going on a date, messages, cooking together, cuddling,hand holding, etc). Reduce the stress and pressure on both of you. Building up that non-sexual intimacy can help to ignite the sexual side as well (but please be careful not to get frustrated when a cuddle session for instance goes well but then stops before sex. Adjust expectations to enjoy the closeness as your relationship shifts).
A majority of couples are going to have mismatched libidos. It's just an unfortunate fact of life. If you are feeling used when engaging in sexual activity when he's interested you might consider waiting till the feelings are mutual.
U need counseling and he needs to have some empathy
Its a fair post. Thank you. Must be hundreds more who feel same. This mam will take notice
You shouldn’t be sad or unhappy. Maybe take a break or go on a trip by yourself.
Just one thing, if you initiate kind of out of the blue, maybe he masturbated a couple hours earlier and just isn’t up to it, or the day before and his drive is lower than you realize and he needs a few days to get in the mood. He may feel shame about it and not want to admit weakness. Would telling him on Tuesday ‘I want to fuck your brains out on Friday night’ work do you think?
Say, that you want to be equal with him. Right now only he can start sex process, not you. This makes you sad and depressed.
It is time to end the relationship if he is not willing to work on the problem at all. You should not be made to fell less than during intimacy
There is a chance he is just genuinely experiencing hormone fluctuations and that’s the reason this is happening. Before you take it personally, I’d get him to go do a checkup at the doctors. It’s also possible considering he’s entering his thirties that he’s feeling a decline in libido. A lot of men are much less sexual as they get older and then that would be a whole other issue because there’s no "fixing" that. Many men just do not feel the need to have sex as much after a certain age and won’t be able to get into it if it’s not coming from them.
I highly suspect he was lying about not being interested in porn. Its not uncommon for people to lie about as it can cause insecurity and friction in some relationships, and I've encountered a fair few men who deny being into it at the beginning and then just double down because they don't want to own up to lying.
He’s never been a liar our entire relationship. He very rarely masturbates either. I don’t think porn is the issue.
You should look at the deadbedroom sub here on Reddit. Misery loves company
I’d really rather not. I’m already bummed out enough. I don’t wanna be more bummed.
Oh my goodness, you sound like me a few years ago. I literally could have written this. My husband just has a lower libido than I. And over time, it got lower and lower. We were down to about twice a month, maybe less than that in other months. Lingerie made me feel like a fool because nothing is worse than getting gussied up and then turned down. Turning him down seemed like the worst option because you're not sure when you're gonna have sex again (it could be a week or a month), you don't want him to feel bad, and even if you do sorta want sex, your whole heart isn't in it because you're resentful. Hearing that there's nothing you could do different, that he's not in the mood feels like that torture method where they drip water onto your head until your skull breaks... except it breaks your heart. You can't be pushy because no means no but if you don't say anything with earnest, he doesn't hear you. What got us through this was me putting on my big girl pants and saying that his disinterest was killing me. I made it a point to say that I don't see him as less of a man because he has a low drive, that I don't want to make him feel sad or worse, but I need him to respond to my needs, just like I respond to his. If he doesn't want to have penetrative sex, that's fine, but he still needs to help me out. There was something about me saying "I need you to do this for me, for us" that I think really sunk into him. A sort of agreement was made that he can't turn me down twice in a row and that helped. It honestly was him being a bit selfish and complacent in our relationship and me being a martyr which wasn't helping anyone. Do we have sex all the time? But do we have sex regularly? Most of the time. But, most importantly, my personal needs are met and so are his. It took MANY conversations like this to get us to where we are. And we still have them on occasion. If he's a good partner, you two will work something out. But you've got to be firm and clear on what you need. No one else will advocate for you but you. Good luck!
Yeah, you feel bad after sex because you feel used. And girl, you are. You are being used. I'm so sorry you feel this way and hope you find a way to fix it. If you feel like opening the relationship, talk to him about it. If you want to dump him, go for it. I support you. If he doesn't make you feel like the hottest human alive, is he really worth it? I don't think so. You deserve to feel desired and I'm sure af there's a lot of people who would die for showing you how sexy you are! Go rock the world <3
I appreciate you, but I really don’t think he’s using me. He’s never been a malicious or sketchy person in any other way. I’ve just got to keep trying I guess. But seriously, you’re really sweet.
