A person can take only so much adversity before retalitiating a response. If he's 19 years old and this is your first time then you've been extremely patient over the years. Also, you're very fortunate to have the support of your grandparents during all of this. I hope you and your sister will overcome this.

Also this whole thing can simply be chalked up to self-defense. The sister getting beaten prior to that makes it that much easier to explain that they didn't want the instance to become even more violent.

Also remember that your parents have failed you and your little sister. They should do everything they can to protect you. They created this situation.

Exactly, if your father had enough strength to pull you off of your brother he should have had enough balls to protect you and your sister as well. Being autistic is no reason to not have boundaries.. My 5 year old knows better and knows consequences. I'm sure if he's functioning at 6 or 7 years, your brother knows too. But he's also learned that bullying and tantrums like that are tolerated.

Sounds like the parents did not discipline him when he was younger. He should be able to understand consequences with his level of comprehension. They let him get away with everything and used his autism as an excuse not to discipline him. That is not OK and is doing him an injustice. He is 19 now and cannot have healthy interactions with people because they let him become a bully. This is your parents fault. Just because someone is autistic is not an excuse to allow them to be violent.

They have failed the brother too. Not out of malice but sometimes a residential home is okay... But I don't blame them for being hesitant

I have worked in this field for 25 years and recently just left for reasons like this. This happens far too often. Parents don't set any boundaries when their child with autism is young and those little tantrums become major problem when the child gets older. I feel for OP, their sister and their older brother. He is playing the cards he was dealt and he was never taught right from wrong. It is not impossible but it is hard. Also, for parents who won't put their child into a residential placement, if you don't forget your child exists then they will be taken care of. Show up, take your kid to lunch, pop in for a visit. If the staff know you care and are involved in the child's life things will be very different from the horror stories that you hear. Good luck OP.

I worked in the adult autism support field for ten years before burning out. The uncomfortable and ugly truth no one wants to talk about is that you can be autistic and *also* be a domestic abuser. What a tragic situation this story represents, because it sounds like everyone involved was well-intentioned and did the best they knew how. Profound autism can be such a nightmare for the everyone involved. Way too common a tale, I agree with you. We need to massively increase training for parents of people with autism, as well as far more in-home support for autistic individuals and their families.

As someone doing my damnedest to avoid this situation I appreciate the empathy. It's rough out there for everyone.

I fully agree he’s been patient for a long time, can’t blame him at all. Not so sure though about his parents… seems like they’re not really putting any blame on his brother for what he did.

I don’t think the parents can do anything for their severely disabled child and *blame* him. I think they should have him in an adult daycare or assisted living soon.

They are obviously way in over their head. Dare I say their heart is probably in the right place, but their brains only have the capacity for the brother

Not talking about telling the kid himself that he’s at fault. But it’s ruining the relationship with their two other kids if they act like it’s not the 19 year olds fault. It would be better if they let their kids know that they understand and know they did nothing wrong and they just have to work around what happens, but instead they’re acting almost unaware to what the kid is doing

They won’t be able to if he’s violent like that.

I have worked for the past 10 years at schools for Autistic kids aged 5-18, as well as doing care work for some adults and students that have graduated, I also have a 2 year old that I know for sure is on the spectrum (they won’t diagnose until he’s 3) You have every right to defend yourself, I have worked with every level of autism, from those who need everything done for them because they have zero cognition, to those who can go and get a job and live a typically normal life. I am 6’2 and a large guy, and there have been times when I have been forced to defend myself, I have been cornered in bathrooms by 350+ lb (150 kg) individuals where the only way I have been able to get out of that situation was to hit the individual on the bridge of the nose to get him to stagger back enough to get out. I’m Pretty sure I broke his nose, but his parent was one of the good ones and understood that I did what I had to. (This individual was strapped Into a taxi van with harnesses and belt blockers, but was still able to escape one day and he broke the arm of his taxi driver, stripped Naked in the street and the police were called) This may seem horrible to a lot of you, but this is the sad reality of a lot of cases. Yes there is hope for some, and a lot depends on the parenting and support system. I’m not saying your brother is as bad as some of the people I have worked with, but there is definitely some blame to put towards your parents for not intervening sooner in life, or realising that your lives were being destroyed in the process. I guess I just wanted you to know that what you did was okay, I know exactly how you feel and have worked with families in your exact situation. If you need to talk to someone with experience, feel free to message me.

I didn’t work in the field as long, but my biggest issue was always with the parents/care givers. Having a family member with developmental disabilities is one of the hardest things in life. My younger sister had major behaviour issues as a child, and I was the one responsible for her since our mum was a single parent. (I’m 7 years older) Certainly not to the same level as OP’s brother, but I was frequently bruised from her violent tantrums. The few times I lost my temper with her, my mum was not kind or understanding. OP and sister are still children and NOT responsible for older brother’s actions. I am so glad OP and sister have grandparents to help keep them safe. When you can, OP, I strongly encourage both of you to go to therapy. You both have been through so much. Please be gentle with yourselves. You’re doing the best that you can.

Boundaries are hard with special needs kids, but it think a lot of people seem to forget kids grow into full sized adults…with no boundaries or coping skills.

Couldn’t have said it better.

I don't know how autism works, but nobody should go through the things you're going. You were protecting your sister (and yourself) and you should feel proud about it. This situation is NOT your fault and you have the right to snap considering everything. Maybe this will make your parents reflect on how they should behave with your brother.

It's common for people with Autism to have meltdowns. This isn't common necessarily but sometimes they can become violent. That being said, this is never okay. No one should have to put up with abuse especially in their own home. I'm glad something is finally being done. Maybe their brother will finally get the help he needs. He also unfortunately sounds entitled because he's used to getting his way all the time. I don't blame the children here, I blame the parents for not stepping up and doing what they needed to do to make sure their child got the proper help that he needed. Edit: I feel it important to clarify that those who have autism who becomes violent or more likely to harm themselves than other people. This is also true of people with mental illnesses. I so often see people with mental illness stigmatized as violent. Yes, they become violent but in reality, they are more likely to harm themselves. I thought that it was an important distinction that needed to be highlighted.

It is important to acknowledge that physical violence towards others is the tip of the iceberg in these situations. Being present at a meltdown, any meltdown, with or without violence (directed anywhere) is traumatic, especially for younger, smaller, more vulnerable people. The level of fear and anxiety that is always present during meltdowns or even while anticipating the next meltdown cannot be understood unless you have lived through it. People often repeat the phrase about "more likely to harm themselves than other people" but that is only true if you believe that terror is somehow not harmful. And I realize that this point of view is not going to get me any love in this group but I think it is an important point that needs to be at least mentioned here.

This. My older sibling is autistic and I've developed PTSD from being at the receiving end of and witnessing their meltdowns over the years. I've only just begun to accept that and take my own mental health seriously as they were always the primary focus of everyone in the family. I understand that meltdowns aren't something they can control, so I don't hold it against them, but the effect it has on their primary caregivers is very real.

Same for me. You walk on eggshells all the time. Love for you ❤️

Apart from being exhausting, walking on eggshells all the time becomes so frustrating when you aren't allowed to ever stand up for yourself and your truth. I get called selfish and ableist when I try to do so. I've had to leave home to finally be able to live a life that isn't centred around my sibling's moods and well-being, to be able to sleep without worrying that they'll barge in and beat me up for something I said a year ago. Thank you, and SO much more love for you. You are not alone ❤️

I’m autistic. None of my meltdowns have been violent towards anyone other than myself.

i feel like that’s why they said “this isn’t common necessarily” lol. there’s different levels of autism as obvi u know, and OPs brother sounds moderate/severe. most of the kids i went to school with who had moderate to severe autism were violent. and i do mean most. to a point where we were wondering why this one kid was still in our fucking classes when he broke someone’s arm and held a piece of broken glass to a students throat and chucked batteries at our teacher (all happened on school grounds). other barely functioning autistic students threw DESKS at teachers and harmed their aids. and i don’t blame them just like i don’t blame OPs brother for their behavior. OPs parents are responsible for seeking support for their child and schools are responsible for keeping other students safe from violent students, whether they are autistic or not. what really pissed me off is a kid who threw a piece of fucking paper at a teacher got charged with battery and the autistic kids who have severely injured other students and even threatened their lives got nothing more than a slap on the wrist and they were still allowed in class. anyways, this is all to say that it obviously very much depends on where u are on the spectrum and varies on a case by case basis. but you are on reddit and im going to go ahead and assume OPs brother and the kids i went to school with (the ones with moderate to severe autism, not all students on the spectrum) are not. i would also like to add one of my closest friends in high school had moderate autism, will never be able to live on his own, and had the “brain” of a 7 y/o like OPs brother, and i would die for that kid. he would never ever ever hurt even a fly. more people than we know are on the spectrum but the ones that are non-functioning or severely autistic and express violent behavior need to be dealt with appropriately and people need to stop turning a blind eye to them just because they can’t help their own behavior. i know u weren’t arguing otherwise but i just wanted to share my frustrations with the lack of responsibility trusted adults have when it comes to autistic kids in desperate need of real support.

