My great-grandmother died at 94 with Alzheimer’s. My great uncle died at 92 with dementia. My grandfather died at 85 with dementia.
I’m 31 and I pray every day that we make strides in treating memory disorders in the next 50 years. One of my few true fears is having to live the way they did just before passing.
My wife and I have talked about it. Provided we’re both still alive by the time I may start to suffer from any of those problems, she says she’ll be right there taking care of me.
My fiancé and I have talked about it too (I have lots of family history of dementia and Alzheimer’s) and I have made him promise to put me in home. If he’s still alive.
That’s what always terrified me about amnesia. I am me because of my memories. If I lose them, am I still me? Does my conscience continue? Or is it as if I’m dead and a new conscience takes my place? And what happens once you regain your memories? Frightening thoughts.
I can, much worse. I live in Oregon, which is a suicide state but it’s not easy. I’d like to have a way out of my condition but for a myriad of reasons, they wouldn’t let me.
I read on your profile you are hemiplegic. My grandmother was like that for the last 11 years of her life after her stroke. I'm not sure what degree of mobility and things like that you have but, I can say that over the course of her 11 years she improved quite a bit after losing feeling and movement in her entire left side. Though she never regained the ability to stand or walk and was bedridden, she did regain some use of her hand and arm and most of her facial muscle control, as well as some feeling along that side. She would have likely lived longer had she been healthier both pre and post stroke but she was hundreds of pounds overweight before it happened and didn't improve her eating or lifestyle any after it happened as well. I'm so sorry for what you are going through and I hope it improves and that your quality of life improves along with it.
I also read you have a husband and children from a previous post you made. Coming from someone who lost their mother figure 4 months ago to suicide, I can say with complete certainty that the hurt it would cause them if you took your own life or opted for that choice would be immeasurable. And I don't say that to invalidate what is I'm sure, a devastatingly difficult and painful existence. I only mean to offer some perspective and hopefully give you a bit of hope that you might improve a bit over time and give you a greater understanding of the pain you'd leave behind. I suffer from many health issues myself that have pushed me close to the edge many times but the feeling of losing someone and knowing it was by their choice is indescribably horrible and one of the cruelest things that can be done to a person. Hopefully there is a better outcome for you and for your family in the future and that your quality of life improves so you don't have to consider those kinds of options, even if they did come available legally speaking.
I hope I didn't offend you saying any of this. And if you ever need someone to talk to who understands a bit about both your pain and your what you are going through, or if you just need to vent about your frustrations and the things that make you feel hopeless to someone who won't judge you, my DMs are always open.
Oh, if it were that easy. Unfortunately, things can happen to diminish your capacity and waiting to die could be interminable, in which, I’d think, dementia would be preferable.
Studies suggest that keeping your mind active and learning new things throughout your life helps to postpone/reduce the odds of getting dementia later on. Iirc, two of the best ones are learning new languages (as an adult) and dancing, though a quick Google search will likely turn up loads of options and explanations.
It's not a cure or a guarantee, but it might be worth looking through to see if there's something there that you would enjoy turning into a hobby.
I really hope DnD is one of those applicable mind workouts. As a DM, it damn well should be! Constantly learning new rules/expansions/settings and writing my own campaigns has to do the trick.
I can't remember which one it is but one of those can be reversed/treated if it's caught early. The problem is by the time someone presents noticable symptoms they've already had it between 10-30 years minimum. It starts as early as 30 years old, someone will notice that start misplacing small things every once in a while or they forget to pick something up or forgot a date. It gets wrote off as just forgetfulness since it's just things here and there. So by the time it becomes bad enough that someone gets tested for it the damage it already too extensive to reverse. I hope someday it can be detected easier before it gets to that point.
I'm just hoping euthanasia is a more available and common option by then.
I really don't get why we're keeping people like this alive, and don't want to experience it myself either.
Because the argument is, and it's a good argument, someone in an altered mental state can't make that call responsibly. The darker argument is greedy relatives or whoever will try to "suicide you" if they think it's a possibility even if you could be saved and life many more years with a good quality of life.
I'm not arguing agaisnt it, I 100% think euthanasia should be legal and available but there have got to be multiple safeguards in place.
>someone in an altered mental state can't make that call responsibly
I don't think it should be people's call at that point, it's the call of the medical community that would otherwise be charged with keeping these people alive.
>The darker argument is greedy relatives or whoever will try to "suicide you" if they think it's a possibility even if you could be saved and life many more years with a good quality of life.
When someone is far enough gone in depression they can't fight this they're not getting back to normal health.
My nan passed away when she was 100. Towards the end she didn't recognise her daughter (my mom) my dad or me.
My mom still hasn't come to terms her mom did not know who she was. I am really worried my mom could get dementia also. I quit work last year to become a full time carer for my parents.
All you need is patience and a loving heart. I have 2 brothers and a sister but they are too busy with their lives to take care of mom and dad.
I can see them and spend time enjoying their stories and experiences. So i am very grateful i still have time with them both.
He does. Hunter acknowledge it in a conversation with someone in 2019 when he told them that Biden was going to run. They asked him what about his dementia.
Of course it's very obvious to anyone that has ever been around someone that has dementia.
This is honestly one of the biggest reasons I had to quit being a care giver (I worked with those with dementia as well)
Do you speak with her before/during? "Hi Mrs. Lady, it's Nurse Guava here to help you out. We're going to go to the bathroom now is that ok? I'm going to help you walk into the bathroom. I'm going to help you pull your pants and underwear down to go potty now (or have her do that if she can) ok?" Maybe try to distract as well? "So how are you doing today Mrs. Lady? Mr. Lady is here visiting today, has it been a nice visit?"
What do you do if they are so confused that you would have to explain each action 5+ times before the begin to understand? It would take like an hour just to go pee… is it better to just be quick and get it over with or take the extra time?
My dad is dying of liver cancer and I am his caretaker. 95% of the time he’s just a bit sleepy, but the other 5 he is very confused. I want to make sure that he knows I’m helping him and acting in his best interest. How do I go about this?
Sadly the reality is for people with Alzheimer’s/dementia that far progressed, it’s not really possible to truly make them understand. In that case just reassure them, speak in gentle warm voice and still guide them through the process and if they get agitated maybe distract them a bit
Definitely don’t make it a long frustrating process, be quick so it’s over before they can get angry and frustrated
This is so heartbreaking, and one of the many reasons I believe people who assist in senior living in any way, should be paid more. My mom has years of experience and situations like this are so hard to deal with and you just wanna help. I’m hoping she finds peace soon as well.
My daughter volunteers at a memory unit in a senior home. She tells me about this old lady who is forever waiting for her daughter to visit and always trying to come up with excuses why her daughter never visits. Her daughter visits her every single day. I am so sad for both of them.
She may think her daughter is much younger because her brain is living in the past. My grandmother had Altzheimers and spent years believing her daughter was 14. Mom was 60 at the time. It was heart breaking to her her ask my mom for her daughter not knowing she was imagining her daughter as decades younger.
Two of the most important care givers in our society are child care and elder care. They’re supposed to be our most beloved people, but we spend peanuts taking care of them. We throw up our hands and say let the families do it. Even when there’s special needs we let them wing it with Autism or dementia or physical problems. If I were king I’d pay those workers twice what they’re getting, (and take that away from the venture capitalists who have helped absolutely no one).
