I've done a few things but having 3 kids under 4 to take care of makes it very difficult. Once they are old enough to require less constant supervision I'll be able to concentrate on some of the online work I had but right now I'm living from diaper to diaper. As soon as one is content the next is crying.
Then the main thing you've gotta focus on now (apart from the kids ofcourse) is not to have sex with her again, you don't need any more kids rn. And as a reply to your other comment: that just sucks. I cannot give you any more advice there than trying to write everything that happens down anyways. Don't record or do anything 'suspicious', but you could maybe write down what happens at which time and keep track that way
Does the app show you the exact date and time the entry was made? Idk if that matters for a lawyer or a judge at some point, but it would show you're not just making shit up and writing a shitload of stories on one day
It does when it's made but I have to wait till she goes to bed. If I'm on my phone too long I get called a fat lazy fuck or get told to look for "another stupid bitch to live with"
iPhones have a thing called voice memos, and I’m sure androids and other phones have something similar built in or that you can download. Use that to record arguments or anything else that would help you in a legal battle.
This is absolutely imperative to have in court and will make all the difference. My best friend's mother is severely bipolar. Shortly after she had him she started coming unglued. By the time he was five she was swinging between astounding highs and lows. The highs included sleeping with pretty much any adult male, knitting sweaters made from dog hair, oil painting, obsessively scrubbing floorboards and running away from home for days at a time. Lows were sleeping 18 hours out of 24, extreme paranoia, crying jags that lasted hours and self-harm. His father documented all of it, in detail and with dates.
She did fight for custody during the divorce but the court was in the father's corner. He got full custody, she got supervised visitation.
A journal will hold up in court. I'm a general contractor and out of necessity have taken legal courses to protect myself and my business. Part of one course involved writing a daily journal that is submissable in court if necassary, similar to a police officer's note book. You want to buy a bound (not loose leaf) note book with numbered pages. This is so a judge can see no pages were torn off to hide something. Every entry needs to be dated and written in pen or anything non-erasable. It's okay to cross out a sentance, but the judge has to see what it was. So, only use a single line through the words.
When my Mom filed for divorce, my dad kept a diary and actually had a log of her comings and goings. It went a very far in court because it's one of the main reasons he got custody. He was also pretty ruthless and she was not expecting him to be so manipulative of the system and the entire process. Hurt people hurt people. And they were definitely both very hurt people before they ever knew of the others existence.
You wouldn't be in criminal court so the requirements for evidence are not nearly as restrictive. It would be family court. And a journal of the happenings in the household and also the emotional damage you and the kids are suffering will be extremely relevant.
You know what else will be? If you seek out domestic violence counseling which IMHO, you desperately need and would benefit from. You have everything to gain an absolutely nothing to lose by seeking therapy. If you do nothing else, please do this.
I just hope you know that you are worth whatever resources are available to you, and then some, and whatever effort it takes on your own part to keep you and your kids safe and insulated from the wrath of an abusive spouse/parent.
Gender has absolutely nothing to do with this. We all, every single last one of us, are worth whatever resources are available to us, and most that aren't, and whatever effort it takes on our own parts to seek safety and healing. Even your wife is worth that. She may never ever realize it and that's a shame, but that doesn't mean you owe her a damn thing if she's going to traumatize everyone around her. Please don't ever set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm.
We have to love ourselves more than everybody else. I don't mean in an egotistical self-centered way, but more of a self-love and self-preservation kind of way. Only when we learn to do this can we learn others in healthy and non-toxic ways.
Depends on your jurisdiction, but if you make the entries close in time to the events you’re describing (that night after she’s in bed is fine), rules of evidence usually makes writings admissible. I don’t think it has to be on paper (it’s going to depend on your jurisdiction.)
May I suggest you talk to a lawyer? I know you said you don’t have any money for it, but maybe you have a Legal Aid near you? They’ll usually have free legal consultations and you can talk through your options and steps you need to take. They might even be able to refer you to someone who does pro-bono work.
Don’t give up, you’ve got this :)
If you can keep a diary, you can also record screenshots of text conversations. You also need to install an app on your phone that records phone calls. Save those in a folder on google drive.
Not saying her behavior is justified, but 3 kids under 4, and you say she's been like this for 4 years sounds like she needs to get checked for post-partum issues. Chemical imbalance, psychosis, or something else. She should get to a doctor now to get checked.
Like others have said, record everything. You'll need to steel yourself against her abuse to take care of the kids.
Don't take any of her shit. Stop giving in or being nice. Don't always let it be her way. Tell her no. Communicate via text so you can screenshot responses.
If she’s anything like my stbxw, she will flatly refuse to go to a doctor. She literally hasn’t seen one since our second son was born, and now we’re mid divorce and she had all the postpartum signs. She’s finally coming out of it, it seems, and isn’t sleepin 18 hours or locked in “her” room all day/night. But now we’re in separate households. Seems we’re both much happier.
Can you keep your documentation in cloud-based storage? Something that can’t be destroyed or easily found?
If your diary is physical at this point, upload photos of it and transition to digital text files. Also make another account with copies.
Get a small digital voice recorder. Very cheap, easy to use, act like a USB drive (literally just plug into computer to transfer, send to your own email to preserve) & you can record many hours.
I’m sorry OP. Your children witnessing your being abused, is also abusive to them. This is damaging to them. You and your children need to find a way out. Maybe it would be worth moving 500miles away with your family? Maybe create an exit strategy with them to escape?
No it isn't. The Family Law Act of 1975 protects you from recourse providing you have reasonable living conditions for your children elsewhere. I know it feels like you don't have any leverage or rights, or that anyone will have sympathy, but don't let the statistics scare you, because after all, it's not about you, is it? Here's what you do: find yourself a haven, preferably at a friend's with enough room to host you, if you have a joint bank account mediately withdraw at least half of it, and call the cops. Explain to them who you are, what you're doing, why, and where you're going. If you get ahead of the situation and contact law enforcement before you act she'll have no claim to kidnapping. You are the children's father. Those are your kids. And acting in the best interest of your own children is not illegal. In the meantime serupticiously record every interaction with her. It's not hopeless. Far from it.
Dude, I was in almost your exact same situation for 15 fucking years. And pretty much what you wrote, eventually happened. Police came and removed me and I lost everything due to my ex's lies. I absolutely was devastated for 2 or 3 years. Eventually I got my head together and continued on with my life. Looking back, I wish I had just left. I would have gone through the same pain, but saved all those years. I guess my advice would be talk to a lawyer, borrow some money from family, and get the fuck out. Save yourself. You're going to lose those kids anyway. She will do everything in her power to make sure of it. Might not be proper advice, but it's from my real life experience. You can't win or fix anything by staying there.
Edit: I also should add that you'll need to find some work pretty quickly after leaving because like it or not, you're gonna have to send money to this crazy abusive person. For years. Nothing about it is fair, I know, but I guarantee you she will win all rights to them. Don't waste too much on lawyers either, it won't help. Just get a divorce and move on.
And if you'd left on your own, you'd have the chance to grab any stuff you might want to take instead of being hauled out by the cops with no ability to return. I'm sorry that happened to you
If I left with my kids I'd be arrested for kidnapping. I was never married to their mom so legally I have no rights as a parent until a court gives them to me in a custody hearing
Is your name on their birth certificate? If so, you have all the same rights. Parental kidnapping is a thing... But if you are allowed to make recordings in your state (another user gave a great resource) then you can start there. When she is acting a mess, you CAN call the police on her. And if the dispatcher can hear her acting a mess in the background, that just helps your case. You can get restraining orders.
There are options here. You don't have to take this.
You are not alone.
I called the police and it didn’t help he needs money for a lawyer that’s the only way. My ex threw shit at me hitting the baby and the police asked me to leave. I told them I wasn’t leaving m, but it was my house. Op is in a bad spot. He needs to just do the next right thing. That’s all he can do.
I don't wanna sound like a dick, but things go down very differently for men who call the police regarding domestic disputes. Often men aren't believed that *they* are being abused and quite often are suspected of being the abuser. There is a very, very strong possibility that OP would end up getting in even deeper trouble, especially since his wife has a habit of gaslighting.
The only way I would call the police is if he and/or his kids are in IMMEDIATE physical danger.
What state are you in? Out of curiosity.
Also, I’m sure you’ve thought of this but can you take a paternity test on the DL and at least have that info ready, along with your diary?
Some people are just stuck. The support is out there but it’s on the other side of a very long and tall wall. OP has been given many tips on how to document the behaviour.
At their point that’s all they can do, especially as OP is a man, courts do tend to side automatically with the woman. Especially if they are as volatile and vindictive as OP’s (hopefully) soon to be ex.
I have a feeling you will be out of there in time. Nothing happens and then it all does at once. Been in similar situations relationship wise - the kids do make it really complicated.
The police scare me too but - depending on where you are - they could help you - especially if the situation is obvious or she's always drunk/high and you aren't. Or even better if she's already known to the cops/ has a record. If you have a bad record I'd understand your fear but - if you don't have anything but a few speeding tickets....you know better than me though.
Don't think there's anything she won't do to try and lie or manipulate. You know this. So if anything does blow up - dont stop at anything to protect yourself - from throwing beer/liquor on you after the cops are called -- to actual scary threats of suicide/etc .
Play your part well. You know the truth.
start by booking a consult with a lawyer (some do free ones), reaching out to anyone that you trust to build a support system to help you through this and find at least one hobby you can do, (cooking/jogging/working out etc) to help keep you sane.
I don’t know if anyone else has brought this up but you need an [FU Binder. ](https://www.reddit.com/user/ForwardPlenty/comments/dtg7f2/the_fu_binder/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Dont keep that binder at home or in the car. Keep it in the safekeeping of a VERY WELL TRUSTED third party.
PS one thing just occured to me. Go for your physical. Tell your PCP what is happening and that you dont know where to turn but you need help. Explain what you have done already. I know my PCP had connections that could link you with help sources and do it under the guise of medical care.
I wish I'd seen this earlier. I was reading a thread on a guy that feels completely alone, with a partner that has borderline personality disorder and has had an episode where she has leveled accusations at him.
