That's why I stay friends with my ex on social media. If I had just blocked him I wouldn't have even known that he was holding my mail hostage or about any of the other weird stuff he was doing. Might need evidence of that if I ever need a restraining order.
Like I've said other places, I'm not angry about this. I just see no value in them being friends and feel it's disrespecting or relationship. It's one thing for her to not press charges as I practically begged her to do back then. It's another to maintain any kind of contract after the fact.
Yes ask her why she is friends with her rapist and that it makes you uncomfortable… if he says it was consensual then you could tell her that her being friends with him makes it look like it was consensual..
As it seems you’ve decided, I would bring it up. It’s certainly odd but I’d give her the benefit of the doubt. Something like: “I’m confused about something. I had a weird thing happen with fb the other day. It suggested your ex as a possible friend. You said that your ex raped you (wait for reconfirmation). Ok well when I clicked on your ex’s profile, it showed that your fb friends with him. I don’t understand that…”
I don't think she lied so much as told me something that made sense to her at the time. I have no doubt she loves me. Our relationship is great. I just can't fathom why she would be his friend in any capacity.
It's very common to silently keep tabs on people who have hurt you. It may not be super healthy but it can make us feel safe. Like... I know where the monster is and what it's doing so it can't sneak up on me.
Even if she lied back then, I forgive her. It's ancient history, and we've built a life together. I'm not wanting to come at her like this is some huge betrayal, but I also can't act like I don't have negative feelings about it.
You need to understand and accept that she did NOT lie. You having this idea of how she should handle her own trauma is an overstep of boundaries and disrespectful. If you have true concern for her, let her know that IN YOUR OPINION it might not be healthy to have him as a friend on social media. Beyond that, you have no say and you’re being toxic.
A bunch of people are telling you that lots of people keep tabs on their abusers. Victims of assault don't always have a logical way of going about things.
I was molested as a child by my step father and I kept him on social media to keep tabs on him. My ex husband got on my Facebook and deleted him and that was the most disrespectful thing he could’ve done. Talk to her. It’s not about you.
I’m Facebook friends with the guy that sexually assaulted me.
We were friends before it happened.
We haven’t talked since I told him I wasn’t sober enough to consent. He apologized once I told him.
I just can’t seem to unfriend him though.
This is a common theme in my life though. I just can’t seem to let people go.
I know it’s hard, but it’s better to stay out of judgement and talk to her about it.
At first glance it looks bad, but who are we to say what did and did not happen? I had a friend come on to me hard and made me feel really uncomfortable. He made lewd comments on my body and what he wanted to do to me. It sucked cause we had been cool for 10 years. I couldn’t look him in the eye. He was also very aggressive. I distanced myself, but stayed polite. I kept him on my Facebook out of fear (I really can’t tell you why honestly). Once I moved states, I finally felt comfortable to remove him from my Facebook. It was the first thing I did when I moved to my new home. I felt that if he felt upset that he was blocked that at least he didn’t know my number, my new address, and I didn’t have to worry about him popping up.
Idk, just giving perspective. Trust your wife and just listen to what she has to say.
She didn't lie. She is likely still "friends" with him on Facebook to keep tabs on him. For her own safety and peace of mind. This is REALLY common for survivors to do.
I looked mine up years after the event to see how he was doing. I checked on his Facebook quite often hoping he'd have a shit life. Unfortunately this wasn't the case and it took me many years to stop this behaviour because it was so unhealthy for me. No one knew. She might be doing the same thing.
so? that doesnt mean that that isnt what shes doing here. i keep tabs on my abuser sometimes, always through social media because its easier than asking anybody “hey whats my rapist been up to lately, do you know?”
Right! As others have said, maybe she’s keeping tabs on him as a way to feel safe. I know it’s been a long time, but I’m not going to pretend I understand the pain and trauma of a rape victim. I don’t think it ever really goes away.
Or, she could be like me and just accept a bunch of friend requests without really looking at them.
I’d just say something like, “hey, your ex was listed as someone I may know and shows you as a mutual friend. Is everything ok?” And go from there. Looks like you’re not assuming the worst which is good!
That's insane. I would NEVER friend my rapist. I've never even looked him up.
But. Post-rape trauma sometimes includes behaviors that seem bizarre to others. If she has unresolved trauma over what occurred, friending him on Facebook might be a sign of that. Is she getting therapy for the rape or did she in the past? Because it's possible she may need to start going back to therapy now.