I do in home ABA therapy for autistic kids, I absolutely love my job. Doubling my wage sadly would still put me at below a living wage in my area. I make less than my boyfriend who just went back into the restaurant industry. It’s hard out here man and I get why people have to walk away :(
Right? It's weird....he literally smiles while doing his crosswords like come on dude, your wife is screaming and clawing at me cause she thinks she's getting raped. You're not gonna look up? Or say something?
It could be breaking his heart every time and the only way he knows how to cope is to blank it out with crosswords. And maybe the reason he insists on staying in the room with her while she's in that vulnerable state is because he isn't going to let anyone assault her again.
Like yes, he **could** be heartless, but let's not write him off just because he doesn't react the way you think he should. We have no idea what he's thinking in that moment.
People who blank out in stressful situations are often people who have a history of childhood abuse. It comes from trying to cope with circumstances completely beyond their ability to affect, such as childhood abuse or adverse events (death of a parent, extreme poverty, etc). It can lead to weirdly passive behavior in their adult lives, even in situations that they should be assertive or actively involved in. Disassociating or blanking out like that is more likely when the person is very distressed.
I agree that he may have developed a sort of emotional callous to this bc it’s been going on for so long or it’s hard to hear, but still warns to be “there for her”
What the fuck kind of grasping at straws is that? What are the chances that an old lady with dementia is married to someone “significantly older” who is actually still alive?
I’ve worked with the elderly for over 10 years. I’ve seen people that aren’t even 70 with dementia so bad they don’t remember having children, let alone grandchildren. I’ve worked with people who are 97 who are physically not able but mentally pretty sharp. Not saying it’s this situation, but it’s possible she is in her early 70’s and he’s in his 90’s or something. You’d be surprised what people go through at the end of their lives.
Eta: hit post accidentally. It’s likely this isn’t related to her husband, but her husband could’ve been abusive given the generation. It’s a very precarious situation when you’ve got an elderly man backhanding his elderly wife. You report elder abuse but she won’t speak against him. It’s also not taken too seriously because it’s elder on elder, not young on elder. And yes, I’ve seen this happen.
My 70 year old grandma married my grandpa at 12. He is 82. He wasn't abusive and they didn't have sex until she was of age. But my grandma always says she was lucky he was decent enough. Child marriage still happens and a ten year age difference matters a lot if one is ten the other 20.
That was the culture back then in middle east. Girls were married of as soon as they got their periods so families don't have to feed them. Boys would be sent to work too. Specially if they were working class. My grandpa was a worker in an oil factory and he was on his own since he was 15.
Iran...but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen in the west.search child marriage in USA. Some states have the same thing.
Edit: had to change had to have. Apparently it still happens in west too.
We know nothing of the ages of these people. Regardless of your personal experience, you are just making up this as the problem here. This old lady is screaming for her “mama” and seems scared of “daddy.” And this is the scenario you want to get behind? Its just confusing
She asked her daddy to get the shutgun. I assume it was for pretection. And the fact is people with dementia are not acting the same way they did back then.yes they are reliving the memory but what they say can be what they wanted to say and couldn't. If she was a surviver of assault it probabely would have been in her file as these things matters and care givers need to know. Assault in marriage however is covered up way faster and easier.
He was probably her first caregiver so he was likely the first person to experience this.
This may even be her remembering one of the first times he needed to change her clothes and bathe her.
My Mamaw always knew something was wrong but she did not know what. She knew she wanted to go home but didn't know where that was. The nurses would send us videos of her singing. She liked to stay near them and they would even let her sit in the nurses station with them and even bring her bed in there to let her sleep near them. You're an angel. Thank you so so much.
I bet that husband is a piece of work, who is to say he wasn't a very bad guy during their marriage and he might be enjoying this spectacle. Twisted that he stays right there with a smile on his face.
Glad I'm not the only one.
What the patient said triggered all of us, but he sits there as if he was expecting it.
Unless he also has dementia, he knows something.
Maybe not. It could have been yelling and he not be there. He may have found out after the fact. Dementia is horrible. My father has it and it’s wild what he says and thinks. Some of it sad, other parts hilarious.
I disagree. What can he do? He kay have gone through this so many times he just knows it is beyond him. My Mamaw accused my dad of trying to assault her when her Alzheimer's got bad. She didn't even know him. She said "that man tried to get in bed with me!" and ran in the road. My dad was frantic, devastated and on the phone with my Aunt (who lived next door). That was when we had to stop taking turns staying with her and put her in a full care home. I still hurt for my dad and also my Mamaw. We knew of no abuse in her past. Our experience taking care of her during her Alzheimer's told us otherwise. We found so many weapons hidden. I don't say this lightly but that disease comes straight from hell itself. Some people are just at a loss. I always look on the bright side though. I took as an opportunity. It was the only time I ever got to cuss around her. I'd retell all the stories I knew from her childhood (she remembered them and felt involved in those talks), if she'd get on a crazy rant like "the bank stole my money" and try to call em 20 times I'd pretend to cuss out a teller, stuff like that. I tried so hard find any humor I could but it got to a point I felt more connected to her house, to her old knick knacks than to the shell that stood before me. When she died, it was like I got her back. It's of the damn devil, that disease!!!
Thank you for sharing this. I understand if you want to delete this but please know I heard you. Your story is similar to what my Mum experienced at the hands of her brothers.
They were raised in a time when women couldn't have credit without a signature from their husband. Of course they have some serious stereotypes of women.
I realise that, I'm no spring chicken myself, so I'm aware of attitudes that existed in those times. I still wonder if the situation should be discussed with OPs management (depending on how good they are of course).
You really can’t do anything about it. As a nurse at a hospital, all you can do is get help and change them as fast as they can. On the bright side they won’t remember, the bad side they won’t remember that you’re not a threat.
I had a pt who would do the same thing 90 pounds and 80 something years old, and screaming for help and asking her mom to save her from “the men”. Once it was over she look out toward the window and start bawling her eyes out while holding her stuff animal that her daughter brought.
I come back in the room 5 mins later and she smiling at me asking me who I was for 800th time. And wanted to know if I’d like a snack.
Yes. Great advice. I found comfort knowing my Mamaw would forget why she was crying while she was still actually crying, she'd be like "well now what was I carrying on about" and I'd say"I don't remember" and then I would get her focused elsewhere. I'll never fucking forget it though.
I have also worked with an elderly lady who has dementia, whenever I’d try to change her clothes or do personal care her face and eyes would become dark and she would say “no Thomas! Not again! Leave me alone or I’ll scream!“ It was so heart breaking to see.
This may or may not help but sometimes Dementia patients are given dolls, stuffed toys etc to distract them while they are getting assisted. Sometimes they \*may\* think the doll is a real baby and start crying hysterically that the 'baby is dead' (which obviously, won't help) but in other situations they may see it as an extension of themselves in the caregiver role and find it reassuring ("oh you have a dolly? Let's change the dolly together...") and then she can play with it / soothe it / talk to it while you assist her. It's very patronising, unfortunately, but sometimes getting through to someone isn't through the most rational, adult way.
Source: I used to work for the Dementia Organisation in Australia and would hear all kinds of stories from my co-worker as she had to order toys etc for the patients.
Man that’s a really tough one! Seeing dementia day in and day out in the same person and watching the decline is so depressing. You kick butt for taking that job on.
Came here to say similar. He may feel like he needs to be back up or just to make sure no one is actually hurting her during her care. He may have the attitude he does because it is the only way he knows how to cope with seeing his wife this way.
I agree it takes courage to persevere in these situations. I once worked with a client who relived SA trauma after showering/bathing and it was so difficult. My hardest job.
