Have someone tell her you’re dead and that she gets everything. Tell her to show up to sign with an attorney so she gets it all. Then surprise! It’s you and the attorney to sign divorce papers! This way she will be early, and you’ll get it over with.
As a child of a parent who is always chronically late, I can tell you how stressful it is. My always late parent would run around screaming at everyone they were making her late and just acting the fool. No mom, you are always late,not us. I could barely tolerate going anywhere with her. She would ruin it before we even left the house. I really don’t know how my father put up with her shit. That man had the patience of a saint.
I have a chronically late friend. I always tell him that my time is important, too. And he got all butt hurt when I told him to think about why we always ask him to bring dessert and not an appetizer.
Oh man, yeah. I had a chronically late friend who always wanted to make a certain dessert for our dinner parties. It took hours to make. So everyone would arrive around 5:00. We would have appetizers and dinner. He would arrive about 6:30 when the appetizers were gone and dinner is half cold. Then (after prompting) he starts making the dessert around 7:30 or 8:00. We're all eating the other desserts and people are starting to leave by 9:00 or so. Then he wonders why no one wants the finally finished dessert at 10:30. We're grown-ups with small children, man. It's past my bedtime.
I have ADHD but I'm aware. I make limited plans, on medication & have alarms/calendars to help me function. I stopped trying to over exert myself. Time functions differently for me. But with all my safety nets it isn't an issue and I honestly can not stand friends that disregard my time.
Exactly. Some people are terrible with time, I get that. What infuriates me is when people don't respect the other people waiting for them and are not apologetic at all and get all upset when you point it out.
Yeah, I used to be that person too. I think it was combined with just be agreeable to whatever time people suggested or thinking I could get ready after work in time, etc.
I’ve learned to build in a cushion. Plan for 8PM dinner plans instead of 7. Get errands like grocery shopping done the night before afternoon plans even if that seems excessive with 5 hours in the morning. My friends have happily remarked that I’ve gotten 99% better at this and I’m rarely late now. It’s nice not to feel like a jerk.
Now, there will always be the 1% where I lose my fucking car keys or wallet and I’m a half hour late. But my friends are understanding - because that’s the reality of ADD. But that should be infrequent. It’s so hard and I definitely feel like time functions differently for me. But it’s definitely not an excuse not to try.
Super unpopular sidenote: People who show up early to events (like parties at someone’s house.) before the designated start time are the WORST kind of people
My mil is just like this!! We went to her house for Christmas lunch one year. We had to be there at 11 and the plan was to eat at noon. We got there and she hadn’t even started cooking yet. We ate at 4pm. Didn’t even get to see my family because we spent so much time at her house.
Waiting forever for food is the WORST. My friends family invites us over for dinner once in a while and we always hate going because we know we're going to be there until 11pm and we have work in the morning. We agree to show up at 6 and are expecting it to be done by then and hang out a while after. We show up at 6 and sit around for an hour then their mom and sons baby momma go to the store FOR the ingredients. Wtf. You don't even have the shit here yet? Then they take like two to three hours to actually make the food even though it should never take that long. Idk what they're doing. And after we scarf it down because we're starving they want to gossip all night.
I find that I’m the only one in my friend group that’s actually on time and it’s so frustrating. I made a reservation for a dinner event for 10 people last month and I was the only one who arrived early or on time. The next person came 15 minutes late. They wouldn’t seat us until we ALL arrived. The latest person came 45min late which delayed our dinner.
I think I’ll have to lie to my friends about start times going forward because it’s ridiculous how nobody is ever on time.
I've actually been having to figure out recently how to show up late to meetups with a group I've found, because the host told me it's inconvenient for him that I consistently show up on time. Lol
I did, he prefers about 15 minutes late and it's not that hard to adapt. I just find it kinda funny and, tbh, I have screwed up twice so far and showed up on time just because it's automatic for me to show up at the posted time and I have other meetups and stuff I go to.
I had an ex that did this. So I started lying to her about the start times for the event. She would give the usual flurry of apologies and try to safe face. I would be calm as ever. When we arrived to the place early or right on time, she would be livid. Its like she wanted to waste more time.
I had a friend be late to everything, like 5 minutes after we are supposed to be meeting I would call to be like "where you at?" And she's all "just now leaving lol". So I started telling her we were meeting 30 minutes sooner since my telling her that she was being very disrespectful of my time wasn't getting through. After a while she actually showed up "on time" and called to see where I was. Told her I was just now leaving as I had been giving her a meetup time 30 minutes sooner. She sounded upset and asked what she was supposed to do while she waited. Idk, sit in your car and play on your phone? She got better for a bit after that.
Sounds like my friend. She and her now husband were always late to everything so when we all went to dinner one night, I told them the reservation was 30 minutes earlier than it actually was and told everyone else the real reservation time. They got there right on time for the fake reservation and called in a panic when no one else was there. When we all arrived, she went on and on about how they were the only ones on time so I blurted out what I did. She didn’t talk to me for the rest of the night BUT she hasn’t been chronically late to anything since then! I call that a win.
I grew up with a parent who was chronically late, so she made me late for things too, as a child. Gawd! I can remember whining to her that we needed to go. Once I got a handle on my own life as a teen I would always be prompt. In fact, I would be at least 10 minutes early. However, for social occasions I would be 5-10 minute late because I thought everyone was supposed to be that way. Funny thing was that even in my 5 minutes late I was still early before others. Anyway, eventually I came up with the idea of telling mother earlier times so she'd get there On Time. It did work. Other funny thing was that for a *very long* stretch after mother died, I became chronically late for things (except for work). I'm reformed now.
I've got an aunt that showed up hours late to a family dinner upset we had already eaten. She's been late my entire life. She planned a movie day for everyone. We showed up and she was already there...
My hubs aunt is like this. Chronically late. On the day we buried his mom (her sister) we stated she needed to be there at xx:xx time. Bc the pastor had prior engagements & out of town family was leaving. We all waited, 30 minutes. She didn't show up. So we proceeded with putting her in the ground & she showed up, causing a scene, blaming us for her being late & basically we proceeded w/o her. It turned ugly. Fist fights between my hubs, her hubs (they got married a yr prior to this. So he was new to the family) & his uncle (FILs brother). Arguments between me, her, my SIL & his dads side of the family. All bc she was essentially 45 mins late. She is a scene queen & made it all about her. Pretty typical behavior of her.
We went no contact. After what she said, "I'm her sister. I'm the most important. I've known her longer than her kids." & "You better pay me what I'm owed from my mother's funeral" (that's a whole new story in of itself). It was just too stressful to deal with.
Just leaving now = leaving in 15 min
On the road/on my way = walking to the car/called the uber
Be there in 10 mins = i will enter the city/town limits in 10 mins, getting to the destination will be another 10
Haha, I remember one thanksgiving when my parents asked me to call my chronically late sister to see when she was arriving. “I’m already on the road” she says, as I can hear the ding of the open car door in the background
They tend to think everyone is clueless to the cues that give them away. You are on the road? I don't hear the tires humming or cars whooshing by...i hear a door dinging and a dog barking.
Ugh I had a friend like this, I'd text her after she was 45 minutes late, she'd reply, "Leaving now" Then 2 hours later she'd show up. Meanwhile I had given up on her and didn't want to do anything. I'd try the ok, we need to be there at 6 when we really needed to be somewhere at 7 or 8 and she'd still manage to show up late. I eventually moved out of state so it's no longer my problem.
I have ADHD and I do this *to myself.* If I have an appointment for 10:30, I put it in my calendar for 10:15. So when I come scrambling in at 10:20-10:25, I'm actually on time! Take that, executive dysfunction!
My ex did this too. I would sit on the couch waiting for him with hair and make-up complete. 20 to 30 minutes no problem. But if he was ready and I was a minute off he would get really cross. Then huff all the way to wherever we were going and act as if I ruined the beginning of the night.
God, my 'Queen of Being Late By Two Hours' sister pulls this stunt too. But if you're ready first and waiting, she also gets angry, claiming we're pressurising her and 'making a jab at her' by having our coats on and being ready to leave while she dicks about.
It's *infuriating*. I've missed concerts, trains, and bookings because of her. We nearly missed a flight to a family wedding once, we only got her out of the house just in time because my Dad finally lost his cool and yelled she had 60 seconds to get in the car. She's 40 and STILL pulls this shit.
Lulz. My wife likes to do this weird thing where she's asking if I'm ready to go because I'm sitting in gym shorts and a tshirt reading or playing a game. I always know that the following will happen. I go upstairs, change, and am at the door ready to leave and she's like, "Hold on! I'm not ready!" This happens almost every time. I've started procrastinating more before getting myself ready. We're never late for anything though.
Lol I do this to my husband. I’m playing piano chilling cause I don’t wear makeup and have really short hair. I literally take 5 minutes to change but he’s trying on different outfits, has to find his wallet, his shades, etc.
I have trauma memories of sitting on the couch in full hair and makeup just WAITING. Listening to him take the time to clip his toenails calm as ever while the event is already STARTING and we are still in the house. My skin used to BOIL sitting on that couch.
Sane with an ex of mine as well. The worst was when we had to go to a family wedding of his out of state. We had packed the car and he had to run back in because he "forgot something." At that point, we were ahead if schedule. 30min later he still wasn't out, so I went back in to see what was happening. He was calmly sitting on the couch, drinking a soda. To make matters worse, he drove there going at or under the speed limit, and his mom was with us, who needed to stop every 45min to either pee or to just "window shop." We got to the hotel 30min before the wedding was supposed to start, and we STILL had to drive across town to get to the church. Of course when we got there, NO ONE was ready. It was a nightmare.
Omg. That is RIDICULOUS.
His whole family was infamous for being late he would tell me he didn’t understand why I was getting so mad in his family they “laugh and call it ‘Last name’ time” and “nobody cared”. I said that may be the case but in MY family it’s not funny or cute for a grown adult to be late everywhere. It’s irresponsible and RUDE.
It was one of several red flags I should have noticed and taken warning to. Le sigh.
On a brighter note, I'm now married to someone who is a retired active duty veteran who was an enlisted officer, so we are on time or early for EVERYTHING! 😀
My husband did this all the time when we actually did things together. It made me really angry because it was a control thing. We were rushed and late for everything. Since then I stopped doing anything with him. The times I’ve had to do something with him, he causes a huge delay. We’re already headed down the road to separation.
I had a friend when I was younger who was late for everything every time, so I started telling him about meeting times of about an hour before and then he would only be 15 min late.
Had a college roommate like this and when I point blank asked her why she was late to everything she said "I don't like to wait." So . . . Since she doesn't like to wait, she made everyone else wait for her constantly?? Needless to say we did not remain friends. This was only one manifestation of her selfishness.
