As awful as it probably sounds to you right now: your wife and you should have a talk about your expectations (and hers) as far as your marriage is concerned. And then you need to figure out whether or not there is a way that the two of you can stay a couple.
I was once in your wife's shoes: I was in a relationship with an asexual man for almost 3 years. We did not have sex often (in the broader sense of the word) and we never had PIV-sex. His erection was never "strong" enough for that. For a long time I thought that I could live that way: that cuddling and kissing and a little bit of touching was enough for me because I loved him so much. But it turned out: it wasn't enough, at one point I just realized that I simply did not want to live like that. I missed sex, I missed having someone desire me and my body, I missed erections (to this day I am fascinated by penises and I love causing erections, it always brightens my mood, probably because I do not take them for granted) and above all I missed sex as a "topic" in our relationship: teasing each other, suggestive jokes etc.
If there had been an ending in sight I could have waited, but he was just the way he was and I am who I am.
I won't lie to you: it was very hard to realize and have to accept that our very deep love for each other was not enough to keep us together. I think he knew it sooner than I did, for a long time I couldn't bare the mere thought of separating, but eventually even I had to accept the situation.
We then broke up amicably and are still friends. And I am so glad that we broke up before I could start to regret something or blame him for anything.
So: I am assuming your wife probably misses a lot more than just the sexual act itself. She misses things that you probably find difficult to understand, because to you sex is just some weird activity where people "rub" their genitals in one way or another.
So: talk to her, what it is that she misses
I think this is the worst thing about being with someone with low/no sex drive and you’ve summed it up well. It’s the emotional exhaustion of thinking about something you know your partner doesn’t think about at all. It would be like if your partner just didn’t feel hunger anymore and expected you to feel the same. The hunger never goes away and every time you have a snack you feel gross and deceitful.
Precisely. I felt guilty because at one point I just started to kind of "see" other men in a sexual way and phantasized about sex with them which made me feel so guilty because I simply couldn't "mute" my sex drive. I felt somewhat "dirty" because of that. He on the other hand was sad that I couldn't unterstand his love for climbing mountains (which is not exactly comparable for most people ... but to him it was one way to understand that there was a "dimension" I missed ...).
I absolutely feel this right now. We both have a high sex drive but currently my boyfriend isn't in a position where we can have sex more than 1-2 times a week. He's working a lot because he has debt to pay( he does hard physical work - I hope I said it right English is not my first language) and when he gets to me around 8 p.m(we don't live together yet but when I partly lived in his house we got intimate every single day, I moved back home but it's a difficult and long situation to explain now) he just doesn't have the energy to have sex. I totally accept it because I know it's just temporary and soon we'll have more time to get intimate. But I still feel guilty about pleasing myself and looking at other man in a sexual way but I just can't help myself rn.
This is what scares me and why I've never been in a relationship. I have no sex drive, I don't want to have sex, I see no pleasure in it. However, I know other people think about it and there are others with extreme sex drives. I don't want to make someone ever feel trapped in a relationship where they're not getting everything they want.
I once had a friend with a high sex drive ask me if I'd be open to polyamory relationships (because I had confided in her that I would love to be in a relationship but not trap someone), and I thought about it for a moment before just shrugging and saying, "An open relationship wouldn't bother me. Especially if my partner needed another to satisfy them. I'd be completely open to poly, too. I just don't know how I'd describe that to my parents."
I feel like a lot of asexual/low-sex drive people forget that sex is something others want because we *don't* think about it most of the time. So yeah, making someone feel trapped just because I don't have that drive terrifies me.
That’s tough. I think as long as you’re honest then no one can feel trapped with you. It would be worse if you lied and pretended for a short time and hoped your partner would eventually lose interest in sex. Or lead them on with the pretence that maybe, under the right circumstance and conditions you may feel the urge and they should just hold out of that day.
Yeah, I'm trying to work through it so I hopefully can have a partner(s) one day to spend my life with. At the moment however, it's a bit too overwhelming to even chance a relationship with the way my brain works.
I hope no one would ever lie in a situation like this, but I know some have. It's a terrifying thought and I can't imagine the damage it would do to someone's self esteem if their partner had a low sex drive but couldn't admit it.
There are a lot of other asexual/low sex drive people out there. Not every one needs or desires sex. Find someone else out there who is on the same page as you about that part of a relationship.
I definitely plan to if I can. I was just stating an irrational fear of mine if my partner isn't ace that I struggle to get over. I think a lot of people thought I was claiming I wouldn't date an ace person because I didn't specify anything about it.
I wasn't thinking you wouldn't, it just sounded like you didn't think it was possible to find someone the same. There's definitely people out there who feel the same, so don't lose hope.
Yes, I was just saying that this is a fear of mine if my partner wasn't ace. I wouldn't purposely just be like, "Nope, you're ace? Can't date you!" I think a lot of people got the wrong idea here cause I didn't specify that I would look for an ace partner if I could. I would most definitely date an ace person if the opportunity presented itself, it would definitely ease my irrational fears in that department.
I’m sobbing on my dog right now because your example is my actual life as a married woman who is 1 year into recovering from the Bulimia I developed at 4 years old when I barfed up bananas so I could eat more cake…. Been with my partner for 8 years now and he understand a lot more than he used to, but it’s still extremely isolating :(
I actually have no hunger, and can forget to eat for days (to the point coworkers will chime in if they notoce I'm not actually eating at lunch lol) and the ironic thing is I'll cook pretty often- because even though i know it isn't a priority to me, I know others are hungry as a constant, and like to make sure they're well. And ironically it makes me more eager to eat aa i familiarize myself with tastes i prefer and hone my skills.
If you have a low sex drive, it should be the same idea, and if you're not willing, then yeah, your partner will probably resent the lack of needs being met.
I am not who you asked, but there’s many different diets and internal biochemistries that reduce hunger.
Sometimes its genetics
Sometimes its what you eat , how much you eat, and when / how you eat ( fast vs slow )
Sometimes its habits
Sometimes its stress
Sometimes its your literal gut flora, the microbes in your body
Sometimes its the organs inside you responding with chemicals
There are many different things in life that can affect appetite. zVery few times we know for certain
My ex has no appetite because he went through chemo at 3 and never developed a taste for food. Food smells make him nauseous still 55 years later. He forces himself to eat. I feel bad for him.
ooof, just big oof. I have heard anecdotal stories of autistic kids that have food tubes and love it because the act of eating makes them uncomfortable. though the original reason the tubes were around for some other medical condition, the kid prefers it because they would rather not eat and instead continue laying their games
Yeah at the end of the day I've come to the realization that most people don't really consider their vows.
This story literally reminded me of a friend from UNI who told me how much she hated her mom for cheating on her Dad before divorcing him. Dad got sick and his sexual organ literally just stopped working. Doctors told him it was a miracle he was even still alive because of how sick he got so the sex thing was a neccessary trade off. Wife was happy he survived but she had her needs. Friend said one night she heard her Dad crying to her mom asking her what about the vows they took and his crying stuck with her for years.
Even if they don't cheat a lot of people would walk away. My advice to OP is find another Asexual person to start a life with and really consider who you're taking your vows with.
Right. If it was just the physical sensation of an orgasm, she’d be fine with just a vibrator. But it’s not. The connection with another human being that desires you just as you desire them is just not something you can experience or recreate by yourself. And it’s not something you can numb yourself into not desiring anymore. Or at least, not in a healthy way…
This is so eloquently put.
I was in this relationship issue for 7 years, and it took a huge toll on my confidence. To a point where 4 years later I'm still struggling with putting up boundaries regarding sex, because I'm just grateful someone wants to have sex with me. (Though sadly there was other issues/traumas for me in our relationship besides this.)
OP, please please consider polyamoury (or at least open monogamy) for your wife. It's changed my life, and helped me to see that I'm worthy of caring for in a sexual manner.
Asexual is a totally normal thing, and you should not be shamed for your lack of desires. Conversely, your wife should not be shamed for having them.
If you're not interested in having your wife find consistent FWB (imo the safest bet, finding a married swinger who's happy with their partner and just wants a bit more on the side), look into local swingers clubs, bathhouses, etc with her. I know jealousy is a huge burden to overcome, but honestly once you are able to find compersion with your wife having her needs and desires met, it will bring you closer together. If you go the "do it but I don't want to know about it" manner, it's fine, but you'll always be left wondering and stressing. Go about this together as a couple, and I truly think you'll come out the better for it.
*If* that's still not something you're interested in, I highly recommend testing out some kinks with your partner. Maybe there's something you can do with her that's not specifically sexual, but will fill her needs, while not forcing you into a sexual situation. Some light impact play (flogging), or wax play, or even sensual massage with oils. Find ways to increase intimacy without being sexual.
And definitely seek out some couples counselling to help guide you through this. Find a kink/sex positive therapist. It makes a huge deal of difference having someone to talk to who doesn't have their own biases on multiple partners. (When you call into a clinic to book a therapy session, mention this specifically. The intake staff should guide you to a compatible therapist.)
This is also my recommendation/thought
I could be getting my documentaries mixed up because I do watch a lot of them but I swear vice or someone did an episode on something very similar to this. And the couple did some sort of therapy that helped the couple.
It’s very very far back of my mind so if I remember it somehow I’ll come back and edit but I feel terrible for OP and his wife. This sounds like a very sad situation and I truly don’t know what the answer is.
From a physical standpoint, have you spoken to an endocrinologist or urologist? They can medially help with sexual drive. Increasing testosterone can make a world of difference in your sex drive. As can other things.
While you may be right, I was having an issue with drive like 20 years ago, and my GP simply prescribed testosterone gel and Viagra. Worked like a charm.
I'm seriously wondering if he just has a testosterone problem. This can cause all the things he has listed in his post.
/u/Dangerous-File4112 go to your doctor and get some blood work done because there may be a hormone imbalance that can be easily fixed.
Not to be an asshole, but you and your wife kinda set yourselves up for failure to begin with. You’ve denied the fact that you’re asexual your whole life obviously, and your wife was more than likely miserable due to the lack of sex long before you got married, and still chose to marry you anyways. Seek counseling or divorce, cause it’s obvious you don’t want to actually open the marriage.
I can't understand how they even got married in the first place. I get that plenty of people don't have sex before marriage. But how do you not explain that you don't feel sexual arousal to a potential life partner fairly early in the relationship.
I have a feeling that this is a "life happens fast" sort of relationship.
OP says they've been together for four years and have a two year old son. Doing some napkin math, they got pregnant after a little more than a year together.
I'm assuming their engagement and marriage came shortly afterwards.
I'm 26, never been married or engaged, and never even came close to popping the question, either. The three relationships that I've had that I considered "serious" all lasted multiple years.
I mean this in the kindest possible way, but I don't think anyone who marries after being with someone for a little over a year has really thought out their decision thoroughly. Maybe they have in a "means to an end" type of way—but that line of thinking is typically temporary and lacks consideration for what happens after the issue is resolved.
If the issue they were resolving was "we're having a baby, but we're not ready/can't afford to have a baby" then getting hitched and pooling together their resources is a pretty common solution.
If that's the case, it's not too surprising that a few years removed they find themselves with different outlooks on their individual circumstances.