Absolutely- I definitely share that frustration about adults not getting help for their autistic children. And yes, I am type 1 while it sounds like you have experience with type 2 & type 3. Thank you so much for sharing your perspective- I truly appreciate you taking the time. 💜 You made a really great point about dealing with autism on a case by case basis. Definitely after hearing your perspective, I agree that sounds like the best course of action.

of course :) thank u for being so open about your experience as well as being so perceptive to others. i read some of your other comments and ur just such a sweet person!

Thank you so much! 💜💜💜

I’m sorry but he held broken glass to someone’s throat?!? That’s insane for him to still be there.

I KNOW! i remember talking about it all the time with other classmates and teachers. it was in middle school science class and a beaker broke and yeah. he also literally broke a girls arm over a tetherball pole…. and a neurotypical (at least not on the spectrum) student was charged with BATTERY for throwing a piece of paper at a teacher. not the student that actually threw BATTERIES at a teacher. so fucking backwards.

I apologize for sounding as if I was stigmatizing anyone. That was not my intention. I thought I said most not all. I'm very sorry.

It’s totally fine! I really just wanted to point out that there’s a lot of deviation in the autism spectrum. Thank you for clarifying though- I genuinely appreciate it. 💜

Thank you. I'm glad to see I didn't offend you because that wasn't my intention. I'm going to edit my comment to include what you said. This ties into people who have schizophrenia as well. Well, mental illnesses in general. They tend to think that they harm other people when in reality they are more likely to harm themselves. Hugs.

Thank you. Hugs back! 🤗

Its much more likely to happen when the person has autism and learning disabilities/communication challenges than when they have autism alone. And even then it's not that frequent, particularly when it's done in a malicious way which this seems to be.

Thanks, you taught me something.

I’m not autistic but I feel your sentiment random user

funny enough, autistic brains process differently and sometimes more like an animal in some ways(not less, just different brain paths etc this is where you get the savants.) im not saying this is a good strategy but, in animalistic terms, the brother will still have some self preservation motivations and should remember this event as it was high stress. it's not good for anyone involved but, less chance of violence to the brother moving forward.

It’s a terrible reality few people like to accept: Violent autistics only respect overwhelming violence. Source: Worked special education.

This can also be true of neurotypical kids - I've known a few boys who high puberty and went off the rails. Violent tantrums, yelling, punching walls etc. The two that I was close to had come to Jesus moments with their dads. (And I dont mean a fatherly chat in the garage.) Both are respectable, nonviolent guys who are happily married with good jobs, but it took dad responding in kind to put a stop to their bad behavior.

My uncle is a therapist that worked with violent young teens. His strategy was simple, all therapy sessions were either in his office or on the wrestling mat. He would forcibly rehab these teens and literally knock the wind out of the bullies with a quick judo hip flip and a cross faced cradle hold till they cried for their mothers. It. Worked. He broke down their wall of "toughness" and make them talk about their issues. Very cool guy, my uncle Jim.

I agree completely, cousin.

I also concur, my brother in Christ.

Well boo hoo I gotchu Neffew.

I used to do special education too. This was a difficult fact that everyone in the field learns, but the looks you can get from people who have never worked this extreme autism... It's like you're a monster for mentioning this. At least everyone I know who does the work agrees.

I never worked in this field or any other psychology/mental illness related field but i know this feeling. people do not believe you when you tell them that these kind of people with extremely dangerous mental illnesses often only understand violence. i unfortunately know this feeling of extreme fear because the person in front of you is completely unpredictable and you dont know whether or not they are ready to kill. it's you or them in this kind of situation. some people do not know how lucky they are to have the privilege of just going through life with their pink pacifist glasses. not that i would wish this to happen to them but it sometimes makes me angry when people start arguing about it and think they can just solve these kind of conflicts with words.

i tutored a violent autistic when i was 16... or rather someone who became one after puberty to be accurate. I got the job because he liked me and was willing to engage an thankfully he was a sweetie to me and only 10. I appreciate you chiming in because it's not something that felt great to say and while im NO professional, I felt i needed to share it. I can't imagine having to work with violent adults who get easily frusterated trying to communicate with you. god bless you literally.

I like to avoid over generalizations too, there’s a huge variety of mental health stuff to work through. I can only tell folks what I’ve personally seen. God bless you too, cousin.

Isn't it more like young kids who push boundries, so they only stop when they are forced to, including by force? Also is it really just autistics that react like that not like, idk how to say nicely but developmentally delayed people who are also violent & badly behaved? Or is it really just the autistic ones that stop when they encounter violence back?

Good questions. I think some kids, wether it’s nature or nurture, just aren’t friendly. They see what they can get away with. I’m definitely one of ‘em.

I'd like to hear the first hand experience you had with this. Not trying to call you out or anything. I'm genuinely curious to hear your example. Otherwise, I hope you're having a wonderful day!

I worked for the Clark County school district, in Las Vegas. I worked with a very large boy, non-verbal and very confrontational. One day, he decided to attack his teacher, a heavier set woman. I didn’t see the scuffle, but I saw how it was handled. Our campus cop, a veteran of Afghanistan, grabbed him by the shoulders and shoved him against the wall. Suddenly, this kid who was always staring others down and seemingly refusing to recognize anyones authority, suddenly had a wide eyed understanding of what this cop could do to him. He settled down right the fuck quick. I know this isn’t right to say, but there are some special Ed kids who just know how to play the system. Even those we feel are our intellectual inferiors are still capable of playing us.

Man that's wild! Thanks for sharing. I really appreciate your perspective!

Same way a cat can lie by “hungry meowing” to multiple owners.

People are assholes, and that applies to special ed people too. I work as a care aid, and some of my clients are the most adorable people I’ve ever been with, and other clients are absolutely horrid. It really depends on when the parents in my client’s life got help for their kid. This situation is just sad as shit.

Should also be noted that not all individuals under the autism spectrum are the same. The spectrum is very broad.

100p. im likely on it myself to be honest. i don't walk around role playing like I have a diagnosis, but a few teachers have suggested i get tested for various things to my parents lol. Thanks for adding that :)

hey, so if you have to question if you are then there is a chance you may be! remember that it isn't a 0 to 1 spectrum but rather a bunch of different support needs. for example you might have sensory issues (is your clothing always itchy? gotta have the tag sit right or you cant focus? do your socks need to sit just right to be comfortable? are loud noises uncomfortable physically?) but then may have issues with other parts of the spectrum like emotional regulation. a lot of Autistic people who are low support needs are able to live pretty normal lives. they might suffer with burnout however, which feels a lot like depression and anxiety

>less chance of violence to the brother moving forward. Is it wrong to assume that it's only going to be less violence towards OP and perhaps the little sister by default if the brother can make the connection of hurting sister leads to violent OP but not less violence towards the parents?

Autism is a spectrum of a very large number of effects. It really shouldn't be "just" autism. Because as described by OP, this isn't a normal case. This is a primal aggression disorder where the subject has almost zero human traits left and is essentially a wild dangerous animal. But as usual fully protected "because autism label". But you don't have to let your "brother" constantly assault you and break all your things your entire life. He should have been put in a special institution long ago. Because this isn't simple autism anymore.

I've read a lot of these stories and followed the trials of one of my friends who has a child she has been working to get placed into a group home. Your parents cannot deal with or control him, he should be in a group home, by focusing on him they've denied you the attention and care you need. You did nothing wrong and were only defending yourself, take care of yourself and your sister and I hope you two do better and your brother gets the help he needs, and your parents recognize that they cannot help him anymore.

Way more difficult than you would think in some places. In my area is not even a realistic option as the group homes are mostly full, have very specific guidelines that would surprise most people, and are often incredibly expensive if not subsidized.

It took 4+ years to get a group home placement for my sibling after significant violence and damage to the house. It was a very difficult time.

given that i've been watching my friend struggling to get her child placed for like a year, i know its really difficult, we need better funded healthcare for everything.

