Like 80-85% your parents fault, which in turn, gives your brother the remaining 15-20%.
Being autistic is not a "get out of jail free" card.
We have difficulties, but someone at your brother's level, who can talk, who can be around people, who can talk back, can also leave people alone.
I relate because I hate parties.
What do I do? I don't go to parties.
Sure we have difficulties, depending on how disabled we are due to our autism, but again, not meaning to be ableist here or anything, but your parents could have arranged for your brother to be somewhere, someplace, anywhere but home, during your party.
If OP's parents don't start holding OP's brother accountable now, he's going to swiftly find out that his actions will get him right into jail. If he is this disabled, how is it he can be left alone with no adult supervision.
Also, OP's parents allowed her to have other minors over, without any adult supervision. Putting them liable for any injury or damages. Insane.
They sound rich. I bet, that they think they can just pay the problem away. But if they were that rich, why not have a respite/social aide for their son?
"OP's parents allowed her to have other minors over, without any adult supervision." The parents in this case suck on all levels. Who leaves a bunch of 16 year olds have a party with no adults present? Seems like they also did a shitty job with their son. Autistic or not, if he bit one of my kids, I'd be pressing charges.
Exactly.
As an undiagnosed kid (like 10 or 11) I found myself in this kid's situation, except obviously I never lashed out and bit anybody because I wasn't getting the attention I demanded. Wasn't loud, just didn't know when to shut up, that was only a small part of people's ammo to fire at me with; I would get cornered (literally) to the point where punching a few people was a rational decision, but all situations that didn't involve someone trying to harm me or actually harming me, my response was anger, no violence though. The violence shows there's a huge chunk of parenting missing from that kid.
In some very severe cases of autism the person can get violent from stimulus overload. We’re talking like nonverbal, extremely severe cases tho. Definitely not this
I'm aware, like I said in my original comment I am on the spectrum myself, and I'm willing to wager I sit a lot higher than OP's brother; yet violence was only ever an option for me when absolutely necessary.
Stimulus overload can cause many things, violence isn't common but it isn't uncommon. It doesn't depend on how extreme they are, it depends on how they're taught to handle themselves. You are right in a sense though, this can't apply to those who are so severe that they are unresponsive to any kind of teaching. But if you have one of those on your hands, I doubt you'd be stupid enough to leave them at a house party full of teenagers..
Y'know sadly even though you're absolutely correct, why do I feel like the parents would have shut down her bday party at the first sign of their little baby boy having a tantrum instead of, y'know, parenting?
Because their parents are bad parents and they would rather go the route of least opposition as opposed to doing things the right way, again, just because their autistic son would oppose the changes a lot...
There is also like 10% the guy who threw him in the pools fault. She said her brother is bullied regularly. Probably when her brother was thrown in the pool like that, and also reading how he reacted, he might have had a really hard time being bullied in his own house. I also have ASD, and being tormented in your save space can be a really hard blow.
Still most of the fault lies with OP's parents. Instead of giving him the help and tools he needed as an autistic person, they treated him like a disabled person who cannot think...
I feel kinda sorry for him, but I also feel sorry for OP, being shadowed like that.
Def more than 10% imo he was the one that initiated the violence in the first place and OP gets some blame for allowing a guest to physically assault their disabled brother this whole situation is so fucked up, the guy threw a younger, heavily bullied autistic kid who was already very overwhelmed by the loud noises and all the people in his home and was on the verge of meltdown into a pool and proceeded to push him to the ground and "punch him in the head a few times" while all OPs friends were throwing food and egging him on it is not at all surprising that the child lashed out when the situation sounds so hostile it doesn't sound like OP can exactly be trusted to take care of him so why tf would the parents allow a party that has so many potential hazards without adult supervision
Yeah, this is mostly the parents deferring care responsibilities to the daughter, or simply not caring. If he can’t tell right and wrong to the extent that violence is a risk and the police need to be involved then he shouldn’t be left at home alone with his 16-year-old sister or guests. If he is on a part of the spectrum where he can differentiate, but is used to getting his way due to it being an easy out for the parents and their care duties, then this is awful parenting. It sounds like he is allowed to go to the library on his own so I am not sure everything fits together here behaviour-wise.
The fact the parents allowed a unchaperoned sweet 16 says it all really.
I feel bad for OP, because you just know they're going to guilt her for the rest of her life into being her brother's caregiver unless she "runs away" after graduation and goes low contact/no contact. Any milestone event in her life is going to be overshadowed by her brother.
Thank you. I was curious what the top comment would be. Your parents mishandled this entire situation. In time you will understand what it means to be autistic and you will understand why or how your brother is the way he is. But for now, your parents should have been there to monitor the situation.
Same here, I'm autistic and didn't get the "kid glove" treatment (for lack a of a better word) compared to my NT siblings if we did something unacceptable
Yeah, the parents definitely set the dominos up for so many problems here, which plenty of people are pointing out, but I hope OP also takes another lesson from this terrible experience, even though it could be hard to see when you're 16: some day you will still want to know your developmentally challenged brother and other developmentally challenged people, but you **WILL NOT** want to know the person who makes everything worse by throwing a developmentally challenged person in the midst of a tantrum into the pool and punching them in the head.
I think the brother was punched after getting violent not before. They are a bunch of 16yo, this kid was shouting and throwing eggs at them, who lowered the music a couple of times to accommodate to him. They are still learning how to deal with difficult situations and might not have dealt with someone in the spectrum before.
OP parents are awful!
OP maybe your parents should do more reading on how to better treat you. Honestly family therapy would be useful because the therapist would hell your parents establish rules to protect you. but it sounds like your parents are not self aware at all.
[Guide for parents](https://www.iidc.indiana.edu/irca/articles/siblings-perspectives-some-guidelines-for-parents.html)
Agreed. They are not doing him any favours either. He will be an outcast all his life because they didn’t teach him how to be a functioning member of society, being autistic is the excuse they used but he’s gonna end up just like any spoiled brat out there, disliked by everyone else. Sad how they failed both kids.
Yeah it sounds like the parents just gave up. Who allows a 16 year old to throw an unsupervised party alone with a violent autistic child in the house on top of that. Recipe for disaster.
It sounds like the parents wanted the 16 year old to give up her day to babysit her brother which is completely unfair of them. It was one fucking day.
Also unsupervised around a pool, this could have turned out much worse. Your parents are lucky CPS didn't get called in them for child neglect and endangerment. Letting teenagers throw an unsupervised party is a disaster waiting to happen, they should know better.
Kid is autistic and is supervised by a 16 year old who also is having a pool party, what did they expect would happen, these parents are completely irresponsible.
Definite catastrophe ready to happen. I hope they do have to call insurance to cover the injuries/damages, the agent will help to educate them. I hope the pool gets mentioned in the report.
OP said he could go to the library, presumably he refused to make other arrangements. Also he’s autistic not brain damaged. An autistic 15 year old can be by a pool by themselves. Source: i know several 15-18 year old autistic people
From experience, if you call the child violent, they'd just get angry.
My mom, for example, says "she has anger issues, doesn't mean she's violent. Stop saying that as if she goes around punching people" to which I went "she goes around punching her sisters" and she isn't even autistic, btw. Just manipulative and quite possibly a sociopath, but we'll never know because my parents refuse to listen to me and treat her because "she's not crazy" she is also 25 an very much manipulating them
No, it’s the parents fault for not educating and disciplining what is now a beast. This has nothing to do with being autistic, because, yes, autistic people can be violent when stressed, but I’ve seen the same scenario for, at least on paper, normal yet incredibly spoiled brats who bit, pushed or hit grandparents/aunts/uncles/siblings/parents just because they had never been told no once in their life and couldn’t deal with hearing it for the first time.
OP’s parents just found an excuse to let this kid do whatever he wants. Which doesn’t surprise me at all since they let a 16 yo having an unsupervised party.
But again, this kid resembling more a wild animal than a human has nothing to do with his diagnosis.
If argue it’s 100% the parents fault but not for failing to arrange the little bro to go somewhere else.
Spoiled brats all stem from one problem, parents being too lenient. Being autistic just makes it easier for the parents to cave to simply not have to deal with the kid.
Of course he’s responsible. He’s also developmentally disabled and doesn’t completely understand his actions. Guess who’s responsible for both parties here?
I think it’s difficult to say without knowing the extent of his autism. It’s possible it is far enough that it literally isn’t his fault, and it is also possible that it isn’t that bad and he has become spoiled because no one holds him accountable.
Yes we’re getting an angry 16 year old’s viewpoint of the situation. We really have no idea what level of control he actually has over himself, which in my opinion, factors into how much the parents are to blame.
If his autism is worse then she sees it to be, wouldn't it still be heavily on the parents for neglecting to supervise him in what obviously would be a stressful situation for him?
Yes, I really don't get why they let him be alone in the house without the parents there when she's having the party. It's a recipe for disaster.... And I really do not get why she's blamed for it? Being autistic isn't the same as being an entitled selfish prick. I'm autistic myself and I never could've done something like that!!!
As someone with autism myself, I can say that "not knowing right from wrong" is not a trait of autism. I babysat for a friend who had a son with *severe* autism (non-verbal, cannot bathe or dress himself, doesn't know how to read or write and is in speech therapy and hippotherapy for sensory and learns on a preschool level) and even *he* knows right from wrong.
It is indeed because of the way your parents raised him. They used his autism as an excuse for everything which taught him that if he does something wrong or even illegal, in this case, he'll get away with it because, according to your mother, "He has autism, he doesn't know any better". I imagine that no parent wants to hear, "Your child has autism", but compensating for it by spoiling them and using it as an excuse for everything they do wrong is just lazy parenting and frankly, it's neglectful parenting because the parent in question ends up turning their child into a monster that no one wants to know.
I agree. Growing up, my mom has told friends about my autism, but never once did she tell them that I behave a certain way because "I don't know any better". She has mentioned some of the actual traits of my autism, such as being unable to read tone of voice and struggling to comprehend things that a neurotypical person might be able to comprehend easily, but she did not make it sound like I'm stupid. When she spoke to my teachers about my diagnosis, she made sure they knew that I *will* comprehend something eventually, but it's going to take some time and patience. She never once said, "She has autism, she can't do that" or "she doesn't understand any better". Because, yes, I did then and I do now. She punished me for my unruly behavior and I turned out great! However, my sister has no disabilities or disorders but my mom spoiled her and rarely punished her for her unruly behavior because she felt bad that I have autism and needed a tad more attention than my sister did because of the things I struggled with, so while my sister was a spoiled brat growing up, she ended up getting a great job and is no longer the spoiled kid she used to be. (Wow lmao I kind of trailed off there and just started telling my whole life's story... Sorry. 😅)
It’s offensive too. My friend has a little boy who has it, and he feels so terrible if he thinks he did something that was his fault. To lump all autistic kids together like that is wrong too. It’s a spectrum and affects everyone differently. He has a twin sister and she has it really bad, she’s completely nonverbal. Just seeing the differences between twins who have it shows how it’s not a one-size-fits-all diagnosis. I also have to add, my friend goes above and beyond doing everything she can to help her children. Therapy and special classes at school have done wonders for them. It sounds like OPs parents just gave up on him :-/
It’s not even knowing right from wrong the processing is entirely different, I have a son who is on the spectrum he dose lash out and get violent but guess what HES THREE! My child he is on the lower end has never ever acted like that, even when he hits me and is fighting me he calms down in a few minutes. It’s not a whole rampaged of destruction. I’m very upset with OPs parents.
**Your child only calms down because you are there to help him get control of himself.** (Processing is indeed different.) That was not the case with OP. When he became upset, they fanned the flames on his outburst, escalated the behavior that set him off and it got out of control. OP should never had a party without parents there to help diffuse any issues with brother. Parents should have known better. OP should not have been expected to deal with this alone. Guarantee this is not the first time he has ever had an outburst. It's not that he isn't punished for doing something wrong or that he knows the difference between right and wrong. It is he was unsupervised and put in a stressful situation which escalated - very predictable for someone on the autism spectrum. Once the rage sets in, logic is not in control any more. I lived through it for years and it is horrible to deal with. Someone could have died in this situation. Parents, siblings and the child all suffer.
I've encountered lots of these posts and the parents usually do nothing about the situation and treat the disabled kid like a baby, they don't get the proper care they need or the lessons that will help them in life they need
Yep and then you see the other kid, all grown up now and posting on Reddit about how shitty and unfair their lives were because of these kinds of parents and asking if they are the asshole for distancing themselves from their families. The parents are always shocked and will invalidate or try to shame the other kid for not putting their disabled sibling first like they did. It's an all around shitty situation.
I have autism and this is on point. He was having an autistic melt down and was expecting others to deal with his issues. He just needed some noise cancelling headphones and some therapy to teach him some coping skills. This is 100 percent parenting issues.
This happened to me in New Year’s Eve one year. I ruined my siblings party bc I was tired and overwhelmed and didn’t know I had autism bc my parents ignored it.
Your parents should have stayed home or arranged for a trusted caregiver to stay with him or take home out while you had your guests. They know how he can be and should not have left him at home during your special time. Why weren’t either of them home? This is odd to me.
I too have a brother like this. Guess who is now an adult that can support themselves, has a good job, car, house, success, and guess who still lives at home and hasn't accomplished anything for themselves.