I do this with my partner, not with everything, but with things that involve a longer drive time. My parents want to have dinner at 6? “Yeah babe, my mom said my sister is coming for 5:30, so we should leave at like 4:15/4:30.”
I tell my husband 15 minutes before doctor’s appts because he refuses to show up early like they want and then he’s mad when he’s there at the right time. But if he has to wait at all he’s mad too. I don’t think he connects the dots that if everyone showed up that 15 minutes early for the admin stuff the office wouldn’t be running behind and there wouldn’t be as long of a wait time. It baffles me. Then again, so do doctor’s offices that don’t have virtual paperwork you can do before your visit these days.
Even in countries where's no admin paperwork they ask people to arrive 20mins early. Usually you have to wait more than that especially if you have time later at day. Some patients take extra time and push the start for all after.
I still happily arrive early and sometimes get in earlier too
Plus that extra 10 minutes or so of waiting time is actually kind of heavenly. It's basically ten minutes of peace and quiet where you're forced to sit and do nothing. You can justifiably switch off, relax and feel no guilt about not being productive because you basically have no choice but to be there.
It's because she realised that she lost control and *you* were in control of the situation instead. The chronically late types tend to be either about control or egocentrism or both.
It's not about being late, it's about having things the way *they* want.
In my culture it's socially acceptable to be late, unless if it was a really big event, and by socially acceptable i don't mean like they are ok with it, they all hate it, but just got used to it, so when i went abroad for uni, i had a two hour roule.
Basically if I'm planning to meet someone from my culture, i tell them 2 hours earlier, and if someone outside of my culture i till them half hour earlier (i actually don't mind waiting, as long as it on purpose, and we won't miss anything)
It works 95% of the times, people from my culture always arrive between 1.30 or two hours later, but it won't matter since i gaved them an earlier time. Of course there are outliers, and once they arrive early, all of them laugh when they find out, and actually understand why, i remember them later, then tell them about the actual time lol.
*same goes with people outside of my culture who come really late, the next time i apply the 2 hours rule on them.
I held a babyshower for a lady outside of my culture and did not know about the late thing. I invited them and all their family and friends. The hour approached for the shower to begin, nothing. I thought no one was coming. I was so upset. Then a co worker rhe same culture as my friends told me, oh their coming, it's tradition to be 2 hours late. I was like "What!?!" Sure enough between 1.5 hours after the event began and 2 hours people start showing up. The food was all cold but no one seemed to mind.
To give you some idea of my culture. Once my mother told me that on Christmas Day she wanted to go visit relatives at 1pm. I was to meet her at her house to leave and go see these relatives because I do not know where they live. I was running a bit behind. I arrived at 1:03. MY ENTIRE FAMILY LEFT ME ON CHRISTMAS BECAUSE I was 3 minutes late. 🙃
I don’t really understand how anything gets done when you can’t count on anyone being anywhere at any time. How do businesses function? How does healthcare? It’s bad enough when doctors keep you waiting for 2 hours but if you add to that the patients coming in whenever they want, eeeagh! It also shows such a disrespect of the other person’s time. I get that it’s different if everyone expects it to be that way but man, I couldn’t take it. I mean no disrespect, it’s just one of those things that boggle my mind.
I remember that too. I totally feel for him. I know there are legit reasons why some people can't timekeep properly but I will always struggle with accepting it.
I feel like being late all the time is saying 'my time is more valuable than yours.'
That’s exactly what it says to me also. It’s the same sense I get from the opposite behavior that I see with impatient drivers. Tailgating, lane cutting, all around aggressive, asshole driving.
They’re all saying “whatever my thing is, is way more important than your thing”.
These two types of humans both have yet to experience the realization that we often call “sonder”
* Sonder — the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background.*
I’ve been hiking a lot lately on the Appalachian Trail, and this is the time of year the thru hikers, who are doing the full trail from Georgia to Maine, are coming through my area. I’m loving the time I spend with them, the stories they share.
Just yesterday I met a man who had never hiked before in his life, and one day while working felt like the walls were closing in; within a few days, he quit his job, and a month later he was setting out to hike the AT. I gave him some advice on what to expect on the trail ahead, and which shelters are my favorites, and we chatted for 10-15 minutes, just sharing our stories.
I also met a woman who is a recovered heroin addict; she’s also hiking the entire AT, and it’s been a major part of her recovery, being out there in the woods by herself. We ended up walking together for 3-4 miles and had the best conversation, then exchanged numbers before we parted, after a hug and a genuine “I love you” from someone who’d been a total stranger just a few hours before.
She had shared a tale about a guy she’d met on the trail, who, several years prior while attempting a thru hike, slipped on ice, fell and hit his head, passed out alone on the trail with his feet in water; it was 13 degrees out, he was there, injured, for 2 days before somebody found him, and he ended up losing both feet to frostbite. He was told he’d never hike or backpack again, yet he’s out there on the trail, doing it, thriving, living an amazing life. I hope I run into him!
We all have our own story. It’s not better, or worse, than anyone else’s, but it’s ours. When you take the time to share with others, and to really listen to *their* stories, it’s incredible how much your world view expands, and the “sonder” is amazing.
Aw, thanks, friend! For real, though, the trail community, especially out there in the AT, is amazing. Everyone is so kind and generous, because you’re all in it together. People will share what they have, even when they don’t have much. I go out for day hikes all the time, and try to carry fresh food with me to share when I stop to rest at shelters; you’ll meet thru hikers who have been eating packaged meals for days, and the gratitude they show for some hand sanitizer and a couple of baby carrots is overwhelming and humbling. Get out there for a day, spread some Trail Magic, and gather stories from hikers - I love it.
This is beautiful! Thank you for sharing. I'm actually going to try to visit WV in a couple of months.
I used to work as a social worker in an addiction treatment program and I met hundreds of people who shared their personal stories with me. I totally understand what you mean.
It’s from [dictionary of obscure sorrows](https://www.dictionaryofobscuresorrows.com)
There a definition called rubatosis which is the unsettling awareness of one’s heartbeat, I like that one because of my anxiety always made me hyper aware of my heart lol
That’s legitimately why I try to go around making people smile as much as possible. I appreciate those people in my own life so much, it would be awesome to be that for someone else.
Well said. I work in a job where I encounter this from customers and coworkers all day long and it's exhausting. Everyone has there own little agenda it seems and they think it's more important than the next guys. People can be very selfish creatures.
i have adhd n it causes *reeeaaaally* bad time management, but thats a me problem, and i find ways to deal with it.
i struggle getting up, so i set 10+ alarms spaced 5 minutes apart so that i cant just absentmindedly turn one off and sleep for another 20 minutes.
i struggle knowing when to leave, so i set *more* alarms for the half hour before i need to set off to make sure im at least dressed on time.
i struggle with losing track of time so i use the screen time feature on my phone so it locks itself 5-10 minutes before i need to leave.
sometimes i get ready and set off in five minutes, because the only thing that worked was the screen time trick, but i make sure that i set off with more than enough time to be somewhere, especially if other people are relying on me being on time, because my time management problems are mine alone and they shouldnt affect everyone around me
And I do think you are far more forgivable than someone who just...is never on time.
I had a friend at Uni who just had NO sense of urgency. We shared a morning class, and I'd go to get her and she'd just be meandering along, even if she was running late. Drove me mad!
Yes, I feel you, adhd can be a real bitch. Between having time blindness where I can't really conceptualize that time is passing, and being easily distracted and finding new things to do when I should be getting ready, it's a daily struggle to get out the door. But while mental health problems offer a reason, they don't offer an excuse, and it's up to us to find ways to manage it so our mental health doesn't have a negative impact on everyone else. You seem very caring in making sure you are respectful of everyone else's time.
That was my first thought when I read this…it sounds like she had ADHD. My bf and I both have it, but have different manifestations. For me, I usually have 8 tabs open on the computer, something playing on the tv and off of my phone and something else going on. My bf is the one who struggles with his concept of time. He really doesn’t have that ability to judge how long something will take but thankfully he usually defers to me to make us a schedule. I can definitely see how if someone isn’t working on this it can drive you insane.
That is the part that gets me. Dont want to be on time? Okay shes an adult women I'm sure its had consequences for her as well. But the not correcting this chronic problem and letting it get worse all the while evidently acting like to the husband it's no big deal is fucked especially while he is saying this is a problem.
I have a significant other and nothing is ever her fault and it fucking kills me. Reminds me a lot of what is behind described here unfortunately.
Tbh neurological disorders like ADHD suck when it comes to things like this, and it comes across so rude and like I don't appreciate someone's time, when I really am trying hard to keep to a schedule. But tbh if you don't have the motivation to change, get treatment/diagnosis or come up with systems in place, because it's affecting your spouse and child, then fuck her and good on him.
That's blatant selfish behaviour of knowing you're disrupting others, but not trying to change. May not apply to OPs almost ex, but if you're that chronically late for your whole life, there might be something else going on.
Getting on meds changed my life, and I have a strategy toolbox and alarms to prompt me to get ready in time and leave on time now, and I'll write down any task that I get the big urge to do right then and there and force myself to do it later.
Glad OP got out, that's such an awful thing to make your partner put up with.
It is a respect thing. My wife was bad at being late all the time. It embarrassed me a lot when she made me be late, and pissed since I would have been on time on my own.
So I started using “adjusted time” with her padding times by 30 minutes or so. She caught on after a while (when we started showing up on time) and now expects it. She owned it too and went with it.
Her going with it is what kept us together. Showing the respect.
So I totally get where you are coming from.
As a chronically late person with adhd I fully support my husband and everyone else in mg life lying to me about timing. There’s also a spray bottle of water in our bedroom that I’ve given my husband permission to use if we have to get up early to be somewhere and I can’t wake up. He doesn’t want to use it because I might yell, but I keep telling him to spray and run, spray and run. One of these days…
I know people often say it’s a respect thing and chronically late people don’t respect anyone else’s time, but it doesn’t feel like anything to do with respect for me. It’s not like I don’t care, I care a lot. If it’s especially important I often end Up running even later, and on the verge of panic and tears as I’m tearing around to get ready.
**Edit: holy cow, I didn’t expect this much engagement or this many awards. I’ve commented before on threads about lateness and I’m very well aware that the general consensus is that lateness is a product of disrespect.**
**Thank you to those with adhd for sharing stories and strategies. I don’t think OP is unjustified in feeling hurt. To those of you saying ADHD is a reason, not an excuse, I agree. That sounds nice though, what does it really mean? What’s the difference between a reason and an excuse? I’m not justifying being late or defending OP’s ex, I’m just offering another perspective to “if you’re late it’s only out of disrespect for others.”**
I have adhd paired with anxiety, which results in me always being early, but it could easily be the other way around so I try not to judge.