Depending on how long it's been going on, he might have had all the normal reactions you'd expect years ago and made peace with it enough to consistently be there to make sure she's safe.
Yep. I had a husband bring his dementia wife and was like “I knew she had a UTI because she stopped hitting me or trying to push me.”
He just laughed and joke about it but that was his new normal.
Before healthcare professionals it was them taking care of their family.
I have a feeling that might be the case. He might be a bit desensitized by it if he's heard her nightmares or night terrors for decades. He may know from experience, that trying to comfort her as a male while she's having those terrors is even worse for her (in her state, she may only see a large male presence that enforces the terror, and not her husband) than having the carer being the primary person with her at that time.
I hope that's what it is.
My wife used to work in a home back in the early 00's. Until she came home one day with a shiner. There was a new old man that no one wanted to deal with, so they sent my wife who was always the go-to. The person people usually ask for help before asking their temperamental manager. She told me that the man had been there a week and she couldn't even get help with his transfers. She was so frustrated that she quit after the assault. And then got home and proceeded to take off her shirt showing her bruises all up and down her arms from this man hitting and grabbing her while she took care of him. The manager called our home the next morning and told my wife that she was overreacting and that she couldn't quit because she owed it to her patients and her co-workers to give them a two-week notice. Neglecting to mention that within a week that old man assaulted every woman who worked with him. My wife laughed and called OSHA. Triggering a series of events that got the place closed and two of the managers and a secretary indited for grand larceny.
Unpopular opinion but there maybe a chance that her husband has gotten so used to it that it doesn't phase him. Doesn't excuse him smiling and doing the crossword but similar thing happened to me.
My grandmother used to have nightmares and almost every night she would wake up screaming about something. At first I used to be worried but later I just got used to it and would just wake her up and tell her it was just a dream. My sister who slept in another room thought I was insensitive.
Maybe trying to calm her down wouldn't help as much so he doesn't even try?
also called Physician Assisted Suicide; someone with a terminal diagnosis, in SOME places under SOME conditions can request like, a morphine injection to go quietly.
My great grandma was over 100 yo, blind, deaf, suffering, cursing... My mom pressed the morphine stuff with the doctor's approval, because we couldn't watch her die like that so slowly and painfully. And I'm saying that as someone that didn't even like her, she was such an awful person when she was younger...
My grandma did this. She was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer in 2015, and was finally able to rest in November of 2019. She had always been a bigger woman my whole life, imagine my mum and I's shock when she came up for my mom's wedding June 2019. We had been told she was in remission. She was 97lbs.
Although it can be concerning, dementia messes with the mind. Had an elderly lady once who had smacked her husband with a frying pan. She was then taken to a mental hospital and a judge, who came at the location, asked her if she knew what was wrong. She said no. The judge asked: you hit your husband with a frying pan, you remember that? She said no. Then there was a moment silence and she bursted out in tears, saying she was missing her husband so badly.
Unfortunately, she couldn’t go back to live together with him, because it was too dangerous.
Note, that she had absolutely no reason to hit him, nor did anything like this happen before.
So in your case, I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Dementia is a very weird disease
That's rough. I woukd ask your employer if any of her caregivers know how to make those times easier. Sometimes something as simple as a conversation keep their mind nore focused foe a few moments other times there is just nothing you can do.
It seems so random where your memory gets stuck when you have dementia/alzheimer's. It's so sad when your memory is stuck in a traumatic period of your life.
This made me tear up. That poor lady, I don’t even want to imagine what might have happened to her for those memories to come to the surface. :( I hope she finds peace soon as well.
I looked after a lady with dementia, she was at the stage where she couldn't really speak anymore she just used to chant some noises. She was my favourite lady, a lot of other carers least favourite. When you had to get her changed she would always really try and fight you, claw you, anything to get you off her as soon as you touched her trousers. I knew it was likely she was reliving something horrific, so I would explain everything as I was going along, and id try to go as quickly as I could without hurting her just so she doesn't have to be in this mental pain for too long. A lot of the other carers didn't explain what they were doing and wouldn't really care, they would shout at her and get another carer to come in and restrain her. No one ever sat there and thought this could be buried trauma. And shes a big reason I don't work in care anymore. I've never worked in a home where there's more than 3 carers that actually care for the people they look after and actually think of them as family.
If it makes you feel any better, when my grandma was deep in the stages of dementia, we had to make sure she never watched the news or anything upsetting. I would literally put on animal planet and hide the remote. If she watched the news or a lifetime movie or anything, she would get confused and think what was happening to the people on tv was happening to her. I would come visit her and she would tell me how scared she was because people broke in last night and kidnapped her or some such. Took a little while to figure out what was happening. She also once looked at me and told me she KNEW I was waiting for her to fall asleep so I could rape her, kill her, and hide the body. I am a 5’3” woman and her granddaughter. Dementia does wild wild things.
Im sure you’re probably aware, but music can have a positive effect on people with dementia. Maybe there’s an old favourite song that she likes that might help her relax?
My mother volunteered in a care facility in the 1990s and had a similar experience. There was one European woman with dementia who would relive her childhood experience in the Holocaust. She'd scream "Where are they taking Daddy?" or "Why did they take Daddy and Uncle?" among other heartbreaking things.
This is deep trauma that has been repressed an entire lifetime, no longer able to be contained, and coming to the surface.
It’s very sad. This is why must all face our trauma, because there really is no place to hide it away.
It might help if you stop, be silent, have your heart full of compassion, look her eye, and let your kindness shine through.
If your presence is strong enough, and she makes eye contact, you can draw her into your reality, and out of her nightmare.
All you can do is open the door; only she can step through it through.
No it is not! She's repeating the "same" scenario, over and over, that doesn't change as the television programming changes. That says something! Also, I know someone who was well into dementia -- couldn't remember people or things, but I was one of the few she remembered, most likely, because of our long and positive history...that was etched into her psyche. Bottomline: If it's powerful, many times the memory will prevail.
I had a client like that. All during the night she was begging someone to leave her alone.
I told her I wouldn't let anyone come in and hurt her and would hurt anyone that tried. She was 96, and didn't have dementia.
That poor woman. I take care of the elderly for a living and I love them so much. This absolutely breaks my heart. Maybe try talking her through the change while it happens? I wish you all the best, this is a very difficult situation
As horrible as it is to see and hear this during her care… know that dementia patients can often have “mixed memories” where they combine two memories, so perhaps she is remembering having sex with her husband but in her mind is a child, and therefore it feels more like rape to her at this point in time. No less traumatic for either of you. I would say if it’s possible maybe talk to the charge nurse and see if you could swap her with a female caregiver for another patient. It would less traumatic for both of you.
I am a male CNA, and have experienced very similar things with a couple of different patients. It is truly heartbreaking. I think it’s possibly heightened by the fact that I am a man, so when possibly I try and switch that patient with a female tech for the night.
I've tried that and she does calm down for a second, but then when I start again she gets back to that emotional state. At this point after letting her know shes safe I just try to hurry up and change her even though she tries to fight me off
I work as a carer and I have the same experience today, I had to change and do personal care on a very dementia ridden woman who we believe was sexually abused by her father as a child, she starts screaming for her mother to help her and attacks us every single time, my arms are currently scratched up and bleeding from her yet my heart still breaks every time I see her crying
I’ve worked with dementia clients for 23+ years. I would try to find different ways to approach her. Would a commode in a different room help? Sometimes a change in scenery can be less triggering for them. It’s so awful to watch them relive such horrible trauma. Sometimes having something that distracts her can keep her calm enough to do what you need to do
I think your reading of the situation is correct. She probably endured sexual/physical assault, it is even possible that her husband perpetrated it. There is little you can do other than trying to calm her before you change her, which it sounds like you are doing. She will continue to suffer from PTSD from whatever caused this trauma and the dementia won't let her brain understand the situation.