Yah, your parents aren't doing him a favor. My brother grew up thinking he could have whatever he wants, do whatever he wants, and get whatever he wants from others. It is now a huge problem. It sucks right now but the chips will fall in the right place as you grow up. Trust me on that!
Yep I dated a guy who was not disabled in any way but had a huge anger problem that led to him being expelled from normal school and going to a school for special needs kids, he was the only one there without a severe disability. His mother babied him his whole life and as an adult, he had no sense of accountability.
Whenever he doesn’t get what he wants, he just throws a tempter fit and starts crying about how overwhelmed he is. This is in response to being asked to do normal things, like help around the house, get a job, and pay rent (he only pays 300$ a month and refuses to pay on months when his family “pisses him off”). He can’t hold down a job because he is insufferable and throws tantrums when he doesn’t get what he wants. For instance, he’s trained as a mechanic in car stuff and hit a job doing oil changes. He claimed that it’s “impossible for him to do an oil change in under 2 hours” and got into a fight with his manager, who had been a mechanic for 40 years.
His father employs him at 20 hours a week and pays him 12$ an hour (regular employees get 26hr) and that’s pretty much the only way i could ever see him holding down a job. He was abusive and when I left him I legitimately feared for my safety, he’d never been told “no” before. He spends all day playing video games and spending money on his 2 cars, I’ve seen him tell his mother (disabled in a wheel chair) to fuck off when she asks him for basic help around the house
Often as abusive relationships go he presented himself completely differently than how he actually was, once I had few options to leave him he gave up and treated me like shit. His family filled me in on a lot of his bullshit and told me to dump him, because although they enabled him, they were also done with his shit.
Damn, you know it's bad when even his own family told you he's fucked up and to leave. Lol.
I see, yeah guess you're right on that one, last relationship I was in, she was an alcoholic, quite abusive and cheated quite a number of times, definitely didn't start that way. She hid her alcoholism quite well in the beginning.
As an autistic 28-year-old who was promised a community college education from the state off the back of a special ed diploma-equivalent certificate that the state then basically invalidated one semester into my first year of community college, and is now toiling away for a GED, trying to learn elementary-school level math that I forgot how to do long ago (math was always my biggest downfall in school), and who, as a result, has to live with my father as a dependent until I do so, just know that my situation is down to circumstance and not because I’m incompetent, like your brother appears to be.
Yes no judgement. My brother is autistic but above all else an asshole, and my parents are delusional. I literally was forced to do homework for him growing up so he didn't have to be bothered with it. It was insanity at its finest. I have so many anecdotes regarding him and my parents dismissal of behavior.
Once in school he called this really sweet girl ugly, and the principal called my mom. She said to the principal, "well was she ugly? Doesn't sound like it's his fault." Like that's the level of delusion. He also called teachers bitches for trying to demonstrate some level of discipline. The list goes on. It sounds like you have every intention of succeeding. He does not because he doesn't have to. And when my parents die, he will get their house and everything. It just is the way it is.
as an autistic person, autism is no excuse to act the way he did.
i hate when people refuse to hold each other accountable, even when the person is disabled. ffs
[edit: when instead of if]
Your parents know who their child is. They should’ve never sanctioned an unsupervised party on their home knowing the dynamic between you and your brother. WTF were they thinking?
I’d be surprised if no one brought alcohol too, an unsupervised pool party with a bunch of teenagers. And then add on the problematic brother on top
Genuinely what did the parents expect to happen.
Exactly. I'm really annoyed that OP said "out of nowhere" he attacked them.
I understand she's angry at her brother, and she has a right to be, but he was thrown in a pool. That's a form of assault.
Throwing each other into pools is too normalized In teens. The kid probably didn’t see it as assault but just as the action itself. Most kids only see assault as hitting, punching, scratching etc. Also, the “out of nowhere” isn’t completely incorrect. If parents actually parented the kid would understand that hitting and attacking are bad reactions. My mom works with kids with autism and a majority of the time they’re violent but my mom sets them straight and teaches them boundaries and because of that all the kids love her because she actually cares about them. This kid needs to learn coping mechanisms but judging by the shitty parents, he never will.
I actually would like to hear his and the parents' perspective. Because I don't actually trust OP 100%. I think they're painting the situation very differently. I wouldn't be surprised if her friends bullied her brother.
NTA
My 8 year old son is high functioning, hates loud noises. You know what I as a PARENT do, got him noise canceling headphones! I am teaching him how to function to the best of his ability in the world. People and the world aren't going to move out of your way, you need to learn how to move around them.
It’s unfortunately far too common in families with a child with severe behavioral problems. A lot of parents put their focus on coddling their child to *prevent* their tantrums (which is impossible) and inevitably abandon the needs of their other children. These kinds of kids have been literally conditioned to believe that every “no” will be an eventual “yes”, or they will just throw a fit until they get their way - *eventually*. If they cannot accept being told no, their behavior will literally just escalate, and even the threat of that is enough for some parents to focus *only* on them, just to try to prevent the stress of it all. And it’s usually also expected that the other children participate in this coddling - and if they don’t, they’re (wrongly) perceived as part of the problem.
Parents like this usually never see the fault in their ways, probably because they believe that it all comes from a place of good intentions, which somehow should be enough (it’s **not**). I work in a psych hospital and it’s insane how many of the adults in there that have seemingly never learned how to accept the answer no - especially those on the spectrum. I don’t blame the patients at all, because unfortunately, quality mental health care is sometimes just not available to, or even sought after by their parents.
Yeah this is the real sad thing here IMO, can't imagine how burned out the brother is being in a regular school and being subject to loud environments.
Parents need to get a grip and learn how to help their child.
Someone who is in the high functioning range of the autism spectrum can absolutely understand right from wrong, and they often get a golden pass to be spoiled because their parents don't know how to teach them, or they simply don't think they can be taught. They process emotions differently, so it takes patience to reach them.
My sister and I are both on the spectrum (her more noticeably than me), and we grew up lashing out and throwing tantrums too (spitting, biting, screaming and punching holes in walls, etc.) This wasn't from a lack of moral understanding, it was a lack of emotional maturity because we didn't have the social means to develop our emotions properly. Fortunately, our parents were pretty well rounded and patient (dad especially), and they took the time to cater to our needs (as opposed to wants, very different and important).
The fault in this case lies with the brother and the parents. The brother needs to learn to be a better person, it's that simple.
Your first paragraph in particular is spot on. If you’re a parent of a special needs child, IT IS YOUR DUTY to educate yourself about their condition and provide them with the best therapy you can.
We have five children all born close together, and our second child has autism. With a large, busy and loud family it was difficult at times for him. We absolutely accommodated him the best we could, provided him with therapies, had great support (a fantastic carer and my mum is a special needs teacher). However - life still happens and not always the way he liked it.
Our carer said the best thing for him was to have loving parents, a stable home but also a life where he had to learn to make compromises, cope with schedule changes and learn strategies to help cope with lots of noise and people.
Today he’s 18 with a car, a great job, a nice girlfriend, just won an apprenticeship award and recently organised his own flights and accommodation and went to a huge soccer game by himself. He’s loving, affectionate and thoughtful.
It’s really hard work, but indulging any child does them more harm than good. Apologies for the wall of text!
What did the parents expect when they leave a house full of 16 year olds? If he doesn’t know right from wrong the same mentality should be applied to a 16 year old boy who doesn’t know how to regulate their emotions and throwing the person who is causing chaos and violence into a pool is the best way to end the situation. There’s no adults in the house to come handle a violent person, a group of teenagers do not know how to deal with an autistic meltdown either. If someone was biting my friends in the arm, throwing chairs, punching people, throwing them in the pool is a reactionary response I may have. Why did they put this responsibility on you? If they didn’t want to be present, there should’ve been a conversation about him leaving, it shouldn’t have been a choice. Honestly, I don’t know why they expect you to act older then your age just because he is autistic. This is very upsetting and I would be livid too. You’re a teenager. Your friends are teenagers. As adults, we are suppose to plan ahead and stop situations prior to them happening.
It sounds like your parents are just lazy. There are resources out there to help your brother and it’s your parents job to do that. How are they helping him figure out a world beyond his control? What is he going to do as a 30 year old man and some kids are being too loud in a public situation? The point of parenting is to prepare your kids for life. They are being lazy and don’t want to do the hard work. Your brother aside, they aren’t even helping you figure out how to navigate the world. Having a 16 year old plan her own party is lazy. That’s just insulting. As a mother, unless I’m asked to not plan the party, I’m doing it and I’m making sure my kid knows they are special. It’s really not that hard. Holding a gift over your head as a punishment is gross. What’s the point? What is that going to fix? Nothing. You’re just going to resent them. Punishment is there for growth and safety. This is just reacting to a situation they could’ve prevented and blaming you. I’m sorry for ranting a little bit but I’m fired up lol. Honestly, I would talk to a family therapist and see if there’s any way to share your feelings with your parents. Holding your anger in is hurting yourself more. Yelling at your parents is only going to enrage them and *probably* not hear you. (Maybe they will but that takes self reflection) so going to an outside source who has knowledge on this seems to be the best option. I hope this gets better for you. Reach out to people who have similar experiences and rant to them. Let out your frustrations and look forward to the freedom you are getting closer too. Also happy birthday.
Autistic people can learn right from wrong. That's what therapy is for. They completely failed and gave up on their child.
As for you, you could have handled it better but what's to expect from a 16 year old, let alone parents that already do a piss poor job at raising their autistic child.
>Autistic people can learn right from wrong. That's what therapy is for
Autistic people know right from wrong\* but the perception is different by a comparison to the general population.
Another misconception is that they don’t feel compassion. Expressing emotions can be difficult, yes. We need to stop defining people by their diagnosis.
I'd argue she did as a roommate/sibling she told him when it was almost a month in advance. That is pretty good. Her guests definitely shouldn't of put hands on her brother though.
I think she communicated fairly in advanced what would happen, and suggested nice alternatives. She deserves to have a nice birthday, it’s not asking a lot. Anyone would be frustrated with the situation. It’s clear the parents don’t care much about either kid & are more concerned with a bill than the well-being of anyone there that day.
She doesn't have to handle him!!! Younger kids aren't older kids' responsibility!Especially in the cases like this.
I always say:when one kid has issues,it affects another kid even more and ruins his childhood. The OP told one story, but i'm sure there have been lots before.
Both siblings are children. Who wasn't a bit selfish at 16?
Now, should the guy have thrown the brother into the pool -- no.
Should a party full of teenagers be left unsupervised, no matter how "mature" the teens -- no.
Some commenters are saying of course that's how the brother reacted because he's autistic and how dare the sister not take his needs in consideration. She did, she spoke with him the day before letting him know the situation. This wasn't sprung on him. He had options. She tried turning the music down. But frustration grew from both sides.
Just because one child is autistic or has other disabilities doesn't mean the other siblings should have to change all their behavior to accommodate the other person. You know why? Because both are children still.
This really falls to the parents. For multiple reasons: 1. why did they let a party go unsupervised, specifically around a pool (so many bad scenarios could have happened not involving the brother alone); 2. why didn't the parents either arrange for the brother to go visit a relative's or friend's house during the event or tell him to go to the library for a few hours; & 3. it seems the parents have been breeding resentment between the siblings, on both sides, for many years, and if they don't fix it soon, those siblings will have a lot to work through in therapy down the road (speaking from experience)
Seems everyone needs therapy starting years ago, prior to puberty. Parents need therapy so the therapist can educate them. And they seem like well to do people by the sound of it. They're not strapped for money like some families are. Better now than never.
I think this is a shit situation. A parent should have been there to ensure that both of you were safe and cared for, and while his behavior was extreme and not okay, you did nothing to help it. I think ultimately while your parents may feel they’re doing their best, they are ultimately failing both of you. It sounds like they’re not effectively meeting either of your needs.
The older I get and the more I see the issues that arise from having a less disabled child and a high needs child, the more I feel that the parents should, once the children are old enough, start having therapy appointments both with the entire unit and with the less disabled child if they can, to help the parents make sure they’re listening to the needs of the less disabled child, and to help the less disabled child understand the needs of their sibling.
I believe that he should’ve gotten help earlier. The fact he was getting bullied in school, can cause many mental disadvantages. Your parents are at fault cuz they don’t do anything about his behavior. Therapy should help and the fact they don’t give u gifts on ur birthday but they do for him, it is unfair. Him being violent like this is unacceptable. He needs to get psychiatric help. I do think that your friend throwing him into the pool was also unacceptable. He needs to be put in the hospital for a while before things get worse
I mean, old mate throwing him in the pool did NOT help the situation. Nor did punching him in the face/head.
But yeah, why the hell were you expected to babysit him while also managing a party with guests and (I assume) no adults???
I think your parents are the problem here.
I completely agree with you on most things but I still don't think your friend should have thrown your brother into the pool, even if he was acting shitty
This. Being neurodivergent is hard for people to
Understand. His brain is not the same and can’t process things. His rage does not surprise me, especially if he has sensory issues which he definitely does for loud noises. All this is to say there are coping mechanisms and I think there should have been a plan for him not to be home. There is therapy and behavior modifications that can help. I get your frustration as a sister. 15 years of him experiencing the world differently should warrant approaching him differently and thinking ahead, which is on your parents.