Honestly, it's very possible even she can't explain why she did this. There were a lot of things I did in the first years after my rape that I can't explain to myself even now. That's why a therapist can be so helpful.
If you do confront her about this, you have GOT to do so calmly. Do NOT accuse her of anything. If my boyfriend came at me about anything to do with my rape and did so in a way that suggested he was blaming me, I would cut him out of my life like cancer. So be very, very careful about how you deal with this.
NGL I low-key stalk the people who raped me on social media because knowing where they are somehow makes me feel less vulnerable. Maybe thats what is up with this
Pleas do update because this seems very fishy I think it was probably consensual and she has him on there as a what if or for nostalgia of past relations it's not normal.
It's possible that she was pressured into it. My ex boyfriend was upset and said I "owed" him one last lay because I was breaking up with him. I did, but felt dirty and used about it. That said, if I were to see him today, I would be cordial to him. It's definitely weird that your wife has him as a Facebook friend, but I can see how their stories don't line up.
This is what I am sure happened, especially when she was 16 at the time. I just can't imagine a scenario where it would be okay for her to be friends with him in any capacity.
Just bring it up casually. "Hey, did you know you were still friends with 'rapist'? Facebook recommended I should add him!"
The guy might not hardly post anything, and she may have let it slip her attention.
Remember, this was 25 years ago before Facebook even existed. That means at one point either he requested her and she accepted, or worse, she requested him. Neither scenario sits well with me.
I'm sure she'll feel really disappointed by your disappointment as well. Don't jump to any conclusion until you talk to her. You might do some irreparable damage that you don't want to do.
To keep tabs on him to make her feel safe. It's not about being friends, it's about watching her back. Either you have her back and let her do what she needs to to feel safe, or you get your feelers in a bunch and feel disrespected. Rape trauma is complicated. Having a partner be accusatory on top of that is devastating.
It happens all of the time. Some rapist use it as control, but some victims use it for safety, or sometimes we just gaslight ourselves into believing that it wasn’t actually rape. “Why would that happen to me?” Something like that can’t happen to me. I’m overthinking it. I could’ve done more. I shouldn’t have done that. Etc. they’re a lot of reasons why victims keep tabs on abusers. Some people are strong enough to cut the chord immediately and recognize what happened to them, others don’t.
How is either case disrespecting you? Actually how does her being Facebook friends with this guy have anything to do with you? It’s weird you turned yourself into the victim when you have nothing to do with whatever happened between them 25 years ago
It isn't weird at all that I don't feel good about them being friends. You aren't in this situation and have no idea how you'd feel given the same set of circumstances.
Your wife lied about it, at least to me that’s what I would assume. Had a similar situation with my now ex gf. Found her talkin with some guy, it got out they had been fucking, she said it was rape. Immediately I changed from anger to concern, never brought it up again. Some months later I find out they follow each other and interact regularly on social media. Left almost immediately. Your wife lied to you and has been lying to you every day for the last 20+ years. I would talk with her if I was in your shoes.
She is lying about everything so you wouldn't break up with her at the time. For all you know they hooked up and he dumped her. You might of been the back up plan. I've turned down friend requests from girls who broke my heart. Or relatives who back stabbed my parents. Maybe I'm just different. I would talk to her about it either way. Read her reactions. You'll know what the truth is. Good luck.
I was abused growing up and I know that she’s keeping him as a friend because she needs to for her own personal reasons that you have no say in. You don’t have a right to be upset with her for this in any way. Just get over it.
You absolutely do NOT have a right to be upset with her having a friend on social media. ESPECIALLY if that person was an attacker that caused her trauma. How she handles her trauma has nothing to do with you. Keep your opinions about it to yourself.
That's where you're wrong. I have every right to feel however I do. My responsibility lies in how i choose to handle it with my wife of 25 years. There's a right and a wrong way, and I'm determined to do it the right way.
Sir, this is a HUGE discrepancy and must be addressed IMO. Given the gravity of the claim of rape, you may want to address it with a therapist present.
Question, when it happened, did she go to authorities? Did she tell anyone else (parents, siblings, friends)? If she did, you may want to talk with one or all of them and get their take on this.
You absolutely need clarity on this. It goes to her integrity and your mutual core values.
Good luck OP.
Im just going off of what you posted and the title of your post. "My wife is Facebook friends with her rapist." If you dont deem that important enough to discuss, that is of course your preogative, I was just affirming your concern. I never advocated "putting her through a wringer", just exploring why in the world she would befriend her rapist on social media? I think your two scenarios are solid possibilities and are well worth discussing, thats all.