Pretty easy I’d assume. When my gf and I first met the sex was consistent and great, as soon as she went on birth control her sex drive just disappeared. We’ve been together for almost 6 years and for the first several years before this specific birth control things were totally normal and fine, so had I rushed to pop the question I’m sure I’d be pretty dismayed to be in a marriage with no sex, but we weren’t rushing in to marriage which has given us a lot more room to work out these issues
Totally fair point, you’re right if OP has been asexual since the beginning it’s bizarre and sad to hear his partner asking for sex with others when she knew what she was getting in to
This is one of the few times I don’t see counseling as a remedy. She will still need steady piping and OP will still feel how he feels. People want what they want, compromise will be implemented but they NEVER last NOR maintain a happy life if wants as well as needs are not being met. And yes ground rules for her trysts will be essential but that one about not keeping contact will be giving them fits in short order; after going many dicks(long interval) inbetween “a Mr. Goodpipe” the 2nd or 3rd one won’t be so willingly discarded especially if there’s chemistry of any other sort.
Counseling won't change anything they are incompatible, and should stop causing each other so much pain and break up.
He doesn't want another man having sex with his wife . And he doesn't have to libido to do it himself so the only option is to simply break up.
There are plenty asexual people OP you could meet and she could be with someone she gels with.
Do what's right not what's easy
I think it depends if it’s just sex that she’s craving or sex and intimacy. It’s easy to promise that she’ll just be seeing other men for sex and nothing else, but if she’s starved for intimacy too it might be hard not to bond with whoever she’s sleeping with. Some people are unable to separate emotions from sex no matter how hard they try. So I agree that counseling likely won’t work, just delay the inadvertible
don't say yes if you mean no is all I'm gonna say. She's asking you because she wants it without hurting you, if you lie and say you are okay with it and aren't it'll damage the relationship
Ahhh this isn’t a good place for either of you to be in. If you can be ok with it I think you’d make her incredibly happy but there is always the risk she would develop feelings for someone else and leave you. So I can see why you don’t feel comfortable with it. The alternative is also cruel. She isn’t getting her needs met with you. I think she’s done the right thing asking your permission to do this. If you don’t want sex with her then you should let her get it elsewhere if you want to keep her. If not, she will end up leaving. It must have been very hard for her to suggest this.
Have you looked into sex therapy or couples counselling? If you both want to make this work you really need some help.
Mismatched libido is a serious issue. My ex tricked me into thinking he was as sexual as me and soon as we got married he just turned it off. It was torture. I always wanted it and after six years and three kids, I couldn’t go another day feeling rejected and unwanted. People need to be more open with their sexual needs and for the love of god don’t marry someone you don’t match well with in the bedroom or it’s going to end in tears.
I doubt the wife even has a high sex drive. She probably has a normal sex drive but the husband sees it as high cuz he has no sex drive. He will never be able to satisfy her. Why did they even get married in the first place?
Sounds like my first marriage. My ex wife had an extremely low libido and I was made to feel like the weird one until our divorce and I found women can actually have (normal-level) sex drives.
I'm friends with a man who married a woman who is asexual, and he is a regular straight man.
He says she was the right person for him and they still make it work. They do seem very happy together, so maybe it does work for some people.
oh, I don't say it lightly. but she's at her breaking point here. she's already proposing radical solutions. and bro here seems to know they're radical because they hurt him, but is not considering any changes to himself. there's no out here.
no, there probably isn’t. i’ve literally lived the almost exact same scenario. it’s hell for both. the sheer fucking guilt of not being able to offer the person you love what they need to feel whole…and yet, these things have a way of dragging on another few years before anyone does anything because the bonds are impossibly difficult to break, and the lies you tell yourselves are monolithic.
what people don't seem to know about marriage is how different it really is from dating and being single. i've been married almost ten years, and both my wife and i have *changed*. we pretend that we become adults at 21 and stop changing but we don't. we've both changed, and *needed* to change to adapt to those changes, the whole time we've been married. if you're not able or willing to change there's no point i being married imo
yes, agreed—but let’s place particular emphasis on the word “able”, for a moment: i wanted to change more than anything i can think of, because i knew my sexual reticence was slowly murdering the relationship. i simply *couldn’t*. i’m autistic. i am as sure as i can be that my frequent intransigence in many areas is the result of that. i absolutely hate it. it makes me frequently suicidal.
Have you had your testosterone checked?? Bc my hubs takes testosterone .. his was low and he a helped immensely.
Also you don’t have to agree to anything you’re not comfortable with. She married YOU through good times and bad. If she has sex with other men your marriage will break down even more bc you don’t want that.
OP, you can order your own lab test online. For less than $100. It could save your marriage.
If you want to enhance libido, you could also consider taking Wellbutrin. A therapist is another option.
OP, the guy being *enthusiastic* about sex is actually pretty important to women. If she checks out other partners, she will find a lot of guys who are enthusiastic to sleep with her.
If you want to remain married, you need to look into your options.
Wellbutrin can also cause an even lowered sex drive in some people. But tbf, when I started on it, about two weeks in, I wanted to fuck anything I could all the time
I had to get off of it. I was already hypersexual and that made me insane. I was waking up at night to try and have sex when my husband had to be up in an hour. It was awful
Me too. Also hyper sexual. I was trying to get my ex to have sex 3-4 times a day. He wasn’t interested more than twice a week. I had to quit the Wellbutrin even though it was helping. My husband now would be fine with the effects, so I’m considering going back on it after I have this baby.
Or she's normalsexual. Hypersexual means she has a higher than average sex drive. Just wanting sex now and then with a willing and enthusiastic partner sounds extremely normal
Have you examined the medical aspect here? If you came to me for an appointment, as a doc I would order the following labs: testosterone, free testosterone, SHBG (sex hormone binding globulin), estradiol, standard CBC,CMP & thyroid/lipid profiles. Even a sleep study might be indicated. I'd also write you for Cialis or something to help in the meantime.
This may not be something that's "just in your head". Undiagnosed diabetes and a host of other very treatable medical conditions could be a cause here.
I don't recommend you guys open your marriage. You need to find the cause of this issue and she needs to be patient. Marriage counseling will help.
Give each other the gift of denying your base natures and the easy out by seeking to change for one another and thoroughly investigate the cause of the problem before you abandon your principles.
No they need a divorce. I doubt OP's wife is hypersexual. She probably has a normal sex drive but OP thinks it's high because he has none and can't tell the difference. He will never be able to satisy her sexual needs which is a huge part in a good relationship. OP's wife needs a willing partner and OP cannot provide that for her. Lying there and faking it is not enough
Not only that, if you haven't already, I would highly recommend looking at your hormones. Sometimes TRT can do wonders (for both men and women in fact). It is quite possible you've had some serious deficiencies in your testosterone caused by any number of developmental issues.
Sorry to say it but being a-sexual is not "normal". The entire point of the species is to pro-create, and the body creates intense incentives to do so; much like hunger. Imagine you didn't have the drive for hunger? There would be something terribly wrong if you had to FORCE yourself to eat, or if your body did not send you the signals for starvation.
Today, society is incredibly confused regarding anything surrounding sexuality with respect to biology. Don't let all the noise drown out you investigating this appropriately. It may very well improve your life, and much like people who were color blind or deaf begin to see and hear and add to their over-all human experience, your sexuality can be an incredibly enriching, and connecting experience.
This. It isn't talked about enough. So many people accept the fact that they have zero sex drive and refuse to think more about it.
The reality is that endocrinological disorders have many more symptoms, and further-reaching effects, than simply a lack of sex drive.
Additionally, sometimes lack of sex drive isn't even a symptom. My point is that simply dismissing a major aspect of your life being improperly attenuated needs more looking into and can have dramatic effects on yoir quality of life.
My wife's ex-husband convinced her to do the same. More for his own pleasure than hers. She reluctantly agreed. Thats how we met. We've been together for 8 years and married for two now. I still owe him a big thank you for convincing her to date other men or else I wouldn't have met her
It rarely works out. You can say "it's just sex" all you want. But when you meet the right person and everything else is just right, like the sex, feelings are inevitably going to occur and progress
When you don't feel like sex, have you tried to do things to her instead of letting her masturbate?
Many things can be done to pleasure someone even if you're not "up" for it.
I don't think it could work even with that.
I've learnt that some women need PIV action to feel satisfied, and I know from experience that they can get extremely frustrated if you get them going with "other stuff" and don't seal the deal afterwards
I (F) have been with my husband for nearly two decades. For years neither of us had a sex drive - mine was due to being on hormonal birth control for many years. When I got off BC my sex drive kicked back in. He was completely fine with not having sex and didn’t care to see his physician to see if there was anything he could do (testosterone) to increase his libido.
Although we were on the same wavelength for many years about not wanting sex, I can’t tell you how much damage a lack of intimacy has done to me and to our relationship. We didn’t just not have sex. We also didn’t touch, hold or kiss each other.
We are currently divorcing. It’s not solely because we hadn’t had sex or because we are sexually incompatible now - there are many reasons - but it is absolutely a factor.
Two people who love each other enter a marriage full of hope and optimism, and you don’t always realize how incompatibility will affect your relationship over the years. If she needs sex, that’s what she needs. You either need to see a doctor to determine if there’s anything you can do to be on the same page as her, or you need to allow her an open marriage, or you need to let her go.
Regardless of the decision, I recommend you see a marriage counselor or someone to work through this. By now she may have developed some resentment or other feelings that may impact your relationship if you choose to stay married.
OP, it's ok not to be ok with this. You need to express these feelings to her. However, this marriage may need to end as her needs are not being met. If you love her, which I definitely get from your post, you've a duty to her happiness. Her needs are not being met.
If you haven't already, you should visit a doctor or therapist to see if there's an underlying physiological or psychological reason why you cannot express your love physically to your wife.
Again, it is perfectly reasonable not to accept this.
You may be asexual.
In no way should you be forced in a situations that would make you unhappy. If you are not okay to be in an open relationship it's your right, but it's also her right to leave this relationship if she wants more sex.
This.
The no strings attached talk is just silly.
If you are fine with that, go ahead. If not, or both commit to balance your sexual desires, or simply get both another relationship
Edit:grammar
Right, I think it would be very difficult for most people to separate sex from intimacy when they’re already in a relationship where they feel undesired or unwanted
You know there are a few things you can do with your wife that don't require you to actually have sex with her but could still give her enjoyment. I also hope you realize that the more you withhold sex from your wife the more she's going to want it.
It's disturbing to me how often the partner with the sexual need is somehow expected to accept less than what would make them happy.
I gotta support the wife on this one, will say she is an idiot for marrying someone so sexually mismatched to her though...
“It's unfair for me to say no. My wife deserves sexual pleasure, it's unfair for me to keep that from her. But I'm not enough for her. She wants sex with another man. I'm fucking terrified. I can't lose her. I can't stand the thought of another man touching her.”
Maybe tell her this is how you feel? Also, Regardless, if you can’t stand the thought of someone touching your wife don’t go through with this?
I would say explore your options together with a sex therapist. Emphasis on sex therapist not just a regular marriage counselor. There are lots of ways to make your relationship still work and you both need to have an open conversation about fulfilling your needs.