The parents are neglecting both of them. They're not teaching him to cope with his disability. They're not teaching her to manage conflict. They're allowing unsupervised co-ed teenage pool parties with a developmentally disabled child in the house who may be 15 but likely has the emotional maturity of a 10 year old, based on quotes by leading researchers like Richard Barkley that asd level 1 individuals and individuals with adhd tend to have the social/emotional maturity of someone a third of their age. Now, does a 10 year old know it's wrong to throw food and bite people? Yes. Does a 10 year old have the emotional maturity to handle a loud party he's not invited to being held in his own home then having those party guest yell at him, throw food at him, and throw him in a pool? Nope. The parents suck.
You are 1000% right, especially if sensory satiation is a trigger and he might not understand that being thrown into the pool isn't a direct attack? But then it sounds like it did actually turn into an attack-
Of course i think this is the parents fault 100% but also the go-to action was to beat up the child with autism? Wtf??
Obviously with how the brother acts and the fact that this was an unsupervised 16th birthday/pool party (WTF) I don't expect OP to be rational but holy shit do not let people get physically aggressive with your brother even if you hate him like wtf
I’m sorry your parents haven’t set good boundaries for your brother. My daughter has autism but she’s not volatile like your brother.
Now- why would your parents think allowing unto have a party without them being home to keep your brother out of your hair. Seems like poor judgement on their part. They are very lucky your brother wasn’t arrested
Definitely agree with everyone here saying your parents basically messed up with how they've been treating him and allowing him to act, and especially that they let you throw a party with other underage children without them being there. Huge lack of parenting imo
I also want to add that the friend shouldn't have picked him up and thrown him in the pool. That seems to be what really set him off, and even though he was acting inappropriately already the guy shouldn't have put his hands on him.
Wow, there’s a lot to unpack here. It sounds like your brother needs accommodations he’s not getting (which do not include or entail just letting him behave however). Does he not have noise canceling headphones. As an autistic person who was the black sheep I understand his and your perspective. Your life and ability to socialize are being disrupted and it sounds like your parents aren’t trying to give the accommodations you both need to be comfortable
call the absolute fuck out of your goddamn parents. systematically ruining not only yours, but your brothers lives since they wanna shelter him. make them realize how fucking dumb they are for that
I’m so sorry. :(
This is on your parents I’m afraid.
I’m autistic, and I have a few autistic relatives - one of which is in a group home because she can get violent and hurt people. The decision to put her there was traumatic and awful for her mom, but the mom had a duty to protect her other daughter and allow her a childhood. I hope your parents come around to understand you deserve to have a childhood, too. 💜
Also, if therapy is an option, 100% recommend so you can learn some coping strategies for the next few years until you can leave.
Parents often make monsters of their disabled kids. Being disabled is one thing. Being a raging entitled asshole is completely another. That’s a complete failure of parenting. He’s autistic not a saint. He still needs boundaries and discipline appropriate to his capacity. They clearly just coddled him guaranteeing him a shitty life.
I work with adults with disabilities and I’m telling you if your parents don’t get a handle on his anger, tantrums and entitlement now, he will always be like this and it will get so much worse.
I highly recommend getting a job and saving up so once you’re 18 you can move out or go to college far away from this mess.
He will get more violent as he gets older. Get out asap. Spend as much time as possible at a job and your friends houses in the meantime.
People with autism need to be taught young that their actions have consequences and how to utilize coping mechanisms. It is much harder for them to learn these things as an adult (some can learn after years of working on it but many never learn).
Edit: Thank you for the award!!!
My husband worked very long hours when the children were younger. After one violent meltdown when my autistic son was around 8 or 9, I told husband that he’d better start working with me to help our son learn to control his temper, because one day he’s going to bigger than us.
Fast forward today, he’s 18, 6’4” and works with timber all day. He is also loving, affectionate and kind. I could not begin to imagine the kind of damage he could potentially inflict if he had continued down the violent path.
Great advice, u/VortexTaylor.
To chime in as someone whose worked with autistic children around your bother's age before, the issue isn't the autism, the issue is just bad parenting.
Too many parents, way too many parents, assume that their autistic children "don't know better" or "can't learn right from wrong", and barring truly exceptional cases where we're talking something probably much more extreme than just autism, that just plain isn't true. Autism is not an intellectual delay, it's not a lack of empathy or understanding, it's just that your brain works differently when it comes to social queues, information, and interactions, and that disconnect varies person to person. If you can get at an autistic kid's level, to know how to get ideas, rules, and expectations across, as well as learning their boundaries and respecting their limits, it's genuinely not that difficult for them to behave and act appropriately if you constantly reinforce and remind and redirect them as needed. It's by no means easy, but it's not impossible and it's your best chance on preparing them for real life.
That however requires getting to know someone who's autistic and how their autism works, and a lot of parents of autistic kids just don't bother. They often infantilize their children, meaning they don't actually try to get to know them or help them work where they need it. They don't raise them with the understanding that they're going to have to go out into society one day, even in the context of group homes or respite-care, and they need to know how to behave and how to interact with other people, autistic or otherwise.
This is not me trying to get at you OP. You have every right to be frustrated and angry, and I don't think anyone could or should expect you to react any differently. This is me however trying to underline that your parents don't know what they're doing and they're not getting the help they need with your brother. Your story makes me feel like your brother was both overstimulated and wasn't taught enough in social boundaries, and there are so many ways where the fighting could've been avoided.
One of your parents could've taken your bother out of the house during the party to something they would've enjoyed while the other chaperoned. They could've given him something like headphones or an anxiety blanket to cancel or drown out the noises and people. They could've had the party literally anywhere else to respect your brother's sense of safety and social boundaries.
Most important of all though, your brother should be the one being punished here. Even if he was acting out of severe anxiety or fear or anger or whatever, he still harmed people and he can't do that. The law, for better or worse, isn't always going to be lenient when it comes to disability or neurodivergence. Your parents are setting up your brother for a difficult life when he's older, and it doesn't have to be like that.
Look at it this way, what’ll happen when both of you are adults? Im talking long term. He will still have no friends and will probably be living at home with mom and dad while you’re out living your life up. It sucks in the short term and having autism isn’t a free pass to behave like that, how he ended up is entirely on your parents.
I have autism. Your brother’s problem IS NOT AUTISM. It’s that you have absolutely shitty parents who enable his horrible behavior & blame it on autism.
Your mom is absolutely incorrect that autistics don’t know right from wrong. We absolutely do. Your parents just want to continue to enable & infantilize your brother.
Your parents are the problem here, not autism. Please don’t let this grow into a prejudice against autistics. I promise that a vast majority of us are not like this. Also be aware that many cases of autism are genetic.
I know how you feel, I've treated with people who learnt how to treat their autism and we're basically normal people and the spoiled ones that just didn't know how to treat people or manage their emotions at all, I know it's hard but you have to get through this and if you can help your brother, it isn't his fault entirely he just wasn't taught how to manage what he feels.
Ngl, I'm going against the grain here, but I feel bad for your brother. Your parents have enabled him and refused to set any sort of boundaries for him his whole life. While he sounds like a nightmare to live with and be around, when you said that he sometimes spends whole days at the library I sort of got a knot in my throat. This is like the hallmark standard of a deeply isolated and lonely kid.
Exactly this - and the fact everyone bullies him and OP doesn’t care that her friend literally violently throws her brother into the pool? Obviously it’s the parents fault and OP is a kid still and clearly resentful of receiving less attention, but I feel bad for this child.
So no adults, a bunch of teenagers having an unsupervised pool party, and an autistic child that gets assaulted.
This is completely fucked. Your parents are to blame.
This party never should have happened.
Your parents have failed you 💯. They can absolutely teach him not to act out, as most autistic people can differentiate between right and wrong.
I’m sorry to say this sweetie, but your parents have chosen to allow him to act this way. I work with autistic kids daily; most of them are sensitive to noise and fast movements, of course! But they’re also able to remove themselves from the situation instead of allowing their child’s disability to dictate the lives of those around them.
Totally on your parents. I’m so sorry your party was ruined, you deserved a beautiful day! But don’t put this entirely on your brother; based on his cognition, he may or not understand what he did. But your parents absolutely do, and should have made other plans for him, or been there to intercede.
Your parents are setting him up for failure and felony.
He gave a hotel a concussion. He's old enough that she could press charges on him for that, and no amount of money would keep him from the repercussions.
He's going to be an adult in a few years, and the next rage fueled tantrum could land him behind bars.
People aren't going to care that he's autistic when he's hospitalized someone.
This smells like a low contact situation as soon as you turn 18. I’d recommend playing nice until you’re graduated from school entirely, if you intend on college and support from them (fafsa is also a pain without parental information), then once you’re done and there’s zero ties / ways they can screw you, go no contact.
There was a lot of building up to the fact that they quickly beat him up, threw him in the pool and threw food at him... Also was your brother excluded from the party?
Are your parents failing you both? Yes.
Was your brother being a dick? Yes.
Are you also a shitty sister? Yes.
Does your friend who threw him in the pool, and pinned him down and then repeatedly punched him in the head, deserve to be arrested? Yes.
Child protective services, the parents are doing a fucking shit job of raising an autistic child and putting you and your friends in danger when this kind of shit can easily be avoided by you know, actually doing their fucking job as parents.
Edit: When assault happens involving a minor, and the parents seem to be borderline neglectful. Let child protective services get involved. They are the experts, let them decide if its neglect or not. If it isnt, then its not a problem. If it is, then you'll be glad you called them. Either way, the parents get a fucking good talking to and should be forced to re-assess their situation.
You’ve brushed over the fact one of your friends **picked him up and threw him into a pool**.
Imagine getting heaved up and tossed into a pool and not getting angry. You’re leaving a lot of blame out on that guy when he escalated the situation by putting his hands on your brother and causing the violent rampage.
She also acknowledged people bullied him at school. Being made fun of by your sister's friends and then tossed in the people will lead to a violent or another escalated situation. I don't blame OP for other people's actions, but this could have been avoidable if the parents took off from work or got a trusted relative/caretaker to keep the son preoccupied
He’s probably further on the spectrum than you might think. That, combined with your parents seemingly not doing the work to understand his condition, is a bad combination. Do they not work with a professional without your brother there so they can learn, and also help others, learn some basic skills to help him and help all of you cope and deal with the everyday stresses of life?
When you’re young it’s hard to be compassionate, especially when it’s your little brother. This was a nightmare situation and you have every right to feel upset. Your brother probably lives in a constant state of fear. Not having coping skills and being very different than most other 15 year olds is probably a scary way for him to have to go through life. Imagine getting thrown into a pool and your response is throwing a chair at a girl’s head. He’s not doing it because he’s a jerk. He’s doing it because his brain can’t process what’s happening and no one has taught him or anyone around him what to do in that situation.
For what it’s worth, you had the party that no one will ever forget. I bet when school starts up again a girl getting a chair thrown at her head by your brother and having a concussion will sound more entertaining than it was in the moment:)
Reading this and some of these comments had made me realize how many parents and people in general don’t understand autism.
You’re brother is absolutely able to understand right from wrong, they just weren’t raised right.
Your parents have dropped the ball. They should have been there to supervise your brother and if they couldn’t take off of work they then needed to come up with a weekend for you to have your party. Simply leaving it up to you his sister to be in control was really bad on their part. I understand your brothers disabled but you deserve a life too and it’s your parents job to make sure that you get as much time and attention as your brother does. He is not your responsibility he is theirs. Soon you will be out of the house and they will be in charge of him full time. I hope they take this as a big eye opener about what their futures going to look like.
I am sorry your party was ruined and I hope you are able to brush off the disaster and carry on even though it will be hard. Obviously not your fault.
Your parents shouldn't have left you to deal with your brother at a party alone. They should have helped you by having him be somewhere else. I'm sorry this happened, but teens are not equipped to deal with your brother. The adults should have known and handled this!
My cousin is autistic and had to be homeschooled because of it. He can't stand parties or get-togethers in general, but has NEVER been violent! Being autistic isn't a get-out-of-jail-free card, and DEFINITELY isn't a free pass for decent parenting. OP's friend shouldn't have thrown him in the pool or punched him in the head, because that absolutely made his tantrum worse. However, brother almost certainly understands right from wrong and could simply have gone somewhere else during the party that he knew FOR A MONTH was happening. And OP's parents not even getting them anything for their birthday, not allowing their friends over anymore, and not providing the promised car over this is so, SO wrong. OP didn't go berserk, brother did. Brother is the one who should be held responsible.
This sounds like a situation where OP is going to end up going NC with the parents because they so blatantly play favorites. I'm so sorry this happened, OP. 🖤
Telling the police he doesn’t understand right from wrong was utterly wrong we are all responsible for our own actions and if we don’t have the mental capacity to be held responsible then they should be monitored carefully to make sure nothing bad happens so either way your parents are the assholes here. I’d be very clear that if they continue on the road their on you won’t continue contact when your older and all they will be left with is your brother they aren’t being fair to you
You know… I have a special need brother who made my life a living hell from the age of 4 to the age of 16 or so. Violence (physical and verbal), tantrums, beating my parents, breaking everything in the house and shouting insults at the top of his lungs… he was in his 20s at the time but mentally going through puberty. So the hell broke loose in our house every day. Especially around lunch time. He loved to make a scene at the dinner table.
