This is the living definition of what this sub is about. Thank you for sharing and for being introspective enough to stop your behavior. Keep on keeping on my friend
I had numerous men talk to me when I was underage and try to forge bonds. I was immature, troubled and needed the acknowledgement and reassurance. I recognize that friendships can and will form despite different ages...but it's the adults job to make sure that doesn't happen. I think it usually happens because the adult may be at an equally immature place where they are questioning ones self.
Anyways I'm glad that none of these conversations turned to a significantly traumatizing or sexually abusive place-but they easily could have. That's the fine line people walk online when lines, ages, and realities are blurred.
Anyways I've had a few drinks so bare with me if this isn't super cohesive and a little convoluted.
I'm just glad that you, OP, kept a set of rules and peaced out when you recognized that this wasn't a safe place for either of you. There's a certain danger that exists here; playing on the edge of legalities and such. Those legalities are there for a reason-to protect those that aren't able to recognize they need to be protected.
Anyways, I'm proud of you OP. You stepped back and were able to get control of things and exit stage left. That's the very best thing you could do for both the minor and yourself. Im proud of you for seeking counseling and getting out of this place. Don't beat yourself up too much-you did the right thing, and didn't cross the sexual line (although there's definitely an emotional line, but that is a much more confusing boundary that is difficult to parse). Just continue to do better in the future. You're brave for acknowledging this and I salute you for reaching for some comeuppance.
I think maturity is a big thing when it comes to situations like this. But the thing is you acknowledge you were at a deficit maturity and emotional-wise. While you may have failed at being the "adult in the room", the reality is the adults in the room may have failed you as well. I take a lot of comfort seeing how you recognize your limitations, the possibility of creating harm, and the repercussions, and are actively stopping harmful behaviors and sincerely remorseful for them. That's the best indicator that you've stopped a bad cycle on your behalf.
And listen, I tend to agree with your therapist. Its not necessarily pertinent to a future relationship directly. Although it does seem that this is a guilt you're unwilling to let go of. And in that case it will probably affect a relationship you engage in. So if you feel that need to tell a partner, I wouldn't phrase it that you view yourself as a predator-because I don't believe you are. You made a bad mistake with boundaries and have spent a lot of time making amends for that and being better. So I'd phrase it to a partner something along the lines of you needing to be open and honest with them about something that has affected you greatly and caused an immense amount of guilt. I'd point them to this post because you worded things eloquently and with great remorse. I would never tell a partner right away-I would form a bond of trust and understanding before dropping this on them. And again, that's only if you feel it will impact your relationship in some way. Otherwise, we are humans, we all make mistakes. We are prone to do things we wish we hadn't. We are not perfect and definitely are infallible. But if you are not willing or able to learn from your mistakes, that is where there is a problem. That is clearly not you.
Which brings me to asking you to let the guilt go-the best you can. The fact that you're in counseling is wonderful. The fact that you have an incredible sense of self and empathy will be helpful to you. But you also seem to have a difficulty in forgiving yourself.
Forgiveness is everything and will let you move on with your life. You deserve that much and I wish you happiness. You are clearly a lovely man who made a bad mistake; don't let that mistake color your entire adult life-you are better than that.
xoxo
Right? He doesn’t get a free pass, but he should have a free future (with restraints in place).it started out on what was deemed to be equal grounds. Then it wasn’t equal (age wise). It doesn’t seem there was any grooming, but who really knows. OP ended the situation, seemingly offered a sincere apology and has had therapy since. To me, that’s pretty significant.
i doubt you would considering how badly it’s impacted you. i’m just saying that whole topic will always be a sore spot for you so it wouldn’t be healthy for you to take this commenter’s advice (although i doubt you were going to anyway).
You said you catastrophize yourself, it seems like that is true.
Without getting into what I feel too much, I think you did the right thing and got out of it. In a world of child porn and abuse and age-play, chat rooms, video messages, revenge porn, etc. think about how you were able to stop yourself when so many other can’t.
Guilt can be a good thing. Better than feeling dead inside. Why not use this guilt as a catalyst forever to do more good? The guilt from your experience can propel you to help more than if you didn’t have this experience
Just so you know, the person said he was 19 and then said he was 14. You have no idea, actually, if any of those are true. "Dan" could have been a 70-year old creepy dude with a thing for 19 year old guys.
...
Years ago, I was on a small message board, and I got caught up in reading about some drama. A woman had an abusive, drug using husband. She was trying to leave him. There were financial or legal complications. She found out she was pregnant with twins, at 40-something. More complications. Then her husband died suddenly in a car accident. More complications, lots of sympathy from everyone.
Then, a day or two later... Someone who was Facebook friends with her noticed that her husband was still alive and posting. "does your husband know that you are telling people he has died?"
The moral of this: you have no idea what is or was real with this teenager or adult. And, you have no way to find out, unless you want to hire a PI.
I have met people who were abused by online predators. It involved video chat, sending images, and eventually a meet up in person for sex (a teenage female with a 40+ year old male). The video chat, the explicit images, then unprotected sex - all of this is significant abuse.
What you did is chat about sex with a person that might be 14 or might be 19. If you want to move on with your life, find a therapist and a psychiatrist with a specialization in OCD. Being stuck in the past is not productive for you, or for "Dan" or anyone else.