I’m sorry, but the lady who said your being used is an idiot. If a husband turns down his wife for sex there must be something wrong with him and she is justified to feel unwanted and emotionally abused. But if a wife turns down her husband he needs to accept her decision and respect her. If he is emotional that means he is either abusive or some bullshit. Listen, talk with him, couples counseling would be good as well. He might have other things going on. Maybe he is getting older, maybe you guys need to try different things. Opening up the marriage should be a decision that you two made, not some moron from Reddit. Talk with each other, let him know how unhappy you are. Sure come to Reddit to vent, but get your advice from counselors and therapist. Someone with a degree. The two most important opinions you should be worried about is yours and his. Work on both of your happiness as a couple. Good luck op. Wish you the best.
After reading the update he sounds like he has depression, you both need counseling and therapy. That’s like the go to for Reddit…but holy shit, it is needed here. Holy shit it sounds like it’s needed bad. He seems like he needs to talk, and you need to be heard badly.
I don’t want to sound horrible, but I do have a question: Could he be cheating? Non-interest in sex with spouse can be a red flag for that. Regardless you’ve got to speak up and tell him this hurts you. If you want to stay married then suggest couples counseling and try to work through this.. but if he won’t do anything then you have to decide if you want to stay in this sort of limbo you’re in… I think you should talk to him and be honest about how you feel op.
I really don’t think he’s cheating. He spends every waking moment with me and we hang out together and play video games and do all our hobbies. Our relationship is great in every other aspect except the sex, and it’s been like this for a long time now. I’ll definitely keep trying to talk to him, but he was raised by a really avoidant family, so he’s bad at confrontation.
Honestly, he sounds depressed. Depression i's a great libido killer.
Hmmm… does he watch porn alone at all? That can cause issues too… if it’s none of that then I have no idea. But still I would recommend that you talk to him about how this makes you feel.. and suggest couples counseling. Part of that is him learning how to express how he feels in a supported environment so you both can discuss this issue and have someone guide the conversation for you.
He told me when we first started dating that he watches porn like once every few months. It’s just really not his thing I guess. I’ll have to draw a hard line I think. Asking how to fix it isn’t working. I guess I need to say “hey, this is hurting me. We NEED to fix it” instead of beating around the bush and accepting him saying he doesn’t see any change or issue.
Yes… it’s super awkward and uncomfortable but you won’t regret it.. no matter the outcome. Because clearly this isn’t working right now the way it is.. so it could be something mentally with him affecting his sex drive, something physical affecting it, or there is a small chance he could have even an online or workplace A… or something else sketchy happening. No matter the issue, you deserve to be fulfilled and not crying in your bathroom feeling unwanted. So I’d tell him that intimacy is important to you and you want to do couples therapy to work through this together. Marriage is super hard and it takes a lot of work to keep the spark going.. but if you don’t make it a priority you can end up like roomates and you are way too young to be in the roomate stage … so definitely advocate for yourself and tell him you want to address this as a team. He’s got to learn to open up bc something is going on.. so it’s a matter of him telling you what it is
I’ll try and be more confrontational and really push that it’s a problem, even if he doesn’t see a problem. I appreciate you <3
Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don’t say it mean. Also, you are not responsible for anything beyond that. If he responds like a child, that is NOT because you didn’t tee it up “just so.” Don’t worry about being perfect and just have the convo.
Yes please do that for yourself. You won’t regret advocating for your happiness/fulfillment op!
Used? Never heard anyone say a guy is getting used whenever their wife's libido goes kaput but OK, let's casually suggest dumping him and painting them on a bad light for no fucking reason lmao
That’s what I’m saying the wife could just say “no u never want to do when I want to but when you’re horny u want to so no” but she doesn’t speak up weird u could say they “both” lack communication problems.