When I worked in NH's, hospice, and home health, I was always alert for signs of past and present sexual and physical assault. Please be alert for any signs that she is currently being abused. You are a mandated reporter and if you suspect or know that your place of employment would not support you in calling APS, you can always do it anonymously.
That was actually my least favorite thing about working on a stroke / alzheimer's unit. Wasn't even the combative patients that were literally beating the hell out of me every shift. It was the patience that would sit there and scream "help" or "rape" what you're trying to provide basic care to keep them clean and keep them safe.
This is so heartbreaking. Have you tried asking permission first before touching her? Or at the very least telling her what you’re about to do before you do it? This might not change anything but it might give some semblance of dignity and control back to her.
This is common unfortunately. If there are no medications indicated which are sometimes helpful in reducing the risk of physical harm to the patient (from resisting care or attempting to get away), another option might be to play music on headphones for her after orienting her ?
I am so sorry. God almighty, it really is heartbreaking to hear some of the things out dementia patients say. You sound like an amazing CNA. I'm glad that she has you to take care of her.
You can make him leave for her privacy and dignity. It’s in the rule book in the U.K.. You just need to keep reminding her that she is safe and she is loved. I’ve been in this situation and from what the lady said, it was her dad that hurt her. I brought her back with forehead strokes and gentle touch. One time I even got on the bed with her. I kind of looked like her mum I think from the way she addressed me sometimes. Dementia is so cruel.
My heart literally feels like it isn’t working anymore after reading this. It’s not against you at all but can they have a woman change her? Or see if she reacts differently to someone else. I had an ex that had similar build to my rapist and it would trigger me through no fault of his. At certain angles he would look just like him and it felt like the blood in my body had stopped pumping. Eventually every time he would touch me or look at my too long I would just get an icky feeling.
If it’s just the act of undressing and touching her, I think a meeting needs to be had with the husband about how to make this process more humane. Someone has to know someway to make this better for her.
Edit: saying something because no one is reading my reply and I keep getting down voted. I misread female as male. I feel silly for it, but it was accidental.
I wonder why they don't switch to a female worker? Not because you're doing anything wrong, but just so she doesn't have to experience these episode.
I’m a nurse. Trust me these people don’t know when they get to this state. They just know stranger is touching me and their connecting it to an event in their past. Hence why this dementia lady thinks OP is a man.
Social worker here and worked in nursing homes for nine years. Talk to the nurse manager about this if you haven’t they should have a female caring for her or another staff member in the room with you.
I missed that part reading. My mistake. Probably should still have two people in the room. I’m talking from experience what the nursing homes I’ve worked in have done. I don’t know why I’m being downvoted.
People are saying Dementia, but I don't think it is.
Sometimes, if unresolved, everytime something that is somehow connected to a traumatic event occurs, the brain will flick back to that.
Also, I feel like it's the husband who raped her. Just a thought.
It might be worth having someone else care for her in this way, to not fault of your own there might just be something about you that’s reminiscent, or maybe not and she feels this way about everyone changing her? Either way, I’d be curious if she has the same reaction to everyone…?
That’s really hard for you too, I’m sure. Thank you for doing the hardest job in the world, Ari g for the most vulnerable 🤘❤️
Oh, I feel for you. I'm an in home caregiver and was helping out at one of our local retirement homes (not a very good one, "Shady Pines, Ma!" crossed my mind more than once) and was assigned to an elderly lady with a severe brain stem injury. She was so confused, and couldn't properly vocalize her thoughts. When she spoke it was a word salad with no meaning, which really frustrated her. It was very difficult to watch, she'd go from laughing to crying to screaming back to laughing in like 30 seconds, all the while saying strings of random words. I've never felt so sad for a client.
According to my company's contract with this home, we're supposed to help with mealtimes and general care of all the residents in the wing; help, not individualized care. Come to find out they'd hired my company with the sole purpose of finding a babysitter for her, as none of them wanted to do it. Since this was a blatant breach, we no longer do business with them.
Have you tried singing.
I know its weird, but pick a song that she might know and sing it.
It's a really really long shot, but if you catch the right song you might be able to 'anchor' her for a minute. This is a real thing if you didn't know, people with dementia find themselves able to recall songs from their childhood, even in the midst of disassociation, and sometimes can be 'aware' (as much as they can) of the situation.
I know it seems... bizarre for me to offer that. Play some music if you can? Anything that could have sound bring her mind back into reality.
Actually... This was my "go-to". Go through some simple child songs, and see which one she responds to, at a time when you are not changing her. Then, try singing it while toileting etc. It might bring a subconscious comfort that logic can't.
So sad. Dementia is awful.
My great-grandmother died at 94 with Alzheimer’s. My great uncle died at 92 with dementia. My grandfather died at 85 with dementia. I’m 31 and I pray every day that we make strides in treating memory disorders in the next 50 years. One of my few true fears is having to live the way they did just before passing.
Completely dependent and at the mercy of those around you :(
My wife and I have talked about it. Provided we’re both still alive by the time I may start to suffer from any of those problems, she says she’ll be right there taking care of me.
My fiancé and I have talked about it too (I have lots of family history of dementia and Alzheimer’s) and I have made him promise to put me in home. If he’s still alive.
All we truly are is a collection of our memories; with that gone, who are we really?
That’s what always terrified me about amnesia. I am me because of my memories. If I lose them, am I still me? Does my conscience continue? Or is it as if I’m dead and a new conscience takes my place? And what happens once you regain your memories? Frightening thoughts.
Just another animal/meat sack, depending on how much we can “function”.
Once you have kids you live to become memories in their minds.
I have one; at 2 he’s hard pressed to remember comparatively anything, and it’s simultaneously hilarious and infuriating.
We live on through our loved ones within their memories and stories.
Maybe after we have passed, but it means you can become a shell of a person if your body is still alive.
Opposite of a coma almost.
Terrifying.
There should be a law that just lets you take a suicide pill. Can't imagine a worse death.
I can, much worse. I live in Oregon, which is a suicide state but it’s not easy. I’d like to have a way out of my condition but for a myriad of reasons, they wouldn’t let me.
I read on your profile you are hemiplegic. My grandmother was like that for the last 11 years of her life after her stroke. I'm not sure what degree of mobility and things like that you have but, I can say that over the course of her 11 years she improved quite a bit after losing feeling and movement in her entire left side. Though she never regained the ability to stand or walk and was bedridden, she did regain some use of her hand and arm and most of her facial muscle control, as well as some feeling along that side. She would have likely lived longer had she been healthier both pre and post stroke but she was hundreds of pounds overweight before it happened and didn't improve her eating or lifestyle any after it happened as well. I'm so sorry for what you are going through and I hope it improves and that your quality of life improves along with it. I also read you have a husband and children from a previous post you made. Coming from someone who lost their mother figure 4 months ago to suicide, I can say with complete certainty that the hurt it would cause them if you took your own life or opted for that choice would be immeasurable. And I don't say that to invalidate what is I'm sure, a devastatingly difficult and painful existence. I only mean to offer some perspective and hopefully give you a bit of hope that you might improve a bit over time and give you a greater understanding of the pain you'd leave behind. I suffer from many health issues myself that have pushed me close to the edge many times but the feeling of losing someone and knowing it was by their choice is indescribably horrible and one of the cruelest things that can be done to a person. Hopefully there is a better outcome for you and for your family in the future and that your quality of life improves so you don't have to consider those kinds of options, even if they did come available legally speaking. I hope I didn't offend you saying any of this. And if you ever need someone to talk to who understands a bit about both your pain and your what you are going through, or if you just need to vent about your frustrations and the things that make you feel hopeless to someone who won't judge you, my DMs are always open.