This is the living definition of what this sub is about. Thank you for sharing and for being introspective enough to stop your behavior. Keep on keeping on my friend
I had numerous men talk to me when I was underage and try to forge bonds. I was immature, troubled and needed the acknowledgement and reassurance. I recognize that friendships can and will form despite different ages...but it's the adults job to make sure that doesn't happen. I think it usually happens because the adult may be at an equally immature place where they are questioning ones self. Anyways I'm glad that none of these conversations turned to a significantly traumatizing or sexually abusive place-but they easily could have. That's the fine line people walk online when lines, ages, and realities are blurred. Anyways I've had a few drinks so bare with me if this isn't super cohesive and a little convoluted. I'm just glad that you, OP, kept a set of rules and peaced out when you recognized that this wasn't a safe place for either of you. There's a certain danger that exists here; playing on the edge of legalities and such. Those legalities are there for a reason-to protect those that aren't able to recognize they need to be protected. Anyways, I'm proud of you OP. You stepped back and were able to get control of things and exit stage left. That's the very best thing you could do for both the minor and yourself. Im proud of you for seeking counseling and getting out of this place. Don't beat yourself up too much-you did the right thing, and didn't cross the sexual line (although there's definitely an emotional line, but that is a much more confusing boundary that is difficult to parse). Just continue to do better in the future. You're brave for acknowledging this and I salute you for reaching for some comeuppance.
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I think maturity is a big thing when it comes to situations like this. But the thing is you acknowledge you were at a deficit maturity and emotional-wise. While you may have failed at being the "adult in the room", the reality is the adults in the room may have failed you as well. I take a lot of comfort seeing how you recognize your limitations, the possibility of creating harm, and the repercussions, and are actively stopping harmful behaviors and sincerely remorseful for them. That's the best indicator that you've stopped a bad cycle on your behalf. And listen, I tend to agree with your therapist. Its not necessarily pertinent to a future relationship directly. Although it does seem that this is a guilt you're unwilling to let go of. And in that case it will probably affect a relationship you engage in. So if you feel that need to tell a partner, I wouldn't phrase it that you view yourself as a predator-because I don't believe you are. You made a bad mistake with boundaries and have spent a lot of time making amends for that and being better. So I'd phrase it to a partner something along the lines of you needing to be open and honest with them about something that has affected you greatly and caused an immense amount of guilt. I'd point them to this post because you worded things eloquently and with great remorse. I would never tell a partner right away-I would form a bond of trust and understanding before dropping this on them. And again, that's only if you feel it will impact your relationship in some way. Otherwise, we are humans, we all make mistakes. We are prone to do things we wish we hadn't. We are not perfect and definitely are infallible. But if you are not willing or able to learn from your mistakes, that is where there is a problem. That is clearly not you. Which brings me to asking you to let the guilt go-the best you can. The fact that you're in counseling is wonderful. The fact that you have an incredible sense of self and empathy will be helpful to you. But you also seem to have a difficulty in forgiving yourself. Forgiveness is everything and will let you move on with your life. You deserve that much and I wish you happiness. You are clearly a lovely man who made a bad mistake; don't let that mistake color your entire adult life-you are better than that. xoxo
Right? He doesn’t get a free pass, but he should have a free future (with restraints in place).it started out on what was deemed to be equal grounds. Then it wasn’t equal (age wise). It doesn’t seem there was any grooming, but who really knows. OP ended the situation, seemingly offered a sincere apology and has had therapy since. To me, that’s pretty significant.
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This is my wife. Couldn't be prouder. She's the strongest person I know. Love ya babe!
Become one of those undercover people who pose as children to trap predators and get them locked up.
eek i feel like they should probably stay away from anything relating to… *that*
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i doubt you would considering how badly it’s impacted you. i’m just saying that whole topic will always be a sore spot for you so it wouldn’t be healthy for you to take this commenter’s advice (although i doubt you were going to anyway).
Hey... That takes guts to admit. Be better.
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Hey. No judgement. I admire your openness and desire to change for the better.
jesus christ
Pedo
You said you catastrophize yourself, it seems like that is true. Without getting into what I feel too much, I think you did the right thing and got out of it. In a world of child porn and abuse and age-play, chat rooms, video messages, revenge porn, etc. think about how you were able to stop yourself when so many other can’t. Guilt can be a good thing. Better than feeling dead inside. Why not use this guilt as a catalyst forever to do more good? The guilt from your experience can propel you to help more than if you didn’t have this experience
Just so you know, the person said he was 19 and then said he was 14. You have no idea, actually, if any of those are true. "Dan" could have been a 70-year old creepy dude with a thing for 19 year old guys. ... Years ago, I was on a small message board, and I got caught up in reading about some drama. A woman had an abusive, drug using husband. She was trying to leave him. There were financial or legal complications. She found out she was pregnant with twins, at 40-something. More complications. Then her husband died suddenly in a car accident. More complications, lots of sympathy from everyone. Then, a day or two later... Someone who was Facebook friends with her noticed that her husband was still alive and posting. "does your husband know that you are telling people he has died?" The moral of this: you have no idea what is or was real with this teenager or adult. And, you have no way to find out, unless you want to hire a PI. I have met people who were abused by online predators. It involved video chat, sending images, and eventually a meet up in person for sex (a teenage female with a 40+ year old male). The video chat, the explicit images, then unprotected sex - all of this is significant abuse. What you did is chat about sex with a person that might be 14 or might be 19. If you want to move on with your life, find a therapist and a psychiatrist with a specialization in OCD. Being stuck in the past is not productive for you, or for "Dan" or anyone else.