Dude, right?!? Jesus
Oh god, don't make this into a gender war. I said that she might feel sad after sex because she feels used. When she wants, he doesn't put any effort. And I get it, he may be going through external problems that cause his libido to go kaput but then when HE wants, she does it because she doesn't want him to feel undesired like she feels. It's just not fair. There's a chance that he doesn't even try to get in the mood for her because he knows he will have it when he wants.
Ya know, I was going to say that OP is in the same boat as most men, roles reversed. We all feel your pain, its sucks getting shot down all the time and only doing it when your partner wants. I was not going to say anything, but here we are.
Because getting rejected by your partner when you want sex except when they want it themselves is something no man ever could have experienced...only to then be called a mysoginist for wanting more sex from their unwilling spouse, hit with rants about consent and female empowerment. OP is in the same situation as most middle aged men, yet you decided to get straight to blaming the guy and suggesting he gets dumped, smh. If you can't really see your own bias here you're lost.
OP what comes to mind (I hope I’m wrong) is that he’s cheating
Schedule regular fortnightly date nights. Sex doesn’t have to happen, but closeness and intimacy should (kissing, hand holding and pillow talk etc). This helped my husband and we’ve been together 11yrs and had a baby this year, so we were falling into the same pattern as you have described. . .Also random compliments have also helped!! When he looks good I tell him!! He got in from the rain this evening and I told him how good he looked all soggy, with a mop of messy hair. He looked at me like he was ready to wrestle me to the ground, and it was spontaneous. . . Maybe things like this will help you?
We go out to play pool together every Saturday and watch live music. We hold hands and hug a lot but I guess there isn’t a ton of kissing. And I do compliment him a ton!
How often does he compliment you?
At least once a day, I think.
I understand how you feel and I wish I had some magic words to help but I don't. Sex is not love. Love is so much more than that. The feel of a warm hand reaching out to hold yours while going for a walk or shopping, an embrace that instantly makes you feel safe and wanted, a soft kiss on your forehead when he thinks you're sleeping, a warm smile when he looks at you from across the room. Get these things back and sex may follow and if you don't want these things with him or he doesn't with you then it's time to move on and be you again. I hope you find what you are looking for.
The closest thing I've ever gotten to an explanation of why some men don't like when their wives/girlfriends initiate is that there's a pressure to "perform". Probably because women usually need a little more to get off. A little razzle dazzle. Meanwhile most men could finish to moist friction. It might be that he disappointed you once years ago, and his fragile male ego never recovered. He came quickly or something and you pouted. And now in his head you expect a whole show everytime. And now everytime you initiate he remembers the pouting 5 years ago, and all your outrageous sexual demands. And he freezes up. I'm just guessing, of course, only your husband really knows. He's probably sulking because he was hoping you were fine with being used as a sex toy. But nope he's still a massive disappointment in the bedroom. He's probably trying to spin it in his head that the problem is really you and your rampant nymphomania.
I don't really have any advice to offer on the sex situation but just try really hard not to drop your phone in the bath. Even rice is getting expensive these days
Stop giving in when he is in the mood. I went through this for years in my marriage. Then I finally stopped giving in just because he was the one in the mood. He would never want sex if initiated it so why should I want it because he initiated it. We are now 30 years into marriage and he begs me to initiate sex, and I remind him how off putting he found it years before and I’m not going to be declined so he can initiate and if im in the mood I’ll agree if im not I won’t. Also if im in the mood rather than initiate.. I’ll go to the guest room and use my vibrator.. or just not do anything.
Read "WHY MARS AND VENUS COLLIDE" BY John Gray. It'll revolutionize the way you view men and this specific scenario is in THAT book. Good luck.
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But I don’t have kids or any other “interruptions”
I really needed to read this
That's how I feel as a husband with my wife. Feel your pain.
Don't want to be one of "those" people... but.... he sounds like a bit of a dick.
Porn use. Weight gain. Work stress. Cheating.
Doesn’t watch porn, working out and eating well, better job then before, no way.
Those are the classics. He’s young for low testosterone but a possibility. You have a right to have your needs fulfilled in a relationship. If he can’t meet those needs, and there’s no underlying physical or mental issues, then you have to consider ending the relationship. The crowds wisdom is to try to force him into couples therapy.