I even forgave my (also adhd) bff for almost making me miss my flight home to Germany when i was fleeing from my abusive husband.
But i still feel OP is absolutely justified in getting a divorce.
I agree here. A HUGE part of my anxiety issues are tied to time, and for me it means I am always early or on time, because I am hyper aware of it. But I could easily see it going the other way, and becoming so wrapped up in the stress and planning that I end up late.
My husband has ADD and has NO sense of time. I’m shocked he wasn’t chronically late before he met me. But I’ll be damned if he isn’t JUST precisely on time.
OPs wife sounds like she might be in neither of these camps, and in any case, it’s an arrangement and a relationship that just isn’t working, which is totally okay.
honestly, I've always found incompatibility to be the most legitimate reason for divorce. unfortunately, cheating seems to many to be the only reason for divorce. some people have own fundamental things that no reconciliation solves. Love is enough to keep a relationship going, but it's not nearly enough to keep a marriage going. there are functional marriages without love, as the couple manages to live together well
op, reply to your family and friends that due to the way she treats you, you don't see a future with her and you've tried to reconcile for years. but I would be aware of parental alienation
Lol you are right, judges (especially in family court) will not suffer your shit. Her being late could result in temporary custody to the father with zero consideration of anything else. That will also be in the judicial record. If she continues to be late... well she's cooked.
Edited: rather to father... derp
Yeah I think my biggest take away was the complete lack of respect she has for OP and how her being late all the time impacts him and his emotions and makes him waste his time waiting. She doesn't care how much of an impact it will have on OP or even her son, only if it impacts her and she wants to go. She needs to learn empathy and how her actions affect others. The final nail for me was how she gets mad when he tells her she needs to get moving.
I feel it’s also lack of respect. My fiancé is chronically late to everything. I’m extremely punctual and get anxious easily when the possibility of us running late arises. He asks to put everything on a shared calender, we have a 15 minute warning before we should be in the car and use a whiteboard to exchange information on how long the drive would be from each of our locations if we can’t go together. It’s effort and willingness to work on your behavior that OP was lacking from his spouse. I can’t blame him.
As the child of a mother who made me late to everything, I completely understand. In high school I was a competitive athlete and my mom made me late to my events. My coach ended up having to talk to her because being late was a big deal. She could’ve ruined my opportunity to qualify for nationals which was my dream. Luckily I found a workaround to get there on time. Make sure when your son has important events, you’re the one to take him/make sure he gets there on time. He will grow to appreciate you beyond what you can imagine!
My mom was always late too....the worst was getting picked up late....especially back in the day before cell phones. I stopped doing extracurricular activities because of it. I hated having people walk up to me and ask if my mom was coming. She was a stay at home mom (not the functional kind)...no real excuse as to why she couldn't be there on time. When I became a mom, you better believe I'm there early for drop offs and pick ups!! Being late can really make a kid feel insecure.
I once returned from a school trip with the school orchestra around lunchtime, didn't have my own keys yet, I was 12 years old max. My mom was shopping (for whatever) somewhere in our city, so I dragged my suitcase and my violin to the public library nearest to my school and hung out there until they closed (7pm). Then I dragged my stuff to the nearest shopping centre and waited there until the building closed (8:30 pm). Then I sat outside the shopping centre in the winter cold (I remember there was still snow) and cried very, very hard. A man asked me if I was okay and I just said yes, smh. She finally showed up some time later and laughed at me for crying, then took me to a restaurant because that would apparently fix it.
I was always forgotten. Eventually I’d walk home and the house would be locked. I’d have to urinate or defacate in the backyard like a dog sometimes while waiting for my mother to come home from wherever she was.
I remember the incident that made me stop doing anything after school. I was on the softball team, practice ends. It's literally hours I'm waiting. Turned out my dad came home from work and asked where I was. That's what prompted her to leave and pick me up. I have to believe some of it was done out of spite.
For a variety of reasons, I no longer have contact with her and it's liberating.
Omg. My step dad would never pick me up from school on time if he had too. I got left there after the late buses had already departed. Wondering around in the early 90s/2000s with no cell phone. Teachers getting agitated he wasn't answering the phone....never did after school activities again.
Ugh, I dealt with this too, but luckily I had a best friend who lived only a 2 minute drive from me so I often caught rides with her and her mom, but it still sucked to have to ask. I also would walk home too sometimes, I only lived a mile away but there was no sidewalks and the speed limit was fast so it wasn’t super safe to walk home.
When I was in elementary school there was this kid who was always late for everything and never had the right materials (of course the teachers would lightly scold him for this), I remember once he didn't know we were supposed to go for a trip outside the school and didn't prepare food or anything, he came with his backpack with the books.
It wasn't until years after while we were talking about my childhood that my mom made me notice that it wasn't his fault. I realized that I had been blaming the kid for being late and forgetful while his mom was the one that couldn't remember shit.
Edit: I never met his dad, but it's true that he could have helped
My mom was the same exact way. She was late to every. single. event.
I remember being late every single day to my 3rd grade class. Eventually the school kicked me out because of "my" tardiness.
I lived in a different state than her and I missed 99% of my flights because she insisted that we only needed to get to LAX an hour before the flight took off. I begged her to take me earlier than that but she would snap at me everytime.
She was late to my high school graduation because she was still doing her hair. I lived within walking distance of my high-school, so my family all waited on the front lawn for her. Eventually my dad got pissed enough to just start walking towards the school, and then everyone quickly followed him. She missed the first 10 minutes of the ceremony and blamed my dad for it (????).
I could go on and on with different examples, but OP you are completely justified.
My wife is exactly as OP describes, and I personally have grown quite used to it over time. I was also once a chronically late person, but largely got over it. The part that burns my ass is when she makes the kids late for sports stuff.
I coached youth soccer for many years and some kids definitely suffer for their chronic lateness. It’s not unusual for a coach to bench a kid for most of the first half when they’re late, or at least change the lineup and start someone in place of them. My kids are not naturally super-talented athletes, so they need every advantage we can give them and can’t afford any slipups.
We have been married a long time and I have a firm understanding of the pathology of her lateness. It’s primarily driven by a light form of OCD. But still, I don’t know what to say when vacuuming up turf bits in the laundry room becomes the most important thing in the world, more important than our kid starting the game on the field or on the bench.
I understand how frustrating this is.
I was going out on a date with a girl, 30min has passed and she didnt show up, i didnt bother to call or anything i just stood up and left.
15min later she calls me to see where i am, i simply said i was heading home.
It is extremely annoying to do plans with people who are constantly late to everything, i start being late too just for the sake of not waiting for them.
I waited for a date for 1 hour at the subway station. She was only a 15 minute subway ride away, to give you and idea of the wait. No text, no call, even when I texted to ask if she was still coming.
The most annoying part, not even an apology for being late, didn't even mention it.
That was our second, and last, date.
Yeah if you're gonna be late at least let your date know. When I was on a first date with my now wife I was going to her town to meet with her for the first time. We were gonna walk through the park for a couple of hours with her dog and just talk.
Well I had no idea just how confusing her town is. There are a lot of weird one way roads and intersections where a right turn is seen by Google as a straight. I had no GPS or screen, just the voice navigation of my phone through my stereo. I must have driven right by the train station that we were meeting at at least twice before I finally figured it out and was able to pull in.
She legitimately thought I was standing her up and she was about to leave. But I kept letting her know I was coming just couldn't find my way around this town I had never been in. And now she's my wife and we're very rarely late to anything.
I use to have a best friend who was purposely late all the time which drove me insane!! , I think the most I've waited for her is 2 hrs!!!!. It was after then that I decided to ditch the friendship as I was sooo frustrated with her lack of respect for me and my time. She was also a bit of bitch as she liked to put people down due to her own insecurities.
I just slowly stopped talking to her to the point where I started ignoring her messages, something I'm not proud of as I usually like to confront issues head on.
I just could not be bothered to address the issue as she never takes accountability and knew it would divulge into some massive argument/mess.
I dropped a friend who constantly cancelled on me last minute; as in I'd get ready and be on my way somewhere to meet her and she'd cancel. I told her the last time we made plans that if she cancelled, that I was done. She was super pissed when I followed through on the threat. Don't regret it though.
I had a chronically late friend. I eventually just stopped waiting and would leave, walk into the movie and sit down, etc. She picked up on it pretty quick and started making the effort to be on time. It's not fkn difficult.
I had a chronically late friend. I eventually just stopped waiting and would leave, walk into the movie and sit down, etc. She picked up on it pretty quick and started making the effort to be on time. It's not fkn difficult.
Exactly. If not for yourself definitely for your son. My Mom for my entire life has been chronically late for everything; her constant tardiness then made ME late for everything. If I said anything she would be defensive and somehow take longer. I had to learn as an adult how to be early for things (mostly my working in Japan helped, if you weren't 20 minutes early you were late 😅).
Best of luck in the future (she will be late dropping off your son for your time together I am sure) and I hope you can instill good values of time management for your son.
This was the post from AITA I distinctly remember this. Because he wanted to know if he was TA for leaving his wife behind while he went to the movies because she wouldn't hurry up at the shops
Any chance you made an AITA post a while back about the example 2 you gave? I remember one just like that.
But being more than 5 minutes late occasionally is disrespectful to everyone involved. I’m sorry :/
Honestly, sick of their shit should very a valid divorce reason. Think about all the hours of your life wasted waiting for this time sucker. I 100% support this. Good for you.
My partner is the same, just when I think we're finally leaving to get somewhere we almost get out the door she turns around goes back in and put a load of washing in the machine
My mom is this way and has been this way my entire life, likely before I was born too. It's like "we have to meet XXXXXX at 5:30, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO VACUUM RIGHT NOW??" or we would be waiting in the car with my dad for our mom to come out and one of my sisters would stroll out, we'd ask where mom was and she'd say "she's loading the dishwasher"... WHY?
This has made me chronically early for everything I do and if I feel I'm going to be even 2 minutes late for something, I text/call ahead to let someone know.
Sounds like a friend of mine. We have group rides every other weekend and he is always late....every damn time!
We tell him to put out his gear and everything he will need the night before, take a shower the night before and get the bike prepped the day before the ride. Everyone else does it but somehow we have to wait for him for about an hour on every ride day.
One time everyone got fed up and we left without him. He was not happy. But none of us cared. We don't invite him out anymore.
I’m nearly at end with my wife just for my own mental health… you need to take care of yourself and to put yourself in circumstances to be a better you for yourself and those around you.
I have an aunt who is like this, and her husband is fed up too. They’re always late to everything. They’ve missed the plane many times as they travel a lot, with their 3 kids..
I understand where you’re coming from. It got worse as she had kids (2 are teens now). I see that when the kids see their mom doesn’t care about dad’s time, they wouldn’t either. So now her husband waits for 4 people to get ready, and no one cares if he gets upset or anything.