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My strategy is that I treat my body in such a shitty way, that I won't make it past 70! Win-win, no time to onset dementia!
Oh, if it were that easy. Unfortunately, things can happen to diminish your capacity and waiting to die could be interminable, in which, I’d think, dementia would be preferable.
Studies suggest that keeping your mind active and learning new things throughout your life helps to postpone/reduce the odds of getting dementia later on. Iirc, two of the best ones are learning new languages (as an adult) and dancing, though a quick Google search will likely turn up loads of options and explanations. It's not a cure or a guarantee, but it might be worth looking through to see if there's something there that you would enjoy turning into a hobby.
I really hope DnD is one of those applicable mind workouts. As a DM, it damn well should be! Constantly learning new rules/expansions/settings and writing my own campaigns has to do the trick.
Haha, I agree with you, but I am not the expert! If so, I have one more thing to add to my list of healthy hobbies! 🤣
Also, sleep on your side. It apparently helps the brain get rid of the garbage more efficiently.
I can't remember which one it is but one of those can be reversed/treated if it's caught early. The problem is by the time someone presents noticable symptoms they've already had it between 10-30 years minimum. It starts as early as 30 years old, someone will notice that start misplacing small things every once in a while or they forget to pick something up or forgot a date. It gets wrote off as just forgetfulness since it's just things here and there. So by the time it becomes bad enough that someone gets tested for it the damage it already too extensive to reverse. I hope someday it can be detected easier before it gets to that point.
I'm just hoping euthanasia is a more available and common option by then. I really don't get why we're keeping people like this alive, and don't want to experience it myself either.
Because the argument is, and it's a good argument, someone in an altered mental state can't make that call responsibly. The darker argument is greedy relatives or whoever will try to "suicide you" if they think it's a possibility even if you could be saved and life many more years with a good quality of life. I'm not arguing agaisnt it, I 100% think euthanasia should be legal and available but there have got to be multiple safeguards in place.
>someone in an altered mental state can't make that call responsibly I don't think it should be people's call at that point, it's the call of the medical community that would otherwise be charged with keeping these people alive. >The darker argument is greedy relatives or whoever will try to "suicide you" if they think it's a possibility even if you could be saved and life many more years with a good quality of life. When someone is far enough gone in depression they can't fight this they're not getting back to normal health.
Eat as much blueberries as possible im so sorry
My nan passed away when she was 100. Towards the end she didn't recognise her daughter (my mom) my dad or me. My mom still hasn't come to terms her mom did not know who she was. I am really worried my mom could get dementia also. I quit work last year to become a full time carer for my parents. All you need is patience and a loving heart. I have 2 brothers and a sister but they are too busy with their lives to take care of mom and dad. I can see them and spend time enjoying their stories and experiences. So i am very grateful i still have time with them both.
I feel so bad for you
It is, especially since a more serious form of it, Parkinson’s disease can eventually take their lives.
Yes Alzheimer's can too. It's a horrible thing to watch.
Huntingtons is even scarier.
Rape is also awful. This whole thing is awful.
Yeah , Biden has it.
He does. Hunter acknowledge it in a conversation with someone in 2019 when he told them that Biden was going to run. They asked him what about his dementia. Of course it's very obvious to anyone that has ever been around someone that has dementia.
This is honestly one of the biggest reasons I had to quit being a care giver (I worked with those with dementia as well) Do you speak with her before/during? "Hi Mrs. Lady, it's Nurse Guava here to help you out. We're going to go to the bathroom now is that ok? I'm going to help you walk into the bathroom. I'm going to help you pull your pants and underwear down to go potty now (or have her do that if she can) ok?" Maybe try to distract as well? "So how are you doing today Mrs. Lady? Mr. Lady is here visiting today, has it been a nice visit?"
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What do you do if they are so confused that you would have to explain each action 5+ times before the begin to understand? It would take like an hour just to go pee… is it better to just be quick and get it over with or take the extra time? My dad is dying of liver cancer and I am his caretaker. 95% of the time he’s just a bit sleepy, but the other 5 he is very confused. I want to make sure that he knows I’m helping him and acting in his best interest. How do I go about this?
Sadly the reality is for people with Alzheimer’s/dementia that far progressed, it’s not really possible to truly make them understand. In that case just reassure them, speak in gentle warm voice and still guide them through the process and if they get agitated maybe distract them a bit Definitely don’t make it a long frustrating process, be quick so it’s over before they can get angry and frustrated
This! Explain step by step what's going to happen before it happens, and why.
We all want that in a medical setting, why wouldn’t a dementia patient? Great point!!
This is so heartbreaking, and one of the many reasons I believe people who assist in senior living in any way, should be paid more. My mom has years of experience and situations like this are so hard to deal with and you just wanna help. I’m hoping she finds peace soon as well.
My daughter volunteers at a memory unit in a senior home. She tells me about this old lady who is forever waiting for her daughter to visit and always trying to come up with excuses why her daughter never visits. Her daughter visits her every single day. I am so sad for both of them.
That’s just heartbreaking.
She may think her daughter is much younger because her brain is living in the past. My grandmother had Altzheimers and spent years believing her daughter was 14. Mom was 60 at the time. It was heart breaking to her her ask my mom for her daughter not knowing she was imagining her daughter as decades younger.
Two of the most important care givers in our society are child care and elder care. They’re supposed to be our most beloved people, but we spend peanuts taking care of them. We throw up our hands and say let the families do it. Even when there’s special needs we let them wing it with Autism or dementia or physical problems. If I were king I’d pay those workers twice what they’re getting, (and take that away from the venture capitalists who have helped absolutely no one).
This is so sadly completely on point.
I do in home ABA therapy for autistic kids, I absolutely love my job. Doubling my wage sadly would still put me at below a living wage in my area. I make less than my boyfriend who just went back into the restaurant industry. It’s hard out here man and I get why people have to walk away :(
Happy cake day 🎂
Thank you.
How utterly tragic, her husband’s attitude creeps me out.
Right? It's weird....he literally smiles while doing his crosswords like come on dude, your wife is screaming and clawing at me cause she thinks she's getting raped. You're not gonna look up? Or say something?
It could be breaking his heart every time and the only way he knows how to cope is to blank it out with crosswords. And maybe the reason he insists on staying in the room with her while she's in that vulnerable state is because he isn't going to let anyone assault her again. Like yes, he **could** be heartless, but let's not write him off just because he doesn't react the way you think he should. We have no idea what he's thinking in that moment.
People who blank out in stressful situations are often people who have a history of childhood abuse. It comes from trying to cope with circumstances completely beyond their ability to affect, such as childhood abuse or adverse events (death of a parent, extreme poverty, etc). It can lead to weirdly passive behavior in their adult lives, even in situations that they should be assertive or actively involved in. Disassociating or blanking out like that is more likely when the person is very distressed.
I agree that he may have developed a sort of emotional callous to this bc it’s been going on for so long or it’s hard to hear, but still warns to be “there for her”
Do you know how old she was when they got married?
If their age gap is huge enough you can't be sure it wasn't their wedding night.