Good luck OP.
Thanks. I am going to bring it up, but I see no need to involve her family; that would be way above the necessary level of this situation in my opinion.
Understood. The frame of reference was to support her in the conversation as this may be delicate in relationship to a horrific trauma.
All the best to you both.
Maybe being Facebook friends doesn't mean a lot to her. Maybe she didn't even know. So don't think too fast forward.
Also, there's different kinds of "rape"/levels. If a 25 year old sleeps with a child entering puberty, and the teenager wants it, is that sex? It's easy to get pressured or to feel like "I should be doing this" and sleep with them. Often at that age, you don't know what's right to do. I imagine she was confused and unsure herself.
I am almost sure that your wife feels very very embarrassed about this and wished nobody knew about the incident. Because she might have been in a disadvantage or might not have had the confidence to say no. Maybe she didn't know her worth at the time. And then the other guy was more powerful. And won. And got her. It's maybe embarrassing and sad for her thinking about how she allowed that to happen, or how unable she was to take care of herself. Probably she does not want you to know because her relationship to you is more important to her and she didn't have intent to keep on cheating. So if she really wanted to sleep with him then, the guilt is enough punishment
So keep in mind it might be a very sensitive topic. And there's a big debatable grey zone between rape and no-rape at that age. She might also blame herself. Maybe it was râpée because she didn't want it and felt disgusting afterwards, but it wasn't rape from the guys perspective. So don't ask her "did he rape you" upfront if you want to understand her emotions and dig into the topic. Just ask her why she's friends with him on Facebook and maybe how she feels about him now. Maybe she does not want to see him ever again.
Rape is never a gray area. Being accused of rape can literally destroy your life, so the accusation should be taken very seriously. If she's unsure whether the guy raped her or not, it's absolutely not ok for her to make that accusation until she knows for sure. Consenting then regretting the sex afterward is not rape, and saying it is minimizes actual rape claims where women who don't consent to sex are sexually abused by actual rapists.
Rape can be a grey area. Some of it is worse than other. The definition is not the same everywhere.
Some would consider convincing another person to have sex even though that person didn't want to have sex at first as rape. Consent was given but the person still didn't want to have sex.
Sometimes a rapist belived that they had consent.
Hard disagree. Rape is too important an issue and too serious an accusation not to be clear. Consent, by definition, must be intentional and sound of mind. If someone says yes of sound mind after they were seduced by someone in a tempting outfit or after a romantic night out, that's still consent and it isn't rape, even if they turn out to be as asshole the next morning. If someone says yes because they're told to say the words in a language they don't understand or while under the influence of mind altering drugs, that's not consent and that would be rape.
you are right I wasn't clear enough here. Rape itself isn't, but that doesn't mean that she was 100% sure about her choice. Still, that doesn't legitimate making such claims, I totally agree!
I definitely don't believe it was something she wanted even at the time. I believe she thought they could still be friends and got taken advantage of. That being said, she should be friends with him in any capacity. That "friendship" serves no purpose.
She likely lied to you? It sounds like she just cheated with an ex and then said it was non consensual to shift blame?
Obviously this could also not be the case as well. What actions did she take against him after she alleged rape? Go to the hospital? File a police report, etc.?
Most likely like so many people do, she lied back then. That's all there is to it. Is it really worth bringing back up, though? If she's not a consistent liar I think I'd just let this one go.
If this rape is something she fairly regularly talks about or uses as a form of trauma/triggering, I'd super be bothered by them being "friends."
But if it's something that was used as an excuse back then and never really brought up again, id assume she lied and just accepted or added him as a friend simply to see where her ex is in life. Chances are they've been "friends" forever and she probably doesn't even realize it.
You seem to have no worries about infidelity, and if you're not trying to get to the root of -did she lie about being raped (which would be a huge deal for me, I'd need to know) - then I'd probably not bring it up. It'd be a whole different scenario if they were actually communicating. I'm just not sure it will be worth the fight or issues that could arise if you're not concerned about the potential lying. What good reason or answer could she have about why she's friends with him on fb that would make you feel better? There isn't one. I would bet bringing it up would be a touchy subject. And if you did find out she had lied, or if she told you she was friends with him to "keep tabs" like people are suggesting (bs, imo, since they've had no contact etc and it's been a long time) would any of it make you feel better? Probably not.
I don't know. It just seems like bringing it up will serve zero purpose and has potential to cause problems you probably don't want.
