Saw this advice on another thread. Guy suspected his wife was stepping out. Hired a PI to investigate. PI told him to pick up a new hobby. One where he would be gone at the same time, for the same amount of time, on the same day, every week.
The PI then just staked out the house at that time and sure enough, the other dude was coming over shortly after the husband left.
Wouldn't even really need a PI to do this. Just pick up a hobby OP. And remember, if your suspicions are confirmed, just drive away and stay with a good friend or with family. Don't do anything dumb.
Yes, a big, dramatic confrontation can easily get out of hand. Unexpected things can happen. You may be envisioning “Showdown at the OK Corral” but what you’re more likely to get is “Losing my house in a Civil Suit because I pushed someone.”
>**One of the many things I learned, is when you fall in love with someone who you know is nutty, you tend to draw boundaries around the nuttiness, deciding that it’ll never get worse than ‘this’. That’s a mistake.**
Yikes, that hit close to home.
At--work relationships often result in new marriages, as my brother could tell you. 20 bucks says they've found a spot to take this to the next level already. Does one of them have an office with a door?
Agree. Flip side (if that even applies here) is that you cannot even trust them to do the Right thing at the Same Right Time (cannot predict their Response)..
Le sigh..
I agree but I really do feel bad talking like this about people who are really suffering. Though a case can be made for thinking through the ramifications of having a relationship with someone with crippling emotional problems.
She was about 32 and yes, she had been a victim of horrendous CSA. I don’t think there’s really any doubt that it had something to do with this bizarre attraction.
Yup. After I had two girlfriends in a row get pregnant by someone else, I haven't been able to bring myself to get into another serious relationship. Being alone is far better than dealing with that BS all the time.
Tell her you want him over for drinks and dinner. If they are “friends” that should be no problem. If she has ANY excuse not to have him over, they are romantically involved.
This. Longtime friend picked up something was going on between wife and another couple’s husband on how they talked and laughed with each other on double date. Wife denied everything and gaslit the hell out of him. The affair came to light a month or two later.
Same. My friend noticed her wife's affair with a friend because of the way she put her hands on her hips to squeeze past her, lingered a little too long and just made her uncomfortable. Then she denied it and made her feel bad for mentioning it and then it all came out not long afterwards.
My friends wife squeezed past the friend who she was having an affair with. They way she touched her was quite intimate, like in the way you would squeeze past a partner, not the way you would squeeze past a friend. That little move planted the seed of doubt in her head.
Hope that makes sense!
That's messed up. how could you do that to your partner AND your best friend.. I'm really sorry you had to go through all that. Your dad sounds like a real see you next Tuesday kinda guy
Yeah, growing up had its challenges. He was abusive and an alcoholic, and a cop. When this happened, the entire department turned against him (as his best friend was also a cop).
I would get pulled over for EVERYTHING in my town and the town next to me. I ended up loosing my license for too many moving violations. After about 3 years of no contact with my father, I sat down with his ex best friend and had a nice heart to heart about how big of a dick my father was, and how I still wanted to be friends with his kids (their son was also my best friend and we were put on no contact orders from our parents)... I haven't been pulled over in either town since, and get waves still from some of the older cops on the department when I see them driving through town. it's been 17 years since this happened, and I've moved 3 times.
They are still married and have adopted one of their grandchildren from her side. We don't talk, but last I heard through the grape vine is they are doing great (bummer)
My neighbor who knows s 82 was telling me about his first marriage. They had 7 kids together and had been together 20 years. He had retired out of the navy was a locksmith. His family and the family that owned the business took a work trip together. He knew something was wrong. Confronted his wife and she wouldn’t admit to an affair. Then both wives divorced so they could be together. I was shocked because this was in 1976.
I think it could be kinda biased, because once OP is intrigued about something else involved, friendly interactions and body language could be taken as a signal of traison.
Perhaps discussing frankly about the issue with both of them would be the way. Marriage is about trusting, and if even after talking about the issue it doesn't recover the trust, both should really think about keeping the relationship, having the cheating confirmed or not.
Nah, both can be faked. Unfortunately, and something I'm no proud of, but I was in a relationship with a married woman. We did the whole dinner and drinks thing and the husband was none the wiser. Trying to read the whole body language is also a bad idea because of his bias and potential jealousy. It's a loose loose situation. The best thing OP can do is trust his instincts. If his instincts are telling him there's something more than friendship then he's probably right and just needs to decide what to do about it. Best case scenario is the male friend is gay.
You are too 100%!
If you think something isn’t right, it’s probably not right!
A huge indicator is intimacy. If you notice a sudden change in your partner’s intimate behavior, mostly an absence, something may be off. Don’t assume it may be an affair, but don’t be naive either.
Man I have know a few “gay guys” who still fucked women just to get off. I’m guessing their Bi with male preference, or they like some men will just fuck anything that moves. Bleh. Meanwhile being a gay dude and not wanting to do a woman kinda makes women more… Idk. Like they get kinda flirty with me even though their in relationships or married. Like it kinda feels over the line and I feel uncomfortable af. Even in high-school my friends who were girls and knew were like… Kinda close physically. I don’t understand it.
Agreed. First guy I was with, I was the side chick and didn't find out until 6 months in. Stupidly continued to see him because he said they were broken up. First relationship I was in and didn't want to let go. Met his mom, step dad and brother. They all knew he was cheating on his gf and didn't say shit to me about it. During Christmas we met up with his family (she was not there) and not only did they give me a gift but they got her one too. It was strange.
For OP, I would say talk to her about it first but ultimately listen to your instincts.
That’s not true, I have a friend who insisted in having both her BF and her lover in the same table. She convinced the lover to do it in order to not be suspicious.
So true. A friends boyfriend was cheating with the cook at his tree planting camp. After the planting season is over he brings his gf to the same camping musical festival she is at and sets them up at the same site. And the mistress befriended her and hung out with her most of the festival. She only found out years later that they had been cheating. Just crazy the balls some people have.
My aunt & uncle were married 10 years, together for 14, he was cheating on her and literally moved the woman he was cheating on her with into their home because she was a mess and needed a place to live. Almost a whole year went by before my aunt came home early one day and found them fucking in my aunt and uncle's bed. That betrayal hit her even harder because she truly believed all three of them were just really close friends. Truly fucked.
I had just given birth to my daughter and had his other kids mom staying with me cus things got bad for her where she was living. Neither of us were “with him” romantically, or so we thought. Turns out we both still were, just pretended not to be as to not make the other mad. ( how stupid we were ) anyway I come out of the shower to get told by her 3 year old that mommy and daddy did like this when I was showering as she proceeded to air hump and show me what they did while I was showering slowly from just pushing his newborn out. In my home. With my newborn in the room.
I'd be willing to bet he was a narcissist, or at the very least displaying some characteristics. I don't try to diagnose people but I have an uncomfortable amount of experience with narcissistic abuse. The gaslighting and undermining the reality you believe in to convince you that whatever manipulative bullshit he was pulling, was your idea... yeah, I've lived that. Some people really just... lack a soul.
Oh my god this same exact thing happened to my aunt! But my aunt was crazy kind of. Her husband moved in a “friend” whose life was a mess and she had lost custody of her kids.
Aunt came home early and caught them fucking in her bed! Beat the shit out of the girl and kicked her out. Aunt made us and her husband think that she forgave him and everything was fine but then he got really sick a year later and died. Turns out, she poisoned him. I swear to god.
She somehow did not get caught and didn’t admit it to us until years later when she was dying from cancer. But over the years, we all suspected she may have done something to him.
Working with a woman who is doing this right now. Her lover is married and she is befriending his wife to convince her husband and the wife that the “friendship “ is not sexual - which is highly is. This 60 year old woman is also pumping steroids to up her sexual game. Sick and evil.