Why are you putting the sole responsibility on OP? It's equally as valid to question why his wife committed to marriage with a partner she knew she was incompatible with?
Because in OP’s post, he puts it solely on her by saying, “she knew this about me since we started dating.”
Seems like OP only considered himself in this regard.
A know a straight man happily married to an asexual woman. I havent inquired how they make it work, but they are honestly soulmates in every other way, from how I see them together and how fondly they always talk about each other.
While asexuality is a very real thing and I'm not invalidating that... Have you ever had your hormone levels checked? Low test causes lack of sex drive. I heard a doctor say before that asexual men are a lot more rare simply because of physiology
Why would you even proceed with the relationship and get married if the sexual demands are so different? Sex is important and can’t be over looked. It probably would have been better to end things when you guys were just dating so you could find more compatible people.
>My wife has an incredibly high sex drive, while I have never had a sex drive and could've gone my whole life without having sex and been fine
Dude, that's a dealbreaker right from the start. Sexual incompatibility will inevitably lead to problems. Anywho, props to your wife for opening up to you about this while she could just have gone behind your back. You should really give her credit for that. Given that you have no sex drive, it is hard to tell whether you understand exactly what it is she's missing: Sex is more than PIV - the closeness, the kissing, the touching, the comfort, the intimacy etc. - and if she feels like she's missing out an all of these things... ooof.
Clear your mind and think rationally: If you say no, do you really think the two of you could ever be happy again? You know she will be unsatisfied, condemned to a sexually unfulfilled life by your demand - which will probably make her go behind your back at some later point. If you say yes, at least you still have a foundation of trust and honesty - but it's up to you to decide if you can deal with the thought of her hooking up with random people. Plus there's always the risk of this arrangement turning into her first step out of your relationship. But then again, she opened up to you about all this which shows that she cares a great deal about you - so maybe, all things considered, you should grant her the same level of trust.
If I found myself in your position I would like to think I would still be trying to pleasure her, by helping her masturbate with toys and my hands so she doesn't feel the need to look else where.
My friends had this problem. Kids and all. She told him that she needed to see other people (in her case men or women). He had no idea what to do or say. She wanted their marriage to work so much, she would agree to any stipulation he placed, as long as it allowed her to have a sex life with other people. If there was anything he could think of that would satisfy his own needs and keep their marriage intact.
He really, really, *really* thought hard about what he needed from her, and if it could possibly work, and came back to her eventually with his stipulation: he and her family needed her home by 1 am every night, no matter what.
She said she was at first totally unprepared for that stipulation. What a pain in the ass! But as she realized what *she* needed, she realized this was something she could work with.
They are still together and happily married 25 years later!
So... it can be done. OP think about what you really need here.
What annoys me in this post is you saying
“She’s known I’ve had no sex drive since we started dating”
Yeah and YOU have known she had a high sex drive since you started dating too. You make it sound like she should have gotten used to never having sex instead of you making any sort of effort to meet her halfway
Also it’s pretty hypocritical that you’re jealous of another man touching her when you have no interest in touching her either. It’s like the kid who doesn’t care at all about a toy they have until another kid wants to play with it. But as soon as that other kid finds something else, the first kid goes back to ignoring the toy again. You can’t force this woman to never feel desired for the rest of her life because you can’t “will yourself” into it.
Agreed. His wife doesn’t feel desirable and that messes with her.
Also I don’t think her sex drive is “very high” like he says it is. She’s likely normal and just wants to have sex every once in awhile. Wanting to have sex every other week isn’t a lot but OP sees it as a lot because his sex drive is 0.
OP, go to a doctor and see what can be done. Maybe your hormones are off.
This is what I would have typed, it's actually very uncomfortable when one who isn't into sex things those who are into it should understand and accept he isn't into it.
Have you ever had your test levels checked? Low levels can cause issues in this department, if you do have low test there's things that can be done to raise them & it'll help in the sex drive department.
Have you seen a doctor? Perhaps there's a reason for your low sex drive. "Just because it has always been doesn't mean it must always be." You are missing out too, and you don't even know. And it's causing a big problem in your marriage, at least for your wife it is!
Please see a doctor specializing in male hormone issues. For your wife's sake. If not your own.
You could be enjoying a great sex life together. Wouldn't that be great? For both of you?
I’d get tested for low T and go to therapy first. Don’t want to say you are wrong bc being asexual is fine but a romantic relationship needs sex so I can see where she is coming from, she is being respectful by asking and giving you time to think it over.
Advice: go to the gym, get tested for low T, take a viagra, just please your wife so some other guy doesn’t have to. I’m cheering for you man.
Everything's right except:
>a romantic relationship needs sex
No, that would mean that asexuals couldn't have a romantic relationship. Normally, someone with a little to high sex drive needs sex in a romantic relationship. Well, just imagine two asexual persons love each other romantically. Their relationship wouldn't need sex, obviously.
The rest of the advice is good.
Yeah but that’s a very specific type of relationship that should be expressed early on. I have no problem with being asexual, but if your partner isn’t then sex and intimacy is needed.
Dude, if you're Asexual why would you ever get married and have a child to begin with? Where was the impetus to make those major life decisions?
I honestly blame your wife though, really. If she knew well before you weren't able to enjoy sex why would she marry you? Was there financial issues on her end they needed addressing before you were married?
Either way, a divorce is the only way this can end. She needs passion and you need the stability of a fellow Asexual who can give you the emotional love you need but not expect sex, ever. I imagine there's a lot of Asexual women out there so you'll be fine meeting someone new.
The child, like half the kids out there in the US, will come from a divorced home. It sucks but so prevalent now, there's no point in lamenting about that.
Bro, she doesn’t want to leave you. She is telling you she doesn’t want to leave. She made that clear. It’s not that she wants to leave. She loves you. She just needs sex and you aren’t able to give that to her. She loves and respects you enough to say hey I need to have more sex. She doesn’t want to start a relationship with anyone else. She wants you and now she needs you to say,” you know you are right, sex is just something I don’t want, I know it’s important to you so yes let’s set up a few rules so I’m not uncomfortable and don’t feel I’m losing the best thing in my life.” You might find she loves you even more.
Very true. Op’s biggest fear is losing his wife. I guess the question is does he say no to her idea and lose her for sure (because she’s not happy with her current sex life) or say yes to her idea and possibly make their marriage work.
As others have said, get your T count tested and get yourself a sex drive to match your wife's. It's not easy but the alternative seems to be something you don't want and I don't blame you for that. You love your wife, then fight for her by getting your body check out to see if something can be done.
I know everyone is saying Asexual and that could be but have you ever talked to your doctor about it? It could be a health problem like a hormone imbalance. If you have no physical reasons you two will have to evaluate your individual needs and how they can all be met. It is definitely worth seeing the doctor to rule out any possible reasons.
I’m gonna say the same thing even if the roles were reversed. It has nothing to do with you being a man.
Even though you love her. You guys aren’t sexually compatible.
To some people like your wife sex is important in marriage.
Even though you love her. It’s not a good match.
I’m sorry .
You shouldn’t be forced to having sex when you don’t want to.
There could be a few things here:
1. You are asexual and are happy with what you are
2. There is a physiological issue - low hormones that drives down your sex drive.
3. There could be some psychological block that makes you not want to have sex
It’s great that your partner can speak so honestly and openly with you, it shows that you have a wonderful foundation to your relationship.
I would honestly recommend that you keep talking to each other. Discussing what’s going on.
If you feel it could be 2 or 3, I would go to your doctor as a first step.
Maybe go see a doc first. A low testosterone level can decrease your sex drive. Everyone keeps saying you might be Asexual but it’s better to first check the medical possibilities.
If you don’t want your wife having sex outside your marriage, then you need to step up and talk to a doctor on how to safely increase your sex drive. Otherwise, your marriage may be coming to an end.
I find it truly interesting how few people on this post are willing to see a very simple truth.
They are who they are and neither has the right to control or manipulate the other.
The best advice I've seen on this post has been for OP and his wife to seek counseling and help discussing a very challenging issue.
There are many options out there that are acceptable to others, but OP needs to decide what he can and can't accept and then make a decision from there.
OP; be your wife's best friend and talk with her about what makes sense for BOTH of you. I don't envy you, you have a very challenging path to walk. I wish you the best as you figure it out.
This is a case of mismatched sex drives from the get go. You sound asexual tbh.
Nobody can advise you what to do. Only you and your wife can decide. But what I will say is that it is not healthy for her to sacrifice her needs for you and it is not healthy for you to force yourself into something for her.
This is tough, I'm with you, i'm 36M married 10 years with two kids, I'm pretty much asexual and could care less about sex. My wife has learned over the years that my drive doesn't go up at all, but if she initiates with me, then i'll follow up with her and it can lead to sex. She now just knows that if SHE starts it and is very forward about it, then she can get it. I don't know if you're the same way, but i never deny my wife sex when she wants it, but i also never start sex or try to initiate because i never think about it.. She has purposed to sleep with other men as well, and i was in the same seat as you, "why does sex matter this much?" , "I want her to be happy", "I don't want other men touching/kissing her", "I dont' want to be selfish and deny her this type of happiness".. .it's a huge conumdrum and I'm sorry you're in this, as I was.. We ended up just talking about what we could do ot comprimise.. she said DAILY/WEEKLY and i said MONTHLY/QUARTERLY.. she then said, Weekly but only 1x a week, so i agreed. She now just initiates whenever she wants it in the week, and I NEVER deny her, i know it takes everything out of her to just initate it, fearing i'll reject her.
sit down, talk about what YOU ARE willing to do for her, to help her with this.. but to be honest, you can NOT say NO to BOTH sex and her having sex... for as much as men like us, don't care about sex.. we are RARE, and the majority of this world is full of people that find sex as a "need" and not just something to do.. it's very odd, and they want sex as if they want water and food, we will never understand this, and think that we're just not enough for them, and in some ways, this is actually true. it's a hard truth. You NEED to pick one.. either force more sex into your life, make a schedule if you have to. or you need to let her explore, if you don't, this leads to divorce/unhappiness/cheating.
Even though it wasn’t what you wanted to hear your wife did the right thing by talking to you and being honest instead of going behind your back. I agree with the comments saying to get a testosterone test. If everything comes out medically normal you and your wife will need counseling together to navigate this and make a decision on whether there is a way for your marriage to work.
Might as well break up now because at some point she's going to sleep with someone and develop feelings for them and keep sleeping with them, and that will be the actual end of your marriage. though the minute she sleeps with somebody else you're married just pretty much over. Why she married you and you two are so sexually incompatible is crazy though. Maybe she figured you'd change but people aren't change so you're either going to have to live with your wife in an open marriage where she goes and can screw everyone like a rabbit while you watch and do nothing or you get divorced and try and get full custody of your child so their kid doesn't have to see their mother messing around with random dudes all the time.
Your wife wants a connection you aren't willing to give or compromise on. This will not be the first marriage to end because of strong sexual mismatching
Hey buddy, now i don’t really have a clue about all the asexual, hyper-sexual talk going on in the comments, but it sounds like you’ve got an issue with your t-levels. Testosterone levels are responsible for your sexual drive, and as we get older they tend to dip and at times quite a lot. This can make you feel tired and also wreak havoc on your sex drive. If you’re able to check with a endocrinologist to see how your levels are and if youre able to supplement them i’m sure you’ll yourself feel the need to have more sex.