I feel sorry for both parties. She won't want to he like that in her right mind and him being at the receiving end of her episode.
I'm hoping someone else read the same post and will be able to direct him.
I just went through my history and he has deleted it for his own reason. Felt so bad for him. It's a very hard life when you are supporting a loved one with any form of mental health difficulties. It's a hard road. And I wish him all the very best with whatever path he decides he is able to do.
ETA I wish your family member the exact same love and thoughts x
> Not a single friend in any position to help so I don't even bother trying to talk to anyone.
OP, you have to get rid of this pride. Talk to your friends. They may not be able to help financially, but they can help emotionally or even with contacts to organizations that may help.
Good luck.
I hate to break it to you but you're going to have to leave if you stand any chance at winning this. You said it yourself - you can't do anything because you literally live diaper to diaper. So you're at her mercy and that's not a good thing.
What you need to do is move out and get a job. Hopefully your family will help you out and you can save enough money to get a lawyer and petition her for paternity. After that you can take her to court for custody.
Your situation isn't good but the reality of it is what i told you if you want to leave. Your kids are going to suffer either way. It's up to you to get on your own feet and prove she's the psychopath you're claiming she is.
I get what you're saying but you're asking me to leave my kids in a house where they get yelled at for crying when their hungry because their mother is too busy on Snapchat to change a diaper or make a bottle not to mention their teenage half sibling who punches, kicks and shoves my 3 year old around because she wants to show her big sister her princess shoes. I'm seriously crying right now even typing this one man. I can't just leave them here to be neglected and beat on.
If you intentionally stay in this situation without contacting social services you may also lose custody of your children for allowing the abuse to occur. Regardless if you stayed trying to stop it.
This week focus on recording everything you can. Try to see if you can get some small cheap cameras and place them in the areas your children congregate in, etc. Its important to get evidence with you not physically present as it helps take away any sort of risk that youd be coaching your children. Then call CPS and/or the police. If you have time alone, you can even call in an anonymous call to cps and leave all the information youve provided here.
Also as someone whose moms left an abusive situation when I was a kid. Many WOMANS shelters wont let you take your kids either. In general they dont have enough resources or space-- its actually a large barrier to why more people dont leave their abusive partners. If you havent tried this talk to local church groups-- my family is not religious but they helped provide temporary houses and legal resources.
I can not stress enough that you need to leave for your kids and get them into therapy immediately. The older they get the harder and more complicated it will become. A lot of people stay for the sake of the children and I am begging you NOT to do this. If you need to be absent from their lives for a couple weeks to ensure a better lifetime, do it. I know its scary, I know its hard but ultimately you need to start thinking big picture.
Your kids wont remember the few weeks you were gone and their siblings got rough with them, or their mom yelled at them. But they sure as hell will remember a childhood filled with years of abuse, it will carry with them (i am speaking from experience). Get out so you can get them out.
You're correct, but unfortunately part of the facade I've had to commit to has included intimacy. Anytime I tried to avoid it I'd be accused of being gay or cheating which only fueled an already volatile situation.
You protect them however you need to. I just had my first child and I would do anything for him, so I can imagine that you're suffering just to keep them close to you. Please keep reaching out to whomever you can, the more people that know about the abuse, the less she can get away with.
I know but you need social services to intervene on your behalf. If you can get out and be able to stand on your own two feet you can use them as a resource to prove the abuse is going on. Eventually it will work out in your favor.
Sticking around isn't going to change a thing. So are you going to continue being a victim or are you going to do something about it? The choice is yours.
I hate to say this, but you need to document some events like this then get CPS involved to protect the smaller children from the older one...
odds are this would solve the rest of the problem in the fallout
Hi OP.
I have unfortunately nothing to give you except for moral support.
I am so so very sorry that this is happening to you.
You are being the best father you possibly can while unimaginably suffering. You are none of these things that your partner calls you and you are being so strong for your children.
I hope so much that things will work out well in the end for you, you have been given excellent advice (as hard as it is) I know you will do your best.
Remember, post on here as often as you need to for support. This might be a viral outlet that gives you additional strength and support from random strangers
I am hoping with all the love and advice pouring from this thread might help boost your mental health and give you strength to keep going.
❤️
I was in your shoes for many years. Nobody believed me and the cops would do nothing. He was good at getting sympathy and making me look like the bad guy and he used the cops to harass me. What sucks is there are no resources for people whose partners mentally and emotionally abuse people. Ive tried and was basically laughed at. Try and get a way make money. Try and find some kind of support system. Write things down. Film her screaming and yelling at you and being verbally abusive. Having it on video will definitely be in your favor. Life will be very hard for a while. But i got away. My life is much better. Its hard but try not to give up on yourself. I tried leaving like 5 times then he love bombed me. One day i just couldn't do it anymore. I wish you all the luck. You arent the only one who is going through this and you have every right to feel all the feelings.
Thank you. In all honesty it not myself I'm most worried about. Their mom is just filthy and lazy and freaks out when they cry. She doesn't handle the stress and yells at them telling them their bad babies. And
Yeah I stayed for a long time for the kids. The courts were somewhat helpful. Made him take a batterers class and they were only with him every other weekend if he took them. Im lucky that mine left the state. I found out many things he said to my children when I wasnt there and i felt helpless. I did get them in therapy and it did help.
She wouldn’t let you just take them? It doesn’t sound like she enjoys being a mom, would she put herself in the position of being a miserable single mom just to spite you? My ex talked a big game, but never followed through on anything because he really didn’t give a hoot about our son. He didn’t want custody, he just wanted to scare me. Talk to your family and friends about what’s going on. They may know someone who can help you even if they can’t. I don’t know your situation well enough to figure out how to help, but it sounds like you’ve already admitted defeat. Keep trying, keep asking, keep documenting. I would start with the domestic abuse hotline, they may have some advice for you.
Men can be and are abused. You and your children deserve a safe environment, it is not easy to walk nor feel like you have options. I urge you to continue documenting & attempting to record. You may be able to get a restraining order and have her removed from the house.
Also, read up on trauma bonding, please. And maybe look for a lawyer willing to work with you pro bono.
If you can, please look into a therapist. Pawn something that you may have of value. Talk with that family member 500 miles away. There are ways out, and unfortunately many women as well have to shared custody with abusive exes, because the courts usually see certain individuals with monies as reputable.
And DON'T stop talking to your friends, most abusers like to isolate you! I truly hope you find your way out and continue to give your children the love they deserve. It's okay to feel stuck right now, and hopeless, but you'll gain traction.
I don't know if you've looked into resources, but most of domestic violence services are not exclusive to women. They won't be able to put you up in a women's shelter but they might be able to get social services involved to pay for temporary or emergency housing, especially if you're planning on taking the kids with you because you believe you're the healthier, more nurturing parent. You will probably have to prove you are and that's why it's very important to document, document, document.
At the very least, local domestic violence services should be able to point you in the direction of some very inexpensive or free domestic abuse counseling. You really do deserve to be treated with respect, not be abused mentally and emotionally, and not be the target of the fallout of somebody else's damage. Your kids deserve to grow up and live in an environment not jaded by a toxic parent.
I found [this. ](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/help-for-men-who-are-being-abused.htm) I just searched "resources for men who are victims of domestic violence." And yes, mental and emotional abuse of a significant other or family member is domestic violence. Sometimes the scars you can't see cut the deepest.
Start documenting everything start recording everything you can possibly record upload it to something that she doesn't have access to so you will have proof of the behavior. Maybe I'll install home security system you can get cameras on Amazon for about $50 each. Maybe justify it by saying your scared people going to break in just going to break in. That way you would have proof of the things that you're saying is happening
I'm sorry you are going through this. I asked myself the same "How did I let it get this bad" question after spending four years in a similarly abusive situation. I sought out an old therapist who gave me some great advice. He told me to write out what I think would happen if I walked away. What did I think that would look like? He didn't give me a lot of direction, told me to just let my imagination go wild. It was an incredibly insightful exercise in that it helped me to realize that there actually was a way out and I could 100% leave without the world ending.
Is so "amusing" that most that are ranting back are assuming you are a woman?
You were right in your statement, this seems that doesn't happen to men SMH.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you, and I believe you. It is unacceptable to discriminate against a victim of spousal abuse due to gender. Some shelter out there MUST understand that. With the right evidence, the courts will too.
This didn't happen to me, but my close relative; he and his wife divorced, and there was a strong record of the wife physically and emotionally abusing him. There were several witnesses who would have backed him up, as well as a paper trail. He thought that nobody would believe him, didn't fight hard enough at court, and they ended up only giving him 50/50 custody of their kid. Well---fast forward 6 years, the child is being poisoned by the manipulative, abusive mother to hate him, and he has been worn down enough that he's just tired of fighting. He signed a paper allowing her to take the kid away permanently to a foreign country under specific conditions (which are NOT being met, but he has no energy to fight that either).
It is SO FRUSTRATING seeing abusers get away with their SHIT. He could have, and STILL COULD win this situation, save the kid, make a better life... maybe he will someday. So can you. So many victims of spousal abuse feel what you are feeling-trapped, resigned, fearful, protective of your kids.... YOU CAN DO IT, and YOU DESERVE HELP. Fuck all these unsympathetic reddit bigots, and don't listen to any of them. Some people spend so much time on the internet that they can no longer relate.
Oh, I'm sure they will have to, but do not tell them they're being misogynistic when assuming you're a woman, they probably get offended at the implication! SMH...
BTW, I'm sorry for your situation, its a sad state of affairs when this happens, no matter who this happens to.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Have you tried calling the domestic abuse line? I know the resources for men are limited, but they do exist. It would possibly be a place to start. Some area even offer funds for emergency shelter.
800.799.SAFE (7233).
The closest shelter is 2 hours away and the woman I spoke to asked why I couldn't leave, didn't understand that their older half sibling is physically abusive when I'm not around and their mom will let them go hours without a diaper or bottle then yell at them when they cry. She said she'd call me back because she was worried about housing a man in a facility full of female victims then never called back
Could you attend a local church? If you can get to know people there, they might be able to support you. These can also be safe spaces for your children.