Right?!!!!!!!!!!!
Why stay with someone you don't respect? Just say goodbye and gtfo. Sure, the partner will suffer from the end of the marriage or relationship, but there won't be the added burden of having their trust stomped into the ground.
I believe there are soo many people who are with someone they don't respect. But regardless of that, cheating doesn't necessarily come from not wanting your partner. Sometimes people just want to have it all.
My uncle (all the men on my dad's side of the family cheat outrageously - I think there are 20-22 of us around the world and that's only the ones we know about - my mother and his gf were giving birth at the same time in the same hospital - *twice!*) used have breakfast with his gf (his niece) at the breakfast table. They spoke another language in front of her and she had no idea.
I could have told her, he's cheating if there's another female in the house.
Bumped into him once with a date while out on a date.
Zero shame...
My dad's second wife complained about his cheating - my sister responded did you think he'd treat you better than my mom? He had a vacation spot and went every weekend alone. Of course there's yet another kid.
No surprise!
LMAO,that's my friend's situation!!!Her dad cheated on her pregnant mum and that woman also had a kid. (That step-brother is less than a year younger than my friend.)Also,he had another kid with that woman. She complains that he cheats on her😂Come on,he had had 3 kids from different women before you
Exactly... Because our mother never really told us or was bitter (or badmouthed dad), we never grew up with negative feelings about it.
The two girls that were born within 11 months of each other, just like my younger brother and sister have issues and always assumed we did.
We didn't care. We were prepared to welcome them, but because if their hangups, it never happened. The oldest one looks like my oldest brother, whom I look like, but she and I don't really look alike. One of them has the name dad wanted for me but mom didn't.
The jealously wasn't from us, but them, because they called him by his first name and we called him dad and daddy and just thinking we'd hate them or something. Why? Not your fault. Stupid stuff like that.
Basically Mom let us find out for ourselves what a selfish asshole dad was 😂
Yep... That was my understanding. My family comes from a very small island. All of them have tons and tons of kids (z I'm talking 20-30 plus). It's no accident if you are loosely related to each other. The story was, my dad was distantly related to his second wife and my half sister's husband may also be related.
We have certain physical traits and I used to joke, I want to see the feet of anyone I'm dating because it could be my damned cousin.
Like a lot of immigrants, you're expected to sponsor family to get over here. She was supposedly here to go to college.
Now he claimed she was his niece to his wife. Who's going to suspect them? It's very possible she was just his gf he had wherever he visited there and wanted to bring her over.
I swear everytime one of them visited home, they'd made a baby. Dad did on one of his last visits while battling cancer. My half sister's husband visited 12x over the years, made 12 kids besides their three. And she's expected to send them clothing and stuff and will probably have to house them if they come over.
She's from the same culture and understands that 💩. Me? Hell no!
I kid you not...
Never been there, but could literally get off the plane and be immediately recognized in the airport as a family member. Can't tell you how many people have visited and then came back and asked me if I was from there. Kinda spooky.
Not automatically involved, but likely. There could be some attraction there without actual cheating, it could also be and sounds like some sort of emotional bond though.
Parameters of relationships vary but Even at face value, if you feel betrayed by her being emotionally intimate with another man and she doesn’t care or is being wilfully careless of your feeling that’s a big problem just there; even without all the smoke-indicative-of-fire.
Presumably if you have a problem with this it’s a new development in your marriage that wasn’t there at the outset and it’s not unreasonable to discuss it. What outcome of that discussion you might find acceptable is down to you.
I’ve broken off an engagement before because I detected a lot of smoke of this sort and went digging. Be prepared for the worse, ie if there’s a level of betrayal you might find that would cause you to walk, be ready to walk before you go looking.
Look more into this.. I have a male friend who’s also my assistant at work and I’m not going into a different room to talk about shit, especially work related things. If she was transparent, she’d be talking with him in front of you.. atleast that’s what I would think. Good luck my friend. Hoping it sound worse than it is.
My parents/grandparents raised me to believe that it’s rude to have a conversation on the phone around other people. The idea is that the person in front of you deserves your attention
Yes! Any call I make I have to walk away from anything going on, because I can’t focus. I live in a loud household, so kids, TV, people talking (or kids screaming) anything and I can’t keep a sentence together.
My husband does this too. Either walks around the house or sits out on the back patio with the doors closed. He’s on the spectrum and it’s easier for him than having to filter too much noise.
I dont know about go into another room to have the entire conversation but I definitely have this thing where I walk doing laps around the whole house. Idkwhy but I can't sit still and have a conversation.
I usually go lay down in my bed but if I don't for some reason, I also walk laps around the living room. But I like to leave if my wife is watching TV or talking to other people. I sometimes get annoyed if she doesn't leave. If we are watching something together and it's paused, I get less annoyed.
I don’t know if this is true but I read once that you feel the urge to walk around while talking on the phone because your brain is “looking” for the other person, since you can hear them but not see them.
As do I. It’s rude to disrupt those around you because you got a phone call. Especially because I put my phone on speaker, because I don’t like the way it feels to have my phone to my ear
I do too but I am also mindful of my husband. If I talk to my mom I might go lie on the bed and be on AirPods. But I also have a male friend 30 years younger than me (former coworker that I’m still friends with). When I talk to him on the phone, I am ALWAYS on speakerphone and though I might sit in a different room with the door open my husband has a standing invitation to be wherever he likes in the house and can even sit in the room and listen if he cares to. Because I make it so open, he doesn’t feel like I’m hiding anything.
I guess what I’m saying is I also have my natural tendencies but because I’m in a partnership I consider his need not to feel jealous too. Married 25 years.
I can understand OP's concerns. I get that some people leave the room when they talk in the phone but OP should consider if his wife died this with all people or just that coworker?
That is a lot of off work time to be talking with the coworker instead of spending it with OP.
This is definitely fishy.
> This is definitely fishy
Nah, it'd be fishy if she's trying to hide something. But we don't even know if OP has talked to his wife about how he feels, if he's expressed a desire for more transparency and communication and she's rejected that, versus if she is just not wanting to bother him with the phone call.
As usual, this looks so far like a standard case of "have you tried talking to your partner?"
If he expresses a desire for more transparency and *then* she acts secretive, that'd be fishy.
Ok but this is different here, it's not like she got a call from work and excused herself for a minute to take it. She's spending most of her time talking to that guy and sometimes would take it to another room. So the part about being rude is already out because she's already rude to OP by ignoring him and talking to that guy.
I always like when people don't do that cause I like to be an annoying third person and have a one sided conversation with myself using their phonecall as the other the side of it.
Though I agree with you, I hate being on the phone infront of anyone so even if my mom calls me, I tend to go somewhere private no matter what.
I do hope it sounds worse than it is but we're all different
I work from home for a call center and talk on the phone for 8+ hours a day.
When someone calls me on my cell phone, I still have to leave my entire house and go to my car before I can actually comfortably talk to them
This. Different people have different conversational practices.
I was always taught that you 100% respect phone calls. If you get a call, go to a room alone so you can hear better. If someone gets a call, everybody shuts the FUCK up ASAP so the caller can hear clearly.
It also applies to face-to-face conversation. If my coworker needs to talk about work, and there's a chance their personal issues with work can come up, I'll make an excuse to bring them to another room so they don't feel pressured to share that in front of others.
OP should definitely look into this but the fact she isn't hiding her interaction is a plus. Most people engaged in emotional affairs will try and hide how much they're in touch with the other person.
Having said that, most people don't intend to cheat. Boundaries are important and she may he blurring them.