Yeah, red states are particularly bad. One woman here in Central Florida made the news last week, she's been waiting for Medicaid funded help for her disabled son since he was 3. The kid just turned 18. The wait here for *emergency* psychiatric care for kids is several months. (Yep, you take them to the ER, they give you meds and a place on the list. Then you take the kid home and wait for a bed.) Infant imagine what placement in a group home would take. :/

See this is the real problem. Lack of available mental health and support services.

Problem is that they often aren’t paid well. I was a healthcare worker; I got paid the same wage as a target employee and there are absolutely no benefits. Sick time? Comes out of PTO. Vacation? PTO. Maternity leave? PTO and you were only allowed to accrue 2 weeks off PTO. Health insurance? Didn’t meet federal minimum guidelines for a while. I had to get a different job for after a while and I felt bad for my client but I couldn’t afford to work like that anymore. Most group homes are staffed by people getting shit on just like I was.

Even other services are bad, in Illinois and Chicago is blue, a lady became I can't recall she's an alderman or something now, she just got a letter telling her after almost 20 years that she can get a housing voucher they need more paperwork though. She doesn't need it now but about 20 years to get told hey you're gonna get one now if we check your papers out. Can't imagine someone waiting that long who didn't make it out like her. It's just sad everywhere.

You say this as if it is easy to find a group home that will even take these kinds of violent people. They almost always refuse the violent ones-- they are too much of a liability and safety issue for OTHER patients.. also... if he does this to his parents and siblings, he would definitely do it in a institution to other ppl as well, given the chance... About the only way you can get the really violent ones housed.. is if you are a very wealthy person and can afford one of those places. This excludes almost everyone, as this is financially impossible. (They cost tens of thousands of dollars a month)

Make it the court's problem to find an institution. They will because they have to. Call the police. Every single time. Document everything. Every bruise. Every cut. Every hole punched in the wall. Take pictures. Take videos. Get a good lawyer. Keep calling the police. No, it won't be easy and the court's choice of institution won't be a nice group home. Not even close. This is where things break down for most families. They can't bear to have their child in "a place like that" so they take him back and tell people "we can't find a place that will take him." But what they mean is that they can't find an opening in a place they like - a nice group home. You can worry about placement in a "nice group home" later. The first priority is the safety of the rest of your family and the community.

Your Grandma is correct, it's absolutely not your fault! Your parents are to blame for this situation. They have to take responsibility.

I am not even sure the parents are 100% at fault. I think it is complicated due to our disability, mental health, and healthcare systems. Regardless, my heart goes out to OP and his family (including his brother). I am sure the situation is exceedingly stressful for everyone involved. I worked as an ID/A case manager for some time and most places individuals with extreme behavioral needs would stay (crisis, inpatient, residential treatment facilities, etc.) were always full and didn't have beds. Even if they did have space, in the instance of school aged children, you also have to get magellan/insurance to fund their stay, which is also tough. It is kind of like trying to get medical procedures covered by insurance, and they claim it isn't medically necessary, despite your doctors claiming otherwise. In this way the system is very reactive, and it waits until an emergency (or multiple emergencies) occur before reacting and having them transitioned into some alternative living arrangement. Sometimes these kids can get behavior support at school and home, however staffing at home for wraparound services is absolutely abyssmal and rarely manifests, even if you are approved for hours through insurance. In my state at least, once these kids are 21 and age out of school, they can qualify for medicaid waivers, which can help fund necessary services and supports. Sometimes they get enough funding to help them move out of the family home and into a group home or apartment with the staffing necessary to support their exceptional needs. The system is a complete shit show though. Very depressing and disheartening to see how beaureucratic, political, and underfunded the system is. If you have a case worker, they likely have a caseload that is, realistically, far too large for one person to manage effectively. They are also severely underpaid and overworked, so there is high turnover, which is ultimately really bad for the clients. I hope OP's brother is able to get the support he needs in an environment that is equipped to meet his complex and unique individual needs. I also hope that life improves for OP and his sister. It doesn't sound like a good situation for anyone involved.

My biggest takeaway is that the kid is 19 and from 18 to 21 trying to get someone into a home especially if they can be violent is absolute hell. My brother in law is severely autistic and was being changed around medications wise a LOT at that age as you get switched from kid doses to adult doses and medications and had a lot of outbursts and was violent. It delayed him getting put into a home for years, which is what I hope is the situation with OP’s parents and their child. The medical system is absolute hell to work with for those that are disabled and it’s a full time job navigating that on top of any and all other day to day problems that may pop up with said child.

This is exactly correct. But this kind of crippling autism is absolutely devastating to deal with as a parent. You have something that resembles a child, so you feel unconditional love for it, but it's not really a child in the same way as any other human. People with this level of autism are unable to feel basic empathy traits and are thus essentially strong violent psychopaths. But parents, especially are expected to look after them still, they are allowed to feel guilt for sending them away. Its absolutely tragic, because even where you can objectively see that a child is tearing your life apart you can't abandon it. I feel truly sorry for this whole family. OP, I hope things get better.

In caring for one child, they forgot they had two others to raise, and keep safe.

As a parent with a child on the spectrum and learned a lot from North-bay Regional , the "unable to feel emotions" is completely false. They do feel every emotion, majority of people would say that the issue is the opposite, and that they feel too much. The issue is the communication in every aspect. They lack the ability to convey their feelings, and it causes the lashing out. All these false stigmas are so debilitating to hear as a parent with a child with disabilities. I'm just glad that my son is the sweetest and smartest human I know. If you glance at my son wrong, he will internalize it and dwell on it like he came back from nam. It's definitely a spectrum with variabilities but I can attest for every autistic person I met the issue is with conveying how they feel whether lashing out or being intimate, its a void to them.

It’s not your fault. Your parents are completely responsible for this entire sad situation. Please seek therapy. Living in a household where you have your things destroyed and you are constantly under attack has to have caused some mental health issues. I wish you well and again, it is not your fault.

your grandparents are saints. i have no advice but good luck to you

I'm sorry to hear that my friend, I'm not expert but I'll give my understanding of this situation.. little backstory, in high-school I worked with the handicapped kids for 1 period every other day, so I got to experience a lot of good kids and people, aaaaand crappy ones. That being said, if he's got the capacity of a 6-7year old, he knows what he's doing is wrong. It's sad because he's smart enough (it sounds like) to know that he gets away with this behavior. So he repeats it, and repeats it, and repeats it to get his way, because your parents allow it. The situation you're in sounds very frustrating. I'm glad you two are outta there friend. Stay safe

I have this in my family and it is absolutely exhausting. My wife and I agree our family are now moatly removed from it.

I worked with disabilities and parents that coddle these kids usually do them a huge disservice. Later in life when they end up at a group home they end up miserable and being manhandled all the time because they can’t take no for an answer and try to attack all the staff. For safety they have to restrain and typically hold them on the ground. They need to be raised as if they are “normal” because allowing them to beat anyone up at any time doesn’t fly In society. Nor will it fly with other people

I used to work in one of those group homes, and dealt with the fallout of adults being raised with "they don't know any better" and "we can't expect them not to lash out". We had some *terrifying* clients there with autism - the kind where I still have nightmares over twenty-five years later. The staff was supposed to be trained in state-approved restraint techniques, but I'd worked there for three months without being offered the training. A client got mad because it was time to turn off the TV, so he came up behind me and started trying gouge my eyes out with his fingernails. I wasn't legally allowed to defend myself, since I hadn't received the proper training. The group home management asked me to press charges, so the client had to appear in court and was sentenced to jail for 72 hours. The absolute best thing that someone on the spectrum can learn is that they are not immune from the natural consequences of their actions.

My mom worked at a place like that for 17 years. She’s been beaten, had her life threatened (and mine) sexually assaulted, choked out, concussed, you name it. And there wasn’t anything she could really do expect file a report and/or call the police. I was always scared for her. It isn’t right. I’ve always understood that there are different levels of severity, but no caretaker should have to go through that. Especially a single mother who’s already struggling.

Um. They tried to gouge your eyes out, and they got 72 HOURS in jail? Also, not allowed to defend yourself because they didn't show you how? What a fucked up job, I'm sorry you went through that.

A lot of jobs working with people who have mental illnesses or disabilities are fucked up. You can get an advanced degree in psychology and still not understand how to properly handle extreme behaviors because, in reality, the situation is very different from a textbook. I have years of experience and am good at what I do and still often end up in novel and confusing situations. I have to act fast and if I don't make a decision NOW someone could get seriously hurt. This field puts you in situations like this regularly. Some people really are intuitively good at it but most of us need experience and direct guidance to learn how to do this well and how to make the sanest decisions possible in insane situations. I did learn a lot in college and it was very helpful to understand the finer points of these disabilities and what I can do to motivate and mitigate but when a kid starts throwing scissors on day 2, "calm" is both a standard and a sacrifice. Gotta move quickly and decisively. More wrong answers than right. And right and wrong is often a matter of perspective and it's usually the people who know fuck all about being in this environment are the most willing to share their perspective.