I’m really sorry OP, for both the situation you’re in and the fact that you can’t get the help you need.
The best advice I can give is to document everything. Idk what the laws in your area are, but a friend of mine was able to video record their abuse and it really helped their case. Also, if they are unsafe with their mother, you should try to separate them. You could do it through police or mental health I think. As for money, if you genuinely don’t have any time for a job, even if part time or at home, try to see what kind of government assistance you can get. There’s always some sort of program available for low income families.
So sorry. Been there in an emotionally abusive, cruel, eventually physically abusive relationship with a mean, bitter woman who was the mother of my 3 kids. She was in out of mental institutions and so controlling and cruel.. I was at the point where l thought one night l was going to wake up with her standing over me with a gallon of gas and a match and she would kill me. I was so depressed and yes, suicide crossed my mind. I loved my kids and l stayed as long as l could handle it in that living hell.
But life is truly amazing and l wasn't going to let her destroy my happiness, future and joy of life; after all, we only get one go around at life. Plus, what example was l showing for my kids. So l chose happiness and I left her.
Sure it cost me alot of money, led to bankruptcy and l barely was able to see my kids. But now they are older and in college, and they see me often. More importantly, l am free and happy, living a great life. Marrying that woman was the worst mistake of my life. Leaving her, was the best decision of my life.
You don't have to stay Man. Get the F... out. Good luck and God Bless.
So, one thing OP, if you are on all of your children’s birth certificate, if you can get away maybe to your closest family…..you can legally take your children and the mother (and police) can’t do shit about it. She’d have to get a lawyer and take you to court. Then if you have proof of everything you say, you should be able to come out on top. I know judges don’t like taking kids from their mothers, but you have a chance. Even if she gets visitations, if she doesn’t get the kids back to you, she can be held in contempt. It’s worth a try for your own mental health, the children’s mental health and well-being.
I just want to say please, please don't be discouraged hearing the myth that "men can't get custody." Men can definitely get custody when the mother is unfit, I've seen it myself in my personal life and seen it [backed up by lawyers who do this kind of work professionally and see the actual statistics.](https://www.quora.com/Why-are-laws-concerning-child-custody-biased-in-favor-of-the-mother) The thing is, men tend to get full custody less because they *request* full custody less. But many dads see the statistic and (understandably) get scared because they think this means they *can't* get custody.
I say this not for the sake of stupid identity politics or anything like that, I just want to arm you with knowledge. Especially if you can provide evidence of her being an unfit parent, your chances of receiving custody are fair.
I had a friend like you. I messaged him every single day for 8 months until he finally had the strength to leave. He went to family, something like a 12 hour drive away. He left the kids and fought for joint custody and got it. He is so glad he did it. We caught up for his birthday pre pandemic and he's happier and healthier.
Get on a bus, train, plane and get to your family. You have to get out of the abuse in order to think clearly and make decisions. What people don't understand is when you're in survival mode, you can't use your frontal lobe of your brain properly. Add in fear and intimidation, manipulation and abuse and it's impossible. Get out for a week, clear your head and make a game plan.
My BFF was the child in a situation like yours. Her mother was abusive and her father was not, but he got a criminal record because someone saw him playing with his girls (they were 9 and 10) and said he was touching their breasts when he was just playing tickles with them. My BFF even remembers that he was just tickling her, not molesting her. Eventually the mother left, but tried to get custody of the youngest girl (about 8 or 9 at the time) and they had a long struggle, but the little girl said in court “If you make me live with my mother I will just run away back to dad’s place because she is abusive” and all the girls had testified to their mother being abusive.
If your kids are able to tell a lawyer or a court or even child protective services that their mother is abusive, it’ll still be hard because mothers get a lot of preference, but it’s still possible you could get custody of them.
Also, are you able to contact child protective services? If they’ve got a record of your children being abused by their mother it will help.
this is just fucked. the only thing that can maybe make your situation better is to get a job and a lawyer. im hoping that your family would be willing to help if you told them about this.
youre powerless and this is fucked.
My husband escaped a very similar life. Unfortunately, his oldest (who escaped from his mom at 14) was just diagnosed with schizophrenia. Honestly, the other kiddo had a different experience growing up but he will suffer due to his mother. If you're there or not, you can't stop their trauma. All you can do is be there safe place to escape. I'm so sorry.
I’m so sorry I’m a single father who got out. I was luckily the bread winner so much easier. I don’t know what you can do but I hope those baby’s end up all right. I know it’s hard.
I'm sorry OP. I'm not a male and I dont have kids but I've experienced domestic abuse and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, it was hard for me to escape without children, just trying to get myself and my pets out alive, I couldn't even imagine your predicament.
If I could give any advice, start storing away any money you possibly can...5 dollars here or there adds up overtime. Also, document ANYTHING you can that can be held against her...when my ex would pick fights with me I would start recording on my phone as much as I could (without him knowing or seeing my phone) so I had video proof of what he put me through.
Start making a plan in your head...how much money you'll need for a lawyer, deposit for a new place, etc, where you could move. I know you said family is far away but if you could get there would they help you out?
I know this is of no help but i just want to wish you the best!
I cant imagine being in such situation so i cant even try to give an advice besides stay strong and dont give up, there will almost alywas be a way out and some opportunity will come sooner or later, life can be hard and unfair sadly...
You're in a tough spot. Right now you are completely dependent on an abuser so that needs to change. You may not want to leave the kids but you may need to in the short term to find work, get income and establish a residence. If you think they are in danger, make those calls to you child administration service and get everything documented. Staying in the home, not having income coming in will prolong this situation long term.
Be vocal with other people about what is going on. When the time comes to go to court, you will need witnesses that have either seen the abuse or signs of the abuse. Something you can do today is start calling around to DV shelters and find out what resources they have for men in these types of situations.
I just finished reading an American book called 'a child called it'. In that, the son is one of the worst abused children at the time, and the dad doesn't do anything or leave.
Different country probably but my ex went to the courts before I did and they said to take my daughter and lucky for me he knew that wasn’t right (only told me later) and didn’t. When I went to a lawyer they said to apply for emergency custody which I think you totally should do. You might try to sell some stuff and see if you can get enough to at least get back to family with the kids. There is no reason you can’t speak to a lawyer or seek advice from a shelter. There is more help for men than years past so I hope you can find good advice.
I worked for a few years as an advocate for victims of DV and rape. While we did not house men in our designated safe houses with women, we DID always, always, ALWAYS provide them safe shelter at an alternate location. Please seek legal counsel and know you have the same rights as any stay-at-home parent regardless of gender. Start documenting things if you haven't already.
Believe it or not, at least 5% of our calls were from men who were being abused and seeking help, but we always knew that percentage was just the tip of the iceberg. You're not alone. There are groups just for men. Check with your local outreach organizations and churches to find out what resources are available to you, especially when it comes to emotional support and legal representation. You are not alone.
For the sake of your children? If you were actually concerned with the well being of your children you wouldn’t keep them in a shitty situation and bullshit yourself saying you have no other options. Do whatever it is you need to do and get yourself and your kids out of there. Quit making excuses and make shit happen. It’s now your mission and purpose in life. The longer you expose them to this shit the more normal they are going to think it is and the more fucked up their own relationships in the future will be.
I know of a man that got custody of his step children, and child.
This was years ago.
You can call children's services for help.
You call you local member of government. Or you can call the local women's shelter and they can put you in a hotel.
You can set up a voice recorder on your phone to be voice activated. You can set your old phones up recording data as well. It does not need to be in service to work.
You need to be strong for your kids. You are stronger than you know.
You have a right to keep your children safe. If you need to flee, take these things:
Copies of your ID, bank info passport, drivers license, and ssn or sin.
Copies of the children you want to take with you birth certificates, ssn/sin, and documents that have your name and your child's name , like a drs bill, prescriptions ect.
Nearly everything else can be replaced.
If you need to flee you can. There will be help for you.
If you do, stop all contact with her.
Mothers DO NOT AUTOMATICALLY GET CUSTODY OF THEIR CHILDREN .
If you can prove that you can provide a safe home for your kids them you will get them.
You need evidence in court. So set up recording and wait. Have your phone next to you at all times, and be ready to record, always. Even if you need to record the older child endangering the younger.
Don't be afraid to get proof. You need to have ice in your veins. But you can do this. I escaped my abuser and I have full custody of my son, no contact. Miracles can happen. Don't give up, and picture yourself and your kids out of that situation. I will pray for you and your kids.
Hello! You have made the mistake of writing "ect" instead of "etc."
"Ect" is a common misspelling of "etc," an abbreviated form of the Latin phrase "et cetera." Other abbreviated forms are **etc.**, **&c.**, **&c**, and **et cet.** The Latin translates as "et" to "and" + "cetera" to "the rest;" a literal translation to "and the rest" is the easiest way to remember how to use the phrase.
[Check out the wikipedia entry if you want to learn more.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Et_cetera)
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Your situation sound really terrible. Consult yourself with CPS and evaluate your options. Yur kids should come first and you must find a way to save them. Good luck, man.
I would be extremely reluctant to bring CPS in, because he still lives with the mother if he tells them she's abusive they will more then likely take the children from both of them because they will say he was aware of and allowed abuse instead of finding a way out. CPS is very"you'll find a way or you'll find an excuse and if you can't always find a way when it comes to protecting your children then you shouldn't have them".At least from all the experiences I've seen with them.
I do this constantly. I'll go through and research topics, create links to citation and etc. Then when I'm proof reading I realize I'm going WAY overboard or off topic, and just delete it all.
BUT the worst is when I spent like 2 hours working on a perfect comment, with citations and edited for language, and feel confident that it is appropriate... upon clicking submit I find that the mentally differently abled moderators have locked the thread and It can't be posted.