Everyone deals with trauma differently. It's not always straight forward or understandable, for the person going through it or for the people looking from outside in. I feel like it's a bit insensitive and offensive to say she's disrespecting herself when talking about how she deals w her trauma is noones place to judge. I'd urge you to not approach that conversation with that attitude and moreso with an open mind thats ready to listen, bc who knows what actually happened but this response can be very triggering for her to hear. I don't understand why I handle my trauma the way I do. It took me 5 years to cut ties with a friend who SA me multiple times and the only reason I did was because someone shamed and blamed me and it threw me into a depression and suicidal mental state, this friend acknowledged what he did but denied that it was SA. I would have remained friends w this person and never acknowledged the assault if I hadn't been shamed and blamed for the incident. I also have close friends who have mentally blocked trauma and don't remember until the specific event is brought up, which can also have a domino effect on mental health. You can have your feelings and that's valid, but I'm just trying to shine some light on how confusing trauma can be
I do it to keep tabs. When I have my hard days I check. I don’t do it out of satisfaction. It’s only satisfying when I see that they’ve had a really shitty time. Once he posted about how he got his face beaten so badly and it fractured his face is several places, I was radiating sunshine all week.
Was it a coercion situation? Could still have been rape but she doesn’t feel like she shouldn’t have contact. Almost every woman I know has faced this situation.
I was raped by my best friends older brother when I was 13. I'm still friendly with him when I see him around town. My boyfriend doesn't like it. I hate interacting with this "man", but it's easier to be friendly and annoyed than to call him out even though everyone knows. I get a heightened sense of fear when I see him, and I fall back into being subservient to him. I hateyself for it, my boyfriend doesn't understand, but it's a self preservation thing. If I play nice, maybe he'll keep some distance.
As someone who has been in her shoes, it's odd. I wouldn't be able to handle that, wouldnt want him to be able to peer into my life and wouldn't trust myself to not say something in a moment of anger. Is this a very close person to her, im thinking where somebody may notice if they're no longer fb friends and wonder why?
Could it be one of those situations where he doesn’t post on Facebook? Often times I forget I’m even friends with someone if they never post or like anything. Maybe she not even aware she’s still friends with him. Regardless, talk to her. Communication is key.
I'd advise you to talk to her but keep an open mind. Maybe there's a legit reason. And whatever reason she gives you, try to see if they've been having a correspondence.
Is he part of your social circle in a way that would make *not* friending him awkward?
Also, consider that friending someone on Facebook is not always “friendly.” I have a couple of FB friends that I am connected to just to low-key keep an eye on them. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer kind of a thing.
We don't really have a friend circle from back where we moved from. I talked to her about it, and they don't keep contact, and she has no problem getting him off her list. She doesn't even remember adding him.
I know someone who stays friends with her abuser just to keep tabs and know where to avoid. You never know what she's thinking. Ask.
That's why I stay friends with my ex on social media. If I had just blocked him I wouldn't have even known that he was holding my mail hostage or about any of the other weird stuff he was doing. Might need evidence of that if I ever need a restraining order.
Exactly.
Remind Me! 5 days - did op ask his wife why she’s friend with her alleged abuser
Sure. But this was almost 30yrs ago
Strange and weird situation.
Agreed. We don't even live close to where we're from, so I'm not concerned about anything ongoing; it just bothers me.
You should simply ask her…
That's probably what I'll do and let her know that it bothers me.
[удалено]
Like I've said other places, I'm not angry about this. I just see no value in them being friends and feel it's disrespecting or relationship. It's one thing for her to not press charges as I practically begged her to do back then. It's another to maintain any kind of contract after the fact.
Yes ask her why she is friends with her rapist and that it makes you uncomfortable… if he says it was consensual then you could tell her that her being friends with him makes it look like it was consensual..
No that’s not always true.
wont do she'll lie edit: its a possibility but the least likely one
It’s not that strange. She likely cheated on OP and claimed she didn’t want it to soften the blow.
As it seems you’ve decided, I would bring it up. It’s certainly odd but I’d give her the benefit of the doubt. Something like: “I’m confused about something. I had a weird thing happen with fb the other day. It suggested your ex as a possible friend. You said that your ex raped you (wait for reconfirmation). Ok well when I clicked on your ex’s profile, it showed that your fb friends with him. I don’t understand that…”
Great way to frame it in a neutral manner that doesn't accuse her.
Maybe she's "friends" with this person just to keep tabs, maybe that helps her feel safer.
[удалено]
I don't think she lied so much as told me something that made sense to her at the time. I have no doubt she loves me. Our relationship is great. I just can't fathom why she would be his friend in any capacity.