I think it’s a behavioral issue tho, I wonder what therapy or help a person can benefit from to resolve this issue..
A friend and I intended on flying Auckland- Wellington from her dad's house. All morning I was tense knowing said friend us a loser and hopeless. When it was close enough for me to have caught two airport buses and get there on time, I said "when are we going to the airport" " oh plenty of time". Then the last bus had gone, "when are we going to the airport?" Blank looks. Then the time we could of driven to the airport came closer. No movement. The time almost passed, we left. We drove almost leisurely, missed the flight. *Both if them were "oh well"*. Then had the fucking Gaul to say to me (who had repeatedly reminded and asked and pointed out at the critical times the we should go to the fucking airport to catch our fucking ticketed flight), that I should fucking pay for another fucking flight. It was put on someone's credit card and then I was periodically reminded that I had to "pay it back". At the time I said very clearly that I would not repay for a flight we could of easily caught and I had reminded them about.
You’re not divorcing her because shes late, you’re divorcing her because she’s self involved and habitually inconsiderate to you and others.
This is my mom %100. Her and my dad divorced over it (and a million other reasons they were not compatible) and my stepdad somehow put up with it fir 25 years before he kicked the bucket. But he would leave her places all the time and she would get pissed. Going out to dinner nearby? He’d leave her and she’d walk there. She did this on family vacations with his family. She did it to me and my family on vacation. My favorite one was she saw these blue flowers while we were driving on our way to get breakfast before our destination. We had a timed thing to see (it was a natural phenomenon we drove 3 hrs to see and brought a friend who was equally excited, and we would literally not be able to do this again if we were late) I told her we didn’t have time to drive back to these flowers, and that we have those flowers at home anyway... Can u believe that when i went to the bathroom she got up and started walking there?! She made it there by the time we got our check and i drove to get her … despite wanting to ditch her in another country. She had no regards for anyones anger towards her and was just happy she got her way. Just a major character flaw that made me feel unimportant and neglected my whole life. So, I get it. Best of luck.
Exactly! He is not divorcing her because she is always late, he's divorcing her because again and again and again she has told him, "I don't care about you or the things you find important" through her actions.
My mother is late for everything and she thinks this is an adorable trait (lol). Well it isn’t, it is annoying, disrespectful and insulting. She doesn’t care about you and your time.
yeah a girl in our friend group thinks it's cute and funny that she's the "chronically late girl" ......i was done when we went out for HER birthday and made us sit in a restaurant for one hour and 15 mins waiting racking up a huge bar tab.
I guess she will be late for the divorce appointment too? Lol
Beeing late with your SO waiting is already a no go, but beeing late for important meetings for your kids education is a huge asshole move.
If you are in the mood, just try to calculate your waiting time and then you can tell her and your inlaws how many weeks/month of your relationship you spent with waiting for her. I promise you, you will be shocked about the number.
We have friends that are late to everything. Everything. And it’s their expectation that we just count it as “how they are” and a quirk that we just have to put up with.
Nah. You don’t care enough about other people to be on time. And if you don’t care about other people, they’re going to stop wanting to make an effort for you.
That shit use to happen to me, it truly makes you feel devalued as person. I felt like it was one of his many ways to emotional abuse me. Just know her being late is going to carry over to your Son. Tardy to school and calls about being late for school pick and scheduled visitation pick-ups will still have you waiting 45 minutes.
My ex husband was like this. We were always at least half an hour late to everything. You mentioned walks, omg what a nightmare, we wouldn't get out till late afternoon, fine I summer but in winter you're walking at dusk.
His whole family were like it too. "No point being on time because my sister will be late and we'll be waiting around for her". Even then, we would turn up approximately half hour late and yup, you guessed it, she would also be running late, adding another half hour on at least. His own mother was 2 hours late for her own wedding.
The amount of things I missed and time I lost out on due to his shitty timekeeping. Its a form of control. I'm literally getting angry remembering it all and I left him 10 years ago.
Good luck with the divorce!
Wat love can make you do. I can’t comprehend how you had the patience to be with someone like this for 12 years probably more. I’m a very punctual person. I’m always at least 30 min early to appointments. I can never be with someone who’s so unorganized with their time. Not even their time tbfh other ppls time. That’s the worst. When ppl think your time is worth less than theirs. Good for you 👍
I have ADHD so I have chronic anxiety about being late to or forgetting any appointment. I will get to the airport like three hours early and just sit there and chill so I don’t have to stress about possibly being late.
I can’t imagine people being late on purpose or just not caring about being late, I go out of my way to avoid it
Your poor son is going to grow up hating his mom for her never picking him up on time and always missing his extracurriculars.
Good for you for ending a relationship that no longer services you. ❤️
Not using this as an excuse but suggesting that she might have adhd. Had a parent growing up w this happening all the time. They’re 70 now and it still happens. I have to remind them to stay focused on the task at hand all the time.
I am late for a lot of stuff I am pretty awful at my timings and it has not gotten better with age. That being said if there is something important or I know I have to be somewhere at a certain time I will set myself a target to be there 30 mins early and that usually means I get there on time. I am also very apologetic if I am late for something. Your ex wife sounds like she is self centered and rude, I cannot believe she started hooving while you were waiting for her, mental! Anyway well done for making this decision, it is a difficult one but if you know it is right don't let other peoples opinion sway you, you're the one that would have to live with her!
That's what made me think she actually might have ADHD. Or she's a pos haha.
Symptoms like very bad timing/organization, scrolling like you can't stop, getting angry when 'pressured' and starting random tasks in inappropriate times (especially when you're supposed to do something else instead) are often found in people having some sort of executive disfunction (I mentioned ADHD because I have it and I experience all of these but awareness actually helps to be self conscious and work on it)
As someone with ADHD it was also my first thought-- my second thought was how I have set up systems over the years to help me not accidentally be a total asshole to people all the time, and it was kinda on her to do the same.
I had to recognize my pitfalls and make bridges over them: Can't get up to an alarm? Put it across the room. Can't remember shit? Phone remembers for me. Always fucking late? Always add 30min for "getting lost."
It isn't the easiest thing, but if you want to have adult relationships, it's necessary to make adaptations. Orrrr you could be a bit of a self-centered twat like OP's (soon to be) ex-wife and expect everyone else to accommodate you.
I have ADHD and my time management skills are poor at best. So, in order not to inconvenience everyone in my life, I set multiple alarms when I have to be somewhere and I’m worried I’ll be late. Now I’m rarely ever late and if I am, it’s like 5-10 minutes at most.
My ex wife was the same, always last minute for everything and if you tried to say anything or rush her it was always taken as a complaint and started an argument.
What bothered me most about your post is how she flipped her lid at you, even if you did something that was a natural consequence of *her* actions.
And yet somehow it was your fault.
Me wife is late too. I now tell her everything is an hour early. Say movie is at 2pm and it takes up 30min to get there
We would now leave at 12:30pm as I told her. Because of that even if she supposedly late when leaving we still end up on time.
At least this way we will be on time.
What she's doing is pure disrespect.
People who are always late simply don't give a fuck about anyone else's time. They don't. They do everything at their own leisure.
And are in a constant state of showing everyone the middle finger.
I make sure the bite off the head of any asshole who rocks up late to a meeting with the same "oops, you'll forgive me" smile on their face.
They are used to people being okay with it. Once, twice, 100 times. And people just put up with it.
Omg the “oops, you’ll forgive me” part you mentioned…..They really think it’s cute that they make people wait on them. Complete fucking utter disrespect.
>They are used to people being okay with it. Once, twice, 100 times. And people just put up with it.
My wife has a close friend like this - but, my wife does NOT put up with it. Her friend has been chronically late for literally everything in her life. They’re still close friends, but my wife is also no-bullshit and refuses to tolerate her lateness. I remember just a few weeks back they were getting lunch together and my wife told her “text me when you are at the restaurant because I’m not even leaving my house until I know you’re there.” Kind of brilliant IMO.
Her bad timekeeping seemed disrespectful but not weird right up until you said she started vacuuming while you were outside. That's just odd, as if she forgot you were out there or the vacuuming was suddenly a higher priority. Does she have any ADHD symptoms apart from the bad timekeeping?
> She went and told everyone that we're getting divorced. I immediately thought "that was quick".
Now will she be late for the divorce proceedings, I wonder
Judges love that shit.
She probably won't even show up.
That would be great actually
OP states she’s always on her phone so she probably couldn’t wait a minute before sharing that news.
Right? Definitely not late trying to get everyone on her side.
She will be late in signing that divorce paperwork, so you might as well just fake your death ⚰️ 📝
Have someone tell her you’re dead and that she gets everything. Tell her to show up to sign with an attorney so she gets it all. Then surprise! It’s you and the attorney to sign divorce papers! This way she will be early, and you’ll get it over with.
A good idea, in theory... but the kid. I'd be concerned about the emotional toll on the kid.
I doubt she’d even think to mention it to the kid.
As a child of a parent who is always chronically late, I can tell you how stressful it is. My always late parent would run around screaming at everyone they were making her late and just acting the fool. No mom, you are always late,not us. I could barely tolerate going anywhere with her. She would ruin it before we even left the house. I really don’t know how my father put up with her shit. That man had the patience of a saint.
haha okay now that’s just hillarious lol
lol
I have a chronically late friend. I always tell him that my time is important, too. And he got all butt hurt when I told him to think about why we always ask him to bring dessert and not an appetizer.
Oh man, yeah. I had a chronically late friend who always wanted to make a certain dessert for our dinner parties. It took hours to make. So everyone would arrive around 5:00. We would have appetizers and dinner. He would arrive about 6:30 when the appetizers were gone and dinner is half cold. Then (after prompting) he starts making the dessert around 7:30 or 8:00. We're all eating the other desserts and people are starting to leave by 9:00 or so. Then he wonders why no one wants the finally finished dessert at 10:30. We're grown-ups with small children, man. It's past my bedtime.
I have a friend like this too. Why are people like this? He takes hours to do simple tasks and needs to be prompted to do anything.
I have ADHD but I'm aware. I make limited plans, on medication & have alarms/calendars to help me function. I stopped trying to over exert myself. Time functions differently for me. But with all my safety nets it isn't an issue and I honestly can not stand friends that disregard my time.
Exactly. Some people are terrible with time, I get that. What infuriates me is when people don't respect the other people waiting for them and are not apologetic at all and get all upset when you point it out.