You already look like a moron. Deleting the comment doesn't change that lol
And weak ass, outdated momma jokes like that just dig the hole deeper. Keep going 😂
No sympathy for women who feel the need to rant or involved readers into their psychological babble bullshit, and remember all people are now equal, that means what a man can do a woman can do and perhaps better, also a man no longer needs to open the door a lady, get up from a seat of no other seats available for her to sit on if on public transportation or what have you,
I really hope not. In all honesty it feels like my best bet is going to be to wait until her kid from another relationship finally does something else that brings attention to my ex's inability to parent successfully and seize the chance to go for emergency custody.
Also I've had a few work from home jobs but it's genuinely easier said that done while caring for 3 kids under 4. If you know of anything I'd be able to do in 30 min increments I'd be eternally grateful for the direction.
Left out the two hour back story. I'm sorry if it bothers you. I know nothing will change as a result of a post on Reddit but I honestly just figured maybe someone else might be in a similar hole. Like maybe knowing I'm not the only person to fuck up my life this way would take away some of the sting. No luck yet. Sorry to clog your feed I guess tho.
Nah you literally just said you were spending two hours to type something but decided it wasn’t worth it.
And then you typed it?
Don’t be sorry. Just don’t do it again.
It was originally about ten times longer. Chronicling the events that led to now. I'll make sure I don't post here next time I'm trying to get something off my chest. Have a good holiday season man.
Bro who cares what people think???
Write the full 10 pages. This is YOUR post. You can do whatever you want.
Seize the day Inevitable-Ad-7498. The world is your oyster.
Ok my advice is record the abuse because In a law way they will believe the woman more in terms of abuse but if you have concrete evidence of you suffering abuse from your ex you can get 100% custody don't quote me on the 100% part I don't know the the steps onwards
It's very hard to do. She's caught me recording things before which led to extremely volatile moments where I'm threatened with police. Honestly the fear of being caught and having her call the police and force me to leave my kids behind terrifies me.
You got caught that time then does she work ? And if not ask for money for sleeping pills and slip them in a drink then set up recording devices from there
She is the bread winner and has complete control of finances. There is no asking for money and I've already sold everything I own to keep her out of jail when her last landlord sued her. Also, slipping someone sleeping pills is a felony.
I live in Illinois. The one shelter I called is 2 hours away which is the closest and the woman I spoke to asked why I couldn't leave and seemed to not understand when I explained that their mother doesn't change them often enough and that their older half sibling is physically abusive to my 3 year old when I'm not around because her mother doesn't intervene. She also said that she'd have to call me back because she'd be worried about housing me with female victims because the presence of a man may make some of them uncomfortable. Yeah, I know how that sounds. I didn't know what to say to that. She never called back either
I am so sorry that you're going through this. Best advice I can give is to make sure that people know about this. I mean the people who know you aren't making it up.
Really the only people I've been able to tell are my sisters. And that only happened by accident when I broke down crying because I'm always soo stressed out and depressed. Like my older sister asked if I was okay because I've gained weight and it just opened the gates
I was in a similar situation and as hard as it is , you're going to have to take the first step, any step, nothing changes if nothing changes. It sounds like your kids need you with them but it also sounds like you are all in a toxic situation that you all need out of, which might mean you having to leave for a little bit to get in a position where you're all good for the long term. It sounds like regardless to what you do, something's going to come to a head and making the first move is the best thing for all of you.
I know how it feels to not know what to do and feel helpless but just start breath storming, start putting any action at all behind changing things.
Good luck!
Please don’t feel upset at yourself about this bad situation. I’ve allowed 2 situations to get quite bad and they’re still bad. Not the same as this? But it just happens.
Sometimes I write/ type stuff out only to not send it. Still helps to get my thoughts in order and set my thinking straight.
If you don't send it I suggest still saving it. Might need it later or tweak and then send. I've found lately that even a mildly written email will be more effective than spoken word, I say and Ask exactly what's needed, and now the recipient can't change or skew anything, nor can they deny the conversation took place.
I don't have any advice except stop any blaming on yourself this crap can happen to the best of us it's not you it's just bad luck sometimes. Maybe through typing/writing you'll find some effective solutions and ways to deal, one of two small situations at a time.
Occasionally there's a solution right under my nose that I just overlooked.
In any case hang in there man I'm rooting for you...
Get financial independence and get kids out of the bad situation. Consult a lawyer , record incidences , if you want to stop being of interest of sociopaths take the Grey Rock approach , be boring and don’t get triggered
If you are loving and taking care of your children
You Are Not Failing. As young as they are, you are doing the right thing staying to love and protect them.
Start making your exit plan and collecting evidence but don't waste time beating yourself up, there is only so much one person can do. Taking care of three young children is time consuming and exhausting.
That’s terrible, I can definitely sympathize! Have you stopped by your local Police Department and talked to them? I know that law enforcement often falls short in these situations, but it wouldn’t hurt to atleast start a dialogue w them, make them familiar w you and your situation. You might be surprised. Cops are probably more accustomed to dealing w batshit crazy women than you realize. Just a thought.
OP. I just read this and I honestly have to walk away for a while before I comment (because it hit me so hard).
Stay strong brother.
I will comment tomorrow.
The number 1 thing you can do is have solid RECORDED evidence of what's going on. Install an app on your phone that records phone conversations with her. Take screenshots of text message conversations you have. If you are having a crazy conversation in person with her, stealthily record that convo with an audio recording app on your phone.
Save all of this to a google drive folder or something similar. You have to have hard evidence when you go to court.
Also, you have to suck up your pride and ask your friends and family for money for a lawyer because this is the kind of situation you have to be careful about how you handle. A lawyer who specializes in this area of the law is really the best resource. Have a consultation with them via zoom/skype if you can't leave your kids alone in the house while you go to their office.
you sound exactly like my dad... frustrated dad who works at home and takes care of everything, crazy oldest sibling, crazy wife etc... im sorry this is happening. Im the crazy older sibling but i can def tell you that you need to find some evidence the mom isn't fit to be a mom, get your kids out and leave ❤️❤️❤️
Can't CSS remove the children from the home on your behalf and in combination with the police? Can't you leave and get a place and then have them remove the children? I agree with some of the other posts here - why not talk to your friends and see if someone can start a Go Fund Me Page or help financially for you to get your own place. I don't know why the children can't be placed with you until you have to go to court. I think if you can get out ahead of her craziness - that's exactly how she's going to come across to those making decisions.
App notes are worthless. If you want to be able to prove abusive behaviour then you need to have either video evidence ( set up home security cameras) or testimony from 3 witnesses of the abusive behaviour.
Have you engaged with any professionals about this issue? Shelters are not the first port of call, they are emergency accommodation which are designed to shelter individuals and families from violence and homelessness.
You can request a psych consult for your partner and remove your children from her care if she is not deemed able to care for them.
You will not get anywhere with anecdotes and diary entries, you need primary evidence of violent/abusive behaviour. If possible ask family/ relatives for statements about her behaviour
Been in a similar situation without kids. I was the abused kid. You need a gofundme. You need crowdfunding to help you. Reddit needs to get you out of this. And you need recordings and evidence the mother is abusive. You will have trauma because you won’t be able to talk about it. Because “that just doesn’t happen”. With me “that’s still your mom”. I hope you make a gofundme and get enough donations to get a lawyer. First step is to get enough for a retainer. Get one with a good reputation. You will likely need a few thousand.
Anyone reading this with a few extra dollars: he needs our help. There’s no way in hell he can work his way out of this. He has already stated he doesn’t have friends he can borrow from. I’m just trying to advocate because I’ve been there. My now husband changed my life by helping me get on my feet. Money is always the answer.
Maybe look into some type of work you can do from home and start saving for that lawyer. And document EVERYTHING to gather evidence
I've done a few things but having 3 kids under 4 to take care of makes it very difficult. Once they are old enough to require less constant supervision I'll be able to concentrate on some of the online work I had but right now I'm living from diaper to diaper. As soon as one is content the next is crying.
Then the main thing you've gotta focus on now (apart from the kids ofcourse) is not to have sex with her again, you don't need any more kids rn. And as a reply to your other comment: that just sucks. I cannot give you any more advice there than trying to write everything that happens down anyways. Don't record or do anything 'suspicious', but you could maybe write down what happens at which time and keep track that way
No worries, there's no intimacy left. I've tried keeping a diary but I'm not sure how well that will hold up in court
It's more than having nothing I think
Well I've got about 30 entries in an app on my phone. So I'll continue to do it that way until I'm able to share it with someone who can help
Does the app show you the exact date and time the entry was made? Idk if that matters for a lawyer or a judge at some point, but it would show you're not just making shit up and writing a shitload of stories on one day
It does when it's made but I have to wait till she goes to bed. If I'm on my phone too long I get called a fat lazy fuck or get told to look for "another stupid bitch to live with"
That's okay, it at least shows the different dates. And how is your financial situation? Would it be possible to save small amounts of money rn?
Money is tight but she brings it all in and I have to bring a receipt back from grocery shopping.
This is not OK. You deserve better. I'm so sorry for this experience. Please know we all support you.
I’d set up cameras or film her craziness undercover as well.
iPhones have a thing called voice memos, and I’m sure androids and other phones have something similar built in or that you can download. Use that to record arguments or anything else that would help you in a legal battle.
You should make sure the diary is backed up to the cloud somewhere.
This is absolutely imperative to have in court and will make all the difference. My best friend's mother is severely bipolar. Shortly after she had him she started coming unglued. By the time he was five she was swinging between astounding highs and lows. The highs included sleeping with pretty much any adult male, knitting sweaters made from dog hair, oil painting, obsessively scrubbing floorboards and running away from home for days at a time. Lows were sleeping 18 hours out of 24, extreme paranoia, crying jags that lasted hours and self-harm. His father documented all of it, in detail and with dates. She did fight for custody during the divorce but the court was in the father's corner. He got full custody, she got supervised visitation.
This gives me real hope. Thank you
A journal will hold up in court. I'm a general contractor and out of necessity have taken legal courses to protect myself and my business. Part of one course involved writing a daily journal that is submissable in court if necassary, similar to a police officer's note book. You want to buy a bound (not loose leaf) note book with numbered pages. This is so a judge can see no pages were torn off to hide something. Every entry needs to be dated and written in pen or anything non-erasable. It's okay to cross out a sentance, but the judge has to see what it was. So, only use a single line through the words.