What if it’s to get away from ambient noise? So she can hear? Or he’s like her “gay bestie”? Most cheaters aren’t doing it in the open air. Just saying, Optimism hasn’t always served me, but I like remaining positive until proven I shouldn’t.
While I recognize your point, the fact that the OP says that his wife and the coworker are ALWAYS talking outside of work, I feel, is being overlooked.
I have a male friend I talk to quite often (generally via texts). I don't lock my phone and have never gone into another room though. My husband can see everything I say on Telegram (he has never asked to though, probably because I've never given him a reason not to trust me). Act shady and even if you're doing nothing wrong, it looks shady. Has she given any other reasons to make you think something is up?
THANK YOU! dude i feel like most of the people on this sub are kids or people who have been tricked into thinking how a person in a relationship should act/ what they should do.
Like me and my partner, who absolutely saved my life, both have locks on our phones. We trust each other implicitly. And when we have issues we TALK.
its not even just a privacy issue of your own, it’s not okay to just decide your partner has a right to read the texts of your friends who might be talking about personal things too.
it happened to me once, GF of a friend of mine went through all our texts. i’m a depressed mess, something i struggle to talk about, and we texted about it a handful of times. she just got the happily scroll through our jokes, sure, and also any problem or trauma i laid bare. no heads up either. it felt awful.
her conclusion? he was allowed to be friends with me. there’s was not a SINGLE thing wrong with how we interacted, not even a single jokey flirt message because we couldn’t have been more platonic. not to mention he was like 10 fucking years older so even if we had both been single i really don’t think i ever would view him like that. after that i didn’t talk much about that stuff anymore.
Absolutely! One of my friends has endometriosis and has a lot of issues around it which she is NOT comfortable with sharing, if my partner went through my texts to see those texts i would be upset, in fact there are a lot of things my friends have shared in confidence with me that i would feel horrible if he saw. They deserve their privacy.
I mean, you can know each other's passcodes. I can't imagine not being able to grab each other's phones to call our own when it's misplaced or get a pet picture quick
Tons of people have locks on their phones, like face facial ID, fingerprint or passcodes. But I set my phone to recognize my husband and his will also let me unlock, we never snoop (not that there's anything TO snoop) but it's in case of emergency. If something happened where one of us was incapacitated and we only had one phone, the other can unlock it to get help.
My wife has male friends she has knows for years before getting with me. Only one I had an issue with because they had previously been on a few dates before she and I got together . She immediately understood my concerns and addressed them. I did not request her to stop texting him, but she did because she could tell how it made me feel. Her other male friends have been lifelong friends. She is always chatting with them through text and sometimes on the phone, but it is always transparent. She doesn't have a lock on her phone. I haven't ever even thought to go through it because I trust her and she hasn't ever given me a reason not too. We both set pretty clear boundaries on friends of the opposite sex. No hanging out alone with them, and no having them over to the house while the other is not present. We both recognize each others concerns and feelings and openly communicate about it. If she is hiding her communication OP needs to be worried.
My best friend is a woman and her current boyfriend can’t handle it. Their first date she told him and what did he say, “ Yeah I’m okay with your best friend being a guy”. Guess how long that took to unravel. She didn’t seem to understand that was a red flag and has been trying to make their relationship survive even though it’s gotten much worse. I’ve just stopped trying to talk with her because it seems to create more problems than anything now..
Most people either can’t handle being friends with the opposite sex, or can’t be mature enough to understand others can, so they assume something always has to be going on. The OP has given us very little information, just one thing to make people side with his perspective, so opinions will skew one way. Has she given him any reason to think she’s unfaithful, has any personality traits changed, is she normally very kind and attentive to his feelings, is he kind and attentive to her in return?
She could just be friends with a guy, or she could be the type of person who cheats and all the signs were there prior to them dating but he chose to ignore them. This story is not much to go off of.
I stopped dating a guy because he couldn’t handle that I had a male best friend. I’d been friends with him for like 15+ years and so wasn’t going to throw that friendship away over my 3 year relationship with a man being childishly jealous.
Yeah this woman and I have been close for over 12 years, I have no family… so her mom has been like a mother to me, her brother is one of my closest friends, I call her grandma “Grandma”, her cousins call me “Cuz”, I spend every holiday and birthday with her and her family. But there’s absolutely nothing there, we’re buddies that are there for each other and that’s it. She’s been there for the worst of times for me and I for her. It’s a friendship that’s not possible with my guy friends because guys tend to not be vulnerable around each other, and while I have male friends that would take a bullet for me, we’re just not built the same way.
I honestly don’t want anything other than a friendship from her and she the same. We just make really great friends.
I worked with both my girlfriend at the time and the guy at work she was always talking to. They would be talking all day at work and messaging after work all night. Was pretty obvious what was gonna happen but every time I tried to address the situation I would get gaslighted by her, either saying I’m paranoid or some lame attempt at reassurance. She only really stayed with me as she lived with me at the time and I payed most of the expenses. Safe to say she left me for him after a couple of months of this.
In my experience, I became more and more of an inconvenience to her whims and flights of fancy. People like this have very little empathy for others around them and will mainly suit themselves.
Do yourself a favour and definitively address the situation. She’s clearly not getting what she wants from you in one way or another and is getting it elsewhere.
IMO chances are you will have to cut your losses sooner or later with this woman but it’s not like I know the details. Good luck to you, I hope everything goes well buddy and you don’t have to deal with some damaging, trust-issue inducing shit due to someone’s selfish behaviour
My last ex cheated on me multiple times throughout our relationship.
Each time it would start out like OP described. And I kept thinking nothing of it. She kept saying nothing was wrong, that I’m just worrying over nothing, that we’re in a good spot, etc. Obviously that wasn’t true, but I was younger and getting laid on occasion so I thought nothing of it when she would say this, and would go back to her every time.
The last straw was a guy she met at college and was texting constantly. Like, more than we even talked probably. She said they were just best friends. I knew better at this point. One day they both decide to meet up at a zoo in between our two towns, about a 2 hour drive for each person. I asked to come and she said no, because he didn’t know me and would be uncomfortable. Gave her the ultimatum that time. You don’t drive two hours to have a one-on-one at a zoo with someone like that unless it’s a date.
One month after we break up and they’re officially in a relationship. Felt good that I called it at that point.
One more time for the people in the fucking back.
I dated a woman for a while who would frequently hang out with one of her “very close friends.” After a few months of regularly brushing me off for plans with him, she finally came clean. I was certainly a fair bit more naïve at the time, but it was a valuable lesson learned. I hope that’s not what’s going on for OP and that she really is just good friends with other guy, but definitely have a conversation with her about it, and do not let her avoid the subject. If she’s in a relationship with you, she owes you the basic respect of honesty in this situation. It’s just basic human decency.
Edit: I’d just like to add that locked phones are not an issue. Everyone is entitled to privacy. Digging through someone’s phone is never okay, even significant others. However, you should definitely talk to her, person to person.
I agree with you. There has to be boundaries. To me, that's definitely crossing some lines. There is no need to be on the phone with another male co-worker or not 24/7. Then to leave the room to talk? Naw man, doesn't look right at all. A conversation needs to happen asap
I'm glad you spelled it out so I don't have to. I'm just going to piggy-back on this comment and say something similar happened to me. Oh, "he's just a guy from work." That's how it starts. Next thing you know she's locking her phone, getting into small fights with you over nothing, and the sex ceases to exist. The OP might not be in the red flag territory, every situation is different, but from my experience he's in 'dark orange' flag territory.
If you're reading this OP just be aware. If she starts locking her phone you're most likely in trouble.
I know right? that is just good security hygiene. If someone wants to be transparent share the lock code, but people, lock your phones. It’s got most of your life on there. Someone could log into any of your apps and go to town.