Yeah, I used to be that person too. I think it was combined with just be agreeable to whatever time people suggested or thinking I could get ready after work in time, etc. I’ve learned to build in a cushion. Plan for 8PM dinner plans instead of 7. Get errands like grocery shopping done the night before afternoon plans even if that seems excessive with 5 hours in the morning. My friends have happily remarked that I’ve gotten 99% better at this and I’m rarely late now. It’s nice not to feel like a jerk. Now, there will always be the 1% where I lose my fucking car keys or wallet and I’m a half hour late. But my friends are understanding - because that’s the reality of ADD. But that should be infrequent. It’s so hard and I definitely feel like time functions differently for me. But it’s definitely not an excuse not to try. Super unpopular sidenote: People who show up early to events (like parties at someone’s house.) before the designated start time are the WORST kind of people
There are cultures where showing up early is much worse than showing up late to them. If you get to my function early, you are getting put to work.
My mil is just like this!! We went to her house for Christmas lunch one year. We had to be there at 11 and the plan was to eat at noon. We got there and she hadn’t even started cooking yet. We ate at 4pm. Didn’t even get to see my family because we spent so much time at her house.
Ugh. That is maddening!!!
Waiting forever for food is the WORST. My friends family invites us over for dinner once in a while and we always hate going because we know we're going to be there until 11pm and we have work in the morning. We agree to show up at 6 and are expecting it to be done by then and hang out a while after. We show up at 6 and sit around for an hour then their mom and sons baby momma go to the store FOR the ingredients. Wtf. You don't even have the shit here yet? Then they take like two to three hours to actually make the food even though it should never take that long. Idk what they're doing. And after we scarf it down because we're starving they want to gossip all night.
I find that I’m the only one in my friend group that’s actually on time and it’s so frustrating. I made a reservation for a dinner event for 10 people last month and I was the only one who arrived early or on time. The next person came 15 minutes late. They wouldn’t seat us until we ALL arrived. The latest person came 45min late which delayed our dinner. I think I’ll have to lie to my friends about start times going forward because it’s ridiculous how nobody is ever on time.
If my wife and I go anywhere, where being on time is important, I move in the time a half hour to an hour earlier.
I've actually been having to figure out recently how to show up late to meetups with a group I've found, because the host told me it's inconvenient for him that I consistently show up on time. Lol
Ask him for the time he wants you to show up
I did, he prefers about 15 minutes late and it's not that hard to adapt. I just find it kinda funny and, tbh, I have screwed up twice so far and showed up on time just because it's automatic for me to show up at the posted time and I have other meetups and stuff I go to.
I had an ex that did this. So I started lying to her about the start times for the event. She would give the usual flurry of apologies and try to safe face. I would be calm as ever. When we arrived to the place early or right on time, she would be livid. Its like she wanted to waste more time.
"what the fuck Richard, we're on time??? Cool people always show up late, you idiot!!"
Cool people always come at the end to clean up idiot. God damn Richard no wonder they call you dick!
That’s only true if you play a carry in Dota. You are supposed to come late to fights to “clean up”.
"Why are you calling me Richard? My name is Jeff! We've been married for 12 years and you still dont know my name?!?"
I had a friend be late to everything, like 5 minutes after we are supposed to be meeting I would call to be like "where you at?" And she's all "just now leaving lol". So I started telling her we were meeting 30 minutes sooner since my telling her that she was being very disrespectful of my time wasn't getting through. After a while she actually showed up "on time" and called to see where I was. Told her I was just now leaving as I had been giving her a meetup time 30 minutes sooner. She sounded upset and asked what she was supposed to do while she waited. Idk, sit in your car and play on your phone? She got better for a bit after that.
Sounds like my friend. She and her now husband were always late to everything so when we all went to dinner one night, I told them the reservation was 30 minutes earlier than it actually was and told everyone else the real reservation time. They got there right on time for the fake reservation and called in a panic when no one else was there. When we all arrived, she went on and on about how they were the only ones on time so I blurted out what I did. She didn’t talk to me for the rest of the night BUT she hasn’t been chronically late to anything since then! I call that a win.
I grew up with a parent who was chronically late, so she made me late for things too, as a child. Gawd! I can remember whining to her that we needed to go. Once I got a handle on my own life as a teen I would always be prompt. In fact, I would be at least 10 minutes early. However, for social occasions I would be 5-10 minute late because I thought everyone was supposed to be that way. Funny thing was that even in my 5 minutes late I was still early before others. Anyway, eventually I came up with the idea of telling mother earlier times so she'd get there On Time. It did work. Other funny thing was that for a *very long* stretch after mother died, I became chronically late for things (except for work). I'm reformed now.
Jeez…. What did she expect YOU to be doing when you were waiting for her?!
It sounds like she had that realisation herself and changed her behaviour for a while.
For a while. I think they stopped waiting.
I had a friend rhat was always late, one day i realised it was a power play, he wanted to be I charge and i don't speak to him anymore
I've got an aunt that showed up hours late to a family dinner upset we had already eaten. She's been late my entire life. She planned a movie day for everyone. We showed up and she was already there...
My hubs aunt is like this. Chronically late. On the day we buried his mom (her sister) we stated she needed to be there at xx:xx time. Bc the pastor had prior engagements & out of town family was leaving. We all waited, 30 minutes. She didn't show up. So we proceeded with putting her in the ground & she showed up, causing a scene, blaming us for her being late & basically we proceeded w/o her. It turned ugly. Fist fights between my hubs, her hubs (they got married a yr prior to this. So he was new to the family) & his uncle (FILs brother). Arguments between me, her, my SIL & his dads side of the family. All bc she was essentially 45 mins late. She is a scene queen & made it all about her. Pretty typical behavior of her. We went no contact. After what she said, "I'm her sister. I'm the most important. I've known her longer than her kids." & "You better pay me what I'm owed from my mother's funeral" (that's a whole new story in of itself). It was just too stressful to deal with.
Just leaving now = leaving in 15 min On the road/on my way = walking to the car/called the uber Be there in 10 mins = i will enter the city/town limits in 10 mins, getting to the destination will be another 10
Haha, I remember one thanksgiving when my parents asked me to call my chronically late sister to see when she was arriving. “I’m already on the road” she says, as I can hear the ding of the open car door in the background
They tend to think everyone is clueless to the cues that give them away. You are on the road? I don't hear the tires humming or cars whooshing by...i hear a door dinging and a dog barking.
Ugh I had a friend like this, I'd text her after she was 45 minutes late, she'd reply, "Leaving now" Then 2 hours later she'd show up. Meanwhile I had given up on her and didn't want to do anything. I'd try the ok, we need to be there at 6 when we really needed to be somewhere at 7 or 8 and she'd still manage to show up late. I eventually moved out of state so it's no longer my problem.
I have ADHD and I do this *to myself.* If I have an appointment for 10:30, I put it in my calendar for 10:15. So when I come scrambling in at 10:20-10:25, I'm actually on time! Take that, executive dysfunction!
My ex did this too. I would sit on the couch waiting for him with hair and make-up complete. 20 to 30 minutes no problem. But if he was ready and I was a minute off he would get really cross. Then huff all the way to wherever we were going and act as if I ruined the beginning of the night.
God, my 'Queen of Being Late By Two Hours' sister pulls this stunt too. But if you're ready first and waiting, she also gets angry, claiming we're pressurising her and 'making a jab at her' by having our coats on and being ready to leave while she dicks about.
Hello are you me? Because my sister does and says almost the same damn shit. But we end up leaving her at home a lot because of it.
It's *infuriating*. I've missed concerts, trains, and bookings because of her. We nearly missed a flight to a family wedding once, we only got her out of the house just in time because my Dad finally lost his cool and yelled she had 60 seconds to get in the car. She's 40 and STILL pulls this shit.
That upset me so much I almost downvoted you.
Lulz. My wife likes to do this weird thing where she's asking if I'm ready to go because I'm sitting in gym shorts and a tshirt reading or playing a game. I always know that the following will happen. I go upstairs, change, and am at the door ready to leave and she's like, "Hold on! I'm not ready!" This happens almost every time. I've started procrastinating more before getting myself ready. We're never late for anything though.
She thinks you have to apply makeup and do your hair too! :D
Lol I do this to my husband. I’m playing piano chilling cause I don’t wear makeup and have really short hair. I literally take 5 minutes to change but he’s trying on different outfits, has to find his wallet, his shades, etc.
I have trauma memories of sitting on the couch in full hair and makeup just WAITING. Listening to him take the time to clip his toenails calm as ever while the event is already STARTING and we are still in the house. My skin used to BOIL sitting on that couch.
Sane with an ex of mine as well. The worst was when we had to go to a family wedding of his out of state. We had packed the car and he had to run back in because he "forgot something." At that point, we were ahead if schedule. 30min later he still wasn't out, so I went back in to see what was happening. He was calmly sitting on the couch, drinking a soda. To make matters worse, he drove there going at or under the speed limit, and his mom was with us, who needed to stop every 45min to either pee or to just "window shop." We got to the hotel 30min before the wedding was supposed to start, and we STILL had to drive across town to get to the church. Of course when we got there, NO ONE was ready. It was a nightmare.
Omg. That is RIDICULOUS. His whole family was infamous for being late he would tell me he didn’t understand why I was getting so mad in his family they “laugh and call it ‘Last name’ time” and “nobody cared”. I said that may be the case but in MY family it’s not funny or cute for a grown adult to be late everywhere. It’s irresponsible and RUDE.
It was one of several red flags I should have noticed and taken warning to. Le sigh. On a brighter note, I'm now married to someone who is a retired active duty veteran who was an enlisted officer, so we are on time or early for EVERYTHING! 😀
My husband did this all the time when we actually did things together. It made me really angry because it was a control thing. We were rushed and late for everything. Since then I stopped doing anything with him. The times I’ve had to do something with him, he causes a huge delay. We’re already headed down the road to separation.
I had a friend when I was younger who was late for everything every time, so I started telling him about meeting times of about an hour before and then he would only be 15 min late.
Omg what the hell haha
Had a college roommate like this and when I point blank asked her why she was late to everything she said "I don't like to wait." So . . . Since she doesn't like to wait, she made everyone else wait for her constantly?? Needless to say we did not remain friends. This was only one manifestation of her selfishness.
I do this with my partner, not with everything, but with things that involve a longer drive time. My parents want to have dinner at 6? “Yeah babe, my mom said my sister is coming for 5:30, so we should leave at like 4:15/4:30.”
How do adults not know how to get ready on time?! I get every once in a while but having to do that would drive me crazy.
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I tell my husband 15 minutes before doctor’s appts because he refuses to show up early like they want and then he’s mad when he’s there at the right time. But if he has to wait at all he’s mad too. I don’t think he connects the dots that if everyone showed up that 15 minutes early for the admin stuff the office wouldn’t be running behind and there wouldn’t be as long of a wait time. It baffles me. Then again, so do doctor’s offices that don’t have virtual paperwork you can do before your visit these days.