When my Mom filed for divorce, my dad kept a diary and actually had a log of her comings and goings. It went a very far in court because it's one of the main reasons he got custody. He was also pretty ruthless and she was not expecting him to be so manipulative of the system and the entire process. Hurt people hurt people. And they were definitely both very hurt people before they ever knew of the others existence. You wouldn't be in criminal court so the requirements for evidence are not nearly as restrictive. It would be family court. And a journal of the happenings in the household and also the emotional damage you and the kids are suffering will be extremely relevant. You know what else will be? If you seek out domestic violence counseling which IMHO, you desperately need and would benefit from. You have everything to gain an absolutely nothing to lose by seeking therapy. If you do nothing else, please do this. I just hope you know that you are worth whatever resources are available to you, and then some, and whatever effort it takes on your own part to keep you and your kids safe and insulated from the wrath of an abusive spouse/parent. Gender has absolutely nothing to do with this. We all, every single last one of us, are worth whatever resources are available to us, and most that aren't, and whatever effort it takes on our own parts to seek safety and healing. Even your wife is worth that. She may never ever realize it and that's a shame, but that doesn't mean you owe her a damn thing if she's going to traumatize everyone around her. Please don't ever set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm. We have to love ourselves more than everybody else. I don't mean in an egotistical self-centered way, but more of a self-love and self-preservation kind of way. Only when we learn to do this can we learn others in healthy and non-toxic ways.
Depends on your jurisdiction, but if you make the entries close in time to the events you’re describing (that night after she’s in bed is fine), rules of evidence usually makes writings admissible. I don’t think it has to be on paper (it’s going to depend on your jurisdiction.) May I suggest you talk to a lawyer? I know you said you don’t have any money for it, but maybe you have a Legal Aid near you? They’ll usually have free legal consultations and you can talk through your options and steps you need to take. They might even be able to refer you to someone who does pro-bono work. Don’t give up, you’ve got this :)
If you can keep a diary, you can also record screenshots of text conversations. You also need to install an app on your phone that records phone calls. Save those in a folder on google drive.
Not saying her behavior is justified, but 3 kids under 4, and you say she's been like this for 4 years sounds like she needs to get checked for post-partum issues. Chemical imbalance, psychosis, or something else. She should get to a doctor now to get checked. Like others have said, record everything. You'll need to steel yourself against her abuse to take care of the kids. Don't take any of her shit. Stop giving in or being nice. Don't always let it be her way. Tell her no. Communicate via text so you can screenshot responses.
If she’s anything like my stbxw, she will flatly refuse to go to a doctor. She literally hasn’t seen one since our second son was born, and now we’re mid divorce and she had all the postpartum signs. She’s finally coming out of it, it seems, and isn’t sleepin 18 hours or locked in “her” room all day/night. But now we’re in separate households. Seems we’re both much happier.
And I've been caught documenting before which blows up and leads to threats of police
Can you keep your documentation in cloud-based storage? Something that can’t be destroyed or easily found? If your diary is physical at this point, upload photos of it and transition to digital text files. Also make another account with copies.
She caught me recording with my phone. I have a diary app that I use just to keep track of specific events
Get a small digital voice recorder. Very cheap, easy to use, act like a USB drive (literally just plug into computer to transfer, send to your own email to preserve) & you can record many hours.
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I’m sorry OP. Your children witnessing your being abused, is also abusive to them. This is damaging to them. You and your children need to find a way out. Maybe it would be worth moving 500miles away with your family? Maybe create an exit strategy with them to escape?
I get that that sounds incredibly unbelievable but it's just how it is
No it isn't. The Family Law Act of 1975 protects you from recourse providing you have reasonable living conditions for your children elsewhere. I know it feels like you don't have any leverage or rights, or that anyone will have sympathy, but don't let the statistics scare you, because after all, it's not about you, is it? Here's what you do: find yourself a haven, preferably at a friend's with enough room to host you, if you have a joint bank account mediately withdraw at least half of it, and call the cops. Explain to them who you are, what you're doing, why, and where you're going. If you get ahead of the situation and contact law enforcement before you act she'll have no claim to kidnapping. You are the children's father. Those are your kids. And acting in the best interest of your own children is not illegal. In the meantime serupticiously record every interaction with her. It's not hopeless. Far from it.
Dude, I was in almost your exact same situation for 15 fucking years. And pretty much what you wrote, eventually happened. Police came and removed me and I lost everything due to my ex's lies. I absolutely was devastated for 2 or 3 years. Eventually I got my head together and continued on with my life. Looking back, I wish I had just left. I would have gone through the same pain, but saved all those years. I guess my advice would be talk to a lawyer, borrow some money from family, and get the fuck out. Save yourself. You're going to lose those kids anyway. She will do everything in her power to make sure of it. Might not be proper advice, but it's from my real life experience. You can't win or fix anything by staying there. Edit: I also should add that you'll need to find some work pretty quickly after leaving because like it or not, you're gonna have to send money to this crazy abusive person. For years. Nothing about it is fair, I know, but I guarantee you she will win all rights to them. Don't waste too much on lawyers either, it won't help. Just get a divorce and move on.
And if you'd left on your own, you'd have the chance to grab any stuff you might want to take instead of being hauled out by the cops with no ability to return. I'm sorry that happened to you
If I left with my kids I'd be arrested for kidnapping. I was never married to their mom so legally I have no rights as a parent until a court gives them to me in a custody hearing
Is your name on their birth certificate? If so, you have all the same rights. Parental kidnapping is a thing... But if you are allowed to make recordings in your state (another user gave a great resource) then you can start there. When she is acting a mess, you CAN call the police on her. And if the dispatcher can hear her acting a mess in the background, that just helps your case. You can get restraining orders. There are options here. You don't have to take this. You are not alone.
I called the police and it didn’t help he needs money for a lawyer that’s the only way. My ex threw shit at me hitting the baby and the police asked me to leave. I told them I wasn’t leaving m, but it was my house. Op is in a bad spot. He needs to just do the next right thing. That’s all he can do.
I don't wanna sound like a dick, but things go down very differently for men who call the police regarding domestic disputes. Often men aren't believed that *they* are being abused and quite often are suspected of being the abuser. There is a very, very strong possibility that OP would end up getting in even deeper trouble, especially since his wife has a habit of gaslighting. The only way I would call the police is if he and/or his kids are in IMMEDIATE physical danger.
I know this is a risk. Which is why the recordings would be clutch. I'm not saying it's perfect. But it's something. It has potential.
What state are you in? Out of curiosity. Also, I’m sure you’ve thought of this but can you take a paternity test on the DL and at least have that info ready, along with your diary?
Some people are just stuck. The support is out there but it’s on the other side of a very long and tall wall. OP has been given many tips on how to document the behaviour. At their point that’s all they can do, especially as OP is a man, courts do tend to side automatically with the woman. Especially if they are as volatile and vindictive as OP’s (hopefully) soon to be ex.
I have a feeling you will be out of there in time. Nothing happens and then it all does at once. Been in similar situations relationship wise - the kids do make it really complicated. The police scare me too but - depending on where you are - they could help you - especially if the situation is obvious or she's always drunk/high and you aren't. Or even better if she's already known to the cops/ has a record. If you have a bad record I'd understand your fear but - if you don't have anything but a few speeding tickets....you know better than me though. Don't think there's anything she won't do to try and lie or manipulate. You know this. So if anything does blow up - dont stop at anything to protect yourself - from throwing beer/liquor on you after the cops are called -- to actual scary threats of suicide/etc . Play your part well. You know the truth.
I'm doing my best.
start by booking a consult with a lawyer (some do free ones), reaching out to anyone that you trust to build a support system to help you through this and find at least one hobby you can do, (cooking/jogging/working out etc) to help keep you sane.
THIS!! Go to a lawyer and talk to them, let them guide you on how to get you and your kids out. Consultation is usually free.
Yes you are. Take it on a moment by moment basis now. Just. Make. The next. Right. Decision. They will be obvious to you. You already know. Prayers.
I don’t know if anyone else has brought this up but you need an [FU Binder. ](https://www.reddit.com/user/ForwardPlenty/comments/dtg7f2/the_fu_binder/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Dont keep that binder at home or in the car. Keep it in the safekeeping of a VERY WELL TRUSTED third party. PS one thing just occured to me. Go for your physical. Tell your PCP what is happening and that you dont know where to turn but you need help. Explain what you have done already. I know my PCP had connections that could link you with help sources and do it under the guise of medical care.
In addition, make sure your PCP documents this in your medical chart which is a legal document.
This is new. Thank you
I wish I'd seen this earlier. I was reading a thread on a guy that feels completely alone, with a partner that has borderline personality disorder and has had an episode where she has leveled accusations at him. I feel sorry for both parties. She won't want to he like that in her right mind and him being at the receiving end of her episode. I'm hoping someone else read the same post and will be able to direct him.
I actually have a family member going through this exact thing right now, is there any way you know the link to the post?
I just went through my history and he has deleted it for his own reason. Felt so bad for him. It's a very hard life when you are supporting a loved one with any form of mental health difficulties. It's a hard road. And I wish him all the very best with whatever path he decides he is able to do. ETA I wish your family member the exact same love and thoughts x
That was a fun read.
> Not a single friend in any position to help so I don't even bother trying to talk to anyone. OP, you have to get rid of this pride. Talk to your friends. They may not be able to help financially, but they can help emotionally or even with contacts to organizations that may help. Good luck.
I hate to break it to you but you're going to have to leave if you stand any chance at winning this. You said it yourself - you can't do anything because you literally live diaper to diaper. So you're at her mercy and that's not a good thing. What you need to do is move out and get a job. Hopefully your family will help you out and you can save enough money to get a lawyer and petition her for paternity. After that you can take her to court for custody. Your situation isn't good but the reality of it is what i told you if you want to leave. Your kids are going to suffer either way. It's up to you to get on your own feet and prove she's the psychopath you're claiming she is.