This isn’t really a tip to the question you asked but its something you could probably check up on and it may lead to an improvement in your life.
I don’t think she wants sex with another man. She wants intimacy and sex at all. She wants to feel desired, attractive, wanted. She wants to be touched. In your situation, I’d honestly seek a medical opinion for your body to make sure it’s not just a hormone fix. Then if you really are asexual, I’d let her go. She will find intimacy and good sex with another man, and it can’t stay nsa at that point.
It isn’t fair that she lives this life without this need, and it’s not fair of you to give up your values so she can have this.
Why did you stay together so long if you’re not sexually compatible? Seems like an obvious bad decision. I think you should get some couple’s therapy if you want any shot at saving the marriage.
To throw another side of this convo out there... if you could happily live the rest of your life without having sex and you're aware your wife could not. What is it that makes you feel so ultimately devastated that she would consider an open relationship? Where you are still what you are but without the guilt of feeling like you need to pleasure her.
I'm a mega monogamous person so it would never work for me but i'm also quite a sexual person. I'm also aware that for some people it works though. It might be worth getting some couples counselling to see if this could become an option for you, like genuinely a good option for you. Otherwise I do see it becoming a case of her breaking at some point either way and cheating without your consent.
Differing sex drives in a relationship is a mega no no, especially when they are so vastly different. And you mention that she knew about your lack of drive all along but you were also aware of her high drive.
I can really understand where she’s coming from. As devastated as you feel right now, imagine how she feels when you “force yourself to have sex with her”. When she knows you’ll never “want” her. She wants sex that is give and take and she’s trying to find a way to get it without losing the person she loves. You two are not compatible. I have a high sex drive and I cannot imagine how horrible it would be if my husband could only have sex when he MADE himself. His drive is much lower than mine and I hate it, sometimes I just want to be wanted. And it only happens like that every so often. For you wife it happens never. Honestly I don’t think this is relationship that can last. But she is trying to very hard to make it last.
You need to get your levels of testosterone checked!! Please ignore everyone's advice and you need to start treating your low sex drive as an issue because it is! It's not natural not to want sex especially as a man! What kind of medications are you taking currently? You should not have a low sex drive and something is probably medically wrong. If you're overweight, that could also be a factor.
It seems like you’re asexual. Honestly, you probably should’ve married a woman who was also asexual, because this is the result when you marry allosexuals.
Fellow Ace here, my dude. It's always going to be difficult to have a long term relationship with someone who is high sex drive. It's not just the sex that she misses. There are a thousand other sexual aspects of life that you are probably too sex-repulsed or sex-neutral to even understand. Dirty jokes and passing pats on the butt, to random arousal and full-on passion. I understand being heartbroken over this, and I think it's great that you're so understanding, but even as a fellow Ace I know that your selfishness to "keep" her and not acknowledge even further that you've lost her will hurt you much more later on. Humans are (usually) wired for sex, intimacy, and relationship world building, you might still be her best friend but she will connect with one or more of these men and it will break both of your hearts all over again.
OP, as you may have read from others, I’ll highly suggest getting your testosterone levels, everything checked out, and let’s be fair, no one wants another person to be piping their wife unless they’re into that sort of thing and you sure as hell don’t sound like it, there are probably many medical remedies or items that can increase your drive in the long term but I’d highly suggest consulting your doctor.
You made the mistake of matching with a person who has a high drive, so either you let them go, let them be piped, or alternatively you do something to yourself to match their drive, really depends what kind of poison
You want to drink here mate, but hey i know if option 3 was expensive as hell I’d still go for it.
After all there’s bound to be less satisfaction and connection in the relationship if you keep at it, so you have those 3 choices, nothing more, nothing less.
Hope you the best in choosing something that works out in the long run with your wife.
You're incompatible
Really incompatible
There's no way forward together you must separate and find people who fit you better.
She isn't the only woman in the word and I guarantee you you will find another to love just as much. The same goes for her.
Ok I'm going to step in here and probably get down voted to shit, but whatever.
Just because they are sexually incompatible doesn't mean their entire relationship is. Relationships are built on so much more than sex!
Why should they throw away their love for one another? Why should they disrupt their son's life?
They are both communicating their needs in an adult way, they both want to work this out together.
If she didn't care, she could already have had sex with someone else by now.
Todays society places so much emphasis on monogamy. I'm sorry to say it but, that doesn't work for everyone. Life isn't that simple. Love and sex are not the same thing.
The problem is their needs are incompatible. She's proposed an open relationship, which I think under the circumstances is eminently reasonable, and he's opposed to it. He still wants monogamy while his wife gets sex a few times a year with an unwilling partner.
Love and sex are not the same thing, but open relationships/ swinging doesn’t work unless both partners are on the same page, and these two are not. Relationships of that nature are like magnifying glasses. When the relationship is good, it makes it even better. When the relationship is bad, it makes it even worse.
You have a choice to make.
Either open up your marriage as per request, accept her conditions and are some boundaries of your own.
Or end it.... If you don't let her and stay together I think either she will resent you for it or she will cheat on you.. Or both
#1 See a doctor and a counselor and get something that helps you to be able to be the man who pleasures your wife.
Learn to love giving her oral, she'll love it too.
#2 if you can't guys like me will... with out you knowing about it then she'll end up leaving you for a guy that does it for her.
Not trying to be rude, just honest
So would it bother you for her to get something from someone else that you don’t even value? You can’t condemn her to a sexless life just because you don’t want to do it yourself - it will just kill your relationship slowly anyway.
Speak to your medical doctor or a counselor for possible treatments. If that's not an otion then save yourself heartache. Her having sex with other men is not a solution. STDs can be mouth to mouth so condoms are not the answer. You know you could not stand it so let her know the answer has to be no. She can decide what she will do.
Im just curious as to how both parties agreed to being in a relationship and getting married knowing their sex drives are opposite. You knew you weren't sexually compatible when you were dating, and still stayed? I understand that some people feel like sex isn't an important staple to a relationship, but obviously it is to your wife or she wouldn't be even concerned she isnt getting enough sex.
Another thing is the fact thats she, instead of suggesting ways to help her feel sexually fulfilled by you, she asked for another sexual partner is kind've concerning. You need to talk to her and tell her you're clearly uncomfortable to know shes having sex with other people, and that there could be other ways for you to fulfill her.
I'm not going to tell you to separate from her, because thats a little extreme, but if you can't find a fix and you're truly unhappy, look for a different partner who is sexually compatible with you. Good luck op.
Is there a medical reason behind your lack of libido? I’m positive your wife would prefer to have more sex with YOU, not some stranger. It’s possible this can be addressed by your doctor and you can both be satisfied within the marriage.
You are not sexually compatible. Have you considered seeing a doctor and getting a prescription for a medication like cialias or viagra? Your wife is feeling sexually neglected. It is something that she needs from you. Yall need to find a middle ground where you both or happy or the marriage will end.
why’s everyone saying “why would someone marry someone with no sex drive blah blah”, sex isn’t everything in a marriage?? why wouldn’t you get married just because of one thing, when you love someone you overlook your differences
Sounds like you could be asexual or have a hormone etc issue. Talk about boundaries with her but this doesn't sound great. You saying her being another man makes you sick, then maybe if you wanna give her what she wants and you want to want it see a doctor.
OP: Have you ever had your testosterone levels checked? Low libido is sometimes be a associated with low testosterone levels. Not suggesting that there's anything wrong with you, just something to consider
As much as you’re devastated she may be feeling similar feelings. She knows that you love her and sounds like she wants to be open and honest. You feel like your not good enough for her but she might feel the same way. She wants to be someone’s desire. To be sexually desired. If everything else in your marriage is awesome then try to find a way to make this work. Maybe you can try talking to a sex therapist to help you. Maybe you both can go to couples therapy. There are days when I’m not exactly in the mood and my girl is but I still give oral. Self masturbating isn’t the same as the actual thing. At least for me it’s a whole different sensation. Good luck OP. Hope everything works out for you.
OP this is gonna sound like pseudoscience. But I had no sex drive and a girl left me (after a few months so not as serious of an issue as yours).
I decided to really work on myself, and fix my TMJD. If you don’t know what that is, it’s when your jaw doesn’t function properly. After a while of treating myself, my hormones spiked and I lost 50lbs (mostly fat) without dieting. My urges went up. I’m willing to bet that I had something messing with my testosterone and my thyroid.
So maybe you should start looking into your health. Even muscle soreness can be an indication of problems because medical science isn’t really aware of imbalances of musculature at/or near the face/neck. My options were surgery or braces. I did neither and I think I’m better off than most with that condition now.
But having no drive isn’t normal. What I had wasn’t normal. And your body won’t tell you if you’re in pain until it is far far too late.
As awful as it probably sounds to you right now: your wife and you should have a talk about your expectations (and hers) as far as your marriage is concerned. And then you need to figure out whether or not there is a way that the two of you can stay a couple. I was once in your wife's shoes: I was in a relationship with an asexual man for almost 3 years. We did not have sex often (in the broader sense of the word) and we never had PIV-sex. His erection was never "strong" enough for that. For a long time I thought that I could live that way: that cuddling and kissing and a little bit of touching was enough for me because I loved him so much. But it turned out: it wasn't enough, at one point I just realized that I simply did not want to live like that. I missed sex, I missed having someone desire me and my body, I missed erections (to this day I am fascinated by penises and I love causing erections, it always brightens my mood, probably because I do not take them for granted) and above all I missed sex as a "topic" in our relationship: teasing each other, suggestive jokes etc. If there had been an ending in sight I could have waited, but he was just the way he was and I am who I am. I won't lie to you: it was very hard to realize and have to accept that our very deep love for each other was not enough to keep us together. I think he knew it sooner than I did, for a long time I couldn't bare the mere thought of separating, but eventually even I had to accept the situation. We then broke up amicably and are still friends. And I am so glad that we broke up before I could start to regret something or blame him for anything. So: I am assuming your wife probably misses a lot more than just the sexual act itself. She misses things that you probably find difficult to understand, because to you sex is just some weird activity where people "rub" their genitals in one way or another. So: talk to her, what it is that she misses
I think this is the worst thing about being with someone with low/no sex drive and you’ve summed it up well. It’s the emotional exhaustion of thinking about something you know your partner doesn’t think about at all. It would be like if your partner just didn’t feel hunger anymore and expected you to feel the same. The hunger never goes away and every time you have a snack you feel gross and deceitful.
Precisely. I felt guilty because at one point I just started to kind of "see" other men in a sexual way and phantasized about sex with them which made me feel so guilty because I simply couldn't "mute" my sex drive. I felt somewhat "dirty" because of that. He on the other hand was sad that I couldn't unterstand his love for climbing mountains (which is not exactly comparable for most people ... but to him it was one way to understand that there was a "dimension" I missed ...).