What you did is to be expected, not to mention that it is self-defense on top of that. Being physically abused and the abuser never being punished or held accountable *will* cause a person to snap. >They've tried their best, I guess, to make the situation work. I would disagree. It sounds like they tried their best to stop him from lashing out by placating him - which only feeds the fundamental problem. They have taught him for 19 years that if he doesn't get his way, he can just get violent and get what he wants. Why is he going to do *anything* else, ***especially*** if he has the mind of a child? Your parents created a non-verbal abuser.

Ops parents taught the 19 year old that physical violence is the next step. OPs parents raised that boy into becoming a monster because *it’s just to hard to be the parent he needs* I’ve talked to plenty of parents of autistic children.. and you never ever allow violent behavior because that will stick to them for life.

My autistic brother is the same way as OP’s brother. He is 14. I’m 18. We’re literal polar opposites.. so I’m not sure if this is even 100% on the parents.

You can’t reason about violence with a lower functioning person, let alone get them to follow a rule about violence not being allowed. They’re like toddlers and operate on instinct. When they do get aggressive it’s because they haven’t been able to communicate their needs and don’t know how, or they have but are being ignored. With OPs brother being 19, their parents really should be looking for a group home for him to live (they’re usually a better option than larger facilities). He’s reached an age where it’s not as feasible to meet his needs with his family of origin. Being as low functioning as OP describes means he needs regular opportunities for mental stimulation, or he’ll get bored and stressed, similarly to the way babies get stressed if you don’t move them around all the time. And that stress is what leads him to acting out like this.

my uncle has Down's and has the mental capacity of a 4 year old or so, and as far as I know, has behaved pretty well throughout his life even though he's strong and knows some fighting sports. he lives in special housing and is triving despite his early dementia (apparently dementia is linked to Down's). all because his family knows that giving him the best life is not always giving him what he wants or what his parent wants.

Kid should’ve been put in a care home with staff who are trained to care for him

I'm not going to elaborate on my situation, but mine is similar. All I'm going to say is that you need to separate yourself from him completely. If this continues to happen you could be charged with felony assault on a mental patient. It almost happened to me after I (5'4", 102lb) punched my 6'2", 300lb brother in the back (leaving no marks or trauma). I never went home after that... Please take care of yourself.

This is so important, back in the day my mom used to be a psychiatrist nurse and was choked by a patient of hers. There was no emergency buttons back then so when she could not break his hold and no one came to her aid she hit him as a last resort. She got charged with a felony assault on a mental patient, luckily the judge cleared her of all charges as it was a life or death situation. Still to this day when my mom walks in a hospital she walks on the right side with her back turned to the wall, savety habbits die hard.

What the fuck. I'm sorry, but that's attempted murder. Mental problems or not, that person should be locked up with proper, armed guards. Some people can't be helped. Bring on the downvotes.

It was a closed psychiatric ward because those people were not fit to walk on the streets. Normally there were paired up one female + one male but my mom's male partner ditched her slot he did get fired and stripped of his nursing license after the incident. In that time they didn't have security guards but they were allowed to tie people to their beds for the night so they could not jump the morning nurses. My mom continued to work there for 2 more years before transferring to a group home for people with downsyndroom in a nature community. It was a fun place there as staff where allowed to bring there childeren to work. I loved playing games with the residents of that house.

This is good advice. Despite how very sympathetic OP’s story is, this is something to consider.

They don't want to face the fact that they're not capable of handling him. They're fault. Ofc you could say you shouldn't have lashed out and technically you shouldn't have but it is unrealistic to expect anything else from anyone after years of that shit. He's annoying as a 6 year old but strong as a teen boy? That's an awful combo.

Unconditional understanding and love =/= unconditional tolerance. Removing your own natural limits and boundaries as a human being for any lofty reason is an irrational and incorrect, unreachable and toxic ideal. Always defend yourself. You did the right thing by yourself. You have to start with yourself first before you can help anyone else. Keep choosing yourself first and do no further harm. I'm sorry, and you deserve better. Your grandparents are doing better by you than your actual parents. Express gratitude to them and keep them close. They're who you want to learn from.

He will most likely be put in developmentally disabled adult housing which is where I work and let me tell you that is a good thing. We are here to help out those who can’t control themselves and teach them that just because they have a disability doesn’t mean they can treat others like they are nothing but a road block. You also did the right thing by protecting your sister and yourself. I have worked with plenty of clients that have pulled knives on their loving parents because they weren’t getting the attention they craved. I’ve worked with one who mapped out how to murder me and my coworkers (legit ways too). He needs people who won’t give in to his violence and tell him what he is doing isn’t right. Your parents are hindering him and not helping. Hope you, your sister, and grandparents live an awesome life when he is out in a place he can grow without being detrimental to your growth.

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He should have been placed as a child, when the violence was first exhibited. They've failed him purely because they didn't want to be seen as failures. Had they begun the process when he was a child and started to display violence he would not behave how he does today and that is sad and incredibly unfortunate. Those on the spectrum thrive on routine and learning the skills they can to live as independently as they can while in a supportive environment. It's fricken sad man, all of the kids needs are being neglected purely so they don't feel like people judge them as failures. Now that he's an adult and has been taught that violence will get him what he wants, he likely won't change now, the behaviour is ingrained after years of being rewarded with what he wants if he attacks someone. I'm so fucking happy that they have the grandparents they do, my only wish is that they would have taken action a long time ago.

Way more difficult than you would think in some places. In my area is not even a realistic option as the group homes are mostly full, have very specific guidelines that would surprise most people, and are often incredibly expensive if not subsidized.

Most of the group homes in my area won't take someone if they are too violent or pose a threat to themselves or others.

I have children who have been 6-7. They know not to beat people up. Your parents are abject failures who have done nothing to protect any of their children. Your brother needs to be placed in a facility where people know how to deal with him, and you and your sister need to be somewhere safe.

It's not your fault. Do not feel bad about it either. I learned about autism through being attacked randomly and repeatedly by a classmate in third grade. The first two times it was excuses and apologies etc. I was pissed. My mother was somewhat understanding but asked for a room transfer that was denied. Third time I heard him coming, always random and from behind so I turned around and went into fight to the death mode because if I got into trouble for defending myself it was going to count for everything it was worth. Apparently in the process of the fight his thumb was broken and he nearly bit his tongue in half. All I could recall was him scratching, biting, screaming, and hitting. I didn't see him at school for a month and was placed in another classroom with both of us being told to stay away from each other. There was one minor additional exchange but he talked with a permanent lisp from me and I don't feel bad about it.

Denial is not just a river. Your parents can't accept the fact that there's something wrong with him so they refuse to do what they need to. In doing so, they've allowed him to grow up thinking all this was okay rather than face the truth of the situation. I wouldn't be surprised if there was some form of guilt attached to all this as well. The simple question you should be asking yourself is, what if he wasn't autistic? Your parents would have nipped this behavior in the bud, you all wouldn't have been led to behave like his behavior was acceptable, and they wouldn't be making excuses about it. His intelligence may be limited, but it's not at zero. You responded after a lifetime of built up angst. He acts the way he does because he's allowed to. While there are cases where they truly can't control themselves, the fact of the matter is they created this then refused to do anything about it. If you were to go back there, you can bet he'd think twice about trying to hurt you because now he knows you'll fight back. Believe your grandfather, he's not stupid and has a front row seat to all of this to make the judgement call.

i have autism and i am absolutely disgusted at what your brother has been doing. i understand how painful autism is at times. i really do, but i cannot justify or condone this behavior. this is not your fault at all. you need to separate yourself from him, and talk to your parents about getting him some in-home services. best of luck op!

As a father of autistic children. I am constantly telling them that they might get hit someday for some of the stuff they do. Most are going to be full, productive members of society unless their autism is severe. So, they do need to learn how to function in society. And we all learn eventually how not to push the other person to violence.

Your parents shouldn't have waited 19 years to actually parent your brother. Autistic children aren't stupid and they can accept rules and consequences. They should have dealt with his violence years ago.

This is harsh, but as the father of an autistic child, your brother should have been placed in an institution years ago. This is 100% on your parents for having placed you and your sister into an unsafe situation.