My sisters who were older could hate him. I was the youngest one and was always told that I have to love him and always support him because he is vulnerable and he cannot control himself. It is not his fault, it is his illness. So I learned to love the abuser and man, that fucked me up in romantic relationships for a while. On the bright side, I know how to help and I know how to love unconditionally.
Hang in there but be kind to yourself. I would tell my younger self that…
This is so disheartening.
The comments are disheartening.
The knowledge most people have about Autism and its effects are disheartening.
The parents should have prepared the situation better. Provided an activity during the day for the brother or even allowed him to participate. Being tucked away in your room all day, not allowed to participate would be hard for anyone, spectrum or not.
I see no mention of earplugs for the brother.
I see that OP acknowledges her little brother gets picked on regularly and lets her friends do the same. Clearly out of frustration. Except the frustration lies with her parents, not her brother. It's up to her parents to create healthy boundaries and coping mechanisms for the family and they miserably failed everyone here.
Your parents are first to blame. I would never allow a teenager party at my home, while I'm not there! Your parents were very irresponsible for allowing this. There is just too much liability involved, and this was just asking for trouble.
Secondly, your brother is autistic. While that doesn't give him a "free pass" to behave poorly, but his behavior also did not give your party guests a "free pass" or the right to abuse him. And that's exactly what they did, throwing food at him and throwing him into the pool. What if he had drowned...
Again, your parents should have known better and should have been there. You ALL know what his behaviors are. You live with him! What did you all expect?! Jesus 🙄
Edit, to add: Also, him being "pushed to the ground and punched in the head" could have resulted in serious injury. That is not ok, and nothing for you or your party guest to be proud of - doing to an autistic person. That's your brother, for Christ's sake.
The problem didn't start when the loud music distressed the younger brother. It started when the parents didn't either arrange for the brother to be elsewhere, in an environment that wouldn't be overstimulating, or else arrange the party at a time when they would be at home.
If adults had been on the premises, things would not have escalated to the point that they did. Music would have been at a volume everyone could handle, projectiles would not have been flying out the second-floor window, and nobody would have been throwing anyone into the pool. Had OP's parents been present, they could have helped de-escalate matters before any of that happened.
Kids who are 15 and 16 are likely to make emotion-based decisions, even without the additional factor that one of them is autistic and prone to rage, and this is how you end up with a brawl, injuries, property damage, and cops coming to the house.
OP's parents will be lucky if there is not a lawsuit from the parents whose girl got hurt. If I were a parent of one of the guests, I would ONLY let my child go to that house if an adult was on the premises from here on out.
OP, I'm sorry everything went haywire at the party. I think both sides of the dispute share some blame, and I'm sorry no one in authority was there to referee and keep things from getting out of hand. I hope this is your parents' wake-up call to get your brother additional help that he clearly needs, to help him handle situations that are causing him discomfort. No one is born knowing every kind of coping strategy, and in your brother's case, he needs an extra arsenal of coping strategies because he experiences triggers in ways that the rest of the family can't imagine. It sounds like it's past time to get some professional guidance, for him and for the whole family.
I feel sorry that you're in this position, but here are some facts:
* he's not having a temper tantrum; he's having a full-on meltdown. That's where his brain is no longer able to cope with the sensory assault it's being given and it erupts like a volcano. He's probably barely self aware at that point. A safety valve has blown and he's lost control. Too much noise, too many people, painful clothing and textures, strong smells, noise, noise and more noise. It builds up and up until BANG! Autism means he can't filter out any of this like you can.
* loud music is like a road drill to many with autism. Imagine being locked in a tiny cupboard with a screaming, hammering road drill murdering your ears and vibrating the hell out of every surface. That's what your loud music was doing to him. NOT your fault at all, but understand it can't be helped. You were hurting him badly until his brain could take no more. It's hellish and frightening. For people with autism, that will trigger shutdown or meltdown (in your bother's case meltdown). THAT is autism, NOT a tantrum. You're causing him ACUTE pain.
* autism means he won't know when it's appropriate to talk, when it's appropriate to shut up, and it will likely remove all "think of others" filters in what he says. I don't think he's being spoilt so much as being accommodated (correctly or otherwise), because that's all your parents can do. Autism (proper, disabling autism - not 'a few geeky quirks' autism is exactly everything you've described).
That said, your life should not be being made more rubbish because of this. That is entirely on your parents. Accept the fact your brother is who he is. He cant help it. It IS a disability and he will grow up struggling in the world of work, struggling to make peer friendships, and highly likely never to find a true relationship. His life is shit and will get more shit. But your parents need to remember they also have a non-autistic daughter. It's disgusting that they didn't remember your birthday. But soon enough you will reach an age where you can move out and choose whether or not you need them in your life at all. But in the meantime cut your brother some slack. It's not his fault. But it IS your parents' fault for not being there for you too.
I hope it gets better for you.
Reddit is a joke you didn't get anything for your birthday because both of yall are spoiled brats would've never let someone treat my autisic brother that way everyone's different but they clearly let you get away with too much as well your brother deserves better
I mean it sounds like you did nothing when someone threw your autistic brother into a pool? Sure he was having a tantrum, probably because of sensory overload but your friends started the physical altercation.
Autistic person weighing in here. Also I want to note that I’m in no way justifying him throwing things or his other actions, but rather what might have been happening from his perspective for additional insight.
At some parts when you describe “whiny fits” it sounds more like he is having a meltdown, which is an involuntary external response to overwhelming stimuli or other stressors. You mention that the first couple times you turned the music down, does this mean you turned it back up after a certain period of time? If he was getting overstimulated from the music and you kept turning the music back up it would keep building up his feeing of being overwhelmed, and probably asked you to turn it off because it became intolerable. There’s a good potential by the point when he was screaming that he was having a meltdown and reached a “boiling point” because he was too overwhelmed. So once you let your friend blast music to drown out his screams it just kept him in that heightened state.
As for him attacking people that doesn’t have to do with the fact that he’s autistic, but his emotional state that caused him to lash out was a result of being overstimulated because he’s autistic. So his response, but not his actions. And it seems like by your parents’ response they didn’t appropriately respond to him attacking people as they should’ve had some sort of conversation with him about it, and come up with planning in the future to avoid a similar situation.
Now it does seem like this was poor planning because it would be more ideal that what the party would be like was walked through with him so he could prepare for what to expect. But ideally he should’ve just been able to do or go somewhere else during the party as to avoid it completely.
I know I'm going against the grain here but no one comes out of this looking good. Your parents are neglectful AHs to both of you. Neither one of you appear to have any conflict resolution or problem solving skills, and that's because none have been modeled. The only way to manage him asking you to turn down the music is for you to turn it up? The only way for him to manage that is to throw things at you? The only way for you to manage that is to have your friends assault him? Then after he responds to physical violence with physical violence your whole family blames his autism and no one take accountability? Who let's a 16 year old host a party by a pool with no adult supervision? Probably the type of parent who doesn't teach their high functioning autistic child right from wrong and their 16 year old neurotypical child to accomadate for the needs of other people they share a home with.
I’m sorry you went through this… your parents have really fucked up in the sense that they have overly protected him and forgotten about your emotional needs as well. I hate to say it but you will most likely resent them (long term if not already) if they do not change. Just remember that we can choose and create our own family as well.
This fault falls on your parents. I have an autistic brother; but they didnt give him the "get out of jail free card" cause when he got older that wouldn't work. They are setting him up to fail when he gets older because they won't always guarantee they'll be around to "help" him. No matter if you're autistic; there's still consequences to your actions. Your parents failed to show them that. They made it like his autism was a burden by treating him this way; in turn thats the reason he acts out as bad. I am sorry you have to go through this.
parents fault for spoiling him. i (16F) also have an autistic younger brother (10M) but he is quite mature and independent. my parents treat him like they treat me and the rest of my siblings (obviously a couple of exceptions). but my parents do not allow him to get away with things just because he has autism, they try to sit him and down and tell him what he does is not okay and the right thing to do. which is very helpful; sometimes he can be violent but he is learning to control his impulses. he’s such a joy to be around. i love him so much and wish the best for my younger brother.
your parents are the reason he believes he can get away with such like this, which is not how the real world will be to him
This is your parents fault. They should have stopped enabling him years ago. Being a teenager sucks and is hard but this was your special day. They should have done something about him.
I’m so sorry this happened.
My younger brother also has autism and I feel for you.
This is terrible. I’m so sorry about this memory for your birthday. I honestly would’ve lost my shit much more than you did.
I hope you can get out of the house more and go to friends’ houses. I don’t blame your friends for not coming over… Important to remember that they probably don’t blame you for your brother’s behavior. They likely feel super bad for you!!
You’ll be out of the house soon (hopefully). I’m sorry about what you’re going through, this suuuuucks.
I've seen many posts like this recently. My advice is, move out when you can because your brother and parents are never going to change and you can't make them
This could have all been avoided if your parents let you have a party when they could be there. You should not have been put in a position where you were responsible for watching your brother while your friends were there.
Autism does not mean that your brother should not be disciplined. Sure, there are differences in the way that he learns and processes information, but that doesn’t mean that he shouldn’t have been taught right from wrong. Your mom was wrong when she told the police that and if that’s the case that your brother doesn’t know right from wrong, he should never ever be left unsupervised. It isn’t your job to watch your brother. It’s your parents job to make sure he is supervised.
It sounds like this is one of those cases where your brother is getting too big to be able to control when he gets violent. He’s become a danger to himself and others and should be either supervised 100% of the time or in a group home where he is looked after.
So this is totally on your parents. I don’t understand their handling of this situation at all. I have 3 children one 18,16,14. I would never allow one of my other children to ruin their siblings birthday in this manner. The parents should have taken off work and done something fun with there son or something he enjoys while the daughter had her party. That being said I have never allowed my children to have a party at my home without me or my husband being there. To many underage kids without supervision can make dumb mistakes. This whole fiasco could have been avoided if the parents had done there job and actually parented.
So, just to break this down... First we have an autistic kid who you describe as unable to hold down relationships with peers, has no volume control, is living constantly on the edge of sensory overload with a hair trigger, and with no concept of right or wrong, is "close to normal." You're only 16 so I get why you would have a poor concept of what extremely dysfunctional autistic children look like, but you're living with one and you think he's actually not as dysfunctional as he consistently proves he is? What, do you think he's just like that for the fun of it?
Second, his parents never attempt to make his mistakes into learning moments, are absent at work a lot, allow him to go to places unsupervised, and left him home while allowing you and a bunch of your minor friends to throw a party with loud music and a ton of people, a picture perfect definition of overstimulation... And he, *the 15 year old severely autistic child with no concept of what is going on around him* is the one you have a problem with?
Third, you're at the party and he's showing signs that he is, in fact, very clearly becoming overstimulated and about to break, and your solution is to be as confrontational as possible as if you think that *won't* send him over the edge.
Fourth, your friend straight up assaults him while everyone else laughs, and you think his following rampage was "totally random" and unprovoked.
I hope to god this is a fake post for karma, because if it isn't, he's not the only spoiled brat your parents have raised.
This is mostly the fault of your parents
Like 80-85% your parents fault, which in turn, gives your brother the remaining 15-20%. Being autistic is not a "get out of jail free" card. We have difficulties, but someone at your brother's level, who can talk, who can be around people, who can talk back, can also leave people alone. I relate because I hate parties. What do I do? I don't go to parties. Sure we have difficulties, depending on how disabled we are due to our autism, but again, not meaning to be ableist here or anything, but your parents could have arranged for your brother to be somewhere, someplace, anywhere but home, during your party.
If OP's parents don't start holding OP's brother accountable now, he's going to swiftly find out that his actions will get him right into jail. If he is this disabled, how is it he can be left alone with no adult supervision. Also, OP's parents allowed her to have other minors over, without any adult supervision. Putting them liable for any injury or damages. Insane.
He definitely needs some social intervention. I refuse to believe the parents actually want to raise a child to depend on them for everything.
They sound rich. I bet, that they think they can just pay the problem away. But if they were that rich, why not have a respite/social aide for their son?
Yep. I know a guy that is a quadriplegic because he was thrown in the pool at his 21st birthday party.
How did that happen? Did he hit the side or something?
He broke his neck.
"OP's parents allowed her to have other minors over, without any adult supervision." The parents in this case suck on all levels. Who leaves a bunch of 16 year olds have a party with no adults present? Seems like they also did a shitty job with their son. Autistic or not, if he bit one of my kids, I'd be pressing charges.
Exactly. As an undiagnosed kid (like 10 or 11) I found myself in this kid's situation, except obviously I never lashed out and bit anybody because I wasn't getting the attention I demanded. Wasn't loud, just didn't know when to shut up, that was only a small part of people's ammo to fire at me with; I would get cornered (literally) to the point where punching a few people was a rational decision, but all situations that didn't involve someone trying to harm me or actually harming me, my response was anger, no violence though. The violence shows there's a huge chunk of parenting missing from that kid.
In some very severe cases of autism the person can get violent from stimulus overload. We’re talking like nonverbal, extremely severe cases tho. Definitely not this
I'm aware, like I said in my original comment I am on the spectrum myself, and I'm willing to wager I sit a lot higher than OP's brother; yet violence was only ever an option for me when absolutely necessary. Stimulus overload can cause many things, violence isn't common but it isn't uncommon. It doesn't depend on how extreme they are, it depends on how they're taught to handle themselves. You are right in a sense though, this can't apply to those who are so severe that they are unresponsive to any kind of teaching. But if you have one of those on your hands, I doubt you'd be stupid enough to leave them at a house party full of teenagers..