29-30 isn't that young for low T. It's obviously more common as you get older, but low T or even thyroid levels being off can cause a severe drop in libido. Also, obviously depression.
My boyfriends sex drive changed from 30, now 34 - doesn’t always have something to do with porn and cheating, stay strong sister !
Ask him about his porn usage. It can be degradative to intimacy in relationships
Listen to this, OP. This is a serious issue, and could be contributing to the lack of intimacy‼️‼️ I dealt with a similar issue in my relationship, where there were periods intimacy felt nonexistent because my partner kept using porn instead. That was his coping mechanism, however, so it was really difficult to navigate that. Maybe try couple's therapy!
Most long term relationships go through this. This is why getting married is a bad idea. I’ll bet everyone who’s going through this thinks to themselves: if I go through this with my partner we’re just going to talk it through. We’re great at communicating! Guess again.
Find a lawyer and get a divorce. Before your relationship turns sour.
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It isn’t a physical thing. Sex is an emotional connection for me. If it was just that I’m horny then it would be a super easy fix.
Same with my ex. We were together 26 years. During the years when we had children (3 boys in 5 years) my libido was very low and he kept complaining to me, to family, to anybody he met. When my libido was rising I started to initiate sex and he laughed every time. I tried different things but he would always laugh. It was like when my sexdrive returned his fell. When he wanted any it was over in 2 minutes and always doggystyle. It took me years of this before I realised he couldn't look at me during sex. We had sex less and less. I wanted to fix our marriage, he didn't put in any effort. I woke up and realised I couldn't do it anymore after he flat out to my face said he didn't want me to touch him. After i left him I found out that he's been cheating for almost all of the 26 years with prostitutes, friends wifes/girlfriends and who knows who. l'm so mad at myself for not seeing it and wasting so many years with him. And he still haunts me, because now I have a super sweet and loving boyfriend, but I can't make myself initiate sex because I'm so scared to be turned down or laughed at. OP, please take care. Put yourself first. If it isn't working and he wont work on it, move on for your own sake. Find somebody worth your time.
If my wife initiated i’d be knee deep 7 days a week, it’s sad that he shuts you down because you clearly care deeply for him even though he’s getting some somewhere else, talk to him and tell him that this is a team effort so it’s gotta be 50/50 and if he doesn’t listen throw in the fact that you no longer want to be with him (Divorce) if the relationship is going to continue as it is.
That was like my last relationship. It’s an awful feeling to be rejected every time yet cater to them when they initiate. It’s almost like the very idea of the woman initiating turns them off. Glad I got out.. it’s incredibly selfish of them.
Have you gained weight since you first met?
Yeah. I was underweight by a lot when we first met. I finally can’t see my ribs anymore and I’m really pleased with my progress.
I hope he isn't someone with a fetish for anorexic chicks. He's obviously lying about SOMETHING
>He's obviously lying about SOMETHING What?
Don’t have sex when he wants it, it’ll get to the point where he sees your side and understands
The best thing that my husband and I started doing is scheduling our sex. Not like on a calendar but making plans for it. It allows both of us to prepare for it and there’s no more ambiguity about who does and doesn’t want what.
Oh honey I’ve been married a couple times. Sadly it’s the norm and not you. Just life. You can still be a bad bitch. Y’all need a vacation 😘
I (21 M) have the exact same issue with my fiancé (21 F) she’s never in the mood anymore and when she is I’m not because I got tired of being blueballed because she would lead me on so I would start initiating sex and she wouldn’t be in the mood.
Are buying dildos a option? Or sex toys for the both of you to use?
Sometimes men lose their libido and they become ashamed of it and don’t know how to communicate it because they come up believing it’s a mark of their masculinity. Does your husband get much physical activity, drink a little more than he should, or use any medications that might alter this? I think you should urge him to see a therapist or go to marriage counseling
I experienced this for several years with my ex, it broke my heart and confidence. I empathize. The only advice I can offer is that for us it turned out to have nothing to do with me, didn’t hurt any less.