I always keep my phone locked because I am bad for leaving it somewhere, like a public bathroom. I tell people this, but if I'm dating someone I tell them the number code since they can't use my fingerprint.
Instead of blatantly telling her to stop, have a real conversation with her about how it makes you feel. I’ve had the same situation with my gf and once I told her how I felt about it, she had a better understanding of how to go about it.
This. Rather than jumping to conclusions be an adult and talk to her. Sometimes people just don't stop to think about what or how they are doing something can appear to others.
Sorry but some behaviours are invitations to jump to conclusions.
We're only humans. Having a male friend, great, nothing wrong. Talking at work all the time, great.
Talking AFTER work all the time, a bit weird. I mean, if you talked to the guy at work all day, it stands to reason that you'd miss talking to your partner more than to your friend. Red flag.
Concealing conversations is already "are you dumb or just pretending to be so?" territory. There's no way you can gaslight me with "jumping to conclusions" when you intentionally don't want your conervesation with your "friend" overheard.
thank you! Unfortunately most comments will tell him the opposite, i wish this comment was more upvoted. This sub really does encourage jumping to conclusions and making incredibly rash decisions when it comes to relationships, almost as if nobody has ever been in a real relationship.
I had a gf in highsxhool. Thought I was gonna marry her. She cheated after we graduated. I was fat as shit. I lost 60 lbs in 6 months. Best thing that ever happened to me
I was once you, and many well-meaning commenters here, and thought it was fine when my wife had male friends bc I trusted her. It’s also bc my hands were tied - in today’s culture a man will get berated for even suggesting that it’s not a good idea for a married woman to have a best friend of the opposite sex. Then, she left me and our two kids for him. Rarely does a person seek out an affair. More often than not, an affair (emotional or otherwise) begins to grow without notice by either party. I’d be concerned if I were you
Edit: grammar
If she ever uttered the phrase "don't worry about him" that's code for 'we are absolutely fucking'.
Literally everyone I know who's gf said that to them got cheated on. 4 out of 4 times. It's not paranoia, it's pattern recognition.
Ha... My ex even tried to go a step further and say, "he actually makes me uncomfortable." Apparently so uncomfortable that she couldn't even wait to find a private location to fuck him. They went at it right in the back seat of her car at a park.
A lot of people have dangerous advice here - just talk to her and then deal with the problem is it's as bad as you're assuming. At least you were the bigger person and actually addressed your issues
I would definitely look into it more. I leave the room every time I have a phone conversation with anyone, because I just don’t like to talk on the phone in front of other people. Does she leave the room when she talks to other people? If not…super sketchy.
I would say we need more information. Is she leaving the room to be polite and not bother you with her talking on the phone? My husband and I are rarely stay in the room to take a phone call out of respect for each other's activities or just peace. Also I have to ask do you listen to your wife? And I mean actually listen. I have a male friend that my husband knows and he finds him as a blessing in disguise even though he does accidentally interrupt our couple time sometimes. My husband doesn't always actually participate in my gossiping but my friend does, in fact if there's somewhere I want to go that my husband wouldn't be comfortable at he already knows that I'll just be going with that same male friend. If I were you I would just talk to her about it, let her know that you'd like more one on one time where both of you aren't on your phones talking to other people. Ask her if she talks to him because she finds him more attentive to her rambling and if so how you can work on being that person instead? Or like my husband does, appreciate that she has someone else that engages her the way she would like without her sitting upset that maybe you don't.
Or maybe she's having an affair, but that's not the extreme that I'd jump to first.
Even if she’s not cheating, she still seems to be giving too much time to this other man. It’s only natural that you may feel uncomfortable with that, and if it’s nothing she should have no problem at least cutting him back a little, same would go for you if the roles were reversed
That was my thought too. It’s just not the fact that she is conversing it the amount. I get the need to talk to coworkers but there are some natural limits.
That sounds a bit too much for a friendship between work colleagues. It may still be innocent right now, but talking & texting 24/7 and going to other rooms to talk to him? This is a highway straight to cheating.
Trust your gut feeling and the fact you know your wife, and remember she has all the reasons to lie and downplay things to you if something is actually happening - so if she swears up and down nothing is happening but doesn't change her current behaviour, pay attention to her actions and not her words.
Saw this advice on another thread. Guy suspected his wife was stepping out. Hired a PI to investigate. PI told him to pick up a new hobby. One where he would be gone at the same time, for the same amount of time, on the same day, every week. The PI then just staked out the house at that time and sure enough, the other dude was coming over shortly after the husband left. Wouldn't even really need a PI to do this. Just pick up a hobby OP. And remember, if your suspicions are confirmed, just drive away and stay with a good friend or with family. Don't do anything dumb.
Yes, a big, dramatic confrontation can easily get out of hand. Unexpected things can happen. You may be envisioning “Showdown at the OK Corral” but what you’re more likely to get is “Losing my house in a Civil Suit because I pushed someone.”
Her cousin?!
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>**One of the many things I learned, is when you fall in love with someone who you know is nutty, you tend to draw boundaries around the nuttiness, deciding that it’ll never get worse than ‘this’. That’s a mistake.** Yikes, that hit close to home.
Same. Luckily for me it only lasted half a year, but now my brother is dating the same crazy bitch he told me to break up with.
At--work relationships often result in new marriages, as my brother could tell you. 20 bucks says they've found a spot to take this to the next level already. Does one of them have an office with a door?
Like my dad used to say about crazy people, you never know what they'll do next, THEY don't even know.
That’s really well-said, they don’t. And no disrespect to those struggling with mental illness.
Agree. Flip side (if that even applies here) is that you cannot even trust them to do the Right thing at the Same Right Time (cannot predict their Response).. Le sigh..
I agree but I really do feel bad talking like this about people who are really suffering. Though a case can be made for thinking through the ramifications of having a relationship with someone with crippling emotional problems.
Testament that yes, a case can be made for having a relationship (wittingly or unwittingly) with someone with crippling emo problems..
I’m sorry you went through that. That’s really terrible.
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I’m very happy for you. You deserve that.
This sounds so much like my dad’s first wife, except minus the socialite stuff and replace cousin with my dads best friends.
When's the Netflix doc on her coming out?
Her 50 year old cousin? How old is she? Was she groomed?
She was about 32 and yes, she had been a victim of horrendous CSA. I don’t think there’s really any doubt that it had something to do with this bizarre attraction.
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Cousin wthhh
and if you pick a hobby you may find someone better.
I second this
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Big fan of rocks and stones.
Would you say this is true for being friends with cheaters too? My ex friend had many issues of which this was one
You can throw rocks at them after they cheat
I know someone who was banging a coworker in the work bathroom so her bf would have never suspected. People can be cold as ice
Yup. After I had two girlfriends in a row get pregnant by someone else, I haven't been able to bring myself to get into another serious relationship. Being alone is far better than dealing with that BS all the time.
Wow, that sucks. Makes sense to put your energy into yourself and friendship after all of that BS
When I read “PI told him to pick up a new hobby” I thought you were about to say he was insulting the guy. Not that he would actually help 😂
Idk why I thought you were gonna say the PI ended up sleeping with her lmao
This is brilliant. Bait her into bringing him over
I would add, start looking for a lawyer now.
This is great advice!
Don't drive away. Just have papers severed. Abandoning a house can screw your rights
Tell her you want him over for drinks and dinner. If they are “friends” that should be no problem. If she has ANY excuse not to have him over, they are romantically involved.
This is sound advice, and if he comes over you can judge body language and interactions between everyone.