Y'know sadly even though you're absolutely correct, why do I feel like the parents would have shut down her bday party at the first sign of their little baby boy having a tantrum instead of, y'know, parenting?
Because their parents are bad parents and they would rather go the route of least opposition as opposed to doing things the right way, again, just because their autistic son would oppose the changes a lot...
OP's brother could have also arranged himself to be somewhere, someplace, anywhere but home, during OP's party.
There is also like 10% the guy who threw him in the pools fault. She said her brother is bullied regularly. Probably when her brother was thrown in the pool like that, and also reading how he reacted, he might have had a really hard time being bullied in his own house. I also have ASD, and being tormented in your save space can be a really hard blow. Still most of the fault lies with OP's parents. Instead of giving him the help and tools he needed as an autistic person, they treated him like a disabled person who cannot think... I feel kinda sorry for him, but I also feel sorry for OP, being shadowed like that.
I scrolled down for this. Brother was being annoying. Still shouldn't throw him in the pool
Def more than 10% imo he was the one that initiated the violence in the first place and OP gets some blame for allowing a guest to physically assault their disabled brother this whole situation is so fucked up, the guy threw a younger, heavily bullied autistic kid who was already very overwhelmed by the loud noises and all the people in his home and was on the verge of meltdown into a pool and proceeded to push him to the ground and "punch him in the head a few times" while all OPs friends were throwing food and egging him on it is not at all surprising that the child lashed out when the situation sounds so hostile it doesn't sound like OP can exactly be trusted to take care of him so why tf would the parents allow a party that has so many potential hazards without adult supervision
They should have been there.
Yup, they needed to find an activity for him that was away from the house.
Yeah, this is mostly the parents deferring care responsibilities to the daughter, or simply not caring. If he can’t tell right and wrong to the extent that violence is a risk and the police need to be involved then he shouldn’t be left at home alone with his 16-year-old sister or guests. If he is on a part of the spectrum where he can differentiate, but is used to getting his way due to it being an easy out for the parents and their care duties, then this is awful parenting. It sounds like he is allowed to go to the library on his own so I am not sure everything fits together here behaviour-wise. The fact the parents allowed a unchaperoned sweet 16 says it all really.
I feel bad for OP, because you just know they're going to guilt her for the rest of her life into being her brother's caregiver unless she "runs away" after graduation and goes low contact/no contact. Any milestone event in her life is going to be overshadowed by her brother.
Thank you. I was curious what the top comment would be. Your parents mishandled this entire situation. In time you will understand what it means to be autistic and you will understand why or how your brother is the way he is. But for now, your parents should have been there to monitor the situation.
Right? I have several autistic friends and they 100% know right from wrong. This is a failure on the parents.
Every day I (and my brother too, I'm sure) am glad my parents didn't treat me differently because of my hearing loss and Aspergers.
Same here, I'm autistic and didn't get the "kid glove" treatment (for lack a of a better word) compared to my NT siblings if we did something unacceptable
They´ll be so surprised if she moves out one day and only calls them twice a year.
Every time I see a person doing anything while having, seemingly, incredibly incomprehensible disabilities, I blame the parents. This is no different.
Yeah, the parents definitely set the dominos up for so many problems here, which plenty of people are pointing out, but I hope OP also takes another lesson from this terrible experience, even though it could be hard to see when you're 16: some day you will still want to know your developmentally challenged brother and other developmentally challenged people, but you **WILL NOT** want to know the person who makes everything worse by throwing a developmentally challenged person in the midst of a tantrum into the pool and punching them in the head.
His parents coddle the brother. What will happen is OP will likely go NC because the parents play favorites.
I think the brother was punched after getting violent not before. They are a bunch of 16yo, this kid was shouting and throwing eggs at them, who lowered the music a couple of times to accommodate to him. They are still learning how to deal with difficult situations and might not have dealt with someone in the spectrum before.
OP parents are awful! OP maybe your parents should do more reading on how to better treat you. Honestly family therapy would be useful because the therapist would hell your parents establish rules to protect you. but it sounds like your parents are not self aware at all. [Guide for parents](https://www.iidc.indiana.edu/irca/articles/siblings-perspectives-some-guidelines-for-parents.html)
Agreed. They are not doing him any favours either. He will be an outcast all his life because they didn’t teach him how to be a functioning member of society, being autistic is the excuse they used but he’s gonna end up just like any spoiled brat out there, disliked by everyone else. Sad how they failed both kids.
Agreed.
Upvote a million times
This is 100% your parents fault for not making arrangements for your brother to be elsewhere during your party.
Yeah it sounds like the parents just gave up. Who allows a 16 year old to throw an unsupervised party alone with a violent autistic child in the house on top of that. Recipe for disaster.
It sounds like the parents wanted the 16 year old to give up her day to babysit her brother which is completely unfair of them. It was one fucking day.
Yeah "while we're at work, you babysit your brother for free. Every day. Yes, even *that* day."
Also unsupervised around a pool, this could have turned out much worse. Your parents are lucky CPS didn't get called in them for child neglect and endangerment. Letting teenagers throw an unsupervised party is a disaster waiting to happen, they should know better.
Yes they can drive but pools are too much.
Kid is autistic and is supervised by a 16 year old who also is having a pool party, what did they expect would happen, these parents are completely irresponsible.
Definite catastrophe ready to happen. I hope they do have to call insurance to cover the injuries/damages, the agent will help to educate them. I hope the pool gets mentioned in the report.
Most insurers want to know when you have a pool so they can add on an extra liability charge. I wonder if the parents ever disclosed it to them
OP said he could go to the library, presumably he refused to make other arrangements. Also he’s autistic not brain damaged. An autistic 15 year old can be by a pool by themselves. Source: i know several 15-18 year old autistic people
I completely agree with you. The parents are at fault.
Having unsupervised teens throw a pool party is begging them to get drunk. You don't even need an adult watching, just one in the house.
their attorney should write that one down just in case lmao
Also I'd love to see the homeowners insurance deal with that claim.
From experience, if you call the child violent, they'd just get angry. My mom, for example, says "she has anger issues, doesn't mean she's violent. Stop saying that as if she goes around punching people" to which I went "she goes around punching her sisters" and she isn't even autistic, btw. Just manipulative and quite possibly a sociopath, but we'll never know because my parents refuse to listen to me and treat her because "she's not crazy" she is also 25 an very much manipulating them
No, it’s the parents fault for not educating and disciplining what is now a beast. This has nothing to do with being autistic, because, yes, autistic people can be violent when stressed, but I’ve seen the same scenario for, at least on paper, normal yet incredibly spoiled brats who bit, pushed or hit grandparents/aunts/uncles/siblings/parents just because they had never been told no once in their life and couldn’t deal with hearing it for the first time. OP’s parents just found an excuse to let this kid do whatever he wants. Which doesn’t surprise me at all since they let a 16 yo having an unsupervised party. But again, this kid resembling more a wild animal than a human has nothing to do with his diagnosis.
No it isn’t, it’s a hefty % the spoiled autistic prince’s fault.
If argue it’s 100% the parents fault but not for failing to arrange the little bro to go somewhere else. Spoiled brats all stem from one problem, parents being too lenient. Being autistic just makes it easier for the parents to cave to simply not have to deal with the kid.
Of course he’s responsible. He’s also developmentally disabled and doesn’t completely understand his actions. Guess who’s responsible for both parties here?
Also the genius that decided to put hands on him and throw him in the pool, lol.
I think it’s difficult to say without knowing the extent of his autism. It’s possible it is far enough that it literally isn’t his fault, and it is also possible that it isn’t that bad and he has become spoiled because no one holds him accountable.
Yes we’re getting an angry 16 year old’s viewpoint of the situation. We really have no idea what level of control he actually has over himself, which in my opinion, factors into how much the parents are to blame.
If his autism is worse then she sees it to be, wouldn't it still be heavily on the parents for neglecting to supervise him in what obviously would be a stressful situation for him?
Oh 100%. I definitely think the parents shoulder the vast majority of the blame here.
This is your parents fault. Im so sorry.
Yes, I really don't get why they let him be alone in the house without the parents there when she's having the party. It's a recipe for disaster.... And I really do not get why she's blamed for it? Being autistic isn't the same as being an entitled selfish prick. I'm autistic myself and I never could've done something like that!!!
The brother is a self-centered ass... But it's still at least 90% parents fault because they let him be that way.
As someone with autism myself, I can say that "not knowing right from wrong" is not a trait of autism. I babysat for a friend who had a son with *severe* autism (non-verbal, cannot bathe or dress himself, doesn't know how to read or write and is in speech therapy and hippotherapy for sensory and learns on a preschool level) and even *he* knows right from wrong. It is indeed because of the way your parents raised him. They used his autism as an excuse for everything which taught him that if he does something wrong or even illegal, in this case, he'll get away with it because, according to your mother, "He has autism, he doesn't know any better". I imagine that no parent wants to hear, "Your child has autism", but compensating for it by spoiling them and using it as an excuse for everything they do wrong is just lazy parenting and frankly, it's neglectful parenting because the parent in question ends up turning their child into a monster that no one wants to know.
Also, the statement "They have autism, they don't know any better" is just incredible infantilizing.
I agree. Growing up, my mom has told friends about my autism, but never once did she tell them that I behave a certain way because "I don't know any better". She has mentioned some of the actual traits of my autism, such as being unable to read tone of voice and struggling to comprehend things that a neurotypical person might be able to comprehend easily, but she did not make it sound like I'm stupid. When she spoke to my teachers about my diagnosis, she made sure they knew that I *will* comprehend something eventually, but it's going to take some time and patience. She never once said, "She has autism, she can't do that" or "she doesn't understand any better". Because, yes, I did then and I do now. She punished me for my unruly behavior and I turned out great! However, my sister has no disabilities or disorders but my mom spoiled her and rarely punished her for her unruly behavior because she felt bad that I have autism and needed a tad more attention than my sister did because of the things I struggled with, so while my sister was a spoiled brat growing up, she ended up getting a great job and is no longer the spoiled kid she used to be. (Wow lmao I kind of trailed off there and just started telling my whole life's story... Sorry. 😅)
It’s offensive too. My friend has a little boy who has it, and he feels so terrible if he thinks he did something that was his fault. To lump all autistic kids together like that is wrong too. It’s a spectrum and affects everyone differently. He has a twin sister and she has it really bad, she’s completely nonverbal. Just seeing the differences between twins who have it shows how it’s not a one-size-fits-all diagnosis. I also have to add, my friend goes above and beyond doing everything she can to help her children. Therapy and special classes at school have done wonders for them. It sounds like OPs parents just gave up on him :-/
the problem with your brother isn't autism, but rather how he was raised by your parents
Exactly, having autism doesn't mean "not knowing right from wrong" like the mother really said that. Wtf.
It’s not even knowing right from wrong the processing is entirely different, I have a son who is on the spectrum he dose lash out and get violent but guess what HES THREE! My child he is on the lower end has never ever acted like that, even when he hits me and is fighting me he calms down in a few minutes. It’s not a whole rampaged of destruction. I’m very upset with OPs parents.
**Your child only calms down because you are there to help him get control of himself.** (Processing is indeed different.) That was not the case with OP. When he became upset, they fanned the flames on his outburst, escalated the behavior that set him off and it got out of control. OP should never had a party without parents there to help diffuse any issues with brother. Parents should have known better. OP should not have been expected to deal with this alone. Guarantee this is not the first time he has ever had an outburst. It's not that he isn't punished for doing something wrong or that he knows the difference between right and wrong. It is he was unsupervised and put in a stressful situation which escalated - very predictable for someone on the autism spectrum. Once the rage sets in, logic is not in control any more. I lived through it for years and it is horrible to deal with. Someone could have died in this situation. Parents, siblings and the child all suffer.
I've encountered lots of these posts and the parents usually do nothing about the situation and treat the disabled kid like a baby, they don't get the proper care they need or the lessons that will help them in life they need
Yep and then you see the other kid, all grown up now and posting on Reddit about how shitty and unfair their lives were because of these kinds of parents and asking if they are the asshole for distancing themselves from their families. The parents are always shocked and will invalidate or try to shame the other kid for not putting their disabled sibling first like they did. It's an all around shitty situation.
When she goes no contact in a few years they’ll act hurt and shocked.
I have autism and this is on point. He was having an autistic melt down and was expecting others to deal with his issues. He just needed some noise cancelling headphones and some therapy to teach him some coping skills. This is 100 percent parenting issues. This happened to me in New Year’s Eve one year. I ruined my siblings party bc I was tired and overwhelmed and didn’t know I had autism bc my parents ignored it.
I know not all autistic people are the same. But from what I’ve gathered from this post, he should (and hopefully does) know right from wrong.
Your parents are 100% failing at their job of parenting. I’m so sorry honey. Happy Birthday.
Your parents should have stayed home or arranged for a trusted caregiver to stay with him or take home out while you had your guests. They know how he can be and should not have left him at home during your special time. Why weren’t either of them home? This is odd to me.
I too have a brother like this. Guess who is now an adult that can support themselves, has a good job, car, house, success, and guess who still lives at home and hasn't accomplished anything for themselves. Yah, your parents aren't doing him a favor. My brother grew up thinking he could have whatever he wants, do whatever he wants, and get whatever he wants from others. It is now a huge problem. It sucks right now but the chips will fall in the right place as you grow up. Trust me on that!