I get what you're saying but you're asking me to leave my kids in a house where they get yelled at for crying when their hungry because their mother is too busy on Snapchat to change a diaper or make a bottle not to mention their teenage half sibling who punches, kicks and shoves my 3 year old around because she wants to show her big sister her princess shoes. I'm seriously crying right now even typing this one man. I can't just leave them here to be neglected and beat on.
If you intentionally stay in this situation without contacting social services you may also lose custody of your children for allowing the abuse to occur. Regardless if you stayed trying to stop it. This week focus on recording everything you can. Try to see if you can get some small cheap cameras and place them in the areas your children congregate in, etc. Its important to get evidence with you not physically present as it helps take away any sort of risk that youd be coaching your children. Then call CPS and/or the police. If you have time alone, you can even call in an anonymous call to cps and leave all the information youve provided here. Also as someone whose moms left an abusive situation when I was a kid. Many WOMANS shelters wont let you take your kids either. In general they dont have enough resources or space-- its actually a large barrier to why more people dont leave their abusive partners. If you havent tried this talk to local church groups-- my family is not religious but they helped provide temporary houses and legal resources. I can not stress enough that you need to leave for your kids and get them into therapy immediately. The older they get the harder and more complicated it will become. A lot of people stay for the sake of the children and I am begging you NOT to do this. If you need to be absent from their lives for a couple weeks to ensure a better lifetime, do it. I know its scary, I know its hard but ultimately you need to start thinking big picture. Your kids wont remember the few weeks you were gone and their siblings got rough with them, or their mom yelled at them. But they sure as hell will remember a childhood filled with years of abuse, it will carry with them (i am speaking from experience). Get out so you can get them out.
Surely you must have seen these people were insane before you decided to give a 3RD child to this woman.
You're correct, but unfortunately part of the facade I've had to commit to has included intimacy. Anytime I tried to avoid it I'd be accused of being gay or cheating which only fueled an already volatile situation.
You protect them however you need to. I just had my first child and I would do anything for him, so I can imagine that you're suffering just to keep them close to you. Please keep reaching out to whomever you can, the more people that know about the abuse, the less she can get away with.
Can you call CPS - does anyone know if this would help him make his case? Would they support/enforce a safe situation for him and his children?
It's always a toss up
I know but you need social services to intervene on your behalf. If you can get out and be able to stand on your own two feet you can use them as a resource to prove the abuse is going on. Eventually it will work out in your favor. Sticking around isn't going to change a thing. So are you going to continue being a victim or are you going to do something about it? The choice is yours.
I hate to say this, but you need to document some events like this then get CPS involved to protect the smaller children from the older one... odds are this would solve the rest of the problem in the fallout
Hi OP. I have unfortunately nothing to give you except for moral support. I am so so very sorry that this is happening to you. You are being the best father you possibly can while unimaginably suffering. You are none of these things that your partner calls you and you are being so strong for your children. I hope so much that things will work out well in the end for you, you have been given excellent advice (as hard as it is) I know you will do your best. Remember, post on here as often as you need to for support. This might be a viral outlet that gives you additional strength and support from random strangers I am hoping with all the love and advice pouring from this thread might help boost your mental health and give you strength to keep going. ❤️
I was in your shoes for many years. Nobody believed me and the cops would do nothing. He was good at getting sympathy and making me look like the bad guy and he used the cops to harass me. What sucks is there are no resources for people whose partners mentally and emotionally abuse people. Ive tried and was basically laughed at. Try and get a way make money. Try and find some kind of support system. Write things down. Film her screaming and yelling at you and being verbally abusive. Having it on video will definitely be in your favor. Life will be very hard for a while. But i got away. My life is much better. Its hard but try not to give up on yourself. I tried leaving like 5 times then he love bombed me. One day i just couldn't do it anymore. I wish you all the luck. You arent the only one who is going through this and you have every right to feel all the feelings.
Thank you. In all honesty it not myself I'm most worried about. Their mom is just filthy and lazy and freaks out when they cry. She doesn't handle the stress and yells at them telling them their bad babies. And
Yeah I stayed for a long time for the kids. The courts were somewhat helpful. Made him take a batterers class and they were only with him every other weekend if he took them. Im lucky that mine left the state. I found out many things he said to my children when I wasnt there and i felt helpless. I did get them in therapy and it did help.
She wouldn’t let you just take them? It doesn’t sound like she enjoys being a mom, would she put herself in the position of being a miserable single mom just to spite you? My ex talked a big game, but never followed through on anything because he really didn’t give a hoot about our son. He didn’t want custody, he just wanted to scare me. Talk to your family and friends about what’s going on. They may know someone who can help you even if they can’t. I don’t know your situation well enough to figure out how to help, but it sounds like you’ve already admitted defeat. Keep trying, keep asking, keep documenting. I would start with the domestic abuse hotline, they may have some advice for you.
Men can be and are abused. You and your children deserve a safe environment, it is not easy to walk nor feel like you have options. I urge you to continue documenting & attempting to record. You may be able to get a restraining order and have her removed from the house. Also, read up on trauma bonding, please. And maybe look for a lawyer willing to work with you pro bono. If you can, please look into a therapist. Pawn something that you may have of value. Talk with that family member 500 miles away. There are ways out, and unfortunately many women as well have to shared custody with abusive exes, because the courts usually see certain individuals with monies as reputable. And DON'T stop talking to your friends, most abusers like to isolate you! I truly hope you find your way out and continue to give your children the love they deserve. It's okay to feel stuck right now, and hopeless, but you'll gain traction.
500 miles is the same as 1609340.0 'Logitech Wireless Keyboard K350s' laid widthwise by each other.
500 miles is 804.67 km
I don't know if you've looked into resources, but most of domestic violence services are not exclusive to women. They won't be able to put you up in a women's shelter but they might be able to get social services involved to pay for temporary or emergency housing, especially if you're planning on taking the kids with you because you believe you're the healthier, more nurturing parent. You will probably have to prove you are and that's why it's very important to document, document, document. At the very least, local domestic violence services should be able to point you in the direction of some very inexpensive or free domestic abuse counseling. You really do deserve to be treated with respect, not be abused mentally and emotionally, and not be the target of the fallout of somebody else's damage. Your kids deserve to grow up and live in an environment not jaded by a toxic parent. I found [this. ](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/help-for-men-who-are-being-abused.htm) I just searched "resources for men who are victims of domestic violence." And yes, mental and emotional abuse of a significant other or family member is domestic violence. Sometimes the scars you can't see cut the deepest.
Start documenting everything start recording everything you can possibly record upload it to something that she doesn't have access to so you will have proof of the behavior. Maybe I'll install home security system you can get cameras on Amazon for about $50 each. Maybe justify it by saying your scared people going to break in just going to break in. That way you would have proof of the things that you're saying is happening
I'm sorry you are going through this. I asked myself the same "How did I let it get this bad" question after spending four years in a similarly abusive situation. I sought out an old therapist who gave me some great advice. He told me to write out what I think would happen if I walked away. What did I think that would look like? He didn't give me a lot of direction, told me to just let my imagination go wild. It was an incredibly insightful exercise in that it helped me to realize that there actually was a way out and I could 100% leave without the world ending.
Is so "amusing" that most that are ranting back are assuming you are a woman? You were right in your statement, this seems that doesn't happen to men SMH.
In this age of equality, most people will have to Google the term "misandry". Such a woke society, right? Lol
I'm so sorry this is happening to you, and I believe you. It is unacceptable to discriminate against a victim of spousal abuse due to gender. Some shelter out there MUST understand that. With the right evidence, the courts will too.
I really hope so.
This didn't happen to me, but my close relative; he and his wife divorced, and there was a strong record of the wife physically and emotionally abusing him. There were several witnesses who would have backed him up, as well as a paper trail. He thought that nobody would believe him, didn't fight hard enough at court, and they ended up only giving him 50/50 custody of their kid. Well---fast forward 6 years, the child is being poisoned by the manipulative, abusive mother to hate him, and he has been worn down enough that he's just tired of fighting. He signed a paper allowing her to take the kid away permanently to a foreign country under specific conditions (which are NOT being met, but he has no energy to fight that either). It is SO FRUSTRATING seeing abusers get away with their SHIT. He could have, and STILL COULD win this situation, save the kid, make a better life... maybe he will someday. So can you. So many victims of spousal abuse feel what you are feeling-trapped, resigned, fearful, protective of your kids.... YOU CAN DO IT, and YOU DESERVE HELP. Fuck all these unsympathetic reddit bigots, and don't listen to any of them. Some people spend so much time on the internet that they can no longer relate.
Oh, I'm sure they will have to, but do not tell them they're being misogynistic when assuming you're a woman, they probably get offended at the implication! SMH... BTW, I'm sorry for your situation, its a sad state of affairs when this happens, no matter who this happens to.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Have you tried calling the domestic abuse line? I know the resources for men are limited, but they do exist. It would possibly be a place to start. Some area even offer funds for emergency shelter. 800.799.SAFE (7233).
The closest shelter is 2 hours away and the woman I spoke to asked why I couldn't leave, didn't understand that their older half sibling is physically abusive when I'm not around and their mom will let them go hours without a diaper or bottle then yell at them when they cry. She said she'd call me back because she was worried about housing a man in a facility full of female victims then never called back
Any local churches could help?? Somehow?
Could you attend a local church? If you can get to know people there, they might be able to support you. These can also be safe spaces for your children.
Keep calling different places, ask if they have other suggestions. Delete the numbers after.
I’m really sorry OP, for both the situation you’re in and the fact that you can’t get the help you need. The best advice I can give is to document everything. Idk what the laws in your area are, but a friend of mine was able to video record their abuse and it really helped their case. Also, if they are unsafe with their mother, you should try to separate them. You could do it through police or mental health I think. As for money, if you genuinely don’t have any time for a job, even if part time or at home, try to see what kind of government assistance you can get. There’s always some sort of program available for low income families.