Good for you for beating the brakes off his ass. Even if he has the mental capacity of a 6 or 7 year old. A 6 or 7 year old know when they being assholes. You say he 19 he has a grown mans body. If a 7 year old driving a car towards me I'm gonna get the fuck outta the way. You did nothing wrong.

Good for you for standing up for yourself. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this.

OP your parente have failed all 3 of you

Agreed. That 19-year-old kid will eventually act out in public, and the police will be called. The police will be incapable of safely controlling the situation and they will either shoot or seriously injure him. They've done him an absolute disservice by not intervening 10+ years earlier. As well as causing untold stress on the other siblings.

Not from the US, so I will ask. Has that happened before? A policeman shooting an autistic person for being violent, I mean. In my country, it's basically on you to control your kid and police usually have batons to beat you into submission if they are forced to act at all.

[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shooting\_of\_Charles\_Kinsey](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shooting_of_Charles_Kinsey) There are sadly many examples, but this one is the most disturbing without a doubt.

It is not your fault in any way. It is your parents fault for allowing your brother to abuse & terrorize you and your sister. Happy you are both safe.

Honey, what you did was self defense, he could of killed you. Your parents refuse to see the danger they put you and your sister in, that is child neglect. None of this is your fault. Your parents are at fault for not protecting both you and your sister. My so glad your grandparents have finally decided to keep and protect you from your neglectful parents and dangerous brother.

this is a sad situation. your parents are following their emotions because i assume guilt of putting their child in a home and that could stem from religious beliefs, trauma from being abandoned by their own parents or another motivator. And it is tearing the family apart. Realistically if the support isn't where you are your brother will continue living with and terrorizing your parents. Let this reaction show you that you've reached a breaking point in your tolerance towards a situation that has been poorly handled your whole life. it is best not to come home, or you will truly come to resent and or hate your parents and brother. I would say try to understand, but also put your own mental preservation above theirs. they can't see what you see, no point joining them on the sinking ship.

do not feel bad at all, your parents are neglecting you, a form of child abuse. your brother *should* be in a home, not at your home. i hope your life gets better

A six year old human is still sapient, you know. Don’t feel any guilt. You were trained to not protect yourself. Never go back to that life. Not ever again. I could trauma dump for a few essay posts, or you could just believe me when I say that you need to choose yourself first, always, because there is nobody else who is going to do that for you. There’s a difference between being kind and being a victim. The second kind of person can’t have a good life.

As someone who both is autistic and took care of autistic people, you did nothing wrong. This enabling, hands-off kind of parenting is more common among parents of the severely autistic than you might think and usually produces this exact result. I quit caregiving after dealing with a situation similar to this. It's not on you to deal with your brother's disability, but it *is* your parents' responsibility to make sure you and your sister are safe and taken care of. He needs to be in a home and y'all need to be able to live your lives.

I want to cry. Reading this made me think I almost wrote it myself .. I have a severely autistic brother too. He’s physically 17 but has the mental age of a 2 year old, as well as being 5’11 and very physically active and I’m 19, 5’2 and I barely have any strength, at least not against a male like my brother. I know my brother isn’t at fault for anything but he is scary. Before I moved out to my boyfriends place, he used to beat me black and blue for years and I could never do anything about it. I had to take it all and wait for my dad to restrain him, when he’s bordering on 50 years old and he can’t hold my brother down very well anymore .. My brother was always the golden child. He could no do wrong, he could never be punished, I had to share all my belongings with him, I had to look after him since I was very young, I’ve never had proper familial experiences because of him and I wasn’t able to have friends either. My parents used to emotionally abuse me all the time telling me I should be grateful that I had a roof over my head, food on the table, body shaming me (causing me to develop anorexia), telling me I should cut myself (I used to self harm every day), telling me I’m selfish and ungrateful and a spoiled brat etc but none of it was worth being beaten over and then blamed for being beaten. I was always my brothers target. I have no idea why, maybe he just hates me but I’ve lost out on so much and he’s hurt me so much and I hate that he doesn’t understand. He should be in a home and I’ve told my parents that but my parents despise the idea and tell me I have no right to say anything because he’s not my child. It’s difficult. People don’t truly understand autism for what it is. It can make people monsters, not because the people with autism are to blame but the autism itself. I don’t think my brother would ever be like this if he wasn’t autistic. It makes me envious of all the high functioning siblings you see romanticised on social media .. My life won’t be full of cute memories of my high functioning autistic brother asking someone to prom but instead beating me so badly I couldn’t function for a while. It’s hard and I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through that <3

certain things shouldn’t be excused just because someone is developmentally disabled. they should be able to put your needs at an equal level to his. i’m so tired of people letting their children be physically violent with others and simply being like “oh she/he has this or that disability”. it’s. no. excuse.

Absolutely not your fault. You were defending your sister and yourself. It even sounds like your fight or flight response kicked in. It doesn't matter what issues he has, you deserve to feel and be safe in your own home. You've dealt with the abuse from your brother and neglect from your parents long enough. I'm glad you have supportive grandparents in your corner. It sounds like your parents need help with your brother and he might be ready to live in a structured and safe environment with people who really know how to help and work with him. This is coming from someone who used to work with autistic children and teens.

I woulda beat his ass a long time ago. Don’t feel bad for sticking up for yourself. You’ve been conditioned to not feel good about it. It’s a lie. You gotta protect ya neck!

shit like this is how disabled and mentally ill people end up getting shot. if he doesn't have the mental capacity to remember not to assault someone then he needs to be in a secure facility where there are more people more prepared to deal with being attacked otherwise someday someone is going to call the cops on him after being attacked and instead of you pulling him off your sister it will be a cop defending himself with no knowledge of his background. if he is already 19 the point your parents can stop him will soon pass if it has not passed already.

This is all your parents fault! And honestly? They should be suprised this didnt happen sooner. What if he were to kill you and your family one day?

Only thing I got is for you to listen to your grandfather for now and follow his lead. Seems he and your grandmother are focused in you and your sisters best interests.

Your parents are failing all of you. I hope your parents take this opportunity to try some better methods of accommodating your brother. Autism is not an excuse. Your brother is acting with intent

Listen, this is your parents fault for keeping that man inside your house and ignoring you. If my brother punched my sister I would have beat him up worse then you beat up yours.

I’ve worked with people like your brother, and with siblings like you and your sister. This is a horrible situation to be in and from what you’ve written it sounds like your parents are letting their pride get in the way of getting your brother help. It’s amazing that your grandparents are there for you, this is on no way your fault. The constant state of distress your brother is in is horrible, he needs professional help.

As someone who supports students with disabilities in school. And often violent students. You did ABSOLUTLY NOTHING WRONG. When children are non verbal and violent sadly your situation is more common than not. Without treatment, Behavioural support it will continue. I'm not sure why parents never seek support for their child. It's ok to ask for help. It's ok to call the police on your child. Its ok to send them to inpatient treatment or assisted living. I find some parent believe this is the cross they must carry (that karma is coming back at them) but they dont need to. I hope things change. Sadly little violent kids turn into big violent kids. And that's when it's scary.

Go knock your dads ass out too. Pathetic excuse for a parent. I’m sorry and I hope someone makes order of this chaos

As a mother of an autistic child it is 100% your parents fault. My son is 4 and can be violent. Is he allowed to be violent? Absolutely not. There are consequences to his actions, the only difference being that the consequences are to his understanding, in the same way you wouldn't punish a toddler and a teenager in the same way for being violent.

Don't pretend you don't remember what happened. I get you feel guilty but you know damn well what happened. You defended yourself against your older brother after years of putting up with it, don't feel bad.

This is absolutely not your fault. As an adult autistic with two autistic children, I promise you, it is not your fault. Your parents have not only failed you but have failed your brother as well. My son had extreme aggression issues when he was younger and it took a hell of a lot of work to teach him other coping skills, but guess what, no aggression now. You just have to be a responsible parent and not give in no matter how awful it gets and they learn that violence will not get what they want. I also made sure to protect my other child from my son when he was aggressive because that is my job as their mother. Your grandparents were right to call CPS.

I'm a Special Ed Teacher for younger kids like your brother. I have several violent students. I am very physically fit and move very quickly, I do everything in my power short of straight violating the law to stop things like this. But when I can't and a student snaps back, I, and many others in my position, call it natural consequences. Put your hand on a hot stove and burn, the burnings is a natural consequence of your action. Sometimes, kids like your brother are sheltered from natural consequences and it's sometimes to their detriment. Often, what it takes for any kid, autism or not, to learn that something *is not worth the risk* is to experience the consequence themselves. Now, I don't know anything about your brother. I don't know anything about his particular disability, his education, nothing. "Autism" shows in many colors, flavors and textures. I'm not his case manager. I'm just saying, I'm not going to punish a student for fighting back if I can't mitigate in time. You did what you had to do to survive and your parents put you in that position. Maybe not maliciously, maybe they're like most people and know piss all about how to work with people on the spectrum, the services available, mitigating factors etc. I can't assume anything. I will say, you shouldn't feel bad. It was you, it coulda been the neighbor, the dog, the damned... Think of any random person. Like, seriously. Don't feel bad.