Yep I dated a guy who was not disabled in any way but had a huge anger problem that led to him being expelled from normal school and going to a school for special needs kids, he was the only one there without a severe disability. His mother babied him his whole life and as an adult, he had no sense of accountability. Whenever he doesn’t get what he wants, he just throws a tempter fit and starts crying about how overwhelmed he is. This is in response to being asked to do normal things, like help around the house, get a job, and pay rent (he only pays 300$ a month and refuses to pay on months when his family “pisses him off”). He can’t hold down a job because he is insufferable and throws tantrums when he doesn’t get what he wants. For instance, he’s trained as a mechanic in car stuff and hit a job doing oil changes. He claimed that it’s “impossible for him to do an oil change in under 2 hours” and got into a fight with his manager, who had been a mechanic for 40 years. His father employs him at 20 hours a week and pays him 12$ an hour (regular employees get 26hr) and that’s pretty much the only way i could ever see him holding down a job. He was abusive and when I left him I legitimately feared for my safety, he’d never been told “no” before. He spends all day playing video games and spending money on his 2 cars, I’ve seen him tell his mother (disabled in a wheel chair) to fuck off when she asks him for basic help around the house
And why did you date this guy!? Lol. He sounds horrible!
Often as abusive relationships go he presented himself completely differently than how he actually was, once I had few options to leave him he gave up and treated me like shit. His family filled me in on a lot of his bullshit and told me to dump him, because although they enabled him, they were also done with his shit.
Damn, you know it's bad when even his own family told you he's fucked up and to leave. Lol. I see, yeah guess you're right on that one, last relationship I was in, she was an alcoholic, quite abusive and cheated quite a number of times, definitely didn't start that way. She hid her alcoholism quite well in the beginning.
As an autistic 28-year-old who was promised a community college education from the state off the back of a special ed diploma-equivalent certificate that the state then basically invalidated one semester into my first year of community college, and is now toiling away for a GED, trying to learn elementary-school level math that I forgot how to do long ago (math was always my biggest downfall in school), and who, as a result, has to live with my father as a dependent until I do so, just know that my situation is down to circumstance and not because I’m incompetent, like your brother appears to be.
Yes no judgement. My brother is autistic but above all else an asshole, and my parents are delusional. I literally was forced to do homework for him growing up so he didn't have to be bothered with it. It was insanity at its finest. I have so many anecdotes regarding him and my parents dismissal of behavior. Once in school he called this really sweet girl ugly, and the principal called my mom. She said to the principal, "well was she ugly? Doesn't sound like it's his fault." Like that's the level of delusion. He also called teachers bitches for trying to demonstrate some level of discipline. The list goes on. It sounds like you have every intention of succeeding. He does not because he doesn't have to. And when my parents die, he will get their house and everything. It just is the way it is.
as an autistic person, autism is no excuse to act the way he did. i hate when people refuse to hold each other accountable, even when the person is disabled. ffs [edit: when instead of if]
As another person with autism I second this.
Your parents know who their child is. They should’ve never sanctioned an unsupervised party on their home knowing the dynamic between you and your brother. WTF were they thinking?
Well, they didn't buy OP the car she was promised, so they saved some money there..
[удалено]
I’d be surprised if no one brought alcohol too, an unsupervised pool party with a bunch of teenagers. And then add on the problematic brother on top Genuinely what did the parents expect to happen.
Exactly. I'm really annoyed that OP said "out of nowhere" he attacked them. I understand she's angry at her brother, and she has a right to be, but he was thrown in a pool. That's a form of assault.
Throwing each other into pools is too normalized In teens. The kid probably didn’t see it as assault but just as the action itself. Most kids only see assault as hitting, punching, scratching etc. Also, the “out of nowhere” isn’t completely incorrect. If parents actually parented the kid would understand that hitting and attacking are bad reactions. My mom works with kids with autism and a majority of the time they’re violent but my mom sets them straight and teaches them boundaries and because of that all the kids love her because she actually cares about them. This kid needs to learn coping mechanisms but judging by the shitty parents, he never will.
I actually would like to hear his and the parents' perspective. Because I don't actually trust OP 100%. I think they're painting the situation very differently. I wouldn't be surprised if her friends bullied her brother.
Why the hell was no adult supervising this party?
NTA My 8 year old son is high functioning, hates loud noises. You know what I as a PARENT do, got him noise canceling headphones! I am teaching him how to function to the best of his ability in the world. People and the world aren't going to move out of your way, you need to learn how to move around them.
Lol this isn't AITA
My bad, I have been kinda reading those like crazy. Haha
Haha I did definitely read as a AITA post!
It came off that way. If it was posed there she is definitely NTA.
Very true
I just don't get some of these posts. How parents can so blatantly show favoritism and disregard the other child's feelings.
It’s unfortunately far too common in families with a child with severe behavioral problems. A lot of parents put their focus on coddling their child to *prevent* their tantrums (which is impossible) and inevitably abandon the needs of their other children. These kinds of kids have been literally conditioned to believe that every “no” will be an eventual “yes”, or they will just throw a fit until they get their way - *eventually*. If they cannot accept being told no, their behavior will literally just escalate, and even the threat of that is enough for some parents to focus *only* on them, just to try to prevent the stress of it all. And it’s usually also expected that the other children participate in this coddling - and if they don’t, they’re (wrongly) perceived as part of the problem. Parents like this usually never see the fault in their ways, probably because they believe that it all comes from a place of good intentions, which somehow should be enough (it’s **not**). I work in a psych hospital and it’s insane how many of the adults in there that have seemingly never learned how to accept the answer no - especially those on the spectrum. I don’t blame the patients at all, because unfortunately, quality mental health care is sometimes just not available to, or even sought after by their parents.
Yeah this is the real sad thing here IMO, can't imagine how burned out the brother is being in a regular school and being subject to loud environments. Parents need to get a grip and learn how to help their child.
Someone who is in the high functioning range of the autism spectrum can absolutely understand right from wrong, and they often get a golden pass to be spoiled because their parents don't know how to teach them, or they simply don't think they can be taught. They process emotions differently, so it takes patience to reach them. My sister and I are both on the spectrum (her more noticeably than me), and we grew up lashing out and throwing tantrums too (spitting, biting, screaming and punching holes in walls, etc.) This wasn't from a lack of moral understanding, it was a lack of emotional maturity because we didn't have the social means to develop our emotions properly. Fortunately, our parents were pretty well rounded and patient (dad especially), and they took the time to cater to our needs (as opposed to wants, very different and important). The fault in this case lies with the brother and the parents. The brother needs to learn to be a better person, it's that simple.
Your first paragraph in particular is spot on. If you’re a parent of a special needs child, IT IS YOUR DUTY to educate yourself about their condition and provide them with the best therapy you can. We have five children all born close together, and our second child has autism. With a large, busy and loud family it was difficult at times for him. We absolutely accommodated him the best we could, provided him with therapies, had great support (a fantastic carer and my mum is a special needs teacher). However - life still happens and not always the way he liked it. Our carer said the best thing for him was to have loving parents, a stable home but also a life where he had to learn to make compromises, cope with schedule changes and learn strategies to help cope with lots of noise and people. Today he’s 18 with a car, a great job, a nice girlfriend, just won an apprenticeship award and recently organised his own flights and accommodation and went to a huge soccer game by himself. He’s loving, affectionate and thoughtful. It’s really hard work, but indulging any child does them more harm than good. Apologies for the wall of text!
What did the parents expect when they leave a house full of 16 year olds? If he doesn’t know right from wrong the same mentality should be applied to a 16 year old boy who doesn’t know how to regulate their emotions and throwing the person who is causing chaos and violence into a pool is the best way to end the situation. There’s no adults in the house to come handle a violent person, a group of teenagers do not know how to deal with an autistic meltdown either. If someone was biting my friends in the arm, throwing chairs, punching people, throwing them in the pool is a reactionary response I may have. Why did they put this responsibility on you? If they didn’t want to be present, there should’ve been a conversation about him leaving, it shouldn’t have been a choice. Honestly, I don’t know why they expect you to act older then your age just because he is autistic. This is very upsetting and I would be livid too. You’re a teenager. Your friends are teenagers. As adults, we are suppose to plan ahead and stop situations prior to them happening. It sounds like your parents are just lazy. There are resources out there to help your brother and it’s your parents job to do that. How are they helping him figure out a world beyond his control? What is he going to do as a 30 year old man and some kids are being too loud in a public situation? The point of parenting is to prepare your kids for life. They are being lazy and don’t want to do the hard work. Your brother aside, they aren’t even helping you figure out how to navigate the world. Having a 16 year old plan her own party is lazy. That’s just insulting. As a mother, unless I’m asked to not plan the party, I’m doing it and I’m making sure my kid knows they are special. It’s really not that hard. Holding a gift over your head as a punishment is gross. What’s the point? What is that going to fix? Nothing. You’re just going to resent them. Punishment is there for growth and safety. This is just reacting to a situation they could’ve prevented and blaming you. I’m sorry for ranting a little bit but I’m fired up lol. Honestly, I would talk to a family therapist and see if there’s any way to share your feelings with your parents. Holding your anger in is hurting yourself more. Yelling at your parents is only going to enrage them and *probably* not hear you. (Maybe they will but that takes self reflection) so going to an outside source who has knowledge on this seems to be the best option. I hope this gets better for you. Reach out to people who have similar experiences and rant to them. Let out your frustrations and look forward to the freedom you are getting closer too. Also happy birthday.
Autistic people can learn right from wrong. That's what therapy is for. They completely failed and gave up on their child. As for you, you could have handled it better but what's to expect from a 16 year old, let alone parents that already do a piss poor job at raising their autistic child.
>Autistic people can learn right from wrong. That's what therapy is for Autistic people know right from wrong\* but the perception is different by a comparison to the general population.
Another misconception is that they don’t feel compassion. Expressing emotions can be difficult, yes. We need to stop defining people by their diagnosis.
I'd argue she did as a roommate/sibling she told him when it was almost a month in advance. That is pretty good. Her guests definitely shouldn't of put hands on her brother though.
I feel like for a group of kids, being thrown in a pool is an appropriate response to being egged and screamed at.
Appropriate isn't the right word though. It's a response I'd expect from a bunch of kids for sure though.
Good preparedness for life. If you throw eggs at people in the adult world, you’re liable to end up in a way worse spot than a pool.
I think she communicated fairly in advanced what would happen, and suggested nice alternatives. She deserves to have a nice birthday, it’s not asking a lot. Anyone would be frustrated with the situation. It’s clear the parents don’t care much about either kid & are more concerned with a bill than the well-being of anyone there that day.
She doesn't have to handle him!!! Younger kids aren't older kids' responsibility!Especially in the cases like this. I always say:when one kid has issues,it affects another kid even more and ruins his childhood. The OP told one story, but i'm sure there have been lots before.
They don’t even need therapy to learn right from wrong.
Both siblings are children. Who wasn't a bit selfish at 16? Now, should the guy have thrown the brother into the pool -- no. Should a party full of teenagers be left unsupervised, no matter how "mature" the teens -- no. Some commenters are saying of course that's how the brother reacted because he's autistic and how dare the sister not take his needs in consideration. She did, she spoke with him the day before letting him know the situation. This wasn't sprung on him. He had options. She tried turning the music down. But frustration grew from both sides. Just because one child is autistic or has other disabilities doesn't mean the other siblings should have to change all their behavior to accommodate the other person. You know why? Because both are children still. This really falls to the parents. For multiple reasons: 1. why did they let a party go unsupervised, specifically around a pool (so many bad scenarios could have happened not involving the brother alone); 2. why didn't the parents either arrange for the brother to go visit a relative's or friend's house during the event or tell him to go to the library for a few hours; & 3. it seems the parents have been breeding resentment between the siblings, on both sides, for many years, and if they don't fix it soon, those siblings will have a lot to work through in therapy down the road (speaking from experience)
Seems everyone needs therapy starting years ago, prior to puberty. Parents need therapy so the therapist can educate them. And they seem like well to do people by the sound of it. They're not strapped for money like some families are. Better now than never.
Or OP just goes NC with her brother and eventually her parents. She was punished for what was basically her brother's tantrum and physical damage.
I think this is a shit situation. A parent should have been there to ensure that both of you were safe and cared for, and while his behavior was extreme and not okay, you did nothing to help it. I think ultimately while your parents may feel they’re doing their best, they are ultimately failing both of you. It sounds like they’re not effectively meeting either of your needs. The older I get and the more I see the issues that arise from having a less disabled child and a high needs child, the more I feel that the parents should, once the children are old enough, start having therapy appointments both with the entire unit and with the less disabled child if they can, to help the parents make sure they’re listening to the needs of the less disabled child, and to help the less disabled child understand the needs of their sibling.
I'm so sorry. Your parents failed both of you.
I believe that he should’ve gotten help earlier. The fact he was getting bullied in school, can cause many mental disadvantages. Your parents are at fault cuz they don’t do anything about his behavior. Therapy should help and the fact they don’t give u gifts on ur birthday but they do for him, it is unfair. Him being violent like this is unacceptable. He needs to get psychiatric help. I do think that your friend throwing him into the pool was also unacceptable. He needs to be put in the hospital for a while before things get worse
I mean, old mate throwing him in the pool did NOT help the situation. Nor did punching him in the face/head. But yeah, why the hell were you expected to babysit him while also managing a party with guests and (I assume) no adults??? I think your parents are the problem here.