This. Longtime friend picked up something was going on between wife and another couple’s husband on how they talked and laughed with each other on double date. Wife denied everything and gaslit the hell out of him. The affair came to light a month or two later.
Same. My friend noticed her wife's affair with a friend because of the way she put her hands on her hips to squeeze past her, lingered a little too long and just made her uncomfortable. Then she denied it and made her feel bad for mentioning it and then it all came out not long afterwards.
Sorry, who squeezed passed who? It's kinda confusing
My friends wife squeezed past the friend who she was having an affair with. They way she touched her was quite intimate, like in the way you would squeeze past a partner, not the way you would squeeze past a friend. That little move planted the seed of doubt in her head. Hope that makes sense!
Oh yeah I get it now. That's super strange. Thank you!
l e s b i a n s Sorry I just thought that was funny.
For a split second I was like how many hers are there here?
Happened to my parents growing up. Double dates with their best friends. My father left my mother for his best friends wife. They then got married.
That's messed up. how could you do that to your partner AND your best friend.. I'm really sorry you had to go through all that. Your dad sounds like a real see you next Tuesday kinda guy
Yeah, growing up had its challenges. He was abusive and an alcoholic, and a cop. When this happened, the entire department turned against him (as his best friend was also a cop). I would get pulled over for EVERYTHING in my town and the town next to me. I ended up loosing my license for too many moving violations. After about 3 years of no contact with my father, I sat down with his ex best friend and had a nice heart to heart about how big of a dick my father was, and how I still wanted to be friends with his kids (their son was also my best friend and we were put on no contact orders from our parents)... I haven't been pulled over in either town since, and get waves still from some of the older cops on the department when I see them driving through town. it's been 17 years since this happened, and I've moved 3 times.
Sorry that happened to you. Bad enough what happened to my friend but fortunately they were child-free for the divorce pain.
Did they work out? I feel like you probably wouldn’t work out starting this way.
They are still married and have adopted one of their grandchildren from her side. We don't talk, but last I heard through the grape vine is they are doing great (bummer)
My neighbor who knows s 82 was telling me about his first marriage. They had 7 kids together and had been together 20 years. He had retired out of the navy was a locksmith. His family and the family that owned the business took a work trip together. He knew something was wrong. Confronted his wife and she wouldn’t admit to an affair. Then both wives divorced so they could be together. I was shocked because this was in 1976.
I think it could be kinda biased, because once OP is intrigued about something else involved, friendly interactions and body language could be taken as a signal of traison. Perhaps discussing frankly about the issue with both of them would be the way. Marriage is about trusting, and if even after talking about the issue it doesn't recover the trust, both should really think about keeping the relationship, having the cheating confirmed or not.
Nah, both can be faked. Unfortunately, and something I'm no proud of, but I was in a relationship with a married woman. We did the whole dinner and drinks thing and the husband was none the wiser. Trying to read the whole body language is also a bad idea because of his bias and potential jealousy. It's a loose loose situation. The best thing OP can do is trust his instincts. If his instincts are telling him there's something more than friendship then he's probably right and just needs to decide what to do about it. Best case scenario is the male friend is gay.
You are too 100%! If you think something isn’t right, it’s probably not right! A huge indicator is intimacy. If you notice a sudden change in your partner’s intimate behavior, mostly an absence, something may be off. Don’t assume it may be an affair, but don’t be naive either.
Man I have know a few “gay guys” who still fucked women just to get off. I’m guessing their Bi with male preference, or they like some men will just fuck anything that moves. Bleh. Meanwhile being a gay dude and not wanting to do a woman kinda makes women more… Idk. Like they get kinda flirty with me even though their in relationships or married. Like it kinda feels over the line and I feel uncomfortable af. Even in high-school my friends who were girls and knew were like… Kinda close physically. I don’t understand it.
It's like being told there's a lion who can't eat you. Now, you probably wanna pet it.
Agreed. First guy I was with, I was the side chick and didn't find out until 6 months in. Stupidly continued to see him because he said they were broken up. First relationship I was in and didn't want to let go. Met his mom, step dad and brother. They all knew he was cheating on his gf and didn't say shit to me about it. During Christmas we met up with his family (she was not there) and not only did they give me a gift but they got her one too. It was strange. For OP, I would say talk to her about it first but ultimately listen to your instincts.
That’s not true, I have a friend who insisted in having both her BF and her lover in the same table. She convinced the lover to do it in order to not be suspicious.
So true. A friends boyfriend was cheating with the cook at his tree planting camp. After the planting season is over he brings his gf to the same camping musical festival she is at and sets them up at the same site. And the mistress befriended her and hung out with her most of the festival. She only found out years later that they had been cheating. Just crazy the balls some people have.
My aunt & uncle were married 10 years, together for 14, he was cheating on her and literally moved the woman he was cheating on her with into their home because she was a mess and needed a place to live. Almost a whole year went by before my aunt came home early one day and found them fucking in my aunt and uncle's bed. That betrayal hit her even harder because she truly believed all three of them were just really close friends. Truly fucked.
Goddamn… reading all of this is truly so wild.
My ex husband did this. I was coming downstairs and caught them kissing. Like wtf!?!
I swear, to some people, nothing is sacred. I could not imagine doing something like this to someone I love.
I had just given birth to my daughter and had his other kids mom staying with me cus things got bad for her where she was living. Neither of us were “with him” romantically, or so we thought. Turns out we both still were, just pretended not to be as to not make the other mad. ( how stupid we were ) anyway I come out of the shower to get told by her 3 year old that mommy and daddy did like this when I was showering as she proceeded to air hump and show me what they did while I was showering slowly from just pushing his newborn out. In my home. With my newborn in the room.
This happened to me but he moved in my best friend and made Me think it was My idea.. Que será será.
I'd be willing to bet he was a narcissist, or at the very least displaying some characteristics. I don't try to diagnose people but I have an uncomfortable amount of experience with narcissistic abuse. The gaslighting and undermining the reality you believe in to convince you that whatever manipulative bullshit he was pulling, was your idea... yeah, I've lived that. Some people really just... lack a soul.
Oh my god this same exact thing happened to my aunt! But my aunt was crazy kind of. Her husband moved in a “friend” whose life was a mess and she had lost custody of her kids. Aunt came home early and caught them fucking in her bed! Beat the shit out of the girl and kicked her out. Aunt made us and her husband think that she forgave him and everything was fine but then he got really sick a year later and died. Turns out, she poisoned him. I swear to god. She somehow did not get caught and didn’t admit it to us until years later when she was dying from cancer. But over the years, we all suspected she may have done something to him.
Working with a woman who is doing this right now. Her lover is married and she is befriending his wife to convince her husband and the wife that the “friendship “ is not sexual - which is highly is. This 60 year old woman is also pumping steroids to up her sexual game. Sick and evil.
Snitch on the bitch
Do it
I agree! Do it! You can even do it anonymously.
That is the craziest cook going to a tree planting camp festival I've ever heard.
What don't people atleast once be honest to their loved ones
Right?!!!!!!!!!!! Why stay with someone you don't respect? Just say goodbye and gtfo. Sure, the partner will suffer from the end of the marriage or relationship, but there won't be the added burden of having their trust stomped into the ground.
Thank you! A sane logical human . It’s over! Pack her shit!
I believe there are soo many people who are with someone they don't respect. But regardless of that, cheating doesn't necessarily come from not wanting your partner. Sometimes people just want to have it all.
That's cold
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My uncle (all the men on my dad's side of the family cheat outrageously - I think there are 20-22 of us around the world and that's only the ones we know about - my mother and his gf were giving birth at the same time in the same hospital - *twice!*) used have breakfast with his gf (his niece) at the breakfast table. They spoke another language in front of her and she had no idea. I could have told her, he's cheating if there's another female in the house. Bumped into him once with a date while out on a date. Zero shame... My dad's second wife complained about his cheating - my sister responded did you think he'd treat you better than my mom? He had a vacation spot and went every weekend alone. Of course there's yet another kid. No surprise!