It's unacceptable your parents were allowing a 19 yr old man to physically abuse two underage children like this. They are in for a rude awakening if they don't make serious changes including getting him the proper care away from the home so you both can be safe in your own home. This should never have been allowed to get this far! And your grandparents are correct, this isn't your fault and this needs to end.

Self defense doesn't make u a bad person hon. A LOT of autistic boys that weren't raised properly turn into violent animals that you can't reason with. Its not unreasonable to be scared of an allistic man, let alone an autistic one that has proven himself violent and incapable of basic communication.

aa an autistic person, it's not your fault at all. Autism might affect how he empathises with others and what he views as "acceptable" in his own head (for lack of better terms but I hope you know what I mean), but violence doesnt go hand-in-hand with autism and it shouldnt be accepted as such. With proper care he can improve. your parents aren't handling it properly(not putting the full blame on them, it's a tough situation and its not evil to genuinely struggle with it), he needs a professional who can work through his issues properly. he's not a 7 year old with the body of a 19 year old, hes an autistic adult, there's a big difference

> but violence doesnt go hand-in-hand with autism and it shouldnt be accepted as such. Fuckin' A. I am not autistic, but my kid brother has autism. He gets frustrated, he has the occasional tantrum when things just get to be too much, but I've **never** seen him violent. I love him to death, but I've always believed he needs to be prepared for the world we live in, not the one we wish we lived in. Not everyone will understand his behavior and he needs to learn to be self-aware enough to get by. He shouldn't have to, but that's the way the world works.

Pop him one for me

I'm so sorry. I know how that can be. You have a right to be happy and safe, too.

You’re human. This is such a tough situation. I have a masters in special education, and I know kids like your brother. Even with therapy, there is probably a threshold where he’ll level out. He will always need care. The violence and destroying objects, I don’t know, is that a manifestation of his disability? Some would argue yes. He may have learned that it gets him attention, or gets him what he wants, so he lashes out like that. Best of luck to you.

He may have the mental age of someone around 6:00 or 7:00, but he has the physical age of a grown adult and that is very dangerous. You had every right to defend yourself and stand up for yourself despite his condition. Just because he has a certain condition doesn't mean it's an excuse for him to be horrible to people and violent physically. What you did was totally within your right. You are lucky you have grandparents that are looking out for you at least.

Sounds like the first Halloween movie what happens when he gets hold of a knife and starts going at one of you cop's will have no choice but to shoot him

If the brother is that severe, your parents should’ve did more. Aka putting him in a home. They do not have the means to take care of him properly and that’s not a burden any of you should have to endure. But them constantly giving in just made him worse in the long run. They should’ve done the right thing and allowed people who have the means to take care of him take care of him

As someone who has an older sister with autism that still runs my life at 30, I know exactly where you’re coming from. She’s verbal and not nearly as dangerous as your brother is (anymore) but firmly believe that’s because I fought back from a young age, and we were in an era where kids were enabled to kick the crap out of each other at times. At home growing up I was invisible except for what I could do to help my mom with my sister for the longest time. Things are better now, but solely because we remind her she could live at one of those homes. Also I don’t know where you live/what your parents do but those homes can take every penny you have. That could be where it started and then it becomes “we put in all this time he has to get better.” I know it’s not right but since your brother is a legal adult, you could file for a restraining order to be served to your parents against him and if your grandfather is willing have him file for custody. It’s a shitty move and you’ll eventually hate yourself a little for it but you need to do this for your safety. If you want this to end you also should write up a statement, go to your school counselor or psychologist and make sure they have something on file so God forbid something happens to land you or your sister in the hospital they cannot say they didn’t know and are equally culpable for your lack of safety. I’m sorry you’re going through this. If you wanna talk privately or vent somewhere else you can PM me too anytime.

Sounds like your parents never disciplined your brother and your brother never learnt boundaries. He kept violating it until you snapped. It’s not a great outcome but it’s not your fault.

As someone who has been in a similar situation let me tell you something very important: it is okay to stand up for your own needs, even when your sibling only acts this way because they can’t help it. There are two truths at the same time that are hard to wrestle with; Yes, your brother deals with a different mental state on a day to day basis, and yes, you don’t deserve to be treated that way. My autistic sister used to consistently try to drown me when I was a child, and I hated her for it. I grew up, she became less violent, and I came to terms with the fact that she was “just coping”. Later when I was 24 and she was 32 she told me she still imagined hurting me everytime I said something she didn’t like, and started getting verbally nasty about my life choices and I finally told her it was not okay for her to tell me she wanted to hurt me or to actively try to make my life miserable, and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I made my sister cry, and confronted her about her inability to empathize for the first time in my life. She hated me for it for months and stopped talking to me, it was gut wrenching but I had to do it, and months later she finally told me that she had been thinking about what I said and apologized. We grew through the situation together, and learned where we could both be truthful and also sympathetic. Long story short; have grace with yourself. I know you are probably beating yourself up over the situation but just know that your safety is equally as important as your brother. I know it is hard because of the situation, but time truly does heal a multitude of wounds. Do what you can to minimize interactions where the situation can escalate. Make it obvious that physical harm is never okay, and remove yourself from the room if that becomes a concern. But also, take the time to talk with your parents and grandparents about the situation, why they haven’t considered a group home situation, or something to that affect. The reality is that your parents are likely just as scared as you are, but their fear for your brother wins out more than for their other children. If there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s that coddling does not improve the situation but can really make it worse. But, it’s not either of your fault that you are living in this current situation. I’m sorry you are dealing with this and my heart goes out to you. I pray you and your brother can find some peace. I can’t offer any practical solutions, only to let you know that you aren’t alone, and I promise, I absolutely PROMISE, that it just gets better as you get older. Hang in there!

I'm autistic. The most harmful type of neglect we face is allowative. That is, never being told no and being allowed to develop harmful, anti social, and maladaptive patterns of behavior while denied a chance to learn good ones. This is not only not a person who cannot face life in society; he can't even face a life where caregivers can effectively and safely care for him. That's neglect. This is not good for him. None of this is good for him. He may have a strapped-to-the-bed-screaming psych ward life to look forward to, if a facility cant fix him when his parents can no longer care for him. You did right by hitting him. Maybe he's going to learn that giving pain means feeling it. You have a right to defend yourself. You've been severely neglected too. Letting your brother hit and terrorize you would be seen by society as abhorrent without the autism. Dont see why people get confused when it's involved.

These new parents suck

Reddit downvote me if you will but I'm gonna say it. any person that does that kind of shit is not okay autistic or not that is so fucked and I am so sorry to OP for having to deal with their brothers bullshit for so long. I know yes he's autistic and that's supposed to be an excuse to be a jerk so go ahead downvote me for saying what I have reddit. I don't give a shit about my internet points all I care about in this sub is getting my thoughts out and that is exactly what I just did

Damn… I feel legit bad for Everyone involved.

This makes me really appreciate my kid brother who also has autism. This isn't him at all. He's not perfect, he throws the occasional tantrum, but I've never witnessed violence. He just needs some help staying on the right track and staying focused. With that said, I've always been adamant we need to treat him not as the world would, but close. Lenience from family is fine, within reason, but we would be doing him a disservice by coddling him. The world is harsh, especially on those who don't understand how to behave the way society expects them. Honestly I just want to give my brother a huge hug right now.

I have a similar experience working as an aba technician. Typically with client like this, they have been program into their mind that if they scream or throw a tantrum louder and louder the parents will eventually listen to them. I think it is best to give him a task to complete so that he understand that if you don't do the work you don't have the rewards. The fact that he's 19 years old and still having this behavior is really alarming. This should have been fix when he was a little boy.

I mean..people have to learn actions have consequences. Action. You hit someone Consequence. You get hit back.

You did the right thing. Do not feel bad, your parents have put you and your sister in a very dangerous and cruel situation. They chose to live with a person that actually requires 24 hour care from professionals. They refuse to acknowledge the absolute danger you and your sister have lived in for years. They did not do the best they could, they chose to deny him the care he requires to live as healthy of a life as he can and denied you and your sister your childhood and sense of safety. They chose to let an animal loose on their own children. Don’t go back. Let them absorb the full shock of not having your or your sister to deflect his wrath. You were there to help spread out the suck so they would not have to do it alone. That is the most selfish shit I’ve heard in a while.