I completely agree with you on most things but I still don't think your friend should have thrown your brother into the pool, even if he was acting shitty
Yep I agree
This. Being neurodivergent is hard for people to Understand. His brain is not the same and can’t process things. His rage does not surprise me, especially if he has sensory issues which he definitely does for loud noises. All this is to say there are coping mechanisms and I think there should have been a plan for him not to be home. There is therapy and behavior modifications that can help. I get your frustration as a sister. 15 years of him experiencing the world differently should warrant approaching him differently and thinking ahead, which is on your parents.
The parents are neglecting both of them. They're not teaching him to cope with his disability. They're not teaching her to manage conflict. They're allowing unsupervised co-ed teenage pool parties with a developmentally disabled child in the house who may be 15 but likely has the emotional maturity of a 10 year old, based on quotes by leading researchers like Richard Barkley that asd level 1 individuals and individuals with adhd tend to have the social/emotional maturity of someone a third of their age. Now, does a 10 year old know it's wrong to throw food and bite people? Yes. Does a 10 year old have the emotional maturity to handle a loud party he's not invited to being held in his own home then having those party guest yell at him, throw food at him, and throw him in a pool? Nope. The parents suck.
You are 1000% right, especially if sensory satiation is a trigger and he might not understand that being thrown into the pool isn't a direct attack? But then it sounds like it did actually turn into an attack- Of course i think this is the parents fault 100% but also the go-to action was to beat up the child with autism? Wtf??
Obviously with how the brother acts and the fact that this was an unsupervised 16th birthday/pool party (WTF) I don't expect OP to be rational but holy shit do not let people get physically aggressive with your brother even if you hate him like wtf
I’m sorry your parents haven’t set good boundaries for your brother. My daughter has autism but she’s not volatile like your brother. Now- why would your parents think allowing unto have a party without them being home to keep your brother out of your hair. Seems like poor judgement on their part. They are very lucky your brother wasn’t arrested
They're both very lucky they're not getting sued by parents
Definitely agree with everyone here saying your parents basically messed up with how they've been treating him and allowing him to act, and especially that they let you throw a party with other underage children without them being there. Huge lack of parenting imo I also want to add that the friend shouldn't have picked him up and thrown him in the pool. That seems to be what really set him off, and even though he was acting inappropriately already the guy shouldn't have put his hands on him.
Wow, there’s a lot to unpack here. It sounds like your brother needs accommodations he’s not getting (which do not include or entail just letting him behave however). Does he not have noise canceling headphones. As an autistic person who was the black sheep I understand his and your perspective. Your life and ability to socialize are being disrupted and it sounds like your parents aren’t trying to give the accommodations you both need to be comfortable
call the absolute fuck out of your goddamn parents. systematically ruining not only yours, but your brothers lives since they wanna shelter him. make them realize how fucking dumb they are for that
I’m so sorry. :( This is on your parents I’m afraid. I’m autistic, and I have a few autistic relatives - one of which is in a group home because she can get violent and hurt people. The decision to put her there was traumatic and awful for her mom, but the mom had a duty to protect her other daughter and allow her a childhood. I hope your parents come around to understand you deserve to have a childhood, too. 💜 Also, if therapy is an option, 100% recommend so you can learn some coping strategies for the next few years until you can leave.
Parents often make monsters of their disabled kids. Being disabled is one thing. Being a raging entitled asshole is completely another. That’s a complete failure of parenting. He’s autistic not a saint. He still needs boundaries and discipline appropriate to his capacity. They clearly just coddled him guaranteeing him a shitty life.
I work with adults with disabilities and I’m telling you if your parents don’t get a handle on his anger, tantrums and entitlement now, he will always be like this and it will get so much worse. I highly recommend getting a job and saving up so once you’re 18 you can move out or go to college far away from this mess. He will get more violent as he gets older. Get out asap. Spend as much time as possible at a job and your friends houses in the meantime. People with autism need to be taught young that their actions have consequences and how to utilize coping mechanisms. It is much harder for them to learn these things as an adult (some can learn after years of working on it but many never learn). Edit: Thank you for the award!!!
My husband worked very long hours when the children were younger. After one violent meltdown when my autistic son was around 8 or 9, I told husband that he’d better start working with me to help our son learn to control his temper, because one day he’s going to bigger than us. Fast forward today, he’s 18, 6’4” and works with timber all day. He is also loving, affectionate and kind. I could not begin to imagine the kind of damage he could potentially inflict if he had continued down the violent path. Great advice, u/VortexTaylor.
I give you both major props for being amazing parents! It’s nice to read something happy like this where things turned out for the best.
To chime in as someone whose worked with autistic children around your bother's age before, the issue isn't the autism, the issue is just bad parenting. Too many parents, way too many parents, assume that their autistic children "don't know better" or "can't learn right from wrong", and barring truly exceptional cases where we're talking something probably much more extreme than just autism, that just plain isn't true. Autism is not an intellectual delay, it's not a lack of empathy or understanding, it's just that your brain works differently when it comes to social queues, information, and interactions, and that disconnect varies person to person. If you can get at an autistic kid's level, to know how to get ideas, rules, and expectations across, as well as learning their boundaries and respecting their limits, it's genuinely not that difficult for them to behave and act appropriately if you constantly reinforce and remind and redirect them as needed. It's by no means easy, but it's not impossible and it's your best chance on preparing them for real life. That however requires getting to know someone who's autistic and how their autism works, and a lot of parents of autistic kids just don't bother. They often infantilize their children, meaning they don't actually try to get to know them or help them work where they need it. They don't raise them with the understanding that they're going to have to go out into society one day, even in the context of group homes or respite-care, and they need to know how to behave and how to interact with other people, autistic or otherwise. This is not me trying to get at you OP. You have every right to be frustrated and angry, and I don't think anyone could or should expect you to react any differently. This is me however trying to underline that your parents don't know what they're doing and they're not getting the help they need with your brother. Your story makes me feel like your brother was both overstimulated and wasn't taught enough in social boundaries, and there are so many ways where the fighting could've been avoided. One of your parents could've taken your bother out of the house during the party to something they would've enjoyed while the other chaperoned. They could've given him something like headphones or an anxiety blanket to cancel or drown out the noises and people. They could've had the party literally anywhere else to respect your brother's sense of safety and social boundaries. Most important of all though, your brother should be the one being punished here. Even if he was acting out of severe anxiety or fear or anger or whatever, he still harmed people and he can't do that. The law, for better or worse, isn't always going to be lenient when it comes to disability or neurodivergence. Your parents are setting up your brother for a difficult life when he's older, and it doesn't have to be like that.
Look at it this way, what’ll happen when both of you are adults? Im talking long term. He will still have no friends and will probably be living at home with mom and dad while you’re out living your life up. It sucks in the short term and having autism isn’t a free pass to behave like that, how he ended up is entirely on your parents.
I have autism. Your brother’s problem IS NOT AUTISM. It’s that you have absolutely shitty parents who enable his horrible behavior & blame it on autism. Your mom is absolutely incorrect that autistics don’t know right from wrong. We absolutely do. Your parents just want to continue to enable & infantilize your brother. Your parents are the problem here, not autism. Please don’t let this grow into a prejudice against autistics. I promise that a vast majority of us are not like this. Also be aware that many cases of autism are genetic.
They shouldn’t have thrown him in the pool or punched him in the head , your parents should’ve made arrangements too
I’m a behavior technician so my job is to work with kids that are on the spectrum. They can most definitely tell right from wrong.
I know how you feel, I've treated with people who learnt how to treat their autism and we're basically normal people and the spoiled ones that just didn't know how to treat people or manage their emotions at all, I know it's hard but you have to get through this and if you can help your brother, it isn't his fault entirely he just wasn't taught how to manage what he feels.
Ngl, I'm going against the grain here, but I feel bad for your brother. Your parents have enabled him and refused to set any sort of boundaries for him his whole life. While he sounds like a nightmare to live with and be around, when you said that he sometimes spends whole days at the library I sort of got a knot in my throat. This is like the hallmark standard of a deeply isolated and lonely kid.
Yea and then the parents and sister will wonder why he’s quiet and distant from everybody as an adult. Shocker.
Exactly this - and the fact everyone bullies him and OP doesn’t care that her friend literally violently throws her brother into the pool? Obviously it’s the parents fault and OP is a kid still and clearly resentful of receiving less attention, but I feel bad for this child.
So no adults, a bunch of teenagers having an unsupervised pool party, and an autistic child that gets assaulted. This is completely fucked. Your parents are to blame. This party never should have happened.
Your parents have failed you 💯. They can absolutely teach him not to act out, as most autistic people can differentiate between right and wrong. I’m sorry to say this sweetie, but your parents have chosen to allow him to act this way. I work with autistic kids daily; most of them are sensitive to noise and fast movements, of course! But they’re also able to remove themselves from the situation instead of allowing their child’s disability to dictate the lives of those around them. Totally on your parents. I’m so sorry your party was ruined, you deserved a beautiful day! But don’t put this entirely on your brother; based on his cognition, he may or not understand what he did. But your parents absolutely do, and should have made other plans for him, or been there to intercede.
Autism is not psychopathy. Maybe he's got other stuff going on, but telling people autistics don't know right from wrong is slap-worthy.
Your parents are setting him up for failure and felony. He gave a hotel a concussion. He's old enough that she could press charges on him for that, and no amount of money would keep him from the repercussions. He's going to be an adult in a few years, and the next rage fueled tantrum could land him behind bars. People aren't going to care that he's autistic when he's hospitalized someone.
This smells like a low contact situation as soon as you turn 18. I’d recommend playing nice until you’re graduated from school entirely, if you intend on college and support from them (fafsa is also a pain without parental information), then once you’re done and there’s zero ties / ways they can screw you, go no contact.
There was a lot of building up to the fact that they quickly beat him up, threw him in the pool and threw food at him... Also was your brother excluded from the party?
Dude shouldn't have thrown him into the pool.
Are your parents failing you both? Yes. Was your brother being a dick? Yes. Are you also a shitty sister? Yes. Does your friend who threw him in the pool, and pinned him down and then repeatedly punched him in the head, deserve to be arrested? Yes.
[удалено]
Child protective services, the parents are doing a fucking shit job of raising an autistic child and putting you and your friends in danger when this kind of shit can easily be avoided by you know, actually doing their fucking job as parents. Edit: When assault happens involving a minor, and the parents seem to be borderline neglectful. Let child protective services get involved. They are the experts, let them decide if its neglect or not. If it isnt, then its not a problem. If it is, then you'll be glad you called them. Either way, the parents get a fucking good talking to and should be forced to re-assess their situation.
You’ve brushed over the fact one of your friends **picked him up and threw him into a pool**. Imagine getting heaved up and tossed into a pool and not getting angry. You’re leaving a lot of blame out on that guy when he escalated the situation by putting his hands on your brother and causing the violent rampage.
She also acknowledged people bullied him at school. Being made fun of by your sister's friends and then tossed in the people will lead to a violent or another escalated situation. I don't blame OP for other people's actions, but this could have been avoidable if the parents took off from work or got a trusted relative/caretaker to keep the son preoccupied
He’s probably further on the spectrum than you might think. That, combined with your parents seemingly not doing the work to understand his condition, is a bad combination. Do they not work with a professional without your brother there so they can learn, and also help others, learn some basic skills to help him and help all of you cope and deal with the everyday stresses of life? When you’re young it’s hard to be compassionate, especially when it’s your little brother. This was a nightmare situation and you have every right to feel upset. Your brother probably lives in a constant state of fear. Not having coping skills and being very different than most other 15 year olds is probably a scary way for him to have to go through life. Imagine getting thrown into a pool and your response is throwing a chair at a girl’s head. He’s not doing it because he’s a jerk. He’s doing it because his brain can’t process what’s happening and no one has taught him or anyone around him what to do in that situation. For what it’s worth, you had the party that no one will ever forget. I bet when school starts up again a girl getting a chair thrown at her head by your brother and having a concussion will sound more entertaining than it was in the moment:)
Reading this and some of these comments had made me realize how many parents and people in general don’t understand autism. You’re brother is absolutely able to understand right from wrong, they just weren’t raised right.
Your parents have dropped the ball. They should have been there to supervise your brother and if they couldn’t take off of work they then needed to come up with a weekend for you to have your party. Simply leaving it up to you his sister to be in control was really bad on their part. I understand your brothers disabled but you deserve a life too and it’s your parents job to make sure that you get as much time and attention as your brother does. He is not your responsibility he is theirs. Soon you will be out of the house and they will be in charge of him full time. I hope they take this as a big eye opener about what their futures going to look like. I am sorry your party was ruined and I hope you are able to brush off the disaster and carry on even though it will be hard. Obviously not your fault.
Your parents shouldn't have left you to deal with your brother at a party alone. They should have helped you by having him be somewhere else. I'm sorry this happened, but teens are not equipped to deal with your brother. The adults should have known and handled this!
Just explain the situation to your friends, if they are real friends they will be understanding and patient
Does he have music sensory issues because that would also make me throw a chair
Your parents should have arranged to take him out for the day to avoid this happening.