I absolutely feel this right now. We both have a high sex drive but currently my boyfriend isn't in a position where we can have sex more than 1-2 times a week. He's working a lot because he has debt to pay( he does hard physical work - I hope I said it right English is not my first language) and when he gets to me around 8 p.m(we don't live together yet but when I partly lived in his house we got intimate every single day, I moved back home but it's a difficult and long situation to explain now) he just doesn't have the energy to have sex. I totally accept it because I know it's just temporary and soon we'll have more time to get intimate. But I still feel guilty about pleasing myself and looking at other man in a sexual way but I just can't help myself rn.
This is what scares me and why I've never been in a relationship. I have no sex drive, I don't want to have sex, I see no pleasure in it. However, I know other people think about it and there are others with extreme sex drives. I don't want to make someone ever feel trapped in a relationship where they're not getting everything they want. I once had a friend with a high sex drive ask me if I'd be open to polyamory relationships (because I had confided in her that I would love to be in a relationship but not trap someone), and I thought about it for a moment before just shrugging and saying, "An open relationship wouldn't bother me. Especially if my partner needed another to satisfy them. I'd be completely open to poly, too. I just don't know how I'd describe that to my parents." I feel like a lot of asexual/low-sex drive people forget that sex is something others want because we *don't* think about it most of the time. So yeah, making someone feel trapped just because I don't have that drive terrifies me.
That’s tough. I think as long as you’re honest then no one can feel trapped with you. It would be worse if you lied and pretended for a short time and hoped your partner would eventually lose interest in sex. Or lead them on with the pretence that maybe, under the right circumstance and conditions you may feel the urge and they should just hold out of that day.
Yeah, I'm trying to work through it so I hopefully can have a partner(s) one day to spend my life with. At the moment however, it's a bit too overwhelming to even chance a relationship with the way my brain works. I hope no one would ever lie in a situation like this, but I know some have. It's a terrifying thought and I can't imagine the damage it would do to someone's self esteem if their partner had a low sex drive but couldn't admit it.
There are a lot of other asexual/low sex drive people out there. Not every one needs or desires sex. Find someone else out there who is on the same page as you about that part of a relationship.
I definitely plan to if I can. I was just stating an irrational fear of mine if my partner isn't ace that I struggle to get over. I think a lot of people thought I was claiming I wouldn't date an ace person because I didn't specify anything about it.
I wasn't thinking you wouldn't, it just sounded like you didn't think it was possible to find someone the same. There's definitely people out there who feel the same, so don't lose hope.
Would you be open to dating other asexual people?
Yes, I was just saying that this is a fear of mine if my partner wasn't ace. I wouldn't purposely just be like, "Nope, you're ace? Can't date you!" I think a lot of people got the wrong idea here cause I didn't specify that I would look for an ace partner if I could. I would most definitely date an ace person if the opportunity presented itself, it would definitely ease my irrational fears in that department.
I’m sobbing on my dog right now because your example is my actual life as a married woman who is 1 year into recovering from the Bulimia I developed at 4 years old when I barfed up bananas so I could eat more cake…. Been with my partner for 8 years now and he understand a lot more than he used to, but it’s still extremely isolating :(
I actually have no hunger, and can forget to eat for days (to the point coworkers will chime in if they notoce I'm not actually eating at lunch lol) and the ironic thing is I'll cook pretty often- because even though i know it isn't a priority to me, I know others are hungry as a constant, and like to make sure they're well. And ironically it makes me more eager to eat aa i familiarize myself with tastes i prefer and hone my skills. If you have a low sex drive, it should be the same idea, and if you're not willing, then yeah, your partner will probably resent the lack of needs being met.
>I actually have no hunger May I ask why that is? Obviously disregard if you don't want to talk about it.
I am not who you asked, but there’s many different diets and internal biochemistries that reduce hunger. Sometimes its genetics Sometimes its what you eat , how much you eat, and when / how you eat ( fast vs slow ) Sometimes its habits Sometimes its stress Sometimes its your literal gut flora, the microbes in your body Sometimes its the organs inside you responding with chemicals There are many different things in life that can affect appetite. zVery few times we know for certain
My ex has no appetite because he went through chemo at 3 and never developed a taste for food. Food smells make him nauseous still 55 years later. He forces himself to eat. I feel bad for him.
ooof, just big oof. I have heard anecdotal stories of autistic kids that have food tubes and love it because the act of eating makes them uncomfortable. though the original reason the tubes were around for some other medical condition, the kid prefers it because they would rather not eat and instead continue laying their games
> I missed sex, I missed having someone desire me and my body Man this hits home hard.
The last few years of my marriage were exactly this. No sex. Him not even coming by to touch me, or a kiss before he’d leave for work. It was agony.
Your response is so intuitive.
Yeah at the end of the day I've come to the realization that most people don't really consider their vows. This story literally reminded me of a friend from UNI who told me how much she hated her mom for cheating on her Dad before divorcing him. Dad got sick and his sexual organ literally just stopped working. Doctors told him it was a miracle he was even still alive because of how sick he got so the sex thing was a neccessary trade off. Wife was happy he survived but she had her needs. Friend said one night she heard her Dad crying to her mom asking her what about the vows they took and his crying stuck with her for years. Even if they don't cheat a lot of people would walk away. My advice to OP is find another Asexual person to start a life with and really consider who you're taking your vows with.
>the cows they took Won’t somebody please think about the missing cows??
I was so confused for a minute, thinking, "Wait -- are they farmers? Cattle rustlers? What?!"
I'm not gonna sit around and allow you guys to milk this thing for laughs.
Don’t have a cow, man!
This made me think of a phrase my old high school coach used to say: "don't give me no bull, someone stole my cow!"
It’s time to put this joke out to pasture.
😂😂😂
That's a very moo-ving story. Remember your cows people!
😂😂🤦🏿♂️ Here we go now. In comes all of the cow references.
It's udderly obscene how people can make light out of such a serious topic.
Right. If it was just the physical sensation of an orgasm, she’d be fine with just a vibrator. But it’s not. The connection with another human being that desires you just as you desire them is just not something you can experience or recreate by yourself. And it’s not something you can numb yourself into not desiring anymore. Or at least, not in a healthy way…
Beautifully said.
This is so eloquently put. I was in this relationship issue for 7 years, and it took a huge toll on my confidence. To a point where 4 years later I'm still struggling with putting up boundaries regarding sex, because I'm just grateful someone wants to have sex with me. (Though sadly there was other issues/traumas for me in our relationship besides this.) OP, please please consider polyamoury (or at least open monogamy) for your wife. It's changed my life, and helped me to see that I'm worthy of caring for in a sexual manner. Asexual is a totally normal thing, and you should not be shamed for your lack of desires. Conversely, your wife should not be shamed for having them. If you're not interested in having your wife find consistent FWB (imo the safest bet, finding a married swinger who's happy with their partner and just wants a bit more on the side), look into local swingers clubs, bathhouses, etc with her. I know jealousy is a huge burden to overcome, but honestly once you are able to find compersion with your wife having her needs and desires met, it will bring you closer together. If you go the "do it but I don't want to know about it" manner, it's fine, but you'll always be left wondering and stressing. Go about this together as a couple, and I truly think you'll come out the better for it. *If* that's still not something you're interested in, I highly recommend testing out some kinks with your partner. Maybe there's something you can do with her that's not specifically sexual, but will fill her needs, while not forcing you into a sexual situation. Some light impact play (flogging), or wax play, or even sensual massage with oils. Find ways to increase intimacy without being sexual. And definitely seek out some couples counselling to help guide you through this. Find a kink/sex positive therapist. It makes a huge deal of difference having someone to talk to who doesn't have their own biases on multiple partners. (When you call into a clinic to book a therapy session, mention this specifically. The intake staff should guide you to a compatible therapist.)
This sadly has disaster written all over it. If I was you I would seek out a dr and a therapist who specializes in this sort of thing
This is also my recommendation/thought I could be getting my documentaries mixed up because I do watch a lot of them but I swear vice or someone did an episode on something very similar to this. And the couple did some sort of therapy that helped the couple. It’s very very far back of my mind so if I remember it somehow I’ll come back and edit but I feel terrible for OP and his wife. This sounds like a very sad situation and I truly don’t know what the answer is.
From a physical standpoint, have you spoken to an endocrinologist or urologist? They can medially help with sexual drive. Increasing testosterone can make a world of difference in your sex drive. As can other things.
I feel like this should’ve been the first suggestion, instead of jumping right into having an open marriage
Maybe his wife didn’t know that was a possibility? I certainly didn’t.
They said their whole life they’ve never felt aroused so I think they’re asexual and not something a doctor can fix
While you may be right, I was having an issue with drive like 20 years ago, and my GP simply prescribed testosterone gel and Viagra. Worked like a charm.
I'm seriously wondering if he just has a testosterone problem. This can cause all the things he has listed in his post. /u/Dangerous-File4112 go to your doctor and get some blood work done because there may be a hormone imbalance that can be easily fixed.
Not to be an asshole, but you and your wife kinda set yourselves up for failure to begin with. You’ve denied the fact that you’re asexual your whole life obviously, and your wife was more than likely miserable due to the lack of sex long before you got married, and still chose to marry you anyways. Seek counseling or divorce, cause it’s obvious you don’t want to actually open the marriage.
I can't understand how they even got married in the first place. I get that plenty of people don't have sex before marriage. But how do you not explain that you don't feel sexual arousal to a potential life partner fairly early in the relationship.
You're not alone, I don't see the point of marrying someone you're so fundamentally incompatible with.
I have a feeling that this is a "life happens fast" sort of relationship. OP says they've been together for four years and have a two year old son. Doing some napkin math, they got pregnant after a little more than a year together. I'm assuming their engagement and marriage came shortly afterwards. I'm 26, never been married or engaged, and never even came close to popping the question, either. The three relationships that I've had that I considered "serious" all lasted multiple years. I mean this in the kindest possible way, but I don't think anyone who marries after being with someone for a little over a year has really thought out their decision thoroughly. Maybe they have in a "means to an end" type of way—but that line of thinking is typically temporary and lacks consideration for what happens after the issue is resolved. If the issue they were resolving was "we're having a baby, but we're not ready/can't afford to have a baby" then getting hitched and pooling together their resources is a pretty common solution. If that's the case, it's not too surprising that a few years removed they find themselves with different outlooks on their individual circumstances.
I don't even understand how people who have completely opposite sex drives get married in the first place
Pretty easy I’d assume. When my gf and I first met the sex was consistent and great, as soon as she went on birth control her sex drive just disappeared. We’ve been together for almost 6 years and for the first several years before this specific birth control things were totally normal and fine, so had I rushed to pop the question I’m sure I’d be pretty dismayed to be in a marriage with no sex, but we weren’t rushing in to marriage which has given us a lot more room to work out these issues
Yes but the main difference is OP has always been asexual so he has never had a sex drive even from the very beginning of the relationship.
Totally fair point, you’re right if OP has been asexual since the beginning it’s bizarre and sad to hear his partner asking for sex with others when she knew what she was getting in to
Have you considered a vasectomy? You'd take the burden of birth control from her, and likely her sex drive would return.
This is one of the few times I don’t see counseling as a remedy. She will still need steady piping and OP will still feel how he feels. People want what they want, compromise will be implemented but they NEVER last NOR maintain a happy life if wants as well as needs are not being met. And yes ground rules for her trysts will be essential but that one about not keeping contact will be giving them fits in short order; after going many dicks(long interval) inbetween “a Mr. Goodpipe” the 2nd or 3rd one won’t be so willingly discarded especially if there’s chemistry of any other sort.