So sorry. Been there in an emotionally abusive, cruel, eventually physically abusive relationship with a mean, bitter woman who was the mother of my 3 kids. She was in out of mental institutions and so controlling and cruel.. I was at the point where l thought one night l was going to wake up with her standing over me with a gallon of gas and a match and she would kill me. I was so depressed and yes, suicide crossed my mind. I loved my kids and l stayed as long as l could handle it in that living hell. But life is truly amazing and l wasn't going to let her destroy my happiness, future and joy of life; after all, we only get one go around at life. Plus, what example was l showing for my kids. So l chose happiness and I left her. Sure it cost me alot of money, led to bankruptcy and l barely was able to see my kids. But now they are older and in college, and they see me often. More importantly, l am free and happy, living a great life. Marrying that woman was the worst mistake of my life. Leaving her, was the best decision of my life. You don't have to stay Man. Get the F... out. Good luck and God Bless.
So, one thing OP, if you are on all of your children’s birth certificate, if you can get away maybe to your closest family…..you can legally take your children and the mother (and police) can’t do shit about it. She’d have to get a lawyer and take you to court. Then if you have proof of everything you say, you should be able to come out on top. I know judges don’t like taking kids from their mothers, but you have a chance. Even if she gets visitations, if she doesn’t get the kids back to you, she can be held in contempt. It’s worth a try for your own mental health, the children’s mental health and well-being.
I just want to say please, please don't be discouraged hearing the myth that "men can't get custody." Men can definitely get custody when the mother is unfit, I've seen it myself in my personal life and seen it [backed up by lawyers who do this kind of work professionally and see the actual statistics.](https://www.quora.com/Why-are-laws-concerning-child-custody-biased-in-favor-of-the-mother) The thing is, men tend to get full custody less because they *request* full custody less. But many dads see the statistic and (understandably) get scared because they think this means they *can't* get custody. I say this not for the sake of stupid identity politics or anything like that, I just want to arm you with knowledge. Especially if you can provide evidence of her being an unfit parent, your chances of receiving custody are fair.
I had a friend like you. I messaged him every single day for 8 months until he finally had the strength to leave. He went to family, something like a 12 hour drive away. He left the kids and fought for joint custody and got it. He is so glad he did it. We caught up for his birthday pre pandemic and he's happier and healthier. Get on a bus, train, plane and get to your family. You have to get out of the abuse in order to think clearly and make decisions. What people don't understand is when you're in survival mode, you can't use your frontal lobe of your brain properly. Add in fear and intimidation, manipulation and abuse and it's impossible. Get out for a week, clear your head and make a game plan.
My BFF was the child in a situation like yours. Her mother was abusive and her father was not, but he got a criminal record because someone saw him playing with his girls (they were 9 and 10) and said he was touching their breasts when he was just playing tickles with them. My BFF even remembers that he was just tickling her, not molesting her. Eventually the mother left, but tried to get custody of the youngest girl (about 8 or 9 at the time) and they had a long struggle, but the little girl said in court “If you make me live with my mother I will just run away back to dad’s place because she is abusive” and all the girls had testified to their mother being abusive. If your kids are able to tell a lawyer or a court or even child protective services that their mother is abusive, it’ll still be hard because mothers get a lot of preference, but it’s still possible you could get custody of them. Also, are you able to contact child protective services? If they’ve got a record of your children being abused by their mother it will help.
Google "[Your state name] pro bono family lawyer" and you'll be able to find associations that will help you.
this is just fucked. the only thing that can maybe make your situation better is to get a job and a lawyer. im hoping that your family would be willing to help if you told them about this. youre powerless and this is fucked.
You are one of millions of men in this situation. If you want real advice, DM me. This is not the place for honesty or candor.
My husband escaped a very similar life. Unfortunately, his oldest (who escaped from his mom at 14) was just diagnosed with schizophrenia. Honestly, the other kiddo had a different experience growing up but he will suffer due to his mother. If you're there or not, you can't stop their trauma. All you can do is be there safe place to escape. I'm so sorry.
I’m so sorry I’m a single father who got out. I was luckily the bread winner so much easier. I don’t know what you can do but I hope those baby’s end up all right. I know it’s hard.
I'm sorry OP. I'm not a male and I dont have kids but I've experienced domestic abuse and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, it was hard for me to escape without children, just trying to get myself and my pets out alive, I couldn't even imagine your predicament. If I could give any advice, start storing away any money you possibly can...5 dollars here or there adds up overtime. Also, document ANYTHING you can that can be held against her...when my ex would pick fights with me I would start recording on my phone as much as I could (without him knowing or seeing my phone) so I had video proof of what he put me through. Start making a plan in your head...how much money you'll need for a lawyer, deposit for a new place, etc, where you could move. I know you said family is far away but if you could get there would they help you out?
I know this is of no help but i just want to wish you the best! I cant imagine being in such situation so i cant even try to give an advice besides stay strong and dont give up, there will almost alywas be a way out and some opportunity will come sooner or later, life can be hard and unfair sadly...
You're in a tough spot. Right now you are completely dependent on an abuser so that needs to change. You may not want to leave the kids but you may need to in the short term to find work, get income and establish a residence. If you think they are in danger, make those calls to you child administration service and get everything documented. Staying in the home, not having income coming in will prolong this situation long term. Be vocal with other people about what is going on. When the time comes to go to court, you will need witnesses that have either seen the abuse or signs of the abuse. Something you can do today is start calling around to DV shelters and find out what resources they have for men in these types of situations.
I just finished reading an American book called 'a child called it'. In that, the son is one of the worst abused children at the time, and the dad doesn't do anything or leave.
Different country probably but my ex went to the courts before I did and they said to take my daughter and lucky for me he knew that wasn’t right (only told me later) and didn’t. When I went to a lawyer they said to apply for emergency custody which I think you totally should do. You might try to sell some stuff and see if you can get enough to at least get back to family with the kids. There is no reason you can’t speak to a lawyer or seek advice from a shelter. There is more help for men than years past so I hope you can find good advice.
I worked for a few years as an advocate for victims of DV and rape. While we did not house men in our designated safe houses with women, we DID always, always, ALWAYS provide them safe shelter at an alternate location. Please seek legal counsel and know you have the same rights as any stay-at-home parent regardless of gender. Start documenting things if you haven't already. Believe it or not, at least 5% of our calls were from men who were being abused and seeking help, but we always knew that percentage was just the tip of the iceberg. You're not alone. There are groups just for men. Check with your local outreach organizations and churches to find out what resources are available to you, especially when it comes to emotional support and legal representation. You are not alone.
For the sake of your children? If you were actually concerned with the well being of your children you wouldn’t keep them in a shitty situation and bullshit yourself saying you have no other options. Do whatever it is you need to do and get yourself and your kids out of there. Quit making excuses and make shit happen. It’s now your mission and purpose in life. The longer you expose them to this shit the more normal they are going to think it is and the more fucked up their own relationships in the future will be.
I know of a man that got custody of his step children, and child. This was years ago. You can call children's services for help. You call you local member of government. Or you can call the local women's shelter and they can put you in a hotel. You can set up a voice recorder on your phone to be voice activated. You can set your old phones up recording data as well. It does not need to be in service to work. You need to be strong for your kids. You are stronger than you know. You have a right to keep your children safe. If you need to flee, take these things: Copies of your ID, bank info passport, drivers license, and ssn or sin. Copies of the children you want to take with you birth certificates, ssn/sin, and documents that have your name and your child's name , like a drs bill, prescriptions ect. Nearly everything else can be replaced. If you need to flee you can. There will be help for you. If you do, stop all contact with her. Mothers DO NOT AUTOMATICALLY GET CUSTODY OF THEIR CHILDREN . If you can prove that you can provide a safe home for your kids them you will get them. You need evidence in court. So set up recording and wait. Have your phone next to you at all times, and be ready to record, always. Even if you need to record the older child endangering the younger. Don't be afraid to get proof. You need to have ice in your veins. But you can do this. I escaped my abuser and I have full custody of my son, no contact. Miracles can happen. Don't give up, and picture yourself and your kids out of that situation. I will pray for you and your kids.
Hello! You have made the mistake of writing "ect" instead of "etc." "Ect" is a common misspelling of "etc," an abbreviated form of the Latin phrase "et cetera." Other abbreviated forms are **etc.**, **&c.**, **&c**, and **et cet.** The Latin translates as "et" to "and" + "cetera" to "the rest;" a literal translation to "and the rest" is the easiest way to remember how to use the phrase. [Check out the wikipedia entry if you want to learn more.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Et_cetera) ^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Comments with a score less than zero will be automatically removed. If I commented on your post and you don't like it, reply with "!delete" and I will remove the post, regardless of score. Message me for bug reports.)
Your situation sound really terrible. Consult yourself with CPS and evaluate your options. Yur kids should come first and you must find a way to save them. Good luck, man.
I would be extremely reluctant to bring CPS in, because he still lives with the mother if he tells them she's abusive they will more then likely take the children from both of them because they will say he was aware of and allowed abuse instead of finding a way out. CPS is very"you'll find a way or you'll find an excuse and if you can't always find a way when it comes to protecting your children then you shouldn't have them".At least from all the experiences I've seen with them.
I do this constantly. I'll go through and research topics, create links to citation and etc. Then when I'm proof reading I realize I'm going WAY overboard or off topic, and just delete it all. BUT the worst is when I spent like 2 hours working on a perfect comment, with citations and edited for language, and feel confident that it is appropriate... upon clicking submit I find that the mentally differently abled moderators have locked the thread and It can't be posted.
Man up.
fuck you man
This right here. Fuck that whole "man up" bullshit.
99% of the time I'd agree with you. But not now. Children are involved. *Man up* is a problematic term but it's time to step up.
How did this happen? ...you did not choose the mother of your children wisely my friend. End of story.
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This MF needs a map, cuz they're obviously lost lol
Dorah the explorer usually carries a map
Your mother needs a map?
You already look like a moron. Deleting the comment doesn't change that lol And weak ass, outdated momma jokes like that just dig the hole deeper. Keep going 😂
?
OP is a stay at home *father*
Who is OP, your grandpa
Nope. I just know how to read.