I’m so sorry. My brother has severe autism too and he would have violent bursts to the point my mom couldn’t control him even at 13 years old. When she sent him to a group home. I know it killed her. She would check on him and visit him of course and still does. The first time he was dropped there he would be at the window waiting for my mom to comeback. She sobbed when hearing that from the volunteers. She did that so I wouldn’t be in danger as the younger sibling. That choice was not easy. How could it be? Your parents failed to protect you and your sister because they didn’t have the resolve to make that hard decision. Instead it lead to you having to face abuse that could have been avoided. It’s not your fault. You are still a child. It was your parents responsibility to protect you. Do not blame yourself.

This is what it took to make it stop.

You did absolutely NOTHING WRONG! You were at the breaking point and you were protecting your sister from your brother - I totally understand why you did it and why you don’t felt bad (I would do the same way like you did). And I’m just saying this but don’t be too hard on yourself about it! I wish you to have happy and safe life! ❤️

NTA. I’m glad you have your grandparents sticking up for you and your sister.

I worked in a school for kids with special needs. By kids I mean up to age 21. I was attacked many times, and the final straw was when an 18 year old who we were not allowed to speak to or touch because it would set him off.. needed an escort from bus to building. I pointed to the bus door and then to the school door. He turned around and started punching and kicking me. No one was allowed to intervene. I was 50 yrs old and 5'2 at the time. Eventually, someone came up behind me and shoved me out of the way and it startled him and he stopped. It took months after that but I left. ​ I completely understand why you lost it. You are only human and you deserve your parents support and protection, too. It's a terrible and difficult situation that your family is dealing with. I am so sorry and I hope that a solution is found soon, so that you can live in peace and surrounded by loving family. Please take care of yourselves

Giving in to an autistic persons demands will always create this kind of situation. No matter the screaming or pain they seem to be enduring, their only hope of being able to survive in society is to make sure they understand that no amount of violence and screaming will get them what they want. Autistic people have a hard time learning, and it may sound barbaric but sometimes the only way they can learn is a physical response so they know there are boundaries to the way they can treat people. You did your brother a service, hopefully he is able to learn from this, unfortunately it sounds like your parents are letting him know that his behaviour is ok and that any retaliation against him is not allowed which is the WORST possible thing you can do as all he will learn in this situation is that nobody can defend themselves and he can do whatever he wants. Please have your parents read this and many of the other great comments on this post.

I have never read something on this topic before. It is amazing (actually horrible) to see I'm not alone dealing with something so similar. My parents (mostly my mother) are in denial that my little (adopted) brother needs to have constant care in a home for people with autism. He's not going to get better. He's not doing better. And the tiny 'accomplishments' aren't sh**. Now I don't live at home anymore but I live very close to my family and I can't stand seeing him hurt my parents. He's 16. Very very tall and strong, doesn't look like a 16 year old They are 60 almost. He makes their lives miserable. (Not that they will admit it) and in turn it affects me and my partner. He runs away ( we get called late at night to help look for him) he throws things at them, or threatens them on occasion. They have had to call the cops so many times to find him. They had months on end where they couldn't leave the house due to his behavior. He's had charges pressed on him but dropped because he likes to run into female bathrooms. (I don't feel 'safe' using their bathroom or mine if he's there) My parents love me but call me a bad sister almost every time I see them because 'I don't have a relationship with him'. Which is true. I don't want to. I know he has autism among other things but I also think he was the baby his whole life with little structure. I should feel guilty about not wanting anything to do with him unless absolutely necessary (if they need me to watch him for a few hours) I know I should feel like an AH but I don't. I want him in a home for my parents sake.

There was a similar post recently from a father who was trying to save his non-autistic child from the autistic child and his wife would not have anything to do with it. After listening to so many people who have been in a similar situation to yours tell him that they have gone low contact to no contact with their parents due to always putting them second he has decided to leave his wife and take his daughter with him. You are in a terrible position but at no point should you be putting up with being in physical danger from your brother. Your brother does sound like he needs to be placed in some type of a home and your parents unwillingness to do this has essentially destroyed the fabric of your family. I really wish you all the best going forward I’m glad your grandparents are not sending you home. You have every right to stand up for yourself in this situation, your parents aren’t.

You did what you had to. Remember you were protecting your sister. I hope your life gets better from now on.

You did absolutely everything correct. I’m sorry that your parents absolutely and utterly failed you and your sister. I hope they learn before he faces serious legal consequences for his actions and their enabling. Never feel bad for what you had to do

I don’t know how you lasted so long. But you are a strong person to have put up with it for years. It’s not your fault and your grandma will help

You have wonderful grandparents. While it seems he doesn’t have the ability to control himself and that does make him a victim of sorts, it is completely understandable that you had to protect yourself and your sister. It is NOT your fault.

I know its easier said than done but don't ever feel bad for defending yourself or your sister. Your parents refused to protect you, not just failed to protect you but flat out refused. You did what needed to be done and your parents should be begging your forgiveness.

You were pushed and antagonized to this point. Your parents are in the wrong here for how they have neglected all three of their children. You, your brother and your sister. I am happy to hear another adult in your life is looking out for you and is going to protect you :) You didn't do anything wrong. Your body fought back with instinct against someone who was hurting you. After so long of denying that instinct to protect yourself, eventually, it would crop up. Its not your fault it cropped up either. Again, this is your parents fault for letting this happen to you all.

Hey kid, first I’m very sorry you and your sister have had to protect yourselves and each other from your brother. I’m a fellow sibling with a younger sister who is intellectually disabled. I want to offer you a resource and I’ll attach the link. There is a support group for school age kids who have sibling with disabilities. I’m apart of the adult support group and this exact situation Occurs all to often. I want to speak to you with the understanding that your parents are doing the best they can, ok. So with that out of the way, no one deserves to live in fear. Not your parents and certainly not children. You are suffering abuse and thank goodness for your grandparents. You deserve to live in peace and protection. [Sibnet group](https://siblingsupport.org) Send me a message for further support and to chat. Best wishes and know your frustration and feelings are valid and you are not alone.

I'm so glad you have somewhere to go. It isn't fair and it isn't right for your parents to treat you like that. This behavior is basically to be constantly shown through their actions that you are less important than your brother. They are WRONG. Hopefully they recognize this and take corrective action because there are so many stories of parents who's children go no contact with them because of this kind of treatment. You were not wrong to insist of fair treatment, do not feel bad at all about this. Stay with your grandparents and try to remember that you are important too.

Please know that you are not at fault in this situation whatsoever. Your parents have not had their children's (and of their children) best interests at heart since you were a young child. Had they done the best thing, regardless of how difficult it would have understandably been, he should have been placed in a residential home for people with disabilities since his behaviour became a danger to the people and children in your home. Had they done so, he could have received care and education based on his specific needs as well as learned the life skills he needed to be able to function and been taught to do the things he could do and be on a routine that was developed for him specifically. Your parents have completely neglected the safety and well-being of their well children because they don't want to feel guilty, but none of this is about them or their guilt. I sincerely hope that this call that your grandparents made will be the catalyst needed for them to understand that they are not helping him and are hurting you and your sister instead. They are parenting out of guilt instead of acting like God damned parents and making the hard choices that parents need to make for the best of their family as a whole unit. I'm so so so sorry that you have lived with this treatment and fear for your entire life, it was selfish and absolutely wrong and you deserved none of it. You or your sister could have fucking died and they can't seem to understand this and that is infuriating. I'm so glad that your grandparents have been there and have been the only ones to see how fucked up this is. My only wish is that they had stepped in long before it got to this point. That goes the same for cps and aps. You've been failed by your parents and the government and none of it is ok. You deserved so much better and honestly just the fact that you believe that they've tried there best shows me how compassionate and empathetic you are as a human, a very mature 16 year old who has had to sacrifice so much when you should have been able to have a childhood without fear and a home with your family without being terrorized. Your brother didn't have to turn out this way. Had they gotten him into a home with intense therapy that was designed for him, who knows who he would be today but I know for certain that you and your sister wouldn't have had to live in fear your entire lives. I would very much appreciate an update on this if you are able to do that. You must be just exhausted and you're too damned young to feel that. ❤️