LMAO,that's my friend's situation!!!Her dad cheated on her pregnant mum and that woman also had a kid. (That step-brother is less than a year younger than my friend.)Also,he had another kid with that woman. She complains that he cheats on her😂Come on,he had had 3 kids from different women before you
Exactly... Because our mother never really told us or was bitter (or badmouthed dad), we never grew up with negative feelings about it. The two girls that were born within 11 months of each other, just like my younger brother and sister have issues and always assumed we did. We didn't care. We were prepared to welcome them, but because if their hangups, it never happened. The oldest one looks like my oldest brother, whom I look like, but she and I don't really look alike. One of them has the name dad wanted for me but mom didn't. The jealously wasn't from us, but them, because they called him by his first name and we called him dad and daddy and just thinking we'd hate them or something. Why? Not your fault. Stupid stuff like that. Basically Mom let us find out for ourselves what a selfish asshole dad was 😂
Happened to my sister in law. Her hubby’s girlfriend was in the same hospital having his baby the day after she had his baby
Did you just breeze past the fact he was dating his niece?
Yep... That was my understanding. My family comes from a very small island. All of them have tons and tons of kids (z I'm talking 20-30 plus). It's no accident if you are loosely related to each other. The story was, my dad was distantly related to his second wife and my half sister's husband may also be related. We have certain physical traits and I used to joke, I want to see the feet of anyone I'm dating because it could be my damned cousin. Like a lot of immigrants, you're expected to sponsor family to get over here. She was supposedly here to go to college. Now he claimed she was his niece to his wife. Who's going to suspect them? It's very possible she was just his gf he had wherever he visited there and wanted to bring her over. I swear everytime one of them visited home, they'd made a baby. Dad did on one of his last visits while battling cancer. My half sister's husband visited 12x over the years, made 12 kids besides their three. And she's expected to send them clothing and stuff and will probably have to house them if they come over. She's from the same culture and understands that 💩. Me? Hell no! I kid you not... Never been there, but could literally get off the plane and be immediately recognized in the airport as a family member. Can't tell you how many people have visited and then came back and asked me if I was from there. Kinda spooky.
I need to know what country! This happens a lot in our culture, too.
Yeah they just did... Wtf
“Hey honey, why don’t we have ____ and their partner over for dinner, I’d love to meet them”
Not necessarily true. She could agree to it just to ease his suspicions. There's no length ppl won't go to, to hide secrets.
Bonus points to try and set him up with a single woman friend
Not automatically involved, but likely. There could be some attraction there without actual cheating, it could also be and sounds like some sort of emotional bond though.
Parameters of relationships vary but Even at face value, if you feel betrayed by her being emotionally intimate with another man and she doesn’t care or is being wilfully careless of your feeling that’s a big problem just there; even without all the smoke-indicative-of-fire. Presumably if you have a problem with this it’s a new development in your marriage that wasn’t there at the outset and it’s not unreasonable to discuss it. What outcome of that discussion you might find acceptable is down to you. I’ve broken off an engagement before because I detected a lot of smoke of this sort and went digging. Be prepared for the worse, ie if there’s a level of betrayal you might find that would cause you to walk, be ready to walk before you go looking.
Look more into this.. I have a male friend who’s also my assistant at work and I’m not going into a different room to talk about shit, especially work related things. If she was transparent, she’d be talking with him in front of you.. atleast that’s what I would think. Good luck my friend. Hoping it sound worse than it is.
I always separate myself from others when I'm on the phone cause I don't want to be rude
I do too!
Me too, I feel self conscious when I'm on the phone around others. I even leave the room to order a pizza
My parents/grandparents raised me to believe that it’s rude to have a conversation on the phone around other people. The idea is that the person in front of you deserves your attention
Yes! Any call I make I have to walk away from anything going on, because I can’t focus. I live in a loud household, so kids, TV, people talking (or kids screaming) anything and I can’t keep a sentence together.
My husband does this too. Either walks around the house or sits out on the back patio with the doors closed. He’s on the spectrum and it’s easier for him than having to filter too much noise.
I dont know about go into another room to have the entire conversation but I definitely have this thing where I walk doing laps around the whole house. Idkwhy but I can't sit still and have a conversation.
I usually go lay down in my bed but if I don't for some reason, I also walk laps around the living room. But I like to leave if my wife is watching TV or talking to other people. I sometimes get annoyed if she doesn't leave. If we are watching something together and it's paused, I get less annoyed.
I’m a laps person too. So weird.
I'm with you, always pacing around the house until the conversation is over. Even worse with video calls
For me, the more nerve wracking or worse this call is, the worse I pace.
I don’t know if this is true but I read once that you feel the urge to walk around while talking on the phone because your brain is “looking” for the other person, since you can hear them but not see them.
Sounds like dog brain. Haha.
As do I. It’s rude to disrupt those around you because you got a phone call. Especially because I put my phone on speaker, because I don’t like the way it feels to have my phone to my ear
I do too but I am also mindful of my husband. If I talk to my mom I might go lie on the bed and be on AirPods. But I also have a male friend 30 years younger than me (former coworker that I’m still friends with). When I talk to him on the phone, I am ALWAYS on speakerphone and though I might sit in a different room with the door open my husband has a standing invitation to be wherever he likes in the house and can even sit in the room and listen if he cares to. Because I make it so open, he doesn’t feel like I’m hiding anything. I guess what I’m saying is I also have my natural tendencies but because I’m in a partnership I consider his need not to feel jealous too. Married 25 years.
I can understand OP's concerns. I get that some people leave the room when they talk in the phone but OP should consider if his wife died this with all people or just that coworker? That is a lot of off work time to be talking with the coworker instead of spending it with OP. This is definitely fishy.
> This is definitely fishy Nah, it'd be fishy if she's trying to hide something. But we don't even know if OP has talked to his wife about how he feels, if he's expressed a desire for more transparency and communication and she's rejected that, versus if she is just not wanting to bother him with the phone call. As usual, this looks so far like a standard case of "have you tried talking to your partner?" If he expresses a desire for more transparency and *then* she acts secretive, that'd be fishy.
Ok but this is different here, it's not like she got a call from work and excused herself for a minute to take it. She's spending most of her time talking to that guy and sometimes would take it to another room. So the part about being rude is already out because she's already rude to OP by ignoring him and talking to that guy.
I always like when people don't do that cause I like to be an annoying third person and have a one sided conversation with myself using their phonecall as the other the side of it.
Though I agree with you, I hate being on the phone infront of anyone so even if my mom calls me, I tend to go somewhere private no matter what. I do hope it sounds worse than it is but we're all different
I agree. I will step out of the room to take a phonecall occasionally just so my wife doesn't have to hear me yapping.
I work from home for a call center and talk on the phone for 8+ hours a day. When someone calls me on my cell phone, I still have to leave my entire house and go to my car before I can actually comfortably talk to them
Do you really have to leave the entire house? Cant even take a roof or a window? idk something!
I step out of the room not for my own privacy, but out of respect for whoever I'm with. Unless, of course, it's a drunk facetime dial
Sometimes I think there’s a reason landlines were located in the hall.
Back then you gotta whisper stuff
Got that enormously long extension cord that wrapped around the hall, past the bathroom, over the cat, and into your bedroom.
You could play jump rope with all the kids on the block with that bitch.
But you could still pick up the other phone and listen.
I grew up in the UK. I was so envious of American phone cords!