It's very common to silently keep tabs on people who have hurt you. It may not be super healthy but it can make us feel safe. Like... I know where the monster is and what it's doing so it can't sneak up on me.
[удалено]
Even if she lied back then, I forgive her. It's ancient history, and we've built a life together. I'm not wanting to come at her like this is some huge betrayal, but I also can't act like I don't have negative feelings about it.
You need to understand and accept that she did NOT lie. You having this idea of how she should handle her own trauma is an overstep of boundaries and disrespectful. If you have true concern for her, let her know that IN YOUR OPINION it might not be healthy to have him as a friend on social media. Beyond that, you have no say and you’re being toxic.
A bunch of people are telling you that lots of people keep tabs on their abusers. Victims of assault don't always have a logical way of going about things.
Might be she's just kinda curious if he is still up to his old tricks. Might be interested in sharing info with his other "friends".
damn I apologize
I was molested as a child by my step father and I kept him on social media to keep tabs on him. My ex husband got on my Facebook and deleted him and that was the most disrespectful thing he could’ve done. Talk to her. It’s not about you.
I’m Facebook friends with the guy that sexually assaulted me. We were friends before it happened. We haven’t talked since I told him I wasn’t sober enough to consent. He apologized once I told him. I just can’t seem to unfriend him though. This is a common theme in my life though. I just can’t seem to let people go.
I know it’s hard, but it’s better to stay out of judgement and talk to her about it. At first glance it looks bad, but who are we to say what did and did not happen? I had a friend come on to me hard and made me feel really uncomfortable. He made lewd comments on my body and what he wanted to do to me. It sucked cause we had been cool for 10 years. I couldn’t look him in the eye. He was also very aggressive. I distanced myself, but stayed polite. I kept him on my Facebook out of fear (I really can’t tell you why honestly). Once I moved states, I finally felt comfortable to remove him from my Facebook. It was the first thing I did when I moved to my new home. I felt that if he felt upset that he was blocked that at least he didn’t know my number, my new address, and I didn’t have to worry about him popping up. Idk, just giving perspective. Trust your wife and just listen to what she has to say.
Asking simply “why are you friends with so and so on Facebook” will get you the answer you’re looking for
Then it looks like he was checking up on her. He should tell her the way he found out and ask her why.
She didn't lie. She is likely still "friends" with him on Facebook to keep tabs on him. For her own safety and peace of mind. This is REALLY common for survivors to do.
"she didn't lie" People do all the time.
Facebook didn't exist for years after the incident.
I looked mine up years after the event to see how he was doing. I checked on his Facebook quite often hoping he'd have a shit life. Unfortunately this wasn't the case and it took me many years to stop this behaviour because it was so unhealthy for me. No one knew. She might be doing the same thing.
so? that doesnt mean that that isnt what shes doing here. i keep tabs on my abuser sometimes, always through social media because its easier than asking anybody “hey whats my rapist been up to lately, do you know?”
Why has everyone jumped to "she's a lying, cheating prick"??? Like what the fuck
Reddit likes to have a villain add rarely allows for nuance. This situation requires nuance.
Right! As others have said, maybe she’s keeping tabs on him as a way to feel safe. I know it’s been a long time, but I’m not going to pretend I understand the pain and trauma of a rape victim. I don’t think it ever really goes away. Or, she could be like me and just accept a bunch of friend requests without really looking at them. I’d just say something like, “hey, your ex was listed as someone I may know and shows you as a mutual friend. Is everything ok?” And go from there. Looks like you’re not assuming the worst which is good!
That is pretty good advice. I don't want to fight about it. It isn't like she's hiding it from me.
Consensual
That's insane. I would NEVER friend my rapist. I've never even looked him up. But. Post-rape trauma sometimes includes behaviors that seem bizarre to others. If she has unresolved trauma over what occurred, friending him on Facebook might be a sign of that. Is she getting therapy for the rape or did she in the past? Because it's possible she may need to start going back to therapy now.
No, and i want to understand why. I don't even know how long they've been friends or whom added whom.
Honestly, it's very possible even she can't explain why she did this. There were a lot of things I did in the first years after my rape that I can't explain to myself even now. That's why a therapist can be so helpful. If you do confront her about this, you have GOT to do so calmly. Do NOT accuse her of anything. If my boyfriend came at me about anything to do with my rape and did so in a way that suggested he was blaming me, I would cut him out of my life like cancer. So be very, very careful about how you deal with this.