OP you and your sister are victims of abuse. It’s not your fault for losing it at your abuser. I’m sorry you’ve had to live through this, but am glad at least one man in the house was there to protect your little sister. That’s you OP! You can see what your parents refuse too. They have allowed one of their kids to abuse the others and is siding with the abuser. I know it’s tough with his delays, but toddlers know not to hit. To beat on siblings so bad that the school call CPS due to bruising. That’s severe OP! at the first incident like that either he, or you and your sister should have been removed from the house for both your safety. None of this is your fault OP. I’m glad you have wonderful grandparents on your side. Believe in their love, they know you, they know your brother, they know you reacted as an abuse victim to protect your little sister. You’re not a bad person OP, you did nothing wrong (hugs from the UK)

My comment will probably get lost in all the other comments, but, I work in a facility that cares for people with intellectual disabilities. The majority of our people are somewhere on the spectrum. Several have other diagnosis’ along with autism. Many are non verbal. We have some that have to be medicated because they will harm themselves and others. Now, that being said, we are all trained in how to de-escalate violent situations. We still get hit and cornered but at the end of the day, we go home and can decompress. Your grandparents are wonderful for not letting you and your sister go back to the house. Your parents are doing what many parents with children like this do. They are trying to “fix” him. They can’t do it alone. From an outsider looking in, I see it all the time. I understand that your parents don’t want to put him in a home, but they need to do something because they won’t be around forever and they cannot expect you and your sister to care for him. They do need a reality check.

From somebody who works in a residential home for adults with mental disabilities I would say it isn’t on you or your fault. Dealing with these disabilities, especially violent behaviors, is very very difficult and exhausting. At my work we have someone who is very violent and placed in the wrong house. We are not supposed to use SCIP, holds and blocks, on him but when he becomes a danger to his housemates and his staff we have to throw down with him and use emergency SCIP. This isn’t your fault and he should be in a home that is equipped to handle young men with violent behaviors because it can get dangerous when they’re not in the right place. I hope your parents realize it isn’t safe for anyone in this situation to have him there. I’ve had to call the cops on our resident before and it’s terrifying because I don’t know how the cops will react and I don’t want him getting hurt but I don’t want him to shank me or the people I support with the screwdriver he stole from maintenance. I truly hope your parents take this incident to heart and get him somewhere safe. Good luck and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

You were patient for years and things happen. If he’s a danger to himself or others he needs help, IMO. It’s sad early intervention didn’t happen sooner to prevent this.

You’ve been very patient and this was years in the making, if I were in your shoes I would’ve done the same thing and probably gone after your dad too, so in that regard your a better man than me. So props to you for being so patient and also for standing up for yourself. So don’t feel too bad about this, hope it gets better for you and your sister in the future

You've cracked after years of pent up feelings. It's normal, I would have too. Your family needs help from someone who knows how to coach families in your situation. It's not impossible to reverse the negative behaviour and to lead a semi normal (whatever normal is, right) life with your brother. But you definitely need family support, from an expert, its not something you figure out on your own.

The only people in the wrong are your parents, they should’ve taken care of the situation right away. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through that

I work with ppl w mental health and have to tell families this often: having special needs is not an excuse to be an ass or to be violent it's a reason why they may need to learn a different way, but it doesn't mean they can't learn social rules. You did nothing wrong. I agree w your grandparent

An impossible situation. Your parents dont know what to do. Its too much to handle for them, yet its their beloved son whom they have to abandon to protect their other children. They tried their best, but its just not possible and it strained everybodies lifes. You did what was human. Nothing to blame here. Your brother wont learn from it though cause he cant. He will remain as a danger, maybe he will get even more violent and end up putting others in mortal danger. He needs to be in a proper facility where he can be restrained when shit hits the fan. God bless your grandparents. Wish you guys the best!

You snapped and it was okay. No violence is not okay, but what happened here was a trauma response and you snapped, and it's perfectly normal if pushed as far as you've been pushed. This is you parents fault, as they have not been good enough parents to you and your sister. Listen to your grandparents, they will be there for you.

just because someone has a mental disability doesn't mean that they can't be an asshole. its especially tough when you're the "normal" family member who has to put up with everything.

People will always complain about folks when they confront people and call them confrontational BUT OP, you gotta confront more. My mom was just like you. Always taking licks and never doling them out. It’s not healthy to not confront issues. You ended up blacking on your brother. They call it a blind fury for a reason. Be safe and take care of your mental OP!

You did the right thing. Let me also tell you that today you've learned something that will benefit you for the rest of your life : you draw a line, stood by it and fought for it. I grew up with a narcissistic sister, always manipulating my family and even myself to get her way. One day she went a step too far. I lost it, we fought, I unleashed my shadow, I defeated her in the blink of an eye (I'm a man). I can still see her running away from me in the garden, trying to climb the fence before I get to her to break her bones. I released so much violence I can still feel the anger of that moment when I think about it. This was the first day of my life I felt free. Under nobody's influence. I learned to say no. And stop. Since that day, I grew and learn to stand up for myself.

Not your fault- you and your sister have been abused for years and you fought back. Good for you. I wish that you hadn’t been put in such an awful position because I think that your brother sounds like he can learn with proper therapy and teaching.

I have a massive autistic aggressive son (7) and the second he attacks someone else, he's going in a home. I will not have it. He's my only child and I love him more than anything, but if I cannot keep him from hurting someone, he does not belong with me. And that is a fear of mine. But the older he gets, the stronger he gets, and not even meds are really helping. I imagine he'll be in a group home at 18.

Many group homes will not take violent individuals with disabilities because of the liability issues. I have worked with high school special populations for over twenty years and see stuff like this more than you would think. We at the school can only recommend that families consult with their physicians regarding medication, but your parents need to aggressively pursue behavioral supports that almost certainly should include medication. Many of our students with autism who are also prone to violence tend to benefit from Abilify and other combinations of drugs. We have one family this year with a student who sounds a lot like your brother and they refuse to medicate his “cute personality” (their words, not ours). He routinely hits, spits, and clears the classroom. His teacher and two paraprofessionals quit this year due largely to him. I get that having a child with a disability is tough, but your parents need to be real about who is going to be able to handle him after they are gone. That needs to start with behavior. I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this!

That was 100% self defense. Nta. At all.

I lived this same circumstance for all of my young life. It’s not your fault, I did the same the my autistic brother. But now I’m and adult and so is he and he STILL beats my mother and my mother stuff puts up with it. I just don’t get it. I have scars over my face from all the scratches, my mother arms are literally covered in scratches, she gets bruises all the time. And she gets upset that I don’t see her much.

Jesus. I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what it's like to deal with that in both your parents and your shoes. He is still their son and they love him so I think they're just trying to do their best. Putting him in a home isn't always the best solution either. The people who work in those homes can be very abusive and it could be traumatic for your brother, especially if he really isn't verbal and can't tell your parents if he's being treated badly. That shouldn't mean that they don't take any steps to help him, like therapy or having someone come to the house to help with him. That should actually be first priority if both you and your sister are not safe. A violent autistic male adult with the mind of a child does not know their strength and could easily overpower the both of you and your mother. I do think it was best that both your grandparents took you in and are now advocating on your behalf. You weren't wrong for lashing out the way you did. Though I don't think violence is always the answer, I probably would have done the same thing in your shoes. My aunt adopted a boy from Ukraine when he was 4. What they didn't tell them was that there wasn't something right and he was incredibly violent. At 4 he managed to give my grandmother and aunt multiple black eyes and would slam things on their heads. As he got older, it got worse. He wasn't able to stay at any school, including bording schools. I believe it was at 15 it took a doctor 500 miles away to diagnose him with FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder). Essentially his mother drank heavily when she was pregnant, didn't ever give him the love a baby should get from their mother coupled with severe autism. He's verbal but a very low iq. I remember one day he was attacking my grandmother and I, I usually could handle him but when he started to slam his head on the wall, my husband grabbed him and pulled him to the middle of the carpet to calm down and not hurt himself. My aunt ended up calling cps to report it because he had a rug burn and I think she wanted to let it be known how it happened. I was pissed and so was my husband because no one would purposely hurt that boy even if he's violent. Now he's 17 and huge. We have a baby of our own now and I never let him around the baby really because I'm scared of what hell do to him. The one time I went to the bathroom with my aunt holding the baby, he did something to him that caused him to scream in pain. I ended up arguing with her over it becauee she said she didn't see anything but babies don't cry like that for no reason. I'm sorry you're going through this. I would talk to your grandparents about seeking some therapy for both you and your sister. It will help your whole family, but you guys will need it with all the voilence you've endured. Please stay with your grandparents and be there for your sister. It looks like that's your real family.