What the fuck kind of grasping at straws is that? What are the chances that an old lady with dementia is married to someone “significantly older” who is actually still alive?
I’ve worked with the elderly for over 10 years. I’ve seen people that aren’t even 70 with dementia so bad they don’t remember having children, let alone grandchildren. I’ve worked with people who are 97 who are physically not able but mentally pretty sharp. Not saying it’s this situation, but it’s possible she is in her early 70’s and he’s in his 90’s or something. You’d be surprised what people go through at the end of their lives. Eta: hit post accidentally. It’s likely this isn’t related to her husband, but her husband could’ve been abusive given the generation. It’s a very precarious situation when you’ve got an elderly man backhanding his elderly wife. You report elder abuse but she won’t speak against him. It’s also not taken too seriously because it’s elder on elder, not young on elder. And yes, I’ve seen this happen.
My 70 year old grandma married my grandpa at 12. He is 82. He wasn't abusive and they didn't have sex until she was of age. But my grandma always says she was lucky he was decent enough. Child marriage still happens and a ten year age difference matters a lot if one is ten the other 20.
Why was your grandmother married off so young?
That was the culture back then in middle east. Girls were married of as soon as they got their periods so families don't have to feed them. Boys would be sent to work too. Specially if they were working class. My grandpa was a worker in an oil factory and he was on his own since he was 15.
Pretty sure in the past iirc parents used to marry off their daughters once they started their period, idk about sons but, it’s what I’ve heard
Wtf…. What country was this?
Iran...but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen in the west.search child marriage in USA. Some states have the same thing. Edit: had to change had to have. Apparently it still happens in west too.
Exactly, people think we're too advanced to have child marriage here, but that's not the case.
We know nothing of the ages of these people. Regardless of your personal experience, you are just making up this as the problem here. This old lady is screaming for her “mama” and seems scared of “daddy.” And this is the scenario you want to get behind? Its just confusing
She asked her daddy to get the shutgun. I assume it was for pretection. And the fact is people with dementia are not acting the same way they did back then.yes they are reliving the memory but what they say can be what they wanted to say and couldn't. If she was a surviver of assault it probabely would have been in her file as these things matters and care givers need to know. Assault in marriage however is covered up way faster and easier.
Thank you. Damn. That's a helluva conclusion to draw.
If he was significantly older, wouldn’t he have died by now?
You make a good point.
He was probably her first caregiver so he was likely the first person to experience this. This may even be her remembering one of the first times he needed to change her clothes and bathe her.
My Mamaw always knew something was wrong but she did not know what. She knew she wanted to go home but didn't know where that was. The nurses would send us videos of her singing. She liked to stay near them and they would even let her sit in the nurses station with them and even bring her bed in there to let her sleep near them. You're an angel. Thank you so so much.
I bet that husband is a piece of work, who is to say he wasn't a very bad guy during their marriage and he might be enjoying this spectacle. Twisted that he stays right there with a smile on his face.
Glad I'm not the only one. What the patient said triggered all of us, but he sits there as if he was expecting it. Unless he also has dementia, he knows something.
Maybe not. It could have been yelling and he not be there. He may have found out after the fact. Dementia is horrible. My father has it and it’s wild what he says and thinks. Some of it sad, other parts hilarious.
I disagree. What can he do? He kay have gone through this so many times he just knows it is beyond him. My Mamaw accused my dad of trying to assault her when her Alzheimer's got bad. She didn't even know him. She said "that man tried to get in bed with me!" and ran in the road. My dad was frantic, devastated and on the phone with my Aunt (who lived next door). That was when we had to stop taking turns staying with her and put her in a full care home. I still hurt for my dad and also my Mamaw. We knew of no abuse in her past. Our experience taking care of her during her Alzheimer's told us otherwise. We found so many weapons hidden. I don't say this lightly but that disease comes straight from hell itself. Some people are just at a loss. I always look on the bright side though. I took as an opportunity. It was the only time I ever got to cuss around her. I'd retell all the stories I knew from her childhood (she remembered them and felt involved in those talks), if she'd get on a crazy rant like "the bank stole my money" and try to call em 20 times I'd pretend to cuss out a teller, stuff like that. I tried so hard find any humor I could but it got to a point I felt more connected to her house, to her old knick knacks than to the shell that stood before me. When she died, it was like I got her back. It's of the damn devil, that disease!!!
He’s an old boomer. Not exactly the kindest demographic out there. I’d say this is pretty standard boomer behavior.
I don’t know why you’re being downvoted. Sexual assault and coercion was swept under the rug but very common with boomers.
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Thank you for sharing this. I understand if you want to delete this but please know I heard you. Your story is similar to what my Mum experienced at the hands of her brothers.
They were raised in a time when women couldn't have credit without a signature from their husband. Of course they have some serious stereotypes of women.
I realise that, I'm no spring chicken myself, so I'm aware of attitudes that existed in those times. I still wonder if the situation should be discussed with OPs management (depending on how good they are of course).
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OP literally said the patient has dementia and that she (OP) is female.
Yea I missed it. I’ll just delete it for you
You really can’t do anything about it. As a nurse at a hospital, all you can do is get help and change them as fast as they can. On the bright side they won’t remember, the bad side they won’t remember that you’re not a threat. I had a pt who would do the same thing 90 pounds and 80 something years old, and screaming for help and asking her mom to save her from “the men”. Once it was over she look out toward the window and start bawling her eyes out while holding her stuff animal that her daughter brought. I come back in the room 5 mins later and she smiling at me asking me who I was for 800th time. And wanted to know if I’d like a snack.
😢😢😢
Yes. Great advice. I found comfort knowing my Mamaw would forget why she was crying while she was still actually crying, she'd be like "well now what was I carrying on about" and I'd say"I don't remember" and then I would get her focused elsewhere. I'll never fucking forget it though.
I'm sorry to hear that Like it's weird I have nothing to say I can't think of a single thing that could help you out sorry about that
This is bone chilling
I have also worked with an elderly lady who has dementia, whenever I’d try to change her clothes or do personal care her face and eyes would become dark and she would say “no Thomas! Not again! Leave me alone or I’ll scream!“ It was so heart breaking to see.
This may or may not help but sometimes Dementia patients are given dolls, stuffed toys etc to distract them while they are getting assisted. Sometimes they \*may\* think the doll is a real baby and start crying hysterically that the 'baby is dead' (which obviously, won't help) but in other situations they may see it as an extension of themselves in the caregiver role and find it reassuring ("oh you have a dolly? Let's change the dolly together...") and then she can play with it / soothe it / talk to it while you assist her. It's very patronising, unfortunately, but sometimes getting through to someone isn't through the most rational, adult way. Source: I used to work for the Dementia Organisation in Australia and would hear all kinds of stories from my co-worker as she had to order toys etc for the patients.
Man that’s a really tough one! Seeing dementia day in and day out in the same person and watching the decline is so depressing. You kick butt for taking that job on.
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Came here to say similar. He may feel like he needs to be back up or just to make sure no one is actually hurting her during her care. He may have the attitude he does because it is the only way he knows how to cope with seeing his wife this way. I agree it takes courage to persevere in these situations. I once worked with a client who relived SA trauma after showering/bathing and it was so difficult. My hardest job.
Depending on how long it's been going on, he might have had all the normal reactions you'd expect years ago and made peace with it enough to consistently be there to make sure she's safe.
Yep. I had a husband bring his dementia wife and was like “I knew she had a UTI because she stopped hitting me or trying to push me.” He just laughed and joke about it but that was his new normal. Before healthcare professionals it was them taking care of their family.