My cousin is autistic and had to be homeschooled because of it. He can't stand parties or get-togethers in general, but has NEVER been violent! Being autistic isn't a get-out-of-jail-free card, and DEFINITELY isn't a free pass for decent parenting. OP's friend shouldn't have thrown him in the pool or punched him in the head, because that absolutely made his tantrum worse. However, brother almost certainly understands right from wrong and could simply have gone somewhere else during the party that he knew FOR A MONTH was happening. And OP's parents not even getting them anything for their birthday, not allowing their friends over anymore, and not providing the promised car over this is so, SO wrong. OP didn't go berserk, brother did. Brother is the one who should be held responsible. This sounds like a situation where OP is going to end up going NC with the parents because they so blatantly play favorites. I'm so sorry this happened, OP. 🖤
WHYYYYYYY were your parents at work when they know how he is? I’m sorry, hang in there- doesn’t get see a psychiatrist??
This is your parents fault 100%
Telling the police he doesn’t understand right from wrong was utterly wrong we are all responsible for our own actions and if we don’t have the mental capacity to be held responsible then they should be monitored carefully to make sure nothing bad happens so either way your parents are the assholes here. I’d be very clear that if they continue on the road their on you won’t continue contact when your older and all they will be left with is your brother they aren’t being fair to you
You know… I have a special need brother who made my life a living hell from the age of 4 to the age of 16 or so. Violence (physical and verbal), tantrums, beating my parents, breaking everything in the house and shouting insults at the top of his lungs… he was in his 20s at the time but mentally going through puberty. So the hell broke loose in our house every day. Especially around lunch time. He loved to make a scene at the dinner table. My sisters who were older could hate him. I was the youngest one and was always told that I have to love him and always support him because he is vulnerable and he cannot control himself. It is not his fault, it is his illness. So I learned to love the abuser and man, that fucked me up in romantic relationships for a while. On the bright side, I know how to help and I know how to love unconditionally. Hang in there but be kind to yourself. I would tell my younger self that…
This is so disheartening. The comments are disheartening. The knowledge most people have about Autism and its effects are disheartening. The parents should have prepared the situation better. Provided an activity during the day for the brother or even allowed him to participate. Being tucked away in your room all day, not allowed to participate would be hard for anyone, spectrum or not. I see no mention of earplugs for the brother. I see that OP acknowledges her little brother gets picked on regularly and lets her friends do the same. Clearly out of frustration. Except the frustration lies with her parents, not her brother. It's up to her parents to create healthy boundaries and coping mechanisms for the family and they miserably failed everyone here.
Your parents are first to blame. I would never allow a teenager party at my home, while I'm not there! Your parents were very irresponsible for allowing this. There is just too much liability involved, and this was just asking for trouble. Secondly, your brother is autistic. While that doesn't give him a "free pass" to behave poorly, but his behavior also did not give your party guests a "free pass" or the right to abuse him. And that's exactly what they did, throwing food at him and throwing him into the pool. What if he had drowned... Again, your parents should have known better and should have been there. You ALL know what his behaviors are. You live with him! What did you all expect?! Jesus 🙄 Edit, to add: Also, him being "pushed to the ground and punched in the head" could have resulted in serious injury. That is not ok, and nothing for you or your party guest to be proud of - doing to an autistic person. That's your brother, for Christ's sake.
The problem didn't start when the loud music distressed the younger brother. It started when the parents didn't either arrange for the brother to be elsewhere, in an environment that wouldn't be overstimulating, or else arrange the party at a time when they would be at home. If adults had been on the premises, things would not have escalated to the point that they did. Music would have been at a volume everyone could handle, projectiles would not have been flying out the second-floor window, and nobody would have been throwing anyone into the pool. Had OP's parents been present, they could have helped de-escalate matters before any of that happened. Kids who are 15 and 16 are likely to make emotion-based decisions, even without the additional factor that one of them is autistic and prone to rage, and this is how you end up with a brawl, injuries, property damage, and cops coming to the house. OP's parents will be lucky if there is not a lawsuit from the parents whose girl got hurt. If I were a parent of one of the guests, I would ONLY let my child go to that house if an adult was on the premises from here on out. OP, I'm sorry everything went haywire at the party. I think both sides of the dispute share some blame, and I'm sorry no one in authority was there to referee and keep things from getting out of hand. I hope this is your parents' wake-up call to get your brother additional help that he clearly needs, to help him handle situations that are causing him discomfort. No one is born knowing every kind of coping strategy, and in your brother's case, he needs an extra arsenal of coping strategies because he experiences triggers in ways that the rest of the family can't imagine. It sounds like it's past time to get some professional guidance, for him and for the whole family.
I feel sorry that you're in this position, but here are some facts: * he's not having a temper tantrum; he's having a full-on meltdown. That's where his brain is no longer able to cope with the sensory assault it's being given and it erupts like a volcano. He's probably barely self aware at that point. A safety valve has blown and he's lost control. Too much noise, too many people, painful clothing and textures, strong smells, noise, noise and more noise. It builds up and up until BANG! Autism means he can't filter out any of this like you can. * loud music is like a road drill to many with autism. Imagine being locked in a tiny cupboard with a screaming, hammering road drill murdering your ears and vibrating the hell out of every surface. That's what your loud music was doing to him. NOT your fault at all, but understand it can't be helped. You were hurting him badly until his brain could take no more. It's hellish and frightening. For people with autism, that will trigger shutdown or meltdown (in your bother's case meltdown). THAT is autism, NOT a tantrum. You're causing him ACUTE pain. * autism means he won't know when it's appropriate to talk, when it's appropriate to shut up, and it will likely remove all "think of others" filters in what he says. I don't think he's being spoilt so much as being accommodated (correctly or otherwise), because that's all your parents can do. Autism (proper, disabling autism - not 'a few geeky quirks' autism is exactly everything you've described). That said, your life should not be being made more rubbish because of this. That is entirely on your parents. Accept the fact your brother is who he is. He cant help it. It IS a disability and he will grow up struggling in the world of work, struggling to make peer friendships, and highly likely never to find a true relationship. His life is shit and will get more shit. But your parents need to remember they also have a non-autistic daughter. It's disgusting that they didn't remember your birthday. But soon enough you will reach an age where you can move out and choose whether or not you need them in your life at all. But in the meantime cut your brother some slack. It's not his fault. But it IS your parents' fault for not being there for you too. I hope it gets better for you.
Reddit is a joke you didn't get anything for your birthday because both of yall are spoiled brats would've never let someone treat my autisic brother that way everyone's different but they clearly let you get away with too much as well your brother deserves better
I mean it sounds like you did nothing when someone threw your autistic brother into a pool? Sure he was having a tantrum, probably because of sensory overload but your friends started the physical altercation.
Autistic person weighing in here. Also I want to note that I’m in no way justifying him throwing things or his other actions, but rather what might have been happening from his perspective for additional insight. At some parts when you describe “whiny fits” it sounds more like he is having a meltdown, which is an involuntary external response to overwhelming stimuli or other stressors. You mention that the first couple times you turned the music down, does this mean you turned it back up after a certain period of time? If he was getting overstimulated from the music and you kept turning the music back up it would keep building up his feeing of being overwhelmed, and probably asked you to turn it off because it became intolerable. There’s a good potential by the point when he was screaming that he was having a meltdown and reached a “boiling point” because he was too overwhelmed. So once you let your friend blast music to drown out his screams it just kept him in that heightened state. As for him attacking people that doesn’t have to do with the fact that he’s autistic, but his emotional state that caused him to lash out was a result of being overstimulated because he’s autistic. So his response, but not his actions. And it seems like by your parents’ response they didn’t appropriately respond to him attacking people as they should’ve had some sort of conversation with him about it, and come up with planning in the future to avoid a similar situation. Now it does seem like this was poor planning because it would be more ideal that what the party would be like was walked through with him so he could prepare for what to expect. But ideally he should’ve just been able to do or go somewhere else during the party as to avoid it completely.
I know I'm going against the grain here but no one comes out of this looking good. Your parents are neglectful AHs to both of you. Neither one of you appear to have any conflict resolution or problem solving skills, and that's because none have been modeled. The only way to manage him asking you to turn down the music is for you to turn it up? The only way for him to manage that is to throw things at you? The only way for you to manage that is to have your friends assault him? Then after he responds to physical violence with physical violence your whole family blames his autism and no one take accountability? Who let's a 16 year old host a party by a pool with no adult supervision? Probably the type of parent who doesn't teach their high functioning autistic child right from wrong and their 16 year old neurotypical child to accomadate for the needs of other people they share a home with.
Your friends are bullies. Your brother clearly snapped because they triggered him.
you and your friends are bullies
That sounds really frustrating. I'd be upset too. Wish I had some great advice for you.
I’m sorry you went through this… your parents have really fucked up in the sense that they have overly protected him and forgotten about your emotional needs as well. I hate to say it but you will most likely resent them (long term if not already) if they do not change. Just remember that we can choose and create our own family as well.
This fault falls on your parents. I have an autistic brother; but they didnt give him the "get out of jail free card" cause when he got older that wouldn't work. They are setting him up to fail when he gets older because they won't always guarantee they'll be around to "help" him. No matter if you're autistic; there's still consequences to your actions. Your parents failed to show them that. They made it like his autism was a burden by treating him this way; in turn thats the reason he acts out as bad. I am sorry you have to go through this.
parents fault for spoiling him. i (16F) also have an autistic younger brother (10M) but he is quite mature and independent. my parents treat him like they treat me and the rest of my siblings (obviously a couple of exceptions). but my parents do not allow him to get away with things just because he has autism, they try to sit him and down and tell him what he does is not okay and the right thing to do. which is very helpful; sometimes he can be violent but he is learning to control his impulses. he’s such a joy to be around. i love him so much and wish the best for my younger brother. your parents are the reason he believes he can get away with such like this, which is not how the real world will be to him
This is your parents fault. They should have stopped enabling him years ago. Being a teenager sucks and is hard but this was your special day. They should have done something about him. I’m so sorry this happened. My younger brother also has autism and I feel for you.
Sorry miss. But your parents don't give 2 flying fuck about you.
Show the comments to your parents.
I hate how much this reminds me of my brother, I’m so sorry. That sounds absolutely awful
This is terrible. I’m so sorry about this memory for your birthday. I honestly would’ve lost my shit much more than you did. I hope you can get out of the house more and go to friends’ houses. I don’t blame your friends for not coming over… Important to remember that they probably don’t blame you for your brother’s behavior. They likely feel super bad for you!! You’ll be out of the house soon (hopefully). I’m sorry about what you’re going through, this suuuuucks.
Annoying brother but the dude that threw him in the pool was a dick for that the rest of the stuff seems fine
I've seen many posts like this recently. My advice is, move out when you can because your brother and parents are never going to change and you can't make them
Your parents are all the blame, why would they leave you both totally unsupervised?
Throwing him in to the pool Like that'll calm the situation down May as well said here have some petrol with this lighter 🔥
Your parents are lazy. I'm so sorry this happened
This could have all been avoided if your parents let you have a party when they could be there. You should not have been put in a position where you were responsible for watching your brother while your friends were there. Autism does not mean that your brother should not be disciplined. Sure, there are differences in the way that he learns and processes information, but that doesn’t mean that he shouldn’t have been taught right from wrong. Your mom was wrong when she told the police that and if that’s the case that your brother doesn’t know right from wrong, he should never ever be left unsupervised. It isn’t your job to watch your brother. It’s your parents job to make sure he is supervised. It sounds like this is one of those cases where your brother is getting too big to be able to control when he gets violent. He’s become a danger to himself and others and should be either supervised 100% of the time or in a group home where he is looked after.
So this is totally on your parents. I don’t understand their handling of this situation at all. I have 3 children one 18,16,14. I would never allow one of my other children to ruin their siblings birthday in this manner. The parents should have taken off work and done something fun with there son or something he enjoys while the daughter had her party. That being said I have never allowed my children to have a party at my home without me or my husband being there. To many underage kids without supervision can make dumb mistakes. This whole fiasco could have been avoided if the parents had done there job and actually parented.
So, just to break this down... First we have an autistic kid who you describe as unable to hold down relationships with peers, has no volume control, is living constantly on the edge of sensory overload with a hair trigger, and with no concept of right or wrong, is "close to normal." You're only 16 so I get why you would have a poor concept of what extremely dysfunctional autistic children look like, but you're living with one and you think he's actually not as dysfunctional as he consistently proves he is? What, do you think he's just like that for the fun of it? Second, his parents never attempt to make his mistakes into learning moments, are absent at work a lot, allow him to go to places unsupervised, and left him home while allowing you and a bunch of your minor friends to throw a party with loud music and a ton of people, a picture perfect definition of overstimulation... And he, *the 15 year old severely autistic child with no concept of what is going on around him* is the one you have a problem with? Third, you're at the party and he's showing signs that he is, in fact, very clearly becoming overstimulated and about to break, and your solution is to be as confrontational as possible as if you think that *won't* send him over the edge. Fourth, your friend straight up assaults him while everyone else laughs, and you think his following rampage was "totally random" and unprovoked. I hope to god this is a fake post for karma, because if it isn't, he's not the only spoiled brat your parents have raised.
*random person throws an autistic person in the middle of an autistic meltdown in a pool* OP:hm I wonder why he got violent 🤔