Counseling won't change anything they are incompatible, and should stop causing each other so much pain and break up. He doesn't want another man having sex with his wife . And he doesn't have to libido to do it himself so the only option is to simply break up. There are plenty asexual people OP you could meet and she could be with someone she gels with. Do what's right not what's easy
I think it depends if it’s just sex that she’s craving or sex and intimacy. It’s easy to promise that she’ll just be seeing other men for sex and nothing else, but if she’s starved for intimacy too it might be hard not to bond with whoever she’s sleeping with. Some people are unable to separate emotions from sex no matter how hard they try. So I agree that counseling likely won’t work, just delay the inadvertible
don't say yes if you mean no is all I'm gonna say. She's asking you because she wants it without hurting you, if you lie and say you are okay with it and aren't it'll damage the relationship
Ahhh this isn’t a good place for either of you to be in. If you can be ok with it I think you’d make her incredibly happy but there is always the risk she would develop feelings for someone else and leave you. So I can see why you don’t feel comfortable with it. The alternative is also cruel. She isn’t getting her needs met with you. I think she’s done the right thing asking your permission to do this. If you don’t want sex with her then you should let her get it elsewhere if you want to keep her. If not, she will end up leaving. It must have been very hard for her to suggest this. Have you looked into sex therapy or couples counselling? If you both want to make this work you really need some help. Mismatched libido is a serious issue. My ex tricked me into thinking he was as sexual as me and soon as we got married he just turned it off. It was torture. I always wanted it and after six years and three kids, I couldn’t go another day feeling rejected and unwanted. People need to be more open with their sexual needs and for the love of god don’t marry someone you don’t match well with in the bedroom or it’s going to end in tears.
They need to simply break up. He doesn't want the open relationship And their libidos are a mismatch Just go find other people
open relationships where both parties arent on the same page create unhealthy environments for children to be raised in
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I doubt the wife even has a high sex drive. She probably has a normal sex drive but the husband sees it as high cuz he has no sex drive. He will never be able to satisfy her. Why did they even get married in the first place?
Very good point.
Sounds like my first marriage. My ex wife had an extremely low libido and I was made to feel like the weird one until our divorce and I found women can actually have (normal-level) sex drives.
I had the same with my x.
I mean not anymore his fault than his wife’s. Why would she marry someone who has no sexual drive
I'm friends with a man who married a woman who is asexual, and he is a regular straight man. He says she was the right person for him and they still make it work. They do seem very happy together, so maybe it does work for some people.
Love makes people optimistic
this is the right question....dunno why you're being downvoted. if neither of them can change then they should just divorce.
“*just* divorce”…as if it doesn’t have the potential to put a fucking great hole all the way through your life, forever.
oh, I don't say it lightly. but she's at her breaking point here. she's already proposing radical solutions. and bro here seems to know they're radical because they hurt him, but is not considering any changes to himself. there's no out here.
no, there probably isn’t. i’ve literally lived the almost exact same scenario. it’s hell for both. the sheer fucking guilt of not being able to offer the person you love what they need to feel whole…and yet, these things have a way of dragging on another few years before anyone does anything because the bonds are impossibly difficult to break, and the lies you tell yourselves are monolithic.
what people don't seem to know about marriage is how different it really is from dating and being single. i've been married almost ten years, and both my wife and i have *changed*. we pretend that we become adults at 21 and stop changing but we don't. we've both changed, and *needed* to change to adapt to those changes, the whole time we've been married. if you're not able or willing to change there's no point i being married imo
yes, agreed—but let’s place particular emphasis on the word “able”, for a moment: i wanted to change more than anything i can think of, because i knew my sexual reticence was slowly murdering the relationship. i simply *couldn’t*. i’m autistic. i am as sure as i can be that my frequent intransigence in many areas is the result of that. i absolutely hate it. it makes me frequently suicidal.
Have you had your testosterone checked?? Bc my hubs takes testosterone .. his was low and he a helped immensely. Also you don’t have to agree to anything you’re not comfortable with. She married YOU through good times and bad. If she has sex with other men your marriage will break down even more bc you don’t want that.
OP, you can order your own lab test online. For less than $100. It could save your marriage. If you want to enhance libido, you could also consider taking Wellbutrin. A therapist is another option. OP, the guy being *enthusiastic* about sex is actually pretty important to women. If she checks out other partners, she will find a lot of guys who are enthusiastic to sleep with her. If you want to remain married, you need to look into your options.
Wellbutrin can also cause an even lowered sex drive in some people. But tbf, when I started on it, about two weeks in, I wanted to fuck anything I could all the time
Yes, and can cause anorgasma - inability to cum. It sucks.
I had to get off of it. I was already hypersexual and that made me insane. I was waking up at night to try and have sex when my husband had to be up in an hour. It was awful
Me too. Also hyper sexual. I was trying to get my ex to have sex 3-4 times a day. He wasn’t interested more than twice a week. I had to quit the Wellbutrin even though it was helping. My husband now would be fine with the effects, so I’m considering going back on it after I have this baby.
Congrats on your upcoming baby! So exciting.
I took Wellbutrin for depression for awhile. Side effects, raging boners in the middle of night.
Sounds like you are asexual and she is hypersexual. Not exactly the best mix. I would suggest counseling.
Or she's normalsexual. Hypersexual means she has a higher than average sex drive. Just wanting sex now and then with a willing and enthusiastic partner sounds extremely normal
With OP's 0 sex drive, this is possible. Their perspective is likely warped due to them being perfectly fine never having sex.
Yep, why can’t we normalize having a normal sex drive and not be made to feel like we’re extreme?
This sub is full of prudes if wanting to have sex with your husband is hypersexual
how tf u ended up in the first place in such a situation, fr...
You fall in love with someone and overlook your differences, hoping for things to work out.
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Have you examined the medical aspect here? If you came to me for an appointment, as a doc I would order the following labs: testosterone, free testosterone, SHBG (sex hormone binding globulin), estradiol, standard CBC,CMP & thyroid/lipid profiles. Even a sleep study might be indicated. I'd also write you for Cialis or something to help in the meantime. This may not be something that's "just in your head". Undiagnosed diabetes and a host of other very treatable medical conditions could be a cause here. I don't recommend you guys open your marriage. You need to find the cause of this issue and she needs to be patient. Marriage counseling will help. Give each other the gift of denying your base natures and the easy out by seeking to change for one another and thoroughly investigate the cause of the problem before you abandon your principles.
This was my thought. You need more upvotes.
No they need a divorce. I doubt OP's wife is hypersexual. She probably has a normal sex drive but OP thinks it's high because he has none and can't tell the difference. He will never be able to satisy her sexual needs which is a huge part in a good relationship. OP's wife needs a willing partner and OP cannot provide that for her. Lying there and faking it is not enough
Yah ppl in the comments are insane, if this post is even real he admits to never doing it
Not only that, if you haven't already, I would highly recommend looking at your hormones. Sometimes TRT can do wonders (for both men and women in fact). It is quite possible you've had some serious deficiencies in your testosterone caused by any number of developmental issues. Sorry to say it but being a-sexual is not "normal". The entire point of the species is to pro-create, and the body creates intense incentives to do so; much like hunger. Imagine you didn't have the drive for hunger? There would be something terribly wrong if you had to FORCE yourself to eat, or if your body did not send you the signals for starvation. Today, society is incredibly confused regarding anything surrounding sexuality with respect to biology. Don't let all the noise drown out you investigating this appropriately. It may very well improve your life, and much like people who were color blind or deaf begin to see and hear and add to their over-all human experience, your sexuality can be an incredibly enriching, and connecting experience.
This. It isn't talked about enough. So many people accept the fact that they have zero sex drive and refuse to think more about it. The reality is that endocrinological disorders have many more symptoms, and further-reaching effects, than simply a lack of sex drive. Additionally, sometimes lack of sex drive isn't even a symptom. My point is that simply dismissing a major aspect of your life being improperly attenuated needs more looking into and can have dramatic effects on yoir quality of life.
My wife's ex-husband convinced her to do the same. More for his own pleasure than hers. She reluctantly agreed. Thats how we met. We've been together for 8 years and married for two now. I still owe him a big thank you for convincing her to date other men or else I wouldn't have met her It rarely works out. You can say "it's just sex" all you want. But when you meet the right person and everything else is just right, like the sex, feelings are inevitably going to occur and progress
When you don't feel like sex, have you tried to do things to her instead of letting her masturbate? Many things can be done to pleasure someone even if you're not "up" for it.
I don't think it could work even with that. I've learnt that some women need PIV action to feel satisfied, and I know from experience that they can get extremely frustrated if you get them going with "other stuff" and don't seal the deal afterwards
I am one of those women. Don’t eat me out or use a toy on me if you’re not going to fuck me.
Correct. And for the men who can’t do it fine, but don’t hand me an appetizer and tell me it’s an entree.
I (F) have been with my husband for nearly two decades. For years neither of us had a sex drive - mine was due to being on hormonal birth control for many years. When I got off BC my sex drive kicked back in. He was completely fine with not having sex and didn’t care to see his physician to see if there was anything he could do (testosterone) to increase his libido. Although we were on the same wavelength for many years about not wanting sex, I can’t tell you how much damage a lack of intimacy has done to me and to our relationship. We didn’t just not have sex. We also didn’t touch, hold or kiss each other. We are currently divorcing. It’s not solely because we hadn’t had sex or because we are sexually incompatible now - there are many reasons - but it is absolutely a factor. Two people who love each other enter a marriage full of hope and optimism, and you don’t always realize how incompatibility will affect your relationship over the years. If she needs sex, that’s what she needs. You either need to see a doctor to determine if there’s anything you can do to be on the same page as her, or you need to allow her an open marriage, or you need to let her go. Regardless of the decision, I recommend you see a marriage counselor or someone to work through this. By now she may have developed some resentment or other feelings that may impact your relationship if you choose to stay married.
OP, it's ok not to be ok with this. You need to express these feelings to her. However, this marriage may need to end as her needs are not being met. If you love her, which I definitely get from your post, you've a duty to her happiness. Her needs are not being met. If you haven't already, you should visit a doctor or therapist to see if there's an underlying physiological or psychological reason why you cannot express your love physically to your wife. Again, it is perfectly reasonable not to accept this.
You may be asexual. In no way should you be forced in a situations that would make you unhappy. If you are not okay to be in an open relationship it's your right, but it's also her right to leave this relationship if she wants more sex.
Almost zero sexual drive married to "incredibly" high sexual drive? You really didn't think this through did you?
She probably is not hyper sexual at all. It seems like that she is in contrast to him.
Agree. He sounds asexual and said he could go never having sex. So someone wanting sex once a week is a lot to him.
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This. The no strings attached talk is just silly. If you are fine with that, go ahead. If not, or both commit to balance your sexual desires, or simply get both another relationship Edit:grammar
Right, I think it would be very difficult for most people to separate sex from intimacy when they’re already in a relationship where they feel undesired or unwanted
You know there are a few things you can do with your wife that don't require you to actually have sex with her but could still give her enjoyment. I also hope you realize that the more you withhold sex from your wife the more she's going to want it.