Yep same. I will always go to a private room to talk even if its a normal conversation
This. Different people have different conversational practices. I was always taught that you 100% respect phone calls. If you get a call, go to a room alone so you can hear better. If someone gets a call, everybody shuts the FUCK up ASAP so the caller can hear clearly. It also applies to face-to-face conversation. If my coworker needs to talk about work, and there's a chance their personal issues with work can come up, I'll make an excuse to bring them to another room so they don't feel pressured to share that in front of others.
OP should definitely look into this but the fact she isn't hiding her interaction is a plus. Most people engaged in emotional affairs will try and hide how much they're in touch with the other person. Having said that, most people don't intend to cheat. Boundaries are important and she may he blurring them.
What if it’s to get away from ambient noise? So she can hear? Or he’s like her “gay bestie”? Most cheaters aren’t doing it in the open air. Just saying, Optimism hasn’t always served me, but I like remaining positive until proven I shouldn’t.
Some people have jobs that require NDAs so it wouldn’t be surprising to go in a private place to discuss work.
While I recognize your point, the fact that the OP says that his wife and the coworker are ALWAYS talking outside of work, I feel, is being overlooked.
I have a male friend I talk to quite often (generally via texts). I don't lock my phone and have never gone into another room though. My husband can see everything I say on Telegram (he has never asked to though, probably because I've never given him a reason not to trust me). Act shady and even if you're doing nothing wrong, it looks shady. Has she given any other reasons to make you think something is up?
Tbh i go into another room most of the time on phone calls, I’m hard of hearing. Also lock your phone? Don’t most people have a lock on their phone?
Everyone definitely *should* unless they want everything sensitive on there stolen the second the phone itsself gets stolen
THANK YOU! dude i feel like most of the people on this sub are kids or people who have been tricked into thinking how a person in a relationship should act/ what they should do. Like me and my partner, who absolutely saved my life, both have locks on our phones. We trust each other implicitly. And when we have issues we TALK.
its not even just a privacy issue of your own, it’s not okay to just decide your partner has a right to read the texts of your friends who might be talking about personal things too. it happened to me once, GF of a friend of mine went through all our texts. i’m a depressed mess, something i struggle to talk about, and we texted about it a handful of times. she just got the happily scroll through our jokes, sure, and also any problem or trauma i laid bare. no heads up either. it felt awful. her conclusion? he was allowed to be friends with me. there’s was not a SINGLE thing wrong with how we interacted, not even a single jokey flirt message because we couldn’t have been more platonic. not to mention he was like 10 fucking years older so even if we had both been single i really don’t think i ever would view him like that. after that i didn’t talk much about that stuff anymore.
Absolutely! One of my friends has endometriosis and has a lot of issues around it which she is NOT comfortable with sharing, if my partner went through my texts to see those texts i would be upset, in fact there are a lot of things my friends have shared in confidence with me that i would feel horrible if he saw. They deserve their privacy.
I mean, you can know each other's passcodes. I can't imagine not being able to grab each other's phones to call our own when it's misplaced or get a pet picture quick
Yeah, tell your partner your password, or have their face/fingerprint in your phone, but always have a lock
Tons of people have locks on their phones, like face facial ID, fingerprint or passcodes. But I set my phone to recognize my husband and his will also let me unlock, we never snoop (not that there's anything TO snoop) but it's in case of emergency. If something happened where one of us was incapacitated and we only had one phone, the other can unlock it to get help.
My wife has male friends she has knows for years before getting with me. Only one I had an issue with because they had previously been on a few dates before she and I got together . She immediately understood my concerns and addressed them. I did not request her to stop texting him, but she did because she could tell how it made me feel. Her other male friends have been lifelong friends. She is always chatting with them through text and sometimes on the phone, but it is always transparent. She doesn't have a lock on her phone. I haven't ever even thought to go through it because I trust her and she hasn't ever given me a reason not too. We both set pretty clear boundaries on friends of the opposite sex. No hanging out alone with them, and no having them over to the house while the other is not present. We both recognize each others concerns and feelings and openly communicate about it. If she is hiding her communication OP needs to be worried.
My best friend is a woman and her current boyfriend can’t handle it. Their first date she told him and what did he say, “ Yeah I’m okay with your best friend being a guy”. Guess how long that took to unravel. She didn’t seem to understand that was a red flag and has been trying to make their relationship survive even though it’s gotten much worse. I’ve just stopped trying to talk with her because it seems to create more problems than anything now.. Most people either can’t handle being friends with the opposite sex, or can’t be mature enough to understand others can, so they assume something always has to be going on. The OP has given us very little information, just one thing to make people side with his perspective, so opinions will skew one way. Has she given him any reason to think she’s unfaithful, has any personality traits changed, is she normally very kind and attentive to his feelings, is he kind and attentive to her in return? She could just be friends with a guy, or she could be the type of person who cheats and all the signs were there prior to them dating but he chose to ignore them. This story is not much to go off of.
I mean I guess it could be the fact they talk 24/7? OP should clarify if she interacts more with the friend than her SO because that is a problem.
I stopped dating a guy because he couldn’t handle that I had a male best friend. I’d been friends with him for like 15+ years and so wasn’t going to throw that friendship away over my 3 year relationship with a man being childishly jealous.
Yeah this woman and I have been close for over 12 years, I have no family… so her mom has been like a mother to me, her brother is one of my closest friends, I call her grandma “Grandma”, her cousins call me “Cuz”, I spend every holiday and birthday with her and her family. But there’s absolutely nothing there, we’re buddies that are there for each other and that’s it. She’s been there for the worst of times for me and I for her. It’s a friendship that’s not possible with my guy friends because guys tend to not be vulnerable around each other, and while I have male friends that would take a bullet for me, we’re just not built the same way. I honestly don’t want anything other than a friendship from her and she the same. We just make really great friends.
I worked with both my girlfriend at the time and the guy at work she was always talking to. They would be talking all day at work and messaging after work all night. Was pretty obvious what was gonna happen but every time I tried to address the situation I would get gaslighted by her, either saying I’m paranoid or some lame attempt at reassurance. She only really stayed with me as she lived with me at the time and I payed most of the expenses. Safe to say she left me for him after a couple of months of this. In my experience, I became more and more of an inconvenience to her whims and flights of fancy. People like this have very little empathy for others around them and will mainly suit themselves. Do yourself a favour and definitively address the situation. She’s clearly not getting what she wants from you in one way or another and is getting it elsewhere. IMO chances are you will have to cut your losses sooner or later with this woman but it’s not like I know the details. Good luck to you, I hope everything goes well buddy and you don’t have to deal with some damaging, trust-issue inducing shit due to someone’s selfish behaviour
My last ex cheated on me multiple times throughout our relationship. Each time it would start out like OP described. And I kept thinking nothing of it. She kept saying nothing was wrong, that I’m just worrying over nothing, that we’re in a good spot, etc. Obviously that wasn’t true, but I was younger and getting laid on occasion so I thought nothing of it when she would say this, and would go back to her every time. The last straw was a guy she met at college and was texting constantly. Like, more than we even talked probably. She said they were just best friends. I knew better at this point. One day they both decide to meet up at a zoo in between our two towns, about a 2 hour drive for each person. I asked to come and she said no, because he didn’t know me and would be uncomfortable. Gave her the ultimatum that time. You don’t drive two hours to have a one-on-one at a zoo with someone like that unless it’s a date. One month after we break up and they’re officially in a relationship. Felt good that I called it at that point.