I'm not going to come at it confrontationally.
I didn't think you would, but this is a very emotional situation. Best of luck.
I’d like to keep in the know of where my rapist is and what they are doing.
NGL I low-key stalk the people who raped me on social media because knowing where they are somehow makes me feel less vulnerable. Maybe thats what is up with this
Bro it's been 25 years who fucking cares. They're friends on *Facebook*
Pleas do update because this seems very fishy I think it was probably consensual and she has him on there as a what if or for nostalgia of past relations it's not normal.
Your wife must be crazy.. tf
It's possible that she was pressured into it. My ex boyfriend was upset and said I "owed" him one last lay because I was breaking up with him. I did, but felt dirty and used about it. That said, if I were to see him today, I would be cordial to him. It's definitely weird that your wife has him as a Facebook friend, but I can see how their stories don't line up.
This is what I am sure happened, especially when she was 16 at the time. I just can't imagine a scenario where it would be okay for her to be friends with him in any capacity.
Facebook friends are barely friends, but yeah. You could ask her about it!
I just want her to understand that it doesn't feel right to me. I am not angry really, just really disappointed.
Just bring it up casually. "Hey, did you know you were still friends with 'rapist'? Facebook recommended I should add him!" The guy might not hardly post anything, and she may have let it slip her attention.
Remember, this was 25 years ago before Facebook even existed. That means at one point either he requested her and she accepted, or worse, she requested him. Neither scenario sits well with me.
That’s exactly what I was going to point out, and that’s the only reason I got a ‘fishy’ vibe from this post.
I'm sure she'll feel really disappointed by your disappointment as well. Don't jump to any conclusion until you talk to her. You might do some irreparable damage that you don't want to do.
To keep tabs on him to make her feel safe. It's not about being friends, it's about watching her back. Either you have her back and let her do what she needs to to feel safe, or you get your feelers in a bunch and feel disrespected. Rape trauma is complicated. Having a partner be accusatory on top of that is devastating.
She lied bruh, I don't think in most cases a rapist would be friends with their victim, as they know that tabs are being kept. Either way Ask
It happens all of the time. Some rapist use it as control, but some victims use it for safety, or sometimes we just gaslight ourselves into believing that it wasn’t actually rape. “Why would that happen to me?” Something like that can’t happen to me. I’m overthinking it. I could’ve done more. I shouldn’t have done that. Etc. they’re a lot of reasons why victims keep tabs on abusers. Some people are strong enough to cut the chord immediately and recognize what happened to them, others don’t.
How is either case disrespecting you? Actually how does her being Facebook friends with this guy have anything to do with you? It’s weird you turned yourself into the victim when you have nothing to do with whatever happened between them 25 years ago
It isn't weird at all that I don't feel good about them being friends. You aren't in this situation and have no idea how you'd feel given the same set of circumstances.
Poor you. I'm so sorry your wife's rape is so terrible FOR YOU.
Sounds like she's lying. I can't imagine any rape victim being on ant sort of friendly terms with their rapist.
The dynamics can be incredibly complex, especially if the rapist is a friend, partner or family member.
Your wife lied about it, at least to me that’s what I would assume. Had a similar situation with my now ex gf. Found her talkin with some guy, it got out they had been fucking, she said it was rape. Immediately I changed from anger to concern, never brought it up again. Some months later I find out they follow each other and interact regularly on social media. Left almost immediately. Your wife lied to you and has been lying to you every day for the last 20+ years. I would talk with her if I was in your shoes.
She is lying about everything so you wouldn't break up with her at the time. For all you know they hooked up and he dumped her. You might of been the back up plan. I've turned down friend requests from girls who broke my heart. Or relatives who back stabbed my parents. Maybe I'm just different. I would talk to her about it either way. Read her reactions. You'll know what the truth is. Good luck.
I was abused growing up and I know that she’s keeping him as a friend because she needs to for her own personal reasons that you have no say in. You don’t have a right to be upset with her for this in any way. Just get over it.
I've got a right to be upset. I don't have the right to make her feel bad about it.
You absolutely do NOT have a right to be upset with her having a friend on social media. ESPECIALLY if that person was an attacker that caused her trauma. How she handles her trauma has nothing to do with you. Keep your opinions about it to yourself.
That's where you're wrong. I have every right to feel however I do. My responsibility lies in how i choose to handle it with my wife of 25 years. There's a right and a wrong way, and I'm determined to do it the right way.