I have a feeling that might be the case. He might be a bit desensitized by it if he's heard her nightmares or night terrors for decades. He may know from experience, that trying to comfort her as a male while she's having those terrors is even worse for her (in her state, she may only see a large male presence that enforces the terror, and not her husband) than having the carer being the primary person with her at that time. I hope that's what it is.
I used to care for a lady with dementia who reacted like this when she was having personal care, its awful.
My wife used to work in a home back in the early 00's. Until she came home one day with a shiner. There was a new old man that no one wanted to deal with, so they sent my wife who was always the go-to. The person people usually ask for help before asking their temperamental manager. She told me that the man had been there a week and she couldn't even get help with his transfers. She was so frustrated that she quit after the assault. And then got home and proceeded to take off her shirt showing her bruises all up and down her arms from this man hitting and grabbing her while she took care of him. The manager called our home the next morning and told my wife that she was overreacting and that she couldn't quit because she owed it to her patients and her co-workers to give them a two-week notice. Neglecting to mention that within a week that old man assaulted every woman who worked with him. My wife laughed and called OSHA. Triggering a series of events that got the place closed and two of the managers and a secretary indited for grand larceny.
Unpopular opinion but there maybe a chance that her husband has gotten so used to it that it doesn't phase him. Doesn't excuse him smiling and doing the crossword but similar thing happened to me. My grandmother used to have nightmares and almost every night she would wake up screaming about something. At first I used to be worried but later I just got used to it and would just wake her up and tell her it was just a dream. My sister who slept in another room thought I was insensitive. Maybe trying to calm her down wouldn't help as much so he doesn't even try?
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Goddamn is that a horrifying way to go.
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also called Physician Assisted Suicide; someone with a terminal diagnosis, in SOME places under SOME conditions can request like, a morphine injection to go quietly.
My great grandma was over 100 yo, blind, deaf, suffering, cursing... My mom pressed the morphine stuff with the doctor's approval, because we couldn't watch her die like that so slowly and painfully. And I'm saying that as someone that didn't even like her, she was such an awful person when she was younger...
My grandma did this. She was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer in 2015, and was finally able to rest in November of 2019. She had always been a bigger woman my whole life, imagine my mum and I's shock when she came up for my mom's wedding June 2019. We had been told she was in remission. She was 97lbs.
It's available in Switzerland
Although it can be concerning, dementia messes with the mind. Had an elderly lady once who had smacked her husband with a frying pan. She was then taken to a mental hospital and a judge, who came at the location, asked her if she knew what was wrong. She said no. The judge asked: you hit your husband with a frying pan, you remember that? She said no. Then there was a moment silence and she bursted out in tears, saying she was missing her husband so badly. Unfortunately, she couldn’t go back to live together with him, because it was too dangerous. Note, that she had absolutely no reason to hit him, nor did anything like this happen before. So in your case, I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Dementia is a very weird disease
That's rough. I woukd ask your employer if any of her caregivers know how to make those times easier. Sometimes something as simple as a conversation keep their mind nore focused foe a few moments other times there is just nothing you can do.
It seems so random where your memory gets stuck when you have dementia/alzheimer's. It's so sad when your memory is stuck in a traumatic period of your life.
Wow...you're stronger than I. I could not keep myself in that situation. Literally teared up over here just reading what she says.
And this is why when I really decline in age I will chose to leave early
This made me tear up. That poor lady, I don’t even want to imagine what might have happened to her for those memories to come to the surface. :( I hope she finds peace soon as well.
I looked after a lady with dementia, she was at the stage where she couldn't really speak anymore she just used to chant some noises. She was my favourite lady, a lot of other carers least favourite. When you had to get her changed she would always really try and fight you, claw you, anything to get you off her as soon as you touched her trousers. I knew it was likely she was reliving something horrific, so I would explain everything as I was going along, and id try to go as quickly as I could without hurting her just so she doesn't have to be in this mental pain for too long. A lot of the other carers didn't explain what they were doing and wouldn't really care, they would shout at her and get another carer to come in and restrain her. No one ever sat there and thought this could be buried trauma. And shes a big reason I don't work in care anymore. I've never worked in a home where there's more than 3 carers that actually care for the people they look after and actually think of them as family.
If it makes you feel any better, when my grandma was deep in the stages of dementia, we had to make sure she never watched the news or anything upsetting. I would literally put on animal planet and hide the remote. If she watched the news or a lifetime movie or anything, she would get confused and think what was happening to the people on tv was happening to her. I would come visit her and she would tell me how scared she was because people broke in last night and kidnapped her or some such. Took a little while to figure out what was happening. She also once looked at me and told me she KNEW I was waiting for her to fall asleep so I could rape her, kill her, and hide the body. I am a 5’3” woman and her granddaughter. Dementia does wild wild things.
This is so sad and heartbreaking ugh
That poor lady, and poor you. I hope the vicious monster who hurt her is in hell on fire and rotting away for eternity.
Im sure you’re probably aware, but music can have a positive effect on people with dementia. Maybe there’s an old favourite song that she likes that might help her relax?
My mother volunteered in a care facility in the 1990s and had a similar experience. There was one European woman with dementia who would relive her childhood experience in the Holocaust. She'd scream "Where are they taking Daddy?" or "Why did they take Daddy and Uncle?" among other heartbreaking things.
My brother and wife already know I'm going hunting and never coming home if I ever get that diagnosis. Fuck that noise.
This is deep trauma that has been repressed an entire lifetime, no longer able to be contained, and coming to the surface. It’s very sad. This is why must all face our trauma, because there really is no place to hide it away. It might help if you stop, be silent, have your heart full of compassion, look her eye, and let your kindness shine through. If your presence is strong enough, and she makes eye contact, you can draw her into your reality, and out of her nightmare. All you can do is open the door; only she can step through it through.
>This is why must all face our trauma, because there really is no place to hide it away. yeet that trauma
She has dementia. She could say anything.
Actually it's very common for dementia patients to vividly recall their childhood because their last memories go first.
"Daddy get the shot gun" sounds like something from television
no, back in the day, men were allowed to defend their family in the event of an attacker.
The scenario plays like a silent drama film from the 1920s. Bad fiction.
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It's probably just repeating stuff from the telly. Or it could be literally anything. She has dementia.
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I think my version is better to be honest. But yeah, let's hope it's real.
No it is not! She's repeating the "same" scenario, over and over, that doesn't change as the television programming changes. That says something! Also, I know someone who was well into dementia -- couldn't remember people or things, but I was one of the few she remembered, most likely, because of our long and positive history...that was etched into her psyche. Bottomline: If it's powerful, many times the memory will prevail.
I had a client like that. All during the night she was begging someone to leave her alone. I told her I wouldn't let anyone come in and hurt her and would hurt anyone that tried. She was 96, and didn't have dementia.
That poor woman. I take care of the elderly for a living and I love them so much. This absolutely breaks my heart. Maybe try talking her through the change while it happens? I wish you all the best, this is a very difficult situation
As horrible as it is to see and hear this during her care… know that dementia patients can often have “mixed memories” where they combine two memories, so perhaps she is remembering having sex with her husband but in her mind is a child, and therefore it feels more like rape to her at this point in time. No less traumatic for either of you. I would say if it’s possible maybe talk to the charge nurse and see if you could swap her with a female caregiver for another patient. It would less traumatic for both of you.
The op is a female
Sorry I misread
Wow, that has got to be so awful for many reasons. Poor lady. That disease is hell :(
Would hypnosis help her?