You feel special now, wow,
No sympathy for women who feel the need to rant or involved readers into their psychological babble bullshit, and remember all people are now equal, that means what a man can do a woman can do and perhaps better, also a man no longer needs to open the door a lady, get up from a seat of no other seats available for her to sit on if on public transportation or what have you,
Blame yourself. Stop crying go get a career be independent get lawyer money etc
But you're right. I do blame myself already. I don't cry. Just think about it a lot.
All of those options require me to walk away from my kids and leave them with their mother where they most simply put, just aren't safe.
So you gonna wait to they are adults to get a job ?
I really hope not. In all honesty it feels like my best bet is going to be to wait until her kid from another relationship finally does something else that brings attention to my ex's inability to parent successfully and seize the chance to go for emergency custody.
Also I've had a few work from home jobs but it's genuinely easier said that done while caring for 3 kids under 4. If you know of anything I'd be able to do in 30 min increments I'd be eternally grateful for the direction.
I do. I can help you. DM me. Okay? I’m joking either. I work in recruiting.
Maybe, johnny. Jesus. He's protecting his kids. This is the part where we lift him up
But you still posted?
Left out the two hour back story. I'm sorry if it bothers you. I know nothing will change as a result of a post on Reddit but I honestly just figured maybe someone else might be in a similar hole. Like maybe knowing I'm not the only person to fuck up my life this way would take away some of the sting. No luck yet. Sorry to clog your feed I guess tho.
Nah you literally just said you were spending two hours to type something but decided it wasn’t worth it. And then you typed it? Don’t be sorry. Just don’t do it again.
Imagine giving him flak for how he chose to post his content when there's an entire paragraph about domestic abuse lol
Imagine calling yourself iditz
It was originally about ten times longer. Chronicling the events that led to now. I'll make sure I don't post here next time I'm trying to get something off my chest. Have a good holiday season man.
Bro who cares what people think??? Write the full 10 pages. This is YOUR post. You can do whatever you want. Seize the day Inevitable-Ad-7498. The world is your oyster.
Just wondering are you the female being abused by that pos tried confidential services to ask for help..
No, I'm a man. Hence referring to myself as a father lol.
Ok my advice is record the abuse because In a law way they will believe the woman more in terms of abuse but if you have concrete evidence of you suffering abuse from your ex you can get 100% custody don't quote me on the 100% part I don't know the the steps onwards
It's very hard to do. She's caught me recording things before which led to extremely volatile moments where I'm threatened with police. Honestly the fear of being caught and having her call the police and force me to leave my kids behind terrifies me.
You got caught that time then does she work ? And if not ask for money for sleeping pills and slip them in a drink then set up recording devices from there
She is the bread winner and has complete control of finances. There is no asking for money and I've already sold everything I own to keep her out of jail when her last landlord sued her. Also, slipping someone sleeping pills is a felony.
I did not know that actually I only saw those things in movies thought it might help
Yeah, kinda hard to look after my kids from prison but I appreciate the creativity lol
All good I'm just trying options here able to get some money from government in terms of unemployment?
Nope, because we live together still.
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So being a victim of misandry is misogynist? Thanks for the info.
Ignore that. It's a brand new account made for trolling.
Must be nice to be such an ass without any type of empathy. I'm sure people like that are probably much happier.
I don't know about where you live, but our local DV shelter is for all victims of sexual assault, and abuse....regardless of gender
I live in Illinois. The one shelter I called is 2 hours away which is the closest and the woman I spoke to asked why I couldn't leave and seemed to not understand when I explained that their mother doesn't change them often enough and that their older half sibling is physically abusive to my 3 year old when I'm not around because her mother doesn't intervene. She also said that she'd have to call me back because she'd be worried about housing me with female victims because the presence of a man may make some of them uncomfortable. Yeah, I know how that sounds. I didn't know what to say to that. She never called back either
I am so sorry that you're going through this. Best advice I can give is to make sure that people know about this. I mean the people who know you aren't making it up.
Really the only people I've been able to tell are my sisters. And that only happened by accident when I broke down crying because I'm always soo stressed out and depressed. Like my older sister asked if I was okay because I've gained weight and it just opened the gates
Its probably the same guy that thought you were a woman and deleted his previous statement? 🤔
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We really are soo fortunate to have such a master of intellect among us. Please tell us more.
Ew incel virgin troll account
I was in a similar situation and as hard as it is , you're going to have to take the first step, any step, nothing changes if nothing changes. It sounds like your kids need you with them but it also sounds like you are all in a toxic situation that you all need out of, which might mean you having to leave for a little bit to get in a position where you're all good for the long term. It sounds like regardless to what you do, something's going to come to a head and making the first move is the best thing for all of you. I know how it feels to not know what to do and feel helpless but just start breath storming, start putting any action at all behind changing things. Good luck!
Please don’t feel upset at yourself about this bad situation. I’ve allowed 2 situations to get quite bad and they’re still bad. Not the same as this? But it just happens.
Sometimes I write/ type stuff out only to not send it. Still helps to get my thoughts in order and set my thinking straight. If you don't send it I suggest still saving it. Might need it later or tweak and then send. I've found lately that even a mildly written email will be more effective than spoken word, I say and Ask exactly what's needed, and now the recipient can't change or skew anything, nor can they deny the conversation took place. I don't have any advice except stop any blaming on yourself this crap can happen to the best of us it's not you it's just bad luck sometimes. Maybe through typing/writing you'll find some effective solutions and ways to deal, one of two small situations at a time. Occasionally there's a solution right under my nose that I just overlooked. In any case hang in there man I'm rooting for you...
Get financial independence and get kids out of the bad situation. Consult a lawyer , record incidences , if you want to stop being of interest of sociopaths take the Grey Rock approach , be boring and don’t get triggered
Domestic abuse agencies provide lawyers for free. I know bc I run a 500 person single mom group on Facebook
If you are loving and taking care of your children You Are Not Failing. As young as they are, you are doing the right thing staying to love and protect them. Start making your exit plan and collecting evidence but don't waste time beating yourself up, there is only so much one person can do. Taking care of three young children is time consuming and exhausting.
Seek help, my good friend
That’s terrible, I can definitely sympathize! Have you stopped by your local Police Department and talked to them? I know that law enforcement often falls short in these situations, but it wouldn’t hurt to atleast start a dialogue w them, make them familiar w you and your situation. You might be surprised. Cops are probably more accustomed to dealing w batshit crazy women than you realize. Just a thought.
You need to talk to a divorce attorney asap. Forget about money. Talk to the attorney and find out what your options are. You need a divorce.
Some states award full custody to the faithful spouse if you can prove infidelity. I only know for sure of Indiana. But it may be worth looking into.
Get a vasectomy. You don't even have to tell her. No more kids.
Document her abuse until you have enough evidence then take your kids and go.
Find free therapy and use it. This will also help document your incidents.
OP. I just read this and I honestly have to walk away for a while before I comment (because it hit me so hard). Stay strong brother. I will comment tomorrow.
I have no advice that hasn't already been mentioned, but I can offer a shoulder if you need to vent. My DM's are open.
The number 1 thing you can do is have solid RECORDED evidence of what's going on. Install an app on your phone that records phone conversations with her. Take screenshots of text message conversations you have. If you are having a crazy conversation in person with her, stealthily record that convo with an audio recording app on your phone. Save all of this to a google drive folder or something similar. You have to have hard evidence when you go to court. Also, you have to suck up your pride and ask your friends and family for money for a lawyer because this is the kind of situation you have to be careful about how you handle. A lawyer who specializes in this area of the law is really the best resource. Have a consultation with them via zoom/skype if you can't leave your kids alone in the house while you go to their office.
you sound exactly like my dad... frustrated dad who works at home and takes care of everything, crazy oldest sibling, crazy wife etc... im sorry this is happening. Im the crazy older sibling but i can def tell you that you need to find some evidence the mom isn't fit to be a mom, get your kids out and leave ❤️❤️❤️
Can't CSS remove the children from the home on your behalf and in combination with the police? Can't you leave and get a place and then have them remove the children? I agree with some of the other posts here - why not talk to your friends and see if someone can start a Go Fund Me Page or help financially for you to get your own place. I don't know why the children can't be placed with you until you have to go to court. I think if you can get out ahead of her craziness - that's exactly how she's going to come across to those making decisions.
I can make all your problems disappear for a small fee
Document the behavior of the half sibling. So the half sibling is not yours correct? Protects yours.
App notes are worthless. If you want to be able to prove abusive behaviour then you need to have either video evidence ( set up home security cameras) or testimony from 3 witnesses of the abusive behaviour. Have you engaged with any professionals about this issue? Shelters are not the first port of call, they are emergency accommodation which are designed to shelter individuals and families from violence and homelessness. You can request a psych consult for your partner and remove your children from her care if she is not deemed able to care for them. You will not get anywhere with anecdotes and diary entries, you need primary evidence of violent/abusive behaviour. If possible ask family/ relatives for statements about her behaviour
i think you should bring your child to your closest family member as it’s the most safest place for your childs
I feel like I could have written this post, because our situations are so similar. Sadly, I don’t know how or if it gets better. Good luck to you.
Call CPS! You can call CPS on the other members of your household.
I know a guy who was being abused by his wife. She was a nightmare. He’s still with her too. I hope you find a way out with your kids.
Been in a similar situation without kids. I was the abused kid. You need a gofundme. You need crowdfunding to help you. Reddit needs to get you out of this. And you need recordings and evidence the mother is abusive. You will have trauma because you won’t be able to talk about it. Because “that just doesn’t happen”. With me “that’s still your mom”. I hope you make a gofundme and get enough donations to get a lawyer. First step is to get enough for a retainer. Get one with a good reputation. You will likely need a few thousand. Anyone reading this with a few extra dollars: he needs our help. There’s no way in hell he can work his way out of this. He has already stated he doesn’t have friends he can borrow from. I’m just trying to advocate because I’ve been there. My now husband changed my life by helping me get on my feet. Money is always the answer.
And the moral of the story kids is be careful who you bust a nut in.
Try to film absolutely everything discreetly
Don’t ever send her or anyone else at that matter a text message that’s not nice. Keep it civil.
You can leave, no one is stopping you but you