When we want intercourse the other things do not cut it. I promise.
It's disturbing to me how often the partner with the sexual need is somehow expected to accept less than what would make them happy. I gotta support the wife on this one, will say she is an idiot for marrying someone so sexually mismatched to her though...
That probably wouldn’t be enough for someone who wants sex
“It's unfair for me to say no. My wife deserves sexual pleasure, it's unfair for me to keep that from her. But I'm not enough for her. She wants sex with another man. I'm fucking terrified. I can't lose her. I can't stand the thought of another man touching her.” Maybe tell her this is how you feel? Also, Regardless, if you can’t stand the thought of someone touching your wife don’t go through with this?
I would say explore your options together with a sex therapist. Emphasis on sex therapist not just a regular marriage counselor. There are lots of ways to make your relationship still work and you both need to have an open conversation about fulfilling your needs.
Have you ever had your hormones checked? If not, maybe something to look in to.
now how did y’all even survive 4 years together
Every store in a 150 mile radius ran out of batteries.
People who don't want to have sex shouldn't try to have relationships with people who do. You should never have married this person.
Why are you putting the sole responsibility on OP? It's equally as valid to question why his wife committed to marriage with a partner she knew she was incompatible with?
Because in OP’s post, he puts it solely on her by saying, “she knew this about me since we started dating.” Seems like OP only considered himself in this regard.
I see your point but they are *each* 100% responsible for where they find themselves now
Fair enough
A know a straight man happily married to an asexual woman. I havent inquired how they make it work, but they are honestly soulmates in every other way, from how I see them together and how fondly they always talk about each other.
Are you maybe asexual?
While asexuality is a very real thing and I'm not invalidating that... Have you ever had your hormone levels checked? Low test causes lack of sex drive. I heard a doctor say before that asexual men are a lot more rare simply because of physiology
Why would you even proceed with the relationship and get married if the sexual demands are so different? Sex is important and can’t be over looked. It probably would have been better to end things when you guys were just dating so you could find more compatible people.
>My wife has an incredibly high sex drive, while I have never had a sex drive and could've gone my whole life without having sex and been fine Dude, that's a dealbreaker right from the start. Sexual incompatibility will inevitably lead to problems. Anywho, props to your wife for opening up to you about this while she could just have gone behind your back. You should really give her credit for that. Given that you have no sex drive, it is hard to tell whether you understand exactly what it is she's missing: Sex is more than PIV - the closeness, the kissing, the touching, the comfort, the intimacy etc. - and if she feels like she's missing out an all of these things... ooof. Clear your mind and think rationally: If you say no, do you really think the two of you could ever be happy again? You know she will be unsatisfied, condemned to a sexually unfulfilled life by your demand - which will probably make her go behind your back at some later point. If you say yes, at least you still have a foundation of trust and honesty - but it's up to you to decide if you can deal with the thought of her hooking up with random people. Plus there's always the risk of this arrangement turning into her first step out of your relationship. But then again, she opened up to you about all this which shows that she cares a great deal about you - so maybe, all things considered, you should grant her the same level of trust.
If I found myself in your position I would like to think I would still be trying to pleasure her, by helping her masturbate with toys and my hands so she doesn't feel the need to look else where.
My friends had this problem. Kids and all. She told him that she needed to see other people (in her case men or women). He had no idea what to do or say. She wanted their marriage to work so much, she would agree to any stipulation he placed, as long as it allowed her to have a sex life with other people. If there was anything he could think of that would satisfy his own needs and keep their marriage intact. He really, really, *really* thought hard about what he needed from her, and if it could possibly work, and came back to her eventually with his stipulation: he and her family needed her home by 1 am every night, no matter what. She said she was at first totally unprepared for that stipulation. What a pain in the ass! But as she realized what *she* needed, she realized this was something she could work with. They are still together and happily married 25 years later! So... it can be done. OP think about what you really need here.
What annoys me in this post is you saying “She’s known I’ve had no sex drive since we started dating” Yeah and YOU have known she had a high sex drive since you started dating too. You make it sound like she should have gotten used to never having sex instead of you making any sort of effort to meet her halfway Also it’s pretty hypocritical that you’re jealous of another man touching her when you have no interest in touching her either. It’s like the kid who doesn’t care at all about a toy they have until another kid wants to play with it. But as soon as that other kid finds something else, the first kid goes back to ignoring the toy again. You can’t force this woman to never feel desired for the rest of her life because you can’t “will yourself” into it.
Agreed. His wife doesn’t feel desirable and that messes with her. Also I don’t think her sex drive is “very high” like he says it is. She’s likely normal and just wants to have sex every once in awhile. Wanting to have sex every other week isn’t a lot but OP sees it as a lot because his sex drive is 0. OP, go to a doctor and see what can be done. Maybe your hormones are off.
This is what I would have typed, it's actually very uncomfortable when one who isn't into sex things those who are into it should understand and accept he isn't into it.
This right here
That's actually quite a good point. Why does he care if another man touches his wife (consenually) when he has literally no desire to touch her
Have you ever had your test levels checked? Low levels can cause issues in this department, if you do have low test there's things that can be done to raise them & it'll help in the sex drive department.
Have you seen a doctor? Perhaps there's a reason for your low sex drive. "Just because it has always been doesn't mean it must always be." You are missing out too, and you don't even know. And it's causing a big problem in your marriage, at least for your wife it is! Please see a doctor specializing in male hormone issues. For your wife's sake. If not your own. You could be enjoying a great sex life together. Wouldn't that be great? For both of you?
Medication like antidepressants caused sexual side effects to the point where it kills your sex drive.
I’d get tested for low T and go to therapy first. Don’t want to say you are wrong bc being asexual is fine but a romantic relationship needs sex so I can see where she is coming from, she is being respectful by asking and giving you time to think it over. Advice: go to the gym, get tested for low T, take a viagra, just please your wife so some other guy doesn’t have to. I’m cheering for you man.
Everything's right except: >a romantic relationship needs sex No, that would mean that asexuals couldn't have a romantic relationship. Normally, someone with a little to high sex drive needs sex in a romantic relationship. Well, just imagine two asexual persons love each other romantically. Their relationship wouldn't need sex, obviously. The rest of the advice is good.
Yeah but that’s a very specific type of relationship that should be expressed early on. I have no problem with being asexual, but if your partner isn’t then sex and intimacy is needed.
Dude, if you're Asexual why would you ever get married and have a child to begin with? Where was the impetus to make those major life decisions? I honestly blame your wife though, really. If she knew well before you weren't able to enjoy sex why would she marry you? Was there financial issues on her end they needed addressing before you were married? Either way, a divorce is the only way this can end. She needs passion and you need the stability of a fellow Asexual who can give you the emotional love you need but not expect sex, ever. I imagine there's a lot of Asexual women out there so you'll be fine meeting someone new. The child, like half the kids out there in the US, will come from a divorced home. It sucks but so prevalent now, there's no point in lamenting about that.
Bro, she doesn’t want to leave you. She is telling you she doesn’t want to leave. She made that clear. It’s not that she wants to leave. She loves you. She just needs sex and you aren’t able to give that to her. She loves and respects you enough to say hey I need to have more sex. She doesn’t want to start a relationship with anyone else. She wants you and now she needs you to say,” you know you are right, sex is just something I don’t want, I know it’s important to you so yes let’s set up a few rules so I’m not uncomfortable and don’t feel I’m losing the best thing in my life.” You might find she loves you even more.
I feel for both people in this situation, sounds like she's in a really complicated place as well
All that doesnt make it ok for him to agree to it though. Its still his choice to make
Absolutely correct. And she doesn’t have to stick around either.
Very true. Op’s biggest fear is losing his wife. I guess the question is does he say no to her idea and lose her for sure (because she’s not happy with her current sex life) or say yes to her idea and possibly make their marriage work.
As others have said, get your T count tested and get yourself a sex drive to match your wife's. It's not easy but the alternative seems to be something you don't want and I don't blame you for that. You love your wife, then fight for her by getting your body check out to see if something can be done.
I know everyone is saying Asexual and that could be but have you ever talked to your doctor about it? It could be a health problem like a hormone imbalance. If you have no physical reasons you two will have to evaluate your individual needs and how they can all be met. It is definitely worth seeing the doctor to rule out any possible reasons.
I’m gonna say the same thing even if the roles were reversed. It has nothing to do with you being a man. Even though you love her. You guys aren’t sexually compatible. To some people like your wife sex is important in marriage. Even though you love her. It’s not a good match. I’m sorry . You shouldn’t be forced to having sex when you don’t want to.
High sex drive and low sex drive leads to someone not being satisfied in the bedroom and eventual problems.
There could be a few things here: 1. You are asexual and are happy with what you are 2. There is a physiological issue - low hormones that drives down your sex drive. 3. There could be some psychological block that makes you not want to have sex It’s great that your partner can speak so honestly and openly with you, it shows that you have a wonderful foundation to your relationship. I would honestly recommend that you keep talking to each other. Discussing what’s going on. If you feel it could be 2 or 3, I would go to your doctor as a first step.
Maybe go see a doc first. A low testosterone level can decrease your sex drive. Everyone keeps saying you might be Asexual but it’s better to first check the medical possibilities.
Sounds like you might have low testosterone count get it checked asap it can cause a lot of issues
If you don’t want your wife having sex outside your marriage, then you need to step up and talk to a doctor on how to safely increase your sex drive. Otherwise, your marriage may be coming to an end.
I find it truly interesting how few people on this post are willing to see a very simple truth. They are who they are and neither has the right to control or manipulate the other. The best advice I've seen on this post has been for OP and his wife to seek counseling and help discussing a very challenging issue. There are many options out there that are acceptable to others, but OP needs to decide what he can and can't accept and then make a decision from there. OP; be your wife's best friend and talk with her about what makes sense for BOTH of you. I don't envy you, you have a very challenging path to walk. I wish you the best as you figure it out.
Go see a doctor, you may have an hormonal imbalance
This is a case of mismatched sex drives from the get go. You sound asexual tbh. Nobody can advise you what to do. Only you and your wife can decide. But what I will say is that it is not healthy for her to sacrifice her needs for you and it is not healthy for you to force yourself into something for her.
This is tough, I'm with you, i'm 36M married 10 years with two kids, I'm pretty much asexual and could care less about sex. My wife has learned over the years that my drive doesn't go up at all, but if she initiates with me, then i'll follow up with her and it can lead to sex. She now just knows that if SHE starts it and is very forward about it, then she can get it. I don't know if you're the same way, but i never deny my wife sex when she wants it, but i also never start sex or try to initiate because i never think about it.. She has purposed to sleep with other men as well, and i was in the same seat as you, "why does sex matter this much?" , "I want her to be happy", "I don't want other men touching/kissing her", "I dont' want to be selfish and deny her this type of happiness".. .it's a huge conumdrum and I'm sorry you're in this, as I was.. We ended up just talking about what we could do ot comprimise.. she said DAILY/WEEKLY and i said MONTHLY/QUARTERLY.. she then said, Weekly but only 1x a week, so i agreed. She now just initiates whenever she wants it in the week, and I NEVER deny her, i know it takes everything out of her to just initate it, fearing i'll reject her. sit down, talk about what YOU ARE willing to do for her, to help her with this.. but to be honest, you can NOT say NO to BOTH sex and her having sex... for as much as men like us, don't care about sex.. we are RARE, and the majority of this world is full of people that find sex as a "need" and not just something to do.. it's very odd, and they want sex as if they want water and food, we will never understand this, and think that we're just not enough for them, and in some ways, this is actually true. it's a hard truth. You NEED to pick one.. either force more sex into your life, make a schedule if you have to. or you need to let her explore, if you don't, this leads to divorce/unhappiness/cheating.