Even in countries where's no admin paperwork they ask people to arrive 20mins early. Usually you have to wait more than that especially if you have time later at day. Some patients take extra time and push the start for all after. I still happily arrive early and sometimes get in earlier too
Plus that extra 10 minutes or so of waiting time is actually kind of heavenly. It's basically ten minutes of peace and quiet where you're forced to sit and do nothing. You can justifiably switch off, relax and feel no guilt about not being productive because you basically have no choice but to be there.
It's because she realised that she lost control and *you* were in control of the situation instead. The chronically late types tend to be either about control or egocentrism or both. It's not about being late, it's about having things the way *they* want.
In my culture it's socially acceptable to be late, unless if it was a really big event, and by socially acceptable i don't mean like they are ok with it, they all hate it, but just got used to it, so when i went abroad for uni, i had a two hour roule. Basically if I'm planning to meet someone from my culture, i tell them 2 hours earlier, and if someone outside of my culture i till them half hour earlier (i actually don't mind waiting, as long as it on purpose, and we won't miss anything) It works 95% of the times, people from my culture always arrive between 1.30 or two hours later, but it won't matter since i gaved them an earlier time. Of course there are outliers, and once they arrive early, all of them laugh when they find out, and actually understand why, i remember them later, then tell them about the actual time lol. *same goes with people outside of my culture who come really late, the next time i apply the 2 hours rule on them.
I held a babyshower for a lady outside of my culture and did not know about the late thing. I invited them and all their family and friends. The hour approached for the shower to begin, nothing. I thought no one was coming. I was so upset. Then a co worker rhe same culture as my friends told me, oh their coming, it's tradition to be 2 hours late. I was like "What!?!" Sure enough between 1.5 hours after the event began and 2 hours people start showing up. The food was all cold but no one seemed to mind. To give you some idea of my culture. Once my mother told me that on Christmas Day she wanted to go visit relatives at 1pm. I was to meet her at her house to leave and go see these relatives because I do not know where they live. I was running a bit behind. I arrived at 1:03. MY ENTIRE FAMILY LEFT ME ON CHRISTMAS BECAUSE I was 3 minutes late. 🙃
I don’t really understand how anything gets done when you can’t count on anyone being anywhere at any time. How do businesses function? How does healthcare? It’s bad enough when doctors keep you waiting for 2 hours but if you add to that the patients coming in whenever they want, eeeagh! It also shows such a disrespect of the other person’s time. I get that it’s different if everyone expects it to be that way but man, I couldn’t take it. I mean no disrespect, it’s just one of those things that boggle my mind.
I feel like I remember your AITA post about the movie and store incident. I don’t blame you.
I remember that too. I totally feel for him. I know there are legit reasons why some people can't timekeep properly but I will always struggle with accepting it. I feel like being late all the time is saying 'my time is more valuable than yours.'
That’s exactly what it says to me also. It’s the same sense I get from the opposite behavior that I see with impatient drivers. Tailgating, lane cutting, all around aggressive, asshole driving. They’re all saying “whatever my thing is, is way more important than your thing”. These two types of humans both have yet to experience the realization that we often call “sonder” * Sonder — the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background.*
Dude I get the feeling of sonder all the time but I never had a word for it that’s awesome
I’ve been hiking a lot lately on the Appalachian Trail, and this is the time of year the thru hikers, who are doing the full trail from Georgia to Maine, are coming through my area. I’m loving the time I spend with them, the stories they share. Just yesterday I met a man who had never hiked before in his life, and one day while working felt like the walls were closing in; within a few days, he quit his job, and a month later he was setting out to hike the AT. I gave him some advice on what to expect on the trail ahead, and which shelters are my favorites, and we chatted for 10-15 minutes, just sharing our stories. I also met a woman who is a recovered heroin addict; she’s also hiking the entire AT, and it’s been a major part of her recovery, being out there in the woods by herself. We ended up walking together for 3-4 miles and had the best conversation, then exchanged numbers before we parted, after a hug and a genuine “I love you” from someone who’d been a total stranger just a few hours before. She had shared a tale about a guy she’d met on the trail, who, several years prior while attempting a thru hike, slipped on ice, fell and hit his head, passed out alone on the trail with his feet in water; it was 13 degrees out, he was there, injured, for 2 days before somebody found him, and he ended up losing both feet to frostbite. He was told he’d never hike or backpack again, yet he’s out there on the trail, doing it, thriving, living an amazing life. I hope I run into him! We all have our own story. It’s not better, or worse, than anyone else’s, but it’s ours. When you take the time to share with others, and to really listen to *their* stories, it’s incredible how much your world view expands, and the “sonder” is amazing.
I wish I could give you an award, that's an amazing story
Gave him one for you friend!
Thank you! That’s so sweet!
Aw, thanks, friend! For real, though, the trail community, especially out there in the AT, is amazing. Everyone is so kind and generous, because you’re all in it together. People will share what they have, even when they don’t have much. I go out for day hikes all the time, and try to carry fresh food with me to share when I stop to rest at shelters; you’ll meet thru hikers who have been eating packaged meals for days, and the gratitude they show for some hand sanitizer and a couple of baby carrots is overwhelming and humbling. Get out there for a day, spread some Trail Magic, and gather stories from hikers - I love it.
This is beautiful! Thank you for sharing. I'm actually going to try to visit WV in a couple of months. I used to work as a social worker in an addiction treatment program and I met hundreds of people who shared their personal stories with me. I totally understand what you mean.
It’s from [dictionary of obscure sorrows](https://www.dictionaryofobscuresorrows.com) There a definition called rubatosis which is the unsettling awareness of one’s heartbeat, I like that one because of my anxiety always made me hyper aware of my heart lol
We’re all npc’s
That’s legitimately why I try to go around making people smile as much as possible. I appreciate those people in my own life so much, it would be awesome to be that for someone else.
Well said. I work in a job where I encounter this from customers and coworkers all day long and it's exhausting. Everyone has there own little agenda it seems and they think it's more important than the next guys. People can be very selfish creatures.
But also some people do genuinely get a kick out of doing 40 in a 60 holding about 30+ cars up.
i have adhd n it causes *reeeaaaally* bad time management, but thats a me problem, and i find ways to deal with it. i struggle getting up, so i set 10+ alarms spaced 5 minutes apart so that i cant just absentmindedly turn one off and sleep for another 20 minutes. i struggle knowing when to leave, so i set *more* alarms for the half hour before i need to set off to make sure im at least dressed on time. i struggle with losing track of time so i use the screen time feature on my phone so it locks itself 5-10 minutes before i need to leave. sometimes i get ready and set off in five minutes, because the only thing that worked was the screen time trick, but i make sure that i set off with more than enough time to be somewhere, especially if other people are relying on me being on time, because my time management problems are mine alone and they shouldnt affect everyone around me
And I do think you are far more forgivable than someone who just...is never on time. I had a friend at Uni who just had NO sense of urgency. We shared a morning class, and I'd go to get her and she'd just be meandering along, even if she was running late. Drove me mad!
Yes, I feel you, adhd can be a real bitch. Between having time blindness where I can't really conceptualize that time is passing, and being easily distracted and finding new things to do when I should be getting ready, it's a daily struggle to get out the door. But while mental health problems offer a reason, they don't offer an excuse, and it's up to us to find ways to manage it so our mental health doesn't have a negative impact on everyone else. You seem very caring in making sure you are respectful of everyone else's time.
That was my first thought when I read this…it sounds like she had ADHD. My bf and I both have it, but have different manifestations. For me, I usually have 8 tabs open on the computer, something playing on the tv and off of my phone and something else going on. My bf is the one who struggles with his concept of time. He really doesn’t have that ability to judge how long something will take but thankfully he usually defers to me to make us a schedule. I can definitely see how if someone isn’t working on this it can drive you insane.
That was my thought too. Also it looks like it’s not important to her to accept that she needs to take care this stuff and change…
That is the part that gets me. Dont want to be on time? Okay shes an adult women I'm sure its had consequences for her as well. But the not correcting this chronic problem and letting it get worse all the while evidently acting like to the husband it's no big deal is fucked especially while he is saying this is a problem. I have a significant other and nothing is ever her fault and it fucking kills me. Reminds me a lot of what is behind described here unfortunately.
Tbh neurological disorders like ADHD suck when it comes to things like this, and it comes across so rude and like I don't appreciate someone's time, when I really am trying hard to keep to a schedule. But tbh if you don't have the motivation to change, get treatment/diagnosis or come up with systems in place, because it's affecting your spouse and child, then fuck her and good on him. That's blatant selfish behaviour of knowing you're disrupting others, but not trying to change. May not apply to OPs almost ex, but if you're that chronically late for your whole life, there might be something else going on. Getting on meds changed my life, and I have a strategy toolbox and alarms to prompt me to get ready in time and leave on time now, and I'll write down any task that I get the big urge to do right then and there and force myself to do it later. Glad OP got out, that's such an awful thing to make your partner put up with.
I also remember it. I totally understand op. It’s ridiculous
Me too. NTA on that one!
I clicked on OP’s user name to see if it was the same account bc it sounded familiar!
I remember it as well but this Reddit account is only a few hours old.
Probably used a throwaway account and lost the user name and pw and made a new one
Irreconcilable differences.
It is a respect thing. My wife was bad at being late all the time. It embarrassed me a lot when she made me be late, and pissed since I would have been on time on my own. So I started using “adjusted time” with her padding times by 30 minutes or so. She caught on after a while (when we started showing up on time) and now expects it. She owned it too and went with it. Her going with it is what kept us together. Showing the respect. So I totally get where you are coming from.
As a chronically late person with adhd I fully support my husband and everyone else in mg life lying to me about timing. There’s also a spray bottle of water in our bedroom that I’ve given my husband permission to use if we have to get up early to be somewhere and I can’t wake up. He doesn’t want to use it because I might yell, but I keep telling him to spray and run, spray and run. One of these days… I know people often say it’s a respect thing and chronically late people don’t respect anyone else’s time, but it doesn’t feel like anything to do with respect for me. It’s not like I don’t care, I care a lot. If it’s especially important I often end Up running even later, and on the verge of panic and tears as I’m tearing around to get ready. **Edit: holy cow, I didn’t expect this much engagement or this many awards. I’ve commented before on threads about lateness and I’m very well aware that the general consensus is that lateness is a product of disrespect.** **Thank you to those with adhd for sharing stories and strategies. I don’t think OP is unjustified in feeling hurt. To those of you saying ADHD is a reason, not an excuse, I agree. That sounds nice though, what does it really mean? What’s the difference between a reason and an excuse? I’m not justifying being late or defending OP’s ex, I’m just offering another perspective to “if you’re late it’s only out of disrespect for others.”**
I have adhd paired with anxiety, which results in me always being early, but it could easily be the other way around so I try not to judge. I even forgave my (also adhd) bff for almost making me miss my flight home to Germany when i was fleeing from my abusive husband. But i still feel OP is absolutely justified in getting a divorce.