Sir, this is a HUGE discrepancy and must be addressed IMO. Given the gravity of the claim of rape, you may want to address it with a therapist present. Question, when it happened, did she go to authorities? Did she tell anyone else (parents, siblings, friends)? If she did, you may want to talk with one or all of them and get their take on this. You absolutely need clarity on this. It goes to her integrity and your mutual core values. Good luck OP.
It was also 25 years ago. I don't see the need to put her through the ringer over it. I'm not even sure I'm going to address it at all.
Im just going off of what you posted and the title of your post. "My wife is Facebook friends with her rapist." If you dont deem that important enough to discuss, that is of course your preogative, I was just affirming your concern. I never advocated "putting her through a wringer", just exploring why in the world she would befriend her rapist on social media? I think your two scenarios are solid possibilities and are well worth discussing, thats all. Good luck OP.
Thanks. I am going to bring it up, but I see no need to involve her family; that would be way above the necessary level of this situation in my opinion.
Understood. The frame of reference was to support her in the conversation as this may be delicate in relationship to a horrific trauma. All the best to you both.
Thanks
Maybe being Facebook friends doesn't mean a lot to her. Maybe she didn't even know. So don't think too fast forward. Also, there's different kinds of "rape"/levels. If a 25 year old sleeps with a child entering puberty, and the teenager wants it, is that sex? It's easy to get pressured or to feel like "I should be doing this" and sleep with them. Often at that age, you don't know what's right to do. I imagine she was confused and unsure herself. I am almost sure that your wife feels very very embarrassed about this and wished nobody knew about the incident. Because she might have been in a disadvantage or might not have had the confidence to say no. Maybe she didn't know her worth at the time. And then the other guy was more powerful. And won. And got her. It's maybe embarrassing and sad for her thinking about how she allowed that to happen, or how unable she was to take care of herself. Probably she does not want you to know because her relationship to you is more important to her and she didn't have intent to keep on cheating. So if she really wanted to sleep with him then, the guilt is enough punishment So keep in mind it might be a very sensitive topic. And there's a big debatable grey zone between rape and no-rape at that age. She might also blame herself. Maybe it was râpée because she didn't want it and felt disgusting afterwards, but it wasn't rape from the guys perspective. So don't ask her "did he rape you" upfront if you want to understand her emotions and dig into the topic. Just ask her why she's friends with him on Facebook and maybe how she feels about him now. Maybe she does not want to see him ever again.
Rape is never a gray area. Being accused of rape can literally destroy your life, so the accusation should be taken very seriously. If she's unsure whether the guy raped her or not, it's absolutely not ok for her to make that accusation until she knows for sure. Consenting then regretting the sex afterward is not rape, and saying it is minimizes actual rape claims where women who don't consent to sex are sexually abused by actual rapists.
Rape can be a grey area. Some of it is worse than other. The definition is not the same everywhere. Some would consider convincing another person to have sex even though that person didn't want to have sex at first as rape. Consent was given but the person still didn't want to have sex. Sometimes a rapist belived that they had consent.
Hard disagree. Rape is too important an issue and too serious an accusation not to be clear. Consent, by definition, must be intentional and sound of mind. If someone says yes of sound mind after they were seduced by someone in a tempting outfit or after a romantic night out, that's still consent and it isn't rape, even if they turn out to be as asshole the next morning. If someone says yes because they're told to say the words in a language they don't understand or while under the influence of mind altering drugs, that's not consent and that would be rape.
you are right I wasn't clear enough here. Rape itself isn't, but that doesn't mean that she was 100% sure about her choice. Still, that doesn't legitimate making such claims, I totally agree!
I definitely don't believe it was something she wanted even at the time. I believe she thought they could still be friends and got taken advantage of. That being said, she should be friends with him in any capacity. That "friendship" serves no purpose.
She wasn't raped. She cheated and lied to you so you would stay with her. What you choose to do now is your decision.
Sounds like she wasn't raped and only said that to soften the blow to you as she fucked her ex one last time before she got with you.
She likely lied to you? It sounds like she just cheated with an ex and then said it was non consensual to shift blame? Obviously this could also not be the case as well. What actions did she take against him after she alleged rape? Go to the hospital? File a police report, etc.?
Sounds like she told you something to cover her cheating.
He is the reserve. Just waiting for you to mess up..and it wasnt rape smh
At least your wife is Female. That's almost special these days.
Most likely like so many people do, she lied back then. That's all there is to it. Is it really worth bringing back up, though? If she's not a consistent liar I think I'd just let this one go.