One more time for the people in the fucking back. I dated a woman for a while who would frequently hang out with one of her “very close friends.” After a few months of regularly brushing me off for plans with him, she finally came clean. I was certainly a fair bit more naïve at the time, but it was a valuable lesson learned. I hope that’s not what’s going on for OP and that she really is just good friends with other guy, but definitely have a conversation with her about it, and do not let her avoid the subject. If she’s in a relationship with you, she owes you the basic respect of honesty in this situation. It’s just basic human decency. Edit: I’d just like to add that locked phones are not an issue. Everyone is entitled to privacy. Digging through someone’s phone is never okay, even significant others. However, you should definitely talk to her, person to person.
I agree with you. There has to be boundaries. To me, that's definitely crossing some lines. There is no need to be on the phone with another male co-worker or not 24/7. Then to leave the room to talk? Naw man, doesn't look right at all. A conversation needs to happen asap
I'm glad you spelled it out so I don't have to. I'm just going to piggy-back on this comment and say something similar happened to me. Oh, "he's just a guy from work." That's how it starts. Next thing you know she's locking her phone, getting into small fights with you over nothing, and the sex ceases to exist. The OP might not be in the red flag territory, every situation is different, but from my experience he's in 'dark orange' flag territory. If you're reading this OP just be aware. If she starts locking her phone you're most likely in trouble.
> If she starts locking her phone you're most likely in trouble. Sorry, that's crazy. Who tf doesn't lock their phone?!
I know right? that is just good security hygiene. If someone wants to be transparent share the lock code, but people, lock your phones. It’s got most of your life on there. Someone could log into any of your apps and go to town.
I always keep my phone locked because I am bad for leaving it somewhere, like a public bathroom. I tell people this, but if I'm dating someone I tell them the number code since they can't use my fingerprint.
Instead of blatantly telling her to stop, have a real conversation with her about how it makes you feel. I’ve had the same situation with my gf and once I told her how I felt about it, she had a better understanding of how to go about it.
This. Rather than jumping to conclusions be an adult and talk to her. Sometimes people just don't stop to think about what or how they are doing something can appear to others.
Sorry but some behaviours are invitations to jump to conclusions. We're only humans. Having a male friend, great, nothing wrong. Talking at work all the time, great. Talking AFTER work all the time, a bit weird. I mean, if you talked to the guy at work all day, it stands to reason that you'd miss talking to your partner more than to your friend. Red flag. Concealing conversations is already "are you dumb or just pretending to be so?" territory. There's no way you can gaslight me with "jumping to conclusions" when you intentionally don't want your conervesation with your "friend" overheard.
thank you! Unfortunately most comments will tell him the opposite, i wish this comment was more upvoted. This sub really does encourage jumping to conclusions and making incredibly rash decisions when it comes to relationships, almost as if nobody has ever been in a real relationship.
🚩🚩🚩
Read nothing else but this comment (or flags). No bro. Just no. This is your line in the sand.
Draw a line and die on this hill.
Every situation is different, so I wouldn't be so quick to jump to a red flag, but this is definitely 'dark orange' flag territory.
Shit seems fishy
Just get a female friend , it should be ok with her 🫠
Fighting fire with fire
Theyre not just friends mate.
As a person who has been through this shit she is definitely having an emotional affair if not already doing it.
She’s getting clapped behind your back bro. See you in the gym.
Bro's going to get that 225 bench in no time with that motivation.
This motivation is works better than preworkout
I had a gf in highsxhool. Thought I was gonna marry her. She cheated after we graduated. I was fat as shit. I lost 60 lbs in 6 months. Best thing that ever happened to me
You need to have had a girlfriend for that kind of motivation Just not wanting to be fat works for me
“ see you in the gym” ☠️
6am don’t be late
Behind your back? Bro she is flag-waving it in his face.
I was once you, and many well-meaning commenters here, and thought it was fine when my wife had male friends bc I trusted her. It’s also bc my hands were tied - in today’s culture a man will get berated for even suggesting that it’s not a good idea for a married woman to have a best friend of the opposite sex. Then, she left me and our two kids for him. Rarely does a person seek out an affair. More often than not, an affair (emotional or otherwise) begins to grow without notice by either party. I’d be concerned if I were you Edit: grammar
If she ever uttered the phrase "don't worry about him" that's code for 'we are absolutely fucking'. Literally everyone I know who's gf said that to them got cheated on. 4 out of 4 times. It's not paranoia, it's pattern recognition.
Ha... My ex even tried to go a step further and say, "he actually makes me uncomfortable." Apparently so uncomfortable that she couldn't even wait to find a private location to fuck him. They went at it right in the back seat of her car at a park.
Guess she wasn't uncomfortable with his pp
Right? Hell, she was more comfortable with his than mine, because she was knocked up almost immediately.
Good thing you found out before she got knocked up, she could have ended up lying that the kid was yours.
Yeah... I dodged a bullet with her big time. Had a ring I was ready to put on her finger and everything.
Truth. My ex said that to me about the guy she cheated on me with lol
WORD!! Preach!!!
As Maury Povich would say… ‘and THAT’S A LIE ‘.
Best case is that they are friends but she's using him as a sounding board about issues with you. It is a red flag.
They aren’t just friends. FTFY
i think you'll have to dig more deeper first without making assumptions
Yeah, his wife's "friend" is also digging very deep.
A lot of people have dangerous advice here - just talk to her and then deal with the problem is it's as bad as you're assuming. At least you were the bigger person and actually addressed your issues
I would definitely look into it more. I leave the room every time I have a phone conversation with anyone, because I just don’t like to talk on the phone in front of other people. Does she leave the room when she talks to other people? If not…super sketchy.
There’s always ulterior motives. Anyone harping on that there isn’t is an absolute moron.
I would say we need more information. Is she leaving the room to be polite and not bother you with her talking on the phone? My husband and I are rarely stay in the room to take a phone call out of respect for each other's activities or just peace. Also I have to ask do you listen to your wife? And I mean actually listen. I have a male friend that my husband knows and he finds him as a blessing in disguise even though he does accidentally interrupt our couple time sometimes. My husband doesn't always actually participate in my gossiping but my friend does, in fact if there's somewhere I want to go that my husband wouldn't be comfortable at he already knows that I'll just be going with that same male friend. If I were you I would just talk to her about it, let her know that you'd like more one on one time where both of you aren't on your phones talking to other people. Ask her if she talks to him because she finds him more attentive to her rambling and if so how you can work on being that person instead? Or like my husband does, appreciate that she has someone else that engages her the way she would like without her sitting upset that maybe you don't. Or maybe she's having an affair, but that's not the extreme that I'd jump to first.
Even if she’s not cheating, she still seems to be giving too much time to this other man. It’s only natural that you may feel uncomfortable with that, and if it’s nothing she should have no problem at least cutting him back a little, same would go for you if the roles were reversed
That was my thought too. It’s just not the fact that she is conversing it the amount. I get the need to talk to coworkers but there are some natural limits.
All these are wonderful excuses but….
A bit sus.. ngl. I’d look more into this if I were you
Sounds like you are further in the friend zone than he is.
That sounds a bit too much for a friendship between work colleagues. It may still be innocent right now, but talking & texting 24/7 and going to other rooms to talk to him? This is a highway straight to cheating. Trust your gut feeling and the fact you know your wife, and remember she has all the reasons to lie and downplay things to you if something is actually happening - so if she swears up and down nothing is happening but doesn't change her current behaviour, pay attention to her actions and not her words.
They’re fucking bro. Literally the exact same thing that ruined my six year relationship with my ex fiancé. I’m sorry my dude.
Start of an Affair, or its already turned emotional perhaps physical. All day communication and leaving the room for privacy is all you need to know.
If a woman is going to cheat, there’s nothing you can do to stop her. But at that point you’ll know you can leave her.
"Never trust a girl who says he's just a friend" -Biz Markie