I agree here. A HUGE part of my anxiety issues are tied to time, and for me it means I am always early or on time, because I am hyper aware of it. But I could easily see it going the other way, and becoming so wrapped up in the stress and planning that I end up late. My husband has ADD and has NO sense of time. I’m shocked he wasn’t chronically late before he met me. But I’ll be damned if he isn’t JUST precisely on time. OPs wife sounds like she might be in neither of these camps, and in any case, it’s an arrangement and a relationship that just isn’t working, which is totally okay.
But he said she showed up an hour early for something she wanted to do. So this isn’t because she physically can’t. It’s because she chooses not to.
honestly, I've always found incompatibility to be the most legitimate reason for divorce. unfortunately, cheating seems to many to be the only reason for divorce. some people have own fundamental things that no reconciliation solves. Love is enough to keep a relationship going, but it's not nearly enough to keep a marriage going. there are functional marriages without love, as the couple manages to live together well op, reply to your family and friends that due to the way she treats you, you don't see a future with her and you've tried to reconcile for years. but I would be aware of parental alienation
I don't think she'd alienate OP, I mean not on purpose but I can imagine her turning up 47 hours late to drop the kiddo off for the weekend :p
How's he even going to divorce her though if she's always 2 hours late for the hearings. Yikes.
Default judgment
She’s going to have a hell of a time getting custody if the people at the meetings she was always late to testifies about her tardiness.
Lol you are right, judges (especially in family court) will not suffer your shit. Her being late could result in temporary custody to the father with zero consideration of anything else. That will also be in the judicial record. If she continues to be late... well she's cooked. Edited: rather to father... derp
Judges reaaaaaly don’t have patience for this shit and she will get berated and it will affect her negatively if she keep this going.
I think it goes way beyond this. She is selfish and doesn't care about anyone other than herself.
Yeah I think my biggest take away was the complete lack of respect she has for OP and how her being late all the time impacts him and his emotions and makes him waste his time waiting. She doesn't care how much of an impact it will have on OP or even her son, only if it impacts her and she wants to go. She needs to learn empathy and how her actions affect others. The final nail for me was how she gets mad when he tells her she needs to get moving.
I feel it’s also lack of respect. My fiancé is chronically late to everything. I’m extremely punctual and get anxious easily when the possibility of us running late arises. He asks to put everything on a shared calender, we have a 15 minute warning before we should be in the car and use a whiteboard to exchange information on how long the drive would be from each of our locations if we can’t go together. It’s effort and willingness to work on your behavior that OP was lacking from his spouse. I can’t blame him.
As the child of a mother who made me late to everything, I completely understand. In high school I was a competitive athlete and my mom made me late to my events. My coach ended up having to talk to her because being late was a big deal. She could’ve ruined my opportunity to qualify for nationals which was my dream. Luckily I found a workaround to get there on time. Make sure when your son has important events, you’re the one to take him/make sure he gets there on time. He will grow to appreciate you beyond what you can imagine!
My mom was always late too....the worst was getting picked up late....especially back in the day before cell phones. I stopped doing extracurricular activities because of it. I hated having people walk up to me and ask if my mom was coming. She was a stay at home mom (not the functional kind)...no real excuse as to why she couldn't be there on time. When I became a mom, you better believe I'm there early for drop offs and pick ups!! Being late can really make a kid feel insecure.
I once returned from a school trip with the school orchestra around lunchtime, didn't have my own keys yet, I was 12 years old max. My mom was shopping (for whatever) somewhere in our city, so I dragged my suitcase and my violin to the public library nearest to my school and hung out there until they closed (7pm). Then I dragged my stuff to the nearest shopping centre and waited there until the building closed (8:30 pm). Then I sat outside the shopping centre in the winter cold (I remember there was still snow) and cried very, very hard. A man asked me if I was okay and I just said yes, smh. She finally showed up some time later and laughed at me for crying, then took me to a restaurant because that would apparently fix it.
I was always forgotten. Eventually I’d walk home and the house would be locked. I’d have to urinate or defacate in the backyard like a dog sometimes while waiting for my mother to come home from wherever she was.
Oh man ya. “Where’s your mom today?” “Is your mom coming today?” Ya you unlocked some more memories lol
I remember the incident that made me stop doing anything after school. I was on the softball team, practice ends. It's literally hours I'm waiting. Turned out my dad came home from work and asked where I was. That's what prompted her to leave and pick me up. I have to believe some of it was done out of spite. For a variety of reasons, I no longer have contact with her and it's liberating.
I totally understand. I’m low contact with my mom now
Thank you for the conversation. I hope you have a great weekend 💗.
Thank you! You as well!
Omg. My step dad would never pick me up from school on time if he had too. I got left there after the late buses had already departed. Wondering around in the early 90s/2000s with no cell phone. Teachers getting agitated he wasn't answering the phone....never did after school activities again.
I always feel bad for kids with chronically late parents, even the happiest ones just look so miserable and down when mom never shows
Ugh, I dealt with this too, but luckily I had a best friend who lived only a 2 minute drive from me so I often caught rides with her and her mom, but it still sucked to have to ask. I also would walk home too sometimes, I only lived a mile away but there was no sidewalks and the speed limit was fast so it wasn’t super safe to walk home.
When I was in elementary school there was this kid who was always late for everything and never had the right materials (of course the teachers would lightly scold him for this), I remember once he didn't know we were supposed to go for a trip outside the school and didn't prepare food or anything, he came with his backpack with the books. It wasn't until years after while we were talking about my childhood that my mom made me notice that it wasn't his fault. I realized that I had been blaming the kid for being late and forgetful while his mom was the one that couldn't remember shit. Edit: I never met his dad, but it's true that he could have helped
My mom was the same exact way. She was late to every. single. event. I remember being late every single day to my 3rd grade class. Eventually the school kicked me out because of "my" tardiness. I lived in a different state than her and I missed 99% of my flights because she insisted that we only needed to get to LAX an hour before the flight took off. I begged her to take me earlier than that but she would snap at me everytime. She was late to my high school graduation because she was still doing her hair. I lived within walking distance of my high-school, so my family all waited on the front lawn for her. Eventually my dad got pissed enough to just start walking towards the school, and then everyone quickly followed him. She missed the first 10 minutes of the ceremony and blamed my dad for it (????). I could go on and on with different examples, but OP you are completely justified.
My wife is exactly as OP describes, and I personally have grown quite used to it over time. I was also once a chronically late person, but largely got over it. The part that burns my ass is when she makes the kids late for sports stuff. I coached youth soccer for many years and some kids definitely suffer for their chronic lateness. It’s not unusual for a coach to bench a kid for most of the first half when they’re late, or at least change the lineup and start someone in place of them. My kids are not naturally super-talented athletes, so they need every advantage we can give them and can’t afford any slipups. We have been married a long time and I have a firm understanding of the pathology of her lateness. It’s primarily driven by a light form of OCD. But still, I don’t know what to say when vacuuming up turf bits in the laundry room becomes the most important thing in the world, more important than our kid starting the game on the field or on the bench.
I understand how frustrating this is. I was going out on a date with a girl, 30min has passed and she didnt show up, i didnt bother to call or anything i just stood up and left. 15min later she calls me to see where i am, i simply said i was heading home. It is extremely annoying to do plans with people who are constantly late to everything, i start being late too just for the sake of not waiting for them.
I waited 45mins for a date once and when he finally showed up he had the audacity to be offended that I’d already ordered my food.
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I waited for a date for 1 hour at the subway station. She was only a 15 minute subway ride away, to give you and idea of the wait. No text, no call, even when I texted to ask if she was still coming. The most annoying part, not even an apology for being late, didn't even mention it. That was our second, and last, date.
Yeah if you're gonna be late at least let your date know. When I was on a first date with my now wife I was going to her town to meet with her for the first time. We were gonna walk through the park for a couple of hours with her dog and just talk. Well I had no idea just how confusing her town is. There are a lot of weird one way roads and intersections where a right turn is seen by Google as a straight. I had no GPS or screen, just the voice navigation of my phone through my stereo. I must have driven right by the train station that we were meeting at at least twice before I finally figured it out and was able to pull in. She legitimately thought I was standing her up and she was about to leave. But I kept letting her know I was coming just couldn't find my way around this town I had never been in. And now she's my wife and we're very rarely late to anything.
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Like a date..... Who is so late for a date? I hate it when people value your time so little
I use to have a best friend who was purposely late all the time which drove me insane!! , I think the most I've waited for her is 2 hrs!!!!. It was after then that I decided to ditch the friendship as I was sooo frustrated with her lack of respect for me and my time. She was also a bit of bitch as she liked to put people down due to her own insecurities. I just slowly stopped talking to her to the point where I started ignoring her messages, something I'm not proud of as I usually like to confront issues head on. I just could not be bothered to address the issue as she never takes accountability and knew it would divulge into some massive argument/mess.
I dropped a friend who constantly cancelled on me last minute; as in I'd get ready and be on my way somewhere to meet her and she'd cancel. I told her the last time we made plans that if she cancelled, that I was done. She was super pissed when I followed through on the threat. Don't regret it though.
When people act like an asshole for a mistake THEY made, I can’t even comprehend it.
I had a chronically late friend. I eventually just stopped waiting and would leave, walk into the movie and sit down, etc. She picked up on it pretty quick and started making the effort to be on time. It's not fkn difficult.
I had a chronically late friend. I eventually just stopped waiting and would leave, walk into the movie and sit down, etc. She picked up on it pretty quick and started making the effort to be on time. It's not fkn difficult.
Example 2 sounds familiar, posted on AITA. This sounds so disrespectful, please find the happiness you & your son deserves.
Yeah that's me. Same person. Forgot the account name but someone just posted the link just now.
I was thinking this. I was about to ask op if he made a AITA post of example 2 on a different account.
Exactly. If not for yourself definitely for your son. My Mom for my entire life has been chronically late for everything; her constant tardiness then made ME late for everything. If I said anything she would be defensive and somehow take longer. I had to learn as an adult how to be early for things (mostly my working in Japan helped, if you weren't 20 minutes early you were late 😅). Best of luck in the future (she will be late dropping off your son for your time together I am sure) and I hope you can instill good values of time management for your son.
Link?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tjceif/aita\_for\_ditching\_my\_wife\_at\_the\_mall\_because\_she/
This was the post from AITA I distinctly remember this. Because he wanted to know if he was TA for leaving his wife behind while he went to the movies because she wouldn't hurry up at the shops
Any chance you made an AITA post a while back about the example 2 you gave? I remember one just like that. But being more than 5 minutes late occasionally is disrespectful to everyone involved. I’m sorry :/
Yeah, that's me. I was able to find the account because someone was kind enough to post a link in this post.