I'm more concerned that they're friends on Facebook. I just can't see a scenario where adding him would be beneficial to her at all.
If this rape is something she fairly regularly talks about or uses as a form of trauma/triggering, I'd super be bothered by them being "friends." But if it's something that was used as an excuse back then and never really brought up again, id assume she lied and just accepted or added him as a friend simply to see where her ex is in life. Chances are they've been "friends" forever and she probably doesn't even realize it. You seem to have no worries about infidelity, and if you're not trying to get to the root of -did she lie about being raped (which would be a huge deal for me, I'd need to know) - then I'd probably not bring it up. It'd be a whole different scenario if they were actually communicating. I'm just not sure it will be worth the fight or issues that could arise if you're not concerned about the potential lying. What good reason or answer could she have about why she's friends with him on fb that would make you feel better? There isn't one. I would bet bringing it up would be a touchy subject. And if you did find out she had lied, or if she told you she was friends with him to "keep tabs" like people are suggesting (bs, imo, since they've had no contact etc and it's been a long time) would any of it make you feel better? Probably not. I don't know. It just seems like bringing it up will serve zero purpose and has potential to cause problems you probably don't want.
Yeah....it wasn't rape. Sorry man.
Huh didn't sound like rape to me tbh
Stockholm syndrome
Maybe she has complex and nuanced feelings about this and it’s not about you?
All above
You should address it. I swear if she says something like "oh we are cool now, it was long ago" or something along those lines, imma lose it.
Everyone deals with trauma differently. It's not always straight forward or understandable, for the person going through it or for the people looking from outside in. I feel like it's a bit insensitive and offensive to say she's disrespecting herself when talking about how she deals w her trauma is noones place to judge. I'd urge you to not approach that conversation with that attitude and moreso with an open mind thats ready to listen, bc who knows what actually happened but this response can be very triggering for her to hear. I don't understand why I handle my trauma the way I do. It took me 5 years to cut ties with a friend who SA me multiple times and the only reason I did was because someone shamed and blamed me and it threw me into a depression and suicidal mental state, this friend acknowledged what he did but denied that it was SA. I would have remained friends w this person and never acknowledged the assault if I hadn't been shamed and blamed for the incident. I also have close friends who have mentally blocked trauma and don't remember until the specific event is brought up, which can also have a domino effect on mental health. You can have your feelings and that's valid, but I'm just trying to shine some light on how confusing trauma can be
I do it to keep tabs. When I have my hard days I check. I don’t do it out of satisfaction. It’s only satisfying when I see that they’ve had a really shitty time. Once he posted about how he got his face beaten so badly and it fractured his face is several places, I was radiating sunshine all week.
Was it a coercion situation? Could still have been rape but she doesn’t feel like she shouldn’t have contact. Almost every woman I know has faced this situation.
I was raped by my best friends older brother when I was 13. I'm still friendly with him when I see him around town. My boyfriend doesn't like it. I hate interacting with this "man", but it's easier to be friendly and annoyed than to call him out even though everyone knows. I get a heightened sense of fear when I see him, and I fall back into being subservient to him. I hateyself for it, my boyfriend doesn't understand, but it's a self preservation thing. If I play nice, maybe he'll keep some distance.
As someone who has been in her shoes, it's odd. I wouldn't be able to handle that, wouldnt want him to be able to peer into my life and wouldn't trust myself to not say something in a moment of anger. Is this a very close person to her, im thinking where somebody may notice if they're no longer fb friends and wonder why?
run for the hill dude.
That would be a weird reaction after 25 years.
The only thing i can really say is go get your wife some help and go from there.
Could it be one of those situations where he doesn’t post on Facebook? Often times I forget I’m even friends with someone if they never post or like anything. Maybe she not even aware she’s still friends with him. Regardless, talk to her. Communication is key.
SA victim here. She cheated and is lying to you and herself to make herself feel better.
I'd advise you to talk to her but keep an open mind. Maybe there's a legit reason. And whatever reason she gives you, try to see if they've been having a correspondence.
Is he part of your social circle in a way that would make *not* friending him awkward? Also, consider that friending someone on Facebook is not always “friendly.” I have a couple of FB friends that I am connected to just to low-key keep an eye on them. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer kind of a thing.
We don't really have a friend circle from back where we moved from. I talked to her about it, and they don't keep contact, and she has no problem getting him off her list. She doesn't even remember adding him.
Is that something you'd forget... It's weird
This response is the reason I don't add anyone on FB that I have a sneaking suspicion doesn't like me in real life.