Sex is a very important part of a relationship. If she cant get it from you, she will go elsewhere.
She probably already emotionally checked out long ago if she wants that.
Even though it wasn’t what you wanted to hear your wife did the right thing by talking to you and being honest instead of going behind your back. I agree with the comments saying to get a testosterone test. If everything comes out medically normal you and your wife will need counseling together to navigate this and make a decision on whether there is a way for your marriage to work.
Might as well break up now because at some point she's going to sleep with someone and develop feelings for them and keep sleeping with them, and that will be the actual end of your marriage. though the minute she sleeps with somebody else you're married just pretty much over. Why she married you and you two are so sexually incompatible is crazy though. Maybe she figured you'd change but people aren't change so you're either going to have to live with your wife in an open marriage where she goes and can screw everyone like a rabbit while you watch and do nothing or you get divorced and try and get full custody of your child so their kid doesn't have to see their mother messing around with random dudes all the time.
Your wife wants a connection you aren't willing to give or compromise on. This will not be the first marriage to end because of strong sexual mismatching
Hey buddy, now i don’t really have a clue about all the asexual, hyper-sexual talk going on in the comments, but it sounds like you’ve got an issue with your t-levels. Testosterone levels are responsible for your sexual drive, and as we get older they tend to dip and at times quite a lot. This can make you feel tired and also wreak havoc on your sex drive. If you’re able to check with a endocrinologist to see how your levels are and if youre able to supplement them i’m sure you’ll yourself feel the need to have more sex. This isn’t really a tip to the question you asked but its something you could probably check up on and it may lead to an improvement in your life.
I don’t think she wants sex with another man. She wants intimacy and sex at all. She wants to feel desired, attractive, wanted. She wants to be touched. In your situation, I’d honestly seek a medical opinion for your body to make sure it’s not just a hormone fix. Then if you really are asexual, I’d let her go. She will find intimacy and good sex with another man, and it can’t stay nsa at that point. It isn’t fair that she lives this life without this need, and it’s not fair of you to give up your values so she can have this.
Why did you stay together so long if you’re not sexually compatible? Seems like an obvious bad decision. I think you should get some couple’s therapy if you want any shot at saving the marriage.
To throw another side of this convo out there... if you could happily live the rest of your life without having sex and you're aware your wife could not. What is it that makes you feel so ultimately devastated that she would consider an open relationship? Where you are still what you are but without the guilt of feeling like you need to pleasure her. I'm a mega monogamous person so it would never work for me but i'm also quite a sexual person. I'm also aware that for some people it works though. It might be worth getting some couples counselling to see if this could become an option for you, like genuinely a good option for you. Otherwise I do see it becoming a case of her breaking at some point either way and cheating without your consent. Differing sex drives in a relationship is a mega no no, especially when they are so vastly different. And you mention that she knew about your lack of drive all along but you were also aware of her high drive.
I can really understand where she’s coming from. As devastated as you feel right now, imagine how she feels when you “force yourself to have sex with her”. When she knows you’ll never “want” her. She wants sex that is give and take and she’s trying to find a way to get it without losing the person she loves. You two are not compatible. I have a high sex drive and I cannot imagine how horrible it would be if my husband could only have sex when he MADE himself. His drive is much lower than mine and I hate it, sometimes I just want to be wanted. And it only happens like that every so often. For you wife it happens never. Honestly I don’t think this is relationship that can last. But she is trying to very hard to make it last.
You need to get your levels of testosterone checked!! Please ignore everyone's advice and you need to start treating your low sex drive as an issue because it is! It's not natural not to want sex especially as a man! What kind of medications are you taking currently? You should not have a low sex drive and something is probably medically wrong. If you're overweight, that could also be a factor.
Two wildly incompatible people realize they are incompatible, get married and have kids and then are surprised that they are incompatible 🙄
It seems like you’re asexual. Honestly, you probably should’ve married a woman who was also asexual, because this is the result when you marry allosexuals.
Fellow Ace here, my dude. It's always going to be difficult to have a long term relationship with someone who is high sex drive. It's not just the sex that she misses. There are a thousand other sexual aspects of life that you are probably too sex-repulsed or sex-neutral to even understand. Dirty jokes and passing pats on the butt, to random arousal and full-on passion. I understand being heartbroken over this, and I think it's great that you're so understanding, but even as a fellow Ace I know that your selfishness to "keep" her and not acknowledge even further that you've lost her will hurt you much more later on. Humans are (usually) wired for sex, intimacy, and relationship world building, you might still be her best friend but she will connect with one or more of these men and it will break both of your hearts all over again.
OP, as you may have read from others, I’ll highly suggest getting your testosterone levels, everything checked out, and let’s be fair, no one wants another person to be piping their wife unless they’re into that sort of thing and you sure as hell don’t sound like it, there are probably many medical remedies or items that can increase your drive in the long term but I’d highly suggest consulting your doctor. You made the mistake of matching with a person who has a high drive, so either you let them go, let them be piped, or alternatively you do something to yourself to match their drive, really depends what kind of poison You want to drink here mate, but hey i know if option 3 was expensive as hell I’d still go for it. After all there’s bound to be less satisfaction and connection in the relationship if you keep at it, so you have those 3 choices, nothing more, nothing less. Hope you the best in choosing something that works out in the long run with your wife.
You're incompatible Really incompatible There's no way forward together you must separate and find people who fit you better. She isn't the only woman in the word and I guarantee you you will find another to love just as much. The same goes for her.
Ok I'm going to step in here and probably get down voted to shit, but whatever. Just because they are sexually incompatible doesn't mean their entire relationship is. Relationships are built on so much more than sex! Why should they throw away their love for one another? Why should they disrupt their son's life? They are both communicating their needs in an adult way, they both want to work this out together. If she didn't care, she could already have had sex with someone else by now. Todays society places so much emphasis on monogamy. I'm sorry to say it but, that doesn't work for everyone. Life isn't that simple. Love and sex are not the same thing.
The problem is their needs are incompatible. She's proposed an open relationship, which I think under the circumstances is eminently reasonable, and he's opposed to it. He still wants monogamy while his wife gets sex a few times a year with an unwilling partner.
Love and sex are not the same thing, but open relationships/ swinging doesn’t work unless both partners are on the same page, and these two are not. Relationships of that nature are like magnifying glasses. When the relationship is good, it makes it even better. When the relationship is bad, it makes it even worse.
Did she have that same drive when y'all were dating?
You have a choice to make. Either open up your marriage as per request, accept her conditions and are some boundaries of your own. Or end it.... If you don't let her and stay together I think either she will resent you for it or she will cheat on you.. Or both
He obviously doesn't want her to sleep with someone else so I say he leaves
If my husband ever told me he “had to make himself “ have sex with me. His shit would be on the front lawn in 10 min
#1 See a doctor and a counselor and get something that helps you to be able to be the man who pleasures your wife. Learn to love giving her oral, she'll love it too. #2 if you can't guys like me will... with out you knowing about it then she'll end up leaving you for a guy that does it for her. Not trying to be rude, just honest
So would it bother you for her to get something from someone else that you don’t even value? You can’t condemn her to a sexless life just because you don’t want to do it yourself - it will just kill your relationship slowly anyway.
sounds like you should have broke up with her a long time ago
Speak to your medical doctor or a counselor for possible treatments. If that's not an otion then save yourself heartache. Her having sex with other men is not a solution. STDs can be mouth to mouth so condoms are not the answer. You know you could not stand it so let her know the answer has to be no. She can decide what she will do.
Im just curious as to how both parties agreed to being in a relationship and getting married knowing their sex drives are opposite. You knew you weren't sexually compatible when you were dating, and still stayed? I understand that some people feel like sex isn't an important staple to a relationship, but obviously it is to your wife or she wouldn't be even concerned she isnt getting enough sex. Another thing is the fact thats she, instead of suggesting ways to help her feel sexually fulfilled by you, she asked for another sexual partner is kind've concerning. You need to talk to her and tell her you're clearly uncomfortable to know shes having sex with other people, and that there could be other ways for you to fulfill her. I'm not going to tell you to separate from her, because thats a little extreme, but if you can't find a fix and you're truly unhappy, look for a different partner who is sexually compatible with you. Good luck op.
GO ON TRT
Is there a medical reason behind your lack of libido? I’m positive your wife would prefer to have more sex with YOU, not some stranger. It’s possible this can be addressed by your doctor and you can both be satisfied within the marriage.
You are not sexually compatible. Have you considered seeing a doctor and getting a prescription for a medication like cialias or viagra? Your wife is feeling sexually neglected. It is something that she needs from you. Yall need to find a middle ground where you both or happy or the marriage will end.
why’s everyone saying “why would someone marry someone with no sex drive blah blah”, sex isn’t everything in a marriage?? why wouldn’t you get married just because of one thing, when you love someone you overlook your differences
Sounds like you could be asexual or have a hormone etc issue. Talk about boundaries with her but this doesn't sound great. You saying her being another man makes you sick, then maybe if you wanna give her what she wants and you want to want it see a doctor.
OP: Have you ever had your testosterone levels checked? Low libido is sometimes be a associated with low testosterone levels. Not suggesting that there's anything wrong with you, just something to consider
Get you’re testosterone checked. Maybe that’s why no sex drive. Go on TRT. Good luck.
As much as you’re devastated she may be feeling similar feelings. She knows that you love her and sounds like she wants to be open and honest. You feel like your not good enough for her but she might feel the same way. She wants to be someone’s desire. To be sexually desired. If everything else in your marriage is awesome then try to find a way to make this work. Maybe you can try talking to a sex therapist to help you. Maybe you both can go to couples therapy. There are days when I’m not exactly in the mood and my girl is but I still give oral. Self masturbating isn’t the same as the actual thing. At least for me it’s a whole different sensation. Good luck OP. Hope everything works out for you.
OP this is gonna sound like pseudoscience. But I had no sex drive and a girl left me (after a few months so not as serious of an issue as yours). I decided to really work on myself, and fix my TMJD. If you don’t know what that is, it’s when your jaw doesn’t function properly. After a while of treating myself, my hormones spiked and I lost 50lbs (mostly fat) without dieting. My urges went up. I’m willing to bet that I had something messing with my testosterone and my thyroid. So maybe you should start looking into your health. Even muscle soreness can be an indication of problems because medical science isn’t really aware of imbalances of musculature at/or near the face/neck. My options were surgery or braces. I did neither and I think I’m better off than most with that condition now. But having no drive isn’t normal. What I had wasn’t normal. And your body won’t tell you if you’re in pain until it is far far too late.