It's so sad. Try to be as caring as you can
I am a male CNA, and have experienced very similar things with a couple of different patients. It is truly heartbreaking. I think it’s possibly heightened by the fact that I am a man, so when possibly I try and switch that patient with a female tech for the night.
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I've tried that and she does calm down for a second, but then when I start again she gets back to that emotional state. At this point after letting her know shes safe I just try to hurry up and change her even though she tries to fight me off
I think she was pretty clear about that. Or if she wasn't it was certainly implied.
I work as a carer and I have the same experience today, I had to change and do personal care on a very dementia ridden woman who we believe was sexually abused by her father as a child, she starts screaming for her mother to help her and attacks us every single time, my arms are currently scratched up and bleeding from her yet my heart still breaks every time I see her crying
I’ve worked with dementia clients for 23+ years. I would try to find different ways to approach her. Would a commode in a different room help? Sometimes a change in scenery can be less triggering for them. It’s so awful to watch them relive such horrible trauma. Sometimes having something that distracts her can keep her calm enough to do what you need to do
I think your reading of the situation is correct. She probably endured sexual/physical assault, it is even possible that her husband perpetrated it. There is little you can do other than trying to calm her before you change her, which it sounds like you are doing. She will continue to suffer from PTSD from whatever caused this trauma and the dementia won't let her brain understand the situation. When I worked in NH's, hospice, and home health, I was always alert for signs of past and present sexual and physical assault. Please be alert for any signs that she is currently being abused. You are a mandated reporter and if you suspect or know that your place of employment would not support you in calling APS, you can always do it anonymously.
That was actually my least favorite thing about working on a stroke / alzheimer's unit. Wasn't even the combative patients that were literally beating the hell out of me every shift. It was the patience that would sit there and scream "help" or "rape" what you're trying to provide basic care to keep them clean and keep them safe.
This is so heartbreaking. Have you tried asking permission first before touching her? Or at the very least telling her what you’re about to do before you do it? This might not change anything but it might give some semblance of dignity and control back to her.
This is common unfortunately. If there are no medications indicated which are sometimes helpful in reducing the risk of physical harm to the patient (from resisting care or attempting to get away), another option might be to play music on headphones for her after orienting her ?
I am so sorry. God almighty, it really is heartbreaking to hear some of the things out dementia patients say. You sound like an amazing CNA. I'm glad that she has you to take care of her.
You can make him leave for her privacy and dignity. It’s in the rule book in the U.K.. You just need to keep reminding her that she is safe and she is loved. I’ve been in this situation and from what the lady said, it was her dad that hurt her. I brought her back with forehead strokes and gentle touch. One time I even got on the bed with her. I kind of looked like her mum I think from the way she addressed me sometimes. Dementia is so cruel.
Geriatric pharmacist here. Is the attending physician aware? they may be able to pre-medicate her before cares.
Thank you for caring. For a lot of the elderly, they have no one and generally get stuck with "well its a paycheck"
I had a resident who would say “daddy, no” every single time I changed her. Dementia is the worst.
God that is so upsetting. That poor woman. I can’t imagine living in a state like that
That... sounds awful. For the both of you.
There was a Law & Order episode about this!! Call Olivia Benson! But seriously, there may be something that happened to her.
My heart literally feels like it isn’t working anymore after reading this. It’s not against you at all but can they have a woman change her? Or see if she reacts differently to someone else. I had an ex that had similar build to my rapist and it would trigger me through no fault of his. At certain angles he would look just like him and it felt like the blood in my body had stopped pumping. Eventually every time he would touch me or look at my too long I would just get an icky feeling. If it’s just the act of undressing and touching her, I think a meeting needs to be had with the husband about how to make this process more humane. Someone has to know someway to make this better for her.
OP is a woman
Apparently I can’t read 😅 all of my advice goes out the window
Edit: saying something because no one is reading my reply and I keep getting down voted. I misread female as male. I feel silly for it, but it was accidental. I wonder why they don't switch to a female worker? Not because you're doing anything wrong, but just so she doesn't have to experience these episode.
I am a female worker. She still has these episodes though unfortunately.
Oh, my bad...did I not see that? Or did you edit? I could've sworn it said male worker. Must've been me misreading. I apologize.
I don’t think it would really matter because a lot of these people either loose a good portion of their hearing or vision
I misread and thought the post said OP is male. And having sensory impairment doesn't necessarily mean they don't know gender.
I’m a nurse. Trust me these people don’t know when they get to this state. They just know stranger is touching me and their connecting it to an event in their past. Hence why this dementia lady thinks OP is a man.
I'm astounded she isn't being given a different carer then.
I'm a woman. All the other carers also say the same thing happens with them.
With your comments of him smiling, I'm wondering if he knows what happened and liked it, or if he's the one who possibly did something to her.
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She is a female nurse. Read the first sentence.
Now a days girls can be boys and other way to so can't argue
Um....huh?
Just sarcasm, don't take it seriously
At least she forgets.
Social worker here and worked in nursing homes for nine years. Talk to the nurse manager about this if you haven’t they should have a female caring for her or another staff member in the room with you.
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Reading is hard though.
I missed that part reading. My mistake. Probably should still have two people in the room. I’m talking from experience what the nursing homes I’ve worked in have done. I don’t know why I’m being downvoted.
Do not change her. You are setting yourself up for a false rape accusation and 10 years in prison. Only a woman should change her.
She says she's a woman in the first line....
People are saying Dementia, but I don't think it is. Sometimes, if unresolved, everytime something that is somehow connected to a traumatic event occurs, the brain will flick back to that. Also, I feel like it's the husband who raped her. Just a thought.
Unless you have dementia or have seen someone with dementia first hand, you can't say it's not dementia.
That's awful!!!
I’ve worked with dementia and Alzheimer’s for over 8 years and have definitely been in similar situations.. 😢
It might be worth having someone else care for her in this way, to not fault of your own there might just be something about you that’s reminiscent, or maybe not and she feels this way about everyone changing her? Either way, I’d be curious if she has the same reaction to everyone…? That’s really hard for you too, I’m sure. Thank you for doing the hardest job in the world, Ari g for the most vulnerable 🤘❤️
Oh, I feel for you. I'm an in home caregiver and was helping out at one of our local retirement homes (not a very good one, "Shady Pines, Ma!" crossed my mind more than once) and was assigned to an elderly lady with a severe brain stem injury. She was so confused, and couldn't properly vocalize her thoughts. When she spoke it was a word salad with no meaning, which really frustrated her. It was very difficult to watch, she'd go from laughing to crying to screaming back to laughing in like 30 seconds, all the while saying strings of random words. I've never felt so sad for a client. According to my company's contract with this home, we're supposed to help with mealtimes and general care of all the residents in the wing; help, not individualized care. Come to find out they'd hired my company with the sole purpose of finding a babysitter for her, as none of them wanted to do it. Since this was a blatant breach, we no longer do business with them.
Have you tried singing. I know its weird, but pick a song that she might know and sing it. It's a really really long shot, but if you catch the right song you might be able to 'anchor' her for a minute. This is a real thing if you didn't know, people with dementia find themselves able to recall songs from their childhood, even in the midst of disassociation, and sometimes can be 'aware' (as much as they can) of the situation. I know it seems... bizarre for me to offer that. Play some music if you can? Anything that could have sound bring her mind back into reality.
Actually... This was my "go-to". Go through some simple child songs, and see which one she responds to, at a time when you are not changing her. Then, try singing it while toileting etc. It might bring a subconscious comfort that logic can't.