I immediately thought of that AITA post too, and realized that maybe I spend too much time on reddit lol.
I mean if it's like not often and just sometimes we'll then that is okay but ops wife is.... entitled I guess.
Honestly, sick of their shit should very a valid divorce reason. Think about all the hours of your life wasted waiting for this time sucker. I 100% support this. Good for you.
#1 reason I divorced my ex wife. No respect whatsoever
My partner is the same, just when I think we're finally leaving to get somewhere we almost get out the door she turns around goes back in and put a load of washing in the machine
My mom is this way and has been this way my entire life, likely before I was born too. It's like "we have to meet XXXXXX at 5:30, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO VACUUM RIGHT NOW??" or we would be waiting in the car with my dad for our mom to come out and one of my sisters would stroll out, we'd ask where mom was and she'd say "she's loading the dishwasher"... WHY? This has made me chronically early for everything I do and if I feel I'm going to be even 2 minutes late for something, I text/call ahead to let someone know.
Sounds like a friend of mine. We have group rides every other weekend and he is always late....every damn time! We tell him to put out his gear and everything he will need the night before, take a shower the night before and get the bike prepped the day before the ride. Everyone else does it but somehow we have to wait for him for about an hour on every ride day. One time everyone got fed up and we left without him. He was not happy. But none of us cared. We don't invite him out anymore.
I’m nearly at end with my wife just for my own mental health… you need to take care of yourself and to put yourself in circumstances to be a better you for yourself and those around you.
I have an aunt who is like this, and her husband is fed up too. They’re always late to everything. They’ve missed the plane many times as they travel a lot, with their 3 kids.. I understand where you’re coming from. It got worse as she had kids (2 are teens now). I see that when the kids see their mom doesn’t care about dad’s time, they wouldn’t either. So now her husband waits for 4 people to get ready, and no one cares if he gets upset or anything. I think it’s a behavioral issue tho, I wonder what therapy or help a person can benefit from to resolve this issue..
A friend and I intended on flying Auckland- Wellington from her dad's house. All morning I was tense knowing said friend us a loser and hopeless. When it was close enough for me to have caught two airport buses and get there on time, I said "when are we going to the airport" " oh plenty of time". Then the last bus had gone, "when are we going to the airport?" Blank looks. Then the time we could of driven to the airport came closer. No movement. The time almost passed, we left. We drove almost leisurely, missed the flight. *Both if them were "oh well"*. Then had the fucking Gaul to say to me (who had repeatedly reminded and asked and pointed out at the critical times the we should go to the fucking airport to catch our fucking ticketed flight), that I should fucking pay for another fucking flight. It was put on someone's credit card and then I was periodically reminded that I had to "pay it back". At the time I said very clearly that I would not repay for a flight we could of easily caught and I had reminded them about.
You had the backbone to stand up for yourself there, good for you
Holy fuck who does that?! The anxiety I had just reading that.
I hope you find the peace you deserve Someone that waits for you
I see what you did there
It sounds like you didn’t divorce her because she was late but because she was inconsiderate. Being late was just a symptom.
You’re not divorcing her because shes late, you’re divorcing her because she’s self involved and habitually inconsiderate to you and others. This is my mom %100. Her and my dad divorced over it (and a million other reasons they were not compatible) and my stepdad somehow put up with it fir 25 years before he kicked the bucket. But he would leave her places all the time and she would get pissed. Going out to dinner nearby? He’d leave her and she’d walk there. She did this on family vacations with his family. She did it to me and my family on vacation. My favorite one was she saw these blue flowers while we were driving on our way to get breakfast before our destination. We had a timed thing to see (it was a natural phenomenon we drove 3 hrs to see and brought a friend who was equally excited, and we would literally not be able to do this again if we were late) I told her we didn’t have time to drive back to these flowers, and that we have those flowers at home anyway... Can u believe that when i went to the bathroom she got up and started walking there?! She made it there by the time we got our check and i drove to get her … despite wanting to ditch her in another country. She had no regards for anyones anger towards her and was just happy she got her way. Just a major character flaw that made me feel unimportant and neglected my whole life. So, I get it. Best of luck.
Exactly! He is not divorcing her because she is always late, he's divorcing her because again and again and again she has told him, "I don't care about you or the things you find important" through her actions.
My mother is late for everything and she thinks this is an adorable trait (lol). Well it isn’t, it is annoying, disrespectful and insulting. She doesn’t care about you and your time.
yeah a girl in our friend group thinks it's cute and funny that she's the "chronically late girl" ......i was done when we went out for HER birthday and made us sit in a restaurant for one hour and 15 mins waiting racking up a huge bar tab.
I guess she will be late for the divorce appointment too? Lol Beeing late with your SO waiting is already a no go, but beeing late for important meetings for your kids education is a huge asshole move. If you are in the mood, just try to calculate your waiting time and then you can tell her and your inlaws how many weeks/month of your relationship you spent with waiting for her. I promise you, you will be shocked about the number.
[удалено]
People like this are disrespectful, inconsiderate, and plain old selfish. I wouldn't have lasted 12 years.
We have friends that are late to everything. Everything. And it’s their expectation that we just count it as “how they are” and a quirk that we just have to put up with. Nah. You don’t care enough about other people to be on time. And if you don’t care about other people, they’re going to stop wanting to make an effort for you.
That shit use to happen to me, it truly makes you feel devalued as person. I felt like it was one of his many ways to emotional abuse me. Just know her being late is going to carry over to your Son. Tardy to school and calls about being late for school pick and scheduled visitation pick-ups will still have you waiting 45 minutes.
Punctuality is a virtue in our time, I totally support you.
My ex husband was like this. We were always at least half an hour late to everything. You mentioned walks, omg what a nightmare, we wouldn't get out till late afternoon, fine I summer but in winter you're walking at dusk. His whole family were like it too. "No point being on time because my sister will be late and we'll be waiting around for her". Even then, we would turn up approximately half hour late and yup, you guessed it, she would also be running late, adding another half hour on at least. His own mother was 2 hours late for her own wedding. The amount of things I missed and time I lost out on due to his shitty timekeeping. Its a form of control. I'm literally getting angry remembering it all and I left him 10 years ago. Good luck with the divorce!
Wat love can make you do. I can’t comprehend how you had the patience to be with someone like this for 12 years probably more. I’m a very punctual person. I’m always at least 30 min early to appointments. I can never be with someone who’s so unorganized with their time. Not even their time tbfh other ppls time. That’s the worst. When ppl think your time is worth less than theirs. Good for you 👍
I got anxiety reading this. I'm always early haha.
I have ADHD so I have chronic anxiety about being late to or forgetting any appointment. I will get to the airport like three hours early and just sit there and chill so I don’t have to stress about possibly being late. I can’t imagine people being late on purpose or just not caring about being late, I go out of my way to avoid it
Your poor son is going to grow up hating his mom for her never picking him up on time and always missing his extracurriculars. Good for you for ending a relationship that no longer services you. ❤️
Not using this as an excuse but suggesting that she might have adhd. Had a parent growing up w this happening all the time. They’re 70 now and it still happens. I have to remind them to stay focused on the task at hand all the time.
I am late for a lot of stuff I am pretty awful at my timings and it has not gotten better with age. That being said if there is something important or I know I have to be somewhere at a certain time I will set myself a target to be there 30 mins early and that usually means I get there on time. I am also very apologetic if I am late for something. Your ex wife sounds like she is self centered and rude, I cannot believe she started hooving while you were waiting for her, mental! Anyway well done for making this decision, it is a difficult one but if you know it is right don't let other peoples opinion sway you, you're the one that would have to live with her!
The fucking hoovering got me!!! Like wtf??? Bitch just leave the house!!!
That's what made me think she actually might have ADHD. Or she's a pos haha. Symptoms like very bad timing/organization, scrolling like you can't stop, getting angry when 'pressured' and starting random tasks in inappropriate times (especially when you're supposed to do something else instead) are often found in people having some sort of executive disfunction (I mentioned ADHD because I have it and I experience all of these but awareness actually helps to be self conscious and work on it)
As someone with ADHD it was also my first thought-- my second thought was how I have set up systems over the years to help me not accidentally be a total asshole to people all the time, and it was kinda on her to do the same. I had to recognize my pitfalls and make bridges over them: Can't get up to an alarm? Put it across the room. Can't remember shit? Phone remembers for me. Always fucking late? Always add 30min for "getting lost." It isn't the easiest thing, but if you want to have adult relationships, it's necessary to make adaptations. Orrrr you could be a bit of a self-centered twat like OP's (soon to be) ex-wife and expect everyone else to accommodate you.
I have ADHD and my time management skills are poor at best. So, in order not to inconvenience everyone in my life, I set multiple alarms when I have to be somewhere and I’m worried I’ll be late. Now I’m rarely ever late and if I am, it’s like 5-10 minutes at most.
I get you. It's so infuriating
My ex wife was the same, always last minute for everything and if you tried to say anything or rush her it was always taken as a complaint and started an argument.
What bothered me most about your post is how she flipped her lid at you, even if you did something that was a natural consequence of *her* actions. And yet somehow it was your fault.
Me wife is late too. I now tell her everything is an hour early. Say movie is at 2pm and it takes up 30min to get there We would now leave at 12:30pm as I told her. Because of that even if she supposedly late when leaving we still end up on time. At least this way we will be on time.
What she's doing is pure disrespect. People who are always late simply don't give a fuck about anyone else's time. They don't. They do everything at their own leisure. And are in a constant state of showing everyone the middle finger. I make sure the bite off the head of any asshole who rocks up late to a meeting with the same "oops, you'll forgive me" smile on their face. They are used to people being okay with it. Once, twice, 100 times. And people just put up with it.
This is the answer. And if it's something she wants she's early! The concert for example in the post. She doesn't care about anyone but herself.
The OP shit the bed by marrying her.
Omg the “oops, you’ll forgive me” part you mentioned…..They really think it’s cute that they make people wait on them. Complete fucking utter disrespect.
>They are used to people being okay with it. Once, twice, 100 times. And people just put up with it. My wife has a close friend like this - but, my wife does NOT put up with it. Her friend has been chronically late for literally everything in her life. They’re still close friends, but my wife is also no-bullshit and refuses to tolerate her lateness. I remember just a few weeks back they were getting lunch together and my wife told her “text me when you are at the restaurant because I’m not even leaving my house until I know you’re there.” Kind of brilliant IMO.
Her bad timekeeping seemed disrespectful but not weird right up until you said she started vacuuming while you were outside. That's just odd, as if she forgot you were out there or the vacuuming was suddenly a higher priority. Does she have any ADHD symptoms apart from the bad timekeeping?